#although I still have my own doubts- they will remain doubts. nothing more

[fallen-for-the-stars]

Rule number 1!

Always be your biggest supporter, it may be easier said then done for most people, but trust me when I tell you it’s important, relying on the support of others affects your mental health!

[girlwiththoughts13]

No place for a Dragon

Aemond Targaryen x F!reader

Warnings: Targ-cest/ smut!

Word count: 1k

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The cold winds and bitter snow that dust over your skin feels far more harsh against the heat your body naturally emits. The frigid temperatures of Winterfell is no place for a dragon. The thought of remaining here until the ends of your days is more frightening than the prospect of marriage. For the lord stark is a kind and honorable man, that rarity alone makes your dreadful thoughts gently fade.

Despite this union being an arranged one-all to strengthen the north as a ally for your mother Rhaenrya- Cregan Stark had done his best the last 2 sennights of your residence in the foreboding halls to quail your concerns of a loveless marriage. He vowed to aways be faithful, and in time, come to love you as deeply as a man loves a woman.

There was no doubt you would preform your duties and give the wolf of the north your companionship, your body, and your name, but your heart was not as compliant.

It's not that you didn't find him attractive or kind or all the things a lady would hope for in a future husband; however your heart simply did not beat, at his more than adequate attributes.

How you wished to rip put your own heart, tear it asunder and remold it to fit the lord stark. He may speak true, as the years come love will grow.

In the main Hall of the keep you clutch onto the furs wrapped around your shoulders and await to meet the kinslayer himself. It has been long since you set your eyes upon your uncle. It seems he is still as brazen as ever, showing up to a house that went against Aegon's claim and alone at that. You wondered what was crossing through his mind. Did he think to take on the soldiers on his own? Even vhagar would not be able to defeat thousands of angry northern men.

Regardless of the trap you suspected, if able, capturing the second son of the whore Queen would be a feat for your side.

Lord stark stood beside you, jaw set and hand tightened around his sword. You could feel his eyes move to the side of your face, no doubt blaming you for the arrival of the man with the largest dragon in the known world.

Continuing to stare straight you decide to break the thick silence. "Will you turn me in to save your house?" The worry has set in your thoughts since the circling of the monstrous beast was spotted. Aemond surely is not here to discuss the notion of peace.

"Do you think so low of me?" You finally meet his gaze and find nothing short of offense, Starks were no oath breakers, to be accused by his betrothed of all people, made him believe he was not doing enough for you or the war efforts.

Before you could answer, the large wooden doors creaked open snapping your stare to the approaching men.

Four men surrounded the dragon prince as they walked, ensuring he did not try to assassinate there liege lord or their princess.

When the men came to a halt your betrothed stepped forward shielding you from view.

"I'd say I admire your boldness but I believe it's just stupidity that has lead you to my lands" Cregan spoke with clear distain and although his back was to you, you know his face is just as thunderous.

"I had to see for myself if the rumors were true, my dear niece being sold off. Tell me Lord Stark has she spread her legs for you yet? If she's anything like her mother then I suppose that answers that." Aemond speaks with a cruel tone and a smirk that never falters splayed across his face. The allegations against you and your mother, wretches a small gasp from your lips.

"How dare you, come here, dishonor Lord Stark and spew vile insults toward my mother the Queen and her daughter? I could have your head for that, send it to your bitch of a mother" The sudden sound of your voice and the threat against his mother struck a nerve if the hard-set in his eye was anything to go by.

"Nyke gōntan daor māzigon kesīr naejot vīlībagon nyke jorrāelagon naejot ȳdragon lēda ao mērī" I did not come here to fight I need to speak with you, alone. His switch to your mother tongue was a obvious slight to Cregan, but you had not time to dwell on that, not when he was asking the impossible of you.

You did not give him the satisfaction of answering him in your native language. "Do you think I'd go anywhere with you alone? So that you may slit my throat or worse take me to the red keep as a hostage of the usurpers?"

"Give me one reason not to string you up? Or send you to the Dragon Queen?" Cregan obviously had picked up on Aemond's intentions and had begun to reach his limits of his presence.

The sinister smile returned on Aemond's face, making your blood run cold, knowing his hand was about to be revealed. "You're right. You could kill me right now or keep me as a prisoner, but not before Vhager burns this entire castle to the ground. I am prepared to meet my maker, are you Lord Stark?"

The Lord of Winterfell goes to rebuttal such a threat but Aemond continues. "Or, niece, we could have civil conversation, after which I promise to return you to your pup."

You step around Cregan, prompting him to reach his hand out to stop you from advancing. He gives you a pointed look, one you return.

You place your hand atop his to soothe his worries. You lean up to his ear and he angles his face down to meet yours. "I'll be okay, your house shouldn't suffer over a mere denial of conversation" The whisper of your voice reaches him and only him. You pull away to show your resolve leaning up once more to press a firm kiss on his cheek. Squeezing his arm as you pass.

Reaching Aemond he holds out his own arm to you, one you ignore. He lets out a chuckle and gives his head a light shake.

As you walk Aemond tells you of a cottage he happened upon, a near by place he had left Vhagar awaiting his return. Although you hate the idea of leaving the safety of Winterfell grounds, Aemond will not budge to a private audience in your quarters, therefore you walk silently beside him.

You stop walking when you both reach the door of the quaint cottage. Vhagar a little off to the side puffing out hot air, that reaches you from where you stand. He looks back at you with amusement. "Scared niece?"

Donning a smirk of your own you proceed onward aware of the mistake you were making and finding you did not care at all.

"Ohh.. Fuck!" The moans run out of your open mouth as your slammed up and down on Aemond's cock in rapid motions. The echo of your skins clapping together Is heard throughout the small space and should any one happen to find themselves taking a stroll near the grounds would surely hear the raptures of your pure pleasure.

Aemond latches onto your bouncing tit, suckling at your nipple and bringing a hand to knead the other. His free hand that rested upon your lower back, reaches up to take a strong hold on the back of your head, yanking the sliver tresses back from where you hidden your head in the crook of his neck.

He moves his feet to root them to the ground, to meet your thrust, your rhythm restrained by the small chair you ride him on.

"Does your pup still believe you a maiden?" His thrust growing harsher at the mention of your intended. "Does he know I've ruined you? Gotten deep inside this tight cunt and imprinted my name on the mouth of your womb?" It is a wonder he speaks as if not strained from supporting your weight atop him and the excursion of fucking up into you.

There is no desire within you to answer. You wish to forget of the realities of the outside world and be here and now. Feeling his warm skin on yours creating fire that stokes you completely alight. This will be the last time you lay together the war of fire and blood rearing its rotten head. You realize that was the reason for this. Showing up and demanding an audience with you. Risking his life for one more night with his princess, his niece, his love.

You place one small palm on his mouth to stop more vulgarness from spewing out. "Just shut up and fuck me harder, unless the dragon would like to yield to the wolf?" Aemond lets out a growl and winds his arms around you, standing to his full height with you in his arms. He manages to stay inside you as he walks you to the near by table. When he sets you down he pushes down on your stomach to lay your back flat against it,

The way he was fucking you earlier has nothing on the way he pounded into you now, practically embedding your skin in the oak of the table. Aemond has one hand on your hip and the other comes up to wrap tightly around your throat cutting off your air immediately. Your hand grabs his wrist but you make no attempt to free yourself from his grasp. Despite the circumstances there is no fear in your body, instead you find hot arousal, one that makes your already wet cunt gush more liquid at the base of his cock.

"My, my, look at this, what a sight" You glance up at him, his eye trained directly on the place where his cock disappears within you.

His deft fingers circle up to your clit and that is your undoing, your legs shake from around his waist and your back arches up, head thrown back, a loud moan tearing through you.

Aemond lifts you up to him, from the gap you made when your back raised off the table. Your head falls on his shoulder, limp from being throughly sated. Gone are the precise thrusts, replaced by quick hard shoves inside you, desperate to reach his peak. Once more he tugs your head back and kisses you deeply passionately, It remind you of when you were children, ignored by your elders and seeking love in each other. Kisses hidden beneath the blanket of darkness.

Aemond's stills and groans quietly as his seed fills you to the very end of you and there is a small part of you that hopes it takes root, so that you may have a piece of him always, even when he is gone.

"I love you" You both whisper, low as if you will be strike down by all the gods if heard.

Mayhap's you have already been scorned by their fury.

[thatfrailsoul]

– Nourishing your soul, treasuring your bonds

tarot pick a pile reading ( → 1, 2, 3 )

("Sleeping Beauty in the Wood", Maxfield Parrish)

It is already challenging enough to find within ourselves the courage to be who we want, who we truly are... Enough to assume that once done that - there is nothing, no one, else to worry about... And yet here you are. Pressured by this doubt that you shouldn't have in the first place. The one that choosing your own self - your goal, desires, your needs - might be not right for you, or even worse... not aligned with the path of your loved ones.

So... are you doing the right thing by choosing yourself? Will the ones you cherish understand and help you with this journey? Will your paths still remain aligned, side by side? Can you really do this for yourself, without being forced to say to them goodby?

Slow down for a moment. Breathe. Listen to your heart, to its rhythm. Allow it to speak to you. And choose the image that seems so familiar, calling so strongly your heart. Remembering that, whatever the message might be, you are free to listen to it or to let go. Without the need to make it fit. Because your true answer will always find you, the moment you will be really ready and will have the need.

_

A little message to the beautiful soul that requested this reading: Your questions truly moved me. I felt them deep down, as I too asked myself the same things so many times... So I wanted to do my best by looking closely at each question on your mind. It will be a slightly long reading... But I hope that it will give you the clarity that you are trying to find.

_

– Pile One,

three of swords, six of cups, the hermit

When we are growing, feeling the real change in ourselves, in the parts of us that for so long we didn't take care of and forgot... It is inevitable to feel more deeply, to see things that we never noticed before. In the world around us. In our life. In the people by our side. It is inevitable to, suddenly, feel resistance, perhaps judgment from some and even concern from others... Exactly in those things and actions that are so connected to us feeling better, stronger, more confident about what we deserve and who we are...

And it's confusing, you know. First comes the hurt and frustration, of doing all this work but not being seen, congratulated, appreciated for the new aura radiating from us and that makes us so proud. Almost like they don't like and don't want the better version of us... Then comes in the doubt and fear that it is the truth. That what you know for sure is the best thing for you... It's something that is so inconvenient for them. That perhaps, unconsciously, you once again became fond of people that were just so good at wearing a mask. Hiding underneath their true them, that is so different from who you want by your side and who you want to become.

And all of these doubts and convictions are so overwhelming for your mind. The only place where you have the courage to think about it, to consider, to try to find a solution... Because just speaking up and asking them about it out loud... feels so risky, so dangerous. Something that will be the end of a bond that perhaps is completely fine, and that you are complicating on your own in your mind.

But the thing is... Although we can indeed sometimes misunderstand one intention for another, through their actions or their words... There are only so many times that you can wrongly read the room or their tone while they are speaking their mind. Even if you convince yourself that sometimes you are a little too defensive or feeling a little "too much"... you are not naive. You are not completely new to this world. You already had these doubts, these uneasy feelings, these intuitions or fears about those by your side. It's not the first time that you are being supported on your decisions or journeys, and in the same way it's not the first time that you discover that someone is not in fact your "ride or die".

And this exact fact that it is not the first time, of fearing to need to let go of someone, being so affectionate but at the same time aware that you are for some reason not aligned, makes it all so incredibly hard... that you wander if perhaps making a step back and leaving the things the way they were, might be better than creating so many changes and chaos in your life.

But you are doing the right thing, you really and truly do. You didn't go so far, found this strength and courage, to doubt this journey now. Now that you are already halfway through it. So close to the finishing line. You didn't go through all of this for yourself, to ask then if everything will be fine, if they will in the end understand, accept the new you and stay... When what you truly want and are afraid to know is if you indeed need to let go of them as you are feeling now. If you need to leave behind those that judge so much who you are becoming, already hurting a version of you that is still so new, even if it will hurt so much your heart.

You already know all of this deep down, that it might indeed be the necessary thing to do. And you are also aware of the fact that you don't really want to do it, to choose between you and them, losing one or another, not being able to maintain both. You remember how difficult it is, feeling, being alone. And it only complicates everything. A decision that you are not able to make because both options see you suffering, because of others or of the void left in the place where they used to be.

