#and as I understand myself more as I go through these years of trauma therapy and understanding my body and desires

[swampsorcerer]

feeling so much better. appreciating some parts of my transition i did not expect to, and it helps alleviate some of the discomfort of being misgendered quite often at work, but it isn’t getting to me too much (i think i was expecting this, so it hurts but I knew it would happen and i have ways of coping) and the shame i felt towards the parts of me that society made me hate, like how naturally hairy i am everywhere, that i had half a goatee on my chin even before T that i shaved constantly because my ex made fun of me for it, my macro clit that guys in high school laughed about after sleeping with me because it looked like I had a tiny dick or something, that now feels like parts of me that I love.

I don’t feel such hatred towards myself. I think in part it’s just helped me deconstruct what I thought I had to be to be desired and attractive, and accept them as part of myself, and something I want to embrace. And as my belly grows and i enjoy eating, seeing the hair on my stomach darken and thicken makes me smile, more at home in my body. and even with completely changing how I present and live my life I feel more attractive and desirable than ever, the shame lifted and finding joy in the parts of me deemed ugly, and being wanted and loved for it.

more than anything i feel whole for the first time in my life, not searching for something to fill that void and constant voice that something is inherently wrong with me quieted. the pieces snapped together and i feel able to fully be present in my body and life not consumed by thoughts of How Fuckable I Look.

[stuffieautism]

i’m a level 2/3 autistic who was not diagnosed until a couple months after i turned 18. instead, i was labeled as severely mentally ill and put through years of hospitalizations, day treatment, and therapies, and institutionalized for months. leaving me with trauma worse than i went in with, precisely because i was autistic, and they treated me with ableism for it despite not knowing what it was.

my semiverbality was seen as dissociation or plain old defiance. my meltdowns were seen as intentional and me being bad and disruptive and i was punished for them or called manipulative. my stimming was seen as a behavior that needed to be targeted and shamed and mocked by staff and peers alike. my sensory issues were just things i needed to be “desensitized” to (which doesn’t work that way). i was yelled at for sensory aversions and overload. i was berated and bullied if i asked them to stop blasting music or making so much noise. all while continuing or increasing the intensity of the stimuli to get back at me. i was forced to eat until i threw up nearly every day at one place and then yelled at for throwing up and having access to comfort items taken away.

my needs were ignored. support was denied or removed. i wasn’t able to take care of myself. and rather than being treated with compassion and given actual help, i faced more and more restrictions and punishments and shaming.

no one listened to me when i said how much it hurt, that i was actually trying, that i was in pain, that i couldn’t control it, that i didn’t understand what i did wrong, that SOMETHING IS WRONG.

my autistic traits were a problem with me. they said it was my fault i couldn’t do this or kept doing that. i was doing it because i was a problem child. i was lying about not being able to control it. i was lying about how hard things were and the harm they caused.

i was diagnosed when i was 18. after experiencing torture for years. higher support needs autistics can go undiagnosed. and it doesn’t mean we have the Smart Outcast experience. it can also mean we’re put through a different path of abuse for disabled children. not having an autism diagnosis did me no favors. it kept me safe from nothing. late diagnosis doesn’t always mean people thought you were normal. it doesn’t always mean you grew up low support needs. sometimes it means they would rather have a “mentally ill” child who’s problems are a moral failing of its own lack of effort than admit you weren’t lying.

[tlbodine]

Characters care about external stakes. READERS care about internal stakes.

OK. Here's a distinction I've recently started to think about and really notice after reading and watching some things that handle this poorly.

Fiction needs stakes, right? We all agree on that?

Characters have to be doing something, and they need some reason to do things, and there has to be some kind of reward for succeeding or consequence if they fail, yeah?

Cool. So here's the thing about stakes. They can be internal or external.

External stakes are things like: "if we don't do this, the sun will explode" or "if we do this, we'll win the game."

Often, to make things more interesting, external stakes have a ticking clock attached to them. You have to complete your quest before the next full moon or else the spell won't work for another hundred years. You have to score the winning point before the buzzer goes off in five seconds. That tension is important to shuffling the story forward.

But here's the thing.

The reader doesn't give a fuck about the external stakes and the ticking clock. We know perfectly well they're not going to miss the window for the spell or fuck up the finals game. We understand how stories work and how genre conventions work and you're not impressing anyone with your ticking clock.

What readers do actually care about is a character's internal stakes.

Internal stakes are things like "if I can save the world, I can finally absolve myself of guilt for letting my mom die." Or "if I win this game, my crush will finally notice me."

They are personal motivations. They are the reason why your character cares about what they're doing. They are why we care and how we get invested in their story.

Because like. We're humans. At the end of the day, we care about human things and we have human emotions and we relate to people -- even fake people made of scribbles on paper -- who care about stuff the way we care about stuff.

Raising the stakes doesn't mean "make the sun explode if they fail." Raising the stakes means "we care about this person and want to see them succeed."

So why bother with the external conflict and the ticking time clock? If what we actually care about in a story is the person, why can't we just read a couple hundred pages of the character going through therapy and working through their trauma?

Because what that ticking time clock does is it forces a character to act before they're ready. It prevents them from procrastinating. And it makes them do stuff they're not prepared for. And it's thrilling to see them interact with stuff that way, because it forces them out of their comfort zone and into an area where they can grow and challenge their status quo...which is the thing that pushes on those internal conflict bruises.

Imagine that our heroes have as much time as they need to fulfill the prophecy. They can take their time training, studying, making failsafes and backup plans and then go and the plan goes off without a hitch and they save the day without breaking a sweat. That's boring! That's just people going to work. That doesn't force them to confront their inner demons at all! That doesn't rip them from their existing environment and leave them struggling to adapt to new circumstances!

So those external stakes are necessary to keep the plot rolling forward and put pressure on the characters. But ALL OF THAT is only important if that pressure reveals interesting things about those characters, and forces them to engage with the stuff deep inside that they're probably hiding from. Because that's the part that's juicy and interesting for the reader.

Capiche?

[skyfallscotland]

My first book of 2025! 🥳

Just For the Summer by Abby Jimenez

Sometimes the best way to show love or be kind to someone is to meet them where they are.”

I'd seen people raving about this one everywhere, and the kindle edition went on sale for $4.99, so I bought it. I found out almost immediately after that, that it's third in a series (oops!) but oh well.

A friend told me it shouldn't matter that much, and it didn't, but there were times where little call backs were obviously being made, but I didn't have the context to understand them. It wasn't a big deal, but if that would impact your reading experience, maybe read the first couple 😂

I liked all the main characters well enough, they all had completely normal names, which was nice (lol) and I'll say I enjoyed the book, though I'm not sure I think it was as amazing as other people have said, but it's well-known around these parts that I'm picky, so that probably won't come as a surprise.

Personally, I'm just not sure contemporary is really for me because I do find it a little boring.

One thing that really bugged me was that it's first-person past-tense, which just made my brain freak out for at least the first half of the book. It might be because I write in first-person present, or it might be that it is weird, I don't know, but for me, first-person past feels like you're telling me what happened to you all those years ago, and it just sucks the heart right out of it in some respects, generally. If I'm not experiencing it with you, what's the point of writing in first?

Apart from that, I also found some of the writing to be quite choppy, which...I know I write quite long-winded sentences so again, maybe it's just me, but this felt jarring sometimes. Eg:

I turned to look at her. “You could make one that does. You could always stay.” I couldn’t read the smile she gave me. I wished I could. I could ask her what she was thinking. She’d have to tell me.

and

Emma looked over at me and smiled, and I let myself hope. “You ready to go?” I asked. She shoved off the railing and we left.

Like???

But despite that, it was enjoyable, and at times there were some real gems that shone through and made me feel.

It was easier to pretend to be angry and tough than to admit to being devastated and heartbroken. And by the practiced way she wielded attitude, she’d been devastated and heartbroken for a long time.

“It’s like there’s a part of me that’s always small,” I whispered. “And I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“You’re not asking too much,” he said. “You were just asking the wrong person.

Maybe it's just that I'd been writing beforehand, or maybe I'm just always thinking about her, but some of these are so Remi it hurts. I often have a gripe to pick with contemporary romances that bring in trauma in such a blatant way because they never explore it properly.

There was a lot going on in this book, and as expected, they never fully explore the scope of that trauma. They do the classic FMC is struggling with this mental illness and you can see it, but she won't realise it, she does, (sort of) third act breakup, oh look, timeskip, she's gone to therapy off screen for a few months and is magically better, happily ever after.

I think it's nice for it to be included as representation to an extent, I definitely think it did well within the scope of the word count to address it, but I also wonder if we needed to throw so many different things into the one novel, given the word count. I don't know, maybe it will settle better in hindsight and I shouldn't be writing this impression so soon after finishing, maybe I'm just not experienced in what most contemporary romances are like and I'll be pining for this representation later—I don't know.

I guess I'll find out, since reading more contemporary is one of my goals for the year. For now, I'll leave it with this 🥺

“Unhealed trauma is a crack. And all the little hard things that trickle into it that would have rolled off someone else, settle. Then when life gets cold, that crack gets bigger, longer, deeper. It makes new breaks. You don’t know how broken she was or what she was trying to do to fill those cracks. Being broken is not an excuse for bad behaviour, you still have to make good choices and do the right thing. But it can be the reason. And sometimes understanding the reason can be what helps you heal.”

And this:

But if you don’t think your life would be better without them in it, then accept that they have cracks. Try to understand how they got them and help fill them with something that isn’t ice.”

Let me know what you thought if you've read it! 🖤

[disconox]

Why Jean is so important to me

Welcome to my insane ramblings, enjoy your stay (or don't). Most of this is also very self-indulgent, by the way. Warning: Mentions of abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, self-destructive thoughts I'd also like to remind you that this isn't me justifying Jean's behavior in any way, he's a fucking asshole and doesn't know how to handle Harry, or himself. They're both flawed individuals and that's okay. This is just me talking about my own experiences. Now that we got that out of the way, let's get to the actual thing.

I'm not even sure where to start. When I first found out Jean had clinical depression, I immediately felt a connection. It's relatable. Very relatable, in fact. I myself have been depressed for years. It all started at a young age, I was about 13, but due to trauma it could be very much earlier than that. I don't remember much from my childhood because most of it are bad memories. I'm 21 now and still going through a lot of shit, so it's been about 8 years. Jean strikes me as a guy who has been fucked over his entire life, no matter where he goes or what he does. It always comes back to him. After I have finished DE for the first time and looked more into the lore of Jean and Harry, I started to notice the similarities between the relationship with him and Harry, and the relationship with me and my own parents.

