#and his past roles that are totally a reflection of that journey but that’s another post

[deductions-and-magic]

On the perimeter of the Int.

so I just watched Interior Chinatown and discovered Archie Kao (and proceeded to start watching his entire filmography as you do) (also i think i really need to read the book Edit: finished the book!! might write a new post)

And I think it is so poignant that he is Uncle Wong

The ABC (American Born Chinese) who has a foot in both worlds (the first to realize the dangers involved and believes it’s his responsibility to protect his people!), who says

"I was born here. In this city. I've been here my whole life."

and yet is so grounded in both cultures

who finds the victims of the systematic violence resulting from the police procedural

is performed by the ABC who was raised on an American farm, who did not know Mandarin when he moved to China a few years back to find his roots and pursued acting there, who is now back in the US (source: his Int. Chinatown interviews), who has always tried to help. to change things (even if small)

In his interviews he talked about how he spent most of his time in Hollywood on procedural dramas

And parallels with Willis Wu who as a "Generic Asian Man" could not be the hero, the lead (on CSI: Enhance! On Chicago PD: Detective but tech guy — so many parallels)

So he, like many Asian Americans, IS Willis Wu (like Uncle Wong was Willis but even more similar)

but more importantly, his path of America -> Asia -> America is the path of so many people who are unsure of “self” and where they stand, thinking about where they come from and what that actually means

What being American Means, What being Asian Means, What being Asian-American Means

so I think it's likely this show represents a culmination of his journey of self discovery

As a Chinese American

And what that means to him.

Not at the intersection of two cultures but Cape Horn -- a confluence

Where oceans crash together and people get submerged

where there is a distinct divide but you can’t see it when you’re in the water

In Chinese there's a saying: "见山是山，见水是水；见山不是山，见水不是水；依然见山还是山，见水还是水", which roughly translates to “Seeing mountains as mountains, seeing water as water; seeing mountains not as mountains, seeing water not as water; still seeing mountains as mountains, water as water"

like you're back where you are before, and it's the same

but it’s different now

Which applies to so many things here.

[cloudsofbespin]

I’m excited for what they are going to do with Devil’s Minion as well. As long as they don’t make it boring I’m sure it will be good. Boring for me would be if they don’t do anything with San Francisco/their messed-up first meeting and instead ignore it by having Daniel just be over it, and/or have Armand and Daniel simply have a hate-love thing. I like (love!) enemies-to-lovers, but there’s a lot of bad versions of it which don’t work cause it’s not actually written as love it’s written as lust and simple attraction. There needs to be some actual romance and depth to it, then I’ll be fully into it!

They have such a good opportunity as well, with Daniel and Armand being screwed up in different but somewhat similar ways. Nothing compares to the horrors of Armand’s past, but they do have in common an unwillingness (and inability) to be fully emotionally open and honest - and given that they are now literally bonded together and exposed to each other (Madeleine being able to read Louis’ emotions comes to mind) I do really want them to do something with that. There’s something great with them both being unable to hide from each other! And them both being uniquely able to call out each other's bs could be something really compelling and funny to see!

I do love Daniel’s words about truly seeing Armand as the monstrous vampire (insect analogy) he is and fully loving and accepting the whole of him in the book. So I hope we’ll see that - or a good and compelling version of it! However, I do need there to be something about Daniel too. Otherwise he will just feel like a tool to aid in Armand’s character development, rather than his own person and the romance of it all would just be one-sidedly about Armand. There obviously needs to be more to it than Daniel loving monstrous complex enigmas like Armand and Armand finding him fascinating because of it. You know what I mean?

I’m carefully hopeful, feels like Daniel having been somewhat closeted and a failure at marriages is something they could use to give him an emotional arc, as well as being a new (abandoned?) vampire. Though he doesn't seem to struggle much with the latter. In Armand’s case I can see several ways of doing an interesting emotional arc for him.

What do you want to see? Big and small? What are some story and/or emotional beats you'd like to see? Also, thank you for being a fun blog to follow during these dark (hiatus) times :)

hi! i love your analysis and all the points you bring up ❤️

simply put i want them to fall in love and i want them to love each other for who and what they are. that's their deal in the books and should be their deal in the show too

obviously the vampire bond is going to play a massive role because well they are bonded forever now and as you said (and as the show established) they should be able to feel each other's emotions even though they can't read the other's mind. there's also my personal favourite detail of them having the same/similarly coloured eyes and the significance of armand looking into daniel's eyes and seeing his own reflection staring back. another aspect of the bond that makes me insane is that they're probably going to be hella possessive of each other now and i can't wait how that's going to manifest

but yeah i def do not want the vampire bond to be the only reason for their connection. because again armand should love daniel for daniel and daniel should love armand for armand. i want them to go on an intense emotional journey together and as you mentioned daniel shouldn't be just a vessel for armand's character development

book!armand describes daniel as "strangely defiant and beseeching in the same breath" and to me show!daniel fits that description as well. they can challenge each other. i feel like armand's been somehow intrigued by daniel ever since san francisco (but that does not necessarily mean they had a relationship back then)

i'm being a total sap right now but somewhere along the way i want daniel to say i love you to armand and mean it. armand should experience what it means to be fully loved in return

also i've gone through various stages of crazy since the s2 finale because as it stands now we truly have no idea what actually happened and what is going to happen with the two of them. all we know is that armand turned daniel and now daniel's been asking (looking?) for him. what the hell happened in dubai? did armand bolt as soon as he turned daniel? does daniel miss him? is he going to look for him? please rolin put me out of my misery

[godisyousblog]

Happy Father's Day! Best Quotes for Fathers Day 2024

In my opinion, every day is Father's Day . Fathers day is the most valuable day in a kid's life because this is a day to express love, emotion , feelings, support and life journey. In life our kids have a great person called father. Fatherhood is a journey of joy and challenges. Because it is a journey of selflessness, sacrifices and unconditional love for babies. You can also write quotes for fathers day just express your love and emotions in words and become a great baby. Best Quotes for Fathers Day in 2024 ➖ 1. Dads are like chocolate chip cookies; they may have chips or be totally nutty, but they are sweet and make the world a better place. – Hillary Lytle 2. Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. – Anne Geddes 3. A father carries pictures where his money used to be. – Steve Martin 4. The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams, and aspirations he sets not only for himself but for his family. – Reed Markham 5.Fathers just have a way of putting everything together. – Erika Cosby

6. To the world, you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. – Dr. Seuss 7. My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me. – Jim Valvano 8. The power of a dad in a child’s life is unmatched.– Justin Ricklefs 9. Fatherhood is the best thing that could ever happen to me. It’s wonderful. – Seal 10. The heart of a father is the masterpiece of nature. – Antoine François Prévost

Why we celebrate Fathers Day ➖ Father’s Day is a special occasion dedicated to honoring and appreciating the contributions of fathers and paternal figures in our lives. It’s an opportunity to express gratitude for their unconditional  love, sacrifices, and guidance. As we celebrate Father’s Day, let’s not only reflect on the past but also look forward to the future. Let’s continue to cherish the moments we share with our fathers and strive to create new memories together. Let’s honor the legacy of fatherhood by embodying the values of love, compassion, and strength in our own lives. And above all, let’s never forget to say “I love you” to the fathers who mean the world to us.

How to make memorable the Fathers day for long time ➖ If you want to make Father's Day memorable, plan a surprise for your father, cut a cake, and take him out to his favorite place. Write fathers day quotes and create an album with photos of your father. You can also cook a special meal for him and  spend time with him.A father is also a best friend so treat him like a best friend and share your feelings with him .Your father is the most priceless person in your life so don't hesitate from your father to share feelings and emotions.

How can be make fathers day special for long time ➖ 1. Spend quality time with him 2. Make his favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner 3. Write a heartfelt letter to him and show your love and feelings 4. Give him a special and memorable gifts 5. Visit the favorite place of your dad and have fun 6. Buy movie tickets for him 7. Play with him his favorite games like a kids

Responsibilities and Role of the Father in Our Life ➖ No one can take the place of father in our life. Because a father is our best friend. Only your father can get you your favorite toys. If you ever feel depressed, you can share your problems with your father, he will definitely help you. Father is the lifeline of the family. Father is the most valuable person in our life who supports us when we have no strength. Father teaches us how to solve problems and how to do hard work. Father wishes that the dreams that he could not fulfill should be fulfilled by his children or they should get happiness. They think that their children should never face any problems in their lives. He was physically and mentally strong.

[waitmyturtles]

Crossing another series off the list this week: we got the finale of Candy Color Paradox/Ameiro Paradox. Thoughts!

I know -- because I am one of them -- that there was vocal concern about the quality of the acting by the leads of Kimura Keito (Onoe) and Yamanaka Jyutaro (Kaburagi). They were definitely the weakest actors of the entire troupe that cast this show. Besides the very obvious Izuka Kenta, who outacted, like, the trees in his outdoor scenes, even the actors who played the guys’ colleagues at their tabloid newspaper demonstratively outperformed the two leads. 

All this being said -- in my past reviews, I admitted to having a weak heart for Onoe and Kaburagi, and I still totally feel that way! I ABSOLUTELY felt like a soccer mom on the sidelines, cheering these two awkward dopes along their journey. I don’t know! I wish I had read the manga for canon background, because I kinda wonder if the awkwardness of their lack of experience, particularly with Kimura’s acting, maybe lent itself an authenticity to the character of Onoe that may have been reflected in the manga?

I have no idea, and I don’t read the forums at MDL, where I believe a lot of this discussion was taking place. But in any case, for me, it was kind of this practice of the guys stumbling around in the first place, figuring out their language together, working individually on their process of confessions, that I honestly loved about this show and the storyline, and it did truly keep me coming back. I really thought their back and forth was sweet.

To me, their miscommunications weren’t as frustrating as, say what went down in Individual Circumstances, where clearly, the storyline would have been solved in a sec if the guys just TALKED. I did say in my review of IC that I happen to appreciate the trope of miscommunication, because I think it’s more relative to Asian cultures than Western viewers might relate to.

But in the case of CCP, I think what I saw in the script was just a simple matter of growth. Kabu needed advice from older and wiser people (maybe not wiser in the case of Izuka’s character, but yadda whatever) to recognize that Onoe’s need was to have simple and direct messages aimed at him. And I thought it was really cute that Kabu challenged Onoe at the end to finally state his (Onoe’s) own feelings into words, which funnily, Onoe hadn’t done the entire series. He himself thought he was communicating clearly -- but they both just needed to SAY THEIR WORDS to seal the deal.

I happened to appreciate the awkward lovey scenes. They were so awkward -- but again, I wonder, was it meant to be that way? Who knows. But that was more heat than I could have expected from this show, AT ALL, so honestly, I appreciate its placement. Onoe’s clearly an awkward dude ANYWAY, so might as well make the love hotel scenes that way.

Final thought (and then one footnote***): I appreciated that the final episode focused solely on the pairing, and not on a case. I loved that. I loved that the script gave the guys 23 minutes to resolve themselves without a distraction. I thought that was compassionate and generous, and a lovely touch.

I wouldn’t HIGHLY recommend this as a must-watch, but if you have the time for something fun and light, with two cuties figuring out EVERRRRRRYTHING, then go for it. I’m glad I watched this one!

***Feel free to skip this, but just wanted to say that it’s clear that Yamanaka’s agency/group (M!LK) and Kimura’s agency (Exile Tribe/LDH-Love Dream Happiness) were trying to make lightning strike twice -- three times in the case of Exile, as Yagi Yusei and Machida Keita have done BL wonders for that agency. I THINK that Yamanaka was M!LK’s first BL actor, but Sano Hayato, the lead for M!LK, is quite a successful actor with significant roles in at least two previous evening doramas (including a non-BL show with Machida). So yeah, I believe the casting for Candy Color Paradox was done to intentionally expand a stable of actors. I just don’t think Yamanaka and Kimura were ready for this script, but I think they did their best.

[celiabowens]

Adult SFF edition

High/Epic Fantasy

The Lies of Locke Lamora: heist fantasy following a band of misfits! It has morally gray characters, fun banter but heartwrenching moments and a pretty complex plot. It’s a classic to say “if you liked Six of Crows and want to try adult SFF try this” and it’s probably true. 

Kushiel’s Dart: a political fantasy tome loosely inspired by Europe in the Renaissance. Pretty heavy on romance and erotica (with BDSM elements) as it follows a courtesan navigating the political scene. It has an amazing female villain.

