#although im constantly torn

[iwanttofuckereh69]

Have you not considered that I too am a drakenhanma connoisseur I mean they,,,have chemistry theyre so evenly matched,,,there's some energy there that I'd never deny besides I've said it before and I'll say it again they're tied for peak mmf threesome ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and I'd never apologize for thst

I simply cannot help how badly I want him in particular

RIGHT? THEY ARE JUST SO FINE TOGETHERRRRR. That dynamic, the rivalry, the chemistry o m f g so fucking good. Amazing, incredible, heartstopping.

Never thought of them in mmf scenario though. But now i have. And I see where you're coming from. I'm-. Yeah. Eye opening. So many possibilities. Yes please.

What do I have to do to persuade you to write sth like that? /jk (or am i? 👀)

[uh-niran-really]

(⁠っ⁠˘̩⁠╭⁠╮⁠˘̩⁠)⁠っ I think i might have made this top angsty but the pain is worth it ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ

(preferably fem reader please (⁠｡⁠ŏ⁠﹏⁠ŏ⁠))

Ok soo..

Niran and symmetra have been close friends for years, they have a bond that reader could only dream of having. And although niran is flirty and kind to everyone, it feels different when he says it to his best friend, satya. Reader often tags along the trips niran sets up with satya, which often hurts the reader and makes them feel jealous. One day, Niran wanted to treat reader out, just the 2 of them. Reader gets her hopes up thinking its a date and Niran makes her feel really special (i don't know how to write fluffy date scenes i'm sorry! ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ) and by the end of the day, she slips and confesses to him. He's unsure of how he feels and feels conflicted, thinking that the fluttering in his heart whenever they went out was because of his best friend satya, which ended up in him rejecting reader. Reader, upset, but still nods and goes back to her dorm, rejecting any offer from Niran to walk her back. A few days goes by and she starts to get difficulty breathing, no one knows of this and she continues on with her training whilst avoiding niran. Poor niran is probably sad and is overthinking/yapping to satya abt how he ruined their friendship. A few more days later, Reader starts coughing up blood by the sink in her dorm before eventually coughing out lotus petals. (“Hanahaki disease”) She panics and reaches out to mercy, asking for help, mercy looks around her resources and gives her a really sad look before telling her the cause/the cure(lets imagine surgery isnt an option here bc more angst the better ಥ⁠╭⁠╮⁠ಥ) reader smiles sadly knowing with how fast the disease is spreading, she probably wont last very long. She spends the rest of her days off of missions, constantly Throwing up blood with petals of her love's favorite flower. She cries in pain before asking someone to call satya, wanting to speak to her to pass a message before reader passes. When satya arrives reader confronts her about how niran loves her and asks for her to take good care of him, satya is worried and calling both niran and mercy to help you through her comms before paying attention to the reader and telling her all about how niran's been breaking down and regretting his decision, how he did truly love the reader and misunderstood his feelings, and the sleepless nights he had thinking about how the two of you couldve been together if it hadn't been for him speaking before thinking properly. Before reader can answer, she hears the sound of her room door getting busted open as niran rushes towards her side, crying and begging for her to stay alive and apologizing over and over. She passes out and he panics trying to find her pulse but since he was stressed and panicking, he couldn't find it, making him more scared, crying and screaming out when he was torn away from the reader's body to get treated by mercy. Days go by and niran has been in his lab, staring at his desk, unmoving, mumbling apologies as tears streamed down his face, having constant meltdowns every time his thoughts would wander off to the thought of reader dying. When he gets the news of the reader being alive he sprints, running for his life to go to her room, once he gets there he cries and begs for forgiveness, even tho she was still unconscious, he begs and begs, regretting his every action, until she woke up. He was so happy she was alive then he starts begging for her forgiveness and shes confused thinking he liked satya, he rejects that thought and reassured her he got his feelings all wrong and that he truly loved reader 🥹🙏 She forgives him and he asks her out to be his girlfriend which she happily accepts, once she gets out they get scolded by satya for the entire misunderstanding but is still happy reader is alive and theyre both ok 🫡🫡🙏🙏

OMFG IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEAN FOR THE ASK TO BE THIS LONG JDJDSJSN

Hanahaki - Fem Reader X Lifeweaver

Content: Angst, Hanahaki disease, Fluff, Romance.

Word count: 6,200+ (You’re in for a wild ride with this one my dears)

A/N: Wow. Never have I loved a prompt more than this one. I truly hope it was worth the wait and you enjoy reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it! It’s been such a joy to write for you again!

“Satya, have I told you how much I love you?”

“Yes Niran, quite frequently.”

You watched the pair feeling torn. They looked like the perfect couple. The sweet and lovey dovey flirty one and the stoic serious type. They complimented each other a lot. Though they insisted that they were just friends but you didn’t believe that. The way they spoke to each other, light touches here and there and that longing look they gave when watching one another. You wanted that bond with Niran, so badly.

Currently you were on a “best friends” trip with the pair. A little day out to enjoy everyone’s company. It felt like being a third wheel in reality. You watched as Niran continuously flirted with Satya, complimenting how beautiful she looked in the sunlight and how much he wanted to hug her. He glanced over at you aware of your presence, offering you a smile. You smiled back, but inside you know it was all an act.

“Y/N, let’s take a picture!”

“Oh.. are you sure you-“

He trust the camera in your hands and posed with Satya, who was less than bothered. Of course he wanted YOU to take the picture. Rolling your eyes you snapped the picture and handed it back to him. Before you could walk away he grabbed your waist and pulled you back.

“I wanted you to take a picture of the three of us silly.”

His touch was seering hot against you, delicate but precise across your skin. He had eased up since pulling you closer to him, but your head was all over the place. Niran was like a drug, enough to get you hooked on him and leave you pining for more.

“Or I can take it if you aren’t feeling up to it?” He offered you back the camera.

“S-sorry. I was lost in thought. I’ve got it.”

Holding up the camera you smile, Niran sticks his tongue out and Satya stands a little awkwardly. You pause to see if she’ll smile but as always she’s stoic so you snap the picture.

“Ohhh you look beautiful Satya! So cute!” Niran swoons.

“Niran. You’re embarrassing me.”

You waited to see if Niran would compliment you too, wishful thinking really. He only seemed to have eyes for Satya. The way he looked at her now screamed desire, true love, need. Surprisingly though he turned to you.

“Don’t you look adorable.”

If only you could hide the blush on your face. He noticed too, giggling at the sight. He found you sweet and down right cute. He told you as much, it just seems more friendly rather than flirtatious. With little to no warning however, he blew you a kiss. Such a sweet gesture, one that you choose to believe was romantic, as delusional as you sounded.

“Niran, will you please stop flirting. Can we go now? You know we have countless meetings tomorrow and you as always have not prepped.” Satya grumbled at him.

“Oh my dear, you know I’ll wing it!” He winked at her, a rare smile forming at her lips.

As you started to head back to the base, you hung back watching as Niran doted on her, buzzing around her like she was the most beautiful flower. It was like this every time the three of you were together. He always seemed to fall back on her, making you feel worthless. Like what was the point in you being there. Niran seemed to notice how unhappy you were on the way back to base, dropping back to walk with you.

“Are you alright sweetheart?”

“Fine.”

“You don’t look “fine” to me, but perhaps I’m just too happy all the time.”

You frowned and he apologised for light hearted attempt at humour. He only wished to make you smile but he didn’t always hit the mark, though he never stopped trying.

“But in all seriousness, please tell me what’s wrong?”

“I-“

You paused. You wanted to tell him how you felt but it just felt wrong. With Satya there it was just awkward and you didn’t want to feel disrespectful. Instead you faked a smile, attempting to lift the mood.

“It’s nothing Niran, I promise.”

“How about I take you out tomorrow? Just the two of us? A mini date of sorts hmm?”

Either Satya didn’t hear or she didn’t care. You of course were delighted at the thought of spending time with Niran one on one. But you couldn’t help think about Satya and what she would think.

“What about Satya?”

“What about her? She has a lot of meetings tomorrow, she’s very important! I however am not as important as miss Vaswani, so I can spare the evening if you want to take me up on that?”

“I’d love to Niran!”

——🪷——

The morning was chaotic. You had some work to do in the lab but you couldn’t stop thinking about Niran and his choice of words ‘a mini date of sorts’. Was he teasing or was he being serious. With Niran it could go either way. He was difficult to read in most cases but great at reading others. Still you tried not to look too much into it and just accept that whatever it was, it would just be the two of you.

Come the afternoon you were a nervous wreck, stressing over the smallest details. Was the outfit choice too much? Would Niran be just as fancy? Was this a date or not? It was all too much for you to handle. Instead you opted to take a nice hot relaxing bath to melt the stress away. A sigh escaped your lips as you slipped into the warm water, eyes fluttering shut for a moment or two, thinking of Niran. A thought crossed your mind and you wondered if you should tell him how you feel or not. The whole situation was confusing after all. You decided to play it by ear and see how things went, it would be way less awkward that way.

Feeling fresh and relaxed, you dried yourself off and looked at your outfit choice again. A little fancier by your standards, but Niran was a fancy man. He always liked to look his best in any occasion.

“Screw it! What do I have to lose.”

——🪷——

You certainly felt overdressed when you saw Niran. He was wearing his causal attire, hair thrown up in a messy bun. Real cute and homely. Here you were in a dress and pretty heels, embarrassed. Your hair done up all pretty with gorgeous jewellery to match.

“Oh I feel so underdressed.”

“No.. I.. I feel stupid.”

He grinned at you, really taking the time to admire you. For lack of a better word, you were beautiful, truly. Gently he took your hand and lead you back to his dorm, making you fluster.

“I’m sorry to ask for you to wait Y/N, please allow me 10 minuets to dress more to…” He paused again, eyes tracing your every inch of you. “Your standard.” He was enamoured, hardly able to contain his smile, though you weren’t sure if he was just being nice. You watched as he slipped into his room, head spinning from the possibilities. You knew it was just his demeanour and that he was just being a gentleman, but what if it was more than that? You pondered your thoughts outside his dorm until he returned.

“Niran.. you look..”

“Fabulous? Yeah, I know.” He teased with a wide smile.

You playfully roll your eyes at him. He was often like this with Satya, but now she wasn’t here his playfulness appeared to fall onto you, not that you minded one bit of course.

“Flirt! Anyway, where are we going?”

“I was thinking dinner? I assume you haven’t eaten yet? I know I haven’t.”

“Sounds lovely Bua.”

He loved the use of his nickname. You didn’t use it much, it felt somewhat exclusive to Satya, and yet you used it now anyway. Niran wasn’t complaining. He loved when close friends and family used it, quite frankly it made his heart flutter.

“Unlike you to use ‘Bua’ so casually. Not that I mind of course.”

“Well, I figured it was okay Is it not?” You teased him back. If he dishes it out, surely he can take it, right?

“Of course.”

——🪷——

Oh the Pruksamanee influence. Despite being a fugitive he still had some status it seemed. The restaurant was quite a lovely one. The last minuet reservation was quite impressive too, but anything for you, his lovely Y/N.

“This place is gorgeous Niran.”

“Oh isn’t it?” He pulled out your chair for you, tucking you into the table once you took your seat. “I’ve come here with Satya a few times. Charming little place.”

You hide your frown and you hide it well, but as always Niran picks up on it. He takes his own seat, crossing one leg over the other, placing his head in his hand, leaning his elbow on the table, eying you softly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong, I promise. I’m just a little stressed from work. I’m sure you understand.”

“Of course, please order anything you would like dear.” His free left hand touches yours from across the table. “My treat. You work hard.”

You both order and Niran picks out a bottle of wine he thinks you’ll enjoy. Something to match the flavours of both your meals, he was use to the finer things in life, but could comfortably live without them too. You couldn’t help but notice how sweet Niran was being with you, he was always sweet but right now, he was treating you like a princess. Almost like he did with Satya. You laughed and flirted over dinner, drinking a little more than you usually would but you were having so much fun with the man opposite you, so it hardly mattered.

“Are you having fun dearest?”

“Yes, I’m a little tipsy though, you might have to carry me home Niri!”

“I fear that may be the case too.” He laughed, such a sweet sound. You often heard it when he was with Satya, but it sounded so much better now that you had been the one to cause it.

Niran ordered another bottle of wine, because according to him, nothing was too good for you. Your senses had been lulled into a sweet concoction of joy and felicity. You were truly on cloud nine. Was this how Satya felt with him? You weren’t sure but honestly you didn’t want a constant reminder of what you were competing with.

“So what made you decide to take me out? I know you mentioned Satya was busy.”

“I just wanted to treat you. I feel like we aren’t as close anymore. You like to come along with me and Satya on crazy days out but I got the feeling you wanted some one on one time.”

Oh he was good. He was very perceptive, both a blessing and a curse. You couldn’t hide much from him. He could read you and everyone else like a book.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me Niran.”

“Can I interest you some dessert? Though you’re already sweet enough.”

My was this man a flirt. Such a warm feeling though, like he genuinely cared about you. He did this to every one, it was one of his love languages after all, but with you it was starting to feel different. Right?

“We could split a slice of cake?”

“I like the way you think Y/N. What are you eyeing most and don’t say me.”

You playfully roll your eyes at him again. This man really was going all out. Still you couldn’t help but lap it up. Tracing your finger down the dessert menu you watch his face light up as you trail over red velvet cake. He’s all smiles when you pick it of course, delighted in the idea of sharing this with you. As you’re waiting for the cake you take another sip of wine, you weren’t sure how much you had, stopped counting long ago. You were far from drunk but your tongue was certainly a little loose your mind overcome with need and want. With him.

“Niran, I have something I need to confess to you.”

“What, do you love me of something?” He winked unknowingly.

Your face said it all, flushed bright read, eyes drifting away from his. The perfect picture of lustful embarrassment. Remember how he was good at reading you. Just one look at you and he knew.

“Y/N.. do you really?”

“Yes… Tonight has been so wonderful and I’ve felt this way a while an-“

“I’m so sorry to cut you off, truly I am..but.. I’m sorry I don’t think I feel the same way. I- I think I’m in love with Satya..”

If heartbreak was an expression, your face said it all. Of course he was. Of course it was Satya. You felt stupid for even giving it a second thought. It had always been Satya. From day one you could see the chemistry between them.

“Oh.. I see.. well she’s a lovely person so.. good luck to you Niran.”

“Y/N.. I’m sorry.. oh god I’ve led you to believe it was mutual..” Things started to fall into place for him.

“No Niran.. I just mistook your kindness for attraction.” You stood up, stumbling a little from the wine. He stood up ready to catch you, worried. “I wish you all the best, I think I’m going to go. Thank you for the evening. I had a great time.”

“Don’t go! Please, let’s just talk..”

“I just want to leave Niran..”

“Then please let me walk you home..”

Despite his protests to walk you home you left, tears threatening to spill at any given moment. You knew the signs. The way he looked at Satya was so obvious. He practically worshiped the grown she walked on. This night was just Niran treating a friend, nothing more. Niran felt awful about it all, watching you leave the restaurant in tears. His head spun with questions about how he felt and what was going on. His heart fluttered whenever he was with Satya. It had started to flutter a little around you, but he couldn’t help but think of her. He felt even worse when the cake you both ordered to share came, now having to eat it alone, without you.

——🪷——

A few days went by since your failure of a date with Niran. He tried to talk with you a few times but you politely excused yourself telling him that you just needed to get in a better headspace and that you still weren’t ready. The look on his face stung. He look so defeated and worried.

“Satya.. I’ve ruined everything.. she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore..”

“Give her some space Niran.. I’m sure she’ll come around when she’s ready.”

Around the same time came the difficulty breathing. It started off as a small cough that was manageable enough, but worry started to set in when you coughed up what appeared to be lotus petals. Confusion was too light of a word to use in this situation, you couldn’t understand why this would be happening to you. It’s wasn’t like you ate any lotus flowers recently, or at all for that matter. You tried your best to hide it from your coworkers at the base as well as Niran. You assumed that it would just go away, but a week had passed and it was getting worse. The coughs turning violent as you desperately tried to clear your lungs. Soon you were coughing up blood along with the petals and you knew this wasn’t right. It hurt. It hurt so badly. You avoided it for so long and it felt like someone was stabbing your lungs and throat constantly. Enough was enough and you went to see Dr Ziegler hoping for some Mercy from this pain.

“Oh, this sounds like Hanahaki Disease.. You poor thing. Let’s get you an X-Ray, see if we can’t remove the flowers with surgery.”

“Surgery?! Flowers?!”

You didn’t understand what was happening to you, and now surgery was apart of this whole ordeal. Things were getting too much and you could barely handle it.

“Hanahanki is a painful and draining condition where you have flowers growing in your lungs. It’s caused by unrequited love.. oh you poor thing. Judging by the type of flower petals.. it’s safe to assume..”

“Niran Pruksamanee.. yes..”

She gave you a sympathetic smile. Things didn’t make much sense but at least you knew what it was that was causing you so much pain. Dr Ziegler had you lie on a bed as she took an X-Ray of your chest to see how far the disease had progressed. In most cases it was a slow moving disease, one that was treatable with surgery, at the cost of the persons love for the one who caused it. However you weren’t so lucky. Dr Ziegler gasped at the progression in which the flowers had began to grow.

“I.. I’m so sorry but surgery just isn’t an option Y/N. The flowers are too developed, I would risk causing you serious damage..”

