#also my memory isnt the best and i dont remember a lot of the earlier seasons

[zombie-ghost]

More aphmau mystreet rewrite junk

Travis:

☆freshman in s1 15 year old, sophomore in s2 16 year old, graduation days 18, 18 in falcon claw universality 20 at the end, 22 in the big move/my street s1 23 at the end, my street s2 23, my street s3 24, my street s4 25, starlight/when angels fall 26

☆ he/him

☆ bi

☆ Push over

☆ Trys to seem more confident then he actually is

☆ rlly interested in theater and classic literature

☆ could rant for hours about media he likes

☆ Katelyns no 1 fan boy

☆ idk if travlyn is gonna be canon but if it is then they get together in my street s2 or later

Nana (or "kawai chan" she will not be called that):

☆ Freshman in s1 15 year old, sophomore in s2 16 year old, graduation days 18, 18 in falcon claw universality 20 at the end, 22 in the big move/my street s1 23 at the end, my street s2 23, my street s3 24, my street s4 25, starlight/when angels fall 26

☆ They/she

☆ Pan

☆ Aspec (closeted)

☆ Trans + demi girl

☆ Rlly into j fashion

☆ HATES BEING BABYED

☆ Needs to be in anger management

☆ Does not talk in the 3rd person

☆ Works in a bakery

☆ rlly likes baking and cooking

☆ when she lives w/ aphmau and Katelyn she's the only one in the house that can cook

☆ owns a bakery/càfe later in life

☆ HATESSSSSSS BUGS LIKE ABSOLUTELY HATESSSS THEM

☆ still a shipper but not creepy abt it

☆ learns to respect boundaries after a much needed wake up call (prolly from Reese)

☆ Doesn't make out w/ Garroth

☆ takes Zanes "can we take our relationship slower?" Much better

☆ neurodivergent

Zane:

☆ Freshman in s1 15 year old, sophomore in s2 16 year old, graduation days 18, 18 in falcon claw universality 20 at the end, 22 in the big move/my street s1 23 at the end, my street s2 23, my street s3 24, my street s4 25, starlight/when angels fall 26

☆ has rlly bad ache especially in his teenage years

☆ he/they

☆ demi-romantic

☆ trans + nonbinary

☆ bi

☆ blind in right eye

☆ comes from a every wealthy family, people expect highly of him

☆ feels like he's constantly in his older brothers (Garroth) shadow

☆ has childish interest (such as my little horsey) but hides it in fear of being made fun of again

☆ feels unwanted

☆ his Backstory and just character in general is basically the same w/ a few changes

☆ friendship w/ aph is the same

☆ ace

☆ Zana is canon

☆ neurodivergent

Garroth:

☆ sophomore in s1 16 year old, junior in s2 17 year old, graduation days 19, 19 in falcon claw universality 21 at the end, 23 in the big move/my street s1 24 at the end, my street s2 24, my street s3 25, my street s4 26, starlight/when angels fall 27

☆ in a relationship w/ Laurence in my street s1(?)

☆ A bit of a himbo but not dumbed down like he was in the later seasons

☆ bi

☆ he/him

Ideas 4 rewrite

Ppl who have relics get reincarnated or fellow bloodlines and the ppl in said bloodlines have powers or whatever idfk

Irene = Aphmau

Irenes follower = Ein

Shadow = aaron

Enki =Travis

Kul'zak = Garroth

Esmund = Zane

When ever the descendents are near anything related to their ancestor they get these weird flashbacks/ hallucinations (mostly aphmau).

Lmk what yall think

Pt 1

Pt 3

Other

[brokenmachinemusings]

long post - discussion of did, psychosis (briefly), warning for possible unreality

did sucks because i forget a lot lol. like wdym i remember doing this or that but i dont remember 90% of it. idk how to explain this this mostly happens with us watching a show. eg: we watched jjk for example but as season 2 aired we had to rewatch EVERYTHING because we didnt remember any of s1. after watching the full s1 mind you. honestly, its a weak example but i know we had a jjk phase so its really frustrating. i sometimes forget how to draw. how to write. how to cook. how to sew. and it’s really, really uncomfortable. even my friends at times. sometimes it feels like im viewing my memories in third person. i dont resent myself, not the reasons for my trauma, nor any of it. sometimes i feel like i am a nobody. not in a negative way. in a neutral way, to explain it best - kind of like im just floating here. just a person, a thing, an atom, floating alongside everything else. i forget my emotions. i get its a trauma response, but forgetting my emotions is pretty useful to me. when i said ifs frustrating earlier, sure, it sometimes is, but i lied. i dont feel anything towards it. i know sooner or later - there will be an alter, going on about all this rambunctiously. but, well, what can i do? nothing. thats the truth of it. sometimes i get glimpses of memories. memories that i dont know, are they real, are they fake? and who knows. some of them are terrifying to think of. there have been people who have went through worse, though. surely mine must be unreal. simply a delusion, hallucination if you will. sometimes i forget we are psychotic. this coupled by the fact we have alters who are psychosis holders - or maybe our symptom manager. if that’s all because of her, she’s doing a good job. we also forget a lot of our delusions… or hallucinations… if we’re not living thru them. and well, you know how it is with telling whats real and what isnt for psychotics. frankly, we havent been able to tell if we have even experienced (positive) psychosis symptoms in the past few months. except for maybe some brief auditory hallucinations. sighs. existing is a little tiring. especially when theres alters running rampant with emotions, yet i feel nothing.

[elfdyke]

wow thanks! that was a really in depth post about it you make good points! when I played I definitely got the sense that monika had encouraged sayori to kill herself and I didn’t get the sense of any remorse when natsuki or yuri died or got fucked up but I guess u do make some good points there about how she was just trying to make them less desirable rather than kill them. I’m new to the game and the fandom so im not super familiar with everything yet but is there anything in the canon or lore that points away from monika having pushed sayori to commit suicide or is it mostly just fan theories and personal readings? either way thank u so much for answering!

yes i can absolutely find you some info on that!

there's quite a bit of information hidden within the games files, so I'm kind of assuming if you're new to the game, that you might not have seen these things? so ill dive into them too!

I'm gona do this under the cut so i can like, dissect things from the game !

(also i found stuff thats specifically pointing away from her meaning actual harm/death for Both yuri and sayori, jsyk)

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.txt (discovered in game files during act 2)

“All I want is for you to hate them. Why is that so hard.”

not, all i want for them is to die. she doesnt want to kill them. she wants to separate us from them so we are with Her, not them. things spiral out of control, but it was never her intention for things to get this bad. ntm its repeated over and over in this game how badly monika wants to die. she's hanging on by a thread, keeping on only because she wants to be with us, to be in contact with reality. this leads to really unfortunate circumstances but i really strongly believe everything in the text alludes to the fact she did Not want things to get this bad

ACT 3 INTRO:

(im copy pasting a transcript of the monologue here, but this is taken from the very beginning of act 3, which you can see in this video starting at 25:56)

imo this is all the proof needed to show that she really had no intention of ‘killing’ sayori and yuri. things spiraled out of control far beyond what she was capable of handling. 

her goals with making sayori more depressed and yuri more obsessive were, in here words “to just try to make them as unlikable as possible”. she didnt want her friends to brutally die!! she loved them q_q i feel like a lot of people really dont look at this specific part of what she says and take it to heart. its very telling for her character and important for understanding what she does and why she does it

ACT 3 MONOLOGUES:

sayori's hanging (cw: graphic descriptions of suicide)

dialogue of importance:

"I was thinking about Sayori earlier... I still wish I could have handled that whole thing a little more tactfully."

