#and feeling less sure of myself than ever
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not the best with words
Bakugou Katsuki x Reader
Word Count: ~500
CW: none
Emergency Request Fulfilled: I'd really like some comfort from Bakugou.Ā Lately I've been feeling ... frayed. Every minute of every day feels like 2 seconds away from doing something stupid or reckless or harmful just to hold a bit of power over myself again, and I think the only thing stopping me is the fear I'd learn that even my very worst coping mechanisms can't help me anymore. A stack of weighted blankets can really only do so much to hold a person together, ya know?
When you ask Katsuki to Talk to me, he isnāt quite sure what you mean. He doesnāt consider himself to be the best with words, and he very nearly tells you so Whaddya mean? Iām not good at that. But a single glance at the brightness in your eyes, too rehearsed to be happy, convinces him otherwise. Really, he wishes you would talk to him. Tell him whatās wrong. Tell him why youāre wincing away from his touch, your fingers clutching tighter and tighter at the sheets ā why youāre looking at him like he could save you. Heād be willing. Truly. But save you from what?
āKatsuki?ā
You say his name strongly. Stronger than the way you gnaw at your bottom lip, and stronger than the jolt of your knee when he tries to brush his leg against yours.
āIām here.ā
And he knows you need more than that. He knows by the dip of your chin and the loudness of your breaths; by the sinking of your shoulders and the restlessness of your feet ā he knows he should say something. Anything.
āI made a sandwich today. It was pretty good,ā he pauses, a rush of awkwardness warming his ears, āI saw that rose bush on patrol. Itās budding now. Iāll take a picture of it when it blooms.ā
He blinks at the feeling of your palm on his chest, your eyes finally closed as a smile tugs at his mouth.
āDeku called. I told him I was busy. He knew I was lying. Whatever.ā
You nod knowingly, toes pressing into his shins as he continues.
āI love you. I know somethingās bothering you. I love you. Iām terrible at this.ā
āThank you.ā
āFor being terrible?ā he scoffs, kissing the top of your head.
āFor talking to me.ā
āWell duh.ā
A quiet giggle fills Katsukiās heart as you look up at him, eyes still too bright, but less guarded ā shiny.
āYouāre crying,ā he says carefully.
āIām sad.ā
He shrugs, āThatās okay.ā
āIām falling apart,ā you clarify.
āThatāsā¦ not okay?ā
You snort, āI know.ā
āI can keep talking.ā
And he does. About his day and the weather. About his ideas for your next date together and the stupid idiot who got stuck in a tree. About how his parents are doing and that Eijiro wants to hang out soon. About how heās worried for you, but sucks at being worried. About how heād protect you from the world, but I canāt. About how heās running out of things to talk about, but I guess I could recite my favorite recipes? Or see how many birthdays I can remember? Because he doesnāt understand. He doesnāt understand why youāre crying, why youāre sad, and definitely not why youāre falling apart. He doesnāt know how or where to fix your hurt. He isnāt certain he ever could. But he does consider himself to be in love with you, and he is entirely sure that Iām not going anywhere.
#katsuki bakugo#katsuki bakugou#bakugo katsuki#bakugou katsuki#katsuki x reader#bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#drabble#boko no hero academia#my hero academia
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a personal milestone š„³ + author's note
i finally made it š (there is probably another 10k sitting in my drafts, but i have always tracked word count for this project as a sum of already-published installments)
also a (somewhat long) journal entry below:
ā
This has been the main project in my life for almost two years, now (I started writing on 1.26.2023). It's my first proper attempt at a novel, and it's one of my first times ever posting original work anywhere š
It's hard to say how I feel now, perhaps because I feel too much.
Where to go from here? I considered dropping the series entirely before I hit the milestone because I was very tired. In a way, I felt like I had said everything I wanted to say. But I think I also love this series a lot more than I can properly verbalize.
To be completely honest, writing this series was so lonely. To work for so long on something that I could not show to nearly anyone irl (not family, not close friends, not peers, not strangers I met who I talked to about art); to spend hundreds of hours on something that I could only ever post to a small subset of people... all of that was very lonely. I'm sure other creatives have felt this way too.
