#and hitting includes all my shit and myself lol. and here i thought video games would hepp distract me but whatever

[friedhands]

Bangningg my head against anaything reminds me of when I did it as a child...ahhh nostalgia or whateever

im so fucking done

[wickymicky]

my top 10 favorite kpop singles of the first half of 2021

i did one of these at the end of march, for the first quarter of the year, and this is my update for the second quarter, which obviously is also the first half of the year lol. so like, that’s kind of a big deal, we already know half of all the kpop that will be released this year, and im starting to have strong favorites that all the stuff from the second half of the year will have to struggle to beat, haha. 

rather than do a big thing like my year-end list that i did at the end of 2020, i’m gonna limit myself to just three sentences per song for songs 10-6, and five sentences for the top 5 songs haha. if these songs are good enough, and they stay high on my list all the way through to the end of the year, then i’ll post big full-size reviews of them then, i guess. or if you want to know more of what i think about something, or why i put something where i did, feel free to ask me about it lol, i love having discussions about this kind of stuff

anyway here’s the list

10: Lunarsolar - DADADA This is kind of a surprise pick for me lol, and I’d be lying if I said that at least half of the reason I wanted to include it here wasn’t just because I want more people to know about this song, and also to surprise people with an interesting pick haha. But genuinely, I think this song is really solid, there aren’t many flaws with it that I can even think of, and I’ve listened to it a ton since it came out. It’s such a fun song, and if you like girl groups and you don’t know this song, then I highly recommend it haha

9: Rocket Punch - Ring Ring When I saw the teaser images, I thought this would be a disco concept, and like it kind of is... but only in the visuals lmao, the song seems pure 80s synthwavey stuff, more like Everglow La Di Da than GFriend Mago (and I’m into that, personally haha). This was a really cool comeback for this group, and I’m continuing to get more and more into them with each new thing they do! I don’t really have a lot to say about it, but it’s just fun and catchy and bright and loud and good, and yeah, it’s a song I’ve really enjoyed listening to a lot, which is really all that you need in order to make it on this list, you know?

8: Cherry Bullet - Love So Sweet This song feels really simple to me, but in a good way! It really feels like the songwriter(s) had a really good idea one day, and wrote a song for it immediately, rather than trying to start a song and come up with ideas as they went haha. It feels like everything in the song is in service to that underlying idea, and everything helps bring it to life more

7: Itzy - In the Morning (or Mafia in the Morning, whichever you prefer. I just tend to call it “Mafia” and nothing else, lol) Okay this one might be kind of a hot take, cause I’ve seen people be prettttty divided on this song, but I personally love it haha. Sure, the lyrics are corny as hell, but that’s nothing new for kpop, and I do think the use of the mafia game as a song motif is kind of interesting, I suppose. But honestly the biggest reason why I love it is the production haha, cause damn this song hits hard and the instrumental just sounds so cool (as do the bsides! their Guess Who mini album is my album of the year so far for sure, no question)

6: Fromis 9 - We Go I’m so glad Fromis came back with this song, and I feel like it’ll be a really meaningful song for me in time. This period of time right now, when we’re starting to feel like progress is being made in the fight against this virus that’s been dominating our lives for a year and a half... I think this song captures that feeling perfectly, possibly without even necessarily trying to. It sounds like a sigh of relief, meeting friends who you haven’t seen in a long time, or just the reassurance that even though many people are still very much in quarantine and taking things very seriously, this won’t be forever and there is still good in the world... that’s what it sounds like to me 

5: TRI.BE - Rub-a-Dum This one was kind of a surprise for me lol, cause I wasn’t expecting to like a song with this title this much. I like Doom Doom Ta, and I would have put it relatively high on this list if Rub-a-Dum hadn’t come out afterwards, but I feel like this song does everything that Doom Doom Ta did but better, and in a bit more of an interesting way. It was written by Shinsadong Tiger and LE from EXID (just as Doom Doom Ta was) and I think this song has LE’s touch all over it, in the best way. I love that this song is kind of experimental, cause like it only has one verse... it goes Intro > Verse > Prechorus > Chorus > Bridge > Final Chorus haha, and i think that’s mostly so that you can luxuriate in that chorus drop as much as possible. The song just really works for me overall, it’s super solid and I just couldn’t deny that it’s in my top 5 favorite songs of the year so far. 

4: Dreamcatcher - Odd Eye As soon as this song came out, it was another moment of “Wow, Dreamcatcher just put out the song of the year right at the beginning”, just like they did in 2020 lol. But as the year has gone on, I think I’m not as into this song as I was into Scream and Boca (the other two from Dreamcatcher’s Dystopia trilogy, with Scream being my SOTY last year). But like... a Dreamcatcher comeback that I feel is just fairly decent and not one of my most favorites... still gets it to 4th place overall haha. That’s just Dreamcatcher’s power, even the songs I’m not as obsessed with are ones that I still get pretty obsessed with. I love this vibe, it’s a really different take on a cyberpunk-y genre from other kpop songs that have dabbled in it, and overall I think every member slayed this (especially Handong who made her triumphant return this comeback!)

3: Weeekly - After School Okay, I’ve been pretty conflicted on this song, because even though initially I wasn’t sure how much I would get into it, it nevertheless is my single most-listened-to song of 2021 so far. Part of that is how much I love Weeekly, part of that is how fun the performances were to watch (and I’m counting watching those as listens to the song lol), but also I think it really did grow on me quite a bit, and I was even considering it to be my favorite of the year for a while. It’s a lot of fun, it’s really catchy, and it’ll probably go down as one of their most iconic and fan-favorite comebacks. It’s the kind of song that’ll get stuck in your head for weeks. It’s just very very very very... Weeekly, haha. 

2: Everglow - First This song is a fucking whirlwind, and it really beat the shit out of me just like the members do to the camera in the music video lmao. It’s pretty different from La Di Da, which has become one of my favorite kpop songs ever, but I really really like it too. I feel like First is what Everglow were going for with Adios and Dun Dun, but fully realized, in a more complete form. I love how high their budget seems to be now, and I love how they seem to be really coming into their own as a group, I feel like this is the Everglow they were always meant to be. Honestly, I could see this maybe becoming my SOTY by the end of the year, and it’s very close (within 10 or so) to being my most-listened song of the year, but I do still think it’s too soon to say for sure haha

1: STAYC - ASAP This was such a hard decision to make, because honestly the top 4 on this list were all really strong contenders for first place, but after a lot of thought, I’ve decided that ASAP is the one I feel like I’m the least likely to change my mind on. I’ve listened to this song every single day since it came out, except for like 4 or so, which means that even though I’ve listened to it less than the three songs below it on this list, I’ve listened to it more consistently than any of them... I just have not gotten tired of it. It’s such a breath of fresh air for kpop. It’s kind of minimalist because it really doesn’t have any extra stuff, it’s very streamlined and it knows exactly what it is and that’s all it needs to be, and that makes for a very satisfying listen, in my opinion. This song sounds like what heart-shaped things look like. ASAP ❤︎

[notyetneedcoffee]

Blocked Number

Part Three of the Calling Series

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Smut, Violence, including past domestic violence, stalker behavior

* * *

The phone tucked into the seat beside you vibrated. None of your colleagues noticed as they discussed the latest news over prime rib sandwiches and cobb salads. Pulling the device up enough to see the screen, you fought to keep your face neutral.  

A ‘Thinking of you’ text was followed a picture of Bucky’s wrist disappearing into the waistband of his generously tented sweatpants.

He knew your lunch today would be with work friends. You’d discussed it last night when he called. The team was on an assignment in Japan at the moment so it had to be close to two o’clock in the morning there. Bucky planned this. The shit.

Another buzz. You looked down. ‘You’d better respond, Doll.’ the message said. ‘Or I’ll have F.R.I.D.A.Y. override the silent feature on your phone.’ The small video attached showed just a close up him stroking himself.  

You shifted in your seat, thighs rubbing together. Damn him.

Holding your phone in your lap you sent back, ‘Asshole. You know I’m in public. I fucking miss you.'

‘I want to bury my face between your legs.’ Came the immediate response.  

‘You’re making me wet.’  

‘I’ll make you scream when I suck on that tasty cunt.’

“Y/N, is everything okay?” You jumped when Jackie drew your attention.  

You could feel your face redden. “Sorry. I, uh, I just got some classified information that I have to deal with. Would you excuse me for just a minute?”

The phone buzzed in your hand twice before you made it to the alcove by the bathrooms.

‘Tell me how wet you are.’

‘I need an answer, Dollface.’

You responded, ‘So excited I had to leave the table. Damn you.’  

A moment passed before another video clip came through. His metal hand was lubed up and glistening, cock pumping in his tight grip. You felt your panties flood. Damn that was gorgeous. You dared turn the volume up just enough to hear him moan your name. Fuck.

You leaned a little closer into the dark corner, tapping away at your phone. ‘So. Fucking. Hot. Just want to come all over you.’  

‘Tell me.’

A wicked smile crossed your face. ‘Can’t wait for you stretch me open and sink your cock in me. Will you be able to wait until we’re home or will you just fuck me in hanger as soon as you arrive?’

‘Hanger.’

‘Fuck, yes. Just press me against the wall and fuck me hard. Don’t care who hears. I want your cock in me. Make me scream.’

‘Yes. Need you. Dnt care wo seees. Your mine.’ His fingers lost dexterity.

Smiling, you imagined every move. ‘Yours. Fucking pound me. Want it so bad. Make me come all over you. Fuck yes. Come for me.’

Staring at the screen you could feel the slick between your legs. Damn.  

‘Damn, Doll. I think I need a bath towel to clean myself up.’

‘Lol. Happy to help, except now I’m dripping.’

‘Yum.’

‘You’re going to make up for this when you get back tomorrow.’ You smirked at the phone.

‘Without a doubt. I know I’ve got the best dame on the planet,’ came his reply. Mind blowing great sexual connection aside, you’d never been with a man who treated you with the respect and reverence that Bucky did. He showed it in actions and told you in his words. It may not be traditional, but it was damn special.

‘Can’t wait to see you.’

‘Go eat lunch and try to act like a good girl. Leave that pussy wet for me.’

‘Asshole.’

‘Miss you too’

* * *

Popping into a little bakery on the way back from a quick trip to pick out some new shoes, you decided to grab something to have on hand when Bucky got back. While you waited for the plum tarts to be boxed up your phone rang with an unfamiliar number.

“Dr. Y/L/N”

“You went back to your maiden name.”

The shopping bag hit the floor. Your eyes darted around. All the other patrons and the two people behind the counter looked curiously back at you. Bending over slowly to pick up the bag, you turned toward the wall.  

Taking a calming breath, trying to keep the panic from your voice, you finally responded. “How did you get this number? You’re not allowed to call me.”

“Oh, didn’t you hear. I’m out.”

Bile rose in your throat.

“What’s the matter? Haven’t you missed me?”

You hung up the phone. A hand touched your shoulder. You jumped, letting out a choked gasp. The kindly looking woman held both her hands up. “Sorry to startle you, dear. You alright?”

“Fine. Thank you.”

“Ma’am. Here’s your order.” The kid behind the counter handed the box to you.  

“Thanks.” You shuffled out of the way. Before leaving the you took the opportunity to block the unknown number from your phone. That voice need never be heard again. 

The walk back to the tower happened in record time.  Weaving between people, keeping a sharp eye out for a face burned into your memory, you just wanted to be in the safe confines of Bucky’s apartment.  

You were in the elevator, leaning back against the cool brushed steel wall, when your phone buzzed. The text message read, ‘It won’t be as easy as blocking a number. You should know better.’

“Fuck.” Tears burned your eyes, but you fought them back. No, he does not get to play these sick games. You blew by the empty common areas and straight to the apartment. Not pausing to put anything away, you pulled up both numbers and searched the area codes, one from Denver and one from Eugene. Great.

As the night went on, you received picture of the motel in Santa Cruz where you first slept together from a phone with a Phoenix area code. You blocked it. You got a text message as you brushed your teeth with the lyrics of the Guns N’ Roses song he’d sing whenever he’d get drunk. You blocked that number from Tulsa. As you were lying in bed, wearing Bucky’s shirt and holding his pillow to your chest, you receive the texted picture of an avocado green bathtub. Stomach roiling, remembering a tub like that covered in your blood from the beating.  Your fingers shook when you blocked the New York City number.

* * *

Bucky opened the door silently at a quarter to four, fully expecting you to be sound asleep. Instead, he caught you up in his arms as you flew over the back of the sofa. His duffel hit the floor and he laughed.  

“Hey, Doll.” He squeezed you tight. When you didn’t let go right away, he pushed you back. Cupping your face in his warm palm, blue eyes studied you carefully. “You okay?”

Nodding, you did your best to smile as you lied. “I just had a bad dream and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’m so happy you’re back.”

He stared a bit longer, doubt gnawing at his gut. He saw the fear in your face, knew there was something you didn’t want to say. But he didn’t talk about his nightmares either. So, he just kissed you slowly, thoroughly.  

You’d spent hours agonizing over what to tell Bucky. You didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to admit who you were back then. The thought of him looking at you as weak or stupid; it would be unbearable. That bastard just got off on scaring you. It was likely all a bluff anyway.

Still, sleep eluded you all night. So, when Bucky took you to bed, instinctively being attentive and gentle as he worshiped your body, releasing all your tension and finally wrapping you in the safe cocoon of his arm, you fell into a deep sleep.  

He watched you, wishing he knew what was wrong.  

A while later, just as his eyes began to drift close a buzz drew his attention. Your phone vibrated. He picked it up. From the lock screen he saw multiple call attempts from multiple different blocked numbers. Alarms went off in his head. What the hell?

He debated rolling you over and seeing if the facial recognition worked on your sleeping face, but he decided if there was a problem, he would rather have better resources. Looking at your sleeping face, Bucky just didn’t understand why you weren’t saying anything.

* * *

Having the day off, you slept in and Bucky got up to make you coffee. After pulling on your favorite tee shirt of his and a pair of boy shorts, you curled on the sofa with the remote. You left your phone in the bedroom, Bucky noticed. It wasn’t normal for you.

“Doll,” Bucky looked at his own phone. “Do you have anything important going on the first week of October?”

“I don’t know. Why?”  

He gave you a coy smile over his coffee mug. “Don’t be nosy. Could you be free if you needed to be or not?”

“Let me see.” You disappeared into the bedroom with a grin on your face. When you flipped your phone over seeing more attempts from the last blocked numbers, and a new texted photo. A 1998 4Runner, just like the one he crashed into your Honda. You blocked the number and put the phone screen down on the nightstand.

“Well?” Bucky asked from the door.

“Um.” You swallowed, realizing you never looked. “That week is great.” You plastered a smile on your face, “I’m going hop in the shower.”

He watched you go, face falling. Damn. The alarm bells in his head were increasing to full on klaxons. Throwing on jeans and a tee shirt, Bucky popped his head in the shower. “Y/N, I’m running down to clear my gear. It’s only going take a couple minutes. Do you want me to bring breakfast back here or do you want to go out?”

“Can we just hang out here?”

“Anything you want, Doll.” You kissed him, soaking his face. He only grinned. “I’ll be right back”

Bucky left, heading straight to Natasha’s door. “Barnes.”

“I need your help.”

“With?”

“I think someone is harassing Y/N. I need to see her phone records.” When her eyebrow arched, he continued. “Every instinct I have says she scared and she’s not telling me for some reason.”

“You might not like the answer.”

“Don’t care. Here safety is more important.”

“Good answer.” She held the door open more. “Get in here.”

Within minutes Nat had multiple numbers, text messages, and time of the brief phone call the day before. “You’re right, Bucky. Something is up. They’re all burner phones. They were all bought with cash or cash cards. All the calls did ping off towers in Manhattan though.”

“What do all the texts mean?”  

“You could ask her.” Bucky scowled in response. Nat sighed. “Or... F.R.I.D.A.Y., please perform a confidential analysis protocol Romanoff Beta Zulu Four Six Alpha.”

“Proceed.”

“Please run an analysis of the blocked calls and messages of Y/N’s phone from the last 24 hours and cross reference with her profile for any correlation.”  

It only took a moment. “There is an 87% probability the messages are originating from Dr. Y/L/N’s ex-Husband, Richard Vance. There is a 98% probability the message are pertaining to Richard Vance.”

“Explain.” Bucky ground out through a clenched jaw.

“According to police and court files the images in the text messages correspond to the cases of assault filed by Dr. Y/L/N. The California State Department of Corrections reports Mr. Vance has been released to supervised living facility but failed to report back after work release seventeen days ago.”

“Cases.” Bucky closed his eyes. He wanted to break something. “As in plural.”

“Yes, Seargeant.”  

“Shit.” Nat huffed angrily.

Bucky opened his eyes, wishing he hadn’t. The case files filled the screen, including the pictures taken of you at the hospital. Black eyes, split lip, bruised jaw. Other pictures show bruised ribs, defensive marks on your hands and arms.

“Where is he?”  

“Barnes, if you...”  

“Traffic cameras have identified him 16 time around the W 42nd Street area in the last 72 hours.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. replied.

“Thanks.” Bucky turned to leave.

“Barnes.” Nat grabbed his arm. “Has she told you about any of this?”

“No” His chest tightened. He should have known.  

“Listen, tread carefully. She’s likely...”  

“Scared? Yeah. I get that. I intend on fixin’ it.” Bucky growled.

“No, ashamed.” Natasha sighed. When he just stared at her, she continued. “Aside from the guilt of what you did, what is the worse thing about your time under Hydra? How many times have you told yourself you should have been stronger, should have fought against it harder, should have broke free sooner? I get you want to kill that bastard. I’d help you. But you need to push that shit down for her sake. You need to help her, not feed your need for revenge.”

Bucky nodded in silent agreement, leaving without another word. The walk back to the apartment took longer than expected. He kept having to stop, suddenly not able to breathe. That bastard hurt you and now he was taunting you. Bucky felt the Soldier surge, wanting to commit cold blooded murder.

Opening the door, he suddenly remembered breakfast. He never stopped at the kitchen to get anything. It didn’t matter. He found you sitting on the edge of the bed in a towel, tears streaking your face.  A dent marred the wall and your broken phone littered the floor.

“Y/N.” Bucky approached slowly, quietly, dropping to his knees before you. “Dollface, tell me. Please.”

“My ex is out of prison. They were supposed to let me know. They didn’t. He...” Tears filled your eyes again. “I should have never gotten mixed up with him.”

His hands cupped your face. Full soft lips pressed against your cheeks, your forehead. “Is he scaring you? Threatening you? In any way?”

“I don’t want you in trouble.” A sob broke from your chest.  

Something snapped. Bucky bolted from the room, leaving you gasping. Shit. Grasping the towel around yourself you dashed after him. However, he was long gone. The door down the hall opened, Steve’s head popping out. Another sob, escaped. There was hope.  

Rushing forward you grabbed Steve’s shirt. “Buck is going to kill him.”

Just then Nat turned the corner from the common area. “Y/N,” She took your hand from his shirt. “I just ran into Barnes. We’ll talk him down. You go get dressed, okay.”

It was all overwhelming. Feeling lost, you just did what she said.  

Natasha turned to a very confused Cap. “Come on, Rogers. We have to help Barnes hunt down the asshat that’s threatening her.”

It didn’t take long. 

Bucky heard the girl scream from two floors down. His feet carried him the distance before she could take another breath. Busting through the pitiful door, he found a too skinny redhead curled up in the corner under a piece of shit table. Broken glass and spilled beer covered one side of the room.  

Bucky grabbed the man by the throat, hauling him off his feet. “Hiya, Dick.”

Steve came in, scooping the woman up and tell her it would be okay. She in turn screamed that “that motherfucker owes me money” despite her bruised jaw. Neither the woman or Vance noticed the female with the phone camera recording everything.

Bucky lowered Vance to his feet, barely. “There’s a bounty on you, Dick. Why would you be stupid enough to come here?”

“None of your fucking business.” Vance tried to strike at Bucky’s face, but got his fingers broke for the effort. He screamed. Then begged when Buck didn’t let go of his hand.  

“You gonna try to hit me again, you pansy-ass? I think I’ll hold on to these for now. Why are you here?”

“Looking up an old friend.” He whined.

“Friend? Bullshit.”

“Ow! My ex! Okay! I’m just looking to get in touch with my ex.”

Bucky’s teeth ground together.

“You have a no contact order with Dr. Y/L/N,” came Natasha voice. “You’ll be placed under arrest for breaking the conditions of your release, assault of that woman, breaking your no contact order, attempted assault of federal agent...” Bucky smirked at that stretch of their status. “and credit card fraud.”

“What?!”  

About that time several SHIELD agents came in and took him into custody. After he was handcuffed, Bucky leaned in close to growl in his ear. “I’m the assassin that assassins fear. You even think of Y/N again and I will find you. I will take my time killing you. It will be terrifying. It will be beyond painful. No one will ever catch me. No will ever find any proof. And I will have no sympathy. No one hurts what’s mine. Ever. Do you understand?”

