#and growing up in traumatic situations has made me really fucking good at all of the above

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Not even 24 hours into the poll but I gotta say, I'm not AT ALL surprised that Cabin 7 is winning this thing. I mean, literally every god is queer in the Riordanverse because gender and sexuality is a human thing, not a god thing, but Apollo is like... THE queer god.

Basically what I'm saying is that Cabin 7 is for the gays and so is this website so it's a match made in Olympus.

(Athena as second is also not surprising. We stan smart queens. The Big Three-ers being third does surprise me ngl. Do you guys want a third world war? Because this many Big Three-ers is how we get a third world war guys. The Hunters being fourth surprises me because I didn't know there were that many aces out there? Love that for us.)

Fuck it, we're being cringe, we're going back to the roots of the PJO fandom.

Yes, I did remove Hera as an option. No, you cannot pick Hera. She knows what she did.

[avocado-writing]

pairing: logan howlett x reader x wade wilson

rating: E, minors dni, 18+ (mmf threesome; resolved sexual tension; sex pollen; unprotected p in v sex; oral [f receiving]; double penetration)

words: 6.7k

summary: you, logan and wade are on a stakeout after reports of a new drug which only affects mutants. but what happens when you accidentally get a hit of it yourselves…? (the sex pollen fic from the poll! thank you @eupheme for betaing for me, i owe you my life!)

“I spy with my little eye…”

“Wade, I swear to god…” Logan’s voice is a low rumble, a warning.

“Awww c’mon, peanut! What else do we have to do? Indulge me in my childlike whimsy.”

“Let me guess,” you say, shelling a pistachio before throwing it in the air to catch it on your waiting tongue, “you spy something beginning with R-D, which is the rising damp, which is the fourth goddamn time you spied it because there’s nothing else in this fucking place.”

Wade huffs and throws himself back in his chair. 

“Killjoy,” he mutters, and goes back to carving obscene doodles into the side table with baby knife. 

On the first day you were happy to play along, just to ease the boredom and tension which came hand-in-hand with this arrangement. Now it’s been five of them, stacking on top of each other and getting claustrophobic-heavy, the three of you crowded into each other’s space and on the razor’s edge.

Something is going to break, and you’re worried it’ll be Wade’s nose under Logan’s fist.

What a stupid fucking mission. You should never have said yes.

Ever since the whole Void situation was resolved you, Logan and Wade have been X-Men adjacent. Not part of the group exactly but happy to play along if needed. This most recent assignment had been a request from Piotr - there was something going on downtown to do with trafficking drugs which affected mutants, and someone needed to keep an eye on it. Couldn’t be anyone from the mansion, they’re all hands on deck at the moment keeping an influx of kids in check. But the three of you? With no jobs between you and an urge to do good?

It was a problem with an obvious solution.

It’s a stakeout. Which means sitting and waiting and holy fuck is it boring. 

You can tell something is going on in the alley across the street but you’ve had strict instructions not to take action until you see the guy in charge: thickset man with a penchant for misdeeds and built like a brick shithouse. Once you have proof he’s involved, you’ll get the go-ahead to close in and shut the place down in whatever manner you see fit.

But until he comes in, your little trio has no choice but to stay put, watching petty criminals come and go with no idea they’re being monitored.

Life has revolved around watches from the dingy window. Usually two of you will stay up while one of you tries to get some sleep on one of the uncomfortable twin beds that have been provided, but it isn’t easy to drift off when it feels like the mattresses are made of cinder blocks stuffed with broken glass. It isn’t that you’re unused to being in each others’ spaces - if you’re not at their apartment they’re at yours, after all, you are friends - but this is different. You have the luxury of walking away from each other in normal day-to-day life when things gets too much. Here? Here, you’re stuck until you’re done with the job. You’re all tired, irritated, and desperate for entertainment. You’ve even considered chopping off your own hand to watch it grow back, just for something to do.

And the thing is that’s not the worst of it. Ever since the three of you returned from the Void there’s been something there. Something difficult to pin down, exactly.  A niggling little feeling worming its way through your body. Something which thrums every time Wade flexes the muscles in his hand and you see his long, strong fingers; every time Logan grits his jaw and the tendons in his neck throb. 

Oh, right. You sort of really want to fuck them both.

You don’t go through something that traumatic and not have deep-rooted feelings which surpass normal boundaries. You fought for each others’ lives. You’re bonded in a way people rarely are. And the more time you spend with them the blurrier the lines between platonic and fucking soulmate become. You’ve seen both of them stare at you - and each other - when they think you’re not looking, so you’re sure this isn’t something that only you are harbouring. It’s a secret desire harboured by all three of you.

Like you said, something is gonna break. And in this shitty little surveillance room? It’s gonna break soon.

A movement outside. The three of you sit forward to take a look at the evening’s street view, only to fall back into your chairs as it turns out to be a false alarm. Just a pedestrian walking by. You’re going to go insane.

You drum your fingers on your thighs just to keep them busy, then turn to Logan. 

“You got a smoke?”

He cocks a brow at you.

“You want a cigar?”

“Nothing else to fucking do.”

“Whoa, hey!” says Wade, putting his hand on Logan’s arm as he roots around in his jacket pocket, “No no no, you quit last year! Don’t start up bad habits again unless I’m the one convincing you to, pookie.”

“Wade, c’mon. I’m gonna lose my mind if I don’t have something to do,” you groan. Plus, really, you’d kinda like something to suck on, just to relieve some of the ache in your belly.

As if Wade can hear your thoughts he pipes up again.

“Well if you’re that desperate to use your mouth, I know what we could play to pass the time…”

You and Logan groan in unison, and he balls his fist in a way which suggests it’s not long until the claws come out. Wade holds up his hands to signify peace.

“Whoa, chill out, honeybadger. No need to get scratchy. You don’t have to join in if you don’t want to… but it’s more fun the more people there are.”

Accepting there’s nothing else to pass the time, Logan lets out a long, exhausted sigh and lets Wade continue.

The mercenary licks his lips as if, for once, considering his phrasing. Then blurts out what he wanted to say anyway.

“We could play blowjob roulette.”

It was a foolish time to take a drink of your soda, because you spurt it out your nose. After a moment of mopping yourself up with your sleeve you manage a, “what?!”

“Well, oral roulette I guess, if we’re being PC about it.”

“Oh my god,” Logan groans, getting to his feet and stomping into the tiny excuse for a kitchenette, grabbing a beer and opening it with such gusto that the cap bounces off an adjacent wall.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything! We just spin the bottle and whoever it ends up pointing out deals out a round of Australian kisses for the other players. Relieves the boredom, and it’s fun to see how long everyone lasts.”

Your mouth is open, you’re sure of it. You’re looking at Wade in abject horror. This has got to just be part of his stupid bravado, right? Making an ill-timed joke?

Because the other option is he’s serious.

Logan drinks. You stare. Wade rabbits on.

“I’m just saying we used to play it at Sister Margaret’s all the time, when we were waiting for new marks to come in and didn’t have anything better to do! It wasn’t gay or anything except for, you know, the rampant homoeroticism of slurping everyone’s gherkin.”

“Did you… did you ever have to do it?” you ask, morbid fascination taking over. He scoffs.

“Did I ever have to… pookie, I’ve taken more loads than my building’s washing machine. Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty fucking great at it.”

He’s staring at you with an intensity which makes you feel like you’re on fire, but from embarrassment or enthusiasm you’re not sure. 

“So?” he asks, quietly, putting a hand on your knee. Your body burns. You swallow. You look to Logan. 

He sighs. Finishes his beer, but in a way which suggests he’s giving in. You see the way Logan’s teeth touch his bottom lip. The start of a fricative. 

He’s going to say fine.

Movement out of the window. You bolt up, knocking Wade’s hand away. He deflates.

“Aww. But I really wanted to - ”

“No, guys - look!”

They quickly crowd you, following where you point. A huge man walks into the alleyway, flanked by underlings, the bulk of him taking up the small space.

“There’s our guy,” you say, “let’s go.”

You descend upon the alleyway in a flash of swords and claws. You tug your cowl up over your nose to protect your face, hand on one of your Brügger & Thomet MP9s as the three of you come face-to-face with the door you’ve been monitoring all week.

“So are we going in sneaky style, or—”

Logan rips the door off its hinges, throwing it down the length of the alley; he is desperate to be done with this. You exchange a look with Wade.

“Okiedokie, asked and answered I guess,” he sighs, grabbing his Desert Eagles from his holsters.

You both follow Logan who’s thrown himself into the middle of the lab claws-first. Two-thirds of the people scream and flee, the others stand their guard and grab their guns.

Fingers on triggers, you take a beat to examine the situation.

Equipment everywhere. Beakers and cylinders you can possibly guess the use for, set up on desks and synthesising something nasty. The boss is standing in the middle of the room, eyebrow cocked and mild annoyance plastered on his face. Bingo. You make a beeline for him, taking a couple of bullets in your flank as you go.

“Cover me!” you shout to Wade. He pulls his katana out of a guy’s head and throws you a bloodied thumbs-up.

“Got your back, pookie! Hate to see you leave, love to watch you spill entrails as you go!”

As if he was predicting your next action, you whip your knife out of your belt and stab it in an assailant’s belly, watching his warm guts slide onto the floor. He releases a strangled noise as he drops to his knees - you make a move to continue on your way to the boss only to feel someone pick you up.

“Shit!” you mutter as you’re hoisted into the air. Wade and Logan stop their onslaught to turn at the sound of your panic, their eyes both going wide as they see you restrained. With a twinned shout of your name they come running to help.

Aww, your boys. It’d be cute if you weren’t bracing yourself for the pain.

Your attacker launches you across the room. A couple of seconds go by as you fly through the air - and then into a table full of test tubes and pipettes.

A great cloud rises into the air. A cloud of spores?

Before you can get a chance to properly read the situation, Wade and Logan are at your side. Sturdy hands grasp around your forearms and you’re dragged to your feet. 

Of course, it goes unnoticed…but all three of you take in a deep breath.

“You okay, baby?” rasps Logan. 

“Yeah, I’m f— move!” you scream, shouldering him out of the way so you can sink your knife into the neck of the man about to spray bullets down his spine. As you rip through the soft skin at his throat something occurs to you. 

‘Baby’? Where did that come from?

Not that it isn’t nice, obviously, but… it’s unlike Logan to show that much tenderness ever. Especially with pet names.

Oh well, no time to dwell.

