#also. actual mental illness + THERAPY in anime??????????????????

[vero-niche]

they done did it again. please watch the cheerleading anime

[ladyloveandjustice]

Mental Illness in Anime

I saw someone say Komi Can't Communicate is the only anime they've ever seen that talks about mental illness and that's kinda sad, so for you to not end in the same boat, I've decided to put together an overview of mental illness in anime, what I'd recommend, what comes with caveats, and so on.

It's a little nebulous what "talks about mental illness" means as lots of anime depict characters who are very obviously depressed, traumatized and even suicidal (suicide will be mentioned a lot in this list, so watch out for that), but don't directly name mental illness. It is very stigmatized in Japan, even moreso than many other countries, you don't see much talk about therapy and so on.

However, naturally there are many Japanese people who are mental health advocates, and I found an interview with Makoto Kageyama, a mental health awareness advocate who volunteered at Aokigahara forest. He points out anime he feels deal with mental illness. One we'll cover fully, many of them I haven't watched:

I think the most accurate and positive portrayals I got were actually from Kiriyama Rei (March Comes in Like a Lion), Naruse Jun (The Anthem of the Heart), Miyamura Miyako (ef: A Tale of Memories), Takeya Yuki (School-Live!) and Smile (Ping Pong: The Animation)

I'm super open to suggestions for additions, and might be adding them as reblogs and under the cut.

I'll also be making a post on mental illness in manga if this post does well, which I will link here when I post it.

So I'll start:

Anime that directly discusses mental illness:

March Comes in Like a Lion- not only is the main character one of the most accurate depictions of depression I've ever seen, it's the rare anime that actually talks about counseling, showing a traumatized character attending counseling and slowly getting back on her feet.

Orange--it...certainly is about mental illness, but it's a pretty mixed/problematic one because it seems to be confused by how mental illness works at times. It centers around a character who's suicidally depressed and his friend's efforts to save him after receiving a time travel message about his future suicide. It also does mention offhand that this character was supposed to go to therapy and is skipping out at one point. But yeah, how it handles it is...not always great. It kind of gives an impression that if you try hard enough you can "fix" someone's suicidal depression. With friendship. I guess. You have been warned.

I haven't watched it in a really long time, so it might even be worse than I remember. But I'm including it bc I definitely cried and felt parts of it were very relatable when I saw it way back when. so there's some resonant stuff there.

Monster: Kind of mixed, but it's definitely notable as an anime that not only has a psychiatrist as a major character, but also shows prominent characters going to therapy and getting better. Characters go to him for alcoholism, depression, PTSD (PTSD is not named but yeah it's definitely PTSD). At one point he helps a main character recover some repressed traumatic memories.

What makes it mixed is that while several heroes definitely are mentally ill in some way, the (complex) antagonist of the series also has some sort of mental health condition , and the story is often weirdly muddled about it. At one point they make it out like he has Dissociative Identity Disorder (calling it "split personality") but then he never shows any symptoms of that and it's kind of dropped and not bought up again. He does definitely have repressed traumatic memories though, so maybe that's all they were getting at but said it very badly.

A heroic character that actually seems to have Dissociative Identity Disorder and YMMV in how it's handled and how accurate it is. It's a "the other personality is violent" one, but rather than the other personality being evil, it's. a defense mechanism, and the violence is always in self defense or defense of others..

Sort of names the problem:

My New Boss is Goofy: One of the main characters is recovering from an abusive boss, and definitely has anxiety attacks and flashbacks as a result. This is directly named as "trauma" (though much like in the West where the loan word came from, anime characters use the words to refer to minor things that aren't mental illness too. But in this case it's treated very seriously). At any rate, the entire anime is about others helping the MC slowly recover with his new boss and friends showing immense compassion for his anxiety and other problems. Here's a good article going into it!

Anime that focuses on social anxiety:

I think what stands out about Komi is that it directly says she has a communication disorder, but tons of anime focus on characters with social anxiety, and even state what the problem is directly.

Bocchi the Rock- The girl with the social anxiety is the main character and not the bland self insert guy who has a crush on her?, amazing. it lets her be a mess too? whaaat. Yeah, Bocchi does say directly she has severe social anxiety, and the series is very relatable in how it explores that. There are a lot of gags about it, but in a knowing, sympathetic way. Her recovery is realistically slow, and sometimes she backslides. She talks directly about her social anxiety, using the term.

Tsuritama: MC's social anxiety is so bad he can have panic attacks when people talk to him...the attacks are also represented in this really interesting way where they have water come in to drown him.

My Roommate is a Cat: Man dealing with social anxiety slowly recovers with the help of his cat. It's cute. Here's an article going into it!

Anime that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonates:

Natsume's Book of Friends: I wrote an entire article about how relatable it is to me and my mental illness, how it uses the characters seeing yokai as metaphor for mental ilness at times (Natsume was textually mistreated by so-called guardians who thought he "wasn't right in the head" and his grandmother was often called that too) but also Natsume shows a lot of textual symptoms of trauma (possibly PTSD), depression and so on, and they're explored very poignantly. Here is my article: “The Courage to Speak”: Mental illness and recovery in Natsume’s Book of Friends

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Probably one of the most poignant explorations of what it means to be depressed and traumatized as a teenage girl. Several moments with Utena herself resonate, starting with when she was a child and declares she doesn't want to go on living, Anthy is also...dealing with a lot, and it's powerful how the show goes into it.

Neon Genesis Evangelion-- Many characters in it show symptoms of mental illness. Though it isn't named as depression directly (i think?), but Shinji shows every symptom you can think of, and the director Anno has said that he was extremely depressed while making it and channeled a lot of that into the characters, and we definitely see his mental journey for the better very strongly reflected in the reboot.

Kyousougiga: One of the main characters is suicidally depressed (this one is graphic, because he commits suicide on screen...only it turns out he can't die), and his journey towards becoming okay with living is a focus and was very resonant to me.

She and Her Cat: A short anime about a girl who definitely has depression and how her cat helps her. Rather simplistic ending but it's good otherwise. CW animal death too, but in a very gentle way.

Haibane Renmei: It deals with suicidal depression and other mental health struggles in a pretty intense way, it's touching, but if you have triggers consider looking into it.

Fruits Basket: Truly a cocktail of mental illnesses among the cast. YMMV on how it's handled but some parts really resonate. These articles go into it:

The Always Smiling Girl: How Tohru critiques toxic positivity

“A Man Who Can Experience His Feelings”: Fruits Basket, toxic masculinity, and mental health

Colorful: This is a submission from Nickyenchilada from the notes of this post: "I would also recommend the movie/novel Colorful. I think YMMV on how it handles the central issue of suicide but I think it does portray how even kids can be thrust into very complex situations without necessary outlets for coping with them."

Vinland Saga: This was an addition I got from a discord conversation, the entire second season explore the main character's PTSD

Yuri on Ice- A conversation on discord reminded me that a lot of people read Yuri as having an anxiety disorder, which I can totally see!

A Silent Voice- a submission from @boku-no-anime-phase who says: "I think it deserves its own shout out! This movie is nuanced, gentle, beautifully told and brimming with hope. I love the fact that just like in real life, things don't resolve particularly easily; but the characters make important progress that's rewarding to watch. TW for suicide discussion, ideation and attempt".

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "YMMV but there's an arc that deals with bullying and memory loss where a character who deals with those things is supported and encouraged through it".

My Happy Marriage - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "also YMMV but I think there were some lovely moments in this where you can see Miyo beginning to heal from her trauma and abuse, and learn to trust."

Anime Feminist has a whole host of articles on mental health in anime and they're all here. It covers a lot of different anime I don't know about or didn't mention and offers a lot of cool perspectives, so check 'em out! Here's a few that stuck out to me:

Finding Inner Magic: Depression in The Ancient Magus’ Bride

(I don't like this anime's narrative due to the issue with the ending pointed out in this article, but it did have resonant moments of exploring depression).

How Clean Freak! Aoyama-kun compassionately handles mental illness

The Sound of Depression: Liminal spaces, sound design, and Super Cub

From Yandere Girlfriends to Social Anxiety: Handling mental illness in The Future Diary and A Silent Voice

Footnote on Hikikomori in anime:

Any anime that focuses on Hikikomori characters are dealing with characters that are mentally ill, as being so depressed/traumatized/agoraphobic/anxious you can't even leave your room or house is obviously not mentally healthy. But what really matters is how that’s handled and if these issues are explained, as Makoto Kageyama notes:

Usually, the most common issues I’ve seen covered is the “hikikomori phenomena” and light eating disorders. Basically, a bullied character that becomes a recluse out of social anxiety, but… The characters don’t usually get shown correctly, since their issues are not explained properly and basically it ends up with a “Hey, see? People are not that bad, we are your friends!” and “Yay, I have friends, I am cured and I can trust others again!” Which is not the case, because real hikikomori can take a lot of talk and patience to get them out and when they get back to normal society (if they do), they become very wary of others. And ironically, “hikikomori” has also been used as a “moe trait” in anime even though it’s a mental health issue.

One I saw a lot of people namedrop as handling it well when I googled around was Welcome to the NHK, though I haven't seen it. But, if you look at Nickyenchilada's take in the comments to this post, it's mentioned as being resonant and it's noted that the recovery is not an easy fix, and it's also noted that several characters in the story are mentally ill.

Bonus list:

Neurodiversity in Anime- (that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonate)

I initially didn't include a neurodiversity section in this post because I honestly could not think of any anime that directly talks about neurodiversity or has a textually neurodivergent character.

(However, there are manga that actually do! I pointed some out in my Mental Illness and Neurodiversity in Manga post I did to complement this one!)

