#this is specifically about the number of posts ive seen complaining about the straightness (which i GET i do i love the gay spock reading)

[loudfederationscreeching]

going to be so totally honest, im willing to sit through ANY amount of spock straightness love triangle subplots as long as SNW keeps up the 'giving compelling characterization to female characters' energy because holy shit how incredible has this season been so far? uhura, la'an, number one, chapel, and ortegas have all had iconic spotlight arcs where they just Do Shit, who even cares about spock at this point (and im saying this as someone who chronically and autistically Cares About Spock)

[maxellminidisc]

Can yall please stop putting worth-beyond-a-number-scale on my dash, especially on posts revolving fat bodies? Like she claim to be fat positive and stuff but like she has MULTIPLE, MUUULTIPLE instances of either using other marginalized people as props against fatphobia (mainly PoC/Black people, specifying both because she's either specifically vaguely mentioned poc or mentioned Black people in particular, and physically disabled people) or has just straight up been blatantly ableist or racist, once again, alarmingly antiblack.

To me that's an indication that the only fat bodies she gives a fuck about are fat white able bodied ones. Multiple people have written call outs for this and if you have any experience with her, she leaves these types of comments in people's notes constantly, most recently one ive seen and argued with her about is one in which she was complaining that more people make OCs of color/Black ocs than fat ones...

[kuromichad]

different subject that’s heavy on my mind rn but since i’m already being harsh let’s get into it. i wish it wasn’t automatically presumed to be some kind of truscum attitude when someone tries to express that different parts of The Trans Community have like, different needs and different risk levels and different experiences and that we have the ability to talk over each other, harm each other, etc... like when i put it that way people generally are like ‘of course that’s true!’ but is it ever really understood in practice? a number of people (not a large enough number, but still) are able to loosely understand ‘you can be trans and transphobic’ when it’s applied to the matter of transmisogyny but when a trans person tries to express distrust of or frustration with afab nb people due to how common it is that that category of person will, despite being trans/nb, espouse bioessentialist, anti-medical-transition, radfem-adjacent if not outright cryptoterf rhetoric, suddenly ‘trans people can be transphobic’ gets applied to... the person with a complaint about transphobia. 

because he’s clearly an evil truscum man! regardless of if the person making the complaint is a trans man or trans woman, oops, lol. he’s a bad person who is attacking and invalidating and totally hatecriming the heckin’ valid, equally at-risk transgender identity of “an afab woman who isn’t a woman except when she pointedly categorizes themself as a woman because being afab makes them a woman who is ‘politically aligned’ with women but she’s not an icky unwoke cis woman because they don’t like being forced into womanhood although Really When You Think About It 🤔 all women are dysphoric because obviously the pathologized medical diagnosis of gender dysphoria in transgender people is something that equally applies to cis women just default existing under patriarchy 🤔, and no, equating these things totally does not imply anything reductive about or add a bizarre moral dimension to the idea of being transgender, whaaaaat, this woman who isn’t a woman doesn’t think there’s anything immoral or cowardly or misogynist or delusional about being transgender, they would never say that because THEY’RE transgender, except when she feels it’s important (constantly) to make clear that she’s Still A Woman Deep Down Inherently Despite Not Identifying As One, and none of this ever has any effect on how they treat the concept, socially and politically, of people who actually wholly identify with (and possibly medically transition to) a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth, be it ‘the opposite gender’ or abstaining from binary gender altogether or ‘politically aligning’ with the ‘opposite’ gender from their asab. never ever!”

and like maybe that sounds like a completely absurd and hateful strawman to you! but in that case you’re either like, lucky, or optimistic, or ignorant. i’m literally not looking at random nb people and declaring that in My Truscum Opinion they’re ‘really a woman’ just because they’re not medically transitioning or meeting some arbitrary standard of mine. i am looking at self-identified afab nb people, who most often use she/they because, y’know, words mean things, especially pronouns, so people who are willingly ‘aligned with womanhood’ typically intentionally use she/her (sorry that i guess that’s another truscum take now!!! that pronouns mean things!!! the bigender transmasc who deliberately uses exclusively he/him wants it to invoke a perception he’s comfortable with!), who actively say the things listed above (in a non-sarcastic manner). 

