#and depressive episodes where i cannot get out of bed genuinely

[pineaplesoooodaaaaa]

me being turkish and this being really common:

yea...

thought this was neat

[veilfires]

I read so much advice for dealing with depression and not a single one of them mentions making a Down Bad Bag (depression bag) so I’m going to make a guide here because it’s been the most helpful thing I’ve ever done. The thing about a Down Bad Bag is that you have to build it when you have a bit more energy (so this won’t help if you’re currently having a depressive episode but it WILL help as prep for future ones).

What’s a Down Bad Bag?

Simple! It’s a bag full of things that will help you take care of yourself when you can’t get out of bed. I highly suggest keeping it by your bedside- it’s saved my life I’m pretty sure.

What do I put in my Down Bad Bag?

Baby wipes. If you’re depressed, all the steps involved with showering are likely too much, but not showering makes you feel worse. Baby wipes can be used while lying down in bed under your clothes and, if you can’t do your whole body, you can do the critical areas.

Granola bars, clusters, small snacks that will keep. You need to eat and I’ve found that granola balls/clusters are the easiest to eat in bed. They also have a good ratio of “energy provided” to “amount eaten”.

Disposable travel toothbrush. They make toothbrushes with toothpaste for airplane travel that don’t require any water. You can literally bust open a pack and do this in bed, no spitting required.

Water bottles. I cannot tell you how much my inability to drink water was related to my inability to get up. Having a few bottles of water in the bag meant I wasn’t spending my downswing dehydrated. It also helps with the next bullet

Meds. Any meds you have to take should be in this bag unless they need to be refrigerated/specifically stored. If you also have ADHD too like me, this also helps you remember where you put the damn things.

Favorite something. This can be anything, but having something in the bag that brings me joy even if I can’t feel it right now just… is comforting.

There are going to be days when you can’t do any or all of these activities and that’s okay, but having this stuff on hand can provide a way of taking care of yourself without expending energy you don’t have. Restocking my bag when I’m feeling slightly better has genuinely improved the quality of my life when I’m not okay at all, and I’m just hoping it can help someone else.

[twistedwonderlandobsession]

Hello!! Could I request a match up? :)

I am non binary and use she/they pronouns; I am about 1,65 meters tall (I believe that’s 5‘5 feet?) with long, layered blond hair, very pale skin (like seriously, I am very close to paper white) and greyish-blueish eyes (like a stereotypical German hahaha)

Personality wise, I am ambivert; I absolutely adore Partys, especially village party’s, they hit different, and to hang out with friends a lot, but need an equal amount of alone time to recharge! I tend to usually have a lot of energy, despite always being really tired, and can get easily exited about the littlest things (like seeing a cat, or a store having my favourite snack in shop!) but I’ll admit that I’ll cry just as easily, even over stuff like a sad Poem or seeing a character, even if I don’t necessarily like them, suffer even in the slightest. I try to be the best version of myself that I can be, but I live by two very specific rules: treat others how you want to be treated, and treat others how they treat you. I will treat everybody with kindness and respect when first meeting, if they don’t return the favor, I’ll treat them exactly how they treat me (this includes teachers and old people). I am also very ambitious, I already have my future planned, and do my best to be good in school! I’m not the best with written exams but I always have an A for anything oral :)

I do have depression, because of which I struggle to properly take care of myself, and have days were I cannot even leave my bed, and it makes it hard for me to stay on top of things; my room is almost always a mess and I often have to do homework and similar last minute to avoid my grates falling. It’s not that I enjoy my room being a mess, in fact I hate it, but I am genuinely physically unable to clean it. Because of that, there are days where I’ll cancel last minute or I’ll act down the whole time, because of an especially bad episode; i also have trouble texting people first in fear of annoying them. I almost forgot, I also have insomnia because of it :,)

I also have highly suspected autism(can’t get diagnosed at the moment :[) so I’m very peculiar about my interests and the way stuff is; I hate doing group works because I already have a whole plan in my head on how I wanna do it. While I understand basic sarcasm and jokes, if I’m jokingly insulted or the sarcasm isn’t really obvious, I’ll take it seriously and to heart, and it can make me cry and/or avoid that person. This also means that I can go for hours talking about my interest, but the moment something doesn’t necessarily interest me and I don’t view it as important (like my Spanish lessons) i will just zone out

Hobby’s wise I’m a very creative person! I do paint occasionally, but it isn’t necessarily my hobby of choice;

I love to write! I currently have two books I’m working on, both thriller, that I’ll tell anyone that will listen about

I love acting and dancing: I’ve been apart of a musical group for quite a while now and ADORE it, especially acting!! Can’t say I’m much of a singer tho

Fashion design, I love designing and sewing my own clothes! So far I only know the basics but I am actively trying to learn more!!

Later in life I do want to do one of these full time; wether it is being an actress, an author or a designer doesn’t matter to me.

For icks, I cannot for the live of me be with someone who smokes; I have sensory issues and am sensitive to smells, not to mention I have already lost multiple people to smoking, so it’s an absolute deal breaker. I’m ok with drinking, I drink too, just not excessively

I need someone who is openly affectionate with me, wether through touch or words, and is okay with me being physically affectionate!

Also, please no Lillia, that man is a father figure to me haha

I think that’s it- thanks in advance and sorry for how long this got!!

I match you with Cater Diamond

The First Impression:

Honestly, Carter thought that you were cute your general enthusiasm about even the smallest of things made you super enjoyable.

Why He Fell:

Cater didn't fall for a while, trust, no matter how open or friendly this ginger may appear, there was always a distance he put between everyone. Even the closest of friends weren't all that close to him, knowing next to nothing about his childhood or upbringing. Though you had somehow managed to get beyond all that.

It was your kindness and respect for his boundaries that caused him to fall. Seriously. All of his life, the people around him (aka his sisters) have always forced their interests, likes, lifestyle and more onto him, pushing his boundaries and forcing him to do stuff he didn't want to do so to meet someone who one of their main goals was specifically respecting people was....nice

The Relationship:

When Cater had asked you out he had presented it in a playful lighthearted joking way to mask his way too deep feelings for you- after all how embarrassing would that be if he gave you his heart and soul aka actually expressed his feelings and you said no.

...but apparently you had said yes.

So now here you were, and Cater made sure to make it enjoyable. Constantly sending you magicgram videos of cute couple activities, ans surprisingly, he actually took you to places and did activities with you. The eye color bracelet trend, making cute little pottery together, painting, taking you to the latest trendiest restaurants and cafes on dates, study dates, movie nights, self care nights all the cute couple stuff. He totally gets it when your depression starts acting up and dose his best to help, having self care nights were he will convince you to take a bath with the cutest bath bombs ge you a change of clothes and a towl before gently shoving you into the bathroom and locking the door refusing to let you out till you shower or bathe. Don't think he was just sitting around waiting- oh no. He was cleaning your room for you hoping that it would help you feel better when you get out. Once you came out till fully dressed he sat you down drying your hair and doing your whole skincare routine for you. If you ever are feeling down and don't care for yourself properly cay-cay has you covered.

He loves all your hobbies and would love it if you allow him to watch or do it with you. He is also very encouraging of whatever you want to do as a hobby or a career-

In the beginning of the relationship, he treated it very casually in the "may as well enjoy it while it lasts before they eventually leave" but the further it went and the more time you spent together he was slowly becoming more hopeful and open at the idea of this being a permanent arrangement.

[neplistens]

I kinda want to yap about how i view miguel,

I loveee the idea of him resembling him mom a lot and him having slightly lighter hair than her that he inherited from his father, and moles that he also inherited from his father, but miguels hair,skin,eyes, face shape, body type is all from his mom

For example

Heres a wip of miguel im working on, hair and lips,nose, and jaw are all derived from conchata.

I think miguel has much thicker eyebrows than their mom but only because Conchata is a chronic eyebrow plucker and keeps hers very thin and groomed.

Miguel does inherit some traits from his father, being his slightly lighter hair and moles and small freckles on her face.

What makes me sad is, i genuinely yearn for miguel having a loving family, a broken one, but loving all the same.

I feel like miguels story would be so much more heart wrenching if rather than just having two blatantly abusive parents. He has a workaholic emotionally unavailable father, a father that is great when hes around, but is at work far too often to be known by his wife and children.

And a mother, who is extremely emotionally dependent on her children, especially miguel for her emotional needs, conchata who has episodes of deep depression where she cannot get out of bed, where miguel must stand up and take care of the house, his mom, and his little brother.

Miguel who has to act like a father to his family, miguel who has to act like a mother to his family, miguel who has to act like a child for his parents, even though he has felt far from a child for years.

