#and I was already a good diabetic

[clementimetodie]

getting a bit frustrated with my ob. they want my blood sugar levels to be close to non diabetic numbers and I don't think they realize how difficult it is to manually achieve the job that your organ should be doing for you, esp when pregnancy has reduced your insulin absorption and increased insulin resistance

[yamsgarden]

Just some more Still Wakes the Deep blah blah, but omg having just been diagnosed Diabetes type 1 myself recently, it makes me only love and feel for Roy 10X more...

This shit is litteraly poison, but so does the food we eat with how much sugar there is in ugh OTL

Never thought in a million year I had DT1, I had 0 symptoms and am in pretty good shape, but then suddenly, organs are starting to hurt really badly out of nowhere...

Don't wait too long poeple and check with your doctors even if there's ''nothing'' T0T and to all Diabetic ppl out there, keep on fighting 💪✨

[thatonceandfutureprat]

Me in 2021:

Me now:

I've been on a closed loop system since 2022 and it's the first thing that's actually worked to get my blood glucose down permanently.

(I use the Dexcom/Tandem T:slim system)

I gifted myself an Apple Watch last year to track my health better, but it also allows me to show my blood glucose on the screen. Which is an oddly sentimental element, because when I was 6 and first diagnosed with Type 1 my grandmother said: "One day you'll be able to see your blood glucose on a watch, you mark my words!"

It might not be quite what either of us imagined, but hey gramma, I can see it on my watch now :')

[arcaneyouth]

i'm starting to think living with 5 other people may simply be a problem

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

It's dead af at work. We got through our four reservations and have had no walk ins, and my manager won't cut me because he hates doing my job (and we're friends and he knows I need the money) and tbh I don't want to be cut (can't really afford to be) but I'm actually going insane from sitting on my stool, going through Tumblr, Insta, Kindle, then standing up and going through those apps again, then sitting down and going through those apps again, etc. it's nice to get paid to do nothing, because tbh if I was cut then I'd just be doing this but in my bed, but I'm getting so fucking restless.

[userlaylivia]

my mom went to the hospital today and she thought she had pneumonia and she does but she also has covid!! I'm so scared I'll get covid now too ugh I'll have to try and stay away from her as best I can because my surgery is in less than a month nothing is derailing it ugh

[cannot-copia]

Mental Health Check for the Ghesties! How we doin'?

uh

ive been better

ik i like never respond positively to these asks, I’m sorry whoever you are

but thank you for asking <3

also sorry to those who’ve tagged me in tag games the past while too, i do like them but between working for the past 14 days straight and some more not good things happening irl i have not had time to do them and now i probably won’t find them

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

how are we all living in todays diet culture...literally unachievable beauty and body ideals. me being told by a doctor at 16 that i have pcos and ill have to diet my whole life if i dont want to gain weight. and that dieting means giving up half the foods i love so much (bread) cutting out all sugar, and eating plain boring vegetables. and then theres people saying oh but dieting doesnt mean eating boring food! like actually it does when u have pcos and the recommended diet is fucking keto. 

[parole-parole-parole]

Humans get to hurt themselves in such articulate ways...

[transgaysex]

i know i would be a vastly different person if i didnt have to deal with hyper-empathy. i know i probably have things that i benefit from by being too empathetic. but its very hard not to wonder how happier i would be if i just didnt have to deal with that.

[burntoutdaydreamer]

Weird Brain Hacks That Help Me Write

I'm a consistently inconsistent writer/aspiring novelist, member of the burnt-out-gifted-kid-to-adult-ADHD-diagnosis-pipeline, recently unemployed overachiever, and person who's sick of hearing the conventional neurotypical advice to dealing with writer's block (i.e. "write every single day," or "there's no such thing as writer's block- if you're struggling to write, just write" Like F*CK THAT. Thank you, Brenda, why don't you go and tell someone with diabetes to just start producing more insulin?)

I've yet to get to a point in my life where I'm able to consistently write at the pace I want to, but I've come a long way from where I was a few years ago. In the past five years I've written two drafts of a 130,000 word fantasy novel (currently working on the third) and I'm about 50,000 words in on the sequel. I've hit a bit of a snag recently, but now that I've suddenly got a lot of time on my hands, I'm hoping to revamp things and return to the basics that have gotten me to this point and I thought I might share.

1) My first draft stays between me and God

I find that I and a lot of other writers unfortunately have gotten it into our heads that first drafts are supposed to resemble the finished product and that revisions are only for fixing minor mistakes. Therefore, if our first draft sucks that must mean we suck as writers and having to rewrite things from scratch means that means our first draft is a failure.

I'm here to say that is one of the most detrimental mentalities you can have as a writer.

Ever try drawing a circle? You know how when you try to free-hand draw a perfect circle in one go, it never turns out right? Whereas if you scribble, say, ten circles on top of one another really quickly and then erase the messy lines until it looks like you drew a circle with a singular line, it ends up looking pretty decent?

Yeah. That's what the drafting process is.

Your first draft is supposed to suck. I don't care who you are, but you're never going to write a perfect first draft, especially if you're inexperienced. The purpose of the first draft is to lay down a semi-workable foundation. A really loose, messy sketch if you will. Get it all down on paper, even if it turns out to be the most cliche, cringe-inducing writing you've ever done. You can work out those kinks in the later drafts. The hardest part of the first draft is the most crucial part: getting started. Don't stress yourself out and make it even harder than it already is.

If that means making a promise to yourself that no one other than you will ever read your first draft unless it's over your cold, dead body, so be it.

2) Tell perfectionism to screw off by writing with a pen

I used to exclusively write with pencil until I realized I was spending more time erasing instead of writing.

Writing with a pen keeps me from editing while I right. Like, sometimes I'll have to cross something out or make notes in the margins, but unlike erasing and rewriting, this leaves the page looking like a disaster zone and that's a good thing.