And at the same time, hearing what people on snzblr thought became probably the most potent source of happiness in my life (is that pathetic? Maybe so.) I don't think this project was self-sustaining at all; I think to some extent, I wrote it because I wanted to hear people tell me that they liked it. I realize this is a terrible and unsustainable reason to create art, but that's the truth.
On some level, though, I kept writing because I loved Y+V. They've been at the forefront at my life for almost two years now š I spent a long time teaching myself how to write them, and a lot of the themes & choices in the series are quite personal. Embarrassingly, I still want to talk about Y+V all the time.
When I posted to ask if I could send my unfinished/unpolished WIPs, some people reached out to offer to read them... and then I never sent anything over to anyone. I think a part of me could not get it through my head that people would be willing to read something completely unpolished, because... well, frankly, a lot of my drafts are just pretty unreadable; I typically only post things that I have already cleaned up. More importantly, I felt like sending my drafts to peopleāeven people who had given me explicit permission to send them!āwas selfish and troublesome.
On some level, I also felt the same about asking others to brainstorm with me: I felt like I was asking them a favor which I did not know how to pay back. Perhaps this is just another way in which I have been cruel/uncharitable to myself, but I never imagined people enjoying receiving my drafts. I could never convince myself that for those people, giving feedback/discussing ideas might not actually be a chore. I was always scared to make writing less of a lonely process because I could only think about how easy it would be for me to ask too much.
This is probably the most honest I've been about this particular subject š I am not good at gauging what constitutes 'too much.' I feel like I can get carried away when someone expresses interest, so I try to preemptively position myself as someone who does not impinge on others... I think that even outside of this series, I have defaulted to this pattern of trying to give and trying not to ask. In that particular sense, I am perhaps to blame for my own loneliness.
Anyways! Recently, I've gone back to (tentatively) writing after months of not writing. I'm not sure if I will post another installment here (maybe if the drafts are 'good enough', I will?), but it's nice to write without worrying so much that what I am writing needs to be publishable/presentable.
If you have ever left tags/comments on my work, and you are reading this, I am grateful beyond words to you for keeping me company + for making me feel like what I was spending so much time on was a little more meaningful :') I always go back to reread them when I'm in need of encouragement. Thank you sincerely for the happiness. ā¤ļø
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I... have a confession to make, of sorts. There won't ever be a good time to admit this, unfortunately, so it's best I get this off my chest now, and ask for forgiveness rather than permission.
It has not been easy speaking with all of the flashclones who have made themselves known in the wake of Union's latest raids; both for myself, and the squadron at large. I must commend my squadmates for handling themselves with the utmost professionalism - while my own correspondences with these newest members of the Omninet have been what I would consider adequately polite, I've been biting my tongue the entire time, and I fear that my personal discomfort with the issue is starting to slip through the cracks.
To this end, I wish to share my thoughts publicly, that I might better express my own emotions towards this complicated, frustrating, and highly nuanced issue. I only ask that you hear me out in full before you render judgement, and pronounce your sentence carefully.
First: an observation.
MSMC policy requires that all pilots dictate an end-of-life plan at the time of their recruitment, that their final wishes may be carried out by the company in the event of their death under MSMC's employ. The options provided for this are effectively unlimited, allowing the pilot a great deal of choice and freedom in planning their postmortem arrangements. These plans may also be altered in the future should circumstances change, provided the pilot is of sound body and mind.
Under MSMC policy, in compliance with the policies set forth by Union, one of the available postmortem options is flashcloning.
In my fifteen-odd years serving under MSMC, I have only heard of three pilots who have willingly chosen to be flashcloned after death (thus prolonging not only their life, but their term of service under MSMC as well). Of these, I have only personally met one, affiliated with MSMC-808 "5Q8R3 L00P3RZ" - I believe their current iteration goes by callsign Lemniscate. While I do not know how many times they have been cloned during their term of service, their current iteration seems happy enough, and their squadmates reassure me that they've maintained a consistent identity (plus or minus the odd quirk, as is typical of flashclones) throughout their life (lives?).
Second: a digression.
