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brb currently playing the original bridge to sober up on loop bc i rediscovered it again tonight
#yes the “my favorite color is you” is iconic and catchy#but#i never spent my life in temple#thinking that my life's a rental#thinking that there's something waiting for me when i'm gone#and even if i'm gone tomorrow#even if i'm grown tomorrow#i wanna spend my only life with people that i love#FITS SO MUCH BETTER WITH THE VIBE OF THE SONG#LIKE PLS MR BROTHERS I NEED A RE-RECORDING OF THIS#this is one of the few changes i will never forgive them for :(#ajr
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Family for day 6 of SpeSilverWeek! Edition uuh found biological and crime I guess...
#this was the first one I completed tbh and I'm not vibing but it was rly good warmup and tbh working lineless is so much easier...#I get lazier and messier concerning anatomy esp and stuff but I have fun...#spesilverweek#pokespe silver#pokespe blue#pokespe#my art#the thing about this is. I have so many thoughts about this one very specific rocket au where they aren't dex holders but find Giovanni#instead but he still goes missing and they still kind of hate team rocket bc the whole mask of ice thing still happened so they try to fuck#shit up from within now that giovanni is gone even though they also rly just kinda want him to return and deal with stuff himself#and the admins have these rly fun roles of all being in disagreement on what to do#like the boss might be dead his kids should take over or we Must find the boss or lol no boss my team rocket now#and then the dex holders get mixed in too and it's Fun bc everyone is fighting everyone#also sorry Giovanni for making you look like that#it's like 5min til day 6 technically but my laptop is being a butt so in case it won't turn on tomorrow here it is now#I will not wait 5min for midnight I got a new pillow for christmas and I wanna SLeep on it noW! hell yeah !!#pokemon
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#i gotta go get my T bloodwork done tomorrow#which is fine but like#last time i was there the nurse was REALLY weird and they were pretty annoyed with me#because i hadn't come in for a long time#because life shit happened including breaking my ankle#and it's the same situation now but like so much fucking worse#and i don't want them to be assholes to me about it or about how i kind of miss shots quite a bit#like that's A Thing#it's a problem for me#but i don't deserve AT ALL to get scolded for it or treated like I'm doing something wrong#ugh i just have a chip on my shoulder#i know it has the potential to go fine and i am bringing backup with me#but EVERYTHING has gone wrong lately!#and if this goes wrong there is every chance it'll drive me to getting the stuff online and not getting bloodwork AT ALL#and I want to tell them that but I feel like they'd just be shitty about it because ultimately they may be an inclusive clinic#but they are still medical professionals and gatekeepers at heart and you can't trust medpros and gatekeepers further than you can spit#idk man I'm an adult just leave me alone to do my thing and accept that I will be in once a year for sure but no promises on more than that#i'm tired in advance#idk i just got the feeling last time that they were accusing me of getting my T illicitly and it's like bitch im not but even if i was#aren't you supposed to be a place people can be honest about their situations? am i not here jumping through your hoops to do it legally?#im doing what you wanted but the thing is I DON'T HAVE TO and if you keep acting weird im going to have to STOP#because i don't have energy to deal with my disintegrating life AND gatekeeping judgy bullshit#do cis men have to dance like this?
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My hot take is that marcanne has as much potential for toxic yuri as any other calamity trio ship and it's not nearly as soft and fluffy as one may think
#amphibia#marcanne#anne boonchuy#marcy wu#in one hand: marcy kidnapped her. by giving her AS A BIRTHDAY GIFT something that was meant to benefit HER#(yes she didn't know it would work but the point is that she thought about herself first. even though it was her best friend's birthday)#she never wanted to come back. she wanted to keep her with her forever. she was happiest when they were together#most importantly she saw what she did as a good thing. as something good that she gave to her#yet still lied to her. After what happened with Sasha#she still lied to her. became another person to betray Anne#then she fucking died for her 😭😭😭#on the other hand. you have anne#she looked after her. she certainly loved her. but she didn't care much about the things that were important to marcy#nor did she care about her feelings or needs. she and sasha third-wheeled her for years#even though marcy came first#she could only really see her once sasha was gone#you have to remove her from the equation for both of them to flourish and connect#because the shadow of sasha's abuse oppressed them for so long. anne and marcy reuniting in S2 looked a lot like two people escaping#abuse together. healing together. coming into their own. becoming better people. they get to know themselves and each other much more deeply#now that they're free. only - they aren't free. they're constantly thinking about sasha. when sasha comes back they welcome her#they reproduced the toxic patterns she left of them#though i'll recognize that in anne's case she healed a lot more from sasha's toxicity than marcy#and you can see that in how her way of relation to marcy is a lot healthier than marcy's way of relating to anne#anne is now truly and genuinely connecting to her friend. marcy is still lying to her#pushing down her feelings. ignoring her own needs. pretending everything is okay. lying lying lying#anne was the only one who could escape but marcy couldn't quite move on yet. she couldn't be free#hope this makes sense i'm writing it at 4am i'll delete tomorrow if i realize it sounds dumb
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something thats really sad to me is that I'll scroll through old posts on this blog and I'll see that people are deactivated or haven't posted in months or have archived their blogs. Like I didn't know you but I knew your blog. I knew the things you created. I didn't notice when you left but I noticed how things slowly started to grow quieter. I noticed your absence.
