#i KNOW my mental health is down the drain because i woke up panicking at 4:30am for seemingly no good reason

[alongtidesoflight]

.

[sarahrogersevans]

One Day At A Time- Chris Evans xreader fan fic

Summary: Reader just had another therapy session & comes home drained and Chris comforts them and gives them aftercare making sure they rest

Warnings: mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of a panic attack, angst, fluff, soft Chris, mentions of therapy, really soft fluff from Chris, mentions of a nightmare, let me know if I miss anything .

I just got home from having another therapy session and I’m feeling tired from all the venting and crying and just wanna lay in bed. Dodger came to greet me along with my boyfriend Chris and he smiles at me and says “hey sunshine how did the session go?” I just walk up to Chris after petting dodger and I put my arms around Chris and say “I’m tired.. but it went ok, can we maybe cuddle for a bit?” Chris holds me close while rubbing my back gently and says “yea of course we can baby.”

Chris takes my hand in his and we walk into our shared bedroom and I sat down on the bed and Chris knelt down and helped me take my shoes off and then puts them away and sits next to me and wants to hold my hand and sees I’m feeling small and says “May I?” I nodded and he carefully takes my hand in his and looks at me with a smile and says “you did so good today Y/N I’m so proud of you baby, you’re so strong but it’s ok to relax now ok?” I smiled and laid my head on his shoulder and said “I love you Chris thank you for supporting me doing therapy.” Chris kissed the top of my head and said “hey of course I would sweet girl I care about you, your mental health is important I’m glad you’re doing that and I’ll always be right here to help you darling you mean so much to me I love you.”

————-time skip———

I woke up a few hours later from a nightmare with my heart racing and I was breathing hard and I sat up in bed with my knees hugged up to my chest panicking feeling scared. Chris noticed I wasn’t laying down next to him and saw me sitting up and right away he turned on the light and sat up next to me saying “Y/N? what happened are you ok sweetheart?” I shook my head and said “having a panic attack .. I can’t breathe Chris.” Chris scooted closer and said “aww baby it’s ok don’t fight it ok? Can we try a technique I learned for panic attacks?” I could only nod my head while still trying to slow down my heartbeat and breathing.

Chris carefully put his hand on my back rubbing it in slow circles and said “ok doll, can you name one thing you can see for me?” I lifted my head up off from my knee and looked around the room and I spotted Chris’s favorite hat and I said “your favorite..hat that you love.” Chris smiled and said “good girl honey I’m proud of you, ok one thing you can hear we’re almost done.” I listened to everything I heard and I said “the train horns outside the window, I like those.” Chris kissed the top of my head and said “doing so well Y/N I love the train horns at night too, ok one thing you can touch almost there.” I put my hand on my hoodie and smiled and said “my comfy hoodie you bought me for my birthday last year that I love.” Chris smiled at me and said I do love that hoodie on you it’s cute, ok and one more thing babe, one thing you can taste?”

I laughed trying to think of that one because I hadn’t eaten in hours but I said “I really liked what umm.. what we had for dinner, that queso and steak quesadilla, it was very good.” Chris noticed my heart beat slowed down and that I was breathing better and kissed my forehead and smiled at me and said “you did so good my love I’m so proud of you, I promise things will get better one day at a time ok? Keep fighting for me and for you Y/N I believe in you.” I hugged him tight and said “I will I promise, I love you so much Chris, that game was fun it really helped me relax, I’m tired now.”

Chris leaned in to kiss me and said “I love you more sweet girl, let’s go back to sleep now hmm?” I got back into the blankets and Chris did too and he had me lay my head on his chest and his arm around me and smiled at me and said “goodnight sunshine sleep well we can do anything you want tomorrow, I’ll be here the whole time I love you.” & with that I closed my eyes and went into a deep relaxing sleep.

@chrisevansdaughter

@fluffycutecevans

@jessybarnes

@nana1000night

@vrittivsanghavi

@marvelstarker-mha98

@writersblog20

@delicatecoffeepeanut

I went through this recently & wanted to write this to help get my feelings out, I loved the idea for this and it helped a bit to write it tbh 🥹 hope you all enjoy xx♥️♥️

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Please Fix the Story Pt 20 - Sci Fi

New part! I've felt more inspired lately, and am happy to share the next installment of the PFTS series.

Warning, a little bit of angst ahead.

Masterpost linked here.

Enjoy!

_____________________________

“That’s amazing!”

Pausing in my exercise with the Mech, I turned to look over at Liam who was standing off to the side of training room. He was watching me with bright eyes, a small container and a water bottle held tightly in his hands.

I stood in the training room holding a sword, practicing different strikes, while the Mech behind me held its own large sword, mimicking my movements through the Connection. The distance between us made it more difficult, but I felt the stuttering in its attacks slowly smooth out as I practiced.

I made an overhead swing, feeling the mild throbbing at my temples increase as the Mech made the same movement just a quarter second behind. Now, finished with the set of attacks I had set for myself, I sheathed the practice weapon and turned towards my enthusiastic audience.

“Hey, Liam!”

Severing the Connection with my Mech, I felt relief as the mental drain halted. Now free to move around, I walked towards him with a smile. “What brought you here?”

He grinned shyly. “I wanted to see you practice. Your control is amazing! I can’t believe you can Connect with your Mech from that distance. Also…” He hesitated, “You seem much more comfortable with a sword than you did with the pistols, no offense.”

“None taken. The sword IS much more comfortable.” I thought about the memory fragments of me refusing to give up using a sword. “I just think I might not be meant for ranged weapons.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re happy! Here you go.” He reached out, holding up a container of water for me to drink from.

“Thanks.”

“I also brought cake.”

I nearly choked in the midst of taking a drink. “Really? You didn’t have to. At this rate you’re going to spoil me.”

“Good.” Liam clutched the container to his chest, looking pleased. “You deserve it.”

“Whatever you say.” I shook my head, finished my drink and then paused. “…Can I ask you a question?”

His smile faded at my serious tone. “Go ahead.”

“Your mental barrier… if it’s up all the time, how are we standing so close together? Also, you’ve handed me things, and even touched me when you helped me up that one time, right?” I felt excited internally, but tried not to show it. “Does that mean I’m not affected by your barrier?”

“… I wish that were true.”

My heart sank with disappointment as Liam sighed, looking down at the ground. “With people I trust, the barrier shrinks. The more I trust them, the smaller the barrier is. My parents can stand close to me.” His eyes turned towards me again, and then back down. “You… you can get closer than anyone else.”

Liam reached out his hand, and following his lead I reached out as well until our palms touched. He studied our hands with a fascinated but sad expression.

“We are so close, it almost seems like we are touching. But there’s still a barrier.”

“So I’m not touching you?”

“No, not directly.” He looked like he wanted to cry. “I can’t feel it. It’s just the barrier.”

“… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m used to it.” Shrugging, he grabbed my hand and led me over to a nearby table and chairs. “Honestly, getting as close as this is already a miracle.”

I sat down on the chair, watching as he set up the cake on a plate with utensils. “So you really trust me, huh?”

The movement of his hands paused as he ducked his head, blushing. A mumbled “yes” made it to my ears. Chuckling, I didn’t push him any further. I sat and ate, enjoying the cake he had brought. We didn’t talk, but it was a comfortable silence.

I feel like I’ve known him forever, but I just met him recently.

Putting the odd thought aside, I finished the cake and stood up, brushing the crumbs from my uniform.

“Well, thank you for the delicious cake! But now, I'm afraid I have to get back to practice.”

Liam stood up as well, his expression concerned. “Really? Already? I thought the doctor in the infirmary told you to take it easy after the strain during the mock battles?”

“Just a few more practice swings, it will be fine.”

I don’t know how I’m going to save the world without a Connector. The best I can do is try to become as strong as possible, and hope my mind holds together long enough.

I took a stance near my Mech once more, drawing my practice sword. Glancing over at Liam, who still looked worried, I grinned. “Want to join me?”

“No, I’m terrible with a sword.” He slowly returned the smile, and sat down on the sidelines. “I’ll just watch you from here. Make sure not to overdo it.”

“I know. Just a little more practice.” I made the Connection, pleasantly surprised when my head didn’t ache right away. “Honestly, I think I’m tolerating the mental drain better.”

Liam didn’t seem reassured. “Be careful.”

_____________________________

“Be careful.”

I swung my sword in a quick practice swing, and laughed. “I’m always careful.”

“Says the woman who is going monster hunting.”

“You don’t have to come along.”

I was pulled into a warm embrace. “And let you face danger without me? Never.”

_____________________________

I blinked, mildly disoriented by the sudden memory. They had been coming more and more frequently, as if my mind was desperate to piece together who I had been before I arrived in this world.

“Alaira?”

“I’m fine…” I blinked again, but the forest in my memory didn’t fade away, but simply overlapped with the practice room around me.

Where am I?

“Alaira?”

I tried to look around, but everything was fading into darkness. “I’m…”

“ALAIRA!”

Liam’s panicked shout followed me into oblivion.

_____________________________

Well, at least I recognize this place.

I woke up in the infirmary, groaning as I held my pounding head.

“You’re an idiot.”

The stern voice of the doctor pulled my attention, and I looked up at the middle-aged woman who was glaring at me from a few feet away.

“Wow, your bedside manner is so warm and fuzzy.” I mumbled, rubbing my forehead.

“My bedside manner is saved for patients with a brain. You obviously lost yours somewhere, so you get tough love.” She waved a scanner over my head, frowning. “I told you to take it easy after you passed out during the mock battles!”

“I did! I haven’t done any fighting since that day.”

Her eyes narrowed. “What were you doing in the practice room, then?”

“Practicing with my sword?”

“WHILE Connected to your Mech from 20 feet away?? You didn’t think that might cause a bit of mental strain??!” She sighed, staring up at the ceiling hopelessly. “Lord, give me strength to deal with young, dumb students.”

The doctor sat down on a nearby chair, staring at me seriously. “You have to listen to me, Alaira. This is really important.”

“Okay.” I sat up in bed, folding my hands in my lap and trying to appear attentive. “I’m listening.”

“Your powers have grown. You were already S level when you underwent your health check at the beginning of your second year, but now… it’s at least multiplied by 10.” She shook her head. “We don’t even have a ranking for your power level. I don’t know what’s happened in the last month, it’s almost as if you’ve become a completely different person.”

I am a completely different person… at least I think I am. Is it because I’m in Alaira’s body now that her powers have changed?

I had no way to explain that to the doctor though. “So the power increase… that's a good thing, right?”

“It would be… if you had matched with a Connector.” She sighed. “With your current power level, your mental degradation rate has sped up exponentially.”

“…”

“The passing out is just one of the early signs, Alaira. Have you experienced anything else? Headaches…”

Yes.

“Irritability…”

I thought that was just my personality.

“Hallucinations… flashes of people or memories that aren’t real or never happened?”

“…”

I sat silently, stunned.

No… It can’t be. The memories in my head… the mission… Alaira’s memories of dying in a fight against the Hive… me waking up in a different world… could it all be just my mind breaking apart?

She watched my facial expression and silence with a frown. “So it’s even worse than I thought.” She brought up a holographic file and made a note.

“I…”

“No. No excuses, Alaira. You are temporarily suspended from duty until further notice. I can’t risk your safety any further.”

“But, I’m the strongest Guardian we have!” I was desperately grasping at straws. “You can’t sideline me! What if I found a Connector?”

The doctor shook her head. “I don’t even want you trying to match right now. It takes mental power, and could be the tipping point to full mental degradation.”

“But…”

“No. Alaira. You’re suspended. That’s final.”

WARNING! MISSION FAILURE IMMINENT!

TOTAL COMPLETION 5%

MISSION FAILURE WILL RESULT IN WORLD COLLAPSE AND DESTRUCTION OF THE SOUL. PLEASE COMPLETE THE MISSION.

The bright blue words appeared in front of my eyes. I glanced over at the doctor, who didn’t seem to notice them.