I know what alcohol does to people, I've seen it all. And it's not great for either parties. I'm stuck in a repetitive cycle of wanting to help someone to get better, only to realize that they don't want to get better and then I start building hope again. Rinse and repeat. I know I cannot change them. But I keep hoping for a change anyway, and get upset when it never comes. Of course it doesn't. No matter what I've tried. I have tried so many times. I'm a fucking hypocrite because I sometimes drink as well. I don't want to become like them. I drink for fun every once in a while and try to not over-do it, because every time I touch alcohol, something in the back of my mind tells me I'm becoming like my father. I thought about smoking a few times, but I don't want to destroy myself like my mother does. I'm really fucking scared of smoking and its consequences. Which is funny, because I should be as scared when it comes to alcohol, but I'm not. They both drink every day at 3 pm, after work. Every single day.

And it has been like this for years. Nothing has ever changed. A few months ago I had an actual discussion with my parents. We usually never have these sort of conversations (That's the issue, by the way. A very big lack of communication. Does that ring any bells?) and I was actually surprised when they told me they wanted to lay off the alcohol. I tried to approach the topic carefully and even offered them help (therapy etc.) but.. they also didn't want that. They straight up told me they don't need help. Which is really fucking frustrating because I want them to understand that they do, but they don't care.

I know change is really fucking hard and I've been there, but my parents had so many opportunities to change and never took them. Nothing has changed for so many years and I'm tired of it. I'm waiting for a change to happen but I know it's never coming anyway. I'm tired, mad, disappointed. That's how Jean feels about Harry, he just doesn't know how to help him and is an ass about it. And I'm just letting it happen, because there's nothing else I can do. I'm watching them destroy themselves every day and it fucking hurts. Something in me still feels a tiny flame of hope, when in reality that flame is already extinguished. I want people to understand, my father really fucking reminds me of Harry. The emotional abusive, the physical abuse, the alcoholism, the sexist remarks.. It just screams Harry. Especially given with how he had been around people Pre-Martinaise, which I have read in the game inside the damaged ledger. The fact that I love Harry to a certain degree says a lot of things.

The marriage between my parents is like if Dora never left Harry, and it's fucking awful.

-

That is mostly why I can relate to Jean so much. There's also some smaller things and I'll get to those now.

He fucking sucks at feelings. You can see it with the way he's trying to handle Harry, and it's not working.. Which, yeah. I suck at those too.

He likes to hide his sadness underneath a layer of cynicism and sarcasm as a coping method.. I do this all the fucking time.

Let's face it, this man is a fucking nervous wreck. He picks at his facial hair and displays a lot more habits like that, like him fixing his clothes (even though they look clean, according to one of the skills in the game), running his hand through his hair.. I do this without even realizing it.

He's depressed and fucking empty on the inside. He most likely hasn't felt real love from anyone or for himself in years. He needs therapy (lots of it), anti-depressants and a hug.. And I know what that feels like. I know it too well.

Lastly, he's a fucking mess. Like in every single way imaginable.. Again, very relatable.

Jean is such an amazing character for me to project on, to relate to and to find comfort in. I'm glad they made him fucked up, because that's what I love about him. He has so many flaws and I love every single one of them. He's in the game for like 15 minutes or less, but the impact he's had on me is insane. I've had a fair share of characters I would obsess over, but Jean hits different.

I'm so glad Jean-Heron Vicquemare exists, because I wouldn't know where I would be if I never met him. I want to thank my lovely friend (who is not on here, but I'm still saying it because I care about him a lot) for gifting me this amazing game.

And I want to thank you for reading this mess of a post.

If you have made it this far, I want to show you one last thing.

[youremyheaven]

Princess here. Hey babe how are you?

I feel like you're the only anon left here 🤭🤣

I currently have a slight cold and feel a bit out of it but I'm going to use this opportunity to do a bit of an inventory for 2024 as it is the end of the year. If anyone's interested, you can do the same and drop me askszz

Things I did in 2024:

1. Moved away from the place I lived in for 8 years 😭

2. Grew my hair down to my ass and then cut it chest length??? (My first haircut in like 3 years??)

Not all growth is meant to stay. Sometimes we grow in ways that help us protect ourselves during difficult circumstances but you can't live wearing your armour 24/7, so it's important to shed the layers we've accumulated every once in a while (me philosophising the heck out of my hairdresser telling me my hair is damaged and needs to lose length lmao 😭😂)

3. I cut off friendships I'd maintained for 8 ish years. Just because something has lasted a long time doesn't mean it has to stay. Especially if things aren't working out.

Don't tolerate disrespect and don't hold on just for the sake of it.

4. I went to therapy for 3-4 months and then I quit therapy

I needed it at that time but I'm also glad I quit when I did because I felt myself microanalysing everything through therapy speak and it wasn't healthy lol

5. I went back to my ex after 6 years and then it gave me the reality check I needed and I promptly left him

6. I dated someone who treated me like a princess but still somehow didn't respect me or value me lmao (yes, they exist)

7. A friend I had for a long ish time behaved inappropriately with me when he was drunk and despite having a gf, told me he thinks I'm hot etc etc this cemented my belief that men and women could perhaps never actually be friends

8. I started abusing substances after being sexually abused.

I never thought I'd have a substance addiction era bc that's sooo not me like no one would ever think I was a chainsmoker but that was the lowest point of my life this year. I didn't brush, shower, eat or even get out of bed for weeks. I stayed high and drunk bc I felt so unsafe in my body and was dissociating severely. I'm so glad to have recovered from it and move past it and to have had someone in my life who held my hand through that journey bc it was messy asf and I have sooo much compassion for people who stay stuck in that loop for years and lose so much of their time, like I completely get how easy it is to lose yourself entirely

9. Adult relationships are so different??

I wish I had been in a relationship in my early 20s or when I was in college so that I could get a little bit of a crash course on this stuff and not feel so overwhelmed by expectations bc im already 24 and things start getting serious at this age 😭😭

But I'm also glad I stayed single throughout college bc it really helped me solidify my own identity and understand who I am, what I want and what I expect. I think 18-22 are very personality cementing years and I'm kinda glad that my personality wasn't shaped by a romantic relationship even if I was madly in love with someone all those years (unrequited, one sided stuff). The act of being in love with someone unconditionally like that has perhaps altered me in ways I can't even express but I'm glad there's no trauma or drama to recall from that experience

10. What someone tells you when they're angry is exactly what they've been thinking of all this while.

11. I make my own money??? And pay my own bills??? And I have a job that I like??

12. You don't know a person until you live with them. Don't ever marry anyone you haven't lived with 🫡🫡

13. Sex is nothing special without love

14. Had really good sex and really bad sex

15. Met new people, made new friends

16. I modelled??? I've done a couple of photoshoots now??

17. Had ₹80 left in my bank account and still somehow survived

18. I learnt to cook and I loveeee to cook now

19. I got a tattoo!!!

20. I got many more piercings

21. I resolved a 1.5 year long "crush" twin flame esque situation I had with a guy

22. I travelled 💛

23. Built a new identity for myself 🫡

24. Restarted my creative journey

25. Lost touch with myself and then now I'm finally going home to me

[montammil]

June of Doom Day 25 - "I should have listened to you."

| Guilt | Backseat | Failure |

Characters: Rowan, Sawyer

Also kind of rushed and stuff, but I keep reminding myself this is a challenge, not something I need to be ultra perfectionist about lol.

Anyway, I thought it'd be fun if I showed Sawyer having a bit of stockholm syndrome since I usually give that to Marshall XD

CW: Yandere/creepy whumper, stockholm syndrome, dubcon touching (nothing inherently sexual), non-sexual nudity, mentioned branding

...

Sawyer didn't want to admit it, but after just two months of freedom, he was starting to regret his actions.

Rowan had been the source of most of his trauma, both physically and psychologically, and it was obvious that Rowan was as deranged as deranged got... but he didn't understand what he was doing was wrong. Rowan just needed help, and Sawyer learnt that his family had installed the idea in his mind that therapy would be a bad look on the Burnett name.

Each day, questions ran through his head. Would Rowan finally get the help he needs? Would Rowan continue searching for him until the day he's dead?

Would Rowan just find another person to replace Sawyer with?

As guilty as Sawyer felt for it, that question made him more upset than it should have, and for the wrong reasons. He was aware perhaps he had gotten a little stockholm syndrome during his time with Rowan, but he didn't think it was that bad.

Sometimes he felt comfort around Rowan... as long as he didn't get on his bad side, he could be such a nice guy. He'd bring him flowers, cook for him, spend a lot of time talking and laughing. He even played the piano for him.

At the same time, Sawyer couldn't let go of the fact that Rowan stalked him for god knows how long before he finally snatched him. Rowan burnt a brand into his flesh and held him hostage for four months.

The guilt was eating him alive. Guilt over something he knew he shouldn't feel.

It didn't help that he didn't even have a place to stay. His savings were almost depleted, and he knew he was close to getting kicked out of his apartment.

He was relying on his job at a fast food restaurant to support himself, but that didn't pay him enough to afford more than a week of groceries.

He wasn't thinking logically when he was fired for snapping at a rude customer. Sawyer never let his emotions get the best of him, but he was so tired and in a terrible mood that he let his filter go. He ended up getting into a screaming match, and was kicked out of the establishment.

Now, he had no idea what to do. He knew it was only a matter of days before he'd be out on the streets.

He couldn't exactly go back to his parents or sister. He didn't want to explain to them why he was in his situation. Plus, he would have to travel for days to even get back to the town he used to live in.

There was only one option he could see. He was depressed, about to be homeless, with no one who loves him.

Except Rowan.

Sawyer didn't realize how long he'd been sitting at the bus stop. It was late, past midnight. The streetlights were the only source of light in the pitch black of the night. He kept zoning in and out, unable to concentrate on anything. It felt like he was moving in slow motion.

He searched in Rowan's name, wondering if it'd come up. To his surprise, it did.

Rowan Burnett: Insurance Agent, 31, Oregon City. It was surreal seeing Rowan's name there on the screen, like he was just another ordinary person, leading an ordinary life.

He had no idea he was so successful, but that must've been due to his family's wealth. He clicked on his profile to see pictures of Rowan in suits, smiling for the camera, holding business meetings, attending charity events.

They were all from a year ago at latest. He hadn't updated since he met Sawyer.

The bus pulled up, breaking Sawyer out of his trance. He stepped on, shoving his wallet back in his pocket after handing the cash to the driver. He slumped down at a seat near the back.

He didn't know what he was thinking. Rowan was probably so furious with him, he was probably waiting for the opportunity to take Sawyer back and never let him go.

Yet in Rowan's absence, Sawyer learnt to miss his possessiveness. It was something he'd take to the grave, but he truly missed having someone who cared about him, someone who loved him, even if it was under the guise of obsession.

He remembered how to get there from his stop, his feet bringing him to the location instinctively. His memory still recalled the layout. He was thankful he remembered his escape route, which wasn't far away from Salem and another national forest.