Vance went very pale. Bucky smiled, feral, before walking away. Natasha got a little closer. “You’re a lucky son of a bitch.”

“Who the fuck are you?”  

“Doesn’t matter.” She leaned casually against the wall. “You’re just going back to prison. You could have easily end up as human mulch in a landfill. Lucky you.”

“You’re fucking nuts. I’m going to tell my lawyer you’re threatening me.” Vance cowered.

Steve stepped up, Vance getting a good look at Captain America for the first time. “You go right ahead. I’ll be there to tell him about the beat-up woman I pulled out of here, and all the great stuff she told me about how you’ve been stealing credit cards. But you go on and tell them how you’re treated unfairly.”

Down by the SHEILD van, Bucky was on his phone when Steve and Natasha stepped up. He slipped in his pocket. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.” Steve’s hand squeezed his shoulder. “You did the right thing.”

“I wanted to break his neck.”

“I know, me too.”

“You better get back.” Nat sighed. “We’ll handle all the red tape.”

“Okay.” He didn’t argue, hopping in the spare car and taking off.

 * * *

You stared at the television not really comprehending what was on. Bucky had been gone for hours. A million regrets poured through your mind. All the lost opportunities to tell him the whole truth about your past. How you skirted around the details and glossed over the uglier parts. You’d done it so much in the last five years, it’d just become habit.  If anyone deserved to know, if anyone would be supportive, it was Bucky. You felt like you really fucked up.  

The Bucky’s text tone buzzed on your phone. ‘Don’t worry, Doll. It’s okay. Be home soon.’

‘Thank heaven. I was so worried.’ You replied.

Then a picture came through. It was a document. You zoomed in. Holy shit. It was a Federal Arrest Filing for Rich. You read through it. They tracked him down and busted him. Sending him back to prison.  A knot released in your chest.

Bucky walked in the door as you were reading the final page of the document. Leaping to your feet, your arms wrapped around his shoulders. He held you tight for a moment, before his lips found yours. Foreheads together, he stroked you jaw with his thumb.  

“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.” Your eye closed against the tears. You didn’t want to cry anymore. “I should have, and I’ll make it right. Anything you want to know.”

“You can tell me anything, absolutely anything. But it’s got to be in your time, in your way. I won’t force it.” His strong hands combed through your hair.

“I thought you’d kill him.”

“Wanted to.” He admitted. “But figured you don’t need to live with that. This way is better.” A wicked smile crossed his face. “Of course, I warned him if he steps out of line, he’ll wish I just killed him quick.”

You had a perverse image of Bucky threatening that dickhead for you and curled closer into his strong body, purring. “My hero.”  

That not only filled his chest with pride, but went straight to his cock. Picking you up, he carried you back to the bedroom. He wanted to wipe away any memories of tears. He breathed against your lips. “Damn, Doll. I love you.”

[megamanxfanfics]

What the Hell is going on w/ Ep. 5?????

Hey World,

I just wanted to pop in and say what’s been going on, as it’s been a whole Season in between episodes.

So...  I guarantee you, I was working on it.  Pretty diligently at first.  I don’t know how many sessions, but I did X6 playthroughs while pausing and writing out the stage directions and reactions, etc. etc.  Some of this was humdrum and boring and then ideas popped out at me where I took some risks and really opened up the creativity.   Whenever I do that, I always think it’s shit at first.  But then upon a second or third look I get a different feel and decide whether it’s okay or not.

So, I promise you that it wasn’t really a Motivation thing.  Not X6 wise, anyway. The episode is roughly 7/8ths finished.  That’s for sure.  The file for Ep. 5 was last modified on July 26th, so what the Hell happened?

What stopped me was Life, itself.

...We all know that in April, my Mother passed away.  Right when I was in the midst of Writing Ep. 2.  Somehow I plowed through that. Then, in May and June life became about working out, eating right, exercising and going on dates actually, believe it or not!  I was writing Ep. 3 and even 4, during that time.  I was making some decent progress.

But then...  Dating wise, things fell apart.

And this is where I need to spare the details, because this is a MMX Blog and not a Relationship blog.  However, you could basically say that for the month of June I was enjoying myself with someone.  Then, when that didn’t work, in July I quickly moved on to someone else and then That didn’t work out either.  Like, at all.  And a combination of the two events just shut me down in August.

I just got hit so hard with the timing of everything.  I thought I was ready to date, but I really wasn’t.  And for the first time in my life I was straight up couch-ridden depressed.  Like, actually not wanting to do anything.  No video games, no shows, no music... not eating... Not working out...  and Certainly not writing MMX6.

So... I had to pull myself out of it. And how did I manage that, you might ask??

Well... for the entire months of August and September (and even now), I’ve spent a LOT of time working on myself.  For everyone, this is different.

But for me, I found a great comfort in writing out everything that has happened. And I’m talking about really digging deep and diving into all of my life choices for the past 5 years of my last relationship.

My Diary Entries weren’t just about the relationship, but also Life before Covid.  It was very nostalgic, therapeutic and cathartic once I got to the hard stuff and really analyzed what the Hell happened here and there.  (This Project was part of those entries as well.)

My favorite writer, Brian Michael Bendis says, “A Writer writes every day.”  And no matter how true that is for you, I definitely found that to become my own form of therapy.  Getting over myself, as it were.

And within days and weeks, I was enjoying this new project of Self-Reflection while listening to new music on Spotify.  Having the company of just 1 friend to do puzzles with and stuff, and eventually play video games again.  The shows came back.  Soon I was living my life and this project was becoming it’s own chore.  Even the exercising and eating right came back, although not in full force as it was before.

I also can’t forget that as of August and September, our Federal Help situation drastically changed.  So I had to get over the rut of seriously looking for new jobs again.  At this point, it still sucks, but I’m used to it now.

My life is applying for jobs and then treating myself to either my Self Reflection Project or any other hobbies that I’m feeling that day.

Video Game wise, I enjoyed finishing the MMZ saga and finally delving into MMZX.  What I can say there is that I loved MMZ3, which is a pretty popular opinion.  MMZ4′s story was too different for me to care.  They did a serious disservice by eliminating the Guardians in 3.  But either way, I surprisingly Loved ZX.  I thought by then, I wouldn’t care.  But I actually thought Vent was awesome.  I really appreciated their nostalgic throwbacks to X1 with Giro (clearly being a Zero, boss figure) and Area D-3 being the frickin Central Highway stage!!!  That lightened my heart and made me so happy, even though the game is so different. And those transformations into the Guardian Model Letters, (beyond X & Z) was just really well done.  It was the next phase in the evolution.  Despite the Metroidvania open-map being confusing as Hell.  I enjoyed the attempt a lot.

[Save-assist states also really enhanced this experience for me.] 

MMZX Advent however...  The only positive thing I have for that one is that, I actually LOVED that you were Model A the whole time.  I always kind of wanted an Axl game, and in a way, this was it.  But... that game is very flawed, and transforming into all of the psuedoroids on Top of gaining all the Model Letters (including ZX) was a bit much.  Meeting Aile as Model ZX, in my play through as Grey was probably the only nice throwback to the canon of that game. It’s sad to know that when you play it on hard there’s a cliff-hanger that could’ve lead to the Legends series.  But as someone who was never into the Legends series, I’m fine getting the Normal/Medium ending where Grey & Aile save the day and now they just want to live and travel around. I also liked any open-ended chemistry they had.  (Would they have been an item in a future game?  It doesn’t matter anymore.)

Lore rants, aside, playing through the ZX series brought me back to X6 a lot, because it made me wish I could play through the game in the same way that I’ve been writing this Anime Fic.  That you could just press a button and freely transform into your Falcon Armor or new armors that you acquire.

So what brought me back was a long-term plan in a way.  That friend who did the puzzles with me, as I mentioned expressed a Serious interest in reading my Long-Fic.  So I told her the best jumping on-point to get into Season VI stuff, which is actually starting at Xtreme2.  And I was so excited that she’d be reading it, that I relived it myself too.  [I even made some important edits to Duff McWhalen along the way.]

From there, as I’d go through my routine of job-hunting and soul searching, I’d also treat myself to reads of Xtreme 2, which turned into new routines of reading Season IV and V first, then applying to jobs, then going about my Self-Reflection Project.  Video Games wise, I also just decided to go through the whole MMX Legacy Collection.  So very quickly I went through X1 and X2.  X3 took a whole night.  X4 was a pretty quick Afternoon.  X5 was a decent day and X6 took a while (to play through in the way that I envision this fic.)

And then in the past week, you could say I’ve finally caught up, in more ways than one. Self-reflecting wise, I’ve actually caught up to April 2020, right at the worst moment of the year.  And it was good for me to go through that. Video Game wise, X6′s playthrough only spoke to me for the 1st Arc, mostly but it gave me a little more of an idea on how I’m tackling certain bits of the 2nd Arc.  The 3rd Arc is still a God damn mystery as is the exact ending, but I’ll figure it out.  Ideas are slowly forming.

And lastly Season VI wise, I quickly reread up to Ep. 4 and just opened up the file to Ep. 5 today!

I made new edits, came up with an Episode Title like I thought I would and at the stopping point, of course I was let down, but I was left with some new ideas on where to go from there.

Now I find myself actually wanting to rediscover what can happen next.

I have things to do today, and obligations weighing on me such as job-searches and stuff.  But now that my Self-Reflection thing is quickly catching up to the current day, I’m looking forward to alternating my writing days with X6 again.

Music is coming back to me, and funnily enough, someone swiped on me in September!!  So I started dating again, lol.  I’m not half as invested as I was in the Summer.  I know what I want more, this time around and yeah...

Other than the whole Job thing, life is good for the most part.

...I’m looking forward to getting the next episode out soon.

And finishing the 1st Arc by the end of the year.  That seems like a reasonable enough goal.

Until then, folks.

[thesazjazz]

Rules: Answer these & tag 9 people you want to get to know better! I was tagged by @thelittleredheadedmusician hi Melissa what’s up I hope you enjoy reading how much of a nerd you already know I am 💙 love u

Last Song: I was just playing a long playlist of Pokémon music (Diamond/Pearl/Platinum) because I was reading for class and I usually put on either my own instrumental playlist (it’s pretty great) or soundtracks, lately Pokémon (there are some good long videos on YouTube, Relaxing Pokémon Music Volumes 1-3) or Undertale cuz both slap

Last Movie: uhhhhh I guess it’s not a full length movie but I watched a documentary about the Holocaust called Numbered on Netflix a couple weeks ago- thought it was really good, it’s focus is on first-hand interviews with survivors and their stories and not so much like a WWII history documentary ya know. There were both survivors and direct relatives of recently deceased survivors so it was really thought-provoking.

Currently Reading: Melissa’s @thelittleredheadedmusician draft of her book Hitch Hiker! It’s very good but I haven’t gotten very far yet because school just Hit™️ this week and it’s been quite the time getting thrown back into that, and I’m also preparing to finally move back to campus on Saturday bless up but I’m feeling stressed.

Fiction book I finished a couple weeks ago was Simon vs The Homosapiens Agenda, oh AND I watched the movie adaptation Love, Simon so that falls under movies too. Book >>>>>> movie, as usual but the movie is reeeeeaaally different and very hallmark/HBO ish so the story that it DID include (which was very edited from the book) felt very not real or genuine like the book did. Real shame but highly recommend the book, and if you’ve only seen the movie please please read the book you’re really missing OUT.

Currently Craving: man we’ve been buying these dark chocolate covered pretzels from Trader Joe’s and they are very good so yes I’m craving them but food cravings are touchy for me so I’m ALSO gonna say I’m craving people. And the ability to work outside of the four walls of my home but I will get both of those things SO soon and I literally can’t wait I gotta get the fuck outta here (people will be from a safe distance but they WON’T be related to me for a change bless).

Working on anything rn?: school work already kinda hitting and 3/4 of my classes are pretty reading heavy so far so I gotta get into a better rhythm but hey it’s day 3 going on day 4 so I’m trying not to beat myself up too much. Other than that I’m trying to get back to playing my trumpet more! I got a sick silent mute which is gonna come in very handy for when I’m living in a dorm soon omg.

Currently Playing: YES okay I’ve been playing Among Us with a couple of my friends and it’s a really fun multiplayer game that’s basically like mafia except you’re on a space ship. It’s really fun and basically you can play up to 10 people in a round and there are usually 2 Imposters and the rest are crew mates, these are randomly assigned at the beginning of the round. Basically no one knows who is what at the beginning: the goal of the crew mates is to complete tasks to keep the ship from exploding while also staying alive and paying close attention to who is doing what in order to figure out who the imposters are. The Imposters can sabotage certain parts of the ship in order to disorient the crew mates and kill them off one by one, but they have to be careful not to get caught and defend themselves cleverly when a body is found and reported or an emergency meeting is called. Basically everything time a meeting is called everyone in the game Discussed to try and figure out who the Imposters are, but the Imposters take part in this too and try to fake their way in the discussion by either blaming other people or lying really well. I’m good at being a crewmate and I’m so so at Imposter so far, sometimes I jump the gun and kill people too early so I accidentally get caught because people see me lol.

ALSO, I busted out my old Nintendo DS Lite and that’s been a pleasure the get back into. I can’t really get the WiFi to connect but you don’t need it unless you’re trying to do multiplayer stuff. Anyways I’ve been playing Pokémon Platinum because I love pokémon, I picked up on an old save file that was started in 2013 lol and I was about halfway through the gym badges. It’s hard to train for these gyms though!! Takes a lot of time to level up your Pokémon and I was also dead BROKE for some reason so I had like no medicine and at first I was like shit where can I find people to battle and get money but I found a really good route to battle on and I’m using the Amulet Coin and Exp Share to get double moneyyy and level up my Pokémon faster. It’s a great time but honestly at first I was like shit I’m really stuck cuz I have no money so I could only battle wild Pokémon for so long for xp but that doesn’t give you money and I kept running back to the Pokémon center because I had like no potions lol. But I got a really good vibe going now, got two of my bois to their final evolution (Rapidash and Monferno) but still need to get more levels rip.

Tagging: literally almost everyone i know on here was already tagged by Melissa and I really don’t have many friend followers, or followers period lol soooo like maybe 3 people will read this but of the few people I know here there’s ONE person left hi Rachel I love u you don’t have to do this at all tho no pressure, I really just did this cuz I’m boreddddd @rootfiziler

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

Date: Wednesday, August 14, 2019 Time: 11:56 pm

I’m curious. Does anyone look forward to reading my letters? -calls out- “Anyone?” -dead silence emits so deafening, I stop talking-

So.. I was reading letters I have sent you. And, shit. The people who take the time to read these letters must think I am selfish.

All I talk about are men, my attraction to men, my desire to have a girlfriend, or whatever.

Which, if y'all know me, you KNOW, I’m going to get back to it.

But for a short bit, let’s talk about things that aren’t guys or girls.

Here are a number of facts about me you, Charlie, and other people reading this may not know about…

I’m very unsatisfied with my weight. I weigh about 195 pounds, and am working to drop to 120 pounds. I don’t feel attractive in my skin. I can’t see my vag anymore.

I haven’t orgasmed ever. I am 24 fucking years old. Why the fuck haven’t I cum yet? God..

Happier topics, Mare. Okay. There is this app I use called SLOWLY, where you create a username, and bio about yourself. You can start sending letters to people across the world. I’ve had letters coming in from China, India especially, the U.K., Australia, Taiwan, Russia, Portugal, tip of Africa. So many letters. And, you do get standard. ‘Yo baby. Send me nudes.’ This one guy got clever and asked me for nudes in Morse Code. I kindly sent him back to go fuck himself. The only person who gets to see my beautiful breasts is me, and the barren vag, cause I swear to myself, I never ever see Nic. (<– Sorry. No talk of guys for the next few paragraphs). The issue is.. like, there is an option where you can send three letters at a time. With an intro letter. One night, I thought it would he fun (WORST. MISTAKE. EVER.) to send 15 letters. (Keep in mind about 4 of the many letters I have sent, do I keep up a regular correspondence with. So, add 15 potential regular friends, and you have a recipe for disaster). Omgosh, Charlie + readers: I never have time to respond to these letters. Damnit, me. Why the fuck did you do that?

Okay. I started a new job. Yeah. You heard right. The ever so fucking afflicted depressed, intoroverted, frustrated, book crazy, bisexual who cant hold down a job, found a new one. Through a temp agency. I work with ______ _____ ____, at _____ _____, which is just 10 minutes from my house. The job is way better than the piece of shit I put up with for 6 mths. I love the different calls we get. But the mother fucking training at this call centre was mother flipping shit. There are so many 'processes’ you have to remember when helping a 'guest’ with a request that I want to cry. (I hope I keep at the job). Please fucking pray for me.

Did you know I didn’t always used to curse the way I do? Throughout high school, I would only curse when I would get hurt (like for example that time an anvil crushed my toe. Lol. This totally didnt happen. Though, this one time. I cut myself on this chunk of thick glass from a broken lamp at 12 urs old, that I was taking to the dumpster. It sliced my thigh, blood was gushing out I imagine. I started screaming. My mom, uncle, and cousin freaked the fuck out. I obviously lived to tell the tale. Y'all should see the scar.) And then I was influenced by boys (since I only hung out with guys through the last two years of high school) to curse. And now, I can’t seem to stop.

I make weird posts on Whisper. My username is ______ For anyone who wants to chat with me about my crazy life, follow me on ____ at @_______. Lol. (I hope y'all know when I include the blanks I’m being funny).

What other facts to share.. I made a friend on Slowly, but work really got me busy, plus I am always freaking tired. I didn’t respond for nine days with a letter, and I noticed she deactivated her account. It really hurt. Her name was Becca. She was trans, but didn’t tell her crazy conservative family. 19, super sweet. Liked video games and Eminem for a bit. I seriously miss her.

Other facts.. Did I mention (no, of course you didn’t mention Mare. All you ever talk about are failed relationships, current relationships, or almost relationships), I’m looking to learn Italian AND Spanish? Of course! Why the hell wouldn’t I try to influence my American self with my Mexican self? (Totally Hispanic in case y'all cohldn’t guess. My mom says I speak Spanish like a white girl. Well, shit… Time to go to Mexico and get ridiculed for being too white and not knowing Spanish or customs) Joking aside, I’m looking forward to teaching myself Spanish and Italian. (Don’t tell the family, but I prefer Italy over Mexico).

Y'all ready to get to the real reason why y'all stick through my letters?

Nic doesn’t want me to explore my bi side. Ken hasn’t been on Skype for a month. I miss him.. (Great, conflicted Mary is back again). Did I mention that today is my 3rd year anniversary with the Nicholas? Totally is. What did we do to celebrate? I woke up at 5 in the morning, waited for him to show up at 6, and ate tacos in my apartment parking lot. Then, I went to work, and he went home to sleep. We are going to Bastrop for the weekend which is just 20 minutes from my grandparents. Maybe I should go visit. (Why the hell don’t I call my family? Am I really that fucking self absorbed? Family trumps dudes any fucking day..) and I hope the trip is nice. I just texted him like 45 min ago of us drifting apart. Because… he will talk about things that seriously, Charlie, I could give two fucks about, then we will talk about ice cream, for example, and he goes off on a tangent about something little do with ice cream. Sometimes, I feel like I guilty stay with him because I do fucking love him, but I could be holding myself back from experiencing new things.

I want to write more. Bare with me for a moment, Charlie. Okay, I’m back. (That was a second break, in real time in case y'all were wondering)

My thoughts aren’t flowing as well. I wish I knew a friend who was bi or a lesbian who would like to explore with me. And not have it change things.

So, I have a shit sleep schedule. I’ll come home at 5 ish in the evening. I’ll sit in traffic for twenty min. Come home. Eat something. Fall asleep by 7. Wake up at 10, and stay awak indefinitely. Then wake up at 6, and start over. (What is wrong with me?)

Oh. More breaks from relationship shit. I saw a therapist. Three visits. It was nice. His name is Tim. (Had to stop because I literally have no fucking time to see a dr anymore psychologist or medical, because my schedule is a fucking bitch). He graduated from Harvard! That is awesome. His attire was well groomed, always. I never told him he intimidated me because of that. But he was a nice guy. Time to go to psychologytoday.com to look for weekend available therapists who take my insurance. I hope if I am to become a psychologist, that I’m a tiny better than Tim. He was lovely, I was just unnerved by someone focusing such time on me. But, that is kind of what he is paid for? So….

Oh. Have I mentioned at all to you, Charlie about how I want to start a YouTube channel? I want to read stories I find on the internet. Annnd, I’m pretty excited. I get my mic maybe with next weeks paycheck.

I feel like there is more to add. For anyone you may have lost touch with over the years, Charlie, does the thought of that person and the memories you shared together ever make you cry? I found a CD an old friend left to me for my birthday. And it broke my heart that we aren’t close anymore. I feel like I .. let my true relationships go in my worst state of mind.. And, I miss her so much. It really really hurts. I’m crying just thinking about it.

