#and I didn't have a mental breakdown while doing it?
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Where MC Tells the Obey Me Brothers About How Horribly They Were Treated in Twisted Wonderland
This was requested by @sweetlicorice I hope you like it! It was taking longer than expected, so I only did the brothers, but I will do the dateables in a part 2, don't worry.
TW: Talk of being Overworked and Burnt Out, Abuse of Power, Very Angry Demons (but not at you), mental breakdowns, missing a pet (he's not dead, don't worry), and nightmares
Reader is referred to as MC by the characters (though I don't think they say it here) and MC is gender neutral, but this is mostly in second person, so for the majority of the story you'll be referred to as 'You' by the narrator.
Characters include: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Asmodeus, Satan, Beelzebub, and Belphegor
Could be read as romantic or platonic
This will be long, so the stories under the cut
This is organized by character, with a bit of context at the beginning. Enjoy!
First, it was a coffin. You were kidnapped by a horse-drawn hearse, woke up in a coffin, in another world. A world of magic, and wonder, but also one of pain, as you quickly learned. But you met people. You made friends, allies, and you were learning, even if you couldn't use magic.
And then, it was you landing rather harshly in a room that looked like an old-time, very fancy courtroom, surrounding by tall and intimidating looking young men. It was soon explained to you that you were in the Devildom, and were an exchange student, one that would be living with the Seven Deadly Sins for your own protection.
You didn't know what to feel. Gratitude for the much improved living conditions? Fear for living with a bunch of demons and going to school with demons that would likely have no qualms with snapping you in two if you stepped out of line? Sadness for the friends that you don't know how to get back to? Upset for being forced to leave the place you were finally starting to feel like you fit in at and having to leave Grim? It was a whirlwind inside, and for a time, that's where it stayed. Kept inside.
Slowly, the Devildom revealed to have similar problems as Twisted Wonderland, in the fact that it seems everyone in power here, aside from Diavolo and Barbatos, would like you to die.
Most of the brothers tried to kill you. One of them succeeded! Congrats to them you guess, though, no offense to Belphie, you don't think it was particularly hard for a demon to kill a human.
Through all of this, you got closer to those you were staying with, even forgiving Belphegor after everything. It only made sense that eventually, what happened to you, you started to open up to them about your past. About those that you met and bonded with, all that had been put onto you, and all that was different.
Lucifer:
You were in his office, as you did somewhat often. It was quieter in there than it was in most of the house, and no one would bother you if you were with him. Plus, sometimes he would let you take care of some of his paperwork, just the stuff that wasn't too sensitive or important, but it lightened his load a bit.
"Why do you insist upon helping me?" He asked, not looking up from his paper, as you looked at your own.
"I'm used to doing more work, and if it makes your job easier, then I don't mind." You shrugged.
"More work? Do you mean like a job?" He asked, somewhat curious. Your file had listed a lot, but you had, apparently, been missing for a while when you were brought to the Devildom, so he didn't know what you had been doing before coming there.
"Something like that." You vaguely answered, finishing a paper.
"I am always here if you need to talk." He glanced up at you, as you pulled out your homework instead.
"Thank you."
A comfortable silence fell over the you two. The ambiance of the fireplace, paired with the low volume on the record he was playing, along with the light scratching of his pen, was calming. His office was always dimly lit, enough to see easily, but also darker than the average room.
It was a quiet environment that reminded you of the days when you would sit in the office of Crewel, him taking pity on the amount of work shoved on you and attempting to help at least a little. Or the days when you would study with Ace and Deuce in the Heartslabyul Common Room, Riddle sitting nearby doing his own paperwork, and Grim resting lazily along your shoulders. It was comforting, yet sad, at the same time.
"Back, in the place where I was," you started softly after a few moments of silence, "there was more that was required of me."
"In what way?" He asked, and though you couldn't tell, off in your own world, he had stopped doing his paperwork to focus on what you were saying, fully enraptured in wanting to know your backstory.
"The headmaster, at my last school, his name was Dire Crowley. And he was terrible at his job." You laughed bitterly. "I showed up there one day, against my will, and practically started running the place once he thought I could handle it, or when he was certain I wouldn't complain." You glared at your paper, thinking back on all that was unfairly thrown at you.
"Like what?"
"Paperwork, was the majority." You answered without thinking. "But there were.... others."
"Others?" He prompted after a few moments of a now, much tenser, silence.
"Your demon form is scary." You looked at him, making eye contact. "But it is not as scary as facing seven Overblots within the span of a year."
"Overblots?"
"The manifestation of out of control magic and strong negative emotions that result in the transformation of the magic user, and the creation of a sort of monster. The magic user loses control of their entire being, and it's very taxing on the magic user." Your eyes were glazed over as you seemed to recite the information with no emotion in your voice. "I don't blame them, for Overblotting, and losing control, the world is cruel. I do blame Dire Crowley, however, for making me responsible for dealing with them."
"That sounds dangerous, for someone without magic."
"It was." You agreed, still looking towards him.
Not at him, but through him, as if you weren't registering how much you were saying. This made him all the more concerned, as he got up and walked over to you, sitting beside you.
"I was also responsible for whatever Dire Crowley wanted me to do. Feed the fireplaces over winter break, find out why our sports players are getting injured, stop that one student from taking over the student body, house these people for this inter-school competition, and on, and on." You listed, beginning to spiral. "I practically ran that school. Me! A magicless human who had no idea what they were doing or where they were or how to handle what was happening to me. He stuck me in a shack, filled with mildew, and mold, that was covered in dust, infested with ghosts, and falling apart at the seams with a fire-breathing cat. And he didn't even make me a student at first!" You looked at Lucifer, tears pricking your eyes. "I was a janitor! And when another student got myself, Grim, and another student in trouble, he was going to throw me out! Onto the streets with no understanding of the world, how it functions, or anything at all!"
Lucifer nodded, trying to get you to calm down silently, wanting to hear about your past, even though it was painful.
"And he'd threaten me, Lucifer! He'd threaten my housing, my food budget, and I had no means of income! I couldn't pay for myself in any regard, I was completely dependent on him! I was his little puppet. The puppet of the 'oh so gracious Dire Crowley'." You began to sob as emotions started to overcome you, them all spilling out as you finally let yourself feel safe enough to feel these emotions. "I was so scared! About what would happen to me, and my friends. I didn't know what the next day would bring."
He brought you into his chest, hugging you tightly, and allowing your tears to stain his red vest. He let you sob and weep as you finally allowed yourself to process the emotions you'd been keeping inside this whole time. He kept his breathing even, trying to get you to match it subconsciously, and he gently rocked you, trying to calm you down as best he could.
"I miss Grim!" You cried out, into his chest. "I miss him so much that it hurts. I feel so anxious without him around."
He didn't ask who Grim was, but he knew it was someone important. He'd ask you about it when you were calmer, for now, he'd just let you cry to your hearts content. It had been a long time since someone had come to him, and allowed him to see them crying, but he didn't mind it so much when it was you. He took pride in being someone you felt safe enough to cry around.
No more paperwork got done that night, but he didn't care. You were more important at that point in time, and Diavolo would understand, he assured you of this, when you tried to apologize for taking up his time and crying on him. He brought up that Diavolo would be more mad if he hadn't comforted you, which made you laugh. You were so tired from crying that not long after you calmed down, you drifted off in Lucifer's arms, on the couch in his office.
Mammon:
You were hanging out in Mammon's room one night, trying to help him study. Mammon was a lot smarter than a lot of people gave him credit for, the main issue you were having was the effort in which he was putting in. Which was zero. He was much more interested in his video game than his homework, despite the fact that Lucifer had threatened to string him up from the ceiling should he not get a satisfactory grade.
