#and before i knew it years had gone
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I never made him those peanut butter crunchies…
#I always told myself I was gonna make them for him#mom told me he loved them#they’re so simple to make#I’ll make them for him sometime#and before i knew it years had gone#and everytime i thought about it i said yeah#I’ll make them for him#and more years went by#and i never made them#And then he was gone#and a year went by#and i was standing in the gas station getting a drink#and i looked at the peanut butter milkshake#and i realized#i never made him the peanut butter crunchies#so to you#anyone#make the peanut butter crunchies#there might not be another chance
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compiled whatever this is (and I run out of tag space)
meh HoT gifs (3/?)
#alek gifs#ninjago#ninjago krux#ninjago acronix#hands of time#time twins#alternate title to this series is : stuff i noticed after watching this season 10 whole times#okay actually thats a lie. i realized this the 3rd time around#i think of acronix and how he barely makes any decisions for himself and i go crazy#ppl equate that with him feeling forced to do stuff.. uh hes always been a follower guys!!#cue him calling wu “master wu” even after the twins betrayal. him liking machia bc shes “mean” and bossy#he has no issue with following orders lol. prepare for a long acronix rant one day#contexts -> gif 1 barely counts i just wanted to include him looking at krux. he does this a lot during that fight#gif 2 is before they kill blunck and raggmunk (idk how to spell their names still ... sorry)#gif 3 is before they were going to kill wu in the golden hour legacy short. which is canon !!#gif 4 is before they sent themselves into the temporal vortex#that one post that was like “are we still doing revenge? yeah? cool” bc thats basically acronix#there is something fundamentally wrong with these two's brains but idk how to describe it#krux who literally lost his mind after losing his brother to the point he adopted an entire identity#“he just needed to go undercover!!” counter point as soon as acronix came back he was unable to pretend to be saunders. he acted super weird#like when kai was in the museum he couldnt pretend to be this person he wasnt. acronix was back !!! so was he. krux was 100% going to kill#the smith sibs if maya and ray didnt comply. also.. canonly they knew him when they worked as teachers back in s3. he watched them grow up#and pretended all was well meanwhile their parents were being forced to work and slave away to build the iron doom. he is not normal#then you have acronix who thrives off of violence and is described as throwing himself into battle like a blunt object. has no regard#for himself as a person and just takes (almost) everything his brother says as gospel. s7 couldve done smthn really cool with how#the only thing the twins ever really disagreed on was technology. also ive went on a semirant about how krux's hatred for tech was misplaced#hatred for losing acronix. wanted to travel to the pre modern era? okay well whyd he pick 40 years ago specifically. also NOTE that they#went back after their past selves had lost. they wouldve faired better if they went and helped their past selves. also the reversal blade#had already fallen so when the twins went back in time there was two kruxes. he literally went back to when he had been all alone for the#for the first time. he went back to when his life was ruined and his brother was gone!! but he had nix with him this time . ughdhf
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is there a word for sky + viktor + jayce + mel + elora. like i know skymeljayvik is hexquad but what if we added elora in there. they could be a 5 stack in league together. put sky in jungle so she roams between jayce top and viktor mid and elora's ADC in bot with mel support. it could be so funny
#shitpost#this is just me bashing my head into a wall about the s1 timeskip. like wtf happened in all those years#at which point did sky become a lab assistant. how good or bad was jayce and viktor's work-life balance#theyre on first-name basis with sky but neither are close enough with her for viktor to even have an idea of where she'd like to be buried#acquaintances at best? just colleagues? just colleagues makes sense i guess but#after all these years jayce had no idea of mel's painting hobby? mel didn't even realize jayce and viktor were close?#but jayce definitely has gone to her before to vent about heimer and such and such so EXTREMELY slow burn of getting to know each other??#how are you affiliated with someone for almost a decade and have not even the faintest clue what they do in their offtime#watching arcane was just me going oh id love to know more about this character :D and then the show kills them immediately#sky and elora i will forever grieve you#sky young#viktor arcane#jayce talis#mel medarda#elora arcane#also fully believe elora and viktor knew each other to some degree. viktor was heimer's assistant for how-many years#arcane season 1#arcane season 2#arcane season 2 spoilers
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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Idk how this works, but 4,18,28 please
Hello, thank you. It's perfect like this! From this ask game
4. What did they do before they became a crusader? Did they have a job, an occupation?
Answered here!
