#and from your perspective you have been drowning in stuff for so long and your thrashing instincts are kicking in

[gailynovelry]

I think about how so many resources for dealing with a hoarder house situation online come from a perspective of hatred and frustration for the person(s) perpetuating the hoarder situation in the household, and I think to myself. Would perhaps people have better results by treating the hoarder with a modicum of respect and applying harm reduction strategies to the situation? Like with addiction?

The household we live in teeters in a weird spot where multiple rooms (living room, porch, back room, guest room, upstairs bathroom) are slowly being overtaken with storage boxes.

It's not a filled-to-the-brim hoarding situation yet, but if I'm not actively organizing and cautiously removing items, it came become a really frustrating environment to live in. Blocked closets, hallways you have to squeeze through, stuff like that.

Bu I've been trying to find resources for helping someone out of a hoarding mindset, and so much "advice" approaches the person having the mindset with distaste.

"The problem with hoarders is that they don't think it's a problem!"

That's usually because they see the hoarding as a solution to some other problem, like resource insecurity, or compensating for memory loss via keepsakes. Maybe we should take those fears seriously and help them dismantle it all on their own terms?

[randomyuu]

the way it follows you home, the stories i never told

My guy Vox once again graced us with lovely Goyuu fanfics, and the way it follows you home, the stories i never told, made me go FERAL.

Time travel? Two Gojou Satorus? Double affection for our sunshine Yuuji? Yuuji sandwich? What feels like possible continuation of (you'll whisper, serpent tongue) what you fear you have become???

FUCK.

I need to stop indulging my imagination too much. I should’ve been content with writing long-ass comments but noooooo, my brain goes “you gotta draw it”. DAMMIT VOX, YOU AND YOUR DELICIOUS WRITINGS HHHHHH

So… usually I should’ve picked a favourite scene that is within my drawing capability, but I just… love all three chapters??? So I made a questionable time investment? I can’t stop??? Help???

This is probably the most ambitious fanart project I’ve ever done so far. Fair enough, considering I might combust if I keep these welled-up emotions inside from reading Vox’s Goyuu fics. Fuck.

Fic info:

Title: the way it follows you home, the stories i never told

Author: @voxofthevoid

Pairing: YuuGoGo. Future!Yuuji, Future!Gojou, Teen!Gojou

(idk why I laugh writing YuuGoGo. I’m beyond help)

Currently, it is 3 chapters out of 8. And it’s gonna be NSFW chapter 4 onwards, so don’t forget to read the tags first, folks!

The drawings are under Read More, because I have lots of thoughts surrounding each chapter and drawings. It’ll be hella long if I didn’t hide it here. It was a mess down there. A combination of hours before, during, and after I read said fic. I’d say good luck finding the art among the sea of jumbled words but… you’ll find them easily. Don’t worry about it haha

SPOILERS FOR ALL 3 CHAPTERS! I highly recommend reading those first before diving into these drawings!

Also for the comics, read from right to left please!

From here on, I will be referring to the Future!Gojou as Gojou and the teenage one as Satoru.

Overall, drawing all these is fun! Really fun! This project pushed me quite hard, forcing me to test my limit (because I rarely draw this much back to back). Since this is a combination of drawings and comics, the coloring style will not be consistent. In a way, I want to try some brushes I never get to use, as well as try out my new graphic tablet. Drawing these got me giggling because I was finally able to let loose during line art. It's much easier to do so, and sometimes I just get to reread the fic and giggle to myself for the nth time.

CHAPTER 1:

Whooo. Whooooooooo—

Ok, ok, the premise is just that good. It intrigued me, fascinated me, and I just… oomph. I cannot refuse a Time Travel Yuuji Sandwich. Sign me up.

Honestly, there are two scenes that are just… a bit too clear in my mind when reading this chapter. That would be the one I drew above, and the other is when Yaga called Gojou to come outside of the class. I love, loooove how Vox wrote Satoru’s POV. And when Yuuji fucking giggles?

I lost it.

Can you imagine, drawing Yuuji grins, with shiny stuff, maybe some sunlight, just purely happy and indulging Gojou?

Help me, for I am drowning in my love and adoration for Yuuji.

Page 2 is an experiment on using harsh black as shading (kind of?). I really enjoyed colouring Yuuji, and drawing those buffalo skulls! I wish I can grasp the concept of contrast a bit better tho :v

CHAPTER 2:

This is probably the only chapter where I picture still images instead of comic panels. A bit like those cool chapter covers in mangas. The one I really, really want to draw is the scene with Satoru on the table. Can’t pass the opportunity to highlight Satoru being a brat, albeit a really cool brat.

Cool idea drawing always proves to be a challenge, because of course my artistic skill just so happens to be below the requirement. Thank you, Sketchfab, for the chair and desk’s perspective otherwise I’m screwed lmao

The second scene that I want to draw the most is this:

Gojou is one step away from climbing Yuuji. Also, I have a bit of a problem picturing a man pouting that makes him look crazy instead, so please have Gojou pouting adorably instead. Because, as Yuuji said (with love), Gojou is (also) a brat.

This is possibly my favorite art in this project, after Yuuji's in Chapter 1 page 2. It's clean because I don't have to draw background, and I was having a fun time drawing Yuuji. And Gojou's squishy cheek as well.

Oh, actually, there is a “manga” scene in this chapter. It’s when Yuuji said, “I love Satoru.”

I just—

AAAAAHHHHH YUUJIIIIIII YOU AND VOX ARE GONNA BE THE DEATH OF ME. That secure relationship between Yuuji and Gojou? Satoru’s description of how Yuuji’s smile could blot out the sun??? Not me screaming 💀 I also see bits of hints of possible co-dependency, though I could be reading those wrong, but either way I’m good. Secure and possessive relationships are fun to consume hhhhhh

But yeah. There are too many wholesome Yuuji smiles in this fic, and I… I am not confident enough to draw genuine happiness. It’s too much for me ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

For this chapter, another reason why I chose these two scenes is just because I want to try and draw cover-worthy pictures of Yuuji and Satoru, and Yuuji and Gojou (cough)

CHAPTER 3:

We start the chapter with Nanamin. Ah, Nanamin. I forgot what his teen self looked like and was surprised to see his design again lmao

I want to draw Yuuji and Nanami scene because… I just want to, I guess. I have never drawn him before (Yaga as well) so that's an interesting challenge. I got two ideas on how I want to draw it. One is a bit painting-esque, and the other one is like another chapter cover. In the end, I chose the cover one because I want to emphasise the difference between teen!Nanami and the Nanami from Yuuji’s original timeline, and how the watch feels like a connection between the same (yet not) person. It’s a bittersweet feeling? In a way?

I’m not really good at explaining my intention ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

I love Yuuji’s answer to Nanami's question.

AND FINALLY.

A Yuuji SandwichTM scene.

And oh B O I do I love it. Have I told you I like every chapter? I probably have. But this one? Satoru’s curiosity, Yuuji’s on-brand self-deprecation, and Gojou come strolling down to show more of Yuuji to his mini-self. I want to draw this whole scene, from Gojou finding them, feeding Yuuji snacks, bitch-slapping Satoru into the backroom, to Yuuji growling. Them trying to hide a boner from Yuuji’s growl got me cackling so hard I LOVE IT 😭

I love it all. Please love Yuuji in my stead, Satoru and Satonyan :3

Oh! Also! 40-finger Yuuji sounds really, really cool! I’ll be happy with whatever Vox will give us in future chapters, but 40-finger Yuuji… possible scene with this timeline’s Sukuna… my god. The action! The drama! The bloodshed! One can only hope.

However, as much as I love that whole scene, it’s still too much for me :”) I’m still not yet confident in delivering the humour and action. Also my already-long drawing plan had my brain groaning in protest so I can’t push my luck :'D

When Gojou said "He looks sweet, but he's a bit of a beast", I kept picturing Yuuji staring innocently, but there was an edge to his look. As if the moment Satoru looks away, he will pounce. But in the end I just stick with innocent-looking Yuuji because I accidentally drew his eyes that way and I want to keep it in lol

Since Satoru points out how soft and cuddly Yuuji is, I also want to draw soft Yuuji :v

And the last one… is the last scene. For some reason, I read that both Gojou and Satoru share Yuuji’s lap and was having a frustrating yet fun time figuring out how it’s… physically possible, without having their butts on the ground because they both are not small at all. As I lined the art, I reread it again and… perhaps I read it wrong? Satoru is beside Yuuji, and not on his lap? So yeah, this one might be the least accurate, but hey, at least you can view it as a crack drawing or something :v

AAAANNNDDD I HAVE EXCEEDED TODAY’S BRAIN CAPACITY OF FORMING WORDS

Have I told you I love this fic?

…I probably have.

Have an amazing week (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*

[ambermeh]

The argument

Chris Sturniolo (basically part three of the chris texts)

Summary: When you arrive at Chris' will the two of you work out the differences you have?

Content: just fluff mainly and a bit of arguing.

Once you had started to get into the car, you realised how much you really loved Chris and felt almost annoyed that you had let a petty argument with Chris spiral this much. You two had often had little spats and Chris and you had always made up one way or another. Never communicating your actual feelings. From being friends for a few months to becoming each others partners, the two of you were in one of the most serious relationships and you didn't want to ruin it by lacking understanding.

As you were driving, the conversation you had heard between Matt and Chris played in your head, mocking your complete trust, and perhaps naivety, towards Chris and the relationship in general.

'she's been getting too involved with stuff recently, clinging onto me and not letting me have a moment to breathe'

'I mean from her perspective we have been going away a lot, but she does seem to be hanging around you more often'

'and every time we do see each other, she always starts fights and, to be honest, she's been really dramatic. Every time I try to speak about it she starts crying and being emotional'

The rest of the conversation drowns out as you replay the words. Over and over and over. Until the emotions just spill out and the tears come with it. The moment you questioned the love he always professed with such promise, shattered by a moment of frustration. Would it have to end?

The car coming to a stop as you composed yourself and got braced for the worst if there was no relationship to fight for.

His eyes meet yours as he opens the door, a deep blue that feels all too familiar as you look away. His arm outstretching as he questions the puffy eyes and the reddish tint over your face.

'you've been crying, haven't you y/n?'

As you nod, the emotions threaten to consume you again but you block them out. You are here to talk. Not cry.

'anyway, we need to talk Chris, there's no point in trying to console me if we're gonna end this argument the same as all the rest of them and remain in the same position'

His face displays an almost hurt expression, but at the same time he nods as you start to tell him what has been affecting you. Starting with the long nights and not seeing him, then moving onto how you don't want him to feel suffocated with the amount of time you spend with him. The both of you agree that you should both set aside time to spend with each other in a week.

'you know that I don't feel suffocated when I see you'

'you literally said that whenever we spend time together I create an argument because I'm dramatic'

Hand reaching for the back of his head, while he almost whinces at the memory. His head shakes as he explains that the reason he did this was because of all the emotions he was feeling and that you were never meant to hear it.

You pause.

'so you do this a lot'

He looks confused.

so you elaborate. 'talk shit about me behind my back to your brothers'

'you're twisting my words, I would have never said that to you because I didn't and don't mean it and was letting off steam. I know you do the same with your friends'

'but the difference is that your brothers are my friends as well so it makes me a bit uncomfortable that you would do it when you knew I was in the house and I could just hear one of my friends and my boyfriend talking bad about me'

After a few moments of just empty silence, he looks at you, with a hopeful look, and asks if the air has been cleared between the two of you. You nod, but add that the two of you need to be more open and honest with each other if the relationship will work.

His smile is infectious as the warmth of it spreads through your body. You lean over and hug him tightly, allowing the new and more stable side of your relationship put your mind at ease. Pushing away the overwhelming doubt and worry you have had for the last few days. His face leans in as you two kiss. Both of you sigh at the contact as you delivers a deep but short kiss to you. Then a kiss on the forehead as he brings you in for an embrace, which allows you to take in the scent that brings calmness to you almost immediately.

'I will never stop loving you'

He whispers into the embrace and your ear.

(plus thank you @enchanthings for the banner)

[trans-androgyne]

i think as an intersex trans person who has felt really left put of the conversations around tme/tma and transandrophobia, I think my problem with transandro stuff is how much of it is just transphobia, and how often it genuinely ends up being a shield from transmisogyny. If the term tma was expanded to include everyone who feels it applies to them, that wouldn't change any of the points made about the transmisogyny problem of the wider trans community. Any validity transandrophobia has is kinda drowned out by the obvious resentment towards transfems a lot of people posting have. The way systematic issues faced by transfems will be responded to by anecdotal examples of bad things happened to transmascs sometimes. And despite the fact the transandrophobia people (or people who dislike tma/tme more broadly) often being up intersex people while still not especially caring about us and it's frustrating. tme/tma would bug me less if people could agree if it were camab exclusive or not, because as much as they say it is at least one semi popular transfem tma sex worker isn't and nobody seems to care so the inconsistency would be nice to get clarity on, and transandrophobia people would just have to use their term while still getting called out on transmisogyny and not pulling out their shield of "while actually transandro-" Because that's what feels so mraish to me. idk long rambley mess from an intersex person who's been mad at the wider trans community for a while. (for the record though, I hate the idea that being tme/tma reveals your asab anymore then calling yourself transfem or transmasc does. both are really frustrating binaries for intersex trans people, but only one is criticized commonly. It seems like interssx excluding binaries are fine sometimes)

I appreciate you wanting to share your perspectives but this was frustrating to read. You don’t seem to have enough familiarity with the broader transandrophobia conversation to comment on it like this, because I have been checking the tags daily for months and have yet to see one singular example of a transmasc shielding themself from transmisogyny accusations by pointing out the existence of transandrophobia. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but I’m saying it isn’t a pervasive issue like you’re making it out to be. This reads like someone who has mostly seen the conversation through screenshots of the worst actors. Meanwhile, we get called transmisogynistic for using the word itself and obviously defend ourselves; I do not doubt these are the conversations you’re seeing. If you think calling it “just transphobia” is acceptable, again, you should not be speaking on this. Is most of the transmisogyny tag “just transphobia” as well or does it matter that it’s directed at transfems?

“Any validity transandrophobia has is kinda drowned out by the obvious resentment towards transfems a lot of people posting have.” No, it isn’t. Does transmisogyny become less real because some transfems are transandrophobic? If there is open transmisogyny going on that doesn’t get addressed, that’s one thing. But how could you expect zero transmascs to hold any resentment towards transandrophobic transfems who tell us we don’t deserve to talk about the way they’re transphobic to us? It’s not a good situation but it’s the reality—you don’t seem to be free of resentment towards any part of the trans community yourself. Tensions are high in the community right now. Are transfems also not allowed to talk about transmisogyny until they clear all resentment towards transmascs? Because half the transmisogyny tag would have to go away if so. It is abundantly clear that transmisogyny being a more established term is biasing your viewpoint here and I hope you’ll work to overcome that before trying to reflect on the conversation further.

