#no i have to relive the worst night of my life. thats the only way im allowed to remember us?

[walking-loather]

Oh great. We're at the embarrassing have dreams about your ex stage.

[amnayel]

something really interesting about book 7 is that there seems to be a lesson about true happiness being passed here

i love when i consume media because it seemed cool only to be hit with a message at the middle of it

theres something we all can agree with after reading book7: malleus concept of happiness is messed up. malleus idea of happiness is a life where everything happens the way you wanted to and there’s no hardships or pain

but let me tell you a little story to explain my point: i’m a person who suffered a lot during my life. one of the things i dreaded the most was that my teenage years where stolen from me. everything i ever wanted was to be a normal girl, study in the afternoons, play games until late at night and go out with my friends once in a while

pretty much everyone i knew lived this life, and they HATED IT. they thought it was boring and wanted more emotion to their lives. but why did i wanted it? because i didn’t have it. i only appreciated the simple life most people had because i was suffering so much from a young age, if i had never been denied this simplicity i wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate it, because i too would’ve taken it for granted

why lilia dream had so much suffering in it? because if he hadn’t suffered to hatch malleus, he would’ve taken that moment for granted. ofc he would still be happy, but not as much. the peace that comes AFTER the hardships is way more blissful than the one BEFORE all the problems began.

you’ll never appreciate what you have if this happiness is never threatened.

thats something the overblotted are realizing one by one. we see that vil and jamil both ended up denying their dream world and even felt shame for them because they don’t want their victory to be handed on a plate. they want to fight for it AND WIN

malleus couldn’t understand why lilia, in a place where he could have ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, still chose to relive the worst moments of his life, loose his loved ones again, see briar kingdom lose the war again, be outcasted by humans again… if he could have everything in this dream world, why he wanted to suffer it all again?

because the pure happiness of seeing malleus being born wouldn’t be same without all of this.

lilia knows this as a older person, the other characters are still young. for me the ob boys dreams being more detailed is not because they have more magic, but because they dreamed of these perfect worlds before, escaping from reality for a moment and going to a place where everything they ever wanted was real

but in the end, the true happiness they wish for will only come after so much suffering, and probably will not be exactly what they wanted, because what you want is not always what will make you happy, what you want is not always something you can have, but no ones suffers forever.

malleus will eventually have to realize this, that lilia has to go, that people will continue to fear him, that he will say way too many goodbyes in his long life…

but that this doesnt means he won’t find happiness at the end of it.

[i-cant-sing]

Yandere RE8: TRP Part 4

Part 1 is here.

Part 2 is here.

Part 3 is here.

Part 5 is here.

Check out my MASTERLIST for more!

"Uhh... hello?"

You looked at the woman standing in the stairs. She was wearing a dark veil that matched the rest of her outfit- oh shit, that's a funeral outfit.

I really did pick a bad time to come here, didn't I? She's in mourning, she sees an intruder, and her day went from bad to worst. Yep, she's gonna kill me.

You took one look at the woman and then at all the possible exits: the doors- no, they'd be too heavy to move and what if they're locked? The window- but I'd have to jump out and just because it looks cool in movies to jump through glass, doesn't mean it'll work, Y/n.

So, the only option was to eliminate the threat. Or maybe... defuse it.

"This is your doll, right?" You asked, pointing at the doll, judging by the lace designs on both of their dresses. The woman didn't reply. "It looks like its been... used a lot. To be honest, she's very different than most dolls I've seen, definitely a lot more spookier." You nervously giggled, hoping she didn't mind. "But... she looks like she's been loved. A lot. Despite being broken from a lot of places, someone still took their time to fix her." You smiled sadly, remembering your own doll that Mia had ripped. "Wish I had someone like that. To sew up the wounds and fix them."You mumbled, not really sure if you were talking about your doll or yourself.

"Your doll, she's- she's very pretty. My sister would've liked her." You began. "Which is why I'm here. My family, we were in an accident- I know it was wrong of me to come here without permission, but I need to find my sister, Rose and my father, Ethan." You took a step closer. "They both of have blonde hair. Rose, my sister, she's just 6 months old. She was dressed in a baby pink onesie, bundled up in a blanket. My father, Ethan, he's about this tall and has big blue eyes. I think he was wearing a jacket, with blue denim jeans. H-have you seen them?" You asked, eyes full of hope and voice laced with eagerness.

Please, please let her have seen them. God, please.

Unsurprisingly, the woman didn't reply, but she did turn her head towards the left window. You didn't know whether she was telling you to get out of her house or signalling that they are out there, but you knew you had to leave.

Nodding, you slowly walked towards the window, your heart beating faster as you prayed that this wasn't some sort of trap, hoping she wouldn't attack you from behind because that would be like... really shitty.

But you left the house unharmed, and without looking back at the window because you didn't want to jinx it, you walked towards the forrest once again, thankful that the sun had finally came out.

Where are you guys?

You had been walking for a couple of hours now, the sun had been a bit warmer today, which was good since you hated the snow that surrounded you now. You looked at the map, tracing the path to your new destination. The Salvatore reservoir. It seemed like it would take you a day's journey to get there, and you sure as hell weren't seeing any lake in sight.

God, when will this nightmare end?

You decided to sit on a stone and take some much needed rest. Your feet ached from all the walking, and your calves were cramping. You rolled your head, popping it from the side, before taking off the rifle that had been weighing down, stretching out your arms. Digging through the little back pack you bought from Duke, you pulled out a thermos of coffee and twinkie. You don't know how or where he got it, but Duke had filled your bag with a couple of snacks; saying its for his loyal customer.

So, here you sat, in the middle of the snowy woods, eating a twinkie and drinking a lukewarm coffee. Both didn't taste good, but they're gonna keep you alive so, no complaining.

After drinking the coffee, you rested your head against a tree, recalling last nights events as you waited for the caffeine to kick in.

You tried to make sense of what happened when you got... locked in the basement. You thought you had forgotten about her, Angel. Guess not.

Wait- didn't that lady lock me in the basement? Maybe, she didn't look very hostile, her creepy doll looked scarier than she did.

You laughed at the irony. You always made fun of the horror movies where the family would become so attached to the most horrifying doll, and you'd scream at their stupidity, And yet here you were, falling for the cliche as you found comfort in that creepy doll.

Man, I'm really losing it here.

You sighed, closing your eyes as you tried to come up with the next plan. But the warm coffee had lulled you right to sleep, which was dangerous but you were too tired to care.

Just for a couple of minutes...

You woke up to the sound of growling and heavy steps. And as soon as you opened your eyes, you knew you had definitely slept for far longer than a few minutes. But that was not of concern at the moment. No, it was the source of the growling that had woken you up.

Just about 40 feet away from you were lycans. Plural. Not one, not two, but 5 lycans, and one of them was a really big one.

You held your breath as you watched them wander around; they hadn't spotted you yet, and if you stayed quiet, you hoped they would just go away.

Stilling yourself as much as you could, you watched them with wide eyes. One of them started to walk in your direction, it wasn't looking at you, which meant that it hadn't seen you, but he would if he kept on walking this way.

God, I know we haven't been on good terms, but like c'mon, you gotta give me a break. Please, I love you? Come on, you know this is not how I want to go.

You sent a silent prayer, and perhaps it worked, since the lycan suddenly turned the other way, joining its pack as they started walking deeper into the woods.

Slowly, you began to gather up your things, silently shoving them in your bag, one eye on the lycans and the other one making sure that you don't accidentally drop something that'd cause noise.

Fortunately, you didn't. You swung the bag over your shoulder, and took a step forward, careful not to step on any twigs.

Maybe God did love me. All that time in church-

THWACK!

You jumped back as a huge sheet of snow fell from the trees in front of you. You whipped your head towards the monsters and they all had stopped dead in their tracks. Slowly, one of them turned and if they hadn't heard the snow fall, they'd definitely heard the way your heart was about to burst out of your chest. Then, it growled.

Motherfucker.

You pulled out your gun just as the two of them began running your way. With a quick jump to the side, you dodged them and shot them two times each. Hearing your gun fire, the other two began running your way too, while the larger one stayed behind as it watched. This time, as you shot one of them, the other managed to kick you in the chest hard, throwing you against the rock. Luckily, you didn't hit your head, as you rolled and shot it dead.

Spitting out the blood, you looked back at the last lycan who had already started running your way. You began loading up your gun with trembling hands, but just as you aimed, the lycan took a giant leap and knocked the gun out of your hand.

Fuck.

The giant grabbed you by your neck, lifting you up high before throwing you across the ground. You wheezed, scrambling up to your feet as you began running away from it, its heavy steps following you. It roared angrily behind you, and that only made you ignore the burning pain in your chest as you ran faster.

But of course, God had decided to make you live a cliche horror movie, because you tripped over a fucking branch, making you fall on your stomach. You flipped over instantly, and saw your nightmare come true as the lycan jumped on you.

On pure reflex, you punched it square in the face, which you doubted hurt it more than it hurt you, if anything, the monster was momentarily perplexed, but that was enough for you to slip from under it.

But you were only able to take a few steps away when it suddenly grabbed you by your neck and lifted you up again, snarling as it began opening its mouth, revealing its razor-sharp teeth at you.

God, if you're hearing this, I'm converting to atheism because I did not need this today.

Looking at the horrifying lycan, you prayed one last time before you were eaten by it. Surprisingly, your life did not flash before your eyes, which you were kinda grateful for because you did not need to relive that before your death.

But that moment didn't came. No, what came were familiar moans of pain, and then the sound of a drill, followed by blood splattering on your face as the lycan was sliced vertically from the head to the toe by the aforementioned drill.

The lycan fell to the ground, revealing the pair of soldats that killed them and behind them a smirking Heisenberg, who rested against a tree, tipping his hat at you.

You were far too shocked to say anything, and after a few seconds, the man walked over to you, blocking the view of his monstrous creations just mutilating the lycans.

"So... that was a bit traumatising." He started, chuckling at your stunned face. "You okay, kid?"

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck-

"Yeah." You took his hand, and he helped you up. You groaned at the pain, touching the tender side around the chest where the lycan had hit you. Yeah, you probably broke a rib.

Heisenberg helped you sit down on a tree stump. "Hmm, that bastard kicked you hard didn't it." Wait- "But that was a phenomenal punch you threw at it. Nearly made me burst out laughing."

"You were watching? Why the fuck didn't you come in before!"

He shrugged. "I just wanted to see if you could really handle yourself- which you were pretty good at, but then you lost your gun and it was kinda an unfair match from there on." He pulled out some pills from his coat. "i was just passing by when I saw those lycans moving away. Thats when I pushed the tree which made snow sheet fall and you know the rest from there on."

Your eyes went wide. "You did that on purpose? What the shit, Heisenberg-?! Fuck." You doubled over in pain, clutching your ribs, heaving.

"Shh, stay still, kid. Here, take these. They'll help with the pain." You eyed the bottle before popping two in your mouth. Hey, if he wanted me dead, he wouldn't have saved me from the lycan. "I just wanted to see if you were worth the trouble, and as it turns out, you are."

"You didn't have to almost kill me to see that. And now I've lost my gun. And I don't have any money to buy a new one. I doubt Duke gives freebies." You huffed out.

Heisenberg rolled his eyes. "God, you sure do whine a lot. Here-" He dropped a tiny pouch in your lap. "There's some coins in there. That should be enough to buy you a new gun. And for fucks sake, get a gun with more rounds! You don't have time to be loading a gun mid battle." He huffed. "So, where are you going now?"

You rolled your head from side to side. "Well, I went to the Beneviento house. Didn't find Ethan or Rose there. Now, I'm going to the lake."

"The lake? Huh, well if you survived Donna, then Moreau should be a piece of cake. You got the map? Let me show you the short cut, it's not far from here." You gave him the map and he showed you the directions.

"Where are you going then?"

"Mother Miranda called. Don't worry, I'll keep our meeting a secret." He then nodded at you. "Alright, I'm off now."

"Wait!" Your voice stopped him. "I don't know when I'll see Duke again. And I don't have gun, so what if another pack of lycans come?"

Heisenberg slumped his shoulders as he let out an annoyed sigh. "Fine. I gotta do everything by myself." He dog whistled and one of the soldats stopped maiming the lycan and ran to Heisenberg. "From now on, you're gonna listen to her."The soldat looked at you and nodded. "If she tells you to kill, you kill. If she tells you to die, you die. Follow her around and keep her safe." The soldat nodded. Then Heisenberg turned to you. "He's already dead, so don't worry about throwing him in danger. Oh and also, just take him into the sun every once in a while so that his engine can recharge. You'll know when he needs the sun."

You were baffled. "Wait, Heisenberg- how the- what the hell am I supposed to do with him?"

"Figure it out, kid. Think of him as a guard dog."

You looked at the soldat then at Heisenberg's retreating form, then back at the soldat.

"So..." The soldat stared at you. "You got a name?"

"Handsome." You nodded to yourself as you trudged, using the soldat's arm to support yourself. "That's what I'm gonna call you. Handsome. What do you think?"

The soldat was wearing a metal contraption over its eyes, so you couldn't really tell what it was feeling.

"Well, you don't seem to have any complaints, so from now on, you'll respond to the name "Handsome". Do you understand?"