I purchased my Dusk Wing, And The Voice of Apollo Spoke From On High (Apollo for short), from an SSC showroom on a planet whose name I no longer recall. The curated atmosphere called to mind the high marble pillars and lush green-blue waters of some distant Cradle mythology where gods roamed the earth and mortals strove to emulate them, punished and rewarded for their folly in equal measure with gifts and curses beyond name. Each frame was posed as the statues of old on Cradle, too-human limbs arrayed in too-human poses, each a machine of war turned living art piece.
Apollo, true to its future name, was arrayed in flight; hover-jets draped with sunlight-yellow gossamer, veil rifle aimed in its middle tier of manipulators with the same care and precision as an archer would take with their bow. To see it lowered to the floor after its purchase was to see Icarus fall; to climb inside its cockpit for the first time, to don wax-and-feather wings of my own and fly.
The old tales caution that divinity has a cost, and I too paid the price. A vial of blood, drawn with silver needle and spirited away into an unseen cooler before my pen ever touched paper. Apollo was mine, but SSC had received a far greater gift in its place: a sample of my DNA, unwillingly donated as the price for my divine armament.
Even now, this price weighs heavy on my head like the sword which hung above Damocles, poised to drop without a moment's notice with each new Union raid on yet another forgotten cloning facility. Who can say on what distant planet the children I did not birth sleep in stasis - children with my eyes, my hair, my nose, my smile; sons and daughters who will never be called as such because, to their creators, they are slaves, weapons, property - anything but human.
Third: an explanation.
I believe that flashcloning, in its current state as of 5016u, as approved by Union's Third Committee (and exploited by the likes of SSC, HA, and several countless others across the stars) is an inherently unethical practice; both for those who donate their DNA (willingly or otherwise), as well as for those persons produced by it.
To see countless lives created, manipulated, slaughtered, and recycled in the name of so-called "progress"; to see inherently human beings stripped of every vestige of humanity but the body in which they reside and then forcibly brainwashed and molded into soldiers, medics, mechanics, weapons, machines, slaves, property - it is an abominable and inhumane practice that should have died a slow and painful death in the darkness from whence it was birthed.
This being said: I cannot stand idly by as the products of this inhumane practice continue to suffer. No matter whether it is beneath the apathetic gaze of Union, the dehumanizing bootheel of HA, or the eugenicist scalpel of SSC, I will not allow my fellow persons to endure another day of abuse at the hands of those who would abandon their own creations as little more than imperfect failures for daring to remind their creators of their sentience.
Alone, I can do nothing. I too am but a cog in this great uncaring machine humanity has built, one which prospers on suffering and bloodshed and the work of hands which have forgotten the body to which they are attached. Even if I were to risk life and limb and reputation to make my position known, it is a battle which lies dead in the water - it is impossible to halt the wheels of progress without irreparably damaging the future which relies on their turning.
And so I fight. I fight for those who have forgotten their humanity, both willingly and unwillingly, that they might find something of their own - identity, purpose, desires, connection, life - that reminds them of what they were and are and always have been: human.
-- Angel
#lancer rpg#lancer ttrpg#lancerrpg#// my squadmates do not know I am posting this - I could never hope to even begin to explain myself to them#// I only hope that when this post is inevitably discovered it will be forgiven; just as I have forgiven theirs in the past#OOC: jokes on all of you - you get a big fat lore(?) post as well as art this time around#holy shit this was so much fun to write - P has some COMPLEX feelings on this particular issue and do I ever enjoy writing ethical dilemmas#marrying āmaybe nobody deserves to suffer actuallyā and āholy fuck flashcloning is unethical as sinā was a fun mental exercise#can you tell I'm an old hand in the SCP fandom? because this basically felt like writing a piece for the Ethics Committee#(not that I've ever published anything on the SCP wiki - that shit stays firmly in my Google Docs and the Discord messages of my friends)#I'm looking forward to seeing the feedback to this one; both in and out of character - I suspect this one's gonna be controversial#(also - addressing the elephant in the room: Phoenix is older than I draw her; both she and Slipshod have been with MSMC for about 15 years#(as has been stated in prior tales Kennedi has only been here for 12 years - she may be less experienced but she sure knows how to lead)
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Oh! I nearly forgot, but can I ask the significance of this panel?
