#and block me on the way if you so strongly disagree

[sickofthistoxicshit]

Oh God yes, I am so for Tommy being gone just to have people stop being stupid about Eddie. Which is a pitty because at first I was intrigued by Tommy. Now i just want it to end.

And lol at your tags. I have blocked so many people lately, too. Not even stupid takes during TK era made me block so much. Some of them really take the cake now. All this hate towards Eddie is staggering. And to have the audacity to call eddieblr toxic (and yes, I have seen that and not only buddies are being called toxic these days).

HI there,

I have to say that I was intrigued and even excited for Tommy at first too, but there were a lot of things that just ruined it along the way, amongst them the last minute joiners and Eddie haters fans who just set out to make this place unbearable.

I wouldn't have minded Tommy so much if not for all the toxicity that brought with it and the poor writing and the money for specs from Lou.

Like wth dude, didn't anyone teach you to be correct, you can't justify Tommy's behavior in S2 and pass it as teasing. It's like punching someone in the face in rage or nearly break someone's ankle for attention and call it roughhousing. (not joking, I literally had an ask with someone justifying the white man railroading the POC for attention as roughhousing. - When Buck himself said he wasn't sure it wasn't done on purpose. like wtf?)

lol I live for those tags, everyone say their real thoughts and be funny in tags, it's so much fun.

I literally bonded with that block button, I haven't blocked so many ppl since early S4 and the porn bots attack lol

Ppl need to chill, everyone is entitled to their opinions but are not entitled to force it upon others.

Ship who you want but tag properly and don't be toxic about.

A lot of ppl read X's posts and come to rant about it here, Tumblr is not X, most of the ppl here are ppl who hate X's toxicity. I have deleted my account so many years ago.

We are here to have fun, so I say ship who you want, TAG PROPERLY, and leave us the hell alone.

Eddie/Ryan haters are all blocked so thankfully I don't see those, but if after everything they still hate on Eddie for something Ryan apologized several times for, learned from it and has bettered himself to the point that Aisha posted a thankful for Ryan story once and they have so many pictures together where she hugs him like he's one of the most precious ppl to ever live, than I have to call pure racism.

And that would explain the sudden admiration to the new white man on screen to be paired with the other white man who is by chance also the fan favorite.

Don't get it twisted, I love Oliver and Oliver loves Ryan and Eddie, but one has to wonder about the audience's choice of favorite even as they call against racism and for equality and with the same breath hate on a regular poc character.

I'm hoping this bizarre season ends on a good note, because otherwise S8 may be the last season.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

[egcdeath]

never go to bed angry

pairing: patrick zweig x reader

summary: under the immense pressure of the suburbs, you and patrick deal with the fallout of an argument. 

word count: 1.9k

warnings: domesticity, PTA, a little angst, mostly fluff, you have a (currently unnamed) child, you’re a little emotionally constipated

author’s note: shoutout to 🫀 anon for breaking my writers block and inspiring this fic! i’m thinking that this will be part of a series of vignettes so let me know if you’d like to be tagged in any future fics! 

Every couple that had been married for a long time always gave you the same piece of advice: Never go to bed angry. 

Though this advice seemed simple, it was much easier said than done. Since your move to suburbia, the den of your home had become somewhat of a second bedroom to Patrick, a place where he could retreat in the aftermath of your arguments.

While you hadn’t argued much while you were hopping from city to city, living out of hotel rooms with your daughter and your athlete husband, the pressure of your small town had changed that completely. Now, your Cold War style arguments felt commonplace, and often left you sleeping alone in a bed that felt far too big for one person. 

Like many recent nights, tonight was one of those nights. You and Patrick had gotten into a small disagreement after he’d been much too outspoken at a PTA meeting, stirring up unnecessary drama with a few other parents for no real reason. That small disagreement spiraled while the two of you drove home, with Patrick insisting that his dispute at the meeting was completely necessary. You strongly disagreed. 

Your disagreement wasn’t made any better once you arrived back at home. The minute you relieved the babysitter of her duties, Patrick went right back to insisting that he was in the right in a situation where he was very obviously in the wrong. He continued to bring this up as he cooked dinner, leaving you no other option but to remove yourself from the situation. 

For the rest of the evening, you kept your negative thoughts to yourself. Clearly, your disagreement wasn’t very productive. 

While you were technically still in an argument, it was by far one of the more tame arguments you’d been in—which was why it came as such a surprise when you stepped out of the shower to find Patrick’s side of the bed vacant and pillowless. 

Disappointed, but not particularly surprised, you sat down in bed and patiently waited for sleep to take you under. 

Turning to your side, you secretly hoped that your daughter would burst into the room, seeking solace in you and her father after having a bad dream. As much as you’d love her company, you knew that this outcome was unlikely, since your daughter was starting to grow out of her phase of coming to you after having a nightmare. 

Part of you wished that Patrick would stroll right back in, ready to argue with you and plead for you to fight for your relationship. Though there was a time in your relationship where most of your arguments ended that way, Patrick hadn’t been doing much of that lately, realizing that you would rather ice him out than confront him with your feelings. With that in mind, you realized that you were likely on your own for the rest of the night. 

You sighed as you curled further into yourself, missing the weight of Patrick’s muscular arm holding onto you possessively and the practically unbearable heat of his body behind you. Even if you ended up separating during the night, it was rare that the two of you didn’t start your bedtime routine with a romantic cuddle. 

You glanced at the door to your bedroom, as if you could produce your husband from thinking about him hard enough. Despite your best efforts, Patrick did not come out to talk to you, nor did your daughter. 

In an abrupt movement, you sat up and got out of bed. You hastily began to walk towards your door, knowing that if you thought too hard about your actions, you might end up backing out. 

You shuffled out of your room, listening for the telltale sound of Patrick’s soft snores. When you didn’t hear them, you kept moving forward, passing your daughter’s bedroom and peeking into the room to find her sleeping peacefully. You reminded yourself that you weren’t just doing this for you, but for the sake of your family. 

The den was your next stop, where Patrick was lounging on his makeshift bed for the night. He looked up at you from a book as if he was surprised, although he’d certainly heard the sound of you making your way through your home. Maybe he thought you were stopping by the fridge for a midnight snack after your tense dinner ended in neither of you eating much. 

“Hey,” you greeted casually, as if you weren’t in the midst of a tense, domestic battle. 

“Hi,” Patrick replied, setting his book down and blinking up at you. You knew him well enough to recognize his confusion. You were never the person to break the ice after an argument, so what you were doing now clearly took him by surprise. 

“Can I sit?” you asked, feeling a little awkward standing above your husband. You slipped your hands into your pockets, hoping that having something to do with your hands would quell your anxieties. 

“Of course,” he said, scooting over on the couch-turned-bed and patting the spot he made for you. 

“I always forget how soft this is. We made a good furniture choice,” you commented as you sat, making polite small talk that easily danced around having to apologize or talk about your feelings. 

“It’s like we picked it knowing that I’d be sleeping on it every other night,” Patrick joked, though you didn’t find it particularly funny. “Sorry,” he followed up once he noticed your lack of laughter. 

“No, it was funny,” you assured him, not wanting to make things any worse. “It was just…” you trailed off. 

“Too soon?” Patrick asked, picking right up where you left off. He always seemed to be better at expressing these things than you were. That was one of the many things you loved about him. 

“Yeah. Are you staying out here tonight?” you asked, hoping your question would tell Patrick that you didn’t want him to sleep in the den without explicitly expressing it. 

“Depends. Do you want me to?” he asked, leaning over and pushing a strand of hair back behind your ear. You leaned into his gentle act of affection. 

“No?” you replied after a bit of hesitation. You didn’t want to pressure Patrick if he was angry enough with you to stay away from you, but you also didn’t want to be alone. 

“Honey,” Patrick began softly. “Just be honest with me. Do you really want me to sleep in here or come back to our room?”

You blinked at him, unsure of why it was so difficult for you to just be forthcoming with your emotions. It was always so much easier to express yourself when Patrick anticipated your needs. Surely, he knew that you wanted to sleep next to him. You always did. 

“You should come back. If you want,” you added the last part abruptly, hoping you weren’t pressuring him one way or another. 

“What do you want?” he pressed you further. 

Just as you opened your mouth to respond, you heard the familiar pitter-patter of your daughter’s feet. The two of you turned your attention to the girl, who was currently clutching a stuffed animal and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. 

“Did you guys build a pillow fort without me?” she asked, sounding a little offended as she approached the two of you. 

“Never! We were just about to invite you,” you lied easily, somewhat appreciative for the interruption in the midst of Patrick trying to teach you how to be direct. 

“Uh-huh,” she said, unbelieving as she crawled into your lap. Even as young as she was, she’d already taken on her father’s sass. 

“We’d never make a pillow fort without you, Bug,” Patrick told her, moving to sit next to the two of you. 

“Clearly, you just did,” she said with a pout. Her theatrics reminded you of Patrick, and how he always seemed to have his emotions written all over his face. You broke into a soft smile as you thought about the resemblances between your beloved husband and daughter. “It’s not funny, mommy.”

“I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s not,” you assured her. “How about this: We can go back to sleep tonight, and tomorrow we’ll all work together and make the most amazing pillow fort ever. Deal?”

“Hmm…” she pondered, putting her hand to her chin as she pretended to think about it, though she’d already made up her mind.  “Deal.”

As soon as you began to move your daughter off your lap, Patrick swooped in and grabbed her, picking her up and standing up at the same time. “You and Mr. Teddy are gonna have so much fun tomorrow,” he told her as he carried her to her room, your daughter giggling as Patrick booped her nose. 

“What are we gonna do?” she asked. 

“Maybe another tea party? What do you guys wanna do?” he asked, their voices fading as they made it back to her room.

