#and I'm really trying not to have meltdown in public because that would be a bit of a bummer

[abimee]

hi i can no longer act coy or hope that a job will come in time so im coming to everyone really embarassingly with my issues

in June I attempted to get fired from/left my job after having a really embarassing public meltdown due to having Rapid-Cycling Mixed Bipolar and the unending stress of that job of 3+ years. I've been struggling to get a job afterwards due to being in CA without a vehicle, and i'm currently working on an overdue commission so could not open up any more.

Soon after, my mother's car imploded, and a series of incidents related to a used engine and taking out a loan with a friend has left her both needing to pay back the loan and still needing to get a new car, putting her thousands in the hole.

my mother has allowed me to not worry about paying rent while unemployed, but now the person living with us is moving out, so it will be on me and my mother to pay rent, upping mine from $300 to $500 a month. I am currently job hunting with good prospects, but I am still in need of some assistance.

I DO NOT WANT TO ASK FOR DONATIONS WITHOUT GIVING SOMETHING IN RETURN, I have a very bad time taking help from people without doing something in return because I do not want people to feel like they Have to give me money or help me, I want to Offer something in return for that money, even in a situation like this, because I want everyone to come out on the other end feeling fulfilled, so I'm offering some (slow) cheaper commissions I can work on in between the bigger comm I owe.

My kofi is always open for donation sketches ---- you can donate the minimum amount (or whatever you prefer) and get a drawing like this of anything as long as you put it into the donation message!

i cant currently take on big commissions as I have one i owe and the commissioner is a very generous person who has been waiting a good few months for me to finish one during this hectic time, but if you're interested in getting something a little higher quality for a donation, a $30-50 USD donation can get you a ''simple commission'' styled drawing --- that is, you give me a prompt and character refferences (ocs or fanart, up to 2-3 characters depending on complexity), and I draw them like below (color complexity depends on price, the higher the amount the more the color).

You wont have access to revisions to make this as fast as possible, so i HIGHLY reccomend only getting fanart comms of these and to make sure you really like my style!!

this is one of those situations where I DEEPLY reccomend people do not donate unless they want something in return, if you dont wanna ask for a drawing or anything i reccomend going to people in more dire circumstances and helping them out with your donation!!!

but if you want to help me help my mother get out of a bad financial situation and get a little drawing in return, you can do a small dono and att a message of what you want doodled, or you can email me at cyrdrawings@gmail.com your $30-50 donation reciept and what you would like me to draw, and ill try to get them as soon as I can

thank you so much for checking this post out and keep it real old school!!!!! i promise once this is over and i get a job we'll be back to your regularly scheduled art posting

[thetrekkiehasthephonebox]

I have been in for-profit health insurance hell for months now and I feel like all the progress I'd made in not feeling ashamed has been fucking erased because I keep having to explain to strangers with no medical training what is wrong with my mind and body over and over and over again

[littlemissclandestine]

Please please please, I wanna know how adler and makarov will comfort us, like hcs, I mean, please? I want sweet thing because am very sad

Howdy Anon! 🤠

Thank you so much for the ask! Sorry to hear you're not feeling great and hope you feel better soon. Wasn't sure whether you wanted platonic or romantic or whatnot so I just thought of a mix (kinda) i guess. Sending hugs and hope you enjoy! <33

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---------------Russell Adler Comfort Hcs-----------------

So as you know, Adler isn't the type of guy to get all emotional (Feelings? What are feelings?) but there's no doubt he'd try to be there for you as best he can

He sometimes does stay silent. Mostly because he's just trying to figure out what to say and how to say it but it doesn't take too long for him to come up with something

He's a great listener for sure. You can rant to him about anything and he'll make you feel heard. Hell, he could probably even relate to it.

Phone calls to check up on you are a given -> "Right. I'm coming over. Promise me you won't do anything stupid in the meantime? Be there within the hour, okay?"

You might find yourself crying on the couch and he'd sit beside you. He'd probably place a hand on your thigh and give it a light squeeze as he asks you what's wrong

If you refuse to answer, he'll play some slow songs and pull you up and off the couch and into his arms to slow dance because he knows it'll earn a smile from you. He'll brush a stray piece of hair out the way and look into your eyes, telling you he loves you.

If you're really having a meltdown and you're in a right state, he'll pull you into his body, resting his chin on top of your head as he whispers words of encouragement to you, not caring that his favourite shirt is drenched. -> "That's it, just let it out. You're gonna be okay. I'm here, alright? Shhh. I'm not going anywhere."

If you're in public having a panic attack, he'd notice the signs. The way your watery eyes dart all over the place being hypervigilant of your surroundings, the way you cling to him a little more than usual, how you aren't responding to him, how your breathing is quick and you feel all clammy. It's his job to know.

He'd take you to the side and shield you as he talks you down. Maybe even take your hand and lead you to the public toilets, making sure it's clear to freshen up and have some space and privacy. -> "You ever heard of box breathing, kid?"

He'll take you back to his car for a long drive and offer you tissues and strike up a conversation, your favourite songs playing in the background while you steady your breathing

He'd hold your hands in his to ground you if need be and rub your arms and thighs as you sob violently, staying quiet, looking away and closing his eyes briefly as he hears you. He can't bare to see you like that.

Russell would also cup your face, wiping your tears away with his thumbs as he asks you to look at him and he calms you down with that low, husky voice of his. -> "You'll get through this, okay? Just like you always do. Only this time, you've got me. So let me take care of you."

He's one to always come up with solutions to your problems, no matter what it is

But he's also brutal. No sugarcoating.

════════════⋆★⋆════════════

-------------Vladimir Makarov Comfort Hcs-------------

I feel like, whereas Adler has more of a way with words and is someone who also gives you comfort through touch, Makarov mostly uses a more materialistic approach but that's not to say he doesn't use touch.

He'd ask if you wanted to go out shopping (retail therapy) where he'd spoil you crazy, letting you buy whatever you want. A dress? Sure. A watch? Of course. A diamond necklace? You got it.

Mak would take you on a helicopter ride for sure during the day or even night, letting you take in the sights.

Makarov may offer to take you out for dinner to your favourite place, getting his goons to make the reservation (or threaten someone to give up their reservation and hold the poor receptionist at gunpoint so you can get a table right there and then).

But don't get me wrong...he'd defo watch your comfort movie with you again, no matter how many times you've watched it. You both just cuddling on the couch with a blanket as he plants kisses on your temple.

He'd crouch down in front of you, rubbing your knees as he asks you what's troubling you. -> "What's got you crying my beloved? What do you need from me?"

He's defo a hand holder so he'll rub your hands and draw circles on your palms and intertwine his fingers with yours. -> "It's okay, my love. Breathe. Just breathe."

This guy loves giving forehead kisses and you can't tell me otherwise. His kisses linger and he rests his forehead against yours for sure as he talks you down.

