crybabybyee

[crybabybyee]

im feeling angry and i just have that gut feeling again which is making me want to rage 

i unblocked him late last night on whatsapp because i was feeling vulnerable and also scared because my dog was breathing quite fast, he is okay and been to the vets this morning and given antibiotics and a diuretic just in case but seems very well in himself otherwise.

my ex never contacted me after he saw his son, and it just makes me feel weird. my mum was talking about him obviously, and said how she tried to send him pics on messenger but they didnt send so hes blocked her too. and it just makes me think...the fact that he seems to have given up now, doesnt go out of his way to contact me elsewhere and his fb is a secret. has he got someone new then? like i just got this icky gut feeling that he has and i feel so angry that hes just given up that easily just because i blocked him, boohoo. he claims to love me more than life but didnt even pass the test to fight for me and keep fixing it. its like he suddenly decided ‘yea, its over now’ and moved on and im fucking mad. why do i have to miss him? i dont even like him.

why does he get to move on after being so possessive and desperate and declaring his love, how is that love?

im going to go on my alt fb account and try to find him and see. i dont really want to but.. why do i punish myself so? its like just imagining reading his discord or snapchat now..it will be the same but worse..so why do i need to find out about the fb thing? i just want closure

ok so i just checked fb and i cant see his account anywhere...so maybe he deactivated it. but like why? i know he didnt use it. but he has his sons pictures on there, tagged in them etc. its so sad and pathetic that he just removes any evidence like that i hate him

i just hate everything about him and want to punch his stupid face why do i have to get sad and miss him?

[crybabybyee]

i had time offline and im back.

i went through something spiritual the last couple weeks, felt like i was healing myself and ascending...

ANDDD NOW IM BACK TO MY SHITTY OLD SELF

i decided to come online last night, check what hed been doing, see if i was ready. nope. see that one of the girls i had a problem with commented ‘u suck’ on his steam and it just sent me into rage

i hate him so fucking much

he hasnt contacted me or tried to in any other way like email. and i just feel like hes moved on now

and i just feel like im stuck in life, not moving forward because of him. why cant i move on?

i feel so ugly and worthless thanks to him. the way he talked to me too made me feel like i was just a nasty bitch and noone else would like me because of my ‘darkness’. and its true. i was a bitch with him because he made me that way and became this ugly version of myself.

and our swedish friend deleted me on discord and steam after i left my server, since none of them spoke once since my ex left. so thats 4 or 5 years of friendship down the drain? i dont really give a fuck right now but that on top of how i was feeling about my ex yesterday, really sent me 

and now im single, bitter, cant even look after myself properly, my hair needs cutting desperately and dying because so many greys, i have toothache that just seems to be getting worse and im fucking SICK OF IT ALL!!! why cant i be one of those single baby mamas that have everything else going for them and look gorgeous?

i hate it because this week i felt so free and spiritually awakened and bought a bunch of succulent/cacti, new crystals, a new witchy book, and felt like i never have before. like i really connected with my goddesses and the universe for the first time out of how many years of practice? 8?

i wasnt bothered about him, or my looks or anything superficial

and now i suddenly am

i know you can be tested when you are trying to reach your higher self, i dont even think im fucking describing it correctly but i know what i mean. and i wonder is that why i got tooth ache suddenly but i really dont wanna deal with it...

i know i need to let it all out on here but im running out of time.

i guess i will tomorrow, when he will be looking after our son for a few hours...

[crybabybyee]

it’s been a rough few days.

on saturday i found out my grandad died...

he died whilst he was in the bathroom, suspected heart attack. im just so so sad to think of him dying alone like that. and sad that my sister had to go identify his body.

it hasnt really hit me yet. when i found out i cried, but since then i just feel weird...sad...but i guess until i actually ‘see’ that hes dead ie at the funeral, its hard to think its really real...

i just feel so guilty. i wish i was closer to him, but we barely had a relationship, he didnt speak to me much because he couldnt hear me as he was deaf (he was 90) and would always look at my sister to translate. always called my sister but not me, i guess because he knew i was autistic and i had heard him say “its a shame” in a sad way about me before. but still i wished we were closer. when we were kids he barely spoke because my nan did all the talking, and when she died he opened up a bit because he was lonely. they also lived far away, so i barely saw them...

my sister basically helped him sort out appointments and things and carers but she hardly saw him either, so she feels guilty. my dad had nothing to do with him as they had a major falling out. he is probably feeling guilty too but i understand why

i cant stop thinking about it all obviously and just feel so sad for him, but i also knew deep down this is how he would die. i just hope he is with nan now, he wasnt happy being left without her and had said “if i make it to 90 ill be fine to pass over”...its weird how things like that always come true

so the weekend passed. 

yesterday was valentines day and guess what? i heard NOTHING from my ex who is sooo in love with me. no gifts, nothing. fuck him. im pretty sure he knows about my grandad too because my mum mentioned it to his dad.

i was feeling really ungrounded obviously and just wanted him to contact me?? but hes also proved that he doesnt know ANY of my other social medias nor spares a thought to even email me??? because he is blocked everywhere else. im just shocked at him honestly. he must have really thought he has shown me.

all hes shown me is he would actually be an even more useless boyfriend, making minimum effort now, but wants me to forgive him, forget the past, change my behaviours AND, believe that hes changed

yeah fucking right mate

no doubt he was chatting up endless girls yesterday feeling sorry for himself, boohoo im alone on valentines i must find one immediately. like if what he said is true to me why the FUCK would he not send me a card, gift, even a message??? wtf???

i missed him as well. i missed him yesterday even though i was growing more mad by the minute. and now that yesterday has passed i just feel pure resentment, huge ICK feeling, and that i need to make some changes to myself yet again.

today i felt more grounded...maybe it was the heavy rain making me wet and tired and reminding me im a human thats alive. i didnt feel the need to really check my phone much, because trust me i have been obsessively checking my phone lately, ESPECIALLY yesterday i would open my emails, instagram, even my twitter and snapchat...discord..steam

ive checked once today...maybe twice but thats because i was bored in the car...but now i just have to remind myself to live in the moment again

i have 4 days left of sub on ff. im not renewing. not for a while.