It was almost nice, how familiar this felt. The arguing with him about studying gave you a nostalgic feeling, for when you would study with your First Year friend group, and you would try to pry Ace away from his video games. It was never effective, much like now, but the nostalgia made you keep trying to convince him.
Mammon himself didn't seem to notice the effect this was having on you, too focused on his video game. Not that you cared, better for him to remain oblivious that try to pry your secrets out of you.
You sighed, closing the textbooks that you had brought in, accepting the fate of his grade, and making a mental note to find a spot to at least try to hide him from Lucifer. You watched as he played the game for just a few more minutes before you crawled over, sitting beside him as he played, watching the screen.
"Why're ya so good at homework in the Devildom anyway?" He asked, in the blunt way he normally does.
"Diavolo adjusted my curriculum because I don't know much about the Devildom, so I get assignments that are easier." You admitted, leaning against him, your head resting on his shoulder. "I appreciate it, my last headmaster wasn't nearly so accommodating." You mumbled bitterly, thinking back on that incompetent headmaster.
"Really? How's that?" He asked, only half-paying attention, as he spam-clicked the button on the controller to his video game.
"Eh, don't think too much about it. Crowley was stupid, and though he claims he was gracious, he was really anything but. At least to me."
"What's 'at supposed to mean?" He asked before exclaiming nonsensical, frustrated sounds at his loss in the video game.
"I was basically his Barbatos, but I wasn't paid. Hell," You laughed mirthfully, "what money I was supposed to get was threatened, actually. More than once."
"Really?"
His attention was still diverted, and you noticed this. He was likely only wanting to hear your voice for background noise while he played, but you didn't mind so much. At least now you can say you told someone. Even if he wasn't listening.
"Yeah, Crowley threatened my food and housing budget more than once. And he'd push all his work onto me, even though I really shouldn't have had that much responsibility put on me. After all, I was someone without magic in a magic-teaching school, from another world. I didn't know anything." You shrugged lightly, trying not to move Mammon's arm too much, because your head was still resting on his shoulder. "I can't say I miss that part of it."
"What do ya miss then?" He asked, eyes still glued to the screen.
"My friends. I had a group of friends that were pretty tight-knit. Trauma bonded, more like it." You laughed. "And Grim. I miss Grim."
"Grim?"
"My cat."
"Ya sound like Satan."
"Grim was a special cat. He could use magic, and fly, and talk. You remind me of him sometimes." At that he finally paused the game to look at you.
"I, remind ya of... a cat?" He asked incredulously.
"Yeah." You smiled, laughing lightly. "He was sarcastic, and demanding, and greedy. He called me Henchman, you call me Human." He rolled his eyes. "But underneath your... bravado, is a very nice person, who cares a lot. Grim and I... we only had each other. So it just makes sense that we bonded. I miss him, a lot. He used to sleep in my bed, and he'd always be there with me. I've been having trouble sleeping without him. It just feels like there's something missing." You admitted in a soft and sad tone. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders.
"I'll be yer Grim 'til we can convince Diavolo or Barbatos, or maybe Solomon to get yer cat." He said quietly, rubbing your upper arm. "Ya can sleep in here whenever ya need, ok?" You nodded. "Wanna watch a movie?" You smiled at him, nodding once more, as he turned the TV to one of the bajillion streaming services the family all pay for, because they share, and arguing with you about the best movie to watch.
Leviathan:
Leviathan was out in public with you, having gone to an anime themed event at a cafe in the Devildom. He was so excited, that you just couldn't resist when he asked if you wanted to go with. It was nice to hear him rant and ramble about all the things that he was passionate about.
"There's a cat in the anime that waitress is from! And he's super cool!" Levi started. "He can fly, and talk, and use magic. He's also very stubborn, like a donkey. But he's a favorite in the fandom because of how cute he is."
"I know someone like that." You mumbled without thinking, your mind wandering to your feline friend.
"You do?!" He asked excitedly.
"Yeah." You smiled. "His name was Grim, and he used to live with me, back in the time before."
"Really? Tell me more!"
"He wasn't super smart, or very hard working. He used to call me Henchman, and demand cans of tuna. But when it came down to it, Grim was the one I could rely on the most. But, that might also be because we literally couldn't leave each other." You told him.
"You couldn't?"
"No. I don't have magic, and he did. I'm human, he was a cat. The headmaster of my last school decided to be 'oh so gracious'," you quoted, making air quotes around his catchphrase, "and make the two of us one singular student, allowing us to attend his magic school."
"That seems... dumb. To say the least."
"It was." You deadpanned, before the both of you laughed. "He was a bad headmaster. Towards the end of my stay there, I was practically headmaster, just because of how much work he pushed onto me because he could. But while I was at that school I made friends. And I had Grim. Even if the situation I was in was less than ideal." You smiled as the waitress delivered the food you ordered, with a bundle of silverware.
"Ah. I bet you'd prefer them to an otaku like me."
"Not true!" You defended, pointing your fork at Leviathan. "I like you plenty fine, Levi. You actually remind me a lot of my friend Idia. But," you laughed awkwardly, "at least you leave the house sometimes, and aren't afraid of confrontation. Or, at least, you're not afraid to confront some people. Like your brothers." You set your fork down, stopping your silent threat at Levi, that wasn't actually very threatening to him.
"He was an otaku too?"
"Yes indeed, and a master gamer to boot."
"Better than me?"
"It's hard to say." You shrugged. "The games you guys play are similar, but different. It's not a fair comparison." He seemed placated by this answer. "Your brothers remind me of a lot of my friends from there." You said vaguely.
"Do you miss them?"
"Yeah. They're my friends, of course I miss them. And it's not like I know if and when I'll be able to see them again." You explained gently. "I don't miss the work though. Diavolo was nice and assigned me a tutor and easier assignments until I get the hang of the normal work here. And no one makes me do any extra work, or threatens my food or housing. Well, Lucifer threatens punishments sometimes, but he would never threaten my food or housing, and I won't get punished as long as I do my best and behave." You rambled, smiling at how nice it was here, compared to it was in Twisted Wonderland. "Plus, I have all of you, and Diavolo, and Barbatos, and the other exchange students. I miss my friends from there, and I really wish that I had Grim here with me. But I am happy here." You beamed.
"Maybe if we ask Lucifer, he may know how to get your cat." Leviathan suggested, smiling lightly.
"I would love that. He acts like Mammon, but he feels like an emotional support cat. And, I bet Satan would seriously love having him here too."
"You know, we're all here. If you want to talk."
"I know." You glanced around. "What anime is that cosplay from?" You asked, gesturing at another waitress, changing the subject.
He glanced, and started beaming, immediately launching into a rant about the anime it's from, and the character themself. It was nice that he didn't question the change in subject. You'd tell Levi and the others all about what happened to you, and about what Twisted Wonderland was like. Eventually. Maybe.
Asmodeus:
Saying Asmo was flirty, was an understatement. Possibly the understatement of the century. And while he flirted and charmed nearly every being in existence, he did understand consent, and took every no at face value, stopping when asked. Of course, it's a rejection, so at the beginning you had to explain that no, you're not rejecting him as a person, you like him plenty fine as a person, you just don't always want to be flirted with.
He still did it, but when you asked him to stop he'd make a show of whining about it, but stopping nonetheless. It was annoying, but he did take your 'no' seriously, so in the end it was kind of worth it. Asmo was good for conversation, and he knew all the gossip, so he was nice to hang out with.
You had mentioned a handful of times that he reminded you of someone where you were from where you used to live. But all he ever said in response was that there was no one like him. Which is true, as no one else could truly embody Lust like Asmodeus does.