His mother is so loving when she can be, brushing his hair, making him snacks of cut up fruit and his favorite crackers. But when she cant be miguel feels squashed under the weight of tucking her into bed, reassuring her that she is safe, and becoming a mother for yet another week. Even though he has just only entered Highschool.

His father sleeps at work most nights, but miguel always makes enough dinner in case his father returns at a decent hour. If not, miguel eats his fathers portions in the morning, trying to fill the empty feeling in his stomach. It doesnt work.

Yet miguel isnt mad, he cant be mad. He cant complain. His mother is sick. And his father works so hard just to be able to support this family. miguels family.

His parents have never done anything to hurt him intentionally, they are the kindest, sweetest people Miguel has ever met.

But they shouldn’t have been parents.

[inkrabbit]

Bad headspace hcs

Hi. Welcome back to me ignoring my finals.

Warnings: Mentions of grave robbing, mentions of corpses, mentions of schizophrenia, depression, and eating disorder, violence

Mary Goore:

This is where the weird and sick fantasies happen

They'll visit the cemetery more and dig up some graves

Mainly they'll rob and/or sketch the skeleton or even decayed body that's inside the casket

Sometimes they'll go further, but that's depending on if the voices are acting up again

Mary deals with residual schizophrenia and sometimes forgets to take his medication please get them a fucking daily pill counter jfc he needs help

When they're in this headspace, you're best off to just leave him alone. Mary becomes more unpredictable and even violent due to the intrusive thoughts that won't shut up and heightened paranoia

This episode typically lasts a few days, but on the off chance it's particularly bad, it could be up to a month

Just let them reach out to you whenever they're ready

"Sorry I've been MIA for a while. The voices wouldn't stfu. Wanna hang out later?"

DD Sars

Swings between manic episodes to becoming a hermit for a while

Probably needs antidepressants but doesn't have any

He couldn't stand the side effects from his old prescription but ended up changing insurance before he could ask for a new prescription

Was told he was fine and didn't need any medication from a nurse, then told to come back to the hospital if he felt bad again

Absolutely doesn't trust doctors now and refuses to ask them for help with both his depression and eating disorder

"I'm fine." said with a forced and angry smile

You can interact with DD and he'll genuinely tell you what's wrong. He worries a lot so he's grateful if you let him vent for a bit

Promises to try and eat more and take care of himself but will 100% admit when he's too tired to even get out of bed

Doesn't want you to worry about him but he appreciates the concern

G. Grotesque

He'll start digging up graves but not for the same reason as Mary

Normally, G. suffers alone and silently, but sometimes he bottles up his emotions too much and suddenly everything bursts out at once

Refuses to admit anything is wrong to anyone (DD's the only one that can trick him into talking)

But when it gets too bad, G. will dig up a grave just so he can stab a body repeatedly

Doesn't stop until he physically cannot keep going

If you catch him doing this, he absolutely breaks down sobbing in your arms

"I can't take it anymore! It hurts!"

He'll let you take him home and coddle him because he's too drained to do anything else

He'll feel better in a couple days after entirely breaking down. He just has to calm down for a bit

E. Forcas

Stays home and actually stops speaking

Everything takes too much energy and he's too busy fighting for his fucking life to verbally talk

Please only ask him yes or no questions. It's easier for him to nod or shake his head

Doesn't act out at all like the others but there's a distinct look in his eyes

Thousand yard stare all the way. If you come over, he'll just look in your direction but not at you

Doesn't mind if you watch movies with him or even cuddle, but he's just going to be silent for the entire stay

When he does get enough energy, he'll finally look you in the eye. Still doesn't entirely focus on you, but it's a step in the right direction

"Could you spend the night with me? I don't wanna be alone anymore."

Please stay with him for a while. The company helps more than he'll ever let on

[woodsfae]

Babylon 5 S02E12: Acts of Sacrifice Table of Contents • previous episode

work went from '''part time''' to "hit 40 hrs by thursday and work 10-12 hrs every day" and that felt like I was about to do myself a post-surgery injury so I quit and have been back in bed resting. fucking bummer, dude.

But, back to B5!!

Space battle for a strong opening!

oof, war crimes out the ass. The Centauri government/military just love killing civilians. And words cannot express how supportive I am of G'Kar showing anyone and everyone video proof of their war crimes.

:( :( G'Kar is fighting so hard for his people. And no one will help. Average government behavior :( :(

The Centauri's justifications are frequent ones I've heard pulled out about the USA;s imnperialism. Well deserved, an excellent blow, and depressing again at how relevant it continues to be.

The Lumati being introduced as a new-to-the-humans advanced civilization makes me wonder again how much of the galaxy is explored and mapped. I love it when the worldbuilding draws me in and makes me want to know more about it. Some series, when I wonder about things it's because the story doesn't make sense in some way.

Sheridan's idea of diplomatic training seems to be to tell Ivanova to handle it with the information and knowledge she already has. Love that for her, hah.

G'Kar's diplomatic style has dramatically shifted - he has always been interesting but he's becoming more compelling.

Ugh, Londo. Petty suffering isn't enough for him right now.

That's a fucked-up stance for Sheridan to take, tbh. Do better, guy.

Petter suffering all around! It was slick work by Ivanova to steer the Luminary into the tour she already had planned for them, but has got to be painful dealing with them on the tour anyway.

Aww, is Londo feeling ostracized? Left out? Sucks to suck.

Only at episode 12 and tensions are this high already.

It genuinely sucks for G'Kar that he just doesn't have allies on any side. His own people on board the station are bound and determined to see his diplomatic efforts sunk.

Damn, the bartender is really rubbing it in! I do not feel bad for Londo that he was stood up.

Really super lame way of connecting with the Luminary. Your late stage capitalism has created a disempowered underclass. We're impressed!

Way to go, G'Kar. It'll be good for him to win a battle.

Their love can bloom while making clandestine deals. It's a good look on both of them.

Man, G'Kar is gonna do whatever it takes to preserve the little aid he's getting. I want so much better for him and the Narns.

Well, no idea where Ivanova got that idea. I thought she'd offer them a hearty handshake.

Ugh, grossest way to be a little less violently murderous, Londo. Makes me so glad that victory tastes bitter to him.

next!

[altocat]

Same anon who just finished AMT here! Two questions for you, one way more serious than the other. One, do you think things might have gone differently in any noticeable way if Jenova actually loved Sephiroth as much as he loves her, the way a mother is supposed to? Two, I need to know more about the parallel universe where Sephiroth adopts Slate! What’s their relationship like? Does he let her sleep on the bed? Does he toss her table scraps because he can’t resist her puppy eyes?

I love when people ask fic-specific questions hhhhh 😭

-I'm not sure if Jenova is capable of love. At least not on a human level. But let's say she did--that doesn't stop Sephiroth's increasingly unhinged vendetta against humanity. In AMT, Jenova ultimately manipulates Sephiroth and completely breaks down his ego in the library. But even if she hadn't, I think there's enough bitterness and rage inside of Sephiroth, coupled with his own descent into full madness, that would have brought about disastrous results. He probably would have only targeted Shinra specifically, but he'd still succumb to his insanity.

Jenova genuinely loving him might be good at soothing a lot of his anger, allowing him to feel some level of restraint and completion without the crazed delusions of grandeur. But he'd also still devote himself to her and only her, shutting people away and no longer viewing himself as human.

-SLATE! Sephiroth's favorite pupper. Sephiroth is basically madly in love with her and cannot resist her cute puppy eyes even if he wanted to. He spends literally every second he is not fighting or sleeping petting and fussing over her. And you bet he goes into full mushy baby-talk mode when the others aren't looking! She's his special lady and he spoils her rotten. Table scraps are a must. Three walks a day. Treats. Hour long fetch sessions. And she gets to sleep right next to him every night ❤️

Slate also serves a therapeutic function for Sephiroth, keeping him from having one of his post-lab episodes and balancing out occasional fits of depression. Sephiroth is rarely close to people, so she acts as a means of helping to ease the tension during close social engagements, or even just allowing him to fully express love for another creature without feeling ashamed or vulnerable. He likes rubbing his face in her fur as a kind of sensory calm-down during stressful situations. And she also is trained to guide him whenever one of his episodes renders him shaky or nonverbal.

Sephiroth is so used to having the things he cares about abandon him or be taken away. Fortunately, Lazard issued a special decree that Sephiroth is fully allowed to have what amounts to a service animal for his own health and personal privilege, as a reward for his services during the war. Even Hojo isn't allowed to go against orders. Thus, Sephiroth finally has something that he can keep. Something that fully loves him and will never leave him.

Seph has fully embraced Dog Dad status. And he will kill you if you even look at her funny.

