#and another much worse one today
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#i have had a fucked up digestion lately#wish it would stop#i mean it's clearly my own fault for eating stuff that shouldn't have been eaten#but i didn't KNOW it had gone bad :(#had a mild bout of food poisoning recently#and another much worse one today#called out sick and basically haven't been able to leave the bathroom all day#good times#learn from my errors my friends:#if something in your fridge is a little bit old but 'probably still good'#DO NOT EAT IT#cosmo gyres#personal#tag rant#health#illness cw
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RealAgeAu Drabble - Cafe Gossip
I am back with another Drabble <3 It is another kitty one hihi.
First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble
Also. @spotaus You better be ready :D
Timeline wise? about like... 9 months after nightmare got deaged. Guys have been in farmtale for like half a year (so where the gang is it is winter)
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Ccino sighs as he tries to find the damn cattoy. He swears Berry hid it somewhere around the cattree. He just knows. He can see Berry staring at him with joy as Ccino searches.
Ccino huffs as he shoots a glare at Berry "Anyone saying you don't like pranks is a filthy liar."
Berry has the nerve to jump down and nuzzle him with a purr before wandering off.
Ccino starts to doubt if the toy is actually here. He sighs and sits down at the base for a moment. Watching as Dream's cat version, Sun, rushes by. Sniffing, searhcing and crying loudly.
Sun makes a lot of noise as he goes and it breaks Ccino's soul.
Sun rushes to another room and a lot of noise comes from it. Well, that doesn't matter really.
It isn't like he gets cross-universe customers anymore anyway.
Ccino used to be a bit of a hotspot for other travelers. They all loved to visit him and eat as his cafe.
But... well.
That changed when he heard people whine about the damage that Nightmare and his gang had done.
And ccino had questioned why they thought they knew better than an actual god whoes job it was to do what he was doing.
That had just been the start. people said he agreed with what they were doing and how. Ccino tries to explain multiple times he doesn't say what happens is right. but he also tried to explain that just that it is stupid to think they knew better if they don't even know their reasons.
Quite a few insults his way later and the customers left.
It continued like that for a while. Now his place is a lot more quiet than it used to be. Ccino doesn't mind however. Honestly? this way at least the special cats cna mvoe around freely without Ccino having to be worried someone will connect the dots.
And people from his own universe still visit anyway so he is good still.
Ccino sighs as he rises to his feet and quickly goes to the counter. he crouches down and opens a cabinet and smiles softly "hey there Noot." he slowly reaches his arm and hand inside.
Noot blinks his one good eye open and sniffs the hand. then he pushes his head into Ccino's hands for pets which he happily gives one of his favourite cats.
Noot purrs loudly and Ccino feels a part of him relaxes. At least Noot didn't seem to get worse and evne the vet agreed.
...
Look maybe he shouldn't have taken a cat that is somehow connected to a very important person in the multiverse but Ccino was panicking!
He was so afraid Noot had been dying and by expansion Nightmare! He got the cat packed up and took him to the vet.
Ccino doesn't think he ever heard Murder, Oreo, Stain or Rust sound that panicked. ever. ccino had felt horrible about taking Noot away form them. The tiny kitten crying had been soulbreaking.
But he needed to be sure. So he took Noot straight to the vet and waited.
After a long examination and some vague lies the vet reassured him that Noot was just an old cat. To make sure the cat was comfortable and to let him rest his body when he felt the need.
ccino had felt such intense relieve he doesn't think anything is going to meassure up to that. ever. He happily took Noot back to the cafe and let him and the others of his little cat gang cuddle as he got to work.
He hallowed out one of the cabinets and made a comfortable little cat den for Noot and any of the cats that followed him around.
Ccino sneaks a look into the cabinet and smiles "alone today?"
Noot just keeps nuzzling his hand.
a sound of something landing. Ccino glances up and sees Murder on top of the counter, staring menacingly at him, which is sightly ruined by the cute kitten he holds in his mouth.
Murder huffs and quickly jumps down and climbs into the little cubby. He lays the kitten right by noot before starting to groom the bigger cat.
Ccino chuckles before rising back to his feet. He leans on his hand as he watches his cafe and keeps an eye on his cats.
