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tssidesfics · 3 years ago

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TSSides Anti-Fairytale AU

I’m not coming for fairytales. They have their place, but as an aromantic person...I do not feel seen. And then I decided to re-watch Enchanted (pirated, of course, because fuck Disney). And then this idea happened.

Patton was a child-king who married his best friend when forced to, and then she died in childbirth. He’s given Roman everything he could, but he’s lived his life dictated by the advisors who’ve used him as a puppet king his whole rule. He’s miserable because he doesn’t like how the system functions but he thinks he’s chained to tradition.

Roman copes with his complicated relationship with his father by questing and almost dying, like, every other week. Anxious attachment for days. Boy keeps trying very hard to find a princess and can’t seem to figure out why nothing will stick. To which Patton goes “oh. He got it from me. Oops.”

All I know is Remus is aromantic and aplatonic and exactly as chaotic as he should be.

Roman’s birthday. Ball. The classic. He greets all the noble families and he’s seen those losers a bunch before, but this time, he meets a new “girl” with a family he usually hates who intrigues him. He is not a girl and I will not be misgendering him because ew, but, gist: Virgil, transphobic rich parents forcing him to conform to gender roles, absolutely miserable, in Peak Bitch (gender-neutral) form. Roman mistakenly believes he’s cured and talks Virgil up a lot. Convinces himself he’s fallen madly in love.

Problem is, he tells Patton, who’s shocked he found a “girl” but absolutely is on-board, and then goes to the family to ask for Virgil’s hand and there’s no Virgil.

Thus begins the Mulan ripoff but openly trans where Virgil poses as a boy servant at the castle because his parents can’t get into the castle willy-nilly and it’s the safest place to be. Absolutely loathes Roman’s very existence because that dumb bitch flirted with him while he was a girl and therefore VIrgil thinks he is The WorstTM. Then Roman catches him grouching about and decides to solve this by teaching him sword-play, mostly to give him the excuse to beat on a dummy with a sword-shaped stick.

Meanwhile Roman is just le sigh I did it again. I connected more with a boy than a girl. Why did she have to run away? Now I’m doomed to be weird.

Well then assassins break into the castle and Ever-Paranoid Virgil immediately susses them out as bad news and uses the remnants of the ball to absolutely wreck them when they try to kill Roman and his father while they’re taking a rare opportunity to chat and bond. Patton decides he is Adopting This Child, fuck you, advisors, he’s as thin as a stick, and Virgil now gets to eat with the royal family.

It’s the first time Patton has ever actually told his advisors to go fuck themselves. It’s the first step toward a positive turnaround and it happened because Patton’s dad instincts took over and nothing in the world is more valid than that, fight me.

Enter genderqueer icon morally neutral witch, Janus, all pronouns, who’s trying to topple the monarchy to enact lasting change and didn’t want to dirty her hands right away, but honestly people are so unreliable. So he gets onto Patton’s crew as a handmaiden and excuse you who gave the king permission to be actually endearing?

Roman feels slightly weird because Patton’s calling Virgil “kiddo” and he’s not calling him his son but he also treats him very similarly as he does to Roman and Remus, which isn’t great but is significantly better than it could be, but Roman’s got a crush.

Then Janus finds out Virgil’s trans and reveals this. Virgil thinks he’s about to get blackmailed into murdering the only people who have ever cared about him and then Janus just rolls their eyes like “excuse you I’m evil not psychopathic. I can give you a potion to make your body reflect your mind. You in?”

“Great, so my only cure to stop feeling like frozen trash reheated in a forest fire is to accept the highly dangerous bribe of a definitely evil witch! Thanks! I hate it!”

Yes Virgil memes even in a fantasy world where Tumblr doesn’t exist.

Also Virgil and Roman are bonding. A lot. They’re getting very close and Virgil even lets slip that he loves Roman and then tries to fling himself out a window. Roman gets touched, stops him, and tries to kiss him, but Virgil leans away. Roman expresses confusion.

“I...I love you, but I don’t want to kiss you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either. But I’ve...never wanted to kiss anyone. For any reason.”

“But...you still love me?”

“I do. I’m sorry.”

Roman...doesn’t feel as rejected as he thinks he maybe should? Honestly, it’s not totally a relief, but it’s just kinda...neutral. It’s not even a disappointment.

Well, Janus is not evil and actually wants to run a kingdom (instating a committee mixed of educated rich fucks and working class receiving education) a whole lot more than Patton, who thinks she’s just...kinda awesome and very misunderstood. There’s a lot of hissing and grumbling that they’re not misunderstood, they’re evil, they don’t even have a tragic backstory, they just kill people to enact the change they want to see, just because they got ditched in a forest as a baby and was raised by a magic snake means nothing. The snake was a very loving and supportive parent.

Roman talks to Patton and Patton is like “fuck marriage rules. Fuck heteronormativity. Fuck my advisors. My kingdom is a haven for the gays. All the gays. Of every color. Come here and be merry and queer.”

Virgil’s just like “yo no reason but in this new world where it’s okay to love whatever gender is it maybe cool to be a boy when the world says you’re a girl?”

Janus draws a knife and glares at Patton and Patton’s just like “even if my partner wasn’t threatening to kill me I’d say it was fine why?”

“No reason.”

“Virgil.”

“What?”

“Is there something you want to share?”

“No.”

“Is there something you need to share?”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re being defensive again, Storm Grouch.”

Virgil sticks his tongue out. “Fine. People used to think I was a girl and I have a stupid body. Happy?”

And Patton learns from Janus the fine art of Validating The Fuck Out Of Gender.

The advisors stage a coop and lock Janus in an anti-magic cage, and then at the same time Virgil’s biological nightmares track him down and steal a spelled green apple from Janus’ shop they give Virgil. You know the drill. Deep sleep like death, yadda yadda.

Well, they immediately claim the body making a big dramatic deal about how they have to bury “her” and they’ll take “her” home to see her off and it’s so tragic, just as they were reunited, when the reality is they have the antidote back home, they’re just looking for control over his life again.

Except Roman goes off. “He is staying here where he--where he will be buried under the name Virgil dressed properly and if you came anywhere near his body I’ll kill you myself.”

Guess what constitutes a totally platonic, non-kiss related act of queerplatonic true love, bitch? Fighting your transphobic partner’s parents over their dead body.

Kingdom’s retaken, sweeping reform while Patton retires to be a stay at home dad to fix his relationship with his kids. Virgil gets formerly adopted. The stepparent is actually a morally neutral genderqueer witch who runs the kingdom fairly and justly, the central love story is trans and aromantic, and my queer ass is something resembling happy.

Logan is probably one of the advisors and the only one with sense who probably starts knocking off his coworkers after the coop because they’re all deeply, deeply stupid. Remus probably spends half the story making friends with a troll he brings in to save the day in the third act.

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hopefullystillatheatrestudent · 4 years ago

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this might be a weird thought but the way jensen performs masculinity (and i KNOW it’s a performance cause like, have you SEEN the mockumentary?) is just.... so inherently queer to me lmao

ok. okokokokokok. you asked for this. i have a LOT of thoughts on this. it’s gonna be under a cut because i’m gonna be annoying and psychoanalyse a celebrity i’ve never met(and hope i never do) but trust and believe when i tell you i know what i’m talking about so

you want my opinion? here goes. there is absolutely no way jensen ackles is straight. i hear you, ‘how do you know that he’s bi? that’s invasive and creepy’ but may i counter that point by saying how do you know he’s straight???? why is the default for everyone heterosexual? that’s a toxic mentality to have; ‘oh you don’t know for sure so just treat him like he’s 100% straight just in case’ like....what? heteronormativity drives me wild i’m sorry

and also, um, just to, um, prove my point that this man is decidedly not straight™(i really don’t want to do this but like it has to be said) we KNOW he’s not straight because his d*ck has spoken for itself around misha, like, four times. I HATE SAYING IT!!!!!!! but, um, straight men don’t get aroused by men. ...do i really need to explain myself further???? that’s what i thought(and don’t give me the ‘it could have been for unrelated reasons’ or ‘that wasn’t a boner!’ crap because um good lord yes it was and misha caused every single one so no it wasn’t a coincidence i’m gonna move on before i collapse into myself like a dying star)

anyway, on to the topic at hand which is jensen and his performative masculinity. and it’s a juicy one.

after the unconscious amount of hours i’ve put into watching and subconsciously judging jackles, i have come to the conclusion that like, 90% of how he presents himself and talks and even moves is an act. it’s a facade. it’s a shield. he is not that person. it actually seems exhausting, because he tries to compose himself in this macho, manly, confident and effortlessly cool way, but he’s not that person he desperately wishes he was and wants to be perceived as. he’s on guard every second, even the slightest tilt of his head is like, pre-meditated in some way? if i’m going FULL body language analyst mode, i’ve noticed he has a certain posture he always shifts himself into, and it’s very ‘pursed lips, stoic faced, gruff voiced, square-shoulder, broad and manly’ but, not to be rude jensen, it kind of reads as a little kid imitating the adults he thinks are cool? oof i am going IN huh(it’s out of love though i promise)

he is trying to be this person at every second:

because that’s who he wishes he was, because that’s how he gets validation from the people around him that he looks up to; straight white guys. but to me, who he presents himself to be at conventions is just as much of a performance as this whole eye of the tiger bit is.

oh i should mention i know his body language isn’t naturally like that because how he naturally carries himself is actually pretty flamboyant? like he seriously must be toning himself down HARD

examples:

there’s no tension in his body here as opposed to the eye of the tiger gif. i’d describe it as...generally loose and free? he’s at ease when he moves like that and you can see it.

oh and dude!!! DUDE!!!! how could i not mention the fucking SPECTACLE that is his voice??? jensen. i watched season one. i know where your voice naturally sits. THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE. and there have been so many accounts of fans visiting jensen in his trailer and being surprised that his real voice is two octaves higher. again, his performance of masculinity is all encompassing. he can’t even talk normally because, in his mind, that’s a chink in his armour.

and, like you said, anon, this whole smokes-and-mirrors gong show of ‘i am the cool texan man’ is inherently queer. who are you trying to impress??? guys??? that’s pretty gay dude.(btw: gay[honorary])

i feel like i’ve already read this man for filth but i have to keep going bc i have so much to say

ok next thing i’m gonna talk about is how jensen says one thing but everything else about him tells us the exact opposite. another HUGE element of performative masculinity, ONE THAT DEAN WINCHESTER IS A MASTER OF. have i mentioned how dean and jensen are like mirrors of each other when it comes to their sexuality and queer identity??? because it is fascinating how everything i say about jensen also directly applies to dean.

allow me to introduce the grumpy face™. as in, the face he glues on when he’s enjoying doing something but doesn’t want to let anyone know it. and it’s ALWAYS when he’s doing something that could be seen as unmanly in any way. (and when i say manly i mean the ‘ideal’ version of manhood that doesn’t really exist but that jensen seems to be striving for[and dean too])

prime example is this video he did with daneel. the grumpy face™ doesn’t budge the whole time as he’s like,,,,playing an instrument and acting like he doesn’t want to bc i guess that’s too girly??? but i also find this video fascinating because the joke IN it is kind of that they’re both poking fun at him for being so insecure about playing a freaking flute. because, i mean, he gets into it, but he wants you to think he is not.

also this picture.

what is this. i hate them. jensen is smushing himself into misha’s forehead but noooo his face is telling us ‘i hate this’ because CLEARLY he does. also misha’s so happy ew gross

he does that face in photo ops with misha ALL THE TIME but how many times has he also literally asked the con goers if he can also have those photos on his phone too? because of course he actually loves touching misha and is actually a sentimental fool but he tries so hard to hide it and fails so spectacularly.

oh and this. and of COURSE this. actually let’s talk about the hitch kiss for a hot minute because it’s a perfect example of exactly what i’m talking about

(he is so transparent guys. he tries so hard but he’s so obvious.)

1. misha was never supposed to be onstage with him. so it’s a boldface LIE and OBVIOUS PLOY TO GET MISHA TO KISS HIM when he says ‘they’d like us to make out now’. but of course the way he says it is ‘oh my god can you believe what these crazy panel people are making us do haha but i mean what they say goes amirite’. same energy as ‘oh my god did you just dare us to kiss rn???�� ‘....no i didn’t’ ‘oh my god i can’t believe you’d ask that haha but i can’t say no to a dare lol’ it’s the SAME THING

2. the fact that he was in the worst mood before misha came onstage and FAKE KISSING HIM made him feel...SO?? much better? like not just a little better a lot better like, again, that says a lot, because if they weren’t dating he would not be in a better mood if misha kissed his cheek unprompted. bc that cheek kiss wasn’t a joke it was a genuine sign of affection and AHHHH

3. after the kiss happens. you know, the one that jensen actively leans into and is smiling like an idiot the whole time through and is quite clearly having the time of his life during....he says ‘well, that was uncomfortable’. .......my guy. um. i don’t know how to tell you that i do in fact have eyes and you are NOT pulling the fast one you think you are

like i’m so sorry jensen but i have you pegged. it’s literally no use.

god there’s so many instances of him doing this with misha specifically. the whole ‘ew gross lol’ but then everything about him tells us the exact opposite. like this(i hate this. how dare he say ‘he has though, hasn’t he?’ LIKE THAT?????)

so yeah my point with that is he really wants us to think he is one thing when he is the antithesis of what he’s trying to be. he really likes those things that he talks down about, and everything he’s loudly projecting is all to hide how he really feels. he went to a gay bar with daneel, for crying out loud. he wants to play a role in drag. he’s queer and he likes it. pov: you’re jensen ackles train of thought: ‘ok so i really like this thing that people might make fun of me for or call me gay for liking so if i just say ‘lol as if’ and make a grossed-out face they will be FOOLED. i am a genius. hey misha wanna blow on my ear lol i meAN GROSS EW’

i have two more things i want to talk about when it comes to this topic so PLEASE bear with me anon this is why you took so long to answer clearly lmao

ok so we’re now going to go over my favorite hot take of all time. which is ‘how do we know dean’s performing masculinity? because sam isn’t.’ only replace dean with jensen and sam with jared and oh my god do we ever have a case

jared is as STRAIGHT as they come. he is secure in that knowledge. and that’s why he is perfectly comfortable treating misha like this:

and not try to scream ‘i am not enjoying doing this!!!!!!’ at us. because he doesn’t care what we think of his sexuality like jensen does(because he has nothing to hide whereas jensen DOES)

something i found the other day that no one has brought up but i SCREAMED upon finding it is this one clip THAT I CAN’T FIND OH GOD but i promise i’m not making it up. i can’t believe i can’t find it guys it is gold. i need need NEED to talk about it. and if anyone knows what i’m referencing and can apply links in any way i will love you forever but here’s what happens off the top of my head:

ok so i’m a bit too braindead to explain it perfectly but um basically it’s a j2 panel and someone brings up magic mike and i think jared says ‘yeah i didn’t watch it’ and then jensen says ‘all the way through’. stupid joke. whatever. the joke is that jared is gay for watching magic mike.

and then i literally kid you not. jared gets this like ‘jesus christ ok dude? lol’ look on his face and then goes ‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ and jensen gets a guilty look on his face and walks away. and jared did not say it as a joke. he was being dead pan and earnest. and jensen knew it too, he knew he was projecting. i wish i could show you guys the clip i promise if i ever find it i’ll link it but IS THAT NOT SO DAMNING FOR JENSEN????? like come ON. also proves my point that when you compare how they feel about watching magic mike. jared doesn’t care bc watching it just doesn’t interest him, but he also thinks that just watching it in itself doesn’t make you gay. jensen however.......has a different mindset, clearly.

‘projecting much, mr. ackles?’ is actually a great title for my next and FINAL section(we’re almost there folks) which is how jensen projects his insecurites about his own sexuality and relationship with misha onto misha.

i hope by now we’ve all seen this video of jensen impersonating cas. it is a blatant microaggression on his part. and like obviously homophobic. it’s like in his mind if he makes fun of them for being gay it makes them both less gay somehow??? it’s self-deprecation in a way??? let’s just tell it like it is: that impression was just jensen’s overt internalized homophobia rearing it’s ugly head. he does it a LOT too when it comes to misha.

i mean:

and that whole mess where he’s making fun of misha for being a bottom in their panel in 2016? ‘so you’re saying, like with football terms, there’s a handler and there’s a receiver heheheehe’ jensen you’re not exempt from being gay just because you know football terms lmao

oh and his OTHER impression of misha where he mocks him for...bicycling...because it’s not a manly enough sport??? jensen NO ONE else has ever thought this hard in their lives about what constitutes as masculine enough to be a sport before. that’s all you bud. we don’t find those jokes nearly as funny as you do. you are reaching, sir

the good news is that misha thinks it’s hilarious and knows it’s projecting on jensen’s part and will tease him endlessly for it. many stories come to mind, like that one photo op story where they’re literally dressed in rainbow banners and pride stickers but when misha goes to hold his hand jensen said something like ‘no way’ and then misha stepped back, put his hands on his hips and went ‘that’s the part that’s too gay for you???’ and jensen LOST it

or when that whole underwear thing happened(messy messY MESSY BTW) and then a fan asked a question about what dean and cas would do in rome and misha just said ‘when in rome’ and jensen makes a face like ‘are you serious’ and then misha says ‘you can’t look at me like that anymore, because of what you did!!!!!!’

OH and that whole story about when misha suggested they put jensen in the closet for that cat video....yeah um

and then when jensen was asked to do bisexual finger guns for a photo op and the con goer said ‘he looks bisexual here’ and misha literally said ‘oh he definitely looks bisexual here. i would say he’s actually closer to the gay side of the spectrum’ so..um...make with that as you will

OH MY GOD i’m finally done. wow. WOW. that was a lot. i hope i’ve blown your minds. ty anon i really wanted to talk about this and i hope you’re happy with the outcome!!!!!!

#cockles ask #sexuality spec #jensen is bi #anti rps for ts #cockles #liz answers #ok i have to admit it is crazy i have retained all this info #i hope someone appreciates it #my analysis #mine

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koko-bopp · 4 years ago

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Different Pages

lee felix x male!reader

word count - 1.3K

genre - heavy angst

contains - internalised biphobia, compulsory heteronormativity, sad ending, cliffhanger, crying

synopsis - I'm so sorry, I just needed to let out all my emotions. But I hope you like this.

"Can I call you my boyfriend?"

Felix stopped breathing for a minute at the words that had left your mouth. He swore he could feel his heart stop beating, something was telling him just to wait a moment and he'll just die and it'll all be over. Felix wasn't used to this; being serious in such a cutesy relationship.

The two were sitting across from each other on the table. The rest of the group are in their respective quarters and it was just the two of you. Close to midnight the stars were out and the room was dim with only one light in the kitchen open.

Fuck, but the air became thick. Maybe it wasn't like that for you, because you just added to your last words, "Calling you my husband is nice, but... You know."

He liked the little shy look on your face, the way you looked away for a little, he just wanted to kiss your nose... But the conversation was scaring him beyond belief. "[Y/N], I- I really don't know.."

"You're in every right to decline, Lix. This isn't supposed to be one sided," you grin, althought a little upset, you weren't in a position to be selfish, you respected Felix's boundaries.

You and Felix have been seeing each other for a while. You were what made him realise his attraction to men, wasn't long after you confessed your feelings to him was it that he had come out as bisexual. You were beyond glad, because not only did he like men, but he liked you.

You two had been on dates and become more affectionate. Teased and flirted each other to the point the boys would always put you in the same group or room or in the same vacinity just to add onto the romantic tension going on between you.

You called him your boyfriend to the people who asked. Flustered and proud at the title you'd given him.

He'd go blank if anyone asked. He's scared.

"I mean, you know I like you, I've said it about three hundred times already," you chuckle, looking at the table as you picked at the skin of your thumb.

It was true. You had. Felix and you always share words of affirmation with each other, sending good night texts with the red heart, daring the to kiss the other but neither of your lips dared to meet at the halfway point. You two had lunch together often, just smiling at each other and talking about everything; like lovers would.

Exactly how lovers would.

"I'm always scared of having this conversation with you. I just- I freeze up." Felix can't even look at you, he could hear his chest struggle for the oxygen in the room even though you had opened the window to let some air in only half an hour ago.

You didn't know if you wanted to be diplomatic, he didn't owe you anything, you never expected him to owe you anything just because you're more open with your feelings, "Do you like me, Felix?"

You don't... You don't deserve this. "I do, I swear I do. But... I don't know in what way," Felix swallows, but he can't feel the lump going down. He can't feel his arms but he can feel the sweat forming on his hands. He wants to change the subject, or leave the room like he does every time there was a conversation that made him feel this way. He knew, though, there wasn't any getting away from this one.

You furrowed your brows in grief, Felix could hear it in your tone too. You breathed out, your words becoming more stable, "What aren't you sure of?"

He knows the answer to that, only because he's been thinking about it for nights on end to the point it's kept him up. He's perfected the words to the feelings and now he's finally able to say it; "I don't.. I don't know if I'm bisexual with a preference to women because I'm so scared of being with a man," he's halfway there, he breathes, his next words sounding so fragile it hurt his voice, "Or I'm not even bisexual, and I'm just sexualising..? sexualising men?"

"Babe," you lean forward, initially going to grab Felix's hand but you refrain from it, like you'd get cut if you touched the skin, not sure if he would even appreciate that kind of comfort, "It's not predatory to like boys. Felix, that's just compulsory heteronormativity talking. There's only a handful of queer people you know, otherwise, you've been told your whole life that you can't like boys..." You explain, watching a tear fall from Felix's eyes even though they were glued to the lines on the table. You knew he was trying to get through this conversation; he wasn't trying to get it over with, he was gonna stay on the table until something was done but he didn't want to look weak in the midst of it. "It's not predatory to like boys, Lix. I promise it isn't."

His voice came out as soft and fragile, even then, he was being honest and that's all you can ask for. He didn't look at you just yet, but he spoke, "... I feel like I'm feeding you on. I'm not sure about anything, why would you bother liking me when I'm uncertain?"

"I can wait. I swear I can."

"Please don't. I don't want to put you in that position."

Your breath becomes shaky, like your eyes are ready to flood but they're fighting the the best they can, "I don't mind."

"I know, but please don't," Felix begins crying. Actually crying, and you can't help but shed a tear as well. His words were unsteady, coming out at forced breaths but he really really tried to continue with whatever strength he had left, "what if I come to a realisation and you've been waiting around only to be let down?"

"I-" you didn't know what to say. You wanted to he angry, you really really liked Felix. You wanted to yell at him, ask him if everything you two did together was all just fake, that when he accidentally said he loved you it was genuinely ingenuine.

He didn't fall out of love with you. He fell out of love with himself and he's lost the map to escape the place everyone expected him to be.

You used your arm to wipe away your tears, it was followed by a little sniffle as you watch Felix not being able to face you. "You don't owe me anything, Felix. You have every right to take the time to figure things out about yourself." You get up from the table, looking at Felix properly for the first time, his eyes are red with his tear-stained cheeks. You wanted to kiss him, you wanted to kiss him so bad, and he felt so bad for wanting to hold you until all of this to go away, but you spoke, and your words shattered his heart; "But that also means that I don't owe you anything."

Your brain is telling you to leave, that you need to sleep and it'll all go away in the morning, but your heart aches the same way Felix's one does and it feels like the organ has grown arms to reach for Felix... But is Felix even reaching too?

"You deserve everything good that comes to you, Lix," a tear slides down your cheek the last time, before exiting with the tears multiplying as you make your way to your room.

Felix's heart stops reaching, knowing the blond put his head down on the table between the space his forearm and bicep provided, silently crying with the tears leaking into the cotton of his shirt.

He doesn't know what lies ahead.

He's going to have to face you in front of the boys like nothing, or you'll pretend he doesn't exist.

Everything felt painful.

Everything felt hurtful.

Maybe he'll accept himself someday. Maybe he'll let you back into his heart.

#x male reader #male reader #stray kids #felix stray kids #lee felix #felix #felix skz #skz #felix x male reader #felix x reader #stray kids x male reader #lee felix x male reader

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bamf-jaskier · 4 years ago

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Here and Queer: The Witcher

Hi, I’m Aaliyah, and this is Here and Queer, Canon Queerness in The Witcher books.

I already started this series by talking about Ciri here. Her relationship required a fair amount of analysis because it began nonconsensually but continued for months after the fact and spanned three books so there was quite a bit to cover.

However, while she is the main character there are other characters who are also queer in the books including Triss Merigold, Philippa Eilhart and Geralt himself!

Let’s jump right in by talking about our first queer character: Triss.

She is explicitly confirmed as Queer in Blood of Elves during this internal monologue:

As far as her erotic life was concerned, Triss Merigold had the right to consider herself a typical enchantress. It had began with the sour taste of forbidden fruit, made all the more exciting by the strict rules of the academy and the prohibitions of the mistress under whom she practised. Then came her independence, freedom and a crazy promiscuity which ended, as it usually does, in bitterness, disillusionment and resignation.

Then followed a long period of loneliness and the discovery that if she wanted to release her tension and stress then someone who wanted to consider himself her lord and master – as soon as he had turned on his back and wiped the sweat from his brow – was entirely superfluous.

There were far less troublesome ways of calming her nerves – ones with the additional advantages of not staining her towels with blood, not passing wind under the quilt and not demanding breakfast. That was followed by a short-lived and entertaining fascination with the same sex, which ended in the conclusion that soiling towels, passing wind and greediness were by no means exclusively male attributes.

Finally, like all but a few magicians, Triss moved to affairs with other wizards, which proved sporadic and frustrating in their cold, technical and almost ritual course.

Sounds here like Triss enjoyed her relationships with women but the forced heteronormativity of society caught up with her. This actually hits quite a bit for me as Triss states that her relationships with men seemed lacking after she had relationships with women.

Of course, there is also this scene in The Tower of Swallows:

The brilliant beam of light, broken by the diamond, flashed on the surface of the mirror. Yennefer stretched out both hands and began chanting a spell. The blindingly bright light reflected and concentrated into a fog. Soon, a picture began to emerge. The image of a room whose walls were covered with colorful tapestries.

A movement at the window. And a troubled voice. “Who? Who's there?”

“I'm here, Triss.”

“Yennefer! That you? Gods! How did… Where are you?”

“It does not matter where I am. Do not block the image, because the picture varies. And take away that candle, it’s blinding.”

“Right. Of course.”

Although it was late at night, Triss Merigold was wearing neither lingerie nor her work clothes. She wore a dress for going out. As usual, high-collared and closed.

“Can we talk freely?”

“Of course.”

“You're alone?”

“Yes.”

“You're lying.”

“Yennefer…”

“You are deceiving me, brat. I know your face; I know you too well. It’s the same look you had when you started sleeping with Geralt behind my back. Back then, you put on the same sheepish, innocent mask that I see on your face now. And it means the same thing now that it meant back then!”

Triss was red. Philippa Eilhart appeared in the window next to her, dressed in a dark blue men’s jerkin. “Bravo,” she said. “As usual, quick. As usual, perceptive. As usual, hard to grasp and understand. I am glad to see you in health, Yennefer. I am happy that your crazy teleportation from Montecalvo did not end in tragedy.”

Gonna be very honest here, as someone who has had to hide their girlfriend when a friend or parents walks into your room, that is exactly how I read this scene. Yennefer saying Triss has the look on her face of someone who just got laid? Philippa coming out of hiding and calling Yennefer perceptive? The fact that when Yennefer first called Triss didn’t let her see what was going on and then appeared fully dressed after blocking the image? I don’t know about anyone else, but I read this as Yennefer catching Triss and Philippa together romantically.

However, even if you don’t buy this scene as explicitly showing a relationship between the two of them, Triss is still queer as well as Philippa.

From Time of Contempt:

“So it is!’ said Marti Södergren, leaning over and wrinkling her nose, after which she picked up a goblet and looked at the traces of crimson lipstick on it. ‘Ah, Philippa Eilhart. I should have known. Who else would have dared to do something so brazen? That revolting snake. Did you know she spies for Vizimir of Redania?’

‘And is a nymphomaniac?’ risked the Witcher. Marti and Keira snorted in unison.

‘Is that what you were counting on, fawning over her and flirting with her?’ asked the seductress. ‘If so, you ought to know someone’s played a mean trick on you. Philippa lost her taste for men some time ago.”

Another Philippa scene from The Tower of Swallows:

Philippa Eilhart was in a short nightgown with thin straps, and her face and neck had traces of lipstick. Assire, with a great effort of will, contained an expression of displeasure. Never, ever, will I understand this. And I do not want to understand.

“Can we speak freely?”

Philippa’s hand made a sweeping gesture. And she surrounded herself with a magic sphere of discretion.”

Answering a telecomm with lipstick all over ur neck is such a queer power move and honestly Philippa might be manipulative but damn the energy she exudes.

As well as Philippa and Triss, there is the infamous bath scene with Geralt and Borch from Sword of Destiny:

“Let’s make merry!’ Three Jackdaws leant across the table and slapped Téa on the backside. ‘Let’s make merry, Witcher. Hey, landlord! Over here!’

The innkeeper scuttled briskly over, wiping his hands on his apron.

‘Could you lay your hands on a tub? The kind you launder clothes in, sturdy and large?’

‘How large, sir?’

‘For four people.’

‘For… four…’ the innkeeper opened his mouth.

‘For four,’ Three Jackdaws confirmed, drawing a full purse from his pocket. ‘I could.’ The innkeeper licked his lips.

‘Splendid,’ Borch laughed. ‘Have it carried upstairs to my room and filled with hot water. With all speed, comrade. And have beer brought there too. Three pitchers.’

The Zerrikanians giggled and winked at the same time.

‘Which one do you prefer?’ Three Jackdaws asked. ‘Eh? Geralt?’

The Witcher scratched the back of his head.

‘I know it’s difficult to choose,’ said Three Jackdaws, understandingly. ‘I occasionally have difficulty myself. Never mind, we’ll give it some thought in the tub. Hey, girls. Help me up the stairs!”

Now, there’s a lot of people who read this scene and say: hey now, Geralt didn’t actually sleep with Borch. They just slept with two women. Together. In a bath. Now, I don’t know about any of you, but when four people are naked in a bath together all having sex it’s not a situation where you can say no-homo bro and call it a day.

Also, you know, there is this line later on in Sword of Destiny:

“Véa, already mounted beside Téa, waved.

‘Véa,’ the Witcher said, ‘you were right.’

‘Hm?’

‘He is the most beautiful.”

Of course, this is in reference to Borch’s dragon form but considering the last person to call Borch beautiful was Véa who slept with him...well. Geralt is at the very least open for a variety of sexual situations.

Finally, there is Sorel Degerlund in Season of Storms who says this about Ortolan, the elderly mage of the town:

“As you’ve doubtless observed,” continued Degerlund, “I have exceptional looks and women have been known to call me an ephebe. I’m fond of women, indeed, but in principle I didn’t and don’t have anything against homosexuality. Under one condition: if it is to be, it must help me to advance my career.

My physical intimacy with Ortolan didn’t demand excessive sacrifices. The old man had long passed both the age limit for capability and desire. But I did my best for people to think otherwise and believe he’d utterly fallen for me.

Believe there was nothing he would refuse his gorgeous lover. Believe that I knew his codes, that I had access to his secret books and notes. That he was giving me artefacts and talismans he hadn’t previously revealed to anyone. And that he was teaching me forbidden spells.

Including goetia. And if previously the great men and women of Rissberg had disdained me, now they suddenly began to esteem me. I had grown in their eyes. They believed I was doing what they themselves dreamed of. And that I was achieving success.”

So this is a very minor character who only appears in one adventure but he is queer. Well, to clarify he is queer for...career advancement? Honestly I have no idea if asaps is trying to make a statement here or if he was writing this and thought to himself: what if the mage was queer but only in order to advance his career? Sounds fun, let’s do it.

So overall, there are queer characters in The Witcher, from Ciri to Triss to Geralt to Philippa to guy who is gay to advance his career in Season of Storms. There are likely other minor characters I might have missed, so feel free to add them!

I hope to see these characters as queer in the show and it’s really nice to have this type of representation in fantasy, especially a series such as The Witcher. And yes, there are a number of problematic tropes and issues this writing can stumble into but it is still nice to see a variety of sexualities, especially in the main characters such as Ciri and Geralt.

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unbridgeabledistances · 4 years ago

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here is a part 2 of my valentine’s day one-shot from the other day!! part 3 of them actually celebrating is coming fri, but wanted to make it a lil countdown:) also big creds to @udontfuckangie for their post about ian getting mickey stargazer lilies for valentines bc it… truly made me feel so many things and i had to write this

Ian didn’t really remember ever celebrating Valentine’s Day for real— not like everyone else in middle school or high school, like when Lip was off buying flowers for girls or Mandy was trying to get the guy she liked to ask her out— but he definitely remembered celebrating it as a kid, when he’d have to scrounge up some shoebox from under his bed and bring it to his overcrowded classroom to cover with colorful construction paper and make shitty valentines to swap with his friends. Those were the days when Frank was around some, and so was Monica— he remembered one year, when he was maybe 5 or 6, when Monica was there and he had come home with a thin pink slip of paper from his teacher saying that he needed to bring in valentines for his class. Monica had whisked him down the street to the dollar store where they’d ransacked the rickety shelves of all the art supplies they could carry, and then they sat at the kitchen table for hours gluing glitter to cut-out hearts.

So maybe that’s why Ian’s heart had melted last Sunday, when Franny had mentioned that she needed to buy valentines for her class at school— Ian knew it was stupid, or whatever, but he knew how far a few solid childhood memories could go in this neighborhood, how those types of moments were the stuff you lived on for years afterwards when things got harder and darker. So while he’d been caught up in so much shit lately, for a couple of hours on that Sunday afternoon all Ian wanted was for Franny to soak up that feeling like a sponge—to make memories with her like the good ones that he’d had with Monica, the ones that stood out and burned in his chest like a hot branding iron when he remembered them.

And then a yawning, sleep-soft Mickey had stumbled into the kitchen, and the three of them were nestled beside each other at the table doing fucking arts and crafts; and for some reason it made Ian’s blood run hotter than usual, and got him thinking about how fuck it, he wanted to give Mickey a Valentine’s Day this year— not in the weird, heteronormative bullshit way, but in the way that he could just kind of… show Mickey how much he meant to him, how Mickey still made his heart feel like it was going to explode out of his ribcage even after the years they’d been together. This was the longest time that he and Mickey had ever been together consecutively, the longest time they’d slept side by side before something dark curled its fingers around them and pulled them apart, and he wanted to do something to acknowledge that— something to start their forever, as fucking cheesy as that sounded.

Of course, Mickey had no concept of Valentine’s Day or any of that shit, which made the whole thing all the more perfect— Ian wanted to catch him off guard, wanted to pull them both out of the funk that had been hovering over them for the months after the wedding, when everything turned brittle and stale once the bills started to pile up. They were better now—or at least they were trying to be— but it still meant something that half of their time being married had been spent navigating a fucking global pandemic and squabbling with each other and barely making ends meet.

So now it was the day before Valentine’s Day, and Ian was standing on a busy Chicago street corner in the bitter cold, watching the bundled passersby briskly walk by to scramble inside and stave off the chill. Ian hadn’t been to this neighborhood since his days working at the club, or maybe once or twice when he was hanging out with people from the youth center; the pristine glass storefronts with minimalist displays nearly blinded Ian’s eyes after the past ten months of being accustomed to the crumbling paint-chipped architecture of the South Side. But he was here on a mission; in front of him stood the high-end, boujee as fuck florist’s shop, one of the top-rated ones in the city according to the quick search he’d plugged into his phone.

Ian normally didn’t give a shit about stuff like this— to him, a flower was a flower, and a chair for a wedding was just a goddamn chair— but he knew Mickey, for some reason this sappy shit was a whole lot more important to him, no matter how hard Mickey tried to hide it. All the symbols and the fanfare meant something to Mickey—it meant that they’d made it, that they got to have a normal fucking life together, beyond both of their wildest dreams. So if Ian had to brave a stupid, gentrifying flower shop on a chilly Friday afternoon to make Mickey happy, then that was what he was going to do.

A soft bell tinkled as Ian entered the shop, immediately surrounded by the nearly-bare shelves of minimalist bouquets. The store was incredibly cramped and narrow, with overly-peppy music playing low, and was packed tight with wire-rimmed glasses wearing, re-usable bag toting hipsters standing in a line all the way to the counter. Shit. This line was going to take all day—and who the fuck knew if they even had what Ian was looking for? A looming pang of desperation started to churn in the pit of his stomach as he lurked by the doorway. Fuck it, he had to do this.

Before Ian really processed what he was doing he was quickly darting past the line, getting a series of dirty looks from everyone he shuffled by.

“S’cuse me, coming through, floral emergency.”

Finally, he reached the counter, sliding in beside some girl in her mid-twenties with a punk haircut. “Uh, sorry, can I just ask if they have what I’m looking for real quick?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “If you’re desperate enough to cut the fucking line, I’d say you’re worse off than I am. Men are fucking clueless.”

Ian nearly grimaced, but tried to twist his face into a soft, grateful smile. “Thank you.” He turned to the cashier at the counter, a dude with a man bun and a floral button-up shirt who looked pretty amused by this whole situation.

“It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, honey. Everyone here is in a floral emergency.” The cashier sighed, looking Ian up and down appraisingly. “What’re you looking for?”

“Uh. I think they’re called… stargazer lilies? The ones that bloom at a specific time, or something? We were supposed to have them at my wedding, but then the venue got burnt down by my husband’s homophobic father, so we kind of had to pull the whole wedding thing together on short notice— it’s kind of a long story, but I really, really need to get these flowers for Valentine’s Day.” Ian leaned in close over the counter, hoping he didn’t look too desperate. “It’s our first one together and it’s been a fucking shitty year and it would just— it would mean a lot.”

Ian finally exhaled, and hoped by some miracle that this cashier, or someone in the fucking universe, would take pity on him.

The cashier pulled his glasses down to the bridge of his nose, tapping away at the iPad on the counter before glancing up. “Hmm. I’m sorry honey, you’re fresh out of luck. Those lilies bloom in the summer mostly, and no one around here really has them. You could maybe check one of the little flower shops down the street, they do special orders and stuff this time of year—but I’ll be honest, I don’t know if you’re gonna get these flowers by tomorrow.”

Ian felt disappointment bubble up inside him. Of fucking course there were none of these obscure flowers in Chicago the day before Valentine’s Day— he’d had this grand idea of giving Mickey a perfect Valentine’s Day, of starting off on the right foot, and he still put this shit off until the last minute and couldn’t give Mickey what he deserved. Mickey would’ve never made this mistake.

Ian cleared his throat. “Shit. Well, uh, thanks anyways.”

He turned, heading for the door and getting ready to be assaulted by the bitter cold again. Okay, there were a couple flower marts down the street, he could try that— but he had a sinking feeling that the results would be the same, that he’d be left empty-handed tomorrow with nothing to give.

Okay. Focus. I’ve gotta plan a bunch of shit for Valentine’s Day by tomorrow.

What would Mickey do?

The flat drone of the dial tone made Mickey’s head buzz, the same dull vibration he’d heard dozens of times that week. Finally, he heard the click of someone answering.

“Hello, this is Sizzlers, how may I help you?”

“Hi, it’s, uh, it’s Mickey Milkovich. Again. I’m just checking in one more time to make sure we’re all good for tomorrow?”

There was a silence on the other end of the line, like the hostess was taking a moment to compose herself. “Yes, Mr. Milkovich. Since this is the… seventh time you’ve checked in in the past week, I believe, everything has definitely been arranged as you requested.”

Mickey cleared his throat. “Uh, good. Thanks. We’ll be there for our reservation at 8.”

He clicked his phone off and flung it down onto the bed. It had been nearly a week since he’d decided he was going to try to give Ian some kind of Valentine’s Day like the normal fucking couple Ian wanted to be, but he had to admit, this shit was hard work; he had to think of the perfect place he wanted them to go, had to call and make a reservation and arrange everything perfectly— and then there was the matter of deciding what to get Ian, because apparently married people also got each other fucking gifts on Valentine’s Day, which sounded like overkill to him. He’d been scrolling through Buzzfeed “Valentine’s Day Gift” lists for the better part of the afternoon, and even snuck some of Debbie’s chick magazines into the bathroom to sift through articles like “Ten Things to Get Your Man for Valentine’s Day” or “Best V-Day Gifts for Newlyweds.” Finally, after fucking days of plans stirring in the back of his mind, Mickey finally thought he had all of the pieces together; the reservation was made, the timing was set, and he’d even stopped by some fancy fucking chocolate shop on the other side of town on the way home from the Alibi earlier that afternoon.

Everything was planned—now there was just one thing left to do.

Mickey grabbed the crumpled piece of paper he’d set on the bedside table, the one he’d been staring at all week. Fuck it. He grabbed a discarded pen from the windowsill, from the collection of pencils that Ian kept next to his notebooks.

Mickey sighed as he put the pen to the paper. Now comes the hard part.

part 1 is here! and part 3 is here!

#this has been such a fun lil distraction this week!!!#actual cute fluffy content coming friday lol #<3 #gallavich #gallavich fic #shameless #shameless fic #ian x mickey #ian and mickey

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dailydnp · 4 years ago

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Daniel Howell on queer self-care in a straight world

Daniel Howell came out on YouTube a year ago and now has a bestselling book about how straight and queer men can best look after their mental health. In a weird year for Pride, and for mental health, we asked Howell how the LGBTQ+ community should look after themselves

Being a man is not easy, nor is navigating your mental health as one. But for queer men the problems are both very similar and entirely their own. Finding space in this world to process the hard parts of being queer and making sure we don't bring the worst parts of masculinity into queer spaces isn't easy either. Coming out might seem like the seminal moment in a gay life but, actually, much of what follows is no easier.

Daniel Howell – “a professional internet clown” – has documented his own experiences with coming out, being gay and the struggles with his own mental health on his YouTube channel. Now he's released a book, You Will Get Through This Night, which is currently at number one on the Sunday Times chart. The decision to do a book around mental health was partially inspired by a resistance to doing a memoir – “My entire life story is on the internet, go watch it if you want” – and also by the fact that, “For 28 years, I never even took a slight interest in my own mental health, asking how I was feeling, because if you've had a busy work day the last thing you want to do in your spare time is homework about mental health.”

So the 30-year-old set out to condense all the knowledge he'd found tough to swallow into a more palatable format. “It's a lean, mean mental health machine. I'm not going to go off too deep on one topic and we're not going to waste any time. We're going to give you the information that you need right now.” For Howell, this is a book you can reread over and over again to find the advice you need for the problems you're currently facing. “I'm in this position where I'm opening every wound in my entire life, inviting everybody to stick their finger into it and hoping that I can make it seem more relatable and accessible,” he explained.

As we enter a very odd Pride Month and Pride season, indeed, we asked Howell how LGBTQ+ readers might be able to use this time to find solace and mental tranquility, particularly after the year-and-a-bit the world has had and we start to return to some semblance of normality.

GQ: We are here, as part of this discussion about mental health and your book, to talk about how queer mental health is impacted by heteronormativity, the patriarchy, by straight society, all of our favourite things. You documented your coming out and, since then, your journey with queerness. So I was wondering how your mental health was beforehand and how it changed afterwards?

Dan Howell: I could not have estimated how intrinsically linked my sexuality was to most of the suffering in my life. It really boils down to a single point about authenticity: if you are living a lie, if you are pushing against something fundamentally true and inevitable about yourself, you're just going to burn out and reach a point where you can't do it anymore. That's what happened to me. I had such a traumatising relationship with my sexuality throughout my life. I was one of those people – and many will relate, whether they're queer or not – who said, “I'm just gonna focus on my career. I'm not gonna deal with this skeleton in my closet right now, because I've got to focus on other things.”

What happened with me was I reached that wall, I hit that point where I just couldn't keep going anymore in my day-to-day life. As someone who creates, and is supposed to be an entertainer and to talk about myself for a living, I literally couldn't work anymore until I tackled this topic. It had everything to do with my self-esteem, my world view and my own relationship with my own emotions. Every time I dived down that rabbit hole of anxiety, or I slipped into a depressive mood and felt like I deserved it, it was because there was something that I couldn't escape from yet.

For me, the moment – well, I say “the moment” I came out, it was a year-long process – it was literally a weight that lifted, in a way I can't describe to anyone that hasn't been there. It felt like my entire life I'd been wearing a suit of chainmail that I just instantly dropped on the floor and I felt like a completely different person. And that kind of acceptance of yourself allowed me to re-evaluate every aspect of myself in relation to my mental health. I've just done a complete 180.

We love that for you. But like any of us who come out, you are then faced with a world that is in many ways wildly uncaring once we have done it. What have been some of the struggles you have faced as someone being gay in a fundamentally straight society?

There are a lot of, let's say, “sensitive straight people” that feel like gay people having a moment for themselves takes something away from them. This is true of queerness of any shade, but it also applies to anything else in life: if someone is going through something bad and needs a moment or if they just want any kind of equality, that's not taking anything away from you. To all the racists on Facebook, Black Lives Matter isn't making your life worse, it's just that they want equality. It's the same thing for people coming out: they're not coming out to have an attention parade, that's just them becoming a normal member of society, like you.

I wish I didn't have to come out because I hated all the speculation and attention I had to deal with for the ten years prior to it. Until anyone having to come out, in any way, with their gender or sexual identity, is normal, it's going to be a surprise to you. So I don't know what you're complaining for.

We are all, technically, at one point, part of the straight world and then slowly but surely our relationship with it changes – or at least that's my experience. What has been your relationship with engaging with a world that is, in some ways, in stasis while you have gone on a journey of change?

I had to accept that a lot of the audience that have been with me over the past ten years were, unfortunately, not gay. And that's really sad, but I still want to say that they're welcome and bring them along with me on the journey slightly. Even though I've come out as this alien, it doesn't mean I'm flying away to another planet and you'll never be able to relate to me again.

This is why mental health is a great example for my audience of how my being gay is so linked to my experience of my health, but you can relate to it too, because you're also a human with a brain and you have emotions. We're not so different. So, for me, it's about saying, “Hey, there are certain things that I am going to talk about now and there are parts of my life that I'm going to share.” And you might be like, “Oh, well, I haven't had a leather orgy in the basement, I can't relate to that.” And to that I say, “Well, that's my culture, you just have to accept it.”

But it's important to find the common ground in everything that I do. But I'm aware that, whether I asked for it or not, I am in this position where I'm representing queer people, especially on the internet. So even though my coming out moment has happened, I will never stop having to talk back to people and explaining things for the rest of my life. You don't just come out once. I'm going to have to do it every ten minutes, every tweet, everything I'll ever do for the rest of my life, if ever someone's surprised and goes, “What's that about?”

Have you been intrigued as to the ceiling for some people of what they're willing to engage with as a queer creator, telling stories of your own life, sharing in your own life? Have you been surprised by how far some people are willing to go with you or surprised by where someone's boundaries are?

It was definitely a surprise how positive humanity can be sometimes. That's just my perspective, because I am very much a product of my childhood, which was very upsetting and, as a result, as an adult I am incredibly cynical. My default position is to expect the worst from everyone.

Because I was brought up in a very toxic masculine environment, I have the same mental health struggles that anyone male – regardless of whether they're gay or not – can relate to, which is that pressure to have the stiff upper lip and not show any vulnerability and not ask for help in case you're perceived to be weak. There's still this notion that young people on the internet, people like me, are always complaining about things and asking for attention and talking about their feelings. Can't they just deal with it? There's this idea that they're weak or not being manly, but in my experience it's the opposite of that.

If you are willing to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, honestly, “What am I not dealing with? What am I too stressed about? What are the issues with my life?” If you can open up about that and ask for help, that's bravery. It's not a weakness to be honest with yourself and look at the shit that's hiding underneath something. That's what's gonna make you stronger; you have to go there and confront it.

When I come out, I expected that everyone's going to hate me, it's going to be a disaster, my career is going to be over. But the younger generation on the internet today is, by default, much more accepting. Because I just told the truth of my story, it wasn't even about whether I was gay or straight, people just empathised with what I've been through. People who watched my coming out journey might not have been gay, but they had a connection with me. You definitely do get the odd lost Trump Twitter bot that somehow stumbled into the weird gay Zoomer space, but, for me, I have actually been surprised by the people of the internet.

Let's not aim all toxic masculinity in the patriarchy at straight people either: the bad parts of it percolate into our own communities as well. Have you found restrictive parts of masculinity still crop up in your life or in queer spaces?

I am not instantly free of my psychological upbringing and culture and I'm aware of that every single day. I am a miserable bastard. I think men across the world have a certain mindset of being cynical and competitive, but, specifically for British people, it manifests in tearing each other down. We're all comparing ourselves to each other.

You think the moment you come out it's a big gay rainbow parade – everyone's a hippie, all hugging each other – but gay people can be so vicious within their own communities. Hurt people can still hurt people, so you still have all these horrible people in the gay community who are willing to be toxic and horrible. Being gay doesn't mean you're not racist. It doesn't mean you're not an asshole. And everyone has to have a moment where they think about themselves and how they act.

How have you found being queer with accessing mental health provisions in this country?

The current support for mental health in this country is just abysmal. Mental health support shouldn't just be there if you've snapped. Our entire society and healthcare should be trying to prevent it in the first place by educating people about how to look after their own mental health so that we're all fine.

When I first started going to a therapist I assumed I could talk to anyone, but they just don't understand my perspective all the time. For me, this has shown the importance of having a community. One of the good things that the internet has done, especially for queer people, is to allow the only gay in the village – wherever the hell you are in the world – to go onto the internet and to find a community of people like you that are supporting each other.

I look at young people today and they're like: here's a list of resources, services and things that you can read to understand your own body and your sexuality, how to think and feel and mental health. I just think, “Oh, my God, if I had Twitter when I was 13, I might have had a drastically different life.” Because it wasn't until I was 23 or 24 and social media started taking off that I even saw that these spaces existed. So at least people today are using technology to create the resources that aren't already being made for them out there in the world.

Feminism benefits men as well as women and many forms of intersectional equality benefit the oppressor as well in the long run. What parts of thinking about a queer, inclusive mental health system and a queer inclusive society benefit straight people as well?

The most straight, white patriarchal man feels like they're being oppressed by this cage that they built themselves. You want to talk about why the male suicide rate is so high? It's because society expects guys to not share how they feel and to fit a certain role in society that's complete bullshit.

To any man who feels like life isn't fair, because they wish they could have a bit more help, they wish they could open up a bit more, they wish they could be more honest, if we move closer to acceptance we can just be on some even ground here that's much healthier for all of us.

It's exactly the same thing as gays becoming bullies because they're just regurgitating something that happened to them before. It's all a cycle of this toxic relationship with ourselves and our self-esteem and our mental health and how we take out our emotions on others. And people need to be allies in order to have a better relationship with how they see themselves. It's just a fact.

You were talking about how, often, when we tell anecdotes about our pain it can seem like we're dealing with it, but actually it's just another way of being palatable for others. How do you balance making sure that you're being vulnerable and engaging with yourself honestly, while also presenting something that is fundamentally well-crafted for an audience?

There's a difference between me five years ago being like, “I'm depressed, ba-dum-tsch” and how I talk about my mental health now. What was behind that way I used to talk? I think for so many people – and this can apply to any issue that you can be stressed or upset about in your life – humour is this coping mechanism, it builds up a wall but allows you to get something out on the table without really dealing with it.

There's this whole discussion about what are you allowed to joke about and the line before you say, “Hey, you should stop talking about that and take it seriously.” For me, I still think you should be able to joke about your sexuality. I will tell stories about it, you can laugh at me being depressed, it's just that the person doing that has to acknowledge the pros and cons of approaching it that way.

It can also make you feel like you can see other people that are talking about it. Is 10,000 people joking about how depressed they are slightly weird and maybe there's an issue there? Yes, but at least that one depressed person goes, “It's not just me.” So there's a good side to it.

What every single person then has to do is not just let that procrastinate the issue. It can't be a band aid and then we all say, “Oh, there we go, we've done all the work that you have to,” because you can only joke about it for so long until you hit the wall.

For queer people who are confused, who are exhausted from various facets of existing in a heteronormative patriarchal, straight society, what are some good things to be able to do to be able to tuck themselves away to look after themselves?

The biggest thing is realising that it's not a big mysterious force that you can't control. You are actually not built and wired a certain way and there's nothing you can do about it. I used to tell myself this lie when I was feeling really depressed sometimes that I was just having a bad day and therefore on those days I guess I just have to spend the whole day crying into a pillow or something. That's not true. Unfortunately, you don't have that excuse. Because what I've learned from writing the book is there are so many things you can do to change how you think and feel, just in the moment.

For me, I'm that guy that bolts awake at 4am in the middle of the night in cold sweats, thinking about some traumatising gay thing that happened to me when I was 15. Now I'm obsessed with being mindful, trying to do something to indulge your senses to be present in the moment instead. When it comes to lifestyle, I hated this realisation myself, but it's not all therapy. There are lots of little everyday choices that every single one of us can make that have profound impact on how we think and feel. As much as I like to be an insomniac nerd that doesn't go outside and mostly eats takeaways, it's things like your support network, what's your social life like, are you getting a good night's sleep, how much do you move during the day, what's your environment like… Little decisions we make day to day, all of that adds up to create the foundation that your health and happiness is based on.

That's why I think the book is so important. It may make you feel personally attacked, but it's in a good way. If that's what I've had to go through publicly for the past ten years, I think it's only fair that everybody does that for themselves.

You Will Get Through This Night by Dan Howell is out now.

#daniel howell #danisnotonfire #dan #phan #mine #interview

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beeexx · 4 years ago

Text

Fic: Winter

4 tattoos on TK’s body, 4 stories set over each of the 4 season. Carlos and TK grow closer.

Read part one and two or the whole thing on my ao3 .

---------- When Carlos was younger he used to love Christmas, loved the lights, the food, the music and spending time with his family. He still likes all that but ever since becoming a police officer and seeing how absolutely crackers everyone gets over Christmas he has reassessed that notion thoroughly and decided that he only enjoys Christmas when he can completely shut off the outside world and escape the insane nonsens, then, yes Christmas is lovely. Having been single for the majority of his time on the force always makes him the first pick for working on the 25th, and this year is no different. So, he sees TK on the 24th before Gwyenth flies in and it’s sweet and fun but he feels TK might want to spend it alone with him next year, the seriousness of their relationship starting to require that they create some traditions of their own, and the 25th on a full 24 hour shift and then the 26th he goes home to his parents.

New Years comes along, it’s calm for him, he’s working the next day and he drinks sparkling water and coke for the whole evening they spend at Grace and Judd with the 126, Carlos has become an unofficial member of. He’s grown close with them all since starting dating TK and it’s not unusual for him to get his own invitation to stuff, sometimes even without TK. Mateo sends him texts asking dating advice, Paul will ask questions about cooking and recipes and he and Marjan have taken up playing padel together. So he’s definitely part of the group for sure and it’s lovely being surrounded by people who know each other so well that there are almost more alcohol free options than there are actual alcohol, food from all sorts of different countries and traditions and a warm atmosphere around as they watch the fireworks together out on the deck, celebrating the coming of a new year.

He drives TK home to Owen pretty early and TK gives him sad puppy dog eyes before he drags him into the back of the car for some light fooling around and very heated kissing that would definitely not have been approved of at Judd and Grace’s party before he regretfully has to leave if he wants to be able to work at all come morning. The choice of staying over is so tempting but Carlos knows he would struggle too much the next day when he would be forced to leave a very hot and cute and snuggly boyfriend while he has to work. So he kisses the love of his life passionately on the street, so much so that he looks completely dazed and confused when Carlos pulls away and tells him he loves him and that he promises to make it up to him the next time they are off together and TK, with his stern face on, makes him promise that he will.

But Carlos has been working a lot this winter, he knows, it's a habit, leftover from a long time of being single that he’s had a hard time shaking. He doesn’t like winter, it’s the only time of the year he’s usually always felt lonely, with all the holidays coming up being forced into social gatherings where questions are always asked whether he’s single or not and it used to grate endlessly on his nerves. And if he’s sometimes taken shifts on the days after or on the actual days to avoid the questions, well no one has to know.

Only this year he’s been so distracted that he’s forgotten he’s already accepted all these shifts almost a year before, before he was officially together with TK the way they are now, and the unfortunate result of this is that they have have become completely unmatched in their schedules which makes TK look more and more sad every time he has to leave him to go to work. It’s making Carlos’ sad too but because he’s worked so much recently, he’s made sure to switch his shifts around with a colleague so he’ll get three days off in a row, matching them all up with TK’s, and that’s what he thinks about every time he feels guilty about it.

But growing close with TK’s friends also means that he gets 15 texts in a row from Mateo, and five calls that have him promising to come to his party the Friday after the new year, because that’s his life now. And of course he’s late, because nothing ever goes his way and he’s barely had the time to change and shower when at home, basically just throwing on black jeans and a white t-shirt hoping that it will do and that he won’t be completely underdressed for the occasion. It turns out that isn’t the actual issue.

The issue is that apparently TK has had the time to choose clothes that make him look absolutely sinfully hot in his ridiculously tight jeans and pink button down that has one too many buttons left undone, teasing skin, his chain as always around his neck, part of his flower tattoo on exhibition for too many to see. Not that Carlos is the jealous type, but his boyfriend is attractive as hell and he’s definitely not the only one who has noticed that.

Which introduces the other issue.

“Oh my god babe, I’m so relieved you are here. I feel old.” TK declares absolutely horrified by having spent the majority of the evening in company with people who are probably old enough to drink because Carlos is not looking forward to arresting anyone, but with the majority of them being under 25, maybe?

But he agrees, everyone is so millennial here, like too millennial even for his tastes that they are all feeling much more like zoomers than anything, yes Carlos spends time on the internet. And he does have a younger sister that age and has spent too much time on calls where he’s been forced to talk to people under 20 feeling very much like they are speaking a completely different language to him. But being here Carlos realises that Mateo is actually a few years younger than him which has never even crossed his mind before, but standing here in Mateo’s new apartment he just moved into it’s becoming clear that Carlos with his 27 years is actually old in comparison to this.

Marjan looks to be having the time of her life though, looking slick and cool in her completely black awesome outfit, having a group of people wrapped around her fingers as they seem to hang onto every word, oohing and aaahing at the right places while Paul is playing on the ps5, him, Marjan and TK got Mateo for Christmas slaying everyone who dares playing against him. TK looks absolutely appaled at having been forced into the company of these people for the past few hours that he’s already been here, and it’s hilarious because sometimes riling TK up and annoying him is a little fun, but Carlos is the best thank you very much and he asks if TK wants to go have sex on Mateo’s bed in retaliation and TK’s eyes grow mischevous by the very idea.

“Yes, I love that.” He’s much happier already and he’s positively glowing, his slight addiction to misbehaving becoming evidently clear. Marjan stops both of them, wrapping her arms around their shoulders harshly.

“No screwing in probie’s bed.” She chides and TK’s mood sours immediately.

“Marjan, come on, look at this. I’m too old to be here, I want to have some fun.”

“Perfect, we’re playing truth or dare, you’ll love it.”

TK groans.

But they are forced into the game nonetheless because Paul joins too and when Paul and Marjan’s plans align they are a goddamn unstoppable force and there really isn’t anything you can do to escape it.

So, forced into a game Carlos hasn't played since probably high school is either going to become absolutely disastrous or the most fun he’s had in ages, he hasn’t made up his mind yet. Mateo joins as well and a bunch of other people Carlos is never going to learn the names of join together in the kitchen, TK being well TK sitting on top of the kitchen island, cross legged and leaning against Carlos who is sitting on one of the bar stools, his arms securely around him, sipping a really shitty beer someone gave him before the game started.

When a girl called Emily gets dared to call an ex of hers to tell him the rules of Monopoly even TK can’t help but laugh because she absolutely kills it, finishing the call with all of them applauding her because that was some Boss as shit to do, even Carlos respects it.

Lots of the people around them keep shooting lingering glances at him and TK, not judgeful ones, Carlos would probably fake threaten to arrest them for prejudice and discrimination if he felt any hostility, no, they are curious, kind, a little intruding maybe, but it’s done out of an eagerness, maybe at seeing a gay couple so openly happy and relaxed together that they can’t help themselves. Or maybe they’re checking them out and Carlos will accept that as a compliment without it getting to his head. When he leans forward and kisses the back of TK’s head it's obvious it’s become too much for the people around them and a guy called Fred bursts at the seams.

“TK.” He says. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth I guess.” He says nonchalantly.

“Who tops and who bottoms in the relationship?”

There’s a collective groan in the room and Fred blushes, obviously unaware of his mistake but seems to have enough awareness at least to realise he’s done something stupid. Carlos is just waiting for TK to give the guy a totally inappropriate answer exposing their sex life to a bunch of people who can only dream of ever having as amazing sex as they are having, yeah it’s not nice bragging, but doing it inside of his head where no one can hear isn’t hurting anyone, but it’s not TK who answers, it’s Mateo, beating TK to it.

“That’s a stupid question Fred, rooted in outdated gender roles while it also reinforces false heteronormative ideas of feminintiy and masculinty onto sex. The idea that you have to be dominant or submissive just because you like to give or receive is just ridiculous, because even you should be aware that depending on the mood, the time or whatever you’re not going to just enjoy one single thing, and if you do, then you’ve clearly only had terrible sex.”

The room grows silent, Carlos' eyes widening as TK holds back his laughter.

“Yeah that, what Mateo said Fred.” TK forces out, coughs to hide how he’s close to absolutely losing it while the room erupts into loud cheering and whistling making both Mateo and Fred blush.

“Daaaamn probie, who would have thought you actually listen when we tell you stuff huh? Good job.” Marjan says while Paul looks like a proud father, absolutely beaming. TK takes pity on Fred who is looking a little dejected.

“Just find yourself a partner that you feel safe and loved by and do some experimenting to see what you like, but make sure to set boundaries too, and you’ll be good to go. Also if you’re straight, respect women, they are the best thing we have.” Fred looks a little relieved as someone beside him pulls him into a rough friendly hug and they move on.

The game continues and soon everyone has forgotten Fred’s little mistake and the game grows louder and rowdier, Paul drawing the short straw of getting dared to smell everyone’s feet in the room and rank them.

“Carlos, truth or dare.” These kids are too thrifty for Carlos, he aint getting dared into something stupid.

“Truth.” He settles for. Lily’s eyes land on TK and she smiles sweetly.

“Favourite and least favorite thing about TK.” TK turns his head and grins as Carlos sticks his tongue out.

“Least favorite thing is his messiness and proneness to forgetful spells, you see kids turning 27 can make you a bit forgetful, don't forget to be kind to him tonight.” It sets the whole room off into roaring laughter and Carlos chuckles a little pleased at his own joke as TK glares without any heat, huffs and rolls his eyes. He makes sure to wrap his arms tighter around him.

“My favourite thing about him is his unwavering strength, his big heart and even though he’s struggled and failed and failed again he never gives up on trying to do better. It’s simple, I love him, so it’s easy to love every part of him.”

Loud AAAWWWWs erupts all over the room and TK’s flush is high on his cheeks as he leans towards Carlos, gently kissing him. A girl sends Lily a look of fondness, both him and TK catching it before she averts her eyes.

“I love you.” TK whispers, only meant for Carlos, and his heart swells from hearing the words for the 100th time. It never seizes to stop taking the breath out of him.

The game continues, someone making the mistake of daring Marjan to eat a spoon of hot sauce, her face not moving an inch as she swallows it without trouble, Mateo to tell everyone who he’d like to make out with in the room then being dared to do it by Carlos because she looks to be a little interested in Mateo too, while Carlos gets dared to behave like the person to his right which has the whole room dying and the acting lessons he took in high school coming in handy. It doesn’t surprise Carlos that this happens because these people are relentless but then, TK gets dared to give him a goddamn lap dance, the attention bouncing off TK in waves, his elation and cheekiness making him look way too hot while Carlos tries very hard to think of the pile of dishes at home in his sink to distract from not making good on his earlier promises and dragging TK away to Mateo’s room and get laid immediately. He sends Paul a hateful glare who looks smug.

By the time someone asks the question about TK’s flower tattoo on his chest Carlos has actually gotten a little tipsy, and the youngsters, which most of them aren’t really, because some he’s realised are as old as he is, have grown a lot on him. He’s having a very good time.

“What’s the story behind the flower tattoo, if there is one?” TK leans forward, eyes mischievous.

“It’s funny you should ask.” He begins and Carlos silently groans.

“So, the story begins when I was in Thailand, gap year and all that, I am sure you’ve been at that point in your life?” Some nod, TK has the attention of the whole room and he grows more and more confident, comfortable with everyone’s attention on him.

God, this is going to be funny.

“We were partying at my hostel, we got real drunk and I went home with a dude that I had met who were staying at a different place than I was. We were both really drunk, we fooled around in his room, you know what happened next, no details for you dirty buggers. Anyway, in the middle of the night I want a snack so I leave him sleeping. Only that I am still so drunk that I forget that to be able to get back to his room you have to have a key card to get the elevator to take you to the floors. So, only in boxers I take the elevator to the ground floor and try to get the vending machine to give me some chocolate, without any money. I stand there clicking every button I can find, when there’s suddenly a cat on the lobby desk. So drunk as I am my attention is immediately on the cat who wasn’t as much in a cuddly mood as I was.”

Carlos is not drunk enough to buy a word coming out of TK’s mouth, but he’s telling it with such conviction, hands motioning around, having completely captivated the room’s attention that even Marjan looks unsure whether to believe this or not.

“The cat runs away, I forget my hunger and I start to make my way back up to, Simon, that was the guy’s name. I try to find my way back up there, only the elevator doesn’t work because I don’t have a keycard so I’m screwed but of course too drunk to realise this. The elevator keeps going up and down though as people come and go and I’m there just in my boxers like a total loser. Basically someone must have thought that I was a prostitute because someone called the police who came to get me. They were so friendly by the way and so sweet, and there I am in my boxers out on the street so drunk I can barely remember my own name trying to answer questions about what my phone number is and where I live.”

He pauses for dramatic effect and Carlo bites his lip, hard and discreetly so no one can see how deranged he thinks this story is. Everyone seems to want to know more so TK pushes on.

“I get escorted out, given a jacket by someone to cover up and then they tell me that they will drive me home. While they are driving I see a tattoo shop that’s open 24/7 and I tell them to drop me there and say something like I live upstairs with the owner and show a photo of a friend who definitely isn't Australian or own any goddamn tattoo shop owner but they buy it. Or they were probably just tired of me, so they drop me off there and I insist I will be fine. Outside there’s a group of people, all of them clearly drunk. I join them, you know making friends while drunk it’s like the easiest thing in the world and then we go into the shop together, me in my boxers and Sydney PD jacket to go with and then have the massive flower tattoo made on my chest while my new friends cheer me on, pay for it too because I have no money or phone, drink some more beer inside of the shop and then we all share a cab back to the same hostel we were staying at and the morning after I woke up with the biggest hangover I have ever experienced, no phone, no clothes and a massive tattoo on my chest I barely remember getting.“ He finishes and the room has been rendered speechless.

TK is preening, loving what he’s just done. The whole room erupts into loud chatter soon enough and none of them can really make sense of the story and alternate between completely buying it and not buying it at all.

Carlos leans forward, nipping gently at TK’s ear before he whispers.

“Babe, I want the actual story for the tattoo.”

“What? You don’t believe what I just told you?” He asks, sweetly, innocently and Carlos snorts.

“Sure, and I am related to Lady Gaga.” TK laughs, turns his head and kisses him.

“I’ll tell you later.” He promises and Carlos pecks him gently on the lips. The room’s moved on and the game continues for a while longer before the crowd disrupts, Marjan and TK set on matchmaking Lily together with the same girl that looked at her earlier while Paul and Carlos get roped into an armwrestling contest that he’s going to feel in his muscles tomorrow for sure.

By the time someone decides they’re going out clubbing Carlos is fairly drunk, a comfortable buzzing just underneath his skin and he’s having a good time, he isn’t going to say no to dancing. TK finds him, sneaking an arm around him, refusing to let him go, which makes it much harder to get his jacket and shoes on and get downstairs and out to the uber that’s waiting. They must look slightly ridiculous like this but no one is paying attention to them and Carlos only has eyes for TK anyway, so nothing matters than him.

They share a cab with Paul and two other people Carlos cannot remember the names of but seems to be really engaged with Paul about some book they both love and Carlos tunes them out, nuzzling TK’s hair who is still wrapped around him. TK looks up to meet his eyes, smile soft and eyes alluring and lips plumb and extremely kissable. Carlos licks his lips.

“Can you two at least wait until we’re in the club so I don’t have to watch you suck each other’s faces off right here?” Carlos huffs and TK swats at Paul, not getting too far away from Carlos, his arms still wrapped around him.

What can he say? He’s drunk, in love and he has a stupidly hot boyfriend, he might be losing his grip on appropriate behaviour when TK is this near and this intoxicating. But maybe, just maybe he should stop drinking for the rest of the evening, especially if he wants to get laid when he gets home.

They get to the club and both TK and him lose the rest of their friends. Not that it matters much anyway, all he has eyes for is TK who doesn’t hesitate to take charge, pulling Carlos towards the dancefloor with such ease it’s hard not to be completely enticed by him. The music is loud vibrating through Carlos’ body and TK pulls him close, finally without having to care about other people, letting go of everything that was holding him back before, finally having TK all to himself.

TK looks to be in his right goddamn element, alive, happy, body moving with the freedom of being safe and in love and allowed to exist freely. Carlos barely even grapples with the urge to pull him close, he just does and kisses him, passionately, bruising, messing up his hair and pulling his hips close to his own. TK hisses against his mouth but he gives as good as he gets and he kisses back fervently, intensely with brutal vigor and Carlos loses his footing, it’s so good. They’re being so indecent right now, but there’s something positively addictive being with TK like this, grinding on each other, kissing without holding back, loving each other boldly and loudly.

It’s all Carlos has ever wanted.

TK pulls away, he honestly looks absolutely wrecked, way too good for Carlos to be sane about anything.

“Baby.” He rasps in Carlos’ ear, voice hoarse and broken and it goes straight to Carlos’ dick, he hisses in response. God he’s so gone. TK, the little devil kisses his neck, lips attached to the exposed skin of his t-shirt, licks his skin, pulls it into his mouth and Carlos bites at his lip, hard, pulling TK closer to him.

They are going to have to slow down otherwise they are going to get kicked out.

“Baby.” He says, sees a shiver go through TK as he clutches at Carlos’ hair, messing it up completely. “We’re going to have to slow down.”

“Why?” TK whines.

“Because we’re not having sex in the bathroom…” But even as he says it the image of TK on his knees in front of him is a little too much not to be very tempting. TK bites at his earlobe, the fucking tease and sucks it into his mouth.

“Fine, fine.” He agrees, pulls back and kisses Carlos, still sinfully hot, but a little more controlled and appropriate than before. He pulls back, smiles beautifully and Carlos knows he’s just never ever going to love someone the way he loves TK.

But they slow down a little, and somehow find Paul who points at Mateo making out with the girl from earlier, Marjan is at the bar looking mischievous and Carlos wonders what she has in mind. He finds that out when she walks towards them, glitter in her hands. She blows some onto Paul who swoops her up spinning her around as she laughs delightedly and then smears some onto Carlos’ face. He wipes parts of it off, but it sticks to his face like glue because of the sweat, and wipes it onto TK’s face, pulling him close to kiss him to stop his squeaking and swatting.

Mateo comes and joins them and they spend the rest of the night dancing and shouting and laughing and it’s liberating, a different kind of high to be out with friends who you love, who accept you and who you can be yourself with 100%. They are all going to spend weeks trying to get the glitter out of their hair though, Carlos knows as much.

At 5 in the morning he and TK stumble through his door, both of them unable to keep their hands off each other after behaving for hours. Finally they are completely alone.

…..

Carlos wakes up the next day when TK starts to move around in their bed. He hears him leave the room and Carlos groans, throws an arm across his face, hiding from the light streaming in through the opened curtains. He has a headache, not just due to being hungover, but more because of clubbing for hours with loud music, staying up for most of the night and probably because as much as he doesn’t like to admit it, he’s nearing 30. Being out clubbing all night takes much more of a toll on his body than it used to.

TK comes back, puts down what Carlos thinks is a glass of water on the nightstand before he crawls back into bed, Carlos pulling him close, snuggling up against him as soon as he’s back in bed. TK huffs but doesn’t object as Carlos noses at his neck, feeling TK run a hand through his hair.

He’s sore all over, from the arm wrestling, from the dancing and from the insane sex they had last night. And he’s probably wearing TK’s boxers by mistake, because they feel a little too tight on him so they are definitely not his. It’s not comfortable but he doesn’t have the energy to care.

“Morning.” TK croaks out, voice hoarse from all of the screaming. He hums, not really ready yet to be a human. He’s allowed to lie for a moment in bed, peaceful, but the thing with TK is that sometimes he’s inhumane in the mornings, taking after Owen undoubtedly, with his uncanny ability to just be awake. He can definitely be a sleepy little brat, but when he isn’t, once he’s up, he’s up.

“There’s glitter everywhere.” TK comments, smile evident in his voice. Carlos forces his eyes to open, blinks a few times and looks around the room, sees that there is indeed glitter on the bed, clothes lying all around the bedroom, pillows on the ground, the bottle of lube still open, leaking onto the hardwood floor and the mattress has been moved, lying halfway across the bed.

He groans, shifts onto his back pushing his unruly curls away from his face and rubs at his eyes, trying to feel a little bit more awake.

“Here.” TK says and hands him the glass of water. He thankfully takes a sip, moves the pillow more comfortably behind his head before he closes his eyes again, ready to sleep for a few more hours. TK huffs, shuffles around for a moment, unhappy, before he comes closer to Carlos, nudging his legs apart so he can settle between them. Carlos opens his eyes again and moves to make more room for him. TK immediately stops moving and settles, hands unconsciously stroking across Carlos’ chest.

TK has a pillow streak across his cheek, blue and pink glitter still on his face and his hair really is messy from Carlos pulling on it last night, and yet managing to look way too good for someone who has been up most of the night partying.

“Hi.” He says, voice hoarse too. He coughs to clear his throat a few times and TK’s mouth twitches.

“We broke the room last night.” He comments dryly, amusement dancing in his eyes.

“I’m sure it was mostly you.”

“The mattress was all you.” He smirks and Carlos snorts.

“Yeah I definitely feel that today, and a little like I’ve been hit by a brick…” TK laughs as Carlos struggles with words, not sure how to make his brain work.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“I hate to say this but I am getting too old to party like this.” TK laughs, swats his chest.

“Don’t say that. You’re making me feel ancient.”

“You seem to be handling it a little better than I am.” He mutters and TK snorts.

“Well I didn’t engage in an arm wrestling contest that was just an excuse to flex.”

None of them mention the very obvious reason as to why TK’s is feeling better than Carlos is. Not that they don’t talk about TK’s addiction, they do, sometimes a lot, sometimes less and sometimes not at all. It’s definitely become a fixed point in their relationship, it’s impossible for it to not be one when you are as serious as they are. But they don’t have to tiptoe around the subject anymore either, it’s become as normalised as it can be between them, even getting to the point where TK will sometimes make a crude joke about it that should have Carlos chiding him, that more often than not makes him snort and pull him into a hug instead.

And TK’s whole life, the very core of who he is is not defined by his substance abuse and addiction or his anxiety and issues, so their relationship isn’t either. More often than not they have the exact same problems any couple their age has and it’s nice it has gotten to that point after having had a really rough start to everything.

“What can I say? I’m hot and muscly.” He jokes, flexes his bicep for show as TK snorts, swats him a little harder than before.

“Well you beat everyone in the room who dared to go up against you, that’s not bad.”

“Thank you.” TK rolls his eyes without heat and leans forward to gently peck his lips.

“You have really bad morning breath.” TK observes, pulls back, grimaces in disappointment and Carlos snorts.

“I’m not surprised.” He lifts his head, looks around the room and then changes his mind, lies back down again. TK lifts an eyebrow.

“Just thinking whether I have the energy to get up and clean, I don’t.”

“You’ve earnt a morning in.”

“I think so too.” He agrees and TK huffs.

They’re quiet for a moment, enjoying just being in each other’s company after being apart for a while with their mismatched schedules. It looks like it might be sunny today too and Carlos can probably agree to take a walk, he’s sure TK is going to suggest it.

They’re both extroverts, but only to an extent. TK is learning that he actually likes spending nights in instead of going out to dinner or clubbing while Carlos has learnt the enjoyment of downtime as he can struggle with not knowing when and how to take a break or relax, always feeling like he needs to to do something, to be on his feet, to move, always edging closer to a burnout with the rhythm he’s going in. In that regard they are quite similar and relaxing together, shutting their brains off in a coping mechanism that isn’t sex (yes that works too but it’s not exactly a sustainable option) has become both a challenge and easier with time.

So they have taken to walking on the weekends or the days where they have time off, to talk about the hard stuff, the big life changing stuff or the small and silly things. There’s something with walking in nature that makes all the hard things in life feel easier, easier to detangle the messes and feel like everything will be okay. His ten thousand daily steps shoot in record each weekend when they keep pushing themselves to find new paths, or walk on the old ones, stopping for coffee when the weather allows it, basking in the sun and each other. It’s very old retired couple of them, but even Paul and Mateo’s teasing had come to a stop when Carlos had smacked a massive list of benefits in the group chat to shut them up and asked them to come with them instead. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. But it’s definitely a habit that’s just his and TK’s, carved out from love and finding ways to grow together.

“Sooo…” Carlos says, teasing and TK lifts an eyebrow and leans forward, his elbows resting on Carlos’ chest.

“The tattoo story from yesterday, that was a load of horseshit.” TK grins.

“That was hilarious, I wish someone would have filmed it.”

“I’m sure you would, you sneaky little monster.”

“I think you mean genius.”

“Sure, sure.” TK laughs and there are fewer things Carlos delights in doing more than making him happy. Ever since they got official he’s decided that it’s a daily goal, a promise to keep being happy together, and so far he’s kept it up.

Carlos lifts an eyebrow.

“This tattoo thing is becoming a recurring thing I see?”

“Ah, you’ve seen through my genius plans.” TK snorts.

“This is the first one I ever did.” Carlow grows serious and unconsciously reaches a hand forward, stroking along the tattoo on display.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, my dad wouldn’t let me until I turned 18 and I did some real begging and convincing to try and change his mind but he always said no. He settled for 18 because he has one himself which he did when he was 16 and was a lifeguard. It used to be a koi fish but he’s changed it a lot since then and it’s a bit of a mess. ‘A wonderful blob, just like his mind’ that’s his own words.” Carlos chuckles.

“Ah, so why a flower?”

“I don’t even know if it has a meaning or anything, I've just always associated flowers and plants with life and natural beauty and it gives me a sense of serenity, grounds me a bit more in reality when everything is uncertain. And you know me, a lot of things have been uncertain in my life.”

“Yeah, but considering what you’ve been through it’s amazing how far you’ve come, you know this right?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to learn that.” He smiles, a little shyly. “And life is finally starting to feel good again, like this is how it’s supposed to be and I feel safe with you.”

Carlos feels his eyes soften and his heart beat fiercely in his chest and he loves TK so much.

“I feel safe with you too.” He whispers and TK nods, like he understands, eyes soft and a sweet little smile at the edge of his lips as he melts in Carlos’ arms, like it’s finally clicked for him too that they really do belong together. Carlos isn’t very religious or superstitious but from the moment he met TK, when he was guarded and on edge and only wanted sex, knew that they would be good together, that there was something about TK that would manage to ground all of Carlos’ faults and flaws and that once they would be un equal ground, they would create something good and beautiful and stable out of something momentarily broken.

Because TK isn’t broken or damaged beyond repair, he never was and he isn’t now either.

He is the love of Carlo’s life.

He isn’t superstitious but he knows this.

“For someone claiming to be such a city boy you sure do have a lot of earthy and nature themed tattoos.” He comments, gently caressing TK’s cheek, hoping that all he feels for this man can be read in his face. When TK’s breath hitches he thinks he knows, or that he’s seen something he wasn’t expecting.

Carlos pulls him into a peck and TK whines.

“Don’t you have a breath mint or something so we can kiss properly?” He complains making Carlos chuckle.

He throws a look at the nightstand and TK grumberly climbs over him, poking Carlos hard on the nose which he expects is on purpose before he opens the drawer and pulls out a small box of tic taks. He pops it into his own mouth, climbs back on top of Carlos and reaches down, kissing him salaciously, loudly and gives the breath mint over to Carlos who honestly almost swallows it whole his whole body reacting so instantly to TK it short circuits his brain. TK grinds down and Carlos groans, pushing up for more friction and TK chuckles, pleased by the reaction, against his mouth before he throws the duvet to the side so he can get more access.

Suddenly Carlos doesn’t have a headache anymore.

…..

They do make it out of bed eventually and they clean the mess up together. Then Carlos takes a shower and when he comes back TK has made banana pancakes and Carlos realises just how hungry he is. He definitely does the majority of the cooking in the relationship but TK will surprise him from time to time by making something he knows really well, and he seems to have taken to breakfast wood with an almost natural ease, spending a long time of this relationship trying to perfect his banana pancakes.

And Carlos likes cooking so he really doesn’t mind that he does it a lot. He really was brought up with food being the ingredient that solved things within his family. It could be a forgiving gesture or a loving gesture and it was always a caring gesture, even when fights got big and words were said and Carlos was convinced the family was going to split into sides that would never heal, but food was the one constant. He’s taken that with him and it’s his way of showing TK how much he adores him, hearing him try something of Carlos’ and like it, face lighting up as the spices and flavours mix together perfectly is an incredible feeling.

So instead TK is observant, always makes him tea the way he likes it, comes by the station to give him coffee if he’s nearby, stacks up on the protein powder Carlos uses when he does go grocery shopping for them and buys him lunch when they are out in town, obsessed with trying new places. The best thing though is that Carlos’ kitchen has for months now been stacked up on things he would never buy himself, like the fancy hazelnut coffee syrup that’s now found a permanent place by his coffee maker, one of the empty shelves in his cupboard that he’s never found anything to keep there that TK fills up with sweets and snacks and chocolate. Or the vegan protein bars that are now a permanent fixture in a cupboard beside the oven.

TK hasn’t moved in officially but he barely goes home these days, once or twice every second week and only more often if TK and his schedules don’t align at all.

Carlos should probably ask him about moving in soon.

“Hi baby.” TK says and Carlos steps close, pecks him lovingly on the lips before he steals a piece of the pancake, TK swatting his hand away.

“Hey.” Carlos pecks him again before he goes to get some plates and set the table for them. TK comes carrying the plate with pancakes shortly after and Carlos makes himself a coffee because TK when he does drink it, it’s not usually in the mornings, and sighs happily as he swallows down the first sip and then they sit down and eat together.

Carlos is living on cloud 9 at the moment, he’s spent the majority of last night dancing with the love of his life, the morning was full of even more sex and now they’re having breakfast together, the thrill of it moves through him like a current, enfulging him into a warm blanket of happiness. And Carlos really truly is happy.

TK seems to sense it too, he keeps sending Carlos smiles over the table, hooking his ankle over his underneath it, rarely breaking eye contact. When they’re done TK comes forward, sitting down in Carlos’ lap, wrapping his arms around him.

“Hi you.” Carlos says, putting his arms around TK’s waist, pulling him closer to him.

“Hi.” TK whispers, pushes a hand through Carlos’ damp hair, messing up the curls even worse.

“I really like your hair like this.” TK muses, continues with the action, sending shivers down his spine.

“I’ve noticed.”

“Why don’t you keep your hair like this more often?”

“If you had curly hair you would know.” Carlos snorts. He cuts it regularly, hates it when it gets too long, it’s much harder to style and he wants his hair to be out of his way when he works so he tends to sleep with hair stuff in his hair when he goes to sleep, it takes him much shorter to get ready in the mornings that way.

“Maybe.” TK agrees, pulls at the strands a little, enjoying the sounds he’s bringing out of Carlos.

“This has been nice, I’ve missed you a lot recently.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I’ve missed you too.” He promises.

“Do you really have to work tonight?” TK sighs looking dejected.

“Actually no, not tonight, I switched my shifts around.”

“Really?” He looks so happy right now, eyes alive and sweet.

“Yeah.” He rubs his nose against TK’s who huffs but returns the movement before Carlos kisses his nose lovingly.

“So, what should we do with the rest of the day then?” He wonders. TK shrugs.

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter what, I just want to spend it with you.”

Carlos smiles.

“Me too.”

And so they do, taking advantage of the day fully, Carlos loving every minute of it.

#tarlos #tarlos fic #911 lone star #9-1-1 lone star #tk x carlos #carlos x tk #tattoo fic #911 lone star fic #carlos reyes #tk strand

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kanmom51 · 4 years ago

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In my earliest army days, I used to see *those* compilations and bought into the whole 'omg jungkook is shy around girls uwu' thing hook line and sinker. It is an appealing narrative for a predominantly younger female fandom especially. It reinforces the idea that 'ooooo girls we have a chance!' and makes Jungkook all the more down to earth and relatable.

But if you look at things from a logical and not heteronormatively programmed perspective, Jungkook is actually around girls and women all the time and NOT looking shy. He works closely (like literally close to his body, touching him, fanning him, styling him) with women almost every day of his life. He isn't cowering or running for cover. In one older, unaware of the cam footage moment, you can even see him sweetly leaning his head on a noona. Women often film Bangtan bombs, as we know. He is RELAXED around them, likely because he knows them. He is not always relaxed around strangers, or when when he was a teenager on camera with his possible crush *speculative*.

When Jungkook is interacting with unfamiliar people, especially in high stakes televised circumstances, sometimes there is a certain shyness or awkwardness (not sure if these are the words I am even looking for) that comes out. He used to hide behind RM at times, etc. It isn't ONLY around women that he's ever like this. He can be an introverted, shy nervous guy. But if you stitch together ONLY the times he is skittish (or seems skittish) around girls, then the narrative you end up with is a short awww uwu style video about a man with a boyish shyness around woman because he is a 100% raging heterosexual.

For the record, I don't know how Jungkook identifies. I personally believe he has shown repetitive and sustained (over years) signs of feeling attracted to Jimin. You could make a lot of compilations of Jk shy around Jimin (or other non girls), but it would not adhere to popular belief the way 'Jk is scared of girls and in love with iu' has.

Yes anon. Exactly that!!!

I specifically remember a clip that is repeated again and again of JK from American Hustle where he is cowering away, being ‘shy’ in the presence of women. For me this was really cringe worthy and misconstrued. This is a young teenager being faced with a new place, people, cultural behaviour. It has nothing to do with the fact they are women. It’s the fact they are new people in a new overwhelming environment. We cannot also ignore the cultural aspect here. JK is used to girls/women acting a certain way. That’s what he is familiar with, and these women he is faced with now are different. They are strong, straight forward, loud, most definitely not something he is used to, and that within itself could have been intimidating. So, in that specific situation what I got was not ‘shyness’ per say, but he looked intimidated, ‘shook’.

I didn’t love a lot of content in American Hustle. Some of it was not only cringe worthy but even cruel (the ‘kidnapping’, for instance). Calling it a prank doesn’t make it funny. These are young boys in an unfamiliar environment, most of them don’t understand the language. This was just cruel and unnecessary in my opinion. They were terrified.

Sorry anon, I know this has absolutely nothing to do with your ask, but I just felt I had to mention it.

#ask #anon #Jikook #Kookmin #Jungkook #JK

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ineffable-endearments · 3 years ago

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Okay. Now I'm going to submit some theories about how I think Crowley and Aziraphale specifically are going to go in the future of Good Omens.

Again, this post is not really...specific theorizing about plot events. It's big-picture stuff.

With that said, this post will get a bit heavy at times, in the sense that it will contain opinions that not everyone will like. It drifted into rambling about queerbaiting and all that stuff. I'm not going to spam anyone's dashboard with drama over it, but it's very possible someone else might try. It's also not really a negative post, depending on what you want to hear, I suppose. But if you're only in the mood to read fluff today, you'll probably want to pass it up.

Oh! Also it's very long, and sexuality is discussed in a vague way that doesn't involve any story elements or body parts.

For starters, I don't think Good Omens 2 - or even 3, if that comes about - is going to have anything explicitly sexual or romantic between the two of them, where "explicit" is things like the characters giving outright definitions of their relationship or outright discussing exactly what goes on between them, either on or off-screen. I also don't think there's going to be kissing or "hooking up" (come on...that person on Twitter shouldn't have even asked). Those actions are too blatant for what Neil has already said about the series. While they technically leave some room for interpretation, they probably don't leave enough.

I DO think it's quite possible other characters will continue to define the relationship FOR them and Crowley and Aziraphale will continue to not deny it.

As far as the queerbaiting debate, "is Good Omens queerbaiting"...it's gonna depend how you define it. I always learned that queerbaiting was basically where the creators intentionally make it look like a character is gay or otherwise queer but then swap that character development out for a cis identity and hetero relationship at the end. The point is that the "bait" leads to queer audiences being actively hurt. That's the behavior that seems awful to me, and I don't see Neil and company doing that.

However, I think it's far and away the most likely option that it will be left up to interpretation whether Crowley and Aziraphale are, you know, a buddy duo or a romantic couple or some sort of ineffable queerness all their own off-screen. So if your definition of queerbaiting is "the characters seem gay to us, but homophobes can tell themselves they're not," then yes, I think that debate will follow us to our graves if we let it.

I am a cisgender, possibly straight (?? demi/bi? I might never find out) woman. There is absolutely no way I could ever tell anybody, ESPECIALLY not gay guys and nonbinary people - the people Crowley and Aziraphale tend to resemble the most - how to feel about their treatment in the story. All I can offer is that I'm one flawed individual and there are things I have the emotional capacity to handle and things I don't. Crowley and Aziraphale as both a canon construct and a fandom pairing mean an absurd amount to me, and I can't hang around in spaces where people are constantly talking about how my own interpretations of them are not enough, or how the story is written with ill intentions. I don't want to stop anybody from venting about it, but I am going to be removing myself from those situations.

I like to imagine 1990 NeilandTerry, or TerryandNeil, as a sort of two-headed God who came up with Crowley and Aziraphale, set them loose on Creation, and now are watching them get up to way more ridiculous stuff in the brains of their fans than they'd ever imagined in the first place. I like to imagine them watching, amused and bemused, as their creations fall in love in thousands of universes, and saying, "Well, we didn't specifically Plan for this, but we did promise free will."

This is psychoanalytical toward a public figure and is therefore a bit dangerous, so please take it with an entire mountain of salt, but I sometimes think perhaps Neil sees some of his and Terry's friendship in Crowley and Aziraphale, and suspect that he wants to reserve the possibility that they could be platonic because he and Terry were platonic, while at the same time leaving room for the fans to have their own interpretations, too. Because if there's one thing that comes up really frequently with Neil, it's his belief in imagination and how much stories matter to people. He can have his little corner of the universe where A and C reflect himself and Terry, and we can have...literally anything we want, as long as we're willing to extrapolate just a little bit from canon. It's not even that much extrapolation! It's just "Yes, they love each other, so what exactly does love mean to you?" and if love means kissing, well then, if we can think it, we can have it.

Given that Neil has written LGBT+ characters before, I think he has non-bigoted reasons for wanting Aziraphale and Crowley to remain undefined, and given even the small chance that those reasons may involve the grieving process for a dead friend, I believe it is unkind to argue with him about it or hold his reputation hostage over it.

With that said, do I want canon kissing/hooking up/all that stuff we put in fics? Listen, I can't deny that I do! Personally, I'd be over the moon. I'd probably be so happy I'd have to go to the hospital to get sorted out. Even the thought of it makes me giddy and light-headed, because that physicality is a part of my own experience of love.

However, there are a lot of people who would feel left behind if that happened. Ace and aro people in the fandom whose love for their friends and partners is just as strong as mine, but who are sex-repulsed or just don't want to see kissing on-screen. The loss of Crowley and Aziraphale as a pairing who are extremely easy to interpret as queerplatonic would be hurtful to them, and I do not want to see them hurt like that. I don't think Neil does, either.

So, once again, the "best for everyone" option becomes a really strong canon relationship based in both narrative function and profound affection, which has genuinely thoughtful queer undertones and leaves open the logical possibility for romantic or sexual encounters but does not insist that they must happen. People, especially fans who are super invested, tend to have an easier time imagining scenarios that take place off-screen (e.g. kissing, sex) than they have erasing scenarios that they've already seen in canon (e.g., if someone wished they could continue viewing it as an ace relationship but they were shown "hooking up"). Also, while relationships are super emotional and extremely subjective, I'd argue that in a long-term adult partnership, the non-sexual connection is more important than the sexual one. As a fan, I'd prefer to extrapolate "they love each other so maybe they'd have sex" rather than "they're sexually attracted to each other so maybe they'll intertwine their whole existences together."

It probably isn't necessary to add, but I will anyway: I'm aware that Good Omens is sort of sacrificing social leverage - the ability to whack homophobes over the head with canon if they try to deny the show's queerness - and is thus not really contributing to making specifically gay relationships more widely seen and accepted. However, I don't think all stories have to invest heavily in every social issue they touch on for them to still be meaningful. I also do think Good Omens is an excellent example of a relationship that is extremely profound without being heteronormative.

I don't think the next season is going to be a rom-com. It will likely not even be a "love story," where the definition of "love story" is "a story that follows the development of a relationship and employs certain plot beats to make its point." Remember that conflicts and breakups are key to love stories, so if it IS a love story, then we're going to have to watch the relationship get challenged in ways some of us might have thought were already resolved in season 1! And while that could be thrilling and ultimately very good, it would also be likely to undercut some of the careful headcanoning and analysis we've already done. Any sequel is going to do that to some degree, but a second love story would probably do it a lot, with interpretations that people are even more protective of.

I'm sort of thinking the next season is likely to be a fantasy-heavy mystery, only because those are the two concepts Neil's introduction led with - an angel with amnesia who presents Crowley and Aziraphale with a mystery. Crowley and Aziraphale's connection to each other can still absolutely be a major theme! It can still be the thread stitching the plot together! It just probably, in my opinion, won't escalate and escalate and escalate like it did in season 1. And it will probably be woven in there among a lot of other plot threads that are, in many moments, louder. Still, I'd love to be left with the impression of these two existences, the light and the dark, subtly becoming more intimate, subtly growing more comfortable in this shared place they've chosen in the universe, gradually starting to behave like they know they aren't alone in the world anymore, all while other things happen to and around them.

Nonsexual physical intimacy - a really great hug, or leaning together on the sofa, or a forehead touch, or something like those, something that could happen in a lot of different kinds of relationships but is undoubtedly based in deep trust and affection and a desire to be close...that's the dream, for me. Oh, how lovely it would be.

Of course, I could be just absolutely, embarrassingly wrong about all this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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lesbian-vmin · 4 years ago

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Why do you think Vmin are "allowed" these questionable (at least for those who ship them) moments? I find it curious that some things are really pushed to the front (jikook for sure), and then sometime we get the vmin moments and left to wonder are they real or fanservice? I really despise the thought that either Jimin/V/other members are doing this on purpose, because they genuinely seem authentic (as much as a celebrity can be on camera), 1/2

Honestly, the whole moment of Jimin saying that he didn’t keep in touch with his members at all was pretty weird. Jimin, since day one, has painted himself as someone who loves his members very much. He doesn’t want to be away from them for too long, and he seems more interested with collaborating with each one of them individually before moving onto people outside of his group. This might be why we don’t have him collaborating with other artists while Jungkook, Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi have all done so. And of course BTS as a whole. (I don’t think Taehyung and Jin have? But I might be forgetting something) And Jimin has a great voice. There’s no reason anyone wouldn’t want to feature him in a song. So I’m sure there are people who want to collaborate with him, and I imagine he’s gotten offers. (This is relevant to the ask, I promise.) Although language barriers may be a reason (he might not be as comfortable collaborating with people he can’t communicate with well as some of the others are, excluding Namjoon (and maybe Jungkook is getting there) who is better at English.)

So we can look at this several ways. We can take Jimin at his very minimal word and assume that he didn’t communicate with his members at all during his vacation. In which case, I would assume that he took it as a very much needed break from them, and decided to focus on the time that he was able to spend with his family. Or, we can assume that not every word is 100% true. Maybe when he says he didn’t keep in contact, he doesn’t mean that he didn’t keep in contact at all. Maybe he messaged them once in a while to see how they were doing, but didn’t contact them regularly. Maybe he did keep in contact with them, but just wasn’t talking about his vacation. They could have talked about anything under the sun, but since they weren’t sharing vacation details, he may have counted that as not keeping in contact. Because people would question, “mm, if you guys were in contact regularly, why don’t you know details about each other’s vacations?” If they happen to be talking about something, and another member seems to not know the information. He didn’t want to give anyone a reason to question things like that. We can also wonder if he did, in fact, keep in contact with them, but he doesn’t want to share certain things about the members and his personal time. So he just told us that he didn’t stay in contact with them. I don’t know whether to take Jimin at his word for that specific moment, but I also don’t think it matters whether they stayed in contact or not. Even if the members are close and consider each other friends or family, they don’t have to remain in contact at all times. I don’t think it’s weird for friends to go on vacation (say, home for the holidays) and not talk to each other. In fact, it’s the truest friends that can come back after not speaking for a week to months at a time and act like normal (instead of being awkward each other). Act like no time was lost. (At least this is how I see it because it’s how I am with my friends. I don’t typically keep in regular contact with people who aren’t physically around me [I don’t text much, so unless someone like talking on the phone or video chatting, we probably wouldn’t stay in contact while apart] because I like to enjoy the company of those I am actually with. This might have been the case for them. It doesn’t mean they aren’t close or don’t care about each other.)

Disclaimer. This post may talk about topics that could offend easily offended people. If you are easily offended. Don’t read. You have been warned. Also I talk a lot about both Jikook and Vmin in here. Skip to the Vmin part if (for whatever reason) you don’t want to read about Jikook. But I’d rather you really read the whole post because this goes beyond shipping and focuses on them as people.

JIKOOK

The way Jikook is pushed to the front to me is actually one of the things that make me feel like they are fan service a lot of the times. (I’m not saying anything bad about Jikook because it’s pretty obvious that Jimin and Jungkook both adore each other and love being around each other, but they really are pushed quite hard and obviously.) I don’t know why that is. I don’t know the company’s reason behind pushing Jikook so hard, but I have at least one idea as to why they would do so (if they aren’t a couple). Because Jungkook is the “manliest” member of the group, and Jimin is the most “feminine.” You have Jungkook who is tall, broad, and strong. Then there’s Jimin who is small and cute, and he doesn’t try so hard to be manly these days. (I felt like he tried to present himself like a strong man in early debut because he didn’t want people to view him as the smallest and weakest member of the group, but it’s pretty clear that he became more confident in who he actually is over the years. And this is not a hint toward any gender-identity because I’m a firm believer that a man doesn’t have to fit the “masculine” spectrum to identify as a man. I feel like that’s leaning toward toxic masculinity).

Anyway, focusing on the Jikook thing, I think that’s why they get pushed forward a lot. And I hate to say that about Big Hit because it’s a bold statement to make, but it makes sense. They can easily look like a couple because it’s easy for people to imagine Jungkook as the “man” and Jimin as the “woman.” Since there are many shippers who ship for fetish reasons instead of gay right reason, these kinds of ships are likely to draw people in. It’s unfortunate, but it’s also true. Because of heteronormative culture.

The big moments between Jikook, like I said, often look like fan service to me. That being said, I’m not saying all of their moments are fan service. It just looks like interactions between them are more likely to be focused on during editing because of the reasons I’ve stated above. It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions, but I think that’s what’s happening. And it kind of makes me feel bad for them because it’s like the company is making a show of their relationship (regardless of what kind it is). Even if they are in a real romantic relationship, I can assure that’s not why they are pushed to the center, and it’s far more likely it’s for marketing purposes. So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl because Jungkook is oh so strong and Jimin is oh so dainty?” Even if Big Hit is LGBT friendly, it doens’t mean that they can’t do/say homophobic things (even unintentionally) or that they can’t market BTS for a heteronormative culture, and a culture that fetishizes gay people or uses being gay for entertainment. (Edit: and fantasizing.) I’m not saying it’s right for them to do so, because I don’t agree with it at all. And I’d hope that’s not the reality of it (because I really want for Big Hit to be different), but it seems like it sometimes.

Now before I get into the Vmin part, I’m going to share a disclaimer. Because I hope people don’t come at me after I’ve already admitted that it’s pretty obvious that Jikook are close and love each other. I’ve mentioned a potential romantic relationship between them, so I’m not dismissing them as the “real” couple (and I’m also, ffs, not saying there is a “real” couple between the two). I adore Jikook, and I wouldn’t even be sad if they were ever confirmed. So. Keep that in mind for this next part.

VMIN

I don’t want this to turn into a post of me comparing Jikook and Vmin, and I decided to answer this ask because I was sure that I could answer it with that intention in mind. So let’s see if I can do this right.

When it comes to Vmin, I feel like there are far less moments that can be chalked up to fan service. There are clear moments that are fan service, so I’m not saying Vmin don’t participate in that at all, but it seems like they do less than Jikook. (And I know this is a comparison right here, but I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way but) When Jikook does fan service, it’s so seemless and natural. When it comes to Vmin, it’s sometimes a little awkward, and they’re more shy. I don’t know what that means for the two different types of relationships, but I’m not getting into that (because then it becomes comparing the two in a way I don’t want to on this blog).

I think Big Hit chooses Vmin friendship moments to focus on because they know that people love their “platonic soulmate” dynamics. But, when it comes to “shippy” moments, these aren’t pushed forward as much. Because Taehyung isn’t broad and manly like Jungkook, so it probably seems a little too gay. And that’s not okay. It doesn’t sell as well as a couple that can be imagined as heterosexual. (And I also think this is why Jikook is the bigger ship, honestly.)

That’s it, and I know I didn’t address everything in this ask. And I’m sorry for that. But I tried to focus on what (I think) was the main point. And I wanted to make it about something very real rather than about ships.

So while I did, in fact, compare the two, I’m not comparing their “realness” or anything like that. I’m comparing their marketing value because I think that’s what it boils down to when we get to see what we see. And if anyone comes at me for my comparison on a personal shipping level, you will be ignored because that’s not what this is about. And if you can’t get that from what I’ve said thus far, then you aren’t reading my words and heart correctly.

I do want to talk really quickly about them faking it, and I’m going to focus on Vmin for this because it’s a Vmin blog. I don’t think they fake it. Because some moments are so subtle that they’re clearly trying to be hidden, and some are so natural that they clearly weren’t thinking about it too much. That aside, I don’t think they would fake their close bond. When Jimin wrote a song and was told that he would sing it with Taehyung, he didn’t have to make Friends. He could have made the song about anything he wanted, and we would have taken it with just as much enthusiasm. It was his choice to make friends, and I believe he put his heart into that song. Since it was the first song he ever had part in for an album, it’d be pretty disrespectful to claim that he’s just trying to save face or not being honest in it. And I know a song could be chalked up to how well it sells, but I think that’s for the company to worry about, but as an artist myself, I know that your heart and soul goes into anything you create. And I just don’t feel right about blatantly disregarding a personal song, so yes. It’s one of my main arguments why Vmin are obviously, honestly, close and care about each other. And I will stand by that forever.

EDIT: All right. I went through this post and personally cherry picked the things I wanted you guys to focus on when reading instead of you doing it yourself. Because you’re hung up about the fact that I mentioned that Jikook has fan severice moments (even though I said the same thing about Vmin), so you’re clearly cherry picking, not reading the whole damn post, or getting hung about the fan service instead of focusing on my main fucking point. I NEVER said they weren’t close. In fact, I took the TIME to put a DISCLAIMER stating that it’s PRETTY OBVIOUS that they’re close, and that they genuinely like spending time together. I get that I said “Vmin has less fan service moments” or whatever. Let me clarify: What I meant was that it’s the EDITING and the fact that they FOCUS SO HARD on jikook that makes a lot of their moments feel like fan service. There’s no shortage of Jikook moments, and it’s NOT because Jikook are the only ones with moments, it’s because they’re the ones that make the cut most often. And I stated the reasons why I think that is. I literally even explained the thing about the editing and said, “It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions,” but sure. Dismiss whichever statements you want. Because clearly you get to decide what I mean instead of me. Also, “So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl”

And, in case it’s not clear from how I talked about their relationship here, I am, in fact, a Jikook shipper, too. I stated at least TWICE in here that I wasn’t trying to dismiss the realness of them. And I talked about how shitty it is for the company to use their relationship (if real) for marketing. And unless they’re ever confirmed, that’s what they’re doing. It’s marketing. Because if the company wanted people to care about their real relationship, they would let them come out. And that is NOT me dismissing the fact that they could be in a real relationship. If you can’t tell from what I’ve just written right here, I’ll clarify by repeating what I’ve already said in the post. Because if the are in a real relationship, I can guarantee you that is not why they get pushed so hard or shown the most. It’s because their masculine/feminine vibes are marketable. There are Jikookers, LIKE ME, who ship them because they like Jikook. But you can’t deny that there are a lot of Jikookers who ship them because they’re a straight girl in love with Jungkook and imagine herself in Jimin’s place because it’s easy to see. If you are one of the real Jikookers that ship them for their actual relationship and would LOVE it if they were ever confirmed, then fine. That’s not about you. But you have to admit that there are a LOT of shippers out there (not just Jikook) that ship them with guys because they don’t want them to end up with another girl that’s not the fan doing the shipping. Yet they still would be upset if they were ever confirmed because then it means they’re actually gay.

I love Jikook, and this post wasn’t intended to dismiss their relationship or bring it down. And I’d say I’m sorry if that’s the impression you got from it, but if you’d actually read and not choose which parts to focus on, you wouldn’t have gotten that impression. I just hate it that you guys got that impression because I do genuinely like Jikook. As much as Vmin, honestly. I was focusing on how the company treats the two ships, but sure. Dismiss every time I’ve drawn the post back to that point.

#answered #anonymous #vmin #jikook #vmin analysis #koala answers #got a lot of things off my chest with this #said a lot of things i never would have addressed without this ask #and a lot of things i know I’ll probably get hate for #but if i can change this awful heteronormative behavior one step at a time #it’s worth it

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6ftslytherin · 3 years ago

Text

Another fic

Ismelda comes over, but Marie's family is weird.

(Trigger warning for bipobia.)

Marie was on pins and needles. She needed this to go well. Her and Ismelda had been dating since April. Sure. Ismelda had been over once before, but that was as a friend and she didn't have the chance to introduce her to her family. Now things were completely different. Marie would have to introduce them to each other. Unfortunately, her family was being their normal selfs at the moment.

"Guys, are you sure we need a cake?" Marie asked as she watched her parents put together a silver and black three layer cassata cake. "Oh qizi, we're just so excited for you! We didn't think you would have a partner until your mid twenties." her mother Regina said with a small dab of frosting on her cheek. "Marigold, you need to stop being so cute." her father Robert said before kissing the frosting away. "Robbie!" Regina put down the bag of frosting she had been using. She grabbed him and gave him a dip kiss.

"Yeah... Uh... Could you guys... Not be so... Touchy feely while Ismelda is here?" Marie asked as her parents seemed to be posing for a cheesy romance paperback. "What do you mean?" Regina asked while holding Robert's butt. "Ismelda is coming over as my girlfriend for the first time. You guys are used to doing this lovey dovey stuff but we've barely held hands. You're gonna freak her out!" Marie tried to calmly explain. She knew for a fact her and Ismelda had kissed three times, but telling her parents would just get them to want talk about it like school girls.

"I agree. You inherited your swooning powers from me. It's only natural that you would scare the poor girl." Said a handsome blond twenty-something that was reading The Daily Prophet with a cup of tea. Marie set her sight on him next. "And uh... grandpa Ford? I'm not going to ask you to take off the youth illusion, but could you at least not dress like a gigolo?" She asked. "It's not my fault the Italians make a great suit. It's also not my fault I make them look better." He said. Marie scratched at her own hair. "She's going to think we're insane." Marie quietly said. Then she noticed two missing elements.

"Where are Jimmy and Conan? Are they looking for frogs?" She asked. "Probably." Robert said. Marie scratched her hair more. "Why? We are having a guest over and you let them go play in the mud?" She asked. Regina had stopped kneading Robert's dough and walked over to Marie. She put her arms around her in a big hug. "Marie, everything is going to be alright. Flipping out is just going to make you stressed." Marie didn't like to be touched by anyone she wasn't close with. A tight hug from her mom was something that made her feel all warm inside.

Then her dad came over and picked them both up in a bear hug. Not that hard to do since Marie was chronically underweight and her mother was small. He was clearly sniffling. "My baby girl, going out into the world and finding a girlfriend of her own." He said with tears of joy in his eyes. Marie knew what was coming next. She was unable to protect herself from the coming attack. Robert gave Marie a bunch of stubbly kisses on her cheek. "Dad!" She loudly said as she felt her skin becoming irritated. "Could you at least shave before Ismelda gets here?" "I think he looks ruggedly handsome." Regina said.

"Do you need help?" Marie's blood went cold. She looked over to the doorway to see her girlfriend Ismelda. It was easy for Marie's pale skin to show blush. This time she could have been been mistaken for a ripe tomato. She was so embarrassed she didn't notice that her feet were back on the floor. Her legs felt like they had the bones removed. She tried to regain her composer and ignore the urge to chew on her hand.

"I-Is. I-I didn't k-k-know you were h-h-here yet." Marie said, cursing her nervous stutter. "Yeah. They let me in." Ismelda said pointing out the window. Marie was horrified to see her half naked brothers, coated in mud, heading to the outside showers. Marie just about fainted. Why did her brothers have to have such an interest in reptiles? Why did it have to rain last night? Why did her family have to be weirdos?

"Marie!" Marie snapped back to reality. Ismelda was slowly pulling Marie's hand from her mouth. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Ismelda asked. "Y-yeah. I'm fine. My family's j-just a bit m-m-much." Marie said. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see her parents looking worried. "Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Do you need to sit down?" Regina asked. Her father was holding a chair. Grandpa Ford was holding a glass of water.

Marie scratched her hair. Even if they were goofy, they cared. "I think she just needs to go to her room. I'll take her." Ismelda said as she lightly pulled Marie to the door. "Yeah. I think some privacy would be good." Marie said as she walked out the door with Ismelda.

They got to Marie's room. Ismelda closed the curtains as Marie flopped face first on her bed. She put a pillow over her head. Marie felt Ismelda rubbing her back. For some reason, Ismelda was one of the few people who's touch made Marie feel relaxed. Ismelda always managed to find just the right spot on her lower back. "You doin okay?" Ismelda asked. "Yeah..." Marie said through the pillow.

Marie turned her head for clearer speech. "I'm sorry for that..." "For what?" "My family. They're just like that." "At least your family cares about you. I don't think I've been hugged in years. At least not when my parents didn't need to look like they cared to other people." Marie remembered when she had gone to Ismelda's house. Her parents hadn't even looked up from what they had been doing when Ismelda introduced them. She had said without hesitation that Maire was her girlfriend. All that was said by her father was, "tell us when your done playing queer."

Marie couldn't believe what he had said, but Ismelda explained that they didn't believe she was bisexual. Her sister had been the one to find out first (read her dairy,) and told their parents. They demanded answers. When confronted about her newfound female attraction, she explained she liked men and women. Her parents assumed she was doing it for attention. Her sister however had started to make fun of her for being a lesbian. For some reason they couldn't understand she liked both. Now she keeps a hidden dairy and a decoy she 'hid.' Her real diary was in the form of puzzle box that turned into a book when solved. She was tired of people reading it.

When Marie told Ismelda both her parents were bi themselves she became very interested in meeting them. Must be nice to know older people with the same identity. Where was Marie going to find a middle aged lesbian? The only gay women she knew were her cousin Sabine and her friends. She couldn't consider them her elders in the non-heteronormative community.

Marie rolled on to her back, Ismelda's hand now resting on her lower abdomen. "I think I've calmed down enough." She said. "Good. Though, your cute when you panic. Not that you are panicking. I didn't mean it like that. But the little things you do." Ismelda said as she played with hem of Marie's shirt. Her face turned a bit pinker. "Like when your face gets all red and your ears do too." Marie thought about the same thing happening to Ismelda. Yeah. It was cute. Ismelda started to use her free hand to play with her hair. Also cute. Ismelda started to move in for a kiss.

The door opened, she froze. "Qizi, the cakes done." Regina said as she poked her head in. "Oh." She said, seeing her flushed daughter on the bed and her also flushed girlfriend who was holding the bottom of her shirt while leaning over her. Regina shut the door faster than she had opened it. "Well... When your done we can cut the cake. Internal condoms and dental dams are under the bathroom counter. Use the water based lube. Should be right next to them." She said on the other side of the door before audibly walking away.

At that point all Marie wanted to do was disappear. Her mother thought they were going to need contraceptives?! She appreciated the offer, but Marie did not need them! She put a pillow over her face and screamed. She heard laughing. "Did she think we're 'getting busy?' Oh my god! And you guys keep that stuff in stock?!" Ismelda said as she laughed so hard she was snorting. "Your family is insane, I love it!" Marie removed the pillow. She couldn't help but laugh as well. "Yeah, I love them too." She reached up and finish the kiss Ismelda had started.

"So what kind of cake?" Ismelda asked. "Cassata." "Any reason for that type?" Ismelda asked as she cupped Marie's face. "I might have said it's your favorite. It's their first time making it, so don't get upset if it's not up to your standard." Marie said. "Maybe I'll try the speciality next time. What would that be?" "That would be either kurabye cookies or shekerbura. My dad learned Azerbaijani cooking to impress my grandparents." "No idea what those are." "Kurabye are jam-" Marie was cut off by Ismelda saying, "Actually, I want it to be a surprise. In fact, I want a full course meal with only the finest cooking. Completely a surprise as well." "No problem, but we should probably get downstairs. Before my parents think we really are 'getting busy." "Can't wait to be formally introduced."

Bonus:

"We weren't doing anything." Marie said as she finished her last bite of cake. "I wasn't doing anything either, that's how you got here." Regina said before sipping her tea. "But we're both cis women. How would we conceive?" Marie said, setting down her fork. "Safe sex should be done regardless of what parts you and your partner have." Regina said. Marie groaned as she started to scratch at her hair.

#hogwarts mystery #hphm #marie lowell #ocs #oc x ismelda #marie x ismelda #fan fic #ismelda murk

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constantlytiredghost · 4 years ago

Note

For the smooch promts. 4 for Martin Gerry or 15 for Daisy and Basira. Your choice. ;)

Here we go one (1) GerryMartin (technically JonGerryMartin but shhh)

with 4: An accidental brush of lips followed by a pause and going back for another, on purpose I mean at this point it's the prompt rather loosely interpreted and split into an accidental 'kiss' and brushing lips against each other before diving in for another kiss BUT I hope you like it nonetheless :'D (and as you already know Daisira also happened and is already up on ao3 lel)

Having a crush on your boss was already bad enough, but also having a crush on the childhood friend of your boss was worse. But here was Martin, crushing on both, the small grouchy head archivist who happened to be his boss and the tall, buff goth that occasionally appeared in the archives to bother aforementioned grouchy head archivist.

And they were dating. Probably. They hadn’t announced it or anything, but it seemed pretty obvious from an outsider perspective that there was something between them, that went beyond a normal friendship. Simply watching the way they interacted with each other showed that.

Not that Martin watched them interact or anything. Not a lot at least. Sometimes he simply saw them. Like that time when he had seen them walk down the stairs of the institute, Gerry’s arm slung across Jon’s shoulder pulling him close, or the time when he had found them in the breakroom with Jon nearly sitting in Gerry’s lap. So they didn’t need to announce anything for Martin to be convinced that they indeed were a thing, which was fine really. He was happy for them, but it wasn’t exactly making things easy.

Martin had tried to stomp those pesky feelings, but that hadn’t worked so far. He tried to keep his distance, he really did, but there was only so much he could do to avoid his boss and Gerry had a knack for finding him. Because even when he hid away in a storage room, putting old statements away, he couldn’t escape.

“Do you need help?”

Martin nearly let the box with the files drop. Speaking of the devil.

“Gerry! Geez… ah, well no, I’m good I think. Thanks for asking though.” he replied, trying to calm his racing heart. “Did Jon kick you out again?”, he asked then.

Gerry huffed amused.

“Yep. It’s statement time, no interruptions allowed for the next mhhh 20 minutes? Unless I want to get threatened with a tape recorder. So I thought I’d check if I can be of help elsewhere.”

Martin chuckled softly before he shook his head lightly.

“Well, as I said, I’m good. Maybe ask Sasha? Or Tim?”, he suggested.

Gerry gave him a long and piercing look that Martin couldn’t quite interpret.

“Sure.”, he said then. “Are y…”

Before he could finish that sentence, the light above them flickered and went out.

“...shit.” Gerry said instead, and Martin had to agree.

“I think they got a new piece from the Dark in the Artifact Storage today.”, he mumbled, feeling around for the shelves, bumping into Gerry in the process.

“Sorry.”

“No worries, I’m fine.”

“That’s uh great, uhm well I’ll go look for the fuse box in case it’s just, well, normal stuff instead of the Dark.” Martin said, making his way along the shelves into the direction of the fuse box.

“I’ll come with you.”

“You don’t need too.”

“But I want too, and in case something tries to jump either of us it’s better not to be alone.”

That was sadly a pretty solid argument that Martin could hardly say no to, so he sighed.

“Oh, and I have a flashlight.”

A dim light flickered to life, making Martin squint his eyes when it danced over his face.

“Fine.” he relented.

“Great, lead the way.”

The light of Gerry’s torch was weak and flickered, but it didn’t die, so Martin had hopes that maybe, maybe they wouldn’t have to deal with some sort of darkness monster and could just fix some fuses and be done with. He doubted that they were that lucky, but he still liked to hope.

The fuse box for this area was in a small room in the back and calling it a room was maybe too much. It was a glorified closet with enough space for the fuse box, a few supplies and two people if you squeezed as it turned out.

Gerry’s side was squeezed against his, and maybe Martin was panicking a little bit.

The only reason for Gerry being in the closet with him being that they were both stubborn. Gerry refused to give him the flashlight while Martin was blind without it, but refused to move, so Gerry had simply squeezed in next to him so he could shine at the fuses.

“Well, this, unfortunately, looks fine,” Martin muttered after he couldn’t find anything out of place. “Guess it really is something down in the Art…”

The door behind them slammed shut, making the small space seem even smaller.

“Well, this on the other hand, certainly isn’t fine.” Gerry commented, making Martin snort against his better judgement.

He could feel Gerry shift around next to him and then heard him rattle at the door.

“It’s locked.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I don’t know, definitely doesn’t open.”

Martin also pushed against the door, but just as Gerry had said. It didn’t budge.

“Guess we’re stuck then.”

Gerry snorted. “Apparently. At least it’s only the two of us and no shadow monster in sight.” he said, leaning back against the door, seemingly trying to find a comfortable position.

Martin smiled weakly, while he tried to move around, also looking for a remotely comfortable position, who knew how long they were stuck.

“Suppose we’ll just have to wait until the others find us.”, he said after more or less leaning against the wall.

Gerry hummed in agreement.

“Yeah we could just wait, or we could...talk.”

“Talk?” Martin questioned.

“Mhhh, talk, like about why you’re avoiding me, for example.”

“I’m not avoiding you,” Martin said defensively. Gerry only raised an eyebrow and gave him a disbelieving look.

“Fine.” Martin relented with a sigh when Gerry kept on staring at him. “I’m avoiding you.”

“Oh, I know that you’re avoiding me.” Gerry chuckled softly. “But that doesn’t answer why.” He paused. “Listen, it’s okay if you don’t want to be around me, but I’d rather know, then have you run away from me, alright?”

“I...It’s not that I don’t want to be around you.” Martin said with another sigh, rubbing over his face. ”It’s just…”

“Is it because of your crush on Jon?”

“Wha…? How do you know about that?” Martin could feel his cheeks burn and just hoped that it wasn’t too visible in the dim light.

Gerry looked at him and then started laughing, but it wasn’t mean or anything and just resulted in Martin’s heart doing funny things inside of his chest.

“You’re not exactly subtle. I’m pretty sure everyone knows...okay, everyone except Jon. He probably just thinks you’re nice.”

“Jon thinks I’m nice?”

“You constantly bring him tea and biscuits, and you care for him, what else is he supposed to think? You’re literally one of the nicest people I know Martin. Even though….Now that I think about it, you’ve been avoiding him too, so this clearly is about him.”

Martin buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“Listen, if you’re here to tell me off or something, just do it.”, he muttered.

“Tell you off? Why would I tell you off?” Gerry sounded truly confused, and Martin slowly lowered his hands.

“Because I have a crush? On your boyfriend?”

Gerry stared at him. Martin stared at Gerry until Gerry’s snicker interrupted the silence that had settled between them.

“Stop laughing! I’m serious.” Martin complained, kicking lightly against Gerry’s shin to shut him up.

“Sorry, sorry, it’s just…” Gerry started laughing again. “This is ridiculous.”

“Excuse you?!”

“Okay, shit that came out wrong, sorry. What I mean is that it’s pretty hilarious how blind people can be when it comes to themselves."

“And you’re trying to tell me what exactly?” Martin asked.

Gerry gave him a lopsided grin.

“Jon likes you too.”

Martin blinked, then he opened his mouth only to close it again, before pinching himself. It hurt, so not a dream.

“I...Jon...but aren’t you dating?”

Gerry shrugged, pushing himself from his position against the door so he could turn to face Martin, knocking a few supplies over in the process of doing so.

“Yeah, we are.”

“Why...how are you so chill about this?”

Gerry gave him a wry smile in return.

“I like you too, I guess,” he shrugged again. “heteronormative relationships were never my jam, so maybe that’s why. I know you like Jon and not me, but if you’re willing, I’m sure we can work something out. I honestly just want to see both of you happy.”

Gerry was rambling, and Martin could only gape. His heart ached for this beautiful man, who had decided that he was okay to put his own wishes last if it meant that the people he loves were happy.

“...and I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable or anything. I swear this sounded better in my head, but…”

“Gerry.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.”

Gerry’s mouth closed with an audible click. He looked nervous, and now it was Martin’s turn to smile.

“You know, you call me and Jon blind when it comes to ourselves, but I don’t think we’re the only ones. Jon is not the only person I have a crush on, Gerry.” he said softly and watched how Gerry nervous face turned from nervous to confusion, to surprise and then into a wide grin after the realisation hit him.

Then Gerry squinted his eyes at him. “It’s Tim, isn’t it?” he asked, but Gerry’s shit-eating grin and the twinkling in his eyes told Martin that he wasn’t serious.

“Obviously.”, he replied dryly. They looked at each other and started laughing. Gerry leaned forward, to place his forehead against Martin’s shoulder, snickering. Martin wrapped his arms around him, cheeks hurting from smiling so much.

“God, we’re all so blind.” Gerry mumbled against Martin’s sweater, his arms wrapping around Martin’s middle.

“Yeah.” Martin agreed with a snort and as if on command, the light of Gerry’s torch flickered out, leaving them in pitch black darkness.

“....I didn’t mean literally.” Gerry muttered and pulled back, and Martin couldn’t stop snickering.

“I think I got spare batteries, wait.”

Martin could feel Gerry shifting and moving around.

“Careful.”

“Yeah, surahhh…. FUCK.”

Martin could feel Gerry tripping and tried to grab him, but the supplies that had fallen earlier made him topple over too, and they both crashed.

Martin hit his head against the door, and Gerry somehow landed half on top of him, knee ramming into his thigh while their lips smacked against each other, their teeth clacking together painfully.

Martin groaned that had hurt.

“Shit, sorry,” Gerry muttered, trying to get up before he just gave up and simply straddled Martin’s legs instead. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I think,” he answered, rubbing his head. “That was a pretty shitty first kiss though, dunno why movies think this works.”, he added lightly, sitting up, only to bump his head against Gerry’s in the process. “Did you at least find the batteries.”

“Yeah, and I’m very willing to make it up to you as soon as I put them in.”

Martin could hear something getting unscrewed, and a few clacking sounds. It didn’t take long until the torch flickered back on, illuminating the closet once more.

“So, Mr. Blackwood, will you let me prove that I’m capable of more than smashing our heads together and probably giving you a few bruises in the process?”

Gerry looked at him with open eyes and an adorably, impish smile. Martin still couldn’t quite believe it, so he just nodded, unable to trust his own voice.

Gerry leant forward again, slowly to give Martin all the time he wanted should he decide that he wanted to pull back.

Martin didn’t and leant forward instead, meeting Gerry halfway. When Gerry’s lips brushed over his, it was barely a touch, soft and sweet and Martin wanted more, chasing after them when Gerry pulled back, to tug him into another kiss.

He vaguely registered that the torch clinked against the ground next to them, to busy burying his hands in Gerry’s hair to pull him even closer and Gerry followed, nipping at his lips, with a playful bite.

Movement could be heard in front of the closet, and they broke apart just in time to look up at Jon, who looked back down at them with raised eyebrows.

“What’s going on in here?” he asked, and Martin could feel a blush creeping up, on his cheeks.

“I got us a boyfriend, that’s what’s going on,” Gerry replied cheerfully, scrambling up on his feet, before holding out a hand for Martin, to help him up.

“Unless you don’t want too?”

Two searching gazes were directed at him, and Martin shook his head.

“No, I mean, yes? I mean, I’d love too.”

Gerry seemed relieved, a tension that Martin hadn’t noticed before left his body and on Jon’s lips formed a smile.

“You need to fill me in on what exactly happened in there. I think I’m missing a few pieces."

Gerry and Martin looked at each other and then at Jon.

“Yeah, let’s talk. Guess we should do that anyway.” Martin said, and the two of them followed Jon into his office.

They told Jon what had happened and in turn, Jon also told them a few things. Like that the Dark didn’t have anything to do with the entire situation. The lightbulb simply had burned out, and the door hadn’t opened because of a book stack that had toppled over, slamming the door shut and in the process lodging themselves so that it was impossible to open the door from the inside without violence.

Hearing it all like that Martin felt a bit like he had ended up in a ridiculous cheesy romcom, but he also certainly couldn’t complain.

He also learned that day that kissing Jon while Gerry was nipping at his neck was a special form of bliss, that he couldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. And that being sandwiched between those two men was exactly where he wanted to be.

#nat writes #gerrymartin #aka the story where I added as many cheesy tropes as possible :'D #tma #jongerrymartin #martin blackwood #gerard keay #jonathan sims #jgm #this also means that I filled all prompts but the one I'm currently working on :000 #which means prompts are open again if anyone wants to request smth!

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five-wow · 5 years ago

Note

Feel free to talk a lot about your theory of how McDanno was always stronger when there was heteronormativity nearby so that it was safe, and how that plays into the finale!

Ooh, thank you! That is an interesting question, and not one I had related directly to the finale before, though it certainly works on all kinds of levels, so I will take that “talk a lot” very literally and just ramble a bit.

Honestly, the most obvious way I think this comes into play is outside of the story, where the entire two-part finale (I’m including 10.21 here, since they were originally going to be aired as one) was about Steve and Danny and how important they are to each other and how Steve would probably have found a way to literally turn the entire island upside down and water torture gravity into dropping Danny into his arms if Danny’s disappearance had gone on for long enough, and then Catherine showed up in the last five minutes after having been mentioned like, twice, briefly, in the very last episode of this 22-episode season. The messaging felt very much as if “Steve loves Danny!” was being shouted at us on a loop and then there was a single “but he’s a HETEROSEXUAL man who is NOT GAY because he is HETEROSEXUAL” tacked onto the end in the form of a character showing up in a way that really made no sense for anyone, least of all her, which conveniently helped viewers dispell any thoughts about Steve maybe, y’know, wanting to be with Danny in more than one way. Catherine was not there for herself - she was there for Steve’s happy end, which needed to include a hetero love interest, because that is what a happy end is, right? The way they made her return, she was less of a character making a decision and more of a prop thrown at Steve’s character that was supposed to make us think “ah yes, now he can be happy again!” even though it went very much counter against what the entire season had been making us think a happy end for him would look like.

(Sidenote, this is also (part of) why it makes me very sad to see Catherine hate show up in people’s responses to the finale - I get that emotions run high and it’s easy to blame her for things, but she really, really, really isn’t at fault. As much as this ending wasn’t fair to Steve or Danny, imo it was also extremely unfair to Catherine. (Also, I don’t expect many people who ship Steve/Cath to end up reading this, but if anyone does, I just want to add that that’s super valid and if you did like the ending because your ship was given a very obvious and maybe unexpected chance, I get that and I’m happy for you! I personally don’t think it was a good move for any of the characters with the way it was executed, but I also deeply empathize with rooting for your ship and taking what you get, my gosh.))

(ANOTHER sidenote, I want to clarify that I don’t think the entire reason for the writers making Cath show up is that there was too much emotion between Steve and Danny in 10.21 and 10.22. It was an ending that didn’t rely on the logic of the story, but on viewers’ learned bias saying that any man + any woman = happy, romantic end. There’s obviously a lot more there, but it also happens to playvery nicely into the formula of Steve and Danny getting A Moment (or even Moments, plural) and then being shielded from the shadows of gay doubts by throwing in something sufficiently straight-looking.)

In story, though? In story this would also be a Whole Thing that fits depressingly well. I do think it’s fair to note that Steve didn’t really seem to have any part in his decision to fly off with Catherine - she showed up, orchestrated by other parties, and then he took her hand, but he didn’t ask her to come. That’s something, I guess! At the same time, he did kind of… make the choice to very literally run away from where Danny is after this whole Emotional Journey they (and Steve especially) went on. Steve’s been feeling off, like this comfortable spot he carved for himself on the islands wasn’t fitting anymore, and Danny was very obviously very worried and was immediately designated the unofficial spokesperson for the whole thing, because duh, everyone knows how ridiculously close they are. Then Danny got kidnapped (somewhat because of how much Steve cares for him, even though deeper down it’s mostly Doris’s fault, but obviously Steve would take on that guilt because it was just lying around - free real estate!) and Steve lost his mind and held Danny’s hand and Danny didn’t respond negatively to that at all, and they had some lovely moments. Then Steve decides he still needs to get away and up and leaves, so very literally leaving Danny behind. Then Cath shows up, unexpectedly, and lo and behold, Steve’s (former) Great Romance! The one that got away, as he just told Cole (so the audience would feel like this wasn’t out of the blue)! The woman he wanted to marry at some point and that he hasn’t seen in a year and a half (to the best of our knowledge) and the absolute perfect convincingly straight antidote to Steve’s emotional turmoil related to his male BFF/partner/dude he’s kinda married to and keeps telling how much he loves him. Once on the plane, Danny is not even there anymore and with the exception of Catherine herself there’s literally no one Steve knows present who could be judging him, but being a little ambiguously romantic with Cath might settle some of his own internal fears about where things with Danny were (once again) headed, so he takes Cath’s hand. It’s easy, safe, straight. All very comforting things.

And I just. The HAND HOLDING is my favorite part of the finale, honestly, because it’s so blatant. Steve holds Danny’s hand at Danny’s bedside, teary and praying to a literal God to make sure Danny is okay, and then Danny makes light of it by asking why Steve let go. Are they fighting now, Danny asks? That implies holding hands is the normal state for them and not holding hands is Bad, even though two grown men holding hands is a very loaded thing in much of western culture and we’ve never seen them do it before because they’re very touchy with each other but in very specific ways, bound to very specific rules, and random hand holding is distinctly not okay under those strict social guidelines. And then. AND THEN. We close the episode with Steve offering Catherine his hand and Catherine taking it and Steve turning to look out the window and smiling vaguely, and the parallel kind of smacks you in the face and I find it both very funny and very sad and wonder if the writers even realized it at all, or whether maybe it was entirely intentional and meant as a nice nod to McDanno shippers because we were never going to get canon McDanno but at least this way we had, I guess, Steve’s implied hetero endgame romance play out in a way that also pretty literally happened with Danny earlier in the same episode, meaning that they’re at least sort of put on an equal footing? (Best way to interpret this: Steve is bi. It’s canon now.)

ANYWAY. Yes. I feel like this maybe veered off-topic, but I suppose the point is that Steve was allowed to hold Danny’s hand, but we had to be reassured he’d also want to hold Catherine’s, and Steve got to tell Danny he loves him and tear the island apart to get to him and ask God to take him instead of Danny and talk with Danny about how they both dream of a future in which they’re still side by side as old men while also currently living with Danny and both being single, but he had to then leave with Catherine so we would know that two single guys who live together and exchange I love yous while planning to grow old together aren’t actually [lowers voice to a hushed whisper] gay.

HOO! What a relief. I was really worried there for a second, guys.

(Also consider: all of that happens with Danny and it’s just guys being guys, just buddies being homies, just straight dudes being hetero, and then Steve takes Cath’s hand and maybe smiles a little and we’re supposed to infer it’s an epic romance. It’s fascinating to me how little straight you need to sprinkle in to completely even out the scales for most viewers, or even make them lean way in favor of “obviously he’s straight, why would you even think anything else, lol”.)

#anon #ask #mcdanno #finale #10.22 #10.21 #meta #*#i feel a need to add i really didn't dislike the finale as a whole and most of it was very cool #i just have some very wordy thoughts #(hashtag catherine rollins deserved better 2k20)

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