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waywardsalt · 2 years ago

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small little thing abt botw/totk and the future of zelda games considering it seems likely that future zelda games might be in the same style as those two and how i feel like botw/totk don't actually feel like zelda games (kind of messy i just typed this out in a kind of informal or whatever way) (this post is long af btw so uhhhh yeah)

im part of the group that claims that botw/totk aren't 'real' zelda games but... i guess they are technically 'real' zelda games, but... they sure as fuck don't feel like it, and because of that, i'm not at all excited with the idea of future loz games being in the same style, especially with the pitfalls these last two games have fallen into having been things that past zelda games did especially well, it feels like things have been sort of flipped on their heads in terms of what's being valued or whatever

like... the best parts of older zelda games were things like the story and the characters and the puzzles and the dungeons and stuff like that... the best parts of botw/totk right now are just the gameplay. people enjoy these new characters, but they dont have the narrative backing that older games do, they don't have the same impactful arcs or roles allowed by a more linear story

the point i want to get at though is how botw/totk honestly don't feel like direct evolutions or steps up from past zelda games but rather just... entirely different game styles (open world games) with the zelda flavoring and worldbuilding and story styling slapped on top.

i mean... i feel like a half-decent example of some other well-known franchises that have jumped on this (honestly kind of thoughtless) open-world bandwagon are mario (mario odyssey) pokemon (sword/shield and scarlet/violet) fire emblem (kind of. with some free-walking segments in 3 houses and engage) and the soulsborne type games (elden ring), these are all other well known and storied game series' that have somewhat made the move to open world, and i think that switch was a bit smoother, kept the core and integrity of the games that came before much better than botw/totk did

elden ring is the easiest to explain- the gameplay loop and core mechanics are the same and build upon past games' you just have more room to run around and get killed in with some little open-world flourishes like material gathering.

fire emblem is... a bit less flexible in terms of changing up the core gameplay, and the addition of open-world segments are added to add bonuses to the strategy gameplay and allow for more support-building oppourtunities and little minigames, and its more or less evolution from echoes' dungeon-crawling bits and the customizable castle in fates. the core gameplay still effectively works the exact same, just with some little class or mechanic tweaks and additions.

mario odyssey, though each world was pretty massive, still had your typical 3d mario platforming, and the new hat stuff fit in pretty well with olderpowerups and gimmicks, and the boss battles feel and work pretty similarly to the way they used it- odyssey does feel like an evolution from past mario games (ps. playing two-player with one person as cappy snaps the game in half. its the secret easy mode lol)

the new pokemon games are pretty much just the same as past pokemon games, theyre just open world and buggy as fuck rip have extra little open-world flourishes that build on what past games set up. the battling works the same as ever and the progression is the same with a number of powerful trainers you have to battle to continue forward.

with botw/totk... the progression is dramatically different in terms of power-scaling, world presentation, item-gathering, puzzle-solving... pretty much everything in the established zelda format. i get that it was pretty much the aim with botw to have a fresh start and throw out a lot of the old standards but it just makes them feel so dramatically alien to past zelda games; theyre completely different experiences in pretty much every single way, and as such they dont feel like what we've (well, people who have started with and spent a lot of time with other loz games) learned to associate with the zelda titles.

with open world games in general it's a bit harder to have a truly impactful narrative akin to those in past zelda games, anyways. i will admit that botw was a good execution of trying out something entirely new, and the narrative and gameplay and world actually complement each other very well, so despite what i've said in the past I can't really fault it's narrative too much since it's a less traditional sort of narrative and effectively does what it aims to do very well.

totk, on the other hand, proves that this style of game does not mesh with the old style of storytelling at ALL. linear games can have proper narratives with coherent stakes, developing characters, twists and reveals and building emotion and mood- and all of that is thrown out the window with totk when they decided to try and have both a more linear story with actual reveals and development and emotion, while also letting you literally spoil it for yourself out the gate.

you can't really have a well-executed story when players are capable of doing things drastically out of order and of jumping into story beats without the prior buildup and straight-up ruining what could be otherwise emotional reveals, and players being capable of doing this is hard-baked in how the game fundamentally works. I honestly feel bad for people who found the fifth sage by accident before anything else.

you can't effectively have a linear story with character growth and plot developments and impactful moments while also allowing it to be experienced out of order and with massive time gaps in between; with this kind of stuff, you can't really have your cake and eat it too. say what you will about the linearity of past zelda games, but i bet you that midna wouldn't be as beloved as a character as she is if it weren't for the linear order of the story and its events. certain parts of storytelling may demand for a linear manner of telling that story.

botw's story works because none of the memories reveal anything groundbreaking taht you don't already know; they are optional and merely give you more information about these characters from link's past and simply inform you about the girl keeping ganon at bay. if you find a late memory first, that's fine- it technically doesnt reveal anything too important to you, it just fills in some gaps for you and your player character. it makes sense within the story itself for the world to be so open and for you to be able to do what you can; the story is not the focus, nor is it even needed to beat the game. the story was made with the gameplay and what you are allowed to do in mind, and as such doesn't include things such as in-depth character development or important plot-twists.

on the other hand, you can easily spoil totk's biggest plot twist in a handful of different ways completely by accident, just by getting curious about the world around you. this can shatter a lot of the mystery or tension in the plot and this can happen completely by accident to someone playing the game organically and blindly. the story itself doesn't take this into account, it reads more like a linear story that would be more suited to a linear style of play, coming across things in order to ramp up the stakes and let things be revealed at the best possible time. (tbh totk's story doesnt seem to take the player into account in general, if the game forcing you to watch basically the same long cutscene four fucking times says anything, jesus christ)

narrative pitfalls aside, botw/totk put heavy emphasis on gameplay, but not in the same way older zelda games did, and as such trade away the unique items and gimmick-y game-specific mechanics for a small toolset handed to you out the gate. what botw/totk do- giving you everything you need from the start and having very little true varation in the gameplay from then on out- make sense and works just fine for an open world game. there is, however, a lack of actual depth to that gameplay that other open world games do have (off the top of my head, the ability to unlock and upgrade abilities and have general character upgrades in fenyx rising as well as the impressive depths of elden ring's combat and character customization system). the most depth botw/totk has to the actual gameplay is just the fourish different weapon types and the ways you use your fourish abilities (saying fourish bc for real ultrahand and fuse are fundamentally the exact same thing). there is also just raising the little defense numbers on your armor and getting more stamina and health, but that does absolutely nothing to the actual gameplay but make link more durable.

i mean, sure, health in past loz games just makes link more durable, too, but thats how health upgrades in any other game work.

the gameplay switch makes sense, considering the switch from a linear puzzle-adventure concentric game to a more sandbox-esque open-world game, but it does not mesh with the former loz formula at all, so while the shift in style makes sense, it makes me think that you can't have a previous-style loz experience in an open-world sandboxish sort of game. especially with how in totk you can very easily bypass most of the fire temple just using the mechanics handed to you at the start. you can't have the same type of zelda dungeons in a game where you are allowed to do it 'wrong' and the game itself does not allow for the same kinds of puzzles.

i am of the opinion that so long as future zelda games work the same way botw/totk did, we will not get old-school zelda-style dungeons again.

the loss of a variety of items used for specific puzzles and environment switches is the loss of a varied dungeon experience and the loss of the same kind of world and character progression as past zelda games.

