#and I reiterated how I am Doing Okay being at home and online. I just want to get away from Here and I can't transition on my own

[serendertothesquad]

The Ultimate Serendipity-Odd Squad Lore Post

Because you people keep asking for my entire story.

No, no, not my life story. Christ sakes, we'd be here until Gen Z'ers died off if I had to reiterate my whole life story.

No, I'm talking about my entire Odd Squad story. You know, how I got here to begin with, how I rose to fame, and how I am objectively still a god without a religion, a cult, or a religious cult. That story. You all want to hear that story.

If you're an oldie, you've probably already heard my tale at least once. If you're new here to the funny kids STEM show fandom, then damn boy howdy are you in for a wild ride.

Get a snack and a drink, pop below the break, and let's begin.

Allow me to take you back to the year 2014. I was the ripe young age of 15, finishing up my sophomore year of high school, and suffering from undiagnosed depression of the "I'm trapped in my own home" variety. We didn't have cable, and so stuff like PBS Kids, NBC Kids, and 4Kids were the only things I watched on a regular basis. In the online space, I was largely chronline to the tenth degree (and note the "largely", because, y'know...school). The Internet, and spaces like Tumblr, served as escapism, and I spent a lot of time particularly in the Wild Kratts side of things.

I had first heard of Odd Squad through PBS's own upfront, the PBS Annual Meeting, that was held in May (though the show was, as I would find out much later, officially announced back in January at that year's TCA Winter Press Tour). It was the network's first live-action show since The Electric Company reboot in 2009 that got swiftly cancelled, which was already enough to get me interested because PBS hadn't taken a chance on live-action stuff since. The premise, as well, was charming and incredibly interesting -- a secret organization that solves problems using math sounded a little saccharine and thus perfect for PBS Kids, but since it was live-action, I figured it could bring a little spice to the network in a way that not other kids shows of the modern network era (read: 2013 onwards, past the network redesign) did. The fact that PBS was willing to go all-in on the show, up to teasers, previews, even having two new games available for fans to play before its premiere, was practically the cherry on top.

Fast-forward to around September. By this point, teasers and promos were already coming out for the show that showcased Olive, Otto, Oprah and Oscar in action. And by this point, I was absolutely invested. On a whim, I decided to take my Sony camera and record a reaction video of me watching it. Was it weird? Yes, but I had no money for a laptop that wasn't a decade old and didn't run about as well as a computer from the days of yore. You make do with what you have.

Needless to say, when the first episode "Zero Effect" premiered, I was having a whale of a time. That's...pretty much all I remember. Aside from the swearing. Lots and lots of swearing.

(...Look, it was 10 years ago. My brain can only go on a decline after being fully developed. And the depression has been eating away at me for that long. When astrophysicists perfect the art of the time machine, call me.)

I uploaded it to my YouTube channel the day after the show premiered. No editing, just a straight-cut video of my reactions laid on the table. I figured, "Okay, so this would be nice to look back on and laugh, maybe."

And then, a month later, I got a PM from Joshua Kilimnik, the actor who plays Season 1's big bad Odd Todd.

Before I get into that, though, a bit of backstory for my channel is necessary.

I had made my channel in 2011, when Wild Kratts premiered. At the time, it was mostly hosting Wild Kratts content, mainly Top 10 countdowns of fan videos I stumbled across on Tumblr or elsewhere as well as Sparta Remix-related stuff. (Yeah, remember that old meme? That isn't as dead as you think it is? Yeeeeeeah.) Around the middle of 2015, it unfortunately got struck down pretty hard when PBS began to go Nintendo on it, viewed fanworks as threats to their IPs, and decided to rip down my videos from the 'Net in three easy strikes -- and with it, my entire channel. It stung, to see my relatively hard work go down the drain. I'd be lying if I said I had wanted the channel to stay up just so I can look back on it in 5 years and cringe at how juvenile it was. Christ sakes, I even had MLP stuff up there at one point. Why? Don't ask me. I wasn't even watching the show at the time. I truly got into it when Season 5 began airing.

But back to the PM. You know, back when YouTube gave you the option to PM people.

Getting the PM from Joshua, I was, naturally, suspect. Celebrity impersonators are all too common, and as I would later come to find out, Odd Squad was not exempt. I had to laugh, because an autistic nobody like me getting a PM from a child actor who was in the industry long before Odd Squad was like Ariana Grande up and inviting me to have dinner with her because I made a few comments about her diction. It's a miracle, people. Miracles that only happen to those with life-threatening illnesses or those who have done good for the community. I had neither of those. Unless you count me going to high school as doing the community a service, in which case I have one of those things.

I read the PM again. And again. And again. And something in me thought, "Maybe...just maybe...this guy is actually legitimate. Maybe he's telling the truth about the entire Season 1 cast and the show's crew members, creators included, seeing my video. I mean it's 2014, what creator wouldn't look to the Internet for first reactions on their show?"

Fuck it. iBalled. I went for it. I reached out to Joshua.

And by God's oddness-laden utopia, am I so happy I did.

We immediately hit it off, taking our conversation from YouTube DMs to Twitter DMs (no, my current Twitter is not that ancient -- my time on birdsite-now-saltyman-hellhole is a whole different story) and discussing our hobbies and what we did. Joshua confided in me that he helped disabled kids, which, honestly, is a green flag in my book off the bat as someone who is, in fact, disabled. I told him about my animal shelter work and how I loved the show.

At the same time, I had posted on Tumblr about the show. Don't ask me what the post was about -- I honestly couldn't tell you, and combing through the tag is something I'd need a hell of a lot of motivation for -- but it somehow, by some astronomical means, took off. People came in like a small trickle. It was small, but over time, we built a strong community. I didn't exactly know how big my impact on people was until I read "how I got into Odd Squad" stories and saw my name pop up enough times to the point where I could safely say I was an inspiration to more than one person.

At some point in 2015, I had created a Wiki for the show. Fandom -- or Wikia, as it was called back then -- wasn't exactly new territory for me, as I had visited other show Wikis before. However, my Odd Squad Wiki didn't take off, and someone else ended up making another one that became far more successful.

...Yeah, you're surprised, aren't you? Figures. But not even I can lay claim to everything.

When the other Wiki took off, Joshua decided to dive right into the fire and engage with the fandom directly. Now, for any big-name fandom, this is everyday normalcy. The My Little Pony fandom has fans directly engage with cast and crew members who answer their questions, for example. But for small fandoms of niche IPs -- and oh believe you me, Odd Squad was incredibly niche back then -- a cast member interacting with fans was a huge deal. The hype only increased when Joshua was named an administrator, along with a few others, myself included.

Needless to say, Joshua being involved boosted the fandom's activity exponentially, and not just due to his spectacular acting on the show. Fanfics, fanart, fan videos...it was a bustling time of fan content. I can recall some of the most notable works just off the top of my head. The fandom got to be so busy that I made a news blog just to cover every bit of news, shifting away from my Wild Kratts news coverage to focus on a different show instead. I enlisted a few old friends to help me out, converted them to be oddballs (which, I will say, was a stroke of luck), and put them on the "staff team". My aim was to create something akin to Equestria Daily, but on a smaller scale. We did editorials, episode followups, and scoured the Internet for any and every bit of Odd Squad news we could find. It became a reliable source for many, especially considering PBS's horrible track record with even the most basic of news -- cancellations, renewals, and other such announcements. Not to brag, but I like to think I did a better job than them at actually giving news to fans who deserve it. (Hell, I still do. My hunger for even small crumbs of news is very strong indeed.)

I can easily recall when Season 2 was announced. Me and my friends were ecstatic. For me, I never thought Odd Squad would get a Season 2, and the Season 1 finale -- affectionately named OINFO (don't confuse it with "O is Not For Old", that's a different rodeo; this is "O is Not For Over") -- made sure of that. Originally, it was set to air in May, before it got shifted to June to coincide with Season 2's premiere.

And even long before that, the movie being announced blew our minds. I genuinely couldn't believe this niche little IP, birthed only several months ago, was getting a movie. And not even one of those specials that PBS markets as a movie as a ratings stunt. No, no, this was a full-blown theatrical movie. With A-listers to boot! And it was a damn good movie!

(...Okay, unrelated, but man, I'm reading through all my old posts and comments on the Wiki and cringing. God, did I really type like a 10-year-old back then when I was in high school? Egh gross cringe. The "let her say fuck" was strong with me back then.)

Of course, as most actors do, Joshua largely moved on from the show as the years went on. Most long-timer fans stuck around until the end of Season 2 before either other interests caught their eye or real life just got in the way too much. A majority of these fans dropped off the face of the Earth like an introvert who suddenly disappears mid-conversation, though they still popped into the Discord server a few times and I reconnected with one or two on Twitter. Hell, some of them even made a "hey, I'm back, and here's what's up" post on Fandom that made me ask if their accounts got hacked.

As a result, when Season 3 premiered, the fandom had slowed down to a crawl. Anyone who's bore witness to it, whether an episode or a nugget of criticism, can probably guess why. (And anyone who hasn't can feel the wrath of my "trust me bro" card, thank you.) It was like I willingly leapt off of the boat, it sped away without me, and I was trapped in the middle of fuck-all nowhere with sharks. So, you know, like Open Water if it was actually good. But the point stands in that I was pretty much all alone. I couldn't crawl to anyone for the sweet release of death after seeing just how hard S&P tried to avoid The Shadow's very obvious murder attempt by way of hacking into a car to make it fall into a lake of green goo. All I could do was scream and cry into a mic, edit, upload to YouTube, and let all the unsupervised kids looking for free episodes come to me in droves.

Oh, and post to Odd News. Until I accidentally deleted the account.

By that point in time, my old friends had all left due to real life commitments, and only one, Angelica, remained. But even she drifted away, and I was stuck running it all alone. So, I made the difficult decision to let it rot, and frankly...I haven't touched it since. Largely because I left Tumblr entirely and only just now came back. On the news front, I expanded my coverage to PBS Kids as a whole network, just as I do on Twitter.

It wasn't until the back half of Season 3 premiered that the fandom slowly but surely began to grow from planted roots, and I could connect with people again. Seeing people flood the Discord server and Tumblr, sharing art and news and theories, was amazing. Not for Season 3, though -- it was because of the past two seasons. Honestly, to say there's been more talk about Otis and Odd Todd than about any other character in the entire franchise is a hell of an understatement, because it dominated pretty much 98% of the fandom.

From there, new fanworks, fanart, and other pieces of fan-created media were created, and many still continue to be created to this day. Though hyperfixations can be yoted off the cliff and die in an instant (with deepest apologies to Shroom), it's great to see a burst of activity in such a small fandom. Hell, it even got big enough to where we had a Secret Valentine's exchange a couple months back, which was a real joy because it gave me a chance to flex my writing chops even if it did leave me on the verge of a third panic attack. And...the fandom being revived did land me a solid interview for a college assignment. Which, to me, is my own equivalent of getting a dedicated panel at a convention.

But this isn't a whole entire story about fandom lore. It's a story about me.

And honestly...I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little tired with Odd Squad myself.

Between the choking responsibilities of adult life (yay work), the state of my mental and physical health (yay depression and anxiety), and the franchise being fucked over sideways to Pluto and back by numerous entities (yay TV industry), I really can't just focus on Odd Squad anymore. Now, I'll give a fair warning to you and tell you to make no mistake -- my enjoyment of the franchise will die with me and my entire bloodline if the franchise itself doesn't die first. But I've found other special interests and hyperfixations that have grabbed me more than the funny kid agent franchise has. I derive more joy from binging the 90s Frasier series, Pretty Cure, and Neighborhood Wars than I do with the funny kid agent franchise.

Now, does this mean I'm leaving the fandom? God no. To do it on the verge of the franchise's 10th anniversary would be utter blasphemy. And I do plan on weaponizing this blog for more Seren's Studies, including episode reviews and character analyses I can't do with the limited resources I have. But the drive for Odd Squad is just...no longer there for me. I did not, unfortunately, get the "Odd Squad forever" autism. I got the "childhood is hell, but okay, sure, I'll make you a functioning competent adult to a certain degree" autism.

Maybe one of these days, amidst the countless new pieces of media that keep releasing, I'll be able to rewatch Odd Squad. It's worn out its welcome nostalgia-wise, but I find it to be a pretty enjoyable view when I take off those glasses and put on the "my God is an awesome God and that's why I try to attend church every Sunday" ones. I'm still making crossover fan projects to other IPs like MLP, Super Monkey Ball, and Precure. And of course, I'll be seated for Odd Squad UK to see if it's good or not -- I'm more than happy to take the bullet for people who don't want to see it for whatever reason, just as I did for the back half of Season 3. But for now, the drive is pretty much gone.

I will admit, I'm likely missing some stuff. My memory is absolutely terrible, and I had to go fishing for a lot of stuff to refresh it (one of the reasons why this took so long to release in the first place). But this is what I can dredge up.

I'm honestly proud of the little fandom I birthed. I could work a hundred jobs in my lifetime and still say that founding the Odd Squad fandom is by far my greatest accomplishment. I've met so many amazing people, seen so many amazing things, and really, I'm hoping to see more people in the years to come. If the aim is to introduce Odd Squad to new generations of kids, teens, young adults, and adults alike, then I'm all for it. Expose them to goodness. None of that Cocomelon shit.

Thank you for reading, and to all of the people in the fandom both old and new, thank you for touching my life in ways I never thought of. If you've got any further questions about my story, send 'em my way; I'll be glad to answer 'em.

See you all in the next Seren's Studies, whenever that may be.

[theflagscene]

Okay so I have a few messages in my inbox as well as comments on AO3 (which I will get to over there since I know not everyone has Tumblr or followers fic writers) and I didn’t want to reply to one or two anon messages explaining things and make that/those person/people feel like I’m like info dumping directly at them because they just happened to ask, that’s not fair. Also I didn’t want to reply to the non anon messages in private for the same reason, cause like, it’s a lot and a couple y’all just asked a simple question, it’s not your fault that the answer isn’t simple.

As for wether I am working on more chapters for Do I Ever Cross Your Mind, or is it abandoned? It is absolutely not abandoned, none of my fics are ever officially abandoned, even if I don’t update it for like months or even years (side eying a unfinished SPN fic I have from 3 years ago)

I am working on the fifth chapter of DIECYM, as well as all of my very late prompt fics and continuations and one shots, etc. Chapter five does take precedence obviously, so that’s the one I try to get the most done on as often as I can, I know waiting for a fic to update sucks, especially if you really enjoy it and I love hearing about people rereading it while they wait, it truly warms my cold lil heart. Also asking about updates never makes me feel pressured, I’ve mentioned this before, so please, never apologize for poking at me about possible updates or sneak peeks, etc.

Now to the info dumping, I’ll be frank and as blunt as possibly. A while ago I suffered a mental breakdown, some shit happened, it sucked and I couldn’t take it. I managed to power through a lot of it, I still wrote a ton, I actually wrote the first four chapters of DIECYM mid breakdown. Things have gotten worse recently, I am under psychiatric care and my support system is, I’d say pretty damn decent. Right now we’re just working on keeping me at home and out of the hospital, which is proving to be a difficult thing because to be completely honest, I’m not always this cognizant. I have a history of dangerous behaviour that we’re not looking for a repeat performance of tbh. And while all this is going on, I’m also looking for new housing as well as dealing with an chronically ill dog that needs to see a new veterinarian because her last one moved and I do not have the means to pay for that. It’s gonna cost me 100 dollars for the visit, 400 for the bloodwork and 180 for her medication. So nearly 700 dollars is needed for me to keep my dog well and that is basically my entire monthly income, I already use the food banks near me every couple of weeks to try and supplement the lack of groceries I’m able to obtain, but being a vegan, they don’t exactly have much that I can use. Which I know isn’t their fault, they help how they can with what they can and I’m grateful for their help every single day.