Is this real? Am I really here for a mission to save the world? Or is this just a product of my mental degradation?

“Do you understand, Alaira?”

WARNING!

“I do.”

She relaxed. “Good. Then return to your dorm and rest. I’ll notify your father to come pick you up.” She gathered her things and stood up, giving me a sympathetic smile. “I know it’s hard, but put being a Guardian, the Hive, all of it to the side right now. Just focus on your health.”

WARNING! MISSION FAILURE IMMINENT!

“I know.”

“And Alaira?”

WARNING!

“Yes?”

“Stay away from your Mech and the matching center, okay?”

“Of course.” I smiled. “I’ll just stay in my room.”

_____________________________

I snuck out of my room that same night.

I don’t know what’s real and what’s not… but I really don’t want to risk world collapse and soul destruction. Those both sound pretty bad.

As I crept through the hallways towards the Match center, I thought through possible plans to get me out of this situation.

First. Let's try matching again. If that doesn’t work… Maybe talk to Alaira’s father? See if there’s any research in slowing the progression of mental degradation?

I heard a security guard coming down the hallway. Panicking, I hid in the nearest classroom. The floor was ice cold even through the cloth of my uniform; my heartbeat was loud in my ears as I listened to the guard pass by on the other side of the door.

Either way, I can’t get caught just yet. I can’t risk missing what might be my last chance to match.

The guard had moved on. I waited a few moments just to be safe before opening the door and sneaking down the hallway once more. My mind was racing, circling around the disturbing idea that it was too afraid to touch:

The possibility that everything I thought was real was actually just my mind breaking down.

Am I really Alaira? Why does the man in my memories keep calling me Bel?

Who am I?

What is real?

It was agonizing, every moment of uncertainty. Questioning every memory, every conversation.

I pushed it from my mind, focusing on each step ahead of me. I needed to get to the Match Center.

If I can match a Connector, it will resolve my mental decay, and then I’ll know what's real.

I tried really hard not to think about what would happen if I still couldn’t find a Connector.

I quietly opened the door to the Match center.

“Match unable to be made.”

At the sound of the cold, robotic voice, I froze in place. For a wild moment I wondered if the match computer had sensed me walking in the building, and decided to reject me at the doorway just to save time. But reason set in and I recognized the figure hunched over the panel:

Liam.

“Unrecognized tester. Please let down your mental barrier to proceed with Match testing.” The voice echoed around the room, seeming to almost physically strike Liam as he slumped further in front of the glowing panel.

His hands tightened into fists as he pressed them harder against the machine. “I’m trying to let it down. Just run the test!”

“Please let down your mental barrier to proceed with Match testing.”

“Just let me test, dammit!”

“Please let down your mental barrier to proceed with Match testing.” Despite his franticness, the voice was cold and unchanged.

“PLEASE!” His fist struck the panel as he slumped to ground. “Let me try. Please…”

He was crying, and my chest hurt as I watched. “Please… let me match her.”

“… Match unable to me made.”

“Liam.” I whispered his name, feeling as if my heart was tearing in half.

“Please.” He sobbed into his hands. "I can't... I can't put it down... I just want to help her... please!"

_____________________________

“Please. Let her go. I’ll do anything.” His voice was shaking with fear, his wide eyes staring at me as I was trapped in place, unable to move.

“Just give up. This is her fate.”

“Let her go!” He reached forward desperately, unable to reach me. “BEL!”

_____________________________

“Liam.” I was crying, unable to control it.

These memories can’t just be hallucinations. They are too real. I looked over at Liam who was striking his fist over and over against the panel, ignoring the blood staining the surface as his skin tore under the repeated blows.

He’s just hurting himself. It was painful to watch. I have to stop him.

I started to walk forward, my hand reaching out…

“Liam…”

Before I could call out, I felt a sharp prick on my arm. I tried to turn to around and look, but soon a burning sensation was building deep in my muscle and my mind went blank.

“Liam…” I tried to call him once last time, as the drug injected into my arm forced me into unconsciousness.

_____________________________

Okay this whole passing out thing has gotten really old.

My mind grumbled as I slowly regained consciousness. I blinked, trying to clear the blurriness in my vision. Did a security guard find me? If so, their curfew enforcement is pretty insane if they are knocking out students.

The room around me slowly came into focus.

Wait… this isn’t the infirmary.

It was a pale grey dorm room.

This isn’t’ my room either. Feeling uneasy, I looked around, barely able to move. My limbs felt as if they were filled with lead, my head foggy.

The dorm room was clean, with barely any personal items on the desk and dresser. On the wall was several posters of famous Guardians, a calendar was pinned nearby with a vigorous Mech training schedule.

I have a bad feeling about this…

“Alaira, you’re awake!” A voice called out from the doorway, sounding pleasantly surprised.

I turned my head with great difficulty, my eyes widening at the sight. “…Chris?”

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” He smiled at me, grabbing the chair from the desk and dragging it to the bedside before sitting down. “When you asked me not to take you to the infirmary, I was worried I was doing the wrong thing.”

He seems… different.

“…” I wanted to shake my head, but felt to weak. “No… I was in the Matching Center…”

He frowned at my words, looking confused. “Matching Center? We ran into each other in the hallway. You were on the verge of passing out, and asked me to take you back to your room. “ Pausing, he shrugged embarrassedly. “Then you fainted. I don’t have access to the female dorms, so I brought you to my room instead. I hope you don’t mind.”

“…Liam.” It was difficult to talk. “Where’s Liam?”

“Liam? Do you mean Prince William?” Chris seemed even more confused. “He took leave and returned home after you passed out during your training.”

“But…”

“I think he felt a little guilty at not being able to help you match. Not that it’s his fault he can’t form the Connection.”

“I saw him.” I tried to focus my thoughts, but they kept scattering. “I saw him in the Match Room.”

Chris leaned forward, reaching for my hand. I pulled away, but was too weak to break his grip. “Alaira. You’re undergoing mental degradation. The doctor in the infirmary said you were already in the late stages. It’s common to have hallucinations, memories of interactions with people and conversations that never happened.”

I blinked. Could I have imagined the whole thing? Did I want to think that Liam was in the Match Room trying to save me, instead of running away without telling me?

How far gone was I? What was real, and what was just my mind degrading?

Something’s not right.I remembered the needle prick in my arm, and brought my free hand to the spot in confusion.

“What are you rubbing your arm for?”

“I… was stuck with a needle…”

He shook his head. “That didn’t happen. You hit your arm on the wall when you passed out, so it might be a little sore, but that’s it. There was no needle. Your brain just came up with a reason to explain the pain.”

“…”

“It’s okay, Alaira. It’s okay.” Chris squeezed my hand. “It’s normal to be confused, and a little paranoid. Your brain is breaking under the strain of the Connection to your Mech. We’ll help you. You’re going to be okay.”

WARNING! MISSION FAILURE IMMINENT!

TOTAL COMPLETION 3%

MISSION FAILURE WILL RESULT IN WORLD COLLAPSE AND DESTRUCTION OF THE SOUL. PLEASE COMPLETE THE MISSION.

“Alaira? Do you hear me?” Chris called out, concerned.

“I’m… not going to give up. I have to face the Hive. Save… the world.” My thoughts were still jumbled. I wasn’t sure if it was from the drug or mental degradation. What was real and what was fake was blurring.

“You’re not going to be suspended. You’re going to be the most powerful Guardian the world has ever seen, and you’re going to save humanity.”

I looked over at Chris, feeling confused. He wore a pleasant smile on his face, his posture relaxed, but his grip on my hand was just a little too tight, and his eyes…

… His eyes were different. The color, the shape, was the same… but the way he looked at me had changed.

“Who are you?” I asked quietly, forcing the words out through slightly numb lips.

He looked shocked. “What do you mean? It’s me, Chris. We’ve known each other since the first Mock battle in school.” He chuckled. “You kicked my butt, remember?”

“Now I know you aren’t Chris. You haven’t yelled at me that 'you’re going to follow your dream and I can’t stop it' this whole conversation. You’re not Chris. “

He laughed, a light, easy sound. “You’re right, I’ve changed. But I’m still Chris, I promise.” He reached out and patted the back of my hand, still grasped tightly in his own. “You see, I came to a realization: I was jealous of you.”

“…”

“I know, right? Self-insight from me seems like a foreign concept. But from the first day I was in awe of your skills, jealous of your level S abilities.” He sighed, leaning back, still holding my hand, ignoring my attempts to free it. “My only consolation was that you were a loner, that you couldn’t find a Match. It was the one thing that I beat you in.”

“You…”

“I kept trying to brag in front of you, hoping that you would recognize me. Hoping that you would tell me that I was the real deal, that I was a true Guardian. But that doesn’t excuse how poorly I treated you. How my friends treated you.” His regretful gaze held my own. I felt trapped in it. “I’m sorry. I will do better going forward.”

“…” My head was starting to clear, but it was a slow process.

“Seeing you pass out after our fight… seeing you in the infirmary today… in the hallway just now… I can’t ignore this.” He sighed. “You’re breaking down, right in front of me. And I can’t let this happen… not when I can stop it.”

He got off of the chair kneeling next to the bed. He reached out with his other hand, holding mine between both of his palms.

“Alaira… you’ve already have a high resonance match with me. I can save your mind, and help you save the world. It’s such an easy solution.” He smiled at me, without any sign of reluctance at all.

I felt a silent scream of terror and rage build up in my chest. I wanted to reach out and stop him, to silence his next sentence. Despite my wishes, however, his words came out all too clearly:

“I’ll be your Connector.”

[blackcherrykiss]

BLOOD BOUNDARIES - Enhypen OT7 Fanfic (ch.7)

[CH.1] [CH.2] [CH.3] [CH.4] [CH.5] [CH.6] previous chapters

[CH.8.] next chapter (unavailable, check back or follow for updates!)

You fell into a distrustful panic that night now that knew the screams of the woods were also where Jungwon and his friends lived. You weren't sure if you should be scared for those group of boys or be scared of them. You'd be lying to yourself if you tried to believe it was only a coincidence the boys had a place in the forest of violent cries.

You questioned your sanity, were they murderers? Was that their dirty secret?

Your conclusions were endlessly dark, repeating themselves countlessly. You had never wanted to sleep away your thoughts more than ever. Eventually, you got exhausted from your thoughts. It was mentally draining to try and tear apart the possibilities of the situation, you didn't have enough evidence to be so sure. You lay in a cold sweat as you drifted off into a deep but horrible sleep.

You dreamt in full awareness. The boys with blood spilling down their hands and onto their swan white clothes. A red mess everywhere on the cream walls of an orphanage that overflowed with rays of a full moon. Although you were scared of what you were witnessing, you could not wake up even if your life depended on it. It seemed as if the dream had sped up your sleep as you woke in what felt like a few seconds. Calmly, you awoke in the misty autumn morning in a crushed up pile of blankets. You sit up to peel your wispy curtains away from the window to get a good look at the dark forest that steamed with a muddy blue fog. All of the memories of Jungwon yelling at you for just being near the woods flooded your brain as you stared. This time you were determined to search deep into that forest and get to the bottom of its mysteries as it called out to you.

"Y/N I think you're going to be late for your first class." Nana knocked before bursting into your room in full uniform, not a wrinkle on her shirt.

"Y-you're already ready? What time is it?!" You glanced back and forth between your pyjamas and uniform that draped over a random stool as you were too lazy to fold nicely the night before.

"We didn't want to wake you... So we went ahead thinking you'd come down eventually." She yanked you out of bed, gripping your forearms tightly before backing out the door, "Don't be late! We promised we'd keep out of detention this year!"

Within a blink of an eye, you slip into your uniform, slinking your arms through the holes of your blouse and adjusting your legs to be cover by your ashy plaid skirt. With your bag and binder in hand, you sprinted across your campus to the gymnasium where you found yourself arriving, everyone already in the proper athletic attire.

