#like especially if i just throw in a random tragic event that happened

[cockquette]

i forgot the simple joys of lying i should just start spouting bullshit until my other half bega me to stop

[ziracona]

so can u tell us a little about ur characterization of Lisa?? What's she like inside and outside of trials? Does she have a lot of lucidity, what were her relationships with others like, would she ever get better, do you think? ( im SAD.) Just. What's she like!! Also, same for Sally? Oh! And I'm rly enjoying two songs by Meg Myers which maybe you'll like? Running up that hill (Cover) and Desire. Maybe check em out? :3 - Sleepy

Sure!

My Lisa is from a bit before the archives for her placed her (early 1970s), because I wrote ILM back when there was no date given for many killers or survivors, so I just hoped they were historically accurate with the things they did mention & went through a fairly exhaustive list of drained swamps in the Southern US & paddleboat makes & placed her according to that data (it’s been a bit so I don’t remember the exact date without looking up my notes) in the 1920s-1930s, I believe? And in her early 20s, since she’s described as a girl & young woman, which DbD usually does only for characters in their early 20s. (Which I’d still assume is her age, bc even though her archives, if you go by them, have her in her teens, they’re not connected to the events of her disappearance/definitely happened before them.)

In trials, Lisa has like 0 lucidity. I talk about this some in chapter notes, so I’ll try to give a quick overview instead but sry if I restart myself. She’s so starved that any time she sees a living being, she is just completely overcome with hunger and can’t do anything but operate on it. Very scary. Feral. Like being attacked by a starving animal. She’s super out of it, and is completely wild and violent and has no control, only the need to eat. Outside of trials, if no one is around, she’s lucid again, but will remember trials and what she did to people, and spends that time in horror and despair. She’s tried to kill herself before, because the last thing she ever wanted was to become the thing she swore vengeance on (the Entity’s a real cruel motherfucker. Did the same to Rin, to Philip, to everyone it could. Likes to really twist decent people into what they would most despair to be), but in the realm, she’s stuck as it. She’s not really aware for trials, but remembers them with decent clarity, and is in constant agony over what she’s done. Unfortunately, suicide does not take in the realm, and every one of her attempts failed, just like her attempts to maim or tie herself up so she wouldn’t be able to hurt people did. She’s horribly alone and despairing, and also in physical agony. She’s at the worst end of what a human can be at as far as emaciation and starvation while still being alive goes, and that’s physically awful. It fucks up your brain chemistry too, and everything is just really fucking miserable all the time. It hurts to move, it hurts to breathe, your breath smells tastes like rotten fruit but in a way that’s so much worth than that can sound. She’s so hungry, her addons are things like dragonfly wings consumed to give her extra stamina. That’s the kind of bare sliver of relief she ever gets. God, poor Lisa’s life is hell. She’s completely heartbroken and isolated and almost dead. As far as relationships go, she didn’t have any for a long time. No one can really interact with her, because she goes feral at the sight of food. She’s kinda utterly alone. But briefly, when Alex, Philip, Vigo, Benedict, and Sally were a group, she kind of got stumbled into, and after a kind of nasty first encounter, was able to regain lucidity around other people, and had a truly sweet and memorable and invaluable bit of time with love and friends and other people. She was kind of in love with Sally, who did her hair for her and was really kind to her, and Sally liked her too. They were close. Lisa was close with all of them. But when things ended the way they did, the Entity took that away. Lisa remembers it, but she could never get them or it back, and was cast aside and left behind until the end of ILM, when she finally got peace and found happiness in finally getting to be at rest in the arms of a friend. Overal, she’s a fairly young and wide-eyed, bright, cautious, fun and sweet girl by nature, now massively traumatized and hopeless and broken, but still with a truly incredible amount of that kind nature retained. She would have really loved reading fantasy novels aloud and exploring the worlds of lore and history, travelling, seeing other cultures and geographic features and animals. Enjoys fashion too, and has a heart for designing and making cool, personal and cultural and symbolic tied designs, and would have been both great at that and loved it if she’d lived long enough. (Shoutout to @artianaiolanthe who inspired the fashion take & it is so suited to her I love it). A little shy, but an extrovert at heart under it, just a nervous one. Loved people. Liked climbing trees and fording brooks and baking bread and throwing rocks and baseballs to knock a target out of a tree and win a prize at little town fairs. Didn’t get the length or quality of life she was owed, and it’s just not fair or okay at all. Liked to watch the stars.

As far as getting better goes, mentally, totally. If they could get her out of the realm or break the Entity’s connection, she’d immediately stop killing. She has never done it of her own free will. She’s a sweet small town kid who was just trying to live her life. As far as physically goes though, Lisa is in one of the worst possible spots. Unlike say Amanda, who was on death’s door but healed by the Entity, or the Legion, who weren’t injured at all, Lisa was on death’s door and like Adiris, did not get healed. Just preserved in that near-death state and forced to work in it. Honestly, it’s possible she could survive long enough to get to a hospital and be saved, but at best, she’d probably live another year. When you starve, your body begins to catabolize/eat your own tissue to save itself, starting with fat, and ending with muscles and organs, which, when it reaches the heart, kills you. Lisa was so close to dead, the organ damage was probably awful, and would leave her with complications that would take her very young. The most likely thing, since she was saved literally seconds before death, would be for her to step outside the realm and immediately die. However, it’s possible she got lucky on body damage and could be saved—kinda up to interpretation—and if say, she was around for Quentin’s Vigil going healing batshit, and got some organs repaired that way, she’d have a real shot. (I also am sad. Lisa was actually the only determinate character in ILM to me/that I wasn’t sure the ending for, and while I am very happy with what ended up being her closure, I also would like to see her live for even more love and peace TuT. Lol, if I ever end up doing my goddamn four fate route fics like I’ve joked now a truly dangerous number of times about doing [>.> me @ me] then maybe she will get a variety of lives in the end). I’m glad you wanted to know! I really like and pity her. This poor kid really did nothing wrong, much like Rin, and just got eternally tortured for asking for help and justice against the monsters who took her life so violently. Fuck Brittany. (Read: the Entity.)

Ahhhh Sally. My sweet, sweet girl. Uhhh, not sure which of the Lisa questions you meant for her too, so I’ll try to speed-answer them all? Sally’s intelligent and understanding and thoughtful, patient, polite, almost elegant despite how impoverished she spent most of her life—she just tries to act like a lady and treat people with as much respect and esteem as she can (unless they suck lol). She’s also very mentally damaged and not there though, and has extremely unstable mood swings, especially into despair. Her relationships with the other killers were limited. She talked to & was on polite terms with any who would talk to her and not be condescending or a dick so openly she’d pick up on it (so like, on cordial terms with Evan, Herman, Caleb if she’d been there that long, but not like, Kenneth or Freddy or someone who wouldn’t bother to put up an act). But mostly, after figuring out she wasn’t really of any use to them, they quit communicating with her. Sally has been extremely isolated since shortly after being taken. She believes that the survivors are innocent and suffering and knows that they don’t deserve the hunt, but has no way to stop the whole system, and has been convinced by the Entity that if she does a good job and earns moris, the ones she strangles to death get to stay dead instead of coming back after death to suffer endlessly again, so she works very dedicatedly and slowly trying to earn kills to save them. It took her physical eyes when it got her and lets her see through it’s powers, and uses that to randomize what survivors look like in her memory so she doesn’t catch wise it’s the same people over and over and she’s not saving them at all. It’s extremely tragic. God it’s one of the most cruel Entity tricks, which is saying a lot. Poor gentle woman is Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill day after day year after year and she doesn’t even know how hopeless and meaningless it all is. : (

When the Vigo-Philip-Alex-Benedict team was going, though, she met and attacked, then was convinced to instead befriend them, and quickly became very attached and well liked by them. Met Lisa while with the group, and became extremely fond of her and loving towards her and was truly, truly happy for a brief period of time. Still remembers her, even as lost as all her memories are. Not her name, but what she looked like to Sally, and how her hair felt, and how nice it was. Sally would have considered everyone in that group a dear friend, and in ILM, Philip most definitely becomes her deepest, closest, and best friend, just like she does to him. She’s a very faithful woman to her soul. Loved her family, loved her husband and mourned him, worked as hard as she could. Cared for her patients, and did her best in that hell until the Entity slowly whittled away at her sanity until it broke her mind and left her convinced the only way to end their pain would be to give them death, and she had to do it to save them. Sally loves little pretty things and neatness and collections. Flowers, bows and ribbons, china and colored glass. She would have treasured gifts like decorative holiday cards and carved animal figures and left them on her mantle or carefully tucked in lovingly organized and decorated books she could open to revisit the memory. Likes dresses and skirts and the way the wind feels. Hopeful and very enduring. Loving. Had a mom heart, and will never really get entirely over the loss of her children, but is strong and kind and will find new love that makes life still worth living in other people. Will remember both kindness and cruelty a long, long time. Loved Quentin from the second he gave her flowers (Dwight: Quentin, why did the entity let you have three moms? Quentin: Because I fucking earned it >:[��� [author’s note: he did. God that poor kid...]). Loved Kate from the day she sat with her in a hospital and held her hand. Is like that. Remembers small kindness and treasures them.

Sally could definitely recover. Not all the way probably, physically or mentally, but by far enough to be complete and happy and realized and who she wants. She never meant to hurt people, so she really just needs some stability, and I think she finds that with her new family. I mean, it is a lot to adjust to. It’s been like nearly 100 years. The Entiry broke her mind, and she’s got some damage that just probably can’t ever be fixed, but a lot can be, with drugs and treatments and therapy and kindness and a good support system, and honestly, the biggest things she needs are people to keep her memories together and herself present, and influences to protect her from being manipulated and controlled now that she’s so suggestible and easy to hurt, and she’s got that. I am 100% certain that while some things—the scatteredness, the ease of slipping into other moods especially deep sadness, the different way of thinking altogether—never leave her, she gets better in the most important ways and is truly happy and quite functional and what she wants to be. While there’s no way (yet anyway lol. Cybernetics that good when?) to give her new eyes since the Entity ripped hers out, and she’s blind now, and can’t be changed, her seeing eye dog does a great job for her, and she’s very happy and adjusts well. She has a lot of friends to be her eyes, and learns to lean into what she can do and has a quite fulfilling and blissful life outside the realm in ILM.

Also: thanks for the recs! I’m going on a run soon, and I’ll add those to my iPod and give ‘em a listen if I can. Hope this answered what you wanted to know! ^u^

[snowdice]

The Horror of Stereotypes (Part 2)[Dice Roll 6]

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Remus/Logan/Patton with Remus/Logan focus (more pre-romantic considering the situation), Remus & Roman, Logan/Patton (established, but not at the forefront for most of it)

Characters:

Main: Remus, Logan

Appear: Roman, Patton, Deceit (but blink and you’ll miss it)

Summary: There had always been a certain stereotype about people like him for as long as anyone could remember. After the Heart War of 1963, those stereotypes had been legalized and places like this had been created to enforce the universal truth: everyone had a soulmate. One soulmate. No more and no less.

At least they were supposed to.

When Remus’s brother gets arrested because of his two soulmarks, Remus risks everything by infiltrating the facility he legally should be in as well due to his own two soulmates to save him. There he meets Logan and it turns out they have a lot in common: they both got hired this week, they both have two soulmates, and they’re both here for the same reason.

Oh. And as it turns out, they’re each other’s soulmates too.

Universe: Soulmate AU

Genre: Horror (Yeah, it’s a fun combo. The horror vibe is mostly contained to chapter 3 though. It’s all still horrifying, but that specific tone is pretty much only there.)

Notes: Torture, Torture of a main character, Dystopian, Blood, Guns, Gunshot wounds, Leg wounds, Mentions of Desecrating an Animal Corpse by a Main Character, Imprisonment, Mentions of Cannibalism, Genocide Suggested, Sexual Innuendo, Fear, A tasteless but not serious incest joke, Medical procedures.

This is part of my Roll the Dice Event which is where I do random ships, universe, and genres for the Sanders Sides fandom. For more details see this post. I posted a few days ago my results from this dice roll here.

You know when you have that one annoying coworker that can’t take a hint?

Part 1

Remus was careful to keep an extra special eye on one specific coworker all day and did his best to glean as much information about the man that he could from his other coworkers without seeming suspicious. They didn’t really seem to know him too well especially since they hadn’t been working with him for very long.

According to Remus’s office mates, Logan was cold and no fun but at the same time was one of the best engineers the government could find. They’d been chomping at the bit to hire him since before he’d even graduated college last spring, but he’d apparently insisted on applying to many different places even with everything the government had offered him. Silly, everyone Remus talked to seemed to think (sufficient survival instincts, Remus countered in his head), but he’d eventually accepted only two days ago after realizing how much of a lucrative career he could have here. Remus smiled and nodded along all while wondering what had happened to make the man suddenly willing to risk being in this place. He wondered if it was the same reason Remus was.

Also, Logan had apparently already met his soulmate. At least, according to Dennis over by the water cooler. Though Dennis (who was now on Remus’s would-let-you-get-eaten-by-a-zombie list) claimed that nobody could figure out why someone would love that stick in the mud, let him tell ya, but he had a butterfly filled in on his wrist to prove it.

That… probably explained why he’d looked so scared when Remus had touched his hand. He was probably worried that Remus would mention it and out him, either on accident or on purpose. It wasn’t often, but sometimes people would out their own soulmates especially if they themselves ended up not being a “multi.” There was even a movie last summer about a tragic tale of two people who both shared a soulmate making the valiant decision to turn their shared soulmate in. They ended up together in the end and Remus wondered why that was any better than if they’d all just made one big fuck pile, but everyone seemed to think it was a great ending.

Remus and Logan barely talked the entire day. They spoke briefly when Gavin stuck them together to brainstorm, but it was rough and stilted and not at all the conversation they both likely wanted to have. When they weren’t working together, Remus often caught Logan studying him with an unreadable expression. The times he caught Logan watching were the only times his face wasn’t completely blank, but the expressions were always gone before Remus could start to identify them.

They both stayed late, probably with the same thing in mind. Everyone else in the office went home by 5pm until the only people left were Remus, Logan, and, annoyingly, Gavin.

Remus didn’t like Gavin, he’d decided. Not one bit. He was annoying as hell, hung over everyone constantly to listen in to their conversations (which meant he was breathing down Remus and Logan’s necks when everyone else left), and he wouldn’t fucking leave.

Remus pulled out every strategy other than physically forcing the man out of the door to get him to go. He sprouted off the most horrible ideas he could come up with, quoting old horror stories he’d written in high school. That sort of think usually worked on everyone even if Remus wasn’t trying to get them to leave, but it didn’t work on fucking Gavin. He just smiled more and more at Remus’s stories as the evening progressed. He didn’t even flinch when Remus started to talk about blood and guts over the spaghetti they’d ordered in for dinner. Remus winced when he saw Logan subtly throw most of his dinner away, feeling a bit bad, but honestly, Remus himself had trouble eating more than a fourth of his plate and he was the one sprouting off the nonsense.

Gavin, on the other hand, just happily slurped up the noodles and chewed on the garlic bread while Remus talked about how much it looked like human flesh and have you ever tried cannibalism Gavin?

“You’re perfect for this place,” Gavin complimented him in a dreamy sort of way that made Remus’s blood curdle under his skin. “You’ll really be an asset against all of these multis.” He spat the last word like a curse.

“Well, that’s what I’m here for,” Remus said with a lavish smile and a wink.

“That’s what I like to hear,” Gavin purred. If Remus ever managed to take over the world, he’d be the first one with his head on a spike as a warning to all of the other assholes on the planet. “I like your brain buddy. Though, if I’m being completely honest, I think we should just kill them all outright. No offence to your chosen career path of course. I mean, I guess I understand why someone might want to try to get information from them first. You know, make sure we’re culling them all, but it just seems like a waste of time ultimately.”

“I’ll respect your opinion on the matter,” Remus replied cheerfully, absolutely unable to deal with this shit any longer. “Anyway. I think I’m going to go home now. Get a little rest in before coming back for a productive day tomorrow.”

“Oh, of course. I’ll walk you out,” offered Gavin.

…

“Great.” Gavin grabbed his car keys. Remus turned to Logan while he was distracted and mouthed ‘stay here.’ Logan blinked at him once and then turned back to his computer. Remus hoped that was agreement.

“Alright, let’s go,” Gavin said clapping him on the back.

Gavin led him through the facility toward the parking lot and Remus’s eyes caught on the bathroom right before the exit. “Hey, I’ve gotta go to the bathroom. So, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll wait for you,” Gavin offered.

“Ya know, it’s a stinker. So, you go ahead.”

Gavin looked at him with his cold dark eyes for a moment before shrugging. “Yeah sure. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yep!” Remus replied before ducking into the bathroom.

He waited in one of the stalls for around 10 minutes before poking his head back into the hallway. No Gavin. Remus sighed in relief and then went about retracing his steps to the office. This part of the building seemed like a normal office building, but Remus knew what rot it hid underneath its linoleum floors. That knowledge made the sound of his footsteps clanking in the dark vacant space send shivers up and down his back more than it normally would. He wished the monsters his instincts told him frequented these halls weren’t real.

He managed to get back to the office without meeting anyone else probably because it was after 9pm. He swiped his keycard and the doors slid open. Logan had thankfully listened to Remus and had not left. He was still typing on one of the computers in the office and didn’t look up when Remus entered. “Remind me to fucking stab Gavin if I ever get the chance,” Remus requested while walking into the room. “Do the world a favor.”

“You two seemed to be getting rather chummy,” Logan replied blankly.

Remus winced. “Sorry about all of that talk and stuff. I was trying to freak him out, so he’d leave but he just… like it.”

“He did,” Logan replied, and his hands shook just barely on the keyboard.

“And not like in an abstract way either. He actually. He wants to do it,” Remus shook his head and half collapsed on one of the seats near Logan. “He wants to do it and he can do it. What is wrong with these people?”

Logan paused, hands hovering over the keyboard. “I don’t know.” He turned in his chair to finally look at Remus with scrutinizing eyes. They stared at each other for a long moment. “Thank you for not saying anything to them.”

“Well, the mark on my forearm’s the one on my employment papers not the one on my back so I think that would have been bad for both of us.”

His shoulders dropped a bit in relief. “You are like me.” Remus nodded. The mask the other man had worn all day had cracked through their conversation and despite the tension that still pulled at his expression, Remus thought he could see a bit of the person he was behind the façade. His eyes bore into Remus’s and Remus wondered what he saw. “Who are you here for?” Logan finally asked. Not what. He clearly knew the only reason someone like them would willingly walk into these walls.

“My twin brother Roman,” Remus divulged. “He’s… like us too. Who are you here for?”

“My… Patton,” Logan replied.

“He’s your…?” Remus jerked his head at the man’s wrist where the butterfly soulmate mark was. Logan’s opposite hand went to cover the mark as though to hide it from the world. He just nodded. Remus took a breath. He wondered if that meant… Well, it didn’t matter at the moment. “Allies?” Remus offered.

Logan nodded. “Between the two of us maybe we’ll actually stand a chance here.” That is all they said about it that night.

Want to read more? Click below!

AO3 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

[bts-fantasy]

Taehyung in Paris

Genre: Fluff

Imagine Taehyung falling in love with an actress in Paris while he‘s on tour...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taehyung kept his eyes glued to the water that unfolded in front of him like a deep endless void. The yellow lights reflecting in the slight waves and the faint sound of water was reaching his ears like a calming melody. It was quiet around him and he loved it. He stared down at his feet that were dangling from the wall he was sitting on and wondered what would happen if he just slid off his shoes and watched them fall down into the deep water. Probably a bad idea he told himself as he smiled.

If Jin was here he would definitely tell him off for even thinking about throwing his shoes into the water.

A fresh gust of wind almost blew his beret off him but he quickly covered it with his hand to keep it in place. But other than the sound of the wind and waves everything was quiet around him. He could hear some faint noises of people talking in the distance but it wasn‘t loud enough for him to understand. Not that he would be able to even if it was clear enough. The language was foreign to him.

He wished he could understand the people around him. He wished he had enough time to learn the language and maybe he could, he thought as he made a mental note to himself to buy a French dictionary on his way home.

Bonjour, mademoiselle. Tu es très jolie.

He remembered those words like his own name now. A sudden inner warmth rising up inside of his chest and he couldn‘t help but smile again.

His eyes weren‘t focused on the bright yellow lights shining in the water anymore and his mind wasn‘t calmly wandering off to random places.

No.

The dark water in front of him with the shiny lights had turned into beautiful eyes with tiny specks of light looking at him with the utmost admiration.

He had stammered those words out before he could even think about it twice. The words he‘d picked up during his time roaming around the streets of the „City of Lights“. Words he had never imagined he‘d put together to greet a stranger.

A shy little smile and rosy cheeks.

That‘s all it took for Taehyung to fall for her. The girl from the theatre play.

Actually, he had been watching her for the whole evening he‘d been there. She happened to be the lead actress of the play that Namjoon had given him tickets to. From the minute the curtains were drawn he couldn‘t take his eyes off the beautiful stranger playing the main lead in a tragic love story.

Bonsoir, monsieur. Merci beaucoup.

Taehyung could‘ve sworn that it was the most beautiful sound his ears had ever been blessed to hear. Everything about her was intriguing to him. From the way, her lips moved when she talked to her bright red fingernails that matched with her lipstick and jewelry.

