#and I am at least more confident in my explanation than in my friend's good lordie

[elainemorisi]

the fact that I can construct plausible not-extreme reasons A Specific Person might be doing what they're doing and the fact that this is like, the sole case in which I'd claim to feel empathy are basically coincidental facts but it is pretty funny

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Hi, i hope you are having a good day! I wanted to ask for writing tips, though sorry if I'm not too specific. You see, i notice you tend to show so much personality of characters, especially in the way they speak. Do you have any advice on how to write dialogues and how you give each person a distinct voice? Maybe also how you manage to show certain characteristics of a person (like flirty, playful, confident, shy, etc) through the way they talk? Thank you very much in advance, hope I'm not bothering you, and feel free to answer any time, of course if you want and have the time🩵

Ehh, once I find my writing tips I will reblog this - I made a kind-of-not-really-masterlist when it comes to my writing tips - (as always, please keep in mind: I study biology which means I am currently not taking any language courses, I haven't been in an English class for ages, so, yeah, I may not be the best person to give advice).

Usually, my writing process is pretty easy to put into words - that's the only reason why I was able to give some sort of writing tips in the past. When it comes to dialogue, though, I am not so sure how to explain it.

I usually follow certain "rules" regarding structure or the use of stylistic devices etc. I've mentioned that in my prior posts (which I will reblog once I find them 😭), but for dialogue, there isn't really a guideline (not to my knowledge at least).

Which is why I mostly picture a movie scene with the setting and the characters I want to write and the dialogue just uhh happens. (I am so sorry that is such a lousy explanation.)

But maybe it's more useful to use an example (this is from a draft):

"You're quitting?" the villain asked and the hero nearly jumped out of their own skin. They had had quite the day and the last person they had expected to see in their own living room was the villain.

"Jeez- yes-" They felt their pulse in their throat and when they set down their plate, their fingers shook. Right. They hadn't told the villain.

It was stupid that they felt - to some degree at least - obligated to tell their nemesis that they weren't interested in wearing the cape anymore. In all honesty, that feeling of obligation only existed because the hero wanted some comfort.

"You're quitting?" the villain asked again and the hero only frowned softly.

"Yeah."

"Bullshit."

"No, I am done. I am done with this." In return, the villain let out a huff and crossed their arms in front of their chest.

"You can't just quit," the villain said, as if they had any say in this. It was refreshing, though. Most people had encouraged them. Hell, their parents had begged for years, colleagues called them incredibly lucky and friends only sighed in gratitude.

But the villain didn't seem to accept this.

Here is all the dialogue:

"You're quitting?"

"Jeez- yes-"

"You're quitting?"

"Yeah."

"Bullshit."

"No, I am done. I am done with this."

"You can't just quit."

So, the very first thing I try to do is to decide on the hero's and villain's personality (sometimes that changes in the middle of writing, so I go back and rearrange the dialogue etc.). First of all, it's important to decide how much the characters are talking.

Because, not only the quality but also the quantity of dialogue can tell you much about a character's personality. About their characteristics, their maturity, their age even. (That can also be subverted for comedic effect, though. A child being mature and talking like an adult can be quite funny.)

Different quantities can also create a certain power dynamic, for example between a superior and a subordinate. But that doesn't have to be.

Are they talking a lot? Are they rather quiet? Do they use long and complex sentences? Or are their answers very short and clear?

A very quiet character may be shy but they can also be intimidating - actions speak louder than words, after all. An intimidating character might not need to give a long speech to explain themselves. Their words aren't supposed to be questioned and conversation might be something they deem unnecessary.

How characters talk pretty much depends on your creativity.

A flirty character might try to interpret a lot into simple actions to frame them suggestive ("I bet you showed up just to see me."), they might make a bunch of assumptions ("You missed me, didn't you?"), they might be a very bold character ("Let's give that chatty mouth of yours another task.").

Shy characters can tend to talk very little or try to avoid conversations - that doesn't have to be the case, though. Some shy characters can be very chatty and social, but when confronted with a certain subject (e.g. their own accomplishments/interests or romance), they might lose their confidence and with that, all their words.

So, there isn't really a rule like a confident character is xyz. A confident character can be xyz but they can also be abc. It totally depends on the characters you're writing. Try to observe people you know. How do they act? How do they speak? Would you say they are confident? Shy? Flirty? Mean? Kind?

Above, you can see that the villain doesn't ask once but twice if the hero is quitting and even when the hero confirms this twice, the villain still simply says "Bullshit."

This already tells us the villain doesn't believe or doesn't want to believe that the hero is quitting. That goes even further when the hero says they are done and the villain tells them "You can't just quit."

The villain is clearly agitated about the hero quitting. So, we have a somewhat (co-)dependency here or at least some attachment from the villain towards the hero (because quitting = not fighting the villain = leaving the villain). That already tells us quite a bit about the character dynamic. When we look at the characters independently, it's quite clear the villain is very persistent about this (asking twice + telling the hero they can't quit) and the hero is at first shocked the villain is there (jeez-) but still willing to answer their question. The hero doesn't explain why they quit, they simply say "yeah" or "I am done with this." So, they either don't feel the need to talk to the villain about it (which they could have told them, like "it's none of your business") or they don't want to talk about it because they are upset.

(It's the latter.)

As you can see above, dialogue works better when you attach some action/description to the scene you are writing.

For example, when the hero realizes they haven't told the villain: They felt their pulse in their throat and when they set down their plate, their fingers shook. Right. They hadn't told the villain.

So, telling the villain is difficult for the hero. Why is up for your interpretation 🤭

"You're quitting?" the villain asked again and the hero only frowned softly. In this line, the hero frowning softly can be interpreted as confusion. Maybe because the villain is being very persistent and the hero is somewhat surprised by this...idk idk...

"No, I am done. I am done with this." In return, the villain let out a huff and crossed their arms in front of their chest. Apparently, the villain finds this action ridiculous which is why they say "You can't just quit."

Ultimately, I tried to put this into words. Like I mentioned before, I am not thinking "oh, yeah, the hero is upset so I will write this action and this as dialogue" but instead I direct the scene in my head and write it down.

Nonetheless, I really do hope this could help you in some way. Please tell me if there's something incoherent or illogical. Or ask if you have another question.

Thank you for asking!

[pepperwebsblog]

Some reflections of mine.....

Why write the entire fic and wait to post, rather than posting chapter by Chapter?

It’s  a very good question and until Love Letters, the way I worked was to post chapter by chapter as I wrote fics. Sometimes I wrote with one chapter in hand. But I always did a serial format.

I did always plan my entire fics out chapter by chapter so I knew what I was covering and where I wanted the fic to end, so I was following a loose structure. But yeah I would write a chapter and pretty immediately post it.

I did like this way of doing things, it allows for that instant gratification which is great cos you get that instant feedback on your work.

But for Love Letters, it was a complex narrative with actual letters appearing not in chronological order. So whilst I always plan out my fics, this one needed to hang together beginning to end so I was not confident posting chapter by chapter in case I missed some detail I needed to go back and fix in chapter 1.

This meant it was about 10 weeks of work with very little feedback. And I will say having @xuxudio on hand as a brilliant friend to cheer me on was invaluable here, it was a hard slog to complete the fic with only myself having read the whole thing in entirety. But it made for a much higher quality fic in my opinion, I think the story hangs together better. This fic has had WAY more edit read-throughs than my others and so grammatically and spelling-wise it is better at the very least.

Also reflecting on things, it just works so much better for me in my stage of life now. I have reached a stage in my career where I am a senior manager and work demands a lot from me which is tiring but because I really enjoy my job it's very fulfilling.  Also balancing work with the rest of life's demands, seeing family and friends, volunteer work, exercise, and all the general adult stuff as well. I only get free time to write at the weekends and a few evenings in the week and not too late as I need to be well rested for work. So having something that I can pick up and put back down without any worries of sticking to an upload schedule or of letting readers down is helpful for me. I can work on the fic until it's done and then post regularly at a time that suits me because I have the fic written and ready to go.

And yeah, I think ultimately I prefer this way of writing now. And hopefully the audience appreciate it too as they know it's a complete fic and they're going to get something they know is finished which I think is very satisfying.

So yeah, that's why I have shifted this year to writing fics in this way. It might change again in the future but for now it's the right thing for me.

And why post chapter by chapter if the whole fic is written?

Because this gives me breathing space to write the next fic!

And it allows for the story to build, hopefully it's fun for the readers too, to keep coming back each week for the next chapter. It gives the story momentum and allows for more interaction between me and the readers.

And, being completely honest really honest, posting chapter by chapter keeps my fic at the top of the various tag lists on Ao3, as it's default ordering is by most recent. This means more people see my work and have the opportunity to read it. I'm not solely about hits and kudos but those are nice recognitions of my work.

I dont owe anyone an explanation but felt like providing one, thanks for reading!

[katyspersonal]

11, 17, and 21 for Micolash!

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

11) How did you “fall in love” with this character?

Although I liked him from the start, the "falling in love" did not happen instantly! Especially because my primal Bloodborne exposure was within an extremely small and secluded group, in which a snobbish near-Redditor friend would condemn "cringey Tumblr girls crushes" XD I was a little nervous upon realising that my attraction and curiosity to Micolash was only growing with every day, that I kept checking the same fanarts of him every day. I was not thrilled to feel judged so I was in denial and forged exclusively lorediggey interest. And then I just took my confidence back with this meme that started it all:

Basically, there was no particular trigger, but instead, everything I've learned about this character became planted seeds, and yet they sprouted and kept growing. My own wild, unhinged imagination and daydreaming was the water, good fanart and headcanons were the sunlight. Ironically though, this same friend helped to nourish it; he is very good at making impressions of characters and I asked him to write as Micolash in my starvation for more dialogue. It was so in-character that it did feel like getting extra script of Mico's lines.

17) Have you ever felt physical pain over this character? (ex: physical heartache).

Yeah... I am a little ashamed of it, but ey. No need to beat myself up for how my brain is wired? I've had two times of unexplainable nausea (as it, I was not sick or poisoned) because of this man! Both times happened after a particularly striking dream revolving around him. I also sometimes got strong headaches because of him, when I was spiralling into thinking about him too much!

21) Are your feelings about this character platonic, romantic, or familial? All of these feelings at once maybe?