18. If they survived, what is their life post crusade?
Nela survives the Crusades, staying in Drezen as its governor. To put it in few words: she has nowhere else to go anyway, and despite the many struggles and the growing mental health issues she also feels fulfilled by the job and has a talent for it. She has grown attached to the place and its people, it's where she belongs now that her home is gone.
That's... not as positive a choice as it may sound.
The first few months after the Crusades are won, Nela remains busy. However, as soon as Drezen and Mendev start to settle in, the companions go on their respective ways and the workload goes down... she crashes and goes on a downward spiral.
All the mental issues and trauma she had shouldered by playing the part of the perfect Commander start to appear, and she declines fast. Any attempt to help is pointless. She doesn't want to talk about the actual sources of her issues, so there is no way for anyone to intervene. It gets bad, really bad. She starts to self-harm a few months in.
It's only thanks to Sosiel's intervention that the situation gets solved before it can reach a critical point. Sosiel and Nela share a homeland, both coming from Carpenden, Andoran. He knows her relatives, enough to have mostly figured out by himself what's truly going on and approaching her brother, now an elder man in his 90s, with the full story. A way to return the favor, so to speak.
Samel, Nela's brother, ends up rushing to Drezen to meet up with Nela. Having a part of her family, her old world, back is a massive relief, but it's as much of a relief to have someone she can afford to be fully honest with. She doesn't have to fear hurting him with her feelings and thoughts, or to show weakness to the wrong person as someone in a position of authority. It doesn't magically make it all better, but it gets her started.
She ends up retiring from Drezen for about half a year to get some rest and work out her issues, moving to one of Daeran's properties closer to Nerosyan. Anevia and Irabeth contact her from time to time for bigger decisions, but she is mostly left to rest and recover.
It takes her years before she works out through it all. It's never fully gone, but she is finally comfortable in her own skin and at peace with how her life turned out. She remains just a governor, stubbornly refusing getting any more political power and making an effort to discourage anything that may push her beyond the edge onto divinity.
She also remains in contact with the Hand of the Inheritor and her fellow angels companions. From time to time, she goes on escapades to help them out in other planes. The rest of her time and effort is spent in helping out with purifying the Worldwound and providing aid to the efforts of the Sarkorians, druids and other followers of the Green Faith.
Daeran and her only marry once the worst of her own issues have passed, about 2 years after the Crusades have ended.
28. Would they be a companion instead of the KC? What would their storyline and personal quest be?
Answered here!
#oc: nela damasio#It's a lot so i hope i managed to explain myself#I'm certain i've gone into more detail about some bits here and there but i've never attempted to go through the whole sequence before#This was fun but challenging kadhjkas#To say Nela is grateful to Sosiel is an understatement#She was convinced everyone was either dead or too senile#and she didn't have the heart to face that truth with her own eyes#Admittedly she couldn't imagine how much the experience of losing his sister and the turmoil that went on in Andoran had changed her brothe#He is much healthier than an average 95 years old grandpa#She also gains a grandnephew (the one family member Sosiel knew and got the information from)#the only “new” family member she connects to#Everyone else wants to keep their distance and the feeling is mutual#thank you so much again this was fun <333
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Blue Bloods finale things/spoilers under the cut that I wanted to yell about:
• Jamko parents!!! Parents!! Oh how far they've come 😭
• I'm going to miss Eddie Janko so damn much, that's my girl.