you are handed everything you'll ever need at the start of botw/totk. the only thing that will meaningfully change is how much damage you do. there are no alternate strategies opened up by new items that can double as weapons, no new traversal options or routes opened up by things such as grappling hooks or clawshots or whips or specific wands. even the battle system is drastically different, instead of being enemies that take specific amounts of hits to die while you can obtain progressively stronger swords, enemies are just damage sponges and you can get all kind of weapons that just do different numerical amounts of damage.

the bosses themselves- big staples and draws of zelda games- also work extremely differently. instead of having to leverage specific items to expose weak spots or having to fight in a specific manner to do damage, you are just asked to... do damage. even in totk's bosses, where sage abilities are most certainly helpful, the only boss i found to truly require a sage ability was the lighting temple's boss; the others i either hardly used the sage at all (i didn't use yunobo at all in the second phase of the fire temple boss and hardly had a need for tulin with the wind temple boss [esp considering i was using a 3-shot lynel bow to make the poor fucker a cakewalk]) or found that alternative solutions felt better, like resorting to splash fruit on repeat water temple fights instead of wrestling with having to activate and use sidon's ability. the sages are honestly fairly poor replacements for dungeon specific items.

this kind of causes botw/totk to play more like a poor man's dark souls or just like any other open world rpgish game. i don't play botw/totk for the experience of a zelda game, i play it because it's an open world game that i can walk around in for five minute before switching to something else because i liked something in that other game better.

the combat in botw/totk isnt designed in such a way that makes it feel good. mineru's mech is fucking dismal, but since it's just either shooting with a bow or attacking with one of three types of melee weapon with some timing for a dodge, it can get stale fast. it doesn't necessarily even feel good, since there's not enough variety for it to get really engaging. (this is def an uneven comparison, but elden ring's combat feels considerable better with the different dodges you can do and the amount of attack options you have with just one weapon, not to mention the amount of control you have over your general fighting style.) combat in botw/totk at hour 1 is the exact same as combat in botw/totk at hour 100, the only different being the amount of damage you do or how much of a beating you can take.

it just... the styles of botw/totk can't allow them to feel the same as older zelda games. the shift in style was clearly a good move to draw in series newbies and shake things up, but it comes at the caveat of making them feel distant from their predecessors and uncomfortably similar to other games like them. it's hard to avoid comparisons with elden ring when on the surface they are very similar games, one just feels more true to its core identity

this all is said without mentioning the way in which botw/totk lore feels almost dismissive of past series staples and seems intent on not looking back while also taking every fucking attempt to nudge you and say 'hey, remember that zelda game' and honestly all that shit does is make me want to play a different zelda game.

botw/totk seem altogether very desperate to distance themselves from past zelda games while also being unable to really tear itself from what came before and it just culminates in me spotting linebeck island on the map and going 'damn i miss linebeck' and turning the fucking game off to play phantom hourglass instead. say what you will about phantom hourglass, but it certainly handles its story progression and character development infinitely better than the game that lets you accidentally shatter the impact of the story by deciding to check out that cool temple in the distance of the depths

#quick note abt the examples from early on i got the verdict on soulsborne games from my friend who has actually played more than elden ring #and pokemon was kinda a guess the most recently mainline pokemon game i have is sun/moon #totk has made me really think about what i like in video games and why lmao.#it has also made me appreciate botw a lot more. i prefer the emptier hyrule of botw it just feels extra cluttered in totk #i like how in botw its a lot more natural and more fun to honestly run around in with there being no falling debris or scary holes #salty talks #totk salt #being annoying abt totk again hiiiii. id like to talk abt stuff i liked in other loz games but its hard to start without some kind prompt #im not entirely sure how i could really explain how i feel totk's story failed and why without going in circles for a while #its just. the gameplay and the intended story experience clash like fucking crazy plus the story relies too much on the player #to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting #like. if you want to start a convo with me abt this go for it but this is what i have to say for rn #loz #legend of zelda #totk #botw #totk criticism #i do really appreciate botw now im not gonna lie. its still not amazing in my eyes but i appreciate it for what it is #also i cannot believe totk made linebeck island worse fuck you #like. in botw theres a goddamn chest with 50 rupees and thats a good subtle nod to what's being referenced #in totk theres just two bokoblins and nothing else and i dont care if it wouldve been lazy to just have the chest there again #you explicitly namedropped linebeck might as well make good on it. its more fun to continue having little nods like that #i understand when people say that saying botw isnt a 'real zelda game' is bad criticism but tbh its not really a criticism its just an #observation. it comes with its ups and downs and for me it makes me enjoy these games less and makes me feel a bit alienated #if that makes sense. idk. its late and if i continue with that thought im going to lose it for sure #ig just. im upset abt how totk handled its story and im upset at the idea of... this being the future of these games yknow #it feels like a selfish sentiment but idk #long post #bitching abt totk

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dan-crimes · 2 years ago

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Mfs can't understand a blunt mf they always gotta try and read between the lines or straight up deny the words you're saying and deny how you feel

#I just woke up so Imma overshare without worrying abt it lmao #like yeah people should be wary there are some messed up people out there but like #I'm being straight up with you I do not have the energy to keep up a lie and I just think it is much easier to have clear communication #people just instantly assume that I'm up to something or not being sincere they don't even give me a chance #bcuz if they did they would instantly be able to tell that I am just like that and I am being as straight up as I possibly can #people just aren't use to that ig #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that's why I just assume everyone is telling the truth to me and if they did lie my trust in them would break thru those lies #they will eventually tell me the truth if they feel they can trust me and if they don't then that is their business #if someone spends all their time formulating lies for me then that is /their/ energy wasted. not mine lmao #just like let go bro it ain't a big deal to just say stuff straight up you just gotta figure out the right ways to say stuff is all #ya just gotta be real with urself and sometimes shit it confusing af and that is normal brains tend to just fuck around #situations aren't black and white so you might seem hypocritical but again that's life #the best you can do is show how you feel thru actions when words fail you #and people might not understand you but at least you know how you are and you either accept it or make efforts to get better #~.~ me when I get too into it listen I got a little sibling who doesn't understand lots of stuff like I'm trying to teach them things #so I kinda go into this mode a lot of just like trying to explain stuff mostly abt understanding emotions and that other people feel things #I also talk abt this stuff with my other sibling but they are older so it's usually a lot of trying to figure out brain stuff #and trying to come to an understand etc etc I like to talk about these types of things and I might not have all the answer but like #I try. it doesn't work for everyone but hopefully it can at least help people discover what DOES help them #like it might seem like I value honesty a lot but I honestly don't care if people lie to me that is their business ✌️😋#like it only bothers me when it's obvious like Oh I didn't put that dish there I put it somewhere else Well buddy ur the only other person #who else did it or like Oh I didn't say anything I didn't say a word and it's like Buddy I know you did it just own up it's over with #people lie a lot in an attempt to avoid getting in trouble and specifically people getting angry at them but like I'm not the type to argue #I'm not gonna get mad and if I do I'll cool down pretty easily as long as we actually talk things out but like I don't get mad often #I don't really mind most things like if you talk shit behind my back that's not my business lmao just goes to show ur own character #like so many things are not my problem and simply show ur own judge of character #if you don't like me simply don't talk to me 😌 it's really not a big deal I don't mind at all #anyway I ramble... I could likely ramble more but I assume Imma run outta tag space soon

