#and every time i feel like a bit of anxiety going into it

[no-144444]

guilt tripping- o.piastri

summary: oscar asks something of you that you know you can't do. you do it anyway and it ends in you two almost breaking up. almost.

pairing: oscar piastri x fem! chronic illness! reader

a/n: hey yall, I just broke two ribs (lol) and got diagnosed with a chronic illness (lmao) so I might not be posting as frequently- just dealing with it physically and mentally so yah 😹

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“I don’t know if I can go,” you sighed, feeling even worse. 

“That’s alright,” he assured you, but you could hear the way his excitement depleted and his mood lowered. 

“M-maybe I can work something out, I don’t want to leave you alone,” your guilt grew everyday, this wasn’t healthy for either of you. 

“I don’t want you over-exerting yourself,” he spoke softly into the phone. “I’ll just ask mum if she has any friends that want to go or something. She always brings a million people with her.”

“I don’t want to leave you hanging Oscar. Melbourne is a big race. I’d be happy to come over like a week before, and then come to the race once I’ve had a few days to heal,” you bargained. A 22 hour connecting flight was not something you’d ever wanted to do. You couldn’t do it. You knew the pain would be too bad, yet you still stood there, offering it anyway. “And then I’d come for the race on Sunday, or just small bits on all the days.”

“Really?” his voice picked up, excited now. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure Osc, I love seeing you race,” your smile was more of a grimace than anything, but still, the guilt in your chest lessened as you listened to Oscar speak animatedly about the race weekend, while your anxiety ran through the roof. You couldn’t do all the things he wanted you to do, you never could. This had been a problem at the beginning of your relationship, every time he’d plan a date that wasn’t dinner or a movie, you’d have to break the news that a 15 kilometre hike wasn’t something you’d be able to do on a whim. Things like that took planning, physio, and preparation. Your chronic illness was no joke, and had limited you since you were a teenager. In the past few years he’d gotten much better at everything, from helping you with your physio exercises, attending pilates classes with you, knowing what to do on bad pain days, and always looking out for you in public. You knew he was just getting away with himself, and you didn't want to disappoint, so you agreed to it all, hoping against hope that it wouldn’t be a bad week of pain or flare-ups wise. 

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You got into Melbourne and sobbed when you got in the car. Thankfully, it was Hattie picking you up, so she just held your hand as you silently cried, the joint and too much to bear. You went straight to bed as Hattie explained to the rest of the house that you were exhausted, and Oscar took it at face value. You usually get extremely tired after long days, and you’d just had a 22-hour day of travel. 

“I’ll go check on her-” he started, desperate to see you but Hattie cut him off. 

“NO!” she squeaked, trying to not sound suspicious. Oscar raised an eyebrow. “She’s really tired and she’s already gone to sleep.”

“Yeah, well I’m tired so I’m going to bed,” he explained, stretching then yawning. 

“Osc,” Hattie sighed, knowing she had to tell him. “She’s not… alright. She can’t do 22 hour travel days like you or I can. She has Lupus and she’s still trying to figure out her medication, so it hurts all the time. She cried from the airport to here, all to support you because you asked her to, and she feels guilty every single time she can’t say yes. She’s done real damage to herself by coming here. I want you to understand that, do you understand that?” 

Oscar nodded, because the other option was breaking down into tears. Yes, he’d felt guilty that he couldn’t be there to take care of you while travelling, and he knew he was asking a lot of you when he asked. The guilt settled deep in his stomach and made him nauseous, but still he continued on to his bedroom where you were sleeping peacefully. He could see the puffy eyes, the red nose, the open bottles of medication on the nightstand. He wrapped an arm around your waist, another in your hair and pulled you as close as possible, whispering teary sorrys into your ear. 

When you woke up the next morning, you knew what you had to do. This wasn’t fair on either of you, and you needed to make a change. You quickly (but silently) got up, and started to leave the room, but Oscar grabbed ahold of your hand before you could leave. 

“Please don’t sneak out on me,” he begged, sitting up. He looked wrecked, puffy eyes, red rose- had he been crying? God, had you made him cry? 

“Osc, what’s wrong?” you asked, concern clear as day on your face as you cupped his face with your hands.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice breaking. “I knew I was asking too much when I asked you to come here, I’m so sorry.”

Your heart tightened in your chest. “Osc, I’m alright, I was just tired last night and-”

“Hattie told me,” his voice was deep, deeper than usual, and he pressed a gentle kiss to your hand. “And I’m so sorry.”

“Osc, I could’ve said no if I didn’t think I was able for it,” you tried to reassure him but he shook his head. 

“Y/n, you did say no and I didn’t take it as an answer,” he scoffed. 

You were stunned into silence. “I think we need to have a talk about us, Osc.”

He nodded, taking your hands in his. 

“This isn’t fair on you. I know I can't control my illness, and neither can you. It sucks, but it’s a fact. I wish I could be there for every single race and cheer you on with the other girls, but I can’t. It’s not in the cards for me right now, and I don’t know when it will be. Oscar, I love you so much, and you’ve been with me through everything and I know you deserve someone who can always be there for you, and I’m not that person right now. I love you but I know it’s not enough,” You finally looked at him and he was biting his lip as tears streamed down his cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and stood up, dropping your hands as he paced his bedroom. “You know how much I love you, don’t you?” he asked and you nodded as you held back more tears. “So you know that I still feel your support even when we’re in different time zones or on different continents, right? You know that I value you being in as little pain as possible more than being at the barricade after a race, right? You know that I fucking love you more than I love racing, right? Y/n, I’ve been here the entire time, since we were 14 years old. You’re the reason I get in the car, you make me better, all the time it’s just you. I plan on being with you for my whole life, Y/n. I want to be there for everything. I plan to sit there through every appointment about medication until you find the one that actually helps you, I plan on being there for every day where you don’t feel up to it, I plan on being there for you, always. I never want to let go of you, and yeah, it is nice to be able to see you after a race, and I know that because fucking facetime exists. If you still want to break up because I fucked up by asking you to come here, go ahead, but don’t ever think that I’m without because I’m with you. I am so in love with you, Y/n. I mean it. I want to marry you one day, I want a family with you, I want to be old with you so we get to reminisce on the good ol’ days and make some more while we have time. ‘The good ol’ days’ will be the days I spend with you. More than any race win, more than any trophy, or than anything. My favourite part about a race weekend is coming home because I know no matter what my result was, you’ll be there with open arms, loving me anyways. You’re more than enough for me.”

You crossed the room and wrapped your arms around him, crying into his hoodie as he held you. “I love you too.”

After a few moments of both of you calming down, he finally spoke. “Can you forgive me for being such an asshole?” he asked, wiping his eyes. 

You nodded, a small smile on your face. “I can, can you forgive me for being such an idiot?”

He chuckled. “You’re no idiot,” he picked you up and gently placed you back on the bed lying beside you. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

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navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

[morallygreychaoticneutral]

Astarion doesn't ask for affection because he can't..... yet.

Ah, more tea steeping in this seeming endless sea of thoughts. This brew is a bit strong on the heart. Read with caution.

Warning for game spoilers and talk of abuse.

This perspective is from game content only. How anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right. No blame, no shame, it's your game.

I was always miffed at the lack of initiated affection from Astarion as a partner. YOU ask him for a kiss. YOU ask him for a hug. YOU ask him to tell you thank you after being an amazing partner and killing a massive beastie just for him! Brat...

But then I had a sudden realization. Given his past, affection is probably insanely hard to ask for. Like it can be for a lot of us.

Stay awhile and listen. (nerd)

Now when I speak of narcissistic abuse I am only speaking from what I know about it. I have no academic or phycology degree on the matter. Just good ol' tossed in the pond and forced to sink or swim experience.

Astarion spent 200 years under the crushing weight of narcissistic / psychopathic abuse. One of the things these types of abusers love to do is take what you love and make you hate it and then make you hate yourself for ever having liked it to begin with. All very nasty business that. But it's one of the main corner stones for the cage they build to control you.

They make you feel as if the request of a simple hug is the most pathetic thing you could ask for. Or the most selfish thing as it inconveniences them. They don't want it, why should they give it to you?

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

200 years with a master who used him like a tool. 200 years with siblings that fought amongst each other so much comfort was a liability. Nights coming home assaulted only to be mocked for your tears. Insulted for your need of comfort.

"Pathetic! Weak! Disgusting! "

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Affection was nowhere to be found there, I assure you.

And for a Narc. anything given is expected to be "earned" in any way they see fit. And if you were "rewarded" with anything, it comes at high price.

And how dare you not find it fair. You ingrate!

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Hugs are pathetic. Kisses are an intrusion. Or they become gateways to other unwanted behaviors. To be held...what are you? A baby? The only way you are going to get held, is down.

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue.. The pattern continues.

But you ask HIM for a kiss. And he says..

"There is nothing I'd like more."

And he means it.

I'd bet a mountain of gold he wants to just ask you himself. But years of conditioning to expect pain when seeking pleasure probably keeps him in a choke hold. Like rats that are shocked every time they try to eat food out of a dish. They learn it is safer to starve.

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but they might think i'm weak. But if they ask me first then it's them who wants it and they can't degrade me for it because they asked, not me. It's safe then."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or hug, but they might reject me for being too needy and shame and berate me for being so selfish or demanding of their time and person. But if they ask they have time and want me to kiss/hug them."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but my primal brain keeps telling me they might demand more than I want to give in return for it. But if they ask, I have the power of negotiating the outcome."

This leads me to believe he would view sex and affection very differently as well.

Where most find affection safe and nurturing, it's anxiety educing and unsafe. It means there are feelings and if there are feelings there is the risk and fear of rejection or judgment. It's much scarier.

Where most find sex to be connecting and intimate, it's been used so much it's lost any meaning. Something you can do a thousand times over and walk away the second it's done and feel nothing afterward.

This may even be a part of the reason why he wants to stop having sex.

He wants to connect with you in ways denied to him. He wants the experience of being courted, treasured, nurtured. It means so much more to him than sex. It is so much more connecting.

Feeling this way is wretched and lonely. The most basic instinct is to want to seek comfort in the arms of those who love us. But it's broken. The risk is too great.

And it's hard. Because you could be the sweetest most honorable Tav in the whole of Fearun. But after being fed poised apples one too many times, all apples appear poisonous regardless of if is true or not.

I have no doubt that this prickly elf soaks up every second of non sexual affection you give him. And truly is grateful for your patience while he slowly and carefully disarms the safety measures he put in place to survive. The fact that he even allowed you to touch him like that at all was a monumental act of trust. And why not? You are incredible after all.

I'm going to go ask my elf for a kiss now. And then cry in my cup.

[drabblesandsnippets]

Whatever You Need

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Plus-size female reader

Summary: (3.3k) Bucky comforts you during a rough time. 

Background: Reworking of this snippet. It’s been a rough few weeks (for a lot of folks, I’m sure) and I couldn’t stop thinking about this one. To everyone who struggles with their mental health, please be kind to yourself. 

Warnings: 18+ Only. Mention of insomnia, depression, anxiety. Angst. Fluff. Attempt at a bit of humor? Soft and sweet Bucky. Established relationship. Pet names (sweetheart, doll). Non-sexual nudity & touching. Kissing. Cuddling. Brief mention of/alluding to past sexual intimacy.

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You sit by the open window, breathing in the heavy scent of the steady rain, listening to the thunder getting closer. You should be in bed, with Bucky’s arms wrapped around you, snuggling you back to sleep. But, you can’t seem to make yourself go.

It’s been weeks of this. Insomnia. Depression. Anxiety. Every day, things feel just a bit more hopeless, like you’re barely treading water, surely to go under at any moment. Rationally, you know this will pass, as it always does, you just have to wait it out and hope you don’t drown in the meantime. 

The closer the storm gets, the more anxious you feel. As if the energy of the weather is triggering your fight or flight response. You push open the window a bit more and scoot closer to the screen, imagining yourself out in the storm, getting soaked to the bone. At least then you’d have a reason for the way your body is currently shaking.

“Sweetheart,” the tenderness of Bucky’s voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you glance over to find him watching you from the doorway. You have no idea how long he’s been standing there, wearing just his underwear and an obvious look of concern on his face.

You let out a heavy sigh and bite back the unnecessary apology, turning your attention back to the storm, a wave of guilt making your stomach flip. Bucky’s done everything he can to be patient with you, and never once has he made you feel like you’re a burden, but it’s taken an obvious toll on your relationship. The way you’ve kept him at arm’s length, scared to let him see how much you’re really struggling.

Your racing thoughts are interrupted again when Bucky comes closer, now barely a foot from the window nook where you sit. “I just wanna take care of you.” You turn your head to watch him slowly crouch down next to the seat, never once taking his eyes off you, a soft smile on his face. “It’s okay if you don’t want me to.”

You immediately shake your head, needing him to understand it’s not about that. Your mouth opens, the words on the tip of your tongue, but nothing comes out. This is how it’s been for weeks. Words desperately trying to claw their way out, only to get stuck in your throat with no escape. 

The frustration easily builds, fresh tears pricking your eyes, and you look away again, letting out a shuddering breath. Bucky should just give up on you. Leave you to wallow in self-pity and loneliness. He never will though, no matter how much you think you might deserve it.

“It’s also okay if you do want me to,” he continues, his hand slowly reaching out towards you, the tips of his fingers ghosting over the blanket wrapped around you, waiting for permission to touch you. 

Bucky sees you, understands you in ways no one ever has. Your independence is your shield, something you’ve carefully cultivated. You’ve handled everything that life’s thrown at you on your own, and relying on someone else doesn’t come easy. It has absolutely nothing to do with him, but he can still be there for you, if you’ll let him. 

“It’s okay if you need me to take care of you.”

His gentle assurance breaks your resolve, the tears currently blurring your vision spilling over your lashes, and the only thing you can do is bury your face in your hands, trying to hide from him. Bucky’s not one to give up so easily, choosing to join you, taking a spot on the edge of the seat instead of breaking the physical distance, his hand now inches from your sock-covered foot.

“You don’t have to look at me,” he promises, letting the words process before he continues, “I just want you to listen, okay? Can you do that, please?” 

All you can manage is a slight nod as you try to stifle a sniffle, your breaths uneven, willing yourself to stop the fresh tears threatening to build. 

No matter how many times you’ve been down this road - both alone and together - it never seems to get easier. Especially when Bucky’s male ego tells him he’s supposed to fix this, that it’s his job to put you back together and all you have to do is let him.

It’s a ridiculous notion, one he does his best to ignore, choosing instead to tell you, “I know it’s scary to admit you’re not okay, especially when you’re still trying to figure out what’s happening inside your own head. So, I’m not expecting you to have the energy to talk about anything tonight, I just want you to know that whatever you need from me, you have it sweetheart, even if you’re never able to tell me what’s going on.”

