#and I’m just supposed to go to class
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Things fucking suck!!!!!!
#I think I’m#doing an okay job at prioritizing and juggling things so I don’t like screw anyone over#and keep my obligations good#and everything right bc. like I can’t screw over the kids we represent right I’m not going to let this screw them over but it fucking sucks!#I just want to spend time crying#I don’t wanna work and read I wanna cry and break down!! this sucks!! this sucks!!#I was coming to terms when I went home last weekend it might be the last time I saw pepper bc she’s already lived longer than the vets#predicted#but not my mom?!!? like I knew it was going to be harder and harder to communicate#and I think I posted about coming to terms with these maybe being the final times we could have like verbal conversations#or like nearing that#but she’s not drinking she’s not eating it’s not fair?’nnn#my mom yelled at me for hours that I was fake. I had to hear her scream in terror as she was taken away in an ambulance#and now!! my dad is texting us you all might want to come home this weekend I hate this I hate this#and I’m just supposed to go to class#thank god one of my teachers is so nice about it but cr hurst#idk#I don’t wanna email and talk about it#fuck#personal
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in my experience i didn’t get interested in kingdom hearts by watching or playing anything first. i got interested by watching people post about cute anime children murdering each other and i was like ‘fascinating. i wonder how this got past the disney censors. let’s find out’
#kingdom hearts#khposting#of course i stayed for all the genuine heartfelt stuff. but that’s what got my attention first#media that is clearly supposed to be dark and is dark: meh. ok#media that is supposed to be fun and childish that dips a bit into dark stuff for delicious tonal whiplash every now and then: LET’S GO#‘why do you only like children’s stuff’ eh. cuz i like when stuff can be messed up and real#but when the creators aren’t allowed to lean on blood gore and violence as a crutch. i like when they’re forced to think outside the box#you tell a kids media creator they aren’t allowed to kill someone and they go ok. got it. i will create a fate worse than death#now that’s what i’m talking about!#not saying all adult stuff is uncreative blood gore and violence of course#just saying that it’s always a possibility and it makes me nervous#i like being personally guaranteed in advance that i wouldn’t be jumpscared by upsetting things and personal triggers bc i’m v sensitive#i get anxious without that guarantee#it isn’t baseless anxiety at all it happens. i have been shown so much awful stuff in one of my film-related classes lately#including one of my own worst personal nightmares#call me cringe idc
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#one of my silly little goals this year is to talk more about my accomplishments even though they aren’t super recent#I’m tired of resigning myself to being a burnt out former gifted kid. I studied at Oxford for a term.#I taught a college class. I TA’d for two other college classes. and volunteer TA’d for the department’s hardest course offering#because I was already being used as a TA that semester for a different class and the professor still wanted someone to run review sessions#I had professors fighting over me to do work and research for them! I had departments fighting over me! I did summer research!#I was the first person in my department in nearly a decade to ask to do a senior thesis. for fun.#I ran programs and clubs and I was a writing tutor for the writing center AND the resume lab/career center#I was the only person in my writing professor’s tenure to earn a 100 on my research paper for that stupid fucking class#in high school I was second in my class and did it while writing one-act plays for production and doing district choirs and acting#I’m so so so tired of beating myself up and falling to my knees and doing penance for the past 4 years.#I fumbled some stuff at the start of my 20’s. I’m an adult with ADHD that no one clocked while I was growing up.#I was supposed to go to St Andrews for an MLitt and then the pandemic happened and I had to withdraw.#I just need to get over it and stop agonizing over every misstep I’ve made since college#otherwise I’m never going to make it out of my 20’s alive#so yeah. for those of you who don’t know! I am a silly cumdrunk braindead good girl PART-TIME#the rest of the time I’m clawing my way back to the high standards I set for myself from first grade onward#my stuff#ignore me i’m rambling
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Omg Combeferre what are you doing here?