He was doing a skincare night with you, when you brought it up again.
"You know a lot about skincare already, it's quite impressive." He complimented.
"Yeah, had a friend who took it very seriously." You agreed.
"Is this the same friend that I remind you of?"
"Tis." You smiled, gently rubbing the moisturizer onto his face. "He was an interesting man."
"Interesting man? Interesting how?"
"He was insanely hard working, yet it seemed no one saw that." You started, taking a deep breath. "He was an actor, and social media influencer. And he was talented. Extremely talented. He worked hard to get where he was, but he had the means to get there."
"Anything else I should know about this person?"
"Well, he was good at potions. And like, just as good if not better than Satan and Solomon, good. He had the harshest study routine, but it was worth it. Never failed a potions class if he was tutoring me. He didn't have much time to do so, but I was always grateful when he did." You thought back on the memories fondly, smiling, as you stopped rubbing the moisturizer into his skin, and moving onto the next step. "His methods were.... intense, to say the least." Your smile became strained, remembering the VDC. "But, they got the results he wanted, so I guess he didn't see much issue with it."
"Intense in what way?" Asmo asked, noting your tenseness.
"I was appointed manager for a dance team, an interschool competition thing, you know how competitive people can get." You shook your head lightly. "They all came to live in my dorm because it was mostly empty. But, despite me being manager, he decided I needed to follow the same diet as everyone else. My friends said it was a 'we're all in this together' thing, but I thought he was just being unreasonable. I mean, come on, hexing my food? That's just wasteful. And he didn't even pay me back. I didn't get much money for food in general, because I was the magicless student, and there he went, just wasting what I had." You laughed mirthfully, remembering your anger at the situation, and your frustration.
"Well, in his defense, if he was just looking out for you."
"I would have no problems if that were the case, Azzy." You slightly chastised, but it was playful, and held no real bite. "I took your diet in stride, didn't I?" He nodded in acknowledgement. "I would've been fine with it, if that were the case. But he never paid me back for the food that he hexed, or replaced it. I didn't have much, so no one being able to eat those foods, it was wasteful. I mean, it's not like I got much money, if any, from the school for dorm food, like every other dorm."
"Why wouldn't you?"
"I was the magicless student. The errand person. The pushover. The unpaid therapist or headmaster. Depends on the day." You sighed. "The headmaster didn't want to have to rewrite the budget to factor in an extra dorm, when it only had two students in it, that really only amounted to one student."
"Wait, I thought you've mentioned before that you had a roommate."
"I lived with a fire-breathing, flying, talking cat named Grim, who could use magic, and several ghosts. I say technically one student, because the ghosts were faculty members, technically, but Grim had magic, and I didn't, but I was human and Grim was a cat. So, when I popped out of the woodwork, with no magic, no identification, no way to go home, and no clue about how this world worked, the headmaster was 'oh so gracious'," you mocked, "and put us both in a run down dorm, enrolled as a single student."
"Run down?"
"I mean Run Down. It was called Ramshackle, by other students, and it certainly lived up to it's name. The heater didn't work, I had to curl up with Grimm under every blanket I could find in that house. It was caked in mold and mildew, and dust, until Crowley cleaned it for the VDC. I injured myself more than once." You pointed to a scar on your forearm, where you'd hurt yourself in an attempt to fix up your dorm. "I am, honestly, very grateful, for the opportunity to stay here, in much better conditions. I do miss my friends, and I miss Grim." You admitted.
"Is that why you named that stuffed animal Grim? I thought you were just taking after Mammon in your greed."
"I miss Grim." You stated simply. "He was always with me. We were inseparable. We fought, we bickered, but at the end of the day, I knew if there was one thing, one being, I could rely on consistently, it was Grim. He was my ride-or-die. I named my stuffed animal after him, because I have a hard time sleeping without him. Even just, relaxing, can be hard. I miss him, and I don't know if he's ok. I genuinely, worry about him. And I miss him so much, that it's hard to fully put into words."
"I'm sorry." He offered, and you just smiled at him.
There was not much more Asmodeus could say. He couldn't provide you the comfort that you craved, as he was not your cat, nor could he get you your cat. So, he extended his sympathies, and access to his bed whenever you would like. For cuddles, or for more, he was always down for whatever.
He only hoped that his efforts to be there, and open for you, helped to heal you a little bit in the long run.
Satan:
Satan was nice to be around. He was curious, and he liked to know things and ask questions, so he did tend to pry into your past. But he was always good for book recommendations, and was always happy to discuss any book you wanted.
You found comfort in his fondness for cats, finding a kindred spirit in that regard. You didn't tell him about Grim, not wanting to get his hopes up about maybe meeting your beloved companion. He did notice your love of cats though, and had gotten you a giant cat plushie, as a gift.
You had named it Grim, and it lived on your bed. It was much quieter, and honestly, a bit boring compared to the real thing, but it was good for cuddling in the night when you couldn't sleep because you missed your furry friend. You were grateful that Satan had brought you just a bit of comfort in those moments, even if he didn't know it.
"I had a cat." You started one day when he started reading off cat facts enthusiastically after you had expressed the slightest bit of interest. "He was a rather interesting thing."
"Really? What was he like?" Satan liked to hear you talk about your past in general, but he was especially excited to hear about your cat.
"His name was Grim. And he was big, like 2 feet tall. He had a very distinct look about him. Grey fur, with a white chest," Satan nodded, listening intently, "bright, big, blue eyes. So round they almost looked scary sometimes. His ears, they had blue fire coming out of them, and his tail was shaped like a pitchfork. And he could use magic! He could breathe fire, and fly, effortlessly. He could talk too. Used to talk my ear off." You smiled fondly, happy to be able to talk about your favorite creature. "He'd call me Henchman, or Hench Human. He was a trouble maker. Mammon reminds me of him that way."
"Oh." Satan almost groaned.
"But much like Mammon, at the end of the day, push comes to shove, you can rely on him. That was one of the few things I knew for certain back then. Grim was the only one I could fully rely on. I had other friends, but Grim and I, we were inseparable. He was my best friend. He used to sleep in my bed with me, every night. I'm so used to it, it's honestly.... kind of hard to sleep without him." You admitted, laughing tiredly. "I miss Grim."
"Were you allowed pets, or familiars, at your last school?"
"No. No, I don't think we were." You answered after a moment of thought. "But Grim was a special case. He and I crashed the entrance ceremony. I wasn't supposed to be there, and got yoinked out of another world, but he was just straight up trespassing because he wanted so badly to go to that school, and become a great mage." You laughed at the memory. "He committed arson, I helped calm him down, and the rest is history. We weren't students, originally. We were janitors. The Headmaster only let us stay because I didn't have anywhere else to go, and I proved that Grim could be helpful."
"I thought you said you were a student?"
"I was. Half. I was half of a student." You smiled, taking a tired, yet fond, sigh. "I didn't have magic. But Grim did. So, Crowley determined that we would each be half of a student. He got us both into so much trouble, but he always helped me get out of it. I could always rely on Grim. Except in schoolwork," you admitted, laughing a little, "I was alone in that portion."
A million questions ran through his head, and you could tell the gears were turning. It was almost amusing, seeing him trying to decide on what topic to pick. Should he keep going about your cat? Pry about your headmaster? Ask about your clearly troubled past at this school?
He was quiet, but it wasn't tense, or awkward, just comfortable silence, as you patiently awaited his next question. You knew Satan would choose his words carefully, so as to not make you uncomfortable, so you had no fears. You really didn't want him to ask about Grim's homework habits though. Satan prioritized intelligence, and knowledge. You wanted him to have a good impression of Grim, since you thought the two would get along, despite Grim being similar to his older brother, Mammon.