+

"Come to think of it, it was probably less 'changing her mind' and more just her survival instincts kicking in." "So you can't really fault her for that." "It's easier to think that she probably wouldn't have changed her mind anyway, right?" "It's not healthy to think about the things you could have done differently." "So just remember that even though you could have saved her, it's technically not your fault she killed herself." "I may have exacerbated it a little bit, but Sayori was already mentally ill." "Still, though..." "I wonder how things would be if you and I just started dating from the get-go?" "I guess we'd all still be in the clubroom, writing poems and having fun together." "But what's the point when none of it is even real?" "I mean, it's the same ending either way, right?"

ok so whats important here, is monika is essentially using us, the player, as a mirror in act 3? the things she says i believe, very strongly show her sense of uncertainty in her actions, and her fears of what if she could have done something else??

"even though you could have saved her, its technically not your fault she killed herself" reads SO much to me like shes trying to comfort herself with this, she doesnt want it to be her fault. nothings real, sayori's a character in a game. but she wishes so badly they could have just been normal girls living together.

happy end poem

OK SO LIKE. this is actual proof of Why she does everything she does. she's scared if she reaches out and tells us she's trapped in a game, we'll stop playing, we'll kill her. she tinkers with the game, trying to make herself look the best, trying to make us choose her, and nothing works. and this leads to her becoming frustrated and scared, and screwing with the game more and more desperately trying to do anything to save herself.

if you recall, in act 2, she gives you a poem which bluescreen the computer. this was actually an attempt she makes to escape the game q_q she never wanted to kill yuri, she never wanted things to escalate like that. she wanted to get out but she had no idea how to program her way out of the game, resulting in everything crumbling around her, and her friends dying.

my own route

hang on this one genuinely makes me so upset.

it very much relates back to how in the conversation about sayori's suicide, she's still clearly thinking about how things could be Different. shes thinking about how they could be normal. "I may not have needed to take such drastic measures to be with you. Maybe the rest of the club would still be around..." , and then immediately trying to convince herself it doesnt matter, and that she doesnt care.

its so so obvious shes hurting and she misses her friends. the additional "i really dont (miss them)" at the end really shows that shes desperately trying to convince herself that it was worth it, that she did everything she should have, and her friends dont matter. but they clearly do matter to her. she loved them (she couldnt even delete them if u recall)

also another important part about this monologue, a lot of people say she killed the other girls out of jealousy, but this shows thats not true??

"I think I would end up forcing you onto my route anyway." "It has less to do with me not having a route, and more to do with me knowing that nothing is real."

this wasnt because shes 'in love' with us. she wanted to be close to something real, something tangible. she's clinging onto us, the player character, like someone lost at sea with a piece of driftwood, doing everything she can to stay afloat

wine

ok this isnt on the surface level as important as the other ones, but literally look at how she talks about this memory.. she misses them so much and talking about this memory she clearly cherishes brings her so much joy. she doesnt belittle any of them, she doesnt talk down on them, she’s just reliving this memory because it makes her happy 

I HOPE THIS HELPS?? im sure theres a few more things im forgetting, but i did my best to scrabble up everything i could to show how monika’s not an evil mastermind, shes a scared girl who didnt realize what she was doing and when things got too bad, she did her best to fix it, only for it to get worse n worse

edit: oh heres the proof that monika always loved the girls and never actually deleted them

:’)

edit 2: haha.. um ouch

“It’s not right for me to miss things that weren’t even real in the first place.” shes forcing herself to try and ignore her feelings for the other girls

[ninjayuri]

You know what? I guess you were onto something about Shin's behavior. It's rather weird and disconnected, I will admit it as much. His personality is quite hard to understand, and at some rare times, I even doubt if he is being himself or still imitating Midori in a way.

It's just recently that I am trying to pay attention to the details, and take them more seriously. It's also been a while since I played the prior chapters, so, my memory may not be that good. Though, as far as the logic route goes, conflicting things are to happen because of the player's decision to kill a child. We know Shin learned about a sibling's existence, but did he really know about his relations with Kanna? It could be used later on the game... and depending of whether he did already know or not, it can result in a problem.

And, yes. I still want to understand the part where Sara remembers about Joe, even if she wasn't supposed to. It seems like a writing inconsistency. Some people also say she was making an act, but I wonder if it is what really happened. What kind of reason could she have to pretend she forgot about someone as important as her best friend? It's not impossible, but why?

— Wonder

same here, its been a while since ive played earlier parts so its made it significantly more difficult to draw conclusions dfkgjfdg. but i read someone elses post, about midori being the reason for his weird acts. bc now that midori's out of the way, the next victim would be sara, since he hates her the most currently, right? since he compared them and everything? so sara isnt very safe, but since shes very different on logic route,,,, it might not be as easy as a fight as shin might assume. and honestly? i think hes gonna have a hard time with the midori persona thing, bc midori was the strongest person he knew, and he just. died. just like that.

as for kanna,,, i dont really think he knew about kanna being his sibling. but if he continues going on with the midori persona, itll probably be an even bigger breaking point? unless he decides to stop with that since he thinks of sara and midori as similar, but midori died + sara killed kanna and if he acts like midori he'll act like her? but at this point its honestly become too much a part of him to get rid of. itll be interesting to see where it leads.

if she was making an act, that would also showcase a similarity between her and shin, wouldnt it? because of his whole amnesia act as well? and yeah, im going to assume theres a HUGE twist or a writing mistake bc theres really nothing to gain from faking it.

this makes NO SENSE but ig what im trying to say is that shin/midori/sara have a LOT of similarities as of late and i dont think i like that very much

[wychive]

𝙪𝙣𝙨𝙥𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙣 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨

summary // you found your pile of ‘letters’ to hyunjin that contain thoughts that have never been said and decided to write to him one last time.

pairing(s) // hyunjin x gn!reader, hyunjin x oc, slight minho x reader

genre(s) // angst, letter fic 

warning(s) // mentions of food, themes of being forgotten, vulgar wording, humiliation, overthinking

word count // 2.0k

author's note // happy birthday @noya-sannnn​ !! im sorry this was so late hhh you know how i am irl,, but i hope you enjoy this! i love you so much, jane <3 i apologize for the many grammar mistakes gn. i recommend listening to iu’s ending scene while reading this! btw y/n/n means your nickname.

