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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 1 year ago

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Don't Speak 19

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, obsession, stalking, manipulation, reclusive behaviour, disordered eating, dissociation, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

This is a dark!fic and explicit. 18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: Reader is a reclusive loner who ventures down to the library on a simple mission. Her task is complicated by the man she meets there. (f!short!reader)

Character: librarian!Andy Barber

Note: If this chapter makes you nervous, let me get a hell yeah.

As per usual, I humbly request your thoughts! Reblogs are always appreciated and welcomed, not only do I see them easier but it lets other people see my work. I will do my best to answer all I can. I’m trying to get better at keeping up so thanks everyone for staying with me <3

Your feedback will help in this and future works (and WiPs, I haven’t forgotten those!)

Love you all. Take care. 💖

You're on the edge of tears as you dress in the bathroom. You keep your back to the mirror, ashamed. You don't want to even think of what Andy saw, what he must've thought.

You sniffle as you pull your sweater down and you gather up your old clothes and towel. You can't seem to find your underwear but assume they're caught in your pant leg. You listen at the door, ready to blubber in horror.

You wait until you're certain it's safe and quickly flit down to the guest room. You're almost in hysterics as you close the door. You throw your clothes on the floor, losing all semblance of control, and hurl yourself towards the bed.

Ugh! You'll never be able to show your face again. Oh, god. And Andy? Will he be mad? You should just leave, just like you did before. It would be easier if no one even knew you were around.

Why didn't you ask? You should've asked. It's not your house. He would've known. It all wouldn't have happened if you just said something.

You crash down into regret and self-hatred. Weak. Dumb. Ugly. Everything is wrong with you.

You curl up and hide. You bury yourself in the blanket and let your mind sink down behind thick walls. The world turns to fog. You're not there, you're not anywhere.

It's like sleep but without benefits. You're endlessly awake but so far out of your body, you can only watch the shadows shift and sway. There is nothing but the endless sea of your despair, drowning you until you can’t see through the tide.

There's a crackle. A distant voice. You hear 'dove' but nothing else. The word swings in and out like a pendulum. A blurry silhouette darkens the space but you only see a smear of grays before you. You close your eyes and roll over.

Your body aches. Your stomach peels inwards and your skin turns oily. You can smell yourself rotting, only rising to blindly drift to the bathroom and back again. Like a spirit haunting a place you don't belong.

The acrid taste of brewed herbs stains your tongue. It mingles with the unbrushed filth of your mouth. You wade and sink, further and further.

Then the wall crumbles. The harsh clap of hands focuses your eyes. You blink and bat your eyes as the thick fingers as they part.

Andy's blue eyes pierce you as he leans over you. His chagrin carves a line into his forehead and dimples his cheek. He drops his hand onto your shoulder and you wince, whimpering.

"Come on," he bends over you, sliding his arms under your back, sitting you up against the pillows.

You cough and croak. He lets go of you, leaning back as he considers you. Deja vu ripples over you but you can't place the memory's seed.

He takes a cup of tea from the night table and hovers it before you. You blink and shiver. You don't understand.

"You there, honey?" He asks as he presses the porcelain to your lips.

You drink before the tea can dribble down your chin. The heat is soothing but not too much. The taste is stringent and stings your throat. You choke and he lets up.

"Alright," he puts the cup back down and uses a corner of the blanket to wipe your mouth, "dove, dove," he snaps his fingers as your lashes droop, "don't leave me. Come on. I have good news, alright?"

You don't understand. You don't know where you are and why you're there. You don't remember what happened.

"Where's Amber?" You whisper.

You see the tick in his jaw as he squints, "what? No, dove, you're sick. I'm gonna take you to the doctor. We're gonna get you better–"

"Sick."

"Five days," he says, "you don't… you don't remember?"

You stare at him and frown. No, you don't. You hang your head and lean into the pillows.

"Can– has this happened before?" He rests his hand on your lap.

You nod. It's not the first time the hours and days lapsed ahead of you. That you woke from beneath the ice, barely thawed and numb. He touches your arm and gives a soft hum.

"That's okay. You'll be okay. I have a friend, he specializes in this sort of thing." Your eyes lift slowly and you look at him. He reaches to pet your head, "I think you should see him."

"Won't help."

"How do you know?" He challenges.

"They never… do."

He scoffs, "I don't know what doctors you see, but I know this guy. He's just going to… ask some questions, okay?"

"I don't…"

"Now, you have to," he says, firmly retracting his hand, "I've been worried sick for damn near a week and I won't keep doing this. Dove… I can't bear to see you like this."

You look away again, "why do you care?"

"Of course I care," he caresses your cheek, "why wouldn't I? What is it? Did your sister not care?"

"Please," your voice creaks.

"I'm not like her. I'm gonna take care of you. Dove, you're not broken. You just need to heal."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he pats your thigh through the blanket, "it's easy, okay? Just finish your tea. Right, that's simple."

You watch him. What? Just drink the tea, but…

What else can you do? You shakily reach for the cup and he smiles. You bring it to your mouth as he stands and he goes to the dresser.

"That's step one, then you put this on," he brings over a stack of clothing, "see, small steps. I'll wait downstairs and then we can move on to step three."

You slurp the tea. It eases the tilt in your head a little. You murmur over the cup and he claps his hands again, jolting you.

"You know I'll be around. If you need any help," he lingers by the door, biting the inside of his cheek, "honey, you can do this."

📚

Step two is difficult enough. Getting dressed zaps you of what little is left of your spark of energy. You think of crawling back under the covers but the guilt adds to the acid in your belly.

You find your steps stumbling and stiff. You emerge and take in the walls as if they're entirely new. You get to the stairs and sit at the top, out of breath from the effort.

You haul yourself to your feet, leaning heavily on the railing, nearly sliding down it as your toes barely stay on the stairs. When you get to the bottom, you glance around. Your head bobbles and Andy appears just around the corner from the kitchen.

"Step three," he says, "you have to eat."

You grumble.

"I know, I know," he comes towards you and tugs you away from the banister by your elbow, "just toast and butter. You'll feel better."

📚

Step three; breakfast.

Step four; put your shoes on.

Step five; get in the car.

Six; wait.

You have no idea where you are as Andy pulls up to the white brick facade. You saw signs but didn’t look up fast enough to read them clearly. Your world is still fuzzy at the edges.

Step seven; get out of the car.

Andy helps you down from the SUV and you quickly make space between you and him. You feel strange and insecure. As if he knows too much about you. He’s seen you at your worst. No one else has seen you like that, only Amber.

He deflates but withhold his disappointment. Instead, he points you towards the set of doors at the front of the building and bids you ahead of him. You approach the entrance but don’t try to open the doors. Andy does so from behind and patiently waits for you to go inside.

You stop at the metal door of a small elevator. The mystery of it all gnaws away at you. The longer he doesn’t explain, the more your head tries to fill in the blanks. Every possibility seems dire.

You step into the elevator as it opens and it shifts slightly as Andy follows. He hits the button for the third floor as the doors roll shut. You stare at the floor until the loud ding scares you. Again, you go first. It’s disorienting as you don’t know where to go.

Andy tells you to stop at the second door. You read the plaque beside it. A doctor, like he said. Not the typical kind, not the ones at the emergency room.

There’s a woman behind a desk, she greets you and Andy with a chime. Despite your displacement, her tone is welcoming. He gives your name and she checks her monitor, scrolling with a smile.

“There you are. He’ll be right with you.”

Andy nudges you towards the sitting area. You sit and he does too. You stare at your sneakers as he leans back in his chair. He taps his fingers then reaches for a magazine from the table. He flutters through and puts it back down. He’s anxious, like you.

One of the three doors at the other end of the room opens. You peek over from the corner of your eye. You see a figure emerge but not much else. They strut over to the desk and address the woman as Ellie. She speaks low enough that you can’t make out your words.

“Andy,” a male voice calls as the footsteps turn in your direction, “this must be… your friend.”

Andy clears his throat and stands up. You mirror him and fold your hands in front of you. The other man nears and shakes your companion’s hand. Then, he says something that surprises you; your name.

Your head bobs up and he smiles. He’s an inch or two shorter than Andy, with darker hair and brighter eyes. His jaw is square and the angles of his face are arranged in just the right away. He offers his hand and your eyes drop to it.

“I know who you are,” he keeps his hand steady, “I’ve been expecting you.”

You glance over at Andy. He tilts his head encouragingly. You face the stranger again, he must be the doctor. You shake his hand. His grip is firm but not too tight.

“Dr. Steven Kemp,” he introduces himself by the moniker on the door plaque, “would you like to see my office?”

You turn your head and stare at the door he left open. He talks to you almost like a child, as if trying to make himself less threatening. You know why Andy brought you there. He thinks you need to be fixed. You agree with him.

“Sure,” you agree and pull your hand back.

He hovers a hand beside you and motions with his other. You set off across the office and hear a tut behind you. As you turn back, he blocks Andy with his arm, “just us. Doctor-patient privilege.”

Andy looks past him, at you. His brows pinch together but he leans back on his heel and exhales. He returns to the chair.

“I’ll be out here, honey,” he watches you until you continue your path.

You enter the office and the doctor follows you. He shuts the door quietly behind you. His pace is confident as he brushes by you, “please, have a seat. Wherever you’re comfortable.”

You take in the room. There’s a long chaise, a leather chair by the window, and a round backed chair with three legs. You chew your lip as you consider the options.

“Where are you sitting?”

“Don’t worry about me, please,” he insists as he picks up a tablet, unhooking a pen from the loop on the side. It’s similar to the one Andy got you.

You sit in the three-legged chair. It’s stiff and hugs you closely. It’s not very big or comfortable. You don’t move or complain.

He leans against the desk set diagonal along one corner. You watch him, filled with more dread than curiosity. He wears a tidy blue button up and dark slacks, no tie.

“All I want you to do today is answer some questions for me,” he begins, “that doesn’t sound like too much, does it?”

You shake your head, “I can do that.”

“That’s great,” his blue eyes are transfixed on you, as if he sees nothing else. He keeps his arm bent around the tablet, twiddling the pen between his fingers. “First, why are you seeking therapy?”

You think. You turn to look at the wall. That’s easier.

“I’m not.”

He hums, “…he brought you here. So, why did you agree to come?”

You bend your arm on the side of the chair and rub your neck, “I don’t remember…”

“You don’t remember why you came?”

“No, I came because… because I don’t remember. He says it’s been five days, but I don’t know.”

He’s quiet. You lower your head. You stew in humiliation.

“Has this happened before?”

You nod and gulp out a confirmation.

“Often?”

“Sometimes.”

“And is there something that typically triggers these episodes?” He prompts.

“I don’t… know.”

“Alright, well, what happened before this one?”

You lean your head in your hand as you try to think of the answer. You close your eyes and delve into your mind. The kitchen, the pan, you burnt your hand, the hours in the garage, and then…

“I was scared.”

“Scared of…”

“I don’t know,” you swallow dryly, “he saw me and it scared me.”

“He?”

“Uh, A-A-Andy,” you stutter out, “I was in the bath…”

“Ah,” he lets out an enlightened breath, “got it.”

You hide behind your hand. You sniffle, fighting against the lump in your throat. You remember it now; the mortification, the disgust in yourself.

“Why did it scare you?” He pushes away from the desk and grabs the small leather ottoman from before the matching chair. He brings it over and sits close to you.

You shake your head. You rock as you drop your hands into your lap and pick at your sleeve. You chew on your words.

“Do you know why it scared you?”

You open and close your hands, you curl your shoulders and wiggle your left foot.

“How about we come back to that. Let’s back up. I wanna talk about you. Just you. Tell me about yourself.”

“Like what?” You wisp.

He slides the pen back into the loop and stands to place the tablet on the round table about a foot away from your seat. He sits back down, his legs bent high as he perches on the low ottoman. He twines his fingers together.

“I’m Steve, I opened this practice about seven years ago. I have a cat who hates me and I run to let off steam. When I’m stressed, I have a little extra for dinner,” he says, “now, you go.”

You raise your eyes and meet his. You feel like you could melt then and there. He looks at you so intently, as if he can read you clearly. You clamp your lips shut for a moment, trying to come up with anything interesting about yourself. You say your name and pause.

“... and I… I like to paint.”

He nods, watching expectantly. You shrug.

“That’s it,” you insist.

He chuckles, “that isn’t it, but you’ll figure that out.”

#andy barber #dark andy barber #dark!andy barber #andy barber x reader #fic #dark fic #dark!fic #au #library au #series #don't speak #defending jacob

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glamoureddreamer · 2 years ago

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I don’t deserve it

Undertale (Bad sans poly)

Warnings: eating disorders, mention of anorexia, bulimia, self harm, blood and vomiting mention (please let me know if I’ve missed anything)

If you or a loved one is in need of help in anyway please get help from one of the multiple help hotlines. You matter and you deserve help. Thank you everyone, have a great day and know it gets better <3

Cross stared down at his plate with disgust though he didn’t let it show.

For two reasons the first was Horror was sensitive about food and the second was Nightmare was starting to become suspicious.

Cross has seen the way Nightmare has eyed him every time they were eating, ever since Horror pointed out he hasn’t seen Cross eat in a week.

It was much longer than a week but Cross told a simple lie and would eat a few meals-puke them up then that would be the end of it. But now sitting down knowing he was about to eat made him feel sick.

Cross picked up his fork and slowly brought the fork up to his teeth, he was hyper-aware of the guardian of negativity staring at him.

He took one bite and it was amazing he started shoveling food into his mouth. Nightmare seemed pleased and began to eat his food himself.

“Stars…look at him go.” Killer laughed, a tentacle raised and smacked him beside the head. Nightmare glared at him for a moment before his gaze fell on Cross again.

Cross leaned back once he was done and pushed his empty plate away. He was the first one done which was surprising since usually Horror was the first one done.

For a few minutes, everything was okay then Cross began to feel guilty and wrong. He felt like he didn’t deserve any of this, they were being too kind to him, for what he had done.

Nightmare immediately took notice of this emotion.

“May I be excused now?” Cross asked kindly, Nightmare eyed him for a moment before nodding.

“Yes you may,” Cross nodded pushing his chair out before standing up. He sets his plate in the sink and heads towards the hall when Killer stops him.

“Wait!- Criss Cross.” Cross stops and looks at Killer in confusion.

“We have movie night tonight if you wanna join us and not be boring.” Cross nodded.

“I’ll consider it.” He said before heading to his room.

Cross shuts his down behind him and then dropped his calm happy exterior, he went into panic mode running to his bathroom immediately.

He quickly dropped to his knees and formed his body. He used two of his fingers and shoved them down his throat, making him gag harshly. But he wasn’t puking normally it only took a few tries.

He began to shove his fingers deeper and at a faster rate, he gagged harder. Cross leaned over finally feeling something about to come out, but much to his disappointment it was only a bit of blood and salvia.

He needed to get rid of all the contents in his body, he whimpered. His throat hurt, he felt wrong and bad.

But much to his relief after a few more times he began to puke. Cross quickly grabbed the edge of the toilet bowl and started to retch.

He coughed and puked all of his dinner up and with each purge, he felt slightly better. He panted heavily and shakily wipes the tears that gathered in his socket.

Cross whimpered looking into the toilet after he was done, it wasn’t all out yet. He quickly shoved his fingers back down his throat trying to force himself to puke again, he only needed to throw up a little more.

Right as he was about to puke again someone pulled his hand away. Cross jumped and tried to pull his hand back.

“Let g-go.” Cross whimpered fresh tears dripping off his face. Someone pulled him into a hug while someone else held his hand, and strangely he felt someone slimy on top of his head.

The monster who was hugging him was practically crushing him while whispering for him to stop and how he needed food.

“Cross you need to relax and breath okay?” He didn’t even realize he began to panic. He tried to squirm out of the monster's grip.

“No, please… I don’t deserve this.” But no matter how hard he tried to pull away the monster's grip was much stronger.

“Deserve what Cross?” That was definitely Nightmare’s voice, but he felt slightly far away. So who was holding him?

“D-don’t be kind to me,” Cross whispered before sobbing hardly into the monster's jacket.

Someone rubbed his back until he cried everything out and was just relaxing against the monster's tight grip.

He had found out that Nightmare stood from the doorway, using a tentacle to relax him, while Horror was hugging him tightly. Dust was sitting next to Horror making sure both skeletons were okay and Killer was holding his hand, rubbing the back gently.

“I hope you understand Cross that we will not be dismissing this.” Nightmare said as Cross was helped up by Killer. Cross nodded sadly looking down at his feet.

“However, it is obvious that you are tired and most likely require some time before talking about it. So you will join us for movie night and we will discuss it in the morning.” Cross looked up confused but before he could form a question Horror picked him up.

“Gentle Horror,” Dust stated quietly, Horror grunted in response and walked across to the living room before plopping on the couch.

Horror nuzzled just face in between the crook of his neck.

The others joined all of them making sure to be touching Cross in some way. It felt nice, he felt loved.

Almost like he’d be okay. Cross smiled and relaxed.

#undertale #undertale au #undertale alternate universe #nightmare gang #bad sanses #bad sans gang #bad sans poly #cross sans #horror sans #dust sans #killer sans #nightmare sans #xtale #underverse #horrortale #dusttale #killertale #dreamtale

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oosahwtf · 7 months ago

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After a 6 month hiatus from reading I have finally returned with the novel Juniper and Thorn by Ava Reid. My friend @zxromance and I recently started doing a book club to help me get back into reading and writing more and Juniper and Thorn was the first book I chose. That being said, many of the thoughts and opinions I share in this report are taken from the notes and discussion between @zxromance and I so I would like to credit him for his contribution to my overall take away from this novel. Before I get into it I would also like to state THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS in this report and if you read the description of this novel and think it’s something you might be interested in reading please read the novel and come back to this.

Juniper and Thorn by Ava Reid is a gothic horror fantasy novel that is a retelling of The Juniper Tree from Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I would like to mention there are trigger warnings on this book for child S.A., S.A., cannibalism, self mutilation, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, child abuse, abuse, and general body horror. I will say, when I saw those trigger warnings I was nearly scared off from reading this book all together but I believe the author handled these topics gracefully and it was a pretty easy read all things considered. I did struggle a bit in the beginning with not understanding what a lot of the words meant, as to be expected in a fantasy novel, but with a little bit of googling it was a much smoother read after the first couple of chapters.

I think one of my favorite aspects of this book that I kept coming back to is how perfectly it captures the cycle of abuse and how it affects people's behaviors and decisions. One example of this is how Marlinchen keeps returning to her father instead of just leaving. I know as a survivor of abuse that this is so common to return to these situations out of comfort and fear of the unknown, especially if this is all you’ve ever known. Marlinchen is also so scared of her abuser that she believes he has a lot more power over her than he actually does. You see this when she believes that he can make these potions that he isn’t actually capable of creating and he threatens her with a lot of things he never actually does. It is common once you escape abuse that you realize how small your abuser actually is. Another example of how well this novel shows abuse is the relationship between Sevastyan and Derukach. Not only is there sexual abuse but also financial abuse. Their relationship also shows how abusers put up the facade of kindness when met with the possibility of their victim leaving the situation. This is also shown of course between Marlinchen and her father when she returns after running away. I think another very accurate and important way that this novel depicts abuse is through Marlinchen’s sisters. Both Undine and Rosenrot were insufferable yet their characters showed perfectly the effects that the cycle of abuse has on people. They were both doing what they could do to survive and their negative behaviors were learned behaviors from their abuser, which is how the cycle of abuse is so often continued. Overall, I love how well written and accurate this part of the book is. It seems to be most of my book report but it is a consistent and constant theme in this novel.

Now since I got through the darker topics I’m going to get into my lighter hearted thoughts about the novel. Why is Marlinchen falling in love with this man immediately when all he’s done is look pretty and be an alcoholic? Because it’s a fairy tale of course. Honestly as someone who got married after knowing someone for a month when I was 18, super relatable content. It’s definitely accurate behavior for someone who is just now going out and experiencing the world and love for the first time. I would also like to add that against my will for this entire novel I could only picture Marlinchen as Taissa Farmiga in American Horror Story season one and Sevastyan as early 20s Tom Felton. A couple things that irked me through this whole novel were how often Marlinchen calls herself ugly and how annoying Sevastyan’s flirting was. I will say Marlinchen’s body image issues were very accurate to how someone’s brain would work when being abused this heavily but I got very tired of her being like “but I’m ugly” all the time. Sevastyan’s behavior was honestly just time period appropriate but still annoying. Their sex scene on broken glass was kinky enough that I’ll let all of that slide.

Overall, an amazing novel and so much more than I was expecting out of a fantasy novel honestly.

#bookblr #books and novels #novels #reading #fantasy #horror #gothic #novel #horror fantasy #gardening #dark fantasy #gothic horror #horror books #juniper and thorn #ava reid #book club #book report #book review #grimm fairy tales

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storiesbyrhi · 2 years ago

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Angel of the First Degree - Chapter 4: Starcourt

Eddie Munson x Chubby & Inexperienced!Reader 4322 words A sneak peek at what to expect from this fic here

Previous Chapters: 1 - Valium; 2 - Carrie; 3: Honey

Warnings: Anxiety; fatphobia including internalised; drug use; bullying; body issues; discussion of body function and fluids; period shame/stigma; disclosure of sexual assault (chapter 2); disordered eating and thoughts of food; shitty/abusive/critical parents; no beta; warnings updated each chapter

Synopsis: When Eddie Munson finds you in the midst of a panic attack, it is the beginning of something. A fic featuring body and sex positivity, Eddie in a dress, soft small moments, scary big truths, and all the usual special feelings you’d expect from one of my stories.