“Am I going to die..?”

“No, there’s another way.. Niran has to reciprocate your love.. but I’m not sure if th-“

“I’m going to die. It’s okay, you can be straight with me.. how long..?”

“Maybe a few weeks if you’re lucky. Do you want me to talk to Nir-“

“No. Thank you but no. He doesn’t love me.. he.. he deserves to be happy.”

The Dr was kind enough to give you some pain relief before sending you home on ‘bed rest’, though you referred to it as your death bed. She promised not to talk to Niran about it, per your request, which you decided was for the best. The pain only got worse from here. Soon you found yourself coughing up more and more petals, accompanied by more blood. You were dying and you sure did feel like it with all the pain going on.

——🪷——

“I don’t know what to do Satya… I’m so torn it hurts… it hurts so much…”

“Bua.. Why won’t you just tell me what happened..”

Niran couldn’t tell her. His feelings were so confusing. He was certain he loved her but just thinking of you was enough to drive him crazy.

“It.. it doesn’t matter. I miss her coming with us on our little days out.. she looks so sad all the time Satya.. I caused that.. me..”

“Niran I promise you that it’s fine.. I’m no good at reading people like you are, but anyone can see the girl just needs a break.”

“It’s been a whilst since I last saw her.. I hope she’s okay…”

Satya sighed pulling him into a big hug, which gladly accepted breaking down into tears. His head was spinning with constant conflict over you and her. He swore he loved Satya, not being able to get enough of her. However after that evening he spent with you he wasn’t so sure that was true. Regardless he melted into her touch as she rubbed his back, promising things would be okay and that she loved him, platonically, though Niran was further drawn into chaos. A depression setting in his mind.

——🪷——

Weeks passed since your diagnoses and things were looking as if they were about to end. You were throwing up bloody petals hourly now. The pain was too much to handle. You’d be glad when it was all over. You couldn’t help but think of Niran, pining for him to take this pain away, and yet, he was with Satya now. Surely he had told her he loved her by now. You were sure they were so happy together. With you gone, nothing would stop him. Your thoughts lingered on Satya and you wanted to speak with her, wanting her to pass on a message to Niran of sorts.

With all the strength you could muster you get up from your bed and ask a passer by to get Satya. Maybe she wouldn’t come. Maybe she didn’t care. But maybe it was worth a try. One final attempt before the flowers killed you. Minuets passed and to your suprised she came, a little confused why you asked for her.

“Y/N? You wanted to speak with me. Niran’s been worried an-“

“Satya. I just want you to promise me something. Please?”

She nodded and took a seat next to your bed. She had already began stimming, feeling the pressure and tension of the uncertain situation. You didn’t blame Satya for anything. You could see why Niran liked her. She was gorgeous, smart, his childhood friend. Her intellect was a wondrous thing, ask her anything about Hard Light and she could list off more facts than the inventor themself. She was effortlessly beautiful in every way. Her satin black hair perfectly straight and flowing down her back, an obsidian waterfall. Niran had probably loved her forever. There was no competing with that.

“Are you sick..?”

“Yeah. It’s not contagious so please don’t worry.”

She nodded and sighed from relief. She hated getting sick, a small phobia of hers. Knowing Niran he would just love to wrap her up warm and take care of her all day, leaving her little kisses and whispering her sweet nothings. They belonged together.

“Listen Satya, you and Niran are perfect together. I’m happy for you both, really I am.. will you promise me something?”

“I can try..”

“Will you look after him for me when I’m gone? Niran I mean..”

“Are you going somewhere?”

She was far too sweet for this world. It made you smile. She wasn’t stupid, far from it, just struggled with social ques and picking up on subtle hints.

“I’m dying Satya.”

Her face hardly reacted, normal for her, though you did notice that she stopped stimming. She was probably processing everything you had just said. It must be a lot to handle for anyone, but especially her. After a few moments her lip quivered showing you just how saddened she was, no matter how hard she had tried to hide it. She tapped her head set as calmly as she could without breaking down, taking a deep breath. Unbeknownst to you she has started a call with Niran and Dr Ziegler.

“I have Hanahaki disease… I’m starting to-“

As if the timing couldn’t be more perfect you threw up another round of petals and blood, demonstrating your disease to her. It was violent, pain tearing through your throat as if you were being scorched from the inside.

“Y/N!” She reached out to rub your back softly as you retch and heave up the petals, seering pain burning your lungs. It was agony. Tears pricked at your eyes, threatening to spill as you gasped for air so desperately. As quickly as it began it was over, allowing you some time to breathe, even if it was a struggle.

“Y/N… Niran has been going crazy.. he’s been breaking down into tears over you.. he’s spent so many sleepless nights agonising over his decision to reject you.” She takes her place by your side again, deciding that the back rubs weren’t helping much. She felt to awkward and helpless. “I’ve never seen Niran so devastated Y/N.. He’s been over analysing everything.. it’s been rather annoying to hear him babble on about how he wishes he put more thought into it rather than jumping to an answer.. how you could have been together right now if he would have just thought it through. Y/N.. he really does care.”

Before you could answer Niran burst through your door eyes meeting yours immediately, tears streaming down his cheeks. He looked awful, just as Satya had mentioned. The sleepless nights haven’t been kind to him and he was in need of a good nights rest. His hair matted and tangled into a half done up do. The embodiment of depression.

“Y/N!! Oh my god I’m so sorry.. I’m so so so sorry..”

He was at your side almost instantly, Satya moving back to give him some space. He took your hand bringing it up to his cheek. His skin was warm yet wet and tear stained. The way Niran looked at you was like you were an Angel, admiring your beauty. The way he yearned for you was too much to handle. You felt your lungs begin to burn again, a reminder that you couldn’t be happy.

“Please don’t leave me! You can’t go..”

He held your hand tighter almost willing you to stay. He was scared. Really scared. You didn’t need his gift of soul reading to know that. Anyone could see it.

“I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry… please forgive me beautiful.. I’m so sorry…”

The burning was all too much for you to handle now. You wanted to say something anything but now you just couldn’t breathe. This disease was killing you, at the worst possible time. Niran watched in horror as your eyes flickered closed as if fighting off sleepiness, before you blacked out, slumping on the bed.

“Y/N!!” He began to panic harder now really worried for your life. He attempted to find your pulse on your wrist searching for any signs that you weren’t dead. When he couldn’t find it he searched your neck, panic already gripping at his body. “NO NO NO NO!!!” He screamed panicking harder and harder, searching in desperation for your pulse, refusing to give up on you. “PLEASE! YOU CAN’T! NOT NOW, NOT WHEN I’VE REALISED THE TRUTH!”

He begged and pleaded with you to wake up, going as far as to shake you, pleading with you to open your pretty eyes. Satya watched in horror as her best friend broke down once again, knowing that there was nothing she could do to help him.

“I LOVE YOU!! WAKE UP!!”

“Niran..” Satya started before Dr Ziegler rushed in. Niran was hysterical now, the thought of losing you was all too much for him. He screamed, cried and begged even as he was ripped away from your near lifeless body by a few assistants of the Dr. All so they could treat you.

“Niran it’s going to be okay.. please..” Satya grabbed her friend and held him for dear life as he screamed for you louder and louder. “Please Niran.. please..” Satya began to cry too hating the terrible sounds coming from her friend. It was truly an awful sight to behold. “I’m here.. I’m not letting go.. I’m here..” She comforted him much like he always comforted her. Promising him that she was his constant. That nothing would stop her from helping him.

“Satya, will you watch him?” Dr Ziegler called before rushing out of the room to her office. She didn’t need a reply, knowing Satya was already on it.

Niran continued to scream, slumping to his knees dragging Satya with him, eventually resting his head on her shoulder, sobbing as his heart broke once more.

——🪷——

Days passed and Niran progressively got worse and worse. He hadn’t moved from his lab desk opting to stare at it mumbling nothing but barely coherent words of apologies and sweet nothings for you.

“I’m sorry tîi-rák… oh please forgive me sweet thing.. I love you..”

Satya dropped by as often as she could, forcing him to eat something and drink some water. He refused most of the time however, resulting in her forcefully making him drink water, and pleading with him to eat.

“I’m sorry… please… please wake up.. you have no idea how much I need you to wake up..”

He couldn’t sleep. He was too worried about you. Too focused on things he left unsaid. Too restless to even flirt with the idea of sleep. Not when he could have been flirting with you. If only he took the time to think.

“You have to wake up.. there’s so much I need to tell you… I’m so sorry… please… please forgive me… don’t leave…”

Whenever he thought of you lying there dying, he began to meltdown. His barely coherent mumbling turning into screams. He began throwing things and slamming his hands on his desk. He tossed a picture of you in one for of rage before dropping to his knees cradling it close to his heart, apologising for hurting you again. Satya ended up staying with him that night after he cut himself. He told her it was an accident, she didn’t believe him.

Eventually Niran ventured outside his lab finding himself in your dorm room. The door was left unlocked and untouched. He felt his tears form again as he stepped inside, the trauma like a punch to his stomach. Crazed with guilt and grief he climbed onto your bed, pulling a pillow to cuddle with, your scent being his pull to reality. Niran became dizzy with the idea of spending sleepless nights beside you, watching your chest rise and fall as you breathed soundly next to him. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed but when he next looked up it was early evening, the sun beginning to set. He spotted a couple of bloodied lotus petals lying on the floor. They must have fallen from your covers as you were pulled out of bed by the Dr. Curious by nature he picked them up, studying their shape and the dried blood they were coated in.

“Hanahaki.. these must be the petals..” He mumbled to himself. “Hmm pretty Lotuses..”

He started to collect each and everyone he could find, by which there were many. He wasn’t sure what he would do yet, but he knew he wanted to find a cure. Niran returned to his lab spreading the petals across his desk and staring intently at them, sobbing his heart out at the thought of the women he loved lying lifeless in a hospital bed.

“You can’t take her from me… I know I rejected her.. I know.. I screwed up… I know I did… but I love her..”

Sitting back on his chair and pulling his hair loose hair back into a messy bun, he sat relentlessly studying the petals for hours upon hours, wishing for nothing more than a breakthrough. This was harder than his Biolight breakthrough. He was too scared to even try Biolight in case the flowers grew out of control, killing you. Life as he knew it was dwindling into grey hues. The colour no longer relevant to him. He didn’t care anymore. He just wanted you. He stayed at his desk for another handful of days, continuously sobbing and begging for death to take him too.

——🪷——

“Niran!!” Satya rushed in to his lab, shaking her best friend awake. He had finally been stolen by sleep itself, the rest much needed but sadly not enough. “She’s stable!! She’s alive Bua!!”

“Huh.. Satya?”

“SHE’S ALIVE! GO!”

With no hesitation he makes a beeline for you. So desperate to see just darling Angel. His headspace had been so worryingly bad recently that he just needed this. He needed to tell you that he loved you. That you were the one for him. That he chose you. Upon arriving he sees you’re still unconscious, his heart swelling with disappointment, yet he stayed, longing for you to wake up.

“Not done with your beauty sleep kon-dii? Well I think you’re already beautiful enough..”

Dr Ziegler smiled at him, his love for you making her swoon. She offered him a seat and told him to stay as long as he liked. To yell for her or Baptiste should he need anyone. Niran was content with sitting by your side, knowing that you could wake up soon, with any luck.

“Please wake up wãan-jai.. how can we be in love if you sleep all the time precious.”

He delicately reaches for your hand and presses it against his chest.

“Do you feel my heart? It beats for you.”

He continued to tell you sweet nothings, praising you for being strong, apologising over and over again. Your sweet face put a smile on his own. You looked so peaceful like that, his heart could barely take it.

“Oh the things you do to me sweet one. Please wake up.”

He bit his lip, trying to keep from kissing you. Niran was a serial romantic. He treasured the idea of true loves first kiss waking you from your sweet slumber. A fairy tale of sorts. He leant in close, eyes flickering from your lips to your softly closed eyes, then back to your lips.

“I beg you dearest.. wake up so I can kiss you properly.”

The moment his lips planted on yours, your eyes flutter open, almost as if true loves first kiss had worked. The kiss was soft and delicate, yet so passionate and warm. You mumble his name against his lips, before kissing him back, the sensation shocking him into realisation.

“Y/N?!” He pulled back from your lips leaving you starved and frowning a little, but you were so happy to see him. “You’re.. YOU’RE ALIVE! I MISSED YOU!”

“Currently alive yes. I missed yo- mmmphh”

Without thinking he kissed you again, this time with burning desire and need. His emotions were all over the place but if there’s one thing he knew, it was that he loved you.

“Please forgive me Y/N! I was such a fool.. I caused this.. all of it!! My darling please forgive m-“

You cut him off with another sweet kiss, feeling as his anxiety melted away. All the pain and sadness drifted off leaving him calmer and more refined. He was stunned for a few seconds after you pulled away. Truly a gorgeous sight.

“What a beautiful way of telling me to shut up.”

“You were panicking over nothing. I needed a way to calm you down, and we kiss now apparently?”

Niran’s blush is quite the sight. It spread so quickly across his handsome features, as he stared at you with such love and adoration. He looked as if he were the happiest man alive.

“I’m a little confused though Niran.. Won’t Satya be mad..?”

“Y/N, I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.. it’s you I’m in love with. I.. got my feelings confused and as it turns out.. my heart pounded whenever I was near you.. and well.. because I’m with Satya whenever I’m with you.. I.. assumed it was her.”

His hand takes yours again placing it on his heart so you could once again feel the pounding of his heart against his chest. A sign that he was telling the truth.

“When my heart started pounding on our dinner date.. I.. I freaked out dearest. My heart told me one thing and my brain told me another… Satya. I spoke without thinking..”

You felt so much better after hearing his confession. Your chest felt lighter and it felt like you could breathe colours, it was wonderful. After so long on short air capacity you felt a little woozy from the sudden intake of air. Niran noticed your change in behaviour and how dizzy you were. Always was good at reading you.

“Careful! I have you.” He caught you before you fell off the side of the bed, laying you back down gently. “Falling for me already tîi-ràk? How cute.”

“Flirt.”

“But you love me for it?”

“I do.”

“Does this mean you’ll be my girlfriend?”

With no hesitation you happily agreed watching as the smile on his face grew. His eyes sparkled with happy tears as he hugged you tight, lightly squealing from happiness. It was a low sound but enough to make you smile too. He was your boyfriend now. You would live.

——🪷——

Satya was happy for the both of you, although she lectured you both for assuming feelings without just asking her about it.

“So Niran you mean to tell me this WHOLE TIME you could have just asked me how I felt about you? THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED!?”

“Yes dearest bu- OUCH!”

She had slapped him, nothing hard but enough to shock his system. She was royally ticked off by his lack of brain cells, despite him being one of the smartest men on base. You couldn’t help but giggle as the pair squabbled over the misunderstanding. You realised that Niran truly was like this with everyone but with you it was so different. Satya smiled at you glad to see you were okay, before continuing to scold Niran for being a fool and assuming things that just weren’t true. She adored him but no more than she did a childhood friend.

“Dummy!!” She smiled hugging him before hugging you too, ecstatic for her two favourite people.

Everything had fallen into place. You and Niran were an item now. Something everyone on base was excited about. Niran seeked therapy for the trauma and was doing much better now, especially as he had you in your life. You were doing much better, often checking in with the Dr to ensure the flowers had stopped growing. Soon you started going on regular dates, enjoying each others company and love for one another, Satya still tagged along on most of your dates, very much welcomed by the both of you, opting to sit quietly at the table watching as you often shared a piece of red velvet cake.

