#and I feel absolutely exhausted already
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From my sketch book!! I've been trying to make an effort to use it more, now that it's starting to warm up and I can sit outside.
I generally sketch in pen, just because I hate how smudgy pencil is, and I feel like the ink improves my "decision making on the fly" skills.
#Anyways I hope everyone has been enjoying totk and having a good week! It's my birthday this friday#and I feel absolutely exhausted already#on top of that the production i joined is turning out to be a crunch job and I cannot stress how badly i do not want to do it#at the very least i have hyrule as a stress reliever#it feels so good to have a zelda game to default to now#anyways thats it for my tags talk#my doodles
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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just an fyi, and it feels like it needs to be said here: your blog is your own space and you should be able to say whatever the fuck you want. if you’re sad? vent. get sad. maybe put it under a cut, definitely tag it, but get sad. if you feel like you need someone to talk to? drop a freaking message about how you’re feeling like you could use a buddy, or anything randomly engaging. if you’re having a hard time, you should feel safe and okay to talk about it in your own space. we’re writers and we’re people and while there’s a lot to be said for how engagement outside of oneself is necessary in rp (and really really needs to improve), i think there’s a lot that must be said about people reaching out to others. it’s become so solitary here — the whole ‘reblog from source’ thing when it comes to shit like about and musings is absurd. the whole refusing to like things is ridiculous. yes, curate your space, that’s important, but curating your space into a studio apartment only you live in doesn’t make this a community anymore, it makes it a studio apartment you live in.
just be yourself here. do whatever you want. but i’m always saying: remember you’re not alone, and don’t let yourself feel that way.
#ooc. o kaptain.#[this is illogically worded and after an argument I’m already upset but I just felt like this has to be put here. it’s been sitting on my#brain for so long and it’s something i just wanted to discuss. the way the rpc has become not even an echo chamber just… a shitty ny#apartment only one person lives in that can fit your fridge and your bedroom in the same room. the way literal fandoms have divided each#other through nothing but massive senses of entitlement and so much gatekeepy fucking language. it’s exhausting to watch this happen#literally all because i have no idea where interaction went and yes I’ve been virtually inactive for months now but. it absolutely isn’t for#lack of trying to come back. it’s hugely due to a lack of interaction whenever I reach out and then the feeling like I’m being either#entertained or dismissed. this is a social space and we’re people and everybody just needs to recognize that. like. last week my introverted#broski started discussing how as he’s older he feels loneliness more tangibly but he hates people and i looked right at him and said …yeah#dude. that’s natural. we’re humans. we need each other to live. we need spaces we create and communities we make. but like. there need to be#interactive people in those spaces. we’re social creatures. i love you guys and this is a ramble but… it’s been on my mind awhile. and#frankly? feels kinda good to finally speak my mind.]
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i'm gonna be honest i believe that jin ling's postcanon opinion of jiang cheng eventually shifts to "you're my family, you raised me and i love you, but you're exhausting to deal with"
#keri chats#jin ling#jin rulan#mdzs#mo dao zu shi#like... JL isn't at all the type of person who'd go no contact estranging himself from JC but i do think he'll take after jiang yanli#in appreciating wwx as a family member. prob not to the extent of considering him a blood relative like his mom did but still#the more he learns abt wwx & realizes he was clearly Not Told The Full Truth and the more he sees his uncle's own culpability#(which JL already shows understanding of in the novel) the more he matures. and in the same vein he realizes many adults he knows are#childish and spoiled in their privilege; not only from their prolonged bitterness over the past but from the way they only ever consider#their own feelings. that too in the lens of transactional gains and losses; debts and repayments; me me me maybe my clan and nobody else#wwx himself gets so distressed dealing with jc he bled from the 7 apertures & qi deviated at lotus pier the night before guanyin temple#wwx thinks jiang cheng is exhausting to deal with! and while jin ling will absolutely never be in wwx's position#i think postcanon (especially if jiang cheng doesn't truly change in spite of everything) he'd come to understand that exhaustion.
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maybe i do need to go to therapy bc its probably not good that ive been living on autopilot and the last 7 years went by so fast but also bc i was deliberatly Wanting the time to go by to put as much space between me and the events of 2017-2020 as possible all while somewhat knowing my young adulthood was slipping me by and now both my teenage years and my early 20s are gone and i still feel like my 19th birthday was yesterday yeesh!!