All of these in this order of development, and currently all of these at once. Like I said, I was instantly fascinated by him, then it grew into a strong crush.. And, strangely enough, whereas I instantly latched onto Rom, kinned her even, and shipped Romicolash, my brain involuntarily imagined an OC that I could project onto more than onto Rom, yet that'd be his sister. So, I had a chance to imagine myself being with him, and yet threw it away for familial relationship instead? This is a part of the many years long string of strange self-sabotages, in which whenever I fell hard for a fictional character I'd "ruin my chances" by making their sexuality exclude me, or inventing any other way why we could not be together even in my dreams. What scares me so? But hey, at least I had Rom, right? .....right?

Wrong. Meet the description I've glossed over at first, but that changed everything when @val-of-the-north convinced me to really peer into it all like 'ohhhh whooo could they beeee?'. Given the context, the description could be referring to Micolash and Rom, and my lore brain instantly picked up 500+ canon-fitting clues and explanations for why it absolutely made sense. I was delighted by it. I was frustrated by it. I felt like a genius that deciprehered a mystery that fandom did not see for 6-7 years. I knew Romicolash shippers would shy away from me for that one and I felt lonely. I felt proud because on the other side I started a "trend" that ricocheted across the fandom so much that now headcanon of Rom and Micolash as siblings is the norm, not exception. I hated myself for sabotaging my only means to "be" with Micolash in my dreams.

But in the end, I just... accepted it? I've found peace in knowing that different parts of my identity feel differently towards this man, and I can't sacrifice either. And I was able to internalise the differences between my Rom, other people's Rom and Rom as 'general character concept'. So I can like teacher-student, I can like friendship, I can like familial, I can like ship, I can like them as enemies. But this applies to me-me too! It is easier to name what feelings I do not have towards him hahah;

[starry-pierrot]

I know we all got our own issues with the finale of Murder Drones but while watching the big Anniversary video thats going on I realize I have a lot of ideas on how it should have ended-or at least how I might have done it. Under the cut is just some ideas, I am not a professional writer but I do write fanfiction from time to time and hey maybe I'll write some of these out. Also I am not claiming I am better than Liam or anyone at Glitch, just some thoughts.

-Thad, Lizzy and Khan should of had their own fight with J. In episode 7 the trio is set up like they're gonna get an epic side battle. Now worker drones of course were workers so I doubt Lizzy and Thad would be weak, sure weak against a murder drone but they have Uzi's gun that Khan rebuilt. I think they could have put up a easily decent fight against J, Lizzy and Thad as acting support while Khan (who is secretly a badass) takes her down a few notches just before the world goes to shit and they end up pulled down by gravity. It would be so cute to sorta see Lizzy also use her mean girl trait to verbally be mean to J just a little bit! Probably a fun quip about pigtails being out of style. Maybe also use a hand mirror to direct a off course shot from the railgun, no that wouldn't actually work shut up it's fun. -Khan should of been the one to give Uzi her gun. The whole series Khan is the absent father who doesn't pay attention but when he finally has to in episode 2 onward he's more attentive with like telling her about the collars and the camp. Then in episode 7 he just seems very much prepared for what's going on-he needed more scenes to show he's trying to be a better dad and maybe even get back to what he used to be before Nori died. A sweet moment between him and Uzi, her realizing he rebuilt her totally sick railgun as a way to see that he accepts her for who she is would have very much tied up their relationship issue in a big pretty bow. -Nori should have absolutely apart of the final fight. She is so under utilized despite having fought her Solver daughter before, she doesn't even need a big part just a moment. On that topic I would have also liked a quick shot of the Railgun from Thad or Lizzy, it has too much of a one time use and someone could have easily picked it up the second it was thrown out of the way. I love to see characters all come together and have their parts. -Cyn was defeated too easily and I would have liked a final show off between just her and Uzi maybe in the caverns bellow after Cyn possibly broke the ground and sent them both tumbling down. A real big 'I'm not fucking around anymore' from Cyn as Uzi overcomes her for a final time. I don't hate how she's now the host and containing the solver but I very much would have liked a explanation on how it all works. -J honestly either should of had more focus on that 'No escape even in death' bit or had a redemption. Not all characters need to survive or even become good, sometimes they can't get out of their ways. But that above line tells me all about why J refuses to cut herself off from Cyn. She's scared. Scared of being stuck in a tormenting loop. At least if she's working for her she wont be in constant emotional and physical pain for every iteration that Cyn decides to clone. She needed an emotional scene, a proper outburst, of why she's so scared. Honestly J just needed more scenes in general. Especially with Tessa and maybe even the scene where Cyn uses Tessa as a skin suit. Super dark but hooo boy I'd be terrified if I saw a friend suddenly get turned into a suit like how the hell do you even fight back against that??? Anyway that's just my thoughts. May or may not write a one shot, I'd re-write the whole show if I had the confidence but I'm more suited to short stories.

[imbonewary]

I am suuuper writer's blocked right now, so no new chapter, but I did redraw my JumbleTale roster! I will update the blog header soon, but for now...

Here is the main cast, as they appear around the time Serif first arrives in JumbleTale!

Just because I can, I’ll drop some lore as well; everyone’s souls are displayed here and, while monsters do have white souls, the light they give off is tinted slightly, which reflects character traits and magic affinity; not that a monster can't learn magic that doesn't match their soul color, but it's easier to learn magic that does. That said, here's everyone's attributes (and call signs), from left to right:

Serif is a True Blue (Integrity). Technically, Serif isn’t native to JumbleTale so a different set of rules apply to him, but he is still associated with a soul color. Blue, or Dark Blue, is associated with Integrity; not that Serif can’t lie, he actually lies a lot, but he stays true to who he is, to his core beliefs and principles, no matter what he goes through. “Despite everything, it’s still you.”

Lucky Papyrus is a Just Yellow. Despite being raised to be a weapon by [Redacted] Gaster, Papyrus always had a strong sense of right and wrong no matter how much Gaster tried to beat it out of him. He cares less about what’s technically legal than he does about what’s fair.

Sanatos (Sans) is a Persevering Purple. A mix of Patient and Determined, Sans was quite adept in the realm of politics, until he best friend, King Asriel, died in his arms, causing Sans to retreat from everyone and everything. His specialty is to pick apart a problem into its component parts and recognize the intricate web of side effects a potential solution might have.

Hero Frisk and Buttercup Chara are both Determined Reds. I know there’s theories that Red isn’t actually Determination, but I’m going to go with it anyways, at least until a more concrete explanation is available. I’m also going to cover both at the same time because of how connected they are and that comparing the two is the easiest way to describe them both. Despite both being very Red, Frisk leans more towards Brave Orange while Chara leans more towards Persevering Purple, ending up at a more raspberry color. While Frisk is more likely to brute force a solution, Chara will step back and analyze the situation before finessing a solution. While not technically related to soul color, Frisk’s lack of empathy makes him more ready, willing, and able to do literally anything it takes to accomplish his goals, no matter who he hurts along the way.

Amber Alphys is a Brave Orange. Surprisingly. She is the embodiment of the phrase “Courage isn’t the lack of fear; it’s being scared to death and moving forward anyways”. Trained to be a bodyguard and steed in the Labs, she is powerful and skilled in combat but lacks confidence in social interactions, mostly due to lack of experience in her youth.

Starling (Mettaton/Mettané) is a Persevering Purple. As a Purple bordering Determined Red, Metta ends up with a hot pink color and is surprisingly similar to Chara, who is a Red bordering Purple. Metta is just as dramatic as his robotic counterparts but is more focused on puzzles and riddles than entertainment and fame, putting his detective/deduction skills to good use once Gaster erased himself from existence and left a big hole behind. While most interpretations of Mettaton are a bit of a gossip, this Metta doesn’t mind keeping what he learns to himself if the one it’s about wants him to, happy that he was able to find the knowledge at all.

Doc Toriel is a Kind Green. The driving force behind basically everything Tori does is the deep seated need to help others; this is the main reason she accepted the title of Royal Scientist, not because she loves science, but because she wanted to use the position to help the Lab victims. Bordering Cyan, making her more of a teal/turquoise, highlights her nurturing nature. This also makes her the perfect partner for Metta when working with Lab victims, bringing a gentleness Metta lacks while digging into the truth.

Captain Asgore is a Patient Cyan. Rounding out the group, Asgore embodies Patience in every aspect of his life, from training newbie Guards to dealing with the general public as a Peace Keeper. Patience and Kindness often go hand-in-hand, so he is often mistaken for a Kind Green, but he more just utilizes kindness to get the results he wants; however, he knows that some people aren’t motivated by gentle understanding, and Asgore has no problem using force when needed.

While not pictured, I know the soul colors of several other important, or at least interesting, characters as well. [Redacted] Gaster is a Just Yellow, which Papyrus inherited; he could “justify” anything as being “for the greater good.” Queendyne, or Queen Undyne, is a Brave Orange, bordering Red, and is a bit of a political wrecking ball. Frisk’s cousin, Marriweather or Marri, that took them in before they fell is a Kind Green bordering Yellow, making her a sort of olive green, and we’ll see more of her later. Spear Mouse (Scarf Mouse) is a True Blue while Bronze Masque (Nacarat Jester/red demon) is a Patient Cyan, despite his coloration. Doggo and his protégé Tomcat (Burgerpants) are Patient Cyan and Brave Orange respectively; they fit together like puzzle pieces.

I wrote out a ton more, like five paragraphs worth, before realizing I really should just make a new post for background characters and who all is jumbled.

This is the same pic from above but with some extra added bits, like Metta’s eventual robot body and Alphys with just her dress and showing off her stripes. Some interesting notes about design choices, in no particular order, are:

Alphys' coat and dress are the same colors as Papyrus' vest and shirt, respectively.

Doc Tori's apron is her Royal Scientist uniform; white lab coats were optional anyways and she likes differentiating herself from the trauma of The Labs. Before the Underground, the uniform was made of leather and styled more like a Blacksmith's apron, since that's more-or-less what the job entailed, but now days it's just sturdy brown cloth. I always did like brown and purple as a color combo.

Asgore's head and mane were really hard for me to wrap my head around before so this time I took a shortcut and traced Simba from The Lion King before I started messing with the design. He still looks a lot like Simba, for better or worse.