You can also read some articles about neurodiversity in anime here

And the list of characters that can simply be read as neurodivergent is huge, and if I tried to list every popular read it would be endless, plus I don't feel comfortable "diagnosing" any characters with developmental disorders I don't personally have. However, I am willing to take suggestions from others on this one, so here are a few!

Mob Psycho 100 - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says " Mob is autistic and I will die on this hill; the trouble he has with fitting in, relating to others and knowing the right things to do imo stems directly from that."

Princess Jellyfish - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says "I'd be willing to bet that all the women who live in that apartment are neurodivergent. They all have their special interests and they live together in mutual neurodivergent infodumping bliss and it's wonderful. (Unrelated but TW for sexual assault and some transphobia)"

Chihayafuru- submission by @noisepartythumpingmusic who says "It's never noted explicitly, but I firmly believe the main character of Chihayafuru has ADHD, which is perfect for a main character of a sports" josei. As someone who does have ADHD, I personally can totally see that read of Chihaya (the main character)!

Anti-recommendations (as in seems potentially resonant but then drop the ball hard, because if I listed all the anime that's blatantly gross about mental illness from the second the subject comes up we'd be here all day) (Dead Dove Do Not Eat)

Wonder Egg Priority: Starts out like it's going to be a nuanced exploration of recovering from abuse, suicidal depression, and so on, only to end up incredibly stupid and offensive. The writer also believes some stupid and misogynist things about "reasons" girls commit suicide. This article goes into it a little.

Your Lie In April: Depiction of depression and trauma is completely undermined by how all the characters tell the MC he needs to get over it because his talent for piano is more important, and the clumsy, gross take on forgiving your abuser, and so many other things. This article goes into it.

---

And that's it for now! Again. I might be updating this with new stuff based on feedback or me remembering something I missed, through both updates and adding stuff under the cut.

[kafus]

i wont feel offended if you ignore this ask btw, i get that its asking something kind of personal! but can i ask what you mean by the internet treating DID as magical?

hi i actually enjoy DID questions don't worry LOL and i'm in the mood rn

when most people think about DID they are usually thinking about very overt cases with very distinct alters with vastly different personalities, different names, gender identities, etc. while this is a popular angle to imagine DID, overt cases like that are actually a pretty small percentage of what DID tends to look like. (of course, social media can push people's presentation to become more overt, which isn't fake/bad or anything, humans are social animals and the way we interact with each other can affect even our mental illnesses. additionally some people will become more overt after receiving therapy while they start communicating with alters for the first time. but my point is DID is not usually that strikingly obvious)

this popular perception also leaves out a lot of the rest of DID which falls in line with what people consider more "typical" disorders, PTSD symptoms galore, dissociation/dissociative amnesia, somatic pains and illness, comorbid conditions and physical disabilities. i think if people had more of an understanding of the non-alter parts of DID, it would ground the disorder a lot more and make it a lot less "magical" seeming.

but overall it all comes back to like... people not understanding that DID is just an extension of PTSD and other parts-based disorders. the same psychological process that makes PTSD/C-PTSD happen, BPD, etc, is what causes DID, it's just pushed to a far extreme due to when the trauma is experienced (very early childhood) and other factors surrounding that trauma, such as the length of time the trauma occurred over, or whether or not the child had stable caregivers and/or relief from traumatic events. DID is not some sort of completely separate category of mental illness - alters (the DID definition of them) may be unique to DID, but they come from the same place a ton of other mental illnesses do and there's a ton of overlapping symptoms between DID and pretty much every disorder caused by trauma.

i often see people act like DID is some far off life experience they couldn't even fathom or imagine living with, but if anyone just actually explained this shit properly i'm pretty sure most people, especially traumatized people, would go "oh that makes sense" and not feel so estranged from it lol. it's really frustrating because people continuing to see DID as this sort of magical, far-off experience, takes the disability/disorder out of it in conversation about it (people can only ever seem to talk about alters) and it also usually ends up spreading misinformation at the same time. there's sooo much bullshit about DID out there. good grief. it even hurts other people with trauma-based conditions that aren't DID

edit: wait also btw OSDD-1 is included in this conversation, i'm just using DID as shorthand instead of typing DID/OSDD every time and i am personally diagnosed with DID so lol

[zoetiger-1106]

The Chameleon is actually a really complex character and here's why.

Disclaimer: This post will contain kfp 4 spoilers as well as include info from interviews and the animation featurette and I will be analyzing the movie pretending that everything had deeper thought put into it even tho it's most likely not the case sometimes

For those who haven't seen it, have the absolute criminal offense that screwed with the story telling of this movie because it is important context.

Now that we have that whole thing out of the way, let me explain to you how the Chameleon's character is shown through more subtle things instead of just very in your face exposition/ storytelling.

1) Cammy's insecurities

The first time she was in on screen, Cammy was established as being in charge of Juniper City via commanding the local crime lords. She is hidden among them for the first part of their conversation, where she observes them badmouth her before she reveals herself, but even before the reveal, we get hints to her being there via the line "You forgot the shape-shifting sorceress part" that she throws into the conversation after the bear crime lord insulted her appearance.

Despite showing herself as in control and well put together, her need to interject hints at the fact that she does still have some underlying insecurities regarding her true form.

That insecure aspect of her character is further proven by her summoning Tai Lung first (I'll get to that later) and a statement from Viola Davis where she talked about how she did the character voice for Cammy

The underlying implication that she has internalized when masters told her she was "too small, too lowly and that kung fu wasn't [her] destiny" is proven even more when you take into consideration that she exclusively transforms into species that are larger and more physically powerful than her.

She literally says: "I grew, I excelled, and I got everything I had ever dreamed of." Everything BUT kung fu. The one thing she wanted to do from the very beginning. So, with that context, the "dream" she got fulfilled to a degree was the power. Conventional, physical power.

People have told her kung fu wasn't "her destiny" so she decided to take matters into her own hands and do what she believed to get her to where she wanted to.

To quote the Stephanie Ma Stine, the director who actually cared about her: "Because she has this anger that's been build up from always being invisible to everyone else, her transformation process actually reflects her anger."

All those years of being over looked and seen as less than had such an impact on her that it consumes ever part of her being. That lizard needs a hug and therapy, your honor.

As I said, I wanted to get into why she summoned Tai Lung first (chill I know this was not actually as thought out as I am interpreting it to be but hear me out.)

Tai Lung is everything she isn't and couldn't have been.

He is tall and conventionally powerful. Even if you knew nothing about his character, you could take a look at him and know that man is strong. On top of that, he had received formal training at a renowned school by a renowned master. Taking his kung fu first and foremost is not only the fulfillment of a wish she's had her whole life but also a power move on it's own; while not able to do kung fu Cammy still managed to beat someone who was what the schools she had gone to all those years ago would have considered the ideal student.

Also can we acknowledge how the water dragons (those are not komodo dragons idc how often it's stated) clap for her after she's done with Tai? Show of hands from all the mentally ill people who'd get their henchmen to clap for them too because they desperately need praise 🙋

Similar can be said for how she makes the people of Juniper City bow before her when she is paraded around; it makes her feel powerful.

Lastly I'd like to point out that her line of "Third rule of the streets? [...] Some would say it's the most important. Noone is interested in your feelings." Is probably something she got from people not caring about her feelings back in the day when she tried to pursue her passion.

2) Cammy's knowledge & skill

"Those bonds (the cages) are enchanted with some very old and very powerful magic. You'd need at least 10 Dragon Warrior's to get through them". Not only can she create such strong (presumably) chi based bonds but she can make them in batches and with ease. Between the scene of her accepting tributes from the crime lords of the city and Po's vision about her plan we can see her enchant multiple cages at once.

Not only that but she knows advanced chi techniques as well as how to open portals to the Spirit Realm. That is not easy information to come by Cammy has been researching chi in general for god knows how many years.

I don't know if I have said this on this blog before but her not being redeemed is such a wast because she could have not only helped Po further his mastery in chi but also aid in replacing a lot of the scrolls in the JP since she is knowledgeable on history and the history of kung fu and master too.

You honor that lizard is a nerd and deserves to geek out with Po.

I'd also like to point out that not only is she able to shape shift but do it incredibly swiftly. She can be seen switching forms in a matter of seconds even mid combat. Not only that but she has so much control off her body that she was able to create that dragon from of hers by transforming parts of her into different beings with little to no effort. That forms for incredibly stable too; she only transformed out of it to change her strategy.

Her incredible amount of control over her body funnily enough also shown by her 3d model alone. As stated by Sean Sexton the head of character animation "The Chameleon had 8130 controls. You could move every single part of that character [...]"

Lastly, I need to talk about how she genuinely is like Po.

I've seen people say that she can't do anything on her own because she just steals people's kung fu when no. No that is not the case. After having stolen enough master's kung fu to have a wide knowledge of the craft she was able to mimic and adapt to Po's style without having to steal anything from him. If she wouldn't have been given the opportunity to learn kung fu she would have become like Po and been able to master techniques based on simply observing them.

TLDR: Cammy is a great character this fandom is just horrible to female villains

[evelynpr]

For the character ask game can I pick toga :)

I'm gonna be very honest in these, and I might disappoint, but here it is-

My first impression - I started watching BNHA around 5 years ago? It's hard for me to remember what exactly was my first impression of Toga, but back then I really didn't care for her much. Honestly, I just found it quite problematic that the only main female villain in BNHA is an overly cute school girl who fits the "cute yandere" trop to a t when the rest of the male villains look a lot more serious and scary.

My impression now - Perfectly honest- I really only started paying attention to her because of Ochako. I was, and still am, a massive Ochako fan, and when I heard that she suddenly had a massive romantic and tragic battle and narrative with Toga after leaving the fandom for 3-4 years, I was immediately deadly curious. - Even with how much I resonate with her story and character, I generally have a big ick for blood as a whole (surprising for a very loud tgck fan I know). Right now, she's my poor desperate little baby who really really needs love and therapy (affectionate). I wish we got to see more of her regular girly side, like caring for the LOV especially Magne and Twice.