You figured that you would take this opportunity to gather Patrick’s bedtime belongings back to your bedroom. If Patrick really wanted to know what you wanted, it couldn’t get more straightforward than you wordlessly moving all of his items. 

As you walked back to your bedroom with blankets and pillows in hand, you caught a quick glimpse into your daughter’s room, where Patrick was quietly talking to your very sleepy child. You wanted to linger, to watch him and remind yourself of how special your family was, but you decided against staring for too long. 

Still, it was an extremely cute sight. Overwhelmed with many emotions, you felt grateful that you picked Patrick to start a family with, despite some of the drama that the two of you stirred up. 

When Patrick returned to your bedroom, you were fluffing out his pillow on his side of the bed. He opened his mouth to speak, surely preparing to ask you about his moved belongings. Not wanting to deal with that conversation, you beat him to the punch with a simple, “C’mere.”

He didn’t need to be told twice, as he obediently climbed into bed with you. He looked at you expectantly, as if he was waiting for the next directions that would leave your mouth. Unfortunately for him and fortunately for you, you weren’t in the mood for words. 

You practically launched yourself at Patrick as you pulled him into a hug, tense PTA meeting, car ride, and dinner completely forgotten as you melted into his solid embrace. When the two of you slotted together like puzzle pieces, it was hard to remember why you were mad at him in the first place. 

Maybe you should talk about your argument, or how difficult it was for you to talk about your feelings, or how your husband’s outspokenness at meetings was beginning to take a toll on some of your friendships with other moms in the neighborhood—but none of that really mattered to you once you were back in Patrick’s arms. 

“I love you,” he told you as you buried your nose into your neck, soothed by his familiar scent and solid, comforting body. 

It was exactly what you needed to hear, a reassurance that at the end of the day, he would still be by your side, no matter the antics you’d put each other through. 

“I love you too.”

It wasn’t addressing the elephant in the room, but in that moment, it was enough.

[trainsinanime]

Your favorite fanfic writer doesn't know (but would like to)

Let's talk about comments on fanfics. This is not meant as a guide or call to action, just a bit of observations. Personally, I always saw it as impolite to ask for reviews or kudos or comments or likes or reblogs or whatever. That's not a rational point of view, it just reflects how I am. And people actually telling others that they have to leave any of this feedback? I've blocked folks over that. In my mind that's not okay. I'm not announcing a change of that, this is not a policy, just some deep-seated mental issues, but I want to write down some more things that have been going through my mind, from the perspective of someone who occasionally writes fanfics. My previous suggestion in this regard was mostly to write some fanfic yourself and see what happens and what you'd like to happen, because it's genuinely fun and I think you probably have more to say than you realise.

But there's also another point here, and that is that your favourite fanfic writer has no idea that they are. If you're anything like me, then it will seem like the great writers in your fandom are obvious. Also, the last time you bought Blåhajs, it ended with you having to flee a smoke-filled subway tunnel. The great stories and great writers in your universe are facts of nature. You read a story and you think, "this is the greatest thing I've ever seen." A story rewires your brain chemistry forever. You keep coming back and reading that one fic whenever the mood hits you. It feels obvious that this story is great. How could it not be?

It feels trite to say that the author of that fic doesn't know that unless you tell them, but it's hard to really understand the feeling unless you've been there yourself. You write a story, but is it any good? Maybe you get a lot of kudos, or maybe very little, but what does either of that mean? Kudos can mean literally anything from "loved this" to "didn't close the tab in disgust". Maybe you just got unlucky. Maybe you just got lucky. What do these numbers mean? What is a good number of kudos? 1? 10? 100? 1000? Should I calculate ratios? How do I know whether people like this?

In light of this, a comment where someone just said, "I loved this", has an almost incalculable worth. A comment where someone says they read this over and over again, or quotes lines they loved, or something? You can't imagine how valuable that is. A while ago someone told me "a couple of us are talking about this on Discord, we love it and we keep repeating our favorite lines". I thanked them, but I was too polite to say, "really? What are they saying? Which are your favorite lines? How many people are there who love it? What are their names? Which lines are the favorite ones, please, tell me!". Part of me still regrets that, because I so desperately want to know! I don't think it was a public Discord and I never heard from the others on it, but just the idea that they're out there and they like my story was so powerful. (By the way, it's not on any account that's linked from here, please don't try to find that comment.)

Now, I firmly believe that you, as a reader, don't have to care about any of that. I know there are people who disagree with me on this point, very strongly in fact, but I don't think it's necessarily your job to care. It's great if you do, and I think a lot of you do in fact care, that's why I'm writing this. But if you haven't thought about that or don't feel comfortable leaving comments or whatever, that's fine, that's normal, and you are in fact part of the majority. Any well-adjusted fic author has found ways to deal with this. They have learned to love writing for its own sake, or they love re-reading their own fics, or they have a couple of trusted friends who like their work, or ideally all three. Personally I was scared of Discord for the longest time, but it really helps with that. One person who you sort of know going "hey that's neat" can outweigh just about anything else. (Still, there will be days when you post something and you won't get a response and that just plain sucks, no two ways about it.)

But if you do care, if you think it's important that a fanfic writer knows what they mean to you, not because of any concern about the wider unpaid fan creator economy but just because of the way their work affected you, then this is important. Your favorite fanfic writer probably doesn't know and/or believe that they're anyone's favorite, and even if they do, a reminder or learning that someone knew found them will make them incredibly happy. And obviously, all of that applies at least just as much to all the beginners with potential that are out there. So if you're wondering whether it's worth it leaving a comment that says how much you enjoyed something: It probably is. And if you shared this with others and they loved it, or if this is your favourite fic, or if you enjoy how original it is, or how well it does your favourite tropes, or anything like that, the writer is going to be so happy to hear that.

A final aside: This obviously applies even more when it's about fandoms, pairings, subject matter and in particular ratings that are considered a bit embarrassing. Writers who write stuff that, say, happens to be E-rated for whatever reason, doesn't matter, will probably get fewer kudos and comments just because people are embarrassed to have their names show up in the Kudos and Comment sections. If that's you, just a note that it is perfectly okay to comment anonymously, or to create a second separate account for leaving kudos on, commenting on and maybe even posting the somewhat more risqué stuff. Now I'm not saying I have one of these second accounts, at least I'm not saying that in public, but it is an option worth considering.

[joyswonderland1108]

JK deserves better.

I can't believe i keep on coming back to talk about shitty subjects because this damn fandom can't give the boys a rest.

Feel free to disagree, feel free to fucking block me if you do strongly disagree but a gentle reminder, i am here for the tannies and the tannies only. With that being said, FUCK , and i mean this with all disrespect, them JK solos. Fuck all solos but this post is about JK so imma focus on what is going on.

Honestly i have a lot of shit to say but so little organisation in my head that this post might end up becoming a whole ass mess but bear with me. Now if you really do love JK this post will make a lot of sense for you.

Do i start off again by talking about the "world tour" rumors? Yes, let's do that.

World Tour

I guess i've already mentioned this in previous posts but i also want to add a small detail that JK himself talked about. I feel like there's this obsession with JK doing a world tour that is turning into an entitlement uncaring about JK really.. Army want JK to do a world tour, JK himself talked about it, said many times before that if he was to do a world tour it wouldn't be now, not enough songs, not enough time, he also talked not ONCE not TWICE about wanting to reunite with the boys in 2025.

Now the other detail that i wanted to add was the pressure, whether you like it or not, JK WAS pressured, he was supposed to release an EP but somehow in the process he was pressured to take more and that boy had to fucking record 5 songs in the span of a week, he also had a very condensed time frame to get everything ready to release a full length album, well what turned out to be a full length album. We've all seen it, his schedules were hectic AF to the point where JK looked sick at times in the airport, that boy was so fucking tired, Jimin also expressed concern over his health, and who are we to know better than them? The boys see him and know about him more than we will ever do and even they saw how it was fucking tiring for him.

In Suchwita JK mentioned that while yes a world tour is great but FOR NOW he wants to wrap it up with music shows (You'll have to excuse me i'm a whole mess so i'm not sure where to look for ss of exact moments i'm talking about my files are all messy but you know what i'm talking about.. hopefully) Now.. If and i say IF somehow there is a world tour announcement just know that this is part of the whole pressure. I don't even know how to explain it but if JK was pressured into releasing a full length album when he himself said WAY BEFORE that it would be an EP, then don't be surprised that he'd be pressured to do that damn world tour cause some ARMY can't shut the fuck up for the life of them.

Y'all seem to not give two fucks about this man's health, a world tour means even more hectic schedules for JK, instead of wanting that man to fucking rest, get healthy again, and actually wait for him, give him time to be ready physically and mentally, y'all want to rush him into giving you everything all at once because of your own enjoyment forgetting that he is not a machine, that he is a human being that is bound to break at some point.

You would think that after seeing how Yoongi looked tired af during his tour these people would have mercy on JK but no. And whether we like it or not, JK will have to enlist too and at the very least he should be well rested before starting his MS, burning him out and making him overwork himself just for him to have to do his military service next is actually cruel but let me guess, Army don't give a fuck about this now do they? They're still keeping in mind that baseless theory about JK enlisting way later.

Which takes us to the second point, MS.

Military Service

Just how many fucking times does JK have to tell y'all that he WANTS to reunite with the boys in 2025 for y'all to fucking understand that this is not about YOU it's about JK and his willingness to be with the other members. People just don't seem to realize how freeing it is to put MS behind your back, it's not just for Queer people, even if you're straight MS is very restricting for you so why on earth would JK want to be bound by a restriction for even longer?