As you two sleep, he'd be the big spoon, wrapping his arms around your body, keeping you close while he whispers words of praise and how you don't have to worry as he'll always take care of you.

If it's someone who's causing you problems, Makarov goes pew pew and calls it a day.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *

Note: I was a bit biased when it came to Adler. Whoops. Hope that's okay for now. I might edit this post and add some more when I can. Defo doing a part 2 to Adler's comfort hcs. This was a nice little exercise though. Always a pleasure to write for COD men ;) - Star ☆

[leonsdoll]

Could you please write something to do with hazel x an autistic reader? (Sorry if this is a strange request)

HAZEL X AUTISTIC!READER

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warnings: nothing! fluff, idk if this is a warning but hazel is also a little autistic coded!

word count: 0.4k

notes: hii tysm for this request anon!! I'm autistic myself so I was already planning on doing this so ty for giving me an excuse to post it! I did this in the form of hc's! if you want a full fic tell me and I'll write it:)

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-so I think that hazel wouldn't know that much about autism, I think she didn't really think she would have to be informed about it

-but when you stared dating she would do sooo much research about it, like she had no idea what a "safe food" was when you told her. then the next day she bought all of your safe foods and just came knocking on your door.

-if your overstimulated in public she obviously has something in her tote bag that could help, whether it's a pair of headphones, a sensory toy or anything that could help she's got it

-she loves hearing about your special interest, like she'll listen to you talk about them for hoursss, like if your special interest is a saga of movies, she'll lay down with you and watch all of them or she'll watch them all by herself so then she can surprise you with information

-she'll bring you small little gifts related to your interest, like pins or necklaces maybe socks, just small cute stuff!!

-if you don't understand sarcasm she's fine with that because neither does she😭 the girl is clueless, a lot of times if you go out in a group and someone says smth sarcastic and neither of y'all get it and you just kinda look at each other confused on why they would say that

-if you only like certain fabrics and she happens to have clothes with that fabric, it's yours now!! whenever she buys you something she makes sure it's not any of your sensory issues, like scratchy shirts? she doesn't even look at them, or shirts that are to tight? she wouldn't even think of buying it for you

-if anyone made fun of you she's defending you hard, like either making them feel embarrassed or just yelling at them😭

-if your burnt out and don't wanna hang out she's giving you all the space you need!! like she'll just wait for you to text her when your feeling energized again

-okay so if you have a meltdown she would try her best to calm you down, if you just need to cry she'll hug you and just let you get it out, or if maybe breathing calms you down she'll do special breathing with you

-she will send you stuff like "you call it autism I call it having that dawg in me" she finds it sooo funny

-if you don't like physical touch she'll only give physical affection if it's like asked for😭 she would hate to make you uncomfortable so she tries to make you the most comfortable person ever, her ways of showing affection if of course gifts but also words of affection, she always tell you how much she loves or how much she's proud of you.

-overall she's the sweetest:')

[nitewrighter]

Hi, I’m studying to get my associates in library tech with the goal of becoming a children’s librarian. Is there anything that you wish you knew before becoming a librarian?

Well it's tough to say for sure because I had been working as a library assistant for a long time before I got my master's, so I actually did have a lot of 'on the ground' experience in libraries, albeit in a very immediate, lower-skilled customer service sense.

I would say, on a "librarian as a whole" level, try to get as much hands-on experience in programming development and assisting with programming as you can--a major part of advancing your career as a librarian (at least as a public librarian) is being able to plan and implement programming, and also evaluate the success of that programming, and while I got a lot of experience with that in theory in Library school, it wasn't something I really bothered with as a library assistant because I felt too intimidated by it and I felt it "wasn't my place"--even though it's absolutely something I'd have to do as a librarian. And it's something they ask you about at EVERY interview for Librarian positions! If I could go back in time, I'd go back to 2018 and thwack myself with a newspaper to tell me to elbow my way into more programming development--because there ARE openings for it! Libraries ARE always looking for fresh ideas for programming, and one day, I WILL get my Makerspace Cosplay Workshop For Teens idea launched, goddammit!!

On a more "Children's Librarian Specific" level, I realize I talk a lot on this blog about like... the basic thesis that Children Are Indeed People. And I realize in that last ask I got that I was complaining a lot about parents basically using library space as a space to shut down and recover--often at the expense of the space, or sometimes even at the risk of their children. But I do think in terms of like... practicality, respect, and humility, that you as a librarian have to acknowledge that these parents are caring for their kids 24/7 and a lot of the time, for all your dreams of "Youth Liberation!!!" they will, generally, know their kids' triggers and patterns of behavior better than you, Cool Youth Liberator Librarian, ever will. I'm gonna use an example I call the "Give a Mouse a Cookie" story:

So we have coloring sheets and crayons at our children's desk, right? And this little girl comes up to the desk asking for a coloring sheet and I'm like, "oh, okay, we have a puppy coloring sheet?" and she's like, "No, I want the kitty." And her parents are going, "Sweetie, just get the puppy, we need to leave," and I'm like, "Oh, I can just print out some kitty coloring sheets. It's not a big deal. It looks like we're running low anyways." So I print out a bunch of kitty coloring sheets, hand her the first warm-out-of-the-printer kitty, and she starts melting down, because it wasn't just a kitty coloring sheet she wanted, it was a Unicorn Kitty Coloring sheet (except she's like 4 or 5 so it's not really fair to act like she could articulate that), and this is where the story gets stupid, because I'm like, "Oh. Here." and I draw a unicorn horn on the kitty--and like, I need you to understand that this is me going off of babysitting experience where I'm used to little kids being psyched at me drawing something especially for them. And this would provide an immediate 15 second solution rather than however long it would take me to track down the unicorn kitty coloring sheet she wanted through our coloring sheet database and then send that to the printer. And like, I know how to draw a horn so that it meshes decently enough with the coloring sheet's art style. LIKE IT MESHED WITH THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE CAT'S HEAD. But still, the meltdown intensifies because that's not the unicorn cat that other kids were coloring. How dare I slap a horn on this regular-ass cat and try to tell her it's a unicorn cat?!?!? So finally her parents just go, "She needs a nap" and drag her off. I told this story to my brother and he went, "Oh yeah. You gave a mouse a cookie."

Like, yeah, there is something very rewarding in validating a kid's desires and meeting their needs just like you would any adult patron. I love that little flare of 'Yes! I did the thing! I asked the lady where the InvestiGators books were, and she showed me!" I love seeing kids light up when you take them to the nonfiction section they ask for and then you help them leaf through it for the right book for their desired content and reading level, but also... sometimes it's not about the unicorn kitty, and you have to be able to trust when the parents are picking up on that and be able to put up a united front. It's kind of like when you start getting caught up in your own anger, and you have to ask yourself, "Am I letting this burn out, or am I adding oxygen to the fire?" There is so much going on under the hood with kids! So much is happening! Developing brains and very little experience are a helluva drug! You do want to fight for and encourage the kid's agency and value when you can, but also they're part of a family! And families have their own unique dynamics and needs! Growing up and having to negotiate your wants and needs with everyone around you is a trauma in and of itself!