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naenaex0xx · 3 months ago

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let me sleeb pls 😔

#i cant get ready for bed :'>#the bathroom is getting hogged rn ..... bathtub hogger (i cant say anything tho lol)#so i will just think about thr scenarios. . . . . .#i genuinely cant lie i think thinking sbout veri has literally made me excited for splatoon again #i dont yap a lot but i wanna yap a lot to him ... im sure he'd see how smazing the game is ... snd the characters i like #and the storh ..... and everything #omg i love splatoon #its kinda funny because i never post sbout jt or anything but literally splatoon is like. i love u splatoon #hehe but i also... love ..... veri ?!?!?!?#yes :3 #///////#help #so. what do i doooooo i literally cant go to bed like this TᵕT #i will ponder ... while the length of my sleep time slowly deteriorates......#posts.nae #splatoon music <33333 #honestly these songs this music will literally murder me ily splatoon

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snekdood · 6 months ago

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idc if ppl think im problematic i just want it to be for the actual real reasons i am

#like... im kinda aggressive and might attack if provoked... i intentionally exude a threatening presence and personality to #scare ppl away but also bc i will actually try to fuck you up if you fuck with me too much. i also struggle with not knowing #how to handle my cat yelling besides yelling at him which reinforces him but it doesnt matter bc he does it anyways even #if i stubbornly ignore him so idfk what to do i think he just think thats the normal way to talk atp and it driveS ME INSANE BECAUSE #HE IS MOEWS ARE SO LOUD AND SOUND LIKE A FUCKING BABY CRYING WHICH TRIGGERS A PRIMAL PARENTAL THING IN #ME AND HES MANIPULATING THAT TO GET MY ATTENTION FOR SHIT HE DOESNT NEED HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #LIke. im problematic in some ways. no im not as problematic as you might think but like. i still recognize i got a lot of shit to work on #over here yaknow. its shit i think about all the time and keep trying to figure out what i can do about.#which is also why i dont need ppl riding on my ass about shit that i already know better about #i honestly think yall think me being inflammatory online makes me a bad person... idk. and i dont really think im all that controversial #or inflammatory in what i say but anyone being that in any capacity in your opinion makes them Bad for some reason?? idrk.#im trying to figure it out. like you either just have to believe any lie someone tells about me or you just hate how annoying i am to you #on the internet. something you can easily avoid by blocking me.#also the things i say online... dont necessarily directly translate to offline? im not really like this irl... im definitely a lot more #aggressive online than i am off...#offline i try to keep things calm and gentle and i try to be considerate and nice to those around me. ig i dont feel like tumblr #has earned that side of me yet 🤷#i literally have an idyllic ass garden and essentially green house ok. i dont talk about the happenings of my daily life on here #much bc i worry talking about it on here will taint it somehow.#maybe im too superstitious. maybe im worried about being stalked. maybe its a combo of many things but theres certain info #i dont trust with certain types of people and if tumblr was a person i would not trust that person with that info.#the friend to get drunk with not to watch your cats and house while you're out of town. etc.#ill vent about my trauma but i dont want you... in my life... Like That lmao. we just go to the same bar...

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cockquette · 1 year ago

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i forgot the simple joys of lying i should just start spouting bullshit until my other half bega me to stop

#ar8 #ive discovered lying #and that its HILARIOUS... as USUAL....#its okay if im lied to constantly as long as i egt to lie back (evil)#update. my favorite lies are to add `okay so theyre KINDAA niche BUT` and it's like the most generic normal thing someone could like.#i did this w barbie #viv asked `can we watch smth on netflix??` and i said `oh!! we totally can i know something that's KINDA just gaining popularity BUT`#and put barbie life in the dreamhouse on #also lie with `oh yeah. yeah its just sooo.. i think its [ actual opinion]` like i keep adding filler words until i get to the point #ESPECIALLY if they disagree or even agree ill drag it out more #ummm. something else i lie ab is ummm literally anythinG #i lied ab trips & things happening on trips #like especially if i just throw in a random tragic event that happened #oh yeah i went on a fishing trip 6 years ago. my grandpa died. have you heard of-#yeah whats going on? oh this candy? well mm idk its.. for me its a little bit- like. honestly pretty good.#like dragging it the fuck out for NO reason its HILARIOUS #viv tells me to stfu and talk easier and what I say to that is something that would be a little. kinda idk it would be like. it starts wi

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lilianne-tarot · 2 months ago

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PICK A CARD: What Makes You Most Attractiveִ?

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I. II. III.

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How to Pick Your Pile: Take a deep breath, clear your mind, and look at the images above. Which one pulls you in the most? Trust your gut! Once you choose the image, The number below your chosen image is your pile. If more than one catches your eye, that just means there’s extra tea for you, go ahead and read both!

If you enjoyed this reading, get your own personalized paid reading here! 😊🦋

For personalized 18+ readings, click here!

My KO-FI🫶🏻

MY MASTERLIST 🫶🏻

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⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖PILE I

Cards pulled: page of pentacles, 5 of cups, 10 of swords, ace of pentacles, 7 of cups.

Okay, so Pile 1 is all about the ENERGY yall bring into a room. Like, yall are that "I can't look away from them" type. your most attractive trait is definitely the vibe and presence, that natural charisma that's not forced, that "I don't even try to be hot, I just am" energy. You know those people who just feel powerful but aren’t loud about it? That’s MY PILE 1. Also, there’s a bit of a "dark feminine" or "mysterious masculine" vibe, it doesn't depend on gender, it's the energy I ma talking about. like "I have secrets you’ll never know," It's more about aura than looks or sweetness. Think boss energy, a little intimidating but insanely hot.

You’re that person people underestimate at first, like, they think you're just cute, shy, or chill (Page of Pentacles vibes), but once they get closer, BAM, you hit them with that "I've been through hell and back, and now I sparkle" kinda energy (yes, that beautiful 5 of Cups + 10 of Swords combo, I see you). Honestly, your personality is your biggest magnet, but here’s the twist, it's not the loud, in-your-face kind of personality. It's that "quiet energy, like people can feel there’s something deep under the surface, and it makes them so curious about you. You're the type where someone meets you and they can't stop thinking about you later, wondering like "Why do I feel so drawn to them? What are they hiding?" (7 of Cups, hellooo, daydreamer magnet energy).

Okay, let’s not lie, you’re definitely good-looking, but it’s not necessarily about being the "loudest" in the room. You’re the type people glance at once, and then they can't stop glancing again. Like, the more people look at you, the more they notice all these little things, your eyes, your smile, the way you fidget with your hands when nervous (I see a lot of yall doing that haha), or how your expressions shift when you're thinking deep thoughts. Also, with Ace of Pentacles sitting right here like a lil' glowing gem, there’s something about you that looks fresh, earthy, grounded but precious. Like, you give "first love in a coming-of-age film" kinda attractiveness, pure but profound, y’know? OH YEAH, maybe like those wife shown in the beginning of the movie who dies😭. I’m seeing something about your eyes, like soft but intense, eyes that look like they’ve seen things but still hold kindness. Also, your voice might be something people find themselves hooked on, like calm, soothing, maybe a little shy at first but super comforting when you open up.