Also, I’m not sure if I mentioned, there are rare cases where I will laugh so hard at something I found to be funny, that I make others worried or uncomfortable. But the laughter turns to sobbing (sobbing such as my mom dying, or my brother getting hit by a car, or someone killing me) just as severe. I tried asking like crazy, and no one seems to know. That is, until a month ago, a friend from the meetings I go to (please tell me I’m not so vapid that I forgot to tell you I go to Monday meetings with DBSA for my depression) showed me what I have.. which I forgot the name of. But it is a treatable condition. Something to do with sensitivity.

I can’t hear well out of my right ear. I need to see a doctor.

Thanks to those who stayed with me this far.

I hope to have more news on my relationship status.

I seriously have like two friends on Tumblr. Why do I use this app again?

I love you, Charlie

Always,

Mary

[sparklebitch]

Dan and Phil’s Impact

Okay this is going to be long and rambling because I’m trying to type it on my phone in the car and my thoughts are all over the freaking place and I don’t blame you if you don’t want to read the whole thing I’ll put a tldr at the end lmao.

So first of all I’ve been watching Dan and Phil since like? 2014~ And for a while there wasn’t a minute that went by where I didn’t think about them. Their videos got me through so much shit in my life. Even dumb video game videos were like my reprieve from real life. And yeah a lot of stuff was super cringy and I was definitely borderline one of those creepy people that wanted to know everything about their lives (obvs not anymore lol) but that aside they were such good freaking influences on me? I looked up to them so much and, sure, I have a lot of role-model-worthy people in my life, but no one like them.

Everyone around me is so aggressively religious (although a lot of them are totally cool about it and not bad peoples !! But the rest of them are total dicks) and I felt like I couldn’t... question myself I guess? About literally anything. I felt like I couldn’t question religion, sexuality, the things I liked, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. It was like everyone’s lives revolved around church stuff and people were basically born knowing what they were going to do? And there I was, an awkward, sexually confused, homeschooler who had 2 friends that she wasn’t even that close to. I felt like I was the only one in the world like this. Everyone seemed to have a place in the world, except me. I often thought that maybe it was a mistake that I was in this world, that there was some cosmic screw up and that I was never meant to be born. I felt incomplete and it was so confusing and horrible. I was sure that that feeling was never going to go away. I had no one to talk to, no one to explain to me that it was okay to screw up. It wasn’t the end of the world to question things or yourself, everything was going to be okay. All I wanted in my life was for someone to tell me that.

Then I found Dan and Phil. And yeah, they’re two British boys on the internet that will never know who I am. But that’s okay. They don’t need to know me to have an impact on my life. I mean, who’s ever been impacted by a song? A movie, a book, an actor, an artist? The human race is always searching for someone or something to look up to. Religion, famous people, a father figure, a friend. Someone. And that’s what they were to me.

People didn’t understand what it was that I liked about them. And, if I’m being 100% honest, I guess I didn’t really know either. Sure, they’re funny, and the chemistry between the two is very compelling but there was just something about them that spoke to me. I loved them. More than I had loved anything in my life. I looked up to them, and listened to the things they said, listened to the things they believed it. Through them I discovered so many of the things that I love in my life. I started writing and drawing because of them! It’s crazy to think that I am the person that I am today because of them. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t watched their videos.

There’s a lot of uncertainty in my life right now as I’m finishing up getting my General Associates and I’m in the process of starting a daycare with my older sister. It’s a lot for me to process because for the longest time all I wanted to do was get away from here. I wanted to go somewhere and be someone new. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized that’s not what I actually wanted. I love my family and my friends, I love living here (aside from the bigots but they’re everywhere so there’s no escaping them). What I really, truly wanted was to be myself. It wasn’t my family and this town that I wanted to get away from, it was the me that I was pretending to be. I just wanted to be myself, that was all. I didn’t care if it was in a big town with new people, i just wanted people to know me. I wish I knew this back then, then maybe I wouldn’t have gone into a tailspin when I was getting ready for college but hindsight I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

When I finished high school it was like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know how to make decisions for myself or do anything on my own. All I knew was that I was not straight, seemingly surrounded by homophobes, and I was very very tired. So, toward the end of summer my mom pushed me enrolled me at a community college near home (which I am grateful for lol) and then I was going to transfer to a university after 2 years. Things started to feel better after that. Around that time I also started taking medication for depression and anxiety and it has only completely changed my life. No longer am I the super quiet painfully awkward person who’s so afraid to say something wrong that she instead stays silent, not telling anyone about my interests or passions in fear that I would be ridiculed, hiding core parts of me while the whole world passes by. I was talking and making jokes, I wasn’t constantly terrified to talk to people or to even simply leave my house to go places. Things were better. I was happier!

But as the time for me to transfer to a university drew near that paralyzing feeling crept back into my skin. I hated my classes. I hated college. I was suddenly plunged back into the world of endlessly scrolling through social media and watching the same shows on tv over and over, isolating myself from everyone and everything trying to ignore the world around me. I felt like everything was hopeless again. I was only occasionally watching dan and Phil videos at this time, having very reluctantly grown away from them (it was a sad day when I realized that I didn’t care if I skipped a video or two. I literally cried that day). But I was bored then, so I started watching their videos again. This was around the time that dan posted his video on depression (that’s a while other long ass post I could make but probably won’t because I’m already tired of typing) and i damn near called my mom (even though she was just downstairs) on the spot to tell her what I was feeling. Hearing that there was someone else out there that felt like I was was enough. But not only that, he explained that recovery is not a straight road. There are twists and turns, there are setbacks. It’s not like I was going to get better and everything was going to magically be awesome all the time. Some stuff was going to suck. I was going to go through shitty times and that was okay.

Because of him, I ended up going back to the doctor and explaining that my meds weren’t working anymore, and I got it taken care of. I feel so much fucking better now than I did before, and I know that it’s okay if I don’t always feel this way. I told my parents that I didn’t want to go to a university and they were okay with it, provided that I finished my 2 year degree at the community college. And while some things still suck, and I’m still worried about my future and whether or not I’m going to meet someone and fall in love, things are absolutely positively 1000% better than they have ever been. And a lot of it is thanks to them. Obviously it was me who actually took the steps I needed to to get here, but it was because of their being my role model that I had the courage to get where I am today.

Dan and Phil have such a unique platform and following. They could say jump and so many people would (metaphorically ofc) jump off the cliff, me included. But they don’t do that. They use their fame to positively impact people. They use their platform to encourage people and talk about important things in life. They share things about their lives in the hopes that it will help even 1 person out there... and I’m not the only one who they’ve positively impacted. The number of people that owe everything to them is crazy.

Okay so now I’m going to go a little bit into labels. (Not too much tho I’m seriously tired of typing lol). Dan talked about them a lot in his video. An entire freaking chapter of it was dedicated to labels. When I was younger I knew that I liked girls. I liked boys too though, so I just shrugged it off as Really wanting to be friends with girls. I didn’t know what the word gay meant until I was like 12 because I was a very sheltered child. My parents never talked about it and the only time I ever remember hearing the word before then was when one of my siblings called another sibling “gay” at the dinner table. The only thing I knew about the word was that my parents Did Not Like it. While I eventually stumbled onto the internet and learned a Lot of things, and a lot about labels, I became overwhelmed. There were so many words with so many meanings, and lot of times people didn’t agree on what the literal definition was. (Like bisexual meaning Only men+women vs. just like.. more than just 2+ genders) So for a long time I identified as pansexual because.. I didn’t know what to do. And based on my experiences on the internet, being bi was basically saying that you were excluding people. Idk it was fucked. The label ‘pan’ didn’t really feel like it fit me either, but it worked for the time being.

Dan’s comments on labels really got me thinking. I don’t think I’m a lesbian, but I don’t really know about bisexual either. When he said that he loved to use the word queer it just.. fucking hit me in the chest like a ton of bricks. I literally couldn’t breath. And it’s not like I’ve never heard people use the word queer. Tons of people identify as queer. But it was just something about the way he explained it? And maybe it was just the fact that it was him explaining it because, as I said before, I look up to him. He has a huge impact on my life. Saying queer gives me comfort. It feels less... restrictive I guess, for a lack of better words. I don’t know if this will be /the/ label for me, but that’s not the point. There doesn’t have to be a label for me. I, no one, should have to be pressured into finding a label so that other people have something to call you?? Fuck labels. Fuck people who pressure you into picking one. You be you.

So, in conclusion (honestly I feel like this has all been so incoherent I apologize) I don’t want to hide forever. I don’t. I hope that some day I can have even a fraction of the courage that Dan has to tell the people that I care about who I truly am. And the first step is telling someone.

So, to everyone who sees it here, most of which probably know or don’t care,

I’m bisexual, bitch. And I use the word queer.

It took so much fucking courage for dan to post that video and I have crazy amounts of respect for that man. I’ve said it a thousand times already, but I’m going to say it again. I’m so. Fucking. Proud of him. And I know he’s probably going to get thousands of stories like this one (if he hasn���t gotten that many already) but I’m going to tag him anyway. @danielhowell , you’ve changed my life. You’ve changed millions of people’s of lives for the better. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done.

Tldr; dnp mean everything to me, even though I’ve grown away from them, they have been and always be a big part of who I am and i am so fucking proud of Dan.

[ts-2020-olympics]

EPISODE 5 - “https://streamable.com/2bc03” - Beck

So, I have a very good idea as to what happened. Karen thought they were the one to go with their score, and successfully convinced everyone else to get rid of me. Either to get the gold or to get rid of me, I'm not sure. But I'm on to them. Make no mistake.

Well, to recap past round, Ben ended up winning the gold medal and returning to the game, which I really appreciate, so he'll be immune next tribal he attends, which am sure he is happy with.   That led to Nik W being the next person eliminated.   Then, as well at the arena, Stoner won the silver medal for his tribe, I won the Bronze medal for my tribe, then Pete won nothing.   Today's immunity challenge was a maze, went into the maze thinking I should get a decent time, as I did mazes a bit as a kid, but then my dumb self didn't save the maze properly so had to redo it, then my internet decided to act up so had to refigure out lightshot which cost me more time.  So I ended up with a really rough score, thankfully the 40% bonus will help a little, but I just feel bad and embarrassed by the time I got, and feel like if my tribe loses, it's going to be because of me.   I can't even be too active tomorrow to discuss vote with people if my tribe loses as I am going back home tomorrow, which just makes matters even worse.   So, at the moment, I don't feel too hot, but at the same time, I shouldn't let one bad round set me back either.

first loss as a new tribe, rip. I don’t know how this vote may go because i’ve chatted and bonded with everyone on this tribe, well except kevin and kinda nicole, and no one is really sticking out like an asshole. The new mari-whatever tribe has been just chill vibes which is nice but makes strategy much harder cus like what if they’re all secretly just agreed in getting me out? Who knows. I did talk with Landen and we agreed we wanna work together, he threw out the idea that he may be leaning towards voting out an old Shosha member and he hasn’t talked with Kevin or Nicole at all. I’m talking to Eve, Sammy, and Jacob C as well, maybe we could be a voting block...? We’ll see. 

Sarah felt she’s in danger because of Billy trying to get her out last tribal. I can’t have Sarah out because her and I trust each other so then I think of this idea. Nik just got voted out, Billy is targeting Sarah now... what if I spread a rumor that Billy has a plan to pick off all the yujo members and has a hit list and is playing way too hard now? So basically i tell all my allies that eve and I are really scared because someone told us that Billy wants to pick off the yujo people for an easy vote these next few rounds in the hopes that people won’t trust him if he’s playing too hard like that and hopefully the word gets back to the sonkei tribe members. 

So we have a problem, Eve and I are sticking together as former yujo so we let each other know what the other person has found out. So anyways I talk with Landen for a little while, I trust him, and he proposes this plan to vote out a former Shosha tribe member which i’m not against. He says he’s talked a little with Sammy and Jacob C too. So I let Eve know and she says interestingly enough she’s been talking to Nicole and Nicole proposed that her, Eve, Kevin, and myself all vote together and Eve says maybe against Landen. Eve also let’s me know that Nicole and Jacob C are very very close. So now Eve and I are split, I want to vote with Landen and get a Shosha tribe member out, she doesn’t wanna go against Nicole and wants to vote Landen out. We’re kinda the swing vote here and I want us to make the right decision. 

tribal is getting closer and closer and nobody wants to make a decision! They’re ALL asking ME what to do which i guess is nice but i don’t want them all thinking of me as the decision maker this early. Right now it’s between landen or kevin going so i’m doing what i can to make sure everyone’s fine with writing Kevin’s name down. 

Let's make this quick because I am obviously stressed as fuck and I just had the most whack ass dream about this game. In it, half this cast got kicked out of the game for being minors and it was actually a Facebook game, then we appealed it and held a whole trial bc some chick compared us to South African famous wanted murderers and we were offended so we held a trial and won the appeal and all the minors got back in the game but then there was instant tribal council and it was a live tribal and we were all whispering to send home someone named Charlotte who isn't even in this cast I... Yeah. So  you can tell THAT'S how paranoid I am about this tribal council, my brain is driving me insane. We going in a million different directions!!! Anyway here's what happened last night. As SOON as I sent in my video confessional saying things are going to be fine, Pete messaged me (hilariously enough, he literally just messaged me with news AGAIN, but we'll get to that later.. it wasn't big enough to change the whole confessional) and said that things had blown up. Essentially what he told me was that Nicole is very close with Eve, but she's also very close with Jacob. Because of this those three kind of took control, and essentially Nicole wants to work with Eve/Pete/Kevin/Jacob. That would leave me and Sammy on the bottom. I knew as soon as I heard that, that Nicole's plan was to vote me out tonight. Jacob loves Sammy, so if they're working together closely, I'm the target, that much is obvious. So basically this entire day would be a race to make sure that we can sway Eve and/or Jacob and make sure the votes are on KEVIN, not on me. Because he doesn't talk to anyone. I gave my best pitch to Eve, but I don't think it worked that much, she doesn't like being in the middle. Nicole/Sammy/Jacob were all like "I'm at work" "i'm driving somewhere" "i'm at a party" lol we love excuses. I'm not buying your fake shit, you just don't want to talk to me. Notice how I said would be though.... Teehee! Well, turns out, I told Juls about all this madness, and my hero, the light of my life, has decided to help me out by giving me a Sit-out-at-tribal advantage! Not 100% sure how it works yet, I REALLY hope I get to make some dramatic play with it at tribal and actually talk about using it... But if not, I'm just glad for the safety. While I'm not 100% sure if it would be me or Kevin going home and if we could sway the votes, I'm not willing to risk my safety at the arena. It's just not going to happen. And I want to see how interesting things get when I return! So when it comes to this tribal, that's honestly my main plan. Sit out with Juls' advantage. Laugh as the fireworks play... Hope to GOD that Kevin, who probably gets sent home, dies in the Arena too. Gotta have faith he can be beat. I'm not amazing at challenges, good, but not confident enough that I'm willing to risk my spot in the Arena now that it's gotten down to all active people who are giving it their 100%. Notice how I said I'd make this quick but I didn't? Yeah this is a mess. So... tonight is going to be VERY. Very fun. You could even say it'll be a disaster..? For them, at least.

So, Darcy could prove to be a useful asset to bring close to the end. He voted for me last round, and he said he figured that'd reduce trust between us. Honestly, he's absolutely right, I want very little to do with him now, but I'm just "playing nice" until it's time to cut him out.

Billy is going. Kinda hope he comes back so we can win. Even if we don't it's nice to have an easy vote. I think I need to position myself just a little bit better here. Even if i'm not near the bottom, I need to act like it. I need to have chris and jordan's loyalty over emma. And Emma's over theirs. I need to be in the power position, without being viewed that way. Me not going on skype might help that perception. I'm good at these challenges, this one not included, so I should be solid going forward.

i’m playing a spreading info game.... is it gonna get me in trouble? maybe! it might! but it could also get me far so high risk high reward. please pray that the info i’m leaking doesn’t get tacked back to me

This first part of the game for me has been some of the worst gameplay that I've ever displayed. I've received votes every single tribal, I've made no strong connections, the only guy I trusted 100% got his ass voted out, and I'm sitting in the Arena for the second time. It makes you wonder how the fuck I do this shit without breaking down. Well, that's sort of what I did. I broke down after that tribal man, hard. I fkn hate getting emotional man but it felt like complete SHIT being alone and neglected. Truth is, every way I put it, even though I don't wanna admit it, I got no one but myself to blame. What I need in this game is a reset button. When I come back, and I WILL come back from that arena, I need to start a clean slate and get all that chaos the fuck outta there...for now. Fuck I need to win that arena. So bad. When I go back to Sonkei, Imma make sure that I'm the one on top. 

So for starters, my tribe won immunity the other day, so we got the tribal break we deserved!   Now, waiting on arena, where Juls from my tribe, Landen from Miraitowa, and Jordan from Sonkei are competing for Silver and Bronze, then Pete and Billy are competing for the gold.   In which, my ideal scenario is Billy winning the gold and coming back, as I feel like he could be a potential ally I could have come another swap or merge if him and I make it there together.  Then I'd want Juls to win the silver, since it'd be helpful for next challenge for yushu, then can potentially win another immunity!  Preferably in this scenario, Landen wins the Bronze, just so that one of the other tribes don't end up coming back with two medals.  Anyways, this game is fun, and I made final 19, now to see if I can find anything in Olympic Village this next round, as I have still yet to find something.

I'm going to go ahead and try to improve this situation slightly. I think I have the makings of a fantsatic position, it just needs to be perfect. Billy and Emma fighting at tribal while Chris was doing his own thing pretty much sums up everything I needed. I need either Chris or Jordan to be my new #1. Jordan appears to be a paranoid nut, Chris is the opposite. I tend to have greater successes with the paranoid nut, but who knows. They need to like me back, which is easier said than done. If Billy comes back we are likely winning the challenge. We won't of course, cause that's who we are, but who knows. My semester starts up tomorrow, which is going to harm my activity a tad, and I'm already not that active, but we'll see how that influences anything.

I DID IT I DID IT I FUCKING DID IT THEY ALL THOUGHT ID JUST BE A FORGETTABLE PREJURY BOOT ID SUCK AT ARENA AND BE DONE AND GUESS WHAT IVE NEVER DONE ANY SKYPE ORGS BEFORE AND I STILL FUCKING DID IT SCREW YOU JACOB C SCREW YOU SAMMY SCREW YOU NICOLE AND SCREW YOU KEVIN I AM HERE BECAUSE I FOUGHT FOR IT AND I FUCKING WANTED IT BAD AND I TOOK OUT BILLY TO BE HERE!!! HELL FUCKIN YEAH DUDE IM NOT PLAYING NICE WITH ANY OF THESE BITCHES ANYMORE 

I’ll do a video later. Billy got voted out which was unfortunate as I really like billy and vibe with him but it doesn’t make sense to flip when I think I’m in a good position right now. I had a good convo with Sarah, really vibe with her. I have my alliance with Jordan, Jacob, and Em which I feel good about they’re just real quiet. Need to talk to them more 1 on 1. I have my duo with Pines that I feel real confident about. I hope that’s not my downfall this game but I think pines and I are gonna do great things. 

https://streamable.com/2bc03 - pete wins the gold medal.mp4

Well baby dolls, basically eve tried to exclude me from an alliance but I beat that bitch to the punch! And my fearsome foursome played her like a fiddle while she thought I was going home unanimous in all actuality we had the upper hand and dropped the hammer on Pete 4-2, with Landen volunteering for the arena Eve was left to fend for herself for cute little 24 hours and chaos ensued when she realized what happened hopping between calls and chats to damage control for her lack of judgement in including me into things, therefore she feels on the outs and while I was a part of this scheme and to an extent playing a role of the victim who found solace in a group of three who wanted to vote for me, all of which is false, I’m still using these moments to rebuild a bridge I never knew got burned to ashes so she can potentially INCLUDE me in things going forward, after all we’re both out of the loop right? ;)

Tribal was quite spicy. Nobody reacted to Stoner rolling a blunt while em and billy were arguing and my soul left my body from trying not to laugh. Just found out Billy is not coming back, which honestly whew, because I feel like he'd come back with some vengeance. He's probably a good team player normally, but my only impression was..not great! Hopefully we can come together as a tribe now and aim to NOT go to tribal in the first place. Although I still feel like, entering into this new tribe, there are many, many layers. Salty, spicy layers. Like a delicious onion dip. 

Nicole, watch your ass. 