So between my dwindling mental health, heavy medication, housing stress, food shortage, money issues and an sick dog, I’ve been writing at a snail’s pace. I spend most of my days barely able to interact with people, online or irl. I mostly just sit, staring, my mother has more than once checked on me and thought I had just gone fully catatonic. I hadn’t, I can just focus very very deeply, like not even on the same plane of existence kind of deeply lol. Space cadet, that’s me! Point is, I physically can’t make myself write. Like the spirit is willing, but the body is weak. Oh, and I also might have fractured my left arm, so that also doesn’t make typing any easier. Just trying to get this all written out on my phone has been hell. I need to go to the doctor to get my arm scanned but I haven’t left the house in nearly 3 months at this point, so it’s like, yeah, just, ugh, not going great.

But to reiterate, none of my fics are abandoned, they are all going to get finished and are all currently being worked on. It’s just going to be way way slower than you’re used too, someone once commented to me that “the devil works fast but you work faster” lol. Well not anymore, the devil may win this time, my slow and steady tortoise progress will have to do for now 🐢🐢

I hope you can understand 🥰

[bitchslapblastoids]

I’ve received enough salty feedback on this that I do want to say something, so here are my thoughts, take them or leave them. And please feel free to continue sharing your thoughts with me bc obvs there is a big chance that I am actually just wrong about all this! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I guess it boils down to how I just don’t really think they’re at a point where their behavior is dictated by ours. They control what they share. This is far from their first rodeo, and if they didn’t want us to know anything about their trip, they wouldn’t have posted a literal video from inside the literal villa or uploaded a number of pics from all over the resort.

I’m not particularly concerned about people knowing the amount they spent on the trip bc…that doesn’t feel like information worth protecting. Like, oh no, now we know they’re super rich? In my eyes, that’s very ok.

And I don’t think they’re particularly concerned if we know they share a room/bed/went on a romantic getaway. There’s been zero effort to imply they don’t share a bedroom in their current home, and they posted a romantic ass photoset from their trip.

I don’t think their relationship with us is one where they’re consciously thinking “oh, we can trust them now, they’re chill and have proven they’re worthy,” or “oh no, they’re being weird again, we better stop sharing things.” I don’t think it’s some parental give/take dynamic. They share information about their lives on their own terms. Right now, they are clearly curating a fan experience that is built on our attachment to their chemistry, connection, history, and relationship. I believe they are sharing more partly because they know we eat it the fuck up and it generates more interest and a stronger investment in them. (And yes, also because I’m sure it’s so liberating to finally feel comfortable and in control enough over your own life to be able to openly love your partner in public just as much as you always have in private, and that is such a beautiful thing that we get to witness.)

They very consciously chose to share about this romantic getaway with us. I don’t think they’re suddenly going to stop doing that because of posts like mine, bc I don’t think it works that way. I just don’t think it’s a reciprocal thing as such. We’re the grabby-hands audience, and they place things in front of us. Sometimes they interact with us (in a safe manner under their terms), but mostly our lives and their lives are very much Separate and our conversations online are pretty removed from what they do and what they feel comfortable putting out there.

That is my opinion. I am not them, obviously, so maybe it is wrong. But that is how I feel.

Again, I am not remotely interested in ever jeopardizing their safety or privacy. Finding out info about a hotel stay when they’re back in their own country doesn’t feel invasive to me. A pal on here told me they felt a more accurate term might be “nosey” and I agree! I’m incessantly nosey, overly invested, and curious. It seems that some feel it’s an invasion of privacy, and I get that. I’d just reiterate that they’re aware they have a heavily parasocial fan base who is super invested in their relationship. Even with that awareness, they shared a bunch of romantic vacation photos with said fan base. I think they were aware some people might figure out where they stayed, and I think that’s okay. That’s all I’ve got for now. 💖

Not to go full demon but I found where they stayed and I have some insights….

1. If they were there 5 nights, they spent between $15,000-20,000 total usd ‼️‼️‼️

2. The place is primarily designed for couples. Words used to describe it frequently include “romantic,” “discreet,” “secluded,” “intimate”

3. Every villa on the property only has one bedroom with one king bed. If you need another bed in your space (i.e. if you bring a child), they will bring a single-sized rollaway type bed to you. One reviewer mentioned how the staff would literally remove the single bed each day for the aesthetics and then bring it back at night.

Sooooooooo they balled out on SUCH a bougie, romantic, secluded getaway. And then they shared it with us!! 🥺🥺🥺

[hewhofragments]

Just going to share some negative thoughts, so please scroll by if you're avoiding such.

Lately, I feel like tons of my people my age have totally abandoned the idea of life outside the home. There's this particular lifestyle, especially among single folks, of going home after work/school to hop onto a shared Discord server and spending a large amount of time (if not all free time) connected with old friends or online friends that don't live anywhere near you.

Don't get me wrong, I love being able to make and connect with online friends, and I think being able to chat and play games with friends near and far is amazing so far as what technology allows. But I see a ton of people that are clearly suffering from isolation and loneliness, and instead of going to a local game night or festival, they just retreat to a dark room and sit online for hours and hours in chat rooms where, in many cases, their online "friends" just talk shit to each other, gossip, and try to one up each other.

Again, I think there are plenty of healthy online groups and connections, what I'm referring to is extreme dependence on an online social group that really isn't well connected. I see this a lot with people and their high school friends. Many people grow up and grow apart from each other with time, but now I'm seeing people cling to their childhood friends when really, it was time to go out and build new connections--some friendships aren't made to last, and some friendships can't be forced into an online portal. And that's okay.

There also seems to be a lack of privacy and "silo-ing" of friends. I've met many, many people that I get along with well, but they feel the need to mention that they have a huge online group of friends and that they need to immediately connect me to the network. Not all of your friends need or want to be connected! Not all of your friends need to get along together or share their lives together. This isn't a point to defend that one racist or homophobic friend, but you can and should have friends from different walks of life, and you don't need to be in constant contact with every single one of them!

I've had someone tell me repeatedly when we met how not only do they have a shared discord of a bunch of friends (not sure why this was a point to keep reiterating as if bragging?), but also that they have a special channel with just one other discord friend that none of the others have access to! In my head I'm thinking, how is this any different than having a person's phone number? What is it that makes you think that one on one communication is special, as opposed to the "norm" of having all communications witnessed by 10 other people online?

I don't think this is a "young people thing" so much as a consequence of a society that alienates us and simultaneously enables hiding behind and being constantly visible in front of a screen (both in good and bad ways). You really can't have any conversation on this topic without a big nod to COVID--I'll leave the specifics here to the stientists. But I am frustrated with how difficult it's become to connect with others without getting immediately forced towards a network.

[lemememeringue]

tis change of season (oof ow, me bones) so therapy was mostly talk abt disabilities.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

It’s A Match Chapter One

Masterlist

Disclaimer

Summary: Filming is over and Henry returns home to and empty house. And he doesn't like it, things are getting to him and he doesn't want to be alone anymore. Then his brother suggests online dating, it sounds mad but henry decides to give it a shot. If worst comes to worst he just deletes the profile. He has nothing to loose right?

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Cheese, Self Indulgent Fic, Rpf, Plus sized reader.

A/N: so I wrote this before the whole 'girlfriend' shock and everything that has followed. I was of two minds whether to ever post it but honestly, this is my blog and I've clearly stated that i am going to continue writing Rpf. I want to do a little ficlet/mini fic and well here we go. It wont be smutty just  somewhat angsty then fluffy. Enjoy~

Taglist: In Reblogs.

Henry slumped back on the seat in his conservatory and sighed, from here he could see his brothers and their wives outside, each snuggled up on the out door wicker sectional he had got to have the family over. It was the first family get together for over a year. He was happy, god it was amazing to see them but... He couldn't help being a tad envious.

They all had a family, wife and kids to go through this shitstorm in. He had no one, well he ha Kal. But that was it he sighed and looked away sipping from his cup slowly takeing a moment for himself. He needed to just chill, but it was getting hard... This year had really knocked him back he was at an all time low he hadn't felt like this for a long time. He knew he was depressed, he felt stupid there was no reason to be but there we go.

Henry had been getting himself all twisted for a while now, filming the Witcher helped but now that was over and he was home alone. Left with his thoughts in a big empty house.

"Sooo little brother want to tell me what's going on or am I gonna have to get mum in here?" Henry jumped at the voice and spun around to face his brother who was keeping a safe distance at the door. Wiping his hands down clearly just having washed them again.

"I ah its nothing, you know me I'm a worry wart" he said waving off his older brother he didn't want to bring down the mood of the small gathering, it was why he had come in here to take a breather.

"You called us all here for a visit hen, out of the blue when lockdown is still being eased out. Its clear you don't want to be alone, yet your sitting in here alone." His older brother said leaning on the door frame folding his arms trying to figure out what was really going on. He could see his little brother was hurting he wanted to help.

"I've got Kal" Henry said with a chuckle and looked about for the bear only to frown and sigh seeing the room was empty apart fro  him and his brother.

"Kal's outside with the kids hen, what's up? You can tell me you know" henry sided as his sibling  moved sitting in the small seat across from him. He knew that his family would listen but he felt so... spoilt like he was asking too much and was being selfish. It wasn't like him.

He grunted leaning back choosing not to look at his brother instead focusing on the cup in his hand. He spun it slightly then heaved a sigh. He wasn't getting away with not speaking about it, he was going to air out his worries one way or another. With his brother or his mother, and he loved his mother but this was? He wanted to keep this issues close to his chest. So far only Kal knew about his problems.

"I... I've had enough... just had enough of fucking covid and being alone... i felt isolated before all this shit kicked off and now?" He vented releasing all the fears he had. It was tough, he was a family man without his own little family, he hadn't managed to find anyone to share his life with and it got to him. He tried being sincere and polite, he took care of himself and tried staying true to himself but... something was missing it had to be! On paper he was a safe bet a good man! Yet his relationships never worked. There were different opinions or his other half couldn't handle the life style or they tried changing him or they couldn't put up with the way he loved so furiously- so openly wanting to always hold and kiss them. It just never quite worked.

"Its- fuck everything has just caught up with me...worries I've had for a few years now I could ignore them you know? I had other stuff going on, was always out and about meetings and press tours I was busy! But now?" He tried putting his feeling into words but he was conscious, he didn't want to whine or bitch about his life. He loved his work and the life he had made for himself he just? Wanted someone to share it with.

"Now after covid you've got all the time in the world to think?" Henry nodded agreeing with his brother. Covid had made him face these fears head on. He has been alone for the best part of a year with the uncertainty of his work and filming quarantines and isolations.

"Yeah, it hurts I'm... I'm in deep and I? I don't know how I'm getting out of this slump" henry finally said outloud, his brother dipped his head listening to him as he ranted. Started letting out all the frustration and anxiety out but stopped short with another growl closeing his hand around the cup tightly hissing in frustration then looked away.

"And what's caused it? I know you hate being alone but?" Henry sighed shaking his head as his brother tried coaxing more out of him. He drew in a shaky breath wanting to cry, he was just so lost and upset over being upset and alone.

"Two lock downs... Two alone- I? If this carries on for the next few years I don't... I don't want to be alone anymore! I want to settle down, I want an actual personal life! A relationship a family and? How? How am I gonna find all that? They want fame or money or something! Women never seem to want me for me, they say the do then judge me for my hobbies- I'm a geek I like tech and games and fantasy! And women don't like that" he spewed the words like they were venom, half ashamed of being so dramatic but the fear was real. Henry was scared, he wanted love. He wanted a family of his own, and it seemed impossible, now more then ever.

"I want to meet someone who will take me as I am, for me and I just I'm giving up. I'm giving up on it I can feel it, almost forty and look, alone unmarried no kids-I have no one to share my life with, it hurts am I not good enough for that?"  He hung his head as he spoke the final words put loud. He felt so vain and full of himself when he said them out loud, his skin crawled.

But it was how he felt, being the muscular decent looking man he was didn't go with his personality. He was a geek and the woman who were drawn to him didn't want that. And the woman that shared his hobbies normally weren't confident enough to even speak to him. Society's views on acceptable couples had put Henry in no mans land.

"What about online dating?" His brother spoke up but Henry just grunted rolling his eyes frustrated.

"What? No I cant do that I'd be fucking swamped" he hissed in irritation frustrated at the mere suggestion of him trying to date online.

"Whoa hold your horses let me finish I mean come on Hen there's bound to be hundreds of shy sweet women on there, I mean girls that are into your hobbies and stuff aren't usually the ones out and about partying and stuff, so its more likely they will be online" his brother quickly explained before Henry could pop off on one and shut him down.

Henry opened his mouth and stopped himself. That was a good point. Many of the women he would click with weren't going to be in bars or fancy parties. They were normally shy and at home most of the time reading or playing games.

"I... You really think i could meet someone? Meet the one online?" He asked in a small voice warming to the idea. His sibling smiled and nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes little brother, your a down to earth guy, just make a profile and have a look, if you don't like what you see you can delete the profile" henry nodded slowly thinking it over. There'd be no harm if he failed well he'd be no worse off, a little disheartened but that's about it.

"Look write down a few things you want in your dream girl, have a pseudo name like fucking I don't know Hank! Or something and say your a runner on set or something" his brother spoke up quickly as Henry sat back and actually thought about it seriously. He was right, henry could tweak things and be careful about what he shared and if he did meet the one then she'd understand... He could explain the predicament he was in. That he just wanted someone who liked him for him. And he would only reveal himself to her if she was the one and he was sure she would understand. As long as he was himself and honest about everything else in his life then there was no harm... and if he used proper photos of himself just... half cropped out then? It wasn't catfishing? Because he was being himself just using the nickname his mother used to call him.

"O-okay so be myself but... Just tweak a few things? So they don't know its me?" He reiterated to his brother still trying to figure out the morality of this whole idea.

"Yes! No full on pictures, no photos of Kal either new photos henry not old, maybe of your eyes up or something? Girls love blue eyed boy- not your right that brown will give you away... you could even fuck em up with a behind the scenes character photo? I mean come on how many men use a superman photo for their profile these days?" He encouraged wanting more then anything to cheer up his little brother.

"I yeah... That could work ,thank you- I'm sorry I got so worked up it... Its just getting to me now" henry apologised but his brother shook his head and chuckled standing up to go back outside to the others that were all happily chatting in the garden.

"I know Hen, look just give it a go, you might be surprized... come on lets get back out there, after all you are the host~ you cant just run off and hide" henry grinned standing and following his brother. It was decided, he'd give online dating a go!

A week later Henry sat at the computer everything was ready, he'd taken some precise photos and had spent the last half hour writing a profile up. He had felt a little guilty about this... Was he lying? Technically it was him, he was going by Hank which was a nickname his parents gave him as a child, luckily this site didn't require a surname because honestly? He had no clue! To fend off some guilt he had thrown in a behind the scenes photo of himself as superman it wasn't much but it helped take the edge off. The other photos were cropped and there were a good few just so that the women knew he wasn't technically a catfish; he even did one with him covering half of his face with a piece of paper with Hank scrawled across it. At the time he felt silly but it helped with his anxiety over the whole thing.

He paused for a second eyeing the screen rereading the profile over and over trying to make sure it was alright and honest. And it was, he had explained a little about himself, his hobbies and interests and his job... Only brushing over he worked for the film and tv industry recently working for Netflix he hadn't exactly explained what he did but there was enough information.

