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shsl-heck · 1 year ago

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One thing that's had me thinking about Amy lately, is the tension between disgust and desire. She is horrified by the immensity of her desire for Victoria, but the shame and guilt over it can only ever make it worse. Fear and arousal, disgust and desire, all of them bleed into each other (we see this constantly in both porn and horror). It's like she has this splinter at the core of her being and she either cant realize or wont accept that the more and more she digs for it to try to get it out, the deeper she's driving it into herself. She cannot remove this without help from someone else. (Coincidentally, not being able to recognize that her attempts to do/be what she's supposed to are only making things worse is also what leads to the Enwretchening)

I'm aware there's a reading of Worm in which Amy's attraction to Victoria is purely an expression of a kind of morality focused ocd, but I personally think that's less interesting. She definitely experiences some level of that (the urge to fuck up a baby she's healing followed by disgust with herself is like a perfect example of an intrusive thought associated with that brand of ocd), but I think this is a case of *and* rather than *or*. My reading of Amy is that of a deeply lonely and emotionally neglected child clinging to the one person in her life that gives her any form of affection, whose attachment only gets increasingly complicated as she starts to grow up and realizes she is attracted to women.

She has never been treated as part of the family, has always felt on some level that she's only playing at being a sister to Victoria, and she is dealing with that during a stage of her life that is turbulent at best for even people raised in a healthy functional environment. There is a broad cultural taboo around sex and desire, but there's a special sort of self-loathing and fear that you're somehow predatory for finding someone attractive that a lot of queer people experience due to the stigma surrounding their sexuality and/or gender. Homoeroticism and attraction is seen as disgusting and fundamentally wrong by society no matter what. It is especially disastrous for Amy because even though she's never been able to see herself as Victoria's sister, she knows she's supposed to, and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and shame to even a passing thought about Victoria being attractive.

Then she triggers. Suddenly she not only has to pretend to be Amy Dallon the well behaved unintrusive family member, she has to be Panacea, the girl who performs miracles. She doesn't even have a secret identity to fall back on for privacy because of New Wave's gimmick. Any resentment about her role, or desire to live a normal life become more proof that she is a sick, evil person; a parasite who has wormed her way into the Good and Heroic Dallon-Pelham family and is eating away at them from the inside-out.

Even as it forces her to repress more and more of herself, Panacea also offers Amy what is seemingly her only chance to be Good like her family. Healing people isn't just something she has to do in order to avoid being a terrible person, but also how she can atone for everything else that's Bad about her. Saving people is a way to try to purge herself of the desire for Victoria, and to prove that she can be a Dallon in more than name.

Like, as awful and lesbophobic as Wildbow's handling of Amy was, there is something deeply compelling and even relatable about her to me. She perfectly captures an emotional state that I've struggled (and failed) to explain as I wrote and rewrote this post. It's the hunger, the guilt, the shame, the fear, the loneliness that settles on your skin like frost as a child when you accept that there must be something wrong with you, because if there wasn't then you wouldn't have to try so hard to be good.

#i am placing my head in a bear trap by posting about Amy like this but here it is #this post has sat in drafts for months #being periodically chipped away at and rewritten a thousand times #but i think this is as good as it's going to get for now #the real takeaway here is that I think Amy should hang out with Green Eyes from Pact #maybe even start a club for girls who are sosososo lonely and disgusted by themselves that they should eat people about it #wormblr #worm web serial #worm wildbow #amy dallon #worm spoliers

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alilbatflies · 10 months ago

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I wrote a short continuation of this amazing prompt by @thepenultimateword, which goes as follows:

“What are you doing?”

Alex jolted violently, nose still buried in the watermelon musk of Ben’s hoodie as they whirled around.

“Uhhh…”

Ben stared dryly between their open locker and Alex’s wide eyes.

Alex held the hoodie out in front of themself, face suddenly twisting in confusion. “Wait, a minute, this isn’t mine. Did I get the wrong locker?”

The scrutinized the numbers a few seconds before clapping their hand dramatically to their forehead. “Will you look at that, I’m in the wrong row! Sorry, Ben, I’ll see you later.”

