#and didnt do enough stuff that they should have
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Bernard definitely "knows a guy"
idk what situation he would need a guy for, but i feel like it wouldn't really matter. His life is just such a collection of weird situations, and he always just happens to know a guy because of it
Did he meet them through some weird online conspiracy boards? Did he meet them through the cult? Did he just extrovert really close to the sun and get away with it? Has this exact situation just happened so many times that he just knows the person he needs at this point? Honestly, he doesn't even know anymore
You know what he DOES know? A guy
#bernard dowd#dude hes been in so many situations id be so surprised if he didnt “know a guy” at LEAST once#i feel like it would happen enough times that the bats would start getting a little suspicious that hes more than just a civilian#like its that weird stage where theyre not sure if he knows their identities yet and if he does and hes NOT a civilian that complicates#things a little bit#but no. his life is just Like That#hes the least normal civilian in existence but at the end of the day hes literally just a guy#i feel like most of them would come from the cult?? bc most of their victims were teenagers right? or at least taken in as teens#depressed high schoolers know how to do some wild shit#so most of his guys are just ex cultists like him that he kept in touch with or smth#i think they should do more with the cult actually#bc we dont actually know all that much do we?#we know the initiations and about the chaos monsters and like where they operated and stuff#but like. thats about it?#i wanna know about the other cultists. i wanna about what exactly went down there. i wanna know how theyd naturally recruit people#i wanna know how bernard actually ended up joining. i wanna know what exactly was up with the chaos monsters#like. do we actually know any of this stuff? ive seen some stuff in like fanfics but is any of that canon? how much do we actually know?#bc as far as i know ive got no fucking clue. but is this information that we have? if someone knows pls tell me im so curious
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get you a girl who can give you everything
this started a long long time ago when I made a joke about how sega should put ringo in more dresses, and then my friend reminded me that oh yeah!! I can do that instead!!! and then one thing led to another and we joked about punk ringo and I drew that too. using ringo like a dressup doll is so cathartic it's kinda crazy
some bonuses (original designs, timelapse) under the cut bc I like these designs!! I might do some more with them!! please disregard the band poster in the first second of the timelapse that's something else!!!
#everyone look at my girl isnt she so pretty#puyo puyo#ringo ando#my stuff#please look at the timelapse it nicely packages a week of suffering into a minute :)#you cant tell at all from the recording. but all those teeny tiny scallops on ringo's dress? i drew all of those by hand#because the scallop brush i downloaded didnt look right. it never does why do i have that#plus the lace cutouts on the bottom i also drew by hand because i wanted them to look kinda like bunches of apple seeds#but thats not really a thing you can search for- 'lace brush that looks like apple seeds' is wildly specific#there's probably an identical brush to what i painstakingly drew by hand but dont tell me about it i want to think i did that for a reason#punk ringo on top was a lot less work on the lineart bit except for that godforsaken guitar#i had to make sure it looked right and it took forever#but what punk ringo gave me the most trouble with was posing#i knew i wanted an arm out to mirror lolita ringo but thw initial draft was meant to be her holding the guitar the opposite way she is now#(as in her hand was gonna be backwards)#and do you know how hard it is to balance a guitar like that. i had to grab my guitar and do a photoshoot to see what was most natural#while still having leg up arm out#this was fun to do even if i had about three crises in the middle of it#i tried doing my old rendering style again after a while and it was fun too#lolita ringo gave me a bit of trouble in the fact that my brain couldnt handle the dress being shaded but the apples being flat#but we got it lmao. i dont know if ill ever do this again it took too long#but maybe half of the time was because suddenly halfway through everybody needed my help for something or other that required me to leave#anyway wow thats enough rambling. i should go to bed now