[kindoffruity]

Smitten - Final Chapter

Summary: Neteyam is all patched up, it's time to mate.

Warnings: This is definitely not canon compliant, this is my world. This chapter is technically rated M. Now, I have incorporated enough stuff rated T to balance out for those of you who are not into smut. Because let's be honest, not everyone likes it. With that, I marked it "-The Bond-" to signal when there will actually be sex. Also it's pretty long.

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Smitten: Final Chapter - Bond - Both Perspectives

Aonung learned about six new things about Neteyam in the days he was injured.

 First, Neteyam was not a morning person. 

Every morning, Aonung would wake up to the sun creeping in. Neteyam would be fast asleep in his arms, Aonung could barely escape without Neteyam sort of whining. “I need to go..” Aonung would whisper trying to break free from his sleeping lover's arms, “No.. Just five more minutes.” Neteyam would sleepily beg. But it was never just five minutes. Aonung had fallen for it too many times, giving in to five more minutes he would wake up an hour later to his father yelling outside of his home. It always left him rushing and running around, even while he ran around, Neteyam would sleep peacefully. 

Neteyamn would usually wake up confused just before he needed to actually move, he never actually recalled Aonung leaving the bed. He usually rolled over to Aonung’s spot and bundled in real tight.

Second, Neteyam would sometimes get nightmares. 

It wasn’t often, but twice in a row, Aonung was woken up to Neteyam shouting and clutching his chest. It would take Neteyam hours to fall back asleep, usually they took a walk on the beach to pass the time. “I’m sorry I woke you.. You can go back to sleep, I will be fine.” Neteyam would reassure him that he could go to sleep, but Neteyam still had bandages on his stomach. Aonung worried that anything could happen, the stitches could come undone. He didn’t need to sleep that much. “What was it about..you had the same dream yesterday?” Aonung would hold him from behind and Neteyam relaxed against him. 

“Since I was younger.. I’ve had a recurring dream.. More like a nightmare, I guess. We are at war,” Neteyam starts his eyes closing as he recalls the dream vividly as it has haunted him since he was 15. “We are gathering materials, ammunition and weapons, we are supposed to keep watch but we don’t. We go to help the warriors get the guns, we should have kept watch- they attack us.” Neteyam takes a deep breath, opening his eyes and promising to himself that it’s not real. “In my dream, I was shot. I have never seen the end of the dream, I usually wake up as soon as the bullet hits me. It feels so real sometimes.. But I know it’s not.” Neteyam expressed, he was holding onto Aonung’s arms to ground himself down. 

“You must think I am childish, having these silly dreams. We have not been at war for sometime- let us go.” Neteyam had never shared that nightmare before, he was embarrassed to be so vulnerable. “I don’t think you’re childish.. I’m sorry that you have those nightmares. I wish I could protect you from them.” Aonung genuinely means this. Neteyam can only think that Aonung is a great listener that makes him feel safe.

“Growing up, I had a nightmare where I was drowning. Ironic, right? Because I am a good diver now. But I am in the ocean, and I am trying to swim up. However, no matter how fast I kick my legs, I am not moving. I am stuck in the same place, feeling helpless and unable to take a breath.” Aonung explained, “But right before I pass out someone grabs me and yanks me out of the water. I never get to see them, I never even get the opportunity to thank them. I’d like to thank them one day.” Aonung wanted Neteyam to know he wasn’t crazy, sometimes even he had dreams that scared him. 

“It was probably me, I’m pretty much a hero.” Neteyam joked, bringing up Aonung’s hand and pressing a kiss to it. “You might be right, Forest Boy. But I think those baby lungs of yours would have collapsed.” Aonung teases, though part of him feels like it could have been Neteyam. 

“Knowing that, I’d still go to save you regardless.” Neteyam admits with a small smile, turning around in his arms for a hug. Aonung knows Neteyam means it, while it is endearing the thought scares him. Aonung knows that if it came to him, Neteyam would sacrifice himself for him. 

Thirdly, Neteyam did not know how to be taken care of. 

Despite the obvious injuries that he had retained, Neteyam was adamant about making himself useful. He would try to sharpen Aonung’s spear for him, or set aside his armor and riding gear. Neteyam should have been in bed resting, but would get up to clean, organize Aonung’s things and would even leave the Marui limping with his bow and arrow, practicing to polish up his skills.

It was probably the second time Aonung could recall a serious argument. 

He had returned from the reef, as usual, he carried a shell or something pretty that reminded him of Neteyam. He had caught Neteyam outside, firing his arrow against a specific part of a tree as target practice. Aonung wouldn’t have had a problem with it if Neteyam hadn’t tried to climb the tree to gather his arrows. 

Neteyam nearly slipped, wincing as he pulled out the arrow from the tree and tossing it back on the ground so he could continue. 

“What are you doing?” Aonung was annoyed, he didn’t even bother to hide it. “I am practicing, I do not wish to be soft by the time I heal.” Neteyam would explain as he jumped down off the tree to his feet. Neteyam tried not to wince as his legs hit the ground, he knew Aonung would have a heart attack. Aonung didn’t understand him, he needed to always be ready. 

“That is enough.” Aonung warned him, clearly just concerned. “You are not my parent, I love you. And I would do anything for you, but you need to respect that I need to do this, I cannot be cooped up in a house as if I am a damsel.” Neteyam didn’t turn back to look at Aonung as he picked up his arrows. 

“If you cared about  me, you’ll put your bow down. I don’t care how often you practice once you are healed- but you will never heal if you are out here climbing trees.” Aonung tried to be level-headed, he did. Neteyam turned around, his bow at his side as he stared at his lover. “If you cared about me, you’d let me do what I need to do.” Neteyam countered. Aonung growled at his lover, dropping the vibrant pink shell he had collected for his lover. 

“Why are you so stubborn? You are not at war! You do not need to be constantly on edge, this is extreme even for you. You have nothing to prove!” Aonung shouted, he couldn’t recall ever really yelling at his lover. “You do not understand! Aonung, I cannot lie here like some useless thing- I can never explain my thought process. This is just how I am, I need to be useful. I need to be strong. This is a symbol of weakness!” Neteyam pointed to his injury with regret, “if I was stronger, it would not have happened!” 

Ah, there it was.

Neteyam had blamed his injury on himself. 

“Ma’Neteyam.. Come here.” Aonung sighed softly, opening his arms up to his lover. Neteyam dropped his bow and immediately attached himself into the others arms, hugging him tight and burying his head in his chest. Aonung smelled like saltwater. Weird, he never thought this scent would be home to him. “Do not blame yourself for your injuries, you did very well for being on your own. You must give yourself credit. I never once thought less of you, in fact, I admire your strength, I wish I could be as strong as you.” Aonung ran his fingers through his braids with a small smile as he held him close. 

“I know I can’t force you into bed.” Aonung needed to think of something that would work for both of them. “How about we train together? You can target practice, but with me here so I can get the arrows for you. This way we’re both happy. You won’t hear me complain about your injuries and you get to practice.” Aonung decided to compromise, Neteyam was stubborn and he wasn’t going to take that away from him. 

“I’d like that..” Neteyam felt spoiled as Aonung kissed his forehead and then retrieved every arrow for him for the next few hours until he felt satisfied with his training for the day. 

Aonung could admit, he didn’t realize how much he needed to polish his climbing skills until Neteyam was behind him laughing at him.

Fourthly, Neteyam seemed to love his tattoos. 

At night, when the couple should have been sleeping. Neteyam would often spend time tracing the series of lines that adorned his arms. Aonung would pretend to sleep while his finger seemed to admire every droplet of ink. Neteyam did this when he couldn’t sleep, “I wonder if it hurts..” Neteyam would talk to himself quietly. 

Then his attention would drag to the tattoo on his chest, his fingers were more delicate there as the ink was still fresh and even a bit tender as it was the newest piece to adorn his body. “Protecting home?”  Neteyam questioned, his words were slurred as if he was ready to pass out while his fingers guided over the ink. Aonung had taught him the meaning of the different tattoos and placements, there were so many that Neteyam would summarize as easily as possible. Aonung tried not to smile as Neteyam finally thought of the reef as home, though the Forest was always his home. Aonung respects that. 

This whole thing made Aonung’s heart melt, he couldn’t tell Neteyam he was awake the whole time. Neteyam had fallen into a nightly routine of tracing the ink on his body. Aonung would wait until the finger stopped moving all together, a minute later usually he would hear a soft snore and he knew Neteyam had fallen asleep.

Aonung’s eyes opened up to admire his sleeping lover, planting a kiss on his head. He knew one day Neteyam would kill him for pretending he was asleep while he did these cute things. Aonung wouldn’t dare tell him anytime soon. 

Fifth, Neteyam loved all gifts. 

Aonung had been in a relationship briefly, it was difficult for him because nothing he had ever done was good enough by their standards. Once he had a shell thrown back on the ground because “anyone could get a shell”. Those moments always stuck with him. It was why Aonung worked so hard to get the nicest things, he’d only get the best for Neteyam. 

But Neteyam was grateful for everything. 

Aonung had returned home once with a singular flower, it only grew in a specific cave so it was unique. Aonung was eager to give it to him because Neteyam was at this point just about fully healed. Except, on his way back to give him the flower, he had been tackled by some kids and it dropped, one accidentally stepping on it and squashing it. 

Aonung knew it was an accident, so he didn’t get upset. 

“Teyam, I’m home.” Aonung called out as he stepped inside, squished flower in his hand. “Welcome back! Look at the bandages, gone. Stitches, removed.” Neteyam was practically running around now that he wasn’t injured anymore. (Plus Aonung couldn’t be mad if he was all healed and running around).

Aonung swore he had leaped and jumped in his arms. “I take it my mother did a good job with you?” Aonung asked with a laugh as he held him close. He gave him a tight squeeze, just celebrating the others' health. 

“What is that? Is that for me?” Neteyam asked, reaching for his hand he pulled the squished flower out of Aonung’s hand. “Well- it was but.. Some kids squished it- I can get you another one.” Aonung didn’t know why he felt nervous that Neteyam was going to be upset or hate the flower. 

“No, it's perfect. I love it. Thank you so much for thinking about me.” Neteyam accepted it with a large smile, pulling away towards the bed and taking a seat on the ground to grab a box. Aonung stared wide. He hadn’t expected him to be that eager for a squished flower. 

 Neteyam had saved every single gift, no matter how small it was. It was all there in this box. “You saved it all?” Aonung asked stupidly, his mouth hung open as he watched Neteyam pull out little gifts from years ago when they first met. There wasn’t much from that time, but a rock and a few notes that they had passed along. 

“Yeah, I save everything you give me. Like this, you probably don’t remember but years ago, you gave me this scale. Remember, we didn’t know what it belonged to, only that it glowed in the night.” Neteyam held up the scale, probably the same size as a pearl. “You know.. I think I must have always had a crush on you.” Neteyam looked up at him with the largest smile as he held it out to him. 

Aonung was so in love, he dropped down to his knees and immediately hugged Neteyam, practically squishing him with all his weight. “Why are you this perfect?” Aonung never thought he would have gotten this lucky, Neteyam treasured even the dumbest things he had given him. Of course he was appreciative of a squished flower. “You always bring me the nicest gifts.. It really brightens my day to know you’re always thinking of me.” Neteyam admitted, just laying underneath the other with absolutely no protest. 

Aonung loved adorning Neteyam with all sorts of gifts, but there was no greater satisfaction than Neteyam saving even the smallest things. Aonung could see that Neteyam was starting a collection of shells and sea glass. Aonung would need to create a space for him to place the collection. Aonung buried his head in Neteyam’s neck.

They spent at least an hour just laying on the ground and cuddling while going over all of the items. “Which one is your favorite?” Aonung asked, admiring the assortment he had gathered for his lover. “Probably the crown you made for me.. I never get to wear it but I love it so much.” Neteyam admitted grabbing the headpiece and placing it over his ears. 

Aonung loved the way it looked on him, it was definitely his favorite too. Neteyam was usually beautiful, but he seemed almost like a dream when he wore the delicate headpiece. Neteyam looked up at him with big eyes almost expectantly, his hands gently scratching at his back as Aonung finally got the hint. 

Neteyam wanted a kiss. 

Aonung caressed his face, just admiring his beauty before he pulled him for a slow and sensual kiss. No matter how many times their lips pressed against each other, the spark never faded, it only intensified. Neteyam clung to him, learning to love the heavy weight of his lover. Aonung using an arm to prop himself up so he could properly kiss. 

Aonung pulled away, his heart throbbing at the sight of Neteyam underneath him. Neteyam couldn’t hide his emotions at all, his eyes begging for more, cheeks flustered, his hair framed his face beautifully. Aonung wishes to memorize this moment for the rest of his life. 

It led him to the sixth conclusion about Neteyam. 

Neteyam was a huge tease. 

 Now granted, Aonung had said they would wait to mate until Neteyam was all better. For some reason, little things kept getting in the way. He was pulled to observe the reefs in the evenings, it made it hard for him to actually plan. Because everytime, he had set aside time for them, just a two day vacation or a romantic trip to the spirit tree. 

Something always got in the way. 

The Ilu had run out once, they had to gather them before they were eaten. 

An Akula lurking too close to home. 

Lo’ak picking a fight with the neighboring clans- which was an awful story on its own. 

Nothing seemed to go right when Aonung tried to plan it. 

Neteyam had practically moved into his Marui at this point, which was lovely, really. Except, Aonung would come home and Neteyam would pounce on him. Neteyam would kiss him hungrily and wrap his legs around him to pull him on the bed. 

Aonung loved it, every second of it, every kiss and playful bite. 

But it always left them both unsatisfied because they wanted to wait to do it right. Aonung always pulled away with such great restraint, Neteyam still pulling at him. Aonung knew it was a blessing to have someone as eager as Neteyam. 

Neteyam had once pushed him down, climbing on top of him and pinned his wrists down. “Neteyam..” Aonung would call out half-heartedly because he didn’t want him to stop. “Shhh.. No speaking.” Neteyam would smirk down at him, planting a heated kiss on his lips and pulling away to trail hot and steamy kisses down his neck. Aonung let out a shaky sigh as Neteyam bit down and marked his neck. The hickey itself was Neteyam’s claim on his body. 