YOUR PERSONALITY HONEY, this is where you SHINE, babe. You don’t give everyone access to who you are, and THAT is what makes you so magnetic. Like, people can sense you’ve been hurt before but you’ve rebuilt yourself quietly. You give off that vibe of someone who knows pain but still chooses kindness, and wow… if that isn’t HOT, I don’t know what is. Also, can we talk about how real you are? You’re not here for fake friendships or superficial vibes. People can feel that you crave something deeper, real convos, real bonds. That makes people feel safe with you but also nervous because they're like

Let me tell you something, you don’t even realize how dreamy you are, huh? Like, 7 of Cups is telling me you’re the muse energy. People fantasize about you, imagine convos, scenarios, "what if we dated?" like BABE, get ready because you’re someone’s daydream playlist person. Also, lowkey, you give hopeless romantic vibes, but you hide it under "I’m chill" energy, and that's what’s cute, because once people get a glimpse of that soft side, they MELT. Like, "Wait, they’re thoughtful AND romantic?!" Dead. People are gone.😏

In one sentence? You are that quiet, deep soul who’s soft but strong, mysterious but warm, lowkey stunning in a way that grows on people and makes them obsessed. You're the safe space mixed with a little danger of falling too hard, and that combo is what makes people wanna stick around and peel back your layers.

Liked the reading? get your own personalized super in-depth paid reading here!

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⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖PILE II

Cards pulled: ace of cups, wheel of fortune, strength, queen of cups and 5 of cups.

Before I dive into the reading, I just have to say, THE SPIRITS WERE SO CHATTY FOR THIS PILE! 😭 They really made me exceed my word limit! MESSAGES KEPT POPPING UP FOR THIS PILE!!!

let me just start by saying, PILE 2, y’all are the heartthrobs without even trying. Babe, this pile is literally the "physical attraction" pile, 100%. Like, this pile gives main character looks without even trying, someone who doesn’t realize how stunning they are and that makes them even hotter. People are drawn to their natural beauty, body language, voice, facial expressions, literally how they move and exist in space. EVERYTHING.

As soon as I saw three Cups cards staring at me, I was like "Oh okay, so y’all are that person who makes people feel things huh?" You’re out here unintentionally pulling on people like it’s your part-time job. Let’s get into this because BABY… your emotional energy is your ultimate attraction factor ( including the physical attraction) .

So first off, if we’re asking "What makes you attractive?" It's giving emotional depth, softness, but with a twist, you’re way stronger than people think. Like people probably see you and are like, “Aww, what a sweet soul,” but then when they get to know you, they realize you have this insane inner resilience. That Strength card sitting pretty in the middle? Yeah, that tells me you’re emotionally powerful, like you’ve been through some stuff, but you didn’t let it harden you. Instead, you’re like, “I’ll just love harder, but smarter.” And whew, people FEEL that. whenever I look at the strength card it always makes I feel like the energy where the person have the POWER to tame even a lion with their sweetness (according to the illustration on the card), that's what y'all are pile 2.

You give off the vibe of someone who sees people, like really sees them, in a way that makes them feel safe and understood. You know when you meet someone and just feel like you can exhale around them? That’s YOU. People are magnetized to your energy that feels like home, So it’s a mix of “Wow, they’re so emotionally available” but also “Wait, do I even deserve to be in their world?” And girl, that mystery is part of the charm. You’re like an emotional ocean, people can sense the depth, but they also know if they swim out too far and don’t respect your boundaries, they’ll drown.

Also, Ace of Cups + Queen of Cups?! I mean, HELLO. You radiate love, kindness, softness, but not in a naive way, and I would related it directly to my interpretation of the stegth card. It’s like, “I’ll love you, but I’ll never lose myself again for someone.” And that combo makes people OBSESSED. Like, “How are they so soft and so strong?!” vibes. Now, let me spill some tea on the 5 of Cups because this is so key to your vibe. You’ve been hurt. I feel like a lot of people don’t realize that about you right away, but your softness comes with a story, and honestly, people pick up on that in a subtle way. THAT is so rare, and I think it’s a massive reason why people feel drawn to you. You don’t flaunt your pain, but it lives in your aura in a way that makes people want to protect you… even though you don’t need protecting (you’re stronger than most, let's be real).

Also, I think you attract people who want to be saved or healed, and you probably get tired of that, huh? Like, “Why do all the broken birds fly to me?” kind of thing? Because your nurturing vibe is THAT strong. But low-key, you’re the one who wants someone to show up for you for once, and not just take from your emotional well. And you should. Period. Another layer to what makes you attractive is how you shift people's lives just by being in them. Like people meet you and suddenly they’re questioning everything. You walk into someone's life and suddenly they’re feeling things they’ve avoided, seeing life in a deeper way, realizing what they want in relationships. And I’m hearing this loud, you’re a karmic force in people’s lives, like a wake-up call with a soft voice. Like… iconic, honestly.

Ok, even though this reading is screaming "your heart and soul are your glow," I’m picking up on physical softness that mirrors your emotional energy. Like, there’s something about your eyes, your gaze is watery but deep, like people feel like they’re drowning in your eyes (in a good way, lol). And I’m hearing “smile that hides a thousand stories”, like you could smile, and people are like, “Oh that’s cute,” but also like “What are they thinking? What have they been through?” Also, I’m seeing hair, something about your hair being soft or flowy, even if it’s short, it moves with you in a way that’s very ethereal. And there’s definitely something about your hands or the way you move them when you talk that people watch. You probably don’t notice it, but it’s hypnotizing.

i know it is super out of context but I feel like Someone definitely has had a CRUSH on you for ages but is scared to approach you because of how “above them” you seem emotionally, like they think they can’t match your depth. Also… you’ve been through a big emotional chapter recently, haven’t you? I feel like a new love, romantic or self-love, is around the corner.

So now I HAVE to ask you, do you realize you give off this "emotional heartbreaker but soft angel" vibe? Like, are you aware of this, or is this a news to you? LOL Because I feel like people fall HARD for you and you’re like, “Wait, what? I was just existing.” 😂

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⋆౨ৎ˚⟡˖PILE III

cards pulled: 6 of swords, ace of cups, queen of cups, judgement and the sun.

Omg okay, first of all, can we just pause and appreciate this lineup for a sec?? Like, babe, THE SUN and Judgement pulling up together is already giving "I walk in and the whole room turns to stare" vibes. And then all that emotional depth with the Ace of Cups, Queen of Cups, and even the 6 of Swords? This pile is basically the human embodiment of healing hot. You know, the kind of person who's been through it but still shines like a literal beam of light?? Like "I’ve been through storms, but I’m here glowing and unbothered."

Okay, so if we’re asking "What makes you SO attractive?", the loudest message coming through (and I’m talking like a siren blasting in my ear) is your emotional depth, softness, and healing presence. This pile is ALL about your personality vibes and hidden charms. So if you were hoping I’d talk about something super specific like "your eyes" or "your smile," honey, I’m gonna be real, this goes so much deeper than surface level. You’re that person who people think about deep in their thoughts, wondering, "How do they make me feel so safe? Why do I feel like I can tell them everything?" Like straight up, you are emotionally magnetic.

You radiate safety and warmth, and people are drawn to you because you just "get it." Like, you don’t even have to say anything, and people already feel like you understand what they’ve been through. The Queen of Cups and Ace of Cups combo is screaming: "I have a heart big enough to hold space for everyone’s pain and joy." And honestly? Not many people have that capacity, so when folks meet you, it feels rare. It feels special.🫡

I’m also picking up that you’re the kind of person who makes healing look sexy. (IDK why I'm saying this but plss that's the message😭) Like, you’re not here being all broken and messy (though hey, no shame if you are sometimes, we all are!). People are fascinated by how you’ve turned your pain into beauty.

Also, can we talk about how the Sun is showing up here like, You’re not just soft and deep, you also have this bright, warm, hopeful energy that shines through even when you’ve been through dark times. And that combo? Whew. Like mysterious but also sunshine when people get to know you? Iconic. People think they’re getting this deep, poetic soul (which you are), but then boom, you make them laugh or show them light when they least expect it. Literally the "serotonin boost" friend.