So... Let me rephrase it a little for you: do you really want to need to justify your decisions or who you are, constantly defending yourself from those that should support and appreciate you and your life? Are you really ready for a constant battle with those by your side?

Because, are you doing the right thing by choosing yourself or not, is not even a question that should cross your mind. You are on the right path. You are doing the right thing. You are doing just fine. You are actually making the most important steps in manifesting on your own that life that you want to experience and enjoy. Starting from you. And through you - with those around you.

And this moment of resistance, this moment of you seeing so much difference between you and others in your life, it's not a way of the Universe to tell you that you are making the wrong decision, becoming too different and less relevant or appealing to those that you want with you. But it's rather a way to make you understand that not everyone can or needs to stay here for a lifetime. Not everyone can be satisfied and completely aligned with what you have in mind. And if there is a right way to choose who to have by your side... well it's for sure by sharing your feellings and thoughts, your desires and intentions, openly. Seeing who feels excited for you, who is proud of you and understands... Or who is feeling hurt, only because for once you are prioritizing your own self and what is the best for your life.

We indeed are, at some extent, the people that we have by our side. They influence us in how they treat us, their opinions, their convictions in which we start to believe too. They form you, consciously or not, through the ways they support you or judge you, limiting your decisions or your steps.

So don't hide in your mind for the sake of others. Don't try to analyse or understand all on your own. Looking for a solution to make everyone happy and satisfied. Think only about yourself now, exactly like this journey requires. Follow your own plan and path. And allow others to be themselves, like you are the true you now. Even if it means that your paths will go different ways. Because no matter how sad or difficult, it is still fine. To be different and to live different lives.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

_

– Pile Two,

the four of cups, the eight of coins, the ten of cups

Look at you - you are just blooming. With all the courage and strength that you've found to finally and truly take care of yourself. To nourish your soul, make it smile and feel free and alive. You got through so much, through so many new and uncomfortable steps. You faced and made peace with so many parts of you that were consuming you, filling you with anger, fear and despair...

You did it. You truly did. But you managed to do so by hiding yourself. Creating that safe space away from everyone. From their opinions, "advices" regarding your life and how you should make it through. From all the people that talked so much, but so rarely listened to you. Becoming for yourself, on your own, the closest and dearest person by your side. The one that you can truly trust your heart with, the one that can so gently calm your mind. You connected to yourself so deeply, finding so much within yourself... that you don't really feel the need to have someone else. Especially those that remained their old self, not changing even a bit in this time that you spent by yourself.

And now that you "came back", felt strong and confident enough to meet them once again... The difference between you, the moments of silence or of the conflicts, were just too loud. And where before you felt uncomfortable, you just started feeling completely out of place now. Seeing only strangers in a life that is supposedly full of people, so many of them by your side.

But there is a thing about you... About how you don't really accept the idea of giving up, of considering something, someone, a lost cause. You didn't do it for yourself, demonstrating how much a person can change, grow and start to shine again. And you don't want to do it for them, for those that... You really do want to see one day understanding you, the way you see and feel this world, perhaps finally appreciating you, cherishing you the same way you learned to do it with your own self and them too.

And you can really do it. You can really see this change in them one day, even if now it seems so impossible to find a way to speak to them more deeply, enough to touch their soul and give them a new goal, a new hope. It will happen. It is already happening now. Because of you.

With your courage, or despair, in finding your true self, in taking care of yourself, you unconsciously created an example. You demonstrated silently that there is no need to suffer and be pressured by a version of you that just doesn't fit you so well anymore. You showed that, although something so new and perhaps complicated at first to do - it is so worth it. To open up. To your own self and to others. To this life, the things that it always teaches us, but that we sometimes are not so ready to learn and make ours.

You created something so beautiful, by simply choosing yourself no matter what. Like a little seed that you hid in their subconscious mind, it started to grow, manifesting itself in their actions and decisions. That for once started to be for themselves, for their good, for their safety and wellbeing. Unlocking a new version of them, that sees so much more now in their life and their bonds. Cherishing every moment more.

It might not be something that you can see already now, not when it is something so little, that even they are only now starting to notice and appreciate more... And not everyone will bloom and grow... But those that will, they will surprise you so profoundly, they will surprise themselves. In seeing how much your paths evolved and changed, aligning themselves even though you both started to feel like it is time to let each other go.

You will rediscover each other, get to know again so many people that you were convinced to already know, finding out how actually similar, closer your hearts are. But... Just give it time. Be patient, the same way you were with yourself and the journey that you were on all this time. They are growing too, they are changing, and it is something that goes so differently for every person, that requires a different rhythm and pace from perhaps the ones that were comfortable and right for your soul.

Don't worry about it, everything will be fine. Continue to focus on yourself, on protecting your new boundaries and expressing your new ideas and passions. Gently, sweetly, exactly like the way you are. Radiating your beautiful light, and showing others a way to find their own right path.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

_

– Pile Three,

the knight of cups, the king of swords and the six of coins

When we start to strive for more, to have this deep need for a change, for a better life and us... It is sometimes almost impossible to not be overwhelmed with all that motivation and energy. With that desire to do everything at once, making progress as fast as possible and being finally able to enjoy this better life.

It is so difficult to not get caught up in all of this... That sometimes this incredible glow around your soul that grows so beautifully - just starts to blind your own eyes and mind. Making you see - where at first there was so much enthusiasm, motivation, exciting new steps - just so many more sacrifices and things to do. Just for a chance to live well and feel good.

And it just drags you back down. In that discouragement and tiredness, in that doubt of really being ready to start this journey. Of wanting it truly at all. And while you fall back in this spiral, in this paralysis of not knowing what is best or worse, if to need to work for a new life enduring again all those challenges and battles... Or to continue this one even though it just doesn't speak anymore to your soul... In all of this your mind is just working too much. Day after day, doubt after doubt, making you forget a little but important detail: you don't need to do it all alone.

Yes it was you idea, yes it is indeed your story, your life that you are doing all of this for... But a journey is not always so limited to only one soul. It is not always meant to be faced on your own. But you assumed it, too caught up in these emotions that a start of a new journey filled your heart. You isolated yourself, hid yourself from this life that doesn't suit you anymore, and from the people around you that just didn't felt aligned. You hid yourself, and started to create everything from scratch on your own. Facing so many new things and questions that you never considered before. Refusing to ask for help, to have opinions of others, because you knew for sure that the same way they never understood they won't do it now too... You convinced yourself of this. Taking away from you perhaps one of the most powerful and beautiful details of a journey: the strength and courage that gives you the not being alone.

It is true that, no matter how much you love those by your side, they are still so different in the way they see and feel this world, in how they want to experience this life... But different is not always negative. It is not necessarily source of judgment, lack of understanding and appreciation, lack of support... Sometimes, exactly that "different" is what can help you find new solutions, answers, new ways of overcoming an obstacle on the road you are trying to walk. Sometimes it is exactly that support and needed hand that can help you navigate your emotions and doubts.

They are different. But this doesn't mean that they don't love you or don't want to see you bloom as the most beautiful flower of this world. They are here for you, and they show it in the only way, from the only perspective that they know... But they can also do it differently, if only you let them learn, allow them to understand fully what is it that you are looking for.

They have so many other versions of perceptions and opinions different from yours. But this is where their strength is. This is where the strength that they can give you is. So many new ways of facing things, of advices, of experiences, of more delicate or more straightforward approaches. So much help that they can give you on your journey, if only you allow them to.

Don't hide yourself, don't assume that they will not understand. Because there is nothing that they want more - to help you be your authentic and most confident self. You grew up, you changed, your mind learned so well to be open to others and their ways. And they can do it too. If you allow them to learn from you. To stay by your side as you make your first steps, to see you, to feel you. And to protect and guide you, helping you to don't doubt, to don't be afraid, and to believe in yourself.

And if you would like to receive more clarity and guidance about your situation (through a personal or free reading) - you can find out more about it here!♡

_

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[vrystalius]

AAAAJAJA I LOVE UOURR BLOGGG AND HOW YOU ENVISION EACH CHARACTERS XDD may I pretty please make a request for angst/fluff hcs on female human reader, who’s very insecure, paired with the upper moon trio and Muzan?Whether it’s about her looks, or that she feels like they don’t genuinely love her (esp since they are demons and she’s a human, so what’s stopping them from leaving/killing her and dating other demons instead(˃̣̣̣̣︿˂̣̣̣̣ )

Insecurity

What stops your demon s/o to get bored of you one day and eat you? What if they’re only pretending to love you? And what will your partner do to fight those insecurities?

Pairing: Kokushibo, Douma, Akaza, Muzan x gn!reader

Kokushibo

He is taking your insecurities very seriously. Kokushibo knows and felt it himself plenty, during both his demon and human years. Despite that, his “comfort” and “reassurance” methods are quite unique. Your husband will not react immediately to your feelings, rather being more quiet and reserved than usual, wich at first makes you doubt yourself even more. Perhaps he is finally realising that he is much better off with another human or even demon… Although you started to notice how Kokushibo was hovering around you more and more. Silently, but he was still there, watching you while you go on with your day. You could be doing some mundane task like cooking yourself a meal and he would be standing behind you, not noticing how intimidating he is being right now.

In his mind, Kokushibo was showing more interest in you. He believed that you felt insecure about him not being around you enough or paying attention to you, instead being out on missions or training. So, now he’s watching you everyday all day, trying to show you through his ways that he cares about you and cherishes you very much. Once he finally notices how he is achieving nothing but making you confused or intimidating, Kokushibo begins to show affection more openly, although it felt forced at first.

His calloused hand would slowly slip into yours, intertwining fingers while he was meditating, or him holding you close to his body while you napped or slept on his chest, spending the precious and scarce nighttime with showering you in affection while you were resting, not even aware about how he was trying to show his love in his own way.

“I’ll stay for the night, I asked that man to give the other Upper Moons any of my remaining missions. I’d rather spend my time with you.”

Kokushibo is silently worrying about not being good enough for you. Although he is Upper Moon One, wouldn’t a human want to marry another human and start a family? What stops you from leaving him? He will not stop or hurt you when you choose to do so, he would completely understand.

Douma

You immediately saw Douma’s face shift into the expression he gives to all his followers once they start speaking about their woes, while you were trying to explain to him how you were feeling. You silenced yourself the second the pity-tinged smile appeared on your face, knowing that he is not listening or acknowledging your feelings in any way. He told you times before how he feels exhausted when listening to his followers whine and cry about their problems while Douma barely cares, giving them the usual advice. Talking about your insecurities will definitely not work with Douma, so you’ll have to resort to other things to make him listen. Ignoring him is a not very nice way to do it, but at least he’ll start to wonder why you are not around.

He notices immediately when you stop being near him. You’re not sitting by his side during sermons, you’re not in your shared bedroom and the followers commented about how you were seemingly avoiding the Founder. That’s when it finally clicks, you were talking about not feeling enough for him and being insecure about yourself earlier, right? Once Douma chased you down (and persuaded you to leave the garden and step into the shade with him so you two can have a conversation without him needing to yell all over the estate), he theatrically kissed the palm of your hand and kept apologising over and over, almost nervously trying to explain how much he loves you and how irreplaceable you truly are to him and his heart.

You are the first human, first being he felt emotions for. Happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and most importantly love— all the beautiful and unpleasant feelings, Douma began feeling them because of you!

To prove his point in a way, he introduced you to all the unimpressed Upper Moons and his master as “the love of his life”, his wife, his life partner, soulmate and so on and on, mentioning many other petnames until Muzan finally silenced him. Douma invites you to sit right beside him during sermons, instead of having your own cushion, keeping you closer and having the opportunity to openly shower you in affection. He sometimes sends out followers to pick up flowers for you in the garden and then presents then to you as if he picked them out himself, acting like the sun wasn’t out for the last hours, making it not possible for him to get those flowers for you. You appreciate it nonetheless.

“I have an idea! How about we hold an official wedding ceremony with all my followers! We cab invite my other friends too! Ohh, Akaza can be my best man, imagine how that could be, haha!”

Even if Douma is rather comical and theatrical, deep down inside, he is rather afraid of you getting sick of him one day. He knows he can keep his followers charmed and close, but his speeches and charms do not work on you. You see right through him and know the true person, or demon, he is. He is insecure himself because why would you stay with a man-eating demon? Once you mentioned your own thoughts and feelings, he took it as an opportunity to prove that he does cherishes and loves you so, so incredibly much.