#i will probably delete this tomorrow bc I am sadposting but also#all the people that were big a while back are gone............................ a lot of ppl i considered to be big names are gone#i feel bad bc sometimes it feels like I can't even recognize the community anymore. I feel old (i am only 18)#I'm not saying new ppl are bad or even that I am some ancient relic its just... idk#I'm sadgirling a bit
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gang I thought it was supposed to get easier
#tomorrow will be 2 years since my step mom died. she had a rare form of intestinal cancer. she got about three years after being diagnosed.#and yeah she was an ass to me but she's gone. I had always pictured her at my wedding arguing with my mom about stuff.#I didn't even realize I was gay until after she died. I still haven't come out to my father.#he moved on so fast. 11 years of marriage and 16 months later he's remarried. I don't know how he did it.#he told me his new wife doesn't mind when he talks about her. that she understands. I guess that's good for him. and my little brother.#I'm rambling idk ignore my nonsense pls I'm fine
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my plan tomorrow: watch decked out vods during work bc it's probably gonna be slow. make myself food in my crockpot for dinner assuming i did indeed get all my ingredients i needed the last time i went shopping. make myself....some sort of alcoholic drink. sit down at my computer and spend the rest of the evening fully rewriting That Scene in firewatch au
#today and yesterday i've run into the issue where i need to do my daily writing but i'm kind of right at the big scene#and the big scene really needs to be written all at once with my undivided attention and not in pieces#and i've been soooo busy this weekend#so i'm like ahaha well i guess i can tweak wording and add a paragraph and get 100 words?#anyway tomorrow i /should/ be free all evening#i dont have to go anywhere i'll already have dinner. it'll be perfect#also i may go hiking over thanksgiving??? but i have a plan for 'easier' scenes to write while i'm gone again#but frankly? there's a distinct chance it WILL be done by the end of the month :0
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I am exhausted
#ax speaks#vent#ough#i havent relaxed in two weeks#i swear I'm gonna get fired from my job if I keep posting shifts#i don't even KNOW what to tell my boss when she asks why I'm posting so many shifts#hey boss im not soft quitting im just hearing voices in my head every day!!#im gonna throw up#pisses me off that people fake this because this is NOT cute#as much as i enjoy bonding with my alters and liking who they are and that theyre with me too#i haven't gone a day without feeling immense fear#i finally stopped my breakdown streak yesterday#went all day without a meltdown#likely because our little wasn't out all day#i am so tired i want to cry#i keep forgetting to call my psychiatrist#i don't wanna go to work tomorrow I'm so tired
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#my desserts#this person wanted a D&D cake for tomorrow but I had to be like#'sorry I can't take unusual orders on behalf of the other decorators and I'm off tomorrow'#so we worked out this whole thing like the cake would be grey with green and purple balloons#boring but they were like 'well whatever you can do'#and then at the end of my shift today I had 45 minutes left and I was like fuck it I'm making them a cake with a dragon like they asked#too bad with like most of these cakes I post I don't get to see their reactions#bc they're usually for pickup the next day when I'm off or in the evening after I've gone home
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Without me, who am I (Patreon)
#Doodles#Helix#Max Vyer#Dexter Favin#Vent#More of this#What can we do but pick up the pieces#With a habit that long-running and ingrained it'd be hard to just Stop even if the backlog was destroyed#Not really a choice to Do or Not Do - it's just What One Does whether there's a scaffold to build from or not#The worst part(s) for me really is the memory of people - bringing my ADHD!Max headcanon to the very forefront here haha#To be fair even if he doesn't have That Particular reason to have a shaky hold on his working and/or longterm memory - his drug problem#The idea of not having access to my memories of the people I love/my history/ideas/events or stories that have moved and shaped me#It's probably the scariest thing I can think of#Coupled with the lack of guarantee of tomorrow - that anything that Has existed until now will Continue to exist#And now I don't even have a way to look back to when it did. Total oblivion#Obviously not All of it but I don't even know what I don't know anymore it's just fully gone#So - some more comfort doodles of the boy <3 Shared grief half a grief and all that#He's always lovely and I love him ♥ Important-to-me lad#I'm not sure the last three-set translates exactly - losing your own diary/history/memories can be very self-alienating#No pun intended haha#Max's dream journal was always to do with ZEX and DAX and the Captain once he showed up - a life different from his own#I suppose if you wanted to go really meta with it - since Max is /a/ ZEX and his concept as a character is to be a version of him#Who is he without ZEX? Who are we without our trajectories?