#and a few months ago i remembered it and wanted to do it too

[parfaitblogs]

hard times ❀ s. reid x reader

in which spencer reid doesn’t follow through one time, and you really hate that he has a psychology degree.

pairing: spencer reid x fem!reader genre: hurt/comfort tags: daddy issues. shoutout to the girls with inconsistent fathers this ones for you. established relationship. readers mentioned wearing makeup, a dress and heels. rational bf!spencer reid fuck i would hate a profiler bf. word count: 1.8k a/n: not a trauma dump fic not a vent fic do not read into this fic at all don't even start to speculate on my life and where these emotions came from they're all fake made up not real make pretend. no photos no aesthetics just me, a tumblr account, and a dream for this baddie.

In all your months of dating Spencer Reid, he had never forgotten anything. Not a date, not a work event. Or, at least, he's never forgotten to call. Even when you had been so busy one week you could barely spare him more than a ten minute phone call a day, he remembered what was going on in your life enough to be there for you. 

A false blanket of security draped over your relationship, is what it is now. 

A blanket he seemingly had no trouble ripping off you a random Friday evening, throwing it in a fire and watching it — and your trust in him — burn into dust. 

Perhaps a tad dramatic for what was happening, but you were always one for theatrics when it came to your emotions. Usually, he welcomed it. He was (abashedly) similar, after all.

Not that he was even here to welcome it. 

You'd looked pretty. You'd felt pretty. Past tense, for your shoes were strewn somewhere across the floor after throwing them in frustration, and your makeup was ruined after unwelcome tears had streamed down your face an hour ago. You had been ready for a dinner date you and Spencer had scheduled in only three days ago — penciled in, for you never knew what his work schedule was going to end up being.

You're not sure how long you sat in that one spot on the couch, mind going through every single possible scenario that could've happened between the text he sent you that morning saying he was excited to go out tonight, and the lack of his appearance this evening. 

The logical conclusion is that he got too busy, and he forgot. But Spencer Reid's whole thing is that he doesn't forget. Oftentimes he considers it a curse. You never really agreed with him. Until now, it seemed. 

The less than logical, emotionally driven conclusion, is that he actively chose to stay at work to avoid coming home because he didn't want to see you. Or he didn't actually want to go to dinner, and he didn't know how to tell you. Or his team offered to go out and he'd rather hang out with them instead of you. 

Really, the reasons are endless, and any rational conclusion was lost on you. Mind swallowing you whole as you continued to stare off into space, visibly shaking and head beginning to pound from the crying.

A glance at the clock told you it was near midnight by the time you heard the door handle rattle and twist open, tired, puffy eyes blinking to adjust to the light filtering in from the apartment hallway. 

"Hey. Why're you out here? It's late. I thought you'd already be in bed," Spencer rambles absentmindedly, voice so disconnected from you it only made the ache in your chest worse. As he flicks the light on and assesses the state of the apartment, he asks, "What're your shoes doing on the floor?"

You blink a few times. Was he pretending to be dumb on purpose? 

You stand on cramped legs, stretching them for the first time since you'd sat unknowingly on the couch nearly six hours ago, dress bunching around your waist. You didn't bother to fix it. 

Like a switch, he clicks, his bag sliding off his shoulder and falling to the floor with a thud, realisation settling into his features. 

"Our date. Oh, God, I'm so sorry, angel."

"Yeah. I'm sure," you croak, voice hoarse as you pick up your shoes pathetically in front of him, the heels clacking together as you walk towards your bedroom door. 

He calls your name, and after you make no effort to return to him, you hear his feet against the wooden flooring, carrying himself to you.

You're in the ensuite, beginning to take makeup off you probably should've removed four hours ago. It was stupid hope you held on to, anyways. 

"You're upset. I know. It was awful of me to forget our date," he stands in the doorway, staring at you through the mirror. Even indirectly, you can't make eye contact with him. 

"You forgot," you repeat back to him, almost dumbfounded. "You forgot?"

"Forgot isn't... the best word," his fingers dig into his eyes for a split second, and you watch him think. "I got caught up at work. We had a case, then we didn't have a case, then we did, so we started looking into it, and time just... escaped. From all of us."

"Time just escaped."

Your parroting wasn't doing much to further the conversation, and you watch as Spencer averts his gaze to the floor to take a deep breath, before his eyes land back on you again.

"It isn't the best reason, I know. But it's the truth," he says. 

"Uh-huh," you mumble, discarding your cotton pads stained with your makeup into the trash. 

"Can you stop being evasive?" he catches your wrist before you can return to the sink. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?" you ask, almost earnestly. "It's okay that you forgot, Spencer. I won't take it personally at all, and things between us are just dandy!"

"I want to know what you're actually feeling," he replies, voice flat with his irritation, before he forces himself to soften it. "I can't reassure you if all I know is that you're angry."

"Hurt. Forgotten. Disregarded. Disliked. Irritated we're doing this in our fucking bathroom."

At that, he leads you into the bedroom, turning the ensuite light off. "Forgotten and disregarded are synonyms, so I'm assuming that's what you feel the most."

"You're the psyche expert," you mumble, bitterly.

"I'm not trying to be your psyche expert," he quips, and your heart sinks. "Why're you feeling forgotten?"

You stare at him, dumbfounded, for a beat. "Because my boyfriend quite literally forgot about me?"

"I didn't forget about you—"

"—No, you're right. You just forgot about the date that you literally fucking texted me about this morning!" you snap, voice rising in a way that makes you cringe. Yet, you can't stop it. "You! Spencer Reid! Forgot!"

"Don't yell at me, please," he takes a step towards you; you take a step back. 

"Why did you forget? Did you choose to? Are you pretending that you forgot about it all to save your ass?"

"No," he pinches the bridge of his nose. "I didn't. I told you what happened. You're choosing not to believe me."

"How am I meant to believe that? It's a shit excuse—"

"—It's the truth—"

"—God, you can lie, Spencer! Men lie!" 

He goes silent, as do you. You become trapped in an uncomfortably intense staring contest with him, as you watch his brain slowly tick over and decipher what you were saying, and come up with a response. Yours, however, splits open with your own self hatred. Disdain for what you had just said to him.

"Okay," he exhales, very slowly. "I'm going to tell you what I think, and you can tell me how right I am."

"You're going to profile me?"

He pauses. "I'm sure it'll come off that way. I'm not trying to," when you don't protest again, he continues. "I think you're less upset about the fact that I didn't come home for a date, and more about the fact that I didn't message you about it. I've not shown up for dates before. I've always contacted you prior to let you know. And I've promised I would always contact you if something came up that interfered with our plans. Ultimately, I said I would do something, and I didn't follow through. That is on me, and I'm sorry. What isn't on me, is how you're reacting. Which is childish, honey. You're acting like a petulant child, and I don't mean that as an insult, because I'm almost certain I know why."

Your silence is his cue to continue, but he pauses to collect his thoughts. Your lower lip is beginning to wobble, and he feels awful.

"You know how our childhoods affect us," he says, and the second what he's about to say to you clicks in your brain, your teeth clamp over your lip, and your eyes drop to the ground. "Reactions from parents to things we do, things others do, things they do, all builds up in our subconscious. Having a parent who didn't show up for you time and time again, built up in your subconscious. So yes, you're reacting to me not following through with something childishly. I will not take that back. But that reaction is not your fault. It's in response to a trigger, and the person in control of that emotional response is not adult you. It's the little girl who got let down by her father. I won't ever hold that against you."

Your sniffle breaks the deafening silence that follows his tangent. You allow him to envelop you into a hug, at which you break down into a fit of sobs akin to the ones from earlier. 

"I hate you," you stutter out in between sobs, voice muffled by his chest. 

"You can't say that while hugging me," he counters. It was true, as your hands had wrapped around his waist just seconds ago.

"I hate you," you repeat, punctuating your words with a poke to his back. 

"I love you," he replies, instead. His fingers thread through your hair as he cradles your head with his other hand. "I'm sorry I didn't contact you about being busy."

You swallow the lodged sob in your throat with a hiccup. "I'm sorry I acted like a petulant child. And I'm sorry that my dad sucks."

"I'm sorry your dad sucks too," you feel him kiss the top of your head. "Have you eaten?"

"Mm-mm," you shake your head, and he pulls back, hands slipping down to your cheeks, catching the tears. 

"Do you want to eat?"

"The restaurant we were going to is closed," you mumble.

"Maybe. But the Thai place isn't."

"I'm pretty sure it is," you counter, and his eyebrows furrow. "It's past midnight now."

His face falls, he waits a beat, before his hand drops to your own, and he's tugging you towards the door of the bedroom. "Okay. Fine. Well, the Spencer Reid Kitchen is never closed."

"I asked for pasta last night and you said the kitchen was closed."

"You asked at three in the morning," he deadpans, as you make yourself comfortable on one of the stools. 

"The Spencer Reid Kitchen is never closed," you mock his voice from earlier.

"The Spencer Reid Kitchen rules are made by Spencer Reid."

"The rules should be lenient of Spencer Reid's girlfriend."

"Do you want pasta or not?"

"Yes," you quickly say with a firm nod. "Sorry."

He spends the first hour of that Saturday making you pasta; and making up the missed date.

your reblogs and replies are always appreciated ♡

[cjlouwho]

This got a little long winded, so it gets its own post. The story you are about to read is based off of this poll. These are your choices.

Tommy was pretty sure he'd never felt a headache like this before. He wasn't prone to migraines, but he'd seen his mother suffer with them and this... well, this might be worse.