"You're late."  Your health teacher grit her teeth in visible disappointment. Your teacher knew how unlike you it was to be late as your classmate's eyes followed your every movement.

"P-pardon me." You clawed your fingers through your bedhead, speeding to the change room, nervous she'd assign you detention.

You let out the deep breath you were holding in as you got into the empty locker room, frustrated at yourself for waking up so late. You can't help but feel upset that you let your thoughts get the best of you and ruin your perfect attendance. Truly you were ashamed but began to see no point in continuing to rush the pace at which your day was running.

The locker room door opens and you see Kyungeun peep herself inside, "Y/N? You alright?"

You pull your boxy shirt flat down, zipping and tying every spot on your tracksuit jacket, "Yeah, sorry rough morning..."

"No worries, I just said that I had to go to the bathroom but I really just wanted to check on you." She had a motherly sound to her voice which comforted your bad start to the day. Perhaps she was in a good enough mood for you to ask her briefly about her relationship with Sunghoon.

"Kyungeun, I think I need to just clear the air... I saw you with Sunghoon in the library." You tilted your head in regret as to whether or not you were starting off the conversation in the right direction.

"Y-you saw us???" Her face drained to an unrealistic hue, "Lord... Sunghoon will kill me if he finds out you know."

"Stop! What do you mean? He'll kill you? Is it because I know that you two are dating?"

"NO! Nevermind then!" She cut you off right after the question mark in your voice. She looked rather relieved at your response which could only mean their relationship was much different than you had presumed. "I just can't tell you about our relationship I'm s-sorry it's between just us two."

"So then it's okay for him to flirt with my roommate?"

"No? Are you serious right now ?!" Kyungeun panicked.

"So you are dating?" You gave a smug smile.

"It's not that..." She was visibly frustrated not being able to describe herself in words, "I'll tell you this, I'm bound to him..." She ran her index finger along the reddened gash on her neck  He's blackmailing me."

"So you're like his pet?" You held in your laughter, you knew you should be more serious but you had no other way of trying to help Kyungeun express the gist of her relationship.

"I'll tell you another day...  Let's just go before the teacher gets mad at you for taking so long to change."

...

After your class full of advanced leg exercises and mediocrely fun games, you got halted by your gym teacher, "Y/N can we speak about how tardy you were today?"

You got fearful of her sentencing you detention, freezing up from your heel upwards, "I'm so sorry, I just had a lot going on last night..."

"Sweetie, I know this is your first late in my class but unfortunately the school does not tolerate tardiness in the way I believe it should be." She tapped her chin a few times, "I have no other choice but to send you to detention but it'll just be a half-hour at lunch." You felt better that it wasn't for a full hour or two after school but you were still dreading the idea.

"Can't you just let me off the hook? I promise it'll never happen again" You pleaded desperately.

"I'm afraid I cannot... If the other teachers or students knew you didn't get sent to detention I could get into trouble for giving you 'special treatment'. I know you didn't mean to love but I cannot afford to lose my job so I'll see you then." She patted one of your shoulders, giving it a little squeeze to cheer you up.

"I understand..." You nod with your head that already hung low.

"It's in the English room down the hall, there is usually only a few students there. Some familiar faces."

...

That rest of your morning would only pull through faster as you got some weird anxiety over walking into the detention room. You could not concentrate at all in the class you had before lunch. You felt as if you were too good for the detention group of kids, but here you were about to join those you criticized. Karma.

"Make sure to answer the questions 8-16 on page 300, you have the rest of the class to do so. Any questions?" Your physics teacher stood with his hands balled up behind his back.

Realizing you had no physics book in your bag after triple checking, you shot your arm up in distress, "ME! I forgot my textbook today... I was in a rush this morning." You faked a polite laugh with the expectation your teacher would have a spare.

"I'm afraid I don't have an extra, anyone willing to share?" The teacher lifted his head to scan the class.

"I could share." Jaeyun winked making your face recoil

"Perfect! You'll probably have to move your stuff to his seat then." Your teacher suggested.

With a thick coat of disappointment, you pulled a chair up to Jaeyun's desk to which he kneed you annoyingly.

Within just a few seconds of settling down, you complained "How the hell am I supposed to write? There is no space... Desks are made for ONE person."

"Okay then don't use my textbook and fall behind" He sneered.

"Wait wait, I just had the greatest idea Jaeyun." He gave you puppy eyes when you said his name, "What if you look for half the answers I do the other half then exchange?" You whispered so the teacher could hear.

"I can't trust you make good answers though..." He jokingly sighed.

"HEY! Okay or work together for every question to get it done twice as fast? Oh wait but then I'll be the one carrying the team... Bummer..." You stretched the corners of your mouth until your lips disappeared.

"I honestly don't feel like doing work so lose-lose." He pouted and rolled his eyes.

"Same... I can't even focus, I'm having a rough morning..." You openly admitted, "I got sent to detention for being late in my first class."

"Detention? Didn't think you were the type." Jaeyun had an unexpectedly sweet giggle which contrasted with his lower tone voice, "Heeseung and Sunghoon get sent often, surprised they aren't kicked out of the school."

"They get sent often?!" Your voice rose to which you quickly quieted down to avoid trouble, "Will I see them there?"

"Why? Looking forward to going now?" Jaeyun whispered with a grin, causing you to scoff.

"As if..." A sudden idea coming to mind, "Say Jaeyun... About the party... Heard you guys have a place in the woods...?" You became aware that you could pry some information out of him that would help you when searching the woods that night.

"Yeah, we do... We don't normally tell people about it." He said casually yet still with some sort of caution.

"So why tell us then?"

"Haven't had any visitors in a while..." Jaeyun toyed with his mechanical pencil, using the plastic part to trace around his lips, "Awfully interested aren't you?" He seemed to have caught on to your intentions, shifting the mood of the conversation around in a full 180.

Suddenly the dream you had earlier slipped into mind, causing you to sit in growing discomfort, "What do you want from my friends and I?"

"Nothing sweetheart... We're more interested in you than your dormmates. You look like someone we know." He laughed like a psycho and it creeped you out how the two of you were just poking lighthearted jokes to something much darker and mysterious, "I know you're afraid of us, you know far more than most girls." His voice dropped to a whisper as he watched the teacher behind you to make sure he didn't see the both of you slacking.

"Kyungeun knows your secrets too she said she'll tell me."

"She's acting like we don't know her secrets." Jaeyun closed his textbook, "Y/N just remember this, Kyungeun is half as bad as we are and half as pure as you are."

"Alright class, that's it for today's class. This textbook assignment won't be due until Friday have a good lunch." The teacher interrupted, causing your conversation with Jaeyun to end on a hanging note.

"Good luck with detention."Jaeyun hushed in your ear.

_______________

p.s, i changed the cover lol don’t make fun of my photoshop skills!

[elisajdb]

GoChi Week 2021: A Fulfilled Life: Part Two

GoChi Week 2021

A Fulfilled Life

Day Two Prompt: Romantic @gochi-week

Goku added another log of wood to the dying fire. The flames grew twice its size from the thick log. Goku hoped that will be enough. It was the last one. He could go out and get more firewood but he promised to stay here and watch Celia. When Goku made a promise, he kept it.

Celia laid nearby on a futon wrapped in a blanket. Her sudden coughing had Goku rushing to her side. “Are you all right? Do you need anything?”

Celia cleared her hoarse throat. “You’re so kind. If I were well, I would cook you a meal. Seeing you eat, always makes me happy. You’re so adorable.”

“Adorable?”

“It means kind; you make people feel good. No one has reacted the way you have to my cooking.” Celia’s sickly smile was tender. “You eat every morsel and you’re always hungry for more. You’re special.”

Goku was used to being called names. Most were of criticism. Very rare he received praised for being himself and he received a lot from Celia. Celia was a kind woman. She fed him yummy meals and mended his clothes. When she fell ill, Goku did all he could to accommodate her. Goku never got sick but saw it happen to Master Roshi, Krillin and Lunch but Celia appeared sicker. Last night she was burning up and this morning she woke with chills and couldn’t move from her futon. If something wasn’t done soon, she’ll die and Goku didn’t want that to happen to a kind woman like Celia.

The cabin door burst open. A man in a bearskin coat, matching hat, knitted scarf and gloves walked in. He had a large sack over his right shoulder and logs of wood under his left arm. He kicked the door shut to keep the cold air out.

“How’s Celia, Goku?”

Goku took the logs of wood from the burly, bearded man. He stacked them by the fireplace. “Still sick. She looks really bad, Silas.”

Silas set down his sack and removed his hat and scarf as he approached Celia. Goku stared at the two confused. Celia was ill but the way Celia and Silas smiled at each other reminded Goku of those weird movies blue-haired Lunch loved to watch. She always cried watching them. Silas touched Celia’s forehead with his gloved hand. “You’re burning up again. Sorry I took so long to get back to you.”

Goku saw Celia wrap her sweaty hands around Silas’s gloved one. Celia didn’t allow any direct touching in fear she will spread her sickness to him and Silas. “You’re here now, Silas.”

“I have the medicine to cure you. I’ll make it now.” Silas grabbed his heavy bag and carried it to the kitchen. “I’ll need your help, Goku.” Silas placed the bag on the table. Goku climbed onto the seat and stood on it to peer inside the bag Silas opened.

A foul stench latched itself onto Goku’s nose. He covered his nose with his hands to protect himself but the strong scent penetrated his hands. “Yuck! What stinks?”

Silas pulled out a variety of green and color plants and wet, squishy dark red organs. “This is medicine for Celia, Goku. These plants are medicinal herbs: yellow root, echinacea, elderberry, hyssop, lemongrass and catnip. This squishy flesh is liver from bear and boar. It’s all around these mountains. It’s better than the chemical medicines used in the big cities.”

The foul stench made Goku’s head hurt. “It stinks!”

Silas grabbed a mortar and pestle. “It does. City medicines don’t have a stench. Chemicals are used to drown the smell. It makes their medicine less effective.” Silas placed the yellow root in the mortar. He began mashing it with the pestle. “Watch and learn, Goku. You may have to use this to cure someone you love one day.”

Goku wiped the sweat off his forehead. He did everything from memory: mashed the plants he collected in the mortar and pestle until they were fine crumbs, drained the blood from the bear and boar liver and boil for an hour; transfer the livers in another pot and boil again for another hour with the crushed herbs.

While that cooked, Goku made chicken soup from a recipe in the cooking books ChiChi sometimes used. He mentally thanked ChiChi for showing him to use appliances and kitchen utensils a year ago when Gohan was a newborn and she needed extra help around the house. The soup was finished an hour before the medicine was ready. Goku spent that time cleaning the kitchen. It was a mess with dirt and animal blood on the floor and table. The counter was covered with messy bowls and stains of food. If ChiChi saw this mess, she’ll kill him. Grabbing a soapy towel, Goku started his big clean. He occasionally looked up to check on Gohan in the other room.

The two-year-old sat on the sofa, clutching his stuffed rabbit engrossed with the talking animals on TV. He was wide awake. After Goku fed Gohan breakfast, he placed Gohan in a carrier and attached him on his back. He’ll take it to his grave he gathered herbs and killed wild animals while Gohan napped on his back. It was either take Gohan with him or leave him unattended at home while ChiChi slept. ChiChi was so ill she couldn’t get out of bed so Goku made a hasty decision. It was all for ChiChi’s health but Goku knew ChiChi wouldn’t see it that way if she knew the truth.

Goku finished mopping the floor when the timer on the stove beeped. Goku turned off the shrilled sound. He raised the lid off the pot. “Ugh!” he groaned. The scent was putrid. “Guess it’s ready.”

Goku filled a mug of the smelly brew. Remembering Silas’ final instructions, he sprinkled cinnamon and stirred to mute the foul scent. Now it was time for the final test. Goku blew on the mug. His lips touched the top of the mug but before he could taste the liquid contents, Goku pulled back.

“Argh!” The cinnamon didn’t help at all! “It still smells like dookie!”