Taehyung shook his head with a goofy grin on his lips at the thought of the previous night. At the thought of her.

Namjoon hadn‘t shut up about his behavior for the rest of the night on their way home to their hotel.

You should‘ve seen your face, Taehyung-ah. Head over heels in love with that girl.

Taehyung scoffed amusedly as he thought about how the rest of the boys joined Namjoon as soon as he‘d told them about the recent events.

They‘re all so crazy, he smiled to himself.

He let out a deep sigh as he stared into the distance thinking about everything at once and nothing at all. For the first time in his life, he wasn‘t sure what he wanted. He picked up the camera that he was carrying around his neck and decided to take a photo of the scenery in front of him. But there were so many frames he could grasp and his film didn‘t have enough capacity to capture them all. After a while of trying to choose the perfect frame, he gave up without taking any pictures at all.

Some things are just not meant to be, Hyung.

He recalled his own words which he‘d told Yoongi when he asked him if he was going to meet her again.

Taehyung silently shook his head looking down at his feet again that were still dangling above the deep void underneath him.

Love is never meant to be easy, Taehyungie. But it‘s always worth taking the risk.

Hoseok‘s words still rang through his mind reminding him that his members would always have his back no matter what he‘d decide to do in the end.

It was almost midnight and he was still sitting on the wall in front of the river searching for an answer within himself but he couldn‘t seem to find it. There were only three days left before he‘d have to leave again so what‘s the point in all of this?

He‘d never hated his busy schedules more than he did at that moment and his heart felt heavy at the thought of leaving so soon. He rummaged in the large pocket of his coat to pull out a wrinkled piece of paper that he‘d been carrying with him ever since that night.

I hope to see you again, Taehyung.

Address: xxxxxxxxxxxxx

He cursed himself for thinking that even her handwriting was as beautiful as her. This couldn‘t be real he told himself over and over again only to notice how he kept drifting away to the thoughts about her again and again. It was a lost battle to try to forget her and he knew that very well.

Do what your heart tells you. I know you‘ll do the right thing, Taetae.

He didn‘t know why Jimin trusted him and his intuition so much but it always gave him a feeling of secureness. He closed his eyes and stayed like that for a while thinking that his heart will eventually lead him to the place where he‘d have to go.

After a while of complete silence, he reopened his eyes and looked at the water one last time before standing up to finally head back to the hotel.

His mind was suddenly clear and he knew what he wanted to do. He was sure this time.

The next morning Taehyung didn‘t wait for too long before he got ready to leave the hotel again. It was their day off and everyone agreed to spend some time on their own. Something everyone needed every now and then especially seven grown-ups that are constantly together while touring the world.

He got dressed nicely and walked out into the hallway where he bumped into a very sleepy looking Jungkook. The younger rubbed his eyes tiredly before looking at Taehyung with a surprised look.

„Hyung, where are you going?“

He eyed Taehyung‘s nice outfit up and down with a confused look as Taehyung just smiled nervously and his cheeks turned to a crimson color.

„I have something to do...“

Taehyung hoped for it to not be so obvious but Jungkook wasn‘t dumb. He caught onto the situation quickly as a smirk appeared on his face and he gave Taehyung a strong pat on his shoulder that made him wince in pain.

„Good luck, Romeo“, he smiled at Taehyung encouragingly.

Outside of the building he quickly got into a taxi and drove to the address written on the piece of paper hoping internally that she‘d be there today. After a few minutes, he walked into a small theatre looking around if anyone was in there. But he couldn‘t see anyone except for the lady at the entrance smiling at him. He walked further into the hall past the many rows of seats covered in red velvet his fingers mindlessly sliding across the soft fabric and his big eyes roaming around so innocently on the lookout for her.

A faint voice in the distance brought him back and sent shivers down his spine. He would recognize that voice even in a crowd filled with thousands of people. He followed the voice behind the drawn curtain on the stage his footsteps echoing through the empty room. He took a deep breath before moving the heavy curtains to the side and stepping forward further into the stage where the voice was calling for him.

This was what he wanted. This was what his heart had told him and there was no turning back now.

A/N: I wrote this last night instead of going to sleep because I felt inspired for some reason. I hope you like this as much as I do.🥰

Masterlist

[lokisasylum]

Why are Kpop Predictions so... negative?

I'm not one to humor people who do Kpop Predictions (and for free? really? ya'll out here "spilling info/tea" about celebrities for FREE? IN THIS ECONOMY?). I just find them laughable/amusing because of how inaccurate they are 95% of the times, while toying with the fandoms' emotions. Creating unnecessary drama and stress about things that anyone with a common sense and logic could've predicted all on their own. But to give you guys an idea, here are a few by category:

#1. Twitter based Kpop Predictions

I’ve always had this MAJOR feeling that the great majority of them are run by THE SAME person on different accounts (kinda like how on Tumblr we're allowed to "manage" different blogs for whatever we may need 'em). Cause if you pay close attention they ALL share the same pattern:

SAME moon/crystal ball Icons

SAME way of "predicting" events ( *coughCOPY/PASTEcoughcough* )

They ALL go on hiatus at the SAME TIME and when they finally return they give the SAME excuse that they were depressed, drained of energy, mental blockage/migraine from predicting so much.

They throw shade at other prediction accounts and accuse them of "copying" them since they're "the original one."

They throw random predictions per day that never come true and when they don't and get called out its always the same excuse of "you choose what you want to believe" or "I never said it was gonna happen NOW, it could still happen in the future." (even after saying they would during the current year lol).

The great majority of these accounts are BIASED AF and mostly run by delulu shippers who tease the followers with incomplete information to keep ‘em interested.

🐍 Note: The one thing that I heavily dislike about these is that it's been proven in previous years that these accounts either work with or buy information from Sasaengs or insiders within the companies. Which is a big NO-NO in the Kpop community since Sasaengs are disgustingly invasive and have zero disregard for the Idol’s personal life and safety.

#2. Youtube Kpop Predictions/Tarot Card Readers, or as I like to call them: the "super-tragic-always-negative-BTS-are-gonna-disband-this-year-or-the-next-under-super-tragic-circumstances" accounts.

These youtubers  are known for spending and wasting 15-20 minutes of their videos (and viewers lives) doing self-promos and showing off the different card decks that they've just recently bought (as if the predictions change based on whether or not you're using a Classic Arcana or a Sailor Moon/Pokemon/YuGiOh with limited edition EXODIA & Shadow Realm included deck) And as mentioned above, ALL of them give super tragic/negative predictions, especially when it comes to BTS. Like I remember at the start of this year, there were around 10 (or more) of them saying that BTS would either disband in mid or near the end of 2019. 5 of them stated (in COPY/PASTE fashion) that 2 members would either abandon the group to pursue solo careers, or that 1 would leave and the other would be kicked out for either health issues or this super huge controversial scandal that would ruin BTS' or the member's image and something about "diva behavior" or that the same member was a huge bully towards the others (and annoyingly enough, all of them kept pointing to both Jin and Jimin for some strange reason). But as we've seen, 2019 came and practically went and BTS are still together, still thriving. Maybe one or two "dating rumors" here and there during their "time off" that died in a span of 1 month or so and everyone went on with their lives because it was found to be the product of antis wanting to start shit because everybody wants a BTS scandal (and of course, close to AWARD SEASON *LE GASP*).   So now those same "psychics" are correcting themselves and making up excuses that "they didn't have all the info" or "misunderstood it when they first got it". 🐍🐍 Note: I found it both hilarious and ignorant how the great majority of them are using the "members will start to leave one by one" as a sign of the group disbanding, when we know that starting next year they'll start enlisting in the military which is MANDATORY FOR ALL MEN IN KOREA. Meaning that all Male Korean Idols go through this process and DOES NOT necessarily mean imminent disbandment.

🐍🐍🐍 Extra: Oh yeah, can't forget that one account who said that all Kpop groups are part of the illuminati and they’re using some MK-Ultra shit on the fans through their music which is why fans all over the world now like Kpop and made it famous. Can't forget about those or someone will fight me. (The person deleted their channel too)

#3. Tumblr Kpop Predictions

*SIGH* .... where to start with this one....?

The group in this category is a strange hybrid between Twitter, Youtube and Wattpad/AO3. 'Cause i swear that some of the stuff I've read in a few of these account posts. while browsing for BTS. look like they were taken straight out of a super Angsty, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Soulmate AU, 30 chapters summarized into a oneshot fic. So you'll be either heavily disturbed or highly entertained at how creative the person is with their "reading". Like there was this one person who alleged that Jimin had been a woman in like 3 of his past lives, but was always involved in very abusive relationships (in 1 of said lives his/her father had r*ped him/her and Jimin gave birth to a daughter and  when the daughter grew up they both fell in love with the same man. And the daughter ends up killing Jimin to keep the man for herself LOL what kind of twisted A/B/O shit is this?!) and apparently its...affecting him in the present with how he treats others? And like... the only way for him to "break the cycle" is by "making peace" with his past selves? Or else he'll keep repeating it?

(y'know...like The Avatar).

This same person also said that the Maknae Line have a beef with the Hyung Line. And that Jimin was gonna kill himself this year or when BTS disbands next year, cause without the group he was useless/talent-less and it didnt matter if he did solo projects cause they wouldn't be as famous as the other members, plus his supposed "girlfriend" would leave him at the same time which is why he'll kill himself. Like....BITCH, WHICH IS IT? Do you want him to make peace with himself and live a long healthy life or do you want him dead?? MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Or better yet, just say you're a Jimin anti and go (cause she didnt have any probs with the other members, always targeted Jimin). Although there ARE exceptions, like another user who told this past-lives reading on how they all used to be 1 person who died and their soul got divided into 7, and the 7 of them always managed to find one another on each and every one of the lives they've lived through (like the HEARTBEAT mv). That one was nice.

In Conclusion....

I just feel bad because of how ignorant and gullible the Kpop fandom in general has become in the past years (Especially the newer fans who don’t understand how Korean culture works, much less the Korean Entertainment Industry). To the point of giving these people clout when in reality they’re just taking advantage of them because they know how thirsty and obsessed some fans can get in their need to know MORE about the artists/group they stan.  

[pyropsychiccollector]

Yep. I threw up another tier, this time for Danganronpa 2: Goodbye Despair. Once again, I'll go through each character and explain my rationale. This one was a little tougher for some characters; like, overall, Dangan 2 did a better job of fleshing out characters. As a result, it was harder for me to rank some characters higher than others, but I somehow managed to do so after some thought.

.... But for some characters, it was seriously a no-brainer where they went. XD

F rank - Komaeda..... Now, I know what some of you are thinking, last time I put Hagakure in this dead-last rank because he was useless, so that's probably true for Komaeda, right? ..... No. Fuck no. XD This little shit is F rank for much bigger problems than uselessness. Let's start with the obvious: He's the "Togami" of the group. He fucks up the trials, but not just for amusement like Togami did - this guy did it for the sake of pitting "Hope against Hope", and you just knew he was always up to something.... If it wasn't for him, Hanamura wouldn't have been pressured into murdering, at least not so soon. They tied him up in the second chapter, which was good, but then he still managed to throw a wrench into things by encouraging Koizumi to go and play the video game that was the motive for the chapter... This didn't directly lead into the incident necessarily, but Koizumi had already received that ominous letter from Peko and Kuzuryu, telling her to play the game and how to get the true ending; Komaeda spurring her further on DIDN'T help. He redeemed himself a little by figuring out Mikan was lying in trial 3, but then he took 5000 steps backward in chapter 4 by first throwing suspicion onto Hajime in regards to the identity of the traitor, and THEN he cleared the Final Dead Room and treated everyone - EVERYONE - like shit..... But especially Hajime, who had only thought he'd lost his memory of his talent. Hajime, who had been helping solve all the trials and prove that he could stand alongside Ultimates.... It's fine and all that Komaeda was the first one to discover they were all Ultimate Despair, and therefore hated they'd turned out like that, but he had absolutely no high ground to stand on when talking shit to everyone; he himself was Ultimate Despair as well. And the cherry on top.... was how he got Chiaki to murder him in chapter 5. Through sheer luck, and the intention of killing off Ultimate Despair when they had no clue as to the extent of their loss of memories. Some sympathize with the fact he may have some life-threatening illness, and he really had the best of intentions, and was just "misunderstood".... But no, not me. Fuck that.

F is for "Fuck You, Komaeda". lol

Anyway, moving onto E rank....  Akane is kind of like the "Hagakure" of the group, only her physical talent as a gymnast puts her leagues ahead of Hagakure in usefulness. Akane's simply E rank because she's one of the reasons the trials drag on so much, makes few worthwhile contributions, and just isn't all that deep of a character.... I'll never get over how "random" her free time events seemed.... Like, she's a fun girl, I suppose; perverted in her own naïve way. There's just not much substance for me to dig into, for her character.

Saionji's kinda similar in that regard.... Though I'll admit she does have a backstory. She's mostly in E rank because she's, as Nicob would put it, "such a bitch to everybody". Her bond with Mahiru is probably her one saving grace, and the only reason she's not F rank like Komaeda, in my books. Well, that, and she kind of warms up to Hajime in her free time events.... kinda.

... If you squint.

.... But she's still a bitch to everybody that isn't Mahiru. XD

D rank.... Teruteru was honestly placed here because I like him better than Komaeda, Akane, and Saionji, but I don't like him as much as Ibuki. I mean, he's perverted as hell, and he kinda spreads himself thin when it comes to "covering his bases" with his libido, but he's still useful as a cook. Plus, his backstory with his mother who's ill is pretty sad, not to mention how it's implied he killed her when he became Ultimate Despair. Teruteru's just one of those unfortunate characters who's somewhat fleshed out, but I'm not crazy about him; he's just somewhere in the middle. ..... which may be how he likes it....

C rank.... I like Ibuki - she's fun, kooky, crazy.... Her skill in music and her sharp ears are neat, plus she just wants to get along with everyone. .... Except call Teruteru out on his antics, and maybe back away from Komaeda and his craziness. lol Still, despite all the good qualities, Ibuki's just not fleshed out enough as a character for my tastes.... She's fun, and it's sad she got murdered. But there wasn't much of a backstory to tell, and she didn't go through a huge development arc.

.... She did not want to leave her honeymoon with Hajime in island mode, though. And that was just cute. XD

B rank.... Nidai's pretty similar to Ibuki in being a fun character, but I kinda like his attitude of trying to be the class's manager - 'cause it shows he cares for everyone. He doesn't go through a huge development arc either, but it was pretty interesting seeing him adjust to being a robot and then his presumed confrontation with Tanaka in chapter 4.... I would've liked to have known more about that possible confrontation; one of my theories is that a bit of his "Ultimate Despair" self was leaking out in that clash, but probably not enough to turn out like how Mikan was, when she got the Remembering Disease. The desperation/hunger just got to him. That's my theory, anyway.

You might find it surprising Souda is this high up, considering how, like Akane, he holds up the class trials with ridiculous theories and suspicions on certain culprits. But, Souda is the Ultimate Mechanic, and it's just fun seeing his love for his craft. His obsession with Sonia is a bit grating like how Fukawa's obsession with Togami was, but, in some cases I couldn't help feeling bad with how cold/dismissive Sonia was towards him. Like, she didn't have to return his affections by any means.... And he is kind of a suck-up to her. But still, he is nothing but nice to her, and continues to believe in her (if not somewhat blindly) throughout the trials. It'd just be nice to see her reciprocate his friendship, at least. I kinda liked how it gave them a small cameo scene or two of that in Dangan 3 Hope Arc.... Again, that's me.

A rank... Hajime's a pretty good protagonist, and I think he had some nice development arcs throughout the series. He's a bit of a pessimist, in contrast to Naegi's optimism, but he's still one of the nicest guys you could meet. Probably the major thing that drags him down to A rank is simply how overly "average" he is.... like, it's to be expected - he was a Reserve Course student, and therefore had no Ultimate Talent or quirk to fall back on. But still, I'll admit the repetitive ordinariness was a bit grating.... The only real "backstory" he has is his downfall into the Kamakura Project, and even then, he kinda became a different person because of everything but talent being excised from him.

I'll admit - I like Kamakura more than Hajime himself, but I'm not really sure where I'd put Kamakura, either in S or SS rank..... A lot don't seem to care for how OP he is, but I kinda liked how Dangan 3 anime showed off his reflexes. Not to mention it showed he was a neutral party in the war of Despair vs Hope. Again, that's me.

Peko's a neat character with a badass talent. Her backstory is a little tragic and it doesn't grate too much.... She could be cute with furry animals, too (or at least hinted as such). I liked her bond with Kuzuryu, even if she mostly saw herself as just a tool. On the flip side, that mindset of being a tool is why she was dropped to A rank.... I know the Kuzuryu clan drilled that into her head, but she did try and screw everyone over in the second trial because of it. It also made her character suffer a little because she didn't have anything really outside of her loyalty to Kuzuryu and the clan (which makes sense; just makes her character suffer a little bit in having little to no quirks, hobbies, or whatever).

S rank.... I liked the Imposter. I really did. He can impersonate anyone, and make you think the person just put on a few pounds. I liked how fast they made him in the anime, and I just liked his friendship/loyalty to Mitarai and everybody. I felt like the Imposter was a pretty great character, and they introduced him in a way that made you wonder what was going on with "Togami". I liked how you knew next to nothing about the man under the masks (only saw his face/hair in the anime) - though similar to Peko, it was a bit of a double-edged sword in having no huge backstory to fall back on. But unlike Peko, he kinda made the lack of backstory work, because it was part of his charm and talent. And that's why he's above Peko, in my books; he takes a weakness and works with it. I think that's great writing.

Tanaka is so over-the-top.... XD He's a fun character, like Ibuki and Nidai, but unlike those two he has this depth to him that makes me wanna observe him more. He's a smart and shrewd man, and though he tried to screw everyone over in chapter 4, you can argue that part of his reasons for doing it was because he was trying to save them from starvation by sacrificing himself - and doing it in a way that didn't betray his own values, never giving up on life. Again, I think that's just great character writing; Tanaka's just awesome. His hamsters are cute, too. XD

And then you have Sonia.... I guess you could argue Sonia's like a Barbie doll princess, but it's kinda nice to see her gung-ho about a lot of things - even using slang in a cute way. She's curious about a lot of things, too, and she cries and gets mad over things when they happen. I dunno, Sonia's kinda hard to put into words in terms of why I like her so much as a character, though I suppose her kinda-innocent-perverted nature also plays a role in why I like her character... XD "What do you call that activity when two people snuggle naked under bedcovers in a lodge that's snowed in?" Similar to Celes, you don't see too many girls asking questions like that..... And Sonia literally has no real perverted intentions, she just "knows" things. XD

.... And she might also not be a virgin. *wink wink nudge nudge* (I read a fan's explanation on that line, so don't correct me, I know) XD

SS rank.... Kuzuryu reached this rank the moment Derek Stephen Prince voiced him, really. I mean, there's lots of other reasons I like Kuzuryu, but his voice actor is definitely one of the reasons I like him so much. I mean, he's a yakuza, so you know he's gonna be a tough guy of the group, but Kuzuryu really does have this part of a character that wants to rebel against his yakuza upbringing. Like, for example, his insistence on following the law with driver's licenses, or how he drops the "I'm gonna kill everyone so I can escape" routine as of chapter 3. Kuzuryu just really comes of age, he really honors Peko's sacrifice, and he's just so friggin' loyal to everybody, I love it.... Fantastic character~

Mahiru is a bit of a dark horse because from the moment you meet her in-game, and throughout much of your interactions with her, you think that you won't really feel sympathetic towards her. But under that bossy, somewhat sexist exterior, you find what's basically the "mom" of Class 77. Mahiru wants to watch out for everybody, wants to help them be the best they can be. And her free time events with Hajime are adorabu. Really. XD She kinda clicks with Hajime because of how ordinary they both are, but she'd also just help keep him in line. And in return, he'd encourage her when she gets disheartened; just seems like a healthy relationship right there, to me.

And Mikan.... ughhhhh..... A cinnabun of the group, she really is. She does turn out to be crazy as an Ultimate Despair, but that's not really her fault, that's the brainwashing's fault. Mikan's just a sweet, loveable girl. A sweet, loveable girl that's been bullied much of her life, and thus knows how to take care of others.... Her lack of self-care when it comes to pleasing others is a bit off-putting, but Hajime helps her get over those unhealthy tendencies. I know Dangan main protagonists kind of have this tendency for potential harems, but Hajime, Mikan, Mahiru, and Chiaki..... C'mooon~ You wanna see it happen. (well, maybe not, depending on what characters you like). XD

Finally, SSS rank..... Chiaki's just best person ever, 'nough said. lol I know a lot of people may think of her as a Mary Sue, and not like her for being so nice and loved by everyone, but Chiaki's what we should all strive to be, alright? Not the "loved by everybody" part, but the "being nice to everyone" part. lol Some people you just can't be nice to, and that's fine; we all have our limits. Well. Except Chiaki. Chiaki will be your friend even if you treat everyone like shit. She'll try and stop you from doing so, and help you be a better person, but that's just all the more reason to like her - she doesn't hold ill will for anyone..... Well, almost anyone. I suppose that's why I liked Dangan 3 anime, too - because the human Chiaki does hold resentment towards Junko, who trapped her in a dungeon and threatened to brainwash her friends.... It just shows that she DOES have a limit to kindness, despite seeming to have no end of it as a computer program. I mean, you wouldn't be kind toward someone that threatens your own friends, right?

