#also the 5sos thing is a lie

[lawtistic]

my icon logan tagged me for the tag game 

name/nickname: liam/L !! i have many nicknames given to me by 6 other shitheads and they vary from loincloth to lemur (i hate them all)

height: 5′4 (~162 cm), ive been called tall tho? im... not very tall im very average actually

sign: aquarius sun, capricorn moon and rising if those matter

song in my head: diana by one direction (its been literal years since ive heard it i have actually zero clue why this is happening)

number of followers: i will say very low and majority of them are bots i dont care enough to block but i pride myself on that so

amount of sleep: i was up freaking out over a social situation til like 2am and woke up at 7 but usually i go to bed around 10pm (22:00) and wake up at 6am

dream job: if you asked me this a year ago i would have given you a 4 page essay about how im working to get involved in film production somehow but now i just want a stay at home job where im not expected to cry on a daily basis

currently wearing: t shirt leggings leather jacket. i wear this every day its comfortable its my style and nobody expects anything different from me

media that summarizes you: i hate watch a lot because i find it funny but because of that i cant really think of anything since i havet seen a lot of stuff i genuinely like. maybe lady bird? even then thats a big if

aesthetic: fucking 2015 5sos core. ive never in my life been a 5sos fan but it just feels fitting since i drown myself in 2010s nostalgia constantly and they just radiate the median between grunge and beach dudes

favorite author(s): i dont really read a lot? the only book ive really cherished in my lifetime is a million ways home by dianna dorsi wingnet so probably her. i read a lot of beverly cleary like 10 years ago too

favorite song: i dont have a singular one but some of my favorites are absinthe by idkhow, pretty face by public, favorite poison by fuller, stay with me by better love, and touch by animal sun

fav instrument: that ive played, viola because it was easy but ive always thought saxophones were cool

 fun fact: my birthday lands on a very controversial upcoming holiday thats within the next 2 weeks

i would tag theo for this but id rather just aggressively hint it at him and let him find it himself (also i dont remember how his user is formatted and dont feel like looking for it. hes also the only active person on tumblr that doesnt scare me)

[ghost-of-you]

5sos meme: 1/8 favorite outfits.

That damn green flannel.

[edge-oftheworld]

going back through some of this fandom's history has made me realise, we really see people as black and white good or bad don't we?

[hanichani]

You look so perfect standing there...

Pairing: chan x gn!reader

Genre: fluff

Summary: a drabble inspired by she looks so perfect by 5sos

Warnings: chan has a tattoo and is very much in love, lmk if i missed aynthing

Word count: 920

a/n: ever since I saw that clip of chan singing that song at one of the maniac tour concerts, i thought it was a very channie coded song. btw i know getting someone's name tattooed is very... but imagine someone being so obsessed with you that they do that hjkdjkh

when you walk out of the bathroom chan is already in bed, wearing his pyjamas (a pair of boxers), facing the ceiling. you lean on the door frame and cross your arms over your chest, looking at the man with only love and admiration in your eyes (maybe a bit of lust as well and no one can blame you for that). his sight moves from the ceiling to his wrist as he raises his arm up. he starts playing with the chain bracelet he’s worn forever now and when he does so, you can see the little tattoo that is hidden on the inside of his bicep. it’s a small black arrowed heart that has your name in it and you vividly remember the night he got it.

it was two years into your relationship when chan was in his yolo era and so so in love with you. so, one night, he picked you up at your house and told you he had a surprise. you did not expect him to take you to a tattoo salon and you expected what followed even less.

“you’re crazy.” you told him while shaking your head at him. but he only fired back with a very predictable “yea, for you.” and a loud laugh.

and even though chan is still equally as in love with you, he is also more responsible now and thinking about things that actually matter. so, when your body movement interrupts him from his thoughts, he looks over to you with a questioning expression. when he sees your form leaning on the doorframe, he smiles. you look so perfect standing there and he feels the need to tell you. he always does.

“you look beautiful.” he says, rolling over to his stomach and propping himself up on his elbows, one of his hands supporting his chin.

you snort in response and move closer to the bed, staring down at him. his hair is fluffy since he washed it tonight, the curls coming back to life. you reach down and ruffle it which he takes as an invitation to pull you down to the bed with him.

you’re wrapped up in his arms. one of his hands resting on your waist and the other sneaking down to your ass. the movement pauses when he reaches the hem of your underwear. or more specifically, his underwear. when he feels the thick band of fabric sitting on your skin, he pulls your shirt up and looks down.

“you’re wearing my underwear.” he states the obvious while his hand finally moves over the fabric that belongs to him (and also the skin that belongs to him). “yea, it’s more comfy to sleep in.” you respond, looking down as well. you’re not going to lie, the sight is nice. the black calvin klein boxers sitting on your hips nicely and chan’s pretty hand resting on your butt is something you’d want to take polaroids of and keep them hidden away in your room forever.

he groans and tugs your body closer to his, hiding his face in your neck and squeezing the soft flesh covered in his clothing. “you look so good in it.” he mumbles, and you can’t help but laugh at his frustration caused by a simple action.

it was quite a frequent occurrence, really. him getting so loved up and frustrated over stuff you do or over you as a person in general.

you remember the first time it happened. it was towards the very beginning of your relationship. he bought you a lot of new makeup products for no particular reason other than just to make you happy (and maybe he thought it was a very boyfriend thing to do). but there was one specific product that caught your attention. so, when chan came over to your house the day after giving you the products, you were wearing it. a dark red lipstick that smelled like roses. he noticed immediately.

“is that the lipstick i gave you?” he smiled, his hands going to rest on your hips, pulling you to him. “yea, it’s really pretty, right?” you smiled back, arms wrapping around his neck. but to your surprise, he shook his head no.

“it’s really hot.” he corrected with a smirk, leaning down to kiss you.

when he pulled back, his lips were a few shades darker and you swear you could’ve died right then and there. without thinking about it too much, you leaned close to him again and started kissing all over his face. you could hear his boyish giggles reverbating around the room. his hands squeezed your hips in an attempt to get you to stop.

when you led him to a mirror after that, he turned into a mush. you draped yourself over his shoulders and started peppering kisses down his neck now and the man just stood there not knowing where to look first.

should he admire how well the lipstick stains, the shape of your lips, really, looked on his face. or should he be staring at your face that was moving in the crook of his neck, marking him up some more. he couldn't handle it and his lipstick covered and frustration filled body turned around in your hold, going down to your neck (a very characteristic action for his love frustration surges).

and just like you did every time after that and like you’re doing right now, all you could do was laugh, hold him close and think about how incredibly lucky you were to have him as your person.

[nxuvillette]

LOVER OF MINE — WAKASA IMAUSHI

synopsis: you and wakasa have been together for almost six months. he decides one day to reminisce on where it all began.

❥- pairings : wakasa imaushi x fem!reader

❥- note : came up with this randomly, LMAO. it was also inspired by lover of mine by 5sos <3 i hope you all enjoy and reblogs are appreciated !!!

content warnings : sfw, fem!reader, ageless + blank blogs dni, established relationship, fluff, use of pet names (princess), some suggestive content, mentions of alcohol, wakasa is so in love with you.

wakasa imaushi never thought he was capable of falling in love. 

he remembered when he saw you for the first time. he was out for a drive to clear his head and he ended up stopping at a local convenience store he had been to many times. you were standing out front, seemingly waiting for someone or possibly a ride. at first, he didn’t bat an eye at you, but that all changed when you spoke to him for the first time.

“um, excuse me, do you know how to get back to aspen street..? i kind of lost my way.”

your voice was like honey. it was smooth and sweet and rolled off your tongue nicely. if it was anybody else, he would have just ignored the question and went inside to get his beer, but something about you was pulling him in. it was like there was some kind of string pulling you both towards one another. 

“let me take you there. it’s late and you shouldn’t be walking by yourself.”

wakasa never thought those simple words would be the reason why you were now lying beside him in the sheets of his bed. he found it hard to believe that six months ago he saw you as a stranger. someone who was simply looking for directions and now you were his girlfriend. your relationship was one of the reasons he had given up bad habits. you taught him to be gentle, caring. all of the things he wasn’t before he met you. he adored your little mind games. 

the sun’s golden rays peeked into your shared bedroom. usually, wakasa would be fast asleep with you in his arms, but instead, he was awake and staring at your beautiful face. he could never get enough of you. 

your eyes twitched for a brief moment before you peeled them open, revealing your sleepy hues that were sensitive to the bright light that filled the room. he couldn’t help but smile when you lifted your eyes to look at him. his hair was sprawled all over his pillow and he still seemed a little hazy from sleep. “mornin’ princess..” his voice was hoarse from sleep, but nonetheless it sounded sexy.

you lifted yourself just enough to lie your head against his chest. a smile spread across your cheeks when you heard the soft beat of his heart in your ear. “morning.. did you sleep well?” you twirled a piece of his dual colored hair between your fingertips. 

wakasa pressed a kiss atop the crown of your head, trailing his fingers down your backside. he loved mornings like this when it was just the two of you bathing in each other’s embrace. your skin was so soft and your natural scent was enough to calm him down. it made him never want to leave your side. “of course.. especially with you here.” he squeezed your body lightly, making you snuggle into him.

you tilted your face upwards to press a small kiss on his jaw. wakasa couldn’t help but chuckle at the sensation of your lips against him. it also made him quite excited. 

a yelp escaped your lips when wakasa pushed you on top of him, so you were now straddling his waist. despite your hair being somewhat messy from sleep, you still looked like a queen in front of him. “have i ever told you how fuckin’ sexy you are?” he questioned, raising his eyebrow at you.

you giggled at his tone. “yes.. always.” you smiled, feeling bashful.

wakasa brought you in for a kiss, grabbing your ass in the process. you were completely taken back by his sudden action, but nonetheless did you enjoy it. it was so great. there was nowhere else you’d rather be than with him right beside you. “i love you..” he whispered against your lips.

you grinned, pressing your forehead against his. “i love you more.” you replied.

© NXUVILLETTE ┆ all rights reserved, do not repost, translate, or claim as your own.

[cal-flakes]

can you do a story where the reader and rafe are bestfriends and he confesses that he likes her & he wasnt expecting her to feel the same way but she does?🧍🏼‍♀️

╰┈➤ bestfriend!rafe tells y/n the truth (blurb)

warnings: light swearing, kinda hurt/comfort, fluff.

summary: rafe get a bit fed up of listening to his friends sob story’s about boys who don’t treat her well. (very heartbreak girl by 5sos)

rafe sighed heavily as his hand ached, having been stroking y/n’s hair for quite some time. his eyes flickered between her and television, trying to see if she’d fallen asleep or not.