If my writing looks like a complete mess on paper, that helps me move past the perfectionist paralysis and just focus on getting words down on the page. Somehow seeing a page full of chicken scratch makes me less worried about making my writing all perfect and pretty- and that helps me get on with my main goal of fleshing out ideas and getting words on a page.

3) It's okay to leave things blank when you can't think of the right word

My writing, especially my first draft, is often filled with ___ and .... and (insert name here) and red text that reads like stage directions because I can't think of what is supposed to go there or the correct way to write it.

I found it helps to treat my writing like I do multiple choice tests. Can't think of the right answer? Just skip it. Circle it, come back to it later, but don't let one tricky question stall you to the point where you run out of brain power or run out of time to answer the other questions.

If I'm on a role, I'm not gonna waste it by trying to remember that exact word that I need or figure out the right transition into the next scene or paragraph. I'm just going to leave it blank, mark to myself that I'll need to fix the problem later, and move on.

Trust me. This helps me sooooo much with staying on a roll.

4) Write Out of Order

This may not be for everyone, but it works wonders for me.

Sure, the story your writing may need to progress chronologically, but does that mean you need to write it chronologically? No. It just needs to be written.

I generally don't do this as much for editing, but for writing, so long as you're making progress, it doesn't matter if it's in the right order. Can't think of how to structure Chapter 2, but you have a pretty good idea of how your story's going to end? Write the ending then. You'll have to go back and write Chapter 2 eventually, but if you're feeling more motivated to write a completely different part of the book, who's to say you can't do that?

When I'm working on a project, I start off with a single document that I title "Scrap for (Project Title)" and then just write whatever comes to mind, in whatever order. Once I've gotten enough to work with, then I start outlining my plot and predicting how many chapters I'm going to need. Then, I create separate google docs for each individual chapter and work on them in whatever order I feel like, often leaving several partially complete as I jump from one to the other. Then, as each one gets finished, I copy and paste the chapter into the full manuscript document. This means that the official "draft" could have Chapters 1 and 9, but completely be missing Chapters 2-8, and that's fine. It's not like anyone will ever know once I finish it.

Sorry for the absurdly long post. Hopes this helps someone. Maybe I'll share more tricks in the future.

[mypoisonedvine]

𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 || dark!jonathan crane x reader

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 || since you're the only one of his coworkers at arkham who doesn't seem to be intimidated by his intelligence, jonathan decides it's time he finds out what does scare you... and how he can embody it. unfortunately for you, turning into your greatest nightmare doesn't prove very difficult for him.

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 || 5.5k

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 || EXTREME AND EXPLICIT NONCON (18+ only and please proceed with caution), drugging and kidnapping, paralysis, traumatized reader, forced orgasms/overstimulation, degradation, humiliation, choking, slapping, unprotected sex/breeding, misogyny, jonathan is very much in character which means he is incredibly evil and has incel vibes (I know y'all are not about to get mad at me for writing a villain being a villain and not uwu babifying him...)

When you interrupted and corrected your colleague, Dr. Crane, about the correct combination of pharmaceuticals for a certain schizophrenic patient in the asylum who happened to have diabetes, you thought nothing of it.  After all, the whole point of staff meetings was to discuss and debate these things, and you weren’t about to let him damn-near poison a patient by giving him something that would interfere with his insulin.  You weren’t trying to be snarky about it, but you did sort of make a joke about how dangerous his suggestion was— and you didn’t notice the way Jonathan’s nostrils flared and jaw tightened when some others chuckled at what you said.

When you received an email from your therapist’s office informing you that there was evidence of a break-in in her building, but that the police were unable to officially determine if confidential client files were compromised, you thought nothing of it.  It was a big complex, these things happen, and you knew from being a clinician yourself how tricky the laws could be surrounding that stuff: she had to email you, legally, if there was any chance your file could’ve been accessed, and that didn’t mean you had any reason to fear your private therapy session notes had been read.  Besides, who would want to read about you and your boring life, diving into your mundane hopes and fears and daily stresses?

And when Crane came into the office with tea for you, you thought nothing of it.  Sure, you seemed surprised when he popped into your office with cups in hand— you asked him why he had two cups of tea, assuming they were both for himself, and he laughed.  Just that was out of character, he wasn’t much of a chucklehead or anything.  “Green tea, right?  With lime and honey?” he asked, setting one cup down for you.  You were still taken aback, but you had to admit defeat.

“Yeah,” you said, taking the cup as he sat down across the desk from you.  “Yeah, that’s my order— I didn’t know you drank tea.”

“Sometimes,” he informed you, hoping his poker face was holding up as he watched you take a sip.  He couldn’t help but stare at your lips wrapping around the little hole in the lid, the print of berry-red your lipstick left behind.  His heart was racing already, more than he expected.

When you finished the first sip, you smiled at him and let out a small, nervous laugh.  “Thank you,” you finally said.  So, yes, even though you clearly noticed this was slightly odd behavior, you thought nothing of drinking the tea.  That was one thing he hated about you: the thoughtlessness.  You didn’t seem to second-guess yourself much, if anything you were a little on the cocky side.  He found it so irritating— that confidence.  Sure, you were smart and you deserved to take yourself somewhat seriously, but the way you walked around this place— the way you ignored him so easily, or spoke over him if you wanted to, or ignored his suggestions when he gave them… you were a bitch, basically.  You clearly thought you were better than him— better than everybody else— for no reason at all.  Just because you were pretty and had a good job you thought you could get away with anything, surely; pretty girls always think that way.

He made casual conversation with you as you sipped the tea, asking questions he already knew the answer to, hoping to catch you in a lie.  For the most part, your stories matched up with what he’d learned from that file.  But, you left out the gory details— you left out the best parts, really.