Favorite thing about that character - That her entire story is a mentally ill and queer narrative. Like I said earlier, I actually have a big ick for blood and the cutesy yandere trope. But the thing that gets me about Toga is that she is the most openly bisexual/pansexual character in the series, very clearly mentally struggling, and both thrives and suffers because of her choices and circumstances. - She's such a tragic and hopeful character that represents so many weird people like me that I can't help but be attached. She makes me want to embrace my more girly and selfish side, and screams at me that I should live my life how I want to. - I can't leave out Ochako from this part. Holy shit the themes and story about their relationship makes my heart both break and soar so bad it genuinely hurts. Save people by understanding them, helping them, listening to them. Show someone you can be selfish, that they deserve love, that she deserve a chance. It's so much it punches me to a million sobbing pieces.

Least favorite thing - For the 3rd time now...not into blood. I don't like its taste, look, and the mere thought of bleeding genuinely grosses me out. - You probably think "How in the world are you attached to her then?" well its because I understand that Toga's "blood" is also a representation of her violent tendencies and love. I see it much more as a narrative device for her character and themes.

Favorite line/scene - Shocking, but I actually have not read the manga. I can't say what my favorite scene is just yet because I want to truly witness it animated, when the time comes. - If you want an answer well, from the anime so far, it probably is when she gets her quirk awakening in MVA, or when she confesses to Izuku in the final war (mostly because that scene is so damn hilarious, tragic, and important).

Favorite interaction that character has with another - ...I mean obviously it's Ochako lmao? Every interaction is a fight of ideals and love- which suddenly morphs into a way of challenging each other- then growing into understanding and loving each other. That is. Just insane. How the fuck did BNHA's writers come up with this.

A character that I wish that character would interact with more - For the sake of my Tgck Bkdk square, I really wished for her to have interacted with Bakugou at least once. Just see how one person's violence and power was praised, while the other was abandoned and shamed. How they both have a strong squishy-faced freak they're obsessed with, and also obsessed with them, even if they don't feel like they deserve it. - Oh and, definitely more LOV random shenanigans and bonding time. I wish I was able to get more into them ngl, but I never really felt that sadly. Man...

Another character from another fandom that reminds me of that character - UHHH??? I genuinely have no idea. I am drawing at a blank I am so sorry T__T This is the firsts time I have ever been interested in this kind of character??? Really sorry-

A headcanon about that character - This is kind dark so be warned - I got this idea from a fic and now I can't stop thinking about it. Toga always wanted her love to be reciprocated or understood by someone. Anyone. I feel that she was taken advantage of and abused by horrible people in her earlier days of running away...especially since she's a young teenage girl in a cute school uniform. I am so sorry...

A song that reminds of that character - I am working on a Togachako playlist! It's about both of their characters respectively and also their story and relationship, but here's the ones about Toga specifically! - Hayloft II (THIS ANIMATIC), The Red Means I Love You (obviously lol), Butcher Vanity, Hero (Charlie Puth, mostly tgck), Pink Pony Club (Chappell Roan, early Toga)

An unpopular opinion about that character - She's not the possessive type, and she's really very open to people she loves loving other people at the same time, polymarous kind. This is probably a pretty common hc already tho since she says this repeatedly? - Her most common form of love is a very impulsive/sexual/admiration/attracted kind. You could even relate this to hypersexuality (something I struggle with) where the moment you find something you're into on someone, you body and brain genuinely go kinda out of control. I project onto her my own inability to hold and control these kinds of feelings at times, but Toga is quite the manifestation of my fears.

Favorite picture - I love it when a character's mask peels off. Toga genuinely angry, upset, and just not smiling is so fascinating and beautiful to me in a "It's okay my dear, show all of you, stop hiding" (Ochako might disagree with me on this tho, since she loves her smile lmao-)

[yingyoyingsh]

Since poolverine has been getting everywhere it made get biggy brainrot and me thinking abt analysis on how Wade and Logan work so well but are SO SO UNHEALTHILY mentally ill they need therapy and I mean actual therapy

More on below

Tw: sensitive topic

It's just so funny and depressing

How they're literally two people that have similar circumstances and a similar curse as well. Like if we somehow remove all the comedy and hit soundtrack from deadpool movies. He literally attempted sewerslide on screen????????????,,,,,,,,,?????? Like?????????? How is no one talking about how seriously effed up that is to make this a joke but wade does the walk the talk thing?????????????

Logan man ✋😩 Im not. He literally fits the candidate for idc I'm throwing my life away like while wade deals with the shiz with unhealthy humor he just gets angry. He literally is a good example of those people who could die off in a ditch if he didn't have super healing.

Like I guess that's common with anyone who's found some kind of relief with substance abuse in general 😭 but he just deals with everything by getting mad angry and telling everyone to fuck off like a rabid animal. And he has superhuman strength.

So now comes my point if they end up together it becomes a cycle of "I can make him worse" with the "your freak matches my freak"

Since wade is so graciously taking everything as a joke (even with dangerous injuries) and Logan (in the back of his head) has problems with substance abuse (and literally not even kidding how bad this is actually because of u stop joking abt substance abuse there's a reason why he should probably attend those alcoholic support groups)

Like where does the line end at "too much" bruh.

So one needs to make a fic about them working through this kinda shiz like maaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 👁️👁️ they live together so they'll eventually have to talk about the big elephant in the room. Like god Al just has to sit through 5 seasons of this before they get actual therapy.

Like think about it

If they were regular ppl they would've been admitted in the ward and classified as criminally insane 😩 man they're just little freaks I love them

Good thing they're not regular ppl. But lbr would Logan go back to being "The wolverine" the movie didn't adress that hidden dark asf secret wel nor resolved it. Dp3 didn't also do much for Wade's insecurity to "good enough" for people to notice him nor his sewerslide joke tendencie. Logan also mentioned he didn't feel like he was good enough for the SUIT. Like man insecurities after one another. Like bro someone needs to.help them

Like man 👁️👁️god they're such a perfect match of fucked up. Like PLEASE. I NEED them helping each other. With both of their issues.

[considerablecolors]

so anyways thinking about Muriel trying to learn more about humans and watching TV and such and how they would absolutely undeniably be OBSESSED with Bluey once they discovered it. how they would immediately feel connected to characters that are also learning more about the world around them everyday and being proud of themselves for slowly picking up on jokes for the older audience and such. which is a fun thought by itself. BUT THEN.

this brings to mind Muriel wanting to show Bluey to Crowley and Aziraphale (this takes place sometime after season 3 where they're all a family again), and Crowley's like "yeah everyone Below tried really hard to stop it from getting distributed in the US, big blow for us" to which Aziraphale replies "oh yes I spoke with the angel that worked on it, they got quite the promotion!"

anywho both of them try to get out of watching it because "it's a bloody kids show" and "I'm really not too fond of modern television" but Muriel is making puppy dog eyes so OBVIOUSLY they're gonna cave in eventually.

and at first they're not really paying TOO much attention, Aziraphale is charmed by the soundtrack and animation and Crowley does snort at "this isn't the eighties anymore" but like obviously they're not INTO it, they can just admittedly see why Muriel likes it. and then. AND THEN. THE BLUEY EFFECT.

pause. we all know of the Bluey phenomenon. like oh it's this kids show for babies like peppa pig to -> oh there's some fun jokes for the parents here the teachers really like it to -> oh god I'm a 22 year old mentally ill queer person who's been sobbing my eyes out on tiktok for ten minutes why didn't my dad ever love me.

something something the soft gentle tone of the show and its lessons combined with how honest and blunt they are about things combined with the kind and powerful parenting displayed by the main family. it breaks people. it heals wounds. it gets through to those repressed issues. we all know the bluey effect.

NOW. THAT'S FUCKING HUMANS. NOW IMAGINE THAT WITH THESE FUCKERS.

literally centuries worth of repressed trauma, NO emotional intelligence or awareness whatsoever, every mental barrier you can think of, literally mommy issues from GOD, and on top of it all, they're an angel and a demon right so obviously they don't need to worry about petty human things like "therapy" and "coping skills" and "talking through issues" and "boundaries" and ""self-worth"".

BLUEY WOULD FUCKING BREAK THEM.

like oh yes this is a charming show but I'm not sure it's quite for me and then BOOM. Aziraphale gets hit with "there's something going on with me" "does your outside voice sometimes say yes when your inside voice says no?" "I don't think I know how to relax" "I just... felt like I was doing everything wrong"

like wow angel are you actually crying over cartoon dogs you're so emotional and then BOOM. Crowley gets hit with the "you don't need to keep coming back to this place" "he should take care of himself because I still need him" "now you've got all that upset and angry in your hands- do you want to keep it?" "why can’t she just have the thing she wants?"

ALL OF A SUDDEN MURIEL LOOKS UP AND OH MY GOD I MADE MY DADS CRY I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM CRY BEFORE OH NO OH NO WHAT DO I DO UMMM NINA MAGGIE PLEASE COME TO THE BOOKSHOP I THINK I BROKE THEM ON ACCIDENT

i'm just saying if aziraphale and crowley had been blueypilled before then maybe there would've actually been some fucking nightingales ok.

[ultraintrovertedgryffindor]

𝐌𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐀𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 - Ettore

ah...um...i have no excuse for this one, just my mental illness. seriously wanted to name this Dark Matter but I already have a fic named that😭 Happy Valentine's Day💕. Please, please mind the warnings.

Summary: Being forced into deep space as part of some twisted experiment, tensions rise with a fellow inmate.