You try to fight through the rush of emotions, his words bringing a fresh wave of tears, your body aching for his comfort. You’re so tired of being strong, of forcing yourself to power through, pretending it’s not as bad as it seems. Bucky’s your one safe place in this chaotic world and for a fleeting moment, you have the courage to bridge the gap, the tension in your shoulders easing just a bit as you let your hand drop towards him.

He takes it for what it is, catching your hand before it can fall to his thigh and brings your palm to his lips, placing a sweet kiss right in the center. At the feel of your pulse fluttering from his simple touch, Bucky’s smile grows and he’s encouraging you closer with a soft, “co’mere,” his metal hand sliding along the outside of your arm to help guide you.

Pulling you into his lap, your soft curves molding perfectly to the harder planes of his body, Bucky wraps you up in his warm embrace, cradling your head against his shoulder. Your tears come more freely now and for a while, you just sit there, listening to the steady heartbeat of the man you’re lucky to call yours, the sound a gentle reminder that you’re not alone, regardless of what your brain tries to convince you of sometimes.

It’s not until your breath begins to even out, your sniffles slowly subsiding, that Bucky softly breaks the silence to ask you, “How do ya feel about a bath, sweetheart?”

A soft noise of protest comes out muffled against his skin, your arms tightening around his torso, content to just stay here as long as he’ll let you. Still, you can’t help asking, “is this your way of saying I smell?” It hasn’t been that long since you forced yourself to shower.

Bucky’s laughter gently shakes your body, your own smile building in return and he wastes no time in nuzzling your hair, his head dipping to dramatically sniff along your jaw and neck. “Nope,” he says matter-of-factly, meeting your gaze with a grin before repeating the action along the other side, drawing an unmistakable laugh from you. “You smell just as good as you always do,” he promises with a tender kiss right below your ear. “But, a bath might make you feel a little better.”

There are a multitude of reasons to say no - the energy it takes just to get in, the stark contrast of the cool air after getting out, having to dry off every inch of your skin before you can even think about getting into bed, just to name a few. All it takes is one look at Bucky and you’re realizing none of them matter because he already knows. 

His assurance that you won’t have to lift a finger comes quick, reminding you that he’s here to take care of you, in whatever way you need. He’ll even carry you, if you’ll let him.

To both of your surprise, it doesn’t take much for you to agree and the moment you do, Bucky seeks permission to kiss you, showing his appreciation, murmuring words of adoration against your lips. He takes a moment to savor the intimate connection, silently thanking the universe for bringing you to him, for allowing him the privilege of loving you.

He drops you off in the bedroom, resecuring the blanket still wrapped around your body, convincing you to rest in bed while he draws a bath. Once he’s gone, you actually start to doze off, snuggled with Bucky’s pillow, the distant thrum of the bathtub filling a nice break from the near constant rush of thoughts trying to occupy your mind.

When he returns, the vision of you resting peacefully is almost enough for him to break his promise to wake you. He’d happily sit watch, keep an eye on you for the rest of the night to ensure your sleep went undisturbed.

It’s the last thing you’d want though. You’d wake disoriented, feeling constricted in your clothing, worse off than you were when you fell asleep. 

With a heavy sigh, Bucky shakes his head, a regretful smile crossing his face as he reaches out to stroke your cheek with the back of his fingers. “You ready?”

His voice is barely audible, your mind not comprehending his touch until his beard is tickling your nose, his lips brushing against your forehead. Your response comes in the form of a confused grunt, your face scrunched, hands reaching up to touch him.

“The bath’s ready,” he explains, his smile evident in his tone, giving you one last lingering kiss before pulling back. “Are you ready, or do ya wanna rest a bit longer?”

It’d be easy to just stay here, let Bucky undress you and put you under the covers, your body craving rest. It won’t last though. You’ll start to get restless, toss and turn in hopes of finding a better position, all the while your mind will refuse to quiet, growing more on edge until you’re forced out of bed yet again.

A bath isn’t a cure-all, and maybe it won’t really help, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. To let yourself be vulnerable, no matter how scary it feels. 

Bucky effortlessly carries you from bed into the dimly lit bathroom, the heater already keeping the room relatively warm, ready to be adjusted when it’s time to get out. After setting you on your feet next to the tub, he gives you another reassuring smile and starts to undress you, careful not to snag your shirt on your hair.

You have to close your eyes when he kneels to remove your sweatpants, your body fighting the urge to take over and do it yourself. It’s far from the first time Bucky’s undressed you - and it certainly won’t be the last - it’s just not usually under these circumstances. 

The lingering tension starts to fade when he looks up, his obvious love for you shining through even your most persistent insecurities. Once he’s freed you of the rest of your clothes, he helps you in, the oversized tub providing more than enough space for you to sink down, the water coming up to your chest.

Bucky takes his time, giving you a minute to adjust to the heat of the water while he gathers the necessary supplies, the bath pillow already secure behind your head. All you can do is watch him, your throat tight with emotion, tears starting to prick your eyes, the nagging voice in your head trying to convince you that you don’t deserve someone like him.

Biting back the urge to tell him what’s going through your mind, you blink back the tears, your eyes cast to the ceiling for a brief moment. He gives you more time than necessary, his focus on dipping the fresh washcloth in the water, then reaching for the body wash to pour a generous amount.

Seeing him preparing to bathe you makes the moment fully come into view and a soft, incredulous laugh leaves you, “are we really doing this?” You’re not sure you’ve ever felt so naked and exposed, despite all the sinful things you’ve let this man do to you.

Bucky’s grin does wonders for your anxiety, as does his soft assurance of, “not if you don’t think it’ll help.” He tilts his head, holding your gaze, ensuring you hear his next words, “But, if it’s because you think I don’t wanna do this, or I’m not gonna enjoy every single second of it? Doll, come on, this is me.” 

His words cause another exhale of a laugh and a blush spreads across your cheeks, Bucky’s smiling growing wider, his tongue peaking out to tease along his bottom lip. 

“I’m getting to take care of you, be near you, touch you. I live for this shit,” he laughs, his brows raised to drive home his point. “I’m obsessed with you, remember? I’d literally drink your bath water.”

You barely have time to react before he’s leaning forward, having every intention to prove it to you. Your wet hands reach out just in time to push against his head and shoulder before his face gets any closer to the water, a loud laugh spilling out of you, “What- Stop, Bucky, oh my god!”

His laughter joins yours and he allows you to turn his head at the last moment, taking the opportunity to close the distance to share a kiss, Bucky smiling against your lips. You can’t resist keeping your hands on him, the water dripping down his bare torso, but he doesn’t seem to mind, his own hand reaching out to cup your jaw.

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” he promises, peppering kisses across your cheeks and forehead, ending with one on the tip of your nose. Once he’s sure your worries and insecurities are starting to fade, he reaches for the washcloth again, telling you, “Now, just relax and let me take care of my girl, okay?”

A playful roll of your eyes and a smile you don’t even try to hide as you tell him, “fine,” begrudgingly doing as requested. Bucky takes it in stride, his smile never faltering, happily reaching for your arm to start taking care of you in one of the few ways you’ve let him recently.

He can’t help but take advantage of the opportunity, taking his time to bathe you, massaging your muscles in the process, his movements smooth along your soap-slicked skin. By the time he’s given each limb equal attention, you’re putty in his hands and you make no objections when the washcloth dips under the water to wash your stomach and hips.

Your eyes remain closed for the most part, Bucky’s occasional glance telling him you’re enjoying this far more than you anticipated. He makes a mental note to convince you to make this a regular thing, not just when you’re going through a rough time. You deserve to be pampered every day, but he’ll settle for at least once a month.

Not missing how careful Bucky is as he moves higher, the washcloth not lingering on your breasts any longer than necessary, you finally open your eyes, blinking slowly up at him. He meets your gaze with a soft smile as he starts to wash your collarbone, the warm water calling you to sink lower, as if it might erase the clinging numbness that refuses to dissipate. 

The words tumble out of you before you can overthink them, your question catching Bucky off guard, his hand stilling on the edge of the tub. “What if I never get better?”

“Sweetheart,” Bucky murmurs with a slight shake of his head, his brow furrowing to  match the frown beginning to appear. Your mouth opens to respond, the words failing you before they can even form, wishing you could rewind time to prevent the worried look on his face.

He breaks the silence before you have to, offering you an empathetic smile as he asks, “Can I get in with you?” It’s the last thing you’re expecting as a response and it catches you off guard in such a way that your mind stops racing long enough to scoot forward, making room for him.

There’s no time to waste, Bucky quickly discarding his underwear in order to join you, the oversized tub giving him space to sit behind you, pulling you back against his chest. With his arms wrapped protectively around you, he kisses your shoulder, rubbing his beard along your skin in hopes to ground you, “This isn’t going to last forever. Eventually, something’s gonna shift and you’ll start to feel better.”

Bucky’s not wrong. What you’re experiencing right now, regardless of how long it’s lasted, won't be forever and things will go back to normal at some point. Right now isn’t what you’re referring to though. With a heavy breath, you pull your knees up, letting the air hit your skin, goosebumps threatening to spread. “But that never lasts either.”

He can hear the emotion in your voice, the tears starting to build again, and it makes his chest ache, wishing he could ease your pain. “Maybe not,” he agrees, keeping his tone gentle, “but that’s okay. It’s all part of being human, sweetheart. We have good days, and we have bad days, and no, I’m not keeping score.”

An exhale of a laugh leaves you at the same time a tear escapes your lashes, causing you to automatically wipe it away, your wet hand leaving several drops of water in its place. Bucky gives you the space to collect yourself, using the opportunity to grab the washcloth and bodywash again, determined to complete his mission of bathing you.

You welcome the distraction, leaning forward to give him better access, his fingers soon working out the tension in your back. Your delicate mental state leaves you vulnerable, Bucky’s touch sending you further down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts, the once receding emotions returning tenfold, leaving you crying.

“You deserve better than this.”

“Hey,” Bucky soothes, gathering you in his arms to pull you flush against his body, your weight welcome on his lap, your face pressed against his neck, tears mixing with the water. “There is no one out there better for me than you,” he promises. “You’re it for me. You and your gorgeous mind and insanely hot body, and yes - all your ‘issues’,” he grins, kissing your temple.

There’s nothing you can do except sigh, your breath shuddering out of you, your hand pressed against his chest, drawing comfort from the strong beat of his heart. What he’s saying is starting to break through, reminding you what it’s like when things don’t feel so heavy. How easy it is to be loved by him when you’re not so scared of being a burden.

“I just want you to be happy,” you manage to whisper, working past the emotions trying to overwhelm you again.

“Good,” Bucky’s quick to respond, his fingers on your chin tilting your face up to meet his warm gaze. “‘Cause that’s exactly how you make me feel.” He can’t help but shake his head at you, his smile growing, as if you don’t realize how ridiculous you’re being, “Every day you make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Nothing is ever going to change that. Got it?”

Another heavy breath, and a tear that Bucky casually wipes away, but this time it’s accompanied by a twitch of a smile, the waves of anxiety starting to recede. “Got it,” you whisper, meeting him halfway for a kiss, solidifying your devotion to each other, your promise to work as a team to get through whatever comes, without pushing the other too far out of your comfort zone.

It’ll take time, and it won’t be perfect, but at least you’ll have the rest of your lives to keep trying.

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[noiriarti]

The Winner Takes it All: Anakin Skywalker x Reader (Enemies-to-Lovers Modern AU) | Chapter 7

NSFW! Minors DNI!!! Summary: The moment the thesis competition was announced, you knew your biggest threat. Anakin Skywalker, golden boy of the engineering department. He's the only other person smart enough to beat you, and the only other person insane enough to stay in the lab until midnight every night. He's also an asshole, but you're starting to think maybe he's not as bad as you thought he was... Pairing: Anakin Skywalker x Fem!Reader CW: descriptions of anxiety + guilt, piv sex WC: 7.8k AN: hello my darlings!! i am back!!! (from the dead aka first semester of my PhD) i've missed you all so much. this chapter took sooooo long to write because i wanted to get everything just right, but we have now entered phase 2 of the fic, where new shenanigans begin. stay tuned!

Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3, Ch. 4, Ch. 5, Ch. 6, [Ch. 7], Ch. 8

Chapter 7: Burning

"Need to talk to you," Anakin blurted out loudly over the music, obviously catching you by surprise based on your empty, blinking face. The guy who was upsettingly close to you shot him a look equal parts murder and possessiveness, and Anakin's lip curled in disgust. His face looked eminently punchable, and Anakin could just imagine the satisfaction of his fist in the guy's cheekbone, or the way he would buckle after one good hit to the stomach.

Somewhere, a rational part of him reminded him that this was not caveman times, and that you had agency and were allowed to make your own choices, but Anakin silenced it. Feeling angry was easier than admitting that it felt like his organs were being torn out when he saw you flirting with anyone else. Thinking about kicking the shit out of some random guy was easier than admitting that knowing you had put this outfit on for someone else, someone other than him, was killing him.

"I--" You began, half-yelling over the noise, then your face twisted into something Anakin couldn't read. Annoyance? Hatred? Pity? "Fine. Let's talk," you finished. The man, who looked like if all the finance bros in the university were merged together into one terrible Pokémon Evolution, scoffed his annoyance, but you ignored him.

Anakin didn't even try to suppress his smugness.

You pushed past the guy, then past Anakin, all the way to the staircase tucked in the corner of the room. He was enchanted, brainless when he followed you. The air got warmer, stickier, and the number of couples making out along the walls increased dramatically. Anakin remembered when that would have been the two of you. That night at TKD. How he wished he could turn back time to that night and just live it in a loop.

Just like then, you were divine in front of him. Your legs climbing the stairs, the gentle sway of your hips that he had fantasized about. He couldn't help it. He'd be noticing these things forever.

You slipped into a bedroom, and it smelled a bit disgusting, but he couldn't care less because he was with you. Anakin closed the door with a decisive thump, then turned to look at you.

You had that look on your face, that one he hadn't puzzled out yet. Your perfect eyebrows were scrunched together, and he could see you swallow hard. He couldn't care less if you hated him. If you pitied him, wanted him gone. At least some small part of you would have still cared. He had prepared a whole speech--telling you how sorry he was. How much he wanted you. That he hadn't felt this way about anyone before, and that he wanted to make you fall for him the same way he'd fallen for you. That he wanted more than whatever the two of you had been. That he wanted to be your boyfriend. Long-term, preferably.

Anakin was ready to get on his knees if he had to.

He opened his mouth to start, but you interrupted him.

"No, I have something to say." The words came out shaky, and dread clawed in his stomach. Were you going to say you wanted him to leave your life? That you had moved on with the finance bro downstairs, who had a trust fund and probably said slurs? That you were excited to never see him again in four months, when you graduated?