“y/n?” he whispered, jolting her slightly. groaning in response, she turned to face him, showing him her puffy, flushed face, covered in dried tears from earlier. “yeah?” she cooed, resting her head against the arm of the couch as she sat up, cuddling into his side.

“i thought you’d fallen asleep, are you feeling any better?” he queried, a sad look in his eyes. “i am now that you’re here” she smiled sweetly, allowing her head to fall into the crook of his neck.

sighing, his eyes moved to the television once again, deep in thought as she nuzzled into him, not caring for the splotches of tears cascading down his white t-shirt.

“do you really mean that?” he asked, deciding to go for the kill. “mean what?” she hummed, glancing back up at him.

“do you really mean that you’re happier when i’m here?” he pushed, watching as her facing contorted into confusion. “of course i do, you’re my best friend, i’m always happier when you’re around..” she muttered tiredly, a need for sleep apparent as a violet hue spread underneath her eyes.

“no but, that’s not what i- actually, it’s fine, it doesn’t matter..” rafe huffed, throwing his head back against the couch in defeat. she’d never understand, he thought. “hey, no. it does matter, cause something is clearly bothering you” y/n argued.

the sudden lack of warmth in his side couldn’t go unnoticed as she sat up in a flash, confronting him head on. “what do you mean rafe?” she sighed, resting her now crossed legs on his waist as he avoided her eyes, biting at his nails.

“y/n please, it’s fine” he plead, wanting the ground to swallow him up as he realised his options. lie, or tell the truth. he didn’t want to tell the truth, but he also didn’t want to lie. mostly because he knew that she would know in an instant if he was lying, her ability to tell honestly grated on him sometimes.

“but you seem sad rafe, and i hate when you’re sad, and like- y’know, i’m sad too! so if you tell me why you’re sad, we can be sad together” she rambled, giggling slightly as she prodded at his cheeks, clearly pushing his buttons. “so tell me why you’re sad, cause i’m sure i can help!” she beamed, cupping his cheeks.

his heartbeat quickened as he leant into her warm touch, enjoying the slight scrape of her nails against his skin.

“fine, okay. i’m sad, because..a girl i really like, like- really really like, doesn’t look at me the same way..” he mumbled, once again diverting his eyes. “seriously? who would be stupid enough to not like you back? that’s insane!” she exclaimed, pulling back to show him her shocked face. chuckling, he nodded along with her. “yeah, you’d think so huh?”

“do you want me to talk to her? i could put in a good word?” she teased, though her words were genuine. she’d do anything for him.“don’t be silly, she wouldn’t listen, she’s got too much on her mind already..”

“what’s more important than you?” she huffed, crossing her arms, utterly surprised by this girls behaviour towards her friend. humming, he picked at his fingers. “what?” y/n asked, noticing his change in demeanour immediately.

she scoffed as he fell completely silent, staring into her eyes. “rafe, what is it?” she demanded, growing frustrated. “well, it’s you..” he whispered, pulling into his lips into a thin line “what’s me? i don’t understand..”

“y’know, the girl i really like, who as more important things on her mind? it’s you y/n..”

“it’s me?”

[lucy90712]

English love affair- Fermin Lopez

A/n: yes this is loosely based on the 5sos song I remembered it existed recently and haven't stopped listening to it 

Fermin's POV

It's always fun getting to visit a new country especially to play football but I've never known somewhere to be as rainy as England or London specifically. It's done nothing but rain since we landed but still the boys insisted we go out and explore as we have some free time they quickly regretted it when our umbrellas all turned inside out in the wind so we all decided to just go and get some lunch and watch the busy London streets from somewhere dry. The place we ended up in because it was close was actually rather nice and it was quiet too with just a few other table none of which seemed to pay any mind to us which hopefully means they don't know who we are. 

Once we were sat down one of the other groups caught my eye it was a group of girls who looked around my age. It wasn't just the girls that caught my eye it was one of them in particular I don't know what it was about her but I couldn't take my eyes off her she isn't my usual type but she is just so strikingly beautiful it's hard not to admire her. As soon as I noticed her I didn't stop staring which I know is creepy but the way she smiled and laughed with her friends was just so mesmerising. Out of all places to meet such a beautiful girl a tiny restaurant in the middle of London is not what I expected but I'm not going to complain. 

"Hey are you still with us bro" gavi elbowed me 

"Yeah yeah" I replied not looking at him 

"What have we been talking about for the last 10 minutes then?" Pedri asked 

"The game" I guessed 

"You know it's creepy just to stare at that girl right" Joao said 

"I'm not staring" I lied finally taking my eyes off her 

"You so are" Pedri said 

"Has fermin found love at first sight" Gavi teased 

"Stop it guys she'll hear you" I whisper yelled at them 

"Surely you want her to hear us there's no point just staring at her if you don't say something you'll never see her again" Joao said 

His logic was sound I can't lie. There is no point admiring her from afar if I don't say anything I'll never see her again and if she rejects me well then I don't have to face her again which would hopefully make it easier to take. That makes it sound simple but it's not that straightforward I'm not the best at talking to girls I never know what to say like do I just introduce myself do I compliment them it's all so complicated and I never seen to get it right. Of course in this situation there is the added problem of the language barrier I speak English pretty well but I don't know if I know enough to have a conversation with her and sometimes accents complicate things. It's a lot to think about but there isn't really time to think about it as she could leave at any time and I need to have something to say. 

For the rest of lunch all the boys kept trying to give me pointers on what to say some of which were serious but most were jokes. They also tried to find her Instagram for me but they were entirely unsuccessful which didn't surprise me as we don't even know her name but they tried nonetheless. While they talked among themselves I noticed that she was finally getting up to leave and as if it was meant to be her friends all left her so I had no reason not to take my chance. I was going to get up and talk to her but the boys pushed me out of my seat before I could get up and told me not to come back until I'd spoken to her. I approached her as she turned to leave her table and we locked eyes for the first time and I nearly froze but I didn't I kept walking towards her. 

"Hi I'm Fermin sorry if this is too forward but I thought you were really pretty and wanted to introduce myself" I said 

"Thank you Fermin I'm y/n" she said 

"I know this seems a lot but I'm only here for a few days so would you want to go and get coffee or something as long as you're free" I said 

"That sounds great I have the rest of today off as long as you are available" she said 

"Great you might have to guide me on where to go if you couldn't tell I'm not from here" I joked 

"I have the perfect place to go" she said 

With that we left together and I texted the boys telling them I'll pay them back for my part of the bill later. As we walked wherever she wanted to go we got to know each other a bit more she told me that she was in fact my age and that she's still in university studying psychology but she's on a break which is why she's out with friends during the day. I told her a bit more about myself but I didn't tell her exactly why I was here because I want to get to know her more before I tell her that I play football because that can really change how girls act around me. I'd love to believe that she wouldn't be like that but you never know there's girls I've met before that I thought wouldn't be so obsessed with my career but they were although I do think y/n is different. 

She took us down a few backstreets before we reached this cafe which only had two other people in it which was perfect. As soon as we entered the lady running the place came over to ask y/n how her studying had been going and she offered us our drinks on the house but y/n insisted on paying. If I didn't already like her that interaction only confirmed my thought that she was just truly a lovely person and that's something I find really attractive in a girl. We sat in a quiet corner of the cafe and sipped our drinks but mostly we just didn't stop talking. I've never had such a connection with someone before, it sounds like such a cliche but we really got on like a house on fire instantly. She's really just perfect I've never found someone I love everything about from the moment I met them but that's how I feel with y/n, every good quality you would want she has she's kind, patient and not to mention absolutely beautiful. 

After finishing our drinks and getting to know each other we both had to leave I'm supposed to  eat with the team for dinner and she had to do some studying but luckily her place is on the way to my hotel so we got to walk together. However the walk wasn't very long and before I knew it we had to say goodbye. I didn't want this to be the last time we see each other so I just kind of blurred out that I'm here to play football and invited her to the game. Naturally she had a few questions but I answered them and she agreed to come to the game tomorrow which is how I got her number so I could text her all the details she would need. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Your POV

With my week off from uni I expected to see some friends and just unwind a bit but instead I ended up going out with a guy and not just any guy a Barcelona player who is playing a match in the champions league today and invited me to go. To say I'm nervous would be an understatement, I've never been to a football match before let alone been invited by a player so I have no idea what to expect. All I do know is that I'm really excited to see Fermin again he's such a nice guy and incredibly attractive plus we connected really well so it would've been a shame if we only saw each other once before he had to go back to Barcelona. 

Last night I did so much googling to learn as much about football and Fermin's team as possible I don't know how much I retained but I tried my best. Something I definitely did remember was that this was an important match for the team so they will really want to win and I really hope they do because I'd love to see Fermin happy. I also realised that football was a lot more popular than I thought as Barcelona had over 120 million followers on Instagram and Fermin had over 2 million. Knowing how popular Fermin and the team were did make me anxious because I have less than 50 followers and a private account which I'm fine with because I don't like the attention but I think Fermin is worth the possible complete change in my life. 

Time went by so quickly today before I knew it I was supposed to be getting ready to leave which meant deciding what to wear. The obvious choice would be a Barcelona shirt but I don't own one so I can't do that instead I just put on some blue jeans and a red top so I was close enough to wearing the Barcelona colours. I did some simple makeup and did my hair but that was all I had time for as I had to get to the stadium and find my seat before the start of the match. 

Getting to the stadium actually wasn't too bad but I got so lost trying to find my seat as Fermin didn't get me just any ticket he got me a vip ticket which meant I had a really good seat but it was hard to find the right entrance. Once I found my seat I was offered drinks and all sorts of other things but I just wanted to sit there as I was feeling really nervous all of a sudden. Everyone else in the vip section was very clearly either important people or wives/girlfriends of the players which made me feel a little out of place. Everyone had designer clothes on their hair done all nicely and perfect makeup and there I was in clothes I've owned for years with barely anything done to my appearance. Most of them were also speaking Spanish which I have a basic understanding of but I couldn't make out a word they were saying so I just kept to myself. 