Chapter Summary: Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gift giving. Physical Touch. All the languages of love are here and accounted for.

When you were in Eddie’s room, it was like there was no line between where your body ended and the universe began. You were at peace, not monitoring yourself and your body for a million and one inconsequential things.

How do the rolls of my belly look like this? Was that a dumb thing to say? Is there snot in my nose? How much space am I taking up? Is my armpit hair peaking out? Did that laugh sound weird? Should I have shaved my legs?

You just existed in the moment, and the moment was always, completely… Eddie.

Eddie learning to play Metallica songs while you drew pictures of monsters the lyrics made you think of; he stuck them all on his wall with push pins, a collage of your creations growing. Eddie getting high while you watched, instructing him to put his head in your lap, close his eyes, and let you braid his hair. Eddie practicing for the new Hellfire campaign, bouncing around the room doing voices and movements different from his own. Eddie holding out grabby hands to you, begging for cuddles while you watched horror movies until curfew.

It was easy to lose whole days in that room, and you let it happen regularly and happily. It was significantly better than being at your house, where your parents were growing angrier at your distance from them, which they wrongly assumed also meant your grades were slipping.

“That is… Drumroll, please,” Eddie said in his best game show host voice. You drummed your pencils on the kitchen bench of his trailer. “CORRRRRECT! She’s done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The perfect test score!”

Eddie made every practice test like that. Fun. Engaging. Memorable. It anchored your learning to semantic memory. The more time you spent with Eddie, your already good grades were getting even better.

He read your essays, adding tips from when he’d been in that class. Just because he had failed didn’t mean he was dumb. He knew what the teachers wanted; he just lacked the motivation to give it to them. He got you from an A- to an A+ in English, his creative flair helping to give all your pieces that extra special thing teachers loved.

Your parents didn’t want to hear about it though. They barely tolerated hearing Eddie’s name at all. Any evidence that disproved their preconceived idea of him was banned from conversation. Things were becoming tenser with them, which meant you spent more time at Eddie’s, which continued the cycle of shitty parenting and avoidant behaviour.

None of it mattered when you were alone with Eddie.

When you walked side by side, he would lace his fingers between yours or wrap an arm around your shoulder. At the cafeteria table, Eddie’s leg would hook around your ankle. Sometimes he’d reach out and tap on your fingernails like he was playing the piano. Best though, was always going to be being together in that bedroom.

Sitting on his bed, he’d pull your legs over his and hold them. When you sat at his dresser doing school work, he’d sit at your feet and lean against the chair just to be close. The melodies he played then were always soft and always came from his acoustic guitar.

When you got sleepy, he’d tell you to nap, then hold you close as a big spoon should. He was careful where he placed his hands, knowing it would take one wrong move to make your self-consciousness snap back in an instant. So, he’d often just hold his arms off you a little bit and twinkle his fingers, his mute way of telling you to put him where you wanted him.

Eddie kept an eye on the time, never letting you be late for curfew because he knew the wrath it would result in. Even when you protested, even when he had to wake you up, and even when you tried to hide tears, he would usher you out to his van and take you home, feeling like shit the entire way.

Eddie wanted you to fall asleep in his bed and not have to wake until morning.

He wanted you to look in the mirror and see what he saw.

The thing he couldn’t stop thinking about though, the thing he couldn’t help picturing all fucking day, was kissing you.

When your focus was elsewhere, he’d study your lips. The cupid bow. The way you sucked your bottom lip in when you were anxious or concentrating. The lip balm you used that was meant to be unscented but he swore was vanillary.

He was a man possessed by a singular thought and it was getting ridiculously distracting. He wanted you to be ready but he wouldn’t know when that was unless he asked you. So, that’s what he’d do. Eddie decided on a course of action and plotted it out in his mind, all while watching you politely listen to Dustin and Mike try to convince you that their respective girlfriends were better than the other’s.

“Um… They both sound really cool,” you offered.

“No, but El is like, a superhero,” Mike repeated for the sixth time.

“Nobody knows what that means,” Gareth said from across the table.

“Suzie has long curly hair, huh? Huh?” Dustin said, elbowing you like you’d know what that was code for. You just shrugged at him. “You love people with long curly hair!” Dustin clarified, annoyed that he had to spell it out. He pointed at Eddie, who was lost in his own ‘I’m gonna kiss her so much’ plans.

You looked over your shoulder at Eddie, smiled at the far-off expression on his face, then turned back to the freshmen. “I just… don’t really… want to compare girls like that. Can’t they both just be the best?”

Dustin groaned and Mike pushed his lunch tray away dramatically.

“They’re probably not the best,” Gareth said, making the freshmen freeze and glare. “I mean, what kind of girls would date you losers?”

A trail mix and potato-tot fight ensued.

…

Starcourt Mall 2.0 was not the destination you expected to arrive at. Looking over at Eddie, you cocked your head in confusion.

“Trust me,” he said.

“You literally were going on about how you’re glad it burnt down the other day,” you reminded him. There was a speech about how all the shops in the mall were part of the man’s plan to make everyone look the same. Dress the same. Eat the same. While Eddie didn’t walk on tables to make his point, it was all very dramatic.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but it got me thinking. They rebuilt, so maybe, you know, different stores,”

“Okay, that’s… fair…”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Eddie said. “I promised a special date and now we’re at the mall. But-”

“Trust you?” you finished for him.

Eddie grinned and nodded. He jumped from the van and came to open your door, something he did religiously. Sometimes he’d say an accompanying ‘my lady,’ or just bow at your service.

As you walked through the mall hand-in-hand with Eddie, you took stock of how the mall had changed. Before the fire, you’d go there all the time. When you were with other cheerleaders, the group of you were a force to be reckoned with. People would scatter out of the way, afraid of being targeted by way too cool teenage girls. It was more about being there and being seen, rather than the act of consumerism. Although, new lipstick and dresses were often purchased, and often at the command of Hayley.

You didn’t miss that, but as you walked by the book store, you remembered quiet Sunday afternoons with Chrissy. Picking out romance novels and giggling over pages when they got steamy. Sometimes you missed her, but required to pick between you and the rest of the cheer squad, Chrissy chose the path of least resistance.

“So, I don’t think you were listening, had your head buried in Pet Sematary-”

“It’s really good!” you chimed in.

Eddie smiled. “I thought you’d like it. But the other day, when Wheeler was talking about his kid sister, you weren’t paying attention?” He waited for you to confirm, which you did. “Good, so, he said his mum made him take her here. I know it’s like, for kids, but it’s kind of fucked up when you think about it. And it’s cute. So I thought it was, I don’t know, representative… Of us,”

“We’re… cute and fucked up?” you asked, trying to figure out what the hell he could be talking about.

“Yeah. Basically. Um, and I checked, you know, that we could do it. That it wasn’t literally only for children,”

“That we could do what?”

Your question was timed perfectly as you walked around a corner and arrived at a brightly lit store with rainbow colours painted on the walls.

“Build a bear!” Eddie announced.

The shop was more of a one-room workshop. To the right was a wall of soft toys, teddies and cats and puppies and some creatures you didn’t recognise. Below them were bins full of, well, the skins of the soft toys. You watched a kid pick one up and take it over to a girl sitting at a big machine full of fluffy teddy stuffing. The stuffing was rolling around in the machine, warm and alive.

“I’m gonna name mine Angel,” Eddie said, pulling you into the store.

“You’re right… This is kind of fucked up,” you mused, holding the skin of a brown highland cow teddy in your hands.

Eddie nodded, making a half giggle half snort sound as he pulled a baby pink and horrifically hollow cat out of a bin.

“Hi! Welcome to Build-a-Bear. My name is Kasey and I’ll be your bear builder today. Have you chosen a pawsome friend to join your family?!”

Kasey was full of pep on the outside but you figured she was probably dying on the inside. Maybe that’s why she was at your sides so quickly – any chance to serve someone other than a screaming six-year-old.

“You don’t have to… like… do the whole thing,” you said to her.

Kasey shrugged. “It’s honestly easier than trying to have a genuine conversation every time. I used to work at McDonalds. This is way better,”

“But no free fries,” Eddie joked.

Kasey looked at him with the dead-eyed vacant expression of a retail worker. “There were no free fries. Anyway, that your pick?” she asked him, pointing to the pink cat. Eddie nodded. “And you’ve got Longhorn?”

“That’s his name?” you asked, looking at the dead cow in your hands.

“They’re all Longhorn, until you know, you name it,” she answered, leading you to the stuffing machine. “We’ll fill them up then you can put whatever you want in there.”

Eddie had his cat filled firmly, so she would sit in a cute pose on one of his guitar amps. Yours was much more soft, floppy and cuddly in your arms.

“These are their hearts,” Kasey said, handing you each a small red pillowed heart. “Next, we do the Build-a-Bear heart ceremony. Shake it up in your palms to bring them to life. Rub their hearts on your forehead so the bears will be smart.”

You weren’t sure if she was serious, but Eddie was already smooshing the heart into his head, so you copied him.

“Rub your cheeks, so the bears will be cheeky. And on your back, so they'll always have your back. Lastly, over your hearts, so they’ll be full of love. Now they’re ready. Put them inside,”

“Wait. Here. Have mine,” Eddie said, pushing his heart into the open stitching of your cow.

“Then here,” you replied, gifting his cat your heart.

Kasey pulled at the threading of the teddies and sewed them close. She directed you to where you could pick an outfit for them.

“Holy shit. These bears have better career options than me,”

“I don’t see a rockstar outfit though,” you said looking at the uniforms and clothing on offer. You walked away from Eddie to where you spotted a tiny leather jacket.

When you reconvened at the counter, Eddie’s cat was dressed in a denim jacket, much like the one you were wearing. He grinned at your own choice, taking it and making it kiss the cat.

“Oh my god,” you squealed, snatching the toys from Eddie.

You put the bears on the counter, and let Eddie pay for them.

“You get a birth certificate,” the woman at the counter said. She pulled two pre-printed pieces of paper out and handed you both a pen.

You watched Eddie write ‘Angel’ in his best handwriting in the blank space on his certificate.

Looking down at your own, you thought. Obviously, you had chosen the highland cow for his messy mop of hair and big brown eyes, but you didn’t really want to name him Eddie. With no other nicknames, you had to brainstorm quickly. ‘Hellfire’ seemed fitting, and when you glanced at Eddie, the smile on his face was all the reassurance you needed.

Eddie thanked the bear builders and handed you Hellfire while putting Angel under his arm. “I’m hungry,” he said, taking your free hand and walking from the store.

Eddie had learned not to politely ask ‘are you hungry’ or ‘do you want something to eat’ because you would always say no. If he hid his care for you under a cloak of his own needs, you’d usually follow his lead. His second trick was dubbed sharing is caring.

“Do you wanna share some nachos?”

“Yeah, ‘kay,” you replied, sitting at the food court table Eddie had placed Angel on.

“You look after the children,” he said with a shameless smile.

Alone in the middle of a place that used to mean something so different to you, you felt strange. Kind of spacey. By the time Eddie returned, the biggest plate of nachos you had ever seen put on the table, you were zoned out.

“I got extra guacamole. ‘Cause you love avocado,” he told you. Eddie hated avocado, so he rotated the plate so the green was closer to you. “Hey. You okay?” he asked, his eyes scanning your expression, then the food court.

“Yeah. Just thinking,”

“Good stuff?”

Nodding, you replied, “Yeah.”

You used the plastic fork to eat a solid portion of the food. Eddie used his hands and went through a pile of napkins. You accepted his offer to share his milkshake, and you let him down half your Dr Pepper in return.

“You’re quiet,” he said as you made your way back through Starcourt to the parking lot.

“I know… I'm okay though,”

“What’s happening? Up here?” Eddie motioned to his own head, kind of circling it like he was drawing a halo.

“Uh… I don’t really… know. It’s weird. I’m like… A bit spaced out. But in a good way? I’m not really thinking anything.”

Eddie thought for a second. “I don’t wanna alarm you, but could you possibly be just… you know, happy?”

“Eddie. I’m happy a lot,” you said defensively enough that he knew he was on to something.

“Yeah, I know, but like, maybe you’re just... really here. Right now. In this minute.”

Eddie stopped at your side of the van and held your hand as you stepped up into the passenger seat. You took Angel from him, hugging her and Hellfire to you.

Your nose tingled and tears pricked at the sides of your eyes. Eddie stepped closer, the height difference between you removed by your seated position. You sat back a little and watched him look at you carefully. He was waiting for you to say something, but you couldn’t. Words would get stuck behind the lump in your throat.

A small nod was all you could offer, but for Eddie, it was poetry in motion.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

The food in your stomach flipped and your teeth clenched together with anxiety. You were entirely freaked out, but you had never wanted something so desperately before. Again, all you could do was nod. He asked if you were sure. Somehow, you managed to squeak out, “Yes.”

Eddie carefully closed the gap between you, pushing his forehead against yours. Your eyes closed immediately and you took a sharp breath in. Eddie ran his nose along yours, waited for you to breathe out, then gently pressed his lips to yours. Before you could think to move, his lips were gone, but he hadn’t moved away.

Eddie’s hands came to cup your face. He kissed you again, lingering a little longer to let you catch up. You kissed back. It was awkward and sweet and you didn’t know what to do because the only other time you’d been that close to someone was a drunk Andy, who mostly just mashed his teeth to yours and tried to make you swallow his tongue.

This was nothing like that.

“You good?” Eddie asked, not moving away from you.

“Yeah,” you replied, staying still in his hands.

Eddie kissed you, letting you grow a tiny bit bolder, parting your lips against his and waiting for him to do the same. Although you were still a burning ball of nerves, there was something almost second nature about kissing Eddie. It wasn’t that you knew exactly what to do, but you knew whatever you did, it would be right. You couldn’t fuck it up.

“Can we go home?” you asked after the fourth and fifth kiss.

“Yeah, Angel. Let’s go home.”

Letting go of you and stepping back made Eddie ache in a way he’d never felt. He knew it was a love-adjacent feeling, so he didn’t fight it.

On the ride home, you held Angel and Hellfire and tried to not giggle madly.

…

“I’m serious, Ed, this is not bad at all,” Wayne said, looking in disbelief at the bowl of butterscotch pudding in front of him.

“It’s just sugar and flour,” Eddie dismissed.

10:00 pm was fast approaching and Wayne was due to leave for his night shift at work. Eddie, bored and caught up on homework, found an old recipe book shoved in the back of a kitchen cabinet when he was looking for something sweet. He followed the instructions and produced a more than decent pudding while Wayne woke and got ready.

They ate the dessert together, then Wayne bid his nephew goodnight.

It was a Wednesday night, the week after Build-a-Bear Saturday. You’d spent the rest of the day together in Eddie’s room, figuring out how to kiss each other in a way that would make your knees wobbly and Eddie’s entire body go rigid.

Every moment without you since then was torture. Monday’s classes sucked. Tuesday’s classes sucked. That day’s classes, yep, sucked. Making the pudding was really a welcomed distraction.

“Alright,” Eddie said to himself after ten minutes had gone by and he was still sitting at the kitchen bench staring off into space. He got up and moved the dishes into the sink. He looked at them and they looked back.

The phone rang. Eddie was thrilled. He could pretend the call made him forget to do the dishes.

“Greetings and salutations. You have reached the Munson residence. How may I direct your call?” he answered. Eddie knew the sound of your crying too well. The small sniffles on the other end of the line made all the joy evaporate from him. “Angel? Baby, what’s wrong?”

Standing in a phone booth a couple of blocks from your house, you started to really cry. Of course, he’d know it’s you without you even having to speak.

Eddie let you cry for less than a minute before coaching you through some deep breaths. He said your name a couple of times, then asked where you were. He told you to walk another block over, to where there was an all-night liquor place, and wait for him there.

The guy behind the counter at Hot Shot Liquor watched you sit on the curb outside the store and curl up into yourself. He was going to go out and ask if you needed help, but decided it was none of his business.

As soon as you saw Eddie’s van come around the corner, you were up. He tore out of the driver’s seat and held you tightly when you threw yourself into his arms.

“You’re okay. S’alright. I got you,” he whispered, repeating himself with small changes to sentence structure and word order.

When he felt like you could stand on your own two feet, Eddie pulled away from you just enough to see your face. He put his hands in the sleeves of the Anthrax hoodie he was wearing and wiped your face free from tears, snot, and spit.

“Let’s go home, yeah?”

You nodded, looking at him through clumped-together eyelashes.

Eddie held your sad face in his hands and studied you for a second before leaning in and kissing you gently. Immediately, you kissed him back, deepening the kiss and adding a needy intensity that Eddie embraced in full.

You had thought kissing was a nice thing. It was about romance and fluffy feelings. But standing under a flickering neon 24/7 Liquor sign, cold and scared, you found out that kissing was now a necessity. You needed it. You needed to feel Eddie’s mouth against yours. You needed to feel like he wanted you like you wanted him. It was about romance, sure, but a feral kind of romance.

“Come on,” Eddie whispered when you both came up for air, his hands still holding you. You nodded into him but made no attempt to move.

He held you for a few more moments, then walked you around the van and helped you up. For the entire drive, he let you keep one of his hands between yours, not letting go to turn corners or park.

Eddie was back at your door to lead you inside. The trailer was warm and smelt good, that was all you really registered. Eddie pulled you along into his room, where you sat on the edge of his bed. He knelt in front of you.

“What do-” Eddie stopped mid-sentence to change his approach. “Do you know what you need? Or what you’d like?”

You looked at him, your eyes still filled with tears. Although you tried to think, tried to help him help you, your mind was all static and emotion. The best you could do was shrug, which you felt dumb and useless for but it was truly all you could do.

“That’s okay. Um, how ‘bout…” Eddie was thinking, his eyes darting around his room for inspiration. He remembered then; he had a surprise for you. Something special in his stockpile of gifts. “Do you want to change into something more comfy?”

Eddie stood and made his way over to where clothes were shoved haphazardly into a set of drawers. You watched him, hoping he wasn’t going to try to offer you any of his own wardrobe. Your cup size alone meant none of Eddie’s t-shirts would fit. If you thought of the size of his thighs compared to yours, you’d vomit.

“Because it just so happens that I got something for you,” Eddie said, his back still to you. “Has to be a secret though. The guys are so fuckin’ precious about the goddamn shirts, if they know I’ve given you one, they’ll lose it.”

Eddie turned around and held up a Hellfire shirt, the same as his, but in your size. Actually, maybe two sizes bigger.

“Figured you’d just wear it here, maybe for when we have our Saturday siestas, or whatever. Whatever you want,” he explained as he handed it to you. “I got it made bigger so it would be extra comfy.”

Your brain was short-circuiting.

Your silence was terrifying Eddie. Wayne had warned him that getting clothes for you would be risky. It involved guessing your size, which Eddie knew was a particular insecurity you had. Had he fucked up?

Eddie crossed his arms across his chest as he waited. Still, silence. He moved one of his hands to his face so he could chew on his fingernails.

“If it’s stupid-”

“It’s not stupid!” you almost yelled, cutting off Eddie. As you spoke you stood, too excited to be self-conscious. You moved to be in front of Eddie’s mirror, threw off the jacket and t-shirt you were wearing, quickly replacing it with the Hellfire shirt.

It fit exactly how you’d want it to and it smelled like Eddie. How long had he been keeping it hidden away in those drawers?

You felt different. It’s like the shirt was magic. Somehow, you didn’t fucking hate your reflection, even with the puffy eyes and messy hair. You kicked off your shoes and decided to go all in, unzipping and pulling off your jeans before you could think about it too much.

Eddie watched all of this in awe. He watched you look at yourself and smile. It was a proper smile. You looked at him then and he swore to god he was going to love you forever. He was going to fucking burst if he didn’t tell you.

“I love you,” he said, the words falling quickly from his mouth.

“I love you too,” you replied. It’s the easiest thing you’d ever said.

After warmed up butterscotch pudding and a debrief about how your parents had crossed the line between controlling and cruel, you cuddled up in Eddie’s bed. The radio was on in the background, turned down enough to be ambient more than clearly audible.

“This okay?” he whispered, his fingers ghosting down your back and along your bare thighs. You nod into him, pressed a kiss to his collarbone. It was more than okay.

Next Chapter - 5: Buzzkill

End Note: Build-a-Bear didn’t open until the late 90s, but I am pretending it was founded in like, 1985-ish, because how perfect was it?

As always, reblogs are king on Tumblr, and the only way content gets seen and shared. Comments and feedback make my entire fucking week.

Fic Taglist: @ajeff855 @b-barnes04 @eddie-munson-is-a-sweetheart @nerd-squad-headquarters @word-wytch @harrys-tittie

All Eddie x Reader By Me Taglist: @solomons-finest-rum @ruinedbythehobbit @munsonlives @sweetpeapod @depressooexxpressoo @thorfemmes @hawkins-high @corrodedhawkins @grungegrrrl

#Mine #Eddie Munson #Eddie Munson Fanfic #Eddie Munson Fanfiction #Eddie Munson/Reader #Eddie Munson/You #Eddie Munson x Reader #Eddie Munson x You

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wickwrites · 4 years ago

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Wonder Egg Priority Episode 4: Boys’ and Girls’ Suicides Do Mean Different Things (But Not in the Way the Mannequins Want You to Think!)

So, let’s talk about this for a second. After I got over my initial knee-jerk reaction, I realized I wasn’t sure how to make sense of exactly what the mannequins were arguing for here. So let me rephrase their statements to make the argumentative structure more explicit: Because men are goal-oriented and women are not, because women are emotion-oriented and men are not, and because women are impulsive and easily influenced by others’ voices and men are not, boys’ and girls’ suicides mean different things – girls are more easily “tempted” by death, and therefore, more likely to require saving when they inevitably regret their suicide. While Wonder Egg Priority, so far, seems to agree with the vague version of the mannequins’ conclusion, namely that boys’ and girl’s suicides mean different things, it refutes the gender-essentialist logic through which that conclusion was derived.