Picking bits of glass from your biceps you tank a punch from a man closing in on your left, parry his next couple of blows, then shoot him in the dick. Wade has called this a ‘low blow’ before which isn’t incorrect but honestly, there’s no time for fighting fair when it’s 3-versus-30. 

The boss has finally gotten involved. A pair of brass knuckles shines against his fist as he swings at Logan, a meaty crack filling the air in a way which you’re worried might actually have dented one of your friend’s ribs. Wade uses the distraction to stab a katana into the guy’s back, then another one a little further up - using him like a goddamn climbing wall. The boss roars like an animal and attempts to swat him off but there’s no use. His massive bulk is working against him, and Wade can be a fast little motherfucker when he wants to be.

Wade lets out a ‘peekaboo!’ as he pops up over the boss’s shoulder, pressing his pistol into the meat of his neck and firing. Blood sprays across the floor but somehow the guy doesn’t stop, not even when Logan picks himself back up and sinks both his claws into his stomach; it only elicits another snarl.

Okay, time to close.

You sheath your guns and go back to your knife, using Logan as a launchpad as you throw yourself off the arch of his back and into the air - stabbing down into the boss’s skull with a dull thunk.

A line of blood dribbles out of his mouth. He starts to fall.

“Uh oh - call me Ke$ha, because I’m yelling timber!” Wade warns. With a snarl Logan rips his claws free from muscle, snatching you off of the boss’s corpse as he stumbles forward under his own weight. Pulling you free you both lose your footing, and you crash down onto your friend.

You look at Logan.

He looks at you. 

Suddenly, his hands clasp around your hips. Probably you move you off of him…

And then you’re on fire. 

Like gasoline has made a line from his touch to your cunt, everything in you is set ablaze. Your pussy clenches and you’ve never felt so empty before - or at least not so aware of it.

There is a cock-shaped hole and it’s begging to be filled.

You expect Logan to freak out, you’re freaking out - you never thought you had a murder kink but you guess you’re never too old to find out something new about yourself - but he doesn’t.

Instead you just see him furrow his brow as if processing something; then acknowledge the press of his hardening cock rub against your thigh as he bucks up into you.

Oh no. Something is wrong.

When you feel Wade grab your shoulder and haul you back to your feet it’s the same, that delicious burning sensation rocketing through you… and from the way he moans as soon as his hands are on you, the feeling is mutual. 

“Fuck. Fuck,” he breathes. Yeah. You want to, that’s the issue.

You stagger away from him with wide eyes and electric skin, a beat passing between the three of you as the people left in the lab decide to give up the fight now their boss is toast. Hearts racing, hands wanting to reach out and touch.

Logan is the one to break the silence.

“We should call in and let the others know we’re done,” he manages. You nod.

“Yeah. Can we… can we go back across the street? I don’t feel so good.”

“Oh, don’t you go Spider-Man Infinity War Part 1 on me,” Wade chuckles. You don’t have the energy to work out what he’s referencing, especially when a jolt goes through your body to your cunt when you feel his eyes meet yours. 

Damn. This is bad. 

“Yeah. Of course, honey,” Logan manages. He goes to put his hand on the small of your back and then thinks better of it, though you can feel its nearness like a magnetic pull. You almost moan when he retracts his touch instead. Wade whips his phone out and fires off a message to let someone know a cleanup crew is needed as you stagger out of the alleyway and back across the street. 

You didn’t bother closing the door when you ran out, too desperate to monopolise on the chance of getting your mark. The three of you tumble back into the room you’d been dying to get out of just a scant few minutes ago, relieved to be in the privacy of its confines again.

A moment passes as all three of you adjust to the feeling coursing through your bodies.

“What’s happening?” you breathe, bracing your hands on the back of your go-to wooden chair and breaking it with the force of your grip. You wince at the sound of splintering, blood dripping down your palms before you feel it heal over.

“I’ve not felt like this since I first discovered how easy it was to masturbate to Good Housekeeping,” Wade groans, whipping off his mask as he flops down onto the battered-up-couch. Logan has made his way to the fridge again, practically ripping its door off to get to a beer which he downs in one swig. Fuck. It’s so sexy. You want to lick the muscles in his neck.

“It’s a pollen,” he states, voice rocky in a way which goes straight to the burning pit of your stomach. You and Wade exchange a look and then turn to him, waiting for further explanation. “Only has a reaction in mutants. Charles said it was something about putting the id into overdrive, like a fuckin’ adrenaline shot to the libido.”

“It… it makes you aroused?” you manage, attempting not to rock your cunt into the palm of your hand. Logan grunts.

“Was trying to be more tactful, but yeah, honey. That’s the idea.”

Honey. The pet name once again goes down your spine.

“Fucking sorry,” says Wade, “someone was manufacturing this stuff as a drug for what? To make mutants too horny to fight?”

Logan shrugs, still not tearing his gaze from his empty bottle, as if to agree it’s his best guess. Wade’s head falls back against the sofa’s arm.

“I mean, damn, they could have just shown me any frame from Magic Mike XXL and it would have had the same result. Seems like a lot of effort.”

Something about the way Logan talks sticks out to you, you circle back around to it. 

“Logan, you seem to know a lot about this stuff… have you encountered it before?”

Another beer grabbed and chugged down, the forward hunch in his shoulders physical evidence of his walls raising. 

“Once. Back in the day with the other X-Men.”

“How did you get through it? Does it go away?”

Logan doesn’t reply. Drinks.

The unspoken answer sinks in.

“Oh my god, you had to fuck it out, didn’t you?” gasps Wade. Logan doesn’t even growl. Jesus Christ he’s right. “Who was it? Storm? Beast? By the love of all things 100k+ enemies-to-lovers-slowburn, tell me it was Cyclops.”

Logan doesn’t dignify him with an answer, instead putting the empty bottle down with enough force you’re surprised it doesn’t shatter.

“It’ll pass. I just need to sit it out,” he reasons, the grit in his jaw suggesting this isn’t the optimal solution. You feel your eyebrows tug together, a crease of concern settling between them.

“But…”

“I’ll be fine.” The way he says it, he’s trying to convince himself more than anyone. With the room in the air practically throbbing he heads to the bedroom, leaving you and Wade alone.

Holy shit. You and Wade are alone.

Your eyes wander over to him, to find his gaze is already resting heavy on you. Your skin lights up.

“So, uh,” he starts, shifting himself awkwardly where his hard-on is trapped in his suit, “you read any good books lately?”

That does help to alleviate the tension and you find yourself chuckling, only for the relief to be ablated when your empty pussy pulses. You whine.

“Wade…”

As soon as you say his name he’s rushing over to you, helping you sit down on the ruined chair. You both moan as hot skin slides against hot skin. 

“Look, it isn’t…” you groan as you slide your hand up his bicep. Fuck, he’s strong. “...it isn’t a crazy idea to help each other out, right? We’re friends. It’s just two friends giving each other a hand…”

Wade dips down to run the bridge of nose along the line of your jaw, letting his lips drop to the pulse in your neck.

“Just friends…” he mutters. You buck up into nothing. Oh, god. You’re going to die here. “Baby?”

Oh shit, oh fuck. You want him to call you that over and over again, stamp it into your fucking mind.

“Yeah?” you reply, the word ripped rawly from your throat.

“I wanted to do this before we even left this goddamn apartment, you think I might have changed my mind after the mutant viagra?”

He pulls back just enough for you to see the seriousness on his face. No, he’s not joking, not saying something dirty just because he thinks it’s funny. 

He’s saying it because it’s true, and it’s both thrilling and terrifying. 

“Can I?”

Oh, it’s so tempting to say yes yes yes… but the more tempting thing is to tease him. Just a little.

You hook your leg over his shoulder and he groans as you dig your heel into the muscle of his back. He groans loud and long.

“Wade?”

“Mmm?”

“Ask me properly.”

His breath hitches in his throat, and you’re pretty sure he’s making a mess in his suit.

“Fuck, can I eat you out, baby? Please?”

You nod so fast you fear you’ll break your neck.

Wade lifts you like you weigh fucking nothing at all, strong arms scooping you up and bringing you to the couch - desperate for more space. His hands move quick and roughly as he goes to the pants on your suit, so wracked with need his fingers shake just from the promise of getting to touch you properly. You help him as much as you can, toeing off your boots and helping him tug your underwear off along with your waistband. His eyes widen as he realises your panties are in his hands. He takes a moment to run his thumb over the cotton of them and he fucking moans. Oh, god damn it, you’re going to be fucking ruined.

“Fuck. Never seen a pussy look this good,” he breathes as he finds himself face-to-face with your dripping cunt. You’re already so wet that it’s embarrassing and, while it would be easy enough to blame on the pollen, you know that you’ve wanted this for months. When he drags his tongue up your puffy, desperate folds, you pretty much combust.

“Oh shit,” you groan, wrapping your other leg round his face to hold him flush against you - not that Wade needs any convincing though, because you’ve never seen a man so desperate to fuck you with his mouth before. He buries himself in you, scarred hands reaching up to dig into the soft skin of your thighs and keep you steady. He wants you at his own pace, it seems, and is strong enough to make it happen. Fuck, you are not complaining.

Wade’s eyes flit upwards to see how you’re reacting as he moves his whole face side to side to bury himself into your cunt deeper. It’s like he’s trying to find where your scent is the strongest and, honestly? With what you’ve heard about this pollen stuff? Seems right on track. He has no hair for you to bury your fingers in so instead you press your hand to the top of his head and pull him closer, because god knows you don’t have the ability to vocalise it. You sink your fingernails in so he knows, though.

Holy hell you’ve never felt so good. The pollen is heightening everything, each movement he makes into you shooting shockwaves through your nerves. Wade’s tongue is insistent in exploring every inch of you, pressing bluntly into your clit; lapping at the wetness seeping from you like he’ll die if he can’t taste what he’s doing to you; dragging down to your ass and toying with you there, too. Yes, fuck, anything he goddamn wants. When his teeth skim the needy folds of your cunt you jackknife into his mouth, almost breaking them clean out of his gums.

“Holy shit, babe. What’s gotten into you?” he chuckles, pupils so blown wide with lust that his eyes are eclipsed with black. You chase after him with your hips.

“Not you, and that’s the problem,” you harrumph. He grins and you see how covered with your slick he is and fuck you are going to die here. 