A Darker Shade of Magic: probably the easiest way to approach adult fantasy. It has multiple Londons and a pretty unique magic system and concept, plus a crossdressing thief, knives and great banter. 

The Poppy War: grimdark fantasy (TW: abuse, self harm, rape, drug abuse), inspired by Chinese history. It’s adult, but follows younger MCs and the unique blend of different historical periods/inspirations makes it extremely interesting. The characters are extremely fucked up in the best possible way, plus the use of shamanism is awesome.

The Sword of Kaigen: if you liked The Poppy War you could like this one. The Sword of Kaigen is an Asian-inspired militaristic fantasy, with elemental magic, a badass housewife dealing with her past and hiding a sword in her kitchen’s floor. It has interesting and nuanced family dynamics and a great reflection on propaganda and the use of narratives.

The Priory of the Orange Tree: high fantasy, featuring dragons, a F/F romance and pretty complex world building. The author reuses typical fantasy tropes and roles in a fresh way. Very readable in spite of its length.

Empire of Sand: inspired by Mughal India, this one focuses on culture and religion and has great slow burn romance (TW: abuse, slavery). It’s pretty slow paced, but the payoff is great. Also a good "YA crossover”.

The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms: first book in a companion novel trilogy, following a young woman who finds herself at the center of a vicious political struggle, as she’s suddenly become the heir to the throne. 

Black Sun: first book in a new series by Rebecca Roanhorse, inspired by pre-Columbian societies and cultures. It mainly focuses on religious and political conflicts. TW for abuse, mild body horror and suicide (not very graphic). Nice inclusion of lgbt rep across the whole cast + one of the main characters is blind. Great world building!

Historical Fantasy

The Night Circus: perfect transition from YA to Adult for a reader, The Night Circus is a gorgeous historical fantasy romance. The author’s writing is amazing, the descriptions and the subtlety of the main characters’ relationship are to die for.

The City of Brass: political/historical fantasy tome featuring Middle Eastern mythology. It follows younger MCs (honestly another series that could be a good way to approach adult SFF) and has great character growth throughout the series. The first book has some more trope-y elements, but the payoff is worth it. 

The Golem and The Djinni: historical fantasy (if you loved The Night Circus you could like this one), following two mythical creatures as they navigate New York in 1899. Slow burn romance, rich descriptions, fascinating combination of Jewish and Syrian folklore.

Gods of Jade and Shadow: a fantasy bildungsroman set in Mexico during the Jazz age. Another great way to approach adult SFF as it follows a young girl on a life changing adventure. It features Mayan mythology and a god slowly becoming human.

The Ghost Bride: set in Malaya in 1893, it follows the daughter of a ruined man as she receives the proposal to become a ghost bride. Lovely setting, rich in culture and extremely atmospheric.

The Bear and The Nightingale: a coming of age story inspired by Russian folklore. Another great way to start reading adult SFF: it’s very atmospheric and fairy tale-like. Also frost demons are better than men.

Queen of the Conquered: first book in a fantasy duology(?) set in an alternate version of the Caribbean at the time of Scandinavian colonisation. It follows Sigourney, a biracial woman (her mother was a slave, freed by her father) and the only islander who is allowed to own and use kraft and therefore has a position of privilege, which she constantly abuses, while telling herself she’s doing it for the islanders’ benefit. The book is hard to read, because the MC is no hero and her POV can be quite challenging to get through, but if you’re up for it I’d totally recommend this. (TW: slavery, abuse, death).

The Lions of Al-Rassan: this one has minimal fantasy elements, much like other Kay books, as it reads more like an alternate history. Using Moorish Spain as a template, it deals with the conflict between Jews, Muslims and Christians. Much like Under Heaven and most of his historical fantasy it shows common people being swept up in dramatic events. 

Urban Fantasy

The Divine Cities trilogy: starting with City of Stairs, it follows a female diplomat and spymaster(!!). The whole trilogy features an interesting discussion about godhood, religion, fanatism, politics, without ever being boring or preachy. It has complex and rich world building and a pretty compelling mystery.

Foundryside: heist fantasy following a thief as she’s hired to steal a powerful artifact that may change magical technology as she knows it. Also, slow burn F/F romance.

Jade City:  a wuxia inspired, gangster urban fantasy. Great family dynamics, very interesting political and economical subplots. 

One for My Enemy: sort of a modern Romeo and Juliet, but set in New York, starring two magical gangster families. The female characters are to die for.  

Trail of Lightning: inspired by Native mythology and the idea of subsequent worlds. It has a kickass MC and a good mix of original elements and typical UF tropes. You could like this if you liked the Kate Daniels series.

American Gods: a classic of the genre, pretty much brilliant in how it reuses old mythology in a modern setting.

Retellings

Spinning Silver: a very loose retelling of Rumpelstiltskin, with a gorgeous atmosphere. It mainly follows female characters from different social and economical backgrounds and reuses the original tale to challenge the antisemitic ideas around the role of the moneylander.

The Queens of Innis Lear: fantasy retelling of King Lear, very atmospheric and gorgeously written. Slow paced, but very satisfying build up, lots of backstabbing and miscommunication. (heads up though, one of the MCs is coded as aroace and I found the rep pretty bad on that. The book does feature casual bisexual rep though, which was great)

Lady Hotspur: genderbent retelling of Henry IV, set in the same world as The Queens of Innis Lear. Lesbian and bisexual rep. Heavy on political subplots, features ambitious women growing into their roles.

Deathless: sort of a retelling of Koschei the Deathless set in the first half of the 20th century. Brilliant reuse of Russian folklore to weave together politics and history. It does have pretty brutal descriptions of war, morally gray characters, unhealthy relationships and overall a lot of mindfuckery.

Space Opera

A Memory Called Empire: space opera inspired by the Mexica and middle period Byzantium. It focuses on topics like colonialism and the power of narratives and language. It has one of the best descriptions of what it’s like to live in between spaces I’ve ever read. Also very interesting political intrigue and has a slow burn F/F romance (and a poly relationship recalled through flashbacks).

Ninefox Gambit: a Korean-inspired space opera with a magic system based on math. It’s honestly quite convoluted and difficult to follow, but it also features some of the best political intrigue I’ve ever read. Plenty of lying, backstabbing and mind games. It also features lesbian and bisexual rep and an aroace side character (TW: mass shooting, sexual assault).

The Light Brigade: militaristic space opera set in a not-so-defined future in which corporations rule Earth and space in general. The book follows a newly enlisted soldier as they go through gruelling training and experience the side effects of being broken down into atoms to travel at the speed of light. It’s a heavy book, featuring raw descriptions of war, and quite difficult to follow (non-linear timelines...) but it’s also an amazing critique of capitalism and political propaganda (TW: death, mass shooting).

Gideon the Ninth: pretty much lesbian necromancers in space. Very loose world building, but a fun mystery full of banter. Can be quite confusing in the beginning, but a relatively easy and fun way to approach science fiction.

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet: character driven space opera featuring a found family journeying through space. A fun read, that also deals with topics such as sexuality and race. Quite easy to go through, as the world building and plot aren’t particularly complex themselves. Also features a F/F romance. 

Science Fiction-Fantasy that I can’t fit anywhere else

Vicious: college roommates put themselves through near-death experiences to obtain super powers, only everything goes wrong. Follows a great band of misfits (and pretty much everyone is morally gray).

Middlegame: a brilliant and complex tapestry of alternate timelines, following telepathically connected twins trying to escape the alchemist that wants to use them to obtain godhood (TW: attempted suicide).

Piranesi: the long awaited return of Susanna Clarke, Piranesi is an odd, mysterious book set in a house with infinite rooms and endless corridors, apparently inhabited by only two people. 

Bonus Novella recs: novellas are amazing and don’t sleep on them!

The Empress of Salt and Fortune: an Asian-inspired fantasy novella, it gives a voice to people usually silenced by history. It follows a cleric (non binary rep) as they chronicle the story of the late empress, retold through objects that she used in her life. It focuses on bonds between women and the power that lies in being unnoticed.  

The Black God’s Drums: an urban fantasy novella, based on Orisha mythology and set in an alternate, sort of steampunk, New Orleans. 

The Haunting of Tram Car 015: alternate steampunk Cairo populated by supernatural entities. It has a compelling mystery, starring a great lead.

This Is How You Lose the Time War: epistolary set during a time-travel war, F/F romance and gorgeous prose. 

The Citadel of Weeping Pearls: a novella set in the Xuya universe (a series of novellas/short stories set in a timeline where Asia became dominant, and where the space age has empires of Vietnamese and Chinese inspiration), but can be read as a standalone. It’s a space opera featuring a disappeared citadel and the complex relationship between the empress and her daughter as war threatens her empire.

To Be Taught, If Fortunate: an incredibly heartwarming and yet meaningful novella about research and the meaning of it. It’s the tale of 4 astronauts on a crowdfunded mission to explore space, to observe and report without conquering. It’s written in lovely prose and is very casual in its lgbt rep.

The Deep: very good novella set in an underwater society built by the descendants of African slave women that were tossed overboard. It’s not an easy read at all, as it deals with trauma, both personal and generational ones. 

Bonus short story collections recs

A Cathedral of Myth and Bone: 16 short stories featuring myth, legend and faith, that mainly focus on women reclaiming their agency. 

The Paper Menageries and Other Stories: features plenty of different fantasy and science fiction subgenres. The Paper Menagerie in particular is an extremely moving tale.

Conservation of Shadows: science fiction-fantasy short stories that focus on topics like colonisation and the role of art and language. 

Graphic Novel

Monstress: series set in an alt 1900s matriarchal Asia, following a teenage girl who survived a war and shares a connection with a monster that’s slowly transforming her. (TW: slavery, death).

[orphancookie69]

Dr Jordan Peterson: 12 Rules

I have recently really began to appreciate Dr Jordan Peterson lately, and I can’t get enough of him. I stumbled upon a Tiktok video of him explaining his 12 Rules for Life, a book my sister is also currently reading. While I can’t wait to read it, let’s make a post about it! 

12 Rules for Life: 

Stand up straight with your shoulders back

Treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping

Befriend people who want the best for you

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not the useless person you are today

Do not let your children do anything that would make you dislike them

Set your house in order before you criticize the world 

Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient

Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie

Assume the person you are listening to knows something you don’t

Be precise in your speech

Do not bother children while they’re skateboarding

Pet a cat when you encounter one in the street

So, the first one is a no brainer. This is basic salesperson training 101. If you do not smile and sit up straight like you are the most confident person in the world before you pick up that phone, you are fucked. Just because the person can not see you, does not mean they can not hear your lack of confidence. Try slouching and looking down while answering the phone, then try sitting straight up smiling. 

Second one, this one is amazing to hear. I know that I am a generally really helpful person to others, but I am not so quick to take my own advice. If it treated myself, the way I treated other people...I would listen to myself more and love myself more. Really. 

Third, befriend people who want the best for you. Friends are the family you choose. You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with. If the people around you don’t want the best for you, they will never help you climb the mountain. 

Fourth, I love this one from the point of view that one tends to look at the past longingly. Myself for instance, I used to be bolder in school and taking roles of leadership and doing presentations. As I got older, I got more shy and prefer a “behind the scenes” role but complain when I don’t get credit. Use the “yesterday you” to be a better “today you” everyday. 

Fifth, I can’t say I can totally identify with this rule. I am someone’s child, I don’t have kids. I would like to think my parents are proud of me, and that I hope to not do anything to make them dislike me. 

Sixth, yes yes yes. So many people, especially young people, are quick to criticize the world when there own house is not in order. Focus on getting your own house in order before you focus on things you can’t control. It also helps to give your opinion legitimacy when you do spit it out all the time. 

Seventh, according to some ways of thinking-you only have one life. Make this life count, and don’t give in to this trap of instant gratification. It’s the journey, not the destination that matters. 

Eighth, if you tell the truth with others...it’s more likely you are honest with yourself. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you are your own worst enemy. 

Ninth, this one to me speaks to having an open mind to another person’s insight. It is easy to put people in a box and use interactions with them to justify the box you put them in. If you approach people with an open mind and assume they know something you don’t, you won’t disqualify them before they have a chance to speak. 

Tenth, say what you mean. Know how to say what you want, and have the courage to do so. One, the other, and both can be hard. But making the effort to know how you feel and have the balls to say it, will get you farther than you think. 