#I’m supposed to be doing class work but I just spent 30 minutes in photoshop doing this :’)#I need to stop#i can’t go on like this#Combeferre#les mis#les miserables
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i wanna try taking an actual art class at my uni but they’re either all locked behind pre reqs or literally have “this is NOT a FUN art class so if you want to have a good time GO SOMEWHERE ELSE” in the course description so like. puts head in hands
#like i just wanna take one as an ELECTIVE and for FUN i don’t want to make me wanna DIE#and all the ones i’m actually interested are once again#locked behind pre reqs#so i guess non-art majors who want to take art classes are just supposed to go f themselves#ugh. pain
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Idk if this is controversial, but studying for a English/writing degree at university shouldn’t make you NOT want to engage with writing or literature. Just a thought.
#the amount of times one of my literature professors presented us with the worst reading or interpretation (some of which were just plain#revolting) of a piece of literature almost as if she were expecting us to like it just because it was sensational and me and everyone else#going ‘um. no. sorry. not only does that make no sense but now I kind of want to throw up’#I just came here to read some gothic lit and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now. (my fault for signing up for gothic lit I suppose)#her English survey class made me never want to look at the written word again#however I know this isn’t me having an issue with survey classes (although the rate they make you read at is kind of ridiculous and I read#fast: case in point for one of them I had to read Huck Finn in 9 days)#because I took American Survey from another professor and it was really challenging but probably the best course I ever took at university#I was not expecting to develop such a distaste for the academic world at uni but maybe that’s just my university (whenever I complain about#this my mom always tells me I need to watch Dead Poet’s Society lol)#siggggghhh anyway. hoping for some better classes with my exchange program (although none of them are writing/English as I’m almost#finished with my degree)#english lit#university#english#college
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i fear i am actually not that smart and i need to remember this more often
#camera talks#i just make myself feel really bad for not taking any ap classes this year even tho i know if i did#i probably would have fucking. thing im not supposed to say but yk.#like it was already so stressful#im glad i didnt take any#but also im not top of my class quality and i need to get over that#im middle of the pack etc whatever i just need to get through this#and my sat score honestly sucks#i could have done so much fucking better but i'll probably die before i retake that#and I’m struggling so bad to write this speech it’s not good#I hate school so much#still going to college tho#oopsie this is a vent again#I’m having a day guys
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Last post before I crash and no-one hears from me until I return from my first final the morrow’s eve (a changed man no doubt) but there’ll never be anything funnier to me than consistently being viewed as a composed and calm saviour by peers while I’m, actively and uncontrollably losing it.
#not said sarcastically or as a vent by the way I genuinely find it so terribly amusing. you think I have it together ? aw <3 you fool.#i’ve been pacing around my room like a starving lion since the past week in whatever free time i’ve had.#and i keep getting people in my messages begging me for last minute help ? which is endearing but. i’m hanging on for dear life myself#helping isn’t foreign to me; i have 4 (?) people in my class who almost exclusively refer to me as ma’am and even refer to me as a teacher.#but helping last minute is so. deeply chaotic.#and I have this issue with me where having others around me makes me immediately drop into a ‘role’ of sorts?#i’ll be freaking out but then someone else starts freaking out around me and my immediate response is to just.#hey. we are going to make it out of this. it’s easy as pie. do you see me worried? no right? <- on the verge of hyperventilating#there’s this one guy in particular who got so excited to find out we have the exact same examination set-up tomorrow.#i gave him like basic pointers and i don’t think i’ve ever been thanked so earnestly and desperately in my life.#i remember during mocks my friends would message me what I wrote in questions and then they’d immediately go oh thank Fuck.#they’d literally just act like they’re absolutely going to pass now just because we had points in common.#as if i’m some sort of fucked up correct answer sheet incarnate.#it’s genuinely really sweet to me though; like i’m not posting this ranting or such.#having so much faith in another to the point that you can put yourself completely at ease says. alot i think.#and i’m glad i can be that person for so many.#and I feel like it helps me in a way too because i become so concerned with others that I forget to drown myself in my worries.#i forget that I’m worried because there are others to care about and console and help. so i suppose they help me in a way as well.#but also who is going to be that person for ME. who is going to console ME. im going fucking neurotic /jest#<- woman with ego issues & control issues who would rather die than accept help.#sigh. oh well. I’m sure we’ll do just fine. cannot wait#🥀🍷 — colloquy.