Akaza

You… You seriously think that you are not good enough? Not pretty or strong enough? Seriously?

You are the best thing that ever happened and will happen to him. You are patient with him snd so kind, so gentle and affectionate. You heal his soul and now you are talking about being replaceable? He feels incredibly horrible for making you feel so terrible about yourself.

Akaza tries to be more obvious about his feelings for you, trying to reassure you how beautiful you look or saying “I love you” more often, taking your smaller hand into his, nuzzling his cheek in your warm palm. He gets much more touchy, trying to get you to cuddle more and more so he can relish in your warmth and bask in your arms. His time with you is scarce, especially with how Muzan keeps drowning him in more and more exhausting missions that keep him away from you (and sometimes it feels like his master is doing it on purpose), that’s why his eyes do not leave your form for even one second, sometimes quietly mumbling “I love you” against your warm skin, his lips placing kisses between his muffled words.

“There’s no one else I want by my side, bunny. You make me feel warm, fuzzy… safe, y’know. It’s weird but nice. You should feel like that too.. you deserve it.”

Akaza sometimes notices how disgustingly desperate he sounds to comfort and reassure you. It made him cringe once he realised how hard he fell for you, how much he clung onto you and how desperately he craved your love, your touch. Once you start talking about your insecurities about your beauty, self-worth and so on, he realises how much he appreciates you more and more. You’re the most beautiful human he ever came across, you’re heaven-sent. Is it selfish of him to think of you as a blessing from the gods themselves?

Muzan Kibutsuji

He was very perplexed when he first listened to you talking about being insecure, not quite understanding how you out of all people feel replaceable and not enough for the demon king. How could you think such things? Do you not understand how vulnerable he is with you without an audience? At first, he’d dismiss your worries for you just being confused or not feeling well, but a little after a day after your initial conversation, the gears inside his five brains begin to shift and work again. At that moment, he finally realised what you really meant.

Muzan didn’t want to be more affectionate with you, mistaking love with weakness, but after finally realising how you needed the reassurance from him, he begrudgingly gave into his fears of appearing soft and began to show his love more openly.

The demon king began to shower you in various gifts that mark you as his partner, such as a necklace with a ruby matching his eye colour, multiple rings he owns himself so you two can match and an artificial flower crown for you to wear as his soulmate and in a cute way to show off your “royal status” as the partner of Muzan.

“You are the one and only for me, and I am the only one for you. If the gods exist, they have blessed me with merely meeting you in your lifetime… it would be a pity to let it expire so soon. I will happily give you my blood if you’d like, my sun.”

💠

I am back with the Upper Moons, I hope you don’t mind if I changed the female reader to gn, anon! I felt like I wrote a lot of fem reader lately so I wanted to switch it up again. I wonder if it’s obvious wich demon is my favourite XD Anyways— I’m heading to bed now, I an exhausted :,)

Make sure to EAT, SLEEP and DRINK enough!!

Take care of yourselves <33

[sansaorgana]

I need to know how Benny would react to his wife going into labor?

hello, darlings! I decided to use the first request for the requested part two of the fic where Reader is pregnant and tells Benny about it 💐😌

[ PART ONE ]

I had to close my requests for now because I got so many 🙏🏻

Lots of things had changed those past few months. With his ups and downs, Benny Cross had grown into a man who was worthy of becoming a father. He had found a job as a mechanic and although he was still riding with the club, he was no longer leaving you alone for a whole night and you had bailed him out only once those past few months. With the help of Johnny and a few other guys – mostly Cal – he had even managed to prepare a nursery in your house for the baby.

You both were scared, though, and it wasn’t even about the little baby joining your family soon. Benny was scared of failing and not meeting the standards he had set up for himself. He never wanted to be like his own father and disappoint. You, on the other hand, were scared that Benny would just… Break. Pop like a balloon after all those months of trying to be the most proper version of himself. That he’d eventually crack and need to unwind. You couldn’t forget about the fact that your husband was a wild mustang and wild animals would always remain unpredictable – even domesticated ones.

Your biggest fear was that it would happen after the baby would be born and you’d be left alone with a newborn child. If Benny disappeared on you like that, you would find it very difficult to forgive him. But you were nine months pregnant now and he was still with you, trying his best every day. It was making you more and more convinced that as long as the baby was still in your womb, he was fine. But what would he actually do when there would be a tiny human screaming in that crib Benny had built not so long ago? What would he do when there would be actual diapers to change?

However, sharing those doubts with him didn’t feel right. You didn’t want to be ungrateful – after all, he was the best version of himself for you and the baby lately. He had even stopped drinking so much beer. He was taking this new responsibility more and more seriously the bigger your belly grew because it was a proof that yes, it was true – he would become a father.

On that night you were haunted by those thoughts again. In fact, they were especially coming back during those long, sleepless nights and lately every night had been sleepless. Benny was snoring lightly next to you and you were jealous how easy it was for him to drift off to the land of dreams – you knew it was caused by his exhaustion after work but, let’s be real, he had never had problems with falling asleep. His head would touch the pillow and he was a goner that very moment.

You groaned quietly to yourself and changed position for the tenth time that night when suddenly, you felt a sharp pain in your abdomen, which made you hiss. However, you ignored it because those were happening once in a while. 

The pain came back, though, the very moment the previous one subdued completely. You sat up rapidly and held your swollen belly, not wanting to alarm your husband yet but he woke up on his own. Benny moved uncomfortably and opened his eyes lazily.

“You okay, kitty?” He mumbled out.

“I-I don’t know,” you admitted, honestly. Benny furrowed his brows and moved up as well, resting on his elbows as he watched you carefully.

“What do you mean?” He asked, nervously.

“It… Ouch, it hurts,” you told him and winced out of pain.

Benny sat up now and reached his hand to the small lamp on the nightstand table. He turned it on and moved back to you. His rough hands cupped your face and you saw nothing but pure panic in his baby blue eyes. You wanted to comfort him but another sharp pain filled your abdomen as you let out a hiss and groan.

“Fuck, I think it’s time, Benny,” you told him and glanced at the clock. “Wow, the little one really does have a sense of time! It’s three in the morning, god damn it,” you tried to joke a little but Benny didn’t even smile while his face turned a few shades paler.

You moved his wrists away and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to stand up slowly but after a short while, your husband snapped back to reality. He jumped out of bed and hurried to your side.

“No, no, no, you wait here, I… I gotta call Johnny, yeah? We gotta borrow Betty’s car and… Where’s your hospital bag?” He began pacing around the room.

“Benny, calm down, please, it’s not helping me,” you sighed. “The bag’s downstairs already, by the front door.”

Benny nodded and rushed out of the bedroom after grabbing a pair of trousers out of the wardrobe to put them on in the meantime. He was on his way to the telephone because you didn’t own your own car – yet. Thankfully, Johnny and Betty had told you that you could wake them any time and they’d take you to the hospital.

While waiting for him, you were sitting on the edge of your bed and caressing your bump slowly as you tried to take deep breaths in to calm yourself down. Benny was back upstairs very quickly and put on a simple white T-shirt before he approached you with a worried expression on his face.

“Listen, baby, they’re on their way now, we should get goin’,” he crouched down in front of you and rubbed your thighs soothingly. “How you feelin’?”

“Gonna be honest with ya, not very great, been better,” you chuckled at him but he didn’t find it funny. In fact, he looked… sorry? “It’s not your fault, Benny,” you assured him. “Well, technically…”

“I’m sorry I can’t do more. That I can’t make it stop hurting,” he confessed and you were a bit taken aback by such words from Benny Cross himself.

“I wouldn’t want you to feel this pain,” you only cracked a smile at him and caressed his face. “However, I wouldn’t mind sharing some of it with you,” you winked and he stood up to help you do that as well, very gently.

Benny held you by your arms and walked you out of the room. The stairs were the biggest challenge, however, with his gentle guidance and soft encouraging words, you managed to finally walk downstairs. Benny helped you to put a coat over your nightgown and he changed your shoes before grabbing the hospital bag and taking you outside where both Johnny and Betty had been already waiting in her car. It felt very nice to have them both there – they were a real family.

“Don’t worry, baby, it’ll be fine! I’ve been there twice!” Betty looked out of the car’s window to wave at you. “Jump in,” she opened the door and Benny helped you get inside. He placed the bag next to you and sat in the backseat, too.

“Thank you, Johnny,” he murmured and Johnny only nodded before starting the engine.

“Well, you can’t take her on the bike, can you?” Betty asked and you laughed as you imagined that.

“It would surely be a story to tell,” you pointed out.

“Benny, you okay?” Betty turned around to look at your husband and you turned your head to take a look as well. He was even paler than before now and his thigh was trembling. “You’re quiet… More than usual,” she pointed out.

“I’m fine,” he shrugged his arms.

You grabbed his hand to squeeze. You wanted to offer him some comfort but you also wanted to be able to relieve the tension whenever that sharping pain was filling your abdomen.

Thankfully, the hospital was not far away from where you lived. Johnny parked the car and all of you left the car. Johnny lit a cigarette and leaned on the vehicle but Betty joined you inside and you couldn’t be more grateful because Benny was so scared that he couldn’t answer any question asked by the receptionist and then the nurse.

“Are you staying with her?” Betty asked Benny and he gulped at the question. His panicked eyes found yours when you were laying on the hospital bed already; with a nurse preparing you for labour.

“You don’t have to, baby,” you assured him.

Of course you wanted him to be with you but you didn’t want to scare him even further or for him to make a scene and faint.

“I… I’m gonna stay,” Benny nodded at you and you furrowed your brows, surprised. “I just gotta smoke first,” he told you and you nodded back at him.

You watched him walk away and Betty approached you to squeeze your hand.

“He’s not comin’ back, is he?” You asked her.

“No, I don’t think so,” she chuckled and leaned in to kiss the top of your head. “Men aren’t much of a help anyway. You can do it, Mrs. Cross,” she winked at you and walked out as well.

You took a deep breath in and grinned back at an older nurse who had given you a sympathetic smile.

“Are you married for long, Mrs. Cross?” She asked you, trying to distract you from the painful contractions.

“Two years,” you answered.

“Ah, I see,” she hummed to herself. “That woman was someone from the family?”

“No, a friend. She and her husband took me to the hospital. My Benny didn’t buy a car yet,” you explained and she suddenly stopped smiling so nicely as if it was a crime to not be very wealthy. “He has a motorbike,” you told her but it only made her face turn even colder.

“Mhm, he’s one of those,” she commented and you didn’t say anything to that.

To your surprise, the door opened again and Benny walked back inside. You had never seen him in such a worried and stressed state but he sat right next to you and took your hand in his.

“I thought you wouldn’t come back,” you told him. “That you’d just smoke a pack or two outside the hospital until they tell you it’s over,” you explained what you meant.

“Johnny talked me out of it,” Benny confessed.

Few hours later, in the morning, you were already holding your little boy in your arms. You were exhausted and sleepy but you didn’t want to stop staring at his tiny face and beautiful little features. Everything about him was beautiful and fragile – tiny eyes, tiny nose, tiny head, tiny hands with tiny fingers and tiny feet with tiny toes. You watched in awe and Benny did, too, sitting by your side with one of his arms around you.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispered and kissed your temple.

“And I’m proud of you, Benny Cross. You haven’t even fainted,” you chuckled and he rolled his eyes.

Benny reached his finger out to brush your little son’s cheek but he quickly took it away.

“What is it?” You asked him with a furrowed brow.

“I don’t wanna hurt ‘im. My fingers are rough and all that,” he explained.

“Don’t be silly, Benny, you won’t hurt him by touching him gently,” you encouraged him to touch his son again and so he did, very carefully. “You see?”

Benny didn’t answer, focusing on his baby. The soft and loving look on his face suddenly made all your fears wash away. You no longer feared he would leave or run away from this responsibility. Of course, you weren’t delusional enough to think it would be easy. But something about him at this moment made you sure that choosing him as a father of your child was no mistake after all.

“How do you want to name him?” You asked. “After your father perhaps?”

“No,” Benny answered very quickly and cleared his throat before looking at your confused face. “My ol’ man was a piece of shit. My ma told me once that when I was born he was pissed drunk at the bar.”

You nodded your head and you suddenly understood. You understood why Benny had been so nervous and why he had come back to be with you during the labour after all.