It felt like a blur. Almost in a blink of an eye, he was outside the lake house. The lights were on, so it seemed Rowan was still up.

Sawyer hesitated. This was his last chance to turn back. And maybe Rowan wasn't even at the lake house. Maybe he was in his house in Oregon City, or even looking for him right now...

But his car was parked out front. Sawyer heard his heartbeat in his ears. This was stupid. He should've turned back, but he spent almost an hour walking all the way here. If he wanted to escape again, at least he now knew the way out.

That is, if Rowan ever gave him the opportunity to escape again.

He felt his hands reaching up to knock. Before he could stop himself, he was already rapping his knuckles against the oak door.

The sound resounded throughout the area. Sawyer held his breath, he didn't know what to expect. He hoped for the best, but that seemed too optimistic for him.

He heard the locks turning, and then the door cracked open. A familiar pair of lavender eyes appeared, widening when they saw him. It was silent.

The tension was so thick, he felt like he was going to suffocate.

"Sawyer...?" Rowan whispered. He let the door swing open, his mouth parted in shock. His hair was a mess, and his outfit was wrinkled. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. It was all an unusual look on him. He stepped forwards, and Sawyer noticed how his hand twitched. Rowan looked like he was unsure if Sawyer was really there.

Sawyer nodded, biting his lip. He let out a shaky breath. "I..." He looked away. "I shouldn't have run. I'm sorry." He let out a self-deprecating chuckle. "You were right. No one cares about me, no one wants me. I should have listened to you."

He was expecting Rowan to yell, to scream, to even slap him. When Rowan raised his hand, he braced himself. Instead, Rowan gently cupped his cheek, lifting his gaze up.

His eyes were still wide, like he couldn't believe Sawyer was back in his arms. Sawyer hadn't once seen such a vulnerable look in his eyes. He was only gone for two months. He felt so ashamed. He had no real reason to return, yet here he was. He was pathetic.

Rowan pulled him into a hug. "My love," he exhaled. He hugged him tighter, as if Sawyer was going to disappear if he let go. "You came back to me. You really came back to me." He pushed Sawyer's bangs out of his face and looked down at him with an adoring smile.

Sawyer melted. He didn't know why, but it felt nice. He didn't have to hide anything, and he didn't have to pretend to be someone he wasn't.

Rowan guided him inside. He was still trembling, like he was holding himself back from touching Sawyer all over. Rowan shut the door behind them and locked it.

"I missed you," Sawyer admitted. He didn't know why he said that. It just slipped out, and he couldn't take it back now.

Rowan breathed out a sigh of relief. "I missed you so much, my darling. You don't know how hard it was to fall asleep without you beside me. I don't know how I managed it."

Sawyer normally would have rolled his eyes at how dramatic he was, but he found himself relating to the statement. The bed always felt so empty and cold without Rowan, he had gotten so used to sleeping by his side.

"But it doesn't matter anymore," he continued. "I have you, and you're staying. Right?"

"Yes," Sawyer replied. He didn't believe in his statement, not completely, but he knew Rowan wouldn't take no for an answer. "I want to stay with you. I'm yours."

Rowan grinned and kissed him roughly. "All mine." He kissed him again, his hands roaming over Sawyer's body. He kissed along his jaw and neck, humming against his skin.

Sawyer's heart was racing. He missed the way Rowan touched him. It wasn't a romantic touch, it was rough, dominating, and maybe that was the way he preferred it.

He let Rowan touch all over his body, only managing to ask, "Are you mad at me?"

He contemplated his words. "If I had to hunt you down--which I have tried-- I would've had you tied outside like a dog by now." Sawyer shivered at the thought. "But you willingly came back, and for that, I am beyond pleased. But if you dare even think about leaving again," he continued, voice dipping to a growl. He licked along his Adam's apple, sucking a bruise on it. "I'll have to get creative with my punishments. I don't need to do that, do I?"

Sawyer shook his head. "No, Rowan."

"Good. Now let's get you a bath, you smell like you haven't had one in months." He reached down to intertwine their fingers, leading him down the hall. "This is why you need me to take care of you, you never take care of yourself." He ushered Sawyer into the bathroom.

He waited patiently for him to finish drawing a bath, dumping soap and oils in it. He was soaking up the feeling of being back, Sawyer felt at peace. It felt wrong to feel that way, but he couldn't stop the thoughts.

Rowan began undressing Sawyer, kissing him every few seconds. He couldn't stop touching him. Given how lonely he imagined Rowan must've been without him, it made sense.

Sawyer subconsciously ran his fingers through Rowan's hair, and it caused him to grin ear to ear. Sawyer had never seen him look so blissful.

He entered the tub, watching Rowan get undressed as well. It wasn't the first time, and it definitely wouldn't be the last. He had no issues with it anymore. This was the routine he had gotten used to for several months, and it felt right. He sighed when he felt the warm water soak into his sore muscles. It was nice.

Rowan slid in the tub as well, pulling Sawyer in his lap. He wrapped his arms around him, peppering his shoulders and the back of his neck with kisses.

"You have a lot of freckles," Sawyer muttered. He ran his fingertips over his skin, tracing a few of the prominent ones.

"Do I? I never paid much attention to them." Rowan dipped his hand in the water. He reached over to grab a loofah, using it to wipe down Sawyer's back. "I was a mess when you were gone. It's funny, I even called in some family friends to look for you." He chuckled.

Sawyer tensed. "What?"

"It's okay, you don't have to worry your pretty little head about it," he assured. "I mean, you're so small. It was hard to imagine you managed to survive all by yourself. It's only reasonable I'd get worried for my soulmate's safety, right? It's such a cruel world, even you admitted that yourself." He set the loofah aside to grab shampoo and conditioner.

He decided to just ignore Rowan's earlier statement. He knew it was dangerous to prod for answers, especially with the topic of Rowan's hired men. It made him wonder what kind of family he had.

"Tilt your head back for me, please." Sawyer followed his command. Rowan poured water over his head.

He put shampoo in his palms and began scrubbing at Sawyer's scalp. He worked through his hair until it was free of knots, and then added conditioner. He made sure to get his body clean as well, washing the dirt off and admiring his handiwork.

"There. All clean." Rowan pulled him back against him again, resting his head on his shoulder.

Sawyer's eyelids felt heavy. He leaned into Rowan, already feeling drowsy. He closed his eyes and just focused on the feeling of the water surrounding him.

Next thing he knew, he was dressed in silk pajamas and being carried to bed. He was half awake, but couldn't manage to open his eyes. Rowan placed him on the mattress, but Sawyer refused to let him go. He hugged him around his waist. "Stay with me."

If he could see Rowan's expression, he knew it'd be on the verge of tears. The bed dipped, and Sawyer was wrapped in a firm embrace. He nuzzled his face in the crook of his captor's neck. He'd regret this, but that was an issue for tomorrow.

For tonight, he just wanted to get lost in Rowan's affections. He didn't feel so alone when he was with Rowan.

"I love you," Rowan breathed out. His grip tightened. "I love you so much."

"I know. I love you too."

And maybe, if only just for this one night, he really did mean it.

[honeyhotteoks]

oh chai, we'd love to hear your thoughts on unpacking trauma and sexual exploring through fiction!

i feel like it's such a deep topic to explore and talk about!

✨anon

okay i’m putting on my social sciences/literature hat on for this one, but it’s also about to get a little personal in here, so i’m throwing my reply under the cut :)

cw for discussions around trauma, grief, SA, violence, child SA, taboo kinks etc.

this is most certainly going to get a little rambly, but i have a lot of thoughts about this and personal experiences to bring to the table. i’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because i was recently watching a conversation in a discord server dig into more niche kinks in a way that was using so much problematic and shameful language i was really disappointed. this is also a huge reason why i am a big proponent of tagging fics accurately, and spills over into all the big thoughts i have about the romance genre and dark romance in particular.

i’ll start from a personal perspective so everyone understands my reference points. without getting into too much detail, i have a lot of childhood trauma around emotional and physical abuse / neglect that i’ve been unpacking in therapy for a long time, but writing has also been a place for me to work through many of those issues. i’ve also personally experienced sexual harassment and attempted assault, and as many of you probably already know, i experienced the sudden loss of my father several years ago. writing has always been, and will probably always be, the place where i work through those complex thoughts. in aurora the reader’s mother suddenly passed away and was dealing with an alcoholic father, and i was writing that at the same time i was dealing with the sudden traumatic loss of my father and my mother’s battle with alcoholism. it was beyond cathartic for me to write through that experience, especially in a way where my alternative “self” in reader was being cared for, listened to, validated, and held through that grief. while it wasn’t intentional at the time, i didn’t set out to write that to make myself feel better, when i read it now i realize how much i was trying to process at that time and how helpful it was. the same can be said for TNT, the attempted claim scene in retrospect really was my attempt at processing something very personal and almost ‘re-writing’ it with yunho and mingi as protective heroes, something i did not have at the time.

that is all to say, romance as a genre has used particular tropes, kinks, or taboos forever and i think it is a really reductive reading of that genre to assume women are just writing and reading things because they think it’s ‘hot’ or ‘sexy’ or whatever. i’ve been reading hurt/comfort and SA recovery fics and novels in the romance space forever, it’s honestly a personal favorite of mine. while i know some people hate that trope, i would argue that through fiction people who have suffered a trauma might be able to safely expose themselves to those ideas / triggers and find comfort in storylines that don’t turn out as painful and awful as the real world. in the real world victims of SA for example often do not get justice, they may have many re-traumatizing experiences, and they may struggle to get the help that they need or to find a partner who is understanding and supportive. fiction is an opportunity to explore the alternative. what if the worst thing in the world could happen to you (or did happen to you) but instead of the system failing you etc., what if someone had been there to emotionally and physically support you in the ways you wanted and needed?

that is one way of exploring those concepts, but another is through kink. i’m specifically thinking about CNC for this example, and i know that some people find that kink not only triggering but distasteful, but there are many people who have experienced a traumatic incident where they were out of control that a properly organized cnc scene can help them feel fully in control, because they are. for some, cnc is a kink that makes no sense and seems no different than a ‘rape fetish’, but for many it is a way to safely process trauma or fears while always having the control to say when too much is too much.

as a note, i’d extend this further to other concepts, kinks, or taboos as well. i’m not saying everyone should be comfortable reading or engaging with kinks like ddlg, age play, incest kinks, etc. etc., but this can be a safe way to unpack trauma for some. specifically for something like ddlg, the safety of a dominant caring for their partner as they play in a child-like headspace can be incredibly healing for some. it’s not something i personally understand or have experience with, but i have spoken to those in kink spaces who feel this very intrinsically and are in deeply healthy relationships with this as a dynamic. from a writing perspective, these kinks can be explored safely within the bounds of fiction and comfort characters in ways that can be very healing and very safe.