It comes directly after Dee explains that he canāt come and see her from the future whenever he wants. (Which is one of my favorite moments where Deeās true eldritch horror leaks in to the story), so I assume itāsā¦ sort of a metaphor? How Emily finds herself at the foot of something she realizes is much, much bigger than she contemplated before?
(Also, I just wanted to compliment you for this panel)
(The first time I saw it, I imagined Dee was showing her this on purpose, time traveling from sometime the same day to really show her what it would be like. An object lesson.
The second time I saw it, I started to wonder
Because Dee himself doesnāt really look aware of what is going on behind him.
And maybe, just maybe, this one moment in time has become the only moment that Dee allows himself to come back to to see Emily, the one moment where he can get lost in the crowd with every other time he came back to look. The one moment where heās explaining why he canāt come back.
Justā¦ Makes me sad, and I wanted to say thank you for that too, because I love these characters and the story they tell, the sweet and bitter.)
Oh!!!
(Quick test of my ability to find which chapter stuff happens in)
I love your reading of that Uluru panel!! I think I probably didnāt intend anything that deep with it; these time skip montage style chapters are pretty choppy and Iām usually trying to figure out a way to touch on all these brief scenes or moments that I donāt want to spend a whole chapter on for whatever reason, and arrange them in a way where the cuts arenāt too hideously abrupt. For visual reasons I try to contrast different locations and not put 2 dialogue heavy moments directly next to each other. Mood wise, I donāt really want to cut from something serious and angsty to something thatās a complete backflip on that. I also sometimes just feel like drawing a nice landscape and hope it achieves my aims on these fronts haha.
I think also here I was trying to move from that final sentence, āThe present is more than enoughā, to demonstrating them appreciating having that present together - being able to go do cool and enriching stuff, something not completely mundane but not completely fantastical either. (I mean... sightseeing within your own country is extremely normal, but going to Uluru from Melbourne... not a convenient day trip, since itās 2000km; 25 hour solid driving, or you can fly in a few hours but I think you have to go via Sydney, so that makes it take at least twice as long I guess. Not that it's specified how long they're there for. I havenāt been myself but Iād love to one day...)
So, yeah!! More of a mechanical/compositional rationale than an intentional metaphor, but I think your reading makes complete sense and actually improves the page! (Sometimes I do intend visual metaphors... but sometimes theyāre just happy accidents.)
And thanks for the compliment re the crowd of Dees!! I also love the moments I can lean into his eldritch qualities... theyāre sadly few and far between but maybe that helps them be more surprising?? Definitely your first reading was what I intended, that he zigzagged back pretty quickly, probably even from within the conversation, but there is an inherent ambiguity to Deeās time travelling where unless I take pains to spell it out, there really is no way to know when heās come from. Even if he can be assumed to be taking every interaction chronologically, thereās no knowing how much time has passed for him between each visit. I donāt even know how to estimate how long his experience of time is, when heās zigzagging back so densely all the time; even the number of living things on Earth any moment is an incomprehensibly mind-boggling number. That eldritch horror again!
Truth be told I hadnāt thought of him coming back to this moment and blending in with the crowd for the rest of the future ;_; but thatās so real... he could well be, the sad sack...