[ineffectualdemon]

The levels you get judged as autistic are weird

Because they are based on how well you communicate with neurotypicals (as I understand it, please correct me if I'm wrong) and don't actually cover the autistic persons level of need

Like I got level 1 because I am fairly articulate on a good day and as my husband puts it "you can seem human for roughly the first 15 minutes" (note he is allowed to say this, i find this humor funny and he's also on the spectrum)

I am educated, fairly well spoken, and can fake social niceties if I don't talk or if it's over text. This does not make me better able to take care of myself nor does it make me better than any autistic person who cant do that. I can talk good sometimes. Its just a fact not a judgement on my worth or anyone else's

But it sure is treated that way

I am not able to live independently. I can't handle if I'm asked to change the side of the road from my usual routine much less anything more disruptive. I can't manage my own finances. I have loud meltdowns in public. I visibly stim. Once my timer of being able to human breaks I will invariably say something wildly inappropriate and not understand why it's inappropriate. I can't arrange things for myself because I get flustered and confused. I need support on a daily basis

I cannot take care of myself even if you remove my chronic pain and fatigue.

Sure I could run an errand or go some place by myself before when I was still mobile but there was an over 50% chance of me having a meltdown on the way or once I'm there and needing help

And sure in the past I could go to new places alone ..if my husband took me the day before and walked the route with me and helped me write down very specific instructions and directions and be on the other end of the phone when i break down

Sure was once able to go to new places and events and then immediately get overwhelmed and lose my words and have a meltdown or dissociate in order to cope

And the after affects would mean I'm stressed out and physically ill for days after

Like I'm not saying I need anything like the support of high support needs autistic people

I am able to communicate my thoughts accurately through text most of the time

(not so much out loud. There I vary wildly between considered articulate and screaming with anger because I can't get the words! I know they are there but I can't access them and it makes me angry and no one else understands what's going on or why I'm suddenly angry)

I am aware that is a massive privilege and skill in my possession that allows me to advocate myself in way that is impossible for non verbal members of the communicate

You can advocate for yourself

But not same as me

And that's in my favour and I am sorry

So I try to advocate for you when I can

To have your back

Being non verbal, having intellectual disabilities, any number of factors could mean someone needs more support than me

And I am not saying we are exactly the same

But the fact that I am highly dependent on my husband to survive is just written off as not important because "I speak well"

And that's just a really weird way to weigh it in my opinion

Like yeah I don't seem to them like I should need to be dependent on others to survive but I fucking well am

Idk

The system just seems fucked to me

[doberbutts]

Looking for your opinion on raising a dobe as a PTSD service dog (trained to do things like deep pressure and body blocking/alerting to people behind me) because I'm looking into breeds. I've raised an Aussie Shepard and Border Collie before, as well as smaller dogs my whole life but you seem to really know what you're doing

I'll be honest- I think it is a bad idea. I do not recommend dobermans (or any guardian breed with limited exceptions) as service dogs for those with panic, anxiety, or stress-related disorders at all. For every one that you find will work well for such a job, you will find ten more that could not do it.

Please understand, the breed's temperament is designed to work against you here. These are dogs who are meant to guard their owners from assaults. If you are broadcasting down the leash that you are nervous about that guy who just came up behind you, even if he's minding his own business, what do you think you are telling your dog to do? What do you think will happen if you have a meltdown in public and Freak The Fuck Out and start seeing everyone as a potential threat? These are dogs intended to intercept threats before they reach their owners- so if an innocent person walking down the street towards you triggers you, that is now a threat in your dog's mind. This is a potentially very dangerous situation you've just put yourself, your dog, and other people in.

Can you find a dog to do it? Sure. That dog would be worth more than gold. We call this unicorn hunting in the service dog world. You are looking for a relatively uncommon dog to find, and if you have never done the service dog thing or the guardian breed thing before, you are going against pretty strong odds.

Whenever this sort of thing comes up, I always think of @millenniallust4death's post on one of her past blogs, about how her late husband's dog went for her in defense of her husband as he was ailing from cancer and she had moved towards him to help him. He was able to call the dog off, so she was unharmed, but still. This was a German Shepherd from lines intended for intense protection work. He saw his owner in distress and acted without thinking when someone- someone he knew and loved and trusted- made too swift of a movement towards his vulnerable owner.

I am not saying every doberman will do this. But I do think you would be playing with fire.

I had a doberman service dog. We actually just passed the anniversary of him winning an award from the national doberman club for his service work. We did a lot of work to try to prevent this from happening. He was neither the first service dog I trained nor was he the first guardian breed I trained. Prior to my current vet job, I was a dog trainer that specialized in aggression. I loved him very much and he was well suited to the work. But, also, there is a reason I deliberately did not get another doberman as a service dog when I needed to retire him due to his failing health.

[symphonyofsilence]

I love Wangxian as much as the next guy, but my unpopular MDZS opinion is that both LWJ & WWX after the resurrection were really shitty brothers. Both to their own brothers and to each other's.

Like...JC just threw himself in front of WWX & his boyfriend & Jiggy's sword & took a stab to the chest just narrowly missing his heart, & Wei Wuxian DIDN'T EVEN ASK HIM HOW HE IS! I'm sure JC didn't want him to thank him, but totally ignoring that & forgetting about it is... you know, not fine. even LXC was more worried about his wound. After the temple, when everyone was talking to everyone else, & WWX thanked JC for giving Chenqing back to him, he doesn't even wait until JC's answer is fully out before he immediately turns back to look at LWJ!

Even JL who wasn't talking to JC at that moment saw that JC had something to say! But WWX not only didn't give him a chance to talk, but didn't even have any interest in what he had to say, and wouldn't listen to him just like all the other times when JC tried to talk to him (Repeatedly reminding WWX of his promise & even asking why didn't you go back to Lotus Pier). As you try to do, after you brother has returned from the dead, after causing his own death, your sister's and your brother-in-law's. WWX doesn't think that that's an issue that they need to talk about. Because it's unpleasant for him. While he is not the one who's owed an explanation or an apology. He's not the one who gets to decide if they're having this conversation or not. Let alone asking about JC's wound! WWX! just! Left! With! His boyfriend! & didn't look back! Not even after JC's public meltdown!

And and, what's worse, for both LWJ & WWX is this! Here is what happens when JC is trying to have a conversion with WWX about the non-consensual surgery WWX performed on him by mutilating himself on JC's behalf:

Why yes, he is injured, Hanguang-Jun! He's injured because he threw himself in front of WWX & you little fuck!

He does this once, and it causes JC's wound to open and start bleeding again, and then he goes to do it again!