..... Chiaki's just best waifu in Dangan 2. It's why she's the only one at the top. XD

[oliverwxod]

Bodyguard (part 5) - Bucky Barnes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: mention of death, swearing, smut

Summary: Tony Stark is a very rich man and with that came a lot of enemies. After a tragic event Tony decides himself and the people most important to him, especially his daughter, are in danger. He hires personal body guards. Bucky Barnes is assigned to Y/n Stark, the most troublesome, reckless Stark that there is.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8

Masterlist

 Y/n was about to give the media a field day. 

 James had finished searching her rooms before bidding her a good night. So she decided tonight she was going to sneak out of the building without being followed, taking the elevator to the ground floor and making her way out of the tower undetected.

 Only a couple security guards saw her but none of them questioned it.

 She took a taxi to the nearest club, walking straight through the doors without showing her ID. The club security knew who she was.

 Immediately Y/n made her way to the bar ordering shots after shots, some how hoarding over a couple of random strangers who would be her friends for the night. Drinking, laughing and dancing with them.

 She needed to forget the day’s events. She downed a shot.

 "It was a mistake". She downed another.

 “It shouldn’t have happened”. She was handed another. 

 " a waste of my time" .her fathers words entering her mind this time. 

 She closed her eyes, throwing back a last shot of vodka. 

 "My wife" . Y/n’s eyes snapped open at the memory. 

 "Let’s dance" she spoke grabbing the hands of the two strangers and pulling them over to the crowded dance floor.

 One of the strangers grabbed her by the waist pulling her flush against him as they danced, grinding into her backside. She didn’t care, falling into his touch, her hands in the air as she let herself go. All her feelings leaving her body as she lost herself in the feel of the strangers body against hers

. She knew there would be hell to pay tomorrow once pictures of her tonight were plastered over the media. But still, y/n couldn’t find it in her to care. The stranger had moved her hair to the side of her neck, stroking the bare skin with his hand as he started to place hot wet kisses there. 

She closed her eyes focusing on the touch. The feeling of being wanted crawling up and settling into her bones. She didn’t care that it was only temporary.

 "My wife".

Those two words kept repeating in her mind. Hearing James say those words cut through her everytime she replayed them. 

 "You want to get out of here" the stranger spoke into her ear.

———————————————————————– —————-

 In the tower James had changed out of his suit. Now dressed in grey sweats and a tee, sitting on his sofa swigging at a bottle of beer. He had spent a while just sitting there with his head in his hands before there was a knock at his door that made him jump. 

He stood up making his way to the door slowly. Who would be knocking at his door this late? He opened it cautiously to reveal two people he certainly wasn’t expecting. 

 "Mr Stark" James greeted. “what can I do for you?”.

 "It seems that Y/n must have tricked you into thinking she was asleep" he spoke. James met Steve’s sleepy gaze. He must have been woken by Tony for help on this situation.

 "Tricked me?“ James spoke confused.

 "She’s gone out, I was alerted by one of the front door security guards” Tony spoke.

 "I will find her right away sir" James spoke hurriedly grabbing a zip hoodie to throw on. 

 "Thank you" he spoke patting his back as he passed. “Steve, do you mind going with him please buddy” Tony said. “I just know Y/n can be a handful” he finished saying, almost tiredly.

——————————————————————- ————————–

Bucky scrolled through his phone with determinism. Clicking on the Twitter app. He knew that if y/n went out it would be all over Twitter people sharing her location so they could come and have the chance to see her.

 Bucky typed her name in and in seconds he found pictures of her drinking in a small club. He knew the club having been there before while watching her. He told the driver the club name and within 10 minutes the two bodyguards were outside flashing their ID badges to the bouncers.

 They both looked out of place in their sweats and hoodies. But neither of them were bothered.

 It wasn’t hard to find Y/n. She was always the one with a big crowd surrounding her. James eyes locked on to her figure as he pushed his way through. Some people seemed to recognize him, moving out of his way as Steve followed.

 She had her eyes closed. A guy pressed against her back whispering words into her ear.

James reached out to take hold of her wrist, the glare he sent the stranger causing him to back off. He tugged her forwards away from him and his greedy eyes. 

Y/n’s eyes shot open at the change of grip and movement . Coming face to face with James. She was slightly confused and very drunk. But in that moment she didn’t care. All she knew was that he looked very good in grey sweats.

 "James? What are you doing here?“ She laughed slightly. Hiccuping. 

 "Come to take you home” he spoke. 

 "But I’m having fun. Don’t wanna" she whined. 

 "Y/n come on.“ He warned tugging her forwards. 

 "You called me Y/n” she spoke smiling. “dance with me James” she said trying to drag him towards her.

 "Let’s get you home" he spoke.

“Nooo, leave me here. You go. You go home to your wife” she spoke pouting slightly.

 "Y/n" he spoke his tone threatening. Without another word Steve had walked forwards, lifting her small body over his shoulders and walking out with her. 

James followed wanting to laugh at the sight but he held it back. Steve opened the door to the car for her helping her slide in. He moved to sit in the front seat of the car, exchanging words with the driver as James sat next to her. 

 It was dead silent apart from the chattering of y/n’s teeth.

James didn’t think, taking his hoodie off and passing it to her. She mumbled a thank you before pulling it on, humming content at the warmth and the smell of him that lingered on it.

————————————————————————-

Y/n was woken by the sounds of people talking in her living room area of her floor. She couldn’t remember how she got into bed, but what confused her more was the red zip hoodie she was wearing. It smelt like James so she assumed he must have given it too her last night in the car. 

She sat up in bed slowly, her head pounding, but she tired to strain her ears to hear the voices.

“She’s too irresponsible” that was definitely her fathers voice “the media are fucking eating this up”.She could tell he was angry.

 Part of her wanted to pretend to go back to sleep but she knew the longer she waited the worse it would be. Even if she was an adult Tony still made her feel like a troublesome child.

 She didn’t bother changing, making her way through to the living area. 

“What’s all the commotion?” She asked acting casually, flicking the switch on the coffee maker. 

Tony, Bruce, Pepper and James were all standing. Y/n assumed their body guards were out side the door. She made quick eye contact with James before looking away.

“What the hell was last nights little stunt?” Tony glared at her, demanding an explanation.

 She shrugged.

“just wanted some fun”.

“And this guy? Who the hell is he?” Tony asked pointing to the front of a magazine where it showed a grainy picture of her dancing wildly with a stranger. Y/n looked at the picture giving a small giggle before shrugging. 

“No idea”.

“He could have been any one” Tony shouted “you don’t realise how serious this is so you?”.

She stared at him, Pepper touching Tony’s arm in a way to tell him to stop before he went too far. But he shook it off. 

“Anyone would think that your brothers death would tell you how serious it was, but no. You go out and do things like this!” He said gesturing to the magazines. It was a very low blow bringing her brother into this.

“Just say it” she spoke glaring at him, a challenging look in her eyes, daring him. Tony was taken aback. “Go on” she spat. “Just say what we’re all thinking?”   

Tony was silent, confused. He could see her getting herself worked up. She laughed bitterly. 

“You wish it was me. You wish it was me that was shot, you wish that Jackson was in front of you right now” she cried. 

Tony was silent in shock at her words. Y/n laughed. Of course he did, she thought. 

“Y/n hunny-” Pepper spoke but she didn’t stick around to listen.

 She left, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, not wanting to wait. James followed her, running down the stairs to catch up with her before he lost sight. She was a fast runner and was running out of breath, until he caught sight of her. 

“Y/n” he called down to her. She stopped, letting him reach her. 

“I need to get out for a bit.” She stated. “Some where busy where I don’t have to think”.

James knew that if it was night time she would be referring to a night club. But it was day time.

“Don’t you want to get changed?” He asked referring to her dress she was wearing from the previous night, a pair of sliders and his red zip hoodie. 

She shook her head not caring. Her eyes pleading him to get her out of the building. The fact that she was putting her trust in him made him make a snap decision that he would help her out.

 "I know just the place" he spoke.

————————————————————————————- —–

She was pleasantly surprised. He drove her to a train station, at first she was confused, but once they sat down in a coffee shop she understood. The place was heaving with people. All kinds of people, she could see the train platform, laughing quietly as she watched some people running to catch their trains.

 It was the perfect distraction. Sitting there people watching. Her mind running away, lost in thoughts of different people she could see. 

There was a young man with large framed glasses on a few seats away from them, typing on his Mac book while sipping from a coffee cup. She wondered what he was typing, was he a university student? Did he run a blog?

 Her eyes moved over the tables of people, watching through the coffee shop window as a couple holding hands made their way towards the train platform, large rucksacks on their backs. We’re they traveling? Going to visit family? 

What caught her eye next was a family. A young girl had just boarded off a train, running to her family who were there waiting to greet her. Y/n watched as each family member embraced the girl in a tight hug. The mother, then the father than the brother. A perfect little family. It was a wonderful sight, something that she had always craved. She looked away feeling emotional all of a sudden.

She hadn’t realized but James had been watching her closely. Seeing how she looked at everyone with such wonder and interest. He knew it would be the perfect place to bring her so she could get lost in her head with distractions. He knew because he always used to do the same thing. In this exact same train station. 

“Feeling better?” He asked. She nodded smiling softly at him.

 "Thank you" she said quietly, he almost didn’t hear. 

She wanted to talk to him properly. Wanted to get to know him, know more about him. But he was so reserved and Y/n was in too much of a fragile state to ask, she didn’t think she could take anymore rejection from anyone else. At least not form James. Not when he had already rejected her after sharing such an intimate night with him.

 It made sense now though. Maybe there was a part of her that thought he did want her. But he was being held back by the fact he was married. He had a wife.

 James was the one who surprised her. Bringing it up himself. 

“Y/n.” He spoke softly. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. A shy almost worried look on her face.

 "Yeah?“.

 "I’m really sorry.” He spoke, Y/n studied his face and for one of the first times she could see actually genuine emotion. She nodded knowing what he was referring to.

“It wasn’t right of me to do what I did, especially without you knowing I was married.”

 She looked away from him, her eyes roaming in on a woman sitting on a bench outside, one of those gossip magazines in her hand. Y/n could see a picture of herself on the cover. She turned her attention back to James. 

“I’m not easy.” She spoke. She wanted him to know that she didn’t go around sleeping with people. She wasn’t stupid, that was the most dangerous thing she could do, plus she wasn’t like that. 

When it came to sex she took it seriously, it always meant something to her. The media had made her out to be a young lady who liked to sleep around, but the truth was she had only ever slept with a select few people who she had trusted. Y/n didn’t want James to think lowly of her. 

“I know it’s hard to believe, with the stories the media tell, but I don’t sleep around. I’m not like that” she said, feeling the need to justify herself. 

That night with James, she didn’t know what came over her. Except the fact that he was a god of a man, handsome without trying, mysterious and even though he was paid to look out for her, she felt like he cared. He was the only one who tried to understand and that’s why she found it easy to trust him immediately. Trust him to see her how not many people had before.

 "I don’t believe the media.“ He spoke disregarding it.“I don’t care for it”. It was silent for a couple minutes as she stared at him, slightly in disbelief. Where did this guy come from?

 "You really are something else James” she said laughing quietly to herself, she looked away at the busy station a small smile on her face.

Thank you for the support like always!!! big love to you all!!xxx let me know what you think! and if you want to be tagged please message me in my inbox because it’s easier to keep track, alsoooo I’m nearly at my next thousand followers eeeepppp! :) xxx

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[marypoppinswasmyfatherbitches]

I found the way Gamora acted in Infinity War really sad. I mean,in the Guardians movies,girl was "An evil planet guy that can warp reality is messing with my friends, I can handle it". But when it comes to Thanos,Gamora is terrified of him to the point of asking Peter to euthanize her. We heard of the awful things he did to her. Besides,I find really interesting that Gamora threatened Mantis with a broken jaw(that hurts),and felt the need to defend her from nonsense Drax said to her.

Wow, these are all really interesting points, parallels, and questions. I apologize that it’s taken me over a week to respond. Winter tends to put me in funk, plus I wanted to take time to really think about the wording of my answer. I do really appreciate any kind messages, especially so unique and respectful. I’ll try to answer both best as possible.

Of course I technically agree that Gamora’s scenes, narrative, lines, and mindset in Infinity War were incredibly sad. “Sad” as in tragic and heartbreaking. But if you mean, the way I think you’re implying, “sad” as in “regressive” or “cowardly” or “out-of-character” (meaning, “It’s so sad how the writers changed and ruined such a good character), I don’t see it that way at all. I think her plan, her actions, and what she sadly made Peter promise were perfectly fitting. It may not seem like it on the surface at first, but it was unbelievably brave and made sense given the circumstances.

In comparing the events to how Gamora reacted to Ego in Volume 2, I understand what you meant, since it’s true that Thanos and Ego are extremely similar in their cruelty, manipulation, using people as tools, disregard for life, twisted versions of love, and overall genocidal nature. ;) But the villains’ goals, and the plots of the films, are still very different, and the situations the Guardians, especially Gamora, are placed in are very different.

For starters, Gamora (and Peter and Nebula and all the others, except for Mantis) had just met Ego. Gamora didn’t fully know or understand what he was capable of, or the extent of his power. Her first thought after finding the skeletons, after learning Ego’s true intentions from Mantis, and realizing Peter was in serious danger, was probably an instant adrenaline rush to save her best friend and do whatever else they could to stop this evil celestial guy. She’s a good and moral person, and at the time was a newly-adjusting hero. There was no time to think or plan, just act. There was literally no reason in that situation for Gamora to ask someone to kill her. Ego wasn’t after her personally, she had no secrets for him to extract from her, and she wasn’t a lifelong expert on his methods and personality, hadn’t been fearing for years him coming back for her. The situation was much different with Thanos, where Gamora knows him inside and out. She knows his game, knows his goals, and knows just how goddamn powerful he is. One conversation with Mantis about Ego isn’t equivalent to a lifetime with Thanos. Ego was a sudden new baddie they had to take down right now (not only because he was torturing Peter, who she loved, but also because, by using Peter as a battery, the expansion and destruction was already taking place without a moment to spare).

And before going back to Thanos, I want to throw in there real quick that even if Gamora did understand more about Ego and had known about him for years, I think her first instinct still would’ve been “take him down, fuck him up” because again, he had Peter. There’s an insane adrenaline high you get when someone you love is in trouble. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t afraid, or knew for certain she could handle it, facing a fucking god. Of course she was scared. It’s natural. But she did it anyway, because getting their friend back was all that mattered. “Leave no one behind. Give me my insufferable, vain, sweet and dorky douche leader and friend BACK, you creep!” She’s extremely protective of our Star-Lord. ;)

But back to the events in Infinity War, I don’t think Gamora reacted that differently. When Thor told them Thanos was headed to Knowhere, Gamora didn’t refuse to help because “I/we can’t handle it.” She didn’t huddle in a corner of her bedroom. She didn’t try to fly the spaceship as far away as possible. She had an extremely similar “Let’s do it!” attitude as she did with Ego, if not a touch more afraid and less confident, for the factors I already mentioned - she knows this monster extremely well, and had probably feared for 4 years him coming for her, for Nebula, for Peter, for her friends and new family. It’s a fear that’s plagued her nightmares for a large chunk of time, and now it could become a reality. And yet she STILL said, “We need to stop Thanos!” not “Count me out.” She knew what they had to do, and wasted no time. Unlike on Ego, they weren’t already on the planet, and they had some traveling to do to get to Knowhere, and that gave her time to think and plan and make Peter swear to do something dreadful if things went badly. IF. Not definitely. IF Thanos captured her. She never said, “If we see Thanos, kill me.” or “Before we get to Knowhere, kill me.” or “I’d rather you kill me than do this mission.” No. It was “If Thanos gets me, kill me.” She didn’t want to die, didn’t say or believe her capture would undoubtedly happen. She just knew it was a possibility. Once they got to Knowhere, she went against Peter’s plans to go right so that she could fight Thanos hands-on, stabbed and tried to kill him herself. She was just as badass and brave as in Volume 1 and Volume 2, against Ronan and Ego.

The only difference you point out is that she asked Peter to kill her, and yes, that was huge and upsetting and awful, but that was only if captured, and again, it wasn’t a cowardly move whatsoever, but an extraordinarily brave and selfless and in-character move. Not only did Gamora refuse to be Thanos’ tool any longer, but she knew that he would be able to get the location of the Soul Stone out of her. She didn’t know that he had Nebula, that he would torture her sister to get the information, but she knew he could get it out of her somehow. Thanos and Gamora both know each other psychologically, so what she made Peter swear, despite breaking her heart (and the audience’s hearts), was one of the smartest, bravest, most tactful plans. It wasn’t her fear overtaking her. I feel like that’s the interpretation of a movie viewer who doesn’t understand what she’s been through or who she is. Honestly, that decision was Gamora looking at the situation logically, a situation she likely never stopped imagining since her escape, and resigning, if captured. It wasn’t because she was scared, it was because she saw it as the only solution to stop him from getting all 6 stones. She was trying to save the universe. To save all those random, innocent lives. So I think it worked.

But ya. Very sad. I still tear up, both watching it, and at all the unspoken implications. :(

Okay, tackling your point about how Gamora treated Mantis in Volume 2 seeming contradictory in different scenes, which shouldn’t take nearly as much time. :P And since you continued it a little bit in your second message, I’ll copy/paste that here so others (and yourself) know what’s what.

Continuing. Okay,Mantis had a scary power activated by touch,but one wouldn’t want to defend someone they threatened with maiming (?) from nonsense like “ugly”. Or maybe I’m missing something. Anyway,I love this blog. 💓💖

Again, interesting point, but I don’t see these two things as contradictory either. Yes, Gamora threatening Mantis with a broken jaw if she read her emotions by touching her was harsh and unnecessary, but…1) It’s possible Gamora was exaggerating and wouldn’t have literally hurt Mantis, and2) Even if Gamora was dead serious, and would have reacted violently if her privacy was invaded that way, literally breaking Mantis’ jaw or arm, Gamora had just met Mantis and didn’t instantly trust her, and3) Gamora is (even moreso back in the beginning of Volume 2) an extremely closed-off and private person, with very complicated emotions, and has been constantly training herself to hide and guide those emotions practically her entire life. To Peter, Mantis reading his emotions was odd and awkward and embarrassing. To Gamora, it was more than scary, it was fucking terrifying. No one is allowed inside her head. It seemed at the time, the only person she ever opened up to was Peter, and even then she had a lot of communication issues and was deflecting very often, still keeping so much hidden. It was a natural reaction to “If I touch your wrist, I’ll know what you’re feeling.” In Gamora’s eyes, pre-romantic-relationship, pre-major-events-of-Volume 2, has-only-been-out-of-Thanos-clutches-for-a-few-months Gamora’s eyes, that’s a big fuck no you don’t. It was an in-the-moment reaction, but it didn’t mean that she hated Mantis or deep down really wanted to hurt her. It was simply her first instinct to stop this stranger from getting into her brain, especially in front of an audience (Peter and Drax). Gamora doesn’t even understand her own emotions, she’s not gonna have them spelled out by this weirdo. :P

Cut ahead to later when Gamora is softer to her and says, “You’re not ugly” and scolds Drax - I think that was fine and fitting. I know not much time had passed, and at this point Gamora was trusting Ego even less, so a viewer might think by extension, Gamora was trusting Mantis less. And I think that’s a little bit true, since she admitted she could tell Mantis was hiding something, but Gamora could also probably sense that Mantis was genuine in her naivete and innocence, and was being used and brainwashed by Ego much like how Gamora and Nebula always were by Thanos. Aside from that, Gamora is just kind and sweet toward those that seem like they need defending, or those who are childlike and innocent (her sweet and precious goodbye to Baby Groot when they first left Berhert that morning to go with Ego rings a bell). Gamora and Drax disagree and bicker a lot, as do all the Guardians, and Gamora just instantly wanted to protect this poor girl from his bluntness, from anyone needlessly hurting her feelings. Gamora’s a nice person, despite how she can often become cold and defensive, and wouldn’t tolerate Mantis touching her and using her powers without permission. (Plus, Gamora didn’t scream at Drax, just gave him a ‘Hey, come on, that’s not nice’ glare and tone.) Both scenarios, again, felt natural.

WOW, that was a way longer response than was probably warranted, but your messages made me think a lot! I hope I expressed this well. If I think of any more points, I’ll add them later. I’m sorry again that these friggin’ essays took almost 2 weeks. I don’t want to seem like a hypocrite, excitedly telling folks in my FAQ to please send me messages, and than seeming like I don’t pay them much attention. I’m just a procrastinator, especially during this horrid season. ;)

Thank you so much for the sudden messages, and saying that you love the blog! I’m super glad! Very appreciated and flattering. It’s neat to learn that you value my opinion enough to send me these thoughts and questions! ^_^

(I’ll respond to your newer message about that infamous scene with Peter on Titan, and how Gamora likely would’ve reacted if the roles were reversed, at a later time. Probably Sunday. I hope that’s all right. Take care!)