now, this isn’t to say everyone writing dark concepts has had a trauma that they are working through, but it certainly is my personal experience and in talking with a lot of different writers and readers, this is a common thread. the safety of fiction, particularly in the romance genre, allows spaces for people, particularly women, to rework and process concepts of trauma, safety, and security. i particularly emphasize the concept of a ‘safe man’ here. i don’t know a woman alive who hasn’t had a traumatic or distasteful experience with a man, misogyny is rampant…. but many of us still love men, want relationships with men, and want to feel safe and validated by men. there are lots of good guys out there to be sure, but fiction is a great way of exploring something traumatic or scary with the knowledge that the character will be saved/safe/cared for/healed by a man, something many women might want in a partner.

one disclaimer i do have though on the dark romance genre as a whole - while i understand that a bully romance or very serious enemies to lovers romance (i.e. a villain who is actually abusing the FMC) can also function in the same ways, to unpack trauma, i do read this genre with a lot of caution and i think we need to be careful in the ways that we talk about these romances. again, this is not to shame anyone’s preferences whatsoever, but i do think we need to be careful about how we discuss certain dark romance concepts. i personally will not read and will never write work that features a relationship where the male romantic lead starts off as a physical or emotional abuser, for me this is too triggering and offers too many gray areas for young readers to misinterpret healthy relationships vs. kink exploration and fantasy. It’s totally fine if this is how you as a reader explore and unpack trauma, or even just what you find hot outside of that, but I personally think we need to be careful hyping these books up etc. HOWEVER - dead dove content has existed for a very long time, and everything i’ve said about unpacking and reworking trauma through fiction applies here, it’s purely a personal preference that i limit this content for myself.

lastly, on the note of sexuality and sexual exploration - fanfiction has been a space for people to safely explore this too. to be more than exceptionally clear, sexuality is not a “kink”, has nothing to do with “taboos” or trauma or anything i’ve spoken about thus far. but in the same way that fiction, particularly fanfiction, is a place to explore the interior, this applies to sexuality. In fiction, you can explore same sex relationships, het relationships, cis, trans, and nonbinary experiences alike, to say nothing of polyamory. Outside of just sexual acts and bodies, it’s a place to explore romantic attachments of all different kinds. As a bisexual woman who grew up in a very conservative, very christian household, fanfiction was a place for me to explore the idea of f/f relationships, m/m relationships, and all kinds of combinations in between. In fiction, these relationships can be explored without the threat of ostracism or physical violence, something many people in the lgbtqia+ community know too well. whether reading or writing, it’s a way to explore those internal thoughts, impulses, and interests safely and often in stories that have a happy ending to look forward to.

hopefully that makes sense if you’re still here - and feel free to ask any questions you may have! :)

[p-i-r-culture]

! PLEASE READ THIS POST ALL OF THE WAY BEFORE INTERACTING !

---

Terminology and Definitions

Problematic in recovery - a term used to describe a person who's considered "problematic" in online spaces (eg. Tiktok, Youtube, Tumblr, etc.) and is wishing to end their problematic behavior and rehabilitate. A majority of these people who identify with this label struggle with some sort of mental illness that may have contributed to the behavior and/or their behavior is how they got the disorder. Many of us have also experienced trauma of some sort and used problematic behavior as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Note: this does not excuse the actions that were done, if someone is doing something they shouldn't, hold then accountable in a way that is beneficial to both you and the person being held accountable. This label was made to address the issues that cancel culture has created over the years, and how those issues have affected people negitively.

Problematic (in terms of online behavior) - having or showing attitudes (such as racial prejudice) or ideas (such as falsehoods) that are offensive, disturbing, or harmful, in this context, it occurs while in online spaces. While the exact cause of this behavior is unknown, a lack of understanding of social cues and norms can play a role, alongside exposure to inappropriate content at a young age that may alter the person's beliefs, and other forms of trauma. Some people who are deemed "problematic" often describe it as an addiction, once you start, it's difficult to stop, though regularly scheduled therapy and medications used to treat the mental illness that is causing the behavior in question can help.

Cancel Culture - a cultural phenomenon in which an individual deemed to have acted or spoken in an unacceptable manner is ostracized, boycotted, shunned, fired or assaulted, often aided by social media. Popular examples of this are the cancelation of Yandere Dev, Melanie Martinez (a recent one), and Vivziepop, along with many others. Originally, cancel culture was used to put an end to dangerous behaviors and to hold celebrities accountable for their harmful actions since the media would often allow their behaviors to go on.

Unfortunately, cancel culture doesn't take into account those who are struggling with mental illness or have neurological disabilities that may impact how they handle specific situations, and as a result, it leads to ableism and stigma, and cancel culture is also rooted in bullying and harassment, which may make the problematic behavior in question worsen and deter the person in question from seeking help and/or changing their behaviors, and in worst cases, it leads to the person taking their own life.

Simple answer: It's anti-recovery and pro-harassment.

For more information on how cancel culture can impact someone, I recommend checking out this video by BreDrawz, as she does a very good job as explaining this topic and how harmful cancel culture can be:

Why this blog?

When I first discovered that my behaviors were considered problematic, and infact were hurting people, I wanted to put and end to it, and all in all try to make myself a better person. Unfortunately, with the rise of Cancel culture, I and many others haven't been able to get the resources needed to make the necessary changes to myself, and this, combined with the already existing ableism I've faced since I was a child, had unfortunately caused me to frequently relapse, further pushing the stigma and worsening my mental health.

It eventually got so bad to where I had begun to contemplate taking my own life, and it was only because I discovered that I infact was redeemable that I didn't do it.

On my journey to recovery, I had discovered that I was not the only one dealing with this, as many others had been dealing with the same issues I was, and that made me feel less alone.

I hope to provide that same feeling of community through this blog.

DNI (DO NOT INTERACT)

Anyone who fits into these categories: Ableism (especially against neurodivergent people and anyone with "evil" mental illnesses, such as NPD or BPD), Racism, Sexism/misogyny, Homophobia/ transphobia, Antisemitism, Pro-genocide of any kind, Nazis and Neo-Nazis, pro-"life", or any sort of discrimination that I haven't listed here.

People who justify literal bullying as "criticism" (seriously, it never helps, there's a difference between actual criticism that can help someone and bullying)

Personality disorder Abuse believers (eg: Narcissist abuse believers)

People who make mental illness look like a quirky trend (Eg: saying "bpd = beautiful princess disorder", "I'm so OCD" etc.)

Anti-recovery (especially when it comes down to mental illness)

Cancel culture participants

About the Blog Owner

Hi there! My name is Luca(s) Krager, but you might know me as Nozomi Kaizoku. I'm a 17 year old AuDHD and BPD content creator. My pronouns are he/she/they. I'm mostly known for my artwork and contributions to the Tony Crynight community

For more bout me, here is my main blog! :3

@nozomi-kaizoku

Other blogs to check out if you're interested!

@borderline-culture-is

@narcissist-culture-is

@/aspd-culture (they have asked not to be tagged in this post)

@cluster-b-culture-is

@hpdcultureis

@autismcultureis

@adhd-culture-is

@ndcultureis

[skarkkk]

1. Buck & Maddie

I will never get over the Buckley siblings and their bond. Little scenes, dialogues, bigger things, parallels with romantic partners, their upbringing. In this case, Maddie raising her own brother. All of it. Who they are, individually and as a family. 

They are, in a way, each other's support. Sure, Maddie has Chimney and Buck has Eddie (yes, we love the fact that we compared a couple to best friends) but still. They are always there for each other. And this is the second time that means searching for their kidnapped sister. Which means trying to survive the trauma of being kidnapped.

Therapy is, without a doubt, the only option for them.

And, particularly Maddie and the fact that they are not going to simply ignore her trauma. As hinted, little, in this episode and in the promo for episode 12.

It's already something that she is out of the hospital, considering she had her fucking throat slit by a psychopath.

According to the timeline, the kidnapping would have happened and Eddie would have left a week later. So she spent, I speculate, at least a week in the hospital. Which, even so, doesn't seem like a long time considering the severity of the injury. Speaking with a degree in House, Hannibal and books.

I believe that this, the recovery time, will be shown more in episode 12 because of her return to work and when she loses her voice answering that phone call.

2. Ravi Panikkar.

First, I was right. A stopgap. Always. And they're showing more about Ravi. Which leads me to consider that he might die or have an episode talking about his past. Which, considering the cancer, will be lovely to watch ( I'll unlive myself ).

Attachment issues. Insecurity issues. I consider it canon. The first because of his past ( I decided I'm going to do a character analysis of Ravi ) and the second, because of, but not only because of, that he's always called in as a replacement in shift A.

From what I've counted, badly, because I was in a constant state of freaking out, Ravi was called Eddie at least three times. And he said he was used to it. So, either this thing of being called Eddie already happened that time he left because of Chris and it wasn't shown, or because of the simple idea of not belonging.

I liked that they showed Bobby being affected by Eddie's departure too, and I loved that this also adds some depth to Ravi.

— Buck, Eddie you're on the flanks.

— I think you mean Buck and Ravi.

— It's okay I'm used to it.

Now, what shocks me the most is: 4 years. I don't even know where to begin with this.

1. The 118 can't be considered a real family to him, because they don't know him. So what was that episode in season 6 about Chimney bringing our princess home like Bobby planned? Creating a sense of family reunion and getting back to friends. Mainly creating a bond between him and Chimney, and also between him and Hen ( about cancer )

2. None of them bothered to try to get to know him. I understand that in the first moments. A newbie ( S4 ), Chimney out ( S5 ), Eddie out ( S5 ) . But later? When they were all together as if on a single shift? When we know that they, the 118, meet up even outside of 24-hour shifts? When we know that they include Ravi in more family-oriented things? Like Madney's wedding. And friendly ones, like Chimney's bachelor party. Besides the iconic episode of the author who faked his own death. They've even been through traumas together. Like the bridge that collapsed ( S6E18 ) The fucking prison ( S5E6 )

3. In four years, as a firefighter and within the 118 and still, we barely had him? Yes, king of the shifts, but STILL. Could we have had our princess as the protagonist for so long and that's it? We had almost nothing. Sure, there was the change from FOX to ABC and like, timeline, but still. In a big picture, in four years we could very well fit him as a protagonist character.

4. I remembered the prison scene ( S5E6 ). And the aftermath, in the hospital. The scene where Bobby invites him to breakfast. Which, given who Bobby is, definitely creates a line of fatherhood, familiarity, you know, the comfort of a mentor figure who cares about you ( I don't know, but you get the idea ). And then it cuts to him mistaking Ravi for Eddie and it's like, understandable, of course, but also sad. Because he misses a friend, a son-in-law, a son, and Ravi feels out of place where he shouldn't feel. Where family should be.