The match was very intense which I think was made worse for me because I didn't really know what was going on but it ended up in a Barcelona win which really made me happy. All of the players celebrated in front of the fans before finally leaving the pitch which was my cue to find my way down to the locker room as Fermin told me to meet him down there after the game. I saw some of the other girls from my section of seats heading a certain way so I just followed them and luckily they were going the right way and I found where I needed to be. I text Fermin to tell him I was there whenever he was ready but seconds after I sent the text he was coming out the door with the biggest smile on his face which made me smile even more. He ran straight over to me and gave me a hug clearly still high on adrenaline but it loved it. As he pulled away he gave me a kiss on the cheek which made me blush so hard I probably looked like a clown. 

"Congrats you guys were so good out there" I said 

"Thank you did you enjoy the game?" He asked 

"Yeah it was a bit confusing but the atmosphere was amazing" I answered honestly 

"That just means I'll have to see you again and explain the rules" he smirked 

"I might need more than one lesson the offside rule seems a bit confusing" I joked 

"I wish I could spend more time with you but we leave tomorrow morning" he said 

"But if it's ok with you I'd love to walk you home so we can spend more time together" he added 

"I'd really like that" I said 

He had to go back to the team for a bit but he gave me a water bottle and an apple incase I was hungry which made me laugh but I appreciated him caring so much about me. He wasn't gone that long but when he came back a few of his teammates followed him so he introduced me to them quickly as they wanted to meet me. They were all so sweet that it actually made me even more sad that they were all leaving and this little fling or whatever it is I have with Fermin will be over. We are lucky to have a bit more time together even if it is just the walk back to my place I will take all the time I can get. 

Fermin took my hand and we walked back to my place together very slowly so we could have more time together. As we walked it became darker and colder outside until it started to rain which is very typically England it always rains at the worst times. I did bring an umbrella but that lasted less than a minute in the wind so we were getting soaked but I didn't care at all I'd stand out here forever if I was with Fermin. He seemed to feel the same as neither of us walked any quicker we just accepted the fact that we were going to get wet and it was worth it. Eventually we made to right outside my apartment building and it was time for us to say our final goodbyes and I can't lie I felt tears in my eyes. It feels somewhat stupid to be so attached to someone I just met but we just had an instant connection and I don't want to let it go just yet. 

"I can't believe how much I don't want to leave you right now" Fermin said 

"I really don't want you to leave either" I said 

"I know we are both busy but promise me that we will try and keep in contact and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work but I can't let you go like this" Fermin said 