Warnings: DARK (no really, dead dove: do not eat), minor spoilers for High Life, serial killer!reader (also a bit of a psychopath), nihilism, brief mentions of witnessing CSA, graphic descriptions of murder, mentions of The Box™, Ettore being a creep obvi, mild vore if ya squint? (does it count if said voreist doesn't swallow?), sexual violence, Reader and Ettore takes every chance to beat each other up honestly, SMUT (MINORS DNI), switches between con/noncon, hatefucking (they will try to kill each other), choking (but like, actually almost to death), slapping, punching, degradation, some misogyny, blood kink, pain kink

word count | 5.1k🤙🏻

You were a dangerous killer, but you knew you didn’t belong here.

You never could’ve fathomed how brutally cold and dark being in deep space truly was. Even inside the ship, no one could ever really escape the constant chill. At first, you thought this was the obvious option, joining this experiment. It was either this, or death row. But this was death row, in its own way. No one believed they’d come out of this mission alive. But you supposed dying in a black hole was more interesting than being pumped full of poison. Less boring. Now, you would’ve preferred death row on Earth. At least that would guarantee you a painless death. Welp, too late now.

At least you weren’t completely alone, if you prefer being in the company of other dangerous and evil people rather than isolation. You’d rather have to constantly look over your shoulder than go mad with loneliness. The crew was an eccentric bunch, as you could imagine. All of them are some type of murderer, like you. Some of them had good reasons, but most of them didn’t. What was more distressing was the fact that the doctor, Dibs, frightened you the most out of them all, but it was mostly due to the fact that the witch was on a personal mission to get one of the females pregnant even though the fetus would die from radiation. Even though she was here because she killed her own children. She was the biggest hypocrite of them all, though you had no room to talk, having a bit of a god complex made you one just as much as she was.

You knew you were different from other people, even at an early age. You didn’t see the world like others did, you never could find the beauty in anything. The first blossoms of spring, the sun rising over the horizon, the miracle of life, the kindness of strangers; you didn’t see any of it. All you could focus on was the evils in the world and you found that the world was overrun with it. Children starving, needless wars, homelessness, animals being tortured and killed for entertainment; it was all there was, it was wrong. It was all wrong.

Your parents had taken you to therapy multiple times, but nothing ever seemed to work. You were diagnosed as depressed and they hopped you up on all kinds of medication, but you weren’t depressed, not really. Just because you saw the world for how it really was didn’t automatically mean you were depressed, you just refused to be ignorant of it. You didn’t see the point of being a cooperative member of society when it wouldn’t take care of you. It had nothing to offer you, so you just refused to play along. The first anyone noticed something was truly wrong was the first day of kindergarten. You had beaten a boy near half to death because you saw him pushing another kid around. They weren’t fighting back, so you did it for them. Your parents had to pay the brat’s hospital bills. You didn’t understand why the doctors helped save the life of a kid who’d grow up to be an even bigger bully. A waste of oxygen, you thought. You barely paid attention to the severe scolding your parents gave you about how “violence was never the answer.” Bullshit, you knew that, even your parents knew that, they just wanted to follow the so-called moral rules to be accepted. But that wasn’t you, you didn’t need social acceptance. Not by anyone, not even your own family. But there wasn’t much you could do about it at the time.

You grew into your teenage years without so much of a punch to anyone, not even to defend yourself. You were beaten up by so many of your fellow students, you could’ve gotten a punch card for every time you had to be sent to the nurse’s office. You just bottled up everything.

The first time you ever felt a semblance of love was when your little sister was born. As soon as your mother placed her in your arms at the hospital, you knew you had to protect her. You never wanted her to be like you, you didn’t want her to end up like you, ostracized and bullied. You’d lay down your life and kill for her if need be. You made that promise to yourself. So, when you walked in on your father with his hand down her pants, you had no idea how to react. Fathers weren’t supposed to touch their children that way. He had all but flung her off his lap once he saw you, claiming that they were just playing a game. But you weren’t a naive child anymore, you knew what he was doing.

Before you could think on it any further, you ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, but your father was close behind to stop you. He had wrestled you to the ground, trying to take the knife away, but you blindly thrusted the blade upwards, hearing a sickening squelch before something wet hitting your face. The world seemed to go dark for a brief moment, before coming back into view and seeing your father’s horrified face. You followed your arm to the blade in your hand, your heart leaping out of your chest. You had aimed for your father above you, but your sister must’ve followed you and tried to stop the fight. Tears filled your eyes as you saw your knife stuck in your little sister’s chin, her tiny body going limp and crumbling to the floor, your arm frozen in place allowing the blade to come free as she fell.

Your father screamed and screamed at you as he wailed with his baby girl in his arms, trying to stop the blood copiously flowing from her neck and making a red sticky puddle on the tiles. But it was too late, the life had already drained from her once bright innocent eyes. You didn’t mean to…it was an accident…but you knew your father would spin the story in his favor. So, you did what you only thought you could.

You buried your blood coated knife into your father’s back, hearing him exhale a choked breath in shock. The blade was long, so the one hit wasn’t enough. So you did it again. And again. And Again. And again. Again until he fell to the floor, unable to yell or cry as you kept stabbing. You couldn’t count how many times you dug the blade into his chest, enough until you couldn’t tell what was his shirt or his skin. You were drenched at this point. You knew you had to leave. You threw up, thick tears and painful sobs escaping your throat as you looked upon your mistakes.

You showered, rubbing your skin raw and hastily packing a bag and running from your childhood home. You didn’t want to think about the look on your mother’s face when she ultimately got home from work, calling out for her husband and two precious children whom she loved dearly. She wouldn’t know that he was a predator or that he preyed on his own daughter. She wouldn’t know why she walked onto a bloodbath in the kitchen, you nowhere to be found. She wouldn’t believe the police when they say you should be considered a suspect. You were odd and violent when you were little, yes, but you could never kill your own family. She saw your face of awe when you looked down at your newborn sister in your arms. She’d never believe you to be the culprit, until the DNA came back matching yours. You weren’t her daughter anymore. She wasn’t a wife or a mother anymore. She was nothing, much like you.

You didn’t bother to control yourself anymore. You had nothing to live for. You were nothing. You weren’t a protector, now that you had nobody to protect. But you soon realized that wasn’t necessarily true. There were other kids in similar situations, you could try to protect them. Like a light bulb when off in your head, you suddenly had a purpose once again. Like your father, you’d find and punish those who’d hurt their children. And that’s exactly what you did, until you got caught of course. But you had a good run, ridding the world of some of the filth it had to offer. You were bloodthirst, you craved to see the looks of horror on these men’s faces as they knew they would be punished for their misdeeds. If you had time, you’d torture them. But you rarely had that luxury of taking your time, but you still felt better knowing one less evil person was in the world. It was ironic that you were now on a crew full of evil people.

Monte didn’t seem all that bad, a bit temperamental. He didn’t hesitate to knock your lights out if you pissed him off, you learned that firsthand. Well, most of the inmates did that. Ettore though, was one you had trouble figuring out. He was quiet, observant, not particularly violent though like the other inmates. He was a pervert though, hypersexual. It definitely put off all of you. He used the Box every day, but that wasn’t unusual. You were instructed to never talk about why you were here, but gossip was like breathing, you couldn’t go without it. You learned he killed someone in a particularly violent way when he was a teenager, much like you. He was a minor but was charged as an adult, got the same ultimatum like the rest of you; death row or deep space.

You’d honestly thought he’d try to talk to you, given that you both were around the same age and the “babies” of the crew, but he never did. But maybe that was for the better, attracting the attention of another inmate didn’t seem like the best move. For the most part, you just kept to yourself, trying not to bother anyone. But the witch doctor seemed to have it out for you, she hated you, but you knew that was because you couldn’t participate in her own experiments. You knew you never wanted to have kids, so you gave yourself an injury that made it so that you were barren. You almost died then, but you figured it was worth it since you didn’t have to be seen as just a walking womb to be played with.

Over time, you got yourself into a bit of a messy schedule. Not having a schedule was just something else that would make you go crazy. There wasn’t much to do in this space prison, but there was a rec room with games and books. You had exhausted all those resources pretty quickly. A rubik’s cube you were fond of was what you chose to be part of your schedule. Every day cycle, you’d try to solve that cube before going to sleep. It was one of the only things that helped you relax, besides the Box. But similarly to Monte, you didn’t really indulge all that often. The Box, even when you needed it, almost always left you numb. You weren’t one for human touch, but you weren’t immune to craving that intimacy. So the rubik's cube it was. You hogged it constantly, but that only got you a broken nose from Boyse due to it being one of her favorites too. But it didn’t matter. You claimed it for yourself, and nobody else cared enough to fight you on it.

Months into the mission, you started to notice Ettore around you more often. Most of the time, he’d just…stare at you. Openly. You’d never gotten attention from him before, so this sudden display startled you, but not enough to do something about it. It was only until he started to purposely bump into you in the halls did you start to worry. He was already a creep, but he only got creepier as he started to catch your gaze just to smile at you. Smiling didn’t suit his character, no matter how pretty it was. His lips were one of the first things you noticed when you met him, how soft and plump they looked. But a smile on them just looked out of place for the likes of a murderer. You certainly never smiled, you never had anything to smile about. You knew you’d get some odd looks if you were to suddenly flash your teeth.

You were just so on edge one day, the rubik’s cube wasn’t helping, so you went down to the Box. It was just a quick and easy session, just to relieve some tension. And it worked, until you ran into Ettore as you came out of the machine. You watched his already dark eyes darken even more as he saw the state of you. Sweaty, breathless, disarray. He looked like a wolf ready to pounce on you, but it was only the rules that held him back. No inmate was allowed to have sex with each other, hence the reason for the Box.