I swapped the stripe colors of Frisk and Chara's shirts, partially to reference their jumbled character traits, but also because I think Yellow Justice suits Hero Frisk and Purple Perseverance suits Buttercup Chara better than the other way around.

Sans is the only Boss Monster displayed here, though Asriel, Undyne, and Gaster are all Boss Monsters as well. Boss Monster souls give off more color than their regular counterparts and this can be used to identify them as early as a few years old. In trying to expand on this I’ve come to realize that I really need to write a full post about how Boss Monsters work in JumbleTale, and probably get into monster reproduction as well.

For Metta's wheelchair, I took colors form Mettaton's original box form. Turns out, wheelchairs are really fucking hard to draw. Metta's in particular is based on a more sporty, versatile wheelchair design rather than the common hospital-style wheelchair.

Asgore and Toriel are often compaired to goats but I always thought they looked like they had some lion-like traits as well. Since Doc Tori and Captain Asgore are not Boss Monsters and are not related in any way, I decided to highlight these differences by making Tori a pure goat monster and Asgore a horned lion.

[fratricideknight]

top 5 merlin characters go !

AHHHH I LOVE THEM ALL I CAN'TTTTTT. bc i adore them all, i'll name them in no particular order depending on how compelling i think they are.

i can say that lancelot is my favourite in every way. listen. he's just so lovely and cool and softly spoken. and i just. i make jokes about him being perfect, but i honestly don't think he is. i might not like him if he was. he's sad and overly devoted to the point of self-ruin, and his humility and endless pursuit of nobility sometimes do more harm than good. e.g. when he left gwen bc arthur liked her without asking how she felt. he's "everything the knight's code stands for" so he's also something of an examination of the knight's code and its ethics?? where those ethics fail, where the rules must be bent for the sake of goodness (for instance, lance keeping merlin's secret even though he hates lying). which, of course, i want to see when watching a medieval chivalry show. he's just so compelling to me. he's just like me fr. i, in no way, shape or form, self-insert as sir lancelot. absolutely none. he was so underutilised. i was robbed of self-insert content. i am normal about him. not to mention his dynamic with every character he interacted with was gold. he deserved to spend time with more characters. e.g. morgana. i would KILL to have an arc about his response to the oppression of magic users and morgana's ideology. he trusts in systems of power and wants so desperately to be a knight of camelot - how would he respond when that quite possibly contradicts the righteous course of action?? which is more important to him?? would he be swayed by the allegiances of the people he loves, thereby showing a major chink in his nobility?? please. i need this to be explored more in fanon.

okay listen. gaius. it's widely acknowledged that his dynamic with uther is almost the grown-up version of merlin and arthur's. by the time season 5 rolls around, merlin has been groomed very well into becoming the next gaius. he would watch his kin burn at the stake for the sake of a "promised kingdom" "a better future" which he is convinced will be brought about by arthur even if he hates magic. literally what gaius did. he was kept alive despite practicing magic bc he was uther's friend and confidant. but he isn't just loyal to uther in the way that merlin becomes doggedly loyal to arthur. he also adores merlin. it's super interesting to think about where the hope for the chosen one who will help arthur unite albion ends and his devotion to his surrogate son begins. if he had to choose between merlin and arthur, who would he choose? has he been utterly sucked in by the prophecy like merlin eventually is or does he retain enough love for merlin that he would toss it aside? i need answers

morgana was done so, so unbelievably dirty. but she's so fucking interesting. i'm just gonna toss aside botched canon characterisation for a sec and talk about her arc like it was done well. she was uther's beloved ward, valued but (bc she didn't know she was his daughter) dispensable, unlike arthur. maybe uther would never execute his son, the crown prince and sole heir, but her? uther is so mad with hatred and emotionally withdrawn that she can't possibly know where she stands. she's plagued by haunting dreams which she swears show the future but can't discuss openly, with absolutely no one to turn to. her attempt to connect with the druids ends in their being slaughtered. when she finally knows she has magic, she is forced to watch her own father figure execute people like her, alone and scared. no one tells her anything, she is in the dark and utterly alone. she clings to the first person who tries to connect with her, who also happens to be her sister - a family relation who isn't, at least outwardly, pro murdering sorcerers. then her own friend, who tells her nothing, fucking poisons her. no explanation. the only one she receives is no doubt a twisted one from morgause. before, she was conflicted by her love for uther to the point that she couldn't go through with killing him, but when she finally reaches a stage where she must resolve to murder her own surrogate father because he's a horrible tyrant, she's the villain. she's told that it's not right to kill him, that she should stand by and watch him kill. by people she considered allies. then she learns that this bastard is actually her father ;_; and then the whole "mOrGanA wANtS tHe ThRonE" "sHe'S jUsT lIkE uThEr" arc begins and it all goes downhill. (it is absolute bullshit that morgana coveted power that badly 💀 she wanted to live in the woods with the druids before they were all murdered before her eyes. if she wants power, it's so she can change things, not for selfish reasons.) the writers had to make her do drastic, ooc things like shooting innocent citizens of camelot to turn her into a villain, bc she simply wasn't wrong lmaoooo. the girl who handed out food to the poor and rode out to defend a village outside of camelot's borders for her friend's sake suddenly despises both the people and her friends. feelings do not suddenly change that drastically, i'm afraid. if they added in something about morgause brainwashing her, it would make so much more sense, but if they did that then morgana would be a tragic antagonist and WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!!! SHE MUST MAKE POTIONS WITH BABIES' GUTS JUST BECAUSE!!!

nimueh was only around for one season but she was so interesting. she's kind of a mix between gaius and morgana. used to be uther's friend, but after being betrayed by him became vindictive. she, too, was labelled a villain for attempting to strike out at a nasty tyrant 💀 young women on this show are either arthur's love interests or villains, istg. instead of playing the "why did she go about hurting uther in an evil way?" card like i did with morgana, bc we never saw her before she turned "evil" and therefore cannot speak on the legitimacy of her characterisation, i'm just going to accept that she's willing to make innocent people suffer to hurt uther. in that way, the writers could have drawn a contrast between her and morgana; nimueh goes about bringing uther down in an immoral way, whereas morgana is righteous in her actions. but ofc. we can't have that. speaking again about her relationship with uther: she gives some level of insight into the person he was and the person he became. he wasn't brought up to hate magic but rather came to that - utterly illogical - conclusion on his own and was willing to toss aside a loyal friend and an entire group of people bc he could not bear the consequences of his own actions.

everything seems to come back to uther. he's at the centre of it all, the main driving force. without him the plot simply would not exist. he's irredeemable, literally a genocidal murderer. not to mention a man who betrays his friends and unfairly pressures his son and to an extent values his pride above his people. there is no redemption arc for him. which makes these little glimpses of something else so interesting. a broken husband mourning his wife, a father worried for his son, a man haunted by visions of what he did. the concept that he built camelot from the ground up commends him as a good ruler, and to an extent he is. he's jaded, and makes heartless but practical decisions, unlike arthur in the early seasons, but ultimately he cares for the kingdom over his own son. as time goes on and arthur's burden increases, even he - our lovable hero - becomes more like uther. how did uther's rise to power change him like arthur's did? i wonder if uther built camelot with magic and what tearing out that essential pillar of his kingdom felt like. if he feels lost without its support, if he regretted his decision but his pride and the weight of what he'd already done just caused him to double down harder to avoid holding himself accountable. again, he's irredeemable, but he deserves good faith character analysis which many people don't afford him in favour of calling him profanities. understandable - but still.

it genuinely caused me great amounts of pain to choose. i mean it when i say i love all of them, and could wax poetic about them as characters. i think the reason 3 of the core 4 aren't on the list is bc they were around for so long that the writers had plenty of time to botch their arcs and it was just so much more pronounced with them. the way arthur wasn't allowed to hold an intelligent thought for more than 2 seconds?? the way gwen was gradually reduced to just "star-crossed love interest"?? it frustrates me so much that i'm not naming them just to be petty tbh. morgana suffered the worst, imo. they did her so dirty that i just want to toss aside canon and talk about her potential.

anyway. apologies for that essay. thanks for asking!!!

[jodithann827]

Pretty Woman 6/11

Rating: Explicit /posted on AO3 / tagging @today-in-fic

Waldorf Astoria

Penthouse

Sunday

9:05 am

She hears him moving around the room, his feet clomping around, though she can tell that he’s at least attempting to be quiet. She can smell his cologne as he moves closer to where she lay on the bed. Settled face down, the soft sheets tickle her bare and sensitive skin, having not bothered putting pajamas back on after their third round the previous evening, or rather early this morning. Her sex has never been this sore, and she has had a lot of sex, so that’s saying something. She feels the bed dip, her eyes still closed, holding onto the last bit of sleep she can. She feels Mulder’s soft hand against her cheek.

“Good morning,” she whispers, arching to stretch her sore muscles. Mulder bends down and kisses her shoulder. “Good morning,” he replies. She opens her eyes to see him grinning down at her.

“Either I was dead to the world and didn’t feel you move, or you stayed in bed all night,” she observes, sitting up and pulling the sheet around her bare breasts. She knows she shouldn’t be self-conscious, especially after the things he did to her body the previous evening, but at the moment she feels like the bedding is her armor.

“I haven’t slept that well in years,” he admits. She smiles, secretly proud that she was able to help him, at least for one night.

“Time to get up,” he informs her. “It’s time to go shopping.” He hands her his credit card. “I’m surprised you didn’t get more things yesterday.” Scully’s heart drops some, along with her affect. Seeing the change, Mulder raises an eyebrow, as if to ask her what’s wrong.

“It wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be,” she tells him honestly, shrugging her shoulders. He waits for more of an explanation. “They were mean to me.” Her voice and demeanor are slightly childlike.

“Mean to you?” he repeats, softly. She nods. He shakes his head, unable to understand how anyone could be mean to this magnificent creature. He stands and goes to the bedside table, picks up the phone, dials, and waits.

“Diana,” he says after a pause. “I wanted to let you know that I’ll be in a bit later this morning. If I need anything, I’ll call you.” He hangs up abruptly before giving the person on the other end a chance to respond.

He goes back to the bed, takes Scully’s hands, and tells her, “Come on. Shower and get dressed. We’re going shopping.”