“I’ll take care of you. That’s what friends do, right?” he asks, putting emphasis on the word you’re both masquerading behind. When you reach out with a searching hand he threads his finger through yours wordlessly, using the other to grab a pillow so he has something to fuck up against. You feel a tiny bit bad for not offering to help but you know he’ll get his in time - in fact just thinking about sucking his cock your mouth begins to water.

He presses his palm into yours as he goes back to your cunt with his mouth. It takes only moments for him to start up his desperate pace again, tongue sinfully sweet, and you’re chasing and chasing…

Stars explode in your vision and in your blood. The noise you let out is feral, a euphony of pleasure and you don’t care who hears. Wade’s eyes drift close as he tastes your orgasm directly at his lips, drinking you down. You’re certain his hips stutter as he comes just from getting you off. Oh god it’s so hot.

Oh god, you’re not done.

Wade surges up your body and kisses you ferociously, you moan at the taste of yourself he gives back. 

“Fuck, yes, do you taste that, baby? What did I do to you? Holy fuck you are the hottest thing I’ve ever seen…”

“Wade, I need you.”

“Yeah, fuck, okay. Let me get this stupid sexy suit off…”

Hands begin to fumble messily, needily at each other’s zippers in order to strip. You sit up to get a better handle on him—

And freeze when you see you have an audience.

Wade follows your gaze to where Logan is standing in the bedroom doorway. He’s managed to get his suit off and change back into his jeans, though you can’t imagine he’ll want to stay in them for long the way his trapped cock is staining dark blue denim even darker. He’s gripping the doorframe with such force that his claws have popped out, eyes a matching pitch black to Wade’s, chest heaving as he watches the show.

“You okay, honey badger?” Wade drawls, a cocky smile dragging across him. Logan grunts. Swallows hard. You go for a softer tactic.

“Logan, sweetheart, you wanna join in?” your voice is husky as you ask, oh so inviting. Logan squeezes his eyes shut and his fist tight, taking a chunk out of the wall.

“Get into the goddamn bedroom, both of you,” he growls. The two of you absolutely do not need to be told twice. Partially undressed you vault over the back of the dishevelled sofa, letting Logan lead the way. As soon as you’re within arms’ reach he snags you around the waist and pulls you in for a kiss.

Logan kisses like he wants to devour you. Rough, commanding, dragging his tongue into your mouth as if trying to claim you. Oh, you’ll let him a hundred times over. You mewl when his hand reaches down you cup your still dripping pussy, immediately swiping a thumb against your clit. It pulses as if Wade didn’t just pull an orgasm out of you.

“Fuckin’ needy little thing,” he snarls, delighted. You reach down to grab the bulge he’s rocking, squeezing hard enough to get him to groan.

“Look who’s talking,” you chuckle. He taps at the top of your suit, an instruction. 

“Off,” he says, but that’s as much as he gets to say, because Wade grabs him by the beard and steers him in for a kiss. You pause for just a second to see what will happen but clearly you needn’t have worried - Logan moans into your friend’s mouth, grabbing a handful of Wade’s pretty decent ass and digging in his fingers. While they’re busy you finish stripping, going for the zipper on the back of the red suit and pulling it down. It’s such a goddamn stupid design having it at the back like a goddamn prom dress - but at the moment you’re kinda thankful for it because it means you get to kiss along the revealed plain of skin. Wade has such beautiful fucking back muscles, you’ve stared at them for long enough to memorise every damned one.

He steps out of the suit when you get to his feet - yeah, he did come just from eating you out earlier and holy fuck are you proud - and lets out a strangled noise when you bite the meat of his asscheek hard enough to leave a mark.

“Fuck, are you gonna rim me? Because if so I’m a thousand percent down,” he chokes, pulling away from Logan’s mouth and leaving a string of spit between them, evidence of a messy kiss. You shrug.

“You want me to, baby?”

Wade seems to have a crisis of faith as he considers this, letting Logan nibble down the length of his neck; eventually he shakes his head though.

“No, I wanna be inside you, like, yesterday,” he confesses. 

“I’ve got enough room for two,” you state, so absolutely sure the pollen will accommodate that you don’t even need to think about it. Both Wade and Logan suck in a breath at that idea.

“Fuck, baby, aren’t you just perfect,” Logan drawls, grabbing you by the hips as you stand up and pulling you to the pathetic twin bed this apartment was provided with. Not how you wanted this first time to go down but hey, at least it’s going down at all. No longer just a dirty fantasy you bury your fingers into your cunt imagining but a real bonafide liaison (boner-fide liaison, Wade’s voice in your head pipes up).

You paw at his jeans, desperate to have all three of you naked and ready. There’s nothing to hide between you any more. Any boundaries have been not only crossed but decimated, absolutely destroyed beyond repair, and you couldn’t be happier. When his cock falls heavy into your palm you can’t help but suck air in through your teeth at its sheer size. Logan chuckles, gravelly and tempting.

“Oh it’ll fit, baby,” he coos, as if reading your mind. Fuck. Yep, it will. There’s no two ways about it. You’re having both Wade and Logan inside you if it kills you.

He wraps you in his arms before you can have any more thoughts on the matter and pulls you down onto the mattress with him, the pollen in your veins making you feel every touch like the end of a live wire - yet you keep coming back to get shocked. Logan positions himself under you, chest-to-chest, grinning at the way your nipples rub against the coarse and gorgeous hair of his chest. There’s a slapping noise and you realise it’s Wade’s hand on Logan’s thigh, encouraging him to move up the bed.

“Big boy, you know you have to scoot up if this is happening. I’m all for fucking the same pussy together but you have to be realistic…”

Obscured by your body, only you get to see the way Logan rolls his eyes fondly at Wade’s blabbering. He manouveurs you both to allow Wade room to kneel on the mattress behind you and you gasp at the feeling of their cocks bullying at your entrance.

“Oh my god,” you gasp, body on fire and desperate to be extinguished by them. Logan hums in your ear.

“I know, baby, I know. We’ll take care of you.”

“And each other. I got sex-pollened too, old man,” Wade harrumphs, rubbing his head against the slick lips of your cunt. 

“Nobody’s forgetting you, princess,” he murmurs, “now be good and put me inside.”

Logan probably misses the soft hiss Wade lets out at that, but you feel the way the mercenary’s hand wraps around his cock and presses Logan to your empty cunt. You moan in pleasure as he follows the path Wade has laid out and pushes himself inside of you, no resistance given. It takes you only a couple of seconds to adjust to the pure size of him. Holy shit, if this were any other time you’d be falling apart by now, but the way your body pumps with desperation suggests one dick alone isn’t going to be enough.

“You okay?” Logan rumbles by your ear. You cling onto him for dear life, nodding.

“Yeah. Fuck, Wade, I know you’ll fit, you’ve gotta fuck me too.”

Wade doesn’t even have an answer for that. Instead you feel his thumb tug at your lips, stretching you for him - or just watching the way Logan fills you, getting off on the filthy way you’re plugged. Another cock begins to press at your already stuffed hole and you whine.

“S’okay, I gotcha,” Logan says through gritted teeth as he feels Wade’s length slide along his own, the feeling almost overwhelming for him. You drop your head to his shoulder and choke on your own spit as Wade forces himself inside of you. Your cunt feels like it is about to burst into flames in the most satisfying way possible, flowering open between them both.

“Fuck, never felt anything so goddamn tight in my life…” Wade manages. Eventually he bottoms out alongside Logan, both of them sitting snugly inside of you, sharing you, clutched in your warmth. 

“There we go,” Logan growls. “You okay, baby?”

Not knowing if the question is aimed at you or Wade you both whine a yes. Logan laughs and you feel his chest move beneath you, all muscle and heat.

“I’m gonna move now.”

He drags himself out of you, inch by glorious inch, like a match striking against a box and sparking an ember. A deep ragged breath shudders through you at the feeling of it but it is nothing compared to how he slams back inside. Lights flood your periphery. You are going to fucking die between these two men and that is fine. Heaven, even.

Once Wade feels Logan’s rhythm it is too much of a competition for him not to match it. The mercenary’s arms fall either side of your bodies to support himself as he works himself in and out of you, sliding deep as Logan retreats to the tip. Your cunt makes a lewd noise as they piston inside of you and you have never cared about anything less in your life. You are bathed in light, high off this, euphoric over being fucked. A tiny rivulet of drool falls from the edge of your mouth into Logan’s chest hair and he curses at the glorious rawness of it all.

Above you, Wade has finally found his voice again.

“Look at you taking us so well. Oh, fuck, goddamn. I’ve wanted you like this for so long. Remember when we were neighbours, honey? Those guys who you used to bring home… fuck, baby… I used to give myself the old low-five to the sound of you getting fucked…”

You make a pathetic little noise which spurs him onwards. Wade’s mouth drops to your ear.

“...and I used to get angry because I knew I could do it better myself.”

“Oh my god Wade…” you whisper. Tears are beginning to pool in your eyes at the way you’re starting to get overstimulated, two cocks hitting that sweet spot inside you verges on being too much. Were the pollen not still in full force you’re sure you’d need to tap out.

“And you?” Wade’s hand grips Logan’s bicep, squeezing appreciatively. “Do you know what it’s like to wake up every morning and see you shirtless on my couch, and not be able to fuck you? You do it on purpose, peanut, I swear…”

Logan chuckles again, that deep honey-rich sound eked out in magnitudes. 

“And what if I do, Red?”

Wade pauses in his thrusting, you don’t have to see him to know that his eyes are wide.

“Wait, what? For real?”

“Wade!” you whine, reaching over to slap at his arm, annoyed that he’s stopped moving. “Can we all just agree we’ve gotten off to the thought of each other and we’d have fucked eventually anyway?”

The men either side of you seem to think it’s a good compromise to come to and redouble their efforts. All you can do is to cling onto whatever muscles you’re able to find and ride the wave of pleasure. Fireworks go off in your synapses, brain a messy goo of euphoria, cunt fucked out and thoroughly taken care of. 

They speed up, thrusts getting messy and arrhythmic and yet still somehow matching, and you know that they’re going to come together. What a fucking treat, how divine, oh god. Logan’s hands sink into your ass to keep you anchored as his cock goes faster, skin slapping on skin as his sac moves against Wade’s - causing the merc to let out a string of curses - and you’re suddenly flooded with his warm, sticky cum pumping inside you in jets. Wade whines at the feeling of himself being doused and follows Logan’s lead. The filthy cocktail of them drips around both their lengths and out of your hole, falling onto the pathetic mattress below. One last little nudge of the hips is all it takes to push you over the edge again. Your next orgasm is dragged out of you… but you know your body will demand more.