I had a different sillier thought from slightly misreading your question on first pass, which is that maybe he doesnāt originally know whatās going on behind him, but then later on as heās just going about his business he goes āoh I know exactly how to punctuate that thing I said earlier!!!ā and then does it as an afterthought. Oh to have the ability to add the things you wish youād said to an earlier conversation š
#kind words#man i could ramble on about dee's time travel for so many words but i PROBABLY shouldn't#there's a page coming up (in chapter 54) where on one panel i have drawn dee multiple times#and for this ONE panel it's supposed to be showing time passing while he does stuff#but because he's a time traveller and every single other time i've ever drawn him multiple times in a panel it's been him doubling up#it's way less obvious a use of that device than it is when I do it with emily!!!#i have also commented on this on the alt text on that page#because i think it's fun and whatever i'll repeat myself i guess#ALSO. deciding when i can imply that dee has teleported off panel and when i feel it needs to be drawn explicitly... tricky!#for the panel above i decided i didn't need to draw it but it sure leaves that ambiguity#on a different page in chapter 54 i originally left it implied but then changed my mind and added it explicitly to the page#idk. ask me about which moment later if u remember and/or care to lol.#and the funny thing is i think there is an in universe version of this#where - in my head at least - dee can teleport and return with great subtlety and precision when he wants to#such that he could do it without people noticing unless they're watching very closely maybe#so he adds a bit of performativity to when he teleports so that emily always knows (or doesn't know that he can be sneaky)#BUT this will probably never come up unless i can either find a clear way to indicate it or for some reason Dee decides to mention it#so it will probably remain non-canon#i only consider the comic itself canon. i say all sorts of stuff outside the comic that i change my mind about later#plus death of the author and whatever
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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In the words of Jessica Day, "Work sucked today, my friends"
#at least im 90% sure she said that once#anyways it sucked. a LOT#i i paid for something i shouldnt have causing my boss to have to reimburse me and they were. less than pleased#and like i get that i should have communicated better but maybe so should you guys?#i dont know. i think im not completely in the wrong about this but its hard to tell right now#i just want to cry and not think about it ever again#at the moment only one of those is happening#i just. it cant have been ENTIRELY my fault#and i honestly dont know why its such a big deal#but my boss and i have VERY different minds#uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh#i feel like everything turned out fine but i also feel like its all my fault and everything sucks#and maybe i should stand up for myself but. i do. not. want. to#i KNOW im gonna say my thoughts on it and theyre gonna say something else and ill be like uuuuhhhhh#sure yes whatever im clearly wrong#sigh
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the amount of effort that goes into figuring out what to cook and eat every day is RIDICULOUS. i used to think people were so weird and boring for eating the same thing every single day but it truly does make life so much easier
#and also it's nice to know exactly what your food is going to taste like before you eat it#like when i get unfamiliar takeout. half the time i'm like. oh.#i'm going to have to eat all of this. or be judged.#so i just do my best to suppress my gag reflex and Get Through It and then it makes me sick so what was even the point#i think my parents spoiled me. and the most annoying thing is they're significantly better at cooking now than when i was a child#so when i go over i eat three delicious home cooked meals + snacks and they're all different and amazingggg#and then i come back to texas and i am like. googling 'how to feed myself healthy vegetarian'#because I do NOT have the time or money or energy to cook three beautiful delicious meals Just For Me#i think this would be easier with a partner#this whole week i bought a fuckton of mediterranean groceries and i have been making and eating food!!#mediterranean is close enough to indian that i like it well enough#unfortunately for me. i am def going to have to learn how to cook indian food to get through life. because i cannot fucking eat american#i don't know HOW you guys do it i'm so spoiled#i'm assuming meat is this really amazing wonderful thing that just adds flavor to everything#(it is physically repulsive to me and the couple times ive accidentally tasted it it's bleh so i refuse to partake)#i think it's an acquired taste but it magically makes ur food better. that is my understanding of how meat works#cause american vegetarian food is the saddest fucking thing i've ever tasted#i still think about my coworker i was talking to about my food issues and he was like. 'do u understand that you have been given a gift#by having constant access to tasty food your entire life. i ate unseasoned green beans every day of my childhood. learn how to fucking cook#indian food already.' truly a horrific thing to hear. but i'm calling my parents more and going HOW TO COOK VEGETABLE? BEAN? PLEASE HELP??#and by god i am not going to turn into my coworker.#anyways we start with baby steps. lentils and rice it is next week .-. going to the indian store to buy pickles to make it more tolerable#and i have my cabinet full of spices already at least#i wish i was less pickyyy#sometimes lalita cooks indian food for me and i'm like wow. i love and appreciate u for feeding me. but this sure is south indian food#i don't understand How they use spices. it feels like they toss as much of as many bottles as they can into every dish#and it's. the taste is just OW OW OW and nothing else. where's the nuance. the flavor.#and i like it when things are spicy!! i can even eat things where the flavor is just Hot. but not when she cooks it.#she will like watch my face when i take a bite and then go 'if you don't like it i'm throwing away all my pots and running away'#which. honestly a fair reaction. the problem is that i am incapable of lying
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computer search how to make being disappointed in yourself productive
#bluebird.txt#sigh#i should've i should've i should've#and should i (ha) blame myself? is it my fault? at least a few things are definitely my fault.#it wasn't out of laziness or malice i simply didn't think about some things#or i wasn't strong or confident enough to push for things#and i also simply didn't know. i didn't know how could i have known?#will i kill myself (metaphorically and mentally) over this?#well i shouldn't !#but what do i do?#go forward right? but i have regrets#they could be worse#in the long term this is something i can 'fix' or get better at and thankfully its not an interpersonal problem#or not really#in the future i will be more assertive and confident even if i feel less knowledgeable#and every time i have a question i can't find the answer to on my own (or am not satisfied with my own or the internet's answer) i will Ask#i won't be scared to ask anymore#it's scarier to be unprepared bc i didn't ask than to be scared someone will think you're dumb#not knowing something is not a lack of intelligence it's a lack of knowledge#and whatever it is. JUST FUCKING ASK!#and when you're in a group is your fault ever solely your own?#surely if you're an asshole yes but#how much should i blame just myself? how much is it offensive to others to blame myself alone?