like, the line between a person who says “i don’t claim to really not be my asab because i know no one would ever perceive me as anything else” because theyve internalized a defeatist attitude due to societal transphobia, and a person who says that because they... genuinely believe it’s impossible/ridiculous/an imposition to truly be transgender (in the traditional trans sense, beyond a vague nb disidentification with gender) and are actively contributing to the former person’s self loathing... is hard to define from a distance! i think plenty of people who are, in a sense, ‘tentative’ or like ‘playing close to home’ so to speak in their identity are ‘genuinely trans’ (whatever that may mean) and just going through a process. they might arrive at a different identity or might just eventually stop saying/believing defeatist stuff, who knows. but there are enough people saying it for the latter reason, or at least not caring if they sound that way, that it’s like, dangerous. it is actively incredibly harmful to other trans people. and it’s fucking ridiculous that it’s so difficult to criticize because you’ll always get the defense of “umm but i’m literally trans” and/or “well i’m just talking about ME, this doesn’t apply to other trans people” when it’s an attitude that very clearly seeps into their politics and the way they discuss gender.

because it’s just incredibly common for afab nb people (most typically those that go by she/they! since i’m aware that uh, i am also afab nb, but we clearly are extremely different, so that’s the best categorization i’ve got) to discuss gender in moralized terms, with the excuse of patriarchy/misogyny existing, which of course adds another difficult dimension to trying to criticize this because it gets the response of “don’t act like misandry is real” (it’s not, but being a dick still is) and “boohoo, let women complain about their oppressors” (this goes beyond ‘complaining’). a deliberate revocation of empathy/sympathy/compassion from men and projection of inherently malicious/brutish/cruel intent onto men (not solely in the justified generalizations ‘men suck/are dangerous’, but in specific interactions too) underpin a whole fucking lot of popular posts/discussions online, whether they’re political or casual/social, and it absolutely influences how people conceptualize and feel about transness. 

because ‘maleness is evil’ is still shitty politics even when you’ve slightly reframed it from the terf ‘trans women are evil because they’re Really Men and can never escape being horrific soulless brutes just as women can never escape being fragile morally superior flowers’ to the tumblr shethey “trans women who are out to me/unclockable are tolerable i guess because they’re women and women are good; anyone i personally presume to be a cis man, though, is still automatically evil, and saying trans men are Just As Bad is progressive of me, and it’s totally unrelated and apolitical that i think we should expand the concept of afab lesbianism so broadly that you can now be basically indistinguishable from trans men on literally every single level except for a declaration of ‘but i would never claim to be a man because i’m secure in the Innate Womanhood of the body i was born into, even as i medically alter that body because it causes me great gendered discomfort.’ none of this at all indicates that i feel there’s an immense moral/political gap between being an afab nb lesbian vs a straight trans man! it says nothing at all about my concept of ‘maleness’ and there’s no way this rhetoric bleeds into my perception of trans women and no way loudly talking about all this could keep trans people around me self-loathing and closeted, because i’m Literally Trans and Not A Terf!”

again, if that sounds like a hateful strawman, sorry but it’s not. i guess i’m supposed to be like ‘all of the many people ive seen saying these shitty things is an evil outlier who Doesn’t Count, and it’s not fair to the broad identity of afab shethey to not believe that every person who doesn’t outright say terfy enough things is a perfectly earnest valid accepting trans person who’s beyond criticism’ but like. this cannot be about broad validation. this can’t be about discarding all the bad apples as not really part of the group. we can’t be walking on eggshells to coddle what are essentially, in the end, Cis Feelings, because in the best cases this kind of rhetoric comes from naive people who are early and uncertain in their gender journey or whatever and are in the process of unraveling internalized transphobia, and in the easily observable worst cases these people are very literally redefining shit so that ‘actually all afab women are trans, spiritually, all afabs have dysphoria, we are all Equally oppressed by Males uh i mean cis men <3’ because, let’s be honest, they know that the moment they call themselves trans they get to say whatever they want about gender no matter how harmful it is to the rest of us. and those ideas spread like wildfire through the afab shethey “woman that’s not a woman” community that frankly greatly outnumbers other types of trans people online, because many of those people just do not have the experiences that lead you to really understand this shit and have to push back against concepts of gender that actively harm you as a trans person.

