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esterzach · 1 year

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This will contain spoilers.

I was going to say if you haven't seen The Good Wife, it's great and it's worth it, but does that work on people? Because based on my experience, it means next to nothing to me when it comes to movies and TV shows(or books). Investing many hours in something just because someone likes it might not be an ideal way to promote a story.

Or maybe I just constantly sabotage myself by instinctively doing the opposite of what people tell me...

So I would just say that this show in my opinion has the writing any respectable TV product should aim for, the cast is almost flawless, with some of the most interesting characters, but it's not for everybody. I feel like many people won't be able to understand or will hate certain aspects of it.

The last call. My comfort episode. I have no idea why I am coming back to this over and over again. It's like torture. But time and time again, I am looking for it and I am more than willing to go to that place... I don't even know.

A reminder maybe.

Years ago when I watched it for the first time I was sad because of the story... and Alicia, I guess. Now... I'm stunned. I don't really remember any particular moments or episodes from another show that depict grief over a character. Aside from The X-files probably. But this one hits hard. This and the next one. Whoever wrote this... at least to me it hits home. To me this is brilliant.

Some time ago I started to watch The Good Wife again. Thank god for the television from about 10-20 years ago, because of what they produce now ... well, anyway. But it is stunning.

Now I love Julianna Margulies, and I am biased (which might be an understatement in this case), but the woman has probably around several kg of awards of all types, including Golden Globes and Emmys from the time before half of the kids around here were even born, so I might be onto something. She is scarily good.

The depiction of grief though. Every bit is on point.

The shock and the quiet confusion. The mundane scenes around you suddenly seem to make you burst out in tears. The empty feeling of everything. The anger to everybody and nobody in particular. Toward the whole world.

I love how there is not a moment of surprise. Everything is predictable. Almost like human behavior in a time that has happened millions of times throughout human history. Something we have all experienced in one or another way. They just had to write it down.

It’s not a surprise that Alicia is able to talk to strangers about what happened, and not to the closest people in her life. It’s not appropriate, they never understood, and they are not supposed to know what it meant.

Diane's reaction toward the crying girl was so real. This, this is what it feels like! Who are you, to even dare to grieve for someone you barely knew! How dare you, the stranger, even pretend that you care? You have no right to hurt, because you can’t even come close to knowing who this person was, how amazing he was, how important to me! The cold, brutal reaction and the immediate shift when she sees Alicia. In a second from intimidating angry matrona, she turns into a gentle protective heartbroken friend, who offers a hug. Almost motherly. Diane, who never had children, offers her comfort like a mother would do for a child.

And this is the only comfort and hug Alicia receives and accepts the whole episode. Later on, her husband tries awkwardly to comfort her. This goes as well as we probably expect.

All arguments and quarrels forgotten, Diane knows. Alicia's expression says enough. Her confidence and strength are gone, this is not the calm dangerously intelligent lawyer we are used to seeing. Alicia is devastated and Diane doesn't hesitate to offer help. Her voice on the phone in the voicemail to Alicia is soft and careful. She is not turning to a colleague there. It's almost as if she is about to break the devastating news to a wife about her husband.

But Will is not a husband, and Alicia is not allowed to think that way. The thing is… when you have suppressed yourself for a long time, it comes a moment when it doesn’t matter anymore. And you can’t just go on pretending anymore, because it took strength and now that strength is gone.

Even so, David Lee offers her condolences! David Lee says “I'm sorry” to her. The cynical, vicious divorce lawyer, whose views of romantic relationships are among the worst in the whole movie somehow understands that THIS is who he has to console. This little detail!

I hate how they handled Kalinda's reaction in this episode and the next ones. It’s logical for her to be angry and lash out. But she never attempted to look for Alicia, and she was the one who knew about her and Will. I know they don’t have common scenes after some point, and it was a nice touch that Kalinda was the one who delivered the news to Alica. I love that Alica called her and attempted to talk to her. That was the second person she reached out to, but the first one she was honest with, the first and the only one she shared how she feels like, that she actually talked to. “I don’t know what to do, Kalinda!”

I loved Eli’s reaction when he heard the news. Yes, this is shocking, the death of a person is sad and all. But it’s not that. Suddenly he is scared. Because he knows. He might never actually be told, and he might never see it directly, but he has seen her reactions every time the subject appears, he had observed how this polite quiet woman, who rarely shows emotion, is in the moments when Will is only mentioned. He had been observing her and in a way he admired her, he knew how composed she could be in times of crisis. And he was terrified. The way she flinches when he tries to touch her shoulder - the beginning of her detachment from the world.

I like the scene with Grace, even though it’s a hell of a frustrating thing to observe and listen to that conversation. The infuriatingly naive stance of her daughter and her attempt to comfort her mother is almost laughable. It made me remember every time Alicia has suppressed her own anger, fears, and hurt to protect the feelings of her children. At some point, Grece even tells her “Mom, you have to protect us better”, when Alicia has no control of her husband's actions and of the actions of the rest of the world. I know she is just a kid, and has a lot to learn, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if it’s Alicia’s own fault in a way. Grace’s naivety is a repetitive theme throughout the series, and sometimes it comes off as a stupidity. She laughs at the animation of her father being with prostitutes or is relieved when she thinks her father has nothing to do with the dirty attempts to smear his opponent in the election. That wishful thinking resurfaces here again, but this time Alicia is in no mood for her nonsense. And tells her that. It felt like she was tired of constantly shielding her daughter who is big enough to understand some things. And Grace knows it’s not a just colleague her mother grieves over.

I love the little detail with Peter realizing she would not respond to his calls so he takes Eli’s phone and both men understand then and there what it means when she picks it up. I love how Peter is attempting to be polite and comforting, almost as if trying to fool himself that he is the one who has the right and it’s his job to do it because he is the husband, and the blatant lie when she said her phone was off. They both know she is lying, but they both ignore it.

The end… Probably one of my favourite scenes in the show. While returning to her apartment, tired, Alicia looks surprised to find her husband there. He offers his condolences, and she just responds with “I know”. He hugs her and then and there is I think the moment when she realizes it’s over for her and her husband. It probably was over a long time ago. But this is the moment she comes to terms with it and finally doesn’t care anymore. I think Will’s death brought the clarity she needed to understand and accept her own feelings. No more pretense for the sake of something else or someone else. No more excuses. No more nice and polite. No more “the good wife”. She doesn’t respond to the hug and her just standing there showing no emotion is a stronger statement than anything else. The man who is hugging her could easily be a stranger. And it’s in a way his doing. Humiliation after humiliation, hurt, loneliness, abandonment… I feel like after everything, she is too tired to care and carry the marriage on her shoulders.

And the sweetest part - Peter sees it. He notices that she doesn’t react. Being unable to get to her in the moment when she is the most vulnerable must be a huge hit to his ego. The ultimate offense. He had known her for 20 years more or less, and he had probably seen everything from her. What's worse - at some point before that he admits he has fallen in love with her all over again. Good luck with that, pal.

And to solidify her resolve, the show offers a glimpse directly into her mind. They have done it here and there - with the daydreaming and dreams. This time is conscious. These are not flashes of imaginary scenes of romance, bits of her hidden desires, slipped accidentally into her mind. Throughout the whole episode she tries to figure out what Will thinks of their relationship, what were his last thoughts about them, and finally decides to believe that he too was in love and wanted to have it all with her. As sad and devastating as this idea is in this particular situation, there is a certain level of comfort there. And finality. This is where her mind settles. This is who she will love, and no one can have access to that. A solid wall is put between this part of her heart and the rest of the world, including the father of her children. One last call, that never happened, professing his love for her, will be the last memory she has of him. Forever.

#the good wife #julianna margulies #christine baranski #rant #no purpose #alicia florrick #diane lockhart #will gardner #tv #esterzach's lack of better judgement #esterzach's writings #The Last Call #S05E16

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gunsatthaphan · 2 years

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D'awwwww. ❤️🥰❤️❤️🥰🥰🥰🥰❤️❤️❤️🥰

Like that's the goey fluff ball I feel like after the Vice Versa finale. So sweet!

I also loved getting a peek at what was happening in the other universe through Talay's dreams! Us as the audience also spent a lot of time there with Puen and Talay, getting to know all those great characters, so it was satisfying to get the loop closed on how they might be doing at the end too.

Anyway! Thanks for letting me word vomit at you about bls and always answering my random anon q's! You run a wonderful blog and I love getting to chat bl with someone who gets it! ❤️

how are we supposed to move on from vice versa 🫠 i need help yall

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ugh anons. I agree so much. what a finale.

I was so scared after that trailer that they would travel back again because that would've been.....not to my liking lol.

But I love that they had them deal with problems in their real world as opposed to the other one and it was so well done too. The celebrity x mundane plot didn't come to my mind when thinking about the conclusion to their story but I really liked how they did it. They didn’t squeeze any dramatic climax in there but rather gave a nice conclusion and a glimpse into their real lives.

The part where Talay talked about their friends through his dreams made me so emotional 🥺 that was so nice. The fact that we got to see that from his perspective as opposed to them actually switching over to the other side to see what they're up to was amazing. I loved it so much 🥺 And not just that but them meeting the alternate versions of some of their friends was so fun lol. Tup and Tou...... what icons you are lmao.

And puen and talay eventually reuniting and then the friend credits thing at the end 😩😩 gosh. this was really the best wrap-up they could've done. It's the feeling of epic-ness and a zoom-out into the bigger picture that I experienced with TOL as well and that I like a lot. this director is really onto something lmao. I hope he continues his work next year.

But yeah this was incredible and I'm still so grateful that they chose to break the curse of ep11 because that episode still remains my favorite. what a masterpiece. thank you gmm 💜

oh and also thank you for liking my blog 🥺💜 have a wonderful day anon!!!!

xxx

#vice versa #vice versa finale #puentalay #gmmtv #reviews

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entropy-mephit · 2 years

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so, there is another smaller part to what I was writing, separated. Link to AO3, but the full text under the drop.