Let me just say this: You’re the kind of person people fall in love with slowly, but hard. trust me when I say this cuz when you fall for this type of person it's the hardest to move on from, like IMPOSSIBLE (UHM....speaking from experience🫠)

At first, they might be like, "Oh, they’re sweet, cool." But then after spending time with you? They realize you’re the calm in the storm. You probably don’t even know the grip you have on people because you're just out here being kind, someone's developing a full-blown crush just watching you exist (again, speaking from experience....). Like, someone could see you gently checking on a friend and think, "Oh no, why do I suddenly want to marry them?" Also, with Judgement here, you give major transformative vibes, like people meet you and start questioning their whole life. "Why am I settling? I deserve better, like them." You inspire people to become better versions of themselves. And babe, THAT is wildly attractive. That "wake-up call" energy that makes people go, "I didn’t know I could feel this way until I met you." Now let me circle back to the 6 of Swords because, oh my god, this is so interesting, this card is giving me "I've moved on from the chaos" energy. So you don’t chase, you attract. You’re the person who’s been through rough waters, but instead of becoming bitter or closed off, you’re like, "I’m at peace now. If you want to join me in that peace, cool. If not, keep it moving."

And THAT, my love, is part of what makes you irresistible, you’re not out here thirsty for anyone’s attention. You’re calm, secure, and moving forward in life, and nothing’s hotter than someone who knows their worth. I’m also getting this random but strong vibe that you have a “look” when people cross boundaries, like a quiet but firm stare, and people literally fear disappointing you because you’re so kind but also so real. Like, "Omg, did I just ruin my chance with them?" kind of vibe. 💀 Also, random but I’m hearing "your laugh is addictive" and "your eyes give away your soul", like people can feel things just by looking into your eyes or hearing you laugh. So don’t underestimate those, okay?

Now babe, let me ask, because I’m nosy like that, do people randomly trauma-dump on you in like, grocery stores and public places? 'Cause I’m getting serious "strangers tell me their life story" vibes from this. Also, do people fall for you but don’t know how to handle the feelings because you awaken something real in them? Like "oh no, I thought this was a casual crush but now I wanna write them poetry". Also… you may not realize this but people low-key compete to be close to you. Like, your presence is that precious. 👀

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Thank you so much for reading all the way through! I hope my reading resonated with you and that you had a lovely time going through it. If you enjoyed it, please like and reblog, it really means a lot! Let me know which pile you chose; I absolutely love hearing your thoughts and feedback on my readings! ♡

Note: tarot cards provide guidance and possible insights into what could happen based on current energies, thoughts, and actions. the cards can highlight potential paths or outcomes, but they do not predict the future in a fixed way. this is a general reading so take what resonates!

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lastoneout · 5 months ago

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It really is kinda awful how many job listings will just straight up lie to you about what you "need" to be able to do to screen out disabled applicants. Like fucking Safeway will be looking for a cashier and the listing is like "you ABSOLUTELY MUST be able to stand for 8+ hours a day, NO exceptions" as if you can't do everything required to run the check out line sitting down. Old Navy is like "you must be able to understand body language and facial expressions and make eye contact" like sorry dude I think autistic people can sell t-shirts just fine without doing all that, like honestly what the hell does understanding facial expressions have to do with telling someone where the clearance section is. Don't really think the customers at TJ Max are going to go full Purge mode if one employee can only perform a task requiring fine motor skills 15 times a minute instead of 30, like idk maybe you don't need the lines to move thst fast actually. Maybe everyone can chill out and wait a second. I think the people at Starbucks will be okay if the barista isn't great at multitasking and can't make small talk with every single customer while also running the drive through and making 15 different drinks.

It's such horseshit, none of these job require these things but they can just lie and say they do and disabled people will clear out because we know it's just a big neon sign saying "crippled freaks need not apply", even if that sentence is followed by some fake ass fluff about you being an equal opportunity employer. Like you would not be insisting your underpaid cashiers be able to "make eye contact and understand body language" if you cared about not discriminating against disabled people, that wording specifically is straight out of the DSM-5, what you're doing is fucking obvious and pure goddam evil.

The best part too is then you get denied for SSI benefits because you "can" work, they don't actually care that every single job listing is tailor made to tell us to fuck right off. The potential to be able to work and actually being able to be hired are too different things entirely but sure. I can work. If I find an employer that doesn't care that I'm in a wheelchair and can't make eye contact or life heavy objects or that I need to only work 4 hours a day so I still have the energy to take care of myself outside of work and also have to take 10 days a month off for doctor's appointments and unpredictable health flares. And also crucially does NOT require a fucking degree or drivers license. Find me a job like that that and I'd be overjoyed to work.

But trust me, jobs that can accommodate me simply do not fucking exist, and unfortunately for all of us that is very much by design.

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nereidprinc3ss · 7 months ago

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do you believe me now? | 9

in which we find out how the morning after went for fem!reader. you finally share with spencer after unanticipated anxieties come up. you're continually shocked by his affection for you.

series masterlist

this series is 18+ (angst, fluff) warnings/tags: (preface none of the bad stuff is done by spencer) sexual harassment, slut shaming, non consensual voyeurism of sorts, blood + pain from losing virginity, talk of rape (nothing like that actually happens), implied nonspecific age gap (someone says he looks slightly older than you) non sexual nudity, showering together, intimacy, ewww being in love is embarrassing a/n: I honestly was not gonna post this today but I decided to bc it's just Tumblr its not that deep also you can probably tell I am just creating problems bc I don't wanna let go of them...... ik this is supposed to be a smutty series btw and trust good things come to those who wait!!!but anyways idk what I'm doing and I kinda hate this!! lolol!!!

Friday morning

The air is thick when you wake up—the angle of the sun through the window is lower than usual, and the binding weight of your limbs as you struggle to stretch in place all suggest that you’ve slept in.

But you don’t check the time quite yet—for a moment, you simply lie there, studying the pattern on your ceiling, downloading the events of the previous night.

Flashes of skin on skin, lips, breaths, whispers, promises. Phantom sensations.

Was it even real?

Your apartment is deafeningly silent, you realize. And you have that sinking sense, which you can’t quite explain but know to be true—that you are alone. Spencer is gone. You can’t feel him like you’d be able to if he were simply on the couch or in the kitchen. He’s definitely not in bed with you, and the sheets have long gone cold.

The truth of it renders about as slowly as your sluggish consciousness does, and you frown, not quite sure what to do with that information. Should you be angry? Should you cry?

Mostly you’re confused.

As soon as you sit up, sore thighs and abs and a strange ache between your legs confirm that last night was not a dream nor a figment of your imagination. You’ll figure out what to do about your twinging body in a moment—for now you rub your eyes and blindly reach for the bedside table, knocking several things to the ground in your quest for your phone.

It’s not there, you realize, once you actually try to use your eyes. It’s not in bed with you either as you pat the sheets, and it doesn’t materialize as you sit on your knees and shake out the comforter.

From this venture, however, you learn two things. First, Spencer must’ve taken it upon himself to get you dressed last night, which you have no recollection of, but you doubt you sleepwalked your way into underwear and a big t-shirt; and second��you bled.

It wasn’t something you were thinking about in the moment, but now, faced with all the evidence and none of the pleasure of last night’s activities, it’s jarring. A stark, unforgiving archipelago of red on a pristine sea of white.

