#and also idk how to manage time so one thing I often find myself wondering is how would I fit these hobbies into my schedule

[deprivedofbraincellsandsleep]

wishing so bad that I was a great writer or artist rn

[susansontag]

I know my obsessions with having control over how I’m perceived are stupid and will never work, but genuinely a decent amount of emotional problems between me and other people I know (and even some I barely know) have begun with them assuming I think a particular thing or meant a particular thing etc that I didn’t and don’t at all. one of these was when someone kept writing insane things about me for idk four years now. another was my friend assuming I lost contact with one of our old mutual friends bc she’d had a baby and I must judge young mothers because I’m a feminist(????), and also that I must hate women who shave (because I don’t shave due to feminism)

those are just two examples and the last one has been resolved now but I try to be normal and inoffensive but occasionally people have come at me with ideas that makes me wonder if people just think the worst about me at any one time. it’s insane how little control I feel I have over any of it. I’ve told friends about both of these instances and they’ve said they seem straightforwardly like projection so I shouldn’t worry about that happening too often, it just happens sometimes and there’s nothing you can do but try and explain yourself. it just feels like I’ll be a bit reserved and then unfortunately I’ll find out later that everyone thought I was a smug judgemental arsehole who clearly didn’t speak as much bc I have a superiority complex, or am trying to embarrass someone

does anyone else have these issues. this absolutely contributes to my overexplaining myself because I’ve legitimately managed to start beef between groups of people I barely know over my thoughts and feelings (I’m not joking!!! a bunch of people I don’t know were gossiping about me to strangers at a party a few years ago). sorry if this makes me sound self-centred I just don’t know how to get out of this problem. I guess the answer really is that there’s nothing you can do

[bots-and-cons]

I guess it's autistic burnout?

Another complaining post, but this is my blog so I can do what I want lol. Again, don't read if you don't feel like it, this isn't really anything other than me screaming into the internet void...

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last couple of months, and especially the last couple of days. Also my best friend has been telling me to take it easy for like the last half a year. Even though we haven't seen each other much since I live so far away now, she can still tell I'm anxious, tired, stressed and pretty much driving myself nuts trying to manage everything. She has been trying to tell me to take breaks and be kinder to myself, but I honestly don't really know how to do that.

I've always been taught (especially by my ex-stepmom) that if I'm not productive and don't achieve things constantly, I have no worth. Since that was beaten into me (not literally, at least not most of the time) in my teenage years and before, it is incredibly hard to unlearn. I feel like that's especially dangerous for someone like me, because I feel like the world demands so much of all of us already, and often I can't even reach the bare minimum.

I've always been taught that if I'm not a "productive member of society", I'm not worth anything. So when I can't keep up with others, or I can't get things done at the pace that's expected of everyone else, it's hard. I have an incredibly hard time being kind to myself, because I was never really taught how to do that. I give a lot of grace to others and I would never expect the same things from others that expect from myself. Other people deserve breaks, but I don't. Other people deserve more time, but I don't. Other people deserve everything that I don't. I don't get why I can't give myself the same mercy and grace I give others.

My best friend and I were talking about how exhausted I've been. It was about a month back and she talked about how she's been watching me go down this spiral for a while now. We talked about how my meds have been enough to keep me well until now, but since the amount of stress has just kept increasing during the last couple of years, it's no wonder everything is finally starting to spill over. From ages 13 to about 22 I was in a major depressive episode. Then from about 23 to now (I turn 25 this summer) I've had a much better time period. At one point I didn't even consider myself depressed at all. I've been in uni since the start of 2023, and having things to do has no doubt helped, but it's starting to get to be too much.

I read some articles about autistic burnout, and fuck, I'm most definitely going towards that wayyyy too fast. I actually might already be there. I find myself being annoyed by literally everything. I want to start throwing things when I turn my head on my pillow in the evening when trying to sleep, because it makes a sound. Literally everything else annoys me as well, like wearing socks or whatever the fuck. I'm also so damn angry about everything all the time. The anger is mostly turned inward, which is not really healthy, but I don't know what to do about it. Executive functions are also not doing too good, because I can't do anything I'm supposed to be doing.

I need to talk with my psych nurse tomorrow about what I'm gonna do with the whole summer school thing. I would like a statement from my psychiatrist that I can't do school in the summer and that I need to rest, but we'll see if she agrees. I've been considering starting therapy again, but I don't know if I could manage that on top of school too, but I also don't know if I can manage without it. Especially if the mental health clinic I'm currently a client at throws me out in the fall, because I'm apparently doing "well enough to manage on my own". Idk if I'm supposed to laugh or cry at that but we'll see in the fall what happens.

[fushiglow]

hi! newish follower here so idk maybe you've already answered here haha but do you have any hobbies outside of fic/fandom that you want to yap about? :)

Ahh welcome, and thank you for asking ♥️ I haven't answered this before actually, but I suddenly feel like I've never had a hobby in my life except for writing JJK fic, haha! Let's see...

Other than making music (which sits in a complex space in my mind and can't be neatly categorised as a "hobby"), most of the things I enjoy relate to wildlife! Conserving nature and promoting biodiversity are close to my heart and my personal life, so I'm very passionate about these topics and how they intersect with social justice.

In fact, I care so much that I sought out a career in this field, despite my previous professional development becoming useless as a result! Working in this area is very different to finding enjoyment in nature for myself. However, regardless of the difficulties my job brings, I love wildlife photography, I love gardening for wildlife, and I love getting involved with citizen science projects related to wildlife — usually in conjunction with one another! Over the last couple of years:

I've planted a tiny wildlife pond in a Belfast sink and watched it become a habitat for frogs, damselflies, pollinators, and lots of other creatures;

I've painstakingly established and maintained a tiny native wildflower meadow, and seen it support grasshoppers and birds and rare solitary bees;

I've re-landscaped my small outdoor space to create a highway for wild mammals and encourage natural predators of "pests" to the places I need them;

I've taken part in countless bird and butterfly counts throughout the different seasons, and learned to read the natural environment around me more intuitively in the process; and

I've taken lots and lots of photographs throughout, capturing rare species that I never would have spotted if I hadn't been looking in the first place!

It is genuinely the most rewarding thing to see wild animals and insects enjoying the fruits of your labour. I think it's also a balm for broader climate dread, because while individuals don't have the power to make a difference on a global scale, we can make a difference in our local area. It's a slow process, and it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to see results, but it's so worth it. I'd encourage everyone to take small actions for wildlife wherever they can, because the wellbeing benefits it brings are enormous!

Since I'm yapping about it already, I'm going to take this opportunity to make a few little PSAs about some common mistakes when it comes to helping wildlife:

Save the wild bees! Honeybees are essentially managed livestock, and do not need our help. They have humans to control disease, provide food, and defend the nest. Bumblebees and solitary bees have to fend for themselves, and commercial honeybee colonies in the area often outcompete them for the scarce resources they depend on. Take some time to research your local native wild pollinators and provide food plants specific to those species!