[syrips]

What are your fave canon-divergent Strahd headcanons? And/or what lore changes has a DM made in your CoS campaign that you really liked?

ooh ty for the ask! 🧡🧡

im not sure if my stuff is canon-divergent or compliant because its a mix of potential-canon or random things that could be explained with lore but either way!!-

obviously potential spoilers and l o n g !

thank you for the ask, i kinda rambled but i enjoyed writing it all hehee; i swear these are my favs, didnt realize i have so many

headcanonish list and cos dm list below:

Headcanon-ish(?) list in no specific order:

strahd can invent, alternate, or customize spells

strahd passively charms people (requiring a DC save) without realizing it

strahd 4th wall breaks constantly; anything the DM knows, strahd knows

alek gwilym was the first sacrifice in strahd's ritual, not tatyana or sergei

during the ritual, alek, sergei, and tatyana's physical bodies were all taken by the mists; they can/have reincarnated many times, similar to tatyana, but are usually lost/unaware because strahd only focuses on tatyana

strahd genuinely wants a family, but attempts in desperately unhinged ways (necromancy/kidnapping/adopting)

good-aligned strahd exists, because evil-aligned tatyanas also exist

strahd's tome/i, strahd books have an unintentional charm on the reader (in an in-game sense)

all visual depictions/art/portrayals of strahd are legitimate (in an in-game sense), we just view strahd differently, and draw/see him in our perspective

all versions/campaigns of strahd are canonical, because strahd's soul also got split with tatyana's, albeit in a different 4th wall way

strahd's birthday is in june

strahd was/is neurodivergent

strahd has empathy/sympathy and suffers from his actions, yet is torn between his desires, passion, and desperation

strahd does love, but he views 'love' as synonymous with 'passion'; in his eyes, his actions are justified because the more intense/passionate he is, the more he is expressing his love

alek, sergei, and tatyana all love strahd (in the 'normal' way), but are unable to fully understand how his mind/brain works

alek, rahadin, and strahd's consorts/partners are ones closest to understanding/loving strahd

strahd converting the consorts to vampires allow them to experience love in the same way strahd does - as passion; this is also why he is so adamant in wanting to convert tatyana or just try to help her understand in his bizarre ways

rahadin existed pre-vampire strahd, but strahd wrote about alek because he was closer to alek than rahadin