it was nice kinda making friends in the fc. S is bleh, boring as usual, so dont really bother talking to him unless he aims something at me. i became sorta friends with L too, we were all randomly chilling trying to buy a house and having random convos like about what takeaway to get

but its not really serving me to be on that game. im enjoying it but its just making me live in a fantasy world again. and on the discord, people dont really reply to what i post, because it involves cute stuff or horses and gamers just arent interested in that, only absurd memes, its the same old song.

so i wont really miss the game. im going to let my sub expire and then buy legends arceus on the switch, since i wanted to before i bought ff. ill be more present irl, and can sit with my baby more.

and if i get kicked from the fc for being inactive, its not a big deal either...id just join a new one. i just need to detach from the online world that hes still basically a part of. stop meeting new people who are emotionally unavailable. just focus on being happy for myself and my son. dont look at my social medias, maybe tiktok and youtube ofcourse. i just feel stupid for letting him drag me down to this level again. planting a seed of doubt in my head.

fuck you i will be better

[crybabybyee]

nothing is going my way at all today 

so i pulled 4 of swords again today. i literally pulled this card the other day like...?

its telling me to me to take a breather, do something meditative and calm and just chill and do the things i would usually do for myself on a good day.

and so i was like yes, im going to go to the yard today, the plan is to ride my mums horse, and its a beautiful day outside too. i was looking forward to it because it seems like ages since i last rode and ive been making excuses.

so i get there and my mum is like “next door asked me if i would hack out with her! do you mind?”

...

no...of course not...

e_e

and im happy for my mum i really am, shes wanted a hacking buddy for ages and this is the first time theyve ever offered. but why TODAY? so i just felt conflicted. happy for my mum to actually ride her horse and someone to go with, really disappointed because i REALLY wanted to ride today and it was clear from the card that i needed to do just that...like its literally the second time ive pulled it this week. literally the last time i pulled a card it was four of swords and i didnt listen to it.

and like next door has never wanted to hack out, and now suddenly does like...after all this time...

shes asks me to open her van and get her water bottle because the woman has a saddlebag and im like...really...? do you really need to take water youre not going to be out THAT long...

and i just turn out, muck out the stables, make haynets, do waters, drink some tea, go home because my mum still isnt back...

on the way home i get a caramel latte and some lunch for me and baby and the latte is definitely a looking-after-me kind of thing im supposed to do today...

and then i feel some keys in my coat pocket and ive fucking taken my mums keys by accident. FUUUUUUUUUUUUU

so now i need to walk all the way back once my babys awake and eaten. im so pissed. how is this calming plz??? i just want to chill now.

OHHHH and just a minor detail i left out. ex has been harassing me this morning again, i had told him how he doesnt even check or KNOW my social medias but he knew everyone elses funnily enough when he was messaging them, he was trying to say he did know mine but he doesnt. he never bothered to ask me, he just didnt give af i guess. and then he was trying to control me again, make me work with him and give him another chance an im just seethingly mad after this point. 

ive blocked him on whatsapp now. thats everywhere. oh except my instagram ofcourse, WHICH HE DOESNT FUCKING KNOW, and if he knew he’d try to message me on it surely?? lmao

like imagine not knowing your girlfriends instagram...i cringe. even his ex messaged me on it a couple years ago LOL

he keeps asking to start from scratch (??? HOW) and that he loves me and will always want to just be with me. i said he shoulda thought that when he was sexting people then

so much for my relaxed day where i take a breather. or maybe this was meant to happen, i finally felt able to block him on everything and can breath. although he left me a voicemail (even tho his numbers blocked hes able to do that e_e)

the only way he could message me is in ff now. but he wont know when im online etc. or instagram xDDDD

[crybabybyee]

god.

i suffered so much yesterday. but it really made me wake the fuck up

so for starters; this whole him creeping into my head, making me consider the dom/sub ddlg thing again...thats gone. i was really letting his words get to me, how he knows what he wants and who he is since ive been gone and i havent been hostile to him i started to believe him almost...

thennnn GUESS WHAT. i decide to check his steam and i see hes added yet another girl either that day or day before. some 19 year old that seems to be popular and has a pic of herself sorta. and everything just comes rushing back to me. the kind of person he is. all the girls he added and played with whilst telling me he loves me and nothings happening. and i just FREAK OUT. he says “i just add whoever adds me”, shutup bro and that im paranoid and letting the hate was over me....HAHAHAHA IM PARANOID, OH REALLY WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT and then the thought of reading all his discord converations even now whilst hes desperately trying to get with me, saying hes going to remain single, saying he will go to therapy because he recognises his ‘behaviours’... thats the thing about behaviours. you DONT change. not when its so ingrained into you to just cheat on every fucking woman youve ever been with, including your supposed love of your life

i dont even care if its an overreaction. i called him a fucking loser and left it. its not an overreaction when it comes to him.  i hate him, every part of him and i dont want to know him.

i had a huge meltdown after finding this out. part of me thought why am i...? but it was that he almost got me in his grasp again. he got into my head. even tho i hadnt forgiven him, i felt like i was almost back in that same position, finding out he’d cheated on me yet again and everything he’d said had been a lie to make me come back. and its obvious that thats how it is. i was crying, sobbing. hyperventilating even... and i just thought how dare he make me like this AGAIN? IM NOT EVEN WITH HIM so obviously the rest of the day just felt like a haze. i went offline. 

my mum came round later so i could have a shower and hair wash and the water just felt so hot and good...it always feels nice after you have a breakdown

i just really wanted someone to reach out and make the pain stop but noone did

i saw i had a message on discord from the fc master (lets just call him S) and it said if i wanted to do roulettes. i said no sorry i wouldnt be on, and that im “having a day”...leaving it open to see if he’d ask me about “alright no pressures!”