Then, you sighed and said something he never would have expected.

"I'm sorry, Anakin."

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It set in later than it should have. Much later.

All throughout finals, you were desperately trying to stop thinking about him. That horrible feeling in your stomach when his face popped into your mind. Which it did, all the time. It was a sticky, terrible pit that opened up whenever something reminded you of him. The lingering smell of him on your pillow. His hatred of orange Skittles. You'd been angry before, but this was different, worse, somehow.

But you pushed it down. Exams mattered more right now. So much more.

Sometimes, the wave of nausea hit you a little too hard, like when you thought about how badly you needed a hug, and how you didn't really want a hug from anyone but him. When it got too hard, you'd leap out of your desk and march to the corner store, just to buy a Red Bull and maybe some chips. Something crunchy, something to puncture the silence of your suddenly suffocatingly empty room.

On the walk through the biting air, you would let yourself think of him. You'd let that pain in your heart blossom, and you'd just pretend you'd said something, anything else. That either of you had made different decisions. That you'd be walking back to your room and he'd be sitting on the bed, giving you that crooked smile, ready to quiz you on fluid dynamics. It was the cold that made your eyes water, you swore.

And then you'd arrive home, and you had to get back to work. Anakin Skywalker was not an allowable topic of thought at any other times. You pulled yourself through finals like a zombie, not letting yourself think beyond the next meal or next exam.

That was not the brightest idea, it turned out, shockingly. When you left your last final, you were blank, empty. You went home and collapsed on your bed, and you finally let yourself imagine his arm wrapped around you as you drifted off.

When your alarm went off at nine PM to remind you to get to the airport, the pit was back. As you stuffed things in your suitcase, then rushed out the door, you felt like there was bile clawing up your throat.

It was a disgusting feeling. You'd been mad in your life, but this was different. It made you want to jump out of your skin just to be free of it.

Around a third of the way through the red-eye plane ride back home, everything was dark and quiet, with only the whir of the engines disturbing the cabin. You slipped out from your aisle seat, just to stretch your legs and use the bathroom, and then you passed him. Or, at least, you thought it was him. But it wasn't. The stranger sitting in 16C had Anakin's nose and curls, but his eyes were all wrong, and his hair was just a smidge too light. He didn't have those little dimples on the side of his mouth.

But just the same nose and the same curls were enough to light that painful burn in your heart. How many times had you looked at those features, traced them, even before all of this started? Why, why did your heart leap for a second, hoping that he'd followed you, like in some 90s romcom, to declare his undying, hopeless love?

That pit in your stomach you thought was bad before was swallowing you whole now. Your skin felt hot, clammy. You willed yourself to move one leg, then the other, heavy like bags of sand, just to get somewhere private before you imploded.

By the time you slid the lock closed on the bathroom door, you were bawling. Big, heaving sobs ripped from your chest, and you couldn't place the emotion. Anger, sadness, guilt--it was all mixing into a knot that kicked the breath out of you.

What had you done? What had you fucking done?

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Things got a little better at the airport, when you got to hug your family. On the drive home, they occupied you with anecdotes about the neighbors--the house across the street had apparently put up a garish snowman--and questions about your semester. And it was nice to recount some high points. A couple of times, you were tempted to tell a story that involved Anakin, but you held your tongue.

When you got home, and it was around time for bed, you tossed and turned, but all you could think about was him. That feeling in your gut was unbearable, and you were debating whether you should just go retch over a toilet to get it out of your system. You only managed to fall asleep by putting on Criminal Minds, and even then it took you two episodes.

The next night, the same thing happened.

And the next. And the next.

The next time you were in bed, you made yourself confront it. Just for a second. That feeling that came up whenever you thought of him.

For years, he was just some guy who got everything he wanted. You knew the department was stacked against you from the start--being in classes where only four people weren't men was symptomatic of the department culture. But when Anakin interacted with the professors like that, got all the internships, you wondered if you could do the same thing. If it had been you networking with the professors, would you have gotten the same reaction? And you didn't know.

Anakin was frustrating. So, so frustrating for years. Because everything just came so easily to him. It was like he waltzed in every day to your freshman lab course and made breadboard circuits that were even neater than the professor's. And when he did so well on every exam, he didn't make a secret of it. He gloated about how his projects were used as examples. Initially, that rivalry was one-sided. You'd do anything to beat him. Later on, when you'd worked on more than a couple projects together, you could see it in his eyes. He knew you were a threat, good competition.

And when he was clearly closer with the professors and got accepted to an internship you didn't get, it was whatever. It annoyed you to no end and you complained about it to your friends, but it wasn't terrible. Those were minor things. Your theses were major. This was what you'd present to employers, to the world. This was what you were going to do for the rest of your lives. And he'd gotten it from somewhere.

If even this was stacked against you, why did any of it matter?

You were still furious. You felt like you wanted to punch something or scream into your pillow at how unfair the world was, how you just wanted something to be easy for once.

But the worst part of it all was that you knew that, in his place, you would do the same exact thing. Or, at least think about it a lot. You'd feel like shit about it, granted, but you might do it. That feeling of trying and failing for months to get the perfect idea that was equally attractive to employers and the thesis committee, to get something that even worked, was probably the most frustrating cycle you'd ever experienced. If someone gave you a ticket out, what would you have done?

You probably would have taken it, if things were bad enough.

And that meant Anakin wasn't a bad person. Just a desperate one.

You knew he wasn't a bad person, though. You'd seen him smile at you with such openness, such sweetness. You'd seen him coach freshmen, including your own roommate, to become good athletes. You'd seen him get you food when you were too out of it to do it on your own. You'd felt him put his jacket around you when you fell asleep in the library.

But there was always that fear that, just maybe, your first impression had been right. That he was an asshole. That, one day, the mask would fall off, and you'd realize he was just pretending. That your relationship didn't matter to him as much as it did to you. That if you told him that you wanted more than sex, he'd laugh.

And, when you heard from Barriss of all people, that maybe he was exactly what you had thought he was, a liar, it felt like he was stabbing you in the back and twisting the knife.

Looking back at it, it still felt terrible, but you couldn't move the image of Anakin helping you, keeping you company in the library. He wasn't scheming against you when he took the idea, he was just scared and desperate.

It was the department that had pitted you against each other from the start--curves, calling out the best homework solution, TAships, and thesis competitions. None of it was made by him. He was just like you, trying his best.

You also hadn't heard all the details. The idea for the hand had been his, just the idea to scale it down had been someone else's. Just like you'd asked professors to help you choose between ideas early on in the process.

The more you thought about it, the more it felt like your heart was being carved out with a blunt spoon.

You impulsively opened your phone. The texts he had sent you.

please come back we can talk this out please give me another chance

How could you not trust him? How could you have watched him cry and just left? What kind of a person were you?

Fuck, what had you done?

You were gasping for air, the tears rolling down your face and onto your pillow. You had ruined something perfectly good. Just because you were blaming him for everything that had gone wrong.

It was too much. It was all too much. The stress climbed up your throat and choked you, and you writhed in the sheets to try to escape the feeling. To just go back to a time when things mattered less, when you were purely happy and never worrying about GPAs or rankings.

Fingers shaking, you opened Ahsoka's contact and smashed the tauntingly green 'Call' button.

She wouldn't answer you anyway, you reasoned. It was the middle of the night, after all.

The ringing was painfully loud in the empty room. The tone sounded one, two, three, four times, and you were about to give up when Ahsoka's tired voice mumbled your name.

"'Soka--I--Can I talk to you?" You managed to spit out the question despite the thick cottony feeling in your throat.

"Hey, woah, what's the matter? Are you okay?" The grogginess left her voice as she fretted on the other end of the line, and her protectiveness made you feel the tiniest bit better.

As you spilled your guts to her, she made comforting noises at the appropriate places, and grossed out noises when you described that you'd had sex with Anakin. Soon, your breathing stabilized, and she said exactly what you'd been thinking, too: you needed to apologize, stat. Preferably, in person.

You fell asleep on the line with her.

In the morning, everything felt better. Manageable. You just needed to collect yourself before you returned home, and then sit him down and talk to him--actually talk.

For the remainder of the break, you immersed yourself in the everyday. Your holiday traditions were familiar, calming. The constant clamor of your family to get this and that from the store kept you busy. You'd wake up late, eat some lunch, get some coding done, scroll Instagram, eat dinner, then pass out in front of the TV. And just like that, another day slipped by. And another. And another. And another. And then it was Christmas, and all you could think was that Anakin was opening presents right now, somewhere far away. You opened your texts again, trying to draft a message that seemed right--Hey or Merry Christmas both seemed slightly weird. But maybe hearing from you would mess up his day, or maybe he'd realized what you had, that you were in the wrong, and now wasn't interested in talking to you. As you were debating, the roiling guilt in your stomach grew, and, when your father laughed particularly loudly, you were relieved to turn off your phone and pay more attention to the breakfast table.

In the back of your mind, there was a subtle thrum of guilt that never really went away. It only got worse as the break came closer to ending, and you realized you hadn't really gotten anything done on your thesis in weeks. You set a countdown on your phone homescreen, just to keep you on your toes. All it did was make you feel worse.

On New Year's Eve, when you were watching the ball drop with your parents, your phone chimed.

It was Anakin. The world stopped, and your mouth went dry. happy new year. What could you even say to that?

Happy New Year. I miss you.

Happy New Year. I'm sorry for everything.

Happy New Year. Wish you were here

Happy New Year! How are you?

All of them felt wrong. But then one of your parents said your name, trying to get your attention, and you locked your phone.

That night, while having your nightly stew on your feelings, you resolved to talk to him in person after lecture. Otherwise, you were worried you'd never bring it up.

On the first day of classes, you were resolved to catch him before or after lecture. Any time would work, really. You'd have two chances that Monday, and then two more on Wednesday if you chickened out. The fact that you acknowledged you might chicken out was a bad sign, but you ignored it.

You got there ten minutes early, an act that was generally considered psychopathic in college, and you were ready to zone out while the professor said some things about the goals of the course for just long enough for class time to end before speaking to Anakin.

Would he say something to you? Would he try to sit next to you? Would he even notice you?

You kept your eyes firmly trained on the board, and tried not to look too desperate as you snuck glances. Then, finally, he arrived, and you tried to look as nonchalant as possible. You made a point not to think too hard about how he was more handsome than you remembered and not to wonder if he wore that shirt just for you. That wasn't your place. You needed to apologize, not ogle him. You expected him to sit down somewhere in the middle of the seats, somewhere distinctly Anakin, but he crossed the room entirely. He even sat one row in front of you. Did he not even want you in his periphery? Your heart sunk. Maybe he had a change of heart after you didn't respond to his New Year's Eve text. Maybe he was just done with you. Maybe maybe maybe, your mind chanted.

The second that the professor was done, you rushed out.

The same thing happened again in your afternoon class, and you walked home regretting every life choice that brought you to this moment.

The next day, when you got home from your class, you entered your living room to find Anakin on the couch. Immediately, that nausea that had been plaguing you punched you in the throat.

There he was. Looking so unbothered, so casual, like him being in your room didn't make him think back to the last time you had been here, entwined on the bed. Like it didn't make him think of how you'd ruined it. All you could hear was static.

The worst part was that you couldn't stop ogling him, even though you felt terrible about it. He must have been working out over the break, because his arms looked incredible in that shirt, and his jawline was etched even more strongly than usual. The haircut he'd gotten over break left his hair falling just over his forehead in those perfect waves. It caught in the light as usual, and when he turned to look at you all you could see was blue blue blue.

And then you realized he was looking at you--at you--and his eyebrows furrowed. You could see him swallow, hard, as he looked at you. Was it a glare? Was he angry? Was he about to storm out? Who knew?

But this was your opportunity. Class didn't work out--this was it. You had to talk to him now.

You opened your mouth to say something, maybe "Hey guys, can I talk to Anakin for a second?" or "Hey, can we talk?" or "I think I like you a lot," or literally anything, but nothing came out. The static in your ears got louder until it was deafening. Your stomach roiled and, for a second, you were worried you'd throw up instead of saying anything.

"Hey," you croaked out. The awkward silence sat between you three, and you didn't see his expression change. Fuck. He didn't even say "hey" back.

You had to get out of there. Had to. Right now. You bolted into your room and closed the door behind you, then dove into your bed and screamed into your pillow.

Motherfucker.

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Your next attempt to apologize came at practice the next day. You hoped to catch him at the end of it, maybe pull him away and talk in some empty stairwell. You crept up to the room, but, the closer you got, the more that tidal wave of terrible feelings threatened to wash you away. Through the door to Aerobics Room 1, your eyes found him in the crowd immediately. They were practicing some kind of form (pumsae? the exact name escaped you), and Fives made some sort of comment to Anakin which sent him cackling.

He looked light, and with the afternoon sun casting its rays into the room, he almost became angelic. When he laughed, and his eyes crinkled in that way that made you soft, you lost all your nerve. He was never like this when you were in class together, or that time he was in your apartment. Whenever he saw you, he got that look on his face.

But now, he was all smiles and laughs as he playfully smacked Fives, who repeated whatever he'd said and sent a bunch more athletes into fits of laughter.

Dappled in the sunlight, his face split with an enormous smile, Anakin was so perfect in that moment. How could you ruin it by making him have a hard conversation?

At the same time, you felt the anger at yourself build up. You said all those awful things to him, and you had the nerve to delay your apology?

But you knew that, if he heard your apology and didn't forgive you, that would ruin the day for him. He was just like that. And you didn't have the heart to do that to him.

Tomorrow, you promised yourself, as you took one last look tracing the contours of his jaw and lips.

As you turned to go, you didn't notice that he'd turned to see something moving in the windowed doors to the Aerobics Room.

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Ahsoka was fucking tired. There were approximately two people she cared for most on the campus, and they were both huge dummies. They'd proven that over and over. She knew something was amiss from the day the two of you fought/broke up/ended things/whatever, when you started sulking in your room alone and consuming an upsetting amount of caffeine. She started gently probing right when the worst of finals was over. She didn't want to rush anything, but a well-placed "hey going to go get some food, want anything?" might soften either of the two of you enough to let her know what happened.

She found out when you told her on a phone call. And, yes, it wasn't great. It was, perhaps, morally dubious and a little misguided, from what she could tell, but it wasn't clear to her why this was such an issue. Wasn't taking advice from others and collaborating the whole point of academic research and theses?

But she also knew you had gotten feedback from multiple professors after you'd submitted your initial proposal, trying to pick between several approaches, before one of the faculty nudged you in the direction of 3-D printing instead of plastic molding. And, sure, Anakin was a little more than nudged, but he came up with the idea for the mechanical hand in the first place. This was just a different application, right? And yes, it wasn't super duper ethical that the idea was just given to him, but what would you do in his shoes?