People say, at its best, sex brings couples closer. Spencer once told you it could facilitate feelings of deeper connection. But here you are, no longer a virgin, and what do you have to show for it? A stronger bond with your boyfriend? He’s not even here.

All you have is this glaring red stain marring perfectly good sheets. It mocks you, like something you’ve dropped and can’t pick back up. You can’t think looking at it, and you need to think, and so in a fit of frustration you’re pulling the comforter onto the floor, leaning over your mattress and yanking the fitted sheet free. You ball it up in your hands, breathing heavily—and realize you bled through to the mattress.

Wonderful.

Spencer’s just at work, you tell yourself, grabbing the first pair of shorts you see and pulling them on before gathering the ruined sheet once more and stomping on aching legs through your apartment to the hallway, not even bothering with shoes. He can’t just play hooky because his clingy girlfriend lost her virginity and needs to be comforted like some previously celibate high school cheerleader.

But you miss him so much it’s making you angry, so much your eyes are stinging and welling with tears of frustration as you shove your bed linens down the trash chute at the end of your floor’s hallway. You’re supposed to be independent. That’s how you’ve always been. Since when does it bother you to wake up alone? It’s just sex. It’s not as big a deal for him as it is for you. Or for anyone. You’re the one overreacting, you’re the one who expects too much. He works for the FBI, for god’s sake. There are people dying, and here you are—

“What’chya got there?”

The gruff voice makes you jump, and you turn around just as the bundle is disappearing down into the hole in the wall. It’s your neighbor, Jerry—the one in the unit right next to you. You’re not happy to see him, especially like this. He’s got a blue 5 o’clock shadow despite the hour, and is clad in ill-fitting gray sweats and a pair of ratty slippers. His distended belly strains at the confines of an oil-stained white shirt, tied with a dingy checkered robe. You barely meet his drooping eyes before looking longingly back at your cracked door down the hall.

“Just… garbage.” You shift your weight, hiding a wince as you try to find a comfortable position to stand in. Jerry notices this, and you wish his eyes wouldn’t linger on your bare legs like that.

“Huh. Looks like someone had a late night.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s just noon and you’re still in your PJ’s.”

Disgusting. And who the fuck is he to judge? At least your pajamas are clean.

You shrug. “Yeah.”

He scratches his bald head.

“So that boy tired you out pretty good, huh?”

Your stomach drops. Your brain freezes.

When you don’t reply, he takes the liberty of continuing on.

“Saw him sneaking out of your apartment in the middle of the night. He looked a little older ’n you. You like ’em older?” His laugh is a cruel bark. “Yeah… He’s a lucky man. You know, it’s natural for a man to like a younger girl. Fresh meat, ’n all.” You try to speak and can only swallow a gag. Jerry adjusts his stance, hands in pockets like he’s telling you a local news story. “Heard some of it. Sounded like you were putting on quite the show. And sure, a young pretty thing like you? Hell, I would if I could. But I’ll tell you right now, you don’t wanna end up like my daughter. She wasn’t as pretty as you, but still—three kids with three men by the time she was 24. She should'a kept her damn legs closed. You know, she loved to cry rape, but you gotta ask yourself, if your legs are open all the damn time, what do you expect? Back in the day we all knew girls like that—” he bats the air dismissively. “Guess you can’t call ’em sluts anymore—they get what they’re asking for one way or another. See, I think everyone still knows it and they’re just too afraid to say it. So my advice: don’t let yourself get used up, you hear me? Not by men who are gonna ride you hard and put you away wet. So to speak. Men can smell a girl like that from a mile away, and they’ll take it as an open invitation. It’s just human nature.”

When he finally stops talking, the hallway fills with a vacuous silence. It makes your ears ring. Several moments pass, but you’re frozen. Your whole body feels intolerably hot but your blood is freezing. How are you supposed to react?

“Hello?” He says, voice loud enough to hurt your ears as it echoes.

Get out of here, your more rational self says to the rest of you, and you mumble something, you don’t even know what, excusing yourself to hurry on stiff legs back down the hall to your door.

Once inside, you do up every lock on your door, and face your apartment, shoulders tensed practically to your ears and fists clenched so tight your arms are trembling. On autopilot you look around for something to do, but there’s nothing. More importantly, nobody.

I’ll call Spencer. He’ll know what to do.

No, you won’t, your higher self reminds you. You lost your phone. And besides, it’s clearly not like he wanted to stick around last night. Maybe he doesn’t even like you anymore.

So you’re stuck here. Stranded. Sharks can smell blood.

Processing that information, you walk back to your bedroom and close the door behind you—before promptly sinking to the ground and burying your face in the duvet with a deep, silent sob.

That goes on for a few minutes until you realize you’re too achy and you can’t breathe and you’re forced onto your side, curling up in your blanket on the floor like it’s a nest and not a burial plot.

You shouldn’t get ahead of yourself. A relationship can’t implode twice in 24 hours. You don’t have your phone. Maybe he’s texted you.

But is that really all you’re worth? A text sent after the fact? He couldn’t sacrifice a few hours to sleep by your side? Couldn’t even wake you up to say goodbye? You think about the sweet things he’d said afterward—the way he held you, fingers dancing down your spine. Promises he made when you were half asleep in his arms, so sure he’d be there when you woke up.

Even fucking Jerry the neighbor—who you think might have just sexually harassed you in the hallway—said Spencer should’ve stuck around.

Fuck.

No, don’t think about that. It doesn’t even matter. They were just words.

Heard some of it. Sounded like you put on quite the show.

Your skin crawls and your stomach turns as you hold yourself tighter. Something that was supposed to be private and special—and some random man not only had a front row seat to your deflowering but felt comfortable talking about it with you. It feels like a violation. Like he crashed a really important party. If you had known you had an audience last night, you never would’ve done it.

The way he looked at you, tracing your legs with his eyes like he was touching you—

You scramble up from the floor and walk heavily on your knees to the dresser, digging up a pair of pajama pants and a hoodie. You should be showering, but you don’t want to deal with your body right now. You just want to hide.

Friday evening—present

After your conversation, Spencer seems eager to make sure the car ride to his apartment is not reminiscent of the car ride to yours last night—he holds your hand, resting in your lap, bringing your knuckles to his lips at a red light. Every few moments he glances over at you, maybe to appreciate the view (though you doubt it’s especially scenic at the moment) or perhaps to gauge your mood. The further away you get from your apartment building the better you feel, and you try to focus on that. Sure—maybe you had a shit day, but Spencer’s here now, and he didn’t leave you after all. In fact, since finding your phone, you’ve seen the series of very sweet and highly concerned messages he sent over the course of a few hours. They almost make your stomach hurt. It would’ve been really nice to have those earlier.

He doesn’t ask you any more of the hard questions, but you sense an inquisition in the works and getting closer with every curious glance he gives you. It’s like he’s unwrapping you, layer by layer, using his impressive cognitive faculties to drill through your skull into your brain and deeper still into your soul.

Back in his apartment you sit awkwardly on the bed. Last time you’d been here, things hadn’t gone so well for you.

The shower starts in the adjoined bathroom, and Spencer comes out a moment later, warm light seeping into the darkened bedroom. Purple and dark blue mixing with yellow, like a bruise.

“Hey. Water’s warm.”

You hum, smoothing the material of his neatly made bed with your palm and watching the way it flattens. That had been your doing. You may have thought he was on the verge of breaking up with you last time you slept here, but you didn’t want to leave his home a mess. Didn’t want to leave any evidence of your having been here.