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do what you want forever actually. just because more people have eyes on you doesn't make you less human. I think you should be kinder on yourself and remember that you aren't just here to make content: you're a complex individual with a lot of thoughts on things and you shouldn't be afraid to share them out of fear of backlash. and if you ever feel like "maybe I shouldn't say something?", take a step back, deep breath, and ask yourself why. Please take your time and remember that you are loved and appreciated, and that those are the people who should matter most to you. not meaningless hate from people who don't even totally understand what they're defending. now go have a spectacular day, I was possessed to write this
Thank you so much. That means a lot. š„²
#Iām gonna be totally honest sometimes I forget Iām a person#because my following has grown so much over the years itās hard for me to see myself as anything but thre creator of Lumi#like itās a title I love and Iām very happy to hold#but itās also justā¦ difficult in a way#seeing people see me as a huge inspiration is cool and really sweet#but itās also very scary#i feel like I have to be a huge example for other folks out there#and if I mess up or write something regarding an opinion it has a bigger impact than Iād realize it to be#as someone whoās trying to break into the animation industry itās. a lot. for sure#i constantly worry about messing up and not doing things properly#but seeing this was a great reminder that I am after all just a person. Iām complex and flawed and no less human#so thank you for this genuinely#it means more than you could ever know#Evan bleats#anonymous
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how the fuck is it already november 25th?!!?!!?
(time is so fucked up)
anyway, happy one year anniversary to my fic āif only there was more timeā and posting on ao3 for the first time!
sincerely canāt believe that iāve been writing for a year, how did that happen???
#i still canāt believe i decided to post anything at all#i remember wanting to keep fic writing to myself#but right after clicking post on ch 1 i went to my roommates and was like#guess what i just did!!!!#i didnāt even know i liked creative writing until this fic#but i feel so incredibly happy that i found this hobby#it helped me in so many ways#it got me out of the cave#i got my creative spark back that i foolishly thought i lost#this is the largest writing project i've ever worked on#i had no idea what i was doing at any point#the idea just needed to get out and i tried my best#is it completely accurate to the characters? probably not but whoās to say?#i like to think i have some idea now but i can never really be sure#i sincerely love this fic despite its flaws it'll always hold a special place in my heart#also still canāt believe that ppl actually liked it and left such nice comments!! that's actually crazy!!#like iāll never get over that it still doesnāt feel real#here i am now with 6 works and 227k words in total written#that is so fucking much i have no idea how i did that#and how the fuck did i write this fic in less than 6 months??? where did that drive go???#anyways shout out to my followers that are here bc of this fic#i love you more than anything <3#and to the few that have read the entire series: i will write the last installment one day!!#i will not leave it unfinished!!