The soldat nodded.

You laughed. God, the pain meds were either making me stupid or everything else funnier.

You looked at the map again. Just a couple of more minutes and then a right turn. And then you should see the lake- god, this map was confusing as hell.

"So..." you wondered what you should ask the cyborg. Oh right. "You seen Ethan? Blonde man, crazy big eyes. Or a baby, Rose?" The man shook his head no.

Sigh. What else could I ask him? What about how did he die? No, what if that's triggering? I can't handle a Terminator right now. And I don't think I should ask him about his past or anything that'll cause him to have a existential crisis. Ah! I've got it!

"Hey, how do you see?"

The soldat looks down at you for a few seconds then points at his metal contraption.

Wait- is that sarcasm?

You scoff. "Of course, you see with your eyes! I meant, with the whole metal thingy covering them, how do you- oh, there's this vision specs in them."

You smiled. "Hey, you're kinda like Cyclops, yknow-" you were cut off as Handsome suddenly pushed you to the ground, turning on his drill.

"Wait, shit- you don't have to be Cyclops! We can talk this out-" but Handsome was focusing on something else, and that's when you saw it. Two lycans.

Handsome ran and easily maimed them to pieces, I mean, you had to look away from the horrific scene midway.

The soldat returned five minutes later, covered in blood. He extended his hand and you reluctantly took it, letting him support you as you began walking again, your heart still beating like crazy.

But you calmed down when you finally reached the lake, the setting sun gave serene feel to the entire reservoir. You inhaled deeply before looking at Handsome. "Lets go down there." You pointed at the lake.

You were both sitting at the wooden broadwalk, your legs hanging off the ledge. You looked at the water, it wasn't crystal clear, but you could see some fishes swimming around, so at least it wasn't dangerous to life. You looked at Handsome, then at his drill and you realised he was still covered in blood. "Lets get you cleaned up, hm?" You said, pulling out a rag from your bag and dipping it in the cold water below. You began with cleaning up his drill, then dipping the rag back in cold water and cleaning his chest and his other arm.

"Good job back there, Handsome."You smiled as Handsome nodded. "Heisenberg was right, you are kinda like a dog. Hmm, I wonder if..." You tested your theory as you petted him on the head. "Good job, Handsome!" But the soldat only tilted its head in confusion.

"Hmm, perhaps not." You cupped the cold water in your hands and washed your own face, You looked at your reflection in the water. "You wanna go for a swim? I don't mind." Handsome shook his head. "Yeah, I'm not a fan of swimming either."

Handsome stared at you. You scoffed. "Oh so you pretend you don't understand what I say, but you want to hear the story? Fine, but I'm only telling you because it might be important later."

You both stared at the water as you began your story. "Well, when I was 15, I had snuck out of the house to go to a party. It was at this rich girl's house and I knew she didn't like me, but I was surprised when she had invited me to her place. Yes, a red flag I should've seen from miles ago, but I was young and dumb and desperate to climb the highschool social hierarchy." You chuckled. "Anyways, long story short, one of the guys there pushed me into the pool because I don't know if they thought it was funny to see me drown? By some luck, I managed to grab onto the pool ledge and pull myself up. I immediately left the party, embarrassed and cold and on the verge of breaking down. Then on the way back home, there was this car following me and then some weirdo catcalled me and tried to get me in his car. Now, scared for my life because I watched a lot of Criminal Minds, I ran all the way home, praying that he leaves me alone. I think he stopped when he saw a Range Rover following him, but I don't know. I just rushed back home." You sighed. "You know what happened next? I bursted through the front door, slamming it shut and I turn around to see my dad in the living room, looking surprised to see me. He stood up and looked me up and down and then said, "Y/n? You're drenched completely. And you're messing up the floor. You know what? Mia's in the bathroom right now, why don't you go upstairs and I'll clean up here. You know how she gets when there's water on the wood." And I was just so shocked, that I didn't say anything and went back upstairs. Once I was in the shower, that's when I broke down crying. I almost drowned, almost got kidnapped and my father was worried about me messing up the wooden floor? Hell, he didn't even ask me why I was coming home at midnight." Your tears fell into the lake, making small ripples. You chuckled, "God, I always wondered how tired he must've been from work that day to ignore all these visible signs of distress. I always hated his job, you know? They made him work way too much." You looked at Handsome who was looking at the lake. "Anywho, now you know I can't swim so, save me if I fall into this lake, okay?" He nodded.

You guys sat in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before a question popped up in your mind. "Handsome?" He turned his head towards you, only to see a mischievous smile on your face. "Are you seeing someone?" The man turned his back to the lake, making you laugh. "Ahh, so you like someone. Tell me, is it someone from the village?" The man further turned his head away from you in embarrassment. "Oh come on, tell me! Is it a girl?" He nodded reluctantly, making you punch his arm. "You dog! Does she know?" Handsome shook his head, making you smile. "Tell you what? As a payback for saving me back there, I'll help you get her. I'll be your wingman, Handsome, hm?" He nodded a bit enthusiastically.

"We all deserve good things, Handsome. No matter how we look, or what we are, these things don't really define one's self worth. Its our intentions, you know?" Handsome didn't know, but he nodded anyways.

"Good. Now, lets go check out this place. Keep an eye out for Ethan and Rose, okay?" You told him, not knowing someone was already watching the two of you.

So... thought?

What did you guys think about Handsome? I'm gonna post a pic of him soon if you guys want.

Part 5 is here.

[localcryptic]

it’s midnight “can’t sleep because i have unresolved issues” time!

[semischarmed]

Clarity

My hot roommate Zach is the perfect man. I think I won the cosmic lottery when we got paired freshman year. “Roommates for life!” he shouted, as he wrapped a tone arm around me in a side-hug. I chuckled, of course. Who knew the cutest guy in our dorm was such a dork. I remember that moment vividly, committed every last detail to memory. In what he likely only barely remembers, I recall to the last detail. I play it back often -even moreso, nowadays: The crisp autumn breeze. The filtered sunlight through amber trees, bathing us both in golden afternoon. The warmth of his touch, and the unintended taunt from his arm pulling me towards him and his jacket ever so slightly wrapping over my back. The slight, dense smell of coffee wafting from him and his minty breath cutting through. Thats how I remember him. Warm. Sincere. Safe. Zach would probably say that was the moment we became best friends. I, on the other-hand, would say that was the exact moment when I fell for him.

We did everything together from then on: Ate together, joined the same clubs, signed up to the same classes- that first year we were inseparable. Best friends to a tee. I’m not even sure what he saw in me- the guy was a hell of a lot more sociable than I was. He could literally find anyone else on campus, yet I had the privilege of being his roommate and friend. I commit that wonderful first year to my life. It is my happiest year to date. I commit that version of Zach to myself as well.

Trouble started early in our second year. He spent all summer back home, hanging out with his high school friends and his brothers. When we finally met back in our new room, he seemed distant. Still, I made the effort, getting closer and closer to him every day. He’d been sending signals too, I think. A stray touch, just a half second too long. A lingering stare in my direction. A gentle smile when I ask him a bout his day. I had to know for myself with certainty. 

So, one terrifying October night, I asked him straight up.The fucker laughed. Cruel, hideous, insensitive laughter. I’d never felt more alone in my life than when he laughed at my confession. That broke something in me. I quickly ran to my bed, crying myself to sleep. Without skipping a beat, Zach left the room to grab a bite to eat, seemingly unchanged by my outright confession. I had never been so humiliated in my life, yet only he would ever know. Still I felt him hold that over me in the weeks to follow like a dark cloud. Of course he’d still offer hangouts. He’d ask for help with some dumb assignment or try to get me to open up by faking some issues about himself. He was mocking me. I felt his sneer, ever-present from behind. Thats when I began researching alternative methods to exact what I needed from him.

Why a private university had a book like this is beyond me. It was a spellbook. A dangerous one, at that. All manner of incantation and processes regarding the human soul. I poured myself the next few weeks on its pages religiously. Translation is a massive pain in the ass but it gets done.

“Love cannot be created by spell,” it stated. Leave it to a fucking book to let me down too. I wiped away stray tears until I caught sight of the last batch of spells. I sighed at its contents. Fine. I couldn’t make him love me through magic, but I could have him the next best way. His body. The final section of this book of spells is, of course, the curses and enchantments required to possess another being.

———

The preparations have been made. It’s another late, awkward night in our room, where he just passes by, gives me a nod and a grimace and then heads to bed. This night would be different. I chant the words. The price is steep. Half of my body’s lifespan for the ability to take someone over in their sleep. That’s the one I settled on. Of course, there were more permanent spells outlined, but this seemed to be a happy medium.

The magic is dark in nature, and I feel the cloud over me deepen. I feel myself detach. It’s weightless, but grounded. Makes sense, given the purpose of this spell. I watch my target and lick my astral lips. There he was, happily dreaming without a care in the world. I study every curve, like sculpture. He is muscled, but tone. Zach likes to sleep with his shirt off, so I get to see what powerful chest up close. I watch as powerful lungs, drawn in air before gently dispersing it. Perfection. I watch that beautiful face lie still in a satisfied smile. Angelic. This body is power, incarnate. My power, soon.

I follow closes until I am but inches from his face. I stir around him, slightly. I want him to know it’s me. Bleary eyes open and he gives a weak smile when he sees me. “Dude-” the smile quickly fades to shock. “Wait what the fuck...” in sinful glee I push into my man. He involuntarily absorbs my particles, my spirit. He tries to push me away, to get me off him. Hands are useless to stop me. I phase through them with no resistance. His breath quickens as he begins to panic. This only further brings me into him, as he is forced to breath in the only air around him-me. 

Then, he starts choking, trying to force the parts of me in him out. I am unfazed. Instead, in I keep filling into him until all of me is inside. This is the way we were meant to be. He pulses and convulses and chokes while I align myself into him. I revel in Zach. In being Zach. Despite all the shit he pulled this year, he still is perfection. My perfection, now. 

I command his lips mine. “Invoke me. Become me. Manipulate this body. Explore us. Stay, in me. I want you here, forever.” They’re not words he usually uses. I rile in a frenzy when these phrases leave his lips at my behest. When his voice becomes my own and I make us moan. When his body complies with my every whim. When Zach’s flesh is mine. It is euphoric. Orgasmic even. I intend to follow through, to reward it. To pleasure it. God it feels good being in him. Being him. He may not love me, but love me he will, even if indirectly. Every waking moment I spend inside this man will be a moment of him loving himself, loving me. Now, And then I feel it. I clutch my head in pain. Zach.

Veins strain in his forehead as he puts every last effort to exorcise me out. Resistance almighty in this body. In tears I feel myself stripped from momentary heaven. He chokes as a dense fog that is me escapes his mouth. He is successful.

When I am kicked out of his body abruptly, I flare in anger. How could he do this? How could he? I look back at my slumbering form. No matter. My resolve is steel. Somehow, somewhere deep inside me, I knew somewhere it had to come to this. I chant the final curse mentioned in the spellbook. The price is the steepest of them all.

I watch as my physical form dissipates. I writhe as I am renewed with newfound energy. Potency. Virility. I’ve put in everything. Everything I ever was into becoming him. Zach would be mine, no matter what. 

Before he can readjust, before he can even think about what had just occurred, I flood back inside my man. Inside my body. My one true body, now, given what I had to sacrifice. I make him smile while he takes me in. Smile in preparation of a new, permanent driver. I thrust my astral form inside its new home. It’s warm. Roomy. muscular. We make this body grin, shout, cry, writhing all the way in its sheets in our battle for control. I’m not even sure he knows what he’s doing when he fights me- but he always was a natural in everything he picked up. I feel our shared muscle contract and relax as it is forced to accept its two masters- soon to be one. Soon to be me. Zach’s soul was strong but no one was a match for the full force of an entire human body-turned-spirit. I feel his soul start to lose footing. Jackpot. Immediately fill take its place. My place.

I was far deeper in Zach now than I was before. His essence struggles, trying to escape me but I keep us steady, hold us tight. Our minds begin to connect this time around and we sync. The book said this was a necessary step. I blink away our tears into a satisfied smile. Our face is flush from the fight, flush from my greatest victory. “You’re mine forever,” I think to myself, My words. The verbalization of my invasive thoughts in his head- they’re spoken in his tongue. In his jock-like inflection. I even now think in his voice. Of course, it’s relatively minor in the grand scheme of things. Yet it is undeniable proof. The finality of it all. Proof that my body no longer existed in this world. Proof that for me, forever, Zach would be my default. Just one last step to it all. One last push- I’ve already given this much, there was no going back. I would displace Zach as the true owner of this body. It’s as the final line in the book states: “Encapsulate their soul, devour it, digest it, make it yours. Then, true control at long last.”

Tears stream down our shared cheeks as we both realize the true gravity, the true consequences of my actions. We are synced now, but I haven’t yet completed the process. So, our emotions are a mix. So, it’s bittersweet. He’s mine. We’re one. I’m finally with Zach in a way most intimate. Despite it all, he isn’t fighting back. Why?

I rage inside him, wanting him to be mad, wanting him to hate me, to give me justification my ultimate transgression. He offers none. Instead, I am hit with borrowed clarity. More of his memory floods into me and I begin to cry. 