"I promise I'm not going to give up on this" I said 

"Can I kiss you?" he asked 

All I did was nod which was enough for Fermin as he leant in and pressed his lips to mine. We were both freezing from the rain but I felt so much warmer when his lips met mine which told me that our connection as new as it is is very real. I've never felt like this when kissing anyone before let alone a first kiss which I think is the universes way of telling me that I've met someone special and to not give up on this without a fight. We kissed for a bit longer before we both pulled away and just stared at each other with our foreheads connected until we couldn't just stand there anymore. Fermin gave me one last kiss and promised he'd text me tomorrow before leaving to head back to his hotel leaving me to go inside and come to terms with all of the millions of feelings I had running through me.

~~~~~~~~~~

2 years later 

Just last week I submitted my dissertation and finished my degree it has been a hard few years but I'm proud of myself for doing it. The big changes in my life don't end there though as not only have I put a big part of my life behind me but I'm moving to a completely new country. Fermin and I have been together for nearly 2 years now and today is the day I finally move in with him in his place in Barcelona. The road to get here has been long but it all feels worth it Nke that I'm going to get to see him in person everyday not over the phone. 

Our relationship hasn't been normal in any way in fact our first date was over FaceTime and we started dating before we even had our first kiss as he asked me to be his girlfriend over FaceTime too. There has been lots of ups and downs and there has been times we have nearly broken up as we were so stressed with other things which affected our relationship but we made it. It feels like the hard part of our relationship is over and from now on I feel like it will be plain sailing. We have always had a special connection from the second we met but that really comes alive when we get to be together in person so getting to live together and be there for each other everyday is going to be so amazing. 

As much as I love Fermin with my whole heart deciding to move to Barcelona wasn't an easy decision. My whole life has always been in England like my friends and my family and I wasn't sure if I was ready to let go of all that and completely start my new life. Fermin was so supportive as well as I made my decision he told me if I needed to move back home for a bit longer to find myself outside of education then he would support that. Ultimately I decided that it was time for me to take the leap and discover who I am with him as I want him to always be part of my life so we decided we'd move in together which it some might seem risky but we know each other so well that neither of us thought it would be a problem. 

Preparing to move has been quite stressful as I've been shipping my things to Fermin so that I only have to bring some things with me on the plane but now I'm ready to go all I feel is excitement. Sitting on the plane sending my last text to Fermin before I land and we get to be together forever felt amazing but strange at the same time the long distance chapter of our relationship is finally coming to an end. The entirety of the flight all I thought about was all the things we can finally do now that we get to spend more time together like we can go on weekend trips if he has time off or spontaneous midweek dates and even just the things regular couples do together. 

Coming through the doors into the arrivals area Fermin was waiting there for me, he spotted me in seconds and we just ran towards each other. His arms wrapped around my waist as he engulfed me in the tightest hug I've ever experienced he held me so tight that he lifted my feet off the floor which he took to his advantage and spun me round. Once he finally put me down his lips were attached to mine almost instantly and we shared what I think was the best kiss we've ever had. 

"I'm so glad you're finally here and our lives together can finally begin" he said 

"I can't wait to see what the future holds" I said  

[strwbrrykthv]

hi in ur inbox bc im the one that wrote that beside you fic with katsuki and like 🫧🫧 i love 5sos and i wanna write more fics w/ their songs but idk where to start, do you have any ideas? 😭🤍🤍

HIHIHI!! OMG!!!! YES! music is my first love. i love taking a song and making a moment😣😣

i love some 5sos angst tbh so please feel free to add onto these and run with them or use them for inspiration all you want! im not good at writing actual fics with dialog lol. im going to link the songs from spotify!

some of these i have actually thought about before so they’re a little more detailed than others.

so i think some good 5sos songs that go with katsuki would be:

blender: relatively fresh from the big fight. hes got his issues hes having to work through such as going to rehabilitative therapy, realizing what exactly happened out there in the fight, and just dealing with the aftermath of what happened to izuku. it puts a strain on his relationship with you. he’s definitely not the person he was before the fight and thats not totally a bad thing, but he has to get used to not feeling unbeatable anymore. he hates how (he thinks) you look at him, like he’s this fragile thing that cant take of himself. you get into petty arguments all the time right after the war because of this shift in mentality, but no matter how bad of fight you two have you’re the one thing thats constant in his life right now and the one thing that didn’t drastically change after the war.

no shame: both mid 20s pro heros. you don’t want a serious relationship, but you do want katsuki. he doesn’t care because he’s honest been in love with you for years. he will do anything he has to to be able to bring you back to his apartment after the hero gala. you want a no strings attached attached physical relationship, you've told him that plenty of times and every time he says he understands. when you first get together he worries you regret it, but you don’t you want more from him, but you also don’t feel tied down to him and flirt and go home with hawks one night. he feels replaced and has absolutely no shame in showing you how he truly feels to be able to bring you back to him and only him.

want you back: katsuki doesn’t mellow out after the war and you both become pros. if anything, the trauma from the war increases his outbursts and his anger. he doesn’t realize how far he has pushed you away until you’re refusing to come inside his apartment building after an outing with mutual friends. he’d been drinking a little more and more each hangout and people were starting to notice that he was a bit of an angry drunk, starting petty fights and just being rude. you can’t take his insults anymore either. you tell him he has actually changed since high school, he’s gotten worse. you call it quits there, standing outside his apartment building in the rain and he doesn’t say a single word to you as word vomit these feelings you’ve had for at least a month. he stands there for 20 minutes after you leave before he goes inside. you never contact him again. kirishima gets your belongings from his apartment, but doesn’t share any info about you to katsuki. he sleeps maybe a total of 8 hours a week, staying up thinking about all the good parts of your relationship and he realizes they started to become rare in the past year all because of him. years later after this he’s been to therapy. he tells everyone he’s moved on even though w never had anything serious since you. he sees you at a hero gala and you do have a date with you, but that doesn’t stop him from approaching you and asking for a minute to talk. seeing you in person floods his mind with memories and he can finally pin point all the moments you had mentioned that night. he apologizes down a hallway at the gala begging for your forgiveness, he’s changed and he wants to show you that.

lie to me: similar to want you back, you realize katsuki is not giving you what you deserve anymore and no matter how much you love him you cannot let your self worth be destroyed by him. the break up is “mutual” but it’s definitely tense on all areas because honestly neither one of you wanted to break up, but you felt you had no choice. about 3 years later, there’s a UA reunion at a bar. he doesn’t want to go because obviously you will be there. you blocked him on all socials and your mutual friends never gave details. he knew you had a new boyfriend, but he can’t be mad when he’s got a new girlfriend too. what he doesn’t expect is to walk in and see you with mirio, the current number 1 hero. he feels embarrassed because he thinks that is a huge upgrade from him and he honestly knows you deserve someone that him that would treat you better. he orders drinks for him and his date, a random girl that works in his office that reminded him of you even you first got together, and labs back against the bar to look at the entire class back together. you both lock eyes for a second before you break eye contact first to go back to talking to mirio and todoroki. he is instantly taken back to the times you shared together as young adults. after the eye contact you peak over to his date and see that she is absolutely gorgeous and think about how he treats her behind closed doors. at the end of the night you and mirio say your goodbyes and right before leaving you make short eye contact with him again. this time, katsuki is the one who can’t help but think about the way mirio treats you behind closed doors. katsuki and his date finally go home later that night and as he’s getting ready for bed he gets the urge to text you. he doesn’t know if it will go through or if you even have his number saved anymore but it’s worth a shot. all he texts is “do you love me?” and imagine his surprise when the message says delivered. also imagine his surprise when he gets a text back saying “yes”.

i hope this helps you! everything just started getting longer and longer so i had to stop lol. lmk if you want a pt. 2 with their older songs or less angst!

[oncamelliastreet]

how would u recommend getting into 5sos?? i have friends who think i'll like them but it feels like a daunting task

OOO OO OOOOO

okay A) do it, they’re the best band ever and literally so funny you’ll die and luke hemmings is the loml so like you need to

B) the way i did it was i just listened to their first album and worked from there, but if we’re being extremely honest here their first album is hardly anyone’s favorite and that’s for a reason, so if you’re gonna listen to an album first i’d say either work from the beginning because you’ll here their growth more, or their 4th album CALM is really good and it’s only like 12 songs plus a bonus track and it’s a really good intro to them, or youngblood is my fav album by them so i’d definitely throw that your way

C) if you don’t want to listen to an album first and just want to get a feel, here are my fav songs by them

- take my hand (joshua tree version) ((ashton, the drummer, has said that this is the song he would want to define their band))

- lie to me (NOT the version featuring julia michaels) (this one comes with an extremely sad music video which i would be glad to describe to you in depth

- bad omens (literally one of their best songs)

- teeth

- no shame

- jet black heart (this one is really personal to their guitarist michael and they’ve said that they’re never removing it from their set list because it’s just too good which is amazing news because this song live is CATHARTIC)

- outer space/carry on (don’t be confused by the random silence in the middle it’s the rain in outer space if you listen closely, also i listen to this one every new year’s eve because it’s very hopeful and comforting)

- older (luke hemmings ft. his wife basically but it’s literally the most beautiful depressing love song and they randomly released it one day so i was crying at the bank after school when it first came out)

- not in the same way (THEIR BEST BRIDGE)

- out of my limit

- gotta get out (the first song they wrote and it fucking slaps dude)

also for some background info: they started out as a pop rock-ish band and luke hemmings is their lead singer, but they all sing and play instruments.

luke hemmings - lead singer, rhythm guitar (but he can also fucking shred because he’s made of angel dust)

calum hood - bass, background vocals mostly (he sings the entirety of wildflower & babylon and has mixed verses here and there throughout all their albums)

michael clifford - lead guitar, background vocals (he also has mixed verses here and there and sings the entirety of emotions)

ashton irwin - drums (and a beast at them) and background vocals (he had verses here and there too but not as common)

if you listen to a song, for example, Teeth, and you pause and think wait, there’s no way that’s the same guy singing because the vocals go so high and they were so deep before, that’s not possible, ITS LUKE!!! HE HAS THE MOST AMAZING RANGE OF ANY MALE ARTIST ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET AND CAN AND WILL SING AS HIGH OR AS LOW AS HE WANTS BECAUSE HE IS AN ICON

and if you wanna get to know their personalities first, carpool karabloke was the first video i watched of them (their australian hence karabloke) and it’s literally just them fucking around in the car listening to their album CALM (side note, that albums is there names —calum, ashton, luke, michael—because if there’s one thing they love, it’s naming an album after themselves. see: 5 seconds of summer, livesos, CALM, 5sos5)

and one more thing, if you listen to them and don’t really fuck with them (you would be wrong, by the way, listen again) then two of their members have solo works!! ashton had two albums: blood on the drums and superbloom, and luke has an album: when facing the things we turn away from (this one i could really talk about for hours because it’s my favorite album of all time) and a long ep called “boy” which is also amazing, so i would check those out

okay sorry i totally just infodumped on you because i have so much 5sos info in my brain and nobody to share it with YAYAYAY so if you ever want like a super in depth breakdown of like one of their music videos or their history feel free to ask me about it because i would loooove to talk about this for hours

also you’ll have to wait a sec for your flower because my sister literally told me she got engaged in the middle of me writing this so i got distracted 😭

[allthefakepeople]

moodswings by 5sos and wilmon s3