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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going to be so totally honest, im willing to sit through ANY amount of spock straightness love triangle subplots as long as SNW keeps up the 'giving compelling characterization to female characters' energy because holy shit how incredible has this season been so far? uhura, la'an, number one, chapel, and ortegas have all had iconic spotlight arcs where they just Do Shit, who even cares about spock at this point (and im saying this as someone who chronically and autistically Cares About Spock)
#strange new worlds#snw#my posts#to be clear anybody complaining about the way they wrote the human!spock episode is fine this isnt about that#this is specifically about the number of posts ive seen complaining about the straightness (which i GET i do i love the gay spock reading)#but like i have not seen an equal number of posts getting super fucking excited about the cool shit the women are getting up to#maybe im not going in the tags enough. maybe i should just do the posting i want to see in the world#and not just queue stuff into my month long queue#talk tag#it just honestly reminds me a lot of the way dsc s2 fandom immediately pivoted to spock and pike lolol#for the record i didnt list t'pring there because she hasnt really gotten to do cool shit yet this season but i hold out hope#think im gonna work on homework then draft some posts idrk
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thinking about mtt literally physically dragging eachother down and being restrained to eachother because theyre genuinely that fucking ass for eachother but then it means i'd have to decide which of them to humiliate by putting a collar on them. and i can't choose. if they dont all equally suffer than whats the point man 🙁🙁🙁
#i think they'd all have interesting reactions to it 2#like a permanent collar that cant be taken off. to make even more gruesome what if it were like built into the BONE????#or it could just be something less extreme like bone carvings. killer would absolutely do that shit#anyways i think horror would be the most reactive to it. anger is the most intriguing emotion#and also dog horror real. anyways he'd hate to be demeaned and disrespected like that. he has an ego and honor man and this is cutting it#dust drags him around constantly. killer pets him and disregards his boundaries. like a fucking DOG#because horror hates kist enough that he'd never let them get vulnerable enough. not that it stops killer LMAO#dust thinks some of horrors hatred towards them is a projection of his own self hatred (and hed lowkey be right)#loser. dust i think would be unique because to me he'd be a bit fine with it#i mean i think itd be hidden under paps scarf so it wouldn't be a constant reminder of horror n killer#but he lets the two hold the leash at least a bit. give him an eensy bit of touch and let a few insults slide#but the second he decides that even the smallest thing is enough he gets ticked off and then yk. someone has to put bunny back in his place#because dust is chill enough to let normal things in his eyes pass. he's not very reactionary or the type to immediately bite back#(since dust would just avoid horror and killer if he did meet them. means he has some sort of tolerance for them. keeping his peace fr)#but the moment hes reminded that god these two do suck and i shouldn't be letting this happen all of the held back anger comes out#killer would seek out the force and stuff. horror would treat him like shit because it makes himself feel good and killer look like an idio#dust doesn't even glance at him though and it pisses killer off. both of their actions do actually#like WTF DUST you guys literally put this on me. treat me like the piece of shit i know you think i am#but also STOP HORROR!!!! dont pull me around and demean me im not a pet i dont want to be treated that way even tho i say it do#yeah hes caught in a standstill. AND SO AM I do you see my issue. cannot pick one specific#all the trio would have such interesting reactions i cant just choose one to solely suffer......... anyways mttpoly am i right#should i tag this. like majority of the interesting stuff is in tags. but also i didnt post today i have a duty#dust sans#killer sans#horror sans#murder time trio#utmv#tricule rant#this just ended up being me thinking about mtt with collars. maaan what about handcuffs and chains and other restrictive things#having them have restraining relationship isnt enough i need them to PHYSICALLY RESTRAIN EACHOTHER