It took him a few moments, you, peacefully sipping your favorite hot drink, as you waited patiently, reading your book, before he finally picked a topic.
"Was your headmaster, truly that bad?" He asked softly.
"His favorite trick to get me to do what he wanted, when I didn't want to, was to threaten me. My food budget, my housing budget, or even my security at the school. I had others I could rely on, should this happen. The other Housewardens tended to take pity on me when I would show up, practically begging for food, because Crowley wouldn't allow me to have any. They were good people. But I always made sure Grim had stuff to eat. I never let him suffer. He actually learned to share through this. But, a diet of tuna sandwiches, just isn't that good for your health. It was better than nothing though." You shrugged, not looking up from your book. You looked up, to see him looking at you, sadness painting his eyes. "I'm doing better now, Satan." You smiled.
"I don't want to pry, but I do have more questions." You took a deep breath.
"Can I answer them later?" You asked, to which he nodded.
"Take your time."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course."
"Can you look through your books, to see if there's a spell, or an incantation, or a potion, or a ritual, that will help me get Grim? I'm worried about him, and, as you can see," you gestured to your eyebags, which Asmo had tried to hide using makeup, but it was late, so they were started to peek through, "being without him takes a toll. He's like my emotional support cat, you know? My sassy, lazy, loud, annoying, emotional support cat, that I love. And I miss."
"I'll see what I can do." He nodded. "No promises, but I'll look into it."
"That's all I ask." You smiled tiredly.
Beelzebub:
Beelzebub had eaten the majority of the fridge again, and it was your turn to make dinner. You sighed, as he looked at you guiltily. It was getting too close to when you absolutely needed to start cooking so you could serve dinner on time, so you couldn't go shopping for more. You just shook your head, and got to work taking everything out of the fridge and pantry, just to see what was left.
"I'm sorry." Beel offered. "I'll help you cook."
"I've done more with less." You said, not registering his offer, and looking over the ingredients that were left, as you had caught him before he could eat everything. "I just need some time."
"I didn't leave you much. I could go to the store, and get some more." He offered.
"Beel," You looked at him, smiling in amusement. "How much of what you get me would you eat on the way home?" He looked down guiltily once more. "I'm not mad," you assured, "really, I'm not. And I appreciate your offer of help. But I've got this." You smiled once more, before turning back to the ingredients, and picking up a few.
With what little you had, you'd started to make a large delicious meal. Beelzebub watched, in what could only be described as awe, as you stretched what you had into enough to feed the brothers, and something that tasted good. He still felt guilty about eating the majority of what you could've used to make dinner, but he was grateful you weren't mad, and he was curious as to how you knew how to make so little go so far.
After you served the brothers, you kept a little for yourself, and Beelzebub noticed. He noticed that you didn't take much, and when he tried to comment on it, you just winked at him, smiling. After dinner, he was designated for clean up, and you went into the kitchen to keep him company, as he had while you were cooking.
"How did you do that? There wasn't much left, but that was a good meal."
"My last school.... I didn't have much." You started vaguely. "My food budget was small, and often taken away, so I would take what little I was able to beg or barter for from the shop keeper, or the other Housewardens, or my friends, and I'd make it stretch. It helped that they often had some leftovers, especially Scarabia, with their feasts every week. And Jamil was a fabulous cook." You complimented, your mouth watering at the thought of his delicious and carefully prepared food. "But I digress. What I'd do is, I'd prepare meals in advance, as many as I could. I had to. Starvation sounded rather unpleasant, to me."
"It was that bad?"
"Not if I planned correctly." You smiled.
Beelzebub related to the feeling of hunger, and starvation. He was often brushed aside as always hungry because he's the Avatar of Gluttony. But the pain was always there, and it was hard to describe the pain aside from, hungry. You were always patient with him, even if he got grumpy because of his hunger, and now he was starting to see why.
If you understood the feeling of being hungry all the time, and starving to a painful point, it makes sense that you'd not get mad at him. It makes sense to him, that you'd be patient with him. He had always appreciated your patience and kindness, but he had never questioned it. Now he was starting to think he should've.
"Was it just you?"
"No. I had a cat with me. His name was Grim, and he was a lot like Mammon." You described cheerfully. "He mostly ate cans of tuna, which I could get for cheap at the school shop, they weren't super popular, and students tended to leave them at the shop after realizing they were the cheapest option of food I had." You laughed awkwardly. "It was a school of ruffians, and bullies, and people who hated me. But they had the decency to not want me to starve to death."
"You were hated?"
"By some. I wasn't popular, but I had my fair share of friends, don't worry." You assured. "I had the first years friend group, and the Housewardens, and the vice-housewardens and honorary vicehousewardens. Even a lot of the teachers liked me. And even if they didn't, I still had Grim. He was my best friend."
"Was?"
"He's still there, so he still is. We're just not together right now. It's like... it's like a part of me is missing, because he's my best friend." You tried. "And he's still there, but I can't see him, and I can't talk to him. I miss him, a lot. I think you'd like him." You smiled. "He used to sleep on my bed, every night. And he'd complain, and whine, and get both of us into trouble, but he was loyal to a fault, and he was always there when I needed him."
"Was your old headmaster that bad?"
"Oh yeah." You nodded enthusiastically. "He went on vacation so often, and it was more like I was the headmaster towards the end of my time there. What with the amount of paperwork and such I was handling in his stead. On top of schoolwork! And he put me in an old decrepit house, with a fire breathing cat. Granted, I asked for the cat to remain with me, but still. I'm sure he could've found somewhere else to put me."
"That sounds awful."
"It could be. But hey, think of it this way, now I'm prepared if you do this again." You teased. He nodded. "Don't feel too bad, Beel. You didn't even know I existed, you couldn't have done anything."
"I wish you would've told us."
"It's not easy to talk about." You admitted. "It's not like... I had the best experience with a lot of people there. I mean, Overblots, burnout, hunger, on top of basically being an unpaid therapist, an unpaid headmaster, and a full-time student? I was busy, and not every experience is a pleasant one. But it's a part of my life, and I wouldn't change it for anything. Because it was my experience." You explained. He nodded in understanding. "I think you'd like the people I met before. So many good cooks. And Lilia, who is on par with Solomon." You shuddered. "But there was also so many athletics clubs. I bet you'd really like Spelldrive." You smiled.
"Spelldrive?"
"Yeah!"
As you launched into an in-depth explanation of the sport, at least as you understood it, he simply watched. He was glad you'd opened up to him, and to hear that you weren't always alone. He would probably ask Satan if he could find anything about getting your cat for you. But for now, he was just happy to see you being comfortable enough to talk about your past.
Belphegor:
Belphegor liked to visit your dreams whenever you'd let him. They were always so interesting. They almost matched you, in that regard. As you were so strange in his eyes. He was very lucky, able to explore your good dreams. Dreams that told of friends, and adventure. Light hardship, sure, but mostly wonder. And happiness. Along with a cat that seemed to pop up in every dream. He didn't know that he only saw this because he didn't always tune into your dreams. Not every dream is a happy one.
It was one day, when you happened to be taking a nap in his general vicinity, that he drifted off, and entered your dream. He prepared himself for the bright light of the outside of Night Raven College, and for the happy smiling faces, or the sound of laughter, as he usually saw when he joined your in your dreams. What he wasn't expecting, was the fire. The screaming, the fear. He was prepared to watch on happily as you got to see your friends, the people you consider family, in your dreams, but instead, he only saw your terror.