[bernuviels-inspiration]

Mike Shinoda's show in Zurich, 17. March 2019

I had the amazing chance to attend one of Mike’s concerts of the last Post Traumatic Tour. And it was absolutely awesome!

You can read all about my little adventure under the cut. It’s pretty long though. xD

I was very surprised when Mike announced a show in Switzerland, since we did pretty bad in the „WeDemand“ campaign and I barely knew any other Swiss fans. But I was so grateful and excited – Zurich is only about 20km from my home! In order to help make the show a success I founded a Facebook group for it. On show day we had 90 members! I had also joined the Linkin Park Street Team a while ago and they sent me some posters to put up. And I printed 1'000 flyers and distributed them around Zurich with some friends from the group. I met so many nice people from all over the world thanks to that group: Finland, Denmark, Brazil, Spain, USA, etc. And even finally some fellow Swiss fans! We planned flash mobs, painted a flag and even had a little meet up the day before the show. It was so much fun! Thank you LP Family, I love you all dearly. <3

Since I'm an LPU member, I tried my luck with the Meet & Greet contest again. And as usual when it comes to random, luck-based things, I had none. But there was another contest by the host of the event. They wanted us to tell them, why we deserve to win a Meet & Greet. Both of my sisters wrote beautiful, heartwarming comments about my commitment with the FB group and advertising, but also how I coped with Chester's death by drawing all those LP artworks and how much this band (and especially Mike) mean to me. Even complete strangers said, that they think I deserve it most. That moved me to tears! At first the tickets were given away to someone else. But one of the winners got ill and asked the host to give the ticket to someone who really wants it. And they chose me! I couldn't believe it! That was so nice of all of them. Thank you so much. <3 And so the most incredible thing happened: I got to meet my hero! The 16 lucky winners were taken into the cool London bus of a local radio station. There we all got to meet Mike one by one. It was awesome, but unfortunately also very brief. Everything happened so fast, that I didn't really have time to realize what was going on. I just remember that the first thought that went through my head when I stood in front of him was: “He is so CUTE!”. I mean, I knew that before, but he's even more adorable in real life and up close. xD I was very nervous and probably talked too much, which is very unlike me. But I could finally give Mike the Post Traumatic artwork I drew for him, which means my biggest dream came true. And he signed the second one for me. In the picture it looks as if he wanted to say something about it, but couldn't because I was blabbering too much – damn! I'm so sorry, Mike. Oh, and the hat was a gift to him from one of my friends from the group. I almost started laughing, when I realized he wore a jacket with the exact same pattern – that's so Mike! And also yay, free fluff. :D

After the Meet & Greet we were even allowed to go into the venue first! That meant front row! I've never been that close to a stage before and was super excited about it. I'm usually not the “front row type”, since I'm quite reluctant and shy. While waiting there, I saw a crew member put our Swiss flag onto Matt's keyboard. I texted the girl, who painted it and she was super happy about it. We succeeded with getting the flag to the crew through the M&G – I was damn proud of us! xD Then the “opening act” started. Well, it was more of a last minute stand in, since the original one (a local rapper) got canceled without any explanation. And so a young “DJ” was hiding behind his laptop, playing one song after another without doing any DJ-ing. They could have just turned the radio on, but it was okay. We weren't there for him anyway. And finally, showtime! Mike, Matt and Dan entered the stage with lots of applause from the crowd. They even started the set with a song that hasn't opened any sets on this tour before: When They Come For Me. I love this song, it's so much fun! I was just hoping that my parents, who I talked into coming to the show too (yes, I did that with everyone I knew xD), didn't catch a certain word. I didn't want them to think badly of Mike. xD Following was the probably most well-known (at least in Switzerland) Fort Minor song Remember The Name, also unusually early in the set. Then Mike took the first little break and welcomed the audience. That was our signal for the first flash mob! It was a very spontaneous one, inspired by a certain video, he has uploaded just a few days prior. The front row was shouting: More cowbell! Mike started laughing and walked over to Dan, who indeed had a cowbell on his drum set. Mike said “Just for you guys.” and played a hilarious cowbell intro to Ghosts, which is a kinda funny song anyway, thanks to the sock puppets. I was so happy: Another success and we even made Mike laugh! :D

Next Mike talked about a tweet from the same day, where someone was analyzing the chances of a song being played in his set. He doesn't like to be predictable, so he decided to screw up the statistics and play some extra rare songs tonight. Thank you, spreadsheet guy! xD The first song that came from this, was the hilariously sarcastic High Road. It's in my Top 3 FM songs and funnily enough, he played it last year in Cologne too – one of only 5 times on the tour! The following song had a high chance of being played and I love it very much: The emotional Roads Untraveled. During the “and if you need a friend, there's a seat here alongside me”, Mike pointed at the crowd again. That's just so nice of him! Then Mike played something super rare again, it was actually even a tour debut: Kenji! I know how much this song about the tragic history of his family means to Mike, so it was a great honor to hear it live. Some fans (including me) even made the peace sign at the end of the song, like he used to. That was really moving. And he continued with songs I love dearly, starting with the PT bonus track Prove You Wrong. Even though the melody sounds kinda sad, there is something so uplifting in those lyrics. Mike also put it into his Instagram stories and you can actually see me singing along. I sang every song as loud as I could, forgetting about my shyness for a while. It was amazing! The next song in the set was the only one that got me emotional in a negative way (but only for a second). I was prepared for In The End and his speech, but I was not prepared for Nobody Can Save Me. For a moment I was back on July 20th, sitting in the darkness of my room and singing along to the One More Light album while crying. Luckily I managed to snap out of that quickly, because I actually love this song. It's one of the best Linkin Park has ever written, in my opinion, because it has such a great message. Nobody can save us – only we ourselves can. And Mike sang so beautifully... What an honor to hear that live! Another OML song followed (luckily not OML itself, I just can't take that one): Sorry For Now. Dan played an amazing drum solo in the bridge and Mike added the demo verse of Lift Off afterwards. He then even rapped the chorus of Step Up, a super rare and old LP song! (I could tell, because barely anybody knew the answer to “Who can rock a rhyme like this?” - I swear I shouted “Like this!” as loud as I could. xD) I love Step Up! Especially in the amazing rock-hip hop medley with Nobody's Listening and It's Going Down, that LP used to play in the Meteora days. Mike then also introduced Dan, who got a lot of applause from the crowd. Later he also introduced Matt, by asking him since when he's even been there. Matt answered: “The entire tour, but sometimes I take bathroom breaks.”, which resulted in Mike laughing about his British accent. These dorks! There was also another crew member, that Mike introduced to us: Photographer Chady. Some Swiss friends of his had invited Mike to eat Raclette (melted cheese that you usually put on potatoes, pickles and pearl onions – it's very tasty!). Mike joked that eating lots of cheese before a show is really good for you. xD The set continued with PTs lead single Crossing A Line, which inspired my artwork. I just love how hopeful it is. During the song, Mike threw some guitar picks into the crowd. I wasn't trying to catch anything, since I already had that awesome signature and thought other fans deserved it more. But I guess Mike had other plans... During the bridge of the song he plays on his drum pads for a moment and then throws the sticks into the crowd blindly. Well, he tried to kill me with it! xD (Luckily I put the phone away, just a moment before the drumstick hit my hand. Damned it Mike, that hurt! xD)

He then played another PT song, which I love dearly: Hold It Together. The lyrics are pretty dark, but there is something very fun about the melody. The first mashup followed: Waiting For The End / Where'd You Go. The crowd's singing sounded amazing, especially in the outro, which is a piano version of WFTEs first verse and chorus. Mike praised us: “You guys have beautiful voices. You should sing more often, it's good for you.” Matt and Dan left the stage and Mike started this calm piano playing and speech. Time for our second flash mob! We held up signs that said: “Music Inspiration Kindness Emotion”. This time there were even more signs than for the first one. (I spent quite some time inviting every fan to join our flash mob before the show and handing out the signs I designed.) Mike noticed them, curiously asking “What are those?” Then he realized it: “That's my name! That's very kind. Thank you guys very much, that's cool.“ He seemed so happy and both of our flash mobs were a success! He then continued with his speech, saying that he doesn't want these shows to be sad, but to celebrate Chester's life instead. The crowd cheered very loudly for Chester for several minutes! And then we all sang the beautiful piano version of In The End together. After that, Mike asked us if we wanted to sing another song. Is that even a question?! xD He started to play Heavy, but stopped before the singing part, because he thought the crowd would want another song more. I already got worried during the show and it really hurt me, when I saw all the hate the Swiss crowd got on social media from people who weren't even there... As if we wouldn't know the words to Heavy... It's the most played LP song on the Swiss radio! We would have loved to sing it! (Me especially, because my father was in the crowd and he really likes that song.) But Mike decided that Numb would be a better fit, maybe even to not make everyone too sad. Numb is my favorite Linkin Park song, because it's the one that made me fall in love with the band in the first place. And it was awesome to sing it with so many people. The Swiss crowd did a great job! Video: In The End & Numb (with Mike's speech & reaction to the second flash mob) They closed the main set with my favorite medley of the tour: About You / Over Again / Papercut. Even though it reminds me a lot of Chester (About You & Over Again are the PT songs that are most about him) and it's really painful to see Mike perform Papercut's bridge alone, I could also enjoy it. Everyone was jumping around and shouting during Papercut. That song is just so great! Mike, Matt and Dan then left the stage for the encore break. The crowd started to sing “lift me up, let me go”, but not as loud as in Italy a few days before. We are just a generally reluctant nation. The hall also wasn't as full as I hoped it would be. There were probably around 2'000 people. Hopefully we did well enough for Mike to want to come back to Switzerland. After a few minutes, Mike, Matt and Dan sneaked back on stage, hiding behind their instruments. As if we wouldn't notice them anyway! Such dorks. xD They played a beautiful instrumental version of Robot Boy, which really let their skills and teamwork shine. It's so sad to think that this is the last Post Traumatic tour. Matt and Dan have really grown on me and it's hard to see them leave. Mike then sang a beautiful PT song I haven't heard live before and that wasn't even originally planned: World's On Fire. I know he wrote it for his wife Anna (and his kids), who is a wonderful person too, but it was as if the crowd was singing it for Mike. It's true, when the world's on fire, all we need is him. I'm so grateful that he shared PT with us! He led us all through the grief and darkness that followed Chester's death. And that night it was obvious, that we are in a much better place now. Following was the beautiful, consoling Castle Of Glass, one of my favorite LP songs. And then they played the second PT single Make It Up As I Go. Such an amazing song and it always reminds me of those hilarious moth memes. xD Mike encouraged us to sing his part of the chorus while directly looking at me. I was singing my heart out! He smiled and shouted “yeah!” That was an awesome moment. I rarely felt so appreciated like on that day, not just by Mike but also by the other fans. The last mashup followed: Good Goodbye / Bleed It Out (including a drunken pirate who wanted to give Mike a kiss xD) and the crowd went wild! For Running From My Shadow, the last song of the set, Mike came down to the crowd as he always does. He stood on the barricade just about two meters away from me. It was great to see him have so much fun up close! Afterwards he high-fived the front row (including me :D) and returned to the stage. He smashed one of Dan's cymbals until the end of the song and then soaked us in water. When Mike left the stage, he stopped at our Swiss flag and blew it a kiss. I loved seeing that, because it gave me hope that we didn't disappoint him and he might come back someday.

I still can't believe all of this actually happened! I made new friends from all over the world. I met my hero and finally got to give him my artwork. I got to spend the entire show in front row, super close to Mike. They played so many amazing songs and had so much fun. The flash mobs worked out and our flag made it on stage. All my hard work payed off. I really enjoyed this concert, it was a once in a lifetime experience. Thank you so much, everyone! I hope I'll see you all again soon. ;)

[demigodofhoolemere]

