#and the big scene really needs to be written all at once with my undivided attention and not in pieces

[quaranmine]

my plan tomorrow: watch decked out vods during work bc it's probably gonna be slow. make myself food in my crockpot for dinner assuming i did indeed get all my ingredients i needed the last time i went shopping. make myself....some sort of alcoholic drink. sit down at my computer and spend the rest of the evening fully rewriting That Scene in firewatch au

[mizunetzu]

Heyo!! Can I request a Kuroo x male reader, where yn goes to give him a love letter one day, but he sees him with his new girlfriend??? And he’s like-sad and he tears up the note and he moves on??? But then one day kuroo asks to talk to him, and he confesses to reader, but since reader already moved on he doesn’t accept??? Angsty ending if you will 💔💔💔 thank you, Mr. Mizunetzu !!

Hi paola ily paola hee hee

——————

Kuroo x reader - you did once...

⚠️Warnings - Kuroo gets a gf, angst, not so much of a good ending?

Pronouns- male, he/him

You can find part two here!

——————

“(Y/n), can I talk to you real quick?”

(Y/n) looked up from adjusting his loose kneepad, and wiped a bead of sweat rolling off his face. He turned his head to his teammates still on their diving punishment, and looked back at Kuroo. They just lost to another school again, but he got his punishment done rather early. “Mm? Okay..?”

He rose to his feet, following Kuroo out the gym door. The walk to a secluded place far, far away from the main gym was silent and awkward, not to mention suspicious. If Kuroo wasn’t one of his good friends, he would’ve thought he was about to be kidnapped. Or murdered.

Eventually, they stopped where the fenced pathway met the grass. Kuroo stopped ominously, further proving (Y/n’s) ‘serial killer’ theory. He turned around, facing (Y/n), and leaned on the railing.

(Y/n) stiffly held his hands behind his back. “So...” he rocked on his heels, trying to seem as casual as possible. “...what did you...need...?”

He was met with no response. Kuroo, instead, gripped the railing tighter, his knuckles turning a pale white. His eyes were downcast and he was sweating like crazy. He looked like he’d seen a ghost.

(Y/n) stepped forward and crouched down, so he could see Kuroos face behind the mop that was his hair. He rested his palms on his knees, trying to decide what to say.

“...I...think your hair looks nice...today...”

If it’s one thing he hates, it’s awkward silence. Not to mention the suspense of waiting on someone to say someone possibly life changing. I mean, why else should he drag him out miles away from the gym during training camp?

“Uh-If we don’t hurry up, we’re gonna miss our next match-“

“I need to get something off my chest.”

(Y/n’s) throat closed up. It was simple. The secluded area, Kuroo flushed face, fiddling and chipping the rust off the railing. He didn’t know how he didn’t see it before. He’s been in this situation plenty of times, with girls he can’t even remember the face of. But oh how much he’d love to be in this situation a few months ago.

————

‘Just do it. just do it. God, just do it. Worse comes to worse, he’s straight. It’s not like he’s the type of person to de-friend someone because they like them!’

(Y/n) gripped the white envelope behind his back harshly, crinkling it on the corners. It had a red, heart shaped sticker on the seal flap, with the words ‘To Tetsu’ written in dark pink across the back.

Both Karasuno and Nekoma were bidding their new friends goodbye, all scattered across the parking lot of Karasuno. (Y/n) paced around awkwardly, looking for Kuroo’s familiar mop of black, messy hair. He was nervous, to say the least. Very nervous.

“Ne, Kenma,” (Y/n) placed a sweaty palm on Kenmas handheld game, pushing it down lightly and forcing him to look up.

“Mm.”

“Have...have you seen Tetsurou? I need to give him something.”

Kenma hummed in acknowledgment, and nudged his head to the side. Sure enough, Kuroo was there, off in the distance and talking to someone he couldn’t make out. His back was facing towards them, and his hand was on his hip. (Y/n’s) heart pounded even more.

“Th..an..k...y-you...” (Y/n) gave a lopsided, very stressed out smile, and limped his way over to Kuroo. Kenmas eyes were drawn to the extremely obvious love-letter being wrinkled by (Y/n’s) sweaty hands. He pursed his lips.

He then looked up to the petite girl chatting with Kuroo. It wasn’t visible in (Y/n’s) line of sight, but it was to Kenma. He almost felt kind of bad.

(Y/n) stopped dead behind Kuroo, his eyes fixated on the ground as he ran through his memorized confession for the millionth time that day. He tapped on his shoulder, keeping the letter flush against his back with his other hand.

Kuroo turned around, and that was when his eyes landed on the brown-haired girl wearing an obviously oversized Nekoma jacket. From context of the scene, (Y/n) supposed it was Kuroo’s. He gripped the letter tighter.

The girl walked forward and extended her hand out. Her bubbly aura practically suffocated (Y/n). “Hi! You must be ‘(Y/n)’. Tetsu was just talking about you! You two are like—buddy buddies right?”

‘Tetsu.’ That was (Y/n’s) nickname for him. Only he got to call him ‘Tetsu’...and who gave her the right to call him by his first name?

(Y/n) glanced at Kuroo. Kuroo shoved his hands into his pocket and grinned. It wasn’t his usual shit-eater smirk, rather a genuine, lovesick dopey smile. A smile (Y/n’s) never seen before, not directed at him at least. It was a sight he wanted to burn into his mind, but at the same time, he wanted to slap that smile right off his face.

“(Y/n), this is Yumi-chan. She’s our new manager.”

Kuroo stepped behind Yumimite, and draped his arms around her dainty shoulders.

“She’s also my new girlfriend~”

“Oh-hush it, you!” Yumimite turned around and berated Kuroo with small punches, earning a playful chuckled from the Kuroo. (Y/n’s) grip on the wrinkled letter loosened.

“...ahaha! Congrats..! When...when did you two get together?” If (Y/n) was good at anything, he was good at pretending to be interested in something. Maybe he should’ve joined the drama club instead of the volleyball club.

“Mm. We got together just last week. She gave me a love letter.” Kuroo patted the girl on her head, ruffling her neat brown hair and making her blush red. It looked like it felt nice. He wondered how it would feel to have Kuroo’s undivided attention, to be pat on the head like a blushing schoolgirl. To be a small, pretty girl next to Kuroo, to have the ability to call him ‘his’. All his nervousness simmered away, replaced by a strange ache of numb.

“Well, that’s awesome dude! Honestly, I don’t know how you managed to snag a girlfriend before me...” (Y/n) slouched dramatically, quickly hooking the letter in the waistband of his volleyball shorts and tugging his shirt over it. “Especially such a cutie like her! I’m (L/n), by the way...”

Kuroo chuckled, slinging an arm around Yumimite. “Don’t go flirting with my girl now. You have plenty of girls practically throwing their panties at you.”

‘Yeah...but I’m gay, Tetsurou. For you no doubt! I-I love you-!’

(Y/n) almost wanted to yell that out. And he almost did. But he chose instead to keep silent and laugh in response.

(Y/n) bowed slightly. “Anyway, it was nice meeting you. I just wanted to say hi to Tets-uh, Kuroo...”

Kuroo tilted his head at the use of his last name, but brushed it off when Yumi hooked her arm in his. The couple bid their goodbyes, as they turned around and walked off. (Y/n) followed suite, turning around robotically and marching off.

Once he was a good enough distance away, he stopped behind a trash can and fished the letter out from his sweaty back.

He watched as the big pink words ‘To Tetsu’ bled and distort with every falling teardrop rolling down his cheeks. The water expanded and smudged the ink lighter and lighter until the words were practically indecipherable. You couldn’t tell it was a love letter anymore. Especially because (Y/n) ripped and trashed it up til it was a pile of pink and white paper shreds.

He tossed the stray flakes of soggy paper into the trash bin, watching as it fluttered and twirled tauntingly down the trash can. He quietly scrubbed at his red hot face, probably soaking his shirt with his salty tears. He rested his hands on the edges of the bin.

“Okay...” (Y/n) stretched up, spitting onto the concrete. “I...wonder...if my favorite ramen place is open...”

Strangely he didn’t feel devastated, or heartbroken at all. He just felt sort of numb. He didn’t feel the need to blast heartbreak music and cry out on his bed for hours on end. In fact, he was glad. Albeit a bit raw, and maybe a bit tired, but glad.

He got closure for the confusing feelings bubbling down his throat ever since he’d met Kuroo Tetsurou. He got his answer, and even if it wasn’t the preferred one, it was something.

The recovery process was easier than most people would think. It only took a couple long days to get him back to his prime condition. It was a given, since (Y/n) had so much other things to be worrying about. Midterms, volleyball practice, his friends. It’s a given that he would move on the things that was no longer on his priority list.

And Kuroo Tetsurou was no exception.

——

It was kind of pathetic to see such a high strung man like Kuroo so shaky and nervous. Though, he felt the same way three months ago, spending the whole golden week perfecting a letter he never got to read. What a hypocrite he was.

(Y/n) cleared his throat. “So...what did you wanna say?”

“I-just,” Kuroo swallowed thickly. “Ah-I...give me a second...”

“Okay, take you time, Kuroo~” he stood back up to his full height, and leaned on the rail across from him. It was obvious they weren’t gonna get anywhere. “So...hows ‘Yumi-chan’ doing?”

“Ah. We broke up. She’s gay. She has a girlfriend now.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. Though, good for her for snagging a girlfriend. No offense.” Kuroo mumbled out a ‘none taken.’ (Y/n) continued.

“Was that what you wanted to talk about? Her breaking up with you?”

“No! Actually, I broke up with her first. And it was...it was kinda mutual.” Kuroo sharply inhaled. “But it does have something to do with what I need to tell you.”

How could he be more obvious. (Y/n) forced a smile. It felt mandatory now. “Really? That’s interesting. Do tell.”

‘Please...Please don’t say it.’

“I broke up with her...because I had these...feelings.”

‘Please don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to read it. I don’t want to know it.’

“And you know how she’s gay? Well, I think I am too.”

‘No shit Sherlock. I don’t wanna hear it. You’ve been fiddling around with your hands like a schoolgirl. Stop it, so we can just be friends like we used to be. Don’t make it awkward. Don’t make me hear it. Please.’

“And...well...”

‘Don’t make me look at your crestfallen face when I say no. It’s too much for even me to handle. I don’t want to see that.’

(Y/n) knitted his eyes shut. A fierce shudder threatened to rattle him and cover Kuroo’s mouth, but he kept still, as difficult as it was. He braced for impact.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

There it was.

(Y/n) pursed his lips and let his smile finally drop. Kuroo looked up from his trained gaze on the ground, only to be met with (Y/n’s) pitiful expression. (Y/n) never saw his face go from hopeful and love struck to devastated and heartbroken so fast.

(Y/n) cleared his throat. He was going to lay him down gently if it was the last thing he did. “...uh.”

He never said it’d be easy, though.

“If it makes you feel better...I did like you once, Tetsurou.” He only used his full first name during important situations, as he switched to using his last name instead of his first a long time ago. A lump grew in Kuroo’s throat.

Kuroo jabbed at his chest exasperatedly. “T-then what’s the problem?! We both-“

“The problem is I don’t love you. Not anymore.” Kuroo fell silent. He was so prepared to do anything it took to win over (Y/n), but after standing in front of him now, it was clear. Watching as he looked down at him with a pitying expression that made his brain go numb. He would get no where if he tried.

“...a-anymore? You liked me before? When!? Why didn’t I know?!” Kuroo grasped fistfuls of his black hair, a cold sweat condensing on his forehead. He was so animatedly desperate it was kind of sad.

“Not too long ago. Though, you kept me waiting since forever. And I thought I could wait forever.” A sorry chuckle emitted from (Y/n’s) lips. “I watched you go though girlfriend after girlfriend, Tetsurou. You even introduced me to Yumimite when I was going to confess to you. How do you think that felt? Even I got tired of waiting.”

“You...you were...” Kuroo had never felt so helpless. (Y/n) shrugged.

“I would give you the love letter I wrote for you that day, but it’s in a trash can somewhere. Ripped to shreds. And I don’t remember the words I wrote. I’m sorry, Tetsurou.” (Y/n) sighed and patted Kuroo on the head.

“You missed your chance...”

Kuroo’s eyes stung, threatening to unleash hell, but he promised himself he wouldn’t cry. No matter what. Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck and stood back up.