He couldn't look away as you looked on in terror as eight towering figures, covering in black ink, with massive ink monsters behind them cornered you. He recognized some of these faces, they were those of your friends. They were friends, friends who would drive you to work harder, and do better, but would always be there to help in any way they could, if they could, when you asked.
But there was one face he was shocked to see, moreso than the friends. It was your cat. Your cat that had been changed into a hulking, massive beast, and it looked more wild than he had ever seen. It wasn't talking anymore, none of those smart ass comments he'd overhear, it was growling at you, roaring at you. It had never done that before.
Belphegor, unable to stand by as you feared for your life, even in a dream, quickly made his way to in front of you, his back to you.
"You need to wake up."
You heard him, but his voice was muddled in your panic, it sounded like he was under water. You looked at him in confusion.
"What?"
"Wake! UP!" He commanded.
You shot up, gasping for air, as you woke up. Belphegor followed not long after, making his way over, and sitting beside you, as you began to calm down from such a panic-inducing dream. He sat beside you until your breathing was under control, and you weren't shaking as much anymore.
You leaned onto him, your head resting on his shoulder, and feeling embarrassed. It wasn't often that you had these nightmares, but they were always intense and unpleasant when you did. You didn't think he knew, he'd never visited those dreams. It's not as though you were actively hiding it, you'd told him that you'd had nightmares before, but you were ashamed that he had seen them firsthand.
You both just sat in silence for several moments, before he spoke first.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, softly.
"They don't know about the nightmares. I mean, my closer friends do, but those who the nightmares are about, don't. They don't need that."
"Why are they in your nightmares? And why did they look like that?"
"They lost control of their emotions, and their magic overwhelmed them. They weren't in control, when they looked like that. That was their anger, and sadness, their pain, that was in control of them, with their magic creating the ink monsters behind them." You explained, quietly. "I don't blame them, no one can be expected to hold it together for so long, but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant."
"And your cat?"
"I don't know why I have nightmares about him like that." You admitted. "I think it's because I miss him, and I'm scared of what will happen to him without me there."
"How long have you had these nightmares?"
"They started after the first Overblot, that's what they're called," you explained simply, "but they only got worse as more Overblots happened."
"Was there no one you could go to?" You shook your head.
"I couldn't go to Crowley, he was useless," you laughed humorlessly, "the teachers were nice, but they couldn't do anything. I told my friends, and they tried their best, but nothing ever really helped. Grim used to sleep on my bed with me, and that would chase the nightmares away pretty well, but," you trailed off.
"You don't have him with you now, so the nightmares are back with a vengeance?" You nodded, smiling a little at his wording. He wrapped an arm around you. "Do you miss him?"
"I do."
He knew you did, he knew that was a redundant question. But he wanted to hear it from you, as a sort of confirmation. He felt bad that you missed your cat, and he wished he could do something about it, but he knew he couldn't. So you two just sat in silence, comforted by the warmth of the room, and the calm atmosphere around the two of you.
He had always wondered why, or even how, you'd taken his actions in stride. How you'd forgiven him so easily. He knew now, that it was just in your nature after having gone through so much at your last school. He decided in that moment that he'd make an effort to be the person to hold a grudge on your behalf, to let people know that you may have forgiven them, but he certainly hasn't, and he hasn't forgotten what they've done to you. He didn't voice this, but he knew that you knew how he felt.
But for now, you two just sat there, comfortable, and warm. He wanted to apologize, and say he'd do everything in his power to get you your cat, but he didn't want to say that without a guarantee that he could do it. So there you sat, close, and comfortable.
"I'll chase your nightmares away." He offered, just barely a whisper, yet because of your proximity, you heard it.
"Thanks Belphie." You smiled tiredly, happy to hear that he would protect your dreams.
You drifted off not long after, Belphie following close behind. But he kept his word, and your nightmares didn't plague you after that, whenever Belphie could help it.
#twisted wonderland x reader#twst x mc#twst x reader#obey me x mc#my fic#fanfic#imagines#obey me#obey me x reader#obey me lucifer x reader#obey me lucifer x mc#lucifer x reader#lucifer x mc#obey me lucifer#obey me mammon#obey me mammon x reader#obey me mammon x mc#mammon x mc#mammon x reader#obey me leviathan#obey me leviathan x reader#obey me leviathan x mc#leviathan x reader#leviathan x mc#obey me asmodeus#obey me asmodeus x reader#obey me asmodeus x mc#asmodeus x reader#asmodeus x mc#obey me satan
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Breaking news: local fan-artist draws a member of the Trinity that isn't Batman
#wonder woman#diana prince#dc#my art#causeimanartist#what's this? another drawing?#and I didn't have a mental breakdown while doing it?#WOO#if the caption wasn't clear somehow#it's me im the artist#i'm calling myself out here
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dr ratio is the kind of fucking prof to take away your co-op/internship opportunities just because he doesn't like you (or likes you).
#gives you an EXTRA HARD TEST just for no reason.#his defintion of special treatment.#Watches your test anxiety go from 1 to 100.#And while you're cursing aeons for whatever the fuck you did to deserve this#he just sits back and watches you have a mental breakdown.#Lucky you when you get called after he's looking for someone for research#you're much more suited to stay in uni for another few years rather than whatever field of work you wanted to go to. The companies#won't want you knowing how embarrasingly bad you are at this. you'll be fired on the spot. Might as well do your master's while you're at i#you won't look as terrible then.#as if he didn't give you a extra bad test just to taunt you.#hsr#yandere dr ratio
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vent incoming:
got my grades back for my courses last semester and most of it was to be expected, mostly A's, maybe an A-, etc. but i honestly can't get over the fact that my independent study (the buddy cole documentary) was for some reason given a B. like sure getting a B isn't bad per se, I usually get at least one B every semester and i honestly don't really care about what my exact gpa is as long as i can graduate, but come on. this school put me through months of psychological torment over this project and didn't even have the nerve to give me a B+??? i'm still coping with the self-doubt they forced on me and this bullshit is not helping!!
#honestly it's kind of hilarious ngl. especially bc i also got my documentary work counted as an independent study the previous semester#and the previous semester even tho i barely worked on the doc itself#(mostly just planning and putting together the crowdfunding which was still a lot of work but like compare it to the past few months)#they were willing to give me an A (my school doesn't do A+ so this is the highest mark possible)#vs this semester. like i'll admit my final assignment was late and could have been more polished#but i was literally on tour in documentary-mode 24/7 for several weeks. i filmed an entire comedy special! i put together a live interview!#not to mention having to fucking negotiate with my own college censoring the footage they'd promised me of an event i put together#and play nice with a professor who literally outed me on twitter in an attempt to cancel one of my best friends#at this point the ''B'' feels more like a petty grudge than anything else#like ok we can't get away with *actually* fucking over jessamine's grades bc clearly ze did do the work. but let's just give zir a B#like i will admit the audio quality in my final isn't great. and i could have used more polished footage in some sections#but counterpoint: 100+ students were arrested at a protest while i was editing and i was having a mental breakdown#the fact that i finished *anything* is goddamn impressive especially after they essentially conditioned me to hate myself any time i was#working on a project i loved!!!#due to the aforementioned student arrests my college did put out an option where we could change any letter grade this semester to pass/fai#so anything passing wouldn't impact our gpa if we didn't want it to. so i could just change the B to a ''pass''#but really what's the point. ''B'' is still a good grade and my GPA is fine (3.65 on a 4.0 grading scale. 2.0 is required to graduate)#it just sucks that after what i went through last semester i feel like nobody takes it seriously#i was reminiscing earlier about how it's honestly kind of funny how after that professor outed me on twitter#i was at the hotel with scott like an hour later sobbing and having an existential crisis about my relationship to gender#and scott was so supportive but also awkwardly being like#''i know i should offer the crying child a tissue but where the fuck are the tissues in this room what do i do''#and he just handed me a full-on towel instead like oh my god he was trying his best but also so clearly out of his depth#but of course i then had to remember how when i told that story to a different professor to be like ''this is how much scott cares about me#this guy called me fucking UNPROFESSIONAL for crying in front of the subject of my documentary?????????#like yeah maybe so but how DARE you call me unprofessional when a different professor tweeted my full name and gender without my consent#in an attempt to fucking cancel one of my friends for ''misgendering'' me for using pronouns i'm fine with him using!!!#i don't think i'm ever going to be able to forgive my college and i don't know how i'll be able to get through one more semester#that experience genuinely changed things about my psychology that i'm not proud of and i need to work through#so if i have to miss a goddamn kids in the hall event because i have class this november i am going to set something on fire
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First off, I agree with everything with what OP said here. I want to also add onto this that it makes no sense for AU!Jinx/Powder not to have her mental illness/psychosis, not only bc of the fact she had it since she was a child....but also bc in that universe.....Vi is dead...like SHE IS GONE. If anything the trauma and psychosis would still be there, if not worsen overtime.