You mentioned where you went to medical school and that you transferred mid-way through due to ‘stress’, but you didn’t elaborate on what really happened to you.  You mentioned having your own therapist— something you said passionately that every client-facing mental health professional should have— but left out what you were actually being treated for, not to mention the PTSD diagnosis.

He had to hide his smirk behind the paper cup every time you seemed to lose your train of thought— it wasn’t like you, so focused and determined all the time.  No, it was the drugs finally kicking in.  You went for bigger gulps of tea each time your eyes looked heavier, hoping the caffeine would work— but the trace caffeine in your green tea was nothing compared to what he’d added.

You tried to warn him that you were suddenly not feel up to par— that he needed to leave, and you might try to wake yourself up— but he just sat and waited.  He watched you try to get up, and lose your balance.  He watched you stumble, trip, and ultimately fall onto the floor limply.  He watched your eyes flutter shut and the final ounce of energy to fight it fade; he quietly took a final sip of his tea.

~

You woke up on the floor.  You could barely feel it beneath you, but you knew it was the floor— it was cold, and hard.  And you were looking up at the dark ceiling, at the fan spinning at the lowest speed; so you were definitely on the floor.

Jonathan was standing above you, not too far off, flipping through papers.  You couldn’t move— no matter how hard you fought to, you couldn’t.  You barely managed to turn your head, but it felt more like it rolled to the side on its own.  You tried to yell for Dr. Crane’s attention, for help, for him to explain what happened to you, but even your mouth couldn’t move.  The best you could do was breathe harder— actually, you were pretty sure your body was trying to hyperventilate, but you were too incapacitated to even have a proper panic attack.

He heard you, though; he looked away from the papers and grinned down at you.  “Comfortable down there?”

You started to put together a few things.  One, that the last thing you remembered was being in your office, and now you were in your apartment.  Two, that those papers were photoscans of chart notes— obviously you couldn’t make out the words from here, but the format gave away that it must have to do with a patient.

And three, that Crane was neither surprised that you were paralyzed on the floor, nor interested in helping you.

He half-rolled the papers in one hand and playfully hit the other hand’s palm with them.  “These have been quite interesting… revealing, to say the least,” he informed you, like it was a compliment— something you should be proud to hear.  “You’re quite the enigma, Doc!”

He sat down beside you on the floor, leaning on his hand first to find his balance with a little sigh; he seemed amused, actually, and your heart began to race.

As he started to read aloud from the page in front of him, you felt nauseous.  He was reading patient data, describing a client who was receiving individual counseling— or that’s what the CPT code indicated, at least.  As he listed the client’s demographic data— age, race, gender, height, weight— it became eerily obvious what he was doing.  You refused to believe it until he went on: “Client was recommended to Dr. Min Zhang for individual therapy concerning PTSD following sexual trauma.”

Your therapist.  This was a file he’d copied, which belonged to your therapist.  And it was obvious whose file it was.

As you tried with all your might to scream, Jonathan flipped a few pages ahead.

“Session fourteen, eleventh of June,” he continued.  “Client expressed frustration with an increased recurrence of nightmares and flashbacks to her assault.  Up until now, she has struggled to explain what triggers her anxiety without having to actually elaborate on the circumstances of the event.”

He stopped, but you weren’t exactly relieved.  In fact, you were horrified.  He had a little grin on his face when he looked at you, but you could finally see the rage in his eyes.  Suddenly, you realized how long it had been there.  You had sort of picked up on it before, the resentment he had towards you— and it didn’t take a Freudian expert to figure out that he was threatened by you, especially as a man.  He didn’t respond well to feeling upstaged and he clearly had an issue with women.  Maybe not that issue— he was good-looking and well-off, he didn’t need to have any issues with women if he didn’t want to— but an issue nonetheless.  

“Now,” he added, smiling wider than you’d ever seen him smile before, “client states she is ready to describe the incident in full detail.”

He set the papers aside for a second, leaning over you and almost looking… giddy, really.

“I won’t read you the rest, I’ve already pretty much memorized what goes on from there.  It was fascinating— seeing how what happened that night connected to the fears you still have today… the nightmares.  You said that you still feel sick at the smell of alcohol, you still don’t like to wear pinstripe skirts, and even just the wrong few words can make you feel like you’re right back there where it happened— on the floor of your apartment.”

All you could do was look up at him, and you felt your eyes get hot as they welled with tears.

“Not this apartment, obviously— the one by your old school,” Jonathan sighed, “but this will have to do.  And the smell of alcohol, well, I wouldn’t want to let anything cloud my experience— but I dabbed a little gin on my wrists, what do you think?”

He held his hand up by your face, caressing your cheek for a second, and you imagined yourself pulling away— turning your head and shrugging his touch off of you with a grimace.  But nothing happened, of course, and you were entirely helpless as the acidic stench of liquor became apparent.  You couldn’t give your typical outward reaction of a frown, but inside, you felt just the same as always: your stomach twisted, your heart pounded, your head swirled.

“Smell is such a… primal trigger of memory, isn’t it?” he mused, watching your face reverently.  “I can see it in your eyes, it’s affecting you even more than I expected.  You act so fearless at work— but I knew you must have been overcompensating.  God, you’re terrified— I would say you’re paralyzed, but, well… it would be too literal, I think.”

You knew that Crane studied fear and phobias, even trauma occasionally, as a personal interest within the field.  It was normal to have a favorite subtopic, and to conduct related research on it— but obviously, this was far from normal, this was absolutely deranged.  You knew that part of this was vengeance, in his own mind at least, but you didn't feel like you'd done anything actually wrong to him.  And the rest of it, well, it seemed like some twisted experiment, but if you were able to speak you would've tried to remind him that this 'research' wasn't going to get him published or advance his career— but of course, that wasn't what he wanted.  He just wanted to humiliate you.