And let's just go by these solos logic, JK is still young and doesn't have to enlist now, okay. By the time all the members will be done with their MS, JK will be of an age where he won't be able to postpone his anymore, and the result? All 6 members will be out ready to resume their group activities BUT JK. And then everybody will complain "How dare they resume their activities without their golden maknae" or they'll have to yet again set a hiatus and i don't think a hiatus is the first thing a group is looking for after their MS, a hiatus is the very last thing they think about when planning for a come back after MS.

I don't know if people see any logic in their very selfish thinking or..? Like please, do y'all even listen to JK? Do his words to you mean nothing? Is he just talking in an empty barrel? He has been telling us, not anyone else but US, he wants US to understand but somehow some people just can't seem to grasp at the reality of things. Is it that hard to support him on what he wants?

Moving on to the third point, and again i believe i did talk about this in a previous post or posts too but, those very disgusting song interpretations that for some damn reason is always coming from the hets (with all due respect to the respectful hets out there)

Song Interpretations

When he told Zane that the songs didn't reflect his real life i was wondering.. Did he perhaps see all those disgusting and disturbing interpretations of his previous songs aka Seven and 3D by het Army on Tiktok? It really had me thinking whether he just wanted to mention that because.. or did he really see those damned interpretations and he felt the need to put that in there just in case.

I mean when JK decided to show a more mature side of him, i'm pretty sure his intentions weren't for us to see him as your typical het fuckboy and exactly how is someone singing about sex making him a fuckboy? Since when does having a sex life makes you a fuckboy? Can't people committed to one person not have a sex life or..? Why does this boys always have to come here to clarify things?

Like can't y'all just be normal and at the very least do cute and funny interpretations instead of making it absolutely horrifying and i'm not even going to talk again about the photocards during Music Bank that fucking Tiktok Army gave a vile interpretation to..

The thing is, it doesn't stop at just ARMY there are other people who are as disgusting as some Army really.. Which takes me to my last point and i'm not even gonna say much about it cause this is worthy of a whole ass post that honestly i don't feel too much dedication for to make..

The Acquaintances

Do i have to say again that i'm here for the tannies and the tannies only? Well not just me but many of us are actually, so can some of you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!! Stop hyping up every single person that in a way or another has had a connection to the boys?

Seeing a damn journalist ditch professionalism and acting like a 12yo stan in the name of JK is just so.. WTF? You know things? Good for you but how about you shut the fuck up and let JK or the company do the announcement. I'm tired of seeing JK come to us everytime looking disappointed that we already know about what he might've been excited to announce to us HIMSELF. It's just so sad to see him go like "Oh i guess you already know.." Like.. No baby we do not please tell us, like PLEASE stop taking the excitement away from him, i would absolutely hate it to want to announce something related to ME just for a damn stranger to do it in my place.

You got the opportunity to work with JK, or as a professional to know things about JK? Amazing! Good for you, but please, it is not your place to be acting like those fake tea accounts on the tl.. Keep it to yourself or at the very least make one good post about it and shut the fucking fuck up until whatever is supposed to come out does then you can hype it up all you want.

Same for anyone who is working with JK, y'all need to stop giving them too much clout because the moment they end up being problematic, know that it is your own damn fault that haters end up coming for JK because y'all can't seem to put a difference between JK and the people who work with him, you always link them together and put them in the same box which ends up being a green light for haters to lump him into the same category as those problematic people.

Yes it is decent to have respect for the people working with the tannies as long as they do deserve that respect, once they show their true colors we do NOT have to keep that respect, now i'm not saying we should fight them but simply there is no need to hype them up. JK is not the people who are working with him and the people who are working with JK are not JK. Stop putting a label on what are those people to JK, Scooter is a whole ass dick but just because he is involved in JK's album it doesn't mean JK is the same as him, this and that are two different things and same for any single person who is working with any member.

We do not have to bootlick people just because they are working with BTS because i repeat the moment these people show their true colors it becomes a whole mess and our boys end up being dragged into a hell fest of hate, UNPROVOKED.

With that being said, please have some respect for JK, hype HIM up, show HIM support and please respect his own decisions, HIS DECISIONS, not someone else's but his.

AND STREAM GOLDEN!!!

[actual-changeling]

Hello everyone, I am still being harassed!

I have made a similar post to his before, but unfortunately the issue has not resolved itself—it's gotten worse. No matter how much I try to ignore the fandom, I keep getting attacked, insulted, degraded, and more.

This is not a call-out post, this is not about "fandom drama", this is about real, living people being bullied and harassed for no reason. I am not the only one and many have both the fandom and tumblr for good. No matter how much you disagree with someone's interpretation of a show, abusing them for it is never justified.

Before I explain further, I want to show y'all an excerpt from the official tumblr community guidelines/the rules they are breaking:

My posts are being rebglogged, screenshotted, and reposted in abusive ways. I am openly being targeted, harassed, bullied, and verbally abused. I am also receiving intense hate via anonymous asks.

I have blocked as many people as possible, I have locked my blog so no one without an account can see it, I block every new account that is openly involved with this, I have restricted replies to people that have been following me for a minimum of one week, I have been deleting every anon hate I received—but nothing helped.

I have already reported them to tumblr but the moderators have yet to take action (not a surprise). So if you have any interesting in myself and other people not being subjected to bullying, I highly recommend you block the following blogs.

The most prominent and active ones are

@/aziraphaledefensesquad and @/badaziraphaletakes

If you do not want to block everyone on the list, I am strongly encouraging you to at least block these two accounts since they are providing a public platform for the harassment and abuse.

This list is compiled by checking the tags and reblogs on posts harassing me to see who interacts with them and if/how they participate in it. If you ended up on this list despite not being a aprt of the abuse, please do not hesitate to reach out to me/have someone else reach out to me so I can remedy my mistake.

I am not posting this as some sort of "revenge" or to start a fight. I am posting this because I want people to be able to take preemptive measures and block who they want to block.

If you have been blocked my be, I am kindly asking you to stop circumventing the block feature and/or using other measured to access my posts.

You can find the block list under the cut. If you think there is another account to add, feel free to message me or comment on this post.

edit: Said blogs have found this post, and while this was not breaking any community guidelines, I have decided to delete the list. If you would like to see it, my dms are open.

[fearandhatred]

wait guys hold on because i genuinely think this is a problem that needs to be addressed. you can disagree with people's opinions or interpretations of a show, but why are we normalising having a whole account that spends so much time dedicated to doing so? no matter how outlandish a take is, i don't think it excuses having someone looming over you calling you out at the slightest personal disagreement, nor do i think it's at all dignified.

because at this point you're not doing this to promote healthy discussion or to even discuss at all, you're just doing it for entertainment and self-satisfaction. and when you continue to seek out and argue with someone who has blocked you or made it clear that they do not want you to do so, at some point it's just distasteful.

respectfully, step back for a moment and really think about how this all looks, please. it's just a show, and by that i don't mean "it's not that deep" because yes, sometimes it is that deep. a show could be bad or present itself as purely comedic or silly but it is still deep if it means something to you. but you guys forget that this goes BOTH ways. if someone has a wildly different interpretation because they relate to something you may not, idk how to tell y'all that that is okay.

yeah sometimes it is that deep, but on the other hand, it is NEVER that serious. and by that i mean fiction is never so serious that you have to start fistfighting each other over it or sending hate or engaging in any discussion that isn't civilised. you are free to feel as strongly about any piece of media as you want and you can strongly disagree with someone else and that is valid! but is it that hard to just block them? i don't see the point in feeding discourse no matter the situation, especially when you're not even engaging with the original poster and trying to see their points of view. it's always very surprising to me to consistently see big accounts encourage this.

deep ≠ serious aka it is never an excuse to be a horrible person, and it's never an excuse to express your opinions behind people's backs and make entertainment out of it. go smoke some weed

[taylortruther]

Sometimes I wonder yk if YLM was never released, would the public perception of Joever be very different today?

I remember a lot of people were actually buying the 'mutual breakup' theories before that bombshell of a song dropped, and ever since then everyone's jumped on to the "Joe Alwyn is the villain" bandwagon.

Obviously that might be true, we don't know anything as of yet...but that's exactly it, we don't know ANYTHING, and we're making vast assumptions based on that one song.

A lot of people will tell you on here that Taylor doesn't like us speculating who and what her songs are about, but in the case of YLM I think she very obviously meant to send a clear message.

The song wasn't even widely available, and she knew that only die-hard fans would have access to it before she fully released it. I think Taylor really wanted US to know, and that's it. There's really no other explanation for it. The wound was still fresh, and she didn't want to make a spectacle out of it.

You pointed out that she hates being misunderstood, and that's a great point. Ig she was seeing all these ludicrous theories floating around about the breakup...and decided to immediately tell her side of the story to put it all to rest.

She was also closing the Midnights chapter with that song which is very interesting to me for a different reason. You see, Midnights as an album was essentially supposed to document the stories of 20 sleepless nights spread out through her life. We all know this. Now the popular theory is that each of these 20 songs are referring to periods of her life in the PAST. They're juggling themes of lost love, growing up, revenge and clarity and finally her happy ending with Joe.

If you hadn't heard of the breakup, you wouldn't be able to tell it happened just from hearing Midnights. I feel like each and every single song in Midnights is related to a phase in her life chronologically preceeding YLM.

Regardless of when YLM was actually written, the song itself documents the twilight of a once great love story that's currently fraying at the seams. Taylor was in the Lavender Haze throughout all her previous nights, eyes closed, world blocked out...YLM was her waking up.

It's the most recent night, and maybe even the one she was living through when the album came out. The rest of the album is her processing her past, and YLM is the bleak reality of her present. In this context it's safe to say that she was holding onto the glory of the relationship through songs like Paris, Sweet Nothings and The Great War...other sleepless nights of her life and juxtaposing it with her current one.