I hate to think that for Ravi, 118 are just friends and colleagues, it would make perfect sense, but still. He's part of 118, the fandom considers him family and you go there and try to show that he's not? I don't accept it. Which leads me to the idea that something will happen about this. This issue with him. At least I hope so, because I tend to read too much into things. But focusing on a secondary character is always trauma or protagonism, and protagonism always means trauma. He had cancer, damn it, he grew up in hospitals, he likes cricket, he has a good relationship with his family, he doesn't have much of a brain/mouth filter. He has trauma, depth, EVERYTHING to be a protagonist. Including and especially the love of the fandom.

I hated and loved Buck going after him, but being kind of cut off. Ravi is more than right, especially because he knows that Buck is only getting closer because of Eddie's departure.

— I am a funny guy. But did you just notice that now? 

And all the looks, because yes. Four years. FOUR years. And you don't bother to get to know your coworker? Now it's not even about family, but camaraderie. And also family, with 118 it's always about family.

I loved the bar scene. And I thought Ravi was amazing, throughout the entire episode, but anyway, him reminding Buck that yes, he did something illegal like an army silver medal. And then leaving Buck with his ex. Wonderful move. Iconic move.

I'm pretty sure Ravi's favorite sport was cricket. And I'm pretty sure I read a fic about it, on ao3. Of him talking about this game with Eddie. But again, constant state of freaking out, no subtitles, and no rewatching of the episode.

This is more of a wish, or a fanfic idea. I need Ravi's ep to be after Eddie returns to LA, but when he's not back on the team yet. And then Ravi feels left out, and gets injured on some call and ends up in the hospital, almost dying. So when he wakes up the team is super worried.

And something like:

— I didn't think you'd be here.

Of course, we'd also have the opportunity to meet Ravi's family. Which would be great because he seems to be the only one in the 118 with a really good connection with his parents.

3. Bobby Nash.

I had completely forgotten about his mom, Ann, in the promo that had been released, so it was kind of a shock. But if there's one thing I hate, it's how they simplify any relationship between family with that excuse that it's family, and therefore you should forgive. That's not how it works.

It's a bit fucked up, and not in a good way, that everything "worked out" because she almost died, when she wouldn't have tried to work it out if it weren't for Charlie ( Bobby's older brother ).

I don't blame her for abandoning Bobby's father, Tim, it was completely fair, but leaving her son, a child, behind with his alcoholic father wasn't. It wasn't Bobby's responsibility to take care of his father, just as it's not any child's responsibility to take care of their parents. Of course, Bobby was the one who chose not to abandon his father, but that's one thing. There was a way to still be present in her son's life and ignore her ex-husband.

I just think it sad, and maybe I've never talked about this in another episode review, how Bobby was a child when he started developing a certain addiction. And that the only parental influence he had was his unstable father.

— Dad would be so proud of you.

Who cares? He was a shitty alcoholic. It's not the fact that he's an alcoholic that makes him a bad person, it's not his fault that he can't stay sober, and that doesn't mean much either. Because it would be disregarding the strength of people, like Bobby himself, who deal with alcoholism and stay sober. The guy is a firefighter, he lived under pressure, he coped with it with the help of alcohol. Like Bobby kind of did. And, just like Bobby with the loss of his family and the fire, his father had a reason to try.

His family.

Alcoholism is more serious than just a black or white representation, obviously, and in a way it's portrayed that way in the series. Not black and white, but that gray area. Which shows Bobby's guilt with the fire and sobriety, the woman who drove drunk with her son in the car and still tried to sober up ( S4, pre and post Eddie being shot ), the man who also drove drunk and sought help in Bobby's AA group ( S6, post-Wendel ) and, what creates this most important link between act and consequence, the nurse, Amir Casey, who lost his wife in Bobby's fire ( S7E8 ).

4. Buddie.

I really don't know how to start. I procrastinated writing this because I would just freak out when I was going to do it.

So, starting in general. They really did this. They talked about the possibility of Buck being in love with Eddie. Something very different from what happens on screen with Buddie because there is always unrequited love and I'm trying very hard to have an objective and not personal view. Which is very difficult. 

It wasn't once, it wasn't a little joke like Maddie talking about “boy crush on Eddie” in season two. It wasn't even twice. The whole episode was practically about Eddie, and he wasn't even on screen. He definitely sneezed a lot. 

— I just though you are staying at Eddie house not here.

Chimney, as always, a well of reason (hmm) and acidity. I love him. But yeah.

The point is, from basically buying his best friend's house to 'living' with his sister just shows the issue that he couldn't stay there. For what reasons? Who knows ( we know )

The point is, GHOST.

— It’s just feels like Eddie home. 

— My beastfriend’s gone.

And this is all about Abby again.

And him living in a house/apartment that wasn't his and being haunted by memories and hopes that she would come back. And waiting for her. And him being the ghost.

And then with Eddie. Living in his house, with all the family memories and this isn't just about Eddie. Think of him living in the house where he took care of Chris after Eddie got shot, where he went to pick Chris up for all those zoo days, or visit his Diaz's or just think of him willing to live in his family's house without her there. Buck doesn't seem as hopeful that Eddie will come back ( like me ). And Abby didn't come back, so maybe Eddie will. And Abby came back with a new romance, and then maybe Eddie will create a new romance in LA ( with Buck, please. )

We talk about creating romance and let's talk about Mitchell and Thomas.

— You don't find it, son, you make It.

And then the shitty SEVEN years they lived together. And their whole connection and the FACT that Buck is legally Chris' guardian.

Let's talk about David and Michael. Let's talk about Bobby and Athena. Karen and Hen. Let's talk about Maddie and Chimney.

And yes, I can think of at least one Buddie parallel to each of them.

Mavid? The elevator scene, door closing (so... where did we leave off? / At least it's not a tsunami). Plus Michael's big, HUGE connection to Eddie.

Bathena? Watching the person you love almost die.

Kahen? Second chances. An actual betrayal, and the process that felt like it.

Madney? I'll try to pick just one. Karaoke. 

I picked Mavid for the obvious. Bathena too. Kahen I confess I can't think of many, but I like the symbolism of it. And Madney, I picked a younger one, but one that speaks volumes to those who know him.

And we don't need to speculate ( we him, and fits ), but if you want something concrete, just bring Tommy Kinard into the conversation.

I want to make it clear that I have no opinion about the character because I simply don't care ( besides Lou Ferringno Jr. be a hottie ). At the same time, I love him in the sense that he was the one who helped Buck discover himself. That's it. That's all.

Now, Tommy.

First, I loved that Eddie stopped talking to him after Tevan's breakup because it shows a lot about Eddie's friendship and loyalty. It also leads me to believe that Tommy wasn't that important to Eddie.

Of course, he would never be on the same level as Buck, but if you like this friend, it's possible to still talk to him and still be on Buck's side. There was no betrayal, it wasn't a particularly bad breakup. But he didn't make an effort.

And I love this because it just makes me think that Tommy was supposed to be with Eddie and not Buck, in the planning. And then, in the series, he obviously wanted Eddie. For god's sake, Tommy took Eddie to see something he liked in a helicopter. And then as a gift to Buck he gave him a basketball ticket. I won't even start on Tommy's surprise when Buck said he wanted to get his attention. Honestly? It seems more like if Tommy had the chance, he would get both of them at the same time. Which, well, I've already read, and liked.

And also, Tommy was insecure about Eddie the WHOLE TIME. We knew that, but now it's CANON. Canon.

That he (C), was jealous of his boyfriend's (A) best friend (B) and that's such a couple move that ends and then A and B get together and C thinks, I was right to be jealous.

I talked and talked but didn't really present things, 'proof', of why he pulled Tommy. But this episode is the entire example, basically.

From the beginning.

Buck having a relapse with his ex (thanks Ravi). And I didn't mind that, because I got more queer hookup scenes ( like Kahen ), even though it was dark I could still see it, and it was beautiful, especially Buck's movements and face ( man, seriously, JESUS ). Then I remembered that it would be Eddie's house and I felt kind of dirty. Because I did the math. There are two bedrooms in that house. One for Chris, one for Eddie ( as we saw when Buck took care of Chris after the shooting, because if there was a guest room he would sleep there and not on the couch ). He certainly wouldn't do that in Chris's, even though it wasn't his for a while. So that leaves only Eddie's. And you get what I mean. It was like, illogically, watching a boyfriend cheat on the other with an ex-lover. It was also pretty hilarious to freak out about it.

Which brought me to Tommy, wanting to try it now that Eddie is gone. So they really brought up Tommy wanting to try now that Eddie is gone.

— Now that the competition is out of the way.

Which is pretty ridiculous when you stop to think about where they were, but I get it.

— Wait, Eddie?

And I love that there's no other point of view about them because Tommy was also Eddie's friend, so it wasn't about not trusting or not liking. It was jealousy, and insecurity.

— I'm your first. But I won't be your last.

And why would he feel insecure about that? Huh? Why? Because he knows more than Buck, more than Eddie.

He's the first male character in a romantic point of view that comes between Buck and Eddie. And I love that. For example;

— And Eddie is straight.

The sound Tommy makes, like he knows something we don't. Well, that Buck doesn't know, because we do. Or him realizing that's Buck's excuse.

Because at every turn, Buck dodges these ‘claims’ of being in love with Eddie by continually saying “he’s straight” and “straight best friend”. And my dear, I, even in a universe where I’m not a writer, could find a thousand ways to deny MY feelings about my friend.

The first would be to not point out that she/he isn’t gay either. Because it gives an indication that you want him/her because you can’t. Which is not good for convincing people that you don’t.

The whole kitchen scene was like watching a fanfic. Or maybe a jealous, healthy episode of Queer as Folk ( I started watching it today, I need to talk about it ), only with implied sex.

So skip to Maddie. That woman needs peace. I’m not going to talk about all the trauma, poor thing, but always in the middle of Buck’s outbursts about Eddie or romantic partners.

— Just by living in his house I must be in love with Eddie?

— Are you?

— In love with Eddie?

— It wouldn't be so crazy.

I swore, in this scene, that Maddie would ask if he was in love with Eddie. Because it's just like her. And because she always knows. She acted surprised with the pronoun thing, with Buck being bi, but Maddie knows the brother she has more than anyone. Because she's also right. It wouldn't be crazy for Buck to be in love with Eddie. And that's just being rational, I don't even need to be a shipper ( but I am ).

You have this best friend who is basically the closest person to you, more close even of your family ( except Maddie, she's amazing ) and you basically raise a child together. You have seven years of friendship and a special connection that understands each other by looking at each other, that protects each other, that knows each other's pain. And then you realize that you're bi. And you date this guy, Tommy, that guy you were super jealous of when he approached this friend. And then this guy breaks up with you with some weird talk. And your friend leaves. And this guy comes back. And people start talking about you being in love with this friend. And oh, maybe you are.