(“Why did you ask to marry me?”)

Dream doesn’t want to answer in truth, but he can’t lie, not about this. But he promised to speak. So in the end the short words of inaccuracy will have to suffice.

“I was alone” doesn’t come out because what does it even mean for being who is the essence of all minds coming together in Dreaming? He is not a person, just the ephemeral quality that marks the sentience, a quality in the collective of minds without which there would not be any collective at all. Every being adds pieces of themself into Dream and he is there to hold them and protect them to the best of his ability because that is all that there could be. Dream of the Endless is never alone because what he is are layers upon layers of minds, uncountable in plurality, coalescing together. He is everyone and everyone is him and if something tries to extract the idea all it turns into is a hollow afterimage, with nothing of substance left. And there was no one who came, no one who could have. Just darkness and void with nothing to reach for. So he did not try, he tried and failed and failed until he could not face trying again, because being denied might break whatever sanity he managed to hold onto in it all.

“I trust you to stay with me” tangles on its way out because it is a lie. There is no truth, just knowing that this person is like humanity embodied, all its dear, amazing qualities and shallow mundanities packed together and cut down to the size. Something enviously complete in the limited existence. But Dream can rely on the species as a whole to do tier best clinging to life no matter the circumstances, to do their best to keep existing and as such, be part of Dream. This idea coalesced into a person, a representation he reaches for to beg them to stay with him, to hold him close and not leave.

“I was lonely” the burning memories of darkness and harsh solitude, the raging desolation of silence inside the mind that was never meant to be empty… Dream exists to be everywhere and everyone and there isn’t anything left once all of that was stripped away. He experienced being taken out of his real mind and body, the torn shred of an idea with nothing to latch onto away from his dreamers. Faced with the knowledge he is nothing without them all. Loneliness is just the feeling of hollow emptiness as all that Dream is got peeled away, leaving but a desolate wasteland. And so he wants to cling even more, so tight it’s impossible to untangle him ever again, burn off the edges of what he recognizes as self.

“I love you” would be such a misleading declaration. Because Dream knows his love is nothing like what humans would call such. The insidious thing crawls in the cracks of being like choking vines, takes roots, and saps away independence greedily. Always chasing for more, burning violently in an attempt to have it all, the blazing intensity lighting up across all layers of what Dream is, suffusing whole collective unconsciousness in the shape of obsession. And there is nowhere to run away from it since the roots are spreading deep into the soul and hook into the unconscious mind. Trying to tear it away would just destroy the person faster. And he can’t even say he is feeling guilty over the destruction his passion brings. After all, it is not in his nature to be any other way.

“I care for you” but does he really? With just how selfish all of this care is, the desperate grasping for someone, anyone to reach out to him when no one has, putting a story of possible absolution where there was none. He has so much to pay back for the hurts he caused and yet, despite the power of what he is, nothing he has to offer seems to have true worth to offer in return. Nothing he could buy attention he carves because most of what he has to give is already what he owes to people. And going beyond that would result in tragedy. Holding back is just as selfish as delving all the way in, centered around the greed to keep his human, mixed with fear of letting him go. It’s not true care, just selfish little urges woven into the shape that might resemble it.

“I realized I can not bear the thought of you leaving me,” he says finally, sequestering all the complex reasons and associations entangled with the declaration. But the polite surface doesn’t change the truth behind it. He will not let go, no matter what.

#sandman fanfiction #dreamling #Dream of the Endless focused #my writing #ao3 link #basically my interpretation of character poured in

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terranoctis · 4 months

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Favorites of May

For May, I made more of an effort to read and watch stories that are foreign and non-English. Love of foreign film is nothing new for me personally, but it should still be reiterated how many good films there are in the world. As the famous Bong Joon Ho once said at the Golden Globes, “Once you overcome the one-inch tall barrier of subtitles, you will be introduced to so many more amazing films.” This is longest list of favorites thus far because I mostly chose foreign films that I've heard about and those stem usually from recommendations or good reviews--likely because these films are top-tier international films.

I want to add that it's extremely difficult to find international live plays and musicals subbed in English. I hope subbed live plays and musicals becomes a more prevalent and accessible part of international film and media import in the future for a Western audience member like myself. Shoutout to Tanz der Vampire and Death Note the Musical though for being subbed by fans!

Films

Dance of the Vampires: The Musical (2005) I will admit I was pleasantly surprised to see this and liked it more than I thought I would. It's my first non-English musical I've seen and I'm glad I saw the original German version before I ever saw the Broadway adaptation (which apparently alters much of it). It's pretty fun and good. Is it a little over-the-top and sort of goofy and horny at times? Yes, but that's kind of it's charm. The music is fantastic. As someone who loves orchestral overtures and rock, the musical has a fantastic blend of both and notably incorporates "Total Eclipse of the Heart" into its music as well (apparently the musical and the song are both by the same composer). It's a musical that embraces its goofiness while still being dramatic and serious at key moments. This is the only musical I know that has a whole song about how much they love garlic! It's a fun watch about vampires.

Perfect Days (2023) Perfect Days is a film that somehow beautifully captures Japan and a man's simple life as a toilet-cleaner through a minimalist lens. There's structure to the film, in the way the main character Hirayama wakes every day to follow his routine schedule and works to the fullest -- and somehow that routine in all the little moments informs us much about his life and how he sees the world, especially when there are little alterations to it with situations that occur. There are some of the most beautiful shots and frames in cinematography I've seen of quite mundane scenes that I loved, and it's perhaps one of the best things about this film. His day-to-day is broken up at times by haunting, hazy dreams he has each night and interspersed with a collection of fantastic songs from his cassette tapes. You can look at the film in two ways, where it's kind of sad because this man has isolated himself as an introvert--or you can find the beauty in the small things and how he lives. And in my opinion, it's both. Life comes that way, and he's experiencing the happiness as it comes (the shots of him looking up into the sky and sun), but also will feel the intense sadness as it does as well, as noted by the ending where he's driving and crying. His life will stay routine, but that's life--it has both the good and the bad that make you feel emotions. "Komorebi" defines sunlight filtering through trees and I think that word perfectly captures this film. There's beauty in his mundane life that brings happiness and those fleeting connections with people. For a film where not much progress in a plot happens (in the traditional sense) for the first half of it, I somehow loved it. There's a sort of zen, relaxing feeling to the film that also deals with a man's complicated feelings towards his family and connections to people. I related wholeheartedly to this film in a strange way.

Persepolis (2007) I've heard about this film before in a good light, but as I didn't know the source material, I was very much surprised (in a good way) about its focus and manner of execution. The film balances humor and serious matters in such a fantastic way through its black-and-white comic-book style. It's about a time of upheaval and conflict in Iran, which obviously is a distressing situation for those living there, but it's also about a child growing up and looking at the world with great curiosity and that punk-rock attitude of youth. There was a review I read briefly after I watched the film that captured it quite succinctly for me--it's somehow both the funniest and most depressing story. It's a rough time in Iran with the main character growing up, but the small hilarious moments interspersed between scenes of conflict somehow don't contrast the rough situation the character is subject to--only enhances and humanizes the character more. I love it. As someone who is American and is often witness to the way Western media portrays those from Iran and reduces them often to the stories of conflicts and terrorism, this story--this movie--does a beautiful job of portraying the wonderful culture and life of a girl who grew up in Iran, even in the midst of conflict and her life as a foreigner abroad. Of course, it's not a portrait of every Iranian's experience in similar circumstances, but it's a telling biographical picture of the author's experience in animation, which is pretty fascinating in itself to me. It's also rather informative of life in Iran and its culture from someone who disagreed with some of the more restrictive natures of its culture while also simultaneously taking pride in being Iranian.

The Umbrellas of Cherbourg (1964) Umbrellas is often listed on top hundred film lists I sometimes look over to keep in mind films I might want to watch in the future, and after having seen it, it is definitely one of the most quintessential films for good reason. It's the first film, I think, that is entirely musical and it's charmingly done with how the dialogue is portrayed in all sing-song language. I used to think that kind of film was cheesy, but Umbrellas of Cherbourg executes it in the best way that matches film by doing dubbing and allowing the actors to act without having to worry too much about how they sound. All the music is composed in such a compelling and charming manner that I can't help but enjoy it. The color palette of the film as well as how it's filmed is beautiful, saturated with vivid colors that is quite unique. I can see how this film has influenced in terms of aesthetic so many modern films I've seen and inspired modern musical films as well. This is a film that feels like the natural predecessor to La La Land, not only for its music and sets, but also its ending. Though La La Land is more hopeful in framing its tragic ending for the pair we followed, this film allows you to grieve it in all the sweeping music. It's perhaps the most iconic of the foreign I've seen this month in its framing.

Chungking Express (1994) Could I ever really be a true Asian cinephile if I have never seen a Wong Kar Wai film? Probably not. He won't be for everyone, and there are aspects of this film if taken literally are problematic, but if I interpret it in a metaphoric way (as I did) and let myself stew in the sort of dreamlike state the movie evokes, it's rather charming. I liked this film more than I thought I would. I understand now why people like his films because I was enraptured with this one. The shots he has through glass are some of my favorites, but in general, all of the way the film is framed and filmed is beautiful and unique. It also evokes that memory of love and loneliness everyone has had. Sometimes you meet people at the right time--sometimes you don't. Love is transient because it also changes for everyone. One day you might like pineapples, one day you might not. Never quite seen a film that depicts the transient relationships you have in life as charmingly as this one.