Ettore hummed as he placed a stray piece of hair behind your ear, letting his touch linger until you pushed him away roughly, but it only made him smirk and push you up against the cold wall of the Box. You glared as you felt his hard on pressing against your thigh, his hands keeping you firmly in place. “I bet your pussy would feel so good around my cock.” He almost moaned at the thought, biting his bottom lip. “If it weren’t for that cockblocking witch, I’d have you on every surface of this fuckin’ ship.”

You hated how your recently stimulated clit throbbed at his words, your body betraying you for the most primitive urges. Much like how good it felt to take a life, you knew it would feel good to fuck your fellow inmate. You wanted to tell yourself that he was a perverted murderer, you should not want to fuck him. But you were no better than him, no better than anyone here. But you pushed him off anyway, punching him in the gut and casually walking back to the ladder. “Enjoy the Box.” You spoke before climbing up, leaving the young man aching and angry.

You tried avoiding Ettore after that encounter, but of course that’s hard to do when you’re on a small ship with nowhere else to go. He didn’t hide the glares directed at you and he always seemed like he was about to do something, but never did. He was unpredictable, and you hated that. Everything about this mission was unpredictable, but you did have some control over what happened to you, Ettore was just another variable that you couldn’t control. You wanted him dead, but you didn’t know how you could get your way without ending up dead yourself.

Wandering the halls with nothing to do, you found yourself on the bridge looking up at the stars. The view always freaked you out, the sight of stars moving backwards even though the ship was moving forwards. It made you nauseous and a panic attack not too far behind. But you kept looking up through the large windows anyway. At least it made you feel something. Feelings tended to be sparse in deep space. You often wondered what it would be like to be stretched and compressed by a black hole. How badly would it hurt? Would you feel anything at all? Would it last for a second or an eternity? No one knows, and no one who finds out would be able to tell since they’d be reduced to atoms. Black holes are probably where Hell is located, you figured, if the theory that you’d be in unimaginable pain for all eternity is correct. You wanted to stop thinking about it, but you couldn’t. Not until you felt a warm presence come up behind you.

You didn’t have to guess who it was, by the stiff length that was pressing against your ass, you could already tell it was Ettore. The young blonde couldn’t take a hint, could he? You didn’t move away, for some reason that was unknown to you. Even as you felt his hands traveled around your waist, holding onto your hips with a bruising grip, you didn’t push him away. He took deep inhales of the scent of your hair, his hands traveling up to grope at your breasts as you continued watching the stars. You started to think about your sister, how she might react to the stars. You remembered the first time you pointed out a constellation you knew, teaching her about various different ones, knowing she was too young to remember. But it was one of your only fond memories. You held onto it, remembering her toothless grin as she got excited about learning something new.

You gasped as Ettore’s hand brushed against your clothed core, cupping it roughly until you winced. “Why waste time looking at these stars when I can make you see much prettier ones, hm?” He hummed in your ear, licking up the side of your neck, unwanted goosebumps rising all over your body.

“No.” You scoffed, pushing him off you, but he stopped you from walking away by grabbing your wrist.

“You want to.” He smirked smugly.

“No, I really don’t.” You tried pulling away, but his grip only tightened.

“Liar.”

“Fuck off!” You yelled, wringing your arm back and swiftly connecting your balled up fist to his nose. You grinned when he stumbled back, holding his hand to his face but seeing his blood flow through his fingers. He looked back up at you with a glare before leaping at you, tackling you to the floor, one hand around your throat and the other wailing on your face with his fist. Your ears rung as his fist landed right in front on your ear and feeling your nose and mouth fill with blood as he punched you. You spit your blood back in his face when you sensed a pause in his beating, leaning your head down as much as possible to bite his forearm of the hand that was grabbing your throat. You bit hard and didn’t let go until he recoiled with a shout, cradling his arm that now had a bloody teeth indent and a small chunk of flesh missing. You could still see the outline of his cock stressing against his orange jumpsuit. You could’ve laughed, the bastard was still turned on.

“Cunt!” He growled, but all you did was spit out the skin you took from his arm. “You can’t deny me forever.”

You raised your brows unimpressively, standing up while wiping the blood off your face with your sleeve. “Watch me.”

You stormed up with an aching face yet again, but you didn’t bother to visit Dibs, you didn’t feel like being scolded for defending yourself. But you ended up getting yelled at anyway for biting Ettore the way you did, your dose of medicine only being increased as a punishment. Seeing the bloody bandage around his arm almost made it worth it though.

The next few day cycles were a blur, the drugs making you sluggish and tired all the time. You didn’t even try to hide your disdain for Ettore every time you had to be around him and it made everyone feel tense, like they were waiting for a bomb to explode. You knew you couldn’t avoid him forever, but you sure did try. It was only a week later until that bomb finally exploded.

You had gone to the rec room before bed like you’d always done to try and solve that damned rubik's cube. You were so close, almost having solved all sides. But looking around the room, you couldn’t find it. You felt a panic attack start to bubble up in your chest, frantically searching everywhere around the room until you heard someone clear their throat.

“Lookin’ for something?” You frowned as Ettore came into view, him casually leaning against the doorframe, holding the small colorful box in his hand.

“Give it back.” You growled, your skin flushing with anger.

He only smirked, which made you ball your fists and stomp towards him. “No, I don’t think I will.” He chuckled when you tried to grab it from his hands, but he was taller than you and held it up where you couldn’t reach. You tried to repress a shiver when he ran one of his hands up your side where your shirt had ridden up, but you instantly pushed him away.

“Dick!” You seethed, the urge to punch his stupid face getting stronger and stronger.

He smiled softly. “I know. But if you give me what I want, I’ll give this back.” He juggled the cube back and forth between his hands, giving you an expectant look.

You stood as close as possible to him without touching, getting right in his face, not missing the way his eyes trailed down to your lips. “You can go fuck yourself.”

Ettore surged forward, roughly pressing his lips against yours with a growl, the sound going straight to your core; but you wouldn’t tolerate his behavior. You pulled yourself away and threw your fist against his face, then wound up to hit him again but he caught it this time. He grabbed your wrist tightly and pulled you to his chest, disregarding the rubik’s cube. “I’m getting fuckin’ sick of you hitting me.”

“Then stop acting like someone who deserves to be hit.” He cut you off by slapping you, grabbing onto your neck before kissing you again. You bit his bottom lip, hearing him let out a pained groan as your teeth cut into his sensitive flesh. “Let me go, or I’ll scream.” You demanded.

Ettore grinned evilly. “Go ahead. Scream. It’ll make it better for me.” You struggled as hard as you could against his hold on you, dragging your feet as he pulled you further into the room after shutting the door.

“I’ll fucking gut you, you piece of shit!” You yelled, clawing and kicking until he kneed you in the stomach, knowing the breath out of your lungs until you were wheezing. “Fuck…you…” You coughed, crumpling to the floor.

Ettore kneeled with you, powerless to stop him from removing your shirt, exposing your breasts to the cool air. You winced as he groped them roughly, forcing you on your back with one hand while the other ripped your pants and underwear off. Unwanted tears sprang to your eyes as you fought, just recovered enough from the blow to your stomach to scratch his face, droplets of blood pooling to the surface of his cheek. “Cunt.” He slapped you again, straddling your hips as he removed his own shirt but only unbuttoning his trousers.

“You disgust me.” You spat, glaring up at him.

You let out a yelp as Ettore shoved two of his long fingers inside you with no warning, his smirk making you feel more uncomfortable than the digits stretching your walls. “Really? Why is your pussy so wet then, eh?”

“Knowing that I hurt you gives me more satisfaction than that fuckin’ Box.” You hissed as he pinched your clit with a sadistic chuckle. He forced your legs apart, kneeling in between that as he took his hardened cock out of his pants, lining himself up with your entrance but with a great struggle since you didn’t stop wiggling around. Your head jerked to the side as he punched you a couple times, making you unresisting enough that he could fully sheathe himself inside of you. You let out a cry as he hit the ends of you, your walls clamping down on him, trying to expel the intrusion.

“Fuck!” Ettore groaned. “So much better than that Box. So warm. So tight.” He stuttered, moving his hips back and forth without giving you time to accommodate. The stretch burned and you couldn’t keep in your painful whimpers. Your cries only seemed to spur him on further, thrusting his hips at a faster pace, way too fast so early.

“Stop!” You cried, beating your fists against his chest erratically.

“Nah. You’re gonna take it. You’re gonna take it until I say we’re done.” He laughed, speeding up his thrusts to purposely make it even more painful for you. But instead of it hurting more, it had the opposite effect. His cock started to brush up against that sensitive spot inside you, eliciting a whine from your lips.

“You’re gonna fuckin’ die!” You growled angrily, baring your teeth like a cornered animal.

“Yeah?” He mocked, giving your cheek another slap just for good measure before continuing his brutal pace.

Eventually, your cunt produced so much slick, it was soaking his cock and your inner thighs, his pelvis shimmering in the dull fluorescent lighting of the ship. Lewd noises coming from your intimate union forced heat to spread across your cheeks, the wet suction echoing off the walls with every jolt of Ettore’s hips made an unwanted pang of pleasure shoot through your body, making goosebumps rise along your skin.

You hated that you were feeling pleasure from this. You were so ashamed, but god, it felt so much better than the pain of his cock splitting you open over and over again.

You felt so hot, a thin layer of sweat covering your entire body. Ettore on top of you made it even worse, his sweat coated body pressing up against yours, your breasts being squished under the weight of his chest. You were breathless as his dick kept brushing against your g-spot as he kept moving in and out of you rapidly, feeling your slick dripping off the curve of your ass and pooling onto a puddle on the cold floor. You couldn’t keep your moans in and against your hatred for the man, you allowed your body to relax and indulge in the euphoric sensations. Ettore’s smug smirk made it difficult however.

You looked to your right, seeing the discarded rubik’s cube sitting idly on the floor next to you. You didn’t hesitate to grab onto it tightly, hitting Ettore over the head with it again and again until he was weak enough to push him off of you. But instead of running like you should’ve done, you straddled him, pushing his cock back inside you and riding him, chasing that release that had already begun building in your core.