I watch my every worst moment through his lens, relive the demons of my past and yet, from his perspective they never looked quite as dark or traumatic as I had made them out to be. Even my confession itself, my initial catalyst, had merely been a blip in Zach’s mind. If anything, he had been more concerned that his own nervous laughing was the cause of my spiraling. I quickly realize how much wasted time I spent, building up Zach into this god in my head. My god. In the end, he was human after all.

I feel Zach pull instances of himself from my memories in turn. It turns out he had many, many insecurities as well. Many moments where he needed validation or support. Many moments, even in recent memory, where I had never picked up on on his fear and self doubt. An offhand comment here. Some self-deprecation there. Of course, stupid me always there to respond by telling him to quit joking around. I felt the months of torment he felt in my coldness after my confession. He wasn’t making fun of me or being an ass, he wasn’t even patronizing (well, he wasn‘t trying to at least)- he thought he was losing a friend. The guy was just a bit oblivious. God I was so dumb. Of course, he blames himself for my eventual actions. Poor guy. Zach didn’t deserve any of this- he never did. “Thank you” he cries in new clarity.

In mental tears I begin to undo my connection to him. It’s not something he had the capacity to do himself- I made that a reality when I used my physical form as tribute. I know the price which must be paid, for my greatest sin, born from misunderstanding. There wouldn’t be much left for me- the price for the spell was my physical body after all. It didn’t matter. I made that choice for myself when I recited the spell. But Zach... he had no choice at all. He still had a chance at a life. A life well-lived with knowledge and confidence gained from my memory. It was the least I could give him.

I begin to drift away as I balance the cosmic scales. I detach the last of myself from Zach, ready to give him back his body, ready to return him to his life. It’s merely a reverse of the process from before, yet it all feels lighter somehow. I take it as a sign of karmic justice. Of course, I am scared. Who knows what awaits me? Maybe I can find another body to inhabit. Maybe one in a coma. Maybe i’ll be reincarnated. Maybe nothing. Maybe I’ll just vanish on the spot...

Zach doesn’t give me the chance to find out. I feel his astral hand holding on to mine. His face is sympathetic. Kind. Warm. Like it used to be. Like it always was. His body leans up to pull me into a warm embrace. I start crying in spirit. “You, you don’t have to do this-” 

“I know” he says. He pulls me tighter. “Roommates for life, remember?” Now he’s crying. “There’s no way to go back- we both know that, but you still got a life to live-we both do.” He smiles as he guides me to himself. I reattach to him. We weave our souls as one. “C’mon man, I told you I grew up sharing a room.” I am a complete mess of emotions at this point. Unworthiness, Love, Relief. I feel his mess too. Neither of us knew where to go from here, but we both knew we’d face it together.

The experience was sobering, to say the least. We cried together that night. We cried at newfound realization. We cried at irreversibility of what I had done. Hell, we even cried at the extra rent that had to now be paid. I had no way of undoing what I did, and Zach wouldn’t let me go. In the end, we decide to just give it a go, a resolve to live as one person. “Zach 2.0,” as he jokingly put it. Dork.

———

“A happy accident,” is what Zach called the events of that night. He always was the optimist. Although, these days, I’m a bit of an optimist now too. I am Zach now too, after all. All things considered, we’ve done quite well together. Zach 2.0 was everything. We were smart, intuitive, confident, compassionate. We’ve made this body the healthiest it’s ever been. Hell, together we even graduated with honors, something neither of us could ever hope to do alone. Both our parents were real proud of that one- he told mine at my funeral that we had been together and we’ve been in close contact ever since. By no means were we the perfect man though. There was no perfect man. We’ve had our share of fights, struggles, times where one of us would take full control of this body we share, shut the other out.

Once in a blue moon, we both dream of what our lives could have ended up as, had I not done what I did or had he let me disappear that night. In retrospect, I really do think my life had a lot of things going for it. Hindsight is always 20/20, as he likes to say. I saw many an opening, so many areas for improvement that my younger self was blinded by in lust and perceived betrayal. There was so much life I could have lived, had I just not opened that stupid book. I don’t dwell on it too much though. We’re both quite happy sharing this body. I’m living in one body with my crush, whats not to like?

The first few months were quite jarring. Our friends and family would see us happy and outgoing at one moment and then flip to quiet and reserved on a flip of the switch. Gratefully, they been patient with us, assuming it was the byproduct of a grieving boyfriend. The more years I grow with him, the more alike we have become. Sharing one body and living one life tends to do that. I’ve probably rubbed off on him a little too. He’s just a bit more analytical now, a bit more perceptive, and I’ve learned to let loose every once in a while. Altogether, we make a great team. We’ve even managed a slew of relationships along the way. Hell, he’s even gone out with some guys-no doubt a byproduct of my soul being a part of him. Of course, in the ultimate cruel twist of fate, they never last- he tells me “none ever match me”. Well of course they can’t. I’ve lived every moment with him, felt his every thought, lifted him when he was up, consoled him when he was down. Ironically, in a roundabout way, the spell did end up causing love, causing for him to fall for me- at the cost of us never being able to be a couple in the physical sense. Guess you really can’t have it all.

In the few years we spent together my love for him has only deepened. I know he feels the same way. We are one person, after all. All things considered, it’s not a bad setup. If love on the physical plane happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t- then we still always have each other. Regardless, I’m sure we’ll find someone out there for the both of us, someday-there’s that optimism again. Of course, we don’t pine for it. Our main focus has always been each other. Growing together. We’ve got a whole life yet to live. And he’ll have me with him every step of the way. And we can’t wait to face it all, together.

-End-

Eh, it’s a bit underdeveloped but I’m not a novelist and I didn’t want to spread this out over parts. Going for something a little different with number 14- hope y’all like it!

[siriuslystargazing]

I new I could count on you

 Request: hiii, I see your request are open and I was hoping for a sirius x reader based in book 5, the time when Molly and Sirius have an argument and reader steps up for Sirius? thank you! 

A/N: Yess oo this is going to be good !! i feels right to be back in the grove again no Uni work to worry about so lets get this ball rolling :) quick disclaimer, my spelling is bad i have dylexcia sorry but hopefully its not that bad... i havent read the books in a few years but hope you like it :))

Summary: after all this time sirius can always count on you to back him.

Grimmauld palace was far from a palace to Sirius, he saw this place as more a prison than anything, no matter how much Molly cleanend the walls always seemd to hold the memories and dirty secrets that the black family held. The newest secret the walls held were the wearabouts of Harry Potter, Harry was relived to finally leave his tiny room at 4 private drive much be his new room was a somewhat dusty upgrade but he could live with it he was finally with his family again. but the reunion had to wait a while as the Order meeting was getting a little intense in the kitchen “Well Well Well” George Weasly Started “if it isnt Harry” Fred followed “want to know whats happening down stairs then?” the twins quized smirking bettween themselves 

“i have a feeling your going to do whatever it is wether or not i agree” Harry replied, the twins shared a look and nodded Harry smiled and followed the weaslys to the stairs 

“surly we shouldnt be doing this we’re not in there for a reason” hermionie stressed watching the twins lower the ear down listing on to the convosation...

in the Kitchen the table played host to a mix of wizards and witches, Sirius sat inbeteewn Remus and Y/N with Molly oppersit all four of them in a heated debate over harry “ Molly, Harry has a right to know about what is happening, if it wasnt for him we wouldnt know that Voldamort was back! he isnt a child molly ” Sirus started earning a frustrated huff “but he isnt an Adult either, he is not James-” Y/N flinched at the name sirius took note and placed his hand in hers giving a reasuring squeez “-He is not your Son! Molly!-”Y/N began “ Harry is our Godson we have a duty of care for him -” 

“Oh please Y/N ! where have you two been for the past 12 years, one of you was rotting in Azkaban and you were galavanting across Asia” 

“shut up you slimey Git thats my Wife your talking to!” sirius shot from his seat slaming his palms on the table silencing Snape.

“oh Enough of this the lot of you, i say we leave the meeting here and get dinner on” Molly disbanded the meeting opening the kitchen door and calling everyone down for dinner, 

“Harry Potter!” sirius Greeted embracing the teen in a tight hug “i have someone very imortant here for you to meet” pulling away and waving Y/N over to them 

“Hello Bambi” Y/N started, Tears pricked at her eyes as she took in the teen before her, he really was a spitting image of James “im Y/N, Your Godmother, i want to apologise for not being in your life i was told you died that night and well...” Y/N trailed off but was embraced in hug from Harry “its okay Y/N its nice to finally meet you Remus and Sirus told me so much about you !”

“not to cut the reunion short my love but i belive Molly is ready to plate up dinner” 

“oh yes of course!” 

Each sat at the table Whilst molly continued to cut vegetables as Arther informed HArry on his Hearing at the Ministry “this is very peculiar Harry, your hearing at the ministry is to be infront of, well the enitre Wizard front..”

“but i dont understand what has the Ministry got against me ?”

“Show him” Moody Grunted from the Shadows “he will find out soon enough beter to just show him now” more looks were exchanged at the table until Kingsly grabed a copy of the profit showing Harry the headline, sirius sighed “dont worry they have been attacking Dumbledor aswell”

“we belive Fudge is using his influence and power over at the profit to discourage the rumors of Voldemorts return, and he is deluded, fudge thinks Dumbledor is after his job!” Y/N continued 

“but thats insane No one would-” “Thats exactly the point Harry! Fudge isnt in his right mind, its been twisted by fear, and the last time Voldamort gained this much power, he nearly destroyed everything we hold dear to us” Remus cut in looking towards Y/N and Sirius with a small smile “and the minister we will do anything in his power to avoid that truth” 

Sirius and Y/N looked at eachother for a moment Nodding in silent agreement “We think, he wants to build up his army again..14 years ago he had a huge following not just witches and Wizards but other dark creatures and he has started up again, the order have done the same but gathering followers isnt the only thing hes interested in... we belive Voldamort is after somthing” The sound of mollys chopping grinded to a halt “Sirius” Moody warned but Sirius ingnored and continued “Somthing he didnt have Last time-” 

“No! thats Enough, he. is. Jusy. a. BOY!” Molly orderd her Knife claterted to the table as she rushed to Harrys side “you say much more and you might as well induct him into the order” 

“great i’d love to Join” HArry Protested “if Voldamort is raising an army i want to be a ble to fight” Sirius didnt reply but gave molly a look and clapped 

“he has a point” Y/N spoke her voice quite, sirius gave harry a wink “Excuse me!”

“Molly, Harry has a right to know and its Sirius and my duty to inform him of what is happening, you cant shield him away from this its his life, he might not have asked for it but we cant keep him hidden from the inevitable, and last time i checked and i did in asia you can’t change a profacy like this its self fufiling no matter how hard you try it will happen, all we can do is support him and help him.” the table was silent apart from a small wimper form Ron as he noticed his Mothers look 

“But he is just a Boy Y/N, What would James and Lily think? why on earth they made you two his Godparents is beyond me? both of you are reckless, young and have no -”

“HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THEM! THEY TRUSTED US FOR A REASON, MAYBE IF YOU NEW THEM THE WAY WE DID YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND BUT YOU DONT MOLLY! everything i have done was for Harry, for them, they asked me to figure out a way to save Harry  and i did i travled across the world to find a way to save him, so dont you ever question my husband or my friends actions” Y/N argued, everthing she did for the past 14 years was to find a way to save harry, Lily asked her to do it,  Lily trusted Y/N like James trusted Sirius.

Molly was shocked she hadnt known much of the witch before her, only that she was a well known unspeakable, at every meeting she was quite always sat between Sirius and Remus not say much, but tonight she new that Y/N was hot headed and would do anything to protect her frends and family she sighed and went back to the cooking, Remus let out a low laugh “you always were a hot head and you still are, trust me harry dont ever get on her bad side, that isnt the worst she can do” 

“oi, Thats my loving wife!” sirius smirked pulling Y/N kissing her temple “I new i can count on you, at least you didnt set the curtains on fire this time” 

“Dont push it fleabag” Y/N smirked, sending an apologentic smile to Molly across the Table “setting curtains on fire?” 

“It was summer 1976...” 

[uglysockperson]

So decided to break my own heart. Here’s my idea for garashir breaking up during the war. This will be a relatively long fic i think.

Add a little angst *pulls out my angst pepper mill*

Julian had just sat down and started talking, he’d since forgotten what because not a bite in, his lunch partner interrupted him. With a clawed hand raised to silence him he awaited the usual sort of words to be said but none came. Just a short couple of scentances he could barely hear before elim spoke a last time “and if you dont need anymore from me this afternoon I’ll say my good byes. Best of luck doctor bashir” the title and last name put a crease on his forehead. But he continued eating, then he continued with his day. Doctor bashir worked another 6 hours before being relived by Dr. Kim, to walk himself all the way to garak quarters only to stop just before punching in his access code to remember those stabbing few words “doctor I believe it would be beneficial for both of us to terminate our relationship both platonic and.. other wise. I will not be joining you for lunch any more.” If he wasn’t so programmed to operated while his heart was making grinding gears sounds in his ears he’d likely be on the floor but instead with limber little legs the dear doctor walked himself back to the praminade to drink himself silly at quarks.