strahd's father was abusive/strict to strahd; strahd is attracted to people who act opposite to his father

~~~~~

CoS/DM list (im the DM but some of these i love when other DMs do too):

everyone strahd pursues, romances, or charms are adults

for pcs, all (good/neutral/evil) npcs are romanceable without the consequence of death

campaign's 'soft cap' is 20, with boons

strahd's abilities/CR level up with the party

Vampyr is a legitimate entity/creature, that can be fought or haggled with

you do not need to kill/defeat strahd to 'beat' CoS; 'beating' CoS just means making it out of barovia or 'unlocking' access to enter other domains

can communicate/interact with other domains/darklords via spells/magic items

classic DM move of 'tome of strahd is DMified i, strahd 1 and/or 2'

players can play multiple PCs, but only one PC is able to interact in combat (unless a player is missing/unable to make the session)

classic DM move of tatyana PCs

(my favorite one:) CoS+, aka repeatable CoS games where we develop the story/lore/events based on previous CoS games (although its not really just CoS anymore but ravenloft campaigns)

[broken-glowsticks]

hi!! same anon again (can I be 🍓) ☺️☺️

would love to hear your rambling thesis by the way xD but yeah even if he does love y/n, his choices aren’t really fair on her….. i do hope she gets to verbally confront him and vent out her frustration before (if) they get together. Although this is a hhj fic, I’m not opposed to her ending up with Bin, or even happily alone…

also your smut is SO good!!!! thank you for sharing your writing 💕

Omg hi 🍓! We love cute identifiers lmao.

ALSO WOW THANK YOU FOR THE SMUT COMPLIMENT IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😭😭😭 I'm constantly going back and re-reading chapters to make sure they're a good reading experience and I'm always SO WORRIED my smut isn't up to snuff 🥺 hearing from people like you make me happy I'm sharing my writing with others 🩷🖤🩷🖤💋💋💋

Lmao, ooook, ramble time! You've officially got me started! Hahaha, alright, here's the deal (let's see if I can avoid spoilers).

I'm juggling trying to write Hyunjin as sympathetic and genuinely in love with Y/N, that he cares and he's not coming from a malicious place BUT he's still a little bit of a fuckboy, still a little narrow viewed, still kinda stringing her alone even if that's not his intention (hence why Jisung kinda hates him).

Like, we see his reasoning for WHY he still sleeps with other girls, but it's not smart - even he realizes it's not smart when Y/N basically breaks up with him and now he's left to pine for her and being a little hoe isn't helping anymore. 😬

Also, while this is explicitly a hhj fic, I'm still trying my best to establish a really good relationship between Bin and y/n. I'm always worried that writing out the mundane stuff like the date in "A Little Spoiling" is a little boring, but I want opportunities to show that Changbin is just such a fuckin good boyfriend! Because, just, I want good things for Y/N toooo, I mean, come ooooon, she's been in love with this fuckboy guy for years and she knows he's damaged and feels like she could never compare, because he's literally slept with women way prettier and more successful than her. Why would he pick her? BUT CHANGBIN DOESN'T MAKE HER FEEL THAT WAY AND DUDE IM LEGIT SO TORN BETWEEN THEM STAYING IN LIKE OR ACTUALLY FALLING IN LOVE. (Plus I'm also in love with Changbin too, the home wrecker, so soft, attentive BF!Changbin is me being self indulgent 🤤).

Ok tiny spoiler here but I have the trajectory of Bin and Y/Ns relationship already mapped out and idk which would hurt more for our main trio (either never getting to the "I love you" stage or being deep in it) when shit is going to hit the fan.

Ah, but, back on topic. Not only is y/n's relationship with Bin meant to be her getting something good, but also a way for her to realize that she's been letting Hyunjin get away with far too much. Maybe cause she let him? Regardless, through a healthy relationship, I want her to take a stand when... other spoilery things happen

I have so much more to say, but that's spoiler terriroty, so - shh! 🤫🤭 Omfg, doing this rant without spoilers is so HARD!

Anyway, thank you 🍓 for the ask! Hope to hear from you again, especially as the story progresses!

[himbirch]

i just wanna add onto this because ada's spectre will always have me giddy and sad and so excited about her. she's my everything. also be warned i didnt do much research, pls lmk if any of this is scientifically wrong so i can edit it

also i'm calling the rich guy who killed her tamerlane for simplicity's sake (this is a reference to the poem she's from (called Tamerlane), where tamerlane is the narrator and her lover)

cw for some grotesque stuff about dead bodies, some mentions of sexuality

so as to the way she's held together by shoddy stitching, it's my opinion that tamerlane actually hacked her up and hid her pieces in different places to avoid getting caught. this would also explain why some parts of her are so much more decomposed than others, because swamps (more specifically low oxygen conditions) can slow decomposition a lot. this would make sense as to why her arms and legs are still mostly intact (just a bit dirty/moldy) while her torso, head, toes and fingers are all bone. her being torn to pieces would also make sense for the way that she moves, stretching the threads in her stitches and dislodging entire parts of her body. also the way her jaw dislodges when she screams could hint that he mightve torn it off.

i also think the bones on her spectre are super interesting: theres fish, snakes, a coyote skull on her hat, and i think some dog skulls as well (could be wrong, i didn't properly ID the skulls). its not totally clear to me whether any of the bones are animate, i'm assuming not but they do look to be screaming in certain panels (could be part of her earsplitting scream power, maybe not). but these bones could be other creatures that died in the same place, or even (this is a stretch ik) creatures tamerlane hunted (rich people still hunted for sport in the 30s i think, although i'm positive that poor people hunted for sustenance during the great depression, so then again the animals might've been killed by ada or her family for food)

the RIBBONS: oh my gosh ok i'm GIDDY about these okok so. if you somehow didn't notice the parallels between annabel lee and ada by this point, let me enlighten you. annabel and ada are paralleled a LOT. they're both single-minded and obsessive about love, they're both manipulative, they've both dabbled in playing both sides, they both have self-worth issues and have been victims of society as women (although ada also had the disadvantage of poverty). it's my slightly delusional opinion that annabel dislikes ada in part because she sees herself in her (ex. the panel where ada is all like "is there anything better than love?" and annabel grimaces and looks down) in any case the RIBBONS GUYS!! i don't have to tell yall that ribbons are constantly connected with annabel, and the way that HER fear sequence involved being wrapped in them. ada having ribbons on her skirts AND HAT (did yall notice that there is a giant ribbon tied AROUND HER NECK) (also in her HAIR. in spectre and in regular form the ribbon in her hair!!!! oh yall are not ready for me to start yapping about the significance of ada giving lenore her ribbon in the manor you're NOT ready) but anyway!!! ribbon literally around her neck, just like annabel in her fear sequence, could very well symbolize ada's own experience with the disempowerment of being a woman, the way she was not allowed to say anything (ex. tamerlane speaking over her as she bled out, no one respecting her, everyone overlooking her INCLUDING ANNABEL (ex. when ada says she might've underestimated lenore post-maze and annabel is SHOCKED) montresor being shocked by like. everything she does lmfao.) ok toooo be fair i'm not totally 100% on what the ribbons represent but i know they relate to annabel somehow I SENSE IT (insert conspiracy theorist gif)

also this vv (i think im allowed to share this)

but ye i wanted to mention that. NOW BACK TO ADA

the way she DIED: humiliated by someone who she thought loved her, certainly, but there is also a theory that she was pregnant when she died! to support this: she was axed in the stomach, told that she gave tamerlane "no choice" but to kill her. also:

ada didn't die in childbirth, but if she was pregnant she was killed directly (or like. roughly around) the womb.

AND AND AND (from An Encyclopedia of Fairies by Katharine Briggs in the section on banshees, quoted from Memoirs of Lady Fanshawe (from an alleged first-hand banshee encounter from the 1600s)

her subtype being Hag was foreshadowed when she taunted lenore post-maze and called her a hag, shrieking old crone etc (oh ada. oh ada no.)

her powers:

earsplitting scream is pretty standard procedure for banshees, i believe, not much to be said that i know of

mark of the grave: i don't think we've seen this one in action yet, but banshee encounters are very often premonitions of death from what i can see online, so she may be able to either mark someone for death or perhaps predict who is the next to die (could she have something to do with lenore's curse, perchance? did she mark her? or monty? maybe? i mean she did touch both of them and prospero in her spectre form quite a bit [WHAT IF SHE MARKED LENORE WITH THE RIBBON]) she also took prospero's cravat, it's unclear if that will come back but he has another one so maaaaybe not (would be neat tho) (ada is the best prospero hairdresser)

and of course, fear itself, her ability to create fear hallucinations:

i find the romantic/intimate undertones of this ability of hers FASCINATING. let me explain. in order to trigger this ability her target has to be staring into her eyes, and she often holds their face in her hands to guide their eyes to hers, in the same motion as though she were about to kiss them (although she ONLY does this with the men who MAY I MENTION are her love interests. it's kind of so so so so so interesting that its like she's taking the power back from these men who have been using her, disrespecting her, and underestimating her. also maaaybe she's violating their fears like this as a kind of late and misplaced revenge on tamerlane for what HE did to her and how HE violated her? am i insane perhaps? maybe.) but okok so. so. when she uses this ability she's almost flirty about it. ex. holding prospero gently, saying he's cute scared, face all up in lenore's and being all "not as brave as you pretend?~", and do i really have to explain how this is flirty? vvvv

also its sososososososososoooo interesting how she didn't do this with annabel, and annabel was also the only one who broke free of the illusion on her own. coincidence? I THINK NOT. like yes annabel has mental fortitude for miles and yes she's queen of dissociation, but i also think the illusion was weaker with her because of the clinical nature with which ada was looking at her, and the anger and impersonality when she grabbed her. also ada respects her like a lot. idk i think it has something to do with it. also the way monty's was like a FULLON hallucination where she wasnt even present. i would posit that's because of the strong emotion ada feels for him, and the romantic/intimate nature, again.

THE COMMON THREADS IN THE HALLUCINATIONS:

HANDS: the hands crawling up prospero, the handprints on monty + his mother's hands, and lenore's hands over annabel. (also the fewer amount of hands on annabel -> weaker hallucination perchance. but i digress). this goes once again along with the kind of intimate nature of ada's spectre. ada, someone presumably used for her body a lot in her life (at the very least by tamerlane, though i would bet money he wasn't the only one), having the power to make other people feel the fear she probably felt, through the use of hands over them. idk. idk its just a theory.

IMMOBILIZATION: this may be in part a freeze response on the part of her victims, but all of the hallucinations we've seen so far have included some kind of immobilization. annabel tied up with her ribbons and lenore, prospero rooted in place and being dissected by hands, monty being immobilized by fear the second his mother appears, wrapped around him and for the first time in the entire comic we see him submit to someone. to anyone. also his fight response is so interesting because his instinct is to fight anyone who is scaring him, EXCEPT FOR HIS MOTHER. sorry i'm. insane. he's so interesting. oh also lenore. personally i think her immobility WAS her fear response, and that her greatest fear was losing control of her body and being unable to help any of her loved ones because she literally couldnt even control herself but thats a whole nother ballpark.

aand i think thats all i can think of rn. im sure i'll come back to this later, ada is my everything and her spectre is so beyond gorgeous. i would kiss her right on the skull <3

ada's spectre, and why i'll likely always feel sad about it

here is the promised analysis/talk about ada's spectre. going to preface this by saying i obviously don't know the true intent behind everything and her design, i just like to look, giggle and then make sad little observations which just help me love this silly webcomic even more. so if you disagree with me on something– totally ok! i love to learn and i love to see different interpretations.

there's also a few bits i missed out because i wrote this all last night in a bit of a haze, and i cannot be bothered to expand on some of my ideas, especially when it's just stuff like "BROS SO PARANOID AND RAW RIGHT NOW".

anyways, here we go :) @mugcereal this one's for u pookie <3

so i think with ada's spectre, we first need to look at the instance as to how she gets it, because that always makes things way more sad!

to specify, she turns into her spectre at episode 69, and i think it's really sad how she does it. she basically gets a string of roasts from prospero that go along the lines of calling her "conceited" "twadry" and "... and stupid!" – effectively throwing back in ada's face what she believes everyone thinks of her.

(obviously, as a very big and glaring sidenote, i believe prospero is aro/ace or just aromantic so OBVIOUSLY i am not bashing him for this. bros told her so many times that he doesn't want to be with her, let alone to be touched. that is a flaw in ada's character and is a reminder to us on the importance of boundaries!!!!)

so, ada is basically there, collapsed on the floor in a robe– effectively showing the most intimate and private part of herself as an insecure and lonely girl. and that's when she transforms.

i think it's interesting to understand how this most likely links to her life and how she died. so we know she was killed with an axe, most likely by the man she fell in love with and worked for, and how prospero's words in this situation, hurt her just the same as the words before her death. why?

because they remind ada of what she knows and fears she is: just a stupid, fake and cheap person who will never have the same status and respect as the people she pretends to be and surrounds herself by.

i think it's also interesting that she's clutching her stomach/torso here, and correct me if i'm wrong but that could be a potential signal to the part of her that was axed to death (?). no idea if that's a good shout or not but it's what i first thought!

anyways! now we move onto her spectre design!

first of all, her spectre design eats. like just a personal side note, i love it. it's just so gorgeous and i don't care if she's terrifying to some because to ME? to me, she's my gorgeous little pookie who can scream and show people their worst fears and she looks amazing whilst she does it <3

ok anyways, actual design.

to first understand her design, i thought i'd show you what banshee's traditionally in folklore look like!

typically, they are described in two ways. the first way is a youthful women with long black hair, blue eyes and just super pale. this description could also lose the blue eyes and just keep the black hair– either way the first depiction of a banshee is a super young woman.

this is not the one we're focussing on today folks!

we're going to focus on the second depiction. a hag/ old woman, with red cheeks, a grey cloak and a green dress, often seen to be combing her hair. banshee's throughout folklore are known to wail, scream and cry when a family member had died. to most, the banshee was a sign that death was coming to your household and they are known in myths and folklore as a predictor of death.

now, hold onto the green dress and look at ada's design real quick for me.

here we see a lot of green, which yay! definitely shows signs it comes from the second depiction. i think, on top of it being a nod to the second depiction, i think it could also be an allusion to something else: jealousy.

green symbolism in media can often vary, from meaning new life, luck and also jealousy. and i think if we take in the things ada screams whilst in her spectre form, such as this from episode 82:

you see there definitely is some sort of jealousy there, but this isn't something i necessarily want to focus on, it's just an observation i made that may or may not be true!

anyways, to continue, i want to look at ada's outfit when she's a banshee. i'm going to basically be making my notes i took last night look nicer.

(keep in mind that when i wrote these, my ideas were literally bouncing off my brain and sometimes they're a bit contradictory, but i think that's the beauty of my crack theory analysis!)

i think the act of almost showing her bones to the outside, there's a level of rawness to ada we don't usually see. her spectre form essentially gives her the power to scream out her anger, and by seeing her bones it's almost as if to say this is the ada she doesn't show people. this is the ada that she keeps to herself because god forbid anybody love her (because in life and death it's become abundantly apparent to her that nobody does seem to love that ada).

but then, what i thought was also a super cool thing as how the bones almost act like a corset!

then i got sad because i looked at the bows, and because something dawned on me and it made me start to frown. there was a sad realization to me as i looked at ada's spectre design that even in this all powerful form, she hasn't lost her insecurities, they just become more prevellant. because for all of the traditional wrinkles, hag-like appearance a banshee is meant to have, ada barely has any.

obviously this could be in part to character design and stuff, and yeah probably– but let me be sad!

because ada carries her frills and bows from life here because she doesn't want to be ugly, she doesn't want to be this creeping monster who rips apart people. because if she's not got her intelligence or status or anything going for her, she has her appearance and by god she's not going to let that go to waste. so here her spectre form is, a banshee.

so what must ada do? she must takes her frills and keep her insecurities, her fears and her crippling need to be loved.

another aspect which is super interesting is the stitching on her body. one one hand, it could be an allusion to her violent death, suggesting the man she fell in love with didn't just stop at axing her once, but just kept on fucking going (which, you know: fuck you, whoever you are).

but on the other hand, it could be a metaphor for ada's thinly veiled facade she puts on of being a prim and proper lady (which we actually, interestingly enough, see she looses a lot the more time she spends with montresor– opting to take parts of his language like "ain't" and "beggin'". this sort of leads on from previous ideas people have made of ada willing to change herself to be loved. she swaps civility for the wild wild west all for a bit of love).

ada offers up parts of herself in this metaphor. that's what she always does. she offers herself to the rich man she fell in love with, she offers herself up to prospero (again, look at the. side note. bro wasn't wrong for rejecting her he literally can't like her) and she offers herself up to the acolytes and she fucking barks for them (because i'm not over that).

piece by piece, she strips away everything she is until she literally is just skin and bone. and once she's torn herself apart, she needs to stitch herself back together– because it's against the facade she's put on to look so broken and messy. and so she repeats the cycle again, giving more and more until she is literally hanging on by a thread.

her powers are also super cool. traditionally, as i said, banshees wail when a family member is soon to die/has died, and is often like an omen/predictor of death. so yeah, ada having a banshee scream makes sense. but the whole 'fear itself' is also super cool. i kind of like that she has this– because its sort of satisfying for her, the girl who's been pushed over but still comes running back, to watch as people become paralysed with fear. idk, retribution or whatever.

i'm going to leave you with this not very profound thing i wrote last night (and then just some other mumblings):

i think that although spectres are super powerful and also just a very fantastic concept, they're also fragile. spectres are quite literally the monster inside of you. yet here ada's monster is, and with all her bows and revamped dress of a banshee (or potentially an allusion to her life as a maid) she tries desperately to be anything but that. because to here it's ugly and it's too much of her on display. and with some much of you on display comes the very fear that if you are hated, disliked or something repulsive, you no longer have anything to blame on anybody else. you just have yourself to blame.

(as morella says here in episode 88).

i'm not saying ada isn't deeply flawed, because she is. she has so much fucking baggage and insecurities that they literally forbid her from doing the right thing sometimes. i don't think she's a good person, but i also think that she has the opportunity to be a good person/ do a semi-good/ non-bad thing, and all she has to do is take it. but i also think it's nice how that's shown in her spectre design.

and, you know, if none of this makes sense, that's also fine!

anyways, yeah. somebody tell me never to make a random analysis at night again because it's a bit of a bitch to translate in the morning.

[sips-tea-cutely]

“I’m getting on the bus to the other world, see ‘ya!”

“What value is there to a life that wants to end? ‘That must suck.’ ‘I get it.’ Don't act as if you understand! In the end, after a few years, I'll still be suffering. So stab me, kill me, and take me away.

This is the only thing I thought to do, my first and final struggle in vain...”

a/n: basically just an emotional diary cause dazai’s the only thing my insane mind cam conjure up (cw: suicide duhh, overdosing, mentally ill pwp, im romanticizing my ideal partner)

dazai is so tired. acting as if being insulted constantly and getting bashed isn’t anything at all for the ‘second-most esteemed detective of the agency’ or the ‘mafia demon prodigy’.

“you know i’m human too, right, chūya?”

why could no one acknowledge how much he needs love, any kind of love— a miserable rope ties around his heart, pulling on it tighter every single second of every day. does no one truly care for him?

ahaha! how funny— to believe that someone really cared for him? with all of the wrongdoings he has committed and not to mention how utterly inhumane he looks. that could not possibly be him, right?

someone with such a dreaded mind and a pessimistic view could not possibly look like him, no, it must not!

the people he calls his allies are merely lying, of course! kunikida wouldn’t care at all if one day he had just dropped dead, in fact, he would probably sigh from overjoy that the annoyance known as osamu dazai has left the living world— chūya has always despised his partner in crime, he’d probably do the same thing that he had done when dazai left the mafia, open some expensive wine and celebrate the death of the maniac.

why has he continued living? the goal entrusted to him by his departed friend has started to stray from his mind; why must morals divide what is good and bad? why is it a so-called sin to kill yourself? what good is a life that has no aspiration of living if it’ll die anyways?

as he sits in his dorm room, empty bottles of sake and soju are all over any surface he was able to find, he lies in his futon, clothes and bandages soiled from sweat and tears.

he stares at the bottle of anti-depressants mori had given him four years ago.

“here, dazai. perhaps this will cure your burdens.”

what shitty advice. it was blatantly obvious that mori had only wanted him to live as his little mind toy, someone he could play with until it broke and he got bored.

opening the bottle, he shook around, looking at the ivory white tablets. “haah, fearing death— how silly of me.” he laughed to himself.

throwing each tab into his mouth, he watered it down with the little bit of sake left in his bottle.

slowly, his vision started to blur as his head became lightheaded. the heartbeat that dazai had normally been able to control started beating out of his chest— as if the tight rope around it had torn and burst from the sudden highs of dosulepin.

‘i’m sorry, odasaku. i could not keep my promise to you.”