“Don’t wanna be like him,” he confessed suddenly and looked down.

“You won’t be,” you assured your husband and kissed his cheek. “You won’t be, baby. You already aren’t,” you pointed out. “Do you wanna name him John?” You changed the subject.

Benny looked at you with a soft smile before placing a kiss on your forehead. Then, he looked down at the little baby in your arms and he bopped his son on the nose.

“Little Johnny Cross. Sounds good to me.”

MASTERLIST || BENNY MASTERLIST

[dreamwavesexploringreality]

SHADOWS OF THE PAST:

NIGHT IN THE LIBRARY PT2

Niragi x reader

TW: Violence, physical harm, abuse of power… Niragi on his own can be a trigger warning…

The cold air of Borderlands burned in her lungs with every breath she took. Her heart raced frantically in her chest, and she could feel the adrenaline coursing through her body, still fresh from the last game she had faced.

In moments like these, wandering aimlessly looking for a place to spend the night, her mind traveled to her most inhospitable memories. She often thought of Niragi Suguru, the boy she had met in the library. Secretly, she had been fascinated by the bespectacled boy since the first time she saw him. It was almost a miracle that he had also felt some curiosity about her and had agreed to go on a simple coffee date. She remembered it as if it were yesterday, almost able to taste the cappuccino on her tongue. But that had been a long time ago. After that unexpected date came others, and then some more, and eventually, the inevitable happened: he kissed her. Y/N wouldn’t consider it the best kiss of her life, but without a doubt, it was the most special, the most real...

Now, all of that remained as vague memories hidden in her mind, casting light on an uncertain future. Sometimes she wondered if he was also in this world, trapped as she was. Then she dismissed the thought as if it were toxic; she didn’t want him to be in a place like this, her innocent and naive Niragi… no, he shouldn’t be in such a place.

Her thoughts were pushed to the background when she heard a scream not far from her position. Her heart raced once again as she tried to decide whether it was worth investigating. Y/N knew it would probably be foolish to approach the place where the screams were growing more and more desperate, but on the other hand, you never knew what the place had to offer... maybe she could get a weapon, or an ally in the best case. She decided to follow the sound of the voice.

She did so cautiously, moving through the shadows and hiding among buildings. She wasn’t willing to face whatever the situation was head-on, so when she got close enough to observe the scene, Y/N remained hidden behind the rubble of some huge building that had succumbed to that hostile land.

The screams and cries clearly came from a man on the ground who was being kicked mercilessly by a group of striking characters. Five, Y/N counted. "Five against one..." she thought.

"Do I have to repeat myself? Give me all your cards!" said one, who seemed to be the leader. He wore a printed t-shirt, and although Y/N couldn’t see his face from her position, it was evident that he emanated a dangerous and intimidating aura. “I would never want to have someone like that as an ally…” she thought, discarding the idea of seeking out a companion, the reason she had approached the scene.

"I told you! I don’t have anything, please, a group attacked me yesterday and took all my cards, maybe they were yours, your friends, definitely. Please don’t hurt me!" the man sobbed from the ground.

Y/N’s heart broke at the sound of that boy's plea for mercy; he couldn’t be much older than her and was just trying to survive, like anyone in that place. Y/N watched in panic as the man she had designated as the leader aimed a large shotgun directly at the man on the ground without hesitation.

"If you have nothing, you’re of no interest to us... Maybe we should get rid of a potential rival... What do you say?" His voice sounded maniacal and disturbing as he laughed along with his three companions.

“Wait… three companions?”

Y/N had no time to think much more when a rough yank on her arm pulled her out of her hiding place.

"Hey, look what I found! We have a little spy among us!" Y/N felt all attention shift to her, and her body froze as she realized the gravity of the situation she had gotten herself into.

The man continued to yank her arm until they reached the rest of the group and forced her to kneel violently beside the man still lying on the ground. She took a quick glance at the man, seeing his bloodied face and imagining the rest of the injuries he might have all over his body, and it was at that moment that she understood she wasn’t going to make it out alive.

“Well, well… what do we have here? What were you doing hiding there, sweetheart? Too shy to join the party?” said the leader, with a sweet and deceptively concerned voice as he crouched down to face her.

It was at that precise moment that two hearts stopped for an instant. There, kneeling before her, with more piercings and predatory eyes she could never have imagined, was Niragi. For a moment, she thought her mind was playing a cruel trick on her in what she considered one of the last moments of her life, but no, it was him. She recognized his facial features, his eyes, even his voice… he was Niragi, her Niragi… Although he might never be “her Niragi” again.

The man wasn’t much better off than her; he recognized her the moment she knelt before him and, for the first time in all the time he had been in Borderlands, his mask fell, and he didn’t know how to act. It was her… “What is she doing here? No, she can’t be here, no… Please, no…”

Neither of them noticed as one of the men rummaged through the girl’s pockets and pulled out a considerable stack of cards.

"Look, Niragi! She has tons of cards, she must be a good player. Maybe we should take her to the beach!"

Neither of them flinched, still lost in their own thoughts.

"Leave us" Niragi broke the silence with a dangerously low voice.

If the men accompanying him were surprised, they didn’t show it; they left, disappearing among the buildings, leaving the pair alone with the man still lying on the ground.

"Are you deaf? Get out!" Niragi barked aggressively, delivering a final kick, full of frustration, to the battered body of the man, who ran away as fast as he could, falling repeatedly.

Silence settled like an unwelcome intruder. Y/N remained kneeling on the ground, staring intently at the man’s face, trying to discern if all of this was real. Niragi, on his part, moved nervously, trying to look anywhere but at the woman still on the ground.

"Get up," he ordered, his voice slightly trembling, trying to regain some of the confidence he seemed to have in abundance until that moment.

Y/N did not obey; perhaps she didn’t even hear him. She was in shock. She couldn’t believe that the man standing before her, with a shotgun in hand, was the same shy, insecure, and withdrawn boy she had come to love. The last kiss they had shared at the doorway came to her mind suddenly, when he had walked her home shortly before the fireworks lit up the Tokyo sky. It had been a cautious, silent, and intimate kiss, sharing the promise of their love. “I couldn’t kiss this man,” she thought, immediately regretting it as she felt a hollow space in her stomach, remembering that this man was Niragi.

The boy sighed impatiently and yanked on the girl's arm, ignoring the spark he felt when touching her skin. He loved seeing people kneel before him, fearing for their lives and begging for his forgiveness… but not her. Something in his body ached and hurt to see her like this before him.

The girl forced herself to stand, not breaking her gaze from his. She reached out tentatively, needing to touch him, needing to know if he was really him, if behind the character her eyes were seeing, there was still the boy from their library nights.

Niragi pulled her arm away with more force than necessary, immediately regretting it. He couldn’t let her touch him, didn’t want to feel her caresses… didn’t want to stain her soul.

"What are you doing here?" he asked harshly, almost growling.

"Niragi…" she whispered. Hearing her own words, she knew at that moment that everything was real.

Niragi’s mask fell a little more upon hearing her voice, and he felt his walls threatening to collapse. No. He couldn’t cry. He wouldn’t.

"This place isn’t for you," he said, stepping brusquely away from her, picking up the cards from the ground that his companion had left. He examined them one by one.

"This isn’t a place for anyone. Not for you," Y/N countered, slowly returning to reality. She felt as though she was waking from a long dream. Niragi, her Niragi… that memory that had allowed her to survive in that place… it had all crumbled.

A sarcastic laugh escaped the man’s lips.

"What do you know? This is exactly my place, the place I’m meant to be…" A thousand unspoken words were left behind. He wanted to tell her how much he missed her, how many times he had thought about her and wished they were together. He wanted to tell her he loved her… But he couldn’t. Not there, not now.

Niragi watched as the girl’s gaze fell, those expectant eyes that had just collided with reality, and he put the deck of cards in his shirt pocket.

"You’re not like this…" Y/N began to say.

"And what do you know?" The words came out harsher than he intended. "This is who I am," he said with feigned pride.

"You’re a monster," she whispered. She wouldn’t have wanted to say it, but the words came out on their own; it was what she had been thinking since she saw him mistreat the man on the ground while hiding among the rubble.

That word pierced Niragi’s heart like a thousand burning daggers. It wasn’t the first time he had been referred to like that, but he never would have imagined Y/N calling him that, and he never would have imagined the pain it would bring.

"Get out. I’ll tell them you escaped," he said, making a heart-wrenching effort and facing the girl with false indifference. "Oh, but I’m taking this with me," he added, touching the pocket of his shirt where he had stored the girl’s cards.

Y/N looked at him, her eyes showing pain and disappointment.

"If that’s what you want," she spoke firmly, ignoring the pain in her heart. She looked at him one last time, trying to find in his gaze traces of the Niragi she knew, the one she loved. She didn’t find them. She turned away, leaving and disappearing into the darkness of the night.

Niragi watched her turn that last time, sharing that final glance. Maybe he would never see her again; Borderlands was not a safe place. He was left alone, watching the place where the girl had vanished, as if hoping she would turn around and run into his arms, as she had done so many times in the past… He remained trembling under the stars, watching as the only light in his life disappeared once more before his eyes, this time because of his own fault. He could previously blame the fireworks that had deprived him of a happy future together… but not now. This was his fault, and he knew it.

© 2024 [@dreamwavesexploringreality]

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Should I continue it?

I've taken some time to write the second part of the Niragi x reader story, and I really hope you enjoy it!

If there's enough interest and feedback, I might consider writing a 3rd PART or even turning it into a series. Your thoughts and comments are greatly appreciated!

[imaginationlover101]

I Have Nothing

Austin Butler x reader

A/N: Finally, after a long awaited time, Part Two to Trust Issues is here!!! This fic can be read alone as well! I hope that you all enjoy!!♡♡

Summary: Avoiding Austin since his reveal, Y/N is left with a burden to carry. The question still remains on whether or not she should reveal her true feelings to him. Who would have known that after 3 months, 1 night out was all it took to fix her doubts.

It was a long, tiring week, and I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my free time relaxing in the comfort of my own home. Even though I was at home safe away from the worries of work and gossip of friends, there was still one thing missing.

The fact that it had been 2 months since I've held a real conversation with Austin. Ever since that day in his apartment, I haven't brought myself to talk to him since. At first, for the first 3 weeks, it had been an ongoing cycle of missed texts and calls from Austin.

For a while, I would skim through our texts, picturing back to our last momenst together. But sooner than later, his calls stopped, voicemails became shorter, and texts slowed down.

I was becoming sick of seeing the "call me" texts, etc. After awhile i became fustrated with myself, contemplating if I should pick up the phone or not. I wasn't mad at Austin for admitting his love to me. It was more so the fact that I couldnt bring myself to the realize the remaining outcome. I was in love with my best friend and couldn't bring myself to tell him.

Negative self image is a horrible thing. Living with the idea that you are not enough, and can never find the "right one" is a horrible way to live. During middle school, is where it all seemed to start off. Teenage girls were always mean, and making freinds was always complicated. Boys never seemed to look my way (leaving me with endless trails of self worry). But then, out of the blue there was Austin.

Compared to all the mean girls and the guys that never cared to look at my way, Austin changed it all. The minute he moved into the small town I called home, I knew it was meant to be. It was almost as if the two of us clicked immediately. With a kind smile and a caring heart, from that day forward I knew Austin would always be there for me.

However, sometimes my heart seemed to think diffrent. Through all the awkward phases, script practices, theater nights to now the hottest upcoming actor the girls, fame, and media always seemed to get in the way. Leaving an underlying trail of insecurities and doubts. I never believed I was good enough for Austin, but it wasn't until recently that it all came into view.

The buzzing of my phone on the kitchen counter slowly brought me out of my thoughts. Groaning I made my way off the couch (which I had been situated at since 4 oclock, and had no plan at all to move)

Making my way towards the counter, I picked up my phone, bringing it to my ear. Suddenly a loud voice pieced through the phone."Y/N WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!"

Immediately I recognized the nitourious voice which belonged to my best friend. Laughing I began cleaning up the counter of old fashion magazines and cookbooks, I haven't seemed to clean up just yet. "I just got home Ivy, and I think I'm going head in for the night "

I could hear Ivy's exatrative sigh over the phone as she talked back and forth to people in her surroundings. The room was loud, and I couldn't make out what she was saying. "HEAD IN! Come on Y/N, how old are you. Helloooo did you forget were celebrating tonight? Come on Y/N come out with us everyone misses you!"