In general, sugar water for bees does more harm than good. It's much better to provide them with natural sources of nutrition from native flowering plants! Think of sugar water as a junk food snack and a garden of diverse flowers as a balanced, healthy meal!

Similarly, bird feeders should be handled with care. Watching birds using your feeders is wonderful and we shouldn't overlook the valuable nature connection the experience provides. However, it's always better to provide resources through diverse planting that offers food throughout the seasons. If putting out bird feeders, clean them rigorously and regularly to prevent the spread of disease, and research birds' changing nutritional requirements at different times of year so you can provide accordingly!

Um. I went from saying I have no hobbies to lecturing everyone about wildlife conservation. I wasn't joking when I said I'm passionate 😭 Thanks for the question, and I hope this was interesting and/or educational to someone at least!

[blainewarblur]

can i vanish into you?

well, the thing is...i'm still alive. i know, i know. it may come as a surprise, given how completely i've managed to ghost myself right out my life. for someone usually so determined to vanish, i suppose it's only appropriate i should endeavor to resurface now that we're on the precipice of tumblr's potential shuttering, but i've kinda had this spooky little habit forever (i ran, kurt) and it's gotten particularly, um, troublesome in the last couple of years...

see, it's almost like, as i've deleted myself off the internet, i've also deleted myself from the whole of my life too. i've stopped writing, i've stopped dreaming, i've stopped engaging in the things that i once loved. i've stopped wanting, i guess, is the best way to put it–wanting to be and wanting to be seen.

okay, so that's melodramatic. i can assure anyone listening that there's nothing to be, you know, worried about (not that i've earned the right of anyone's concern). maybe it's not really an accurate characterization anyway, seeing as how i'm still here so i must want for something, but that is how it's felt more often than not. there've been moments that i've fallen so far down the well of dark days that i've doubted the existence of even the smallest eclipse of light to look up towards.

[and of course my first and last instinct here is not to reach out to anyone at all but instead to turn inwards, to run away from everyone who might care–for fear of burdening others mostly, and a few more solipsistic reasons we need not get into here.]

idk that all sounds worse than it actually is. this isn't an ao3 author's note, i'm not here to declare i've just returned from prison or some other bout of absurd incapacitation, but it's just that once you go a day without talking, then it somehow becomes a week, then a month, and before long, you're left wondering how to speak at all.

i do still sew, that is one thing i've not lost in the haze of a years-long depressive haze, and like a particularly delicate linen, my life has frayed.

i am frayed.

but there are other little things that have kept me sane over the last few months (and years before that, too): lady gaga, kurtandblaine, the unsullied joy of my niece and nephew who don't yet know the world they'll inherit, a well-timed text message, glimpses of a life i once imagined living, the softsoftsoft back of of baxter's ears, crisp clean sheets, gratitude that keeps my head above water, thinking of my sweet sweet molly who will never see just how ugly the world's become, and of course, there's always the stubborn, naive hope that this too shall pass.

anyway, the point is: i think it's probably time to make myself visible again. just a little existential opacity, if you will. you know, as a treat.

and yes, i realize that ~reemerging on a relatively anonymous blogging site that may or may not self-implode in the matter of months is a pretty cowardly declaration, but if we're being generous, it could be a first step, right? of course there will be no twitter or instagram or any other such platform to find refuge, lost as they are to those evil little corporate oligarchs, and maybe i'll just lurk here as i've always done, but it still felt like i owed an explanation–even if it's only to myself. after all, to put words to paper (or to keyboard) remains the only way to make anything even remotely real to my silly little brain.

so, well, here we are.

that's all there is to it, i suppose. i hope to soon have the wherewithal to more concretely contend with the wreckage left in the wake of *gestures wildly at everything and nothing*, but for now, my queue is full and i hope one day my heart will be, too.

i mean, the show's gotta go all over the place or something, right?

sensibles, if you're reading this, please know i think of you near daily and i am the most sorry for (and rather embarrassed by the selfishess that is), you know, vanishing. oh, and snix, if you're reading this, no you're not.

[trippinsorrows]

ARI YOU'RE THAT GIRL

I really hate the nastiness you receive on here sometimes but I absolutely admire how you rarely choose to showcase that or give them attention. I don't care what they or even if you have a hard time seeing this. Imma say it any ways:

You are every bit of who you think you are!

You're really a fantastic writer, I started WITH ME first and adored it and I don't even consider y/n stories most of the times, but the way you beautifully wrote and personalized a non-OC was awesome and really inspiring to aspiring writers like myself. And I loved that story so much I finished it and moved onto the sequel in the same day.

And then I found LYTE and fell down that rabbit hole, girl you had me on hooked on that story in the middle of my anatomy lectures, you're that mf girl. And don't let the hatefulness of ignorant, emotionally desolate and immature people bring you down at all. You know people like that are at their lowest and only find relative joy in kicking up at others who have more them or what they want.

At the end of the day in my eyes you deserve every like, reblog, comment, all of it. You write wonderful creative stories. You're also one of the most interactive creators on here, like you're a whole therapist and you still manage to answer bunches of ask of day feeding our little thirsty asses lol and those that really see and appreciate you, appreciate that! The dedication and genuine love you put into your work is unmatched and I just hope you know none of that goes unnoticed to us real supporters xx love ya friend, keep up the good!!

i read this early this morning, when i was half asleep, and i don't feel i was able to fully appreciate it like i can now. this has such a smile on my face, especially after a long day of work and, specifically, the work i do 🥺🥺🥺

i definitely do not often showcase the not so nice things that i receive on this platform, because it's not worth it, and it contrasts the safe/fun space i've always aimed to make and keep this page as. 🥺

man, 'with me' will always have a special place in my heart, largely because it's how so many of you found my page. i'm so grateful for that story and am always so stoked/happy that it continues to be a work enjoyed by you guys! 🥺

not the middle of the anatomy lectures! 😭😂 friend, i hope you was paying attention still 😂😂😂

yes. i'd argue that 98% of the time, i am well aware that there are just some dysregulated folks on this site who have nothing better to do with their time and lives than to be mean to others. it's just weird, unhealthy behavior, and i do my best to always ignore it, cause it's truly not worth my time or energy. but every so often, idk, i say something, cause i'm human, and i got feelings too, ya know. ❤️

i so very deeply appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to leave me such kind, encouraging words. it's so freaking nice and refreshing to know and see that ya'll see the hard work i do put into my stories as well as just running this page as a whole. it's a lot at times, but it's really all of ya'll and how much fun we have on here that makes it all so worth it, truly!

thank you 😭😭😭

@sxvual

[xxpeppermintxx109]

hey mint! i'm a huge fan of your writing :) i wanted to ask something that i hope isn't an overstep about your writing process.