After Life (1998) I don't think this is anywhere near my top-favorite film of the month and it is for certain my least favorite of the Koreeda films I've seen, but somehow it is the film I thought about the most after I watched it this month. For that, I do think it deserves to be part of this list. This is one of Hirokazu Koreeda's first films, and I believe the first film he directed that he personally wrote as well. A thing I learned about watching this and some interviews from his cinematographer was that Koreeda's roots were from documentaries, and it shows in this film. The film focuses on people who've passed away and the limbo they go into before they pass on, which consists of a social building where they are to select one memory that they carry with them into eternity. The memory they select is recreated by the team of counselors in the state of limbo (creating a film is like recreating a memory in some ways, after all), individuals themselves who were unable to select one memory to pass on with or are individuals who decided to stay and help others pass on. It's strange to think about what singular memory you would choose, your happiest memory, to carry on with you--and the movie poses that question to people from all walks of life. The film presents itself in a documentary way when it interviews the people who has passed on--and also beautifully demonstrates the power of how memory and knowing the way a memory has changed someone is utterly powerful. There was something so poignant about how happiness and memory is addressed, particularly with the way the two main leads deal with it as one of them meets the husband of the woman he never got to marry. There is something so quietly beautiful about the pair of leads staring up at the moon, contrived or not, in that old building they live in. There is something so utterly beautiful about realizing how you played a role in someone else's happiness and choosing that to be the memory you carry with you.

La Haine (1995) Considering the modern-day relevance we've witnessed as a society with police brutality and marginalization of some identities and the violence surrounding them, La Haine feels utterly devastating in the way it portrays the life of three young men in the Parisian outskirts. The creeping (and explosive) anger from someone in the Parisian suburbs that is not unlike those of individuals from the projects or the worst city suburbs of the U.S. in a system that constantly disrespects them can be felt throughout the film. Visually, the film displays in such a gritty manner the volatile nature of these neighborhoods and its multicultural people in the face of marginalization and how their lives circle around violence. The film is also simply a film about three young friends out on a typical night together, and that makes the tragedy of its ending all the worst, because you know it's not how you fall that matters, it's how you land. The film starts with those words and ends on those words in such a haunting way that reframes it by the very end and you can't help but be haunted by the whole film. Society is in a free fall, but how is it landing? The film leaves you with that question. The film has some of the best cinematography and blocking I've seen in an urban setting, with some shots I will remember for years to come. Its three leads share a remarkable chemistry that depicts very well friends similar to ones I've grown up with and I admired how genuine the film felt for it. Thematically still a rather relevant film today.

The Battle of Algiers (1966) I want to be clear that this wasn't a film I enjoyed watching, as most of my favorite films tend to be. It is a film that I find haunting for how relevant it is even today. Though it is about the French-Algerian conflict and revolution which I personally know very little about, it still portrays its conflict in a way that I can recognize today, much like what I see going on with the Palestine-Israel conflict and other more recent conflicts (even those less overt than a revolution). It's a film that controversially was filmed only several years after the actual conflict it is about, but made all the more special for it. Realistically captures in a documentary-like, neorealism style the conflict and the people of both the Algerian and French sides. Its use of sounds is great at establishing the tensions of the individuals involved, and the scenes with crowds look phenomenally similar to how I see crowds and revolutions in the news. Though I can't say I would watch this again because of how heavy I sort of feel watching it, I do think it's a film everyone should see at least once in their life (thus why it's on my list this month). On a technical level, it's top-notch too for its time.

Swing Kids (2018) This Korean musical film is fun in a way musical films usually are, but it is also heartbreaking and tragic in a way that belies its initial demeanor. Though it takes place in a prisoner of war camp, it starts in a way in which you might hope for a happy ending with different individuals overcoming their differences. About halfway through the film though, the film reminds you viscerally of the fact that this is a war and they are prisoners of that war, all of them. The characters we follow certainly overcome their differences by dancing, but it doesn't stop the rhythm of ideological differences and how those in power will commit horrific war crimes to smother such differences, regardless of how the dancers might want to say "fuck ideology." The ending is tragic, but somehow hauntingly realistic. I liked this film way more than I expected I would have. The film is somewhat messy in its construction and some of its writing is ham-fisted, but it also balances out by having nuanced perspectives on people of different backgrounds. There's also one long scene of the male lead and the female lead dancing the same dance in different places and it's one of my favorite edited long takes of a dance scene in film. Metaphorically, it also shows them breaking down all the barriers and bounding across different places of the camp in such a wild and free manner, breaking past gates and protestors. This parallel to a scene at the end where the male lead tries to visually break out past the stage to stop his brother from killing everyone showcases how even his dance fails to sort of "break" past that and is stopped in place by his brother and the onslaught of conflict in a war. I thought that was such a nice (and tragic) touch there, whether it was intentional or not. For all its messes and difficulty balancing what is a fun dance film with what is a war film, the film tugged emotionally at my heartstrings.

Literature

Heaven by Mieko Kawakami I can't say I've been subjected to the level of bullying in this book, but I can relate to the kind of isolating human experience of it. The book is somewhat rather bleak in its depiction of bullying, but it's also a sort of testament to endurance and how people think, whether they are the individual being bullied or are the bully themselves. I can't say it's really among my favorite books, but I did feel for it... and there's something so poignant about two bullied kids just writing to each other that got me in the beginning.

Music

I find that my music favorites of the month have started reflecting or relating to the movies I watch each month, and this month really showcases that! Most of my favorites this month were non-English songs.

"Good Night," Utada Hikaru An animated film that I watched at the beginning of this month called "Penguin Highway" had this as its ending song. I liked the movie quite a bit, but it was a little too convoluted to make my favorites list of the month. However, as a film about meeting someone and losing them for incomprehensible reasons--and the beauty of the world you had with them, no matter how strange, the song hit such a strong chord with me as the credits rolled.

"Feeling Good," by Nina Simone I've always liked this song every time I've heard it over the years, but I never quite looked it up until I heard it in the last scene of Perfect Days. It's honestly one of the best songs of all time for me, a timeless classic.

"Dreams," by Faye Wong I love this song. As a cover of The Cranberries' song of the same name, it's a great mix of that classic rock I like and a wonderful voice from Faye Wong. This played in Chungking Express and made me fall in love with it instantly.

"Simple and Clean (Re-recording)," Utada Hikaru I have the distinct memory of hearing Simple and Clean for the first time on an English commercial between some cartoon shows as a kid, in an advertisement for Kingdom Hearts. It started a lifelong love for Utada Hikaru's music. The re-recording is beautiful and nostalgic all at once. Kind of funny I have two favorites this month from Utada.

"Moves" by Suki Waterhouse Suki's music has been growing on me in the past month and I found this song of hers from two years ago that I love. She has the kind of music that I like to blast on my own while I'm taking a walk and thinking about everything. This song in particular though encapsulates so well when you're in love with someone who's apprehensive of being in love. Love that slow guitar and drums.

#masterlist2024 #readings and ramblings

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mangodestroyer · 8 months

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Might sound dumb, but for the longest time, I was seriously struggling to immerse myself in media. I just could NOT get myself comfortable enough to do so. Specifically, this is something that happened when I started college for the first time, while dating my ex/after breaking up with them, and working a job. I think this is because I started experiencing much harsher scrutiny over various aspects of my personality and interests (I've been training myself to stop caring). Lots of unresolved trauma came to the surface and hit me right in the face. And that led to lots of insecurity, which attracts a certain kind of person into your life if it's bad enough.

Anyway, I've been doing more to indulge in media. Even read a fanfiction yesterday that was longer than 10k words (as someone who will rarely even touch one-shots lately).

I kind of forgot how... amazing that escapism is. Reality sucks. My life kind of sucks too. Adulthood sucks. Adulthood especially sucks if you're gen Z. Late stage capitalism is getting so bad and we kind of don't stand a chance. And also, I have tons of personal problems that make everything so much worse. Basically, I grew up being told that adulthood sucks and is lots of work, but that you also get a house, a family, a loving partner, and some freedom in return for that hard work. I don't want a family, and I'm not sure the house thing will happen. I guess I have some freedoms? I mean, being able to eat Asian food whenever I want is a privilege I won't easily give up. But, I mean, I really do want the loving, healthy partner (I think about it sometimes and I hate it because I don't technically need one, it's just my biology making me want one). Also, no one told me that friends are difficult to make as an adult. It's partly because some people I knew growing up are too busy with their serious relationships. And some people I meet already have families and no time on their hands. So that unfortunately causes me to want a life partner even more. And yeah, I'm not sure I can call myself "attractive." I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong with how I look (I would say I've started looking much more appealing in my mid 20's than I was as a younger adult), but I'm not "attracting" anyone. Hell, my ex didn't even seem that serious about me in hindsight and wasn't even interested in kissing me. Not even after two years. Which is... ouch!

So yeah, that sucks. Oh, well. At least I'm starting to immerse myself into fanfiction again. Seriously, it's such a great way to "experience" certain life experiences that you just aren't getting irl. I mean, you can be whatever or whoever you want. You can just pretend to be some super attractive guy, dating another super attractive individual. The chemistry will just magically work. Ofc they're crazy about you! Ofc they're going to kiss you at some point! You'll probably even go on some wild adventures with them in some fantasy setting, or you're just lucky and living an exciting life in a more mundane setting.

It was kind of making me sad sometimes, reading such indulgent stories like that. All I could think was "this isn't real, it won't happen for me." Now... it's just starting to make me happy again. I can just get immersed in the story and not care if it's not real. I mean, seriously. I can't just focus on the depressing shit happening in my life all the time. It's hard, but I can't even do much to fix it and it's nice to be able to escape from it now and then.

Maybe it has to do with getting more vitamin C. I had this gut feeling for a while that I needed vitamin C. I was craving juice and fruit. Now I started consuming things with lots of vitamin C and I'm starting to feel better? More emotionally regulated? More energetic with less brain fog? And an increased appetite? Stress was causing me to eat tons of junk food. I would sometimes eat to the point of getting sick. My stomach has been struggling for a while because the large amounts of unhealthy food were causing inflammation. My gut health has been improving over the past few months (started eating other things too, like more garlic and fermented foods). I'm dealing with much less bloating now. I'm starting to think bad gut health can be a huge factor in depression.