Eleventh, let kids be kids. Some adults don’t ever grow up, and sometimes its because they were not able to be kids. The learning phase of youth is so instrumental to being an adult. 

Twelfth, pet a cat! Obviously as a cat mom I love this. From a bigger picture point of view, animals speak a different language. Some would say they don’t speak at all, but notice how some cats won’t approach some people, but the kind ones get all the animals attention? How is it they know a good heart from a bad one? Be nice to all creatures, it will come back to you. 

The book is available on Amazon, if this sparked your interest in reading it. I know I can’t wait! Which rule resonated with you most? 

[jonsa101]

Episode 3x14: A Reflection of How Max Stepped Into Love After A Season of Suffering

Gif credit @supagirl

Hey guys! I can’t believe the season finale has come and gone! I think my mind is just taking time to comprehend everything that has happened! Sharpwin is officially canon! As I’m typing this out, it feels strange writing a meta on the other side of things. Since season one, I’ve been writing metas about how these two belong together and making predictions about the trajectory of their relationship. Now, to be on the other side of things where I know longer have to do that because these two are finally together is kinda crazy. I feel so elated!

Now y’all, I’m not going to lie to you, I had a totally different meta planned out and that meta is still in my drafts. I will probably release it because it was a general review of the episode but I thought it was more important that I put this meta out first. When I was watching the finale live, I didn’t love it. I just didn’t. I loved that Max and Helen finally got together at the end of the episode but I had a major issue with how it unfolded. The issue my friends was this scene right here: 

Baby!!! When I tell you this scene TRIGGERED me, it did! Now mind you, I wasn’t upset with Max’s storyline of searching and struggling to take off his wedding ring. It is human nature for Max to still have an emotional attachment to his ring. He’s not still grieving but essentially that ring is the only thing he has left of Georgia and represents a life he once had. Him taking it off was always going to be a monumental moment for Sharpwin and for himself. The issue that I had was Max casually telling Helen that he freaked out about losing his ring!!! To me, after the voicemail he left her, after Helen flew standby and was in a six hour flight to see him, it was an incredibly CALLOUS thing for Max to say. I know Max wasn’t thinking in this moment. I know his intentions were clearly not to hurt her but words matter and him being careless with his was a complete disregard of Helen’s feelings. She was deeply hurt and upset when he said this and rightfully so! I mean just look at her expression here:

Helen’s entire being read like

“I can’t believe you”

And girl same, because neither could I!! He knew he fucked up and he obviously made up for it in the end but y’all when I was watching it live, everything that came after that elevator scene was was tainted for me. I had a hard time believing that Helen would let what he said slide so easily and in the moment, I couldn’t appreciate the beauty of them finally coming together! 😩 In my personal opinion, there were so many other ways that scene could have played out without Max having to literally tell Helen to her face that he was worried about his wedding ring! I know they were trying to build up to the “big moment” where he finally takes his ring off and runs back to Helen’s apartment but man, that moment did not sit right with me in my spirit! It still doesn’t and I don’t think my opinion will ever change on this.

With that said, I’ve now done several rewatches of the finale where I specifically watched the scenes after that awful moment by the elevator. As I’ve had time to reflect, my perspective has changed. I no longer view the moments after the elevator scene as tainted but as something deeply profound and beautiful. Hell, even as I reflect on that scene by the elevator, I still don’t like it, but in a way I understand it in how it relates to Max’s overall journey when it comes to Helen. To me, Max Goodwin is a man who fell deeply in love with Helen in the midst of the most complex situations and a season of him suffering. It’s been deep rooted, complicated and messy from the start and over the past three years we’ve seen Max navigate through the complexities of his feelings for Helen and the circumstances he’s found himself in on our screens. I think when you look at season three finale and specifically the journey of Max finally making a choice to be with Helen, you have to put into context Max’s history and how it influenced what that looked like. So y’all that is exactly what I want to do in this meta so let’s dive in.

One thing I think we need to acknowledge is that, even though as an audience we have loved seeing Max and Helen’s journey unfold, the road has been so TOUGH for them. As Helen said in 3x13, it’s been a fight! Especially for Max. The suffering he has endured over the past three years has been unfathomable and much of his relationship with Helen and his feelings for her have been developed under these traumatic and tragic circumstances. 

At the very beginning of the series, when Max and Helen first meet they clash but it doesn’t last for long. It’s his first day at New Amsterdam and as the new Medical Director, he wants her to stay at the hospital and treat patients instead of doing press tours. Helen on the other hand wants to continue doing press and for the most part ignores his demands for her to return to the hospital. When she finally does return, she does so because she learns that Max has cancer. This bonds them at the onset as Helen is the only person in his life that knows about his diagnosis. As an audience, when we first see them interact, we instantly saw the sparks fly between them. Their chemistry and natural witty banter made us immediately take a look at their relationship and what potential they could have in the future. Though we were shocked by his cancer diagnosis, I think the fun and lightheartedness of Sharpwin’s first interactions really masked how traumatic this must have been for Max. On the first day of his dream job, that he sacrificed his marriage for, he learns that he has cancer while having a baby on the way. Those are the awful circumstances that first bring Max and Helen together. 

As Helen becomes Max’s doctor and he swears her to secrecy about his diagnosis, their friendship and bond grows deeper. His passion and drive to help his patients, reignites Sharpe’s love for medicine again and inspires her to put her patients first. They become vulnerable with each other more than anyone else in their lives. He confides in her about his broken marriage and she tells him that she wants a baby. When he almost dies, she becomes his deputy medical director so that he can focus on his care. All of these moments are significant to them because somewhere along the way they develop feelings for each other. They didn’t plan for it and it’s something neither of them are consciously aware of but unknowingly, they both start to fill a place in each other’s lives that was clearly more than a doctor and patient relationship or a friendship. This “place” wasn’t called out until episode 1x16 were the clairvoyant called out their feelings for each other. When episode 1x17 comes around, after a night of revelations and a scramble to get the power back on in the hospital, Helen decides to step back as his doctor. If she wasn’t aware of her feelings before, in this moment, she’s fully aware of them now. This is an effort to safeguard her heart and set boundaries because the lines of who they are to each other were already so blurred. When she “triages” their relationship Max’s reacts badly and honestly they’re both devastated and are on the verge of tears:

As viewers, we loved this moment but when you peel back the layers of what’s actually going on in this scene, it’s gut-wrenching. The subtext is so clear here yet their situation is so complex and layered. We know for a fact that Max wasn’t trying to lose her in ANY CAPACITY. We also know that in the way he TRULY wanted her he couldn’t have her and Helen knew that too. Not when he was married, had a baby on the way, and fighting cancer at the same time. Y’all that’s hard and profoundly painful when you think about it and it makes this scene all the more tragic. 

When Helen steps back as his doctor, at first Max seems to be handling it well but as his cancer starts to get worse, he completely breaks. Like I said earlier, over the course of his cancer treatment, Helen filled a place in Max’s life that was so much more than just his doctor or his friend. So when he’s dying and no longer has the person he feels deeply for play an active role in his treatment, he lashes out. He’s dealing with a range of emotions he can’t handle or properly process. Things only get worse from there and at the end of season one Georgia and Luna’s life are on the line and Bloom and Helen scramble to save them. When it seems like everyone was able to come out of that traumatic event unscathed, they get into a devastating ambulance crash that changes everything. 

Season 2 brings another level of pain and suffering for Max when he loses his wife after the crash and is thrust into single fatherhood. Not only is he grieving but he’s also dealing with guilt of falling in love with Helen while he was married. The complexities of his feelings is something he struggles with throughout this season and it affects his relationship with Helen. At some points he pushes her away and at others he desperately needs her. Once again, Helen and Max’s relationship is caught up in the most complex of circumstances that is riddled with agony and trauma. 

By time we head into season 3, Max doesn’t even have time to breathe or think about his relationship with Helen because they’re both thrust to the frontlines of the pandemic. 

I bring all of this up again to emphasize that there has never been a time where Max and Helen’s relationship hasn’t been wrapped up in trauma or some sort of suffering. It has always been one thing or another with them. It’s been A LOT and Max has tried to navigate being in love with Helen through his suffering and under these crazy ass circumstances. So after rewatching the finale, the questions that run through my mind are:

How do you step into love when all you’ve known for the past three years has been suffering?

How do you love openly and freely when for so long you’ve emotionally suppressed your feelings for someone because it was “wrong?” 

How do you let go, heal, and move on with your life?

To me, answering these questions is what the season finale for Max was all about. When you’ve suffered so much and endured so much it’s not easy to step into a new chapter in your life that’s hopeful and filled with love and possibilities. For Max, I don’t think in his wildest dreams that he ever imagined that he and Helen would be in a place where they could actually be together. Considering everything they’ve gone through, quite frankly it’s a fucking miracle! So when he actually makes it to the other side and not only SURVIVES but has a chance for happiness, I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. Pursuing/having feelings for Helen from a place that isn’t wrapped up in trauma and tragedy, where there are seemingly no obstacles in his way, is totally and completely new territory for Max. I think he’s clueless in how to do that in the right way and as he navigates through that, naturally there are hiccups.

That’s evident with what he said by the elevator and also in this moment here: 

Max doesn’t have a clue but he wants to make sure that he doesn’t fuck it up because he DESPERATELY wants this! I also think there’s something to be said about how we as human beings can self-sabotage ourselves when we finally have an opportunity to get what we want. Fear, guilt, worthiness usually comes into play with that and I think for Max there was definitely a fear with moving on with his life, guilt of surviving it all and having a chance to be with the woman he’s loved for so long, and a question of if he’s worthy of actually having happiness.

Their walk in my mind perfectly embodies him self sabotaging while also trying to navigate his feelings of desperately wanting to be with her. At the beginning of their walk, you see that at one point he clearly wants to hold Helen’s hand but he doesn’t (I would use a gif here y’all but I literally only have room for 10 😩). I’m focusing my attention on Max here because essentially this whole moment between them is a part of Max’s “mini story” in the episode. The ball has always been in his court and truly what we are witnessing is his journey to step into love because Helen is ready and has been waiting on him. 

The most compelling moment in their walk scene for me was this one: 

I find it strange for Max to walk so far ahead when he was the one who asked her if he could walk with her. My first thought while watching it live was “what is he doing” and I think Helen’s expression reads the same way. After analyzing this for a bit, I genuinely think that’s the point of this scene. Like I said earlier, Max doesn’t know what he’s doing. To be with Helen like this is, where its romantic, peaceful and drama free is probably blowing his mind and he doesn't know how to navigate this. He doesn’t know how to receive this second chance at happiness. 

The internal war of Max stepping into love or allowing fear, guilt, and unworthiness to hold him back becomes all the more evident when they get to Helen’s door: 

He knows he wants to come in. Helen know he wants to come in too. This man literally says goodnight twice and when Helen responds with “you said that,” it perfects this scene. She wants him to come in as well but she’s not going to ask him to. In this moment, she sees his internal struggle and she knows that he has to make the choice himself on whether or not he wants to move on with his life with her.

When he walks away, for a moment that was Max choosing to hold onto the pain and trauma of his past. That was him choosing to hold onto the guilt that was keeping him from healing and moving on. With the suffering he’s been through, it makes sense. In many ways he’s been conditioned to fight, to suffer and to endure. It’s what he’s used to. But praise the lord, he thinks of the moments he just shared with Helen. 

The joy he has with just being in her presence. 

The opportunity he has to freely be with her and have a life with her after loving her for so long.

He is not condemned to a life of suffering. It was only for a season. He’s in love with Helen and wants to be with her. Like hell is he going to let this opportunity at a second chance of love and happiness slip away from him. So guys, he slips off that ring, runs back to Helen’s apartment and makes a choice to step into love. Step into this new, uncharted, chapter of his life with Helen Sharpe. 

Anyway guys! I hope y’all enjoyed this! I might be releasing one more meta but we will see how it goes.

As always feel free to reach out to me on Tumblr and on Twitter @oyindaodewale. Love you guys!

[twh-news]

[For you who decide to start ranting in the notes without reading: it's officially canon.]

TLDR:

Even more so than Loki just realizing he is capable of loving someone other than himself, Loki is finally willing to accept himself and all his flaws. “I don't think Loki's relationship with himself has been very healthy,” Tom Hiddleston explains. “Trying to accept those aspects of himself, which he's been on the run from, was a way of thinking about that in a really interesting way. Also, Sylvie's not Loki. Sylvie is Sylvie. That's interesting, too. I'm really excited to see what people make of it.”