[1d1195]

Hi Sam!! How are you doing my love?!? I’ve missed you😭 this week has been slightly better, still very busy and lowkey feeling a bit burnt out :( but I think I may be getting out of my depressive episode so that’s good at least HAHA

Anywaysssss I read the time extra and omg it was so heartbreaking but in such a beautiful way! I feel SO much for this Harry like SO much! Like my heart hurts for him but I really appreciate their story! I just wanted to go shout out at him how loved he is by everyone especially the MC! And ugh my heart hurt so much that he thought she would not want to marry him at all😭 and the proposal in their little kitchen was just so adorable?!?!!! It’s so very them and I loved it!! So well done Sam, you never fail to amaze me❤️ and I don’t ever feel bad for not posting anything, you are consistently doing WAY more than enough for us honestly that you deserve to go at a pace where you’ll still be able to enjoy what you do! We will all still be here now matter what!

ILY bestie hope that you are well and are having such lovely days!!!-💜

Oh I'm so glad to hear you're feeling a little better! Even if a bit burnt out. I relate to the burnt out feeling immensely. I hope you find some time to yourself and time to rest. Do you have spring break soon? Any fun plans? Whenever people ask me what I'm doing over break I always say nothing which is EXACTLY what I want to do over break. I don't want to do anything or have any obligations. Also I cannot afford trips and such so it's not really much of a choice. Anyways, I've missed you and I'm glad you're on the mend 💕 just reading what your message you sound better than the last couple times you chatted with me. I hope that's encouraging, too!

I was very grateful to get the idea from one of my sweet anons about this piece, but I was very stressed about it hahahahaha I had essentially 'written' the little series while I was commuting to work over the course of like two or three years as crazy as that sounds. Then when I started writing again I finally got it into actual typed font. But I was in a pretty bad place when I was thinking about it. So it was really nice to write something fluffy and light for this little couple but it was a little hard to get back into the mindset of Harry feeling a bit lost (which I guess is a positive sign for my mental health). I think it was really cute to see their private proposal. I imagine they did the whole dinner thing with their friends and families but I think Harry was a lot calmer knowing the answer ahead of time (even if he's ridiculous for thinking she'd say no).

Thank you so much for your endless kindness towards me and my posting schedule. I'm genuinely considering calling in sick one day this week because I'm simply struggling. I've been feeling very overwhelmed and stretched thin. I don't know if this is a normal amount of things that every other adult has to do or if I'm just being a whiny brat. I never feel like I have time to myself and I feel behind in every aspect of my life. I'm behind at work, I'm behind in my personal health, I'm behind with my chores, need to see my family, and should probs spend some more quality time with my bf. But it's a lot and idk how people do all this all the time. But calling in sick as a teacher just usually means more work for myself in the end so it's probs not worth it and I'll get caught up eventually.

ANYWAYS. Honestly, I'm doing fine. It could be worse, lol I hope you're having a good weekend and really it was the best to see your message and hear you're doing better! I was hoping you would message me soon--I think our brains lined up because I thought about it most of yesterday and then saw your message right before i went to bed 💕💕

LOVE YOU!

xoxo

[catis15]

Haha

I've been skipping classes and am currently failing all but 1 of my classes. Am I failing cuz I'm skipping? Nah, I just did 80% of the past 3 weeks of work in an hour. Turned it all in and got As ans Bs on all of it. The shit I got Bs on is because I half assed it cuz I'm impatient 😅

But the Mother who literally said she doesn't give a shit where I go, doesn't give a shit if I move out and never come back, doesn't give a shit about me because I'm an ungrateful brat she'll be happy to get rid of, is having a meeting with the school tomorrow.

' To figure out how to deal with me because I'm a problem'

She has already told me that in the meeting I will be forced to quit my job and all extracurriculars. I am President of FBLA, vice president of DECA, and an active member of HOSA. I also attend D&D club when I have time for it.

My life will be from home to school back to home.

I have diagnosed depression, anxiety, and ADHD. There is a high chance I also have PTSD and autism.

My mother is not nice to be, hasnt been since I was about 8 or 9 years old.

I am responsible for paying my school bills including supplies, buying my own food, and for my mice's food, bedding, and vet bills. I cannot just not have a job.

And while I'm sure most people are like 'well you shouldn't have skipped' I have insomnia and struggle waking up sometimes when I'm able to actually sleep without waking up every few hours or not being able to sleep at all. I miss my morning class a lot. I spend time with my girlfriend (someone my mother hates and has literally yelled at over the phone before and has begged me to break up with) during some of my afternoon classes because I could do the entire curriculum in a day without studying and get a B. I've been doing this since 7th Grade.

I take that time for myself because I have been on and off suicidal or bad suicidal thoughts since I was 7 to 9 years old (that timeframe is really blurry for me so I am not 100% sure on my age) this time keeps me from living the life I'm about to get again be forced into, where I have no life outside of studying for school and being belittled by my mother every night when I go home. This means I will be living off of ramen, canned soup, and whatever I'm lucky enough that my parents do not want and leave in the fridge. Sometimes they cook. Usually once or twice a week if I'm lucky.

I'm not a great daughter. I will be the first to admit I'm a little fucking asshole, I'm not nice or thoughtful twords anyone but my little sisters and my grandparents. I fully admit I have said horrible things about my family, but I've only ever heard that from them. When it wasn't that it was about how well I do in school and how I need to keep it up keep it up keep it up. Until I collapsed, until I realized getting straight Cs and jeopardizing my academic future was better than that constant pressure. How much freedom can be found in being the family screw up.

I'm left to my art and my business ideas and my relationship. All things my mother has told me are unproductive, and silly, and useless, and going to bring me down from my potential.

There wasn't really a point to all this, but I am genuinely afraid of what my life is about to go back to. For a while I wished I could remember how to just shut up and do as I'm told again, because I can't seem to remember. But now? I'm glad I can because while I might be miserable I'm sure as hell going to fight in any way I can.

My only fear outside of that is how it will affect my girlfriend. She is more emotional and attached than I am. I'm used to being away from family and having relationships torn apart, being in a military family. And while she is used to it too in some ways, it affects her a lot more. I literally cannot get attached like how most people describe. Every time I get close I get a depressive episode and can't feel much of anything for a bit. But I don't get close often, maybe once or twice a year.

There's no point to this, just a personal rant on an account no ppl ik in real life know of :)

I needed to tell someone but don't have anyone to really go to 😅

[thesaltminesrph]

PSA: Be Upfront

Communication is important in RP.

Now, to preface, I am not going to use the really awful phrase "it's a hobby not a jobby" because this is a really sketch take on what is important to people. You can have a hobby mean a lot to you, be you a collector, a gardener, someone that builds model airplanes, a writer, an artist, etc. Those are all hobbies, and the fruits of your labor are NOT only valuable to you and others if you are paid for them. This saying implies that should you never be a published author, never have a painting sell, never do something that can be sold or have a time clock punched, it doesn’t at all matter. It’s a really discouraging thing to be telling people, quite honestly. I have multiple hobbies outside of RP. Kind of really sucks to see constantly they don’t matter because nobody pays me for what I do. I know I’m not the only one who has said this, but the majority aren’t willing to say it amongst the clamoring of ‘rp isn’t a job’ because then you get people jumping down your throat. Hear me out though! I’m not done.

“BUT I HAVE REAL LIFE!”

Yes! So do we all! We all have problems, and things to take care of. The RPC is littered with people with mental illness, neurodivergence, chronic physical illness (I hit all three categories multiple times, LUCKY ME!). Do not, I repeat, do not ever feel like you need to put RP before: bills, marriage/children/other relationships, your health. Literally, do not have your takeaway from this post be these are secondary to your hobby. They are not. Do not get evicted because you were too busy doing RP at your desk at work, that’s just plain dumb af.

You owe people decency means:

-if you can only do aesthetic posts this week because you are low on writing spoons, that’s fine

-if you had work/health/mother-in-law take over you life this week and you literally didn’t have time to log-in even though you wanted to, that’s fine

-if you are sick in bed and can’t bother to write, that’s fine

What it also means:

-dropping what was supposedly a years long ooc friendship because the other mun isn’t dropping their current muse for you and following you into a different fandom ‘because they’re now boring’ and telling them as much in a message...is shitty behavior.

-daily reblogging multiple memes that people are sending in to you, your wire, your discord, ignoring both those and messages to plot, then whining on the dash that no one wants to write with you (also known as trying to guilt trip interaction, obviously you only wanted it from one specific person not the people actively engaging you)...is shitty behavior.

-claiming you’re open for plots and memes, then only replying to the one or two people consistently for 6 months...is shitty behavior.