“I was worried I didn’t have enough to work with, you know,” he added.  “I knew I couldn’t get you to where it happened, if I could even figure it out since you never filed that police report… and the skirt, well, I considered it.  It sounded pretty exciting to dress you up like the night it happened— what I would give to know everything you were wearing that night, but I don’t have a ton to work with.  Obviously, you don’t own any pinstripe skirts anymore, so I would’ve had to buy one… and I wasn’t quite ready for the looks I’d get shopping at Macy’s, so…”

Carefully, he reached up to take off his glasses, folding them and setting them down on your coffee table.

“You know how detail-oriented I am— I mean, I went to all this, didn’t I?” He continued, reaching down and brushing his fingers for a moment over your leg.  It was so instinctive to pull away that it took you a moment to realize you hadn’t… because of course, you couldn’t.  “But it’s impossible to recreate it all perfectly.  Clearly, I don’t need to— if only you could see it, Doc, you look… you look so weak.  Pathetic.”

Since the only thing you could do was look around, you tried to look away— to not give him the satisfaction of seeing the terror in your eyes.  He grabbed your face and turned it until you looked up at him.  

“Did you think you’d be able to face your greatest fear?  Perhaps with a bit more dignity?” he mused.  He looked different without the glasses on; and, ironically, you felt like he could see you even better now.

It was obvious that he enjoyed lording complete power over you, but a quick glance down to his suit trousers made it clear just how much he enjoyed it.  You quickly darted your gaze away, but it was too late; he started to climb on top of you, staring at your face uncomfortably close, and worked on opening his belt and fly.

“Fear rules us all, doesn’t it?  Everything you did, it was guided by your fear that it would— well, why paraphrase?  Let me find exactly how you put it…”

He picked up the papers again quickly, licking his thumb and flipping around until he found the right entry.

“Yes,” he said, “here it is: client states she lives in almost constant fear that it will happen again.”

So that's what this was: his disturbed take on exposure therapy.

As he tossed the copied charts away for the last time and reached up under your skirt, he leaned down and whispered in your ear— and you couldn’t even flinch from the harsh sounds of his words.  “It took you over fifty sessions to admit it,” he recalled, “to tell her the whole truth.  Not just what he did to you… what you did.”

With a small growl, he yanked your panties down your legs and rubbed your thighs with far too much aggression, such that you expected bruises from his hands— just like the ones you’d had before.

“You said he made you do it,” he continued, “you couldn’t help it, right?  But you said nothing’s ever felt like that— that you’d never had such a powerful orgasm.”

You would’ve vomited, except that that, too, requires your muscles to not be paralyzed.  Rolling your skirt up and spreading your legs, he positioned himself right between them, rubbing his cock's leaking head around your hole.

“Your greatest fear isn’t really that it’ll happen again, is it?” Jonathan taunted.  “You’re afraid someone’s going to find out how much you liked it.”

With that, he punched his hips forward and speared you on his cock.

It had been years since you'd had anything inside you, even your own fingers.  You couldn't even remember if being penetrated hurt like this during your assault, and you would've sworn before that you remembered every detail perfectly.  But this was so real, not a memory or a nightmare.  You couldn't cry out from the sting.

"God, it's tight," he groaned, "I bet you weren't this tight when it happened— you'd been whoring around, hadn't you?  Letting all kinds of guys use you… just ran into the wrong one and got your drink spiked.  But now…"

He hissed through his teeth, tightening his grip on your hip.  

"Now it's all mine, isn't it?"

Inside, you were screaming and kicking and pleading for mercy.  You imagined you would be angry and violent, beat him to death with your heel or something, but you wondered if you'd be forced to bargain with him— apologize for whatever you did to upset him, promise you wouldn't tell a soul about this as long as he left you alone.  But either way, it didn't matter… on the outside, you were useless, laying there and letting him use you.

"What made you come so much before?  Did he have a big cock, is that it?” he asked with a snarl.  “Did he know exactly how to touch you?  Or was it just that you’d been craving it, needed it really rough to get off properly?  Is that why you came while he raped you?”

It was a biological response, you told yourself like you had over and over, I couldn't help it, it wasn't my fault, it was a biological response— it wasn't my fault, I didn't like it, it was a biological response.

“I think I know what it is,” he mused, looking down at you with heavy eyes and almost purring as he watched your limp form bounce on the floor.  “I think you wanted to be put in your place.  You act so liberated, so empowered— but you’re a creature of instinct, like anything else.  You need someone to remind you how weak you are, I know, fuck, I know you do…”

He fucked you just a bit faster, grunting and tightening his fist on the floor by your head.

“You haven’t been able to have an orgasm at all, since then,” he stated— almost making it like a question, with the way he said it, but he obviously already knew it was true.  He sounded shockingly sympathetic— not even pitying, not condescending, for once.  “I’m sure for a while you didn’t even try, afraid it would remind you— but that’s the thing, you can’t finish unless you’re reminded.”

You almost surprised yourself when you heard a whine come from your throat; he smiled proudly.

"It's wearing off, I think," he noticed.  "I only gave you a small dose.  Can you move at all?  Can you beg me to stop?"

You opened your mouth to try to say everything you'd wanted to since you awoke, but all that came out was a moan.  You hated yourself for that, and he laughed happily.

"You don't want me to stop," he decided.  "Feels too good?"

I fucking hate you, you wanted to scream, you sick son of a bitch, I fucking hate you—

"You didn't say it outright, but he must have said something to you— during, maybe after," Jonathan theorized.  "You didn't say what it was, but you told your therapist about having a vivid flashback after being accosted by a delusional homeless man on the street.  He called you a bitch, seemingly for no reason… is that what your rapist said to you?  Did he say you were a stuck-up little bitch?"

As burning hot tears striped your temples, you curled your fingers over and over— maybe you could move your arms if you really tried…

"He was fucking right about you.  You think you're so much fucking better than everyone else," he growled.  "You think you're so fucking smart, and special.  But you're no fucking different, you're nothing—"

You whined and reached up, weakly trying to push him off of you, but all you could do was limply grasp at his shoulders.