“I never stood a chance, did i?” Kuroo chuckled. It was a sad chuckle, one that made (Y/n) want to cry aswell.

“That’s the sad part.” (Y/n) pressed his lips into a fine line, turning it into a smile conotated with pity.

“You did once.”

——————

Go sit there and stare at the wall in silence as you feel bad for Kuroo getting rejected by you. Go on, stare. Maybe then I’ll consider a part 2 (and if people comment or reblog asking for a part 2, hee hee.)

[deepdonutkid]

Put your head on my shoulder

Requested: yes, by @sighonahurricane​

Pair: Tommy Shelby x female reader

Request: I'm here to make a request based on a list you just posted. Would you please do a piece with 7 from fluff and 10 from the list just after that, with Tommy Shelby? Something like this below? (Tommy laying his head in her lap?🥺🥺)

7. “Your hair is so soft.”

10. “It’s funny, in that dark terrible way I mean.” “You wouldn’t believe me if I said I was fine, would you?”

Summary: After one dirty and dark night, Tommy comes home to his wife and can’t find sleep. Maybe his wife can help him.

Author’s note:

The story is with a reader, but not written with the you form, because the story focus on Tommy. Also... I have problems writing fluff for him, so this is bittersweet.

English is not my native language and this is not proof read.

Enjoy reading! Tagging: @bonniesgoldengirl​ @justalonelyslytherin​ @retromafia​ (because we already talked about this fic) @theshelbyclan​

Words: 1,4k

Warnings: canon typical violence

It was business as usual for Tommy, but this day felt so much longer than just twenty-four hours. Somehow it was more tiring and more exhausting than his usual work day.

After he had left the office, he couldn’t even go straight home. No, instead he had more work to do, but not of the legal kind. The shady side of his business needed his undivided attention and this time he couldn’t outsource it. Tommy had to do it himself. It was the ugly part of his activities.

But he was used to it, as far as anybody could get used to that kind of work. He had done it many times before on his way to the top and now he had something like a routine with it. After all murder was just a business, a very cold and lonely one, but it was part of the reason why he became so successful.

His driveway to his mansion, symbol of his new status, was paved with blood and bones of enemies and friends. Sometimes the death was a collateral damage, like it was with Danny, but today it was the calculated outcome of his plans.

He already ruled half of England, but nevertheless he had to demonstrate his powers once again. Nobody could forget about it or question his position on the throne.

It was a bloody type of work and Tommy hated every minute of it. Besides the psychological damage, murdering someone was also very draining, as well as digging the shallow grave for that poor fella, who had crossed paths with the almighty Tommy Shelby.

A sign of relief left his lips, when he was finally done. He put the shovel in his car and cleaned up his face with his handkerchief. Somewhere along the process the pale skin of his sunken cheeks got stained with blood and dirt. He didn’t care about it anymore. The smell was omnipresent in his life and he couldn’t escape it. However, he was concerned about his wife, who was probably still waiting for him. The last thing Tommy wanted was to upset her. On top of that, he couldn’t stand when she asked him which blood it was. It was rarely his, but of course she would be worried about him anyway.

All on his own he drove through the dark, making his way home. His body was tired, when he climbed the stairs to the Arrow House, but his mind was still wide awake from all the things he did that day. Most present in his thoughts was the murder. The scene kept playing in his head over and over again.

Tommy forced a small smile on his lips, when he entered his bedroom and found his wife. “Why are you still awake?”, he asked: “You know, you don’t have to wait for me.” It was platitude, yes, but he said it anyway. Usually he wasn’t the type of person, who would say such a thing. Still he said it every time after he came home late at night, after a certain kind of work… It was part of his ritual.

“And hello to you too, Thomas”, she scolded him: “Also… you know very well, I can only sleep when you’re right by my side. Safe and sound.”  She turned out of bed and walked the few steps to greet him with a kiss. Nevertheless she was still very caring, even though he didn’t deserve it most of the time.

Of course, he tried to be a good husband for her. He started to undress himself and when he was just in his boxer shorts, he presented her his woundless body. “See? Safe and sound”, he grunted: “Now let’s go to bed again.”

She took his hand and pulled him to their marital bed. Her voice was as soft as her silken nightdress when she whispered: “Only if you come with me, love.”

Her husband sighed, but followed her lead and got between the blanks.

Just like usual he was the big spoon and she was the little spoon. He kissed the back of her head and inhaled the scent of her hair.

But even though he stuck to his routine, he couldn’t find sleep. Most of these days, he was so tired, the sleep caught him, before his thought of guilt did. And after all this time and all the bad things he did, there was still plenty of guilt left. Actually it was piling up, like a mountain of his sins.

Today the demons in his head were stronger than the desperate desire of sleep from his body. He laid there for a while, before he realized, he was still too mentally involved with all his scandalous deed.

What Tommy now needed, was distraction. So he approached his wife. “Y/N?” Maybe she was still awake like him. His voice was throaty, but also incredibly needy.  In the daylight and most of the time the Shelby acted like he didn’t need anyone, but in the comfort of his bed he was ready to show his vulnerable side.

A little sleepy and so quiet, he almost didn’t hear it, she said under her breath: “Yes, dear?”

“I can’t sleep”, he confessed and gave her hand a squeeze.  

She turned around to look him in his ocean eyes. The wheels in her head were turning, he could sense it and after a while she suggested: “Okay, how about you put your head on my lap and tell me about your day.”

The worried were visible in his face. There was no point in lying about it, “You wouldn’t believe me if I said I was fine, would you?”, Tommy asked and she shook her head silently. She was the only person who understood him even without words. Sometimes he didn’t need to say anything, she just sensed, when something was wrong.

But today he needed to make that clear. “I don’t want to talk about my day”, he objected and put his hand on her cheek. His thumb caressed her soft skin oh so gentle. The shire thought about his day made him grumpy. Plus, it was also the cause of his current problem.

With an intense gaze in her eyes she stared at him and then poked his nose with her index finger. “I’ll tell you about mine.”

Then she sat upright and leaned against the headboard. Demanding she patted her lap as a sign he should come over and rest his head on her warm thighs.

Again he did just like she ordered. Tommy had left his dominance at the doorstep. Now he wasn’t the dangerous and evil gangster boss, but just a simple, yet tired man.

There was something spiritual about the way she ran her fingers through his hair. She had just started, but Tommy already felt way calmer, than before.

“The kids were hilarious today. You should have seen them. Charlie asked if horses could smoke like humans did”, she explained: “And Rosa ate her first biscuit today. She had wet crumbs all over her face. It was so adorable.”

He laughed a little, but he was sad at the same time, because he had missed these moments with his children. Tommy really wished he had been there. But what did he do instead? Making business, getting more money, threat and eventually kill people.

Tommy was completely caught up in his thoughts, when his wife mumbled: “Your hair is so soft.” She sounded almost surprised, as if she wanted to know the secret behind his silken smooth hair.

“What?” was all he said in his confusion about the sudden change of subject.

Now she was giggling and shook her head. “I said you’re incredibly soft for a tough gangster boss.”

The Shelby rolled his eyes and grumbled: “Don’t say that” which caused his wife to laugh even harder.

She had to calm down, before throwing in a question: “Why?”

“Because that’s a secret! What would the people think?”, he explained to her and tried to look up, to see her face.

Again she laughed and vowed: “I will keep your secret then… but it’s funny, in that dark terrible way I mean… right here you’re my Tommy, my husband and my everything, but everybody else think you are a horrible person.”

“But you don’t think that, eh?”

His wife clucked her tongue and answered: “I could never.”

[saucy-sapphic]

Peonies and Poems

Wilhemina Venable x Reader

Summary: They say actions speak louder than words, but sometimes the words are so beautiful that even the faintest whisper causes your heart to melt. 

A/N:  I saw this prompt on @otpprompts​ a while back where Person A doesn’t show affection easily, but Person B loves big romantic gestures, and I had just recently watched A Secret Love, so I thought I would combine the two. The poem used within the fic is from A Secret Love. It was called Always - I’ll Remember This Night, beautifully written by Pat Henschel, therefore, all the credit goes her. Extremely huge shoutout to @make--your--life--spectacular​ for proof reading this for me and making the gif, you trully are a doll! 

Word Count: 1,819

Warnings: None

You knew Wilhemina Venable was not one for dramatic gestures or overt displays of affection. In her eyes, the world had been cruel and unrelenting, so she shielded herself from harshness that seemed to surround her. She kept what she loved close to her, afraid that if she let go for a second the world would pry it from her hands. You, however, were far too in love with her to keep quiet. Gestures, great and small, seemed to flow out of you as if you were a river of love that ran right to Wilhemina’s heart. It made her uncomfortable at first, the way you wore your heart on your sleeve and took any opportunity to show her affection. But as the days turned to weeks, and weeks turned into months she looked forward to your grand displays, although never explicitly saying it. At first you thought that you would scare her off with all the hand holding or kisses to her cheek when you were in public, but even though she would roll her eyes the smile that played at her lips told you all that you needed to know.

As Wilhemina opened the door to her office she saw a lush bouquet of flowers sitting at her desk. The various hues of purple and the fragrant scent of fresh flowers causing a toothy grin to emerge. She walked over, set her belongings on her desk, and read the card attached to the bouquet.

Xoxoxo -Y/N

She sat down to relieve the stress in her back and picked up her phone to dial you number.

“Hi, Mina!”, you answer excitedly.

“Someone’s chipper this morning, did you finally drink the coffee I made you”, she teases. “I got the surprise you sent me”, she states.

Even though she seemed calm and collected you could hear the slight excitement in her voice, “do you like them? The peonies are finally in season and I know they’re your favorite, so I had to send you some”, you rambled.

“They’re lovely, my sweet girl, and they smell divine.”

“Not as lovely as you, Mina”, you say bashfully.

The smile playing at Wilhemina’s lips widen and her heart swells, “what time are you coming home tonight, my dear?”

“I’m not sure, Mina. We have back to back meetings today and we’re still trying to finalize the contract with an investor”, you sigh knowing that you have a long day ahead of you. “I might be home a little later than usual tonight, love”, you regrettably reply.

“That’s alright, my dear. I’ll have something waiting for you when you get home”, she replies, hopping to hear the bright tone return in your voice.

“Oh, Mina, you’re too good to me”, you giggle out.

“Nonsense, darling”, Wilhemina teases. “I’ll see you at home, little one”.

After you both hang up Wilhemina lets out a contented sigh, the perfume from the flowers wafting around her. She thinks about all the times you have done something wonderful for her and can’t help but feel inadequate when it comes to showing her love for you. You were always so good at it; it came so naturally to you but being that open and unguarded was difficult for Wilhemina.

As the workday progressed and she got home, the thought of being inadequate kept gnawing at the back of Wilhemina’s mind. As she was setting the plates and placed the food she had carefully crafted onto the table, she heard the front door open. She turned to see you taking off your coat and toeing off your heels. Her eyes dancing across your body, appreciating the way your dress hugged every curve just right. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Wilhemina stop to admire you causing you to melt.

“Hi, honey”, you say as you turn to her fully. Taking in the sight in front of you, your breath hitches, and your heart soars as you see what Wilhemina has done. Your favorite food had been prepared and placed elegantly at the table before you and your eyes spot your favorite bottle of wine resting in a small bucket left to chill. Candles had been lit and placed perfectly throughout the room and jazz music played softly in the background. After absorbing the picture-perfect scene before you, your eyes returned to the woman who was responsible for it all.

“Mina”, you breathed out.

A slight blush played at her cheeks as she observed your state of awe. “Hello, my sweet girl. Go wash up and I’ll finish setting the table”.

As you make your way to the sink you stop by Wilhemina to place a soft kiss on her cheek, causing her to blush further. After you return, Wilhemina pulls your chair and waits for you to sit down before doing so herself.

“Mina, you really didn’t have to do all of this”, you say, still in awe of what was in front of you.

“It was nothing”, she mumbles out as she begins to serve the food.

You place a hand on her arm to stop her, wanting her full attention. “Mina, this is so lovely, thank you”. The smile she flashes at you causes your heart to swell with pride.

The amount of love Wilhemina saw on your face almost made her heart leap right out of chest. “You are more than welcome, my dear.”

Taking the first bite you let out an exaggerated moan, stating “oh my god, Mina, this tastes incredible”, shortly after.

She lets out a giggle that warms your heart. The rest of the dinner is sat in comfortable silence apart from the music playing in the back. As the two of you finish your meal, you turn to gaze at the woman who held your heart, a contented grin dancing across your lips.

