#and I can remember the day my uncle died better than any other day of my childhood

[bitchybylershipper]

k here's what I've been thinking... maybe it's probably not so normal to be constantly replaying the moments in my life where I realized the people I've lost were gone for good

[missnxthingg]

𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬, 𝑭𝑹𝑶𝑴 𝑨𝑳𝑳 𝑭𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑪𝑶𝑹𝑵𝑬𝑹𝑺 𝑶𝑭 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑳𝑫 . (𝑺𝑴𝑨𝑼 𝑽𝑬𝑹𝑺𝑰𝑶𝑵) - 𝑆𝐼𝑋 (𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑛𝑒)

𝑨𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓'𝒔 𝑵𝒐𝒕𝒆 - We finally arrived to the last chapter. I'm so happy you guys came along this journey and this is a wholesome story (that you'll only understand if you read the actually fanfic. Thank you so much for coming along the road, I hope to see you in more of my stories soon.

original chapter | series masterlist | main masterlist | taglist | pt 2

yourusername

Monte Carlo, Monaco

yourusername new home, who dis?

tagged: landonorris

username1 OMG they moved in together 😭

username2 it's so emotional to see little lando and y/n going from best friends to living together

↪ username3 i know right? 🥺 the best slowburn/best friends to lovers story

username4 We just know Y/N decorated the cutest house in Monaco for their little family

↪ username5 our girly has the best taste ❤ i mean, look at her boyfriend ↪ username6 She posted a little bit of the house of her stories and oh... it's beautiful

maxfewtrell I want to visit the new house

↪ yourusername ur welcomed any time ❤

landonorris sleepovers every night with the prettiest girls! ❤

↪ yourusername i love you muppet

landonorris

landonorris Five years ago, my best friend blessed me with another tiny best friend. I remember when I held Olivia in the arms for the first time, and I never felt so connected with someone. She taught be that love is more than blood and heritage, it's about being there and showing that you care. She taught me the purest form of love, and slowly turned me into a better person. Today, I feel proud to officially, and legally, call her my daughter. Thank you for chosing me as your daddy. I promise to love and take care of you until the end of of my days.

yourusername I'm so proud of you! And I'm so glad to officially call you Ollie's father. I love you both so much, and I love our family

↪ landonorris I love you so much ❤

username1 HE ADOPTED OLLIE 😭

username2 Daddy Norris, oh God 🥺

username3 i can't believe he decided on adopting ollie, they are so cute!

↪username4 i mean, it was a long time coming. he has always been olivia's dad ↪username5 now we get to see daddy lando content, i'm so ready

maxfewtrell Proud of you, mate! Now I can officially be Ollie's favourite uncle since you're stepping down from this position

↪landonorris You can take it, mate ❤ love you

martingarrix So cute! Congratulations to you and to Y/N. You have the prettiest family

↪landonorris I love you, mate ❤ ↪yourusername Thank you so much, Marty!

username6 Can we please have one more kid soon? 🥺

↪username7 ughhhh i would KILL for a baby norris ↪username8 just imagine ollie as a big sister, so cute! liked by the author

maxverstappen1 Congratulations, mate! She's the cutest, and you're gonna love it

georgerussell63 Daddy Norris! Well done ❤

lewishamilton Sending my love to you and Y/N ❤ congratulations!

oscarpiastri Putting more crayons on my backpack to keep little Ollie entertainned ❤ Happy to see your family taking form. Congratulations!

↪yourusername Love you, Osc! (Ollie says thank you for the crayons) ↪landonorris Thank you, mate!

carlossainz55 Congrats, Cabrón! Love to you, Y/N and Olivia. Proud to see how far you've come since drooling over her in your rookie year

↪username9 they really love each other for the longest time 😭

charles_leclerc Sending love to you three! Hoping to meet you soon in Monaco so Ollie can play with Leo

↪ alexandrasaintmleux please ❤ it will be the cutest ↪yourusername Play date soon! ❤

yourusername

yourusername my favourite boy became a daddy today, so we threw him a party with cake and everything ❤ i love you so much, super dad

tagged: landonorris

landonorris I love you more, love of my life and mother of my children

↪username1 CHILDREN? AS IN PLURAL? ↪username2 Mr Lando Norris, do you have something to tell us? ↪username3 guys, if y/n is pregnant i'm going to be the happiest person alive

f1gossip

f1gossip Baby Norris on the way! Y/N L/N is already in Australia for the race and was seen walking around Melbourne with a big belly. Recently, Lando adopted her first born, Olivia, and raised rumours about them expecting a second child. Looks like the fans were right

username1 WE ARE SO READY FOR THIS

username2 oh my god, i can't believe we finally to have a little baby for lando and y/n

↪username3 for real 😭 it feels like it was just yesterday since we were hoping they would eventually get together

username4 he's going to be the prettiest dad

username5 Lando's already a simp for Y/N, now pregnant Y/N will be his muse

↪username6 YES! ❤ this boy will worship her like she deserves it

yourusername

yourusername Unfortunately, I cannot fit into my old clothes anymore, so I guess there's no more hidding this big monster I've been growing in my belly

tagged: landonorris

landonorris THE PRETTIEST BABY MOMMA

landonorris Look at my girllll ooof 🥵

↪yourusername I love you, muppet

username1 THEY REALLY ARE EXPECTING A BABY 😭

↪username2 we got a double daddy lando in a year, this is so cute 🥺 ↪username3 I'm so proud to see how far they've come

maxfewtrell This is the best news! Can't wait to meet my goddaughter

↪username4 MAX IS GOING TO BE THE GODFATHER 😭 ↪username5 a cicle is complete ❤ i'm super proud

lilyzneimer Congratulations, you beautiful! I can't wait to see one more mini you around the garage

↪yourusername Love you, Lils ❤

oscarpiastri Oh God, they are reproducing. Lord have mercy... Congrats, btw!

↪landonorris i'll be training my kid to terrorize your life ↪yourusername boys...

flonorris1 Auntie loves her baby bunny already ❤ love you all

↪landonorris Love you sissy ❤

zakbrown Future McLaren driver in the oven 🧡 Congratulations to you both!

carlossainz55 Can I already start my campain as favourite uncle?

charles_leclerc The cutest! Congratulations, you guys!

alex_albon Sending you lots of love from me and Lily ❤

yourmother One more for the batch ❤ I love you

↪yourusername I love you, mommy ❤

maxverstappen1 I knew you were hidding something! Congrats, anyway ❤

lewishamilton Congratulations to your beautiful family ❤ It will be lovely to see another tiny Y/N around the paddock

georgerussel63 Carmen and I are literally screaming out of cuteness ❤ Congratulations!

landonorris

landonorris Welcome to the world, Emma Norris

tagged: yourusername

yourusername My heart ❤

username1 She looks so much like Lando!!!

↪username2 the spitting image!

↪username3 Olivia is just like Y/N and Emma is just like Lando

username4 We already have a picture of Lan sleeping with baby Em ❤

↪username5 He truly blessed us this time

yourmother She's beautiful! Congratulations, my loves ❤

↪landonorris We love you, Mrs L/N

oscaspiastri The cutest ❤ sending love to you both

carlossainz55 She has your nose, cabrón. Can't wait to meet her

maxfewtrell Look at my beautiful goddaughter ❤ I love you, brother

⋘ 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 // 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ⋙

[inlovewithregencyera]

transcript under cut : )

Paelford House

July 8th, 1818

*Aurelia sniffling and starts softly crying*

*Aurelia starts violently sobbing*

July 8th, 1808

Auglire Castle

Robert: Sugarplum?

Robert: Sugarplum, where are you?

Robert: And why is it so damn dark in here?

Robert: Sugar?

Robert: Aurelia, please come out. It's your birthday and I have a surprise since nobody else in this damn castle seems to care.

Robert: Aurelia..?

*Aurelia sniffles*

Robert: There you are my dear. Whatever is the matter?

Aurelia: Leave me be Uncle Bertie. I wish to be alone today.

Robert: No, no I won't do that. It's your birthday and your foolish da-forgive me, your foolish parents can't seem to remember. Your mother is still in her bed and not dressed and your fool of a father has been off riding since the crack of dawn, which is never good, he always does that when something is troubling him.