Aonung’s hands grabbed at his thighs and then rested on his butt, Neteyam’s tail wagging excitedly as he marked his lover's neck up. “What will they say tomorrow, when you show up to the hunt covered in marks?” Neteyam would purr into his ears, Aonung could only groan in response. Neteyam had possessive tendencies sometimes, Aonung swore it was because he hadn’t mated him yet. 

“Yo bro, could I borrow some beads-“ Lo’ak should have learned his lesson, but he never did. He walked in on them, immediately screaming like a child in horror by the sight. Neteyam usually would have jumped off embarrassed, except he didn’t. He turned around and glared at Lo’ak, grabbing the bag of beads and throwing them at his head. “Get out! You don’t know how to fucking knock- Stop screaming!” Neteyam shouted climbing off of Aonung and shoving Lo’ak out, Neteyam heard him fall out and the beads spill. 

Aonung could tell Neteyam was pent up and frustrated, and Lo’ak was probably traumatized. Hopefully, he learned to knock. 

“Ma’Teyam..” Aonung reached for him, pulling him close to cuddle. “Soon… I’ll give you everything you want.” Aonung promised, kissing his neck and spooning him from behind. Neteyam pouted, arms folded in annoyance because they had been interrupted so many times. 

- - - 

“I plan on mating with Neteyam. I have decided to not proceed with our traditional methods of bonding in front of our clan. I would like for us to have our bond between ourselves and Eywa.” Aonung spoke at dinner, Neteyam hadn’t been expecting that in the slightest. If he was honest, he had forgotten traditionally they would mate before their clan members. Neteyam didn’t speak, he just ate, too embarrassed to even look up at his parents. 

“You know, for it to be-”

“It will be before Eywa. And that is all we need. With that being said, we will be unavailable for the next week.” Aonung needed to speak now, everyone seemed surprised by the mention of needing a whole week. Even Neteyam tried not to choke on his food, a week was excessive. He could feel eyes pouring into him. 

“Very well, we will proceed without you for the following week.” Tonowari spoke, Ronal seemed like she was going to protest their methods. “Neteyam has nothing to do with this, I have realized that I do not need an audience to acknowledge my love. Only Eywa.” Aonung paused with a smile, “Plus I don’t want anyone else to look at my mate.”  

Neteyam actually choked. 

All eyes were on him as he rushed out, unable to excuse himself as he was coughing and sputtering from embarrassment. Aonung was pleased with himself. Aonung took a final bite of his food and excused himself to rush after Neteyam. 

“Aonung! A-A week?” Neteyam sputtered on the way back to their Marui, shaking his head, still baffled by the whole conversation. 

“I could ask for two if you’d like,” Aonung offered with a smile as he hugged Neteyam from behind. “You act like you haven’t been trying to jump my bones everyday since you healed. The least I could give you is a week for just the two of us.” Aonung walked slowly as he held onto Neteyam. 

“And ignoring tradition?” Neteyam asked leaning against as they stepped together, it must have looked so funny as they were moving as one. 

“I don’t want anyone else to hear you or see you. They already think you're perfect, wait until they hear you whimper,” Aonung pressed a kiss into his ear and Neteyam shuddered, shaking his head embarrassed at the thought of that. “Whatever will I do with you..” Neteyam didn’t hate it though. 

————

The remainder of the week left Neteyam on edge, he was excited but nervous. Constantly restless, reality had settled in, they were finally going to mate. 

Neteyam set aside time from his regular duties to redo his hair, even shine the pearls he had been gifted. Neteyam was worried it wouldn’t be perfect, what if he wasn’t as good as he wanted to be? Maybe he’d disappoint Aonung? The second those intrusive thoughts hit, he tried to shake them away. 

Aonung was probably his biggest fan. 

When the day came, Neteyam felt self conscious almost instantly. Aonung had gifted him a new garment, it was white and sheer, with sewn in pearls. It covered his chest, leaving his back open, the thin fabric left little to imagine. With the new top came a new loincloth, the material as soft as silk. It hung low on his hips, a pearl white. Aonung even added an anklet for him, now from pretty much head to toe he had been dressed by his lover. 

Most people didn’t even get the amount of gifts he received. 

 Aonung had left him to get ready, Aonung was waiting by Yam, such a ferocious Tsurak with the funniest name. Neteyam let out a shaky sigh stepping out of their Marui, Neteyam was flustered as he walked slowly, worried the beads were suddenly too loud or that he’d trip over and eat sand. 

Aonung turned to face Neteyam, his jaw practically dropping as he took in his features. Neteyam was always beautiful, but he was practically glowing. It was unreal, Neteyam was walking slowly to watch his step but everything was already playing in slow motion in Aonung’s head. 

Aonung couldn’t believe this was his mate. The garments and accessories framed his body well, emphasizing Neteyam’s best features. His small waist prominent, the curve of his ass, and at the top his broad shoulders wrapped delicately in the thin sheer fabric. 

Neteyam could feel Aonung’s eyes staring at him, it made the uneasiness fade away. Aonung really liked what he saw, it made Neteyam feel confident. 

“I have imagined this countless times.. But my thoughts were nothing compared to your actual beauty.” Aonung spoke once he realized Neteyam was standing right in front of him. He reached to help Neteyam on his skimwing. “You think so? Well don’t get used to this.” Neteyam teased, his confidence skyrocketing as Aonung pressed a kiss to his hand. 

The ride there was difficult, the waves weren’t bad on anything but it all felt so surreal. Neteyam swore he would wake up, or perhaps he had already died and these were just his thoughts. 

Aonung’s arms squeezing his waist and pulling him close reminded him that this was real. Neteyam sighed softly, just admiring the beautiful day. The vibrant sky, smooth waves, and everything was just perfect. Neteyam’s hands rested over Aonung’s as they rode. 

Aonung was absolutely excited, he was so happy that nothing could even remotely ruin this. As they approached the cove of ancestors, he could feel Neteyam twitch and that baby tail wagging excitedly. Neteyam was just as excited as their destination became closer. 

“I hope you remembered how to breathe.” Aonung teased, now it was time to release Yam. Neteyam suddenly forgot how to breathe, letting Aonung help him down. Neteyam immediately clung to him, his arms wrapped around him. “And if I forgot?” Neteyam returned the tease, the two staring into each other's eyes. Aonung swore he could get lost in those golden orbs, so he instinctively pulled him closer. Neteyam smiled, immediately caressing Ao’nung’s face and gently pulling him for a soft kiss. 

It was chaste, but it had probably been the most exciting kiss yet. 

Aonung led the way down, their hands locked as they swam to the spirit tree. Neteyam was glad they elected to do this on their own. It was much more romantic, Neteyam admired the tree, thanking Eywa for everything. For this life he lived, his beautiful new home, and his amazing mate. Neteyam’s eyes closed as he thanked her. Once he opened them, it looked like Aonung had been doing the same thing. It gave Neteyam the opportunity to admire his lover, his strong arms and his handsome face. 

Aonung slowly opened his eyes, smiling at him as they pulled each other closer. Their legs intertwined, locking each other together, they were unable to speak underwater but both of their gazes alone held so much love and respect for one-another. It was all they needed. 

The two shared a moment, heads pressed together, just admiring each other. Aonung reached first, his hand reaching for his braid, pulling around his queue. Ao’nung’s eyes locked on Neteyam’s as he mirrored him. Neteyam’s free hand intertwined their fingers together. There was a brief moment where they didn’t move, almost stunned with emotions.

They both simultaneously take the extra inch and they have connected. Nothing could have mentally prepared them for what it felt like to be one. If Neteyam could breathe, it would have taken all of it away. Neteyam’s body shuddered from the emotions, his hand squeezing tight on Aonung’s, nails just digging in from the overwhelming feeling. His body felt hot. Neteyam couldn’t keep his eyes open as he practically curled into Aonung, barely able to steady himself from the intense wave of pleasure and emotions that rushed through him. 

Aonung knew he had to be strong here because Neteyam was weaker in the water, he focused a lot of energy on his core to keep them treading. Aonung felt his entire body stutter as the bond was made. Their connection was so intense, Aonung felt like was flying, everything was heightened. He and Neteyam were one, he returned the firm squeeze of Neteyam’s hand before releasing it and pulling him closer, his hand locked on his waist as Neteyam’s legs wrapped around him. Aonung’s eyes closed briefly as the two seemed to just float in a pool of one another. But when his eyes opened again, he couldn’t help but admire his mate's delicate features. Neteyam’s face hid nothing, the pleasure was written all over it and Aonung could tell his lover was running out of air. 

Aonung gently caressed his face, pulling him for a sensual kiss. Aonung made sure he was pumping some air into his lover's lungs. Pulling away, he had Neteyam wrap his arms around his neck. Neteyam held where their braids had connected in his hand to keep them locked in place. Aonung allowed the other to cling to him so he could swim them up to air, before he left he thanked the great mother for allowing him to mate with Neteyam. 

The second they reached air, Neteyam gasped out, he was almost desperate to breathe. “H-Hah..Aonung..” Neteyam spoke in between shaky breaths, his body was on edge, he had been struggling to breathe and their connection itself made him want to whimper from the intensity of it. Neteyam’s legs wrapped tightly around Aonung, as if he didn’t want to let go. Aonung pulled his whimpering lover for another kiss, this time more heated- it was almost desperate as they clung to the other in the water. 

Aonung struggled to maintain his composure as Neteyam practically whimpered in his ear from their connection. Aonung pressed a kiss to his neck as his hands dragged from Neteyam’s thighs to his back, just feeling him. Neteyam was officially his now, they would be together for life. Aonung nipped at Neteyam’s lip, sliding his tongue in eagerly as they’re hands explored each other's body. Everything was so sensual, the smallest brush against his nipple left Neteyam practically shaking. Aonung could relate, his length hardened underneath the weight of his lover. 

The couple spent some time, treading in the water and just making out when Neteyam pulled away first, his cheeks flushed and lips practically swollen from the intense kisses, at this point their erections were just pressing into each other. “Aonung.. Let’s go back.. I want you..” Neteyam whispered boldly to him. Neteyam was just about ready to burst, Aonung instantly agreed. He had just been waiting for Neteyam to be ready. Aonung had already planned for them to continue everything at home. He couldn’t put Neteyam’s lungs through sex in the ocean.  Their first time needed to be comfortable. 

————

-Bond- 

———-

Aonung called for Yam, the second he straddled the skimwing he felt instantly tortured. Neteyam was still clinging to him, Neteyam’s length pressed firmly into his stomach while all of his weight and his ass sat right on his loincloth. His own length practically wedged between his mate’s cheeks. The two could feel the heat quickly brewing and intensifying as they rubbed against each other. Neteyam’s nipples pressed against the sheer fabric left them feeling almost raw in the most pleasurable way. 

“I love you..” Neteyam was squeezing him tightly, he didn’t want to let go any time soon. Aonung’s hand rested on Neteyam’s waist, gently trailing his hand over a particular sensitive spot, he had learned his favorite spots. “I love you more.” Aonung gently challenged him as he saw their home approaching. 

“Aonung..” Neteyam’s voice was needy, Aonung knew exactly where Neteyam was. He understood though, they had waited for so long for one another and now this ride back was so long. 

Aonung quieted his lover with his lips, nipping at his lower lip and pushing his tongue inside to taste his mate. Neteyam didn’t even hesitate to open his mouth to Aonung, a muffled moan against his lips. Aonung wanted to hear more, his free hand playing with the bouncing tail. Neteyam pulled away flushed, a quiet moan threatening to escape as his tail was another sensitive spot Aonung remembered. 

“My love, we have arrived.” Aonung maneuvered them off the animal. Neteyam pulled him for another kiss, almost causing Aonung to stumble in the sand. Aonung steadied himself, his hands on the back of Neteyam’s thighs to hold him up while they walked. Neteyam was so eager, Aonung struggled to watch where he was going. “I’ve waited too long..” Neteyam whispered against his lips, pulling away to kiss Aonung's neck. Each kiss left a burning trail of pleasure on his. “As have I..” Aonung gently reminded himself, he would drop Neteyam if he didn’t watch his steps. 

Aonung had set up their home, adorning it with special flower petals and new blankets for them. Once they were inside, it was like a switch was flipped within Aonung. He had tried to be calm, but now they were here, he didn’t have to hold himself back. Aonung gently placed Neteyam on the bed, Neteyam was panting already. 

They had just gotten started. 

Neteyam’s golden orbs filled with want as he looked up at Aonung, his legs spread to welcome him in between them. Aonung eagerly accepted the invitation, immediately attacking Neteyam’s neck, he bit and suckled on the skin leaving the prettiest marks to claim his body. 

The kisses and marks  traveled from Neteyam’s neck, all the way down to his calves. Aonung paid extra special attention to his inner thighs, leaving all sorts of steamy kisses and especially bites there. Neteyam was already his, but Aonung still felt the need to mark him now that he could. 

Aonung’s eyes dropped to the new loincloth that seemed to be already soiled with precum, “So soon, my love?” He teased as his hands pulled at the sides of the cloth and wriggled it off, revealing Neteyam’s body. Neteyam wasn’t even embarrassed at this point, legs spread out, his cock resting on his stomach, the head glistening with beads of precum. 

Aonung had to take a second to admire all of it, Neteyam caught this and smirked at him. “Do you like what you see?” Neteyam asked, despite it being their first time, Aonung had done wonders for his self confidence. So all that worshiping and praise he had received from his lover left him like this. Neteyam did feel flustered being on display but Aonung had made him confident regardless. 

“How could I not?” Aonung pressed a kiss to the dripping head of Neteyam’s cock, causing him to almost instinctively close his legs but Aonung held them open. “Now isn’t the time to be shy, Forest boy.” Aonung gently reminded, Neteyam bit his lip, he hadn’t expecting to feel that sensation, 

“Keep your legs open for me.” Aonung reached over his body, pulling out a small vial and pouring some of the contents on his fingers. “Nung..?” Neteyam watched him, wondering what it could have been. “It’s to help it go in easier, I don’t want to hurt you.” Aonung explained, planting a kiss on his forehead before rubbing the other's entrance with the substance. Neteyam shuddered at the foreign feeling, but he had wanted this for so long, he held his legs open for Aonung. 

Aonung watched his mate’s reaction carefully to see if there was any discomfort before he slipped his finger in. Neteyam seemed to tense for a moment, unused to the feeling. Aonung tried not to get excited by the thought of how the inside of Neteyam would finally feel. He thrusted the digit slowly to allow him to get used to it, then added a second finger so he could really start to stretch him out. The lube on his fingers was created to trigger Neteyam’s body to lubricate itself. In essence, the more turned on he became the slicker he’d become. Aonung watched Neteyam struggle to decide if he liked the feeling. With that being said, Aonung reached his free hand to jerk his cock slowly at the pace of his fingers. 