Eventually Ccino's eye lights find a pamphlet. He takes it into his hands and rereads it.
It is a message from the Stars. a short explanation that Dream had been in the wrong and making things worse while Nightmare had been helping people.
It felt amazing being right.
Ccino chuckles as he hangs it on the news board before moving back to the counter. His mind thinking back to the one time he met the Stars... It had been ages ago. Back when the Stars patrolled the multiverse for the Crescents. longer than a year ago...
Ccino sighs as he grabs Stain off the counter again. He tried to give the cat a strict look "don't do that. you could get hurt." Stain just makes a little blep as he stares at him.
Ccino chuckles as he puts the cat back to the ground. Stain looks insulted by the very idea of it before huffing and walking off.
He smiles at the cats carefully before stretching his limbs out.
All in all it had been rather quiet today. Some customers had come by and one of the older cats had been adopted. it always warmth his soul to see one of the older gentle cats finally finding their forever home.
The bell rings and Ccino looks up with a smile "Welcome to the Cuddle Cat!" then he sees who it are and freezes.
He never actually met or saw them in person before. His little corner in his nowhere cafe wasn't exactly a big place. it was just a quiet spot people who wandered lost tended to find. It is how most of his cats arrive here too.
So no. He had never truly expected the Stars to just walk in.
The three walk over with purpose and the one with the golden crown smiles brightly. Ccino immediantly knows this is Dream. Mostly because well... it is just the shape of Dream's face is exactly like Nightmare's...
Dream doesn't seem to notice or maybe he assumes his shock is because of awe? Ccino doesn't feel excited. in matter of fact. he feels a bit sick. Wait! What time is it?!
He glances at the clock. okay. okay. it is only 3. that gives him enough time to get these three out before Ngihtmare's normal arrival time.
Oh shit he really is going to lie to the Stars isn't he?! No Ccino. don't panic. Maybe they won't even ask about that stuff?
Dream starts speaking and Ccino focusses back on him. Dream smiles as he speaks "Hello, I am Dream. and these are my teammates Blue and Ink." Blue waves when his name is said and Ink puffs up his chest when he is named. Dream smiles "We are the Stars. we protect the multiverse."
Ccino gives a slow nod "Yeah.. I heard about you guys. euh... welcome to my cafe. it is a cat shelter and cafe in one, if you wish i could tell you a bit about the concept?" when in doubt return to your customer service lines and voice. go full npc.
Drema blinks before looking curiously at the cats. he gives a smaller smile "I would love to hear it.".
Strange. This smile seems more honest to Ccino. Well, not his business.
The cafe however is!
Ccino takes a moment to explain how this place takes in wadnering cats nad helps them heal and socialise until they are ready to be adopted out again. The cafe is to encourage people to relax with some food and drinks to get familiar with the different cats.
At the end Ccino smiles "Would you like to order something?"
Ink grins and looks proud "We are the saviors of the multiverse!" he grins and looks pointedly at the food items "These all look very good! I would love to have some."
Ccino immediatnly feels done with all three of them even as Dream and Blue give Ink disapproving looks. Ccino had 'famous' customers before. Mettaton tries it each time.
Ccino smiles brightly back "Well! Let me know which one you want to buy! The prices are right by the display."
Ink blinks at him wiht two questionmarks in his eyes. Ccino jsut keeps smiling.
Ink frowns before grinning again "We are saviors. It would be very nice to be given thanks."
Ccino tilts his skull "What did you save us from exactly? I don't feel very saved. Not to forget. I don't do special discounts. if you want something you can pay for it."
Ink glares but Blue stops himw ith a shake of his skull. Blue pulls him back and Ccino can hear Blue berate Ink for acting entitled and just because some people gave him stuff deosn't mean everyone has to.
Dream smiles "Sorry for him." he pulls out a wallet and looks through the many different types of money and gold in there "Three chocolate milks and three shortcakes please."
Ccino nods as he gives the price before turning to make the drinks and get the cakes. It only takes a moment to ready the drinks and food and give them over in trade for the money.
Ccino gives them a smile and motions them towards the table as he turns to put the money away.
A moment later and Ccino can't help but feel like he is being watched. He looks over and sees the stars drinking but also quietly talking. Ccino notices the glances shot his way and it makes him a bit nervous.