With a deep breath he clicked the button his mouse hovered over going live with the profile. Now all he had to do was wait and hope he caught a good womans eye. Within moments a few profiles popped up, matches. He scanned them flicking through some of the profiles and felt his heart crack. They were all full of badly filtered photos and used slang that to be honest he didn't even understand. What was so hard about using plain English?

He growled growing frustrated clicking through what were clearly a bunch of wannabe sugar babies. Each profile had a main photo a little bit of info then a few more pictures added to them. He scanned each one quickly going through the motions judging each one. 'Too far away... Your clearly not even eighteen?... Oh you like dc? Really hate to break it to you but thor is not a dc character' Henry grunted as he bypassed what felt like hundreds of women each with their own 'duck face' selfie most advertising their Instagram pages some even ballsy enough to add their only fans pages.

'Wait a second who was that?' He paused and scrolled back up and eyed the image on screen. It was a face on photo a cute woman smiling uncomfortably. Unlike everyone else's there was no distorting blur or heavy editing, the only make up was in the form of eyeliner in a set of black slightly uneven cat eyes. A slightly skewed black flicks making a point of no editing on the photo.

She was a full figured woman with proper kissable round cheeks and a sweet nervous grin. Her eyes were what got him, they were kind and genuine he could see she was uneasy about the photo but she was beautiful. She lived about half hour away which wasn't to bad.

Henry clicked the profile and scrolled down she didn't smoke, drunk occasionally and had no children. She did however have a college education in animal care and ran a small business. Centred on dogs by the looks of it. He moved further down reading the profile.

Y/n, 30, business owner, e/c, 5'4, curvy

I'm shy so will take a while to warm up to you. A honest woman, sometimes to honest I don't seem to have a filter 🤗 I'm laid back and tend to be sarcastic and I love animals I'm a kc certified dog breeder as well as run a small successful business that caters to dogs. So if you are allergic or don't like dogs then leave now but thank you for clicking🙃

I spend most of my free time gaming or reading. I enjoy the fantasy genre and love dc and marvel (though I love dc just a tad more🤫)

I have one fur baby in the form of my lovely girl Amii who is a three year old malamute. Yes malamute not a husky or Akita so again if you don't like dogs or big dogs I'm not the girl for you.

I'm looking for someone to have fun and maybe build a life with. Covid has been tough being single and decided that it was about time I tried this whole online dating thing. If you want to chat pop me a message 🥰

I do not have a personal Instagram, snapchat or only fans! Stop asking for pictures!😠😠

Henry's face split into a huge grin. She seemed to good to be true. She was wholesome, successful in her own right and looked fun. She didn't seem to be full of kale and bullshit. Just genuine and? Henry couldn't put his finger on it but there was something drawing him to this woman.

True to her word there was no Instagram link, no only fans or snap chat or anything. He scrolled further seeing photos of her and the biggest fluffiest dog he had ever seen in his life. She was sitting down next to who he assumed was Amii her dog and he melted. Y/n looked happy and content, living her best life.

There was nothing that sent alarm bells ringing, no racey photos or 'Netflix and chill' innuendos. The profile was clean and genuine.  He was right the woman was a little chunky but extraordinarily beautiful. The curves suited her and made her look more... cheerful and he could tell she was strong aswell, you had to be to have a huge dog like that about you.

There were photos of her walking a large pack of dogs in the wood; that he recognised! They were the very same he took Kal to only ten minuets down the road, he even recognised the small logo of her company on the jacket she wore. He had seen dog walkers wearing the same jacket so he knew of her brand. I he remembered correctly the company offered dog walking, grooming and kennel facilities as well as offering Breeding services helping stud dogs and stuff. They also helped advertise registered breeders and took in rescues for rehoming. It was a brilliant little company that he had even used for Kal once or twice to get his teeth cleaned and nails clipped, because Kal was a bugger for his pedicures!

He moved further down seeing more photos of the woman a small section with the games and tv she liked. Witcher was in both the tv and games category aswell as peaky blinders, Vikings and a few other shows.

Henry paused as he saw the chat button. Should he? He but his lip twisting on the spot in he chair rocking from side to side. What harm is there? He could just send a message she looked like a fun loving woman, he shared the same interests and stuff... so why not?

His fingers hovered over the keys ready to type out the words. But he choked. His mind ran blank what does he say? Hi? I saw your profile? Does he ask for a date? What does he do?

He let his hands fall and growled. Then scanned over the side of the message bar seeing a few pre-typed responses.

'It's a match!' 'You look fun, lets chat' 'I like your profile picture'

He winced they all seemed... wrong? Somehow they were polite and all but it- they wasn't personal or anything just... not quite right. He looked down as Kal came padding over and slumped next to him resting his chin on his foot with a loud sigh. With that Henry had an idea typing away a little message and hitting send before he could really think.

You sighed typing away the latest wage slips and added up all the various overtime, you really needed some more staff on now that lockdown was coming to an end. Thankfully animal care was essential so you hadn't been hit too hard a few staff were on furlough as they were extreme high risk and shielding but you were going out of your way to make the premises covid safe. Luckily it wasn't too hard as much of the business was just a few staff and lots of dogs.

You frowned when a chat icon popped up in to corner of your screen. 'Hank?' You though trying to remember if you knew a Hank? Maybe a client or some old friend... but you honestly couldn't recall. You l saved your document and clicked the small icon bringing up a chat and frowned a you read the little message.

'I call my dog bear but he has nothing on Amii, Shes the fluffiest dog I've ever seen in my life she looks perfect for bear hugs😅'

'what the hell?' You cursed scrunching your nose up at the screen rereading the words. That's a bit random... you clicked his icon a small photo of half of his face then froze as a dating profile opened up. 'Oh... shit' you said seeing that your own profile you'd set up a few days ago out of curiosity had garnered the attention of the handsome blue eyed stranger. You swallowed biting you lip thoughts of finishing updating your records now gone as you scanned Hanks profile and a small smile crossed your face.

Hank, 37, works in the film industry. Blue eyes, 6ft, muscular.

Decided to finally try this online dating, unsure what to say other then I'm looking for a life partner. I like to think I'm funny and laid back. I'm fit and active but that doesn't mean you have to be, but maybe my lady could come for walks with me and my four legged son? I promise he's my best freind and a good boy.

My job is tough and I'm away for long periods of time, but when I'm home I like to play games and am into warcraft. I paint miniatures when I can. Fantasy and superheroes are a big part of my hobbies so if you don't like all things geek then I'm probably not for you.

But if they are? Then feel free to message me, I will reply when I can.

You read and re-read the profile And your hands hovered over your chicklet keyboard. Biting your lip, do you respond? He seemed sweet and real... if that made sense. You took a deep breath. What was the worst that could happen? Asking for a plane ticket? You decided to take a chance and typed back a reply hitting send whilst you had your nerve and then flushed.

"And they say fluffy dogs only lure in women~" You giggled to yourself  moving a hand over the huge fluffy girl beside you giving her pets whislt thinking of a reply.

[absurdthirst]

hi um this might be a little weird to ask, but i’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now on top of being friends for months (and some of those months have been some of my emotionally and mentally harshest) and i’ve started wanting to have sex with him but i don’t know how, i guess?

i’ve thought of myself as demisexual even before we started dating, and he’s always been super respectful and understanding about it (like he still asks if it’s okay to kiss me, and if we’re kissing and he starts thinking he might get excited, he’ll pull himself away from me so he doesn’t even get to the point where he might make me feel like he’s pressuring me into something i don’t want to do), and i hate him because he makes me feel so loved and cherished and secure in our relationship that now i want to do something special for him but i don’t know what 🥲🥲

i’ve never talked to my friends about anything sexual and i don’t even know if they know i’m a virgin or that my boyfriend and i don’t have sex (it doesn’t matter in our friendship, so we just don’t talk about it much since they know i don’t really contribute when they do), so idk if i should even talk to them about it, but i know you always help your anons so here i am asking about how to lose my virginity, i guess???

i was thinking of maybe wearing something cute? he always tells me my legs are pretty, and when i was walking his drunkass home, he mumbled about wanting to feel my thighs, so i think he might be into them? i have a short, backless (i’d caught him checking out my back when i was in a swimsuit last summer) slip dress sitting in one of my online shopping carts. i’m tall as well, so it might cut a little higher than shown, and i’m not planning on wearing a bra with it, either, just a skimpy panty since i would be too embarrassed going out in it and being seen wearing that by anyone but him.

i’m planning on waiting in his apartment until he gets home (he goes to work two days every week while i’m fully work from home and stay over at his more often than i stay at my shared apartment) and i’m hoping to surprise him by waiting on his bed. is that too cliché??? like i want him to see me and just 😳😧🤤😵‍💫. after that, i’m not really sure.

should i plan it out in my head? or should i just go with the flow? what should i expect? or like, as a virgin, what should i need to know? should i start dropping hints that i want to have sex like purposely tease him and stuff until he brings it up? or should i just surprise him?? help me please

First, make very sure that this is a step that you want to take as well as giving that step to your boyfriend. Please do not just have sex because you want to do something special for him. I feel like that is not the case, but I wanted to reiterate it.

Second, if it is a step that you want to take/am curious about exploring with a man who prioritizes your comfort - good for you!

It sounds like you have the outfit planned out. Especially if it something he has been eying. Although don't be surprised if he likes it better on the floor. 😂

I wouldn't necessarily tease him. With the restrictions that he has either self imposed, or have been discussed previously, without a clear change to the dynamic, it can been seen in his mind as a little cruel. It think the surprise would be better. Now, expect him to ask if you are sure about a hundred times 😂

With your plan to wear the sexy dress and spread out on his bed, you can add a few more details so he is very aware of what is going on. You can do the entire rose petals (get the fake ones from a party store) leading from the door to the bedroom. Have some deliciously scented candles burning. When I'm really doing the whole shebang, I will have a plate of chocolate dipped strawberries. ZERO question of what is happening.

While it is special for him, it is also very special for you. And since you are a virgin, make sure you have a clear idea on what you are interested in versus what toes the line of your comfortability. I know things will change while you are in the moment, but it's always good to have an idea.

Have some lube and a condom available, just in case. And honestly? Don't expect him to last a long time once the actual sex is happening. I don't know your ages/his experience, but I know in my experience (I've taken 3 guys virginity 😳) stamina is built up over time.

The two of you might fumble around and be a bit awkward at first. Sex can be awkward, embarrassing noises happen, his dick doesn't go in on the first try, shit - there's a cramp, that position doesn't work for you - makes you feel like you need to fart. ALL kinds of things. But with as sweet as he is and as respectful as he is to you about your comfort level with intimacy, it sounds like you have picked a wonderful man to take the next step with.

[yuzukult]

effortlessly pt. 2 || jungkook & reader

title: effortlessly pairing: jungkook x reader genre: fluff, romance, school!au, smut (not in this chapter) words: ~3.0k notes: this fic might be longer or shorter than planned, i have no idea what i’m planning for this so...... yeah, figured i should drop something before i drown myself bc i have finals for my online summer semester ;u;

o young love, how i wish i could go back in time // also it’s not edited yet, i usually proofread about 5x because i have the worse eyesight and i read too fast :D series: part one || part two || part three || part four || part five || part six || part seven || part eight || part nine || part ten || epilogue 

The chlorine from the school’s pool overwhelms your senses, triggering you to sneeze a couple times into the crook of your arm. “Bless you!”

Lifting your head to meet your gaze with the owner of the words, you see Jungkook standing before you, swimming cap in one hand and a towel in the other, tousling his hair dry. He doesn’t have a shirt on, just his bathing trunks that hang loosely on his hips, and you swear that if he wasn’t preoccupied, he would’ve seen the drool coming from the corner of your mouth.

“Uh, thanks.”

“You came.” He grins, plopping his wet body onto the bench beside you as you grimace at the water from his trunks splattering at you. “I kind of thought I scared you away earlier.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” You say, feigning ignorance. “You told me the other day you wanted me to come by after practice and here I am.”

“You know what I’m talking about. That ‘crush’ conversation.” 

You roll your eyes at him, pushing him away playfully. “I thought I told you it was Yura with the crush.” Jungkook shakes his head in dismissal, clicking his tongue in unison. “I’ve known you your entire life. You’re telling me that I can’t tell when you’re lying?”

“No, but—” He’s leaning close, his soaked fringe dripping onto your skin, goosebumps forming on your arms. “What?”

“Just trying to get a better read on you.” The proximity between you and Jungkook is small, so small that you don’t realize you’ve been holding your breath the entire time until he backs away and you let out a deep exhale. “W-What for?” You manage to respond.

“What do you think about us... doing it again?” 

He’s not looking at you this time, hands running through his drenched locks, eyes never leaving the concrete ground. The question startles you. For one, Jungkook was being shy. He never seemed to hide things from you before but that assumption was proven wrong when you saw the girl he brought him the other day. Jungkook didn’t even hesitate to call you up when he just took the biggest shit or even when he picked the longest booger. Why was he suddenly acting bashful?

“... again?” You reiterate, hands clutching onto the bench. “You want to do what again?”

“Uh... sleep together.”

“Jeon, we always sleep together. I don’t understand why you’re being weird—“

“No,” he sighs frustratedly at himself, knowing his question was unclear while slouching over in his seat. “When I say sleep together, I meant have sex again. I feel like I fucked up our first time together and I want to make up for it.”

Oh. Was that all? After the incident, you’d been as emotionally intelligent as you could, pushing to the back of your mind the fact that you’re so in love with Jeon Jungkook and you’ve both had his first kiss and virginity— for him, likewise. How yes, these things were far from perfect but to you, it was perfect because it was with him. That’s all that mattered.

“You don’t need to make up for anything. It was good! You took care of me and made sure I was okay. Apparently, it hurts like hell but you made it bearable.”

“I... really want to try again. What if we try teaching each other so that when the time comes and we meet someone, we’re ready?”

By the time we meet someone. The words burned in your heart, hissing as the pain clenched your chest. You knew that you didn’t want to meet ‘someone,’ you just wanted Jungkook. Just then, the girl comes to mind.

“Is it about that girl?” Jungkook’s head shoots in your direction, brows crinkled in confusion. “What girl?”

You’re chewing your bottom lip anxiously, waving your hanging legs above the ground. “I saw you bring a girl home the other day. Is it about her?”

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change for a moment before an ‘ah’ escapes his mouth with the memory. “You mean Dahyun? I’m tutoring her in my free time. I needed some money. What? Are you jealous?” His lips tug in a mischievous smile; he’s genuinely enjoying the way your face contorts into realization, his heart warm at the idea of you wary of someone else capturing his attention. 

“No.” You quickly mutter under your breath, a bit annoyed with yourself for letting your emotions get to you so quickly. This was Jungkook you were talking about here— the one guy who could pretty much land a date with any girl at your school, yet he’s over here playing games with you instead. It’s no surprise that he’s teasing you again but you’re wishing he was serious.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re the only girl in my life?” 

You shove him off the bench, rolling your eyes. “Why did you want me here again?” He’s on the floor, a hearty laugh roaring from his chest. He’s effortlessly handsome like this and it’s no wonder that you’ve fallen for him. 

“I think you should reconsider my question and let me know when you’re ready. But besides that,” Jungkook is getting off of the solid ground, rubbing his bottom in the process. “I want you to come to my swim meet this Friday. You’re my good luck charm and I can’t win without you.”

“Why do I feel like those one of girls who are hopelessly in love with him?” You grumble into your arms, rubbing your hands into your face dishearteningly. “I feel so stupid, falling for his charms and everything. You know what he said to me again today?”