Beverly Hills

10:30 am

Mulder reaches for Scully’s hand as they cross the street. She feels confident and safe, knowing Mulder is with her this time. She’s known him for such a short amount of time, but she somehow intuits that he would not let anything happen to her. She’s wearing her same miniskirt, but this time she also has one of Mulder’s crisp white button-down shirts, tied at the end for a better fit on her tiny frame as she walks confidently next to him.

“Stores aren’t nice to people,” he explains to her, “they’re nice to credit cards.” He pauses outside of a well-to-do-looking shop, much bigger than the small boutique from the previous day. “Stop fidgeting,” he instructs. A nervous habit dies hard. As confident as she feels, she can’t shake the jumpiness that usually overcomes her.

Upon walking into the store, Mulder immediately asks for the manager. A man approaches, somewhere in his early forties, with thinning hair and short stature.

“Good morning,” Mulder extends a hand. “You’re the manager of this shop?” he asks, getting down to business.

“Melvin Frohike,” the small man replies.

“I’m Fox Mulder-” Mulder begins.

“Yes sir, of course, sir, I thought that was you,” Frohike interrupts.

“See my friend over there?” Mulder asks, pointing towards the door, where Scully is still standing awkwardly, picking the cuticles on her nails. Frohike looks in the direction Mulder is gesturing and nods. “She’s hot,” he lets slip, then, turning beet-red, he profusely apologizes.

Mulder gives him some version of the stink-eye but glosses over the comment, secretly proud to have such a beautiful woman on his arm, so to speak.

“Well, Mr. Frohike. I would like you to know that we will be spending an obscene amount of money in your store and will require a lot of assistance.” Beside him, Scully grins like the Cheshire cat.

“Yes sir, of course, sir,” he responds to Mulder. He snaps his fingers and two assistants, both women, saunter over with catalogs. Scully is escorted to a chair, a woman flanking her on each side, showing her pages in the catalogs.

Mulder watches Scully with adoration as salesperson after salesperson brings her clothes. Solids. Patterns. Pieces of cotton. Silks. He can tell she is slightly overwhelmed, although she hides it well. At one point a saleswoman plops an oversized hat on Scully’s head, which evokes a giant belly laugh from her.

Sometime later, while Scully continues to be fawned over by multiple individuals, Frohike approaches Mulder, who is leaning against a display counter.

“How are things going Mr. Mulder?” he asks, curiously. Without lifting his eyes from the paper he’s engrossed in, Mulder replies, “I think we’re going to need a lot more sucking up.” Without missing a beat Frohike replies, “I knew from the moment you walked in here you are not only a handsome man but a powerful one…” Mulder’s eyes leave the paper and travel up to Frohike. With a quizzical look on his face, he tells him, “Not me. Her.” Frohike nods, blushing, and makes his way back over to Scully.

Placing the paper to the side, Mulder reaches into his pocket and withdraws his cell phone. Punching in a familiar number, he waits.

“Diana, I wanted to check in and see how it’s going.”

“Fox, where are you? When you called and said you would be late I didn’t think you meant this late,” a disgruntled Diana spits out. Mulder smiles, secretly enjoying getting a rise out of her.

“Don’t worry, Diana, I’ll be there soon. I had something to take care of this morning. How are things over there?”

“Well I spoke to Mr. Spender this morning and he is starting to get impatient. He would like an answer to his question. What happened last night?”

“He made me an offer I need to decide if I want to refuse,” Mulder replied, vaguely. When he was met with silence from the other end, he added, “I’ll explain when I get there. I’m leaving now.

He ends the call and places the phone back in his pocket, then walks over to Scully. She gazes up from her chair, a radiating smile on her face.

“I have to go to work,” he announces to everyone. “You look wonderful,” he tells her, as she is currently wearing a pin-striped suit jacket with a matching skirt. He bends to kiss her cheek. Standing, he looks at Frohike and tells him, “She has my credit card.” Then he bids them adieu and makes for the door.

Scully continues to try on various outfits over the next few hours. She is showered with scarves, hats, dresses, blazers; any type of clothing she could want. At one point a salesman is helping her into a pair of shoes while Mr. Frohike looks on.

“That’s a fantastic tie,” Scully tells the man. “I think Mulder would love that tie. He would look amazing in it,” she continues. Frohike snaps his fingers at the man.

“Take off the tie,” he instructs him. The salesman, dumbfounded, puts the shoes down and begins removing his tie. Handing it to Scully, she thanks him, explaining, “I think Mulder would love this tie.”

**********

Three hours later, she leaves the shop with several employees trailing behind her, per Frohike’s request, carrying several different-sized bags filled to the brim with clothes and shoes. She struts down Rodeo Drive, much more poised in her step than when she was there last time, her head held high in a wide-brimmed black hat and white gloves that reach midway up her arm, a distinguished aura surrounding her. Her dress is cream-colored and held closed by six vertical black and white buttons, and her red hair is pulled into a low but sophisticated ponytail.

Suddenly, realizing where she is, she makes a sharp right turn, entering yet another shop. Inside, several customers look at her in awe, admiration on their faces, no doubt envious of her attire.

“Excuse me,” Scully announces, confidence exuding from her. The sales lady looks up.

“Can I help you?” she asks, appropriately and respectfully.

“Do you remember me?” Scully asks. The second sales lady approaches.

“I’m sorry I don’t,” she responds, her eyes looking over Scully, trying to place her.

“I was in here yesterday,” Scully informs her. “You wouldn’t help me. You work on commission, right?” she asks. The woman nods, the knowledge of the previous day sinking in. Scully holds up her many shopping bags, looks the woman in the eye, and informs her, “Big mistake! Huge. I have to go shopping now.” Scully turns on her heel and walks out the door. She feels light, and dare she think it, happy.

Scully makes her way back to the hotel, courtesy of Langly, Mulder’s limo driver. She strides confidently through the lobby, hotel employees following her with her many bags. Walter Skinner, talking to a colleague, notices her and smiles, shaking his head and chuckling to himself.

In the penthouse, she pulls money out of her clutch purse and tips the bellboys. Once they retreat, she flops on the chair and takes her hat off, smiling because she is amazed and proud of herself at the moment.

The Grill on the Alley

Beverly Hills

2:00 pm

Mulder and Diana sit opposite each other. The restaurant is busy, filled with the hustle and bustle of customers and staff. They chose a small secluded table in the corner, though most likely for different reasons.

“I don’t know that much about him,” Diana tells him, digging into the salad she’d ordered. “I have heard that he is ruthless and does what he needs to get what he wants.”

Mulder gives her a slight raise of his brow, knowing the lengths Diana would go to accomplish the same thing. “I’m mulling some things over,” he finally says with a neural, don’t worry about it, tone.

“Well, whatever it is he wants from you, give it to him so we can close this deal and be done with it,” she insists.

“Trying to get rid of me?” he asks.

“Oh Fox, please, you know you can’t stay away from California too long. You’ll go back to New York for a bit, but it will only be a matter of time before I see you again. You always come back.”

“It seems like it’s getting harder and harder to leave,” he admits, resigned.

“You could stay, you know,” she replies, her voice filled with elation and hope.

“Maybe…”

Diana looks to where Mulder is gazing, at nothing in particular. “Fox, what is wrong with you? You are acting… I don’t know, but you’re not acting like yourself; you’re acting bizarre,” she confronts him.

“I have a lot to think about, Diana. I’ll have an answer for Spender soon.”

“The money,” she tries to argue, one last time.

“It’s not always about money,” he replies, flatly, which shocks an almost unflappable Diana.

“You’ve never felt this way before,” she states.

“People change,” is his only retort.

Waldorf Astoria

Penthouse

4:00 pm

Scully sits on one of the dining room chairs, one leg crossed over the other. She is stark naked, save for the tie she got for Mulder. She hears his key in the door and braces herself, knowing this will either be a hit or a miss. She’s starting to know Mulder and not just in the physical sense. She understands him, she thinks.

“Hello, dearest,” she says in a deep and sultry voice as Mulder rounds the corner and comes into view. He’s looking down at the stack of papers in his hand, but at the sound of her voice, he looks up, drops them, and develops a shit-eating grin on his face. Scully smiles, knowing she made the right choice.

He’s on her in an instant, wanting to touch her everywhere. After being with him for just two days, she can’t believe how much she has learned about him, physically. She’s amazed at how much of a tactile person he is, touching her even outside of sex. His mouth descends on her breasts, sucking and tugging a nipple between his teeth. Scully thinks about their encounters the previous evening and how she was a bystander for much of the night, letting Mulder assault her in the best of ways. She knows she doesn’t want to sit idly by this time. She moves her hands to his shirt, gripping it with all her strength, and pulls it open, buttons flying everywhere. Mulder lets go of her breast, moving his hands to undo his pants. He is already hard, straining against his suit pants. In that instant, she knows this is going to be quick.

Master Bathroom

4:45 pm

The welcoming sounds of soft music flood the heated bathroom. The lights are dim, some natural light peeking through the large window. Scully takes a washcloth and moves it gently side to side over Mulder’s masculine arms, arms that are wrapped around her small frame. They are soaking in the tub, completely sated after their coupling. He places tender kisses down the side of her porcelain neck. Mulder is pondering what to say to her. Tell me about your family, she had said minutes before. She’s waiting patiently for him to start talking.

“There’s not a lot to tell,” Mulder confides in her. “My family was never the same after Samantha’s diagnosis and eventual passing. My mother was a music teacher; piano,” he tells her proudly.

“Mmm,” Scully responds, encouraging him to continue.

“Following Sam’s death she tried to keep teaching, but being around all those kids was too painful. After she left teaching she tried giving piano lessons, but again, after a while, it made her too sad.” Mulder pauses thoughtfully. “She didn’t have that spark anymore.”

“Well,” Scully starts, shifting to face Mulder. She dips the washcloth in the warm water and brings it to his chest. “She must have excelled at one point because she taught you.” Mulder blushes slightly, red hues creeping up his neck. “What about your father?” she asks cautiously, remembering Mulder mentioning that he hasn’t seen him in over a decade.