“What are you thinking about, little one”, Wilhemina asks happily.

“I was just thinking about how tonight has been divine and how lucky I am to have such an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman like you to pamper me.”

Wilhemina lets out a throaty laugh, causing you to smile even wider. “Oh, my dear girl, I think I should be saying those things to you”, she says while placing her hand softly on your cheek. “You constantly do so much for me and show me how much you love me, I just wanted to try to show you the same”, she confesses.

You turn to place a kiss on her palm and melt further into her touch. Looking back at her loving face you reply, “Mina, you show me every day”.

Wilhemina tilts her head in confusion, “what do you mean, darling? You and I both know I’m hardly one for flamboyant displays.”

You giggle at her comment before stating, “well, you show me every morning when you make me coffee before you leave, the way you give me your undivided attention while I speak, the way you take time to ask about my day; you show me by kissing me good morning and by mumbling sweet nothings in my ear until I fall asleep at night.”

Wilhemina smiles fondly, rubbing her thumb across your cheek. “That’s nothing compared to the flowers you send or the dinners you make me almost every night, my dear.”

“Oh, Mina, they may not seem like much to you, but they mean everything to me”, you say as you lean in to kiss her. As you pull back a thought flashes through your mind, “wait here”.

Wilhemina curiously looks after you as you make your way to your shared bedroom. After a minute or so you comeback with a small shoe box that she has never seen before. You place the box in front of her smiling ear to ear. “Open it”, you whisper.

She looks up at you utterly confused as she sees hundreds of papers folded within the box. “Go on, read one”, you say excitedly has you move to sit in her lap.

As Wilhemina unfolds one of the papers she immediately recognizes her handwriting and gasps quietly. It was a love letter she had written to you when you first started dating. She began to unfold paper after paper, her eyes scanning through every letter, poem, and note that she had written. She looked up at you with tears rimming her eyes. “You kept them”, she asked, her voice emotional and barely above a whisper.

“All of them”, you beam back at her before kissing her temple. You pepper her face with soft kisses, journeying to place a delicate kiss on her lips. She moves her free hand to caress your neck as she deepens the kiss, while the other hand continues to hold the letters. You both pull away breathless and smiling.

“See, you do show me. The ways you show me are more precious than any flower and are far more romantic than any grand gesture”, you say as you go to stand and clear the table smiling.

Once the tabled had been cleared and the two of you had gotten ready for bed, you pull the covers back for you and Wilhemina to climb into. She sits with her back to the headboard and you lay cuddled into her side. “Mina, will you read to me? Please?”, you yawn out.

“Of course, my sweet one”, she says as she opens the book on her nightstand. As she gets halfway through the page she feels you kiss her hip, moving closer to her and draping your arm across her thighs. By the time she finishes the second page you are fast asleep, your breathing deep and even. Wilhemina sets her book back on top of the nightstand and opens the drawer. She pulls out and unfolds an old, warn out piece of paper. Holding the paper in one hand and stroking your hair gently with the other, she fondly looks at your sleeping form. “I wrote this the night we first met, my love. But I was too afraid to give it to you then”, she whispers.

Turning to look at the paper she reads,

“It might have been just one more walk

Beneath a moonlit hue.

But darling, it meant everything

Because I walked with you.

 It might have been just one more night

A single night of seven.

My darling, you were there with me

‘Twas one more night of heaven.”

Wilhemina paused feeling you stir, turning she laid the piece of paper gently back in the drawer. Scooting down so your faces were leveled, she placed the softest kiss on your lips before whispering,

“On we sauntered seldom speaking

As we passed through moonlight lane.

Happiness welled there inside me

When you smiled and called my name.

 Hours fled like winged moments

Hand in hand we walked alone.

‘Twas one night I shall remember,

One more night to call my own.”

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry XXI. Si te vas

BLUE’S POV

The three of them were in my bed when I woke up. Marie and Ollie were under the duvet with me but Jason was on my other side like a kitten sleeping with their human. I don’t remember picking them both up but we must have had or maybe they came here on their own. Whatever the way, I couldn’t ask for better friends.

There’s no new messages in my phone so I text Coco to know her whereabouts and lie awake waiting for them to wake up. The fact that the three of them are here, like walls supporting the ceiling, makes it clear that what happened last night wasn’t a bad dream.

Harry was high. He was so high he couldn’t even talk to me. I remember the way he acted now and God, it was so clear I feel stupid for not realizing it sooner. His bloodshot eyes, his calmness, the way he got mad in a second and then back to the calm, the way he seemed to be disconnected to everything that was happening, how he seemed not to care at all.

I wonder what he thinks about me now. I wonder whether he cares at all. Somehow, I still don’t want him to think I’m being judgemental even though maybe I am. I’ve had this discussion plenty of times with plenty of Med students- about weed, yes or no, is it bad or is it less bad than they say?- For no one with biological knowledge dares to say it’s good. Fruit is good, walking is good- weed is not.

And yet it’s probably less harmful than it feels to me but it’s just… Last night I learnt he was the one driving and with that, the entire accident and the months that followed came back; and if that wasn’t enough he was high, just like Dylan was; and I wonder why Harry’s here and Dylan isn’t, why some people get another chance- and still smoke weed- and why some others just can’t live to change it.

I’ve never really believed in destiny. I don’t think our lives are written and we’re just players in a big board, thinking we’re free and taking decisions that were already going to happen anyway but sometimes, I do believe that there might just be this person, this person in the world that’s for you, the one who’s going to walk by your side for the rest of your life. I used to think that feeling of belonging with someone didn’t happen twice so I always thought I had it with Dylan and I will never have it with anyone else and somehow I liked that and I lived by that. But then I met Harry and for a second I thought I might have been wrong all this time and now the fact that his story could be superimposed to Dylan’s and it would connect... I feel like if this was a sci-fic movie and we have these parallel worlds and these alternative universes, Harry might as well be Dylan, in another body and with another face and another scent and that’s what I don’t want.

I loved Dylan. I loved him as much as a person can love another human being and I don’t think there’s ever been purer love but he also broke my heart to the point where I thought I was dying too. And he did because he changed and then because he died so I lost him twice all along and I just can’t go through that again.

“Morning, pixie.” Marie gives me a sleepy smile that I return. “How did you sleep?”

“Surprisingly good. I don’t remember getting here but I haven’t woken up until just now.”

“It makes sense that you were tired considering how drunk you were last night.” Jason’s voice is muffled against the duvet but I can still hear him.

I hit the back of his head with a pillow and he grunts.

“I don’t think you can call her out on that, pal.” Marie defends me.

“It wasn’t that bad.” Jason complains.

“Until you stood up on that table and take off your shirt and started yelling titties out, free the gay!��you mean.” Ollie adds.

Marie and I laugh at the look Jason gives her. His eyes are widened, and his lips are set on a thin line. Before he can ask her whether that’s true, which I hope it is for the sake of humour, someone knocks on the door.

“Pasa.” I tell her. “But please be clothed. We have guests.”

Coco is grinning from ear to ear when she appears on the doorway.

“Oh, hi!” She chirps excitedly. “You guys slept like that?”

We all nod and she laughs. Olivia sits up and pushes Marie to do the same so my sister has a spot next to them. She’s wearing party clothes, which gives away that she didn’t spend the night home.

“So” Olivia wriggles her dark blond eyebrows “Guido Matteoti, hey?”

My sister smiles despite pursed lips and that’s all I need to know Chicco is history. Yes, Guido! I sit up too and Jason rests his cheek on his fist so Coco knows she has our undivided attention. Her cheeks tinge pink.

“He’s very sweet.” She starts. “I mean we’ve only been in a couple of dates but-”

“But you didn’t sleep home last night.” I raise my eyebrows and she shakes her head with a smile.

“And nothing happened.” She adds. “We just cuddled.”

The four of us look at her and from the corner of my eye I can see Marie melting while Olivia’s face seems like a puzzle missing a piece and Jason just blinks.

“He’s… I’ve never had this, you know? It’s like I tell him something mindlessly… Like something that isn’t really even important and he remembers it.” She smiles. “I mean last night he said something about Nana’s cameo and he had to tell me when I have told him about it because even me myself couldn’t remember.” She surprises. “And… He is interested in what I think and what I want and… I mean some guys have made me feel pretty, but he makes me feel interesting and that’s just so much better.”

“See?” Marie tilts her neck to give me a look and I smile. “It’s possible.”

“Do you like him though?” Olivia presses. “I mean him, as a person, not the way he makes you feel.”

Coco stares at her like a deer caught in headlights before she tilts her neck like a dog thinking. I’m taken aback too by Ollie’s deep understanding of the situation. She’s been so disassociated with the love department that it feels strange to have her understanding this so deeply.

“Yes, I do.” Coco blushes. “He’s smart and funny and caring and kind. And so handsome.” Her eyes open wide and Olivia laughs.

“Can we see him?”

“Yeah, show us the regulation photo, girl.” Jason adds.

My sister chuckles before she gets on her phone and shows us his Instagram. I have seen him before so I let my friends be as nosy as they want. Coco’s eyes meet mine and she frowns concerned.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

And like that I’m crying again. My sister jumps over my friends and takes a seat next to me, wrapping her small arms around my body and reminding me of home. Marie tells her what happened and Ollie and Jason curse under their breath. They did that last night too, I remember now.

“I’m good, I’m good.” I wipe my tears and sit back straight. “I’ll get over it.”

Coco sighs next to me and Jason gives me a smile.

“Unpopular opinion” Olivia says “I think we’re being too hard on him.”

Us three give her a death glare and she raises her hands on the air proving her innocence.

“Let’s go get started with breakfast, Ollie.” Coco says before war starts on my mattress.

“Yes, I need to tell you some things too.”

“Me too.” Jason smiles. “Spoiler alert: David is a dick.”

“Tell me something I don’t know…”

The three of them walk outside the room and we hear the beginning of the conversation with Jack’s name being thrown around among very colourful insults.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” I ask Marie.

“I’m visiting my mum.” She shrugs. “And her new boyfriend.”

“Nice.” I chuckle.

“You?”

“I think I’m gonna go spend some days with my dad. I need to get away from here.”

“And your mum?”

“Mum’ll go to Spain, I guess. It’s been a while since I don’t visit Dad.” I feel Marie nodding next to me. “I’m gonna hop on the shower.”

“Okay.”

“You can shower in Coco’s bathroom if you’d like.”

“Do I stink or what?” Marie laughs.

I give her a silent smile and make my way inside my bathroom. I don’t have much time because Coco, Ollie and Jason are not precisely the best chefs so I’m sure by getting started with breakfast they mean adding milk to cereal.

I let the hot water run down my body relaxing every muscle I hadn’t realized was tensed. Thinking about going back home is never been as easy as it is now. It’s always painful to go back to Capitol because it screams Dylan all over the place but it’s been a while since I don’t see Dad or Rio and I’m in the mood for a family Christmas.

When I make my way towards the kitchen, I hear them all talking about Harry and me but it doesn’t bother me because it doesn’t surprise me. I know they’re on my side anyway, even Ollie.

I announce my plans to everyone during brekafast and Coco and Jason decide to tag along  to Capitol for Christmas too. Coco was the expected guest but I’m glad Jason wants to join too. It’ll be good to have a friend around when I start missing Dylan like the first day after his accident. Jason says he needs a change of scene and to stay away from David and I’d rather have him with me than getting back together with the devil.

We pack our stuff after breakfast and plan a videocall all together in a few days before Marie and Ollie leave to pack their own things. Olivia’s going to France to meet up with her family too but she seems to be very invested in my relationship with Harry or my lack of it.

Coco drives to Capitol, all the way without stopping once, and I feel safe when she’s behind the wheel. I’ve never understood how men can say women are bad drivers when women seem to be better at everything. Okay, that’s sexist too, but the fact that we’re asked to do double to earn the same amount explains why that could be true.

It's the first time Jason comes to Capitol despite our four years of friendship. When Dylan was alive, it was usually him go would come visit and during holidays J was usually with his family so I would go to Capitol alone. I hope the idea he has of me doesn’t change when he sees my house. I guess it won’t, because I know his parents have an equally big mansion but still…

The dark grey fence opens for my sister’s car after she sets the code and my sister’s Mercedes drives inside our sumptuous property. She drives around the fountain at the entrance and the set of pine trees on both sides of our private road brings back memories of my childhood underneath them.