Aurelia: He's been going off riding for long periods every morning since....you know.

Robert: Yes, I know how he reacts to death but he has other children to attend to as well. Mama says he's worse than when our Father died. Had I known it was this bad here I wouldn't have been in the city so long...

Aurelia: *wiping eyes* Well, if you should know, I asked that for my birthday nobody did anything or mentioned it, so it's not their fault. All I asked for was to be alone.

Robert: Well, I'm not respecting that wish. You don't need to be alone, especially on your birthday. None of them have any sense to realize that.

Aurelia: *sniffles* But I WANT to be alone. No birthday will ever be the same again without her. I hate my birthday.

Robert: Well I love your birthday and would like to celebrate it with you and that's why I've came all the way from Winshire. Since those fools haven't prepared you a cake, you and I will go to the sweet shop and get sorbet.

Aurelia: Why should I enjoy any sweets if she never will again? It's my fault, I-

Robert: No, sugar, quit saying that. If you'd like to blame anyone then let it be me, I can bear it. I can't bear you thinking it's your fault though.

Aurelia: But it is…

Robert: *sitting down* No, no its n-*back cracks* NOT!

Aurelia: *softly giggling*

Robert: I'm glad my pain amuses you. If I could break every bone in my body a million times just for you to be happy, I would.

Aurelia: You don't mean that.

Robert: I mean it with my whole heart.

I love you, and I do hate seeing you sad. I too, know how it feels to lose a sister, you know?

Aurelia: *sniffles* Yes, yes I know.

Granny doesn't speak about her that much, neither does Papa.

Robert: They do that because it's easier for them. It's been nearly forty years, and I assure you not a day goes by where they don't think of her. I think of her everyday, and was only eight when she passed.

Aurelia: *softly* What was she like?

Robert: *smiling* Georgiana was a lot like you, believe it or not. She was kind, compassionate, and a little shy. But she didn't really prefer naturally feminine hobbies such as embroidery, cross stitching, or anything to deal with music and that upset our Mama a lot. My Father adored her, because she shared his interests. Before bed, she would often scare your Papa and I with silly ghost stories and don't tell him I told you this, but he once got so scared he wet himself in his nightgown.

Aurelia: *hysterically laughing* Really?

Robert: Yes sugarplum, really. He was around your age when this happened.

Aurelia: *sitting on lap* Uncle Bertie?

Robert: Yes sugarplum?

Aurelia: Does it get any better?

Robert: What do you mean?

Aurelia: Will I ever stop feeling so…sad?

Robert: The pain won't go away, but in time, you'll learn how to manage it better. You won't feel so sad everyday when you're older, it'll just be some days.

Aurelia: But will I ever feel happy again?

Robert: Of course you will sugarplum! You will have many happy memories in your lifetime, trust me. The happy ones outweigh the bad ones, I know it's hard right now, but I promise you eventually it'll get better, *kisses cheek* alright?

Aurelia: Alright. Can we still maybe get sorbet..?

Robert: We will go right now. *picking up* I'll even buy you a whole cake for yourself, how does that sound?

Aurelia: *gasp* Really? But what will Papa say?

Robert: He won't know. Perhaps we will buy him one too, he might need it.

Aurelia: I think Papa needs more than a cake!

Robert: At this rate...I think he does too. We will worry about him tomorrow though, today is your birthday, not his.

Bridget: Aurelia…?

Bridget: *grabbing face* Aurelia.?

Aurelia: *pushing away* Why are you in here..?

Bridget: I couldn't sleep well, my room is too hot. Yours is always cooler...

Aurelia: *sniffling* You always say this when you want to sleep with me.

Bridget: Well, perhaps I do, but I can't because you're upset! What's wrong?

Aurelia: Why does everyone have to die?

Bridget: Is this about Harriet?

Aurelia: Uncle Bertie.

Bridget: Oh, I miss him too Aurelia. What made you think of him today?

Aurelia: I remembered how he took me for sorbet on my birthday ten years ago.

Bridget: Aurelia, it's alright. *caressing cheek* You know he wouldn't want you to be like this, you can't say he would.

Aurelia: No, *wiping eyes* no he wouldn't.

Bridget: It'll be alright Aurelia. Tonight will be the best birthday of your life and I'll make sure of it!

Aurelia: *sniffles* Oh please don't say this will be the best one. I'm already sad today, I would like to at least hope for one birthday in the future where I wake up happy and not cry.

Bridget: Fine. It will be ONE of the best birthdays of your life. *grinning* Is that better?

Aurelia: A little.

Bridget: You shall dance with your future husband, and all is well!

Aurelia: *smirking* I do hope you’re right.

Bridget: When am I not?

Aurelia: Well..

Bridget: *giggling* No do not answer that.

Now, let us both go back to sleep!

Aurelia: I suppose you mean not to sleep in your own bed?

Bridget: Yes! *climbing in bed* It's too much trouble to walk back.

[verdemoun]

Gonna ask about more Jack and John content pls sir. I dont remember if I said this before but I was in shock when you told that Isaac have dark hair, always imagine him a blondie like Arthur, but I fine with that. Also I think that Arthur can see that John is trying to get along with Jack, so when Jack ask if he can go with them to their father-son activits, Arthur have to unhappily say no, because it was suppost to Jack do that with John, and not use that as an escused to avoid John ( sorry about my bad inglesh, but I just relearned my art skills so I wanted to draw something of your AU) ❤

thank you! i thought it would be fun having a different isaac, considering eliza's reconstructed model had black hair very similar to mary it would be fun having a black haired isaac. also i always would've had isaac dye his hair black because he's emo and because physically i imagine he is really similar build to canon era arthur so they needed some obvious differences. just born ready to carry boundies over his shoulder.

Arthur can see John trying but he can also see how a lot of the time that trying backfires. Maybe John just has more daddy issues than Arthur but as much as John tried to change post 1907 for his family, the new John still wasn't quite the person Jack needed.

Because of this, there's a lot of things Jack would actually refuse to do with John but with Arthur he would happily go. Also spite. For example, if Isaac bullies Arthur into letting Jack come camping with them, Jack will just sit by the campfire reading while Isaac, Charles and Arthur go off for their usual father-son symbolic hunting of deer. He might join in campfire stories later or have a few swigs of beer but he actually hates hunting and fishing - which is what John associates with camping.

Maybe it's because Jack is just a gay little bookworm. Surely anyone who's ever spoken to him knows it, because Jack would never willingly admit it, but he's just - soft. He wasn't meant to be a gunslinger in every way. John knows that better than most!! He loves his son. John absolutely loves his son. All those times he sat there and listened to Jack ramble about books, completely overjoyed to see his son happy? But he never knew how to tell Jack it was because he loved seeing his son being himself, and happy! He knows his son is too soft and sensitive for his own good which is why he really believed Jack was safe FROM becoming an outlaw - yet he did.

Jack needs people so much. He's been isolated his whole life. He lost most of his family, the gang, in 1899. He got that diet child of divorce experience in 1907, lost his sister, the only other non-adult in his life, in 1910, his dad and Uncle in 1911, and mother in 1914. No one has ever just been there for Jack. He needs someone to be there for him, to understand how difficult it was for him, little gay bookworm Marston, to become an outlaw, how much he tried to be an outlaw because that's the only way he knew how to 'be a man' thanks to John.

John just. Can't be a boy dad. At least not Jack's dad. He has too many of his own issues, 90% of them are daddy issues. He doesn't know how to bond with a gay little bookworm. The days where he gets it wrong far outweigh the days he gets it right. He's fucked up too many times. Even when he tries to show interest in Jack's writing, Jack will snipe back with 'I thought they were just silly stories' because he remembers something John said in anger not even directed at him but about him in 1907. John knows how to bond with an outlaw, a bastard as rough as him - and it shows because he gets along with Isaac great. He doesn't know how to be friendly with his own son, and especially after timewarp Jack isn't willing to give him any more chances.