Again, in case it wasn’t clear- it’s your blog, it’s your life, it’s your health. That’s not in question.

HOWEVER- be upfront and give people some honesty! What do I mean by that?

If it’s feasible, post that you need a writing break, even if it’s going to be indefinite. Take as many fucking breaks as you need to for your physical and mental health to be the best they can be (I’m not going to say great, as I know what it’s like to just have a ‘good’ health day mean ‘it’s less shit than it could be’).

But if the situation is really you only want to write with these one or two people, just say so! It’s your blog, you’re allowed to decide you’re closed for plots, asks, etc. Just don’t lead people on. Don’t say something and mean something else. Don’t keep reblogging your promo and really you don’t want to write,  and you don’t plan on taking on new mutuals, and don’t plan on replying to dms or threads from anyone else.

I’ll repeat it a little differently to be sure it’s clear- you dictate your activity level and number of mutuals, when you answer asks, threads, etc. This should be at a level that is suited for you and your life, health, etc.

BUT when you engage in RP you are involving someone else’s free time with yours, and it is not fair to them to act like they do not matter. You have involved someone else. Until you disengage from them, be courteous.

I’ll give you an example. When you ask for that starter on both your dash, then DMs, and act super hyped, getting the other mun excited for it, and then they put the time and effort into writing it up and posting it for you, expecting a reply? Only for you to go and make new blogs and immediately ditch that muse without a heads-up? That’s not really fair to the other mun. You communicated you wanted to write this, you hyped them up, they spent their time and writing spoons on your starter...and then you told them other people were more exciting and a better use of your time.

“BUT I DIDN’T TELL THEM THAT!”

Okay, so you didn’t message them ‘Hey loser, your starter sucked, your muse is boring, and honestly, a different fandom is better! Bye!’ But your actions sure give that impression, and unless you communicate otherwise, it’s a shitty move.

Now yes, sometimes you genuinely forget a starter was written because you thought it was drafted and it wasn’t, dumblr is an ass and loses your draft and then you forgot it, something came up that day and bumped it from your mind, etc. NONE OF THESE ARE WHAT I AM REFERRING TO. I have ADHD, object permanence is the thing my brain does where often unless it’s directly in front of my face, it doesn’t exist, until I find it again. I’m aware these things happen, as are most muns, and we don’t mind! Hell, we usually have in our rules “hey if it’s been a hot minute and we haven’t replied to this, feel free to give us a little nudge to see if it’s been lost” because we all know between brains and dumblr’s everlasting fuckery...shit gets lost.

I’m talking about those times where you just up and leave someone hanging without communication. I’m also not saying it might even be on purpose. What I’m saying is you should consider how other muns feel when you do this, and if you cannot avoid it, at least communicate with them.

“Hey, I’m just no longer going to be writing this muse. Sorry I had you write that starter. Do you want to try something with this new one? This is where my brain is at right now.” “Hey I really can’t be online this month thanks to fill-in-the-blank but I do still want to write when I am able.” “Hey, I see you sent in that ask. I’m only interested in this one ship, and I won’t be taking on new threads, but you’re welcome to follow and maybe I’ll take on new threads later. I’m just writing with these two people right now.”

Communication is something that is a requirement in a collaborative hobby.

I know it can be scary. I know the mentality ‘well they reblogged that meme but it’s not for me, I know they said they want to plot but they don’t mean me’, but you really have to get past that when you roleplay to be fair to other people.

Spoiler alert: the examples of shitty behavior further above are what help feed this ‘that post/meme isn’t for me’ mentality, when you do those things you’re fostering people’s anxiety and rejection sensitivity...just saying.

If someone gets mad at you for communicating with them, they’re a shitty person and block them. Literally if someone has a problem with you for trying to start something, especially as mutuals, you’re losing nothing by not writing with them. Find nicer people. So don’t  be afraid to communicate you can’t write currently, you need a break, you’re only writing with these certain people. And don’t be afraid to send in the meme. I promise you, the right people appreciate courteous communication. The ones that don’t...

Again, no one is saying put your life on hold for RP, you’re never allowed to narrow your scope, you’re supposed to always have writing spoons, you need to produce five replies a day or you’re wrong, you always need to log-in to communicate you had a family emergency/depressive episode/etc.

What I am saying, is if you are capable of communicating, respect the time and energy of your fellow muns who may also be very low on spoons and free time themselves, and be honest about where you are at when it comes to taking on new threads, new asks, new partners, etc. Treat others how you want to be treated, and consider you probably wouldn’t like being on the receiving end of the behaviors I’ve described. If you need to be on the clock being paid to be a nice person...please re-evaluate.

[noxiatoxia]

so real!! i feel like kaoru is hypocritical in that he always wants hikaru to let out his emotions and cope with them in a healthy way, never bottle anything up..and then he does just that and is the most emotionally unhealthy person he knows (back to caring more about hikaru than himself, Again). kaoru is Always there for his brother. even if he feels horrible, he will ignore his emotions (more than usual) and just be there for hikaru because he thinks hikaru deserves support more than he does. kaoru Needs to be there for him, its his actual job as far as he's concerned

and hikaru getting really upset and crying really hard like you said would make him so scared and he'd do anything to get him to feel better.

and then hikaru just gets stressed whenever kaoru's upset. like genuinely stressed out, he's so anxious and worried. i think hikaru would want to fix it more than anything, and not knowing what's wrong/not being Able to fix it for kaoru makes him really upset because he just wants his brother to feel better. and just sitting next to him or holding his hand/hugging him makes him feel useless. he knows, logically, that being there is helping the most, but he still feels useless because he can't *solve* the problem.

also i like sonic ,, that's unrelated but i like sonic a lot even though ive never actually played any of the games i watched both the movies and the snapcube fandub and sonic boom(best show ever written). so yeah

UGH REAL... It's so fucked up!! Kaoru time and time again shows that he CLEARLY believes Hikaru is more "important" than him straight up says it in the manga I believe. He just. Does Not care about himself. As if Hikaru's emotions and well being are far more important than his own. It's so messed up GET THERAPY CHALLENGE

I can totally see like, Kaoru having a major depressive episode and obviously Hikaru gets worried for him. and in turn Kaoru feels like shit for worrying Hikaru and subtly tries making Hikaru feel better bc he doesnt give a flying fuck about himself but if Hikaru is even SLIGHTLY unhappy he will drop everything for him. Luckily Hikaru takes no shit and instantly catches on and would be like "no, this is about YOU. I'm worried for YOU let's focus on that for a moment" and Kaoru cannot. Compute this. Like he gets why Hikaru would be worried, he knows what's happening to him is bad & unhealthy, but also he's just like.... it isn't a big deal..... like how I feel isn't THAT important. (And I can see a bit of denial in Kaoru being like "it isn't THAT bad" <- has not gotten out of bed in 2 days)

And yeah, Hikaru is very frustrated that he can't just "fix" Kaoru. Bc for him, talking about the problem usually helps him. That's why when he's upset, when he cries, Kaoru asks him what's wrong and they talk it through. And he understands Kaoru doesn't like talking about his problems, but also, he just doesn't understand how to make it better. When he does try to ask Kaoru, Kaoru just says he "doesn't know" or "isn't sure". And the thing is, Hikaru can tell he isn't saying this to avoid talking. Hikaru can tell Kaoru himself genuinely does not know why he's feeling so horrendous (depression mood). And it makes Hikaru pissed off but he can't take it out on anything because he doesn't even know what to be mad at...

Even when Kaoru knows what's wrong (or at least the things that are on his mind) he's oftentimes too ashamed or scared to say anything. Hikaru definitely picks up on that, trying to get it out of him bc he doesn't understand why Kaoru doesn't feel like he can trust him. When none of that works, he begins working from a different angle. Bc if Kaoru can't talk about it, then he wants to try and take his mind off of it at least, which is where Hikaru does little things to try and cheer him up. Asks if he wants to watch his favorite movie, asks if he wants to play some video games together, asks Kaoru to explain to him again how books & paper are made, because that's kind of cool (small special interest of Kaoru's. It is fucking cool!!!!!), offers to read some silly books, make up stories, tell jokes; anything to see Kaoru smile.

Or, he tries to be a bit more creative. If Kaoru just won't talk to him, mumbles something about how he "can't" or "doesn't wanna" no matter how many times Hikaru asks, Hikaru pauses and gets up from the bed. Kaoru rolls on his other side to see Hikaru going thru their closet, and he sees him come back with some old stuffed animal they used to play with as kids - it's like, a tiger or smth. Pretty small nowadays but when they were younger the plush seemed so big. In any case Hikaru comes back with this tiger they had called smth edgy n cool like "Shadow" or "Saber" or smth bc. what else are 5 year old boys gonna call a tiger.