He squeezed his eyes shut, groaning as a wave of nausea fell over him.

It wasn't just his head that hurt. It was his whole body.

Damn, he hadn't been this sick in... well, ever.

His body shook with chills. There was a heaviness in his chest that had him turning his head to the side and choking out a hard cough.

Once he finally settled, that heaviness still there, he slowly let out a raspy breath.

Pudding.

He wanted pudding.

That was odd. He used to crave pudding as a child. Every time he got sick, he would request a pudding cup. And that's what he wanted right now.

Maybe he still had one in the fridge. He'd kept a few things there for Jee back when- Well, he had some kid foods that had been sitting in his fridge for a couple months now. Surely, the pudding would still be fine.

If only he could get out of bed.

He made a mental note to order a new mattress. This one had lasted him quite a few years, but he was definitely feeling the lumps today. It was hard and painful and poked into his back.

“God, this sucks,” he breathed out, blinking his bleary eyes open and... oh.

This wasn't right.

He wasn't at home. Wasn't in his bed.

And the heaviness in his chest was actually on his chest.

That's when the memories came flooding back to him. Going for a flight on his day off. Wanting to clear his head and get his thoughts in order.

He couldn't panic. He needed to maintain focus.

That was hard to do when his brain was all jumbled.

He remembered his phone was... somewhere.

Shirt pocket! That was it!

Carefully, and painfully, he reached up and pulled out the phone.

Miraculously, it was still in one piece. Besides a few cracks to the screen, it seemed to be working fine.

He stared at the screen. The default background that was once a picture of him and Evan.

It hurt to breathe. Hurt to think. He knew he probably didn't have that much time. Not with the way this heavy piece of metal pressed against his body.

So, with fuzzy eyes, Tommy went to his contacts, hovering his finger over the name before pressing down.

“Hello?”

“H- Hey. Long time, n- no talk.”

“Tommy? What's up? Are you okay?”

Tommy huffed out a laugh. “I... Well, that's a loaded question.”

“You sound weird. What's wrong?”

“I wanted to a- apologize to you.” With a grimace, he swallowed down what was definitely blood.

“For what?”

“For everything.”

There was a pause, then, “Did you do something stupid?”

“Not intentionally,” he deadpanned. “Listen, I- I kinda got into an accident and I...” his voice trailed off as he went into a coughing fit. The movement sent a pain shooting from his leg to his back. “Damn it!” he yelled.

“Tommy! Tommy, talk to me. What do you mean you got in an accident?”

“No, it- it doesn't matter. I just wanted t- to apologize for the way I left you.”

“You apologized for that years ago, Tommy. Tell me what happened so I-”

“Abby!” he exclaimed, the hunk of metal over him creaked as it lowered slightly. “I don't... I just need to apologize. I- you loved me, didn't you?”

“Yeah, I did. Car crash, or were you flying?”

“F- Flying. I loved you too. Not... Not the same though. Sorry.”

He could hear her mumbling something to someone else, then she was back on the line. “I'm calling 911 with Sam's phone. Stay on the line with me, Tommy. Are you in LA?”

“Mhm. Do- Don't think I made it far. Abby, listen, I didn't... I didn't mean to hurt you. I was so s- scared of- of everything.”

“Do you see anything around you? Any indicators for where you are? They're working on pinging your phone.”

When Tommy turned his head to the side, all he could see was trees. “Woods. I think. Can't see much. I was dating th- this guy.”

“Can you tell me where you're hurt? Are you bleeding anywhere?”

“Oh, for sure. But A- Abby, I didn't m- mean to hurt you.”

“Focus, please. Where are you bleeding?”

“Head. Leg. Mouth. Kinda e- everywhere. I was dating th- this guy,” Tommy sucked in a shaky breath, a rattling in his lungs. “Your guy, actually. O- Our guy?”

“Tommy, I think you're getting confused. I-”

“No, no. Evan. Buckley, Ev- Buck. Him.”

There was silence on the other end of the line.

“Hello?”

“No, I'm here. I- You're dating Buck?”

“Was dating Buck. I- I ended it. I'm c- cold.”

“Help is on the way, Tommy, just stay with me. You broke up with Buck. Why?”

“Remember wh- when we went to karaoke nights? Th- That was fun, wasn't it?”

Abby sighed. “It was, but that's not what we're talking about.”

“Wh- What was the song we us- used to sing?”

“You were a big Queen fan. I Want to Break Free. Shoulda known,” she mumbled.

Tommy laughed, but it quickly turned into a coughing fit, where blood bubbled up in his mouth.

“Tommy! Tommy, stay calm, okay. Turn your head a little so you don't choke.”

Tommy listened, spitting out the blood before he continued. “We should karaoke again.”

“I don't think that's gonna happen. Tell me about Buck.”

“Evan.” Tears filled in Tommy's eyes and he tried his hardest to blink them away. “We were t- together six months and it all f- fell apart.”

“Why?”

“He wanted... wanted me to move in. Can you b- believe that?”

“Yeah, actually, I can,” she answered. “Buck likes to attach and you're, well, attachable.”

“No. No, I'm not.”

“You haven't changed much, Tommy. You didn't seem to think you were worthy when we were together either.”

Tommy's eyebrows furrowed. Down his back he could feel the sensation of more blood dripping from his neck. “What d- do you mean?”

“The whole time we were together it felt like you were waiting for a bomb to drop.”

“That probably had to do with the whole being gay thing.”

“Mm,” she hummed. “Maybe. Don't think so though. Hang on a second.”

He looked up at the hunk of metal trapping him in place. “Nowhere to go.”

Tommy closed his eyes while he waited. He wasn't sure how much time passed, but the next thing he remembered, Abby was yelling in his ear. “-mmy! Tommy, talk to me!”

“Wha- I'm here, I'm here. God, you're l- loud.”

“And you're an ass. If I was there I'd smack you on the back of the head.”

“That would hurt,” he replied. “With the gaping wound an- and all the blood.”

“Back to Buck. Why'd you say no to moving in?”

“I own a home.”

“And?”

Tommy thought for a moment. “I- I wasn't enough for you, Abby. Couldn't be.”

“Mhm.”

“I hurt you. Didn't m- mean to, but I did. I saw- I saw it in your eyes, when I left, I... You loved me, and I couldn't... I'm sorry.”

“Is that why you left?” Abby asked. “You were afraid Buck would do the same thing to you?”

“I really...” he couldn't stop the tears now. His chest heaved in the little space it had left. “I really loved him, Abby, and I- I saw what I did to you and I couldn't. I just co- co- couldn't-”

“Okay, okay, Tommy, I need you to stay calm, okay? Listen, the dispatcher is telling me that the 118 is close to you. So you stay calm and you talk to me!”

“O- Okay.” He tried to calm his breathing the best he could, but the rattle persisted. He knew that didn't mean anything good. Each breath got a little harder, the blood continued to flow down his neck, and he was pretty sure something was sticking through his leg.

“Did you tell him how you felt?”

“He didn't... He never said it. That he loved me.”

“Did you?”

“No.”

“Maybe he was waiting on you. Did you think of that?”

“I think...” He just wanted to close his eyes. Nothing made sense, the cold feeling was fading, he was going numb. “I think I- I'm dying, Abby.”

“No! Listen to me, Tommy! They're close to you! I need you to make a noise. Let them know where you are. You hear me?! Call for help, Tommy.”

“Abb-”

“Call for help!”

Tommy groaned, more blood coming up in his throat. He managed to move one arm just enough for his hand to knock on the door of the chopper. “H- Here!” he yelled, banging on the door as hard as he could manage. “I- I'm here!”

Abby listened over the phone as the 118 arrived on scene. She could only make out bits and pieces.

“Tommy, can.... me? Talk to... There ya go! We got a...”

“What about the...”

“Hey. Hey, we're here, Tommy. Just focus on... and we'll get ya out, okay?”

“He's losing too... gotta get that off now!”

“Tommy, you look at me! We will... you just gotta promise me you'll... Promise?”

She waited, holding her breath until she heard his voice, just a touch above a whisper. “Promise.”

Things got quieter for a bit, then she heard voices again, so she yelled, “Hey! Hey, pick up the phone! Someone pick it up!”

“H- Hello?”

“Buck, is that you?”

“Yeah, Abby, it- it's me,” he answered, his voice practically shaking. “Maddie said y- you were on the line with him.”

“Is he...?”

“He's alive. We're following the ambulance to the hospital.”

“How bad?”

She could hear Buck sniffling through the line. “I don't know how he's alive, Abby,” he admitted, lip trembling. “It looks like this thing has been through a compactor.”

“And Tommy?”

"Has a gash on the back of the head, concussion, broken ribs, a pretty big piece of glass through his leg, definitely some internal bleeding. He... Chim says he should make it, but we- we barely got here in time. He might've... if he wasn't talking to you he probably...” He couldn't even bring himself to say the words.

“Hey, don't think about that now. He's gonna be fine. That's what matters.”

“Yeah.” Buck ran a hand over his eyes as he nodded. “Yeah, you're right.”

“I'll let you go, Buck, but let me know when he's stable, okay?”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks, Abby.”

“Of course. Oh, and Buck!” she quickly added before he could hangup.

“Yeah?”

“I know the guy pretty well. He loves you. He's just not great at being loved.”

“A- Abby-”

“Don't give up on him. He's worth it.” Before Buck could get in another word, she hung up.

*****

The next time Tommy opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed.

Evan was beside him, staring down at an empty cup in his hands. Tommy figured he must've sensed the staring, because soon enough Buck was meeting his eyes. “You're awake,” he said, eyebrows rising.