It's an everyone sucks. Jack knows he shouldn't have become an outlaw. He's ashamed of himself, deep down, for 'throwing away' the life so many people died to give him a change to. And John's ashamed of him for the exact same reason and it's really hard for John Marston to not wear his emotions. He might not be emotional but he's honest. If he's mad, you know he's mad.

Like god damnit Jack wants someone to be proud of him and say it's okay. That even if he thinks (or knows) it was a mistake, he did his best. He did what he thought was the right, what he was raised to think was right, because he saw John fall into the cycle of revenge and redemption over and over again so what else was he meant to do? But John - even if he said it, knowing how much Jack wants to hear it, it wouldn't be true and Jack would know.

Jack is a lot more sensitive than even modern era boys would let themselves be, let alone a 19th century outlaw, and John's judged him or let him down too many times, angsty teenage bullshit or not, for Jack to readily give him another chance. I say sensitive but I really mean Jack Marston is serving petty ass punk bitch.

Arthur would try very hard to help John out, try to give him tips on how to talk to Jack or offer to go on out father-son group things because Jack and Arthur? Great relationship! Arthur might be as emotionally intelligent as a lump of rubber, but he gets being creative and at least will give Jack the space to read and write without judging him. Sometimes it's nice, the strange days there's an activity they'll all enjoy (usually involving fire). Most of the time though, if Jack and John are talking without screaming it's because one or both of them are drunk.

[imtheiliad]

NOTHING BUT WELL WISHES for all my Ali girlies <3 title from dorothea by taylor swift. idk i got bored and wrote this. small tw for mentions of cancer.

If you have a moment and are so inclined, spare a thought for past loves you've long left behind. For if you read their thoughts it might surprise you to find, just how often you've been on their mind. ~Renata Suzuki

Buck sees her in a Starbucks a month after he died. 

Her hair is longer now, back to blonde. But other than that, the same as the day she left him on that couch. 

It’s the twenty four hour Starbucks by the hospital, he had a check in appointment, they like to do that when you die. 

His name is called and she turns to find him and her smile is the same as it was four years ago. 

“I had a feeling it was you,” she says as he leans forward to grab the to-go cup from the counter. She takes him in, assessing his state.

“Hi,” he smiles brightly, of all his exes, she was the one he could still smile about. Her leaving hurt, but he understood. But something tugged in his chest, telling him to talk to her. It wasn't the ache of a past love awakening– it was just good to see her face, know that she ended up okay, “Actually, do you have a minute– I would love to catch up. Just, you know as friends.” There was something about the way her hair was piled on the top of her head, and now that he was closer he could see her eyes were weary and tired. 

Her shoulders sagged and she let out a breath, “Yeah, I think that would be nice actually.” 

They sit in the quiet corner, and it’s awkward for a moment,

“Are you still a–” 

“Where have you–” 

And they both laugh and its freeing and they both settle into their chairs a little more. 

Buck ducks his head and smiles, “Yeah, I’m still a firefighter. And an uncle!” He pulls out his phone and brings up his favorite picture of him and Jee, it’s a selfie, both of them with ice cream smeared across their faces.

“Oh she’s adorable, Maddie and Chimney must be so happy.”

He smiles and nods as he puts away his phone. 

“I had a project in New York recently which was really exciting– stressful but so rewarding. And I’ll be in Chicago next, then I think San Francisco called,” she laughs.

“Busy as ever. What brings you back?” 

Her body softens, “My sister, she– she’s not doing well. We thought that she was off the hook you know– beating cancer at 15? But guess not. It came back. So I kind of live over there right now,” she gestures across the street with her head. 

“Ali, I--”

“I swear to God if the next sentence is pity, I can’t take any more of it.” 

He just takes her hand and squeezes it tight. 

“If you ever need a real bed and a home cooked meal, you know where I live. I mean it. 

“You haven’t moved?” She asked, wiping a stray tear away. 

“It’s kind of complicated right now. I do technically live there. But, uh I have spent the better majority of the last month at Eddie’s.” 

“Is he okay? Didn’t almost die right?” 

“I mean, he did but that was two years ago.” 

A quizzical expression crosses her face.

“Do you remember how there was that sniper?”

And he watches as the dots connect. 

“He’s okay now, and I helped him recover from that."

She tilts her head with the questions, “You haven’t almost died again have you?” 

And he stills. There was no almost about it.  He’s never had to tell anyone that he died. Everyone important to him had known before he did. He supposes that is a very exclusive club to be a part of, being able to tell people that you died. 

He clears his throat, “Well, um, I–kinda died a month ago?” He lets out a breath because he can. And she looks at him with wide eyes, “I’ve had close calls too, but–”

“Buck, that–”

“I know.”

Something shifts and he looks behind him and looks up to find Eddie looking around the store, eyes finally landing on Buck, an ounce of tension leaving his shoulders as he walks over. 

He tilts his head, “Ali?” 

She smiles up at him, “Hi, Eddie. It’s good to see you.” She gets up from the table. “I should head back. It was really good to talk, Buck.”

“I meant it. My number hasn’t changed either so just let me know and we will figure something out okay?” 

She nods and squeezes his hand one more time.

He watches her leave, his lip stuck between his teeth. 

[smute]

idk why ive been thinking about my grandma so much lately. shes been dead for a few years. but im thinking about getting a replica of the silver signet ring she always wanted me to have. the original was unfortunately lost during one of her later hospital stays, so the idea isn't new, but i never put it into action.

[oversharing below]

it wasn't particularly valuable but it meant a lot to her and even though she wasn't a big jewelry person she never ever took it off. that ring is something i associate very strongly with her. she didn't leave us much else and was buried in an anonymous grave (according to her wishes) so i don't really have anything to remember her by, which i think is beginning to bother me more than i thought it would. the ring was the only thing she had that belonged to her (much) older (half) brother who died when she was little. she just had it resized and engraved with her own initials and for as long as i can remember she'd always talked about how one day i would do the same, and how i'd be able to keep one of the letters because her first name (loni) and my last name (redacted) both start with an L.

now when i say her brother died i mean that his SS ass was blown to bits in russia in 1944 which was unequivocally a good thing given his convictions. but this is where it gets more complicated. it does feel a little weird that the only real family symbol would have such a tainted backstory. at the same time i feel like it somehow adds to the... authenticity? i have no interest in whitewashing my own history through selective memory. idk. in any case, the ring (for me) would primarily be a symbol of the memory of my grandma, whom i loved very much, not of some great uncle that i never met. he did mean a lot to my grandma though, who was 7 years old when he died and closer to 5 years old the last time she saw him alive. she idealized him as a protective older brother. knowing her politics, and given the fact that she cut ties with other (known) nazi relatives, she likely had no idea of the extent of his nazi commitment. that is something my mom found out about after her mother's death through her own research in the federal archives.

so. given all this, and given the fact that the real thing was either lost or stolen 6+ years ago, the whole idea of getting a copy of the ring (of which i don't even have a proper photo) feels a little... silly. still i wonder, if it's meant to be a symbol, does it even matter if it's the same piece of metal or a different one? she was as nomadic as i am, and without a proper gravesite the idea of a little memento that i can always carry with me just seems so perfect. i cant think of a better way to honor her memory. and yet

[allisonreader]

It's been a busy past four days. From going out of town for my brother's graduation, to watching a streamed funeral for the last of my mom's aunts, to driving a family friend to a different city and back home today. Well, I guess technically that's been over the course of five days. It's still a lot. Especially when a lot of it is dealing with higher level emotions/draining of the social battery.

For my mom the funeral was hard, not even so much for the fact that it was her last aunt who died, but it struck her in particular about the emphasis that was put on how much she loved her grandkids and great grandchildren. When my brothers and I NEVER had that. My mom's mom died when she was only 21 due to breast cancer, so none of us knew her. Though my mom knows that she would have doted on us. Her dad and her had a strained relationship and had pretty much moved out of province as soon as my grandmother had died. Though all things considered, he was a pretty decent Grandpa. He always made sure each of us got a card on our birthday and a card at Christmas. We usually saw him at least once a year whether it was at Christmas, him visiting us in the summer or later us visiting him in the summer. Even if it took us two days to get to where he was.