“Two variants of the same being, especially you, forming this kind of sick twisted romantic relationship? That’s pure chaos! That could break reality. It’s breaking my reality right now! What an incredible seismic narcissist! You fell for yourself!”

That’s what Mobius practically yells at Loki in the latest episode of Marvel Studios’ Loki. In trying to get to the bottom of what caused the Nexus Event on Lamentis-1, Mobius starts asking questions and prodding the God of Mischief in just the right way to get a confession out of him, without Loki actually confessing to anything. After putting the pieces together from Loki’s context cues, Mobius arrives at the only logical conclusion: Loki’s fallen for the other Variant, aka Sylvie. “You like her! Does she like you?” teases Mobius.“

That was one of the cruxes of my pitch [for the series], that there was going to be a love story,” head writer Michael Waldron explains to Marvel.com. “We went back and forth for a little bit about, like do we really want to have this guy fall in love with another version of himself? Is that too crazy? But in a series that, to me, is ultimately about self-love, self-reflection, and forgiving yourself, it just felt right that that would be Loki's first real love story.”

Loki and Sylvie’s love story has an apocalyptic beginning since that’s where the two first begin to bond. Trapped on a moon on the verge of total destruction, the two are forced to work together to find a way out of this situation, only to have it completely fail before their eyes. Feeling defeated, Sylvie wonders if Lokis are always destined to lose?

Loki reassures her that while they might lose, they don’t die — they survive. He goes on to call Sylvie “amazing” for how she almost took down the TVA on her own, and it’s clear from the look on his face that even though they’ve only been together a short while, Loki’s already come to admire and respect her. As the moon literally crumbles around them, Sylvie places a hand on Loki’s arm, and that’s when it happens: A branch on the Sacred Timeline. These two Lokis are having a moment they were never supposed to have, which as Mobius puts it, is “pure chaos.”

“The look that they share, that moment, [it started as] a blossoming friendship,” continues Waldron. “Then for the first time, they both feel that twinge of, ‘Oh, could this be something more? What is this I'm feeling?’ These are two beings of pure chaos that are the same person falling in love with one another. That's a straight-up and down branch, and exactly the sort of thing that would terrify the TVA.”

Thankfully this branch also leads to the two variants being located on Lamentis-1; unfortunately, their rescue leads to them immediately thrown into captivity at the TVA.

But what happened on Lamentis-1 clearly affects both of them in different ways, with Loki slowly coming to grips with the fact that he does have feelings for Sylvie — even though she’s “difficult, irritating, and tries to hit [him] all the time.”

This is only made more pronounced after Loki finds himself trapped in a time loop with Lady Sif back on Asgard shortly following his past-self committing a cruel prank and cutting off her hair. Sif not only beats him up (and rightfully so), but tells him many times, “You deserve to be alone and you always will be.” For the first time, Loki realizes he doesn’t want to be alone, and that there might be someone out there for him, who he can connect with on another level.

Even more so than Loki just realizing he is capable of loving someone other than himself, Loki is finally willing to accept himself and all his flaws. “I don't think Loki's relationship with himself has been very healthy,” Tom Hiddleston explains. “Trying to accept those aspects of himself, which he's been on the run from, was a way of thinking about that in a really interesting way. Also, Sylvie's not Loki. Sylvie is Sylvie. That's interesting, too. I'm really excited to see what people make of it.”

As Mobius notes, it might just be a case of extreme narcissism, but it also makes complete sense for the character.

“Who’s a better match for Loki than himself?” director Kate Herron chimes in. “The whole show is about identity. It's about him, and he is on a very different path, and he is on a different journey. He sees things in Sylvie that he is like, ‘Oh, I've been there. I know what you feel.’ But she's like, ‘Well, I don't feel that way.’ And I think that was the kind of fun thing about it. She is him, but she's not him. They've had such different life experiences. So just from an identity perspective, it was interesting to dig into that.”

“When Loki meets Sylvie, he's inspired solely by curiosity,” reveals Hiddleston. “He wants to talk to her and understand her and try to discern what was similar about their experiences, and what was different. He keeps asking her questions because he wants to see if his experience was also her experience. I think he realizes, and she realizes, that while they're the same, they're not the same.”

Herron was careful setting up this relationship. “It was just about giving it the space to breathe and digging into it in a way that felt earned,” she explains.

Considering partnerships are 50/50, credit has to be paid to Sophia Di Martino, taking on the role of Sylvie and becoming someone who can match Loki’s own energy and chaos.

"I think something that Sophia captured really beautifully is that she’s in a different space,” continues Herron. “She's almost where Loki was in Thor in some ways where she's dealing with a lot of pain. For different reasons, obviously. It was really interesting having her in a different headspace of a different Loki.”

When production was shut down at the start of the pandemic, Herron kept working, putting together what had already been filmed. She realized that “there were tonally some things that were coming to the surface” between Loki and Sylvie that she could explore deeper.

“As we were cutting it together in the studio, everyone was, ‘Oh, this [relationship] is really cool. Let's dig into that more,’" shares Herron. “When we went back to filming, we added or tweaked scripts basically to [emphasize it].”

[impalementation]

spike, angel, buffy & romanticism: part 1

I said a long ways back that I thought the switch from Angel to Spike as Buffy’s primary love interest represented an interesting evolution in the show’s attitude towards—and interrogation of—romanticism, and I finally felt like expanding on what I meant by that. This is very long, very meandering, and not terribly academic or well-edited, but I hope there’s something of interest in it nonetheless. It is about 20,000 words in total, and will discuss, in more or less chronological order, the arc of the show’s attitude towards romanticism as it is embodied in Spike, Angel, Buffy and Buffy’s relationships with both of them. I was going to release it as one long post, but because it’s so long, I figured a series of posts might be more readable. Here’s the first one.

* 

“When you kiss me I want to die��: Angel and the high school seasons

Both Spike and Angel are at once capital-R Romantic figures, and lower-case romantic interests, and in both cases that Romantic/romantic duality is what makes them such effective avatars for ideas around romanticism. In the case of Angel, the show is aware from the beginning that he is very much a Romantic idea of something. In “Welcome to the Hellmouth” Buffy describes him as “dark” and “gorgeous”, evoking the “tall, dark and handsome” cliche. He’s mysterious. He gives her a necklace and his coat, gestures out of high school romance fiction.* In “Out of Mind, Out of Sight” Giles lampshades the romance of him: “A vampire in love with a Slayer. It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.” Initially, Angel is basically designed to be a teenage girl fantasy, and it’s no coincidence that his successors like Edward Cullen or Stefan Salvatore conform to similar tropes.

*(Think of how five seasons later, a vampire will give Dawn his letterman jacket in “All the Way”. It’s hard not to read as a deliberate echo of Angel’s gift in season one. Once again, a vampire makes romantic gestures towards a high school version of “Buffy”, and later turns on her. But more on this much later in the series.)

The difference between Angel and those other, more typical Supernatural Romance love interests however, is that the show ultimately attempts to subvert the romance of him. As part of its commentary on Gothic themes, season two makes Angel more Romantic than ever (the Claddagh, the tormented past), and makes the romance between him and Buffy central to the story in a way it wasn’t in season one. And then, of course, the season tears it all apart. The first time we learn what Angel did to Drusilla it’s horrifying, but still somehow abstract. Something that seems more like it’s meant to contribute to Angel’s dangerous, Byronic image. As in, something to make him more Romantic. And then suddenly it becomes real. Suddenly, it’s something that Angel could do to Buffy, or the people Buffy cares about. It turns out that his darkly romantic aura was not just an aura, but genuinely dark all along.

In turn, Angel’s devastating transformation is a metaphor for broader disillusionment about romantic ideas. It’s less to me about a “guy going bad after sex”, and more about what it means and feels like to have the scales fall from one’s eyes in that sort of situation. As Buffy copes with the fallout of Angel’s transformation, and later is forced to kill him, I see it as being about the tragedy of having to see the world in ways that are less simple, easy, or pretty as one gets older. As Buffy and Giles say in “Lie To Me”:

BUFFY: Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. 

GILES: I believe that's called growing up. 

For more on this, I recommend this livejournal post on “Lie To Me”, which goes into great depth on the way season two frames stories as pretty lies that one needs to look beneath, and how Buffy’s romanticization of Angel symbolizes that.

The whole arc of the season is Buffy’s failure to see the danger presented by Angel. In this opening scene that danger is foreshadowed. More to the point for this essay, Angel goes on to lie to Buffy about having encountered Drusilla. He doesn’t want Buffy to know about the nature of Angelus – which means that his first inclination is to mask the danger he presents to Buffy. This is one episode after Halloween, where Buffy’s romantic fantasies about what Angel wants (a damsel) nearly get her killed. Nor is she completely over those fantasies, as she notes that the mystery woman talking to Angel had a pretty old-fashioned dress. So against the backdrop of Buffy’s fantasies about her dark and mysterious boyfriend we have the truth about what he is, which is quite horrifying.

Season three then takes this to another level, by not just pointing out the darkness of the romance of Angel, but in fact puncturing his romantic image. Instead of emphasizing his dangerousness, as season two did, season three emphasizes his adulthood. It emphasizes the way that Angel is someone Buffy sees in secret, or away from her friends. He’s not integrated with her teenage, high school life, and doesn’t fit with the peppy, high school movie aesthetic that characterizes a lot of season three. By doing this, the writing indicates that at this point in their lives, Buffy and Angel are ultimately incompatible and holding each other back. Regardless of however much they might care for each other, Angel can’t fully appreciate her teenage longings like dances, and college, and having a boyfriend. And Buffy can’t fully appreciate his adult need to find himself on his own terms. By the end of season three, Angel is less of a shadowy, tragic figure, and more just an adult man who needs to finally grow up a bit.

Season three also starts making jokes where the punchline is that Angel isn’t living up to the romantic aesthetic he embodied in seasons one and two. In “Helpless”, for example, he and Buffy have an exchange where he waxes sincerely about wanting to “keep [her heart] safe, to warm it with [his own]” and although Buffy says the sentiment is beautiful, a second later she deadpans: “Or taken literally, incredibly gross.” To which Angel replies, “I was just thinking that, too.” Or in “Graduation Day, Part 1”, Angel trips on a doorway instead of making a silent entrance and Buffy again deadpans: “Stealthy.” Angel’s romance slips at moments when Buffy herself is feeling weak, either because she has lost her Slayer powers, or she’s investigating the scene of her sister Slayer’s crime. Her Romantic Slayer half is betraying her, and her romantic girlish half is feeling insecure. This is echoed by the reminder that Angel is no longer a straightforward fantasy man--or a terrifying, larger-than-life villain--but a guy who is sometimes both verbally and physically inelegant. 

(Notice how one of the few times season two makes similar jokes about Angel it’s in “Lie to Me”, the very same episode that begins to peel off the layers of deceptions and unknowns about him. Angel slumps around Willow’s bedroom and jokes about “honing [his] brooding skills”, he insists that the vampire wannabes know nothing about vampires right before a guy walks by wearing his exact outfit, and Xander runs color commentary, saying “you’re not wrong” after each of Ford’s observations. In “Lie to Me” one of Angel’s hidden faces is his dangerousness, yes. But another hidden face is simply his human awkwardness.)

There’s an interesting Slayage piece by Elizabeth Gilliland that discusses the idea of Angel as a Gothic double for Buffy, specifically connecting him to the story of Jekyll and Hyde. It argues that Angel’s split identities represent Buffy’s fears that her human and Slayer halves are irreconcilable, and she cannot fully control either half. In season three, the fact that Buffy and Angel must continuously resist a loss of control with each other, and are treated as romantically incompatible, reflects this fear. 

In Season Three, replete with various factors in Buffy’s life that threaten to put her role as Slayer and girl into imbalance once more [...] Angel once again returns [...]. The season culminates in an attempted attack on Buffy’s classmates during graduation, which essentially forces her to “out” herself to her community and combine her roles as Slayer and daughter, classmate, and friend for the first time publicly (“Graduation Day: Part 2” 3.22). The worst has happened: her secret has been revealed, the entire school knows about both of her personas, and she has not only survived, but emerged with a stronger sense of self [...] Buffy has conquered her first Gothic fear, and proven to herself that she can not only exercise control over both dualities of her persona, but allow them to peacefully co-exist. Thus, Angel’s continuing struggle with Angelus can no longer act as her shadow, and he literally and metaphorically leaves her to continue the rest of her journey.