The mannequins choose a decidedly gender essentialist approach in explaining the difference between girls’ and boy’s suicides; they argue that the suicides are different because of some immutable characteristic of their mental hard wiring (in this case, impulsivity, emotionality, and influenceability). Obviously, this is a load of bull, and Wonder Egg Priority knows it. The mannequins are not exactly characters we’re supposed to trust, seeing that they’re running a business that is literally based on letting these kids put themselves in mortal danger. As faceless adult men, they parrot and possibly represent the systems that force these girls to continue to be subjected to physical and emotional trauma (it’s probably more complicated than this, but four episodes in, it’s hard to say more). So, we’re probably supposed to take what they say with great skepticism. Also, the director, Shin Wakabayashi, has recently said that in response to these lines, Neiru was originally going to object, “When it comes to their brains, boys and girls are also the same,” (which unfortunately is not exactly true and is somewhat of an oversimplification, but the sentiment is there). While that line ultimately did not make it in, Neiru does reply with a confused and somewhat indignant, “What?!”, a reaction that gets the message across. Neiru is not a fan of gender essentialism, and as a (more) sympathetic character, we’re supposed to agree with her.

That is, the differences between boys and girls is not something inherent to their biology or character, but something constructed by culture and experience. This rejection of gender-essentialism is apparent in Wonder Egg Priority’s narrative, which takes a more sociocultural perspective on the difference between boys’ and girls’ suicides. It says, well of course boys’ and and girl’s suicides don’t mean the same thing, that’s the whole reason why we’re delving into the experiences specific to being a girl (cis or trans) or AFAB in this world – to show you how girls’ suicides are influenced by systems of oppression perpetuated by those in power (ie. the adult, in this specific anime).

And all the suicides we’ve seen up until now tie into that somehow. For instance, Koito is bullied by her female classmates who think that Sawaki is giving her special treatment. This is a narrative that comes up over and over again, in real life as well: that if a young girl is being given attention from an older man, then it’s her fault – that she must want it, or at least enjoy it somehow, and that it signifies a virtue (eg. maturity or beauty) on her part. And if Koito is actually being given such treatment by Sawaki, an adult man in a position of power over her, that is incredibly predatory.

And we all know that child sexual abuse is something that overwhelmingly affects girls, with one out of nine experiencing it before the age of 18, as opposed to one out of 53 boys (Finkelhor et al., 2014). Regardless of whether Sawaki was actually abusing Koito or if the students only thought that he was, Koito’s trauma is ultimately the result of this romanticized “love between a young girl and adult man, but not because the man is predatory, but because the girl has some enviable virtue that makes her desirable” narrative. Similarly, in episode 2, Minami’s suicide is driven by ideas related to discipline and body image in sports, which while not necessarily specific to female and AFAB athletes, is framed in an AFAB-specific way. For instance, take the pressure on Minami to “maintain her figure”. Certainly, male athletes also face a similar pressure, but we know that AFAB and (cis and trans) female bodies are subject to closer scrutiny and criticism. We know that young girls are more likely to suffer from eating disorders. And Wonder Egg Priority situates Minami’s experience as decidedly “about” AFAB experience when her coach accuses her change of figure due to her period as a character failing on her part.

Likewise, episode 3 delves into suicides related to “stan” culture, this fervent dedication to celebrities that is overwhelmingly associated to teenage girls. And Miwa’s story, in episode 4, explicitly shows how society responds to sexual assault. When Miwa does have the courage to speak up about her assault, she’s instantly reprimanded by basically everyone around her. Her father is fired because her abuser was an executive of his company. Her mother asks her why she couldn’t just bear with it, telling her that her abuser chose her because she was cute, as if that’s supposed to make her feel better about it. Wonder Egg Priority shows that this sort of abuse is a systemic problem, a set of rules and norms deeply engrained in a society and upheld by all adults, regardless of gender, social status, or closeness (to the victim). Wonder Egg Priority says that, yes, girls’ and boys’ suicides have different meanings, but it’s not due to some inherent difference between the two, but the hostile environment in which these girls grow up. Girls are not more easily “tempted” by death, they just have more societal bullshit to deal with.

But Wonder Egg Priority goes further than just showcasing how girls’ (and AFAB) experiences are shaped by sociocultural factors. The story also disproves the supposedly dichotomous characteristics that the mannequins use to differentiate girls and boys (i.e. influenceability/independence, impulsivity/deliberation, emotion-orientation/goal-orientation). If the mannequins are indeed correct, and that girls are just influenceable, impulsive, and emotional, you’d expect the girls in the story to be to be like such too. Except, they aren’t. Rather, they’re a mix of both/all characteristics. This show says that, certainly, girls can be suggestible, but they’re also capable of thinking for themselves. For instance, when Momoe asserts her own identity as a girl at the end of episode four, she rejects the words of those around her who insisted that she isn’t a girl. If she were as suggestible as the mannequins believe her to be, that would never have happened – she would have just continued believing that she wasn’t girl “enough”. But, she doesn’t because she is equally capable of making her own judgements. Likewise, Wonder Egg Priority shows that girls can be impulsive, but they can also be deliberate and pre-mediating. When Miwa tricks her Wonder Killer into groping her to create an opening for Momoe to defeat it, she’s not doing it out of impulse – it’s a pre-mediated and deliberate choice unto a goal. And Wonder Egg Priority continues, girls can be equally emotion oriented and goal oriented. Sure, the main girls are fighting because they have the goal of bringing their loved ones back to life, but those goals are motivated by a large range of emotions, from guilt to anger, grief, compassion, and love.

Being emotion-driven doesn’t mean you’re not goal-driven, and vice versa. In fact, in this case, being emotional drives these girls toward their goals. In other words, none of these traits that the mannequins listed are either “girl traits” or “boy traits”. Being one does not mean you can’t be the other, even if they seem dichotomous at first. Wonder Egg Priority’s diverse cast of multi-dimensional female characters allows it to undermine the mannequins’ conceptualization of gendered roles, refuting the idea that these (or any) character traits should be consider gendered at all.

As an underdeveloped side thought, I think Wonder Egg Priority’s blurring of gendered roles is also well-reflected in its style. There’s been a lot of talk about whether Wonder Egg Priority constitutes a magical girl series, and I think that’s an interesting question deserving of its own essay. Certainly, it does follow the basic formula of the magical girl story: a teenage heroine ensemble wielding magical weapons saves the day. But it also throws out a lot of the conventions you’d expect of a magical girl story – both aesthetically and narratively. Aesthetically, it’s probably missing the component that most would consider the thing that makes an anime a magical girl anime: the full body transformation sequence, complete with the sparkles and the costume and all that. Narratively, the girls are also not really magical girl protagonist material – they’ve got a fair share of flaws, have done some pretty awful things (looking at Kawai in particular; I still love you though), and aren’t exactly the endlessly self-sacrificing heroines you’d expect from a typical magical girl story. On the other hand, the anime also borrows a lot from shonen battle anime. We get these dynamic, well choreographed action sequences full of horror and gore, the focus on the importance of camaraderie between allies (or “nakama”, as shonen anime would call it) exemplified through all the bonding between the main girls during their downtime, and in the necessary co-operation to bring down the Wonder Killers. That said, this anime is not a shonen; the characters, types of conflicts, and themes are quite different from those that you’d find in a typical shonen. The bleeding together of the shonen genre and the magical girl genre, at the very least (and I say this because I think it does way more than just that), reflects Wonder Egg Priority’s interest in rebelling against conventional narratives about girlhood and gender.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg priority analysis #wep #w.writing #my writing #anime analysis #analysis #anime #w.analysis

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youarejesting · 4 years ago

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Mad

[MASTER LIST] Beta: @fluffy-fluffu Rating: 18+ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader x V Genre: SMUT, mature, angst, fluff, mystery, thriller Words: 4.9k WARNINGS & TRIGGERS: psych ward in a mental asylum from back in the 1920’s, misguided medical practices; Electroshock therapy etc. Multiple personality disorder/alter ego’s/Dissociative Identity Disorder, Sex, Dirty Talk, Masturbation, Fingering, Exhibitionism, Voyuerism, blow jobs, Yandere V. If you squint for a split second there is like a slight hesitation in the reader but they consent. Nurse sleeps with the patient. Sad boy Tae, Tae vs. V, Talks about cum, Restraints, Sedation.

Summary: Taehyung from room 10 on the ward is being haunted by V a mischievous sexual deviant. Taehyung likes puzzles and his friends which includes you. But V likes you, your hair, your face and the warmth between your thighs. It’s a fight between Taehyung and V who will win?

Authors note: This is in no way shape of form a diagnosis of DID or multiple personalities nor is it an accurate depiction of said mental disorders or illnesses. This is purely fictional. If you are triggered by old medical horror please don’t read. If you identify anything you think should be added to the warnings and triggers let me know so I can warn others.

“The patients on this ward are docile, they won’t hurt you” the nurse explained, smiling softly. It was your first day, you were a fresh new nurse and it was safe to say you were a little scared of your new working environment. “The only one we want you to look out for is um, the patient in room number 10”

“Number 10?” you repeated.

“Let me introduce you to some of them.” You had already met some, there was a group who thought they were kittens and puppies and it was adorable. “Hyuka, don’t scratch the mattress” the head nurse chided before guiding him to the bathroom.

You heard a noise from room 10. It sounded a lot like something fell. You walked over and quickly scanned over his chart. “Patient is manipulative, he can do whatever is needed to get what he wants, compulsive sexual behaviour, the patient has two prominent altering personalities, Taehyung and V. When the patient addresses himself as V it is best to leave.”

You unlocked the door, peering inside you saw him cuddling his pillow in deep slumber. He seemed to have knocked something off from the bedside table in his sleep. You sighed softly before walking over, trying not to wake him while doing so.

He had a beautiful face. It was honestly making you feel self conscious to be around him, you fought the urge to brush your hand through his soft curls and crouched down to pick the book up off the floor.

You stayed crouched whilst examining the book. It seemed to be a comic book you concluded, a famous one that you knew of. You moved to put it back to its original place. As you were about to stand you turned to the patient to see his eyes open, staring directly at you.

“Hello?” He yawned rubbing his eyes “I am Taehyung”

“Hello Taehyung, I was just picking up your book, how are you feeling this morning?”

“I’m tired, who are you?”

“I am the new nurse” you smiled as he sat up rubbing his hand over his arm casually scratching an itch.

“You are new, that’s exciting” he smiled sitting up properly on his hospital bed showing his impeccable manners “What’s your name?”

“My name is Nurse Y/L/N,” you said with a soft smile trying to appear friendly. From the hall you heard the head nurse call out.

“Kim Namjoon, please don’t try to escape this morning. We are about to serve breakfast okay? You know breakfast is important to fuel that big brain of yours, so sit back down while I will get you a book. How does that sound?”

You turned to look at the door which was still a fraction open, when a hand touched your hair. Your body went stiff, heart racing in fear. You had turned your back on him. One of the most important things to remember on your first day and you had to let him get the upper hand.

“Your hair is really pretty, I like the colour” he smiled and you turned, giving him a polite and gentle smile.

“Thank you Taehyung, you are so sweet” you smiled. “Are you hungry? I can bring your breakfast in, if you would like?”

“I have to shower first, I have a schedule; shower, breakfast and then I get to do some activities” he said

“Nurse y/n?” The head nurse said “is everything okay?”

“Yes of course Taehyung and I are just talking, he is telling me about his schedule” you smiled

“Well aren’t you nice this morning Taehyung,”

“Hello Taehyung, are you ready for your shower?'' the male nurse appeared at the door smiling. Stepping past you he uncuffed the patient's ankle chain that restrained him to the bed, there was raw skin where the metal dug into his flesh and some blood stains on the corner of the sheet.

“You must be the new nurse. I am Jihoon, a resident nurse on the ward, if you need any help, or there is something you're not comfortable with you can call me,” he grinned, shaking your hand. You thought you heard Taehyung scoff which made you blink up at him curiously. You shrugged it off thinking maybe it was all in your head.

“My name is Y/n,” you prompted yourself to move on, “it’s nice to meet you”

“Nurse Y/n, could you get some spare clothes and bring them back?” Jihoon asked softly, “Tae’s clothes are in the green cube on the shelf.”

You went along the corridor and found the cubed shelves. Each cube seemed to have a coloured basket, the green one had Kim Taehyung written on it. “Hello?” A voice called behind you, you turned to see two young men sitting playing cards at a table.

“Hello, my name is nurse y/n, What are your names?”

“My name is Hoseok” the man laughed

“And I am Jungkook-ah” the other said sweetly “we are roommates, will you sit with us at lunch?”

“I will have to see if I am allowed. I don’t want to get in trouble,” you grinned before waving and heading back to Taehyung’s room where you heard the sound of banter coming from the bathroom.

“You don’t want to miss breakfast,” Jihoon said standing in the doorway, keeping a lookout for any sudden movements. “Oh Y/n! Thanks, you can leave the clothes anywhere”

You took it upon yourself to make the bed and tried to disregard the blood and other intimate stains on the white sheets. You looked up and caught sight of Taehyung in the reflection of the mirror, he was watching you. His eyes were not wide with curiosity as you thought it would be, no rather they were hooded with something darker.

“Nurse Jihoon, I am almost finished with my shower” he moaned, still staring at your reflection, you saw how his arm shook and how his lips fell open in ecstasy. “I just have to finish this, it would be quicker if it wasn’t my own hand for a change”

Once the bed was made you ran off into the hall trying to ignore the sounds and clear the images from your head.

You helped serve breakfast and smiled sitting with the two young men from earlier. The nurse who showed you around had approved of the two boys, saying they were harmless. She did however have a bit of a laugh, “this one is Hoseok and that one isn’t Jungkook, his name is Jimin, they are roommates one has narcolepsy and the other is a pathological liar”

You sat down, talking with them about their card game and laughed at some of their jokes. Jimin promised you the world and told you sweet nothings. He even proposed to you several times, you concluded he was a shameless flirt.

“Hey Jiminie?” Taehyung said walking over, and brushing his fingers along Jimin's neck, “you want to play a game of cards?”

“I can't, I have to go to a photoshoot today.” He said before standing up, “I should get ready.”

“What a shame, maybe next time?” He smirked. The boy across the table started to draw frantically. You looked over and saw it was a general shape and the clothes and hair were that of Taehyungs but the face was distorted. You hummed at the boy's work.

“Nurse, the young ones are going to play outside.” The head nurse in charge of this ward announced, eyeing Taehyung carefully. “Would you be so kind as to watch over them? Please make sure they don’t eat anything strange.”

“Of course. I will be back in a little while,” You told the boys, they were so cute, it was like playing make believe but there was no turning it off. They really thought they were cats and dogs and you loved them already despite it only being your first day. You wanted to protect them while they were in this headspace no matter what.

Looking up at the second floor of the hospital you saw Taehyung pressed against the glass looking down at you. He seemed to be angry at the fact that you were playing with the boys. You saw him get dragged away from the glass and you could not help but feel concerned, hoping he hadn’t gotten hurt.

You didn’t see him for the rest of the day he had been confined to his room and when you walked past all you could hear was crying and begging. You went to open the door but Jungkook, the silent patient grabbed your wrist gently. He handed you two sketches one was labeled Taehyung and it was him smiling and looking happy and genuinely adorable. The other was labeled V and it was the distorted picture from the morning. You flicked through the rest of the book and saw the others drawn, they looked a little different from real life but you knew who was who. The five young boys were drawn as cats and dogs making you smile.

The next day started a little differently, your shift started at lunch and you saw Taehyung sitting at the table looking forlorn, he was bandaged and looked weak. “They sedated him yesterday”,one of the nurses gossiped, “apparently he was trying to come onto one of the nurses working yesterday”

“I wish it was me, I would let him do whatever he wants,” Another nurse whispered back, you ignored them as you walked over and smiled “Good afternoon, how are you all feeling today?”

“Nurse y/n! You are here” Namjoon said, “Tell me, do you have any books to read at home?”

“I have a small bookshelf, why?”

“Well, I am bored and I would like some more books to read” He said and you hummed, “How about instead I tell you a story little by little so you have things to think about throughout the day?”

He reluctantly accepted and you started the story. There was a small giggle at one of the jokes made by Taehyung and you smiled, he looked so tired and soft in his little blanket, his wrists and ankles bandaged.

You were there for a while and the group began playing different card games, you had to explain some of the games and they picked up the concept quickly.

Taehyung left after a while, yawning while stating he was too tired to continue playing and the boys waved goodbye to him.

Jimin who just yesterday was afraid of him, walked him to his room, practically carrying Taehyung on his back while singing that they were soulmates.

It was odd because Taehyung didn’t seem that strange and when he did it wasn’t as extreme as people made it out to be. You had noticed Taehyung was a sweet boy, whilst V was just a little more forward and flirty.

Sure he still had his tendencies to do inappropriate things but you tried to ignore those moments and be professional at all times.

The problem was they began haunting you at night and you were finding it hard to keep your fantasies at bay. He was charming, flirty, and pleasing to the eye, could you really be blamed for being attracted to him?

The first time you met V and you mean really met V was when you were greeting him one morning and he sat there smirking at you.

“Hey there bad kitty, you want some milk?” He had his hand wrapped around his hard shaft. It was thick and the tip was an angry red, oozing out precum. “I want to give you all my milk, but you're a bad kitty and won’t take it”

You tried repressing the images from your head, squeezing your thighs together for some sort of friction, nothing has ever aroused you and made you this wet so quickly. Ignoring him as he jerked off on the bed you continued your act of nonchalance at his actions. You picked up his clothes off the floor and placed them in the wash basket.

You dodged his hand reaching out to grab you and he frowned before going back to his previous task. You cleaned his bedside table, he was becoming very vocal and more profoundly dirty as time went on. He had resorted to explaining everything about what he wanted to do to you in great detail.

Your underwear was soaked at this point and you were finding it hard to breath. You had to leave right then, you didn't know how long you could remain professional. You moved to pick up the book that had fallen off the bed, losing focus of your distance from the bed. You were briskly reminded when he took a firm grip of your hair.

Fuck.

You cursed at yourself, you made a huge mistake letting your guard down. Stupid stupid stupid. He pulled you up by your hair. “Open your mouth.” He growled as he came on your face. You watched him as his face contorted he growled and came hard as you kept your mouth firmly shut. When he finally finished he let go of your hair.

“You wasted my milk bad kitty” he huffed watching you clean your face in the sink before you promptly rushed out of his room.

Taehyung sat confused after breakfast. He took a puzzle and started working, “You okay Tae?”

“Oh hey, yeah I am just working on this puzzle, I am just a little confused” he smiled as the two of you sat and started working on the puzzle. It was a basket of kittens.

“This one looks like you” he laughed “you are a kitty”

The words and context were so innocent but you couldn’t help but remember what happened that morning and you glanced at the young man from the corner of your eye.

“What did he do?” Taehyung asked

“It was nothing you should be worried about” you smiled patting his head. “We should only worry about finishing this puzzle”

The night shift was different, you ate dinner with the residence and you all sat and watched a movie afterwards. It was a general audience movie with nothing bad in it.

Taehyung leant his head on your shoulder as everyone else including the other nurses sat watching the movie as well. The male nurse was sitting with the five young boys. They laid their heads in his laps and he gave them pets on their backs, trying to give all of them equal attention, otherwise one would whine and rub their heads into his arms.

The female nurse sat with Namjoon painstakingly discussing the movie instead of actually watching it. You and Taehyung were wrapped up in his blanket and you felt his hand start slithering down towards one of your thighs rubbing it tenderly. You glanced at him to see him smirking at you, “You’re such a bad kitty aren’t you?”

His hand slipped under your dress and into your underwear. His finger grazed your clit gently making you shift in your seat. Taehyung snickered as you bit back a moan, he moved inconspicuously a little closer and whispered in your ear. His voice was deep and barely audible, his breath brushing the shell of your ear.

“You are a bad kitty aren’t you?” He pressed his nose against your neck and inhaled deeply, “Bad kitty smells nice”

Your mouth fell open, a silent gasp escaping as he pushed a single digit inside of you, “Taehyung, stop” You warned him and he chuckled darkly.

“I am not Taehyung, I am V” He took your free hand under the blanket and brushed it against his dick, letting out a small satisfied moan. He tried to pry your fingers open but you refused, he growled lowly and pushed another digit inside you. Whilst you were distracted he slid himself into your closed fist letting it mould around his shaft.

Unintentionally your fingers clenched around his boner as he gently guided your hand along his length back and forth. You kept your mouth firmly shut but it didn’t seem to stop the feelings from building, you were panting softly, the wet sounds coming from between your legs becoming more audible to you and you sighed in relief when you sawa loud action scene was underway in the movie.

He pumped his fingers and moved your hand faster as his breathing became sporadic. V turned to you, biting your shoulder hard and coming into your hand. Without hesitation V pressed his thumb against your clit as he pumped his finger into you harder and you came, your body almost doubling over in pleasure.

“You are a bad kitty” He grinned, pushing your hand to your mouth “Lick your milk.”

“No,” You muttered seemingly uninterested and his smile disappeared.

“Bad, bad kitty” He watched as you got up and left.

As the days passed you understood more and more the difference between Taehyung and his counterpart V. You loved Taehyung, he was such a sweet boy who could do no wrong, but, you longed for the thrill of V, it took everything in your power to refuse his advances.