Of course, not every queer person falls in love with their same-gender friends even after years of connection, that's pretty wrong to say, but I'm talking specifically about Buck and Eddie. And within the fandom we know that these moments of connection are more than just deep conversations, it's literally feeling the taste of his blood in your mouth, him knowing how long your heart stopped beating until he came back, being named legal guardian of his son, ALL of that. Everything else.

And the couch. The fucking couch.

Every Buddie shipper comes up with the couch theory at some point while watching the series. And we consider Eddie to be the right couch ( ha, you'll feel it on him, huh ), that dark blue couch in Eddie's living room. So Buck starts living in Eddie's house. And he trades the couch for his. And what the hell does that mean? That house is the right house. Because when Eddie comes back, and he will, that's going to be their couch. He chose Eddie's house to put his couch in.

God, I can't think anymore without freaking out or getting lost in theories and assumptions. So, that's basically it.

HOLY SHIT THEY TALKED ABOUT BUDDIE.

[misty-caligula]

This is my big one for s2e6 and it’s the thing that made me bolt upright in my chair, really just ... kicked me in the chest. For context my point of view on the show is a non-supernatural one, I do not think Lottie is psychic I think she’s delusional. It’s okay if you do not, but that’s the context for my take:

I have a strong suspicion that adult!Lottie’s being played, and I really do not like it.

Full disclosure, I have a history in the psychiatric world as a patient, I’m not schizophrenic but I am psychotic and I am well managed and very stable but like... I know what this shit is meant to be like, from about 15 years of personal experience. So back in s2e4 I was immediately .... confused. By Lott’s new psych. She seemed... just off.

I thought to myself “Hey, you know, psychiatry is one of those things that is so often misrepresented in all forms of media, I’m probably just reading too much into it.” But then I rewatched (and rewatched) and the more I did the more it felt... deliberate. What got to me was that ... her normal psych has gone on sabattical and been replaced, and the new one is trying to tell her not to suppress her visions with medication but try to understand them and what they’re trying to tell her.

A real psychiatrist simply would never talk like that. Would never suggest that. As far as psychiatry is concerned, Lottie is schizophrenic, her visions are delusional. And delusions/hallucinations are less ... they’re less like dreams where you might think “Oh I’m going to keep track of what I’m dreaming about and see if it means anything” (which, incidentally, is also not a thing a psychiatrist would usually do, but that’s besides the point) but are more like... a damaged computer, throwing up random, unsorted and unrelated data. Our brains are pattern finders, we desperately try to make connections in what we experience, and when our brains start misfiring and giving us bizarre and nonsensical data we still try to connect it. Delusional thinking doesn’t ... say anything about you, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just the brain trying to sort nonsense into piles of organised nonsense.

From a psychiatric perspective a delusion or hallucination is a symptom no different to a ... headache or a rash. It’s a non-desirable issue to be treated and ideally cured, not ... explored and looked at for some kind of deeper meaning. And this isn’t even talking about like, trauma, and processing it through therapy. Lottie’s psychosis manifested long before the plane, she’s been on medication most of her life. It’s not something she can just... ignore, or choose to fight, or try not to have. More than that, by actively engaging with it it damages her coping mechanisms that she’s developed over the years to ground her in reality when she’s not certain.

Anyway. This all just seemed.... off. Wrong. And Lottie’s reaction is to say “There’s no meaning, because they’re not REAL.” Because she’s spent a LOT of time in treatment, trying to build a solid foundation of reality to live on. She’s clearly very distressed by the idea of losing touch with that, and her psych is NOT helping. It all seemed very... off.

I thought through options of what was going on. Maybe... maybe her new psych isn’t real? Maybe she’s talking to the wall? That was my best theory with so little to go on. But it was not a very satisfying answer, and didn’t really fit the general themes and style of the show anyway... I was confused.

Fast forward to ep 6 and we get more time with the new psych. Lott is now CLEARLY agitated. She can’t sit still, seems very anxious. She starts talking about “the visions” and “this feeling even about things that I know are right infront of me, it’s like it’s pointing me towards back then.” Her psych says “Is it possible that your fear of the past might be actually your fear of your illness?” Only THAT IS NOT WHAT LOTT SAID. She didn’t SAY she was afraid of the past, she was afraid of “a feeling about things I know are right infront of me, pointing me back towards then.” What does she mean by that? Finding random queens in a pile of papers? Visions of dead bees? The reality is that she’s not afraid of the past, she’s losing touch with reality. In psychiatric wording, she’s struggling to hold onto “insight” i.e. the ability to determine what’s real or not.

Lott kind of misses this disconnected thought though, and instead she says “That’s not the problem, I’m not worried that I’m ill, I’m worried I never was.” This shows a complete LACK of insight, she’s forgotten that only very recently she was terrified of her illness and now she’s suddenly thinking that maybe 30+ years of treatment were all for nothing? Maybe she was just never sick at all?

Then she goes off on a tangent, she says “With Travis coming, Natalie and now Misty’s here too. It’s like it sent them here, to show me.” “To show you what?” “That it WAS real. And that I wasn’t the only one who felt it out there, that it was all of us, that it was a part of us.” “What is...it...Lottie?” And she goes off about the god of the wilderness and the terrible things they did.

But... okay so Lott’s losing her objectivity here, which is ... not uncommon for a psychotic person to deal with. And she’s developing a belief that she was never sick, that she was never delusional, that it was always real. Now only 2 episodes beforehand she’d come to the psych on an emergency basis to increase her meds PRECISELY because she was afraid this would happen. She’s TERRIFIED of getting to this exact point, being this exact way. Because it leaves her absolutely out of control of herself, her own mind.

But listen to what the psychiatrist is saying. First she says to her face that Lott’s psychosis is “controlled.” But... no it’s not! She’s having hallucinations, she’s CLEARLY delusional, and showing all kinds of signs of psychosis. She’s definitionally out of control.

Then she asks probing questions not about her mental state, but about the details of her delusions, about the god of the forest. She STILL hasn’t increased her meds and she’s acting like it’s not at all weird that she’s saying stuff like “I think I’m not sick and never was.” Which, to a psychotic person or a psychiatrist is SUCH a red flag, because the next immediate question to raise if a schizophrenic or bipolar or otherwise psychotic person says those words is “...are you taking your medication?” Because believing that you’re not delusional is one of the core hallmarks OF BEING DELUSIONAL.

Literally the definition of a delusion is a belief without evidence that you hold against all odds even in the face of contradictory evidence. If you are sitting there saying EXTRAORDINARY things and requiring zero external evidence to back up your claims and ABSOLUTELY certain in those beliefs no matter what... that’s delusional. Of COURSE you think you’re sane, if you lack insight you simply cannot tell what you’re thinking isn’t rational.

It’s like you are so certain that gravity exists, you can feel it, you can see its’ effects, and you comfortably put your life on the line for gravity a hundred times a day. If someone told you gravity wasn’t real you’d think they sounded mad, and if they told you YOU were the one out of touch, and that actually gravity wasn’t real, you could just look around and go “Uh... obviously you’re wrong.” But if you’re getting bad info into your brain you could be relying on something with JUST AS MUCH certainty and have absolutely no idea or capacity to tell that it’s actually completely wrong, no matter how many times you were told or shown. Medicated psychotic people regain their insight and can say “Sometimes I think things that don’t make sense, and I can tell that they’re not real, and I’m glad I don’t make choices based on that false information.” Unmanaged psychotic people say “I don’t know why I should take some pill, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong at all.”

I just canNOT fathom how any psychiatrist in the world would sit with a known schizophrenic patient who’s describing having active visions, who believes that a god they found in the middle of the forest is sending people to them so they can all be magically healed by them, and not IMMEDIATELY say to themselves “Hmm, this person is clearly having a psychotic event, is clearly in a tough spot, and needs their meds adjusted and maybe we should look into their wellbeing in the short term.”

All of which led me to suddenly jump up in my chair and shout “OH MY GOD” at my poor friend who was watching with me. Because I think that Lottie is being manipulated. I think that someone’s been fucking with her meds. I think that someone got rid of her real psychiatrist and replaced him with a plant. I think the new psych is either trying to encourage her to become a more invested cult leader, possibly the cult is becoming like... more intense without her knowledge and they’re trying to turn her into a saint by removing her meds and encouraging her delusions. OR someone is trying to work out what REALLY happened in the woods and they’re manipulating her so that she’ll tell them the full story while she’s vulnerable and confused.

Either way, I’m 99.9% sure someone’s deliberately fucking with her at this point, and it’s actually really pissing me off because I can’t stand seeing vulnerable people, esp mentally ill people, being manipulated and used. It’s a HUGE thing for me, and ... aaaaaah whoever’s behind this shit I hope they meet Shauna on a very bad day.

[callsigndreadfrost]

I saw a Tag talking about how you sometimes think about having Jelani heal from their trauma but you'd rather keep them in the space they are in.

I just wanted to say you've done a terrific job showing how slow the healing process is with all your boys! Even if he never fully heals he has had such a fun (thats a word for it) journey and seeing how he and Angelus balance each other out and keep each other grounded is such a great way for the characters to experience the horros but still have a place to go and repair themselves.

<333

Okay first of all, thank you! OMG that is some serious high praise especially when it comes from someone as important to me as you are. Holy shit! Totally flattered right now! I saw this ask way, way earlier but had to get some cleaning done and was on standby due to car problems but I wanted to get this answered and if you don't mind me saying I'm gonna word vomit the heck out of this with so many details.

Read more's there for length.

I'm always worried that I misrepresent some things when it comes to trauma responses and after effects of it. I do so much research and add in my own experiences with stuff. I go over it over and over and over and read so much on the subject that it tends to get to me sometimes but I want this to feel as real as it feels for me.

Also, in the case of their Fallout counterparts, I didn't want a happy-go-lucky AU, I have so many others for that but mainly the Skyrim AU for it. When I revamped it (Fallout AU) I was determined for it to be the AU I come back to when I'm not doing good because as sick as it sounds it's my balm. Those three shorts I wrote are just messed the fuck up but I was going through some shit and I needed to hurt myself in a healthier way if that makes sense.