[10/01/14, 3:55am]

dear jinnie,

hi there! it's y/n <3 i hope you're doing okay - i mean of course you are pfft anyways, just writing this short letter (more like paragraph)  sort of as a venting mechanism? for things i cant tell you about lol  im not so sure how you would call it, since you're so much better at words than i am. basically were like:

hyunjin: ow a brain freeze!

me: haha brain go brrrr

anyways haha yea <3 it's 4am so like,, ill see you at school!

signed,

your loser,

y/n/n

[15/02/14, 12:34am]

yo heartthrob!

im back with this kinda stuff haha it's been a whole? week? since ive written one of these so like yes..hi! i just wanted to say thanks, for today. you really know how to cheer me up huh? you really outdid yourself by setting up that little picnic for us. congrats on making the strawberry cake so perfectly <3 this day will always stay as a core memory in the back of my brain. you're too caring sometimes,,, istg you'll pay for this [maybe hugs?] >:) 

signed,

your partner in crime,

y/n/n

[30/02/15, 01:29am]

jinnie-senpai~~

LMAO you hate me calling you that, doesn't change a thing though. hehe,, nways i hope you enjoyed your birthday present :) i got you that really cool skateboard that you wanted. i worked my ass off for that in my mother's garden so like,, you gotta thank me for that a thousand times :D nah jk, its a sincere gift, from me to you. i rarely do this for ANYONE so consider yourself lucky to have a best friend like me -3- also, seungmin is like….kinda the cutest person ever. introduce me to him pls, thank!

signed,

<your bestest friend3,

y/n

(p.s. you're kinda cute too,,,, ig,,, still stinkee tho)

[13/04/15, 9:04pm]

hey 'baby' (HAHAHA ihy for this)

i hope your day was okay! i didn't see much of you today (which was sort of a bummer but wtv) so like…. uh yea. you told me you were doing okay over text, which kinda surprised me because like?? we always video call lol this is kinda the first time,, but its okay, i trust you! (i really hope youre doing alright tho, i'll beat anyone up if they make you sad >:( ) you also called me 'sweetheart' today which was like…. omg wtf haha????????? that was so weird to me for some reason… a good kind of weird :D we haven't done those kinds of nicknames in a while so…. happy to know that they're back in session <3 i talked to the new girl today, she's really cool! like she knows the bean song on tiktok so like its a total win heh, ill introduce you to her tomorrow! you'll love her a lot

signed,

your 'lover',

y/n/n

[08/06/16, 10:23pm]

hey howl (hehe go back to that movie night we had)

this spring break sucks so much,, esp because youre not here (you still couldve brought me along :'[ ) but wtv i hope youre enjoying yourself. ive been hanging out with yeonnie lately and i found out she likes conan grey too like pls i love her sm. can we adopt her?? please???? she told me you guys have been video calling too and that makes me so happy!! you two are getting along so well aaa my precious babies </3 

what if you developed a crush on her? haha…..jk unless?? (no jk dont shes all mine, stay away >:) ) anyways, i hope the three of us hang out soon. maybe go to that ice cream parlour where they serve the best cookies and cream?  

signed,

your daisy,

y/n/n

[19/07/15, 01:23am]

peepee poopoo hello

heyheyhey!! (heh, haikyuu thingz) i hope youre doing okay! i mean sure you are, with everything going so well. also i feel like you're not telling me something. maybe it's just me? is it? i hope it is because you tell me everything,, we've been talking less these days but its okay! i know how busy you are, especially with your dad always bugging you,,

also, i think yeonbin likes you :0,, she keeps talking about you whenever we hang out. don't get me wrong, its not bad that she likes you but...something doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm being the third wheeler here and like ugh idk. haha laughs yea i think its just me.. im sorry, i didnt mean to do you like this,, anyways, ill see you soon + her too ofc- yall are inseparable lmao

signed,

your moonlight,

y/n/n

[23/07/15, 01:56am]

greetings, kind sir

lol more like mean sir but like aight KSKSK,, anyways,, how have you been? we haven't really talked in a while,, our convos are always so short with it being one-sided :/ i wish you were online more. yeonnie is ignoring me,, do you know why? i think you do,,, but when i asked you just said you didnt know. did i do something wrong? pls tell me.. 

she blocked my contact the other day and she won't even smile at me when i pass her in the hallways. its,, sad and stressful especially because she was the only one that would genuinely talk to me. i hate to say this,, but i miss you. us, hanging out like the best trio we are, yknow? but i dont think you miss me the same way. sorry, im getting out of hand. i know im just overreacting. im just gonna sleep ig,, good night! sweet dreams,,

signed,

your pink lemonade,

y/n/n

[25/07/15, 03:25am]

hi there

i heard you and her got together?? congrats, jinnie! im so proud of you,, especially because you never had even considered getting a girlfriend a few months earlier lmaO you really woo the ladies huh? anyways,, i hope you've been well since we last talked,, how many days has it been?? i would say nearly a week or so but honestly it feels like a hundred years,, considering you and i used to talk every day. but you have her now to keep you company.

keep this a secret but can you possibly tell me why it hurts when i see her? or when i mention her or even think of her?? is it because she's connected to you? but.. you're my best friend, so why? is it because i miss you? is it because im alone now? is it because you left me with a simple 'i have to go now,, bye y/n/n.'? im not sure either. im being silly, i apologize. ill figure it out sooner or later. sweet dreams, jinnie

signed,

your asswipe,

y/n

[25/07/15, 04:30am]

jinnie

it's because i love you. 

signed,

your butterfly,

y/n

[??/08/??, 05:??am]

you

i miss your lame jokes. i miss your smile. i miss your laughs. i miss your funny faces. i miss the way your eyes twinkle. i miss th way you would make me happy just by doing the bare minimum. i miss the disaster you made when cooking breakfast. i miss the night when you snuck me out just to go to that pretty lantern event. i miss when you would call out my name everytime we met. i miss when we would share earbuds in train rides. dont you get it, hyunjin? i miss you.

[??/??/15, ??:??am]

asshole.

please tell me that isn't true, please. you're too kind to do these kinds of things, right? + i was your best friend,, then, why, why did you hurt me like this. i didnt do anything wrong.. you couldve just told me you didnt like me,,, why did she have to tell me? out of all people. 

youre so pathetic for this,, i thought you were brave, bold - but youre just a fucking coward. i loved you, i really did. and i realised too late… im sorry. she,, i shouldn't have talked to her in the first place, right? i bet you knew she humiliated me, in front of everyone. of course you did, you were the only one that knew. you told her. fuck, i hate you so much (yet why do i long for you on a night like this?). you know how much that'll affect me and yet, there you are, laughing about it with her.

signed,

fuck off,

you know who i am.