Alex went to march away but was promptly caught by the collar of their shirt and yanked a couple stumbling steps backward. “You still have my jacket.”

“Oh.” Their cheeks burned with a mixture of embarrassment and displeasure. “So I do.”

They reluctantly let the soft fabric fall back into Ben’s long, scar-nicked fingers and bustled away before their coworker could ask something stupid like: “Why were you sniffing my clothes?”

They should have walked faster.

...

for sake of clarity and my sanity (seeing the word henchman so many times while editing nearly melted my brain), I named those two:

Henchman A = Alex, Henchman B = Ben

... ... ...

Avoiding someone who works for the same person as them was... Manageable.

Alex would know, for they managed to avoid Ben for all of two weeks despite their shared tasks, appointments and whatnot.

Were they caught sniffing Ben's clothes again? Not yet. At some point Alex assumed Ben knew and just rolled with it. Which was odd, since Ben never rolled with anything, spare the orders from their boss.

And yes, they could just say your scent helps my powers calm so uh... thanks but wouldn't that just be the creepier? Openly admitting it wasn't Ben they were fixated on, but their smell? How fucked up was that.

Besides. A rational, well-mannered, unimpressed Ben. Getting their quirks and unexplained tendencies. Not happening.

Alex prepared for all alternatives, avoiding serious conversation and hiding behind excuses to leave the moment work was done. See that spider on the ceiling? Gotta go. Bye. It wasn't their best but it worked despite all the confusion that it caused.

What Alex did not factor with was outside of work.

Much like seeing a teacher at a grocery store was odd, seeing Ben leaning against their apartment door hit them like a mirage. Not quite there. Not quite right. A miracle kind of pleasant surprises, except somehow out of place and chilling in its suspiciousness.

Ben nodded at them in greeting, unimpressed eyes focused with unfair intent. They meant business when they looked like that.

Alex was so screwed.

“Good evening.”

Alex's head reeled at the greeting. Deep and quiet, yet perfectly clear. Politely blank, just there.

Manners, Alex. Your fucking manners.

“Evening,” was all they managed, searching for their keys. They had to find out what Ben was doing there. “Thought you lived downtown?”

“Thought we had things to discuss the boss doesn't need to be involved in.”

Alex's blood ran cold. They swallowed. It helped nothing.

Ben tilted their head to a side. “Don't we?”

“I guess.” Alex was pretty sure their voice did something weird. They gestured inside once they managed to open the door. After you, except they didn't say it, because they would stutter for sure.

Ben slipped inside, waiting for them to pass by only to follow close behind. Maybe they didn’t know which flat Alex lived in exactly. Maybe they did but didn’t want to be obvious about it. Maybe they wanted to make sure Alex wouldn’t bolt.

Alex let them slip into their flat without comments. Their mind chanted a really not helpful chain of I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m dead.

“So.” Ben looked around curtly. They leaned against the door.

Alex considered inviting them further in. They also considered Ben’s stance and decided maybe Ben would take it as an attempt to avoid the conversation, and so they fiddle with the straps of their bag and waited.

The realisation that Ben was effectively blocking the way out really did nothing to calm them down.

“You’re avoiding me.” Ben tilted their head again, focused look studying every shift in Alex’s expression, no doubt reading them like an open book. “Is it because of the locker accident?”

Accident. Not on purpose. Alex nodded their head perhaps a little too vehemently.

Ben didn’t look like they were quite buying that. “What were you doing there?”

“Uhhh…”

One would think two weeks was a reasonably long time to think of an excuse. One would be wrong.

Alex did not have an excuse ready. There were really not that many plausible, normal-looking excuses for being addicted to someone’s scent.

Ben looked like they wanted to talk again. It startled Alex’s brain back into function. They didn’t think they could handle anything that came out of Ben’s mouth next.

“I have the same hoodie at home,” Alex blurted, “it just… smelled different.” Lies. “Different but good.” Oh gods, shut up.

Ben was staring into their eyes and somewhere behind, presumably scanning their soul and weighting how well they could hide their body from everyone and their absence from their employer.

“It uhhh… caught me off guard.”

“What about all the other times, then?”