Over the phone I could hear an array of voices all screaming my name. I had to admit I did miss my friends, and although I did decline the offer to go our last week, I was slowly rethinking my descion. However, my laundry basket full of clean clothes, and fresh bedroom sheets sounded tempted. I knew my night was already complete with dessert and romcom later. "Hmm I don't know Ivy, I'm just not up to it right now."

For a moment there was a beat of silence over the phone, that was until I heard a loud gasp coming from the other side of the phone. "Y/N, I hope your kidding! I swear if your still at home thinking about that Austin guy, I will get you up out of that apartment right now. GIRLLL come out already!! Sasha, Chloe, Isabelle, and I are already here!"

Knowing that Ivy wouldn't stop insisting on my whereabouts and presence in the restaurant, I started to wonder why I shouldn't go out? I did miss my friends and maybe changing my scenery for a second would help. Soon, my mind started taking the best of me, and the ambiance of going out started to sound pleasing. Unlike seconds before, my mind was complety flipped and I now felt myself craving going out to be with my friends. Besides, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Handing my keys to the valet, my stomach started to fill with anxiety. It had been the first time I had gone out in almost 3 months, and for some reason I was nervous. Making a note of my surroundings, i started to notice the growing crowd in front of the restaurant. I hadn't seen it this busy for a while and became suspicious with the paparazzi that lurked behind the entrance. What could possibly want now?

Walking with the hostess to the back of the restaurant, I already knew it was a good decision to come out tonight. Ivy had told me they booked half the back room, and as soon as I heard the screams from the girls, I knew my presence was known. Embracing them all with hugs, I began to make my way down to an empty seat next to Ivy and Sasha.

I had to admit, "Barneys" was definitely I had no problem coming out to. The front of the restaurant mostly had a dark and romantic italian vibe to it. Velvet curtains, little lamps on the table, gold silverwear, lovey seats right next to one another. Meanwhile, the back room held an open bar filled with a younger crowd, solizalizing and taking amongst one another. Everyone had a drink or two in their hands and a plate of hor dourves on the table. The back room was dark and romantic, and I couldn't be happier the girls picked this place.

The girls began to fill my hands with menus and suggestions on what drinks to order and a quick treat I should get. For a moment, I forgot all about the Austin situation and let myself be consumed with the talks of my best friends.

Talking about the newest drama in all of our lives, we listened in the best we could, of course, with the loudness of the restaurant and were hooked on every detail. Listening to one another and giving each other advice, we clicked our glasses together and wished for the best night.

"You know, I miss having you out with us Y/N. It's not fair you don't come out anymore!" Chloe says, picking up another glass of rosė. The other girls started to agree with her, and the conversation of Austin was soon brought up. The girls and I all stressed our frustrations towards Austin, until out of nowhere Isabella quickly cuts us off to talk about her latest wedding plans. It was odd at first, but the conversations began to flow.

Just as Isabella started talking about the newest caterer she hired for the wedding, all 4 faces of the girls' faces began to drop. Suddenly, Isabelle switched the conversation yet again and changed the topic to the dead daisies in her garden.

One by one, each girl started to act more and more suspicious. Sasha began to fill my glass to the rim with more wine, while Chloe started complimenting my nails, and Isabella kept on trying to keep my attention directly on her. Finally facing my attention towards Ivy, she slowly shakes her head and begins to rub my hand.

Suddenly for all but a moment, I heard a soft voice mutter "excuse me" as a chair was pulled from the table behind us. My breath stopped for a moment, my face growing seemingly warm. I could feel a precense behind me, but I couldn't seem to look up.

After a moment of disbelief, I turned to look up from my seat. After all this time of hiding and pretending here he was, standing mere inches away from me. I could feel his eyesight on me the minute I turned his way. For a moment, I started to stare at him not truly, believing that he was here right in front of me. As soon as he moved closer, placing a hand on the back of my chair I immediately ran out of my seat.

Looking back at that moment, I couldn't exactly remember what happened. All I know was that when I got up from my seat I had no plan to look back. I was thankful for the private bathroom the restaurant had as I made my way through busy crowd into the quiet hallway.

Finally, as I made my way into the bathroom, I was submerged with a second of peace. Staring at myself in the mirror, I felt a sense of urgency. I needed to get out of this restaurant and home quickly. The dress I had chosen to wear for tonight felt seemingly 2 sizes too tight, and my chest as if it was about to burst.

The man I had been dreading to see for the past few months just showed up at the same restaurant my friends and I were at. I guess the paparazzi outside should have confirmed my suspicions.

I was in no way, shape, or form ready to see Austin. After 5 minutes, I finally realized that hiding in the bathroom from my ex bestfriend was far too childish, but I couldn't seem to care. I had basically embarrassed myself in front of the whole restaurant, so hiding in the bathroom felt like a good idea.

Suddenly, a frantic knocking pulled me out of my panic as I paced back and forth across the floor. "It's occupied!"

I couldn't bother to listen to what the person on the other side had to say, I was too consumed in my own thoughts. But neverless the banging and knocking never stopped. You would think some people had manners?

For a moment, I questioned if the mystery person on the other side of the door could be Austin? At this point, I thought the frantic knocking was just an urgent customer needing to use the bathroom.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly opened the bathroom door. Ready to range my emotions at the unknown suspect, my theories were soon put into check when Austin stood on the other side.

There he stood in all his glory. Standing underneath the fluorescent light for the first time that night, I began to inspect the man standing in front of me. I hadn't seen Austin for quite some time, and I could slowly see the changes in him.

His hair seemed longer and more golden than before, but I couldn't tell if that was from the lighting or the way he styled it. The lingering facial hair that was on his face before was gone, and his face was now shaven clean. Dressed in a white sweater (one that I could have swore we picked out together), black slacks, and his favorite pair of black shoes, I was surprised to see him this put together.

For a second, I was happy to see him. All the memories and sadness I once felt were filled with a tiny bit of relief. Finally, after all this time of hiding, I was able to see the man whom I had been dreading most. I wanted to step forward closer to Austin seeking some sort of comfort, but that was all history after I remembered the reasoning for our fight.

Before Austin could speak, I hastily slammed the door in his face. But of course, that was before Austin wedged his foot in the bathroom door, catching the door with his hand. Pulling and pushing the door between each other, Austin finally had enough pushing the door opening. Stepping into the bathroom, Austin pulled me to the aside with one hand while he closed the door with another. I was finally alone with Austin, and I couldn't think of a word to say.

Realizing that he had finally won, Austin stood against the door in a motion that made me assume no one was leaving. Locking the door behind him, Austin turns around from his stance walking closer to wear I stood in the bathroom. Knowing that I couldn't run away from my problems anymore, I turned my back on Austin. I couldn't look him in the eyes not yet for sure.

Hearing a sigh from the man behind me, I tried to ignore my thoughts seeing as I wanted to turn around against my morals and talk to Austin. I could feel his presence behind me and craved the friend I used to know.

"I'm trying to fix things with you Y/N, but it doesnt help when you want to run away."

I still couldnt face him. I just began to stare plainly at the picture placed ever so crookedly on the wall. For a second I wished I could have become lost in the painting. Just run away from everything and this major talk with Austin.

I guess I had been completely incoherent for too long, because after a while Austin had pulled me away from the painting turning me around to face him. "Seriously Y/N, what are you doing? Why wont you listen to me? Why do you keep running away?"

"I'm not running away from you Austin, I just don't want to talk to you!" Austin nods his head hearing my voice for the first time tonight. Rolling his eyes he begins to make his way towards the wall opposite from me clearly offended by my awnser. Leaning his head in hands, Austin sighs trying to think of what to say.

"I don't get it Y/N, I tried everything! I've called you, texted you, I left you flowers. I don't know what I did wrong." I could tell he was becoming more and more agitated, but I couldn't blame him, how could I tell my best friend I've been avoiding him because I'm too selfish?

"It's just -" Sighing, I began to my trace my fingers along my frame, seeking some sort of comfort within myself. What could I possibly say to him that would make everything seem okay?

Taking a deep breath I fianlly bring my eyes to look at him for the first time this night. "Listen Austin, its me, not you, don't take it the wrong way."

Confusion began to run through his eyes, and his once smooth face became consumed in wrinkles as he scrunched his eyebrows up in worry.

"Don't give me that BS Y/N, I think your forgetting I know you better than anyone else. You cant run away from me anymore. Just tell me the truth, I want to help you!"

I knew I couldn't avoid this conversation anymore, but to be honest I was more embarrassed of it to say anything. In a softer voice than before I slowly made my way closer to Austin.

But of course not too close, I just had to get close enough to make out his face a bit better (or at least thats what I was telling myself).

"I'm not running away from it Austin, it's just.. it's embarrassing."

"You don't have to be embarrassed about anything Y/N. It's just me. I want you back in my life, even if you don't want it. Just tell me what's going on?" His eyes slowly drifted down to mine and for a moment I could help but let my eyes water.

Taking a deep breath in, I prayed that by the end of this conversation everything would work out. By all means this could either change everything for better or worse. "I love you Austin, as a friend, and as something more. I've always loved you, but loving you has always come with a side affect. People are mean, and they try to twist your words and make it sound disgusting. They criticize you and turn there backs and worship you the next day."

"I guess what I'm trying to say is you deserve someone better. You deserve someone who can take it all and throw it away. Your fans want someone who's beautiful inside and out, and I'm not that person, Austin. You need to find someone who completes you better than I do l."

Finally after weeks of holding it all in, I finally said what I needed to say. I had to admit I was scared, but that only lasted for a moment. I could only hope Austin would understand the reasoning behind my sudden leave that day at his apartment.

Suddenly the AC in the bathroom began to turn on again for it's second cycle, and the room was filled with cold breeze. A chill began to run through my body, which didn't help the underlying anxiety I held as I waited for Austin's response. Shivering lightly my attention was distracted for a moment as I began to rub my hand along my body.

I could have sworn Austin was about to leave. For a while he stood blankly staring at me taking in each word that I had said to me. I couldn't see it then, that night Austin had looked at me with eyes I hadn't seen since we were kids. The eyes of someone who had heard news that broke his heard. After all the time of wishing he would go away who would have know that telling the truth would have been the biggest awnser of them all.

Austins reaction to my speech was far from anything surprising. For a moment he turned around staring at himself in the mirror behind him. If anything he looked more disgusted than sad. His face merely turned sour at the words of me not being good enough in his eyes, and I could tell he was trying to hold back what he truly wanted to say.

Through the mirror I watched as he ran his fingers through his hair, running the once perfect slicked hair he had just a moment ago. Finally turning around to face my way, Austins face was started to become slightly red and when I looked at him again his eyes seemed to match mine. Frustrated, confused, but oh so in love.

"I just dont understand Y/N, how could you say those things about yourself when your not them at all. Why are you trying to look through the eyes of other people, when the only eyes you should be looking through right now are mine. I could care less about what other people think or how they act around me. The only person I care or ever cared about was you, and I'll be dammed if these "people" are going to ruin something that we have!"

Taking a step closer to me, Austin moves so that our feet are directly across from one another. The tears that I so desperately tried to hide emerged, and soon the facade that I held was broken. Placing a hand on my face, he begins to cup my cheek leaving little to no space available between us.

Staring up into his blue eyes, I could feel his eyes directly on mine, and I knew I had his utmost attention. "I love you, Y/N, and I'll never stop loving you. The opinions of others are never going to change how I feel about you."

"I love you too, Austin." In a voice as soft as a whisper, I lean in closer so that my hands could slowly trace around his neck. With my face underneath his, he leans in locking his eyes with mine. With our faces near one another, he leans in sealing our lips together in a comforting embrace.

Finally, after months of hiding my feelings, Austin finally knew how I felt. After Austin and I walked back to our tables adoring a smile (none of of our friends had seen before), we walked hand in hand happy with the outcome of the night.

For once in our lives we didn't have to pretend that our feelings for one another were in the dark. After years of hiding away I knew that Austin and I would never be the same as what we were. From that day forward I never had to worry about the underlying opinions from those who weren't Austin. Anytime I had a doubt he was quick to reasure me, and from that moment on I was quick to tell myself that I didn't need to worry because I am his and he is mine.