like that’s all i want to be able to say, is Things Are Different For Different Groups. and a willful ignorance of these differences leads to bad rhetoric controlling the overall discourse which gets people hurt. and even when concepts arise from it that seem positive and helpful and inclusive, in practice or in origin those ideas can still be upholding shit that gets other people hurt. like, i don’t doubt that many people are very straightforwardly happy and comfortable with an identity like ‘afab nb lesbian on testosterone’ and it would be ridiculous and hypocritical for me, ‘afab nb who wants to pass as a guy so he can comfortably wear skirts again,’ to act like that’s something that can’t or shouldn’t exist. it’s not about the identity itself, it’s about the politics that are popular within its community, and how the use of identities as moral labels with like, fucking pokemon type interactions for oppression effectiveness which directly informs the moral correctness of your every opinion and your very existence, is a shitty practice that gets people hurt and leads us to revoke empathy from each other.

like. sorry this is all over the place and long and probably still sounds evil because i haven’t thought through and disclaimered every single statement. but i’m like exhausted from living with this self-conscious guilt that maybe i’ve turned into a horrible evil truscum misogynist etc etc due to feeling upset by this seemingly inescapable approach to gender in lgbt/online circles that like, actively harms me, because when i vent with my friends all the stuff i’ve tried to explain here gets condensed down to referencing ‘she/theys’ as a category and that feels mean and generalizing and i genuinely dislike generalizations but the dread i feel about that category gets proven right way too often. it’s just like. this is not truscum this is not misgendering this is not misogyny. this is not about me decreeing that all transmascs have to be manly enough or dysphoric enough and all nbs have to be neatly agender and androgynous or something, i’m especially not saying that nb gender isn’t real lmao or even that it’s automatically wrong to partially identify with your asab; this is not me saying you can only medically transition for specific traditional reasons or that you don’t get a say on anything if you aren’t medically transitioning for whatever reason, now or ever. i just. want to be allowed to be frank about how... when there’s different experiences in a community we should like. acknowledge those differences and be willing to say that sometimes people don’t know what they’re talking about or that what they’re saying is harmful. without the primary concern being whether people will feel invalidated by being told so. because these are like, real issues, that are more important than politely including everyone, because that method is just getting vulnerable people drowned out constantly.

[faggerall]

i don't think they're mad abt ariana specifically, but that pride is being turned in to a concert

ive seen a lot of people writing vague posts about str8s performing at pride. in this case I think its dumb because a number of gay icons (some consider ari one) are straight people, many of which no one complains about when they headline a pride gig. however the manchester pride concert itself is a separate event—meaning you dont have to go to the concert, the parade is free to attend. but pride being turned into a commercial event to make money is a whole other problem of its own and complaints about that are valid and relevant

[whence-the-woody]

2020 

I used to do big, reflective summaries of my year and even tho I am feeling reflective today, I wasn’t able to do that last year and I actually really like the format I went with last year of just listing memz so I’m going wih that. Intention review etc will be in another post. So, my 2020 memories:

Jan

Gearing up to leave a job I hated, packing up my life to move away properly for the first time. Going flat hunting with my mum and my brother and having a literal choice of one

I did Home which I dont really remember so it was probably fine

This was the month the Gallavich wedding aired and gaslit me into believing there was still anything positive about that show/ship. Tbf at the time I was LIVING for it

Cinema kick with Mum including CATS. What a moment. 

Feb

Last day at said crappy job (just weird and awks. I didnt really know how to feel) and starting a new one - everyone was so lovely from the off and even tho I was bored at times I was optimistic

Staying with my brother for a few days, him helping me move in which was all very nice. 