Also confession time: most of what happened in the Fallout AU is stuff taken from Oracle. Things I've only ever hinted at but was never blatant about. So yeah, long winded way of saying that what happened to Jelani in Fallout happened to him in Oracle, just slightly different and for other reasons. I feel like I downplay his trauma of it in Oracle a lot but in Oracle he was able to get help and he wasn't alone to deal with that trauma. Did it affect him? Yes, very much so, something like that isn't just tossed under the carpet and forgotten. But he had Loke, Angelus and Trevor to help him through it, not to mention actual professional help too in the form of therapy. The worst part was dealing with the guilt because he felt like he'd betrayed Angelus by letting it happen, that took him a long time to come to terms with but Angelus was right there for him. Honestly, who better than his own, at the time, boyfriend who went through years of that shit himself. Literally no one else could understand what he was going through better than him. Not Loke and not Trevor. Then years later when he dealt with Iain who outed what happened to him to everyone else opened up those old wounds if only for a little bit. Then his suicide attempt because of the whole Iain thing and finding out he's the Arch-Maker--She really messed him up emotionally and psychologically, the damage She did to him was massive and from that point on it affected him as a person and would play a part in how he dealt with future problems. Once again Angelus was there to help him through it and he was the best to do so because he understood what it was like to have that kind of self-loathing. Angelus spent almost 2 centuries hating his own existence and during that time he tried to kill himself so many times it's almost obscene to think about. So when Jelani was hurting so much that he wanted to end his own life Angelus was the perfect balance to it. That little puppy picked up the pieces because not only had Jelani done the same thing for him for centuries, he understood what it was like to go through something like that and knew him well enough to know what to do with and for him.

Then years later after the Halo virus caused him to lose control all those feelings of self-loathing came back along with a guilt that was rotting him on the inside. Again, Angelus understood. Angelus was conditioned by his abusers to believe that he's a monster and one that will eventually hurt those that he loves so he was the best one to help his,now husband, through it because Jelani felt the same way.

Both of them have a lot of trauma and they balance each other. When one's injured the other helps him and cares for him. They have such a deep love for one another that they can heal each other. Not to mention Loke, Trevor and Uthorim are there too, can't forget them.

In Fallout it played out a little different. When it happened to Jelani it was more brutal and a lot sicker in my opinion, not only that but he was left for dead and was threatened to not say anything or else they'd find him and Loke, do it again in front of Loke and then kill Loke. Not only did they do that but they threatened him with taking away one of the two people he had left. On top of all of that it happened when he was only a 17-year-old kid. I'm not downplaying severity of traumatic events due to age (Fallout he was 17 and in Oracle he was 1,126). However, like I said, in Oracle he managed to get help and had a support system. In Fallout it happened and in that same month he thought Loke had died so for a year he was completely by himself dealing with crippling trauma that led to him attempting suicide several times. It wasn't until he met Angelus that he found some sort of support.

Angelus was a huge help. Lol now that I think about it, Angelus is the only one in that AU that has zero traumas and pretty much never had anything bad happen to him. I mean, was his childhood ideal? No. Did his grandmother sell him to an ex-raider? Yeah. But if you ask him he had the time of his life and honestly he really doesn't care about any of that. Anyway, he didn't exactly know what to do with Jelani but damn it did he not try his best and I think that was nicely displayed during the second short where he talked Jelani out of shooting himself and the way he talked to him and asked what he was comfortable with. Even at its darkest that AU still has so much fluff in it between them. Even when it comes to sex Angelus is there helping him recover by being someone he can trust. One of his biggest fears is expressing his own desires when it comes to sex because he is TERRIFIED that Angelus or whoever he's having sex with will get angry and hurt 'im. So when it involves Jelani it's always really soft and tender, a lot of loving and reassuring words.

((I'm not sure if you wanna continue the polycule between Uth and the boys in Oracle and other AUs or just the Skyrim AU. That's why I left that last bit ambiguous. But I am game for it on everything but only IF you want to (don't feel pressured to, I so seriously don't wanna limit your options). 'Cause quite honestly I love the chemistry between 'em all. I think that even though sex is a vital part to their relationship it also goes beyond that, like they genuinely care and love each other in ways that are hard to put into words 'cause their actions towards one another speak better and louder.))

Like no matter how dark Oracle or the AUs (again, exception being Skyrim) can get I like to make it fluffy to even it out. And you know what even the Skyrim AU has it's share of not so nice things what with the whole Loke having to run away from home because Iain wanted to kill Jelani (at the time a baby that was less than a year old) out of some delusional sense of revenge. Angelus running away from home because his grandmother wanted to make sure he didn't "sully" the family line like his mother did and basically raising him to think the A.D. were good.

Jelani and Angelus balance each other out in this one pretty well too. Like, Angelus's entire world view is very skewed and wrong because of his upbringing and he's just angry. Deep down, behind all the glamour, the pretty words, the elegant jewels and expensive clothes and that air of superiority he is ANGRY. So meeting Jelani just kinda felt like he cooled down his anger towards everything and everyone. Jelani, Loke, Uthorim and Trevor really turned him around and he learned that his grandmother was completely wrong and to be fair to him he never really bought into the A.D. propaganda, he was just expected to and the only person in his life who was very anti-A.D. died when he was super young so he didn't have a countering point of view to his grandmother's upbringing. The Angelus a year after he moved in with the boys is an entirely different one than when he first got to Skyrim. Well, for the better anyway, he's still a spoiled brat of an elf with a superiority complex about him, it's just that now he's not an asshole about it surrounded by people that love him and he loves back.

But yeah, holy shit, long way of saying that yes, I do take great care in how I try to manage their traumas and the way they deal with 'em. Some get mostly better, like the Oracle version of Angelus and even then I think you can recover from traumatic events but you will never go back to the way you were before it happened. It took Angelus such a long time to get to the point where he had enough of punishing himself and even if Jelani was right there for him every step of the way he was the one that had to make that choice for himself. I wanted to move him past all that and I did. He's so much better now, I'd say since the 1970s. He still has moments and days that are much harder to deal with stuff but he actually wants to move past shit and has an excellent support system like Jelani who would do anything for him.

When it comes to Jelani he mostly recovered from his assault, took a few years but he recovered. The thing that to this day eats at him is guilt. He feels so much guilt for technically everything and to be honest it's all in his head but no matter how much therapy or medication he's given it just doesn't go away which was greatly exacerbated after he found out he's the Arch-Maker. He also has bouts where he feels alienated and lonely even though he isn't and he's aware of it but it just comes on and no amount of logic will pry those feelings from his head. He's torn between two identities, divine and non-divine, and it conflicts him a lot. Oracle Jelani is wounded, he's trying his best and for the most part you can see it but sometimes that wound opens up again and festers for a little bit and he has to balance dealing with it and going on with life.

Fallout version of Jelani is very broken, he went through a horror that a lot of people don't survive either by the person(s) responsible for it or by the victim's own hand. Like I said, I wanna keep him in that space he's in for selfish reasons and to be honest not everyone recovers and I wanna show that side too. Within Oracle you see a Jelani (Angelus as well, credit where credit is due) that managed to recover from surviving such a traumatic event but the Fallout version really didn't and it affects his life pretty heavily and it may be ugly but that's the reality of it.

There is the topic of whether I want him to get some type of closure by killing that ones that...you know...but in all honesty I think it'd be in vain and would only end up hurting him more. He cannot see or smell rum much less drink it because it reminds him of the man that orchestrated the entire thing so seeing him would send him into a panic. Not to mention he's a serious piece of shit, this man is not gonna go down without a fight or without saying and doing things that'll outright trigger him. As much of a capable marksman that he is Jelani would freeze like a baby deer in headlights and that could lead to getting assaulted again because let's face it, that man wouldn't be above doing it again and that's just bad all around.

The idea of revenge is not very realistic. Yes, in Oracle Loke, Angelus and Trevor got to the group that assaulted Jela but that kill was more for Loke if we're being brutally honest. They hurt his brother, they went after his brother. Keyword here being his. True revenge would've been if Jelani himself would've pulled the trigger but he didn't, he really didn't wanna face them again. He wanted to forget it ever happened and put it behind him. Loke, Angelus and Trevor were the ones that wanted recompense for what was done to their brother/boyfriend/friend. Same thing goes for the Fallout version. And to be honest exposing him to that would do more harm than good. To be honest, if I ever do write it it might be that I'm going through something and need to reach into dark content because no matter what the outcome won't land in Jelani's favor.

Honestly I have so much more to say on this topic but it's already really long.

[bitethedevil]

Writer game!

What recurring themes/topics in your writing do you have?

TW: Talk of Abuse and Trauma

Also: beware of spoilers if you haven't yet read Living with The Devil You Know and want to.

I think in general there’s a big theme of trauma and abusive and toxic behavior in my writing. This is also why I prefer writing Dark!Raphael. It’s almost hard not to include those subjects with him, which might be why I’m enjoying writing him so much. I’ve directed plays in the past, and for some reason the major theme in those plays have always ended up being trauma.

It’s an interesting concept to explore I think, and perhaps also, on a more personal note, because I find it therapeutic to explore it through art. Also, before I keep yapping, I also just want to say that there is no wrong way to experience trauma, and that the things I write about are mainly from my own perspective and things I have learned about myself through dealing with my past and by talking to others with similar experiences (Nothing to worry about at all btw, I am better than I have ever been. Therapy is a godsend).

I try to make it as realistic as I can. Such as small things and reactions from my characters that I don’t blatantly point out is due to trauma, but it makes sense in that context.

My best example is Tav in ‘Living with The Devil You Know’ (Spoilers). She’s grown up with a cruel father who beat her, and it’s hinted at that he also verbally abused her. Her trauma presents itself both mentally and physically in the form of the burn scars on her face that she had chosen to hide for years.

Ironically, it’s Raphael who reveals them, even though he is the same kind of man as her father was. She shows it to him without knowing if he accepts her for it or he simply does it to ‘pour salt in the wound’, so to speak. Tav also learns that just ignoring her scars of the past, metaphorically and literally, does not mean that they have gone away.

On the other hand, she also continues the cycle of abuse in a way. She’s cold, selfish and overly practical at times towards other people, because that is how she has learned to survive. She begins to see herself as evil instead of trying to understand where it is all coming from, which I think unfortunately is very realistic for many survivors of abuse. It’s much easier to simply demonize oneself than to start dealing with the past and explore where those survival mechanisms are coming from.

I also think their relationship is depressingly representative of a lot of abusive and toxic relationships. I think that very few people figure out immediately that ‘Oh shit. My partner is cruel and abusive towards me, and they are actually not a good person’. It’s more ‘Oh they did manipulate me that one time, and they did do that other horrible thing too, but other times they are really nice and loving! They’re human too and makes mistakes!”.

Tav rationalizes the shit out of everything that man does A LOT. I love writing characters like that. With Tav specifically, her tragic flaw is that she has been abused in the past. She knows how it works. She is aware of what’s going on. And still: a part of her thinks she deserves it, because she sees herself as ‘evil’ too.

(Spoilerspoilerspoiler if you haven’t read the latest chapter. Though it is pretty obvious that it would happen eventually) Even after she is freed, as she has longed for, she goes right back to him, though she knows exactly what kind of person he is. Because the depressing truth about a lot of untreated trauma is that abuse and evil starts feeling safer and more like home, than a functional relationship ever could, because such a relationship is unknown.