I'm trying to write my own fic for another fandom and i find myself looking to glbh and wondering how on god's green earth you manage to paint your scenes so vividly- you make it feel like i'm standing next to shaera in sunspear and can smell the ocean (god i hope that isn't weird). i'm really struggling to depict the environment the characters are in :(

do you have any advice on building scenes? how do you make it feel so real?

hi anon!!

not an overstep at all!! It means so much that you would ask me! Like genuinely :)

Honestly, I think any of my creative writing professors or even my agent lol would moan and groan about how many adjectives I use. I just know if I ever turned in a chapter of glbh to any of them, I’d get back an entire chapter of red corrections LMAO.

But I think that’s why it works sometimes? Cause I know it’s over the top sometimes. I know I don’t need to always go so in depth with descriptions and I know it’s cringe sometimes (trust I’ve gotten DM’s about it lol) but I think that’s fun! Idk. I think the easiest thing is to just have fun with it. Go outside sometimes and just sit with nature for a second, or with another person (safely of course cause covid and h5n1, so mask up!), and just try to take in everything around you. I often use my grounding exercises for my OCD panic attacks, and try to think about multiple things which make up each of my senses. I also try to just read as many books as possible, especially in other languages. It just really widens your breadth of vocabulary! It’s not so like surgical as one may think, but I just try to envision everything as best I can and then transfer it to my notes app (I also write every chapter on my notes app on my phone so that I can write whenever and wherever!).

And then building a scene up, idk honestly. Rn with the show, it’s helpful with the breaks they do, but y’all know I’m not trying to rely on that too much. There are some scenes I’m obviously using cause they’re pertinent imo, but it’s honestly harder to write those ones. When I’m just working on scenes from my brain and outline, I kind of work sporadically. I’ll write one scene one day, and then write another scene that would be earlier in the chapter like a week later. I rearrange chapter povs all the time, trying to tweak it all so it flows well. But scenes really just need to feel right to you! Think of a setting that fits the plot. Build up that setting alone, because your characters can’t exist without their setting. Think about how your characters would then react. Then how would they react to one another, influenced by the immediate world surrounding them. Try to get some dialogue flowing—does it feel stilted or smooth? Try and say it aloud, see if you can imagine yourself saying those things. And just keep going with that scene until you feel it’s hitting a break point. Don’t pass that point. Don’t force the scene either. Go with what you feel is satisfying to you as the writer!

I hope this is helpful! And if you ever feel comfortable sharing your fic, don’t be afraid to send it along! I love to write fic, but I never would have unless I read it first :)

Thank you for asking too, it means the world that my writing means so much to you :,) I’m sure your fic is beautiful and if you ever need advice, don’t be afraid to reach out! Technically I do have my master’s in creative writing, and if I was teaching rn, this would be my job haha. But also, I just love to write and read, and that’s the most important thing. A degree or training doesn’t make the writer; their love for the art does :)

- mint

[zarahjoyce]

MITD Fic: aftermath

Summary:

"Isn't it weird, Hyung?" Jun O tells his brother, just after they've eaten a particularly delicious dinner that Min O had prepared for him. "I felt like... I fell in love with someone without me falling in love with her. Like I miss her all the time but at the same time I don't and it's just--" He rubs his forehead and sighs aloud. "I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes."

or

Jun O, in the aftermath.

Notes:

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT MOON IN THE DAY THAT I CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM WRITING THIS... THING IDK.

now also with Ao3 link!

--

Protect Kang Yeong Hwa. I need to keep Kang Yeong Hwa safe.  Jun O finds himself often waking up in the middle of the night, shaking, sweating, breathing hard. The thoughts beat in his mind like a drum, growing louder and louder until he's deafened by them. He drags his hand through his hair, trying to calm himself down, trying to keep his chest from bursting. 

Protect her from what? Why do I need to keep her safe? He doesn't hear any answer, however.

He never did.

And he's left wondering what that was all about for the rest of the night.

-

Min O notices the bags under Jun O's eyes, but never comments on them.

"Did you sleep well?" he asks instead.

No. I never do.

"You know, Hyung," Jun O quietly replies, playing around with his food without any urge to eat them, "I know I told myself that I wouldn't feel curious about--" 

He stops.

Kang Yeong Hwa. Even the mere thought of her name makes Jun O feel a deep sense of... yearning? Longing? For a woman he barely knew. 

Which is ridiculous, of course.

So, he just draws a deep breath.

And forces a smile for his brother's sake. 

"Never mind," he says instead. "What's my schedule for today?"

-

He finds that handling a sword came so natural to him, it felt like he's been doing it his entire life. Like it's an extension of his limb. Like cutting lives is something he did everyday. 

Don't even get him started on how ridiculously easy it was for him to hit a bullseye with an arrow - something he'd been awful at before. 

"Who knew I'd find sageuk dramas so easy to do?" Jun O muses out loud, patting himself on the back for a job well done - according to the director, no less. 

Manager Jang glances at him from the driver's seat. "Yeah," he says, and Jun O frowns at the odd tone of his voice. "Who knew." 

Dismissing that, Jun O gets his phone to scroll for articles praising his acting abilities - as they should - when he blurts out, "You're in contact with Kang Yeong Hwa, right? How is she?"

Thankfully, they were waiting for a green light, giving Manager Jang a chance to actually turn to him and say, "How'd you--"

"You're dating her friend, right? The one she thinks of as her sister. The one who owes her--"

And then Jun O shuts his mouth, and stares at his manager in horror. "I knew that? How do I know that?"

"T-that was what I was about to ask you," Manager Jang replies. "By any chance, do you actually remember--"

The car behind them honks its horn.

Jun O rubs his forehead.

"Drive," he orders Yoon Je. "Just... just drive."

-

By pure chance, his next project was about him being a firefighter. 

Jun O dreaded coming to the fire station. If only because that meant the possibility of coming face to face with--

Kang Yeong Hwa. And his heart skips a beat. 

Manager Jang must have noticed his obvious discomfort. "You know," he says, "if you're worried about seeing Kang--"

"Worried? Who said I'm worried? Are you worried? I'm not worried!" Jun O replies in rapid succession, scoffing all the while. "Why would I be--"

"She actually left yesterday," his manager continues. "For Antartica. So you won't be seeing her anymore."

Jun O stares at his manager.

"--oh," he says.

A beat.

"That's good," Jun O adds. "That she's... gone. That's good."

Except he felt like weeping. 

-

"Isn't it weird, Hyung?" Jun O tells his brother, just after they've eaten a particularly delicious dinner that Min O had prepared for him. "I felt like... I fell in love with someone without me falling in love with her. Like I miss her all the time but at the same time I don't and it's just--" He rubs his forehead and sighs aloud. "I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes."

Min O pats his hand. "Do you want to see her?" 

"No," Jun O replies quickly - which tells him that that was honestly what he was feeling. "No. It'll fade, whatever this is. I just need to bear it. I did beat cancer, of all things. I can beat this phantom feeling too." 

"That's right. Just persevere and you'll win." His brother smiles at him. "You're growing up, Jun O. I'm glad."

Except this didn't feel like growing up.

It just feels like he's lost.

-

But Han Jun O perseveres.

-

The next few years flew by in a hurry. Thankfully, Jun O's schedule had been packed with projects that he hadn't had enough time to mind anything else. 