#I drew him with his eye there so it's assumed he'd be Max but a Defeated ZEX posing that question to Dex would be interesting too#Changes the ''me'' in question from Max to ZEX - either way their source is the same!#Being actively discouraged from and punished for his creative outlet - different circumstances but a similar sadness I suppose#The Loss and Aimlessness for sure
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Getting sent to a centre tomorrow that I've never been to before. I've previously had a couple of other educators tell me they don't like it there. When my ACM asked me, she sounded a bit tense, and when I agreed to it she said "If they don't treat you nice, walk out. Or just let us know and we won't send you back". When I told one of my lead educators about where I was going he said "Good luck", which he's never said to me before – not even when he personally asked me to go to another centre. To really cap it off, the CM from this other place – that I've never met, let alone texted with – texted me out of the blue and said "Do you know your shift is with us tomorrow and not at [your centre]?" It's all sitting weirdly with me. Anyway, if I hate it enough I'll just forgo my ibuprofen and go home early with the migraine I'll inevitably develop around midday
#i know that the other centre managers put pressure on our centre as we are the biggest (xyz corporation) centre in the state#and therefore employ more educators ergo are more likely to have spares#i have a feeling this particular manager is not very nice even to her fellow managers#i was once sent off to a different centre and a colleague was sent to this woman's and my manager said#the centre who asked for me asked nicely whereas the other was making her sit there rubbing her temples trying to breathe deeply#i've also heard whispers about her because she used to manage another centre (that i went to once) and they didn't like her there#they were glad to see her gone#so. we'll see#maybe it's all nothing#i'm sure i'll update tomorrow and you'll see if it's autistic pattern detecting (probably correct) or just being anxious (probably wrong)
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Failed a social interaction 0 injured 1 killed (me)
#Today has been so long 😭😭😭 I've been out the whole day studying and when I came back I spent more than one hour to cook my probably gone–#bad chicken (and rice and spinach) and then I couldn't even eat it because it was my turn to clean the kitchen at the dorm (which is the–#third following day I'm doing) (worth mentioning I'm running on 5 hours of sleep)#And I was goofing around with my friends but while doing so I. made fun of the landlord. And then one friend told me “hey girl he's right–#outside” and like 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I hope I die painfully. I need to be back next year and he already makes my life hard enough and hhhhhhhhhhh#I wasn't even like. Serious. It was just to joke around with my friends I don't have anything against him (except for the things I do)#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#And now I feel so embarrassed I have no appetite at all + the chicken (which I had to bring home through one hour walk in summer which–#probably wasn't good for it. And then froze one day past the expiration day) (I really need to get better eating habits) I had been–#preparing despite taking one hour to cook it I got the firing wrong and now it's all hard and honestly not very good and like 😭😭😭#Look at what you did to the (frankly already diseased) chicken#I feel so betrayed by everything 😭😭😭 Can life get a little easier#I'm mostly kidding I'm doing okay. I just need to rant because I CAN'T GET OVER THE LANDLORD THING MAN HOW DO I FORGET ABOUT IT.#This kind of things always haunts me for at least three days so 😭😭😭#I'm dead tired but I really wanted to answer asks today so. Probably doing so between today and tomorrow#Rant over sending lots of l love 💞💞#random rambles#In my defense it's not my fault I'm too poor to throw the chicken away 😪😪 I haven't eaten since forever#It's also not my fault I can't afford a new non sticking pan so I have to stick (ah) to the probably toxic one#It is very much my fault for messing up the chicken cooking temperature tho lol
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wow. not even a week into college and i'm already behind on work. fucking lovely.