So let me backtrack to before tribal. You’re probably wondering how I got here! *record scratch* Anyway, so we constructed a tribe to have a 4-3 majority, and in doing that there was always going to come a day where when we lost we would have to choose who was going to go between Pete, Eve and Landen. I feel badly because, they’re newbies and obviously putting a reasonable effort into this game BUT, it’s the name of the game, if the returnees didn’t band together we were going to get picked off and have a hard time like Karen is on their tribe. Anyway, so the day comes and we have to go to tribal. NONE of the newbies talked to me about game before we lost. I need to point that out.  As soon as we lost Eve said “what the hell are we gonna do now”....m’am! WE? WHO’S WE? anyway, I played along and was just about to tell her we were going to vote out Pete when she says she was on a tribe with Pete and could make a good number for us. She says I can pull in Jacob...Jacob can pull in Sammy...hold on a minute. Are we leaving out Kevin? WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE KEVIN? This might as well be a Home Alone sequel because they’re leaving Kevin out of EVERYTHING! or at least that’s what I’m being told (more on that later). So I don’t want any weird advantages to get pulled out of anyone’s pocket at tribal and so I obviously go along with it, I say everyone is fine, Jacob will vote with them, we hate Kevin. Basically whatever we need to do. Honestly, I don’t feel bad. You can’t not talk to people for a full two rounds and then decide when you lose you now have a majority. Anyway so, good thing we kept the Pete vote a secret! Because I feel like Eve would have been able to make whoever had the advantage (Juls, I think) use it on Pete and then we would have been REALLY screwed. Anyway, it worked out. We voted for Pete. He left. Eve yelled. The more than curious thing that happened after the vote that makes me second guess my whole alliance is the fact that Beck came out of nowhere and told me that Sammy knew about the advantage because Juls was talking about it on a call (WHICH IS AGAINST THE RULES BC SHES AT THE ARENA BUT I GUESS WE JUST FORGET THAT PART FOR NOW BECAUSE THERES A BIGGER POINT) Anyway, in short I need to focus on keeping more info for myself and not telling my alliance. I’m used to having a ride or die alliance that I can pour info into like I did with Kinky Booties in Seychelles. I knew that info was going to aid in me going forward. Here I’m not so sure. They could literally vote me out next if they want me and push Eve into my spot because she’s a newbie and in that way, less of a threat. But anyway I tell Beck, as I’m telling them, Beck keeps writing to me as if he is being instructed to tell me more info. I don’t know if it was Juls (again, against the f*ing rules, these newbies are..!!!) or if it was someone in the alliance, maybe Jacob or Kevin. I wouldn’t think Sammy but, I don’t know. Anyway I don’t feel safe, and I’ve beat my lowest placement that I’ve ever gotten BUT, that doesn’t mean I want to get out just yet. I don’t feel good about winning this game but I would like to make it onto a jury for once (I’m always at FTC if I get past premerge 🥳) That’s all I got so far,  check back in for my MENTAL BREAAAAK after immunity results for next round bc if we lose, I’m gonna cry. I can’t deal with this again, especially since the whole Pete situation has been pawned off on me. 

SO we ended up switching the vote within the last few hours to save Karen <3! Karen made a push to save herself by going after one of the OG Blue tribe (Ben) and I was fine with the vote since me and Beck had already been in the works to blindside him in the future and since I think Karen will be more reliable at the moment I was willing to stick my neck out if Juls and Caeleb were down for the plan. With that being said I left it in their hands to make the decision so that it feels like I'm with them and shows them as power players to Beck. As soon as they made the decision I ran to Beck with the news so that he would be in the minority and for him to tell Darcy. I ended up voting Karen because I knew she would be safe but I wanted to create doubt and paranoia in everyone's mind on who voted with Ben and I think I wouldn't be the first suspect you think of. Only a subtle move. For the arena I was rooting for Billy to win to cause chaos on the Sonkei tribe and so that Pete would go home because I think Pete might become a big threat and I rather he be out now than later. Also apparently Juls used the exile to make Landen safe from their tribal council it was obvious they were each other's #1 but now other people are starting to see it. I think that we need to put an end to it because she's telling people like Sammy about her power who she's not even on a tribe with, so it shows she's planning on jumping ship the moment she's not on this tribe. Juls NEEDS to go home. I'm gonna push for her to go home this round, next time I'm on call with Beck I'm gonna try to convince him his best move is to get rid of Juls so that way a big threat is outta the game, and it makes the game that much smoother sailing. It might upset Caeleb but honestly I find people like Darcy and Karen very easy to work with and willing to work closely with me in the long term in comparison to himself or Juls. So my plan is to try and get Beck to consider going after Juls stating how she is not going to be loyal to us come a swap unlike Karen or Darcy would be. 

I, big dumb dumb, would like to retract and apologize about what I said about Beck and Juls bc when Beck told me I actually did message Juls saying I’m stressed and it didn’t occur to me that I ALSO BROKE THE RULES. I turned myself in but, yeah......it’s way harder to remember not to talk to people than I realized. Shame on me for JUDGING THEM for being newbies and not knowing how to follow the rules. This is the opposite of my proudest moment lmao 

Whew what a round. BIlly is gone and honestly gonna miss the guy, I think he would have been a great shield for me at early merge, but im not too bothered by it, because Pete is somoene I think I can work with, so like good either way with this one. If we go to tribal again I am going to be in a very awkward position. Because I dont want to vote out sarah and I think the rest of the tribe does, meaning Im gonna need to make a decision if she is gonna be expendable to me or not. ideally we win until a swap but judging by our performances so far... I wouldnt count on it. I think if we did lose Id convince stoner to work with Sarah and to take out one of emma or jacob. I liek them both but at this point Im running out of options. Im sure theyd do the same in my shoes. I'd like a tribe swap, but in the same sense Im a lil scared of a tribe swap too haha.

Reallllyyyyy tired of going to tribal. Kinda scared of billy now 

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: Volume 6. Argus Limited

This is a re-posting from Oct. 27th, 2018 in an effort to get all my recaps fully on tumblr. Thanks!

Volume Six is here, folks! I am so very, stupidly excited for this season. Heartfelt thanks go out to my friend who was all, “lol yeah sure” when I begged to use their FIRST account to watch. There are heroes in this world and they’re one of them.

A quick note about recaps from here on out: they will (my productivity willing) be uploaded sometime on Thursday or Friday proceeding the new episode. This is partly so that I’m not scrambling to post immediately afterwards—stress and bad writing all around—and partly so that, you know, we can actually recap stuff before the next episode airs. So yeah, that’s the goal.

Let’s do it!

We open on a gorgeous, snowy scene with ROOSTER TEETH PRESENTS smack dab in the middle. You know that feeling you get when you hear the Harry Potter theme at the beginning of a new film and the whole theater loses their shit? Same with Doctor Who and Star Wars? Whatever your preferred fandom, the point is I get the same chills when RWBY comes back and it’s excellent.

The animation really is gorgeous though and I sigh happily whenever I see it, thinking back to the days when cookies disappeared directly into Ruby’s mouth. There’s nostalgia, sure, but it doesn’t beat this detail.

We hear the distant sound of a train and then we’re thrown into exactly what we’ve wanted for literal years now: Team RWBY back together again, fighting not creepy adults but just some good, old fashioned grimm. They’re chimeras and… griffins? Ngl I’m not entirely sure, but they’re big, flying, fire-breathing nasties, so that’s really all we need to know. Luckily everyone falls back into old habits, easily supporting one another and executing perfect attacks (a contrast to the residual tension we’ll see in just a bit). Ruby is so busy posing after a successful kill that she misses the grimm coming at her from behind. Weiss saves her ass with a cheeky, “Thank me later!” At the end of the fight we get a reversal wherein a hit nearly sends Weiss tumbling off the side of the train, though Ruby grabs her at the last second with her own, “Thank me later!” It’s a fun little exchange made better when we think back to the Vytal Tournament. Weiss still “had her back” then too, but was more resistant to Ruby’s proclamation that they’re BFFs. Now the teasing is on both ends.

Notably, Ruby saves Weiss by taking her into her semblance, creating a cloud of rose petals that are half red, half white. Now combined with the old team-ups and some shots in the new opening, this has led a number of fans (myself included) to wonder if a WhiteRose pairing is in our future. Which also means that the ship wars are in full swing. Needless to say I’m not about that nonsense and I’ll only point out here what I said episodes back: if it’s a queer relationship with one of our main girls, and not a random side character who was previously out to murder a whole family? I’m on board.

Back in the fight though. The rest of team RNJR appears with Nora exclaiming, “Why is it always something?” God that’s a mood. Welcome to adulthood, kid. It’s just one crisis after another—except in your case the crises are objectively more dangerous. Sorry about that. We get to see Jaune’s improved reflexes as he fends off all the fireballs with his shield while Ren and Nora team up to knock some of the monsters out.

Honestly, I love this trope in action stories. Where—as Nora does here—a character just shouts out a friend’s name to get their attention and they immediately know what kind of move they’re about to pull off. It’s made more hilarious to me given that RWBY once had attack names and Jaune at least made the attempt with JNPR...but apparently they're not needed anymore. So unrealistic, yet so very cool when used.

So yeah, things are going pretty smoothly… up until Oscar yells out “Tunnel!” Ruby saves Weiss from falling, they manage to get over or between the cars, and in the sudden darkness we transition to what we only realize later is a flashback. At least, I didn’t realize it until later. Totally thought we’d had a time skip and they were just hopping another train…

My stupidity aside, before we hit the train station we actually see a familiar hallway filled with angry voices discussing the disaster at Haven—one of which is Adam’s. I really enjoyed this technique, wherein we slowly pan across the room as the voices grow more frantic and the sounds of fighting break out, the camera revealing bodies scattered across the floor. By the time we reach the throne—and Adam on it— we realize that the fight occurred prior to this moment, something that Adam is now remembering. He goes all skyward scream on us as he howls menacingly. Okay, dude. Compared to Cinder and Salem you’re really not all that.

Now we’re at the train station where Qrow is narrating a letter to Ironwood. Hell yes, please bring back the badass, protective Ironwood who defended the students at Beacon and stood up for Weiss. I’d be very pleased if he joins the RWBY gang by the Volume’s end. Qrow’s optimistic about the trip—they’ve plans to reach Ironwood before the letter does, which says either good things about Remnant’s transportation or bad things about its mail—though of course we as the audience know it’s not going to be nearly that simple. We learn that only two weeks have passed since the battle, but people are still reeling from all the implications. Lionheart tragically lost his life defending the school and oh, some students coincidentally were there and did some stuff. Excellent choice in showing us the mindless crowds while we hear this, the naive masses who, yes, would absolutely believe a story like this.

It’s easy to criticize no one supposedly noticing Salem, magic, the finger Ozpin has in every pie, etc. but ultimately people believe what they’re told—especially when it’s much easier to swallow than the truth.

Enough of the doom and gloom though. Ruby is having the time of her life.

Qrow: “What’s with the running?”

Ruby: “What’s with the standing?!”

I love this girl so very much and it’s wonderful when we get to see her acting like the kid she is. She uses her semblance with abandon because yeah, if I could turn into rose petals I’d be doing that all the time too. Ruby teases Yang with something from the gift shop and I really hope we get to see what that is. Yes, we end the episode with everyone left stranded in the wilderness, but if Yang’s bike can survive then so can Ruby’s souvenirs.

(Seriously though they presumably lost all their luggage that sucks.)

Everyone else is in top, feel-good form too. Nora daydreams about hitting the beach, complete with a thought bubble of topless Ren and a beachball. Weiss quips about how she spent all last Volume getting out of Atlas, thanks, but Ruby reassures her that at least she’s back with the team now. When two jokers arrive boasting about how they’ll be the ones keeping the train safe from grimm, Ruby and Yang act exactly as nieces should when your cool uncle is telling them off. AKA, making fun of them behind his back.

God they must have been terrors as toddlers. I mean we already know Yang carted Ruby off into the woods one day so yeah, I’m pretty confident in expressing my surprise that Tai doesn’t have a full head of gray hair.

The two Nice Guys go on to specify that they’ll provide extra protection for a “generous tip,” which—while essentially a throwaway line—reminds us how most of the world functions outside of our close-knit cast. Money, and more specifically Schnee money, quite literally dictates who lives and who dies. Not everything about RWBY is fantasy oriented…

We learn that everyone is just waiting on Blake— “as usual��—and we cut to her with Ilia as the two of them say their goodbyes. Ilia will be helping Ghira lead the Faunus in a “new movement” and is supposedly 100% on the straight and narrow now. Cool? I guess? To be honest I’m fine with her taking a back seat for this Volume. There’s a moment where we get a shot of Ilia and Blake’s feet, the former’s angled forward in a classic kiss pose, and I was super glad to see that they were just sharing a hug. I really don’t want the first LGBTQIA kiss on RWBY to be iffy on consent, considering that Ilia knows Blake isn’t interested. Hug though? That was super sweet.

Sun and Neptune show up to say their goodbyes too. They’re heading to Vacuo to meet up with the rest of their team because, in Sun’s words, he’s the “worst leader” ever. You kinda are, dude? I loved Sun up until they had him following Blake without her permission and continuing to do so after she asked for space, all in the name of the guy supposedly knowing what the girl really needs. The reminder that Sun abandoned his team to do this just reinforces how much I dislike that plot-line.

Sun gets the kiss—on the cheek—and after leaving Neptune lectures him on “letting [Blake] go.” Except it’s not about you? Blake is off to quite literally save the world and the fact that these guys view that as a threat to any potential relationship is… icky. Ugh. Oh well. They’re presumably gonna be offscreen for a while.

The train finally arrives and everyone piles in. We’re back to bunk beds! And of course Team RWBY is situated exactly as they were in Beacon’s dorms. Weiss gets annoyed with Ruby’s cloak hanging down over the side. Blake has a book in her lap. Ruby challenges Yang to a video game. Cue nostalgia. I fully expect fluffy AU fics where they ride the train all the way to Atlas and treat the trip as one giant, dramatic sleepover. This is non-negotiable.

Tension seeps back in though when Yang moves to pull her luggage from the rack and Blake immediately hops up to help her. In a super guilty “I know I fucked up and now I’m gonna smother you” way. Really excellent voice acting here. Yang ends up reassuring her. No, things aren’t perfect between them yet… but they’re definitely improving.

While short, for me this scene was perfectly balanced between acknowledging the girls’ complicated relationship without totally undermining the happy mood. Nicely done.

Then Qrow shows up with a drink. A drink with a slice of orange on the side. I have never enjoyed a moment more and I was so surprised I didn't take a screenshot of it. Clearly I was too distracted and am I too lazy to go back for one now? You betcha. The point is everything is fine, dandy, and filled with alcohol.

So of course RT goes and ruins it for me. Something hits the train and in a split second everyone is on high alert. A quick peek out the window reveals grimm and Blake mutters darkly that it’s “just my luck.”

Qrow: “Not yours.”

Are they gonna leave the safety of the train to those bozos from before? Hell no. Especially when one guy is grabbed right when the fight starts. I mean, poor dude, but he also kinda sucked as a Huntsmen. He wouldn’t have even made it past Beacon’s initiation, let alone graduated.

…I guess he’s kind of like early Jaune? Useless, wannabe hero who acts more confident than he actually is? Aw, now I really do feel bad.

He’s grimm food though. Gotta move on with our lives.

The other dude isn’t doing too well either, though RWBY and NJR + Oscar quickly show up, coming full circle to where we began the episode. Oscar insists that he’s got this fight under control which tells me (hopefully) that in the past two weeks they’ve had serious conversations about if and when Ozpin gets to have control. That’s super great, though I do wish we could have seen it. Flashbacks, maybe?

As the fight begins Ruby announces that the plan amounts to “don’t let anyone else die.” Uh...Ruby? Buddy. Pal. This is why people die. Because they didn’t have plans! Pyrrha—god rest her reckless soul—went off after a freaking Maiden by herself. Jaune got Amber killed because he didn’t obey the plan of watching the door. Lionheart frantically calls Salem with no real plan for what he’s going to offer her in exchange for his life! Plans are important, Ruby. You’re the team strategist. It was a badass line, I grant you, but please do not.

Luckily, no one (else) dies. That would have been pretty brutal for a premier. +1 point for world building where we see that trains like this have built in defenses to fight off grimm. -2 points for how useless it ends up being. As Qrow quickly points out, the turrets are drawing all the grimm to the front of the train where the passengers are. So, not good. Oscar is charged with telling the surviving goon to knock it off already while Qrow faces off against the super fierce chimera grimm. Not gonna lie though, when its tail first started up I thought Qrow was getting attacked by a dove…

This time when we hit the tunnel everyone makes it back safely inside with the exception of Goon #2 who gets his arm injured in the scramble. He’s literally crying on the ground when, in a pretty harsh move, Qrow drags him up and demands to know what the hell all that was. Civility and benefit of the doubt? Not Qrow’s strong points. It allows Ruby to take control of the situation though. How do you make sure that your cast of kids is continually calling the shots?  A) isolate them and B) when you can’t do that have the adults act like children instead. We see that a fair bit in RWBY.  

Jaune steps in to heal the guy’s arm, which is an unexpected surprise. I honestly thought we'd get a whole Volume’s worth of him figuring out how to access and control his semblance, though I suppose once it manifests you’ve got the basics down. We’ve seen that semblances can be improved upon—Ruby turning other people she carries into petals; Ren dampening the emotions of a whole train—so presumably Jaune will be able to heal more complex and life-threatening things in the future. We also hear in the ensuing conversation that he can amplify someone else’s aura…to be decided what exactly that means, how it connects to healing, and what the limits of the skill is.

During some theorizing about the attack Ozpin brings up that grimm are attracted to the relic they’re carrying and… oh boy. Here we go. Is it tradition that every recap the fandom goes for Ozpin’s throat while I stand here defending him? Might be. Let’s create a (semi) comprehensive list:

This might have been less of a secret and more of a slip. The guy is thousands of years old and the forces they’re dealing with are stupidly complicated. He can’t info dump every detail of a multi-century war in one sitting. So—

He might have thought this was one of those innocuous things that shouldn’t take precedent right now. Not the sort of thing he needs to worry them with. He claims in the promo that he didn't lie to the group and he quite possibly didn't. There's a big difference between lying and not telling someone every single possible thing that might be pertinent. Especially when—

We know that grimm are already attracted to people/negative emotion and they’re sequestered within a whole train full of presumably stressed travelers. There’s no reason to think the artifact would put them in more danger than they already are and therefore isn't at the top of the list of revelations to dole out. Especially with—

Qrow and his bad luck semblance. He literally just implied that the grimm were there because of him. There’s a reason he didn’t want Ruby near him during the fight with Tyrian and now they’re all stuck together in close quarters. The grimm were coming anyway. Even if we didn't have Qrow's semblance and big crowds we can also assume as much because of—

Those turrets. They weren’t there for a fashion statement. The whole train was crazy armored. They’re clearly very used to getting attacked on this route. It's a normal thing.

All of which is to say that the relic is one of MANY reasons why they might have gotten a buttload of grimm on their tail. Ozpin mentions this as one possibility in a very “Here’s something else to consider” way and everyone (characters and fandom alike) jump on him like he’s solely responsible for this predicament. Besides, what would they have done differently? Not carry the relic? That’s not an option. Be more on guard? They’re already constantly on guard. None of their actions would have changed had they known.

Really though, it’s the keeping of secrets that people are mad about, not necessarily what the secret is. So if we ignore the possibility above that Ozpin legit didn’t think this was worth mentioning/even forgot about it, we have a) he withheld the information because it might have made them wary about traveling with others, but they need to get to Atlas as fast as possible and the train is the best way to do that. So yeah, that’s a possible change, though I agree with Ozpin’s theoretical logic here. It was worth the risk.

b) he didn’t tell them because—again—worry is a negative emotion and that might have just doubled their problem. Awful as it is, knowing you're carrying a thing that might attract more grimm is one of the best ways to make sure that you do, in fact, attract them. Knowing what the relic does is dangerous. 

c) he doesn’t trust them with all the information about these super powerful relics that are going to decide the fate of their world. Which honestly? Kind of fair. Yeah, I know he promised them no more secrets, but this is a centuries old, god-like entity making a promise to a child. It’s not even really a matter of trust anymore. We’ve got a core group of nine here and everyone has someone else they’re close to. Ruby isn’t going to keep secrets from Tai. Blake will probably fill Sun in when she sees him again. Weiss is close to her sister. Etc. In short, as soon as this many people know a secret it isn't a secret anymore. Ozpin is no doubt aware that anything he tells to their now massive group is fair game and he has to carefully consider what he wants to risk going public/landing in Salem's hands. A general doesn't tell every lieutenant the details of every plan. That's a good way to lose the war. Fate of the world vs. a promise made to Yang? C’mon. There are priorities here.

d) finally, we’ve seen evidence—particularly after the iconic food fight—that Ozpin desperately wants his students to be kids as long as they can. He might keep information to himself simply because he doesn’t want to burden them. And given all the reasons listed above for why they'd be dealing with grimm anyway, what's the harm in giving them what little peace he can? It's not perfect reasoning and if this is the case the others have a right to be annoyed, but it's understandable. It certainly doesn't make Ozpin the monster I see countless posts painting him as.

Plus, Yang? I’m not sure you have the right to get indignant about keeping secrets right now. Granted, there’s some ambiguity surrounding whether she’s mentioned Raven as the Spring Maiden, but regardless we haven’t seen any evidence that she’s told the group the details of what happened down in the vault. That’s a pretty big thing to be keeping to yourself.

A lot bigger than, “Oh yeah this relic attracts the thing we’re attracting anyway. My bad.”