Yura’s in the process of shoving the cheesy goodness of tteokbokki into her mouth, sauce spilling out on the sides of her lips. She always had the biggest appetite and ate messily but it never stopped the queue of men standing outside her locker trying to shove in love letters on Valentine’s Day. Yura was a pure beauty— you always found yourself curious how the two of you became friends because you thought you weren’t as special, just average. But nonetheless, Yura had never failed to be there for you, through thick and thin, and your love for her in this friendship was almost the equivalent to what you felt for Jungkook. Except you were in love with Jungkook.

“Wha de he say?” She doesn’t even wait to finish swallowing her food, she just speaks through it, spitting some of the hot sauce onto your side of the table as you scowl in disgust. 

“Jesus, Yura, chew and swallow first.”

“Sorry,” She smiles cheekily after emptying her mouth. “What did he say?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re the only girl for me? I want you to come to my swim meet this Friday. You’re my good luck charm and I can’t win without you.”

Both of Yura’s brows raise up. “Oh wow, he’s definitely smitten with you. So, when are you gonna tell him that you’re ‘hopelessly in love’ with him?”

You sigh. “I can’t. I’ll ruin our friendship.”

“You’re doing this ass backwards,” She says, shaking her head as she picks out a fish cake from the bowl. “You guys fucked and yet you think that confessing your feelings will ruin your friendship?”

Shrugging your shoulders, you exhale another deep breath of sadness. “I’m just happy with where we are. I like being the special one in his life. What if I tell him and he doesn’t reciprocate feelings?”

“Worry about it then.” She responds casually, stuffing another spoonful into her mouth. “I don’t understand why people get so scared of telling someone how they feel. You never know your opportunity until you try it. Plus, it’s Jungkook. You really think he’s going to just drop you after all these years?”

Maybe Yura was right. Well— there was no way in hell you’d let her know that because her ego would swell up and get the best of her, but she made a valid point. Jungkook doesn’t know that you like him, right? So what if he did feel something for you?

“Think about it. Has he ever had a girlfriend?”

Silent, you’re almost skimming your mental memory of any recollection of Jungkook having a relationship. “Honestly, no.”

“And he tells you everything.”

“Correct.” You answer again. 

“Don’t you feel like he’s waiting for something? Or someone in particular? You even mentioned it before, he happens to have the entire women population of this school crawling at his feet and all he does is act dumb.”

A floral square neck short sleeve crop top and blue jeans were what you decided to leave the house with for Jungkook’s swim competition but you don’t feel like yourself underneath this fabric. In actuality, you would never find yourself walking out the house in something so... fitted, opting for something more comfortable and breathable, but you knew today wasn’t a day for that. You’d gather enough courage to finally tell Jungkook that you didn’t want to be just friends anymore, you were ready to take it to the next level.

Sitting down on the bleachers of the humid arena, the stench of chlorine attacks your sense of smell again. You could never understand what it felt like to be Jungkook— he lived for the aroma of the water entering in his nostrils, the feeling of water touching his skin for hours, having so much control whenever he was in the pool. Whenever he was stressed, angry or sad, the first place you’d look for him would be here. Mediations were for some people, but swimming was for Jungkook.

He’s walking toward you, a beautiful grin spreading from ear to ear, wearing what seems to be insufferable competitive swim trunks that hug the lower half his body so tightly it could be a second layer of skin. He hasn’t worn his cap yet, but he’s holding it in his hand with his goggles, arms opened wide for you to come into his embrace.

“I’m seriously so happy you’re here. And look at you! All dressed up. Is this for me?” You scoff yet you’re already in his arms, face snuggled into his bare chest. He smelled like the water but when it’s coming from him, the scent is intoxicating.  “Why would you even expect me not to come? I’m always rooting for you and your dreams, you idiot.” 

For a brief moment, you’re standing on the sidelines with his arms wrapped around your frame and his chin resting on your head. Being with Jungkook was different, he made you feel a way that none of the guys that came into your life have made you feel. 

Summers ago, you met this handsome boy, Taehyung. He was a few years older than both you and Jungkook and a member of the same swim team as Jungkook. Taehyung was the love that you knew realistically would never like you back. He was close to graduation, prepping for the recruiters who would attend their swim competitions to see potential candidates for colleges. Girls were flaunting themselves on him just as much as Jungkook and just as similar to him, his aspirations were a priority. Those girls were put in the back burner. He’d make your heart swell in your chest, constantly bringing you snacks and checking in on you occasionally as you study on the sidelines by the pool, waiting for your best friend to finish practice. You recall telling Jungkook about your childish crush on the guy you barely knew and him responding with, “You just think he’s cute. I don’t think you really like him,” or “He’s just being nice! He’s nice to everyone. Don’t fall for his charms so quickly.”

All of your feelings for Taehyung disappeared the day he graduated, saying his goodbyes to both you and Jungkook while in his blue gown, newly dyed platinum locks disheveled underneath his cap. He ruffles Jungkook’s hair, eyes gleaming toward the younger male before saying, “Take care of yourself, will ya? And take care of the little one too. Don’t let her fall between the cracks.” With that, he left with a scholarship to swim for the college team abroad in the United States, and you haven’t heard from him since.

The whistle blows, signaling the swimmers to get in their positions, and Jungkook lets go of you and you’re suddenly feeling empty. But the look he gifts you is loving, the reflection of the sunlight hitting the pool touches his face before he’s putting on his swim cap and goggles. 

Jungkook is standing on the platform, side by side with other competitors from local high schools. Although you’ve come to almost all his practices and attended every single swim meet, you couldn’t exactly grasp onto any of the rules or the jargon but Jungkook never held that against you. He just wanted you there as his personal cheerleader, standing in the bleachers, watching him perform the greatest act as each time he does this is better than the last.

The referee blows a short series of whistles, initiating the start of the race and Jungkook dives into the water in mere milliseconds amongst the rest of the swimmers. He’s fast—incredibly fast that you’re afraid to blink because you might miss something important. 

Jungkook was placed in the freestyle 100m event; his coach evidently complimented him constantly for his ability to adapt to the time and switch the types of strokes he needed to use in order to beat anyone neck and neck with him. 

Today was no exception. Jungkook hit his first lap in third place; a technique he learned was to never overexert your strengths in the beginning because in the last portion of the race was where you want to push yourself to the fullest. The amount of videos he made you sit through the entirety of throughout your life was countless. He would plop himself in front of the television or computer for hours, observing the olympic and professional swimmers tactics because his parents couldn’t afford a private teacher for him. It wasn’t until high school that he had a real coach, someone who could dedicate their time in training and shaping Jungkook into the athlete he wanted to be. Before that, he would come to school’s indoor pool almost daily to just swim laps and test out what he watched on the internet.

His second lap was closing to its end and like every other swim meet, your stomach was doing flips. There was so much faith in Jungkook, from you, his parents, his team, but you weren’t sure how he felt about himself. He never failed to impress everyone, swooning the hearts of both males and females during these events however never once has he expressed his anxiety before a competition. He just did it because he loved it. Swimming was Jungkook’s passion.

The male next to him is close, they’re strokes away from each other to the point you can��t even tell who’s in the lead. It ends so quickly that the referee blows into his whistle before you realize as Jungkook ascends from the water, snapping off his cap and goggles as he eyes the man in the white and black striped shirt before glancing over at his opponent.

The referee grabs Jungkook’s wrist with another scream of the whistle, and excitedly, Jungkook smacks the water. He won.

Towel hanging around his neck, his eyes sparkle at the sight of you approaching after his team congratulates him eagerly on his win. If you knew better, the sight of you was his own personal win.

“Congrats, Jeon.” You say, playfully pulling on his drenched locks. “I knew you’d win. You always win.”

“I always win because you’re here.” There he goes again, tugging on your heartstrings so carelessly. “Come join us for dinner after this.”

“Only if you dedicate some alone time with me for dessert.” You have no idea what being possess you because you’re abruptly so bold. “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” He tilts his head questioningly. “Now you’re just tempting me to cancel dinner and go right to dessert. What do you want to talk about?”

“Just... stuff,” You say, pursing your lips. Before Jungkook can even say anything, another teammate comes up to him, slapping him on his buttock with a bright smile. “Look at little Kook, I’m not even surprised he even won.”

“I told you, I got myself a personal cheerleader. You should get one too.” Jungkook says, grasping onto your arm. “It’s a real energy booster when they’re cute too.”

“Oooo, maybe I can borrow your cheerleader!” His teammate teases but Jungkook clicks his tongue threateningly. “Get your own, this one is mine.” His teammate laughs before shaking his head and walking away to the rest of the group.

“I’m still curious what you’re going to say to me.” He says, turning back to direct his attention onto you. “You think you can skip waiting ‘til dessert and tell me now?”

“No.” 

“Oh, come on!” He whines and despite his height, he still can throw a tantrum like a child. “I really want to—“

“Oppa?”

The two of you divert your fixation onto the owner of the soft voice; blinking blankly, your eyes browse over the girl. You assume it’s Dahyun because her hair is down like the other day and her petite body seems familiar and you’re proven right when Jungkook calls out her name.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have a math test tomorrow that you need to study for?”

She has a pink gift bag in her hand, butterfly and heart stickers decorated all over. The bag looks heavy with how the handles stretch to the fullest extent. You’re chewing your bottom lip now; Dahyun was going to confess and you’re unsure if Jungkook can tell.

“Can we talk in private for a moment, Oppa? I have to tell you something.”

“You can tell me here.” He gestures your presence with a grin on his face. “I don’t have anything to hide from her, she doesn’t judge so tell me what you have to say freely. And if she does judge...” Jungkook’s gaze shifts to you as he squints his eyes. “I’ll just beat her up.”

“Oppa, I think I like you. Will you go out with me?” 

[gammija]

Does 170 confirm Martin’s domain?

I know, i know, it’s been 5 weeks since MAG170, and meta/discourse online currently moves at the breakneck speed of one week/episode... But! recently while discussing tma theories with people the idea came up that 170 definitively confirmed Martin’s domain as the Lonely.

I don’t think that that’s the case however, so I wanted to write this post to explain why I think that.

(Not primarily to convince anyone that I’m right, though that’d be a nice bonus ;). More just so I have all my thoughts down in one spot that I can link to in the future, hah. Also, this post is not necessarily arguing that Martin’s domain is definitely not the Lonely - though that, to be fair, is my bias - only that 170 didn’t confirm it one way or the other.)

[Spoilers up to 175] Okay so

there are a few other assumptions/theories about domains and avatars I’m using for the final conclusion above! So I’ll first try to prove those, and then show how 170 does or doesn’t fit them.

1) Martin actually has a domain, because the question was raised and left unanswered in 167:

Martin: “What about me?” Jon: “Would you… like me to -” Martin: “No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.”

If we aren’t meant to wonder which it is, I’m sure there would’ve been some sort of answer or guess from either Jon or Martin. It would’ve been easy to have either of them suggest the Lonely (or even another Fear), or to simply say that Jon only meant full avatars, and Martin doesn’t have one. So from a meta standpoint, the lack of an answer makes it more likely that there is one, and it’s important.

2) Saying that a domain is “[Someone’s] domain” requires that someone to be (on their way to becoming) an avatar of that fear. This is the only way that the word has been used in relation to people in s5, otherwise it’s used as [Fear’s] domain. Never is the domain the property of the victims.

167: Jon tells us explicitly that domain means “the place that feeds us”, and that Gertrude would “have resigned herself to - ruling her domain.” 168: “This is Oliver Banks’ domain.”  

3) An avatar, while they might be conflicted about their actions, does genuinely like some essential aesthetic of their Fear and indulging in it. That’s shown in basically all the known avatars’ statements, and in 111: 

Gerard: “Do you like [compelling people]? Jon : “[...] Yes, I… I suppose I do.”

The only avatars that don’t follow this are Michael and Gertrude. But then again, the Distortion is a unique case - it existed long before it became Michael and was forced to become him, and was forcibly taken over by Helen, who does seem to follow the trend. Gertrude, I admit I have less of a good defence for, though she’s also just canonically hard to read in general - and it is implied that she’s not (as good) an avatar to the Eye as Jon because she doesn’t really have an affinity for it.

The difficult thing about this one for Martin is that our only model for a full, confirmed Lonely avatar is Peter. We definitely know that he enjoys being lonely - but it’s hard to say for certain whether that’s a prerequisite of going full avatar, or just. peter.

4) Avatars enjoy a position of privilege in their domains. That’s evidenced in basically every domain for which we’ve seen the avatar; Jude wasn’t stuck burning, Jared wasn’t stuck in the ground, Simon wasn’t fleeing ‘Junior’ or stuck in it.

(I realize I’m talking a lot about specific word choices and such here, so, sorry for being pedantic :’D But I’m not going to stop, since in my experience, with tma it pays off to be pedantic. (‘why hasnt any ritual ever succeeded’, ‘why are people being weird about Elias being head of the institute’, ‘hey if you count jons scars he's almost got one from every fear lol’, etc are all questions based on small details that turned out to have legitimate answers. specificity matters.)(... Excluding timeline stuff))

Regarding 170

So, combining those three, if the Lonely really is Martin’s domain and he's partaking in it, I'd expect him to have a position higher than those of the other victims, and to be somewhat enjoying himself (even though he’d definitely hate it if he were) or at least not dislike the core idea of the Lonely.

There certainly are a few parts in the episode in which Martin admits to not finding this domain so bad: 

“Sometimes I wonder if I forget things on purpose. Easier not to think about them, I guess. Easier to just let them… slip away. They can’t hurt you if you don’t think about them; they can’t shout at you or call you names.”

“I’m losing myself, and I - and I don’t know if I mind? Maybe I deserve it. So much of what’s behind the fog hurts. So much of it just makes me wanna curl up with pain and embarrassment and - Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.”

“Honestly, I - I wanted to believe it.”

“It’s comforting here, leaving all those - painful memories behind.”

“It’s the Lonely, John. It’s me.”

… Except that almost all of those are followed up immediately with refutals: 

This one peters (hah) off into Martin panicking over forgetting his Mom’s face, and saying he shouldn’t be there.

“Maybe I asked the fog to come. No. No, no - no, no, no, that’s not true!”

“I wanted to believe it. But I didn’t.”

“But - It’s not a good comfort, it’s - i,it’s the kind that makes you fade, makes you dim and - distant.

“Not anymore.” “- No. No, not anymore.”

On top of that, there are all the times that Martin reiterates that he doesn’t like this place, or being alone in general:

This, This isn’t my house! [..] I don’t like it here.

I don’t like it. Why does my house smell like that, I - It can’t be my house. No, no, no; my, my - My house doesn’t smell like this! My house smells… s-smells different.

I shouldn’t be alone; there should be people!

I don’t know why I’d decorate my house like this; I don’t like it! I like - (breaking off) Wh- I, It’s not my home; it can’t be. [...] I don’t like it here.

Where am I? This isn’t right; I shouldn’t be here.

I don’t like this place.

It certainly doesn’t seem like the kind of place that somebody called Martin would live. Martin. It feels like a small name. One that wants to be warm and happy. Not like here.

[The entirety of his last paragraph before Jon finds him]

I should add that a lot of Lonely victims (13, 48, 108) like their solitude, so Martin occasionally liking being alone doesn’t preclude him from being a victim.

Furthermore, Martin doesn’t seem at all to be in any better position than any of the other Lonely victims: 

“They’re all trying to remember. T-To recall, to picture someone, anyone who loves them, and their hearts are all full of fear. Afraid that those people are gone forever. That maybe - maybe they never existed at all.”