It's a matter that seriously needs discussion, Hanguang-Jun. JC's world has turned upside down without him having a say in it or even being told about it for years, Hanguang-Jun. JC has every right to talk about it to the person responsible, Hanguang-Jun. It's a family matter, Hanguang-Jun.

And ffs What do you think WWX's brother wants to do to him?! After he took a stab to the chest for him?! He is wounded and his spiritual energy is sealed, what can he do? He's going through it right now in front of everyone. why would you humiliate him even more?! They're brothers! It's none of your business!

And WWX doesn't say anything! It's Jin Ling who must beg Hanguang-Jun to spare his uncle!

(I think they understood what a shitty move it was in the CQL, cause WWX at least lifts a hand to stop LWJ there. And LWJ doesn't actually push JC, opening his wound again, And then try to do it A SECOND TIME AFTER THAT!)

Like...Beating someone's family member in front of them is a very, very rude thing in general when they're themselves handling the situation very well. They were just having a family argument, and LWJ felt the need to beat JC. If you want to de-escalate a family argument, you do it the way JGY does. Or LSZ, A CHILD, de-escalates situations. While respecting both parties. Or else it just escalates even worse.

And this happened at the Jiang ancestral halls, too. WWX was the first to attack JC (which was totally within his brotherly rights when JC was being a little shit) and JC counter-attacked. JC's spiritual powers, unlike WWX's and LWJ's, hadn't returned yet. WWX totally got this. It wasn't their first time fighting. OK, LWJ deflected the first blow of Zidian. He didn't need to intervene further when WWX was beating JC in JC'S ancestral hall. WWX himself passed out when he realized wtf he was doing. (& bear in mind that hours ago, JC with his spiritual powers sealed, barely able to walk, picked his sword and was going to go back for WWX in the burial mounds, before he knew about the golden core thing)

Imagine your friend invites you to their home which they've ran away from when they were very young, their sibling that now owns the house lets you in even though you don't even say hi to them or acknowledge their existence there in anyway, & your friend invites you to somewhere you really have no business being in. IDK. Say, the master bedroom that's been locked ever since their parents' death. Your friend's sibling arrives there and they have an argument. You get offended in the crossfire but your friend leaps in to protect your honor, by beating the said sibling. The said sibling beats back. Can you imagine actually beating the sibling?! Trying to separate them, sure. But beating them?!

& others have talked in depth & better than I about how LXC just murdered the love of his life after some very shocking revelations & was 100% ready to die with him & was clearly going through it & LWJ just left with his boyfriend to fuck when LXC was the one who was there for him when HIS boyfriend died. Like..no LWJ didn't leave his brother after a few days. HE LEFT HIM THAT VERY MOMENT! DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A HANDKERCHIEF OR A PAT ON THE SHOULDER!

And people have also talked better than I about how WWX didn't tell LXC about Sisi bc...he might have shown JGY mercy?

[moodymisty]

It's longpost anon, here to drop another novel in your asks! (If this isn't welcome, just say so and I'll stop, no hard feelings!!)

All the Sanguinius content lately had me thinking about him having a daughter.

What spurred this on: I was grocery shopping this morning and there was a mom with her young daughter in front of me checking out. The kid would excitedly tell everyone "Nice to meet you!" when they walked past, and it was the most adorable thing ever. She was just so happy to see people and be out and about.

TMI but I'm at that point in my cycle where I was trying not to cry in public from the cuteness lol. (I've got baby fever, send help 😭) On the drive home, I started thinking about Sangy's daughter meeting all her uncles for the first time, and her trying to shake their giant hands with her tiny little ones and saying "Nice to meet you!" It would be so precious.

Then I started thinking about the mom being too kind for her own good, seeing Konrad lurking at the edge of the room alone and quietly asking him, "Do you want to meet your niece?"

It'd be like all the air got sucked out of the room. Sanguinius would just be tense as a board. Everyone is mentally screaming "Are you crazy?!" at her in their heads.

An aside: I've just read Konrad's primarch book, and while it shows why he is genuinely truly terrifying, there is also so many sad things.. Like how he doesn't hate any of his brothers (except Corax) despite them absolutely loathing him. Despite Fulgrim shattering his trust. Despite Sanguinius basically being the better alternate version of himself. I don't think the average person could be treated the way he was and not hate their family at least a little bit. I feel so badly for him.. I don't think he would hurt one of his brother's offspring pre-heresy. Maybe I'm just deluded though lol.

Anywho-

Everyone is just on edge, ready for Konrad to show even the most microscopic indication of aggression.. But he just kneels down, silently holds his hand out to the girl and she shakes his hand as best she can, giving him a cheery "Nice to meet you!" the same as she did for her other uncles. He just stands up, stares for a moment, and then silently leaves.. (He spends the next 72 hours trying to process the 12 different emotions he got blasted with in that moment.)

Also! Sangy's daughter being weirdly attached to one of the primarchs who is not particularly good at socializing with normies is really funny to picture. Like she gets SUPER hyped anytime she gets to see uncle Guilliman, and nobody knows why because he is honestly kinda boring to talk to. (It's because when she asks him a million questions about mundane things, he genuinely tries to answer every. single. one.)

Fulgrim trying to be the cool fun wine uncle but never being able to truly capture the kid's interest lmao. He's quietly seething like, why does she like paper-pushing Roboute?! (Fulgrim gets his time in the spotlight when she's a little older and gets super interested in art)

And the Blood Angels interacting with her would be so heartmeltingly sweet. Little mini Sanguinius asking for uppies from a captain because she wants to be Really Tall. He's just like, "It would be my honor." and hoists her onto his shoulder.

When the kid is still a toddler, the mom offhandedly asks her guard to hold her daughter for a second while she does something and just kinda shoves the squirmy toddler into his arms despite his protests. He's internally having a meltdown because he is so scared of hurting her accidentally and is still as a statue the entire time. The first time the mom refers to them as the girl's brothers, there would be no going back. Like, "Wave to your brothers!" as they're both watching the Blood Angels train. If it was even possible for them to adore their 'sister' any more, it would happen in that moment.

This is all super fucking cute. Especially the stuff with Konrad. And you are somewhat right; we have to remember that as fucked as Konrad is, he was largely under the impression that he was doing justice and only killing those deserving of it. I doubt he would think Sanguinius’ child was evil, at least at first. He has no reason to hate his child afterall, he never hated any of the Primarchs ‘cept Corvus.

Funny note I first read this while really tired and my brain skipped lines, and at first I thought it was Konrad asking people if they wanted to see their niece XD like he had a secret child. 💀 I’m dumb

[emeritus-fuckers]

Ok so you guys are like the only ones I trust with this request right now but xd hear me out. Prime Mover Reader dealing with all the celebratory mess from drunk asf Copia after tonight's Grammi win. Like I'm dying to see how you imagine that, WHAT is going on, how is the rest of the Abey celebrating etc etc. Also how does drunk Copia even behave? The public needs to KNOW

Lmao good to know you trust us - Jez

Drunk Copia and the Grammi celebration

I just know Nihil is turning in his grave, knowing he lost one of the leverages he had. He can't taunt Copia for not winning a Grammy/Grammi anymore. Grandaddy of All Rituals™ is not happy about that. In fact, he's so salty, he doesn't celebrate at all.