Soon enough, the weird feeling of fingers inside of him disappeared and it was replaced with intense pleasure as Aonung hit the best spots. “Aonung..” Neteyam started to speak but it was cut off by a soft moan, “Please.. Please stop teasing me.. I just want to cum with you..” Neteyam’s voice was dripping in pleasure. 

Aonung watched as his fingers unraveled the male underneath him, he knew it was pretty much time for Neteyam, his insides were nice and wet, a mixture of the oil and now his body was self lubricating. Neteyam’s hands reached for his loincloth and immediately pulled them down. It was Aonung’s turn to be embarrassed for a split second, his cock springing up and hitting him in the stomach, extremely eager to be released. Aonung saw Neteyam blush at the sight and he swore he heard him gulp at the length of it. 

“I uh.. I don’t think it’s going to fit..” Neteyam knew Aonung was big, but seeing it uncovered, it was a little nerve wrecking. “We can go slow.. Just relax, I promise I won’t hurt you and if it does hurt, we can stop.” Aonung reminded him gently. Neteyam still looked nervous, despite all the confidence and want in the beginning, it was their first time. It was a little scary. 

“My love, just focus on me..” Aonung pressed a kiss to his lips, not as rushed as the first ones, slow and sensual. Neteyam’s arms wrapped around his neck, practically surrounding himself with Aonung. The kiss distracted Neteyam while Aonung lined himself up, Neteyam tensed a bit when he felt the warm head pressing into him. Next thing he knew, Aonung was slowly pushing inside of him. Neteyam’s nails dug into Aonung’s back as he tried to ground himself. At first, it hurt to be stretched. He had never felt this before, but it still slid in without too much resistance probably from all the lubricant. Neteyam took a shaky breath and pulled away from the kiss. “Nung.. Slower please..” Neteyam whispered, his mouth hung open as he tried to breathe and get used to the length. 

“I know, my love.. I’m almost all the way in.. You’re doing great.. I’m so fortunate to have you as my mate..” Aonung whispered against his lips, it took a lot out of him to go so painfully slow, easing inch by inch inside his lover, but Neteyam being comfortable was far more important than his own needs right now. The nails at his back left a burning sensation where they dug into him. Aonung pushed all the way in, peppering kisses on his lover's face and lips as he whimpered at the feeling of being so full. Aonung couldn’t even hold back his own groan at finally being one with Neteyam. 

Everything felt surreal. 

“Neteyam.. Is it okay to move?” Aonung asked, waiting for his lover to find words, Neteyam nodded shakily and clung tighter onto Aonung. Aonung pulled his hips back, nearly pulling all the way out and then pushing back in. Neteyam let out a huff of air, tears starting to form in his eyes. “Neteyam.. We can stop..” Aonung gently reminded him but Neteyam shook his head no. “I don’t wanna stop.. It’s just so much..” Neteyam tried to explain but Aonung didn’t understand. Was it too much dick? Or too many emotions? 

“My love.. You’re doing so great..” Aonung whispered in his ear, it was everything Neteyam always needed to hear. Aonung knew Neteyam always responded well to praise, so he whispered all sorts of endearments in his ears. The nails on his back slowly stopped digging painfully, Neteyam pulled Aonung for a kiss just as Aonung had started to settle in for a nice pace. Aonung returned the kiss, his hands exploring Neteyam’s body, resting on his length as he slowly jerked his lover off in sync with his thrusts. 

Neteyam at first found it hard to breathe, Aonung was well endowed. But, the compliments and hand on his length helped him. The compliments made him want to keep going, it motivated him. It wasn’t long until Neteyam could breathe easier, a little too easy, as moans just seemed to fall out of his lips left and right. Aonung was moving freely now, Neteyam didn’t even feel pain, it felt amazing. 

Aonung noticed that Neteyam had gotten accustomed, “Nete… Can I go faster?” Aonung had been really holding himself back, but Neteyam was enjoying it now. It was well worth the wait. “Please.. Yess.” Neteyam responded instantly, a loud moan escaping as Aonung hit a special bundle of nerves. Aonung made sure to remember that. 

It wasn’t long until the couple had found a rhythm that worked for them, first times were always hard in the beginning, they had just started to learn each other's body. Aonung realized that while Neteyam liked a sweet and slow start, it somehow ended with him being rough. 

Aonung had no complaints as the Marui filled with fast skin slapping and loud moans, Aonung wincing as the nails dragged all the way down his back. Neteyam whined and mewled, telling Aonung how much he liked it.

“Nung.. I’m going to cum.” Neteyam warned his lover, his legs wrapping tighter around him to keep him locked in. “It’s okay, you can cum we’ve got all week.” Aonung teased, as if he wasn’t just ready to burst. Neteyam tried to hold out so they could cum together, it only took one thrust to have him spill all over his stomach.

Neteyam swore he was seeing stars. 

Aonung was going to pull out since Neteyam had cum but the legs around his waist wouldn’t let him move, “Inside..” was the only thing Neteyam breathed out, Neteyam’s eyes were dazed with lust and he looked absolutely ravished by his lover. It took Aonung back to hear him say that, it sent shivers down his spine. “Are you-” Aonung was just checking to see if he was sure but then he felt Neteyam clench around his cock and he couldn’t help but groan in pleasure. Neteyam knew exactly what he was doing. 

Neteyam was very sure of what he wanted. 

With Neteyam clenching on him and taking some notes from Aonung’s books. “Please cum in me.. It feels so good, Aonung..” Neteyam’s voice was fucked out as he mirrored Aonung’s voice. Aonung wasn’t sure if he also had a praise thing- or if it was because Neteyam sounded soooo good. 

Aonung barely lasted a few more thrusts before he came inside of Neteyam, it took all of his strength to not give out on Neteyam. He used his arm to steady himself as he came down from the high of an orgasm. Neteyam shuddered, feeling the warm liquid filling him. The couple laid intertwined with one another, just catching their breath and admiring each other. 

Their first time was something else, it was a little nerve wrecking but certainly filled with love. Neteyam didn’t let Aonung pull out for a good hour, before their tired bodies decided it was time for bed. It was difficult for Aonung to clean up while still connected but he managed. Neteyam had instantly passed out after Aonung pulled out. It left Aonung awake spooning his lover with a content smile on his face. 

————

— The Bond —

———— 

The next week really was a blur, Neteyam proved to be quite the animal in bed. Aonung thought he would have been the one who was insatiable but their first morning together, Neteyam had practically sprung up, climbed on him, and rode him. Aonung should have known what to expect, but Neteyam surprised him.

The return back to reality was harsh, they could just lay in bed the whole day just whispering how much they loved each other. It was back to their usual responsibilities, hunting and basket weaving, protecting the reef. 

“Welcome back..” Tonowari greeted his son, he looked proud with a knowing smirk. Aonung sporting half healed scratch marks down his back and faint hickeys. Neteyam had enough respect to allow their bodies to heal from embarrassment. “It’s nice to be back, I suppose we should hunt?” Aonung asked with a smirk. He did miss hunting a bit. 

“Yeah I suppose we should,” It was Neteyam. 

They always say, you can tell when someone has been held. The person’s body becomes more beautiful, they practically glow and even their hair becomes shiny. 

It was the truth, villagers and members of the clan immediately noticed how Neteyam grew more beautiful in the week that had passed. Neteyam noticed the eyes on him, a little concerned he had been walking funny or had something on his face. 

“Shouldn’t you be-” Aonung started. 

“You’re not the only one with a Tsurak.” Neteyam smirked, walking past his lover. His tail swishing as he passed him, he did feel his knees buckle for a split second. He had been trying to pretend like his body wasn’t aching but this last week was more of a work out than anything. His thighs burned with every step he took.

“Why is Neteyam walking kind of funny?” Tuk commented amusedly, kicking her legs at the edge of the water. 

Lo’ak had learned his lesson of messing with the couple, he did notice the almost side step Neteyam had taken, “Neteyam has been rock climbing, right Aonung?” Lo’ak commented through gritted teeth. They were mated now, he couldn’t do anything to stop him.

 If you can’t beat them, join them. 

Aonung was too distracted by the large Tsurak that was by Neteyam, it was larger than Yam, and even seemed more feral. “When did you?!” Aonung was baffled by this secret. 

“Don’t worry, meet Ao.” Neteyam introduced the large animal to Aonung who was still processing. “I hope you didn’t think because we mated I was going to stay at home and wait around for you. I am not some male wife.” Neteyam reached for his bow. 

Aonung wasn’t surprised by this decision, he was more surprised that Neteyam had tamed a feral skimwing and hadn’t told him. It was then he realized that this marriage was just the beginning of some crazy adventures together. 

“I never thought that for a second, let’s go hunt.” 

[youngstarfishphilosopher]

CONSTANCE HATCHAWAY X CHILD READER: HEADCANNONS

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Back on my hm headcannons stuff. Now with this lovely and psychotic lady 🥰.

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- Constance hatchaway never really wanted to have children. So when she found out she was pregnant, she wasn't the happiest.

- Even so, she pushed through the pregnancy and had you; her one and only baby.

- It took a little while for her to warm up to you. But when she did, she was all over you.

- You with your little, toothless smile and chubby little cheeks.

- You are the child of both her as well as George Hightower: Her 5th husband. Seeing as he's the only one of her husbands who stuck around long enough.

- Speaking of her other husband's, she rarely talks about them, especially with you. You don't need to know about them: they're unimportant.

- Though one day, when you're about seven, your curiosity gets the best of you and you go up to the attic and order to check it out, despite your mother forbidding it.

- You immediately regretted it as you were quickly scared away, be it by accident, by the appearance of four headless men: all blue and see-through.

- You didn't tell your mother or father of your encounter. And you also never went into the attic agian.

- You and her would often have outings by the river, otentimes having picnics. Though she would always scold you for going to close to the river in fear that you might accidentally fall in and drown.

- Spoils you ROTTEN

- How could she not? After all, all the years of her . . . Endeavors. . . Give her all the materials she needs to do so.

- The two of you will normally sit down for a drink and talk about your days together. It's calm and a rather nice time.

- When you are a child, she loves brushing and doing your hair. She was often the one helping you get ready for events.

-Constance's perspective on romance isn't the best, to say the least. Which sours your view on the topic a bit as well.

-You were sixteen when your father died. Though you had caught him in the act of infidelity - cheating in your mother with another woman - his death still left some form of grief in your heart.

- Though your mother was not sad in the slightest. Rather she was quite happy.

- You couldn't blame her, to be honest. Your father had been unfaithful to her.

- And eventually, as the years continue to fly by, constance passes from old age as you yourself become the main inheritor of the mansion.

- You often miss your mother.

- Even though she was a murderer, she was no less of a good mother to you. A mother who gave you an exceptional childhood.

[rebelfell]

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make you sad. I'm also on my period right now and yeah, the tiniest thing can set me off so easily. It's just that I've been reading your writing for a while now and I wish I could write as well as you. I'm always blown away by the writers in this fandom. You all write such high quality stuff and most of you don't even write for a living and that's insane to me. No lie, the stories I read on here are better than published writers. Long story short, I don't feel anywhere near good enough to post any of my WIPs but I'm trying to teach myself by reading more. I feel like I'm yet to find my style of writing. Most of the time I fall into the trap of trying to match someone else's style just because I like it. Idk, it's my own fault that I'm drowning in feelings of being inferior to other writers on here. But I am trying to work my way through it!

Ohhhh nonny, I’m giving you the biggest hug rn. We’re gonna have to have a talk under the cut 😅

Because I have felt EVERYTHING you described, as recently as the last five minutes. Idk if I’ll ever not feel it, you know? Part of that is just me, but it’s also being a writer—or any kind of artist.

I too am blown away by how much talent this little corner of the internet is bursting with. And when I started reading fics, I feel like I could sorta tell when I was imitating or trying to imitate the writers I admired the most.

And I think there’s something to that?

Obviously, you don’t want to copy anybody— but the way you get better at tennis is by playing people who are better than you. Because it allows you to change the way you play to play like them, and then your style of play evolves from there?

I think everyone thinks they could be better, or wishes they could write certain things the way someone else does? At least I hope so 😅

I don’t even *really* believe I write well? I’m fully convinced I’ve just learned how to arrange words in a pleasing way that sounds nice, and that fools people into thinking it’s good. And if you wait to feel like you’re good enough, or like you know your style, you might never start.

So by that logic…you should just go for it!

Easier said than done, I know, but there are writers on here who have older, hugely popular stories that they’ve said they would go back and do totally differently! But that doesn’t make what they originally wrote bad.

They just would be coming at it from a different perspective because they’ve changed. Your style and your voice are always going to be changing and altering and expanding because YOU are always doing the same.

[emotionallychargedtowel]

A Conversation with My Twin About Not Me and Twinship

My twin sister @porridgefeast and I had a discussion over chat about our thoughts on Not Me and how it handled issues of twinship. This is a transcript of our conversation. It's been tidied up a bit and we left out some personal tangents and stuff, but it's still a chat transcript, so there's crosstalk and stuff. I've added some explanatory notes using asterisks here and there. Our tumblr handles have been shortened and color-coded for ease of reading.

This is long! If you don't have the setting enabled where long posts get shortened in your feed, you might be scrolling for a while.

Porridge and I have both done a lot of thinking and had a lot of discussions about twinship over the years, including the portrayal of twins in media. I'm also a mother of twins, which gives me another perspective on this stuff. We're both avid BL watchers but Porridge is more knowledgeable about Thai BL than I am.

emotionallychargedtowel (“towel”) I think I have a pretty good starting question. To what extent is Not Me a singleton* fantasy about twinship vs. an actual portrayal of twinship? What are the most authentic-seeming bits?

*a singleton is a person who was born from a single pregnancy, i.e., someone who isn't a twin, triplet, etc.

porridgefeast (“porridge”) There are definitely aspects that are the bedrock of the story that are singleton fantasy, no question.

towel Personally I think a lot of it is more along the lines of a singleton fantasy but I was surprised by some moments that touched on twin stuff that seldom gets talked about in media.

porridge Much of the time I don't care to scratch below the surface too much on this sort of thing, because I liked that I enjoyed the experience of watching the show. But if I were actively interrogating the show I would have one major question.

towel You know, I was thinking about the whole thing where twinship intersects with romantic and/or sexual relationships in this show, and I realized that when I was thinking about that before it was all about Sean but I was forgetting about Black's girlfriend

porridge And that would be: in Not Me universe, do all twins have psychic connections? Or just some? Or just White & Black?

towel That's a good question. At the very least it doesn't seem like something non-twins are aware of. I guess if it was universal, maybe they would.

porridge Also, I'm guessing they don't have the connection *because of* the earlier near-drowning. Because their parents say something after that along the lines of “We can't let this keep happening.” IIRC

towel I'd have to circle back but I think there was supposed to be some precedent for it before the near-drowning incident. Right!

porridge Is it because they're extra close? Because their parents suck? It just seems like it could be an interesting area to explore. Like, for the show to have explored.

towel That's a good question. My guess is that the show would say that's just their magical connection, but who knows?