#i do feel like im out of time completely and its kind of.making me insane bc its not fair lol#life could be worse! but it couldve been a lot better too#like on one hand i think i had a normal reaction to exceptionally traumatic shit happening to me with no support system.#and everything that happened was caused by shit out of my control and i Know that bc i spent my teen years specifically working hard to Be#in control#like i did make the choice to give up sure. but that was when absolutely every effort had been exhausted#and theres only so much a human being can take especially when i was so young#but on the other hand!! even when i found a support system and things are better now than they were#i still feel like im trapped perpetually in this Waiting period#waiting for life to begin Waiting for an OPPORTUNITY to make my life begin already#and no effort on my part yields anything so i have no choice but to WAIT#but im TIRED. of waiting#im sick of seeing videos of people way younger than me making art ive always dreamed id have made by now#theres also this invisable wall i have always had built around me that is Impenetrable and i keep hitting it#and its gotta be me but it really feels like the universe has some unseeable chains on me which aounds so stupid#but im not allowed to get passed it#im way past the point of even being capable of showing the agony it causes me now like its just a dull joke#ANYWAY the fact ive typed all this makes me think ok. yeah maybe it is time to talk to someone LOL#carry on im fine this happens to me all the time. helps to get it written out at least
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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y'know. it really sucks to feel yourself back-sliding, mentally, when you know you've been doing pretty alright for a while
#i can feel it coming scoob. frankly i think it may already be here.#i am always so tired. frustrated. having really fun mood swings.#and my job is deeply taxing and deeply stressful. ao i never get any fucking reprieve.#and i literally don't have the energy to care for myself at home reliably.#so my whole fuckin day got ruined today bc my landlord visited with some people to measure the place.#and i spent hours cleaning. and he ended the call by trlling me my apartment was dirty.#so. i cried. bc i have no emotional resilience anymore on account of the constant stress#and then i cut someone off in traffic today despite trying really hard to Not do that#but despite checking my mirrors and blind spot 4 times i still managed it!#and they sped past me. so i screamed at them from the safety of my car with the windows rolled up.#and then immediately burst into uncontrollable tears that lasted the better part of 30 min#and nearly made me puke.#so now. i am hollowed-out and exhausted. just barely making it through.#and i can feel how close the absolute meltdown is. and i can't fuckin do anything about it bc i can't miss work! fuck!#it's been an exceptionally stressful two weeks and I've had it. but we keep trucking i guess.#idk im sad and frustrated and just going through it rn. and it sucks bc i remember being happy.#and i'm just not anymore.#i ramble#sorry this was long and rambly and unasked for i'm just having a really really bad day#and will be having them every day until at least august!
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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our current dilema is that the pain from our wisdom tooth keeps getting so bad we have to take pain meds (like it keeps hitting an 8/10 for several hours at a time. we can't not take pain meds) but the only pain meds that touch it have a warning on them saying not to take them for more than 3 days in a row, and we have at least another month of dealing with this, so I don't really know what to do.
the warning is because they're opioids and can cause addiction but I don't actually know how bad the risk is because everything seems to treat it like opioids are the worst thing ever and should be avoided at all costs and you'll get addicted if you so much as glance at them.
either way, my options are to either keep taking them and just accept that risk, or deal with being in so much pain I can't function. even with taking the pain meds I can tell we're a lot more irritable and short tempered and probably just insufferable to be around honestly and I hate the fact that pain causes this, but once again we've got to deal with this for over a month and we've also got to deal with the anxiety over what the treatment for it is going to actually involve.
I've had to deal with medical trauma stuff I didn't even know about until like yesterday when Lucy suggested it might be part of why I feel so shit, and I've had multiple panic attacks per day and constantly feel way more anxious than usual and I get the feeling we're just gonnaa have to put up with this for the next month and I don't know how the fuck I'm meant to cope with any of this
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#posts made on pain meds#there is absolutely nothing that gets rid of what essentially amounts to a constant sense of impending doom#like our brain has just fully decided we're fucked and going to die or some shit and now I have to deal with the anxiet from it doing that#and like I know logically we're gonna be fine and this is ridiculous#but I know we sometimes get a delusion where our brain just decides we're gonna die on a specific day or whatever#and I think that's flared up and combined with the severe medical anxiety#and since knowing a delusion isn't real doesn't do shit to stop you feeling like it's real#no amount of logic seems to be able to make our brain not freak out over this and make me have panic attacks because of it#we already had that delusion kind of going on in the background because something about this time of year seems to trigger it#and I guess having something planned that's incredibly triggering and causing that feeling a dread#probably just made our brain combine the two things#we also are definitely experiencing stress-induced psychosis just in general because I've been hallucinating so fucking much#actually I wonder if the fact that I've had to take pain meds so much might also be messing with our psychosis#I would like to maybe not have to deal with any of this#we were looking forward to just getting that one tooth removed and then resting and recovering and not having anything planned for a while#and instead we've got at least a month of dealing with this shit and I'm fucking exhausted#this year has basically just been me dealing with one unbelievably triggering thing after another because I have no other choice#like I keep being thrown into situations that involve triggers that I can't even think about without having panic attacks#there's a whole bunch of shit going on in our personal life and stuff just keeps piling up and we don't get a break from any of it