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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footnotes arent enough I need you to talk to me like im fucking Amelia Bedelia
#this isn’t about anything in particular btw. I just have to add a lot of memos when I’m doing things because some things are done a certain#way and it isn’t explained well in the instructions. like my mom has instructions on her baking recipes right#but when it says stuff like add dry ingredients to wet ingredients it also means you don’t dump it in one go you add it slowly by portion#this is probably why I find videos and demonstrations the most helpful when I learn something. like I almost always ask someone to show me#how they do it because there could be something they do that’s already second nature and wouldn’t really be considered in an explanation yk#I don’t think I’m an exception either. when the rice is done cooking I divide it into 4 quarters to bless it#but there are a million ways to divide rice and it makes me think that one persons way of doing it or not doing it all is just as valid#theres also technically no wrong way to divide rice afaik. this means either all ways of dividing rice is safe or valid until we find some#universally terrible way of dividing rice. until that happens nobody really thinks about specifying HOW you divide the rice#source: I have anxiety starting and doing things for the first time because I got way too many people yell at me NONONO WHAT ARE YOU DOING#THATS WRONG while I’m in the middle of doing the thing. I would rather have people think I’m either very stupid or overly specific#than go thru the panic inducing fear of ‘YOURE DOING THIS WRONG OMG WHY DIDNT YOU ASK AHEAD OF TIME THIS WILL BE FUCKED UP FOREVER’ 🧍#nothing wrong if you don’t give something a second thought because you’re so used to it. but I can and will ask about it and I don’t think I#really should feel bad about it if I don’t know enough to dispute it. idk#the other way around I try to be as specific as possible and word things in a way that people who might not get where I’m coming from will#understand. but the problem with that is my explanations tend to be lengthy and I lose them either way 🗿#Im. trying to work on that using examples and stuff because they seem to work the best#but if I could write everything down on a word doc and beam it into your melon that would save both of us time and embarassment#im rambling the short version is I have adhd#yapping
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Orion who misses his country, not for the people he left behind but for the people
[Translation:
I give it my all, I give it my all
It's my (our) country, it's my (our) blood
Live your life to the fullest, the long life we deserved
This is for you who received my vote
Tryna change the world, give the world a new voice
This isn't my country, it's our country
So just do it our way, our way
It's my (our) country]
Orion sang the lyrics quietly to himself as he sat leaning on a tree, surrounded by the silence of time and the dark of night. He clenched onto the grass beneath him with his teeth clenched, feeling his throat clogging up just from a single song.
His mind went back to when he was a child and how loving the people around him was, how they cared about him but not enough. No, it was not enough.
It was not enough when they let him be treated like nothing the moment he stepped into his home.
It was not enough when they showed concern over his blank, tired eyes but took his family's empty words at face value.
It was never enough.
But,
He remembered those people who treated everyone equally, who gave him extra meals after seeing how starved he was, who cheered him on when he told them that he was joining the military as soon as he was 18.
He remembered those who cried in his hands after he rescued them, who kept repeating their thanks to him, who sent him personalised letters and words of encouragement about his bravery and kindness.
Yes, he was in the military to protect the country and to him; the country was the people in them, not the disgusting pigs that did nothing but bring ruin to the country's hard-earned peace.
"Negaraku, ni semua untuk kebaikan aku. Maafkan kekurangan aku." [My country, this is all for my own good. Please forgive me for my weaknesses.] He choked out as he gripped at his old dog tag, from when he was still serving them.
He left them, both the people and the country because he was a selfISH, USELESS BASTARD- No, no, no, that's not it. They abandoned him first. Left him to DIE. There was no way he was staying no matter how heavy his heart was.
He had nothing to go back to anyway.