My dad's parents were closer, only a five hour drive instead of a two day one, but they barely grandparented. Grandma in particular didn't have much to do with us and didn't like mom. Grandpa was a little better, as he was slightly more active and intent on being a grandparent, but let's just say crying didn't happen at either of their funerals by my brother's or I. How do you mourn for people you barely knew? Any from us was more for what could have been or those who were closer to him.

The most grandmotherly figure that I had and knew was my cousin's grandmother. She died at the beginning of COVID, right around Easter time. Her death was the hardest out of them all. Even just writing this has me teared up completely because she truly was the closest person we had to a grandmother. And because she died during the peak of lockdowns I never got to go to a funeral or memorial for her like I always expected to. She felt like just as much as family to me as any of my other grandparents, but in a way more than that too. As she was almost always around when we went over to my Aunt and Uncle's. We saw her at Easter, we'd see her at Christmas. We got to enjoy her baking. She was truly such a loving and caring woman who was a social butterfly.

While you're reading this, you can't really see how many times I've stopped to have a cry about my surrogate grandmother. Which has been a few and she's been the only one that I've actually cried for, and she's not even technically my grandmother, but she sure took the place of one.

The thing is, she takes such an important place in my heart without even ever having given me a direct gift. Just being around her and her love was enough of a gift (and her baking).

The one time, when I was already an adult, I had to drive my mom to the city that my Aunt, Uncle, and grandmother figure lived for medical reasons. During that trip, I along with my cousin and her cousin (who for the longest time I thought was my cousin as well, just because I always saw her at my actual cousin's place) were invited to their grandmother's place for lunch. That was the first time I truly understood what going to grandma's house could be like. It was such a revelation to me, because I had never had such an experience like that one before. I felt so loved with these three people I had known all my life as I was encouraged to eat more than I could fit. So different from what little I could remember of my own grandmother who had died years before and showed preferential treatment to other cousins.

I can remember both the last hug with my grandmother figure and my paternal grandma. Both were long, but grandma's was long and awkward (at least to me, I haven't a clue how she felt, but we both knew it was likely her last hug.) . While grandmother figure's was long, slightly to the point of awkward, but filled with such love and care, knowing that while it might not be the last hug, it definitely could be. And I think it probably was. But oh I still love her so much and miss her. Which is why writing all of this up about her is making me cry.

I'm far off the point that I originally intended, which is not directly related to my grandmother figure, but due to the fact that beyond her, my brothers and I really didn't have a big grandparent influence on us. All of our great grandparents were long dead by the time us kids came around and my mom always hurt for us kids for what we didn't have in the way of missing grandparents. But as I told her yesterday, we didn't know any different. To us, distant grandparents was all we knew, and my brothers knew that even more than me. And when you don't know what you're missing, then it can't bother you. I really only started to learn about how active some grandparents were in their grandkids lives after I was an adult and started working. That's when I started to really realize what I had missed out on and became slightly jealous over the fact that others had such loving and caring grandparents. Now I'm kind of past that, as I know what kind of grandparents my parents will be when I hopefully have babies. They'll be the kind that I never had, except through my cousin's grandmother.

[k-i-n-g-p-i-n]

Since I have no self control, meet Shuichi Saihara as a spidersona.

“Okay, let’s do this one last time.

My name is Shuichi Saihara. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and I’m pretty sure you know the rest.

I live in the year 2050, and my city is a hotbed for organized crime. The police force is stretched so thin that there aren’t many of us to take on the smaller cases. Everyone apparently has “better” things to do than to catch that thief or put that pedophile in jail.

It’s sick.

Enter me, my aunt, and my uncle, who’ve both raised me more than my actual parents. They’re world class detectives, and I’ve been helping them with their cases for as long as I can remember. When I turned eleven, they let me be in charge of small time cases— burglaries and tax fraud, stuff like that, and before long I had moved onto robberies, drug trafficking, sex offenses, etc. I think they were hoping I’d move onto bigger cases, but I’m staying right where I am. Someone has to help the little guy.

I never had any intention of putting myself directly in the line of fire. I truly believed the system worked. I believed in looking for the truth, no matter what.

I was hoping to become a private investigator, and letting the courts do justice to the bad guys afterwards.

Instead I became a superhero.

Not what I would have chosen as a career path. But when you’re fourteen years old and you go with your aunt to investigate a bombed laboratory, there aren’t many conclusions pin down without the proper evidence.

After the spider bit me, I started displaying very spider-like symptoms. That conclusion was much easier to draw: the spider bite gave me powers.

I went back to the lab and collected some evidence… off-book. That was the first time I ever did anything that wasn’t by-the-book. It was strangely thrilling.

Anyways, I found some blueprint designs for these things called “web-shooters”. I’ve never been much of a tech guy, but if there’s anything I know how to do, it’s solve puzzles and put pieces together.

Whoever made that spider and designed the web-shooters were clearly planning something, but since that day I haven’t found hide nor hair of them. I had other things to take care of. Namely, my aunt’s funeral.

Supposedly, she was struck by a drunk driver. But before she died, she and I were starting to make connections between the lab and the government documents inside— documents that conveniently vanished into thin air before they could be properly analyzed. She was getting too close to something that wasn’t supposed to get out.

The police refused to look for the driver in question, who definitely was not drunk. They had more important things to do, apparently.

I always knew the system was deeply flawed, but I really thought it was the only way to serve justice. I really believed the law would always protect us, that the truth would win.

But what happens when it’s the system that’s guilty?

My uncle was a husk of himself, so it was up to me to catch the criminal and punish him. When the system is fractured, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands.

Days of investigating later, I found him. I really, really wanted him dead, but… even in my rage, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. My aunt would never want that for me.

So let’s just say I managed to “convince” him to turn himself in. But not before he admitted that he was paid off by someone with a lot of money to their name.

After that, I started investigating as a vigilante. People saw that I was willing to fight for them, to enact justice on the criminals that hurt them. I was willing to search for the truth, investigate where no one else wanted to. I protected innocents, and always searched for the truth, no matter how terrible the truth may be.

They called me Crimeweb. A little on the nose, but accurate. I gained a responsibility unlike anything else.

But there was a slight problem with this.

When a vigilante started showing up out of nowhere, beating up villains and making our law enforcement look bad, guess which junior detective got assigned his case?

I tried refusing, but my uncle practically begged me. I’m not sure why he was so insistent on the matter— he refused to tell me when I asked him— but I couldn’t deny my uncle when he was in a state of extreme grief.

If I back out now, it’ll look suspicious. If I do a poor job, it’ll also look suspicious. I’ve thought about finding a criminal to frame for my actions, but I couldn’t do it. That goes against everything I stand for.

It’s funny. How can a man who doesn’t even show his own face fight for the truth?

I don’t know.

So. Now I have to find a way out of this. And hopefully, things will change for everyone.”

[tadpal]

🥀🌿✨

hello isabell!! have i told u that i love your pfp i love to see it it makes me giggle

🥀 what keeps you motivated/helps boost your mood when you’re feeling off?

motivation is a huge weakness for me! if i knew how to boost it i wouldnt be on this app but i have a laundry list miles long about mood boosting and emotional maintenance! ive been in and out of care for bpd and autism for the better part of 8 years now and while i can't rate the professional help (nhs mh 😬) i CAN say that i am currently doing super well in terms of stability. i think for me it's less about Feeling Better and more about breaking the bad you know? temperature shocks are a big thing for me, especially with my heavy emotional weights for temp, so it's a lot of uncomfortable showers, cooling towels on neck, cool water on feet and face, cat baths, hot water bottles, ice creams, going outside. just anything with that like Temperature Shock is going to help. for overwhelming most often going sudden cold (safely) is what works best for me!! resets!

🌿 do you like having plants in your home/yard? do you have any currently?