yea fuck off then. i just wanted him to ask whats up...holy shit...you had your shot ffs but ofc, you dont give a crap. why even ask me for roulettes? oh, probly because im a healer and they were all on dps before, and it makes their queue pop quicker. yeah piss off

like is all he cares about the stupid fucking game? i never see him ask how anyone is, i mean i know i dont...but i really needed him to ask me yesterday. i just need someone 

oh and to top it off, my baby had serious teething problems in the night. he cried for 3 hours...i even took dinner up to bed and couldnt eat it for 2 hours, was exhausting, and theres nothing i can do to make the pain go away. 

i had a dream that i found black beauty and bought him...it was a really nice dream. i hope it means more. but i think its because i was thinking of black beauty when i looked at my mums horse in the field yesterday, listening to a black beauty song, so -.- it made me happy tho

[crybabybyee]

i’m getting bored.

curse my dumb bitch bpd brain lol.

yesterday and the day before were just...so boring and i feel like im losing a slight grip on things because idk what else to do with my day

the guild master thing has gone from ohhh i like him to...meh? lol this shit always happens but hes so....boring

like? i tried talking to him yesterday, i whispered hima sking if he wants to do roulette with me and he agreed when reset happened as he’d done his already, he messaged me on discord later to join...so i join them and of course its him and the 2 officers (girls) who hes like...best friend with

but they literally dont talk. none of them. they just rush through the whole dungeons/raids without one word or emote and im just sitting there like...so bored... but surely they are talking somewhere?? they literally play with each other ALL day, so they must be in a discord call somewhere? maybe a linkshell?

but i dont think they are on a call because he said he was going to the shop and L was like “steve” (thats his name lol) and was very confused about something and trying hard to make a point like she knows whats going on with his life, something about isnt food getting delievered idk whatever. oh and she always makes a point to say his irl name..lmao..like cringe we get it girl you know him better

and when ive seen him interact with them its a very familiar more relaxed way of talking, and why cant i get that?

so like when i talk to him...its always about the fucking game...

i found out some vital info from the discord yesterday, he’s 30. around my age then (32) and i was like wow i felt it tbh because thats why he seems so mature and passive. most guys my age like that are. it’s a good thing but also...boring.

i just dont get it i thought after that night with my ex when he started messaging me...that we would become closer? but no we might have if i didnt mention i had a baby i feel. but oh well, im not going to hide something so important like my ex might. it just really sucks when youre a single mum and noone wants you...he knows it was ME that left my ex and im actively avoiding him so dont have feelings etc...yes ofcourse i have some still there buti couldve moved on by now

im just so bored now and confused. because i latched onto him...atleast in my head...saw him as my fp (to me fp is in a romantic/attachment sense, ofcourse my real favourite person is my son) idealised/romanticised him in my head, daydreamed about scenarios...but all the while he just views me as a member with drama issues lmao

and its like...i cant really fantasize about him in my head now...nothing gross i just was imagining cute moments with him and him protecting me and he seems so genuine and grounded

i liked the first time i played with him...those girls werent there...and he was tank. and he said he would be my tank again but when i play with them all theyre all on dps. and he was rushing it a bit when i played with him but we atleast talked a bit whilst doing it. i feel like i cant talk to him at all when the girls are there because its ‘not my place’ to

i mean i will keep trying...to get him to notice me...i have no one else to flirt with who i like... but last night i felt like.. if my ex pops up in game im going to end up playing with him and being submissive...because im so bored and alone and feel so unnoticed...hes been messaging me loads since and i didnt reply because i hate it...hes just getting into my head again making me kind of miss him but my head knows the truth and is still saying no. i cant trust that guy ever again

oh and before i logged out last night we did the main scenario raid and i know its really long and full of unskippable cutscenes but fuck me...i forgot just how long and boring it really is...and none of them said shit!!! like how can they play like that all day, they must have been talking somewhere...i even joined the discord voice chat which noone has even gone on. noone joined sadly. i was muted anyway, im too shy and i havent spoken to people with my voice in like...forever...and it sounds weird to me now, different. my voice used to be so cute and now it feels so...unused and unpracticed? like its going to get cut off...anxiety 

later im going to join the voice chat again and stay in it and see if ANY one joins

i know im going to end up running a dungeon with my ex...i dont want a relationship with him but im honestly missing headpats and i know he will do it how sad is that?

why cant i just find someone in game that will do cute emotes at me so i can attach to them instead??? lol

[crybabybyee]

still feeling pissed about yesterday.

im just annoyed, was doing so well and now the no contact thing is broken because he saw me, i feel.

my mum said when they got out the car, his face looked like a pissed off little boy for ages. and then he said “---- didn’t want to stick around then” to my mum. LOL. he must have been so mad, it was clearly his plan to see me and try talk to me

oh and his mum was there too apparently. loser. they didnt really say anything either

and he messaged me later saying he wants to talk “peacefully” then at 3am “please” and i was just like..fuck this.. and said no. and then he wrote a long message saying how distressed his was cuz he doesnt get to see his son and wants me to tell him about baby group, colds blah blah and i said why do you need to talk to me? talk to my mum. and how he obviously didnt care that much about him because he still hasnt paid for him, didn’t even BRING him anything yesterday like clothes..food..toys etc, just a poxy baby meal for his lunch because we asked them to. oh and that he selfishly made that choice to not be in his life.

he hasnt replied e_e what a change! maybe he fell asleep cuz he clearly didnt sleep last night, he was checking whatsapp at 7am just before i messaged him back. or maybe hes actually listening to me for once. or maybe he really doesnt love me anymore and simply meant what he said in his message. THAT pisses me off. so hes just treating me like a pawn that looks after his kid now? tbh if he replies, im going to give him more shit. tell him who do they think they are coming early to my yard? and say if they do it again ill start next time. and i will. 