It isn't like he made it a secret that he didn't allow slander of Ngihtmare nad his gang in here. maybe that protective feeling he had was going to get him into trouble after all. But how could he not? It wasn't his fault that he had found Nightmare sound asleep in the reading chair before, using his tendrils to wrap around himself as all the gang cats laid around him.
Ccino felt justified in his protective feelings.
silence surrounds them as ccino just does what he usually does.check inventory. check the cats. make sure the machines are clean.
The stars take a long time. it is already past four before Ink and Blue leave.
Only Drema walks voer to him with a gentle smile. Ccino raises a brow "Was something wrong with your order?"
Dream blinks and shakes his skulll "no! Not at all! It was amazing! It is just... I wanted to talk."
Ccino frowns and gives a slow nod "Well. It is quiet now so it should be fine. is there something wrong?"
Dream takes a deep sigh "It is... about my brother." his soul freezes and Dream gives a gentle smile "I have heard.. rumours that he visited this place. I wanted to be sure everythign is okay. and if you dind't realise at least warn you!"
Ccino frowns as he turns back to the machine "I have been clear to everyone in here. I don't allow slander."
Dream frowns as he looks unsure "and I admire that! But... it is for your own safety. If my brother visits this place I need to know. especially when he does."
Ccino shoots him a glare "and why woudl you ened that? To control my place? to control who is allowed to come here and go?"
Drema sputters and backs off looking shocked "of course not! It is for safety reasons!"
Ccino huffs as he crosses his arms "Give me the reason. Because no one here has ever been brought into any danger from Nightmare or the crescents. The people who make the most trouble are those who feel entitled to things or information or feel like they have any say in what i do with MY business."
Dream just gapes at him. clearly unsure what to do or say next. a bit of doubt appears on his face as he rubs his arm "I am just trying to help..."
Ccino huffs as he turns abck to the spotless counter to clean nothing "Give it to someone who actually asked for it or wanted it. I don't need anyone spreading hate and rumours in my place."
Dream just stared at him but afterwards he left.
Ccino is still unsure where he had gotten that bravery from. Protective feelings are overpowered honestly.
The Stars never returned.
Of course they didn't. Ccino had made it clear he didn't want them there at least.
It did slow his customers though and it was a shame to see that happen but at least he ddin't have to worry as much.
Well, that was before Ngihtamre disappeared without a trace.
THe bell rigns.
Ccino looks up and says his greeting wiht his normal smile "Welcome to the Cuddly Cat-" and he freezes.
Because that is Dream. Looking nervous and shy as he waves.
Ccino doesn't even think as he glares before speaking "Well if it isn't the god that didn't evne bother to read his own job description."
Ccino expected a lot.
He did not expect Dream to start laughing before smiling happily a she answers "I know right? I made a mess of things... It is just..." he rubs his arm "I heard you have... very special cats and i was hoping to meet them?"
Ccino wants to say no. Tell him to leave.
But...
The pamphlet.
The fact that Dream's cat version had been screaming his little head off searching for Noot.
Ccino sighs as he waves him up "make sure to turn the sign to closed please."
May as well see this mess through.