[lilithyvenus]

acknowledging your mother wound and how to heal it - pick a card reading

hello there. i thought this would be a great introduction to my reading style, especially fitting as it's a monday. it's painful to accept that your mother was your first enemy. although the idea of a mother as we've been taught and shown onscreen (both big and small) is worth examining in itself (being self-sacrificial in vain, being one dimensional, etc), one should still be able to count on their mother to nurture their emotions. i hope you can find wholeness, with or without her.

for today's pile selection, we have marina as the housewife archetype from her electra heart era. extremely fitting with the album and the persona being an exploration of wounded versions of different feminine archetypes.

group one

your cards: strength in reverse + seven of cups in reverse + six of wands + judgment

your mother has instilled in you a fear of being seen, particularly in regards to achieving public-facing dreams. whether she was conscious of it or not, she has taught you to expect negative criticism and to be mistrustful of your own skill and capability. for those of you who are fat, she probably didn't even realise that her trying to make you smaller as a way to secure you better treatment in the world just reinforced that it's your body that makes you unworthy of adoration. you exist to be seen and valued for what you have to offer. this is not to say you won't be envied or spoken badly of, but that it is in the figurative cards for you to thrive, but only if you take the plunge. you work towards healing this wound by understanding that she was projecting onto you, clumsily attempting to save you from scrutiny, and most likely butter about her own dreams remaining unfulfilled. it is not my place to tell you to forgive her, only to understand that you have access to media that tells you you can be more, and she likely didn't at your age.

your channeled songs + films + books

- the beauty myth by naomi wolf

- i'm coming out by diana ross

- wicked (both the book and the musical; the former to explore how one is taught to loathe themselves and the latter to remember you can liberate yourself)

group two

your cards: eight of wands + knight of pentacles + queen of wands in reverse + seven of cups

similar to group one, your mother actively discourages you from pursuing your goals. however, she's definitely aware of what she's doing. she knows the power of her words over you, and she is masterful at making it seem like the seeds of doubt she plants are yours. she is draining you because it's easier to live with herself if you're both miserable, and you actually need to leave if you can. you heal this wound by accepting that she is absolutely the adult here and she knows better; there's only so much empathy you can have for someone who chooses to be cruel. you're being asked to remember that there's people around you who can help get you out of this, and that you don't have to gather proof of anything; you know she's making you feel awful, that's reason enough to hate her presence. for someone, it's okay to hold hate for her, it doesn't make you a bad person.

your channeled songs + films

- starring role by marina

- mother dearest

- girls in the hood by megan thee stallion

group three

your cards: queen of wands + eight of swords in reverse + king of wands in reverse + king of pentacles in reverse

is your mum homophobic and/or transphobic? first of all, she'll be dead in no time so she won't force you into heteronormative performance your whole life, don't worry. seriously though, someone here is being forced to perform a gender or a sexuality that doesn't align with them because their hating ass mum won't mind her own fucking business. in general, your mother is actively suppressing you learning how to stand by and for yourself. she has kept you from getting to explore who you are, expecting nothing but Good ChildTM from you, and whether she's aware of it or not, it's limiting your growth both internally and in the material world. you're being asked to acknowledge that you weren't made the way you are by accident, the only actual issue is bigotry that surrounds you. that is to say, trans and queer people aren't accidents, they just exist in a world full of bigots. what you can do is fully embrace yourself, because that's how you'll find your chosen family.

your channeled songs + films

- holy by jamila woods

- stone butch blues by leslie feinberg

- freaky friday (the one with lilo)

[myheadsgonenumb]

Much as I love the wolfstar we get in canon (and I do) I'm still a firm believer that they were never actually together. Their love for each other leaps off the page, in their forty line stares and silent communications, and yet is the very definition of "the love which dare not speak its name" - and ughhh! the pining, the longing, the heartbreak... *screams into pillow*

fanfic, then (at least for me) is about giving them the chance to actually speak up and be happy - either in an AU or a canon divergent fic (but never a canon compliant one - in those it has to remain with the longing and the pining and the... *screaming into pillow*)

So, although I love thinking about my favourite canon wolfstar moments, I've been thinking about some of my favourite actual wolfstar moments that I've written - the chances I have given them to be happy - and having great fun going through my old stories and finding them.

This one is from chapter 35 of Dark Things Are To Be Loved In Secret

(In which Sirius announces his love for Remus to the entire Wizengamot... much to the wizengamot's consternation)

**************

‘I made a mistake about Remus,’ Sirius said, through gritted teeth. He did not bother to correct her on using Remus’ name - he knew he would get nowhere. He could not shame her with her own bigotry as he had Crouch. ‘I realised that much, when I stood in the ruins of my friends’ home and saw what Peter had done. I knew if I left without him, he would believe Dumbledore. He would grieve alongside … this .’ He shot a disgusted look at Peter, who was still weeping. ‘I couldn’t let that happen. I needed him to know the truth.’ 

Umbridge’s smile was wide in her froggy face. ‘You were happy for Dumbledore to tell the world that you were the spy, but not this one … well, man , as you will no doubt try and claim it is.’  

‘I could bear everybody’s hatred but Remus’.’

‘Oh how touching.’ She laughed again. ‘Why should we believe that?’

‘Because it’s true. Because I love him.’ He felt his face grow warm as he said that.

‘You “love” him. This animal. That you thought was the spy. You want us to believe you love him?’          

‘I do,’ his voice burst out in an angry yell - and he stared daggers at the hideous woman. ‘It hurt more than I could bear to cut him from my heart, when I thought he was working for Voldemort - and even in that house of death, it brought indescribable joy when I knew I could love him again. I went to him because I love him. He ran away with me because he loves me . And there was nothing more sinister or complicated to it than that. We are in love.’  

[kevinationnto]

The Red Queen's Request

"Your Majesties." the Mad Monk began. "May I know the reason you have sent for me?" he said, as he stood before the Red Rulers. The Red Queen, though she had her usual glare on, was pleased to recieve a devout loyalist. The Red Prince, who never was interested in the running of the kingdom, looked on, bored. The Red King could only sigh sadly and stare at the floor for the entire duration of the exchange, still despondent over the loss of Eggbert and his very good advice.

"Very well." The Red Queen replied. "Now that that NO-GOOD, TREASONOUS EGG-" she nearly yelled, before instantly regaining her composure, "-is gone from our court, we are in desperate need of an adviser who will help us keep our court, and our kingdom, in line. I have not forgotten your words to us."

The Mad Monk answered her, "Your Majesties, I have told you a million times. The kingdom is all well and good, and your court will remain loyal to you. They won't ever revolt, they all want to keep their heads. But..." the Mad Monk continued, "... since I see that your request is a most urgent matter, I would be foolish to refuse. I have no love for that egg, and I have what we need to keep everyone in line."

The Mad Monk, you see, cared nothing for the Red Royal Court or Wonderland, or her people. He especially despised Eggbert- him and his soft-heartedness. The Red Rulers had every right to be strict and stern with their courtiers and their people. Who was Eggbert to interfere? Eggbert cared nothing about climbing the ranks. He was only dedicated to peace, service and very good advice. The Mad Monk only wanted more and more power, and to watch Wonderland burn with chaos and disorder. And although he had nothing to do with Eggbert's banishment, the Mad Monk was only too happy to fill in the power vacuum he'd left.

Then, he said the words the Red Queen wanted to hear- "Therefore... I will be humbled and honored to assist you, as your most trusted adviser, and confidant."

"Good." the Red Queen said ominously. "With you by our side, I do not doubt that all of Wonderland shall kneel before us!"

Some Proposed Headcanons of Mine

When I saw the Mad Monk, I was immediately wowed. @thealmightyfruitcake is a genius. The perfect villain to be beside the Red Rulers! As I read his character card, ideas flared up in my head. Ideas that fit perfectly with the story of Eggbert, my own OC.

I then came up with a headcanon- the Mad Monk, upon becoming the Red Rulers' top guy, would undo everything Eggbert did. The Red Rulers' abuses against their courtiers, including Ragthy Ann, would increase tenfold, he'd steadily increase his power and influence over the Red Royals, and Eggbert would not be there to stop it. However, being the tricky trickster he is, the Mad Monk would secretly defect to the White Queen before the Red Queen's defeat. After the Red Rulers' exile, he bitterly watched Eggbert assist the White Rulers in reforming and ruling benevolently over Wonderland. But when Eggbert eventually left to spread reformist ideas to other lands, he hatched a plot to rescue the Red Rulers from the Nothing Atoll. He unfortunately succeeded, setting the stage for...

... the War of the Looking Glass.

But it'll be some time before my next comics arrive.

My mind immediately highlighted parallels with the sacking of Dr. Dillamond and his replacement by Dr. Nikidik, (Wicked) and the histories of the following countries:

🇬🇧: The Good Parliament of 1376 did its best to reduce corruption in the Royal Council, but John of Gaunt, the Duke of Lancaster, had the Bad Parliament, which undid what the Good Parliament did, convene the next year.

🇮🇹: Supporters of Girolamo Savonarola, the Mad Monk of Florence and a fierce critic of the Medici, burned thousands of artworks and other objects in the Bonfire of the Vanities of 1497.

🇵🇭: In 1871, Carlos Maria dela Torre, the beloved Spanish Governor-General of the Philippines, was replaced by the tyrannical Rafael Izquierdo, who reversed the reforms dela Torre had instituted. This led to the Cavite Mutiny and the execution of the GomBurZa.

🇷🇺: After the Russian Revolution of 1905, Prime Minister Pyotr Stolypin enacted a series of reforms but continued repressing would-be revolutionaries.

Sorry I bored you, but I have an uncontrollable love of history!

I hope you like the comic I spent a couple of hours on. And as always, feel free to ask me questions about Eggbert and anything related to him!

Wonderland AU and Red Prince belong to @endomentendo

The Mad Monk belongs to @thealmightyfruitcake

[driftbit]

I'm doing @batmanisagatewaydrug's 2025 book bingo card! Thank you to him for these wonderful prompts. I intend to fill the card and update every five books with what I've read! I won't always be this quick, my semester hasn't yet started. Under the cut will be my thoughts about the books I've read so far.

Up Next: At some point I'm gonna reread The Name Of This Book Is Secret by Pseudonymous Bosh which was a favorite of mine when I was a kid. I'm also notoriously Not a romance reader amongst my coworkers, and have inadvertently formed a book club to read Cubs & Campfires by Dylan Drakes in February.

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi is the memoir I read. Initially this was going to be my graphic novel/manga pick and I was going to kick the can down the road for memoir since I don't tend to enjoy them, totally forgetting that Graphic Novel Memoirs Exist And I Own One. This one was fun! I have wanted to get back into manga, and this was a decent place to start. I liked the color palette a lot, although I found the paneling overall very straightforward, the art often replicating what was going on in the text. The story and the journey Nagata went through was really compelling, her frankness was eye-opening, and I really valued hearing her insight on getting oneself to grow for yourself.

Friday Black by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah is the collection of shorts stories I chose. I've had it on my to read list for a while since the last story was mentioned by one of my favorite essayists. It was brutal. The stories really have stuck with me, they're very heavy reads with very little hope, the final stories being the most hopeful of the lot. I really enjoy stories about cycles of violence, and there are a wide variety in here with different points of view, some of which are excruciatingly uncomfortable. Hope isn't often present which makes the spots of it really pop out more.

Boy Island by Leo Fox was recommended to me by my friend and coworker-librarian. They've been getting back into comics while I've been easing away from them for a while. My friend and I have been talking together about being both trans and librarians and tired and frustrated at the world. This book helped remind me I need to get weirder I need to remain freaky as shit in the face of wanting to be The Good Trans Person That People Can Accept Right? (Wrong).

Drowned Country by Emily Tesh is the sequel to the final book I read in 2024, Silver in the Wood, which I loved and ended up crying over. I'm not immune to bears (gay). I have nothing but ire for this sequel. I cannot recommend it. The melancholy ending of the first book? GONE. Fun voice of the bear-huntsman-immortal-man who is very soft spoken and contentious? GONE. Worldbuilding? BROKEN. Just read Silver in the Wood and be done with.

Harrow the Ninth by Tasmyn Muir is my science fiction book. HOOOOOOO BOY. I read Gideon the Ninth last year in December and I already feel like I need to reread both of these. Muir does such a good job tossing you in a world and being like Figure It Out, Sucker! The second ish person point of view. CRAZY GOOD. Had me slack jawed multiple times. Still kinda doubt that I fully understand what was happening at times, especially now that we have complicated bloodline stuff, BUT I'm havin' fun. I love bones. I love weird flesh stuff. I love whatever the fuck is going on with God. One flesh one end.