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raccoonfallsharder · 1 year

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i hope you don’t mind me dropping by your ask box so frequently, but im the anon who asked those fic writer questions (4, 13, 15) and also the same person who asked about the whole critique/advice thing. ive genuinely never thought about it that way and what you said stuck to me, especially the last two lines, don’t stop making plums, people need plums, it’s so oddly motivational and im completely in awe at how you were able to come up with that which brings me to my next question uh

how do you write so vividly?

you’re the author i wanted critique from, surprise, hehe.

it’s just that the way you phrase certain things makes what should have been a vague but known feeling not so vague, if that makes sense? i feel like im speaking out of my ass right now but you have a way with words is what im saying, and i see that especially in the ninth visit and blackmail material chapter 2, and i cant stop thinking about how you can come up with such profound ways of writing mundane things.

im gonna sign off because the last two asks ive sent in tells me this may not be the last time im anonymously hitting up your ask box again.

— reddie anon

reddie-sweetheart. butterfly. my little love. firstly you are so kind and i’m honestly so fuckin honored. this legit made my heart hurt ♡ thank you. i’m so glad that my writing has resonated with you in these ways.

i was thinking about this all day since i saw your ask. i’m not completely sure i know which parts of my writing felt really vivid to you personally and i am not completely sure i can tell you how my brain works (‘cause mostly it’s just fucked in there) but there are two things i do when I’m trying to evoke a specific emotion or vibe and I can try to share those??

1. i think about how an emotion feels physically in my body.

most people don’t know what emotions they’re experiencing when they’re experiencing them. emotions are hard and it’s often not till later that we can reflect on them && say “oh i was heartbroken,” “i felt betrayed,” “i was in amazement.” so when a character is having a reaction, I think about where I feel those responses in my own body (hunching shoulders? falling stomach? a sudden release of tension in the neck?), and those are the reactions I try to describe. (especially when you’ve got a character like fuckin rocket who wouldn’t recognize an emotion if someone pointed to to it on a goddamn chart)

2. i think about what other things are that evoke the same feeling for me.

so like when i say that you, reddie-nonnie, are a warm cup of honey-tea on a foggy morning, you probably know what i mean. i mean : your words offered me great comfort and healing. i mean: your kindness soothed my heart/soul/mind. i mean - you are sweet and hydrating and good. i mean that you are a little bit of brightness and i am grateful you exist.

and when i say your stories are plums, you probably also know what i mean. you’ve probably seen plums. there’s a good chance you’ve eaten some. but even if you haven’t, you can probably figure out that they’re juicy. sweet. nourishing. and that there’s nothing else quite like them.

so. IN PRACTICE. sometimes i write all this in a rough draft and have to go back and edit these weird-ass descriptions down because i get too deep in my head/too far out in space and i stop making sense lol. other times i write my drafts very plainly and it isn’t till revision that i say, okay - how can i make people really understand that when i say he was awestruck what i mean is, like, his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth and his heart was on the floor?

i REALLY hope this was helpful for you. I don’t know how much of it, if any, made sense, but i will always be flattered by any questions you ask and i will do my best to answer thoughtfully, thoroughly, honestly, and as well as i can. have a lovely night (day??) reddie-nonnie and thank you for trusting me with this question - I hope the answer was what you were looking for ♡♡♡

#rfh asks #lengthy metaphors as shorthand for lengthier feelings #rfh writing advice #reddie-nonnie

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leithianxx · 2 years

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I've been trying to tease apart why I've gone so terminally feral for this show in particular, and I think a big part of it is because it captures the feeling of falling in love so accurately that I feel like I'M falling in love. Butterflies in my stomach, nauseous when I think about it, can't STOP thinking about it love.

As much as we all love a classic rom-com/love story flick, they have wreaked havoc on our expectations of romance. The purpose of those films or shows are to play out our most grandiose fantasies of love and relationships, a level of drama we could never actually attain, as a form of escapism. There are no manic pixie dream girls whose sole personality is a brand of quirky that fits your interests and saves you from your disillusionment in life. In reality, pursuing someone so intensely without ever giving up or taking no for an answer until they finally win their love interest over has become a trope so pervasive that its bled into the insidious romantic imagination of Nice GuysTM world wide. In the real world, you probably will never have that spinny camera kiss in the pouring rain after you've beaten the odds and live happily ever after, and you might feel like nothing you can experience will ever live up to that feeling. Not to mention they're all heteronormative as fuck.

In OFMD the friends to lovers journey is tentative and slow. There's no moment where one of them takes their glasses off and they suddenly see the other in a whole new light. There's no one sided whining and pining, where there's no real interest in friendship and they only stick around hoping to someday get in the other's pants. They deeply care and fret about not ruining their friendship, about not making the other uncomfortable or pressured. Most of my personal long term relationships started out as friendships, and it was a delicate drawn out testing of the waters before it naturally evolved. And this is particularly common in queer relationships where the lines between platonic and romantic love are often blurred because there are no models of courtship to look to for guidance.

I've seen people talk about how their kiss was too awkward, but that's how real first kisses are. Confessing your feelings is mortifying and nerve wracking, and hearing it makes you blush and stammer. You miss their lips and knock your heads, you don't know where to put your hands. You're nervous. It's not perfect but it's sweet.

And hats off to Taika for absolutely nailing true heartbreak. It feels like your world is ending and your life has come crashing down like they show in the movies but it also makes you feel small and soft and scared. It's the squeak in your voice when someone asks you how you are and you can feel yourself trying not to cry but you can't stop it. It's feeling so emotionally exhausted that you can't even bring your self to be angry, you'd just rather curl up into a ball and die. It's thinking you're moving on until something small reminds you of them and you ugly cry until snot is running down your face and you can't catch your breath. It's hiding under your covers and writing shit poetry in your notes app.

OFMD isn't "I wish I could experience this love story." OFMD is "I have experienced this love story." Falling in love can be the most huge, overwhelming, transcendental part of the human experience. It doesn't need exaggeration. It's the little things, it's like Mary says. It's them understanding your idiosyncrasies and finding them charming. It's exposing each other to new things and new ideas. It's laughing a lot. It's passing the time well.

It's mundane and it's amazing. It's easy, it's like breathing. This show has made me fall in love with the idea of falling in love all over again.

#our flag means death #ofmd #our flag means death meta #ofmd meta #our flag means death analysis #ofmd analysis #david jenkins #edward teach #stede bonnet #blackbonnet #gentlebeard #edward x stede #taika waititi #rhys darby

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multiversxwhore · 2 years

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☾☾☾Hello! Hope you enjoy what you’re about to read, I would appreciate it if you like, and reblog my work here on tumblr. Please do not share my work anywhere else, and if you see it has been, or someone is claiming the work as their own please tell me. My master list is pinned to my page if you wish to see more! ☽☽☽

pairings: Edward Cullen x black!oc

warning: please don’t expect much cannon, or original story plot. Lol if you’re a twi-hard and you love the books/movies the way they are…this isn’t for you. Expect some inaccuracies im so sorry

wc:2k

Chapter 1

Imagine this, living a happy life with your family, going to school with all your friends, and having the hope that one day you grow up to live your dreams. Now, imagine everything that you’ve ever known, and loved being snatched away from you because your parents fucked up. That’s not even the worst part, moving to a whole new realm, in a small dimly lit city called Forks. Don’t worry, it’s more to this story than you think.

First day of Junior year

“Two new students in one day, what are the wonderful odds, and they’re both pretty.” A blonde haired boy named Mike perked up as Bella Swan, and I followed behind him wordlessly. A blank stare on my face, but she looked dramatically uncomfortable by the compliment. I don’t blame her. So far all of the boys we’ve met are just horny, ugly teens. Great. I really wish I could kill myself, and stay dead.

All their thoughts the same, wondering if so and so thought they were cute, stressing about grades, and rather or not if there will be meatloaf for lunch. Boring, insignificant, and jumbled thoughts. I have to hear nearly a thousand of them daily now, and I’ve learned how to turn others' minds off to my brain.

“Alright Eddie, here’s your first period, Biology.” My teeth clenched with annoyance at the nickname, I turned to him swiftly.

“Don’t call me that again, I hate nicknames.” I said coldly, a real part of myself slipping out, I tried to fix it with an awkward smile somewhat mimicking Bella. I turned to the chattering class, when I crossed the threshold, they all seemed to freeze as their eyes stuck to me. Though, there is someone’s stare that is burning through me hotter than all the others. Their thoughts are quiet, and slightly panicked.

She– she smells amazing, no better than that, like something I’ve never experienced before! Damn it I knew I should have went with Jasper and Alice last night

My eyes search the sea of students, all the way in the back of the class, my eyes zero in on a dramatically pale looking boy. His eyes are peculiarly dull, and dark. He bristled as if just now noticing I’m watching him, he must have the same abilities because I can feel him pushing within the corners of my mind. It’s more like a rough shove, my head unintentionally whips backward as if someone took their hand and pushed against my forehead. A subtle action to the mundane teens around me, I could feel my blood run hot, was that a challenge? Or was he having a hard time reading me?

“Okay, sorry it took me a minute to get you a packet together Ms. Eden Saxon. Unfortunately we only have one seat open, right next to Mr. Cullen, he’s very smart. You shouldn’t have a problem out of him.” The teacher said, I just nodded my head, and quietly made my way between the aisle of students. I think he’s realized my abilities, because now his thoughts are almost nonexistent.