An easy way to establish who you were talking to was their nicknames for you, Taehyung called you a Kitty after that fateful day of doing a puzzle together. Whereas V called you Bad Kitty for reasons unknown.

One day during the night shift you heard Taehyung crying. Stepping into the room you saw how he wiped his eyes quickly, feigning that he was okay. “Hey, Taehyung, tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing please, you can go?” He sniffled, choosing to ignore his request you got closer and sat on the edge of his bed concerned.

“I am here now, I want to know what has got you so upset?”

He looked up at you innocently. The bedside lamp was his only source of light and it was quite dull. It made the room feel small as the shadows waited on the edge.

“I remember less and less, V is taking over and I can’t remember things, the boys sometimes get really nervous with me, Jungkook’s pictures are horrific.” He sniffed, “I have never been with a lady, let alone kissed someone and he has done such vulgar things”

You leaned over and kissed him before leaning back and smiling softly, “You have kissed a girl now”

He was frozen, fingers slowly pressing to his lips in shock, “Wait, nurse can I um, can you kiss me again a real kiss, I want to know what it feels like”

You knew you shouldn’t have but you let him. Yet you kissed him and he kissed back, it was soft and timid. He pulled back, “That was amazing, if I was just a normal person. Would there be a chance that you would ever like me, Kitty?”

“I would.” You smiled brushing his hair back and smiling at the innocence in his eyes.

“Would you let me take you out to dinner?” He asked softly, you nodded “Would you let me kiss you and maybe even spend the night together?”

You nodded and he frowned, “I wish I was normal, I just want to be normal” He cried into your shoulder hugging you and as you held him he kissed you softly. You didn’t have the heart to stop him with how gentle and kind he was. He pleaded sadly, “Please, just once, just tonight”

You were helpless to the look in his eyes and you shut his door climbing onto his bed where you kissed him, touching his body as he did the same. The light tinkling of his ankle cuff was the only thing keeping you alert to any possible dangers. But he was gentle. Taehyung wasn’t V.

“Does this feel okay?” He whispered “I am not hurting you?”

Riding him was like a dream, he guided you with his hands on your hips and you felt his heart racing against your hands that were on his chest. Right before he was going to finish, you got off and took him in your mouth, you weren’t going to take any risks without any condoms.

“Yes kitty,” he whispered as he grabbed your head and came. You managed to pull away and he came all over the two of you causing him to frown, “bad kitty you got us all dirty”

Alarm bells rang but he still looked so innocent and carefully wiped your face with a tissue, apologizing the whole time. Taehyung helped you dress and even helped you tie up your hair. “I am really thankful that you helped me experience something, I won’t tell anyone, I don’t want you to lose your job or anything”

“It’s okay, Taehyung, I trust you.” He gave your hand an affectionate squeeze and you slipped out the room before people would start to suspect something.

You and Taehyung spend the next few days bonding, he warns you when he feels himself slipping away and you have enough time to prepare before V emerges. Whilst painting in the garden Taehyung is talking about all the things he loves, his favourite style of music and his favourite colour and the two of you talk about what you would do if you could do anything.

On your way back Taehyung is telling you about a new electrotherapy that has been said to remove alternate persona’s from one's mind. “It is worth a shot don’t you think?”

“It sounds a little scary, what if something goes wrong, what if you die?” you asked

“I would rather die than spend my whole life in this ward trapped in my own body because someone else is taking control of me, making me do things I don’t want to” He exclaimed, laughing almost bitterly.

“Sorry Taehyung, I didn’t know” You whispered “It’s not something I can truly comprehend.”

“That’s right because you are perfect and everything is normal,” He hissed getting aggravated, he was being restrained when he panicked and started apologizing. “Wait I am sorry, I am sorry, please let me go.”

He was taken to his room and your heart felt like it was breaking, he was afraid of himself and he wanted to get better. He was alone, longing for someone to love him for who he was. Could you be that for him perhaps?

After dinner you went to the room to see him, he was hunched over his shoulders shaking as he sniffled, “I’m sorry,” his voice was small. You stepped over and touched his shoulder, his hand came up and squeezed yours. “You should go, I am not the person you should be with”

“I want to stay, I want to be with you. If there was a way, I would love to get married, have a family and live happily ever after.”

His grip tightened and the sniffling turned to laughter, you were pulled on top of him, his grip was harsh, “You want to get married, my bad kitty, you want me to put some babies inside you?”

You were grabbed and one of the male nurses sedated him, you were crying and you left the room, “I just tried to comfort Taehyung, I am fine I was just startled and scared. I will go for a shower and I will head home for the night.”

You came back to work the next day but you didn’t step foot into Taehyung’s room. You spoke over meals with everyone and he was his usual nice and gentle self. He told everyone that he was getting electroshock therapy. He was saying if it all went successful he would be allowed out of the asylum and allowed to live like a normal human again.

It took three whole weeks before you had willingly stepped into Taehyung's room, it was his first interview about him and his illness they were recording data to compare with afterwards. You walked him to his interview and walked him back, opening his door and stepping inside.

The door shut behind you and you knew he was behind you. The number one rule is don't let the patient block your exit. And here you were stuck in the room blocked in by Taehyung.

“Hey Taehyung, you want to play another game of cards” you said, watching him look at the door shoulders hunched over. He slowly turned, looking up with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

“I’m not Taehyung.” he said,his face void of any expression.

“Who are you, then?”

“You know who I am!” He shouted before reigning himself back in, “I am V, I am the one that scares you bad kitty, that day when they sedated me, I almost had you”

“You liked what I said though didn’t you, you pressed your thighs together and the sweet scent of arousal filled the room. You want to get fucked and you want it hard” he said, gripping you by the hair and pushing you so your chest is flat against the bed.

You wanted it, god you wanted it and he knew it, but you would get fired. As if reading your thoughts V softly whispered into your ear, “you can blame me if they come in sweetheart, no one has to know you were willing, just tell me you want it”

“I can’t” you whined into the bed cursing that you couldn’t.

“You let Taehyung fuck you but not me?” He pressed himself against you letting you feel how hard you made him.

“Because Taehyung was sweet,” and upset. You were trying to comfort him and had forgotten you were at work, but you didn’t say the last bit out loud.

“Listen to me. Taehyung doesn’t control me but I can control him, that was all me, you know it because I called you by my nickname. Didn’t he call you bad kitty that day?”

You looked at him in shock as he continued, all the while lifting your dress and pulling down your soaked underwear, “That’s right it was me all along so what’s the harm if we try it again?”

“Fuck me, please” you moaned throwing caution to the wind, if you lost your job then so be it.

He pushed himself into you in a single, hard thrust and you felt your walls stretch around him. He felt bigger then Taehyung but that had to be impossible.

Where one was timid and soft, he was rough and ferocious, his hips pistoned in and out as he fucked you hard. He was vocal and unrefined, he didn’t have any other thought except the primal urge to fuck you. The lewd sounds bounced off of the walls as he pounded into you. He thrusted deep, you could feel him deep inside in your inner walls.

You were drooling, biting the blankets on his bed clutching them between your fists trying to muffle the sounds you were making.

Taehyung had thrust hard one last time before you felt heat spreading inside you and your eyes shot open, “Fuck, Tae what about a condom?”

“You are mine.” he growled, punctuating each of his words with a thrust as he went, leaving you a writhing mess.

You quickly got dressed and stormed into the staff bathroom and took a shower.

You changed your clothes and hurried home. You spent the night huddled in your blankets crying yourself to sleep.

You left for a while after that incident, you spent christmas and new years with your family and when you came back you went back to working right away. The shift was awkward as Taehyung kept staring at you, you didn’t know what it meant but you tried to pay it no mind. The end of your first week back was the day Taehyung would undergo Electroshock therapy.

When it came around you walked him to the theatre and stayed in the hall, you didn’t want to witness it but you wanted to be there by him as soon as it was over. What you didn’t expect was the screaming. What felt like after an eternity but was only half an hour later they stepped out wheeling Taehyung on a gurney, he didn’t look so good.

It took awhile but Taehyung was starting to grow stronger and he would chat and seemed to be getting healthier and there was no sign of V. You were extremely happy and a month later he was reviewed and approved for discharge from the asylum. He was finally moving in with you and you two were going to live together and start a family.

He waved to the boys but they hadn’t stopped crying all morning, they didn’t say a word, only sobbing more when Taehyung hugged them before leaving. “I wish I could take you all with me,” He said, wiping his eyes.

Taehyung moved in and you two started decorating the apartment to make it more homey. You were cooking dinner for him one night, everything was going well so far, it had been two months since his discharge and the two of you were happy.

“We could try for a baby, if you wanted?” Taehyung shuffled his feet looking at the ground. You giggled, grabbing his hand and leading him to the bedroom, he undressed you and laid you on the bed before undressing and settling in between your legs. You hadn’t been intimate since Taehyung had been discharged from the asylum and it was just as amazing as you remembered, slow and sensual just like your first time with Taehyung.

Taehyung lifted your hands above your head, kissing and licking your breasts. Panting against you when his hands tightened his grip around your wrists. His hips drove deeper inside you, he was soon going faster and harder pounding into you with all his force and you whined in pleasure. “Yes please.”

“Do you like that bad kitty?”

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otptings · 4 years ago

Text

Countless Moons

-Idol; Niki

-Word Count; 3k+

-Genre; 13+, angst , two endings (one horror, one ambiguous fluff)

-Warnings; detailed death, blood, cussing, aged up Niki, mentions of eating disorder, descriptions of grief multiple breakdowns, mentions of vomiting, self harm, insanity

-Synopsis; 2 years ago you witnessed your boyfriends death firsthand. Now after his 2 year death anniversary weird occurrences have started happening.

-A/n - here is my warning, this has a really detailed death scene that caused me to become choked up while writing this. if you do not think you can handle that please do not read this. requests are open for Enhypen (super small print is a dream, italics are flashbacks)

"I'm sorry."

Tears dripped down your cheeks. Fat and warm as they landed on your hands that you were wringing. Staring at the gravestone in front of you.

Riki Nishimura.

December 9th 2005- November 30th 2020.

Gone too soon.

It was the second anniversary. That means two years. Two years since you've witnessed him get hit by a car. When you thought too long about it you could remember that day perfectly.

That dreaded day.

Seeing his purple hair and the pout on his face after he had gotten lectured by the soccer coach because of it. The sun beating down on you, warming you despite the cold breeze that threatened to force you to put on a jacket. Niki's jacket that he always left for you just in case. Watching as he dribbled the ball, confidence displayed on his face as he kicked it toward the goal. Tossing his arm over K's shoulder as he cheered, turning to face you. Raising his fist, a smile on your face as you happily cheered for him.

Tugging said jacket closer around your body as another cold breeze brushed by. The clouded sky only made the day more dismal. Knowing that not even the sun would shine on you, as if it knew what this day meant.

"I should've listened to you," You wiped away your tears releasing a shaky laugh, "If I was more careful you would never had have to run after me."

The gravel digging into your knees and palm. Hearing your jeans rip as you hit the ground. Turning around in time to see the car hitting Niki. You could hear crunches, and a thud as he hit the ground. A blood curling scream was heard, but you don't know if it was from you or Niki. The driver of the car veered into a tree, who you later found out was drunk, passing out against the wheel.

The horn blared as you ran over to Niki, placing his head in your lap. His purple hair appearing red faintly, his eyes fluttering shut. Begging him to stay awake, tears blurring your vision as you cupped his cheek . Eyes widening you say blood dripping from his forehead.

So much blood.

The crimson liquid spilling around his body, seeping into your clothes as you held him closely. Looking around you saw bystanders staring on in disbelief, watching as you cried over his body in the middle of the street.

By the time the ambulance showed up Niki had stopped breathing. More screams and tears leaving you as the paramedics pulled you off of his body. One of them wrapped a silver blanket around you, another called your parents. You watched as they attempted to revive Niki.

They weren't successful.

His time of death was 5:37 pm.

"I wish you were here with me. I still sleep with the teddy bear your mom gave me, the one that used to be yours." A bitter sweet memory, his mom coming to your house with tears in her eyes. Handing you a box of his belongs. She hugged you tightly, muttering a sorry, before giving you her number. That was 2 years ago, before they moved to Osaka.

You couldn't blame her.

The box was precious to you. Filled with various teddy bears that he had around his room, various assortment of clothes, and letters that he had written you.

Goosebumps erupted over your skin as you felt eyes on you. Was someone watching you? Raking your eyes over the tree line, you thought you saw a glimpse of purple. Chills ran through you. It was time to leave anyway, it was past 7 pm.

Placing the narcissus flower on his grave, you stood up not bothered by the grass stains on your jeans. Pulling the jacket closer to your body, you headed to the gateway of the graveyard.

As you approached the archway you felt an urge to turn around. It was strong, like someone whispering it directly in your ear. Glancing over your shoulder you saw someone crouching over his grave, exactly where you were mere moments ago. The flower you placed in the figures hand as they stood up. An involuntary gasp left your mouth, and then the figure was gone. Vanishing into thin air.

"Niki?"

The sun beamed down on him reflecting his silver hair as he stepped into the river. Niki turned to you with a giant smile on his face, his hand up covering his eyes from the son. Strangely you couldn't make out his eyes. You let out a laugh watching as the bottom of his jeans got soaked by the water where he hadn't pulled them high enough. He looked down at the flowing water, a pout on his lips.

The water seemed to continue rising, as fear shown in his eyes. Just like the day the car hit him. You tried to scream at him, tell him to get out of the water, but no words left your mouth. A wave rose out of the water and hit Niki. A gurgled noise filled the air as you ran to the river. You ran into the river, desperately looking for him when you something grab your leg and yank you under the water. You were met by dark red eyes, and a fanged smile.

He let out a laugh as the water filled your lungs. When your vision started to get blurry he whispered in your ear.

"Be back soon love."

No fucking way. Your stomach dropped as you read the text.

Niki Niki 💞

Hi baby

Your hand shook as you quickly blocked the number. This was a sick fucking joke. Nausea flooded your stomach, and you felt bile rise in your throat. Dropping to your knees you started to get choked up. Covering your mouth you tried to quiet the sobs leaving your mouth.

Who the fuck would hack a dead persons phone? Why would you think that was okay?

Seeing Niki's contact appear made your heart drop. Memories flashed through your mind.

His face lighting up after the goal, when he looked at you in the bleachers and knew that he wanted to make you proud. His smile shining brighter than the sun. Whining when he pulled you into his arms after, laughing as he rubbed his sweaty cheek against yours. His hair stuck to his forehead when he leaned down to you, placing a kiss on your cheek.

Hearing the sound of his body hitting the ground. Holding him tightly to your body, begging anybody to help you. Feeling his blood soaking through your jeans, sticking them to your skin like paper mache. Watching him open his mouth as he tried to talk to you. The panic in his eyes as his breathing got more ragged. A gurgling noise presenting itself as his lungs filled with blood. Seeing his eyes becoming glazed over as you held him to your chest, begging him to stay awake.

You should've held him tighter that day. Kissed him a little harder. Not bothered worrying about his sweaty jersey. Just cherished the time that you spent with him.

Unknown

this looks weird I know but please listen to me

meet me in the place where we first met

I need to see you love

Tears streamed down your face as you held your legs close to your chest. Your skirt was covered in mud and grass stains. The bottom of it was torn where it had snagged when you tried to run away from them. Quiet cries left your mouth as you hid under the bleachers, praying that the bullies would leave you alone. You covered your mouth as you heard them getting closer, chants of your names.

"Come out piglet."

"Yea piglet. You love to play in the mud right?"

"Come out come out piglet." Their laughter got quieter as they walked further away. You slowly relaxed. You just had to wait out here til the bell rung. Only flaw in your plan was that you had no clue what time it was.

"Are you okay?" You jumped pulling your legs closer as you heard someone. Turning to your right you saw a boy with dark brown hair, hanging shaggily over his eyes. He held out his hand, attempting to help you stand up. When he realized you weren't gonna grab it he sat down beside you, not caring about the mud getting on his clean uniform. "My names Niki. What's yours?"

Niki didn't seem bothered at your silence. Taking off his jacket he handed it to you.

"I see your uniforms dirty. You can wear my jacket for the day if you like." Reluctantly you took his jacket, slipping it over your arms as he watched you with a smile. You stared at him weirdly as the bell finally run. Recess was over and you had successfully escaped your bullies.

Standing up Niki held his hand out to you again. This time you took it.

"Thank you." His smile only grew larger.

"Of course. I think we're gonna be friends."

"This is fucking stupid." Your words got sucked into the quiet of the night. You knew the Niki was dead. You witnessed his death. Held him in your arms as he died and choked on his own blood. Even spoke a eulogy for his funeral. He was dead as doorknob.

Here you were though. Pacing back and forth underneath of the bleachers. Sneakers crunching the dry grass. It was the middle of December. Instead of studying I was waiting to see who hacked my dead boyfriend's phone.

And what specifically was I waiting for? To have them appear then force them to apologize? They have no morals if they could hack a dead teen's number. What makes me think that any useful would happen from this.

"Fuck!" You growled as you crouched down, tears burning at our eyes. "He's not fucking coming back." You tried to convince yourself. "Everyday was supposed to get easier without you, but they're only getting worst and worst." An uncontrollable wail left your lips. You grabbed your hair, pulling it as you tried to ground yourself.

Nothing made sense anymore. Niki died at 15. It's been 2 years and you're still holding on to him.

"He isn't coming back." You wiped your tears with the sleeve of the hoodie, sniffling as you stood up.

"Who's not coming back?" Whirling around your mouth went dry. A gasp left your mouth as dizziness overcame you. "Are you okay? You look pale."

Him screaming your name was the last thing that you heard before you fainted.

"How could you bring her here? She has no fucking clue?"

"And leave her there?"

"He's right this is the best choice."

"Bringing her here is dangerous for all of us. Especially here."

"If you guys even touch her I'll kill you."

"We would never."

"What if she finds out what you are?"

Your eyes flickered open at the sound of harsh whisperings. Sitting up slowly you looked around the room. It was a stereotypical boys room, posters on the wall and clothes scattered across the floor. Turning to the nightstand something caught your eye. Picking up the picture frame you saw it was a picture of you and Niki.

Freshman year homecoming. First dance since you started dating, almost 5 years after you met for the first time. Our parents forced us to take pictures, changing up our poses every couple of photos. This was ironically the most hated one from that day.

The sun was blazing, beaming down as your parents snapped photo after photo. His arms wrapped around your waist, chin resting on your shoulder. He whispered jokes into your ears, causing laughs to flow freely. Every picture was almost the same. Niki's lips close to your ear, a wide smile on your face as you laughed.

Tears started to blur your vision as you set the picture frame down, albeit with a little bit of a thunk. The whispers went quiet outside, obviously they all had heard it. Someone turned the doorknob with a click before pushing it open, peeking their head in. Light in the hallway shone behind them, obscuring their face. They closed the door quickly, the whispers starting back up.

What the fuck was happening? You pulled your knees to your chest, pulling the blanket tighter around your body. This had to be another nightmare. Yea. Just a silly little dream. Where my dead boyfriend rose from the dead, texted me, and then took me to some strange house. Of course totally normal dream behavior.

Suddenly someone quickly stepped into the room, closing the door behind them with a resolute thud. You threw your hand over your eyes, covering them from the harsh light that abruptly turned on. Blinking a few items, you looked at the person as your vision cleared.

"This is a sick dream." Tilting his head to the side Niki started to walk over to you. Throwing your hands up you stopped him in his tracks. "Stay the fuck away. You are not Niki. I saw him die." His face softened as he stood in the middle of the room, brown eyes showing sadness.

"I am Niki."

"You're fucking not! I saw him die! I held him as he fucking died!" He jumped at your screams, looking taken aback as tears streamed down your face.

"Love. Please let me explain."

"Don't fucking call me that! Only Niki can call me that!" With a sob you curled yourself into a ball. Praying for this nightmare to end. There is no way Niki is alive.

Thud. Warm blood. Gurgle.

He was dead.

Dead.

Another guttural sob left your mouth, holding yourself tighter in hopes that you could just disappear. You flinched as you felt at the feeling of getting touched, a hand placing itself on back. He rubbed soothing circles as he whispered into your ear, words reassuring you that it was truly him.

"I'm sorry love." At the sound of that, overwhelming thoughts to go to sleep flooded your mind. You opened your eyes, confused at what was happening as you gripped onto Niki's shirt. An apologetic look on his face before everything went black for the second time that night.

"I know that you pity me. Some of you feel bad because of what I witnessed. The death of my best-friend, and boyfriend. But you shouldn't. I've known him 5 years but he has made the greatest impact on me. I look at everything in a positive light because of him. I work my hardest because he constantly encouraged me to. Niki was the best person that I know and I feel as if we should all live in his honor. I'm happy that he isn't suffering. I know that Niki is happy wherever he is. And if there is a Heaven he is definitely there. Niki if you can hear me I love you. I'm so grateful that I got to know you. I'll be with you again someday. The sun will shine on us again."

Niki Niki💞

I took the liberty of unblocking my number

when you wake up please text me

if you give me the chance I will explain everything

Love🦦

hurry

Here we were. Niki sitting on the opposite side of the bed from, just looking at you. Apart of you wished that this was real. That Niki was really in front of you. Drinking in his appearance you let a sigh leave your mouth.

Niki was in front of you.

His hair hung messily in his face, now grey instead of his signature purple at the time of his 'death'. Every other part of him looked normal. A hoodie hanging off of his skin frame, the same one that he wore for soccer practice with his jersey number on the back. He hasn't aged a day.

"I know you're confused," His voice broke the silence, seemingly the only thing that has changed. Having heard it multiple times you hadn't realized that it had gotten deeper, "please just let me explain. If you want nothing to do with me afterwards I'll let you go. I just missed you."