Sister Imperator gets tipsy for the first time in years because her baby won a Grammi and even if nobody knows she's his momma, she is a fucking proud momma. Let her have it.

The Siblings of Sin are celebrating in the best way they all know - partying. Alcohol, drugs, orgies... All kinds of stuff. It's... A really big mess. You should probably avoid big rooms for a while, at least until it gets cleaned up.

The Ghouls are left to their own devices. Most of them go to Hell for a few hours so they can have a more extreme version of the party. It may or may not include cannibalism.

As for our precious boy Copia and his Prime Mover...

Well, Copia is completely smashed. In his defense, he never partied as much as the previous Papas (especially Secondo), so he never really needed to build up that much alcohol tolerance.

He's a very affectionate drunk, incredibly wholesome, but almost overwhelmingly sensitive. You need to be there and hold his hand or he'll cry. And not just like little sniffles, this man will have a full meltdown if the love of his life is not right next to him.

He's all over you, hugging, kissing your cheeks, nuzzling his face against your shoulder. He doesn't grope or do anything sexual, though. Affectionate, not horny drunk.

If you do have to leave him for some reason and come back a few minutes later, he's so wasted he doesn't even recognize you and falls in love again?

You better learn Italian because he forgets English completely.

Actually, don't bother learning Italian. He most likely says random gibberish that won't make sense.

He has a long ass conversation with himself about different kinds of meatballs.

He's arguing with himself about what his favorite food is???And it gets??? So heated???

Like, if he could, he would absolutely get into a fistfight with himself all while still clinging to you. It truly is an incredible sight.

If you're not there when he got drunk, however, he would be on his phone and trying to contact you.

The type of guy to tell you you're the best girlfriend he ever had and then go "Wow, that's amazing, I'm so lucky!" when you remind him you're married.

Kinda married? As close to getting married as you can get, I guess.

If he's drunk when you arrive, he'll literally say he's falling in love. And ask if you're single. He will cry if you tell him you're not.

"Copia, sweetie, I'm not single, I'm your Prime Mover. I'm with you. We're together."

He will cry when he hears that and there's a 50/50 chance for the reason.

It can be either tears of joy because someone so beautiful is with him?? HIM?? Of all people??

Or it can be tears of utter despair because his mind is too fucking focused on the "I'm not single" bit to understand anything else.

You should probably keep him away from mirrors while he's drunk. He gets unreasonably jumpy around them?

Like, bro almost got a heart attack when you were taking him to the bedroom and he looked to the side only to see himself?

Nobody knows why he got so scared of himself??

Please tuck him in, he needs it.

He's like a cranky toddler who refuses to sleep.

It's a hilarious cycle of you trying to get him to sleep, him leaving the bed and trying to get back to the party only to end up panicking in front of a mirror again.

The first couple of times a few more sober Siblings of Sin try to take him back to his room or go get you.

They need to get you, there's no chance he's following anyone else.

It will take a few hours to finally get him to sleep because he's gonna be a mess. He gets so emotional it's weird.

You have to cuddle him until he's in deep sleep if you want to leave the bed without the risk of him waking up and either running away again or crying for you.

You find out later that the only reason he was running away was because you'd leave the room and the party was the last place his drunk mind remembered you being.

Drunk Copia is endearing. A bit tiring to deal with, but endearing.

[jacksdinonuggets]

~Big Bro~

Summary: vaggie goes into a meltdown at a party but angel saves her and lets her regress.

Note: two fics in one day??!? not really, I wrote the last on last night and just scheduled it for the morning. anyways, this one isn't much of a minific since its like 800 words.

After the battle between heaven and hell, a new hotel was built. Charlie immediately wanted to throw a party because they needed to celebrate victory. The new hotel was also very big and even had a room specifically for parties! Charlie planned on using it for graduation parties when someone gets redeemed. But why not do it now?

Vaggie was pretty excited about it. She hadn't been to a party in a long time. However, what Charlie forgot to say was that she was inviting everyone who helped out. That meant not only almost all of cannibal town was there but also Carmilla and her daughters. It was basically like seeing your teacher in public.

During the party, Vaggie was starting to feel overwhelmed, angry, socially tired, and irritated. She had done so much talking and just really wanted to run in her room and hide from everyone.

She was really uncomfortable during the whole thing because people kept bumping into her, trying to talk to her about the whole angel business, and her clothes started to cling to her because she was sweating from feeling overwhelmed.

Charlie wanted her to actually interact with people for a bit so she couldn't leave yet without disappointing her. And she would not disappoint her girlfriend.

So she suffered through it. However, her patience and strength was tested when the dj turned the music up. She could feel her ear drums beating with every second. Her body kept telling her there was danger nearby, even though she knew she was safe. 

As more time passed, the harder it was to breathe. She gasped for air, trying to suck in any oxygen she could get. Her body started moving before she could even realize what was happening. She crashed into the corner of the room, trying to find some sort of safe area. She covered her ears and squeezed her eyes shut. When would it stop? It was painful!

She felt something touch her shoulder and shrieked for a second before they quickly retrieved their hand. She looked up and saw Angel, squatting down, looking at her with concern.

Just having someone in front of her, staring at her, made the dam break. Tears poured out of her eyes and she let out a pathetic sob. 

“Shit! It's okay, Vags, can ya speak?” Angel’s voice was muffled behind her covered ears, but she understood what he said. She shook her head, dreading the idea of using her voice. 

“That's fine, but I'm gonna have ta touch ya, is that okay?” He asked. Vaggie didn't really want to but she nodded. He swiftly picked her up and cradled her to his chest as he carried her out of the room. She didn't dare look at where they were going.

Soon enough, she found herself being set down on a soft carpet and a pair of headphones being put on her. She looked around and saw that she was in the little room. She gave a confused, pouty, look.

“I saw you was hav’n a meltdown there. Figured you could use some little time to calm down,” He answered to her confused look. He got out her stuffed bear to which she made grabby hands for, regressing almost immediately. It took a lot out of her and she needed some time to feel small.

“Here ya go, Kiddo,” he handed her the teddy. She sniffled, her sinuses being weird from all the crying.

He knew coloring was a very relaxing activity and figured that she needed something calming. So he got out a few coloring books and crayons and one of those plastic tray desk thingies, and put them on the ground. Once vaggie got into a comfortable position with a heating pad and pillows against her back (Her back pain gets worse when she has meltdowns or panic attacks, even when she has wings), she set the tray table over her lap and began to color with her teddy bear in her lap.