For now, though, respite. The urge to reach that peak again immediately has at least settled for the moment.

“Holy fuck,” you sigh. Logan hums an affirmative note, fingers playing with the small of your back as Wade peppers kisses across your shoulderblades.

“We should go on stakeouts more often, if this is the nice little bow everything gets tied up in,” Wade sighs, dreamily. You nod against Logan’s chest. His hair rubs your cheek deliciously. Your pussy throbs again, reminding you this dirty escapade needs to continue soon. “So what does this mean? Are we a little mutant charcuterie now?”

Your brow furrows as you try to parse what Wade has just said.

“Oh. Wade, baby, do you mean ‘coterie’?”

Logan bursts out laughing, a noise you’ve never properly heard before, and it has you grinning - and Wade, too, even though he grumbles a little at being corrected. Their cocks jostle inside you and you feel them getting hard again and, as you prepare yourself for round two, it’s nice to know that whatever the three of you face at the end of this will be happy.

Three days later, you’re laid across the couch, head in Wade’s lap and legs in Logan’s, all tangled together as you get the single worst telling-off of your life.

“Non-lethal mission, Wade! How many times did I have to tell you, it was meant to be non-lethal!” Piotr shouts down the line. Wade grimaces.

“Look, there were other things we had to sort out first, okay? We kinda forgot about the no-killing part. Besides the guy can’t traffic drugs if he’s dead,” he confesses. You can picture Piotr’s disappointed face.

“Other things!? WHAT other things, Wade?!”

“Okay so there was this horny pollen, and we all had to—”

Logan grabs Wade’s phone and hurls it across the room. It shatters into pieces against the wall. Wade gawps.

“Hey! That was new! Well, okay, not new, but it wasn’t cracked. Well, it was cracked, but it had all my best dick pics on there!”

“You can take new ones,” Logan states. 

You smile. Yeah. The charcuterie is nice.

[ishomieokay]

Ok, so I just made a post about Homelander having the most tragic backstory in The Boys so I want to expand a bit on that (although literally no one asked, lmao).

Look, this isn't even about Homelander having the saddest backstory ever. Being turned into a guinea pig in order to create a super weapon is literally a cliché in superhero fiction.

The difference, methinks, is that the only character in his verse with an equally horrific origin story is Soldier Boy. But, take into account: Soldier is 1) another irredeemable villain, and 2) we're basically told he ended up in that situation because he was the most violent, petty, sexist, homophobic, fucked-up man who ever lived. Homelander was litterally just... born in the lab.

For some context, look at this guy:

Magneto has one of the saddest backstories in superhero fiction. And I'm not exaggerating here. My man literally grew up in Auschwitz. But his backstory works in a way that Homelander's doesn't because we ARE supposed to sympathize with Erik. We are supposed to understand the motivations behind his actions, even if we don't condemn them. There's also many other characters in the X-Men's universe who have gone through similar ordeals, because humans being awful and ostracizing others for being different is like, A Main Theme of the comics.

Meanwhile, Homelander's backstory seems to just be an excuse for him to be insane, scary and disturbing. The show never frames it as a reason to sympathize with him. Now, don't get me wrong. I'll be the first one to admit that Homelander's fucked up psychology allows for some pretty metal scenes, and I do enjoy them. But the fact that we're just meant to laugh at that while never really contemplating the implications of what happened to him is bafling to me.

Hey, look at that guy, he was deeply traumatized from a young age, and growing up, he was neither socialized nor given the basic tools a child needs to develop a personality or form basic human connections. Now he's super disturbed, has weird kinks and doesn't really understand how to be a human. Haha, hilarious!

What makes it even worse is that the main characters, who we are supposed to be rooting for, have stories that are for the most part unsympathetic or make no sense.

The backstory of Hughie, our main guy, is that his girlfriend died. We're off to a bad start because we hate the Dead Girlfriend Trope here. He's banging a new chick like, a week later (?) and then rarely thinks about Robin again.

We have Frenchie, a guys who kills people and it makes him sad (?), but he never really stops.

Annie and M.M. have sympathetic stories with good motivations, but they are not really expanded upon. At times, it really feels like Annie is just there to have Relationship Problems with Hughie. Which, you know, doesn't make any fucking sense because she's the face of the nation-wide political movement that opposes Homelander. By all accounts, SHE should be Homelander's nemesis, not Butcher. And instead we get a rivalry with Firecracker? Seriously?

In the first seasons, M.M was literally just There. Then, we get his backstory with Soldier Boy, but for some reason his generic Divorced Dad arc is a priority over that. Great.

With Maeve we had the potential of an amazing backstory, but again, it's not really expanded upon. It's implied that she had a dysfunctional relationship with Homelander, but we don't really know what happened. Was it consensual? Was it entirely coerced? Was it abusive? If it was, what did he do to her? How did she manage to break up with him without getting killed in the process? Like, we're missing so much context with Maeve, it's not even funny.

Then, we have A-Train, who starts off on a path to redeem himself inspired by the death of his girlfriend, whom he killed himself (?). Then he realizes that Homelander Must Be Stopped because he makes fatphobic comments (?????). He gets his brother paralyzed and kills a guy to take revenge (still unsure if that was supposed to be a heroic act, tbh). And then finally he earns his redemption by taking a guy to the hospital (?????????) and that's enough for Hughie to forgive him for KILLING HIS GIRLFRIEND. Bitch, what?? It's the worst redemption arc I've ever seen and people are literally comparing it to Zuko's. Get my man out of your mouth!!!

And finally, Butcher, a guy whose entire story and motivations are based on something that happened to someone else. Why did we ever make Becca's rape about him??? And THEN it just turns into the typical Dead Girlfriend Trope. I mean, S3 was the only time when his character arc made any sense to me because it was actually dealing with interesting themes like cycles of abuse and bad parenting, but his story in other seasons is really not It.

Literally, the only exception to all of this is Kimiko. Who is also violent and unstable, who also can't stop killing and is unapologetic about it because she is what they made her. But for some reason we're supposed to sympathize her but not with Homelander. Weird take, but ok.

Just to clarify, I'm not saying that you need to sympathize with the Nazi rapist. I'm just calling out the writers for being bad, lmao.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

What does Zuko do for Mai? She clearly puts a lot of effort into the relationship but he doesn't.

He had a lot of growing up to do before he could be in a relationship with ANY girl. Mai came through for him but he never did for her. It makes sense that he originally didn't have a love interest.

...You come into MY HOUSE to talk shit about MY BOY? And about MY SHIP? Anon, grab a sword, we're gonna fight!

Okay now, jokes aside, while Zuko has some maturing to do, so does Mai. And they'd still make mistakes even if their family lives hadn't deeply traumatized them because they're teenagers. Lots of the mistakes they've made (jealousy, poor communication, one accidentally being too aloof, etc) are stuff perfectly healthy and mature adults still make because surprise surprise, figuring out how to make things work with someone is hard, and considering their traumas and the situation they were in, they could have done A LOT worse.

Nothing either of them has done crosses the line into "Behavior that indicates this person should not be in a romantic relationship with ANYONE, at least for now." It's typical relationship stuff that either results on a permanent break-up or a temporary falling out that pushes both to get their shit together and be better for each other.

Not to mention, the root of all of Zuko's issues was the fact that he was abuse victim who was struggling to cope with his abuser being not only his own father but the absolute monarch of their nation. He got used to not being able to trust that someone's affection for him was genuine, to fear that it could suddenly be stolen away.

That he couldn't rely on anyone else because THE person that was supposed to take care of him betrayed him in such a cruel way and got away with it. That feeling entitled to things and then using whatever means to obtain it was the ONLY way to not be neglected, ignored and taken advantage of.

His abuser is gone now, but no matter how much therapy (or at least the ATLA equivalent of it) he gets, Zuko will only learn how to have healthy relationship through practical means because it's REALLY easy to be a good partner in THEORY, but things always get messy when you're dealing with the real thing.

Reality is very different from hypothetical scenarios in which you're dealing with the idea of a partner that never misunderstands you, never says things in a way that didn't realize weren't clear enough for you, never loses their temper, never takes things to heart, never fucks up, never needs a bit of space when you fuck up, never is as in the dark as you are about how to handle an unexpected issue, never gets too needy, never gets too distant - never acts like a human being.

Zuko still makes mistakes when it comes to his uncle and his friends, but no one says "That means Zuko should not have a father figure nor friends" because we saw that being alone Gives Him Very Bad Ideas. Why should romance be any different? A relative or a friend can hurt you just as much as a romantic partner can, and be just as hurt by stuff you do. It makes no sense to act like a flawed person is allowed to want a family and friends, but not a committed relationship.

As to what Mai gets out of this:

1 - Zuko loves her for who she is and canonically likes it when she expresses herself, even when what she is expressing is "Zuko, I'm done with your bullshit". For someone who has been neglected and taught over and over that her opinions don't matter, that means a lot.

2 - When Zuko changed sides, he didn't try to guilt her into leaving with him, and didn't hold it against her when it looked like she was gonna remain loyal to Azula. Compare that to her parents not giving a shit that she didn't want to move to Omashu, or to her knowing there was a possibility of her getting killed by Azula if she displeased her, and tell me in which relationship Mai feels she has the most agency.

Zuko is not a perfect boyfriend, but the simple fact that Mai isn't even slightly afraid to talk back to him when he goes too far speaks volumes on who she feels safer with and trusts to never try to coerce her into staying if she ever decides to leave.

3 - Mai and Zuko enjoy each other's company, are attracted to each other and he is as openly affectionate with her as she is with him. Even the sea-shell she didn't like and the ice-cream he accidentally dropped on her lap were just him trying to spoil her a bit - and he managed to do it in a way she'd appreciate in Nightmares and Daydreams.

He can be a jerk sometimes due to his anger issues (something he canonically was working on and wanted to move past), but he could also be a genuinely caring boyfriend.

4 - Zuko was also neglected and made to feel worthless for most of his life. They can relate to each other.

5 - Three years into his banishment, after no seeing her for a long time and unsure if he'd ever even hear from her again, he still thought of how Azula pulled a prank on them because of Mai's crush on him.

He constantly sought her out for comfort when he was back in the Fire Nation, even when she didn't really know how to handle that yet. Out of all the things he had left behind when he joined the Gaang, she was the one he openly said he'd miss. He was overjoyed when they were reunited in the finale.