A moment passes. You thumb at a thread and don’t look up.

Spencer crosses the space without a word and crouches in front of you, hands coming up to cup the back of your legs, running knee to ankle and up again.

“Can you tell me what’s going on? Please?” He asks softly. His voice wrings your heart out. Now that you’re in a completely different space, and you’re not so alone anymore, you’re struggling to sort out your feelings. It should be fine. You’re with Spencer. Presumably he still loves you.

And you still feel terrible.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” you whisper.

“I know,” he says, just as quietly.

Spencer doesn’t say anything else. I know you don’t want to—and yet. Your lips twist to the side. He’s persistent. Even in his kindness. It’s not the kind of care that falters or buckles when you try turning it away.

“My neighbor said he c—”

You’re forced to stop, frowning by how overcome you are. It shouldn’t be such a big deal. Worse things have happened to you.

“He said he could hear us. Last night.”

Spencer’s hands stop on your legs. You can’t meet his eyes. You’re afraid whatever you find there won’t be the right thing.

“He’s in the unit next to you?”

You nod. “We share a wall.”

There’s a moment’s hesitation and your stomach sinks. He doesn’t understand.

“What did he say?”

“Just… dumb shit,” you scoff, fiercely wiping away a stray tear. “He said he listened and it sounded like I was putting on quite the show. And then he—and then he told me not to let you… use me up, whatever that means. He called me fresh meat, and said I shouldn’t let you ride me hard and put me away wet, and bad things happen to sluts who can’t keep their legs closed.”

You finish with a sharp inhale, briefly leaning down and covering your face with your hands when you realize how upset you really are. You want to hide it.

A fraught moment passes. Spencer reaches for your hands, no doubt to try and pull them away from your face. You spare him the trouble, sitting up with a cavalier sniff before he can touch you and brushing your hair behind your ears.

His voice is uncomfortably quiet. You can’t look at him. “Baby…”

“Don’t. It’s fine. I only told you because you asked.”

It’s not his fault, but you’re mad at him anyway, and so you avoid eye-contact like it’s the plague. Maybe it’s just safe to be mad at him. Maybe he knows that.

Regardless, you’re not in the mood for coddling. It’s borderline repulsive—like trying to mix oil and water. Anything good slides right off of you because maybe you’re not designed to be able to absorb good things.

Nothing changes for a minute—and then he’s standing, offering you a moment alone as he goes to crank the shower off.

As soon as he’s gone all the air is vacuumed from your lungs and you crumple, heaving it back in silently as your head spins and your heart races. It’s like your mind is split in two—half is primal, overwhelming panic, and the other a cold observatory eye, full of disdain and scorn for what it deems a severe overreaction to a few nasty comments made hours ago. You’re so tangled up as you curl in on yourself on your side that you can’t even cry. You’re just trying to remember how to breathe, ignoring the crawling feeling up your spine and the tingling heat at the back of your neck. The shower stops on the downbeat of your staggered breath, and then it’s silent. He’ll come back at any minute and see what a mess you’ve become.

You’ve ruined everything. If only you could’ve kept it to yourself.

When Spencer reappears in the doorway, and sees you collapsed and curling like paper burnt at the edges, he’s quick to return to you.

“I’m sorry,” you manage, trying and failing to brush away hair from your cheek, which is wet—so you were crying—and Spencer shushes you, pushing it away for you as he kneels.

“Why are you apologizing?”

“I’m being dramatic, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Of course, at the end of that declaration, a sob wrenches its way from the depths of you, so bright and cleaving you half expect the smell of ozone to follow. You follow it with a blisteringly self-deprecating laugh.

“Don’t—don’t do that. Don’t minimize it.”

His hand is warm where it rests over your cheek, affectionate, but he sounds frustrated. You frown and sniffle.

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Tell me his name.”

It’s a quiet request, made as gently as his hand cards through the hair at your temple like it’s woven with fragile threads of gold.

“No, Spencer,” you beg, anxiety pooling in your gut and rising in your throat, “please, I don’t want to make it a thing, I don’t want you to talk to him. You’ll just make it worse, it’s fine.”

You look at him imploringly, eyes wide and still welling, hoping to god the gravity of your plead will sink in. His are a bed of coals—somewhere between furious and sympathetic, and you try to appeal to the sympathy.

“It is not fine. Saying sluts get what’s coming to them is not fine, that is a threat, and I’m not going to talk to him. I’m going to have him fucking arrested.”

You scoff.

“For talking to me? Yeah, good luck with that. Cops are really known for being helpful when it comes to sexual harassment.”

“Baby. Men who are comfortable violating your boundaries like that are exponentially more likely to commit an actual violent crime. That is not a safe person for you to be around.”

“He’s not gonna rape me, Spencer! He’s just a gross old man! This is why I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew you’d make it a bigger deal than it is! You did it last night and you’re doing it now—you think everyone is out to get me!”

To his credit, he doesn’t so much as raise his voice.

“Of course it’s a big deal. You’re upset.”

“Yeah, well, it’s my own fault.”

Maybe it’s the wrong thing to say. Spencer goes silent for a moment.

“It’s your fault?”

“Yes. It’s my fault because… because now everyone knows that I’m…”

His voice goes impossibly soft again. “Knows that you’re what?”

“I mean, what did I expect?” You sniffle. “It’s an apartment. If I didn’t want to deal with the consequences, I shouldn’t’ve done it.”

He says your name like it’s a ring he twists around his finger as he tries to think—to gather the right words.

“The consequences for having sex do not involve punishment or sexual harassment.”

“It’s the result of my actions, so—”

“No, it’s the result of your neighbor being disgusting. I don’t care what he heard, he doesn’t get to talk to you like that.”

“He—”

“If you heard something you weren’t supposed to hear would you bring it up to the person the next day?”

“Stop interrupting me,” you plead. Spencer looks like he has something to say to that, too, but he swallows it. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. “I… understand that he shouldn’t have said those things to me. But that doesn’t change the fact that he did, and it was really, really uncomfortable and I don’t wanna—I don’t wanna go back now. Maybe that’s dramatic, but…”

You trail off, studying the ceiling as a fresh wash of tears dampen your cheeks. Spencer’s hand slides down your waist as you wipe your face. “I don’t regret the fact that we slept together. I just regret everything that’s happened since, and if I didn’t do it last night, none of this would’ve happened. I feel like he ruined everything.”

The words end on another cry and you put your hand over your eyes like you could stop it all from coming out. You sniffle. Spencer is quiet for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he eventually whispers, his own voice threaded with emotion. “I…”

He sighs. You push your hair back and look at him.

“What?”

He studies you, chewing on his lip like a nervous tick you’ve never seen before. You sit up again, feet balanced on the edge of the bed frame. Spencer’s eyes remain stuck on you. Again, you ask, “What?”

“I didn’t think about it until you brought it up earlier, but—I did see someone. Him, I think, when I went out to my car to get my bag. He was smoking when I came out, and when I got back into the lobby he was waiting for the elevator. We took it up together, he—he said something to me, so I know he saw me going back to you. I don’t know why he made it sound like I left.”

You frown. “What did he say?”

Spencer hesitates.

“He asked if I had a long night. He was obviously commenting on the fact that I was basically half-dressed and getting an overnight bag from my car at one in the morning, so he could probably gather from context what was going on, but… my point is, he knew I came back and it seems like he was almost trying to make you think I didn’t. So for whatever reason, maybe he was lying about being able to hear you, too. Maybe he just wanted to make you uncomfortable.”