That describes Martin’s experience this episode almost exactly, except that he hasn’t been there as long, and has both an Eye avatar and some tape recorders looking out for him.

He doesn’t sound to me like an equivalent to other avatars in their domains: he sounds like the victim.

Other counter arguments: 

I’ve seen the argument that the privilege Martin gets here, is the knowledge of all those other victims.That him knowing that they exist, and what they’re struggling with, proves that it’s his domain. Honestly though, I think that’s not a very strong argument, seeing as he explicitly says he’s seen them, which makes sense as he’s been able to see victims in other domains as well. And describing their experience isn’t that hard either, seeing as he’s just had a similar one (and has prior experience with the Lonely to boot). So there’s an easy explanation for how he knew this, without the Lonely having to be his domain.

There’s also the idea that in 170, “house” is a metaphor for domain, and since Martin occasionally thinks that it’s his house, that means that it’s his domain. Two problems there:

he spends just as much time saying that it’s not his house.

the (other) victim he runs into also thinks it’s their house at first.

So while I think the idea has merit as an analysis, it still doesn’t definitively prove Martin’s domain one way or the other.

*DEEP INHALE*

SO! In the end, 170 to me is anything but conclusive about what Martin’s domain is, and hopefully at least was able to show why I think that way. TL;DR: 

If the Lonely were Martin’s domain, he should be like the other avatars in theirs, not stuck in it as a victim;

Martin in 170 seems to be a victim;

Therefore 170 doesn’t confirm that the Lonely is his domain.

[streetlightsky]

*tries to physically restrain myself from asking literally all of them* 1, 3, 8, 10, 18, 19, 22 <3

ohhh, this post got long, whoops. but literally this is why i rejoined tumblr again. thanks for the ask, lovely! 💖

fic ask game

1. Tell us about your current project(s) – what's it about, how's progress, what do you love most about it?

i have two (~and a half) wips lined up. the one i intend to finish and post next is a 5+1 fic. sebchal, of course; set in the normal racing world with a twist! finished the first section and am almost done with the second. i'm currently in my post fic writing hiatus, though, so progress has been halted a bit. what i love most about it, though, is writing a trope i always wanted to but never got the chance to really flesh out with any past fandoms/ships. even better, i get to write this trope literally six different ways with the 5+1 format, so i'm excited to get these unique but similar ideas out there. no spoilers, sorry!

the other wip is a longish au i started last year, but it needs a lot of work and might be a series, so i've put it on the back burner. but i love the idea of this one--again, writing another trope i've never gotten to publish before. i guess you could say my favorite part of writing these is shoving sebchal into different situations/scenarios/aus to see if their original dynamic will sink or swim and then building an entire fic around those that pass that mental test of mine.

3. What is that one scene that you've always wanted to write but can't be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

THERE'S A LOT. a lot of scenes that just exist in my head without the benefit of an actual storyline; a lot of ideas from my 'fics i'll never write' tag that come to me in that moment but probably won't be much more; outtakes from my posted works or even former ideas that i thought i would write but were abandoned; etc.

there's a slightly nsfw scene for a sebchal model!au that i will never write where seb is doing an obligatory photoshoot for a team sponsor and model!charles just happens to crash it, and after, model!charles drives seb to his italian villa or whatever and they get to third base outside on a balcony, 😉.

then, there were two extended epilogues to roots on the rooftop that i ended up abandoning. the first was going to be sebchal house hunting in monaco for a new place together, and they tour some swanky new place, and the bathroom lights are on the floor again, but there's a rooftop, and seb kind of just shrugs when charles asks if he likes it because it doesn't matter to him as long as they're together. and then the second one would be them together in switzerland. i had this written:

He had followed Seb to Switzerland like an idiot. But it was okay. It was quiet and hilly and a two-hour flight away from his mother and brothers, but there was Seb, and that was what made it home.

basically a reiteration of the first epilogue in a different locale and the reverse of the rest of the fic, which essentially takes place in monaco aside from the racing. (also a reverse of postcards as that one took place in switzerland and then the very last epilogue was in monaco.)

8. Is what you like to write the same as what you like to read?

mostly, yes. i am picky with what i write because i have to be able to envision the ship's dynamic in that situation in order for me to even consider it, and that generally applies to what i like to read. that being said, there are some aus i can enjoy if done right--coffee shop au, apocalypse au, others i can't think of right now--but am unlikely to write because i have no talent in that department. there's a fanfic trope tier list i saw online; i might do it and post for fun.

10. How would you describe your writing process?

long and full of editing. some kind of outline will crop up anywhere between 0-75% of the writing being done. but really, it's just constant editing--editing the current section while i'm writing it; editing the former sections when i need to remember what was set up and the tone; editing after the whole fic has been written; editing right before i hit post on ao3. a lot of random research too throughout the process. i don't know, this is not very descriptive, but i could probably write an entire post on the process and use like one of my recent fics as an example.

18. Do any of your stories have alternate versions? (plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterizations?) Tell us about them.

i intended for miss you (most at christmas time), nothing else that i will need (this christmas), and in my heart (is a christmas tree farm) to be exactly that: three alternate versions of one story, which was charles' anxiety of losing seb after the 2020 season. it wasn't done very well, but that was the original inspiration. i think this question might serve better for my current wips, but i don't want to give anything away... but yes. the answer is definitely yes, 😜.

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favorite verb, something you describe 'too often,' trope you can't get enough of?

i feel like in my recent works, you can almost always find any variation of "But that was okay." i don't know why, but i like it, and it usually works well for the tone. (it's literally in that snippet i posted above, LOL.) i also really like to describe heartbeats and utilize that rhythm to try and heighten the emotion in a scene of particular significance.

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

uh... how old are we talking? there are a handful of works that are 5+ years old posted on ao3 that i'm not interested in reading again because i feel rather embarrassed about the writing and actual story. but there are some gems over the past few years that i reread every once in a long while and think, 'yeah, this was great, brings me right back into the feels.'

[mlqcconfessions]

Hi I absolutely love your headcanons. I have epilepsy and these can take many forms for me (full on seizures, absence seizures (looks like I've zoned out) and muscle spasms where I drop things and break them (I will cry cause I feel like my body is betraying me). I have anxiety and although I'm 4 years seizure free I always have a fear of 'what if today is the day' and having to remember to take my meds everyday. Can I have a HC of the boys taking care of MC with epilepsy and how they help her.

Although I’m not too familiar with the technical side of epilepsy, I did have a close high school friend who would occasionally get seizures during classes. I did a little research on my own time! Hope you enjoy it!

MLQC Headcanon - The closest one to you

Victor

You weren’t afraid to tell him about you having epilepsy (he didn’t want you to hide anything from him, anyways)

He wants you to describe everything to him (if you feel any pain, what medications you take, what he could do to help, etc)

He hires a professional to be your temporary carer

He didn’t like the fact that he wasn’t the one closest to you anymore

But with the way he is now, he won’t be that helpful to you

And he KNOWS that (that’s what makes it so frustrating)

He spends his free time between work to study up on epilepsy (and how to be a carer)

You’re worried that he’s dedicating so much of his precious time (and you know just how Victor feels about time)

“Have you forgotten who I am?” (he’s so cheeky sometimes)

He finishes clearing documents at a demonic speed (Goldman reiterates, I TOLD you he was an alien)

In the meantime, he does the simple tasks (ones that don’t require extensive knowledge)

He is ON YOU when you’re taking medications (Time is literally of the essence, MC)

He has a chart by his office desk with your details (so he knows what time, how many, how often you need to take the pills)

Because he can’t always be with you, he orders the professional carer to be by your side at all times (but makes him maintain a private distance that won’t make the CEO husband angry)

You haven’t had seizures for quite a while, but it’s always on the back of your mind

Victor knows that you’re worried about this (it makes him upset that there’s nothing he can do about it)

Although he can’t prevent future seizure from happening, he does his best to reassure you that he WILL be by your side to take care of you

“I don’t believe you, Victor” (this is your chance to make him BEG)

He doesn’t say anything for while, but picks up his phone to call someone

You can faintly hear the voice on the other side of the line

“Goldman, gather up all the employees in the building and have them meet at the main lobby” (....sorry sir, but can I ask just why...?)

“Victor, what are you—”

“Well, my wife here doesn’t believe me when I say I’m going to be by her side always” (....and....you want me to gather everyone because.....)

“Because if I actively proclaim my love to her in front of a crowd, she’ll trust my words” (he’s looking at you, smirking)

“Victor, you wouldn’t!”

“Try me”

The line hangs up (Goldman doesn’t get paid enough for this)

Kiro

He’s heard of it, but knows NOTHING about it (except a little about the seizures)

He’s scared when you talk about your past experiences

“And are you okay now?” (he has these puppy dog eyes)

“Well, I haven’t had these seizures for quite some time now” (omg you just want to hug him and kiss him all over)

Savin notices Kiro reading a lot more during schedules

Wait. Kiro. READING????? 

Yes.

Sunshine boy is trying so hard to understand what epilepsy is

So he bookmarked all these articles online to read on his spare time

But God help him, he doesn’t comprehend what these words mean

He figured it was easier to just talk to a professional about it

Later in the week, he wants you to come over to his house on his day off

When you go inside, his entire house has been fortified

No more sharp edges, no more hard floors, security alarms set in every room?

“Ta-dah!” (Kiro proudly shows off his new home)

“Kiro...what....what’s all this for?”

“I think your apartment is too dangerous for you to stay by yourself” (he ushers you to sit down)

“It would be fine if I can regularly go to your house, but Savin said that’s too risky” (and risky it WAS, with all the fans following his every move)

“So I decided the best option was to bring you to MY home!”

Although it’s a little sudden, you can tell that he’s genuinely worried for you

“Haha...thank you, Kiro” (you get up to hug him)

“You’re welcome, MC” (he squeezes you even tighter)

“You’re free to use this house as you please. You can even change the interior here!” (No, that’s okay Kiro)

“When I can’t stay here during work, I’ll send my stylists over to check up on you” (he smooths your hair down)

“But don’t get too along with them! I’m going to get jealous!” (he puffs his cheeks out what the heck, that’s adorable)

You reach out to kiss his nose

“Don’t worry, you’re the only one I can get this intimate with”

He immediately picks you up, and you’re dangling over his shoulders

“Well, I don’t think that’s intimate enough” (sunshine? More like sun-KISSED)

Lucien

If there’s anyone more familiar with how epilepsy works, it’s Dr. Lu Lu

He knows more than you?

He doesn’t think it’s necessary to hire a professional carer (he’s the best carer, wdym)

He’s prepared to the fullest 

You tell him that it’s been a while since your last seizure

“We can never be too sure, MC”

Although you haven’t moved into the same house yet, he frequently drops by your apartment (he doesn’t leave until the next day)

During lectures he always looks back at you (to make sure you’re doing fine)

AFTER lectures he makes sure your........physical form is in top condition (SFW if you know what I mean)

He worries that you’re overwhelmed with work sometimes

Offers to lessen your load by helping you edit videos

He’s actually good at making videos? (Youtuber in the making?)

You sometimes ask him to brew tea for you (it helps you relax)

He has a designated cup in his house just for you (when you’re not there, he places it in the display case)

You’re not actually interested in drinking tea

You just like how elegant he looks when he’s brewing

The soft smell of chamomile and lavender in his room is so calming

You fall asleep on his couch while he’s gathering some materials in another room

He’s slightly startled when he doesn’t hear your voice anymore (he quickly sets his papers down and crouches next to you)

Your cute snores make him laugh (he records it for future reference)

When you wake up, you’re back in your bed

“Lucien?”

He peers inside the door, pushes up his GLASSES, (yes I am a Glasses Lucien freak) and smiles at you

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t plan on dozing off like that”

“No worries, I was able to keep myself entertained”

“Oh? What were you looking at?” (you step out to the living room, finding a stack of albums on the table)

???

“You were adorable in this zebra onesie” (LUCIEN PLEASE)

Gavin

He’s dealt with plenty of rogue evolvers during his missions

Most of them had seizures while their evols were going out of control

How different could it be? (Birdcop has never been more wrong in his life)

He’s so taken back when you explain epilepsy to him

The way you describe it makes it sound so terrifying?

He listens inventively to the first aid procedures

He follows through pretty smoothly, actually (damn right, he’s Agent B-7)

You notice that he’s a LOT more attentive towards you

He was always like that before, but it’s to a greater extent now

If you’re quiet for a minute, he starts to panic

“It’s okay, Gavin! I’m okay” (you have to stop him from busting down the bathroom door)

He doesn’t like it when he has to leave you to go on missions (especially ones where he doesn’t know when he’ll get back)

He assigns Minor and/or Eli as your bodyguard (for all locations EXCEPT your apartment)

Anna is responsible for watching over you when you’re home

He calls/texts you so often (it’s like he never left)

His mind is elsewhere during work (but he never fails the missions, because he’s AGENT BIRDCOP-7)

Something you don’t know is that Eli and Minor are required to send photos of you once in a while (something about him being unable to trust their words)

WORST. PEOPLE. TO. ASSIGN. THIS. TO.

Eli takes photos with himself in it (and the focus is not even on you)

Minor always takes them while you’re moving (he only manages to capture your afterimage)

Anna to the rescue, honestly (that’s an entire photoshoot)

The first thing he does after returning is checking to make sure you’re okay (he hugs you after his checkup is done)

“........Gavin, what are these gashes on your arm?”

“....so......what do you want for dinner tonight?”

F

I don’t know why, but I always make Lucien’s headcanons somewhat nsfw

I can’t help it, he just does that to me

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

6. Passion Project

“What the hell am I reading?” The woman squealed in his ear, “And why is it ALWAYS something bizarre with you?”

“Did my favorite perennial flower get my emails?”

“Simon… you do know that I have both college AND a job to do, right? That not all of us achieve our dreams the first try?”

“I pay you good money for the work that I ask you to do!” Simon complained. “Unlike your day job that both pays you less than your male counterparts and less than you deserve in general.”

“Yeah, well… I live in the real world. Not like there’s some magical train to take me away from society and all it's problems. But, seriously… researching is one thing, but this feels oddly like stalking. First of all… I had to do some very illegal things to get this information - which, yes, I went ahead and did it, because by the time I got to that point I was feeling a little bit insulted by the thought of failing. Secondly… who IS this woman, Simon? How do you even know about her and what are you going to do with this information?”

“I met her in my everyday life and was interested in her, but found a simple background check difficult. I was people watching for a new story, but it’s become more like a passion project, now. But, I feel like you’ve got a lot to tell me about her!” He was teeming with excitement.

“I… found out things, things that I never would have wanted to ever know about anybody and am now honestly considering charging you for the therapy it’s gonna take me to get over this information… Where in your everyday life did you meet this person?”

“Why… what’s… what’s wrong with her?” Simon asked.

“A LOT. But… I don’t know… I guess she’s doing better, if you’re just seeing her out and about, but… I just…” Tulip yelped.

“Tools???” Simon called out.

Deep breathing. Then, she was back. “Sorry. Mikayla’s out, so I’m by myself and EVERYTHING is startling me. I’m gonna send you everything I found and my charges for this information. And Simon… please don’t ever send me anything like this again, and I mean it.”

“I only wanted to find out if she changed her name and why. How difficult could the information have been?”

“Most people don’t just change their names out of boredom, Simon. Also… it isn’t right to look into somebody this way. I’m only giving it to you because I don’t deserve to be the only person who has had to look at this.”

“That bad?” He heard sniffling. “Tools…”

“No, Simon! This is messed up! Don’t ask me for another favor again if you don’t know ANYTHING about the situation!”