One thing that I think appeals to singletons about the psychic twins trope

porridge I think the incredibly vague implication is "because special."

towel If on some level they're thinking of twins as two halves of one person, then it makes intuitive sense that they would be able to communicate their thoughts and feelings. It's sort of like two people with one brain. Like, the fantasy of two people who are separate but also not works better if they communicate their feelings/thoughts.

porridge Yeah, I think twins seem interesting to singletons because they're paradoxical to them—two people who are kind of one person and kind of not.

towel But also it's a fantasy, though not always a pleasant one. A fantasy of oneness but also a fantasy of the horror of...I guess you could say losing one's individuality.

porridge Yeah, it can feel like singletons think twins are exotic but also kind of gross.

towel Oh, definitely. It's funny because it's related to a real struggle that twins have but singletons don't get it at all.

porridge Occasionally it feels like they feel superior. And it's like uh what? Because you're an individual? Guess what, me too.

towel Yeah, I think that's true.

porridge You're just as much a slave to your genetics as I am, bub.

towel Right!

porridge Like, singletons don't have anything I don't have except for a lack of, like, people acting confused at them.

towel I always think about that girl who told me how much she'd always wanted a twin in high school. “Someone just like me, who I'd have everything in common with. We'd never fight.”

porridge Hopefully that person eventually grew up and became less of a goober.

towel Ridiculous but I appreciate that she was so lacking in the filter department that she voiced what I think plenty of singletons think on some level/at some times.

porridge That's one thing about singletons' thoughts about twinship. I get that they haven't examined a lot of their assumptions and of course I can relate to that when it comes to other things in my own life. But you just want to go “Stop. Think about it for literally ten seconds.”

towel So often they clearly haven't. Like that person who asked when my birthday was and then asked when yours was. And was then like, “Wow, what a coincidence!” when I said they were the same. (They figured it out but it took, like, a minute or two)

porridge I think when some singletons put themselves in twins' shoes, they don't put *themselves* in our shoes. They put some imaginary magical twin version of themselves in our shoes.

towel Definitely.

Well, it tends to be really polarized. Either being a twin is this lovely sense of communion with another human being or it's a terrifying thing where someone is going to steal your life

And then there are the times they don't put themselves in our shoes and just find us scary.

porridge I often prefer media depictions of the latter simply because I want so badly to correct for the former. Oh for sure. This is part of why I like that movie Adaptation so much.

towel Though that brings up something that happens in Not Me as well, one singleton actor playing twin characters.

That's something at least. There's a part of me that wants to say, “No more singletons playing twins. Get some danged twins. Or make them fraternal.”

porridge To go back to your question a little. I think the elevator pitch and general concept is a singleton fantasy, but at least some elements of the actual events are more like reality. It felt like somebody actually bothered to think through what that would be like.

towel Yeah, same here.

porridge Like, as I said when I wrote about it, the part where White is like Black won't come back, he's let me have my place in this group and we both know we can't both be part of it.

towel Yeah, there's that quote, “Nobody wants to live in another person's shadow” or something to that effect. I find it both sort of insightful and ridiculous at the same time. Like “everybody knows two twins can't both be in the same activist cell.” Uh, no.

But yeah, sometimes it seems like you can't be in the same space or group in certain ways

porridge Yeah that's not true. It's just that White now has closer relationships with each of those people.

towel And it may be true, though it's almost never entirely clear.

porridge It's not impossible for twins to be part of the same close group, but it's not always easy either. And that's partly because of the people around them.

towel And it depends so much on circumstances. Yes! And the other people involved.

[conversation ensues about people from school trying to get Porridge to make Towel talk less in class]

towel I was thinking about how polarized White and Black are. To me that's a bit of a red flag, when twins are even sort of opposites. And it's not true that White is perfect or that Black is evil but White is mostly right about things, mostly nice, occasionally cranky but that's about it, and Black is very hostile, clearly not in a great mental health place, etc.

They're closer to being all good and all bad than I'd like

porridge Yeah, I may have let that go partly because it wasn't quite as bad as I might have feared. But it's not ideal either.

towel It definitely could be worse. But it reminded me of the "which one are you" thing, which you certainly remember but I'm going to lay it out here for posterity.

"Are you the smart one or the [ableist word for unintelligent] one?" "Are you the nice one or the mean one?" and so forth. I used to blame the Sweet Valley High books and they certainly didn't help, but the twins-as-opposites thing is everywhere.

porridge Being at summer camp and me being "the brave one." I'm not sure what that made you exactly? If the description were correct it would have been "the homesick one," but there wasn't enough subtlety for that. Really it was the one who cries and the one who doesn't cry even when kicked by a horse. But that second part was just because in the fight/flight/freeze department, I'm a freezer.

towel Same, usually. I've tried to figure out why that is so appealing to singletons. My best guess is that maybe they like the idea of splitting a person into good and bad and then running the bad half out of town, so to speak.

It's a bit like that Buffy episode, actually. The Replacement. [There's a monster/wizard dude who wants to turn Buffy into a strong half and a weak half so he can kill the weak half and get rid of her entirely, but he hits Xander with his magic beam thingy instead.] It's worth noting that that's one of the only examples I can think of where instead of having one actor play twins they had Nicholas Brendon's twin brother play his double. I mean, it's one of the only examples I can think of where they had twins play a person and their double.

porridge There's arguably a whole separate treatise to write about the doppelganger concept and why it's compelling.

towel Yep

porridge For whatever reason I don't feel able to touch on it briefly, I can only go full tangent or kind of wave in its general direction.

towel I'm OK with either. I mean, a big part of the doppelganger thing is the fear that if someone resembles you they'll be able to take your entire life away from you.

porridge It's one of those things that has some perceptions-of-twins mixed up in it, but seems more about identity from the POV of singletons than anything else.

Yep. And that's the entire crux of that Buffy episode.

towel I do think their assumptions inform the doppelganger thing and twin stuff in a similar way.

porridge Yeah, it's from the point of view of singletons, thrilling themselves with fear that a nefarious twin could appear.

towel There's also the whole question of, like, if people met your double and did know it wasn't you, what would they be perceiving? How would that work? Do people have some kind of essence to them that we can distinguish?

I mean, obviously in reality the difference would be that person's behavior. And that comes up in Not Me.

porridge Seems like a lost opportunity that AFAIK nobody's ever made a body-snatcher film where a twin is a plot point.

But like I said when I wrote about the show,* as twins we know that people would just think the person they know is being weird for a very long time before they would go to a twin as an explanation. At least if those twins look as much alike as White & Black do.

*Check out the older post Porridge is talking about here.

towel Yeah, that's true. I think if Sean had figured it out sooner that would have really bothered me, for that exact reason.

porridge I mean, I say this as somebody who took ages to realize a friend was psychotic because I was convinced he was just really mad at me for a few months.

towel That's just human nature, though. We keep using the heuristics that worked for us for a long time. And most of the time that's the right thing to do.

porridge All I needed was for somebody to say "So [friend], do you think maybe..." without finishing the question before I was like yes. Shit!

towel When Sean asked if Black had a twin brother, a part of me felt kind of impressed that he figured it out. I can't decide if it's actually realistic or not. Like, would it ever occur to me, if someone started acting really different, that they might have a secret twin?

porridge Even then it was partly because of something somebody else said.*

*Porridge thought she remembered something to this effect, but so far neither of us has been able to track down the quote she remembered, or thought she remembered. But neither of us has fully rewatched Not Me since this discussion, so maybe it's there and we just didn't find it.

towel Still, it's either that Sean was really astute there, to a potentially unrealistic degree, or he had a theory that would have been incredibly dopey except that it happened to be true. I guess it's kind of both? He was astute and the theory would be dopey most of the time.*

*Since this conversation, I (Towel) have had some more thoughts about this that I'll put in another post soon.

porridge I guess that's one area where the implausibility sort of cycles back to making the plot make sense.

towel Heh, right.

porridge It makes more sense that he figured it out because they are so different. That's kind of a fantasy too. Like, "the person who loves me would definitely know if I wasn't me."

That reminds me of something I could ask you.

Wondering if you had a similar reaction to something. When Sean finds White (out of his Black drag), I had an unexpected rush of emotion. I was glad they were going to talk (presumably) with the twin stuff out in the open but it wasn't just that. I almost didn't care about Sean, but the fact that he was seeing White-as-White made it more real that yeah, this is actually White. White is getting to be himself now. It was like gender euphoria I guess only it was individuality euphoria.

towel That's interesting. I think I might try to peek at that scene real quick if that's OK.

porridge I think it was also because prior to that we'd only seen Black for a while.

towel I think I'm almost at the right spot but in the meantime, the recap for the part I pulled up included the whole denying he's a twin thing ("Twin, my ass!") immediately followed by "Stop messing with my little brother!"

Omg, Black's bitchy face when he throws the handcuff key away.

I don't identify with Black a whole lot and he's honestly a bit incoherent as a character, like somebody's pushing faders up and down with his various traits depending on what they need to have happen plotwise. But even though I don't want him to keep White away from Sean & the others I still kinda feel for him there.

That's pretty true. Well, I think they're kind of deciding if he needs to be the opposite right now or if he needs to be someone who cares for White and/or their cause.

porridge Bit of a damn right moment.

towel Yeah, there are a few relatable things there.

Being protective of your twin is real, of course. And he doesn't like Sean and probably has seen a really bad side of him because of how contentious their relationship is. There's also an element of feeling jealous and/or threatened by your twin's romantic relationships, which I found was more of a thing when we were younger. It's something that's pretty embarrassing so it's hard to talk about and I think often gets swept under the rug, but it's real and it's understandable. I wonder if there's a homophobia and/or gender role thing going on there. Like, does Black perceive White as being in a more vulnerable or feminine position in his relationship with Sean and if so does that seem more like Sean is taking advantage of him somehow?

porridge Could be. We know from earlier events that Black is very protective of White.

I don't feel strongly that I know the motivation there.

But I could make one argument for a possible interpretation. It could be that Black wants to protect White from Sean because he doesn't like Sean, but mostly he wants to protect White from their radical activities, keep him away from lawbreaking and risks.

towel It's kind of perfect that when Sean finds White-not-dressed-up-as-Black he not only has his glasses on (which seem to symbolize White being White for a lot of the remainder of the show) but a white t-shirt, something that gets dirty easily and wouldn't hold up well in Black's style of life.

porridge And he could resent Sean that much more as a result for keeping White tied to them in another way.

towel That's true.

porridge That interpretation is sort of optimistic in the sense of giving the writers a lot of credit. But I think it's plausible.

Even if Black isn't consciously homophobic, there's a subtler kind of gender thing / homophobia-lite factor that could be in play. Where that person suddenly seems more vulnerable than if they were with a girl.

towel Yeah, I think so. And I think they may seem more vulnerable than if they were perceived as being "the man" in that relationship

porridge And he's smaller, etc. He's new to the group and to their risk-taking, etc. Bunch of things connect. But of course the gender piece isn't rational or correct. It's just the sort of residue of homophobia that gets in people's brains.

towel I'm trying to remember that meme or whatever it is. About the horror of being known versus...well, the appeal of things that require that you are known

That meme is what came to mind watching this scene where Sean meets White as himself.

porridge One more thing about that scene. I also liked how relieved Sean seems when he learns White's name. That seemed meaningful. No idea how much of that is me looking through my twin lens.

towel I guess it's "the mortifying ordeal of being known." I think White is very much having the mortifying ordeal in that scene. I just went back to the scene and that's where I was, at the point where Sean asks White his name.

It's a remarkable thing to have fallen in love with a person and not to know their real name but you can imagine how much you would want to know.

[discussion of doctoral program practica and names]

porridge Yeah. Watching back a little and a big part of Sean's epiphany is that Black doesn't catch him in a trust fall. Just looks at him like he's an idiot. A big part at that moment; it's clearly a test so he already suspects.

towel Good point. It's remarkable that after Black has already behaved this way he still does that trust fall without holding back.

I thought it was interesting when they had White think, in voiceover, that he was surprised that he could feel so close to Sean, that he thought he could only feel that close to his twin. I go back and forth on what I think about that. I'm not super fond of the comparison because it's such a different type of connection. But I guess I can relate to it in some ways. Especially when you're young, it can be surprising when anyone can be close to you in a way that's even sort of comparable to your twin. Okey doke. How about a silly question to mull over?

porridge Yeah sure

towel If we were in a world that operated under Not Me universe rules

Who would I have to sleep with to make you wake up from a coma? I tried to think of a real [porridge] nemesis and the only person who came to mind was someone who used to work in your office whose name starts with a [letter].

porridge HA

towel I wouldn't go near her with a ten-foot pole except maybe if it would bring you back to life. Works for me!

[Porridge’s answer is somebody she was very close to at one time who she then had a sort of friend breakup with. then we talk about emotionally unavailable people and those who are attracted to them.]

Lemme see here. I was trying to remember what happened with White and Eugene. I spaced out a little at that part and I wonder if it's because I was getting pretty uncomfortable with the idea of White pretending to be Black with Eugene. I think they kissed? And I was like, please get out of this situation. But I think I spaced out on the show in an avoidant way at that point because I can't remember if anything else happened between them or if he got away and if so, how.

porridge He actually drugs her which is not great...

towel Gracious

porridge He's in a position where he's trying to avoid a lot of things while trying to get some information from her about what happened to Black, and he doesn't do anything to her while she's knocked out. But it's not an okay thing to do by any means.

towel I was going to look up the Eugene scene and I went to the window where I had been watching the episode 12 part where Sean sees White as White, and there was an interesting line. Sean said he had had a feeling because Black seemed so different, and White said, "Your feeling was pretty slow!" Kind of resentful that it took him as long as it did, even though at the time he wouldn't have wanted him to figure it out.

porridge If you read between the lines / fill in some blanks yourself you could say that while we saw White being generally relieved the others didn't work out that he's not Black, he wasn't always completely happy about it and about pretending. The more involved he becomes, and certainly the more he cares about Sean and is invested in something between them.