It’s an interpretation I mostly agree with, and see a lot of evidence for. But in keeping with the focus of this series, I think you could also read Angel as embodying a duality between the romantic and the unromantic. In this view, Buffy’s struggle between her human and her Slayer halves is not just a struggle between personas, but a struggle to see the world correctly. In season one, it’s not Angel that revives Buffy in “Prophecy Girl”, because Angel is a vampire trope just like the Master. He cannot help her, because he is exactly the kind of traditional romantic concept--like a candle-lit cavern, an ancient Nosferatu-looking vampire, or a Chosen Hero duty--that Buffy is trying to escape. In season two, loss of control is specifically associated with passion, romance, and romanticism. Buffy’s human half longs for the romantic, but her Slayer half, and Angel’s vampire half, prove that sometimes the romantic is something dangerous and violent. The fact that Buffy’s Slayer identity and Angel’s Angelus identity both end up being outed by the end of the season (especially to Joyce, a figure of Buffy’s human home life), echoes Buffy’s loss of innocence. Season three then continues this suspicion of passion. Buffy fears that like Faith, enjoying the violence and power and desire of being a Slayer, means that she will go down a dark path. She also fears that indulging in her sexual and romantic desire for Angel will unleash Angelus. To some extent, these fears are even borne out, given that her love for Angel results in her attempted murder of Faith, and near death at Angel’s hands. But to some extent they also aren’t, given that she, Faith and Angel all live. 

To me, what really gets resolved at the end of season three is not quite the issue of Buffy’s human and Slayer halves, given that Buffy will continue to struggle with that duality until the end of the show. Rather, what gets resolved is the need for binaries. Binaries are romantic things. When Giles gives his speech to Buffy at the end of “Lie To Me”, it is the language of binaries that he uses:

GILES: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after. 

BUFFY: Liar.

In season three, Buffy thinks she must resist both Faith and Angel. She thinks she can only be either a human girl or a Slayer leader. Many plots in season three have to do with the danger of binaries, whether that’s the witch-hunting parents in “Gingerbread”, Willow dealing with her vampire self in “Doppelgangland”, the various alter-egos in “Beauty and the Beasts”, or Cordy choosing a Buffy-less world in “The Wish”. And no character in the Buffyverse embodies the concept of binaries so starkly as Angel does. Thus by the end of season three, Buffy collapses the binaries within herself by merging the human and Slayer parts of her life, as Gilliland observes, and taking on Faith’s traits. She acknowledges her shadow by kissing her tenderly on the forehead, and bids farewell to the illusions and binaries that Angel embodies. Buffy is leaving that part of her life behind, and starting a new chapter where she can no longer split either the world, or herself, into any one thing or another.

part 2: “Love isn’t brains, children”: Enter Spike as the id

[qvid-pro-qvo]

do you have a favorite Criminal Minds episode overall? Do you have a favorite for each character?

mmmmmmm very good question to think about as i comfort rewatch :) also, probably gonna do favorite here and not best, because i think those are two separate questions. you’ll also see my bias toward earlier episodes here. whoops. 

favorite episode overall - this is a tough one, but i LOVE the episodes where we see the work of profiling, and in some episodes this is really shown as an art form. i would have to say “seven seconds” (3x01). i love the enclosed space the mall serves as geography, i love how they interview the family, i love the way they bounce off of each other. i could watch this episode every day. shit like this is why criminal minds is great. there are other episodes that i could classify as favorites but probably fall into the category of character episodes. 

this unsurprisingly got long, like novel-lengthy, so i’m sticking the individual characters under a cut.

hotch 

aaron hotchner. there’s a reason i write fic for this man, besides the fact that i feel like in later seasons he is the epitome of one note most times. we see him smile every so often, but i also think i latch onto earlier episodes because we see so much of his care for those he cares for. i LOVE “lessons learned” (2x10) for him. i LOVE the way he is so blatantly shown to adore haley and jack. i think this is one of the episodes that speaks volumes across the show, even as his humanity kind of gets stripped away in the later episodes. i think this is a great intro for emily prentiss, too, but i don’t put it with her because while she does shine, i like other episodes for her better. the foyet storyline, of course, all the way through its conclusion in “route 66” (9x05). i really love the way we see his adoration for haley and jack, i love the way we see him grapple with his guilt, and. fuck. i just care about aaron hotchner a lot. also i can’t not say “it takes a village” (7x01) - beard hotch? inspired my first ever fic for him? yeah.  also, i think it also shows the things he is willing to do for his team, because i truly think that if any member of the team was in that situation, he would be there for them and do the exact same thing. hypothetically. 

rossi 

rossi isn’t my favorite character for a variety of reasons, namely because i never really felt connected to him and i think he... is a tool for the writers to bring things out of left field. but i think a huge growth moment for him and for me in terms of appreciating him as a character is “zoe’s reprise” (4x15). the rossi that comes back to the bau is definitely one who is a lot of things, and this episode pretty much expertly breaks down every wall that he’s put up since he left. we see him empathize with a victim, see him get told off when he tries to use money to fix the situation, we see him reflect on the consequences of his actions and the way that even though he’s kind of an ass when he first comes on, there’s more underneath. like i said, he’s not my favorite character, but this episode does a good job of working in much needed humanization of him. also, of course, the dinner scene in “proof” (7x02) could be an episode all on it’s own. “as a family.” you’re so right, rossi, you’re so right. 

derek 

god, i fucking love derek episodes. i love, love, love derek morgan. i high-key think that shemar moore does some of the most incredible/versatile acting on this show, and i’m not even speaking in hyperbole. we can talk about microexpressions from hotch and mgg’s portrayal all we want, but the way shemar moore delivers a man who suffered from some of the worst childhood trauma and creates a layered character with some of the most incredible empathy towards others on his team and victims is just jaw-dropping. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again - derek is the most emphathetic character and the most in tune with the rest of the team. he is 100% the character who knows what others are feeling and actually acts on it. his relationships with spencer and penelope and emily -

but the episodes. there are tons of points in episodes focused on other characters where he shines (”penelope” and “mayhem” are two that come to mind) but honestly? “profiler, profiled” (2x12). not because of the trauma, but because how derek reacts to the trauma. we see him go through the five stages of grief when it comes to watching his persona, his shield, crumble around his team. we see him get taken apart and put himself back together. it is one of those episodes that makes me cry every time i watch it. derek confronting carl buford, that scene - f u c k. that’s all i have to say. 

penelope 

i absolutely adore my girl penelope. her character-centric episodes are some of my absolute favorite in the show. and it’s more like, i see a lot of myself in her even if i don’t absolutely identify with her personality (i am not nearly as sunshiney, unfortunately). so for her, i have to go with the classic “penelope” (3x09) for one. first of all, i think that the way the team cares for her is so vital. she is the heart of the team. and this episode shows it. more than that, i think it also shows how important a role she plays when she’s fully functioning, and we get reminded of how much she so desperately cares for others. i rewatch this episode often. another one for her is “exit wounds” (5x21). once again showing how much she cares for others, and also a really good/great/awesome derek and penelope moment. i love how often we get reassured that the team wants her exactly how she is, and she doesn’t have to change to catch the bad guys, and the moment where she says she looked into that man’s eyes so he could see something brilliant and bright as he died? god. sticks with me. 

emily

now. i’m not gonna lie. i think while i simp for hotch, emily is the most interesting character in the canon besides derek. i think while there are some problems in terms of continuity in her storyline, i think her journey in season six is one of my absolutely favorites to rewatch. i love watching her manipulate doyle. do i think the show could’ve done more in terms of fallout? yes. do i care? not totally. it’s a procedural, i get it. i love emily prentiss (probably am in love with her). i think her introduction in “lessons learned” is expert. while “demonology” (4x17) isn’t my favorite episode overall (i felt a disconnect with the story they were trying to tell in terms of unsub), i think for emily it’s such a brilliant look into her psyche and the way she thinks about her past. and i think “lauren” (6x18) is awesome at making the audience really look, watching her grapple with the consequences of her actions, her breakdown when she hears garcia’s message and having to quickly put herself back together... yeah, i love it. another one? “minimal loss” (4x03). i LOVE minimal loss. not only because of the story and the unsub, because emily throwing herself verbally in front of spencer to protect him is one of the top tier moments in the show. her and spencer’s relationship... fuck, so good.

spencer

there is a reason that spencer reid sticks around through fifteen seasons and it is because he is the soul of show. no, i’m not kidding. i think there is a lot of development that happens with spencer and when his individual relationships are highlighted the show shines. i think when the show, well, showcases his ingenuity it thrives. one episode that i just rewatched that comes to mind is “derailed” (1x09). the intensity of the episode is highlighted by spencer’s moments of humor, humanity, and intelligence. i like “revelations” (2x15) for the same reason. we see his genius through the eyes of the team and we’re just as in awe of him as hotch and gideon are. (did he get the support he needed after that episode? no, and i’ll die mad about it.) also his relationship with his mother, i will cry about it at any moment of the day. i LOVE their relationship, i love the way they develop, i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that we see the both of them throughout the whole series. “the fisher king, part two” (2x01) and the growth moments between the both of them - like, god, rip my heart out kind of love. fuck, and don’t even get me started on HIS empathy. the way that he reaches out to so many people who are suffering through his ability to just... listen. he doesn’t overlook anyone. he can’t. he knows what it feels like. some examples i love “the uncanny valley” (5x12) and “coda” (6x16).

jj

jj. there’s a lot i could say about jj, but i will say this. i do think liaison jj is more interesting, inherently, than profiler jj, and i do think that her character is reduced as the series goes along. i honestly think she is more of an equal with the rest of the team when she is liaison and plays that role. i will say, though, that i think her own exhibition of empathy, namely through the way she is willing to take the brunt of communicating with victims and families, is brilliant throughout the show. she does so much and i wish we saw her do even more (also she is canonically one of the best shots on the team, and i LOVE that). my favorite episodes for her is “risky business” (5x13), because as someone who has lost a friend in the same way jj lost her sister, i really felt for her and i think this gave us so much insight into WHY she does what she does. and “the longest night” (6x01) because her speech impacts the unsub almost as much as it impacts me. there’s a reason hotch wants her to be the one on the radio waves, and she nails it because she’s competent and incredible and... yeah. i do love her.

[luciensfox]

ACOSF Thoughts...

Don’t read unless you wish to be spoiled! Here are some things I can’t get out of my head after finishing the book...

Well first and foremost, I absolutely adore Nessian (as I always have but now it’s even more so) and I’m incredibly pleased with the direction it seems that SJM is leading Nesta’s character development! I’ve always wanted a badass warrior Nesta and I got way more than I figured (short of her growing wings at any time as I think some Valkyrie myths depict, this is amazing/ especially with all of the parallels people drew with her and Enalius). She’s going to make for an interesting character in the coming books and dare I say...commander Nesta. Oh, yes.

Of course I’ve always been obsessed with Lucien and nothing has changed on that front, but I’m even more intrigued now because we still need so many answers. When will it be revealed that he’s the heir of the Day Court? What’s the standings between he and Tamlin? With Vassa and Jurian? With his mother/ brothers? His mate? We literally got only two or three scenes with Luc involved so I knew nothing would be resolved in this novella, however I’m even more excited to see how Eris will play into his character arc come the next story (because you cannot convince me that SJM would put more emphasis on Eris than Lucien in this book and not intend for some brotherly angst in the future). Eris is also an anomaly and maybe it’s because I’m obsessed with the mysterious nature of whatever the hell is happening in the Autumn Court, but I really can’t wait to see what’s up with him and the rest of his family. (Also....the ballroom scene with Nest and Eris dancing to what is supposed to reflect Black Swan was one of my absolute favorite scenes.) Does Eris secretly desire peace and wants to take over Autumn not for power but to make amends and heal/ bring back glory to his home? And what exactly happened with Mor? SJM put so much emphasis on that too and we still have no idea.

I LOVE Gwyneth and Emerie. The triad of Valkyries was honestly the best part of the whole book for me. I know everyone is quick to match up characters with potential romances/ mates etc and it sounds like that’s what will happen with these two...but let’s not forget that they’re incredibly strong characters on their own terms and I hope whatever comes about their arcs isn't entirely placed on their romance status. However, they both seem to want to find someone to be with which leads me to believe that Emerie and Mor will very likely end up together (if only for the fact that we got one sentences indicating Em finds Mor gorgeous....I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens) and that Gwyn is going to be a potential interest for Azriel. 