Even his not at all healthy levels of jealousy are extra proof that he isn't just putting up with her like her family, he cares about her and actively WANTS her in his life, to the point of being scared that someone could "steal" her from him - and again, Mai feels more than comfortable enough to call him out when he goes too far, so it never crosses the line into "He means well, so lets excuse the bad behavior."

Mai feels wanted, safe and understood. Girl could do a lot worse.

[halfagone]

Hi, Halfa!

What are your thoughts on the Corpse AU? And how would Danny's friends or the Batfam, if he was adopted, react to that?

Hi, Anony!! :D

Corpse AUs are so fascinating to me; I don't know if I'd ever be able to write one but I love to read them. @five-rivers' (Marsalias) Exhumed series is one of my favorites. The quiet horror that can so easily grow into a huge, messy reveal itches a very niche part of my brain.

WARNING: FROM THIS POINT FORWARD WE WILL BE DISCUSSING MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH (Danny's), CORPSES, AND BODY HORROR FREQUENTLY. IF THIS BOTHERS YOU, PLEASE KEEP SCROLLING.

Marsalias' version of the Corpse AU has it where Danny only shed one body, the one he lost in the portal. But I've seen other versions where, with every transformation, he sheds a body and then grows another when he transforms back. Which means that Danny frequently needs to hide his corpses in the woods or around town.

Obviously that shoots up the chance of an identity reveal, which- if that's not the point of your fic- can make things complicated. If you included Wes into this world as well that further antagonizes his character because that implies he's essentially watched Danny die and he still thinks it's a good idea to prove Danny is Phantom??? But that's a whole other story.

I'll likely never do a full-blown Corpse AU but I will admit that there is some canon proof that it's a possible thing. In "Splitting Images" we see Sidney Poindexter taking over Danny's body; it's played off as overshadowing but since Danny loses control of his body that directly implies that he and his body are not attached, so to speak.

I enjoy the Astral Projection concept that kinda goes along with that idea, but that's a story for another day.

At the same time, my favorite part of this AU is how it showcases Danny's regenerative abilities. I've made a random mention of it in my fic- Gold, Mine- that Danny can grow himself another 'meat suit'. Or, so long as he has his core, he can recreate flesh and bone. It also means that Danny's halfa status isn't at all dependent on having a living body... because he'll just make himself another one. That does mean that Danny will likely never 'completely die' and come back as a full-ghost. He is quite literally stuck as a halfa forever.

A Corpse AU would probably make the Accident a thousand times more traumatic for Tucker and Sam because they practically relive Danny's death every time he transforms. They have physical evidence of his death and they probably are busy hiding his body while he goes off to fight the ghost of the week. If this is a scenario where he can go back into his body afterwards, then that's probably much easier on their sanity. But if this is a situation where he doesn't... this is why things go badly very fast lol

As for the Batfam... I think it would fuck a good number of them up considering how many members they've lost and gotten back. Even just for Jason they probably have this reoccurring fear that he's going to go one day and not come back and be gone for good and that does things to a person. And then here you have Danny who essentially sheds a body and then possessing it when his soul is done astral projecting, and sometimes you have to wonder... "what happens if he can't come back this time?"

I can see many people begging Danny not to transform into Phantom. Not because his ghostly side scares them but they don't want to lose him. But even as a ghost they won't really lose him, right?

...Right?

Trauma Central, folks.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Pale Green Things (The Mountain Goats)

You parked behind the paddock/Cracking asphalt underfoot/Coming up through the cracks/Pale green things/Pale green things

"The culmination of an album about songwriter John Darnielle's traumatic adolescence, "Pale Green Things" describes one of the few happy memories he has of his abusive stepfather and then, years later, his reaction to his stepfather's death, when he thinks back on that same memory. While previous songs on the album that touched on his stepfather's abuse were overtly angry or defiant, "Pale Green Things" is subdued and contemplative. It leaves a lot of things unsaid, instead allowing the narrator's feelings to be implied through his descriptions of the two scenes. There is no direct depiction of abuse, instead focusing on a moment of tentative hope and peace, a moment made simultaneously more painful and more precious by the revelation that it was a rare and temporary reprieve. The focus of "Pale Green Things" is not the pain caused directly by instances of abuse, but rather the absence of a positive relationship, and the complicated feelings that come from the glimpses of what that better relationship could have been like. Although finally free of his abuser, the narrator will continue to live with the pain his abuser caused him. But, he isn't trapped in that pain anymore, and he can also remember the good times they spent together, however rare and fleeting they were. The titular "pale green things" can only grow in the cracks of the asphalt parking lot, but their presence proves that the asphalt couldn't kill them all completely. As someone who has a complex and sometimes painful relationship with their own parents, "Pale Green Things" hits hard. I think for anyone who's been in a similar situation, of trying to sort through their feelings toward someone who hurt them badly but wasn't "all bad", it's a very powerful song. Even without knowing the context of the rest of the album, or of how the song related to the songwriter's real life, listening to it for the first time felt like getting hit by a truck. 10/10"

Divine Beast Vah Medoh (Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

"IDK if you've played BOTW, so I'm going to start from the beginning. I'm not the best at explaining tho, so bear with me please. Sorry its a bit long! OK to start, this is a dungeon theme. The dungeon is Divine Beast Vah Medoh, which is (was) piloted by the Rito (a race of bird people) champion Revali. Now, Revali is a bit of, what we call in the industry, an asshole. He's super jealous of Link (MC, who has a lot of trauma from being expected to BE the best so i find this ironic) and ridiculously arrogant. Once the main bad guy strikes, he rushes to his divine beast to he can help Link (which he's. not really *thrilled* about, because he wants to be the one to take down the big bad.). However, the big bad had a plan to counteract this, and poisoned the divine beasts with malice, his own special kinda evil goop. He then makes a malice monster for each champion to fight, and Revali does eventually die to it. 100 years later, Link is coming back to unpoison the divine beasts and free the champion's souls. This entire story kinda fucks me up (even if Revali isn't my favorite), but also!!! the fact that there's an SOS code in the song!!! meaning that Revali called for help because he thought he was going to die!!! and his is the latest out of all the divine beast's themes meaning he really didn't want to get help but he accepted he needed it and developed and he still died!!!!"

[noodle-anime]

just! finished saiyuki og series!!! discovered the first resurrected edition volume recently and it has been. well. it's been a journey lol

oooooooooh boy there sure was some Anatomy and Proportions happening in the first volume but it was super fun to see the art style progress actually. it encouraged me to notice more complex poses and things in the later volumes, and when there was an occasional repeat panel like Sanzo and Goku's first look it was very cool to see the difference in quality.

i have a coupla favorite panels/spreads and generally tried to pay a little more attention to how things are precisely laid out and it was a fun aspect of reading. i want to do some actual breakdowns now, maybe compare early and later layouts.

also! i discovered and watched zeroin! my first intro to saiyuki was discovering reload blast forever ago. the art style in zeroin and the fact that there's a whole set of characters i'd never heard of before made it feel like an au or semi-canonical anime movie, sorta, but i enjoyed it So much and there are some specific notes on sanzo characterization that i want to dig into

sanzo is my fave and the kami-sama arc was So Very Good in that respect but it also grew my love for gojyo three sizes.

the way that they all react when gojyo leaves cracks me up so much. they're So Offended. something so funny and also so tasty that they will not under any circumstances admit out loud that they care about gojyo and miss him so instead they're like we are going to Hurt Him (because he hurt us) for Disrupting Our Daily Routine (he's a fundamental part of our lives) and FORCING us to turn this car around (he left with the full knowledge and expectation that they would follow through with actually continuing to pursue this Very Important job like they always said they would)

mmmmm gojyo's savior complex mmmm it's good.

got blasted by the idea of gojyo and hakkai starting an orphanage when they're done with the mission. hakkai was a teacher and still models himself as a "childcare professional"/co-parent to goku and gojyo wants to save somebody So Badly. also good luck resocializing goku to not be killing people/fighting for his life every other day for Two Entire Formative Teenage Years, helping kids and not having it backfire spectacularly in his face would be good for him

i just read the fourth volume so that's most of what i've got on my mind, i know i have More thoughts from the other volumes

besides the fact that sanzo's joints are gonna/have gotta be So Fucked Up. he really is a grandpa. poor guy.

feels good to nail some characterization aspects like genjyo "i'm a coldhearted bastard and you'd better stay out of my way" (developed coping mechanisms to deal with the traumatic loss of a parent and people repeatedly Attacking Him at an early age) sanzo, cho "yes i'm the wife/mother, please excuse these skeletons, the cleaver is only for special occasions" hakkai, sha "i'm the only one here who understands how to be a normal person" (he does not but he does have the highest emotional intelligence) gojyo, and son "i'm a teenager" (he's a teenager, also growing up with the aforementioned trio as parental/familial figures and starting to come into his own!!) goku

not a single one of these men has had a normal relationship or even prolonged interaction with a woman

i had no idea there was a whole brainwashing segment with kougaiji?? and i really want to see more of lirin, there are fun parallels there to explore that i really wanna dig into

i had no idea to what level sanzo was a bastard gremlin with a gun who just Happens to also be the highest of high priests before and now that i do it delights me. the very hypocrisy of his acceptance in his position disgusts him because He Is Not Priest Material but also it's what his dad wanted for him so fuck everybody who tries to take that from him. in any other situation he'd be the shady penniless vagabond gun for hire but koumyou happened. and now we all get to enjoy it.

[waitmyturtles]

In this edition of FUCK, THINGS GOT REEEEEEEAL GOOD: Step By Step, episode 9 thoughts:

First off:

THANK GOD THAT BABY IS OKAY, BUT I'D LIKE A FOLLOW-UP UPDATE ON THEIR HEALTH, PLEASE.

I'm a mom. A slightly traumatic birth scene in a BL! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I'm talking with @lurkingshan about this, but I'm going to leave the timeline issues of the pregnancy to the real SBS experts. If the baby was OKAY and CRYING after a traumatic labor like that, my mom spidey sense says the baby was likely 34 weeks or above. Otherwise, that would more of a real emergency situation, with the need for a very sterile environment, and a really fast, emergency transport to a hospital and a NICU. (Also, around 34 weeks is when moms are advised to not be far from a hospital -- at least in the States -- in the case of this emergency onset birth situation, so that's what's leading to my guess about Ae.) Again, this means that the show may have made a big-ass timeline jump, and I don't think I'm expert enough to apply that to Pat and Jeng, so I'm gonna leave that alone.