My flat having no hot water for the first week - I only cried about it once. And me having nothing but an air bed for 3 weeks. Not ideal but grateful to have amenities and furniture by the end of the month

I think this was both kareoke night for one persons birthday and a 90s party for another - both excellent nights

People were talking about COVID by the end of the month but I was like pfft we’ve been here before with swine and bird flu, it’ll be all hyped up then go nowhere 

I think I was getting my first allocations by the end of the month which I was grateful for because going from an insane workload to none at all was tricky and I wanted to get going

March

Oh March 2020. How we did not see you coming. 

Before the lockdown even happened I remember people were panic buying. I stocked my freezer a bit, not because I was worried but because so many shelves were empty. All the shops starting looking apocalyptic and I was despairing over how silly everyone was being. You couldn’t get online shops anymore and there was no loo roll to be found - still think thats just so dumb. I had to go to 4 different stores to find oats and was so annoyed, weird little tidbit but I remember it. 

 I remember sitting down on my new furniture - eating a meal I had made, watching John Mulaney and feeling good in my new home - and seeing the Boris announcement. Other countries had already locked down so I had mentioned to my manager that I might have to go home to my Mums if it happened here - she had asked, I didn’t really believe it would. I had arranged for a friend to visit that month and when she cancelled I was like I think everyones being dramatic but okay. Then the 23rd, they announced a lockdown from midnight and I straight away messaged everyone to say I was panicking, asked my manager if I could leave and packed to drive back to Mum’s the next morning. I was in my flat about 6 weeks. 

I know for a fact that March felt like the longest month to ever happen but now I cant remember anything else from it - the announcement was so late in the month, I wasn’t working from Mum’s for that long before April. I think we were told to WFH if we could mid-month but I didn’t. Cant for the life of me now think why it felt so long. I know for those last 2 weeks I was refreshing the news constantly to see what was happening. I was still skeptical and thought the numbers were too low for such drama

April

WFH for real. Excruciating daily calls “to check in”. Working my first cases from home, only on the phone, with no idea what I was doing. Taking turns wearing headphone with Mum because we were both having confidential conversations. 

Walking my pup to get my alloted hour of exercise. Taking regular breaks to go outside - I think this was when there was a heatwave. Eating lunch outside. Sometimes doing weights or yoga during my lunch break - that part was actually pretty great 

Discovering podcasts - especially FDRF. They were the real MVP. 

Still constantly checking the news for updates. 3 weeks turned into 6 and so on and so on. 

I came back to my flat for one of the long weekends. I had accepted that it was going to be longer then 3 weeks and I needed more stuff. I went for a very hot walk through a ghost town - at the time it still seemed like there were too many people about. Still picnics in the park happening. 

Everyone flinching when they say each other and steering well clear. It made you feel tainted even though its what we were suppossed to do. 

Clapping for carers - absolute bullshit placating, hated it. 

Always being left off the list of keyworkers.

Still feeling like yeah its bad but ?? This cant go on forever 

A year of build up to a move then the rug was pulled out from under me, I tried not to complain because others had it so so much worse but it was hard. Is hard. 

We watched all of Location, all of Marvel, Bake off etc etc. I cried when Tony Stark died. 

I went back through my ENTIRE tumblr. I realised how little had changed really, it was very existential. 

May 

I had to come back to my new city because I was on a duty rota for 2 weeks. I was actually very excited and had a good time. I got to see people IRL!! Including some I was working with. It was definately a heatwave at that point - we were swealtering in our cars and full PPE but I was so glad to be out and about and back in the city. Putting a face and proper clothes on again was very weird

I dont remember anything else from May specifically. I think March and April lasted 10 years but then May June July were a blink. I think I had accepted how bad everything was by that point, I had stopped looking at the News for updates. I think this is where zoom started to be a thing maybe. 

June

Honestly not a clue. I was between My place and Mum’s because of the duty rota. I don’t think I came back FT until end of June. I know things were starting to open up again and it was all moving far too fast - I definately wasnt going to run out to the gym or pub but alot of people were. We were suppossed to go on holiday for a week this month, with my brother and the dogs but obvs that was cancelled - it was such a lovely place as well, shame. 