I love Lucien so much, but my soft fox boy needs to heal and stop forcing himself to find romantic love when all he really needs is some self love. (So perhaps that will be his final journey....Lucien finally coming to terms with his trauma, settling ties with everyone from his past, and taking up his mental as Helion’s son and the future of the Day Court.) 

Elain seemed a bit OOC...and yet not at all? We’ve only got the chance to see the “sweet/ innocent” side of her, but it makes sense that she’s going to be a super complex character (SJM wouldn't have set her up so mysteriously if the intent was to leave her as a mere gardener) and that her journey in following books will show us a side of her we’ve never encountered. The Elriel ship has always been a confusing one for me, not because I don’t ship it but because there’s so much happening all the time that it’s hard to get a proper read on clues when SJM throws characters like Gwyn at us...coupled with the fact that Lucien seems to still be in love with Elain (or at least he’s just lonely and doesn't know how else to react, never mind whatever is happening with Vassa and Jurian), and that Az seems intent on getting with Elain....but Az also seems to be the type of character who falls in love deeply without considering a number of things. He’s driven by his desires and often hurt by them, hence his love for Mor. Notice how shortly after he started drifting from his desire for Mor, he started to desire Elain? Part of me wonders if it’s because he found the person he’s meant to be with...or if he felt attracted to her and she was a distraction to his pain and a means to help him get over Mor. Like I said, I don’t know which way I lean just yet but these are all possibilities!

Then there’s the Gwynriel ship--totally didn’t see that coming but I can’t say I don’t enjoy it. I love how Gwyn teases Az in a way that many others usually don’t dare, and that she’s another character with a history outside of the IC. While there’s a lot to consider, like the fact that Az’s shadows shy away when Elain is around but “dance” and seem to be overjoyed when Gwyn is nearby, I think a truly noticeable parallel to the pairing could be this:

Azriel is no stranger to unrequited love. In fact, that seemed to be his overarching characteristic for the first two books. Now that he’s found Elain and she also reciprocates their shared desire, it would be easy to pair them together. However, Gwyn seems to be interested in Azriel and Az can’t seem to figure out his standings with her other than being enticed and not realizing what’s in front of him because he’s so determined to be with Elain since “she’s the third sister and he the third brother” etc so it must make sense somehow even though Elain is mated. But Gwyn, to that extent, is no stranger to unrequited love either. 

Just imagine: Azriel finally cracks in the following book and shows a rare display of emotions to either Gwyn or the IC (or both) and Gwyn decides to confront him about facing his fears (his past with Mor, his current standings with Elain, his desire to have someone) by claiming that she knows exactly what unrequited love feels like because every day she stares at him and feels precisely as devastated as he did/does whenever he sees Mor or Elain. Az will probably be shocked to all hell and maybe it’ll snap him out of his misery enough to think clearly on the whole matter.

The Rhysand and Nesta friendship was something else I wasn’t expecting, didn’t necessarily think I’d want, but now am excited to see bloom. They definitely do share traits and I can’t help but remember how Rhys once compared Feyre to Cassian and how Nesta and Rhys might be the opposite counterparts since they’re both haughty and respond to things with incredibly heightened emotions because they love fiercely. 

This post is much longer than I’d intended but oh well, some other things for your consideration.....

A Varian/Amren x Nessian double date.

Nesta taking on a similar military role as Cassian and either leading a female unit of Illyrians/ Valkyries or sharing the brunt of Cassian’s job (plus come on... those two training together is essentially their respective version of foreplay and I’m so here for warrior Nessian bonding).

I hope we get to see that mating ceremony scene!

Also....does anyone remember Balthazar--the Illyrian who showed up for one scene and fell asleep on Nesta’s shoulder during the Blood Rite while he helped them find shelter? There’s no way SJM would’ve written in a character like that without intending for him to show up again in the future....

Koschei the deathless? Wonder what will occur there. 

Damn, if you’ve made it this far give yourself a pat on the back. 

[sepublic]

You know, I've seen plenty of great ideas for Amphibia x TOH swaps, but there's one thing I haven't seen anyone point out yet. If Luz takes Anne's place and goes to Amphibia, then she gets something she's always wanted at the start of TOH: Being part of a prophecy.

           …That is, a VERY interesting concept, not gonna lie!

           The thing about Luz’s fundamental issues prior to meeting Eda was… She really had a problem with distinguishing fantasy from reality, learning to set the boundaries between the two, and fully respect said boundaries. She wasn’t malicious of course, but regardless…

           This is an interesting ask because we don’t know yet how the prophecy will unfold and be revealed within the show, or even its exact nature! But regardless, this is making me imagine Luz meeting the Plantars, and… Really, I can see Hop Pop’s more down-to-earth nature helping Luz learn to distinguish fantasy from reality, to an extent. Especially since Hop Pop himself is lowkey like Luz in that they’re very unorthodox heroes who don’t quite save the day the way they expected to; But their methods are –usually- valid. Such as Hop Pop accidentally inspiring a revolution among the Frogs, or that time he served as a martyr for those tiny frogs, with his mistreatment by the Hasslebacks being the final injustice that pushes them to fight back and defend themselves, without having to rely on any outsiders to do the work for them. Then there’s him projecting a Noir Film onto his search for Sal, to the point where he straight-up kills an innocent man…

           And, that’s making me imagine Luz and Hop Pop kind of bonding over this (not the murder though), especially with Hop Pop’s failed dreams of becoming an actor. I can see Luz being pretty sympathetic and a lot more involved in Hop Pop’s stint with Renee Frodgers, a lot more than Anne did- And considering we see her try out for Romeo and Juliet at one point, maybe she also has a taste for theater herself! Not to mention, all of this discussion of confusing fantasy with reality is just reminding me of Marcy… Specifically, the speculation of Marcy low-key seeing her time in Amphibia as more like a videogame with its tropes, to a potentially harmful extent as she might not treat this situation as a very real one with actual stakes and living, breathing people.

           Of course, the thing to remember is- Luz takes a lot of initiative in her own character development, too! She’s a receptive person and self-reflects. I feel like even if she never met Eda, it wouldn’t have been out of the question for Luz to still resolve her own issues… It’d have just been a much more difficult and tedious journey, especially if Luz had to go through that Reality Camp. But regardless, when you remember that Hop Pop also goes through similar character development, albeit more around the Season 2 timeframe… With Hop Pop making the conscious decision on his own to call out Renee on her thievery, without Anne nor any circumstances goading him into it, because he’s a very moral character at heart…

           Maybe Luz could have issues like Marcy. It’s worth considering if Andrias is manipulating and feeding into Marcy’s dreams. But regardless, I see Luz and Hop Pop working together, mutually, to get past their own issues, well before the prophecy is revealed- And we still don’t know when that’s going to happen! Maybe Luz and Hop Pop could be a duo reminiscent to Luz and King during Sense and Insensitivity. I can’t say for sure if Luz’s character development will be as potent by the prophecy’s reveal, as she is as of the Season Finale in HER show… I think Eda is ultimately a wiser character than Hop Pop, and characters like Willow and Amity serve as neat narrative contrasts/foils to Luz’s own antics. Though, I can imagine Luz getting caught up in shipping Sprig and Ivy, and possibly the fallout of this leading to a lesson or two…

           But in the end, as I said- Luz has a good heart, and she goes around to do the right thing, in the end. She’s like Hop Pop in that regard, and of course there’s also the existence of Sprig and Polly, not to mention what a fellow weirdo like One-Eyed Wally might have to say, here or there. I guess a lot of it depends on the exact context of how this prophecy is revealed, and how it even works… But I see Luz as being grounded by the more down-to-earth Wartwood, well before she gets to Newtopia. This does raise the interesting idea of her possibly backtracking on her character development, especially with Marcy’s influence and Andrias’ potential manipulations…

           And yet, I can see Luz still turning around to do the right in the end, just as Hop Pop did; Even when his dreams DID come true, and he became a renowned actor! I think Luz would come to the conclusion that even being ‘chosen’ by some divine force doesn’t really make her any better than anyone else… Not to mention that the people and world she’s saving is still very much its own thing, not beholden to her. So I see Luz accepting the mantle of being a hero, if only because she’s a good person and of course she’s not going to let something bad happen… And I can imagine the Plantars helping to gently nudge and remind Luz of her past lessons, to not get confused with fantasy and reality again. The prophecy would definitely be a twist antithetical and contradictory to Luz’s character development, given how she’s being transplanted into a different show with different themes, originally intended for a different protagonist…

           But, if Marcy is going to learn her lesson and get past her own issues –assuming those specific issues ARE a thing of course- then I can see Luz being a guiding light and force for her… Maybe the two mutually navigate past potential delusions together, who knows? I’ve speculated in the past how Luz would handle the revelation of having powerful magical heritage... How Luz would truly show off her character development by rejecting even this seemingly objective, tangible cosmic reason for her being special, and still asserting her equal standing with everyone else. Even when placed on top of the hierarchy, Luz rejects it, showing how much her lessons mean to her. I can see Andrias trying to set Luz up to agree with his hierarchy under that concept of divinely-ordained ‘specialness’, and how it’d all just tie into Luz working to abolish the caste system with Hop Pop.

           I can see it being a contrast to Sasha and Grime, who want to topple the current Newt Hierarchy… More than likely, so they can switch it around with Toads on the top. Not exactly the most helpful change, in the end… Luz decides that instead of reversing the roles, it’s best to just get rid of the roles entirely. It could play into a discussion of privilege, and it’d be interesting to see how Luz, Marcy, and Sasha would all bounce off of one another- Sasha low-key has her issues with dismissing the people of Amphibia, and once talked about ‘having fun’ there. Obviously her respect for Grime has changed this a lot… But there’s still that willingness to conquer what she fully recognizes now as an actual civilization of people. She would certainly take the revelation of a prophecy as full justification that she was never wrong about anything, and that Sasha is of course entitled to taking over Amphibia- Especially if Grime feeds into this both out of genuine support and his own desires.

           Then there’s that idea of Sasha and Grime enabling one another to be worse, even if they also still go through a little bit of positive character development… And as for Marcy and Andrias, I can’t quite say because the latter is still quite the enigma. Either way, Luz has to serve as a grounding force for the other girls with Hop Pop’s help… And really, it sounds like the set-up for total chaos, a battle royal, a complete free-for-all with every Amphibian and Human for themselves as they navigate one another amidst the backdrop of this prophecy. If we want to apply Luz’s motif and themes of being a guiding light for other characters in her own show, I can see her forcing Sasha and Marcy to confront the reality of what they’re doing… And I think interactions between her and Grime would be fascinating, as she’d be VERY much in favor of toppling the monarchy- But specifically to undo the hierarchy entirely, instead of switching it around to the Toads’ favor. If Sasha and Grime enable one another, perhaps Luz will have to act as a voice of reason and buffer between the two- And again, it depends on how Sasha and Grime’s character development goes.

           Overall, this sounds like QUITE the debacle, and I’m kind of fascinated, imagining how these different characters with different motifs, meant to be compatible with narrative parallels and contrasts, amidst the themes of their particular show; And how they’d adapt and fit into another show’s cast and themes! Anne taking Luz’s place in the Boiling Isles would be interesting, given how Anne has clearly internalized Sasha’s idea of ‘knowing what’s best for someone you care about’, and how this seems to be a recurring trend amongst people like Emira and Edric toward Amity, Lilith with Eda, etc. And, I guess I could go into a whole ‘nother discussion of how Eda has to help Anne recover from this low-key abuse and toxicity, and Anne having a similar moment of standing up to Sasha with those characters, possibly citing her own experiences… But, that’s probably a discussion for another time, I think. I guess it depends if I have the time and energy for it, and my cyclical focus aligns just right…

[alivingstillness]

The heart intervention

A text about relationship, self-refinement and self-honesty, for the waking one.

You have come to the point of a story with another human being, where you feel tremendous urge for change. Unclear language and action between each other feels like it pushes you further towards the edge of a cliff that you no longer feel familiar with. 

To be infatuated with someone, ones actions and emotions often have the sense to be completely irrational. It is a forgetting of structure and behavioural patterns because for sometime, the feeling of union pushes mind to the backseat of our mechanism. It is not unusual that love-relationships are being built on this uniting desire to dissolve in one and another, but that the relationship takes new form when being tainted by life-experience outside of what is usually this first phase. 