I don't think Midnights would feel complete without YLM. I think she desperately needed to get that one out.

this was a really enjoyable read from start to finish, anon, thank you for sharing! i agree that our communal perception of joe would be different without YLM. she knows that. that's why it felt so pointed! it really, strongly feels like taylor is sending a message with YLM (some may disagree ;)) and i think it's very much her way of saying, "now that homeboy's not my homeland anymore, i have nothing to defend. here's the truth."

[rangercorpstherapy]

To the latest fandom take:

I strongly disagree with the take "new posts are cringe and low effort". Brother (gender neutral), trust me, you shaming them is so embarrassing. Let people enjoy what they want to enjoy. You're not held down by chains with your eyes forcefully open to look at those posts. Just scroll past or block accounts you don't like. Instead of being joyful about new people joining in, you chose to be bitter about what they post. We were all at that age. Stop picking on younger teens. Hell, it isn't about age. Every post, as long as it is not harmful, is valid and as long as its author enjoys it and enjoys sharing, don't stomp on it. That way, we'll get less and less posts. So what that people keep posting headcanons or essays that are "obvious" or were here before? Those people weren't here before. Let them DISCOVER the wonderful RA world for themselves and share that excitement. And if those posts don't satisfy? WRITE YOUR OWN. Thank you, cheff.

However, what I want to draw attention to (now speaking to everyone), is the remark about fanartists. I know some that left or stopped actively creating for the reason that they felt not appreciated. It goes deeper than that. In the world built on capitalism and consumerism, amateur artists (who are also human beings who seek assurance and positive encouraging feedback) and who come to fandom to share their free artwork for fun and for interaction that gives them motivation to go on, are not some machines that come automatically giving content. Consuming their art and using it without even interacting, especially in this small fandom, can feel draining and this is not what the fanartists came here to do. If you look at it through their eyes, would you continue to do art if you felt it hasn't found its audience or if the audience felt passive about it? You do not have to like some art work. I get it, we all have our own taste. But if you do not support artists, especially beginning ones, it's really easy to lose the motivation. And you're robbing yourself. Imagine some artist who would have become great and eventually posted the art you like, is not sharing their art because they didn't feel motivated.

In conclusion. OP of the prev fandom take, I definitely do not agree with your opinion on ra tag and posts. I also don't like the tone in which you wrote your whole ask. But, everyone, I do believe there's a tiny thing that's worth giving a thought in the part about fanart.

All I see lately is people complaining there aren't good posts or that fandom is dying. Babes, if you're not gonna interact with things, either posts or art or fics or whatever, of course the activity is gonna die down. But also I do think that on the other hand, people who say stuff like "we don't have content anymore are the ones who purposefully ignore posts of the newer blogs just because it isn't entirely their taste and then say this fandom is desolated wasteland about to be hit by dinosaur killing meteorite. Valid, you don't have to reblog stuff that you don't want to. But then stop complaining about that fact there isn't stuff and either shut up and move on or contribute yourself.

Pessimism and toxicity isn't what this fandom needs and to be real I am tired of these fandom takes that what is actually bringing this fandom down. Complaints and call outs to toxic and harmful behaviour is valid and shouldn't be suppressed and please, everyone don't ever be afraid to do that. But these shaming takes and asks, is like chasing and biting your own tail and then complaining it hurts. I'd really appreciate it if some of you could refrain from shaming people who harmlessly enjoy stuff. Bye.

x

[stormblessed95]

I'm Stepping Away For A While...

Over the past week, and then some, I have been called a multitude of names in an effort to make fun of me and rude names including wh*re, p**sy, bitch, a liar, a fake, etc. I've been told I'm a fake/bad ARMY, a fake jikooker, etc. Ive had people call my friends deragatory names and misgender them. And I've also had someone in my DMs try to gaslight me into believing that this was not harassment or Bullying, but that I should apologize to my followers for threatening to block people and that people were just expressing strongly worded commentary over how my actions hurt them. And that I needed to take responsibility for creating the drama at all. And none of that is okay, and honestly it's been a lot. And the way people just brushed over the name calling and harassment regardless of if they disagreed with me or liked me, that was a lot too.

Blocking people to curate my space is not harassment or bullying or disrespectful. Its simply protecting myself and trying to curate a safe space for me personally. Nor have I ever started a hate campaign to try and drive another blogger off the platform. And if a post of mine encouraged people to send messages or hurtful asks to someone else, and I KNEW about it, I would've said something and asked them to stop. Sharing an opinion or disagreeing with someone is not me sending anyone hate. Nor would I ever want that for anyone regardless of any disagreements we had over whatever topic.

I've lost quite a few followers over the past week, people believing things that are being said and that's fine, i was never here for the numbers anyway. Id rather you unfollow or block me peacefully if you dont like me or my posts. Some of the people engaging with this hate against me were honestly surprising. But it is what it is. But I don't feel safe in this space anymore. I honestly haven't for a while. Blogging isn't as fun anymore. I don't want to post while it feels like a chore. And that's not because of anyone or anything in particular. I opened this blog because it brought me joy and it was fun. And it's really sad that something that brought me happiness is no longer doing that for me. It's not just all this drama either. It's probably been awhile coming, making my timeline posts for longer posts felt more like something I had to do for you all instead of something I wanted to do for me. And that's not what I want for this space.

So I'll be stepping away for awhile. When or if I come back will depend on if I can get that joy back for doing this and I feel like this can be a fun corner of the internet for all of us together again. And also for if I feel like I can do this without it being so mentally draining and just not good for my mental health like it has been lately.

I'll leave my blog here and my masterlist because I know that a lot of people enjoy the archive of some past content I have cataloged there. I don't want to take that away from anyone for that reason alone since I want people to be able to access that content if they can't otherwise find it. I also want the option to be able to come back to this blog again at some point. So I don't want to delete it or say I'm stepping away permanently, nor do I want people wondering what happened to me or anything. I just need a break. I do apologize for all the post series I have started that are remaining unfinished now for a little while.

If you want to unfollow me knowing that I'll be absent from here for awhile or for any other reason, that's totally fine. Honest. No hard feelings. I wish you well and hope everyone will continue to do well and enjoy the next few months of music, content and love from the members. Maybe I'll try to be back in time for JJK1 whenever that happens.

Again, this is just something I need. I'm okay, I'm not hurt or upset. I just need a break. I appreciate you all understanding. I'll still be in this fandom and be ARMY for life. I'll still be around for the next day or so. Thank you for understanding. I do love you guys and hope to back as soon as I'm able to.

[controversial-blorbo-bracket]

Controversial Character Tournament Round 2: Light Yagami from Death Note vs Edelgard von Hresvelg from Fire Emblem: Three Houses

(remember that these characters are fictional and your fellow tumblr users are real. please be normal in the notes, i will not hesitate to block if you harass people)

Propaganda under the cut, may contain spoilers:

Light Yagami:

LOVE: - "He does some messed up things but have you considered: fucked up protagonists rock :)" HATE: - "this man makes me sick. ive genuinely had manic episodes over hating him. i have trauma from his existence in general. not even because of the murder. because hes a sexist cheater :(" - "My cousin and I frequently debate this. I think despite his 'intentions' he's ultimately a despicable character who cares for nobody but himself. She disagrees and says that he is just trying to do the right thing and making a difference in the world (she still thinks his actions are wrong, but she doesn't think he himself is despicable)" BOTH: - "I mean cmon man"

Edelgard Von Hresvelg:

LOVE: "People either claim she's the hero or the irredeemable villain with no in between. She's also my lovely wife who has never done anything wrong in her life." "I never even finished her route and remember nothing of what happens in that game but I DO remember the absolute warzone the fandom turned into because of her. She staged a coup and overthrew the head of the government/church and I think that's pretty cool of her. "But she committed war crimes!" God forbid women do anything." "I lied in the previous question. I don't hate her or love her in fact I have never even played this game. But I keep finding people making up Discourse™ featuring wild accusations of bigotry towards both Edelgard fans and Edelgard haters so I feel that she belongs here. (Also my friend hates her. but HER friend loves Edelgard. So even in my small social circle there is a clear polarization.)" "ok I don't have any solid propaganda because my opinion of her is more positive-neutral, but. she fits the spirit of this poll. trust me." "[three houses spoilers] Yes she started a war but it was the only apparent way to break the chokehold the church had over everyone in Fodlan. Also she’s the only lord you can gay marry so I’m hopelessly biased" "every time i go into the tag its either "edelgard is perfect no notes!!" or "edelgard is literally a fascist!!!". ive never seen someone with a neutral opinion of her. i yearn for battle." "I know very little about her to be quite honest! But good god. As a fire emblem fan for the GBA and engage. I have NEVER seen such a decisive character like Edelgard. Jesus Christ. I still find stuff in those tags. What the hell!!!" "I don’t even go to Fire Emblem but even I know that Edelgard has never done anything wrong, ever, in her entire life, and that if she did any war crimes they were a SUPER effective use of girl power. source: I am a lesbian. (realtalk I genuinely love a noble-minded extremist revolutionary and think Edelgard is a great character, so it’s kind of a shame that opinion on her seems to simply split down the line of “whether the person wants to kiss Edelgard or Dimitri more.”)"