“My father was always wealthy. Grew up in it and then made his own. He met my mother and fell in lust, I guess you could say. I know they were fond of each other, but I don’t know if they were ever in love. He uh, I guess he tried to be a good father and husband, at least he attempted to do what he thought he needed to. He provided for his family, but there wasn’t a lot of warmth.” He stops for another second to gather his thoughts. “The most outward display of love was when Sam was diagnosed. He was home more, and attentive, not just to Sam but to me, too. But then she got worse and so did his behavior; his drinking. Not long after Sam died, he left my mother for another woman and he took his money with him. They divorced when I was fourteen and my mother passed away when I was sixteen. I had to spend two years with that man before I could leave and go to college. It was nice to finally get away; I felt freer then than I had in a long time. I still think about them, Sam and my mom, often, but their memories don’t hold me hostage as they once did.”

Scully goes back to running her gentle hands over Mulder’s arms. Content, she thinks, warmth in her heart. However, deep down she worries, ever so slightly, that she’s possibly becoming too attached.

[notmoreflippingelves]

How a Hypothetical “Apollo Justice 2″ Would  Bridge the Gap between the Takumi and Yamazaki Eras (Part 1)

I actually had a post-nap/ half-awake clarity realization that a lot of (but not necessarily all) of people's complaints about DD (and  to a lesser extent SOJ ) being "bad"/"ooc"/wrong direction/too much of a re-set could actually be resolved fairly efficiently or at least be minimized significantly by a few minor rewrites to DD and the insertion of a hypothetical "new" game set between AJ and DD. As this post 1)  is very long, 2) has been sitting half-finished in my drafts for over six months now, I am going to break up my thoughts into at least 2 posts. 

Complaint 1: “Apollo has had pretty much nothing to do/barely any development/too much "backstory" and not enough other characterization.”

In hypothetical “Apollo Justice 2″ Apollo would be the main (if not the *only*) player character. This would center him more in the story than in the other games in which he appears. 

Even though it bears Apollo’s  name, AJ is much more "Phoenix, Trucy, and the Gavin brothers'" story than Apollo's. And DD is very much "Athena and Blackquill's" story, even though Apollo has more "playtime" than Athena in said story. And even though SOJ is technically Apollo's story (or at least his and Nayhuta's jointly), it can be hard to tell, given all the skipping around between player characters and/or locations.

Given the complaints that the creators keep throwing backstory tidbits at Apollo and hoping they'll stick, said game would not add anything to the exhaustive list of existing Apollo backstory. Instead, it would build upon/introduce earlier/provide context to the backstory we already have .

In essence, we would operate on a similar characterization model to what Miles Edgeworth goes through in  the Ace Attorney Investigations games.  That is to say...Apollo would still be the clear protagonist and undergo the most change/development...even when it's not "his" story and little to nothing is “added” to his existing backstory.  His development would come through an internal conflict or paradigm shift rather than an external one.

Similar to AAI 2 and its underlying themes of parenthood and family legacy, Apollo Justice 2 could focus on new  characters experiencing  abandonment/neglect and/or who feel mistrustful and betrayed by those around them. All of which would mirror Apollo’s own struggle to move on from abandonment and betrayal by his mentor figures (Dhurke, Phoenix, and Kristoph, most of all) . His primary arc/goal could be learning to trust again or reaching a point again where he finally feels “safe” at not being betrayed or abandoned again.

Apollo Justice 2 would also provide  a great opportunity to bring Clay into Apollo’s story a bit sooner to give his death in DD more context and resonance.. Maybe he's a witness (or even a temporary assistant if Trucy is busy "magic-ing").  In any case, he is a friend that Apollo has who is totally separate from law and/or the WAA, which gives him the unique opportunities to bring out Apollo’s “fun” side and more importantly, be a logical  person that Apollo can confide in about any frustrations/struggles/insecurities concerning WAA and/or lawyering and/or the Gavins.

Additionally, Thalassa/Lamiroir could return as a witness/assistant as well, and we could get some nice bonding moments  between her, Apollo, and Trucy.  There’s some lovely potential for situational irony with the players having the additional context that Apollo lacks. A uncomfortable moment where someone tells Thalassa she’s good with kids and would make a great parent if she wanted to. A poignant  moment where Thalassa confides that she’s afraid of being rejected by loved ones  that would provide a plausible explanation as to why she hasn’t revealed that she’s Apollo and Trucy’s mom yet.)  Perhaps even the opportunity for her to use the same “perceive” abilities she passed on to her kids (and Apollo remaining oblivious to the significance of this). 

Complaint 2:  “Why Introduce the MASON system /Jurist System if you’re Just Going to Abandon it?”

Personally, I don’t really have a problem with dropping the MASON system given some of the obvious ethical ramifications  (tfw you create a new legal system to settle a personal vendetta and are able to hand-pick the jury most likely to rule in your favor). 

 I’m willing to accept in the context of the game given that 1) it’s a cool narrative device/game mechanic and 2) we know Kristoph is guilty and the only way to take him down is to employ his own methods (legal loopholes and corruption of legal processes) against him.

But as I realize that I’m in the minority here, I think that revisiting the MASON system a few more times could provide a plausible canon explanation as to how and why it was abandoned. 

I think the best way to use the MASON system in AJ 2 is to have it be part of a “trial phase” of the new system.  Although it was used to great success in the Vera Misham trial, it seems unrealistic that the court would immediately pivot to every trial in the courts being presented in this way. 

A few “test cases” of MASON  would allow a more thorough evaluation of the system before a decision is made about whether to adopt it. Maybe 2-3 (out of 5) of the trials  in AJ 2 would be MASON cases and the others would be “regular” cases. And at the end of the game (and due to the corruptions found through the system), the decision is reached to abandon the system (perhaps leaving the door open to try it again in a few years once they figure out how best to fix the issues presented). 

In my mind, there are two obvious flaws in the Jurist System and/or MASON system (as it is presented in 4-4)  that are ripe for exploitation by unscrupulous persons. Either (or preferably both) of these problems could be presented in the context of Apollo Justice 2, and these potentially could end up being the canon-justification that the system is abandoned.

The first flaw  is the potential for jury tampering , perhaps through bribery (of jurors to rule a certain way and/or the judge/lawyers to accept a specific juror), and/or perhaps through extortion/blackmail/intimidation of jurors (think Maya’s kidnapping in 2-4 but instead, the jurors/their loved ones are  the ones being threatened). Or even just someone with connections/influence being able to “stack” the jury with their friends and allies (*cough Phoenix cough*) and thereby ensure the verdict they want. 

The second is the increased potential for evidence tampering. As we know, falsified and/or manipulated evidence is already a massive problem in the AA universe, and introducing new technology in the form of a “simulation recreation/game” like the MASON system just introduces an entirely new opportunity for evidence to be deleted, manipulated and/or fabricated in a way that predisposes one verdict over another. 

Given what we see in AJ,  I think it’s reasonable to assume the MASON system functions broadly similar to Kay’s “Little Thief” in the sense that information is fed into it by a person and a simulation/recreation is  therefore “created” based on that data. Now imagine that the person inputting that data  into the MASON system has something to hide. Consider how easy it would be for them to change the simulation in a way that intentionally implicated an innocent person and/or to erase/alter the evidence in a way that “proves” a guilty suspect is “innocent.” 

Either of the two above scenarios  has the potential for an exciting dramatic finale for AJ 2 while also providing context/explanations for the system’s absence in DD/SOJ. 

[antlerqueer]

So Yellowjackets is supposed to have a 5 series arc (I think that's what I read?) Frankly I like this idea because it means the creators have a fairy good idea of where the show is going and how it ends which is nice since way too many shows stay on far longer than they should but what are your thoughts and where do you see the show going into season 2 and beyond?

Yeah! Warning: LONG POST AHEAD! Cut provided for anyone scrolling the dash who isn't interested.

I will say I am manifesting a confirmation of all 5 seasons by the end of 2023.

General storytelling thoughts: My understanding is that Yellowjackets was created with a 5 season arc in mind, and I believe they pitched it with ideally 5 seasons which is likely part of the reason previous networks didn't want it (could also be the violent cannibalism in the pilot who knows!). From what I know of TV (a few friends in the live action tv industry, my years marketing in entertainment) people write first seasons hoping for a season 2 but good writers make a season 1 that can be cancelled. Which, if they cancelled the show after season 1, it would wrap up enough of the main plots to keep people satisfied though wanting more with that cliffhanger.

As a person who loves an organized showrunner, knowing they've come in with a 5 season plan makes me really really confident. My favorite show, Mr. Robot, was adapted from a movie screenplay to a specifically 4-season run, and I think the writers/runners knowing their full plan going in makes a show better, tighter, and more interesting. I'm a survivor of PLL's 7 seasons so I have been dragged through terrible development before and fortunately I don't see it happening here, especially not when Ashley Nickerson and Bart Lyle now have an overall contract with Showtime. If you don't know what that means, basically it means even if Yellowjackets ended tomorrow they are guaranteed more projects - whether it's a certain number of projects or a certain type of project is up to the contract. What that says to me is that Showtime wants to invest in quality showrunners, since places like Netflix and HBO/Warner are really facing the brunt of "so much content, not enough quality" criticisms after canceling series after series of fictional content. It also says they, fingers crossed, won't be extending Yellowjackets just to keep paychecks coming. Viacom in general, though I am biased, likes to keep things running. They own quite a few networks with "legacy shows" (think: Spongebob, Drag Race [despite it being moved across all their networks], Wild N' Out, Billions, The Chi).

Anyway less politics of television more talking plot - I hope that, if we keep the same pace, we have the fifth season as the only season where we see the girls in 1997 post-rescue. While I think the post-rescue stuff will be interesting, I do not think we need more than a season of it because we can fill in the blanks already for at least Taissa and Shauna with season 1's info.

Season 2 predictions: I think we're definitely going to end the season with 1 of 2 shots: Shauna giving birth, The First Cannibalism. The way the timeline worked for season 1, it was like 4-5 months out there? And now that winter has come I can see the show slowing down to emphasize just how long winter is for the girls, and to give us room to empathize and pity them for their descent into cannibalism. Shauna will transition from our Main Girlie (Teen) into Lottie being our Main Girlie (Teen) and as we learn more about adult Lottie we'll see more teen Lottie and Van. I think we'll also get more of Taissa's background unlocked a bit with Van coming back into the picture and obviously explanations surrounding That Finale.