“You need to love yourself, before you can love another.”

As long as union with another human being is the only experience one has had for complete absorption in love-bliss, the desire to experience union will be projected and wished for in the other person, - mistaking feeling and inner joy for the working of the other being. 

Since sex is such a potent way to for a moment shut the mind up and forget about the world, while one is in presence-absorption with flow of experience, it often becomes the gateway to project unity on a relationship that has gone sour or that is past the infatuation phase. It is a vicious habit because it is perpetuating ones own self-realisation and forcing the responsibility on your partner to fulfil yourself. Bodily urges can be satiated only for a short time, but recognising a deeper layer to our urges can make us go the root of them which makes us stop projecting our lack on other people. 

It is absolutely not about abstaining from sensory experience, or stopping the body or heart from attraction. But from self-realisation or awakening there is union beyond body, making the heart more infinite that one could ever dream of. 

To make love from the view of oneself already being in union, and being in the heart of awareness is like instead of acting as drops to become an ocean, you are the whole ocean in every drop, fully experiencing and never projecting. It gives you the opportunity to go into relation with another without tainting the relationship with your inner desire to feel whole. 

When realising divine union as yourself, there is tremendous energy, not only in your body but you become one with it. A journey with kundalini within your being, can work as layers upon layers of unfolding until focus becomes meditation and you surrender yourself to the Self, -rarely an instant transformation. On this journey, the human body and its energies change. 

There is frequent increase of experiencing on a more subtle level, which makes mystical experiences very common. Our whole vibration changes, making our vibratory field a natural director of things. When recognising awareness as yourself, the mind gets to be more of a witness of your path that has become pathless, watching new vibratory play take form, appearing as the path. 

Now, living as this bundle of vibratory potential, heart in Self-awareness and mind tagging along, can be sort of irruptive in the world of “I” the doer, for you are no longer that, and “I” is more like a divine act, a play of living form, no longer personal, yet very intimate. 

To act without acting or embodying the rays of uncaused and free will, one has to surrender the “I” completely. Even though some realisation of yourself might have taken place, it is hard to embody this divine surrender when living roles as mother, spouse, boyfriend, child or employee. One can understand the value of asceticism in this recognition. But it is also a bit of escapism of the play that is also the absolute, and if you have a structure that gives resistance to your truth, there is opportunity to surrender to that as well. But this is complex since some things are meant to stay and some to shatter. 

Embodying virtues of self-union and giving them form is alchemical, it lets awareness into maya and you get the opportunity - if you long for truth and purity enough, to play one last game in total freedom, which from a social perspective can be damn hard to let happen. 

If you have undergone some expansive self-understanding, your relationship with others will take new forms. Ones perspective about everything changes when there has been a new climax in self-exploration. A wise teacher once said: 

“A seed, having become a tree can never go back to being a seed, it is a tree!” - Rohan Ji. 

Since you are now a tree, you see the potential and recognition of a tree in the whole spectrum of form. It will change the way you look at things and others as much as it changes the person looking. Even your eyes will transform. Interactions with others are therefore in for a change as well. 

When being in an intimate relationship with someone who has not yet sparked his or hers desire towards the path of self discovery while you have jumped on the express train of inner fire to complete oblivion, turbulence are bound to happen. 

When the resonance between two beings become disruptive and your wavelengths of expression and understanding have become very different, the relationship structure easily becomes a battle of separate forces. Unless your parter is is willing to jump on the same train or is someone who embody enormous acceptance and security, then resistance, confusion and sorrow are some feelings likely to emerge. It might also be intimidating when noticing new behaviours, and a state of contentment can receive the opposite reaction from a partner that does not understand what perspective you are coming from. 

There is no right or wrong or anyone who can tell you how to handle your relationships or life situations after having discovered a new truth as yourself. But what can be helpful is a reflective reminder, that even though you might not be able to agree with each other or understand the others perspective, you do have the power to fully accept and surrender to what is. To recognise your feelings and your new vibration that speaks for itself and wants to be given the opportunity to direct your being in its natural flow. 

If you have already gone to the depth of your being, then there is no protection from hurt that will align anyone of you with the truth that you are. I am not telling you to to give up on someone or something as soon as things get uncomfortable, for there is much learning and growth when we confront feelings of discomfort. But they have to be confronted within, so we can have a clear language toward ourselves before we express it outwardly. Remember the seed that you were and the view that was once yours. It is not your task to push someone else forward because guidance has to come from within. If one is ready for existential pointers or true spirituality, then that will come from the desire of ones own path. It is a matter of heart longing for freedom that is outside of your personal directing. 

Stay as awareness and notice where there is stagnation and where there is flow. Be attentive and get to know your radiance in the world. Always surrender to what is presented and don’t put your wise heart behind bars. 

Embody your truth and see where it leads you. Give space for seeds to germinate, but do not make your personal ego the one to water them. What comes will come and what goes will go. Do not cling and do not be afraid, for you are eternal love. You can not give conditioned love from the structures of a finite mind when you have recognised it for its permeating liquidity, sipping through where tension can relax or be recognised as source. You are not responsible for your past feelings but you are responsible to recognise what is appearing now and act accordingly. 

Do not judge bundles of vibrations, but notice them from your heart. Honour hurt and honour joy. Stay in the present and let form be form. Let life be a grand intervention, but don’t forget yourself while investing in its wondrous play. 

Be humble, Stay awake.

/Alexandra

Artwork by James R. Eads and Chris McDaniel 

[pillow-ghost-nan]

SessRin fanfiction rec list

Because quarantine happened and Inuyasha sequel happened, and I also happened to have read way to much fanfictions my life. So here, lemme share my favourite SessRin stuff with you. There are multichapters, one shots, smut fics, fluffy ones. Some are old, some new. Some are also more paternal than romantic. Nonetheless, all are good and I absolutely recommend them.

Multi-chapter:

Not My Enemy by PinkDragonStrike

Sesshoumaru has watched Rin grow from a child into a young woman. But when she decides that her life is not meant for the path that Sesshoumaru assumed she would walk, withholding thoughts and misunderstandings threaten to separate them.

I Hate Chocolate by paizley

Sesshomaru hates chocolate; Rin finds that hard to believe. He find chocolate to be vile and entirely unpalatable; she wants a chocolate wedding cake. Well, he has his reasons. In fact, these are reasons 1-10.

 Law and Disorder by PinkDragonStrike

Sesshoumaru Takahashi, the handsome player and infamously cold hearted defense attorney was counting down the days until his father's retirement so that the firm could fall into his hands. But when a toddler and a mock trial get thrown into the picture, the arrogant DA discovers a few new things about life, love, and law.

Fabricated Memories by 00Zero

He liked her more and more. The way Rin tried to get rid of him amused him. Cute. It would've work any other time, but not tonight. He wasn't the old fashion Hideki and wouldn't wait until the marriage night. Before the sunrise, she would be his.

Lost to Tomorrow by LDP88

It's been five hundred years. The world is different, but you are still the same. - Sesshomaru & Rin M A story for the adventurous reader, the thorough reader, the adult reader.

The Decisions We Make by mteagle128

A dark force from a long-forgotten past emerges, demanding payment for a deal that he will collect at any cost; spurring actions that leave Rin running for her life. Can she and Sesshoumaru find a way to defeat this creature?

Talking to the Moon by unlockthelore

On the night of the crescent moon, Rin confronts her fears while carrying the most precious gift she'd been given - life.

Rin: An InuYasha Fairytale by InuColey

Rin is growing up in InuYasha's village, as was Kaede's suggestion. The others have had their stories told... now it's her turn. As Rin grows older, she begins to wonder where her own journey will take her. Rated M for some adult themes and language.

Jaded Nights by Tinyfoots

All Sesshomaru wants is for Rin to be safe and happy. He visits her human village every so often in order to spoil her with extravagant gifts. But when he learns his unwillingness to take her with him is doing more harm than good, he decides to rip off the bandage and let her be. That is until one fateful night…

One shots/Two shots/Short

Ghosts by baka deshi

Just as every story has a beginning, every story ends somewhere--and sometimes, other stories go on. Rin Sesshoumaru.

Compliance of Wanting by Silindro

Sesshoumaru and Rin share a moment of wanting with a playful exchange of words leading up to their consummation.  Who needs a reason for a pointless lime fic?

Darkness by Fenikkusuken

OneShot. Darkness cannot hide the truth. Rated M for mature content

Entangled by alterfano

After Naraku, Sesshoumaru rebuilds his father’s dominion. Rin is key to his strategy, but even Sesshoumaru’s maneuvering cannot guess her ultimate role in the entanglements of his plans and his heart. 3rd Place Best Drama IYFG 2Q06. WARNING: Dark Fic.

When Rin was Half Asleep by Calypso Jones

RinSess. Sesshomaru is there to fill the needs in Rin's life even after he has sent her to live with a human family. It's short and more sketchy than story but it's exactly the way I imagined it. Review!

The Secret by Aryndiel

Lord Sesshoumaru's been hiding something, which Rin stumbles upon purely by accident.

Shadowland by Concave Patterns

The darkness brings with it memories both good and bad. Sesshomaru-centric, one shot.

A Warm Day by CatDemonKayo

When the warmth of summer causes Rin discomfort, Sesshomaru decides to show her a cool spring just outside of the palace walls.

How Love Works by Concave Patterns

Through the years, they play a constant game of waiting, leading and following.  Modern-day Sessh x Rin drabble full of citrus and fluff.

Two Sounds by NickeltheRed

Highlighting a situation where Sesshomaru is on edge regarding Rin's current pain filled state, and Jaken is nervous for his life once again if things go wrong. But two certain sounds may be enough to relieve the demon lord of his concern. A companion to Dragonfly Wings.

Have by Miss Momolo

Rin looked around the enthralling clearing as if she were about to say farewells to a long lost friend. "Can't we stay a little while longer, my lord?" "If that's what you wish," Sesshormaru started. "It is," she admitted. A/N: One-shot. Something to shake this writers block. Also trying something different.

Nameless by Miss Momolo

Her lord turns to her, failing to comprehend the meaning behind what she is trying to say. "What is?" She closes her eyes because she finds that it's hard to get the words through without feeling like an immature girl. Maybe she is being immature. She knew herself being red. She whispers "To kiss." Summary: Rin's first kiss One-shot

Just Another Normal Day At The Western Palace by 00Zero

"Ew, mom and dad are at it again," Ryo, a twelve year-old half demon boy made a face to her older sister Sora. "gross." "And how did you know? Did you peek on them again?" Sora brought both her hands to her waist staring her little brother down. 

Ever After by Llanrhydlad

Two ficlets: Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru, adrift in the modern world. [And one omake.]

Introspections by mteagle128

What could they be thinking? A collection of unrelated Sesshoumaru and/or Rin-centric drabbles. Ratings will vary from K-M.

Total manipulation by Didax

No one said having two twin daughters could be that troublesome. They would definitely do their best to try and play with something very precious to Sesshoumaru. Will they be able to convince him?

Not a Word by pushingcrazies

Rin reflects upon her lover's lack of loquaciousness. Whoa, breaking out the big words. Rated for implied sex.

Back to Life by InuColey

In which Rin and Sesshomaru are brought together in an unlikely place. AU. Two-shot.

Halcyon Days by Winterwing3000

Rin reflects on the time spent in the field with her child, a loving memory and Sesshomaru. Mature RinxSesshomaru!

Threads by Maiden of the Moon

Jaken had been given a double headed staff; Ah-Un, a majestic saddle. Convenient tokens. Necessary items. As she slept, he slipped into the blackness of the moonless night, stoically journeying until he found what he sought. [SessRin]

A bit of fun by TrustIssues

Rin is feeling playful and Sesshomaru retaliates. In a cute way.

Torn Kimonos by myravenspirit

Sesshomaru watches as Rin tears apart her old purple and pink kimonos. The twins are complaining that they are too hot, so their mother repurposes her old kimono for them. Very much to the amusement of Sesshomaru as he watches her in their bed. Sesshomaru wants to Rin to stop sewing and lie down with him, will he get his way? One-Shot!