…why is it always me? Was all he said, and even that came out as barely a whisper. The corner of my mouth turned upward ever so slightly, when I came to sit beside him his body stiffened significantly. He looked to be in pain, his hand covered his nose, and mouth. My lips pressed together firmly, this was going to be a long class period…

When it came time to do our actual assignment, Edward literally did not want to touch me. I just wanted to get my work done, but since it requires your lab partner I had no choice.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I snapped instantly, his eyes popped open with shock, obviously not expecting me to directly address him. I stared back waiting for a response, but he flat out ignored me, and turned back to the hand out, scribbling his answers down. What a jackass.

I’m talking to you! I shouted at him, my hand slamming down onto his wrist stopping his movements. Edward froze completely, so still you’d think he was a statue. Slowly his head turns to me, his eyes moving up my arm, and onto my face.

So you can read minds? And you can hear mine? Who are you? Being at the back of the class has its perks, no one noticed us yet.

“I’m trying to finish our work, so do me a favor, fix your attitude.” I ignored his questions briefly, and snatched his paper from underneath his hand. He just watched me, I think he was trying to figure me out. I knew from the look on his face that he was confused.

“Don’t hurt yourself Edward.” I mumbled finishing up my work in enough time for the bell. Quickly I gathered my things, and walked out the class turning my paper into the teacher. Unfortunately Bella’s, and I lockers are right next to each other. I turn to her, she quips her eyebrow upwards, but she doesn’t say anything.

I wonder if her day has been as shitty as mine? I chuckle lightly stuffing my books in the locker, and slamming it shut.

“Bad day already?” I leaned against the cold metal, my shoulder holding up my weight, and my arms folded.

“How’d you know?” She asked.

“Take a look around Bella, do we really fit in here?”

Absolutely not, she thought to herself, then she shrugged her shoulders, and pulled some textbooks out her locker.

“I’ve got a free period, I’ll see you later.” I was already turning away to go down the hall, Bella mumbled a quiet goodbye, and she too headed her own way. I stopped by the vending machines to get some snacks before heading into the library. Fordson High is a strangely large school, but that’s good for me, means more places to hide.

I take a deep breath going to sit by a window, another day, another rain storm in Forks. I took out my pen, and note book. I was starting to make notes when I heard hushed arguing.

Edward Cullen, and two other boys sitting at a table adjacent to me. Without looking up, he instantly stopped talking as if he could feel me before he saw me. It wasn’t until the other two noticed Edwards stillness did they stop muttering.

I could feel him searching my mind again, and instantly I got agitated. The guy sitting next to him with large honey colored eyes stared at me like a hawk. I could feel my mood shift, almost like someone was tugging at me; it temporarily distracted me from Edward.

Eden… his voice ghosted in my head, instantly I hit the emergency break shoving him out just as he did to me earlier. Though I was a bit rougher than him, my chin jutted outwards angrily, and Edward slid back in his seat. The wooden chair scraped harshly against the floor, some heads raised, but the few students scattered around didn’t care too much. I could still feel the tugging sensation, it was pulling harder, and I fought against the sensation of calmness. My eyes snapped towards the one with the honey eyes, and matching hair.

Edward got up from his seat, the other two moved along with him, so I stood as well. My fingers twitching, they weren’t crazy enough to cause a scene right here were they?

My eyes scanned for an adult, I’d hate to cop out like that, but that’s what a normal teen would do right?

“We just want to talk.” Edward mumbled, though I’m watching the biggest one in the end, he smirked at me arrogantly. If he thought this was going down smoothly because I’m smaller than him…boy he was wrong.

“Everyone please sit down, Eden isn’t a threat.” He was talking more so to the honey eyed one, he looked to be…on edge. As he should be, if he had abilities like Edward, it’s possible he felt intimidated.

“Not yet.” I chortled, the big one scoffed.

“You’re like ten pounds, cool it hot shot.”

“You’re not helping Emmet.” Edward scolded, but the cocky one wasn’t listening.

“Big muscles, tiny brain.” I mocked in a neanderthal voice, he cackled loudly, and took a seat at the table. Now that he’s squared away, I move onto the next one, and he wasn’t going to budge. I felt that tugging again, so it was him messing with my feelings.

“Stop that, I don’t like being controlled.” I snapped, my eyelids lowered, my hands balled into fist. Edward suddenly lurched forward like he was going to faint. That caught all of our attention, he caught himself right before he could tip over, and Emmet the burrowly one is quick to be at Edwards side.

“Quit it Jasper, it’s bothering him.” Emmet scolded him, Edward shooed the large one away, and sat down slowly.

“I’m fine Emmet, I'm not an old man.” Edward fussed, to which the big one coughed trying to hold in his laughter, his attempts were futile once Edward gave him a strange look. He was keeping his thoughts silenced, smart choice.

“Well technically—”

“Give it a rest already?” Edward begged him, his face contorted into one of deep annoyance. I assume Jasper felt at ease enough to take a seat as well, the three of them watched me as I remained standing.

“Eden.”

“Edward.” My lips pressed together, I’m no longer amused by this exchange. I came here for some peace, but it looks like that’s not happening.

“Please sit down, I’m sorry if my brothers and I scared you.” Edward offered softly, I tilted my head to one side as I tried to figure out if he actually thought I was harmless.

“Babe my night terrors are scarier than you, I’m just trying to figure out what you want from me?” Emmet of course found that hilarious, he snorted which rolled into a deep chuckle.

“You have…abilities my Edward.” Jasper blurted out when I started to pack my things, I paused. I was trying to decide if I should continue to entertain this, my curiosity getting the better of me.

“What do you want from me? Quickly.” I snapped my fingers, my hand on my hip, and my foot tapping impatiently.

“Well—” Right as Edward was doing to answer the bell rang indicating classes, and our free time was over. I throw my stuff back in my bag, and throw it over my shoulder.

“Oops, times up.” I turn to leave, I barely make the first step when Edward quickly gets up from his seat, and is on the other side of the table. I chose to dismiss it as I wasn’t really paying attention to him enough to question it. But I didn't like how he tightly held onto my wrist.

It’s not personal, but I have to protect my family. Please tell me you’re not a threat.

He seemed desperate for my answer, he genuinely needed to know, my heart pounded violently. He smelled delicious, like a warm baked cookie…it was an odd scent, and everything in me told me to run. That Edward Cullen is dangerous, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. The answer was right there on the tip of my tongue, and I bet it has something to do with The Council erasing part of my memories.

“I’m not, I promise…I’m just here to get away from things back home.” That wasn’t a total lie, I wasn’t in Forks for them, and anyone who has eyes can tell that they're different. Whatever it is they’re hiding, I’m not here to expose it, I have my own secrets to keep buried. Edward let me go, but he didn’t move from his spot, the gap between us a sliver of space.

I want– I want to get to know you Eden, if you’ll allow me to.

I gave it some thought…at first he acted like he couldn’t stand the sight of me, and now he wants to be friends? That’s annoying.

“You were such an ass to me today, I think I’ll have to sleep on it.” I smoothly turned on my heel, and walked out of the silent library. As I made my way through the empty halls, I already made up my mind, because after today's encounter…I knew I’d be seeing more of the Cullens.

#edward cullen #twilight fanfiction #edward Cullen x black!reader #edward Cullen x oc #twilight #bella swan #jasper hale #emmet cullen #alice cullen

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sleephyjhs · 4 years

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When You’re Expecting (Taehyung Headcanon)

pairing: taehyung x pregnant!reader

warnings: mention of fertility & pregnancy complications

note: i’ve been craving to write a bts x pregnancy series for a while so here we go !! if there’s a specific member you’d like to see next, shoot me an ask :)

m.list

FINDING OUT

even before finding out you were pregnant, you both had so much love for your child

there was nothing either of you could have wanted more than a baby

it was always at the forefront of your mind how much you wanted a little human of your own

it was approaching a year since you began trying seriously

a few false hopes and two miscarriages later, fertility drugs were looking to improve the chances of conceiving

the raging hormones which came with the drugs were all worth the positive test

early september - sickness had hung around your throat for days

headaches lasted longer than usual, and crying at the most mundane things had become an unwelcome habit

in the bathroom cabinet, you’d collected a small stockpile of electronic and stick pregnancy tests

one of them would eventually show positive, right?

taehyung sat on the bathroom tiles with you

waiting two minutes felt closer to waiting two months

he crossed his legs, bouncing his knees impatiently

your knees came to your chin; high hopes weighed heavily on your heart

the alarm set on his phone beeped quietly

your heartbeat rose suddenly to your throat

taehyung reached out for your hand as you turned to read the results

two blue lines - as clear as day

they became less clear as your eyes coated with thick, salty tears

he began to chuckle as his happiness trickled down his cheeks

“we did it baby! we’re gonna have a baby!” he whispered, choked up by his own anticipation

no words were left swirling in your mind

your jaw hung open as though the hinges were faulty

shakily, you lifted the electronic test to triple check

pregnant.

as you crashed into taehyung’s open arms, memories of the past loomed in your mind

it was only inevitable

a positive test was a familiar joy to you both

however this familiar joy had only ever been followed by crippling devastation

as much as you tried not to think about it, you couldn’t help but retain maternal caution

however, this time also felt different

taehyung’s spirit, your spirit - it was as though fate didn’t want to disappoint you any more

someone out there decided it was finally your time to grow a mini human to bring into the world

of course, no time was wasted in contacting the maternity clinic

seeing your baby on a screen was now a top priority

just to see their little head, maybe even hear their heartbeat

just to know they were okay

just to know you were keeping them cosy and safe, that’s all you needed

taehyung couldn’t hold his excitement

from leaving the house to reaching the hospital, his toothy grin never wiped from his cheeks

he never said anything at the time since his main focus was always on comforting you

but losing his babies near enough tore him apart

even when you tried to comfort him, taehyung restricted himself just to protect your wellbeing

of course, the worse had already crossed his mind

but it wouldn’t get the better of him

it couldn’t.

you soon learned you were already 6 weeks pregnant

the midwife had to point out where your little baby was hanging out; they were such a tiny thing after all

briefly, you took the opportunity to hear their heartbeat

it was faint over the machine, but fast

there really was a life within you.