He got out some milk from the minifridge and poured it into a trainer sippy (the ones with handles) and warmed it up in the microwave before giving it to her too. He hadn’t seen her eat much at the party and was a bit concerned she wasn’t getting all of her nutrients. Hopefully the warm milk would make it better.

Angel helped her when she couldn’t figure out what color to use, or when she wanted to play with something else. He tried his best to keep his cursing to a low but everyone knows that’s not gonna happen. He never said any sexual things though, not wanting to traumatize the already traumatized girl more. Overall, he was a pretty good caregiver. He played with her and got her things when she needed them. It was safe to say he was now on her emergency babysitter list.

[elacular-kink]

Poly-techhic 3.5 A: Oops all feelings

This is a pretty direct sequel to chapter 3. It's a very short scene where Maya asks Olivia about her relationship with Susanna now that she finally has The Context. This includes No Hiccups, sadly.

Character Sheet

TW: Religious trauma, Shame (remembered, discussed), Abortion (discussed), Emotional meltdowns (remembered), Shitty teachers (remembered), Kids/teens dealing with kink stuff (remembered), Self-loathing (remembered, discussed), Complicated romantic feelings

"Hey, Liv!" I said while we were lying in my bed together. "Now that I know about Susie's cute hiccup thing, can I know the full story behind you and her?"

Liv sat up and pursed her lips for a moment. "I guess you can now, yeah. Well, it started in preschool. I only remember parts of it because we were so young, but the main thing I remember is that it was the first place where a lot of people started getting sick of my hiccups and telling me that. Teachers and other kids. They'd do things like try and make me drink water or hold my breath, even though I told them I knew that nothing worked. They didn't listen to me. And every time a new person tried, they didn't listen to me either. But I could feel that Susanna was watching me. She always was, but she never talked to me, and she never tried to cure me. So eventually I just came up and asked her why she was staring at me, and she yelled 'You're scary!' and ran away. So I guessed that that made sense. I assumed it was a racism thing." It was kind of crazy to me to imagine a four-year-old being able to "assume it was a racism thing".

"But one day we had a substitute teacher who was really really bothered by my hiccups. And she kept trying to cure me, and after water and holding my breath, they got weirder, and she kept touching me and trying to drag me places and I started crying, and then Susanna yelled at her. She yelled about how nothing cures me and said that if she didn't stop trying to, she'd beat the teacher up. So Susanna and I both got sent to the corner. I asked her why she was scared of me, and she said it was because she was scared of the hiccups. When I asked her why she'd never tried to cure me then, she said that just because she was scared of them didn't mean that they shouldn't exist. And then out of nowhere she just yelled 'I'm gonna be brave and face my fears!' After that, we were best friends. She was always around me, especially when I had the hiccups, and if anybody tried to cure me or give me crap about them, she'd yell at them or hit them. Susanna got in trouble a lot.

"At the end of that year, my older brother got expelled because he was too autistic for them, so he and I were both sent to public school. That was probably a good thing, and I was happy to go to the same school he was, but I didn't realize Susanna wouldn't be going there too until it was too late. We left the church too, so I couldn't find her through that either. So all through elementary and middle school, I still had the same experiences, but no Susanna to protect me or get angry at people for me. That's part of why I realized being honest was important. Even if a lot of people didn't listen to me when I said that nothing cured me or that I didn't like being touched, some people would listen, and they'd know that I always said that, so I'd have a sort of paper trail. A court record, I guess. That's also why I learned how to get pretty good at muffling my hiccups. I don't like doing that when I don't have to, though, so I usually avoid it these days.

"Then in high school, I saw Susanna again. As soon as I did, I hugged her, because she said I could hug her any time. She was really confused and angry, but when I told her who I was, she remembered me right away. I was confused too because she acted like she didn't want me around, but then I remembered how she'd stared at me and run away from me when we were little, and I figured that she might just be scared of me again. But she'd decided to face her fear then, so she'd probably do it again now. And we had a bunch of classes together anyway, so I was going to spend time with her. I tried to reconnect with her with things I remembered her liking. Some of them worked, like talking to her about computer games. Or video games more broadly. But others didn't work, and I didn't understand why until later. Like, one of her favorite things to do when we were little was to play doctor when I had the hiccups and give me examinations. I never minded that, but when I asked if she'd like to do that again, she nearly exploded. I knew it wasn't really age-appropriate, but that still didn't make any sense to me until I learned about her hiccup fetish.

"Even though she acted differently, she was still the same Susanna Jane Butler I remembered. She'd get between me and anyone who tried to give me shit about my hiccups. Actually, she wouldn't let people give me shit about anything, even when I was the one who was wrong. That's something I still feel like I have to be careful about; not letting her act like I'm always right. Or convince me of that. When I say that I'm always right, I'm mostly being facetious, but there's a part of me that really believes it. And I think there's a part of her that really believes it too.

"She was really serious about catholicism still and got into arguments all the time with people about gay marriage and abortion. She's really embarrassed about that now. I was sort of able to guide her away from that. For the abortion thing, I ended up finding out that restricting access doesn't actually decrease the number of abortions that happen. Since she actually thought it was about wanting people to not kill babies, that made a huge difference to her, and it got her started changing her mind. Gay marriage was harder because there's nothing objective or numbery about that. It was also harder because she's gay, so I think she figured that if it was something about her, that something was probably bad. It's fucked up. Telling her I was bisexual didn't help. It just made her try to convince me to only ever date men and tell me I was lucky I had that option." Olivia frowned. "Susanna can be a real asshole when she gets envious of people."

"Jesus. So she was way fucking worse in high school." Imagining her like that, I knew I would have hated her fucking guts. "Uh, not that I'm not happy you did, but why the fuck did you keep hanging out with her?"

"Because she was still my best friend. I'd never had anyone who was as good a friend as her. And she was still a good friend, even if it wasn't the same as before and even if there was a lot more harder stuff than there used to be. She'd still do things like protect me from people who were mean, share her food with me, give me her sweaters when it was cold, and sing songs for me when I got overloaded. She's always been good at helping me with sensory overload. Part of it is probably that her little sister has some cognitive issues and has meltdowns kind of like mine, but she was good at it in pre-k too, so I think she might also just have always had a knack for it. Susanna's a person who always tries to do what she thinks is right. She tries way too hard a lot of the time, and when she's wrong it's really annoying and stupid, but when she's right and when she's helping people, it makes her someone really really special.