[jellyrabbitz]

𝓜𝓪𝓷𝓲𝓯𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓦𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝓔𝓶𝓸𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼

Don't ever suppress your feelings in the name of the law of assumption or attraction.

Contrary to popular belief, feelings do not manifest; if you get sad over something and spiral for a little, that doesn't mean you're going to somehow attract more misery into your life, or that your manifestations will instantly fall apart.

Allow yourself to process your emotions. You don't have to remain in a happy or fulfilled state at all times to manifest. Many of you in this community seem to think you have to keep your 'mental diet' in check, but I don't believe it's necessary. Forcing yourself to think only positive and happy thoughts 24/7 is exhausting, isn't it? When I first joined this community, all it did was burn me out. I even began to experience lower back and hip pain because of how much I held in. Often I found myself thinking, "Why do I still feel so miserable even though I've supposedly been doing everything right?"

It's because shoving down your frustration and agony only riles it up more until it rears back up angrier and gnarlier than before, like a nasty untamed beast.

Don't be like me and simply let the emotions roll over you instead of fighting them. They're gone much quicker when you allow them to come.

Look, your manifestations will come regardless of how you feel. Think of it this way, you might get pissed over how long it's taking your package to arrive, but it's still on its way to you. So let it all out because there is nothing to worry about, you aren't going to ruin your 'package' just with some silly emotions. Seriously, don't listen to whoever came up with the whole 'negative emotions ruins your manifestation' bs.

Besides, 'perfect' people have their bad days as well. I see some coaches saying, "if you were your desired self, would they be having this negative thought?" Yeah, she might actually, because she's still a human being and not some unreachable goddess without emotions. Even people with their dream lives have negative thoughts just like anyone else. This idea that our 'ideal selves' have no negative thoughts or emotions EVER feels ridiculous to me.

Let's face it, it's normal for a lot of us in this community to feel discouraged. Trust me, I get it, it may look like nothing is going your way and this is all pointless. You might check the 3D and wilt when you realize nothing seems to have changed. There's nothing wrong with that! Checking the 3D is a normal thing for us to do-just like checking if our package is on the way-and I honestly think 'ignore the 3D' or 'the 3D isn't real' is harmful advice.

The way I like to see it is that the 3D is merely a reflection of my old and shitty thoughts that isn't permanent, and whenever I manifest it's like I'm planting a seed.

Instead of trying to force yourself to believe your 3D is perfect now, (which is extremely difficult for those of us who have terrible circumstances and can also be bad for your mental health) it may be better to acknowledge your current situation but know that it's changing.

I'd like to give an example from my own life, since I know my wording may seem confusing to some. A few weeks ago I received the news that my uncle was bound to die very soon, and they were putting him on a ventilator. Obviously I was upset after hearing this, and I allowed myself to wallow in sadness for a few minutes. Everyone around me was convinced he wouldn't make it.

Although I was miserable, I still persisted in the thought that he would pull through. I didn't even do any of my usual methods such as scripting and just told myself, "I know he will make it."

A few days later my aunt called me overjoyed. The hospital suddenly switched up and said he wasn't doing as bad as they thought, and he wouldn't even need the ventilator!

See? I still manifested even while I was sad, even while I had doubts, and he made it through. This is only one example of many.

You can manifest while feeling any emotion, even the acrid ones that feel like they're eating you up inside. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[fanatic564]

Abandon Weakness (Am I a Weakness?) (DPxDC) Chapter 2

Chp 1 Learning Weakness 1 2 AO3 Link Here Chapter Summary Danny makes it to Gotham, but quickly discovers that it is the haunt of a powerful, and frankly terrifying, ghost.

Pre-A/N: Welp, instead of working on the main story, I once again procrastinated by working on the prequel. I will say, however, that this has probably been my most favorite chapter to write of this series yet (it's also the longest). I hope y'all enjoy!

Gotham City is both exactly what Danny expected and nothing at all like he expected. He expected the ambient ecto, the feeling of fear and pain that shrouded the city when he stepped in its limits.He had expected the other emotions in the mix, like joy and safety and protection, likely caused by the vigilantes that helped those around them. He even expected the gloom, the cloud-covered sky and tall dark buildings blocking what little sunlight peaked through the dark cover above.

What he hadn't expected was the crushing feeling of leave stay away mine THREAT GO AWAY that flooded in as soon as he crossed the border into the city. The instinct to bow down to a creature more powerful than anything he's ever seen, or to run away as he was told and never look back. The feeling that he just trespassed somewhere he shouldn't have even looked at, let alone actually entered.

He hadn't expected Gotham City to be the haunt of an overprotective and powerful ghost.

Danny thinks back on everything he's learned from his ghost mentors about the etiquette of entering another ghost's haunt. Introduce yourself to whoever the ghost is. Ask for permission and state your reasoning for entering. Bring a gift, usually one relating to the ghost's obsession. All things Danny didn't do before entering, couldn't do now that the owner was aware of his presence. And now that owner is angry.

He feels a tug on his core, an angry grip trying to drag him further into the city. It startles him at first, not used to feeling it so strongly while in human form. Not wanting to anger the ghost anymore than he already has, Danny follows the pull into a nearby alley that Danny notes isn't visible from the main road. The further in he gets, the darker the alley seems, until Danny figures the only reason he can still see clearly is because of his halfa status. The tugging on his core stops when he reaches a dead end in the alleyway. Despite both him and the ghost knowing a simple wall won't stop him from continuing, Danny has a feeling he wouldn't be able to escape if he tried.

Danny notices the moment a faint green light starts to reflect on the wall in front of him, and he knows that whoever owns this haunt is now standing right behind him.

"Phantom" A voice rasps, and the ghost knowing his name, while he looks human no less, is not the only reason a shiver runs down his spine. The voice is gravelly, as if the speaker smokes a pack of cigarettes a day, although knowing where he is now it's more likely from the smog filling the air in the city. He feels a sense of danger in the voice, and knows without any doubt that if he messes up this interaction, this ghost could End him with ease.

Danny takes a breathe before turning around slowly. He bows his head and keeps his eyes on the ground as he does, a sign of submission he hopes will calm the ghost in front of him enough for a civil conversation. From this angle, he can only see their feet, or lack-thereof. Instead, wisps of gray smoke trail off of what could be considered their legs, almost identical in color to the smog surrounding the city. After a moment, the ghost continues speaking.

"Why have you dared to enter my city? We have an agreement. I remain neutral in your politics, and you and your people stay far away from my city and people."

Danny doesn't break eye contact with soda can he's been staring at on the ground as he voices his confusion. "I'm not sure what you are referring to. I am here on personal business, and had no idea Gotham was the home of another ghost. If I had known, I would have performed proper etiquette to ask for access."

"You would have still requested access to my city, knowing I don't take kindly to interlopers?"

"Again, I'm not sure what you're referring to. I don't actually know who you are."

"Hm" Danny watches in his peripherals as the ghost circles him. He keeps his breathing calm, even as the smoke wafting off of the ghost and into the air encompasses him completely. "I suppose you are fairly new to your…role." Danny tries to suppress a flinch, but he doesn't think he managed if the ghost's pause means anything. "It's possible that you haven't yet been informed of my agreement with your court."

Danny feels a cold finger touch his chin, forcing him to look away from his emotional support soda can. His gaze travels up the ghost's form before landing on cold, colorless eyes that feel as if they pierce into his core.

"However, you still have not answered my question, Phantom. Why have you entered my domain? What personal business do you have that requires you to be here? And do try not to lie. I will know if you do." The smoke around him swirls as if in response to their words.

Danny takes a moment to get his thoughts together, and as he does he takes in the ghost in front of him. The ghost is tall, having to lean down quite a bit in order to meet his eyes, even with his head tilted up as it is. They are lithe, but in no way do they look delicate. Their coloring is dark. Even with the green glow of ectoplasm that makes them up, it feels as if they suck in all other light surrounding them. That explains the unnatural darkness of the alley at least.

Their hair is long, pulled up into a complicated style that Danny is pretty sure would not work if gravity affected it like a normal person. It almost reminds him of the fancy hairstyles he would see in period films or in his history books. On top is a large sunhat, casting a shadow on an already sunless face. The sunhat is fancy, with a plethora of webbing or ribbon or something that Danny can't really make sense of. The only thing that really sticks out is the bat decoration nestled among the lace.

The dark black that makes up their outfit flows down their legs like a dress and fades into the dark gray smoke Danny has become familiar with. Along their arms, their dress turns to thin black lace, showing the 'skin' underneath. And that is where Danny notices the one part of this ghost that isn't colorless and dark. On their arms are what appear to be tattoo sleeves, parts of which almost glow from the saturation of color, especially when compared to the monochrome of the rest of the ghost. He can't quite make out the full design, but he can see some of the saturated blobs and the immediate picture beside them. The most notable one appears to be a bunch of different stylized yellow R's, forming a circle surrounded by dark gray clouds. An imitation of a sun peaking out of a storm most likely, although Danny isn't sure what the R's represent. He's pretty sure he can see one blue and two red birds flying amongst the clouds, separate flecks of light in the otherwise dark sky of skin.

Danny is so enamored by the ghost's appearance that he loses himself in the moment. Soon it becomes way longer than is probably acceptable for a response, but he doesn't even notice. He only does when he feels that cold finger still on his chin tilt his head higher so he once more meets eyes with the ghost.

"I'm waiting, Little Ghostling." The name, which feels like it should be a thing of endearment, feels like a taunt coming from the ghost's lips.

Danny has to remember what question he was asked, being so distracted by the ghost's appearance, but he finally thinks of how he wants to answer. He doesn't want to go into full detail with this ghost he doesn't know, and so he thinks of what he can exclude. He finally thinks of a starting point that should hopefully satisfy the ghost.

"I'm looking for someone."

"Oh? And who is it that you just have to get to?"

"Nowadays, he goes by Damian Wayne." The feeling is so sudden, Danny doesn't register it at first, but soon he is almost choking on the feeling of protectiveness and danger that suddenly surrounds him, amplified by the smoke that gets thicker around him. The ghost's voice booms as they speak up.

" What reason do you have to seek out the son of my Knight?

Knight? "U-uh" Just tell the truth Danny. "He's my brother."

The smoke surrounding him somehow seeps closer, and Danny squeezes his eyes shut. It's only when the sensation eases, and the ghost lets out a light hum, that he opens them once more. There is curiosity in the ghost's gaze, as opposed to the heat and threat that had been there just moments before.

"Interesting. You do not seem to be lying. Explain, Ghostling. How is it we are only learning of you now?" We?

Danny decides it's probably best to just fully explain his situation. Trying to be vague seemed to cause too many strong emotions from the ghost, and he would rather there not be any misunderstandings. So he starts talking. His birth family. His adopted family. His deaths. His parents discovering his ghost status. His choosing Gotham as his destination.

He still doesn't go into full detail, but it's enough for the ghost to get the gist of it. They listen closely, and Danny can feel some of their emotions and reactions seeping into the smoke around him. He can also feel as his own emotions seep into the smoke as well. It's almost therapeutic, feeling his own emotions echoed back at him, even if he knows this ghost can feel them as well. Can feel his anger towards his parents, his determination to see his brother, his fear of being abandoned a third time , his insecurities of the roles pushed onto him by others. When he's done, the ghost allows the silence that follows to linger, observing Danny with a thoughtful eye instead of responding. Danny has to resist the urge to make himself smaller under their gaze.

When they finally speak, it is a quiet whisper to themself, but Danny is still able to make out the words. "So the Little Ghostling is my Knight's Prince. Then he will be my Little Princeling as well."

Louder, the ghost speaks to him directly. "Very well Phantom. I shall open my haunt and allow it to be yours as well."

Danny's eyes widen. "No no. You don't need to go that far! Simply allowing me to reside here for now would be enough. I could pay you back for the ambient ecto I absorb. There's no need for me to fully haunt your city."

The ghost's voice softens as they speak next. It is the friendliest he has heard the ghost be. It almost sounds like a mother consoling her child. "It is already done, my Little Princeling." Danny doesn't know how he feels about the nickname, but he doesn't want to comment in fear of earning the ghost's ire once more. They could take back their amnesty at any moment, after all.