“I-” Tommy cleared his throat. “I think so, yeah.”

“There's been a couple wake ups that didn't quite stick,” Buck explained, standing to grab cup of water. He put the straw to Tommy's mouth and had him take a sip. “Slowly,” he instructed. “Don't want you choking.”

Tommy took a few sips, then settled back in the bed. “How long was I out for?”

“Almost four days.”

Tommy's eyes widened. “You.. You haven't been here the whole time?” he asked. “Have you?”

Buck nodded. “Three nurses have tried to drag me out of here. All have failed.”

Tommy hoped the monitor didn't show how fast his heart felt like it was beating. “Wh- Why? Why'd you stay?”

Buck smiled, wrapping his shaky hand around Tommy's. “A mutual friend of ours told me you were worth it,” he said, his eyes glistening with tears. “I just so happen to agree.”

[andcars]

ㅤ [ 𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗪𝗘 𝗗𝗢 ]

premise. the media makes twists and turns of everything they see. to be fair, it's not like it's easy to explain your story to them. you just know you're quite satisfied to where you end up at the present

prompt # ㅤdominant carlos sainz, submissive oscar piastri, lLeaked sex tape, body worship, reader is a celebrity, pregnancy, power imbalance, baby fever [ "Wait, you’re famous?" + "Remember your safe word, I’m not fucking stopping" + “You wanted to be seen? You wanted to be caught? You’re so fucking turned on right now” ] tags #ㅤanonymous/masked sex, non-linear story wc #ㅤ 1.6k

ㅤㅤFEEL FREE TO INBOX ME FOR THOUGHTS OR REQUESTS !

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Over a year ago, there were cheating scandals everywhere including the three of you. You cheated on Carlos. Carlos cheated on you—and he’s gay! Oscar is a homewrecker. Oscar is also gay. The whole thing blew up into one explosion only to set off another one. It wasn’t possible if not for Oscar’s greatly dumb ideas that you all thought was funny at the time. Too funny, even.

A YEAR AGO AND A FEW MONTHS AGO

“You’re so fucking wet—” Carlos groaned, your pussy clenching on his cock that rams ruthless inside of you. Both his hands are grasping your tits. His grip is tight and you can feel his nails digging into your skin. “So fucking good for me,  cariño. Your body is so perfect, taking me in—like—this!” 

He was not kind. It was the opposite of the soft kisses trailing on your neck, the caresses on your hips, and the little moans on your skin. Oscar is breathing heavily, acting like he’s the one fucking—or getting fucked, you know he wouldn’t mind—in the situation. He moaned loudly when you do, looking into your eyes as Carlos is going faster and reaches deep inside of you.

The contrast of the two was almost disorienting. Carlos suddenly pulled out and you then noticed you came. “Go on top of Oscar. I want you facing him as I fuck you—Oscar keep your hands to yourself, I don’t want you touching anyone without my permission.”

Oscar nodded because that’s the only thing he’s allowed to do. You’re flipped to your front and lay limp on Oscar. He’s slightly sat against the headboard, your head ending up on his stomach as Carlos pulls you down on your cock. With a too-easy glide in your oversensitive pussy, he continued fucking you. The new position lets Oscar’s cock grind against your tits. He’s moaning and writhing subtly, panting as Carlos’ thrusts were powerful enough to give him the right friction. It didn’t give him release but it give him something.

“Look at the camera, cariño,” Carlos turned your head, “I want everyone to see your face when you cum.” You whined, wanting to look away but the red blinking of the camera got you focused. You almost felt everyone watching you then. “Fuck. Do you know how turned on you are? So wet. So—... you just wanna be fucked by us in front of everyone. So perverted.” He slapped your ass and didn’t stop until he reached his goal.

By the end of the night, you’re an incoherent mess. There’s drool on Oscar’s hips, cum overflowing your pussy and painting your tits, and your head is still too stuck on pleasure to process that it’s over. You’d say it was the best fuck you guys have but that was in Mexico last year. The two of them were on a high back then.

The squelch of your pussy is obscene. Carlos groans as he pulls his cock out, probably watching it drip down until he shoves his fingers to keep it all in. “How was it?” he asked, pretending as if he didn’t know you just fucked him that good. The heavy groan that fell from your mouth was enough for him, it made him laugh. 

“Okay then. With the footage… are we still..?”

Before he could get anything, you pulled Oscar to lay beside you and finally finish him off. He didn’t need to given permission to Carlos. Oscar was caught off guard and came all over your hand—”Shit!” he says, “I’m… Would’ve liked a warning at least.”

“Mhm,” You can barely form a single thought. “Just wanted everyone to be happy.”

“Clean up first, sweetheart,” Carlos kissed your head, patting your shoulders before hoisting you up. “I’m sure it’ll take.”

TWO YEARS AGO, GIVE OR TAKE

In the club, no one actually has a face. It’s like the rule of the place. You’re drawn in to the same masks over and over again though. Every other week, you see someone wear the ghoul and the gargoyle looking masks, all on different bodies and in different companies. However, there was a duo that consists of a ghoul and a gargoyle that caught your attention multiple times before. It seems like you’ve captured theirs as well.

On Mondays, there was a chance you will see them. On Mondays, you get to be fucked by both of them. The gargoyle is more experienced, fucks you with precision, takes the room in his control. Your hare mask was often pulled up just so that he could see the way you drool all over his cock. It should be against the rules but you never found yourself saying no to him

The ghoul, however, hovers above you and waits for permission. He will whisper praises, he will moan alongside you, he will look at the gargoyle and you like that both of you are the only things that give him joy in life. You don’t know how much that’s true.

It’s the seventh time you three meet, the first time that your masks will be taken off. It comes as a whim as the gargoyle takes the ghoul’s mask off—the other was surprised. You were surprised too. He looked… young. He had soft features and doe eyes. He looked nervous when he looked at you, almost as if he was scared that you would run away after looking at his face. He no longer feared anything when you took yours off too, pulling him into a passionate kiss.

“Do you still remember your safe word?” The gargoyle asks, his hands caressing your body. When a sharp thrust fills your pussy in one go, you’re pulled away from the kiss. He looks as if he’s enjoying your face a lot. “Don’t say stop, please, wait, if you think it’s going to do something. Say red or nothing at all, because I won’t fucking stop.”

He keeps his promise. The both of you are at his control, doing anything whatever he wants you to do. It's dizzying. All the demands and the pressure coming from him is something you wanna cherish forever. You can’t imagine anyone else to be experiencing this with. Not with how heavy his hands are, how deep his voice is, how the ghoul moans with even the littlest pleasure to him, how the ghoul grinds himself on your body and fucks your mouth desperately. This was something that was irreplaceable.

The gargoyle wore his mask until the very end. But when you came, he took his off to eat you out. He’s… mesmerizing. His eyes look fiercer without the cover of the mask. His messy long hair curls over his head as you grip on it for some control. He lets you. You’re being fucked on his tongue and all you can do is admire both of their faces for the first time.

It’s funny how you didn’t know they were Formula 1 drivers until you see their faces plastered on a poster. It was not like that mattered anyways. Your face was just across theirs on a concert advertisement. You have a date with the both of them tonight, you can admire their faces up close.

PRESENT TIME

You told the both of them long ago that you make music. They’ve seen the numbers on your Spotify. You don’t know why they’re acting so surprised when they arrive to the stadium. It’s still pretty empty except for the production crew preparing the things. You’re still comfortable in your pyjamas when you arrive with the three. They’re wearing the same comfortable clothes as you but for some reason, they’re acting too shy.

“I feel like I should change,” says Oscar, running a palm over his plain shirt and shorts. “Like I thought it was gonna be like… a more open and smaller venue?”

“Just say you don’t google me and move on, Oscar,” you laugh. He tries to say something but you’re being led down to the tech room. You have to help make sure all the right tracks are going to be played at a decent volume—not too loud but enough to be heard by everyone at a decent . Oscar and Carlos doesn’t seem to be sure of their positions.

This goes on for a few hours. You are dragged away endless times and they’re left following in your heels. Only when you told them to wait in the dressing room did they actually calm a little. Of course, that's until the fans came.

“Did you see how many people are outside?” Carlos asked, just having come back from behind the stage. “It’s completely full. You can still hear them all from here.” They're singing one of your songs, it's pretty clear from here.

“I’m happy that I bought mufflers for the little guy.” Oscar smiles. You smile too. The three of them have absolutely made your year. You look at your son in Oscar's arms, all wrapped around and ears fully covered. You made sure that the volume was all set. This was a bad idea, just like leaking that stupid sex tape just to keep all the journalists off your asses. Who the fuck beings their kid to a concert?

Carlos notices your worry lines. “Don’t worry. If she cries, we'll leave. We just can’t not attend your concert, okay? We know you’ve been busy recovering, so we want you to enjoy. Understood?” He’s kind. He’s kind when he’s not fucking you in bed, at least. It's really nice. Carlos smiles at you and kisses your forehead, patting your back.

When you leave, you briefly hear Oscar asks—”Is it bad that I never actually googled her once?”

Carlos, the saint, says, “She likes that. Same thing why she doesn’t know what a DRS is.”

@Delululeclerc @hiireadstuff @bicchaan

FOOTNOTE ────── first fic of the new year baby! hope ya'll try with me cuz ur boy is actually burning out lol. but this was nice to write n so I hope ya'll still enjoy :3

[urfavlarry]

Doomsday

Seok-woo x fem!reader warning. swearing, not proof read, no happy ending

A/N. rewatched train to busan a few days ago and I just thought of this and wanted to write it out!