Also, at THAT stage of pregnancy, late and belly-dropping.... yeah. Maybe a short stop on a bus can induce labor. We have a family member whose labor was induced when she tripped from a bus. (Real quick education, family: if someone around you breaks water, GET THEM TO A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY if you can, the risk of infection SKYROCKETS after water breaks.)

Okay. Give me babies and I give you mom. Let me step away from that for a second to say:

The show FINALLY GOT GOOD, for my tastes.

Tee Bundit got an editor. We got CRISP dialogue. SMART writing. The episode fit what it needed in its runtime. That's all I was asking for, dear Tee.

We got words. We got real descriptions about boundaries. We got real resistance to CROSSING those boundaries. We got meditations on how to DEAL with those boundaries. We saw Jeng RECOGNIZING that those boundaries are preventing Pat from coming to Jeng intimately, and that Jeng HAS A RESPONSIBILITY to DEAL with those boundaries, instead of ONLY leading with his heart, in a difficult boss-employee situation. We got Jeng managing his heart, yes, but also DEALING ACTIVELY with being PROFESSIONAL as well, and recognizing that he has to STEP AWAY from his role as Pat's superior. GOOD, JENG.

We have Pat still Pat-ing. Pat's like, I'm not gonna date my boss, but also, he liiiikkkeess meeee? He's too good for meeeeeee! PAT, jesus. Thank you, Jen, for working on dusting off our guy. (@lurkingshan, I was literally JUST writing this, lol.)

But also, thank gawd -- at least we have PAT SPEAKING UP and using his words. Like an adult. (?!) And -- being EMPOWERED to USE his words by his WONDERFULLY COMMUNICATIVE PARENTS! So, now we see that Pat, while raised in a sad environment with the separation of his parents, is actually attuned to..... talking and using his words regarding his emotions! We know and see that he can do it -- because his parents can do it, and therefore modeled that behavior for him. (Amarin Nitibhon, great dad in 10 Years Ticket, great dad in Step By Step, keep being a great dad!)

But Pat's still gotta keep Pat-ing, and he's still confused, and... what? He's surrounded by snacks and might need the further reflection of another older adult in Jeng to get deep in his feelings.

I don't know if my read is accurate on this. Is Pat the kind of person that NEEDS people around him to help him reveal his complicated feelings to himself? I think so. He's a young adult, kind of overwhelmed by everything going on, his sister dropped a baby in public (HE'S AN UNCLE NOWWWWWWW) --

Homeboy is GROWING UP. Step by step? Maybe the point of this show is that you don't grow up as well in this world, step by step, without leveraging your family and community around you as best as you can. I like that read, but I don't know if it's accurate yet.

I'm gonna leave the rest of the meta to the real SBS experts. Thank gawd the baby was born okay, but I'm gonna need an update. If Tee Bundit gives me breastfeeding in the next episode, I WILL give him flowers in Thailand, FOR REAL. Come awn. Don't stop at birth! It'll be a good excuse to show SOME body parts -- maybe not the ones we expect, though, ha.

And we get funsies with Pat and Jeng, finally, next week?! Let's motherfucking go.

EDITING TO ADD: Any moms out there watching SBS? I need fellow moms to laugh/cry/emote at all that childbirth stuff with.

[fishysaltine]

(Please read the whole post and maybe my thoughts will form into coherency)

Hopefully I don’t get flack for this and word this correctly:

But I love Wyll’s story, just not his character direction, if that makes sense? (I’m still setting up to romance him tho) he had SUCH good setup for being a really nuanced character among the cast that we have and I think that’s partly due to all of the content he got cut from his story

Can you imagine how much people would crawl over Wyll if he was mother gothel’d? If he totally leaned into Mizora after ten years of isolation? ESPECIALLY AFTER BEING SCORNED BY HIS FATHER?? Bro was 17(?) and impressionable as fuck after a traumatic experience

Also I understand Wyll’s like “my dad had every right to exile me! Mizora covered her tracks!” But you can understand why someone hurt you and be pissed off and doesn’t mean that you have no right to be upset. I’D be upset if my parent left me (a literal child in this situation) in charge of protecting a whole city, then shunned me after I made the only decision that would make sure I could fulfill my city and make them proud! Wyll’s dad literally turned his back on his own son just like that, little to no questions asked, and Wyll has no?? Resentment? AT ALL?? HUH

(Imagine, pray tell, Mizora telling a young, impressionable Wyll that his father must have never truly loved him if he was willing to get rid of him so easily? Wyll hoping that his father would one day forgive him only to lose hope and return to Mizora once more??? You’re telling me that wouldn’t make the lads and ladies swoon?! Especially after learning that Wyll was a total daddy’s boy??)

And the TAV/PC had to go through the slow burn of proving to Wyll that she’s the bitch she is and is only using him? Or push him further into his mindset that Mizora cares for him, even if she hurts him? And Mizora slowly growing more and more desperate to keep her claws in him if you start pulling him away? Until the final thing she does in act 3- it would be so much more powerful and less than a “GOTCHA!”

You don’t even have to make Wyll neutral or evil! He just thinks Mizora has his best interests at heart (when she obvi doesn’t to anyone but him, as if the case with abusive relationships) The first crack would obviously be Karlach, since even Wyll states that Mizora never sent him to hunt tiefling’s, and he literally would’ve killed Karlach if TAV/PC wasn’t there (or the tadpoles) and it would’ve been so heart breaking and interesting for him to be the goodest boy with such a bad person as his “bestie”, all because of the manipulation and abuse she puts him through to keep his expectations and even self esteem low, pushed further by turning him into a DEMON.

(Judging by his dialogue I genuinely wonder if Larian intended for Wyll to have an arc like this, because it would fit a lot better into the general theme of breaking abuse cycles that the game pushes so hard. Especially from the interaction you can have with him at the tiefling party when he *ahem* ISOLATES HIMSELF FROM OTHERS)

A change in how he reacts to his trauma and abuse would’ve set him more apart too, since pretty much everyone except for Shart and Lae’zel aren’t particularly big fans of their abusers (except Gale, but I wouldn’t say he totally embraced Mystra at the time we meet, and if you romance him he throws her to wall p fast). And his abuser isn’t religious at all, it’s more personal since Mizora is literally right in his ear, it’s much more personal ig?

It also would’ve really pushed his thematic parallel to Karlach who H A T ES the devil who forced her into servitude. Can u imagine if she met Wyll, and he’s like “yeah Mizora’s the ONLY ONE looking out for me! ☝️She helps me protect the sword coast! She’s my HOMIE!” She would be so angry and sad for him, because his desperation for connection drove him to connect with a BITCH of a devil

Mizora is just the cookie-cutter narcissist abuser, she isolates her victim and makes (Wyll) rely on only her. It’s honestly more confusing that Wyll isn’t more with her, that he rejects her so vehemently after a decade with essentially only her at his side. I legit don’t understand why Wyll and Mizora weren’t dialed up to 10+ like all the other companions and their abusers are

Anyway these are my sad, slightly disappointed thoughts on Wyll, I just wish he had a lot more content in general but also his own personal journey throughout the game, but maybe it will change when I romance him

[goodolddumbbanana]

Okay, listen to me. What if Sun is the ultimate mastermind? I'll call it Prank-gone-wrongs-AU.

Sun, while trapped in the Ruin dimension, was infected with a virus. But unlike Ruin, it is a milder variant, it makes the subject's emotions become emotionless, unstable but still retains reason. And in Sun's case, it caused him to become more lethargic and impulsive, like soulless!Sam Winchester in Supernatural, but it was in a kind of unconscious way.

So Au begins within a few days of Moon's disappearance. Sun doesn't deal with being alone very well, he goes from cheating while playing games with Earth, to Earth being traumatized while learning to drive. And as time went on, Sun became more and more bored and became more and more unstable in his thinking. And then Earth gets hurt and Bloodmoon returns and Moon grows closer to Solar, making Sun think maybe he should pull some pranks, on everyone, Monty style.

But here's the thing, Monty's pranks and Ruin!viruses don't get along. And when the two are mixed, it gives something very wrong.

Sun is not as intelligent as Moon, but the virus has made Sun's AI more logically advanced. (That poor boy was traumatized by Old Moon, Eclipse for months and years, and numbed himself to move on. The result of that led to severe brain damage, poor memory, and low self-esteem. short, foggy-minded, incapable of solving situations that require critical thinking. Because if we continually erase what we want to forget, or bury it or hide it deeply, the wound will never heal and we will forever be stuck in that position.)

Sun, one fine day, he asked the Computer if it was possible to rebuild Eclipse, as a joke when he was drunk. And the computer said yes, as long as there are Eclipse blueprints. And the drunk story becomes even more fascinating, leading Sun to go through the portal and meet British Monty. And remember, Sun's brain at this time is only 10% Sun's, and all control has shifted to alcohol and viruses. And when Sun doesn't restrain himself, Sun is often much ruder. And maybe more dramatic.

So maybe Sun did fuck with Monty a little bit. Sun is not clearly aware that this is Solar's dimension, Sun only knows that it belongs to an extremely evil Eclipse, according to Monty.

So while drunk and angry after hearing Monty's story and going home, Sun unconsciously used magic to knock Solar out. (In fact, he was too drunk and didn't realize Solar was blocking the way.)

And while drunk, Sun himself used magic to revive Eclipse, as a lingering trace of guilt towards the person who could have been his brother. That resulted in Eclipse becoming more stupid, and that's why Eclipse was revived at Sun's house. Because magic needs to be close to the source.

Of course, Sun didn't remember anything or maybe tried to ignore it when he woke up. This is when the prank begins.

Sun relied on Computer and made them promise not to tell anyone. Sun then pulled Moon to a similar dimension and pretended to be Evil Sun.

That's the twist. There never really was an EvilSun, it was always Sun, just pretending to prank Moon. And maybe during that time, some of Sun's hidden hateful words broke out, but, the prank was a great success.

But that's the problem, Sun doesn't know how to end it. Some words were said that shouldn't have been said, and it felt awkward to tell the truth now, especially when Moon looked so sad. So, like the good actor that Sun is, he pretended to be mysterious and moved Moon back to his original place.

Everything should have stopped there. But then, Sun was turned into a dragon. And in revenge, Sun officially revived Eclipse, using his subconscious magic, while he was drunk.

Sun couldn't tell Moon the truth, especially since he just had a kind new brother who wouldn't scream at him for his mistakes, so Sun played along with the script.

Sun refrained from participating in the action as much as possible, appearing clueless as usual, while praying that no one knew anything about what he was doing.