Why the relic attracts grimm is another question. Because it’s connected to the original brothers? Just because Salem wants it and she seems to be the grimms’ creator? We’ll have to see.

Ruby interrupts everyone’s fury to point out that they have bigger issues at the moment and Ozpin’s expression kind of kills me? He looks so shocked to have anyone standing up for him, even if it’s a defense of practicality instead of his actions. I wonder if this Volume is going to have the team starting to lose a little faith in Ruby. Given the clear divide here (angry Ren, Nora, Weiss, Yang, and Blake on one side; Ruby, Oscar, Ozpin on the other) this might be a major theme moving forward. It would make a lot of sense too given Ruby's past relationship with Ozpin. To Yang he's just her headmaster; to Ruby he's the headmaster that let her into her dream school early. To Blake he's someone who wanted information from her before she was ready to give it; to Ruby he's the adult who gave her advice at the dance and was emotionally open with her about committing more mistakes "than any man, woman, or child." No matter how far she's come, they'll always be a part of Weiss that sees Ozpin as the teacher who didn't give her the leadership position she thought she deserved; to Ruby he's the man that has put a staggering amount of trust in her: by letting her into his school, giving her a team, sending her to Mountain Glenn, etc.

Now, it might be time for Ruby to put her trust in Ozpin.

Fight temporarily averted, they decide to separate the teams… which felt a little forced to me. I mean I get it. As said, giant group. It’s hard to write and keep track of that many, so let’s knock three offstage for a while. Jaune, Ren, and Nora will see the people to safety while Ruby and the rest of the gang eventually catch up. We get a glimpse of Maria—the old lady with awesome glasses—clearly plotting something and then everyone heads back to the roof to finish the fight with the grimm.

Blake has a quick vision of Adam; the last time she separated a train car. Excellent touch there. Ruby tells Ren to use his semblance through the scroll, but we also get a glimpse of their signals getting weaker. Another nice touch considering how important we know the scrolls are throughout the RWBY universe: how the team keeps in contact during the Volume Four short, the damage that the fall of the CCT tower has caused, etc.

We get a final, epic showdown with a massive grimm where everyone’s teamwork proves to be some top tier stuff. Blake and Yang capture it using Blake’s ribbon. Weiss freezes off its wings. Then—in a fantastic split screen—Ruby and Qrow both use their scythes to cut the creature in two. I’m here for the power family moves.

Only problem is that a final fireball from the grimm hits the train, derailing their section. Weiss keeps them all from dying an awful death, but now they’re kind of stranded.

I mean, they already were stranded before, but I guess the hope was the back of the train would have carried them farther down the tracks before losing momentum?

In the final scene we have an unexpected voice happily proclaiming that they’re still alive but boy, that was a close one! Maria hobbles out, having clearly planned to be with this group when they went their own way.

My personal theory? She knows (and to some extent recognizes) Ozpin. I can’t believe he wasn’t involved in a conflict like the Great War. Hell, he was probably at the center of it and Maria looks very old by RWBY standards. We have no concept of how long people in this world can live so I don’t think it’s a stretch to put her in her 90s or well over 100—old enough to have fought in the War and potentially recognize one of the central figures, even in a new reincarnation depending on her instincts, knowledge, and semblance. Her name lends a bit of credence to her age, if nothing else. As far as I know “Maria” doesn’t mean/isn’t evocative of a color… though I’m far from an expert. Could totally be wrong about that.

Regardless, we’ll see. More info arrives next week!

Other Details of Note

The grimm are at a distance when we first spot them and they actually look a lot like crows. The same motif we’ve seen with Raven and Qrow’s entrances but, you know, bad.

I really liked Qrow’s line to Ironwood about how they’re bringing “more than bad news.” It’s appropriately vague—can’t go admitting that Oz is back with the group—and at the same time quite up-lifting.

I personally take Ozpin’s “I hope they’re not from Beacon” as more of a joke than a true worry. If you’re telling me that this old as balls control freak doesn’t remember every student that’s ever passed through those doors… I don’t believe you.

When Blake is saying goodbye to Ilia and Sun we have lots of animation for her ears, helping to express her emotions. It says a lot about her character development that she hasn’t re-adopted the bow in such a crowded, human packed space.

Neptune is pursuing the “wrong tree” okay lol that was good.

When Neptune and Sun discuss re-uniting the team we briefly hear the soundtrack from their Vytal Festival match. Excellent.

Interestingly, Oscar gives Ozpin control immediately during the conversation about the relic, almost like he already knew what was going to be revealed and understood that it was important… I wonder how much they’re sharing thoughts now, two weeks later.

Here, have a beach Ren and happy birb. Yes, I went back for the screenshots...

[home-halone]

I thought I could handle the recordings. I never realized how visceral the reaction I'd get was, just from hearing stories of emotional abuse and manipulation from other victims. I'm in tears for them. I have nothing but empathy and love for these people, and I stand by them but hearing their accounts is just so hard hitting. I'm in tears because I know the exact feeling of being in their shoes. It disgusts me that so many others had experienced this, and that he's neither the first nor the last.

The more I heard about their stories as I clicked to listen to each one, the more I realize how precisely my old situation fits the same pattern. In my case it did not happen on FFXIV and the abuser in question was a completely different person.

I actually used this game to escape my previous MMO.

I don't know if it's appropriate for me to speak up about the abuse I experienced here, or in this situation, if it takes the spotlight away from the here-and-now of it all, but if anything it just reiterates how common it is and how easy it is to miss. So, so easy to miss.

Did you guys know I used to be a healer main? I loved playing support, and I could never bring myself to tank or DPS. I liked helping my friends and working with them.

Did you guys know I used to be wholly content doing casual stuff? I didn't care about endgame, and clearing the latest content. I just wanted to hang out with friends, doing silly things, making a whole army of alts to try new things and classes with. I liked to explore and have fun at whatever pace I wanted and I didn't fucking care if anyone thought it was lame.

But then I met him.

I'd seen Q* around before. He was real life friends with P, someone I played with on occasion, but I had no real interactions with him.

At least not until Q and that friend had a fight, and pretty much left him with nothing. He played the game casually, and ended up borrowing much of P's things. Now that they weren't on speaking terms, he had nothing. I wasn't the richest player or anything, but a friend (who quit playing shortly after) and I offered to give him some in-game money to start off fresh.

Eventually, I saw him around more and more often, and I started to play with him. I invited him to communities I had been a part of, including a very casual weekly group raid group. It was very much less savage and more like extreme primals in terms of difficulty. So it wasn't anything crazy, really.

When we weren't doing that, we were farming and raking in cash for glamour. I thought it was nice because I knew that being P's friend meant he was of a higher skill level than I was. I trusted his opinion and followed his lead basically. Not only that, I really connected with him in a way I hadn't connected with other people. Spending time with him was a lot of fun, and we'd be on Skype for literal hours.

It was the same story. Very charismatic, somewhat flirtatious guy. It was all for fun until he started sounding serious and I found myself very into it even with all the red flags and gut feelings. When I confronted him about the nature of our relationship it moved to us becoming a couple.

But don't tell anyone.

It was a secret.

The same story.

I should've figured it out because a lot of times it felt like he was talking at me instead of to me. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but that's what it was. Consent was a line he would try to push. He would switch from an absolute sweetheart to using disappointment and frustration against me to get what he wanted. He never raised his voice, but he was excellent at making me feel like shit.

If I didn't play well enough. Because "this is so simple". Or if I didn't know where certain items were stored. Even knowing I have problems with my memory. If it turned out he had it the whole time, he’d laugh it off. If it was with me, he’d be so so disappointed and upset and tell me I’m careless.

Q wanted another group to raid with. I get it. He wants to do more, because that's just his skill level. I was in a very casual guild, but they looked up to me as a mother figure, partly because of my age compared to everyone else's, partly because of the character I RPed. I knew I could convince them to play, and it would make him happy.

They were all new, so they weren't like the regular group. But that just made them so malleable for him.

I became stricter and nitpicky towards people who treated me like I was the group mom. I kept the same tone but there was an underlying annoyance. Why couldn't they be as good? Some things are so simple. I started to echo what Q told me. Because if they failed, to Q, I'd failed.

Praises became so hard to come by. Even when I singlehandedly shortlist and fix our raiding roster, when I make literal spreadsheets for schedules and attendance and for the item directory just so I don't forget and I keep things perfect and convenient for him, just so he wouldn't be upset or disappointed. And he would top it off by being sweet and make up for two weeks worth of not spending time with me. He treated me like a retainer. Sometimes worse. I was there to accompany him to dungeons. As far as he was concerned, that was probably all I was good for.

Because when I'd asked to spend time talking, and not playing, I'd just get told that I was suffocating him. Like I was demanding more time, and what we had wasn't enough.

I organized every raid we had, I was raid leader, I called the shots, I pushed a group of casual players into helping me avoid feeling like shit by doing well enough. When it was my fault, I'd be blamed. Even when it wasn't, I'd be blamed. There were times when I had to fill a role we were missing. It couldn't be helped. Not everyone had every class. All Q had to do was show up and do the easiest fucking class. If we'd wipe, he'd ask me why I wasn't on healer. But somehow when I play healer he'd find all the ways to tell me what I was doing wrong. I didn't feel dependable. I always felt like I fell short and I wasn't good enough.

But I had to reassure everyone, I had to remind everyone. Cast this buff when X happens. Use this element for better DPS. I had to keep it all together until he shows up. Even when we'd reached one of the deepest parts of the dungeon we'd never seen before, and I was happy and excited for them, he wasn't. He was just disappointed we didn't clear.

So I became disappointed too.

Somehow, I had hoped it was the stress of school and it would pass. And Q will go back the the way he used to be when he and I first met. It was stupid but it was some sort of blind faith I latched onto. That somehow if I'd endured and if I were the bigger person, he would wake the fuck up. Obviously that wasn't true at all.

It got to the point where I really was just his retainer. Hold this. Go here. Go there. Why are you not producing the results I want? Affection was a reward, or something to quell me when I was upset and not a staple expression. I'd drawn a lot for him, but I'd hardly get a response. When I was kidding around and having fun making silly voices, all he said was "What is that voice? I'm just gonna mute you." And actually did. He was very pushy when it came to intimate stuff, asked for pictures and pictures and all that but showed me maybe two shit quality photos of himself and a 5 minute skype video call.

I could fucking solo heal 11 people and he wouldn't be impressed. He would nitpick me and ask why I hadn't used the right buff at the right time. Because healing is so easy. I would spend 4 hours straight doing some super menial stuff that would get an open-world boss into spawning mobs that you could farm. When I tell him I'd finally accomplished it, he'd check hours later when he wakes up to say "it isn't there anymore" and nothing else. I'd have to hold on but once he's salty he can rage quit at any point he wants.

I would be praised by other people, and I'd have fun without anyone pointing out how poorly I do or what I'm missing. The disparity was so evident but I kept lying to myself.

I gifted him an official comic of one of "our" favorite series via mail. He never thanked me. He complained about how inconvenient it was that HE missed the delivery and now HE has to go to the post office to pick it up.

I never got to read it.

After half a year of enduring this, I'd confided what I'd experienced with my guild, it came to light that he had been abusing them too. I'd realized we'd effectively converted my poor, fun-loving casual guild of friends into a farming mill for profit.

We farmed not for fun, but for profit. It was awful. Some of my friends still never want to set foot in that game again. It's been 4 years since then.

That's when I'd worked up the courage to break it off. Not for myself. It was kinda pathetic that what woke me up wasn't the need to fight for myself, but because he had hurt my friends. The ones who trusted me to guide them. People I'd hurt myself, by pushing them beyond what they really wanted via peer pressure.

Even when I broke it off it didn't feel satisfactory. It just felt like he didn't care. He went, "ah yeah, it's difficult." I mean that response makes sense considering at some point he told me I wasn’t his real girlfriend until I had sex with him lol.

And that was it. He gave back my stuff in game but lol wait remember the part where he knew I had memory problems? The fucker stole some gear from me and took advantage of that. Burn in hell, Q.

I lied about the reasons why I no longer wanted a relationship and made it seem simple, and I couldn't call him out. I didn't want to upset him. I was afraid of the dirt he had on me. I was afraid of what he'd say to me. Part of me is still afraid he has some of these things on me, years and years after it had happened. I never told anyone the full story really.

I moved on to FF at this point and it was a fresh start, with another friend inviting me to play. No one to tell me what was wrong.

But it sticks to you. The bullshit people like Q and Oldbear do to get what they want. If I said that I raid ONLY because I find it fun (and I do find it fun), it wouldn't be wholly truthful.

There's a part of me that still hears his sleazy voice telling me I'm not good enough. What I'm doing is easy. Support is easy.

I wanted to stop supporting and do things on my own ability. So I switched to DPS. I kept pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone to shut the voice up. I am good enough, and I can raid. I'm afraid to try new classes because of that fear of failure he'd inflicted on me.

I've never gone to a therapist because of the costs and the general stigma in the country, so I don't know how deep this has settled within me. But it's enough that I carry that elitist voice in the back of my head telling me I have to do more, more, more and that I'm not good enough.

Sometimes I’m in denial it was abuse and I probably just had a bad relationship with poor choices ;;;; Like I said, he never outright yelled at me, and he never swore at me or called me names, so I did not think it was abusive. But he gaslit me and used my emotional attachment as leverage whenever he could, would put me down but get away scot-free for things he’d do.

Anyway tl;dr emotional abuse is fucked up and downright diabolical and disgusting and victims suffer some repercussions long after they've moved on and fixed their lives, and now several of these women have had the chance to speak out and name their abuser we must give them that closure and draw attention to this very real and heartbreakingly commonplace issue.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 6: I slept through the night and didn't wake up crying this morning

So that's progress, right??? I think that the Theraflu helped me to kick whatever fever, etc. I had, because now I only feel sadness, not debilitating sickness. Head hurts a little- the way it hurts the day after I've cried intensely about something. I know this feeling because I had it probably weekly when I was with J, and I'd experienced a couple instances of it with R over the past month.

I'm trying to frame R as the bad guy, but it's still hard because I can't forget about all of the good--- because there was SO MUCH GOOD. I'm coming to realize though, that a large amount of the "good" was the face you put on for a person when you first meet and you're trying to get on their good side- even if you're not being 100% you. He did do some bad things, yes, but I keep finding my mind gravitating to the positive memories. That's natural and that happened with J right after we broke up, even though I knew he was 85% shit bag and 10% nice guy and probably 5% lizard person.

So here are some of the things that didn't, as he said "sit right with me" about him; let me know what you think.

1. He drank- like every day- like a couple or a few beers. I rarely drink, but I thought, if he can hold his shit together, we’re still having a good time- it's all good! Then one day, I was bringing up something we'd had a 20 minute conversation about the day before and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about. No recollection. He laughed and said "I was drunk!" I had NO idea because he seemed totally sober and I didn't realize that he'd had however many beers and like an entire large bottle of wine while we were playing video games with his friends. Come to think of it- I think the only times we were together and he wasn't drinking were when he drove here (I mean, I hope he didn't drink before he drove- WITH HIS DOG- over here.) And when we were out for a date day in Raleigh. He did have a couple drinks at lunch, but that's reasonable.  Any time he had a long day or something difficult happened- his first comment was about how he needed a drink.  I wish he’d sometimes just talked about some of those things instead of handling it with alcohol all the time.  That’s not healthy for anyone and eventually it will take its toll.

2. He drove tired. It was to see me (a 1 hour drive,) which I appreciated, but I'd have rather come to him or seen him a little less frequently if it meant he'd only drive when fully rested. Once again-- he had his dog with him every time, so he was putting them both-- and others-- at risk! This bothered me and I think it bothered him that I was bothered by it. He said he'd fallen asleep- like dozed off for a couple seconds- driving all the time and it was fine... 🤔🤔🤔 That's very much not okay.

3. He texted while driving. He said it's fine and he's okay and it's not a big deal. It stressed me out. Once again, I think he was bothered that I was bothered by him putting everyone in the car (plus others) at risk by driving distracted. But he's a cop and former military (and a white American man) so I guess there is that piece of him that believes he's above the law and he can just do what he wants.

4. He would not talk about his previous sexual partners- not a number, not anything, and he was adamant about it. I didn't like that; I didn't need details, I just wanted to have an idea of how many people he'd been with before me.  I just wanted to know that he was taking us seriously enough to talk about real life stuff like that.

5. He would not make our relationship official. We "dated exclusively" for 5 months and then he ghosted me.  And I was the one who asked him if we were exclusive during our first month because I assumed we were, but then I thought I should say it and get verbal confirmation before I ended up in a situation where I was dating someone who was dating other people because we’d never officially established those boundaries.

6. He wouldn't add me on social media because he "hardly used it." That was a gigantic red flag and I intentionally ignored it because he seemed genuine and it seemed like something silly to make a big deal of-- but I should have made it a big deal.  It didn’t sit 100% right with me, but I figured, not everybody is into social media and I don’t want to make it out to be a bigger thing than it was.  But what I realize now is that since it wasn’t a big deal, the fact that he was fighting against it was a sign that he was trying to hide something from me.

7. The only time he did a "weekend getaway" type of thing was when we were going to go to the beach a month after we first met. He was going to pick me up, we'd go to the beach for a few days and stay at a hotel there together. Then he said the person who was going to dog sit while we were gone had just lost their parent so they couldn't do it anymore, but he'd ask some other people. He said everyone he asked was unavailable, so he cancelled the hotel and said we could go to the beach for just the day and then do a Raleigh date- Disney Store, Build A Bear, cheesecake, sushi, etc. instead on the following day. But he's still be stealing me for the weekend. These were the first nights we spent together. After our Raleigh date, which included Disney Store (yay!) but no build a bear because the line was too long, and picking up cheesecake to go, we went to a different place to eat than originally planned because the restaurant wait was 2 hours. When we got back to his place, we watched TV and he gave me wine- I had a couple glasses- and those hit me pretty hard because I am a lightweight lol. I knew we were going to have our first time that night. It wasn't discussed, I just kind of knew, and he did, too... We had been building up to it so it wasn’t out of nowhere.  And I was ready- and I wanted to- so there was no issue with that. But looking back, I can't help but feel like he was trying to get some alcohol in me so I’d be more likely to go with it. He did not force anything on me at all, I could have stopped it at any time if that’s what I wanted, but I was totally aware and did what I wanted to do-- this still doesn't change his motivation for doing what he did and that on its own just doesn't "sit right with me." Also, it's convenient how he never sent me the hotel info before the trip got cancelled, and how everybody was unavailable, and how he was able to cancel the hotel so close to the time as well as the aquarium reservation (that I think you had to pay for.) Not saying any of this isn't what happened; it just seems really odd.

8. He would tell me the same stories again and again. I noticed him do it with his friends, too. And they'd just kind of laugh along- as if that's something they're used to. Had he already done some damage to his brain? I was concerned about that, for him and for me, but I figured, it's a quirk. I can deal with it.

9. He would always shit talk kids. Like he really disliked kids. He didn't want to go to the pool if there were "screaming kids" there. He said he did an escape room and there were kids there who ruined the experience. He talked about living with his ex (for many years) and how he got along okay with her kids but was closer with the toddler than the one in school. How do you LIVE with a person for years and then move out, but continue to date on and off, and just kind of get along okay with their kids?  And when he met my best friend and her husband and daughter, he was so great with her!  Didn’t even skip a beat talking to her and playing card games with her.  But I guess that’s all part of his ability to act like the “good guy” when he has to.  That makes more sense now.

10. The story of how he got his dog. The day we met he said as part of his sheriff dept rotation he had to work at the animal shelter and he ended up meeting Luna falling in love with her so brought her home with him. Couple months later, he's telling a story about it and said that it was his ex who wanted to get Luna and he only brought her with him after he moved out because Luna couldn't stay in the house alone with the cat and it was better for her to be with him where she didn't have to be crated all the time. So that was a good way to handle it, but that's definitely not the story I was told about him and his bond with Luna. He absolutely loves her more than anything now, but that's just something that there's no need to lie about?

11. He didn't like taking pictures. He said he didn't like his smile. I liked his smile; I still like his smile. It's cute and sweet and him and I always loved seeing it. But I get it, everyone has their issues with themselves. I told him I loved taking pics and that I was just taking them for me- they wouldn't be posted anywhere. He obliged a couple times for selfies and Snapchat filtered pics, but I could tell he didn't want to, so I wouldn't ask- and when we were at his friends' wedding party, there was a lovely floral setup and I wanted a pic together, and he saw the pic I took there by myself and asked if I wanted one of us there together, but I thought I should say no, so that if be compromising with the photo taking and his dislike of photos. I said, do you want a pic? And he said he never wanted to take pics, did I want a pic? And I said it's alright, he'd already been in another pic with me earlier. I was clearly disappointed and he should have just said-- it's fine, give ********* your phone and let's get one. But he said okay and we never got it. And if I had to do that kind of thing forever, I would have absolutely hated it.