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again, I promise.” 

She let out a deep breath. “Is your mom going to the retreat or whatever this year?”

“Yeah. She’s super excited about it. She says that she hasn’t seen yours in too long. Is she going?”

“Yeah, she was able to scrape up this year to reserve her spot.”

“Mom’s already pulling out all of her Single Mom Squad shit.”

Tulip groaned. “I’m really glad that they had a support group and stuff, but honestly. Why did it become their entire personality for so long?”

“Because it was their little escape from having smartasses like us at home.” Tulip laughed and Simon reiterated, “Really sorry about whatever you read about Grace.”

“I… Is this somebody that you think that you could care about, Simon?”

“Yeah?”

“Okay. Just… be careful. I don’t see how they’re even still standing, much less how they’re in a position to care for someone else. I don’t know if I’m more afraid that you might get hurt if you get attached or that she might, but… it just looks like it’d be super hard to build with this person. They’ve got… a lot of... history.”

“She’s tried to warn me of that and I ignored her and will most likely ignore you.”

“Well, I did my part, anyway.”

.

Her name was not Grace St. Catherine… Well, it was, because she had it legally changed four years ago. But it had been Grace Monroe when she was born… up until when she was 10.

She was kidnapped when she was 10. Apparently there was a ransom requested, and whenever it was set to happen, the kidnappers took the money and did not return the child. Nobody who knew her before saw her again for 8 years.

When she was 18, she was arrested for assault and when giving her name to arresting officers, said 148, but eventually Grace Monroe. From there, she was discovered to have been missing for 8 years and her parents were contacted.

The Monroes conducted every possible test available to check the well being of their now 18 year old daughter. She was treated for several illnesses, including STDs and a number of mental issues...

She was committed at age 18, and declared a ward of her parents, instead of convicted, and spent the next three years recovering. At age 21, she was allowed to be classified as an adult. She changed her name, and lived with her parents until 2 years ago...

When she began working at the bookstore...

Tulip had even been able to find court documents, police records, and psychiatric files. So… yeah. He owed her big time, even beyond payment for having read even a portion of this stuff. Some of it was simply things Grace had reported to her doctors. Some were things that she had not spoken of, but there was physical evidence enough to grant some ideas. 

Years of damage to her uterus… Bruises and scars on her back, knees, thighs, wrists… A symbol carved into the back of her neck… He clicked on the images given from medical reports and saw the same A that had been spray painted on targets’ doors. He now knew who these people were, and why they deserved whatever Grace and her friends were doing to them. He looked at the photos of the girl before her disappearance vs the teenager in the mugshot. That didn’t even look like HIS Grace. She was the same person. He saw familiar features - her perfect round nose and beautiful full lips, the shape of her face a little more shapely there - probably wasn’t eating as well… but… that was a stranger. Only her eyes looked the same. Passionate but filled with pain. Beautiful and wide enough to get lost in, but dark, cold, and freakishly mysterious. 

He quickly called her and she picked up, “Did I not just see you a few hours ago?” she teased.

“I was just thinking about you… hoping that you’re okay tonight. Are you okay?”

She laughed, “Are you?”

“I just… want you to know… whatever happens, I’ll always be here for you.”

She was quiet for a long time. He wondered what she was doing on the other end of the line. She was looking at a selection of masks and knee pads, but her mind was no longer on the outfit for her Date Night, but the man on the other side of this phone conversation.

“Thanks, Simon… Um… Are… you sick? Is something happening to you? This just really feels out of nowhere and quite frankly, I’m a little worried.”

“There’s nothing to worry about! I’m fine. I just… really care about you, and had to tell you that.” 

Grace could’ve sworn that she saw a chorus of red flags being twirled around before her. Dancers, circling her and performing tricks with them. She was never one for rose colored glasses. She learned a long time ago that those weren’t for her… so these were red flags. She also knew that she often saw red flags where there were white ones. Because she didn’t believe in surrender, only blood for blood. She was angry in general, and usually seeing red. Simon’s red flags were probably no more red than any other poor guy that tried to simply make her smile over the past few years. But then he said,  “Grace, I lo…”

“Simon, I really can’t do this right now. I’ve got something I’m in the middle of. So, like… Just… I’ll talk to you another time.” She hung up and snatched a mask that looked like it was crying blood and a pair of purple knee pads. “Not L words, Simon. For fuck’s sake…”

.

Simon had learned so much, then she was just gone. She wasn’t at the bookstore in days and whenever he finally asked her coworker, they said that she had a no call, no show and they hadn’t heard from her since. She didn’t respond to any of his texts. She seemingly deactivated social media (or worse, blocked him), and she wasn’t even staying at home, because he drove by several times for two days, then literally camped outside for another two. If she was inside, she hadn’t answered, and he hoped that she wasn’t just ignoring him pining through the door. He hoped that she just wasn’t there to hear him beg her to please at least tell him what he did wrong.

He went into the flower shop and the guy that he had become super familiar with as “152” online, even though his nametag said “Heath,” asked him what he could help him with. Simon ordered a bouquet and wrote out a card for Grace, apologizing for whatever he did wrong and asking her to come back, He sighed and asked Heath, “Could you make sure that Grace gets this, please?”

“Grace?” the guy repeated, eyeing Simon suspiciously. “I don’t know any Grace, Mister.”

“148, maybe?” 

Now, the guy looked downright ready to fight. “I don’t know what you mean, but you’re making me uncomfortable, so I’m going to have to ask you to leave, now.” He even tried to refund him for the flowers.

“No, no… Please, just… tell her that I’ll be waiting, if she ever feels better…” He left and Heath followed him out of the door, watched him get into his car and drive off before he went back in to call Grace, panicked about that visit.

“Who the hell is this person and how does he know where I work?” Heath asked. 

“Let me guess, a little taller than me, skinny, blond with gray eyes and something on his head trying desperately to be a ponytail? That was Simon. I must’ve mentioned the flower shop, or something.” She knew that she never had, but to tell her friend that this person had potentially stalked her and learned about him in the process just seemed like it would cause more harm than taking the blame.

“You must’ve mentioned it? Grace. Either you mentioned it, or you didn’t, and YOU would know. It isn’t like you to be careless about our personal information!”

“I know, I know, but maybe I said that it was my favorite flower shop or something. Heath. You know that if you want, I can get you a job at basically anywhere else that I own.”

“I like flowers!”

“Then, I’ll buy another flower shop you can work at, if he made you feel threatened.” 

“Are you safe? He seems a little attached. He bought a really expensive bouquet and left a card. It’s sealed but I can read it to you.”

“No, I’ll stop by. I’ve got some job hunting to do, but…”

“Why don’t you just work somewhere that you’re familiar with, or somewhere that you own?”

“I don’t know. Because, I’m suddenly hyper aware of how messed up I am again, and I wanna feel like a normal person.”

“Well, I hate to break it to you, but normal people don’t get to just start over when life seems to be too much. We’ve gotta just continue to live it out, and change only ourselves, and maybe eventually our circumstances. Normal people would have called out of work (if they could even afford to) and came back, whether or not they were better and pushed through being miserable.”

“Are you suggesting that I return to the bookstore and ask for my job back?”

“Yeah. If it’s normal that you’re shooting for. But… I’ve got the feeling that you’re avoiding this creep.”

“I think things are moving way too fast. That’s terrifying.”

“Good news… that’s terrifying for normal people, too. Not everything that we do and feel is because of what the Apex did to us. If your manager likes you and values you, you can probably coax them into forgiving you for vanishing, with a good sob story.”

“Gonna go with dead homie,” she said. “Meds, etc. The whole works. If that doesn’t work, guess I’ll buy the bookstore. I really don’t feel like looking for another job, anyway… And I guess I can’t avoid him forever.”

.

She was back at work the next week. She noticed Simon sitting in the coffee shop whenever she came in. She skipped going for her old routine, to clock back in and get to work. She had to take down the Read Across America stuff and make sure to have all the Easter and Earth Day stuff situated… When was Easter this year? She checked her calendar as she grabbed her legal pad to start planning displays whenever she almost ran into Simon. He’d come over when he saw her return to the floor. She was startled. Then annoyed. “Simon. Please…”

“What did I do?”

“You’re… getting a little bit too… familiar. You didn’t do anything, I just don’t know how to handle having somebody else in my space this much. I just… need some space.”

He frowned and nodded his head, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Okay. You’re the boss.” She wanted to say something… explain why she was like this… why she could only trust her friends, who were more like her immediate family than her parents… even that she desperately wanted Simon to be in her space and to wait for her to be comfortable with having him there…

But, she couldn’t find any of those words. Even if she had, what if she were wrong? What if Simon catching feelings would be the worst thing to ever happen to her, or to HIM, for that matter. She watched him go, and hoped that after she had some time to chill out a little bit, she might be able to contact him again, and get another chance. So, she watched him leave the bookstore and get into his car. He peeled off, and she didn’t know if that meant he was angry or if there was a fluke with the car. She just hoped that he didn’t just show up at her friend’s job or anything else like that. Or something worse. The last thing he wanted while sad was to get on her friends’ bad side. The last thing she wanted was for him to learn that the hard way.

Simon overthrew every piece of furniture in his home. Samantha rushed into her room and hid, terrified of the noise. He cried, shook, paced…. How could he show her that he was on her side? Why did she want space?? Was she afraid of him??? DID SHE HATE HIM???? He flopped onto the floor, holding his head and shivering with tears, trying to catch his breath. 

He needed some place else to handle dealing with her, he realized as he glanced around his demolished home. A storage unit, maybe… He collected all of his stuff pertaining to her and put it all together. He stuffed it into one of his bags and put it into his trunk. He could clean up his house whenever he stored things away safely. He needed a big storage unit. He had a feeling that he was going to be collecting more while giving her some “space.”

This was how he might cope. He turned on the light in the new storage space and set down a few boxes. He hadn’t been back into the bookstore. There was no need. He wasn’t writing right now, anyway. He had more important things to do. He’d printed out  everything Tulip had researched for him and made plans to visit places he highlighted from all of the files. He got some photos professionally printed up - some poster size, some not as big, and some he simply just had various photo sizes. He just thought they would make nice decor for his new space. Grace had deactivated, but he still had just about every photo of her saved to his phone or computer, and they had taken a few as well…

He also… was starting to take them of her whenever he watched her… He just really missed her. It was only a couple of months in her presence, but that was longer than he had been interested in another person in a while, and he had never been this interested in anyone before. Any time he ever thought that he might be going too far, he reminded himself that she had both done and been through much worse than anything that he was up to at the moment, and that became his truth up until the very last time that he ever had to tell himself anything. 

That was May. By May… he didn’t think. It was simply part of his lifestyle. Following, watching, studying, photographing, sometimes recording. But, she still hadn’t reached out to him, and he wasn’t sure if she wanted him to reach out to her. He tried to test it, by leaving her a bouquet of those red poppies that he’d seen her and her friends put on their friend’s grave. He watched, recording her reaction whenever she got home and saw them on her doorstop. She looked around, startled, kneeled to check the card. “Missing you. - S” She looked… relieved. He wasn’t sure who she thought they were from, but she grabbed them, went inside, and moments later, came out with an overnight bag and her turtle. She didn’t come home for days.

Next, he texted and said, “Hey. Sent you flowers. My mom asked about you. Hope you’re okay.” He watched her check the text before she went into the train station, but she didn’t reply. So… she still wasn’t ready, but he was letting her know that he was still waiting. By that time, nothing felt unreasonable to him. He was simply waiting for her to realize that she’d had enough space. He was curious about where she went to when she’d leave for days. The next time he scared her into not staying home alone, he’d follow. It was all that he could do at the moment.

07. Things Went Wrong

[let-me-write-shit]

Like We Used To: 15

A/N: I posted chapter fourteen at 2 AM, so make sure you read that one first! 

Please let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see in the next (or any) upcoming chapters! I might be able to try and find a way to include it. :) Enjoy!

[CLICK HERE FOR PREVIOUS CHAPTERS]

-------------------------------------------

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

The sun wasn’t even up yet by the time Harry and Elizabeth had woken up. Mitch and Sarah wound up staying until a bit past midnight, so the two of them only got maybe five hours of sleep that night before having to get ready and meet everyone else at the news station. Harry reassured her that she would blend right in because of the amount of people that came with him, which did settle her a bit, but as soon as they got to the venue Harry’s publicist had pulled him to the side. 

Apparently the man they saw taking pictures of Harry’s car after dinner last night had also managed to grab a picture of when Harry grabbed her hand, leading her to the car. It started spreading around news outlets overnight and his fans started to notice that she was the same girl in the background of the pictures of Harry going to the club on Sunday. Now there was speculation of a ‘new girlfriend’. Although this first arrangement was just a performance on the news to promote a show next month, they would be heading directly to a broadcasted radio station afterwards for an interview. He was warned that they might ask about it. She suddenly felt a bit foolish for wearing a white lace bra poking through her semi sheer white half buttoned shirt tucking into her ripped high-waisted mom jeans.

“I’m so sorry,” Elizabeth whispered when he came back, “We shouldn’t have gone out to dinner last night.”

“It’s fine, I just don’t want this to scare you off. I can handle it.”

Harry joined the rest of his bandmates to rehearse while Elizabeth joined Lisa and Jeffrey off to the side. They had comforted her in reminding her that it wasn’t the first time he was pictured with a girl that caused dating rumors, but then the thought of him having been with international models sunk in and she started to feel silly that she was even remotely involved with Harry in the first place. 

She watched at the side of the stage, out of view from his fans, as Harry and his backing band performed ‘Cherry’. She hadn’t seen him perform since they were kids. Of course she saw some of his performances online in passing, but she tried her best to avoid it as much as she could. Elizabeth found herself feeling extremely proud of how far he’s come and in awe of how great they all sounded together. 

As soon as he finished singing and the cheers from the fans had died down, a news anchor made her way over towards him to congratulate him on the success of his album. She reiterated his Halloween performance next month before wishing him good luck and cutting the camera. He had managed to give final thanks and goodbyes and within an hour they were ready to go. 

Since there were no performances at the next interview, his bandmates were able to head off and enjoy the rest of the day off until tomorrow. Elizabeth had traded phone numbers with Mitch and Sarah in case she wanted to meet up with them later and joined Harry, Jeffrey, Kenneth, and Lisa to the radio station. Harry had gone through the office introducing himself and his manager before vaguely introducing the rest of them. They didn’t really pay her, Lisa, or Kenneth any mind, which actually made her feel a bit better. Maybe they didn’t really know who she was.

Even though the interview was for a radio station, it was still being video broadcasted live to their website, so Harry was prepped in the studio while the rest of them sat off to the side out of frame of the camera’s. Elizabeth sunk in the back between Kenneth and Lisa so she wouldn’t get noticed and looked between Harry in the studio, and a television above them that displayed what their website video would look like.

Harry was given some headphones to wear and when commercial break was over they introduced Harry. The first few minutes went pretty smoothly. There was a good amount of banter in between questions like if he had been working on any new album or songs, which he admitted that he was in the works on making new songs. Most of the questions were pertaining to his current album and the concert coming up before it started getting a bit personal.

“Now it’s been discussed that this album is, essentially, a break up album, correct?” The broadcaster said, “I mean, I know that there are a few songs that are influenced by the start of a relationship and the fun that comes along with that, but for instance, Cherry. You include a voicemail from your ex at the end. How was that song to write? Was it a bit emotional to get it out, or was it just a relief to get it off your chest?”

Elizabeth’s stomach twisted a bit hearing Harry talk about past relationships, especially songs written about them. Obviously it was his job, but it almost felt like she was intruding on a part of his life that she wasn’t supposed to know about for some reason. She supposed this was better than actually having to interact with one of his exes like he had to do last weekend. 