oh and guess what happened when i got home too? my OTHER ex just fucking messages me “hey i am going to a party tonight 1 minute from you, can i come over for 10 mins and see you/dogs?” WTF lol... dont just spring that on me out of the blue -o- i mean we are friends...on fb...and i told him about my dog when she was sick and when she got better. but i havent seen him for like nearly 4 years? also he has a girlfriend who would have been with him like??? how is she okay with that... i wouldnt be 

she does seem very chill/punk/one of the guys type. surely she would know he was coming to mine, or who i was?? anyway i said no obviously. like maybe i would have said yes.. if my house was tidy and i looked presentable, but i was in my jamas by that point, and my throat is sore. it would just be embarassing.. you gotta look good for your exes, you know?

but i said another day maybe and he said yeah. so now i have that anxiety ugh.. i dont have anything against him just.. i dont like people/exes in my house.. lol  who does?

so yesterday took up my spoons again. i played ff and was kinda worried that i shouldnt, because of my lack of spoons. but i asked if anyone wanted to do a dungeon with me, and the master did...so i was happy. we talked a bit in party chat and he said he would tank for me again for the new dungeons i unlock

he definitely isnt a flirty guy though, and i like that, cuz i know he’ll be talking to everyone else the same. but i wonder if he will ever be? but i know nothing about him. maybe hes gay? has a girlfriend? too many questions. he also sent me a friend request later on which made me happy also

i didn’t join the discord server yet. i will today.. kinda nervous about it

there’s a guy in the fc whos incredibly thirsty and well..desperate

i spoke to him all of one time, and it wasnt flirty, and yesterday i logged on and he was like.. “welcome online my little *my name*<3″ and im juts like wtf....i feel sorry for anyone knows him irl, esp any girls that might like him and dont know that hes like...that

but i think hes read my bio and knows im a sub. because later on he wrote “lf: submissive girl to marry”

ugh hes just disgustingly cringy

[crybabybyee]

OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

IM SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM ABOUT TO LEAVE BECAUSE ITS 20 MINUTES TIL THEY GET TO THE YARD

AND THEY JUST FUCKING TURN UP

IM RAGING LOL

FUCK THAT GUY AND HIS SHIT DAD AND HIS MUM

idk if his mum was there actually i barely looked at them

BUT ANYWAY i found his face for a split second, he had his arm in front of his mouth area and he looked at me for a split second then looked down or away i don’t know. i did the same, but i just would have looked bitchy/mad and think i smirked, he was wearing something blue and i thought, its probably one of his childish long sleeve blue tops that he looks like ass in, like a child, still cant dress to impress then i just stormed out fast lol so he barely got a glimpse of me

and when i got home i looked in the mirror and i look like a hot bitch, so HA, thats your last memory of me, your loss. 

i hope hes crying inside. still im beyond mad i didnt WANT him to see me at ALL, he doesnt deserve to see me. and i feel like they turned up early on purpose because he wanted to, and his dad was probly like ‘gonna go when i want’ cuz he just thinks his son is innocent and im the one in the wrong. ugly old fucker 

i really wanted to start, but i wanted to get tf out too. i managed to contain myself, they were still parking up as i walked out. i said ‘idiots’ loudly and hoped one heard but probly not.

ffs i felt anxious all morning at the thought of them being there, being with my son. but one thing i was NOT worried about was them turning up early i guess...lmao

like i planned to leave with plenty of time, and i did have 20 minutes. maybe his mum wasnt there, shitface was sitting in the passenger side. if she was she would have made them wait at a service station probs because she hates conflict and making things awkward. 

i seriously hope my mum says something defending me and making them feel shitty. she already messaged his dad what he did to me. but he chose to not acknowledge it and only talk about my son.

im going to play ff for a bit and try to chill out whilst i can

[crybabybyee]

tomorrow is finally the day where i feel like...ill be able to move forward? maybe? idk. but it feels like something.

and he messaged me last night (at 1am mind, i didn’t see it til 4am) saying “are you going to be there Saturday” or something. i didnt even open it. hes still trying to shoot his shot with these vague ass messages, you missed your chance ages ago bro. i worry that i may have been persuaded had he kept begging me to get back with him, and if i hadnt noticed him playing with other women lol. but he hasnt, and im over it. theres just...too much has happened to go back now. its impossible to go back to..that or maybe he sent the message because he is anxious if im gonna be there, because he doesnt want me to. who knows. he likes to send crappy one liners with no real meaning, nothing worth opening

so tomorrow he is seeing his son and no bitch, im not gonna be there lmao. luckily my mum is dealing with him and his lame parents. ugh, the thought of seeing them... they better not turn up early or ill start.

i have to get the rest of his shit in a bag. im sure he’ll message me tomorrow or tonight, realising what hes truly lost. but im past caring at this point. why would i get back with a >three times cheater, who is still gonna be chatting up his girls, new possible gf and mistress at the same time lmao. what a fucking headache future me would have to deal with. im almost free now. i still think about what hes doing, how hes making the possibility of getting back together worse and worse. but i know my head is right, and am trying to move on from it all and not have ANY of that stress.

oh and as for the new fc in ff.. kinda over that already XD well, no, the master seems okay, but not THAT sociable. thats probably a good thing? but he could also be one of those thats friends with loads of players outside of it and whispers them all day...cuz it seems like he is on all day. ehh...its probly gonna end up being so unemployed kid, so im not holding my breath just my stupid bpd brain always goes over the top when i first meet a guy and i start idealising them...duh we’ll see, im sure theyll expose themselves in the discord once its up

i just want friends, and a guy to get to know me and like me for me...