(specifically wille)

I can tell by the look in your eyes That you don't wanna fight on a Friday night

how so much of this season was Simon giving up so many things to be with wille while still showing how different their mentalities are. and a lot of their disagreements came from being from such different backgrounds and how wille couldn't stop from disappointing simon in order to make the crown proud.

Living my life, lookin' from the outside

how so often wille feels so much pressure from the environment he grew up in and simultaneously tries to prove he's not the same as them while also beginning to warp into their version of who he should be. I hope you don't mind that I ruined our time

him bringing simon to his birthday because he "needed" him there but then having the huge blowup with his parents

I can tell by the look in your eyes That you just wanna get on a one-way flight

Even though it seemed like the final scene of ep 5 came out of nowhere from wille's perspective, you know there were times when wille probably wondered to himself if simon found all of this worth it. found him to be worth it.

'Cause you don't ever trust this mind of mine You're watching me lie when I say that I'm fine

simon can see what the crown is doing to wille and how it affects him and how much pressure it puts him under but wille continues to insist that it's what he has to do to make his family proud and to live up to expectations.

Without you, I don't even know myself (know myself)

wille feels like he can be his most authentic self with simon, but when you take simon away from the equation wille is such a lost boy.

And I just wanna fuckin' push you away, away (push you away) Without you

how wille started to push simon away and project on to him after he found out about erik (and a few other times as well) because he didn't know how to handle all the thoughts in his own head and how to come to terms with the information he'd learned about erik without completely rearranging everything he *thought* he knew about his brother

I can tell when you're slippin' from me Even when it's only subconsciously

How there were times you could tell that wille could tell simon was disappointed in some new rule that wille had to inform simon of but he still felt like he had to follow the court's orders

I think I need you more than you need me

I do think a part of wille believes that he needs simon more than simon needs him, even if that's the wrong mentality to have. you can tell by the times he tells simon how he's "the only one he can talk to".

I know my mood's been swingin' all day Weaponized words can get in the way Nothin' I say ever comin' out straight When I pull through, hope you feel the same

Bringing back the point about Wille projecting his feelings onto Simon or even going back to the s1 music room argument and Wille's "Dealing is so low" comment even though he was the one to actually take the drugs. also there are times when you can tell wille wants his points to simon to come across differently but he isn't sure how to phrase his words (case and point "i just feel so clumsy sometimes")

I know my mood's been swingin' all day Weaponized words can get in the way Nothin' I say ever comin' out straight (know myself) When I pull through, hope you feel the same I know my mood's been swingin' all day Weaponized words can get in the way (push you away) Nothin' I say ever comin' out straight When I pull through, hope you feel the same

Through bloodshot eyes, the sky is fallin' It kills me when I try to push you away Without you

Even when he does push Simon away, you can still tell it kills him to do so within the time it takes to calm down and start to process his emotions

THOUGHTS?

[ghost-of-you]

we just danced backwards into each other - ch - part 9

Paring: Calum Hood x Original Female Character.

Warnings: Swearing, mildly angsty vibes, implied and referenced sexual activities

Word Count: 6.8k

Authors note: me walking in after over a year like nothing happened, have a chapter 💜

Read it on AO3

Part 8

Masterlist

______

"So Lena did you hear the rumors about you and a certain bassist?" The interviewer asks, and Lena chuckles ducking her head. 

"I've been hearing them since we were teenagers."

"So you got nothing to say, you two seem to be spending a lot of time together recently," she pushes and Lena shrugs, adjusting the headphones. 

"Well, this is the first time in a few years we're in the same place at the same time for a longer period of time, so…"

"So there's nothing there? Oh, she's blushing."

"He's awesome, but we've just been working on some things." 

"You two seem cozy, you sure it's just work?"

"He’s like, my favorite person on the planet, we’ve been friends for over half my life, and with the song coming out and me about to go on the road with 5sos again, we keep ending up in the same place."

"How did the song come to be?"

"I had the idea of it but I also had a feeling there was something missing on it, and Calum heard it and he had ideas and we sat down one night and it just came together," Lena says the rehearsed answer that was just close enough to the truth it didn’t feel like a lie. 

"And him staying in it?"

"I knew that song had to be a duet from the beginning and the song wouldn’t exist without him, so it made sense."

"And it was the first time you did something together right?"

"Yeah, and it's weird considering how long we've known each other and how long we've both been writing, and writing with him was such a great experience, he's so incredibly talented and it was one of the best writing sessions I've ever had."

"And you're still not addressing the dating rumors? 'Cause it's hard to believe nothing is happening after watching that music video."

The music video had ended up being a compilation of them on the studio recording the song, and as much as Lena hated to admit it, the edition really did give a new intensity to the way they looked together.

"I mean, it’s an intense song and we’re really comfortable with each other."  

"You know, 5sos was here earlier in the week, and Calum called you his girl," she says and Lena tilts her head, trying to school her expression. 

"He did?" 

"We were talking about how hard it must be to go on tour with your significant other staying behind, with Michael’s engagement, and Calum said he didn’t have to worry this time because his girl was going with them."

"Hard to follow that one up."

"You did say he’s your favorite person," she points out and Lena shrugs. 

"So he has to follow that one up then."

***

Lena misses Calum. That's not exactly the problem. Missing him has been a constant in her life for years now, it's second nature. The problem is that she just can't seem to find a way to see him. They text. She tries to make plans. Their schedules don't even seem to align enough for her to call. She hasn't seen him since the fight and she is seconds away from just marching into his place and staying there until she can see him. More than once she caught herself looking at plane tickets. At this point, she'll take anything that will end with her finally getting the image of the look on his face when he walked away from her out of her head. 

Not that it matters much what she wants considering the way his schedule seems so unbelievably full lately, she wasn't even sure that being in the same city would mean she would get time with him. 

That’s until she gets the call that they were supposed to make an appearance together. She was happy enough about it to even forget to be annoyed by the whole using their relationship for publicity part of it all. Even if she’s biting her nails as drives over to pick him up from the studio and as she moves through the building in a haze as she feels the magnetic pull of him she suddenly doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore. 

"You ready?" Lena asks, tone too casual for how anxious she’s feeling, leaning against the doorway.

"Almost," Calum nods, before turning to her, holding a piece of black fabric, "you think you could wear this?" He asks, offering it to her, and she takes it, eyeing him curiously, before looking at the sweatshirt in her hands. It’s simple, just saying "Friends of Friends" in the sleeves, a triangle design in the front, and a circle one in the back. 

"Is this about that charity thing you guys are doing?" She asks, handing him the sweatshirt back so she could take her hoodie off.

"You know about it?" He asks as she takes it back and pulls it over her head.

"Yeah, Sylvia talked to me about it earlier, she thought I was gonna freak after the tour meeting, but that’s just cool, I’m so in, I wanna do the Sydney one too if you guys end up needing more people," she shrugs, looking down at herself, "this is pretty, can I keep it?" 

"It’s yours," he says with a smile before moving away from her again to gather his things. 

"Thank you, so we’re matching then?" She chuckles, noticing his hoodie had the same logo as her sleeves.

"Two birds, one stone," he shrugs without looking at her. 

"I like it, it makes me feel better about this."

"About going out with me?"

"About going out to get photographed, I’m already used to rest by now," she amends and he steps closer to her, and the way he’s looking at her suddenly makes her feel shy, "hi," she mumbles, looking up at him and his expression softens as smile creeps up his face.

"Just come here," he pulls her to him, and she sighs as she hides her face on his neck, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Are we okay?"

"We’re okay," he assures her, squeezing her closer to him, "I missed you."

"Yeah," she nods, breathing him in, before stepping back, "we should go through." "Yeah," he agrees offering her his hand, "let’s go."

________

"I have nothing to worry about, right?" A high-pitched voice comes from behind Lena as she leans against the bar, making her head snap back to the source, finding Hayley staring her down.

"Nothing happened while you were together," Lena steps back, fighting the urge to add nothing happened at all, looking around herself, trying to find a way to get out before the situation escalated because she’s definitely too drunk to handle whatever is about to unfold.

"He broke up with me because of you," she's staring Lena down and she continues to step back.

"You made him choose, whatever went down after it's not on me," she defends herself but the other girl shakes her head, staring at her in disbelief.

"You’re all over him now and I’m supposed to believe that you didn't tell him—" Hayley continues and Lena shakes her head, trying to talk over her, still moving backward.

"I didn't—"

"Hayles, that's enough," Lena as she hits something at the same time a familiar voice came from behind her, and she turns to Ashton, at the same time he steps forward, seeming like he wants to put himself between the two women, "don’t make a scene."

"I’m not making a scene, I need to know," Hayley says and Ashton steps in front of Lena.

"That’s between you and Calum, leave her out of it."

"But he dumped me because of her."

"You made him choose, it is not my fault you don't like the choice he made," Lena says, leaning to the side, and Ashton turns to her, very clearly saying you’re not helping. "Lena."

"I’m sorry, okay, but I didn’t tell him to do anything, and they were broken up for weeks before we even talked about it."

"That’s not the point," Hayley complains and Lena rolls her eyes.

"What is it then?"

"He—"

"Cal’s a big boy, he can decide stuff really well without consulting with me first."

"Lena," Ashton chastises again and she pouts at him.

"She started it."

"How about you end it?" He says, calling someone over while she continues to pout at him. 

"Come on, Le," Andy’s voice comes from behind her, arm going around her waist and tugging her with him before she can fight him on it.

Lena was extremely aware there was no hiding the purple marks on her neck and cleavage. At least not with anything she had handy. She hated turtlenecks so she didn’t pack one and she didn’t expect anyone to knock on her door so the shirt she had on was doing nothing to hide them. If she decided to be honest with herself, she put the tank top on because the hickeys were proof it had actually happened. That Calum’s lips had been all over her body. But as Andy walked into her room she wished she had something other than her hair to hide them. She didn’t want to talk about it. 

"You are not gonna believe-" he started, sounding excited before stopping in his tracks, doing a double take on her, looking her up and down while stepping closer to her, "is that?" He trailed off, moving her hair away while starting to laugh, "Jesus, who did you fuck? A vampire?" 

"Hilarious," she rolled her eyes, but her cheeks were starting to heat up as she moved her hands to her neck in a pointless attempt to hide the bruises from his eyes.

"Wait, weren't you hanging with Hood last night?" He frowned at her, looking confused, and she nodded.

"Yeah," she mumbled, ducking her head to try and hide the undeniable flush on her face from him.

"Did you go out? How did you?" He asked, and she cringed as his eyes widened at her, face changing from confusion to realization as his jaw dropped, "holy shit, he did that?"

"Yeah," she sighed, dropping into the bed.

"Are you together now?" He asked, clearly not understanding how she was acting.

"Nope," she said, staring at the ceiling and he sat down next to her.

"Can you give me answers with more than one word in them?" His tone was laced with sarcasm and that made her laugh, sitting up so she could look at him.

"No vampires involved, we just hooked up, we are not together," she explained and he stared at her, looking skeptical.

"You ‘just hooked up’," he air-quoted her, making her groan, "with the guy you’ve been in love with since you were a child?"

"I did, yeah," she nodded and he gave her a disbelief look.

"You can't just hook up with someone you've been in love with since you were a child."

"Why not?" she said, pressing her lips together.

"Le, please tell me you’re not this stupid."

"What?""You fucked him. No strings attached?" He asked, still looking at her like she was crazy.

"It’s not a big deal."

"Lena." 

"Stop looking at me like that, I knew what I was doing, and trust me, it was so worth it," she chuckled and the disbelief in his eyes changed to worry. "What now?"

"It’s just, he’s gonna hurt you, Le."

"You can’t possibly know that." 

"Oh, I can, and I don’t wanna see you hurt over some dude that's not all the way in," Andy said and Lena groaned.

"He’s not some dude, and besides—"