[31/08/15, 03:41am]

ah, jinnie

please tell me this is just a nightmare. please, please. stop just reading my texts, please answer them. jinnie. i miss you so much. i dont care bout her, please just let me be in your arms. i dont care if you love me back, please just talk to me at least. tell me what i did wrong,, jinnie,, please,,, clear these tear stains on my cheek with kisses.

signed,

your fuck-up,

y/n

[15/09/15, 04:59am]

jinnie

why do i keep crying because of you? its been a few weeks since everything has happened. please, nothing has changed. i still love you the same even with all the hatred i have pent up in this stupid brain of mine. i wish i could just walk back in time, to where it all began.

when i first met you in third grade and you pushed me while playing soccer or maybe when we took those ridiculous prom pictures, remember those? i hope you still have them,, because i do too. i hope the pictures of us on your wall still hang there,, it'll remind you of the happy times. hm,, maybe you don't need them. 

you already have millions of pictures with you and her,, i bet you printed some and replaced those with ours right? sly dog. 

signed,

friend,

y/n/n

[04/02/16, 12:57am]

hey

i went to the park today and saw both of you being happy. it's nice to see your smile again. im sorry i didnt go up to you,, i just thought it would be awkward. when i heard that adorable laugh of yours, it made me realise that i lost something special. but it's okay isnt it? as your happiness matters more than mine. 

signed,

y/n

[06/01/20, 08:00pm]

dear hyunjin,

im doing fine here. how about you? gosh,, how long has it been? years? since we last talked to each other. i havent heard from you since. i would just like to say i still think of you sometimes, when watering the plants or dancing while making pancakes. sometimes i think you're here with me too, just being the pals we were. 

sometimes i'd see you out, just reading a book in the park or buying pasta sauce at the grocery store. it's nice to see you having a stable life. im not sure if you're still with her or not, but its good to know that you still have that large friend group. also! you're never gonna guess who im dating--

it's minho! do you remember him? the one that i used to hate,, uh yeah. he asked me out the other day- you may wonder how tf,,, i too do not know how tf but he gives the best hugs ever. he gave me the love i wanted from you. he stitched my heart back together after it broke,, i love him so much, jinnie..

it's snowing,, do you remember when we would skate on the frozen lake in front of your house? are your parents well? i wonder if your mother still has those earrings i bought for her birthday. i never told you this but your laugh and hers sound so similar. 

i would just like to say thank you, for everything. you were a big part of my life, up until now. when we see each other after this, we would just be strangers. maybe flash a little smile or give a little wave whenever we greet each other but nothing more. some memories of us would flow in every now and then but it'll just be a short teaser. well, i'll be going now. smile for me, okay?

signed,

the one that loved you the most,

y/n.

taglist // @/noya-sannnn, @crvgio​ , @neo-shitty​

reply to be in my gen taglist!

[coralstudiies]

SURVIVAL GUIDE & STUDY TIPS

hello everyone!! this post is a collab with the lovely and amazing @boinkhs because we've both reached 2k followers :D she'll be doing study tips for college students and i'll be doing study tips for high schoolers. check out her post here!

i've split this into part 1. survival, which concerns how to study & learn better in general and just tips on how to get through high school. part 2. is on specific study tips for each type of subject, namely sciences, maths, languages and humanities.

Hope this helps <3

1. Don't snooze please

you just end up snoozing 5 times then you’re late for school

2. If you find you have difficulty getting out of bed, just keep in mind ONE TASK you need to do.

for example, making your bed. then you just gotta focus on that! it should help fight the sleepiness because you’re forcing your brain and limbs to be active.

3. Do the necessary things like brushing your teeth, putting on clothes and eat breakfast

i don’t know why but some people don’t eat breakfast before coming to school like ???? excuse me ???? please eat at least a small snack, or a fruit or something. your body doesnt function on an empty stomach! also, drink some water to hydrate yourself

4. On the road, you should do something that puts you in a good mood.

for me, i go straight to spotify and listen to my playlist. you should also review the previous day’s learning so that you refresh your memory before going back to class. personally this is my fav part of the day HAHAHA

5. If you like, you can choose to read a book.

just make sure you’re calm but ‘warmed up’ to focusing in a sense.

1. Hydrate frequently

idk man it just keeps you awake + i dont feel so icky if i drink enough water

2. Learn actively

if the teacher asks questions, try to answer. sit at the front row. offer to help give out the worksheets or notes. clarify your doubts after. when they speak, copy down notes. don’t worry about the aesthetic; i mean you can but you need to write fast and neat which unfortunately doesnt come together very often. i suggest you spend more brain power digesting and understanding the content.

3. Don’t over highlight

ONLY KEY POINTS that are stressed by the teacher. you can tell when their tone changes, expression changes, when they use more hand motions, or they keep repeating a few key words. yes , that. highlight that. stare at it while listening to them speak. make sure you understand. if you don’t please ask. but make sure you don’t have a fluorescent page because that’s not ideal study material!

4. Write down any questions you have

if they’re answered in the lesson, cancel them off. if not, ask after the lesson. dont be scared! *sends virtual courage*

5. Use whatever free time you have to finish homework

because you’re gonna thank yourself later. you should spend more time at home revising than doing homework. ( doing homework isnt equivalent to revising PLEASE I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY REVISED FOR 3 HOURS BUT ALL THEY DID WAS HOMEWORK ) also it feels better knowing you have one less thing to worry about

6. Record down all assignments, due dates and test dates

do it in a planner or your phone. doesn’t matter just keep them somewhere. it can be demoralising to see an entire entry of shit to get done but still it’s better than not knowing what needs to be done. ignorance is NOT bliss. try to color code or symbol code them, for example • for assignments (due date behind), - for tests etc. act on this when you go home (see below)

7. Have a file/binder some form of organisation to keep different subjects’ worksheets, tests, notes, reading etc.

you can have one massive binder, one binder for each subject, one folder file for each subject or anything that suits you. for me, i clip all materials of one subject together with a binder clip. the materials i use most are at the front for easy reference. then put those bundles into zipper files, perhaps one for math and sciences, another for languages and humanities. or whatever suits you best! make sure you have everything in one place so you don’t panic and dig through a pile of dog-eared paper.

8. If you can, when it’s near the exam period, don’t stay back after school unless it’s to study.

i used to stay back for training and to play volleyball with my friends and i kid you not we would play from 2pm to 6.30 pm and get nothing done but it was fun. and i’m not saying deprive yourself of that fun but when the exams are near, you should be studying somewhere quiet/ somewhere you can focus. you should go somewhere (preferably home) where you can focus and get things done.

9. Decide if you’re a lone wolf or if you need a study buddy/study group

personally i’m a lone wolf because i hate distractions and i don’t want to distract others. but when my friends ask me for help i don’t mind staying back a little to teach them and/or study with them. Personally i find that for subjects like english which require you to write about an array of topics, studying with someone else can help in generation of essay points and to just broaden your understanding of the topic. so yeah it really depends, just do what suits you :)

10. Take notes in class

try to understand while copying, and if you didn’t understand something, you should raise your hand and ask for the teacher to repeat so that you hear it again. also, it gives you more time to take notes as they re-explain the content. read them after the lesson is over to help internalise some facts. you can create your own method of organisation for your notes, e.g. colour coding.

1. Review the day’s learning on the way home.

if you take public transport, try to flip through your notes and worksheets to review new content for the first time.