[crybabybyee]

ugh, what a day.

we had to go to the bank to sort out my baby’s saver account so deadbeat can pay me child support. but in order for me to open it i had to change the name on my card first as its my old married name. which i am SO fucking happy about, ive wanted to get it changed for ages. however it just took looooong. my spoons are all gone now, i hate the bank. i went to one shop after that to get some nappy bags and..cereal? i just couldnt go on any more and find stuff i would actually like to buy. 

it was hard going past card shops and seeing all the TO THE ONE I LOVE - THE LOVE OF MY LIFE - MY SOULMATE valentines cards. ugh, has he even seen stuff like that? surely he would think of me? as i know he would have bought me one of those. and now im wondering, will he bother to send me anything on valentines day? probly not... i bet he buys something for the girl/s hes currently wooing, and his mistress on ff...

it just...makes me feel sick...

but i feel like i know what hes thinking now. there’s been no more contact from him and i honestly feel hes totally getting over me, and happy about it too. i have this crappy quality that he has (except, its only with 1 guy at a time). where you meet someone new, and instantly fall for a sec...fantasizing about what this person could be, maybe theyre attractive, maybe theyre the one..? usually after a few days i realise theyre not, and feel repulsed by them. it kinda happened to me yesterday though..

i was in a cutscene in ff and i hear the whisper jingle...freak out a lil thinkin its HIM...but its not thankfully, it was someone else, asking if i wanted to join their fc. i said yes. the fc is new, and not many people apart from some that are new to the game, except for the guy who invited me and maybe a couple others..? i didnt get to play for long, but i instantly felt some kind of attachment to the master of it (who invited me) and its SO stupid to feel like that instantly but when youve been alone for so long and all of a sudden someone pops up out of nowhere and makes you feel wanted or welcomed and you dont even know them...you get irrational feelings for them, or atleast i do. like i actually felt happy for the longest time in that game, even though i didnt actually talk much in the fc chat at all...it made me feel excited to go back on today, and try to make friends. they said they are making a discord by friday or saturday. i just really hope they dont turn out to be thirsty ppl, or young...most people on that game seem to be around the 21 mark sadly. i’ve seen some people in their 30s but its rare...i just cant stand that bracket anymore, i hate zoomers ugh and i just imagine they will all be like my ex...? and then i end up feeling repulsed and leave. i dont want this guild to be like that. 

anyway...im looking forward to playing, so im going to do that now :)

[crybabybyee]

ive lost almost all my spoons today.

i almost feel like im going to have a meltdown, because i feel like i have no outlet or downtime to release it in a different way.

i have no one to talk to. i mean ive seen my mum and nan today, but i dont feel like i can talk to them about...the bad stuff..him

who can i vent to??? literally noone is around to give a shit or be my friend. even my one discord guy-friend is no good to talk to. he was okay at first, but he wont want to hear me crying about my ex all the time. yesterday, i tried to make conversation about my dogs, sent pics, but my last message he never replied to, idk why. last time he was like ‘damn i thought i replied but didnt’ but he hasnt today either so, doesnt really care about normal convo unless its drama i guess. but last time i vented to my best friend everyday after going through heartbreak, she was just bitching about it to our other friend and saying i only talk about him, so i really dont want that to happen again.

so like i have no one? i dont want to tell my mum about all the bad parts of our relationship? and being around my mum and nan all day, all they talk about is being old or ‘dying’...so all i feel myself is that im getting old and ugly and dying, whilst my ex is probably living his best life only being 22, and feeling himself. i just feel disgusting and ugly today. and not showering/hair wash for days doesnt help at all. my face looks pasty and dry because i didnt wash or moisturise it last night/today. its all just awful

and im so FUCKING LONELY BECAUSE I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. I JUST HAVE THIS BLOG.

i keep trying to remind myself of all the things hes done and im failing. such a great start to february, not. last night when breaking dawn was coming to an end i started crying, at how i’ll never have what they have. and all i could think was, why can’t i have someone imprint on me, like jacob did? to literally want to protect me at all costs, love me unconditionally and only me, forvever. it hurt so fucking bad to watch that. because i honestly believed that that was how my ex saw me, if i believed the way he acted to my face. all the things he did for me. but he didn’t fucking imprint on you, you idiot, he begged you to get back together 2 weeks later, it’s been a month now AND HES GIVEN UP. a month. thats all it took. you promised youd fight for me forever, and you gave up in fucking less than a month? what a joke. last time we broke up he fought hard for me and i got back with him. but now that i think about it it was 2 weeks we were basically apart. any longer than that perhaps he wouldve given up too lmao, what a fucking desperate loser i was.

i felt like after watching that movie and crying that maybe he would feel a link to me and message...but no, nothing

why is he moving on faster than me? i thought it was the girls that move on faster, not the guys. probably because he has so many backup girlfriends, he has them to fall back on. it just pisses me off because WHY does he DESERVE to have all these girls? why i have...NO one??? absolutely zero?

i actually remember him trying to ‘move on’ with some other girl in ff, trying to make her feel special and shit, but he caved when he saw me in game and ditched her and started whispering me and harassing me in game til i took him back. so now that im out of the picture, he doesnt think about me, i dont exist i guess? it makes me cringe to think ‘how far’ hes gotten with someone now, if hes telling them he loves them, etc. i wouldnt put it past him... i just hate how much you want to believe someone isnt that bad, that they would actually change when something drastic happens and they completely lose you...but he’s just not changing? i feel like such a fool?

i pulled the emperor today, reversed. something about me abusing my power...which just made me feel shitty first thing in the morning and its all gone downhill from there.

please just remember what he did. all he did. the bad things. i could go see if a new stream is up with him in it. that would just be the icing on the cake. wouldn’t it..?  just to totally self sabotage, you know. i want to hear his voice and be repulsed. but im sure it will just hurt as much. i feel really lost today 

[crybabybyee]

today is another day of great news for my pomeranian and i. her blood count has gone up to 16% from 12% in 2 weeks. im so so happy for her. she still has a bit to recover but she has so much more energy now, running around, barking and playing. i love her so much and its the best gift that this year has brung. for my dog to be getting healthier, and the rest of my family/animals are healthy and happy too. i feel like im really living presently this month. accepting things as they, not jumping forward or back, just being grateful for the present.

its strange, what being single/out of a toxic relationship and environment can really make you feel like. i have never felt ‘present’ for the last 3 years...constantly living in the past, constantly worried about the future.