The interview continued to get more personal and her heart started racing, knowing where this was about to go as the radio host said, “So we have to ask, are you currently seeing anyone?”

Harry did his lopsided grin and Elizabeth could tell that he was starting to get a bit embarrassed as he said, “Euhh...I’m just having fun at the moment, really.”

“So no girlfriends?”

“No girlfriends, no,” Harry shook his head.

“Because I have to bring it up, the listeners will kill me if I don’t,” he laughed, “I can already see the hundreds of angry emails coming in. You were spotted last night holding hands with a beautiful woman, leaving a Chinese restaurant in LA...” the picture of the two of them last night popped up.

Harry nodded, only vaguely saying, “Yeah, that is me. Yep.” and laughing a bit

The host chuckled and said, “Right, now your fans also noticed the resemblance between this woman, and the woman you were seen at a club outside of London last week,” the picture of him walking into a club with her and their friends in the background had popped up. Elizabeth was circled. 

“I am always impressed with the amount of investigative work by some of the fans,” Harry responded.

“I know, it’s crazy! I mean there was also talk of, you know, some kind of scuffle you might have been involved in at the club. Is there any truth to that? Or what’s going on?”

Harry shook his head, glancing at her and Jeffrey before turning back to the host, “No, do you know what it is? So the woman in the picture is just an old friend of mine from school. I was back home and attended some friends wedding, who happens to also have gone to the club with us, and yaknow, everyone got a few too many drinks in them at the club and things got a bit rowdy, but no, I didn’t fight anyone.”

“So this woman is just an old school friend of yours? Not your girlfriend?”

“Right. I’ve known her since I was fourteen. I knew most of these people since I was fourteen,” he pointed to the picture, “It was nice to get back home and spend some time with old friends, to really get back to my old life for a while. It was great fun. That weekend actually inspired a few songs for the next album that we’re working on, which is really cool, so I’m excited for that.”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened in shock. Harry never told her that he was writing songs about that weekend, which was odd because they’ve been pretty much inseparable since. How could he have hidden that from her? She started to wonder if maybe that was what he was doing while she was working, whenever she interrupted him in the middle of playing his guitar. And maybe that’s what him and Mitch went to work on last night. She suddenly started to get nervous that he might have mentioned their sexual intimacy in those songs, unsure how to feel about it.

This round of questions gave Elizabeth mixed feelings. She was impressed with how Harry was able to get around the questions and so easily shoot down the idea of the two of them being any more than friends, but she also felt a bit saddened about how plausible it all sounded. She could easily be just Harry’s old friend, and the thought of that was slightly upsetting. 

“So, since you are single,” the host carried on, “Are you looking to be in a relationship? Or are you just enjoying being single at the moment?”

“I’m not necessarily looking for a relationship at the moment, but if something happens, then it happens, you know what I mean?” He laughed.

“So what would you say your ideal relationship looks like?”

“I would say my ideal relationship looks like…..” he thought for a minute, looking around the room and catching eyes with Elizabeth before saying, “it’s sharing a sleeve of oreos together so I don’t have to eat the entire sleeve on my own.”

Elizabeth’s heart danced in her chest as the host laughed. A smile started to form on her face, suddenly feeling more at ease with where her and Harry’s ‘relationship’ stood. She might not have technically been his ‘girlfriend’ yet, but she was feeling more confident in the idea.

When they wrapped up the interview Harry had joined the three of them along with two of the people from the studio, thanking him for his time and congratulating him. The main interviewer turned towards Elizabeth and smiled.

“I hope I didn’t embarrass you with some of those questions,” he said, kindly, offering a handshake, “What’s your name?”

Elizabeth stuttered, realizing that he had recognized her from the pictures, and shaking his hand “Oh, no. It’s okay, I understand. I’m Elizabeth.”

He nodded, and smiled inquisitively “So you two really aren’t dating?”

She felt her cheeks blush and looked over at Harry who was in conversation with someone else, “No, sir. Just old friends.”

He nodded, looking at her for a minute before saying, “Alright. Well, it was nice to meet you, Elizabeth.”

As soon as they were back in the SUV together and headed to the next interview, Harry turned to Elizabeth with a slight smirk.

“You okay so far?” He asked.

Elizabeth laughed, “I was not expecting it to be like that. First of all, you’ve been writing songs about all of us?”

Harry grinned, “I’ve been dabbling around with some ideas.”

“You never told me! Can I hear them?”

He hesitated, “.....not yet. I’m not done with them. Maybe once we’re all able to go in the studio and start working on it more. We’ll see.”

“None of them are about me, though, right?” she asked. Harry was silent, looking at her like a deer in headlights. Elizabeth gasped, lightly slapping his arm with a giggle, “Harry!”

He put his hands up defensively, laughing, “I can’t help it! I’m an artist! It’s what we do! It’s just song ideas, anyway. Nothing is written yet.”

Elizabeth shook her head with a grin, “Anyway. I’ve just texted Sarah. I think I’m going to take an uber from the next location to meet up with them. I don’t know if I can sit through another interview of them asking you about ‘the mystery girl in the photo’. It’s too embarrassing.”

Harry nodded understandingly. When they had reached the next destination, Jeffrey, Lisa, and Kenneth had stepped out. Harry was supposed to be the next one out, but he quickly turned to give her a kiss and whispered, “I’ve been wanting to do that all morning without anyone seeing.”

She smiled sweetly at him before pushing him out of the car so as not to look too suspicious. She had said her goodbyes to them in the lobby of the building, waiting for an uber to come and pick her up. So many emotions were running through her, but for some reason she didn’t care as much about the repercussions of being photographed with Harry anymore. But was that a good thing?

KEEP READING

[randomoranges]

Home is Where the Heart Is

hey hi hello do you like soft canon with hurt?

  the saga continues of étienne’s adventures in edmonton. had this idea since this summer. lol.

end october/beginning november 2020

Edward scans the crowd and tries to keep his nerves under control. He makes sure he isn’t too close to others, while still maintaining contact with the arrivals doors. Étienne should be arriving any moment now. In fact, his plane has landed, therefore, with every new batch of people who walk through the doors; Étienne could be one of them.

 He checks his phone for what is surely the fiftieth time in the past three minutes, but he finds no new messages other than the one from his boyfriend letting him know that “the bird has landed.” Edward fixes his mask and follows a person who walks out, thinking it might be Étienne, but it’s not.

 The reason he’s here started towards the beginning of the month of September. He’d been enjoying his video call with Étienne, something they did once every two days or so after he’d gone back home, when Étienne had grown quiet.

 “Were you serious?” He’d asked and Edward had wondered what exactly Étienne was alluding to, “When you said I could come over whenever – were you serious?” He’d reiterated.

 “Of course. Whenever you want. Hell, you could even be on the way to the airport at the moment. You could even already be in Edmonton.” He’d wondered if Étienne was concocting some trip and had dared to hope that he’d be seeing his boyfriend sooner rather than later.

 He’d meant it. Étienne could surprise him on his doorstep with little to no warning and he’d be happy to have him over.

 Summer had been – kind to Étienne, but not in its usual ways. It was a good thing it had been a hot summer, at least Étienne had been able to enjoy the outdoors, but – Edward had seen the toll of the pandemic on his boyfriend’s face. Had seen the dark circles that had made a comeback and had listened to the change in Étienne’s song from determined and hopeful to pessimistic and downtrodden.

 And of course, now things seemed to be getting worse again.

 Étienne was at wits ends.

 Étienne is at wits ends.

 “I don’t know what to do anymore, Ed,” He’d said. “Every time I go out – there’s a new place that’s closed down. How are the others going to make it? What’s going to be left of the city once this is all over? What’s going to be left of me? It’s like no one cares! Everything we did for naught! And then there’s those who say it’s a joke or a hoax. Yet I can’t even have my fucking sister over anymore – again. I can’t. I go grocery shopping and I fucking panic thinking maybe I’m going to infect someone, because what if it’s on me and I just don’t know because I can’t even fucking die properly.”

 He looked manic. Wild and scared and desperate.

 Edward had been – worried.

 Edward always worried. He always worries. He still worries. He worried by nature, but – he worried for Étienne in a different way.

 He knows of Étienne’s troubles – knows how his mood dips and changes and peeks and crests and falls straight through and he knows how personally he takes every single problem that afflicts the city, as though he’s responsible for the decision of millions.

 Edward had feared this – had feared that Étienne would spiral back out to how he’d been in April, but now he thinks he’d prefer the manic busy version of Étienne to this more lethargic and angry one.

 Edward had tried to be reassuring. Said that he’d be fine – he’d managed. It would be tough, yes, but – Étienne was like a phoenix, somehow found ways to rise again from the ashes. He’d reinvent himself if he needed to, but – Étienne hadn’t been so sure, still felt as though he hadn’t fully recovered from the original reinvention.

 Edward had fallen quiet to that.

 “D’you think I can come over again? For a bit. Maybe through to the New Year – I don’t know. I just – the weather’s gonna change for the worst again and – I don’t – I know how I am – in the winter – on a good year. I don’t think – I don’t trust myself going through winter alone during a pandemic.” He’d looked away from the screen after that admission. Had chewed on his bottom lip and had fisted his hands into Mercury’s fur.

 Edward’s heart had broken hearing those words. He’d wished he could find a way to enter Étienne’s head and right it once and for all. Fix whatever it was that made him feel this way day in and day out. No one deserved this, least of all Étienne.

 He consoled himself with the fact that Étienne was reaching out – that he was asking for help – that he wasn’t shutting himself further into his dark mood and dealing with it “on his own.” He’d seen how that ended up far too many times to want to live through it again.

 “Of course – like I said, you can come here whenever you want. I want you here.” Edward felt it was best to repeat these words as often as he could, in the hopes that Étienne would stop second-guessing himself over them.

 “I have work though. I have online classes, grading, and assignments to look over.” He’d said as though he was giving Edward reasons to tell him not to come and stay home in his infected hell hole.

 “That’s okay. I have work as well. We’ll make a schedule and work around it. I’ll clear out a desk for you that you can use. You can have the guestroom as your own study.”

 It was the logical thing to say. Whatever it was Étienne needed. It wasn’t complicated.

 “Are you sure?” Étienne had finally asked.

 “Of course, sweetheart. I’m always sure when it comes to you.”

 It was a little sappy, but – it was all very true.

 Étienne nodded at that, as if he couldn’t find the words to go with the action.

 “You realise though that it’ll be cold. It gets cold here earlier than it does at yours. And I mean negative weather and snow before Halloween.”

 Étienne had grimaced at that and Edward had laughed. The last thing he wanted was for Étienne to arrive in a windbreaker and then have an even worst time with the weather.

 “I don’t care. Summer’s over. It’s already getting cold. I just – I need to – I need to be around people – someone. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.”

 Edward had read the panic in those green-brown eyes, had read the fear and the loneliness that threatened to swallow him whole and – Edward had needed a moment to still his own nerves. He hadn’t seen that look on Étienne’s face in far too long and it was one he’d hoped he’d never see again.

 “That’s fine. When will you be arriving?”

 “I don’t know – I’m still figuring out when I’ll leave. There’s still a few things I need to do here.”

 “Keep me posted?” Part of him feared Étienne would do something stupid between now and then, but he consoled and reminded himself that despite everything, Étienne was in a better place now and was being treated for this. This wasn’t like before.

 “Yeah. I’ll talk to you soon.”

 That had been that and now here he is, summer officially done and over, waiting for Étienne to arrive. They’d spoken late last night and Edward hadn’t liked the way his boyfriend had sounded. Out of it, was one way of describing it, but – it almost felt as though – as if Étienne was giving up. As if he’d lost his last shred of hope.

 He can’t let that happen.

 Étienne is too important for that.

 Therefore, Edward takes a deep breath, counts to ten and then twenty and finally fifty and focuses on the task at hand.  With Calvin now back in Calgary as well, he figures this will give him a proper chance to do some real damage control on Étienne.

 Despite everything, he still smiles and feels extremely excited when he finally spots both Étienne and Mercury making their way towards him. He sees Étienne pause and give a careful look around, but even with the masks, he can still tell that Étienne smiles when he sees him as well.

 Étienne picks up his pace and walks over to him and Edward meets him half way, opening his arms up so that Étienne can step into them.

 “Hi you,” He says and holds Étienne close to him. Étienne looks a little worse for wear, but if anything, his visit in April had prepared Edward for this and so the shock isn’t as big, even if the pang in his heart is just the same. He feels Mercury excitedly jump up on his leg and he marvels at how big she’s gotten since she’d last been here. He’ll greet her properly in a bit, but for now he holds onto Étienne and presses a masked kiss to the side of his face.

 “Eddy,” Étienne breathes into the crook of his neck and it feels as though Étienne’s just discharged some of the weight he’d been carrying on his shoulders since he’d gone back home. As if now that he’s here, he can let go a bit and give the reigns over to Edward to help him look after himself.

 It takes Edward a moment to realise that Étienne is shaking in his arms and he holds him closer still and rubs his back. “It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” He holds him for a moment longer, holds him until Étienne stops shaking and gets a hold of himself, holds him until Étienne straightens himself out and steps out of the embrace.

 “Missed you,” Étienne says as he picks the handle of his suitcase. Edward takes the moment to greet Mercury and she seems quite happy to see him as well. She still has growing to do, but she’s no longer the tiny puppy that had made the first trip out west at the start of spring.

 “Missed you more. Ready to go home?”

 Étienne nods and Edward laces their hands together as they make their way towards the truck.

 It’s a mostly silent walk and Étienne makes one comment about the weather, which makes Edward laugh. Étienne already looks like he’s dressed for winter and by the looks of the two suitcases he brought along, his entire winter wardrobe seems to be here with him as well.

 Edward takes the long walk to the truck, if only to give Mercury a chance to stretch her legs. They take off their masks after realising that they’d both kept them on out of habit and once they’re at the truck, Edward pulls Étienne for a much sought after kiss.

 “Missed you,” Edward reiterates as he caresses the sides of Étienne’s face. His boyfriend offers him a kind, if tired smile and Edward still thinks he’s one of the most beautiful people he’s ever met.

 “Missed you more,” Étienne parrots back, before he hugs him again. “Thanks again for – everything.”

 Edward gives his hand a squeeze and then opens the door for him.

  There’s hand-sanitizer in the truck they both use and Edward tries to keep the conversation going as he drives back home, but Étienne ends up falling asleep once more halfway through. He lets him, knowing Étienne never seems to get around the right amount of sleep and he lets Élyse know he’ll take good care of Étienne once they’re home.

 Mercury trots off to re-explore his house and so Edward helps Étienne with his luggage, helps him to the door and helps undress him afterwards, unpeeling each layer as they make their way towards Edward’s bedroom and they reacquaint themselves with one another with kisses and touches that make Étienne feel just a little bit more alive. It’s heady and messy and needy, but the end result is the same and Edward holds Étienne close as he cards his fingers through his hair with one hand, and traces lazy patterns on his arm with the other.

 Étienne seems a little more peaceful as he snuggles close and presses the occasional kiss to Edward’s chest. It’s as if – he feels safe here, in Edward’s arms and Edward hopes and wishes that he can always provide this solace for him.

 “Your hair’s gotten long,” He remarks as he holds up a perfect curl. He twines it around his finger before releasing it and watches with wonder as it springs back to its original form. Étienne’s hair had already been getting long during his last visit, but now that he could see his hair in person, Edward could really tell. It keeps flirting with Étienne’s shoulder and Edward thinks it’s a good look on him.