When he had woken up in the morning he was on miles couch with molly playing with a toy car using his foot as a ramp. At breakfast he tried to ask Keiko if she knew why elim had done what he had but she shared that garak had stopped talking to her as well. He had to leave before miles started spouting slurs but arriving at his quarters offered no comforts as when he stepped in there was a box in the middle of the coffee table containing some of his clothes, bottles of shower products and kukalaka. And upon further inspection any and all of elims items were missing from his own room, the cardigan he’d left draped on a chair. His comb from the bathroom, even his pocket sewing kit he’d kept in julians bedside drawer. If this is what elim wants this is what he’ll get. Julian has no time to wonder what happened. He’s got a shift.

The next couple of weeks were as they should be, working and moving on with everything thats coming their way on the station. There was no shortage of patients since ds9 had become a shared docking point for the Klingons, every now and then julian could just make garak out amongst the racks in what was his tailoring shop. But he wouldn’t let himself stop walking whenever he had to move past it, if elim wanted to talk to him he would.

Garak on the other hand though he’d never admit to it tried to stay by the window of his parlor when he could hear julian out on the prominade. The dear doctors voice like a bell he could never ignore. If he could catch a glimpse of him, he counted himself lucky for the day, but who could feel lucky coming home and knowing no one you loved had any reason to contact you as of now. If you asked him why he’d done it... and he was going to be honest he wouldn’t know what to say. There was a gnawing in the back of his skull like a panic on the rise for days. A voice telling him all the terrible things he didn’t want to hear. His work was only hurting cardassia and sooner or later cardassia will find out and someone’s going to come and take his friends from him.. julian, keiko, molly, it didn’t matter he’d soon have to pay for his crimes against the state. There was no reason for any of them to be involved. But he worked anyway, codes where time consuming but his work was perfect, they were his codes to begin with.

At night in his own bed he felt the choke of the darkness, and when he’d turn the lights on the choke hold of the room. Being stuck on this space station was going to be the death of him, all these walls, no space.. it would eventually get the better of him and he’d find himself the next morning curled in one part of his room or another. But it didn’t matter no one was coming to his quarters any time soon not even an assassin. and as soon as possible he’d get back to work. This was all going as smooth as it could until ezri showed up. Sure he’d had a small episode but if it weren’t for the arrival of a legitimate counselor he was sure it could’ve been ignored just as easy as any of his other faults. But the captain just had to find a use for his new Dax. But surely enough a small girl is easy enough to get rid of, even a girl with life times of experience under her belt. And he was having fun doing it too that is until she said something he could not shove into the box of forgetful things. “You blame you’re self ! JUST LIKE I DO!” He had dissmissed her but he couldn’t remember her leaving, the rest of the day was a mess of terrible stitches and memories, tain kicking him into a closet, holding his tail for comfort.. most of all everytime he’d told himself he dessereved what he got. He blacked out again unfortuatly this time he was not so lucky to be in his own room but woke up on a hypo bed. This might have been the worst turn of events but in his blurred wake he felt the feeling come back into his fingers and realized the hands he was holding was Julians warm human hands and not his own. He kept his eyes shut. Praying to any god that could hear him that julian thought he was asleep still. And it must have worked because he felt those sweet lips softly press onto his knuckles and heard the sweetest voice “elim your alright now.” If he was any less tense he might’ve cried.

When he decided to actually act awake bashir kept scares only appeared when needed and seemed to disappear into his office all day. He could almost thank the doctor for letting him keep his dignity. But now he felt more alone and raw than ever, laying on the hypo bed for everyone to see. Most of the nursing staff had come around to being friendly though julian and his relationship wasn’t public with enough friendly hellos and regular socializing they’d come to a point of actually talking an smiling at him something else he has bashir to thank for.

[bounty-of-apples]

Save Our Souls, They're All The Worth We Have Left

Relationships: Tomomi/Canach

Characters: Luna, Ashal, Tomomi, Canach

Tags: Minor Character Death (mentioned)

Ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23149831

Summery: At the afterparty of Tomomi and Canach renewing their vows to celebrate 5 years of marriage, Luna gets rather drunk and starts telling stories about her and her brother's adventures.

“He must have been… Well, not much past being a sapling and I remember,” Luna giggles into her drink, her attempts to take a sip disrupted by her laughing, “I found him scrambled up a tree chucking water down at a very unimpressed Stalker who was clawing at the bottom, like a human flicking water at their misbehaving house cat!” She tilts sideways to lean on Ashal as she cracks herself up again, missing and nearly falling off the seat she’s perched crosslegged on – only the quick reactions of her twin saving her from face-planting the floor.

“Alright Luna, that’s probably enough alcohol and embarrassing stories for now.” Tomomi takes her drink from her and steps back as she tries to grab it from him, once more only saved from falling by Ashal’s hug pulling her back. “You’ve drunk enough for three Norns and I think you’ve given my squad plenty material to use against me for one night.”

She slumps back into her seat and pulls a face so childish, one his squad did not expect from her. It looks out of place on their Commander, most of them have only met her a handful of times, and its always been before, during, or after battle when she is high authority.

“Fine…” She drags the word out and sounds as if she’s ready to sulk, until something in her posture changes and her voice drops softer. “What if I tell you about the time he saved my life.”

His squad had started to gather themselves to leave, but she had definitely caught their attention again. They settled back into their places, spread across the floor in-front of her seat like she was a carer getting children ready for bed.

“It must have been, what, six years ago?” She looks up at Tomomi for confirmation, but he says nothing. He’s sat down with his squad and his husband, who’s come to join them after curiosity got the better of him. Tomomi has pressed himself into Canach’s side, seeking comfort from him before the story has even been told. “It was before the Pact had been formed, I was rising in the ranks of Whisper while my brother did the same within the Vigil. I knew what I was going into I wouldn’t be able to manage with just Trahearne, Tybalt, and myself,” Luna’s voice catches on Trahearne’s name and most of the people listening bow their head for a moment in memory of their late Marshal. All except Aurora, who’s gaze snapped up again at the mention of Tybalt – he was an old friend of hers but it had been so long since she had contact from him. “So I contacted Warmaster Laranthir and requested Tomomi and a handful of other soldiers he could spare to accompany us to Claw Island.” Luna reaches out to Ashal sat beside her and grips her twins hand tightly before continuing.

“We made it there in good time. We knew an attack was coming enough of Zhaitan’s spies had been found loitering nearby that we were well aware it was only a matter of time. Watch Commander Talon had become regrettably complacent in his time on Claw Island and didn’t think it was necessary to listen to us. We tried to warn him. We tried to save everyone… There was only a few at first, few enough that the Lionguard didn’t need our help to take them down. We cleared the beach with them anyway, and maybe thats where we went wrong. That fight was over so quickly Talon was even more sure of his decision that Claw Island was incapable of falling. But then came the ships.” Tomomi stands and walks away from the group, choosing to talk to the other members of Dragon’s Watch rather than relive the battle within his sister’s story.

“Built from bone and rot, they rose from the water bringing the stench of death with them. Their catapults bombarded us with corpses. Most of them stood up to fight, but a few just hit the ground and coated the floor in a thin layer of flesh. We fought off as many as we could and managed to sink one or two of the ships but it made no difference. The walls were overrun, we had to fall back. Talon was a stubborn fool who wouldn’t call the retreat, said that Claw Island had stood for nearly a hundred years and how they couldn’t fall. Took a fatal blow before he realised his mistake. I’m not saying he deserved to die, but out of everyone we lost that day, he’s the one I miss the least. A lot of good people could have survived if he’d swallowed his pride.”

“The Lionguard rallied in the courtyard with the few Vigil I’d brought, drawing the attention of most of the undead while Trahearne, Tybalt, Tomomi, and I fought our way around the edges to reach the beacons. At least if we all fell that day, Lion’s Arch would be warned and ready to fight. We made it, and with all the beacons lit we made the foolish mistake of feeling hopeful. With all our remaining forces gathered in the courtyard, it felt like we could fight our way out without having to lose anyone else. There was already so many good soldiers laying dead by our feet. That was when it arrived. We weren’t ready to face one of the dragon’s champions, no one had any idea what it could do. It came from the skies, crushing one of the outer walls as it landed and letting in the undead that were trapped behind it still. But the worst part was its breath. It spewed corruption like it was Zhaitan itself, crippling and blinding our soldiers as we struggled to retreat. And those of us that had already fallen… The corruption wove its way around their corpses and dragged them into servitude. We found ourselves facing people that mere hours before had been our companions.” As she talked, Luna’s glow had faded to a dull, almost sickly colour, which was made all the more obvious by her twin at her side glowing as brightly as any sylvari in the low lighting of the night should be. On hand was still tightly holding onto Ashal, and with the other she had pulled an amulet off from where it hung at her neck and was gently rubbing at the back, a habit anyone who knows her will have seen her do before when she starts to reminisce.

“Those of us who were unaffected did our best to carry the wounded, but it was clear we weren’t going to get to the ships at the rate we were moving, and it did not seem like the winged beast would let us sail even if we did make it. And then… Tybalt stoped and at first I thought he was hurt. But he turned to me and said that he haven't always lived bravely, but he thought he’d like to die that way. He asked me to believe in him. I trusted that bastard so much, he’d been my partner since I joined Whisper and the chaos we’d gotten ourselves into and out of with the other at our back… Of course I believed in him. He turned and he ran back towards the fighting, closed the gates behind him. Last I heard from him was his shout that he wouldn’t let them have us, and the fiercest battle roar any charr would be proud of. I tried to go back for him. Tried to run in after and take him with us, but Tomomi held me tight. He wouldn’t let me go and dragged me back to the ships along with the rest of the survivors, we barely had enough people to fill one ship, let alone the eight moored there.” Luna stands, a little wobbly from the remaining alcohol in her system, but the stance she takes is one they recognise. It’s a far cry from their captain’s sister sat telling embarrassing stories that she had been earlier in the evening, this is now their Commander stood before them once more, ready to address the soldiers that fall under her lead.

“I would have died with Tybalt that day, if Tomomi hadn’t forced me to retreat with them. I’d never have been here to see the Pact be formed, let alone take command beside Marshal Trahearne. But I can’t help wonder what could have been if Watchmaster Talon had listened to us in the first place. If there’s one thing you take from this story, be it that hubris will not only get you killed, but will get everyone around you killed as well. Or perhaps a fate worse than death, should there be dragon’s corruption involved.”

With that final statement closed, she gives a half bow and leaves them, her wolf having moved from where he was resting on the outskirts of the party to take his place by her side once more as she returns to her own tent. The mood is sufficiently brought down and Tomomi’s squad find themselves unwilling to part ways, instead finding comfort in each other’s presences and choosing to move their bedrolls out under the stars so they can all rest together.

Ashal departs not long after they set themselves up, moving off after her sister to see how she’s faring, and leaving Canach alone to think on the story he’d just heard. His husband had never even shared the information that he’d been at that first fateful battle, and it occurs to him now why he goes so quiet and uncomfortable when Aurora mentions her charr friend, the mechanic. Still, these are thoughts for tomorrow, and he sets off to find his husband so they may enjoy the comfort of a long night in each other’s arms and let what tomorrow brings be the problem of the future.

[hangeladavis]

A Gift For You On My 30th Birthday

IT’S MY 30TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

This is an accurate portrayal of how I felt this morning when I woke up! 30!!!! WOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! I have lots of feels so I made a playlist. Naturally. So here are 30 songs (+1 for good luck) that I love and a little bit about them.

Knockin on Heaven’s Door by Bob Dylan - My mom says that this is the first song that came on the radio when we left the hospital. Imagining that it’s the first song I heard is nice.

I Love Your Smile by Shanice - When I was a baby child, this was my song! Every night when my dad got home from work and walked into our apartment in Queens I would run to him and ask him to play my song and I would sing it. HARD! Mind you I was like 2 or 3 but it didn’t matter.

Fly Like An Eagle by Seal - Can we talk about the Space Jam soundtrack!? It was vibe to my 6 or 7 year old self and it still goes! I feel like this album was the first time I really heard music. And felt it.

I Wanna Be Down by Brandy - Ok so my dad got those Columbia House cds for 1c or whatever and the first one he gave me was Brandy’s self titled album. You couldn’t tell me nothing!!! Hairbrush karaoke on a million!

Bills, Bills, Bills by Destiny’s Child - When “Writings on the Wall” came out, I really tried to convince my friends to do a backyard performance with choreography and everything. They said no but it was then at 9 that I knew I wanted to be an artist, a director specifically.

We Can’t Be Friends by Deborah Cox - Another in the Columbia House cd collection, I played this album out and knew every word. I played it last summer after not listening to it for at least 15 years and still knew every word and every riff.

My All by Mariah Carey - “I’d give my all/ To have/ Just one more night with you” I had no real context for what I was singing but I used to sing this song so hard! I miss classic Mariah.

Kick Your Game by TLC - That Crazy, Sexy, Cool album was so classic and it was hard to pick one song but this was my jam!

I’ll Be There by The Jackson 5 - Now that I am older I question if I really want someone to be there with that much fervor after a breakup but when baby MJ sings “just look over your shoulders honey, oooh!” I feel it in my soul!

Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson - This song sends me. From the very beginning, to the beat drop. And when she grabs the phone from him and tells his baby “He’s not coming back/because he’s sleeping with me!” thats a moment. No one wants to be on the receiving end of that call but Diana gets what she wants.

That’s The Way Love Goes - JANET! Queen of the Whisper Sing! Duchess of Tight Choreo! I was way too young to be singing this song but I blame my dad. It’s a sexy jam and I don’t regret it.

Are You That Somebody by Aaliyah - When I was 10, some friends and I danced to this song at our elementary school. My mom choreographed it, we got matching outfits and we performed it. Another group of girls (who were admittedly more popular) danced to “Maria, Maria” and they wore matching cowboy hats. Naturally, there was a showdown on the playground over who was better. Naturally.

Just a Friend 2002 by Mario - Westbury Middle School! It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mainly the worst of times cuz middle school is hellish and there is nothing you could do to make me want to relive those years. But one of the sweet moments was getting a mixed cd from this boy that had a crush on me and this was the first song. Swoon It worked. We dated for a while. It was cute.

My Life, My Love, My All by Kirk Franklin - This is the first song I ever choreographed and it changed my life. I was 10 years old. I showed my mother the choreo and she said teach me. It was in that moment that she validated my artistry. That’s why can’t nobody tell me nothing. I have been doing this for 20 years!

Healing by Richard Smallwood - My mother choreographed this piece for the church dance ministry, Choresis, at Memorial Presbyterian Church in Roosevelt, NY. It was one of their most popular pieces and it gave my mother the outlet she needed to dive headfirst into her artistry. I learned how to lead, facilitate and hold healing arts-centered space from my mother and the women she danced with. Their labor made me possible.

Air Force Ones by Nelly - Back to Westbury Middle School, this song is to honor the Air Force 1s wearing preteen I was. Ooh girl…

Ready For Love by India.Arie - When this song came out I thought I knew what it meant and sang it as such. Girl. Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl Girl… 15+ years later and the only thing I know is that I don’t know very much at all. Also this song is very hetero and I am indeed very queer. lol

I’ll Write A Song For You by Earth, Wind & Fire - Family road trips were not complete without this song. We still sing this song like it’s our job. I knew we were getting older when my brother Jordan couldn't hit the high notes.

As by Stevie Wonder - This song. Whew. When I was 10, my mother and I were asked to dance to this song at the funeral of a baby that died. We did and afterwards I was tore up. I kept thinking about my baby brother, Aaron, who has just been born and how I would feel if he died. I didn’t listen to this song for years. Until I really listened to the words and thought about a love that transcends space and time. This song inspired me to write a musical based on Stevie Wonder’s music. And it is my favorite song by my favorite singer.

Breathe from In The Heights Musical - Fast forward, my senior year of college my parents gave me tickets for In The Heights for Christmas. My best friend Lana and I sat in the second to last row in this Broadway house and when this song started I wept. I mean completely lost it. Because she was singing my story. I was flunking out of college my senior year and hadn’t told my parents. I had been a top student in high school and graduated #5 in my class. But I didn’t have words to name my anxiety, depression and fear that I had no idea what to do with my life after school. “And what will my parent say?/Can I go in there and say/"I know that I'm letting you down” This song still makes me cry.

I’m Here from The Color Purple Musical - I’ll let the song speak for itself. “I believe I have inside of me /Everything that I need to live a bountiful life/And all the love alive in me/I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree/And I'm thankful for every day that I'm given/Both the easy and hard ones I'm livin'/But most of all, I'm thankful for/Lovin' who I really am

Back That Azz Up - Ha! This is my favorite transition. This song is for my undergrad club days at A&T and the Blu&White fam.

Boogie Oogie Oogie by A Taste of Honey - But I don’t actually club for real because I am a grandma that missed my era. I could dance to disco all night actually.

Seasons of Love from RENT Musical - What can I say? I’m a theatre kid. This is for A&T’s theatre department that taught me so much and made me so much of who and how I am as an artist. And Rest in Peace to the mother of our theatre department, Frankie Day.

Screens by Zoocr�� featuring Al Strong - In 2016, I met a woman named Margaret A. Brunson who changed my life. (She has that effect on everyone) The first time we hung out she took me to an Kickstarter kickoff party for a band named Zoocrü. I had never heard of them before but as soon as they started playing I was like Who are these boys? I offered my administrative assistance for their campaign and it turned into more than I ever imagined. That offer is what pushed me into consulting and it’s been a joy to work with artists and creatives. I am grateful that our paths crossed.

Sunday Candy by Donnie Trumpet - My grandmother, my Nanny, Evelyne Marie Laisure Marshall passed away on September 29, 2017. Her living made me possible and her passing changed my life. I talk about grandmas so much because I dont know who I would be without her love. I miss her so much but I find her everywhere; in my red fingernail polish, in my card shuffling, in my baking, in my political analysis, in my care. And yes, in the candy dish in my living room.

F.U.B.U. by Solange - Last year I created a show called “Buy My Soul And Call It Art”. I had no idea what I was doing but my Nanny had passed and my cousin Michael had passed and the Universe was telling me to “do it scared”. This song was featured in the piece because I never wanted anyone to forget who this is for, who this is centering. “All my niggas in the whole wide world…”

I Want You by Erykah Badu - The second show in the trilogy is “Buy My Body And Call It A Ticket” and that show almost killed me. I had to go somewhere deep inside myself and that place is dark and scary and I wasn’t sure that I was gonna make it out. But I did. And what brought me back was this. “I want you.” I want my body. I want my life. I want my love. I want myself.

I Need You To Survive by Hezekiah Walker - Show number 3 (which will be rebooted) is “Buy My Art And Call It Holy”. Though I don’t consider myself a Christian, I cannot separate myself from my Christian upbringing and this is one of my favorite songs. When I sing it I am singing it out to my people. I am singing to you. “I need you/ You need me/We’re all apart of one body”

Never Would Have Made It by Marvin Sapp - Yall there have been times when I wasnt sure if I was gonna make it to 30. Seriously. Depression and anxiety is real. Sometimes it zaps the desire to be right out of me. But I am here. And I am so grateful. Here’s to another day, another week, month, year, decade!

Crazy, Classic, Life by Janelle Monae - Did ya’ll think there wouldnt be some Janelle Monae on here!?! This is my theme song! Let’s ride this thing til the wheels fall off!

[crybabybyee]

i feel like utter shit this morning.

so yesterday i came to the realisation of why he’s in that different server. i did some digging and found out the girl he first cheated on me with is in that server...

at first i just felt that stab of betrayal but then i didn’t care? obviously, he ALWAYS goes back to her his ‘dominatrix’ mistress. so i wasnt surprised at all. but it just played on my mind all night and i just pushed it away...

went to sleep and dreamt i was in the game and knowing he was with HER the whole time and it fucking sucked...woke up at 5.30 cuz baby was awake, then had another nap and had the same fucking dream...

i never wanted to think or dream of her again. she is the reason i have ptsd in the first place - the thought of him being ‘controlled’ in a sexual way when i was the opposite, i was submissive (and he ~tried~ to be dominant) and would make out he loves doing it to me, and loves that im submissive. but i would always imagine the roles reversed, except with her. because thats how he was in the beginning and i didnt ‘satisfy’ him. i lost SO much confidence and self esteem thanks to him and this fucking slag, who sounds like she smokes 20 a day, and she KNEW about me, she used to hang around us and even made conversation with me once!!! and she said to him when i found out “this is why youre supposed to keep things like this secret!”

she is the worst type of woman around. the women hating kind, but acts like she is friendly to your face.

and the dreams made me realise... what if they plan to ‘bump’ into me in game? so he can rub in my face that he got back with the woman who caused me the most trauma...? i absolutely fucking hate him...

why did it have to be her? why couldnt he just carry on with his list of other girls elsewhere? oh because he knew i was going back to the game. he WANTS to hurt me. im so scared. why did she even have to move other our data center? i felt safe because our worlds couldnt cross during duties, or you couldnt travel to the other data centre. part of me really regrets buying sub, but i had a nice time playing it yesterday and was looking forward to again.

i checked his steam a while ago (is this to be my life now..?) to see if he had been playing last night/today after those awful dreams...but he didnt even play since the 20th. which i find odd, but then, he will have her on discord so probly saying nasty things there all day e_e i hope they just stick to discord and he hardly comes on anymore. but it explains why one of his crafters is higher level than anything else right now... because thats what they used to do. she would ‘order’ him around to gather materials or craft stuff that she needed in game, and repay him with sexual favours. it’s just so gross that im having to relive a huge past trauma but...at the same time, i dont give a fuck anymore. as long as they dont rub it in my face and i never see them. and if i do...i will probly end up saying things, i just dont want to embarass myself, only him

but i did so well the last couple weeks of not checking his activity, and i felt free. and now im putting myself back in the same position, i wish i could have just left ff in the past. but i cant. my character is me, i feel like i am her, particularly when im out of touch with reality and dissociating she grounds me. but i kind of just view myself as her, because its better than viewing my own ugly ass self, whos face has become ugly and scowly the last few years.

i used to be pretty please can i smile and laugh and be pretty again

[kandadiff]

They Call Me Idol - 4

------

Jennie sat by the window of the coffee suite Blackpink was sharing with Big Bang currently. Big Bang booked the cafe as a way to stay close to the hospital and to see who was going in and out. She sighed and looked back at her group, Jisoo handing her a cup of coffee. “🍥 you would think she's the president, so many people coming to her. So who cares? Did you know Jiyong was robbed too? Did he get this much attention?”

“In Korea he did.” Rose said. She had been uncomfortable this whole time. She hated having to be on one side or the other. She still liked you a lot while also loving her own group, she hated having pinned both against each other. “She's more international.”

“Like us.” Lisa mumbled and daesung pushed her playfully. “But I bet it was a suicide attempt, I mean come on she had only GD and now he's with you so I bet that whole robbery story was concocted and she's just a drunk. We all knew that.”

“Don’t talk about her like that.” Taeyang said getting up feeling sick hearing that. Lisa rolled her eyes, 

“I bet it was that, she likes attention.”

“Thats true; remember when Jungkook was flirting with you at MAMA?” Jisoo asked “And she was upset the whole night. She's jealous.”

“But why torture him like that? He just wants to set the story he's with me and make sure she's okay, but they are heartless in there. They don’t want to tell anyone anything, Its so cruel.”

“It’s their business wether to tell anyone or not.” TOP said drinking his coffee deep in thought. “Although I know I can get him in - only him- if I can talk to Kalyn. However with Maximus here I won't be able to do that. I need to find a way to speak to her in private.”

“Do whatever you have to do,” GD said walking out of the bathroom walking towards the window. “Follow her she's leaving. Oh max is going.” he turns back focusing on the girls “Rose go distract Max.”

“Me?!” She stood up confused “I - Um - how? I- I can’t what would I say? Listen Jiyong, I'd be absolutely no help, I only met him twice I doubt he'd even remember who I was.”

“You're not asking him out on a date Rose, you’re distracting him long enough to get Kalyn alone. Seunghyung don’t waste this opportunity.” He ordered practically picking up rose and tossing her towards Maximus. 

Rose for a minute didn't move until GD pushed her again. “Kay!” She breathed out relieved when I turned around and jogged over to me. “Hey, I was wondering if I can ... um.. is she okay?”

“Yeah; do you want to see her now? I mean the room is a little crowded.”

“Yes actually” Rose said forgetting about Gd’s orders and honestly just wanting to be able to see you. She was the closest with you in blackpink and took it the hardest when you left and unlike the other girls still supported you. I looked over at Yugyeom about to tell him to take her when Max volunteered seeing a big package move past him with your name on it. 

“I’ll go with her.” Max said kissing my cheek “be careful, if you need anything at all, call okay?” He whispered and I nodded and kept walking while Rose was brought upstairs. 

----

Changkyun, Yugyeom and I arrived at your hotel room only then did I see the mess the robbers left behind and it broke my heart. Everything was thrown carelessly around, broken, and ripped up. No care was given to the things that held no material meaning. The sloth I got you had been ripped up, the stuffing thrown around the room, you drawers all over the floor, the clothes stomped on and even some of your jewelry was in pieces around the room. “Are you okay?” Changkyun asked putting his hand on my shoulder. When I nodded We walked in, the boys searching each room while I stood in the living room not wanting to see the rest of the suite. 

The princess ring Edward had gotten you lay flattened on the floor, they must've stepped on it, the entire tiara flattened rather then round and when Yugyeom brought me your jewelry box, it was in shambles. Everything of value gone and anything they couldn’t sell they broke. I had been holding in a lot of emotions during this whole thing. I tried not to think about the death looming over your shoulder, or the fact that because of people sick twisted love for seeing celebrities fail no one helped you, or that you were targeted and this could have happened to Katya too. It all seemed to crash down on me and I didn’t even realize I was crying until Changkyun pulled me into him. “It’s going to be okay baby. It’s all going to be okay, I promise. I’m here for you and I’ll make sure you’re alright no matter what, okay?” I couldn’t stop the sobs that left my body. Yugyeom tried to help me but didn’t know exactly what to do so instead he finished recording all that was stolen. 