but here i am, on a cold january day (but the sun is out) and im enjoying the day. ill be walking up to the horses soon with my baby to do all the chores, as no chores were done this morning due to vet appointment, and im happy to go out and enjoy the time with my baby, mum, and horses

i have no desire to check steam or twitch or anything, to see what hes playing, like who gives a fuck rn?

and i could have woken up so angry today. he texted me last night and said “have you been tampering with my accounts?”

i simply looked at it like “...” and resumed watching breaking dawn

he’s fucking desperate for my attention, isn’t he? at first i was so angry and wanted to reply but was like ..no. thats what he wants, you to simply reply and hes coming up with such bullshit now. ofcourse, i haven’t tried to log in on any of his accounts. why would i care or give 1 fuck, who hes talking to and what hes saying? he already made that blindingly obvious to me, im not that self loathing to try to log into his accounts. he really aint shit. he really thinks he is, tho. so, i let it slide...even if for some reason he thinks i ‘tampered’ with them, oh well. i clearly can’t give much of a shit if i havent replied to your last 4 messages or even opened them. im actually dreading seeing his name though now. what will be next? hes clearly a narc, and he’ll think of something that will grab my attention. 

but anyway. even tho i woke up with that shitty message in my head, it didnt bring me down, i didnt think about it too much, and just had positive thoughts for my dog’s appointment. and it went great, there’s no way a crappy text from a boring, deadbeat, doing-the-same-thing-forever ex is going to take away my good vibes and positive thoughts. :)

i might draw some cards today

~

7 of pentacles 

5 of swords

what are the odds of pulling that again...

i guess im really not supposed to pick that fight with him. and maybe thats why ive been given the strength to not respond to his texts that are trying to start a (pointless) fight. if he continues it i might say to check the privacy settings/log in history so he can see that ive NOT. cuz no way do i want him to believe i am some desperate ex stalking him cuz boy, im not.

thinking a lot of the future: investing time and effort into a long term goal. keep progress slow. perhaps that means my dogs, horses/new horse, working on loving myself...? 

[crybabybyee]

i found my cards and did a reading this morning - the hierophant and five of swords

to do something conventionally, not to be innovative right now, but pursue paths of knowledge too

pick your battles wisely, think before you act. tension. disagreement with others. even if you win the battle you may still lose by hurting others.

so basically, dont try anything new, learn about things that apply to you - young horses, magic, deities. faeries. all the stuff i already like, dont pursue something new? and dont be a crazy bitch. dont do what you said you were going to do yesterday. lol.

dont start a fight with my discord ‘friends’? fine. i’m listening

i needed that this morning, but it isnt much to go off. im still feeling bitter and angry about him moving on. still feeling pathetic and worthless like i didn’t mean a damn. thinking about all the months hes been talking to other girls...whilst at his own home...and clearly thinking so little of me and the worst part is my intuition KNEW this. i just didnt have enough proof. and i thought, noone could be so thick as to download snapchat again after all this. but then i think, perhaps his intentions WERE for me to find it so he could worm his way out easier, rather than looking like a deadbeat dad that just ups and leaves - ps, you still look like a deadbeat dad. the thought of him wanting me to find out though...REALLY fucking makes me angry. but the thing is i caught a snapchat icon in his phone a few months ago, and he made such elaborate lies like ‘his phone is the apple beta version so has bugs that say apps are there, but arent’ and pulled up google searches to try and prove it and i STILL didnt believe him, i fucking KNEW.

it just all reminds me...how i could never believe one word he says anymore. why does he have to be this person? why couldnt he be the man he was pretending to be? it was literally all i ever needed, the fake version of himself. even if i had low self esteem i wouldnt go out of my way to add dudes on snapchat or in secret in order to get an ego boost...why would you risk everything like that...or how can you not be smart enough to atleast hide every scrap of evidence? oh, because a smart person wouldnt need empty words of validation from strangers, thats why. or sexting. like..? there’s literally thousands of porn out there for free? where you watch it for 5 minutes, then youre done. and you feel gross that you had to watch something like that and forget about it

imagine keeping up a charade like that....he is a literal. clown.

im also feeling really angry that i could be exposed easily to him forming a new relationship with someone on a fucking stream. because that girl is gonna stream a couple times a week and hes obvs gonna be on the whole thing because he has nothing better to do. and if im having a bad, vulnerable, self loathing day i might go and listen to the vods...and have to listen to something that will hurt and torture me. and for all i know, he thinks im aware of the streams and does it on purpose. like why does this fucking asshole get to continue to hurt me? any other person you wouldnt be exposed to this kind of shit after youve blocked them. but he PURPOSEFULLY seeked out female streamers, added them everywhere, and joins in on their streams and so i am exposed to it, if i choose to be. THIS IS WHY HE’S A NARCISSIST. A NARCISSIST WOULD GO OUT OF THEIR WAY LIKE THIS TO HURT SOMEONE. WHO THE FUCK ADDS RANDOM FEMALE STREAMERS AND MAKES SURE TO JOIN THEIR WHOLE STREAM? NARCS.

literally noone else i know does this.

i dont need to see any more streams. and hear his shitty voice. please give me the strength to literally, never give a shit about that guy ever again.

apparently he left an otter notebook that he got for xmas here. im going to find it, write that hes a smelly cheater, and draw a rune/symbol to give him bad luck and horrible relationships. :) he doesnt deserve to ever get over me, and i dont feel like this with any of my exes. so i hope he never does.