"Nothing but a stupid—" he grunted the word as he slammed himself into you— "fucking—" he did it again— "bitch."

"No!" you finally heard yourself sob, clutching a weak fistful of his white shirt, but he grabbed your hands and shoved them back down to the floor.

“God,” he choked, holding your wrists tightly until you whined, “it’s so much better when you can fight— fuck, it’s so much better.  Keep struggling if you want, Doc, you’re still too weak for me…”

Your legs moved a little, but they felt heavy.  Sensation was only just beginning to return to them, like pins and needles, and it stung; you winced as you managed to squirm a bit beneath him.

"That's it," he praised, "this is probably just how you did it before.  Too drunk and too desperate for cock to really do much, but trying so hard to look like you hate it— I understand, you don't want anyone to know that you need this.  They'd never look at you the same again: the smart, accomplished psychiatrist who likes getting treated like fuckmeat.  What would they think of you if they knew?"

"No…" you said again, too weak and traumatized to say much else— but it wasn't what he said that made you say no, it was the pulse of pleasure inside your cunt.  He must have felt it, and if he didn't, he surely felt the next; yes, he did, because he smiled down at you excitedly.

"It's happening, isn't it?  You're gonna come."

He held on tight to one of your legs, gripping your thigh and staring uncomfortably into your eyes as he kept going— faster and rougher with each thrust.  You choked on your throat, trying to stop any part of this, but the pleasure was undeniable; it still hurt, yes, and you still felt so angry and sick and numb, but something familiar and desperate was tightening in your gut.  It’d been so long since anyone touched you… you’d forgotten how natural it could feel, even when it was so horrible.

"I read it in your file, but I still couldn't really believe it,” he laughed quietly, “I couldn't believe you came over and over while being raped— but here you are, wow, look at you… you’re so beautiful when you’re scared.”

A long, heavy sigh fell from your lips; your eyes got heavier, and your whole body seemed to relax— in a way totally different from the medication-induced paralysis.

He cooed at you, seeming oddly proud, and you were oddly compliant as he picked you up and pulled you into his lap.

Tears streamed across your cheeks as he held you close, one hand around your back while the other moved your hips against his.  “There you go— come for me, I wanna feel it— another one, baby, for me…”

It wasn’t much longer before another one came— from what you remembered, it was a lot like the first time, this terribly wonderful way your body protected itself from the trauma by immersing you in pleasure.  Of course, Jonathan helped you along by rubbing your clit with his thumb, excited to watch you surrender to ecstasy even when you begged him to just stop and leave you alone.

Of course, your protests were less and less believable as more of your strength and mobility returned— you could’ve tried harder to get away, but instead you found your hips rocking with his, your arms wrapping around his shoulders.  No, you didn’t want this— you never wanted this— but you found the way he spoke to you impossibly comforting even while it was still deeply upsetting.  “Tell me about the nightmares, darling,” he whispered— some impossible mix of pleading and ordering.

“A-almost every night,” you whimpered.  “I… I got used to it, but I used to… I used to wake up and think I was still…”

"They felt so real, hm?" he presumed, and you nodded.  “It’s real now… you don’t have to be afraid of the dreams anymore, it’s all real— I’m right here.”

You couldn’t tell if he was trying to scare or comfort you; he pet your hair, clinging to you tightly, kissing your face and neck along the lines of the tears soaking your skin.  

You felt his grin against your cheek when another wavering moan echoed in your chest, and he laid you back on the floor to hover over you again.  “Was that your third one, already?” he noticed.  “This is so much easier than I thought… you needed this so badly, you poor girl.”

A quick wave of panic settled over you when his hand wrapped around your neck.  “W-wait,” you pleaded instantly, as if you really feared he would just strangle you to death right then and there.  Your hands, still weak and tingly, reached up to his arm, and you felt his cock throb inside you— of course that was what he wanted, to see you react in fear again.  So many other emotions were at play right now, even some you didn’t know existed (like whatever the word would be for longing for the worst thing that’s ever happened to you, or feeling like the only person you can trust is the person hurting you the most), but fear was still going to rule it all as long as he had any say.

"How many times did you come before?" he demanded to know, nostrils flaring as he fucked you harder.  "Tell me how many times you came when he raped you."

"I— I don't—" you stammered.

"Say it," he ordered.

"I— I don't know!" you yelped, whimpers falling to silence as he tightened his grip on your neck. 

"You don't fucking know?" he snarled at you, watching you fight for air.  You clawed at his shirt, his wrist, tried to pry his fingers away, but he just sneered as he stared at your numbing face.  "You don't know how many times you creamed on your rapist's cock?  Bullshit."

"I—" you gasped when he let go of your throat, "I lost count…"

He went from livid to ecstatic in a second, laughing proudly and dipping down to kiss your neck passionately.  "Good girl," he mumbled against your skin, fucking you even faster.  "That's what you need to do for me now— come for me until you lose count."

“I— I can’t,” you choked, grabbing at his shoulders as he seemed to overwhelm you just by pressing his weight down on top of you.  “I’m sorry— you… you proved your point, I— I just need a break—”

Even though the drug he’d injected you with was wearing off, you realized you were just as limp and helpless as before… after all, some of the most powerful chemicals come inside the body.  You didn’t even fight it when he put his hand over your mouth, spitting out a quiet but hateful shut up and continuing with his quick and forceful thrusts into you.  

He kept you conscious and lucid by occasionally hitting or choking you, talking to you, once or twice even ordering you to kiss him.  Like you mean it, he’d said, slapping you as punishment for doing it wrong.  Truth be told, you hadn’t kissed anyone in so long that you’d really been trying your best the first time.  Sometimes he told you to beg him for more— or to beg him to get off of you— and yet he would usually punish you for speaking at all.  He was completely unpredictable, and you figured that was part of the plan: take away any shred of control you might try to get by making it impossible to follow his rules.  Keep you confused and crying, keep you fearful, keep you obedient.