"I am now your home. My streets are mapped into your core, my shadows shall be your willing blanket, my people shall be your kin. As long as you never abandon her, Gotham shall never abandon you. I shall take my leave now, my Little Princeling, but know that from now on you are mine, and I protect those who are mine."

The ghost starts to turn away, but Danny has one more question he needs answered before he can process what has just happened.

"Wait!"

The ghost stops their half turn, but doesn't turn back to look at him.

"Just who are you, anyway."

The ghost lets out a laugh, less gravelly than their talking voice. If anything, its almost like a child's laugh, young and high and free. It echoes throughout the alley. No that's not quite right. It's less of an echo, and more as if the alley is laughing along.

"Have you not figured it out yet?"

The walls of the alley seem to close in, and the smoke no, the smog, how could he have thought of it as anything else thickens even more somehow. And Danny knows, a moment before the ghost speaks it into existence. This ghost doesn't just live in Gotham, the city of tall dark silhouettes, and all consuming smog. The city of colorful birds and dark bats flying in its skies.

"I am Lady Gotham."

She is this city.

End Notes: Can you tell who my favorite character to write this chapter was? (It's obviously Danny's emotional support soda can.)

I didn't realize just how much fun I was going to have with Lady Gotham until I started writing her.

Feel free to point out any mistakes.

[nesiacha]

One of the creepiest things among the many betrayals by Fouché for me

Yes, he did many horrible things, one of the most notorious being when his police tortured people, whether they were innocent or guilty, royalists or Jacobins, such as what happened in Lyon. Yes, he was involved in many schemes, sometimes horrifying (I will soon look into the case of Clément de Ris), betraying many people, including his colleagues and close ones (like Collot d'Herbois). But one of the creepiest things, in my opinion, concerns the Babeuf family, more specifically the sons of Gracchus Babeuf.

In Le Tribun du Peuple, at one point, Gracchus says that he had recommended his children to Fouché (Emile and Camille Babeuf, presumably), with this excerpt: "When I left to be exiled to the North, I believed I could place enough trust in you to recommend my children. They went to see you" (Le Tribun du Peuple, no. 35, 9 Frimaire, Year IV). Years later, Fouché struck a hard blow in the Jacobin arrest list, as Marie-Anne Babeuf, widow of Gracchus Babeuf, was included. Some claim she wasn't politically active, but I strongly doubt that: she was a woman known to be her husband's political right hand, with a terrifying strength of character who never renounced her husband's name, who campaigned politically, and who, even after his death, associated with prominent Jacobins like Felix Le Peletier, probably René Vatar, and others, as you can see in my posts here: Marie-Anne Babeuf: A Largely Forgotten Figure, In Honor of Gracchus Babeuf's Recent Anniversary, and Gracchus Babeuf's Position on Women's Rights. Moreover, this Jacobin arrest list met many specific criteria, even though among them were people who had committed nothing more than "insults and threats against the government" (excerpt from Natalie Petiteau) (in my opinion the widow Babeuf had to continue the fight in her own way like the widow of Marat as well as the sister of Marat hence the fact that she found herself in this list of arrests of the Jacobins in 1801 including with the two women after all Albertine Marat was a subscriber to the newspaper of the Tribun du Peuple). But for me, the worst part is the second time, during the First Malet Conspiracy case.

In fact, the widow Babeuf had her papers confiscated by the police and underwent a rather harsh interrogation, according to Jean Dautry. (This was the second time Marie-Anne Babeuf had run-ins with the Napoleonic police, and consequently, the second time Fouché targeted her). Marie-Anne Babeuf's son, Emile Babeuf, avoided arrest because, as far as I understand, he was in another country for work, so the police had no reason to arrest him.

So, Fouché, who had known Emile Babeuf as a child, years later attempted to have him arrested. Emile only avoided arrest because he was out of the country, if I understood correctly. Yes, Emile Babeuf would become an activist, but I don't think it was in that year. Furthermore, although the Babeufs were activists, they weren't involved in the First Malet Conspiracy (at least the confiscated papers were later returned).

Yes, I know that Fouché had manipulated Gracchus Babeuf until he realized who Fouché truly was and denounced him, but it still remains creepy. He knew well the wife of Gracchus Babeuf (that's certain, as she always assisted her husband) and their children (to the point where Gracchus temporarily trusted him with the welfare of his children, Emile and Camille). Years later, the repressive machine came down on them twice. I don't think Fouché can be excused by saying he was serving Bonaparte. I mean, Gaspard Monge protected Pache, Saint-Jean d'Angely protected Felix Le Peletier, and Réal probably protected the Babeufs.

Yes, we're likely talking about the destroyed friendship and even what Robespierre did to the Desmoulins couple, but I find what Fouché did, posthumously, to Gracchus Babeuf and especially to his children, creepy. With this, I think there's even more reason not to blame the widow of Collot d'Herbois for not standing in Fouché's way for what he did to her husband or for not fight for the political beliefs of her husband , and even for accepting the pension from Fouché. Just look at what he did to the Babeuf family. That's what would have happened to the widow of Collot d'Herbois in my opinion if she had opposed him.

P.S:If you want to learn more about the relationship between Gracchus Babeuf and Fouché, click here: Excerpts from Letters and Chapters of Historians.

[somuchbetterthanthat]

Jonah Magnus. [...] I suppose I had always hoped there was a chance he was… innocent in all this. I know, I know. But I had – (sigh) I just – hoped that maybe the founding of the Institute was in earnest, and not simply the foundation-stone for all the terrible things that have happened here. But no. Whatever is happening now has its origins two hundred years ago, in the work of an evil man.

MAG 127, Remains to be seen

Why does a man seek to destroy the world? It’s a simple enough answer: for immortality and power. Uninspired, perhaps, but – my god. The discovery, not simply of the dark and horrible reality of the world in which you live, but that you would quite willingly doom that world and confine the billions in it to an eternity of terror and suffering, all to ensure your own happiness, to place yourself beyond pain and death and fear. It is an awful thing to know about yourself, but the freedom, Jon, the freedom of it all. I have dedicated my life to handing the world to these Dread Powers all for my own gain, and I feel… nothing but satisfaction in that choice.

MAG 160, The Eye Opens

March 2nd 1845 It is done, and I am surprised to find how little remorse I feel.

Protocol 27, Driven

Something about Jonah Magnus slowly uncovering the truth of his own nature, the length he will go to be safe and happy at the cost of everything and everyone else.....

The diary doesn't say, but did he have doubts while he selected Archibald, or was the fear only that Archibald wouldn't say yes, or that his friends would understand what he was planning to do?

I also love that the first entries don't let us see anything else than a man frustrated by not succeeding in his work, trying to keep faith that he is in the right direction, and then stumbling on something even greater and more dangerous that his curiosity won't let it forget. His mind WANTED to latch unto this, unto the Fears, to give back meaning to what he'd been doing. And, in doing so, he slowly realized his own selfishness, his own capacity for monstruosity... And he found it freeing.

Although we still can't know for Archives!Jonah, since he had started the Institute on his own and by 1845 in the Archives timeline already knew very well the Fears and had let some friends die over them to witness the effects, it DOES feel like protocol!Jonah DID start at a more "innocent" stage (or, at least, less endangering of others) like Jon had wanted to believe....

Jonah the man you are. I love you so much. Now that we had one glimpse at your diary I want seventy hundreds more....

[kaji-todoroki]

"My name is Kaji Black." "I am the son of the blue flame, Dabi, and the bearer of the frozen fire." "To the world, I am only the legacy of a fallen villain, an echo of the flames that once burned. But I am more than his son, more than the shadows of a past that is not my own."

account Info

This is an MHA/BNHA RP account

Kaji is an OC and of course not canon. He is a character I created and has nothing to do with Kohei Horikoshi

It's a secondary account, so I can't follow back. When I follow back, I do it with my main account @lura-valentine

Admin is 21+

Kaji is 16 - So make sure it doesn't get smut

English is not my native language. Due to my translator, some sentences may be posted in another language. Unfortunately, this happens unintentionally and sometimes I don't even notice that it's turned on.

Rules

I think you are familiar with the name Knigge. Therefore, I will spare myself the trouble of explaining the rules of common courtesy

Kaji is 16. He doesn't flirt with characters who are 20+

Racism of any kind is prohibited and will be blocked

all ships with -18 and +20 are also blocked

Words from the admin😊

Don't be afraid to write, Kaji won't bite your head off... but maybe he will freeze you... who knows this, if you not try?

Character Info

Name: Kaji (火児) Black (RP: Todoroki-Black)

Anime/Manga: My Hero Academia / Boku No Hero Academia

Role: OC

Codename: Frostflame

Age: 16

Height: 1.77 (at 21 years 1.83)

Appearance:

Kaji is almost a carbon copy of his father Touya and resembles him except for his hair. He has Touya's turquoise blue eyes and his mother's black hair, but he has a single white strand of hair that comes from Touya's influence. Like his mother, Kaji has black wings, but they shimmer in blue.

Quirk name: Ice Phoenix

Quirk description:

Kaji's Quirk was created through a rare genetic cross between his parents' two Quirks and the specific genetic predisposition from Touya's bloodline.

He has the extraordinary ability to create flames that radiate extreme cold and have nothing to do with heat. These bluish-white flames are so cold that they can freeze anything they touch in a matter of seconds. His "fire" drains all heat from the surroundings and can even neutralize heat sources by freezing them.

Other information

Family: Kaji is the son of Rain (OC) and Dabi/Touya.

RP Dad: @hiding-inner-dabi and other Dabis who want to be that.

Personality:

Kaji is composed in nature and often presents a calm and controlled outer facade. Kaji is intelligent and strategic in his thinking, often keeping long-term goals in mind. Although Kaji usually remains composed, he has a very short nerve when it comes to provocation. When someone he is friends with is insulted or threatened, he becomes cold and ruthless in such moments, taking full pride in his Quirk. He shows no tolerance for attacks on his family and often reacts in such moments without regard for consequences.

OC Lore

Kaji Black was conceived shortly before the so-called Final War - one of the most decisive moments in the history of heroes and villains. At that time, his mother, Rain Black, was still closely connected to the League of Villains. But a private matter forced her to return to Europe.

As she was planning to return to the League's ranks to support Touya (Dabi) and the others, a fateful discovery changed everything: she was pregnant. Rain knew she had to protect her unborn child, so she decided to stay in Europe.

A painful thought accompanied her throughout her pregnancy - she did not know whether Touya or Keigo (Hawks) was the father, as she had been in a relationship with both men during that time. But when Kaji was born and Rain held him in her arms for the first time, the answer was obvious. His deep turquoise eyes and the characteristic snow-white streak of hair revealed without a doubt that Touya Todoroki was his father.

Kaji's childhood was carefree, marked by curiosity, energy and a constant desire to explore the world. He was a lively child who was deeply impressed by his uncle Ryen, the leader of the Black Wings. For Kaji, Ryen was a shining example - a man of impressive discipline, stoic calm and an almost unshakeable control, even in the most chaotic situations.

Ryen, whose Quirk "Thunderbird" gave him electrical powers, was the electrical counterpart of his sister Rain, who fought with her dark red flames. Together they led the Black Wings, an organization officially dedicated to rescuing and caring for orphans. But behind this facade, the Black Wings worked as mercenaries to finance the costs of their orphanage.

When Kaji was old enough, he began training to become a mercenary - a harsh and unforgiving lesson in the gray area between heroes and villains. He quickly learned that mercenaries were often viewed as dishonorable opportunists who walked the fine line between light and darkness. But for Kaji, the Black Wings were more than just a unit. They became his family - a dysfunctional, chaotic community held together by the strength of his uncle and mother.

But life as a mercenary was not without sacrifices. Kaji's faith in the loyalty of his unit was shaken in the hardest way when two of his closest comrades betrayed him. The betrayal targeted his life, and Kaji was forced to make a decision that would change him forever. In order to survive, he had to kill the two traitors.

This painful experience left a deep mark on him. From that moment on, Kaji changed - his lively, open personality was replaced by a stoic reserve. He began to take on strong characteristics of his father Touya: a man who went through life with a closed facade and controlled emotions.

But despite this change, one thing remained the same: Kaji's unwavering loyalty to his family. The Black Wings are his home, and Kaji would do anything to protect those he cares about - even if it means encasing his own heart in ice.