white, the alcoholic scent of disinfectants, the flow of IV through his wrist, could this be doctor yosano’s office? no, yosano is definitely somewhere here but it’s not her office.

he’s in a hospital, and he’s still alive. lost in his own thoughts, dazai didn’t even hear yosano walk in.

“dazai, you’re awake. glad to know, s/o was worried sick when they found you in your dorm.” she explained, of course it was you who had brought him. although the both of you were often busy with your jobs, you still fawned over him and sent him endearing texts throughout the day— to let him know you cared.

he couldn’t believe it though. he truly believed everything you have told to him was a complete and utter lie. you were probably laughing about him in private, that’s the only way he could stay sane in his cruel version of reality anyways.

“i feel like i already know the answer but— why would you do this?” she sighed. “when s/o had found you, you were trembling and your heart was going over 80 beats per minute.” she said, reading through her diagnostic charts.

“isn’t it obvious, doctor yosano? i wanted to die. that’s all.” he said meekly (as meekly as someone outspoken like him could). obviously annoyed with his ideation for death, yosano had walked off into the waiting room, where you were waiting.

how shall he explain something such as this? you hated every self deprecating joke he had made, you hated how he had lied and deceived even people who trust him with their life, because you are the only one he has let know he is a fraud to humanity.

what would you say? something as idiotic as ‘i understand that the pain you’re going through is unbearable but—‘? haha, how hopeless that would be, wouldn’t it?

snapping out of his thoughts, your hand rests on the bed he’s sitting in. he didn’t even notice you walk in, the drugs must have done some sort of number on him, ahaha!

what will you say? why won’t you say anything? for once, dazai is scared. the painfully agonizing silence is the only thing that fills the bright room as he predicts your words.

will you break up with him? it wouldn’t be a surprise, dealing with someone as ‘sensitive’ (as mori would put it) would get annoying eventually.

“i hope you know i’m here for you, osamu.”

“what?” he responded. you’re here for him? …

“i’m just saying if you need someone to help you when you’re overwhelmed by your emotions, ill be here for you. i get that you don’t want someone to say ‘you’ll be okay’ when you probably aren’t. i’ll be here for when you’re exhausted, i don’t want you to die soon.”

the long rope clenched around his heart once more. this time it wasn’t from depression like it has been for years, it was from endearment, panic, adoration, love. osamu dazai loved you.

you weren’t able to instantaneously fill the hallow hole in his heart but slowly, you’d help him fix it and replace it with memories of you and him.

you could not fix his ideals but, you could make him stay— just one last time, and another, and another until he has spent so many nights he has almost completely forgotten of his grievances.

dazai was tired. but with you in his life, his burdens have felt just a little bit lighter. and he couldn’t really kill himself now and leave his light all alone, could he?

[moofshroom]

alright i wanna talk about sbi and the idea of death because each of their dream smp characters have relations with the subject and i find that interesting. 

first we have philza who has said himself, the only thing about his character is that he’s really fucking old. im going to interpret this as, phil is an immortal who’s lived several decades. his title in SMPearth was “the angel of death”. he reaps different souls, bringing closure upon countless lives. however, he is the idea of mourning. he’s lived years and have seen numerous people die, some by his own hands, and have wept over their deaths. he’s also notorious for having only one life (although it was a joke because hes the hardcore man, i’m going to take it seriously because i want to) he’s constantly on the verge of dying, but he hasn’t yet. he’s trapped in life. he’s seen worlds upon worlds, nations being created and then torn down, people who he’s befriended only to eventually see their end and mourn their passing. 

then, we have technoblade which should be pretty obvious. he’s the inciter of violence. he thirsts for blood. blood for the motherfucking blood god. if philza is peaceful death, death with closure (ex. wilbur) then techno is bloodshed. techno represents death by agony, death through war, pitiful death. techno doesn’t represent the sweet taking of death that philza represents but instead that sweeping, unexpected theft of life. it’s violent, it’s gruesome, it’s horrible, but it’s inescapable. it’s something that can’t be resisted just like how technoblade is unable to resist his desire for violence. you can’t run away from death and it’s something that comes eventually. 

if phil and techno represent mourning and death in itself, then wilbur represents the act of dying. all throughout the pogtopia arc, the audience can see wilbur’s character begin to lose his own mind, slowly deteriorating into a mindset with no return. we see him lose his own sense of humanity, showing little to no disregard for those around him, desensitized to what it is that he’s doing. wilbur is the idea of corruption. the pogtopia arc is a showing of him slowly losing his own self until he’s nothing but an empty husk. with nothing more to live for, with nothing left within himself, he pleads for his own death and the death of the nation that he birthed. even with ghostbur, ghostbur is the remnants of something that was once there. 

which brings us to tommy. tommy as a character himself is a depiction of naivety and the loss of childlike innocence due to the control of the adults around him and the situations that he’s put in. he’s constantly taunted by the idea of death, his whole exile arc circling around it. it was something so close. he’s had his two lives stripped from him at a young age. he’s watched the people he cared about lose their own lives and leave him behind. he’s seen the only home that he knew be torn down. however, he’s constantly told that it’s not his time to die. tommy is haunted by the idea of death, he’s the idea of living, but living with that burden on his shoulders. 

to sum up: tommy is the witness of death, wilbur is the act of dying, techno is the bringer of death, and philza is the idea of mourning. this was my interpretation of their characters and how i think they all link back to this overarching theme, but if you have another idea in mind, i would love to hear about it. this just came to me i thought it was cool and not something to be taken seriously :] 

[endlich-allein]

Interview with Till about his life: he fought with his father, killed his beloved dog, swam on a wild river and worked on suffering. How Till Lindemann's mind works

"I will finish you off" and why you fought for the German army.

Werner Lindemann wanders around the room, interrupting the silence with strange questions, writing something down. His motive is to get to know his son and make him a friend. But it's complicated. Generational conflict.

"My island of tranquility is shaken every day. The day before yesterday, a guy pulled on my socks because his were torn. Yesterday he didn't put out a single lamp in the house. Now, with voluptuous delight, he spits cherry pits into the cat's fur. Is this grown boy really an adult?"

The apprenticeship in Rostock, where you have to do window production after graduation, is the limit of boredom. Till Lindemann moved to his father in the countryside so that he could forget about the hustle and bustle of the city and not fall under the article for anti-social attitudes. He thought of a new life, in which there was no pointless work, and arranged an attic in his father's house.

In the mornings over coffee, he scolded life that everything went according to schedule. And listened very loudly to music - electronics and metal. My father didn't understand and grumbled: “I matured late. Naturally, I wanted to listen to the music I liked, but I could not get my hands on these records. For example, my father did not understand when I bought the Alice Cooper record for a month's salary.

Werner Lindemann was a children's writer who went through the war.

At the height of his career he disappeared for weeks on literary tours - his fame spread to teachers and librarians across the country. His father pecked at Lindemann for refusing to work and promised to turn him in:

"My willful child. What doesn't fit his standards is rejected as nonsense or crap." So he took a job as a carpenter, where he made shovel cuttings and cart wheels. The head foreman constantly drank vodka during the day, didn't want to be annoyed with questions and addressed the long-haired Lindemann with the nickname: "Mozart!" This suited him.

Werner Lindemann talked about war, hard existence and limitations. For example, about a grenade splinter that remained in his body. Lindemann did not believe in all these stories - but categorically did not accept service, war and murder:

“After that I objected: “I would hide, I would not go to war. Why did you even let yourself be dragged into this? You could have hidden."

And he said: “It didn't work out. They searched for it and it took away."

Then I said: “I would rather go under arrest. Never in my life, I would go to the front line to shoot people. It's against my nature. It would be better if I went to jail."

Much of the time father and son were simply silent, even while watching television.

"He regularly made me feel guilty, to say the least, he placed himself on a pedestal towards me: I shouldn't complain. At your age, I ran barefoot through the stubble, and in my stomach - a potato in a uniform."

The only acceptance is Mike Oldfield's music: "One day my father came to grumble again. At that moment I was listening to Mike Oldfield, and he sat down and said: "That sounds interesting."

For me it was like a quantum leap: my father sits in my room, listens to my music and thinks it was good. Probably because of melancholy. He was sitting in a rocking chair that I made myself - at the time I was working as a carpenter on a farm. I, too, always sat in an armchair, immersed myself in music and smoked hand-rolled cigarettes."

The conflict was intensified by a fight. Lindemann bought a Trabant car, installed speakers in it and tested the sound - loud as usual. “Then my father came and I had to turn off this fucking music. It was kind of loud for him. He was then fiddling around his cases of flowers, and then suddenly the situation escalated. I think he slapped me while I was still in the car.

He leaned toward me and hit me with the back of his hand. I made some bullshit remarks like, "Leave me alone," something like that. That was a provocation to him, and he said: "If you do that again, I'll hit you for real." And I said, "Then you'll get it back. Because you're crazy. Don't you dare to hit me anymore."

And then he hit me with his palm again. He wasn't controlling himself.

He was exalting himself. Instantly he introduced himself as a boxer - he had boxed in the Hitler Youth - and I just... I thought I didn't hit him, I just pushed him away. And then he stood in front of me again, "Come on, I'll finish you, you haven't got a chance!" Somehow. After that, he went up to the attic and threw all my stuff out the window.

It happened over the weekend, my sister was there, a lot of screaming, serious drama. Then I packed my things, put them in the car, went to a friend's house and never went into his house again. At first I lived with this friend, and a week later I bought myself a house in the village."

His father's book is about his son, which the son will only open up after the death of the father.

Lindemann is a late child. He was born when his father was 36. The gap in their relationship was felt in everyday life and perception of the world. Werner Lindemann woke up early in the morning, worked with the circular saw under the windows and did not understand when his son slept until noon after a working week.

Lindemann's parents then lived separately, but kept in touch. Mom worked as a journalist and discussed her texts with his father. "She still lived in Rostock and always came to see him only on weekends. Mostly on Sundays she came back quite early, because she couldn't stand the stress of being with him, either."

In 1988, the book “Mike Oldfield im Schaukelstuhl Notizen eines Vaters" In this book, Lindemann Senior describes the relationship with his son (whom he calls Timm in the book), who settled with him at the age of 18. The book was written in the 80s and laid on the table until the German Democratic Republic and the Federal Republic of Germany were reunited.

Werner Lindemann wanted his son to take up writing too. But this only amused him, although as a child he wrote poetry. At the age of 13, little Till Lindemann and his father were returning home along the bumpy road to Mecklenburg. They talked about career self-determination:

"You should already have thoughts about what you want to become, boy." My answer: "I don't know yet, maybe a fisherman on the high seas."

But immediately, no matter what I said, objections arose: “But then you have to get a certificate of maturity. But then you will be away all the time. But then you won't be able to start a relationship."

There was always a “but”.

At some point it got on my nerves, as usual. And I said: "Worst case scenario, I'll just become a writer.

I still remember how alienated his face became. "And what do you think then, what do I do! It's a very hard job! In fact, it's not even a job, it's a passion. And it's a job that's supposed to be enjoyable."

I said, "I don't know anybody who works with pleasure."

"Yeah, that's the problem. You have to look for a job that gives you pleasure." Then I say again, "But some people never get to choose..." This gigantic discussion happened because I didn't take his profession seriously. At the same time, he was completely lost, funny!"

Lindemann thoughtfully read his father's book, in which he comprehends their relationship, after his death. Faked for hidden anger and indecision. For example, in a situation where their dog Kurt was bitten by a fox. The father was frightened because of rabies: “At the same time, we did not even know whether he was bitten by a fox or not. The father immediately called the huntsman. But I said: no one will enter this courtyard and shoot the dog. I'll do it myself if I really need it. At some point I really had to kill the dog."

Lindemann is not a monster. The animals he fiddled with are an important attribute of childhood. He had an aquarium and hamsters, brought mice and rats home, and was friends with dogs. “Like many children of new buildings, he felt the need for someone alive, in need of love,” said Werner Lindemann. Sometimes the appearance of an animal in the house was surprising:

“This guy will never say what he's up to. He appears on the doorstep at the same time as me. He gets out from his vehicle, throws his coat open and puts a young black shepherd in my hands. "Your Christmas present!"

Till's father is speechless. My son stands before me like the sun's little brother. Touchingly concerned, he directs me into the house, working out a plan for the animal husbandry, accommodation and diet of our new pet housemate.

With confusion, a question flies from my lips, "Wheredid you get the dog from?" "Timm" is gibbering, "Imagine, the mason in the barnyard wanted to hang him, simply wanted to strangle him with a rope, said he was a worthless eater..."

Werner Lindemann died of stomach cancer in 1993, when his son was 30. They didn't finally reconcile, but Till visited him in his last days and was there for him with his mother: "They couldn't be without each other, even though they lived apart. Unreal, but my mother never had another man afterwards. To this day she can't let go of him."

- Not going to the Olympics in Moscow and ending up in the German ghetto

Lindemann had the knowledge and the potential to be a swimmer. And a shyness that pounded harder three days before the competition than concerts in front of crowds of thousands. "I know how difficult it is to develop willpower and stamina and instill those attributes. In the GDR this was instilled in us by coaches and so-called functionaries."

Lindemann came to swimming at the age of eight and devoted his entire youth to the sport. He would get up for training at five in the morning and pass out in the evening. His grandmother watched him from the stands. At a competition in Leipzig she shouted at the coach, who told Lindemann off for a poor result. The grandmother took the coach by the ear and said: "How do you talk to my grandson?"

Sports tightened up his upbringing and developed self-discipline. “Drilling - probably the boy has already received this experience as a swimmer,” Lindemann's father wrote. - Once he had to take second place in a competition, but by no means first place. Of course, he got carried away, forgot about it, became the first, thanks to which he received a shouting for indiscipline. And whenever he lost in the future, his coach would torture him at practice for a long time and yelled at him: "Even if you win, you're not a winner yet!"

Lindemann swam the 1.5 km freestyle and could have gone to the 1980 Olympics in Moscow. Everything was ruined when he left the hotel without permission during a competition in Florence: "I didn't want to run, but just wanted to look at the city. Cars, bikes, girls. I was caught and kicked out of the team, but then I didn't give the required results either."

Lindemann competed at the European Junior Championships, but did not go any higher. After the story in Florence, his career in sport slipped away. Perhaps an abdominal injury influenced his departure. Lindemann is gone, but he doesn't yearn: "I was relatively young. There were no good [memories] left. I was glad it was over."

"The hardest part was getting back to normal. I fell into a real hole. My home was no longer a sports school, but a ghetto in Rostock. Now I stood out through drinking and fighting. I used to be surrounded only by beautiful ladies who were interested in swimming. Now I had fierce women standing in front of me asking, "How come you don't drink?" When I was shy about approaching a girl, it was interpreted as: "Are you gay?"

Lindemann now works with a coach and swims a few kilometers before his tours to get in shape: "When I exercise, I feel a certain lightness - not only physically, but also mentally. I just feel better. The main problem is staying in shape. That's where self-discipline comes into play. Teeth grinding is important."

- Three weeks in the wild and loneliness as a creative tool

Emotionally, concerts = sports:

"How do I go on tour? Hungry. And happy. It is good to compare concerts with sport. You don't want to do both at first. You don't want to go on stage. You don't want to go to the pool. You don't want to go to the boxing ring. It all happens with reluctance. It has to be accepted somehow, that's life: spring, summer, fall, winter.

When it's done, winter's gone, the blooming begins, greenery appears, it gets bright, and you start to get a taste for it. When it's over, you feel happy. Then the body produces a sea of chemistry, a lot of happiness hormones. I think the body rewards itself."

The stage, like sports, is an embarrassment, but a necessity. Lindemann wore dark glasses in order to collect fewer views from the audience. Therefore, a couple of steps before the water, he looked at the pool with a shiver. You need to cope with yourself in order to open up to new emotions.

Lindemann's gut requires solitude and moderate solitude. This is the point:

“Loneliness is always good for a creative push - you drink a glass of wine and you feel even shitier. Art is not complete without suffering; art exists to compensate for suffering."

With his friend Joey Kelly, Lindemann spent three weeks on the Yukon River. They paddled through the wilderness in a kayak for eight to 10 hours each and lived in a tent. Lindemann didn't take a tape recorder with him, so he transferred the lyrics wandering in his head on paper.

They were catching inspiration and atmosphere:

"There were times when we wouldn't say a word for hours, but then: look there, look there! It was breathtakingly beautiful. These relatively fast-changing panoramas and skies, layers of clouds, the colors.

Except for a few bears and wolves, it's hard to see anyone else out there, it's exhilarating. Along the way we saw two hunters setting traps. No one else.

I grew up in the countryside, and I have a very strong connection to nature. I love fishing, hunting. It's an archaic experience that I like to revisit over and over again. When I'm in the city for too long, I start to miss it."

To recreate situations in the Yukon, Lindemann and Kelly trained for nine months on the Rhine river in Germany because of its liveliness.

"We went down the Rhine to where the transport ships create huge bow waves. If we hadn't had a coach with us, we probably would have been sunk by the side wave impact already during our first attempt," Lindemann said.

Together with Kelly, he had four sessions with two coaches and swam from Cologne to Koblenz [more than 100 kilometers by car]. Lindemann trained separately each week on the lakes in Mecklenburg. It's both physically challenging and savage identical to being natural.

In 2015, Till started his solo project Lindemann. On the album Skills In Pills, the song Yukon was released, in which the lyrics appeared first, and then the music.

- "My lyrics come from pain rather than desire."

The country boy is big and not much of a talker. That's how the Rammstein members saw him at the start, when they were hanging out at home. "He looked cool, like a big peasant talking one sentence an hour," keyboard player Christian "Flake" Lorenz recalled. - He always had food and vodka. He'd just steal a couple of ducks somewhere and cook them on a tray. And then, frozen like in Sleeping Beauty, there were people lying in corners and on trunks in his house."

Lindemann loves and appreciates home gatherings. This came from my father, who always had guests. “In my opinion, this is the little bit that I inherited from him. Throwing parties and gathering people. Throwing parties and getting people together. He just enjoyed being a good host. The house was always full of guests from Leipzig, from Rostock, foreign guests, even from Kazakhstan.

It was always exciting for him. He stood at the stove, cooked, bought an abundance of wine, and there was always a fire in the garden. At some point he stopped drinking, then he left the party at 21:00 and the whole company continued to feast. And in the morning he got up at four, cleaned and tidied up."

Till Lindemann is about self-digging, overcoming and childish shyness, which is covered by a pumped-up figure of a swimmer. This is how Lindemann decrypts himself:

• “And I really am like a big child - ill-mannered, but harmless. People think that I am always strong, explosive. This is not true. I am sensitive and easily hurt, but in love I am romantic and passionate."

• “At the very beginning, you sit somewhere in a dark room, open a bottle of wine and figure out how to make the lyrics popular with the music. At first you only have a vague idea of ​​what it could be.

And when, three years after recording, mixing, and more mixing, developing the artwork, all this nonsense, then you stand on stage, and what you came up with then really works, when you manage to get 20 thousand people to raise their hands, then you experience incredible sensations."

• “Art is a kind of therapy.

When I feel that something is arising inside me, domineering and is most often dark, I need to give it a way out, otherwise it will simply crush me. So destruction and self-destruction are the two pillars on which my creativity is based.

But everyone chooses this for himself.

• “My lyrics arise from feelings and dreams, but still more from pain than by desire. I often have nightmares, and I wake up at night sweating, as I see terrible bloody scenes in my dreams. My lyrics are a kind of valve for the lava of feelings in my soul.

We are all struggling to hide behind good manners and outward decency, but in fact we are governed by instincts and feelings: hunger, thirst, horror, hatred, the desire for power and sex. Of course, there is also additional energy in us - this is love. Without it, all human feelings would fade away."

- "When you're constantly living someone else's life, it's very hard to get back into your own skin. I like that in principle, but sometimes you start to get confused - are you out of a role or not yet. You're already Till, or you're still a homicidal maniac."

- "I hate the noise. I hate the chatter. I expose myself to it, which is pure masochism. And then I have to protect myself from it. Noise makes you crazy. You die in it."

• “I think there is no God. And if he is and actually allows all the misfortunes on this earth, then he must punish me along with other sufferings. I will not pray to such a god."

This is how the members of Rammstein see Till - flexible and with a split personality:

Guitarist Paul Landers: "Till is so good that when you let him know that his lyrics should go in a different direction, the very next day he brings a new version of the song."