HATE: "So on the one hand, she's fully willing to kill and burn and murder her way to a "better future" at the expense of the present, but on the other hand she's pretty cool and #girlboss. She's also a canon gay romance option, but idk if that makes her more or less problematic." "I just. I understand why people like her. I really do. And I don't have anything new to say for why I dislike her. Edelgard fans and stans have heard everything. She has great points and motivation, but her methods are wrong. She hitches her ideals to the first good opportunity and never reconsiders her allegiance when things go off the rails. She hates the church for "lying to people" and proceeds to lie to her own populace herself in her own route. She gives Claude an opportunity to live because she knows he believes in her goals. But Dimitri and his Kingdom are too beholden to the church to ever be offered such mercy. She herself acknowledges that the change she wants to see is more quickly enacted through war than subtle and slow societal change. She recognizes the human toll of her actions, but she justifies it through flowery language and an insistence that the change needs to happen now or it never will. I honestly find her so interesting, and I agree with a lot of her thoughts about the need for societal change in the world of FE:3H. But people latched onto her and propped her up as someone who can do no wrong. And that just never sat right with me. I just think she’s a hypocrite who got put in front of a shiny means to her end and was immediately blind to every other opportunity around her." BOTH: - "I dont even play fire emblem but I cant escape people not shutting up about how much they love or hate her" - "You said there were no hate answers for her...and I don't really hate her so it wouldn't be right but I wanted to balance things out some. She's the perfect storm of a character who sounds right and progressive and has a route all to herself that doesn't contradict that...but once you play other routes, it becomes clear she's kind of. full of misinformation. And attacking people who don't deserve it. Also a LOT of the divisiveness I'm willing to blame on the writers rather than her, for having her both be Evil Tyrant we NEED to take down and Sad Uwu Baby who just wants to eat cake and laze around and loves You the Player SO MUCH."

[onlyymirknows]

4, 7 and 8 👉👈

Hello! Thanks for the ask and nice to see you 👋

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I block people pretty liberally. Sometimes I use it as a mute button for people who post a lot of a certain content I’m not interested in. But in terms of blocking because I dislike the user, I’m not a fan of people who seek out others posts just to be mean on them. One of my first posts on here was about Gabi and someone hopped on the post to tell me how much they hate her. I blocked them pretty quickly.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

I don’t really hate any of the characters tbh. But I definitely have a mental bias against Eren, Zeke, and Floch because of the weirdos who argue that they were right? It’s slowly fading since leaving reddit but damn I got tired of “sigma Eren” and “chad Floch”

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

I haven’t really seen anyone talk about this one way or the other on tumblr. But amongst my friends on a different discord server, I strongly disagree with their insistence that Eren and Reiner are “the same.” Maybe they are in terms of their stupid levels of determination, desire to put their mark on the world, and willingness to do awful things.

But their motivations are so wildly different that I can’t compute them being the same. When Reiner says under the stage “it wasn’t my history and environment that made me this way” I laugh sadly at how untrue that is 🥲

maybe he thinks that’s his way of taking responsibility and that’s cool. But he was absolutely made by growing up in Marley with an abusive mother. His tenacity is at least in part rooted in the desire to get approval. This isn’t the case for Eren. It’s different.

[hyunsvngs]

juno hon please feel free to ignore this ask if it makes you uncomfortable 🫶🏻

I think the anon ask you recently answered is a prime example of how NOT to ask someone about potentially triggering topics. reading it just pissed me off so much because no matter how many cute emojis you put behind a question like that, it does not make the topic any nicer or more digestible for the person answering it. 

to that anon, please remember that there are real people on the other side of these blogs. people with traumas that you aren’t aware of. it was insensitive, and moreso selfish, to pose this question in the first place. especially when you could’ve gleaned your answer by reading juno’s carrd and wouldn’t had to have put her in the position to answer you.

you’re fortunate that juno is such an understanding and nice person, because I wouldn’t have been half as diplomatic answering that question. in fact I would’ve chewed anon the fuck out and blocked them after because regardless of the intentions, this shit ain’t cute. and yes, there are survivors who have their own ways of coping by consuming content that may be triggering for others (including noncon). I’m not trying to shame anyone for having traumas or kinks, but like all traumas and kinks the most important thing before sharing them with others is consent.

juno’s blog is a safe space, but it always has to be safe for her first! she answered the ask so patiently and respectfully, so can we please be respectful in return? I hope anon learns from this, and in the future is more thoughtful in how they word questions like this. and, does a bit more digging before asking these sorts of questions. AGAIN, this isn’t about shaming anyone or judging the content they’re consuming, this is about etiquette and being careful with sensitive topics. 

I felt so strongly about this that I had to come off anon, but juno: I hope you know how much respect I have for you for handling this so maturely and setting clear boundaries. I hope you know how well you nurture a respectful community. And most of all, I hope you remember everyday that you are loved, you are kind, and that above all else you deserve comfort on your own blog. thank you for not sacrificing your comfort, and for upholding your own wellness. it’s very admirable.

sending you all my love, 🌨️ anon <3

(and if anyone disagrees with me please block me, I don’t like discourse but I will stand firm on this)

🩷🩷🩷thank u😔😔

[nefertittythegreat]

Hello, I was relieved to see a kind and reasonable reblog as opposed to what I've been exposed of the fandom these past days... You can privately answer this ask or not at all, I'd hate for you to get blocked by mutuals in the fandom LOL (guess who that happened to, whoops?) I wanted to ask you about the Ferdinand fic idea that got you stonewalled?

First, I'm not afraid to be seen interacting with you! You're one of the few people who interact with me directly in the fandom, when I have literally been dying for some sort of aob interaction. I have so much love for you already, though we've only interacted a few times! It will be a shame if my mutuals block me because of this. I understand they probably want to curate their blog to avoid any AoB hate. Sometimes, you just want to keep the good times rolling, and I get that.

It would be a shame since you and me differ in opinions on a lot regarding Aob. If you ingested any of my content, you would know. For one, I'm a fervent Fermyne shipper, and I'm a Ferdinand lover. My blog will always reflect that. I mean, i have a multiple fermyne post on my blog, but at the same time, I'm in the minority(?) that prefer Sylvester over Ferdinand. Funnily enough, when i joined the fandom over 2 years ago, speaking well about Sylvester was almost unheard of. I was still at the beginning of part 3 and couldn't understand, but in part 4, I got it even if I disagreed because he's just a good boy okay? He's trying his best😭😭

Either way, even though I wasn't interacting directly with the fandom, I learned early on that the nail that sticks out will be hammered down in this fandom. And my own interactions outside of tumblr haven't been pleasant. If me a person who falls primarily in the majority regarding my opinions is feeling this then i can only imagine what someone who has interpreted the series in a different way feels and I know I must not be alone in this feeling.

I want this fandom to be a place where we can discuss freely without fear. I want this fandom to feel welcoming. I've been a part of so many fandoms, and too many of them are toxic.

I'm sorry you're getting hate. I haven't seen it in the notes, so I'll assume you're either deleting it or it's in your asks. If so, I am disappointed with us a group. I understand loving something so strongly that you feel attacked, but interacting and analyzing in the way that you do is a form of love as well and has its place in fandom.

I believe we've grown in number here on tumblr over the past two years, and it's time to organize ourselves better to prevent stuff like this from happening in the future and help everyone curate their own experience as we navigate the main tag. To be honest, I'm not even sure if we have an "official" acronym for the series yet(Are we AoB or AoaB?), but I could just be out of the loop. Maybe we should have a tag specifically for discussions and analysis in this fandom?

I'm gonna be tagging this because I feel we as a community need to think on this, and im willing to start that discussion. I just want this fandom to be as welcoming and fun as possible for everyone. We are all never gonna completely agree, but we can have fun together on here like I believe we have been.

[emwritesstuff]

DYNAMO | Steve Rogers x Reader | part 5.

HYDRA has made their share of human experiments. You're just one of them. One of the least successful ones. One of the least functional ones. At least your life in the facility gave you a few things: unwavering resilience, cool(ish) superpowers and a great sense of humor. Steve Rogers would strongly disagree with that last one. A single chance encounter with him reluctantly brings you into the Avengers Compound, and you're determined to make his life as miserable as you can. Feeling's mutual.

AO3 | Masterlist | Playlist (coming soon!)

notes: The one where you make a bunch of probably very dumb decisions! This one has 18+ bits, marked by red dividers. MDNI. (warnings: mentions of human experimentation, health related stuff, brainwashing, cursing, smut(!!) ) (5.4K words)

5: OF MOMENTUM

Cap is waiting the second you leave the visiting room. He looks angrier than ever. It’s not like you didn’t see this coming – in fact, you’re actually shocked Fury managed to keep him at bay long enough for you to have a full conversation with Dr. Steiner.

“Before you begin your speech—”

“There is no speech. Start explaining why you went to talk to him. Alone.”

“Because, first of all, I don’t need babysitting, and second—” You round him up, now closer to the door than he is. You’re surprised he’s not actually blocking your path. “he wasn’t going to talk with anyone else! Not even Nat could make him open his mouth.”

And when Natasha fails at interrogation, well. Game’s usually lost.

He follows you along the maze of corridors as you try and find the way out.

“You do realize how this looks, don’t you? Going behind our backs and doing whatever you want is not—” As he says it you turn, getting right into his face and jamming a finger into his chest.

“Don’t you dare imply I’m teaming up with that HYDRA scum.” You hiss. “I don’t do that anymore, I told you. You’re just so used to everyone who doesn’t follow your book being labeled the bad guy that—”

“I didn’t say that. Bu you are putting everyone here in danger by—”

“I’m not! And I’m not on this goddamn madman’s side. I fled from the Brutkasten under a rain of bullets and a snowstorm! I chose to be here. Even though I know I’m ending up at the Raft at some point or another.”

There’s an ache in your chest, like a fishing hook pulling your organs down to the pit of your stomach. Steve Rogers would never trust you. You’d always be just another piece of shit he wants to wipe out from the world.

“You’re not—” Before he can make an empty promise, you walk out the main door and into the open air.