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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i won’t screenshot the dms bc i don’t feel like opening the latest message but EYE posted on my story abt the tiktok pictured below basically about how i got horny thinking abt someone working through a difficult math problem lol don’t worry abt that anyway sam slides up bc i cut part of it out so as to avoid insta censors and my slight embarrassment lol and was like does that say c*m and i was like well yes and then he was like haha what you’re into math… girl u have to walk w the thought process 😑 which i know you’re incapable of anyway so i vaguely responded like ah yeah what being away from stem for so long will do to u and he responds with like ten messages. including. ‘you gotta do it yourself’ that’s not the point 🙄 ‘you know how i’m terrible at talking to women’ wow really ‘so i realized i can calculate the speed of cum’ ‘bc i have some data’ DID I ASK?????!???!?!!!?!!!!! hello there’s oversharing and then there’s this… does the girl you’re having sex with know you share to this extent. and then he said how he accidentally brought this up to someone irl to be like haha awk whoops and i was like yeah well there r times where perhaps we need to self censor. and then i also get a message that’s like ‘hang on im doing the math’ IM NEVER EVER EVER GONNA BE ATTRACTED TO U I HOPE U KNOW THAT SCREAAMMMMM (and u need to know bc he’s genderfluid. im only using one set of pronouns for clarity on here ok i promise im not a dick. but he thinks he’s like. an exception for lesbians basically… like he doesn’t Count…. and like look im no essentialist im all for like freaky gender sex but also at so many other turns you do take advantage of being seen as a white male so. i don’t. yeah.) he’s kind of like the creepy dude at the edge of the friend group in high school named matt who would constantly harass me and my ex but like tried to be so lowk abt it. and it’s so bad basically. ‘17mph is crazy’ i hope you fall in an intersection sorry i can’t do this anymore 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫 so pissed i have to see him tmrw i should be able to watch mmxxl w scully in peace
#like. WHAT possesses a person to say all this#it’s not like i’ve never talked abt sex stuff w sam or friends i mean look at my major and shit we’re watching we’re all adults here#but like HUUUUHHHHH???? on my silly little story about wanting to watch someone do calc or some shit… shut up…#it’s actually insufferable and i need u all to know. it has not always been to#like. this egregiously bad. certainly there are some flags i missed over time even when we first met maybe but he was significantly#more chill last year.. at least as far as i interacted w him. this is like. yeah idk#and just any time we’re together in person now he launches into whatever is on his mind or he’s up to at that moment what happened to hello#how are you etc. not that i can even like stand conversation esp like. dude we haven’t talked since the day we recorded the podcast#assignment which was also egregious. why would you start off like this. hello#abby talks#i hope his other roommate like beats him up or something. wont happen but well#AND more importantly. do i wear a mini skirt tmrw if i’m seeing roommate#we’re supposed to but we were also hoping to hang outside and now it’s gonna rainnnn but we’ll see#i don’t usually go for a cunty little fit on a monday. but i could. AND i get to go to class a half hour late
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Also kind of funny how people say i’m quite discreet and don’t talk a lot when i’m afraid i talk too much (maybe too loud or too fast) and afraid i ended up annoyed them. (Can smn explain pls xD)
anyway it’s late i apologize if it doesn’t make so much sense it is late)