The house looks more like a palace than I even remembered. I don’t quite know how many hectares of land my father owns but I know the entire house have glass walls looking at the back because there was no need to hide from nothing at all; there’s just a pine forest and snowy mountains behind it. I reckon if Jason was still a kid, I could tell him my dad’s a vampire and he’d probably believe it.

Dad’s waiting at the door with a big smile and his thick winter coat when we get off the car. My sister runs to hug him as Jason and I get the bags out of the boot. Then it’s my turn. My dad wraps his warm, big arms around me and presses my body against his bigger one.

“Oh, my lovely girls! How’s my favourite doctor?”

“Hi, dad, it’s nice to see you.”

“It’s very nice to see you too, Blueberry. I made soup and lamb for dinner.” He smiles.

“Thank you.”

“And garlic bread?” Coco asks. “Can we make garlic bread?”

“Already in the oven.” My dad winks at her and like that my sister is back to being. “Hello, Jason.” My dad shakes his hand. “I’m glad you could join us this year.”

“Thank you for having me, Peter.”

“No need to thank us. It’s our pleasure. Well, why don’t you show Jason around, Berry? Coco and I will get the mulled wine ready.”

“Yes! Mulled wine! This is paradise, dad. Where’s Rio?”

“He’s at the gym.” My dad explains. “Says he needs to make room for the lamb.”

The three of us laugh before my dad and Coco disappear down the hall towards the kitchen and Coco’s cheerful voice gets lower and lower until we can barely hear her. I show Jason around the entire house, the halls, the living room, the dining room, my dad’s studio... 

We climb the stairs. I get ready to open the door to my old room. I take a deep breath and keep telling him some stories about the house, like about that time Coco fell down the stairs when she was about six and everyone was so worried and then she just yelled I’m okay! from the bottom. 

Entering my room, I set my eyes on my empty desk. It looks like the room of someone who’s not there anymore and in a way I guess that’s what it is. This is the room of the girl I used to be but there’s little of her now. 

I remember it used to be a mess. I have lots of books and even now they’re all organized in the shelves like a library now, they used to be all over the room and all my records, now also carefully placed on the shelf, used to be all around too. It gives me chills to see the room like this but I guess it would be harder if it still looked just like it used to. I would notice Dylan’s absence more. 

“Berry, eh?” Jason teases. 

I roll my eyes. My dad always calls me with the most ridiculous nicknames ever. I’m going to defend myself but my breath catches on my throat when I see the bed. I remember every night I spent there with him and I know it would never come back. I storm out of the room. 

Jason’s quiet for the biggest part of the rest of the tour until he leaves his bags on his bed in the guest room. My mum decorated this room with warm colours because she says they help make the guest feel cosy and at home. I guess it depends on the guest for someone whose house was cold colour themed would hardly feel at home in a terra coloured room but if Mum says that’s the way it is, then that must be the way it is. She’s the painter after all. 

“I just have a question” he says “why did you never tell us you’re the princess of Genovia?”

I laugh and sit down on the cushion bench on the feet of his bed.

“I mean, this is the guest room and it’s bigger than the girls’ apartment in Grad.”

“It’s not.” I shake my head. “The living room might be.” I joke and he laughs. “I usually sleep here when I come home though. I was in my room when Dylan had the accident and sometimes it just gets suffocating in there.” I explain.

Jason stays quiet and I enjoy his silence for sometimes there’s little one can say.

We were on the phone. We were fighting. He had come visit me that weekend and it had been the best weekend we had had in months. The last part of our relationship was as messy as it could get; we would fight all the time. I would fight him about the weed and about how he was... Losing himself all the time. And he would tell me I had changed a lot and that everything in my life was perfect except from him and he would invite me to just break up with him and have a doctor boyfriend if I was so disappointed on him. I heard the crash. And then he died.   

“You can come sleep here if that happens.” Jason smiles. “Or we can swap rooms.”

I shake my head. I want to at least try. It’s been almost four years now and as tough as that memory is, I also have memories I treasured with my life. I remember Mum signing to me when I was little, Dad telling stories to Coco and me, Coco climbing in my bed when she was little and had nightmares. And I remember Dylan, I remember him trying to teach me how to play the guitar, me teaching him to braid my hair and I remember kissing him and him telling me he loved me. 

“Have you talked to David?” I need to stop thinking about that. 

“After breaking up with him, you mean?”

I nod and he shakes his head.

“I blocked his number and blocked him on every social media. Also deleted the apps at the risk of him creating a fake profile so as to be able to talk to me. I know it’s crazy but-”

“So is he.” I interrupt him, probably finishing his sentence and he chuckles.

“That’s right.”

I snort a chuckle and look down at my hands over the cushion. I’m sure this week I’m going to be out of it a lot of the times but I think Jason needs some time to himself too so it’s good our two sad asses are here together.

“You okay?”

“Yes.” I nod.

“Have you talked to him?”

My heart stops. For a second, I think he’s talking about someone who’s dead but then I shake my head. I did tell Harry not to contact me again and as strange as it seems knowing him, he might be respecting that. I don’t know if I really want him to though but I know it’s what’s best.

“Should we go downstairs have some of that mulled wine?”

“Yes, please.”

Dad and Coco are sitting in front of the chimney with a glass of mulled wine each when we join them. She’s telling him about Guido now. I feel bad for mum but she can’t keep a secret to save her life so it makes sense she wouldn’t tell her yet.

“Hi, guys.” My dad greets. “Do you like your room, Jason? Are you comfortable?”

“Yes, sir, thank you. It’s incredible.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please, take a seat and help yourself with some wine.”

“Thank you.”

“So how are you, Dad?” I ask. 

“Can’t complain.” He smiles. “Rio’s doing great at the bank and we’re happy and my daughters are home for Christmas. Couldn’t ask for anything else.”

I smile at the sweet man who raised me.

“How are you, Berry?”

“I’m…” Should I tell him? “I’m good.”

He smiles but I know it’s his way of silently saying we both know that’s not true so I smile back and it’s my silent way of letting him know I don’t particularly want to talk about it.

“Have you seen the Meyers?”

My dad’s light hazel eyes set on mine. I know he’s taken aback by my serenity. I think I want to have a cup of tea with Dylan’s parents but it’d be great to have some background before I contact them.

“They passed by the bank in the morning, wished Merry Christmas like usual. Amalia cut her hair. It looks good on her.”

“I think I’m gonna text them. See if they’d like to have a cup of tea.”

“I think they’d love to.” He smiles. “I’m proud of you, Blue.”

I nod and give him a little smile and we all hear the door opening and my brother’s feet shuffling inside the hall. He drops his gym bag on the floor and Jason gets more excited than any of us. He’s got Rio’s fever.

“It smells like women in here.” Rio jokes.

“It smells like mulled wine, dofus.” Coco explains and he grins.

“Long time no see, Coconut.”

“She’s been busy with her boyfriend.”

“DAD!” She panics. “That’s exactly what I meant!”

My dad just laughs and then Rio’s interrogation begins. He asks for pictures, age, family name, degree and every little thing in between and Coco answers but cries for help at least five times.

I help my dad set the table while he finishes up with dinner and then the five of us sit around the table and enjoy dinner among shared stories of Rio’s adventure on the bank and the rumours he’s heard. Harry would like this nosy conversation too. But why am I thinking about him? He’s a junkie and a liar.

My dad tells us a messy love story between two of his associates and Rio adds the juicy comments every now and then. Coco and Jason are really invested but I know my dad is just filling in the conversation so I don’t have to participate. Much like me, he’s never been interested in other people’s business. As a matter of fact, he’s been in charge of the Anderson Bank for over thirty years and has never had trouble with any employee. He only learnt about relationships when he got invited to his employees’ weddings.

I look up to my father. He’s had everything handed to him on a silver platter but he’s able to admit it. He knows half the things he has, he doesn’t even deserve. For years I thought the right thing to do was getting rid of all of that but growing up I learnt, it’s a lot more useful to be a part of the system and make a change from within. 

Harry: Where are you?

I turn my phone upside down and look at my dad, pretending to listen. We usually disagree on pretty much everything but he still talks to me about politics and economy and all that and I like the way he disagrees with me. He gets frustrated because he treats me like an equal.

Where are you? 

My dad used to say I could do anything I wanted. He told my entire family I’d make a great cook when I was about sixteen just because I had taken upon creative cuisine and cupcakes with fondant and heart shapes. 

What does he care where I am? 

And then when I was seventeen, I started playing volleyball and he told everyone I’d be the national champion.

Why does he think it’s okay to text me at dinner time and ask my whereabouts?

And then… Then… Ugh, I can’t get the text out of my head.

“Blue, is everything alright?”

I look up at my brother’s concerned eyes and only then I realize I’ve been torturing the dead lamb on my plate. I clear my throat.

“Yes, I just have a virus or something on my phone.” I give him a tight smile.

“Alright.” He chuckles.

Jason types on his phone and gives me a look so I grab mine to see his text. There are messages from Harry.

Jason: What’s wrong?

Indie: Harry texted me.

Harry: Come on, Blue, it’s me.

Harry: Open the door.

“Who wants dessert?”

“Let it be chocolate coulant, let it be chocolate coulant.” Coco prays with closed eyes.

My dad laughs and makes his way to the kitchen with as many plates as he could get and Jason follows suit helping pick up stuff from the table. Rio hisses for me to look at him.

“Is the virus that guy you were seeing?”

“How do you even know about that?” I narrow my eyes at him threateningly so he would confess nothing but the truth.

“Mum and I talk, you know.” He shrugs.

I roll my eyes but his hand rests atop of mine on the table.

“If you want his legs broken, just say the word.”

“Rio!” I chuckle and he smiles.

“I’m just saying.”

         After dinner, Jason and I sit on the balcony despite the cold. We brought a little mulled wine and got blankets from the wardrobe before we sat down on my favourite part of the house. I have two armchairs and a small table in between on my balcony and the view is magnificent. You can see the mountains behind a huge, now snow-covered, forest of pines.

“Did you text him back?”

I shake my head.

“And do you want to?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want to.” I sigh.

“I think it does.”

I tilt my neck to give him a warning glare.

“Olivia and I have talked.”

“About me?” I frown. “And why do you think I care about that?”

“I agree with her.” He confesses.

I have a long sip of my wine to busy my tongue and not curse at him.

“For all we know, it must have been the first time he smoked weed. I mean, think about it, he was really affected wasn’t he? And he told you several times he didn’t want to talk in that moment. He didn’t want to discuss it with you while he was high, Indie. I think that means he cares.”

“I think that means he was that high he couldn’t even think properly.”

“And yet he was lucid enough to know that was not how he wanted to be when he talked to you about that.”

“Why are you defending him?”

“I’m not defending him. I just think you’re overreacting, which is normal, I mean. We all know why you took it like that but he doesn’t, does he?”

I sigh and look ahead at the mountain.

“I mean… You’re getting mad at him because he didn’t tell you about that but there’s a lot of things you didn’t tell him about, either. Can you get mad at someone for keeping secrets from you while keeping secrets yourself?”

“I don’t do drugs, Jason. It’s not the same.”

Jason sighs.

“Before it happened, you were… Happy. I haven’t seen you that happy since Dylan passed” he whispers that part, afraid to bring upon us the weight of those words “and it’s all on Harry.” He shrugs. “So I think he deserves to at least be listened to. I mean you don’t even know why he was high.”

“Because he smoked weed, Jason, there’s just one explanation.”

“I mean why he smoked.” He chuckles. “Haven’t you thought about that?”

No, I haven’t.

“It was a family reunion, J. You weren’t there but it was cousins and aunts and his mum for the love of God. Who gets high with his family there? It was his older sister’s birthday.”

“That’s right. The same sister who was on the car the night he crushed it. Now, I don’t know why he crushed the car or how the accident was but neither do you and don’t you think it must be hard? Whatever the reason was, to be at your sister’s birthday, someone who’s on a wheelchair somehow because of you?”

My anger drops a knot. Or two.

“You said he doesn’t drink, right?”

I nod.

“And he… He has trouble sleeping.” I add.

He’s tortured about his sister’s accident and now I understand it a lot more. He lied to me that one time too, when he explained to me why he felt so terrible about it. He doesn’t feel guilty because he didn’t help during her recovery. He feels guilty because he thinks it’s his fault and for all I know it might be.

“He should have told me sooner.”

“That’s true.” Jason agrees. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t be mad. You have every right to be. Just… Don’t pretend like you don’t care about him.”