You had worked for Seok-woo for as long as you could remember. You were probably there even before he was blessed with his beautiful little girl, Su-an. She had a way of melting your heart effortlessly, much like her father had managed to do over the years, though you'd never admit it. Not out loud, at least.

It was a shameful thing to feel. You, a grown, intelligent, and self-sufficient person, were in love with a man who has a wife. Or, well... had a wife until just a few months ago.

You'd seen how the divorce affected him, but it was Su-an who suffered the most. Her bright, contagious smile had dimmed, replaced by a sadness far too heavy for a child to carry. You tried your best to bring it back whenever she came to the office with her dad on the less hectic days. Whether it was through little jokes, snacks, or just letting her draw all over the unused papers and documents you were sure you’d never need.

Seok-woo noticed, of course. He always did. "You’re too good to us," he'd said more than once, half-smiling in that soft way that made your chest tighten.

Today was one of those days when Su-an had tagged along. She was sitting quietly in your office, flipping through the stack of magazines you kept on the coffee table for guests. Her small hands delicately turned the pages, her big eyes wide with fascination. "A little birdie told me it’s someone’s special day today," you teased with a playful smirk, pulling open your desk drawer to retrieve the small, neatly wrapped gift you had tucked away a week ago.

The girl looked up at you, curious, setting the magazine aside as you extended the gift toward her. Her wide eyes sparkled with surprise and excitement. Just as she reached for it, the door opened. “Morning,” you greeted automatically, your tone warm as Seok-woo stepped inside. His expression was a mix of relief and mild irritation, likely from rushing to drop off an urgent client file before picking Su-an up. “Morning, [Name]. I hope she wasn’t too much trouble,” he said, his voice carrying that clipped efficiency you’d come to know.

His gaze shifted to the box in Su-an’s hands, his eyebrows raising slightly. “You got her a gift?” “Of course,” you replied with a small laugh, brushing off the question as though it were nothing. “She’s been a sweetheart, as always. You know I don’t mind having her around. Though…” You glanced at Su-an with a teasing grin. “I’m not sure she’ll like it.”

“I’m sure I’ll love it!” Su-an piped up, her small voice full of determination as she started tugging at the ribbon. You shared a smile with her father as you both watched her carefully unwrap the present, revealing a set of colored pencils and a thick sketchbook.

The reaction was immediate, and a bit expected. “Oh my gosh! It’s perfect!” she exclaimed, holding it up like a treasure. “Thank you so much!” “She’s been doodling on all my reports lately,” Seok-woo muttered under his breath, though there was no real bite in his words. You caught the faint twitch of a smile tugging at his lips. “She’s creative,” you quipped, ignoring the smirk he gave you. “Now she has her own space for it.”

Before Su-an could dive into her new gift, Seok-woo glanced at his watch. “We should get going. Her mother wants her by tonight. Something about her recital.” His tone was carefully neutral, but the slight stiffness in his posture was hard to miss.

Su-an’s excitement visibly faded. She clutched the sketchbook close to her chest but didn’t argue. The silence was heavy, but you stepped in, as you always did. “Su-an,” you said softly, crouching to her level, “don’t forget to fill at least one page before you leave, okay? I want to see what you create next time.” Her lips quirked into a small smile, and she nodded. “Okay. I promise.”

Seok-woo offered a brief but genuine “Thank you” as they left your office. You watched them go, a pang in your chest you couldn’t quite ignore. You couldn’t help but worry about both of them—how fractured their lives had become and how much weight they carried in silence.

That evening, everything changed.

It started as a last-minute phone call. Seok-woo, his voice uncharacteristically urgent, asked if you could meet them at the station. “Su-an wants to take the early train to Busan,” he explained hurriedly. “Her mom’s there, and I promised I’d get her there by morning but I forgot..” You tuned out the rest of what he said, answering with no hesitation in your response. “Of course. I’ll be there.”

You arrived at the station with a bag of snacks and supplies, something told you they might need it. When you spotted Seok-woo and Su-an on the crowded platform, you waved, smiling as Su-an ran to greet you. “Are you coming with us?” she asked hopefully, clutching your hand. Seok-woo frowned slightly but didn’t protest. “It might actually be good to have you along,” he admitted after a pause. “Just in case.”

You didn’t realize how ominous those words would soon feel.

Everything spiralled into chaos, news of an outbreak causing great panic all over Korea. You were lucky enough to get away from every danger you were faced with, always having Su-an’s safety on your mind before anything else.

In a state of panic and overwhelming emotions you couldn’t quite control, you pulled Seok-woo into a hug, almost seeming desperate as you clung to him like a lost child; however to your surprise, he returned the hug with just as much desperation. Something inside you instantly clicked as you pulled him away from the little group you’ve gathered over the many carts full of infected monsters; a pregnant lady and her husband.. their names being Seong-kyeong and Sang-hwa, at least you think.

Seok-woo looked at you with confusion as you took a deep breath, your hands shaking with nervousness and especially adrenaline. “Seok-woo, I know you absolutely do not want to hear this right now but in case we don’t get o—“ He glared at you and gripped your shoulders. “There is no ‘not getting out of here’ [Name], I will get you and Su-an off this train no matter what.” Your breath was shaky, tears threatening to spill as the days events sink in. “No, Seok-woo listen to me. If we— if I don’t get out, I want to let you know that I love you. You and Su-an. Please stay— stay safe for me okay? And make sure to tell Su-an to kill that recital.” You say between sobs, Seok-woo already pulling you into a tight embrace, shushing you. “I’ll get us out.” was the only thing he said before he went back to his daughter who was patiently waiting for you all to make a move.

You felt your heart ache as your words and confession was left unheard; the three simple words slipping from your tongue and left unnoticed by the man who has had your heart in a headlock for what seemed like all eternity, but of course, love could wait— survival can’t.

The silence in the next car was suffocating. Seong-kyeong sat in a corner, her face buried in her hands as she quietly sobbed. Su-an clung to you, her small hands gripping your sleeve as if she found your embrace as some sort of escape from this absolute nightmare. Seok-woo stood near the window, staring out at the chaos with a blank expression.

But you couldn’t focus on him. Your own thoughts were spiraling. The burn in your side was impossible to ignore now. At first, you thought it was just exhaustion, maybe a bruise from the earlier bumping into seats and doors—but when you finally glanced down, your blood ran cold.

The tear in your shirt revealed jagged teeth marks. Red blossomed around the wound, dark and unmistakable. You’d been bitten. Your breath hitched, your chest tightening as you quickly covered the mark. You looked around, panic rising, but no one had noticed yet. Not Seok-woo, not Su-an.

“[Name]?” Su-an’s soft voice pulled you back. She was staring up at you with wide, tear-filled eyes. “You’re shaking. Are you okay?” You forced a smile, kneeling to her level. “I’m fine, sweetheart,” you lied, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Just tired, that’s all.”

Seok-woo turned at her voice, his gaze narrowing as he studied you. You could tell he sensed something was wrong, but before he could speak, the train lurched violently, sending everyone stumbling. You held Su-an’s head close to your chest, trying your best to shield her as the train started to slow down.

“Attention please. Due to blockage on our track we’ve stopped at East Daegu station. We either wait for the rescue team or go to Busan by a different train. I’ll go and find a working train, if you’re alive.. please transfer safely. Godspeed.”

That was all you heard from the train operator before it went silent; only the awful sound of hissing and gurgling coming from the other cars. Your head felt heavy, and with every step you took your legs started getting heavier and heavier, sweat dripping down your neck. Everyone managed to get out, however you stopped in your tracks as you felt a sharp pain shoot through your side and body. “[Name]..” Su-an called out with worry as she stepped back into the car even after your protests. “[Name] come on, we need to go to the east track like they told us. We can’t loose time.” Seok-woo said, his tone rough yet laced with worry. You smiled with tears streaming down your face, your hands shakily taking off your ring that you got yourself not long after your first ever pay check at the company.

“I think this is my stop, yeah?” You hiccupped, caressing the little girls cheek with nothing but love. “Hold onto this for me yeah?” You placed the ring into her smaller hands, closing her palm and kissing it gently. You turned your gaze to Seok-woo who looked terrified, kneeling next to you and shoving your hand that was clutching your side away, revealing those disgusting teeth marks. “Shit. No, no… no. [Name] you— Why didn’t you say anything? I told you to stay close to me, why, why didn’t you—“ You put a finger against his lips, smiling. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going on a little trip, okay? Promise me you’ll get to Busan safely. That you will go to that recital and that you—“ You shook violently, a painful groan echoing through the car. “Seok-woo. I love you, I love you and Su-an so much.” You smiled weekly before backing away from them, stumbling towards an empty cart which you then closed.

Su-an pressed her hand against the class, screaming your name with tears flowing down her face, while all you could do while your mind was still somewhat conscious was look at her, pressing your forehead against the glass. “I love you Su-an.”

That was the last words they heard before they rushed out the car and your mind got twisted into a flesh eating monster.

— 3 years later

A memorial was held for all the people who were lost during the breakout, bodies never being collected; only burned to get rid of every trace those events had left. The memorial was held in Busan on the Haeundae beach where thousands gathered to try and put their resting loved ones to peace.

"We’ve come here to remember those we’ve lost and honor the lives they lived. Though some of us come here to remember, some might want nothing more than to forget. The world has changed, and the scars left by all we’ve suffered remain, but we gather in the hope that together, we can begin to heal.