But there is a problem, SUn's magic is not compatible with Star power. Although Sun was fortunate to have Golden Freddy's memories to help hide his identity from the zodiac constellations, it still emitted a large amount of anti-dark matter, causing Sun to continuously expel it with this way or another.

That's why Sun created the Eclipse .2, that's why Evil Sun appeared again, asking Moon to build the machine for him.

To stop the storm while preventing people from blaming themselves.

Eh... that's it for now.

[girlreviews]

Review #263: Tracy Chapman, Tracy Chapman

You don’t get artists like Tracy Chapman come along too often, and it’s infuriating when they do, because you see the same old shit play out. People are threatened by their mere presence and the idea that they can make something so incredible, but especially that it might give marginalized people a voice. This record came out the year I was born, so it’s approaching its 36th birthday. It’s both unsurprising and also a little devastating at how relevant it remains in 2024. I’ll start by saying: I love it, her, I always have, and I have so many memories attached to this record. Some so sad and some really sweet, all really tender.

But I have something to say about both music critics and general white fragility when it comes to Tracy. Here’s a 1988 review from renowned critic Robert Christgau, self proclaimed “Dean of American Rock Critics” (are American rock critics some kind of authority too? Why’s that? Interesting.):

"Fast Car" is so far-seeing, "Mountains o' Things" so necessary, that it's doubly annoying when she puts her name on begged questions like "Why" and "Talkin' Bout a Revolution." Maybe I should be heartened and so forth that Intelligent Young People are once again pushing naive left-folkie truisms, but she's too good for such condescension--even sings like a natural. Get real, girl. B MINUS”

Where to begin? Firstly, that is the entire review. So you want to talk about condescension, Robert? You can start by referring to Tracy Chapman as a grown woman, which she is, and was, in 1988. And critic you may be, but you’ve never written a review that’s even half as good as Talkin’ Bout A Revolution, which is more relevant today than any of your writing. Why was about apartheid. Maybe you had the luxury of not giving a fuck. Assigning grades? B minus? Get real, boy.

Curious what grade you gave Paul Simon’s Graceland, an album recorded during apartheid, some in South Africa with an array of African musicians who he then toured with. This was both criticized and praised. The point is, it was very political, not in content so much, but in creation. So, when it’s done by an egotistical white man? Listen, I love Graceland but don’t think I won’t be looking into that with some serious side-eye. OH WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE, PAUL SIMON’S 1986 GRACELAND RECEIVED AN A. Fuck all the way off, and then fuck off some more.

This album isn’t for you. Has it ever occurred to you that not every piece of music was made to be consumed by you? And to be declared worthy by you? Jesus fucking Christ, the audacity. She’s singing about poverty, the kind most people will never truly know. The traumatic kind. She’s singing about domestic violence, you know, the kind typically perpetrated by men against women and that too often takes their lives. She’s singing about a tense relationship with the police. She’s singing about escaping dire situations with a glimmer of hope that she might finally belong, that she might finally “be someone”… Only to find herself in seemingly just as dire ones. Do you relate, Robert? Let’s go back to 1988 and you just sit this one out. To be clear, it’s not entirely for me either! But when you have that awareness, you can hear something and still appreciate it. It’s not that hard.

Fast Car was still on the radio a good bit when I was growing up, and again, I think my Mom played this record from time to time. But my real connection to Tracy Chapman came to me in two different ways: VH1’s Pop Up Video, which I watched every single day before I went to school. Over and over, the same episodes. There was an episode that featured Fast Car, and I remember just being floored by the little facts that popped up. Her life had been so unbelievably difficult, with challenge after challenge — which is pretty damn clear in the song. The thing I always remember is that as a young girl, she had saved up her money to buy a guitar, and then her best friend stole it. As stupid as it sounds I think about that all the time. Anyway, this song is special, and everyone knows it, it’s massive, but it’s something different to everyone. Can anyone relate specifically to what she’s describing? Probably somebody, somewhere. Maybe lots of people. But I can tell you that I listened to this song curled up in my bed pretending to be asleep with tears streaming down my face. Wishing that some parts of it weren’t true for me, and wishing that some parts of it were. It’s both a gut punch and a cup of tea between my cold hands.

The second way was Baby Can I Hold You, which, and this kind of cracks me up, was covered by Irish boyband Boyzone in the 90s. Little baby me was pretty into Boyzone, but eventually learned that the original artist was Tracy Chapman. Obviously, her version is better. It hurts my feelings. Is it someone declaring their feelings? Or is it someone communicating the experience of an emotionally unavailable partner, and the words they long to hear? Either way, there’s an ache in it, and it’s beautiful.

Tracy Chapman has been having a major resurgence, because a white male country artist covered Fast Car and as a result an entire new generation of young people are being moved by it. While I kind of wish there wasn’t a cover like this at all, it’s been nice to see Luke Combs give Tracy Chapman the spotlight she deserves and make it her moment. They seem to have a sweet and thoughtful relationship, and he truly loved the record when it came out. He had it on cassette. It was really something to see Tracy on stage at the Grammys smiling, thriving, looking beautiful as ever and singing with that voice just shutting everybody the hell up. I also appreciate that he kept the genders the same in his cover. I’d love to know whether he chose that or whether she insisted upon it. Either way, it was the right call.

Chances are you’ve heard Fast Car, and maybe even Baby Can I Hold You. Don’t be a dweeb, this record is significant and I really believe you’re missing out if you go through your life without listening to it, but it’s your call. I’d like to personally thank Tracy Chapman and VH1’s Pop Up Video for their contributions to my life and the content of my brain. I love you both so very much.

[seeminglyseph]

Because I’m currently kinda obsessed with Hazbin Hotel, I’m seeing a lot of stuff about it and Helluva Boss. And like. People are complaining a lot about like. “What’s with all the Daddy Issues” etc, etc… as if like. “Characters having issues with their fathers” isn’t a a normal issue in media? And also like. Half the Millennials I know have distant and angry fathers with abusive and overbearing mothers who parentified their daughters and babied their sons. Colour me surprised that a Millennial writer has created a variety of parental abuse and neglect stories.

I find it painfully unbelievable when the parents are all loving and supportive hugbears who have time for their kids and want to be involved in their interests and hobbies. Lucifer being distant because he’s so depressed he thinks Charlie hates him and Charlie thinks he hates her because of his divorce with Lilith is the most believable breakdown of communication between a parent and child who do genuinely love each other but suck and expressing it. Next to Stolas and Octavia who are actively currently dealing the contentious divorce of Stolas and Stella which is like. Look, I’m sure that’s messy, but rip that bandaid off because growing up in a house where your parents *actively hate each other* will be worse than the traumatic period of time where they were getting divorced. My parents didn’t get divorced, and I stand by the idea that it was a mistake because I grew up with the idea that marriage was about like… obligations. And if things go right, you want to impart to your children that they can grow up and be happy. That’s the *point* of Stolas and Octavia’s arc. He loves her, he wants to have a happy life away from Stella, and he wants Octavia to have a happy life in a home that isn’t so hostile and loveless. Because growing up in a home where your parents hate each other *sucks*.

Moxie has a piece of shit abusive father he for the most part completely separated from. That makes sense, when your family is fucking garbage sometimes you cut them out. It’s valid, he made a new family. Millie’s family is very tough and no-nonsense and “by the sweat of your brow” from the country, and she ends up being the stronger or more capable one in the relationship because of it. But because Moxie was raised constantly demeaned he has serious confidence issues, and because Millie loves the hell outta him it helps him get out of his head and his self doubt. Parental abuse will fuckin wreck a person’s ability to see the good in themselves, or make decisions. And Moxie having someone love him openly and honestly helps him figure out what’s real and what’s an internal voice implanted by his father.

And learning Moxie’s father was a piece of shit and Moxie was still able to find and accept love helps show Blitzo that like. Having a shitty start doesn’t doom you to a shitty end. Moxie wasn’t just dealt a better hand and that’s why he’s able to have a healthier relationship with Millie. It’s not that Moxie and Millie were from better families and have better beginnings and have better relationships with love (though maybe Millie does) but they allow themselves to love and be loved and they work on healing the hurt.

I feel a little like learning about his and Moxie’s shared trauma of shitty dads gave Blitzo a bit more courage to be able to open up with Fizzarolli, though Moxie’s shitty dad kidnapping them both certainly helped the situation lmao

I dunno if I really have a point but like. 90% of the people I know have issues with their parents on some level and complaining that the characters have issues with their parents in the series is like. Damn, no kidding. Do they also have arms and legs? Perhaps also eyes? Do some of them maybe have mouths?

[mbbsgf]

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING AHEAD !!

mentions of murder, child abuse, p€dophilia, r@pe, cannibalism, drugs and sexual assault, necrophilia. (let me know if there's more)

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i warned you at the top of this post, don't read if any of the mentioned topics trigger you.

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i've been studying true crime for as long as i can remember but i've never been that shocked until now. until i heard about the daisy's destruction case. peter scully is a 61 old man (he currently is in jail) who have done the most gut wrenching, horrifying things i've read. he didn't act alone but he was the "brain" of these crimes. he and his two "girlfriends" kidnapped children promising their parents health and a great situation or whatever but that's clearly not what happened. now the story behind daisy's destruction is fucking insane and horrifying so it's not too late to quit, i don't wanna be in charge of any tears or anything take care of yourselves. one of the girls kidnapped three children. liza, cindy and daisy (i believe this is their names, i apologize if not). i haven't seen the video daisy's destruction since we can't find it on this side of the internet, only on the dark web and for obvious reasons i will not go on the dark web. especially not to see this horror. peter basically r@ped those little girls. to clarify, liza was 11, cindy was 10 and daisy was 18 months old. peter had cindy digging her own grave before strangling her to death. liza and daisy are still alive but they obviously are traumatized and it was confirmed that daisy is unable to have children due to severe injuries around her vagina. i wish them the best and i hope cindy is resting in peace after the hell she went through.

