#and get perfect scores on literally everything else. that's insane

[phosphorus-noodles]

i hope you feel better! i know it might not be helpful, but drinking water and sleep can solve a handful of issues lmao.

this is true!! it'll fix the sickness at least ahjdskfs- i'm usually pretty good with water but i haven't washed my water bottle yet so the drinking rates are reaching critical lows 😔💔

thank you for this, i appreciate it 🫶 /gen

edit: I SAVED THIS AS A DRAFT INSTEAD OF POSTING IT WAHFJDHFJS- still thanks for this, i did sleep and drink lotsa water and now i'm normal again <33

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck ch.220 thoughts

[Here For a Good Time AND a Long Time!]

(Contents: thematic analysis - happiness/autonomy)

All Up From Here

What'd I tell ya? You don't give things a numerical score, cus something better is always capable of coming along. Tozuka himself even incorporated my exact feelings into this chapter!

"I'm as happy as can be, Andy." "What are you talkin' about, Nico?! It's all up from here!!"

Acknowledging that you're happy is of course an important first step to actually being happy, but to say that you can't be happier is to say that you'll never be this happy again, like a preemptive refusal to accept greater happiness in the future

This is also why I don't personally like to throw around "peak" as a compliment, because again it implies that nothing compares now and never will again. It puts the recipient on a pedestal, and forces all further interactions to be analyzed exclusively in comparison rather than on their own

Take me for example: long-time readers of mine know that Medaka Box is my favorite manga of all time, but as UU has continued to grow and evolve artistically and narratively, I've been forced to reexamine my relationship with both series. By insisting that nothing would ever surpass Medaka Box in my heart, I've been actively holding my opinion of UU down, refusing to change the shape of the hole that Medaka Box left in my life to fit UU, afraid that doing so would cause me to forget Medaka Box

...Huh, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Andy telling Nico to look forward rather than becoming complacent with his current happiness or previous joys is actually a perfect capstone to their last meeting in the previous loop, as Nico's inability to allow Mico to make him happy in Ichico's place was ultimately what allowed Ragnarok to reach a critical point as quickly as it did. He certainly won't allow it to get to that point again, but rooting himself in the high of getting married rather than looking forward to the perpetuity of married life rings a bit of a bell, and one that Andy is quick to silence

This Too Shall Pass

Andy himself needs to take a future-focused stance like this, as if he doesn't, he would certainly go insane...again. In L100, he spent 200 years trying to kill himself because he saw no future in his immortality, just a constant waste of time with no purpose or goal. He would never find love, and any love he did find would be fleeting, as he would watch everyone he cared for slip away. He'd peaked when he had his gang in the Wild West, and everything since then was downhill

Until he met Fuuko

Once Fuuko was in Andy's life, suddenly every day was better than the last. Every day was fun, every day was worth living, and even when he couldn't see her anymore, when he was stuck eternally burning alive on the sun, he knew that there would be a day when the suffering would end. Because he had something to look forward to, the knowledge that things would get better, Andy was able to put up with literally the most painful hardship anyone has ever experienced without a word of complaint

All thanks to Fuuko

No Fate But What We Make

Fuuko, of course, went through the same thing, just on a much smaller scale. She went through ten years of believing that there was no future in a life where she couldn't touch anyone, and the only thing that kept her going was the serialization of a manga. Once it ended, so too did the roadmap of her life; if the only thing she could look forward to was the next chapter, there was no future without one

It was only when she met Andy that she began to see possibilities for herself, that that there was a reason to keep going. Because of Andy, Fuuko was able to look ahead and make a real plan for herself, to commit to multiple preparations and contingencies across 200 years of loneliness, to lay the foundation for her and everyone else's happiness

All thanks to Andy

But Fuuko interestingly takes the opposite approach here. While she builds her future, she seems to think of it as a culmination of the past. She says that the moment of their meeting wasn't the start of their story, but rather Andy's very creation was the start, that he and his life choices are what brought the present and future into possibility. Fuuko attributes all of her successes to him, a domino chain that simply swept her along

But just like Andy corrected Nico, so too does he correct Fuuko

"It started with you, Andy. If you were never born, then I -" "Ha! It was just dumb luck. You're the one that turned that luck into fate."

In this moment, Fuuko has an external locus of control, believing herself to have been dealt a bad hand and that she just got lucky when she swapped out her cards, but that's not what Andy sees. He sees a woman who made the right calls with what she had, who swapped out the right cards and made the right bluffs to turn a bad hand around and win big anyway, and he doesn't want her to lose sight of that

Just like he doesn't want Nico to think his life is going downhill, he doesn't want Fuuko to think her life isn't in her control. If life isn't in your control, then neither is your happiness; anything you have can be taken away, and you forfeit the ability to take it back. Again, Andy can attest to that: he only found Fuuko by sheer dumb luck

No one orchestrated their meeting, it just happened, and it was only because Fuuko made the choice to embrace the consequences of that meeting that their lives turned out for the best. If Fuuko hadn't pushed herself to kiss Andy and save both of them from being captured by the Union, she likely would have been killed and he probably would have somehow found his way back to being Victor, this persona fading into nothing while still remaining unnamed

When hardships inevitably come Fuuko's way again, she needs to understand that she can't rely on luck to save her, but she can rely on herself. She's proven it a thousand times, and even become someone that everyone else can rely on; with her own hands, she defied everyone's destinies and forged a happy ending for all of them. That's not something that could have just happened by the whims of fate, only by the choices of someone with the strength to take control of their own life. After 100 loops with only subtle variations thanks to the minimal interference of the only one who could, the 101st has the chance to create the perfect ending specifically because Fuuko chose to interfere when given the opportunity

And now she has the opportunity to interfere one last time

Let's Enjoy Life

We've talked about it endlessly at this point, but Ruin is a clear foil to Andy in a ton of ways, and this chapter is a perfect illustration of that concept, literally. Not only is this fight happening on the bridge where Andy and Fuuko first met, the flow of the battle itself is like a speedrun of the first 20 chapters

The meteors and lightning from last chapter, getting hit by a vehicle and reduced to a head (the train in ch.1 or the truck in ch.2), having his body sealed by specially made Union containers (eye-scar guy in ch.1), getting pummeled by Void on the highway (ch.2), facing Shen immediately after (ch.3), then jumping straight to being launched into space by Nyoi Kinko (ch.16). Even the way he talks, insisting "this isn't enough to kill me" is pretty much exactly what Andy and Victor would say whenever anyone would hit them with anything - because he thinks they're trying to kill him

But that's not the goal. It never was

Tozuka played a fun little trick on us from the very beginning of the series. By calling UU "the story of [the] quest for the greatest death ever," the expectation that was set up was that we would see the most extravagant, bombastic and show-stopping death ever put to page, that the goal was to find the one thing that could actually overcome immortality. He made a promise that the story would end with Andy's demise and all the spectacle that came with it

With this chapter, it is clear that this was a promise that Tozuka had no intention of keeping

Not in the sense that Andy won't die, I have a hard time seeing this series ending without that punctuation to his story, but the death itself is no longer the purpose of the journey, and I would argue never really has been. The "greatest death ever" is one that comes at the end of a fulfilling life, one where the deceased is surrounded by people who love them and, even through the tears and grief, everyone can look back and smile. This was the lesson that Fuuko learned in ch.1 as she fell to what she thought was her death; the suicide that was meant to end her suffering simply put into perspective how empty her life had been, and being saved, being held, being shown affection by Andy showed her what her life could be

Ch.1 was a perfect preview of the rest of the series, because as I've said many times over by now, Andy and Fuuko's stories are near identical. Just as Fuuko learned that life needs to be lived for death to have meaning, so too would Andy. And now, two hundred and twenty chapters later, Tozuka has finally paid off that slow burn by having Andy acknowledge that he enjoys life!

And now he wants Ruin to do the same.

"I've got one rule and one rule only!! ... Now, c'mon, You follow it too!! Let's enjoy what life has to offer!!"

"You follow it too."

Andy doesn't want to kill Ruin. He wants Ruin to understand the truth. Ruin loves the world, and that's a start, but he wants to eliminate the thing that makes the world truly beautiful - the people in it. Andy's "ridiculously long life" was pointless because he was alone, and Ruin's life is set to be just as long. He insists that he only needs the Rules, but how long can that sustain his soul? At best, madness is all that awaits him, but as we said, a life that accepts it will never be happier is one that has accepted it will be unhappy

Ruin needs to be shown that his way of life will only lead to unhappiness, and that there's a better way. That loving people and being loved by people is better than hating them and isolating from them. Just like Andy drifted through life ambiently allowing things to happen to him, taking opportunities as they came along rather than actively working towards a goal, so too is Ruin losing control in this fight. He's getting smacked around like a rag doll by the culmination of the life that Andy lived, and the Rules he hid behind to distance himself from humanity can't do a damn thing to help him

When Andy thought there was nothing more he could do, that he had to sacrifice himself to the Union to keep Fuuko alive, she stepped up to save both of them, reaching out to someone else for the first time. That was the moment Andy's life started to change, the moment that Andy was truly born, and I believe that Ruin is about to learn exactly what that's like

Undeath and Rebirth

The official twitter gave us a fun bit of insight this week: in L100, the mark over Ruin's eye that I've been calling a scar this whole time was actually a birthmark. While the mark from Remember on Andy actually is a scar, it was present from the moment of Andy's creation, making it functionally identical to a birthmark

But now, in L101, both of these birthmarks are gone. Andy no longer has Remember, and Victor is no longer trying to return, so his wound has healed; meanwhile, Ruin's natural birthmark has been subsumed by a wound. Andy is no longer defined by his origin and now can look toward the future, while Ruin is likely hiding from his origin, covering it up and ignoring the implications of it

Andy was reborn and able to heal, but Ruin is more damaged than ever; more ruined than ever. With his birthmark gone, the pain of his past can be left in the past, but by marring himself so grievously, there will always be a reminder of it. It will only be once Ruin learns to look forward like Andy, like Fuuko, that he will be able to heal and be reborn as well. It is only then that he will cease to be ruined

Conclusion

Of course, this is all assuming that Tozuka actually cares enough about Ruin to keep him around and actively develop him. For all I know, this is going to be another Kururu situation where I'm filling holes that Tozuka only ever planned to leave empty, but as I've said a thousand times, Tozuka has built up more than enough good will for me to give him that benefit of the doubt. I wholeheartedly believe that Tozuka has a plan for Ruin (and hopefully for Kururu too), but in the end I'll still be okay with it either way so long as he uses them properly to develop and analyze Andy and Fuuko

At the end of the day, Ruin's character has given me another angle to approach our leads from, and that's what a good foil is supposed to do. Even if Ruin doesn't accept the lessons and is made to be an illustration of what happens when one refuses to live their life no matter what, that's just as good narratively, even if it's sad to think about. We'll just have to keep reading and enjoy what Tozuka has to offer, whatever that may be

...Ah, crumbs, do I need to change my sign-off???

The original translation was "let's enjoy life," but presumably for either accuracy or dramatic flair, David Evelyn went with "what life has to offer" this time. Now that it's been introduced in canon, that's the quote that's going to become iconic, and most people won't know about Tozuka's convention appearance or the chapter blurb that only appeared in the original magazine run! "Let's enjoy life" is inevitably going to be forgotten as the phrasing of the sentiment, so should I fight the tides and stick with the original, or accept reality and adapt accordingly...

...Well, when I put it that way, after everything I've said in this review, I think my choice is pretty clear. If anyone wants me to go back to the old way, let me know, but for now:

Until next time, let's enjoy what life has to offer!!

[cartoonkitten]

my thoughts on 200% wolf because i have a lot of jumbled thoughts after finally seeing it after waiting 2 years

SPOILERS ‼️‼️‼️

i’m gonna tell you all right fucking now, that this movie is seriously so perfect and mind-blowing i’m not joking. it might be just me, considering a lot of outsider’s thoughts on it, which are now completely illogical to me cause i genuinely thought this movie was so fucking perfect in practically every way. like i’m shocked this comes from the same franchise i’ve been watching for 4 years (not in a mean way just in an insanely grateful way!!!)

OK I MUST ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. THE ANIMATION IS JUST AS FANTASTIC AS IT IS ADVERTISED. LIKE seriously!!! they weren’t lying when they said it was pixar-level, because IT IS. the production value for the entire film is incredible enough, but the visuals are seriously impressive. they are off the charts good!!! the animation is so beautifully, fluid, rhythmic and have such a good flow to them that make everything so eye catching. the character acting and attention to details in it every movement is so well thought out and contributed to each character well. the slapstick, bounciness, and toony nature of it too make it sooo fun!!! like the trailers and clips were one thing, but getting to watch the entirety of it, you just really get immersed with out visual stunning it is. such a thing to behold!

another thing i gotta point out is the score and pacing, which go hand in hand to me. the pacing in this movie is actually so refreshing and it all flows well together, with the score only amplifying every scene (seriously, the score in this movie is insane!). i honestly didn’t think any scenes dragged out too-too long or went by too overwhelmingly fast. of course, with the visuals and everything else (and me being autistic for this franchise) it’s easy to be distracted otherwise, but still. i actually found that very satisfying. it also makes the action and other really good scenes all the more fascinating to see.

even the beginning of the movie automatically set me up for a breathtaking experience. the pan over the moon’s surface, the moonspirits’ theme and role, along with moopoo’s introduction. the establishment already made me excited— AND FREDDY’S NARRATION AT THE BEGINNING IS STILL FUNNY TO ME. hardcore awesomeness. AND ALSO that whole blimp rescuing scene is genuinely so good and fun to watch, like the slapstick and action are so good and funny and such an exciting start. and freddy and batty’s dynamic is still my most favorite beloved thing ever.