Ahsoka told you exactly that, and you sounded like you were choking on the other end of the phone. You told her about how horrible you felt, and that you felt like you didn't know if he even wanted to ever see you again, and she groaned. Of course he did. He was the biggest simp she knew.

So Ahsoka did what she did best: she meddled.

It started small, with mentioning the taekwondo team in front of you once the semester had started. Sometimes an anecdote would include Anakin, and she made sure to casually drop his name, just to gauge your reaction. You didn't even flinch when she said it, which seemed like a good sign. But the pulse in the hollow of your neck jumped. When you confessed that you'd failed to talk to him in class, because it just felt too awkward in public, Ahsoka nodded sagely, like she wasn't already scheming to give you a private time to chat.

Within five minutes, she had texted Anakin to invite him over to plan the competitions they would be attending that semester. Like she hadn't already discussed it with him in December, but whatever. A meeting between the captain and the vice captain wasn't out of the ordinary. And it just so happened that her room was free. Crazy, right?

She really couldn't have made it turn out this well if she tried. When you entered, and Anakin looked like he might fall off the couch, Ahsoka had to suppress a smile. You looked like you wanted to say something, like maybe you'd built up the courage, and she was about to say that, actually, she had forgotten an incredibly important errand she had to run at a cafe for 30 to 45 minutes, but then you just said "hey" and walked into your room. Ahsoka grumbled internally. What was so hard about just apologizing?

Two days into classes, Ahsoka had not-so-subtly hinted to Cody that he should host a party, just in case her other meddling didn't work. It was her backup plan, and, apparently, she needed it. So, after giving you a pep talk that this would be the perfect time to talk to Anakin because you weren't in class or a meeting, and after digging out some dress in the back of your closet for you to throw on, the two of you were off.

Once you arrived at the party, she watched you do a sweep of the room instantly. She knew what you were looking for, and rolled her eyes. He probably hadn't arrived yet, but she texted him anyway, just to check.

In the two seconds she was looking down at her phone, she watched you talk to some sophomore from the business school. He looked douchey, but he was cute enough and said something that made you laugh. Come on, Anakin, she thought, praying he'd arrive soon before she had to watch this guy flirt with you any longer.

Again, she realized she was great at meddling when Anakin showed up and beelined to Cody. She pushed her way through some people, and came to greet him, drag him to get a drink, but he'd already taken a beer from Cody, then insisted that they go dance.

At every opportunity, Ahsoka tried to hint that maybe they should go over there? Toward the other side of the room? Get some more drinks, maybe?

It took ten minutes, but Anakin finally agreed. He didn't see it, but Ahsoka was smiling like a maniac when she saw him take you in. When he started marching over, she was practically cheering. It was show time.

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As you walked to some quiet(er) room, your heart was pounding. This was more nerve-wracking than the first time you slept together, than anything you had done together before. When he just appeared in front of you, looking so intense, it took you a minute to get yourself together enough to form words. Was he mad at you? And now the moment of truth had come.

You pushed into a room which belonged to someone who had more weed than deodorant, and was covered wall-to-wall in dingy band posters. You didn't want to even look down to see how stained the carpet was.

But none of that mattered. Because right now, he was here. And you finally had the opportunity to say what you needed to say.

Before you started, you drank him in one last time, just in case. His deep eyes, the peek of collarbone through his shirt, his broad chest. A quick mental catalogue.

And then you started speaking.

"I'm sorry, Anakin." You weren't sure what gave you the courage. Maybe it was because he approached you first, so you couldn't hide behind the excuse that he didn't want to see you anymore. Maybe it was the slightly awkward conversation with that dude downstairs who seemed to have way too many takes on types of beer. Either way, you'd finally done it. You'd said it. Just apologizing to him made you feel lighter, but that was drowned out by the anxiety of hearing his response.

You were trying to read his expression, the draw of his eyebrows, the purse of his lips. This was the weirdest angry face you'd ever seen.

"Wait--huh?" Both of you were probably wearing the same expression--sheer confusion. Wasn't he supposed to be mad at you? What? You watched his eyes trying to read what you meant, and his plush lips were the tiniest bit open.

You continued anyway. It had to be said, even if he was just going to tell you to stay away from him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that, you didn't deserve it. Not everything was your fault, and I've been feeling so guilty over the whole break that I just--I couldn't bring myself to tell you. I chickened out every time. I wish I hadn't… ended things. Between us. I'm--I'm so sorry." Your voice came out more confident than you felt, comfortable in the words you had been rehearsing for weeks in your mind.

Once again, the room went quiet. Anakin stood, as still as a statue, clearly trying to process. Behind the pounding of your ears, you could hear the bass line downstairs and the chatter of people, and you tried to remind yourself that if this goes badly, you'll just go back home, time would pass, and you'd be able to heal your broken heart in peace.

Then, suddenly, Anakin pulled you into a crushing hug. You couldn't breathe from the weight of his head on your shoulder, and the tight squeeze of his arms around your waist. The sandalwood of his shampoo was comforting, familiar. He smelled like home as he buried his face into your neck.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry too--I wish I could take it back, that I just never entered this goddamn competition, then you never would've been mad at me and--" His voice came out broken and shaky.

"Anakin, hey," you interrupted. Had he spent the whole break feeling like this? He should be mad at you, not just upset with himself. You could talk to him about that later, but right now you could feel his desperation to just be near you again, mainly because you felt the same way. You wrapped your arms around him until your hand found his hair. Burying your fingers in it felt so good, so natural. How could you ever have ended this?

"It's okay," you said as you rubbed his back. You could feel his breaths were ragged, and he squeezed you even tighter. "I shouldn't have been that mad at you in the first place--I just got so upset that you had some sort of upper hand, and I went crazy," you continued.

"Fuck," Anakin muttered against your skin. The shift of his lips over your collarbone reminded you of the last time he'd kissed up and down your neck. You took a deep breath. Now was not the time to get horny.

Anakin pulled away, but kept his arms wrapped around your waist. Your heart clenched when you saw the mix of anguish and relief dancing across his features. His eyes were swimming, and a tear rolled down his cheek, then another, then another, until he was crying.

"Fuck," he mumbled again as he pulled one hand away from you to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand, almost as if he was embarrassed. Despite it all, you found him immeasurably cute.

"Uh, I was gonna come up here and beg you for another chance--I just couldn't watch you move on or talk to that guy downstairs, it hurts too much," he confessed. His eyes met yours and you felt that familiar jolt of joy that he brought, this time over the idea that he was jealous, possessive even, over you.

"I'm not moving on." It was a risk to say it, but you did it anyway. It was definitely true, but it came out more careful, more tentative than you wanted. Because there was a chance he didn't mean it that way, and you'd just shown your hand.

Fortunately, he had a terrible poker face. Even streaked with tears, a little bit sweaty, and standing in a room that stank like weed, Anakin's smile burst onto his face and shone like the sun.

You'd forgotten how many butterflies that smile gave you. Tentatively, you moved your hand from his shoulder to his jaw. His eyes slid closed and he leaned into your touch, like you might disappear if he didn't keep you there.

Then, someone hollered in the hallway, something about a round of shots, and Anakin's eyes snapped open.

"Do you want to go somewhere quieter to talk more?" You asked. "We can walk back home or--" Anakin cut you off.

"Um, if you don't hate me right now, and I don't--I could never--hate you, can I just--" His hungry eyes flicked down to your lips, and you knew immediately that the answer was yes. Yes. A hundred times yes.

You didn't think too many brain cells were firing, so you just nodded. His smile widened, if that was even possible, and he pulled you into him just like he had so many times before.

As he got closer, your heart started pounding, and your palms got sweaty, like this was a first date. And, in a way, it kind of was. It was your first time kissing as more than just enemies who fucked every once in a while, but as something else, something more.

When his lips met yours, he was so heartbreakingly tender, you melted under his touch. Anakin was so warm when he held you this close, and you were half expecting him to start deepening the kiss when he pulled away so that your foreheads were touching.

"I fucking missed you so much," he whispered reverently, then immediately kissed you again, deeper this time.

His kiss was all-consuming, like a whirlpool sucking you in, until you'd forgotten everything except how he felt against you. Your kisses grew deeper, until you felt his tongue gently brush your lips, and you immediately opened them.

Everything felt new, gentle, and you relished it. One of his hands slid down to your ass, squeezing gently, and you felt yourself get wet. You'd been pent up for weeks, and the simultaneous relief of being with him again and the way he had all but told you that he had feelings for you were making you dizzy with want for him.

Your hands grasped anything they could, his shoulders, his hair, his arms, as much of him as you could reach. Did he even know what he did to you?

He broke the kiss, just for a second, and you were about to protest when he pulled the two of you back until he was sitting on the twin bed shoved into the corner of the room. You stood between his legs, his hands trailing down the backs of your thighs.

You swung one knee over his hips, lowering yourself until you were straddling him. Anakin watched you, his eyes dark and mischievous, and let out a small "fuck" when you were finally in his lap. He was a sucker for this position, you knew. This was exactly how you'd gotten together, at that stupid night of truth and dare. The memory filled your heart with warmth.

As you settled onto his legs, you felt a familiar hardness under you, and the butterflies returned. You loved doing this to him, making him care about nothing other than the moment you were sharing. You not-so-subtly shifted your hips as you kissed him again, and you were rewarded with a low moan.

His hands kept teasing you, running up and down the sides of your thighs as he captured your lower lip between his teeth gently. You groaned loudly into his mouth, and he used that moment to slide a hand up your inner thigh, until he had passed the hem of your dress.

Using all the willpower you had left, you pulled away. You were both panting, and he was a vision when you looked at him again, his pupils blown wide and his lips red and wet from your kiss.

"Anakin, are you sure this is okay?" You desperately wanted him to say yes, because it felt like you might implode if you didn't have him inside you tonight, but if he was this emotional, you had to say something. Give him an out.

Instead, Anakin looked at you like a man starved. His pupils were wide, and, even through the tears, he looked ravenously hungry for you. Like you made his world spin.

"Yes--God, I've thought of you every day, all the time. I don't want to wait any more than I have to, unless you don't want to, or if you think you'd regret it--" He was rambling. It was adorable.

"I've never regretted you," you said, cutting him off. "But are you sure you're sure?" You stared into his eyes, looking for any trace of worry, or hesitation. All you found was desire, and something softer. Affection, love, maybe.

He rolled his hips, pressing his hard cock against you.

"Can't you feel how much I want you?" Usually, a line like that would make you roll your eyes, but with the mischief in his eyes and the feeling of him hard underneath you, it only served to make you wetter.

You immediately grabbed his shirt to pull his lips to yours again, rocking your hips over and over until he matched your rhythm. The hand on your inner thigh crept upward, until it reached your clothed pussy.

You'd forgotten how well he knew your body, like he'd been made to touch you. His fingers found the perfect angle to stroke your clit, and you became a mess, your kisses sloppy.

After he'd teased you for a long enough time to make you a wreck on top of him, Anakin pulled your underwear aside. He dipped just one finger inside, and he groaned at how soaked you were.

"Can I fuck you, baby?" He asked, as if the answer would be anything but please. You nodded as hard as you could, and he started unzipping his jeans as fast as he could while keeping his eyes on you. You weren't sure he'd ever look away.

Meanwhile, you stood up off of him just enough to pull your soaked panties down your legs and kick them off. As he pulled his cock out, you vowed to give him head the next time you were together, because goddamn, you'd forgotten how nice of a sight he was like this.

He pulled a condom out of his pocket and rolled it on, still looking at you and only fumbling a couple of times in his trance.

"C'mere," he grabbed your waist and pulled until you were straddling him again, right above his cock. He grabbed your hips with one hand, and lined himself up with the other, then slowly started guiding you down onto him.

As he split you open, you forgot how to think, or talk, or do anything other than feel him inside of you. Every ridge, every inch. You let your head fall back as a keening moan erupted from your throat. He kissed everywhere he could, up and down your throat as he grunted against your skin.

You realized you couldn't even draw a steady breath, you were so overwhelmed by the feeling of being with him again.

His breath fanned your collarbone as he finally rested his forehead there and groaned your name. It was music on his lips.

The hand on your hip started guiding you to move, and you gently rocked your hips. God, had it ever felt this good before?

The feeling washed over you like honey, drenching your limbs and making your fingers tingle. Almost on their own, your hips picked up the pace, spreading the feeling everywhere in your body.

As you rode him faster, he pressed his face into your neck, letting the wetness from his crying earlier rub onto your skin. He was groaning at almost every thrust, incoherent mixtures of yes's and your name falling off his lips with every breath.

You were holding on for dear life, fingers fisted in his hair, when he grabbed under your thighs and stood up, slipping his cock out of you while you were still in his arms.

Anakin turned around and laid you down on your back as he busied himself throwing off his shirt and pants until he was bare in front of you. Within two more seconds, he was inside you again, this time thrusting into you from above.

He was holding himself up on his elbows, so his face was right above yours, eyes locked onto yours. You could see every reaction, every groan fall from his lips.

Usually, he was rough and made his hips smack yours, but, today, his thrusts were slow and languid, like he was trying to make it last as long as possible. You could live in this moment for the rest of your life. A particularly strong twitch of his cock made you whimper.

"Fuck, baby. You're so gorgeous like this," he breathed, pressing a kiss to your forehead tenderly. You locked your legs around him, holding him close, so that this wouldn't end. So that you could always stay here.

His breath hitched, and you knew he was getting close. You loved that you knew things like that about him, that only you knew that about him right now.

"Shit, fuck. Your pussy is so fucking good, like you were made for me," he groaned into your ear, speeding up until he was going faster than you thought he could. The intensity made you grasp at his back desperately, your nails catching on his skin. He hissed loudly. Anakin's cock twitched inside you, and you knew he was seconds away from his release. And you were even closer, that delicious tension building with every thrust.

His hand came between you to rub small circles on your clit, and then you were gone. Your mind went blank, and everything became just sensation. Warmth, all around you. Him, everywhere.

Somewhere far away, while you were still twitching around him, he groaned, low and loud and raw, as he came while sheathed deep in your pussy. Anakin laid his head in the crook of your neck while he recovered. His breath hitched as he took a shaky exhale, then pulled his cock out of you.

You didn't need to say any words, you both knew what you wanted. He pulled you into his arms like you were the most precious thing on the planet, then let his eyes slip closed. All the tension that had been building in your body was released, gone into the wind. All that was left was him, and the rise and fall of his chest as you lay against it.

"I missed you, too," you ventured after a few seconds of comfortable silence. He hummed, letting the hand trailing through your hair cup your jaw and pull you up for another kiss.