Oh boy. Here we go. Gonna try to get my Endgame thoughts out. Usually I give spoiler-free versions as well, but... you really can’t say a word about this movie that isn’t a spoiler, so everything goes under the cut.

~~~

Shortest summary: the things that were good were really good, but the things that were bad were just as bad (aka disappointing), and there are gray areas in between that I have complicated feelings for.

I’ll start with the bad so I can end with the good.

Complaints

- Anyone who knows how I feel about Ragnarok knows that the first and most frustration-filled complaint has to be about Thor. I try not to speak too openly about my feelings for that movie, because a) I don’t want to ruin anyone’s fun by saying how much I hate the thing they love, no one wants to hear that, and b) I don’t want to be eaten alive for it anyway. But given that we’re under the cut now: I really hate that movie. And there’s a plethora of things I could get into about that which I won’t, the important point here is that I can’t stand Thor’s characterization. They stripped him of everything that made him who he was, to the point of such unrecognizability that I only call him by name in quotation marks or refer to him as Fake Thor. I know how many people consider the overhaul an improvement, but I genuinely loved who he once was, and they turned my boy into the exact kind of character that I hate ten out of ten times. Infinity War, while still very much trying to keep with who he’d become, seemed like it was attempting to course-correct and let him actually be serious again, he definitely had some moments that I liked where I could see him as the Thor I know peeking out again. Foolishly I assumed Endgame would follow suit, especially since this is supposed to be the biggest, darkest movie ever. Instead I’m subjected to a “Thor” who is SOMEHOW even further removed from recognition and manages to even be an insult to Ragnarok Thor, who in the very least refused to give up on his goals and knew that hiding and drinking wasn’t the answer to problems. This yet newer version is drinking himself into oblivion and not trying even a bit to actually be any kind of leader for his people, and it’s all played for laughs. This genuinely tragic and miserable state they put him in is all played for laughs. I was looking forward to seeing how they’d have Thor respond to his trauma and depression, foolishly thinking that his characterization might be slowly headed to a better place and it might be something like how we used to see Thor deal with his pain (quietly, soldiering on, but clearly without his heart completely in it, he tries to be okay and he hides it and he smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and he hurts and he grieves but he never gives up because surrender is not in his nature) — but it turns out the man can’t even be depressed without it being a joke. It honestly pained me to watch and I wanted to throw up, because it feels like a stranger walking around in Thor’s corpse, and because it was all just one long joke about him being sad and fat (like that’s okay to make fun of?), and all of this during the hugest movie event ever. The culmination of a decade of stories, and this is what we get. A disgrace in every way. It’s terrible but when Thanos was digging the weapon into his chest, I was actually hoping he’d die. I can’t take it anymore. The only reason I have left for caring whether he lives is purely for Loki’s sake at this point, because he shouldn’t have to lose his brother, but then again, I really don’t even feel like his brother is home anymore. The lights are on but it’s someone else in the house and I don’t know who he is, all I know is I never want to have to see him again. (When Frigga says he’s not the Thor she knows... I know she meant it differently but that was a mood).

- Also, he never talks about Loki for a second, not a single namedrop, he’s not even alluded to in the present day outside of the audience simply knowing that it’s part of the reason Thor hates Thanos, but it’s vague at best. He outright walks past Loki in his cell without a moment of reaction. Their entire history and bond is treated as nonexistent. Thanks.

- While they were at it the movie also refused to acknowledge anything that Thanos did to Loki pre-New York, which I really didn’t expect but it would have been nice. Best we have is two seconds in IW of Bruce saying that he “sent” him, which really doesn’t do justice to the truth of it. And the thing is... I don’t know that I can even expect the Loki series to address it, either. It’s not present day Loki, which I’m peeved about because I wanted him back, and now we lose all post-Avengers character development, and I lose hope of seeing the one thing I’ve wanted for this character in the 7 years I’ve known and loved him: healing. I’ve only ever wanted to see him get help, figure out his mind, figure out who he wants to be, make progress and get better. Goodness knows that’s all Tom ever talks about wanting for him, too. I doubt that will happen now, given that a) they had Loki peace out with the Tesseract and b) the synopsis was something about him traveling through Earth history and influencing events, both of which tell me we could easily be going down the ‘haha I love stealing the Tesseract and stabbing people at random’ road that I so don’t want to go down, with an added ‘I want to screw up time just because’ for good measure. He’s a trickster, yes, but he didn’t used to be like this, and if this is all they’ll let him be then I lose hope of seeing him allowed to be emotional, or having any of his trauma acknowledged, or being shown to have actual personal motivations and desires outside of mischief, and the hope that he would have a moral code and display a capacity for goodness (yes, Loki has those things) is likely a pipe dream. Tom is my only hope, and knowing how he is with the character, his hands are extremely safe ones to be in and I know that no matter what’s written he’ll do all he can to bring as much truth to Loki as possible, but it still depends on who’s in charge, and unless by miracle it ends up being Kenneth Branagh, I have trust issues. I’m happy he’s alive at all but I’m worried about my boy. I just want him back from the present day, revived from having to be brutally murdered by his torturer, and out of the hands of anyone who’s not going to take care of his character.

- By the way, is “the sun will shine on us again” really just false hope after all that? He was the only optimistic person in the movie and had a suspicious 3+ minute absence where he could have been doing anything, and nothing comes of that? I mean, I’m grateful for the true sacrifice, and I’m glad the Russos know that he would do that (my issue with the scene not being that he uses a dagger, but only that we’re not shown him trying anything else first; I believe he’d do what he did if it was the last possible thing he could attempt, I just wish we’d been shown that that was definitively the case), and that it didn’t lean into the ‘oh he just loves faking his death’ misunderstanding, but I was kinda hoping for a reversal, you know? It wouldn’t change the impact, he still made his choice and it’s still massive for the character, it just... wouldn’t have to be permanent... please I miss my son so much.

- PROFFESOR HULK. I was afraid they’d go down this route, and it seemed more or less confirmed by the time the movie was about to come out. I’m highly uncomfortable with the whole concept, I’ve never liked it in any medium. Bruce was already OOC as well at times, particularly his first scene in the diner, but having him do this pretty much equates to him murdering Hulk. It’s Bruce’s consciousness in Hulk’s body, which kind of kicks out Hulk. Is his mind trapped inside or is he just gone? Either way, there’s clearly no intention of ever reversing this, which ends up still effectively killing Hulk no matter how you go about it. The arc Bruce has been on was supposed to be about him accepting Hulk, and the two of them learning to work together better. Having Bruce decide that he only wants the body is NOT conflict resolution. They acted like it was the best of both worlds, as if Hulk was only ever a secondary body and not an actual separate living personality, which drives me crazy. He was unceremoniously taken out, offscreen, by the same man who gave him life. He deserved better than that, he deserved to live. Now we’ll never see him again. Not a fun day to be a Hulk fan.

- Over-the-top humor where there shouldn’t have been. I love good humor, I’m grateful for relief from angst, and there were some very good funny moments, but there comes a point where it shouldn’t be done, if you can’t do it well and in a way that is not inappropriate for the tone (hint: fat jokes are inappropriate for the tone). Humor abuse is frustratingly growing more and more common, in Marvel and in general.

- Angst for the sake of angst regardless of whether it could have been avoided. I know that much of fiction works like this but still. Stephen could have used the Time Stone on Tony’s injuries to bring him to the moment before it happened, so that he could be saved without undoing the victory. He saved Wong that way, Thanos used the stone on Vision without changing anything else around him, we know it’s possible. Same could have been done for Nat, too. And my sister pointed out that they should have just time traveled to somewhere in that 22-day timespan to get the stones from Thanos before he destroyed them, because they were all together and it would have saved them the time heist and the massive battle. I know the movie would have been over quickly, but seriously, they went to a lot of trouble that they didn’t need to. I like having reasons for why things have to be done or not done a certain way, rather than asking me to ignore the obvious ways out.

- The time travel logic REALLY needed to be explained better. They made a point of contradicting the traditionally accepted time travel rules, and made a minor attempt at explaining how they were choosing to do it, but didn’t make it clear enough to follow. I can’t figure out for the life of me what’s supposed to become of Gamora, or why Nebula killing herself in the past doesn’t kill her in the present, or what in the world happens to personal timelines that have been tampered with (Loki not experiencing TDW and onward, Peggy not having her family, etc), among many other questions. Nothing makes any sense and they left a total mess in their wake. It felt like they were just giving themselves a pass to do whatever they wanted rather than follow any logic.

- On that note: Gamora. As much as I refuse to give up hope for her, it seems to me that they’re not planning on fixing that. The only reason I hadn’t been as panicked for her wellbeing as I could have been was because I figured they couldn’t just leave things that way. I remembered James Gunn once said that Vol 3 could be watched without having seen IW and Endgame, which implied to me that there would be no Guardians deaths that wouldn’t get undone, but now I’m wondering if it’s set before IW or I just misremembered what he said entirely - either way it’s feeling like we’re really just starting over with 2014 Gamora, which is all kinds of messed up to 2018 Gamora. What kind of ending is that? Killed by her abusive kidnapper “father”, and trying to make the audience sympathetic to his pain? That scene was beautifully done, in a sick and twisted way, but it needs to be fixed. I want her back in one piece. She deserved to see the end of Thanos, in her own normal timeline and not in her new one, and move on with her life and her sister and her family. Justice for Gamora.

- Rocket calling Mantis “the chick with the antennae”, as if he wasn’t friends with her for four years. I’m pretending that he was just getting too emotional saying all of their names and decided to distance himself from it, because that’s the only thing that makes sense, unless he’s legitimately having a memory problem in his older age. Rocket is gruff but his team is his family and that includes Mantis.

- Five years later. Why. Please don’t make my kids go through this for five years. You only did this for the Morgan pain, you sadists. You know that’s the only reason you did this, it didn’t need to be five years, why do you like to hurt me—

- In general it just felt like it didn’t live up to the promises Infinity War made? It feels like a completely different event.

- No Dum-E and U at the funeral. Unrealistic, Tony wouldn’t stand to have his bots left out. I know this isn’t important, but it’s important.

Conflicting Feelings

- Less worried about Vision since I know he and Wanda have a show coming and Feige said that the Disney+ shows are post-Endgame, but we don’t know in what capacity he’ll appear. He could be emotionless White Vision, or Wanda could be going House-of-M style and hallucinating him or trying to change reality to keep him, or who knows what else. Hopefully it’s all good. Cautiously optimistic?

- Not sure about Clint becoming a killer. I can buy a mourning family man having that anger in him, and I know Ronin is a comics thing and that historically he can have a bit of a temper at times, but at the same time... it’s Clint. I can’t figure out how I feel about it.

- What Tony did was amazing and everything, but Nebula still should have been the one to kill Thanos.

- Making it five years later makes things very awkward for setting things right. If you were to undo everything, you erase important things that happened in the time since, especially children born (and when they introduced Morgan I knew what path they were taking). It makes sense to bring people back without turning the time back. But the snapped people also miss five years of world developments, five years of their loved ones’ lives, and will now forever be younger than people that they used to be older than. Worse, it won’t undo the damage that was done outside of the snap. People who died in crashes because their drivers or pilots disappeared, people who died on operating tables because their surgeons disappeared, people who committed suicide because they couldn’t live with what happened. Those people are never coming back, unless we pretend that Tony took them into account when he fixed things. It’s just... no matter what way you go about fixing things, it’s uncomfortable for somebody.

- Nat’s death. Conflicted purely because I love her and I want her back. The death was incredibly well done and emotionally impactful and believable for the character and the journey she’s been on all these years. Can’t say enough for how much I loved she and Clint stopping each other back and forth, and how flipping proud I am of her and who she is. I would bring her back in a heartbeat and I’m completely devastated, but I’m so proud. However, where was her funeral?

- Tony... I sooo prepped myself for the wrong Avenger. I’ve been expecting Steve to die for years now, so that’s what I went in thinking would happen, and while I did have my concerns and occasional doubts, I had become like 90% convinced that Tony would be okay because I didn’t think they could actually do it, especially with him having so much to live for. It’s utterly heartbreaking, because we’ve gone through YEARS with him, he’s suffered so much and he’s earned his happy ending a thousand times over, it was owed to him, and to watch him die when happiness was within his grasp... that’s not entertainment anymore, you know? It’s just twisted and sadistic. I can see how it ties things together and wraps up his story, but not in a satisfying way. I wanted nothing more than for him to get to live with his family. If he had to die, the way they did it was amazing, it was beautiful and epic and it meant something, the reactions of Pepper and the others were completely heartbreaking in every horrible way, they used so many callbacks to his previous movies and especially the first one (I am NOT even getting into all of them, holy crap, they murdered me so many times over), it hit in all the right ways and it was all the right kinds of angst, it’s exactly the kind of thing I’d have done if I had to write that... but I didn’t want this. I’m devastated beyond description. I had to watch my sweet boy die with my own two eyes. He built the MCU from the ground up and this is his sendoff. It’s certainly one befitting his character, but that doesn’t mean it’s what he deserved. I want to erase this from my memories. Nothing happened, it’s fine.

- This one is going to sound cruel, but... as much as I don’t want Steve to die, I would have been less dissatisfied if it had been him. He had less to lose, I felt. He never truly felt like he belonged in the 21st century, he always struggled to figure himself and his place in life out, never seemed very comfortable in his own skin. It would have made sense for him to be the one to make the sacrifice. I could have accepted him achieving his personal peace in reuniting with the loved ones he’s lost, he’d get so much of his life back even if it had to be in the next one.

- On the Steve note, I love him and Peggy as much as the next person, truly truly truly, but... she had a family, she had an entire life. The Russos claim that the family still exists, but because none of this timeline stuff was made clear, it just feels like Steve erased her whole history so he could be with her and it honestly came across as uncharacteristically selfish of him. Yes, he deserves happiness as much as any of the Avengers, and believe me, I was sobbing watching them finally get their dance. Part of me is happy and satisfied. But... it doesn’t feel right. Not him messing with her life, not him going through all of those decades knowing what was happening to Bucky and doing nothing, not any of it. Obviously I know he struggled to move on, I mentioned that above, but he DID create a family and he had friends and people he loved, and he just left them. It doesn’t sit well. It gets worse when you factor Sharon into it, because for one thing, she’d now be his grand-niece and he’d have to live with the knowledge that he’s kissed her, and for another, talk about one last kick to the dead horse that was any hope of Sharon being allowed an ounce of good treatment from the MCU. There was a draft of IW where she and Steve were trying to live in an apartment together, that kind of seals the deal that they were attempting a relationship, and yet... not one bit of consideration for her. I’ve never even shipped the two together, but I care about Sharon and she has been done SO dirty, I feel so bad. I wish I could be happy about Steve and Peggy’s happy ending without so many things hanging uncomfortably overhead.

Good

- Got to watch Thanos die twice.

- Got to watch Tony and Nebula play table football.

- Clint has finally returned to me!!!

- So many good character interactions with emotional depth and people truly being friends. Eating sandwiches and laying around brainstorming. Steve and Natasha is always a favorite. Nat and Clint absolutely destroyed me, I love how they are as close as is humanly possible without crossing the romantic threshold (pretty similar to her with Steve, come to think of it). I loved Tony and Nebula’s relationship, and her scenes with Rhodey were meaningful. She and Rocket holding hands, my heart. Some good Rhodey and Carol content in there. Very nice to see Scott interact with people more properly than he got to in CW, and to see the Guardian survivors dealing with their Earth friends (I am never getting over Nat receiving emails from Rocket). That Clint and Wanda moment got me. Also just... so nice to see Clint even exist to interact with anyone at all, frankly. And I finally started to believe Steve and Tony as friends in this canon. A little.

- Generally just emotional about all of my babies.

- MARRIED PEPPERONY. WITH A CHILD. PRECIOUS FATHER TONY STARK. ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN. I CAN’T GET INTO THIS. IT’S TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART. I HAVE TO LEAVE IT AT THAT.

- Gamora and Nebula being sisters!

- Harley! This wasn’t how I wanted to see him again, but Harley!

- A few seconds of light of my life Janet van Dyne!

- And Hank! Present day AND amazing 70s flashback hair with that beautiful classic Ant-Man helmet that would have been completely impractical function-wise but that I love and appreciate seeing!

- Scott and Cassie killed me. Anything Ant-Man related killed me. I have so many questions about what happened to people. What was Cassie’s living situation like? Are Maggie and Paxton okay? Luis? Kurt and Dave? I hope Ava did get snapped, actually, for her own sake considering she needed the particles to live and she wouldn��t have been getting them, and I don’t want Bill to be without her so hopefully they went together and can come back together.

- Carol. Just Carol.

- Rocket is always a delight.

- Again with the Budapest baiting! I want to know!

- Loved seeing the Ancient One! A breath of fresh air in a rollercoaster of breathlessness.

- The bit with Peter Quill on Morag made me smile so big. Loved the bonus shot of him singing along badly when we can’t hear the song. I needed that bit of happiness. Plus, GotG is one of the only ones I never ended up seeing when it was still in theaters, so it was great to be able to experience at least that part on the big screen.

- Man, going back to 2012 made me miss those days so hard.

- Appreciated the Winter Soldier references and appearances.

- Steve knowing he could disarm himself just by mentioning Bucky, my heart!

- Edwin Jarvis, my love! I can’t believe they incorporated one of the shows into one of the movies!

- Tony with Howard was so emotional. I know a lot of people hate Howard, and I get why, but I’ve always enjoyed seeing him, and I’m grateful that Tony has been able to really get closure in regards to his relationship with his father. It doesn’t change the negligence, but it’s important that Tony be able to be in a good place, I’m happy he’s healing. He made my heart turn mush during that sequence.

- WHEN STEVE WAS STANDING ON HIS OWN AGAINST THANOS AND HIS ENTIRE ARMY. POWERFUL.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU HEAR SAM’S VOICE AND “ON YOUR LEFT” AND YOU CRY.

- AND SUDDENLY YOU SEE A PORTAL OPENING AND YOU SCREAM BECAUSE LIGHT OF YOUR LIFE STEPHEN VINCENT STRANGE IS ALIVE.

- AND SUDDENLY YOUR WAKANDAN BABIES ARE BACK AND YOUR CHEST SWELLS.

- AND SUDDENLY EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED IS ALL THERE AND IT’S A BEAUTIFUL POWERFUL ENSEMBLE AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEEDED.

- AND AVENGERS ASSEMBLE. FINALLY.

- AND PEPPER COMES IN THE RESCUE ARMOR THAT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE 2013 AND SHE AND TONY ARE A BACK-TO-BACK POWER COUPLE.

- AND TONY AND PETER REUNITE AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

- AND STEPHEN IS MOSES AND IT’S AMAZING.

- AND WANDA IS READY TO FLIPPING OBLITERATE THANOS AND START UNLEASHING SOME CHAOS MAGIC AND YOU’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE.

- AND CAROL IS WRECKING THANOS’S SHIPS AND YOU’RE LAUGHING WITH GLEE.

- AND ALL OF THE WOMEN GATHER PROTECTIVELY AROUND PETER AND YOU’VE NEVER RELATED TO ANY OF THEM MORE AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE THAT IT’S CONTRIVED THAT IT’S CONVENIENTLY ALL OF THE WOMEN BECAUSE THIS IS WAY TOO AWESOME OF A SHOT TO NITPICK.

- AND SCOTT AND HOPE ARE ADORABLE AND PERFECT.

- AND GAMORA DOESN’T KNOW PETER AND YOU CRY.

- AND STEVE IS WIELDING MJOLNIR AND YOU’RE SCREAMING BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT, WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY WORTHY!!!!!

- AND YOU KEEP SCREAMING THROUGH THE ENTIRE BATTLE BECAUSE IT’S INCREDIBLE!!!

- I’M STILL LIVING ON THAT HIGH IN CASE YOU COULDN’T TELL!!!

- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- And then just. Stephen lifts a finger. And you know.

- “I. Am. Iron Man.”

- Honestly thought he was going to say ‘invincible’ as a shout-out to his comic adjective but the full circle is way better and I’m a wreck. All hail Anthony Edward Stark.

- Watching Thanos turn to dust is very, very satisfying.

- For all of the years they teased Bucky!Cap, you’d think I’d be a bit put out that we’re not getting it, but honestly? Sam!Cap is a better fit, I think. Bucky needs rest, he deserves to not have to fight anymore. Sam has the skills and personality of a good leader, setting a moral example you want to follow, he embodies what it means and what it takes to be Captain America. He’s gonna be awesome at it.

- Peter and Ned reuniting at school! Babies!

- Happy’s general presence just made me weepy, I love him and we owe Jon Favreau everything.

- Erik Selvig on a screen! Why he was listed as deceased when there’s a (supposedly?) canon tie-in book that features him very much alive, I have no idea, but seeing him made me smile nonetheless.

- Seeing 2012 Thor again made me SO happy you have NO idea holy crap.

- Just seeing Loki again at all. Mimicking Steve, being snarky, waving goodbye to Hulk in the elevator. I’m happy to accept that little bit as canon, because it was actually good. It was what I needed to soothe my soul. I miss you, my beautiful sassmaster child. Come back to me.

- And Loki in the cell. That was always one of my favorite shots anyway, but just... such a breath of air. To see Loki on the big screen again, and not just that, but to specifically get a Dark World clip? I feel alive.

- The fact that Dark World is even being acknowledged as having existed is greatly pleasing to me, let alone being treated to seeing some of it again. Those were the freaking days, man.

- SEEING ASGARD AGAIN MADE ME SOB. MY TEARS WERE NOT PRETTY, BUT ASGARD SURE WAS. I MISS YOU, ASGARD.

- JANE FREAKING FOSTER. MY GIRL. I HOPED SHE’D SHOW BUT I DIDN’T WANT TO EXPECT ANYTHING BUT OH MY WORD DID I CRY. I CRIED SO HARD. I FINALLY GOT TO SEE HER AGAIN AFTER SO LONG. IT’S BEEN SO FLIPPING LONG BUT MY GIRL IS FINALLY REMEMBERED. HER DELETED SCENE WAKING UP IN THE ROOM ACTUALLY GOT USAGE YEARS LATER. AND JUST. NEW JANE. NEW JANE MATERIAL. ALL SHE DID WAS ASK FOR PANTS BUT I’LL TAKE IT. EVERY SECOND WAS A TREASURE. I MISSED YOU JANE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH. COME BACK TO ME. WRITERS PLEASE BRING HER BACK. I NEED TO SEE HER GET TO USE HER SMARTS AGAIN. I MISS MY GENIUS BABY GIRL.

- FRIGGA. WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL APPLE OF MY EYE ALLMOTHER FRIGGA. I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW GOOD IT WAS TO SEE HER. AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IN ALL HER AMAZING FRIGGA GLORY. MY QUEEN. I MISSED HER SO FLIPPING MUCH. I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE NEW FRIGGA CONTENT. SHE WAS SO PERFECTLY HERSELF. I CHERISHED EVERY MOMENT. TALKING ABOUT SENDING LOKI SOME SOUP AND SOME BOOKS BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. SEEING RIGHT THROUGH FUTURE THOR BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE WOULD. I’M SO GLAD SHE WAS SHOWN TO BE IMPORTANT TO THOR BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS THE LEAST DEVELOPED DYNAMIC OF THE FAMILY AND ALL OF THEIR SCENES ARE CUT. SHE WAS RAISED BY WITCHES AND NOW I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT. ALWAYS SO GENTLE AND CARING TOWARDS HER SONS. ALWAYS SO PERCEPTIVE. HER BEAUTIFUL AMAZING FRIGGA SMILE. WAVING AT ROCKET. THE WAY SHE TALKS. THE WAY SHE SAVED THE SCENE AND MY SANITY. IT WAS PERFECT. SHE’S PERFECT. I NEED HER BACK ALREADY. SHE CAN NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN. SHE MADE THIS TORTURE BEARABLE AND I MISS HER AGAIN ALREADY.

- ALL THE THINGS RELATED TO GETTING MY OLD THOR WORLD BACK ARE VERY OBVIOUSLY MY FAVORITE PARTS THAT MADE ME HAPPIER THAN I COULD POSSIBLY BEGIN TO DESCRIBE AND I AM GOING TO BE LIVING OFF OF THIS VICTORY FOREVER.

Conclusion

The things I don’t like aren’t canon and everyone is totally fine and nothing is wrong at all. I’m taking the good stuff and running away with it and doing whatever I want with it to turn it all into the best possible version in my head. The end.

[the-zodiacs-written-in-the-stars]

Chapter 10: Babara Burkhart

When Babara had been barely a baby, her mother had died to save her life with the power of love-

Babara had never met her father, but never could she have guessed he was a god and that--

In her past life, Babara had been the princess of the moon, before her tragic death---

Okay, okay, okay, so maybe Babara wasn't a Potter or a Jackson or even a Tsukino. She was a Burkhart without tragic backstory, or meaningful parentage, or a Great Prophecy.

Babara Brunhilde Burkhart (thanks for that, mom...) had been born on a chilly November-night in Vienna, born and raised in Austria all of her life. She had two loving parents, neither of them dead or abandoning her or having some deep, dark, life-altering family-secret. They weren't rich but also never had to worry about having food on the table or getting new clothes.