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#utmv#realageau#ccino sans#dream sans#Another Ccino drabble! :D#I just had this idea and i wrote the other one to set this one up a bit hihihihi#No baby today sadly.#instead you get cats and kitten! :D#Not much to say. aside from that i make the mess that is my links and stuff worse lmao#OH WAIT!#As for why no one really notices the special cats?#it is a universe things.#people who wish to use the cats against the counterparts are unable to connect the dots on who the cats are.#others can see the ressemblance.#it is why it wasn't until dream wished to make up and fix things he realised the cats looked like the others and himself.#it is a universe hard code to protect the universe and keep it stable!#Okay i am done :D
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UUGHH I JUST HAD THE WORST DAY IM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED GRRRR !!!!! goes to draw my best friend @jumjum-crafts 's guy to blow off steam
★ version without text + reference image under cut :
★ song : "STATIC ELECTRICITY HUMAN – Computer Flavor" – kairikibear
#before you ask . dear jummy – yes . this was what the ask i sent you the other day was alluding to#i have a very complicated relationship with your colin . but you should be aware of the fact that seeing him invokes intense primitive –#– feelings within me . and one cannot decipher whether they are positive or negative#in any case#JDHDHDJRJRHT I HATE MY LIFE#I HATE THIS SHIT#I WANT TO BE DEAD#there's so much stuff happening every day and im constantly overwhelmed and tired and it's so hard to get out of bed and i don't even want –#– to wake up in the morning . every day just gets worse than the last#everyone around me is doing so much . living their life to the fullest . making huge future and career decisions and planning way ahead#and what am i doing ?#im laying in bed . crying because today was just too much to bear . trying to gain an ounce of happiness by ripping out another piece of –#– my soul to hand out to someone i admire#is this what it's going to be like forever ? bleak nothingness ? constant desolation ?#...#im gonna go to bed#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis colin#colin the computer#fanart#fanart for a friend#vocaloid#vocaloid inspired#i actually had a lot of fun with this . even if the background was the biggest pain i ever had the pleasure of drawing#this entire song makes me feel comfortable#i might make something for someone else#and im debating if im actually gonna be doing a halloween drawing in the first place . at least one that will be on time with the holiday#whatever#please ignore me
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The more I learn about Civil War politics, the more I'm convinced that Lincoln's most impressive and useful leadership trait was that he never let his pride get in the way of doing his job.
Other people in Lincoln's position would have come to Washington with something to prove. They'd have resented the insults and tried to disprove them. They'd have tried to seize power and credit, rejected help, spent a lot of time trying to reach a certain level of respect.
Lincoln's response to, "You're just a backwoods lawyer with no executive experience who makes too many dumb jokes," was pretty much always, "Yeah. And?" He had no interest in petty personal power plays. He had a country to run. There was a war on. It didn't matter what people thought of him so long as the job got done.
He was aware of his personal shortcomings and was always willing to accept advice and help from people who had more knowledge and experience in certain areas. He presided over a chaotic Cabinet full of abrasive personalities who thought they were better and smarter than him, but he kept working with them because they could get the job done. For example: Stanton was absolutely horrible to him when they were both working as lawyers. Just incredibly mean on a personal level. But when Lincoln needed someone to replace Cameron, he swallowed his pride and appointed Stanton as Secretary of War, where Stanton proceeded to be mean to everyone in the world, but he whipped that department into shape and kept it running efficiently through a very chaotic war. Pretty much no one except Lincoln would have been able to put up with that. He could put up with people who were personally difficult if they could do the job he needed them to do--which he was only able to do because his own ego didn't get in the way.
Lincoln's example is a prime demonstration of how humility isn't underrating yourself--it's being so secure in your own abilities and identity that you don't need to attack anyone or defend yourself to prove your worth. He knew his shortcomings, but he also knew his strengths. He was willing to give other people credit for successes and take blame upon himself for failures if it kept things running smoothly. He was secure enough in his own power that he could deal generously--but firmly--with people who tried to undermine him. In a city full of huge egos, in a profession that rewards puffed-up pride, that levelheaded humility is an extremely rare trait--which is what made it so impressive and effective.
#history is awesome#presidential talk#so i went to a teeny backwater thrift store today#their tiny history book section just happened to have an old lincoln biography#i opened to the page about the cabinet#which describes the situation like 'seward was calling himself premier and lording it over everyone'#'blair was causing problems everywhere'#'welles was insulting everyone in his diary and especially hated stanton grant and seward'#'and stanton hated absolutely everyone in the whole wide world'#and as i was reading this i was internally kicking my legs with excitement and cackling with glee because this is the good stuff#i don't know why but i love these horrible petty men#they're like a bunch of raccoons fighting over territory in a dumpster fire it's so great#i read the whole chapter right there in the store#and it impressed upon me yet again how impressive lincoln was to put up with all these guys#(the writer was a bit simplistic and made a lot of these guys come off as worse than they were)#(like he made seward sound like a complete incompetent when he was a pretty good secretary of state)#(he had some grandiose ideas but the man deserves a lot of credit for keeping england out of the war)#(but for a one-chapter summary of these guys it wasn't exactly wrong and it was a ton of fun)#i very much did not want another book especially another american history book#but it was only fifty cents and i have a pouch full of spare change#and the writer's style was so much fun that i decided to take the book with me#i don't plan to read the whole thing (i'm sick of lincoln bios) but it's fun to dip into for things like this#and i had to talk to you about it
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because i'm predictable, what're bobby and chloe up to in the villain au? or how's the dynamic between sam and dogen since he's taken psychoisolation to the extreme?