Anyways Hikaru brings this tiger over and Kaoru looks confused. And Hikaru is just like "Well, if you can't tell me, can you tell him?"

"Oh my God," Kaoru groans and smacks the things out of his face. "We are not five anymore."

"Wow. Rude. Can't believe you just hit him. Wasn't that rude, Saber?" And then he does one of his silly voices for the tiger, making it say smth like, "Yeah, rude!"

Kaoru cracks a smile, if only at how ridiculous his brother is being. He tells him to shut up and put that thing away and Hikaru is like "Nooo Saber is worried about you too!! See, he's so worried!" and he like, shoves the stuffed animal in Kaoru's face and makes it say smth like, "I'm soooo worried about you Kaoru!!! You're my best friend, Kaoru!! Who else is going to shove me in a dark closet for several years??"

Whether or not his ridiculous little act gets anything out of Kaoru... he manages to get his little brother to laugh a whole lot, which is just as good by his standards.

...Also!!! That's AWESOME!!! Sonic was my first ever special interest + first game i ever played (mega collection on gamecube) and I have been a huge fan since... read the comics watched the shows played the games have absurd knowledge on the franchise. watched all those stupid youtube and newgrounds animations as a kid. Sonic Paradox. my fucking room was painted blue when i was like 10 (and it's still blue) all bc I loved sonic so much ldnwkjfbre IT'S EMBARRASSING but also... It does mean a lot to me. I'm rlly glad to see ppl get into sonic even if just thru the snapcube dubs or the new movies bc yessssss newage fans!!!! It's so sweet I love seeing ppl discover it. Growing up I always wanted a sonic movie bc there were none. We had the Sonic OVA which as far as I'm concerned IS the first sonic movie even tho it technically isn't and I considered it my favorite movie as a child (had the DVD and the fuckin VHS of it)... you can imagine how happy I was to see sonic finally get an official movie on the big screen and it was actually GOOD??? and now kids of today will get into sonic via this new awesome movie series it's so great... :')

(my favorite characters btw are Knuckles and Metal Sonic :D)

[cynthiaandsamus]

Custom Toonami Block Week 69 (Nice) Rundown

Code Geass: So this episode is kind of a ride, like fuck. We kinda yadda yadda how Lelouch fucking escaped from Nunally’s sinking airship and just have Rolo sitting over him in bed kind of conflicted that he’s still stuck on his old little sister, so therefore he programs the tvs in Lelouch’s train to blast Nunally’s appointment but it’s funny because he probably didn’t even have to do that because directly after that Lelouch runs into the station and Nunally shit is just everywhere, like I get it’s a metaphor but it’s just funny that Rolo had to plan for him to run into something Nunally-related only for him to run out of the plan and run into ten times more Nunally shit. Then we get Kaguya claiming herself, Kallen and CC as Zero’s harem directly followed by a depressed Lelouch hypnotizing a bunch of street punks to exercise, about to do drugs and asking to fuck Kallen, like this episode is fucking ridiculous and parts are hilariously contrived, thankfully Kallen slaps the shit out of him and Rolo’s like “yo bro we don’t need that bitch, come on and live it up in this ridiculously racist system and the one place where it’s slightly less racist with me” and then they go back to school and have the “Happiness is Like Glass” scene which is genuinely amazing and moving, like for all the weird zany stuff that happens in the first part of this episode, this is a little oasis of pure sincerity and quality where Lelouch makes a promise he knows he won’t be able to keep. Inspired by this amazing moment, Lelouch returns to the Black Knights with the thought of “Maybe there are other reasons to destroy an oppressive dictatorship aside from my one ridiculously crippled sister” which he probably should’ve thought of before. And then he defeats Suzaku’s navy with the power of FUCKING BUBBLES, like yeah, this episode is right back to being crazy ridiculous but Lelouch is back and wants in on Nunally’s special zones… okay, phrasing.

Inuyasha: So we open with a scene of Kagome playing cards with Miroku which is genuinely adorable if pointless, but it just makes me laugh that Miroku and Sango seem to know all the rules of the game but are still stumped when Kagome tells them they’re Playing Cards, probably a culture thing. Anyway, Inuyasha has to kill a Barrier Demon to get the power to break barriers, which is a bit of a conundrum because Barrier Demons have, you know, barriers, which Inuyasha currently cannot break. Worse still said demon is a little girl and a half-demon like Inuyasha which understandably puts him in quite a quandary. Inuyasha does his usual thing of “Let’s just go in swinging and figure out the rest later but Shiori’s grandfather deflects the admittedly cool-looking Water Wind Scar Inuyasha throws at them with Shiori’s barrier. Shiori’s mom is all “Gimme back my daughter you said you’d stop attacking us if I let you have her” and he’s all like “Well make me, I have a fucking barrier and can hold you hostage” so everyone’s generally pissed off about the situation and Shiori’s granddad with the long name sends all the bat demons to go destroy the village which makes no fucking sense because the only reason she’s still cooperating is so they won’t hurt her mom, without her she has no reason to keep doing it but I guess he’s hoping having nothing to live for will make her do what he says out of nihilism or some shit.

Yu Yu Hakusho: Yusuke gets to face off against Suzaku, the final boss of the Saint Beasts and the gang get to demonstrate the teamwork lessons from this arc by doing a reenactment of the jumping Bahamut scene from Advent Children so Yusuke can get up the tower to fight him. It’s really pretty cool how they splice in Keiko’s Day of the Dead montage with Yusuke fighting Suzaku, tying things together thematically and culiminating in Yusuke and Keiko both fucking decking their opponents. I also really like how Yusuke’s so confident Keiko won’t go down to a zombie hoard so easily, like she’s not a fighter but she’s smart and has got guts so he’s pretty sure she can last a while while he pretends to punch Suzaku with his shoes. Overall a really good start to the fight that means Yusuke still has to wiggle his way out after using his Spirit Gun already and Suzaku still has a lot of shit to pull.

Fate Zero: So Saber and Lancer do their fight and there’s a bunch of fightnobabble talk that someone who’s actually held a weapon in their life would probably enjoy but to me is just “Oooh cool jabbies, flashing lights” which is still fun. Basically everyone’s watching though, Kirei has his ninja squad on the job, Kiritsugu’s Black Ops is monitoring things and Iskander is watching from the Radical Highway Bridge from Sonic Adventure 2. Eventually Iskander is like “Well damn they might kill each other if this keeps up” and Waver’s like “yeah duh.” And Iskander shows who wears the booty shorts in this relationship by storming into the fight against Waver’s wishes cause he wants to fight everyone anyway. So yeah, giant lightning chariot in the middle of this First Boss battle.

Konosuba: Now that the party’s all formed the group settle into a daily routine of Kazuma being Megumin’s wheels for her Explosion training, Aqua being a waitress and Darkness doing… probably better not to think about what Darkness is doing. Anyway, Megumin bombs the shit out of a Dullahan’s castle and before the Dullahan can call his friend Celty to come kick her ass, Darkness gets hit with a death spell and he issues a challenge to Megumin to come to the tower of the Four Saint Beasts and (wait wrong anime again) but Aqua just breaks the curse on her own and they just don’t bother showing up. In the manga this is really funny because Aqua’s in a maid outfit from her waitress job and just does it like it’s nothing and then they show a panel later of the Dullahan waiting for them like “The fuck when are they getting here…”.