And every summer, she got to spend at her grandparents' farm in the alps. Because her parents thought that Vienna was too much of a big city and that she shouldn't lose touch to nature (her mother having grown up on her grandparents' farm). But that was okay, because her grandparents were great – and she wasn't the only one who got to spend the summer there. Her cousin, Sebastian Weinberg, was also sent there every summer by his mother for the very same reasoning. That only made the summers extra awesome, because Sebastian was only two years older than her and he lived all the way in Berlin in Germany, so the two didn't really get to see each other a lot. But every summer, they got to be together at the farm and have adventures together.

Sebastian was a total nerd and the two cousins didn't have a lot in common aside from that, so it was even better that they got to form this bond. As a single-child, Babara liked to experience what it was like to live with another child like that, so that even when they grew older and their parents didn't 'force' them to go anymore, they still opted to. To see their grandparents and to see each other.

When Sebastian was seventeen, the introverted nerd met his best friend – Melanie Maguire. Online, writing Harry Potter fanfiction. For Babara, who had always been the heart of every social event and had an easy time making friends with anyone she met, the concept was slightly odd, but she was happy for him. Especially when the two got to meet for the first time and Babs came to realize it was more than just some random stranger on the internet Basty liked to text with. That was a real friendship. So real, in fact, that the two made plans to move to the same city, country not further narrowed down. Somehow, Babs didn't really like the idea of Basty leaving for good.

Using the puppy-dog eyes of doom (patent pending), Babs convinced Sebastian to take her with him. That the two should move together. After all, that best friend of Basty's wasn't going to move there alone either, she had a little brother she was very close to and didn't want to part ways with.

That was how, in the year 2011, Babara Burkhart and Sebastian Weinberg moved to Los Angeles together, shortly thereafter followed by Melanie and Michael Maguire.

Nothing about Babs' life qualified her to be some great superhero.

There was no tragic loss in her background – her grandparents were happily alive too. Her family was very normal and not magical or anything. She worked hard to get to where she was now, with some missteps but who didn't have those. Yet somehow, for some reason, she had been chosen to become a superhero, a protector of Earth. Scorpio.

~*~

“Y... You reckless idiot!”, exclaimed Babs angrily, throwing her hands up. “Oh, Bee, you shouldn't go on solo missions. That's dangerous, Bee. You should have called me, Bee.”

Jamie grumbled and winced as he sat down on his bed, holding his ribs. “I deserve that.”

“You deserve much more!”, grunted Babs annoyed. “Take off your shirt.”

“Hah. So you only want to get me naked too”, sighed Jamie dramatically.

Babs gave him the stink-eye, while Scorpio and Leo curled together on the small couch in the corner, grooming each other. With another wince did Jamie start to peel his shirt off. Biting her lips, Babara rubbed her hands together and closed her eyes for a moment to concentrate.

“How are you stitched up?”, asked Babs surprised when she saw the wound.

“Matt and Mike called a doctor friend of theirs”, mumbled Jamie, cheeks heating up a little.

“You are so damn lucky that they took you with them and you didn't get caught by the bad guys”, grumbled Babs with a glare as she rested her hands on the wound, making Jamie wince. “That's what you get for nearly getting yourself killed. Idiot.”

She had been training her healing skills. Working with the water inside the cells to close the wound. It took time and it exhausted her, but the others were going to ask questions if they noticed. Even though Jamie would totally deserve to walk around with that wound until it healed naturally.

“Don't worry me like this”, sighed Babs softly. “I don't know what I'd do if you died, Jay.”

“I'm not going to die”, promised Jamie, resting his forehead against hers. “I swear.”

“Besides, I wouldn't know how to explain it to Jess”, grumbled Babs with a glare.

That made Jamie laugh and wince a little. “Sorry. Yeah. Okay. No dying.”

“Or you could just tell your sister”, offered Babs just to sigh and lift her hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay, okay. I kno—ow you're not going to 'drag her into this'...”

Jamie narrowed his eyes at her in warning. The two were usually so close and agreed on everything. There was just one thing they might never agree on. And that was Jessie. Ever since their mother had died, Jamie had been the sole caretaker of his sister. Ten years. Jamie had only been sixteen himself back then. It figured that he would become overprotective, because that was the role he had always played in their relationship. The overprotective big brother, shielding her. Personally, Babs thought it would be easier to tell Jessie so Jessie knew where they went, so Jessie knew to care for the kids and knew what might happen to Jamie and Babs. But Babara knew she couldn't tell Jamie how to handle his own family. He'd have to make that decision himself.

~*~

“Don't think too hard, you might fry something.”

Babs scowled and turned to glare at Jessie. The brunette raised one eyebrow as she tried to look over Babara's shoulder at the newspaper. There was another article about Sagittarius, Cancer, Aquarius and Taurus. They were doing... good. Better than the first time Babs and Jamie had met them, really. Still, there was something about Aquarius...

“I'm picking the kids off from school later. Want me to get something from the store?”, asked Jessie.

“I... think we're good”, replied Babs and shook her head.

Lifting up the newspaper, Babs took a closer look, squinting at the photo some more. Jessie huffed.

“You want me to leave you and the newspaper alone...?”, asked Jessie.

“Ha, ha, ha”, drawled Babs unimpressed. “No. I... I gotta... uh... I gotta go.”

“Where? What—Babara!”, called Jessie after Babs.

But Babara was already out of the apartment, the newspaper in one hand, grabbing her leather-jacket with her free hand and hurrying through the bar, not minding anyone.

~*~

Reaching her destination, Babara started knocking on the door hard and repeatedly. A glare was etched into her features as the door opened. Moments later and the door opened to an unusually disheveled Tanya. Her normally so meticulously put-up hair was only in a loose pony-tail. She was wearing her favorite turquoise dress. Frowning at her, Tanya tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Babs? What... can I do for you?”, asked Tanya slowly. “It's been a while since you came over.”

Eyebrows drawn together in determination, Babs held the newspaper up and into Tanya's face. “That's you. Aquarius. That's you. Of course it's you.”

“Wh... What are you talking about?”, asked Tanya, the look of a deer in the headlights on her face.

“Don't lie to me, Tatiana Yevgeniyevna Tarasova!”, exclaimed Babara in warning.

It always paid off to learn middle-names – or in this case, father's names – for maximum efficiency of scolding. Tanya immediately looked like a scolded small puppy. Rolling her eyes, Babs pushed past her ex and into the apartment. It really had been a while since she had last been here. Things had been majorly awkward for a couple months after their breakup. Curiously, Babs looked around. It made her smile, because it still all looked exactly the same as she remembered it. After all, Tanya was not a fan of change, even the smallest. It had been very... tiresome for Babs back in the day, when Babs had been living with Tanya for a while. Everything had its very specific place and Tanya always fussed when it was out of place. That was, in retrospect, probably why the two had broken up because Babs considered herself creative-chaotic. They just clashed too often.

“You don't actually-”, started Tanya again, rather weakly.

“Tanya”, grunted Babs in warning, glaring at her. “I know your boobs.”

“...What?”, asked Tanya confused.

Babs rolled her eyes and motioned vaguely in the general direction of Tanya's chest. “Your boobs. I spent months sleeping on those. Among other things. I know them. And the rest of you. Like, that's you, in a very tight dress and sure with your hair open, but still it's you.”

Ducking her head with a troubled expression, Tanya joined Babs on the couch. “Did... Jamie figure it out too then...?”

Babs snorted and shook her head. “Please. That boy walked right past me when I had blue hair last year. You wear your hair open and put on a mask and he is completely lost. I love the boy, but he has absolutely no abilities to recognize people when they change their appearance.”

Tanya laughed softly and nodded. It was true. Jamie really sucked when someone changed a major part of their appearance. So Tanya, who always wore her hair pinned up, with flowing curls? That alone would already throw him off but an actual mask...? There was no way Jamie was going to figure this out, Babs knew that. Which only made things harder for her though...

“You have to promise me not to tell him”, stated Tanya, with a surprising amount of seriousness. “No one should know. You shouldn't either. But you have to promise to keep my secret, to not tell anyone. Not Jamie, not Basty, not Jessie. No one. You promise?”

Babs winced, even though she had known this was coming. “Of course I promise. I'm not one to spill other people's secrets, Tanya. You know that.”

And Tanya smiled at her confidently, knowing this to be true. Because it was. Which was a problem. Because heaven forbid that Babs can have it easy, huh? Just tell Tanya that Jamie was Leo and tell Jamie that Tanya was Aquarius and then they could all work together. It'd be so easy. But she knew she couldn't just tell Jamie's secret identity to anyone, not even someone she knew Jamie trusted. And now that Tanya had made her promise, she couldn't just go to Jamie either. Urgh.

“How? I mean, why? You're not exactly the type to... you know...”, drawled Babs awkwardly.

“It just... happened”, replied Tanya, tucking her hair behind her ear and frowning. “I just... it's a responsibility that I can't just shake off or ignore. That's not who I am, Varya.”

Okay, that was true. Tanya was a hard-working and serious person who never avoided any task, regardless of how hard it was. She wouldn't just duck out of becoming a hero. Still, Babs couldn't quite imagine Tanya battling monsters. Then again, supposedly she had already seen it. Aquarius. She had seen Aquarius and Taurus fight side by side.

“Oh... Your sword-fighting lessons”, drawled Babs with wide-eyes.

Tanya had learned traditional sword-dancing as a child and later on taken to learn sword-fight too, since she had already mastered the blade in her own ways. That did explain the big sword.

“The problem is that we have not much experience. Sure, we've been going out for over a month now. And we have some... vague... idea of what is going on, but I feel like Leo and Scorpio know more than us, but they... they refuse to work with us.”

Tanya frowned in frustration, balling one fist. Eyebrows knitted, Babara reached out to grasp Tanya's hand and try to sooth her a little. Tanya looked up and took a deep breath.

“You just... have to prove yourselves to them”, offered Babara gently. “They're a team and they don't know you. It figures that they can't just... trust strangers blindly? Who's to know who the good guys and the bad guys really are?”

“We!”, exclaimed Tanya annoyed. “We're supposed to know who the good guys are! There are twelve Zodiacs. They are supposed to be the good guys, the protectors!”

Babara knew that. But she wasn't supposed to know that; the general public knew nothing about what was actually going on and what the meaning of anything really was. They were just scared of all the monsters and knew some heroes were protecting them in colorful costumes.

“Oh, really?”, asked Babs in fake surprise. “What do you know? I mean, what is going on?”

It'd be a good chance to get a grasp on what the new guys knew compared to what Babs and Jamie knew. Tanya frowned for a moment before she got up and motioned for Babara to follow her to the bedroom. Even in there, everything was still the same, all the way to the exact position of the light-turquoise flower-vase next to the bed with exactly three white tulips in it. Babs remembered having regularly bought her girlfriend such tulips too, after she noticed that Tanya liked to keep them next to her bed. It always made the blonde smile in a cute, pleased way. Babara paused when she noticed that one thing had changed in this room. Her eyes widened in surprise as she looked at the wall opposite the bed. There had been some weird modern art piece of blues and greens and whites that was horribly obnoxious in Babs' opinion. Now it was gone and replaced by a large white board.

In Tanya's neat, nearly print-like handwriting were things written on it, magnets pinning pictures next to the writing. AQUARIUS, TAURUS, SAGITTARIUS, CANCER. In the upper left corner, in big, bold letters, each with a newspaper clipping with a picture of them beneath it. Not even self-taken photos. Clever. Just in case the wrong people followed her home and found this. There was a rounded square around the four, indicating that they were a team. In the upper middle of the board was written LEO and SCORPIO with a picture from last month's front-page. There were further notes scribbled in the circle around their names and pictures. Team Lionheart, potential allies. Beneath the LEO was also marked down fire-elemental, uses sword, incarnation of former leader. Mh. Interesting, but not surprising that their companions had given them some background information of past incarnations too. And yes, in most cases, Leo had been the leader. Zeus, the king of the 'gods'. Beneath SCORPIO, it said water-elemental, whip-wielder, wild-card. Babara grinned pleased by that. Be it Hermes or Serket or Abonde, Scorpio really had partnered with a wild array of different personalities, unlike say Cancer who had always picked the greatest, strongest warriors – Ares and Tyr and Sobek. Vaguely magic and healing and deliveries. A jack of all trades, as Scorpio had told her, which was why those under her patronage were always known for multiple realms – Hermes, the god of travelers and thieves and tricksters and the deliverer of the gods, Abonde, the goddess of magic, snow and misery, Serket, the goddess of healing and magic. And that suited Babs just right. Being so specialized in only one or two skills seemed rather boring to her. Jamie too, he had more than one specialization. The lightning of Zeus and Thor was as much the heavenly fire as Amun-Ra's sun-fire; still, lightning was a fire-power only Leo could control.

Shaking her head to make herself focus again, Babs turned toward the rest of the board. In the upper right corner it said LIBRA, with a large question-mark beneath; a picture missing. Potential enemy?, misguided? was written beneath it. Good questions that Babara couldn't answer either, sadly enough. When they had first met Libra, Babara had thought they had made an ally. The betrayal, learning that she was not on their side... Shaking her head again, this time more violently, Babs looked to see what else there was beside the ones she knew about too.

Much to her surprise, there was some new information on there. In the lower left corner, beneath GEMINI, was a dark, not good photo of a person in an ally at night. Looked like a screenshot from a surveillance camera. Frowning, Babs knelt down to see. Air-elemental, vigilante, works alone, uses batons, protects. Huh. That... That was actually news to Babara.

“Who's this? I never saw them in the news before?”, asked Babara innocently.

“Gemini. Or at least I think so. He – well, I'm actually not sure on that one, the costume isn't very revealing about body-shape or anything, really – has been working as a vigilante, since around the time Leo and Scorpio first appeared. I went through the local news all the way back to the date the Zodiacs arrived, to see if I can find any more. After all, there should be twelve. The only solid lead I found was a vigilante who has been keeping the streets at night safe. Beating up robbers and rapists, predominantly protecting girls who are out alone late. Usually, there is a symbol left behind with spray-paint, right above the tied-up criminal. Four lines that cross in a square. But I think it's not a square; I think it's a hastily drawn Gemini-sign”, explained Tanya. “Whoever it is, they're good though. Good at fighting and good at dodging people who try to approach...”

Babs hummed and made a mental note to look into this too. Interesting. She and Jamie had been wondering where the rest of the Zodiacs were too. Seemingly, Gemini really was the only one Tanya had a lead on though. VIRGO – earth-elemental, ARIES - fire-elemental, CAPRICORN - earth-elemental, PISCES - water-elemental, they all stood empty. Four Zodiacs still stood unaccounted for. Were they aligned with Libra...? Had they gotten lost at their arrival on Earth? Were they still training to not go out there completely unprepared? Or were they entirely declining the responsibility and danger of becoming heroes...? Who knew.

Babara sat down on Tanya's bed, leaning back onto her hands and looking at the chart. In dead-center, the villains. She grinned fondly at the name Tanya had given them.

“Snake Nest Villains?”, asked Babara amused.

“They're snake-themed”, grumbled Tanya with a faint blush. “Their leader is Serpentarius. Literally the snake-bearer. The second-in-command, from everything I've seen so far, is Serpens, the snake. Then Hydra and Hydrus. Sure, there are plenty of... one-off-minions. Constellations that... admittedly, mainly Scorpio and Leo had beaten. Monsters possessing innocent civilians. But those three – Serpens, Hydra and Hydrus – are the reoccurring ones. They're... bigger.”

“You're adorable”, grinned Babs fondly.

“Oh, shut up”, huffed Tanya embarrassed and crossed her arms over her chest.

But true enough, inside the largest circle, the one for the villains, she had written those four names the biggest, SERPENTARIUS in the center, the other three in a triangle around it. A sheet of paper was pinned there, a printed-out list of all 88 constellations, with those crossed out that Leo and Scorpio had already defeated. She really was diligent and loved details. Maybe Babs should get onto such a wall and list too. It would make the job easier. Then again... she lived with two nosy children and an equally nosy Irish woman. Such a chart would stay hidden for like half a day.

“Promise me you'll call when you're in a tight spot”, stated Babara after a beat.

“Varya, there's nothi-”, started Tanya with a chuckle.

Babara got up, standing to her full height in front of Tanya (and effectively being on eye-level with Tanya's boobs...), head tilted back to stare up at Tanya with her most serious look. It shut Tanya up.

“Promise me you will call if you're in a tight spot”, repeated Babs. “There are things I can't say, but if you need me, I will always be there to help you, Tatiana.”

Tanya nodded, albeit reluctantly. If Tanya took this clue to figure out Babs' secret all on her own, then good. If not, oh well. Babara was going to find a way to solve this mess sooner or later anyway. With a sudden, sunny smile did Babs pull Tanya into a hug.

“Stay safe, blondie”, whispered Babs softly. “Don't you dare get yourself killed.”

“I'll do my best”, promised Tanya with a chuckle, wrapping her arms around Babara. “Thank you.”

~*~

An hour later, Babara was once again knocking hard and obnoxiously against a door. It took considerably much longer for this one to open and the face greeting her was by far not as friendly as Tanya's. Sebastian Weinberg glared, hair messy, no shirt and pants on backward.

“Basty! My favorite cousin!”, exclaimed Babs with a bright smile.

“I'm your only cousin”, grunted Basty annoyed, ruffling his ginger hair. “And I thought I got rid of you when you moved out. What do you want...? I was busy doing... something.”

“Hello, Angel, I guess you're 'something'?”, greeted Babs, waving past Basty.

Angelique Lamour was flushed a bright red, less from embarrassment and more from... exercise, Babs guessed. She was wearing one of Basty's light-green hoodies and nothing else, rubbing the ankles of her long, pale legs against each other. Her fingers were playing with the thick, blonde braid laying over her shoulder, on her lips a smile that was pure amusement.

“Ye—ep. I'm something”, confirmed Angel lightly. “But it's okay. An orgasm gets better with built-up and delay anyway, so come on inside. What's going on?”

“A... Angelique!”, hissed Sebastian, his face dark-red. “You can't just-She's my cousin!”

“You're so cute when you're a prude, mon amour”, laughed Angel delighted. [French trans: my love]

Babara grinned impishly as she just ducked beneath Basty's arm and walked over to sit next to Angel on the couch. She used to live with them. Well, she used to live with Basty, back when they first moved to Los Angeles. And then, five years ago, after Angel and Jamie had broken up a few months prior, Basty finally got the girl. Oh, he had had a crush on Angel ever since he met Jamie's then girlfriend at the St. John's Pub. But he had thought he stood no chance with Angel, especially since Angel and Jamie had been dating. The fates were on their side though and after Angel and Jamie broke up, Angel found her way to Basty – and the two were just perfect together. Babs had never seen Basty with anyone the way he was with Angel. She brought out the best in him. Regardless of how cute she thought they were, they got rather obnoxious to live with after Angel started spending most of her days at their apartment, which was the reason she had ultimately moved out and decided to move in with Jamie and Jessie.

“No—ow, what's up, Babsie?”, asked Angel and threw her long legs over Babs' lap.

“Don't call me that”, groaned Babara and wiggled her nose.

“Aw, you're so cute”, grinned Angel and bopped Babs' nose.

Babs grumbled a little and got more comfortable. “Okay, so... hypothetically speaking... Say you know a secret from a friend and if you were to tell another friend, that would actually be beneficial to both parties. Do you tell the second friend or not...?”

“Mh...”, drawled Angel thoughtfully, twirling a bright-blonde strand around her finger. “If they will both benefit from it, then they would be grateful in the end, so I would tell them...”

Basty scolded, which was his default facial expression anyway. Far too serious. Babs raised an eyebrow, looking at her cousin and waiting for him to express what annoyed him.

“You shouldn't tell your friend's secret”, stated Basty as he started pacing. “Mel is... hiding something from me. And I would be rather mad if someone else were to tell me. Because that'd mean I hadn't yet earned the right to know that secret. Whatever it is, it's Mel's to tell and she will tell me once she's ready. I know that, so I'm not pushing and I wouldn't want for anyone to get involved, Babs. It's a matter of trust, simple as that.”

That gave Babs a pause. In a way, Basty was probably right. Even though she knew Tanya and Jamie could trust each other... in the end, it should be their decision when or if to trust each other about this secret. Groaning, Babs ran her hand over her face.

“Ange—el, this isn't the answer I wanted”, groaned Babs frustrated.

“Basty, mon amour, go get the ice-cream?”, requested Angel with a smile.

“And put on a shirt, cuz! No one wants to see that!”, called Babs out.

“Now, that's just factually wrong”, chided Angel, wagging her finger at him.

Babs chuckled and got more comfortable as she waited for her cousin to bring the ice.

~*~

“This looks like you've been... busy... What is this, Bee?”, asked Jamie carefully.

Babs bit her lips and looked up at him. Scooting over a little, she motioned for Jamie to join her on the floor, which he reluctantly did. Printed articles were spread out in front of her.

“Okay so I did a little bit of digging, because it's really weird that there are only seven out of twelve Zodiacs accounted for, right? And I found this. A vigilante who's mainly been protecting women from rapists at night and people from robberies. They always leave this sign on the wall where they leave the tied-up criminal for the police to find and I think it's the symbol of Gemini.”

Babs pointed at the crime-scene photos from a newspaper article three days ago. Some tied-up thug with the symbol sprayed right above his head. Jamie frowned and pulled it closer to look at the symbol. It just looked like the Roman number two, so it was a bit of a stretch...

“It makes sense, I guess. Became a hero too, but without a team, staying small-scale”, mused Jamie thoughtfully, tilting his head. “So, do you want to... track them?”

“I figured that could be interesting”, shrugged Babs with a grin. “See who they are, what they're up to. We're only two. We're supposed to be twelve, Jamie. We need to find and approach the others.”

“But-”, started Jamie with a serious frown.

“I know, I know, you still don't trust the Unicorn Princess Squad”, huffed Babs.

“Is... Is that really what they're called?”, asked Jamie doubtfully, frowning.

“It's what the newspaper dubbed them after seeing the unicorn and, mistakenly so, Aquarius look all princessy”, chuckled Babara amused. “They figure she's the leader and so far, Sagittarius is the only companion the newspaper caught on camera. I think it's cute and I'm glad we picked our own name before the news could. That'd have been a disaster...”

“Oh yeah”, grunted Jamie before he shook his head. “But no. I don't trust them yet.”

“They've done heroics all on their own”, argued Babs. “They took down Musca all on their own last week. If they are aligned with the bad guys, this would be the most fucking elaborate scheme to gain our trusts ever! You have to see that, James.”

Jamie frowned at that. It was rare for Babs to call him 'James'. Babara crossed her arms seriously and glared at Jamie, awaiting his answer. Running his hands through his hair, Jamie leaned back against the bed and sighed. He looked up at the ceiling with an even deeper frown.

“I'm still not convinced, Babs. I just...”, drawled Jamie.

“Jay, we're supposed to be a team of twelve. We are supposed to trust ten other heroes. If you keep standing in the way of that and keep rejecting anyone who offers to help us... then we will fail. Fail this city and planet and the whole purpose of why we got these powers”, argued Babs urgently, taking Jamie's hand. “Yes, this version of Libra betrayed us. Yes, she nearly killed you. Yes, you not breathing and nearly bleeding out in my arms will haunt me to my dying day. But that only means we really do need allies, so I will never have to stand there alone. So we have back-up. So we can liberate Libra from this human and find a worthy human host.”

There was doubt and caution in Jamie's eyes as he regarded Babs and mulled her words over. She knew he'd need some longer, but she also knew that she was right.

Read here on AO3!

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[evangelineartemiasamos]

I watched Hereditary last night and my first impression was what a bad horror movie it is. Especially after I saw it praised a lot.

To me, it’s an incredible mess. It throws in numerous horror tropes and themes like witchcraft, paganism, family tragedy, overacting, hauntings, lonely haunted houses, séance-ing, stalking, guilt, mental illness, gore, the stress of being an artist, grief, obscure-brooding soundtrack, unconventional cinematography, supernatual abilities, open-ending, possession etc etc while it fully commits to none of these themes. All of these elements are quickly forgotten and never fully explored or thought out. The result is a mash-up where nothing makes sense, which is insulting to the audience especially in the horror genre that relies so much on tropes (and often on harmful stereotypes, yes, it’s a shame).

A thing most horror movies have in common is a sense of harsh justice. You don’t have to agree with it, you might think it’s unjust and unfair in its own way, but for all the rule-breakings and unaccountable events, you see a sense and a why in the things happening. The contrast between the supernatural and this justice (and, in a way, the tropes and the formal storytelling) is a draw of the horror genre.