[crybabybyee]

yesterday morning i woke up with this certain, clarified feeling in my heart that he had moved on.

and i was okay.

i think after watching that stream i really felt like i was able to let him go. there’s nothing attractive about a cheater who just moves on to his next supply, and you are hearing it for yourself with a front row seat, he is only exposing how garbage he is. 

and it seems like there’d be no way i could get back with him at this point, even if i WANTED to.

it’s like he treats every girl he meets the exact same...same manner of tone, saying the same things and acting the same way. ‘chasing’ them in some game, doing some pretend stutter, and cute-voice that doesnt sound cute it just sounds cringy...i remmeber when he used to do the fake stutter when i would play with him and the other guys in my discord. it made me want to slap him lol it was so annoying and fake and he just ended up doing it automatically at times because hed conditioned himself to. so fucking cringe

part of me wants to be really petty. i changed my whatsapp picture to one of me with a kitty filter on. it has a collar too. i did it on purpose so he knows i want to be someones submissive kitten (it’s true, i do miss that). part of me wants to finally meet up with him in game, ask him if his new supply knows about his final fantasy mistress and how he goes on every late-night to her, obviously. not once has he ever come on ff when i’ve been online. and ive been on at several different times. i changed my bio in game to something petty and attention seeking to guys which would make him mad. BUT HE HASNT BEEN ON SO HASNT SEEN IT. makes me so fucking mad lol. like hes probably avoiding me in game on purpose, because i will uncover his ‘secret’. bitch i knew exactly what you were doing because im a fucking god-level detective. and my crazy ass brain even thought “why dont you make up a complete lie? for once in this relationship. make up a bunch of shit like his mistress told me kms or that she said he wished i were dead, etc. it sounds fucking hilarious to me but its also batshit crazy. maybe if i get to that degree of madness i will. because what do i have to lose, other than him and his mistress believing that i am indeed a crazy bitch? those assholes literally lied and laughed behind my back, so who cares. she will then probably claim i am ‘obsessed’ with her because i searched in her name, saw her stream, lodestone etc to get the evidence i needed. like..? its really not hard to search someones name on the internet to find what youre looking for its actually NORMAL girl behaviour??? but apparently, last time i searched for her name on a public ff discord server, clicked it and saw she was mutual friends with him, that was me stalking her and being obsessed. lol, you’d love that...wouldnt you? i did stalk her tho, found her twitch and discovered her nasty ass smoker voice. never told her that but i might bring it up if they start on me.

i also hate it when bitches your bf cheated on you with, act like youre obsessed with them for checking out their shit and seeing who you are... i.. you sound so stupid rn

what person wouldnt do that? hello? i checked you out...then realise i have literally nothing to be jealous over. and now im minus a bf who just wanted to sext other women. i win

i guess ill post again tomorrow with how my feelings are going.. basically yesterday i felt kinda like an untouchable goddess and realised iw ant to learn to love myself again. fall in love with me. today im feeling more petty, and a bit ugly again, because i feel like the years have been wasted and im here again, single and older. fuck i will be 33 in june...like...why 

why am i not married with kids? thats the funny thing tho. i WAS married and now im not, i DO have a kid but its just me, him and my dogs.

no man in sight just a dead beat baby daddy. why is life so fucking cruel?

literally never asked to be played like this.

i need my tarot cards

[crybabybyee]

i think... i’m almost 100% done

after what i witnessed last night.

i went to bed, had a breakdown. and i think thats the final time i will cry that badly for him now.

i checked out the stream with the 2 new girl friends hes made. he was on it. (i wasnt watching live)

the streamer chick is married, but the other one was the one i knew hed be hitting on cuz shes british. came to find out later on the stream shes only 17. 

i had to listen to his annoying voice talking to them for ages...at first he tried to make it sound deeper but then it reverted to his really annoying, almost child like simp voice when hes flirting with girls. he used to speak like that to me too and its just...ugh...like go away annoying voice 

but it also felt familiar. just like when id be playing games with him on discord, it was like that but he was interested in these girls...not me. he was mainly flirting with british chick of course. it wasnt proper flirting but more like saying her name repeatedly or stuttering purposefully in order to sound cute for her. at one point, she said shes asexual...and i fucking LOLed and what did he say? “how do you know for sure if you havent tried it” - because hes fucking disgusting and obvs wants to have sex. and i just wanted to say oh girl...you might wanna change that, he’ll be going to his mistress in final fantasy every night. he would do that anyway, even if she was..sexual and then she said she’s 5′9 and he was like “aw” (like shes so much shorter than him kind of way) and im like ??? thats taller than me, and not much shorter than you, like a couple inches lol

but yeah after i heard all this i just turned it off. they were streaming for 6 hours but i got through about...less than 2 before i could take no more. i went to bed with my baby and dogs, and just bawled my eyes out... it was hard hearing him again and him being so familiar with and trying to move forward with some new chick hurt me a lot. like how is he able to do this..? does he not even think of me whilst doing it, and how much he claimed to “love me” and would wait, fight for me etc...how can he do this with another girl already? like i was so disposable...?

and when i woke up this morning i felt so much clarity. i was disposable. he had multiple girls lined up. he saw me more as a nagging sister towards the end likely. he didn’t want to live with me or be with me much, else he would have found a job where i live and have no problem moving here for good. he lost his all his love for me but lied to my face about it. he’s glad to be rid of me once and for all and move forward.

oh.. and in the stream, he mentioned ‘stockholm syndrome’ again, joking about something...but thats what he said to me in a message, something about not having stockholm syndrome because i ‘hit him’ (i hit him a few times at most, always in response to whatever he did to me). but its like...hes acting like i hit him all the time or something? and she said something like “not everyone knows what that means” and i thought..have they been talking about that? is he making out to everyone that i beat him and made him a victim and thats why my guy friend has said NOTHING since we broke up? im so fucking mad if hes made me look like an abuser....i shouldnt have hit him sure, but its called reactive abuse and thats what happens when you keep breaking a person over and over so idgaf. even on the day we broke up he tried to make me ‘hit him’ to get my revenge and i refused and just told him to get out. i did kick him off me that day, because i was reading his phone and wanted him to get tf away from me. but i never hit him like he was provoking me to

so now im feeling like i truly mean so little to him. hes believing his own lies, and whatever his new girls say to him about me, that he just sees me as a toxic person he wants to forget? literally never felt so used and betrayed by someone in my life. why could he never take responsibility for the suffering he caused me...or think about how i acted in certain situations was because of him

i cried so, so hard last night after hearing him... i was talking to him like he was next to me, i said i missed him, and things i never would say to his face because i couldnt bear to tell him my feelings in the end because i felt like he never deserved the best of me after cheating on me...