•Jack and Erin getting married!! They finally got their happy ending. And the looks on their faces at dinner as they decided to keep it to themselves was just so 💜😭
• Danny's face when Henry tells him to find his person to come home to. He already knows.
• Danny Reagan! Asking Maria Baez! On a date! And her saying yes! He doesn't need to go look for his person because she's right there besides him. And the look on her face when she agreed!!
#blue bloods#jamko#jerin#daez#eddie janko#i'm going to miss so many of these characters so fucking much#crying over jamko on tumblr gone midnight I suddenly feel like i'm 18 again when I literally just turned 25 yday#I expected jamko parents and we knew that jack and erin were back together but getting 3/3 for my ships? blessed#jerin getting married again feels so right. their chemistry is unmatched#(the way jack looks at her. I get it.)#and then danny asking baez on a date took me out#the implication that he thought about what henry said for a few days and all his thinking led him back to maria because she's his girl.#and he just knew he had to take that leap.#(It's fine i'm going insane over here)#i am a bit miffed that we won't actually see anything beyond him asking her out and it was slightly open ended#but considering that we knew that danny didn't want to act on his feelings bc he didn't want to risk the pain of losing her/her getting hur#the fact that he asked her out was hugely significant#the fact that he specifically said it was because he had been thinking about what henry said to him is making me lose it#they obviously hang out outside work anyway but this is Different. you could tell by how almost nervous danny was 😭 but#she was right there with him. as she always is. they're partners in every sense.#and baez knows it too!!! the look on her face!! danny will tell her one day what it was that henry said and she'll Know.#god I am going to be thinking about them for the forseeable#3/3 on my ships and a good ending on a series finale is so rare for me#anyway i've been watching this show weekly since like 2014/15 and had watched it before that with my dad#so it's so strange that it's ending. it's one of the first shows that i've watched week in and out for donkeys years that is ending and it'#gonna be odd to not have that show in my watching list anymore#shut up g#(good god sorry about the tags I had to get that all out)#if anyone actually read any of that and still wants to come yell about these things please do :)
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living alone is all fun and games til you have a medical emergency and there's no one there to help you to the hospital
#eliot posts#im fine now it's just last week's Incident fucked me up a lil#a couple online friends offered to call me an uber#and i maybe could have woken my neighbors up (though i would have felt awful abt that)#but while i was figuring out how to get to the hospital and if i'd be able to like#verbally communicate to whoever was driving where to take me#and explain to the doctors what was wrong with me#and fill out the entrance paperwork#and find my wallet/insurance card and my housekeys before i left#...i had gone unconscious before i could make the decision to find someone to take me#luckily i was mostly fine after i woke up#i knew it wasn't an ''i'm gonna die if i don't go to the hospital'' type medical emergency so i didn't call an ambulance#bc i was not abt to bankrupt myself unless i was Literally Dying#but yeah. eugh. 0/10 do not recommend.#at the VERY LEAST i'm gonna need to have good friends that live very close in the future#i don't want this kind of thing happening to me again#i am gonna be roommates with a very good friend in a few months after i move to the city#and then i'm probably gonna be roommates with a different very good friend in a couple years when i leave the state#both mostly out of financial necessity for us all#but also i thiiink i want to go back to living alone eventually?#unless living with friends goes so great that it changes my mind#it's just like. for the most part i've loved living alone#not just in a ''yay i'm no longer living with my abusers!'' way but like. in general.#i can do whatever the fuck i want in my apartment without having to talk to anyone#chores get done when i want. food gets cooked and eaten when i want. i can take a 2 hour bath no problem. i don't have to close doors.#i can walk around late at night without having to worry about waking anyone up.#when my social battery is drained i know that no one will try to talk to me. when im overstimulated i don't have to tell anyone to be quiet#it's like. the thing with me is every social interaction has a timer where i start thinking#''GOD i cannot fucking wait to go be alone in my nice empty apartment again''#that timer is much longer for some people and situations than others but it is always There even when i'm having a great time
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pulling out my baby connor themes and motifs conspiracy corkboard which i use to figure out if i have any preferences or character traits if any kind. putting a red string between "digital love" from daft punks discovery (2001) and "dancing sheep to sheep" from classical baby - dance show (2005). similar theming...