"it’s easy for you to say, you’re 100% wolf!" and still, freddy is actually the realest one in the room. HES TRYING HIS FUCKING BEST. disabled trans allegory real.

AND WHEN HE BECOMES A WOLF HES LITERALLY SO SILLY. HIS MONTAGE OF SILLINESS. also moopoo tries to eat a crow for some reason after pissing off freddy and it’s even sillier. AND AGAIN, THE HUMOR IN THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY INCREDIBLY GOOD. LIKE it’s genuinely funny and works so well, especially with the slapstick.

THEN TO THE DOGS. though they’ve weirdly became irrelevant especially after being retconned from the series, seeing them again here is.. honestly awesome! like they’re actually really funny and entertaining in this movie!! TWITCHY GROWING A SOFT SPOT FOR MOOPOO AND ACTUNG LIKE HIS MOM IS VERY CUTE. also the traveling scene on the buses was actually so funny. AND BATTY BEING AFRAID OF BATS IS ACTUALLY IRONICALLY SILLY, especially with her friendship with gar-gar later on, which i love by the way, their scenes are so blessed (also gar-gar is so cute i love him, he’s so somft. his name reminds me of gor-gor from gwar).

ALSOOOO THE MOOPOO DREAMING SEQUENCE IS SO INCREDIBLE TO ME. LIKE ITS SO FUCKING SWEET AND IM OBSESSED WITH IT. I LOVE HIM AND HIS MOM AND THE LULLABY SHE SINGS HIM. EVERYONE HOWLING ALONG IS SOOOOO (PUNCHES THE FUCKING WALL).

also this is so silly to me but i love when max makes freddy do a trust exercise and he attempts to do a trust fall and plummets on the ground and she’s like "what are you doing? no, go fucking kill those dogs"

moopoo starts to become vaguely corrupted with the earth magic that lies within that area. and it’s leaving me to theorize that it probably only, or at least predominantly, effects anything that is or comes from some form of moon magic. that’s just my idea. cause moopoo didn’t use and spells he just started becoming evil for no reason so, yeah, that’s what leads me to believe that.

as for more extensive character thoughts. max is actually an incredibly good villain. she’s insanely badass, intimidating charming, funny and vicious, yet there’s a level of nuance with her— which is kind of why i genuinely would’ve preferred had they redeemed her if i’m being honest. i dug her almost character turn around, because it honestly wouldn’t be too far from realistic to push her in that direction. in character context, her betrayal /does/ kinda still make sense, but also with the fact that she’s humbled herself over the years serving her consequences, and even vaguely accepting her difference, she still admittedly does acknowledge that, despite not deserving the treatment she initially got, she still did bad things that hurt innocent people, fronting defensively out of hate or corruption (arguably both). it probably wouldn’t have been a very drastic change to the plot had they had her fight them after being "betrayed" first, show that freddy can use the magic and overcome the corruptions. then have freddy confront her on how "you can’t force respect, and you can’t earn respect either if you hurt other people that could have," still implying how him and moopoo are misfits like her, and respect her enough to search for her help. having her confront what she’s been too scared to admit all along, and be able to combat corruption herself. then she pushes the moon back into place. freddy goes to help moopoo, who is presumably still being corrupted by all the magic being thrown around, and thus, the rest can continue how it did. although, i’d prefer max not be given her wolf form back like freddy did. let her state accepting her consequence and that she’ll take her time re-earning her respect again. if this all makes sense. that’s really my main idea for max, i just thought it would’ve been cool, and also a subversion compared to all the other villains.

another thing i wanted to talk about it how i appreciate how they worked with freddy’s character. anyone that knows me knows how heavily critical i am of the first movie (which makes this incredible movie feel like a fever dream), and especially how i feel about the writing surrounding, weirdly enough, freddy himself. it was all kinds of disappointing and underbaked with the message totally mixed up. to be honest, this movie take that same message and redoes it more considerably i reckon. freddy doesn’t get inherently villainized for unrealistic reasons, and he honestly feels even more in character in this movie. like freddy is such a good protagonist and i feel like this movie molds him into the most fitting and well thought out way for him. i greatly appreciate it.

there is probably more i will be talking about later, but this is what my main thoughts are. this movie is fucking amazing and i can’t believe it’s real i’m gonna cry

[rookie-critic]

Terrifier 2 (2022, dir. Damien Leone) - review by Rookie-Critic

Ok. Terrifier 2. Now we're cooking with gas. With this installment of the cult-horror franchise, started by the atrocious All Hallows' Eve in 2013, Leone has finally hit his stride. This film takes everything that was so bad about the first two films in the franchise and improves it to a point that, dare I say, we actually have a good 80's-inspired B-movie slasher on our hands. Art the Clown finally gets to exist in a film where he's not being dragged down by everything around him. You can enjoy the gory splatterfest kills and practical effects (which are all still incredibly well done for the increased-but-still-modest budget the film was made on) without having to bemoan literally everything else. The acting is finally good, or, at the very least, good enough to emulate the B-movie feel this franchise is built on, and the main character is actually interesting. Lauren LaVera has great screen presence and, in the scenes she shares with Art, does not get lost in David Howard Thornton's performance. They genuinely share the screen in a way that no other character in this franchise has managed to accomplish so far. Also, Art is hilarious in this one (when he's not utterly terrifying, of course). There are multiple sequences and gags in this film that got me to audibly gut laugh. One particular scene early on in the film's massive runtime involving Art trying on sunglasses in a costume store comes to mind as the one that busted the dam open for me.

This movie is a staggering 2 hours and 28 minutes, an insane runtime for a slasher film, and I was never bored. I saw this on a Monday night at 9:30 running on about 3 hours of sleep and never once felt like I was about to pass out. All of this to say that, for a franchise that I actively disliked, and walked into the theater the night I saw it ready to rip it to shreds, it is a massive improvement and a good film. Of course, it isn't perfect. There are a couple of small instances of the hallmark misogyny that plagued the previous two installments in this one, which is disappointing, but the presence is greatly reduced down to almost nothing. Also, while most of the acting was good and the writing is way better in this one, there were a few characters that could have been better and a few moments in the script that came off as cringey. It was a little distracting when everything else was going so well and then there would be a bad line read or an over exaggerated response to something and it would take me out of it. Lastly, and this one I don't particularly mind as much, is this film leaves a ton open. Obviously Leone wants there to be a Terrifier 3, but Terrifier 2 definitely cannot stand on its own two legs from a plot standpoint, and with a franchise as inconsistent as this one, I worry that openness will make it a hard barrier for entry that people will have to suffer through at least one godawful film before getting to see this one. However, whenever Leone eventually does make a Terrifier 3, I will be in the audience, hoping for even further improvement.

Score: 7/10

Currently streaming on Screambox. Also available to rent or purchase on digital (iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, etc.) and on DVD, Blu-Ray, and 4K through Cinedigm/Screambox.

[tenduw]

Spooky Stories - Day 1: Death Becomes Her (1992)

Welcome to day 1 on my movie review series! Wherein all of the films that I review this month, are films that are somewhat linked to this scary season. Kicking off the spooky stories saga we have ‘Death Becomes Her,’ a dark comedy series starring Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn and surprisingly Bruce Willis. Originally receiving Mixed Reviews, the film has since gone on to be considered a cult classic, with it being renowned for its visual effects and its campiness. I’ll try to keep it brief, but essentially in this review I’ll give a summary of what I liked, what I disliked and an overall score out of 10. As a disclaimer I just want to say that everything I say here is my opinion, and this is just a verbalisation of my own thoughts - please though feel free to share your own thoughts and opinions. 

To begin with, the acting in the film was phenomenal. Both Madeline (Meryl Streep) and Helen’s (Goldie Hawn) over the top acting with their line delivery really made them feel like a darker version of a typical Renaissance-era Disney villain. Ernest (Bruce Willis) was extremely good as well, and several times in the film I had to keep reminding myself that he was the same guy who played John Mcclane in Die Hard. I know that being as these are seasoned actors, I shouldn’t be so impressed or surprised that they all delivered, but it was absolutely phenomenal. The comedic timing of the film was also brilliant - and quite a few times I found myself laughing at a line being delivered and the literal next shot contradicting said line. I do believe that it was the mixture of the acting and perfect timing that really turned this film into a comedy because without it - my god is it grim. 

Another thing that I liked about the film was just how ruthless it was. In terms of movie plot, both women were completely ruthless. During the majority of the film, they hate each other to the point where there is a literal scene where they kill each other. Numerous times. Madeline’s and Helen’s focus on what they want is so obsessive that everything else around them - or rather Ernest, is a means to an end - either as a way to get back at the other, or a way to stay eternally young. The film’s ending - wherein they both fall down the stairs and shatter, is one that really encapsulates the overall message - where not only are both women each other’s downfall, but if they’d just done something simple (such as talk to each other or help each other when the other needs it most) instead of coming to an insane conclusion then they wouldn’t even be in this mess to begin with. The film is also absolutely ruthless in voicing its opinions on the beauty industry’s hunt for eternal age, and even though it’s 30 years old now, I do think that message still holds up really well. 

I did also really love how classy everything was as well. The costumes, the mansion, the cars - even the glam moment by Meryl Streep in the beginning, it did look amazing, and with the context of the film, really drove home the message that money can’t buy happiness. Alongside this, I really did like the small details that really helped to ground the otherwise outlandish plot - The opening night of that musical in the 70s, the book signing etc - all of these work to push the main characters’ motivations and general unhappiness with their lives. There’s a really poignant scene in the film where Ernest walks into a group of doctors discussing how to save their patients’ life and there’s a look of longing on his face that really drives home as to how much he is missing his youth - and with it, his skills.

There were also a number of things I did not like about the film as well though. To start with, the blatant fatphobia in the film did feel a little uncalled for - especially because it felt unneeded. Had Goldie Hawn not been wearing a fat suit, then that scene would still play out the exact same way. I know that it was the 90s, but it did still feel unnecessary. I also didn’t like the fact that there was no real sort of additional information surrounding the potion of eternal youth, other than the fact that it was just there? There was no explanation as to how Helen’s character even found it, and it did leave me rather confused. 

Speaking of Helen, her character seemed to have quite a few character shifts. She wasn’t very consistent throughout the film, and even though I completely understood that it was her who was very much pushing the revenge card, it did feel like she got a tad too much blame from Madeline. If the problem from Madeline was that Helen’s entire friend group was making fun of her, then why was Helen the only one singled out? It was a tad confusing and felt a bit like a last minute throwaway line to make Madeline appear more sympathetic.

To sum it up, I did really enjoy the film. It was definitely unique, and I think by playing up the sort of theatrical nature of the villainesses’ feud with each other, it really creates unforgettable but irredeemable characters. I do think that in times the overall writing felt a little iffy, however I think it ultimately is an enjoyable experience, and would definitely watch it again. 

RANKING - 7/10. Would watch with a friend on a movie night as it’s entertaining, but I don’t think that it’s a phenomenal watch. 

[nojey]

finally

feral boys x streamer!reader (separate)

genre: fluff, crack

warning(s): none

synopsis: the feral boys finally meet their favorite streamers

dreamwastaken / clay

word count: 407

the day you met dream, you were on the phone with your best friend george, also known as georgenotfound

the day you met dream, you were on the phone with your best friend george, also known as georgenotfound

he was speedrunning on stream while you were on a discord call with him

his viewers knew who you were, not only because you were george’s best friend but also because you were a streamer too

you weren’t a big one but well known for how well you play battle box in mcc

george was about to end his stream after an unsuccessful speed run when he asked you something

“you know dream right?”

“yeah, of course, he’s one of your other best friends” you answered

“are you okay with me adding him to the call?” he asked you.

“uh sure, but aren’t you gonna end stream?” 

“no, i will after this.” he giggled

“why? are you trying to embarrass one of us?” you asked him suspiciously.

“you don’t have to worry about that.” 

you heard a ding from discord, indicating that someone joined your voice chat

“hello? dream?” george asked.

“george. why? why are you doing this to me?” dream asked.

“hi dream,” you smiled.

“uh, hi. hi (y/n).”

“george why did you add me to the call?” he asked george.

“well, i know how much you like watching their stream. and considering you’re both my best friends, why not introduce you! perfect right? anyways. i’m gonna end my stream now. let’s raid karl. and you two can talk to each other. bye now!” he left the call so now it was just you and dream in the vc

it really warmed your heart that someone with such a big platform liked watching your streams since it had been quite hard to gain a following since you started streaming

“hi dream,” you said once again

he sighed. “hi (y/n).” “i really didn’t want him to do that, i didn’t want this to be the first time we meet, you know. i just love watching your streams so much and i wanted it to, honestly, be in person. but you know, george does what he thinks he shou-”

“it’s okay dream, i’ve actually been looking forward to meeting you, considering you’re also one of george’s best friends. but i do agree, he does tend to do whatever he puts his mind to.”

after you calmed his nerves, his conversation skills skyrocketed and the conversations flowed very easily

you guys spent the rest of the night talking 

georgenotfound / george

word count: 326

being a minecraft streamer and a hypebeast got you some recognition

you were a hypebeast model on instagram and when you had announced you started streaming minecraft on twitch you had grown pretty easily

it didn’t take you time before you were invited to join mcc

not just because you had a big following but because you were actually really good at playing

since you didn’t really know any other mc streamers you got placed in a group with people you had never met

their names were Ph1lzA, WilburSoot, and GeorgeNotFound

the first time you talked to them, they welcomed you with open arms and we so nice

“hi (y/s/n)! i’m philza but you can just call me phil,” he introduced.