Ettore groaned with a smirk, looking up at you in a pleasured haze (and possible concussion). “I knew you wanted to fuck me.” You replied by punching him square in the jaw, busting his lip open deep enough that a small trail of blood slid down the side of his face. You shocked him by leaning down and licking the red substance, the metallic bitter taste coating your tongue and making you move your hips faster. His furrowed brows from the pleasure and pain spurred you on further, raking your nails down his chest hard enough until little droplets of blood beaded on his pale skin, his groan filling your ears and making your clit throb.

You placed both your hands around Ettore’s neck as you continued to thrust against him, squeezing harder and harder the closer you got to your climax. You smiled with a loud moan as you heard his choked gasps, his face getting red as he attempted and failed to breathe in the recycled oxygen. The sight of him struggling to breathe edged you closer and closer. But eventually, he started to fight against you, grabbing onto your hands to try and pry you off. You tried to dig your fingers tighter against his skin, determined to make him pass out at least, but he knocked you off him with a single strong punch to your cheek. “You can’t kill me that easily.” Ettore coughed out hoarsely, his near death experience not even being enough to take a break from fucking you. He took a deep breath and resumed plowing into you like you didn’t just almost kill him. “God, you’re so pretty beaten and bloody like this.” He moaned, grabbing onto your neck and squeezing like you had down previously, though not enough that’d you pass out. The lack of oxygen made the pleasure all the more intense, your walls clamping down on his cock as your release was right there. “Such a fuckin’ whore, aren’t you? I bet you’ve wanted this all along. You just needed to be put in your place, right? Don’t worry, I’ll never let you forget where you belong, what you’re good for. You’re just a pretty little toy whose only purpose is to be fucked and filled.”

You moaned as his words finally made that wave of ecstasy wash over you like a tsunami, powerful and unforgiving as it destroyed you, making your mind go blank as the only thing you could feel was that throbbing pleasure that knocked the breath out of you. Ettore groaned as your walls seemed to pull him in deeper, pulsing rhythmically as you rode out your high with shuddering high pitched moans and trembling limbs. It didn’t take long at all for him to reach his climax as well, pumping you full of his cum with a load strained groan, sweat dripping down the side of his face and mixing with his blood as he slumped against you to try and catch his breath.

You came out of your daze enough to feel him against you, hearing and feeling his deep breaths fan against your skin, making you panic and quickly push him off you; there was nothing he could do about it since he was so weak from his orgasm. You sat up with a huff, dressing yourself frantically, refusing to look at Ettore.

“I bet you’ve never come that hard before.” He voiced arrogantly, making you roll your eyes.

“I have.”

“Liar.”

You turned back around to glare at him. “If you try this shit again, I’ll kill you. That’s a promise.”

Ettore, still naked, stood up and pulled you to him by your waist with a smirk. “Forgive me if I doubt that. You sure seemed to enjoy yourself, slut. I wouldn't be surprised if you came crawling back for more soon.”

You scowled, unable to voice any retort like you usually did. You blamed your post orgasm haze. Ettore only hummed, dressing himself and walking past you, bumping your shoulder. You bit your lip hard until you tasted blood, hating yourself and him.

“Well, whenever you feel like you wanna be filled with a real cock again, you know where to find me.”

don't know where this came from honestly😬

[just-another-author-i-guess]

Judd's childhood headcanons?

You betcha 🤭

Tags: idk like mentions of violence and such, Judd being a pyromaniac from a very young age, dead bugs?

Author's note: if we don’t get a baby judd episode in the new season I will riot (,:

Judd childhood hc's

Word count: 1,2K

Both of his parents were absolutely over the moon when he was born

Imagine being an only child in the Birch household, like ngl that sounds pretty sweet

He had their attention aaalll to himself, and he thoroughly enjoyed it 

He was quite an active child too, not like hyper but always doing something he was definitely not supposed to do, so he needed either one of his parents to watch him constantly anyways

I feel like he was a pretty “normal” child until Leah was born, sure he was a bit harder to watch than average 2-year-olds but it wasn’t to like a concerning degree or anything

That was until Leah was born

Suddenly having to deal with a new sister, unleashed little monster-gremlin Judd

Not even like five minutes after she was born, when he got to see her in the hospital, did he call her ugly and bald

He probably had an identity crisis when his dad told him he looked like that too

Anyways, Elliot was really empathic towards him, even though he was definitely becoming a bit of a spoiled brat

Like, he sat him down and was like “I know it’s hard for you to get a new sister, but think about how much she’s going to look up to you, blah blah..”

Judd did not listen

So for the next few years, his mission became causing as much trouble for everyone around him as possible and then finding a way to blame it on Leah

Obviously, no one believed that an infant thrashed the house and set fire to a bunch of ants in the backyard

(It was hard to believe toddler Judd even managed to do it lmfao)

That’s another thing, like he wouldn’t hurt big animals, like cats, dogs, raccoons, ect cause he likes those

But he’s definitely responsible for the bug population in town drastically decreasing lol

He would be that type of little kid who burns ants, crushes snails and squeezes bugs to death

I was reading IT right, and patrick apparently has a whole pencil case filled with dead flies AND WHY IS THAT SO JUDD

I could see him bringing that into kindergarten, and when it’s art time he pulls it out and shows the teacher’s kinda proudly and they’re all like 😧✋

This was how he ended in therapy, too

Diane getting a call like “Yeah, uh, your son has a pencil case full of dead bugs and he’s scaring everyone pls come pick him up”

She wasn’t even mad, bc if you’ve seen my other headcannons, yk it would just be even more confirmation that Judd definitely inherited a lot of things from her

He was definitely a very stab-happy kid too

I’m talking deliberately sharpening his pencils to a point and using them as weapons 

I can see him having a slingshot too, he would sit somewhere his dad couldn’t see and just shoot rocks at him

Poor Elliot, Judd’s abuse and gremlin behaviours definitely affected him the most

Diane could actually get angry so Judd didn’t dare mess too much with her, and Leah was just a baby so her reactions were usually pretty boring

She didn’t even care when Judd showed her the dead flies smh 🫤

So Elliot was the only good target 

Judd was very, very annoyed though, at how he never really got angry, like he’d always just praise Judd for his creativity 

If he’s too mean to his dad, Diane will also get mad at him lol

So it’s about finding a balance yk 

But back to the therapy thing

I don’t really think Judd got diagnosed with anything, besides being a creepy ass kid 

If being creepy is a mental illness, count me in too idc

But like, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him, he just really enjoys causing trouble

So the only thing the therapist recommended was stricter parenting

As both him and Leah got older, his plans of getting rid of her became more thought out as well

There’s that one scene where Nick is a newborn and Judd tries to set fire to Leah’s hair

That is definitely a recurring thing, like he realised if he truly wanted to get rid of Leah he’d have to try something,,, more effective than leaving her random places and trying to get his parents to hate her

So setting her hair on fire seemed like a good idea

I don’t think he grasped the idea that she could actually die, but like if her hair burned off she would be ugly and their parents wouldn’t like her anymore yk? Something like that

Where did a six year old get lighters?? I would like to fucking know 

This was also around the time he started to realise, that maybe murder and thrashing the house all the time was not a good idea

Diane probably had a talking to him, and was like “Now you’ve got a new brother, you can’t be trying to set his crib on fire or anything, you’re too old for that now”

That made him switch out his lighter for scissors and that was when is Chucky arc properly started

He cut a b i g chunk of Leah’s hair off while she slept, he cut up a lot of his dad’s clothes and tried to stab multiple of his teachers 

Like, one of his teachers would go on to have Leah and Nick later, and would always tell them the story of how much of a menace Judd was and show them their scissor scars

Judd was definitely very spoiled too, he used to act kinda like Nick when he was younger 

Little man’s thought he was king of the kindergarten fr 

Probably carried over into his first years at school too, like 1st to 5th grade Judd was not much different 

Omg,, he was a biter too

Like I can see Diane getting mad at him and hoisting him up by his shirt or something, to carry him to his room, but he would just try to bite her the whole time

The same with his teachers, you touch him, you get bitten

I can see him getting into a lot of fights with other boys at school too, either for making fun of him or his dad 

Elliot came to pick him up one day and was like singing a little goofy song or whatever, and the other kids wouldn’t stop making fun of him 

(Aw, that’s so cute, little Judd secretly defending his dad’s honour at school)

Bc he definitely wouldn’t tell his parents the real reason he got into a fight 

Also, if anyone was bullying Leah in the schoolyard, Judd would straight up just spawn

His spidey senses was tingling fr 

But he wouldn’t (And still won’t) hesitate to knock anyone who’s mean to his sister the fuck out 

I feel like he’d also secretly slip something delicious he got in his lunchbox into Leah’s

Like, if she had a bad day at school and Judd so happened to have a candy bar (probably stolen lets be honest) He would make it suddenly appear in Leah’s lunch box and act all oblivious about it

That’s another thing, Judd was straight up just born w/o a moral compass

Even as a kid, he didn’t really see stealing, violence, ect as wrong

Well it all depends who he’s stealing from or beating up or whatever 

But yk, Diane was (and is probably still) like that lol

Tags: @dlfvrr , @bxbyyyjocelyn

(Lemme know if you want to be tagged!)

[pepmint-art]

Sooo, on my way to take care of Green Rejection Au as a good parent. Take care of one Au and stop producing hundreds of them and dropping them after one art.

Season 1, but Lloyd doesn't really believe in anythink that isn't human.

Snakes that talk to you? Yeah, no. Like, why would animals talk to you? It's probably hallucinations or unfunny joke.

His father is evil lord with 4 arms? It was last time when he listened to Gene about trying drugs (first and last time).