LOVE THEM!!! when i was living at uni i had 7-9 various houseplants in my room and others scattered in the kitchen halls and bathroom but these days most of them have been claimed by my mom! i have three in my room now! a large succulent a sort of grass and something tall with dark greens and waxy leaves... by those descriptions you can tell im terrible at remembering plant types but im surprisingly not terrible at keeping them alive. idk it mostly just works out

✨ what scents do you have strong memories/associations with?

the nice ones are like orange blossom (aunts perfume who passed, grandmother figure to me, scent never lasted bc of her work so you could only ever smell it if you hugged real tight, calloused hands, bristly hair, miss her ), ocean spray (lived by a beach, leaving the commune for outings, big bright blue, one day we'll get out of here, people on the outside are kind - the systemite kids are kind - i will be able to have friends on the outside, calm, loneliness, laughter), honeysuckle (represents childhood hunger and gentleness and peace and danger, the importance of ritual), lemon blossom (tree by the pool in one of the worst communes we lived in, best lemons ive ever tasted, my aunt maria taught me how to make soap), apple cider vinegar (self sufficiency - making meals for myself too young, fresh vegetables from the local farms, abuelas tomato salads, full stomachs)

but there's also more unpleasant ones just in terms of the scent itself: septic tank in the height of summer (danger, childhood recklessness, the feeling of being trapped, the buzz of the wasps,) the thing that died in the pool over winter (we didn't find it until we cleaned the pool in summer, it smelt mostly of chlorine, we don't know what animal it had been, it's bones were greyer than id expected, my mom cried for a week) and it's dry and the car is leaking (it's the middle of a drought and the old car is leaking, thick black oil onto the drive. there have been three bush fires this week and every time you haul your childhood possessions onto the year and watch the smoke. the smoke clings and clutches and you think about the oil. no one else can smell it but you. it's worse when the fires start when you're already out and you think about all the things that you left inside the home.) the smell of the old car in summer (and then you're inside the car, waiting at the gas station and all around you is the smell of smoke and gasoline and seaweed and leaking. the seat is somehow sticky and sandy all at once. your uncle is talking about leaving forever again.)

i am very much an associator tho you could say anything and id go Oh That Reminds Me. guy who is reminded

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 17, 2021 12:00 p.m. st. francis catholic cemetery

dear grant,

by the time you read this, i don’t know where you’ll be in life, but i can’t imagine this becoming irrelevant. at least for me, while i'm writing this, it’s one day after i overheard you and your best friend henry talking in your room. you said, “i don’t believe in god but i think i'm missing something because you and everyone else i know seem to think he’s real.” and i know you were talking about me before that.

it’s not the first time i've heard you really confused about, well, what’s out there. you asked me a while ago why i was so comfortable not trying to treat my cancer and just letting myself go naturally. i told you that’s something you have to do sometimes in difficult situations, but that’s not really the full story. i'm okay with it because i believe in something better. it’s not about whether i'm right or not, or whether god and a heaven are really out there. it’s just about believing in something and feeling comfortable in it.

but you know, i think being able to say i believe in god and a heaven and that jesus christ died for me is a sign of privilege. lately, being sick is the first thing in my life (my life, we're not talking about everything else bad in the world) that has ever made me question anything about my beliefs. i've always been able to get away with saying there’s a god-made reason for everything and that everything will turn out okay. it’s not so easy to rationalize anymore when you’re facing something really bad.

i don’t think you have the same privilege i do. you've had a much harder life than me. i can’t understand why, but mom is terrible to you. why would you believe in a benevolent god who loves you and wants the best for you when you’ve spent your whole life suffering? it doesn’t make any sense, does it? it doesn’t make sense to me either. i'm sorry if my beliefs ever made you feel worse. as much as i believe, i can poke a lot of holes in my beliefs. it’s been a while since i've been able to really say that god has a plan. i think he’s out there and i think he loves us, but i don’t think he controls us. if he does, then i have a serious problem with what he’s done to you. there’s a theory about that concept of god not being in control, but i can’t remember what i read. i'm sure you could talk to father lonergan about it, though. he’s kind of secretly sacrilegious in his beliefs, more than you’d think.

anyway, don’t feel bad for not being able to believe in what a lot of us believe in. i promise you you’re not the only one, and you won’t hurt anyone for not believing. uncle paddy is an atheist and no one gives a fuck. i know you take after the way he talks, so maybe that’ll make you feel better :) our grandma also knows a suspicious amount about old irish paganism and folk beliefs and she’s always been very open-minded towards other religions, so don’t confuse yourself thinking she’s all that devout and worried about your eternal salvation. i don’t know what she actually believes, but i don’t think it’s what she says out in the open. you should ask her about it when you’re ready.

most of all, i'm not hurt by you having different beliefs. the only thing that hurts me is that you’re confused. i don’t want you to feel that way. no matter what, i can accept anything that happens to me because i think there’s something better after this, but you don’t have something to cling to, to make you feel comfortable. i don’t get the impression you really like the fully scientific belief either. not to put words in your head (feel free to mark up this letter and tell me how wrong i am) but i think you’re scared that there’s nothing out there at all, that all there is in life is without purpose and meaning. if the universe did create itself (which it did, i'm not an idiot), then you still have to grapple with how the event that made such a beautiful universe also created evil.

neither explanation satisfies you, does it?

again, there’s a reason we believe in all these things. it’s seriously not about correctness. all belief systems are equally "right." it’s just about that believing does something for us. you don’t even have to believe in the same thing forever. i just hope you find something that brings you comfort. i don’t want you to suffer. and i don’t want you to feel like i'm not with you anymore.

that’s the other thing about believing in heaven for me. the thing that makes me most scared of dying is leaving everyone behind. and i'm actually scared of that. i won't tell you that now because it doesn't make me feel any better to see you scared. i don’t want to say goodbye to you, to kelly, our grandparents, to our cousins, to my friends...but i have to. i have to, but i hope and believe i'll see you all again someday. i don’t just want to have something nice beyond this. i want the reunion of family and friends. i actually want that most of all. if i could only have any one benefit of the afterlife, i'd take the reunion. i don't know how that would works or if it's real, but i pray it is, and i pray that you will all be there regardless of your beliefs.

i love you very much <3 see you in the future. just don’t make it anytime soon, okay?

- your favorite sister, elizabeth

[saltwater-and-woodsmoke]

Stupid Things (Good Outcomes) || JJ Maybank || Two

Enter Rafe Cameron, stage left.

JJ visits his brothers grave and Rafe Cameron shares some information that he didn’t know about his brother. Back in Los Angeles, Christopher Diaz is a national treasure and calls JJ out for acting weird. Aka, it’s a filler folks!

Sorry for the late update, I haven’t had internet but I wanted to get this out.

Words: 1795

Warnings: gay (or at least bisexual) Rafe my beloved. Christopher Diaz calls his uncle JJ out. Bobby Nash is deciding if he wants to adopt this white boy or not (he does). JJ almost sounds homophobic for .2 seconds sorry

Gravel crunched under the blonde’s feet as he wandered through the cemetery. Realistically, he knew exactly where he was going. Hell, he’d done it so many times in the last twenty three years, it was second nature to him now.

This time, however, he was clutching a bouquet of tulips that he’d actually bought, not a bouquet of the wildflowers he’d picked on his way. Finally, his feet came to a stop and he found himself sitting in a grassy spot, staring at two polished headstones. Well, it was one big one actually but there were two names engraved into it. Two birthdates, two death dates, two people he should have a relationship with but didn’t. One of them he never actually officially met.

Juliette Kate Maybank

October 11, 1980 - April 22, 2002

Tyler Royce Maybank

June 13, 1997 - September 21, 2012

JJ, of course, knew the story of how his mom died. Complications of pregnancy, pre-eclampsia to be precise. His father had always liked to tell him it was his fault that she was gone, and now as an adult, he knew that that wasn’t the case. As a kid however, that had hurt him deeply. He knew now that it could happen to any pregnant woman and it just so happened that it came on fast with his mother, forcing doctors to deliver him nearly two months premature in an attempt to save her life. The effort had been futile, though, because she died two days later at the tender age of twenty one.

And JJ? Well he had spent the first three months of his life in the hospital. Actually, his father almost just left him there (and if JJ was honest about it, as a teenager he wondered if his life would have been better if he had) but strong words from Anna Carrera had made him change his mind.