I find Raphael interesting for many reasons, but the themes of abuse and toxicity are so interesting for me to work with when it comes to him, because it just makes sense. An abusive relationship with an abusive person on paper sounds horrible and one might not understand how those things even happen. Like why would a person ever “”accept”” being abused?

But then you see someone like Raphael, who we all know is an evil little shit, and we still love him. We still want to be with him, and we are still attracted to him. He has his redeeming qualities and it’s very possible that he has been through some shit himself, sure, but that’s the point: such is the case with most abusers. They don’t appear as monsters or devils (though Raphael quite literally does), they appear as nuanced human beings. Doesn’t make them less abusive or dangerous though.

I like writing about conflicted people who does things against their best interests, because they have been somehow wired or indirectly forced to do so. I like making my characters take decisions that are objectively ‘stupid’, but still make myself (and the reader, hopefully) think about if I really would have done much differently given the same circumstances?

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

(And thank you so much for letting me participate and giving the opportunity to yap about my writing <3<3)

[ikamigami]

I miss Old Moon. At this point, Old Moon was nicer to everyone than New Moon is. He sympathized with villains, he actually CHECKED IN on his family- kept them in the loop about things- Told his brother that he loved him more than once every six months!!!

I WANT to like New Moon, but they're making it harder and harder to continue doing so.

And I think with Earth's therapy sessions going on, Old Moon could work through his anger issues & other trauma.

No one was given time to grieve. No one gets to talk about him because it makes New Moon uncomfortable- hhhhh How am I supposed to finish this "Sun-gets-hurt-BAD" fic if I can't bring myself to LIKE THIS GUY anymore?!

Old Moon wasn't bad person. That's for sure. But he was very abusive towards Sun. He loved Sun but he was showing it rarely. And believe me when I say that but I'm sure that Old Moon would totally blame Sun for what happened last year. Because OM already was acting as if the trauma he had to endure was Sun's fault. I don't miss Old Moon that much because he was unable to change towards Sun. And in my eyes it's important because Sun was the closest person to OM for goodness sake! And yet he treated villains with more understanding and compassion than his own brother. Nothing can excuse the abuse he inflicted on Sun. Showrunners were showing us times and times again that OM was unable to change towards Sun to the point that I didn't want to watch the episodes with him...

New Moon is like total opposite to Old Moon. I mean his actions are a total opposite cause he really is showing Sun that he cares about him more than Old Moon but when it comes to villains he treats them awfully. There's zero understanding and compassion towards them. Yes, New Moon doesn't realise that his actions affect Sun badly but because his paranoia is blinding him. I'm happy that New Moon doesn't blame Sun for anything that happened. Also New Moon is willing to change but he's too much focused on being not like Old Moon plus his paranoia is getting in the way.

Old Moon and New Moon has so much in common and yet they're so so different. New Moon has his flaws but I think that his willingness to change will help him change. Both of them realise the issues they have but Old Moon didn't want to do anything about that. He was unwilling to change. New Moon on the other hand is trying to be better. He's taking some actions towards that. The problem is that the actions he's taking are not the best.

And Solar the only one person who spends the most time with New Moon besides Sun is unable to stop Moon in his tracks because he is similar in the regard of paranoia and how he treats villains. Both Solar and Moon don't care about villains. Solar is just more calm. Which I believe that Old Moon would have similar approach.

Idk if Earth would be able to help Old Moon. He should had to be willing to take action towards bettering himself. And OM had really hard time with that.

I'm certainly mad at New Moon for being too pissed off at Sun for lying to him that he didn't care even to listen to Sun. But at least New Moon can apologize to others! Unlike Old Moon. He apologize to Sun once and it still was not that good. But I'm totally mad that he didn't apologize to Sun in his last message! Vsjabsksks

Both Old Moon and New Moon are pretty much egotistic individuals and that's why Old Moon was focused too much on his own pain and trauma to the point that he didn't care about Sun's well-being. Sun's psychotic episode wouldn't be that bad if Old Moon was taking care of Sun better. New Moon on the other hand can't extend his compassion towards villains. His compassion ends on his family. I think that it's understandable. He needs more time to learn how to be more sympathetic towards villains. But we need to understand that New Moon doesn't have any reasons to learn that. In his eyes it's pointless. They're villains who hurt his family so he doesn't have any sympathy for them.

But I think that if New Moon was shown why it's better to treat others even if they're villains more nicely, he would do that. I'm almost 100% sure that he'll learn things the hard way by losing Sun because of his bad decisions.

Anyway New Moon has flaws but I'd take him over Old Moon any day.

People can still like and prefer Old Moon and dislike New Moon. I also had a time when I was angry at New Moon with the way he was towards Sun. But when I understand him more now I can't help but to feel sympathy towards him. Unlike with Old Moon whom I tried to give benefit of doubt at first but later I found myself unable to sympathise with him. I don't hate OM though. But I'm honestly glad that the reset happened. Even if I really wanted for Old Moon to change towards Sun I doubt that he would be able. And Sun is affected by Old Moon's abuse to this day. And it still affects Sun the most. More than any other experience in his life.

Another important thing is that both Old Moon and New Moon has questionable morals but I think that people are seeing that more in New Moon because he hates their blorbo villains. On the other hand I still see that some people don't see how much Old Moon was abusive towards Sun which irks me tbh...

It seems that we have to agree to disagree. But that's okay with me ^^

In addition I say that New Moon's experience is pretty similar to New BM's and now New Eclipse's because all of them had their past be shown to them. They experienced their past in third person's p.o.v. It's very interesting and I think that it's intentional.

[system-of-a-feather]

So I was getting off work and talking to one of the therapists I work with and they commented that it's "amazing how much life you've lived despite being so young" and honestly... of course I've lived a lot of life, I've lived my own life over at least 10 times worth - each with a drastically different perspective and narrative. I may only be 23, but the amount of time I spent going my life and the parts that stood out the most to each version of myself that existed to heal, I might as well have fit 200 years of life into 23.

Of course I'm not claiming to be the same as someone who is 200, but narrative, I have so many stories and telling of my life and those that have been in it, so many stories of successes and losses and stories of doing things from so many different roles and existing as a different person in so so so many spaces, of course it seems like I've lived so much life.

I think in some ways, that's a thing I really appreciate about having DID / having had DID. I've been able to experience my life in so many different angles, view points, perspectives - I have memories of being vulnerable and having someone there internally to pick me up against the chaos of life; I have memories of seeing a vulnerable child lost in hell and putting myself out there to help them despite my own uncertainty; I have memories of being a terrified lonely child scared of their family and just wanting someone to save them, and I also have memories of being an "older sister" of sorts and being angry that anyone would leave such a sad and scared kid to feel this way; I have memories of loosing my whole world and blaming myself for it, I have memories of seeing someone feel themselves loose everything they cared for and having to figure out how to help them out.

I have memories of disagreeing with another version of myself about how to care for a part that couldn't speak for themselves. I have memories of fearing loosing control of myself and hurting someone. I have memories of actively wanting to hurt as many people as I could. I have memories of wanting to die. I have memories of wanting to kill 'me' even at the cost of myself.

There has been so much that I've done - each life event spawned 20+ different narratives and perspectives and ways of understanding how things happened, and now that they are all in front of me and open for me to look at and look through, I enjoy changing my hats from one hat to the next and experiencing the same world, the same life in a different lens - a different unreliable narrator and really find myself able to collect more and more insight from each slightly different perspective.

I honestly am thankful I had DID for the insight, experience, and life it has given me. I am also thankful that I had DID because it made my traumatic life more manageable, more tolerable and healing... oddly fun. I am thankful that DID made it so that trauma work became somewhat fun as it now is an honor to be able to meet those vulnerable parts of myself and help them feel comfortable in a much much more literal sense than most do - even in IFS therapy.

I am thankful DID made me nurture such a strong sense of self love, self worth, and self compassion.

[broadwaybalogna]

Times I’ve inserted myself onto Zuko or Katara and helped myself.

I JUST made a post about self inserting on Katara and also Zuko and how it’s okay. This post will go over times I’ve done it and how I was able to help myself through rough times.

1. An except from “They Say Beauty is Pain”, a fic I wrote surrounding body image and dysmorphia.

”I don’t know. I guess I just…” she struggled to find the words to explain her feelings, “for lack of a better term, wish I liked my body more?”

[…]

”I think there are parts of ourselves that we all fail to understand and accept,” he finally began after a long pause. “I mean, look at me. I have a huge scar on my face but you sit next to me and tell me how beautiful it makes me. […] The same goes for you. […] Whatever you may dislike about yourself, I know I love it more than you could imagine. […] We all have things we’re insecure about, yeah. But I think the opinions that matter most are those closest to us and can best shape us to love ourselves the most. If that even makes sense.”

This entire one-shot was me writing about my experience with my body. As a firm hurt/comfort lover, I had to find a way for Katara (or me) to be comforted. This can go for my readers as well, people who may associate themselves with Katara and also suffer from body image issues can (I hope) read this and feel comforted about themselves.

2. An except from “Sleep When You Can, My Dear (I’ll Be Here When You Wake)” a fic I wrote about taking meds and the effects it can have on a person.

”For a long time, I didn’t know who I was without my trauma. It shaped my entire personality to who I am today. Every piece of me became what it was because of my own suffering. I didn’t know how different I would be if I… healed. The idea of a version of myself that wasn’t who I was in that moment was scary… But I realized, over time, that even though those moments will forever shape who I am as a person, they don’t have to define me. I am not some girl who lost her mother two years ago and goes to therapy for it. I’m more than that. And you’re more than the boy with father issues who needs medication. We improve ourselves each day by living and accepting that we can be better. And I look forward to knowing that the next day, I’ll get new experiences that will shape who I become.”

Guys, I can only write stuff like this by putting myself into the characters shoes. I actually technically inserted myself into BOTH Katara and Zuko to write this. How would I react to someone saying this? How would I comfort my partner (if I had one)?

3. An except from “The Psychology of a Test” which is about finding a balance between school and life.

“Zuko,” Katara finally said, lowering her voice and finally becoming more calm, “I don’t really know much about your relationship with your dad- or school. But it was so nice seeing you actually happy and talking these past few days. It really put things into perspective for me. I realize that I’ve been studying so much all the time, that I never thought about how it affected you. I’m sorry.”

“What? No, don’t be sorry. My relationship with school is.. complicated at best, but in no way is any of it your fault,” he sat up to face Katara, “but I have realized how much more I like being free. I just need to find a balance.”

“Could I- could I help you find it?” Katara asked after a short moment has passed.

“I’d love that.”

Many published authors will say that what they write is based on real experiences they have gone through. Why is it okay for published authors to do this and not fanfiction authors?

Don’t let ANYONE tell you that you can’t write characters to connect with you.

You CAN.