Let us find strength in their memory and courage in one another as we face what lies ahead, carrying their legacy forward in the world we rebuild."

A roar of cheers and applause filled the area as everyone spread across the beach, lanterns in hand, ready to release them into the sky. Each glowing light was a symbol—a guide for lost souls to find their way to a better, pain-free afterlife.

Su-an clutched her father’s hand tightly. The scar left on her young heart that day was still fresh, though it was slowly healing with time. Seok-woo, however, had never truly moved on from your loss. Your office remained untouched, never given to anyone else, despite countless suggestions from others after his company started up again. It was your place, and no one else’s. Su-an still visited occasionally, sitting there to draw and talk to you—or perhaps to herself.

“Hold this for me, please,” Seok-woo said gently, handing the lantern to his daughter. He lit it carefully, just as many others around them were doing, their lanterns already rising into the dark sky. Together, they held the lantern—Su-an on one side and Seok-woo on the other. With a nod of silent agreement, they released it, watching as it drifted upward to join the hundreds of others.

Seok-woo knelt down beside his daughter, pulling her into his side as she sobbed against his shoulder. He rubbed his hands up and down her arm, trying to comfort her, though his own heart ached just as much. A small silver chain was around his neck, a ring on it like a sort of charm; the same ring you always wore until that day. He couldn’t deny the weight of his regrets. The regret of not saying goodbye. The regret of not saving you. The regret of failing to protect you.

But worst of all…

That he never said I love you back.

© URFAVLARRY

DO NOT REPOST, TRANSLATE OR COPY ANY OF MY WRITING TO OTHER PLATFORMS

I DON’T CONSENT FOR MY WRITING TO BE USED TO TRAIN AI 🚫

[cads-the-cat]

Sleep Token is being turned into a brand rather than a band and being commercialised to a point where it will harm them more than help them

An opinion on there being too much ST merch

Befofe starting this, i want to clear up a few things

I am aware that Vessel and ii probably have very little responsibility/say in this and it's the management/rca who is doing this

Yes, i am a fan and i support them. However, it is unhealthy and not good to blindly support every decision and action of your favourite artist, person etc without questioning them and holding them accountable

I know that earning money with music in times of streaming is hard/impossible but that does not justify those moves of tryihg to get as much money as possible out of them

This also applies to other bands, but the extent to which this aapplies to ST is extreme compared to others

We are one week into this year and there has already been a new merch drop. After 6 days. You know when the last one was? Less than a month ago. Same merch shop (US). The items? Some of them questionable (flannels??). The leather jacket? Insane (not in a good way). It looks okay but you could make one yourself and make it look way cooler and get it for less money as one of my tumblr moots said.

I remember last year up until July/August it kind of was a running joke in the fandom about the emails with obtain and how we're too broke to obtain, but now? This is not a joke anymore. Ever since last year we have gotten emails ALMOST EVERY MONTH, sometimes even several times a month about new merch releases.

Yes, there are different stores worldwide, but we live in a time of international shipping. And even for one store it's lots of releases. Plus then there's all the licensed products shops like Hot Topic, Impericon, EMP and whatever their local equivalents are, who also constantly release more merch.

What's even worse: a lot of those things are either a shitty quality (if i remember right, one of the hoodies or tshirts from the EU tour 2024 had the print peeling off after one wash) and/or really bland. Where is the cool art, the thing that makes these items special? I got a tshirt from the German Rituals 2023 with this sick artwork on it that i cherish more than anything. But compared to that most tour merch of the more recent tours has been nothing special.

Most of them just have the logo on it and it reminds me of any ither fashion brand. There's only so many jumpers and t-hsirts and sweatshirts with the logo that a person needs and the constant release of new but actually the same stuff is creating this insane overconsumption which harms fans' bank accounts and the environment and is straight up boring. There's nothing about them that makes them special and unique and cool. It feels like at this point it is a contest of how many ST logos can they plaster on an item before it looks ridiculous (on the leather jacket i counted at least four, three of them massive).

Which brings me to the next point. People just slap on a ST logo because the band is so hyped and to make money off it or get more clicks, even if it is only remotely related to them. I understand that in today's world you need to use buzzwords to make people pay attention, but with ST it has reached the most ridiculous level. The air of anticipation some magazines or brands build around some upcoming stuff with words like Worship and whatever, which everyone connects to ST, just to reveal a mid product or result is just horrible and will eventually make it less effective which can harm the band in the long run if they can't build up excitement for new releases as much as they could because everyone is 'burnt out' because it's been overused.

Overall, this insane amount of merch and using ST to sell anything or get clicks is not okay. The fan base is so dedicated and loyal and we deserve better than to be - for the lack of a better word - exploited like this just because we like and support an artist. Prices for everything have been rising for years and it's hard for a lot of us financially. We spend so much money on concerts already and then the ton of merch and everything on top is just too much. ST as a brand is used to exploit fans which is not how you should treat your fans (again want to emphasise that this is mostly on management and label, not Vessel)

You might think 'But you don't have to go to concerts or buy their merch'. That's right, you don't. But concerts are kind of the thing when you're a fan of a band, and you want to support your fave band abd wear merch and show that you like them. However, the merch and everything is limited and posed in a way that creates FOMO and everyone is always drilled to Consume and Obtain (yes that's how capitalism works and that is not good in this situation because it harms us fans so much.) I can't deny I've given in to this as well twice during the EU shows and i am now left with an underwhelming sweatshirt and a hat that i never really needed and probably wouldn't have bought if i hadn't been in this mindset so much.

'Oh but i want to support Vessel and the band.' Yes, merch does help out artists, especially in times of streaming. But how much do you think they make? Merch is using little to no lyrics or song related things that the band could earn money off due to copyright. And i don't know who owns the right to the logo (i did some research and found someone in management with three trademarks on something ST related but it never specified if that applies to just the name or the logo or the music or whatever - it was not Vessel though). Who knows how much is going to management and the label and how much the band actually earns. Right now it feels like the management and label want to make as much money possible from them for their own gain. As an alternative to support them, start buying their albums and vinyls so they earn more money off their songs.

So, what do i want? Obviously i don't want fans to stop buying merch because it does help artists to some degree. However, I want less merch releases, one or maximum two a year per merch store (so AUS, US and UK/EU). We can have a few simple designs with the logo on it, but i also want some cool pieces with art or something else that makes them special. I know artists are expensive and stuff, but that's why you make less items but higher quality. Make them available in larger quantities so that more people can buy them and they will still get their money. Plus you always have extra tour merch, which is another extra release. Make the merch special again and make it mean something to people instead of just being another logo like a fashion brand.

If they continue like this fans will eventually be unable to afford stuff, people will turn away from merch because they realise it's all the same, and the effect of using ST as a brand/connection simply to sell stuff will harm their reputation (it already is). Whoever is responsible for this merch insanity needs to put a stop to it. Please!

This is just my opinion. Disagree if you want to. Some things, especially the effects of the situation, are portrayed slightly exaggerated, but this is how it makes me feel and I truly believe this is not a great situation we're in right now with the merch.

(Not taking any responsibility for typos)

[haileycantcometothephonern]

Scars

Spencer x fem!reader

Prequel fic to this part (but can be read alone)

CW: pregnancy, kidnapping, torture, angst, also a little bit fluff. (not proofread)

___________________________________

18 months ago

You felt the kicks before you felt the warm sun rays waking you up from your deep sleep. Your baby has been quite excited, you can tell. She is keen to meet her mom and dad, it seems. You open your eyes slowly and crack a smile at your very pregnant belly.

Sydney. That's what you both decided her name would be. Such a pretty name really. You immediately got up to make yourself some breakfast as your daughter isn't so calm when she starts to get hungry.

You then remember the absence of your husband. You really hoped he would be here before next week, as that's when your due date was and your daughter might come out any moment now. You didn't want Spencer to miss such a pivotal moment of your child's birth. You knew how much he looked forward to it.

As you make yourself some breakfast filled with all kinds of nutrients, your mind goes through all of your pregnancy journey. Spencer and you have always wanted to start a family and you were blessed with your angel a few months ago. You were both equally excited about the new edition to your family and made sure to do thorough research about how to ensure that she's safe and healthy.

Spencer was also very present these past few months, putting his foot down when he is needed here by you or your daughter. You really appreciated his support throughout your pregnancy but since a few weeks he has been quite busy. You understood that he can't keep putting off work to stay with you, but you also wanted him to do that for you. Maybe it was selfish, but you were also on the verge of giving birth to an entire human and you wanted your husband there to support you.

You thought back to the call with Spencer last night as you had your breakfast and wondered when you'll get another update from him. You eventually realized that you're focusing on him too much and he must just be really busy saving lives, so you ended up watching some movie on the TV.

Ring. Ring.

You were jolted awake from your morning nap by your phone's ringtone. You immediately hoped that it was Spencer calling to tell you that he's home bound.

"Hello"

"Hey, baby! How are both of my girls doing?" Spencer sounded tired.

"We're doing good, would do better if you're here with us though." You pouted.

"I know, love. I'm already on the jet, and wanted to check on both of you before we started. Will be there by evening." He sighed into the phone and you can feel him physically relax his shoulders. The case must have been a tough one, well tougher than usual anyway.

"Oh that's great news. I'll start on dinner soon. Love you baby, say love you to papa syd." You tried to make Spencer feel a bit less stressed and you honestly felt really glad that he'll be home soon.

"I love you both, stay safe until i get home." Spencer parroted back, and you can hear the caution in his voice.

You suddenly remembered that you forgot to inform about your doctor's call last night.