2. Eat lunch, have a snack, take a shower, everything that’s necessary.

if you use your phone while eating, make sure you don’t eat slowly just to use your phone because that’s wasting time.

3. If you’re super tired, just have a 15-20min power nap

nothing more otherwise you will NEVER wake up until the dead of night. just take a nap to get some energy back. doesnt matter if you wake up feeling more tired, because you’ll shake that feeling in a while. keep a glass of water beside you so that you can drink it once you wake up!

4. Look through your ‘list’ that you made earlier in the day. (in class, pt. 6)

you might want to spend max 10 mins updating your schedule. then stare at the dreaded homework. start with the easiest and least time consuming to build up momentum. this could actually be the remainder of what you’ve finished in school. then look at the due dates. do them in order of due dates. unless it’s a huge project or assignment, you might want a head start on it!

5. With the remaining time, you should start revising

review the day’s learning AGAIN.

make notes/mindmaps/flashcards whatever works for you. you should prioritise the subject or chapter that you were most confused about. quickly revise and try to clear up any questions you have about the chapter. if you have additional time, go ahead and make notes for the next subject! another way is going through corrections and clarifying your doubts with friends/teachers, and summarise the day’s learning on a post-it or two. if you’ve already taken notes in class, look at other sources e.g textbook and combine what you’ve learnt before re-writing or re-organising your notes.

1. Pack your bag!

remove unnecessary materials, and pack the necessary one. make sure your bag isnt too heavy. you can choose to hand carry some files or binders if they’re too bulky, but make sure you’re all packed before the next morning

2. Have a meal & clean up

again, basic necessities. don’t go to bed hungry or feeling icky because thats not how you treat yo self!

Before class:

if you’re going to continue on a chapter, review the content that came before it. Try to make your own connections between the already learnt and to-be learnt content so that you’re mentally ready for class.

In class:

take down notes, highlight, annotate and DRAW DIAGRAMS. you can’t do sciences without diagrams. for physics or chemistry which require more calculation, copy down the problems your teacher goes through and solve them along with him/her. write the formulas on a post it note so you can stick it onto the page where you’re writing for easy reference. if the teacher plays a video which is MOST DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO WAIT FOR YOU you have to write only the relevant points in the most abbreviated form possible.

Note-taking:

I find that linear notes help me most in sciences. for chapters that involve lots of interconnected processes, for example o chem, then mindmaps or flowcharts will be helpful. also if you tend to forget something, post-it that stuff on the front page of your notes where you are FORCED to stare at it. yes. write down example problems and their steps, then write explanations for each step so that if you’re confused you can always refer back. again, draw any required diagrams.

Answering techniques:

if there’s a ‘standard’ way to answer it then you have to make sure you follow that way even in your homework because it’s muscle memory. when you get to exams, your hand will automatically write in the same format so you don’t lose marks or spend time recalling the correct format.

imo sciences are quite logical so as long as you remember and follow the flow you’ll be fine!

In class:

copy key terms, facts and examples and write all examples that the teacher has gone through. write all formulas and definitions on a post it, then shift it around the pages as needed. if there’s a type of problem you particularly suck at, ask your teacher for help IMMEDIATELY because it’s so easy to forget the steps to a problem.

At home:

do your homework, do additional practice, correct your mistakes, clarify, and repeat. memorise formulas and definitions (perhaps using flashcards or post its) then practice more and make sure your concepts are strong. there’s no easy way and sadly this is all i can comment.

In class:

copy down notes, think actively, and if you’re given a sample essay you should annotate the heck out of it and keep it somewhere safe.

For essays:

read up more and write up. befriend the best writer in class and ask for their essays. write essay plans and consult your teacher. brainstorm possible approaches with friends. read the news, and copy the links of interesting online articles for future reference. have a go-to list of examples and quotes you can use, for any and every topic. read these like your bedtime story and never forget to keep updating them.

For comprehension passages:

read the questions first. then you’ll be more sensitive to what you need to read in the passage and how you need to analyse it. try to question yourself about how and why the author does something or makes you feel something. do not rush-read the passage or you will fail horribly (personal experience). do one or two extra comprehensions and ask your teacher to mark them.

In class:

ARROWS TO LINK EVERYTHING and annotate any class notes given. write down new examples provided by the teacher. if there is a link you ‘can check out’ go check it out. it’s probably something thats gonna be on the exam.

At home:

you have to rely on mindmapping and flow charts because everything is linked in some way and you cannot ignore those links!!!! although i do my humanities notes in linear form, my in class notes are all in the form of mindmaps. and actually i revise from those in a pinch because i can see everything at one go. watch vids on the concepts, for example plate tectonics. those things are so hard to see when they’re deadass sitting on the page and not budging. watch a video where they really move instead of being frozen.

If you’re so frickin lost:

watch more videos on the concepts, watch more videos on the events, search up interpretations online and ask your teachers!!! for everyone who gets equally lost as me when i’m faced with a new chapter, another way is to pre-read before the teacher starts teaching. if you’re lazy to read just watch a couple clips on it so that at least you have some background. even if you wake up the next day with 0 concrete memory, which you won’t, you’ll already have the flow of things which will help you if you’re usually the straggler.

(disclaimer i study geography although i've tried history and english literature but i think that they're similar to some extent, especially on how to study them)

[hajimine]

dear hottie lex :D ㅡ it is, in fact, me again 😫👍🏼 let me tell u about the presentation 😐 a classmate of mine had the exact same quote i planned on using (which i still plan on using lmao) but like we never talked or sum and her turn with the presentation was right before me and our concepts were kinda similar, so i'm slightly concerned that people are gonna think i copied her?? 😀 anyways we had 8 mins left and literally RIGHT BEFORE IT WAS MY TURN my teacher goes "i have to leave earlier today..." and i was like bruh r u kidding me 🤡 i was SO READY PLS i usually hate presentations but i was even excited :// now i have to do it on thursday 🙄✋🏼 anyways i still have that one assignment due later today, a mindmap of the things we did in the last weeks like I DONT REMEMBER OR UNDERSTAND A THING 😻👍🏼 how great life is isnt it 🤲🏻 anyways is it legal to throw a chair or sum at your teacher?? bc that one teacher 😀😀😀😀 WHY AM I ONLY TALKING ABOUT SCHOOL PLSHSJS MY ASS IS SO ANNOYING 😫 anyway lemme grab some water rq, i hope u do too 😌 i honestly just had to rant a little im so sorry 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ i hope you've had a great day so far though!! and if you didn't drink some water, please go n get some soon 😌🤲🏻 and don't forget to eat too!! imma finish that episode and then try n do that assignment 🙄 kith kith for u hottie mwah feel hugged <3 ㅡ best regards, 🐉 anon