"When I learned about her hiccup thing, I don't remember exactly what set it off. It seemed like nothing to me. Susanna would probably remember it better. But at some point in junior year, Susanna flipped out when I tried to hug her, then ran off and locked herself in a bathroom. That's kind of her default panic response, I think. When I found her, she was crying. She only cried once or twice when we were in pre-k, and I'd never seen her cry in high school, so I knew that something was serious and bad. She said that I shouldn't come near her and that she was bad and evil. I told her that was stupid, and she yelled at me that that was because I didn't know the truth. So I told her that I knew that she was gay and she had a crush on me and that was fine. I was right, but, um..." It was rare for Olivia to use a filler word, and her flat face twisted into a small cringe. "That didn't help. That didn't help at all. So we fought a bunch. She actually had some grievances stored up. She doesn't do that anymore, especially not to me, because that's something I fear a lot. But she'd let small things that she felt were unfair for her to be upset about build up and they burst out. I started crying too, and crying almost always gives me the hiccups, so she came out of the stall she'd been hiding in and tried to run away, but I grabbed her and asked if she wanted me to leave her alone. She didn't say yes or no, she just screamed. And then we both got taken to the principal's office. The principal tried to get me to drink water, and she said 'That never fucking cures her you stupid piece of shit!' So she got suspended. I just got detention.

"I missed her like crazy the whole time she was away. And when she came back, I told her that. She told me that she missed me too, but that I needed to know the truth about her and she'd tell me after school. After school, we climbed to the top of a tree so we could have some privacy. Once we were there, she told me about her hiccup fetish, and she broke down crying, talking about how she'd been using me and doing bad things to me even back when we were little, and by never trying to cure me and letting me hug her while I had the hiccups, she was objectifying me and abusing me and...honestly, at some point I stopped hearing the words. Because she was saying a lot of things, but underneath it was really just 'I'm a bad person and I made you dirty' over and over and over again. So I told her that she wasn't a bad person and that she didn't make me dirty. I told her that I didn't feel like she used me, and I didn't mind if I turned her on. I even kind of liked it now that I knew about it. And I guess after that we were sort of dating.

"It didn't take me very long after that to realize I was aromantic. It was honestly a little frustrating because I knew I wanted to be with her, but I couldn't really give her the thing she wanted. I didn't know a lot about polyamory back then, so I didn't realize we had options, but I knew I couldn't give her what she'd want from a 'girlfriend,' so I told her I couldn't be that. I was really clear that we could still have sex though. It took her a while to understand that. But once we were actually fully having sex, I really liked it, and I've liked doing that with her ever since. So she's not my girlfriend and I'm not hers, but she's still my best friend. And we have sex. A lot."

"...damn." I scratched the back of my head. "I knew you two were kind of married, but that's some soulmate-type shit."

"That's stupid, but I get what you mean." I snorted. "I'm an atheist. Susanna says she is too, but she's really just an uncatholic. That's a really specific kind of thing. And to the extent that she still believes in god, I think she might believe something similar. That we might have some kind of divine connection or something. I don't think that. But I know that I love her, and I've never loved anyone else more than her. And I know that I like spending time with her more than anyone else." She took a slow, deep breath. "I've been learning that she isn't enough though. Not for me. And I'm not enough for her. And that's scary. But learning it is a good thing. Because we shouldn't just have each other. We should have other people. Other people we share, and other people who are just for us. Even if we do spend our whole lives together like I'd like to, I'm so glad that we'll have other people too. Even if I don't know who all of those are yet. So I guess what I'm saying is..." she smiled at me. A real, big, serious Olivia smile. "Thank you for being one of our first people, Maya."

Holy shit, marry me.

"No." 

I froze. "...fuck, did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah." Olivia didn't look particularly bothered, but I knew that didn't necessarily mean she wasn't.

"Shit, sorry." I rubbed my face. "Uh...for what it's worth, I didn't really mean you. I sort of meant...your relationship? That, uh...that's probably not better?"

"I don't understand what you meant, but I know that that's the kind of hyperbole you think and speak in." After an awkward moment, Olivia started talking again. "I'd like clarification on why you said that, though."

"Honestly, I'd like that too." I laughed weakly. She stared at me. Fuck, she could make eye contact hard when she wanted to. "...I'm catching feelings for you two. And when I do, that's scary, because I've kinda steamrolled people with 'em before."

"I won't let you do that to me," Olivia said without even thinking. "That might mean breaking up with you at some point, but I don't see any reason that it would as of now. And Susanna definitely won't let you do that to her."

A laugh forced itself out of me. "Yeah. I think that'd be kinda like trying to steamroll one of those fuckin' cement poles that stick out of the ground at Target. Or something."

"For now, though, I'm having fun with you." Olivia's big, real smile came back. "And I'm so glad to have someone I can talk about Susanna with for real now. So I'm really happy you like her. And I really like that she likes you back."

I shook my head and sighed. "Yeah. I like that too, Liv." I hovered an arm over her shoulders and she leaned into my side, letting me wrap her up and cuddle her. "Yeah. I like that a lot."

[taehyungfirst]

I think it's funny (not) that whenever some unknown person that doesn't even know him tries to do an statement on taehyung's identity ( which is a super immature and entitled behavior) some demographics choose to cling onto that like it means something while acting like taehyung's own right to state his own truth shouldn't matter (then again if this isn't proof of the dehumization these men experience idk what it is)

like obviously he can't say stuff outrightly, I mean billions of dollars of different groups and ppl are dependant on the image of these 7 dudes so it's not like they have much freedom to be themselves if that puts as risk investment but even so taehyung tries to be as blatant to state his truth as he can and I think that's proportional to the amount of ppl who are desperate enough to cling onto anyone's words before taehyung's own intentionality, the most taehyung tries to shows us who he is, the most some ppl get desperate to find something to give them solace to deny it no matter how ridiculous it is.

I'm thinking about Holland's meltdown the other day, the entitlement and dehumanization you have to have over someone to do that as a public figure, to spark conversation on someone's sexuality and intimacy in such industry with your huge platform and how the next day u have the entire remaining BTS members posting those sweet really loud tk pictures and later taehyung himself posting too with that song with those lyrics about going against the rest of the world with your lover. Idk if them posting those pictures was coincidental or if it was all of them choosing to show support after seeing the shitshow ( if they saw it) bc i know that I would be pissed seeing such an entitlement of speaking over someone that I know and who can't speak directly and whose struggles as closeted ppl I have seen for years and sparking debate of their intimacy and bringing hate on them, idk but I think either way the timing was great.

Hi! That demographic rejoice every time Taehyung interacts with a woman because it means he’s straight and Jkk can get married, while coping extra hard trying to ignore things like D*eun, they push narratives over narratives because they fear, they’re terrified by the idea of Tae actually being queer.

Public figures allowing their platform to speculate (in Holland case, with a platform of 2M people) is letting people speculate with you in an industry that types articles for every single thing (T*ennie rumors ended up on national television), articles that could gain traction and force people to take measures. The fact that both cases (the stylist and Holland) come from queer people just make it worse because you should KNOW how terrifying is the idea of being outed.

This being said, I think Taehyung is an extremely smart person, I don’t think he wanna send a message every single time he posts but I do think he tried to communicate through art multiple times, I always pray he doesn’t see this stuff happening online, but at the end of the day he keeps being his authentic self and I couldn’t be happier.