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#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
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trying to check out to see if i'll ever manage to get top surgery this year and. let's just say i thought the delay would be bigger but. the price is still always such a big ass problem i kinda wanna bash my head against a wall but. anyway
#living with 600/month and having no idea if i'll ever get a job after this semi-work that ends in march but. oh well!!!#already tried to calculate if i could ever save any money from the little time i get to work there but!!! only make me wanna cry#im afraid this will be another year w/o top surgery 😀 dying in the summer and wishing to rip my skin off. w/o the hope i'll at least#get a date some day. cos at this rate i have absolutely no hope ngl.#the whole organisation to get to one of the potential surgeon 2h away is already making me want to explode#i have absolutely no idea how i'll ever be able to pull this off. ever. i don't even know if we'll be able to stay in this flat by the end#of our contracts. so. yeah#i can't see past 4 months away how can i think i'll ever be able to start this thing going. trying to but i stay silly ing the situation but#!!!!! im so desperate i feel so drained and exhausted. the mere idea of summer makes me wanna kms i'm dreading going through it another year#smh.#absolutely no one gives a shit i shouldn't vent in da tags for the 1 day of the yea#but im suddenly hit with an enormous wave of despair that i know won't go away cos it's always on my mind#and seeing the facts once again that i'll prob never be able to afford it is not helpiiiinh#yes i live in france no not everything is paid by healthcare cos it's still considered as non vital </3333#dental/ear/teeth problems started to get fully refundable (on specific little things) only a few years ago#so we're like decades of getting top surgery refunded 100% im afraid</3#i shouldn't complain but then again what's the use of cool healthcare if we can't ever have access to a doctor. of any kind.#smh smh smh#rent over I'm sick of myself i'll shut up sorry
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So tired of this week. And it’s only Wednesday
#tbh i was already tired on monday bc the weekend wasn't long enough to properly recover from the past two weeks#but today really sealed the deal#almost 12 hours at work yesterday because of an emergency#and while we were all glad we answered that phone call and fixed things (dog is much better today too)#it was pretty exhausting#and my second client was not only already pretty taxing in terms of personality and communication style#but also absolutely unbothered by the fact that i am in fact a graduated and licensed vet#so i spent 40mins taking an extensive history and doing an exam and explaining further diagnostics and treatment options#and finally convincing her that good antiparasitics as base protection are an absolute must for her dog's abhorrent skin problems#('BUT THE BAD CHEMICALS')#only for her to go 'well we'll have the doc take a look in a second' like???#am i a joke to you#she's not the first one and won't be the last#and we were told at uni that esp young female-passing assistants with older male bosses get that treatment#and i could probably put down my foot more in such situations#but man am i grumpy and tired today#and it doesn't help that i'm feeling like an impostor more often than not anyway#well.#my brain's like an overstimulated chihuahua today#gonna go and give it something nice to chew on before it bites someone who doesn't deserve it#rant
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#sometimes u have a day thats just so. i cant even. its seems 2023 is my year of rage#directionless rage. i guess im mad at me but instead of being directed inward it just goes out into empty space#im just fucking. im at my saturation point#its a good thing i stopped taking measurements yesterday and went to the store tomorrow bc im so fucking#mostly bc i noticed a problem with the code for a paper that is fucking less than a day away from being locked in on acceptance#and now its like fucking i have to go through and change a lot and im also less than 48hrs away from another massive project starting#that will occupy my whole fucking waking nightmare of a life. so its a good thing im level headed. its a good thing i can accept my fuck#ups with honestly. bc im so fucking. ive had it. im up to fucking here with everything and i just want it to be done#im fucking full of bitterness and black bile and i want to break things. and whose fault is it? fucking mine#bc im too fucking exhausted constantly all the time to fucking pay attention to what im doing and notic that a fucking function isnt#working properly. fuck u fuck u fuck u. so what r we gonna do abt it?#idk well see what my boss says. i already texted her that news and its good bc at least i caught it but god its so fucking irritating#god. will i b told off for this? maybe. i probably deserve it. haha if so that will send me for an absolute tailspin. i cannot stand to#feel ive done something wrong. even when i kno i have. last time i had a total freakout meltdown and made v bad choices and that wasnt even#this bad. so its a good thing im currently fairly stable bc the desire to make bad choices is very strong#im just so sick and tired of everything and i want to let things implode bc im vindictive against myself. but we must not do that we must#be reasonable. so idk we may have to withdraw the paper. whatever i dont give a fuck. itll get accepted elsewhere. i dont fucking care#leave me alone to dissolve into the dirt and set my data ablaze to be helpful to no one. erase my Prospective impack. i don't fucking care#anyway today sucked. i might have to stay up all night trying to fix this. ensuring that i fuck up the start of the looming project yayyyyy#i hate it here. i stopped having fun over a year ago#itll b fine. im just fucking. im full im impotent rage#unrelated