Despite not getting to know his mother, from the moment he could remember, Tyler Maybank would bring him to the cemetery to leave flowers on her grave on Mother’s Day and her birthday. For the last thirteen years, though, he’d been coming on his brothers birthday as well.

“Hey Ty.” He murmured. “Twenty eight today, huh? I wonder what you’d be like now? Still my annoying older brother, probably. You’d probably be married and have your own kids by now, or would be telling your wife that you didn’t need to have kids because you had me.”

“Would you be proud of me? I think you’re the only one who ever was.”

“He would be. Your mom too.”

The voice took him by surprise and he was suddenly looking up at no other than Rafe Cameron who had his hands shoved into his jeans pockets looking nervous.

He hadn’t actually seen Rafe since they’d gotten back from South America. There’d been rumors that he was in jail, or rehab, but eventually the consensus was that he was hiding out on the cut drugged out of his mind. Of course, Sarah knew the truth, and had only stated that it wasn’t her story to tell.

Rafe’s hair was longer now, and he had the start of a beard, but JJ couldn’t help but notice that he definitely still looked good.

“I didn’t know you were still on the island.” JJ spoke. “You can sit, you know. Just wanted to have a beer with my brother on his birthday.”

“I uh, I haven’t left except for the six months after my dad died.” Rafe spoke, sitting beside him. “I got clean from the coke, started taking online classes and rebuilt Cameron Development with honest work. God, Tyler and I were going to break off from my dad and start our own company. Now look at me, twenty seven, single dad, and still technically working for my dad.”

“Single dad?” JJ raised an eyebrow. “Also, your dad is dead, like for real. I watched him launch himself off a cliff for us. That success is all you now.”

“His name is Jackson, or I just call him Jack.” Rafe told him. “He’s five now. Jackson Tyler Cameron.”

Before JJ could reply though, the older man was standing up and dusting his pants off. “For the record JJ, I started doing coke to get rid of your brother’s memory. It didn’t work. Also, your brother was gay, but he wasn’t out yet, so he would have had a husband and not a wife, and honestly? It probably would have been me.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ ───

JJ sat quietly, staring at the table in front of him. It was a day off from the academy and everyone had to work, so he’d offered to hang out with Christopher all day, and had brought him to the firehouse to meet up with everyone for dinner after giving him way too much screen time and letting eat way too much sugar.

“You okay JJ?” Mari sat in front of him with a confused look. He glanced up at her and nodded, then looked back down at his hands.

“He’s been weird all day.” The voice belonged to Christopher, making JJ turn to look at him with narrowed eyes.

“Traitor.” JJ’s tone was joking, but Chris just shrugged and continued.

“He’s been quiet and was way too quick to let me play video games all day. But he won’t talk about it, because he likes to act like Dad or something.”

“I’m fine.” JJ confirmed. “And next time I’m not letting Chris win when we play Fortnite.”

“J, you know we aren’t going to judge you.”

“My brother was gay.” He practically blurted out.

“Okay, and? So is mine?” Mariella stared at him. “Wait, you’re not like homophobic or something are you?”

“No, of course not.” JJ half laughed. “I share an ex boyfriend with my ex girlfriend, who is now dating a woman. It just took me by surprise to find that out, y’know?”

“Why did he say was?” It was Hen that spoke this time. “You said your brother was gay not that he is gay.”

“He was gay because I’m talking about him in past tense.” JJ clarified. “As in he’s no longer with us, not on this mortal plane, yeeted himself into the afterlife.”

The medic was quiet as she took in the information he’d just told her. All eyes were on JJ and he was suddenly acutely aware that the Diaz siblings had been the only two that knew about Tyler.

“Uhm, I’m sorry.” She finally spoke. “Is that why you went home three weeks ago?”

“Yeah, Maybank, if you need someone to talk to, I can set you up with the department psychologist. I know you’re not officially a firefighter yet but you’re well on your way.” It was Bobby that spoke that time and JJ was suddenly super uncomfortable.

“No, guys, I’m fine.” He told them. “It was thirteen years ago. I went home three weeks ago to spend some time with my father figure, Heyward. It was also Tyler’s birthday. He would have been twenty eight this year.”

“Thirteen years ago?” Hen spoke. “You were just a kid, JJ.”

“I was ten.” JJ told her. “Tyler was fifteen, he got stuck in a rip current and drowned. My dad was thirty one and buried one of his kids ten years after he buried his wife.”

“So you really only ever had your dad.” Bobby spoke coming to sit with them. “You’re sure okay.”

“I’m fine. My mom died two days after I was born and I was in the NICU for three months so I don’t think she ever actually got to meet me.” JJ confirmed. “My dad was a drunk, and liked to shove his kids around. He got worse after Tyler died, because then all he had was a reminder of his dead wife. He eventually skipped town when I was sixteen, and I almost died like four times before my friend Pope dragged me and Jombee to his house and the Heywards took us in.”

“If you’re sure.” Bobby sighed. “I can’t make you talk to someone but the offer stands.”

“I’m sure.” JJ told him. “I don’t care that my brother was gay, by the way. It just threw me off because I found out he was gay from his ex boyfriend, who is apparently the man that made my life a nightmare growing up. Like my brother was dating the man who framed my best friend for murder and shot his sister.”

“You got out, that’s what’s important.” Mari told him. “What Rafe did to you and your friends was horrible. And you guys didn’t deserve it but you know what? You came out on top because I don’t think Rafe fucking Cameron is sitting on sixty seven million dollars and you are.”

“I’m sorry you’re sitting on how much?” It was the rest of the crew, other than Eddie, that was shocked that time.

“Oh you guys don’t know?” Mari teased. “JJ here is one of the six teenagers who found El Dorado and the Royal Merchant.”

“Once again Mari, the El Dorado thing is a technicality because I didn’t physically see it, only Jombee and Sarah did.”

It was quiet for a moment while the people around him took the information in. He didn’t like to flaunt his wealth, and now everyone in the room knew he was rich, but had decided he wanted to be a firefighter. He could see Bobby looking between him and Buck with a smirk, and it was like a light bulb went on in his head. Buck was also sitting on a shit ton of money and the rest of the crew were seeing their similarities for the first time.

“Okay seriously, what kind of names do your friends have?” Eddie finally spoke, attempting to change the subject. JJ couldn’t help but laugh.

“They’re nicknames.” He explained. “Jombee is actually John B but we’ve always called him

Jombee. His dad was Big John and so he became John B. Pope is also a John. His full name is John Paul, so we call him Pope. But if you want a ridiculous legal name? Sarah’s ex boyfriend. His name is Topper.”

“Topper?”

“Well I don’t care about his friends names.” Buck spoke. “What does JJ stand for?”

“Uh, well. Actually no one on the island actually ever cared enough to find out. I was always JJ to everyone, but legally and on my birth certificate and driver’s license it’s Jesse James.” JJ explained.

“Like the bank robber?”

“Like the bank robber.”

“Okay, JJ is my new best friend.” Buck announced. “We’re going to start a dead brothers club, so Chimney I guess you get to join too.”

[purple-hel]

FML

It's been a really shitty year.

I lost my job in August and have gotten exactly ONE recruiter call since then, and no actual interviews. My uncle was helping me with rent, but he had to retire because his mind is slipping (which was a conversation I had to have with him because apparently his manager, an old friend of his, wasn't allowed to, so got ahold of me for the 'he's gotta retire or hes going to get fired and lose his pension and health insurance' convo.) So my uncle can't help me anymore cos there's a big gap between his last paycheck and his first pension payment, and even if he could help my lease is up end of july and the complex wants to raise my rent by like $400, which is somehow fucking legal.

And I have nowhere I can move, because I have 5 cats (plus another I should really take with me if I leave), only two of which will tolerate other people, the other 3 will only tolerate me (plus the 6th is mostly feral and won't even really tolerate me, but she's been SLOWLY warming up to me and two of mine are her clowder and I don't want to leave her all alone, so I need to be able to isolate her from all but 2 of mine if I leave and take her with me). So I'm going to be homeless I guess? With 5 cats? and no car? Which doesn't sound like something worth fighting to survive when I'm 42 and have absolutely no hope of things getting better.