He ran his fingers through hair, before pulling the hoodie over his head. A nervous trait of his. It's nice to see that some things never change.

"I died. I remember the fear that I had that day, how you held me tightly in your arms, choking on my own blood. I remember all of it, and I truly did die." You stared at him, more confusion after part of his explanation than you had before.

"I was scared when I woke up here. I had all of the memories of my death, but woke up with no scars. No physical sign of the accident. Heeseung was the one that comforted me. He told me that I was chosen. Talked about fate's arrows and connecting two worlds. My memory of the speech is hazy after two years." Scooting closer to you he grabbed one of your hands, intertwining your fingers.

"You've been here this whole time?" Regret shone in his eyes as he nodded, "Why didn't you tell me?" His face dropped at your voice. Desperation was clear in the way that your voice cracked.

"I couldn't. They told me I would put in danger. That you would reject what I am now."

Niki cupped your cheek wiping your stray tears. Sighing you nuzzled your face into his palm. His hand was cold. The same coldness that filled you for years after his death.

"I missed you so much. I fought myself day and night. I needed you too. I'm sorry love."

All the nights filled with tears, sobbing until your throat was sore and your head felt like it would explode from the pressure. School days filled with people staring, whispering to each other about the poor girl that witnessed her boyfriends death. Bile rising in your throat every time you ate, thoughts of Niki bleeding out in your arms, remembering scrubbing the blood off of you in the shower. You never could keep food down, rushing to the bathroom after every meal. Tears flooding your eyes as you gagged, constant flashbacks.

But Niki is here. In front of you. His hand cupping your cheek, whispering apologies into the air between you. Maybe everything would be okay.

It's been two years. Two years since you've found out that Niki was still alive. As a vampire, but 'alive' nonetheless.

Leaving town was always your plan. After Niki's death what was left for you in Okayama? You always thought about going to South Korea, or maybe even to America. Somewhere to get a full fresh start. Not being known as the dead boy's girlfriend. Who wasted away due to grief. Who died 3 years after his death, a brutal suicide that raked the town.

You were the real Romeo and Juliet. Two young lovers separated at 15, death forcing them to part. You never recovered from his death, so at 18 you followed him. After your funeral your family left town, not being able to bare the pain.

It was a fresh start for you. And Niki.

Your love Niki. Who laid now on your chest as you watched a movie, a cult classic funnily enough. The other members spread out on various couches. Looking down at Niki you ran your fingers through his hair, a sigh leaving his mouth as he relaxed. Grabbing your other hand Niki placed a kiss on it, a smile blossoming across your lips.

In the dead of winter, under countless moons you were together again.

thank you for reading this, I really hoped that you enjoyed it. I tried to make it the ending as fluffy as possible without ruining the vibe I had going for the whole oneshot. underneath of this is the alternate ending if you want to go insane read it. it does contain mentions of insanity, and self harm. you have been warned

It's been two years. Two years since you've found out that Niki was still alive. As a vampire, but 'alive' nonetheless.

That’s what your parents told everyone at least.

The truth is police found you under the bleachers, writhing on the ground as you nonsensically spouted about vampires and curses. Telling everyone who listened how Niki was still alive. They would tut, turning around while mentioning how the accident affected you. Ruining you mentally. Your parents' concerns only grew when you would speak to the thin air. Claiming it was Niki. That he missed them, and wished they would allow him in the house.

You would claw at yourself to ‘feed’ Niki, blood dripping from your arms. It came to a halt when your parents walked into the house, crimson surrounding your mouth as you happily told them you had turned. You were now a vampire. You could now be with Niki forever.

They shipped you to the farthest asylum. One in Virginia, hidden away in the mountains. Far are from them. Far away from Niki.

Maybe after countless moons you’ll meet again one day. When the insanity no longer claimed your mind, and shrouded your reality.

#enhypen #enhypen angst #kpop angsts #enhypen oneshot #enhypen drabble #niki rishimura #Riki nishimura #enhypen riki #enhypen niki #kpop horror #enhypen horror

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jessicajonesrp · 4 years ago

Text

Public warning

Patricia Walker does not do well with lack of control. It’s a tendency passed down from life with Dorothy Walker, easily the most controlling non super-powered person she had ever met. For the first eighteen years of her life, most of Trish’s actions, from her clothes to her work to her every public word and expression, had been chosen for her by Dorothy, and the only real choice she had for herself was whether to give in and make life easier for herself or rebel and suffer Dorothy’s wrath.

Her desire for the control she had lacked had left her with severe insecurity, eating disorders, and self medication through drugs, all issues she struggled with for a good ten years before channeling her need for control into efforts at bettering herself and helping others. She had finally reached a place where life was stable, heading in a direction Trish could be content with, if not fully satisfied.

And then Kilgrave happened. First to Jessica only, without Trish having any idea why her best friend had suddenly vanished without contact for eight months, and then with the shattered mess it left her once Trish did know and struggled to support her. Then to Trish herself, when she, against Jessica’s orders and even pleas, involved herself in trying to draw him out and capture him.

Trish knew she had not suffered anywhere near the level that her sister had from Kilgrave, but it was still enough to make her feel sick and cold when she remembered. She still occasionally had nightmares of his cold, snapping voice, telling her to shoot herself in the head, telling her to kill people she had never met before out on the docks. She still shivered in disgust when she remembered the feeling of his hands on her face, his lips on her skin, the terrible ambivalence of wanting to kiss him, enjoying it, even as every part of her true self screamed out in horror. And she could never forget Simpson’s hands around her throat, choking her nearly to the point of death at Kilgrave’s command.

She had hated and feared the man from the first moment Jessica managed to stutter out what he had done to her. No, she had hated him before then, when she first saw the unnaturally shocked, broken state of her sister when she finally broke free from his initial control. Anyone who could hurt Jessica so deeply and so permanently earned her hatred without needing to know their identity.

And now he was back. Again. As much as Trish feared for herself, for being used or even killed in his obsessive pursuit of Jessica, she feared even more that Kilgrave would damage Jessica even more deeply, that he would continue to pile up dead and damaged bodies around himself and place the blame at her feet. Jessica didn’t need this, not again. And if Trish could do anything to help or stop it, it would help her feel just a little bit more of a sense of the control she knew she didn’t really have.

She made her way to her recording studio after first sending some of Heroes for Hires guards ahead of her to thoroughly check out the studio for any signs of danger from Kilgrave or any of his like, giving them a code phrase to use to insure that they would be able to alert her if he did show up and control them or others. Trish had already called ahead to insure that all people were thoroughly searched for any possible weapons and passed at least twice through the metal detectors already installed before being allowed entrance. After receiving the all clear, she went, Jessica insisting on accompanying her, via one of Danny’s cars to the studio, passing through the checks put in place and heading straight to her recording studio and instructing the techs to set up for a live broadcast. She was aware of Jessica skulking behind her, hands shoved in her pockets, as Trish rapidly read from the speech she had just finished churning out.

“Good afternoon New York City and beyond, this is Trish Walker with an urgent report coming to you from Trish Talk, by way of myself and all our associates at Heroes for Hire. Soon, a follow up broadcast will be coming your way via Channel 5 News with more information, but please, listen very carefully to this announcement for your safety and those of your loved ones.”

Trish paused, swallowing, and snuck a glance back at Jessica’s impassive expression before facing the mic again and continuing. “Most of you may remember the terrible events of last summer, when the man whom called himself Kilgrave provided mass terror and destruction in our city and in far too many of our own lives and homes. It is to my great sorrow that I inform you that Kilgrave is not, as was believed, deceased. Kilgrave has made personal contact with myself and with-“

Jessica made violent throat slashing motions behind her that Trish saw out the corner of her eye, and Trish edited her intended words smoothly.

“With myself and my colleagues, and we have evidence to support that this is no hoax. Please be aware of yourself and those you love at all times. Know their whereabouts, establish coded phrases and patterns of behavior in order to test out the level of control the people in your life may have at any given moment. Kilgrave is a white male with a British accent, last known to have short medium brown hair and brown eyes. He tends to dress in a professional manner, especially in dark purple suits and ties, and he is considered a threat of the level of nuclear war. Do not approach him should you see him; instead do all you can to get away and call in our hotline at Trish Talk or Heroes for Hire to report a possible sighting. If you suspect that someone you know may be controlled, treat them in the same manner, do all you can to subdue them without causing permanent harm to them if necessary. Kilgrave’s powers last up to 12 hours, so do not under any circumstances try to reason with anyone you suspect to be controlled. If at all possible, wear ear plugs or head phones or listen to loud music when necessary to go out in public. Kilgrave cannot gain control of those whom are not within his direct path and whom cannot hear his commands. He-“

“Stop,” a voice suddenly came over the ear, and both Trish and Jessica jumped, recognizing the voice after a moment as not Kilgrave’s, but female and American. Trish quickly identified the voice a second later as belonging to one of her tech support assistants, Chloe Ash. “The information is over.”

“What the fuck?” Jessica hissed, shooting Chloe a vicious glower and striding towards her quickly. “Will you shut up, even I know to shut the hell up on a live recording, over something this damn important!”

Trish tried to recover, giving a somewhat forced chuckle and speaking over them. “I apologize, there are some technical difficulties, but if you’ll bear with me I will make sure you all get the information you need. As I was saying, Kilgrave cannot-"

“This information is too much, this recording is over,” Chloe repeated, more loudly and forcefully, standing up and taking the headphones off of her ears. She fairly shouted out her next few words, speaking loudly enough that Trish’s words were drowned out.

“Loyal listeners, you will now hear the sound of a suicide by Chloe Ash, Patsy Walker’s employee. More are to follow in the names and as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones. Goodbye, loyal listeners, and know that Kilgrave is a patient man.”

She head butted Jessica in the face when Jessica grabbed for her arm, ducking under her and weaving to the other side of Trish. As Trish leaped up, expecting Chloe to grab or try to harm her, the young woman instead ran to a small cabinet against the walls containing little more than sound equipment and various office supplies. Throwing it open, she grabbed a pair of scissors from its contents, opened the blades wide, and closed them around the front of her throat.

She made no sound, showed no pain as she dragged the scissor blades more deeply into her skin, sawing back and forth to make as rough and deep a wound as possible. The live recording now picked up the sound of Trish’s horrified scream, her outcries of “Oh god, no, no!” as blood spattered in a wide arc just short of reaching her, and the noisy scuttle of multiple feet moving towards Chloe as others tried to reach her before it was too late.

Jessica got to her first and wrenched the scissors out of her hand, breaking them in half and throwing them down so Chloe could not get them and use them any further. Tearing off her oversized sweatshirt, she pressed it against the woman’s throat, grimly noting how the blood immediately stained through its thick material and onto her fingers, how it had sprayed hot and thick over her arms and chest before she could touch her at all. The woman didn’t try to speak, likely couldn’t have, but she was losing all color in her face, her eyes already growing glassy and lifeless, and as Trish sputtered and tried not to vomit or pass out in the background, Jessica held onto the almost useless bloodied sweater, as though she could somehow keep the woman alive just by holding on tight enough.

It didn’t matter. Within another minute the woman was clearly dead, limp and unmoving under Jessica’s hands, and she could hear the shrill noise of sirens in the background. Jessica let her drop to the ground, stumbling back and nearly yelling out loud when she bumped into Trish and felt her hands latch onto her arm.

“We have to go, now,” she mumbled, giving her sister’s arm a rough tug.” Before someone else of his comes through in the aftermath.”

Even as she lead Trish out of the room and building, she could still hear the dying woman’s words echo in her mind. More are to follow, as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones…

#jessica jones roleplay #Jessica Jones #Luke Cage #luke cage roleplay #trish walker roleplay #trish walker

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lovely-necromancy · 3 years ago

Text

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?” He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

#ticci tobyx reader #ticci toby #ticcitoby #hoodie x reader #masky x reader #timothy wright x reader #brain thomas x reader #reader insert #mask #hoodie #timothy wright x brian thomas #timothy wright #brian thomas #creepypasta fanfic #A cure for insomnia

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justcallmefox89 · 4 years ago

Text

Truth or Dare Part 4

The birthday sleep over has completely fallen apart, Mammon and Levi are at each other’s throats, Arianthi backslides into old thoughts and dangerous habits, and Diavolo offers her comfort.

Some good old fashioned angst and NSFW content: Language, blowjob, penetrative sex, face riding, unprotected sex.

Remember everyone, consent is key. Being open and honest with your partner and making sure you’re both on the same page is the sexiest thing you can do for one another. Also - practice safe sex mmmkay? :)

TW: body image and self esteem issues, eating disorders.

Written from the perspective of my female character Arianthi.

I’m adding a different mood playlist to each installment of this series, just songs that I listened to while writing and feel embody each part of the story.

Foxy Shazam - Count Me Out

Callum Scott - Dancing on My Own

Meg Myers - Desire

Hozier - Movement

Jess Benko - A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be

“Arianthi! Arianthi! Open the damn door!” Mammon pounds on the door to Arianthi’s room, unable to open it.

“Screaming at her to open the door after you’ve just insulted her on her birthday probably isn’t the best way to get her to let you in Mammon,” Lucifer says coldly.

“I doubt she’d let you in anyway, scumbag,” Satan adds, an angry growl in his voice.

Mammon opens his mouth to snap back, then closes it, unable to come up with a retort.

“Stupid Mammon can’t even defend himself this time,” Asmo mocks. “You just blew whatever shot you had with Arianthi straight to hell.”

Mammon looks at the floor, ashamed. “I didn’t mean it. She’s got to know I didn’t mean it, I was just so.....”

“Jealous? Stupid? Idiotic? Pick a description because they all fit. Newsflash, even a shut in otaku like me knows like you can’t treat the girl you supposedly care about like shit and then expect her to still like you.” Levi glares at Mammon and then tries the doorknob again, agitated.

The door still doesn’t open and he can’t hear any movement inside her room.

Beel looks around worriedly. “She never locks her door. Ever. She always leaves it open so I can go in and get the snacks she keeps for me. And Luke said she might be sick.”

Belphie shares his concern. “Do you think we should have Beel break the door in? In case she’s too sick to answer and needs help?”

For the first time since Lilith, Lucifer looks to be at a loss. Concern for Arianthi and the urge to comfort her battles with his desire to protect her privacy.

Diavolo steps forward to pass a hand over the door and sighs. “It wouldn’t matter if he did. She’s warded the door against us.”

The brothers share a look of surprise.

Mammon is the first to recover his voice. “Where would she even learn ward magic? And why would she start using it now?”

“I taught her.” The demons turn to look at Solomon, who has walked up behind them. “And as to why she’s using it, I’d venture to guess that Mammon’s little attempt to shatter her self-confidence worked, and she doesn’t want to see any of you right now.”

Mammon flushes with shame. “I didn’t mean any of it,” he mutters.

“Then you shouldn’t have said it.” For the first time a sharp tone enters Solomon’s voice.

“Take down the ward,” Lucifer orders him.

Solomon moves to stand in front of Arianthi’s door. “No.”

Lucifer’s eyes gleam red, anger rising. “You may be a powerful sorcerer Solomon, but I am one of the seven lords of the Devildom and I will rip your heart out of your chest without hesitation. Open. The. Door.”

“No.”

Lucifer lunges forward, already shifting to his demon form.

Diavolo stops him with a strong hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re all worried, but maybe Solomon is right. Maybe we should respect her privacy. She’s put up the wards for a reason.”

Levi pushes forward and knocks softly on the door. “Arianthi? It’s me. Can I come in?”

Silence.

“Please Arianthi?”

The demons and Solomon all hear movement behind the closed door and Arianthi’s voice whispering. There’s a soft click and the door opens. Arianthi’s hair has been pulled back into a messy ponytail, her make up removed. A t-shirt that is clearly Beel’s hangs to her knees, over it she wears one of Levi’s hoodies, and a pair of Belphie’s sweats peek out beneath the over sized shirts. She’s obviously been crying.

Something sharp and painful twists in Mammon’s chest. I did this. I made my human cry. I was stupid and jealous and I fucked up. I need to make this right. He moves quickly towards the open door, attempting to push past Levi.

“Arianthi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean -”

Arianthi holds up a hand to cut him off. “Just Levi.” Her voice is soft and hoarse.

Levi slips past Mammon and into the room. Arianthi shuts the door behind him and whispers the incantation to once again ward the door.

------------------------------------------------------------

Levi follows me and we both take a seat on my bed, leaning up against the headboard, shoulders touching.

“Luke said he heard you being sick.”

I sigh heavily.

I don’t want to talk about this now. Never talking about it would be ideal. Forgetting this whole shit show of a night would be fantastic.

“I was sick. Then I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I’m fine now.

“Did you make yourself sick on purpose?” Levi asks softly.

I turn to face him, getting my first proper look at his face and his emerging black eye.

“Levi! What happened to your face?” I reach out to touch his cheek, worried.

He gently grabs my hand and pulls it down, folding it between his two large ones. “Don’t change the subject.”

The urge to cry comes on again, hard and fast. “I’m sorry Levi,” I whisper.

He sighs. “I’m not mad at you. I just........I wish you wouldn’t feel like that’s something you have to start doing again.”

“I’m sorry,” I say again. “It just....it’s hard. I haven’t felt that way in a long time but then......... I just felt this panic and I thought if I could get rid of the food then I would feel better. And if I start doing it again then I can be more like what he wants.......I could be pretty. I could be so much more than this. I could be good enough for him.” I gesture at my body, the tears flowing freely now.

Levi thunks his head back against the headboard of the bed in frustration. He turns me to face him, his thumbs brushing my tears from my cheeks.

“Hey we’ve talked about this. Remember what you told me when Mammon was selling that picture of me? And I was so embarrassed because I didn’t want anyone seeing that much of my body? You told me I was perfect how I was. I didn’t have to look like Beel or Mammon to be attractive. Fuck everyone who thought differently. You loved me. My brothers loved me in their own weirdly deranged ways. You said I didn’t have to change to be like anyone else to be worthy of love and the things that made me different from my brothers were what made me sexy. And then you got Mammon to delete the picture and give me all the Grimm he made from it.”

Levi grins at me. “I think you’re the only person who has ever been able to get Mammon to willingly hand over Grimm.”

I choke back a sob. “I remember.”

“Ok, well I’m telling you the same thing now. Don’t go back to that. Don’t hate yourself, don’t make yourself sick to try to control things, to change things about yourself to make someone else care about you.” Levi gives me a little shake.

“That’s easy for you to say. I’m just a human. Is there some stupid rule here that all demons must be skinny and mind blowingly attractive?”

Levi looks at me for a moment then laughs. I join in, giggling through my tears.

“I mean what I’m saying,” Levi says as he wipes away the rest of my tears. “We all care about you, exactly how you are. If you start to feel like you can’t handle this and need help we can talk to Diavolo. He can send you back to the human realm to get help from the doctors there. I’m sure he’d let you come back after.”

I bite my lip anxiously then nod. “I’ll tell you if I can’t get a handle on it. If I can’t, or you think I’m slipping you can tell Diavolo.”

“Pinky promise?”

I smile, linking my pinky with his. “Pinky promise.”

Levi sighs in relief. “Good. Feel a little better?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so,” I answer, leaning my shoulder against his. “Hey Levi?”

“Mmm?”

"Thank you.”

He smiles at me. “Anything for my Henry.”

“Could you do me a favor? Could you tell Diavolo I want to talk to him real quick? I want to apologize for everything that happened tonight.”

“Yeah, sure.”

I stand up and reach over to my nightstand. I hand Levi a jumble of things; a toothbrush, a D.D.D. charger, some t-shirts, a pair of sunglasses, a white dress shirt.

“Can you give these back to Mammon when you go back out there? Please?”

Levi nods and we walk to the door together. I take down the ward and he slips through the open door.

------------------------------------------------------------

“She wants to talk to Diavolo,” Levi tells the crowd assembled outside Arianthi’s door. “She’s upset but she’s not sick anymore.”

A wave of shock ripples through the rest of the brothers. Diavolo nods and quickly enters the bedroom.

“She really doesn’t want to see any of us?” Asmo asks, hurt.

Levi looks at the ground, trying to avoid the upset gazes of his brothers. “It’s nothing personal Asmo. She’s just got some stuff going on right now. Really personal stuff. She can’t talk about it with anyone else. She might though. Soon. Just don’t be mad at her for it, please?”

Asmo nods, still obviously distressed.

“Well, now that I know she’s not sick I’m going to gather up Luke and Simeon and we’ll take our leave,” Solomon says, shooting Mammon one last dirty look before he turns and walks down the hall.

The demons all give him a half-hearted wave goodbye.

Levi remembers the things that Arianthi gave him and quickly shoves them into Mammon’s arms. “Here’s all your stuff that was in Arianthi’s room. She doesn’t want it in there anymore.”

Mammon looks down at this things in horror. There’s a stinging sensation in his eyes, and he suddenly can’t breathe. He bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, and quickly walks to his room without a word to his brothers.

“This is really bad.” Beel looks around at the remaining brothers. “We have to fix this.”

Satan sighs softly. “This might be something we can’t fix Beel.”

“Satan’s right. Ultimately this is going to be between Arianthi and Mammon,” Lucifer says. “The best thing we can do is to let Arianthi know we still care about her and want her in the House of Lamentation.”

He sighs. “Let’s all go to bed. There’s nothing else to do here tonight. I’m sure if Diavolo thinks anything is wrong he’ll let us know before he leaves.”

The brothers all exchange worried glances before they disperse to their bedrooms.

------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey.” Diavolo gives me a small smile as he enters my room.

“Hey.” I return the smile and pat my bed. “You can come sit with me if you want.”