Sailor Moon Crystal: So for some reason even though we only have three of the five Sailor Guardians, Luna decides this is the time to give a recap and reintroduce our protagonists for the first part of this episode. Anyway there’s a big party to celebrate a dated princess Di reference that’s kind of in poor taste at this point and Usagi and friends get in based solely on having fancy dresses and being hot, man I had no idea getting in with rich people was that easy. Anyway, Usagi gets a new tiara because of love and shit and gets an upgraded Ancient Egyptian Laser Beam from the moon. The Four Kings show up to be all “Ha-ha! You defeated my demon but now there’s all four of us and even though we still think you have the crystal and outnumber you and there will never be a moment when you’re weaker than this we will now… LEAVE FOR NO REASON!” like the logic of people in this show oh my fucking god. But of course the dated princess reference’s treasure isn’t the crystal they’re looking for and Tuxedo Mask kisses Sailor Moon while she’s asleep which is definitely sexual assault there was no fucking consent there, I don’t care if they’re moon soul mates or whatever she barely knows who he is and wasn’t conscious. But yeah Luna calls him out on his shit and despite clearly being an ally he has to be all edgy and be like “Well maybe I’m a friend, maybe I’ an enemy, who knows~” because I think he gets his power from how mysterious he is, like he’s going to be utterly useless if anyone figures out who he is, not to mention Luna already knows his identity but for some reason doesn’t tell Usagi. Idk man I just have a hard time following the logic of this fucking show…

Durarara!!: So yeah, this is the “The Yagiri Family is fucked” episode Namie has a weird fucked up brocon yandere thing going on, Seiji’s an asshole that because of having two stalker yanderes going after him has become a fractured manchild that thinks love is everything and pretends he knows shit but knows less shit than pretty much everyone around him and has his sister do all the shit for him. But yeah, Celty sees Seiji with the girl with her head and freaks out, and Shinra A DOCTOR if you remember says “Hey maybe your head just attached itself to a corpse Parasyte style” like either he’s a terrible doctor and really thinks that or this is a smokescreen to make Celty think her head has moved on and she should too which is a fucked up level of gaslighting. But yeah, Mikado takes Head Girl, Seiji keeps stabbing people with pens for some reason, luckily it’s mostly Shizuo so it doesn’t do anything, and Izaya’s just like “oh shit, chaos, I’m down”. Basically everyone is awful in this episode except for Mikado who just wants to help and doesn’t know shit, Celty who’s doing her best, and Shizuo who’s just awesome as usual.

[timerogued]

JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH.  

TW  for  mental  health,  depression,  anxiety,  suicidal  thoughts,  the  lot.

jack’s official and clinical diagnosis were not completed until he was around the age of 24 but has suffered from the symptoms of his illnesses for as long as he can remember. his diagnosis was done professionally first by counsellors at his workplace, then by a doctor, and finally by a clinical psychologist. in his official notes jack is described as high functioning which comes into play a lot - this will be talked about a little bit later on.

his diagnosis are: clinical depression, anxiety (generalised and minor social anxiety), and minor psychosis. with reference to his psychosis, he has not had it checked out or determined as much as the other two so his counsellors are unsure if his psychosis is there because of his depression (which can develop if not treated correctly) or because of other underlying causes - aka. because of everything he has seen playing around in his mind and developing the psychosis on its own. ( psychosis can develop on its own but is more common under depression ).

DISCLAIMER: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND PSYCHOSIS AFFECTS EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I WILL BE EXPLAINING / EXPLORING JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCES, MY OWN DIAGNOSIS, &. RESEARCH OF THESE CONDITIONS.

DEPRESSION: the main symptoms that jack suffers with are bad self-esteem, constant manic-to-depressive episodes, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts / suicidal tendencies, being irritable / sensory overload (which falls into his anxiety too), a lack of appetite, and a disturbance of sleep.

SELF ESTEEM: this does not just focus on appearance but also extends to having bad self-esteem about everything he does. jack can often be heard mumbling “i can’t do this” to himself and can slip through in conversation if his anxiety about something is high - and can be about absolutely anything. depending on how bad his days are he can feel like this about minimal things - ie getting changed, making food. if he drops a glass of water this can set him off because “fuck, i can’t even do this right!” it can also mean he has pre-thoughts about doing something. he’ll expect the absolute lowest of outcomes when doing work, food, anything.

on top of this he’ll often apologise for anything. remarks of “i’m sorry it’s not great”, “sorry i’m like this”, “sorry for being a downer all the time” with no prior conversation on the matter. this leads to an eager / want to please his peers and often doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

his self-esteem about his appearance does not affect him as much as it used to but small things still linger. when looking at a mirror he’ll often just stand in silence at his reflection - analysing everything about his face, an acceptance that he’s “alright looking” and will follow with a defeated sigh. however, he’s learnt to control himself from doing this and so-often will say a compliment to himself.

jack has learnt to almost deal with most of his problems. it’s not an acceptance or change about them but deals and carries on his life feeling like shit. he can often feel uncomfortable when in public or even at home when wearing the wrong type of clothes. ( self-esteem about his face includes the shape and the fact he always has dark circles around his eyes. he’s more inclined to hate his body - including his scars and the fact that he’s not exactly “in-shape”. again, he’s learnt to deal with this ).

to carry on with being uncomfortable, jack can be very hit and miss about compliments. someone has to be persistent for him to “accept” what they’re saying, but too many can draw too much attention to him and can make him extremely uncomfortable. if you want to compliment jack, don’t be too forward but be soft. he’s more likely to say thank you about it!

MANIC TO DEPRESSIVE EPISODES: when jack is manic he’s still depressed but takes a twist on it all; there’s laughter and jokes about what he’s suffering with. during these episodes he’s more likely to be accepting that his mental health is being ridiculous but will often follow them with a shrug. eg. “hey i feel like i want to die but whatever who doesn’t anymore lol”. this can cause adverse reactions on those around him - you are more than welcome to call him out and tell him it’s making you / the muse uncomfortable.

but be warned: once he comes out of his manic state it’s straight back into being depressed - but it shoves him right down to the bottom. he will mentally “beat himself” up for what he has said / done during these. this is a period when his low and irritable mood will be at full effect. this does not happen every day and he will tell when he feels like it’s about to happen.

MOTIVATION: there will be days / weeks at a time where jack will have minimal motivation. he will still do things due to him being “high functioning”. high functioning is defined as suffering with these issues and feeling the full effect of them, but still be able to go about their day. with jack, this affects him in the way of: he’ll still do things he needs to but gets little to no satisfaction from completing the tasks.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS / TENDENCIES: he likes to believe he’s past his suicidal thoughts but during bad nights they will come flooding back. he does not act on them. suicidal tendencies come through with a lack of self-care: crossing roads without looking, looking for rushes that could potentially kill him, a willing to sacrifice himself without a second thought.

sometimes he can be irritable and suffer with sensory overload - this means he can often come across as nasty but he won’t act on it. he’ll probably just warn you that he’s not feeling great and any anger that comes from him is because of that. he will never take anything out on another person.

APPETITE: he has very little. he’ll eat one to two meals a day with occasional small snacks if necessary. he can and will go days without eating because he just doesn’t feel hungry or, due to a lack of motivation, can’t be bothered.

disturbed sleep and insomnia come under the psychosis diagnosis more than the depression but he has no average sleep. sometimes he’ll be out for an entire day, other times he’ll have breaks of being asleep, but more often than not he’ll find himself up until the early hours of the morning and surviving on 3 or 4 hours - then sometimes not sleeping at all.

PSYCHOSIS:  this can be determined as its own diagnosis or as an episode. jack’s still hasn’t been completely determined. an episode can be anything from only suffering with it once, to consistent suffering that could last years. psychosis has been defined as a “lower schizophrenia” and medically has been linked to the eventual development of the condition - however that is not all cases. jack suffers with: hallucinations, paranoia, and confused disturbed thoughts / speech.

HALLUCINATIONS: jack’s hallucinations are limited to shadows / silhouettes of objects or people and can often be seen as things rushing past him. hallucinations can include hearing voices that are not there which jack also suffers with. these voices used to affect him more but after much training and accepting that the voices aren’t there, he’s getting used to them. a big thing about jack’s hallucinations is knowing that they’re part of his mental health issues which grounds him big time. this does not stop them from happening and on certain days could affect him more by causing them to be more realistic or the belief that they’re there to hurt him.

DISTURBED SPEECH & THOUGHTS: disturbed speech and thoughts is when someone will switch topics during conversations or lose their train of thought during a conversation and can bring it to an abrupt pause. jack does both of these. as with everything else, it’s something he’s learning to control, but during bad episodes (manic, depressed and even affecting with his anxiety) it could appear more frequently. how to know when jack does this is that he’ll often say “uhh where was i going with this” or “shit. what was i gonna say?” literal seconds after knowing. he will give absolute no warning when switching topics. he cannot help this.

his depression / psychosis can be affected by the change in seasons. this is called seasonal affective disorder (abb. sad). his psychosis is worse at night which results in him not sleeping and will lead to extreme paranoia when he’s out in the dark. things he will be paranoid about is seeing people / shadows around him and thinking that they’re out to get him. when he’s in bed he can often see these faces come right up to him and he believes if he doesn’t wake up in time they’ll get him. there’s always the anxiety that something is behind him. behaviours he’s picked up from this is anything from double-checking an area he knows is safe, a build-up of anxiety around opening doors, and having to close windows / curtains at night for the fear that he will see something ( he often does ). this can cause nightmares and they can become very visual due to everything he’s seen from work / the streets / his mutant ability.