Pinching his nose, Goku sipped the liquid and quickly spat it out. Still bitter and foul; exactly as it should be.

Goku heard ChiChi coughing heavily as he entered their bedroom. He cautiously walked in carrying a tray with a bowl of soup and a mug with a saucer plate covering it. “ChiChi, I got something for you.”

ChiChi groaned as she pulled the covers off her face. She felt as if she was hit by a truck. Her body ached, her head throbbed and her throat was sore. ChiChi sat up and pushed her messy hair back.  She thought she was delirious. Goku held a tray of food. Was this for her? “Did you cook?”

Goku placed the tray on the nightstand. “Just medicine and soup.” Goku handed ChiChi the mug.

“Medicine?” ChiChi noticed the mug had a saucer plate over it. She lifted the saucer, “Why is this…. Ugh!” ChiChi closed it. “It’s ghastly. What is this?”

“Medicine. Drink it. It stinks but it will make you better. I promise.”

ChiChi removed the saucer and immediately recoiled. “Urrgh! How do you know it will make me better?” ChiChi sipped and pulled back. She shuddered as some of the liquid went down her throat. “I taste yellow root and lemongrass. Ugh. This smells like a dead animal.”

Goku knew ChiChi would throw the mug back at him if she knew liver from boar and bear helped created this concoction. “Fresh stuff and herbs I picked outside. When I trained for the 22nd tournament, I met Silas and Celia. They live in the mountains south of Yunzabit Heights. I got the recipe from them.”

“Who are Silas and Celia?”

“A married couple. I was living outside when Silas found me hunting dinner. It was winter and he didn’t think it was right for a kid to be living outside. I told him I can take care of myself but he insisted and invited me to his home for a meal. I stayed with them for a month before I moved on. Grandpa taught me some things, too, but I forgot. Silas showed me what plants to pick, what to eat and how to create herbs to season any meat I hunt. When Celia got sick, he made medicine with plants and stuff around his home.”

ChiChi looked skeptically at the mug. “Did it work?”

“Yeah,” Goku nodded. “It stinks but Celia was better the next day. She’s a nice lady. She made a lot of yummy food for me and fixed my clothes whenever I tore them. I think she was really nice to me because she and Silas didn’t have kids.”

ChiChi stared at the putrid liquid. After hearing that story, there was no way she could reject this. She pinched her nose and drunk the hot, smelly liquid in four gulps. She made a gagging sound as she handed the empty mug to Goku. “I hope it works.” She rubbed her throat. The aftertaste was horrific!

“Time for the good stuff,” Goku said as he handed ChiChi the soup.

This pleasing smell of the hot soup made ChiChi’s mouth water. “Is this my reward for drinking the stinky medicine?”

“Yup. Silas did this for Celia, too.”

“And you’re doing this for me,” she whispered. For several moments, ChiChi stared at the soup.

When she tasted it, Goku saw tears roll down ChiChi’s cheeks. “What?” he panicked. “Is it bad? Did I put too much salt?”

“No. Nothing’s wrong,” ChiChi sniffed. “This is so sweet. I didn’t know you were a romantic, Goku.”

“Romantic?” Goku knew that word. It always tied with flowers and doing nice gestures. Romantic didn’t tie to medicine and food. “I just made medicine and soup.”

“You did,” ChiChi cried, “but it’s more than that. You remembered something years ago to take care of me.”

“Yeah?” Goku drawled slowly still not seeing what he did as romantic. It was practical. ChiChi’s sick and Goku thought of some medicine he felt will cure her. How was that romantic?

ChiChi stirred the hot soup with a spoon before taking a bite. “Mmm,” she moaned. This was so good and what she needed to wash down the nasty medicine! “Delicious. This is the best soup I’ve ever tasted!”

“It is?” Goku tasted it. It was okay but not as good as the soup ChiChi makes. Maybe this cold weakened ChiChi’s sense of taste.

ChiChi wasn’t sure if the medicine was working but her mood was lifting at the wonderful gesture of her sweet and romantic husband. “Where’s Gohan? Did you feed him this wonderful soup, too?”

“Not the soup but Gohan’s already eaten breakfast and lunch. He’s watching TV now.”

ChiChi groaned. Gohan was only allowed an hour of TV time a day and she knew Goku broke that rule. “Did you put Gohan in front of the TV all day?”

“Yeah,” Goku knew ChiChi would be upset with that, “but he’s watching those educational videos. I had to distract him while I made your medicine and soup.”

“Okay.” ChiChi accepted that excuse. After this sweet gesture from her husband, ChiChi couldn’t be mad at Goku today.

Goku kept ChiChi company until she finished her meal. When he left, the concoction of the medicine finally got to her. She fell asleep at three in the afternoon and didn’t awaken until thirteen hours later.

Her throat wasn’t sore; her nose wasn’t stuffy, her body didn’t ache. She didn’t feel sick at all.

The medicine worked.

For the first time in two days, ChiChi got out of bed. She felt great! She was so happy to be strong enough to cook and clean again for her family, and after the way Goku took care of her, ChiChi wanted to give him a big meal and later tonight, show her thanks in her own personal way.

However, with Goku running the house these last two days, ChiChi knew she had a big task on her hands. Her house. Her kitchen. How much of a mess did Goku leave for her?

To ChiChi’s surprise, the kitchen was spotless. The floor was mopped clean. There were no food stains on the table, counter or refrigerator. All the dishes were put away in their correct spots. ChiChi was impressed. Goku was never this clean. The few times Goku cooked, ChiChi was left to clean the tsunami mess he left behind.

ChiChi went to the living room next. This was Goku’s bedroom for the last two days. When she became ill, ChiChi kicked Goku out of their bedroom. She didn’t want to risk him getting sick. If she and Goku were sick, who will care for Gohan? The television was off but the lamplight was still on. This room wasn’t as neat as the kitchen but ChiChi’s heart melted as she understood why. Goku slept on the sofa with Gohan on his chest. Her baby’s tiny hands clutched Goku’s shirt as he peacefully slept. An opened baby book was sprawled over Goku’s face and papers were on the floor. ChiChi knelt and picked up the papers. They were folded like a card. ChiChi opened one. Her eyes watered at the words inside.

‘Get well soon, Mommy!’ With it, was a crude drawing of their happy family. Gohan could write some letters but they weren’t completely legible and he couldn’t form words yet. Goku’s education was limited but he did know how to read and write basic words and he wrote the following notes on the makeshift card.

Mommy always takes care of Daddy and me.

She gives good baths and makes yummy food.

When Mommy is sick, Daddy takes over.

Because Daddy loves Mommy like Silas loves Celia.

ChiChi clutched the card to her chest and softly wept.

Oh, Goku. You are a romantic.

[colinrobinsvn]

Guillermo deals with the Baron’s night out (an epilogue)

- gif via @eaulinka​ - 

Grabbing an armful of rose bouquets from the vendor, Guillermo handed over a clumsy fistful of cash with a hesitant smile. “Right, there, yep. Got it? Oh-kay,” he breathed as two quarters and a dime clattered to the sidewalk. The vendor sighed heavily and hiked up his pant legs so he could bend down and pick up the change, both knees popping loudly. Guillermo considered kneeling to help, but by that time the guy had already gotten both quarters into his palm, and then they might bump heads and that would just be so much worse. So he turned to the cameraman, a panicked look in his eyes as he quickly started down the sidewalk. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he hissed, holding a bouquet in each fist. When he was safely around the corner, he glanced back at the cameraman to give him an awkward smile. Then he noticed the sound guy and frowned. “Hold on, that’s not...um, that’s not Jeremy. Is he sick? They’re doing flu shots at the pharmacy. I really, um, can’t afford to get sick right now,” he laughed a strained sort of laugh as he stood next to the bus stop.

The cameraman glanced at the new sound guy before very carefully explaining to Guillermo what had happened the night before when the Baron woke up. He expressed how scared they were and how unsafe they felt being in the house now. Apparently Nadja, Laszlo, and Nandor had all apologized, but that wouldn’t bring Jeremy back to life, now would it?

“Oh, no, that’s awful, guys. I’m really sorry. The Baron, he’s...kind of crazy,” Guillermo half laughed, grimacing. Thankfully, the bus pulled up at the curb, so Guillermo was saved the awkwardness of having to stare sympathetically at Jeremy’s surviving crew member. “Oh, gosh, the bus. Finally on time for once,” he offered, giving them a weak laugh as he scanned his pass for the driver. The crew sat down in the seats in front of Guillermo as they always did, turning to film him every moment of every day. They were staring at him with unnaturally blank expressions, and Guillermo found himself feeling more awkwardness than sympathy. He briefly dwelled on the idea that that might be a serious issue that he should probably address with a mental health counselor, but the crew’s unblinking stares were giving him a lot of anxiety and effectively short circuiting his brain.

“I guess it’s like...perils of the job, hey?” Guillermo offered, wringing his hands. The new guy blinked once, each eyelid moving at slightly different speeds. Guillermo grimaced. “Are you, um, okay? I mean, is there, uh, funeral or something?” he asked, shaking his head at the both of them.

In hindsight, Guillermo probably shouldn’t have asked because it just gave the camera guy an excuse to talk about how traumatized they all were and how devastated Jeremy’s family was. And very quickly the guilt really did start to pick away at Guillermo’s brain. That is until the camera guy’s tone started getting aggressive, a little pointed, perhaps. And Guillermo frowned, wondering if they blamed him for Jeremy’s death.

“Hold on, do you guys…” he hesitated, narrowing his eyes at them. The bus lurched, and there was a moment of silence where they looked at Guillermo and Guillermo looked back and then the camera guy asked him why he stayed with his mom last night instead of at the house where he paid $1,200 in rent. “Is this an interview? Am I being interviewed now?” They didn’t answer, and Guillermo sighed, shifting in his seat, scooting forward to whisper to them. “The Baron ate June. I mean, you saw that, right? He just...” Guillermo hissed then, baring his teeth and curling his hands into claws. “I had to clean that up. And...you know, track down June’s family. Most of them were dead, but...you know you’re not supposed to harm someone else’s familiar. It’s like good etiquette or something. And when I heard they were all going out...I mean the Baron’s unhinged when he’s not...drunk…” Guillermo trailed off, finally realizing what he was saying. “Oh god, that could have been me,” he breathed, the color draining from his face.

In Guillermo’s panic, he barely noticed the camera guy sharing a very pointed look with the sound guy.

By the time the bus stopped across the street from the house, Guillermo had collected himself, trying to ignore the way the crew’s eyes were piercing him in the back every single moment. He took a deep breath, glancing back at the two of them nervously before unlocking the front door. The sunlight streamed in as he opened and closed the door behind him and the crew. He grimaced. “What’s that smell?” he asked, glancing up at the second floor where Nadja, Nandor, and Laszlo were leaning over the bannister, staring in horror down at the rug. “Hey, I got the rose…” He followed their gazes to find the Baron burned to crisp on the floor of the front hall. “Fuck.”

To Guillermo’s horror, the three of them stumbled down the stairs laughing and carried the Baron’s charred corpse up the stairs to the attic. Once he was alone with the crew, a brief ear-ringing silence settled over the room before Guillermo felt a hard clap on his back and saw the camera guy and the sound guy high five each other. They talked about karma and how they didn’t sign up for this and how Guillermo’s the only one who’s ever cared for the crew’s well being because he was the only one who could understand, and Guillermo was going to be sick.

Soon after that, the crew left for their respective homes, filming always halting when the sun came up. But during the time when he would usually be sleeping, Guillermo paced the halls, wringing his hands and listening to his stomach churn. “Fuck it. Fuck it. Okay, Guillermo, you can do this,” he mumbled, rushing into Nandor’s room before he lost his nerve. Feeling feverish, he knocked rapidly on Nandor’s coffin. “Master,” he whispered. “Master, wake up,” he hissed, nearly a growl, and recoiled when Nandor groaned.