12. When we met, he said he wanted to go to Disney with me, and that even though he gets motion sickness, he'd take Dramamine and go on rides with me and he'd be fine. Then another time he said if I could convince his other couple friends to go, me and the girl could go on rides and he and the guy could wait for us and drink 🤦🏽‍♀️. Then another time he said that he probably wouldn't much fun at the parks because he couldn't do anything. I never even asked him again-- these were just things he was bringing up to back out. Disney is my life and if my partner can't- or won't- do park trips with me, what's the point???

13. He said he loved the beach and used to love there and that he goes all the time. Then I told him I love the beach, too! He said that as a school resource officer, it was easy to get time off during the summer when school wasn't in session. I waited. We never went to the beach. He took one day off all summer and that was because his friend came over to spend Friday night with him before a card game competition on Saturday. I only benefited from part of that because I drove up Thursday night (through the worst storm of the year) and we went to the pool for a couple hours on Friday. I thought he did it for me, for us to spend time together... But it turns out, he didn't. He just fit me into something that was already in the works.

14. He didn't have any pet names for me, he didn't really ever compliment me outside of a few times when we first met, or the occasional, "I like those shoes/that dress/your hair like that." He didn't greet me through text with cutesy things, just a couple times when he said "what's cookin good lookin?" And that was it.

15. Presents- this isn't about physical presents, but rather about thoughtfulness and effort being reciprocated. The only presents he ever gotten me were two Build-A-Bears when we were at the mall another time, after the first date BAB plans fell through. We were walking around and the line wasn't super long, so I kind of pushed to go and he tried to avoid it, sort of, but gave in. I got a brown bear with a Captain America suit and R's voice saying "I'm Captain Falcon, huhu." He'd gotten confused once and called Falcon & Winter Soldier Captain Falcon, so that was a little joke we shared. And the laugh was just a cute and silly laugh he'd do. It was adorable. Also got a mermaid bear with a shiny beachy dress because she was as sassy and extra as me! It was so sweet and so fun and I just thought, this is real- I've found someone who gets and accepts me without judgement.

I had given him a matching St. Patrick's day shirt- we wore those together. I special ordered custom "pea in a pod #1" (him) and "pea in a pod #2" (me) shirts because he always said we're two peas in a pod. I tried to get him to wear it, but he said he was saving it for another time and that we'd get pics in them and then it was forgotten and we never wore them together. I took mine every time I visited; it was a staple in my overnight duffel.

I gave him a Grape Soda Ellie Badge Pin (from Pixar's Up) to show him how much I really liked him. I sent him cards in the mail. I got him a huge candle- like a nice $30 candle- because he always had candles lit around his apartment. I got him a beach/pool towel because he would just use a regular bath towel when he went out to the pool. He said he liked mint tea, so I got him a large Epcot Starbucks mug and a container of Starbucks Mint Tea. I gave Luna multiple bags of dog treats and a couple bandanas. I gave him a nice blanket to lay on the couch so Luna could sit on the couch without messing it up- because before that he wasn't letting her on the couch because he said it would ruin the couch. My mom made meals and sent them at least 4 or 5 times. I made cheesecake- his favorite dessert- more times than I can count and took it for him. I also made rice pudding for him when he mentioned that he liked rice pudding. Anything he mentioned or anything I noticed- I was on top of it because I wanted to do things to show him I was listening and I cared. I already had a Christmas present for him and a couple presents for his friends.  They’re still up in my closet. I know he wanted the next Mario Party game for Switch so I was going to get it for him for his birthday, along with a new pair of Crocs because he showed me how his were wearing out at the bottom, but he still kept wearing them. I'm also not working right now and he is working- so if $ is a factor- it's harder on my end for this stuff. I never got flowers- even just a couple. He made dinners for me, but I made dinners for him too. He'd buy us Taco Bell sometimes, but it wasn't like a thoughtful gesture type of thing. I guess he isn't a card writer, so that would have been too much to expect... I always talked about my interests and passions and things that I enjoyed- so I would have been super easy to surprise with something- anything! Maybe like a cupcake from the cupcake shop down the road from him that would be closed by the time I'd arrive in town when I was visiting him. I didn't need anything huge, but he just isn't that type of person- not with me. He'd tell me how he went to this place or that place, because his ex wanted to go to a certain place for New Year's, so they went, or she wanted to check out somewhere else, so they went. And it hurt that I was getting a different side of him than she got- especially considering this was so early on and this was probably the best I'd get from him. One day I noticed that Luna's tags were never updated, so they still had R's number and his ex's number as contacts. I popped her # into Facebook and found her. She seems nice. I wouldn't know. The kids seem like regular kids. She's white. I think I already knew that though. I guess I'm 2 for 2 on being given less than I deserve by a man because I'm brown. It's f*cking hurtful.

16. He didn't brush his teeth after waking up; he'd eat first and that's just something I'm not a fan of. It's like a pet peeve of mine, and I refuse to kiss someone in the morning before we have both brushed our teeth. I did it one time-- I'd already brushed my teeth because I HATE morning breath. He hadn't. We were messing around I guess, and for some reason I just did it. Never again.

17. I never slept through the night with him in his bed. Maybe that was my subconscious telling me something was wrong and I shouldn't be there, but try as I might, I never could. We switched sides once, that helped some, but I was still up throughout the night. I took Benadryl to make me drowsy, it just made me sick. I took Melatonin; it didn't help. I had wine before bed once, it didn't help.  I guess my body was never going to acclimate to it because it was fighting its way out of something it knew it shouldn't be in.

18. He insisted I sign the wedding frame with him at his friends' wedding party (that's what his friends had instead of a guest book.) I told him he should just do it by himself, but he insisted. This seemed like he was telling me that he wanted us to be long term and that I'd be a part of his life and his friends' life for a while. He gave me hope and intentionally/unintentionally misled me into believing that everything was great and that he thought we were a good fit. He did this until he hit me with "I don't think we're a good match" and disappeared. Who pulls a 180 like that?? Rather, what kind of functional adult does something like that? Answer: they don't.

19. He didn't like stand up comedy. None of it, not at all. He said it's too forced. What the hell does that even mean. Everyone likes standup????

20. He wouldn't plan things, because he said his mom would plan vacations and other things down to the hour and that ruined trips for them-- okay I get that. And he has really intense and negative feelings toward his mother- they don't even speak. A lot happened in his family and he has his reasons. He told me about that stuff and it all made sense and he needs to handle those things in a way that's best for him. But he never stuck to plans with us. Everything was always changing. It was stressful to expect to go to the beach and aquarium and then hear, oh were going to the mall instead and tomorrow we'll do that. Then tomorrow it would be, oh we missed the aquarium window so we're just going to go to the beach. Then on the way to the beach, he pulls into a zoo parking lot and now we're at the zoo. This is too much crazy for me and if this is how he does everything... I can't handle it long term.  Or he would say we were going to do things- long term and short term, small things and big things- and I’d get excited about them, but then they’d just never happen and he;d make no effort to make them happen.

21. He's really wasteful. It's kind of a side effect of living along as a single guy and trying to be efficient. He tosses like a few things into the wash or the dryer, doesn't wait for a full load. One time I'm pretty sure he put in two towels and that was it. He only uses his dishwasher, but used almost as much water to rinse off the dishes before he loaded them in the dishwasher as he would to just wash them. He throws out recyclables (not his fault, the apartment is only collecting trash since the pandemic started.) But instead of using like a Brita filter, he just buys shit tons of bottled water.

22. All of his meals consist of the same basic group of foods. Cut up turkey sausage, turkey bacon (half of the time burnt- not crispy, BURNT,) eggs, hot sauce, wonton strips, salad, wontons, beyond meat/shrimp tacos. I didn't love the tacos, but they were the first thing he made me (our first date at his place) and he was so excited about them that I couldn't not love them. He made them again when I met his dad.

23. He wore one of two pairs of shoes all the time. He wore solid polos and khaki shorts or pants anytime we went out. At home, it was athletic shorts and an old Hanes t-shirt (usually a white one, sometimes a black one.) I understand comfort but like... He never tried to look nice for me and I always had multiple outfits with me just in case. He did wear the St. Patrick's day shirt I got for him a couple times.

24. I think he was genuinely bothered by my celebrity crush on Chris Evans. And this isn’t like how I used to be kind of jealous of Taylor Swift when my ex was obsessed with her-- because I knew he was never going to pursue her or walk up to her on the street and leave me for her.  Obviously the same goes for Chris Evans.  I'm not even going to say anything else about this because it's ridiculous.

25. When we met he said he was respectful of people's passions and the things they like because why wouldn't you be? We even talked about how my ex looked down on me for the things I enjoyed.  But I really do feel like he wasn't about my love of Disney or Concerts or beach time... You can never trust men in the beginning. They all just lie until they get what they want and then you see true colors.  Why not support the passions of someone you care about?  What does that take away from you?

To be continued... I need to make myself eat something. Fever didn't come back today so hopefully it's done for real now.

[u-flower-u-feast]

♡TAG CHAIN♡

i was tagged by @harry-did-that  who constantly challenges me with the toughest questions and scenarios lol!!! Thanks honey!!💖💖💖💖 

im tagging @harryzayn​, @heliosfleur​, @haesthete​, @luvinari​, @anotherblackharrie​, and anyone else who wants to (i just finished this and im exhausted and can’t think of anyone else lol!!)

Rules: answer the questions given to you by the tagger, write questions of your own, and tag people!

🌸The questions I was given🌸

1. when and how did you become a fan? give me all the details and feelings hit me with that nostalgia! Tbh I was one of those snooty hoes who hated wmyb and was like “If they’re saying what makes you beautiful is that you don’t know your beautiful....... Then what happens when you finally think you’re beautiful??? They probably wouldn’t think your beautiful anymore” laskjdlkajslkdja!! But after faking like I hated the song, this girl in my science class came up to me and was like *Slams down some random teen mag with the boys on the cover* “Pick one!!”......... And I was like “Uhhhhh..... No thanks??” and she just kept getting on my nerves about picking one, she eventually said if i picked one that she’d leave. So I looked............. and I said *pointing to harry and zayn* “Either him or him” and she had the nerve to be like “No!!! You cant have him (Zayn) he’s mine!”........ me:

and since that moment of childish, superficial, decision-making........ I’ve been a dead hoe 4 harry.

2. whats ur fave 1d moment/memory? I’m blanking all of a sudden alksjdlakjslkdj!!! All I can think of rn is when harry almost died on 1d day tryna pull that cute ass stunt

Pretty much..... 1d day in general laksjdlkajls!!!

(Me too harry lol) Harry looked so divine??? So yeah lol!! 1d day for sure

3. if you were to fight harry how would you go about it

Sis........... I’ve been dreaming about this. In a perfect scenario, we’d be friends already so he knows that i’m fighting him with love from the deepest, darkest, coldest, crevices of my heart. So, it’d have to be a time when we’re just hanging out somewhere, preferably in someones (preferably mine) apartment/house. We’d be watching queer eye or something gay, and discussing what from this seasons gucci line we’re gonna buy. When all of a sudden i’ll go in for a random, friendly hug, and he’ll accept...............................................................To his DEMISE!!! CAUSE I would bite his ear (not off, just to clarify lol!! Just a nip lol!!) and go straight for his neck and choke him out alskdjlksjldjka!! He’d probably start panicking, but at this point i’d tell him how long i’ve been waiting to do this, and that i’m doing this out of love............ nothing but pure love. So when he blacks out and wakes up laid out on the couch, with me placing a cold ice pack on his head, he’ll probably ask me what tf happened....... So i’ll tell him the truth, and tell him that he fainted and started convulsing and that i had to call 911 (or whatever the emergency # is wherever we are) and they told me what to do over the phone; and that by the time they got there he had settled down and was fine, but i needed to apply a cold press to his head where he fell and make sure he has solid food on his stomach.😇😇😇

4. so like, if we had 1d (ot4/ot5 idc) locked in a room and given them truth serum slkdnlksdnf sorry for this au but, what 3 questions would you ask them (feel free to do more than 3 its been almost 8 years full of lies so)

I’ll give you one for each year of lies aksljdlakjslkd!!

1- What the fuck were Zayn and Harry laughing about on 1d day?

2- What is each of their honest opinions on the others??

3- Crystabel Riley....... Thats all I’ll say on that..... But I want the truth lol!!

4- Why tf Zayn had the nerve to say that he and Harry never talked???

5- The Infinity video????

6- If they hadn’t known Zayn was gonna leave, who would they truly want to leave the band????? Or! If they could sacrifice one of the others for Zayn to stay, who would they sacrifice??????

7- Did Liam really think that Japan would be hotter cause its “near Australia”??????? (a waste of a question, but a question i need to ask for myself lol!!)

8- And because i’m nosy and would never ever ask any other time or under other circumstances; Out of all of the people they’ve been rumored to have been dating/dated, how many have they actually dated? and which ones??*Mainly this is for harry, but i’ll ask the others cause...... you know.....

5. tell me some of your fave people on here (treat ppl with kindness spread love n all that look at me being a proper Harrie™)

I have a couple of faves lol! I love @harryzayn she’s amaaaazingggggggg even tho she tries me on a daily basis alskjdlkajsldkj!! Oh!! And her moodboards (x) are spectacular, she’s legit the reason why I started doing moodboards (barely lol!! I’m lazy y’all, but she's not lol!!)

@haesthete She always has amazing hontent and is very sweet and kindddddd lol!! And is always (in my opinion) on the right side of henny serious harry drama

@luvinari is an absolute angel who blesses my dash with harry and ariana and others i can think of rn lol!! 

@bluehydrangeia She fills my dash with my mother lana del rey, harry, and aesthetic!! That and I never fail to get more literature knowledge from her lol!

Theres a lot more, but when I’m put on the spot i blank out lol!! If we’ve EVER talked, or interacted you’re probably on this list too lol!!

6. signature scent/ favorite perfume(s)?

I don’t really have a signature perfume, but I like to mix cherry and vanilla body sprays lol!! That! Or warm vanilla honey/toasted hazelnut from b&bw  

7. please tell me a random fact or story about you, give me that Exclusive knowledge

Ummmmm....... My *tries to remember while sitting down* right side of my hip is double jointed lol!! That and i entered 2 different kinds of writing contest and won both of them lol!! Ya gurl is actually good at writing believe it or not alskjdlakjs!!! Bonus! I’ve actually gotten too deep in my feels a couple times and wrote fics for @harryzayn to read lmaooo!!!

8. money, body issues, and all that shit aside, what would your dream fashion aesthetic be?

..........Rianne you hate me lol!! I have about 50 aslkdjalskjdl!! So I’ll give you a top 5!

1- Rocker Chic

2- Simplistic Minimalist

3- 70s Kween

4- Eclectic Bitch

5- Rich Business Hoe

(Bonus!)6- Flashy young rich trophy wife having a night out

9. would you rather have: the cut bits of carpool karaoke like the mcdonalds drive through, audio’s of all the 70 songs harry wrote (yes including baby honey), the infinity music video, the 900 hours of unseen this is us footage, harry’s dunkirk audition tape, a recording of that alleged hour long zarry phonecall when zayn left, or a copy of nialls folder full of unseen selfies with his boys. you kno what im nice you can have two

You are so fucking rude rianne alskjdlkajsjdalj!! I’m gonna go with...... All 70 of harry’s hidden ass songs. And............. *has mini existential crisis cause i can’t choose between the zarry phone call or the this is us footage* I’m gonna choose the this is us footage cause that would be a lot more positive *whispers: but if you want to be a super nice, cool, amazing, totally unique, game changing, never replicated friend........ You’d let me take the zarry call too lol!! *

10. whats something you’re proud of?

*Thinks hard for about 20 minutes.....* Umm I think im proud of the fact that, any musical instrument i’ve learned (3-4) i’ve taught myself??

11. something you regret?

Being too nice to people who didn’t deserve that from me.

12. what bothers you? here’s a chance to… go off

People who have literally no musical talent, but feel the need to go on mile long rants about musicians/artist they don’t like and try to simplify any musical or artistic process like making (GOOD) music is simple and easy.

On the other hand, musicians with absolutely no musicianship at all, who get by based on looks or a really weirdly strong fan base despite....their....lack........of talent??? (Bonus trash points if they’re also just really shitty people in general)

People who feel the need to bring up negative shit in the middle of anything happy. Like??? We could all be having a party over harry painting his nails black, and they could be like “Why tf is his nail polish chipped already??? He was probably picking at it cause the devil jeff made him do it” Like????? Shut tf up cindy (Also this is a made up scenario lol!!)

...... Pms?? The thought of having to pay bills?? Taxes??? The government???? The patriarchy??????

💖💕✨🌻 so here’s my questions🌻✨💕💖

1. There are two types of people in this world. What are the two types?

2. If you had to lock away 3 of ot5 in an underground cave, who would you lock away??

3. If you could have a never-ending candle that smelled like anything you wanted, what fragrance would you want it to be?

4. An interesting au question i just though of lol! You’re chilling at home, when all of a sudden you get a call from Harry. You answer it only to find out that he has you on a party line with the other boys. They’re all panicking cause they’re having different emergencies and they all need your singular help, but they’re all in different locations 20 minutes away from you. They’re all convinced you’re their best friend and that you’ll help them first. You can only help 3 and the other two have to figure their problem out on their own, or face the consequences. Who do you help first, and so on? (and yes the bottom 3 will be mad at you. The person in 2nd place will be disappointed but they’ll eventually get over it.)

5. Whats your favorite *insert ur fave 1d member here* look?

6. What would be the scariest monster you could imagine?

8. If your life was a book, what would it be titled?

6. Quick! You just won the lottery, what are the first 3 things you buy?

9. Would you rather have: True love, but live in less than ideal conditions. Or Be rich, but be married to someone you despised?

10. Whats something you’re proud of?

11. Three personality traits you hate?

12. What are you afraid people see when they look at you?

[theycalledmecrazy]

It's strange to say, but I'm one of the last people to shop in the wee hours of the morning at a Walmart. I finished my shopping and approached the cash register right around midnight. The cashier had just clocked in and had just been told that was her last night working the late shift as a cashier. Starting tomorrow, all the Walmarts across the nation will close at 11 PM. Third shifters like my cashier will be in charge of cleaning and sanitizing a store and assisting in restocking for the next day.

It's a strange thing to think about. Our lives are so convenience based. Anytime day or night, if you need something, there was probably a store within a reasonable driving distance that you could go to and find what you need, barring any specialty necessities. 

I wonder to myself if this move won't be slightly counterproductive to containing the virus. As it stands now, shoppers are spread out in the major big box stores over a 24-hour period. Now, with many stores taking 8 or so hours off in the middle of the night, shoppers will only be able to access the store within a 16 to 17 hour timeframe, naturally leading to a higher concentration of people during those times.

It's been a week of interesting firsts. Just the other day, Mike Dewine, governor of Ohio made the announcement that Ohio schools would be closed for 3 weeks. For the first time in history, every Disney park on Earth is closed at the same time. And for the first time in my knowledge, my job has authorized people who don't normally work from home to do so.  

I digress from my point. First, I suppose some backstory will be due. This is being written on the Ides of March in the year 2020. I am in Columbus, Ohio, United States. I am 37 years old. The country, state, and city have all declared states of emergency in the wake of the spread of the Covid-19 virus pandemic. As I dictate this to my phone, I'm driving home from Sidney Ohio, having just completed a route delivering medicine to nursing homes. I work two jobs.

I began researching this disease and the spread of it well before it hit American shores. I've been watching the John Hopkins 'heat map' since the second week of January, a time when the only mention of coronavirus you heard was your coworker telling a joke involving it going best with lyme disease. I've learned about its capability of spread in an urban populace, and I watched the drone footage of the "ghost city" of Wuhan several weeks ago, long before it went viral (ha!) via Facebook. A booming urban metropolis reduced to how London looked in 28 Days Later. I learned about the term 'Community Spread' before it was ever uttered on American live feeds. My productivity at work, my attention to friends, my normal functioning bottomed out as I became hyperfocused on the menace that I begged the universe in vain to keep overseas. I should have known, and should have been preparing. But, as humans are prone to be, I was a product of my environment. That culture of convenience and procrastination. But now there's no more convenience and no more procrastination.

I now know that things are going to get worse. These kind of rushes on product like we've been seeing is just the beginning. We are going to face days of true scarcity. I fear that even with my recent stockpiling, that my "preparedness" has come too late. I remember my father teaching me how to stockpile and prep for days when there would be scarcity, and I've failed to do so effectively. Over the last week or so, I've done my best with the small amount of resources I have. As things stand now, my shelves are stocked. I know how to ration in emergency situations, and although it will suck, I know that I can ration much smaller amounts because I have a lot of fat on my body that my body will live off of for extended periods of time. I always joked that being overweight was just a surplus Y2K survival kit. Turns out, that's truer than I'd like it to be. I thought keto was my path to losing weight. Turns out the coming days will be much more effective. 