#i suppose we cna perhaps but once upon a dream from sleeping beauty in there that was one kf my fvaorite disney princess songs as a baby#even tho i didnt watch sleeping beauty very often#Yes i was a major disney princess fan as a kid Sry. as mentioned fairies + princesses were kind of a joint hyperfixation and yes disney#princesses were big. glancing at my collection of disney princess baby dolls (i had Almost all of them (from before they started putting#hair on all of them. which i hated i liked that rapunzel had hair but like 8 year old me or whatever was pissed as fuckkkkkk that baby anna#and elsa had hair too i was like Fucking. shut up .... the other girls just had molded on short hair but NOW they only make them with long#hair. does not matter. anyways.#the connection is 'guy dreaming abt dancing with a woman but then (in the words of digital love) “before i knew it this dream was all gone”'#interesting. i dont think this actully means anything but i do remember likinf dancing sheep to sheep but i think i liked all of them#except i thought rectangles was kinda ugly. but i liked the music
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i suspect that there's more to the faked death situation than anyone remembers/is willing to share at this point - he might've been abusive or an alcoholic etc. but my great-aunt (the only one still alive who remembers this) said she was really amazed at how normal it seemed at the time that a man would permanently disappear to try and keep his family from being ashamed of/shamed by his financial failure, and how bizarre and pointless it seemed to her now that she was in her 80s. lot of shifting cultural and economic expectations...but also idk. at some point people just still being in your life probably starts to seem more valuable than anything else.
#and how much of that was like. specific '2nd generation german immigrants who had previously been very successful and now it's the 1930s'#not related to this really but her daughter/my cousin died of an accidental fentanyl overdose last year#right before someone else i knew died the same way#and it's strange and sad and surreal to know that 60 years from now they're going to be part of the same kind of history#things that happened to a lot of people a long time ago that (i hope) will seem very removed in many ways to the 20 year olds of the 2080s#but that at the time were just. life. people who were in your life and then for horribly mundane reasons were gone.
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.
#really randomly fell down a weird rabbit hole today#i was watching the X-Files and finally felt like reading up on david duchovny#like i see u fellow slav what kind of slav are you#so i opened up his wikipedia article and saw that his dad was jewish and from ukraine and went like AHA WE ARE THE SAME#and just out of curiosity looked up the place he's from because im curious about jewish shtetls in the ukraine#because my whole family except my biological father is from several of them and i thought hey maybe they were neighbors#which they fucking are omg theyre just 20km apart#my greatgreatgrandma is from makhnivka which i even found articles and history about and how the jewish population grew & declined#even though i did not find any steinbergs in the archives#anyway when i read up on Berdychiv where duchovnys family is from it said#early settlement by the Chernyakhov Culture#which was an archeological culture between 200 and 500 CE existing at the same time as the roman empire#....... is this how i finally find out where my name is from??????? like?????????#i wish i knew so much more than i do#like i only found out that im not russian i was just born in russia like 7 years ago or so??? because my mom never tells me anything#all the information about my great great grandparents and where theyre from is from my grandma#and her dementia is really bad now and shes just angry and screams and calls people names#my russian is too bad to properly read up on stuff like that and theres barely anything in english or german#i just want to know idk#but genetic testing is too expensive and also very america centric and the only family i have in the us is super conservative#i had to block them on facebook when my grandma made me write to them once over 10 years agl#and i know a huge chunk of my grandmas family moved to israel too so i dont want anything to do with that either#although id be curious if it would actually find my half siblings i found out about also like 8 years ago#i just wish there were more archives and more people i could talk to about this#on my grandfathers side theres nothing really left#my grandfather passed suddenly and apparently before he did he took ALL THE FAMILY PHOTOS AND DOCUMENTS somewhere to maybe digitalise them#but we dont know where so theyre literally gone for ever#but his whole family was from kiev and is apparently named after this culture era#his dad was a higher up at a sugar factory and i still cant find anything#my grandma had so many cousins and they were so interconnected and knew so much and i literally just have my mom and no one else