#friday chats#friday vs post-secondary school#tw vent#(in the following tags)#i am immeasurably stressed right now#i need to talk to my doctor about getting a booster to go along w/my adhd meds#bc this has been a problem for a while but i think it's about to come to a head#and i'm very scared for when that happens#maybe also talk to my school's disability services#bc Good Fucking God i'm already overwhelmed#it's 11:56. should i just go to bed? i have so many things left to do#when do i even have the time to go to disability services. and i've heard a lot of schools' processes w/that are slow and overcomplicated#fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck.#i think i'm spiraling#i'm worried that if i don't get a degree i won't be able to find a nice enough job to support myself independent of my family#and i don't want to be stuck with them forever#i really really don't#maybe i can talk to disability services sometime tomorrow morning. see what they can do#i think there's mental health services too. i hope they're decent#i just feel really bad right now. and it's only week one.#it feels like time's moving too fast but too slow at the same time#classes take forever but my free time zips by and runs out way too quick#and when it's gone i've completed maybe one or two things. out of several. if any at all.#i just don't know what to do. it's only been three days.#maybe i can drop a class; i think i'm taking enough to still be considered a full-time student with one less thing on my plate#i hope so#fucking damn it#how do people do this??? for multiple years????#and i feel selfish for saying this but i hope if y'all see this post you'll interact with it somehow. even just a like.#i want to know someone hears me
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bro i got the best fuckin ego boost during math i was the Only Person in my Smart Kid math class who got a homework question right (finished the hw the period before and was just trying to find a way to do it Easier) and the teacher said so in front of the Entire Class so now everyone knows im a mcsmarty pants
#also i was gone the first half of chem but js a bit in i was at the same point on the worksheet as the people next to me#and and the social studies student teacher (who i don't like but wtvr) said i had a really good answer during a class discussion ^_^ (that#i only begrudgingly engaged in cuz Yay Bonus Participation)#and the librarian was just generally being Extra Nicies#and i did a Good Job talking to people My Age during club pictures even tho i dont talk to them as often#and and and i got All Of My Homework done Before Tomorrow for the first time in forever so that's yay#wild what Going To Sleep at a Normal Time and Remembering to Take My Meds will do for me#anyways#(normal person voice) I Require The Validation Of Teachers And Other Authority Figures#i <333333 feeling smart#Tell Me I'm Doing A Good Job Please Teacher Please#my stuff#ALSO chems no longer my lowest grade B) have a 95 in there (and a 90 in ela but we arent talkin about that okay)
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they should make a rope tow for your backyard that you don't have to build yourself or spend 9k for
#i just want to sled like a lazy person#fr the hill in my yard is sooo steep it's fun to go down but getting back up is awful#i literally have energy to do it like twice#i usually walk the long way around the bottom of the hill and up the road and across the field back to the top of the hill#instead of going straight back up#bc it's a much gentler slope but it's quite a walk#fr there used to be some kind of wacky homemade rope tow with a tractor here at one point but no more#it literally needs one#every friend who has ever come sledding at my house has said in their own wow this hill needs a ski lift#bc its a serious hike back to the top 😂#but it's great to sled down so i keep inviting people#i have some friends coming tomorrow who have never gone sledding here before#and most of them ski so i know they're gonna say something 😂#i'm literally looking into rope tows and they're 9k which is crazy#everyone seems to build their own but i am not that handy of technical minded#but what i am is lazy 😌#and broke#and i think i deserve one anyway <3#i think everyone should have one of these#or they need to invent the hover sled that will fly u back to the top of the hill#it seems like there should be an easy way to get back up tbh#just a rope and a car at the top or something but the car can't drive in a foot of snow lol#but there must be a cheap lazy solution here#there are some people with homemade ones and i think they make back the cost by charging people to use it for skiing#but i literally can't build one and i don't think anyone would pay to ski my hill bc it's a nice steep hill but there's nowhere to go#once you get to the bottom that's it you can just go back to the top and start over#but maybe as a sledding hill some local people might pay a little for that idk#but i dont want a bunch of randos doing that at my house then like suing me if they hit a tree at the bottom lol#but literally the cost of a tow rope makes it impossible even if it was homemade and im not handy anyway#but it would be so nice lol
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i started feeling rly sick suddenly earlier and it's not going away OTL
#also my mom has been commenting very often about how she never sees me anymore etc etc#but when i asked if she could at least sit down with me while i opened the presents she's giving me she said no#and that she's only gonna drop them off at the door#cause she doesn't wanna see my dad#and i think it's also because i dont want to go to grandmas house tomorrow#she keeps being like it's probably grandmas last christmas before she dies )): why won't you come )):#and i'm like i cannot handle an hour long car ride; she doesn't have internet; her house is disgusting and smells bad apparently#and i feel like i keep needing to remind her that grandma wasn't a very good grandma when we were little#super strict and mean and you couldn't even eat while watching tv#going over there sucked then and it'll suck now#also she's not on deaths door or anything it's getting harder for her to get around but my mom acts like she's on her death bed or something#so yeah i feel like my mom probably views this as a betrayal or something or me choosing my dad over her#even tho i have Never liked going there and haven't gone there in over ten years now#and now mom won't even sit in the living room for a Few Minutes with me so how is she gonna blame me for this lol
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