#i mean i know teachers have been tellign for years i don’t participate enough in class. sorry i just have nothing to say or don’t want too#also my pseudo/ nickname is literally fantomette aka ghost/ fantôme (feminine nickname) because i’m silencious#and people don’t know where i am (in my own house!) and now apparently i spawn next to people xD#yeah had a nice evening where i talked more with nice acquaintances at schools! and yeah i wonder…#is it a neurodivergent moment 😅#when i’m passion about smt i talk. A LOT. maybe too much. i always reflect how i say dumb things or perhaps ´cut’ too much people#and that i should just shut it and listen#cut = too much intervention/ adding stuff?#so yeah nice suprised i supposed. but yeah if i don’t directly talk to smn or have nothing to say well i listen/ go on my phone/ daydream#i already talk to myself a lot. not ok to do that in public lol#so yeah interesting 🤔 if smn know smt about well that subject could be cool#didn’t have anyone really close so i hang myself to group. but that’s cool re having friends time like earlier today with other cool people#autism adhd ? infj or just well me being me who knows i still don’t know
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annoyed with my roommate >:(
#B and I share pizzas but I need the pizzas more (safe food) and I buy most of them#so the rule is supposed to be that B keeps track of how many they eat vs how many I’ve bought and buys replacements#Ex: I bought 7 pizzas. B bought 3. B ate 5 pizzas; now B needs to buy 2 replacement pizzas.#this is a rule bc I have a lot of food restrictions and trauma around going hungry and B knows this. and B agreed to buy me replacements.#generally he’s been pretty good about it! but we were both leaving for trips this past weekend and I specifically asked him to replace#my pizzas bc I knew I was gonna be hungry when I got home#and he did not do that. so yesterday I ordered chipotle for dinner bc I could not go shopping bc energy GONE#and now I’m sitting here after class like >:( I wanted to eat lunch and now I can’t#I’ll go shopping after class today I’m just Annoyed. I’ve been spending a lot of money this week bc of trip and I can’t super afford to#order DoorDash or go shopping more than once a week. bc I am unemployed and living off of savings rn.#*screams*#and now I’m sitting here trying to find foods I can eat and reassure myself that it’s okay and I won’t starve#bc body is convinced that me being hungry means that I’m gonna be hungry for a long time#I’m gonna go make some popcorn. I ate the pumpkin brownies Beck gave me so that helps.#I wish I’d thought to ask Hobbs for the leftover pizza slices from Saturday night. ah well.#I’m safe and I will be able to buy groceries after class and I will eat dinner and I’m not in trouble for needing food#it’s okay
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waiting for a guy to call you back is such An Experience ™️
#OKAY#so me and FG were SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FACE TO FACE CONVO ABOUT WHAT HE SAID THE LAST TIME (check my last rant post if you dk what im talking#about) ON SUNDAY BUT I RAN OUT THE CAR BC AAAAAA FEELINGS BUT THEN WE WERE SUPPOSE TO MEET TODAY AFTER MY CLASSES BUT HIS BRAKES FOR THE CA#WERE ACTING UP SO HE HAD TO CANCEL BC DUH ITS THE BRAKES THAT CAN CAUSE AN ACCODENT#AND SO WE WERE ON THE PHONE JUST DOING SMALL TALK KINDA DANCING ADOUND THE ACTUAL REASON WHY WE WERE TALKINF#AND THEN HE HAD TO GO BC IG HIS FRINED WAS ON THE OTHER LINE TO HELP HIM WITH HIS CAR SO VALID#AND HE SAID I QUOTE “HOLD UP I’LL CALL YOU BACK’ END QUOTE#4 HOURS AND HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO IM STILL WAITING FOR A CALL LIKE ???????????????#AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN AFTER AN HOUR OF WAITING HE SENDS ME A MEME#ON INSTAGRAM#LIKE MY LIEGE ARE YOU SEARS?! DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW A FUSE ??????? LIKE IDEK WHAT IS GOING THROUGH HIS HEAD LIKE OMGOODNESS#i’m Calm Cool and Collected ™️ tho yk? like i’m soooooo normal about this guy and my feelings yk? im just in turmoil on the inside#Friendly Giant ™️#vk overshares in the tags#mutuals my beloved
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Born to play Spider-Man Remastered, forced to do school work (stupid school work at that, what the hell sort of math class makes people do presentations???)