“hi phil!” you responded.

“i’m wilbur, is this gonna be your first mcc?” wilbur asked.

“yeah, it is. i’m actually really nervous.” you laughed a bit, to get the nerves out.

“ah okay, well no worries. we were all beginners before. don’t worry about trying to score high, just have fun!” phil assured.

“we’re just waiting for one other person and we’ll get started on the practice.” phil continued.

“okie dokie,” you said. you put yourself on mute and wiped the sweat off your hands on your pants. 

“hello, hello, sorry i’m late. had trouble starting the server.” you heard. 

“well nice of you to join us george.” wilbur said.

“yeah, yeah. hi philza, hi wilbur, hi (y/s/n)- wait, (y/s/n)??” he stuttered

“hi george?,” you said softly.

“oh my god, i’ve watched your streams before, they’re really cool. i enjoy watching them.” he rambled.

you giggled

“well thank you,” you said, still giggling a little.

for the rest of the day you all practiced, everyone giving you pointers, but george watching carefully to make sure you understood the pointers you were getting

and if you didn’t then he knew to tell you which part you were kind of misunderstanding

sapnap

word count: 398

you met sapnap long before you became a streamer

you were a big fan of sapnap

and one day you ran into him in public

it was a short interaction but it really meant a lot to you

so you asked for a picture to remember the moment by

after you took the picture you said your goodbyes and you were extremely excited

a few weeks after than interaction you had made the decision to start streaming

you were thinking about becoming one for a long time and after meeting sapnap you made your decision 

because you wanted to be the type of person sapnap was to you

and be a person someone looked up to and meet people that felt the way about you that you feel about sapnap

you’d been a streamer for a few months when you got a raid from sapnap himself

his viewers were suggesting he raided you so he did

you freaked out, you gained a small following and the fact that sapnap decided to raid you? amazed

but what you didn’t know was that he kept watching you

after he saw how appreciative you were he wanted to watch more and he got intrigued

so he followed you and started watching your streams almost every time you streamed whenever he wasn’t busy

after about 2 years of streaming you got a very big following

your supporters were stalking your twitter and found the picture of you and sapnap when you both met

they then began to repost it on twitter tagging the both of you

you saw it and replied, “LMAO i look so small. but big shoutout to sapnap for raiding me as a small streamer and making all this possible <3″

he saw your reply and his eyes went big

HE MET YOU BEFORE!??

he then proceeded to respond to your tweet, “we’ve met before??”

and it went back and forward

“yeah, it was before i was a streamer, we met at like.. the grocery store lol”

“i literally had no idea you were a fan of me”

“yup, i’ve been for the past 3 years”

“dude after i raided you i started watching your streams and you became my favorite streamer”

“well,, you’re still my favorite streamer ;)” 

after that sapnap dmd you asking if you guys could meet in person again

and who could pass up that offer

karl jacobs

word count: 510

you and karl met at twitchcon

you had recently become a big streamer and this was your 2nd time going to twitchcon

1st time having a meet and greet

meeting your supporters meant so much to you 

you finally get to give each of them a hug, and it may not be all of them but seeing this many people come out to meet you meant more than anyone could imagine

but being at twitchcon also meant you could meet your streamer friends 

which made everything 10x more exciting

you decided to meet up with your friend, valkyrae and you guys were going to a creator party

when you finally got to see her you gave her a huge hug that lasted a while because it was the first time you were meeting in person

once you both reached the venue of where the party was being held you all met up with your other friends. you hadn’t met any of them in person but rae had

you saw sykkuno, lily, michael, toast, and a few other people and smiled really big, excited to see all of them

you finally got to them and pulled them into a group hug

“you guys!! oh my god it feels so good to finally meet all of you!” you said.

“it’s nice to meet you in person, (y/n).” sykkuno said smiling at you

you let go of the hug and remembered everyone else that they were with

“hi! i’m (y/s/n) but you can just call me (y/n),” you said with a smile.

“this is karl, poki, and scarra.” toast introduced.

you saw karl and poki whispering to each other while you got into a conversation with everyone else.

poki coughed and said, “hey guys! don’t we have to go to that thing, right? that thing.” hinting at something, looking between you and karl.

you’re pretty sure everyone caught on and they all agreed.

“oh yeah! that thing!”

“yeah, we should probably go!”

“yup, don’t wanna be late to that thing.”

you looked at them with an unimpressed look as they walked away, looking behind their shoulders to see you and karl standing there.

“hi, i’m-i’m karl, i’m sorry about that. i just told poki that you’re like literally my favorite streamer and i guess she wanted us to talk more? i don’t know, but it’s really nice to meet you.” karl said.

you laughed as you quickly understood your friends weird behavior

“yeah, you raided me a few times- thank you for that by the way. it helped me a lot in growing my fanbase and i don’t think i’d be where i am if you hadn’t raided me.” you smiled at him. he beamed and smiled back at you.

“yeah, no, it was no problem. like i said you’re literally my favorite streamer and being able to help you with that is absolutely insane to me.”

for the rest of the party, your friends could see both of you talking the night away

and maybe even dance together

quackity

word count: 428

finding out what to do for stream was kinda hard when pretty much all your friends were busy

but then you got a text from karl, asking if you wanted to play jackbox with him and a few friends

you accepted, knowing you wouldn’t have anything else to stream

in the lobby it would be you, karl, dream, sapnap and a few other people you didn’t know

when it was finally time to play, you started up your stream and introduced what you’d be playing that night

“hey guys, welcome welcome, welcome. today i’m gonna be playing jackbox with karl, dream, sapnap, and a few other of karls friends.” 

you joined the vc and immediately heard a lot of boys talking very loudly

you let out a small, “hello?” 

somehow everyone heard you and stopped talking

“(y/n)!” karl yelled out.

dream and sapnap let out a “hi, (y/n)” and you said hello back.

“hi everyone, i’m (y/s/n) but you all can call me (y/n)” you introduced yourself.

eveyrone else said hi and introduced themselves

you found out you were playing with quackity, wilbur, tommy, and techno too

during mad verse city karl was going against quackity and his rap went something like this

“you talk so weird, i’m gonna need translator, next time (y/n)’s here they’re gonna be a hater, because your big crush on them i’ll see ya later”

your mouth was wide open while all the boys started teasing quackity

“what the fuck! i don’t have a crush on them!” 

quackity ended up losing that one.

after the game and you ended you stream you asked quackity to stay

“hi quackity,” you said, with an energetic voice

“... hey, (y/n)” 

“sooo, was what karl said true?” you asked.

“mm not necessarily. it’s not that i have a crush on you. you’re.. just my favorite streamer and you know. this is the first time i’m meeting you and i was telling all of them that i’m nervous because i’ve never talked to you before and i think you’re a great streamer and that you put out really funny content and i didn’t wanna embarrass myself but. karl did that for me.” he rambled

you giggled

“i think that’s really cute. thank you for supporting me. you can dm me on twitter or discord if you ever wanna play sometime.” you told him and left the vc.

you then saw all the boys you were playing with pile into the vc and you could only imagine what they were talking about.

[envirobliss]

My Captain: C. Conway

A/N I’m literally petrified writing for this man. I also don't know shit about sports so. Apologies for any mistakes I'm like half asleep. I don't know if i wrote him right :(. Also this is set in D3 obviously lol Happy Valentines Day <3

Pairings: Charlie Conway x GN!Reader romantically

Summary: Now that they’re at Eden Hall without Bombay, Charlie’s been a ticking time bomb and when his partner becomes the captain after improving more than anyone else over the summer, Charlie lets that be his reason to ruin what they have.

Charlie Conway, the sweetest boy anyone had ever met, had suddenly become the most violent and temperamental person on the team after Coach Bombay’s departure. It hurt everyone to see Charlie change, but of course, it hurt you the most. You, his beautiful love, had to see your own boyfriend spiral into a rage-fueled boy.

After the rough practice Coach Orion had put all of you through, Charlie was already fed up with everything and wasn’t in the mood to see Coach Orion put up everyone’s positions on the locker room’s board. He was getting more agitated by the complaints and aches in his body by the second, but for one moment everything seemed to go away for a euphoric second when all he saw was you in front of the board looking stunning. What he didn’t expect though was the confused look on your poor face and refusal to let him see the board.

He didn’t get the chance to see before Dwayne congratulated you for being captain. You, his beautiful non-captain lover, being captain? How? I mean you move gracefully on the ice and hit almost every shot you make plus displaying perfect responsibility and leadership qualities, but Charlie’s been captain for so long. He loves you, but not enough to have you replace him. No way. He'd been captain and was known to be way better than you wasn't he?

Everyone's cheers and confused remarks were interrupted for a quiet moment when Charlie stood up throwing off his jersey letting out a harsh scoff marching towards the board to see if it was true while all you could do was stare at him in shock surprised at how angry he looked. He's never looked so violent to you before. He turns around just to be met with your shocked almost scared figure. He softens for a moment before realizing you were the reason for this unwanted change.

It's been a couple of days after your revealing of being captain and all Conway has done is argue with you about every little thing and you've been catching him staring at you with such a strange look almost a look of disgust. Today you had a game against the Blake Bears and it was your first game as captain of the team, so you had an insane amount of pressure on you which Conway wasn't exactly helping with.

It was the last seconds of the game and you were chasing after Charlie to try and steal the puck since he wasn't listening to any of your yells for him to pass it. As soon as you got ahead of Charlie, he hit the puck making sure it wouldn't be passed to you. He almost immediately fell to the floor after hitting the puck and it was right in front of the goal, but he hadn't made it inside the goal. So you gave it an extra push as soon as you could scoring you guys the point. You had won it for all of them.

Charlie had walked into the locker room practically ripping all his gear off while everyone was silent. Everything was silent for a few moments except for the little sounds of rustling before Guy called out asking where his clothes were making everyone realize all the clothes were gone getting Conway even more pissed.

Everyone was searching before they stumbled into the showers seeing the water on and pointed directly at the pile of teams clothes. Everyone quickly got confirmation of who did it when they saw " Freshmen Stink" written on their wall.

Thankfully everything had finally dried off and everyone was walking away from the locker room heading to their dorms while you were heading off with a pissed-off Charlie. You kept nodding and humming while he went on his usual upset rants waiting for the usual argument to happen. Wanting to cherish the moment, you reach to hold onto his arms when you're met with sudden silence and a frozen boy looking at you with disgust. Then the fighting happens.

"What's wrong?" you say with a tired voice

"You know what? Maybe something is wrong y/n!" he said with the familiar harsh tone he developed only for you.

"Well, what is it, Charlie?"

"You hit my puck! That was gonna be my score!"

"Charlie please don't do this right now. We got the win didn't we?"

"God you are so selfish, but fine 'royalty'! Such a good win wasn't it "captain'!"

"Please don't tell me you're still mad about that."

"I was captain for four years straight of course I am! You act like you're so much better than me now when all you got was an undeserved title! That was my title! I'm so sick of this you know that y/n? I am so sick of you sometimes."

"What the fuck is going on with you? You've been fighting with me for days now all because I was named captain! I fucking love you Charlie, but you hurt me so much with the way you act around me. I'm getting to my limit" you confessed tiredly letting go of the little piece of his arm you were holding onto almost walking away.

"I don't even get you anymore Charlie. I love you, but I'm so fucking tired of you. Figure your shit out and then maybe we can figure whatever we still may have out." you said walking away.

"Fine walk away! I don't even give a shit anymore!" he called out from behind you.

It had been a few days after the encounter and Charlie hadn't apologized or looked at you after that. All he noticed was the fact you weren't showing up to practices much after the game except today you did show up looking as perfect as ever only to stay for about 10 minutes to talk to Coach Orion and then leave quickly without saying anything to anyone. You only gave pitiful looks and nodded when you met someone's eyes.

Orion quickly came back holding the 'C' patch you once wore proudly on your jersey, "Y/N will no longer be joining our practices as they have stepped down from their position of captain. Many of you already knew about this news, but I still wanted to inform the others who weren't aware. We now have a new captain, Mr. Conway, who will lead us to many victories. Practice may resume now!"

Charlie spent that night grazing over the 'C' he once craved so badly. He had finally been awarded the role of the JV's captain, but at the cost of losing his one true love.