Bobby's in a pretty similar position to the regular timeline - at least, at first glance. he's overworked and underpaid, constantly crunching to try and keep on top of the ever-growing mountain of paperwork his superiors keep handing down to him.
but i think the trajectory of his character looks pretty different? he never really met Raz at Whispering Rock. he never got humbled by him, never had to suffer the embarrassment of his spot as top dog being yanked away by some new kid... but he also never really got to go through a lot of the character growth from their ensuing rivalry? he's definitely mellower than he was as a kid, but he's got a lot of unresolved issues bubbling under the surface - anger problems, poor self-esteem, a tendency to lash out at authority figures...
he still really believes in the work he's doing, and wants the Psychonauts to be the force for good he knows they can be. but he's carrying a growing burden of stress and exhaustion, stuck in a toxic work environment that's more likely to change him (or just make him snap) than he is to change it.
his only real friend at the Motherlobe is Chloe. Chloe is... well! again, first-glance, not that much has changed. she works the same job in the Motherlobe's engineering and aerospace department, and she still gets to pursue her childhood fascination with space.
but the harsher work culture and the more pragmatic, efficient environment have exacerbated some of her less personable traits. she's blunt, rude, and almost fanatically devoted to her work, to the exception of basically everything else. her workplace safety standards are lax, and her ethics laxer. she'd sell the Psychonauts out for one corn chip if she thought it'd get her better funding for her pet projects
#my thesis is that Raz and Bobby made each other worse and then better#in this timeline Bobby never hit those lows. but he also never got to grow past them and develop as a person#he /hates/ vau Raz. but it's more as this faceless proxy for everything he hates about the Psychonauts#Raz barely even knows he exists.#Chloe and Bobby are still good buds! and maybe on-again off-again something more#but they're both too... (gestures vaguely) to really hold down a stable relationship as they are now#Chloe also never gets to meet Mirtala in this version of events#and she never gets to have that kind of uncomplicated deeply loving friendship with another kid her age#and among other things she's fundamentally much less well-adjusted because of it#but then isn't everyone in this au lol#villains au#SAM AND DOGEN is good also... i need to chew over that one more#much to think about#but i wanted to draw bobby today so here he is
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drumfire - divinekangaroo - Peaky Blinders (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3
In its infinitely charitable wisdom, St Alban’s opened its black and gold gates to an uncommunicated and unconfirmed teen girl with a poor scholastic record. Mum took them out for milkshakes, which really meant water for Lizzie and a kid-sized milkshake shared between Catherine and Mum, while Mum crowed about how she’d known that baptism would be useful one day. Another legacy from their dearly departed Dad, Mum kissing the photo atop the mantle that night, polishing the frame with her sleeve before putting Dad back into his place.
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A Lizzie Stark modern AU origin story.