"Oh, he’s not, that's why I’m worried," he said over her.

"—Calum would never hurt me."

"Just stay here, okay? Don't move," Andy says, handing her a water bottle and she mock-salutes him, giggling while she nods.

"Yes, sir," she says, making him shake his head, a smile on his face, before moving out the door, closing it behind himself leaving her alone. 

The world is spinning a bit as Lena looks around the dressing room trying to figure out how to distract herself since he took her phone, trying to remember if she brought the book she was reading while looking for her backpack, spotting it on a corner and moving to sit on the floor next to it.

She's lost in thoughts flipping through the notepad she keeps in the front pocket, so she doesn't hear when the door opens and closes and the footsteps approaching her.

"Lena?" Calum's voice comes from behind her and she throws her head back to look up at him.

"Hey, baby!" She greets, dragging the words, her head following his movement as he sits next to her.

"Why are you on the floor?" He asks, as she turns to him and she shrugs.

"Got bored on the couch, Andy said to stay here, so I'm staying," she says, throwing the notepad back into the backpack.

"Are you okay?" He's watching her carefully and she sighs.

"I'm fine," she says, voice sounding slurry, "I'm just drunk," she giggles, running a hand through her hair, twisting a strand between her fingers, before she drops her hands to her lap, "I shouldn't have drink this much, the room is spinning," she giggles, making a spinning motion with her hands.

"What happened? Ash told me to come find you." 

"Your ex thinks I made you break up with her, and I don't have a defense, because you did break up with her because I ran," she looks up at him, biting her bottom lip and letting out a chuckle, "but I actually send you back to her and that's making me think about Tay," she presses her lips together and he frowns at her.

"Why is my ex making you think of yours?" Calum asks and she ducks her head.

"That's right, I didn't tell you," she says, fidgeting with her bracelet, staring at her knees so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"Tell me what?" 

"She broke up with me because of you," she mumbles, scratching her forehead, still avoiding his eyes while she feels them studying her.

"What?" He asks, voice soft and confused and she sighs, glancing at him

"I mean, I was already on thin ice when it came to you then she accused me of prioritizing you and then said I had to choose," she explains, pressing her lips together, sitting up straighter, "I don't do ultimatums," she shrugs and his expression softens.

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Because she was right, I would choose you if it came down to it and that wasn't fair so, it was the right thing to do," she shrugs, picking at the hem of her skirt, "and I didn't want to bring up my feelings, we both know that goes," she chuckles, watching his face.

"I'm sorry," he says, tilting his head, brown eyes looking so warm she wants to lose herself in them.

"It's not your fault," she chuckles, leaning her elbow on her knee, and propping her chin on her hand.

"It kinda is," he says, moving a piece of her hair away from her face and she shrugs noncommittally, "What happened that made her think that? We had kissed once when you were together, it was not like—"

"You called me," she interrupts him and he raises an eyebrow at her.

"I need a lot more words."

"You remember that one time you were back home and I drove up to see you for a few days?" She asks and he nods.

"Yeah."

"Well, she didn't like that, not that I blame her, and I don't think she believed me when I said that it wasn't like that with us and, well, she was already on edge about you and I was with her and you called, actually you texted asking if I could talk and called before I could answer, so I left so I could talk to you, that led to a huge fight and we broke up."

"Why did you leave?"

"I got worried, you didn’t call unless we set something up, you know, international rockstar, full-time student," she shrugs, pointing between them, "different time zones, it was hard to line shit up, so I had to answer, and we talked for like, half an hour, you clearly needed me. I don't even remember what you and I talked about, all I remember is how much she yelled at me over it and thinking that if we were at that point, there was no going back, you know?"

"That’s—" Calum tries but trails off and she presses her lips together. "Like I said, she was right, I just hadn’t realized how right until she pointed it out, I thought I was—" Lena cuts herself and he frowns at her.

"What?" He asks and she sighs.

"That was the deal, right? it didn’t happen, move on, lapse of judgment, yay friendship and all that."

"I think we are past that, love."

"We weren’t thought, and I didn’t want to explain it to you and have you freak out again, and then too much time had passed, no point in bringing it up," she says, chewing on her bottom lip while Calum studies her face. 

"Did you think about choosing me?" She asks suddenly, making him frown. She isn't sure she wants the answer but she'd been dying to ask.

"What?"

"When she said she didn't want you around me, did you think about choosing me?" She explains, watching him carefully as he understands what she wants to know, and waiting as he seems to contemplate her question, lips twisting as he thinks.

"I did," he finally says, holding her gaze and she nods. 

"Okay."

"Okay? You don't wanna know more?" He chuckles a bit awkwardly, and she shakes her head.

"There's more to know? You chose her," she shrugs, and his expression drops.

"Lena," he starts, but she shakes her head, one hand reaching for his cheek, gently stroking it.

"It's okay, I'm not trying to start something, I was just curious," she says, dropping her hand, patting his knee, and smiling when he takes her hand, "I think it's funny, by convincing herself that there's was still something between us, she kickstarted this whole thing, she handed you over," she chuckles and he gives her an unimpressed look, but she can tell he's holding back a grin.

"You know I can think for myself, right?" He asks and she nods.

"But if I hadn't left, well," she motions dramatically around herself, nearly knocking the water bottle by her side, "It's no wonder we're this dysfunctional now, we’re quite a pair, you shut down, I run away," she picks the bottle up, sipping on it, "but I don't like running from you," she adds, pursing her lips and he chuckles softly.

"You sure you don't like it? 'cause you do it a lot," Calum teases and she shrugs, scrunching her nose.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get all deep and personal," she says, standing up and moving back to the couch, Calum sitting beside her, throwing his arm on the rest behind her.

"You can talk to me," he says, looking at her and she sighs.

"I don't wanna start a fight or make you feel bad."

"You keeping things from me doesn't help our situation either," he says and she raises an eyebrow at him.

"It goes both ways, babe, don't act like you tell me everything."

"What do you wanna know?"

"I don't know, what do I wanna know?" 

"How should I know?" Calum laughs and she rolls her eyes.

"You don’t make it easy for me."

"Exactly," he nods making her laugh. 

"Wait, did—actually never mind."

"What is it?"

"I don't wanna know."

"You sure?"

"I mean, I probably am not gonna remember this in the morning anyway." 

"Then ask," Calum says and she looks at him for a few seconds before talking. 

"Did you ever wish you stopped?"

"Stopped what?"

"That first time, you said we were about to cross a line and I asked if you wanted to stop, did you ever wish you said yes?"

"What? No," Calum shakes his head, sitting up straighter, "Did you?"

"Nah, I think it was bound to happen eventually anyway, I was just wondering if you ever regretted it."

"I only regret how I insisted it didn't change anything, I could never regret us," he says, sounding serious enough and Lena tilts her head to the side, studying his face.

"Why did you?"

"Admitting it would make it real, I don't think I was ready for that," he says and she sighs.

"You weren't, I knew that and I did it anyway 'cause I wanted to know what it would be like, and sometimes I wonder if I pushed you, 'cause like I was half-naked on top of you, I didn't exactly make it easy for you to walk away if you wanted and, well, it was good so it kept happening and I knew it was gonna blow up in our faces but you made it so easy to pretend that you actually wanted to be with me and—"

"You didn't push me, believe me I wasn't pretending to want you," he interrupts her and she nods.

"You just didn't feel the way I do."

"The way you do?"

"I don’t think I know how to not be in love with you."

"Do you regret it?" He asks and she actually stops to think about it for a few seconds. 

"I don't like how things ended, I hate it actually, but I don't regret it happening."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, it makes for great writing material," she jokes and he chuckles.

"That’s fair," Calum says and she leans her head back against the arm he has behind her on the rest.

"You’re really pretty," she mumbles, almost thinking out loud, because he looks good, he always looks good, but that makes him laugh.

"I thought you were mad I shaved my head," he says, running a hand across his head and she pouts.

"Don't remind me, but you’re always pretty, it’s a problem."

"You’re really drunk aren’t you?" He sounds so unbelievably fond as he smiles at her, it's hard for her not to melt further into him.

"I told you that when you came in, I’m a very self-conscious drunk."

"You just have no filter."

"I know, why do you think I was so careful with how much I used to drink around you back when we were on tour?" "What do you mean?"

"You really need me to say that I spent the whole time we were hooking up stopping myself from blurting out my feelings?" 

"That bad?"

"Oh yeah, honey," Lena giggles and Calum's face goes serious all of a sudden.

"I get the feeling."

"No, you don’t," she shakes her head and he raises an eyebrow at her, looking unimpressed.

"You remember this one party, you were wearing that blue dress."

The rational side of Lena's brain knew she didn't have any right to be jealous. But her rational side had no control over her anymore. There she was in the stupid dress she only bought because Calum liked it watching some random girl flirting with him so blatantly it made Lena roll her eyes. The way the blonde was running her hands up and down his arms or twirling her hair between her fingers as she talked to him and the way he was clearly enjoying it made her blood boil. 

And the worst part is that she knew it was irrational. She couldn't demand anything. "Friends. Just friends. No matter what happened. Or how frequently. Friends. Just friends." She kept repeating it to herself like a mantra, trying to stop herself from getting worked up, clutching a beer bottle so tightly that on any other occasion, she'd be worried it would break. Until she had enough. She looked hot, the navy blue dress, a bit shorter than what she would usually go for stopping barely at her mid-thigh, hugged every curve of her body perfectly. She felt good after she finished getting ready and she wasn't about to let Calum and the complete lack of reaction on his part ruin her night. 

So she ditched her bottle, walked to the dance floor, and moved to the beat, trying to think only about the rhythm and it was not long until someone approached her, some guy she was definitely not interested in, but who was cute enough for her to entertain while he danced closer to her.

"Lena, come with me," Calum's voice came suddenly from beside her, and he grabbed her hand, dragging her along with him, barely giving her enough time to murmur an excuse me before she was being dragged away.

"What are you doing?" Lena complained, following him as he moved them through the people and up the stairs and suddenly he was pushing a door open, dragging her inside it and locking the door of the bathroom they had just entered.

"What I'm doing? What were you doing?" He asked, giving her an unimpressed look and she huffed, moving away from him.

"I was dancing?" She rolled her eyes, leaning against the wall and he shook his head.

"You call that dancing?" He asked, moving closer to her and she raised an eyebrow at him, pushing herself off the wall.

"What? Are you jealous? Was blondie not as interesting as you hoped?" She mocked, looking up at him and mimicking the way the girl had been twirling the ends of her hair at him, making him groan in frustration.

"Very mature."

"What? You can hit on a random girl all night but the second I start dancing with someone you go all caveman on me?" She asked, staring him down.

"I wasn't hitting on her," he denied and she huffed again.

"Sure you weren't," she said, crossing her arms in front of her chest and he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Are you jealous?" He asked, a smirk starting to form in the corner of his lips and she groaned, shaking her head.

"Of course not, you can hit on whoever the fuck you want," she scoffed, moving around him to get to the door, "but you don't get to be mad if I do the same," she challenged, voice coming out louder than she expected as she stopped by the door, "I sure as fuck wasn't about to waste the effort I put into this stupid outfit just watching some girl pawing all over you," Lena mumbled, unlocking the door, but Calum reached around her, locking it again, her breath hitching when she turned to look at him.

"We're talking here, love, you're not walking out," he said, leaning an arm behind her, trapping her between him and the door.

"I was flirting, you were flirting, what's more to talk about?" She asked, looking up at him, trying to ignore all the effects having him this close had on her body.

"You're this worked up, so there's definitely something to talk about." He was pressing closer to her, and she wasn't sure if he was doing it on purpose but it was getting harder to ignore how turned on she was at that moment.

"You drag me into a bathroom in the middle of a party and I'm the one who's worked up?" She raised an eyebrow at him and he shook his head.

"That's beside the point."

"What is the point exactly? Besides annoying me?"

"Why are you annoyed?"

"Because you're really annoying when you want to be, sweetheart," she complained with a sigh, leaning more heavily against the door.

"Are you sure you're not just jealous?"