"Uh Spence, Dr. Min just called me yesterday. She wanted to see us tomorrow, I told her that I'll let her know if we can after I spoke to you today."

"What did she want to talk about? Is everything alright? Are you okay? Is Sydney okay?" He immediately questioned with worry.

"Yes, yes, we are completely alright. And Dr.Min did not tell me what it was about as she had some emergency and ended the call urgently. But I'm sure it's nothing serious." You said with a doubtful tone, you didn't want him to overthink it during the whole ride.

"It's okay, baby. I'll call Dr.Min, and ask her what it's about. Just take care." Spencer tried to reassure you and ended the call as the pilot was ready for take off.

You ended up taking another nap while snacking on some fruit platter as you were still full from your breakfast when you were once again woken up by a knock this time.

You checked who it was through the peephole first, Spencer instilled this cautiousness in you. It was just some delivery guy, maybe it was the new blanket you ordered three days ago for Sydney.

You excitedly open the door and were about to take your order when the delivery guy is pushed aside and you are being dragged out of your house by two really burly men. You wanted to scream, but they had their guns pointed straight at your belly. You gulped and cooperated with them.

"What do you guys want?" You tried not to sound so scared.

"Your husband knows what we want. Don't worry you'll get out of this unscathed if he listens to our demands." One of them replied and pushed you into a black jeep.

After that your memory goes pretty hazy, as you assume that they drugged you. You regain consciousness after a while, you don't know how long it's been but it was darker outside. You can see that through the only basement window in the room that you were held in. Yep, that's definitely a basement that you were in. You weren't scared as you had complete trust in your husband and his colleagues. You trusted them to save you and your baby.

You then heard some voices from outside the door. You remembered one of the voices was the man who brought you here. Just as you were about to concentrate on what they were talking about, the door to the room opened. In walked the two men who kidnapped you.

"Dr. Reid, as promised. Your wife is here, unscathed. Just get us that plane, our money, and Jason. We'll be out of your hair." He screamed into the phone, you assume Spencer is on the other side of.

"No I'm not going to do anything until you let me talk to her." Spencer tried to sound as neutral as he can, but even you can sense the fear in his voice.

"Alright, suit yourself." The kidnapper placed the phone near your ear. "Speak."

"Hello, Spence?"

You could hear the relief in his voice when he asks you to stay strong like you always do and that he'll be there to get you soon.

"Everything will be alright, baby. I'll be there."

And you believed him. Because why wouldn't you. You believed him with your whole being. You believed him. You made that choice. You let him deceive you. You let him deceive not just you, but also your daughter.

Spencer wasn't there. He wasn't there to save you. He wasn't there to save Sydney. He wasn't there when they cut you. When they left bleeding to your death. When they left Sydney to die with her mom. You still don't have complete memory of what happened after the call.

BAU unlike every other time, failed to deliver on their promise and failed to save you or Sydney. The kidnappers tried to get what they wanted by harming you, thinking that'll motivate the BAU to submit to their demands. But this time, the kidnappers were wrong.

Spencer found you that night, almost at the verge of dying. His heart stopped at the sight of you. Multiple cuts on your arms and your collarbone. One large gash on both of your wrists, blood flowing out uncontrollably. If only they were a bit faster, if only Hotch would have agreed to their demands. He knew that he couldn't blame anyone else but himself for what happened that night. He stayed by your side at the hospital until you regained your consciousness.

"Spence, What happened? Where am I? Where's Sydney?" Your frantic voice woke him up from his seat beside your bed. He looked like he'd been through some kind of apocalypse, maybe he was. His hair unwashed and disheveled. His beard, unshaven. His eyes, sunken, surrounded by pigmentation. He looked like he was crying non-stop.

Your thoughts immediately went back to that night.

"Sydney. Where's Sydney, Spencer?" You asked cautiously.

He looked like he was on the verge of tears and held your hands. His lips opened and closed, and tears started streaming down his cheeks.

"No, no, no. It can't be. No, not her. Spence." You were beyond frantic now. The tears came first.

You didn't want to believe that she was no more. Your love, your angel, your baby. Your Sydney.

You sobbed and sobbed and hiccups echoing off the hospital walls. Throughout it all Spencer held you, letting you express your grief. He had his time, although he thought no time could heal this wound. He wanted so badly to redo everything.

The BAU had all visited you and him, offering their condolences. Hotch showed up too, expressing his regret and guilt. Spencer assured him that he doesn't hold anything against him. You didn't reply to anyone. Not him, not his mom, not your parents, nor your friends. You didn't have anything else to say. You didn't know what one says when they feel like their soul has been snatched away. Their voice had been hijacked. Only thing you can know and feel for sure was the ache in your heart and the emptiness in your womb.

Days passed away before you knew it and it was finally time to go home. Spencer packed everything up from your hospital room and called out to you.

"(Y/N), It's time to go home baby." He whispered slowly placing his hand on your shoulder.

You looked away from the windows and towards him. Yes, nobody is at fault except Spencer. It was him who promised to keep you and your baby safe. But he was nowhere to be found on the day you actually needed him. He was the one who caused all of this. Your brain, filled with grief couldn't decipher what it was thinking or where your thoughts are taking you. You knew only one thing for sure, you wanted to hurt someone. You wanted him to hurt.

"Spencer you killed her. You killed my baby." Your voice was barely a whisper, you almost thought he didn't hear you. But the way his eyes dulled and filled with guilt showed you that he did hear it.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, baby." He said, he sounded wracked with guilt. He started sobbing.

That was the first time in a few days you felt some kind of sick relief. A part of you ached at seeing him like that. But the sick satisfaction over took every other feeling.

"Spencer, I'm going to hurt you until I can find peace. I promise, and I don't break them like you do." Your voice was filled with vitriol. Spencer never even imagined that you could look at him with such hatred in your eyes, but he was proved wrong today.

He knew he was going to be blamed for everything. And he blamed himself too. He was okay with taking everything from you, because he knew behind all that hatred and vitriol, there was love. So he was willing to be your punching bag for however long you want him to be.

You realized that Spencer was going to accept it. And you knew you were just getting started. Maybe this will end up hurting you both, but you felt like that's what the two of you deserved in the end. For failing to save her. Your Sydney.

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a/n: Not that satisfied with how this turned out, wanted to write fluff but it turned out into angst 😭😭. anyways i'm thinking of writing a fluff series next and maybe an angst one too. deleted one on my old blog, want to restart it.

[breadloverovo]

⛑️🚑⛑️🚑⛑️🚑⛑️🚑⛑️🚑⛑️🚑⛑️

TF2 Tattoo Design

Hallo, how's it going? It's been a while since I posted anything here. What wild weeks these were, and I just finished designing my Team Fortress 2 tattoo idea 😎

Here you have it on PNG and with a background, heavenly presented upon you to judge:

If you didn't notice, I main Medic and I do love my Übersaw: Premeditated Crit.

I didn't add the Crossbow because it seemed like too much information, but I do have one with a statclock. I don't remember the kills count, I added it a few months ago and it's on 200 or so. Anyway, going back to the tattoo, the flowers in the background are some red spider lillies, some thorn apples and its flowers, since these were believed to be planta that grew in Hell. I do beleive some flowers would suit Medic nicely 😈

I'll probably tattoo most of my right forearm, from wrist to elbow in one session, though I need to consult with my tattoo artist first 'cause I know for a fact it's gotta be a long session xD

Something I want to mention is that I don't actually want to add any color, even red, because I have a plan for that color later on my body. As for right now, you're free to steal the desing if you wish, the only condition is to mention me and post it when you get it ;)

🚑⛑️🚑⛑️❤️HERBERT❤️⛑️🚑⛑️🚑

[faghubby]

Chastity Resort

"Are you enjoying the view" Jenny smiled.

"I wasn't" but realized I had been caught. "He is wearing" I whispered

"I saw are you jealous, maybe I should make you wear a little bikini" Jen smirked.

"No, I just" I could feel my face get hot. Jen just laughed.

"Why don't you focus on something else." Jen said pulling her bikini bottom to the side.

"Jen!" I said shocked. She grabbed my head and pushed me between her legs.

"All the boys are locked up here so no point in hiding" Jenny laughed as I licked and sucked her clit. She was soon moaning and crying out I went to stop embarrassed by her making a scene but she held me in place till I made her cum. I looked up as a man in a uniform came over and handed Jenny a drink.

"I'd everyone locked?" I asked Jenny.

"Everyone but staff" the waiter responded.

"Why would you be interested in me having another man?" Jenny asked. I looked at her with wide eyes.

"Of course not" I told her, we had only been there for a few hours and I was already starting to think we had made a mistake.

We had started playing with chastity months ago. We worked different shifts found it hard to find time together. But more then that I had developed a masterbation habit. After some fights, discussions and research. Jenny had decided to try chastity. It worked We where never closer. So when she heard about this resort she signed us up. I normally spent no more then 2 days locked up. But this trip would be 10 days. Less then 16 hours in I already wanted out. But knew Jenny had left the keys home.

"This will be good for us" Jenny said patting my cage thru my shorts. I applied more lotion to her. As she sipped her drink. We spent the rest of the afternoon at the pool before we went to dinner.

"You will be serving your wife" the hostess informed me leading Jenny to a table. While I was sent to the kitchen.

"Your wife would like a Tequila sunrise" I was told. And sent to the bar, I bought the drink to Jenny. I went to sit.