I had planned to move into my mom's empty house, but that requires like $1000 for a dumpster to reach a marginally livable state (and I mean MARGINALLY) and me having the ability to GET THERE and clean. And I don't have $1000 OR the ability to get there, cos my car died; doubly so in fact, originally it was what I am pretty sure is a brake assembly issue, but when I went to start it yesterday to keep the battery from running down it wouldn't start at all, and not in a dead battery way but in a check engine way.

And then on top of all that, my uncle's neighbor has been seriously overstepping, pushing my uncle to do things like hire a CPA and hire people to clean out the house, which would be fine, except my uncle always loses paperwork, and the neighbor refuses to give contact info for any of the people, so now everything I had stored in my bedroom at my uncle's to keep it safe is probably gone forever-photos. prom dress. a summer camp tee shirt a bunch of friends signed. stuffed animals given to me by various people, including my father. And my uncle lost the paperwork from the CPA, told the CPA to send me a copy of the paperwork, and the CPA, a friend of the neighbor, is refusing, so there's a power of attorney that none of us know what actually covers, isn't that great?!

On the plus side my uncle is good with the idea of a conservatorship, so we just need to get that in place.

plus the 'the world is on fire and death cult capitalism sees no profit in saving it and the rapturists want the world to burn' shit we're all dealing with, and I am hard pressed to remember why I should keep breathing other than my cats.

Oh, yeah, plus fucking health bullshit. I'm now on the prescription anorexia shot (ozempic) which is (un)fortunately actually doing good things for my blood sugar, so I just have to deal with ozempic no appetite on top of ADHD no appetite. Except the past few weeks I've been so stressed the ozempic doesn't seem to be doing anything (or if this is my sugars WITH ozempic fucking gods I don't want to know what they'd be without it.) But not eating enough (a good day I can manage about 1000 calories across the day, which I try to weight towards protein) means not sleeping enough, which is NOT helping the stress levels, which means more cortisol ruining everything….

[1-deadgirlwalking-1]

5/26/2024

(another entry i forgot to post) It is 2am. Today my uncle came over again and we watched the last episodes of ROTTMNT. We are gonna watch the movie the day after tomorrow and then we will be finished with the series in its entirety. Which honestly makes me sad because I wish the series was longer, it deserved better than a season and a half… But anyway I’m also almost finished watching Vinland Saga, I’m on the 18th episode of season 2. Keep slacking on finishing it though.

I’m learning how to do my eyeliner and am currently typing this with a fricked up face after doing it for the second time ever. It’s so DIFFICULT but also much easier than I expected. I’ll get better with time and all that. Yada yada.

I want to get better with procrastination, I have so many things I want to do that I can right now but I never do them or I haven’t even started yet. I Also just remembered as I’m typing this I was supposed to make my list of every single thing I need/want to do… I don’t think I finished that ahh.

Anyway. I’ve been thinking maybe I should find a hobby I can do that doesn’t require much effort to start, like a video game. My main issue with doing things is actually getting myself to start, it takes a significant amount of time for me to summon the will, but once I’m actually doing the task I’m fine. And you don’t have to set up or do anything to start playing a video game, you just click on it and play. Much easier than a physical hobby. Doesn’t require money for many games also which means don’t need to ask my parents for supplies or get a job.

The other thing is though, I get addicted to video games very easily, I get addicted to basically anything that is even slightly addictive actually. I’m quite prone to addiction. And that’s why I usually avoid playing games.

It is now 6AM. And I can’t decide whether to sleep or stay up. I want to sleep cause I feel bad, like I don’t know what to do at all and I don’t want to exist, and sleeping will fix that because it’s the same as not existing for a little while, AND I only feel like that because I’m sleep deprived. But I think that sleeping is the more unhealthy of the two options because if I sleep I’ll sleep all day and stay up again tomorrow which’ll just repeat the cycle. While staying up for the rest of the day would help get my sleep back in check. I don’t know. I’ll probably give into just wanting to not exist and sleep. Sleep is good. I like not existing for a little bit. Also my arm is so itchy and it wont go away I think something bit me.

I feel like people are watching me again. I always feel like people are watching me. I want to sleep so that I can stop feeling like people are watching me. People are not watching me but I can never convince myself of that because I am psychotic. Ugh I wanna die. Not really but y’know. It’s like, ew. Stop everything. Ever.

I’m gonna go to sleep. I am going to give in and repeat the unhealthy cycle because I can’t deal with thiiiissss. Throws up. Dies. Kills myself. Also side note I have a really bad fear that any time I say “I want to (insert some bad situation happening to me)” that god will make it happen as punishment for me saying that. But that is illogical. If I say “I hope I die” I won’t actually die just because of it. The other day when I was in really bad pain because of the plane landing I texted my friend, “I HOPE WE CRASH” and we didn’t crash. But maybe that’s just because the plane crashing would hurt other innocent people as well.

But me dying would also hurt my parents and siblings and friends. And just generally everyone in my life. So my death really cannot be used as punishment. Sigh.

I hate religion and society why can’t we just exist. But no we can’t. Everything has to be so fucking complicated and stupid with unnecessary shit attached and the highest stakes imaginable, so much so that you can’t even comprehend the punishment for doing it wrong. It worse beyond your imagination!!

It’s 1:59PM now. I got woken up like 20 minutes ago. I have to do the dishes now. Unload, reload. I already finished unloading before typing this and now I’m just sitting in the bathroom not actually doing anything to avoid reloading the dishwasher for a minute more. I’m gonna go do that now.

Nevermind mama did that while I was in the bathroom. She’s also making pizza out of focaccia bread. I switched over the laundry instead. Nothing else to talk about right now.

It’s 3:57PM. I just got out of the shower. I regret not putting a hair mask on. And I’m eating the pizza. It’s very soft and quite salty because mama had added salt after mozzarella not thinking about the fact that the mozzarella already has salt in it.

I’ve still been slacking on my Japanese, it’s been like 3 months since I started and I still don’t even know half of the kana I was supposed to memorize all of in a couple days. T^T I’m gonna do my kana today though. Try to make it a habit.

[authoramalgam]

Man. I completely forgot about a hypothetical fnaf game I wanted to make until I randomly remembered the main character. Sooo. Imma post about it. Yee.

The game would partially work like a dating sim (but no actual dating or romance cause my aroace ass cannot write a relationship for love nor money) So it'd just all be platonic, meeting people, making griends, helping them out, learning more about them etc.

At least part of the game was that. I imagined it as having day shift and nightshift sections. In the day shift, you would do all the talking to people and etc. During the night shift you were trying to investigate the animatronics and what shady shit was going on with them and Fazbear Entertainment. )I don't know if the game was set in any particular fnaf location, possibly fnaf 2?)

The main character was named Ange. They were in their late twenties, lost their job, and decided to work at Freddy's to make ends meet while they looked for a better job. I didn't have much fleshed out for their background though.

Then there were the rest of the employees.

Sal (Short for Salvatore) was the manager/owner. He was like, an intentional red herring type guy. Very purposely played up as shady, possibly Mafia type. But he's actually not. He's a bit rough, having grown up doing a lot of shady stuff, but after his brother and sister in law died, leaving him to raise his nephew Seth, he decided to try and make himself better. He's like, the uncle that shows up, gives sage life advice, and then 'jokes' and says to tell him if anyone messes with you and he'll 'deal with them.'

Seth, as previously stated, is Sal's nephew. He mostly got hired because of nepotism, and he doesn't really do much other than hang out in the break room, high (medical marijuana for chronic pain) and eat snacks. Also, might've been able to see ghosts, but was so freaked out by them that he just avoided them (Another reason he stayed in the break room all the time.) Chill as hell.

Marcell was the restaurants 'chef.' In reality he lied on his resume, saying he could cook when he can barely operate a microwave. He lied because he was desperate for a job, and his criminal record (Petty theft, shoplifting, etc) made it hard to get a job. Thankfully (or maybe not?) Sal could give a fuck less about the food, since all the pizzas are just pre frozen. Sal is pretty hard on Marcell, because he sees himself in him, and wants him to get his shit together.