#zante's writings#zante's stars#shadow 2-15#shadow company ocs#cod#shadow company#hes so cringe im gonna make him CRY#he should smooch someone fr#maybe that someone is graves or velikan or barrage or just a random shadow#that man is a virgin (in his mind bc SA... anyway thats something i will have to write later)#can orion actually sing tho? idk 🤷🏻♂️ ig decent enough but he wont do it often bc his vocal chords are quite fucked up#his voice used to be more youthful and calm#but after the injury it got raspier and rougher which he didnt mind bc it helped him distinct himself from his old life#also the translation may be a bit silly sounding bc i havent translated stuffs in some time LOL i promised that i have a diploma in english
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if you must use a protein mask/rice water for your hair i recommend using it in combination with a deep conditioner ESPECIALLY if your hair is prone 2 dryness or damaged from heat or coloring
#if your hair doesnt have enough protein it will be dry no matter how much product/deep conditioner you put in#you need the protein so that the moisture you're putting in doesnt just....fall out lmao.#ESPECIALLY IF YOU DYE YOUR HAIR A LOT#also sometimes people's hair get overloaded with how much protein is in a treatment. if thats you just dont use so much you should be fine#kjdfdjf#also you dont needta do this a lot >_> just when its apparent your hair needs it#im talking ta myself dont mind me#i like talkuing about my hair#and its maintenance b/c ppl usually dont grow up knowing this stuff 😭 (at least i didnt)#spacie spoinks#whenever people are like ''my hair has been so dry ever since i dyed it no matter what i do'' im liek...bestie...try a protein mask#of course there is a point where your hair can be damaged beyond repair#if like. you try protein masks (if its really bad try it multiple times but only on your hair wash days) + deep conditioner#and that still doesnt work...baby you aint fixin dat shit 😭😭
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well that was….. A Movie
#i have too many thoughts. unfortunately#its kinda hard to see this so long after it came out bc the humor feels soooo mid 2010’s and its debatable how well its aged#all i know is personally i feel like the dc mvoie#*dc movies have done a better job in recent years doing this specific r rated humor focused anti hero stuff#also like i for one love a comedy and love things having a humorous streak#but this is like a really standard grey action#*movie but then it puts all the humor on one character and that doesnt worklike at all lmao#like the really good parts are when hes with the other 2 funny characters (the bartender and the old lady)#they also like didnt do enough at all with lampooning superhero tropes? like at all???#it would have been so easy to have a standard superhero#movie but just lampoon it the whole time and instead they just… had that movie and like idk#fmcndkfndk like???#one of the few saving graces was in universe acknowledging that deadpool is annoying lol#but yeah generally it had a lot of ELEMENTS of good stuff just. not mixed well together#this truly is the granddaddy of reddit movie tho#like its not le epic win bacon bc thats more early 2010.#this is like. those milennial cookbooks that are hiphopified by just adding swear words. for some reason#torn bc i feel like i should judge ppl for this being so popular but im like not surprised that it would have mass appeal#on the surface i get the appeal of ‘a superhero BUT HE CURSES OOOOH’ and just generally taking things less seriously#it just sucks that the entire rest of the movie takes itself perfectly seriously#but not enough to have weird little annoying plot holes#also cant rly judge the guy who said he loved these movies hes a nerdy 38 yr old mild mannered white man. this was made for him.#this is elder milennial dadsk Wells For Boys
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One thing about canto VI is like. I see so many people predicting it'll be about Fighting Evil Wife or Breaking Codependent Toxic Relationship and I just kinda think that would suck? If the major theme isn't grief AND love and the way both are seen as like Kinda Weird/inappropriate in the setting of the city. Then I'll be very sad.