I feel my bottom lip quivering, but this is just Jason. It’s okay to cry in front of Jason.

“I… I don’t want to do it again, J; to think I can fix him because I can’t. I’ve been there before and I don’t want that again. He…”

Warm arms wrap around me so I rest my head on his shoulder.

“He’s not Dylan, Indie. He wasn’t driving that night.”

             I think I fell asleep after that because I wake up on Jason’s bed and see him peacefully sleeping beside me. I’m happy he’s here and I’m happy he’s finally free from fucking David Dick. He didn’t deserve the way he treated him, no one does. I have five missed calls and new texts from Harry. He really isn’t given up, is he? 

Harry: I know you’re with your dad. I’m glad you’re okay and with your family.  

Harry: I’m truly sorry, Indie.

I don’t like it that he calls me Indie. It feels like we’ve gone backwards but then again I guess we have. I don’t answer him because I still need to think. I’m not sure what I want even and I know if I see him or even hear his voice he’ll get in my head and I’ll say yes to anything he has to say because that’s how much of a fool I am.

I think I’ll go to the lake today, show Jason our rope and where we go in the summer. I get up from the bed carefully so as not to wake the Sleeping Beauty and make my way downstairs. Dad’s having a cup of coffee reading his newspaper in the kitchen and the image is so familiar I feel like nothing has ever happened. I wrap my arms around his chest from behind and know he’s smiling.

“Morning, Blue.”

“Morning, Dad. How did you sleep?”

He looks me in the eyes. I frown and suddenly feel the air falling on top of our shoulders. It’s like without saying a word, he set the mood for something terrible. I rest my hand on his shoulder.

“What is it, Dad?”

“I don’t want to scare you” and that’s how you scare someone “but… I’ve been feeling a little weird these past few weeks. I’ve been more tired than usual, more… Anxious, I guess I’d say and my chest started hurting just after walking to the bank every day so I went to the doctor and they did this bunch of tests, you know and it was all good except from an X-ray from my chest.”

“What is it?”

“They found a nodule next to my heart.” He swallows. “Now they don’t know yet whether it is on the lungs or the heart or the aorta or even the thyroid so they have to do some more tests but… They said it could be a tumour, Berry.”

His words are a direct punch in the guts but I know what he needs right now is not me crumbling so I do what I can to give him a smile.

“Well, it could just be. There’s a hundred other things that could be and even if it was a tumour, it might be a benign one and even if it was bad, the diagnose might be in time to fix it if they didn’t treat it like something urgent.”

“Thank you.” My dad smiles. “I know how hard it is for you not to say what your doctor’s mind is thinking.”

“This is my doctor’s mind speaking actually.” I tell him. “My daughter’s mind is running wild but doctor Anderson is calming Blue down.”

He smiles again and gets up from his chair and starts making French toasts for everyone. He shows me the x-ray and I pretend I don’t get scared shitless when I see it. The lump is as big as a peach and is right next to his heart. Now I don’t know what that is but it can’t be good.

Harry: Indie, I’m trying to give you space but I suck at this and I think the more space I give you, the harder it’s gonna be for you to listen to me.

Harry: I miss you.

Harry: And I’m very sorry.

“Who’s that?” My dad smirks. “Is that your boyfriend?”

How can he even care about it after what he just told me? His nosiness surprises me so I just stare at him as if the devil had possesed him. 

“Yeah, Blue, is that your boyfriend?” Jason smirks too.

I give him a death glare.

“Good morning, Jason.” My dad tells him.

“Good morning, Peter. So, what is it? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Don’t make dumb questions, Jason.”

“There are no dumb questions, honey.” My dad teases.

“Just dumb people, I guess.”

Jason just laughs and starts setting the table for breakfast as if he has been here before.

“Are you mad at a boy, honey?” My dad presses.

“If it was just at the boy, Peter, it wouldn’t be so bad.” I death glare at Jason again but it seems like he wants war today. “She’s mad at the world. She always is.”

“What was that?” I frown.

“Nothing.” Jason shrugs and gets the empty plates on the table. “I just want you to talk to him, I’m sure you’ll feel better.”

“So there is a he! I knew it.”

“Dad, stop.”

My phone screen illuminates and both Jason and I see Harry’s name. I defy him with my glare but he shakes his head. He’s not Ollie. Olivia would have picked up.

“He doesn’t give up.” My dad adds.

I can’t believe him. I grab my phone keen to set an end to this.

Indie: I’m with my family. I’ll talk to you if I want to.

Harry: Please want to.

Harry: Thank you for answering.

Oh, no, he’s going to act all kind and innocent now. I hate it. He’s not like this. He’s smug and irritating, he isn’t sweet and delicate.

After breakfast, Jason agrees to go for a run with Rio. I almost go along because Jason never runs, he just said he did to impress Rio, so I bet that has to be funny but I have something else in mind. 

Coco and Dad stay home to set the Christmas tree and I go to the lake with an old copy of To Kill a Mockingbird and my laptop. I re-read the book I’ve read at least five times and promise to myself I won’t google my dad’s x-ray, I know that’s probably the silliest thing to do but...  I send an email to professor Gibbins. I trust him and would like to know what he thinks. A second opinion is a thing. 

He sends me his phone number and tells me to call him and that scares me to death.

“Hello, Indigo.”

“Hi, doctor Gibbins.”

“Call me Danny, dude.” He laughs.

I swallow but appreciate the easing. I wonder if he’s using one of the techniques we learn in Comunication with me but don’t waste more time before I tell him what my dad told me in the morning. He sighs.

“Well, I’m seeing the radiography as we speak and I mean it could be anything.”

“Yeah but it doesn’t look good, does it?”

“He needs a surgery.”

Harry’s voice freezes my blood. I wasn’t expecting to hear his accent so soon, much less to say that. 

“Am I on speaker mode?”

“Mmm… Yes, I’m sorry. I’m at work and Harry was here. I thought two doctors were better than one.”

He’s probably right. Plus, Harry is the smartest person I know and I’m actually glad he asked him because as mad as I am at him I would love to know his opinion on this. He’s brilliant. I have no doubt of that. 

“Does he have high blood pressure, Indie?” Harry asks me.

“Yes.” I frown. 

“And did he feel a pain in the chest recently?”

“Yes!” 

There he is playing his magic. 

“I think it’s an aortic dissection. Look at it, it’s an A type.”

That last part wasn’t for me but for Danny. Why is he so smart? Why does everything he says seem so interesting and impossibly right to me? And why does he always make me feel safer and better? Why can’t he be normal, just like any other guy? And why did he have to ruin everything like that?

“If you need anything else, I can help you too.” Harry says very softly, as if he was afraid I was going to hang up.

“I know, and still I called Danny, didn’t I?” I sigh. “What do you think, Danny?”

“I think he’s right.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

I hang up without saying goodbye and hold my tears in before opening my book again. 

"First of all," he said, "if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view ... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 14: Eye of the Needle

Here are my time-stamped thoughts. (NOTE: This was written before 1x19 aired)

SPOILERS AHEAD

0:45 - This whole scene is a little weird and a lot upsetting. Why are they talking in common room instead of inside Martin’s cell like usual? Martin looks disgustingly happy and Malcolm looks almost relaxed? The way that they casually discuss murder is upsetting. The ease with which they can both think of ways to kill each other at that moment is upsetting. I hate that Martin pretends he’s a Good Dad who could never hurt Malcolm even though he’s ecstatic at the idea of committing another murder. It breaks my heart that you can see how desperately Malcolm wants to believe Martin would never hurt him and how ashamed and scared Malcolm is when he can easily think of ways to kill Martin. It’s deeply upsetting to watch Martin realize that Malcolm is lying to him. He’s almost proud but also scared at the thought that his son can think of ways to kill him. Also - college!Malcolm is adorable in that shirt but that hair part is still not okay. 

2:30 - This is sweet. Finally. Jessica focusing on Ainsley. Look at how happy Ainsley is to be getting her Mom and brother’s undivided attention and pride. It’s precious. 

2:45 - I love that this implies that Gil and Jessica lost their sh*t on Malcolm after the wedding for skipping his vacation to work. They forced him to go on vacation anyways. I want to see that conversation. I want to see how they finally got Malcolm on a plane. hahaha this is freaking great. AND LOOK HOW MUCH HAPPIER AND CHILL MALCOLM IS RIGHT NOW. <3 That vacation did him good. Fight me. 

2:56 - hahaha Jessica is like “Why the eff did I send you to a tropical resort? You stayed in your room. Alone. Like a hermit. Ugh. I’ve raised a weirdo.” 

3:18 - This is a sweet Jessica/Malcolm moment. You can see how concerned she is about Malcolm and how honest Malcolm is trying to be with her. Even though talking about his father makes that haunted, sad look reenter his eyes. This conversation does have an interesting implication though - I guess no one (*cough* Gil *cough* Malcolm *cough*) told Jessica what happened during the internal affairs interview. You know, when Malcolm admitted that Watkins told him that Martin was going to murder him? 

4:10 - Look at that look Malcolm shoots Jessica when she calls him her “meddling son”. He is mildly amused but he’s also soooo calling her a hypocrite in his head right now. He also looks just a little bit excited that he’s being allowed to come and investigate the girl in the box. This boy missed working.

5:00 - I love this. I love watching Malcolm try to save his mother from some emotional trauma. I love how concerned and just a little scared Malcolm looks. This boy is an A+ son. 

5:38 - hahaha this is great. JT and Gil are so annoyed and concerned that Malcolm’s working again. It’s almost like the team was betting on how long Malcolm’s vacation would last and Dani just won the pot. 

5:44 - Look at the way Gil reaches over and puts his hand on Jessica’s elbow. It’s protective and loving and I’m in love. I’m shipping these two so hard. 

6:00 - hahaha The look that Dani gives Edrisa here. Dani does not have patience for Edrisa’s eccentricities right now. Dani is cold and concerned that a homicide seems to involve the Whitlys - she does not have patience for Edrisa whining about Dani “stealing her thunder.”

6:31- Look at how upset Malcolm becomes when the team starts talking about Martin. He immediately starts spiralling to a bad mental state. He sort of snaps at Dani, which is very uncharacteristic for him. The team sees it too - look at how concerned they are. 

6:45 - hahaha Jessica looks so alarmed at Edrisa’s behaviour toward Malcolm. Another reason to question what’s going on between Gil and Jessica - Gil looks at Jessica and says “You’ll get used to it.” He didn’t need to say that right now but for some reason he felt the need to reassure her and look at how worried Gil is when he looks at Jessica. This man clearly likes her. 

7:30 - Wait. How does ADN already know about the murder at the Carousel? Jessica and Malcolm wouldn’t have called it in. I doubt the police would’ve reported it. I didn’t see any media people at the crime scene. How did the media find out?

8:20 - Damn. Ainsley is in her element her. She’s loving this. I love how she tells them to call Gil. Makes me wonder once again what kind of a relationship they’ve had over the years. 

8:55 - What news station does Ainsley work for? In 1x7 Malcolm refers to New York Direct News. The screen behind Ainsley right now says Direct News Nation. Several times throughout the series, including later this episode, Ainsley’s news network is referred to as American Direct News. So....which is it?

9:34 - “Is this live?” Dang. Every single person in this room is scared and worried right now. I’m living for the whump. 

9:55 - This moment scares me. When Ainsley says “What.” and then stops herself she sounds exactly like Martin when he loses control. I don’t like the parallel.

10:05 - Awww look at Malcolm when he puts his hand on his Mom’s shoulders. He’s so concerned for her. It’s sweet.

10:25 - This scene is amazing. Look at how desperately Gil and Malcolm are trying to comfort Jessica. Look at how scared everyone in the room is. Look at how badly Gil wants to wrap all of his Whitlys in bubblewrap and keep them somewhere safe. He’s done with watching their emotional turmoil. 

10:42 - We got so close to an f-bomb here. Damn it FOX. Although, I will admit listening to Malcolm get indignant at his mother’s swearing is completely brilliant. 

11:00 - Is Martin allowed to do anything he wants...besides leave? Clay time? Consultations? Phone time? TV time? Is he allowed to play internet poker and drink booze too? Like dang. This dude lives better than me. 

11:15 - Again. It’s weird how much Mr. David and Martin seem kind of like friends. They have more than a strictly professional relationship. Makes me wonder how much Mr. David is getting paid - because he looks the other way when Martin does crazy shit very often. 