When he was nearly done he noticed Seunghyun leaning in the doorway and narrowed his eyes at him in an attempt to mask his nervousness. “What are you doing here?” Seunghyun said nothing instead motioned to me on the couch. Changkyun turned back and shook his head. Seunghyun nodded letting the two younger boys know he wasn’t leaving without speaking to me, however neither maknae were moving. 

So TOP moved towards me, Changkyun shooting up to stop him bringing my attention to him. “I don’t want to argue, I just wanted to talk.” Seunghyun said glaring at Changkyun wondering when and why he became so protective. Changkyun looked at me waiting for the slightest nod to kick TOP out but it never came. 

“Okay.” I said wiping my eyes on my sleeve. I looked at the other boys “Give us a moment please.”

“Are you sure?” Changkyun asked quickly and I nodded.

“Yes.” 

“We’ll be over there if you need us.” Yugyeom said already texting Jackson what was happening. They made themselves comfortable in the bedroom the door still ajar so they could hear.

“🍡can we speak in Japanese?” Seunghyun asked “🍡I don't want them to hear what I have to say.” I nodded “🍡Thank you, first I want to say, im sorry this is happening you know if you need anything im here. and I wish you would have called me.”

“🍡It happened quickly, I couldn’t call anyone. did you know her mom didn’t even visit? she knows. I managed to call her and she sent flowers, flowers! her daughter is in a coma and she sends flowers! She's in the city!” Seunghyun shakes his head.

“🍡She's not meant to be a parent.” I nodded “I’m happy she has you at least.” he wipes a stray tear from my cheek. “💥You do good in situations like this, you helped me more then I could ever repay you.” I shrugged leaning back on the couch not wanting to relive the trauma inducing situation with TOP’s suicide attempt and my desperation to get from NY to Seoul as quick as I could. “🍡I’m sorry you have to do this again, I never wanted to do that to you.”

He called me right before he tried doing it, the hopelessness and broken voice still haunted my darkest thoughts and I constantly blamed myself for not answering it, even though he admitted that he wasn’t thinking straight and his call was mad when I was fast asleep at 4 in the morning my time. He said he loved me and he was sorry he had to leave but he’ll see me in the next life and I spent over $4,000 in an attempt to get to him as soon as I could, only for his mom not to allow me access to him only taking that back when I stayed outside his hospital room for the three days he was in a coma. It was the worst experience ever, not sure wether he was going to live or die and that last message replaying over and over in my head. 

“🍡Its different; she didn’t do it on purpose.” 

“🍡I know but still seeing her like that, I know its not easy for you.” he said taking my hand in his and I sighed. “Which is why you should let gd see her, and before you stop me-” he paused like I was about to stop him and was surprised when I didn’t “🍡I remember the converstion we had in the hospital about how scared you were; how scared I made you and I wanted to die because of that.” 

“🍡I remember.”

“🍡Thats how Gd feels; he's so scared for Adi but he's not willing to say that, He just wants to see her, asleep or not just please. Once and when she wakes up and if she says no ill make sure he stays away.” The silence that filled the air was long as I thought about what he was saying. It was true, what if you woke up and got upset when I refused him up there or what if something happened to you and he couldn’t even say anything to try and make it better? The doctor said you could hear everything as you slept what if whatever he said made the heartbreak easier? 

“🍡I would have to do it with the room empty so he wouldn’t have much time.” TOP nodded “🍡But okay just for a little and when I say its done then its done.”

“Okay.” He smiled and I nodded “are you okay, do you want me to get you something.”

“I’ll be fine.” I said standing up calling for the other boys “I have to go.”

-

“This pasta is so nasty.” Makayla made a face while eating the cafeteria pasta and walking back up to the room with Jinyoung. 

“Honestly I’m going to order uber, what do you want-”

“Jinyoung!” He heard the soft lilting voice of a woman and turned around seeing Astrid Jeong herself. 

“Astrid!” He smiled having Makayla hold the cold pasta he was eating while he greeted the woman. “How are you? Wheres your brother?”

“He’s sitting over there with Nathaniel .” She said motioning behind her “Poor thing has been checking his phone every three seconds waiting for it to turn on, it died and he's been so worried and with all the new security here they don’t want to give out her information without someone from upstairs coming to get us.” He looked over seeing and reaching in his pocket along with another man he didn’t recognize, must be Nathaniel. 

“Oh im sorry Astrid my phone was upstairs.”

“Don’t worry about it.” She smiled and called to her brothers. they followed Jinyoung upstairs as he got them caught up and introduced them around the room as Adi’s Chinese future family. 

GD who was pleading on the phone with woo, heard it. 

[thevoxybunch]

more thoughts on boxman’s parenting

its just more rumination and observations. i have a lot of thoughts about it and i kinda wanted them in one place. everyone is free to ignore or engage as they wish.

at first a lot of the bad parenting came across as really, really cartoony, and its only until more recent episodes that it took a dive for the worst. stuff like boxman throwing darrell's head in a furnace even suddenly seems inconsequential when you learn that darrell likes to explode his body for fun and that they're a hivemind of sort. and ive already mentioned how it feels out of place for boxman’s character, but it hardly changes that it is in fact boxman’s character. 

there seems to be a strong emphasis in parenting in this show in general, too. i enjoy the fact we've seen all sorts of families in the show, both from villains and heroes. i know as someone who was raised by a single mom, ko and carol are really relatable. anyway. the show continues this emphasis in villains night out/in where in the same episode(s) we were shown examples of venomous’ good parenting in contrast to boxman’s bad parenting. a lot of the times i keep wondering what the ok ko crew wants to accomplish. there is after all as diverse parenting as there is children, and while i do not underestimate the intelligence a child audience is capable of, i do find myself wondering what they’re trying to pull off with cartoon characters parenting in the same style cult leaders do to keep loyalty in their inner circles. ok ko has depth, correct, but its also a show that's major appeal has to do with how much it doesn't take itself serious. 

listen. okay. i think what im trying to say is that the reason i'm wary of all of this is that while boxman is a great character, my favorite even, how am i supposed to react to a show that portrays an abusive father as sympathetic and likable? its less about my feelings towards boxman as a character, but more about my feelings about the show's writing and the crew's choices. 

what are the possible outcomes of this?

i keep thinking about how committed the ok ko would have to be in this topic. i think that's why im wary, im uncertain of their commitment to portray such a delicate topic to an audience of children. its not something thats black and white to actual abuse victims. its a delicate topic with a lot of nuance. 

here's the thing, there are kids getting abused in real life. and im sure among some of them enjoy ok ko. and kids are really, really forgiving of their parents. even when they hurt them. its not really until they're a lot older and they have hopefully, ideally, have disentangled themselves from their parent's grip on their reality, that they must confront the decision of forgiveness with more open eyes. because as kids, we don't fully comprehend how a certain power dynamic is being abused, we just feel it. some of us don't even process our abuse as a survival tactic and it isnt until we become older that we have to relive those memories without filters. its only when victims really grow up is when they can understand and both sympathize and condemn their parents appropriately. they learn that it wasn't their fault. they learn that while perhaps one parent was suffering from a bad relationship, that doesn't mean the kid has to pay for it. basically, we see a fuller picture. we can see why a parent acted a certain way, without having to justify it or forgive it. and even those who forgive their abusers, are often fully aware they are under no obligation to provide forgiveness. if forgiveness is extended its because the victim still finds something beneficial in it, its for them is what im saying. but its never because an abuser is /owed/ forgiveness, by default, even if they have changed. look you see how complicated that all is? 

like what im trying to get at is even if boxman suddenly becomes a better parent in the show it wouldn't change the fact that he had abused his kids in the past. we can speculate for days about why boxman parents the way he does, i've seen all sorts of interesting theories, but none of them would be close to enough justification for parenting vulnerable teenage minded robot children. when and if the changes in boxman's behaviors happen, how will it be portrayed? will we see the robot kids learning to carefully, very cautiouslly, demand better, providing a positive example for kids in these same situations? will they finally act out like kids being hurt often do? will everything be "okay" now and will boxman never, ever, mess up again? will the robot kids have the chance to see boxman unfiltered in a way thats usually, realistically, only accomplished by victims who become adults? how would the writers show what would happen if boxman slips up? will there a message to more adult audiences of the show that even if you can't change the past you can still change things now? that its not too late? but your kids still, will never, owe you anything? 

listen. i know a lot of what im touching here may seem it as an exaggeration. and maybe it is. but im preoccupied with the fact that there are real kids out there, with confused, conflicting, feelings about their parents who have both hurt them and nurtured them. growing up like that is disorienting. it influences how you perceive love and affection and disrespect all the same. and because of this, i think about how those same kids might respond to whatever developments the show decides to do. i know for me, cartoons taught me things that no one else would. i learned how to communicate because of television. and i think if this bad parenting is supposed to be cartoony, they're doing a bad job at portraying it that way. many people have already touched upon how close to home some of boxman's scenes with his kids are. kids can probably laugh at a cartoon character throwing a robot in a furnace, but what happens when you have that same cartoon character manipulate his kids? one scenario is distanced from reality while the other is not. 

listen. at the end of the day, its not even about boxman. i just feel like if you're going to have a show that portrays real abuse then you better show what real healing looks like too. 

[helenofsimblr]

Scrooge was a VICTIM!

So in today’s world, it is unacceptable to bully another surely the same was true in Dickens time. I want you to consider how poor Scrooge was manipulated and made a victim by the ghosts, this is a long post, but please stick with it. As always, tongue in cheek!

First, Scrooge doesn’t like Christmas. There is nothing wrong with that! Christmas has lost all religious significance now, and is just a way for shops to sell turkeys and tatty Christmas baubles! This was as true in Scrooge’s day as it is now. Scrooge knew it, and hated it. He was truly ahead of his time.

“Ah but he was mean and turned away two people looking for a donation” I hear you say. Ok. True, he did. And on the face of it, that was mean. But, how many times have you walked down the street, and been stopped by somebody with a clipboard asking you for X amount per month to support Charity X? Yeah... Thats what I thought! At Christmas, these charity muggers think that they can squeeze you for money because everybody is naturally putting their hands in their pockets. Scrooge, once again, was ahead of the curve!

Bob Cratchit had a bad deal? He was overworked and underpaid... Well done Dickens... you’ve just described about 79% of the working population then, and now! But, he got Christmas day off and paid. Also, if it was so shit... why didn’t he get another job? Clerks were a valuable commodity back then. Especially as reading and writing were like actual massive skills!

So later now, Marley’s ghost visits Scrooge. And basically frightens the CRAP out of him claiming that if Scrooge doesn’t change his way, he’ll be a ghost wrapped up in chains. Which admittedly doesn’t sound good. But Marley used fear tactics and intimidation to make his points, which Mr Marley is unacceptable! Scrooge was an old man, he could have had a heart condition or anything! Medical advances then aren’t what they are now.

So, we have the ghost of Christmas Past. This ghost basically:

Reminds Scrooge of how lonely he was as a child

How all he had was his sister

How his boss treated him like son... I don’t know many bosses who would treat me like a daughter, so I take this with a pinch of salt.

Makes him relive the pain of his fiance leaving him because he was a workaholic. 

Then! To rub salt in the wound! The ghost shows Scrooge his former fiance happily married to some other geezer with a big happy family! 

What the fuck!?!? What a low shitty blow!! So the night goes on. This time we got the ghost of Christmas present... *takes a deep breath* 

This ghost first takes Scrooge to a market, where, brainwashed into buying the makings of Christmas dinner in a frenzy he can observe people. 

Scrooge sees a miner in a cottage looking very happy. Probably thrilled to bits he isn’t down a mine in pitch black for one day. I’d love Christmas too if that was my lot in life, to be down a mind hunched over like Quasi-fucking-modo.

He also sees Fred his nephew. Now earlier Scrooge rejected Fred’s offer to come over probably because Scrooge didn’t want to play charades or twister, or, God help us... monopoly. I’d refuse too!

But the biggest part of this ghostly abuse, is taken up with Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim. Here the ghost cleverly uses emotional blackmail and a massive guilt trip on Scrooge. Tiny Tim is seriously ill, and unless Scrooge changes events he’s gonna die.

Well fuck me! There we go! Scrooge, Tiny Tim’s survival is down to you. “Dr Scrooge report to surgery, stat!” Honestly... HOW THE FUCK does Tiny Tim’s survival depend on Scrooge loving Christmas??!! What if Scrooge is a vegetarian and doesn’t want to eat Turkey!? What a manipulative son of a bitch!

So, the ghost of Christmas yet to come is meant to be the worst? Well I don’t know, the first two have done a wonderful job of setting the bar for being a cruel bastard so I have my doubts...

So it starts with Scrooge seeing a funeral of a disliked man. Ok... Plenty of them in the world, just switch on the news you can take your fucking pick!

 Local businesses will attend if there is food. Typical of a local business out for a free lunch... even at a funeral, no class!

So the “Disliked man’s” housekeeper and the undertaker steal some of this things and sell them. Well that’s pretty shitty of them!

So Scrooge is thinking, this must be me. And asks for the ghost to show him people who are emotional over the death, and the ghost shows him two people happy as they were in debt to the man and have more time to put their finances in order.