Today, however, he's scrolling through his phone, browsing through the news to find anything related to him when he spots--

--an article about a miracle firefighter saving lives from a burning building - including a pregnant woman and her three children.

Kang Yeong Hwa, was the firefighter's name, written in bold print. 

And Jun O waits for that achy feeling that haunted him before to envelope him at the mere sight of it.

Except it never came.

Come to think of it, he couldn't even remember the last time he thought of her.

And even now that he is, Jun O doesn't at all feel... overwhelmed. 

Just... happy. At the thought of her living her life and saving lives in the process. 

He sighs and smiles in relief.

I'm free of you, Kang Yeong Hwa. Finally. Guess this means I win.

[macawritesupdates]

Hey you wrote my prompt for the court of vipers sequel! Thank you!!! I loved it so much it was beautifully written ❤️ 💖 💕. You did a wonderful job bringing the idea to life. Oh my goodness, it became so much more than i ever could have hoped. I feel like just seeing how you take prompts and expand them into full chapters and interweave lore into the narrative in a way that feels natural and not like boring exposition is soo cool I almost feel like a better writer by proxy just by reading your work. I had given up on being a writer myself for a while but idk something about seeing how you do it makes me want to try again. OK gushing about the way you do things done now on to the actual chapter, loved seeing Sukuna's morning routine she's great and I loved toji adding himself to the narrative 😀 I think that's why he kept appearing in cannon jjk so often that man wants to be written lol. I loved Yuuji being a good boy and solving people's problems while completely unaware of all the assassination attempts. Oh my boy, thank goodness you have Sukuna, your scary wife has your back. Man putting the failed assassins in the garden of the people who sent them is hard core Sukuna does not fuck around or rather Sukuna fucks around so much that it loops back around to being serious and all her enemies get to find out. It was great to see Sukuna casually stopping the attempts but damn i did feel a little bad for that poor servant. Those nobles must have been so terrified sitting through that meal knowing that she knows they tried to kill her husband. Aww the end scene was both funny and hot like damn. Awww wait Sukuna wants him to stay in bed with her a little later thats so cute. I do love seeing Sukuna in an environment where she gets to use her extreme murderous intelligence for good it's like enrichment for her. She's like a wild tiger she needs to hunt and protecting Yuuji gives her the opportunity to do that without any guilt or self hate over being just a monster because she's doing a good thing by keeping him safe. She's got terrible claws and teeth, but she's putting them to good use she may not be a traditional hero but without her the real sunshine hero would definitely get murdered. Who would have thought the best way to get Sukuna to stop being a calamity on the land would be to give her a cute little husband and let her loose on his enemies. She's focused, she's happy, and she's getting laid all the time. She doesn't have time to mess up some random village she's already juggling so many scemes and making good on all these covert threats while trying to get her and her husbands throne back. Man Sukuna benefits from this marriage as much as Yuuji those two really are perfect for each other. They balance each other out so well her greatest strengths are his greatest weaknesses, but the reverse is also true. So long as they have each other for support they can thrive and be happy in a way that they just could not manage on their own. He has too much compassion and good will but she'll protect him and prevent him from giving too much so he doesn't burn out. Meanwhile she gets to bask in that good will more than anyone else which let's her have all the love she was denied growing up, love given freely to her just because of who she is. She is not unlovable but it takes someone uniquely kind and strong and stubborn like Yuuji to really give her what she needs. Basically both of them are super super lucky. Anyway great work as always!!

I always say keep on writing! It is a good way to relax and it took me many years to let go of tying my worth as a writer to comments/kudos/subs/ect. It is a hard habit to break, but doing so, I feel your art just gets more your own voice! Also glad you enjoyed the chapter! Sukuna seems to behave if he is given the enrichment to be awful in contained situations XD He just wants to be a violent bastard, let him have room to cook! Sukuna will get Yuuji his throne back, one way or another, then gleefully protect it for sure XD

[dumpdaily]

No one was there for me as a kid. I was isolated beyond belief. Bullied in school. The cops wouldn't help me. Nothing. I was turned into a problem child even though I was doing my best to do what people wanted. Pedo shit seemed like the only way I would get any acknowledgement of my existence. Then I got too old.

I had betrayals that seemed almost comical. As an adult I didn't find any support or anything really. I really don't know what to believe or anything. It wasn't until my last relationship that I really learned what love felt like. The first time I've really smiled was with him. But he's dead now.

I had to fight for everything. I was trying my best to be better. I was trying to make new friends. But it's been over a decade now of trying my best. I never really drank alcohol or did drugs or did anything bad for the most part. But I never learned how to live either. I still don't know what I'm allowed to do in a lot of ways.

I love my grandparents but they were busy with work 24/7 until the past few years. Also no one wants to believe that their kid is a bit of a piece of shit. It's hard to feel close to people who defended someone who hurt you so deeply but I understand it. They care about me but it's hard for me to feel it.

No matter what I do it seems like there's no way to work around the damage that's been done. I was really struggling with my physical health already but with losing the person who I was just starting to accept actually loved me. Idk. I just want to be done with it all.

I still wonder how much of anything was real. My abandonment issues are even worse than before. I think I might've been okay if I had managed to make some friends before this all happened, but I didn't. I do have 4 friends but all of them have lives and I don't get to talk to them very often.

I don't have anyone to talk to. Just in general. But I can't handle talking to strangers rn. Trying to reach out to form new connections is incredibly painful because most people don't like me. I thought about trying to stream again on twitch but no one cares so I'm just talking with myself.

I'm exhausted from having tried so hard for so long. Hoping for things to change. I kept going from shit situation to shit situation but different. And when I finally got things into a good situation, I lost my ability to walk. I lost my job. My legs were basically my lifeline because I could always walk away before. Now I was trapped. I was only just starting to recover from it all when the person I love died.

So now I don't want to put the effort into getting better. Why bother. As soon as anything good comes, it gets cursed. There's no time to enjoy it. And I'm painfully aware of how much worse everything could be. At least I'm not being drugged or trafficked or whatever. I can easily imagine much worse positions to be in.

I'm scared that reincarnation is a thing. Physically speaking I got relatively lucky in this life. To my knowledge I haven't even broken a bone. Emotionally however I was cursed with no connection. Until much later in my life and then it was torn from me. I think I'd take the physical pain and have people to bond with if I could.

It's too late for me now. I've been so thoroughly annihilated. It would take another miracle to save me. I've already had too many miracles in my life. I've already survived too many times. 25kg is something I hold onto to remind me that it was real. You can see it in the pictures. I just wish I could afford peace. I want to be free. But yet I keep living.

[ultrvmonogamy]

Hey, you don't have to answer but you seem like you give good advice.

I'm not submissive with someone unless I really trust them a lot because the stuff I like could be super dangerous if done with someone who doesn't respect me.

Plus I'm not rlly even attracted to someone unless they rlly value me & vice versa.

I keep attracting people who are more submissive than me which is definitely not my thing.