Guitarist Richard Kruspe: “He's a hell of an extreme man. He dives very deeply into situations where I cannot follow him. Everything he does is very extreme; I don't know anyone who does it. "

Drummer Christoph Schneider: "I would not want to be in Till's shoes: his soul is tormented by doubts and contradictions, he is equally a moralist and a monster."

June 1, 2021 - Translate by Lindemann Belgium

[nerdgirlnarrates]

I’m genuinely very torn between family med/IM and neurosurgery right now. I realize this sounds insane. I’ve made a little pros and cons list for now to help me sort it out.

Disclaimer 1: I know that FM and IM are different, but a lot of the things that appeal to me about them are common to both specialties, so they’re lumped together for this list.

Disclaimer 2: this is based on incomplete information since I’ve only shadowed neurosurgery and have yet to do the elective. Though I shadowed for a stupid long time, it’s still not the same as the elective.

FM/IM PROS

Breadth and variety - get to know every organ system, treat lots of different pathologies

Relationships with patients - I get all kinds of warm and fuzzies from gaining someone’s trust and helping them manage an illness/improve their health/etc.

Much more obvious connection to public health - I feel like my medicine-adjacent interests of sexual violence prevention and health education fit much more neatly with these specialties, and I’d probably run across more opportunities to be involved in public health in these specialties

Community health research - along the same lines as above, these specialties fit better/more easily with community health research, which I love

Mix of primary care and hospital work - I enjoy both settings a lot, so it’d be nice to have a little of both

Better lifestyle? - I think in theory I would have more time outside of work in FM or IM. But I’ve also read that PCPs work an average of 60-70 hours per week, so I’m not convinced of this. And truthfully, I don’t care that much. If I’m in a specialty I like, I will happily work long hours the rest of my life. This one barely made the list.

FM/IM CONS

No surgery - I really love surgery, and I would be really sad to give it up. I know you can do procedural stuff or procedure-heavy subspecialties, but it’s really not the same as surgery, like scrubbing in and spending hours in an OR. Plus, most of the procedure-heavy subspecialties don’t hold a lot of appeal for me, and they would require me giving up the breadth that’s a lot of the appeal of FM/IM in the first place

Potentially having to refer the most interesting stuff to specialists - obviously this is necessary, but I still love a good zebra

The Crushing Weight of the American Healthcare System ™ which falls smack on the shoulders of primary care - it’s really difficult to be constantly kneecapped in your ability to care for patients by insurance companies and a general lack of funding for preventative care

Setting - I think I would greatly prefer to work in an academic setting for the aforementioned access to research as well as the potential for zebras. I feel a little embarrassed admitting this, but I worry I would get bored too easily of the bread and butter stuff. And I’m just not sure I could swing an academic job.

NSGY PROS

Surgery! - Once on gyn surg they let me place a trochar and it was the greatest high of my life. Surgery is just so thrilling to me, even when it’s something I’ve seen dozens of times, even when we’ve been in the OR for 8+ hours. I really love that surgery offers both intellectual and physical challenges; you work on your clinical reasoning alongside a sort of craftsmanship. Plus, I love anatomy (especially neuroanatomy. Yes really.) Surgery is super engaging, stimulating, and rewarding for me.

The brain - the brain is my absolute favorite organ, and I find it endlessly fascinating. I would love to know everything there is to know about the brain, and I can easily see myself studying it forever.

Neuroscience research - related to the above, I love neuroscience research, although truthfully I don’t know if I love it quite as much as community health research, and I’m definitely not as good at it as I am at community health research. Still, I enjoy it a lot, and I would like to be better.

I love the bread and butter - I really think everything in neurosurgery is cool and interesting and I would love to do it. I can see myself satisfied in pretty much any practice setting doing anything neurosurgery.

NSGY CONS

Narrower focus - I would be trading breadth of knowledge for depth, and I worry I would really miss the rest of medicine. This is a big question for me when I take the elective: how much medicine will I get to use in neurosurgery?

Less clear connection to community health research/health education work - I don’t know that it’d be impossible to do this work, but I definitely think my opportunities would be limited, and it would be more difficult to incorporate this into my career.

No primary care - obviously

Please feel free to chime in with any thoughts.

[cuddlesslut]

Part Five: Friends

Atsumu x fem reader, Suna x fem reader , Hinata x fem reader

A/N: ahh this took me so long to write sorry guys! Been having a tough few days. But we are back in the game. So This chapter is mainly the relationship between Hinata and YN! I love Hinata so much im actually thinking about making another series with him after this one is done. Let me know if y’all would be interested. I decided to put a little NSFW scene in but there is a warning.

Warnings: Angst, some fluff, Smut. And more Angst.

Part Four: Chance Encounters

Part Six: Promises

The night you spent with Hinata is no less than amazing. You don’t remember passing out, but your eyes open from your groggy sleep. It takes you a moment to register that this is not your room. Your eyes widened realizing you had stayed the night which was not something you’d had planned on. You take in your surroundings Hinata lays behind you and arm draped over your waist. Your heart speeds up as you understand how close he is to you, his face nuzzled close to your neck. You could feel his light snores. Oh my goodness! You screamed in your head IM IN A MANS BED! AND HES CUDDLING ME! You had never slept with anyone other than Atsumu let alone cuddled. So this was a lot to process. The hardest thing to understand was why it felt so nice in his arms. You quickly shook that thought out of you mind, you probably were just touched starved you rationalized. That’s why you lie to yourself when his grip on your waist tightens and he pulls you closer to his chest, saying it doesn’t make your heart flutter your just nervous.

“Good morning,” he smiles his voice gruff from sleep. “What time is it,” he questions seeing that you had already been awake for a moment.

“I’m not sure,” you admitt rubbing your head, a twinge of pain zinging threw you. You were slightly startled when he leaned over your body reaching for his phone on the nightstand. A heat creeped onto your cheeks at the proximity of your naked bodies only a sheet separating him from your sight. Although the tenderness between your legs showed that you two had been plenty close the prior night. Thinking of some the activities that transpired last night caused more embarrassment to consume you. You did things with this complete stranger that had taken you forever to work yourself up to with Tsumu. You body was sore from the multiple rounds the ginger had put you through, his stamina was insane, although you couldn’t complain he aimed to please. He laid back down in his spot next to you checking his phone.

“It’s about to be 9:30, he yawns rubbing the sleep from his warm chestnut eyes. You peek over at him getting a better look of his physique in the daylight. Your eyes widened because damn was he hot. He laid on his side propped up on one elbow as he stared at the screen of his device. Your eyes trailed down his exposed chest and abdomen his defined abs and pecks on full display for you. As you look farther down the blanket falls carelessly over his lap one leg peeking out. You raised an eyebrow at the little peek of a tan line you could see. You were broke from you trance as he asks you a question.

“You wanna go get some breakfast?,” your eyes widened “ I’d offer to cook but my fridge is still pretty empty and plus my cooking sucks I’d hate to make you suffer through that,” he chuckled. It was too much this is supposed to be just sex, and breakfast sounds to much like a date, too domestic. You sit up quickly holding the sheet to your chest.

“Ah no I can’t, i-I uhhh need to go,” you stammered looking around the room for your clothes.

“Hey, hey it’s fine,” he try’s to calm you seeing how anxious you are. “you stay right here I’ll go grab your clothes and let you get changed,” he said standing pulling a pair of boxers on. You nodded and steadied your breathing as he went to gather your outfit from last night.

“There you go that should be everything,” he laid the pile on the bed next to you, “uhh sorry about your underwear,” he smiled nervously reaching his hand up to rub the back of his neck. You looked down at the pair of torn lace panties siting at the top of the pile.

You returned an embarrassed smile, “it’s okay,” you assure him.

“Well I’ll be in the kitchen making some coffee, uh the restroom is right out the door to the left if you need it, uhh take your time,” he said excusing himself to give you some privacy.

You take a moment to breath before you start to dress yourself. It felt a little strange to not have on underwear but you guess it’s a small price to pay for the pleasure you felt last night. You won’t lie you definitely needed that stress relief. You quickly finished putting yourself together before exiting the room seeing Hinata standing there at the counter full of confidence for being in only boxers with coffee mug in hand you notice his smile that never seems to stray far from his face just as present.

“Would you like a cup,” he asked gesturing to the still half full pot of coffee.

You smile politely smile before shaking your head no. “Uh I need to get going I have class today, but ..” you trail off trying to figure out how to word what needs to come next. “umm look thank for the offer for breakfast and you know for last night,” he breaks into a big smirk at the mention of last night’s activities. “ but I’m not looking for a relationship so it’s probably best we leave it off here,” still smiling, yet not as big as before, he nods. You breath a sigh of relief.

“No worries I get it.”

“Well in that case, goodbye Shoyo, see ya,” you gave a small wave before exiting his apartment.

Hopefully, Hinata thinks to himself wanting to in deed see you again.

As much as you swore it was a one time occurrence you kept finding yourself back in Shoyo's bed. It was always the same you’d head to your bar, sit in your usual spot, order your usual drink and before long you’d see the orange haired man take his seat next to you. The first time you saw him after your lust filled night together was rather awkward. You were surprised when he sat to you and struck up a conversation like you hadn’t had a one night stand just last week. But the chatting was always so easy going you honestly didn’t mind having him around. Plus with him there less men were trying to chat you up. That second time you met him you told yourself you’d keep your pants on but a couple drinks and several laughs later you’d find yourself in his bed with the ginger in between your legs. You could never find it in yourself to be angry at yourself afterwards ,And while this started happening more frequently it was rare you’d stay the night like that first time. Usually getting an Uber home after getting dicked down. You couldn’t lie it was exhilarating being with Shoyo. Although if you were still pretty hammered Hinata would insist you stay not wanting something bad to happen on your way home. He’d offer you his bed while he opted for the couch. Eventually your routine changed you both swapped numbers and soon enough you weren’t meeting at the bar before heading to his place you weren’t needing the aid of alcohol to loosen you up before finding yourself in his bed... or his shower or really any surface in his apartment. You were both insatiable. In time you weren’t rushing away immediately after. Choosing to indulge him , you’ve come to realize that Hinata really enjoyed cuddling and aftercare. Always lighting up when you’d let him pamper you after a particularly rough or extensive session. He’d gladly spoil you after every round but you were still hesitant on to much intimacy. But occasionally you’d satisfy his want for cuddles. Although you’d deny it you rather enjoyed laying in his embrace feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat lull you to sleep. That was another change you no longer accepted him sleeping on the couch when you stayed overnight not wanting to be an inconvenience but also knowing he’d never allow you to take the couch you stopped him one night stating that you’d like him to stay. His eyes lit up as he pounced back into the bed.

But you stayed firm in the fact that you weren’t looking for a relationship and he assured you that he understood and was okay with the arrangement. And that’s how it’s been for the last two months. It had been seven months since your relationship with Atsumu had ended and you would have never guessed that in seven month you’d be in a casual friends with benefits relationship with Hinata. And that’s what you would call yourselves, Hinata was your friend and you his. You steadily got to know each other more and more about each other’s lives. You were a little concerned when you found out it wasn’t solely beach volleyball he played but you put your worries to the side volleyball was a big enough sport. Right? All in all you’d say slowly but surely you were getting happier. You found yourself thinking of you know who less, and some of the pain was starting to subside. Although that distrust was still there. You were still broken. As close as you and Sho got there was still part of you that couldn’t trust yet. How did you know he wouldn’t get bored of you just like the setter had. You weren’t ready to put yourself up to get hurt again. You wanted to trust Hinata he was an amazing guy so kind and understanding never pushing you past what you were comfortable with. He constantly looked out for you checking on you during some of your intense study sessions as you readied for finals always making sure you were taking care of yourself and not overworking. If you stayed over he’d always make sure to set an extra alarm so you wouldn’t be late for class or work. It meant so much to you how much he cared but you just couldn’t believe in it , you had believed that Atsumu cared about you yet that was a lie. Who’s to say this wouldn’t end up just the same. That’s why you wanted to just be friends, a small part still kept a window of hope open that one day it may be more but it wouldn’t be fair to Hinata to bring up any of this while filled with so much uncertainty.

NSFW below if you’d rather not read it skip the first three paragraphs.

You laid there breaths ragged as Hinata pinned you to the bed your legs pressed to your chest as he pounded into you relentlessly. This was his favorite position he loved being so close to you being able to see all of the pleasure in your face as he worked your body over, your tits bouncing to the rhythm he set.

“Sho,” you moaned your thoughts clouded as he built up yet another orgasm, this was your third one since you had stepped foot into his bedroom.

“What’s that baby?” He smirks as he see you struggle to form words. He loved making you like this. Eyes crossed as you gasped for air, craving the release he’d give you. “Fuck beautiful you know how much I love it when your so fucked out you can’t speak straight,” he laughed. You smile at him happy to provide him with what he likes. Hinata was getting lost in his lust. He freed one of your legs letting it rest against his shoulder as he grabbed his headboard for a better angle as he started drilling into you. A loud whimper ripped threw you. You felt so full as his cock reached so deep into you. You knew you were done for and Sho could tell as well , “ that’s it beautiful go ahead and cum for me, fuck your so gorgeous like this,” he groaned as he followed you into his own release spilling himself into the condom.

You laid there breathless. Hinata stood disposing of the used rubber, he exited the room going to grab a soft wet rag and a glass of water making sure to clean and rehydrate you before climbing back into bed and pulling you onto his chest. You both laid there for a while catching you breath, your head resting on his chest arm wrapped around him as you nuzzled further into him. You could feel his heartbeat start to stabilize. He trailed one his hand up and down your back in a very soothing pattern. It felt amazing honestly laying here with him was better than anything you had ever experienced with Tsumu.

You couldn’t see it but Hinata laid there with the goofiest grin as much as he loved sex with you this was his favorite part. Holding you in his arms so tight calming you while you are still so vulnerable. He wishes it could be like this all the time. That he could wrap his arms around you at anytime to hold you whenever he wants, to wake up to your beautiful bed head. He pushes those thoughts to the side as much as he wants you to be his he knows you aren’t ready and the last thing he’d want to do is rush you. You had told him a while back about your ex and everything he had put you threw and how betrayed you were by his actions. You never told him who your ex was and he didn’t ask it wasn’t his place you’d tell him if he needed to know and he knew that. He hated how much your ex had broken you but all he wanted to do was to do his best to fix the damage done. As much as he wanted to be able to call you his , he was happy to wait.

You were finally back to normal but you weren’t ready to leave his embrace. You decided to strike up a some casual pillow talk. You asked him about his day, how his morning run had went. He asked if you were excited about graduation seeing as it was only a month away. You told him about some annoying customers you had at the cafe this morning. You were smiling up at him laughing at the story story he was telling when his eyes lit up!

“That’s right I haven’t told you yet but I made it through try outs!” He boasted. “ I made the team!” You could see the happiness radiating off of him. For some reason you got an unsettling feeling in your gut. You put it to the side.

“THATS AMAZING SHO!” You yelled launching forward wrapping him in a tight hug. “What team?”

“I’ll be playing for the MSBY Black Jackels,” he grins. You feel everything slow down. The words are still processing in your mind. No it can’t be! Why? Why did it have to be his team! Out of all the teams in Japan why did Hinata have to go to the one who’s starting setter ruined you. Suddenly all of the thoughts and memories of Atsumu that had been hidden from you recently came crashing back to you. You wanted nothing to do with him. You couldn’t do it, for the same reason you had pushed away all of your friends and uprooted your life you couldn’t do this, you couldn’t let him back into your life you weren’t nearly ready for him to be in anyway connected to your life. All of the these overwhelming thoughts at were crashing over you were interrupted when Hinata asked his question. One you knew the answer to but couldn’t give to him.

“We have a game next week, would you come watch me play?” He smiled at you. You looked up at him saddness in your eyes. You quickly stood up gathering and putting on your clothes. Stammering for a response. Hinata sat up in alarm at your sudden actions he could sense something wasn’t right. He waits for you to speak seeing you try to form your words. Now fully dressed. You looked up at him his normally smiling face wasn’t there instead it was a face of worry.

“ I-I can’t Shoyo, I can’t go to your game,” you looked around grabbing your purse and phone, “I need to go Sho.” Hinata was now standing he was so confused everything was just fine what had gone wrong. Had he pushed you to far? Was inviting you to his game to intimate?

“Wait YN,” he said reaching for you he need to know you were okay.

“ I’m so so sorry Shoyo I just need to leave, I’m so sorry,” you said frantically looking into his eyes trying to truly express your sincerity in your apology. It wasn’t his fault. He was just excited about his dream and here you were ruining the moment. You always ruin everything you chastised yourself. With one last woeful look you were gone out the door. Hinata was left there in utter confusion. He let out a sigh before sitting back down on the bed letting out a groan of frustration.

You closed the door to your apartment with a thud finally allowing the tears you were keeping in to flow free. You kicked off your shoes before throwing yourself onto your bed. You let out a scream of frustration into your pillow as sobs over came you. The exhaustion of the day took you over and soon you were out like a light.

You woke up a couple hours later it was only around seven o’clock and your stomach was growling. This wasn’t going to be a good night. You look at your phone seeing several texts and a missed call from the ginger. You let out a groan, first you needed food and then you needed booze. You went to your bathroom taking a quick shower finally cleaning your post sex body. Before putting on a simple outfit. You slipped out your apartment door and out into the Tokyo night. You stopped at one of your favorite food stalls getting a small bowl of ramen to warm your tired soul. Normally you’d head to your Usual bar but you couldn’t there was the chance of running into Shoyo there and that’s not something you were ready for. You pulled out your phone finding a bar not to far out of your area, it had a sleeker vibe but maybe a little change would be good. So with that you head straight there. Its more crowded than what you were used to. It had a more lively crowd than you local bar. There were couples dancing and large groups of friends standing around and laughing. You head to the bar starting off with two shots straight back to back. Tonight wasn’t a night you wanted to go easy. You sat down at the bar nursing the drinking you had just ordered. You thought back to the incident with Hinata, he must hate you, you figured. He was always there for you yet one mention of you ex and you couldn’t even suck it up to be happy for him. You hated that. He deserved better than what you gave him. You were getting lost in your thoughts letting you mind go down a rabbit hole. Finally you looked up from your drink eyes scanning the bar. And that’s when it happens your eyes lock onto each other from the other side of the bar. It felt like all the air in your lungs suddenly evaporated. It felt unreal like you weren’t really seeing him standing there. He looked just as stunned like he had just seen a ghost. He snaps out of his first and when he starts to walk towards you it finally hits you that it’s really him. You finally breath and when you do his name leaves your lips.

“Suna,”

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[sweettodo]

waitwaitWAITTT I got an idea👹

sOoo

a hc where Levi / Eren / Armin / Mikasa ‘s S/O was reported missing on an expedition—and about a week (or something idk) later, their S/O came back.

THAT WAS ALL I HAD IM SO SORRY ANYWAYS UHM HI ILY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

HIII how are you? and i hope you’re taking care of yourself as well pls ily. here you go kitten :D

- “get off of me! i told you! i told you something was wrong!” tearing and prying against his fellow scouts. multiple people needed to hold eren down, he was determined to go find you himself. there is no way you’d just not come back with the group, something was wrong.

- warning him multiple times to stay out while a group went out looking for you after getting separated from the group. he was a rabid animal, not stopping until measures had to be taken.

- he ended up being handcuffed so he wouldn’t turn into titan for to jump over the wall himself and look for you, screaming at anyone who came close to him to unlock him.

- day by day eren turns more and more mad, breaking the handcuffs and escaping, prying open the door they were keeping him locked behind.

- soon a week goes by, your boyfriend won’t leave his bed, eat, shower, he doesn’t talk to anyone as he believes that you’re dead- eaten up by a titan.

- he cries almost all day, stuck under the blankets in his room as he refuses to accept his own reality. he doesn’t even know how he can make it through the day at this point.

- the day a group goes out to try and locate you, you find yourself speeding down a trail on the back of your horse, blood all over you, clothes torn, dirt in every crevice of your beaten and bruised body.

- eren’s door swings open, he doesn’t bother moving, you cry out to him and he’s jumping out of bed, arms engulfing you as you finally reunite with eren.

- eren a crying mess, his bones still week from the cuffs, and then not moving at all, he could pass out from seeing you again, like you came, swooped him up and saved his life.

- pacing back and fourth around the room, his hands ripping at his scalp as hes hyperventilating, realizing you were well over your mission time. you should’ve been back.