“Is it sundown already, Guillermo?” Nandor called weakly, his voice high and pitiful sounding.

“No, not, um, not yet, Master, but I have to tell you something,” he said, wringing his hands.

“Guillermo, you are speaking very loudly, and I do not appreciate it,” Nandor said, trying to be stern, but his voice was wavering too much for Guillermo to take him seriously.

“I’m sorry, Master, but this is important. You’ll want to hear this.”

“Every time you make a noise, my head is stabbed seven times with an ice pick. Have you ever had a Hang-Over, Guillermo? I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. I am truly suffering right now, and you do not care,” Nandor complained, and Guillermo rolled his eyes, fighting the urge to glance at cameras that weren’t there.

“It’s about the crew. And Jeremy.”

“Who?”

“The sound guy. The one that the Baron ate,” Guillermo clarified, and Nandor’s coffin lid flew open, his eyes wide and bloodshot as he found Guillermo’s gaze.

“Oh shit. I forgot about that,” he winced, wringing his hands. “Are they...you know, upset? Are they going to tell the Vampiric Council? Do you think we should kill them?”

“I think it’s worse than that, Master,” Guillermo breathed. “I think they’re gonna unionize.”

[queenmylovely]

Hello! I was just wondering if I could request a lil blurb where Ben is so adorably sweet with the reader who’s having a really bad mental day? I’ve had the most overwhelming day and I’m just sitting here sobbing in my bed wishing Ben were here to comfort me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay and snuggle me and kiss my forehead and stuff you know :((( if it’s okay something like that? If it’s too much no stress! I really love your blog, I hope you have a great day! ❤️❤️

Hi darling, I did my best to get this out quickly so hopefully it would help you feel a little better, and hopefully you’re just feeling better in general! thanks for the love and I’m sending it right back to you 💖 (warning for description of symptoms of anxiety/depression) 500 words

also, here’s another Ben thing about him being comforting (warning for smut) and here’s one with Roger calming reader down from a panic attack (descriptions of anxiety and panic attacks) in case either of those would also help at all

Masterlist 

💖💖💖

It had been a bad day, full stop. Everything that could have gone wrong seemed to, and that combined with the already tough day you were having as soon as you woke up mental health-wise left you drained and exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. You had finally been able to come home and only had the energy to make it to your bed, kicking off your shoes before pulling your knees to your chest and starting to cry.

Eventually, your jacket, belt, and jeans had become restricting and irritating, so you pulled them off as quick as you could, angrily throwing them to the ground before you were sobbing again. You didn’t know how long you were there because you just kept cycling through everything that went wrong over and over and over again, only making you feel worse, but you couldn’t stop.

You didn’t hear Ben right when he came into the apartment, but you did when he called your name, already making his way to your shared bedroom. Panicked because you didn’t want him to see you like this, you tried to wipe your tears and fix your face with a smile before he came in. But Ben took one step through the door and saw right through you. As soon as he made his concerned face, yours crumpled and you started crying again.

Ben rushed over to you, sitting on the bed and pulling you close. You curled into him easily, seeking his warmth to comfort you. He kicked off his shoes and then scooted up the bed so he could lay down, pulling you with him. Not trying to ask you what was wrong right away because he knew you just needed to get the tears out, he just played with your hair and rubbed your back soothingly, humming under his breath.

Eventually, the tears slowed, and you were only sniffling a little and your breath had evened out. Ben pressed a kiss to your temple, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

You laughed a little at the line that was a little cliché, and Ben chuckled too, but you appreciated him asking. “I just had a bad day.”

“I’m sorry,” he said and you hummed. “And remember, it’ll all get better with time, yeah?”

“Yeah,” you agreed, your nodding head bumping softly against his chin that it was tucked under.

“Good.”

A couple minutes later of just letting Ben’s presence ease you, you shivered and Ben pulled back quickly to look at you.

“Are you cold?” he asked hurriedly.

You laughed, a little confused at his worriedness, “A little.”

“I’ll grab you some sweats and a jumper,” Ben pulled himself from your arms and then jumped up to go into your closet to grab the clothes. “Here.”

You stood up and put on the clothes, swapping your shirt and bra for the much comfier hoodie. Then you laid down on the bed again and Ben came to join you, draping a blanket that he had grabbed over the both of you.

“What was the rush?”

“Well I want you to feel better, feel comfortable, and how can you do that when you’re cold?” he asked like it was the most obvious thing in the world and your heart swelled.

You smiled at him and reached up to kiss his cheek, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

💖💖💖

places to donate watch to donate listen to donate

check out the black lives matter tag for petitions and more 💖

[stubert87]

I've felt the need to return to my old safe space to put something out into the universe. I've not been in a great place now for at least a month. What started as a mild wobble in confidence & self esteem, has escalated into a severe depressive episode.

I woke up this time 4 weeks ago and didn't want to be alive anymore. I should add some context to that. I didn't want to kill myself, quite the opposite. But all my desire to walk this earth and breathe another breath was gone. As soon as the thought of not wanting to be here appeared in my head, it very quickly made itself comfortable and became a very unwelcome guest. Every day became a nightmare, my head a battlefield on which what little willpower I felt I had slogged it out with the army of negative ideations that had dug their trenches and made their stand.

I think I'd forgotten what this felt like. The overwhelming urge to have the ground swallow you and never be bothered by anything again. The panicked reaction in your head, telling you to hide from the seemingly very real and immeasurable threat. But where do you hide from your own thoughts? How do you run from yourself?

It's been a long four weeks and I'm not sure I'm out of the woods yet. I'm more coasting along the treeline, enjoying the fresh air and sunlight again. I think at this point it's definitely worth reflecting on how I ended up here. How I wound up on the brink of a very dangerous existential crisis.

Between September last year and January this year I unfortunately lost 2 family members. Added to that the trip of a lifetime I'd saved and counted down to went a bit let's tong and it all got a bit much. I listened to my little brain and took some time off. Spending it with family and close friends. Connecting with the amazing support I have in my life. And then 2 months later lockdown happened and all that wonderful support felt like it had been ripped away. It just felt like one knock after another that leaves an already hurting soul, and vulnerable psyche very open to further blows.

Living by yourself, isolated from friends and family back home, having nothing but work to go to day in, day out, whilst managing the fear of this new pandemic, and the multitude of "what ifs" it generates... I know I'm not the only one to have found themselves in this position. The vast majority of humans aren't hard wired to live in isolation, and definitely not an isolation that generates so much fear and anxiety.

But lockdown restrictions have eased now, why is it that my latest episode has hit me now? Why not back in April or May when the lockdown was at its most stringent? The only reasoning I can settle on, is that we've entered the dreaded "new normal". The vast majority of us entered lockdown hoping to spend a few months in isolation and exit lockdown in a joyous victory over covid and go back to our normality. When the fact is we've slowly trickled back out of our anxiety ridden hideaways, into a world of new rules and behaviours and guess what... More anxiety and stress. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, if you will. Nothing about how we're living now is normal. Every masked individual, plastic screen and social distancing sign pushing us further into a state of anxiety and worry.

Even if you're not worried about your own health. There's the worry of the health of those close to you, as well as worrying how people see you, will people judge you for not wearing a mask, how will someone react if you get too close, and the wondering when all this will be over and you can just hug your nana again. An endless lists of what's, what ifs, how's, and why's. It's a draining cycle for all involved. The human fight or flight mechanism isn't the best of states to be living in for a prolonged period of time, and the effects of this long term stress and worry are more and more evident in wider society.

I always try to keep talking to those around me. And I've tried talking my way through this current episode I've found myself in, but what I found petrified me. In an effort to reach out, to talk, to try and steady myself and get help from those around me, I found far too many people in very unsettled states of mind. It added another overwhelming feeling to this all. It seemed like no one was in a position to help, because they themselves needed help. This evidence of living under social distancing induced anxiety was showing on so many people I spoke to. There is no doubt in my mind that there is a good portion of our population on the verge, if not in the midst of a mental health crisis and it worries me deeply.

The biggest thing I can say to you all if you suspect someone close to you isn't in a great state of mental wellbeing and you feel in a position to help is simple. Act. Don't talk. People think that talking is the answer, and to some extent it is. But "it's time to talk" is a years old slogan and we need to progress past this. In order to talk, we that are suffering need help getting un-stuck. Un-stuck from the negative ideations, the constant rumination, and the sluggish brain-fog that consumes us. Sometimes the best way to do that is to kick start us into action. Don't just tell the person you're concerned about that you're here if you need them. Be there. Tell them (don't ask) that you're taking them for a walk, or to dinner, or popping round for a cuppa. The jolt to the system these acts give often helps awaken the senses, and just the same as a tiny spark can set away a blazing inferno, the smallest bit of positivity can snowball and help the person to find their footing on their path again. Be prepared to be cancelled on. But as someone who's been here before, I ask you not to give up on them if they do cancel. For some people the whole process of meeting up can feel too overwhelming and they will try cancelling or making excuses. Gently persevere with them, they're not being inconsiderate, they just can't quite face it yet.

One thing I'd love people to normalise is talking about coping mechanisms. A rather pretentious way of saying "things you do to keep you going". I seem to auto-deploy them these days when I get unwell. I like to meditate and practice yoga to try and calm the mind and align it to my breathing and be present in my body. I try to read. I make sure I make social plans, but also make sure I take time out away from the hustle and bustle. I have to say they're working a treat. Which may sound a bit hypocritical considering the fact I've said I've had one of the worst depressive episodes I've had in a long time, but the last time I felt like this was 2014 and I had to go on medication. Here I am finding myself in a better place without medical intervention, having managed through my coping mechanisms, and some brilliant people who arrived just as I needed them, whether they knew it or not.

It's a hard hard task managing your mental health. For some of us, it will literally be our life's work. But growth doesn't come from never having experienced difficulties, it comes from seeing those difficulties and working through them. I for one am always looking to grow, which means I must expect further difficulties on the way. My biggest offering to those needing help through their poor mental health is to explore and find your coping mechanisms. Even if that's just picking one person a day to phone or text or making one social plan each day. I can never ever stress the importance of some kind of physical activity. It's no surprise my mental wellbeing took an upwards turn the second I re-engaged with my yoga and started cycling again. The mind and body aren't separate entities. They should both be nurtured together.

Before I sign off, I want to say that if anyone reading this is wondering why I never reached out to you, I'm sorry. It's not that I don't value you, or see you as someone who can help. My brain was in a thoroughly irrational state, and didn't make rational choices. But I want you to know I got there. And I will always get there. I know nothing else but to fight this.

[iwasthereason]

The Beginning

“I can’t breathe”.

These are the three little words that changed my life.

It was July 28, 2020, cold midnight when I woke up with this heavy feeling in my chest. I picked myself up from the bed and started breathing -- but I can’t. Panic rose, both my hands and feet are cold. I walked for a bit, trying to calm myself and get all the air I can. ‘What’s going on? What’s happening with me?’ I asked myself over and over again. Then I stopped and this dreaded question came to my mind ‘did I get infected with COVID?’

Prior to this happening, I remember eating Budae Jjigae (Korean Army Stew) twice in the last two weeks as it’s my go-to comfort food when I don’t feel okay - who wouldn’t feel good after eating noodles with spicy broth, SPAM, sausages, fish cake, and Kimchi? Well, I was nursing a broken heart so I gave myself a break and indulged. I have also eaten Indian food twice in a month. I went back to smoking, not eating on time, and drinking wine at night. Simply put -- I wasn’t living the right lifestyle.

Going back to that night, I messaged a friend about what’s happening and we talked for a while. I calmed for a little bit. Then the feeling went back again. Now, I messaged my then ex-boyfriend and told him about my condition. We were supposed to be on a break but I was in the moment of panic and desperation so I reached out. He replied and we talked for a long time. It was an odd start, but somehow he was able to calm me down and we talked until I fall asleep (he said I snored haha). The day went by like a normal day, though it was still hard to breathe and I’m feeling very low in energy so I made myself tons of hot tea with ginger and lemon and drowned myself with lots of water.