I'm algolagnic but lean toward masochism, not in a self harming way, just because I like certain sensations & think it builds trust and intimacy.

Do you have any tips for attracting the right kinda people without having to betray my personality or sense of self preservation?

this anon is from october of 2023, which was right around the time tumblr went from being very welcoming to kinda hellish for me, and i never got around to answering. idk if ur still around or if ur concerns are still relevant, but for whatever reason i just read ur message and started typing.

Hey, you don't have to answer but you seem like you give good advice.

i wonder if u still feel that way.

also, i appreciate u giving me an out, but honestly telling me i don't need to answer is a pretty reliable way to never get an answer from me. i'm just terrible like that bc there r always a zillion things i wanna be doing unless i wanna be doing nothing at all, and both of those conditions benefit from anything being easily eliminated.

i think in general i'm kinda hardwired to brush off or completely let go of anything i don't have to think abt unless i happen to find it compelling in the moment. that works well for me in the short-term but often is detrimental in the long-term. idk if ur familiar w the eisenhower matrix, but this proclivity is particularly bad for the "important but not urgent" quadrant and similar realms. i imagine a whole lot of ppl r similar to me in that manner, and it's rly too bad bc i'll bet that managing that quadrant well is a far far better predictor of success/satisfaction/happiness than smth like IQ or possibly even environment n resources available to us upon spawning in.

enough of me though, wow. not sure why i started going on abt myself in the first place.

I'm not submissive with someone unless I really trust them a lot because the stuff I like could be super dangerous if done with someone who doesn't respect me.

that sounds very healthy to me, and i fully agree w ur assessment re danger and respect.

Plus I'm not rlly even attracted to someone unless they rlly value me & vice versa.

this also strikes me as healthy n considerably so at that. it's unfortunately rare n for most a rather enviable position to be in, i'd think. so u've got that going for u, which is nice..

I keep attracting people who are more submissive than me which is definitely not my thing.

based on how u've described urself combined w the self-awareness implicit in what u've expressed, i am not at all surprised that u find urself attracting ppl more submissive than u. and tbh i wouldn't expect that to stop happening. u sound like u've got strong character, might generally be a strong person, or at the very least have enough of a center that ur own gravity field will inevitably draw in ppl who do not have as established a center or who r looking for one outside of themselves. to be clear, i do not believe or intend to imply that submissive ppl r necessarily meek (see urself in my estimation for a counter-example, in fact), but i do think that ppl who lack a strong center tend to be or act submissive. and ppl who r submissive r by definition drawn to [not all] ppl who've got a more rooted presence.

what i'm rly trying to say (and which u may already know) is that u attracting ppl who r more submissive than u does not necessarily mean ur putting out the wrong signals or giving off the wrong vibes. more succinctly: it's not mutually exclusive to attracting dominant ppl. although it's maybe going to be noise that u'd prefer to avoid, i don't think it's smth u should be discouraged by or is indicative of u not being attractive to the right ppl as well. i dunno if i worded that v clearly, but i hope u get my meaning regardless.

I'm algolagnic but lean toward masochism, not in a self harming way, just because I like certain sensations & think it builds trust and intimacy.

that makes sense to me. btw a year and a half ago when i first read ur message is when i learned the word "algolagnic", so thanks for that :)

Do you have any tips for attracting the right kinda people without having to betray my personality or sense of self preservation?

if I'm to judge from ur message (which is all I've got to go by), i don't see any indication that ur not doing exactly what u need to. for the reasons i mentioned, i don't see that attracting submissives is a bad sign (and if ur true to ur personality and sense of self-preservation, i rly think it's going to be inevitable).

i do think it's probable that by actually having a sense of self and valuing self-preservation, ur driving away a whole host of "dominants" who wouldn't be right for u by virtue of the fact that those qualities r contrary to their desires/ambitions (whether consciously or subconsciously). if u happen to feel like (all other things even) ur getting disproportionately less attention than other subs around u, it rly could be down to exactly that.

i wish i had some kind of actionable advice i could propose to make it easier for u, but i think it can just be rly difficult to find quality ppl if u have standards and value ur own integrity. if u broadcast that u don't care abt urself or that ur fragile enough to be groomed into betraying urself, u'll undoubtedly find urself the target of orders of magnitude more attention, but that would be tragic.

tl;dr: stick to ur guns. be true to urself. if the attention from subs is troubling or bothersome or undesirable to u in and of itself, maybe u can find ways to pre-empt it by making it clear u don't want it. other than that i don't think i've got much more to offer here than to wish u patience and luck. fwiw, i obviously don't know what else u have going on good or bad or in between, but u seem to me like u've got a lot going for u.

maybe someone else reading this has some different perspective to offer?

thank u for the ask. sry abt the ridiculous delay 🫶

[batsplat]

hi i started watching tennis this year and i found your blog when browsing tumblr and i really enjoyed reading your opinions about tennis!

one thing i have started being curious about though was kind of the concept of acceptable behaviour as a tennis player. in general i follow tennis news and fan opinion stuff on reddit and the general vibe seems to be that racket smashing or screaming or other tantrum-like activities is super bad and obviously the wta and atp discourage these activities by having rules in place to punish people who do them ex. giving point penalties for swearing although i'm not sure i've seen it happen so far and i have definitely witnessed players swearing so maybe it doesn't matter that much to the tennis organizations? Personally i don't think there's really anything wrong with this type of behaviour, i feel like it's part of the game, but joining fan communities like reddit made me realize it seems like stuff like breaking rackets, screaming or other things that could be displays of frustration has a very negative perception.

So i was just every wondering what your opinion on racket smashing or players throwing tantrums mid-match or other similar behaviours is and why you think that most fans view behaviour like that in a very negative light? Also whether you think the tennis organizations should be more strict about punishing things like breaking rackets, swearing etc. since i feel like i rarely see any sort of punishment given despite these behaviours being forbidden in the rule book and also how they seem to be unpopular with fans.

ah yes, a favourite topic of tennis discourse. this is proooooobably not going to come as a great shock to you, but I personally take a pretty laissez-faire approach to acceptable conduct for tennis players. I'm not completely in the 'everything goes' camp but I'm definitely more pro outbursts of emotion than the average tennis fan. idk I think my case for this is pretty straightforward - I like my athletes with emotions, I like them imperfect, I don't want them all to be perfectly composed on court at all times. playing tennis is a pretty hellish experience and tbh it does kinda drive you insane, and to me it's pretty compelling to actually see that process play out. I don't need ALL tennis players to be like this, but the point is you get a contrast in how to manage emotions. and I wouldn't want all of that to go