Alex felt their soul leave their body. They know about the other times. They needed to sit down. They didn’t think they were getting such chance.

Ben let them suffer in silence. They reached into their bag, searching for something.

Alex closed their eyes, hoping that whatever it was, it would at least kill them quickly. I won’t have to clean the mess if I’m dead. It was a small reassurance.

“Here.”

Alex blinked. Their vision was not blurry and it was not tears. They blinked a few times and finally managed to focus on what Ben was holding out to them.

“Shampoo…” they managed weakly. It was two bottles… Watermelon scented shampoo and shower gel. They were smelling those clothes. Right.

“You could have just asked, you know?”

Alex laughed. It wasn’t an entirely comfortable laugh. Better than bursting into tears, they supposed.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m…” Alex realised, belatedly, that it was a really nice gesture. A solution. Ben was always good at finding solutions, but that didn’t mean they had to go out of their way and get Alex things instead of beating them up and threatening them to stop. It was a gift. Ben was being nice to them. “I’m alright.”

They were so not alright, although admittedly for a different reason than a few seconds ago.

“I’m not mad,” Ben said. “So, stop avoiding me.”

Alex nodded.

Ben looked like they wanted to add something, but then shook their head. They pushed away from the door and turned to leave, hand on the doorknob already when Alex found their voice.

“Surely you could uhhh... Stay back for dinner?”

Ben's lips quirked into the tiniest of smiles. “I have a bus to catch.”

“…maybe you don’t.” You could stay here. With me.

Ben tilted their head in confusion. “And how else would I get home, silly?”

Stay, I’ll lend you a sleeping bag. Stay, there’s a spare blanket here somewhere.

“Right.” Alex nodded, backing off. “Right.”

Ben left through the door, and Alex absolutely did not think about the fact that the way they said silly sounded all too much like silly little thing, and how they would probably fall and never get up if Ben called them their silly little thing. Nuh-uh.

Alex kept thinking about the tiny smile. And the gift. They used it. It did smell like what they were used to. They missed the smell of something indisputably Ben underneath it, that little bit of their presence that stayed behind.

Alex kept thinking about little gestures and everything Ben made. They saw Ben once during a particularly bad magic moment and they did something so unavoidably Ben (like that weird shrug of shoulders) and Alex immediately calmed down and oh.

Shit no. It might be more than just their smell after all.

Not to mention Ben was the villain’s best attack dog. Killing machine. Quite like the rest of them, except, well, much more dangerous. Alex kind of hoped Ben assumed their avoidance was based on some kind of fear of them after fucking up and ending in the wrong locker by accident instead of… whatever it was. However much they were not afraid of Ben. Maybe that was the issue from the beginning. If they were afraid like everyone else, they wouldn’t have bonded so well.

But then Ben went out of their way to fix it. As if that wasn’t the most gesture thing to happen to Alex in forever.

It was the smallest of gestures. It was the most thoughtful of gestures. Attempting to solve the situation instead of pushing in.

Strangely, ironically, it was making Alex's craving worse.

Alex refused to think of all those utterly menacing and dangerously enchanting moments of Ben that they’d witnessed over their shared time together at work. Or outside of it. They thought of them anyway. They were so utterly, profoundly doomed. It wasn’t even funny.

They managed to stay in the clear for all of eight days after that, before they found themselves picking the lock of Ben's locker again. Breaking in. Like a creep.

“Maybe they should just kill me instead of being so fucking endearing.”

Except they couldn’t find the hoodie this time. They ruffled through the bag and patted the notebooks and pens scattered over the upper shelf in the locker. Nothing. Just work stuff.

Alex had exactly two seconds to stare into nowhere and notice the steps stopping next to them.

“What are you doing?”

Alex flinched and slammed the locker closed, facing Ben on instinct. Their mouth opened and closed with no words to form—their brain was refusing to cooperate properly.

Ben was wearing their hoodie. Their hair was wet and they were holding both their bloodied uniform and towel, meaning they probably had been sent home to rest after killing someone.

Wish for death and dead you shall be. Except Ben’s expression was not murderous in particular.