Days and weeks passed and the feeling came on and off -- there are times that I’m feeling all better and moments when I feel like I’m being suffocated. I can’t sleep well at night, sometimes I’d be waken up with strong palpitations or most of the time just waking up after only getting an hour of sleep. I’ve bought all the medical checking apparatus I can buy from a thermometer, digital and manual blood pressure monitors, and oximeter. I’ve not had any fevers, sore throat, my blood pressure was okay - the highest was only that one night (130/70) but usual was 110/70. I have tried everything I could from drinking hot tea with ginger and lemon, eating vegetables and fruits, hot compress, drinking Vitamin C, tons of water, still, episodes of anxiety and difficulty in breathing occurred. I’ve not told any of my closest friends, not even my family as I don’t want them to worry. The situation’s draining me mentally, physically, and emotionally. At that point in my life, I started praying to God.

I pleaded to him in my language, “Lord, wag po muna ngayon. Ayoko pa po mamatay. Kawawa naman po sila Mama at Papa, kailangan pa po nila ako. Lord, please, wag po muna” (Lord, don’t do this now. I don’t want to die yet. It’ll be a pity for Mama and Papa, they still need me. Lord, please, not now”). I cried hard. I remembered when I’d tell everyone “pag oras ko na, oras ko na” (when it’s my time to die, it’s my time to die). I was so wrong for saying that. I am not ready to die.

August 7, 2020 at 3:00 PM, I started feeling bad. I can’t breathe, my hands and feet are cold, I’m panicking/anxiety attack. I told myself, I need to tell my friends now else, this could be that day I fear. So, I messaged my best friend and told her about my situation. She immediately sent me a rapid test kit (for COVID), masks and face shield. When I got the kit, I calmed myself. I was on a call with my boyfriend and started doing the test. We waited for around 12 minutes, it showed negative. Somehow, knowing that it resulted negative comforted me but it is common knowledge that rapid tests are not reliable, so, I still fear that I have it (COVID).

August 8, 2020, 2:00 PM, same scenario as the other day. I can’t breathe again, my hands and feet are cold, I’m panicking/anxiety attack. I decided to message my cousin who works in a hospital. I told her about my situation. She asked me some questions and asked me to go to the ER to get myself checked ASAP. And so I went to the nearest hospital - Chinese General Hospital. I arrived at 4:00 PM only to be told that they cannot admit me as my oxygen levels are normal. I softly insisted to get myself sent to the ER but the nurses told me that they can’t do that as I’m not showing any other symptoms -- unless I want to be in a ward full of COVID patients even though it’s not yet determined that I have COVID. So they suggested I go back the next day to get tested.

August 9, 2020, 6:45 AM. This day was excruciating. I arrived in the hospital at 6:45 AM with hardly any sleep as I was told to be there before 7:00 AM. So, I listed my name on the sheet, then the officer told me to go back at 2:00 PM as that’s the schedule for walk-ins. Somehow, this irritated me knowing that I had to wait for 7 hours to get tested, but I was already feeling tired so I decided to wait. My ex boyfriend kept me company for a while. Good thing I bought water with me, it kept me going while waiting. It was around 1:00 PM when the nurses started calling the names on the list. My name was called, got myself tested and went home. I had a funny situation during the test - I coughed so hard when the nurse swabbed my throat as it was super itchy. Two nurses looked at each other and told me to put back my mask on my mouth. I got anxious as I’ve not seen anyone coughed when they were being swabbed.  

August 10, 8:30 AM. The hospital texted me that my results will be up in 10-15 minutes. Waited and tried a couple of times. I was cooking my breakfast when they messaged so I told myself to sit first just for good measure. So, I went to bed, sat there, clicked the link and added all necessary information. I opened the file and to my relief, the test showed negative. I cried to the Lord. It was an overwhelming feeling of thankfulness. I called my best friend and told her about the good news. I messaged my cousin as well. I told my boyfriend about it too. I was able to breathe again. Praise God!

But, I had a hard time breathing again. This time, I thought it could either be my heart, lungs, or thyroid (mom had thyroid issues). Reading all the symptoms, I was sold that I had a thyroid problem. So I talked to a doctor (endocrinologist) about my situation and she told me to do a general check up. I went to a diagnostic center and got myself checked - blood, x-ray, and ECG. The results came the next day and saw that I’m super unhealthy. Thyroid is out of the picture as mine’s normal. I’m borderline diabetic. Cholesterol though is normal. Good cholesterol is low. Heart and lungs are normal. I was confused what’s causing the breathing issue until I told the doctor that I feel a lump in my throat whenever I try to swallow, but there's actually nothing there when I try to drink water. It’s when she mentioned GERD, a disorder I knowingly feel is the cause all of the issues I experienced - I’ve talked to my ex boyfriend about me being acidic and could be a reason for why I’m feeling sick. All the symptoms blinked Green when I researched about it:

Difficulty in breathing

Sensation of a lump in your throat

Disrupted sleep / trouble sleeping

Anxiety

Chest pain

Difficulty in swallowing

Trouble eating normally

Weight loss

It all made sense to me why I had those symptoms and the exact time I experienced those - I’ve been drinking lemon water (lemon is a citrus, thus a no-no to me), I ate very spicy Indian food, drank wine, smoked, took acidic Vitamin C (I was drinking twice a day previously cause I thought it was COVID) and ate noodles. All these made my acid worst.

Now, what I need to do is change my lifestyle drastically. This means cutting out all the bad habits like smoking, drinking alcohol, eating spicy foods or any food that will aggravate my acid situation. I need to exercise daily, eat fruits and vegetables that are high in alkaline, drink lots of warm/hot water, eat lean meat, and make sure I only drink non-acidic Vitamin C (sodium ascorbate).

I’m very thankful to God because if not for that night, I would not know that I’m already at this certain state of my health. I still have time to fix my lifestyle and live for the better.

With this life changing experience, I’m urging everyone to never take their health for granted - young or old, fit or unfit. At one point, our bodies will surrender to our bad habits and it may never function like it was before. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, mine was a wake up call. I'm already forgetting about my relationship with God. He’s been faithful in providing all of my needs, even blessing me more than I deserve and I took it all for granted. I didn't even take a moment to express my gratitude and love for him. This experience has brought me closer to him. He’s always been there for me -- all the nights, hospital visits, getting myself checked, he used different people as channel of his love and assurance that I am not alone.

Praise God!

PS. This song has been my companion and source of strength since that day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_aIauL2xKA

[truerequitedlove]

Dark Butterflies

Genre: hurt/comfort

Warnings: hurt!phil, anxiety, panic attack, breakdown, phil has social anxiety n a bit of a panic disorder which stems from that

Word Count: 3.7k

In which Phil's introversion runs deeper than one might think, and it's been a rough few weeks of socializing. Could one meeting be all it takes to push Phil over the edge?

~•~•~

Phil woke up very much craving a lazy day. A day in which he could simply lie with his boyfriend and watch stupid television. They were done moving, done meeting with family. He wanted alone time. He certainly didn't want to have to be around strangers or have to work with others.

For quite a while, Dan had been the only one who didn't leave Phil mentally and physically exhausted after socializing with him. Even Phil's other closest friends left Phil tired and relieved after hanging out. Dan was the only one Phil could stand to be around practically 24/7.

It hadn't always been that way, however. Back in 2009/10, every time Dan finally left after being over, Phil was exhausted. He loved Dan and every second they spent together, of course, but he couldn't deny the tiny bit of relief he felt when he was able to be alone again.

Phil was 100% an introvert. Social situations easily drained him, even with is loved ones. And when expected to talk with strangers, his nerves often got the best of him. He was relieved to come into any alone time, even if it meant his friends leaving. Too many social situations could overwhelm him easily, and he often felt terrible during those situations when others seemed fine.

He'd been this way all throughout high school, but wasn't diagnosed with social- and later generalized- anxiety until he was 19 and in university. From there it was a lot more manageable, and Phil had a much easier time making friends.

Phil had told Dan about his condition before they met, and he was extremely understanding. Dan gave him space when he needed it, never pressured him into any situations Phil wasn't comfortable with, and made sure Phil didn't feel judged.

Dan had always had a few run ins with anxiety, so he understood, but he'd never had it as serious as Phil. Which led to Dan feeling terrible about coming to Phil with his problems for the first year and a half of their relationship because "you have it so much worse and don't need my crap, Phil." But they worked through that once Phil realized he'd been doing it.

Dan wanted to move in with Phil as soon as he could, already entirely committed to his and Phil's relationship, but Phil was a little more hesitant. It wasn't that Phil wasn't committed, he was. He was certain he'd never be with anyone else again. He'd fallen just as hard and fast for the boy as Dan did him. But sharing a living space with his boyfriend, seeing him everyday, could Phil handle never really having alone time?

Dan was his usual perfect understanding self when Phil explained his concerns. Dan promised he'd wait as long as Phil needed, and even suggested that they find a flat where they could have separate bedrooms so Phil could have his own space when he needed it.

After that conversation, Phil finally had the courage to start looking for places, and he and Dan moved in together before Dan's second year at university was to begin. Phil was glad he'd gotten over his silly fear, as Dan ended up needing his support a lot in the following year, and as their careers began to intertwine, they gained popularity by the thousand.

Things went downhill a few times, but, in the long run, Dan was always there for him when he needed it.

And in that way, Dan hadn't changed a bit. He was fairly tuned in to Phil's emotions, able to tell when his anxiety was bad. He talked Phil through the rare panic attack. And he still made sure that Phil had his space when he needed it. But nowadays, Dan was the only person Phil could spend all his time with without being anxious and exhausted.

Phil rolled over. He found that Dan was already up, and sighed. They had to go out today and meet with their management to discuss a possible new project.

Phil already felt anxious at the though of having to go out and engage in professional conversation with practical strangers. In fact, he was in such an anxious mood already, he wasn't even sure he wanted to see Dan. But, he knew that was just the anxiety talking, and once he did see Dan he'd feel better.

So, Phil forced himself out of bed and into the kitchen, trying to ignore the unease in his stomach. He found Dan already putting Phil's coffee on.

Dan noticed Phil enter and smiled. "Hey," He breathed cheerily, "Morning."

Phil groaned, leaning his forehead against Dan's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his slightly taller boyfriend, feeling a bit better when he had Dan's arms protecting him.

"Butterflies?" Dan asked softly.

Of course Phil's anxiety was nothing like the exciting jittery feelings you got when you talk to your crush or have your first kiss. Phil's butterflies were enormous, dark, pounding against his ribs and flying through his stomach at high speed. But they'd come to call Phil's anxiety this, as Phil didn't like blatantly stating his problem, but he could think of little other ways to describe it. Back when Dan had first met him, he'd described it as "dark butterflies," meaning the feeling you get when your anxious and excited, but much darker, much more sinister. Dan had promised he would chase away the butterflies. He'd kept good on that promise for the most part, and Phil couldn't be more grateful. Of course he didn't magically heal Phil or whatever crap they show you in movies. He just worked with Phil, talked him through his attacks, got him help, listened. He supported Phil while Phil did his best to help himself.

Phil nodded, as well as he could with his forehead pressed tot he top of Dan's shoulder. "I hate this," he breathed.

Dan was silent, wrapping an arm around Phil, running his back. Phil knew complaining wouldn't help, but he was so tired of feeling like this.

"You want your meds?" Dan asked, gently, thumb stoking Phil's arm.

Phil sighed. He had anxiety medication that was to be taken as needed. He was only meant to take it when he felt overwhelming anxiety, a possible panic attack coming on, or if he was panicking already.

"Yeah," he begrudgingly replied. He didn't want to feel like this all day, and they really couldn't get out of their plans.

Dan seemed relieved with his reply and gently pulled away to find the tablets in the bathroom medicine cabinet.