Yoga was still random but I did a weight workout every day this month which was great

July

Turning 25. I was definately back in the city FT, going back into work. My Mum came to stay in my place for the first time. My brother came over too. We went for a walk, had a picnic in the rain then ate cake back at mine. My Mum got me a microwave for my birthday because Im AN ADULT

For my birthday also me and my Mum watched Hamilton for the first time. This then took over my entire life and was played at all hours of the day 

Kept going with daily weight workouts, moved up another set. I think this is where I re-did Revolution

August

Ready to start socialising again. More restrictions were being lifted too quickly which I knew but also I had to GTFO

A friend came to stay with me for the weekend. Hes not very mobile so we couldnt do much - went for a short walk into town, sat by the river and got severely sunburned. We went to a restaurant for the first time in 6 months - I had pancakes. I made him watch Hamilton which he did not appreciate enough. Also watched Truman show for the first time while eating burritos - what a mindfuck that movie is I mean really

Went for a very long very hot walk with a friend all around the fields surrounding the city. We stopped for a drink and cake halfway, more drinks were then had in her garden. This was our first time hanging out alone and it was really lovely, we spent much more time together after that. Shes probably who Ive seen the most this year. 

A couple of weeks after that we went for bottomless brunch, followed by I think 3 or 4 other bars. The joys of getting day drunk. 

I think this was the month I started using friend/dating apps and got OBSESSED. They’re just so silly and judgey and fun, I love it. 

My 6 month tenancy ran out which I chose to renew. I started negotiations with my landlord for a pet agreement. 

I think this is where I re-did Dedicate. I think weight workouts fell off a little bit because I was pretty busy. Instead of running started doing 3 walks a week which was nice. 

September

First time hanging out with more then one person - did a Hamilton viewing party with 4 of us. There were american themed snacks, it was great. Not a boozy night which was needed. I think I then went for coffee with 2 of the girls this month. 

First time meeting up with 2 girls I met on an app - I’m still friendly with one, not the other. It was mostly a good time and I’m very proud to have done it but then drunken politics came up and it got AWKWARD. 

Nagging and nagging and nagging my landlord until she signed the pet agreement and LET ME GET A CAT

My obsession with apps was replaced with a cat shelter/app obsession. It was very frustrating because I wanted to rescue and they make it very hard so I eventually found a for sale ad and contacted them - it was a rescue though as far as I’m concerned, she was in a horrible situation for an “owner” who had no clue and had only had her for a couple weeks before giving up and putting her up for sale. I rescued her okay. I think it was 3 or 4 weeks after getting agreement that I went to pick her up. So getting everything ready for her was a big part of this month

I did manage to fit in a 5 day holiday. It was suppossed to be solo travel abroad but ended up being a Mon-Fri with family. We did some NT walks it was nice.

Then it was literally that weekend my brother drove me to Wales to pick up my new fur baby. Instantly fell in love obviously and my whole life became about her from that point on. They told me she was really timid and scared, she had been hiding in her current place, but I was so impressed with how curious and confident she is. She was wary at first, a bit flinchy, didnt like being petted with 2 hands, didnt like loud noises, wouldnt come on the bed or sofa, wouldnt come into the living room really. I put child locks on alot of doors but shes not mischivous so its never really been an issue. She loved to play from the get go and did come to me for a fuss from day one. I adore her basically. The first time she jumped on the sofa, sat next me on the bed, slept on my bed, let me stroke her with 2 hands, her first vet trip, every little first and win has always been a massive victory, Im a v proud mama. She was no name for a few days but quickly somehow became my Myshka (the whole long list I had went quickly out the window somehow)

Did some more regular yoga. Tried to do 5 weight workout a week but it was a bit random. Walks fell off because of anxiety over leaving the cat. 

October

Alot of WFH to be with the cat. Definately obsessed. 

We had our team day on a farm, that was lovely

Saw my friend for Halloween - watched Hocus Pocus for the first time, had cocktails, watched a boring horror movie then Rocky Horror which is just exceptional. Lockdown 2.0 was announced but we were tipsy and over it. 