[ashesforashes]

ok so i saw the 1776 2022 revival and omg

(spoilers for changes in the new revival. 100% worth it to see it if u can)

first of all: every single person in that show was amazing. literally not a single weak link. costume design: amazing. lighting and set: perfect.

what i liked:

they didn’t modernize it too much. yes there was a whole thing in “the egg” where they projected onto a curtain all the civil rights movements/protests/etc up to the present but other than that (and a couple other times where the characters broke the first wall to adress the crowd) it was fully set in Philadelphia, 1776. also i don’t think that show ever needs to be done with men again. having it all non men made all the voices blend so much better and let them all show off their (insane) talent. also, everyone who had a solo song (ex he plays the violin, lees of old virginia, etc) like went up an octave and showcased their vocals and it was so good.

what i didn’t like:

there honestly wasn’t that much i wasn’t in love with. i think jefferson could have had a little more personality tbh but her violin was incredible so im ok with it.

the true showstoppers of this show were “he plays the violin”, “mama, look sharp”, and “molasses to rum to slaves”. with “he plays the violin”, the actor who plays martha washington used to play christine daae on broadway and it SHOWS. that girl sang that song so perfectly. there were some issues with the pacing of it but i did like how adams and franklin left halfway through and left martha with just jefferson and showed how in love they were. i must say, i was not insanely impressed with martha jefferson’s character until she started singing but i guess it was more in line with who she was in real life rather than a girl like in the movies. also. when they first saw each other they danced. i was hoping for a kiss lmfao.

mama, look sharp:

power. vocals. like it was a powerful song made even more powerful by the godsend vocals. the scene didn’t start off lighthearted like in the movie and i think that was a good choice and when she started singing, billy’s mama (who also played hancock) came out and just started riffing over the instrumentals in a gospel style and good god it was amazing. 

molasses to rum to slaves:

this hit so much deeper cause the audience was from boston. it was also so powerful watching the Black actors take off their congress coats and dance in front of the non Black actors. also rutledge put her everything into that song, she performed it and sang it so powerfully. it really cut the new englanders in the show and the audience to their core. 

other misc notes and thoughts

southern accents are hot

slavery comes up a lot sooner in the revival; jefferson brings an slave to philadephia and there’s a scene where they’re reading the declaration of independence and when it’s like “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal” and the slave is on stage and we see just how much of a hypocrite jefferson was.

the new scoring for the orchestra pretty much made the show. it modernized it and, especially with john and abby’s songs, it lifted them from pretty ok to amazing. like the way that the guitar came in. it was so good

jefferson’s coat was clearly a nod to hamilton lmao. it was a very nice coat too. and they gave her a red wig b/c of course

a lot more jefferson playing the violin 

john adams was insane. she was just so good

the lees of old virginia was somehow. forgettable? like don’t get me wrong, it was amazing but because everything else was so good, it just happened and then was kind of forgotten

“the egg” got turned from a boring song to a rocking firery song about american revolutions etc it was great. also more violin

hahaha dickinson was such a karen like oh my god i loved it

1776 is kind of a hard show to pull off, what with so few female characters and the time period that it’s in (and the way it kinda glorifies the founding fathers) but i think the newest revival is the gold standard to how it should be performed.

ok i’ve probably forgotten a lot but i genuinely enjoyed it so much and i’m praying so hard that there’s a cast album so i can listen to eryn lecroy sing “he plays the violin” on repeat. and also a proshot. i would v much love a pro shot.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Carnival date headcanons with kalim, cater, epel, jack, and malleus please?

Curiouser and Curiouser...

Kalim’s so excited to explore the carnival--he wants to see and do everything at least once, hauling you from one attraction to another with sparkling eyes. He can scarcely stay at a food or gaming stall for long without something else grabbing his attention and rushing over to it, your hand clasped in his.

Just as he wants to experience it all, Kalim also wants to taste it all. He’ll put down the Madol to buy a ton of snacks, and he insists on feeding it all to you! You just can’t say no to your boyfriend when he plucks off a tuft of cotton candy and holds it out to you, or stuffs some funnel cake in your mouth.

Kalim doesn’t mind the “kiddie” attractions; he treats them just the same as the more adrenaline pumping rides. He’ll jump around in a bouncy castle or spin around and around on the merry-go-round happily, a wide grin plastered on his face.

He doesn’t realize that carnival games tend to be rigged against you, so he just keeps shelling out money when he doesn’t win until he finally does! Kalim really wants to nab that grand prize for you though Jamil will scold him later for frivolously spending! When he finally does, he’s so proud of himself that he beams like the sun as he hands over a massive otter plush and claims a victory kiss.

Cater will want to take as many cool looking photos as he can to commemorate the date! That means lots of couple selfies sharing snacks, making silly faces in cute accessories, and posing with prizes from carnival booths.

He elects for something savory while you’re exploring the carnival! There’s nothing like a carton of nachos or fries drenched in cheese, shredded veggies, and greasy meat! Of course, it gets a bit messy to eat--but rather than use a napkin to wipe things up, Cater cheekily kisses your fingers and licks up the remains of your snack.

Cater likes the idea of playing carnival games, but he’s not very successful at winning them. In fact, he would rather use a ring for taking an aesthetic picture rather than play ring toss! (You get a lot of confused looks from the stall runners when he thanks them for lending him “props” for his MagiCam account.)

Instead of games, you visit the balloon artist, who twists up a crown for you--and though it looks goofy, Cater insists that it’s a piece befitting royalty! He drags you into the hall of mirrors, and you spend hours there in the maze, bouncing into a thousand of you and Cater in silly balloon crowns. When you finally find the exit, the sun is setting--the perfect backdrop for one final date selfie.

Epel wants to go on all the high excitement rides! No merry-go-round for you guys, it’s all about the roller coasters and bumper cars! He’ll let his hair down and scream as much as he wants as you’re plummeting from a drop or smashing his car against yours.

For a carnival snack, you share a caramel or candy apple--but because the apple’s so round, it’s hard for you to find a place to bite! Eventually, you and Epel agree to try chomping on the apple from opposite ends at the same time to keep the fruit from slipping around on its skewer. It kind of works, but the sticky sugar clings to your hair and Epel’s! You use a moistened napkin to help clean one another up before you chow down on your shared treat.

He gets pissed off while playing carnival games! The people running the game stalls tease Epel, calling him a little kid and implying he won’t be able to win a big prize no matter how hard he tries. Joke’s on them--Epel manages to score a win while they’re distracted laughing! With a snide grin, he lets you know that you can pick whatever prize you like from the stall.

At the end of the day, you’re both tuckered out and don’t feel like going on another roller coaster, so you agree for your final ride to be on the ferris wheel. You reach the apex and look out to see a shimmering sunset, the sky red like an apple and the sun like an wobbling yolk sinking into the horizon. Epel sneaks a shy peck on your cheek while you’re distracted--and that sets both your faces aflame.

Jack allows you to lead him around the carnival and determine which attractions and rides you want to engage with. He only intervenes when he thinks it’s a bad idea (like if you ate before trying to get onto a roller coaster) and will propose an safer alternative for the sake of your safety and wellbeing.

He’s not a fan when it comes to most carnival foods--they’re deep fried and dipped in too much sugar, and Jack insists he needs to stay in shape for Track and Field Club! You manage to convince him to grab a bag of popcorn to munch on throughout the day, and you take turns tossing pieces for the other to try and catch in your mouths.

Jack’s a beast (both literally and figuratively) when it comes to carnival games! He can score hoops, whack moles, dunk tanks/hit targets, and win tests of strength easily, netting you an entire army of new giant prize plushies!

You spend most of the date on your feet, but if they start to feel sore, Jack volunteers to give you a lift to let you rest. Be it princess carry or piggyback ride, he makes sure to handle you carefully as you thread through the carnival grounds with you clinging to him.

Wherever Malleus walks, the crowds instinctively part for him (whether in fear or in reverence, you’re not certain). This makes it far easier for the two of you to navigate the bustling carnival crowds, though if you ever do get separated, it’s not that hard to spot a tall, horned guy in the middle of a sea of people.

He’s fascinated by the variety of snacks offered at carnivals and spends a long time choosing what he’d like to eat. In the end, Malleus settles for his favorite: ice-cream! You follow suit, grabbing a different flavor than him--but curiosity gets the better of both of you, and you end up briefly exchanging cones to sample one another’s choices, resulting in indirect kisses!

The game stall employees call Malleus out for using his insane magical abilities to cheat (”Oi, oi, oi, you can’t just levitate the ball like that, young man!”), so he’s forced to play without them. Though Malleus is generally elegant, he lacks the skill needed to win any of the games. He does eventually accumulate enough attempts to get a pity prize, but he still gets gloomy and sulks about his loss.

Some of the kids at the carnival mistake Malleus for a costumed performer because of his horns and pointed ears! They swarm around him, asking for pictures and jokes or clinging to his legs, finding his regal way of speaking to be funny! You do eventually shoo them off, but that didn’t stop you from giggling when you saw one of the greatest magicians in the world getting mobbed by children--and taking it quite well, too!

[letshideoutandread]

24 songs for Kate Sharma and Anthony Bridgerton

for @lizzibennet. surprise! thank you for all the content you create <3

1. Bundle of Joy by Michael Giacchino (just think about the fact that both kate and anthony are children born of pure love and yet both for some reason denied it from themselves for so long????? idiots)

2. The Best Day by Taylor Swift (both of them have daddy issues. so)

3. Everything Else from Next to Normal (VERY obsessive anthony vibes here. mozart was crazy and so is he)

4. Sola by Jessie Reyes (okay this is in spanish and i encourage you to look up the translated lyrics and think about kate. the pre-chorus: “i’m not the type of woman that your mom wants to see you with. i’m lacking in so many other things, and so many others fail me. i could never please you.” HELLLOOOOOOO????? )

5. 20 Something by SZA (both their 20s suck tbh)

6. Being Alive by Steven Sondheim (I ALREADY WENT OVER THIS WITH @lizzibennet THIS IS THE ANTHEM BOYS)

7. Starting to Get To You by Jensen McRae (just such a specifically applicable song??? and jensen is so so good. her lyrics drive me consistently insane??? also “she took your crown but she can’t hurt you now. i will lay my weapons down.” tell me you’re not thinking of siena and kate and the impacts they had on anthony’s perception of love)

8. It’s Nice to Have a Friend by Taylor Swift (modern au childhood best friend vibes im just saying)

9. Don’t Make It Harder On Me by Chloe x Halle (so many of these songs past this point are just “please stop being so you or i will fall in love”. anthony’s “you have to STOP “ meet chloe’s “I need you to STOP”)

10. Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here by Deborah Cox (YEAH)

11. Pink in the Night by Mitski (YUP)

12. To Be So Lonely by Harry Styles (“and i’m just an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry. don’t call me baby again…” like hi anthony didn’t know you ghostwrote for harry styles)

13. I Didn’t Mean To Fall In Love by Snoh Aalegra (self explanatory. also groovy)

14. To Know Him Is To Love Him by Amy Winehouse (cry)

15. Garden (Say It Like Dat) by SZA (“YOU’LL NEVER LOVE ME, BUT I BELIEVE YOU WHEN YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT” LIKEEEEEEEE PLEASE THIS ONE IS PERFECT FOR KATE)

16. Love Affair by UMI (another not very widey known song that’s surprisingly applicable here. inspired by anthony’s “wanting to run away with you” line because it’s so sweet and so overlooked. so here’s a sweet often overlooked one song for that)

17. Hold Out by Aly & AJ (again just another really sweet song about what it means to be vulnerable and depend on someone else. learn to let people catch you when you deel like you’re falling. hyper-independent older siblings im looking at y’all)

18. Same Team by Labrinth and Steffon Don (super fun super groovy super romantic)

19. Romantic Flight by John Powell (literally this is from the How to Train Your Dragon score. i don’t know why it’s on here. it’s romantic and it belongs.)

20. To Be Loved by Adele (opening yourself up to love is so scary but so worth it and this song is all about that. this one reminds me most of violet more than anyone else tbh and that makes it so much more heartbreaking)

21. Slow Dancing by Aly & AJ (aj michalka and her husband wrote this about being separated in recent years due to COVID and just listen. think about kate and anthony dancing the days of their marriage away and dreaming of doing so when they’re apart. its about the YEARNING. and the SAXOPHONE.)

22. Bound To You from Burlesque (listen to the first verse and think of them and don’t cry i dare you)

23. Rather Die Young by Beyoncé (FULL CIRCLE PEOPLE. anthony “i can’t let anyone love me because i’m destined to die young” bridgerton is a fucking idiot. anthony “i would rather die young than live my life without kate” is a fucking icon)

24. Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine (yeah it’s the wedding song from twilight what did you expect)

im unable to make this into something linkable, but feel free!

[puckngrind]

Leave Her Wild: chapter 3 - N. MacKinnon

Summary: MacKenzie heads to Washington and cashes in her bet with Nathan.

Warnings: swearing, fluff and stuff

Word count: 2,565 (swear they will get longer)

Series masterlist / Puck ‘n Grind’s masterlist

Washington.

The two texted back and forth over the week. Mostly randomness with a splash of real life. A friendship was blooming with the text conversation but what else could come of it? Neither one seemed to want to touch the subject. Kenzie wasn't even sure what to make of the attention from Nate. She threw herself into work as she normally would.

MacKenzie spent a few days in Colorado Springs for work but took advantage of her time off by hiking the Garden of the Gods. She was was halfway through Palmers trail when she feels her phone and decides to stop for water and take in the view plus check her phone thinking it was work. She laughs to herself realizing it was in fact not work.

Nate: how’s Colorado Springs?

She snaps a picture of her view and sends it.

Kenzie: gorgeous as always

Nate: holy shit are you hiking alone?

Kenzie snaps a selfie where you can see she’s alone and sends it.

Kenzie: don’t worry not anything too dangerous today. Lol

Nate: ok… not worried. Anyways, thought maybe dinner could be in DC since we will both be there next week.

Kenzie thinks about it and starts walking again. She realizes dinner out of town may in fact make things less awkward.

Kenzie: depends on my schedule but that should work

Nate: good. Enjoy the rest of your hike.

MacKenzie did just that. One thing most people knew about her was she loved adventures and trying new things. She rarely goes to the same vacation spot twice. Always wanting to try new restaurants and really only frequents Gus’s place in Denver. She liked to be free which drove her mother insanely crazy but MacKenzie didn’t seem to care. Her dad was her biggest supporter. Constantly sending her wanderlust Instagram posts after she taught him how. At least her mom had home in Kenzie’s brother, Cameron. Cam was doing everything he was expected to do including recently proposing to his high school sweetheart which Kenzie thought was dumb as seniors in college. His life was his life that was for sure, well and maybe their mother's life too. She couldn't control Kenzie which meant Cam got all of her energy.