So it seems even in Dickensian times, people were shit with money and in debt. I wish my credit card debt could be solved so fucking easily! Yay! MasterCard has just died! I now have time to pay it off! Woo! I bet you, those smug motherfuckers at the funeral, will not get their finances in order, because they’ll see that new horse and cart they’ve been after and probably get into more debt buying it! 

All of that is just a bit meh, but, my friends, the ghosts had it all worked out! Like a trio of vicious bullies, the first two tripped Scrooge the third shoved him down!

The final ghost shows scrooge that Tiny Tim has in fact died.  Clearly, this is ALL Scrooge’s fault.

Finally we see Scrooge’s grave neglected and uncared for. 

Well, here’s the thing, Scrooge had no fucking family!! Because his bitch fiance left him and clearly he never got over her!! So who the fuck is going to tend his grave?! But of course!! A neglected grave can be solved by loving Christmas!! 

So Scrooge, having had a full night of mind fuck, wakes up a changed man. He sends a turkey to Bob Cratchit as he presumes that a hearty meal will help make Tiny Tim less ill, logical but whether Tim makes it or not, we don’t know. I’m always amazed how he managed to get a Turkey on Christmas Morning, not even a supermarket is open on Christmas morning surely!?

Then he gives Cratchit a raise, and becomes like a second father to Tiny Tim. That may not have been a bad thing, perhaps Bob wasn’t the best father and maybe Tiny Tim died because those smug motherfuckers I mention earlier ran him down with their new horse and cart? Either way, Scrooge clearly doesn’t want Tiny Tim’s death on his conscience because the ghosts implied directly that Scrooge could somehow save him. I worry for what becomes of Scrooge if Tiny Tim did die. Scrooge would likely need counselling after that, Scrooge’s mental health takes a fucking beating in this story.

So to sum up, the ghosts: 

Brought up several bad memories, 

Made him relive heartbreak and those bad memories

Used contemporary propaganda to begin moulding his hurt psyche to their preferred trains of thought.

They manipulate via a horrific guilt trip Scrooge into thinking that only he and he alone can save Tiny Tim from death.

They show him how he’s going to die. What a shock... in other news, water: wet. 

Then they blackmail him into becoming part of a child’s life who he doesn’t even fucking know! Following their earlier successful manipulation into thinking only he can save Tiny Tim.

They show him his own grave untended and messy to deliver the knockout punch on this all nighter of brainwashing and mind fuckery.

Scrooge was a victim guys. So next time you watch a christmas Carol. Take a good look and see the truth! Poor Scrooge.

[some-bitch-named-destyni]

his name....is not finn.

at like 2:40 a.m. i meet a guy on grindr. this guy hits on me in the typically angry and abrasive fashion i have designed my profile to solicit from men of a certain variety, and so we get to talking then wind up on camera, me expecting the same shit as usual....in between midnight meeting with strange men in unknown and unsafe places, i get my need to self destruct and overcome the mind numbing boredom of sociopathic lack of fear satisfied by getting even more men off over the internet on camera... and then, last night happened.

his name, is not finn.

its robert. but he gies by finn. finn has four les pauls, recording machines...the works an entire worling fucking studio. lives in middle tennesse but has been to atlanta many times bc HE ACTUALLY PLAYS MUSIC MIDTOWN EVERY YEAR SINCE 2013 im watching the shit behind him on camera, the house hes in, the guitars on the walls, the records hanging around the cords and amps and pedals... and hes alone. he lives alone, its his place. FINN IS 23. thats all. 23. he got into it all, along with a little band that came from Knoxville tennessee in 2009 named 10 Years...who if u follow rock, u have to know. this is a massivelt succsesfull mainstream alternative rock act. one of my favorite bands.

so here we are.

its five a.m. were still talking, not fucking.

about music and art and finns ideas on sexuality not being real.

odd for someone whos telling me they wanna grudge fuck me bc i have extintential philosophers words tattoos up my arm, and then jump from a well worded rape fanatasy back to intellectual artistic expresssionary approach debate and metjod, use, deploymwnt methods and how they more prolifically provide correct walls of sound they assail the sensations of emotions in pattern sufficient to stimulate a response.

and were talking, then its almost six.

finn has to leave for "work" soon.

hes recording one of the three bands he plays in this a.m.

here i am, on cam talking like were actually getting to know, and enjoy knowing who each other are, with this man

a sound engineer for 10 Years touring company.

Actually. what the actual fuck is happening right now.

he looks like youd expect, having seen these guys on t.v and all, hes tall...6'1 not super tall but taller.

hes stocky and has bushy curly short hair and a clean face, complete with black shirts, wrist bands, leather vest/whatever material that is... the typical rock guy look. and youngish. p young looking yeah.

and i could see it all his house was fucking unreal the shit in that house, the music, drum sets . bass processors, computers studio monitors mic stands... and just i forgot about itnall speaking to him for three and a half hours bc he thinks so fucking different from anyone ive met before him. completely challanges every basic assumption of society that he can.

but then has the self discipline to make this all happen by his age. has the real world common sence, the extraverted thinking to handle the nessesary tedium that makes it possible for this creative energy to become something, and be used and marketed and produce a way to live for himself.

he confounds me sideways. these two opposite people, one part myself, one part my opposite???

i almost tell myself he wants it worse then i do, but thats not it, it cant be it. id die for it.

i would do anything. id give anything, go anywhere, crawl to china. id lose anything, live anything, repeat this entire awful miserable unbearable horrific life ive had three times for it.

id do anything anything id go to the ends of the earth id forsake anyone, id suffer any loss to get just a moment of chance

a moment a single opportunity is all id need and i would light a fucking fire so large it would blind everyone involved.

so yeah i want this sound in my head out, and onto an album just as bad as him or anyone so its not that he wants it worse.

so what then? why is this kid able to be me, and then some...and also not be me enough to actually be living the life he is already?

is it bc its not real? is that it? make me feel better. tell me that i am valid since im tragic enough to

have this incredible talent and yet at the same time have it come from something inside so FUCKED that having it means never being known, never heard, never shine bright like the fact of my creative passion could, and be unlived, then die never having spoken to the world like i should have could have would have

bc im valid so. bc im better. make me feel better. tell me its bc i am REALLY fucked. not pretend fucked for the sake of fashion in rock. not forced or mimiced or copied. and thats what he is right bc if not he wouldnt be well enough to make this happen.

but then, i know its a lie.

i wanna believe it, but i know its a lie. a beautiful, perfect lie. bc i know if i got the part out of the way that cripples me, id still have the rest to write from and create from. and still be capable of what i have been since birth.

so...im lazy? am i lazy? internally, mentally lazy? like or just for aomeone who loves to take pride in their pain, am unable to take the pain of change inside that facilitates the construction of a life like finns... what is it? do i just watch finn now and wait for a secret thats never coming?

I HAVE A DREAM. A NIGHTMARE. ALL MY LIFE I HAVE HAD IT OVER AND OVER. IN IT I AM 70 YEARS OLD , THO ILL NEVER REALLY MAKE IT TO THAT AGE, THE IDEA REMAINS THAT MY LIFE HAS COME AND GONE AND IM GREY AND WRINKLED AND LIEING DOWN AS I GASP FOR BREATH AND THEN I SEE AROUND MY BODY FROM ABOVE

im alone. poor. broke. in beggars clothes. in the gutter, in the filthy city streets, in the cold in winter. im that homeless decay you pass for the smell and then i die there. and thats it. thats what i let happen. i let this go on unti, i ran out of time to change it, and i never did a rhing. never made it, never finally got the shit insode out, never began to burn bright, never started playing live, never recorded, never anything. the thing inside i have that i alone see the magnitude of, and would only have ever really shown to anyone through true sucsess, it never MEANT A F U C K I N G T H I N G A T A L L

now in this mornings call with finn, i begin to see that dream take shape in my reality. soon. its creeping with an slythe above its shoulder just behind me. im here alone like this. deluding myself that this little computer screen is somehow a substitute for a real relationship, delluding myself that i actually am this sad imaginary projection i want to be lercieved as in this fake little digital world. making due with this as if its even happening for real . as of anyone or any idea on this small machine in my lap is life, or love, or me, or actual.

but here where my body is, where i cant take a good picture of me to hide my age, where my personality disorders are, where i am weird and different , where i am an addict, where i am unconventional and do things others wont want near them bcmof the risk i bring to myself, where my body is. my real body .... here there is not a fucking person with or like me. i have some temporary help as i stumble foolishly through my fucked circumstamce from my family, that ofc is going aay everyday, as that nightmare i mentioned begins to take shape. bc they gonna die before me unless i take my death into my oen hands and then that nightmare i have will have shaped fully and begin looking me in the eyes.

so, here i am. 10 a.m.

fuck this guy.

hes sexy, he wants me, and hes my type as in in another life serious boyfriend material . no kids, no phobics, trans or homo, no issues seeing me as who i am, and then also my creative and intellectual counterpart. and hes not very far like a w hour drive. and alllllllll so it makes it feel odd bc he seems like the worst thing for me, that only this situation would develope the addition of feelings have no room for amidst my chaos... i need to be LESS in romance with ppl not fucking MORE... or have someone else establish those feelings for me either just either way..bad idea. and so fuck him

mean it fuck this guy.

fuck this finn, robert whatever and fuck his life

fuck his guitars.

like i needed this shit? i needed to see this? needed to know him? or to have him that, weird weird convo for that long ...the longest ive spoken to someone new in years at once , and not even wind up wanting me for a nut before he got off the vam etc... just fuck this shit.

but not that it seems like that with him, im a combo of not romantic at all, and already emotionally spoken for HARDCORE by aomeone i am trying and fightimg with all i can to stop, STOP being romantically attached to.. so.. no new fucked romance crap for me please. i mention it bc it seems like what happens to me usially, and for no other reason then that.

but as for what i am SURE OF WITH FINN..for tnat... F U C K him

reminding me that im more then shit, reminding me that im throwing away things thousands of people never get to have or would kil, to be able to do like i can. remininding me that im more then this 4 a.m. methamphetamine induced desperate attempt to distract myself from throwing myself away, and relive the pain again, once more, one ,ore gimme one more time always...always need one more sex session where i live out how my father never loved or accepted or appreciated me in my own head again, and keep that defining pain in Clear FUCKING FOCUS FOREVER. KEEP IT HERE. KEEP THAT PAIN HERE. RIGHT IN MY ARMS, CRADLE IT, CLOSE TO MY CHEST, CLOSE TO MY HEART , EMBRACE FEED NURTURE IT GROW IT, LET ITS POISON VINES GROW INTO MY SKIN AND FEED ME FILTH HAPPILY, always one more man, one more moment of disrespect, one more instamce of debasing myself to remind me why i ket myself almost die in a hospital last winter, why ill be sleeping in the cold wind again before spring, and why ill never walk right again or run at all. why im this old and sti,, here, remind me why im trapped by my that talent im so thoughtlessly wasting daily, and...

finn reminds me. fuck him.

he reminds me im doing it , in at least part, by choice.

he takes my excuse away. takes away my escape.

lies, inside lies, inside lies..... finn shows up at 3 a.m. when ur only awake to do things like throw away potential of this magnitude and destroy your human body.

invades my momemt of distraction from the truth of how responsible i really am for this now, and reminds me that

its still out there. the chance i wanted, the opportunity to get the music out and realize that potential ratner then become that 25 year nightmare i have in my future currently...

tne hope, the possibility, the chance to burn finally

burn bright like a star, and shine so hard i can be seen for miles and miles by millions of people

its stil, out there.

fuck finn. i didnt need to remember that.

bc i am what i predict, i am what i know i will do. i am what i will and i dont have that other thing he does. common sense, extraverted thinking, strength to rid myself the demons so i can at least get it going. i dont have it, and im to terrified to let go the crutch ive found that gets me by with the maniac mind i carry and endure. i am not him, and i can not gather the strength to face the world without my crutch so i can then rise to the talent i toss in the trash more each day. i wont even consider it. its all ive got here. its all ive found through all this bullshit life thats made it even half way tolerable. and weather for my own better, weather i be to weak to sacrafice, weather i be to cowardice to dare to even attempt, or be to patnetic to for once FOR ONE TIME TAKE SOME PAIN FOR MY BENEFIT RATHER THEN MY DESTRUCTION.... even if its all true and i am very very responsible for how this hapoens here...

its ok.

bc that just makes me real right? and ive got that. and ill have it now, the rest of the way, to finish the ride,

all of the ride. ill have it. the truth, il. have that i was so cursed and gifted by the same thing that it overcame itself in me

and il. have that genuine authenticity, il. have that close as i finish this ride. the rest of the way.

all of the way.

all the

FuCkINg wAy DOWN

down down down down the only place im gonna go

and il. see finn from underneath, and everyone else who heard of or knew me from below

where i will burn in hell

[mikecardenmpreg]

recovery, etc.