"I'm not the one who dragged you away from someone," she said, tracing her hand over his arm. 

"You're in the shortest dress you could find and you want me to watch you with some dude?" His fingers danced across the rem of her skirt, lightly brushing her thighs.

"Blondie was keeping you busy," she shrugged, ducking under his arm to step out of where he had her pinned, and he followed her movements, watching as she smoothed her hands over the dress, before groaning up to the ceiling and running her hands through her hair, directing all of it to her back, and his eyes darkened scanning her body and she had to fight back a smirk, "didn't think you would mind if I let someone else get a taste."

"You wouldn't," he shook his head, moving closer to her.

"I wouldn't what?"

"Let someone else get a taste, you put this dress on for me, we both know it," he explained, stopping just inches away from her, fingers tracing along the thin straps over her shoulder.

"Well, you were busy," she shrugged, "and I was bored," moving around him again, but he grabbed her arm, stopping her from moving too far.

"God, you're so," he started, pupils blown wide, the way he was looking at her sending chills up her spine.

"I'm what?" She challenged, looking up at him, pulling her arm from his hold, but stepping closer to him, hands reaching to fix the collar of his jacket, smoothing her hands over his shoulder, watching as his gaze dropped to her lips, "look, baby, if you want something you just gotta—" she started, trailing her fingers down his biceps, but she didn't get to finish her thought before he let out a groan and crashed his lips to hers, his hands gripping her waist to pull her closer to him at the same time he moved her backward, pinning her against the wall, his tongue exploring her mouth as his hands seemed determined to touch every inch of her body and she was matching his energy, pulling at his hair, nibbling on his lips, letting her hands dip under the collar of his shirt to drag her nails along his neck. 

"Vividly," she offers with a giggle before he can finish his thought, and he raises an eyebrow at her, a smirk on his lips that makes her roll her eyes, "get your mind out the gutter, Hood, you really think I would forget the only time you were jealous of me?"

"That wasn't the only," he starts, but stops himself, making her eye him curiously.

"Are you admitting you were jealous?" 

"You're the one who was jealous," he retorts and she laughs.

"Of course I was, insecure was my default setting." 

"Do you still have that dress?" 

"I think it's somewhere in my closet, but the dress is not the point you're trying to make here, is it? Attraction was never our issue."

"We talked after," Calum says and she nods.

"Yeah, we established we were only sleeping with each other, something I thought was counterproductive ‘cause when would we be finding other people? We were together all the time, we always ended up in the same hotel room and you kept trying to sneak me into your bunk."

"Getting you on our bus was less hassle than me staying on yours."

"'cause I wasn't the flight risk, which is ironic now."

"And I sleep better with you," he shrugs and she narrows her eyes at him.

"Sleep, sure."

"You make it sound like sex was all we did."

"It did happen a lot." "But it wasn't just sex, it never was," he argues, moving so he can face her properly and she shakes her head, looking away from him.

"We’re getting deep and personal again." "We need to talk about it." "But it's done, Cal, we can't change that, it is what it is, and it was what it was, and it was just sex," she says, looking back at him but he shakes his head. 

"But it wasn't, that party, you had this smile on your face and you were wearing my jacket and I kept thinking about how easy it could be, to just be yours, it was why I told you there was no one else because I didn't want anyone else."

"Love?" Calum's voice was soft as his fingers gently combed through her hair, slotting himself between her legs again, and she hummed in acknowledgment, still trying to catch her breath, "still with me?" He checked and she opened her eyes, finding him studying her carefully.

"I just need a minute, that was," she paused, trying to think of the right word, "fuck, that was intense," she giggled, leaning against his touch when his hand moved to her cheek, and he chuckled.

"Intense?" He raised an eyebrow at her and she rolled her eyes.

"You really need me to stroke your ego right now? Is the state I'm in not enough?" She motioned vaguely to herself and he took her hands, stepping back, pursing his lips as he made a dramatic show of scanning her that made her giggle.

"You do look wrecked," he agreed, stepping back closer to her, placing her hands on his shoulders, and dropping his to her thighs.

"Great, it's not like I need to walk out of here looking presentable," she laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck, "is it really that bad?"

"Well, now that you stopped panting," he joked and she playfully slapped his chest.

"Fuck you," she pouted and he smirked at her.

"We already did that," he laughed, making her groan.

"Oh my god," she rolled her eyes, but she couldn't help but smile as he leaned down, giving her lips a quick peck.

"It's not that bad," he said, smoothing his hands over her hair, making her laugh, before cupping her cheeks and kissing her, more gently than he had all night, making her stomach flip as she melted into him.

"Great," she giggled, taking his hands, "help me down," she asked and he stepped back as she jumped off the counter, steadying her when she stood straight before she let go of his hands, turning to the mirror behind her. It definitely wasn't as bad as she expected, her makeup was still in place and her hair was fixable, the only big problem was the marks on her collarbone that were already turning purple, "really?" She complained, glancing at him while her fingers traced the marks and he chuckled.

"Is not my fault you bruise this easily," he said, sheepishly, and she leaned forward to get closer to the mirror, wiping the corner of her eyes and combing her fingers through her hair, smoothing it around her head and directing it forward trying to cover the hickeys without seeming too obvious and she could feel him watching her.

"I think that if we don't stay much longer I can get away without anyone thinking I was fucked in the bathroom," she joked, smoothing her dress, and turning to him, "what do you think?" 

"I think you're right," he agreed, stepping closer to her and she smiled up at him, "but still," he shrugged his jacket off, and placed it around her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said, pulling her arms through the sleeves, and folding them up so she could use her hands.

"Lena," he started and she looked up at him.

"Yeah?" 

"I haven't slept with anyone else either," he scratched the back of his neck, "since we started doing this," he adjusted the collar of the jacket for her while she studied his face. He looked almost nervous and that made her stomach flip, a smile fighting its way to her face, as his hands moved her hair, "I just thought I should mention it… since we were fighting and you said I wouldn't mind if you got with someone else and I—" he mumbled, his fingers twisting the ends of her hair and she cut him.

"Sweetheart, I'm not planning on sleeping with anyone else," she said, fighting the urge to add fuck, say you want to be with me for real I'll never look at anyone else again because it wasn't like she had any interest in being with someone else. Not if she could be with him. 

"Great, I wouldn't… I wasn't either," he said, face softening and she smiled up at him.

"Okay," she nodded, standing on her tiptoes, cupping his cheeks and kissing him, his hands resting on her waist, "we really should get out of here though," she giggles, nodding her head to the door.

"In a minute," he said, leaning in to kiss her again, her arms wrapping around his neck while his hands pulled her closer, "you wanna go back to the hotel now?" 

"Let's go," she nodded, pulling away from him. He looked like he wanted to say something else and she eyed him curiously but he seemed to decide against it, taking her hand and unlocking the door.

"I hate that I actually convinced you that it was just about the sex for me, there was always this moment, right before we fell asleep, that I would pull you closer and you would make this happy little sound and settle against me, and for a while, nothing else mattered, not shitty interviews or bad reviews or how fucking exhausting that tour was."

"I had had that thought before," she mumbles, chewing on her bottom lip and he frowns at her. 

"What thought?"

"I had wondered if you were only with me because I was there, proximity, familiarity, whatever, it's why I believed you, I had thought about it, you just confirmed it," she explains, watching his face turn to something close to devastation before sighing and adding, "and for me, it was the mornings when you were still half asleep pulling me back when I tried to move, and for a few seconds I could let myself pretend you loved me."

"I did," he starts but stops, shaking his head as he does, like that wasn't what he wants to say, and taking a deep breath, "I do love you, Lena," he finally says, firmly, gaze locked on hers, but she must've look unconvinced, because he adds, "me being an idiot doesn't change how I feel. I was scared because it was you and you were my best friend and things were so easy but they were also so fragile and I didn't want to be the one that got left, so I just gave up."

"Why are you telling me this?" Lena asks, and he gives her a sad smile, running his knuckles along her jaw.

"Because you won't remember it in the morning."

"And if I do?"

"It will still be true, and you will have listened to it without slamming a door in my face."

"I only tried to slam a door in your face once," she complains and he chuckles, but his face is serious again after a few seconds.

"Do you believe me?" 

"I don't know, this is hard, you know? With everything that happened, I… I don't know what to think, and you stopped saying it," she tries to explain but that just makes Calum frown.

"Saying what?" 

"That you loved me. When we started sleeping together, you stopped saying it."

"Because—"

"Because it would mean more than it did before it all happened, I know," she interrupts, dropping her hand to his knee when he continues to frown, "it's why I stopped saying it too. You do understand how this is for me, right? You loved me, but not enough to fight for me, I didn't hear that for years and then you dropped that on me after I left you on a literal storm and I don't know if this is about me—"

"Or me just wanting you to be there, I get it, if you start thinking about it, you circle back to what I said," he nods, pressing his lips together and she sighs.

"Yeah." 

"That's what freaked you out that day." 

It's not a question, but she nods anything, and that just makes him look sad.

"You want me to go find Andy for you?" He offers, and it takes her by surprise.

"No."

"You want me to leave?"

"No." 

"What do you want?"

"I'm too drunk to trust my own judgment," she says, leaning into him, reaching for his arm on the seat behind her and placing it around her shoulders, making him chuckle and pull her closer to him. She adjusts against him, placing her legs across his lap, hiding her face on his neck, and letting out a sigh as she breathes him in and he rests his other arm on her knees.

"Cal?" She mumbles as she closes her eyes, enjoying the feeling of his skin under her cheek, and he hums in acknowledgment, wrapping his arms around her, "don't give up on me just yet," she says, her lips grazing his neck, and his arms tighten around her.

"Not planning on it, love."

[edge-oftheworld]

13 fave Christmas songs?

anon I’m not gonna lie to you I’m not the biggest fan of Christmas in general. it reminds me a lot of the commercialised and the colonial, oppressive side of Christianity and I find it hard to get into the spirit when neither of these things have been reconciled and the damage they’ve done to the planet and oppressed people hasn’t been resolved.

that said there are a few that hit well for me. I’m not sure I’ll make it to 13, but in no particular order:

Christmas must be something more by taylor swift. I just find it super cute the way she’s like ‘here’s to the baby boy that saved our lives’ like obv everyone is entitled to their own beliefs around Christmas and the holidays, but I appreciate the sentiment behind this song

do they know it’s christmas (feed the world) by band aid (which isn’t a real band, I can’t remember the full lineup but I’m thinking of the 1984 original with boy george etc.) I know it does have some problematic implications with the image it presents of africa, however, when I see it as what it is (a fundraising song trying to break us out of our feel-good bubbles and capture the heart of sharing from our plenty when we’re the ones who happen to have that privilege) it’s a lot more meaningful than a bunch of carols

dtkic (2014). the one where one direction sang a part and so did chris martin, to raise money for ebola. ik it’s kinda a cop out to put the same song twice but they changed it to make it a little bit less politically incorrect, and I’m putting it here to call on directioners who can tell, to tell me exactly which 1D members sang what. also, how cool would it be if we did a new one in 2024 to raise money for palestine and ukraine? (do I want 5sos to sing it? of course)

angels we have heard on high (I think that’s what it’s called). the one with the Gloria in exelsis deo. the modern version. I played it on viola once for a church event and it was fun

silent night. love how melodic this is

o holy night. I love the themes of the slave being our brother, freedom for the oppressed etc. To me that’s what Christmas is about.

taylors last christmas

colin buchanan’s parody of jingle bells, called jesus saves. it’s a bit corny and does present a more simplified evangelical penal substitution version of Christianity/the gospel (aka the one where it requires telling you you’re sinful) but it’s not super dark and it’s kinda fun and I appreciate it way more as an adult than I did as a kid

this one isn’t really a Christmas song but it captures the holiday season in Australia really well and how I grew up celebrating Christmas. Aussie BBQ by eric bogle. I’d encourage anyone who either wants to see their culture represented or wants to realise that the whole world isn’t the northern hemisphere to give it a listen. It’s hilarious as anything and has the best lyrics and little references. I prefer the Goanna Gang cover to the original, it’s got a couple lyric changes to be less problematic and they generally did it really well musically. It’s available on streaming services I’m pretty sure, but I’m not sure if only in Australia. dm me if you want the mp3 though I can post it