But, he did seem to enjoy when you could only just choke out a broken please.  He laughed at you, pinching your sore clit in response until you sobbed and tried to jerk your hips away.  “‘Please’ what, honey?  You mean, ‘please keep fucking me, Doctor Crane, you’ll make me come again?’” he taunted.  “Something like that?”

“Please… please,” you swallowed around your whines, “please just… finish, and go…”

“Oh,” he purred, “you want me to come?”

You’d specifically not phrased it that way, but, yes, that was what you were asking for.  You weren’t sure what else he wanted from you now, it felt like he’d drained you of everything.

“You can just say that, baby— you wanna make me come?” he grinned, moving in closer for a kiss, but you turned your head away.  He grabbed your jaw again and stared at you with an angry glare.  “This isn’t about me.  This is what you wanted.  This is what you fucking wanted!”

As he screamed in your face, you sobbed and tried to look away again, but he hit you hard on the face and covered your mouth before the cry of agony could come out.  

“This is what you wanted, right?” he insisted again, forcing your head to nod with his clammy, iron-tight grip.  “Uh huh— and you wanna make me come, don’t you?  You understand now that’s all you’re good for.”

As sick as it was, you felt yourself fall into another orgasm when he said that; your eyes rolled back a bit, and for a moment you felt even hotter between your legs.

“I think, if you beg me to come, maybe I will,” he offered— bargaining with you, probably another way to trick you into clamoring for some control only to yank it away.  Unfortunately, you were in no position to turn down a deal.

“Please,” you blurted out the second he released your mouth from under his hand; when you blinked the tears from your eyes, you saw him clearly again and realized how completely different he looked from the arrogant-but-generally-unassuming man you knew from work.  His hair was fallen beside his face, and he was close enough that the ends were tickling your forehead.  His eyes were bloodshot, crazed, and dark.  His lips, always full and plush but usually in a tight frown or neutral look of condescending boredom, were curled around the teeth he bared at you.  He looked animalistic, for a man typically so measured.  Only he could do something so animalistic in a way that required such intellect, foresight, and contemplation— using his superhuman skills to treat you in a subhuman manner.  You realized that you were really seeing him for the first time— the person you’d known before was the mask.  This was something horribly freeing for him; and you were having a much easier time analyzing and thinking about him to distract from how sickly freeing this experience was becoming for you.  “Please, Jonathan—”

“Doctor Crane,” he corrected.  Apparently this wasn’t enough to put you on a first name basis…

“Doctor Crane,” you repeated, “please… come.  I want… I want you to come.”

“Hmm,” he considered, and you worried he’d decide he was unimpressed with your effort and hurt you again— but, he did maybe the only thing worse.  “Okay,” he agreed, “if it’s so important to you.”

Just when you shut your eyes tight and hoped you could just get through this— just hold on for a few more minutes at most and then this would be over and done with— he whispered in your ear that he needed you to keep your eyes open if he was going to finish.  

Though, when you obeyed, he purred at you and let his own eyes flutter shut for just a moment.  For once, he actually seemed affected by all this physically and not just psychosexually.  “I think I’ll come inside, like he did before,” Crane decided with a groan when he opened his eyes, biting his lip for a moment as he stared down at you.  “I didn’t see any birth control in your listed medications on chart… I guess we’ll find out if you have a fear of getting pregnant.”

"Jonathan— don't," you whimpered.  "Please, don't do that—"

"Shh," he soothed, petting the top of your head and laying his weight over you.  "Shh, it's alright.  I think you need to be filled with come… I think that might be the one thing that’ll get you to settle down, now just hold still.”

“I— please… please…” you began to beg again, but your words faded away as another wave of sensation washed over you— they started to blend together, like before, and you realized you were doing what he’d asked: you were losing count.

“Good girl,” he praised under his breath, “like that— fuck, I’m close.  Fuck!”

He held onto you tight— one hand on your thigh and the other on your neck as his thrusts sped to a desperately, impossibly fast pace.  You moaned— or cried, or yelled, or something— as he pushed just a little too deep and your toes curled in your heels.

“Uh huh,” he encouraged, “just one more while I come inside you— I think you can manage that, just one more good squeeze on my cock— oh, fuck, that’s it, yes, just like that…”

You stopped being able to understand what he was saying, but you heard the wavering groan that came a few moments later when his movements suddenly stopped.  He gasped and kept himself as far inside you as possible; you shuddered, blinking fresh tears out of your eyes, and felt paralyzed in an entirely new way as you laid under him, staring up at your ceiling, seeing how far the sun had set since it began— actually, it had started to rain, making it even more impossible to tell how much time had really passed.  Eventually, though, he took his head out from the crook of your neck and propped himself up enough to look down at you.  

Reaching to your coffee table, he fumbled his hand around until he found his glasses, and shakily put them back on.  “Well,” he grinned, still panting but seeming to be mostly back to himself (whoever that was).  “I never thought I’d meet someone who loves fear as much as I do.”

[mwahmimi]

if you haven’t already gotten a request like this…munch spencer? thank you <3

Oh, dilute me, gentle angel⛅️🌻

"You are not a morning person at all, are you?"

Spencer chuckles, rubbing the last remainder of sleep from the inner corners of his eyes.

Goosebumps decorate his arms as the breeze travels in through the cracked open window. Hiding your face in your shoulder as you groan, his hands rub up and down your back as he speaks. Soft as velvet, he pecks your forehead.

"Lazy little girl... As much as I enjoy having you laying on me like this, and I do.. Enjoy it. I need breakfast. Studies show that eating breakfast regularly may reduce the risk of obesity, type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, and stroke too.”