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Lizzie Stark/Original Character, Tommy Shelby Arthur Shelby, John Shelby, Freddie Thorne, Johnny Dogs, Ada Shelby, Mrs Stark (Mum), Catherine Stark (Sister), Euan Stark (Dad), William Stark (Cousin) | Modern AU (1990s), High School, Coming of Age, Exploitation, Racism, Class Issues, Sexual Content
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#my writing#peaky blinders#modern AU#lizzie stark#i drank a coffee after 3pm today now here be the consequences. stare aghast at what's been living in my head since may#another genuinely do not know how to tag this one#gratuitous#a great wallow#it gets so much worse
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#if i'm quiet it's bc i'm still processing#i haven't reached the acceptance point pointvand i can't be glib or funny about it#i keep just starting to full-on sob#like a lot of it is selfish - comparatively i'm better off than many and not much will change right away#but i'm old. i'm not super sure i'll make it another 4 years like i just have this feeling i won't#and i'm crying for the loss of what we could have had as much as for all of those who will die#it's almost worse that there was a clear way forward that we took in a better timeline#i'm crying because there's proof that so much of this country is evil and stupid and arrogant and apathetic#huge swathes of it are not but we have to admit that there are a lot of the others#it really is grief for the united states of america that existed and it's selfish and not helpful and i can't stop it yet#today someone i work with really ssid to me 'y'all really think trump is gonna send people to your house and take you away'#and i said he told us he would - he said he would specifically target immigrants and received the reply#'well yeah of course - the illegals ...'#so many folks are already setting their sights on the next fight and ready to roll up their sleeves and keep pushing#and i just can't stop crying#palestine is gone. the supreme court is locked for the rest of my life. who knows if there will ever even be another election#maybe that was the last one. maybe that was the last one women will be able to vote in. who knows.#i remember this feeling from when my parents died but i'm not any better dealing with it now than i was then
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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healing from brain damage is definitely the worst injury ive ever had to heal from so far 😞 this shit is so difficult yall
#tiny bit of my long med history for context:#i have broken my collarbone#i have had my face mauled by a dog where i had to Literally Physically tear it off my face#it locked its jaw around my nose and upper lip#i got like 10 stitches and they had to super glue my nose back together#but uhhhhhh#i got a concussion as a kid that went untreated because our healthcare system is so underfunded and understaffed#and that turned into what the doctors call ''functional nausea and vomiting disorder''#then on monday i got another concussion at work#and holy shit.#second-impact syndrome is a BITCH#im in so much pain if i use my brain at all#hey other dissociative people: you've dissociated from your body but have you ever had to dissociate from your brain?#or is this what being forcefully locked at the front and locked out of headspace feels like?#i think this might be worse though because i cant think at allllllllllllllllllllll#i get delirious if i try 😔#this is so hard#i sobbed in the shower over it for like 30 minutes today lol#i had to sit down in the middle of my shower and it was so hard yall#im trying to hard not to spiral#being vulnerable and putting this on my main instead of hiding it on one of my many many sideblogs#(jsyk if youve read this far then youre allowed to ask me what my active sideblogs are. dms and asks are open)#(@queerlyneurotic is one of my vents and where i usually put sad shit. you get a freebie for reading this.)
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in class today i felt so incredibly out of place again, why does it have to be so hard for me? and, i like this girl, but every single time we have class she mentions her "autism" while happily chatting with 3+ ppl at a time, completely effortless, while im sitting there, staring and trying to focus enough to even understand the conversation bc there is so much noise around me that i feel like i'm about to either explode or shut down completely and i feel like an alien trying my best to somehow socialize and understand what is going on and really to just get through this.
#i feel awful i was so close to just breaking into tears at one point#we had the introduction to greek archaeology course for the first time today and... i hate it#it is so fucking boring#the lecturer is italian and while her english vocabulary is great her accent already makes it hard to understand her but what is worse is#that she completely mispronounces a ton of english words so you constantly have to sorta interpret what she is saying#i genuinely didnt understand at least a third of what she was saying today#and its all “look this painting on this and that vase” and its basically art history and i hate art history i really dont give a shit#and then i felt like i picked the wrong study program and i should just drop out which ofc is complete bullshit bc the courses i have monda#are really interesting as they are about prehistory which i am actually interested in and its ok to not care about certain eras of arch.#we were even told that by one lectures who also didnt give a shit about christian archaeology and was only interested in prehistory#so i know its ok rationally but everything was so awful today that my brain went into doom mode#and earlier my father yapped about the election to my mom while i hid in the bathroom lol and then he said in his horrible condescending#voice how “kamala is so stupid you cant sit her in front of a camera (for an interview)” and how she is “just as dumb as baerbock”#baerbock is a german politician - and obviously a woman#there r a million politicians he could choose from but he went with 2 women#i hate him so fucking much#i am not prone to violent phantasies at all but with him its different#i wish he would just die#ok now that we are so cozy and cheerful in these tags i'm gonna go to bed to spend another shitty day at uni tomorrow goodnight#personal
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the bitter hilarity of not ever wanting to be perceived yet feeling incredibly hurt whenever you’re being overlooked
#I guess it’s one thing to decide for yourself to not see and interact with anyone#and another to get intentionally ignored by someone else#I’m at a point where I don’t want to go out with this friend of mine anymore#because every time we’re anywhere men will instantly come up to her to flirt#and I’m just standing next to her. as if I’m not even there#they will only have eyes for her and ask her questions while I’m right there too#or. even worse. like today. them saying: ‘oh you’re definitely the prettiest’ to her#while I’m standing beside her with only my mom completing our little group#and this has happened ever since we were 14 years old#I just fucking hate men and how bad they make me feel about myself I hate it I hate it so much#and I just wanna stay inside on my own forever#deciding for myself to be invisible#tonight sucked. good night
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was wondering why i was suddenly experiencing such a bizarre pain and then remembered i have a silly little psychosomatic (?) condition (?) where that just happens if i'm stressed enough and funny enough i've been very stressed lately. at least that's what i'm telling myself it is and they did actually do the diagnostics on this one and found nothing fr so. ?