12:00 - Gil. Is. A. Good. Dad. He sees that the news report is upsetting Malcolm so he mutes it. 

12:41 - Yes. Can we address this? “The chickens are coming home to roost.” WTF? That is crazy person talk. I know what happens in this episode and that line still makes no sense. 

12:50 -  Again. Let’s all admire the progression of JT and Malcolm’s relationship. JT just said “no offence” to Malcolm when discussing his serial killer father’s murder victims. And he meant it. When they first met - JT would not have said that - hell he would’ve probably tried to partially blame Malcolm for the murders. I love this character development. Give JT more screen time. 

13:00 - Do you ever wonder how involved Gil was in the Surgeon case after that first night? He was a beat cop. There were other people investigating the murders. But yet - he interviewed Jessica that night. He knows all about the Surgeon’s victims. Is that because they promoted him to detective and then he took over the Surgeon investigation that night? Or because he learned everything from Malcolm and Jessica? I’m really curious. 

13:50 - This is awesome. I love watching Malcolm be a total big brother. The sibling dynamic is so authentic and I love it. This is a real adult sibling argument. This is exactly what it’s like. 

14:34 - Gil looks pissed. He does not like people messing with his family. JT looks protective. Damn. I love this. 

16:00 - Dang. This Ari guy is great. If only we could all deal with our trauma this maturely. “Leave the past in the past.” 

16:20 - Anxious Malcolm is really cute and Ainsley is not new to his behaviour. Look at her. She knows just what to say to stop him from working himself up with his anxious pacing and racing thoughts. 

16:40 - Malcolm is having none of this. This is an annoyed boy. 

17:05 - Gold star for Dani. This woman is a national treasure. Look at the way she rips into the TV producer. She’s pissed because not only does she think this is morally wrong - she can see how upset it’s making Malcolm. I mean look at him. He looks close to tears. He’s anxious, haunted, and sad. And his hair is falling into his face. You know he’s in a bad mental state when his hair starts falling on his face.

17:36 - OMG. Mr. David is so done with Martin’s drama. 

18:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is on Ainsley when she calls out Martin for being a narcissist. This boy is mentally falling apart but he still finds it in him to be proud of his baby sister. My heart is so full. 

18:25 - Holy crap. Martin is a very good artist. ALSO the fact that his narcissism is so strong that he is making a bust of himself is just...wow. Yikes. 

19:10 - Sooooo did Martin orchestrate this whole thing? He totally knows what’s going on here. He cut off Ainsley before she had a chance to ask him. PLUS last episode he hinted that Malcolm would kill him. Is he really orchestrating all of this? Like he did in 1x7? Is that why Mr. David looks so done? Does Mr. David know about it? Did Mr. David help Martin? Is that why Mr. David turns a blind eye to so much of the crazy stuff that goes on inside Martin’s cell?!? IS MR. DAVID A BAD GUY?!? IS HE BEING COERCED? OR IS ENDICOTT orchestrating all of this WITH Martin? Or is Martin a pawn in Endicott’s game?!? OMG. This conspiracy spiralled real fast.....also I’m writing this on April 19th so episode 19 hasn’t come out yet. 

20:19 - Damn. Every member of the Whitly family (including Martin) hides their fear with humour. I love it because it’s amusing but also....not super healthy guys. 

20:55 - Again. I don’t like it when Ainsley gets angry. She resembles Martin way too much for comfort. It scares me. 

21:55 - You know, Malcolm and Jessica are really similar sometimes. Look at the way Jessica is desperate to help this case. She gets the same haunted, desperate look in her eyes as Malcolm does when he’s working a case. 

22:46 - I don’t like this. I don’t like this. I don’t like this. Jessica don’t do this. Listen to Malcolm and Gil. Go home. 

23:45 - Poor Jessica looks freaking terrified. She’s a good person. She’s not perfect but her reaction to this case really confirms that she had no idea about Martin. She wouldn’t have stood for it. 

24:45 - Gil to the rescue! <3 Seriously though, this is great. Gil is so concerned about Jessica. They both look scared when they see the body. This case is getting to the both of them. AND check out how they’re interacting. Gil’s arm around Jessica’s shoulders. Jessica putting her head on his shoulder. Ugh. It’s so cute. I ship them....but I will admit. I find it interesting that every time Jessica and Gil have an intimate moment the writers make a point to show us the wedding ring on Gil’s hand that same episode. In this one it happens at about 25:00. 

25:53 - Gil’s little speech here is really sweet. You can see how much he loves these two self-deprecating idiots. He’s rarely that sincere and soft. Look at Malcolm’s eyes though. On one hand he looks concerned about his Mom. On the other hand, he looks embarrassed and a little sad. Is it because he feels like he lets Gil down when he goes rogue on Gil? Or is it because Gil just called him a Whitly? Is Malcolm still technically a Whitly? I mean legally? Did he legally change his name? 

26:20 - So Gil still hasn’t fixed his Le Mans. I kind of love that. I’m sure Malcolm (and Jessica when she found out) tried to pay for the car because they felt guilty about Malcolm breaking it. Gil’s too proud to take their money. Plus - he would rather that Le Mans die than Malcolm. Taking the money would send the wrong message to Malcolm’s fragile sense of self-worth. 

27:00 - Determined Malcolm walking off is attractive. 

27:24 - ...so is Adolpho in on this too? Or did someone break into the car and put Jessica’s purse there?

27:50 - Update: Adolpho is not a part of this craziness. BUT I would like to know more about Adolpho. All of the Whitly employees actually. Why do they work for the family of a serial killer? How much are they getting paid? How long have they worked there? Did they watch Ainsley and Malcolm grow up? 

29:00 - Wishing someone were dead and wanting to murder them are very different. Jessica does not want to kill Martin. She just wants him to leave her babies alone. 

29:23 - sooo anyone else want to know how Martin found out that Malcolm was on vacation? Just me? Ok. 

29:50 - I love how much of a determined badass Malcolm is with Martin right now. Malcolm is pissed and scared and he is not taking any of Martin’s shit right now. 

30:40 - Holy hell. When Jessica walks in Malcolm turns as white as a sheet. Our boy is riding a very extreme emotional rollercoaster right now.

30:50 - Anyone else pissed that Martin calls Jessica “Jessie”? I feel like he’s doing it deliberately to piss her off. I know it’s different on a person by person basis - but my first name is Jessica and I hate it when people call me Jessie unless you are a) my mother or b) my brother. It’s the most intimate of nicknames for Jessica and only really special people in my life get to use it. I don’t give a rats ass if you call me Jess but don’t you dare call me Jessie unless you’re one of my top 5 people on the planet. Somehow I like to think that Jessica Whitly feels the same way as me about being called Jessie. 

31:00 - This whole scene inside the prison cell is a thing of beauty. Look at how scared Malcolm is when Jessica comes in. His voice is wavering, his eyes are wide, and he looks just a little confused. Jessica looks positively determined and fierce but it’s also clear that she’s hiding her fear. Martin is just enjoying the company - as usual - and acting like a giant jerk. 

31:33 - I love the way that Malcolm tells Martin to shut up. You can tell that Malcolm is scared. He’s in profiler mode and he’s worried about his mom. He doesn’t have the patience to deal with Martin’s wiseass remarks. It’s great. 

32:10 - The moment Malcolm realizes that his Mother came to Claremont to kill his father is haunting. He doesn’t look judgmental or angry. Just scared - for her, not Martin. Jessica looks scared too. AND MARTIN - he looks surprised? Is he faking it? Because I’m still standing on the “Martin knew this was going to happen because he was involved in planning it” hill. Check out the look that Martin gives Mr. David in the hallway. Is Mr. David in on this too? Is that why Mr. David is standing further away from the cell than usual? Is that why Mr. David is awkwardly looking at his feet instead of looking forward like usual? 

32:48 - aaannnnd now Martin is egging Jessica on. Yes. He’s definitely in on this. 

34:28 - Is that how Martin got to keep his medical license? He technically never killed a patient on purpose? 

35:00 - I’m loving this side of Malcolm that’s just giving his father all of the attitude. He’s so determined to protect Jessica that he doesn’t bother trying to play his father’s games. He’s just spitting truth bombs and staring at Martin in disgust. I love this. 

 35:05 - I love Jessica’s reaction to Malcolm’s accusation of Martin. I also love that you can see Mr. David look into the room as it happens. He knows something bad is happening in there. He can probably hear the conversation? Those walls can’t be sound proof and we’ve got some angry, loud voices. 

35:45 - This is Martin fulfilling his own prophesy. He doesn’t look sorry that he tried to kill Malcolm (or so he says? who even knows what’s happening anymore?!?) He looks like a dude signing off on his own death. Last episode he said Malcolm would kill him. He looks mildly alarmed when Jessica comes in with the stake. Maybe that part of this craziness hasn’t gone as planned. So, Martin says exactly what he knows will make Malcolm angry enough to take the stake and stab him as opposed to escorting his Mother out of the cell and leaving Martin unharmed. 

36:05 - Jessica’s quiet, angry exclamation about her opinion of Martin is wonderful. It really shows you her character. She’s loud, extreme, and angry relatively often but when she’s beyond furious? She goes quiet. That’s almost scarier. 

36:40 - That head snap. Martin has Malcolm conditioned to follow his command - I’m sure of it. What has Martin made Malcolm do? Why did Martin condition him like this? Look at Jessica’s eyes when Martin says “C’mon boy!” - she looks alarmed - she didn’t know Martin ever spoke to her son this way. Further proof that Jessica Whitly is a good person.

37:23 - Look at how quickly the tables have turned. 5 minutes ago Malcolm was talking Jessica out of murdering Martin. Now Jessica is doing the talking to Malcolm. Look at Malcolm’s eyes. They’re angry, resigned, and sad. They’re not scared. This is terrifying to me. Did Malcolm kill someone as a child because Martin told him to? Well. Malcolm’s mental health is in the toilet now. 

37:42 - Oh. NOW Mr. David comes. Of course. I’m telling you - Mr. David knows things. Bad things. He’s somehow doing Martin’s bidding. Or Endicott’s. This isn’t good. 

38:47 - Hell yes. JT for the win!

38:52 - Dani knows. She just gave Malcolm a look. She’s scared of him. She’s either scared because she knows what Malcolm did or because she knows that his current mental state is not stable. 

39:55 - This scene is heartbreaking. Malcolm is being completely honest and vulnerable about the state of his family’s happiness. He’s projecting his current guilt about Martin onto this guy and the dude is feeding on it. 

40:27 - I love that Malcolm restrains himself really well until the killer mentions his mother. Then he snaps. Look at Gil. Trying to gently get Malcolm to back off. You can see that Gil is crushed. He suspects that Malcolm stabbed Martin and it’s causing Malcolm to unravel. 

40:50 - Dang. JT and Gil are concerned about Malcolm. JT’s actually looking at Malcolm with fear in his eyes. He’s probably never seen Malcolm like this. Gil doesn’t look scared though. Only sad. When has he seen Malcolm like this?

41:00 - “Where does it stop?” - Tom Payne is incredible. The way that line is delivered is heartbreaking and haunting.

42:26 - Gil knows what happened. Or at least - he suspects. He knows Jessica and Malcolm well enough to know how things probably played out. He’s protecting them. Both of them. By pretending he doesn’t know. 

43:00 - Did Malcolm tell Gil the truth here? He looks like he’s going to. Huh. 

What a rollercoaster. Thanks for hanging out fam. 

[tobythewise]

Square filled: Rockstar!Cas

Ship: Dean Winchester/Castiel

Rating: General

Summary: Dean can’t take being in the shadow and watching Cas be with groupies and other people anymore. Will Cas be able to stop Dean from walking away? Or will Dean be the reason for the tears on Cas’s guitar?

Author Note: I’ve been watching Trolls with my son a lot lately and this song inspired this story! I hope you enjoy! :)

Written/Created for @spnaubingo

Dean pulls Castiel along by his shirt sleeve until they’re alone behind closed doors of Cas’s dressing room.

“We gotta talk, Cas.”

Cas stands unfazed and Dean takes to time to scan his face. He wants to memorize everything about Cas. His messy dark hair, his startling blue eyes, his angular jaw, the crinkles around his eyes. Everything he’s grown to love about his best friend.

“I’m leaving. This is the last show I’m helping with,” Dean blurts out. He knows if he doesn’t rip it like a bandaid he won’t have the guts to get everything out.