so its been just about a year since i got back into therapy and i just want to say this because i didnt make it clear enough when it happened. when i went in for my intake session last december, they wanted to hospitalize me. like. that day. right then. they didnt even want to finish the interview. they just wanted to admit me. because people reporting numbers like mine were in hospitals on suicide watch. they did not want me to leave the premises. i had to assure them that i wasnt going to kill myself (even though i knew that wasnt a promise i could make). i had to sign a CONTRACT promising i would not kill myself before my first therapy session. the intake specialist was skeptical but he let me go (though he had no idea how i was able to function on a daily basis - jokes on him though because i wasnt functioning at all). he had a look in his eye that told me he wasnt sure letting my leave was a good idea. when i went to my first therapy session with ann a few weeks later, she also wanted to hospitalize me and again i found myself assuring someone i didnt know that i wasnt going to kill myself (and that still wasnt a promise i could make). a year ago i was so sick that i was nearly hospitalized for my own safety and for the safety of others. i smiled and joked and laughed through it all. i reblogged relatable sad posts. i tried not to make it seem like it really bothered me. but i was barely hanging on. 

i got my diagnosis on december 13th. i didnt talk to ann much but i told her just enough for her to deduce i had bpd. its something i knew for at least two years. i sat with my knees to my chest the entire session, uttering a few words here and there, picking at the fraying knees of my jeans. she took notes. she told me my numbers were concerning, that people with numbers like these are generally in inpatient care. i stared. nothing behind my eyes. i was a shell. she said “hopefully next time we meet youll be more comfortable with me and we can talk some more”. i felt like an asshole for sitting there and wasting her time. i thought i was a lost cause. i thought there was no way i was gonna get better.

and for the longest time i didnt. i was hurting so much. i was separated from all my friends and still dealing with the aftermath of not one but two absolutely devastating (at the time) rejections. i wanted to kill myself so badly but didnt have the means to do it efficiently and effectively (ive always been too scared to actually try to kill myself in case it didnt work - something ive told my therapist). i felt like the biggest fucking loser. i remembered the summer of 2012 and thinking (back then) that there was no way i could feel worse than i did then. i was wrong. how i felt in december 2016 through january-march 2017 was the worst ive ever felt in my entire life. looking back its mostly static. dont remember a lot of it. all i remember is being angry and suicidal and wanting to hurt everyone around me.

in april i started dbt. it took awhile for me to get into the class. ann had me take other classes to help cope with my other problems (anxiety mostly) and helped me process some of my issues until i could get into dbt. borderline is a little out of her area of expertise but she knows how to listen and is very very good at validating all my little hang ups (i love my therapist).

it took me a few weeks to see the value in dbt. for the first few months all it did was dredge up old shit and trigger me until i was hollow and numb. every week it felt like i was being ripped open and flayed. every week i got to relive a different traumatic memory. every week i disassociated to keep myself safe in this room of strangers (who were also disassociating to keep themselves safe). (disassociation is not a healthy coping mechanism) 

but then i went on medication for my depression and anxiety and the combination of that, dbt, and regular therapy sessions actually began to like work? like? thats wild? and i started to see changes in my life because i was learning how to communicate appropriately and deal with my trauma effectively. and i stopped dwelling on the things that made me feel bad and started diving in to the things that made me feel good. i started spending more time with friends and reaching out and actually putting an effort into being a better friend. i started being honest and open with my parents about my progress rather than being super secretive and hiding things. and somehow the constant stress dreams and nightmares and violent thoughts and suicidal ideations stopped. i was finally able to enjoy things again. i was even able to spend time with my parents and actually enjoy it. hell i even looked forward to seeing them and talking to them (which is a really fucking big deal).

there have been slip ups along the way. things have happened that have really bent me out of shape. but i was able to deal with those things and recover. last december i was prepared to ruin every relationship i had. i told my parents to not come to my graduation. i almost deleted all my friends phone numbers and unfollowed them on all social media so i never had to speak to them again. i was ready to isolate myself from everyone so that when i killed myself (which i was getting ready to do) i wouldnt hurt anyone.

im not gonna say that i cant believe that person then and the person i am now are the same people because i can absolutely believe it. there are times when i want to go back to my old ways because regressing is a lot easier than constant progress. and getting better doesnt always have 100% positive results. ive learned a lot about myself and others along the way. ive had to sever ties. ive learned that some people arent capable of change. ive learned that sometimes taking a break from the people you love the most is the best thing you can do for yourself (and for them). ive had to have hard conversations because getting better has forced me to learn that you gotta actually work for what you want. 

i havent been perfect this whole time either. i still havent learned how to value my own feelings over the feelings of others or how to accept that other people care about me. im sure some day i will. a year of therapy isnt going to fix everything. but some day ill have a breakthrough.

the whole point of this though is that if i can make it through my darkest moments and turn my shit around....anyone can. but its important to know beforehand that its a process. nothing happens overnight. nothing happens in a month. recovery is something you have to work at day and night for the rest of your life. its something you have to want. it doesnt come easy and its not pleasant. its not all soothing baths and flowers and handwritten journals. its crying and screaming and addressing your past traumas and welcoming them into your home like theyre family (and then accepting that they happened but not letting them dictate your every move). its being honest - brutally honest - with not only yourself but with others. its letting go of people you love and learning to exist in the void of loneliness (until the people you love learn to accept the new you). its showing up every week (or month or whatever) and saying something for once, even if you think its stupid, even if you think its irrelevant. recovery is ongoing. im about to finish my first year. i still have a lot of work to do and im actually kind of excited to do it? which is cool considering my contingency plan has always been to kill myself.

anyway. i just wanted to say that. i dont pat myself on the back very often but ive accomplished a lot this last year. and not gonna lie but ive referred to myself as “most improved patient” in my head multiple times these past few months. im in a pretty okay place right now. im glad im still here (despite the world getting worse literally every day). im glad i have people i can share that with. and i hope some day soon i can return the love and support ive been given tenfold :)

[thespace-dragon]

Psst you got any good sick or injured Keith fic recs?

OK! finally getting around to answering this. sorry it took so long but ive like literally had to go through all of my bookmarks to find some, and even then the ones im about to rec are pretty loose on the sick/injured Keith.

Needless to say, theres lots of angst, some have happy endings, some dont. Ill add the warnings in for each rec

Finding Home by spacegaykogane

Warnings: N/ASummary: After the wormhole collapses, Keith finds himself stranded on a strange planet. Alone. Until Lance comes along.With their lions dead and resources limited, Keith and Lance need to put aside their differences and work together to get home.Wherever that may be, now.WC: 26966 (6/6)General Notes: Its the typical fic of Lance and Keith getting stranded on a planet post s1 wormhole collapse. From what i remember its told mostly through Keith’s pov and I enjoyed it for all its worth. 7/10

we’ll make it, you and me by asexualrey

Warnings: Major character injurySummary: "Keith, if we make it out of this alive, I'm going to kiss you." WC: 6421General Notes: I really wish i remembered more of this one, i can only tell you that it was good. Lance is the one that ends up hurt the most, but like both of them are pretty beat up. 8/10

The Six Gun Sound (Our Claim to Fame) by Mytay

Warning: N/ASummary: “We’re not robbing the bank of the biggest crime lord here, Lance. Do you have a death wish?!”“Let’s just do our damn best to not die. I am too gorgeous to expire this early, dude — I haven’t even hit my prime yet.”Six weeks after crashing landing on this miserable world, the Red and Blue Paladins are on the verge of losing everything. This is how Lance and Keith turned it all around and earned their badass reputation as The Two McClains: Mercenaries That Get The Job Done.WC: 13181General Notes: They both get pretty scuffed up in this one, and its more of that dynamic duo action. i really love these two as space mercenaries/pirates. 8/10

Keith’s Scar by 61feathers

Warning: N/ASummary:Keith and Lance comfort each other later after Keith tells everyone he is Galra.Lance didn't get the chance to tell Keith his scar is actually really sexy though.WC: 1134General Notes: Short and sweet post ep8. You know that shoulder injury he gets, all about that. 8/10

all we have to do by akinghtley

Warning: N/ASummary: Keith gets hurt during a mission, and Lance is not sure how to handle that.Lance wakes up on the floor outside of the medical bay, jerking wildly, body a mess of aches and twinges.WC: 19418General Notes: summary pretty tells all there is to this fic, and its pretty much all this, and Lance not knowing what to do with himself really. I loved it. 9/10

Don’t Forget to Remember Me by CamelotQueen

Warning: N/ASummary: Keith recognizes him immediately. Alarm bells go off in his head. This person is important, he thinks. He wishes he could remember.“Keith!” he exclaims, “Look who’s finally awake. How are you feeling today?”Keith falters. His mind is working a mile a minute trying to recall this person’s name, what he is to him.“Um… who are you?” he asks dumbly. He immediately regrets it._______Keith suffers from dissociative amnesia.WC: 4107General Notes: a;sdkjgnasah this fic, holy shit, keith with amneisia kills me. my heart hurt the whole time, ust ughhhh. He’s not necessarily hurt but Lance is there taking care of him and boy, the domestic life suits them, but damn does it hurt. 10/10

Homecoming by Thesis

Warnings: Major Character DeathSummary: Two deaths and one funeral. Keith has trouble readjusting to Earth and Lance has trouble dealing with Keith. WC: 9845General Notes: I’m emotional over this still and i havent read it in forever ok/ thats all i gotta say. 9/10

bruises by Chaosandthecalm

Warning: N/ASummary: "Show me how much you hate me.”Keith wants to know what Lance's problem is. The answer might surprise him.WC: 3632 (3/3)General Notes: Boys being boys and being idiots. What can you do. 7/10

Of booty shorts and Injuries by Queerklancing

Warning: N/ASummary: Keith is sure that he’s having a heart attack. Or that he hurt his brain when he fell earlier. Because it’s simply not possible that the boy who’s sitting next to him is not a hallucination. How could someone so gorgeous just sit in an emergency room at night?"Keith and Lance unexpectantly meet at the emergency room in the middle of the night.WC: 23862 (4/4)General Notes: lmao this one is great, def not as heavy as the others, but both of these doofuses get injured. keith is a hockey player and lance has legs for days. enjoy. 10/10

Prison Bonds by GriffinRose

Warning: N/ASummary: Keith and Lance are captured and stuck in a cell together, but it's not the Galra. They almost wish it was. These Cordalians feed off of emotions, and their favorite emotion is sadness. Worse, they've found a way to make their victims relive their worst memories to make that pain fresh again, and Keith has a lot of terrible memories he'd rather not relive.WC: 18925 (8/8)General Notes: just read it. please. 10/10

Heroes by battleshidge/Amiria_Raven

Warning: Graphic Depictions of ViolenceSummary: “My mom always hated the Garrison and what we were supposed to do there. I never got it. How can you despise the idea of being a hero?” Lance laughed a little here, dryly. “But I think I understand now.”He took a shuddering breath.“Because heroes aren’t meant to survive,” he choked, and then buried his face as the tears started falling again.WC: 8463General Notes: askgjnafbab, lance breaking down in this fic hurt my heart. 8/10

of florists and tennis shoes by venpast

Warning: N/ASummary: 'Lance wasn’t sure if he’d imagined the brief tremble at the corner of Keith’s lips or not, that slight stutter that promised a smile. But before he could guess further, Keith gave his knee a shove and got to his feet. He reached out to him, “I’m done here, and I’ve still got some daisies to sell you.”“Yeah,” Lance agreed, looking down at the extended palm, noting the little Saturn tattoo on the inside of Keith’s wrist where the sleeve hiked. He took the hand, “better not overprice those too, you asshole.”'(in which lance is a broke university student trying to impress a pretty girl with flowers, but ends up falling for the florist that sells them instead.)WC: 63774 (11/11)General Notes: This isn’t the kind of physical hurt that most people think of, but Keith does get emotionally hurt in this one and it just breaks my heart. i really loved this, its wonderfully written, and its just, wow. 10/10

Echoes of the Past by Gigapoodle

Warning: Graphic Depictions of ViolenceSummary: It was his fault. He shouldn’t have retreated – he should have ran after them, Galra forces be damned, and ripped the red paladin right out of his weaponized hands, shooting the commander dead on the spot.But he hadn’t. Lance stood there, frozen with adrenaline and fear, before backing out with tears in his eyes, justifying it to himself by saying, ‘he won’t get far, we can easily get him back once I have Voltron with me.’He’d forgotten they didn’t have Voltron. He’d forgotten that without Keith, Voltron was nothing.Keith is Galra. Keith is gone. Keith is Galra. Keith is gone.WC: 28197 (yes one chapter)General Notes: this is more along the lines of keith finding out he is galra and hence running away its still one of the best fics in this fandom imo. 10/10

i can’t help but want by aknightley

warning: N/ASummary: Lance deals with the aftermath of being sucked into a black hole and stranded on an alien planet.When Lance wakes up, all he can see is blue.WC: 16921General Notes: more of klance being stranded on a planet post wormhole collapse, and just yes. 10/10

Just Static by Jessadilla/wobblyarms

Warning: N/ASummary: --Static-----iro, Hunk, Kei---, nybody? I’m-----static----I’m sorry guys. This is all my----static--cc-----I found my coordinates. They’re---stttcc--guys. I hear something-----scccc--end transmission-Alone on a hostile planet, transmissions aren't getting through. How did it come to this?WC: 84141 (16/16)General Notes: just holy fuck. this fic made me cry, like straight up. it is more than likely one of the few fics that have made me cry, and i dont cry easy. 100/10