A very stressful month work-wise, lots of deadline, threat of Ofsted, management changes, admin changes, not getting enough sleep because work stress and struggling with productivity. My health suffered a bit too because I didnt have time for lunchtime exercise anymore. 

November

Technically there was a lockdown but it felt no different because everyone was still in school and work, I dont think people even tried this time. 

The election, refreshing the results constantly. I fully expected a T win and was happy when he didnt but still disappointed at how close it was, as was everyone 

I bought my first Christmas tree and my own decs. Christmas shopping obvs. 

I downloaded Tiktok and started to question far too much about my identity. its ongoing. 

Most important was SUPERNATURAL. I had alot of feelings, it was an absolute rollercoaster my god. What a time to be alive that was. 

A couple of outside coffees in the park which is always nice. I went to a new friend’s house for tea and met their dog, also nice. 

I did a SV for the first time in a very long time and it reminded me of everything I used to hate about my old job, so happy to have left there

Test weekend taking the cat to stay with the family dogs, she did great, shes a champ

December

Pretty standard Christmas month. Had a christmas movie night with themed snacks and hot chocolate with one friend. Had another friend come for the day to do the same - first time I had seen her in a year after 3 cancellations, that was very lovely

Constant restriction changes and crappy government pissing me off but it didnt affect my plans luckily

All the Tier 2, Face Hands Space signs feeling very dystopian

Brother’s 30th plans got cancelled coz COVID. Back up NYE plans got cancelled got COVID. Actual NYE was fine tho the normal show/song/crowd was cancelled coz of course COVID 

OVERALL

Not so good shit

I mean the whole thing in general yknow

Alot of plans couldn’t go ahead - various groups I wanted to join, a new gym, more nights out with more people, more chances to meet new people ETC

My diet has been an inconsistet shit show BUT TFB there were months where you couldnt predict what was going to be on the shelves, you couldnt get orders and the whole world felt so pointless and dark like why even care about that shit yknow

My exercise also wasnt consistent though I dont feel too bad about it. I was always doing something I feel like even if it was just walking

Ive ended the year with the same amount of savings I started with which isnt exactly bad since I moved and furnished a flat and got a new pet but it isnt great

I hate WFH with a burning passion and im worried the world has accepted that as a new normal and im not okay with it

None of this shit is over yknow

Just a general hopelessness is the face of big world things yknow. Theres really nothing we can do about it, just gotta ride that wave and vote when ya can

No travel - I had such plans!!

Good shit

My new fur baby who I love and adore beyond sanity

Starting a good job in a great city with lovely people

Growing so much in confidence because Fuck it, everything is pointless anyway and theres no point in planning or caring so imma just do me

Exploring so much of who I am through new relationships, my own environment, little things like exploring my style, picking up old hobbies, trying new routines and habits

Strengthening some friendships and maintaining others despite the insane obstacles

Maintaining a positive relationship with My Mum in particular, and my whole family

Trying new things in my new city. Still managing nights out, a somewhat proper birthday and a short trip

No actual mental breakdowns which this year feels like a win. My mental health is actually in such a better place then it was this time last year. The job was killing me, thank fuck I got out when I did 

I redid more then 1 30 day programs and did 2 straight months of weights 

My family, friends and I are all safe and well 

Music of the year:

Hamilton

An awful lot of Panic! 

Anyone - DL

Partition (idk dont question me)

Basically alot of drama while trying to hold on to both my emo and club days - fuck I miss clubbing yall. I dont even like clubbing. 

Media of the year:

I should acknowledge Shameless even though I came full circle on it and have now fully abandoned the whole thing and prefer my own AU where Milkoviches get what they deserve 

Schitts Creek

Supernatural 

Hamilton obvs

Marvel technically, it was alot of hours

Staged

Derry Girls

Pose

The Old Guard

Pride - which is not new but we watched it on Christmas eve and I cried in my mums lap okay 

Ship of the year has to be Destiel I mean standing ovation for that rage inciting moment followed by a solid month of absolute chaotic good, it was glorious in its destruction. 

2021 INTENTIONS TO FOLLOW