The flight to D.C. was a breeze but busy would be an understatement as MacKenzie met her client at the end of the week. The demands were insane in the time frame. She spent almost all weekend in her hotel room working and talking with her team back in Colorado.

Nate: would you want to come to the game? I have tickets.

Kenzie: I would love to but I don’t even know if I can do dinner I’m so swamped

Nate: you need to eat right?

Kenzie: I mean, yeah. I’ll order in

Nate: how about you come to my hotel, we have an amazing restaurant here. You can work and eat

MacKenzie thought it over as she looked out her window. Walking the block and a half to Nathan’s hotel tomorrow night seemed doable. He had a point that she needed to eat and could work while they ate. It would complete their wager from the card game in the same instance. Wondered if Gabe or one of the other players would be around to ensure the dinner happened. MacKenzie thought she wouldn’t have the awkwardness of it feeling like a date this way. Plus, she wanted to try the restaurant out since last time she was in town and another client mentioned it. Mosi was all for the dinner when she called ensuring Kenzie her condo's mail was indeed checked. She thought this was the perfect arrangement and MacKenzie couldn’t find a reason to say no. Thinking Nate would already be at the arena for the game she sent a text.

Kenzie: Yes, to dinner at your hotel if you are still up to it after the game

She starts typing away again and laughs when the ping is almost immediate.

Nate: Perfect. I'll text you when we are back on the bus.

MacKenzie decided to turn the game on while she worked. She normally would have something on as background noise while she worked. She knows she can get lost in work and wanted to make sure she knew to pack up her laptop and such waiting for Nathan's call. She hears his name and looks up to see him score with less than a minute left. The Avalanche was already been leading but that goal ensured their win. She decided to change then couldn’t decide if she should pack up her work yet. “How sure how much time would he take between the game and the bus?” Kenzie asked her reflection. She texted him nice game to see if he would respond. He did a few moments later so she packed up slowly. Kenzie walks down to the street turning to head over to his hotel, humming to herself trying to not over think this very simple dinner. She slows down as she sees the charter bus in front of the hotel. Fuck.

"MAAAAC! Good to see you!" Gabe's voice comes booming out of the bus with some others chiming in as the stepped off the bus. MacKenzie awkwardly smiles at the team and then catches Nathan out the side of her eye. He’s staring at her as he walks down the step.

"Did you walk?" Nathan looks down at MacKenzie puzzled.

"Well, hello. Nice game. And yes. Just two blocks." MacKenzie pulls at her loose curl and then slides her finger down her messenger bag.

"Ready for dinner? I see you brought your work." Nathan taps her bag with his knuckle. MacKenzie nods and follows Nathan into the hotel. She awkwardly stops and he realizes it. “Whatcha doin’ there?” Nate walked back so he was standing in front of Kenzie.

“Isn’t the restaurant that way?” She points in the direction of the sign she stopped next to.

“Yes but they deliver to the room and I’d rather change into sweats and let you work in comfort.” He pulls at his tie. “Less eyes too. Come on.” Nathan placed his hand briefly on MacKenzie’s lower back to lead her to the elevator.

“I normally take the stairs.” MacKenzie looks around Nate for the steps.

“My room is on floor 12 and I just had over 20 minutes of ice time. Can we please take the elevator?” Nathan looked into MacKenzie’s questioning eyes.

“Fine. You have a point.” She smiles but gets lost calculating if that time is high or low for him.

They make their way to Nathan’s room. MacKenzie is surprised how nice it is. She’s not sure what she expected but it wasn’t this. Nathan’s suits neatly hanging up. Sweats sitting in his open luggage next to the closet. She realizes he hasn’t moved from behind her.

“Everything okay?” He moves to grab a pair of shorts and shirt.

“Yeah. Just not what I was expecting. You literally live out of suitcase don’t ya?” She watches him take off his suit coat and gulps at how his shirt is sticking to him.

“Some trips it feels like that. This one we won’t be home until the 26th… then a home stand with a few games on the road… and I’m boring you. Set up wherever you want and I’m gonna go change then will be right back.” He heads to the bathroom shut the door softly.

MacKenzie stares at the uncomfortable looking desk chair in a moment of indecision wanting to be set up so she’s working when Nate returns, she decides the bed was a better option for her to sit. Getting out her laptop Kenzie starts typing as soon as she hears Nate opening the door. He smirks when he sees Kenzie on the bed and moves to the desk to find the menu. She cannot help watching him. His muscles easily seen in the shirt and shorts he picked. He hikes up his pant leg exposing his thigh. Kenzie coughs focusing back on her work again.

"Here it is." Nathan turns around and walks towards MacKenzie handing her the menu. She stares at the menu then her finger lands on a cheeseburger and fries. Nathan moves to the other side of the bed, sitting to call in the order. He hangs up and starts to move.

"You can stay here. That chair is horrible looking." MacKenzie looks over at Nathan and he stops moving then looks down at his feet before swinging them up and adjusting to sit on the bed.

"Thanks." He looks over at her screen. "So what exactly do you do?"

"Simple description... I am a social media consultant." MacKenzie giggles. "Speaking of... your social media..." "Is non-existent." Nathan finishes her statement.

"Yeah, only two posts. That’s shocking for someone your age. Nate, do you know how you could amplify your earnings post career?" MacKenzie moves her computer and shift so look at him. He rubs the back of his neck and rotates on his hip to look at her better.

"Yeah. No, yeah. I get it. Just not my thing but you looked at my socials?" He bites his lip.

"I did after we ran into you at the bar post-game. Would've felt funny giving you my number if you had a girlfriend." MacKenzie admits.

"No girlfriend. So did you say you watched the game?" Nate changes the subject which Kenzie made a mental note of.

"Background noise while working. You can turn the tv on now or just talk to me. You scored." Kenzie looks over at Nathan.

"Empty netter but yeah. Nice win." Nathan says softly. The knock on the door stops their conversation. "Oh, dinner!" Nathan pops up and answers the door.

Dinner was delicious. The two shared backgrounds such as where they were from, college for MacKenzie, boarding school and early days of hockey for Nathan. They were laughing at each other's stories which lead to both laying on their stomachs watching a video for MacKenzie's work on her laptop.

"Kenz... Kenzie. Wake up!" Nathan whispers and MacKenzie's groggy self pops up and lands on Nathan's naked torso.

"Holy fuck!" She yells out. Nathan's hands steady her.

"Hey." Nathan backs up and bends to look her in face. Panic written all over her face. "You okay? We fell asleep talking." He looks at her.

"Why didn't you wake me? What time is it? Fuck. Sorry. I'm on a schedule." MacKenzie pulls away and looks for her bag realizing Nathan plugged her computer in at some point.

"It's 6:30. We just slept. I sleep shirtless and, uh, must've taken it off in my sleep. Sorry, should've put in on before I woke you. Hold on." Nathan moves to the other side of the bed and throws his shirt back on. "Let me call you an uber." He grabs his phone.

"I can walk. I don't have a meeting until noon so I'm fine. Thank you." MacKenzie points to the bathroom and Nathan nods.

She stands in front of the mirror for way too long just looking at herself. Pinches her cheeks and starts ranking her fingers through their loose blonde curls making them manageable enough to put up in a high ponytail. She grabs Nathan’s toothpaste and brushes her teeth with her finger.

“Well, Mac. This will have to do.” She bobs on the balls of her feet to psych herself up. Returning to the room she notices that Nathan had changed and slipped on some shoes. “Whatcha doin’ Nate?”

“I’ll walk with you. I wanted to grab coffee from down the street before we leave for the airport.” He grabs his wallet.

“You don’t have to.” Kenzie whispers as she heads to her bag.

“I don’t, but I wanna.” Nate smiles at her. She notices those soft eyes again. Almost gray but then again blue.

They head out of room to the steps. MacKenzie took a deep breath not realizing she was holding it until they got to the door.

“Why good morning you two!” Gabe’s voice comes from around the corner with a bag and coffee in hand.

“Mornin’” Nate answers and pushes the cross walk button.

“Glad to see you Kenzie.” Gabe nods and starts whistling while heading back to the hotel.

“Don’t mind him.” Nate breaks the silence after crossing the street.

“I’m assuming he’s thinking you got lucky last night.” MacKenzie tries to control her racing heart.

“I’ll talk to him.” Nathan assures her. She stops and looks up at him.

“Did you want to?” She puts her hand on her head not sure she really said it out loud.

“What?” Nathan stops and looks at her confused.

“Did you want to sleep with me?” She looks to see if anyone could hear her.

“No. Well… damnit. Hi. Let me start over.” Nathan looks deep in her eyes and cups her face.

“Go ahead.” She’s not sure if the words actually could be heard or not.

“I like you. You are easy to talk to. In the short time I’ve known you I’m constantly wanting to know more. I’m just bad at dating.”

“Why do you say that?” She moves closer to him without thinking.

“I’m not romantic. Plus my job isn’t the easiest for most of the year to maintain a healthy relationship. Plus, there is those who just want me for what I could give them.” He drops his hand to her hip. She sees his chest rise and fall.

“Who says you aren’t romantic?” MacKenzie questions.

“Every girl I’ve dated.” Nathan grumbles. This makes Kenzie laugh. “Well, they have.”

“I like you too, Nate. You intrigue me.” She feels the heat in her cheeks.

“So to answer your original question, yes. I would very much like to be physical with you but I also want to date you. Like not to fuck it up by…” She stops him by pushing herself to her tip toes to softly kiss his cheek.

“Well, saying all that is a start in how not to fuck it up.” She smiles at him. “Let’s get me back to my hotel then we can visit this whole dating thing when you return to Denver.” She starts walking and he quickly grabs her hand to walk with her.

“Here we are.” He stops at the doors of her hotel. “So, I’ll see you in two weeks, Kenzie.” Nathan drags out the two while contorting his face.

“It’s not that long plus you will be busy and I have this plus another project to finish before then.” She rubs the back of his hand with her thumb realizing how large his hand was in comparison which could crush her hand if he wanted. “Thanks for dinner Nate.”

“Can I?” He starts and gulps. MacKenzie watches his Adam’s apple bob. “Can I kiss you?” He asks with a quiver in his voice. She nods her head yes. Nate brings his hands up to her jaw holding her face up while he leans in pressing his lips to hers. Kenzie kisses him back and cannot remember a first kiss quiet like that. He releases while sucking in a deep breath.

“I…” Kenzie touches her lips.

“Well, see you soon Kenzie.” He kisses her forehead then turns quickly to head back down the street leaving Kenzie wanting more.

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS:  https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation 

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things: 

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper   fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh. 

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami. 

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience. 

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly. 

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control 

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it 

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™  for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

[lover-of-trash-and-people]

shadow and bone rewatch s1e6 while drinking mid-range scotch

I wish I have a face that is as unlined and pretty as Ben Barnes' when I'm 39

Arken you dirty dirty liar

the face Alek is making at his lies that he knows are lies firstly because he knows the art of lying so well and also because he can read people very well

okay Ivan is kind of a bad bitch with his smirk at Arken's lies

alek's eyes narrowing and his little smile when Arken says 'im an entertainer' bitch I love this show

*grabs hand, pulls up sleeve, and discovers Arken's hand is full of marks indicating successful passages through the fold* 'well, that is certainly entertaining' I love this man with all my heart

him screaming is so fucking hot, is that weird for me to say

Nina being the Darkling's spy is quite interesting

Ben giving the Darkling crazy eyes when Arken owns up to his guilt is so cool

also wtf is Arken a fool trying to negotiate with possibly the strongest man in the world

kind of loved the darkness literally eating him

also love Alina learning to use her powers better when she is alone than when she is with anyone else, wish we got to see the cut in this season as per the books, ah can't have everything I guess

the camera pan to Jesper's gun at his side, amazing

god Jessie is literally so beautiful I need to see her bring Alina to the peak of her power so bad

netflix you better renew this series to let the plot run to its completion

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY CAST THE CROWS SO PERFECTLY

INEJ FUCKING TREMBLING JUST THE TINIEST BIT AS SHE BOWS SLIGHTLY TO ALINA SGSHSBSJJSJSSJ MY TWO QUEENS

'And where is my Summoner?' my little Darklina heart ouchie I really wish you hadn't used and manipulated her like this Alek it was incredibly fucked up especially considering you actually caught feelings

'Ivan and I won't fail you' oh Fedyor my baby, my angel, you don't deserve what is coming

Helnik literally recreating Titanic lmao stop this is a joke

I too would jump off the raft if I came to consciousness to see a gorgeous woman with magical powers with her hand on my back

omg but why is ryevost so pretty though

'I know exactly how she felt. The King's soldiers treated me the same way... I'm not myself today.' why must you do this to me, why must you fuel my darklina soulmates agenda idiocy

I don't quite think I have a problem with the Zoya Darkling relationship as much as I have a problem with the line they chose to reveal it to use with.

my drink's over and I don't know if I should have another, considering that it's 7 am

the tenderness with which he looks at Zoya and takes her hand and then when he says 'I shall relax when I have Alina' makes me believe more that the man that is reduced to tears time and again in front of Alina could in fact be the master manipulator I know him to be

god I can't wait for Zoya's character arc

'I speak six languages, it's part of my job' why is Nina literally the fucking coolest

Alina blinding the oprichniki was so hot, I can't wait to see more of her power and her ruthlessness

I know I've said it before but good god is Jessie Mei Li gorgeous

HER LITTLE SMILE AMONGST ALL THE PANIC AS SOON AS SHE SEES MAL, THE AUDACITY OF THIS SHOW TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY

THE SCORE COMING IN AT THE RIGHT MOMENT, THEIR HANDS MEETING, HER SMILE AGAIN DHDHSBSNSNSNSNAN IM IN PAIN

REALLY?! YOU'RE GONNA GO DIRECTLY FROM MALINA TO HELNIK WITH NO CONCERN FOR MY HEART?