my dearest 🐉 anon,

oh worm i hope the teacher’s not gonna think u copied her 👩‍🦯 esp bc youre doing it on a later date </3 but goodluck for thursday!! you’re gonna ace it i know it in my heart 🙇🏻‍♀️ JEHSIAJ did u finish the mindmap yet? 😭 i get what u mean bye i cant even retain memory properly anymore ajshjsns it’s so bad 🥲 ok pls don’t throw a chair at your teacher u can just bite them instead (/j !!!) WAIT ok very short story but back in hs one of my friends was the type to get into fights a lot and he threw a table at my other classmate once🧎🏻‍♀️he broke it and had to pay double + he got suspended BYE (i promise im not a troublemaker ajhsjabs im not involved in my friend’s shenanigans 👹) anyways- dw abt it!! i get how frustrating school can be so you’re always welcome to scream at me about your teachers etc 😁🙏🏼 also i finally watched the new aot episode and young zeke looks tasty 🥸 i still dont like him tho he has committed way too many sins bye </3 my day has been pretty okay,, i took a nap bc uni was giving me a headache but other than that it’s pretty chill,, i did a lot of things today tho so that felt realy good >:)) it’s almost 12am but i still have some notes i wanna write but i’ll go grab some water rn 🚶🏻‍♂️i hope u have a wonderful rest of your day babes!! goodluck on all your hw mwah !! here’s me hugging u back 🫂 (sidenote that emoji is so detailed idk how to feel abt that but uh moving on) remember to not overwork yourself and get some rest if youre tired 🤎

with love,

lex 😻

[blookmallow]

playing rusty lake Roots... theres so much going on 

i wrote this post at like 2 AM last night so its kind of incoherent lmao

ok so now im following the family history of... maybe the founders of the rusty lake hotel? someone who is Involved Somehow. some weird shit is going on and im really into it but not quite following yet 

oH god theres a dead guy in the clock. ok 

i spent like 10 minutes solving puzzles in this room with that dude in there the whole time and i had no idea OK SURE 

then i had to burrow into his chest to steal his heart, as you do. sorry sir apparently i need it for some reason but it doesnt look like you’re using it anymore anyway 

very romantic

the absolutely batshit solutions to some of these are so good like. “she likes him! he likes her! help them communicate” “ok i will... give her a rose” “she likes the rose! oh she pricked herself and is bleeding everywhere now” “i... use her blood. for ink. with the feather i got from a raven earlier. so he can write her a love note. with her blood” “great job! they’re engaged now” “i see” 

and you’ll NEVER GUESS where i found a ring for her 

god damn it its you again

why is this disembodied hand following me everywhere i go... i didnt kill it this time it was already dead but like, Why 

oh fuck its the dudes!!!! from the hotel!!!! its the guys!!!! 

i can also see them in the hotel across the lake despite everyone else being humans this time and it feels like this should be Before the events of the, uh. dinner party. but it might be shadows of the future to come or something, there’s a lot of ominous Fate and something to do with memories happening here 

oh. that’s why i needed the heart. i see 

im collecting sacrifices for some kind of revival i think, im betting this is gonna end up being how mr. owl happened somehow 

oH god that’s. ok. fuckign christ 

thats not. how any of this works but sure ok that happened 

really not a fan of the fact that the solution to “how do i get the key from the dog” ended up being “feed it the woman’s fucking placenta after she gives birth” lmao ok

i do like when the solutions are like. unexpectedly horrifying, though. that moment of “wait. no. no. oh god. thats it isnt it” 

also the woman would only give me one bottle of milk (there’s three babies) so i had to fill another one with wine and another with water. i feel like this is a bad method of caring for your triplets but what do i kno 

i know this all isnt really meant to be taken literally tho i think... everything happening here is highly symbolic but im not sure exactly how

the milk goes to samuel, who seems the most normal/put together child, maybe the one who was treated the best/the most privileged one/the one closest to the mother 

the wine goes to albert who ends up being the most fucked up one so maybe thats a sign he was abused/maybe one or both parents had an alcohol problem they took out on him the most 

im not sure what the water would mean though, that one goes to emma and shes a botanist so, water for the flowers, i guess, she later commits suicide but i dont know why yet (or maybe it might not be explained at all) maybe it’s a. wasting away/neglected thing? 

hm.

im missing a shot i thought i had here but you’re in an alchemy lab trying to make this elixir and the alchemist won’t take it, and the only other thing in the room is.... the dog 

so i was just like :( im gonna kill the dog arent i 

but then 

the dog drank the elixir and was fine so the alchemist tried it and immediately died, so apparently it’s a 50/50 chance of either reaction and not “it works or it doesn’t” all around and now we have an immortal dog :’  ) 

either that or it just doesn’t affect dogs. time will tell i suppose

anyway this is how albert turned out and i would do anything for him LOOK at this baby boy 

he wanted a butterfly so i solved a bunch of very strange puzzles to obtain one for him 

fuCKing hell 

albert you’re not gonna believe this look what i found

FUCK yeah you look great 

i brought him the butterfly and he immediately stabbed it to death but really im more concerned with the fact that it’s BLEEDING RED 

look at him go

i carved a pumpkin mask for him and he loves it 

i hope albert knows i would die for him 

ok anyway uhh its 2 AM as of when im writing this so i should stop but im trying to work out thoughts on what the fuck is going on here so far 

ok so

james married mary and they had three kids

james might have murdered his uncle or something im still not sure why there was a dead guy in the clock at the beginning 

somethin sure happened there

james became fascinated with alchemy and eventually died trying to create an elixir of life. something or someone is trying to do some kind of weird revival ritual with body parts. i highly suspect that might be where mr. owl comes from

its not totally clear what’s going on with albert, he had a mark on his head when he was a baby but im not sure if his face is like that just bc birth mark or if the wasp incident made it worse or something, i feel like it wasnt as visible in the childhood scene but i dont remember now 

he wanted the butterfly when he was a kid too but it wasnt clear if he liked it or wanted to kill it then too. not sure if the wasp incident Changed Him/was the start of lifelong rivalry with samuel, or if albert’s just mentally ill and that was just One More Incident with his siblings bullying him, or maybe a combination of both

emma grows up to be a botanist but commits suicide for reasons unknown

there was a really weird disjointed flashback on emma’s side of the tree where albert kind of inadvertently dumped a kid into a well (he was... spinning the crank thing mayb stimming or something, the player makes the swing go too far to make the kid land there in the first place so idk if thats just The Hand Of Fate or what, but albert didnt technically do it he just was the reason he lost grip on the. thing where the rope goes/he didnt help the kid) (but again he’s. not mentally well, i think it was ‘he didnt understand what was going on’ more than ‘he committed a possible murder’) so idk if maybe that was emma’s kid?? she also may have been impregnated by plants. dont know what the fuck that was about either 

samuel marries a fortune teller named ida (and has more kids i think. i wasnt paying close enough attention to the photo on the wall) who albert also loves but she seems to think of him as the devil and has visions about him i think

it looks like albert loses it and puts some kind of curse on samuel possibly black magic/voodoo/something which MAY have turned him into mr. crow, which, fucked up if true 

but im hesitant to accept “albert’s just Fucked Up And Evil” bc... the wine bottle seems to imply he was not treated well as a baby/possibly abused, samuel knocked a wasp nest onto his head which isn’t massively outside the realm of like. sibling rivalry stuff (my brother once smacked me in the head with a snowglobe so hard i had to be rushed to the doctor when he was rly little/i was younger and we’re Completely Fine now lmao) but maybe fucked him up worse than they realized 

and the whole thing with ida, too. theres no detail given but it definitely seems like samuel is the favorite child and albert is the “we don’t talk about that one” child so its like. years of abuse/unequal treatment/etc and we dont necessarily know how samuel’s treated him all these years or if there could’ve been more/worse things going on 

i dont know!! i like him and i want him to get help and not just be condemned as the family demon just bc he spooky 

[czechforrain]

Unpopular Opinions on Endgame (at least on Tumblr)

Ok So I've seen two main complaints about the movie on Tumblr. 