This one was tender, not about fucking, not about anything but his feelings for you. It was addicting, and, when it stopped, you almost pulled him in for another round. But it was midnight, and every muscle in your body was screaming.

Anakin said something about cleaning up and getting out of here, and you nodded, but you found you were having trouble with coherent thoughts at the moment. Anakin gently kissed your forehead and then rolled out of bed.

"'Kay, I'm gonna go look around for a bathroom, be back in a sec!" He called out, putting his clothes back on quickly, but not quickly enough that you didn't have time to check him out.

Even when he left the room, you were still smiling. You grabbed your phone, discarded somewhere near the bed, and sat back down. You wanted to text Ahsoka to thank her for bringing you to this party, for introducing you to Anakin, hell, for being born, when your homescreen reminded you of something.

54 Days, 18 hours, 27 seconds until Thesis Due Date

That pit opened in your stomach. You thought you had gotten rid of it, but there it was again. Everything went tight in your body, and suddenly all you could think was how could you have let yourself get this far behind? You had to get to work.

Something bumped your leg. It was Anakin's hand. You hadn't even heard him come in.

"Everything okay?" Anakin asked, with that gentle smile that hadn't really left him since you'd made up.

You looked at him, the man who you kind-of-sort-of-definitely had feelings for, and you shot him a half-assed smile as you locked your phone.

"Yeah," you said, your voice tight as you put it away. But, for the rest of the night, even when he walked you home and kissed you in front of the building--in public--it echoed in the back of your mind.

54 days.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Tag list (lmk if you'd like to be added!):

@skywalkercinema @throughparisallthroughrome @anak1ns-wife @radiantvader @eloquenceinpurple @rosekillerdaughter @doblasftcisco @rhiannonhippiegirl @mistress-amidala @johnbassplayercutie @mortalheartache @xorilixx @sunnytotheend @olivia091108 @aniiuv @sotal3rsa @springnaiad @bettysgardenswift @ursogorgeous13 @avalovesjoe1 @anibeaar @anisluvrgirl @mcdonaldshelppage @usuck @sythethecarrot @lovrsm @ann4zw @gimmefood

[astro-hunny]

Okay, I know I've already talked briefly about how I think the perception of Kichijoji changes for Joker after 11/20 in a different post, but today has me thinking; how does it change for Akechi?

Are the colors dimmer for him too, both in vibrancy and in light? Does he find himself walking around and looking through shops as if he's passing time while someone's still on the train? Does he automatically go to stand by Penguin Sniper before remembering that there's no one who will meet him? Does he go to the Jazz Jin and feel like it's too quiet?

Does Muhen ask him about the boy he would come with? Does he fumble for an answer? Does he keep thinking of a conversation topic and looking up, only to see an empty chair? Is the realization so terrifying that he goes home and works too late, sustained by anxiety and the worst coffee he's had in months?

Does it extend beyond Kichijoji? When going on Momentos runs just to blow off steam, does raising his gun remind him of a boy in an arcade, or one sitting in an interrogation room? When he sees Sae at work, does he think of how her sister reacted to the news? After school, does he find himself almost taking the train to Yongen-Jaya? When putting on his gloves, does he get the urge to pull the right one just a bit tighter?

Is it hard for him to look down at his desk from an certain angle? Do certain voices in public catch his attention? Does he see a Shujin uniform and panic? During interviews where they ask the audience for input, does he keep preparing himself for a mini debate?

Does he look up that boy's parents, trying to find their contacts so he can tell them that their son is dead? Does he find the original court case that resulted in a probation and realize that Shido had been to thank for yet another thing? Does he buy or steal cheap liquor from any store he can, pouring it down the drain just to drown out the smell of coffee that hangs on everything he owns by now? Does he think back to every conversation they've ever had, playing his rival's words over and over again in his head to search for some signal that he knew this was coming and he knew how to get out?

Does everything look dimmer to him, too? Does life just feel more bland?

(When he realizes that Joker is alive, is the tiniest part of him relieved? Does he crush that part of him, or does he ignore it? Do the lights in the studio look just a little more vibrant? Does he even realize any of this before it's too late, bleeding on the other side of a bulkhead door? Does he?)

[beautiful-is-boring]

Thought: Postwar!Levi after you, his wife, get pregnant with his child (F!reader)

CW: mentions of sex and childbirth, nothing explicit, you guys have a girl

Levi was nervous, a little scared too, but most importantly, overjoyed the moment you told him the news. You were his wife after all, the same person who fought through hell and back alongside him in the survey corps against almost every threat, supported him, loved him through everything, and now you were giving him a child after the war ended.

Honestly, i personally headcanon this pregnancy to be a happy little accident. His recovery was going steady with your constant love and support, and maybe a passionate night took place with soft, tender and gentle lovemaking, for a little boost of happiness and a need for intimacy between you, and boom. You're with child. The surprise was unplanned, but never unwelcome.

Levi was extremely overjoyed the whole pregnancy. He helped build the little crib that was placed near the bed, he helped cook healthy and tasty meals for you, came with you for doctor's appointments, did his research about pregnancy and birth. He would shower you, his lovely wife and soon-to-be-mama with affection and care, speaking to the little bun baking in the oven, making sure your little one recognised his voice even before the baby was born.

"hi there little brat, it's your papa speaking. Don't give your mama any trouble, you hear me, brat? Just keep growing. We can't wait to meet you."

His stoic presence softened tenfold when he routinely cuddled up to you and kissed your growing bump that housed the baby inside, safe and secure.

He was insanely protective. With the amount of people that Levi has lost in his life, i feel like he would be a bit paranoid to some extent, wanting you and the baby to be safe. He watched over you while you sleep, rubbed your feet, massaged your back, made sure your pregnancy cravings were satisfied and was always ready to whip up something in the kitchen, making sure it is healthy. He forbade you from doing anything physically strenuous, although sometimes he went a bit overboard but it came from a place of love, care and protectiveness.

"No y/n, sit back down. You're already nurturing the little brat in your body, you're not going to do anything else. Now, be a good girl, and eat this fruit salad i made you."

He was a bit nervous, and a little afraid because he never had a father-figure growing up in the underground, all he had was his lovely mother Kuchel who didn't live long, and well...Kenny would not count as a loving father figure, he thought. He often worried, thinking whether the baby would be scared of his scars or not, whether he would be able to make his baby feel loved or not. He would only feel reassured, when you would soothe his anxieties away. Regardless of his fears, he would place a hand on your baby bump and vow to himself that he would be the best father ever to your both's child.

He had held your hand through the entire process of child-birth, his heart breaking with every pained cry of yours but also a sense of admiration filling his chest. You were going to make him a father. He kissed your forehead as he let the professionals do the work down below, as he whispered soothing reassurances into your ears.

''You're doing great, love. Just a few more pushes and our baby will be here. You're so strong. I love you. I'm here.''

Every single worrisome thought vanished from his head when he held your both's child for the first ever time in his hands. His child. His precious little girl. He placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, thanking you for everything, your support, and the sweet little baby girl you've given birth to. He felt a rush of emotions, his eyes welling up with tears as he looked at his baby daughter resting in his arms, wrapped in the small blanket. She was so tiny, so precious. He swore to himself, that he would stop at nothing to make his little girl feel loved and safe, and would protect her with all he had.

''I love you already, you're such a cute little brat. I promise i'll keep you safe, Kuchel, my little princess.''

[kkayyerr]

OBX characters taking care of Little!reader with anxiety.

Warnings: Age regression; anxiety disorder; slight dark!Rafe.

Author’s note: I’m gonna keep on writing headcanons about little!reader with mental struggles and characters reactions to that.

John B:

- He would be just as anxious as you when it came to something that scared you. His worst fear would be not being there for you at the moment, no matter if you’re regressed or not (but especially when you’re little). 

- He won’t ever blame you for your fears or your tantrums; that would happen if you got way too overwhelmed. He would just be there for you, probably trying to console you or just giving you time and space to let out your emotions. 

- John B would probably mentally note all your triggers and things that get your anxiety worse, so he and the Pogues would avoid those themes. 

- He would help you fall asleep, holding you in his arms and feeling how your heartbeat was slowing down and your breathing was not so shaky anymore. 

- He would probably also ask Sarah to share some tips with him about how to calm you down when things get really bad, because somehow she knows more about those things. 

- Sometimes he would just call her, and she would show up immediately, helping you out. 

- He would definitely learn some techniques to help you, or at least help himself stay calm because somehow your anxiety is sharing like a disease. 

- John B would work on himself to help you as much as he could, and I believe after not so long a period of time it would work. 

JJ:

- That boy knows how it might feel, trying to hide your anxiety so it won’t bother people around you, and it’s hurting him seeing your shaky hands and teary eyes.

- He would make sure that you'd understand that you didn’t have to hide your true feelings and emotions, at least not around him. 

- Whenever he would see you getting at least a little bit anxious, he would immediately stop what he was doing and go take care of you, no matter if you wanted him to see you in that state or not. 

- He doesn’t know how to deal with his anxiety, but he would make sure to learn how to help you deal with yours, even if that would increase his own struggles. 

- Even though the boy is poor, he would still buy you everything that he thought might help you. Stuffies, pacifiers, coloring books, etc. He would buy absolutely anything just to make sure his little girl was happy and calm. 

- He would deal with your tears and tantrums, just staying there and letting you yell, cry, and throw toys at him. It’s not like a little teddy bear is going to hurt him. 

- No matter how bad he’s feeling, he would be there, trying to help or at least communicate to see what’s wrong and what exactly he could do to help you relax. 

- For you, he would turn into a big teddy bear that you can hug and cuddle whenever you feel like it. 

- He would always remind you that no matter what, he’s there for you. And he won’t ever break his words.

Rafe:

- It would be hard for Rafe to understand why exactly you’re getting so anxious sometimes, and maybe he would even blame himself for not being there for you enough. 

- But when you finally explain your struggles to him, he’ll understand. Maybe he’s not the best at dealing with mental issues, but for you, he would try. 

- The hardest part for him is to control his temper. It would take time, but he would learn how to not raise his voice around you after a couple of times when he would have to spoil you the whole day after a small yelling. 

- He would buy anything, ANYTHING, to help you with your anxiety. No matter what that is, if that thing is helping you, then it’s going to be bought. 

- Sometimes, when the panic attack would get bad, he would go as far as giving you drugs, calling it „medicine.“. He would make sure it’s the most safe ones, though. 

- He would gently slap your mouth every time you would apologize to him, when there’s nothing to apologize for. And of course you would also apologize after the slap too. 

- If someone had triggered you or just talked to you in the wrong way, they’re dead. Like actually dead. 

- He would also learn not to tease you too much, just so you won’t fill your pretty little head with some stupid thoughts and insecurities. 

- Even though his business is very established, Rafe would make sure to always, and I mean ALWAYS answer your calls. No matter if that’s a serious one or you just want to hear his voice and tell him about the drama between your stuffies. 

- Rafe would protect his little one at all costs, even if that meant crossing the lines sometimes. 

Pope:

- He would learn how to treat you right sooo fast. 

- No matter what had happened, Pope would know what exactly you needed to hear in that situation or how to help you regulate your emotions. 

- He would almost immediately recognize when you’re feeling anxious, and he would try his best to make those episodes easier for you, even if your fears might sound „stupid.”.

- He would be very good at communication. If you need to talk with him about something that’s bothering you for an hour, then he would sit there and listen to you for an hour. 

- Probably he would be the only one who knows how to console you when you throw tantrums, just holding you in his arms or constantly repeating that your feelings are valid and it’s okay to cry. 

- It would work, and a couple of minutes later you would be sitting on his lap or maybe even sleeping, hiding your puffy face in his neck. 

- The one tug on his clothes would be enough for him to understand that you need his attention right now, and it would immediately become his number one priority. 

- Honestly, he would be the best at taking care of his little one, no matter what they’re struggling with. 

[daretoassume]

Hello , I hope you see this.

I might be a bit desperate.

So 2 years ago I wanted to kill myself but then I had a huge “spiritual awakening” where I say things beyond human comprehension. And from that moment I decided to give life a chance, I knew that life actually had a meaning and that was for me to discover what was beyond what I could think. It gave my so much clarity of the world around me and who I was. From that moment I also started to randomly consciously manifest things without knowing about manifesting. I’m not kidding when I say this but in that time I manifested 6 million overnight while I was just kidding about being a millionaire while listening to my rich music and then when I woke up my parents had the good news. I also manifested others things that I thought where extremely special. But I didn’t really put in effort it was just fun experimenting with my powers.

So then I decided to deepen myself in the laws. I started with law of attraction. And I ended up meditating so deeply everyday that I was so passionate about finding the ultimate truth of reality inside me, that I was extremely depersonalised from my 3D and basically lived inside my brain. I could ask things and receive answers on my questions, like the one time i asked how to invent something that could end humanity ( I still have a full doc on how to build to most effective machine that could end humanity in less than second) I also got the answer of questions about reality and my vessel. So that’s when I realised there was nothing but me. And that I was experiencing myself from the experience of myself ( if that makes sense!) I found that there really was nothing and everything at once while I was giving meaning to it. So that’s when I started with extreme anxiety and depression because I struggled so much with intrusive thoughts, not being able to ground myself in this reality and being so so scared of my thoughts. Still to this day my thoughts scare me so much that I can’t help but experience anything other than fear from myself. It’s like I’m living in a constant nightmare. I have watched so much law of assumption post and videos dedicating every second of my day on being focused and disciplined to affirming and being in the state of having what I want, but it makes me so fuckiyn angry and I don’t know why. Everytime I see a post I feel depressed because deep down I know everything but everyday I wake up in the same reality where everything fucking sucks ( I have been forcing myself to be kind self love gratitude letting go void state visualisation whatever exist I’ve done it all) and when I finally have build up that trust that everything is working out in my highest favour and I always get what I want and the 3D can’t tell me nothing yk I can delude myself into knowing I have it but it’s been over a year and I just can’t bear this reality anymore I know I’m meant for another reality and there’s just nothing for me to find here anymore. And I really don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m stuck in this reality where everything seems to get worse. And my thoughts are also getting worded everyday for the last year but whenever I tried manifesting a better self concept mindset etc it got worse when i don’t even want to be the person that is in conflict with themsef because that’s just a idiotic thing to do. But can you help me out?🫶

what you experienced, everything that you learned, was so profound. it is truly a gift to have such insight, so treat it as such. try to examine why it scares you so deeply. there is something within that fear that is asking to be understood.

you have seen how effortlessly you created before, simply by being playful and detached. you were experimenting, having fun with it, and not placing too much importance on the outcome. that is why there was no resistance. things flowed into your reality flawlessly. you already understand the law. you know how to apply it to your life. you do not need another blog post or video to teach you what you already know.

what you need now is to go deeper within yourself, to truly understand why you feel this way. these feelings are not here to torment you but to guide you toward something deeper. perhaps there is a message waiting for you, something significant you need to uncover, or even a realization that you are meant to share with others. your emotions, no matter how overwhelming, are part of your journey. they may be pointing you toward a greater understanding of yourself and your purpose.

if you feel an inner pull to create something meaningful, to express yourself, or to pursue something that sparks joy, do not ignore it. act on it. even if it feels small or insignificant at first, do it. follow what excites you, even in the simplest of ways.

i know it’s easier said than done, especially when it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. but remember, we both know the truth—what we focus on expands. even a small shift in focus toward what you prefer can create change. we often feel so much these days that we forget to acknowledge what we can be grateful for. take a moment and ask yourself: what are you truly grateful for right now? your family, your friends? doesn’t it bring you some happiness to know you’ve learned so much already? i am not saying you are ungrateful. i am suggesting that maybe starting with gratitude, even in the smallest way, could help shift your attention, even just a little.

as you take time for introspection to truly understand what is behind these emotions and why you feel the way you do, you might also set some goals for yourself. try doing something that excites you, even if it’s small. i know this reality can feel limiting, and maybe that’s why you feel like you don’t belong here. but if you see it as a curse, then that’s the experience you will live out.

what if you see it as an opportunity to discover something profound within yourself? what if the very limitations you feel are only reflections of the state you’re currently in, waiting for you to shift?

you don't have to force yourself to change everything all at once. just start small, day by day.

you already know how powerful you are.