the reasons why tennis fans don't like it... well, first off, tennis is quite a conservative sport. it's not seen as part of the 'image' of tennis, this idea of the gentleman's sport that's somehow being tarnished. to some extent I feel like this ship has kinda sailed... mcenroe has to be one of the players who still remains most enduringly in the general public's consciousness, who was obviously infamously the opposite of that. then again, you could say the point of that kind of figure is that he's memorable because he's seen as the exception. but yeah, there's just sort of this stuffy reflexive commitment to 'traditions' or whatever... idk I don't have any such commitment so I'm probably doing quite a poor job at articulating that stance. one commonly cited issue is how players should act as role models and their impressionable young audience might copy them. and, look, sorry, but fuck them kids. I don't care! I played juniors tennis and I kinda think those little brats are going to be monsters whatever you do. while I never myself smashed a racquet because my mum would have murdered me, I did know a lot of kids who smashed raquets - and often in sizeable numbers. (obviously also a class element to this but... not as much as you'd think, some kids from pretty low income backgrounds went through quite a few racquets and somehow their parents kept shelling up.) but at this point, idk, this is also the parents' responsibility. do NOT allow your kid's role model to be a TENNIS PLAYER, that's a TERRIBLE idea. I just don't find it a reasonable expectation to curtail the emotions shown in professional sports because a few kids might be watching

but also, fan sentiment is a complicated topic... I'm hardly the only fan who is into racquet smashes, for instance. even amongst those nominally against it, you do sometimes detect a certain scandalised enjoyment of poor behaviour - something to mock but also to look out for. tennis fans do like making someone the villain. also, it's worth pointing out that tennis fans are often massive hypocrites about this. tennis MEDIA are often hypocrites - for years and years, kyrgios got a considerably lighter ride than colleagues who did stuff that was a lot less egregious, and it's only in the last few years the mood has turned against him. (though you'll still find a stray telegraph journalist willing to take up the cause and explain to us why he's What Tennis Needs.) I can also go for an example a bit closer to home and mention that... you bring up reddit, and like. hate to say it but medvedev - for all the shit he gets from live crowds - is a favourite player of much of the internet including reddit, which means he often gets a lot more leeway than his peers. it's because he's charismatic and makes for an effective pantomime villain. he behaves poorly but he's funny about it, he'll come up with a one-liner or a bit of odd behaviour that makes you laugh. he probably also benefits from some biased umpiring in that regard - he gets a pretty light touch and there's definitely times where I feel like he should have (by the rules) racked up more code violations than he had. though he is also clever about it and has a good feel for how far he can push things in terms of avoiding penalty

a memorable example of this is from his monte carlo 2023 match against zverev, where zverev broke in the second set to serve for the match. as they went to their changeover, medvedev went to the net and removed the singles stick and tossed it to the ground. the umpire went down from his chair to put it back up while exchanging some pretty light-hearted lines with medvedev. zverev laughed in a kind of bemused way, the tension of the match situation was broken and medvedev successfully broke back the next game, going on to serve for the match. medvedev wasn't even given a code violation for what he did. now, obviously I am in support of this on every level - and yes, it was creative, that's not something directly written in the rulebook. but... you could have given him a code violation for unsportsmanlike conduct. the umpire didn't. this is an even murkier zone where it does kinda cross over from outbursts of emotion to gamesmanship (something I personally like even more than the emotions)... you can push the boundaries of the rules quite successfully

and it has to be said that, like you say, application of code violations in general can be pretty arbitrary. it's not a particularly consistent system and has pretty major flaws. a lot is left to the discretion of the umpires and umpires aren't prone to changing their minds. obviously controversial officiating is hardly unique to tennis, but there really is... a lot of frustration with the system right now. disqualifications last year - one I personally felt was more justified than the other - have prompted a lot of discussion on that ground. racquet smashes get faiiiirly consistently penalised, but stuff like swearing, ball abuse and so on are way more touch-and-go. the shot clock controlling time between points is an endless source of debate. also, the system has a one size fits all approach to penalisation that like... keeps things simple but it IS an issue. you basically get one freebie and then it escalates from there in terms of penalty - except for serious offences where you get immediately disqualified. which, again, there's an argument for the simplicity, but sometimes it feels a bit weird what gets the same punishment

ofc there's also a tier of what I personally find objectionable offences. I think swearing, with the exception of slurs obviously, is like... idk man, it feels silly to penalise, it's also a bit of a pain with all the different languages and equality on THAT front and I just don't really care. racquet smashes are to me also completely unobjectionable. the only thing you are hurting is your racquet. some of these players are so obscenely rich, richer than I personally feel any individual should be, that it feels pretty silly to be talking about a racquet that costs like a hundred fifty quid. nadal needs to worry less about being respectful to his plastic sticks and worry more about paying his taxes, which to me is a considerably more important metric of moral character. also, they're funny. I like watching racquet smashes, I like rating the technique. some of them are pretty hot. I am pro-racquet smashes. ball abuse where it goes into the crowd is more ehhhhhhhhhh and if it gets near a closer target - aka part of the staff actually on the court - then like. there I DO have an issue because you are injuring someone!! how players conduct themselves with officials also exists on a spectrum - I generally am like... kinda fine with players getting feisty with chair umpires, though there too a line can be crossed, but less fine when it's for instance with a line umpire who a) is less removed from the player, and b) can't talk back. and obviously any form of physical intimidation isn't acceptable, an acapulco 2022 type situation with zverev for instance. don't do that

on penalisation, I'm not like... radically against racquet smashes and swearing being penalised, to some extent I do think it's fine that if you do those things you do get a code violation and you have to take that into account. I also think it's maybe not bad to have a few guidelines to stop things getting completely out of hand, though I would like there to maybe be room for a BIT more. if you could smash one racquet a set idk. that being said. I am not fine with those offences being placed on the same level as ball abuse for instance, I think violations that are pretty unlikely to hurt anyone should be regulated the most lightly. and what I really really REALLY don't like is that self harm is currently allowed under the rules. you aren't allowed to smash up your racquet, but you know what you are allowed to smash up? your knees. this!! feels!! insane!! to me!! it is WORSE for you to bloody yourself up as self-punishment for playing poorly than for you to break a fucking racquet!! if there's ANY instance where I'd countenance the 'won't you think of the kids' argument, then surely it's that?? like idk man, I also don't enjoy watching that, I find it pretty distressing actually - and realistically, penalising it is probably one of the best ways to stop it from happening. so like,, penalise that, get more chill about the racquets

basically I think penalisation has to be reconsidered a bit within the rules:

I think part of the issue is that... sometimes there's just offences that don't feel like they SHOULD get a proper penalty, and if it's up to the discretion of the umpire then they might just let it slide. but obviously that does lead to very unbalanced officiating. ideally I'd probably like a penalty point system that doesn't treat every offence equally, which might liberate umpires to give code violations more consistently without feeling they're having an undue impact on match outcome for something pretty minor. but also I do see how that'd be seen as unwieldy,, and I'm not sure the tennis world will be all that up for my proposal of 'four racquet smashes are fine, actually'. my argument would be: if you set up incentives that implicitly make racquet smashes less problematic than other forms of code violation, then you will make it more likely they smash their racquets than do that other stuff. you're giving them a pretty entertaining pretty safe way of releasing their emotions - and for instance ball abuse I feel would go way down. which... idk, I just think it'd be a preferable model. you're not giving them complete free reign, but you are setting up more sensible incentive structures. at the same time, I would be Fine with making penalties for ball abuse and self-harm more severe

but that's the officiating pov. in general, just as a viewer, I'm pretty fine with anything that doesn't cause physical harm. I think a lot of bad behaviour is fun to watch and spices up proceedings. I also really don't like this... conflation that goes on where tennis fans seem to equate good behaviour on the court with being a good person off it. idk man, often they really aren't related, people can be very different on the match court. just because somebody is cool and composed while playing, doesn't mean they can't be a terrible person. there's also this quasi-fetishisation of always having your feelings under control (cf nadal) which to me is just. okay congrats this is boring. again, I like it when players aren't perfect!! I also think fans are assholes sometimes - I have a complicated relationship to jeering and booing in tennis, but sometimes it's just ridiculous what kind of stuff gets an extreme negative reception. fans need to get a grip. and they need to be less judgemental... obviously this stuff becomes particularly unpleasant when it intersects with misogyny, women's emotional outbursts are always more heavily policed and stuff like the reaction to sabalenka smashing a racquet backstage post uso 2023 final is so... predictable and gross. we shouldn't even have SEEN that, give these players some privacy, but given we did see that. the reaction should have been 'good on her'. sometimes smashing a racquet... feeling an emotion, even. is fine. even in tennis

and this is what I will leave you on

toss that shit away

[columbiafawn3]

Just came home from Mecca team meeting and I’m feeling kinda jittery idky. It may also have something to do with the fact I haven’t really had any substantial meal today. Like I’ve had snacks here and there but no sit down, this is dinner meal.

I want to go downstairs and eat smth and I’m thinking maybe Singapore noodles with some frozen prawns I saw in the freezer.

I’m also here to say that I bought the eBay coat.

Total ended up being $519, which is alright but I’m still a bit annoyed cos eBay always finds something extra to charge you for.

I’m feeling quite frazzled, and I think it also has smth to do with my tax return money coming through and knowing what I should be doing with it, vs what I want to be doing with it.

I should be investing it straight away. But I want to spend it on things… the great tension of my life.

Then I’m also undecided on the Nars palette. I like the glittery idea but I also have so many Nars eyeshadows in the singles that I don’t need any more. I’m only tempted because I can get it for $30. But that’s $30 that I could spend elsewhere. I could even just ignore the palette like I’ve managed to do for the whole time it’s been out. I really don’t need a new eyeshadow palette to worry about.

Lel look at me begging myself not to buy it.

Ok I deleted the Mecca app to truly remove that temptation.

No more makeup purchases please!

I could also be jittery from sun exposure. That just occurred to me. I could have a mild case of sun stroke from my midday beach trip?

Quite possible.

Ugh I wish my mind would stop tormenting me with things to buy. I just want to live in peace.

I’m really considering just stashing the money in Raiz so I don’t have to think about it.

Actually I should book the German course. But I also need to do a placement test for that, which took a long time last time I tried. So I’ll cut out like an hour for that some time in the next two days.

I should also email the person in charge of PSYU3337 asking where and when the lectures are so I don’t miss out whilst I wait for my credit overload to be approved.

Girl has a lot to do it seems, so maybe this eyeshadow palette is a distraction from the real pressing issues of my life.

I do think I’ve been relying on the media and the internet as a way to avoid my current circumstances. Avoid the fact I’m living st jome and feeling increasingly restricted. I was even wondering about a share house today. That’s how you know I’m getting desperate.

I’m really going back and forth on this Dior backstage palette, because on one hand I love purple and I see the potential of more understated eye looks as more flattering on me, but I also see that I’ll most likely be left wanting more impact from it each time I use it. Like when I use the bronze neutrals it just feels a bit meh, so I end up reaching for the laguna quad.

Those laguna quads are actually quite slay, I must say. As much as I have myself a hard time for buying them and I’m tempted to declutter them quite often, if I want a golden or a bronze look and I want impactful glitter, then I’ll go for those two palettes. They sort of were my summer palettes whether I liked it or not. Summer unrated still has a place in my heart, but I do struggle to break out of ruts that I’ve got myself into with that palette — pairing certain colours exclusively with others etc.

Yk I long for a frosty eye look. Random, but I love the simplicity of my three MUFE single shadows being my only frosty blue options. I don’t really do blue as often as I would like because in my head it requires a lot of blending and precision, which I usually am not bothered to do unless it’s a night out.

But yeah I’m really after that frosty winter eye look recently, which is what’s drawing me to the celestial purple palette. But I could create quite a similar thing just by pairing sultan with the mufe white, couldn’t I?

Idk now I’ve got this fantasy in my head of using the Dior backstage palette on the bus to uni, feeling like an editorial fashion queen with my 9-pan travelling eyeshadow.

Maybe I’ll budget for the eyeshadow palette and earn it. Maybe that’s what it’ll be: my little reward

[northropi]

Further Character Design Rambles

I was just thinking and... Look I gotta get this off my chest because every day there's just something that makes switches what I consider my prevailing design, even for a bit. It's definitely something I've come to terms with, but still decidedly view as a problem to be mitigated, that my perception of self in regards to stuffing everything to a sona is, at best, rather fragile and, at worst, extremely impressionable.

Currently robot is winning if we go by what I think is the best measure, the one that I guess I think about more often. The Robot design has, I suppose, captured my imagination much more effectively. But that changes the instant I see a Dragon or a Dinosaur or a cool bird or a fkn Halloween decoration, if only for a little while. Like, what can I say? That design was cool too, but I think I'm moving on.

My concern, then, is if I'm just gonna always be moving on, over and over.

If this has always been a vain effort, that people are too complex to be expressed by fitting a set of themes to them, and crafting a vessel around it

To pour into this pretty little jar the ethers of their passions and their feelings and immerse them into it, what feels warm to them, what feels soft. It's a beautiful thing, but every time I've settled into one, I found myself wanting more- and quickly it all spills out.

I tell myself it's not just me being greedy, and the scary thing is that I think I'm being honest. I don't think I can just let go of some of these. Maybe I'll never be able to fit it all, and maybe I'll never be satisfied with what I can fit.

But two jars? I've seen some people manage it, but there's caveats for each one. Methods of interconnection and separation that themselves turn me off of the idea. They're good ideas, don't get me wrong, but the idea of moving from one to the next so quickly is simply unappealing to me. I've seen people explicitly set aside jars to suit their more auxiliary needs after filling the first, sometimes finding them to equalize in significance later- some make myriad jars, each one ever so slightly different, such that moving between them is painless. However, this is itself a factor in the jar that is not to my taste, as canonizing this fluidness or relationships between characters runs against a lot of what defines mine. Likewise I have to wonder if at some point those who dart from one jar to another and back again will eventually find one to settle in that they like the best, retroactively turning the lesser-used one into a trial run no different from my spirals of conceptualisation.