You roll your eyes playfully, not meaning to offend his early morning ramblings but aiming to rile him up just enough to see how much you can pull at his strings until he snaps.

"Talking, always talking."

You chuckle, shooting him a sarcastic grin.

"Oh you don't like me talking? You know men and women speak about 16,000 words every day, and you can't stand to hear me say a couple?"

Spencer offers you a pouty face in response to your distaste of his ramblings, but you can see the smirk straight through it. It's a cute attempt you think to yourself, he's cute.

He's especially cute in the mornings, his uncouth curls that are all tangled up in sleep and dreams. His hazel eyes seemingly looking a little more green in the sunrise creeping through from the curtains. His morning voice that is so uncharacteristically deep until he lets himself yawn and it goes back to normal, but still just as attractive.

You shuffle off his chest, now laying with your back to the headboard and your legs spread like a starfish, just to get the last laugh and hog the bed. Spencer smiles at you; the sort of smile that sends butterflies into your stomach and the flutter down into lust between your thighs.

That smile is trouble, and he knows what it does to you. Squeezing your thighs together, you run your fingers over his shoulders, chuckling when he shivers slightly.

Eagle eyed, Spencer notices your desire for him building. He places his palm flat on your stomach, reaching upwards towards your breasts.

Grinning, he starts to kiss your neck, his hand gently rubbing up and down your thigh as he kisses you. The kiss is deep, passionate and they only get more and more sensual as his fingers tangle in your hair, intertwining his fingers and your curls.

"I'll keep going for as long as you like... As long as you're comfortable, darling."

His hands find your underwear clad heat, one of them on your hip and the other tracing lazy circles just south of the bow on your waist band, finding your hyper-sensitive clit immediately. Chuckling when your breath hitches and your hips buck up into his fingertips.

"I just want to make you feel good, baby."

He hushed, rubbing the side of your hip reassuringly. Planting gentle kisses over your panties, mouthing over your clit as he works with your gasps and moans.

"You still wanna keep me quiet sweet girl?"

Spence teases, his voice riddled with want. You can do nothing but nod as he looks down at you, eyeing you up like his prey.

He smirks and steadies his weight onto his elbows, reaching up to whisper in your ear.

"Your wish is my command."

Spencer lays you down, manipulating your body into being in the perfect position for him. Hooking his fingers under the waistband of your underwear, yanking them down your thighs and tossing them across the room.

"Did you know that some biologists believe that oral sex may have helped the evolutionary process, since sexual pleasure between mates helped early humans choose better partners."

He mutters with his head rested on your sternum, looking up at you fluttering his eyelashes innocently as if he doesn't know he's relentlessly teasing you. Spencer chuckles, moving back down to finally taste you. Kissing over your bare cunt before opening his mouth and allowing his tongue to flicker over your clit. His tongue works lightly, slowly teasing over your bundle of nerves.

Your thighs squeeze over his ears, clamping his head in place as he pleasures you. Spencer groans, unable to speak as his face is trapped between your thighs, not once stopping his affection. Soft moans bubble up in your throat and you're unable to hold them back as they escape, exposing a symphony of carnal desire. His hot breath against your core spurring you on more through his kitty-licking on your clit.

For someone with Mysophobia, Spencer eats pussy like a man starved. If he didn't enjoy your noises and put your pleasure above his own in all over aspects of your life, you'd be sure he does this for his own pleasure only. Spence takes your sensitive bead between his lips, sucking softly his mouth is warm and oh-so inviting.

You tweak your nipples as they ache in isolation, grunting in response to both touches. Rubbing one between your fingers at the same rhythm as your boyfriend between your thighs.

He begins to lick through your swollen lips, collecting all of your wetness on his flat tongue as he goes, swirling it over your clit. The familiar feeling grows in your stomach, desperate to make itself known. You squeeze his head between your thighs once more, non-verbally letting him know you're close to coming undone.

"Please please please, I'm close"

You whine, writhing on the bed, gripping the sheets with one hand and holding his head against your cunt with the other. Spencer sucks against your clit again, the pressure just right as you push his face deeper into your pussy. Every stimulation sending you closer and closer to the edge.

"Shh, show don't tell."

He murmurs into your pussy, his words vibrating against you. His curls tickle against your inner thighs as he expertly circles his tongue against your clit, he takes your hand out of his hair and holds them down with his own, immobilising you as you approach orgasm.

You come undone, your clit swollen and needy. You push your thighs together, so hard that you're worried Spencer might suffocate between your skin. Your ass bounces from the bed, hips trying to reach the sky as your mind levitates from your conscious. Your orgasm washing over you like a tsunami, all of your nerves stand on end as Spencer refuses to stop licking.

Freeing your wrists from his grip, you pull his head away frantically, giggling through his forced overstimulated. Your mind delirious from the pleasure, he glances at you like a puppy whose favourite toy has been confiscated before chuckling and admitting defeat that you can't take anymore.

"You taste like heaven."

He smirks, licking the left over reminisce of you off of his lips as he teases.

"Are you feeling more like a morning person now?"

[webbluvrsugar]

hi my darling! i just read your spencer reid x new recruit reader and im aching for another part where spencer warms up to the reader. maybe some angst where he cheers up reader? idk, but i love your work!! 💌💌

a/n: you guys have no idea of how happy I am that you all liked it!! <33 time skip here we go!

It’s been a few months since you and Spencer talked, after all that basket disaster, you’ve been wondering if you should talk to him at all, sometimes you make tiny questions, about his day, about how he found the gifts, about things about him. Spencer never answers clearly, it’s mostly weird and awkward because even if he’s a more mature man now, — freshly out of prison — he’s weirdly quite himself but he still prefers to stay reserved instead of leaning into your conversations, he just doesn’t understand that it hurts you until he almost walks in one of your conversations with JJ.

“I just don’t get it, he’s so nice towards you, towards everyone,” you whisper, the door of her office is still open, you’re not just going to yell about how one of your coworkers has been treating you. “I mean I would’ve understood it if I had offended him, but I didn’t.”