Phil got a coffee mug down, staring at the coffee maker. He tried to ignore the twisting in his stomach. Why couldn't he just have a normal day talking about his career with his management and getting excited over a possible new project?

He guessed he'd just a had a rough few weeks. With meeting with management, interviews being set up, still feeling like he'd just gotten back from playlist and vidcon, his vacation with his family. His family had visited yet again, and Phil was drained. He hadn't had enough time alone to make up for all the time spent around so many people. Phil's anxiety was due to spike soon.

"When was the last time we saw your psychiatrist?!" Dan called from the bathroom, hoping he was somehow wrong and they'd seen him recently.

Phil bit his lip, still not happy with the fact that he had to see a psychiatrist. He knew it was stupid to be embarrassed in front of Dan, but Dan didn't have to see a professional. Phil shook away those thoughts and thought on Dan's question. It had at least been a few months... "Why?" Phil replied nervously.

Dan returned to the kitchen, frown on his face. "I can't find any of your meds, I think we're out, love," Dan spoke apologetically.

"Oh," Phil mumbled, hands gripping his empty mug tightly.

Phil met with a psychiatrist every few months and he prescribed them more of the anxiety medication when needed. Phil had used quite more than usual over the past few months, and it made sense for him to be out.

"A-are you sure?" he asked, feeling the butterflies move faster and swirl in his stomach.

"I'm sorry, Phil, do you want me to call and cancel?" Dan asked, obviously concerned.

Phil thought a second and waved his hand. "I'll be okay. I can let you know if it gets bad, but I have breathing exercises and stuff. I'll be fine," he assured, smiling.

"Alright, but I'd skip the coffee. Caffeine won't help, sadly," Dan warned.

"The one good thing in my life," Phil over-dramatically cried.

Dan chuckled, heading off to get dressed. Phil turned off the coffee maker with a sigh and followed after Dan to get dressed himself. By the time they left the flat, Phil seemed better.

~•~•~

Dan gave Phil's hand a squeeze before they stepped out of the cab to enter the building and meet with their management. Phil gave him a smile, hoping Dan wouldn't worry about him.

It was pathetic. Phil was a grown man. He should be able to handle himself. He took a few deep breaths, trying not to let Dan know know anxious he actually was. He needed at least one of them to be able to pay attention to the meeting without worrying. Dan had a tendency to worry too much about taking care of Phil whenever Phil had an issue.

Dan sent Phil a reassuring smile before they entered the building, greeted by the familiar faces of some of the crew that joined them on tatinof, and the unfamiliar faces of other coworkers.

Phil was having a hard time focusing as he went on autopilot with his greetings and smiles, following them down the halls. He could hear Dan chattering animatedly with someone.

Phil instead focused on his breathing. He was glad that Dan was able to sort of take over. He'd grown a lot in that area. For a long time Phil had to be the adult, take care of the professional stuff, for the most part. But in the recent years, Dan allowed Phil to teach him how to take on more responsibility. Phil guessed that since Dan's own mental health had improved, he realized Phil needed to take a load off before his could improve as well. Whatever it was, Phil was grateful.

Most of the meeting went by without incident, mainly due to the fact that no one really interacted with Phil. Phil had just kept to the corner, nodding along, smiling politely. His anxiety didn't necessarily get better, but it didn't get worse.

At least until...

"Phil?" Dan asked.

Phil shook himself from his thoughts to find everyone in the room focused on him, staring at him expectantly. Why was everyone looking at him? What had he missed? Stop looking at me, please stop, why are you staring at me? What happened? Please don't look at me, oh God, leave me alone. He looked to Dan to somehow save him, and Dan's brow furrowed.

"Phil, you okay?" Dan asked, gently.

"Yeah, mate, you alright?" Another voice asked.

Everyone continued to stare at him expectantly, some murmuring among themselves. They're talking about me. I probably look so stupid. Fuck. Fuck. I can't speak. Why can't I speak?! The butterflies in his stomach beat their wings faster and faster.

Why had Dan called attention to Phil's discomfort? Why would he put Phil on the spot like that? Didn't he know how Phil was feeling? Why would he do that?!

Phil felt his breathing speed up and his eyes water, and he freaked out. He couldn't panic here, not in front of the people he worked with. Fuck, this was so embarrassing. He tried to focus enough to find the nearest exit. He got it within his sights and impulsively bolted for it. He needed out. He needed to get away. He needed solitude.

Phil walked quickly down the halls, staring at the floor as tears slipped down his cheeks. Every person he passed increased his heart rate and made his movements and breathing even more frantic. Finally he saw a sign for a bathroom and rushed into it, relieved in the slightest that he finally had somewhere to be alone.

He locked the door to the family bathroom, sinking to his knees in the corner and letting out a sob. His breathing was quick and shallow and he couldn't even think properly.

Fuck! What was he going to do now?

Dan glanced over at Phil when he didn't reply to the question he was asked. Dan frowned a little as he looked his boyfriend over. Phil looked even paler than usual, and he didn't seem to at all register that he'd been asked a question.

"Phil?" Dan asked, thoughtlessly, hoping to get Phil's attention.

Phil blinked, seeming confused. He looked around, obviously unsettled. Then he seemed to recognize the situation and a familiar look took over his expression. Dan recognized that look. Shit. Phil's anxiety.

Dan had let himself forget to worry about it while he was talking and planning. Phil had seemed content to sit alone and barley contribute. Dan thought that would get him through the meeting.

Phil looked to Dan desperately, and the rest of the world melted away as Dan stared at Phil. "Phil, you okay?" He asked, softly.

Someone asking a, "Yeah, mate, you alright?" brought Dan back to the real world and everyone else began murmuring concerns. Everyone was focusing on Phil, and Dan silently cursed himself for calling attention to Phil. This wouldn't help at all. Dan bit his lip, and Phil jumped up, running from the room.

Fuck.

Dan briefly explained that Phil hadn't been feeling well, and that he'd likely rushed to the restroom, to his coworkers before he hurried to find Phil. He sped down the halls of the building. He discovered a bathroom and found it locked. He listened carefully and, sure enough, he heard quiet breathy sobs.

"Phil?" Dan called softly.

Phil let out a sob when he heard Dan on the other side of the door. Dan had probably told everyone about Phil's disorder and panic. Dan was usually so good at being discrete. Did he not care anymore? Did he not notice how Phil had been on the verge of panic the entire time? Was Phil just a massive burden?

"Phil, love," Dan pleaded, "I'm so sorry, let me in?"

Phil was upset and scared and confused, but he knew he was shit at getting trough these without Dan, so he reached up with a shaking hand and unlocked the door. He sunk back into his fetal position against the wall, hyperventilating and shaking.

Dan opened the door and, upon seeing Phil's state, rushed to close it and get to his boyfriend's side.

"Oh God, Phil, I'm so sorry," Dan rambled, entry grabbing Phil's hands to pull them from his chest. "Cmon love, sit up, knees down," Dan requested. He needed Phil to keep his chest free and be able to fill his lungs even with the shallow breathing he was doing.

Phil did as he was told, really having no choice as Dan gently manhandled him into a good position.

"W-w-what d-did you-" Phil struggled to breath as he gasped out words. "T-tell," he added, still hyperventilating.

Dan was confused for a moment, but quickly gathered what he meant. "Oh, sh-sh-sh, love, I just told them you felt ill today, that's all," Dan reassured, thumbs storming over Phil's knuckles as he held his boyfriend's hands.

Phil was relieved at that, but his panic didn't ease in the slightest. He looked a wreck, hair sticking to his forehead with sweat, tears running down his cheeks, snot running down his upper lip, breathing quick and shallow, entire body shaking. Though, Dan had seen him in this position far too many times before.

Dan grabbed a few squares of toilet roll and held it to Phil's nose, cleaning him up a tiny bit. "Shhh, Phil, breathe," Dan coached, "Deep breaths, fill your lungs, then let it out slowly." Dan had both gotten used to, and would never get used to, this. He knew how to act and what to say, but that didn't stop his internal panic every time. The mantra in his head of oh my God, Phil's hurting. Fuck, I probably could've stopped this. Shit shit shit. He still had a hard time seeing Phil broken like this when Phil had always been his personal hero, his rock, the strong one. But like this, he looked so small.

Phil squeezed Dan's hands, needing to be grounded, to feel something that felt real in his confused and floaty state.

"Just breathe," Dan murmured, squeezing Phil's hands back. "You're okay. We're gonna go home, yeah? But first you've got to breathe for me."

Phil just wanted to go home, but he knew Dan was right. He needed to calm down first. He focused on breathing, still finding it hard to focus on anything. There was a ringing in his ears and he just wanted to sleep but he couldn't if he tried. It was much easier when he had Dan's calm, soft, voice to focus on.

"K-keep t-alk-k," Phil forced out through his tears and hyperventilating.

"Of course, of course, love," Dan spoke, sat crisscross in front of him and still holding Phil's hands away from his chest so it wasn't restricted. "Just breathe, Philly. You're doing so well."

Dan rambled praises, spoke about what they'd do when they got home, how excited he was for the new Game of Thrones.

Phil tried to take deep breaths, focusing on Dan. Dan's voice. Dan's face. His eyes flickered over Dan's face. Dan's freckles, a very few dark ones scattered here and there. Dan's lips, turned down slightly as he looked at Phil in concern. Dan's eyes, wide and watery as he talked Phil through. Phil always forgot how much his attacks actually affected Dan.

"That's it love," Dan praised, "You're fine. You're okay. I'm here, Phil."

Phil breathed in longer than he expected to be able to, held it for a few seconds, and then slowly let it go. He was a bit proud of himself, during a bad panic like this he normally took a long time to calm down, especially away from home. He sniffled.

"There you go. You're so strong, you're doing so well," Dan rambled, "I'm sorry. We should've stayed home. I'm sorry, Phil."

Phil just leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes. He was so exhausted now. "Can we go home?" he asked, voice shaking and sleepy, "I wanna...go home..."

Dan smiled sadly. "Of course, love, c'mere." He opened his arms and Phil fell into them, burying his face in Dan's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Phil whimpered, shaking having calmed now. It hadn't been he worst attack he'd had, but it'd been more than an average one. Panicking away from home always made it harder to calm down.

Dan frowned. "Don't be sorry, sweetheart, don't ever be sorry. This isn't your fault. I should've realized sooner. Cmon, love. We're gonna go home, watch some tv, and cuddle for the rest of the day, how's that sound?" Dan offered.

Phil sniffled and nodded. He stood on wobbly legs and moved over to the sink to splash water over his face. Dan set a hand on his lower back, rubbing softly. The silence wasn't the thick, anxious, uncomfortable, silence that Phil was used to. With Dan it was always the gentle silence, the kind that assured Phil he didn't have to say a thing.

Dan wrapped his arms around Phil from behind, hunching a little to rest his chin on Phil's shoulder.  They remained that way in silence as Phil's breathing completely leveled.

"Are the butterflies gone, now?" Dan asked softly.

Phil hummed softly. "If I try not to think, they're a bit quieter."

"That'll do for now," Dan spoke, kissing Phil on the side of the neck, "At least until we get home, then I promise to make it all better, okay?"

"Dan," Phil sighed, "We've talked about this. It's not your job to pick me up all the time."

"Phil," Dan retorted in the same manner, "We've talked about this. I want to be here to pick you up because I can't stand not doing something when I know you're hurting, and before you say something stupid, you're not a bother. You're never a bother. All I want to do is make things easier for you, because that's what you've always done for me."

Phil smiled a bit. "We always get so sappy after these don't we?" He asked.

"Well next time we're sappy, I'd prefer it to occur without this as the cause," Dan spoke, cracking a small smile. He squeezed his arms around Phil. "I love you," he murmured softly.

Phil smiled. "I know." That was the one thing Phil's anxiety could no longer touch. He knew Dan loved him, and no amount of overthinking would change that fact. Dan would always love him and he would always love Dan. That was just how it was. Dark butterflies or not.