His feelings aren't made apparent after that initial relief.

towel Do you think White kind of gets a bit softer after Black comes back? Like, that he seems to become more of a contrast to Black? Maybe it just seems a bit like that to me because of the contrast. Black coming back also just leads to some emotional scenes, so we see more of Sean doing things like crying as well.

I'm going to mention something for later because I'm scared of forgetting: there were a few times when Black and White broke some "twin rules" I have for myself and I was like, "you can't do that!" but the biggest one was White getting Black's tattoos. They show his arm getting tattooed during the opening credits and every time I'd see it I would cringe so hard. You can't get the same tattoo as your twin unless you get intentional bro tats!

Of course then I found myself thinking about how much harder it would be for me to simulate your tattoos. Not just because there are more of them but because they're much more complex. And I think one might be in the same spot as one of mine?

porridge That to me is so kinda preposterous to begin with that I didn't get to the point where I was like "that's not allowed." A new tattoo doesn't look like an older tattoo so unless Black got his a month ago it's ridiculous.

But I agree, that's against the rules.

towel Oh gosh, I couldn't stop thinking about how his tattoo and the piercings weren't going to look right because they were still healing

In a way, the next day the tattoo might look more correct than it would a week later when you get that layer of skin falling off

porridge To return to your earlier point, it's confusing because if White seems a bit gentler and softer, is that the comparison? Is it an intentional choice among the filmmakers and Gun to contrast them? Did White maybe relax in his efforts to seem like Black once he felt accepted?

Also, maybe White is occasionally grumpy and seems more Black-ish and that has factored in at some points.

It would help if Black were a more nuanced character, though he is SOMETIMES nuanced.

towel I feel like those are all possible. Some of it is just the comparison and the events of the story at the time, but I also think that the writers/director were probably playing up the differences at least to some extent. And as you point out, Gun probably was too.

I feel like Black has the most depth when it comes to Eugene, but it's fleeting and not that nuanced.

porridge Having had an ear piercing since I first saw the show, I feel more like the piercings are plausible because he doesn't change posts. In the case of those, the main thing that would be visible would be some swelling for the first week or two and the gang likely wouldn't notice that.

I'm not sure whether Black has more depth with Eugene or if she's tied with White and Todd for interactions with actual feelings.

Black's Todd-related emotions include a lot of anger and rage, but in a way IMO where you can tell Black has actually let Todd into his world and has confided in him in a way he may not have done with the gang or others in his life. Maybe because they go back so far.

towel That's true. You can see why people ship Black and Todd, write fic about them, etc. I mean, I don't think there's actually something going on there in the show but he feels more strongly about Todd than almost anyone. He shows more emotion interacting with Todd than he does interacting with White.

porridge It feels like he's guarded with White partly out of protectiveness, though it's also clear that he's not eager to open up to White hugely. He cares about White but he really just wants White to do what he says, and hearing more about White's feelings and thoughts won't help with that.

towel Anytime one twin feels responsible for their twin's safety, it's bound to have some big downsides when it comes to their abilities to be emotionally authentic with each other. That's what I associate with it, anyway

porridge And they've been apart, but Black has maintained his childhood scheme for their relationship.

towel Because the person protecting is overloaded (they aren't supposed to have to take on this responsibility) so they're bound to be reactive to the protectee being distressed.

porridge As a protective twin and kinda parentified caregiver toward my twin (at some times in some ways), I didn't want to boss you around but when I felt you were in danger it was incredibly difficult not to feel like I could do anything about it.

towel I know that must be a feeling that comes up a lot--like, the horrible powerless feeling when someone you love is in an abusive relationship.* But I'm sure there are unique aspects of it and a lot of intensity when it's your twin..

I was looking for some other parts of the show to comment on and I found when White sees Black for the first time and I thought it was interesting that he says that unlike all the times he imagined this moment, it's "surprisingly frightening" (I think that was the wording. I find it remarkable that he says it's "like seeing my doppelganger." Because Black isn't the doppelganger. White is! "I stole my brother's entire life and he wanted it back. Such a doppelganger.")

*I (Towel) was in an abusive relationship for most of my 20s. Naturally, this was really hard for Porridge.

porridge You're right, but that experience (as I imagine it, having not gone more than like 9 months without seeing my own twin) would be uncanny to anybody in a way where you would lose all perspective about like recent events.

towel That's true. I guess I feel like the narrative kind of lets White off for his actions a little too much. I mean, his replacing-Black actions. There's very little time spent on the fact that Black doesn't like that he did that and it's not like he had his consent. His motivation to protect his brother matters but it doesn't negate everything completely. And of course Todd is nudging him along the whole way because it's in his interest for the anti-Tawi stuff to continue.

porridge I get what you're saying but I don't think that’s in service of making White out to be so perfect, I think it's more about keeping the narrative clean. There's a hypothetical version of the show that uses that to interesting ends.

towel I guess it just seems kind of lazy to me, or convenient

porridge And Black does tell White that the others won't want him around once they discover he's been lying to them. And White thinks (voiceovers) the same about Sean specifically.

towel I'm probably more interested in those implications because I'm actually a twin.

It's kind of wild how readily they're okay with it, the group, I mean. Maybe people are more likely to forgive that sort of thing if your twin is a huge butthole.

porridge If I wanted to explain that I would say that on some level they already knew.

towel I was wondering what you thought about the whole separating twins as children thing. I'll explain just a bit.

You pointed out that it doesn't really make sense for White's and Black's parents to think that separating them is going to change their psychic connection and I agree. There's no justification for that. But it reminded me of other ideas about how somehow twins being "too" close is going to be bad for them. I forget if I sent you a link to that recent article* but I remember I definitely shared a passage from it. This woman is kind of musing about her relationship with her twin and some of it is kind of self-indulgent but there are some good bits, and my favorite is where she talks about separation.

She talks about this case where an adoption agency separated a bunch of twins and adopted them out to families, never telling the families or the kids that they had twins. And there was a researcher kind of in cahoots with them who interviewed the families and the kids over the years to observe them, looking at the twinship angle but pretending it was for other purposes. It's all incredibly unethical.

But the justification was that being dependent on one another is unhealthy so twins are better off apart.

I wonder if that's part of what singletons find scary about twins. Maybe it would be better to say it’s a thing that scares them when they see it (or think they see it) in twins. And that's dependency, or more accurately, interdependence. Of course, that's kind of a culture-bound reaction. But in an individualistic culture like we have in the U.S., being sort of born into an interdependent relationship could seem horrifying.

*The article I'm referencing here is Giving Away My Twin by Jean Garnett, which came out on 7/10/23 in the New Yorker

porridge That's horrible. Would be even if they were non-twin siblings.

towel Yeah. Some of the saddest examples were from a book by Anna Freud's partner* talking about kids she observed when they ran a place for kids who were sent out of London during the Blitz.

*Anna Freud's partner's name was Dorothy Burlingham and her book was called Twins: A Study of Three Pairs of Identical Twins with 30 Charts

porridge The thing is, and I'm not saying there isn't any closeness kind of inherent to twinship. But yeah, any siblings can be closely dependent but when you add that to the appearance of twins people get wigged out.

Though I do know of kids being punished for being too close to their siblings, referred to negatively because of it, etc. Non-twin siblings.

towel I do think that being the same age increases the chances of being close or relying on one another.

porridge Yeah I don't discount that.

towel But yeah, it could happen at other ages and is totally penalized in some families.

porridge But I'm saying do the people outside that relationship perceive the additional closeness or do they just perceive closeness plus twin appearance

towel I do think that they overestimate it a lot based on twins looking similar.

But it gets kind of chicken-and-egg there, because part of what makes you closer is everyone treating you like you're a) weird, b) a unit with this other person, c) unbelievably similar to them, etc. Like, you know that closeness is expected, and you can get excluded by others because of their perceptions of your twinship.

Well, I was going to say that separating twins for no reason like that adoption agency is something I think most people would find disturbing. And separating twins the way White and Black were separated would probably seem like a bad idea to a lot of folks. But there are smaller examples of this that are really normalized. Like, I remember feeling really surprised, almost startled, when I found out that there's no empirical basis for [the idea that it’s] better for twins to be in different classes at school.

And I really think that became a convention because of that thing where twins being close--or just the prospect that they might be--freaks singletons out.

Maybe even more so when you're talking about adults who are considering a set of twin children. I know in our family of origin it was sometimes implied or even directly stated that our relationship somehow undermined the parents' authority.

And that's sad, because what you're talking about is children’s ability to provide each other comfort. Like, these are adults who basically resent that you have an ally who will make it harder to break your spirit.

porridge And you shouldn't be dependent on your children being ineffectual to parent.

towel Well, I think it's interesting how their separation is dealt with in the show. I'm tempted to go back and look at that part again, actually.

It's both treated as more and less of a big deal than I expected.

Like, it's not treated like it's nothing, which I think they could easily have done. But if they were going to acknowledge that it was painful, I wish they'd acknowledge it more.

At this point we got sidetracked and trailed off. Of course, this post is long enough as it is! That said, I do have some additional thoughts about Sean figuring out the twin thing, as I noted above. I'll be posting about that soon. And I wouldn't be surprised if Porridge and I end up having other thoughts about all of this down the road.

[naranjapetrificada]

Academic excerpts as a framing device

So in the ask game I've been enjoying today, @piratecaptainscaptainpirates asked an interesting bonus question about the academic blurbs I've been including at the start of each chapter of From the Firmament that I started answering on that post, but things quickly go long enough to merit their own post so here it is! The question (as such) was:

(also, I was just re-reading From the Firmament and I will never be over the academic article excerpts. They're just such a neat and fun inclusion! I'd love to hear about your process while writing them, how you go about working them in with each chapter's themes, etc.)

Whatever specific idea that spawned the fic itself is now lost to the vicissitudes of ADHD memory, but it was born in the context of a lot of Thinking About Tropes in ways that were new to me at the time. In particular I was interested in a different first meeting, specifically one that involved Stede actually visiting the Queen Anne or being taken captive by the QAR crew, and Ed having to react to Stede under those circumstances.

I started playing with a draft in that vein that I'm going to come back to at some point, but the other trope I got really interested in (both as a reader of fic and also just like, intellectually) was arranged marriage. Basically every version of that I could imagine required an entirely different world than the canon one, and once I started casting about for the right circumstances I started thinking about history a lot.

The academic blurbs started as a worldbuilding crutch when I was first trying to get the fic together at the beginning, and it was easier to gather all that kind of information in a "just the facts" format when starting out. They started taking on a more concrete form when my thoughts about history intersected with 1) stuff I'd read before, 2) stuff I was reading at the time, and 3) a joke that got out away from me.

1) Two of my favorite novelists period are K.J. Parker (who I've mentioned at least once in the fic's notes) and Guy Gavriel Kay, both of whom are obsessed in their own ways with history in a way that come through in their fantasy work in interesting ways. Kay tends to straightforwardly mention in-world history and historians, without mentioning specific works but making a point to draw attention to the fact that he's speaking from outside of the characters' perspectives. Here is an example passage from Kay's Under Heaven, which is presented in its own separate section between character pov chapters:

It was said to be the case that the emperor's favourite wife, regarded by some later historians dangerously subtle and too influential, played a role in encouraging him to keep that agreement--with a view to securing Kitai's boundaries.

Meanwhile Parker, who includes the names of specific fictional works and specific fictional historians, is more likely to bring up history in the flow of the narrative, when at any time the next sentence could discuss history and/or in-world philosophy:

Saloninus, in the Exceptional Dialogues, speculates about the end of the world. Will it be a great sundering, the sky falling on the land, or a great inundation, the sea gradually rising until the last treetop is drowned, or a great fire, or—Wrong. The end of the world is like this, and a deaf man who couldn’t lipread wouldn’t even realise what had just happened.

I enjoy both of these approaches despite (or maybe because of) their differences, and when you've read as much of either author as I have this sticks with you.

2) at some point after I started playing with the idea that would become FtF and the draft of Chapter 1 coming together, I picked up Parker's Sixteen Ways to Defend A Walled City. One thing I really appreciate about both Kay and Parker is that they almost never tell their stories from the perspectives of rulers (with the occasional exceptions of rulers who began as commoners and are usually, like canon Blackbeard, some combination of bored, overwhelmed, and made miserable by their position at the top). Kay tends to alternate between a few main characters, with individual one-off outsider POV sections, while Parker tends to have several characters whose alternating perspectives cover the whole story. In either case those characters usually span the middle 3/4 of their given society, neither prince nor pauper. People who aren't starving but aren't wealthy, mid-level bureaucrats, low-ranking government officials, generals who we met as lower officers, etc. This was true of that novel, and helped me arrive where I did with Ed and Stede in my WIP's world (yes they're both high ranking, but neither is a ruler as such because that didn't interest me). I think looking at them in the canon world and realizing where I wanted to put them in the world I was building led to point #3:

3) "Wouldn't it be funny if Stede was accidentally incredibly influential?"

In some ways that question is a central question (and joke) in the show itself. Like, this guy shows up and starts doing things differently because he can't help but be who he is, and his desire for the world to be a better place then spreads beyond anyone's wildest dreams? And yeah Stede isn't the catalyst for the end of traditional piracy in the world (that's the British Empire, their culpability as represented by the death of Izzy "The Avatar of Traditional Piracy" Hands), but he is the catalyst for it on board the Revenge. And the place he was able to influence intersects with the wider world after a series of accidents and unlikely events, and even without season 3 (😢) we can see the way the world is changing now.

And how that got out of hand was I started thinking about contexts where accidentally becoming important to history would be the most unexpected (and therefore the funniest) and ended up at republican-era Rome. Something about the pomp and circumstance and veneration of it all, and then here's my favorite little guy with his inherent kindness and autistic whimsy, ready to turn everything on its head.

And from there: the blurbs just became a means to an end and the best way to draw attention to that joke. I couldn't stop imagining people talking about Stede Bonnet the way they do about Rome and laughing about it, so here we are.

As for your process questions: I tend to write them on their own, whenever a given topic seems interesting or like something that could fit into the world. The blurb in chapter one kind of just sets the stage for things, but when I first wrote it it was significantly longer and was much more about the documents cache it mentions, because at the time I was thinking about historical document preservation. Since it needed to be much shorter and kick things off I just reshaped what I had to serve my purpose. I do still have plans to incorporate the rest of it later!

The second one came from thinking about Edward "Daddy Issues" Teach's relationship with violence and how having a father who is different from canon was still going to allow violence and daddy issues to still intersect. The idea for the arrows it describes is lovingly (if shamelessly) borrowed from the Parker book I mentioned above, in an attempt to create a situation where Ed could still have (misguided) ideas about the capacity for violence being something inherent about a person.