"No, you have to serve me. I will have the scallops for an appetizer. And ranch dressing on my salad. With the prime rib." She shoed me away. I went and waited for her food. Bringing her each corse in turn, thinking this was silly. As I bought her the prime rib I thought it looked great I was so hungry.

"Sit" she told me as I was bought another plate.

"That was silly" I told her.

"An exercise to show you I should come first" Jenny told me. The next morning we went for a couples massage. But unlike most places I watched as Jenny was given a massage. By a gorgeous woman. Jenny was completely naked as this woman rubbed and massaged every inch of her. Even explaining to me how to do it as I watched. When she was finished I got naked except my cage and laid on the table. But the massage left and a big strong man came in, he was good I was soon relaxed. Until he got to my legs. Soon he was massaging my gluten. He spread my ass cheeks and worked me. I was glad for the cage. ,y cock trying to get hard. Be rolled me over and continued. My cock purple and leaking. Jenny sat and smiled watching. She led me to the sauna after.

"I too got excited during my massage" Jenny told me leading my hand to her crotch. I was soon finger fucking her. When the door opened and another couple entered

"Don't stop" Jenny moaned tossing her robe. The other couple sat and watched they where also naked. The man's cage was so small I thought. As Jenny came on my fingers. The next day we went to the spa. Where I was taught to paint Jenny's nails. I was frustrated by now and wanted to leave.

"Calm down and sit with me Jenny told me. It was now 5 days locked up I couldn't even sleep.

"I can help you relieve the pressure" Jenny told me. "I rub your prostate" she told me holding up a laminated card.

"No way" I told her.

"Remember how excited you got during the massage" Jenny reminded me. I had hoped she had forgotten. I caved and laid across her lap as she instructed. She used a latex glove and a generous amount of lube. After a few awkward minutes she found the spot and I let out a moan. She continued I spread myself allowing her more access. Soon I was leaking out of my cage. She continued until I stopped leaking.

"Feel better" Jenny smiled, I did but was still horny as ever. Things continued. Trips to a private beach, where we watched a couple have sex. He had a big cock. It turned Jenny on so much I found myself orally pleasing her as she watched. All the activities where about pleasure for her. And patience for me. Learning to wait. Please Her first. Jenny milked me every night. I looked forward to it. The Last night there I watched as Jenny danced with another man. I didn't even get jealous it was about her pleasure.

Jenny was so pleased with how the trip had gone. She asked if I wanted to stay locked longer. I have until we land to decide.

[skyheld]

“You insist that you know me”, Ameridan says, gazing into the chaos of Hakkon’s eyes, the glacial storm of whites and blues. “Yet if you did, you would know that before I was a commander I was a Fade-hunter, trained to withstand beings such as you, and you cannot hope to snare me. I will not be coerced. I will not be tempted. I will not be forced. I am very tired of this, Hakkon, but you cannot even wear me down—you do not have time. Let me sleep. It is pointless.” The shape changes again. The face narrows, the body shrinks, becomes lean and straight-backed, wiry underneath the notched old-fashioned armour. Red hair falls in tangled knots from a braid that's been caught under a helmet. Spidery lines trace the high cheekbones and the straight nose, fanning out across gaunt cheeks. Oh, I know you, Hakkon says with Ameridan’s voice. Wars fought with magic and mind are still my wars. I have your face. It would not be a stretch to have your body too.

i don't think suicidal ideation is the right tw for this, because accepting death when you're dying isn't suicidal, but it's something in that vein so under the cut it goes. the other tws are lighter, I think.

Keeper Levinia has stopped fretting. Maybe that is how he knows.

She used to come into his tent every now and then to ask if he’d eaten, and how much. He'd reply, truthfully, and she’d say, ‘sounds like a stretch to call that eating’ and produce something she just happened to be carrying around—a flatbread fresh from the cookfire outside, some blueberries the gatherers had found that day, cold jerky from the august ram the hunters felled earlier. He’d take it because he knew she worried, and maybe for a mouthful or two he’d enjoy eating it. But then it would taste like nothing and the weariness would come and he would lie down with his back to her and sleep. It was all he really wanted, to sleep.

But she has stopped asking. She has brought the herbal tea that dulls the ache in his bones and some roasted chestnuts on a plate which she places on his bedside but doesn’t ask him to eat. She sits on the edge of his cot, watching his hands around the clay cup as though she’s not sure his strength is enough to hold it.

Maybe that is how he knows, because she knows.

“I received a letter from Sura—from ‘Dalish’”, she says, smiling slightly at the nickname. “It was dated a month ago, but all was well with her then. I hope things have not changed.”

These are troubled times. He remembers hearing the others speak of it, that the spirits are restless and the people, too. They have not told him much; no use bothering him, he supposes, when there is nothing he can do. “Was Skinner with her?”

“Always is.”

“Good.” He brings the cup to his face, let’s the steam warm his lips. “Send her my regards when you write back.”

“Would you add a few lines yourself?”

“No—not this time.” His writing is shaky now. She would notice.

For a while Levinia sits with him in silence. Outside the children are playing and he thinks that maybe later, if he feels stronger, he’ll come out and sit by the fire and maybe they will want to hear a story. In his heart he knows he’ll never have that strength, but it’s a nice thing to think about.

When his tires the cup lowers and she takes it from him, sets it half-full on the bedside table, and smooths out her Keeper’s robe as she rises. If she says anything when she leaves, Ameridan does not hear her. He has lain down with his back to her and fallen asleep.

He knows. And he isn't afraid.

It still seems like a heavy thing, dying.

————————————————————————————————————

Even she has given up on you. Pitiful.

Except he does not sleep, really.

The location the god-spirit has plucked from his mind this time, or which his mind has plucked from itself, is an army camp somewhere on the frontline of the Blight. The tent is small and clearly shared with others; it isn’t the Inquisitor’s tent but a commander’s, or several of them, their bedrolls separated by canvas to create tiny rooms. Everything is stained in mud, torn and threadbare. Ameridan sits by the fireplace in the center of the tent, dressed as though he just got out of his armour.

Opposite the fire, Hakkon lounges as if the foldable chair is a throne. His shape is that of an Avvar warrior, but it’s constantly shifting—he’s a war mage in blue paint, then a scout in hunting gear, then a thane with a pelt across his shoulders. He’s old and scarred, then young and unmarred.

Ameridan considers ignoring him, but he’s not so tired in the dream; his mind is as quick as it used to be. “It is not pitiful to face the inevitability of death.”

It is if there is another option.

“But there is no option. Not for me.”

Hakkon snarls and shifts in his chair, growing in size as he leans forward. Now a mighty warlord, a berserker perhaps, his face grows hard as though chiselled from rock.

You choose to give up.

“You insist that you know me”, Ameridan says, gazing into the chaos of Hakkon’s eyes, the glacial storm of whites and blues. “Yet if you did, you would know that before I was a commander I was a Fade-hunter, trained to withstand beings such as you, and you cannot hope to snare me. I will not be coerced. I will not be tempted. I will not be forced. I am very tired of this, Hakkon, but you cannot even wear me down—you do not have time. Let me sleep. It is pointless.”

The shape changes again. The face narrows, the body shrinks, becomes lean and straight-backed, wiry underneath the notched old-fashioned armour. Red hair falls in tangled knots from a braid that's been caught under a helmet. Spidery lines trace the high cheekbones and the straight nose, fanning out across gaunt cheeks.

Oh, I know you, Hakkon says with Ameridan’s voice. Wars fought with magic and mind are still my wars. I have your face. It would not be a stretch to have your body too.

“Get out of my mind!” Ameridan snarls, but the younger, prouder version of himself smiles a smile he never would have worn, gleeful and triumphant, and leans back in the chair in a way that makes him want to snap at him to sit up straight.

You cannot deny that this was you, once! You stood at the forefront of battle, commanding armies—

“I had to.”

You attended war councils. You shouted down generals for their poor tactics—

“I have not forgottten.”

You fought me, Hakkon says and silver shoots into his grey hair, the stolen face falls in onto itself, dark circles dig deep underneath its eyes. You were old and tired even then, yet you fought me, alone in that cold ruin.

“I remained myself.”

Did you? Creators, he does have a piercing gaze in those pale eyes.

Ameridan closes his fist around the small scar on his palm. Hakkon wears his lyrium brand on his forehead; here, in the dream, it is a void, a black sun burnt into his skin.

He looks older now, but younger still than when Ameridan last looked at his reflection. He has aged a century in those ten years since the Inquisition found him in the Frostback Basin. Death sits at the back of his eyes now. Death as an embrace, as rest at last.

There will come a day soon when he closes his eyes to sleep and it isn’t Hakkon waiting for him across the fire. Long ago it was said it would be Falon’din. Now he does not know who will be waiting, but he will take their hand regardless. He is not afraid.

Ameridan, Hakkon says and his face changes again. This is my last offer. I will make no attempt to take control of your mind. Your body will be yours. You will be strong again, and no longer in pain. I will aid you. Against that which is coming, you and I will both be needed and I can do little from here. I cannot return to my people. I am bound to you as you are bound to me. I have no choice. I WILL AID YOU.

“Do not use her face against me!” Ameridan snarls, standing up, and a storm rips the tent to shreds as his fury takes hold of the Fade. “Not hers! I know how to fight you, even here—I will slay you if it is the last thing I do, if you take me with you!”

Telana looks at him passively, her face, warm and beloved, but wrong—wrong the way Hakkon twsists it, wrong in this time and place. She looks down—and then off to the side, as though listening. Her eyes widen.