Alex found themselves gravitating towards them. Before they came to themselves, they already stood close enough to Ben to touch. By the time they tried to jerk away, Ben was already holding their upper arm, keeping them steady.

“So,” Ben whispered into the silence between them, “what’s the matter?”

Alex wanted to say something. They really did. Instead, their magic tugged them forward and they buried their face in their shoulder.

Ben went still.

Alex inhaled their scent, calming and there. Their magic settled. They melted.

“Is it my hoodie?” Ben’s voice flowed quietly, almost from afar.

“…just you.”

“Sorry?”

Alex realized what slipped. They wanted to pull away. They wanted to stay close forever. They needed to leave. They needed to cling to Ben.

Their dilemma was solved by those strong fingers curling into the back of their shirt, pulling them closer.

“You might want to elaborate on that,” Ben whispered.

“I’m…” Alex was content with keeping their face hidden.

Ben was drawing circles on their back now. Oh dear. Not even their grandma could help them anymore.

“I might have a little problem, and… it’s you,” they mumbled into Ben’s shoulder eventually. “Except it’s not the appropriate sort of problem at all.”

“Well, lucky you then.”

Lucky you. And of course Alex was lucky, were they not? If it was the villain or one of their higher-ups, there would be far worse consequences, wouldn’t they?

“We might have a similar kind of problem.”

Alex felt their magic settle. Their brain stopped. Their breathing probably stopped, too.

Their heart did the exact opposite, galloping forth.

They tried to look up then, but their head was held in place and pressed back into the shoulder.

“Invite me over, hm?” Ben petted their head. “I won’t catch the evening bus.”

And Alex did.

#i took liberties #i also took forever this was sitting in my drafts for half a year or so. don't tell anyone though it's a secret #Alex (henchman A) at any given situation: uhhhhhh #i imagine they do some sort of lock-picking and trap-setting kinda work for the villain #prompt response #is it?#writing #writing snippet #writeblr #creative writing #villain x villain #minion x minion #henchman x henchman #heroes a #heroes and villains #pen i am sorry if this made a mess of your notifications somehow

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chaoszgod · 9 months ago

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literally begging people to take 5 minutes to learn about the american military industrial complex, the poor/poverty to military pipeline, and how the american military treats its soldiers before condemning every single veteran because you think "muhmuh all soldiers evil!!1!!!1!1!11".

#directed at the person who said “glad the faggot died” in reference to the first openly gay soldier #leonard matlovich was a hero in the queer community and you can condemn the military without being awful to the people forced into #matlovich was a vietnam vet which means he was likely drafted #and back then your options were serve; face jail time; or die. they werent and still arent kind to deserters #if you hate all veterans and soldiers you're doing exactly what the military & government wants you to do #they want you to hate the individuals who were exploited and traumatized instead of the military itself #so you'll blame the individuals and not the system #so many people are trapped in service and dont want to do this anymore but have to #We all saw Aaron Bushnell self immolate; it was because legally he could not refuse orders #when you join the military you become legally government property and you have no say in what you do anymore #anyways i will always be pro-veteran & anti-military #do some fucking research before being awful thanks #the bad people you hate in the military are not foot soldiers are not airmen are not naval guards are not marines #theyre the generals and commanders and the people in charge #not the majoritoraly poor & poc people who were exploited with promises of wealth and safety #and b4 anyone takes this the wrong way i am pro-palestine & dont support the american military being used to assist a genocide

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trlblzd · 8 months ago

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looks directly at the camera while i realize that my queue runs out today

#i will have to start grinding on writing again tmrw .......#(i love writing i hope the writer in me wakes up)#mobile tbt.#HELP ME!!!!!!! what am i if not a buffoon trapped in an endless abyss of inbox and drafts (i wanted this)

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rriavian · 1 year ago

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Bit behind on Corintheus week so posting some fic snippets for a few of the prompts.

This one is for 28th Favouritism ‘I am if god had a type’ and will be the next Baiting the Trap fic :) It just needs a bit more work before it's ready and I didn't want to rush it. This is still a little rough but I hope you enjoy!

@dreamlovescori thank you for putting this event together <3

The Corinthian crouched, amused, guessed that if Dream had approached him like this then there must be a reason for it.