Lastly, I'll say that while I'm not intending the opening blurbs as obvious statements of purpose for the chapters that followed, they do fulfill a worldbuilding purpose relevant to where they show up in the story. So the first one is, by necessity, an introduction, and the second one is both meant to inform and remind everyone of the bad blood that exists between the parties trying to bridge the gap between them with the marriage. I won't say yet what the third one is but I will say that I've foundered way too long working on Chapter 3 because I didn't immediately establish which one I wanted to open the chapter with. So they're important scaffolding, important worldbuilding, and in the way of worldbuilding they'll be relevant to later things when those things come up.

Thank you so much for asking this question, it was super fun and helpful to nail all of this stuff down like this and get it out of my head!

[youredreamingofroo]

hey rooo 😝 4-6 for the editing questions!

gatekeeping this post under the cut, it got lengthy 🤧🤧

4: If you can remember, why did you start editing?

Okay, so this may be a little off topic, but it still talks about editing LMFAO but I started editing mainly cuz one day I saw Minimooberrys renders and was like WOW okay, I want to learn to do THAT and editing, so she was a MASSIVE inspiration for me to start, not only that but I also watch solitasims and lovvvvvveeeddddd her stuff, and wanted to do what she did but mix in editing :) (I think that answers the question, idk I guess like, I've always wanted to edit, but more importantly the want to learn how to render and also do storytelling in TS4 helped motivate me to start editing if that's a better answer)

5: if you caption your edits, what do you decide to put in the caption?

I tend to keep the caption relatively clean (tags are where you get my reaction and shit LMAOO), if you take Leo and Roos posts for example, they're song related, so I'll put some lyrics that I think correlate to them and the scenes placed in the post ("and then you looked right back and caught my stare"), or sometimes scenes not necessarily mentioned in the post, but can be heavily implied or just assume occur ("It's really nice to talk to you, it's really nice to hold your hands," which implies that they talk a lot and that they do hold hands a lot, whether it be romantic or platonic 🤧). There's other situations where I don't have a song (tbf the Reo posts were the first posts where I did put songs agsiabs), like the valentines day prep posts, I just put "valentines day preparations: [sim perspective]", or like in earlier NSB posts, I just put prev / next cuz idfk what to put in the caption. With more recent posts, ive been trying to caption the posts with something related to the characters (like cataleyas drowning post, where it basically lays out the metaphor for the post, which is "too much love from the wrong person").

6: give us a quick breakdown of your editing process

WOW okay, LMAOO well, I'm gonna have to whip out my laptop for this one

For Cas shots: Usually i put cas shots together, so first thing I do is import the images I want to use in a 6000 by 3000 canvas (to preface: I do all my CAS ss in the dimensions 3000 by 3000), and I usually choose from a few mental presets, two headshots and a body shot, two head shots and a half body shot, three body shots, and theres more to list but im not gonna do all that LMFAO so after that, I place them in their positions and then erase the black background (which DOES get tedious when two screenshots sorta overlap and have to make sure theres no black left around the sim), after that incredibly tedious and unnecessarily long process, sometimes I play around with flipping the character around (in the case of two head shots and one body/half body shot, I make the headshots face toward each other, so basically headshot > body shot < headshot- if that makes sense), although that can be placed anywhere in the editing process sometimes I do it earlier on or later on doesnt really matter lmao. Around this point, its just final touches, looking for weird shadows (which is USUALLY more prominent in blender renders, but it can happen), places where shadows look a little too sharp, and cleaning up those spots. For the VERY VERY final touches, I use sharpen and depending on the shot, contrast or saturation, I sometimes use the hue tool to make a certain color brighter or a different color, however I avoid the latter because it creates a weird effect on the picture, the sharpen tool is important for this part, because I tend to make the sharpen effect stronger on closer shots (head shots), or i dont change settings that much for decently faraway shots (half body shots) and i try to make full body shots to not have SUPER strong sharpen, but i tend to go on the lower end for full body shots aisuhdg

For in game screenshots: This is a bit different, so I import the screenshot that I'm using into a 3840 by 2160 canvas (the size the screenshot was taken with), depending on the shot i may add text, the font i use is Walter Turncoat (in most instances, they vary for different posts lmao), I make sure to color the text depending on whos talking or whats going on, a good example is in the catty drowning post and VDAY prep post, I dont do "[character]: [text]", i like the element of figuring out whos speaking (EVEN if it can be frustrating for me), i try not to make it too challenging to figure out, around my level of reading comprehension (/j), so like Catty is pink, calico is yellow, etc etc. I dont use as much sharpen with these shots since theyre clean as is. A lot of my shots like Gifs are pre-planned and thus is a different story, but in short I usually just edit the gif frames as usual and then put them together later. I also have a custom set of black bars to put around my screenshots bc even tho i do use reshades black bars, sometimes bloom or DOF messes with them, and have to put a clean set above them. I dont really know what to say that is quick, I guess for more "complex" shots, like with moodlets or text messages, i just get the assets online and then edit them for myself 😭

and LASTLY, for renders: Trying to keep this short, I usually just do what I do for the aforementioned shots, but like I said in the CAS shots, weird and sharp shadows are more prominent and I just edit those to make them cleaner and then also just add sharpen and make it brighter or more contrast-y idk 🤧

[i-belong-in-a-retirement-home]

"I have already picked groups for your project."

HEY LOOK, I DECIDED TO ACTUALLY WRITE!!!

This is going to be the actual beginning for my omegaverse InuKag fic. I'm gonna call it "Just One Kiss" for future reference. Anything I post under this will be tagged as both "an a/b/o inuyasha fanfic" and "Just One Kiss Fanfic" Other ficlets I previously posted are already under the former tag! :)

This little ficlet sneak peak is roughly 450 words. Just some characterization and premise stuff. This scene is from InuYasha's perspective. Some mild language, idk

Class was too early for InuYasha to care. He had been up late dealing with his on and off girlfriend Kikyo. He had missed out on several hours of sleep, so he laid his head down to try and get a nap in before class started. Instead of sleeping though, his head spun around Kikyo.

I don't even know why she called me… could have been a broken nail, given all the dumb crap she apparently needs to tell me. I need to stop answering her late night calls.

Groaning to himself, InuYasha picked his head up off the desk as the bell rung. The teacher started with introductions, explained the goals of the class and such. About ten minutes in though, two girls came stumbling through the door.

"Oh! Sorry miss! The bell was broken! We didn't know where the class was!" they fumbled. The woman held up a hand to pause them and gestured to the empty desks.

The teacher said something about her late policy, but InuYasha heard none of it. Right next to him sat the prettiest girl he had ever seen, Kagome Higurashi. There was no getting close to her though, thanks to her jackass boyfriend Koga. The fool hated InuYasha, admittedly, InuYasha hated him too. But it had been so long that neither of them could even remember why. Since, Koga fought him on sight, InuYasha had watched from a far for close to four years.

She was the closest he had ever come to a goddess. The gentle curve of her lips, the flutter of her warm, caramel eyes, enthralled him. Worse of all though, her scent.

While it was slightly suffocated by Koga’s disgusting scent, it still ebbed off her like a tsunami. A mix of honey, and cherries, and a something he could never quite put a finger on. It was intoxicating, drowning him in the sweetness.

And now she's sitting next to me. How the hell am I supposed to focus?

He could already feel a knot building in his stomach. It begged him to shove his face into her for even more of her glorious scent. So instead of acting on the ridiculous thought, InuYasha tried to casually cover his nose and turn back to the teacher.

"The majority of you grade in the class will rely on a group project that you will work on throughout the semester. As this is a Government class, we will run a mock election. You will have to put forth a candidate from each group and run a mock campaign," she stated. "As I don't want to waste any time, I have already assigned groups. Once you are in your groups, the rest of the class period will be spent getting to know your group."

[grinwolfe]

TLDR: yep, it's a problem. Best we can do is adopt and adapt to Ai.

I'm doing a degree in compsci right now and I agree. The cat is out of the bag. Ai is a tool that can do some really amazing things but right now it's being utilized for profit from bad actors or just theft. The next 2-3 years are going to be very hard for creatives because that's how long it will take to pass legislation to create a framework to wrangle AI use. And due to legal framework on the internet being all patchwork (which country is the company based in? where are it's servers located?) Legislation passed in one part of the world may not affect you depending on which websites you frequent (the USA is an exception due to it's large number of companies and servers on its soil).

The (good?) news is private companies will often follow the most restrictive internet laws if they want their business to be wide reaching. On the flip side, if you violate internet law from a certain country on a server/business in that same country, you may be extradited to face prosecution - may, because sometimes laws are unjust and your government may ignore the request (looking at Iran.) I'm just learning about all of this right now so it's fresh in my head.

Where does this leave artists and AI right now? Nowhere, there's no laws or protections yet. Perhaps in the future we will be able to curb what people do on the internet but we have never and will never be able to control what people do on their private devices. Perhaps in the future we will create a 'blue check mark' of artists and content creators that certify they're human and it is their stuff. Perhaps that will be undermined by new tactics/hacking/rampant AI drowning content out. Perhaps we will restrict AI LLM models with licensing and traceability. If they put a price tag on licensing, people will steal it and crack programs open and remove the tracing to avoid copyright laws, putting us back at square one. There are solutions to this problem but it will require radical new perspectives and novel tactics to design and enforce. Everything is work, nothing will settle into net positive system on it's own.

In passing I've heard about nightshade, but I don't know if it actually works. I suspect the enthusiasm for 100% Ai created art will die down after its novelty has worn off, but Ai produced art will remain. It will likely become a staple tool for digital artists of the future, creating graphic designers who do more curating and modifying than creating something from scratch (taste and aesthetics is a learned skill that comes from a constantly evolving culture, not something an Ai can understand ...for now.)

My advice is: don't avoid the technology. Learn it inside and out. Use it in experiments. Don't refuse to use this tool, because the people who want to profit off you absolutely will and it's not going away. Use it to your advantage. Keep looking for ways to protect your work. Use Ai to drown the internet in your intentional work that's produced at faster speeds. Or don't, maybe find a way to create things that the Ai just can't. Once upon a time commercial signage was produced all by the hand of artists. Now we have graphic designers designing and producing the work of 100 artists. The arms race of technology versus arts & trades has been going on for a long time, and likely will continue to. As an artist and someone learning code, we have got to adapt or we will be left behind because nobody is going to protect us from innovation.

Also, universal basic income is going to become a must to deal with Ai productivity going off the charts.

I think the best way to fight this AI shit is just to support actual creators. The cat's out of the bag with AI; our data's going to be taken and used without our consent whether we like it or not, so maybe we should put efforts into holding up those who create their own stuff. Comment/interact on people's writings and art. Make it worth them posting; make it clear that what the people are interested in isn't generated stuff, but things that people have actually done themselves. It's a drop in the ocean, but showing creators that it's them that deserve the support at least serves to cut off a tiny bit of oxygen to these AI hogs - and make a difference to creatives who are trying against hope to share with a community.

[lauvra]

I was just reflecting on how far I've come. Pre 2019, I had barely any consistent creative output. Here are some things I wrote in 2018/19 before beginning to write consistently.

SEP 17 2018. I’m so scared of hearing the truth. All I want to do is write it all out of me. Weaving thoughts don’t cure, I’ve spun web upon web and am no nearer to the conclusion. I’ll tell you how I feel; sure, any day of the week and loudly at night but emotions are manipulations of skewered individual perspectives likely untrue. If they’re from me about me they’re probably negatively geared. I started avoiding conversation with my housemate because over time nugget after nugget of unsolicited advice would slip out his mouth to land at my feet during everyday dialogue. The rest of the conversation blurring out with my attention after each one, I stare down at the growing pile of steaming advice turds, “you know what your problem is?” and “you worry too much” “you need to” “you should just.”--"-but" I reply internally, "today I went to lunch with my partner during his lunchbreak, made conversation with a barista then a gallery curator, sampled tea at a store that asks 1 organ per 10g of spice. Today I looked a beggar in the eyes, unafraid to show kindness without giving money, pity or guilt. I bought a birthday card two months in advance for someone I love and edited the profile I created to find a flatmate in a stranger; to live independently." This guy thinks he needs to tell me what my fuckin’ problem is? “Yeah yep” I agree: “I think too much.”

JULY 25 2019. Yesterday afternoon on a descending escalator, I looked seriously into a friend’s face and told her, “I think something is seriously wrong with me, with my brain” and wanted to be heard and she heard me. She laughed, looked back and said, “there is definitely something wrong with you” but that it was okay--that there was a bottom to this thing and that we could get to it. “I don’t really know you, do I?” My mother said this to me over the phone recently and it’s become the bubblegum webbing my fingers. I’ve begun journaling again.

SEP 25 2019. Somewhere along the line I became regimented within my own chaos out of dire necessity, every day is dedicated to prevention. When I find myself in a moment of enjoyment I really notice it. I stopped living in the world, stopped really soaking in and romanticising my environments the way I used to. I can’t believe the recall of some people, the details they can pen to paper. I try not to look at anything, I know I can’t keep something beautiful, nothing is mine. Every moment is one to get through, remember so little of what I see. That’s why intoxicants are alluring, you feel present. I can’t do the dishes without hearing dozens of hypothetical conversations, spend too long in the shower because stories rhyme around in my head. I never feel alone. I drown the world out as much as possible with headphones, always know what song's next, the hours of my week spent on a shop floor unable to drown out the world are intolerable. I am this person; made of this stuff and I live although it’s pointless.

SEP 27 2019. 4:24am. Tonight I sat at a stranger's table, rolled him a cigarette; he was honest. Said short hair suited me, that I’m not conventionally attractive but beautiful in a strong way. Earlier, a guy turned to his friends, said, “she’s hot hey, she’s hot, she’s hot hey, she’s hot enough.” Lately I’ve been making peace with my appearance, it kinda just means I have to work harder. Be kinder, more real, because I’m honestly never going to walk through any door and have someone fixated. Of course, this shouldn’t matter and matters less realising I'm happy alone.

SEP 28 2019. If I could launch an eternal scream maybe I’d be okay.

[arabaka]

━━━★ ALL WORK AND NO PLAY...

:*ੈ♡‧₊˚:･reigen arataka x fem!reader

【 cw 】 18+, edging, toy use (on you), overstimulation (you), reigen already came in his pants, unprotected sex, creampie 【 wc 】 1.3k

｡･:*:･ﾟ★ umm hi first fic here !! been writing for myself for a long ass time and got the bug to post >w> pls be nice. or don't and keep it to yourself >__0 i originally wrote this using she/her pronouns from the 3rd perspective but changed it to 2nd person since that's more common on tumblr eek so some stuff may be unedited lol

"I know sweetheart, but you gotta endure." His soothing words might have meant something if he was even looking at you but he couldn't be bothered to give your writing form a passing glance while typing away on his computer.