“Do you want to put the wards back up?”

I shake my head. “No, just close the door please.”

“Are you feeling better?” The mattress dips under Diavolo’s weight, causing me to slide closer to him.

“Yeah, just a bad moment.”

“I’m sorry Mammon said those things about you.” Diavolo reaches out to take my hand. I involuntarily flinch at the touch of his fingers and he jerks his hand back. “I’m sorry, I overstepped.”

I quickly grab his hand, lacing my fingers with his. “It’s ok Diavolo. I’m just feeling a little off right now.”

“Are you sure?” He looks at me with concern. “I don’t want to make your night worse with my attention if you don’t want it.”

I press a soft kiss to his knuckles. “I’m sure.”

A faint blush stains Diavolo’s cheeks. “And you promise you’re feeling better?”

I grin. He’s absolutely adorable.

“Promise. I have some things I need to work on, but right now I am feeling better.”

He squeezes my hand. “Good.” He pauses for a moment, looking as if he’s trying to gather his thoughts, before he turns and looks earnestly into my eyes.

“Arianthi....... I want you to know that I don’t agree with any of the things Mammon said. And I hope that you don’t let his outburst taint your opinions of other demons...... or of me. I meant what I said earlier tonight, about wanting to get to know you more. I don’t want to push you, because I know that you have feelings for Mammon, but I do hope you’re still open to giving me a chance. And I think our encounter earlier this evening proved that I’m more than slightly attracted to you, just as you are.”

His last sentence comes out in a rushed whisper, and he’s blushing heavily.

“I wouldn’t let something like that change my opinion of you Diavolo,” I respond truthfully. “There are some feelings regarding Mammon that I need to sort through. I really don’t know how all those are going to shake out. I do like you, I enjoy our time together, and I think I made it obvious earlier that I’m attracted to you too. I meant what I said earlier about getting to know you. I’m open to see what could happen between us.”

He smiles and places a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist. “I’m a very patient demon. I’ll follow your lead. Whatever you want, no pressure at all.”

He pushes himself up from my bed. “I should be going. You need your rest.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “Good night Arianthi.”

I reach up and stroke his cheek. “Diavolo?’

“Hmmm?”

“Stay with me tonight?” This might be a bad idea, but I really just want him close to me right now. Someone who’s open about how he feels me. Someone strong and handsome who can distract me from this fucked up night.

I just want some comfort. Some cuddles. There’s nothing wrong with that. Right?

He hesitates a moment, shock and pleasure warring across his face. “Are you sure?”

I bite my lip, hesitating a moment before holding my arms out to him. “Cuddle me?”

“Your wish is my command, birthday girl.” He grins at me, bending down to give a tight hug.

I stand up to feel more of him, nuzzling my head against his chest. “Thank you.”

He rests his chin on my head. “Anything for you,” he whispers.

We stand that way for a minute, swaying slightly. I feel safe in Diavolo’s arms, like nothing can ever hurt me.

A demon, the Prince of the Devildom no less, is the one who makes me feel safer than I ever have before. I internally roll my eyes and huff a small laugh against Diavolo’s chest.

“Diavolo?”

“Mmm?”

“This is really nice, but can we get into bed? I’m exhausted.” I playfully slump against him to prove my point.

He effortlessly holds me up and chuckles. “Yeah, we can do that. Let me send a message to Barbatos really quickly to let him know he’s free to go home.”

He reaches for his D.D.D. to tap out a quick message.

I pull away to shuck off my hoodie and sweats. I look up to find Diavolo staring at me, eyes wide. I look down at myself, wondering what the problem is.

Beel’s t-shirt is all the way down to my knees, I’m wearing underwear. I’m all covered up. What’s wrong? Panic starts all over again. He hates what he sees. This is a mistake. He knows he made a mistake.

“Everything ok?” I ask anxiously.

“Uh huh. Yep. All good here,” Diavolo says, swallowing nervously.

“Ok.” I smile at him, and slide between the sheets, sinking into my mattress. Diavolo moves to lay beside me, still fully clothed.

I look up at him, confused. “You’re not sleeping in your clothes are you?”

Diavolo’s ears turn red. “I was considering it.”

I stare at him. “Diavolo, we’re both adults here. You can sleep in your boxers. We’ll be ok. If anything happens beyond cuddles it will only be because we both want it. But neither one of us are going to sleep comfortably if you’re still wearing all your clothes.”

He lets out a nervous breath then grins down at me. “You’re right, you’re right.”

He peels off his jacket and shirt, and I stare as his hands move to his belt buckle and he pushes down his pants.

Holy. Fucking. Fuck. Temptation has entered the chat.

I thought Beel was a gorgeous specimen, but Diavolo surpasses even him. Every inch is heavily muscled, perfectly defined. Smooth skin that I want to run my hands over.

I want to climb this man like a tree and never come down. Bad Arianthi. Bad. Quench your thirst.

Diavolo slides under the sheets next to me and we roll onto our sides to face each other.

He reaches out to hold one of my hands. “I really am sorry your birthday ended on such a sour note.”

I squeeze his hand. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry you had to see all that. Besides, it’s not all bad. We’re here, getting to spend time together.”

He gives me a soft smile, and his hand moves up to gently stroke my arm. “That’s true.”

I tense in automatic response to his touch. He’s going to feel how fat my arms are. He’s going to hate what he feels.

Diavolo’s hand stills immediately. “Is this ok?”

I suck in a deep breath and nod, relaxing a little, waiting for the rational part of my brain to take over.

He’s seen my arms before. He already know what they look like. He wouldn’t be here, touching me, spending time with me, if he didn’t want to.

He resumes his gentle stroking, but remains silent. He seems to be considering what he wants to say.

I place a hand on his bare chest and he shivers under my touch. “Diavolo I can hear your wheels turning from here. What’s on your mind?”

He smirks at me. “I always forget how perceptive you are.” He pauses for a minute, choosing his words carefully. “I know that you have some issues with your body.”

I tense up again.

His hand moves away from my arm, stroking the curve of my waist down to my hip. Up and down. His soft touch gradually helps me relax.

“I’m not going to push you to talk about it now. But I hope someday you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about what you’re feeling. Until then I have no problem telling you how gorgeous I find you. How perfect your body is to me. I’ll tell you every day. Every hour. Every minute, if that’s what it takes.”

I lay my head on his chest trying to hide my tears. Happy tears this time. After a couple minutes I regain my composure and look back up at him. Warm golden eyes meet mine, and he smiles down at me.

I bite the inside of my cheek to hold back more tears and give him a small smile. “Thanks. You know, you’re going against every single demon stereotype right now.”

He pulls me to him, holding me tight. He chuckles, and it rumbles deep in his chest. “Maybe so. But as long as I’m making you happy that’s all that matters.”

He pulls back to stare down at me intently. “I just ask that when you do struggle with things like that you talk to me. I might not always be able to make things better, or even understand, but I want you to always be honest about your feelings with me.”

“I can do that. But only if you promise to do the same thing.” I press a soft kiss to his cheek.

“I promise.” He moves to kiss my cheek in return, but I turn my head at the last minute, catching his lips with my own.

This kiss is soft, chaste, but he still gives a pleased gasp and tightens his grip on me.

He pulls away suddenly and looks down at me with concern. “I want to kiss you. Really kiss you.”

“Then kiss me.” I tilt my head up, ready for more.

Diavolo frowns and bites his lip. “You’ve had a rough night, and you’re upset. I don’t want to take things further, if you’re not......” He exhales sharply. “I don’t want to take advantage of you if you’re not in a good head space right now.”

Mind. Blown.

Once again, a demon is being more considerate than the majority of humans I’ve dated. He deserves to have the same consideration from me.

“I promise you Diavolo, you won’t be taking advantage of me. I want this. I want you. But if you don’t feel comfortable then I won’t push it and we’ll just cuddle and talk. Or you can leave if you don’t feel ok about that anymore. I won’t be mad. I want you to be comfortable too.”

“I am more than comfortable with this as long as you are.” Diavolo moves in to kiss me again but I press a finger to his lips, stopping him.

“I just want to make sure that I’m being totally transparent with you. I like you, and I do want you. I still want to keep getting to know you. But whatever happens between us tonight I can’t make you any promises that it will lead to anything permanent. If you don’t feel ok doing anything more physical than kissing without a being in a relationship, then I totally understand.” I hold my breath, waiting for his response.

He stays silent for a bit, mulling over what I’ve told him. “I appreciate your honesty. We’ve already decided that we want to keep learning about each other and spending more time together. Sex won’t change what I want, and I won’t ever push you for more than you’re comfortable with. Physically or emotionally.”

Whew. “Same page then?”

“Same page. Can I please kiss you now?”

I giggle and nod, and he surges forward, pressing his lips against mine. I sigh into the kiss, pleasure lighting up every nerve ending. Diavolo licks along my lower lip.

“Open your mouth,” he growls.

I instantly obey and brush my tongue against his. He pulls me tight against him, his tongue soft against mine, expertly teasing me, gentle and exploring. I wriggle against him, desperate for more contact. He grips my hips and rolls onto his back, pulling me on top of him, his mouth never breaking contact with mine.

His hands tug at the hem of my shirt, asking permission. I move up to my knees and pull it over my head, tossing it carelessly onto the floor.

“Fuck.”

Diavolo pulls me further up his body and turns his attention to my breasts. He draws one nipple into his mouth, sucking hard and flicking it with his tongue. His hand moves up to cup my other breast, gently stroking and squeezing, before his large fingers start pinching and tugging my nipple, bringing it to a stiff peak. He cups me again, his large palm overstimulating my already sensitive breast.

I card my hands through his hair, tugging slightly and giving a small moan. Diavolo releases my nipple from his mouth with a small pop! and gives me a wicked grin. His hands stroke down my back and move to squeeze my ass. He mouths my neck, teeth nipping against the tender skin.

“Mmmmm. So quiet. Clearly I need to do better. I need you moaning my name. Telling me how good I make you feel. Don’t hold back beautiful. Let me hear you,” he murmurs.

He sucks hard on a particularly sensitive spot on my neck, then soothes it with a soft swipe of his tongue.

“Diavolo!” I shudder against him and he takes the opportunity to lavish more attention on my breasts, kissing and licking, making me squirm above him.

“Mmmm, that’s more like it.” His deep voice sends pleasant vibrations against my skin as he continues to use his mouth on me.

I pull back and look down at him. He’s flushed, breathing quickly, his eyes heavy lidded with desire. “My turn.”

I lightly kiss his lips, moving down his neck slowly. I press sensuous kisses to his chest, licking one of his nipples while I gently scrape the other with my fingernail.

“Yes,” he hisses between clenched teeth, arching beneath me.

I grin against his chest, slowly moving down his body. I scrape my teeth along his abs and give him a soft bite. One large hand moves down to softly tangle in my hair. I stop my kisses at the waistband of his boxers. His erection strains against the fabric, but I’m not going any further without his express permission.

I look up at him through my lashes and give a small tug on his boxers. “Are you ok with this?”

His hand tightens in my hair. “Don’t you dare stop now.”

“Perfect.”

I give his stomach one last kiss and palm him through thin fabric. His hips arch up and he ruts against my hand, the front of his boxers already wet with pre-cum.

I pull his boxers down, slowly freeing his erection. He lifts his hips, speeding the process along. I quickly toss away his discarded boxers, and reach out to stroke him.

He’s huge.

I suddenly have doubts about how he’s going to fit in my.......well anything really. Then Diavolo moans my name and everything else disappears.

I continue to stroke him, relishing the velvet feel of his skin against my hand. I lower my head to give him kitten licks, slowly swiping my tongue against the head of his cock and his slit, lapping up his pre-cum.

“Fuck.” Diavolo fists his hands into my hair. “More. Please.”

It’s a heady feeling, having the prince of the Devildom beneath me and begging for my mouth. I wrap my lips around the head of his cock and begin sucking, continuing to stroke his shaft, my hand moving in rhythm with my mouth.

Diavolo tries to keep his hips still, but he can’t help thrusting up into my mouth, greedy for more contact. I gag, my eyes tearing up, but I continue on, his pleasure the only thing on my mind. I eventually remove my hand, my mouth bobbing up and down on his cock. It’s a messy, sloppy blow job, but from his groans of pleasure I don’t think he minds.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop,” Diavolo breathes, those words somewhere between a plea and a prayer.

I reach between his legs to cup his balls, my mouth still wrapped around his thick cock. His hips buck, his back arching off the bed, and I can feel the muscles in his thighs tighten. He tugs on my hair, pulling me off of him, and I release his cock reluctantly.

“Something wrong?” I ask with a grin, wiping the back of my hand across my mouth.

“If you keep doing that I’m going to cum.” Diavolo’s chest is heaving and he grips my wrists tightly.

I arch an eyebrow at him. “And that’s bad because.......?”

He growls and yanks me up his body. “Because I need to taste you. Now. And when I cum I’m going to cum inside you. I want to see your face when I mark you as mine for the first time.”

He keeps pulling me up until my thighs are resting on either side of his head. He presses a kiss to my inner thigh. “Hold on to the headboard.”

“Wha-? Oh god!” I lose my train of thought as Diavolo gives a sharp bite to the inside of my thigh. He turns his head and brushes kisses along the other.

He brings a finger up and slowly circles my clit.

“So pretty,” he mumbles. “And so wet. Just for me.”

He lazily swipes his finger through my folds, up and down, before returning to press on my clit.

I grip the headboard, panting. “Diavolo..... no teasing.”

He presses one finger into me, stretching me. He strokes slowly, giving me time to adjust to his size.

I whimper and attempt to move my hips. One large hand grabs my thigh, holding me still. Diavolo adds a second finger, stroking in and out, working me into a frenzy.

My grip on the headboard tightens. “Your mouth, use your mouth. Please,” I beg.

Diavolo continues his maddeningly slow pace, pressing his thumb against my clit for further stimulation.

“I can’t hear you princess. Be a little louder for me. Use your words.” He blows a breath of cool air against my heated core and I shiver, tightening around his fingers.

“Diavolo please! I need your mouth on me. Please!” I’m no longer worried about keeping quiet. The whole House of Lamentation could hear me for all I care. My one need is to feel Diavolo’s mouth on my pussy. NOW.

He laughs and gives my thigh one last kiss. “Good girl.” He slowly and deliberately swipes his tongue against my clit.

“Fuck!”

He removes his fingers and presses an open mouth kiss against me, his tongue stroking through my folds. “You taste even better than I imagined you would.

My hips buck. “More,” I mewl helplessly.

Diavolo’s hands grab my hips roughly and he plunges his tongue inside me. I scream, overwhelmed by the sensation. He keeps a firm grip on me, never allowing me to move away. He begins using his hands to guide my hips in an up and down rhythm, his tongue thrusting in and out.

He’s making me fuck his face.

Everything begins to fade around me. Nothing matters but the sensation of Diavolo’s tongue between my thighs.

“Diavolo..........Diavolo I’m going to cum. I’m going to cum.” I’m a whimpering mess, unable to do anything but hold tight to the headboard and let pleasure sweep me away.

He removes his mouth from me long enough to say, “Then cum for me Arianthi. I need you on my tongue.”

His presses a finger against my clit, circling it roughly while he resumes fucking me with his tongue. Tension gathers in my core, tighter and tighter until it finally snaps.

“Diavolo!” I scream, shuddering against him. My vision flashes white as my orgasm takes over. He continues to stroke and lick me through my release, lapping up everything I give him.

I’m trembling when he eases me off of him and lays me back on the mattress. He rolls over on top of me, grinning and looking pleased with himself.

He brings his mouth to mine and gives me a deep kiss. I can taste myself on his tongue, and I moan into the kiss, greedy for more of whatever he wants to give me.

“Good?” he whispers against my lips.

“Try amazing,” I whisper back, lacing my hands behind his neck and bringing him down for another kiss.

He breaks the kiss and laughs, moving to settle his hips between my thighs. He reaches between us to stroke his cock a few times, using the head to tease my already overstimulated clit.

He looks up and meets my eyes. “Is this ok? Do you still want this?”

I nod and tilt my hips up to meet his. “I want this.”

He slowly pushes the head of his cock into my pussy. I tense slightly and he stops.

He’s so big. How is he this big? Are all demons this big? Goddamn Diavolo you could split a girl in half.

Diavolo presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Relax baby. I won’t hurt you. I’ll be so gentle with you.”

My body melts into his, soothed by his sweet words. He continues pressing into me, inch by excruciatingly pleasurable inch.

“You’re so beautiful Arianthi. And so wet for me. Such a tight fit baby. Like you were made just for me. Fuuuuuuuuck...... I love the way you feel.” Diavolo murmurs against my neck, kissing and nuzzling me between endearments.

He lets out a beautifully obscene moan once he’s fully sheathed, and gives me time to adjust to his size. I’m panting, already overwhelmed by the feel of him.

“Are you ok if I move?”

“Fuck yes,” I whisper, rocking my hips against his.

He pulls out, only to thrust back in slowly, drawing out every ounce of pleasure he can. I throw my head back against my pillows and close my eyes, reveling in sensations. His cock inside me, his lips on my neck, the feel of his hair between my fingers, the weight of his body pressing me down into the mattress.

Diavolo continues to slowly thrust, building our mutual ecstasy. I feel his mouth against my ear.

“Look at me,” he orders, nipping at my earlobe.

I gasp and focus my eyes on his face.

“I want your eyes on me princess.” He snaps his hips against mine, increasing his pace. “I want you looking at me when you cum, knowing it’s me that made you feel this way. I don’t want you thinking about Mammon. I want all your attention on me and how good I make you feel.”

“Yes,” I whimper, wrapping my legs around his waist.

“What’s that baby?” Diavolo thrusts into me hard, leaving me gasping for breath.

“Only you Diavolo. Only you,” I cry out.

He gives me a feral grin. “Good girl.”

He deepens his thrusts, grinding against me every time our hips meet. He holds himself up on one forearm, bringing his other hand between us, fingers sliding down my stomach to rub against my clit.

I scream his name, fingertips digging into his shoulders. I’m coming undone, quickly. Diavolo feels me tensing beneath him and kisses me, tongue entering my mouth and mimicking the movements of his cock.

I break away, gasping for air. “Diavolo I’m going to -”

“Me too.” He’s breathless, chasing his own orgasm. He rests his forehead against mine. “Please look at me. I need to see you.”

I open my eyes and he looks down at me, eyes glazed with lust. His hips stutter and his thrusts become sloppy. He pushes into me one last time, and I feel the warmth of his release as he cums, moaning my name. The sensation of his cock twitching inside me sends me over the edge, and I bury my face into his neck as my pussy clenches around his cock.

We’re both breathing hard when I pull back to look at him, and he leans down to repeatedly press soft kisses to my lips. He stays inside me as we kiss and hold each other for a few minutes, reluctant to separate.

“Are you ok?” Diavolo whispers, nose nuzzling my cheek.

“That was ........ I can’t....wow....you’re amazing,” I answer, giggling as his nose tickles me. “Are you ok?”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever felt this happy.” He smiles down at me, giving me one last kiss before he pulls out and stretches out beside me. He curls into the position of big spoon and pulls me tight against his chest, one arm wrapping around me protectively.

He kisses the back of my neck, and pulls the blankets over us. “I think we’ve earned a little rest.”

I nestle back into the warmth of his chest and relax, listening as Diavolo’s breathing becomes slow and even. I close my eyes, settling into the comfort of his body against mine when a sudden noise makes my eyes fly open.

I scan my bedroom before my gaze settles on my door, cracked open, light from the hallway spilling into my room. My eyes fly up and land on the pale face staring at me from the doorway.

Oh, fuck.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mammon wanders the hallways of the House of Lamentation, miserable over the way things had happened at Arianthi’s party. He can’t sleep, sick to his stomach that he had let his jealousy and pride hurt the person that he cared about the most.

I gotta find a way to make this up to her, to show her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. It was so stupid. All I need is a chance to apologize and I’ll promise to never do it again. I just need to get her to listen to me for five minutes so I can give her the birthday present I got her and tell her how I really feel.

A cry catches his attention and he follows the sound to investigate. He ends up in front of Arianthi’s door. It’s barely cracked open and he can hear whimpers coming from inside her room. Worried that she may be sick again he softly pushes the door open a little wider. What he sees makes vomit rise in his throat and tears spill down his cheeks.

Diavolo is on top of Arianthi, thrusting his cock into her slowly and whispering things Mammon can’t hear. What he can hear is Arianthi moaning in pleasure as she writhes beneath Diavolo, bucking her hips up to meet his every thrust. He watches in horror as they cry out in pleasure together, then gently kiss and whisper to each other as they come down from their shared high.

What did I do? Did I fuck up this badly? Or has this been going on right under my nose the whole time? No, no, Arianthi’s not like that. I did this. I pushed her away every time she started to get close. This happened because I fucked up. I didn’t treat her right, I didn’t let her know I cared. This is on me.

Mammon roughly wipes the tears from his cheeks as he watches Diavolo wrap himself around Arianthi and they settle in to sleep. He can hear Arianthi’s sigh of contentment as she cuddles back into Diavolo.

He stares at them a moment longer, something deep and ugly taking root in his chest. Rage, jealousy, pain, love, and regret war inside him, each begging to be released.

That should be me. She’s MY human. MY girl. I’m her FIRST man. That should be ME.

Mammon’s breath catches as Arianthi’s eyes snap open and focus on him. He looks at the person he loves above all others, tears falling openly down his face, as she gazes back at him in shock from the comfort of another demon’s arms.

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full-of-roman-angst-trash · 4 years ago

Text

A Prince’s Room

Part 2

Concept by @yeet-ceit

TW: Unsympathetic Sides (Except for Roman), Perfectionism, Self-Doubt, Cursing, Arguing, Injury? (Roman gets slapped). If I missed any, pleased tell me and I will add it.