Hereditary doesn’t offer that. You don’t know why anything happens. Critics praise it for not having jump-scares but the soundtrack trying to create a scary atmosphere although nothing is actually scary counts as a jump scare to me too, though. Overall, the film-making felt like it was playing me: The camera drifts do nothing but making the pictures look less boring and the music often feels simply tacked on. You aren’t supposed to notice a good soundtrack, because it supports the mood in a subtle way. The soundtrack in Hereditary screams at you, “Look! It’s so scary! They are so dysfuntional!1! They’ll do something very bad in a moment!!” and it just annoyed me from the start of the movie.

The thing is, the movie itself is terribly conventional when outstanding horror movies are the opposite of conventional. They’re supposed to break rules, be ugly, depict immoral deeds, show dark desires, to challenge viewing expectations and be subversive and so on. But a white middle-class family living in a fancy house dealing with the loss of a family member is nothing new, and the storytelling, besides those random horror elements, doesn’t make it progressive or ground-breaking in any way, especially not compared to actually innovative and highly stylized horror movies like Hagazussa where those cinematic effects do serve the movie.

The only way I can make sense of Hereditary is regarding it as satirical of horror movies and its tropes by not respecting them. Horror movies certainly deserve criticism for their often harmful tropes while Hereditary avoids most harmful tropes. But I find it hard to make fun of the tragic fate of this family or not to take it serious, and only the most elitist tastes would be amused by such a dry, humourless satire. Unless the intention is to tell the horror audience how vile they are for being entertained by the tragic stories featured in the horror genre. But that would raise the question whether the existence of the horror genre is justified - which it is clearly is, or there would be neither the genre nor the fandom. There is an interest in horror stories, and denying that would mean Hereditary is a horror movie for people who don’t like horror movies (aka critics) while it’s trolling the horror fandom itself.

I should’ve just watched A Quiet Place instead.

[mangominaj]

Hi guys, so here’s a rough draft of a story/documentary I came up with. The whole thing is not base off any cannon event (I don't think). Let me know what you think, I’m new to creative writing and this format (documentary style) is a sort of adventure for me.

The Rodian Hostage Crisis

Narrator:

The rise of the Sith in the Republic began long before the rise of Darth Vader. One of the first signs was a mysterious attack on a group of younglings heading to Rhodian to start their education in biology and the force. This group of farming Jedi were never meant to enter combat, but their destinies did not include a peaceful start to their Jedi careers. Shortly after entering the system of Rodia, a rogue star cruiser pulled out of hyperspace behind the small Jedi spacecraft. The Jedi younglings, only accompanied by a Jedi Padawan, were ambushed by unknown adversaries. Only 3 of the Jedi survived the encounter, but their experiences helped historians map the ascendancy of the Sith in the most powerful Republic known to date.

Historian:

It was extremely tragic what happened. Imagine, such a young group of children, led by someone not much older than themselves, forced to face the dark side. The attack was clearly for the Sith to recruit apprentices. The Rule of Two does not restrict the Sith from having a selection of apprentices, and that's exactly what they needed. In the beginning, the Jedi’s presence in the Republic was very strong, and they did not foresee such a random and horrific attack. That was the first mistake that lead the Jedi to their downfall.

Narrator:

The ship the Jedi traveled in was small and under equipped for space battle. When the cruiser approached the Jedi they were at first confused and thought the ship to be a cargo vessel heading down to the planet as well. When the cruiser finally overtook the small Jedi craft, it was too late to try and outrun or escape the docking system of the Sith’s ship.

Survivor 1:

We were too young to suspect anything. The Sith had been away in hiding for so long, we would have never expected them to come out, especially for a small group of farming younglings. With no protection either, we had to fend off the imminent attack.

Survivor 2:

The Jedi council deemed us not fit for Jedi Knighthood, so we were sent to become farmers and biologists. It is a peaceful and knowledgeable existence, but we were all naive to believe that we would never have to fight.

Narrator:

The group of younglings, lead by their Padawan leader prepared for the intruders. They attempted to hide within the walls of the ship. The old transport had been through its fair share of trips, and the walls were easy to remove and hide in. This was an honorable attempt, but the Sith were not easily fooled. Not only could they sense their presence, their sharp perception allowed them to see the damage done to the walls.

Survivor 3:

They sensed our fear through the walls. But something the Sith did not see was one of our smallest classmates managed to climb through the ship behind the walls, into the control room. He somehow managed to send out a distress signal! It may not have been complete but it was just enough.

Narrator:

Yes, that short message was enough to put the Jedi on alert and go investigate.

Survivor 2:

I can’t believe how it happened. (Wipes a single tear). Just as he was able to start his message and call for help, one of the Sith entered the cockpit and sliced open the wall finding him. The Sith, with his hand around our classmates neck, brought him back and said; “Now, we don’t need the Jedi to come and spoil your new masters introductions do we?”. Hardly able to get out a squeak, the boy spat in the Sith’s face and yelled; “You will never be our masters!” Wow, he was so brave, I don’t know why he wasn’t chosen to become a Jedi Knight. (Wipes another tear).

Narrator:

That young boy sparked hope in the rest of his classmates hearts, but it did not last long. The Sith did not take kindly to the disrespect just displayed, so in one swift, cruel stroke, the boy was killed. The first fatality of the hostage crisis.

Narrator:

The Jedi were loaded onto the cruiser, but not as easily as the Sith had anticipated. After the first youngling was killed, the Padawan learner tried to attack the Sith, and yelled for the younglings to run. While the Padawan proved to be a good distraction, he/she was no match for the Sith. Very quickly they were all apprehended and dragged into the cruiser.

Survivor 1:

At that point we thought we were doomed. With only a Padawan to protect us we had no idea how we could be saved. We already lost one of the group and we had angered the Sith so we knew they were ready to kill another.

Narrator:

The young Padawan was brought to the deck of the cruiser while the rest of the younglings were brought down to the holding cell in the hull of the ship. They did not hear from the Sith or their Padawan protector for several hours.

Historian:

Meanwhile on the planet of Rodia, the incomplete distress signal sent by the younglings was received. The (Rhodians/Jedi/Republic) sent multiple responses, but to no avail. This worried them and a Jedi hub on Rodia signal was sent out to all ships in the surrounding system to search for the lost Jedi. This was the first outright attack on Jedi younglings in centuries, so the Jedis were caught off guard, therefore they had no plan of action. This slow response to the missing children was a critical mistake by the Jedi and Republic leadership.

Narrator:

The Sith had not realized that all the younglings were to become scientific Jedi, and not destined for combat. They decided that the Padawan had already learned too much from the Jedi and it would be too difficult to try and persuade her to the dark side. The easiest course of action would be to get rid of her.

Survivor 2:

Although we were not meant to become Jedi Knights, we still had strong force sensitivity. Even if we did not know how to understand the feelings of the force, we all sensed when they killed our Padawan escort.

Historian:

At this point the Sith had already gotten their hands too dirty and needed to leave the star system as soon as possible so they jumped to hyperspace. Just a little while after, a small freight cruiser stumbled upon the younglings transport. Having received the transmission about a missing cruiser from the surface of Rodia, the crew entered the ship and found the killed youngling, but there was no evidence of who had invaded the cruiser.

Narrator:

After receiving the transmission from the freighter, the Jedis immediately alerted the council on Coruscant and requested that a fleet be discharged to search the nearby systems for the perpetrators. Unfortunately for the Jedi, the Sith had already jumped to hyperspace and brought the younglings to their midway camp on Lannik.

Historian:

These midway camps were used to check the physical strength of the recruits and to drop off those not deemed fit enough to withstand the training.

Survivor 3:

We were off-loaded into a dark cave and forced to stand in a line. Each of us were then given a lightsaber and asked to ignite it. At that point I realized they didn’t know we had never been trained in combat before. Most of us had no idea how to even hold it right.

Survivor 1:

We were told that we were to begin the start to our training in the ways of the Sith. They tried to explain to us that we were chosen for a reason and that compliance would bring us to our rightful destinies. It wasn’t that we believed their nonsense, it was more so that we were too scared to try and fight back against them, so we followed their instructions and began their test.

Narrator:

The younglings were subjected to hard physical exams such as using the force to blindly dodge objects, use the lightsabers to destroy objects, and even use the force against each other.

Survivor 2:

After many rounds of us failing their tests, the Sith were fed up with our inexperience. They brought us down to a  new holding cell and told us to rest because in the morning there would be more exams to come. While walking down to the cell, a few of us noticed what seemed like a command room located in a hall near to the training room.  After the Sith had left us in the cell, the 7 of us younglings decided that the only way to escape would be to save ourselves. Thanks to us noticing that command room we planned in the morning during the exams we would split off into two groups, the first of three and the second of four.

Survivor 3:

The group of three would distract the Sith by throwing our lightsabers at the roof of the cave causing it to collapse, and the group of four would run to the command center we passed on the way down to the holding cell.

Survivor 1:

We thought that taking the distraction route would lead to our more imminent end, and we took that risk so the other could get away, but our plan did not fold out as we planned.

Narrator:

When it came time for the younglings to unveil their plan, the group of three threw their lightsabers and landed a successful hit to the roof, but as the collapse began, the room began to get blocked in half and the three were trapped in a small fully enclosed space.

Narrator:

The four others knew there was no time to was so as soon as the rubble began to fall they ran for the control room. When they reached it, two of them tried to block the entrance while the other two looked for the long distance communicator.

Narrator:

Once they found it, they immediately attempted to contact the Jedi council, but due to the damage from the cave collapsing the long range communicator was damaged and unusable. Trapped in the control room, the barricade they made was no match for the now nervous Sith and they without a seconds pause, killed all the younglings and ran off to find the rest.

Survivor 3:

Once again we all sensed the death of our comrades, but this time it was an immense feeling of loss and darkness.

Survivor 1:

At that moment, even though we were scared, we all decided it wouldn’t be the Jedi way to just wait there to die.

Survivor 2:

With the very little knowledge of the force we had, we together tried to use it to lift the rocks off of us so we could crawl out and escape.

Narrator:

Using their mustered up courage and young potential, they were able to make a small enough rift in the rocks and climb through. After escaping the rock slide, they ran for freedom towards a forest hiding the cave. The Sith meanwhile, found the younglings had escaped the cave and hopped on speeders to find them.

Historian:

The Sith realized they were in big trouble now, if the younglings escaped and somehow got back to the Jedi, their cover of mystery would be blown. Especially with Lannik being a Republic member, the younglings were quickly slipping through their hands.

Survivor 1:

We ran as far as we could, but night fell quickly and we had to stop. Lucky for us, the dense forest life surrounded us with the force which made it very difficult for the Sith to track us using the force.

Narrator:

The youngling were temporarily safe in their hiding spot, but hunger and thirst called for them to use survival skills and scavenge for food. Two days went by and they were able to avoid harmful toxins by cooking all their foods. But during an outing to find water one of the younglings was spotted by the Sith scanning the area on their speeders.

Survivor 2:

I was so caught up in looking for the clean water source that they snuck up on me. I turned around at the sound of a speeders engine whirring behind me. I started to run back to the camp when I tripped and rolled down into a swamp. I quickly noticed a cavern directly under the path where the Sith were chasing me. I ran into it and hid there waiting for the sound of the Sith speeders to disappear. Just as I was about to crawl out to see if it was safe to go back, I heard a hissing noise from above me. A young Newoongall jumped down from the roof of the cavern on top of me. Since it was small I was able to squirm out of its grasps but just as I was about to stand up, it scratched my leg. I didn’t notice the cut was poisoned until I was walking into camp and I started to lose consciousness.

Historian:

The Newoongall had poisoned the youngling and a child typically only lasts two days before the poison fully kills them. They were now running out of time.

Narrator:

With another night approaching and a youngling poisoned, the option of heading for civilization was unavailable. As the immobilization of the poisoned youngling kicked in, the younglings had run out of solutions. It would take a miracle for them to survive.

Survivor 3:

And a miracle is what came! A day after (Survivor 2) was poisoned, a group of Lannik surveyors stumbled upon our camp. At that point we were all so weak and helpless we couldn’t even ask if they were friends of the Republic. They loaded us into their trucks and took us to a medical center in the city of Palasia.

Narrator:

As the younglings were being treated, they were identified by the Jedi council as the missing children from Rodia. They were able to be picked up and commended by the council for their bravery. After some time to heal, they were properly escorted to Rodia and began their training. As for the council, they were not at ease. How could a direct attack on younglings occur and the deaths of five younglings and one padawan not be prevented. A sense of rising turmoil troubled the council, but with no leads or information on the mysterious Sith, they remained hidden until the beginning of the Empire.

[village-skeptic]

There are just so many damn things to pull out of this image, and some subsequent Googling to legitimate my initial knee-jerk reaction of "oh hello, William Faulkner" just seemed to bring into sharp relief a lot of interesting connections. These ended more as scattered remarks than as a full proper essay, but it still got long, ‘cause I don’t know any other way to be! 

So: thoughts about the symbolic aesthetics of this image; class, trash, and “timelessness”; a constellation of classic literature, film, TV, and pop music connections; and ideas about Jughead Jones in S2, below the cut. 

@lessoleilscouchants knows her Faulkner much better than I do, and so encapsulated brilliantly a lot of what I was going to say in her own observations about this aesthetic: “a semi-tragic narrative of class warfare, dead yellow grass, weighty history, bare feet on broken steps, useless resistance against the paths set out for them, and a general sense of doom.” I want to also add a theme from Faulkner's short story "Barn Burning": a son agonizing over whether he should remain loyal to his father in the face of that man's repeated crimes. The choice is complicated by the fact that his father's acts of destruction are clearly a form of protest against the family's place in the profoundly inequitable structure of their society. Hellllooooo FP, Jughead, and South Side Serpent feels! (Although I certainly hope that FP does not suffer Ab Snopes’ fate.)

I got to "Barn Burning" from this really great essay about the material culture of trash and waste in Faulkner's work. Jumping back to the campy elements of Riverdale, it certainly made me think about the ways in which we are all “trash” for this “trash show” - but it also made me move more broadly from the materiality of "trash" to remember that Faulkner's Snopeses are generally considered one of the most famous examples of "white trash" in American literature. (I am scare-quoting this term to be clear that I’m not just throwing it out there, but rather am bringing it up to analyze it.) Despite Jughead calling himself "a damaged loner outsider from the wrong side of the tracks" and Cheryl calling him "a hobo," I'm pretty sure that up to this point, no one on Riverdale has actually used a term that would seem to present itself very naturally: "trailer trash." (Again, not just throwing this term out there!)

This absence is interesting, especially considering the (seemingly increasing) importance of FP's trailer as a physical location where important plot points happen (*ahem*), and as a general shorthand for characterizing conflicts between FP and Jughead, the South Side and the North Side, and the issue of class within Riverdale generally.

And so now we get this beautifully composed image, which is just full of elements of entropy and decay and trash, in all the varied and loaded meanings of that term. I’m going to repost for scrolling convenience - many thanks to @musingmola for the original image of the tweet, and @jandjsalmon‘s close-ups.

There's the trailer itself, with discoloration of the siding - the old and tilting antenna - the bars on one set of windows (but not both) - the blue tarp on the roof at top left. As we know, this is a decaying and neglected home, both literally and metaphorically.

We have the selection of objects outside the trailer, which seem to have just accumulated there over time - there's that breakdown of order, the rejection of social rules about keeping a neat house. The objects SEEM random - an old hand mower, a washtub, the various scrap metal parts behind Jughead, the garden gnome - and there, too, we have that postmodern fascination with evocative fragmentation, with the potential in trash and pieces.

A quick note on "trailer trash," considered now as an identity category rather than as the actual physical objects surrounding the trailer. Although obviously non-white people can and do live in trailers, "trailer trash" is pretty much interchangeable with "white trash." And "white trash" is first and foremost a distancing term that lays down boundaries to try to contain problematic whiteness - whiteness that is poor, disorderly, violent, ungovernable; whiteness that threatens to disrupt and undermine the typical racialized social hierarchies. (This is not my insight - people like Annalee Newitz and John Hartigan, Jr., and most recently Nancy Isenberg have written much more thoroughly about the history, connotations and function of the term.)

Let’s go for the loudest detail first: that white tank top is such a loaded symbol in this context, you guys. It's SO loaded. We all know what the awful colloquial term for a shirt like that is. I don't totally buy the full explanation for the origins of the term here, but the observation that classic films (like Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire) cemented its symbolic association with violent, unstable, and I would add a sexualized working-class masculinity, is apt. 

(So: RAS commenting on the "timelessness" of this shot? Check. Possibly Jughead reaching into his own store of classic film symbology? Also check. I can’t find the promo image of Jughead in that weird jacket right now, but I want to point out that this isn’t the first Brando aesthetic nod we've gotten for S2. I STILL need to know who the fuck Stefano is!) 

That bandaged hand is straight-up evidence of previous violence; that wary look and the tense posture implies the promise of more to come, as needed. I am NOT, of course, suggesting the connotations of the shirt as an explanation for that injured hand in this case! Just observing on the general aura of trouble. 

Furthermore. This kid normally lives in layers of clothing, and now we've got him down to that ever-so-symbolic sleeveless top, sitting resignedly outside his family home? Way to underscore the idea that the circumstances of Season 2 are going to strip down all those layers, and make Jughead grapple with who he is, where he comes from, where his loyalties lie, what he's afraid of being underneath it all, etc. 

Jughead's fascination with writing and film, particularly auteur film - I'm now thinking about that as a layer of cultural armor against being called "white trash." Like, I don't think it's feigned or anything - but it certainly has the happy side-effect of being a way to forestall those accusations of a lack of culture. He's not TRASH; he's a WEIRDO. He's on the fringes, but that gives him the power of insight that you lack. (I should also point out here that @foresightfromforsythe has been doing this Jughead-as-trash-king analysis piece by piece for months now. Whoever runs that account is brilliant.)

The idea of concealing or revealing your fears about who you are and what you've inherited from your parents, got me thinking about another one of my beloved TV shows, in which the main character creates a new identity that allows him to escape the childhood wounds inflicted by poverty, a troubled, alcoholic father/son relationship, and repeated maternal rejection. And I realized that nearly any time that Don Draper is getting touch with his inner Dick Whitman, white sleeveless undershirts come into play in EXACTLY the same ways I've been talking about above.

Dick Whitman and his “Uncle” Mack:

Dick Whitman in the moments leading up to the creation of Don Draper:

And then I got lost in considering the fact that Don Draper's father's name is ACTUALLY ARCHIE; the whole Betty connection; and that in one memorable episode, Don Draper hallucinates about sleeping with a character played by Madchen Amick and then strangling her to death. I don't think that any of that is actually all that useful in reading this image or the direction of Season 2 - I'm not arguing that Jughead is Don Draper - but it sure was fun to think about.  

Of course, the connection to Mad Men also gets us to some of the criticism leveled at that show - that it was more in love with its own aesthetic than with exploring the historical issues of the period, and particularly the racial tensions of the 1960s. I'm not going to rehash that debate here, but I *will* observe that Riverdale also loves its aesthetic and has also received some criticism about needing to make its non-white characters more fully realized. There's always the possibility that Season 2 is going to do the "Civil War" storyline in a way that centers mood and aesthetic, which, like, clearly I HOPE IT DOES, but there are ways to do that with more and less heft, you know? I know I'm going to love it one way or the other - for me, it's honestly enough for this show to be Teen Peaks/Maple Syrup Murder Hour, without necessarily saying that it must also be Let Us Now Praise Famous Men. But it's going to be interesting to see just how seriously the showrunners decide to engage with this theme.  

Because of course, a predilection for surface-level engagement is another interpretation of the image. For everything that I've just said about trailer trash above, God knows that there is also a certain type of undeniable (and undeniably comfortable) cultural capital in the melancholy aesthetic of rusty metal and decaying trailers and lithe young white men showing off their defined biceps in sleeveless T-shirts. (CS himself also seems to love to play with and remix this aesthetic in his photography and personal aesthetic.) It's the minor-key version of Americana. We might call it, as Everlast does, "White Trash Beautiful."  

(Please note: this is the potential departure point for a whole other Current Events meta on the cultural politics of nostalgia and the romanticization of an idealized version of the white working class, which - in short: please make smart and savvy choices, RAS!)

Anyway, now that I've gone and broken the seal on musical connections here, it's time to say that I probably could have just copy/pasted the lyrics to Modest Mouse's "Trailer Trash" here and been done with it. (Here's a great little essay on this song at Pop Matters.) 

The ephemeral "trash" of plastic forks and paper plates; the "short love and a long divorce"; calling the people you love "fakes" when they try to compare their trauma with yours, and then realizing that you need them anyway and apologizing as best you can: is there anything more 1x10 Jughead than this? It'll be interesting to see whether it turns out to be S2 Jughead as well. 

[mysticalmindblog]

How often do you ask yourself, "Why can't I ever feel any sense of peace in my life..?"

It's a good question to start off this blog article. The quote states you do indeed possess inner peace, always have, always will. Does that sound right to you..? I can tell you that for a good percentage of people, it doesn't at all feel that way. So what is the contrary alternative to inner peace that seems a lot more prevalent..?

Anxiety: Anxiety Disorders affect 18.1 percent of adults in the United States (approximately 40 million adults between the ages of 18 to 54). - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). Current estimates put this number much higher - approximately 30 percent - as many people don't seek help, are misdiagnosed, or don't know they have issues with anxiety.

According to The Economic Burden of Anxiety Disorders, a study commissioned by the ADAA and based on data gathered by the association and published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, anxiety disorders cost the U.S. more than $42 billion a year, almost one third of the $148 billion total mental health bill for the U.S.

Anxiety can be defined as a feeling of concern, worry, nervousness, or panic. It is mostly associated with an imminent situation, especially events and situations that have a variety of uncertain possible outcomes. Basically this definition shouts volumes given the state of mind that the vast majority of people live in on a daily basis. The keyword is 'uncertain'.

I could go into a lengthy ramble about uncertainty, and how we humans have this strong urge to be able to predict the future, but instead, I will just say that through a regimen of meditation, it is possible to deactivate that obsession, and instead live mindfully 100% in the present moment. A future blog post will cover a quote about it in-depth, as I have wrestled many times with the uncertainty in my life, to the point of despair, and have a lot to say about it. Getting back to 'Inner Peace', and acquainting yourself with your own inner worlds, I can promise you that regardless of how much stress and anxiety you have in your life, you absolutely can achieve a state of mind where you feel deeply peaceful. Don't let your stress and anxiety deceive you.

The Deception with a Stranglehold on your Mind