Still more seem almost blind to the significance of the jars to themselves as people, assembling something that is appealing, and another, and another- but none of which are truly "them." I'm no stranger to putting together jars for the sake of it, but to leave room in a jar for yourself only to fill the rest with things alien to you? That's not how I seem to work. That is, of course, the difference between a sona and a character, and in Northy, I want a single, satisfying, long-term if not lifelong example of the former. Will I be able to achieve that?

For most of the day lately, it feels like I have. But then it cracks, just a bit. Doubt is scary when you have to work this hard to even tell what you've got. And as I've strayed more and more from what I had before, I feel like I've betrayed myself, even these shells of myself that exist in my head, and to a slight degree even my friends- and would it inconvenience them if I were to back out of a decision?

look idk sometimes i wanna keep laying my scaly body on beds of treasure in a seaside cave but also i think tinkering on my mechanical form in a broad expanse of beautiful desolation is more at the heart of my vibe.

[mithliya]

i feel so bad for you with the callouts about you faking being a lesbian bc of posts you made when you were a young teen

i just found writing from when iw was 12 of me pretending to like men and it hurts so much and its so fucking stupid it was kind of like your old posts at least it was completely private

the way it was written was like me trying to force myself to feel those ways and i even remember researching like most attractive man ever to try and find a guy to act like i was attracted to all while looking at them and feeling nothing at all... and id search for like hours trying to find a boy that i felt anyting for to pretend to wajt as a boyfriend.... i never even found one! my friend told me maybe i was 'aesthetically gay'when i was like "soo im totally straight but i do not find any men attractive at all"

i just have no idea how i didnt realize earlier i wasnt attracted to men with all that bfjdmfjd

i feel u 😭 the wildest part is that post was made to paint a certain image. there’s no emphasis on the posts being primarily from 2013-2014. nothing highlighting the fact that i was literally like 14-16 in ALL of the posts (and that the person who was calling me out is calling 15 year old me a whore / slut for what r obviously jokes. if i as a 15 year old managed to have sex 500 times with 420 men while in an long distance “relationship”… wouldn’t that be indicative of something rly insidious? like they’re obviously not legitimate numbers & were me exaggerating ridiculously bc i didn’t want to answer such questions. i didn’t know if my rapist / rape counted. i was dissociated through a lot of it). the wildest part is she intentionally ignored all the posts highlighting what ive been saying: i was literally on substances a lot of the time when in that guy’s vicinity. i considered him a friend and didn’t want a relationship but then gave in after he kept insisting we were together & facing other pressure and he was giving me substances to get my guard down & be able to do things to me. i even made posts back then saying “idk if i like guys at all or if im into girls or if i like anyone” and talking about how i don’t understand attraction and don’t feel love. i talked about the guy making me cry all the time (& would then downplay it and act like i cry over everything) and there’s hints that i was attempting suicide and on sedatives the day our “relationship” started (which was the day he decided we were in a relationship. i repeatedly said i don’t want it) and drunk + had repeatedly tried to kill myself the day i lost my virginity (if that even counts. maybe the time i was raped is when i lost it? who knows.). and when asked why i won’t leave or when id defend him it’s almost always “he’s the only person who’s there for me” “im scared”… never “i love him” or “im attracted to him” or anything of the sort. i was baffled going thru the blog bc i didn’t realise there were so many hints that it was unwanted. etc etc etc. no wonder when i finally ended it and refused to back down (had to do it repeatedly for like 6 months) he immediately said “is it bc you’re a lesbian?” 😐.

also yeah sadly the only diff between me and the Real Lesbians trying to argue im lying about my sexuality is that their closeted shenanigans isnt available for everyone to look at and analyse and pick apart. their trauma isn’t there on display for people to call them liars and partake in abuse apologism with. but this whole thing has only confirmed to me that my truth remains my truth & my story. it was pretty upsetting seeing how i was somehow so aware of my lack of attraction to men but so in denial of it at the same time. and it made me realise that that whole portion of my life might’ve been even worse than i remembered. i remember the suicide attempts but i didn’t realise how often i was out of it.

ALSO anon that’s such a mood. i did a lot of the same stuff 💀

[earlgreytea68]

Do you see yourself getting “done” with writing fic or musings about FOB anytime soon? I’m a fan of your fantastic writing from your Sherlock days, and nearly died of glee when you found FOB as they’re my longtime favourite band. In much the same way I tried to steel myself in the lengthy post-M A N I A years for the possibility of no more new FOB, I’m steeling myself against the possibility you’ll find a new preferred fandom…either way, I love your thoughts and the words you use to share them.

Awww thank you so much! I'm so glad that I managed to tumble from Sherlock into a fandom you loved! I feel like most of my poor readers just get dragged from place to place with me!

I can honestly never predict, like, when I'll feel "done" with a fandom. With Doctor Who and Sherlock, the shows did it for me, by finally annoying me enough that I didn't really want to write in them anymore. But I have no idea why I got "done" with Inception. Like, it's not like anything *happened.* Inspiration is unpredictable for me. Tbh, I hate it. Like, when I'm loving something and I'm loving writing something, I want to just keep it just like it is forever. I hate anticipating a time when I won't feel like writing it anymore. Tbh, this is why I write so much and so quickly. I always feel like I'm writing against a ticking clock and I have no idea how much time is left on it, and can I make sure that I get everything out before I lose interest? In a little bit of fairness to me? I think? I don't feel like I switch fandoms all that often. Like, once I get in one I tend to settle down and stay there for a while. But i never have any idea how long the stay will be and it's as distressing for me in its own way as it is for all of you!

Right now I'm enjoying FOB so much and that's really nice so I'm just letting myself enjoy it. And I miss writing them a lot a lot, since I'm supposed to be editing so I'm not allowed to write, and I want to write them so badly. So that's a good thing and I hope it stays that way, I really, really, do, I really WANT it to. Honestly, it's nice to have the album cycle underway and this band actually, like, doing stuff? That's been nice and energetic hahahaha

I will say, though, because I'm procrastinating editing but I'm not allowed to write anything new, I've been procrastinating by reading over my old stuff, and I saw a Tumblr post about fics where one of the characters almost dies and inspires confessions of love, and I was like, "That's how Lucky starts," so I just re-read Lucky and...Lucky is so good! hahahah I know it's obnoxious for me to say about something that I wrote but I read it and was like, Arthur and Eames are *lovely* together, what a sweet and lovely story, there was really no reason for me to grow tired of writing them, except that I did, Idk. Just inexplicable sigh, my whims.

Incidentally, I was struck by how much Arthur and Eames are very much NOT Pete and Patrick. Like, I was trying to imagine Patrick keeping Pete alive if he was hit by a bullet during a deal gone wrong in Nicaragua and I was like, ...yeah, Patrick couldn't pull this off, Patrick's no Arthur lollolol. Good thing Eames was with Arthur and not Patrick. Really, when I wrote that Inception/FOB crossover, it would have been absolutely hilarious imagining how terrible Pete Wentz would have been at dreamsharing, no wonder I made him the client instead lol (Also, is Pete, like, actually BOTH Arthur and Eames? Like, both the flirty ridiculous character AND the incredibly competent character????)