“Rogers, listen to me: I’m making the conscious choice to believe I have friends now – not you – even though I know this is all business. I know what I was part of. I know it now, but I didn’t then. They raised me to think that place was salvation.” You let out a shaky breath, crossing the cement pavement towards the helicopter Fury had arranged to bring you here. Cap’s motorcycle parked right next to it.

He’s still following you, looking at you with a heavy frown as you hop inside the transport. “I will not spend the rest of my life atoning for sins I didn’t know I was committing. But if you feel like hating me for it, go ahead. I can’t stop you. You’re Captain-Motherfucking-America, after all.”

You want to laugh at his lack of words. All you needed to get him to stop with his constant nagging was reverse verborrhage and a little oversharing. Who knew.

“But maybe not right now. You’re gonna want to meet me at the conference room when you get back. I got some potentially interesting intel.” You say, finally revealing the SD card between your fingers. “See ya, Cap.”

You slam the helicopter door right into Rogers’ face, slapping the pilot’s seat twice to signal you’re ready for take-off.

You could’ve kept this all under wraps. Could’ve said the conversation with Dr. Steiner was no dice, and opened the contents of the drive alone in your room.

Maybe you should’ve. And yet, something had truly shifted in you. This information had little to no use in your hands, and you’d have to share them with Dr. Banner anyway if you wanted anything to change in regards to your health and your powers.

Which brings you to the conference room, the entire Avengers chorus line sitting around you, waiting expectantly. You’ve already got an empty computer a malware couldn’t get anything from. Plugged the drive in. Entered the password, the obvious one.

7463000195. The same one you have under your sleeve. Easy.

He wants you to see what’s inside.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Fire it up, Sparky.” Tony earns himself a glare, and you’re about to speak when your answer walks in the door. The blonde hair slightly messy from the helmet, but you don’t spare a second glance for further detail.

“Couldn’t have given me a ride on that helicopter?”

“And you’d just leave your bike there?” Rogers shakes his head in defeat, and to celebrate, you do the honors and hit play on the video.

The only content inside the card Steiner had oh so benevolently given you.

It starts with a black screen, a location and a date.

Brutkasten. 24 März 2010.

You’re sitting on a chair inside your bedroom back at the Incubator. Baron Von Strucker is in front of you, watching as doctors and other staff fuss around. You’ve got the classic black HYDRA gear on.

There’s a bed, a small desk and bookcase. Lots of books. An old tube TV. No windows.

The date clicks. “It’s my first solo mission. I was 15 there.”

Fury nods. Steve frowns at you, and Natasha has an empathetic look on her face. You don’t dare notice anyone else.

Namen?

Asset. 7463.

Gut. Mission?

Ziehen.

“Extraction mission. In and out, invade a lab containing a serum for cell regeneration. I never seen it work on anyone when they tested it.” No one’s breathing. All you can see is yours and Strucker’s shapes on the screen now.

Wiederholen: and blood-black nothingness began to spin, a system of cells interlinked within one stem.

15-year-old you repeats dutifully after him. “What’s he doing now?” Sam asks.

You don’t answer. Hands grip your seat tightly. Shocked by the Doctor’s move.

Vernetzt. Vernetzt. Change of momentum with change of time. Noether-Theorem. Hail HYDRA.

Bereit?

You stand in the video, your hands lighting up blue, then your arms and the rest of your body. More power than you can summon now, seemingly without the pain that comes with it. Strucker claps once in satisfaction, and the video ends.

Heads turn in your direction. “That was my programming…Something like Bucky’s—”

You can see the people around shift into a defensive stance, like they’re getting ready for you to explode. You groan. “Not like that. They didn’t need to control me like that.”

It’s true. You did it all willingly. You didn’t know you had other options.

Natasha relaxes, and you could cry of gratitude “What’s it for then? Do you not remember?”

You wish you didn’t remember – but you do. You remember everything, every second, because that’s who you are. You’re sharp; your memory is sharp, your tongue is sharp, the edges of you are all sharp, and they leave you to bleed out whenever you see the numbers branded on your skin.

Covering them feels dishonest. It feels like a lie, so you wear your numbers like you wear everything else: right at the brim of your sleeve and open-faced, bared to the world, and people have to deal with it just as they have to deal with you.

“I do— it’s just… they don’t exactly tell the Assets all the reasons for their methods, you know?”

Fury takes a seat, turning the computer towards himself and playing the video again. “Maybe you could make use of it and find out.”

“No, she’s not doing that.” You sigh, surprisingly thankful fro Rogers, even though his reasons were obviously more about distrust than concern.

“In a controlled environment, of course.”

“Nick.”

You raise a hand when he tries to get Fury to shut the laptop down, getting up and closer to the big screen where the image of you is being mirrored.

It seems so… easy for her. Second-nature, like breathing.

A million questions run through your head, like what went wrong with you after that or why on Earth did Steiner want you to see this. Gave it to you on a silver platter, sure you’d come back to him. How could you harness so much energy at once? And so easily?

Is it the programming?

You access every piece of your memories you can, trying to retrieve an answer. They never told you what the words were for. Always used before missions. A similar ritual after them, during wind down.

During missions you were stellar. Flawless, unlike now. You remember most of it.

The only difference between you two is eight years and the use of the programming. When you fled HYDRA, you decided you were going to keep that part of you locked away forever and never think about it again.

The others behind you are discussing multiple theories when you speak up.

“It’s a fail-safe.” You turn around, hands shaking and bile rising up your throat. “Has to be! They put a fail-safe in me so no one could use my powers but them. The words unlock the rest of my – stuff – and make me function…”

You’re pacing, and Sam gets you to stop by grabbing the back of your t-shirt.

“Perfect, then!” Fury says, tapping his laser pointer on the table. “This solves everything. All of those side effects gone and we get a fully-functioning human taser on our roster.”

“Absolutely not.” Steve is still protesting, but your head is torn between the two choices. You want to stay here and for that you need to be useful. Fully-functioning. You also don’t want to be tied to whatever they put inside you. There’s so much pain interlaced with that.

If you keep using what HYDRA gave you, how are you ever going to be able to say you’re not a part of it anymore?

You don’t want to go back to being an asset. Being dysfunctional gave you character, as ironic as it was, like a chipped vase or a stain over otherwise pristine sheets.

“I’d rather… not do that, yeah.” You swallow, taking a seat again. Picking at your nail beds. Steve nods, and you watch his shoulders sag in slight relief. It’s not as contagious as you wish it would be.

The number of eyes on you makes your skin itch. Fury sends you a message through his one-eyed glaring – S.W.O.R.D will surely have feelings about your refusal to take the quickest route to becoming functional – the price matters too little to them.

Sliding the laptop closer, you remove the SD card after shutting everything down. “I’ll take this to Banner – see if that green brain has any brilliant ideas.” You don’t wait for their permission to leave the room, only halting when Steve calls out your name.

“Training tomorrow. Seven-sharp.” You roll your eyes. Back on schedule. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, seeing that today was a big reminder of how ingrained HYDRA was with your very being. Steve Rogers hates HYDRA. And you, who said with very big words that you weren’t going to be the one to stop him.

You mutually hate Steve Rogers.

Your mood is sourer than the entire sour patch at 7 in the morning. It doesn’t help that Bruce didn’t have any Eureka moments after listening to your theories about your programming. You don’t want to use it and you don’t want to go back to Dr. Steiner, and the feeling of being stuck makes any good spirits you have left in you shrivel and die.

Rogers is sitting at the edge of the fighting rink when you enter the gym, listening to something on his blue iPod. It looks too modern on him, but you have already teased him about carrying a Victrola around last week.

“What’s your soundtrack today? Gregorian chant?” It’s the first genre of music that comes to your head that could be traced back to the middle ages.

“Pink Floyd.” He says, removing the earbuds.

“Wow. Something about Another Brick in The Wall hitting home?”

He scowls and you smirk, but your lips curl back down pretty quickly. “Start warming up, Sparky.”

He hasn’t yet given up on the damn sparring sessions twice a week. You know his game now; he’s trying to get you to submit, so he can mold you into whatever he wants. Into a brick for the Avengers wall.

It’s safe to say you’re more sand and broken glass than you are clay - and today, like most days, you don’t mind the cuts that’ll give to his hands.

You pull a dirty move once you and Rogers have fallen into a rhythm consisting of verbal provocations and physical hits. Asking about his latest TV interview made Cap’s movements stutter. He goes on a lot of them, most go well - his charm and charisma to be credited for that - but some don’t. A lot of people like sharing with Captain America their bullshit opinions on the job only he can do.

You mention the one where he was pressed by the media about Bucky not being locked up and the risks concerning that - if it wasn’t a technical infringement of the Sokovia Accords. When you sense his concentration shift, you kick your heel up to his jaw, a flash of a grin when you hear his teeth clink.

You savor the victory until he catches his breath and gives you a side glance. “If they’re worried about Bucky, imagine what they’ll say when they hear about you.”

You’re hovering over him in an instant, snarling like a feral creature as your fist connects to the same place your heel did then. It’s almost surprising that you land the punch successfully, as if he’d let you. “I’m not a mindless killing machine.”

There’s no meaning behind your words. You never thought of Bucky this way, not after you met him here and he seemed more like a shy forest creature than a highly trained assassin. But in front of Steve Rogers, anything goes.

“I’d still trust the Winter Soldier before I trust you.”

“So being an idiot is also one of your super powers! Was that enhanced with the serum or—” Rogers manages to flip you over on the mat, face down. He presses his full body weight on you, locking one of your arms against your back and the other under you on the mat. His legs tangle with yours, barely allowing you any movement. Your shoulder starts to ache from the position.

“Get off me.” You squirm, huffing the last bit of air that was in your lungs.