jeffrey dahmer. dear lord, where do i even start? jeffrey would hang in gay bars around the 80s due to his sexuality if i'm correct (correct me if not). i've been studying jeffrey's case for longer so i mostly know what i'm talking about unlike peter's case but i'm not perfect so i might make mistakes so don't hesitate to correct me. jeffrey has always been "fascinated" by death and everything that revolves around it. he would dissect dead animals with his father as a hobby. growing up, jeffrey will realize it's more than just a "scientific" fascination. it sexually attracted him. he would start off by drugging his victim's drink so it'd be "easier" to get them home (please stay safe you guys, psychos are everywhere, always hold your drinks wherever you go). his victims were all males in their 20s or so except for one who was 14. jeffrey was grown when he killed that 14 year old boy. i've personally seen pictures of jeffrey's appartement after he got arrested and those picture made me so uncomfortable. i've also seen jeffrey's polaroids and i don't even wanna comment on it. what kills me is that those photos are so easy to find like that just disgusts me and it made me so uncomfortable.

now, why did i tell y'all all that, hm? there's obviously a reason and you're right. there is. it might sound dumb or like i'm overreacting but i promise i'm not. i've seen MULTIPLE facebook pages, tiktok edits and instagram accounts glorifying and idolizing those monsters. mostly jeffrey because peter's case isn't really known but i have seen "fan" accounts of them both. it's sickening. y'all realize they took the life of innocent, beautiful people. OF KIDS. like. even if peter didn't kill liza and daisy, he still took their life away from them. jeffrey murdered, ate and drugged people. peter raped, murdered and tortured little girls and you have nothing better to do than to create a fucking fan account to support them? you're sick. honestly, fucking disgusting. you think peter or jeffrey would show mercy to you if you were in front of them? you think they'd be like "oh you're my fan, all good!" NO, THEY WOULDN'T. they are murderers and you are glorifying their actions. honestly, you're as sick as peter and jeffrey if you think their actions are okay. i'm sick to my stomach just thinking about the edits i saw of jeffrey with a cute ass stupid caption saying "i could fix him" or "he wouldn't hurt anyone" well shame on you. he did and he admitted to it. the families of the victims maybe have facebook, tiktok or instagram. how do you think they'd feel if they saw their son's/daughter's, cousin's, little brother's/sister's, nephew's/niece's murderer being loved, supported and idolized? you guys are sick. you need to get off your phone and go touch some grass seriously.

that's all i wanted to say, goodnight.

[genzdiariez]

I kind of just want to talk about nothing. This is a diary, after all. Lengthy personal ramble up ahead, if anyone dares or cares to read it. CW: suicidal ideation

So. I'm 20 now. It's been probably six years since I last actually used this blog, until a couple days ago when I checked the email I made it with and saw that it had accrued a bunch of bot followers. So, I logged on, started purging them (and probably some real people too, my bad,) and realized I might be able to start doing this again. So I started following a bunch of people.

For some reason, this blog's url was changed to -blog, and then someone else took the zdiariez url, and I'm not sure I'm willing to confront someone for a url I might end up dropping again in a few months anyway. It does suck, though. I don't like having dashes in my usernames.

I'm not sure I ever talked about this on this blog before, but my mom used to be a massive TERF. Part of the reality of millenials raising gen z is that millenials and gen z are both WAY too online. She got sucked into her toxic circles, I got sucked into mine. I guess in a way, we both saw each others' toxicity and not our own.

At the time (six years ago, freshman year) I was dating a girl who had me on my phone literally whenever she could get my attention. I got in trouble in my computer-something class multiple times because I would constantly check my phone to talk to her. If I didn't, she would get very upset with me. I remember her telling me that it wasn't fair when I was tired, because she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast, and for her to talk to me she has to stay up really late while it's relatively early where I am, and when I go to bed at a reasonable hour, she doesn't have anyone to talk to.

My mom recognized in me a growing anxiety of being away from my phone or computer, and quickly realized it was because I was being emotionally manipulated. By a fourteen year old girl. Of course it's possible when you're both fourteen. That entire relationship was an absolute dumpster fire. I'll never forget how her ex would treat me like a demon and misgender me simply because she didn't like me. Or how she would cut herself on call with my ex to guilt her. I honestly don't understand how we could have so much drama.

So was being fourteen, to be honest. Again, not sure how much I've talked about this, but right when my middle school years ended and I entered into high school, my friend group kicked me out - right after my cat died - and basically told me that I was a bitch and to get lost. "We're tired of walking on eggshells around you all the time." I didn't get the memo that being emotionally volatile after the death of my beloved cat was unacceptable. I think I'll always be pretty fucking salty about that whole situation. It was the seed that grew into a big, strong, healthy Fear of Abandonment and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria tree.

So I lost my cat, my friends, my girlfriend is suffocating me, my mom won't accept me for who I am, so what am I to do? Obviously, I'll hang myself from the catwalks in the school theater with a rope I was given as a prop for a play.

Saying it now, it's melodramatic and needlessly traumatizing for anyone who witnesses it. Back then, it was so comforting to think that I was finally going to be done with it.

Making this blog in the first place was a way for me to cry for help. I didn't ask for help very well, that's something I've never been good at. I kind of wish I was, then maybe I wouldn't have been in such a dark place to begin with, or maybe someone would have noticed the way i was talking on here and reached out.

I feel forever grateful for an interaction I had on this blog when I was fourteen, two years after I came out as nonbinary, unsure if I was allowed to call myself trans and relate to other trans people. An adult (or at least someone older than me) came in to tell me that I am just as trans as anyone else, and my struggles matter. Thank you, blog I've forgotten the name of. You genuinely did help me. You restructured my neurons in the right way where I can tell myself and other people, of course I'm trans! I'm not cis, am I?

[itsnotmyfaultsomepeoplecantread]

Ok first, this made my day because he really was an icon in that episode and I’m very pleased to have this knowledge (which I can now laugh at every time I think about it).

But ALSO, as I was describing this to my mom (who has not seen good omens), I realized I might have a… Hot Take™️. Like. Potentially a *really* Hot Take™️. Especially with all of the issues with the film industry right now. Bare in mind that I completely support the writers and actors striking right now, realize how difficult an industry it is to get into, and acknowledge that things desperately need to change in terms of equality on so many levels.

But here’s my thought: child actors who aren’t born into acting families are so often horribly abused, manipulated, and coerced into shit that leaves them traumatized. We have seen so many kid actors dive off the deep end as adults and end up in shit circumstances.

Why? Because they are basically being sold into acting by their parents. Their parents are making and keeping the money. And kids are a lot easier to manipulate than fully grown adults.

But think about what would happen if someone messed with David Tennant’s or Chris Hemsworth’s kid. That person would be instantly decimated and cast out of college.

Those kids grew up around acting and the industry and the complaints (I’d imagine) that the parents have. And they have their parents to back them up. They’re not just *the better option* but they’re probably going to be a lot SAFER on set than other kids.

I could totally see how nepotism babies become so important in the film industry, and families are on screen for generations. Boiling down nepotism to just being a problem of the film industry is a lot more complicated than that. It’s really, I’d imagine, just a symptom of a much deeper toxicity that permeates the whole industry.

And to be honest, as an ex-teacher, I’d rather have those famous peoples’ kids on screen than worry about kids who aren’t used to that dynamic being put in situations where they can’t stand up for themselves, because they have someone with them who knows the industry well enough to stand up for them. And they’re not just doing it so the parents can get the paycheck (and before you fight me, remember that girl from iCarly who literally wrote a book that’s title said she was glad her mom was dead and how traumatic being a child actor was for her).

I’m sure there are a lot of exceptions to this, and again, I’ll specify that I understand it’s a complicated issue. But I think maybe that other perspective has to be mentioned, because child abuse behind the scenes is a really fucking big problem still.

And all of that doesn’t even begin to discuss the other issues of how complicated it must be to have to figure out your identity when you’re growing up spending most of your time as another person. Not everyone is made for that, and for some kids it might be really difficult to get through those feelings if they’re not used to being around that to begin with.

Some states in America have literally changed laws to allow child workers again. And being an actor is still a job in any country. So please, let’s not forget the kids in the industry when we’re having these discussions of complex issues. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m not saying that it isn’t a problem, but we have to think about every single side of this.

they really brought david tenant’s son in and said hey do you want to play a gay little boy in good omens 2. just a little camp mf. nepotism done right.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Pale Green Things (The Mountain Goats)

You parked behind the paddock/Cracking asphalt underfoot/Coming up through the cracks/Pale green things/Pale green things

"The culmination of an album about songwriter John Darnielle's traumatic adolescence, "Pale Green Things" describes one of the few happy memories he has of his abusive stepfather and then, years later, his reaction to his stepfather's death, when he thinks back on that same memory. While previous songs on the album that touched on his stepfather's abuse were overtly angry or defiant, "Pale Green Things" is subdued and contemplative. It leaves a lot of things unsaid, instead allowing the narrator's feelings to be implied through his descriptions of the two scenes. There is no direct depiction of abuse, instead focusing on a moment of tentative hope and peace, a moment made simultaneously more painful and more precious by the revelation that it was a rare and temporary reprieve. The focus of "Pale Green Things" is not the pain caused directly by instances of abuse, but rather the absence of a positive relationship, and the complicated feelings that come from the glimpses of what that better relationship could have been like. Although finally free of his abuser, the narrator will continue to live with the pain his abuser caused him. But, he isn't trapped in that pain anymore, and he can also remember the good times they spent together, however rare and fleeting they were. The titular "pale green things" can only grow in the cracks of the asphalt parking lot, but their presence proves that the asphalt couldn't kill them all completely. As someone who has a complex and sometimes painful relationship with their own parents, "Pale Green Things" hits hard. I think for anyone who's been in a similar situation, of trying to sort through their feelings toward someone who hurt them badly but wasn't "all bad", it's a very powerful song. Even without knowing the context of the rest of the album, or of how the song related to the songwriter's real life, listening to it for the first time felt like getting hit by a truck. 10/10"

Second suite in F: mvt. 4 Fantasia on the Dargason (Gustav Holst)

Alas, my love, you do me wrong/To cast me off discourteously/For I have loved you oh, so long/Delighting in your company

"Ok so it's a setting of an English folk song right, it's got an ostinato that goes throughout the entire thing like a passacaglia, and that theme is just so joyous AND THEN YOU GET GREENSLEEVES AS WELL like ohhhhh my god the INSTRUMENTATION the ORCHESTRATION the way he uses the lower brass is just fucking phenomenal oh my godddddd. I know this won't get through but please consider classical also fucks me up worse than any other music. The blorbo I project it onto is Percy Grainger, an Australian composer, a contemporary of Holst, and like it really just gives vibes of his entire life like you have the chromatic scale building to the FF hits which are him whipping his wife, then the Greensleeves is his lament at his mother's suicide like yeah it's so relevant to everything"

Second suite submitted by @srijellyfishtempura