Like at first when I started it, I didn't think much thinking that in this universe she had professionall help in coping with it healthily.....but then the Vi reveal and the fact we didnt see her having some hallucinations or voices is what ruined this......her ONLY last remaining family to her parents and who was very close to her clearly...is DEAD. Jinx loved her sister so much and had a mental breakdown as a kid when she LEFT her to go and find Vander. The only person who was there that BELIEVED in her, STUCK up for her, and practically raised her along Vander. You're telling me, Jinx wouldn't have any slightest of a breakdown or crisis over that??? At all??? Even when considering her mental state???
Adding to this for Viktor (bc I love him and I 100% agree that his character was fumbled)
Viktor NEVER hated himself in s1 let's get that straight. In S1, he makes a very big POINT to show that he has always carried himself and that in whatever he does, he is proud of it because he believed in himself enough to accept who he is and DOESN'T care about what others think of him
"When you're going to change the world don't ask for permission."
"I didn't have the benefits of a patron or a name, I simply....BELIEVED in MYSELF."
You could argue that while yes he is self-assured and confident, he still has some insecurities of how people close to him perceive him....and that could be true, but it's not really ever alluded. He DOES care about making connections but hes isolated himself bc of these judgements that its almost second nature if not a rarity. But he does value companionship, its just not something he is accustomed to a degree, and he sometimes without consideration distances himself from it if it gets in the way of his aspirations (Ex: Sky/Jayce, Heimerdinger/Singed.) In the latter acts of S1 he was DYING he wasn't hating himself because of his "terminal illness" that was killing him or his disability....He was in a vulnerable and solemn state because he felt like his accomplishments meant or achieved NOTHING. This is a character that is selfless, altruistic and a workaholic who worked his way up with dreams of something better and now after so many years in developing Hextech he's seeing that what he strived to achieve for the improvement of his home that's also DYING because of Piltover's ignorance and oppression, is unable to do NOTHING about it now.
He is angry that he has no CONTROL over his fate and the assuredness of his Legacy = helping those in need for the Undercity because of Jayce and Piltover's lack of understanding, especially after they had complied building the Hexgates for their trade disputes first.....over the disputes of lives. Viktor has contemplated death because he knows time is fleeting and he wants to make it count for something good, he doesnt want to be remembered as PERFECT, he wants to be remembered in the contributions that the people of Zaun will FINALLY heal/be helped after so long and not have to live short lives bc of unsafe work environments, manual labour, illnesses cause by toxic chemicals and etc.
He even brushes the idea of when he'll die off, and you could even add that he is ticked off by the fact that hes now being perceived as a "dead man" before he even died (Ex. Heimerdinger convo and Jayce in the hospital, etc). He doesn't like being seen as powerless or as his terminal illness now because he ISN'T and never was. Furthermore, he doesnt use the Hexcore to "PERFECT" himself, he's using it to heal himself of his terminal illness/expand his lifespan so that he can continue his research in helping Zaun.
If he is going to use Hexcore, he needs to make sure that it will work. So, to tests its capabilities, he tests it on HIMSELF. Only to find out that the same thing he created to HEAL ended up killing someone that meant a lot to him. He wasted NO TIME telling Jayce to destroy it bc it harmed someone and he finally realizes that ensuring a legacy = saving people....ended up at the cost of harming people in return.
P.s. sorry this was long. Hope you enjoyed reading it if u did !
I don't have perfect thoughts on it, but I do want to note that I'm not loving how Arcane handles disability.
Viktor hating his disability so deeply, feeling that it needs to be "fixed" so thoroughly, that he succumbs to ~ultimate eugenics for everyone ~ ?????? fucked up
Jinx's psychosis being a manifestation of her being "unhinged" and encouraging her to act out either to challenge or appease them, and then her psychosis magically disappearing in the "perfect" universe????? also fucked up
Vi's alcoholism and (albeit mild) psychotic symptoms never being brought up....ever???? just created as fodder to make her a more angsty and submissive lapdog to facism????? also also fucked up
Let me have my mad/cripple characters who have their shit recognized as parts of their humanity rather than trauma porn plot or things that need to be corrected or traits indicative of rash violence please
#viktor appreciation#arcane viktor#arcane s2#arcane critical#i hope i mads viktor proud with this post u deserve to be seen#arcane s2 jinx#arcane disabilities#that Jayce speech WAS WILD#Bold of u to assume I chose Godhood bc i wanted to be perfect and not to live gloriously as i should. *serves cunt*
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we're gonna put our rats up for adoption at the animal rescue. things are. bad. we can't keep their cage clean. grayson gets exhausted taking them out to play and i rarely join bc i just feel empty or disgusted or i start sobbing or wind up in pain or exhausted myself. so they don't get the amount of human interaction they deserve/need.
i feel awful about it. i feel sick. i don't know the last time i've felt like such an abject failure. not just as a person responsible for small lives but as a partner. grayson gets such joy from these boys, and they are so sweet to us too. i just. i can't even take care of myself. it isn't fair. it's not fair.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#the wild brunch#matty's mental health#i'm genuinely not okay. about any of this. about anything happening.#but the rats specifically are a real no-win scenario.#either 1) we pull the bandaid off & give them to the rescue. a clean (ish) break#we know they'll be fostered & adopted by ppl who will not just love them but will actually be able to take care of them#and they'll live out the rest of their lives with other rats who they'll get to know now while they're still middle-aged. & other people.#or 2) we keep them but continue the current plan to have them be our last batch of rats. they live in a habitat that we can't keep clean.#we're both wracked with guilt about this all the time. we keep exhausting ourselves doing what we can to keep things out of crisis mode#grayson gets to keep playing with them. i get to keep being miserable and More guilty every time i *don't* play with them#or just plain miserable every time i do#eventually they get older and their health goes downhill. one of them dies. i have a mental breakdown just like every other time#we rehome the other two. it's harder bc they're older and sicker and they miss their brother.#but they live out the (much less) rest of their lives with other rats. & other people.#in both scenarios we stop having rats. grayson is devastated either soon or later bc no more pets#while i'm wracked with guilt bc i feel very very very responsible for us not having rats anymore. and also devastated#bc i am. well. goodbyes are very bad for me.#which is why i feel responsible lmao bc last year i had like 4 straight months of ceaseless sobbing from all the back to back pet deaths#and i was like Listen. grayson. i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i can't keep having short-lived pets like this bc each death#feels like i'm being stabbed in the lungs over and over.#i guess technically option 3 is we keep having rats. we get another batch & introduce them. no rat off-ramp.#i just. keep getting stabbed in the lungs as they die. and we keep not being able to take care of them properly.#hey i didn't say it was a *good* option. but it is an option#pet death cw#idk how to tag the lungs metaphor.#injury cw#?