The scenarios that we had always gone over in are prepping drills involved an attack on the United States or some uprising within. All that boogaloo horseshit you hear, or heard. Ways to make sure that your food was secure from people that might be looking for it. Making sure that you had weapons to defend yourself and those in your care. Safeguards against basic things like frostbite or heat exhaustion. Basic first aid. Foraging. Boy Scout shit. The drills never included anything like Covid-19. At first we were told that the illness was little worse than a common cold, just a little easier to spread the people. Now, we are getting reports that it creates a fibrosis in the lungs, and even if you recover from your bout of the illness, you can be left with up to 20% reduced lung capacity. People in Hong Kong are now reporting that healthy adults that have recovered from the disease now get winded by a brisk walk. In Japan, a recovered patient has tested positive for the disease again, making the medical community wonder about the antibodies that the bodies of recovered SHOULD be producing. Dad and I never prepared for anything like that. I think the best hope in the situation that we prepared for would be that any human we come in contact with will have also been similarly reduced in  capacity, since this disease looks to be one that will spread to a majority of the populace. I'm glad that part of preparedness is adaptability, but I'm still sitting here rambling.  

I've tried to focus on purpose in the last several days. I keep telling myself that it's important to stay positive and to still do the things that I love doing. Indeed, I still play cards with my roommate and my gaming group of friends, all aware that we may wind up having to quarantine once 'things get bad'. I watch people that I love still doing the things that they love, seemingly unaware of the world that's collapsing around us. What I like to go see a movie? Would I like to go to the mall? Would I like to go see a show in a theater? Absolutely. But while many do not notice, we don't live in that world anymore. Well, some still do. They'll live in that world until the very last moment they can - which is why I had to live in this new one so soon. Even now, when it's becoming apparent that the world as we knew it is over, social media is alight with blissful ignorance and vapid resistance to the world we find ourselves in. 

When the first cases were reported in the state, it was on a day I found myself financially unstable. I couldn't have prepared for anything that day if I'd wanted to - I had victoriously paid off two large pieces of debt and was done with an 'only has money' week until next payday, and even the next paycheck had obligations. Instead of writing a plan, I wrote letters to my loved ones with advice for the upcoming hard times, and an apology for leaving them(before you all sound the alarm, that's not what this is, and that feeling has long since passed). Reading the letters to myself, I realized the cowardice behind the words, and despised myself for a few days after deleting them. Though, admittedly, even now as I watch the heat map and watch the numbers rolling in, I somewhat long for cowardice, but steel myself and square my shoulders for the task ahead. 

Now this.

Some friends have asked me to promise to get their loved ones to them if I'm closer to them than they are, or even to keep them with me and keep them safe. For all my misanthropy, I guess people still see me as some kind of fringe guardian in many respects. I suppose it's because they know I'd die before letting someone I care about die. I wonder if it makes me exploitable, or if maybe that's just my purpose. It makes a lot of things make a lot of sense. Sometimes in the horror movie of life, you're the one that distracts the monster so the others can get away. I have no illusions of being the hero, but I won't turn down the opportunity if it happens. Ugh, this paragraph was self serving as hell, but I'm not deleting anything at this point. Watch me ramble. Maybe there's something valuable in it. 

That time is a bit off, but I know that I'm going to see loved ones die in this, and I know that my friends in my time that read this will think I'm being overdramatic(I'm sure some of them haven't even made it this far and have either called me or forwarded this to authorities - both unnecessary, I assure you). I know that I may not survive what's coming. So I think the best thing I can do is do what I've always done. Write. I will write and hope that my words will create a culture among those that read my words in a distant future. My goal is to make you, the reader, not make the same mistakes we made, the mistakes I made, the mistakes anyone made. I won't have an editor, most likely, so forgive my rambled mess of a memoir. Maybe someone in the future will edit and make sense of it all. 

I hope that this is all just me ranting and raving about something absurd and in the future this will embarrass me and we'll all laugh about it. If you're in the future and reading this, however, that means that scenario isn't what happened. I hope things are better for you. I hope that I'm talked about with good words. I hope some of my loved ones are the ones who saved these words and shared them with the world. It would be really great if it was me, but I'd probably edit out this whole paragraph, so probably not. That's ok. Either way, it's now 2:30am and I must unload groceries and get them shelved. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm going to play some video games while I can like the old millennial I am to escape for a couple hours before my nerves finally let me sleep. See? Rambling run-on sentences. You'd never guess I was an English major. Ms. Somers would be so disappointed (lol). I told my friends in February that we'd be ordered to stay at home soon. They called me crazy.

I didn't realize until just this moment that if anyone ever reads this aside from those I send it to in order to preserve it, I'll essentially have been writing my own eulogy. That's fine. I'll take that.

I decided to create this Tumblr on March 30, 2020. In the two weeks since writing this prologue, things have progressively gotten worse. I will write more tomorrow.

[briteboy]

stealing @bratsims format because i need a less ugly way to mass answer your messages which will hopefully motivate me to stay on top of this! at least i can say i tried

so if you sent me an anon message in the past...idk MONTH (i’m bad i know) it might be here. (older ones are near the bottom) if not, check my faq because it’s probably answered there. (and if you’re the person/people who sent the twin flame & 7th house asks, i plan to answer those separately because i have a LOT to say. get ready)

game of thrones, nuclear war, real life santis, lou theories, i’m evil, HERE WE GO!! i literally had to cut it off at the last one because it was just too much for now. i’ll try to answer some more later ok

we’re starting off on a great note

Anonymous said: gaddamn rooney's tiddies lookin' hella ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

STOP!!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S MY CHILD soaidfnjds she’s supposed to have like b/c cups (goals for me tbh, the big boob life is not fun) and sims 4 pregnancies just fuckin make them...NYOOM i’m mad you can’t edit sims’ bodies during pregnancy even with cas.fulleditmode on -___- so i let her live with her giant preggo tiddies for now

Ngl I want a kiss between Santi and Gianni (I'm sorry I'm literally trash)

then i’m here to satisfy your desires: they do kiss periodically because gianni is one of those people who’s like “why shouldn’t you kiss your friends?” free love 4 everyone

IM SCREAING AT UR YOUTUBE CHANNEL OK!!!! I LOVEEE IT, WOW

DON’T IT’S UGLY EXCEPT FOR LIKE TWO VIDEOS

hey this is kinda random but i thought joe seaward from glass animals looked kinda like santi? he has quite a weird face too lmao

oMG i actually love that, i know what you mean. that dude reminds me of a bull terrier lmao i actually saw glass animals like two weeks ago!! i didn’t really get a good look at the drummer but now i wish i did. missed connection

i just finished reading santi's story and ugh it almost had me in tears! beautiful, your story telling skills and editing skills are perfection!

ahhhhsdkgkds thank you so much ;____; that means the world to me <333

Unpopular opinion: im so done with game of thrones tbh. It's not even good anymore :/ I liked the first season but since then i've skipped through episodes because they are just sooo fucking boring and dragged out!

see like the first three seasons were pretty good because they stayed true to the books. (actually that’s a lie, littlefinger’s chaos speech in the s3 finale was real fuckin bad because guess what: it was original material LMAO) the fourth season was where it started to get messy and then the fifth season was a fucking shitshow because they completely IGNORED the fourth book and cherrypicked all the “good” parts out of it (read: the most action-y parts, while ignoring all the most important pieces of character development) and they botched the dorne storyline, oh and who could forget the iconic moment of throwing in a rape (THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS) just for fun :) love it! but anyway if you think the show is boring i probably wouldn’t recommend the books, they’re even slower getting through them lmao. but it’s worth it in my opinion. there’s so much they don’t include in the show and it makes me Angery

Okay, game of thrones fan here, I haven't read the books (yet at least, I bought book 1) but I feel like dany is going to practically turn into her father, this season she is already showing traits like his.......

OH YEAH i definitely feel like they’re moving in that direction in the process of revealing jon as the “true” king of westeros and it’s so bad lmfao. the thing is, like...cersei is already mad king 2.0? why do we need another one?????? the entire point of dany’s arc is that she’s constantly trying to deviate AWAY from the way her father ruled, demonstrated by the fact that she freed the slaves (whereas all the targaryens before were slave owners), the fact that she’s not perpetuating the whole incest thing (LMAO GUESS AGAIN BECAUSE JONERYS HAS TO HAPPEN FOR SOME FCKING REASON), the fact that she has dragons which haven’t existed in how many years...like, if she ever ends up being like her father in the books, it’s NOT gonna fucking happen like this. but i don’t think she will anyway, george rr martin has been pretty clear about her trajectory thus far. anyway this show is so ugly, next question

rooney's eye are so BIG

just like her tiddies lmao i kno sometimes i forget how big they are and then she does one of those silly endearing animations and i’m like o ;-; hello big dumb baby cow eyes

Cows? Are you secretly Matthew Daddario?

WHO i had to google him lmao i was about to say “oh the teen wolf guy” but jk @ myself u idiot it’s shadowhunters damn i literally googled “matthew daddario cows” and

tru

I love how fragile Lou looks like but the truth is that she is strong af and you can't play with her bruh

SHE IS ;-; and that’s a huge theme in her story, i’m excited <3

ima leave ur blog and come bk and spam you so you will finally notice me

im part of this online forum of girls that talks about our period and weather or not one of us might be pregnant and once this girl posted saying that her husband invited his mom without telling her to thier honeymoon and she didnt find out until they arrived at the hotel and she was already there. the most recent part reminded me of it. but long story short, her dad moved all her stuff out of his house and her friend came to pick her up and they got a divorce.

OISOJDFAKNLJSD WHAT!!! i’m guessing you sent this because of that thing i said about the reddit post lmfaooo imagine your mom on your honeymoon. why. that’s soooooooooo good 4 her u know. u don’t need to be married to his mom as well

thanks 4 trusting my love santi. he's beautiful

thank u he thinks ur beautiful too 💘

do you have any tips for runing game in good quality and fast?

euhhhhh the only tips i have for you are to merge your cc, close all other programs while you play your game, maybe invest in a cooling pad uhhhhhh yeah idk any other tips you can probably find on google

You told that thing about unfollowing people and I thought you unfollowed me, but then I checked and you didn't and I'm crying omg

lmao omg ;-; i literally cut my following list in half, it was so chaotic and it was making me anxious. so if ever unfollow any of you please don’t take it personally (i know it’s a stupid thing to say, and it’s a lot easier said than done) it’s just my brain explodes when there’s too much going on at once and some content blends into others, i’m trying to only follow people who i’m genuinely interested in enough to keep up with their posts from now on

I haven't been able to sleep in over 72 hours thanks to the constant fear over the looming world war. I'm fine. Completely fine

Oh shit, have you noticed that the media has been putting out more 'what to do during a nuclear attack' kinda articles? This world is slowly going to shit, for real. I'm not even near any of the danger really, but it still absolutely terrifies me to see all of that bc it could very well go wrong and hit my place as well yknow? I have no idea why i send this to you but you seem chill and calm so thanks for reading my freakout askfjsls

YEP it’s pretty terrifying. but at the same time don’t let fear overwhelm you, fearmongering is an ugly, ugly thing and you don’t want to live your life constantly worrying. so just prepare yourself for what might come, but at the same time, just spend as much time with your loved ones as you can, do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do, and then if it doesn’t turn out as bad as we thought it would, you *tim mcgraw voice* lived like u were dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyin’

@ Jesus anon: I really don't think it's the right time to complain about "using the lord name in vain" when there are people terrified of leaving their homes bc they are afraid to get killed (aka that poor, poor Jewish anon in charlottesville)

yeah idk like i want to respect everyone but it seemed to be in poor taste to bring that up at a time like that lmao. and also i’ve literally never in my entire life met someone who actually takes “don’t say the lord’s name in vain” seriously. 

I asked about the poses and HOLY CRAP THANK YOU SO MUCH! I finally have good poses to use for story telling. Thank you soo so so so sooooo much!

YAY i’m glad you found some good stuff <3 and honestly just going through lana’s blog you’ll find a ton of good poses, it’s a gold mine

Idk how much tv you watch, but have you've ever come across a tv show that used music from The Sim? Because once in a while I'll hear Sims 3 build/buy music on some random show and I'll get a lil shook because I find it so weird that the generic music they're using comes from a major game title.

OMG LMAO NO what i wish i’d come across that tho. one time i used sims 1 music in a video i made for school and someone recognized it

I love your stories gosh I check your page "it's everyday bro with femmesim flow" Lol sorry for that awkward Jake Paul "poop" ❤️

lmao thank u i had no idea who jake paul was until my friends started talking about him

yo, I also remember once in french class real life santi asked me what videos games I like to play. When I told him the sims, he looked at me for a while and shaked his head. He was like, "why do you want to watch your sims use the toilet?"

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WATCH YOUR SIMS USE THE TOILET SAME that’s all i care about when i play

that rooney face in the 5 facts is so iconic, its my fave picture of her. You should blow it up and frame it

i should tbh. i should print it out and put it in my wallet to show everyone because she is my child

sorry the bother you, merging cc makes your game smoother? can you explain to me please?

boop

hi i love you ♡ pass it on

I LOVE U

Can I say that hearing a MacBooks fans screaming for dear life as they try to cool down when playing the sims has actually started to haunt my nightmares

SAME my macbook is actually doing it right now for no reason. thanks laptop

Maybe Santi should go to therapy to talk out his issues.

maybe he should 🤔  but tbh he’s already talked out everything, there’s nothing really more to talk out. he just has to cope with it. he’s treated lou like his therapist thus far and that’s not okay

i love ur story and omg i totally get where lou is coming from with being tired of being compared to molly by santi, thatd hurt so much esp with how much she cares about him

thank youuu ;-; i’m glad you understand, this was a part i’d wanted to get out for a loooong time now, and i know you guys were always like “um why does she put up with this” lmao. she just loves him, that’s why. but you’re right, it does hurt.

My theory is very similar to the other anons in that Fiona's dad/Lou's ex had a mental illness (schizophrenia, depression, what have you) but he actually did kill himself and that's why she's not completely losing it on Santi because I feel like most people in that situation would have not handled it as well as Lou did

🤔 you’re right about the last part, and there’s a reason she has so much patience, das all i’m sayin

i started your story from the beginning last night and i am in awe. Its amazing. It inspired me to put a little more effort in learning to edit and write. It was like reading screen caps from a movie! I didn't want to stop reading. Anyway thing was a super sappy ask, but i appreciate your stuff. And i'm bad at putting my thoughts into words.

omg ;__________; when people tell me i inspired them it means the most to me, my brain just can’t process it lmao. so thank you so so much ;-; <333 THE MOVIE THING ESPECIALLY GOT ME IN THE HEART because i feel like that’s my aesthetic with most things i create because i’m such a film person lol. don’t worry i love super sappy, and you did a good job of wording everything because it got me right in the feels <33

Okay I've been snickering for about 43 minutes bc SANTI GOT THAT GRU CHINNN

WOT is that i googled it and the only thing that came up was the dad from despicable me lmfaosdkjfs but ok

Please, please do punk edits of your some of your characters! I'd die.

WHAT DOES THIS MEANNN do you mean like. those 2010 tumblr edits of punk disney characters and then the joker from suicide squad looked like one of them. do u want santi to be the joker. because my boyfriend already relates him to suicide squad joker because of his face tatt lmao

You love to make me cry

i do i’m sorry. if it makes you feel any better i love to make myself cry too. but my biceps grow stronger with every tear

I reeeally dont think those chancla comments were offensive??? Why would they be?? I'm hispanic (born and raised in the sunny Dominican Republic, received a fair amount of chancletazos myself) and I laughed out loud when i read them 😂😂

I JUST WANT U TO KNOW I SHOWED @ichosim THIS MESSAGE AND SHE LAUGHED FOR 12 HOURS AT “CHANCLETAZOS”

whATT my little brothers name is santiago n we call him santi for short!! guess it's not rly that uncommon but we live in a small country and he's also 4 so like,, no other santiagos!! idk why im saying this its completely irrelevant just kinda surprised me :'))

OMG wow hell yeah another real life santi...santi acts like a 4 yr old so he might as well be your brother

Just curious.. Do you play sims or just use it for storytelling? Sorry if thats weird haha

well my recent gameplay pics should answer your question lmao. i do like to play but i don’t have enough time to both play and pose scenes so i mostly just pose scenes for now. :[ i am gonna be off work for like two weeks tho so hell yeah gameplay here i come!!

I'm starting a Fiona appreciation movement because she is the real star of santis story RT and i love her and she is way underappreciated and I love her KThxBi

SHE IS THE REAL STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ve said this before but santi’s relationship with her is the most important to me, out of every relationship he has in this story. i’m so glad you love her so much, sorry about what’s about to come in the next few scenes tho

Oh my heart, Santi is alive, god exist

I have a pretty hard time understanding Santi's story mostly because I'm not English but I'm sure I'll figure it out:)

ahh oh no D: i’m sorry i wish i spoke every language in the world lmao. if you want, you can message me off anon and i’ll help you understand it!!

Lou is an angel honestly

“there are worse things than seeing an angel before you die”

what tablet do you use? or how do you draw hair? it looks so pretty.

omg haha i don’t have one! i wish i did tho. all of the brushes i got from deviantart, i’m trying to find the specific ones but they’re all elusive wtf. i’ll post them when i find them! for now, here’s a good guide to drawing hair, by airi <3

Nah nah I always knew you'd save him.....eheheeh.....THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING BABBY SANTEEEEEEEEE DNDDNSKANW YOU WOULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH BLOOD ON UR HANDS AS ALL UR FOLLOWERS COLLECTIVELY DIE FROM A BROKEN HEART BUT DW WE DIDNT BECAUSE UR QN ANGEL....but I toooootally knew you'd save him... /sweats/

I’M GLAD U HAD FAITH <3 i know omfg i would’ve expected a mob at my house if i’d actually killed him. if i ever killed him i would just lay down somewhere and die. that’s it for me

Lou & molly almost always have teeth showing, do you draw them on each pic?x

no, only sometimes i’ve drawn them when i felt like their mouths weren’t matching the expression i wanted. but most of the time it’s just the pose.

is it too late to send 16k dollars to guarantee santi's inclusion in a loving home with loving friends

it is absolutely never too late to send me 16k i promise you that

I just bought school books for $550 who knew studying marine biology could be so fuckING EXPENSIVE

EWW WTF...i’ve been lucky and haven’t had to spend a ton on books in my college career (one time i even went to such lengths that i got access to free trial version of one of my school books in a pdf, screencapped EVERY SINGLE PAGE, which was more than 400 pages, just so i wouldn’t have to spend $70 on it. i love cheating the system)

waIT i never saw ur selfie where is it, must see

u could probably just search “selfie” on my blog and find it, or enjoy the ugly closeup drunk snap i posted last night

Hey guys I'm a happy trans man that has no mental illnesses. I'm fucking pissed about Trump's ban. And to any one that says it's logical FUCK YOU! I'm having flashbacks to don't ask, don't tell because this is the same fucking wacked up logic. I'm so angry, like I'm a human, yes I may require testosterone shots once a month but that's it, I even administer them to myself. I pay for them with my own god damn money so fuck you transphobic bigots who say this law is fair. It's not. WE ARE HUMAN TOO Also same anon that ranted. Sorry about that I'm just really pissed and I love and thank you for sticking up for the community. We love you and I love you. And you're right not all trans people transition. We all do what we want to. Some start on T or E and have the full surgery. Some just have top surgery. Some just do testosterone or estrogen. Some never do anything. We're all still trans and we're all valid.

YES ALL OF THIS, sorry i didn’t answer this when it was all happening. but askdkjfas thank you for this message, I LOVE YOU TOO, SO MUCH <333 and i’m glad you feel comfortable enough to voice this in my inbox. yes every trans person is valid no matter what they decide to do with their bodies <3

One of those old hot topic shirts that said " if Darryl dies we riot " but with santi instead of Darryl.

OMG LMAOOOOO NOW THAT’S A CONCEPT who’s making these i want one

your use of references and reaction pics and gifs fucken KILLS ME

Crystal anon here. I googled around my area to find there are none of those y'know, crystal, candle, incense, magic type shops. I have panic attacks when I go outside and I wanted to look into alternative stuff since I'm on meds and w/e. I wanted to know if you or friends had any experience or recommendations for buying crystals online like on etsy or amazon. How can you tell if they're real?x

ooooh ok. usually there are shops like those in cities or even in towns with like kitschy little promenades with independent shops. (i know there’s one around the town over from mine, which is so random lmao) i do have friends that have crystals but i think they mostly just collect them for the ~good vibez~ and don’t really look too far into the healing aspects of them. i would say first go with the one that coincides with your birth because those are the ones that are like specifically catered to you and strengthen your being. as for buying online, hmmmmm i mean i don’t really know any specific trustworthy sellers because i don’t have much experience with this, but definitely read the reviews! those will help you a lot <3

Hello could you please tell us how you edited the pic of rooney in that one post that the anon asked for the unedited version?

i honestly didn’t do much of anything that differs from my usual editing process! i made her eyes a bit bigger by using the clone tool, cloning the top of her eye and applying it a little bit farther up...if that makes sense. it’s hard to explain how to use that tool lmao. and i think i used the liquify tool to bring part of her eyebrow down to look more worried.

there's still a part of me that says she ain't dead and molly is just in a coma lmao end mE

OMFLDKGKJS yeah she’s not dead surprise. i WILL say there is still flashback stuff that will be revealed. well not “revealed” like molly’s death was revealed, like i just still have to showcase some things that happened afterward. because it doesn’t just end with molly’s death, there’s stuff after that as well :~}

I'm Mexican, have lived around Mexicans, have been to Mexico multiple times growing up, just came back from a family trip at practically the border between Mexico and Guatemala and never in my life have I ever heard the word "joder" i had to look it up xD (not hating or anything I just thought I'd mention it cuz I found it funny...lol) k bye...