“Are you going to calm down?” He gets his answer when you tell him to fuck off, and presses down harder. “I’ve had enough of bad your attitude.”

The way he nearly snarls it against your ear sends a shiver down your spine. The corners of your lips curl up at the aggression, at how he ditches the façade of the perfect, straight-spined soldier only for you. It makes you feel powerful, how you can make the marble crack so you can see the flawed human inside.

“You don’t get to say this crap - that you don’t even mean - just to get a rise out of me. What the hell is wrong with you, huh?” What the hell does he know? You try to kick his legs away, but you’re not even a bit successful. “You’re not like this with anyone else. Why me?”

“‘Cause it’s fun,” You pant, his weight on top of you only getting more overwhelming.

“That’s what you want, isn’t it? To see me lose it,” He drawls, his breath tickling your neck. You squirm again, half because you want to get out of his grasp and half because of something else. “Or maybe you just like it rough…”

The heat of his body makes you feel like you’re being burned alive. You’re completely out of air now, panting helplessly under him. “I can’t…breathe,”

It’s unbearable, even after he lowers the pressure on your shoulders and you can take a deep breath in. He’s still holding you, tight, and you squirm but not to get out of it. The lack of air made your thoughts feel fuzzy.

That’s surely the reason.

Not Steve’s big, warm hand on your hip. His fingers grazing the exposed part of your lower abdomen. “Maybe you want my hand because yours alone isn’t enough.”

“Shut up.”

He chuckles. Cocky, over-confident asshole. You remember you can free the arm that’s under you and try to hit him with it, get back at him for saying that. He takes your meek punch on his bicep, then pins the guilty hand with your other.

Traitorous heat pools between your legs. You hate Steve Rogers. You hate the hand that sneaks under your pants and the way you body arches to make his access easier. You hate how he says, “One word and I’ll stop.”, and you hate how you only bite your lips in response.

Until he slips two fingers into your wetness and a moan escapes. “Damn. I knew you got off on this, dirty girl.”

“Rogers—oh,” He moves skillfully, like he’s not an old man from the 1940’s that clutches his pearls every time someone utters a curse.

But you’re not the only one who’s - although somewhat reluctantly - enjoying yourself. You can feel Steve hardening on your behind and his breath become ragged as he buries his head on the crook of your neck. The realization makes your cheeks heat with both pride and shame. “You’re not much better than me,”

It’s torture how slow he is going. His palm presses against your clit, and you bite back a moan, not ready to give in that easily. Steve is already full of himself as it is. “We’ll see about that.”

You roll your hips in response, earning a groan from him. It makes you chuckle and him curl his fingers inside of you. It’s like a fight, balanced at last.

At least that’s what you tell yourself as he plays you like his favorite instrument. The sounds that he gets from you are wet and unholy. You almost want to turn and admire the focused lines of his brow. Lips pursed in a tight line.

Kissing them would be crossing another.

No, you don’t want to get to that point.

“Look at us. This so… innapropriate. So wrong.” Steve says those words but there is no signs that he intends on stopping the sinful act. Who would’ve thought? You grin, a wild flash of teeth cutting through your flushed face.

“What would everyone think, huh, Cap?”

“No one has to know.”

You can’t help but agree - you don’t even want to think about how mortifying it would be if someone caught you. Not only in the middle of the fighting rink, but at the mercy of Steve Rogers. But it’s off your mind when he speeds up his fingers and pleasure coils on your lower belly.

“Fuck, fuck—” You’re breathless, nails digging on anything you can reach, his large hand and wrist mostly. “Steve.”

“You close, hm?” He whispers condescendingly, and your nearly cry from the humiliation as you nod yes, yes, yes. “Ask for it. Then I might let you finish.”

It’s too much. Your eyes shoot open, and you start struggling again. Now he wants you to beg for it, to fold, to submit, and it’s just too much.

Asshole. Fuck him, fuck him, fuck him.

“No.”

Steve removes his fingers from you, still keeping his hand there as a veiled promise. Or a threat. You have to bite back a whimper at the emptiness.

“Then no deal.” The way his voice is smooth and calm makes you want to growl. “You didn’t think you’ll have it your way, did you?”

His hand releases yours and you finally turn, cunt still pulsating from being so close to your release and having it so cruelly denied. Then, you spot the volume on his sweatpants and tilt your head.

“Doesn’t seem like you have it all under control, Rogers.”

He smirks. His cheeks are flushed, and the sight would be heavenly if it wasn’t so utterly aggravating.

“I was at war for two years. Frozen for seventy.” He stands up, palming himself but acting like nothing out of ordinary is going on. “I know how to wait, sweetheart.”

Your legs feel like jelly, and there’s not much you can do except watch as Steve walks out of the gym. There’s not even enough strength in you to tell him to shove World War II up his ass.

You really, really hate Steve Rogers.

“Hello? Earth to Sparky?”

“Huh?”

“Peter here has been talking to you for like five minutes now, come on. At least answer the kid.”

You blink. This has been happening for a few days now, you being out of it. You wish it could be blamed solely on your last sparring session with Rogers last week - but your powers had been the main source of frustration in your life lately. The little control you have over them comes paired with raging migraines, fatigue, black spots, the whole package. You’ve tagged along on Nat’s mission two days ago, and it almost went badly. You’re basically useless without your abilities working properly; although your stamina and combat skills have improved greatly since moving into the compound, they stilll can’t compare to everyone else’s - and that include the bad guys you’re supposed to be fighting.

So, yes, your head has been heavy with anxiety and your throat tight with some pills you can’t swallow: S.W.O.R.D, HYDRA, and undeniably, Steve Rogers.

“Sorry. What was the question?”

Peter Parker perks up a little. “Oh! No question, Miss Sparkles, I was just saying how cool are the electrical manipulation superpowers, I mean it’s so—”

Sparkles?

“Should see how my brain tries to short-circuit every time I use them. Real cool shit.” You chuckle bitterly, and he blushes and fiddles nervously in his seat. You don’t even need to register Tony pinching the bridge of his nose to feel bad about it. “It’s pretty cool when it works I guess. Fury called me a human taser the other day.”

Tony pauses his tinkering of your suit cuffs and turns around. “Personally I am a fan of Sparky.”

“No way, you need a better name than that!” The mood shifts instantly, like a ray of sun peeking through storm clouds.

“Hey! I’m great with names. And Sparky already stuck so—”

“What do you suggest, Peter?” A second passes while he’s thinking. Then another. “Well?”

“…I’ll think of something.” Peter decides that his time is better spent going back to observing Stark work on your suit, giving some ideas on how to make it better and more functional. Tony completely vetoes giving you access to FRIDAY like they both have, claiming he doesn’t trust you not to change his alarm music to Careless Whisper. It makes you laugh, because that’s actually a great idea.

When they both become focused on their genius thing, you resort to resting your head on your arm and making one of Peter’s dead spider drones move using little sparks from your fingers. You’re almost getting it to turn on when the headache starts.

“Dammit.” You can almost hear Dr. Steiner’s laugh all the way from his cell. It doesn’t help that you accidentally overheard a conversation between Bruce and Tony after they both started researching how to fix you, or at least keep you in one piece. Something about an aneurysm. As if you needed extra confirmation that your brain is trying to explode. They were startled when you walked in, but at least now the whole keep-Sparky-in-the-dark thing is over. It’s why you’re in Tony’s lab, today, why he’s working on giving your suit more precise vital scans, energy measuring and emergency protocols.

A fail-safe of sorts.

You don’t notice as he comes closer and puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “We’ll figure it out, Sparks.”

You nod.

Although you can’t help but think that their effort is pointless - and the solution is right in front of you, held by Steiner’s grubby hands and words that resound in Baron Von Strucker’s voice.

It takes you another week and another mission that could’ve gone better for you to make your decision. Although, surprisingly, it’s not one of your bad days that settles it for you - it’s one of Bucky Barnes’.

You’re sulking after the debrief of said subpar mission. For the others, a small success. The hostages were now all being brought into safety and the terrorists neutralized. For you, a power outage that cost precious intel and 20 minutes of Fury’s classic glare on your forehead. It’s not all him, you know that much - he’s got S.W.O.R.D on his tail and your time to prove yourself to them and the United States Goverment seems to be running out.

After the fiasco, you want nothing more than peace and quiet. So when Bucky starts roaring and the sound of furniture being thrown around bursts your little bubble, you let yourself be annoyed for a minute. Then you take the elevator upstairs. Rogers is there, of course - they share the floor, and he’s already got Bucky in a headlock although a bruise seems to be forming on his cheek. You can’t bring yourself to rejoice and you don’t know what to do with yourself, proceeding to hide in a corner after Steve gives you a look and Bruce runs in with a sedative.

You feel bad for Barnes. There weren’t any casualties, except for his own dignity, the aforementioned furniture and a record player - and because you’re not any good with comfort words, you resort to coercing Sam on running to Best Buy for a record player replacement.

There’s no doubt in your mind that if Bucky had a way to switch off the malware HYDRA installed in his mind, he’d be making use of it. You figure you shouldn’t be wasting yours.

When the time for your next mission comes, you already have a game plan ready. Your words have been passed onto a little notepad, but you have the audio of Strucker’s voice at the ready. You took note of whatever you remembered from the old wind down process too, because you’ll need to come off of whatever state you’ll be at by the end.

It’s easy enough. You get into your gear, drag a chair to the center of your bedroom. Your hands are shaking furiously as you put on your earbuds and hit play on the audio. Your heartbeat roars inside your chest as you repeat the words. Until it slows down, all at once, like flicking a switch. You examine your steady hands, the anxiety from a minute ago vanished. In fact, you can’t bring yourself to feel anything, although bewilderment would be precisely what you’d be feeling when you make your hands and arms light up blue, energy flowing through you like a river.