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god, grief hits you at the weirdest fucking times
#was brushing my teeth and started crying thinking about my aunt#sometimes i forget she’s gone because it just seems too wrong#she was young she was healthy (before the cancer) she was more full of life and energy and compassion than almost anybody i know#and it just feels impossible that a presence like that can just. disappear.#they say one of the first things to go is their voice#as you start losing memories of them#but i don’t think i can ever forget hers#i hear her in the way my mom speaks sometimes too#and the way i talk to dogs sometimes#my mom says she sees her in my hands#she had such a big heart and yet she did work that could so easily break someone#but she stayed kind#she fought for the kids she helped#she fought so fucking hard and she cared so much and she never stopped caring no matter how much it hurt#and she loved and stayed joyful despite seeing some of the worst sides of humanity#sometimes i just need to talk about her#because i know she’ll be remembered by everyone who knew her#she’s not the kind of person you forget#but it still feels like that isn’t enough#like she should have had so much more time to bless so many more lives#my mom started a community fund on the island in her name#she hasn’t decided fully yet where the money will go#Tan cared about so many things but especially the foster kids the queer youth and all animals#especially wolves and horses which sounds cliche but it made so much sense for her#one of the things she was fighting for most in her last few years was making sure indigenous kids in the foster system#had ways to connect with their cultures#either by making sure they stayed with family who could take them in and making sure the family had the supports they needed#or connecting them with community programs run by indigenous leaders for indigenous youth#i’m a lot calmer now after all that typing#personal
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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I could/should elaborate when I’m not falling asleep as I am rn but like. I feel like for the people who you “mourn” who have died young and/or suddenly who you knew only in passing, or only casually interacted with, or were once close to but in the years between then and their death you barely spoke, etc etc etc, you arent actually mourning them or their presence in ur life (and now palpable absence) (supposedly) but just what it means to be a human on earth who has to grapple with inevitable loss and the immense weight of what a Person is and their footprint on everyone they interact with that is fleeting even tho there are several billions of us on the floating rock but none of those billions of lifetimes are ever overlapping 100%…. sigh :/
#context a student who graduated last semester (undergrad) died in a car crash like 500 miles away#and one of my fellow grad students/TAs and a few of his former profs are so upset about it and like………#u barely knew this kid I mean of course I feel terrible that someone with his life ahead of him was snuffed out in the blink of an eye#but like…….. if u had never found out about this. or if this hadn’t happened and he went on to live a boring long life#he would mean next to nothing to u !!! u would be none the wiser! u would probz not even recognize his name in 10 years! why are u crying!!!#idk I would be less ANNOYED and hashtag BOTHERED by it if the same people didnt say such nasty derogatory shit about their undergrads#like every other time I talk to u about mundane news ur complaining about how ur students are all lazy untalented idiots#but now THIS ONE who was never meaningful to u before THIS GUY is SPECIAL to u…? u mourn him?#2 weeks ago if I showed u his student ID photo u would struggle to remember his name but NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING#NOW THAT HES GONE AND IT DOESNT FUCKING MATTER ANYMORE NOW HE MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU#tldr if ur still reading lmao I feel like this stuff is always about yourself and almost never about the dead person#which is valid in its own way I mean I’ve literally cried after passing mangled cars and ambulances with people who defs aren’t gonna surviv#but it’s never been about their life’s overlap with mine and retconning some kind of memorable or emotional significance to it#idk why I’m so emotional about this in like 3 separate directions but it’s just so fucking frustrating !!!!!!! 🥲🤡