“That’s a long shot, Spencer.”

“I know, but… it’s not that long. He obviously gets off on it—and besides, he said you were putting on a show, but you weren’t… you weren’t loud, last night.”

Heats blossoms in your cheeks and you look down at your lap. “Thin walls.”

“Have you ever heard your neighbors before?”

You have to seriously think about it.

“I’ve heard them yelling…”

“Nothing else?”

Again, you consider it. The answer comes as a surprise.

“No.”

“Okay, so… does that maybe help a little bit? I really, really don’t want you to feel like last night was a mistake in any way, or let anyone ruin it for you.”

You breathe deeply. “I know. It… it kinda helps, yeah.”

His hands come to the top of your legs. There’s so much genuine care and concern in his eyes. “Yeah?”

Only when you nod does he relax some. His hands skim your thighs, and you set yours on top of his own. For a few breaths, it’s quiet. And then you laugh.

“What?” Spencer asks, a tentative smile curling his own lips like he doesn’t know if he should be concerned or participate in your mirth.

“I—I don’t know how to say it without being cheesy,” you admit, sniffling the last of your tears away and smiling softly down at him.

“I think you should say it.”

You link your fingers with his on your lap, watching the way they twine like it’s what they were meant to do.

“I was just thinking about how I had, like, the worst day ever. And how much worse it would’ve gotten if you didn’t show up when you did—I would’ve completely spiraled. But you did show up. And how easy it is to kind of compartmentalize, because I have you, and when I’m with you… nothing feels as hard. You make the bad things feel smaller, I guess.”

By the end, it got a lot more real than you’d intended, and your face feels warm, and your stomach is sort of floaty—but you don’t look away from Spencer. You hold his gaze, though it makes you a little nervous, because you want him to know you mean it.

He inhales, like he’s going to say something, but he doesn’t—only looks at you, like you’re beautiful and impossible and a defiance of everything he thought he knew, which was almost everything. To him, you’re expansive. A gorgeous anomaly.

And then he stands, holding his hands out for you. Without question you take them, and he pulls you to your feet, absorbing the momentum that threatens to topple you, and he wraps his arms around you tightly. So tight you have to laugh.

“I love you,” he says against your shoulder, one hand coming to cradle the back of your head.

Your humor softens, but doesn’t become inflexible—still tinges your words with the perfect amount of euphoria and relief. “I love you.”

“Thanks,” he mumbles, and your laughter flares again.

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“But I’m grateful. I… I feel lucky.”

Always so earnest, so vulnerable, when you’re least expecting it—which should be always, you’re learning. You pull back to look up at him. You don’t want that concession to go unrewarded.

“Me too,” you say softly. He’s doing that fond thing with his eyes, where they’re all soft and it’s like he’s trying to take in every millimeter of your face. This time when he goes to touch your hair, you have the wherewithal to dodge it.

“You’re really brave for trying to touch my hair right now.”

“Why?” He asks, utterly bewildered, and the softness of the moment falls away easily, but not without leaving everything smudged and fuzzy around the edges. Everything is still okay. It’s still good.

“Because it’s dirty,” you laugh, dodging him again and eventually ducking from the circle of his arms entirely.

“Oh, your hair is dirty? Should we breakup?”

“Hm. I don’t really like when you take on that tone with me.” You’re still half-laughing, dipping and weaving past him toward the bathroom as he tries to get you in his arms again. And then you stop, toes just short of the tile.

“What is it?” He asks after another moment. You blink, looking at the shower head as it drips.

“Um—would it be okay if I had a five minute headstart in the shower?”

“Sure. Is everything okay?”

“It’s fine. I just… I need a minute.”

His hand skims your waist as he passes by you through the open door. “Okay. Why don’t you grab your stuff and I’ll get the water going again?”

Soon enough, you’re remembering how much better his water pressure is than yours as you stand under the torrent, eyes closed as if in prayer. You definitely could’ve stood to shower earlier in the day. But you had other concerns, earlier, and besides—you were afraid of what you might find.

And you were right to be. The sex was nice. The aftermath isn’t quite as pretty.

When Spencer taps on the bathroom door, you’re nervous.

“You can come in,” you call.

“You sure? If you want it all to yourself, that’s okay too.”

“No, no. It’s fine.”

The door creaks open, and gently clicks into place again, and fabric rustles as he undresses, and soon the shower curtain is sliding aside and he’s stepping in. Unsurprisingly, the space feels smaller with him in it—but not small in a bad way. It feels warmer. Again you’re awash in that safe feeling, which you didn’t realize you’d been missing so much today.

“Hi,” he smiles, a teasing sliver of what you know to be the most brilliant light in the world, and stunning like the rest of him as you watch the water begin to darken his hair.

“Hello.”

His smile flickers briefly wider like you’re his favorite thing and he just can’t contain his joy, and then it’s easing again, giving you a moment to catch your breath.

“Is it okay if I touch you?”

In this alien context the idea has your heart pounding—you don’t really understand the concept of casual nudity yet, but you know he’ll respect your earlier wishes to keep it chaste and so you nod.

Spencer doesn’t take you immediately in his arms like you’d expected—instead his hands find a rest at your collarbones and carefully push your wet hair back over your shoulders—but his eyes aren’t cast quite low enough to be indecent. They connect dots over your chest and neck, and he thumbs at one just over your pulse point.

“Oh, man,” he laughs, and you think you detect a hint of self-deprecation. “That’s… wow, I didn’t realize I… sorry. They don’t hurt, do they?”

It’s your turn to smile as he’s suddenly over-concerned.

“No, they don’t hurt.”

“Good.” He looks relieved, but it doesn’t last as his eyes trace lower—though you don’t sense any hunger in it. He’s just taking you in. “How about everywhere else?”

“Um… it’s not bad. Kind of, like… I don’t know. Sore. But it’s not bad.”

“Still?” He frowns, clearly unfazed by your evident embarrassment on the subject. You shrug and avert your eyes.

“It’s fine. it was worse earlier, so.”

That does not have the calming effect you’d intended.

“Worse? 1-10, how—”

“Spencer, it’s fine, I promise. It’s only when I—when I move certain ways, I notice. Honestly the… blood… was way more disconcerting to me.”

“Yeah, I saw your bed… sorry for ruining your sheets. I’ll buy you new ones.”

You shrug, watching the water run in rivulets down your arm and branch off into tributaries and waterfalls from your fingers. “You don’t have to do that. It was a collaborative effort.”

Normally this conversation would have you melting into an embarrassed puddle, but something about the tile cocoon of the shower, the humid fog, the proximity, feels safe. The white noise of water on porcelain, the warmth. You go to him at the same time as he comes to you—his arms around your waist, yours slung over his shoulders. Your eyes flutter shut. Falling asleep standing up has never seemed so plausible until now.

He presses a kiss to your head. You sigh.

“Ugh. I don’t want to deal with washing my hair.”

“I can do it,” Spencer immediately offers. You frown.

“I was—you don’t have to. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was asking.”

“I know you didn’t.”

“It’s a process.”

“I understand.”

“You would have to do it exactly how I say.”

“I am willing to learn. I like taking care of you.”

You’re glad for the hot water, then, and as he washes your hair. You’re not sure if you’re crying at the tenderness of his touch, or the way he loves you like you’re easy to love. You’re too tired to explain it.

He doesn’t push you, because he never pushes you.

He just washes your hair.

part ten

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