 “Yeah... never got around to booking a haircut when they reopened and then I kinda – I kinda like it actually. Thought I’d let it grow some and see what it looks like....” He’s careful with his answer, Edward can tell from the way he looks at him and then away. Étienne tucks a strand behind his ear out of reflex and Edward smiles softly.

 “It looks good. It suits you.”

 It really does. In all the years Edward has known him, he’s never seen Étienne with super long hair. Étienne had even been – sensitive about it and after Edward had found out why, he understood. This is a nice change, despite the reason behind it, and Edward hopes it means that if anything, Étienne is slowly making peace with that.

 “Yeah, you think so?”

 Edward nods. “Yeah, I really like it.”

 Étienne grins, a little quiet thing as he resettles against him, “I haven’t had it super long in – over forty years. Forgot how good it looked,” He says, normal like anything and Edward silently thrills.

 “It looks very good. I’m all for you experimenting with it and letting it grow.”

 Étienne offers him a smile for his compliment and Edward stores it for the days where it’ll be hard to get a smile out of his boyfriend. He’d like to think there won’t be any, but with the way things are going and with winter coming up, he knows better.

 “Hey, I have a surprise for you,” He says instead before they can get too comfortable. Étienne gives him a curious look and protests when Edward jostles him so that he can get out of bed and put his boxers back on. “Come on, you’ll like this.”

 “Preferred the view I had moments before.” Étienne says as he slowly makes a grab for his own clothes and underwear. Edward rolls his eyes, fond, amused, and ever so endeared, and then walks his boyfriend to the guestroom.

 “Jeez, Édouard, if you were already done with me, you could’ve just said and I woulda made my own exile back to the guestroom.” Étienne teases as Edward pushes the door to the guestroom until it’s fully open.

 “Humour me, Curly,” Edward says and leads him further into the room. “I set everything up for you; desk, chair, light. I cleared it off so you can put your laptop on it. I moved the printer here, in case you have things to print – and, this,” He moves to the side and that’s when Étienne notices the very large and suddenly very noticeable wooden easel that had not been previously there this past spring, “Is a little something I thought you would appreciate.”

 Étienne blinks and blinks again. There’s an easel – a beautiful wooden thing that he’d never ever seen before just standing there as if waiting to be used. He walks up to it, as if in a trance and dares to touch it to make sure it’s real.

 “I know you like to make your own canvases and stretchers, so if you need any materials or whatever, I’ll drive you to the store.”

 Étienne turns back to Edward, walks back to him and lunges into his awaiting arms, as if his boyfriend had been expecting such a reaction.

 “You didn’t have to,” Étienne says as he fights back the tears that threaten to fall. It’s all too much. He doesn’t deserve all of this – doesn’t deserve Edward’s kindness and yet Edward still offers it to him as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

 “I wanted to.” Edward tells him and figures he can let him know he’d made it himself later, before Étienne has an apoplexy over it. “I want you to feel comfortable here. You’re not just a passing houseguest – you’re my boyfriend. This is the very least I can do for you.”

 Étienne pulls him in for a kiss before Edward can say anything else that might make his heart jump out of his ribcage. “I love you,” He blurts out when they pull away for air. It’s the least he can do and say and he knows Edward likes hearing it. (He does too, really, but right now if Edward tells him he might just cry over everything.) (He’s still getting used to this – to having someone show him love and kindness so openly.) (There are still days when he wonders if this isn’t all some massive fever drug induced dream.) (He’s honestly glad it isn’t.)

 “My dearest Étienne, I love you too, never doubt it,” Edward tells him, cups his face in his nice warm hands, and offers him the kindest of smiles. Looks at him as though he’s something precious and worthwhile and there’s something inside of Étienne – some old shriveled thing that lives where his heart once was that dares to beat again.

 And Edward holds Étienne close, holds him again and then gently leads him back towards his bedroom so that they can lie together. He lets Étienne slowly come apart in his arms, rubs his back and twines their legs together and makes the silent promise that he’ll watch over Étienne and do his best so that Étienne doesn’t fall off the deep end again. He hopes and dares that despite everything, that winter will be kind to the both of them, but Edward knows that if anything, at least, they’ll be together.

 FIN

[mrssarablack]

I’ve been quiet.

I realize this. I’ve become painfully aware of my lack of voice in regards to activism or hot takes on the news. For the duration of June I stuck to activists posts and news, which has never been a thing I’m super vocal about on this page. I just happened to move my content over at either the exact right time to facilitate the shift of content, or the exact wrong time to keep to my regular scheduled programming running. Either way, I’m not sorry. Nor do I expect I’ll be able to keep my mouth (or rather my keyboard) shut long when things feel overwhelmingly outrageous in the real world. 

My intent going into the month was to back off a little on the political posts and take back the “safe space” I have here for cultivated fun in what is usually a very chaotic day to day life. I would continue the activism but perhaps less so on here. That’s not to say I wouldn’t actively be doing other things. I’m not yielding my support by any means.  I had intended to take this month to mostly focus my support of the BLM community through prioritizing putting my money where my mouth was failing to find words. Shifting from broad political posts about the injustices to instead turning it towards better educating myself, actually getting through the large stack of books I intend to get through, prioritizing purchasing items from black owned businesses where it makes sense to, donating to the charities and organizations that I can. This is the quiet work that is also necessary for good allyship. But then I found myself wrestling with the growing feeling that quiet can lead to appearance that whatever I was presenting in June was instead a performative allyship.

That’s hardly the case at all.

At the end of June I made a joke about trying to mentally prepare myself for whatever July 2020 had in store for us. I was not prepared. 

I met the reality of July 2020 four days later, like so many of us, and I was not even close to prepared for what was coming and I froze in the wake of it. I was not prepared to watch snippets of the Orange Man’s speech at Rushmore. The speech, that without even dicing his words was a hate speech. It was a proclamation, of sorts, against the citizens who were, and are still are, actively protesting for the BLM movement throughout the country. It was a formal declaration of “us vs them” in a way he has not actually done before. The intent is always there, his supporters will forever deny it, but it is. His own history shows he has always been a racist. That this man cares more for tributes, than the people he is meant to govern. Meanwhile, Native protesters were yelled at, by Trump supporters, to “go back to where they came from.” In the wake of this speech and the juxtaposition of it being given on stolen lands while the people who see them as sacred were accosted... I found very little to be proud of on July 4th. 

By the time I processed that moment, we had sped straight into ICE declaring that they would not extend the rule allowing foreign students to continue their education here because of the mandate against online learning. This rule makes sense, if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic. But we are. 

Everything about this decision was cruel and xenophobic. It didn’t make sense economically, considering how much money Universities get in tuition from their foreign students. It didn’t make sense logistically, when so many students wouldn’t be able to get back home. Our immigration centers are already a fucking mess, but that’s a deep dive for another time. All it was, was an attempt to strong arm schools into accepting the administration's stance that Covid-19 is fully under control and that everything should go back to normal. It is the same reason they are threatening to cut funding for public educational institutions if they do not open completely in the fall. Yeah, kids at school is a far more ideal scenario than online classes, but not at the risk of their or their teachers' lives. The schools see that. The administration doesn’t. They don’t care. They simply want to force their narrative in whatever way they can. 

Upon a lawsuit, they walked back their proclamation of denying foreign students their education but, from what I have seen, there are still a lot of things up in the air. From accounts I’ve read on reddit the administration may choose to apply the former ruling to  first year students who may have invested in a future they now won’t get. They may deny foreigners the right to apply to after graduation work programs that formerly they were allowed to be in provided they had the right visas. If they did this they will claim it is to provide american’s the best chance at new work first. America first is ringing through this whole thing, and millions are left wondering how this is all going to actually pan out. 

Let me reiterate now the fact that we are still in the middle of a pandemic. This is a fact. A fact that the administration wants to deny till every last one of us has encountered this illness personally. The Orange Man is actively swatting Fauci away like he is nothing more than an annoying fly. He doesn’t like the “doom and gloom” truth of this virus so he denies it. He is actively pushing to block new money for further testing and tracing for the CDC because he doesn’t “like the numbers”. The CDC no longer has control of collecting patient data to help track covid-19. Something that has been used so that people in authoritative positions can make adequate decisions in regards to the virus. Less information will lead to more spread. Florida is now the new epicenter and the sunbelt, as a whole, looks bad. Things are not good and we’re still fighting with fellow citizens who don’t want to wear a mask. A simple act to help protect others is a political stance. I don’t understand it, and I’m not going to pretend or even try to. It’s not a hoax. The virus is real and it is deadly. Even those that recover from it have had lasting damage to their lungs among other side effects. 

But I digress, instead I will now get to the reason that brought me to this very long political monologue: in Portland, Federal agents fired tear gas on protesters after declaring it a riot. This is not the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last. Allegedly, these federal agents are part of the customs and border protection agency, and they also took protesters up into unmarked vans and detained them. Citizens who are executing their right to protest were kidnapped by federal agents. Think about that. This is why the declaration of ANTIFA being a terrorist group was a bad omen. They are not a membership based organization, they don’t have meetings, they just kind of are... and that fact alone can be exploited. Anyone can potentially be dubbed ANTIFA if a federal agent deems them acting radically in the eyes of this administration. 

This is the roots of fascism in America. It is masquerading as nationalism and to some degree that's legitimate but the effects of those beliefs are becoming a thin facade for the other.

It’s almost undeniable at this point. This is the reason I started with the beginning of this month because between the hate speech, the stances that support racism, the xenophobic decisions, the active statement that there is no problem with the virus, and now kidnapping citizens are all part of a fascist playbook. Speaking out against a dictatorship is a death sentence. But a dictatorship is anti-American. If you believe in the idyllic America we were taught exists. I am not sure that America has ever fully existed.... but maybe somewhere she does, but, oh, is she flawed… but that’s okay because admitting to those flaws can lead to growth. Owning all of our past will lead to growth. But denial, denial leads us down a path to losing ourselves. 

My boyfriend is right, I’m a fighter. I will get up and I will fight even if there are tears in my eyes. But that doesn’t mean I am not tired. I find myself so heartbroken over the events of the last two months that I fail to have words to express the effect of keeping my eyes open to the world actually has on me. One thing I have figured out is despite what the president says, I don’t hate my country. I am part of the left, yes, but I love it. I can say that because I wouldn’t be so upset about all that is going on if I didn’t. I realize there are fellow citizens who wholeheartedly disagree with me, and they would also claim they love the country, but to me their fear of change says more about them than they realize. They don’t want to accept ugly truths and grow. It’s an oversimplification but here we are.  Everything is so polarized. We are divided. I’ve said this before but I’m not sure something isn’t going to break spectacularly before November, during, or shortly after. Regardless, a new normal is being forged and I do not accept it. I will not accept it. I will fight it, and I hope whoever takes the time to read this ridiculously long post will too. 

[letsdiscoverkitty]

27.02.2020//There is nothing quite like a little “surprise review” with your consultant...

So last week I ended up having a “surprise review” with my consultant. Okay it wasn’t a COMPLETE surprise, I was told about it about 6 days in advance, but for the service I am with that is VERY rare and reviews are usually planned weeks, if not months, in advance due to how little the consultant works in the area. 

I am not going to lie, I got myself quite worked up beforehand as I definitely overthought about ‘why’ it had been called, which in the end was so unnecessary as it ended up being a complete waste of time (hence the late posting about it as it was that uneventful).

She was a little mellower than usual, which I think was thanks to her being shadowed by a student, but she was still quite, idk how to explain it other than being quite de-humanised? Anyway, all that came from it was that I am on “thin ice” and that if things deteriorate then they will have to send out more referrals as there are apparently no beds in the usual places and unlikely to be any anytime soon (I really don’t want to go down the route of another admission as I don’t see how it could help) and it was reiterated that if it does come to an admission it will only be to “thicken the ice slightly” i.e. get your weight up a little. She did ask how I was managing with my parents being away and I was honest about my mood/isolation/loneliness/just focusing on getting through the days/surviving, which was hard as I very rarely let down some of these walls and tend to put on a front/act without realising it. She didn’t really say much other than to then ask how I spend my days and said it sounded very sad/lonely and that they want me to ‘thrive’....*great*. She has not put in another review meeting yet as she wants to take “my case” to discussion at the next Sussex Hub meeting (whenever/whatever that is). She reiterated that I know what I need to do and that it is not an intellectual/“meal planning” issue that I have, which yes we have talked about numerous times, and agreed on. She suggested maybe looking back at my MANTRA workbook, which I will try to remember to do, and reiterated (yep there was a lot of repetition in this meeting) that she thinks that my home situation perpetuates my illness....as for where we go from here? *shrugs* there was no plan. No forward thinking...They are leaving things to me. I am going to be seen every 2 weeks by the HCA for monitoring - if things deteriorate then yeah it might be a top up admission, otherwise it has to come from me and I have to make sufficient changes and motivations to change and willingness to commit to recovery to be able to get any more support. So nothing new.

I feel paralysed. I WANT to want to get better. And I DO want to get better.  I DO. Yet....well here I am?  I keep wondering if there is something more wrong with me? if I am just being pathetic? if I am simply not meant to get better? if this is all there ever will be? They say that recovery is possible for everyone yet no matter how hard I have tried before, here I still am. It is disheartening. And makes me feel like I am an exception/that the rules don’t apply to me/that this is all there will be...which I just can’t even....sigh. These past few weeks have been exhausting and I feel like my head is a million miles off the ground. I so desperately need some grounding as I feel like I have just being goinggoinggoing, trying to hold things together just that bit longer, but where is this leading? where does this get me? ultimately nowhere. I feel like I am a million miles away. Disconnected from reality/myself/everything. only able to focus on the next 5 minutes and getting through. The more I keep giving into anorexia, the stronger it gets. I am not full on relapsing but neither am I in recovery or trying to recover. I feel paralysed. Stuck. AGAIN. I am a stuck record through and through. repeating myself years down the line. I feel so incredibly alone/unsupported. I know that is very ungrateful of me to say and that I have had a lot of input over the years from services but I feel so at a loss as to where to turn anymore. what to do. what will help. what I need. sigh.  I know that it has to come from me at the end of the day, that no one is going to magically come and save me, that there is no magic/perfect plan or way or admission or therapist or professional or dietitian or programme that will make things magically better. I KNOW IT. but I suppose there is always that part of me “searching” for that alternative that does not elicit so much fear or anxiety, one that skips the messy and horrible part, but the reality is that there is no such thing is there? You cannot jump ahead and skip that part of “recovery” and suddenly be better/fixed - it is impossible. It simply does not work like that. Recovery is not meant to be neat and tidy and easy and fun and nice and happy; I mean yes it brings back life etc but if it were simple and easy then, well, none of us would be in these places would we?

The truth is that I am tired. no, I am beyond tired. Exhausted. Sick to death of sickness. Of illness. Of mental health. Of barely surviving. Of loneliness. Of everything really. I am so tired that even just thinking about change knocks me for seven. How can just thinking about change be so exhausting? 

I honestly hate everything that my ‘life’ has become; the hurt and pain that I have caused to others; the time that I have lost and wasted and ruined; the things I have missed; the “person” that I have become....I hate it.I hate it.I hate it. YET here I still am. Feeling more lost and disconnected from reality than ever before.

I am sorry. This has turned into a bit of a self-pity party, I am not really sure where that came from but I needed to get it out. I think I might try to have a look back at a few things and try to remember what has helped in the past/maybe look into my archive online from when I have gone through the messy difficult initial stages of “recovery”....sigh. I hate this. I really do. I just don’t know what to do anymore.