ANXIETY:  anxiety disorders can be different for everyone and can randomly be triggered. for most people anxiety can be physically and mentally draining which untreated can develop into anxiety and depression. to jack, this is his worst disorder that he suffers with because he can’t deal with the symptoms. there are two aspects of an anxiety disorder: the physical symptoms ( panic attacks etc ) and the mental symptoms. jack mostly suffers with the physical aspects but can feel the full mental side of them too. due to his anxiety being untreated for a long period of time he also suffers from minor social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: jack feels like he’s always full of energy. this energy can come from excitement or happiness but can quickly turn into a panic attack if untrained. people can often find it difficult to separate anxiety attacks from genuine excitement ( i suffer largely from this ). this causes him to be restless and hyper-fixated on things going wrong around him. time can seem to slow down and during panic / anxiety attacks he feels like there’s focus on him and him alone. this will stop him from doing anything.

this can trigger for no reason. there will be random worry about anything - but it is more likely to happen when in a social situation. jack does not take medication for his anxiety (or anything) but drinks to “calm his nerves” before doing certain things. he is not reliant on alcohol. however, this can affect his depression the next day and turn into an endless cycle.

his panic attacks start with a twist-feel in his stomach before becoming restless in his legs and arms - usually shaking. this then turns to his breathing which becomes rapid and difficult to control, which then leads to his heart beating uncontrollably - when your chest hurts during a panic attack this is usually the reason. ( panic attacks can be confused with heart attacks - that is how serious the feeling can be ). these can last from a few seconds to at least 10 minutes. after a panic / anxiety attack jack will be very much on edge and anything could cause another. he can have up to 10 a day.

MENTAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: having the boundless energy locked inside of you can cause extreme mental issues. it’s exhausting. anxiety can cause different reactions in different people, some can get angry, others upset. jack gets upset and will cry. this then makes him feel awful for the rest of the day. he’ll get migraines which in turn can make him more exhausted and his depression can be worse as a result of that. after an episode of panic jack will be extremely vulnerable depending on the situation. as he’s got older he’s been able to have one and go “okay that was an inconvenience. anyway” and continue on; this may not happen all the time.

he’ll often feel like a failure for having them, which in turn feeds his self-esteem and so the cycle continues on.

SENSORY OVERLOAD: sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body's senses experiences over-stimulation from the environment. it is more common with people who suffer anxiety and autism - however i can only speak for the anxiety side of it. bright lights, loud noises, they’re part of sensory processing issues that can be a key part in one’s anxiety. my own personal sensory processing condition means i cannot look at certain lights without me triggering an anxiety attack and if in the facility of a loud noise i will have an anxiety breakdown. jack also suffers with this but not to a high extent. loud noises can set off his anxiety but will not push him into an anxiety attack. however, constant subjection to them can have a serious impact on his mental health.

HIS MUTANT ABILITY: the sensation he has after activating his power is extremely similar to a panic / anxiety attack, and could actually trigger one if he is not focussing properly. during times of extreme anxiety it can set his mutation off and could send him somewhere in time he doesn’t want to be and if he doesn’t calm down - he might get stuck there for a while.

jack has seen many things with his mutation; whether it be for his job or normally, he’s seen a lot of death and has seen things happen that he cannot stop from happening. this can, and has done, trigger a mass depressive episode if bad enough.

sometimes his anxiety can work in his favour. jack is terrified of arriving late, doing something wrong, not submitting things on time - this does mean that he’ll be up to 15 minutes early before things, submitting things hours before they’re due, and making sure that everything he is doing is right (don’t get me wrong, this also affects him because if it’s not perfect then i can’t do anything right - feeding back into his self-esteem). in his own words: “hey it may cause me to have a mental breakdown but at least i did what i needed to!”

jack will see his mental illnesses in a humorous light and is extremely open about them. he’ll make / share jokes about what he suffers with - this can lead to suicide jokes so if you’re uncomfortable, tell him. he believes if he can’t make a joke about this then he’s not really moving on / accepting what he suffers with and ultimately can defeat him and is why he’ll make light of a situation ( even if it is inappropriate. because he’s an idiot ).

[thewheezingbubbledragon]

It has occurred to me that Tumblr can be a void with friends so my problems arent unheard, but they are out I my head

Hey howdy poodle, it's me, snickerdoodle.

What's good my fellows.

Compadres.

Amigos.

Frendos.

Frens.

Howdy.

I am very glad you exist.

Thank you for existing and caring for me.

I love you so much.

Bless you.

Thank you.

I am coming down from a 12 hour panic attack/mental shutdown/depressive episode where I was nonverbal for 8.5 hours, and when I finally started calming down I had to speak with people and stand up and walk and make food for 2 hours. So all in all. Not great.

But better.

Anywho, so There Is A Reason for my inactivity.

I mean, there are several, but theyre all highly personal and meh.

So my fam and I spent the last.. 2 months? Or more? Moving 1800 miles across the country. We have 99% of all our stuff in one (1) storage unit that is still at our old town. (We took 1 suitcase and several bags of our stuff. That is it. For months or maybe even a year. Clothes and stuff included.) I had to leave my desktop BUT I have a laptop.

I mean it's literally held together by tape and can't be unplugged and overheats faster than Satan's flambe kitchen in high summer, but it works and I can write so it's mostly good I guess?

And I have my (bad and outofservice) phone, AND ALSO AN AMAZING TABLET SOME FRIENDS COLLABORATED AND BOUGHT FOR ME AND I CAN DRAW ON IT AND I ALREADY HAVE SO MANY PICTURES I CANNOT WAIT TO POST THEM RKSLDNNFJSLSMJFKSLSKDBJDJSKSNDJPAMAJEK

But.

We... Kinda have been living in a hotel for... What, 9? Days? Bc my parents cant find a place to move to in the city we're in, and the fact I am basically Tiny Tim with art skills and a good leg doesnt help...

Anyways.

Tumblr is a silly fun way to escape reality but I dont have the energy or mental capacity or time to respond to people if they tag me (unless it's 1 sentence or less but that is still pushing it) or write or anything or even post.

I havent been sleeping well, (lol thanks asthma, allergies, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and altitude y'all are doin amazing) and I had to leave my entire irl friendgroup back home. A lot of them dont have Instagram or ways for me to contact them aside from texting.

We moved to my previous home when I was very small, but it took me almost 12 years to finally feel like I was home. And that was because of the people I met and cherished and loved. I finally had a support network.

And then I got the news we were moving 1800 miles away.

I have left the life i've spent 12 years rebuilding. Heyhey, depression when did you get here? 16 years ago? Dandy.

Long story short, i've been through all the stages of grief already but I'm still on shakey ground. (The anger stage was the fastest? Bc I dont get angry? Except at people who are genuinely bad or disrespectful towards their audience for no reason other than petty revenge or ego. I'm talking about Thomas Austruc, in case it wasnt obvious. Friggin Miraculous...) I accepted what happened, and have accepted it since about 2 weeks after I heard. I accept and adjust to things quickly and easily. Doesnt mean I like it, but I can and do adjust my mindset and lifestyle to the winds of life.

Kinda sucks at times tbh.

Bc my brain shoves the whole messy business of 'processing' side to acknowledge and move on.

Anyways, that's not the point.

Point is, I am mentally royally screwed atm. I am not medicated for any I my issues, (ADD, major depression, multiple severe anxiety issues, to name just a few of the 'nom-physical' issues) which means life is about a billion times harder to exist in. So in short: my online status will be steady but my posts? Only time will tell.

I would like to apologize for everyone who follows me @un-romancible-npc for my Chance Maribat MariDami/Daminette AU, I am working on it, but I'm also aware of my own issues right now. And I can get about... 500 words a week at the most? Because we're so busy and I'm studying for my driver's test (several years late sadly but when you can barely afford food every month it isnt as much of a concern. Dont worry, we're better off now but it's still a struggle.) and organizin everything at home, and looking after my 2 younger siblings and my big bro, who is currently practically bed-ridden and puking his guts out. Basically... I am very sorry but I cant work on it. I CAN get a snippet out once I finish the freaking 'Mari meets everyone in the lobby' scene. I havr almost 3k words for that and some stuff that follows but the friggin LOBBY SCENE I SWEAR TO PASTA--

Anyways.

Yeah.

That's why I've been gone...