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i don’t know how im going to stay up tonight
#im exhausted already that post physics breakdown absolutely did not help#+ then the interview (i looked fine by the time it rolled around but oh my god my eyes feel so tired from crying i need to rest) which#certainly went better than the physics exam but some of my replies absolutely could have been better#also it was an hour and a half long good GOD i mean part of it was a lab tour but even after that they talked to me for a solid hour. let#me sleep#and the interview was only slotted for an hour so it went way over#not sure if that’s a good sign or not like are they interested or was this just repeated attempts to let me recover from fumbles and failing#personal#the physics chronicles#the engineering chronicles#like i still need to read 100 pages and study for lit exam and write a report and work on midterm project program :/ that’s way too much#<- when your classes don’t end until 9:30
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#feeling really weird in my body tonight so im going back to bed#idk just.. have had gender and identity issues today. its just. a lot#like being ngc and not out of the closet cause i dont wanna talk about it is so exhausting and im just. yeah#not to mention the whole aroace thing#just been thinking a lot today. idk. i know im not faking any of it but bringing it out to ppl is just. so much sometimes#i have two irl friends who know. one thats thankfully very careful about it around other friends cause he knows im not out yet#but its still exhausting. especially when the conversation goes on those rails while undermining specifically my identities#without these ppl knowing about it. and i dont wanna talk about it cause technically its irrelevant but like..#idk. im just afraid of being left alone. being called awkward and weird and faking it and that its just a phase and... yeah idk#idk where this is going im just complaining now. i would just like to exist as myself without having to explain shit#cause these are terms and things i would have to explain. oh whats an agender? then why do you still look feminine and not enby(???)#how do you know youre ace if youve never dated? or aro?? as if these things dont work the other way around#im just already tired of it but i feel like eventually i should break it out. these ppl are my friends. we have a trans person in this grou#and ppl understand him and his perspective. i guess part of that is the thing im afraid about tbh. that they think im following a trend#or an example. that i havent been dealing with this for at least like five or six years before they came out as enby and later trans to us#but.. idk. its just hard. these identities are so hit and miss with ppl and them understanding and being hurtful later on#aaaand now im crying. this is so stupid im going to bed good night#night is an absolute mess on main#(tho be clear tho ive known im ace for over half of my lifetime now. the five to six years was about being agender/enby. fyi)
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i just cried after doing the dishes because of my paws being in pain and because I feel like I'm being a terrible host because I'm kinda tired of my guests. I love spending time with them, but having to go to work, do my house chores, keep them entertained and fed, is just too much. And I feel like being overwhelmed makes me a horrible host. I didnt tell them anything, I'm trying to seem like I'm not that tired, but just because in my head I'm getting tired of all that, I'm bad. And yes I know that my thoughts don't make me bad, but that doesn't matter because while I know that I still feel like absolute piece of garbage. Because like, how could I even think of that. I'm supposed to be happy about them being here, and I am happy, but I am also constantly in pain and have to do everything around the house and it's just too much
#i feel so guilty for that but sometimes i wish theyd leave early even though they just came here#not because i dont want them to be around#i just dont want to have to do absolutely everything for them#but i have to. theyre my guests#i wish they lived closer so we could meet without all that exhausting bullshit#just. go get a coffee or pizza together every now and then#but since they live across the country they cant visit often so every visit has to matter#and what makes me even more guilty is that im mostly tired of my sister's boyfriend#i like him. but im tired#my sister is my everything and i would kill and die for her. she can do whatever she wants#but also she does whatever she wants. if shes hungry or thirsty she knows she can just grab anything she wants from the fridge or whatever#because shes family. she lived with us most of her life. our home is still her home#but her boyfriend is someone new to this place. he lives differently from us simply because he wasnt a part of our family until recently#technically he can do whatever he wants but i know how awkward can it be to rummage in someone elses fridge#and he shouldnt have to clean the place. because hes a guest#so while my sister is just living here for now i have to do everything for him#and because im already making a meal for him why wouldnt i do it for my sister?#i do it anyway when only she is visiting because i love her#you know honestly im just a better host when there's only one guest. its not that overwhelming#okay also im hungry but i cant eat anything bc of various stupid reasons#mostly just. i dont feel comfortable eating around people i don't know thay much#but also i feel like i cant eat anything if i dont give them that thing too. but they already ate something this evening#there wasnt enough of that meal for three people so i just made them food. but now i fant get anything else for myself#without giving them that thing too but theyre not hungry anymore bc they already ate#and I'm just too fucking tired to make anything for everyone#i want to just make myself some toast or sandwich without having to do a million of them#im just generally tired and hungry and overwhelmed and in pain and i feel so guilty for being those things#ough#bee buzz
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