A game.

He reached out a hand.

“What do we have here?” He crooned; index finger stroking the snakes head, down the sinuous body, back up again to savour the smooth scales. “What a pretty little creature you are.”

Dream seemed to like that—predictable at least in this, in how he’d preen under attention—butted his head against the Corinthian’s hand, then slid up his arm. A careful curling around it, over the sleeve of his jacket, the only regret that this wasn’t skin on skin. A forked tongue flicked across the skin of the Corinthian’s neck, then smooth scales slithered over the nape, a feeling that looped as Dream coiled around the Corinthian’s throat, loose like a necklace or the promise of hangman’s rope.

The weight of him felt like neither.

Heavy with the threat of making the Corinthian’s knees buckle, how this could be holding up the sky, how it was the prestige of carrying eternity made feather light. Dream’s forked tongue still tickling his skin.

His head now resting on the Corinthian’s right shoulder.

It was where he settled. Dream content to rest there it seemed, to absorb the Corinthian's body heat, to stay so close and be admired. To find a sun to soak up. Scales white like the colour of reflection, of mirrors, of a being who held everyone else’s dreams in his shine. Dream was ice glowing under a midday sun; here greedily seeking warmth, perhaps looking for heat that could sink deep, warming his own blood with what wouldn't refract away from his skin.

“Spoiled aren’t you?” The Corinthian said smugly, reaching up so he could continue petting the scales.

The response was a warning, a threat that lasted a second—

A playful squeezing pressure as the coils around his neck tightened.

#corintheus #corintheus week 2023 #pls forgive how behind I am #and how long it's been since the last Baiting the trap fic #fic progress #I have had snake Dream in drafts for like eight months

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cloyingcadaver · 6 months ago

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#╳┆ dayne speaking ┆◜ ooc ◞#fuck it. I will be adding t.gcf muses here when I inevitably switch back into rp mode #but probably by request and with plotting only. or maybe just drabbles to start.#I’m leaning towards xl and hc both of course & im currently feeling incredibly protective of them.#but mq is so tempting…#also I drafted the fucking. DMT trip coffin fic but somehow managed to make up a cultivation path to go along with it #mostly because - like everyone else - I am still trying to wrap my brain around the logistics of xl being trapped in a coffin for a century #and I’m fascinated by the theory that the brain releases DMT before death + how that coincides with -#near-death out of body experiences #plus the effects of psychedelics on the brain + spirit #especially in a sandbox where the universal flow of energy is a more tangible concept #it’s crack treated seriously #I don’t have to do angst all the time…… I do have a sense of whimsy #actually don’t look at me #im skulking around in the darkest corners of fandom #also maybe it’s just bc I haven’t read ff in like…. 7 fucking years but some of the fics in this fandom have blown my fcking mind wide open #there are things I can never repeat that have been permanently branded into my brain chemistry #and that’s saying a lot considering …. I’m me #not saying I didn’t enjoy it. only saying what the fuck (affectionate)#surprised and delighted to be out freaked #part of me is taking it as a challenge tho. unfortunately for everyone #me seeing the weirdest shit imaginable: I must step up my freak

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enjomo-arch · 1 year ago

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Hai frens wishes u good morning cuz I dunno how much will be done today but I'll try my best 🙏

#out.#I'm rewatching ace episodes /w my friend #God bless him for taking care of my dumbass lmao #Today ace in prison episodes and i also am in prison #Trapped in the lazy cage by the oogli weather outside!!#But I'll try to do at least inbox stuff and 2 drafts 😔🙏

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itsalwaysdark · 7 months ago

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the difficulty of trying 2 explain to ppl that im Not being self deprecating or belittling my mental illnesses when i say something that could be perceived as overly critical towards myself but that thise things actually r true abt me. ppl did die.