“there’s something else, if you just look over here...” the midwife prompted, turning the monitor so you could grasp a better view

taehyung leaned slightly over your chest to peer closely at the smaller monochrome screen

with the mouse, she circled a second bean shaped figure

“the fertility drugs increase the chance of twins. looks like you guys got lucky!”

twins. you were having twins.

THE PREGNANCY

like with most pregnancies, you were advised to wait until the 12 week milestone to begin announcing your impending delivery

and even though he understood the importance of patience right now, taehyung could hardly contain his excitement

it didn’t help that a little bump had already begun to grow

keeping a secret was much more difficult when the evidence was near impossible to hide

already, taehyung spent early mornings talking to his little angels

telling them stories he seemingly made up on the spot

or even borrowing some from his own childhood

“you know they can’t hear you yet? it’s about 7 weeks until they’ll be able to, honey.”

“i know, i’m just practising for when they can.”

of course, you wouldn’t admit that you did the same when you were alone

you attended more midwife appointments than other expectant mothers might

the pair of you much preferred being on the safer side

in the car, when on a quieter, less congested road, taehyung often reached over to cradle your still-growing bump with a free hand

you slotted your fingertips between his for additional sappiness

“you two have so many people waiting for you here, hmm? many people are already so in love with you both. me and mummy included.”

on a sleepless night, you’d made a small pact with tae

it was a rash decision, but sincere nonetheless

“no matter what, they are always going to know how wanted they were. always.”

taehyung hardly needed reminding of this, but it was still a weight off your shoulders

as you tried to conceive, the pregnancy diet had already been implemented into your daily routines

however now that you were carrying two precious babies, there really would be no more ‘cheat’ days for you

no more extra half cups of coffee on slower mornings

although you usually took over the role of head chef in the house, taehyung dedicated extra effort into preparing you both healthy and yummy foods

sautéd rice with green vegetables and lean meat/tofu appeared to be his go-to

but you still opted to supervise just in case

finally being able to announce your pregnancy was another heavy weight lifted from your mind

the other members were over the moon for you both

particularly when they reminded themselves of the struggles you had experienced previously

and also remembering the utter devastation of their taehyung when he had to break it to them

all of them kept their eye out for little gifts and outfits

each week, taehyung came home with a new stack of pale rompers or neutral-tones teething toys

these babies would have the best uncles; at least that much you could be certain of

announcing your pregnancy on social media was a looming task, but one he was determined to pull off perfectly

for filler content between schedules, the members had been asked to film a 5 minute vlog of their daily life

well, what a perfect opportunity!

towards the end, taehyung made sure to include some shots of your now protruding bump overlaid with some more vintage camera settings

safe to say, that day you had broken the internet

love, congratulations and blessings poured in from every corner of the earth

a few comments complimenting how much pregnancy suited you touched you especially

self image is commonly effected by the progression of pregnancy, and you were no exception to that

although it was amazing how your body grew and made a little home for your tiny babies, it was still quite strange to see yourself changing so quickly

your favourite clothes didn’t fit around your doubled bump anymore

and your skin seemed to hate sharing nutrients with two extra people

but for the days where you struggled to love yourself, taehyung easily filled in the gaps for you

sneaking up behind you in the bathroom

(although the mirror kinda gave him away)

he’d wrap his arms around your just-moisturised bump and carefully rest his chin on your shoulder

“tell me all your worries honey.”

you gushed over how much you missed wearing your favourite jackets

and how strange it was to look at yourself in such a new and confusing way

“i know it’s normal, and i know i have to do it for them. but i guess it’s just weird - i don’t look like myself anymore”

he sighed and planted a kiss on a spot of bare skin

those small kisses still tickled you like they always had

“well, you definitely look different,”

you really hoped there was a second part to that sentence, mostly for tae’s own good

“but why does that have to be bad? not gonna lie, it actually kinda makes you hotter. maybe we should make babies more often!”

“make~?”

LABOUR AND DELIVERY

originally, you had wanted to try and stick to the natural route for as long as you could

but after a few contractions, that idea was immediately out of the window

to help steady yourself and wait out the pain, you held onto the kitchen island and swayed to your own pace

eventually, taehyung joined you

copying the same movements while timing your contractions

“they really must be desperate to come out, huh?”

“well do you think they could hurry it up a bit?!”

the pair of you had been prepared for this for over a month

the hospital bag was ready by the door with all of your essentials packed tightly inside

not forgetting the pots of instant ramen taehyung insisted he must bring in case of an emergency

just as he was readying to back out of the driveway, taehyung took a mental stock check of everything packed in the back

“do you think we have everything?”

“i love you but stop talking please.”

thankfully, he understood well that the sheer pain made you cranky

so long as he assured himself that it was ‘just the contractions’, he’d be just fine

as much as he couldn’t wait to announce he was about to become a father to everyone, he kept himself grounded when walking you to the maternity ward

one corridor in and you’d suggested that a wheelchair might be a better mode of transport

breathlessness and contractions didn’t sound like a favourable mix to you

the assessment of your fast dilation granted you an immediate spot in the labour ward

you’d picked this suite specially due to its expansive space

the option of a birthing pool was still available if you so needed it, but the mood lighting and access to aromatherapy was what attracted you to the room in the first place

a serene paradise for your angels to be born into

it was perfect

taehyung explored while you adjusted to your new surroundings

of course, it didn’t take him long to find the birthing ball

“what’s the difference between a yoga ball and a birthing ball?”

there obviously was none, but you took a few seconds to try and be smart with him

“well, sit on that and you might have a baby the size of a watermelon come out of you soon.”

taehyung cradled his torso and pulled a shocked expression, which was enough to make you giggle and cause another contraction

less than a few hours passed, and you had already attempted to scream the building down once or twice

“get these babies out of me. no i’m serious, i need them out.”

realising your deadpan expression, taehyung soon attended to you at the head of your bed

stroking your slightly sweaty head and patting a ice cold flannel on your clammy forehead

he braced himself for a crushing hand grip which came about sooner than he’d prepared for

you weren’t the biggest fan of commotion, and so being surrounded by nurses and doctors was close to being your worst nightmare

taehyung focused his voice into your ear, trying to minimise the tension coming from below your pelvis

his motivational words were broken up by short bursts of pushes

many of which were followed by a string of curse words which just slipped out

and then, there it was.

the first piercing cry belted across the room

a tear or two may have happened to slip from your eyes

finally the moment you’d waited for, nearly two years in the making, was here

the first of two, a little girl who already had a head full of the most luscious black hair

taehyung wanted to hold back his happy tears in order to show some kind of strength

but you and him both knew he’d never hold it back for long

within the space of 4 minutes, the second baby was born into the world.

but this time, there was no immediate cry

the whole world seemed to slow down in that moment as you waited

and waited

midwifes gathered around the new infant, looking for any kind of obstruction

but, soon enough, your son said his first hello to the world

#taehyung #kim taehyung #bts #bts taehyung #bts v #bangtan #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts one shot #bts drabble #bts headcanon #bts mtl #bts imagine #bts reaction #bts pregnancy #taehyung dad #taehyung x reader #taehyung x oc #taehyung pregnancy

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skulljackxiii · 3 years

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Total Dangan Island

Contestant No. 1.5: Izuru Kamukura

History: He came from an unremarkable home with unremarkable parents with a lifestyle that wasn’t either tragic or rewarding, therefore of course a child of this background would be nothing special. Early in his childhood the boy knew this, he knew what he could do and what other people saw him as, so he felt why bother striving for things higher if he was already expected to be average. Despite the boy's content with his life, his parents were quite the opposite, they wanted more from him. This goes beyond just parents wanting their child to have a better future out of love, rather there was more of an underlying sense of greed and envy behind their motive.

Just like their son, they were unremarkable people that came from an ordinary background, but rather accepting who they were, they wanted more. Both of them despised losing, and others even more that were gifted that could achieve things that they couldn’t. They craved acknowledgement and valor more than anything that would make them stand out and could be used to exploit their superiority onto others. But they were not deluded from reality, they knew that they didn't have the capabilities to be rewarded anything. So their next big plan was to have a child, by raising a special child that could accomplish their dreams and more, that would ultimately lead them achieving the biggest reward that any parent would want. In their minds, every parent wanted to have a child that was special or had a unique talent to them that could be used for their own benefits and almost as a desired object that most others could only ever dream of having. But their grand scheme was demolished as soon as their son was born which was just like them, unremarkable.

Years later, both parents refused to accept the truth and persistently forced the boy to practice, study, and train until they discovered what he was talented at. This was all the boy knew in his home; his face in books, exercising with various weights, and most noticeable of all was the disappointed faces of his parents who consistently berated him with lectures and complaints about him and all his flaws. This routine became so consistent that the boy became numb to it all and just saw it as part of his everyday life.

The boy always questioned why his parents were so desperate and acted the way they did, but he held no resentment towards them or anyone else. Though that didn’t mean that he wanted to uphold what they wanted or held himself in higher regards either. However, that was until he discovered this autobiography by an author that soon became this boy’s idol.

In the book it talks about how the author came from an ordinary and mundane household who was consistently underestimated and belittled by others due to his status and upbringings, but later became someone that could accomplish so much that most men could only dream of. It went onto further details that through his determination, hard work, and wit he was able to pass and overcome all challenges and diversities that came his way, thus discovering that he had innate talents that excelled in many categories. Then finally, it states that in his final moments he wanted to build an institution for young talents and give them opportunities that he was never given when he was younger. After finishing the book, the boy became infatuated with the author and adopted principles that reflected the author’s values. He soon treated the autobiography as his bible and uses it at times to help remind him of the tales of his hero that he wishes to be…”Izuru Kamukaura”.