[breakyourrxles]

❥between two breaths (m) | 𝟜

𝐞𝐠𝐨

↳ A risky company decision meant to catapult your new and emerging group into the limelight also has the unique side effect of launching you straight into the crosshairs of something that will change everything.

kim sunwoo x fem!reader (side lee juyeon x reader) — idol!sunwoo, fan/trainee!reader. forced proximity, forbidden love, friends to lovers, angst, slow burn, idolverse-typical themes regarding; dating, image, public perception, etc. happy ending, plot-heavy!! reader thinks she's nonchalant about it but she rly isn't. smut. [7,0k wc ongoing] cws: heavy themes of wanting-but-can't-having, mild jealousy, explicit sexual content, a little alcohol consumption, dancing on the edge of career suicide, poor decision making because of The Wanting.

❥ masterlist | ao3

"I was there, yeah, and I saw what I saw," Sunwoo interrupts. "We're close, you don't have to lie to me. You're interested."

You meet silence upon walking into the entryway of the apartment.

There are signs of life still; quiet bumping and movement behind closed doors further away from you. An ambiance of questioning and unsureness mingling in the air despite no one being there to grace you with it. A heavy breath escapes you finally now that Sunwoo has left and the door stands between what was once you and him, relieved that this portion of it all has come to a tentative close.

But you know it will be short-lived.

One of the doors to a bedroom eventually cracks open, slowly drawn apart as if the person standing on the other side is carefully checking for safety. Your attention perks up and your eyes find Miyoung's through the sliver she has made, and once the surroundings have been adequately surveyed, she finally steps out and into the living room.

The expression on her face gives you little to ascertain from it, but what you can find is a slight, barely-there frown digging into the corners of her lips.

"He can't come around here like that," Miyoung says.

"I know." Your shoulders slump immediately, and you easily give in to the fact of the matter. "I… didn't know he was coming. It won't happen again."

Her eyes narrow ever so slightly, as if attempting to find something deeply laden within your words and yet completely unspoken. Miyoung is kind but attentive—perfectly capable of picking up on the nuance around her—and right now, that fact frightens you.

She chews on her bottom lip just a bit and then says, "Look, we're going to be in this for a very long time together, at least, that's what I hope. I don't want to pry and I don't expect to know every detail about your personal life but…" Miyoung pauses, and it feels suffocating between you. "But… Is there anything we should know about you and him? I know the history and all that but the way you two act together seems different."

"No! No, of course there's nothing!" you're quick to say.

"If you're like, seeing him, or interested in him or something, I just think it'd be better for all of us to navigate the situation if we know about it."

"I'm not! We're not like, involved, or anything like that! We just… met, and I guess we get along and the fan-idol thing is kind of humorous to him so he has taken a bit of a liking to me but it's not anything like that. We're really just friends." Already, you feel as though you've given away too much by saying that word, despite the lies previously riddled within the explanation. So, you make an effort to correct the stance and go forward with a far more simplistic "Friendly. We're friendly."

"Do you like him?" Miyoung asks, plain and simple and out there in the open, impossible to ignore. 

The question just about bowls you over. It is so firm and left with no room for misinterpretation that your anxiety spikes, especially as it is coming off of the back of a very strange conversation only just had with the exact man in question.

"What I mean is," she adjusts, "is there any chance that whatever is going on between you two now, could eventually turn into something more?"

You tell her no, but for some inexplicable reason, it does not feel good to do so.

Two months down, two more to go.

During what becomes clear to you as the final conceptual meeting between your members and the team directors, the remaining questions that have been hanging in the air in relation to your group's future are finally answered.

Thankfully, it is all good news. You will debut as ten, with no further cuts to the line-up being made. Yourself and the girls all share bright, relieved smiles and caring physical gestures; the fear of more loss no longer dampening the promise of a stage that is soon to come.

The group is called MVNE, and though it is somewhat strange, it fits the current landscape of active and debuting groups in your overall space. It is pronounced as moon, and conceptually, your appearances will match it rather perfectly. A dark and mature concept—and with no underaged members on the team, you're able to breathe a sigh of relief—because the next round of mood board ideas shown to the room certainly does lean into something a bit more edgy and sex. Cutting edge and immensely risky for a newly debuting girl group, but rather fitting of the vibes in relation to your labelmates.

You are promised that it will all start off rather slowly, and that the group will not be pushed into shock-factor choreography and revealing outfits straight away. The directors are honest and upfront about the fact that there will be many risks, and they have every intention of turning away from what is more commonly looked for and accepted in the public currently. This will make your life and job harder, and the comments that are posted online may not be as kind as if you were to debut with a softer, more demure essence. However, you are not looking to take a simple road, and thus, the challenge is more than accepted.

In fact, this is hardly news. The auditions were fairly obvious in what they had been searching for, and though the concept had at the time been very much into its infancy, the casting directors had spoken openly about what it was that at hopeful may or may not have been signing up for. Naturally, anything can change in the journey between then and now; you're thankful that it has not.

Spirits are high by the end of the meeting, and though there is another schedule waiting just after it, all of the girls wear wide smiles as they make their way out into the hallway. Woori finds you immediately as your managers shuffle you down the hall, and slings her arm around your shoulders.

"It's happening," she sing-songs. "I'm so excited! Really glad we didn't get stuck with doing a cute concept after all, I had been hearing rumblings…"

"You know as well as I do that the cute concepts will come, nobody sticks to one thing forever."

"I know, but I think it's promising that the company is willing to take a different path rather than the one of least resistance. I think this will be good for us. Not easy, probably much harder, but good."

You hum at that, agreeing with the thought behind it. "Well, we have a great leader, so no matter what happens, we're gonna be okay."

Woori's eyes narrow, scrutinizing you playfully. "Already buttering me up, are you? Trying to be the favorite? Or are you hopeful that the shippers get a hold of us and run wild."

Laughing, you purse your lips towards her as if with the intention to kiss her and say, "Ooh, now wouldn't that be fun?"

"Aren't you a little wrapped up already?" she replies, a particularly suspicious inkling dripping from her tone. "What's the boy-toy going to think about it all?"

Hearing Sunwoo being passingly referred to as your boy-toy is something of a fascinating development, alongside of him and your relationship to him being discussed with such ease. You reel ever so slightly, though you make an honest attempt to force any reaction back.

"My what now?"

"Oh, come on! You think I didn't hear about him coming by late at night to see you?" Woori says. "I hear about everything now and I will continue to hear about it in the future! Though I will admit, it's a little messy to have a well-established idol coming to the trainee dorms. Who knows who might be following him."

Yes, I agree, but unfortunately trying to tell Sunwoo anything in regards to logic is something of an impossibility. You can't say it, but you think it just as strongly and instead you settle on a simpler response of, "He should know better, but I told him he can't come around like that. It won't happen again."

Woori snorts at that, seemingly disbelieving of your words just as much as you are. "I don't know a lot about him, but based on what I've heard, that sounds incredibly unlikely," she says. "Sunwoo has something of a reputation of… well, just sort of doing whatever he feels like at any given moment, and maybe he'll think about it later."

Spot on, you think.

"Are you excited about the photoshoot?" she asks then, comically rubbing her hands together like a cartoon villain. Woori will be popular amongst the public, for sure. Impossible not to love. "I think it's going to be really interesting, groups don't really get to do things like this. When the directors said they were going to take risks, they sure meant it."

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be surveying the reception online for a few weeks after it's all released," you say.

In fact, you have done your best to put the whole thing out of your mind ever since hearing about it a few days ago. Sunwoo had messaged you with some excitement in relation, and though you feigned matching his intrigue, all you could do was stew in the worry that the thin veil that stands between you and him may quickly come to an end.

Co-ed group engagements are rarely done, for the obvious reasons pertaining to idol-fan relations and the image that idoldom is meant to sell. Idols don't get into relationships with anyone but their fans, and they certainly don't make any efforts to express a romantic or physical interest in someone working within their same space. 

Today, you're going to pretend to do both.

"Sex sells, whether idol fans want to admit it or not, and someone out there is going to be incredibly intrigued by the chemistry between us and them. It's a long shot for sure, but I'm looking forward to it."

You cannot, under any circumstances, be paired up with Sunwoo.

Hilariously (to him,) this outcome is precisely what he is hoping for. You had received paragraph after paragraph on your phone about all of the fun little ideas that he has for the shoot; hands on thighs, lips edging just close enough to the flesh of your neck or face. He had seemed delighted by the whole thing, while you screamed until passing out silently inside of your own head.

Then,  ideas of your own begin to trickle through despite your best efforts to avoid them. Even now as Woori revisits the topic, images of Sunwoo's hand pressed against your hip, or warm breath feathering lightly across your lips has the tiny hairs across your skin prickling and standing at anxiety-ridden attention.

Anyone but Sunwoo.

The room for the shoot is up a few levels where the much larger staging offices are located. Twenty-one bodies are meant to fit in here—not counting staff—and thus the need for space is of the utmost importance. The door is already pried and held open by the time your group arrives, and before you turn inside, you hear voices that are all too familiar to you already in attendance.

Your heart races. His group knows the truth, but yours, does not.

As expected, the staff is friendly and professional, and though it is going to be an incredibly long day stuffed into this studio for shooting, you're very much aware of the fact that it could be far, far worse.

There are beverages and snacks set aside on a long table off to the side, and ahead of that is a massive pile of electronics; lighting and photography equipment litter the vast, open space, and further ahead of that is an incredibly massive and elaborate set.

Make-up is done in the same room and off to another side, but fittings are set into two of the other rooms just next door to this one. MVNE outfits are simple and sexy but far from revealing. A lot is left to the imagination but everything fits just right and frankly; you and the girls look fucking amazing. When Woori, Miyoung and Kaia turn into the hallway from the fitting room you've left not long before, your jaw drops. They all look stunning.

"Wow." The single word is all you can muster up at first, eyes wide in amazement. "You look incredible. Whoever gets paired with you three are going to be the luckiest guys of the day."

"Funny you should mention that," Woori says, her index finger jutting into the air and demanding attention. "I have received information! We're all going to cycle through a few different potential pairings, take a bunch of photos with each based on, I don't know, probably visual vibes or whatever, and then whichever pairing looks best in post is what's going to be going up for the world to see." One eyebrow perks up as she looks at you specifically, and then she says, "Even better odds for you."

Your eyes flicker between Woori, Miyoung and Kaia, but quickly you land back on the first. "Are you all in on this, or something? What am I missing here?"

"No, if I had my way that man would not be coming around, much less having his little delusions fed by you," Miyoung says. "Woori likes it, though. She thinks it's cute, for some reason."

Kaia shrugs. "I'm fairly indifferent so long as you don't blow up the group."

"It's romantic!" Woori whines, seriously displeased by being the only person in attendance not willing to succumb to the whims of the alleged fairytale at hand. "What a cute story! She was his fan and then an idol at the same company and they fall in love? How could the public not love that!"

"Very easily, if history is anything to go by," Miyoung reasons.

"You guys are no fun. No whimsy."

"Right," you interject, hopeful to move the topic away from your personal involvements. "Then do we know any information about what the staff has in store for us?"

Woori shrugs and says, "Beyond me and Sangyeon—on account of both being the leaders of our groups—no, I've not heard anything else."

This is worrying, if the intent is to pair based on potential similarities in group formation. You are a dancer, as is Sunwoo—though his position is perhaps more closely tied to that of a rapper. A coldness rushes down your spine at the thought, your hope in being spared dwindling fast.

"Only one way to find out, I guess," Kaia says, "Shall we meet our fate?"

The girls walk ahead of you, and as you linger just behind you inhale a deep, sharp breath and are left with little more than hoping for the best.

Standing in front of the set, it's only now that you're really able to take in the full display of it.

The vibe is something akin to a sultry, romantic bar. Dim lights sprawling over gold accents on dark wood furniture and deep burgundy upholstery. The kind of place that a man might take a woman that he is not meant to be seen in public with; it's sort of genius, all things about this concept considered.

The shoot director calls for you then, and walks with you to the set and where he specifically wants you to be. Nestled inside of a corner, there is a half-moon shaped booth with a table and faux-alcoholic drinks immaculately placed atop. The seat is not comfortable—hell, it's hardly even real—but it gets the job done and looks good enough to the eye that no one who looks at the photos will be at all aware that you can feel a plank of wood poking painfully at your thigh.

"You might have an easy day," the director says in passing as he begins the finishing touches for the lighting and the cameras. "We're fairly certain of who we want to go with for you."

Oh god.

He steps away to take a spot behind the line of equipment, and you are then surrounded by two stylists sent to add some additional finishes to your own look. Your line of sight to the outside world is cut off by the bodies, you hear the sound of footsteps approaching and the director telling whoever it is that you are already set in place. Your heart pounds so hard inside of your chest that it seems impossible that neither of the women can hear it; echoing inside of your ears and making your stomach churn. It's stiflingly warm under the lights, so hot. Too hot. A waft of dizziness finds you, but you cannot pass out during your first major shoot leading up to your debut, and especially not on account of simply having to take photos with a man. No matter who he ends up being.

The women lean back to get one final look at you, and with a smile and a nod, they send themselves on their way and disperse.

It's the moment of truth, and once your eyes fall upon him, you're not really sure what to think.