Where season 1 really focused on the relationship between Shauna and Jackie (the narrative of survival versus society, where Shauna struggles between the authentic [Taissa] and society's expectations [Jackie]), I see us transitioning more to Taissa struggling with her otherwise rational girlfriend's tunnelvision faith in Lottie and her powers. Therefore weighing the natural [Shauna, presumably representing natural with her pregnancy storyline] and the supernatural [Lottie, who is dividing Van's attention].) We may see some parallels to Taissa's relationship with Van and Shauna's relationship with Jackie, and I presume Shauna will be a grounding force for Taissa as her nighttime "walks" and dirt sessions become more frequent. I see the two as keeping each other in check, whereas Nat and Misty just kind of drive each other further into mess.

For Natalie, I see us learning more about her time with Travis as an adult and we'll probably see their teen counterparts struggle with the new "religion" and probably be the first and loudest two to take a stand against her. This may be what finally aligns teen Taissa with teen Natalie, and could ultimately lead to the Tai/Van breakup. Natalie and Travis are likely going to do the best they can to not succumb to cannibalism and I firmly believe that the three girls (not including Misty, I'll get to her) will come together and bond over their fear of what Lottie's doing.

With Shauna, we'll obviously see how the investigation goes into Adam and the fallout with Callie. Cannot wait to see Jeff and Shauna gaslight their own daughter into thinking everything is fine and no one killed anyone. Her teen storyline, as I mentioned, will revolve around her pregnancy, supporting Taissa, and staying safe under Lottie's reign. Jason Ritter is noted to guest star, I think he might play an officer asking questions about how she knew Adam. (He did play an officer in Candy.)

Finally, we're getting Misty's personal detective show. I think that her obsession with Natalie is going to get us into full-tilt Citizen Detective Misty Mode. We're going to get one of these two plots with Walter if my hunch is correct: Walter is investigating Adam going missing, or Walter is going to help Misty investigate Natalie going missing but realize there's more to the story than Misty will give him. Either way, she'll be dual-wielding Citizen Detective info on the detective end and the criminal end. We may see her interacting with Shauna more as an adult. As a teen, we know she's going to make a new friend who is into theatre. Either Walter dies at her hand, or both Walter and Crystal die and she now loves Andrew Lloyd Weber in honor of her first real friend that she eats. I know her teen plotline is also going to involve her trying to get power through the cult, it seems clear from the finale that teen Misty found her way "back into" (was she ever really in?) the trust of the team and she'll do anything to keep it since the consequences are now life or death.

I haven't a clue what we're getting with Van and Lottie and I kind of like that, it gives me something to not have expectations on and not theorize about and just go with the flow with.

Of course, I'm open to most things happening within reason. I will be upset if they decide to go a route that is disrespectful to indigenous cultures, such as using w* for a plotline to explain the supernatural. Hopefully, since we see Courtney Eaton's identity being respected in casting her older actress, we'll see similar respect for other indigenous peoples in that plot unfolding. I think the writers are much better than taking from indigenous lore and can work with a lot of other possibilities. Maybe by the end of this season we'll find out if it's supernatural or all in their heads, but I don't think I ever truly will need an answer to that. I don't mind that ambiguity.

Let me know if there's anything else you wanna know my thoughts on! Honestly I could talk about this show for hours upon hours upon hours, so I love getting asks like this! If you read this far, let me know what you're thinking about seasons 2 and 3 and hopefully 4 and 5!

[clay-cuttlefish]

Finishing out Rebirth. Turns out this is actually a pretty decent era, things only get really rough in Infinite Frontier.

Lois Lane #6

Have I mentioned that this series is good? It's good. Lois is the best.

#7

I like that the blue mist accentuates how inhuman Renee must seem to the people she fights without being too weird. The facelessness has lost its creep factor after hundreds of issues.

"I feel like you could have handled that better." Lmao.

It's very funny that Renee is, like, Clark's wife's work friend that he met at a gathering once. They've been In A Comic Together before, but they're barely acquaintances. It's nice when the Questions are sort of tangential to the wider hero world.

#8

Big fan of the flirty skeleton assassin fight.

Clark and Lois are such a good couple it's ridiculous.

#9

Renee going from being awkward and impressed by Superman to bossing Batman around with a shit eating grin is great. The brooding doesn't work on her, dude, she knows you're cringe.

I'm amazed how well the series handles its tone shifts. It moves from dumb banter with Batman to a look at the harm done by ICE to meeting a witch within one issue is a lot.

#10

This explanation of the multiverse is the only reason I have any confidence in my understanding of canon.

It does such a good job engaging with how weird it is to live in a world where retcons happen and how that'd affect people outside of dramatic cosmic events and sweeping hero drama.

Helenarenee real <3333

The big multiverse spread also has Batwoman, The Shadow, and Flash-ish Renees, which is a neat little assortment.

#11

This twist should probably feel like more of an ass pull but I am so on board with lesbian skeleton enemies to lovers.

#12

What a good epilogue. Keeping the multiverse aspects grounded works so well, and it creates a really interesting space for worldbuilding with multiverse weirdness being public and acknowledged.

I wish Elicia was acknowledged more. They don't need to still be together, but at the very least Renee's assassin girlfriend from another dimension who she saved with the power of true love feels like someone who should impact her relationship with Kate.

Mandela effect discourse in this world must be wild.

Leviathan Dawn

Even more nonsense than Event Leviathan proper. At least that had charming moments.

Checkmate

All the characterization here is a mess.

It's very funny that everyone gets titles like "The Truth" and "The Wildcard", and job descriptions like "Spymaster" and "Operations", and then Vic doesn't have either. Even the introductory text doesn't know what his job is meant to be here.

Vic and Oliver get to hang out, and it's acknowledged they've worked together, but Vic is so weirdly written that it's missing all the charm.

Literally what is Vic's job. Why is he on this team. He doesn't do anything other than chill with Oliver.

Reflections of the Heart

What if the 2006 characterization of Vic, but actually interesting?

I still don't love it, but there's a clear intent here, it works.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi to whoever is reading this! I hope you’ve had a good week and you’ll approach this weekend with a smile!

I have an anxiety/panic disorder, I am a people pleaser and a problem solver. For the past year or so the thing that has triggered the anxiety has been my best friend. And that sounds horrible - but let me explain. I’ve known this best friend for over 11 years now and we’ve had our fair share of discussions and struggles - but we can’t live without each other. Over the past year she has started picking fights about - to me - very unimportant things. I’ve always been very understanding, because maybe the thing I said hit different and I can’t judge someone for that. My friend would then crop up their feelings and finally send me a couple of paragraphs with whatever annoyed them about me or something surrounding me. Like I said, I’ve always been understanding - trying to look at it from their perspective and giving an explanation. Every single time, we talk it out and it is done.

But this time it is different and I’m currently riding the wave of my fifth panic attack over it. This time they’ve decided to not tell me something is wrong, they’ve decided to just not say anything. A full on silent treatment. But because I do not know why I’ve been given the silent treatment, my body goes into anxiety mode because it can’t problem solve this. And now… well.. I’m a bit lost. It is tiring. Mainly because this is giving me anxiety, but the confrontation is also scaring me.

I don’t know if this is even something to send in into this askbox… but at least it is out of my head now!

Big hug 🧡

Hey there,

I can only imagine how badly this must be affecting you! Not only can it be tough when we have a disagreement with a friend but to be given the silent treatment and not knowing at all why or what has transpired to it getting to that stage must be horrible!

I think that the best thing you can do right now is to be there for yourself and just try to be kind and taking each day as they come. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about your friend unless they are willing to talk to you about things and what is going on, but you can put things in place to help to protect you from further hurt and anxiety. For example, trying to remind yourself that there is only so much you can do right now in terms of with your friend and so consequently knowing that you have not done anything wrong and especially as your friend has not confided in you with what is going on. It’s also important to reassure yourself that whatever is going on, it’s probably more to do with your friend than you and this is not your fault at all, you have done nothing wrong!

I know that all of that is much easier said than done and so just try to take each day as they come and know that until or if your friend communicates with you again, all you can do is to try to move on if you can and know that you are not a bad friend for doing this. But it’s not worth worrying about something that we have little or no control over as this will only worsen our anxiety and make it really difficult to think clearly in other situations that we may find ourselves in.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and/ or at the very least it has helped you to get all of this out! Please also do know that we are here for you and if we can help to support you in any other way then please do let us know!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[the-silent-hashira]

Love to hear about a reincarnation au for you and Lucifer!

i went ham so i'm just gonna put it under a readmore lmao its basically a fic now

“You know, I really am completely unimpressed with the selection of baked goods in the cafeteria here. Its like they aren’t even trying! I’ve had better food at a dive bar in Hell than this. Earth is so… Boring.”

“In Hell?” A soft chuckled came from Auriel. “You act as if you’ve been there before. I mean, I agree, Earth is rather boring and the cafeteria sucks, but I don’t think you’d be here right now if you knew what eating at a dive bar in Hell is like.”

“Of course I’ve eaten at a dive bar in Hell! Don’t you remember, Auriel? Its where we met.” Lucifer laughed, but the face on the other man was shocked to say the least.

“I’m sorry, have we met before?” The voice was unsure, but curious, “I’m sure that we’ve never met… And certainly not at a dive bar in Hell…”

“... You don’t remember yet,” Lucifers face twisted into something between pain and disappointment, “Well, I suppose thats alright… It took me a bit to remember myself.”

“Uhm, I don’t,” Auriel shuffled, uncomfortable, “Sir, are you alright? I think you might be mistaken.” How do you deal with a man talking about ‘remembering’ things like hes your old friend from high school?

“Yes, yes, I’m sorry, I should introduce myself! My name is Lucif- Lucien Magne. I’m-”

“You’re the new CEO,” suddenly, the other mans entire demeanor changed, as if something in him flicked a switch and knew exactly how to behave, “I’m so sorry, I should’ve noticed. My name is Auriel Soleil, I’m head of accounting! Its a pleasure, Mr. Magne.”

“... Pleasure is mine,” the others tone changed as well, now definitely showing his displeasure and disappointment.

Auriels head was suddenly swimming with possible explanations as to what could make his new boss react so poorly- sure, he was just talking rather frankly with him about things that didn’t exactly make sense, but wasn’t that just a test for him? He should’ve known who Lucien was, maybe it upset him that he hadn’t immediately known it was him and continued the prior conversation.

“ My apologies for interrupting you, sir. I should’ve-”

“I said its fine,” his voice was curt, and suddenly Auriel felt completely blocked off from him, awkwardly turning to stare forward again.