HEY HOWDY HEY NOW IT'S TIME TO TAG EVERYONE I LOVE VERY MUCH AND CANNOT COMMUNICATE WITH PROPERLY BC I'VE BEEN BUSY BUT I READ ALL YOUR POSTS AND LOVE YOU VERY MUCH THANK YOU FOR TAGGIN ME IN ALL THE STUFF I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE ALL GORGEOUS / HANDSOME / STUNNING AND I LOVE YOU

@rogueinkglitch

@im-here-for-the-content

@kceedraws

@da-tasuky

@lady-charinette

@hetalia-lover-is-here

IF I'VE FORGOTTEN YOUR BLOG NAME I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU I JUST CANNOT REMEMBER NAMES

I WOULD FORGET MY OWN NAME IF PEOPLE DIDNT CALL ME BY IT ALL THE TIME

[angelinalamala]

When The Lights of Health Go Down: Meditations on Illness

To be ill is of the most corporal states of being. I know this to be a fact of my own reality, as I often walk along the avenues of daily life without considering movement and its debt to my body. The intricate organization of every nerve, sinew, and chemical fluctuation is not often a subject of my mind, and I don’t say this to romanticize the body. I say this because I genuinely understand this body to be a shell, some kind of empty carcass enlivened by a consciousness which is intimately mine. I forget about this body, which connects me to other bodies, often in other intimate manners: a hug, a glance, a kiss, a hand held. I am brought to think about this fact, as in the situation of a virus, I am confronted with two facts: I am constituted of both body and mind. Now what do I do about this?

Virginia Woolf wrote the essay “On Being Ill,” in the year 1940, amidst a war that brought devastating destruction, loss, and darkness. It was no more than twenty years prior that the 1918 flu pandemic caused 50 million deaths around the world in the span of two years. It is not an exaggeration to assert that the world was never the same after these aforementioned events. Woolf herself was a young woman at the time of the pandemic, having finished a number of novels, one of them being The Voyage Out. She suffered bouts of intensive depressive episodes, which later many psychoanalysts associated with her suffering from bipolar disorder. I think of Woolf, writing at her desk during a time of great uncertainty and death. If she had been in quarantine, (which was likely done due to the magnitude of the pandemic), how did her writing provide her with an escape from both her own illness that developed and burgeoned within her and the predicament of the world outside?

I am finding illness to be defined, at an extreme end, as a collective experience, but I wonder if this is true about the illness that proliferates within one’s own being. Throughout my young adulthood up until this point of my life, I have experienced a similar form of illness to Woolf and I felt it to be particular to the mind and individual. I later found this to be far from the truth, but this was all palpably lonesome experience for a long time. Woolf’s artistry for articulating the interior with such meticulous ease, I believe, can be attributed in part to her own solitude with her illness. I cannot say that she did not have support from her contemporaries, (and I certainly do not believe that I was void of support from my own family and friends), but illness that rests within one’s mind is often not the bearer of empathy, flowers, or “feel better soon” cards decorated with amiable bears -- these that often accompany the most corporal of illnesses. But I would not say that this condition is not corporal, as there is no headache so relentless after bouts of sobbing, and there is nothing more mortal than realizing one’s own revulsion to living. Pacing through the halls of the brightly lit hospital, one retrieves their prescription, which successfully touches the palate and falls down the throat. The opening of the mouth, where this act is examined, (as this condition comes with aversions to getting well -- one thinks: How do these people know what I need?), so it can be ensured that the expected chemical reaction will occur in two weeks time, one is told. One waits, one sleeps, one fixates their eyes on the ceiling and in the shadows under one’s eyes, searching for an inkling of resolution and hope in this face. But the face is as affected as the mind, and to look at it is to find only one’s self. 

In the remembrance of my time in the hospital doing just what I have described, I find myself mimicking the same actions now as I am inside, shielded from the outside world and the outside world shielded from me. Of course, it is a minuscule vitamin that replaces the varied aperitif of chemical reactions and stimuli. Those often fit in a small plastic cup that takes up just a quarter of my palm. I feel its weight before it even communicates with my body, and I feel the restlessness or complete exhaustion that shortly comes along with it. 

One paces, one sleeps 14 hours a day, one wonders: why is this happening? When will this end? This experience of mental illness does not feel entirely different to what constitutes quarantine, and I wonder where the connection is between the two realities, (both being prescribed, but one having been exposed to the illness already), if there is any at all. I noticed, within the first three days of the quarantine beginning, my body seemed to fall into patterns that I hadn’t experienced for a while. My condition is not completely different from Woolf’s, as it comes in bouts, and it comes periodically like an unforeseen and undesirable visit from a threatening stranger. It is something I have lived with since I was twelve, (the stagnation and fluctuation), yet there is nothing more jarring to me than the pain it brings each time it comes. Much like a pandemic, it can be attributed partly to the conditions and environment around me, which causes one to fall into further concealment. I am shielded from the outside world and the outside world is shielded from me. And so it is not entirely lonesome, as in the very inception of the illness, it requires the existence of another human being -- to both hurt and to heal.

It took me a while to realize that the quarantine was a fact within itself, and the lights of my own health have not been interrupted. I recognized that my mind, and thus my body, was reacting to the very fact that, in actuality, it was familiar with what was occurring. But it was also becoming accommodated to the reality that I am a part of a collective experience, especially in the front of illness. This does not only hold true in a pandemic, but in these moments of great solitude, desperation, and suffering. The world around me seems to be moving at a rapid pace, (as it goes on and on and on), and people are smiling, laughing, and living their lives with satisfaction and delight. It is quite simple to feel alienated in these moments, and some of my harshest onlookers have reminded me of the idea that I may, in fact, be superfluous, and the event of a loss would not be consequential. Yet I am reminded, in the event of collective humanity and the experiences that affect us all, this is simply not true. To lose one of us is to affect many of us. And when I am in my bed for days on end, staring at the ceiling, or searching for myself in all the mirrors of my house  -- ill or well -- there are many others doing just the same.

[the-widening-room]

Flippantly Dismissive.

*Trigger Warning* This post/piece contains references to Suicidal Thoughts, Depression/Anxiety Symptoms. If you do not feel comfortable with these subjects, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST. 

If you or someone you know/care about are feeling suicidal thoughts & want someone to talk to, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is  1-800-273-8255. The official website is suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I wrote this in the middle of a spiral the other day while in the process of switching medications. I truly did not intend on ever letting this be seen by any other set of eyes except my own. For reasons I cannot adequately express, I felt it needed to be put out there so that... someone who may be feeling similar, or has recently learned that one of their loved ones suffers from similar mental health issues and wants to get a better understanding of what’s happening, can feel like they are not alone. I know I certainly feel like this is only my way of spiraling, but that’s just statistically impossible. 

So, here is me, unedited (minus the redacted parts for privacy reasons), and with far too many run-ons. 

With love, T.W.R.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

I keep wanting to create, but then I’m hit with either overwhelming exhaustion, depression so intense I started making an actual fucking plan on how to end it (part of me still is), or, worst of all, writer’s block so powerful it’s as if I’ve completely forgotten how to even write letters in that moment. After being let go from [redacted], once it finally hit me, I lost any real sense of purpose. Brooke at [redacted] was kind enough to give me part time work doing their landscaping, and I return the favor by being in legitimately crippling back/leg pains, or so depressed I can barely move away from the bed/couch, except to unsuccessfully take a shit or limp downstairs for a glass of water.

I know mental health is a critically important thing, and issues with it (depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc.) should be taken with extreme seriousness and care from those around the individual struggling. I’ll be the first to tell someone in the middle of a crisis, episode, whatever, they need to step back and address it before anything else. I believe mental health days, weeks, months are crucial to helping with these moments. They are legitimate reasons to miss work, school, family gatherings, etc. Help from professionals is crucial as well as any medication that works.

Knowing all of this, however, does not ever keep me from excluding myself from the same standards. Even when I know I’m in the middle of an episode, I repeatedly find myself shutting people out, making up reasons for not working instead of being honest, and then convincing myself the whole time that I’m “making it up” while actively feeling everything about it. That, consequently, is all I feel. All of which continually compounds everything into even more anxiety, and the vicious cycle continues. Even my medicine just makes it to where I still feel, but I can’t express it effectively. The other day, while actively feeling deep sadness over a true crime victim’s story (something I’d normally be inconsolably crying over), I just blankly stared. Outward expression all but gone. So, I just stay at home because it’s the only constant anymore.

I truly don’t know what to do anymore. My best days are good. But they’re so few and far between these days, I end up just waiting to return to the normalcy of depressed Nihilism. So sad that I want to end it all, genuinely, because of the “epiphany” that, ultimately, none of “it” matters (how wonderfully original I know). The only things that keep me from this are my mom and maybe two friends. Terrible, I know. Flippantly dismissive of others you could say, and you wouldn’t be wrong. When wholeheartedly you find it nearly impossible to believe anyone gives a shit about you, however nonsensical that assessment may be, it becomes more difficult to justify sticking around.

I wanted to write poetry today, or something creative at least. But I had the moment of clarity that this might at least relieve some of the unstoppable anxiety. I don’t know how any of this is gonna end. I don’t even know how I want it to end.