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The Me who bought tickets to see TMBG in february 2023 and the Me who's going to actually go to the show next month are two completely different people
#slash extremely negative#it's funny to actually live this whole sort of cliche of: the time between buying tickets and going to the show can be so absurdly long#with what was supposed to be my 1st 'real' concert no less#'i bought the tickets as a teenager but i'm going to see them in my 20s etc' and stuff like that#and then when it gets rescheduled too... well. a year and 9 months is in fact a pretty long time!!!#and i'm not even talking about rescheduling due to covid because god at least i didn't have to deal with that i guess#(it IS funny though that by the time the 30th anniversary of flood tour ends#flood will be 2 months away from turning 35. so yeah lmao a lot happened in the meantime huh)#anyways day two of going crazy going insane for no reason other than well i guess that's just my life now!!!!! 😃😃😃#me when i say i'll stop documenting my rapidly progressing mental breakdown online and then keep doing it anyway#but idk maybe this will heal me in some way. my only hope rn no joke#and my mom actually seemed to be unsure if i we should book the hotels and stuff because. ig i'm this obviously unwell even over the phone#but BY GOD this is the only thing i can really look forward to right now i really need this to survive#(trying to forget how i was doing in september of last year when they rescheduled the tour#and i couldn't even be sure if i'd ever get to see them in the end lollllll#and at the heights of my tmbg obsession this was my number 1 dream. i mean it still is)#also i think i'm finally entering my tmbg autumn era now with some more frequent listening after not doing so for a while#how could i let myself pretty much forget that i love tmbg??? and that their music is so good and makes me happy???#they're still my fav band of all time just like they were back then. THAT didn't change at least#it's just that now they share that spot with sparks also lol. can't choose between them and why should i anyway#what else. ig i just hope i get the energy to finally draw tomorrow at least#because if i don't turn the ideas i have into reality then they will never become real! and that would be so sad#so maybe this can be my main reason to continue for now. whatever#goosepost
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i am. so fucking hurt right now.
#. he literally pretended to be my friend for nine months just to turn around and block me on everything. vent to my boyfriend about#how shitty I am. all the while I didn't even do fucking anything to him.#tell me I'm “downplaying” the situation of what I did. and at the same time#show a mutual friend of ours “what I did” behind my back. just to for that friend to agree that. I WASNT BEING RUDE#turns out hes been talking shit on me behind my back to my boyfriend this whole time. while acting like we're friends.#I confront him about something. he proceeds to flip out. curse at me. call me an asshole after I tell him something he did to hurt me.#and then he BLOCKS ME ON EVERYTHING#AND AFTERWARDS. TELLS MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND THAT IM HARD TO TALK TO. BECAUSE I EITHER GET HOSTILE OR SHUT DOWN.#WHEN IT WAS HIM DOING BOTH THOSE THINGS. AND ME TRYING TO HAVE A CONSTRUCTIVE CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW HE HURT MY FEELINGS A WEEK PRIOR#AND IT MADE ME HAVE A TWO DAY MENTAL BREAKDOWN#AND ALL HE HAS TO SAY ABOUT *THAT* IS THAT I NEED TO WATCH WAY I SAY AND LEARN TO TAKE CRITICISM#I'm just so confused. I've been crying all day dude idk wtf I even did.#I couldnt even focus in class.#so uh. if you hear how shitty I am from marc. please let me know what exactly I even did to warrant this 😭#wtf man
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.
#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason#and that was half an hour ago and i still can't go back to sleep#and i've been feeling exhausted and on the edge about switching from this dual deal of education and job training#to a full time 8 to 5 deal#for the past 2 months#kept saying that i need a break soon or i'm gonna burn out but also kept pushing myself through daily sensory overload because#i kept telling myself that there are only a couple few weeks left of this and i can do it#and now there's exactly one week left of it all until i finally get a month off and i need to do my best to keep myself from tossing it all#out the window#because i'm worried about not being able to keep up with a full time job i now signed a three year contract for#considering this half time deal already took everything out of me#it's super frustrating because for a while there i really thought i'm on top of my shit but now i'm showing symptoms of an impending#mental breakdown and i have a month to get all of this under control somehow or i'm gonna blow my chance at a job i've been working my ass#off for the past six months to a) get it in the first place and b) earn important certificates for it#and a month is just not enough to get an appointment with a counselor who i can talk to about this#and once i'm working i'll hardly have any time left for appointments considering the insane amount of time i'll be spending commuting#to work every day because i didn't yet receive the bonus payment towards a car i was promised for my efforts here#genuinely wish i had someone i could rely on during times like these but i am basically providing for my entire environment and i just#gotta keep going somehow idk#rant#gonna try to get another half an hour of sleep in now i guess
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I do this cool hip thing where I KNOW a topic will upset me and yet I engage in it anyways! Hahahaha, isn't that so cool and quirky and not at all lowkey self harm since it does damage to my mental health???
#king posts#sigh...#I still can't even tell if the topic is ''trigger'' to me#or if it's just a thing that causes me to either black out in pure rage or have a mental breakdown#or both. it's usually both#or a third secret option: dissociation while I delve even deeper#or maybe all three! god who knows anymore#but like... do you know how long it took for me to call what I know are my triggers now my ''triggers''?#and now there's MAYBE a new one that I didn't even know about??#like logically I can see how it COULD be a trigger#since there's connections to my abuse and blah blah blah I've worked this all out mentally#but don't you think I would have known about it before?#granted I am very very slow so UYHJDVKC#either way#can you tell I hate misusing terms? can you tell? can you tell that I am refusing to call it a trigger because I fear I'm just overreacting#is it obvious? did you know because I even typed it out? it should be obvious#or maybe it's only obvious to me#this is just how my life is#who even knows what's ''normal'' or not anymore#I don't know what things are normal for me and what things are actually strange#what things I should get help for or what things everyone in the world goes through#ugh...#I've gone off#I'm just so tired of it all y'know?#I'm not alright lol
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me today 💤
#no i did not end up studying 🫣🤐🤥#the ibuprofen did help with the migraine but i still feel so drained like my energy tank is on 0 😞#and i'm tired of beating myself up for not constantly studying like why do i always have to neglect my health for school??#idk how other people do it bc i know others get way more done than me & have way more responsibilities but i just don't have that kind of..#energy i'm sorry it takes up all of my energy just to survive and exist in this world 😭#i feel like such an immature crybaby but once again that kafka quote comes to mind:#i could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life and reason#also my mom recently pointed out to me that i have been studying for 21 years of my life & i just went shocked pikachu face 😯#like that is absolutely INSANE i've been in school since i was 6 years old it's honestly a miracle i didn't kms yet#and all of this studying for what??? you'd think i'd amount to smth but i'm an utter failure 🙃#literally haven't achieved anything the only things i got in my name are mental & physical health problems </3#well this is getting depressing let me stfu#so instead of studying i ended up watching sailor moon & dragon ball while eating chocolate covered strawberries <3#i actually wanted to take a nap but i just couldn't fall asleep even though i feel so exhausted#i need to survive 3 more weeks of exams before the easter holidays... i'm on my knees but i'm crawling...#i just need to pass everything... no need to have perfect grades just make it through these next 3 weeks alive#i just know i'm gonna have a breakdown soon & cry my eyes out bc it's all getting too much again 😮💨#☁️
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#I keep seeing the 'commodification of friendship' post go by on my dash#and I keep having the same thought about it even tho I don't think I should add the commentary#to the post itself#but like#I draw issue with 'supposed to'#because while I agree sometimes sacrifices are made on behalf of our friends#(such as staying up late to talk so you scarifice your sleep or helping them move so you're sore the next day or whatever)#I also draw the line that if you sometimes /don't/ do those things that doesn't make you a bad friend#because sometimes you need to take care of yourself too#always putting your friends first for *every single thing* will warp your mind and send you into depression and burnout#ask me how I know#because I was there#I felt like I had to be there for them when I was never there for myself#and it sent me into such a catastrophic mental breakdown that I nearly had to be institutionalized#coupled with my already-existing depression and I hardly left bed for a year#anyway my point is yes help your friends but for the love of all things holy please also have boundaries#please love your friends and cherish them but also know when to step back and say 'I can't'#I didn't and it cost me a lot
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update to last night's post, im listening to some songs from literally like 2 years later from that time and not only do i have all of those bittersweet memories flooding back, but my muscle memory for singing the lyrics of these is still semi-intact. genuinely wanting to cry bc that makes me happy.