#bell.txt#not putting it in the tag i dont wanna spam but yes limbus posting yes girls will be thinking about mortal regret#LIKE. LIKE. remember the discourse on twt about how like it was bad writing that yi sang didnt mourn dongbaek etc#and like that was the thing right. thsts not a thing you do in the city. that was part of why roland (who takes lots after wh's themes)#was so exceptional. that is the whole thing about the sickness of the city#to say it in comedia literary criticism terms: sins are split between wrongly-directed love and excess of love with sloth (lack of love)#being an outlier. i think heatho and generally og wh is about excess of love and not wrongly-directed love. it is the thing that lasts#all the way to the other side. it is the shared coffin and meeting again in the next life#i think itd be AWFULLY disappointing to get some boring boring 'they make each other worse' take. being APART due to societal pressures#makes them worse and horribly lonely. death makes them worse baby. so in my mind thats it#we get to see cathy die or still be unreachable in some way and then in very roland style we get furioso mode#and then the ending is about recognizing the love that has in fact been there all along and carrying it with u. and hoping to reunite some#where some other time. NO more slander of that awful girl. YES to the comfort of the memories.#me typing over my foscolo notes like i can surely post about heathcliff really fast and not write a novel in the tags (unaware)#i have more thoughts about this in regards to ruina with xiao and some stuff from leviathan but in the meantime. listen to my ramblings boy#ALSO. considering that implication. he feels for her what queequeg feels for ishy. ARGHH. RIPPING MY HAIR OFF#ok actually its been enough hours to not spam ppl I'll tag it now for blog org. i should maybe have a tag for posting specifically#limbus company
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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ok i literally only did two prompts but thats it for now i will get to the ones in my inbox tomorrow ✌️✌️
#chronic pain rlly be like this tho#i hate feeling like i have to justify taking breaks like. its due to impostor syndrome honestly.#same w putting watermarks or dont repost disclaimers on my art#i didnt do it for a long time cuz i was like eh its not good enough for that#but like it doesnt matter if its good or not its still like... my art and i should safeguard it#what was i talking about again OH YEAH chronic pain#i felt kinda shitty for not being able to draw as much cuz my art feels more simple than rendered stuff#that ppl could churn out in a day#but like. im litrally physically disabled bro and also it doesnt matter how 'simple' i draw its still stress on my body#idk one person was mean to me and it made me sensitive lmao#anyway.... ill draw whats left in my inbox and then afterwards i'll be back to doing requests thru kofi#i did raise the price of my doodles but it is because of my arm pain im sorry if u think my doodles are worth less#but i am willing to negotiate if u genuinely cant afford it depending on complexity
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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Do you think if I wish hard enough my mom will get electrocuted by a string of Christmas lights and just go up in a cloud of smoke. It’d be a Christmas miracle
#I’m not even DOWN THERE YET and I want to fucking KILL HER#I have to work Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. I live four hours away from my family#I told her this MANY TIMES I said I’ll drive down after work on Christmas Eve be there Christmas morning but I need to leave by 3-4 to get#home at a reasonable hour so I can have time to unpack/catch up on a couple days of chores/get plenty of sleep#she called me last night and told me she didn’t schedule Christmas stuff until SIX PM#and when I said why tf did you do that I’m not staying that late#she got mad and upset and was like ‘it’s the only time everyone is free :(‘#BUT THEN proceeded to tell me we were having lunch with her HUSBAND’S family at noon#(ppl I am not close with never have been literally don’t talk to)#and everyone I know is like ‘just leave when you said you were going to anyways’#and like yeah I could but then my family is gonna be ENRAGED that I didn’t do Christmas stuff with them#and they’re like ‘well explain that your mom didnt listen to when you said you needed to leave’#but the thing is. no matter what. they’re going to take her side#I should sacrifice my time and comfort to spend time with them because they’re FAMILY#never mind that literally not a SINGLE ONE OF THEM has EVER come up to visit me#IM always expected to drive down there. but that sacrifice doesn’t count it’s not good enough#but if I stay that late I won’t be getting home until AT LEAST midnight or later#cuz my family has no fucking concept of time so if it starts at six that means it doesn’t ACTUALLY start until 7 so most of them might be#there by 8 so I’ll be expected to stay until at least 10 to sufficiently catch up with all of them#I’m going to scream I’m going to cry#if I leave early I’m the awful ungrateful terrible bitch who never comes to see any of them#but none of them could adjust their days by just a few hours to see me before I needed to leave#FOR MY FUCKING JOB !!!!!!!! SOMETHING COMPLETELY OUT OF MY CONTROL#and like the thing is. my piece of shit manipulative bitch mother#I KNOW she did this on purpose#I know she didn’t plan this until six to FORCE me to stay longer because she was mad I wasn’t staying long#(again… because of work… something I can’t control)#so she’s orchestrated this to put me in this position#where I have to suck it up and stay and be exhausted and have tired migraines for a week cuz I get only a couple hours of sleep and then#or leave and make everyone pissed. I hate her so FUCKING much
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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