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1807

Roman wants to be perfect. No, he needs to be perfect. And part of being perfect is being a good friend. Roman loves the other sides. He loves them more than anything in the world. Even more than Disney and musical theater. His friends are the main reason why his still holding on. He doesn’t want to lose them. He can’t lose them. He won’t survive if he does.

So, to make sure he doesn’t he takes notes. He writes down ways to make sure he’s constantly improving. Any bad habits that the others point out or flaws he writes down and tries to fix.

The lists went on and on. Hung up on the walls of his room to make sure he always remembers. And as time goes on, more and more is added to the list. Every small addition getting him one step closer to perfection.

Remember to keep your voice level normal. Don’t talk too loudly.

Stop being so dramatic, you're taking too much attention away from the others.

Don’t be too confident, it comes off as cocky and no one like someone that’s too cocky.

Don’t rant about your interest for too long it gets annoying and boring.

Don’t be selfish, no one likes a selfish person.

....................

The chart came along a few months later.

Roman had already been taking notes on how to please his friends however he decided to reorganize his notes into a chart. Each side had their own section containing list of what they liked, disliked, what cheered them up, and what upsets them.

Logan

Likes: Crofters, astrology, coffee, books, teaching, silence, human anatomy, schedules, deadlines, Thomas being productive, debating, constellations, being listened to, law, learning, classical music, poetry, Sherlock.

Dislikes: Being ignored, unnecessary emotions, sweets, dumb people, someone being too loud, childish movies, games, being behind schedule, illogical decisions, jokes, unrealistic dreams.

What makes him happy?: Stargazing, writing, meeting deadlines, winning debates, telling random facts, rapping, his onesie, reading, being left alone, being called cool, teaching.

What upsets him?: Being treated as a joke, being teased, being reminded of his mistakes, making mistakes, being ignored or overlooked, losing a debate, feeling dumb.

Patton

Likes: Cookies, drawing, cure animals, compliments, happy songs, seeing his friends happy, t.v shows, helping others, singing, dancing, playing dress up, stuffed animals, gifts, holidays, baking, sweets.

Dislikes: Screaming, loud noises, getting stuff thrown at him, blood, weapons, violence, seeing his friends injured, sad movies and stories.

What makes him happy?: Cuddles, movie nights, being showered with affection, cookies, drawing, karaoke nights, talking about his emotions, playing games with his friends, helping others, his onesie.

What upsets him?: Seeing an animal die, seeing people in pain, being forced to grow up, seeing his friends in hurt, not being able to help someone, disappointing someone, letting Thomas down, letting his emotions control him.

Virgil

Likes: Candles, alternative music, spiders, his hoodie, Tim Burton films, My Chemical Romance, headphones, fidget cubes, staying up late, drama shows, bats, knives, collecting pins.

Dislikes: The ocean, sudden loud noises, cheesy pop music, people that are too optimistic (except for Patton), someone being mean to his friends,

What makes him happy?: Doing makeup, painting his nails, listening to music, Patton’s baking, playing with his pet spider, meditating, watching murder myterious, watching Disney and Tim Burton movies.

What upsets him?: Being put on the spot, being called evil, being treated like an innocent kid, being called a darkside, being called a disorder rejection, talk about serious topics such as suicide and self harm.

Remus

Likes: Gore, blood, mud, fighting, collecting weapons, deodorant, musicals, inappropriate jokes, Fleischer Studios, pranks, dancing, mythical creatures, things that glow in the dark, random t.v shows, horror movie, slime, candy, octopus, skirts, crop tops.

Dislikes: Cheesy love songs, rules, normal food aside from fast food, birds, learning, shaving, reading, romance movies/shows, backstabbers, lying, shaving cream, showers, losing fights.

What makes him happy?: Dissecting stuff, fighting, pranking others, dancing, singing, coming up with outfit ideas, punching stuff, playing with slime, reenacting horror movies, inappropriate jokes, hanging out in his trash can, being pet, Shrek, eating deodorant, someone doing his makeup.

What upsets him?: Being abandoned or left behind, being told he isn’t good enough, being compared to me, seeing Janus upset, seeing Virgil upset, being told to shave.

Janus

Like: Snakes, philosophy, Greek mythology, sewing, horror movies, mystery books, murder documentaries, self care, sleeping, warm baths, weighted blankets, debating, law.

Dislikes: The cold, when someone takes his hat, dumb comedy movies, eagles, action movies, unnecessary violence or gore, close minded people, liars, sharing secrets, being vulnerable.

What makes hims happy?: Massages, weighted blankets, cuddling, hanging out with Remus, acting, having debates, seeing Remus and Virgil playfully argue, watching murder mysteries, singing.

What upsets him?: Being called evil, being ignored, seeing Remus or Virgil upset, Thomas not taking care of himself, being replaced, being left behind, people not understanding him, someone making fun of his scales, taking off his gloves.

....................

“Come on pussy! Let’s just march into his room, what’s the worse that could happen?”

“Language!” Patton quickly scolds Remus.

“What if he’s in there and he screams at us for barging in?! What if he gets really mad and chooses to get physical!? What if we see something we don’t want to!? What if he’s asleep and he get mad that we woke him up!? What if-”

“Virgil,” Logan interrupts the panicking side, “Your anxiety is causing you to catastrophize. Please, take a deep breath and try to filter out your cognitive distortion.”

The anxious side nods and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself.

“Now, I would like to add that I personally believe that Remus’ plan isn’t the worst idea ever and is currently the best one we have.” The logical side states.

“Well, while I love to agree with Remus, he is wrong in this instance,”

Remus smirks widely, “Awe! Thanks Jany~ You’re too generous~”

The deceitful side rolls his eyes, “Let’s just go.”

“Fine,” Virgil stands up, looking rather done with everything.

The rest of the sides stand up as well and begin to make their way to the prince’s room.

Once they make it to his door, Remus immediately just breaks the door down and lets himself in.

“Surprise!”

They walk in, greeted only by silence.

“He isn’t here?” Patton mumbles to himself.

“Doesn’t look like it. Let’s not go then.”

The other sides nod and start making their way out. Well, everyone except for Logan.

The logical side instead gets distracted by a paper stabled to the wall. He walks over to it and reads it to himself. Once he’s done reading his looks around the room and notices all the papers on the wall. As well, as the lack of theater and Disney merchandise.

“Wait, doesn't Roman’s room look,” He pauses to search for the right words, “Wrong?”

The other sides stop walking and looks around.

“Now that you mention it,” Remus mumbles, “His room has changed a lot since I last saw it...”

The other start reading through the endless papers of tips to improve himself and advice.

Suddenly Patton stops in front of a chart titled “Duties”

He slowly goes over it and buy the time he is done he is fuming with rage.

“What the hell!? Guys come look at this!”

The others go over, slightly amused and concerned.

Each of them take turns analyzing the chart.

Roman had spend his day at the Imagination. After the whole wedding accident, he’s been stuck in a very toxic place and well he thought a small guest might help. So, he left early in the morning and began his guest. He hadn’t meant to stay there for as long as he did but he lost track of time.

“Kiddo, we have a lot to talk about,” Patton mumbles in a passive aggressive tone.

....................

As the tired side starts approaching his room, he notices that all the either sides are gathered outside his room. Once he’s a bit closer, Virgil is the first to notice him. To his shock though, Virgil rushes to him and slaps him

“Roman, what the fuck!?”

Roman stands there shocked for a few minutes before looking at Patton, expecting to hear him scold Virgil. Instead however, Patton just look away from him.

“ANSWER ME!”

“I-...” Roman bites his lip to hold back the tears in his eyes, “I-I don’t understand... W-what did I do....?”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING!?”

The prince-like-side flinches and looks down.

Remus puts a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, "Let me handle this.”

For some reason, Roman thought that Remus would be on his side. He thought that if anyone understood what he was trying to do, it would be his brother. Or that his brother would at least explain what happened and let him tell his part of the story.

So, he looked up with a hopeful expression.

“Don’t look at me like that. What the fuck is wrong with you!? If you think we were such a hassle then why did you stay friends with us!?”

Any hope that Roman had immediately leaves his body, “I-I... I never said that! Where is this coming?!”

“DON’T BULLSHIT ME, ROMAN!” Remus summons his morning star, “WE SAW THE FUCKING CHART! SO, WHAT!? WE’RE NOTHING MORE THAN “DUTIES” TO YOU!?”

The usual confident side is now frozen in shock. They weren’t supposed to see that chart. They weren’t supposed to see his room at all. If Roman was being honest, he could understand why they took the chart the wrong way. The name of it wasn’t exactly the best but it was all he could think of while actually making it. Now though, he wished he would have pushed himself to think of a better name.

“N-No! You got it all wrong!” He is now crying, flinching away from his brother, “I was just trying to make you guys happy!”

Remus scoffs and puts his weapon away. He walks away from Roman and returns to Janus’ side.

“Whatever, Roman.”

His knees give out and he falls to the floor in defeat.

“I would greatly appreciate if you keep your distance from Patton and I from now on. If you fail to do so, I can’t exactly guarantee that I will be nice. Goodbye Roman.”

“Fucking pussy.” Remus throws out.

And just like that Logan sinks down with a crying Patton.

“And I thought I was the snake,” Janus adds, looking at him in pure disgust.

Then, they’re gone.

For a few seconds Virgil stares at the broken prince in front of him.

“You really are an idiot.”

He looks away from him and sinks down with a scoff leaving the weeping prince on the floor.

Alone.

....................

#my writing #unsympathetic light sides #unsympathetic dark sides #unsympathetic virgil #unsympathetic deceit #unsympathetic logan #unsympathetic patton #unsympathetic remus #unsympathetic sides #tw perfectionism #perfectionism tw #tw cursing #cursing tw #tw arguing #arguing tw #tw self doubt #self doubt tw #tw slapping #slapping tw

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ask-impure-vessel · 4 years ago

Note

I don't know if this will reach you at the right moment in time Vessel but, peace friend, The Wyrm has already shown he cares for you greatly and you have done him no disservice or wrong. This may simply a matter too important to discuss elsewhere and His Majesty may be too caught up in his own troubles to understand the affect he has on you.

[Note: Frank discussion of anatomy, anxiety/panic attacks, unreality, post-traumatic stress, past abuse, suicide, disordered eating, self-harm, stuff about the Abyss with all that entails and other such unpleasantries. Strap in, folks!]

The vessel felt like their body was somewhere a few steps to the right and back of them. Their father said nothing as he led them down to the workshop.

You don’t understand. You don’t-

There’s a distant panic in Vessel’s voice. They still keep walking, they must. The order was given. Despite what happened in the Abyss, control still belongs to the Pale King.

It was as if nothing had changed at all.

For the first time, they begin to resent that. The workshop is the last place they want to be, for multiple reasons besides the temple that was to become their agonizing grave. This is not a place that holds any good memories for them, not a single one.

They arrive in that darkened place, the birthplace of moulds, all thousand of them-700 kingsmoulds, 300 wingsmoulds-where Wyrm's research led to the vessels that rested in the infirmary and that walked into the room. The king shrugged off his silken robe, leaving on a shirt that still covered what was considered a decent amount in Hallownest, showing off the truth of his form; it had been a while and Vessel Hallow was shocked by the changes to his father's form.

He was a being of pure white carapace, plates with softer flesh between, especially around the joints; his skin was sunken, his belly not just thin but almost concave instead of convex. He looked a bit muscular, but mostly because he appeared to be starving. He was dull in color, the white often not as bright as it could be, looking almost dirty with a lack of nutrients to look glossy and nice.

Wyrm could subsist on soul like a vessel, but that didn't mean it was pleasant for him to do so. He was much like other bugs in physicality, fueled by food, water and having to use the toilet to flush out what his body didn't use of those things. His genitals were internal, just like any bug, his shirt covered where that was hidden.

His secondary set of arms were more visible now, as was the lower half he usually ambled upon: multiple legs and a long tail that terminated in a pointed end. His tail was thin, almost collapsed with the lack of care.

What was more alarming were the splotches of black. His hands were absolutely covered in it, just beyond the wrists but the lines that raced upwards were far more concerning. Void taint was a part of Hallow's body but for a pale being, such a sight promised long, lingering agony. The absolute rigid calm their father practiced suddenly became a lot more impressive.

It left Hallow in minor shock.

Father, are you dying? Have you already assured your death? Was it on purpose that you inflicted starvation and void poisoning upon yourself? I can think of few less painful, lingering deaths.

"Come. Please kneel so that I can more easily examine you and the changes to you." He activated the door seals and waited in a clear space.

<Father, I-> The vessel walked and knelt, words cutting off with anxiety.

Wyrm activated and checked on the seal on Hallow's mask. "Interesting, joining with the Lord of Shades didn't disengage this? I hadn't expected that. It must have been greatly weakened over the course of my rule and being forgotten. I had thought them already dead." He muttered and began to ghost fingers over the notches Hallow had. "Where did the Kingsoul go?"

That had been a question Hallow had been dreading.

A hand touched upon Hallow's chest. "There it is, if changed greatly at your breast. It became your core? Brace."

It was more warning than Hallow usually got; sharp pain radiated through their being, as something touched their heart.

<Father, it. It hurts.> The vessel gasped out. They were not words sufficient, but they were descriptive enough for their use.

"Please bear it a little longer. This is a very beautiful charm that has become your heart even if it is taboo to my being."

The pain grew to shocking agony, then to a fading sensation, Hallow felt like their body was a distant, cut off thing.

<Father, please. Stop!> The vessel spoke in growing horror, fear and concern.

The Pale King was faced with a decision then-and let go of the charm. Sensation slowly returned and the vessel gasped on the floor, curling in on themself on the floor as mind and body reconnected. It was painful as the disruption the Pale King had inflicted and the vessel would have gagged if they could on the feelings of revulsion they now felt.

They instead wept on the floor, black tears falling onto the ground as they shivered and their mind turned to things they did there, the pale Wyrm unheeding to a child's pain in the terrible silence; the screams that echoed only through the void, the vessel capable only of displaying stiff trembling to their master.

They recall the efforts to ensure they could learn magic. The painful process of 'installation' over being taught the theory that took place here. The studies that involved dying here and their shade. When the various seals were made on their shell and mask, the burning magic that had kept burning on their mask for days from them. They had done nothing but suffer in this room and this day had proven no different.

"Vessel, I. I'm sorry, that went too far." The king stroked their mask, making a soothing sound, a purr that Hallow hadn't heard before.

Hallow felt the dam burst and sat as they cried, for all the things they'd wanted and had never had. That Wyrm was holding them now, comforting them now, touching with loving intention rather than with cold intent of science or with violence. The feelings were somewhat positive, but many were bitter, some even bordered on hate and disgust that they didn't know what to do with. They had so many things to say, for themself, for the things that had been done to them and the things they'd missed out on. For the way their father had run away the moment their emotions had become known like a damnable coward. That had been a choice Hallow had been denied, they couldn't say no-yet this day, for the first time, they had asked for their father to stop.

And he had listened.

The Pale King let Hallow get out everything they'd needed to, to calm down and recover from… whatever it was that he'd been doing to them. <This one doesn't want to be experimented on again, or studied. This place, it brings back bad memories for it.> Hallow spoke, in a shaking mental voice. <It is painful for this vessel to be here.>

"Oh, Vessel. I had no idea it was that upsetting. Let's go to my study, then so you don't have to be here. You never have to come in here again." The King promised and led the shaking knight from that terrible place.

They settled down in a chair this time, the king likewise going seated. "I will apologize. That was too far, I needed to explain what I was doing and why-to ask for your permission. It's not easy to break old habits. I noticed you dropped first-person pronouns in your stress." He spoke frankly with sadness.

<This one supposes not. It felt like it was… dying.> Hallow shuddered. <Did you pull this vessel away to speak, or was it to satisfy that curiosity?> They asked tiredly.

"A bit of both, admittedly. To ask you how you're feeling, but that's… obvious, right now and is very much my doing." He sighed and leaned forward. "I'll have to be invasive one more time, I'm afraid but perhaps not this day, to let you recover. I need to set you free and I intend to."

<You'll… free this one from its bondage?> Hallow rephrased in mild disbelief.

"Yes. As my final order in that bondage, for the rest of your life should something happen and I am unable to undo that binding-I order you to act of your own free will and feelings, as you see fit and judge is right. I relinquish control over your will and mind. There will need to be magic done to completely remove the binding, but it will no longer function."

<It will thank you, father once this one is wholly free.> Hallow spoke diplomatically. They couldn't exactly forgive him entirely yet if the harm was still there.

"I understand. You are a higher being now, truly. While you could read the language of the gods and make things function that are for gods, you didn't have a few aspects that would elevate you from a child of higher beings to purely one yourself. However, you do not have worshippers and as much distaste as I have for the god that was, that will need to change for your own health."

<That must be why the Lord of Shades said they were very, very starved. Speaking of, father. Why are you starved?> The vessel spoke pointedly. <This one believes they can ask some pointed questions and get answers in return. You owe it at least that much.>

"I. Eating is a currently disgusting endeavor to me. Certainly, I did like it once and ate but. Since the vessel project started, my. My enjoyment became nil." He replied honestly. "My shame steals the joy out of anything I do."

"I do not regret having you for a child. I regret that I killed so many and the crimes committed against the siblings who didn't make it. I regret how I've treated you. I don't know if I could make it up to the survivors but I will at the least try for the time I have and make sure your siblings do not go through the struggles you did." The king chose his words carefully. "I believed I had no other recourse. No other choice that wouldn't see my people dead or entirely enslaved to the Old Light-but I do not think I deserve forgiveness for being a kinslayer, for my mistreatment of you. I have been something to you for sixteen years. Would have been that for two years more, so you could have your final moulting and complete your training. I would have nailed that armor to your carapace and left you to her tender mercies. In that, I was wrong. I intended to kill myself once I was sure my people were safe and could carry on in my absence."

<It knows. It realized that when it went down into the Abyss before becoming the Shade Lord.> The vessel spoke, voice thick with pain. <You're dying, aren't you father. That's why you don't mind sacrificing yourself to the Grimm Troupe either. You are dying and you want to die.>

"I've done too much to live or to allow myself the pleasures in living. The situation in Hallownest is my fault. Your pain is my fault. The many, many broken masks in the Abyss are my fault. I am a kinslayer, who committed infanticide of his own children. Even a god doesn't get forgiveness for those kinds of horrible actions. I deserve the suffering you children experienced. I deserve the deaths I visited upon the children I deemed not good enough. Yes. I am suffering void poisoning, it is an agony I bear constantly. My light holds it at bay enough that I can live five more years without drastic actions." He spoke bluntly.

"Exposure to void with proper protections isn't deadly. A bug can be scarred by void without dying, in fact the exposure can have beneficial effects such as on the ageless mask maker. Void poisoning in mild cases caught early enough is treatable. So I suppose yes. I did that to myself deliberately." He spoke numbly. "It's… actually a relief to admit that. I wasn't expecting that."

<It's not treatable now. You're dying. How long do you have left?> Hallow felt like the ground was opening beneath their feet.

"No, even I will succumb to a case this severe having gone on this long. Five to seven years, depending." Wyrm spoke clinically. "Your mother doesn't know, but she's not very curious and finds my company odious these days. I don't want her to know."

<You aren't the only one. Would you die as a member of the Grimm Troupe?> Hallow pondered.

"No, time is frozen in a sense for a member of the Troupe. As a sacrifice, my original body would likely be immolated, the presence of void cast out as anathema to it as well. It's not got a will of its own so expelling it for the Nightmare Heart would be doable. It's just not for me between having a corpus much closer to mortal form and my diminishment as a god."

Hallow rubbed a hand over their chest. <Father, please free this vessel today. Now.> It was firm. <This vessel just wants to love you as themself. Not as your property, as your child. Whatever you have done, it does not know if it can forgive, but love. Love is something this vessel has always been able to give.>

The first time Hallow had ever demanded anything for themself and only themself.

Tears came from the king's eyes. "As you wish, Lord of Shades my child."

The bindings lit up as the king touched, claws digging into the mask with a strange sensation that felt like it should hurt but didn't. The light burned, the mark burned. But the claws were quick, chanting even and fast. Soul pooled around the king's hands.

The chains broke and Hallow felt a weight come off, something they hadn't realized had been there for a very long time. The remnants would be there, like an invisible scar until they moulted, but then-then it would be gone.

It would take time for them to understand what they'd gained and lost at once. <Today I learned that this one's father is not brave. Please. Please live. Even if your crimes are too much for your heart to bear. Stop running away. Please. Face what you have done, face us who you have wronged. It's not too late.>

"...I can try. I love you, my child." He touched foreheads with Hallow, a familial kiss. "For all you vessels, I will try. I don't know how anymore, but I can still learn."

Hallow is not an adult. They are, however, now free of their father's chains.

#hollow knight #hk pure vessel #hk pale king #the choice

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angstyaches · 4 years ago

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Oooh, could you possibly do "Have you eaten today?" for the prompt meme?

Thank you for this, anon! (Sorry it took so long, *gulp*.) This is while Shayne’s at the Aldridge townhouse, still settling in and getting to know Felix.

I HAVE written the conversation Shayne has with Ryan. Please let me know if you’re interested in seeing that posted soon!

CW: hunger, disordered eating, past trauma, food issues, angst.