#for anyone who hasn't heard me yap about it enough#i used to be in a rock band program as a teenager#basically you'd get put in a group with a bunch of other kids your age and learn songs from a specific show theme#and you'd learn a set list of songs over the course of 4 months and at the end of it all you'd go play Live at a venue#it was very fun at first but it got really grating after a while#and eventually it got so bad for me that i had a mental breakdown one morning and never went again. mid show season. As the lead singer.#and i felt really bad about it for a very long time. still kind of do.#i'm not sure if it was just that I was so tired of it or if it was the drama#but i think i just also didn't feel like i belonged there. that i deserved to be there. The other kids didn't really like me.#and i don't think i really liked me either. the only thing i was confident with was my bass playing.#maybe if i never went to that place i'd have a better voice and a better life.#but hey. i got a bitchin' guitar out of it.
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Hmmmmmmmmmm fantasizing about ghosting my entire friendgroup #normal #runningawayiseasier
#smth happened that took me back to high school being the weird kid ppl didn't like and well. its affecting me a very surprising amount#again i think having friends is more trouble than its worth and i want to burn it all down#actually thinking about it now theres been a couple moments that take me back to being the weird kid no one likes and i guess it just hit me#so intensely embarrassing to be an adult and having the memory of telling your friend group in HS to wait for you while you put your stuff#away in your locker so you could all walk off campus at lunch and running to do that and when you come back you find they all left without u#and having that memory make you- an adult- have a mental breakdown#god. and back then i always made my friends laugh. and being funny wasn't enough. and as an adult i always want to make ppl laugh.#and again being funny isn't enough.#ok bruh i gotta stop Realizing shit#personable
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With 特攻薬 and Accept My Love, I can confirm that there is something in the water that is specifically affecting the green haired princesses with a disorder and purple eyes and is making them spiral (Momochi and Hiyori)
#and they both served while having a mental breakdown in their respective songs#and them brushing off the very concerning issues like I don't know a lot of Jp but I'm pretty sure Momochi sounded very suicidal with the#lyrics and Hiyori straight up only has 1 purpose in her life (loving and protecting her dear family) but they don't need her anymore#Anyway when the teaser dropped Momochi the bitch was going “I think I was able to show a new side to myself pls give it a listen ><” while#blessing Cheers on twt (while ignoring the time she ominously tweeted that the time for dreams is over)#and Hiyori was like “Life isn't always fun sometimes you want to cry so you should look at me and copy me because I'm always smiling” like#girl are we going to pretend you didn't admit that you desperately tried to keep yourself smiling no matter what and that you were cutting#up your heart as well (and her basically saying “my life has no purpose im gonna kms if you don't use me”)#the funny thing is that Hiyori is (one of) my faves and I want her out of enstars while I hate Momochi (affectionately) and do not like#rejet so he can stay in Dearvo
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Hätte ich die Wahl zwischen vergewaltigt werden, dafür aber alles ab Silvester nicht so abgelaufen wäre wie es ist. Oder nie wieder vergewaltigt werden, und die Realität wäre weiterhin die Realität, dann würde ich ohne zu zögern Option eins wählen.
preferred. If you wanted to spend new years eve with me you would have taken this 10 minutes drive .. I mean you were able to drive 9 times longer in the other direction. The other proof that "wish I would be with you on the tower like last year' wasn't the truth is, that you booked that flight. If what you wrote would have been the truth you should have been like 'I want to be with her. Now I am with my mates and over one hour drive away from her. I should at least spend the 1th of January with her. Celebrating our own new years eve like we did the year before.' Instead you booked a flight. YOU BOOKED A FUCKING FLIGHT. That alone broke my heart because I waited and waited and waited and hoped again and again and again. Instead of spending my father's money on trips/vacations/traveling/exploring I LITERALLY SPENT IT ON SHIT. Because people have to eat, while waiting for things that are never gonna happen. And then, out of nowhere YOU BOOK A FUCKING FLIGHT. And what really shattered my being, my trust in you, what ripped my heart out, what nearly cut our already damaged bond completely through was the LOCATION you went to. You lied by saying 'that's a coincidence it was the cheapest flight', and you really brought the fucking Robin thing GETTING MY HOPES UP THAT YOU ARE GONNA STAY, and then left nevertheless. You KNEW, you did it aswell. I would have given you those 500€ without hesitation, but I had no worth at all for you. And I begged, I tried to find a compromise, it didn't matter to you. I didn't matter. You decided what you wanna do like living a single life. Your behavior had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH A RELATIONSHIP. I can't understand how you were able to hurt me that bad. How the fucking hell could you do to me what you did?! And sadly it wasn't the first time I had that awful thought in mind. Sometimes you are the CRULEST person I ever met. How just how?!?! You enjoyed yourself, having a good time sitting in the sand, in the warmth, listening to the sound of the ocean, watching a sunset with another girl right next to you. Just thinking about this makes my insides cringe in agony and tremendous pain. And said girl 'she's just a friend of Aman', was always right by your side. Leg pressed on leg. Her leg was pressed to yours not to Amans leg who was sitting on the right side next to her. On your esplanade stroll or whatever it was you were walking closest to her, directly behind her, looking happy like you were living your best life. At the same time I had one breakdown after the other. Because I was stupid enough to trust you. I trusted you completely and you smashed it. I saw the way you were looking at her and I know your behavior good enough to see some things. You did quite a lot of things those last months that hurt me badly, but your 'Männertrip' killed something inside of me and I can't look at you the same.
#still devastated#so many painful things happened in one week#I had a complete mental breakdown#I am still shocked#it hurts and hurts and hurts#I wrote you everything what I am thinking about our relationship#I opened myself completely#I also wrote I would take a flight the following day#you left me on read#for hours while being awake#having a good time#celebrating life and holidays#the person that says of himself 'I don't need that I don't have the urge to go away'#when you finally answered it was one sentence#just a few words#saying something like ' I slept that long'#do you think I am stupid? I was on read for hours.. And when you finally decided to write roughly ~six words you didn't thought of reading#my messages#you totally ignored EVERYTHING#so i deleted it#and I should finally take the step and delete whatever this is that's left of us#how could you behave that cruel?#and once again it were those 500 dinero#I remember asking Philip 'when are we gonna have one full day for us?...' so if I sell my body to some man and earn 500bucks you would take#a day off? ' and he was like' yes'#then you came around and I wasn't worth 500€ to you#you knew you were killing me with your decision#you triggered me in so so many ways#out of nowhere 'I am flying to *****' wtf?!?!#we didn't spend new years eve together because you were once again writing one thing not even half heartedly but showed what you really
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