[chronicbitchsyndrome]

i'm sorry to nurses who wanted a job no more dangerous or conflict-ridden than a reception desk, but i do think that, by virtue of the position itself, being a HCW means you have to expect that patients will yell at you and try to physically hurt you multiple times during your career. like, i think that is factually and straightforwardly part of the job of caring for people in severe medical crises.

like obviously there's nuance--a phlebotomist who works at a blood testing chain isn't going to experience anything near what an ER nurse experiences--but if you're in a position where you are regularly caring for people who are not able to control themselves due to disease, psychosis, straight up just pain, etc, you're going to get body fluids on you and you are going to be hit and you are going to be yelled at. people in pain-induced psychosis cannot control themselves. people with a fever of 105 cannot control themselves. intellectually disabled and severely autistic people experiencing meltdown due to pain cannot control themselves. people with dementia cannot control themselves.

and like! i really do feel for nurses talking about poor working conditions and lack of mental health care and lack of workplace support and the traumas these things cause as a result. i really do. but the problem is not, and never will be, patients who can't control themselves. part of the job description of front-line HCWs is caring for people who cannot control themselves and that needs to be explicitly clear when talking about these things. i'm sorry but white women who wanted to be nurses because they thought it would be all giving children shots and setting broken bones need to Find A Different Profession Long Term because the reality of caring for the public's health needs is that the people who need health care the most are also the people whose problems cause gross, upsetting, difficult-to-manage, and potentially mind-altering symptoms.

[asksoldieron]

SO-20: "I just… um… Words. Sometimes. You know."

If there's a lot of engagement on this, this post is liable to get real long, beware before you expand.

Welcome to the Engagement Lounge, for A Little Loopy (249|20) an instalment! Short comments can go in the replies, but there's a 475 character limit. Longer ones will need a reblog. Remember to @asksoldieron if you're reblogging someone else's reblog, so I can see it too!

Okay! I may get myself in trouble here because I have to talk about this instalment when I'm still a little messed up about someone (with the BEST intentions) correcting the language I use to talk about, uh, loosing my language. They increased my anxiety about a word I need to use sometimes to get appropriate care, to the point where I won't be able to use it to get appropriate care right now, if I have to. I'm slightly less safe going out in public alone, with one less way to catch myself if I fall, and that makes everything worse because I know it. No matter how noble the intent, that's not okay. But Tumblr is the sort of place I could get in trouble for saying it's not. Because some folks here want to file me according to their perception of just how disabled I am, and then tell me how I should be acting. I'm really not sure how that's supposed to help everyone, but some folks are convinced it will.

But, Erik's meltdown here is mine, at least as far as the words go. I went back and changed it out of spite after I wrote it, because someone induced that kinda meltdown in me, and sometimes I wanna punch people until they develop empathy. I know it won't work, but I really, really wanna. I opened the doc and said to the spouse, "Fuck it, no words at all. If they love him, they'll figure it out." But, of course, I didn't say that. I said "totally nonverbal." And there is discourse about that. My God, is there discourse!

I don't like performing my pain in an attempt to get others to treat me how I want to be treated. And how I want to be treated is please, please don't make it harder for me to find a word I can use to get people to back off and let me put myself together when I can't find hardly any words. Erik has a hard time finding words he doesn't use a lot, so that word's not likely to come out of him. I have a hard time finding words that aren't specific, so it might come out of me. But I do need to be able to use it when I'm not struggling, sometimes, or it gets harder to find. Like now.

I did go write down some of what my deal is, and how I feel, after that person politely nudged me into my place. But I didn't post it anywhere because I don't wanna tell it to the world. At least not right now. That's inviting more well-meaning people to categorize me and I have enough on my plate. Please just remember, not everyone who fails to play by the rules is dog-whistling to cause harm, or just being entitled. And you're not entitled to demand, "Prove it."

I know if Erik could say "nonverbal" someone would pop up to tell me, "no, bad writer." But I do wonder, if ya had to sit him down in the hotel room and say it to his face as he breaks down crying with no words to explain how to help him, would anyone say, "You can talk most of the time. That word is wrong for you. Pick another"? I really hope not. But, if someone said that when he was having a good day, he'd remember it. He'd still remember (at some point, heh, poor kid) when he's having a meltdown. Being scared and upset doesn't erase someone trying to take that word away from him so he can't use it ever, because he's not having a hard enough time in comparison to someone else.

It's hard for me to stick up for myself, but - oh, man - I will come for you if you hurt my boy. Please try not to. We all hurt each other without meaning sometimes, so all I can ask is that you try.

There is so much that would make this world better and more accessible for all of us. Just for example: safe, affordable housing for all, and not having to drive everywhere to get healthcare and/or food. It can't just be for the least of us, because then we hafta fight each other for the title of "least." I don't wanna. I'm real tired of it. Why isn't everyone?

[Back to Site?]

*Art Edit: My reference image is from Voodoo Child by Rogue Traders, and I think I pulled it off. I mean, if you've seen the video, I think you'll recognize it.

And if you haven't, it still makes sense. Poor Erik!

I can point out exactly where I screwed up, too, and the Glaze artifacts stick out like crazy (to my eyes, anyway). Nevertheless, Erik look like Erik, and I'm happy with his design in this style. Happier than I have been with how he looks in my art-deco-ish style! I'll have to put the HQ version in the Ko-Fi store.

[starlight-tav]

October 07, 2023

Slowly working my way through Looking After Your Autistic Self, and one of the things that has really stood out me is the chapter on making a Quick Calm Plan.

Garvey outlines different ways to build a visual quick plan that you can reference when you're overwhelmed and racing towards shutdown or meltdown. She's very honest and does point out that not all autistic people are able to use this kind of tool, because shutdowns and meltdown look and feel different for all of us, and we may require different kinds of help.

I do think that this kind of plan may be helpful for me, especially at work. I'm struggling through intense burnout, and the frequency of shutdowns I'm experiencing at work is distressing. I wish more than anything that I could take an extended time off, but there's just no way for me to do that right now. Hopefully this visual aid will help me to remember the steps that may help me stay calm until I can be in a safer and quieter place.

My plan is as follows:

1. Go to the bathroom (we have a staff only restroom at work) where I can sit quietly for a few minutes, in the dark if necessary

2. Drink water and do a practiced breathing exercise if I'm hyperventilating

3. Hold my ice pack

4. Eat a snack

5. Ask for help (for me, this would be asking for a 15 minute break or to go home early if I absolutely need to)

My manager is quite accommodating and will almost always allow me to have a break if I need one (I'm a full-time library assistant, so I work with the public 8 hours a day.) Not everyone has a boss that is willing to work with them like this, so this list may not work for them.

Garvey says that it's good to have a list like for different situations. I'm trying to develop one for at home and one for events as well. But this is what I was able to do today.