#i wrote a whole post trying to explain and then i realized it judt wasnt particularly worth it so i out it in the drafts. so i wrote for #like 20 minutes and all i got is soooo insanely dissociated . can we kill connor im sick of this fucking guy #idk. i wish often incould just project my brain on a wall or sometjing abd ppl would get it and i wouldnt have to explain it #bc everytjing i say even when it sounds crazy or it sounds oike im habing a breakdown its like. its how it actually is its the truth but #nobody ever fucking understands bc i cant. word it in a way that makes it make sense to people #like my most prominent 'delusion' i cant fucking explain it to people bc theyre like Woah thats rly rly rly concerning and sounds like its #rly harmful for yourself to believe that but it literally isnt I have to believe it bc its one of the only things that actually is keeping #me alive but if i ever fucking talk abt it nobody understands it #sometimes it is very scary and it makes me miserable that its true but i know that it is true. ive woken up in terror crying abt it Multiple #times but ik that its true and its a good thing its true bc it means i am alive roght now. as alive as i always am at least #but wtvr. the post wasnt even originally abt that #it was abt dropout stuff and like. yk. bc when i say I dropped out bc i was lazy and whiny ppl think im being mean 2 myself and erasing like #the depression and the ptsd and the Identity shit and the dissociation and the panic attacks and the seizures and grief and stuff #but its like. yes all that also was going on but i also was just lazy. if i wasnt lazy i couldve judt fucking graduated and i wouldnt be #trapped now #<- That is only true for me . ik thats like a stupid thing to say but this is why i cant rlt Be honest abt how i feel abt myself dropping #out is bc i get horrific fucking guilt bc i Was judt lazy and fucking stupid and i Am a bad person for not graduating hs #but that is not true for other dropouts for other dropouts deopping out doesnt mean youre dumb or lazy and it doesnt make you a bad person #but its different for me ik everybody thinks theyre the exception but i am i Am just lazy i am just stupid and its my fault. specifically.#idk i need to go lke slam my head into a wall.#idk what happened i wasnt fucking doing bad and then i made like. a loghthearted post abt sometjing and derailed in the tags and now its #oh i remembered. i tried to sign up for a ged class and encountered 1 obstacle and fucking gave up . God. i loterally havent changed at all #we neeedddd to get rid of connor or at least get a bew one in so fucking sick of being rhe one im so sick of being Connor i dont want it #anymore . head on pike #idk. im fine. im just habing a momey. im.probably judt pissy bc i didnt sleep. maybe ill take an edible

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hostradio · 8 months ago

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there's basically no world in which al's father DIDN'T end up in hell after he died — he was an objectively terrible piece of work. not the absolute worst, but definitely not a good person by any stretch of the imagination. there's a roughly twenty year ( and some change ) stretch between his death and al's, which is plenty of time for him to be wiped out before his son even sets foot in hell, but it isn't impossible for them both to be down there simultaneously.

i think the natural assumption would be that al might take the opportunity to kill him again or enact some sort of revenge — but their relationship was never necessarily antagonistic so much as it was steeped in mutual apathy with a side of al witnessing the abuse and manipulation he inflicted upon OTHER people. ( which definitely did traumatize him, but he was never the direct subject of it. ) make no mistake, al is the specific flavor of obsessive controlling bastard who would absolutely hunt him down and kill him if he saw him as a loose end of some sort — he just wouldn't? the indifference he felt in life would carry over into death; he genuinely could not possibly care less about this man. he was and always has been a step away from being a complete stranger to him.

however, al still uses the same name in hell — and staunchly refuses to change it. there is a very good chance word of his infamy has reached his father, assuming he's still alive at that point. and the kicker is, he wouldn't even know al was the one who killed him because he attacked him from behind. so that's fun. that's interesting.

#𝟎𝟎𝟒 : 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘤𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘣𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘦. ◟ hc .◝#( i'll be honest this is mostly just me babbling )#( i do like the idea of him more or less showing up on al's doorstep one day like --#''hi son heard you're making waves down here!! so proud!! anyway maybe you could use some of that power to help your old man --'' )#( al just going ''HA!!'' and slamming the door in his face )#( he wouldn't actually kill him unless he pushed him because to al there's no greater punishment than being trapped in hell )#( his existence is not a weakness to be used against him because he does not give a shit about this man. who is he. )#( no one is going to listen to this random sinner if he tries to blab that they're related. )#( on that note!! i am putting myself in drafts jail for a little bit. fingers crossed for progress; i fell into art hell yesterday. )

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