That’s it! Message me if any link is not working. Or if you wanna recommend some more fics, that’s always welcome :D

[birthdaysentiment]

The music in wtFOCK season 3 - Song #40

Vrijdag 21.03 // "In My Mind" - Dynoro & Gigi D'Agostino

For me, this is one of those clips where I remember where I was and what I was doing when it dropped, because it was the last clip of the season, the last clip we got to see through Robbe's eyes. It's always emotional to say goodbye to a season, to a character that you hold every close to your heart, but it felt different with Robbe, because I felt like I had been living his story too. For 10 episodes, 108 clips in total, I had followed Robbe and felt every one of his emotions; I cried, smiles and laughed with him, and even though it was a crazy and wild ride with many ups and downs, I would do it all over again. Those 10 weeks were some of the most intense and emotional weeks of my life, but they were definitely also some of the best ones as well.

It was emotional to see it all come to an end, to see everyone together for one last party, to get one final scene with Robbe and Sander, where they were just enjoying some time together alone. But I think it's normal to get sentimental and emotional when you have to say goodbye to something or someone, who's been a big part of your life, because it makes you reminisce the journey you've been on, it makes you think back to everything you've experienced for the past ten weeks with Robbe and his story. I think wtFOCK did a good job with the last clip, as it's always difficult, but they managed to create a clip, where we got a chance to get one final glimpse of almost all of the characters, who had been a part of this season, and we also got a very sweet scene between Robbe and Sander, almost as a way to wrap up the final clip and message of Robbe's season.

Robbe and Sander are standing next to each other, as Robbe is sending a message to his mama, letting her know that he has a "lief", and Sander just smiles as he reads the message along with him. In that moment the music changes and a new song fills the background, once again providing a beat to the party and the dancing, a beat that has a heavier and deeper base to it, where the melancholy vibes from the previous song is gone, which makes the scene seem more happy and joyful. It's an interesting contrast, like wtFOCK is saying that it's okay to be sad about the season coming to an end, but before it gets there, let's celebrate one last time.

It's a song we've heard before, as it got used in a trailer for wtFOCK before season 1, but there's something about the use of that song as the last one in season 3, which makes the clip more special. Maybe wtFOCK chose it because of its attachment to the show, maybe it just provided the right atmosphere and feelings to the last minute of the season. Or maybe they chose it because it was supposed to tell and show us, how far Robbe has come from the show's beginning to the end of his own season, or maybe I'm just overanalysing again.

Robbe and Sander are standing in front of each other, talking, smiling and teasing like they always do. Sander lets Robbe know that his mom would like to meet him, but he also warns him that it might get awkward, but as Robbe tells him, as long as Sander wears clothes, nothing will ever be awkward. I really like this little part of the scene, because it somehow shows the trust there is between them, that Robbe feels comfortable enough to joke about Sander's naked-walk, and that Sander can just laugh and smile about it, and not take it for more than it is. I think it gives us a good idea of their relationship, that they feel more at peace with each other, so knowing that they're calmer, more comfortable together and more in love than ever, seems like the best way to say goodbye to them in this season. 

They look so in love as they're standing close to each other, holding each other lightly while everyone else is dancing and partying in the background. In that moment, it was just the two of them in their own little bubble, where they were enjoying the touch, feel and presence of each other. They didn't seem to care or pay attention to what was going on around them, because in that moment it was just the two of them.

When they started kissing, once again sharing another passionate and longing kiss, that seemed to take their breath away, I couldn't help but get all emotional, because they're just so in love, they're just so happy to finally be together. And I think it means the world to them, that they can show their love, among friends and family, (even though they might be in a bubble of their own), but for them to know, that they can be themselves, is the most important thing, especially considering they always had to pretend or hide something of themselves in the past. Their journey, both separately and together, towards this moment, has been tough filled with highs and lows, but it's also because of it, that they can be together in this moment, feeling the love all around them.

Robbe breaks the kiss and looks into Sander's eyes as he says: "you know, it might be cliché, but you never know who will be alive tomorrow and who might die. the only thing we know for sure, is…", but before he can finish the sentence, they get pulled out of their little bubble by Jana, who leads them out to the dancefloor. And just as the drop in the song is coming, Robbe says "dat we nu leven". I have always loved the last words of season 3, because it symbolizes so much in terms of Robbe and Sander's relationship, what they have promised each other. They're going to live in the moment, they should not try to think ahead; what will happen tomorrow, or what will happen in the future, because they're alive now, and they should just live it minute by minute.

I think it's such a strong message to end the season with, not only because of the meaning behind it, but also how accurate it is in terms of Robbe's story and the developments he went through. With Robbe's last words, wtFOCK is letting us know how important it is to remember to live in the moment, to enjoy it while it lasts, because you never know what is going to happen in the next minute, tomorrow or in the future. It's important to remember that we're alive now, and how precious that can be, and I think that message connects with Robbe's story so beautifully. How he found peace in his reality by living in the moment, how Robbe discovered the importance of enjoying the moment to its fullest, because he could never know how long it was going to last.

As Robbe is standing in the middle of the room with his arms around Sander, while kissing him passionately, I can't help but think back to the first time we saw Robbe in season 3. How sad and miserable he looked, as he was sitting in the bathtub with Jens and Moyo, smoking weed and drinking alcohol as a way to escape the world around him. Because at that point Robbe was always pretending to be someone else, did everything he could to fit in, but no matter what he did, he always felt left out, like he didn't belong anywhere. But in this clip and moment, as Robbe has his arms around Sander, with his friends all around him, cheering as he kisses Sander, he's in a totally different place, and it makes me so emotional, so proud to see how far he has come. Because in that moment he felt like he belonged in the world, like he finally had found his place in the chaos.

Throughout season 3, Robbe did not only find Sander, someone who loves him deeply, but most importantly, Robbe found himself too. He finally came to peace with the person that he is, with the feelings that was growing inside of him, he began to embrace everything he had been trying to suppress, and during that journey he realized how good life could be, especially if you are true to the person that you are. And Sander played a huge role in that process, because he showed Robbe that he could be living his life in a different way, a way that was much lighter and happier, than the darker and painful version Robbe had turned to. Robbe realized that being himself was the best choice he could make, a choice that brought him so much love and happiness.  

I guess that what I've been trying to show, or point out, with my posts is how much thought there's been put into every single detail of season 3, not only in the more important clips, but also in those scenes, which might not seem too essential. How some things just seem to fit so perfectly together, that I refuse to think of it as a coincidence, and not just me totally overanalysing all of it.

Music plays such a huge part in almost everything it's involved in, and season 3 of wtFOCK is definitely no exception. The soundtrack reflects Robbe's story so perfectly, everything he went through and every emotion he felt during those ten weeks. There are so many songs, that just connected with the scene it was featured in, where it truly felt like everything was connecting on a deeper level, which made the experience much more intense and extraordinary. I know that season 3 would have been a totally different experience without the amazing soundtrack, and for me, that's one of the reasons why I hold Robbe's story so close to my heart, because it was absolutely beautiful and wonderful on every possible level.

[sophfandoms53]

If you don't mind: what's your opinion on Leonardo from tmnt? :3

Absolutely love him.

Leo is actually my second favorite turtle (Mikey being the first, I think that’s been made clear lmao) regardless of the series, whether it’s 2003, 2012 or Rise, Leo has always been a well written and interesting character.

I’ve joked around in the past about how 2012 shoved Leo and his character arc in our faces, but in reality I thoroughly enjoyed Leo’s arc in 2012 and it’s the easiest one to decipher as it’s actually very well written.

I could get into a deeper discussion about how 2012 dealt with Mikey, Raph and Donnie’s arc when compared to Leo’s but that would make this response even longer and I might keep that for another time, however I will briefly summarize that Raph and Donnie’s arcs suffered severely in the main 4 seasons and were basically brushed aside in season 5, minus that one episode Donnie had in the Kavaxas arc, while Mikey’s feeling inadequate to his brothers arc swiftly concluded in different ways after Into Dimension X and The Croaking and the writers started doing different things with him that better suited his character, Meet Mondo Gecko and Bat in The Belfry being big examples. All of season 5 honestly can be summed up with “Mikey is a total boss” because he just owns every single episode in that season even if he isn’t the focus, When Worlds Collide is essentially meant to be a Raph focus episode but the biggest moments in that two parter are whenever Mikey is on screen.

This is where we circle back to Leo and his arc as Mikey even takes attention away from him in the final part of the Kavaxas arc, which is an arc centered around Leo officially coming to terms with his role as the new Sensei and father figure to his family. After the Kavaxas arc, Leo’s character is finished, there’s no where else for him to grow beside minor personality tweaks which was hinted at in the Usagi arc.

In the main four seasons Leo’s arc can be split into two parts, seasons 1-2 has him dealing with the sacrifices and burden that comes with being the leader while seasons 3-4 has him accept his role as the leader and his character becomes about having trust both with himself and with his team as in these two seasons Leo tends to go off alone on a mission instead of talking with his family and it’s something that is handled very well.

One of my favorite episodes in the series is Attack of The MegaShredder specifically because it puts Leo in a place of understanding that his brothers [Mikey in this case] will always be there for him when he needs them the most and this arc comes to nice closed in Broken Foot where he constantly tells Karai that they need his brothers if they want to continue doing what they’re doing.

This type of characterization for Leo happened in the 2003 series as well. Most notably after the battle in the season 3 finale with Shredder that leaves the entire team wounded and Leo with a massive scar on the back of his shell, Leo takes this loss extremely personally and violently to the point he loses his sense of self. He’s angry at himself for losing, for letting his brothers and his Sensei get hurt.

But what 2003 did was not have Leo realize he was angry with himself and made it appear to be he was angry with his brother’s for not getting the job done. Even yelling at them for treating their missions against the foot as a game. This even extends to how Leo trained in season 4, he did to the point he tired himself and his brother’s out because he felt what he and his brother’s knew wasn’t good enough.

In the episode Grudge Match it opens up with Leo aggressively training his brother’s on a rooftop and he only stops his training when Splinter calls him out about it saying they need to discuss his attitude and take on training soon until they notice Mikey has been slacking off training recently. So Leo offers to train Mikey for his upcoming Battle Nexus rematch as Mikey has become incredibly cocky over his win and Leo knowing his brother needs to be taken down a peg, gives us this amazing scene of dialogue between the two,

“I brought you up here to clear your mind, Mikey. Focus on what's important.”

“Like going home?”

“No, like pushing yourself beyond your limits to a place where there are no limits; to be so focused, so ready that nothing and no one will ever catch you off guard again.”

“Um, we still talkin' about me here?”

“In this life, we only have each other. If one of us goes down, we all go down, so focus.”

The subtext is obvious, after the fight with Shredder, this is clearly how Leo takes on other fights in season 4 and why he becomes so frustrated with his brother’s constant dismissal of it. Despite this piece of advice giving Mikey what he needed to win the match fairly, it still doesn’t change the fact this is a very dangerous way to think and Leo being the leader to think this way makes it more glaring on how far Leo has lost himself in this state of self hatred.

Another interesting thing to note is how whenever Donnie and Raph complain about Leo’s attitude, it’s Mikey who comes to his eldest brother’s defense and understands the burden Leo has his shoulders, and this wasn’t done by accident.

It is only after Leo harms Splinter during training does he come to realize how bad this violent attitude of his is affecting everyone around him. Leo is then sent off on a 2 month journey of self-reflection in Japan where Yoshi’s old masters helps him realize that Leo has become his own monster, or as the show does it, he has become his own Shredder.

Leo comes to the realization that he has stop blaming himself for what happened and move forward, he’s been holding onto the past for too long to the point he became a barrel of anger and self-destruction and he had to be the one to fix it. He had to destroy his own demons, himself. And this arc concludes very well.

Now in Rise it’s a little bit difficult to analyze the characters as there isn’t much development, not a bad thing at all, but Rise has gone out of its way to give each of the brother’s depth and it’s very interesting.

Because Rise doesn’t have Leo as the leader one can be mistaken that this Leo wouldn’t have the same struggles or insecurities as his other incarnations but this has proven to be false as Rise Leo still has the same insecurity of his brother’s not respecting him as part of the team or just seeing him as a screwup. Leo has shown he needs a reassurance he’s doing the right thing and that his brother’s look at him in a positive light.

A lot of people have a fundamental misunderstanding of Leo’s role as the leader and just look at it as that instead of realizing how much pressure and stress Leo puts on himself regardless because he wants to be the very best him that he can be.

Lmao this got incredibly long, apologies for ranting.

This was a very long convoluted way of me saying, I love Leo a lot and his character is very very 3-dimensional and needs more appreciation than just “he’s only the leader”.