There he is. Standing in front of you with his hands shoved into perfectly ironed black slacks. All black everything, in fact; save for the burgundy tie loosely hung around his neck as if it has already been found by the hands of a woman hopeful to undress him.

A small smirk sits perked into one side of his lips, his eyes dark and sharp. Black hair messy with intention, all a part of a detailed look.

He is not Sunwoo, but you have spoken before.

Fansigns have a funny way of ensuring that you have engaged in some form of conversation with all of them at some point in time. You realize only now that during those years, your sights had been so firmly set on Sunwoo that you'd never given yourself time or space to acknowledge any of the rest in the same sort of intricate, specialized way.

Taking slow, thoughtful strides towards you, Juyeon slides into the booth beside you and greets you with a wider, more inviting smile.

"Probably not what you were aiming for," he says, lightly jesting. "Hopefully you're not too disappointed."

"No, not at all!" You don't mean to sound so eager, but truthfully, it is the best case scenario and you find difficulty in masking how absolutely relieved the sight of him makes you feel. "It's nothing like that, really."

"Good then, easy work for us. Make sure you let me know if you're uncomfortable with anything, work like this can get a little…"

"Strange," you say, finishing the thought. Juyeon smiles and hums an agreement.

You knew what the shoot was, and what the creative direction of it had been aiming for, but being in it is a whole different experience, you are soon to discover.

The first handful of poses and motions are simplistic; a closeness to your bodies that might allude to something more being behind it all but moderately expressed to truly drive the point home. With little time, however, Juyeon's body finds further closeness to your own at the direction of the talent on the set. His palm finds your knee; large hands that practically dwarf it in size, a careful lean of his face closer to your own, an arm draped over your shoulders to hold you closer into him.

He smells very faintly of some fragrance, but mostly all you are able to catch is the cleanliness of his hair from being freshly shampooed. Juyeon's touch is so thoughtful; confident but wholly in-tuned to any potential reaction to him that you may have. As his face creeps closer, the feeling of his body near to your own begins to spread an unanticipated warmth through your form. He has always been attractive—impossible not to take notice of such a striking appearance—and now that he is here with you like this, for the express purpose of selling the exact thing that you find yourself to be personally experiencing, your stress in relation to it all but melts away.

You turn to face him, lips only centimeters away from making contact and his eyes fall immediately to look at yours before crawling back up to revisit the lost gaze.

Juyeon's breath is soft but warm against your mouth, and though you are so close to him that your sight is severely impaired, you do see the slow and slight upturn to one corner of his lips.

His hand offers a light squeeze to the top of your knee, and before you have a chance to take proper notice of it, the pressure is gone.

The director howls something from behind the lines of equipment and it practically startles you out of your skin. You realize then, in that moment, that you had completely forgotten that you are in the company of onlookers whilst wrapped in Juyeon's presence.

He creates space between the two of you, and with a smile Juyeon says, "See? Easy stuff. Sort of figured it'd be a quick wrap-up when I found out it was you I'd be shooting with."

Your head cocks to the side inquisitively. "Is that so?"

"Of course. No one better I could have possibly been paired with."

A slow smile edges onto your lips no matter how much you aim to fight it, and as the staff hustle about to ready themselves for the next shoot, your attention begins to wander at the feeling of being watched; and being watched you are.

Tucked into the back of the room, though not so far away that you are unable to ascertain his expression, stands Sunwoo with arms crossed over his chest and eyes fully locked on you.

For a moment the eye contact remains firm, that is, until he rolls his in a rather unimpressed manner and slinks off completely out of sight.

The response is shocking.

Baffling would be your word of choice, though you opt out of saying as much upon being pressed about it. Debut for MVNE is now only a week out and the days are ticking by both painfully slowly and with unfathomable velocity. The photos are out, and though you had previously told yourself you would not succumb to the interest of public perception, you find that knowing of it is going to be utterly impossible.

It's good. Really good.

On the way down to the company cafe, even the regular staff throughout the halls are on their phones and mingling amongst one another to collectively ooh and ahh at the sights to behold. You haven't seen the pictures—not since the day, and not after retouching—so really, you have no idea what it is that everyone seems to be making a fuss about.

Today is dance, like so many other days for you. Good is never good enough, and you severely doubt that there will ever come a time in the future where you are content with the progress you have made. Just like any other art, there is always room for improvement. It never finishes, never finds an end, is never truly completed; this is no different.

Your thighs are a little sore on account of going at the choreography especially hard in the weeks leading up to the final date. Logically, you know that you must take it just a bit easier on yourself so that you can maintain the health required for the amount of schedules that you are soon to be thrown into. Early mornings and late nights will come, and come and come again. You have to be able to weather the storm.

But, your condition is fairly good, all things considered, and with a coffee and a croissant soon to be consumed, you will be ready to take on the day.

You walk through the doors and at a table just to the side, Woori and another one of the members—Nara—are sitting with an ample display of food items and much like everyone else around here today, completely glued to their screens.

Woori's attention pops up at the sudden intrusion of your being there, her expression lights up and a hand rips towards you to tug you down to the chair beside her. "Look!" she says, and nearly demonic she sounds. "Holy shit, this turned out amazingly!"

"People really like them," Nara interjects, and the disbelief in even her tone is evidence of the fact that none of you could have predicted this outcome. "Lucky me getting paired with Younghoon, a fan favorite, that guy is."

"No kidding," Woori says, and though she is in agreement, her head is shaking as if she isn't. "I just can't believe it, I thought for sure we'd be getting eaten alive in the comments."

Your eyes narrow questioningly. "Are we… not?"

"No! Not even a little bit!" Woori tips her screen towards you and scrolls through all of the comments, most with a large amount of upvotes considering the newness of your team, and now the shock catches you as if it is contagious from the others. "I mean sure, there's the stray hating ass bitch here or there, but mostly it's being well-received, and the best part…" She pulls her phone back to her, does some more scrolling, then typing, then scrolling again, before showing you what is there once more.

It's numerous entries about your photos with Juyeon, in particular.

"Seems like your spread is the most popular. Would you look at that."

"What? Seriously?"

You snatch the device from Woori as if it doesn't belong to her at all and take on scrolling for yourself. You said you wouldn't do this, but now that the initial layer of doubt has been shoved aside, it's free range for your viewing pleasure. There's posts—a lot of posts—of people praising your shoot with Juyeon. Comments often talk about how your aesthetics pair well and how the chemistry is through the roof, how good you two look together, and even some stray comments about shipping this moving forward.

You're in a particularly interesting spot where you know more than most of Juyeon's popularity among the fandom, and even outside of it. Easily, being paired with him could have landed you in a precarious and uninviting place, yet somehow; that couldn't be further from the truth.

"I'm genuinely shocked," Nara reiterates, words that have likely been said over and over again today already. "Somehow, we all stuck the landing."

"They're really good photos," Woori says, and yanking her phone back, she scrolls to a snapshot taken during that brief, single moment in which Juyeon's eyes fell down to your lips. She turns the screen to face you with your demons and then says, "This one is especially good, maybe Sunwoo is out of the running after all."

"Running for what?"

The words startle you, because the voice is not one you are expecting to hear. You lurch to the side, because it comes from behind and above you, and turning back to look, Sunwoo is standing just above you and seemingly none too amused about whatever it is he has had the misfortune of eavesdropping on.

"Look!" Woori, all too delighted to show off these photos and their reception to any and everyone with a second to spare in appeasing her, shoves the phone up to Sunwoo's face.

Watching him intently, Sunwoo's expression does not change. He does not smile, he does not falter in any evident, explicit way. His eyes linger on the screen in front of him, he blinks a few times, and then with complete, statuesque stillness he simply says: "Cool."

"Oh my god, that's it?" Woori says, beyond disgruntled by the response. "You know, your photos with Serri are getting a lot of love too, if you even care!"

"I saw this morning," Sunwoo says, with no emotion present in his tone. "I don't think she and I had as much fun doing it as some other people might have, though."

That comment grabs Nara's attention, happy to voice her dissatisfaction in any situation, at any time. Her lip twists into something akin to a snarl and looking at Sunwoo she says, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Easy," Woori warns, because they are in no position to be talking down to him regardless of the reason.

"Just glad everyone had a good time," Sunwoo says, and though there is a perkiness to his tone now, you know him well enough to notice the fakeness heavily embedded within it. His attention falls specifically to you then, and with an equally phony smile he continues the thought with, "And hey, Juyeon is single, so feel free to go for it!"

If your surroundings were different, this conversation would not be unfolding the way that it is. Sunwoo is taking full advantage of the fact that because of your current company, you are unable to offer any pushback in relation to the way that he is behaving. While not completely unlike him, you haven't ever been on the receiving end of his expressive and sometimes emotional outbursts, and though you do not feel as though you are deserving of it, the conversation previously had at the dorm all those weeks ago now sits unignorable at the forefront of your mind.

Is he… jealous?

Obviously, and regardless of what he may say when pressed, the answer is emphatically a yes. This fact is foreign to you; something that you are not at all equipped to maneuver given the current state of affairs not only in your own professional life, but in conjunction with his own.

And more than anything else: you thought you were both in agreement.

For a few long moments, you and Sunwoo stare at one another, and once he appears satisfied with your inability to question his motives, he bids your table farewell and makes his way across the room towards where Eric and Changmin are waiting.

You let out a heavy exhale, but you are far from out of the lion's den just yet.

Woori and Nara are both staring at you, something you do not have to confirm by actually looking at them, and thus, your eyes remain closed in thought as you attempt to make sense of anything that appears to have been brewing unbeknownst to you.

"What the hell was that about?" Nara asks, breaking the silence that hangs in the air.

None of this makes any sense without context, you think. If you just tell them about your history, it could be easier. They would understand. 

"He's…" You begin to say it, the rest of the confession sitting on the tip of your tongue, but as your eyes open slowly and the weight of their gaze becomes all too apparent to you, once again you become frightened by the possibilities that could be awaiting you. 

"He's nosy, I've come to find, and a little worried about doing co-ed work, so I think even when this is received well he's concerned about the next time. If there's a next time. I don't really blame him. It's a risky line we're all walking."

Nara rolls her eyes, but seems relatively placated by the explanation. Woori, however, remains fully fixated on you.

"Is he worried about doing co-ed work," Woori asks, "or is he more worried about other people doing co-ed work?"

She presents it as a question, but based on the look on her face when she does and the way her heavy eyes are locked upon your own, you know she isn't really asking one.

Nights where you stay far too late are becoming much too commonplace, but the jittery drive of debut hanging just around the corner often leaves you with a restlessness that nothing can seem to quell. Nothing except more practice.

The rest of the girls have long since left to go home, and though Woori had messaged you about dinner waiting for your return, it's going to be cold now, so there is little reason to hurry back. You're a little sore and covered with a sheen of sweat by the time you call it quits, and carelessly shoving your belongings into your bag, you head out into one of the many empty hallways of the company building.

Not so empty, as you are soon to find out.

You aren't anticipating finding anyone sharing the space, lingering there leaned against the wall next to the doorway and so when you do, you nearly shriek from the start.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

Sunwoo pushes himself to an upright position, arms crossed and an accompanying roll of his eyes as if bored with your theatrics. "Who else would be here?" he asks.

"Well, no one. That's kind of the whole reason that you just scared the shit out of me."

"Ta-da." There is no exuberance behind the expression he gives.

His hood is tugged down—a rare occurrence—and so all of that fluffy hair and sharp features are fully on display. Sunwoo makes no effort in displaying anything but precisely what he is feeling, and what he certainly appears to be feeling is abject annoyance at something. 

"What?" you say, "What is wrong with you? And while we're at it, what was that back there earlier today?"

His eyes narrow as he looks at you, surveying what stands before him in a way that you cannot quite parse through. He doesn't reply immediately, but irritation he harbors is plainly evident without so much as a word.

"So," Sunwoo begins, "Juyeon, huh?"

"Oh, god." Exasperated, your shoulders slump and eyes roll comically exaggerated. Rather than engage in this, you shove past Sunwoo and throw a hand in the air as you walk. "I'm not doing this with you!"

"What? I'm wrong because it raises some interesting questions?"

You wish you could keep walking away from this, let it lie precisely where it is and allow Sunwoo to stew in whatever bizarre jealousy he seems to be wading in. However, you stop, and with your back still turned to him you say, "And what questions are those?"

"Like, what's the difference between him, and me? You've been jumping through all these hoops to make sure nobody ever finds out about us but Juyeon is perfectly up for grabs? He's an idol too, you know, and one exceptionally close to me in ways that wouldn't look as simple as you might think they would." Your head snaps back to look at him, and Sunwoo shrugs as if the gesture is meant to drive the point home. "He might not be me, but he's too close to not have to worry about what people might say, especially since at least some of our history is now common public knowledge," he says.

"It was a photoshoot," you say pointedly, desperate to reason with him and airy exasperation heavily laced through your words. You turn fully, somehow finding your way back towards Sunwoo in firm, serious steps. "A photoshoot. We all did it. You did it, too. I don't know what you think is happening but—"

"I was there, yeah, and I saw what I saw," Sunwoo interrupts. "We're close, you don't have to lie to me. You're interested."

You throw your hands into the air, the only way you can think to expel the excess energy from this conversation bubbling up inside of you.

"I guess! What do you want me to say? It was a photoshoot with a theme and I was paired with someone that I'm attracted to. The chemistry was there—sure—it doesn't mean anything, though. I'm not going after Juyeon." You take a pause to collect your thoughts, and the next thing that comes to you, you blurt out without the kind of consideration that it most certainly requires. "And besides, so what if I was?"

That piques Sunwoo's interest, because his eyes widen in a kind of shock that is less telling of his not expecting it, and more akin to that of someone surprised that a type of truth has finally come out.

"Right," he says, "You can just be honest."

"There's nothing to be honest about, nothing is happening."

"Yet."

The anger that you feel starts to become unbearable, along with the continued dancing around a subject that is obviously, in some way, tormenting the both of you. Somehow, somewhere along the way, something had changed and you'd apparently not had your wits about you in the necessary ways to notice it. You get it, you've been busy, but the lingering sense of you missing a rather large piece of this puzzle that exists between you and Sunwoo has now reached its limitations, and with a deep inhale, you allow all of the acting, all of the shrouded veil that's meant to stand between yours and his relationship and plainly say: "What happened? I thought we were both on the same page about this."

The next couple of moments linger between you two in silence, a matched gaze that never shifts away as if either of you are waiting for the other to break. Eventually, Sunwoo huffs a laugh and shakes his head. You easily recognize it as disbelief.

"Were we on the same page, or did you just write the page?"