I simply cannot get over Calahan's accent lmao it's really funny

'im not afraid of you' he says to the insanely gorgeous girl with magic

HIM HANGING HIS HEAD IN DEFEAT TO INDICATE NINA HAS MADE VALID POINTS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND I CAN'T BREATHE

'You're just a man. Like all the others.' she says and then forgets her train of thought looking at him as he strips. god I love this

not sleeping all night and then scotch is not a good idea, I think

'I promise not to ravish you' 'I hate the way you talk' her hand on his chest, his hand gripping hers, my fucking heart feels like it's about to explode

good god these shooting locations and sets are so beautiful

Alina throwing the flask at Mal and Mal going 'OI!' I fucking can't, I guess I am a

simp for childhood friends to lovers, give me more of that banter and childhood friend energy, I am thriving

wow it literally seems like they took book! Mal sl*tshaming book! Alina and made show! Alina sl*tshame show! Mal, hmm, interesting

'They would have split us up!' MAL'S LITTLE SMILE AT THIS, and the 'You wrote me letters?' Mal's nod, the Malina yearning stare, the Malina hug, 'thank you for finding me' 'always. I'll always find you.' NO MALINA YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE MADE ME ABSOLUTELY FUCKING FERAL

I understand they had to split time between my ravkan babies and the crows and that is why there were several aspects that were sort of not reflected on enough but Alina's training at the Little Palace, Alina's cut, Mal's personality, a teensy bit of backstory for the crows, maybe one lockpicking scene from my boy Kaz

random note: we have far too many idols and paintings and pictures and whatnot of Hindu deities in our house apart from the specially designed temple (we are Hindus, so maybe it's not that weird but it's a little weird)

Kaz's cane is a literal star, it's so beautiful my heart wants to explode

'Why would Heleen get the Crow Club?' *literally fucking gets up and walks aways instead of answering the fucking question* I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE I'M LOSING MY MIND

'I know that voice' WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FIGHT FOR PLATONIC SHIPS IN FANDOMS

'We won't starve' omg get you someone who packs food for you when you go on the run together hiding from your ex who wants to capture you and use your powers as a weapon against your consent

Mal looking surprised at her summoning sunlight, Alina looking cautiously at him waiting for him to disapprove or run for the hills in fear or smth like that, 'I'm sorry it took me this long to see you... But I see you now' my dumb little shipper trash heart ouch

they really said we're gonna feed you this part asian couple as the protagonists in this show in 2021 and guess what I'm eating it's really tasty I'm very satisfied as a south asian

NINA'S LITTLE SMILE WHEN MATTHIAS WAKES UP WITH HIS ARM AROUND HER

'I can feel how much you hate sleeping next to me' 👀👀👀 BITCH SAID IMMA SPILL THE TEA AND THEN SHE DID

it's 8 am and guess what I'm getting another drink my parents have c*vid and are in govt qu*r*ntine centres there is nobody to supervise or stop me

I too say 'Why do you have to say things like that?' to my pretty crush when she flirts with me

Nina smiling at Matthias bragging about his conservative ways is my aesthetic

'No, it's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall and yet, oh, there you stand.' MY FUCKING QUEEN

Matthias laughing uncontrollably at Nina saying something which isn't even that funny is a whole ass vibe

Kaz Brekker saying 'The Black General' ooh fuck yeah

YESSSS STEP OUT OF THAT CARRIAGE ALL SEXY BLACK GENERAL

isn't alcohol supposed to like kill germs? well, the amount in my system definitely will

I love my crows so much (always but this time particularly for setting that alarm in the stolen carriage)

ooh Polina recognising Inej by the knife yesss let's go writers

this Ivan Jesper showdown is all I needed from life and yet did not know about

Ivan taking off his cloak was, um, sexier than I wanted it to be

I just realised how thirsty I am going to sound in this post

'Has no one told you that keftas are Fabrikator-made and resistant to bullets, hmm?' 'Oh, I do love a challenge' LITERALLY EVERYTHING

im sorry to be pointing out flaws in a perfect show and adaptation but the line delivery on 'You robbed me of my brother, now I'll rob you of your life' from Polina was kind of weak

'You're a-' *gets knocked out with the back of a gun* LMAO we love the hints

got excited at the prospect of kaz v. zoya until I realised they will not be letting the opportunity of kaz v. darkling pass up

my goodness is Amita Suman a splendid actress

I AM NOT KIDDING WHEN I TELL YOU I SQUEALED WHEN I SAW DARKLES EMERGE OUT OF THE SHADOWS IN FRONT OF MY BABY BOY KAZ

THERE BEING ACTUAL FEAR OR ATLEAST DOUBT ON KAZ'S FACE, THE LITTLE BACK STEPS AS

THE DARKLING WALKS TOWARDS HIM, AAAAH I CAN'T

THE DARKLING STOPPING AT KAZ SAYING 'SHE FLED ON HER OWN' AND THE HINT OF TEARS THAT WE SEE IN HIS EYES

'IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR SHE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BEING A CAPTIVE ANYMORE' YOU TELL HIM, KING

*ACTUAL FUCKING TEARS IN THE DARKLING'S EYES AS THE SHADOWS APPROACH*

NOT ME YOWLING LIKE A HYENA THAT THIS CHILD OUTSMARTED THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN EXISTENCE WITH A FAKE MAGIC TRICK

'Are you sure you added enough cloves?' literally warranting a wide ass smile from my queen Alina making my entire fucking day

for some reason, no matter how much I push it from my mind, Ben Barnes dressed up as the Darkling, dancing to 'push it' keeps coming to mind, it's absolutely ridiculous

I got somehow distracted with interviews but good things came out of that as it gave my body the time for the booze to kick in

and I would just like to say that I love Leigh for all she has given me

Alina is so fucking compassionate, I have no much love for her. I can feel her guilt and her sorrow as Mal talks of Mikhail and Dubrov

don't particularly like how the stag plotline is woven in, could have been executed better

'You're afraid you might start to like me?' *flaps furs like a bird's wings in frustration*

'I DO like you' my fucking heart you idiots

the sexual tension is so palpable and the moment is so intimate I simply cannot

OMG SHE FUCKING FELL

that moment where you think he might let her fall despite having read the books and he doesn't and he tells her his name I- <3

YOU DARE TRANSITION FROM A HELNIK SCENE TO A KANEJ SCENE YOU REALLY HAVE NO MERCY FOR MY HEART HUH

people have talked about this endlessly but Freddie's little jaw tic after he says Inej because Inej is wounded and he can't physically bring himself to help her I fucking cannot

THE MUSIC PICKING UP AS KAZ LOOKS TO THE DARKLING'S CARRIAGE I CAN'T WITH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

and now for one of my favorite scenes in television and cinematic history, David Kostyk throwing a book at Jesper Fahey without even knowing who he is merely because he opens the door of his carriage and says hello to him before getting knocked out by Kaz Brekker while trying to run away

Immediately followed by another, the scene with David Kostyk raising his finger to put forward his point in front of the Darkling and the Darkling trying to let him know he doesn't have to before obliging is one of my favourite scenes in the world

also sir please stop being devastatingly attractive in your glorious appearance with your face and your black kefta and cloak because all that comes to mind is Ayesha Erotica's Emo Boy and I'm afraid that is terribly inappropriate.

'No, you look great.' *literally looks down from embarrassment or blushing* MALINA RIGHTS?

THE LOOK ON THE DARKLING'S FACE BEFORE HE SAYS 'NO ORDINARY TRACKER, NO ORDINARY GIRL' BITCH IM OUT OF BREATH

'ORPHANS OF KERAMZIN, REUNITED.' 'ADORABLE.' HE FUCKING SNEERED IRL I FUCKING CANNOT

GOD IT'S SO GOOD

[denimbex1986]

A Note On The Mistreatment & Bullying Of Sebastian Stan

@infinitecrime: Sebastian has never, ever said that he doesn't make mistakes, that he always gets everything right, that he has 0 ignorance or areas he could improve, or that all criticism of him in the world is simply mindless hate. In fact, quite the opposite. Throughout his entire career he's been uncommonly engaged with his fans, open to criticism, and commited to learning and getting better. He's consistently reminded us that he isn't perfect, he's human, and he makes mistakes.

He's still yet to directly call out the people who are making his life a living hell, but has, in recent interviews, hinted at how the toxic behaviour of the fanbase has been getting to him - particularly the hypersensitivity of fans who willfully dissect his every word to find something to bash him with, and will twist everything he does to be negative. It's ironic that his point has been proven tenfold by people picking apart his words and trying to make even his basic acknowledgement of what you have all being doing to him for the last year problematic. If you heard him taking about bullies and harassment and thought "hey, he's aiming that at me!", then I don't know what to tell you. Why do you see yourself in that description?

He's allowed to be affected by literally years of abuse and harassment. He's allowed to be upset by intense stalking and leaking of his home address (twice!) and phone number. He's allowed to be disturbed by people sending his friends and loved ones vile racist, xenophobic and misogynistic abuse on a daily basis and pretending that's somehow social justice. He's allowed to have a reaction to death threats, rape threats and countless messages telling him to kill himself. He's allowed to want freedom to make his own choices about his personal life without consulting a bunch of random kids. He's allowed to show human emotion and not want his life dissected and controlled by a mob of total strangers. He's allowed to react to near daily attempts to end his career and/or life over often made up or exaggerated bad faith accusations. He's allowed to call the people who have openly admitted their goal is "to bully him off the internet" what they are: bullies. And he is more than allowed to fucking stand up for himself and call out bullies and stalkers. He has a right to defend himself, to call out the abuse, and to be angry or sad about it. And he's been far more polite and indirect about all this than any of you deserve.

He's not "playing the victim". He is the victim. The only person who has had tangible harm done to them is him. Not you. He hasn't done anything to you. He hasn't sent you death threats, told you to kill yourself, or abused or stalked you. You cannot police the way he reacts or criticise him for struggling mentally after you've subjected him to a 3000 on 1, year long, 24/7 beat down. Relentlessly harassing someone and then mocking or criticising them for daring to react to it is such a typical abuse tactic I genuinely can't understand how you don't see what you are and what you're doing to another human being. You're not making the world a better place or achieving anything at all. You're not the good guy. You're no one's saviour.

The post above is HUGELY Important. Not just lately, as a result of the hatred, vitriol and crap Seb has had directed at him in recent days, but more generally. Some people forget that Seb is actually human - he has thoughts and feelings just like everyone else and it utterly appalls me the way some individuals have completely disregarded this fact. He has spent more than a decade in the spotlight - closer to two as a whole - and had to tolerate people giving him shit over various things on and off for years. 

Now, I’m all for people calling him out on inappropriate comments he’s made/things he’s done etc., but it must be noted he HAS apologized for most of these instances. What I don’t - and what no-one should support or condone - is people continuing to criticize him not just for such things he’s apologized for, and constantly dragging them back up, sometimes even years later, just to cast him in a bad light or in an attempt to “cancel” him, but in general; things like criticizing his projects and the way he looks etc. Nor should anyone support or partake in such appalling, disrespectful actions and behaviours such as stalking him or leaking his address and I’m sickened by the fact that some people have in fact done this. 

To think Seb - particularly as someone who has spoken time and time again about suffering with anxiety - wasn’t ever going to be or isn’t affected by any of this is utterly insane. If things like this were to happen to us, there is NO WAY we wouldn’t be affected, negatively, by it, so it is unfair to think or assume that Seb is or would be any different. He has every right to call the people who make his life miserable, particularly the scores of people who seem to take so much pride in tearing him down and criticizing him online bullies because that is exactly what they are. 

People have said he’s been wrong in the past few days to in some way hint at or address the actions of some people/their intrusion/obsession with him and constant barrages of hatred etc. in his recent interviews. NO. HE’S NOT. He’s used and is using the platform he has to get a message across - just as those who spout and direct shit at him do - that he is aware of what people are saying and doing, and that it does affect and is affecting him. The fact he’s done it so politely is testament to his character, and as @infinitecrime says above, such politeness is far more than the bullies and haters deserve. 

The fact of the matter is Seb is and will forever be a far better person than any of those who find pleasure in causing him harm; emotional, mental or otherwise. He is a person who brings pleasure to the lives of millions of people, not only through his work, but through his kind heart and his compassion. He has had and continues to have an ultimately positive impact on this world and for that he should be very proud. The same cannot and should not be said for those who find joy in bringing and causing him pain.

[tripleaxeldiaz]

maybe one day i’ll fly next to you

chapter 4/8

read on ao3

start from the beginning

“Buck!”

Buck nearly slices his hand on the skate he’s supposed to be sharpening when he hears May’s voice. He drags his eyes away from ice long enough to see her, Chim, and Maddie looking at him expectedly. Apparently, that wasn’t the first time she’d said his name.

“Sorry, what?”

“I said we’re going to that Thai place on Sawtelle for dinner, do you wanna come?”

“Oh, uh—” his eyes drift back in time to see Eddie land his cleanest quad lutz all day, and he tries not to smile. “I’ve got a session with Hen in a little bit, maybe tomorrow?”

“You okay, Buckaroo?” Chim asks. “You look...forlorn.”

Buck snorts and shakes his head. “I’m fine, just tired.”

Chim shrugs as he follows the girls out of the rink. Buck tries to focus, tries to get lost in the back and forth of sharpening, but he keeps getting distracted by Eddie’s practice and the way he commands the ice even when no one’s scoring him. He feels an ache in his chest watching him, a dull one but still there — it’s been a month since Skate America, and they still have lunch and hang out and everything is fine, but there’s also a tension between them now, the tension of knowing what it’s like to have their hands on each other, what the other one tastes like, and wanting to do it more. 

They make eye contact as Eddie heads for the locker room, and he sends Buck a smile so warm Buck swears it’s better than sunshine.

He keeps thinking this waiting thing is going to get easier, but it really, really hasn’t.

“Did you guys get a divorce or something?” Buck jumps as Hen sits down next to him and starts lacing up her skates. 

“What? We haven’t— We never— What?” Buck asks, voice an octave higher than normal. 

Hen levels him with an unimpressed look. “Don’t give me that. You went from hating him to being attached at the hip to staring at him like a lovesick puppy in like six weeks. Either this is a lover’s spat, or it’s some kinky roleplay thing that I don’t actually want to know anything about.”

Buck doesn’t think he’s ever blushed so hard or so fast in his whole life. “Jesus, it’s none of those things! We—” he looks around quickly before turning back and lowering his voice, “we did kiss, at Skate America, but it was just once and we decided to...pause any next relationship steps until after the Olympics.”

“Why? You’re allowed to date teammates, that’s not against the rules.”

“I know, but—” he’s not sure how to explain I can’t stop thinking about him but that makes me lose focus and as much as I want to make out with him I also want to beat him at every possible competition without sounding insane, so he settles on “we just don’t want any distractions.”

“So you’re gonna pine for each other from afar for the next three months, because that’s less distracting than actually being together?”

Buck pauses lacing up his own skates. “Okay, so maybe it’s not a great plan.”

Hen shrugs as she pushes off from the boards, skating backwards so Buck can still see her skeptical frown. “It might be easier to handle if you just embrace it now. I know it’ll be easier for me to handle.”

Maybe she’s right, a little voice in his head whispers, because it makes sense. But at the same time, a relationship is something he’s never had to factor into competition season before, so he’s honestly not sure how to navigate it. Maybe it starts great, they’re mooning over each other, but then one of them has a bad showing, and it leads to animosity or jealousy or some other ugly thing that would drive a wedge back between them when they’d (he’d) just overcome it. Buck cares about Eddie, cares about their friendship, their potential relationship, Eddie’s general happiness. But he also cares about his career, about his own dreams, and call him selfish or single minded, but he really cares about winning the Olympics. And he’s not willing to risk hurting any of those things by jumping into something too quickly.

He wants to do this with Eddie, but he wants to do this right, when he can make Eddie a top priority like he deserves. If that means he has to endure a few more months of pining, then fine. Come February, it’ll all be more than worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, he’s sitting cross-legged at center ice, staring off at nothing, when he sees Eddie skating over to him out of the corner of his eye. He doesn’t say anything, just sits down next to Buck, copying his position, and inviting himself into the reflective silence Buck’s created in the dim morning light.

He finds he doesn’t mind the company so much. 

“Are we meditating?” Eddie whispers eventually, like he still respects the quiet even though he has no idea what it’s for. 

“Something like that,” Buck says, and Eddie nods, lets them fall back into their own thoughts. It makes Buck melt a little bit, a welcome relief from the incessant buzzing he’s been feeling under his skin all morning.

The truth is, Buck hasn’t been able to make himself move for about 20 minutes. He came in for one last early practice before they’re supposed to fly to Japan, fell on every single jump he attempted, and eventually just didn’t get back up. He had half hoped giving up would spurn his stubborn streak to try one more time one last jump, but instead he just sat, his worries burying him deeper and deeper like freshly fallen snow.

He groans and leans back, laying flat on the ice, trying to focus on the bite of the cold on the back of his head instead of anything else. Eddie follows suit to mirror him again, and Buck’s stupidly grateful that he’s here. He turns his head to face him and is met with eyes glowing honey colored in the sunlight.

“I’m really worried about fucking everything up,” he says in a rush, like Eddie’s gaze pulled it right out of him before he could put all is walls up and lock them, pretend like he’s still strong and has it all together.

“You won’t,” Eddie says with no hesitation.

Buck rolls his eyes. “You don’t know that.”

“I do. I’ve watched you skate since we were 16. I know setbacks make you fight harder.”

“This isn’t about setbacks,” he says, sitting up and resting back on his hands. “This is about going to the last GP before the Final, where everyone is warmed up and has all their kinks worked out, while I can’t even land a clean triple loop.”

Eddie, once again, sits up to mirror him. “One bad practice doesn’t mean anything. Your programs are solid, the audience and the judges love you, you really have nothing to worry about.”

“Except your perfect jumps getting in my way.”

Eddie laughs and it echoes around the rink. “Yeah, except that. But hey, if I win, I’ll let you hold the medal, just to remember what gold feels like.”

With anyone else, Buck would bristle at a joke like that, especially after a trainwreck of a practice. Hell, three months ago, he certainly wouldn’t have been okay with Eddie saying it. But now he just laughs, and he feels almost relieved, because despite their being direct competition, despite the pause they put on whatever it was they were moving towards, he still has Eddie in his corner. He might not actually know how this next week will go, but Eddie believes in him, and right now, it’s enough to finally get him up off the ice, offering a hand down to Eddie to pull him up too. They linger for a minute, hands still clasped, before Buck pulls away and glides toward the edge of the rink.

“Think you can’t beat me in a 500 meter, golden boy?”

Eddie smiles that smile that makes Buck’s stomach drop, and then he’s flashing past him, halfway around the ice before Buck can even start. They go around and around, name calling and playfully shoving, and Buck’s nerves melt away with every burst of speed and every glimpse of joy on Eddie’s face.

~~~~~~~~~~

By the time they land in Sapporo, Buck’s so exhausted he feels a little drunk. He’s never been good at sleeping on long flights, always too distracted by the endless movie choices or a trashy thriller he picked up at Hudson News or his own worries swirling in his head. He finally managed to fall asleep for an hour before he was woken up by the warm weight of Eddie’s cheek resting on his shoulder, his hair softly brushing his jaw.

His only focus after that was on keeping as still as possible for the rest of the flight.

Eddie, thankfully, takes charge of herding him through customs and to the car waiting for them at arrivals, gently steering him so he avoids people and poles while his eyes are half closed. He’s much nicer about it than Maddie ever is, and he only runs into a wall once. Eddie apologizes for it profusely, gently rubbing his head checking for bumps. Buck has to literally bite his tongue before an embarrassing string of words tumbles of his exhausted mouth.

They make it to the hotel in one piece, and Buck barely has time to take his shoes off before he passes out, starfished on the bed, soothed by the background noise of Eddie puttering around the bathroom. 30 seconds later (actually four hours but it feels much shorter), an alarm goes off, and Buck is once again herded around the room and out the door, a cup of coffee shoved into his hand as they get in the van to take them to practice. 

Thanks to the coffee and a 30 minute nap in the van, Buck’s at least awake enough to be functional when they arrive. He’s even more awake after a few laps around the rink, the wind stinging his face a better pick-me-up than caffeine. He runs his jumps with Bobby, lands them clean, and he feels good, his nerves quieted by lingering exhaustion and confidence he hasn’t been able to find in a few weeks. 

He sees Eddie by the boards, the usual thrill of having him watch running through him, pushing him just a little bit harder, but it’s quickly snuffed out when he sees that Eddie’s not alone, and he’s not even looking at the ice. Instead, he’s talking to a handsome Russian skater, one that Buck’s known since they were juniors so he knows how big of an asshole he is. He’s laughing loudly like Eddie just told the funniest joke he’s ever heard, his hand running up and down Eddie’s bicep in a much too friendly way. Buck tries to shake it off and keep focused, but after falling out of two spins and almost face planting on a three turn, Hen sends him off to stretch on his own and “get your damn head on straight”. He stalks off, passing close enough to Eddie and The Asshole to hear The Asshole ask when Eddie will have time to get dinner before going back to the States. 

Buck...he’s not jealous. He has no reason to be, he and Eddie are not dating. But he feels something boiling hot and nasty in his stomach, and he kind of wants to slam the guy’s hand with a toe pick every time his laugh pierces through the rink.

He’s being obnoxious and distracting, so Buck is pissed, but not jealous. And he is not avoiding Eddie by hiding in Chimney’s room until he’s sure Eddie’s asleep.

He does avoid him the next day, out of an abundance of caution that his brain-to-mouth filter might fail and he’ll say something he regrets, and because he does need to get his head on straight and focus like Hen said. He needs at least silver to qualify for the Final and push him a little bit further in the USFSA’s good graces, upping his chances of being named to the Olympic team in two months. He can’t do that if he’s worrying about non-existent relationship drama. So he fills the rest of the day with practice and conditioning, working hard enough that his brain quiets and he feels prepared, but not so much that he hurts himself. He sees Eddie here and there, thinks he tries to catch his eye a few times, but he’s got tunnel vision now, and nothing short of a life or death emergency will break it. 

At least, that’s how his tunnel vision used to work. 

But the next day during short programs, he sees The Asshole strutting towards Eddie again before their warm-up group goes out, and his tunnel crumbles, filling his brain with static and rubble.  

His program could have gone worse, overall, but it also certainly could have gone better. A quad loop turned triple loop and a sketchy landing on his triple axel land him in third place, meaning his free actually has to be perfect to get him to the Final. Only the six highest scoring skaters after all Grand Prix events qualify, and last he checked, he was just in sixth place but could easily be overtaken. Eddie is (surprise surprise) in first, Buck feeling a strange mix of pride and panic as he watches him execute another flawless short. It seems to be only getting stronger as the season goes on, which should also be happening for Buck, but instead it feels like he’s slowly unravelling, hurrying to spin himself back together before he loses too much ground.

The Asshole is in second. Buck has to sit on his hands during the presser so he doesn’t reach across the table and smack that smug look right off the guy’s face.

“He really said he was ‘looking forward to representing his country at the top of the Olympic podium’. Like seriously? We’re all thinking it, but no one’s conceited enough to say it out loud and on the record.”

Maddie shrugs from the other end of the bed. “Maybe it’s a language thing. Like he meant to say ‘on the podium’ instead but got confused because English is hard.”

Buck levels her with an unimpressed glare. He had come to her room right after the presser, lamenting about everything that went wrong and stupid judges and stupid Russia (“Really, Buck? The whole country?”). He’s usually grateful for Maddie’s voice of reason, but today he just needs to vent all his frustrations that have built up over the past few days. He really doesn’t care if they make sense or not.

“You should see the way he’s throwing himself at Eddie. I’ve watched him flex his arms every time Eddie’s walked past for two days. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so irritating.”

“Well, I’m sure Eddie’s not falling for it if this guy is as big of a jerk as you say he is.”

Buck stays quiet, avoiding her eyes and slowly dragging a french fry through ketchup on the room service plate in front of him. 

“Oh my god,” Maddie groans, reaching forward to shove his shoulder. “Do you really think Eddie is that shallow?”

“Well I don’t know!” Buck says. “I heard him ask Eddie out to dinner after the competition, maybe he said yes! It’s not like he’s seeing anyone.”

“It’s not like he’s seeing you, is what you mean. Since you were the one who said you two should wait until after Beijing.” 

“Whatever,” he mutters as he stabs another fry into ketchup.

Maddie shakes her head. “Jealousy is not a good look on you, Buck.”

“I’m not jealous! I’m just...concerned for my friend, and—” He stops as Maddie just stares at him like she sees right through him. Which, he supposes, is probably not hard for her to do. She reaches out for his hand, taking it in hers and squeezing gently.

“If you’re that ‘concerned’,” she says, air quotes very much implied, “then I think you should just go talk to him.”

“And say what? ‘I don’t want you to go on a date with that handsome Russian man because I want to go on a date with you, even though I was the one who said we should wait because I’m an idiot’?

“...maybe not those exact words. But you do have to go back to your room, because it’s after midnight, the free dance is in eight hours, and I need to sleep.” She all but rolls him off the bed, pulls him into a quick hug, then shoves him into the hallway. “You got this! Use your words!” she yells as the door closes behind her.

When he gets back, Eddie is still awake, reading a book and icing his right ankle. He smiles at him in greeting, that same soft smile that Buck’s pretty sure only he gets to see. The smile he definitely didn’t see whenever he saw Eddie talking to The Asshole.

Maybe not all hope is lost.

“Rough day?” Buck asks, nodding towards Eddie’s ankle.

“Think I just landed on it weird,” Eddie says. “You did really great.”

“I think the judges would say otherwise, but thanks. You were really great, too.” They swim in a semi-comfortable silence as Buck gets changed. He waffles back and forth on what to say, if it’s actually even worth saying anything at all despite what Maddie said, until he faces Eddie again and blurts out, “So are you gonna go to dinner with that Russian guy?”

Eddie just blinks at him for a second before he starts laughing. It’s not a mean laugh, it’s more like a I can’t believe you just said something that dumb laugh. Maddie has a laugh that’s very similar.

He’s still catching his breath a bit when he answers. “No, no I’m not going to dinner with that guy. You know him, right? He’s a total douche. Pretty sure he was actually holding a flex whenever he was talking to me.”

Buck sits on his bed and tries to keep his own laugh in, worried that it would come out hysterical with relief. Not that he ever really doubted Eddie’s taste or ability to take care of himself. It’s just...nice to have it confirmed.

“Plus,” Eddie says as he gets his composure back fully, “I, uh, told him I’m interested in someone else anyway. So hopefully he’ll back off for good.”

Buck freezes, his eyes locked on Eddie’s. A wave of guilt washes over him so suddenly it makes him nauseous. As dumb as his friends may think he is, he’s not that dumb — he knows what he asked of Eddie when he put this thing of theirs on hold. But hearing that Eddie’s following through, seeing it in action — it doesn’t sit right with him. It makes him feel like he’s imposing, like he’s taking away part of Eddie’s life just for the vague chance that they could have something, something that’s not even guaranteed no matter how right it feels to Buck even now.

“Eddie,” he starts, waffling again, “if you want— I mean you shouldn’t have to— I don’t want you waiting around for— for me, for us, if that’s not something you’re interested in anymore.”

There’s a beat before Eddie moves, tossing his book and the ice pack aside. He stands gingerly, favoring his left side just a little bit, and shushes Buck when he tries to protest. He crosses the short distance between their beds slowly, like he’s trying to make sure Buck doesn’t bolt before he gets to him. Carefully, he reaches down to take both of Buck’s hands in his, moving until he’s standing just between Buck’s legs. When Buck doesn’t look up (partially out of embarrassment, and partially out of marveling at how warm and good Eddie’s hands feel in his), he squeezes gently until he gets his attention. Buck finally manages to lift his head, and is met with a look so full of fondness it takes his breath away.

Eddie lets out a slow breath through his nose. “I wasn’t kidding when I said it meant something,” he says quietly, unwilling to disturb the bubble of peace they seem to form when they’re together. “So I’m still very interested. And I really don't mind the waiting. It’s only three months — we’ll be too stressed and working too hard to think about anything else anyway.”

Buck tries to talk around the lump in his throat, but he can’t, so he just nods instead, squeezing Eddie’s hands back. Something loosens in his chest, a tension he thought was coming from agonizing over his programs and his protocols, but maybe not. Maybe he’s come to rely on Eddie, on his friendship and general presence, more than he thought he has over the past few months. That confirmation that they’re moving toward something, together, makes him feel grounded in a way that he hasn’t felt in weeks.

They stay in their bubble for a little bit longer, and Buck feels himself calm even more. Eventually, Eddie squeezes his hands one more time, whispering “goodnight, Buck” before pulling away and getting back in his bed. He turns the lights off, the room falling into darkness, and Buck drifts off into a deep, dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Something’s definitely wrong. Maybe it was minor yesterday, but after landing on his ankle eight more times during his free, Eddie’s clearly favoring his left side and in a whole lot of pain. It’s clear to Buck, at least — to anyone else, Eddie is all grace and smiles as usual, easily taking first place with no way for anyone else to beat him, even with three skaters left.

But Buck knows, knows Eddie and knows that feeling of trying to push through the pain better than anyone, but he doesn’t have time to do anything about it — talk to Eddie, talk to Bobby, talk to someone — before it’s his turn to skate. He tries to shove the worry down, but that raspy little voice is back in his head, whispering about all the worst things that could be happening to Eddie, and all the worst things that could happen to him again if he fucks up his own landings. Visions of cracked bones and bandaged cuts fly through his head — flashbacks to months of bitterness and rage and uncertainty. The panic at his dream potentially slipping away from him again floods his chest and makes it hard to breathe. He swears he feels his leg seize up, just like it used to, just like it hasn’t in over a year until right now, but can’t figure out if it’s real or not.

His music starts just as his spiral does.

The first fall is, technically, his fault. He’s too close to the boards for his triple axel, so he can either crash into them when he lands or stop short and hit the ice. He loses points either way, but in the split second he has to think about it, the latter seems less embarrassing and less painful. As he stands back up, he quickly does the math in his head. Accounting for his average component scores and any potential tech panel biases, he really, really cannot afford any more screw ups. 

So, naturally, he falls again.

It’s the jolt this time — that fear that grips his entire body when he sees the ice so far below him, the memory of landing so incorrectly that he couldn’t walk for three weeks, couldn’t skate for even longer. And it’s all laced with worry for Eddie, who he knows is watching from the side, no ice on his ankle and still standing on it, trying to ignore something that’s only going to get worse. Maybe it’s projection, but he wouldn’t wish the misery he went through on anyone, not even Eddie when he couldn’t stand the sight of him, and especially not Eddie now.

He finishes by sheer force of will, his stubbornness and perfectionism overcoming his panic long enough to get him through his last step sequence and spins and to hit his final pose with a smile. The applause feels genuine, but he knows it’s not enough. It’s not even close to enough.

He finishes fifth in free skate, fourth overall, and he knows before he even sees the complete standings that he’s not going to the Final.

Luckily, since he finishes off podium, he doesn’t have any post-competition pressers or photo ops or reasons to slap on a fake smile for anyone. He goes back to his room and packs up so he has something to do with his hands. Maddie and May both text him about doing something with their last night in Japan, but the thought of going out and talking to his friends about their successes against his own failures kind of makes him want to throw up. Instead, he turns off his phone and finds a Japanese dub of Goonies playing on cable and burrows into bed in an attempt to get his brain to shut up for the first time all day.

When burrowing doesn’t work, he squishes himself into the armchair by the TV instead.

When that still doesn’t work, he paces.

That’s what he’s doing when Eddie gets back, looking worn out but still smiling, ribbon of his gold medal dangling out of his warm up jacket pocket. He waves goodbye to whoever is on the outside the door, but as soon as it’s closed, the act drops. Buck watches him sink against the door and lets out a long breath, grimacing as he tests out putting full weight on his right ankle.

Whatever anxiety Buck had managed to pace off (which really wasn’t a lot) comes back in full force, and he’s at Eddie’s side in three long steps.

“You’re hurt,” he says matter-of-factly.

Eddie shakes his head. “It’s just really sore, Buck, it’ll be better when I finally get to rest it.”

“No, it won’t be,” Buck snaps as he strides towards the ice bucket in the corner of the room to start filling up a bag. “You’ll think it’s getting better, and you’ll keep taking painkillers to take the edge off, but it’ll just keep getting worse, and you won’t even know it until your PT finally tells you it’s either two months off your feet to let it heal properly or you risk never being able to compete again.” He almost rips the bag in half as he finishes filling it with ice. He wraps it in a spare towel and shoves it at Eddie, who takes it gingerly before sitting on his bed and placing it on his ankle.

“Sounds like you’re speaking from experience,” Eddie says. 

Buck shrugs. He might know a thing or two about trying to force healing too quickly and ignoring pain, about getting a cast off two weeks too early and almost having his bone heal crooked. But his issues are not what’s important right now. 

What’s important is Eddie.

“Look, can you just—” Buck sits on the bed next to Eddie, hovering over him like he can use his body to shield Eddie from anything else that might hurt him. “Just promise me you’ll get it checked when we get home, okay? Don’t put it off, don’t wait until after the Final—”

“Hey,” Eddie says, his hand coming to Buck’s shoulder and squeezing. “I’ll go, I promise. First appointment I can get.” Buck nods, and Eddie nods with him, thumb softly pressing against his pulse point. He doesn’t feel better, but he feels less buzzy, less like he’s dangling off the edge of a cliff by the tips of his fingers.

Buck nods again, decisively, before quickly squeezing Eddie’s wrist and standing. Eddie catches his hand before he makes it very far, his eyes filled with an intensity he hasn’t seen off the ice.

“I’m okay,” he says firmly, reassuringly. “We’re okay. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.”

You don’t know that, Buck thinks, but he just quirks a smile instead before heading to the bathroom.

He closes the door behind him, sinks to the floor, and tries to let any worse case scenarios push him back over the edge.

~~~~~~~~~~

[from: Eddie] It’s a stress fracture

[from: Eddie] They said if I had landed on it a few more times it would have been much worse

[from: Eddie] Glad I listened to you

Buck feels a weird sense of relief and unease as he reads Eddie’s texts. The door to Bobby’s office shuts behind him, the sounds of the rink muffled to a dull murmur. He’s not sure why he’s here — he hasn’t done anything to get him in trouble, and they literally had practice together an hour ago.

Bobby sits at his desk, hands folded in front of him. “So I’m not sure if you heard, but Eddie—”

“—has a stress fracture in his ankle, yeah, he just told me.”

Bobby smirks before continuing. “He’ll be out for the next six weeks at least, so he’ll be missing the Final.” He pauses for what feels like dramatic effect.

Buck scrunches his brow. “Right. But what does that have to do with me? I’m second alternate, that kid from Japan should be taking his spot.”

“And he is,” Bobby says. “But the skater from Canada who qualified also has to withdraw. I guess a bad case of the stomach flu has been going through their team. He won’t be back in shape by next weekend, which means—”

“I’m in,” Buck says quietly.

Bobby nods. “You’re in.”

Buck’s first reaction is to laugh. A high pitched, hysterical laugh because he really can’t believe this is happening. He screwed up, screwed up bad, but he’s getting a second chance, by some twist of fate or intervention from the universe or however the hell this happened. Bobby keeps talking about flights and practice schedules, and Buck hears him, but not really, because all he feels is relieved. Relieved that his Olympic chances maybe won’t be as squashed as he thought, and relieved that he gets a chance to prove himself again, to show that he can deliver and that he’s worthy.

That’s all he’s ever trying to do, really.

He leaves Bobby’s office practically floating, already texting Hen about when they can meet and tweaks he wants to make that will push his programs that much closer to perfect. He’s in the middle of calling Maddie when he gets a text back, pulling it up as she starts listing all the program improvements she has planned for her and Chim to work on since they didn’t make the Final themselves.

It’s not from Hen like he expects, it’s from Eddie — a picture of him laid up on a couch, foot in an air cast but still smiling at the camera.

[from: Eddie] Told you I’d take care of myself. I’ll be cheering you on from here

It hits him then, and he plummets back down to Earth at the reminder.

Eddie’s not coming with him.

He gets to try and keep his Olympic dreams alive, while Eddie stays home and hopes that he does enough to be healthy in time for Nationals.

A year ago, he’d be stupidly smug about a change of events like this. Now, it just makes his stomach twist and sympathy and sadness. He’ll be facing this competition alone — without his friend, his fiercest competition, his...Eddie — and no matter how much easier it might be for him to stay focused, alone is the last thing he wants to be.

[anxiouslynumbme]

Thank you, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

 Some people don't realize how difficult it is to pull off what AoS had just pulled off. Putting out seven consistently great seasons is not an easy feat. At all. You might like a season more than others or think it’s better; you might have problems with some of them. But in my humble opinion, I don’t think you can objectively claim AoS had a “bad” season. Ever. Yes, even season one. Are they perfect? Uh, no, but that's okay and, you know, normal.

It is so hard to have a good final season, even harder to have a good series finale. And AoS gave us a fantastic last season and finale. Twice.

They gave the fans two satisfying endings. And you can choose one of them; you can carry on that season five was the actual end, or you can believe in the season seven one. That is so incredibly rare, almost unheard of; some TV shows can't even land one finale right.

Nothing is perfect and AoS is no exception, but this show is a masterpiece in its own right and it's definitely one of the best shows ever made. It is iconic. Even with its imperfections and flaws, 'cause the good things heavily and strongly outweigh anything else.

I absolutely loved the finale! Were there things I wanted to see but didn't get? Of course. I wanted a lot of things. But that didn't take away from how much I enjoyed and loved it. That has always been the brilliance of this show, the writing and its execution. They might not give you everything. . .’cause they literally can't. But they always give you the important and vital stuff; and that's as perfect as it can get.

All the character development and incredibly cool, powerful moments; the absolutely beautiful and amazing score! How they tied in everything with how season six ended; it was just pure genius. I could go on for days about all the little and big things I loved; or the things I wish we could've seen and just analyze everything to bits. And I might. Just not now.

'Cause right now, I'm just so overcome with emotions and love for this show that I want nothing but to try and express my gratitude for it.

This show helped me in ways I could never properly convey; it got me through so much, and I'm positive it always will. I love it more than words could ever describe, so it almost feels pointless to try.

Honestly, all I want to do is just say thank you. Thank you so much to the wonderful creators;  and all the producers and crew, and anyone who had a hand in making this show possible. To everyone involved, thank you, thank you so much for the beauty that you created; you have no idea how much it means to all of us!  

Thank you to the brilliant and insanely talented team of writers. Thank you so much for the friends and family and romance that you have given us through these stories. Thank you for the crazy, creative, clever, and painful story-lines. Thank you for the twists, the heartache, and the joy. To the writers, I'm in awe; I want you to teach me your ways; You are beyond incredible and you deserve way more credit and respect than you get; you’ve built and created this magical world and characters for us, and I'm so thankful for you.

Thank you so much to the best cast. Yet another rare thing to have, I've honestly never seen a chemistry quite like this. None of it felt like acting. The raw, sheer talent, the Oscar-worthy performances we had the privilege to watch. This unbelievably amazing and wonderful cast deserves way more recognition, way more love, and way more respect. These characters wouldn't have meant nearly as much, if it weren't for each cast member bringing them to life on screen. To this wonderful cast, I'm in awe of your talents and abilities; you deserve all the respect and love and awards!

This magnificent show deserves all the love and respect and awards in the world!

Thank you to the incredible AoS fandom. Thank you so much to the amazingly talented and kind people on here. You're all awesome and you made experiencing the show even more fun and special.

And thank you so much to the best characters. Is it weird to thank fictional characters? Nah, it most certainly is not. Because we all know they mean more than that. These complex; brave, loyal, powerful, intelligent, resilient, caring, kind, strong, funny, bad-ass characters; they made this show what it is. They mean so, so much to me. I love them all beyond words. To my favorite characters, thank you for being the best companions, friends, comfort, escape; safe haven.

For being the best family.

Thank you, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., I'll miss you and I love you. Always.