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Also feeling sad that my meds havenāt Fixed Meā¢ļø like they sort of felt like they had a month-ish ago. I do feel a lot better in generalā¦ like despite feeling tight-chested again this morning, it doesnāt physically hurt which is good. But idk I wish it was some kind of miracle cure or whatever lol. I know mental health doesnāt work that way but a girl can dream
#Iām really worried for when I move out and school starts again#in LESS THAN A MONTH. SWEATS#I feel like Iām either going to love it and be happier than ever or completely fall apart. no in between. maybe both at once idk#sorry to be kind of venty at 7 in the morning š Iām sure Iāll be okay later today#also making a promise to myself that I WILL RESPOND TO DMS BY TONIGHT#š
š
#wackyposting
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really nothing more detestable than a coward
#monumental vent post incoming don't read the tags if u don't want to š«”š«”#about me to be clear. disgusted at this part of myself that I don't seem able to change at all#even ppl who do shitty things. at least they have confidence and intention and purpose. u can admire that#nothing lower than someone who harms others through inaction. someone who knows the right thing to do and can't bring themselves to do it#really subhuman in my cowardice. I don't think anyone has ever deserved respect less. I don't think anyone has ever been this useless#I contribute nothing to the lives of the ppl around me or to the world.#I could never be the hero of any story.#not suicidal but what is the point if I'm this useless. sure I can enjoy my life but I will never contribute anything to anyone else's life#I will never contribute anything of value to anyone's life. I will never be able to help in any meaningful way.#I can't even bring ppl the brief simple joy of laughter.#maybe that's why I like characters who were raised to be tools. at least they're given a purpose. a skill to hone. a cause to contribute to#even if it's like a bad evil cause that hurts them. at least they earn their existence somehow#I'm really like a waste of oxygen#ppl ask why we're here and I answer that I'm here to have fun. as if that's enough. is there anything more selfish than that#as if I've earned that. as if I've ever been anything but a burden on the ppl around me. ''I'm here to have fun'' god you're disgusting#I. enjoy my life. I just feel like I don't deserve to. I haven't earned it. I'm disgustingly useless#disclaimer I'm not suicidal and nothing really prompted this I've just been. thinking.#having new bad realizations. do u understand how privileged I am if I tell u I've never had these thoughts before#and I will think all this and continue to act as selfish and cowardly as I have always acted. I will continue to be paralyzed by inaction#nothing worse than someone who apologizes and then doesn't change their behavior#narcissus's echoes#vent
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#tag talk#fuck. I might just be a straight woman.#like. I like men. and the more I transition the more I vibe with binary womanhood.#sure I don't like getting shoved into restrictive femininity. but I vibe with womanhood as separate from femininity.#anyway. I might be straight. and In ten years it's very possible that being trans becomes a much less huge part of my life#because it will stop being something that I do and something that I wish for and simply something that I am#yeah yeah whatever hi my name is Reggie and I like men#I just. as much as I don't like certain restrictive gender roles I find myself slotting very comfortably into others#and I realize that my idea of gender and their roles was very much shaped by my female role models growing up#and a lot of the disconnect and distress when growing up was due to not being able to follow the path everyone else did.#all my girl friends were growing up into women and I was stuck on the man track.#and being gay was the closest I could get to being myself#but I'm closer than I've ever been before to being able to live my truth as myself#still not gonna shave my legs unless it's sometime in the future for a very specific event.#I like them fuzzy. they make me feel cool.#I like having some cultural masculinity still. I just don't want to be defined by it#talking about my binary trans experience is always a little weird because I'm aware of how binary I'm describing things#and I get that if my words were used to describe someone else's experience it might end up sounding hella transphobic#but these words are for me. they're my experience. they're my life not someone else's.#and this is how my identity works.#it's like how feminism protects the right of trad wives to be trad wives.#we just gotta recognize that just because one woman wants to be the designated dishwasher not every woman feels that way.#anyway. I might be dating a guy by this time next week. he's cool so far and we kinda got match-made by a mutual friend#we watched Redline tonight and it's hella good#he's really cool but I feel like I've got something to provide and to bring to the relationship. so we're still on peer-level I think.#which is new. usually I'm way ahead of the other person. maybe my fault for fishing in the bad fish barrel#the emotionally damaged and burdened fish barrel.