“... You act the same as you did in the beginning. Sir this, sorry that. Can’t we just be… I don’t know, normal? You don’t have to call me sir or apologize or anything like that. You really don’t remember…” He mumbled to himself, before looking back to Auriel. Clearly he was unnerved now, Lucifer could see the way his fingers tapped against his chest in an unheard rhythm, a nervous tic that seemed to have remained the exact same as he remembered.

“O-of course, si- I mean, Mr. Magne.”

“Just call me Lucien.”

“But I-”

“Please.” Ding!

“This is… My floor. Uhm, I hope you have a good day… Lucien,” and just as meekly as he spoke, the taller man quietly slipped out of the elevator with only the soft click of his heels echoing down the elevator room hallway.

“You too, Auriel.” Lucifer sighed, as the doors closed again.

—

“Ah, there you are. Its good to see you again, how are you doing?”

This time, they were standing in front of the lunch board of the cafeteria. Auriel was standing, clearly indecisive, looking intently at the board until the voice of Lucifer was suddenly next to him.

“O-oh! Si- Lucien, are you here for lunch? I’m doing alright!” He said, his voice much more confident than it had been earlier.

“I’m glad you are. I thought you might’ve turned to sludge on your way to your department with how anxious you were leaving the elevator, so I’m glad to see you’re intact. Sadly, I am here for lunch once again, looking at the piss poor excuse of a menu they have here. You’d think with as much money as this company makes they’d make a better menu available,” he said, shaking his head a little, “I could always go out to eat, but eating on your own is so boring, and rather pathetic.”

“Ahaha, yes, I suppose it would be! I tend to eat at my desk usually, but lately I’ve been finding less and less time to make myself lunches… Ever since the budget cuts, I’ve needed to work a few more hours of overtime- n-not that I’m complaining or anything, sometimes those sorts of things are necessary in order to recoup losses-”

“Its fine, you don’t have to justify yourself. Its regrettable that we’ve had to cut down on staff, but as you said, it is necessary to the company. Its why I’ve been eating here every day, why should the other employees be the only ones to eat garbage while I eat steak dinners every night? Though, I am considering maybe getting someone new to supply baked goods to the cafeteria.”

“Yes, you were saying that earlier. Admittedly, I agree, the pastries here aren’t exactly the best quality. Oh, if you want to find a good place with some really good pastries, theres a coffee shop just down the street where I get my morning coffee! They have some really astounding coffee cakes and apple turnovers.” Lucifers entire attention quickly was on Auriel.

“Apple turnovers?”

“Yes! They get fresh fruits from the farmers market every weekend, so theres always new things to try, but they stock the apple and cherry turnovers every week. I prefer the cherry, but you seem the type to like apples rather than cherries.”

“Are they still open right now?”

“They should be, why?” The genuine curiosity on Auriels face as he tilted his head to the side made Lucifer feel warm inside as a smile spread across his face.

“Lets go, then! I’ll treat you, we can get a coffee and some turnovers to go.”

“F-for lunch? Well I-” Auriel bit his lip a bit, tapping his fingers on the back of his other hand, “Alright then, I suppose that wouldn’t be terrible! Are you sure?”

“Yes!” Suddenly grabbing his hand, the shorter man basically dragged Auriel out of the cafeteria and out of the building, “Lead the way!”

Auriels brain short circuited for a moment, a vision (a memory?) of having his hand taken and pulled along through a carnival under a scarlet red sky, and being begged to play a specific game with…

“This way, I always like stopping here when I have the time. They all know me by now, its actually really nice when they already know what your order is when you walk in!”

—

The calm sound of the lake and ducks quacking along the banks of it was soothing. How he ended up here, watching his boss, the CEO of the company he worked for, chase ducks as if they were cats trying to avoid being picked up was beyond him.

“Come here, ducky ducky! Oh, you’re so pretty with your sleek coats, don’t you want some peas? I have frozen peas for you!”

“You brought… Frozen peas?” laughed Auriel, smiling as he watched the man pull out a legitimate bag of frozen peas out of a lunch box in front of him as the ducks warily stood at the lakebed.

“Of course! Bread is bad for ducks, they make them rather sick as does rice. Frozen peas are perfectly find for them to eat, though, so I always keep them on me whenever I come here,” the sound of the bag opening seemed to draw the ducks closer- clearly these ducks knew that feeding time was approaching.

“I see you come here quite often. They run from you, but the minute you opened that bag they all seem to understand you’re the food bringer.”

“I am the King of Ducks, after all,” the man squatted down, offering a handful of frozen peas out to the ducks and dropping some to the ground for them.

Those words struck something in Auriel- he’d heard that more than once before, and the smile on his face wouldn’t leave and his heart swelled in his chest. Was he okay? His heartbeat was loud in his ears, just watching this man feeding ducks seemed to make him feel… Odd.

“The King of the Ducks, ruler of the Duck Kingdom! I have to admit, its quite the prestigious title. You had to have been rather drunk when you said that, though.”

“I was quite drunk when I said it to you for the first time,” Lucifer looked back over at him, a more calm appearance on his face than the excited expression he had a few minutes earlier, “But I took it in stride, and still do. I DO love ducks, after all.”

Auriels eyebrows knit for a second, confused, but… It felt right of him to say that. A small vision of sitting in a bar, watching Lucifer drunkenly giggle with a rubber duck in his hands and saying those exact words to him.

“I’m sure you do! I bet you own an entire bathtub full of rubber ducks. Personally, I prefer-”

“Geese. Ugh,” Lucifer shuddered “Because they’re terrifying and have way too many teeth.”

“... Yes, actually. How did…?” He shook his head, “I like geese explicitly because they’re violent. I think that if people didn’t interfere with them, they’d never even bother anyone! And I find it admirable that they go to great lengths to protect their eggs! They’re beautiful creatures, and swans are related to them! I know swans are more visually pretty, but I never liked them all that much. They’re solitary animals, its rather sad to see them when they’re all alone like that.”

“They mate for life! You can’t just expect them to always move on,” Lucifer scoffed, “Sometimes you can’t move on from the person you loved for so long.”

“I think, that if I were to have someone who loved me so much that they refused to move on, I would feel very sad for them. I wouldn’t want them to remain alone forever without me. I think that they should at least try to find someone new, I wouldn’t want them to be…” Auriel trailed off, the look on Lucifers face made his heart hurt suddenly.

“... Sometimes you just don’t move on. You can’t expect that from your partner- thats for them to decide. Maybe thats what you wish for them, but they can’t help how they feel about it. Would you not date someone if they said they felt like they wouldn’t move on from a committed relationship if their partner died?” His eyes were so sad, hurt. The way his frown sat on his face, the way he avoided eye contact after the initial glance, the slight furrow to his brow…

“Of course not… I know I can’t control it, but I also wouldn’t be able to lie and say I wouldn’t be sad for them. I would want them to love and be loved, for as long as they lived. Though, I don’t think its reasonable to ask someone to die at the same time as you, so I figure that if I go first they should at least try to be happy for the rest of the time they have.”

Quiet settled over them as the ducks fed happily and Lucifer pet them.

“I think they’d die of heartbreak first.”

[elmaxlys]

Hi I’m giving you another one if you’d want it, if not just ignore this. 003 for Shikorae or Itori! Clowns my beloved, Sorry for doing this twice the only thing I like more than answering questions is asking them.

nothing to apologize about you can send as many as you want haha! thank you for these :3

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you: Itori edition

How I feel about this character:

I!!!! Love her!!!!! She's my wife!!!! She is fun and depressed and crafty and manipulative and 🥰🥰 wish we'd seen more of her because she slaps so so severely.. she was done so dirty, with this little screen time :v

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

I'm not deeply involved (positively) in any Itori related ship. She simply doesn't interact enough with anyone for me to.. I do have nOTPs tho lmao (like ut*t*ri)

I don't mind Itorize, Itorieto (Etori?) and Itorizeto but that's about it (no OTP here because aro hcs too strong)

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

4th ward gang my beloved 🥰

My unpopular opinion about this character:

I simply do not see enough opinions about Itori but I guess seeing her as aroace probably is. Jessica Rabbit kind of situation u_u

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

MORE!!!!! SCREENTIME!!!!! This is CRIMINAL how little she appears, even for a Clown!!! There were counts of "how many chapters since Hide" and there also were "how many chapters since Itori" and guess who appeared less and later in :re haha *sobs*

I wish we'd seen her kagune ability properly, too! with a little explanation at the very least!! I'm not even sure the flutes were Itori and not Donato's, to tell you *sobbing intensifies*

Her character deserved more respect than to be shipped off with "she's sexy, she's in love with her gay best friend and so she does whatever he does" like what kinda bullshit is this?? since fucking when??? URGH (*inhales* 179 isn't real and cannot hurt me 179 isn't real and cannot hurt me 179 isn't rea-)

Favorite friendship for this character:

Again with the 4th ward gang, but also with Nico and the Clowns, tho, again, I wish we'd seen more of them RIP

My crossover ship:

None

003 | Give me a character & I will tell you: Shikorae edition

How I feel about this character:

Skrunkly. Activates Protec Mode, Extreme edition. Close second place right behind Souta in the competition for who's more of a tragic character in Tokyo Ghoul, solely because of 179. I haven't played the game or read the scenario book (please Glénat.. we all know I hate you but I'd buy it I am begging. please translate it) so my feelings are limited to what little we know of him in :re but oh my good. poor little baby of my heart...

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

None

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

ROMA. As I said, I don't know shit about the game so I don't know his brother or anything about him and stuff, so while I am aware that, knowing myself, he might have been my answer if I did know, that simply is not the case and so his mommy wins. Look at them..

My unpopular opinion about this character:

OTL I haven't read the Jail book so I don't even know the character all that well and therefore I am very not confident in any deeper opinion I have on the character. But, as I do every Clown (and most every character lmfao), I see him as aroace. Idk what the consensus on this baby is but this bears mentioning I guess?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

HOW'D HE END UP WITH ROMA?? He's with Aogiri on Rushima and the next thing we know he's with Roma and quite close already, at that, so they've clearly got history beyond Cochlea cell neighbors but - and if this was in the Jail game someone please tell me orz - what history?? I want to see!

Also more interaction with the other Clowns as a whole.. with Souta especially...

Favorite friendship for this character:

With Seidou, they're cute :)

My crossover ship:

None

---

The Ask Game

[ameliasnormandy]

Nancy Drew, A Hero or Villian?

Dear Aunt Eloise,

Let me start by saying I miss you. I miss Frank too. You will send him my love, I hope. I know I should write to him myself or text, but we didn’t leave things in the best of places. And I’m still not ready to talk to him. That can make me a bad person, and I will make no argument, in fact, do that. It’s just a lot of stuff has been unsaid for so long, and it has finally come out. It seems the two of us had a lot of unresolved issues. And we said things we can’t take back.

As for the updates, I’m glad to hear everything is going all right. I am sorry you feel weird not waking up and knowing I am in the safety of my semi-quiet hometown. However, it was never exactly quiet when Frank and I got involved. Still, it’s good to know I am missed. I will be back eventually. I’m not sure Horseshoe Bay is really a place I could ever call home.

Speaking of Horseshoe Bay, I have a lot of updates for you. Starting with the fact it seems I was right in the assumption my new friends (though I hardly feel confident in calling them that) might be the best option for me. I seem to have at least picked a group that will not immediately shun me once I explain to them the real reason I ended up here at Horseshoe Bay. I have not had a chance to tell them, but with what I was just a part of, it seems that it’s likely they will accept me. However, I am not sure that I totally understand.

I’m not sure I believe anything they’re saying. I mean, you know me. I’m a far more rational person than to believe in mysterious circumstances. Everything, most of the time, has a rational explanation. Of course, that begged the question why I was in the town in the first place. However, like I always like to misquote, when you take out all the possible options, the only thing left is the impossible. Of course, I only ever used that when something finally did make some rational sense. Still, for the time being, I shall soldier on.

And speaking of moving forward, I have not found a good way to talk to them about it. I will, though, I promise. I just need a bit more time. I promise. It’s just I think they might have gotten involved in something weird. I mean, they think they accidentally or not so accidentally summoned a ghost, or maybe it is a multitude of ghosts. And the weirdest part is this doesn’t seem like the first one they’ve summoned or tried to summon. From what I can tell, they seem to have summoned a lot of them. I have not asked them exactly what ghosts they have summoned yet. I would love to investigate that. Maybe I should just explain what I know or show you what I saw, and then you can judge for yourself what exactly is going on. Hopefully, you can make more sense of it than I did.

I was just walking into The Claw when I heard, “I’m sorry, but we’re closed for the day,” George said, already trying to usher me out. She seemed a bit more frantic than I had ever seen her before.

I have never been one to fight something like this, so I did what I was told, or maybe I should say I tried to do what I was told. “Of course,” I said, turning to the door. I was able to reach for the door before I collapsed to the ground. I remember the thud I heard as my whole body collapsed to the ground with no warning. It was almost a sickening thud. A hollow shell collapsing into the abyss.

However, when I opened my eyes, I was no longer on the ground, nor was I in the Claw. Instead, I was standing in a place I had never seen before. The room was silent. The whole building was wood. And I remember I wasn’t wearing shoes anymore. I tried to move but couldn’t. I couldn’t take a step. The only thing I could do was look around; all I saw was wood. The wood was moving in on me, maybe. I shook my head, knowing it was all imaginary. The room. The walls moving. All of it. It was just a test by the worst parts of my psyche. And I was failing. After all, walls don’t move in on someone. I tried to speak more to hear my own voice than to break any magical spell I might have been put under. However, nothing came out. Not a whisper, not a squeak. It was silent.

I tried to look around the room again and again. It felt like the room was getting smaller. I could no longer believe it was all in my head. I wanted to imagine it was, but the walls were starting to come even closer. I was feeling the air squeeze out of me like an accordion. I tried to scream, to speak, to whisper, but I heard nothing in that room. My whole body tensed. It squeezed in on itself as the walls got tighter and tighter. Just as I felt the walls scrape my skin, I was woken with a start.

My heart was thumping out of my chest, like a cartoon in love, but I was not in love, nor was I all a flutter. No, instead, I was panicked, trying to forget a horror movie I had just watched in real-time. I also had the very fun experience of just being in a cold sweat in public. I am sure that looked just great in front of these relative strangers.

I was sitting in the Claw once more exactly where I had collapsed upon the floor. I looked around. There was the door behind me. And the people I keep vouching for, for reasons I am becoming less and more certain of, were surrounding me. Nick, Nancy, Ace, Bess, George. They were all there. All surrounding me, I was the car crash everyone couldn’t look away from. They looked at me, waiting for some explanation. Finally, Ace asked, “You all right?”

I tried to nod my head, but my head felt heavy. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I closed my mouth. And then tried to speak again, but still, no sound could be heard. My voice was gone. Nancy looked toward Bess and said, “Go get her some water.” Bess got up and immediately went to go get water.

All I could think was to get out of there. I no longer wanted to be there. I couldn’t face any of them. I wanted to get away to figure out what had happened. There had to be a rational explanation. Maybe a panic attack. I had had those before. It had never occurred like that, but it was possible. It made sense. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to figure out some mystery I no longer cared about. I am even packing my bags to leave once more.

I placed my hands beside me to try and force myself to stand up. I couldn’t even push the first try and instead collapsed forward. I tried again, and this time I could push a little before falling back down. I had to try again. I was going to force myself to stand. I would deal with the consequences later. I was wavering back and forth; if it hadn’t been for Nick and Ace, I certainly would’ve fallen again. Still, I couldn’t thank them. I opened my mouth to thank them, but nothing came out. I still had no voice, no ability to say anything at all.

I turned around and went straight to the door, opening it. I could hear their calls calling me back like sirens to the sea. They needed to explain. They wanted to make sure I was alright. I needed to make sure I was alright and to do that, I needed to get out of there. I had to leave and recenter myself.

I slammed the door and headed back toward town. I was hoping the air would spark something in my lungs. I looked back, and they were following me. I didn’t want to face them. I quickly ducked off some path. I had no idea where I was going; I hadn’t even memorized the route from the hotel to the Claw yet. And now I was looping through roads that didn’t come to mind. Still, eventually, I made it back to the hotel. I do want to say if I had no idea where I was really going, I believed how could they.

And that is where I am writing to you from; right now. I had to hit pen to paper as soon as I could. My hope being I would understand what is going on. However, it seems I still don’t quite understand.

I hear them knocking at my door. I can’t ignore them forever. I must talk to them. And I hardly know what I will say. Hopefully, the words will come to me. Wish me luck.

Love,

Joe.

[something-like-a-heart]

I just reblogged something that made me think a little bit about my personal experience of neurodivergence, that thing about how autistic characters on TV insult people, argue with the characters they’ve insulted (usually unintentionally) instead of apologising, and seem to be incredibly confident like they’ve never had to learn that people will get sick of you and abandon you at some point, once you’ve crossed a particular line in the sand through one of your behaviours, and you won’t see it coming until after they’ve done it. So you try your best not to be accidentally annoying or insulting or “too much” in any way, but it still happens and it’s your fault; when you get lonely, and people tell you that you’ll have to “be yourself” to make friends. Meanwhile, “being yourself” is what lost you these people in the first place. “Being yourself” is dangerous. Shall we say, it touched a nerve.

Anyway, it largely tracks with my experience of neurodivergence far more accurately than most of what I’ve seen in neurodivergent representation onscreen. Even when characters who read as autistic or otherwise ND on television or in the movies do cross that line, their friends will usually take them back. Meanwhile, I’ve had friends, good friends (or at least people who I thought were good friends) suddenly just cut me out of their lives for no apparent reason—at least, none that were apparent to me. Sometimes it gets back to me that they thought I was annoying, that I was too weird, that I laughed too hard or didn’t smile enough or that I had insulted them somehow (though I never really find out how, because apparently I already know what I did, which is ridiculous; I would not be asking if I actually knew what the issue is). I do my best to be polite and not show it when I’m in a state of sensory overload or I’m emotionally overwhelmed (and that last one has been harder to deal with than usual since my mother died five months ago). I try to act appropriately at all times but damn, is it HARD. And no matter how “normal” I try to act, some of my less “normal” traits always come through.

I’m extremely fidgety and always have been. It’s difficult for me to figure out when it’s actually my turn to speak in many situations, leading to me either being ignored or accidentally interrupting. I feel emotions very powerfully—the problem is that I’m not great at expressing them until they reach a point where they’re damn near unbearable. I over-explain because I’ve been misunderstood too damn many times throughout my lifetime, but people don’t listen because an explanation is considered to be little more than a poor excuse at best and passive-aggressive at worst. I’ve also been accused of passive-aggressive behaviour when attempting to take responsibility and make amends for something that I know I’ve messed up. When I’m emotionally overwhelmed or in a state of sensory overload I temporarily lose the ability to speak. I am always as precise in my words as I am able to be (again because I’ve so frequently been misunderstood) and although it’s been the source of some of my funniest jokes, I’ve also often been accused of taking things too literally; people sometimes assume that I’m actually too stupid to understand figurative language. I can be extremely blunt if I’m not careful, and I have to focus on smiling because my natural tendency is to have a very neutral expression on my face, especially when I’m in a state of hyperfocus. I misread situations badly if they don’t resemble things I’ve encountered before. And no matter how much energy I put into making myself acceptable, I never quite seem to manage it. I mean, I do my best not to be an asshole, but I just don’t, and probably can’t, perceive things from the same perspective as most people, so sometimes I get it horribly and catastrophically wrong.

This is why I don’t like playing new-to-me board or card games with people who already know the rules very well. It’s a bit too much like the most frustrating parts of my everyday life—everyone else already knows the rules, but if I make a mistake because of a rule that I didn’t know, or that I forgot because I had to absorb a lot of complex information all at once, people get mad at me and accuse me of trying to cheat.

And yet, I feel like I’m not actually allowed to claim neurodivergence. I’ve never been formally assessed or diagnosed with anything. That’s why I often tag my posts and reblogs about neurodiversity as “probably autistic”—I’ve been told by a few people who have a good reason to recognise the signs of certain types of neurodivergence that I probably am on the autistic spectrum, but without a proper diagnosis I can’t help but wonder if maybe I’m just making excuses for inexcusably immature attitudes and behaviour. Either way, I’ve gone through a significant amount of my life feeling like I have a defective brain, and I can’t help but be angry at myself sometimes for just not working the right way.