“I don’t understand,” Cas says slowly.

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m not happy, Cas. I’m so sick of living in everyone else’s shadow. It feels like no one sees me anymore. You’re busy with everything and I don’t fault you for that. You’re living your dream and I’m so happy for you, Cas. I really am, but I have to think about me for once. I dreamed of being with you up on stage and now I’m the sound guy. I’m the one who plugs in your mic and your guitar. I’m nobody.”

Cas tries to interject, “Dean, that’s not true.”

“It is. I’m the nobody that does the work that no one else feels like doing. But I would continuing doing it. I don’t mind the work. The works not even the real reason I have to go.”

“Then what is it? You can tell me, Dean.”

Dean takes a steadying breathe. “I can’t handle watching you hook up with random groupies anymore, Cas. I can’t handle being your wing man or comfort you when you get your heart broken. I don’t want to sit by and watch you go by without even looking at me! It’s like I’m invisible and I can’t do it anymore. I deserve to be seen. I deserve more.” Dean wipes a stray tear and looks right into his favorite blue eyes. “I love you. And that’s why I have to go. I can’t keep living in the shadows, waiting for you to notice me anymore. I can’t sit by and hope you’ll notice how unhappy I am.” Dean shakes his head. “This is my last show. I won’t be here when you get off stage.”

“Dean,” Cas tries but is interrupted by Gabriel’s arrival.

“Come on, Cassie. We gotta go.”

“One second, Gabe.”

“No can do, buckero. Gotta go now!”

Gabe grabs onto Cas’s sleeve and pulls his through the door. One last look at Dean with sad eyes and he’s gone.

Dean gives himself a few minutes to let everything sink in. He thought he’d feel relief to have finally gotten everything off his chest but in reality he feels worse. He feels like there’s a giant pit in his chest and he’s not sure anything will ever be able to fill it.

Dean walks to the side of the stage. He watches as Cas and the band perform. Dean’s mesmerized by Castiel’s performance just as always. He could watch his best friend sing and play his guitar for hours and of course he has.

They met in high school and were inseparable. When Cas got his big break, it was only logical that Dean would follow in anyway he could. Even if that meant being stage manager of all his shows. Dean didn’t mind being behind the scenes, he just wanted the undivided attention of one person.

Dean figured eventual Cas would realize he’s been here for him through all these years and all the ups and downs and realize he loved Dean back. Well, so much for that plan. Slowly, Dean was becoming less and less like himself. He’s felt grey in sea of color.

Well, no more! After this, he would figure out what makes him happy and do it. No more waiting around. Dean watches as the band finish up their last song. He begins walking away.

Dean walks through a few sets of doors until he’s in the hallway that leads to the parking lot. The stadium they’re in has a tv every few feet so everyone can watch the performance, even if they need to use the restroom or get concession. That’s how Dean notices that Cas is performing an encore. He stops and looks at the screen. He’s allowed to watch one last time, he reasons with himself.

He watches as Cas slowly walks out onto the stage and drags a stool and his acoustic guitar along with him. He sits down and adjusts the mic. When Dean hears Cas’s voice, he gets goosebumps.

“Thank you everybody for coming out today. I have one more song to perform for you tonight. This is a very special song.” Cas pauses and looks to the backstage where Dean normally sits and watches.

Dean stand frozen, eyes glued to the tv. What the hell is Cas doing, he wonders.

“I’ve had this song in my heart since I was a teenager and never had to guts to singing it out loud. Dean.”

Dean’s heart hammers in his chest as the camera zooms in. He feels like he’s standing right in front of Cas, eyes locked.

“Dean, if your still here. I’m sure you’ll recognize this song. I used to strum it and hum it all the time. This song is for you. I hope it will help you understand how I truly see you.”

Cas begins to strum his guitar and instantly Dean’s belly filled with butterflies. It’s the song that Cas has been working on since they were in high school. Now, apparently it finally has words.

“You with the sad eyes, don’t be discouraged. Oh I realize it’s hard to take courage, in a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small.”

Dean is stood in his spot. He can’t take his eyes off of Cas as he plucks the cords between verses. It’s beautiful.

“Show me a smile then, don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when, I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ‘cause I will always be there.”

Dean feels his heart speed up and and his breathe feels trapped in his chest. Could it be possible that Cas feels the same. That his feelings could be returned. His eyes are glued to the man on the tv who he loves with all his heart and prays that this is real.

“And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you, Dean.”

Dean feels like his whole body is jolted with lightning. He can’t believe what he’s just heard. Before he can even understand what’s going on, he realizes he’s running. He can hear Cas’s voice float through the entire stadium but he just keeps his feet moving. He’s gotta get back.

Dean is at the door that leads to the backstage but when he goes to pull the door it doesn’t budge.

“Fuck!” It’s locked and he’s got no way of getting inside. Before he can get too far down in his gloomy mindset, the door flies open and Benny is standing there with a smile.

“Go on, brother. Go get your man.”

Dean pats Benny on the back as he runs past. Before he knows it, he’s standing at his usual place on the side of the stage. Dean can tell the beautiful song is coming to an end and he savors every last note. The sound of the guitar is becoming softer and softer and Cas’s voice is a beautiful whisper as he sings out the last lines.

“So don’t be afraid to let them show your true colors. True colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. Oh oh oh oh oh like a rainbow. Mmm mmm.”

Cas finishes the song and makes his way off the stage with one last wave to the audience. Once he’s backstage he finally looks up and meets Dean’s eyes. He knows his eyes are filled with unshed tears but Dean doesn’t care. He just wants Cas.

Dean walks up to Cas and pulls him into a tight hug. “Is that really how you feel, Cas.”

Cas clears his throat and croaks out a, “Yes.”

Then they’re kissing and Dean isn’t sure why it took so long for this to happen but he doesn’t care. He’s just so freakin’ happy to be here in this moment. To have Cas in his arms.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. If I’d have known I would have said something sooner.”

“Shh, it’s okay, Cas. We’re here now. And I love you.”

“I love you, too. And I truly see you, Dean. I’m sorry I was slightly blind but I promise it won’t happen again.”

Dean smiles and is rewarded with the giant gummy grin he loves. “I see you, too. Now let’s head back to the tour bus before your groupies find you.”

[grifalinas]

Testing out Battlescars as an original work. The scene below was written for the revamp, but I never got that far in posting, so no one will have read the original to compare to it (hence why I chose it). Enjoy.

-/-

Buck has never particularly been a fan of his birthday: having been born on Valentine’s Day, his life has been a series of being ignored by those preferring to celebrate their love over his birth. Even his own birth was overshadowed by the holiday; it’s hard to enjoy a day knowing his father chose being with his wife over attending the birth of his son. Affair or not, he feels as the man’s firstborn he should have warranted a look-in.

Still, a boy doesn’t turn sixteen every day, and turning sixteen means getting his license. He wakes up early in the morning and bangs on his dad’s door for ten minutes before dad finally answers, squinting sleepily down at his son. His glasses are askew and his hair is mussed, and Buck has a moment of being glad that it looks like he’s finally been sleeping again before he gets back to his purpose.

“You said you’d take me to get my license,” he says, by way of explanation.

“What time is it?”

“I don’t know, like five? Ish?”

“What time does the DMV open?”

“...eight.”

Dad looks disgruntled for a moment, and turns to look longingly at his bed. Buck glances over as well, and looks away before he’s forced to register the large, human-shaped lump in the covers. He sighs. Of course his dad would be more interested in staying in bed with his lover than actually acknowledging his son’s birthday.

“One hour,” dad says finally, taking his glasses off to rub sleepily at his eyes. “We’ll stop somewhere for breakfast while we wait for the DMV to open.”

“Yeah?” Buck gives him a surprised look. “No kidding?”

“Am I in the habit of kidding?”

“Well, no, but…” He trails off, and takes a step back. “I’m gonna go get dressed!” he calls, turning to hurry back to his room.

-/-

Destiny gets back from her morning run just as Buck is getting out of the shower. She sits on his bathroom counter and watches him while he brushes his hair.

“So how does it feel to be sixteen?” she asks. “And what are you doing up so early? I thought you were allergic to the idea of two six o’clocks in one day.”

“Normally I am. Dad’s taking me to get my license.”

“The DMV doesn’t open till eight.”

“He’s taking me for breakfast first.”

“Ah.” She gives him a knowing look: she’s been in his position enough not to offer comment. “So what have you got planned for today? Apart from your license, I mean.”

“I dunno. Thought I’d borrow the car and take the guys up to Valhalla to catch a movie.”

This time the look she gives him is secretive and mischievous. He frowns, and turns to finish dressing rather than think about what it could mean.

-/-

After he finishes dressing, Buck heads downstairs, and finds dad drinking coffee while Victoria fries herself an egg. Dad is looking more put together now, but his collar isn’t quite high enough to hide the fresh bruise on his neck, the one that wasn’t there less than an hour ago. Buck suppresses a grumble and turns to making his own coffee rather than think too hard about it.

“Happy birthday,” Victoria says, moving out of the way so Buck can reach the coffee maker. “Are you looking forward to getting your license?”

“I mean.” Buck shrugs. “I just think it’ll be nice not to have to wait around for someone else to take me places, you know? By the way.” He turns his attention to his dad. “Do you mind if I borrow the car this evening? I want to take the guys up to the city for a movie.”

“Hmm…” Dad considers this, and exchanges a secretive look with Victoria. “...We’ll see,” he says. “I may need it, it is Valentine’s Day, after all.”

Buck fights down a scowl. “Gross,” he says, and stalks off to his room to wait till time to go.

-/-

The DMV is in Spiral, which is a bit of a drive that dad lets Buck handle; once they’re in the city, dad leaves it to Buck to decide where they’re going for breakfast. They end up going out for French toast, and after a breakfast that is only a little bit awkward, they head to the DMV, and make it not long after it’s opened.

There’s already a line formed, so they take their number and have a seat. Dad brought his computer and decides to get some work done, while Buck fills out the form he needs for his license.

“It’s a good thing I’m not legally blind yet,” he says, scratching his head with his pencil and staring at the part where he says he needs corrective lenses. “Think my eyesight is gonna end up as shitty as yours?”

“Probably,” dad says. “But I’m not quite bad enough to count as legally blind yet, so you shouldn’t need to worry, not for awhile.”

“At least Victoria is willing to do most of your driving for you,” Buck says, glancing at dad in his periphery. He’s starting to wonder about their relationship; he’d assumed they were just bennies, but now he’s not so sure.

“I do employ a driver, you know. Though it is fortunate that Victoria is willing to drive when we’d prefer our privacy, even from a driver.”

“Yeah, super fortunate.” Buck glances down at his form, only half completed. “So you guys really planning to do shit for Valentine’s, huh?”

Dad sighs. “Buck, do you truly want to have this conversation at the DMV, on your birthday? I would think you’d prefer to leave it for a later time.”

“So there is a conversation to be had.”

Another sigh, and dad turns his attention back to his computer. Buck scowls and goes back to filling out his form. After a moment, dad takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes.

“This is new territory for both of us,” he says finally. “I have been with no one else since- since she died, and Oliver is a wound still fresh and raw for Victoria. Neither of us is sure what we are or even what we want.” He adds, as an afterthought, “It was Victoria’s idea to spend Valentine’s together, not mine.”

“Big fucking shock,” Buck grumbles. He finishes filling out his form, and sets it aside in favor of taking out his phone.

“I don’t understand the problem,” dad says. He sounds frustrated. Buck scoffs.

“Of course you wouldn’t. Look, it- it doesn’t matter, okay? Let’s just drop it. I don’t get many good birthdays, let’s not ruin this one before it even gets off the ground.”

“Very well.”

From there, the wait for Buck’s test is silent, with dad working and Buck playing Mathlibs on his phone. It’s a relief when his number is called and he can head out, keeping to a walk just in case dad wants to wish him luck or something before his test.

Dad is silent. Buck isn’t sure what he was expecting, if he’s honest.

-/-

Buck passes his test- he messes up on parallel parking, but the instructor decides to let him by on the grounds of everything else being fine- and goes to wait in line to get his picture taken and his license made. Once he has it, he heads back over to dad, who is packing up his computer so they can go.

“How did your picture turn out?” dad asks.

“Not great.” Buck squints at it. He’d at least had the foresight to take his ponytail out, so his head isn’t shaped weird. He hands it to dad to look at.

“You look so unimpressed,” dad observes, handing it back. Buck snorts.