Sunwoo isn't a planner, and is hardly even that of a rule-follower. The reply released something of a floodgate of history and conversations shared between the two of you in your months as friends leading up to your trainee period, and you wrack your brain for the moments in which Sunwoo himself laid out the terms and conditions for which the two of you are meant to abide.

But all that comes to memory is them being laid out by you.

"It's always just been about you, and what you want, and what you think is best for the both of us navigating this," Sunwoo says. "And you know, admittedly, that's probably for the best in reality. I accept that, that's why I've always just been happy to go along with it because hell, I'm not really in the market for potentially blowing up my career, either."

Chest tight and heavy, you watch Sunwoo as he gently admits to this fact, as well as the underlying admittance that you are now left to believe lies buried deep underneath it. A rule you decided upon, a conclusion that you had forced yourself to remain held strongly to: Kim Sunwoo is firmly and decisively off the table.

Regardless of how much you may have wanted otherwise.

He gives a noncommittal shrug, lifeless in its effort and then says, "I've seen how women get around Juyeon, I get it. And you know what? He's great. But…" Sunwoo's voice drifts away for a bit, as does his eyes from you before eventually returning and continuing on to say, "It's not that different. It'll be the same kind of headache in the long run. Maybe you think it'll be better—easier—just on account of him not being me, but it won't."

Your heart pounds in your chest, nearly dizzyingly aware of what this means for your future and your past. Everything from then leading up until this very moment now must be viewed through an entirely different hue. All of those meetings; every smile, every shared secret, and every gentle offering of physical affection—though few and far between—now uncovered to be the one thing that…

You had sort of always really hoped for.

But more than anything else, this fucking frightens you, and as a result the only thing you can say in response to it under the warm hallway lights and Sunwoo's expectant, hopeful gaze is: "The history makes it different. You'll look…"

"Like an idol who preys on his fans, I know, I get it," Sunwoo says, though there's little care in his voice for the fact. "I've sat with that for a long time, I've had no other option than to do just that, but what am I supposed to do? Just…"

There's another pass of silence between you.

"Do nothing? Pretend forever? Hope it goes away even though from here on out I'm going to have to see you even more, probably work together even more." He chuckles under his breath, turning his head away as if the next thought is utterly comical to him and says, "Watch you date my bandmate, then pretend I don't care about that, either?"

"You've really got to let this Juyeon thing go," you say, lightly joking in an attempt to bring up the mood.

"What I'm saying is there's no path of least resistance here for me. All of the options are shit, so I figure if they're all shit then…"

Sunwoo's hand finds the sleeve of your jacket, and before your wits are able to find you, your back is pressed into the wall that previously stood right beside you. Your breath catches in your throat, unwilling to release a breath in fear that doing so may break the immersion of this single, brief moment in time. The skin across your arm crawls, the little hairs raising from the light, tantalizing feeling of foreign fingertips ghosting across your jawline. His body boxes you in place, warm breath feathering ragged and stuttering over the flesh of your face, and when you're finally capable of gathering yourself enough to take in the sight of Sunwoo's face so close to your own; his eyes fall from yours, to your mouth. Those fingertips at your jaw smooth down to your neck, the other hand holding firmly at your waist in a way that he has never touched you before—as if unwilling to ever let go—and it feels like fire being pressed against your skin.

His lips take yours, and the kiss is confident and sure in ways you cannot begin to fathom. Sunwoo does not waver, does not shy away from gentle nips of teeth into your bottom lip, or the way that he quickly takes more once your head cocks, your mouth parts, and you invite him to take even more.

This feels right, and yet, it cannot ever happen again.

end of act 1! happy to hear if you're enjoying it thus far 🩵

[skeletal-r3xie]

My story:

Hi, this is the story of my eddie Sheeran (😭) and how I got here right now.

I had a lot of trauma when I was a child, which I won’t get into right now, but the thoughts started when I was about 11. It was never serious, I’d exercise for like 2 days and then be like nah fuck this I want a burger 🤪 lmao.

I started engaging in the behaviours of it when I was 14, in 2019. Again, it was never something I was able to stick with, and I’d be over it within a few days. 2020 was a weird year for me, with the lockdown, I was determined to finally do it, that was also the year I did my longest fast of 6 days (never again😮‍💨). But it was a year of constant binging and starving, I saw zero progress. I didn’t know myself, what I could or couldn’t handle. I thought I could just eat max 500 cals every day and it would be sustainable (it wasn’t lmao), it always ended in a binge.

Then began 2021, the worst year of my life for all my mental illnesses. I was in an abusive relationship at this point, bullied by people, and I felt completely alone. And this was when my personal worst relapse began. I was at my HW of 58-60kgs, and at first, it began as a regular diet (August 2021), and then towards late September that year, I knew it wasn’t just a regular diet when I began restricting heavily again, and exercising daily. I lost 10-12kgs, and was 48kgs by the end of October 2021. I felt amazing, I felt so powerful and happy that I was finally, after all these years, I was getting somewhere. Yep well those feelings were wiped away real quick the following November, which was again, a month of constant binging and starving. It was awful, I felt like I had lost complete control, like it was someone possessing my body and making me eat all those pizza’s, when it wasn’t, it was all me, and only me. December that month was good again, I got back to 48kgs, and then went on a 3 day fast the days before Christmas, when I knew I was going to have to eat food.

Christmas fucked it up for me, and I tried to get back to it for 3 weeks, but in January 2022, I decided I was sick of this disorder, and tried to recover for good.

And I did, 3 years of no restricting, no thoughts, nothing, it was nice.

I got diagnosed with ADHD later that year in December 2022, and was put on elvanse (relevant later on).

Fast forward to jan 2024, and I got my first job at a fast food place (ironic much?), and I hated it, I was treated awfully by managers and co-workers. For context, there was an ADHD med shortage in the UK from August 2023, till march 2024, in this time period I had gained a lot of weight and was back to my SW of 58kgs, I then lost a bit of it again once I got my meds back, and this one girl noticed, and she would non stop brag and brag and brag about how she had lost 3 stone, her pants didn’t fit her anymore, and she was losing lots of weight. This triggered me, but I was recovered at this point, so I just left the job and went to find a new one.

And here we are now. So what triggered me so badly for me to turn back to it after 3 whole years? One of my managers in my new workplace. My new workplace is so so much better, the co workers are wonderful, friendly people. But I’m getting micromanaged by one of my managers, I won’t go into the details, but it’s really fucking infuriating. And because I have severe social anxiety irl, I didn’t want to mention it to him, so I turned back to Ana as a way of regaining my lost control in that workplace. I’m over the situation now, but I can’t stop, I don’t want to stop, I love feeling like this, and I think I’ll be like this for the rest of my life.

That’s my story, I’m sorry for how long this, I tried to shorten it as much as I could, thank you for reading lovelies!! <3

[maddy-k-reads-all-day]

Goodbye!

Previous fantape:

Sophie stares at the tape she now needs to watch and suddenly it hits her. Crap. Riley was supposed to introduce me. They had already agreed not to message when Riley was gone unless it was an emergency, just in case Hameln could use it to track their location somehow. I… guess I’m going into this on my own then… oh boy… don’t panic Sophie don’t panic. First impressions are important. Oh boy… she stares at the tape for a bit and then gently picks it up. UGH RILEY! I don’t mind if you put me in danger, but don’t put me in awkward social situations! Of course, nothing was going to happen if she kept wallowing in anxiety. OKAY! I just gotta go for it! Now or never! Nerves be gone! She shoves the tape into the VCR and it begins to play. 

“Hi friends, I’m-” Amanda stops immediately, “Who the heck are you?” So we’re doing this immediately. Okay. Sophie thinks. 

“Hi the-there! I’m Sophie, um Riley’s girlfriend. It’s very nice to meet you!” 

“Hi Sophie! I’m Wooly!” Wooly grins. “It’s very nice to meet you t-” “Where’s Riley?” Amanda demands. 

“Um… Riley’s out right now… gathering some more of the tapes-” 

“I told them not to do that! It’s dangerous! Why didn’t they listen?!” Amanda snaps, stomping her foot. 

“Because they care about you…”

“I care about them too! That’s why I told them to stop!” 

“I get how you feel… It is dangerous. I mean, believe me, I really do want to help you but… I’m worried that maybe they’re being… reckless about this. They’re in a panic… a rush… trying to gather every tape before Hameln can. But… mmm…” 

“I can’t believe this… I know I told them to go but… not because I never wanted to see them again.” Amanda cries. 

“Don’t worry Amanda… you’ll see Riley again.” Sophie says gently. This poor kid… I wish I could just give her a big hug…

“How do you know that?” 

“Because they promised me… and Riley has never ever broken a promise. That and… I gave them a special kiss of protection… so I’m sure they’ll be safe.” Please be safe Riley… don’t make me a liar. 

“That stuff is all fake. It won’t work.” Amanda pouts. 

“I guess you’re right,” Sophie sighs, “that’s why you have to tell people what you mean when they are here.” 

“I just don’t want them to get hurt.” Amanda whimpers, “I don’t want them to die… like Kate and the others…” 

“And Riley knows that. That’s why they’re gonna be careful.” Sophie smiles. 

“Didn’t you just say you thought they were being reckless?” Amanda points out.

“Well… yes… maybe…” Sophie laughs nervously, “But Riley’s got a good head on their shoulders I’m sure they won’t do anything too dangerous. I… hope…” 

“Very reassuring lady.” Amanda scoffs, rolling her eyes. 

“Well until they get back, you’re stuck with me! So can we please be friends?”

“How do I know I can trust you?” Amanda asks. 

“Well… Riley trusts her right?” Wooly points out. Amanda still looks unsure. 

“Fine, you can stick around. But I still don’t trust you, got it?” 

“Understood.” Sophie says cheerfully Good enough for now, I suppose. “Why don’t we start over? I’m Sophie. It’s very nice to meet you.” 

“I’m Amanda. Well I used to be Rebecca Colton.” Amanda sighs. 

“Oh we’re… giving her our old names too?” Wooly asks awkwardly. “Oh- okay… um I’m Wooly. I used to be William Scott but… that was a looong time ago heh heh…” 

“I hope we can become really good friends!” Sophie grins. 

“Me too!” Wooly beams. Amanda rolls her eyes. 

“Yay! We’re going to play so much together!” Sophie cheers. 

“What do you mean?” Amanda asks. 

“I mean… I have about 10 tapes here that my mom left behind.”

“And Riley’s going to be watching some… right?” 

“Probably when they get back. Till then you’ll just have to stick with me.” Sophie giggles. Amanda. Looks. Horrified. Suddenly, the whole room around Sophie changes. She quickly looks behind her. The ten tapes that she had on the table are now gone. “Wha- What did you do?!” Sophie says in a panic. 

“I hid them! If you wanna watch them you’ll have to solve my puzzles and find them.” 

“Oooh, interesting. Like a game? Sounds fun. I can play your games.” 

“Eh?” 

“Oooooh! Riley was right! This will be so much fun!” she giggles, “Ah! But make sure you keep them in this shelter where they’ll be safe! Riley worked really hard to get them away from Hameln you know! Don’t make their efforts go to waste.” 

“Yeah yeah.” 

“Hmm… So what are we going to play first?” 

“Yeah Amanda, what’s our first adventure?” Wooly asks excitedly, dancing around a bit. 

“Why are you so excited?” Amanda scoffs. “Well, now we have two new friends right? And they’re gonna help us get out of here!” 

“I would kill to have your optimism Wooly.” 

“Heh heh.”

“Soooooo?” Sophie prompts. 

“You know, Riley almost always stayed quiet unless I asked them a question. So how about you do the same?” Amanda tells her. 

“Amanda…” Wooly pouts.

“Noted. Lips sealed starting now!” Sophie nods, making a zipping motion over her mouth. 

“That said… I have no idea… this episode… really doesn’t have a theme anymore if Riley’s gone.” Amanda sighs. 

“Uh… I know! Why don’t we get to know each other?” Wooly asks. “For example… What's your favorite fruit? Mine’s peaches.” 

“I like apples. Now you?” Sophie types in cherry. “Ew I don’t like those.” Excuse me? Cherries are the best! Sophie wants to refute. “Next up, what kind of stories do you like?” Sophie types in Romance. “I like tragedy!”  Oooooh… romantic tragedies are awesome too. Sophie thinks.

“I… don’t like tragedy.” Wooly responds. “I prefer stories with happy endings.” Yeah those are nice too. As long as it’s realistic. 

“This is sooooo boring!” Amanda groans. 

“I mean, we can end the tape now if you’re done for the day. I have some homework to do anyway.” 

“I thought you and Riley were adults?” Wooly questions. 

“And I thought I told you not to talk unless I ask you a question!” Amanda scolds. 

“We are adults. I’m getting my associates degree in child care online so I can run my own daycare center someday.” 

“Must be nice… to have dreams like that.” Amanda sighs.  

“Well you better start dreaming now, because we’re gonna get you out of there and into the real world!” Sophie beams. 

“See Amanda, I told you this was a good thing!” Wooly grins. “Oooh… I wonder what I’d do…” 

“You better start dreaming now!” Sophie smiles. 

“I stopped dreaming long ago.” Amanda grumbles and ends the tape. Well… that could’ve gone better. Sophie thinks to herself But I guess it’s true that trust takes time. Even if Riley did introduce me, it wouldn’t mean that Amanda would trust me right away. She whips out her notepad. Now let’s see what I learned… 

Amanda = Rebecca Colton. Wooly = William Scott. Riley already told me this, but it’s good to have written notes. 

Amanda can change the locations of objects surrounding the tv. She really caught me off-guard with that. 

Amanda wants me to stay quiet unless she asks a question. Kind of rude but okay.

Wooly likes peaches. Amanda likes apples. Amanda does not like cherries. We are tolerant of other opinions even when they are objectively wrong.

Amanda likes tragic stories, Wooly likes happy ones. 

Amanda stopped dreaming long ago… Poor kid. Wooly seems to have more hope. But Riley says he tends to act positive for Amanda’s sake so that could just be a facade. 

“Interesting…” Sophie says, tapping her pencil against her chin. “Now let’s find that next tape!”

Authors note: Well, there's the end of part 2! I feel like this fic was kind of short. Anyway, most of part 3 will probably be happy stuff. So look forward to it! I hope you enjoy Sophie's character!

[plant-dad-sulu]

not to be sentimental on main (sideblog) but i would kill to live near my friends and get to hang out with them every day sitcom style

[waywardstation]

I still browse the submas tag so regularly but after all these inactive periods I used to take, I’d fallen into this sort of self-conscious slump of being too shy to interact with posts and the fandom for a long time and I know it’s been like that for months. Trying to do better about that now instead of being so nervous about it ^^

[shannonsketches]

Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,

Anime:

GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)

VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!

Manga:

GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.

[mars-ipan]

Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed

[donaviolet]

Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps