#am tired but i'll be around for a bit
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Actually, the bars aren't so bad anymore.
Think you can fix him? Read about his care instructions over at Tiger Tiger)
#Tiger Tiger#ludovica bonnaire#rakkatak ann#I thought I liked him (in a way he has a great design and is an effective antagonist) and *then* he licked the spit.#Now I need to create a lab to study him in. My god. He gives me hives. I need to see more of him NOW.#Something is wrong with him and it fascinates me.#He is everything I like in an antagonist. A little bit stupid and unintentionally funny while being a genuine threat.#I call him rat man they way I want to see him skitter around on the floor.#Call him rat man the way he might need a little cheerio snack and some enrichment.#I am so...so tired and I am struggling to keep the jokes train going.#Please continue to read Tiger Tiger! Every new reader fuels my energy gauge.#Sorry I've been missing so many days of posting. I'll try to make up with some extra posts this week!
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Snippet Sunday VIII
I think it's the eighth Sunday...? Maybe maybe! Here's some prophet story I wrote freshly for you (yes, you!)
A hand raised to his chest, trying to find the mutilation that had forced his ribs to poke out like ageing farmhouse fencing. His skin was sealed, unblemished under his fingers; sticky from his blood, but otherwise untouched. An identical inspection around his throat found the same. No hole for pathetic, fleshy pleas to wheeze through. All fixed. All perfect.
“You saved me,” he finally whispered, eyes wide and awed. “You – you didn’t have to, but you…?”
The Blight – previously quiet, considerate, letting him get to terms with the gift of his life – curled in his head, content. You’ve done me well, it said simply. I don’t want to lose you yet.
He probed carefully at his skull, hair sliding between his fingers. He could see where shards of his skull had been ejected, pick them up and inspect them, but he found no hollows in his head, no blemishes. “Thank you,” he said softly. “I… thank you.”
Your brother is almost here.
Cain blinked, the brief memory of something – a squirrel? – flashing through his mind, before he shook it away, focused. “We should go, then,” he said, starting to stand. The ground glimmered. His surroundings groaned and sobbed, the forgotten guards whimpering and wheezing, the fury surrendering them to shock and agony. “To Body?”
It hesitated. As he started to walk past a pair of guards, one pinned down by the other, bloodied and bruised, it drew his attention down to the ground, to a discarded knife next to the freed, fighting pair. See if you can slow him down, it suggested idly.
#snippet sunday#writerblr#writing#am writing#my writing#original writing#spilled ink#prophet story#this is really a direct follow-on from last week#same chapter and all that#pov: your quasi god wants you to fight your brother but you love him too much to do that#so you're just gonna knife the tire of the van he's riding around in instead#(good plan!)#I get to write the temple bit soon. I am very excited for the temple bit soon#also fun fact! We now have an? Almost complete stretch of events!!!#pre-sea to sky!!! That's uh#9 chapters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#wowowowowowoowww!!!#now that sky has been destroyed we get to get to the Personal gods wahoo#first up will be body and it will be fun#but who knows when I'll actually write it oops#this week could have writing time but I also have an essay to write about raptor conservation in the UK so we'll have to see#have a good week :)
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For the au ask game!
OKAY I wanted specifically to get to the pokemon au from the ask you sent, it's been cooking a bit so it's time to see what comes out of the oven, so... @azol-otl ty for the ask!
Crossover au's are all about the fused worldbuilding for me and speculating on how characters from universe A would fit into universe B heehee hoohoo - and for Batfam especially it's fun to think about the equivalent of their roles as vigilantes! What kind of people have the same level of celebrity, the same sideways seeking of justice?
Naturally this leads you to the gym leaders because a) it's the most fun and b) they are like. Quasi-law enforcement/educators/professional athletes depending on how you try to translate the innate child's perspective on the pokemon universe into something that makes sense as an adult lol ilu pokemon. [insert 'compels me though' gif here]
SO with this in mind, here's 5 fun facts (that are mostly backstory lmao) from a jaytim pokemon au I would write
I'm deeply ill about pokemon so this one goes under the cut lol:
Jason Todd used to be the Champion. He won the role after Dick Grayson quit a year or two before (Dick had been getting older and chafing under the League rules - meaning he'd been chafing under how Bruce ran the League) and was a fierce competitor who didn't believe in going easy on anyone. His Houndoom was a force to be reckoned with, and despite running a mostly Dark-type team, his Honchkrow cleaned up anyone thinking their Fighting-types could sweep. He looked after the League and Gotham with a cocky, self-assured attitude and the win record to back it up. .
Jason disappeared suddenly at the age of 15. Many assumed him dead, after a Rocket (Or whatever Gotham themed gang name we want to go with lol could be Team Joker) bombing in the area he'd last been seen, but he's officially declared missing. Bruce Wayne took back the duties of interim Champion as he once did for Dick Grayson, but he's not quite the mentor he once was. It's obvious he's grieving, and that he doesn't want to mentor any more twelve year olds. Dick signed up to be a Gym Leader shortly after this, returning from his trip about a year early to help out in the chaos following Jason's disappearance. .
Enter Tim Drake. Tim's gym challenge wasn't all that interesting in the circuit at first; he had a rocky start and had to retake a few gym challenges. He wasn't exactly sweeping on his first try every time like Jason had done. He didn't have the meteoric rise that caught the Champion's attention early, didn't get one-on-one mentorship or face-to-face meetings, cautionary advice and congratulations all rolled into one from Bruce Wayne himself - but Tim had patience and grit, and he paid attention. He was gunning for the Championship, and it wasn't just so he could prove himself. Team Rocket/Joker was still out there, and Bruce needed all the help he could get. He was always better for Gotham when he had a Robin. .
Dick had been nicknamed Robin for his all-Flying-type team and especially his Natu-then-Xatu; Jason followed up with his Murkrow-then-Honchkrow; Tim's Rookidee was one among many (Robin-esque pokemon were popularized by Dick and the trend remains through Tim's day) so he wasn't considered a possible Robin successor until it was a Corvisquire and he was about to face Dick Grayson himself, a badge away from Victory Road. By then, Tim and his team were a well-oiled machine (he runs mostly Steel-types lol but also Normal-types for the unexpected adaptability and the 'underestimate my rattata i dare you it's in the top peRCENTAGE--' of it all. FEAR.), and his loss-record had all but frozen while his win-record ticked higher and higher. .
Shit finally goes down about three years after Tim has become Champion and all but bullied Bruce into mentoring him (he basically said 'if you don't watch me, i'll go find Team Rocket/Joker on my own' and triggers all of Bruce's child endangerment traumas simultaneously) and the mysterious Rocket/Joker leader Red Hood shows up, bringing the gang out of the shadows in pursuit of a hidden agenda. Identity shenanigans and "wait is that a Houndoom? But he's only been using Ghost-types, it CAN'T be..." and heel-face turns abound. .
(BONUS FACT: Something something, Jason went into deep cover with Looker or whoever he is, that Interpol guy from X & Y (WAIT. LOOKER MIGHT ACTUALLY BE TALIA AL GHUL IN THIS AU HOHOHO), infiltrating the Rocket/Joker gang and going public as Red Hood is the first step in the last phase of the sting. Cue a million tense Jaytim interactions in which Tim is legitimately trying to take Red Hood down and Jason desperately tries to shake him so that he doesn't do anything that forces Jason to blow his cover. There is at least one 'tugged into a tight space to hide them both from the actual bad guys, "wait, did you just HELP me...?" "Think whatever you want, babybird"' interaction because I am a slut for the first sprinkles of a redemption arc that is rife with UST fufufu)
#did i make this pokemon au actually an undercover spy action movie? yes. yes i did#also their full team comp i will leave to the imagination haha#everyone has their preferences for what's appropriate so i'll name a general typing preference and leave it there mostly#but I will defend Dick 'the Flying' Grayson(s) forever. all flying types for him change my mind#I like the idea of city-boy through and through street kid Jason having a stereotypical inner city team at first#but his team changes and expands as his pokemon journey really kicks off#i always think of that one short from the start of Pokemon 2000 with the inner city tire castle that pikachu finds#and the houndour that FUCKS IT UP LOL#so to me houndour is like. okay it's one of my favorite pokemon (COULD YOU TELL *glances at my banner) but it's a def an urban pokemon to m#so i like the idea of scrappy street kid Jason finding a houndour 🥺 and that was his first pokemon 🥺#so he kinda falls into dark-types in part because of the stigma around them being difficult to raise and him calling BS#and then of course he switches to ghost-types after he 'dies' in part to separate his identity as Red Hood from Jason Todd#but also for the joke of it all lmao look the dead boy uses ghost pokemon. who also have a stigma for being creepy/unlovable. i cry forever#Tim's team i am the most *shrug* about but i do think he has either a competitive team or a meme team lol#but for him i do like the aesthetics of steel- electric- normal- because Tim is the robin with secretly unhinged normal boy swag#he's out here doing the math and making you underestimate him look at his big tanky aggron lol so slow and then BAM#pikachu with light orb and x6 agility x6 double team u can't touch that rat electro ball to the face#Does his wigglytuff know thunderpunch? ice punch? fire punch? good luck guessing he switches its move set after every battle mfer#OKAY ANYWAY#ty azol for the ask!! i love pokemon i have many brainworms owo#edit: had to fix the formatting a bit to make this READABLE. God help me if it sucks to look at RIP#jaytim#not fic#my writing#ask game#asked and answered#pokemon#dc
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#vent#my art#this also happened (again)#pmatga ocs#peony#i am. so freaking tired#like i'll be fine. its just im mentally and physically exhausted.#i really want to take a break from the internet as a whole and go off the grid for a bit. but I cannot.#my lifestyle is built around being online (Like all my friends are online) so i cant just. get up and take a break.#or at least it feels like I cant.#herrmmmm idk man this feeling is weird. i wanna grow out of it
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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lost vocation: fish
#just me hi#i am fresh from the shower helloooo world hfbsh#wanna go swimming again before it gets real cold.. i love you lake lol :)#reed doesn't like lakes and i kiinda get it; the depths and the unseen yeya#but there is also something comforting about being in something very large and very heavy. it's all the right pressure n i like it :>#pools are Not the same and simply cannot match up </3 also they're so hard to breath around so Lol#hot tubs have it out for me i dunno what i did but they are displeased about it#Okay i just remembered the heavy chlorine smell usually comes from a lot of urine in the pool so that's uh. hm#also i have nearly drowned in more pools than lakes so that too hghfshvk#for most of my life i was shorter than i am now. and pools give you that false sense of security like 'oh sure i can touch the bottom i'm#good :D' and then that's when it GETS ya. bfhsv#lakes are not lying to you though they Will get ya. but they're nice about it <3#the only thing i really have a problem with in lakes aside from the obvious drowning risk is. The Creatures#fish have nibbled me more than i am happy with lmao :(#like if i had a nickel for every time it happened i would have more than 1 but i'm not really sure how many hfbvsh#the first time it happened was AWFUL it felt like someone Scratching their fingernails on me and HOUUUU#first time that happened i genuinely thought there was some funkin Thing gonna get me in the waters lmfsvhf <3#i do like the dragonflies though even if they make my skin kinda itchy when they land :D they like to chill and i just float around instead#of doing anything so we're good friends lol :3#//anywho i'm kinda tired; been sorta fixing my sleep schedule but i got like Turbo Anxiety for a couple days a lil while ago and it messed#that up a bit but i'm getting it back on track hgfhs >:3#mysterious turbo anxiety comes in the middle of the night and whacks at unsuspecting victims.. honestly quite rude i think we can all agree#//okay wells i gotta go rn :) maybe i'll do somethin.. who knows!#poking myself with a stick ; we'll get something from this eventually hfshfv#toodles toodles !!
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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Good mornooning my beloveds, I'm not scared of clowns myself but I've been doing some digging into this post that folk are seeing and it baffles me that a site that claims to cater to people's triggers and needs simultaneously allows such content to be posted without trigger tags. I also saw a separate photo of the same clown with the literal caption of "we hope you're not scared of clowns" so idk WTF is going on today. Clearly someone has made a boo-boo.
#𝙷𝙾𝙻𝙳 𝙾𝙽 - 𝙿𝙾𝙿𝚂 𝙸𝚂 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷𝚃. (OOC)#do people ever not get tired of this platform? stay tuned to find out#but YES I'll be around and am now going to set up camp in the inbox for a bit#just a forewarning that some USFW content is incoming but ofc it'll be tagged and under a cut xoxo#have a wonderful day all of u
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okay, trying a thing
i've started two new sideblogs:
@thefourthtale, a mental illness/vent/general negativity blog. anyone can follow, but check the description for potential triggers
a private blog, for posting stuff that steers a lil too close to doxxing territory on my main blog (face reveal, location stuff, work stuff, etc). mutuals are welcome to ask for the url, and i guarantee if we've interacted, like, at all (even if you just show up in my notes a lot) i'll be happy to give it to you. seriously. don't be shy.
why am i doing this? well, tbh, bc i've gained a decent amt of followers (over 1600 now!) over the years and while i know and love and trust many of you, it's not all of you. also, there is still a bit of fear abt ppl from my IRL life finding this blog and seeing things i Do Not Want Them To See lol. i may end up tweaking the distribution of ~content (gross) as i go but for now this seems like the easiest way to do it
so there you go! while i'm talking abt sideblogs, there's also my twenty one pilots blog @silverlininghills and my brand spanking new disco elysium blog that doesn't even have any posts yet whoops @polychromeghost. feel free to follow those for even more Targeted Content (pukes)
#this has been an original post#personal spewage#blogkeeping#srsly guys#do not feel nervous abt asking for the url#if you've changed urls recently you may need to remind me who you are lol#but i promise i don't mind you asking#i want you to ask! i want to share more of my life with y'all!#i just want a bit more control over who gets to see it#i love tumblr's new thing where you can turn off reblogs#so nice#i wish you could set blogs to private like on IG so you have to approve followers#would be lovely#one day maybe#anyway#eventually i'll get around to making a pinned post listing all my sideblogs#but today is not that day for i am le tired
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getting thru everyday and being able to socially interact w people well enough to look like i'm choosing all the right dialogue options rly lulls me into believing i'm doing just fine and dandy n nothing is wrong
#like ya i'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day#and move around a bit#but honestly that's my fucking limit each day#feel like a beached whale#and my body is so??? out of fuel that i cannot even muster up the energy to cry#i force myself to to go class bcs i'll spiral if i don't#and i am so. FATIGUED. out of it. tired. drained.#i want someone to take care of me bro my nerves are gonna get so frayed by the time this degree is done putting me thru the wringer
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finally writing out the official verse info for dany's bookshop au and i am 😭😭😭😭. can dany have one verse where her life isn't just . . . filled with terror? 😭
#;; okay she does and it's her *targs survive* aus where she's surrounded by her family 🥺#;; i am not tired at all so i think i'll actually be around a bit tonight#;; i'm wired for . . . the same reasons many of us may be wired tonight#♕░░ queen of the summer isles ( LUXX SPEAKING )#;; tbd.
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is it autism or is it a symptom of previous longterm social isolation and lack of agency ?
#i think. im not good at being a person.#ive finally gotten some alone time and i am reflecting. and well.#i dont think you can make me socially aware ^-^ i dont think i'll ever get good at it.#i donknow why ^-^👍 and i dont think it matters 👍#i think hes getting tired of me alreadyyyy......#and i think. lots of other ppl . dont see me wout him already also.#ive managed this already... impressive ^-^#but the japanese international girls like me so !!! it doesnt matter !!! i have. two nice friends. and 1 intimidating friend.#i will not get bullied or made fun of or be in ungetoutable bad situations bc of. mafia friend.#and then i will recharge and be silly around. nice friends.#i think the fact that im actively thinking about this. doesnt do anything for my case.#i think. im getting masking lessons. when i hang out w him. if it really is the autism. and im failing a little bit.#he thinks ive got anxiety. 💭💭 psych major ass. sorry. my roommates also psych major. why are they. talkers.#theyre scawy.#they both got adhd too. whats with that#anyway.#i want to get a haircut.#and hes like. well. hes literally 4 real a model. and his mom was a model. and all his friends were. guess what. models.#so. scary. so i will go to a shitty salon w a nice normal level of social skill friend and then not say anything i think.#i love yapping on here this is awesome. i can just say anytging.#non u know me in real life#how did i end up making friends w the most 'popular guy' guy in the world this is so stressful.#everyone likes him. there are ppl who only talk to me to get an idea of where he might be at. what happened.#howd i go from friendless loser to. loser but in a completely different friend environment. friends w guy who is too good at making friends#but chooses to hang out w me ? does he choose to do that. is it all coincidence?#how did i get here. it really doesnt feel real#i want. to . explode.#yknow i never even really talked to boys before this also. wtf. wtf..#i have only been saying nice things so far i think but i think its important to know that he. scares me. hes so from bc.#i have always been scared of island ppl theyre. all so mad always. and guess what he is too. and yet here i am.
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Today's note: i went out from morning till evening (6 pm ish) and I AM TIREDDDD, i just now finished cleaning stuff (taking a bath, some simple skin care, etc), so i am now ready to eep 😻 it's not like i accidentally fell asleep when doing all that cleaning because my energy was so drained haha- yeah, definitely not-
#reli-rambles#i went to a festival (?) with my friends!!#and man#i am not a fan of those stuff#as you all know my social battery or energy is low#but there was ummm concert? or what do u call it??? performances??? yeah those stuff and i really enjoyed them actually 😵💫#i jumped and hyped around with my friends and it was so fun hsnsjsksks#IS IT... IS IT BECAUSE OF MY FRIENDS???#they're all quite lively but back then i had a friend was has low energy like me and we just kinda stay low...#but i guess i'm actually not that low on energy huh#hdnsksksk#it was so fun#i actually wanted to continue hyping up the performances despite my friends saying they were tired LMAO#but no i ended up following them because honestly i'm not the most sociable person ever in a crowd#i was also a bit tired anywayyy#overall tho today was fun!#i'll continue studying for midterms and stuff tomorrow so the festival today really freshen me up :D#but yeah still... so tired.... lol
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Actually I am going to go to bed early to wake up early so I can do the rest of the presentation prep with a more rested mind. I already have the bulk of it done anyways, I just need to smooth things put.
I am just so, so tired...
#speculation nation#i was actively working on it for like... well 7.5 hours straight. but also probably like a cumulative hour ish during my earlier class#i also of course had class too. which was also work. so Really ive been doing school stuff for. hm. nearly 10 hours today??#which is ROUGH. i am so so tired. i have a headache. im eating now. gonna go to bed right after.#gonna wake up with a fresher mind. finalize the presentation. give the presentation.#probably chill between that and my next class bc Lol.#then theres class... then i go home... arrive back around 3 ish...#probably rest a bit more... maybe take a nap depending on how tired i am...#and then it'll be exam time. which may take up the rest of my evening. i dont know.#i'll only Really get to rest come friday. and Boy will i be resting.#come saturday and sunday i'll need to get to work on my essay exam. but at the very least. i'll give myself One true day off.#i really really need it 😭😭😭😭
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back again ! ywehaw cowbaby :3
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#the last... 5 days including today... i have been going outside... i am so Tired !#it's all for valid reasons bcs we need to prep for college and also getting braces but. fucking hell man.#in the past week or so despite having been outside. i have also racked 20+ hours of dai.#it's Insane. ok. i love dragon age so fucking much man.#apparently dao works alr on the gaming laptop so i don't have to Get it to work like i did on the other laptop <3 and i've decided i will g#w rogue like i did when i was 13-ish and tried the game for the first time on the goddamn xbox 360#and human noble! to which when i got the game on steam a while back (2 years ago? 3?) when i played again i did warrior bcs i forgot i did#rogue the first time :P bcs i'm tryna do again what i did then but now it's more complicated.....#at the very least ik. not who i'll be romancing LMFAO i lovw morigan but she wld probably hate me and esp i am a girl 💔💔💔#she should also be for the women this is unfair. anyway. it's between alistair zevran leliana#bcs the first time around yeahhh alistair <3 i also still adore him but i was cemented on romancing zevran now bcs i didn't know he existed#back then since i only finished the redcliffe (?) castle bit iirc and then the circle bug hit me :(#leliana i didn't think much of back then too but 1. generally Growing Up also in taste yk 2. going thru dai. wow!)#anyway. i can talk abt da sm i adore this series (i also love criticising it LOL but shhh for now) <333
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mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset
#oohoohoo the self destructive ''well maybe I'll just push myself bc im going to be tired either way'' sure was a bad choice!#''lol who cares anymore im sick of being fatigued and im probably just making it up'' you are a fucking idiot god bless your soul#and yet.... the urge to Make It Worse is still so strong.... gee i sure do love p.mdd!#honest to god im so fucking frustrated w this brain lately#been trying to hide any sharps away from myself because I've just been so wildly careening into self destructive tendencies#and im sick of trying to like. control myself. i am my own keeper and im fucking sick of it gjfkdl#im trying so fucking hard to hold it together and keep myself on the right path but im really just incredibly tired#it feels like im trying to wrestle a knife out of a toddler's hand#and then the toddler cries and tantrums bc they wanted the knife#and i have nothing to give them to distract them. except im also the toddler.#idk how long i can keep this up for bc im ALSO managing other ppls emotions and baggage and shit at the centre#and over text. mainly that one person who i wish would just fucking leave me alone#but her grandma is literally on her deathbed so I can't rly try learning how to be firm rn#bc if i try to be firm i worry i will end up being a dick and i dont want to do that while she's struggling w pre-emptive grief#i don't know !!! im just so goddamn exhausted and struggling#and the world seems very cruel and terrifying and im honestly convinced im never going to find a way to exist peacefully in it#like im always going to be scared and struggle to trust ppl and struggle to socialize and feel safe anywhere#im going to be so honest. i wish i had One friend irl fhfkdl like. i think that would help a lot of my issues#to have someone i care about and respect and who actually cares about AND respects me back#and who i could just. be around. exist in the same vicinity. and not feel so scared and unsafe#a bit of a break from those constant feelings while not being isolated#who i could do activities with ???#thats actually so hard for me to imagine ever having ffhdjlsl its been so many years since I've had any semblance of that#it doesn't feel like im ever going to have that again :') it feels so impossible. pipe dream. unrealistic and unattainable#okay i need to shut up fhdksl sorry for being so insane on here every day jfc#one of these days i hope i will be genuinely stable for like... longer than a day fhfkdl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#self harm mention
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