#i developed this after having a pathological fear of appendicitis for years when i was younger i started getting lower right abdominal pain#and it freaked me out so much and they did an ultrasound and said nothing is wrong you're making it up you should try not being stressed#(they did not medicate me for depression or anxiety until some time after this )#anyway i was pretty skeptical of that but then they just recently did another ultrasound and the mri and there really was nothing there#(although she told me i had to get surgery after the ultrasound but mri didn't show anything so i'm assuming she's going to correct herself#at my follow up next week) and i feel like those are pretty conclusive diagnostics so idk i guess i really am making this one up#it was much much worse when i was younger it doesn't happen nearly as much now but it kind of hurts a lot i'm a wimp about organ pain#anyway. here's my medical oversharing post for today good night#me
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it's okay i can take my time this is a leisure activity vs give me my fucking dopamine NOW
#we r deep in the wip at this point and im experiencing fic finish dopamine withdrawals 🫠🫠#if i keep going at the current pace there's approximately 4 or 5k left of this one#which considering i am 7.5k in rn is not THAT bad#its been much much worse before lol#i think i am just a leetle fic fatigued with it yk#like i set out to write a cute little 3k snackette#and its absolutely monstered me#if i come up with smth cool i might do another wip post just for fun today
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I hope we meet again someday, my friend...
#🖼️┋art#🐭┋personal#I'll miss you so much Joy Sandwich ;; _ ;;#I wish I didn't agree to let her leave#I immediately regretted my choice and started crying...#I should have waited until I was truly comfortable with her leaving before letting her go#letting her leave is so much worse than having her get married too like#at least when they get married they happily ride off into the sunset with their partner#instead she packed a little bag and walked out the door#but then came back while crying for a few seconds before leaving again for good ;; _ ;;#that broke me even more tbh#YES I'M DEPRESSED OVER MY TAMAGOTCHI LEAVING#I promise I'll keep hunting for another female Tamagotchi with a 'naughty' nature#one day I'll find you again Joy Sandwich#and this time I won't let you go ;; _ ;;#*breaks down crying for the 6th time today*#tamagotchi#tamagotchi uni#mimitchi
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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That scientist should not be 18 years old are you kidding me???
#prince's talk tag#so i found out something today#for the better part of the year ive been obsessed with the song Science by Sh/un'ichi To/ki#and today I thought about buying the single online bc i love it so much#so i go to the product page and read the description and it turns out#the song was used as an ending for an anime that came out earlier this year#and ofc To/ki plays one of the main characters in the anime: the aforementioned scientist#the character said he worked for the government as a scientist#and he when he first met another main character who's a child he kept calling him 'boku' which the subs translated to 'son'#plus the other main character in the show is 28 so i had assumed the scientist was 28 as well or maybe a year or two younger#nope! the same episode it turns out he's 18. eighteen years old#what kind of prodigy child do we have have here???#anyway the anime is kinda of mid and im starting to see a trend (probably not a trend and def not the first person to do this)#he acts in mediocre anime but also gets to do an opening and/or ending for it too. a two for one deal#in this case the op is sung by the three leads and the ed is just him#they are both bops but im bias to the ed bc ive been playing it on a loop#anyway im on ep 2. it's a goofy show but ill stick with it. ive seen worse ones and this one isn't bad#oh the name of it is De|usional Month|y Magazine#also i lied the op is sung by the four leads. theres a dog who is part of the principle cast and he sings too
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