Leto was was some nonhuman entity (with no association to the murders or Afton) who just hung out in the building. Sal got sick of it scaring people, and said to basically either do a job, or he'd exorcise it himself. (Unclear if that'd have even worked.) In the end, Leto chose to be the janitor cause it liked collecting stuff people accidentally left at the pizzeria.

There was also an idea for a waitress character. She didn't have an official name, so Cierra was a placeholder (cause there were too many names that started with an S sound ;-;) And I went back and forth like crazy between her either being chill as hell and only really being there because she had nothing better to do over the summer, or like, a stereotypical mean rich girl who's parents forced her to get a 'normal job' to humble her. (Maybe I split both those ideas and make two. Eh.)

I also messed with the idea of phone guy or Afton showing up, because fnaf 2. But I wasn't sure if I was gonna do that much.

[enchantechante]

Hi.I've been reading through some of your recent messages and definitely feel like I can relate to some of the people who sent them to you.So much has been going on in my life lately and at times I feel like I can lose my mind.Just like the last anon ,my mom has cancer and my uncle died last week.I take care of my mom and took care of my uncle who was also ill. I do my best to be there for everyone else and on the real,I do a damn good job at it.I text and call people daily/weekly to check on them and make sure they're good.If they aren't,I offer to help in any way possible.I don't get the same in return though. It never really bothered me much but as of lately,shit has kinda gotten under my thick ass skin.

Just like one of the previous messages an anon sent about the guy they're with being a introvert.The guy I'm in a relationship with is one and has issues with texting and calling.I have had a couple heart to heart conversations with him and I told him he needs to do better with communicating.More texts and more calls.I feel like I shouldn't go days without hearing from someone I'm in a relationship with.He works five days a week making deliveries and three of those days are half days.I work twelve hours shifts five days a week as a nurse extern.I know people be busy but outside of work,he does nothing at all. Absolutely nothing other than hanging around the house.

My thing is,I ALWAYS initiate the conversation by texting and calling.If I don't,I won't hear from him for days or longer .I'll text him to see how he's doing,how's work and he'll respond to the questions but won't even ask me how I'm doing or how my day is going.

When we first got together,he wasn't like this at all.I got text and calls everyday,gifts,checking on my mom,he actually showed that he cared.Lately,not at all and I never had to initiate every single conversation. He actually told me he doesn't text or call because he knows I'm busy with work and prefers to wait for me to contact him when I'm free.

I think that's total bullshit especially since I text and call him while I'm working and always have.

You know...I've given things plenty of thought and have been praying,Tae.I feel like it's time for me to just let go and I'm not interested in mentioning anything else about how I feel or what he knows he's not doing.Every single time we have had a heart to heart he let me know that he needs to do better with his communication.So he knows where he's falling short but to me,he just doesn't want to change anything at the stubborn age of 42.

Honestly when I think about things,I remember when he first told me I was out of his league not too long after we met.And honestly,he's right.I am.

I will say that I know he has mental illness problems because he shared that with me but I feel like that and being a introvert should not a be an excuse for shitty behavior while being in a relationship.Yeah,if I tell him I need him to do something then he'll do it with no question so he's really not a bad guy,I guess, but I just feel like he's not my person.I'm going places in life.I work hella hard,I pray, I'm focused,I do for others and I know my future will be bright.I just feel like I can't be with a man who's okay with not hitting me up for days or longer and sees nothing wrong with it.I also can't be with a man who tells me that he knows he needs to work on his communication and other things but doesn't. I'm in my thirties,no kids, ambitious, attractive,kind,and I'm a damn good woman.Get told that often actually.I just don't want to waste my time. Time I can never get back...and for him to listen to me speak how I feel and express my wants and needs but do nothing is crazy to me.But each time he wanted me to change something for him,I did with no hesitation.It's just tiring and I will no longer put up with the bullshit especially since he knows what he's doing. I'm just going to make my exit without saying another word. What's the point of continuing to explain yourself when the person you're talking to is making it their duty to not understand you or show they do not care?

He'll be alright and so will I.

Good evening, Anon!

I was over here like a proud Mom reading this tbh:

Words cant describe the power of moves like this. Only great things happen to hard working ppl w standards who pray and then pivot.

But love, did God tell you to leave like this when you prayed?

Im concerned down the line a person of your resolve may be tempted to have a final convo.

It may sound unnecessary but if you know you need a clear conscience a simple mssg on why youre leaving permanently wld be appropriate. Doing that sooner than later would be the easiest way for everyone.

I believe youre definitely on the right track.

I support this decision. I am whole heartedly agreeing w you in faith for your specific long-term man.

These are beautiful reasons to exit and make space for better & Im proud of you. 🦋

Keep praying ✨

[labradorite-princess]

I agreed to go and now I am freaking out.

My therapist told me it's my family who needs to make it up me and not the other way around. And that I do not need to put up with their disrespect anymore. I can just walk away if they start any of their bullshit. But I'm still so scared. I feel like the sad little girl who was mistreated all those years and spent nights crying in her room alone.

I agreed to go bc I want to show support for my cousin and his future wife. He's been nothing but nice to me my whole life. I've never had any issues with him. The issues are with most of my aunts and uncles and my older cousins. I want him to know I'm happy for him. And I want his future wife to know I'm on her side. My dad's side of the family can be summed up as "we're better than you because we're Catholic and we will look down on you because of this." I'm worried how the rest of the family will treat her. My mom made sure my sister and I weren't raised that way. But all my other family was raised believing this garbage. Also, for some reason, my dad's side of the family HATES fat ppl. More than the gays. Which says a lot bc Catholics. And my cousin's future wife is "heavy" according to my cousin's mom. Who has expressed her dislike of her (cousin's future wife) to my mom because for that reason. She (my aunt - cousin's mom) never said anything bad about my cousin's future wife other than her weight. As one of the few fat members of the family I want her to know she's not alone. Bc my family will comment on her weight to her. I want to tell her how pretty she looks. I want to make her feel confident bc she deserves to feel that way on her special day.

She's marrying a great man. I want my cousin and his future wife to have a wonderful day. I've never met her but she can't be anything but amazing if she caused my cousin to fall in love with her.

My cousin even reached out to my sister to say he hopes I can come. I never thought any of them would miss me. One of the issues I've had with my dad's side of the family was the constant comparison to my cousin who is 6 months older than me (not the cousin getting married). I was always second best. Never the center of attention. Everyone would pay attention to her and not me. And her parents had to make it so she was better at everything than me. I remember when my Grandpa was in the hospital and my uncle made a big deal about my cousin being in advanced classes and having a 2.5 GPA. I just mentioned I was also in advanced classes and had a 3.8 GPA. We went to different high schools. (My choice. I could have gone to the same school as her but I didn't want too). My uncle had to ask my older cousin (not the one getting married) who is a teacher which school had "the better" advanced classes.

I haven't been to a family gathering on my dad's side of the family in like 7/8 years maybe longer. I've seen a few family members throughout the years but not many and never all of them at once. My dad's side of the family is v large. My dad is 1 of 9. All but 2 had at least 1 child. Most had more. And I'm one of the youngest. So my older cousin's have been having kids. There's an insane amount of us. I'm worried about seeing all of them again. What will I tell them? The truth? That most of you and their parents caused me an insane amount of childhood trauma? That you caused me to have eating disorders? That you caused me to start self harming? That I think some of you hid the fact my dad was cheating on my mom from her? That I hate you bc you encouraged my dad to drink and just pretended my mom no longer existed after my dad left her 6 months after she had a massive heart attack and died 6 times on the operating table? She was still recovering! She had to relearn how to walk! It's a mircale she survived let alone didn't have any brain damage! How do you think I'm not mad at you for telling my dad to put her in a nursing home while she was having her first surgery? You guys had no idea what was going on! And were already planning on getting rid of her! How can I not hate you for not even asking my sister and I if we were doing okat after my dad moved out? We would have told you our mom spent all her time crying and threating to kill herself! We had no money! Our mom was only working part time at the time my dad left! You discarded us like you discarded our mom! I can't tell them all that. Not at my cousin's wedding at least. It's a happy event. Idk what to do.

I’m being guilt tripped into going to a wedding.