Biting your lip, you spasm and jerk on your spot on the freezing, long safe by his desk. You're folded over your knees with your ass in the air, face craned and your eyes dead set on Reigen. A trembling hand balled up in a fist tries to reach over to him for aid but finds none when he chooses instead to continue to edit a ghost out of yet another swindled client's photo."R-Reigen, p-please…" Your meek whimpers seemingly go unnoticed, his cold shoulder only making the relentless tingle on your clit more intoxicating. The chilled air nips at your most intimate parts, your folds shivering under a building film of your own juices. 

It’s only when you manage a grasp on the corner of his suit’s sleeve does he pay you a sliver of his attention. His eyes don’t linger on you for long as his hand hovers away from his mouse, taking up an inconspicuous pink remote and casually pressing down on one of its buttons. Instantaneously, you cry out, your voice soon giving way to the much louder buzzing resonating from the toy between your thighs. Your overworked bud convulses under the vibrations but your whimpers go unanswered. At every rumble, your clit cries for relief but the vibrator continues to rub your bud raw. When you open your mouth, attempts at his name drown in drool as your hole flutters, desperate for something more than the tail end of the vibrator currently nestled inside you.

“Need you Reigen… P-Please.” You plead in-between your panting, the searing hot coil in the pit of your stomach threatening to come undone any moment now. You're soaking wet at this point, overflowing into a nice little puddle on safe's silver surface. It's almost too much, your face building a thin film of sweat from the overwhelming tsunami waves of pleasure. He catches the glimmer of your slick from the corner of his eye, his chest tightening with his breath caught in his throat. His finger trembling over the mouse scroll button, he tries to resume his work but when the shaky whisper of his name, Arataka, dreamily floats off your tongue he has to heed your siren call.

Curling and tucking a finger just under your chin, raising your head, he gives you a once over. Glossed over eyes looking into his, your jaw slacks with ecstasy and he knows you're just inches away from reaching Heaven and he’s going to take you there. 

"C'mere." Reigen gently orders, giving a quick peck to your parted lips and he feels a throbbing twitch in his slacks when he watches you crawl over to him. Situating you on his lap, it's not long before your juices start to leak onto his slacks but they were already dirtied; he'd come once just from withholding your own orgasm. Leaning you against his desk, his aching member comes to throb just from the rub of your sweet cunt on his pelvis. “Let’s take care of this first, hm?” You can’t nod fast enough, taking your bottom lip between your teeth as the vibrator is removed, first from your clit and then from inside you. He moves so slowly, you would never know he’s been dying to plunge deep inside you from the get go. 

You're impatient and so is he but Reigen is going as fast as he can, hastily unbuckling his belt and popping loose the button of his slacks. He swears he sees hearts in your eyes when his cock springs forth, still damp from his own cum, and he visibly shudders when the fresh air hits his skin. “Ready?” 

Now’s his favorite part– watching your pussy sink down his fat girth, never once struggling even as he spreads you out. The burn is familiar, nice even, and he fills you up better than any toy ever could. “Never gets old.” Reigen grumbles to himself, hissing as the walls of your cunt cling to him, its ridges massaging his foreskin with relish. Your eyelids are heavy with euphoria and your lips are pressed together tight but a moan pops them open as the engorged tip of his penis runs against your cervix with ease. He’s decided the wait has been too much and he starts to thrust into you, first slowly and with the low tilt of his hips but it’s too intoxicating for him to keep going at that speed. He needs more and he needs it now.

And besides, he's earned it hasn't he? He's waited long enough for you, for you to decide that the edging had run it's course. He knew it would be hell, watching you wriggle and squirm but it's what you wanted. He thought you were kind of mean for this. But you'd make it up to him. You always did.

Smacking your ass, Reigen digs his fingernails into your plush seat, anchoring you to him as he bucks wildly into your sopping wet heat. You have no choice but to squirm and lurch forward, pressing your body flush against his while your babbling moans tickle the shell of his ear. You bury your head in the crook of his neck, nipping at what little skin you could get to. He huffs hot exhales along the back of your neck, treating himself to the tantalizing view of your jiggling backside. “God, you’re so good.” His words ride shockwaves down your spine as you continue to feel the full force of his thrusts all the way to your core. 

Shutting his eyes tight, Reigen can feel his orgasm building up at the base of his shaft. He can feel you coming undone as well, your delectable cunt squeezing tighter with every movement. All the edging has made you sensitive, your walls clinging to him like a vice and spasming as he hits your cervix over and over and over again. You're drunk, sloppy and desperate, on his cock; he thinks you look like a dream. He wishes he had his phone at hand to take a picture. 

“R-Reigen…” Managing the strength, you pull away from his neck and stare at him through half-lidded eyes. “P-Please. Cum inside me.” 

It doesn’t matter that he’s heard those words countless times before. They light a fire in him all the same, his heartbeat thunderously shooting up as he jerks haphazardly into you. Wetting his thumb with spit, he swipes circles around your puffy clit, immediately seeing the effects with the convulsion of your hips. A hand comes to cup your chin, the pads of his digits pressing deep against your cheeks until your lips jut out in a pucker. You look so good, all fucked out and ready to burst, he thinks to himself as he captures your lips in a fiery hot kiss, ravishing your mouth with his tongue. He swallows all your moans, every squeak of his name until the only thing you can manage to say is “I’m cumming, I’m cumming!” 

His balls tighten and his cock swells, forcing loaded strings of his cum deep inside you while continuing to lap up every noise you give him. Tasty. Pulling away, he sets his sights where your hips meet. He’s mesmerized, watching strands of cum break and settle in a pool on his pelvis. You love how clearly you can see him drink up your joined bodies and you giggle, albeit breathlessly, and then murmur against his lips in a sweet kiss, “Thanks for indulging me. Felt good, right?”

He's spent. “Yeah, but that was torture. Having to pretend to ignore you took a lot out of me, you know that?” Still inside you, his cock bobs and it won’t be long before the blood rushes to his member once more. “Can we go again?”

[btnclmrttn]

Hello! AH I've been wanting to send a request but don't know what to say xD Been wondering if you could do a four horsemen x singer fem!reader? Kida like how they act towards her and in the concerts, fans or backstage that kinda stuff. (You can do it if you want to of course! Will always adore your works for this fandom <3)

yes yes ofc my dude I'm loving this ask 💕 sry if it took too long

Fem!Singer!Reader

~~~~

Saitama

You never fail to amaze homeboy over here with your talent

He does ask you to sing him songs, anything you make up or write is perfectly fine, mostly when he's falling asleep. Being baby n shit

Dude is a menace with instruments. Says "hey babe look I can play too" and bust out some god awful ear-ache of a tune. Completely as a joke, thankfully.

He doesn't stick around backstage much but he will sit with you if you're having some make up done or doing some sound checks. Mostly because it's very noisy and it can overstimulate him easy

That doesn't mean he won't attend your performance granted if he gets a free seat lol he's a pretty chill hypeman but hypeman nonetheless

He'll try an keep a distance from you but not too much. He's more private with congratulations and praise so you have time with your fans. Makes you a nice dinner too.

Damn, though, the fact you would be recognized more than him might bruise his ego but he won't admit it because you deserve the spotlight

If you get any hate mail he usually just tries to toss it before you read it. Stuff doesn't get to him like it might you unless it about u and he doesn't want you to have any doubt in your mind how special you are

Genos

I feel I shouldn't have to say but will anyway, definitely #1 hypeman out of the other three

Bro got perfect pitch he can throw you a note of help out if you need it. Or play an instrument for you if needed. Would be determined to teach himself all you can play to help with your efficiency and improvement

Half his notebook is now full of music theory and he's constantly trying to make a logical formula for this form of artistry

Dude is always backstage and will go out of his way to make sure everything is perfect. Ppl might get annoyed by him but others really appreciate his assistance with sound checks and what not

He would also rather stay backstage/helping any tech crew if needed when watching you perform. Mostly to avoid any screaming that drowns out your perfect voice. Best seat in the house

You could probably make a whole botanical garden with the amount of flowers he gives you. All at fucking once

High alert when you're around fans. Has quite the face if they get too close. He doesn't want any perv creeps trying to have a way at you.

Respectful tho and steps away if ppl come up and ask for a photo/autograph. He's so proud of u bro

All hate mail is incinerated. All haters are damn near the same.

Sonic

#2 hypeman over here, to say the least. He comes with musical talent

(HC) His village had their own traditional instruments and styles of music. It's a nice perspective when expanding territory and a sweet bonding experience trying to teach each other your respective skilled instruments

He is a busy guy but he always tries to at least stop by to wish you luck. He's great to have around if you might have forgotten anything, as he's quick to fix it/get.

Sometimes he chips in with any stage makeup you may do (lemme tell u, he'd be great at any alternative or gothic subculture makeup)

Also tries to attend a full concert but if he has to go he'll try and be back for the end. Always has a flower for you

He doesn't have a problem with fans at all. He's happy you have people that you inspire and that look up to you.

Of course he is on standby for creeps. He's quick to trip them on their ass and nobody would know what happened. Or a smack on the back of their head

Has a personal hit list for haters (stop him he's srs)

Garou

He is such a simp it's rediculous. He LOVES that you can sing

Doesn't know shit about music though, sorry. He sucks to say the least. Would probably fuck up playing a triangle

Could also be sung to sleep but he's too embarrassed to ask. Even humming works. It could knock his ass out cold

He is always following you around (from a distance) backstage. Doesn't say much, just observing. He's trying to learn some idea about how things work so he doesn't feel completely ignorant

Also hangs around during a show but WAY on the side. He stands out from the crowd though no doubt. He looks like a body guard and would probably be there for you before your actual body guards

The concept of your fans threw him WAY OFF at first. Might experience jealousy. Strangers just basically toppling you for your attention? Thinks they need a life secretly. He can handle it after shows but surprises in public makes him him a little bratty

His praise is subtle, and a little awkward. He just gives a blunt "Nice job" while avoiding eye contact. With enough awkward silence he'll tell you what he liked about it. He's really trying but he has no idea what to say if you've heard it all before. V proud of you tho

Put this man on a leash or he'll tear every hater/hate mail to pieces. It won't be pretty

[amuseoffyre]

It’s 7:30am on a Saturday and I just rolled out of bed and natch, my brain has decided this is a perfect time to have a look at the Ed and Izzy confrontation in episode 10 from a gender-related perspective. Well done, self. Bravo.

Throughout the course of the show, Ed never loses the essence of who he is. This is important. Yes, he might like soft things and - when deeply miserable and depressed - might be happy to wrap himself in a velvet and silk-lined dressing gown and curl up in a pillow-fort. Yes, he might do soft sad things like write angsty emo song lyrics. But he’s still who he was.

What I find very interesting is that Izzy will absolutely tolerate it as long as it’s not presented in the public sphere. He takes Lucius aside and says “no matter what you see or hear” and forbids him to talk about Edward’s emotional state “on pain of death”. It parallels the way Ed cloistered himself in his cabin in episodes 2 and 3, never appearing on deck until Stede was in danger.

But this is where the gender-related stuff comes into play. I’m non-binary and when watching this with a trans friend (who - like me - is only out in a very limited way for safety reasons), it hit us both very, very hard.

Ed comes out onto the deck. Ed expresses himself. He shows his feelings. He wears soft things. He tells the crew and the increasingly-antsy Izzy “I do want to be called Edward from now on”. Like he told Stede in episode 9, it’s nice to “just be Edward”, something he’s never had a chance to be.

For decades, he’s been masking in a dozen different ways to fit in, to conform, because that’s how queer ND people work to survive. He’s finally seeing a way he can be himself instead of maintaining the lifestyle that made him feel like he was “treading water, waiting to drown”.

So the confrontation happens.

“This... whatever it is that you have become is a fate worth than death” has the distinct ring of someone who has not/will not accept their relatives GNC behaviour. Izzy saying he would rather have seen Edward dead than become something he does not accept and is physically repellent to him. We’ve seen him react that way as far back as episode 4, when Ed dresses in Stede’s clothes, snapping that Ed is just “an unpleasant shell of a man pretending to be Blackbeard”.

“I am still Blackbeard” “NO. This is Blackbeard”

No, Izzy says. No, I want you to look and act like you did before. I want you to resume your hyper-masculine appearance because that’s acceptable to me. I don’t accept your new identity. I don’t accept your new presentation. I want you to put aside these things that are clearly making you feel happy and better about yourself, because they’re not what I want/see in you. I want you to be like this picture of your old self because I - personally - do not like you like this.

The “I am still Blackbeard” line and Izzy’s rejection of it makes me think of so many posts where relatives of trans/NB people wailywail over the fact “the person I care about transitioned/came out and now that person I knew is dead and there’s someone else in their place” and the person in question is still there, they’re just in a happier and healthier place after transitioning.

It’s very deft writing on the part of the writing team, using these parallels. And the final and brutal stroke of it is when Ed loses his temper because Izzy mocks him for the loss of “your boyfriend” and then beams in delight because “there he is”. He’s proved a point that no matter how much Ed might just want to “be Edward”, what Izzy wants from him is still there: the aggressive, hyper-masculine man he finds palatable.

“Blackbeard is my Captain. Edward better watch his fucking step” is the final nail in the coffin. You want to be called Edward? I don’t accept this and will not call you by your preferred name. I will call you the name I want and respect and appreciate. Your wishes are not relevant here.

I can’t speak for others, but personally when I first tried to take tentative steps to come out and be myself and was shot down in flames, I slammed back into my closet so hard you would not believe it. They would only accept me behaving a particular way? Fine. I will do it. I will do it so hard you will never have a reason to doubt me, so I won’t feel as terrible as I do right now.

And that’s what it felt like to me when Ed donned the leathers again. Specifically because he didn’t just put them on. He pinned up the picture of how Izzy expected him to look and referred to it. He’s been himself for his whole life, but in this moment, Izzy wants him to be this version of Blackbeard? He will take this portrait and will make it so. He will look and act how he’s always been expected to look and act. 

But even if he puts on the leather and he puts on the paint and is Blackbeard again as Izzy sees him, he is also still Edward.

(also aaaaaaa on the parallels of “you brought the greatest pirate to ruin” as Stede being faced with his own learned belief that queerness is bad and destructive and this scene as an allegory for detransitioning for safety! Aaaaaa!)