When to stop talking, and when to start

(Three Boys in a Townhouse)

Shayne stopped at the bottom of the stairs, rubbing at his eyes and shivering. He’d only come down for some water, but now it seemed he was having auditory hallucinations. The TV in the front room of the Devine’s mansion had never worked, but there was a low hum of unfamiliar voices and applause and music leaking from the direction of the front room, and –

He looked around as he took his hands away from his eyes. The hallway walls were painted crisp white, lit only by a boxy white lamp on an iron dresser; if he were back with the Devines, he’d be looking at Madelyn’s antique display cabinet against a burgundy wall, lit by a handful of candles, if lit at all. But he was miles away, in the Aldridge townhouse.

A low groan of confusion escaped from deep in his chest. He was dizzy and a bit nauseous, now that he took a moment to check in with himself. He rubbed half-consciously at a dull ache in his belly, stopping himself when he realised someone could come into the hallway and see him at any time.

You think your petty ailments matter in the grand scheme of things? The sound of Madelyn’s voice was as clear in his head as it had been in whatever dream had disoriented him. Shayne cleared his throat and tried to look more alive than he felt as he turned left at the end of the stairs, towards the kitchen.

He wasn’t sure if it was the solid day of study or the intense twenty-minute nap he’d just woken up from, but something had seriously messed up his head, along with his body. He felt like he was either going to retch or feel his knees buckle under him at any second, and he just wanted to grab a drink quickly, and get back upstairs before he bumped into Elliott, or Nancy, or Ryan, or especially –

“Oh, hey, Shayne!”

The kitchen was as monochromatic as every other room in the house, with white lighting that was almost offensive. Shayne wasn’t used to seeing the corners of furniture, the details in floor and wall tiles, so clearly. It was like an assault on his senses and didn’t help with the queasy ache in his stomach.

He blinked at the sight of Felix, and again at the smell of food cooking. It must have been earlier in the evening than he’d thought. The air was mostly full of the smell of hot oil, and a lot of steam that was coming from a stocky white contraption next to the microwave.

Felix had been standing near the white appliance and checking his phone, but had looked up at the sudden movement in the doorway.

“Evening,” he said, a soft smile splitting his face.

“Hey,” Shayne said, unable to suppress a shiver. He hadn’t realised just how cold he was until he felt the warmth in the air from food being cooked. He shoved his hands into his pockets, wishing the kitchen had been empty. “Sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a minute.”

“Aw, buddy, you can be in my way all you like.” Felix laid his phone down on the countertop and casually folded his arms. “We nearly straight-up forgot you were in the house. You’ve been revising all day?”

“Pretty much.” Shayne felt Felix watching him as he took down a glass and went to fill it up from the sink. He took a few sips to try to calm the weird shakiness, but the sensation of the cold liquid running down made him shiver again.

“Yeah, its chilly tonight,” Felix said, as though agreeing with something Shayne had said aloud. “Elli and I have got a fire going in the front room. You could bring your books downstairs and study down here, unless the TV would be too distracting.”

Shayne took another sip of water, his hand weirdly unsteady, as he considered the offer. Being near a fire sounded nice, but it wasn’t the TV he was most concerned about being in a room with. Elliott had seemed so cold the past few days, and Shayne didn’t know how to deal with him. Another reason he’d been basically isolating himself in his room.

“I know it probably seems like he’s annoyed and doesn’t want to see you,” Felix admitted, as though he’d somehow read Shayne’s mind. “But Elliott’s just – he’s reluctant to make the first move, after everything. He can be stubborn as hell sometimes. I guess you’ve got that in common, and that’s why you clash horns so often.”

Shayne lifted his head in surprise, the shakiness in his bones suddenly feeding into panicked defensiveness. “I’m not stubborn. Am I?”

“Um, of course not. What was I thinking?” Felix visibly chewed his lip and turned his gaze away. “I think I know the answer to this, bud, but have you eaten today?”

Shayne shook his head slightly. He hadn’t, but he was fine with that. He didn’t want to ask anything of the Aldridges, aside from the space he’d been given to use. Space couldn’t be used up; he could leave the bedroom in the exact same state he’d found it in. It’d be like he was never there, eventually, and he wouldn’t have to feel that he owed them anything.

He’d been feeling so sick and stressed that the thought of food genuinely wasn’t appealing anyway; in fact, the lack of food in his system should have reduced the nausea that had been coming and going since he’d arrived at the townhouse, but somehow it hadn’t.

“You know you…” Felix grimaced and trailed off, seeming unsure of whether he was supposed to laugh now or not.

Shayne gulped against a swelling sensation in his chest. The flash of sympathy he’d just seen in Felix’s eyes reminded him way too much of Charlie’s questions, Charlie’s attempts to feed him, Charlie’s soft expression as he tried to understand. The hollow ache in the pit of his stomach seemed to sharpen slightly; damn it, he’d almost lasted the whole day without letting himself dwell on Charlie…

“You know you’re allowed to eat, right?” Felix finally finished, lowering his voice. “The kitchen’s not just here for show.”

“I – yeah, I know,” he tried to say matter-of-factly. His hands burrowed into the pockets of his jeans and his shoulders tensed so suddenly that they ached.

“You can eat with us in a little while, if you’re hungry,” Felix offered.

Eating with Felix and Elliott. Eating with two whole people; being near them while he put food in his mouth and chewed it up and swallowed it. One person he barely knew and didn’t know how to act around, and one person who pretty thought he was a psychopath. The whole thing sounded like a horror movie scenario.

“Thanks,” he said flatly, gulping against the fear gurgling up the back of his throat. “I’m not hungry.”

“That’s a shame, it’s just – I forgot that Nancy would be out tonight,” Felix went on, glancing towards the white appliance, which was expelling a lot less steam than it had been before, “so I’ve actually made more than enough for the three of us, especially since Elli eats so little nowadays. I always overestimate how much rice I need to make.”

Shayne lowered his gaze again at the mention of Elliott’s name, but looked up again at the white appliance on the countertop. “That thing is for rice?”

“Oh – yeah, you’ve never seen one of these?” Felix’s eyes lit up a little as he looked at the machine too. “It makes the rice come out sooo soft and fluffy, you have no idea. I fried some chicken earlier to go with it.”

Shayne suddenly recognised the sharp ache that had crept down under his ribs and seemed to have wrapped itself around his insides. He moved a hand from the pocket of his jeans and into the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing – Charlie’s – so he could put a little pressure on his stomach.

“My friend Kazu’s older sister taught me how to fry chicken. It’s called karaage in Japanese,” Felix was continuing. “I definitely don’t do it justice, but I like to think I’ve perfected it in my own way over the years. The coating is just slightly crispy, and the chicken stays juicy on the inside. It goes so well with the rice.”

Shayne held his breath and stared at the black and white floor tiles. He really wanted to think of something to say as he felt his stomach start to cramp.

He wanted words to come out of his mouth and distract from what he knew was coming, but his mind went completely blank except for the hot sting of embarrassment.

The deep, traitorous rumble started under his ribs, and even when he pressed his hand a little harder against his belly, the sound still swelled. The pain twisted deeper into his stomach too, making it hard not to wince.

“Are you okay?” Felix asked quietly, after letting a couple of seconds of silence pass over.

Shayne glanced up, his skin still feeling hot with shame at being caught, not only in the lie about not being hungry, but also in this state of needing something. Felix’s easy smile made the tension in his shoulders loosen slightly.

“How about I put some food aside for you to take up to your room?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Shayne said quickly, scratching at his neck. Despite everything, he had to admit to himself that he felt a bit… relieved, at the thought of being able to eat alone.

“I do, actually.” Felix pointed to his own ears. “Even half-vamps have heightened senses, buddy. Elli and I won’t get any sleep if your stomach’s gonna growl like that all night.”

The humiliation clawed at Shayne’s skin like a physical thing, so overpowering that he thought he was going to finally retch. Madelyn’s voice played over his own thoughts again, her tone so sharp it made him jump on the spot.

If you love making stuff disappear down that throat of yours so much, why don’t you make yourself useful and make sure it’s a demon? Instead of wasting actual food and making a pathetic weakling of yourself –

“I’m kidding, bud.” Felix leaned his elbows on the island in the middle of the kitchen and tilted his head to smile up at him. “Hey, I’m really sorry. Okay? I’m – I’m just an idiot over here, not knowing when to stop talking...”

The end of Felix’s sentence melted off into a chuckle, though it sounded off. Heavy. It didn’t sound like Felix. Shayne’s shoulders tensed again as he realised it was his fault. If he could figure out when to start talking, maybe people wouldn’t get so uncomfortable around him.

His belly started to growl again, though this time he just placed his hand over it, feeling a bit defeated. Felix’s gaze flicked up and he gave Shayne a weak half-smile.

“If I leave food for you, will you eat it?”

Shayne tried to make himself nod, but when he finally managed to, he also found that tears had sprung to his eyes. He gulped and fought them back, but couldn’t stop his hands from shaking; though he was no longer sure if it was from emotion, or the cold, or the hunger that was clearly sapping his energy. He folded his arms tightly across his middle and stared at the floor tiles again.

“You should...” Felix trailed off, and didn’t start again until Shayne reluctantly met his gaze. “You should talk to Ryan about - about whatever. She acts a bit like a robot, but she’s understanding, and - well, she’s good at fixing problems.”

Shayne nodded wordlessly, curling his arms a little tighter against his stomach as another noisy vibration began. He let himself let out a small groan this time, reckoning it was better than awkward silence.

“I’ll leave yours in the microwave,” Felix said, standing up from where he’d been leaning over the countertop. “You can go, if you don’t want to be here when Elliott comes out.”

Shayne glanced towards the kitchen door, already feeling a little anxious at the thought of seeing Elliott. But like Felix had said, Elliott probably wasn’t going to make the first move, so maybe... maybe Shayne had to.

“It’s okay, I’ll wait,” he said, swallowing hard as he met Felix’s gaze again. “Do, um, do you need help with anything?”

#hunger #hunger fic #swallow the world #three boys in a townhouse #shayne #felix #food #prompt #stomach growls #disordered eating #angst

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fake-wizard · 4 years ago

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How did you become a trans terf? This is really interesting!

Thank you for this question because I can now delay watching my lectures for like 30 min.

I got tumblr my freshman year, started my deep dive into the realm of tumblr’s lgbtqianpd+++ stuff. I did a bunch of ace discourse as an “inclusionist” then as an “exclusionist”, started iding as nonbinary demiboy, ace/aro, he/they, got a binder i think during the winter of my sophomore year and came out to a couple friends as nb. Went more towards ftm. Started dating my current boyfriend winter of my junior year, told him I was id’ing as ftm (he’s bisexual, didn’t matter) and the rest of my friends, changed my name and pronouns socially. Start of my senior year I told my family and had them change pronouns and name as well. My bday is in October, so turned 18 and was going to start testosterone.

By the winter of that year however, I had been hate-reading a lot of “terf” blogs. And what I found was that I could not argue against what they were saying. I was experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance about it all, repeating the same mantras but knowing they didn’t quite add up.

Specifically about: If sexuality is based on an internal sense of gender, how can you be attracted to anyone until they tell you what gender they are? If a lesbian sees a woman and she says “i’m ftm” does that mean the lesbian is now a bisexual because they were “attracted to a man” or is a switch supposed to flip and they stop being attracted? If sexism is based on “being perceived as a woman/passing as a woman” then why do butches who pass as men still experience sexism? If being gay is about “being perceived as gay in society” then wouldn’t that make all the homosexual couples historically who passed as hetero for safety suddenly become actual literal heteros? If transmen have male privilege, why are they not represented in politics, are targetted for sexual abuse by straight men, and need access to abortion just like women do? If transwomen don’t have male privilege, why are they the main voices of the movement? They can reap all the benefits of a male life for 50 years, and then suddenly none of that mattered? If me and my boyfriend’s relationship is “gay” now that i id’d as ftm, how come we could legally get married and adopt in any country in the world? I was raised being told I Should like and date men, I never once believed my attraction to men was a sin, and gay men experience the Exact Opposite, so how could we both possibly be gay men? Why do transwomen have male patterns of violence? Why have I only ever heard of stories of transwomen abusing transmen, and not the other way around? Is it possible to only be attracted to the same sex? To say no is to say that it’s possible for all women to like dick, which is obviously fucked up. What is so different about a man and a transwoman that means a lesbian is supposed ot like the latter? Why can’t anybody define women? first woman, then female, then afab, the goalpost kept moving. What is there to being a woman besides being female, isn’t all that extra stuff just stereotypes? When my sister is distressed with her body and denied herself food, or I cut myself, that’s a bad thing because it hurts your body, but hrt and a mastectomy hurt your body, they even risk killing you, but that’s okay? I took a sociology class and it’s clear socialization effects behavior - but somehow magically trans people grow up uneffected by it? If socialization can influence women to wear makeup, dress, and act in specific ways that arent’ innate, and cause higher rates of eating disorders, couldn’t it effect dysphoria as well?

And so much more!!!

And that’s only on the trans side - I also had my eyes opened to the horrors of pornography and prostitution, the rates of domestic violence, and all the other terrible sex-based oppression that women are subjected to globally. There is so much more to being a radfem than the trans issues too.

So for two years (winter of my senior year to winter of my college’s high school year) I decided not to transition. I engaged with radfem tumblr and talked about all these things with my female friends in person as well, it was like getting a huge weight off my shoulders too. And it really did help lessen my dysphoria to an extent. I came up with a long list of coping mechanisms to employ for dysphoria as well.

But by this february, I was just so tired of that. I still supported everything I say about radical feminism, about sex based oppression, protecting homosexuals, and the dangers of medical transition. But dysphoria is just this constant painful presence day in and day out, and I pursued medical transition in february. I applaud every woman who chooses not to transition, and ultimately view transitioning as giving in, because I can no longer be a role model to young dysphoric women, who shows them that you don’t need to transition.

At this point, I love my body more than ever and I can’t imagine regretting these changes really. I will miss connecting with women the way I used to, especially as a woman in science, but the women in my life from before transition will always see me as one of them still, and I appreciate that.

The way I see it, words don’t hurt me at all, they are immaterial, and as a scientist I value coherent definitions, and I understand the realities of sex. So my goal with transition is to pass as male in society and to alter the parts of my body that bring me distress - I know i’m not literally male. And I think all trans people need to get to the point where they understand that, it really helps mentally.

And I’ll always think, maybe if i had different friends (half of my friends understand, half think i am or would think i am an evil terf) or was dating a woman instead of a man (i’m bisexual, thought i was hetero in highschool (but called myself a gay man lmao), and dating someone with the same body seems like a big deal in handling dysphoria), if i tried harder with my coping mechanisms, if I saw a therapist who understood all this and didn’t just encourage me to do whatever I wanted, maybe i wouldn’t be transitioning. But I’m happy now, so that’s what I focus on as mattering to me, and that’s what I want to pursue.

I do caution others from doing the same though.

Also tangent at the end here, I call myself “trans” because I’m medically transitioned. To me, “cis v trans” makes no sense and is sexist. But “dysphoric vs not dysphoric” or “medically transitioned vs not medically transitioned” make more sense to me.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

Text

Survey #423

“i won’t think about you when i’m older / ‘cuz we never really had our closure”

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? Neither. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? My late grandmother's husband stayed overnight when he was driving from New York to Florida or the other way around, idr. How many long term relationships have you been in? Two. Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? My snake's heat lamp stays on. Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? My dad. Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I don't think I've even heard one of her songs. Do you know your blood type? A-. Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. Have you got your period at the moment? I haven't had my period since I started TMS. It's honestly so fucking frustrating that it obviously had an effect on my body, but not my depression. I've officially finished TMS as of a few days ago and now I just feel so void of hope. Have you ever been pregnant? No. How old were you when you first went on a plane? Idr, I was a little kid. Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Not me personally, but my parents have for my education that I threw away. Are both of your blood parents still in your life? Yes. I don't see my dad a lot, but he's still in my life regardless. When was the last time you went apple picking? I’ve never been. Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? Happiness. Have you ever been drunk at school or work? I have not. How many bedrooms are in your house? Three. Are you smart about computers? Not really, no. Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? Yes. My sister loved them, so we have a few. Do you own a Xbox 360? No. I'm a PlayStation girl. Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? No. I'd be mortified. So, do you need a nap? I really should take one. I slept like... maybe three hours last night. I was up most of the night having a fucking life crisis. What would you rather be doing? Something fun. What sport are you the best at? I haven't touched any sort of sport since I was a teenager. Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Yeah, Nicole. Do you complain a lot? Kind of, but I generally try to keep it in surveys nowadays. I'm just tired of shit. Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? Ohhh, tough pick, but I've gotta say the ancient temple. Do you like fruity or minty gum? Both, really. Are you looking forward to any day of this month? Well July is practically over, so I'll answer for August. I'm looking forward to my nephew's birthday. Have you ever gotten detention? A few times for getting too many morning tardies in high school. Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? Definitely. Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? The latter. Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? Powerwolf did recently. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I could write a college-length essay on why meerkats do not make good pets whatsoever. Do fucking not get one. I can barely fathom how it's legal in some countries. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I've gagged. Who is your best guy friend? Girt. What do you two do when you hang out? Mostly just watch TV and play board games. What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? I dunno, really. Do you even like horror movies? I love horror movies. Do you live in the country? I wish I still did. :/ Me and Mom hate hate hate living in these suburbs. What is your favorite accent? British. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? Coke. Pepsi is gross. What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? I was literally in the psych hospital for my 21st birthday lmao. It's kind of a painful memory, but I also won't forget the love and kindness people showed me. I especially remember the friend I made there getting the lunch lady to literally go and buy me a slice of cake. Everyone also sang happy birthday to me and gaaaah I'm getting emotional. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? That was my dad's drink of choice when he drank. Do you take a lot of pictures? Unless I have my camera and am somewhere pretty, no. What kind of face wash do you use? Water, lol. Does drama always seem to follow you? Nah. Does anybody in your family race? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” Uhhh... I want to say $2 or something? I might be way off, idr. How long do you want to live with your parents? I WISH I could have moved out with an s/o already, but that's just not how life's worked out. Do you have a laptop or desktop? I have a laptop. Do you like your parents? I love them. Do you secretly like someone? It's not a secret, no. Would you ever date your best male friend? Tried that once and it didn't work out. I liked him more as like a brother. What are you currently listening to? "Better Than Me" by Hinder. I really need to turn it off, but I can't make myself. Do you want to be single? I really wish I had a partner to love and motivate me to strive to do better, but I know it's better I'm single right now. I'd just relive the Jason situation, I'm sure. I'd just drag the person down and lose them. Did you go out or stay in last night? I'm almost always at my fucking house not doing shit, so. Have you pretended to like someone? No, that sounds pretty stupid... How is your heart lately? Hurting. A lot. Are you wearing socks? I hate wearing socks and I'm in bed anyway, so no. What do people call you? Britt, mostly. Do you get stressed out easily? VERY. Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? No. What is wrong with you right now? Where the hell to begin. Do you own something from Hot Topic? A lot. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With someone, so long as the bed is big enough to comfortably fit two of us. Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No. I'm certain he wants nothing to do with me. Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Sadly. Did you get any compliments today? Definitely not. I look and feel like a wreck right about now. There's nothing to praise me about. Have you ever gone to a beach? Many times. What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? Unless it was an edible, no. I'd do almost anything to try and make me feel better right now, even if just for a little while, but I'm unwilling to smoke anything. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? HELL no. Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Honestly, no. Do you have long nails? No; I never do because I have an awful habit of picking at them. Do you like the gender you are? I don't like or dislike it, honestly. I'm just neutral. Do you generally look nice in photos? HA. Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? No. What colour are your father’s eyes? They're dark brown. If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? Ozzy, duh. Name three facts about your family? We're very, very spread out geographically, some of us (in other words, me) are emotionally distant, and uh... idk. Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? Only if it was a certain person, our lives were more on track, and we were making plans for either of us to move soon. What’s the most thoughtful present you’ve ever received? Probably this really long letter my mom wrote for me on my bday a couple years ago. What’s your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? I played the flute for many years, all through middle school and through much of high school. Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? Carve pumpkins, for sure. Do you think you’re important? I don't fucking know. Probably not. What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Idk. Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? *hands over thick book* Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No. Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? No. My hands are way, way too shaky to ever accomplish that. Are you more of a leader or a follower? Definitely a follower, but I can step up in certain situations. What was the first thing you ate today? Well, I was seriously depression-eating last night, way past midnight, and had a peanut butter sandwich. If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? LET'S NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT RIGHT NOW. If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? "Falling apart." I've lost direction, motivation, strength, hope, just everything. What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? I need a fucking shower so bad that it's embarrassing. I just can't move. I have no energy, emotionally or physically. I just can't make myself do it. Is there anything that you wish you could take back? So, so badly. What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? Actually reaching goals. Losing weight. Healing my legs. Knowing with certainty that I wasn't emotionally abusive to Jason. Moving out of this town and back into the country. Financial stability. A job I thoroughly enjoy. I could go on, but let's not. If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? God, let me take back shit I said in that fucking letter to you-know-who. It's so hard to believe I once thought it perfectly justified and realistic. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't have any plans of changing the style in the foreseeable future. I want to color it BADLY. To just SOMETHING. Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? I'm like, a lightning-fast typist. Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ No; my best friend in HS was, though. Her GPA was fucking insane. I was in the top percentile, though, so I was up there. What the hell happened to that girl. How many drugs are in your system? If we're including prescriptions, a whole hell of a lot. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Jack shit. Like usual. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you call anyone baby? Excluding my pets, no. What’s your current mood? lol if you've gotten this far reading, you can make an educated guess. Do you think you are a good person? Bro I just don't know. What were you doing before filling out this survey? I was playing WoW. How late did you stay up last night? Like, 4:30 or so. When was the last time you cried really hard? I wanna say like a week ago? Is your hair longer than your shoulders? No. It still badly needs a trim, though.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''better than me'' by hinder

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