I’ll add something that’s not a Christmas song at all but has themes of going to see family: the road to gundagai. It’s a traditional Australian song or something, can’t remember the original, but there’s a cool parody of the main lyrics as well as the original on the goanna gang version. I might have to post that one because the parody verse starts with ‘there’s an old fashioned Ford made of rubber tin and cord’ and I can’t find the version I have on CD anywhere else

come thou long expected jesus

mum by luke hemmings (yeah I’m joining in the trend in this fandom to make this our de facto christmas song just because it contains the words ‘I’ll be home December morning). but anyway I love the themes of this song, and though it’s written to a parent it can also be applicable to a relationship with God, and reconciling that, which is a big part of Christmas to me. The ‘I’m so heavy, jump into my ocean, can’t you see me sinking?’ calling out to the person (or deity, if you’re me) who takes care of you to come and witness you, mirrors really well the ‘call’ of the people that Christmas was meant to be an answer to. which is still the call of the people in the land where Jesus was born especially today. so

tis the damn season by taylor swift

[calumhoodgoss]

Girlie HIIII!!!!!!!

I’ve been well 💓 I’m glad you’re feeling better and back to posting!!

Tbf, I think I made the mullet call off a very grainy photo and it ended up being more bowl cut/lego cut BUT that man truly looks good with any haircut so I’m still frothing over it 🥵 the affinity has to be genetic 100%, like i found mullet Ash 1000000000 times more attractive than non-mullet Ash (he’s cute but he’s not my type, yk? but put a mullet on a man… then he becomes my type 👀). bitch I just love a good mullet.

Also YES!!!! to the dusty cut 🥵🥵🥵 (I follow footy, all of them 🤭 and I so get it, it does things to me too 👀)

ngl I also don’t really remember what was said politically, but I’ll leave it at this we’re wayyy more screwed if that bald dickhead gets elected next year (I hate him with a passion, if you can’t tell).

On to more thirst and fun things, buzz cut Luke smoking though 🥵🥵🥵 that video took me out, I had to actually lie down. I’m so excited for new music and new break up music. We been knew, like the Nashville trip made it obvious and it’s not like he didn’t talk about getting together with the guys to write and record but the TikTok weirdly makes it more official? Idk

Also I’m obsessed with Dirk and Blonde Dirk, like if you ever wanted to know my type… it’s that but with a mullet 🤭

Okay my Spotify Wrapped actually surprised me a lil. I had the 5sos not being my top artist last year. This year I had:

1. 5sos

2. Luke

3. Sabrina Carpenter (short n sweet was my personality for like a whole month, bed chem is such a bop)

4. Ashton

5. Ariana Grande???? This one was the big surprise for me, like I feel like I didn’t listen to her at all…

But unsurprisingly Wildflower was my top song (I listened to it 169 times in one day which I fear is very fitting ✌🏻)

xoxo ⚡️ lighter anon ⚡️💋

HAHA LEGO MAN HAIR IS SO REAL when my bf gets that haircut i call it 'man haircut'. like what did you even ask for?? just give me a man haircut??? its not even a bad haircut its just so plain like its not even basic like short back and sides, its just stock? like how the fuck did you get default hair bro what HAHA

yep a mullet makes any man 10000% more hot (even ashton who also isnt my vibe i feel youu)

holy fuck actually LUKE with a dusty would be elite. i think he might be the only one that could pull it off better than cal probably could 🫢🫣🫢🫣 id die. on the topic of luke though WHAT SMOKING VID?!?! the way im running to tiktok rn bitch i need to see that. unpopular opinion but smoking is so hot 🤫🤭 like yeah, totally disgusting, but also soo hot yummy delicious

the dirks hahahaha i love that for you, a fantasy manifest (even if only for a minute long video🥲)

wildflower 169 times in one day is god tier listening HAHA ICONIC I LOVE

i swear theres always at least one artist or song thats a total shock in every wrapped. some how i didnt get any full surprises this year? i had:

1) beabadoobee

2) radiohead (this one is my glimer of hope that if i ever met cal wed have something to talk about cause hes also super into radiohead but i bet he likes their way cooler experimental stuff that i dont have the palette to listen to 🥲)

3) billie holiday

4) the sundays (surprised they werent number 1 or 2 since 4 out of 5 of my top songs this year were sundays songs but ok spotify ??)

5) luke

i honestly think i listened to so much 5sos last year that now their discography feels ranthrough 😅. this was also the first year the strokes havent been in my top artists which was a bit of a surprise

love u girl 🫶🫶🫶🫶

EDIT: i can not find loke smoking vid I REPEAT I CAN NOT FIND IT lord help me

[ruminate88]

I Never Knew:

Forgiving myself because I never knew:

Didn’t know just because I grew up in church and was told God loves and forgives everyone, doesn’t mean you have to “people please” or allow others to mistreat you. You can still love and forgive but from a safe distance AND you don’t have to trust them anymore.

I never knew ANYTHING about manipulating or emotional abuse. I heard of manipulation growing up as this dark thing but NEVER understood it. I was not prepared for it. Never heard of “gaslighting” and I did hear the word “narcissist” before but never understood it.

I NEVER knew about “betrayal trauma”. I knew people could lie and I even knew people could use fake photos online. (Even before the show catfish came out, I knew such a thing existed.) BUT because I was able to FaceTime Andrew and see he’s the guy in the photos, I trusted him… What was there for him to lie about? Everything he told me seemingly checked out on his Facebook and Instagram. Never knew he could still hide his identity and intentions. Since knowing now, I watch the show catfish still but it makes me tense and sad. The show is more real to me now!! 😣

I NEVER knew people could say things to you but have “undertones”. For example, when Andrew was with me during a suicide attack and said to me, “You don’t wanna be like that. You should want better for you life.” Rather than truly caring about my mental health and wanting good for me, he actually was putting me down. I see it so clearly now where as before, there was so much fog and confusion surrounding him, how could I see anything clear???

I Knew Andrew appeared “young” and “innocent” but NEVER knew it was becuase he’s “emotionally immature.” Probably stunted as a child. When I remember back on his outrageous response to me finding his mom’s Facebook, there’s CLEARLY issues there. Why was he so upset when I found his mom if the relationship was good??? I mean, he threatened me NOT to add her as a friend and said he was “not ready for all that” then he isolated me hours till I apologized and then he “forgave me” but begged me not to talk to his mom…. OBVIOUS issues there… 💔🥺

I never knew he couldn’t take accountability or break up with me because he’s not mature, empathetic and he had me in trauma bond!! The reason he had a robotic reaction when I did the breaking up was because it’s a coping mechanism for him. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 He can’t show emotions because most men find that “weak” and plus he doesn’t wanna be the bad guy.” That’s why they make the relationship so miserable so you’ll do the breaking up instead. 😓 (then they can put it back on you and blame you)

I never knew when he quickly was with a new girl and posting her all over his socials, that A. He’s in a rebound for new supply cuz he can’t be alone or without validation and B. He needed to make me jealous. (I was but I didn’t understand that he would treat her as bad as he treated me) he could’ve been making other girls jealous too… 😭 Also, his attempts to call and FaceTime me afterwards but not say anything only listen to my voice, was probably just to manipulate me some more, upset me and keep me in trauma bond. 💔 He didn’t want me to move on even though he had. Sorta. It’s still so hard to wrap my head around it all.

I never knew that years later I would still be heartbroken aka “grieving, “angry”, “sad”, “exhausted”, “sick all the time” and “disconnected from loved ones”. No one could prepare me for allllllll this very long and difficult healing journey. NOW THAT I know and understand more, I’m moving forward with more clarity and truth. I know more now than I did 6 months ago. Excited for what I learn in the next 6!! (God willing) Not just healing from Andrew but Cody and Jake and other childhood things.

ONE DAY AT A TiME ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

[lover-of-mine]

hi yes you aren't just a gifmaker to me. ive listened to take my hand because of you! question: what are your fav buddiecoded 5sos songs? i wanna listen to them and develop a new band obsession

I'm happy you've listened to take my hand because of my edits!!!!! I've been preparing my whole life for this question mspaksoakaokapakaoa

I'm actually gonna start this list with a 5sos adjacent song, the lead singer, Luke Hemmings, he has a solo album (incredible album, it's called when facing the things we turn away from, maybe check it out if you feel like it) but he has a song called slip away that I can't hear without thinking about buddie, I even made a video (you can watch it here if you want).

Invisible is the most pre 118 Buck song ever and I take no criticism about that. That one has a set because I didn't feel emotionally stable enough to make the video lol. And TEARS! is very Eddie coded (here's the video lol). High is also really Buck coded. (Edit)

I like making castaway, if you don't know and moodswings about the cemetery and the lawsuit, the moments where we question how we can keep watching buddie breakup if they're not even together. If you don't know is not available in the us tho, so if you're from there you may not be able to hear it. I like picturing established buddie to disconnected so that's another one. I also have video edits of caramel, and lover of mine, those are a bit about me really liking the song (lover of mine is why my url is what it is lol) and forcing it to fit but they are really good songs.

Some blanket recommendations that I take out of context to fit them are: ghost of you, talk fast, close as strangers, story of another us, you don't go to parties (there's a line about a couch lol) and lonely heart. And I am legally required to recommend jet black heart to anyone asking about 5sos. And outerspace/carry on. And my personal favorite 5sos songs are airplanes, red line and wrapped around your finger (I am writing a whole buddie fic based on wrapped so maybe you can make it about them kspakapakap)

And I have a tag for 5sos inspired edits. I'm pretty sure all the songs I've used in an edit before are here tho. (I went to check and that's a lie: other songs I have used for 911 are: emotions (this one is very Eddie coded), bad omens (highkey one of the best 5sos songs), kill my time, not in the same way, vapor, tomorrow never dies, thin white lies, take what you want and bleach, but these are mostly out of context lines I think would fit them)

[leolingo]

🍓, 🛼, ❄️, 🦴

buenas tardes!! i leave these for the ask game. I am such a fan of your writing<333 I hope you have a very wonderful day, besos abrazooos 🫂

sincerly, pm-00, formerly cubitoscubeando

HELLOOOOOOOOO omg i was hoping someone would ask about the inspiration one thank you so much! also i just noticed today that you changed your url lol i clicked on the blog like wait-- OH!

🛼 answered!

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? honestly my first experience with writing fic was probably with the ranger's apprentice books and percy jackson but back then i'd just write stuff for myself bc i wasn't really aware of fandom as a sharing space. after that i'm bad at remembering things in the right order but i THINK my first time publishing anything was very inconsistent 5sos y/n stuff on wattpad LMFAO and by god did it do numbers! then i found ao3, probably, and became a haikyuu writer for a while. my BIG break into ficdom was with kpop rpf however (which, i think is somewhat common in mcyt fandom? lol?) i wrote kpop fic for yearssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss and that experience is what really made me love ficwriting i guess

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? ohhh interesting question i actually don't think i have an answer? while i do have certain themes and plots im VERY fond of and think about consistently they're not necessarily things id like to see written, more of comfort ideas lol

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? YES, yes there are. a few, actually. there's 3 main pieces of media i pull inspiration from, somewhat consciously and CONSTANTLY.

(1) nora sakavic's the foxhole court trilogy. not only did this SHAPE ME AS A PERSON it also guides my writing style to this day. i read all three books in 8th grade or something and it changed me dude i carry the dialogue and the pacing with me still i KNOW the way i write things is the way it is today because of this woman

(2) richard siken's poetry <3 all of it influences me, but mostly the poems from 'crush'

>> you may know some of them from web weaves lol

(3) this is an insane thing to say but crimson rivers the 865k words the-hunger-games-au MARAUDERS fanfic . yes i am transgender it is my birthright to despise jkr as much as humanly possible but for as long as fanmade content is not profitable for that woman i will still tentatively interact with it. most of the characters on cr are barely IN the books either way its almost OC content and . it's good. it's really fucking good like i could never lie about this for a whole summer i was OBSESSIVELY reading and re-reading it!!!! the writing is actually so impressive to me and i think about it a lot more often than i probably should. most of all i take a lot of inspiration from the planning -- the foreshadowing and the attention to detail, how all 75 chapters of this thing tie in together at the end its really so fucking sick like you could not experience this through any other medium if not fanfiction