Spinjitsu/elemental powers? Physics goes bro bro goo goo. You know, lights and stuff.

Dragons? Actually, he haven't seen any of them. That let's him think they doesn't exsist.

Santa-claus? He knew from beggining that everyone tried lie to him. He knew the truth and shared it with other kids, breaking everything in what they believed.

His first meeting with Pythor was well, not so great for Pythor. Lloyd went to search for some stuff to illegally display in museum (where he works part-time, thanks to Misako) and just found him, but instead of listening to him, he completely ignored Pythor, thinking that it's all in his head. When Pythor, ofc annoyed, get his attention and Lloyd realized that Pythor for sure is alive, he just thought that it's some random guy in high quality furry suit. He's not judging, but part about sitting in caves alone was for him "weirdos activitie".

No matter how random and crazy his explanations could go, he just believed in them.

In the end, he left with empty hands, but freed Pythor telling him to not listen to haters and that his suit is amazing.

But why Lloyd doesn't accept the fact that other being existing?

Well, in this au Lloyd is way older then canonically (and other kids from Darkley's are also older) and he was already understanding world around himself (in the kids way, but understood) when Garmadon still was there. He knew about everything abnormal and was accepting this. The world just was like this and elemental powers looked beautiful for him.

But one day, the day that Garmadon was banished, Lloyd was there and saw this. He not only witnessed losing his father, but also he saw into what horrible monster he turned.

Let's be honest, for a kid it would be drastic moment in life. And traumatic as well.

He was put into therapy (at first Misako and Wu tried to talk to him and explain this but when he started closing himself on everyone, Misako just choosed to ask for help someone who would know what to do), but he was just erasing from memory everything what happened. With age he started believing in lies he created, that Garmadon left because of his own choice, that everything he sees isn't real and that's why he has therapist. He has to be mentally ill, normal people doesn't see stuff like this.

Also in Darkley's no one talked about snakes, powers and other stuff. He had perfect way to separate himself from all this "bullshit". And in family there just was an unwritten rule that until Lloyd doesn't start talking about this stuff, no one talks about it with him. Misako didn't wanted to push him, not knowing how far it will go. Ofc rule was broke when it finally came out that Lloyd is a green ninja.

With time going on in season 1 and 2 he remindes himself about what happened and slowly understands and accepts the past and present, promising that he'll help but only this one time (and it becomes "only this one time" everytime).

Everything gets better, but somehow he cannot connect his father with Lord Garmadon. It just doesn't work for him.

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[desultory-novice]

You think Elfilin sometimes stumbles across Elfilis in his dreams?

I like to imagine so. The possibility of the two fully reforming into one whole being exists (I mean, that was what was implied by the true ending but I also sort of take it as Elfilin acting as a guardian for Fecty's damaged soul while it recovers.)

The idea of them engaging in a form of "dream therapy," with each other really strikes a chord with me. Either in the form of debates between the two of them or Elfy retelling their positive experiences since their escape to a dreaming Fecty... Oh, actually... I really like that last one? (Someone ought to draw or write it! XD )

Two Elfy asks for the price of one!!

Heh, this vaguely reminds me of that comment about "How would Noir react to meeting Elfilin in Apologies-verse?" except the reverse - how Elfilis views/is able to tolerate humans! 

(Which I love! I was not expecting this~!)

Honestly, I wonder if even Elfilin has many positive emotions associated with humans? You'd have to think, their very first experience with them after being "born" was probably trying to escape re-capture. (Although if he has an ID number, he probably spent some time in the lab as a conscious specimen!)

It's hard to say for sure what Elfy's initial reaction would be because we don't know how much of humanity's departure they saw/what became of the rest of the species but I think he would be nice, especially if she's introduced as one of Kirby's friends, but Elfilis though...

It is clear Elfilis has so much baggage wrapped up in everything having to do with humans. You can hear it as their own thoughts leak through Leongar's mind. Both of them have abandonment complexes (Leon's complex is much smaller without Forgo whispering poison in his brain.)

If Elfilis "woke up" at any point during that first meeting, I imagine it was a hard mental shock for Elfilin. Something akin to a panic attack starts to occur. (Because I think that as much as Elfilis may hate humans and want to unleash their full power against them, they are weak, both power-wise and in Elfy's much weaker body) and so, rather than immediately get violent, a fear reaction occurs.

They fear capture and re-imprisonment. So Elfy's mind gets flooded with a killer dose of high-impact anxiety. Still, being the creature of positivity they are, I expect he would hold himself together long enough to excuse himself, fly off to the closest space they can be "alone" and do their best to calm their breathing and choke down any ill feelings in their gut + other trauma/flashback responses.

Running off of that, I realize now it might actually take a little bit for things to become "chill" between Adeleine and Elfilin. Neither means the other any harm of course!

If Kirby (or Bandee or Dedede or Meta Knight) were to inform Adeleine about Elfilin's situation, she would want to do as much as she can. I imagine that the process of them becoming friends would be... you know that archetypical story of the human befriending the scared wild animal? There's the initial "lashing out in fear" and "gifts of food left safe distances away" and the weeks of patience?

...That. That is their relationship for the first while.

I think Elfilin will eventually be able to overcome Elfilis's intense physical fear response around Adeleine though. Elfilis may never forgive humanity, but I could see even them settling on a "...you are the exception to your species" kind of take on the young artist. (It's not really a fair judgement to take the only one who had the chance to be nice to them as the sole good apple of a species, and heavily biased on their part, but hey, Fecty's got to start somewhere!)

[blessedshortcake]

My opinion on the finale episodes below the cut. Obviously spoiler warning lol

First of all. I see people say it was really underwhelming and i kinda have to agree? It wasnt a Bad ending or a lazy one or whatever words have been thrown around tho imo. I feel like with all the hype about how "painful" and emotional itll be from the VA and from everyone, we all just expected more tragic outcomes or something.

I am dissappointed because of that as well. I liked how Simon finally reflected a bit and had some self awareness about their situation with Betty. I loved that he didnt become Ice King again or that they didnt do some actual time travel to "fix" stuff. I also liked that they didnt necessarily made him a bad husband (?/boyfriend?) he kinda just never realised that Betty has been putting more into their duo than he was.

That doesnt make him innocent tho b4 someone comes at me. He was a bit too self absorbed but i dont think he was entirely selfish either. He was a person who made mistakes and didnt realise them. The line where he said smt like "i wish we could have talked like this before" also makes it pretty clear to me that Betty never really spoke up about these things either. Golbetty had to make him aware and tbh? I think that was more Golb than Betty.

The whole Scarab ordeal felt a bit. Ehhhhhh I dont know. His anger reaction to things suddenly becoming "canon" (lmao) was very nice to see but him being allowed to wreck havoc like that for a good while felt more like an excuse to bring the others into this world. I dont have a problem with it btw i just dont see the point why we need Farmwold Jay and Little... I forgot her name damn. Also whys Babyworld Finn here 😭 (i get it, he was in the tank, i dont mean literally i mean Why)

As much as i was soooo mad when LSP freed the scarabs it was very in character. I like how it was a thing that he likes animals from the start so it wasnt senseless stupidity, it was something he would do even tho it was the wrong thing to do. Made me pause and lay down to stare at the ceiling in frustration for a solid minute i cant lie, still in chacter tho.

But alas. I like how in the end it all didnt turn magical (completely since ig its partially magical with Cake and everything else) and how Cake finally cooled down about the crown. IM ALSO SO HAPPY THEY KEEP IN TOUCH WITH SIMON OVER THE PHONEEE!! But yea him wanting to move was so real and I hope he does lmao he deserves it.

I only kinda wish they made him reconnect with Marcy a bit more. I am actually pretty dissappointed that we dont know if he ended up reaching out to her more or not. I understand his situation with not wanting to spook her, i actually feel that bit in a soul connecting level good god, but idk. Im at least happy he is Literally in therapy now

(Kinda makes me wonder tho if he spent the time between the end of AT and the start of FC with no like therapist or psychologist. Just rawdogging his mental illness about everything. Mood tbh but like did he? Did he??)

Anyway despite my slight dissappointment i am actually pretty happy with the outcome. I really liked the theories and the ideas of how Simon may make FC magical or what he will become but tbh this is probably the best outcome. Everyone got a happy/hopeful ending (minus Farmwold Finn ig who im atp assuming is dead. Also Star Marceline and PB) which i am really REALLY happy about.

I gotta say I already wanna write fanfic about these guys so inspirational effect granted. Woooo.

Tldr

I was kinda dissappointed because it was overhyped about how emotional it will be when it really wasnt but other than that I am really happy about how the ending turned out save for the alternatives staying in FC

Edit: I SEE PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHOLE SHOW DONT TELL THING AND TBHHH??? TTTTBBBHHHH??? YEAH. IT WAS ALL JUST TALKED ABOUT LIKE WHAT ABOUT SYMBOLISM? MY GOD.

Also Simon had like 10 minutes to get closure with Betty which was horrifically rushed but again, when your wife turns into Basically God you kinda dont really have a choice to chit chat. Still not happy about it but again, could have been worse. Could have been much worse.