With a fire lit in him and motivation driven to be like his idol, the boy sat down and seriously studied and trained in order to be the best. With days, weeks, and months pass by, the boy’s effort was unwavering and continued onward without stopping. His parents took notice of his change and their demeanor lightened after taking credit for their son’s sudden growth and change in attitude.

After his nonstop assault with his hard work, he finally saw results and was placed first in every academic category in his grade. Once he saw that, he felt completely different and was overwhelmed with joy after all his hard work paid off, but those feelings were nothing compared to the ones he felt once his parents found out about his results.

Despite knowing them his entire life and seeing them everyday, on that day the boy saw his parents as complete strangers to him once they knew of his achievements. Their mannerism and demeanor changed, and they showered him with praise and love for the first time in that boy’s life. The feeling was unreal to him, it was a warmth inside the boy’s chest that he never felt before in his whole life. As he continued watching his parents continue to embrace him with big bright smiles on their faces, the boy cried tears of joy and let it run down his face like a waterfall. That marked the moment when the boy knew that he wanted to preserve this feeling and maintain his parent’s affections.

As time moved forward and the boy continued his pace, his results remained in the top with no change in its order. Soon not only his parents, but teachers, relatives, and even other parents started showering the boy with praise like, “You’re amazing”, “Other kids should be like you”, “I wish my kid was like you”, and “You’re a role model”. But the praises that the boy would hear often and would stick by him the longest were “You’re so talented” and “You’re such a genius”. Those words struck the boy’s mind and filled him with such pride and confidence since those were the exact same lines used by others to describe his hero. Also the boy’s parents would often brag about their child towards everyone and explained that the boy’s exploits were only possible due to their superior parenting methods. Obviously, arrogant bragging like this would cause strain with other parents and relatives, but they had no room to interject since what they said wasn't entirely wrong. The boy had mixed feelings about what his parents were doing, but in the end he was still happy to see them so energetic and loving towards him.

Though his effort won him the affection of the adults, most of his young peers felt differently. It is because he tries so hard for results and the adults would often compare him to them, other children would feel irritated by his presence alone and start alienating him, even small acts of bullying would occur. But despite all that it didn’t affect the boy that much because he still had some friends left to play with, and his parents explained that those children were acting out due to how jealous they were since they weren’t “talented” or “special” like he was. The boy took all those words he received to heart and used them to help elevate his efforts in achieving his goal of becoming the next “Izuru Kamukura”.

But that wasn't meant to be as the phrase “all good things must come to an end”, rang in the boy’s head once he entered middle school. As soon as the boy set foot in that new school, all his previous achievements and efforts were meaningless once the boy met with real “geniuses” and “talent”, the true elites. His grades and performance kept on falling and falling until he was placed in remedial classes to help him from flunking all his subjects. Just as the boy’s performance dropped, so did everyone’s expectations of him as well. From stares of admiration to glares of disappointment, more and more people started mocking the boy for his wasted effort and even more so towards the parents after years of them bragging of how superior they were for raising such a “talented” son. Once the mockery occurred, the boy’s parents reverted immediately back to the state when the boy was small and younger; cold, disappointed, and full of dismissive complaints. Shocked by the setback, the boy refused to give up and sacrificed any means to get back what he lost. The boy discarded his remaining friends, destroyed his social life, and got rid of any meaningless free-time, all in order to use those remaining times to better himself. Alas nothing changed, the boy’s effort was wasted and not a thing has improved.

Now the boy is back where he started...no, he was in a much worse state than he was before. It’s true that his parents and everyone else around are back to thinking very little of him, but now he was completely alone and he even thinks very little of himself now. After experiencing that warmth from his parents and others, and following the footsteps of someone he admired, the boy can’t help but to feel empty and hatred for himself for not being special or talented. He would start questioning his own worth and see very little value in his own existence. There were times when the boy even thought of ending it all, but he would stop every time when he got these sudden flashes of “Izuru Kamukura” and thought about all the hardships he went through before he could achieve anything. He thanked “Izuru” every time for saving him from himself and giving him the strength to keep it together, but there was this other thought in the back of his mind if it was really right to compare himself to someone like “Izuru Kamukura”. Though he did have to overcome many difficulties, in the end he was actually talented, whereas the boy was not and was just ordinary.

A few years have passed and the boy is now of high school age, he was just another face in the background that had no one by his side. Though the boy didn’t stand out or got in anyone’s way, disdain and mockery still lingered towards him as his old peers still retells the stories about him and his past. With not much to do, all the boy did was get through it all and head straight home. At the end of the day, to no surprise there was no one there, the boy just bolted to his room and got started with his homework. His mind constantly wandered off and dreaded memories of his past, thinking up scenarios of his life where he stood out as “talented” and how content he would be with his life.

One day when the boy was reliving his past, he stumbled upon an online ad that advertised recruitment tryouts for a spinoff show of the infamous series “Total Drama” called “Total Dangan Island”. At first the boy wasn’t interested in the show or the prize since he knew of the show’s predecessor and its dangerous reputation, but there was something that caught the boy’s interest. In the ad it stated that only the top 16 most talented and capable youths of the World would be selected to participate in the contest. At that moment the boy had a sudden flash of realization, if he were to enter and win then everyone in the World, and especially to himself, would have to acknowledge that he truly is talented and special enough in order to beat the best of the best.

Once he finished recording and sending his tape audition, he went on and explained his plan to his parents. Despite the resolve he had for entering the show before, in his mind he was still scared since this show’s predecessor is known to be life threatening and is willing to endanger its participants for ratings by any means. So a part of him was hoping his parents would stop him or warn him that it was too dangerous to go out of concern for him. However they were ecstatic and were ready to pack all his things up, even though he was yet to be even nominated. The chances of him being accepted was between nonexistent to miniscule, the boy begged all his might to be let in.

After months passed by, the boy noticed a strange black and white envelope in his mailbox and tore it open. Upon reading the letter, the boy jumped in celebration as it was a congratulation letter from the show for being a following contestant. After telling the news, the boy’s parents quickly got his things together and was at the door ready to send him off. The boy was overwhelmed with various emotions clashing with one another; from joy, excitement, nervousness, terror, etc., and right before he took another step forward out the door his parents stopped him to say some final words. In the boy’s mind he was hoping to hear the words “We’re so proud of you”, “We love you so much”, or even a “Stay safe”, but all he got was “Make sure you win and get the prize.” After hearing those words, the boy’s emotions calmed down and silently nodded back at his parents in response. The boy then turned forward and walked away, at that point the boy was determined to win at any cost so he could finally put to rest all his fears and doubts and prove to everyone, especially himself, that he is worth at least something.

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Bio/Extra Info: (Read Previous Bio) Early on in the competition during one of the first Challenges, Hajime and the rest of his team lost one of its members. They all agreed to scatter to go look for her, but there was no luck. It became hopeless until Hajime finally spotted her in the deepest parts of the island. As he went after and finally caught up to her, he noticed that they were at a strange location that was like a gravesite for dangerous and decaying machinery.

It was the Dump Pit, a junkyard area where all Monokuma's prototypes and rejected ideas were all discarded to rot away (obviously this was all done without Monomi's knowing). As he was about to reach out to her, the ledge that they both stood on crumbled. Once they fell and got closer to the site, they landed on this strangely-colored puddle that was leaking from something that looked like a large battery, some in particular landed on Hajime’s eye, and they were covered by this terrible chemical smell that almost seemed like it devoured any clean air surrounding the area. In a panic, both team members quickly got out of the site and escaped from the forest together without any visible harm done to them. After thoroughly inspecting themselves they found nothing that was wrong, at first.

After a course of a few weeks, Hajime’s eye continuously got worse as it became more bloodshot red and throbbing profusely, in which he could receive massive headaches that would cause him to collapse onto the ground. In that state, all his fears and doubts would loop in his head constantly, then during that he would hear a faint voice telling him something. He could never make out what the voice said and at times when he was about to decipher it, the headaches would stop and so would the voice alongside it.

Then one morning when he woke up, he noticed that all the pain was gone though was surprised when he got to a mirror to check his eye. He saw that the pupil of his left eye had completely turned red, upon the mirror he saw a figure standing behind him in the mirror. In a scared panic, he quickly turned around and asked who the stranger was, but as the stranger answered Hajime instantly recognized the voice as the same one in his head from his headaches. The stranger answered that he was Izuru Kamukura, but Hajime had a hard time believing that since Izuru was long dead and that he looked nothing like him. In fact the stranger actually resembled Hajime who dressed up ruggedly as Izuru Kamukura.

Hajime cautiously reached out to this Izuru, but he phased through him and immediately jumped back away from him. When Hajime asked what he was, Izuru took a pause and thought deeply about that question. After a couple seconds, after analyzing all the clues and data from Hajime’s memories, he concluded that he was a separate persona that was conjured by his psyche. As Hajime was dumbstruck to the possibility, Izuru continued theorizing that after being exposed to all that chemical waste has created this strainful chemical imbalance in his brain. The area that was mostly affected was amygdala, which controls fear and anxieties, thus causing all those serious headaches he had up until now.

In order to answer and compensate for all his doubts and anxiety, his psyche has created a whole new personality that embodied all his desires and wishes, thus creating this Izuru Kamukura that stood in front of him. After the explanation, Hajime was taken aback and shocked by what he heard. After that’s been done and over, now all that’s left is for Hajime to decide what he’s going to do with his whole new roommate in his head.

(Hajime’s) Goal: (Read Previous Goal) Same as before.