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My friends boyfriend tried to text me “we just had sex” from my friends phone but he did it with Siri and said friend has my mom in her contacts as “[My name]’s Mommy” and it accidentally sent to her instead of me so my friend FaceTimed me and said go delete a message off your moms phone now so I went but she was on it coloring so I tried to take it from her but she didn’t want me to do before I could pry it away she looked at the message and she gasped and said “I SAW A WORD! Tell her I said I’m disappointed!!!” which is exactly what I’d expect from my Baptist Christian mom and she sounded so serious but then she LAUGHED and said “I’m just kidding tell her I said be careful who she texts” and she was just so lighthearted about it so I went back to my room traumatized and then my friend said to tell her she was sorry so I did and my mom said “tell her I said it’s okay I was 18 once too” but I didn’t have to tell her because my friend and her boyfriend were on FaceTime with me and they heard and there was a ruckus of gasping and laughing and “oh!”s and her boyfriend called my mama “goated” and then my mom walked out and I sat in bed dying and my friends boyfriend said “are me and your mom besties now” and me and my friend said no and he said “tell your mom my number’s **********” “me and your mom can talk about hot gossip” and then my mom came back into my room with a full tub of whipped cream open with a spoon in it and gave it to me and left and I think that was an apology so now I’m sitting in bed eating whipped cream and I feel woozy and I’m not sure if it’s from the whipped cream or the Event but Im about to eat this whole thing and then throw up I’ve never been so mortified in my life I don’t want to know about my mothers sex life especially not from my mother
#help me#I knew she had sex before marriage because she was pregnant when she got married but I didn’t know she did it THAT early#my mom got around#you have to remember#my mama is a devout Christian woman#always has been#and she had sex at 18#I can’t let my devout baptist conservative Christian Mama who believed sex before marriage is wrong lose her virginity before me#her problem child who won’t go to church with her no matter how much she asks#I have one year to not be a failure#I will not lose my virginity later than my mother#I can’t#I think I’m about to throw up the whipped cream is kicking in#it’s about three fourths of the way gone
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WARNING FOR ANIMAL DEATH/MUTILATION IN THE TAGS
I think I’ve figured out why it’s the stuff with my cats that gets me the most viscerally upset when it comes to my roommate and I think I need to tell him why that is… we had a talk and he apologized for a lot of stuff but I just feel like I need to explain why I react so intensely to him hating my cats/wanting me to get rid of them
#like there’s the obvious things I’ve said before that ANY pet owner would feel the same about obvious#but like. okay I love cats. I’ve loved cats my WHOLE life#not just cats but animals in general#animals were baby’s first special interest#and I grew up on a farm and I had usually at least 8 pets at a time growing up#that I got money for by doing odd jobs and you know as a child you can spend all your money on your hobbies#and I love animals so I had pets#specifically I always had at least 3-4 cars#*cats#my mom’s first husband hated cats… fucking DESPISED them#and he talked about hating them/getting rid of them all the time#and. well. when I ever did anything to really piss him off#(which you know as a nine year old could be something as simple as breathing too loudly or some shit)#he would kill them#that man killed probably like 20 cats#cuz even after I was old enough to process ‘don’t get more cats bad things will happen to them’#my mom would bring home cats cuz she ALSO loved and wanted cats#even when I would beg her not to because I knew they were going to die#she never cared because in that moment she wanted cats#and obviously this was awful and damaging#and now that I live on my own with my two cats who are my BABIES that I love and cherish#my roommate talking about hating them and wanting them gone….#yeah it’s uh. um. hitting some really specific nerves#obviously I do not think he would EVER EVER do something like that#because you know. he’s not an insane control freak who hates me and animals#it’s still hitting those nerves#and yeah I think I need to tell him that for us to start coming to an understanding#like i get you don’t LOVE my cats you don’t have to#but you can’t talk that way about them… or I’m going to get VERY upset and defensive#kaz rambles
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