This is good. This is great!

You don’t know why you haven’t done this before. Actually, you know why - you’ve been scared. Scared about what it would do to you, to the last bits of your soul that you’ve been holding on to so tightly ever since you learned what HYDRA wanted to do with the world. Too scared to even imagine the satisfaction on Dr. Steiner’s face. Like he won.

But he didn’t, and you’re not scared.

You’re not happy, either. You’re not… anything.

Not even Steve brings up the feelings he usually does (and that other, new thing). He has one of his eyebrows raised as you walk in and strap yourself down in a single firm motion.

“Good mornin’ to you too, Sparky.”

You know you should be annoyed right now, huffing and puffing. Your eyebrows don’t even pinch at the nickname. “Good morning, Captain.”

Your voice comes out a little too smooth and a little too robotic, but you hope Steve isn’t paying too much attention - even if he is, soon enough Nat and Sam are walking into the Quinjet and his focus on you is diluted.

You don’t feel the need to clap back at his orders and instructions as the jet lands near another HYDRA base. This one isn’t empty, at least of dozen former members have made it into a makeshift HQ. It’s more of a hunting shack than a fortress, and you’re the first to walk down the ramp, fingers already crackling.

Not even the successful mission brings you joy, with secured intel and that same dozen on their way to prison. You took five of them down yourself, only making the lights flicking a little in the process. You don’t feel pride as Fury debriefs your team, a pleased gleam in his eye.

You don’t feel anything at all.

It catches up with you as soon as you sink into an ice bath and repeats your words in reverse order. Now you remember why this process was such a struggle.

You feel like throwing up, like crying, like hitting Steve Rogers square in the jaw; you feel euphoric and proud and terrified. A migraine as a cherry on top. It’s too much.

You try your best to keep quiet.

“Is everything alright, Miss Sparky? Should I call Dr. Banner?”

You’re startled by the disembodied voice. “Fuck, no, FRIDAY. Everything’s… fine, just… go away.”

“I’ve identified sounds of distress. I need a confirmation you are well, please.”

The chattering of your teeth fills the bathroom.

“I’m peachy. Go to your… computer bedroom or whatever. Jesus.”

“Don’t hesitate to call me if you need assistance.”

Blood is roaring in your ears as your heart beats wildly and you breathe in sharp puffs of air. You basically crawl back to your bed, a naked wet mess.

Your bed.

You have a bed for another day. Another week, even.

“Miss Sparky, Tony? Seriously…”

It makes you laugh a little. Then, you cry until you fall asleep.

Two days. Two days of peace. Of wondering if your programming had reset your brain somehow, and you finally evicted Steve Rogers and his hands out of your mind.

Foolish of you think that the repressed feelings all have come and gone that night after the mission.

It hits you like a train, and has you squeezing your thighs together for friction. You try your best to focus on Weekend at Bernie’s for a good 15 minutes, to no avail. It’s like the universe is taking a piss out of you, because everyone else has left the compound for the evening, for a reason or another. Even Bucky. But you know he is home. You’ve seen the bike on the garage, the memory of him on top of it not helping your case. It’s not just because of that fatidical morning that you’re like this - it’s because of the other times, too.

Maybe you want my hand because yours alone isn’t enough.

You let out an irritated groan, kicking the blanket off your legs like a bratty child.

You already know working solo won’t work. You’ve tried. What you need is to get it done, get it - him - out of your system, so you can move on.

Goddamn you, Rogers.

“FRIDAY?” You close your eyes, shaking your head when the AI responds. “Give me Roger’s location. Now.”

“Captain Rogers is currently down at the compound gym. Boxing area.”

Of course he is.

You don’t bother dressing up - the bath robe you’re in will have to do. You don’t even put on shoes, but it doesn’t matter because the way down to the gym is mostly carpet and ceramic.

Do you know what you’re going to do when you get there and face him? No. But you’re fixing this problem here and now. You’re either kicking his ass or… good lord. No matter. You’ve held on long enough, and your torment ends today.

He looks away from the punching bag when you slide the door open, raising his eyebrows as you march up to him.

“Can I help you?”

Yes. You can help by undoing whatever you did to me with those hands, dammit.

He’s panting from his workout, shirt clinging to his body. His eyes roam yours, a bit too exposed now from the knot of your robe loosening up.

“We have… unfinished business.”

Steve smirks. He steps towards you, and he’s so… tall. Overpowering, like looking up at a marble statue in a museum. It takes everything on you not to run away.

No. This ends today. You’re having it your way.

“And what am I supposed to do about that, darlin’?”

Jesus H. Christ.

Get it together.

You’re not sure if you want to punch him in that stupid pretty face or—

“Start by shutting the fuck up, Rogers.”

Or grab him by the collar and slam your lips onto his.

[notaplaceofhonour]

“don’t you know there are people saying awful things in your comments”

I wake up in the morning with hundreds of notifications on tumblr alone. I have multiple posts where the verbal abuse was so constant and toxic that I have just turned notifications completely off for them and I literally do not see anything anyone comments or reblogs on them. I do not want to.

I do not have the time the energy or the interest to go through hundreds of notifications with a fine comb every single day and argue, delete, or block every single person who says something heinous on my posts.

if I do see something especially stupid or violently hateful, I will often either try to push back against it or just delete & then block. but for whatever reason, tumblr decided to make it so there was no easy way to block and delete a person’s comment at the same time. you have to delete their comment, then type in their url and block them there. so sometimes I just block

and tbqh, a lot of the times people say shit I strongly disagree with on my posts—stuff that’s more anti-Israel, more anti-Palestine, more “both sides”, more anti-Communist, more anti-liberal leftist, etc. and I just leave it. if it isn’t literal Nazi, or Hamasnik, or Kahanist, or TERF shit, sometimes it just isn’t worth it to argue or make a big deal about. there are going to be people to the left of me, people to the right of me, and people who just make annoying and pedantic nitpicks in my notes. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but I see additions I disagree with and I’m just like

and I move on with my day. I’m not the post police. I just work here.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Moral Orel hit me in a sweet spot. I think it’s beautiful seeing fans on different paths discussing how the show touched them. I’ve seen people who’ve left the church, agnostics, atheists, and Christians all say the show spoke deeply to them. Of course the show’s black humor on religion offended many, especially before its last season aired, but I think the show’s resulting legacy - connecting to people who’ve both left and who’ve stayed - demonstrates successful nuance to how Moral Orel was crafted.

The show’s creators have said it’s not against religion per se, it’s against hypocrites. Even with the first season, I felt that and found appreciation (frankly, joy) for what was satirized. Here was a show speaking up, exaggerating, and lampooning the facets of Protestant American Christian culture I’ve vented about in confidence to relevant friends and family - without, like many modern shows which tackle this subject do, mocking followers themselves, faith itself, and suggesting to viewers one way of life is better than another, one group of people is (ex: intellectually) superior to another.

Some people have stepped away from Moral Orel and said, “This show comforted me when I left church,” or outright, “This show taught me there is no god.” And that’s not an unfair way to interact with Moral Orel because it doesn’t preach what you “should” do there (a sign of mature writing, really). I stepped away from Moral Orel and said, “This show comforted me in the areas I get frustrated,” which assuages my feelings and makes me more confident in my faith and place within culture.

I feel awkward in contemporary culture because I was raised with minimal secular exposure - daughter of a worship pastor, student at a private Christian school until high school. Meanwhile, in adulthood, I didn't attended church functions for over a dozen years. My group of friends have largely been non-Christians who hold negative opinions about the religion and don’t live remotely similar lifestyles to what I was raised with. I love what I've learned from them. Unfortunately, this also means the cultural building blocks that make me who I am seem shared by no one I'm around, which, even though I'm in my 30s, remains disorienting.

On the flipside, I'm the weirdo with the third eye in Christian spaces, too. I’m an ever-thirsty knowledge-seeker who strives to comprehend forbidden topics from all angles. I spent my twenties researching, questioning, rebuilding knowledge, and critically analyzing everything about the Bible. Church attendees and services feel painfully artificial, with mental blockers to topics I feel are critical to understand.

In either community I partake in, I feel “off.”

I’m grateful to have been raised by parents who didn’t pussyfoot around issues, with a father who deep-dives research. Discussions, delving, and digging into the hard stuff has always been fostered. My family spoke to pastors when we disagreed with their theology. I grew up around people who practiced passive acceptance, but my family was not that.

In the last year, I’ve returned more strongly to my faith and have been reintegrating with the Christian community. In some areas, my faith has grown and, humbly, I’ve learned much from peers. Despite stereotypes, I want to note that, in certain fields, the church community has always been deep and meticulous! And there are so many beautiful and uplifting areas in the church. But likewise there are those areas that get assumed, aren’t questioned, and aren’t… responded to well by questioning spirits. There have always been areas in the church culture I find disingenuous, foolish, illogical, limited, oversimplified, denialistic, or susceptible to hypocrisy and immorality. I’m not better than any person on this planet, but I’m rubbing shoulders with a community that has different blinders than I do, who don’t even consider asking the types of questions or seeking out the information I find necessary for a solidified faith.

Moral Orel disparages the toxic elements of Protestant culture, the misinterpretations, the artificial facades, the mindless assumptions, the poorly-hidden underbelly, all the areas Christian community can and does go wrong. It makes me feel justified feeling awkward in two worlds: someone for whom Christianity is deeply important, but someone whose mindset doesn’t jive with the rest of the town. Someone who can find and wants to find the best lessons outside of Christianity. Someone who believes in questioning, rethinking constantly, raising her eyebrows at common notions within church culture, and striving for the actual love, sincerity, dedication, and goodness our faith should be based on.