(Izuru’s) Goal: He is indifferent, he doesn’t care about the game, prize, or anything of that matter. He only acts or takes control over the body only when Hajime requests his help or allows it. Izuru could process images in an instant, has access to 100 percent of his brain, and was in complete control of every single strand of tissue that composed his body. Until Hajime calls for him, he’ll just stand on the side and watch him go through huddles and other challenges. Since Izuru views himself as a perfect being that could do no wrong, which makes his existence boring and meaningless, he finds watching others struggle to achieve their goals, despite their flaws and imperfections, a bit intriguing and entertaining.

#tdi #total drama #total drama island #danganronpa #danganronpa goodbye despair #danganronpa 2 #dr2 goodbye despair #DR #fanart #au #izuru #izuru kamukura #kamukura project #hajime hinata #hajime #hinata

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

Text

Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)

As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below.

I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.

0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant.

1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.

1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”

2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?

2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry.

2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode.

3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified.

3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief.

3:30 - OMG. “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it.

3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT.

3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?

4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.

4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true.

4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot.

4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit. hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?

4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining.

4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great).

4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius. I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?

4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed.

5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha

5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.

5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”

5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition.

5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little.

6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining.

6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.

6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa.

6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3

7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha

7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?

8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3

8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general.

8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect.

9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk.

10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating.

10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it.

11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.

11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial.

11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!?

11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.

12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3

12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm.

12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season?

13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between.

13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.

13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3

13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder).

13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues.

13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?

14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.” Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?

14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often.

14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore. DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT.

14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!

15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here.

15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might.

16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay.

16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”

16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.

17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?

17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason.

18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha

18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?

18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :(

18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode.

18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers.

19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”

20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil.

20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.

21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this.

21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL.

22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality.

22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame.

23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast.

23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured. Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264

23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”

24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him. <3

24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?

24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis.

25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people.

25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card.

26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour.

26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day.

28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence.

28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.

29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting.

30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?

30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back.

30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.

30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”

30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood.

31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?

31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.

31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :(

31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?

32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here.

32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?

32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!

32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son).

33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons.

33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator.

33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?

33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3

35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT.

36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die.

36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?

36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING.

37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her.

37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all.

38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it.

38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :(

38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene.

38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!

39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3

39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape.

39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds.

39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3

39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!

40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(

40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”

41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect.

41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie.

41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?!

42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces.

42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral.

42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth.

42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us.

43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity.

This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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song-of-oots · 3 years

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Fuchsia Groan: my (un)exceptional fave

A while ago a friend of mine was asking for people to name their favourite examples of strong female characters, and my mind immediately leapt to Gormenghast’s Fuchsia Groan because it always does whenever the words “favourite” and “female character” come up in the same sentence. In fact scratch that, if I had to pick only one character to be my official favourite (female or otherwise) it would probably be Fuchsia. There are not sufficient words in the English language to accurately describe how much I love this character.

The issue was that I’m not sure Fuchsia Groan can accurately be described as “strong”, and until my friend asked the question, it hadn’t even occurred to me to analyse her in those terms…

Actually this isn’t completely true; Mervyn Peake does describe Fuchsia as strong in terms of her physical strength on multiple occasions. But in terms of her mental strength things are less clear cut. She’s certainly not a total pushover, and anyone would probably find it tough-going to cope with the neglect, tragedy and misuse she suffers through. In fact, this is something Mervyn Peake mentions himself – whilst also pointing out that Fuchsia is not the most resilient of people:

“There were many causes [to her depression], any one of which might have been alone sufficient to undermine the will of tougher natures than Fuchsia’s.”

Anyway, this has gotten me thinking about Fuchsia’s other traits and my reasons for loving her, going through a typical sort of list of reasons people often give for holding up a character as someone to admire:

So, is Fuchsia particularly talented?

No.

Is she clever, witty?

She’s definitely not completely stupid, and her insights occasionally take other characters by surprise, but she’s not really that smart either.

Does she have any significant achievements? Overcome great adversity?

Not really, no.

Is she kind?

Yes. Fuchsia is a very loving person and sometimes displays an incredible sensitivity and compassion for others. But… she can also be self-absorbed, highly strung, and does occasionally lash out at other people (especially in her younger years).

So why do I love Fuchsia so much?

Well, I’ll start be reiterating that I don’t really have the vocabulary to adequately put it into words, but I will try to get the gist across. So:

“What Fuchsia wanted from a picture was something unexpected. It was as though she enjoyed the artist telling her something quite fresh and new. Something she had never thought of before.”

This statement summarises not only Fuchsia but also the way I feel about her (and for that matter the Gormenghast novels in general). Fuchsia is something I’ve never really seen before. On the surface, she fits the model of the somewhat spoiled but neglected princess, and yet at the same time she cannot be so neatly pigeon-holed. It’s not just that her situation and the themes of the story make things more complex (though that is a factor); Fuchsia herself is so unique and vividly detailed that she manages to be more than her archetype. She feels like a real person and, like all real people, she is not so easy to label.

Fuchsia is also delightfully strange in a way that feels very authentic to her and the setting in general (which is particularly refreshing because it can all too often feel as though female characters are only allowed to be strange in a kooky, sexy way - yet Fuchsia defies this trend).

She’s a Lady, but she’s not ladylike. She’s messy. She slouches, mooches, stomps and stands in awkward positions. Her drawing technique is “vicious” and “uncompromising”. She chews grass. She removes her shoes “without untying the laces by treading on the heels and then working her foot loose”. She’s multi-faceted and psychologically complex. Intense and self-absorbed, sometimes irrational and ruled by her emotions more than is wise, but also capable of insight and good sense that takes others by surprise. She is extremely loving and affectionate, and yet so tragically lonely. Simultaneously very feminine and also not. Her character development from immature teenager to adult woman is both subtle and believable. She has integrity and decency – she doesn’t need to be super clever or articulate to know how to care for others or stand up for herself.

Fuchsia is honest. She knows her own flaws, but you never catch her trying to put on airs or make herself out to be anything other than what she is. She always expresses her feelings honestly.

She’s not sexualised at all. I don’t mean by this that she has no sexuality – though that’s something Peake only vaguely touches on – but I don’t really feel like I’m looking at a character who was written to pander to the male gaze (though her creator is male, I get the vibe he views her more as a beloved daughter than a sexual object).

Finally, I find her highly relatable. I am different to Fuchsia in many ways, but we do have several things in common that I have never seen so vividly expressed in any other character. This was incredibly important to me when I was a teenager struggling through the worst period of depression I ever experienced – because she was someone who I could relate to and love in a way I was incapable of loving myself. Her ability to be herself meant a lot to me as someone struggling with my own identity and sense of inadequacy. It didn’t cure my depression, but it helped me survive it.

What am I trying to say with all this?

I love Fuchsia on multiple levels. I love her as a person and also as a character and a remarkable piece of writing. I mention some of the mundane details Peake uses to flesh out her character firstly because I enjoy them, but also because it’s part of the point. Her story amazes me because it treats a female character and her psychological and emotional life with an intense amount of interest regardless of any special talents or achievements she happens to exhibit. She doesn’t fit the model of a modern heroine but neither does she need to – she’s still worth spending time with and caring about.* To me the most important things about Fuchsia are how different and interesting and relatable she is – and how real she feels.

* To be honest, this is part of the point of the Gormenghast novels in general. The story is meant to illustrate the damage that society – and in particular rigid social structures and customs – can do to individuals with its callous indifference to genuine human need. Fuchsia is one of many examples of this throughout the novels. These characters don’t need to be exceptionally heroic in order to matter – they just need to exist as believable people. And despite how strange they all are, they often do manage to be fundamentally relatable.

Why am I talking about female characters in particular here?

The focus on “strong” female characters and the critique against that is pretty widely acknowledged. Growing up, I definitely noticed the lack of female characters in popular media and the ensuing pressure this then places on the ones that do exist to be positive representations of womankind – someone girls can look up to. It’s very understandable that we want to see more examples of admirable female protagonists, given that women were traditionally left to play support roles and tired stereotypes. The problem is that the appetite for more proactive female heroines can sometimes lead to characters who are role models first and realistic human beings second (characters who I mentally refer to as Tick-All-The-Boxes Heroines). It’s not a problem with “strong” proactive heroines per se, but rather lack of variation and genuine psychological depth (not to mention a sometimes too-narrow concept of what it even means to be strong).

Male characters tend not to have this particular problem because they are much better represented across the whole range of roles within a story. You get your fair share of boring worn out archetypes. You get characters who are meant to represent a positive version of heroic masculinity (and now that I come to think of it, having a very narrow and unvarying presentation of what positive masculinity looks like is its own separate problem, but outside the scope of this particular ramble). We don’t usually spend time obsessing over whether a piece of fiction has enough examples of “strong” male characters though, because we’re generally so used to seeing it that we automatically move on into analysing the work and the characters on other terms. And because there are often more male characters than female, they don’t all bear the burden of having to be a positive representative of all men everywhere. They exist to fulfill their roles, and often exhibit more variety, nuance and psychological depth. They are also often allowed to be weird, flawed and unattractive in ways that women usually aren’t (which is a damn shame because I’ve spent my whole life feeling like a weird outsider and yet this perspective is so often told primarily through a male lens).

Tl:dr; Fuchsia Groan is a character who feels like an answer to so many of those frustrations that I felt growing up without even truly understanding why. A large part of why I love her is simply because of how much I relate to her on a personal level. I admire her emotional honesty and her loving nature… But there’s also a part of me that was just so relieved to find a female character who exists outside of the usual formulae we seem to cram women into. She is unique, weird and wonderful (but non-sexualised). Psychologically nuanced and vividly written. She isn’t exceptionally heroic or talented or a high achiever – but she does feel like a real person.

Female characters don’t need to tick all the right boxes in order to be interesting or worth our time any more than the male ones do.

#fuchsia groan #gormenghast #mervyn peake #female characters #mental health #depression #long

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