OK NOT SURE IF the ppl you’ve been around just don’t curse or whatever but...joder is DEFINITELY something i’ve heard mexican people say before lmao

Okay so this is random, but i was telling my sister the name of one your characters in ur story (santi) and she kinda just starts singing his name, and she said "santi high, santi low, santi go." And im just sitting there, like woah.

LMFAO WHATKNJDSKJGD “woah” same

u gonna incorporate fis hat into a really like emotional sad thing in her story huh

oMG i wasn’t planning on it but hmm 🤔

Why no el chingo? NO ME GUSTA (I'm joking btw ily)

LMFAOOOO because i didn’t wanna have to defile my son by downloading the penis mod RIP

let santi grow out dem eyebrows 2kforever

omg he does let them grow out except for the little line he shaved in when he was 14 that never grew back RIP

in ur bio it says "kt" and i know why,, it means killing them as in killing off ur characters slowly i see u gurl

i bet this story was just an excuse for you to see the world burn. well done.

OMG i mean, that was definitely one of the side effects of it all. but really it was just that i NEEDED to get this story out after it had lived in my brain for so long.

ur dead 2 me

I... just.... can't... too much pain Y U DO DIS 2 UZ?!?!!!

[wreckshavocmoved-blog]

    i cannot believe i hit such a huge milestone recently. I’m blessed with such amazing people and writers on my dash. #shookaf yeah i’m going to make that a hashtag. i cannot express how happy i am that more than five hundred of you have stuck with me with a blog that i’ve only had since january. and though this may be something small, just know that i appreciate every one of you. thank you for giving me and my portrayal of veronica a chance. even if we may not write together, just remember you are hella amazing. i hope you guys have an amazing day/evening wherever you are.  

            stuntin’ gang

 @vanityriot / @spellmage :  OMG where do i even start with you? this has been such a wild ride. so wild that we got to know each other so quickly in a span of six months. and it’s weird because i feel like i’ve known you my whole entire life. i’d totally believe we knew each other in a past life ( :thinking face: ).  i can’t believe you’re seven hours away from me and you’re the first person i’ve met on tumblr in RL, an experience that’s unforgettable. you know how b & v were forever forged, well rita and krislyn are forever forged. i guess we just knew from one meme that this was going to be it, that we were going to write reggie and veronica the way we’ve been doing. our writing and just in general, your presence, the vibes we’ve given off each other just cement how much you’re in important person you are in my life. i’m so happy and blessed to call you my bestie. i can’t believe we have so many similarities in interests and in our personal lives. i admire you so much, you’ve always motivated me to workout, to just be a better person in general. and i’m forever blessed by that. here’s to many more hangouts, drinking parties, sobbing about reggie and veronica, korean drama binge watching, and being there for each other. you know i’ll always be here no matter what. that’ll never change. just like somehow my day isn’t actually a day until i’m talking to you. #rideordie can you believe we were sleeping on each other until the river.dale fandom? 

@valiidations : okay i couldn’t tag your other blog, but i hope you can see this. leela, leela LOML.the river.dale fandom wouldn’t be complete without you. i remember we connected over a rant about kevin. and i think i knew from there you were just going to be someone special in my life. i’m so honored we were able to explore kevin and veronica, the way we have, and how in a way our friendship mirrors their own. i mean that in the way that we’re very close friends. we’ve been through a lot of things and despite that i’ve always loved despite the hectic schedule going on with our lives, you’ll always make time to talk to me. even if it’s just a little hello. you don’t know how much that means to me, how much happiness i get whenever i see you pop up. you never have to apologize for taking breaks, i’ll always be here. same with everyone else <3

@welldriven / @leftown:  lee, lee <3 wow, i can’t believe that this was another person i was sleeping on. i still remember being hella nervous to talk to you on jughead because your writing and your mannersisms were just so on point. and i’m like what am i doing ? i’m just this awkward mess. but we’re both cheese balls at the end of the day, we’re going to unite with that. your portrayal of all your muses and the love you put into them are just hella flawless. you know i’m always going to listen to whatever is bugging you. and we can definitely relate with a few things. next time, when we’re all united together we will be definitely going to that bar and yes we’ll have rum together. lol. i made you a promise about that and i’m not going to forget that. i’m just glad with how close we are and i can’t thank you enough for being there for me. also our snap rants stay iconic af.

@steeledveins :  sam ! my OG meme dealer, my cooking expert, and lover of all things HOT DOG BOI!!!! i will never forget that we bonded over gordon ramsey and we watched kitche nightmares while i was in the process of moving. good times and also many more rabbi.t adventures. it’s facts that we watch movies together. you never fail to make me laugh all the time, you’re so ridiculous, and i appreciate that we have the same type of humor. i’m blessed to have met you tbh. and i’m always in love with seeing you thrive on roman, aka the only roman for me. we’re pretty much the same in how we put a lot of effort into our muses. like we’re extra af when it comes to research and you get my struggles when we gotta make it on point as possible. i’m always happy to hear your thoughts on roman and i’m always happy to each about anything else you’ve been willing to share with me. thank you so much for being an amazing friend to me. 

@kefsana / @sonderlai  : miza, you’re here because ?? honestly i don’t think my dash would be the same without you. i’ve always admired the way you write. how you describe how your muses feel with such precise words like it stays making me cry. i love all the effort you put into your muses, whether it be from something philosophical sayings or just the random back and forth in our conversations that are insightful. we don’t have to be in the same fandom, i just love to admire you and everything you do. also, no matter what i’m always going to be here for you. i hope you know that. so, just thank you for being a blessing in my life <3. still pretty convinced you’re real life sana ? xoxo @ithurielbled : i have to include you, you know you are my love even if we haven’t written anything on veronica. i love you and clary to pieces. you’re such a sunshine and truly your words always bring me to tears. you’re so good to me, like you’re always spreading positivity through our convos and i know you do the same with others. you’re always making me smile and i’m convinced you’re an angel. also the way you detail how clary views someone or even the metaphors you use are so well thought out. your writing is very beautiful to me. also i always die with your rants about SH, they crack me up so much because of your passion for clary, the books, and your ship gives me joy. it’s a highlight i look forward to after watching an episode. i love you <3

@dangeress / @heartlikegold : dani! i think what makes me cry about you is that fact that i somehow inspire you to be a better writer/ you admire my writing?? idk, i’m always shook that someone would think that way about me. like that convo that we had about that really touched me. so thank you for that ? but also thank you for being hella supportive of my ideas and just in general. regardless of whatever happens, you’ve always remained resilient through it all. and i just admire that quality about you so much. thank you for being friend and blessing me with your portrayals. good shit if i say so myself !!!

@ithurielblade : MY GUUURL!!! i think you’re such a blessing in the SH fandom and i’ve always admired your honesty with anything. i’m always going to be proud to be your friend, and even if we are not always in the same fandoms i know that we’ll always find each other. are you sure you aren’t tracking me? jk jk. though we deffo need one soon, i love our ps4 calls and just our bonding of animes or video games. i think ffxv will forever hold such a special place in my heart because it brought us closer. i’m not sure i can imagine ffxv without because of that 3 hour call lol and supporting me through that post game quest. lord oh lord. and also, thank you for being such an understanding and lovely friend. you are of course my shade to my himalyan salt. one half of the most amazing thing and best inside joke we’ve come up with. we’re forever going down in history like that. #matchingdiscordusernames 

             people i love and admire ( whether or not we’ve written anything doesn’t matter):

     @steeledwill @joneshead @chaosblossomed @eatsboys @glossedlip @bravewitch @nightswarriors @crimsonuproar @atomicked @cinephiliac / @halfwithered @piinkperfection @scrveuse @daayaan @beedork @jerkisms @awesomegaydar 

[13rwbabes]

Montgomery x Reader Imagine (Part 2/?)

NOTE: Thanks for the good feed back, guys! So here comes part 2, unfortunately I’m stupid and in the middle of writing I realised I wrote this one in first person. Anyway, tell me which person do you prefer (I can try the third next time lol). This one is bit longer than the previous one, I hope you’ll like it xx *** I spent most of the Saturday with Sheri so I didn’t have much time to think about the hot tub thing, but Sunday… Most of the day I sat at my room, reading book, even though better word would be holding. I stared at one page for an hour and haven’t read a single word. Was I too hard on him? I mean, I joked around and made innuendos with all the jocks all the time, including Monty, but leaving him like that in the hot tub is something on a whole new level. Whatever, he started it and he deserved it. But memories of his lips and if his hands on my body still gave me chills. Fuck you, Montgomery, I whispered. Next day at school wasn’t anything special until I came to the chemistry lesson, a little bit late. “Please, take a sit, Ms. Y/L.N”, teacher barely even looked at me. I looked around the classroom and spotted last empty chair. Next to Montgomery.   “You gotta be kidding me”, I mumbled under my breath. “Hey, you”, I sat on my chair. “Hey”, he kinda acted normal, kinda stared at me. “How was the rest of the party, huh? You smoked some weed, play some video games?”, why am I like this, why did I even started this topic. “I had to jack off in the hot tub. Because of you”, he whispered through his clenched teeth. “Ew, does Bryce know about it?”, I prayed for him to shut up, afraid that someone would hear something and honestly, I couldn’t imagine anything some embarassing than people finding out that two of us made out. “You will regret it.” “Yeah, right”, I snorted. His hand went behind me and his fingers started running along my spine. I tensed up trying not to show that it had an effect on me. “Okay class”, teacher finally started lesson, “most of this semester, you’ll work in pairs, so look at your neighbour and say Hi to your new partner”. I slowly turned my head to look at Montgomery, now disgusted even more then when he mentioned jacking off in the hot tub. “What did you get in chemistry last semester?”, I asked. “What do I need to play in the team?” “C average or above”, everyone in sports teams said it like a mantra, it was literally the only condition, that has to be fulfilled to be in the team. “So it was C?”, I guessed. “Well, yeah, what did you get?” “A”, I sighed knowing all the work would be on me this semester. Next day I was in cafeteria, waiting in the line to get my food, wearing my cheerleader suit. “You’re looking good, you know?”, I heard annoying voice behind me. “Why don’t you just get ‘lookin’ good’ tattoed on your face?”, I answered bored. “Besides, you have seen me in cheerleader suit a thousand times.” “Yeah, but last Friday I took a good look at you in bathing suit…” “No way”, I interrupted him with sarcastic tone. “… And now I know what’s under it”, he continued. “What has gotten into you today?”, I asked, little bit shocked with his dirty talk. “I told you, you will regret”, he whispered. “So you gonna sexually harrass me for the rest of my life?”, I turned around to look at him and saw Clay Jensen coming up. “Hey, Jensen”, I said bit louder so he could hear. He waved at me and smiled. “Did you talk to Jeff?”, I asked. “US history and English will be kicking his ass once again.” “Yeah, I spoke to him and yeah I will tutor him”, he said as he walked by. “Thank you”, I gave him a high five. “You’re da best.” “Thanks, Y/N”. “Real MVP!”, you shouted and he laugh. I finally got my food, grabbed the tray and went to the table not waiting for Monty. I barely sat went Jessica came over with a smile on her face. “Okay, bitches, party at my place, Friday, 7pm”, she said, punched my arm and went. “Seriously, you have to stop doing it! Where are you going?”, I shouted. “To spread the news!” Friday came up and I really didn’t feel like coming. Again. “You always complain, but still come go the party and have a great time”, Jess said when we were walking home from school. “So stop making up excuses, or I swear I’ll slap you.” “You can’t fight with an argument like this, I guess”, I sighed. My parents didn’t have anything against the party, they didn’t put much interest in me as long as my grades were good and I was in cheerleaders team. I showed up at Jessica’s at 7, and was one of the firsts, because 7 really mean 9, but it was okay. My plan was to get buzzed (and I really wanted to get drunk that night) before party starts for good and to avoid Montgomery. Good thing was that after Tuesday talk in cafeteria he kinda stopped annoying me. By 10 pm I was properly drunk, so when Justin asked if I want to play spin the bottle with him and few other people of course I was like “Duh, fuck yeah”. I sat the floor between Sheri and Zach. “Hey, Monty, you play?”, Zach asked and moved slightly making place for Montgomery to sit between us. It didn’t really bothered me, because last three days he had been acting normal, so I thought he finally accepted the fact he got played. After few spins bottle pointed at me, I leaned towards Troy and gave him a quick kiss. I spinned the bottle and it pointed Monty. With poker I turned to him and kissed him as quickly as I did with Troy. He spinned and it pointed on me again. “Seriously?!”, I sighed. He quickly wrapped his arm around my neck, turned us, so people couldn’t really see our faces and kissed me stucking his tongue in my mouth. It lasted way too long than typical kiss in the game. “At least first bring her a drink, Montgomery”, Justin said and threw chips in our direction. “Easy, hot head”, I mumbled as I moved away without looking at his face. Few minutes later game was over, mostly because Jessica and Justin turned it into make out session. I got up and went to the kitchen, to make myself another drink and grab something to eat. One minute later I felt someone smacked my ass. “Did you just…”, I didn’t even have to look to know who it was. “You’re fucking disgusting, you know that?” “Maybe, but somehow I think you you’re into it and you like what is going on between us”, he took a sip of my drink without asking. “Oh my God, you’re also fucking ridiculous”, I said with my eyes wide open. “I’m too sober for that shit”, I drank whole drink at once. “You swallow fast”, he said with cocky smirk on his face. “One more word and I’ll throw up at you, I swear”. “Yo, Y/N”, I heard Jeff calling my name.  “Wanna go for a beer run with me?” “With pleasure”, I answered and run to him without even looking and Monty. In the car Jeff told me how he helped Clay and Hannah with their twisted situation, clearly proud of himself that for once he turned out to be smarter than Clay. “You’re good guy, Atkins”, I smiled at him. “All you want is to play baseball, have a good grades and help Clay with Hannah and that’s beautiful.” “Oh, come on, I’m gonna blush”, he laughed. “No seriously, I will tell every girl that you’re the most pure, sweetest cinnamon roll and that you’re different than others and don’t care about scoring". Weird grin showed up on his face. “You already scored today, didn’t you?”, I punched him in the arm. “I take my words back, you’re awful”, I laughed. “How does it happen that everyone make out with everyone, except me?“ “You know…”, Jeff moved in the seat. “It’s probably cause you always seem so… tied… And stressed” “Excuse me?”, I turned on the seat. “Well, you know, compared to other cheerleaders… Look, they don’t give a shit about anything, they don’t give a shit about school, about grades, they don’t give a shit even about cheerleading. And you care about everything and that’s why you seem more stressed than them”, he tried to explain. “Take a chill pill, make out with someone, have some fun”, he punched my arm. (Un)fortunately his words and the drink I drank and once before leaving for beer run, both hit me at the same time. Super drunk me decided to make out with somebody. Anybody. We came back, I left the car and started walking towards Jessica’s home, having big troubles with walking in straight line.   “Y/N, for fuck’s sake, just be careful”, Jeff shouted for me. “Yeah, yeah”, I mumbled getting into the house. I looked around and spotted Montgomery sitting on the couch, doing something of his phone. I went there, sat next to him and put my hand on his thigh. “It’s a party, Monty, put this phone away and have some fun”, I said. “Huh, look who’s gotten friendly”, he looked at me suspiciously. “I know, I’ve been a bitch but I went for that beer run with Jeff, you know, and I realized some things”. “Really, what things, for example?”, he put his arm around me. I didn’t answer him, I stared at his face instead, giggling. “God, you’re handsome”, I said glancing at his lips. “Okay, here’s what we gonna do”, he leaned towards me and whispered into my ear, “I’m gonna go upstairs, to Jessica’s room, and you’ll join me in few minutes”, his lips were touching my ear. I nodded my head, Monty quickly kissed me on the neck and basically run upstairs. “I’m gonna get laid”, I mumbled to myself. “I think I’m gonna get laid.” “Hey Y/N”, Jessica jumped on the couch. “Where have you been, I was looking for you.” “I was on a beer run with Jeff.” “Goood, I was afraid we run out of alcohol, but then Jeff came in like a Superman with sixpacks”, she giggled. “I think I need some water”, I smiled at her and left to the kitchen, I need to get rid of her. I poured myself a water, drank it and run upstairs. When I opened door to Jessica’s room, it was dark inside. I closed and locked the door. “Montgomery?”, I whispered. I heard steps behind me, second later Monty pushed me to the wall, grabbed my wrists put them above my head. His hands went down the sides of my body, until he grabbed my thighs and pulled me up, so I could wrap my legs around his waist. He laid me on the bed his lips went from my down neck to collarbones and started sucking it just like a week ago. “Monty”, I punched his arm. He pulled up, stroked cheek, and said, “Today I make the rules”, shiver went down my spine. “Fuck”, I mumbled. His hand went from my thigh to my breast and squizzed it. The other one pulled dress up, he started kissing my stomach, getting lower and lower, sucked my belly button, probably causing huge hickey around it, but I really fucking didn’t care. His head went up and he kissed my lips again. I felt his fingers sliding into panties which only turned me on more. I started unbottoning his shirt but he grabbed both of my wrists with spare hand. “Keep your hands yourself”, he whispered and slided his fingers into me. I scratched his back. “You like that?”, he asked as he curled his fingers and pumped them again and again. “Fuck, Montgomery, I want you, just fuck me already”, I moaned. “Does it turn you on?”, another pump. I nodded my head and bit my lip trying to not make any noices. It was dark, my eyes were closed, butcould sense fucking cocky smirk on his face. He slided out of me and sat bed. “Monty, why did you stop?”, I also sat on bed and switched the light on. He bottoned up two bottons I had undo and fixed his hair. “What the fuck are you doing?”, I asked. He stood up, leaned towards me and looking me in the eyes said, “Guess you can’t play the player, huh?” “Are you kidding me?”, I shouted. “It was fun, see you on Monday”, he unlocked the door, smiled at me and left the room. I sat there speechless for a few good minutes. “What the fuck did just happen?”, I asked myself out loud. I fixed my hair, took a deep breath and decided to go back to the party. “Fucking bastard”, I mumbled. I went down and sat on the couch next to Jess. “Why don’t you have any drink?”, she asked. “I’m good, thanks”. “You know, to be honest, you look a little fucked, break will be good for you”, she said, even though she was the one who was barely able to speak. “ Where the fuck is Justin?”, she looked around. “He’s playing beer pong with Montgomery”, Alex Standall sat on a chair in front of us. “Cool, thanks Alex”, Jessica got up. “You’re not coming?”, she asked me. “No thanks, I’m good, just gonna sit for a while”, I answered but she was gone before I even stopped talking. “How’s the party, Alex?” “I love her”, he mumbled, looking after Jess. “Oh God”, I rolled my eyes. “You two dated for like two months, year ago, seriously man, get over it”. “It’s love. It’s not logic”, he sighed. “Alex, I’m not saying this because I’m a bitch or because I root for Jessica and Justin. I’m saying this because you’re good and you deserve to be happy, okay? Move. On.” Said me. Person who couldn’t get over the fact that she got played by a player because she tried to get him played. Hypocrisy at it’s finest. I walked around the house, looking for Jeff, who was supposed to drive me home. Instead I bumped on Sheri. I pretended to listen to her while I was discretly watching Montgomery talking to some girl, wrapping his disgusting arm around her. “…are you even listening to me?”, she shaked my arm. “Umm, yeah, I was just… Looking at driveway, but I can’t spot Jeff’s car”, I lied quickly, in the meantime Monty got back inside. “He went for another beer run”. “Okay, I gotta go”, I smiled at her and went to the house. I saw de la Cruz shouting something to Justin as he was walking upstairs and then got into bathroom. I got you, you little fucker, I thought, went upstairs and stood next to door as if I was waiting in the line. “Are you waiting to get to the bathroom?”, Troy, the baseball player, patted my shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, I am”, I had to get rid of him, “Umm, you know… I feel a little bit sick, so it may take a moment…” “Are you gonna throw up?” “Maybe… As I said, it may take a moment. But you can use bathroom downstairs, it’ll probably be faster.” “Good idea, you’re smart”, he pointed at me. “Take care, Y/N” “Bye, Troy”, I chuckled watching him, when he was trying not to kill himself on the stairs. And I heard door getting unlocked. Montgomery opened them and then I pushed him back inside and locked the doors again. “We are finishing it now”, I said, grabbed his neck and kissed him.