#literally#my math professor is making us create presentations about some of the stuff we’re going to go over#even though it’s not even the second month of the semester and half the topics are stuff no one knows anything about#I was LUCKY to snag basic right triangle trig#I love trig so it’ll be fairly simple for me but still there are people in my class who will have to do super advanced calculus stuff#despite not knowing anything about it#and we’re supposed to present in a way that actually teaches at a precalc level#basically my teacher is using us to make her notes for later on#which I think is ridiculous and lazy#I have NEVER been in a math class where I’ve had to give a presentation#I’m not adding any relevant tags this is just a rant basically#college struggles#I guess
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hey does anyone know how we’re supposed to survive it all. asking for a friend
#she speaks#oh gang we’re really in it now#i don’t think i’ve ever felt this bad this deeply in my whole life lol#the burnout just keeps accumulating past any point i thought it could reach#and i can’t even pretend at work anymore#i’m so tired and these kids are so infuriating and it builds and builds every time they do something shitty#and i love them and it’s not their fault they’re just kids and they’re tired and it’s almost summer#but god i can’t fucking do it anymore#how exactly am i supposed to survive the next two weeks#the class i’m taking is too confusing and too fast paced#and i didn’t buy the textbook bc it’s 200 fucking dollars#and our apartment is always a mess#and i can’t keep up with friendships and feel like i’m constantly letting them down#and there’s nothing i can do to fix any of it#until the school year is over#bc at this point it takes everything i have just to get up and go to work in the mornings#but then i still have to somehow find energy to do other stuff too. and like actually teach.#i have to grade and do report cards and return materials and clean up my classroom#i need to complete a checklist the size of a novel before i leave for the summer#i need to keep the kids engaged but none of us want to be here#i need to start organizing to make next year easier#i need to fill out paperwork and spreadsheets and update my password and find time to feed myself and grade more papers and#vacuum the floors and scoop litter and clean up clutter and do dishes and wipe down counters#and i haven’t been able to fucking do any of it in months and left so many chores to my poor partner who’s also going through it#bc i have nothing left and i don’t know what to do!! i want to scream every minute of every day bc i’m so beyond overwhelmed the moment#i wake up in the morning but i don’t have time for a meltdown so i just keep going!!#i wish i had better words to explain how bad it’s gotten but the brain fog has gotten so so bad#i can barely think i can’t make decisions my memory and recall have gotten so much worse#i take my anxiety meds so often that they’ve stopped working#and yet i still worry that i’m making it up and being dramatic. anyway sorry about all this lol
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Val Is Pretty Sure She Might Be Losing Her Mind, more at 11
#okay so y’all. do you happen to remember Alcott Boy? the guy I had a crush on from school last year (or really the whole time I’ve been in#college honestly) who had Opinions on Little Women#yeah him. anyway I thought I was over my crush on him but GUESS WHAT it’s back and worse than ever#like I only have one class with him that’s once a week but guys guys I feel like I’m LOSING MY MIND like. I’ve never felt the urge to#actually go up to a guy and say ‘hey do you wanna go out with me?’!! like I would never actually do that but the urge is most definitely#there??? and it’s not even that he’s cute (although I mean I think he’s cute) but he’s really really intelligent and funny and very notably#always willing to bring up his faith in class discussions (and this isn’t really the campus for that) and I’ve always admired him for that#(this is also the boy that looked at something I wrote in fiction class and said ‘that’s it that’s what love is supposed to be like!!’ LIKE#) and I genuinely don’t know what to do#like should I be concerned that I feel this strongly so soon after The Boy?? should I be concerned that this might just be limerance???#my roommate has been offering to talk to him for me and ask if he’s single and is it insane that I’m actually considering it???#like if I’m going to now is the ideal time—I’ve already had my class with him this week and spring break is next week#and I’m certain he would never make me feel bad if he didn’t feel the same. but if he did wouldn’t he have said something by now? I don’t#know I don’t know I don’t knooowww#but I graduate in two months and I don’t want to regret it for the rest of my life
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