[blooky8]

started watching original animaniacs today, after 2 episodes i can already feel all my mental illnesses being cured, mood lifted & silliness increased to 100%

some comments: i really like their singing here! it's definitely different from the reboot, their voices (esp yakko's and wakko's) seem more relaxed and childish in a way? and it sound reeeaaally good, wakko is my favorite singer from the og show i think, while in the reboot i like yakko the most (but to be fair they just gave him more chances to show off) and the humor, it's meta but way less so than in the reboot, also feels a bit more honest and childish, which is nice. oftentimes it's just word-plays and gags, the sole goal of which is "to annoy the shit out of everyone around & have fun while doing it", and that always gets me, for example their first individual therapy sessions got me laughing under the table. so smug, but so simple and honest! also, something important to keep in mind: warners never actually try to hurt anyone who isn't a complete asshole, like annoying scratchy is pretty fun and harmless, but in the second episode they noticed that einstein is clearly upset, crying and calling himself a failure, so they tried to cheer him up with a song (and it worked)! they're just kids who want to have fun :) the visuals are also great. the animation is good quality, very jumpy & flowing & free to do what it wants, and that's a huge part of expressing warners' zany, insane-y nature! at times it looks a bit wacky, especially i notice that with mice, but i think that's the point, it makes characters 100 times funnier, at least for me. those last screenshots with patb absolutely sent me

(btw, more screenshots below tehee （￣︶￣）↴ )

[emptymanuscript]

Alright :/

What do I need to do?

Let's talk negatives since I tend to think in negatives.

I need to not end up in the mental hospital again.

I need to not self sabotage.

I need to not doomscroll.

I need to not retreat into oblivion.

I need to disarm my alarm system. Actually, yeah, that. All of my negatives are my alarm system shrieking and me trying to respond to it.

Number two (though they aren't really in much of any order) on my top recommended reading list is Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It's a great book. I think not merely for creative writing but also just has good life advice all around.

The titular advice, take the undoable, in the story an assignment to bird watch over an entire summer, procrastinated to the very end when it is essentially impossible, and just concentrate on doing what you can do, bird by bird, one mechanical step at a time. is perfect for these sorts of moments. Dealing with everything is not possible right now. It probably never is. So, ground. Look at what you need NOW. One step. That's it. Just one. One Bird on the list and don't worry about the rest until you've done that bird. All the other birds are a problem for future you. All you have to do is take ONE bird off future you's plate. Give the rest of the tasks to them, later.

For me, though, the best advice in it is her discussion of Radio Station K-FKD (That's pronounced by the letters in polite company and K-fucked the rest of the time).

If you are not careful, station KFKD will play in your head twenty-four hours a day, nonstop, in stereo. Out of the right speaker in your inner ear will come the endless stream of self-aggrandizement, the recitation of one’s specialness, of how much more open and gifted and brilliant and knowing and misunderstood and humble one is. Out of the left speaker will be the rap songs of self-loathing, the lists of all the things one doesn’t do well, of all the mistakes one has made today and over an entire lifetime, the doubt, the assertion that everything that one touches turns to shit, that one doesn’t do relationships well, that one is in every way a fraud, incapable of selfless love, that one has no talent or insight, and on and on and on. You might as well have heavy-metal music piped in through headphones while you’re trying to get your work done. You have to get things quiet in your head so you can hear your characters and let them guide your story. The best way to get quiet, other than the combination of extensive therapy, Prozac, and a lobotomy, is first to notice that the station is on. KFKD is on every single morning when I sit down at my desk. So I sit for a moment and then say a small prayer—please help me get out of the way so I can write what wants to be written. Sometimes ritual quiets the racket. Try it. Any number of things may work for you—an altar, for instance, or votive candles, sage smudges, small-animal sacrifices, especially now that the Supreme Court has legalized them. (I cut out the headline the day this news came out and taped it above the kitty’s water dish.) Rituals are a good signal to your unconscious that it is time to kick in. You might also consider trying to breathe. This is not something that I remember to do very often, and I do not normally like to hang around people who talk about slow conscious breathing; I start to worry that a nice long discussion of aromatherapy is right around the corner. But these slow conscious breathers are on to something, because if you try to follow your breath for a while, it will ground you in relative silence.

Lamott, Anne. Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (pp. 108-109). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

This is definitely not merely for writing.

K-FKD plays about everything.

How awful the world is. How superior WE are as opposed to THEM. Etc. How lethal and cruel and fascist certain very powerful groups are and how they are coming for us. Etc. Politics. Culture wars. Illness. Poverty. ALL OF IT.

Note that neither Lamott nor I are stating that Radio Station K-FKD is lying to you. Your brain is down right amazing at finding facts to support the noise it blares at you. In one of the last conversations I had with my cousin before he died, when he was extremely aware that this particular vacation was going to be his last, he talked about simply clearing his plate. Yes, he was going to die. Soon. Everyone knew it. He had had lots of plans and things to do and... and... and.... And simply dealing with all that, just the thoughts of it, were too much. He had to simply clear his plate. He only had time and energy to live. That was it. So he was simply there. He was happy to talk to his family. He was happy he was at the beach. He was happy the food was good. He was happy he had shade to keep him cool. He was happy the drugs were managing his pain pretty well at the moment. He was happy that it wasn't a surprise and he got to say goodbye - so that's what he did and it is all of what he did. He had emptied his plate to the bare essentials. Here, now, this is what I want, everything else is for later. That he was going to die was a plain and simple fact. It was true. He still had to turn K-FKD off to simply live while he could. Because letting it thunder in your head, non-stop, forever isn't living.

On the other hand, one of the things that definitely came up was that he was able to handle his death as gracefully as he did because it wasn't his first cancer bout. He had faced death before. He had dealt with all that it brings. Including mourning his health, vitality, and future. You can't turn K-FKD off by refusing to acknowledge the truth or saying that facts are lies. That actually turns the volume up. Sometimes the very thing you need to do to get the radio to turn down is to tune in and focus on it. These are the facts. This is true. This SUCKS. Let it play in both ears and just feel it. Let the brain do its work and mourn the horrors that are overwhelming you. Treat it like a song stuck in your head. You want it out, then you have to turn it on and let it play to the bitter end, uninterrupted. It's the full attention to the full run of it that lets your brain move on in the moment. So, when shit happens, if you want K-FKD to stop torturing you, you do have to mourn and do all that sucky psycho-bullshit-healing-feeling-pain. You have to tune into that track. Otherwise K-FKD will force you to listen to snippets on its own schedule FOREVER. Or at least until you do what is needed. And, unfortunately, the longer you let it play the K-FKD way, the harder it is to get to stop playing because our brains get used to the soundtrack. It grooves into the brain like a constant trickle of water carving out a canyon. It is counterintuitive but true, that it can be much better simply to let the land flood. It does a lot of damage but actually much less in the long run than the steady drip, drip, drip of K-FKD.

On the gripping hand, adding water, insult to injury, bathing in it and wallowing is iffy. It's good if it is tuning in and letting it flood so it can pass through your system more effectively. It's bad if it is a way to simply keep adding to the flood so it's steady waves rather than drips. That's how to wear away a continent rather than merely gouge a canyon.

So, for myself, I think my wisdom is telling me to disengage with politics right now. Consuming more politics is me trying to put out fire with gasoline. I am terrified and in mourning. I'm not terribly far out of my closet and am pondering how to stuff myself back in. I don't think that's healthy. Neither do I think it is healthy or safe to start throwing molotov's. That is why I went into the mental hospital the last time. I do not want to be that version of myself. Everyone else is going to have to make their own calculations but for my health and safety, I'm going to work on being as anti-political as I can on here. Acknowledging that it is probably going to be very difficult. I'll probably screw it up. But that's a problem for later me. Not now me. I'm going to try and trust them to have my back and work through their shit, then, the same way I'm trying to work through mine.

Then it is on to unfucking my life. Never fun. But I am now 7 days behind on NaNoWriMo. I've been in writing burnout for something longer than a decade. I NEED to write. I NEED to catch up. I NEED to reassert that portion of my identity before the failure to engage with it kills me. So I'm going to try to focus there for now. I'm going to try and tune into that with the energy I have been using for politics.

I called myself empty MANUSCRIPT for a reason. So I think it is time to empty my plate, turn off the radio, and focus on there for now. That's my first bird.

That's it.

I'll deal with whatever NEEDS to happen next after I get this cleared off my plate.

And I hope everyone else finds/gets what they need to survive the next few days, too, even if I don't say so elsewhere or elsewise.

[lettermanjack]

Welcome back to LJ's 2Am headcannons number...what 4? Idk I just like voicing my thoughts to the void that is Tumblr NSNDNF. Today is about PETS >:D

- Before he went on the show and gained a solid support system Tissues used to struggle with depression, mostly due to his illness. Feeling terrible and sick your entire life with little to no hope of relief can do that to a person. He stopped taking any of his medicine other than pain killers, he stopped going to the doctor and overall just stopped interacting with anyone in general. Just complete radio silence. It most likely would have stayed that way for a lot longer if Tissues didn't find Casper. (his cat I mentioned in a previous headcannon post :]) Casper was actually a stray kitten Tissues found around his apartment complex and took in despite the apartment not allowing pets. The constant maintenance of feeding, cleaning up after, and playing with Casper kept Tissues awake and active. It gave him something to focus on and look forward to, which ultimately improved his mental state ten fold. Once he moved into Hotel OJ Casper officially was able to be registered as Tissues' therapy cat and now Tissues has 2 boyfriends and an entire hotel that loves Casper (now dubbed "Achoo" by said boyfriends) just as much as he does. Life is good :]

- Tissues isn't actually the only person in the hotel with an animal. Knife also has one, a German Shepherd named Maverick (lol Top Gun reference). Maverick is a retired police dog who's back leg got banged up in an accident, resulting in him being retired. His handler couldn't keep him so Maverick was surrendered to the general public where Knife adopted him. Maverick's leg could never fully heal so he still walks with a limp despite not being in any pain. Other than walking a little funny, Maverick is a very happy pupper who sleeps on the end of Knife's bed and steals people's food during breakfast. Maverick and Casper cuddle a lot :]

Semi unrelated but I completely forgot until just now that I made an Au of my Au where Blu! Mephone has a gray Tabby therapy cat named Gizmo

This is him. This isn't rly a headcannon but the fact I gave both Mephone and Tissues therapy cats is funny to me. Anyway I go sleeb now bye byeeee.