- no one attempts to talk to him, knowing he will not reciprocate.

- brainstorming on where you are, how long you can go without water, food, are you with your horse? are you hurt?

- he didn’t sleep, constantly on his feet, meeting with levi and some more cadets, he needed to save you as soon as possible.

- although he tried to keep alert, his head was spinning, he didn’t even know if he were really blinking or not, was he even awake?

- day by day, no sleep, repeat, no sleep, repeat, his hands trembling as he imagines the worst, you were gone.

- you fought like hell, trying to avoid titans as you huddled under trees or behind rocks, drinking and eating what you could get your hands on, only knowing what and what not to eat because armin taught you everything you needed to know.

- you were staying strong for armin, but it was hard. no way to get back home because your horse had been hurt, gear demolished, no weapons, a missing shoe.

- only moving at night, you knew that’s when armin would come. if he ever planned on it. you walked silently across a field, shivering, half asleep, praying someone would help.

- armin along with your friends are looking for you, a week later and they execute a plan check the nearby areas to make sure you weren’t dead.

- he sees you first, screaming out to you, horses charging towards you, you begin to sob, seeing armin jump off his transportation and run towards you, picking you up off the ground.

- her body flinging over the wall, no one able to tell her otherwise as mikasa is off to look for you.

- you were gone for a day now, mikasa determined that you were alive, you’re so strong.

- alone, she’s off to search for you, her stomach in twists as she held back tears. she searches high and low, she couldn’t protect you. she wanted to scream.

- this was her fault, how could she not be here for you? why didn’t she come searching earlier?

- she tried to get some sleep when the night came, but as the slightest snap of a branch she was up and awake, not able to sleep. she walked through the trees, trying to look for any human existence out here.

- she beat herself up, every day she was out here alone to think about how much of a fuck up she was, it was her job to protect you and she failed. she needed to find you. now.

- “i’m so stupid. so fucking stupid.” she repeated over and over- every day until she saw that you were close. you were alive.

- another day, nearing closer and closer to you, her stomach begging her for food, how long had it been? mikasa was ready to drop from exhaustion, but she couldn’t. you were too fucking close, you could be alive.

- seeing your enitials carved into the tree, mikasa nearly jumped out of her skin.

- calling out your name until she saw you running towards her, immediately running into her arms, she repeatedly told you that she would never leave you. ever.

- “do not rest until you find her!” levi shouts, scouts on scouts dispersing into groups to search for you.

- an hour after he noticed you were missing, he was sending everyone out, he could not lose you. not you.

- pleading with god- if there was one- to please keep you alive.

- he would check behind every wall, abandoned house, making sure he wouldn’t miss you.

- his mouth dry, commanding orders left and right, the search crew was not to sleep until they found you. there was no way he was going to lose you. not with levi in charge.

- he was far from tired, his eyes and face beat red from the harsh slapping of the wind.

- day and night, they were looking for you. you didn’t know where you were. all you knew was you were huddled behind a rock, fainting in and out on consciousness with no awareness around you.

- around the 4th day, you heard hooves, tons of them, you couldn’t make any notice, but you knew this was when he would find you.

- “y/n! y/n! fire it, Jean!” Connie’s screaming, the green signal flying towards the sky, people surrounding you as you dozed off.

- “where? where is she?!” levi’s shouting, leaping off his horse to head towards everyone, Connie holding you as he’s meeting outside the line of trees, shoving your weak body into levi’s shaking arms.

- “it’s okay. you’re okay, don’t worry y/n.” he kissed youre forehead, thanking god he didn’t lose you, he wouldn’t know what he would do if he lost you, the love of his life.

[xpeachesncream]

acquainted | five

> series masterlist <

summary: the biggest goal of a grad student is to get through school in one piece - no petty drama involved, no sweating over the little things. however, that plan almost always never follows through. sometimes, you can’t help but fall into the most unthinkable, unexpected traps and learn the hard way. like, exhibit a: being unable to resist your engaged, substitute teacher, kim seokjin.

pairing: (2nd bts member to be revealed) x reader x engaged!teacher!seokjin

genre: grad school au, student life au | fluff, angst, smut (to come)

words: 4.2k

warnings: implied sexual content, cussing / mature language, relationship issues, angst, club scene, alcohol consumption, intoxication, seokjin is ready to risk it all cause reader is a huge flirt, the love triangle mess shall begin

notes: AH IM SORRY, THAT’S ALL I HAVE TO SAY?!? I TRIED to make this as fair as possible, but i..... clearly have an issue and just really wanted this to be messy lmao 

tags: @laurynne5 @yiyi4657 @miinoongi @teamtardis-notdead @bluesharksandfish​ @photographic-girl (pls msg me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"Waddup bro." Namjoon steps aside to let Jin in. "Wasn't expecting you to come by since we're seeing each other tonight." Jin chuckled.

"Fuck, that's right." Joon laughs as he hands Jin a bottle of water before sitting.

"What, you forgot? You planned this for your own stepbrother."

"No, I know. Just a lot of things going on." He sips on his water, manspreading in Namjoon's loveseat in the livingroom. He tilts his head back and closes his eyes, the headache he felt earlier this morning no longer as bad, but still lingered. After getting home last night, he had tried to push you out of his mind, but failed miserably. It didn't help that he really and genuinely tried to clear the air with Grace, only for her to push him off and sleep on the far end of their bed.

"You alright? What's going on? I feel like I haven't seen you this stressed in a really long time. Last time was probably when you were planning your proposal." Jin softly chuckles, his head still tilted back.

"Yeah, it's been quite the shit show lately."

"Can't be that bad, can it? Have you and Grace been fighting?"

"A tad."

"A tad? The way you're acting right now says it's much more than a tad."

"We've been distant. Busy. We don't do things together anymore." He shortens the shpeel cause quite frankly, he's tired of repeating the story even though he hasn't told many people.

"Why don't you guys talk about it?"

"We can't communicate properly. I try, she gets even more upset and blows me off."

"It's probably just a rough patch in your relationship. I'm sure if you just give each other enough space, you could figure out how to fix things and have a serious conversation about where you both are at and what you need from each other. Remind each other that you're a team, and not working against each other." Jin's slightly shot his head up, his eyebrow raised.

"That's actually pretty solid advice coming from you."

"Shut up, you need help right?" Joon laughs.

"You're right though, it's just been hard. I feel like we've been constantly pushing each other away."

"You two are stubborn."

"Yup, that too." Jin sipped his water.

"I know that's not the only thing on your mind." If it was anyone in Jin's circle, you could count on Namjoon to figure things out before you can even say anything to him. "It's a little hard to believe you came over here to tell me this." In which, he's right. Jin never really talked about his relationship problems, let alone did he go out of his way to tell his friends what was going on. It was more of a thing that naturally came up in conversation when they were all together.

"Don't know what you're talking about." Joon shakes his head.

"Who is she?" Jin watches Namjoon's curious eyes as he leans into the palm of his hand. He was trying to come up with excuses or find ways to see himself out of his conversation, but he couldn't. Namjoon was too smart for this. If it were Yoongi or Hoseok, maybe he could get away with it. The only thing that Jin can come up with is a stupid smirk before he shakes his head and breaks eye contact. "See."

"See what?"

"That smirk. You can't tell me I don't know that smirk. I've been there before, dude. Who is she?" He repeats, causing Jin to succumb to defeat.

"She's a grad student in my creative writing class." Namjoon pauses before he bursts out in laughter.

"I need to sit back and get comfy on my couch for this." He says leaning back and crossing his arms. "She's a grad student? What's her name?" Jin nods.

"Y/N. 25 and so fucking attractive. It's frustrating." Jin groans into his hands.

"And you're telling me you see her more than just a distraction? I mean, I have to ask cause you are going through a rough patch with Grace." Although this is definitely not what Namjoon agrees with, he was only going to advise Jin on how to approach things. But execution-wise, it was up to Jin because this was his life. Namjoon was only part of it.

"She's smart, and she's fun. And.. she's refreshing."

"What did she do to make you feel this way?"

"She kissed me. In my classroom. And," Jin swallows the lump in his throat. "It happened again last night. It almost escalated into other things. But she stopped it." He quickly says because he can see Namjoon's facial expression changing. "She stopped it and she put me in my place because it just made things even more complicated. She said that we should keep our distance from each other."

"Which, she's right Jin. You really can't be doing this." Namjoon says sternly. "Please don't be stupid. This can hurt alot of people, especially since you're still engaged to Grace."

"I know, but likeeeeee--"

"No but's." Joon shook his head. Honestly, he didn't expect this behavior from Jin and it concerned him. "I can't force you on how to act, that's solely up to you. But you need to understand that it has to be one or the other, it can't be both. You either try and work things out with Grace and leave Y/N alone, or you call it quits with Grace."

"Y/N has been occupying my mind lately and it's been hard to push her out."

"Maybe that should be a sign as to what you need to do?" Joon sighs. "I don't know. I don't know her, so I can't say much, but are you really ready to throw away all these years with Grace for her? Like, is it really that serious?" Jin shrugged.

"I don't know, she doesn't want this."

"Correction - she doesn't want this because you're engaged. It's obvious that things would be different if the circumstances changed."

"I love Grace. A lot. We've been through so many things together, lots of ups and downs that taught us things."

"Yeah, and I love you both. I love Grace like a sister. But you can't stick around just because of history and because you both are comfortable, if that's what it really comes down to. It's not fair for both parties. If you find out that this is the end of your relationship with Grace, then it's the end."

"I'm just torn."

"Look, whatever you do, know that I support you no matter what and I'm always going to be here for you. But please do this right, no matter what that is. You can't have both of them."

"Yeah I know, I hear you." Joon nods.

"You're selfish, you know that?" Joon laughs. "You couldn't even introduce her to your single friends?" Jin smiled.

"Nope. Finders keepers." Joon rose his middle finger. "Just do me a favor and keep your mouth shut until I tell Yoongi and Hoseok myself."

"Sure, whatever. Not my battle anyways." He stood up and stretched. "So, where are we taking your little Jungkookie tonight?"

"The club so he can get some for his birthday."

"What a good older brother." Jin laughed.

"Is Grace in New York already?"

"Yep. I'm probably just going to head home and sleep until then. I don't remember the last time I stayed up this late, let alone the last time I went to a club."

"Yeah go home, and not to Y/N's house."

"Should I?" Jin joked, but Namjoon rolled his eyes. "I'm kidding, don't worry. Everything didn't just go in one ear and out the other."

"Yeah, please reassure me and tell me that I didn't waste time giving you advice."

"Oh my god, hurry up!" Jimin groaned loudly as he laid sloppily on your couch, getting restless while waiting for you, Ryujin and Taehyung to finish getting ready. To be fair, you all had been getting ready and fooling around for 2 hours, while Jimin sat patiently and watched whatever was on TV.

"Shut up, Jimin! I'm going to make sure I look good tonight." Ryujin yelled back.

"For who?"

"The dick I'll be getting."

"Why did I even ask?" Jimin sighed and dug his head into a pillow while you and Ryujin continued to yell and sing along loudly to every song that came through on your bluetooth speakers. "You all look good already, please, what else do you need to do?" He mumbled into the pillow. Don't get him wrong, he loves you all to death. He truly does. But it's just been such a long time since you all have gone out like this. He forgot what it was like.

"You know, she really means me." Taehyung tugged on his collar and swiped his thumb across his bottom lip.

"Okay, honestly. You two should probably fuck already. Get it out of your systems, you know?" You say as you dab lip gloss on your lips before shrugging and rolling your eyes. "Jesus Christ."

"Okay, no. You're supposed to be on my side, and that doesn't help." Ryujin's cheeks flush to a rosy tint as she pulls you aside. You knew damn well she was feeling embarrassed because it was true. She wanted to. Once Ryujin finally dusted herself off and was satisfied with her outfit, you both walked out into the living room to meet Jimin and Taehyung. Their eyes widened as they caught sight of you two, Ryujin in a pink, ruched dress with matching pink heels and you in a matching 2-piece skirt and low cut crop top.

"Oh shit, you both look good as hell." Taehyung says as he gets up and continues to eye both of you up and down. Mostly Ryujin, though. "Shall we head out?"

"Yup!" You say as you come to Jimin's side and lead the way out of your apartment. Jimin decided he'd drive tonight since he didn't feel like drinking too much, but he still wanted to go out and have fun. The crew headed to grab dinner at the Farmhouse Kitchen, which served the best Thai food in town. You all enjoyed some good grub, along with some really strong cocktails. You felt super happy that you all had time to finally do this since it's been a minute. You felt like you could finally let lose and get your mind off of things. The things that your dearest bestfriends don't even know about.

But, stories for other days. Tonight, you felt good and you looked good. You were all that and then some. Maybe tonight was the night you could meet a single, fine ass man to dance up on and act up with.

The cocktails were hitting you and Ryujin the most, already feeling tipsy before heading into the club.

"Wooooo!" Ryujin yelled before laughing out loud. "I'm ready!"

"Okay, yes, same, but please keep it together so we can at least make it inside the club." Jimin pleaded. He led your crew up to security, flashing your IDs one by one and paying for the cover fee before stepping in to the already packed nightclub. You and your friends ended up walking in a straight line, holding each other's hands to navigate through the crowd to the bottom floor. The top floor was the most crowded, being it was the house / EDM floor, while the bottom Hip Hop floor wasn't too jammed packed.

"Shots, my friends?" Taehyung asks as he swings over to the front of the bar. You follow behind him and line up against the bartender, asking for some good ol' Don Julio tequila. It wasn't your fave, but it was definitely Taehyung's go-to, and you can't lie, it got the job done quick for you. You all stick around the bar to take your shots, kicking them back to back [besides Jimin] to really get this night started.

As you waited for the final around, Taehyung is scanning the room and notices a group loudly making their way from down the steps and over to the bar. They were cheering on whoever the birthday boy was. A face in the group had looked familiar, so Taehyung squints his eyes to get a better look, and realizes its no other than Jin with his friends.

"Oh, shit! Look! Mr. Kim's here!" Taehyung laughs and says loudly, pointing towards the other end of the bar.

"Is he really?! Let's go take a shot with him and his friends!" Ryujin squeals as she sees him come into full view. You too, get a glimpse of him as they approach the bar and suddenly, you felt hot and nervous - the alcohol being of no help during this time. He looked good, and he didn't look like the already-handsome-professor you had. His hair was more natural, slightly curly, and almost like he had showered and let it messily air dry. The look was perfect on him. Not gonna lie, you were somewhat happy he was here to see how good you looked and part of you really wanted him to crave you until he couldn't take it anymore. You wanted to drive him crazy, and little did you know that you already were. It was a game you didn't mind playing, especially since you knew you couldn't have him.

You shouldn't.

"Ayeeeee! Mr. Kim!" Taehyung's ass yells with Ryujin cheering in the back. He does nothing but flash that smile of his while chuckling. His friends are all really handsome as well, one especially caught your eye with the way his wavy black hair fell down his eyes as he stood against the bar in black ripped jeans and a button up shirt. He seemed to be the youngest out of the group, but you were just assuming.

"Let's take a shot! On me!" Ryujin yells as she runs over with her loud ass. You follow behind her with Taehyung and Jimin, slightly hiding behind Jimin since you were feeling a little shy and awkward at this encounter. The events of the past days just flashed before your eyes, and you can feel Jin's eyes burning holes through you from your peripherals.

"These are your students?" You overhear as one of them looks behind at Jin and laughs.

"Yup." Is all he says, hands deep into his pockets.

"That's her isn't it?" Namjoon says in his ear, loud enough to make sure its clear over the music blasting. Jin simply looks at him without saying a word before returning his attention back on Jungkook, who he noticed was eyeing you. The look said everything to Namjoon.

"Do you know her?" Jungkook points at you and Jin nods.

"Why?"

"Why? She's gorgeous." His eyes light up, causing Namjoon to slightly choke and laugh behind Jin.

"Go for it." Is all Jin says. He's honestly livid right now, because the thought of someone else being able to get a taste of you while he hasn't fucks him up.

"Ohhh, boy." Namjoon sighs. "I hope you're truly over her or else it's going to get really fucked up, you know that right?"

"Don't worry about it." He says, dismissing him as he takes the shot from Yoongi's hand and immediately downs it.

"Hey." The black-haired cutie that caught your eye pushed his way through the group to come into full view. "I'm Jungkook."

"Y/N." You lightly shake his hand before tucking a strand behind your ear.

"I just wanted to say that you're absolutely gorgeous." He says cutely, his hands tucked into his pockets.

"Aw, thank you. That's so sweet."

"I, uh—"

"It's his 23rd birthday today!" One of the guys against the bar yells, grabbing Jungkook's shoulders and playfully massaging it.

"Yeah, it's his birthday Y/N! Give the boy some love!" Ryujin winked from where she was at.

"Happy Birthday." You chuckled as he nods.

"Thanks. Maybeeeee you can bless me with a dance after this shot?" He asked shyly. Boy, was he fucking attractive. You could see his thighs poking through the rips of his jeans, his sharp collarbone poking out from the unbuttoned portion of his shirt and his arm muscles defined even in the dark.

"Yeah, I'd love to." You leaned back against the bar as he stood next to you, waiting for the round of shots to come. "Are these your friends?" He chuckled.

"More like big brothers? That's Yoongi, that's Hoseok and that's Namjoon. They're Jin's friends. Jin is my stepbrother." You swallowed the lump in your throat as you quickly glance at Jin, who's side-eyeing you as he leans against the bar. You have got to be fucking kidding me. God was truly testing you.

"Ohhhh." You respond. "That's sweet of them to take you out."

"I honestly didn't wanna do much, let alone come to the club. It's not really my thing, but I'm glad I did or else I wouldn't have met you." He smiled, his smile being just as perfect as his stepbrother's.

"I'm glad I could make your birthday a good one after all." Ryujin suddenly comes to your side and gives your arm a good squeeze.

"He's a cutie! You better hop on that since Mr.Kim is taken." She says in your ear, pulling you into a hug.

"That's his stepbrother."

"Even better!" She exclaims, making you shake your head. You all gather and take the last round of shots in honor of Jungkook's birthday and shit gets wild, quick. Your group led them to the dance floor, partying together like you had known them since forever. It didn't feel awkward at all knowing it was Jin and group of friends, but it did get awkward when you felt the tension with Jin every time you were near him. He didn't like seeing you dance all up on his stepbrother, getting all handsy and touchy-feely when just the other night, you were straddling his lap, ready to risk it all.

Hell, what was he gonna do though? He couldn't do shit. Not with his people around, especially Namjoon.

You knew this. He didn't have to say anything for you to know he wasn't a fan of it. You'd catch him looking at you throughout the night, his eyes hungry and almost dark. Let's get this straight - there's no bad blood here. You're not mad or bitter [slightly]. You're just having your fun because you're single and can do whatever the fuck you want. You know he wants you, what's wrong with a little tease?

A couple of songs have passed and Ryujin has made her way through Taehyung, Yoongi and Namjoon, and now she was back to doing her own thing on the dance floor. Jimin has had a couple of ladies welcome themselves onto his lap, and he gladly accepted. You loved seeing Jimin have fun and you especially loved when girls swooned at the sight of him because he was deserving of it and he was mighty good looking. He always worked hard and never gave himself a break.

You, on the other hand, had been stuck to the hip with Jungkook and you had brought him deeper into the dance floor, away from the group just to get a little alone time. You had danced up on him majority of the night, his muscular arms always gently bringing you back against his body. You both were feeling some type of way with the alcohol running through your veins, but you weren't complaining one bit. Alcohol or not, Jungkook was fine.

"So, are you going to let me take you out on a date?" Jungkook asks in your ear, causing you to bite onto your bottom lip.

"I'd love to go out on a date with you." You face him, his smile going from ear to ear as he nods and starts taking down your number. To be honest, you could be here all night with him, but you decided you needed a break from all this dancing and from the crowded dance floor. You quickly excuse yourself to the bathroom, suddenly needing to break the seal really badly and freshen up. As you were exiting the bathroom, Jin was also exiting the men's bathroom at the same time. You both locked eyes, with you breaking the contact with a small, toothless smile before walking off.

"Y/N." He says, gently grabbing your wrist and pulling you back towards him. His body is against the back wall, both of your groups distant and not as visible from where you're standing. He looks down at you, his hand still wrapped around your wrist.

"Jin."

"You haven't said one word to me all night."

"I'm trying to keep my distance from you, remember?"

"You know that's not necessary." His hand was now on the small of your back, fingers gently caressing your back in small circles.

"It is. You know what you do to me." You say as you look down at his lips. Truthfully.

"And so do you." You can feel his breath against your skin and it sends goosebumps down your entire body. You're trying your hardest right now to not get turned on by this man, let alone throw yourself onto him. "This isn't fair, you know?"

"I gotta get back to everyone." You say, slightly pulling back.

"Just for the record," He gently pulls you back, his other hand lifting your chin. "Jungkook might have you right now, but I know in the end you'll be coming home to me and that's all that matters." He lets go of your wrist and walks away, leaving you slightly dumbfounded at the way he stood his ground like that. Your panties felt soaked, and you wanted nothing more but to ride this man into the next dimension. He was truly testing you, and quite frankly, you could burst any minute now.

"You okay?" Jimin says, lightly squeezing your arm. "You were gone for awhile."

"Yeah, long line." You lied.

"We're thinking about heading out, you good with that?" You nod silently. You look around to see Ryujin flirting with Yoongi and Namjoon, making you shoot him a look. "Not me, all you. Go get her." He shakes his head, chuckling.