JJ’s voice became muted to him and suddenly, he just couldn’t get that off his mind. It’s all he’s been thinking about for the past days, he thinks that maybe, being a bit more open towards you won’t hurt.

You’re now both getting coffee, he’s glancing at you towards the corner of his eyes, taking a soft moment to let his eyes glance over your features, slower than he intended because you notice it, and you blush. You both reach pot, hands breaching over each others softly, a tender moment between you two before he pulls away and you’re already hushing a “Sorry.” to him. Spencer doesn’t understand why you’re sorry, but he doesn’t question it.

“Don’t worry.” He flashes you a hint of a smile, his lips parting as if he’s going to say something, it’s the only reason you stay. “I..I actually liked the books you gifted me.” He nods towards you as he pours himself coffee before moving onto your mug.

“Oh, thank you, I didn’t know what you liked so I just included some classics.” You smile towards him, all bright and shiny, he finds comfort in that smile.

“‘The collector’ was a good choice.” He presses his lips into a thin line, his hands letting go of the pot before he reaches for a spoon and the sugar, dumping one, two, what was it? Three or four fulls spoons of sugar?

“Only fitting for a brain like yours.” You praise, he glances back at you, the colourful scrunchies around your wrist, the neat hairstyle you did, the tint on your lips, he can tell you’ll be good friends with Garcia. You pick up a spoon, contrasting his behaviour with only a spoonful of sugar. “Careful, Dr. Reid, you might find yourself with diabetes if you keep up with that.” You joke.

Spencer doesn’t know what it was, but it makes him crack a small smile as you turn on your heels and leave, and when he finally realises your praise, he blushes, stuck in place before Morgan calls his name.

He was right, being a little bit more open didn’t hurt.

[neechees]

Hello, I got an ask from the account @/ magicalbirddinosaur who claims to be a diabetic Palestinian. They only have a paypal listed, and I'm pretty sure you've debunked accounts very similar to this. I get bad vibes from the ask, but I figure it's better to check first

Scam. Their paypal name "Taheera Abdala" is already on the scam list. But just for good measure, here's some other proof they're a scam:

They claim to be "vetted and verified by 90s-ghost" but there is no evidence of this, and 90s-ghost has not reblogged from them or verbally confirmed them to be legitimate at all. Scammers were already lying about being vetted, but now they're lying by name dropping random Palestinian users doing the vetting, so let that be a reminder to check to see if a blogs claim of being vetted is true and corroborated by who they claim "vetted" them. If you see nothing, and this blog provides no evidence of their claim, assume it's not true.

Additionally, their @ of 90s-ghost doesn't link to his blog, which means either A) he's already blocked them or vice versa & so he can't confirm or deny if he's actually vetted them or not, and/or B) they made sure the link didn't properly work so that he won't see it again, so that he can't confirm or deny if this random person has actually been vetted.

Conveniently have me blocked already despite me never interacting with them lol

Their pfp is literally from this website where they probably googled "Muslim girl face hidden" because that's the page is was listed under

Common scam story of claiming to be a diabetic Palestinian, indicating that this is probably the Kenyan scammer who keeps reusing that story

They have no gofundme but has a paypal where they're asking for money in USD, and it's in a donation pool, which scammers try to use because the other type of link where they give their @ usually shows their ACTUAL location, which would make their story implausible. There's other (logical) reasons for why genuine Palestinians might use a paypal or ask for donations in USD or might not have a gfm, but with the other signs on this blog, we can tell they wouldn't apply

[glitterjay]

— how i think enhypen would take care of you while sick

⠀⭒fluff, ot7

— LHS.이희승 the sweetest of them all. you'd feel better from whatever sickness you may have but would probably get diabetes from this man. he'd make sure you always have what you need at reach. ngl, i have the strong feeling heeseung would absolutely use his beautiful voice as a way to relax you. singing your favorite songs for you and also putting up a little show to keep you entertained (since he wont let you leave the house either).

— PJS.박종성 acts and services. he's doing all the house work, doing laundry, feeding the pets, cooking food, he's got everything covered. jay would spend most of his time making sure things get done, but as soon as he has time he's onto you checking how you're feeling, and giving you lots and lots of affection.

— SJY.심재윤 puppy jake would be worried most of the time because his s/o being sick is probably one (if not thee) worst thing that could ever happen to him. i know for a fact he would not leave your side 24/7. work? screw it. practice? forgotten. a hang out with the boys? can wait. his baby is in need of him and that is the only thing that matters.

— PSH.박성훈 i think hoon is the awkward type of boyfriend in this situation. he's always been taken care of, so he isn't very familiar with what to do himself. constant questions such as "is there anything you need? would you like me to do this or that? would this make you feel better?" but it's okay because his cute akwardness makes you feel better instantly.

— KSN.김선우 sunoo is another lovely sweetie pie :( he makes sure to give you all of his attention and even offers to buy you your favorite snacks in hopes that'll make you feel better. i personally feel like he would ask what your favorite book is and he would read it for you until you feel better. at home dates like watching a movie or baking something (if you feel good enough to get up) are a must.

— YJW.양정원 jungwon's natural boyfriend instincts would tingle and he'd be immediately making you some tea he learned is good for when someone is sick. he has been preparing for this moment HIS ENTIRE LIFE and he's more than ready for it. did he spend night after night lookikg for remedies and effective medicine? of course. did it pay off? absolutely. there is no cold that could go past jungwon.

— NRK 西村 力 now, ni-ki is the type to latch onto you and just... never let go. i feel like he's already the affectionate type, but it just gets more intense if you're sick. small fights would happen often because you don't want him to get sick but he doesn't care (or listen) at all. ni-ki ends up winning in the end and just spends his time watching movies with you and asking those around him for help when you need something.

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