#whatever other bullshit they tried to pull off either for jokester purposes or to scam people. like i get that
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i know i would be a vastly different person if i didnt have to deal with hyper-empathy. i know i probably have things that i benefit from by being too empathetic. but its very hard not to wonder how happier i would be if i just didnt have to deal with that.
#wind howls#google search when do i stop caring about my parents happiness and start working towards my own ?#that just seems like such a mild example but i cannot overstate how deeply the thought is poisoning me.#i. dont necessarily envy having no empathy. some of my very dearly beloved homies have little empathy and-#i know how that can cause trouble for them ! i do not envy that. i just wish i could care about things a normal amount.#i also wish that like. hyper empathy was seen just a tad more seriously. i get that theres clowns out there who claim to be empaths and#whatever other bullshit they tried to pull off either for jokester purposes or to scam people. like i get that#its just so unfun when its on a clinical level. it feels like i am being haunted by everyone around me.#when do i start caring about what i feel ? when do i start caring about my own happiness ? maybe thats part of why im suffocating so much#god i need to move out. its going to cause me so much pain to move out. its going to hurt and relieve my parents when i move out.#theyre going to be so proud of me. theyre going to be devastated. its hard enough knowing that us immigrating here caused-#my maternal grandpa to develop diabetes from how heartbroken he was. i am so afraid to cause them pain. i know theyre not happy here.#what am i supposed to do ? when do i start living my life for myself ? is it when i move out ? is it when my parents pass ? i#dont even want to think about that. the paranoia from that already makes me feel ill on a good day.#i dont know how to remedy to myself. i feel sick and sad. i would like to know what it feels like to live for just myself alone someday#wurgh.#until then. i have editing class and drawing class tomorrow. ill try to focus on that for now.
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