"Alright, I need to say bye to Jungkook anyways."

"Oooh, Jungkook." He wiggles his eyebrows. You make your way over to the area that Jin and his friends are occupying, prying Ryujin's drunk ass away. You give Jungkook a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek, letting him know you'd be waiting for his text.

Finally, you all headed out of the club and into Jimin's car, Ryujin being the first drop off of the night. Thank God he had decided to drive, because all three of you were still pretty tipsy and in no condition to get behind the wheel.

"Y/N, listen to me. You need to hop on Jungkook because he's fine as fuck!" Ryujin's drunk ass yells in the backseat as Jimin is making his way to her house.

"Ouch, Ry, stop kicking my chair." Jimin whines.

"Y/N, did you hear me?"

"I hear you loud and clear, Ry. Thank you." You laugh.

"And you, Jimin! I hope you grabbed a ton of numbers because there were tons of pretty ladies feeling you tonight and you need a girl!"

"Perfect, thank you for pointing out how single I am." He says, making Taehyung snorts.

"What about me?"

"Shut up, Tae. You don't need shit. Mind your own business." You and Jimin laugh in your seats.

"Also, Mr. Kim was really eyeing the hell out of you tonight, Y/N." She adds, making you sigh silently to yourself.

"Actually, I concur." Jimin chimes in. "He couldn't keep his eyes off of you."

"Mistress Y/N." Taehyung calls out, causing you to turn and pinch him on the leg. If you haven't gotten it by now, Tae loves to tease the fuck out of you by calling you a mistress. It's been his thing since you got all googly-eyed for him. And you hated it. You truly wanted to fight him every single time.

"It was nothing. He was probably just drunk."

"Sure." Jimin responds. "Call it what you want, he was definitely feeling you tonight." The ride goes silent, which, you're happy that none of them are pressing on it. You were not trying to get caught up at this moment.

Ryujin gets dropped off before Jimin makes his way to your apartment, parking in the yellow passenger/loading zone. Taehyung is knocked out in the back seat, while Jimin throws his hazards on and walks you to the front door of the lobby.

"Thanks for driving, Chim." He smiles and pulls you into a hug.

"No prob. Call me if you need me?" You nod. You walk in and get into the elevator, Jimin and his car disappearing in sight. You take a deep breath and sigh because you had been having an internal battle since the moment you stepped out of the club.

You were losing.

You stepped out of the elevator, only to step into your apartment to quickly freshen up and throw on comfier clothes. You find yourself heading back downstairs to meet your Uber. You knew exactly where you were going and you knew exactly what you were doing.

But you didn't give a fuck. You had been dying to get your needs fulfilled and the only person you wanted was a quick 25 minute Uber trip away.

[weabooweedwitch]

Honestly dude just tell em no curbside or you quit at this point; just make sure you have another job before you do so, in case they won’t budge.

It's just like. I was making all of those posts because for one I just hate these services but also, yesterday I had literally the worst curbside order EVER

TWENTY FIVE LABELS. A label for each bag or item too large to fit into a bag. Look there are literally cases of soda with a label across multiple boxes. That first picture is JUST her unrefrigerated goods and it takes up an entire shelving segment!!! And she was nice and helped me load her car but I was so fucking furious that i was kind of a bitch and I do need to apologize cause in hindsight I think she felt bad about ordering so much. I actually dropped some shit in front of her and I was so frustrated I didn't even apologize. I hope she doesn't complain to a manager although I sorta deserve it 🥺

I would also like to add like even though I've had my leg surgeries I do still have physical issues so it really burns me that like this service was originally intended for disabled and immunocompromised people and here I am, the disabled girl, doing the work for able bodied people. You know the main employee who does curbside besides me literally has torn tendons in his elbow that he needs surgery for

Its just. Ugh. Another thing is that as much as I hate the curbside service its also job security for me because they still need to train more people how to do it and I am in like, the top three (or was before I stopped giving a fuck)

I just. I make 16.50 an hour and the thing is thats a lot better than most stores and retail jobs? Even though it isn't enough its better than a lot of places and we get a seasonal raise during the holidays. I just. Ugh. I had a manager why I wasn't full time the other day, asking why I work so many hours as a part time employee, and I just kind of give her a look and say "well I'm not really supposed to be because I'm on state insurance"

It's like. We keep having people randomly quit or never show up so they need me a lot. I know I'm like a core member of staff at this point and if I quit it would fuck a lot of people over and I would feel bad. But im also very overwhelmed and I don't feel like I have any time for myself anymore? Or I'm getting way too stressed, constantly, just like consysnt heart palpitations at the slightest sign of a problem? I'm literally working 40 hours this week and then another 38 next week and like.

Sigh. It's scary because I have no savings and im an impulsive buyer so I really need to be working 24/7, saving 24/7, but mentally im not capable of it. If I lower my hours then ill be worrying about money so... I dunno. I feel like I'm being complacent at this point, putting up with it because I'm too nervous to rock the boat or scared I'll make my situation worse and im just kind of waiting until I wither snap or get fired

[bludhavents]

the gang’s love languages

if you haven’t seen already, I did the curtis brothers in my previous post! thank you all so much for the support <3 feel free to send in requests. i hope you enjoy

steve: physical touch

- i was debating between quality time and physical touch for steve, but i settled on physical touch and feel confident in this one

- even though that may not seem like a way of showing affection, the act of him constantly reaching out to touch somebody, whether playful or not, shows that’s how he expresses himself and his feelings

- he tells pony that he likes rumbles because he has a lot of “hatred” inside of him, and beating a soc’s head in is his way of expressing that anger. not necessarily lovey-dovey, but it’s physical touch nonetheless.

- he playfully wrestles/fights with soda a lot, and i think that’s a really cute part of their friendship that we get to see often, especially in the movie. there’s also multiple times in the book where pony notices steve running in to have a pillow fight with soda, arm wrestling soda, and messing with pony’s hair

- him shoving the cake in soda’s face also stands out to me in particular because it just shows that he goes out of his way to find little ways to be closer to people, especially since that morning before the rumble was a stressful time for them all. we definitely see steve being more touchy when he’s anxious or excited.

- HE HUGS PONYBOY WHEN HE GETS BACK FROM WINDRIXVILLE which is so important because steve isn’t too fond of pony, so this hug (although short & im pretty sure only exists in the movie) means a lot when it comes to showing how he shows affection 

- on the way to the rumble when he is playfully hitting everybody on the shoulders 

- when he steps in front of soda after pony asks whether or not sandy is coming to the party

two-bit: quality time

- let’s start with the obvious: he spends more time at the curtis house than the curtis brothers do.

- this isn’t because he doesn’t have a place of his own: his mom is mentioned in both the book and movies as someone who is kind to two-bit and “would let him get away with murder”, but it’s clear that he’s closer to the boys than his immediate family, probably because of how much time he spends with them, most likely a result of mrs. mathews being a single mother who works long hours.

- when i think of two-bit showing affection, the chapter where he and pony spend the day together automatically comes to mind. the fact that he volunteered to hang out with pony all day, and the way he tries to cheer pony up and make it a good time makes me confident in this answer

-  he’s a very complex individual who we don’t know a ton about in terms of his past or his emotions, but he is memorable because of how his presence makes people feel comfortable. he’s shown us that he’s just as rough and tuff as the rest of the gang, but the way he chooses to spend his time with the gang is why he’s perceived differently than say dallas or steve. two is a lot like soda in the way they try to joke around to make the time spent with loved ones enjoyable and meaningful.

- his interaction with marcia always makes me smile. the way their energy just flowed off of one another says a lot about the way he makes connections with people: through quality time.

- him going to the curtis house just to eat cake or watch mickey shows how he doesn’t go over there to talk or do something together, he just likes to be in the presence of his friends; it’s how he feels seen and comfortable and helps others feel seen and comfortable.

dallas: acts of service

- dallas isn’t a very openly loving person: it’s easy to see that much. no time spent with dallas could make him gushy or clingy.

- his love language is very obviously not quality time: he spends too much time in and out of jail for that to work out. not to mention, he’s easy to not like. but i can tell you without a doubt that anybody who’s met dally, no matter their opinions of him, would say he’s resourceful.

- resourcefulness is key when your love language is acts of service, because it gives you more opportunities to help those around you. 

- when pony and johnny come to dallas for help, he gives pony a dry shirt (not to mention gives up his own jacket for pony to take), gives them money, cigarettes, a gun, advice, and directions. and he does it all without a second thought. he puts himself in jeopardy by helping them, and he knows it. 

- dallas and johnny’s relationship here is so important. 

- whenever dallas gets out of jail at the start of the book, he’s asking johnny who he needs to beat up. he sees it as a favor to johnny. if you want to read into this more, i imagine his thought process behind the act as this: “someone hurt you and i don’t like that because i care about you and don’t like to see you hurt. let me help by hurting them back and showing you how much i really do care about you. i can show them that i’m here to protect you.” 

- he doesn’t want to miss the rumble. why? because that’s how he shows he’s part of the greasers. he fights with them, he services them by helping take down the socs. he let’s the socs know he cares about the gang by standing up for them and standing with them during rumbles.

- him and tim are friends because they help eachother out when the other guy needs it. 

johnny: words of affirmation

- okay johnny’s was the most difficult because i had such a hard time choosing between words of affirmation and physical touch. this explanation is definitely the most detailed of them all

- he hates when his parents are verbally fighting the most. to me this is the biggest indicator that words of affirmation is how he shows affection. most people would dread the physical aspect of the fighting, but johnny expresses that the verbal part is what bothers him the most

- he talks whenever something bothers him badly enough. the night in the lot where he tells pony how hopeless he feels, they both fall asleep talking. this scene means a lot to me when it comes to johnny’s love language because it’s a plain example of how he expresses discomfort. 

- i think the thing that pushes words of affirmation to the number one spot on johnny’s list is the moment where he falls asleep while pony reads to him. it shows that listening to pony talk makes him feel comfortable enough to sleep, which is a huge state of vulnerability. like i said earlier, he also falls asleep in the lot while talking with pony. 

- pony mentions how johnny is shy and doesn’t speak up for himself a lot, and while i think trauma and personality have a lot to do with it, i also think it’s because johnny cade puts a lot of thought into what he says. he doesn’t use words carelessly because he knows how much they affect him and he wants to be careful to make sure he’s not hurting anyone else

- he really opens up to pony during their time at the church. 

- johnny is visibly bothered when dallas is upset with him on the ride back to the church. he really idolizes dallas and to hear him get angry makes johnny sadder than, for example, sodapop would be if he was in johnny’s shoes.

- johnny tends to express his anger through words and also apologizes with words, much like ponyboy.

- lastly, the letter. johnny could’ve squeezed pony’s hand when he was dying, he could’ve asked the nurse to buy pony a gift or give him johnny’s money, but he chose to write a letter. he is thoughtful and particular with his words.

(would you guys like to see a physical touch version for johnny? i was torn between words of affirmation and physical touch and i have a lot of good ideas for it. maybe i could make it into an imagine where i mention it in relation to the story. what would you prefer, or do you even want to see it at all lol?)

[cupidlakes]

i completely agree with you, gnf deliberately using voice changer i /assume/ so that even if people clipped it, they dont have the /actual/ gnf saying all those things.

also, dream said that while theyre okay with shipping/fanfic/fanart made of them, that doesnt necessarily means they want to see them. i reckon that is gnfs approach as well towards it. wait idk where im going with it im just rambling lol

i haven’t watched the vod yet i’ve just seen people talking about it and the one clip but i get what you mean and that holds some merit i think, when george finds doing/saying stuff embarrassing he tends to avoid it or does it in an obviously silly way like the way he “sings” or how he’ll do accents etc.

george seems to have this thing abt not wanting embarrassing stuff sticking around forever like when someone asked him abt wearing a maid dress and he respectfully said no because he doesn’t want something like that existing online and that’s just what i mean, the boyfriend thing could’ve definitely been something he didn’t want to deal with for whatever reason (not up for speculation)

and to kinda answer the 2nd half of your ask, here’s the thing, dnf becoming this big was genuinely unprecedented we live in a post-heat waves era where the shipping of dnf (especially on main) has become really normalised, also in part due to how dream and george haven’t said anything against it and their boundaries to what we know since the serious stream have remained the same i.e they “don’t care” that’s all fine and good!! i’m happy w that i’m happy they’re happy and comfortable :)

i remember when you’d be crucified and torn apart on twitter, ratioed to hell and back and cancelled for even joking about dnf not too long ago and i’m not saying that was ever okay and dream + i’m assuming george absolutely hate people speaking on their behalf but the inverse, where people are comfortable consistently making jokes about georges sexuality (specifically george) on main and letting those tweets get big enough to where there’s the potential for him to see it, even spamming his replies? personally i don’t see that as a good thing

dream and george have given us explicit permission to talk about dnf but that doesn’t extend to discussion about their sexualities, george says it takes a lot to make him uncomfortable but i don’t understand why you’d want to push it remember when george made that serious tweet about not editing pictures to make it look like he’s saying slurs (a homophobic one in question)? did he ever explicitly make it clear he didn’t want people to do that? no, because it’s kind of common sense and we still made him uncomfortable, that’s what i meant saying not everything has to be explicitly stated by a cc for it to be a boundary or something you shouldn’t do and i think it’s incorrect that as a fandom we’ve been operating like this (although upholding their stated boundaries is important)

i really don’t know if people want another moment where they cross the line with him and he has to address it and you shouldn’t always have to wait for a cc to address something for it to no longer be okay just use common sense i’m iterating once again that there is a difference between harmless dnf jokes that fall within their stated boundaries and truthing their sexualities on main near constantly + reading into things like the boyfriend thing on twitter again, openly

i don’t personally know how george feels currently about dnf whether he ever meant for his permission to mean that people should talk about it in the privacy of fandom spaces (although i get why you’d think that), i can’t ask him what he’s specifically okay with

but i can be normal, enjoy him + his content and dnf casually in tandem on my blog, support him and just encourage others to think about the way they talk about him it doesn’t hurt to not send that tweet or to tweet constantly about george being gay because xyz (insert stereotypes)

at the end of the day george is george his lax boundaries and how chill he is about everything is nice i’m glad there hasn’t been many instances at all where he’s had to speak to us directly about feeling uncomfortable however if he does even subtly make it clear he doesn’t want smth clipped/talked about it’s not hard to respect that and to respect him

hope this all made sense!

[thewritingstar]

Hopelessly Devoted To You

Pairing: SoMa (Soul x Maka) 

Fandom: Soul Eater (oh look new fandom alert) 

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day, im not doing too hot rn just cause im super stressed and slightly depressed but we shall push through. So allow me to just indulge in some soma cause I finished the series a while ago and have been dying to write for them. 

I hope you enjoy cause I want the serotonin plz. (asks/requests/commissions open)

tag list: @shellielyzabeth @unvalley

---

Devotion. 

A simple word that gave away so much. 

Some would call him crazy, insane to give his life as easily as he does, but there was never a second doubt in his mind when the offer came up. Like a persons loyalty to their god and savior, he would bow down even if she never asked, and she didn’t. She hadn’t needed to anyways. 

He wasn’t blind to the reasons. Somewhere along the lines of loyalty, his feelings spun into something else. Something stronger that he kept quiet. Admiration turned to adoration while devotion warped with desire. It was all there. His cards on the table and he was thankful that his mestier couldn’t read them. 

Because that meant she could reject him just as easy. 

But he was okay with that, at least that was the lie he told himself when the moon turned to the sun. He could accept the scars and bruises that littered his body if it meant that she helped cleaned and heal them. Her soft hands caressing his skin in a platonic way was enough. Her friendship was enough. 

Years ago they had begun this journey. A simple meister and a lonely weapon. Now they were seen as celebrities among their world and had grown over the years. She was still the bossy but bright girl who would scold him for slouching. But now she was a woman. The beginning of their 20s was something he had looked forward too because that meant more adventures without the boredom of school in the way. He just didn’t expect his hormones to flare up constantly. 

It became harder because loving her was as natural as breathing to him. She could smile bright and give him praise and that would hold him over so that he could keep their friendship alive. He wanted the best for her, even if it meant he suffered in the shadows. 

But deep down, there was a selfish pool stirring. He could let it bubble over and take control. Tell her that he is hers no matter what and in every way. Allow for their partnership to travel to unknot waters even thought he knew that they could drown. He wanted to risk it if it meant there was a small chance she would feel the same. 

But he wouldn’t. He was devoted to his mestier as a weapon and friend. A protector on all realms and he would never forgive himself is he was the cause of her broken heart.

She had been betrayed too many times and the last thing she needed was her best friend to leave her as well. Watching her parents marriage fall apart added to the stress and pressure she faced everyday, especially when she was asked if they were together officially. She would laugh it off and say that they weren’t and the subject would be changed quickly. 

He didn’t mind it of course, because they weren't. Though it torn his heart into pieces as the thought of another man claiming her heart in a way he never could, he would stand by her side. He would laugh, cry, smile even if the vows whispered weren’t for him. 

In those moments he was alone with his thoughts, his soul tried to bounce around freely, wanting to be closer to hers and it took everything in his power to make sure that his thoughts never made their way over to hers. 

The soft touches and passing glances between them would add to the fire he had sworn to keep cool and he would gladly let them burn from within. Sometimes she would crawl into his bed and he would pretend that she was already his as he placed a kiss to her head and make sure she dozed off peacefully. 

No matter what she needed, he was there.

--

There were too many scars to count on the both of them. Too much blood dried on the skin and they couldn't bring themselves to go get cleaned up, at least not right now. They opted for the couch with his feet propped on the table and her head resting on his shoulder. 

He should be angry, yelling at her even, but he couldn’t bring himself too. She was one to make rash, yet calculated moves and when she threw him to the side and allowed for her body to take the blow, his heart pulled in a familiar fashion he tried to keep at bay. 

The scene played over and over in his mind like a record on a broken player. That devotion to protect her was overridden by her own personal desire to save him and it made that fire roar and the waters turn to wave as he sat and contemplated everything. 

He vowed to never be selfish, some wouldn't think he was capable of the action. He had proved over and over that his devotion to her was beyond any other weapon and his friends had agreed. But sitting here and knowing that she could have died, it was all too much. 

The thought of her leaving this world without he knowing that he was here's all this time was a worse fate than her rejecting him. He would rather give his life than live without her and perhaps that's why sacrifice was so easy. 

So now he sat here, exhausted and mind racing because the line in the sand was being crossed before he could stop himself. 

“Maka.” He said quietly. 

“Yeah?” She turned her head towards him.

He hesitated and looked at her. Those olive green eyes he had know for years held so many promises of tomorrow, he couldn’t begin to count them. Even with dirt coated on her face and a split lip, she was the embodiment of perfection. 

They had once traveled to see the northern lights and while she was gushing over the luminous colors dancing in the sky, his eyes were glued to her and the way the stars danced in her eyes. 

“Forgive me if I’m wrong.” He said simply and her mind wasn’t fast enough to process his words as his thumb cupped her chin and soft lips pressed to hers. 

Even with a split lip, she was soft and warm against him. It was slow and steady and tried to search for answers he asked himself at night. 

He pulled away, eye closed and scared that he was about to drown in those forsaken waters, that everything they had spent years building was wiped away because he was being selfish. 

It was crazy how much he loved her and although he knew she had a love for him, he wasn’t sure if it was the same. Perhaps he would need to swallow his pride to think that her feelings where compatible with his. 

“Soul.” He felt her hand on his cheek and opened his eyes after what felt like an eternity. 

He could feel it. Her soul fusing with his in a new way and it came with the realization that he was a fool to think that he was selfish. Every action he did was easily mimicked. Every scar that graced his body, she had a matching one. They were a pair, through and through. His heart was in her hands when he was holding hers along. 

And that begged the question if she loved him all the same. 

She batted her eyelashes softly, a smile playing on her lips and made note of the pink dusting her cheeks. It was as if she could read the lines in his soul as she spoke, “I loved you longer than I’ve known.” 

The tears were a surprise as she swiped them with her thumb and kissed his cheek. “I love you.” Soul whispered and she nodded, pulling him back to her lips and kissing him like she dreamed of every night.

Because the truth was their devotion was to each other like that of two halves becoming whole. 

---

I hope you liked it :)