The first deception is that if you are facing a situation with unknown results, you can "Figure things out...", if you give enough time to thinking (worrying) about them. Truly, it will never work. If you worry, or if you don't worry, the outcome will be the same. While wanting the best and most beneficial result, we tend to always imagine the worst possible scenario as the one that will most probably happen, and we then magnify the dread we feel, and it becomes a tightness in the chest, and a lump in the throat. The tragic thing is that so many individuals live in a perpetual state of anxiety on a daily basis. Regardless of your age, stress and anxiety can lead to high blood pressure, a loss or increase in appetite, diabetes, hair loss, heart disease, and even a stroke. All because of a 'State of Mind' that we have the power to overcome, but don't, because we have become so used to suffering in that form that we regard it as normal.

Danger

Anxiety can arise over the simplest of things, in the view of others, but not to you. Something simple to one can be another's mountain to scale. However, there is also the kind of anxiety which I call 'Infectious Anxiety', an example of which could be if you are unfortunate enough to have to work in an atmosphere where there are individuals who consistently act and communicate negatively, and carry around their own anxieties for all to see. You can quickly end up becoming just as negative and anxious as them simply by virtue of not guarding your mind adequately enough. We humans are hard wired to be creatures of instinct, with knee-jerk emergency environmental responses; in other words, we carry the capacity via the sudden release of the hormones adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol to swiftly react to a crisis situation, especially when that situation appears to involve danger, such as a threat to our life, or to the life of a loved one.

The problems arise when we feel like we have to constantly be on alert, that if we aren't vigilant then a looming catastrophe will befall us.

It's like we are running around frantically trying to see into the immediate future, imagining it to be full of monsters and disasters - so we are perpetually in a state of heightened anxiety and stress, expecting that crisis situation. Subsequently we can burn out daily as a result of the hormonal imbalance resulting from the anxiety.

So what's the solution..?

Allow me to throw one word at you: ACCEPTANCE.

Life will surely be unpleasant for everyone, at some point in time. It's just like that. As the old saying goes "S**t happens!"

Worrying will not stop it. When I used to whine and complain about something I was worried about, as a teenager, to my Father, he would never fail to remind me, "Son, if you worry, you die. If you don't worry, you die. So, why worry..?"

Of course, it wasn't until years later that I would recite that to myself as a mantra, fully understanding it's profound depth, and simplicity.

OK, so, stop worrying, and accept that life is intrinsically challenging, and that if things can go wrong, they probably will, right..?

You have it partially right. Yes - stop worrying... Yes - life is intrinsically challenging...

Now, whether or not things can go wrong - an individual only has so much control over the inanimate impermanent things around him, and the results of situations playing out can rely upon an almost infinite amount of variables that control is impossible, especially when other people are involved.

So I should just stop caring about what's around the corner and hope for the best..?

No. Definitely not. Care enough about the next moment that you give this present moment 100% mindfulness. Simply, live for the moment you are in giving it all of your attention and mind power. If you have a test paper to write, that needs to be turned in tomorrow, don't delay; get yourself sat down with your laptop, put your 100% mindful concentration into the task, and focus on nothing else until you finish. Once, finished, mindfully review it several times for errors and mistakes. Once satisfied, and document is saved, close the laptop, and move on to whatever is next to do. Just keep your mind clear and mindful, toss out noisy thoughts that hinder you and your progress, and throw your 100% concentration into whatever task you are working on next. Some call this 'Living Life Deliberately'.

The concept of living solely in the moment you are living was extensively studied and practiced in Taoism and Buddhism in ancient times, and there are vast volumes written and translated about the practice - however it definitely isn't a difficult concept to understand - it just can take time to perfect, as with anything; practice makes perfect.

- Right, I get it. I will try that. But how do I find this inner peace and get to enjoy it..?

Acceptance. As I said, accepting yourself for who you are, accepting the fact that you will always have challenges, accepting that you need to think more of the present moment, and not of the next or previous moments.

Take some time to sit down quietly, close your eyes, and just relax, clearing your mind of noisy thoughts. Embrace the now, embrace the current moment, and deliberately quieten the mind. This in essence is what meditation is, quietening the mind, being in the present moment but doing nothing but being still, and fully conscious, while throwing out all the mental noise, random thoughts, and questions.

What is left is a peaceful mind, pure consciousness with no nonsensical distractions or noisy thoughts. There's your inner peace, it was always there, buried under layers of noise, stress, worry, and anxiety. Welcome to your inner world.

Stay a while, and visit often.

Did worrying ever help..? No.

Footnote:

Do you still worry sometimes..? Yes, only now when it occurs, I see it as an invasive feeling, and quickly shut it down, turning back to what I am doing in the present moment and focus.

Again, I want to take the opportunity to recommend meditation as a vital tool to dealing with your mind and the various tortuous thoughts and fears that can plague it. Until you take your last breath, your mind will attempt to clutter up with noise and imaginary crisis scenarios, anxiety is a tricky, nasty state of mind, deceptive, and always causes suffering. There will be times when you will just have to find some 'solo' time, and quieten the mind while mindfully focusing on the very moment you are in.

[sally-mun]

As someone who hasn't, wouldn't, and won't be experiencing Major/Minor (or whatever it was called) could you perhaps analyze more specifically some of the things you felt were missteps more in depth, so others who decide they might want to make a visual novel or even just a story, might be able to avoid the same issues? I realize this might not be your area of interest, but I'm always interested in these kinds of analyses.

Man, where do I even begin.

I suppose I should start by saying that this game could have been fine; I don’t necessarily hate this game for the story, even if I think it’s uninspired. I play lots of point-and-click games and usually enjoy them (even the stupid ones) so long as they have merit in one area or another. But that’s the core of the problems with Major/Minor: It has NO merit to work with. Its construction shows absolutely no understanding of this genre of game design. Or of writing. Or of entertainment in general. Or of simply respecting one’s audience.

First and foremost, let’s discuss visual novels.

The critical difference between a novel and a visual novel is interactivity; a novel is a set and done deal that takes its readers along for the ride, whereas a visual novel invites the readers to be part of the ride itself. The direction of the story is influenced by the player, and this allows them to personally take ownership of later events. It’s the sort of game that tries to put you in the role of the protagonist in the most direct form possible. Like other first-person games your view as a player is exactly that of the character you’re playing, but in a VN’s case it’s like reading a comic book in a choose-your-own-adventure format.

Major/Minor not only fails on both the visual and novel elements, but it also fails when combined as a visual novel.

1) Visual

For the most part, visual novels don’t have a lot of action. They primarily consist of conversations with NPCs and usually take place in static locations. For this reason, both the characters and the environments need to have a lot of personality. Players need to feel like they’re actually having conversations with the characters and that they’ve entered a unique location that sees real use. This is the red, meaty center of how VNs engage and gratify their players.

Designing characters in a visual novel is about more than giving each one a different face; it’s about giving each character enough of a range of actions and emotions to sell the idea that the character is actually interacting with you, and in a way that’s truly unique from every other character. In real life, people do all sorts of crap when speaking: Our expressions change, we gesture with our hands, our posture varies, and sometimes we even have small ticks associated with certain topics or emotions. Between these visual cues and the actual discussions themselves, players ought to know the NPCs well enough to be able to describe them like real-life friends by the end of the game.

This brings us to Major/Minor’s first serious offense: Every character has one face. Typically in a VN, each character has a minimum of half a dozen expressions, poses, and gestures/ticks to match the different emotions they’ll need to exhibit over the course of their conversation topics. The characters in Major/Minor can only make a single expression and pose throughout the entire game, which immediately leads to some seriously disjointed discussions. It’s hard for me to take a character seriously when they say they’re angry with me when the art staring through the computer screen is bright, cheerful, and apparently mid-laugh. Sorry, NPC #672, I really don’t care that you’re allegedly on the brink of tears, because your singular piece of character art is so smarmy and mischievous that I forgot you were trying to tell me something tragic.

What makes this even more annoying is that most of the characters DO have a secondary piece of art, but it’s only ever used ONE time as an introduction to a new character before the game chucks it in the bin and we never see it again. Each character COULD have had at least two expressions if the dev had planned his commissions carefully enough, buuut instead he chose to get two shots that are barely distinguishable from one another so there could be a ~=*FLOURISH*=~ when we see someone for the first time. Granted, two per character still isn’t anywhere near enough, but it’s a hell of a lot better than just one! It makes me wonder why he bothered to spend the money on a second image for each character at all, since half of these commissions only get about 10 seconds of screen time. What a waste.

And hey, speaking of wasted opportunities, let’s talk more about the environments! Lots of visual novels don’t spend much energy on their backgrounds, and although that’s usually fine (albeit not my first preference), Major/Minor seriously needed to think more about its settings. For the moment I’ll ignore the laziness of the fact that the backgrounds are generic photos with a blur filter over them; what’s more important is that this game loves to tell us all kinds of random crap about the rooms we’re in, especially during the scenes that take place in Japan. This game would’ve benefited dearly from simply having more detailed backgrounds and just letting us observe the goings on of the room on our own. Y’know, because that makes it more... visual.

Honestly, if it were me, I would’ve taken it all a step further and gone full-blown Ace Attorney on the environments. In AA games, investigating the scene is very important because you have to look for clues. I’m not saying Major/Minor needed to let you hunt for items, but I do think that it could’ve cut a ton of random information from the text by simply letting us inspect the backgrounds. That way the players that want to know what a kotatsu is can find out on their own time and players that already know or don’t care can move on.

Something else that would’ve brought the game a much-needed boost of interest is cut scenes. As noted earlier, visual novels don’t tend to have a lot of action, so when something physical DOES happen, it makes an impact. One way to maximize that flash of excitement is with a cut scene – or at least, the visual novel equivalent of one. A “cut scene” in a VN isn’t typically a full motion video like most video games boast; it still makes use of a static image, but it’s an image whose quality far surpasses that of the rest of the art in the game. Maybe it’s abnormally large and the camera slowly pans across for dramatic effect, or maybe it’s a scene drawn from an interesting angle that isn’t the player’s POV. Some games take this even farther and really do animate their cut scenes a bit (usually on par with a nice animated gif). Lots of VN cut scenes make use of sound effects or action-specific music cues to keep the player emotionally involved with the scene, as it’s a moment that’s out of the player’s control.

Major/Minor, on the other hand, does none of this. Much like the drought of facial expressions, the game simply pelts you with paragraph after paragraph to tell you about the events taking place around you, rather than simply letting you see for yourself and be, y’know, involved. Even a handful of cut scenes that had some real effort put into them would’ve really given this game some pep. Not only would it have kept me engaged as a player, but it would’ve weeded out even more unnecessary narration.

Oh, and speaking of weeding shit out of the text…

2) Novel

The writing in this game badly, badly needed to be edited. Like, so badly it makes me physically hurt from how poorly this text is constructed. I’m not talking about the simple things like misspellings and failed capitalizations, I mean BIG mistakes, like sentence fragments and improper conjugations and completely misusing some words all together. It’s also excruciatingly repetitive. Never in my life have I ever seen prose that recaps itself so frequently – sometimes literally within minutes of the event that it’s reminding you of. It even recaps itself within the same block of text a few times.

It’s pretty obvious the dev never allowed a seasoned editor to proof the text, but it’s so unbelievably bad that I’m not even sure the dev himself ever gave it a second glance. It reeks of being a first draft that was never once revisited; actually, it strongly reminds me of the sort of stories I myself wrote when I was about 13. At that time I wanted so badly to write big, dramatic stories! Stories that had deep themes and lots of intrigue! With a complicated plot and several subplots!! And lots of characters that would all totally be different and completely matter!!!! But the problem was I was so wrapped up in wanting to make my stories big, impressive epics that I stretched myself way too thin and everything came out incredibly shallow. It’s honestly kind of eerie to think back on the things I wrote as a kid while I play this game. The similarities are so striking that I can’t tell if this is something the dev wrote at that age and just never decided to polish, or if he did write it as an adult but has the writing skill-level of a teenager.

But honestly, I’d overlook all the technical flaws and melodrama this guy could throw at me if he would just show and not tell. “Show, don’t tell” is one of the oldest rules in the book when it comes to storytelling, and for good reason: Telling instead of showing is not only fucking boring, but it treats the reader like an idiot. If a writer knows what they’re doing, they shouldn’t have to tell, because they’d just demonstrate those things instead.

For example, let’s examine another huge flaw with the writing: Incredibly shallow characterizations. Early in the game the player meets a character named Rook. Rook is very rude. I know this because the game tells me. All. The. Time. I legit don’t remember how many times the game has mentioned that Rook is rude at this point. The dev seems completely oblivious to the notion that you don’t have to tell the player these things. You can just… write Rook as being rude. Trust me, my dude, I can figure out if a character is an asshole or not. Not only can Rook’s rudeness be demonstrated by how he treats me as a player, but it can be further reinforced by other characters reacting to him in a put-off manner. If you’re so concerned that I won’t pick up on the fact that Rook is a rude person just based on how he behaves, then you’re doing it wrong, end of discussion.

But then, as I said, the characterizations are shallow in general. Everyone tends to have their one basic trope and the story rests on the idea that you know what the character is. None of the scenes go out of their way to really dig into who someone is – which is kind of amazing, honestly, since the prose is so obsessed with making sure you know the most inane and unrelated shit half the time – and even after I’ve known a character for several chapters they still feel like a cardboard cut-out to me.

To be honest, I’m kind of impressed by the sheer volume of ways that Major/Minor fails at showing instead of telling. It tells you what characters are like instead of just letting you interact with them, it tells you about the places you visit instead of just letting you view them, it tells you every single time the characters have a mood shift or expression change because it couldn’t be bothered to give them each more than one face, and it hamfists unnecessary information into the script where it’s unneeded and interrupts the scene – and THEN, it makes SURE you notice that it’s telling instead of showing by repeating those things over and over and over again!

All of this is further exacerbated, by the way, because the dev has no idea how to tell a story in the first place. Even with all the above flaws, I miiight have still been able to enjoy this game if it was just a compelling narrative in any sense of the word at all. I will happily deal with poor construction and telling-not-showing if the story still has some intrigue. Even a flawed story can have a mind-blowing plot and keep you reading just to find out what happens next, right? I thought so too, until I realized that Major/Minor goes SO far out of its way to spoil its own plot that it frequently makes you sit through scenes that you, the protagonist, are not even present for. Yes, in a game that’s built upon being a first-person experience, the story will slam on the brakes and take you OUT of the protagonist’s shoes to make you sit by as an observer to events that probably would’ve been an great reveal later on had the dev just kept his mouth shut.

3) Visual Novel

So the visuals suck and the writing sucks, but hey, lots of games get by without investing much in those areas. Could Major/Minor pull it together and at least give the player an interesting mechanic? Hahahaha no, of course it didn’t. As far as the gameplay is concerned, Major/Minor is so bad that in many ways I hesitate to even call it a game.

The cornerstone of visual novels is making choices. They can range from serious decisions that determine the overall outcome of the game or small cosmetic details, but either way, the core of this gaming style is putting the player in the driver’s seat as often as possible. When playing Major/Minor, however, the player is strapped into a straight jacket, blindfolded, and tossed into the trunk of the damn car. This game is so reluctant to surrender control of the narrative that it’s not uncommon at all to go through entire sections of the game having made no choices whatsoever. It fails so spectacularly as a visual novel that I’d be willing to bet that the dev had never played one before. He is astonishingly disinterested in what makes a visual novel enjoyable to the player.

There’s a principle in game design called Illusion of Control. The goal of this idea is to allow the player to feel like they’re in charge of the game while actually keeping them within strict boundaries. It applies to a lot of games, but it’s especially important in visual novels. Players need to be able to dictate how the story progresses, even if some of those choices make no real impact on outcomes. For example, players can enter conversation trees with NPCs that seemingly offer a lot of control – perhaps the player chooses the discussion topics, or can decide if they want to be shy or snarky in their replies – and yet at the end of the scene there could realistically be no change to the story’s progress. The greater point is that the player feels like they handled the conversation the way they wanted to. This allows them to still feel like they’ve gotten somewhere and that they accomplished something.

Major/Minor appears to scoff at the very idea of this, like the game’s worried you’ll cramp its style if it gives you too much power.The player is allotted no input whatsoever on how the PC treats the other characters, what subjects to discuss, where they’d like to go, how to react to the actions of other characters… It’s truly mind-blowing just how consistently the game misses opportunities to allow the player even the illusion of control. For example, there’s a scene where the player character (PC) is awakened in the middle of the night by a pounding on the door, and no options are offered on how the player would like to handle this. A better game might allow the player to choose if they want to pretend to keep sleeping, or call out to whomever is knocking, or try escaping out a window, or crack the door open to see what the person wants. Even if it’s an absolute necessity to the plot that this person enters the room, it’s still better to let the player choose, because there are a plethora of ways to redirect each of those options back around toward the character getting in.

Unfortunately, Major/Minor is just too damn lazy to be bothered with gameplay, and the PC just lets the stranger in with no input from the player. Soon after, the stranger attacks the PC, which would again be a prime opportunity for lots of reactionary options: The player could duck! Or the player could punch their assailant! Or maybe they could kick instead! Maybe they’d try to run away or call for help! Buuut no, Major/Minor really doesn’t care what you want YOUR CHARACTER to do, and it’s already decided that you’re going to put up no fight at all and immediately pass out. It’s by far one of the most unsatisfying things I’ve ever experienced in a video game.

The disconnect between the player and the protagonist is so extreme that I honestly don’t feel it’s a fair assessment to refer to the protagonist as the “player character.” It’s not uncommon for visual novel protagonists to speak in the first person, but in most games it feels like the PC is speaking on your behalf because they’re acting according to your will. The protagonist of Major/Minor decides so many things for themself that it stopped feeling like “my” character a very, very long time ago. This character isn’t me and never was; it’s the main character of a book that I didn’t ask to read, who very occasionally pauses to ask my opinion on something.

HEY HOWDY HEY SPEAKING OF PAUSING… If you boot this “game” up for a session, you’d better hope you have plenty of time on your hands to get through it, because you’re at the dev’s mercy for when you can save your progress. Being able to save anytime you want is a staple of visual novels because 1) people read at wildly different paces, and 2) for many people, excessive reading makes them tired. Not only that, but sometimes life just plain gets in the way and you have to pick up and go on short notice. Major/Minor ignores all of these factors and leaves the player relegated to appointed checkpoints throughout the game.

Now, I’m not necessarily saying that checkpoints are inherently bad, but they do need to be used very, very wisely. Any game (VN or otherwise) that doesn’t allow the player to save anytime they want needs to be sure checkpoints are reasonably close from any given location, and furthermore that they’re spaced at regular intervals. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, however, the dev flushed that idea down the toilet along with what was left of his common sense and parents’ love. Sometimes Major/Minor stacks save points practically back-to-back within the span of a few minutes, and in other cases I’ve literally played for over and hour before the game finally rewarded me with the option to save.

There’s no discernible pattern or technique that I can detect for when save points are bestowed on the player; you’re not even guaranteed an opportunity to save when the game switches chapters! I would say that I can’t fathom why the dev thought this would be a good idea, but let’s not kid ourselves here, it’s clear that the dev never thought this through in the first place. If he had, he might’ve noticed that players being uncertain about whether or not they’ll be able to save their progress discourages them from playing at all.

Also, before I fully move on from the game design, I just wanted to make a brief side note about the music. To be honest, I turned the music off a VERY long time ago, so I don’t even remember what it sounds like; however, I’ve read that all of the music in the game is from the free assets you get in RPG Maker. I’ve further read that the free assets (both audio and visual) were the entire reason the dev decided to use RPG Maker for this game in the first place, in spite of the fact that there are other programs out there specifically geared toward making visual novels. This is worth mentioning because it further highlights just how lazy this entire game is. It’s not a sin to use free program assets – that IS what they’re there for, after all – but when you ONLY use the free assets and then advertise your game on Steam for being sooo creative and original, AND have the gall to charge $20 for it?? Yeah, that’s a gigantic slap in the face.

Speaking of Steam, you’d think a game like this would’ve been weeded out by the gaming community for being the garbage that it is, right? After all, there’s a ranking right at the top of the page showing the proportion of good and bad reviews it’s gotten, and right now it says the feedback is “very positive.” I will say that I do take community feedback into consideration when I’m thinking about a game that I haven’t otherwise heard of before, and my misstep with this game has definitely taught me a valuable lesson. When I saw that the game is ranked “very positive” and I scrolled down to see several glowing reviews, I felt that was sufficient enough research to know if the game was worth my time and money.

However, upon trying out the game and realizing just how badly I’d been deceived, I did a little more digging. As it turns out, the dev is known for flagging negative reviews as “abusive” and getting them deleted, allowing him to effectively filter out the bad press so long as he can make some kind of a case to Steam. This debacle has taught me that it’s not enough to scroll to the bottom of a Steam page for user reviews, as those tend to be the most recent; what you do instead is click the “Read all [x] reviews” link, as those reviews are sorted by popularity. THIS is where you’ll find the reviews that the community has deemed the most helpful and informative, and in this case, it’s like night and day. ALL of the highest-ranked reviews of Major/Minor are negative, and the numbers are staggering. Literally HUNDREDS of people have ranked these terrible reviews as helpful, and most of them are in the 80-90% range on agreement. You have to load more reviews four times to find even one single positive post, and once you do start getting into the positives, the upvotes are significantly fewer.

SO, in conclusion...

I want to say that’s about all I have to give on this subject, but the sad truth is it’s not. I could probably critique this game line-by-line, moment-by-moment, if I really wanted to. Fortunately for my sanity, I really don’t want to. … Not right now, anyway. I’m sure I’ll lose it at some point and decide to go through and count all the missed opportunities in the game or something, but I won’t be doing that right now, thankfully.

So in the vein of others learning from the mistakes of this game: If you were thinking about buying Major/Minor, don’t. If you bought it a while ago during a sale and were thinking about starting to play it, don’t. If you’re interested in making a visual novel and wanted to learn from this game’s mistakes… Well granted there’s a lot to learn about what not to do, but still, don’t give this lazy, deceptive dev any more money. Learn from this guy’s shortcomings based on the feedback of players. Hell, read or watch a Let’s Play if you really want to experience it first-hand. Just please don’t buy and play this game. As a favor to ME, please don’t buy and play this game.

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