Trouble, she says, her voice shifting as her face does, back to the Avvar warrior. You are under attack. There is no time—accept my offer! You have to—

But Ameridan is hearing it too. Screams of shock and terror. Weapons clashing. A spell rupturing earth. He focuses on that, and wrenches himself awake.

Fire.

There's fire outside, black smoke seeping past the cabin door, a sickly reddish light through its cracks. Shrill, frightened screams. Battle-cries—those of elves and those of humans. Bandits or mercenaries, they could be either. Bandits rarely dare attack a Dalish clan, but these are troubled times and people are desperate. For mercenaries, it is only a matter of payment, and there is always someone who pays.

Even with the strength of desperation standing takes precious seconds. The room spins. He can’t find his staff. It should be in here, all his belongings are, but he can’t find it. His hands, then; there is magic left in them. He stumbles towards the cabin door, legs stiff from days of unuse; when he reaches it he falls towards it, his hand on the door latch so it opens.

Darkness has fallen outside, but it has turned into an inferno, red sky and black smoke, black shapes running in front of the flames. They've been taken by surprise. There's no organized defense, only scattered groups fighting for their lives.

"Hahren—" There's someone standing just outside the aravel. Gawin, one of the better warriors, out of the immediate battle and waiting here. To protect him? No, not when others are dying, that cannot be— "Hahren, go back inside, it isn't safe—"The blade of a greataxe slices through his throat cleanly. Two thuds when he hits the deck of the aravel: body and head apart.

Ameridan clings to the doorframe as the warrior steps over Gawin's body and towards him. He's too well-armed for a bandit. A mercenary, then. There's always someone who pays. He has to fight; there's no choice. He slumps when he takes one hand from the doorframe and holds it out, pulling at the Fade.

The force magic rippling through the air towards should have sent the mercenary flying backwards, tumbling over the prow to crash on the burning grass behind. But it's too weak. Magic comes too slowly to Ameridan's fingers, and unravels before it's at full power. The bandit stumbles backwards, and rights himself. The only harm done is that he's bitting his tongue, so when he steps forward again, his smile is red.

"If that's all the magic you can do", he says, "it's time to pray to those heathen gods of yours, knife-ear."

Ameridan's hand is still in the air in front of him.

The clan isn't helpless. They are strong in numbers and in skill. But this attack has been sudden, and the mercenaries haven't struck in desperation; this has been planned, they know what they're doing and are certain of winning. He sees the halla-keeper slain by the cook-fire. They do not care who carry weapons. They may not spare the children, either, or if they do they'll leave them to starve.

"Hakkon Wintersbreath", he says, stretching his fingers fully, "I accept your offer."

————————————————————————————————

HE IS HERE HE IS HERE HE IS HERE

Hakkon laughs at the words and the will weaving their way to him in the Fade, laughs as he takes the hand held towards him, laughs as the hand becomes his, bones and blood and skin and sinew wrapping around his spirit-being, HE IS HERE HE IS HERE HE IS HERE! There are ribs around his lungs, lungs around his breath; he moves by way of muscle, pulling and bending limbs; a spine shoots from his bone-encased mind, snaking nerves through tissue; a heart beats blood through his body; skin stretches soft and supple around everything. It is him, he is it; he feels the thousand sensation of being alive, air on his skin and smoke in his throat and the planks of a deck underneath hardened soles. He feels the pain of old age and old wounds, the frailty of long illness, and he laughs; the pain is life, life is pain; it blooms through him like blood in water, he is here he is here he is here.

In front of him, the mercenary has stopped in his tracks, shocked by the sudden change in his adversary: the cold laugh bursting from his lips, the calm, casual straightening from the slump against the doorframe. Hakkon is in no hurry. Between them the elven warrior lies dead, sword still clutched in his hand. A good blade, if not his weapon of choice. The spine protests when Hakkon bends to pick it up; the fingers are weak with hunger around the hilt, the shoulders unwilling to move into the correct position, and still he's laughing.

It is glorious to live. It is glorious to hurt. It is glorious to kill. He is here.

The sword does its work, splitting the bandit from waist to throat, but the battle-axe that clatters to the aravel's deck as he lies squirming in his innards will serve even better. There isn't quite enough muscle to lift it, let alone swing it, but no matter, Hakkon lifts it with spirit-strength, swinging it casually as he steps down the landing from the aravel, his feet finding scorched grass. He is h—

Hurry. A voice, a will, momentarily lost in the shock of possession, makes itself known. Hakkon grits the teeth inside the mouth. Throughout the clearing the elves are being pushed back, dying one by one and there is a want that isn't his to leap in and save them, save all of them that can still be saved. You promised to aid me. Aid me!

Well, he did promise that, and he does want to slaughter, and so— he let's the will carry him forward, breaking into a sprint.

The nearest mercenary turns to face him. Hakkon laughs, spins, swings, and misses. Ah—his reach is limited, he is not very tall. Nor does he have enough weight to counter that of the greataxe continuing its arc. His spirit-strength holds fast the shaft before it flies out of his hands, and instead his shoulder cracks, shifting out of its socket. The pain blazes white-hot, blinding him. Hakkon laughs at its searing fire, spreading from shoulder and out into the arm, up towards the base of the skull; but at the back of his mind he feels Ameridan wince from it and remembers his promise: you will no longer be in pain. He cannot take it away entirely, but he can dull the pain for now, make it bearable.

He does so, and wrenches the shoulder back into place.

The rest is glory. It is revelry, it is life. He is here. Despite some difficulties with the new body, the bandits are no challenge, though they entertain. He wishes he could take his time, but to save as many of the elves as he can he must make quick work of most of the bandits, until they start running. Then they're fair game, then he can savour it. He is here.

He has run down one of the very last and killed her on the very edge of camp when he suddenly stumbles, the legs buckling underneath him. The body is trembling, little shivers all under the skin; the heart is beating frantically in an uneven rhythm. He puts a hand to his chest to calm it, but there is no doubt: if he goes on, he will do damage. The body cannot handle too much strain, even with his help. It will take time to build that strength again.

"Well", he says, "it was good for a first attempt."

Behind him, movement. One of the elves stand some twenty paces away from him, covered in blood and ashes, staff held in front of her not in fear but in preparation. Her face is set: angry, hurt, with an underlayer of fear.

"Ameridan", she says, "what have you done?"

The guilt that rushes into the chest isn't Hakkon's. Nor is the shame that follows after, or the grief, or the fear, or the self-hatred, or the regret. They aren't his, but he feels them all the same like a rising wave. They make him angry.

"What have I done?" he asks, forcing the legs to stand again, the back to straighten. "What have I done? I saved your pitiful clan, woman, I—"

He goes quiet. There is a will overpowering his, a will like a tidal wave, a will like the sun rising against night, and the body is no longer Hakkon's, the tongue no longer obeys. He is pushed and thrown down into the depth of their mind from where he cannot do anything.

Ameridan swallows, fists clenching and unclenching as he searches for words. A thousand apologies, a thousand pleas course through his mind and Hakkon's, but in the end, voice brittle yet calm, he says: "You know what I did, keeper."

She looks at him, and the shock, the disapproval, the fear in her gaze cuts deeper than any deathblow in Hakkon's memory. He wants to ask where is her gratitude, but Ameridan's will is a winter's worth of snow on the mountainside, keeping the mountain still, keeping him quiet. "You cannot stay."

He says, "I know."

There is more she wants to say, he can see it on her face, but her mouth tightens and her grip on her staff, and she turns away. Ameridan lets his body sink into the grass again. Hakkon isn't quick enough to catch it. They kneel, silent, in that storm of guilt and sorrow. Their body is still trembling.

We should eat, Hakkon says. We're hungry.

They lift the head together. "I suppose we are", Ameridan says.

[illegiblehandwriting1]

just watched v for vendetta for the first time and godammit that shit goes hard

[bixels]

The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.

[venomgaia]

gaslight gatekeep girlboss

[walking-loather]

Oh great. We're at the embarrassing have dreams about your ex stage.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

vent

[guzmapkmn-archive]

I thought I added my phone number for text updates before I quit my job at the pharmacy but what if I did it wrong,,,, and it's ready and I don't know 😔😔

[wild-at-mind]

Being in a long distance relationship long term is so fucked up. For context for people in bigger countries I'm not talking flying distance from each other, I'm talking about 3 hrs apart on the train, so not that far arguably. But still far enough that our lives are almost completely separate in the practical sense, no matter how much we talk on the phone or meet halfway. When one of us stays over at the other's place we are still guests in each other's homes. I still don't know what cohabiting would be like and what a comfortable normalicy of being in each other's lives in person every day would be like. We're coming up to our 11th anniversary. I don't want to break up with him!!!! I love him deeply and I've never met someone I'm as compatible with as him. I've never been in love like this and I'm not easy to know, and yet he does know me and likes what he sees. I just feel I am stuck and I am frustrated that my sex life is like once every 3 months. I still don't even know how often we would have sex if we lived together, we haven't had the chance to find that rhythm. When we see each other there's no time to do any more involved stuff it's just getting off. Basically everytthing we've talked about has to stay in the realm of fantasy because there's never any fucking time.

I am trying I said to him- you need to do covering letters and things, you can't just send your CV that has never worked. He's the one who wants out of his current job, and out of his town, but applying for jobs is so fucking hard when you're working full time and trying to do things you love to not get fucking depressed. See I understand those things because I would feel the same way. If he moved here we could find a place together and I could find it out if I actually can live with someone else and stay mentally well. I'm getting too dependent on living alone in order to stay mentally well and it worries me.

Sorry to vent. I'm not looking for advice it's just venting.