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congrats on taking T and experiencing voice changes, that's so exciting!! š„³š„³āØāØ
thank you!!! it's been a period of intense learning of myself and my place in the world and I wouldn't trade it for anything
#fredfinch#soupy post#if you will allow me to ramble further in the tags since I haven't really talked about this very much <333#it was something I was really not certain about for a very long time. I kind of needed to start it to understand my feelings about it#and now my feelings are 'yay!' and singing joyfully#(singing is amazing. every day my range changes and I sound more like myself. I feel the vibrations in my chest and it feels like home)#I'm very grateful to the circumstances in my life that have allowed me to make my own decisions about my body and experience#I have a trans healthcare provider and I wish I could give that gift to every trans person seeking gender affirming care#they are so wonderful and have gone above and beyond on my behalf#they let me be unsure. they did not push me one bit they made sure I had all the info and answered every question I had#I asked if I could decide if I wanted it on my own at home and they said absolutely. and I obviously decided to move forward#I don't think T is something that I will be on for the rest of my life but right now it absolutely feels like the right thing#I am getting permanent changes that are gender affirming for me and I understand elements of my gender even better#I feel intensely masculine but less like a man than I've ever felt in my life. I feel very connected to my butchness tho#and extremely extremely connected to my voice <3#anyways thank you again for your message mr fredfinch it put a great big smile on my face
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#theres a special kind of agony in tryinf to find an apartment in an college town with a housing shortage#everythings expensive as fuck and im sure its frustrating for everyone but i feel like its especially frustrating for me#bc it takes me so much fucking time to understand the information right in front of me and then i doubt myself so i have to check and check#and double check and triple check that im on the right website. that im inputting the right info#and its like. what if theres a better place i could b looking? like i found a management place to apply to thats expensive but less#expensive than another place but the building looks like its kinda on the edge of town like 15min drive from school#which i hate bc im an anxious freak and its gonna b worse than driving here bc itll get icey as fuck there#like proper inches of snow all winter. negative negative cold. so its like. do i take a nice apartment thats kinda far away#or a slightly more expensive apartment thats like 10min from school and more in town#and then theres the application stuff. and i cant fill anything out without having a full on like sobbing breakdown#but im that way abt everything. i do that all the time when i have to buy plane tickets#its exhausting. and i cant plan my exit until i know when i can move into a place. whatever. it doesnt help that my hormones r fucked rn#or i hope its the hormones. ive been so tired. so so tired. like sleeping 9hrs and still tired when usually im wired after only 7hrs sleep#i hate it. and super brain foggy. and this week i have to finish taking measurements for the last time#so i gotta decide if im gonna go in tomorrow or Monday to start it. its gonna suck so bad bc im gonna try to do it in 6 days. which will b#agony. but after that ill never have to do it ever again. ugh. im just so tired and i dont wanna limp my way into a new project feeling#like damaged goods. which is exactly what it feels like now. ive just done a very good job of making my job difficult#cant go into the lab without feeling physically ill. drained away all my joy. now theres only a sad distant recognition of how far ive#allowed myself to fall. i kno ill feel better once i have a place to stay and i can quit my job just getting there is taking an eternity#unrelated
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I kinda feel like I've just hard erased any happiness or elation I had from being done with school all just so I wouldnt get asked a stupid question anymore I hate this I hate this
#gamer txt.#not once have i actually fucking wanted to go to college this was just the only way to make ppl stop asking me about jobs#but im realising now that was a stupid decision and i hate that i made it i hate tgat i had the chance to back out and didnt#the only thing that made school worth it before was my friends that was the only time id get to see them#now im going back to school completely without them like a fucking idiot#i know college is different from highschool i get that and i do want to learn fab weld but fuck me this was dumb#i know damn well im not going to make any new friends during this course im more terrified of people than ive ever been#and i stick out from my class like a sore thumb#whats worse is my nervousness from this has started fucking with my appetite and hunger and that is the worst possible thing it could do#that is like the number one way to break me#im already in such a vulnerable state i do not need constant fucking reminders of trauma i cant fucking escape#and im meant to just be normal and be a person and go to class on monday?#im this close š to just dogging it. im pretty sure ill be getting the train in like i could full well just fuck off and leave#its not like they have my mums number she wouldnt know any different from what i told her#can i not just stay in the purgatory of being a teen old enough to be done with school but young enough to not have a job forever ?#please? im not ready for this im not i couldnt be less ready for this why did i let myself succumb to this pressure? i hate it#g-d i havent cried in. months now. this feels so. this is too much this is way too much fot me i cant do this#i dont know how i thought i could when the hell have i ever been able to do something like this on my own#theres nothing to me on my own i dont have any confidence i dont have any strength i need my friends for that and i dont have them
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