“Yeah, well, I mean. If I get pulled over, I’m gonna be unimpressed.”

“Fair enough. It’s not a particularly flattering photo, but license photos never are.”

“It didn’t exactly have much to work with. Puberty is not doing me any favors over here.”

Dad gives him a sidelong look, and looks amused. “I think you look very handsome, Buck.”

“That’s because I look like you and you’re full of yourself.”

“Perhaps.” They stop near the car, and dad hands him the keys. “Care to drive?”

“Hell yeah!” He takes the keys and slides into the driver’s seat. “You need to stop anywhere on the way home?”

“I was actually thinking we might go to the mall, so you can be allowed to pick out your birthday present.”

“Whoa.” Buck turns and raises an eyebrow at him. “Who are you, and what have you done with my dad?”

“Very funny.”

“No seriously! You’re doing all this nice shit for me today. You never do that.”

“It’s not every day my son turns sixteen.” He mirrors Buck’s expression. “Am I not allowed to dote a bit?”

“I mean- I guess you are- I just-” He trails off, and distracts himself by focusing on getting the car out of the parking lot and into traffic. “Look, it doesn’t matter. Let’s just go to the mall so you can buy me that limited edition Luna Brothers Gamebuddy that just came out.”

“Don’t you already have a Gamebuddy?”

“Well, yeah, but this one is embossed with a picture of Max on the cover. That makes it better.”

“What is Luna Brothers?”

“Just this dumb show about monsters that my friends watch. I only want the Gamebuddy so they’ll all be jealous.”

“That so?” Dad doesn’t look like he believes him, but he doesn’t reply in favor of checking the text his phone just alerted him to. He turns to look out the window, and Buck sees a secretive smile reflected in the window. He winces and turns his attention back to the road, trying to find some way to get dad’s attention away from- no doubt- Victoria.

“Uh, yeah, it’s about these brothers who were orphaned as kids and then this really shady dude took them in. And the younger brother babysits for his classmate’s little brother, that’s Max… uh… my friends all say that Max reminds them of me, actually, which is kinda cool, cause he’s really funny and gets all the best lines.”

Dad looks interested, so Buck launches into an explanation of The Luna Brothers, pleased when he puts his phone down in the seat for awhile. Buck doesn’t often have his dad’s undivided attention, and he’s going to enjoy it while he does.

He’s able to keep the conversation going the whole time they’re at the mall shopping- dad gets him the new Gamebuddy, and several new games and a Mud Mummies t-shirt as well- and then they go out for lunch. On the drive home, they play Mathlibs, with dad running the board and Buck supplying the equations, and it’s honestly one of the best birthdays Buck has ever had.

He spends the whole time waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When they get home, Victoria’s car is there in the drive, and Victoria comes out to meet them before Buck has even got the car into the garage. She looks smug. Granted, she always looks smug, but this seems situationally specific. Buck resists the urge to groan. There’s that other shoe, it seems.

Buck slams the car door a little more than he meant to and heads for the door, but dad catches his shoulder with one hand to stop him.

“Where are you going?”

“Inside,” Buck says. “I gotta call the guys and see if we had any homework from today.”

“In a moment. I want you to see something in the backyard.”

“Fine.”

Buck follows them out of the garage to the backyard, hanging back and watching the way they walk together. He doesn’t really see anything different- there’s a good foot or so of space between them, and they’ve got their hands behind their backs while they walk. But they also keep glancing at each other and speaking quietly.

He’s so busy watching them he doesn’t quite realize they’ve stopped until he nearly barrels into them. They’re both looking at him expectantly, so he looks around, wondering what it was they brought him back here to see-

“That’s a car,” he says. There’s a Scorpion in the yard, cornflower blue and brand new. He looks up at his dad. “Is that mine?”

“You knew you were getting it.” Dad looks smug.

“Yeah, but I thought-” He thought he’d have to wait for dad to get around to it. “-I didn’t know it was coming today.”

“It did. Do you still want to borrow the car tonight?”

Buck rolls his eyes, unable to disguise how pleased he looks. “Whatever.” He moves over to the car, wanting to look at it but not quite daring to. He’ll be the first of his friends to have his own vehicle- not counting Manny, who has a truck but is Destiny’s friend more than his anyway. Mano and Lys have both had their licenses for ages but they’re still using the family vehicles.

“Unfortunately it wasn’t available in green,” dad says, moving to join him. “But we can easily have it painted if you’d prefer it.”

Since when does his dad actually know his favorite color? Buck shakes his head. “No, blue is fine, the shade of green I like doesn’t look right on cars.” He gives dad a hopeful look. “Can I drive it?”

“It’s yours, isn’t it?”

“Right. Mine. Keys?”

Victoria passes them over, and Buck slides into the car. He hadn’t wanted a scorpion, and had complained when dad told him that’s what he was getting, but he doesn’t mind so much now that he’s sitting it in. True, it’s big and clunky and made to be sturdy more than anything, but it’s more than any of his friends have. He cranks up, and lets the window down so he can lean out of it.

“I think I’ll go up to the school and show it off,” he says. “See you later.”

He drives off, leaving dad and Victoria standing in the yard.

-/-

Once he’s gone, they head inside.

“Did you enjoy your day out?” Victoria asks. Cyrus nods.

“Have you ever heard of The Luna Brothers?”

Victoria hums an affirmative. “It’s very popular right now. Manny and Donut watch it together sometimes. I believe it is universally agreed among their friends that Max is a toddler, cartoon version of Buck.”

“How do you even know that?”

“I pay attention.”

Cyrus shakes his head. He hasn’t missed the jab. “Do you think I’ve made up last month to him with that?”

“I think it will take more than one good birthday and a car to make up for…” She hesitates. “...last month.” Victoria touches Cyrus’s hand, levels on him a pointed look. “Some indication that there will not be a repeat of last month would go a long way.”

Cyrus shoots him a look, then turns and heads back to his study. “What did you have in mind for tonight?” he asks.

Behind him, Victoria sighs and follows. “Nothing fancy. Dinner would be nice.”

-/-

[one-of-us-blog]

Forgive Me, Father (TGG, Season 2, Episode 18)

Today Eli is forced to watch and recap Forgive Me, Father, Episode 18 of the second season of The Golden Girls.  Will this episode be a gift from the heavens, or an unholy abomination?  Keep reading to find out…

Jon, there is no need to worry about the tardiness (or TARDISness) of your last review.  It was the best damned recap I’ve read in quite a while, and now I can’t get it out of my head.  Besides, I just assumed you were off on an adventure in time and space, and were dropped back off a day late.  Regardless, I’m excited for you to move on to Series 4, even if it feels like your Who progression advances much more quickly than my seasons with the girls!  But now I have to get my own recap written in a timely manner, so…

Let’s head to Miami!

Episode written by Kathy Speer and Terry Grossman, directed by Terry Hughes

The episodes quite frequently open on Sophia, and this one is no exception.  She is rooting around in various items, presumably looking for cash or narcotics.  Rose enters and begins to recount a very negative run-in she had on the streets, but Sophia is a bit too distracted to provide her undivided attention.  She can’t find her lucky handkerchief!  You know what, I’m not even going to fault her for her distraction.  A handkerchief is one of the most useful tools known to man or woman, and if I found myself without one (particularly a lucky hanky), I’d be pretty flustered myself.  Sophia wants to have it with her when she hits up the church Bingo scene, but she does take time away from her search to school Rose on the fine art of making rude gestures.  Blanche and Dorothy enter in the midst of a discussion.  Dorothy didn’t get asked out by a particular teacher at her school, Frank, and I guess she was hoping this would have happened by now.  Rose posits that perhaps he just doesn’t like her, but she only earns herself a scowl.  Blanche tells Dorothy to take charge and ask him out herself, and she even employs some role-play to show her how.  It gets pretty sensual.  Despite the clear effectiveness of Blanche’s approach, Dorothy insists that she will do things her own way.

We cut to the school, where the famous Frank is hanging a sign and Dorothy is working up the nerve to make her move.  She makes some small talk about the kids they teach, and Frank’s dedication to them.  Frank has even had dinner with a number of students; the guy seems like a saint!  Dorothy casually asks Frank if he’d like to have dinner with her and her friends, but she makes sure to schedule the meal on Bingo night when her mother will be out.

Jumping forward a bit, the girls are getting ready for the arrival of Frank, while Sophia is getting ready for Bingo night.  Luckily, she has found her lucky handkerchief, right where she left it in her bra; she was blowing her breasts, Rose, okay?  Blanche is in command, discouraging Rose from playing footsie during dinner and encouraging Dorothy to take more chances and change her outfit.  Blanche and Rose continue to work on dinner preparations, and Blanche says that she thinks Dorothy is quite smitten with Frank.  Just then, Frank finally arrives at the door, and surprise, surprise…he’s a priest, wearing his priestly garments and everything.  Blanche is obviously very confused by this new development and starts some denominational babbling before finally inviting him in.  Frank has heard all about Blanche, but he quickly discerns that Blanche had no idea he was a priest...and neither did Dorothy.  Blanche mentions that this is going to present a problem for Dorothy’s plans, and Frank starts to put the pieces together.  Rose comes out of the kitchen and says hello very enthusiastically, even telling Frank that Dorothy is very taken with him before the reality of the situation dawns on her.  Dorothy enters the living room, now in her flashiest attire, and is quite embarrassed.  Frank says that they can still be friend…can’t they?  Awkwardly, everyone moves to the lanai for dinner.

After the meal, everyone is enjoying coffee in the living room and having a nice talk.  Dorothy and Blanche go to the kitchen for more coffee, and Blanche admits that she still thinks that Frank has the hots for Dorothy.  She can see it in his eyes!  The man is a man, after all!  Blanche had an affair with a “man of the cloth” once, and even if he was just a fabric salesman, she still knows what she’s talking about.  They return to the living room just as Sophia makes it back from church Bingo.  She thought the whole game was rigged, and had a few choice words for the Father in charge of the operation.  She assumes that Father Lahey is there to shut her up.  She asks Dorothy about her date, and when she realizes that Frank is her date, she takes her daughter aside for a little talk.  Frank says that he has to go, but before he does he tells Dorothy that he is on the verge of a big decision, and she has helped him.  He is thinking about leaving the church.  What?

In the next scene, Dorothy is sitting up late, unable to sleep due to a papal nightmare.  Blanche is with her in the kitchen, and Rose arrives with cheesecake and ice cream, ready for a late night gabfest.  Dorothy is very confused about the situation she is in, and I’m not sure that Rose’s story of her and Charlie defying family expectations is particularly helpful.  But Sophia enters, and clearly thinks that her daughter is defying God.  Nevertheless, she will stand by Dorothy’s decision, even if her daughter ends up burning in Hell.

After the break, Sophia goes to church and enters a confession booth, ready to give Father Lahey a piece of her mind.  She tells him that he needs to get over his lust, but there’s just one problem…it isn’t Frank that she’s talking to.  Meanwhile, in the sanctuary, it becomes clear that the actual Frank wasn’t really talking about leaving the priesthood; he was simply talking about leaving this particular church to become a teaching priest rather than a parish priest.  Dorothy enters the church to talk to him, and tells him that she can’t bear the responsibility of Frank’s decision.  He would regret his choice forever if he were to leave the priesthood.  Frank laughs, and once again has to set Dorothy straight.  And again, she is embarrassed.  Frank says that the two of them do have something special, even if it is just friendship.  They arrange for a friendly dinner (going Dutch, of course), and he gives her a hug just as Sophia exits the confession booth.  It’s like he didn’t hear a word she said!

The End.

I loved this episode!  Father Frank was genuinely likeable, and even though I’m sure we’ll never see him again, I think he should definitely be a recurring character.  I loved Blanche’s role-play, and her “the man’s a man” moment, and Sophia had the best line of the episode after discovering her lucky handkerchief in her bra.  Actually, all the jokes were on point, and I just felt like this was a well-written sitcom episode in general.  And you know what, any show that promotes the importance of having a handkerchief at all times gets a ringing endorsement from me.  I happily give Forgive Me, Father a score of 5 poofy hairdos out of 5!

Join us on Tuesday, when I will be reviewing Long Day’s Journey Into Marinara, the next episode of The Golden Girls.  And don’t forget to check in tomorrow, when Jon will be recapping Partners in Crime, the premiere episode of Series 4 of Doctor Who!  Until then, as always, thank you for being a friend, and for being One of Us!