Obviously spoilers are below.

They're two of the biggest of the movie.

Anyways...the two complaints are

1. Tony's death was pointless & an insult to his role as a member of the avengers

2. Steve going back in time undoes his character arc and what about bucky.

Now to the 1st part. The death of Tony was done for two reasons metacontextually-speaking. Robert Downey Jr is done with the role so its either retirement, death or dozens of appearances as a minor role in spiderman and other affiliated sequels/side stories. Given that it'd be odd if he built such a relationship with spiderman for him to never show up again would be kind of OOC for him and if he appeared a few times and then stopped it wouldnt be as large of a send off for the character. 

Which is what this is, Tony essentially defeats the strongest character in series with conviction and intelligence. Having the foresight to create a detachable failsafe for the infinity stones and making the choice to use it to save the world from that huge army.  

Now its important to realize this isnt the same as a villian redeems himself and dies thing like darth vader. Tony had already grown so much as a person, he sacrificed a ton for the avengers and would have been justified if he threw that time machine plan into the lake. Nobody could guilt trip him or coerce him into returning if he himself didnt want to. And thats why it was so important that tony went ahead and helped everyone and that he made the choice. It wasnt redemption or the final steps of character development it was proof that his development had changed him into a more righteous and selfless person. Was it fair he had to use the snap before thanos got the glove back. No but it was the only way to save everyone he cared about. He dived on the grenade. 

This flows into the second part people have an issue with. Steve leaving the present to live a live with the girl he loved. Is it selfish? Yes I'd say it's somewhat selfish, steve doesnt tell anyone (expect presumably bucky based on the words he says) of his choice beforehand. This isnt character regression or him undoing his good traits though. This is a man finally getting to rest and live for himself after a lifetime of putting others first. Some may say this undoes his character arc of coming to terms with peggy's death in the winter soldier but Id argue for as much as steve grows during that movie in terms of his idealism vs skepticism with the government, he doesnt really move on. He carries her memory with him and imo this isnt bad. There arent different levels of moving on and cap isnt unable to function / unable to find joy in things but its a weight that he carries with him for the end of this saga and thats realistic, not every loss is overcome with the same strength. 

So after all he's done for others, when there is a chance for him to have the life he wanted all that time ago he takes it. In this world where he woke up a stranger, he was able to make connections and friendships with people and adjust but he always had that longing to go back. If there were others in his position I think many would choose the same option. (And as a quick aside for those saying peggy already has her work and has moved on and they dont want steve derailing her...steve is not the guy to slow someone hardworking down. I mean remember their dynamic from the 1st avenger, Peggy wouldnt take that shit and steve RESPECTS WOMEN too much to tell her to only focus on him)

I feel the bucky factor complicates a lot of people's feelings about the steve going back thing. Buckysteve shippers are clearly upset and I can't blame then for that. But I feel Bucky's role is an interesting case, they know each other well and bucky knows and wants what steve wants for himself. They've had sometime together and lots of trails and tribulations and their journeys are quite different now. Bucky is a former assassin with guilt over the fact but signs of starting to form new bonds with people. He's moving on from Cap and trying to refind hisnew identity. Thats not to say cap would be a crutch to him but I think steve knows that Bucky will be fine without him, thanks partially to the people steve has gotten to know and befriended. Either as a sidekick to Sam or the White Wolf to the black panther. He's spent a lot of time with T'challa and him finding a new purpose in a foriegn land could be an interesting side story or at least give him a mew set of purpose. 

Which brings us to why not bucky as the next captain? I dont think he'd take it. I think he's moved on enough from his life as a brainwashed assassin that he doesnt hold himself that accountable for it but he still wouldnt take the role. Sam is also hesitant but I dont think he has more issues besides it being huge shoes to fill while bucky actively wouldnt want the role and I think steve knew that.  

So to wrap up point no. 2 it is selfish of captain america but in a way where he honestly deserves the chance to live a normal live and the people closest to him are happy for him and are left in much better situations than they were before he met them. Peggy will still kick ladders and climb ass in the agency (and probably even stop hydra earlier) , bucky will grow as a person and find new purpose and the other avengers will have their own adventures but be happy for him when they find out the news. 

Had to get my thoughts out there because I loved the endings of the two character arcs, bittersweet as they were and I felt I had to get my feelings out on tumblr where the reaction to the two seems to be mixed at best. 

Thank you to anyone who read this entire thing, I didnt plan it to be thus long.  

[someobscurereference]

What do you think the best and worst case scenario would be for the Trio having to reveal their true identities, time travel and all?

My best case scenario reveal is the war is over, the countries are at peace, everyone is happy, and the Trio just decides to go ahead and tell everyone because they want the mages to work on possibly connecting their worlds… worst case scenario: They’re at the final battle, everyone is injured or dead, and Anonkos remembers and calls those yhree put before summoning a revived Grima, who has a major grudge against them for the parts they played in his defeat

This is a super difficult question because there are so many different scenarios for this to happen, and they all can definitely go one way or another! I would say your best case scenario is pretty neat! Your worst case scenario, I’m not so sure about Grima literally coming back to life realistically in-game (Unless it was a post Awakening timeline where Chrom struck the final blow on Grima instead of Robin and the two worlds are connected somehow, which actually!! Would be the absolute Worst Ending for sure!! So I think you win there!)

Hmm. Best case scenario… Probably exactly what you said? The war is over, everyone is accepted, truth is revealed (and also believed!), and maybe there’s a chance the Trio can return to Nohr some day even though dimension travel is pretty difficult/the crystal the Trio has only works once. I like that a lot! I’m weak for happy endings with no real complications, lol

Worst case scenario! Again, I feel like there are way more scenarios were things could go very wrong than I can list here. And some of them would probably definitely be worse than anything I say here. But within the confines of canon, I think… Probably a scenario were the war is going badly/everyone is very injured, like you said. Or at the very least, they’re all in a tight spot. And the truth comes out one way or another, and it doesn’t go well! As in, Xander and Camilla are very upset, and perhaps Leo straight up doesn’t believe anything without evidence?

Because in canon, when Laslow implies that “Laslow” is not his real name, he’s not from Nohr, has no past, etc. Xander does not like that at all.

Laslow: Well, you may have a hard time of it then. There are very few footprints of mine in this world, and none of them are old. Besides, I don’t know where you’d start with a false name and fake appearance.