When they got home, Dan would assure Phil he had nothing to be embarrassed about. He'd cuddle Phil until Phil's panic-induced exhaustion took over and Phil feel into a deep, blissfully dreamless, sleep. Dan would stroke Phil's hair, calling and making another appointment with Phil's psychiatrist.

It wasn't the best situation, but it was no way the worst. Dan was able to help Phil. Phil was able to recover from his episodes. They were able to manage it. With each other's support they'd work to tackle whatever messy situation their minds threw at them.

The End

(If u like this I have an idea for a prequel that takes place in 2012 and one that takes place in 2009I !! Lemme know if you'd like that ^_^)

[amongthesharks]

Twin Stars, Twin Hearts 2 (Bodhi Rook/reader)

Read on AO3: Here 

The first thing you notice is the massive pain running from your neck down your spine. You stir and it agitates it. There’s a muffled sound by you, in the darkness, then a cooling cloth on your cheeks and forehead. You feel your face twitch into a soft grimace and slowly open your eyes, blinking into the bright lights of what seems to be the cabin.

“Y/N…” The voice, Bodhi, says in confirmation of his own relief. “Kaytoo, she’s up.” He said into his comm. You turn your head to look at him. Someone wheezes, you realizes it’s you as your lungs burn with the large intake of breath. You try to move, but a hand steadies you. “Hey, no we are not doing that.” Bodhi softly, or is he talking normally and you just can’t hear clearly. Your eyes begin to slip close and he pats your cheek a few times. “Y/N, you have to stay awake. We’re almost back to Yavin. I think you have a bad concussion.”

“What…” The sound that comes through your throat is raspy and strained. Breathing stings and you start coughing and pain explodes through you. Bodhi mumbles to himself a moment and reaches out for a bottle and puts it to your lips. Gently, so gently, he lifts your head. You drink and the cool liquid seems to soothe you some. There’s a bit of silence, you feel like sleeping again but Bodhi begins to speak.

“We didn’t realize…” His mouth opens and shuts a few times. “We would have waited for you to be properly strapped… We found you crumpled in the gun well, smoke and blood. I only know so much about patching someone up... “ You look at him, trying to stay focused. Concern creases at his brow, he still seems a bit out of focus.

“Back…” More of a whisper than a question.

“Yeah, Looks bad. Not broken just.” His head tilts some and his brows furrow more, if that’s possible. “I’m just a pilot…” His mouth hangs and you smile, just a bit, and he softens.

“I’m tired, Bodhi…” You sigh, and let your head lull slightly to one side.

“No… no no. No sleeping.” He said in a slightly panicked tone. And you groan and try to move. “No moving. I promise, not much longer. Uhm…” he tries to push back his hair, nervous habit, but the cropped length keeps him from following through with it. “How’s your throat? Why… not tell me something…” You frown slightly, but talking might just keep you awake enough. K2 warbles over the comm, they must be coming out of hyperspace. You almost zone out thinking it over, looking at Bodhi’s hopeful face.

“In… Jelucan, I lived on a farm that raised muunyaks.” You smile at the memory. Your mother and you turning the munnyaks loose to graze when there was enough vegetation to do so. Helping you father with milking and birthing. “People used them… to go over mountains.” You swallowed thickly and began coughing again. You felt Bodhi’s arms around you, holding you still so you wouldn’t hurt yourself further. When the fit passed you slouched into him, a silence spreading through the room. Softly, his voice filled your ear.

“I was born on Jedha. Near the holy city.” You can feel sleep trying to take you, but though soft, his words hold a strange pain. Jedha. With the crater in half the world due to the Death Star. “My mother, she was beautiful. She wanted me to do great things and leave the planet. Do all the things she’d never be able to do.” He paused, easing you back down into a laying position. “She sold food in the market, the favorite stall of all the natives and pilgrims. Her hair always smelled of spices...” He trailed off again and blinked a few times, was he crying? No. But it was hard to tell, your vision was swimming a little.

“It’s okay…” You said giving his hand a limp pat. “It’s okay…” You don’t remember what happened from there as you seemed to slip back into darkness.

--------------------------------

You awoke in a panic, submerged in a bacta tank. Either the struggle or heightened heart beat bought a droid over to the tank. It went round the tank a moment, observing before draining the tank, releasing you from the substance. Now, you stand in nothing but damp underthings shivering as the droid takes your vitals.You’re mentally still in shock and you’ll still have some aches, but all the other damage has been healed. There had been damage to the lungs that the doctors were able to heal in enough time to not have lasting damage. There had been lacerations to your back, but the bacta healed that up well enough. That was the worst of the damage. It took two days in the tank, and they bring you up to speed on your health. The doctors help you to the med-bay sonic shower. You’d much rather have jumped in the river near by, you still feel like you have a film of bacta on you. Someone had brought a pair of your clothes over and you dressed in silence, testing your joints as you move. You thought you’d be leaving right away but instead, you find that you’re about to get a debriefing...from Cassian Andor who looks livid. He starts slowly, going over some parts of the mission, but it’s not long before he’s just exploding.

“What happened out there!” He seethes, his accent making his words more pointed. You realize now it’s less debriefing, more chiding.

“We made it back, with the information….” You start, though your mouth feels thick and cottony.  

“You compromised the mission. You’ve never given me problems before, Y/LN.” My last name? He’s really pissed. You glance down but Cassian was unrelenting, his finger jabbed at your shoulder. “It was the easiest mission-”

“She wasn’t on the roster!” You clap back, finding your courage for a moment. “I can’t know if someone's there if the roster isn’t up to date!” A wave of nausea falls over you, making your body sway a moment before charging forward. “We didn’t stick around, we left, I shot some TIEs and we got home.”

Cassian tried to grab your arm as you drew past, but you snatched it away and froze in your tracks. He stared at your back a moment, He’s probably wondering if he should continue ripping me a new one, you think, but don’t turn to face him. It seems to be a nonverbal stalemate, but Cassian is the first to relent.

“I’m going to send you a datapad with the rest of the debriefing. You will come to me in the morning and report, Y/LN.” He said curtly. He was mad, he had a right to be. You should have never faltered during the mission, kept walking right past the group keeping in complete character. But you never thought the past would come back to haunt you like that. You straighten a moment and then turn your gaze on Cassian.

“Yes…Captain Andor…” You sigh and wander out of Medbay to find your bunk. You may have just woken up but sleep, real sleep, is what you wanted now. Your feet carry you out of the bay and turn you down the hall. Bodhi is there, sitting on the floor with his head resting back against the cool temple walls. He’s murmuring to himself with his eyes closed, you only notice because you practically trip over him. You catch yourself on the wall and Bodhi snaps his eyes open and clambers up to standing, moving to help you. But you wave him off and laugh just a little.

“What are you doing?” You ask trying to look less tired and more okay than you are. Bodhi gestures vaguely behind him.

“You were out for a few days. I had heard you woke and…” He trails off losing his thoughts for a moment, then he seems to jump to a new line of thinking. “I told them to hold some food in the mess for you. They just finished breakfast.” His smile is boyish, relieved to see you standing mostly hale and hearty. You waiver just long enough to see his smile wane, he tucks his head some and takes a step back. “You probably have oth-”

“Hey, no, let’s go.” You say, mustering some brightness to your voice. “I’ll rest better on a full stomach.” You swing an arm over his shoulders, feeling him sway with the motion. The ache of moving to that extent pulls at you, but this way you could almost lean on him. “Catch me up. Cassian was a downright ass in there.”

Bodhi’s eyes widen some. “You should have heard him when we landed! Kaytoo was no help. And I thought Saw was scary? Cassian being crossed is even worse.” He joked, which made you smile abit. He’s starting to make jokes. It’s good, or you hope it’s good. Bodhi didn’t talk about those days much, you only knew what happened from debriefings and rumors.

“I’m sorry, it was my fault, it seems.” You said as you both turn a corner, some pilots wave in your general direction, and you wave slightly back. “I was in charge, it’s my blame. I let my guard down. Put you and his droid in danger. I’m sure the datapad his left me is puts me in scathing light.” You roll your eyes some and look back at Bodhi who seems to have just been smiling while you chattered on. You give a short puff of a laugh. “Rook, you need to grow your hair back out. You look like you’re twelve.” He looks aghast.

“I do not.” He subconsciously rubs his face over his cheek. His beard had just started to slowly come back in, a short sparse stubble. You free your arm from around him and muss up the back of his head. You can feel the patches that are missing, where the scars from Bor Gullet were. He seems to notice and shifts away from your touch. Your thoughts from the trip resurface in your mind. The terrors he’s been through still are close to the surface of his psyche.  He may be making jokes, but it still pains him, embarrasses him.

“A bit. Does make you look younger.” You say, trying to keep the levity going. Bodhi scratches above his ear in gentle thought as you reach the door. You thumb the code into the mess hall, the smell of food hits you. Where you didn’t think you were hungry before, you feel ravenous now. Moving to the whims of your stomach, you trip forward, taking lilting steps toward the serving area.

You don’t get a choice, though, in food. But Rin, a female Twi’lek, had saved a good portion off to the side, and an extra tray for Bodhi. You try not to frown, your plate had a lot of the food you tended to avoid. Rin catches the look and shakes a pale teal finger your way.

“Eat it, all of it.” Her accented tone was admonishing. Everyone had it out for you today. “I made sure I gave you all the things to make your strong.” She gave you a pointed look and you slowly withered under her gaze.

“Yes, alright, Rin. I get it.” You mumble and smile, just a bit anyway. “Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, thank your friend.” She pushed one her her lekku behind her shoulder, a Twi’lek version of a hair flip and walked to finish cleaning up. You take up the trays, and walk to where Bodhi had settled at. His leg bounced, his fingers drumming near his temple, anxiously working through something. You stride over, settling his tray down which startles him out of his thoughts, then your own. You have mostly greens, seems like that was the most left behind thing. Rin swore that these greens had more protein than the meat they served here but you were sure the meat tasted better.

“Thank you.” He said gently and you snort softly.

“No, thank you. I would have just gone to bed hungry.” You muse and push around the greens on your plate, finding the few bits of meat hidden in the meal.

“You were going to bed? But you just got out of the tank.” Bodhi noted curiously, leaning over his food some to eat, he didn’t care what it was, food was food and it was better than some of the food he’d get in imperial service. You would know. Pilots didn’t get the best meals, just fast ones.

“Yeah but I want real sleep.” You say tearing off a piece of the bread to sop up some juices. You don’t want him to worry about it or think on it long. “Tell me more. Was the data we got helpful?” You ask quietly and and stuffed the sopping bread in your mouth. Bodhi bobbed his head a few time, working through his bite of food before pointing his fork your way.

“It was. It got us updated base points, and we may be able to move bases soon. The Empire is still reeling from… from what we did.” He frowns a moment. You share that cold feeling too. There were people you knew, good people, on the Death Star when it went down. This was war, though, and it sometimes made you stomach turn. Both sides have done things they’re not proud of. You brush your fingertips over his. Go on, you try to say, silently.

“They are going to send out a scouting party to a few potentials. But I’ll be sad to leave all this. It’s so green.” He laughs a moment and you grin at him, sharing that sentiment.

“This Moon has been a good place, I enjoy how different it is from home. I don’t miss the dry cold of the mountains.” You snort at that. “I hope the new base is just as warm.”

“I don’t miss the cold at all.” He said excitedly. “I mean, home, yeah I miss home.” He said stumbling a bit over his words but he picked it right back up. “But cold desert nights? Terrible.” He waves his hand in the air as if shooing it all away. Then he’s laughing. And so are you as you double over a bit. You both see glimpses of yourselves before the war, a brief moment of being carefree. In your laughing you give a few ‘ow-ow-ow’s and rub at your sides. “You alright?” His voice still chipper, a grin tugging at his lips.

“Yeah, just a bit tender still.” You sigh and stab some more greens onto your fork. “Thanks Bodhi. Really.” You two both smile, a fall into a comfortable silence, and eat your meals.