i almost did something, like let him know or text him that i missed him so much. but i didnt. hes taken it too far this time...i mean, the new girl has the same name as my niece. why cant he just stop ruining girls names for me?? and he also went straight onto final fantasy for like 4 hours after that, probably to unwind with his ‘mistress’...who new girl dont know about. i opened his whatsapp that he sent me a week ago since he hadnt bothered since. i wanted him to see i had read it and was online last night, maybe as a sign - to see if he would message me again with his true feelings.

i woke up next morning and had a message from him at 2am. “Or this weekend?” his last message was “shall i come at the weekend to babysit” which was a week ago that i ignored.

and thats all he could fucking say. Or this weekend. and it just clarified it for me that i dont mean shit and he can move on with his new girl.

it really sucks to feel like nothing and so replaceable

[crybabybyee]

its been a week and he hasnt contacted me.

i feel so abandoned.

i just hate him. why do i have to keep having dreams of him, where my mind paints him to be a better person than he actually is? he isnt a better person. ive been gone a few weeks and he lives the same life as always, metting and talking to girls, getting a new backup girl, so if he talks to me again and things dont work he can just think ‘atleast i have her’. i just hate his pathetic ass. here’s me, not even wanting to talk to new guys, not wanting a new relationship even though i crave the feeling of love and being looked after and security with a person... and all i can think is ‘if he hadn’t gone back to her, or made new relationships with girls, maybe i would have taken him back...?’

he literally could have changed. for once in his life he could have acted differently, took time to himself and actually fought for me, even if it takes weeks, months. but like every guy it seems, he just moves on to the next girl immediately. you’d think if he was EVER going to change his shitty ways, it would be now, but he cant even do that...

does he even think of me? im trying to heal but thinking of him all the time and missing him but then i look at his steam today, and hes playing that new game with the new girls he met, and clearly plays til early in the morning as it said he was playing today, and he has work this morning. so hes not even taking time to miss me, just straight away moves on. just proves how little i meant to him, and i was always right about that... so i wish my head would stop romanticising the type of person i thought he was in my head. because hes never been that? but my head fabricated him as better, and as his ff char, i just got so out of touch with reality. when in reality hes a smelly cheater irl, too pussy to ever say how he feels or put me in my place, bad hygiene, always has a backup girl, and in his mind is always probably thinking “i miss talking to so and so” esp when we have a fight. 

maybe i was his favourite, but what does that mean to a narcissist. still replaceable. fucking jokes with “i will never stop fighting for you” and i need to stop falling for that - even if he fought for me, hes still got side chicks. idk why he thinks hes so attractive, if only these girls knew. hes just so narcissistic he sees himself as attractive online. 

i have to tell myself why would you miss THAT and his cheating? i can do so much better...im still healing but im becoming much better mentally, but im bound to have these days where im just like “why couldnt you look after me?? why couldnt you protect my mind????”

he probably thinks i have no idea about these girls and the old girl. if only he had a braincell like me 

i just feel like now, he probably lost all his feelings for me, thats how it feels. and if its true then i guess i never really knew him.

please can i move on?

i manifest the guy who will be my soulmate, protect my mind, learn it inside and out. love me and my son and animals unconditionally, no other person involved. no cheating. 100% trust. equal love and caring. please find me 

[crybabybyee]

last night i dreamt of some men, that treated me like a queen and i could feel true love from them and was able to return it.

the first one was this guy i was good friends with on discord at one point. we were only ever friends, he was a bit flirty sometimes, i knew he liked me he just wouldnt say anything. i never took it further with him than friendship, i was in a  rship at the time (even tho i wasnt planning on staying) so it didnt feel right. but shortly after, when i started playing ff, i guess we drifted a bit and i met my recent ex in the game and ‘fell’ for him i guess. he joined our discord but the other guy, lets call him shadow didnt really like him. then i joined the discord one night (my ex was sitiing next to me) and shadow and our other friend were drunk and chatting on call. shadow said to me “i dont like ----” not knowing i was dating him. so i said he was my bf and he was like “i knew it...”

he then confessed to me later that he had feelings for me but quashed them because i had a bf before. then after that...he said about leaving the discord, we tried to encourage him to stay. he played with us like once or twice but his voice was so blank.

i got on with him so well before, because his energy, humour and everything seemed to match mine..? like i have never ‘clicked’ with a guy so well tbh...we could like make a secret joke between us about someone else on the call or in a game and we just got eachother...he was croatian, so english was his second language, yet he acted so...british? it was weird. and i miss those days a lot. but he just didnt want to know me after finding out i was with him.

looks wise he wasnt someone id go for, but his personality was everything that i wouldnt have cared. but there were a couple other issues that stopped me...one, him being in a different country. i have experienced that heartbreak before and never again. i still wouldnt date someone in a different country because i know how hard it is to get a visa and im not getting married for a visa ever again.

anyway, the second man i dreamt of was minato from naruto...lol

his ‘son’ (think it was meant to be my ex lol) had cheated on me, and he came and looked after me. it was really nice. erm, thats about it.

my ex hasnt messaged me since the last about should he come round to look after baby at the weekend. was that on wednesday? it feels like a lifetime. i wonder if his dumb ‘womanfriend’ told him to play this game. so i would miss him. but honestly i feel like he is moving on. probably feeling ‘love’ and is sooo in love, because he has no fucking idea what it really is. i hope they cheat on him. him not talking to me only makes me get used to him not being around anyway. 

oh well. yesterday atleast i got to see the mummy horse of my new (unborn) horse. im just excited to see what happens this year, i have things to look forward to. don’t dwell on the what ifs.