Xander: What?

Laslow: …

Xander: Laslow… Are you…

Laslow: … Just kidding! I got you, didn’t I?

Xander: So, you think it’s fun to play pranks, do you? Very well. It appears as though you require stricter disciplinary action.

Laslow: What?!

Xander: I had planned to end your confinement today, but I think a change is in order. You are to report to my chambers at dawn tomorrow morning.

Laslow: What?! Please, no!

Xander: The more you protest, the longer your confinement will be. Understood?

Laslow: Yes, milord…

Keep in mind Xander is using the Distressed Character Portrait during this part of the exchange. And these supports are basically all about Xander punishing Laslow for disobeying him/making Xander come across as foolish via Laslow’s behavior. So there’s a good chance if the truth was exposed poorly, Xander would not be very understanding of it. Especially if theoretically this information could have helped Nohr/Hoshido fight against Anankos in the Revelations timeline! That’s technically valuable information they kept secret. (Even if we, the player, know the Trio would really know next to nothing and it’s mostly only their origins they’re keeping a secret). At the very least, he could argue, the Trio should have revealed Valla’s existence sooner since they’ve had a few years pre-war to do so. (Which! There are a lot of reasons why they wouldn’t be able to do that! But I imagine these things are said in anger)

Same with Camilla! She’s very possessive of her loved ones, and again, if the truth were revealed poorly, she might not take very well to being lied to for so long. Camilla has a slightly similar exchange with Selena in her A-Support, though not quite as obvious:

Selena: Of course, Lady Camilla. I would never leave you without fair warning.

Camilla: And I can hold you to that, yes?

Selena: What a question! Do you think I’d lie to you about this? About anything?!

Camilla: Ohohoho…no, never.

Earlier in the support, Camilla makes comments about how devoted Selena is and how good of a retainer she is for Camilla. So Selena’s “Do you think I’d ever lie to you about this? About anything?” vs Camilla’s “No, never” is a double edged sword. Because though Selena probably isn’t lying about telling Camilla if she had to leave and is always working for Camilla’s best interests, Selena definitely is lying about her origins, appearance, etc. So combined with the inevitable hurt of being lied to + the strategic reasons Camilla might be upset listed in Xander/Laslow’s example, Camilla might react very much in line with Xander here!

Leo is a bit of a strange case in that he very specifically doesn’t care about his retainer’s pasts? I tried to find the exact dialogue for that, but I know it’s been said before that Leo couldn’t care less about who Odin or Niles were before they met him.

If Niles or Odin bring something up first (for example, Odin mentioning Risen, Niles talking about his own vague memories), Leo may ask something out of curiosity based on what they’re saying. But he never pushes and straight up doesn’t seem to care in the slightest so long as Niles and Odin do their current jobs well. So this puts him in a slightly different position than Camilla and Xander in terms of how he views Odin not telling him the whole truth/using a fake name and appearance.

However, keeping information about your past is one thing and keeping information about an unknown but real enemy/ways to conquer that enemy are two separate things. I’m sure Leo could be swayed by his own sibling’s feelings, plus the general frustration of the situation they’re in if it’s going badly.

My happy ending loving heart wants to say given a little while to cool off, everyone would eventually understand why the Trio did what they did and how they really couldn’t say anything/reveal to the sibs anything about anything for so long. But! If they were separated at all or things took a turn for the worse before any reconciliation could be had, the friction between the Trio and their lieges could definitely worsen the situation/make everyone feel like real shit all around. Especially if they straight up aren’t believed about some things! “You lied about your name, so how can I trust anything you say?” Even Leo may be in disbelief because Odin is already known for exaggeration and stories. So the humiliation of not being believed even after the anger subsides would definitely bite too!

tl;dr My Worst Case Scenario in canon is the Trio being faced with anger and disbelief at the truth inadvertently coming out

[tumblunni]

I had a kinda weird but nice daydream last night. It was more of a daydream cos i was concious enough for it to make a little sense, but also drowsy enough that its a bit more incoherant and Edgy than my usual oc thoughts

I just got the sudden strong imagery of a guy walking through a destroyed town and all the dead people blossoming back to life as he passes

And i kinda thought a backstory for him maybe? He's an alchemist who devoted himself so much to honing his craft that he used himself as a test subject for all the most dangerous and heretical experiments and is now barely human anymore. One detail i could remember is that he had empty eye sockets that glowed, and sometimes spurted out into huge gushing tendrils of blue flame that twined around his head and wiggled like antennae. They'd kinda replaced his entire nervous system so if he wiggled them he could just sense all the facts about an object. Spirit sight or something? And probably some cool singular claw arm in a lopsided frankenstein aesthetic or something. Basically he's nothing more than Pure Poison Itself vaguely wrapped in a human shell. Like an undead look but more like a boneless husk whose skin has turned to cracked porcelain.

The backstory behind him making so many sacrifices for science is that his mum died of the plague when he was a vvery young child and he wants to become the world's best doctor who can save everyone from meeting the same fate. And he actually achieved his goal of defeating death itself, even if all he could do was turn himself into such an abomination that he can never die. Now he's travelling the earth trying to save people even though theyre all scared of him, while also trying to figure out which mixture of the million experiments he did on himself finally achieved this result.

I think maybe he can sorta partially manage to ressurect people? Like they come back as ghosts or skeletons or vampires or something. And he's all weeping with guilt that he's sentenced them to the same monsterous life as him but then a little kid hugs him for bringing her mom back. *sniff*

Also i think maybe he has a kid sidekick that he's sorta adopted as a little sibling? They were one of his earlier attempts to raise the dead, and they got ostracized by their parents for being unholy and stuff. So he adopted them, but he's always trying to find another family that can adopt them cos he feels like he isnt good enough. Also, ghost dog!! He accidentally spilled his magically-charged abomination blood onto his childhood pet's ashes and it came back in a spooply form! I just imagined his sheer unrestrained joy and weeping as the lil guy immediately recognises its owner all grown up and jumps up all happy like YOURE TALL NOW HEY HEY LETS PLAY! This poor dude needs a little relief from his angsty life honestly. I imagine him just running around super 100% hyperactive happy with this little pupper and adoptive sibling who's never seen him not being grumpy and sad is like "oh my god he's been replaced by aliens"

ALSO!! I WAS THINKING!! YES!! THE MUM DOES COME BACK!!

I was thinking that probably using his imperfect ressurection power costs a lot of his energy and he has a problem with being so self sacrificing he always ruins his health for the sake of others. He's like 'well i cant stay dead so i may as well die as many times as possible to help people'. Him coming home riddled with arrows and collapsing into a bloody pile at his sibling's feet and then in the morning when he's still stuck in bed sleeping off the enormous pain he cant understand what his sibling is upset about. Like he has no value in himself because he's so guilty that he hasnt finished the ultimate panacea yet. Disregarding the fact that nobody even asked him to, and he's already done so much to help so many peopke!! TAKE CARE O YOU SELF, BRO!!

Anyway, where was i?

Oh yeah! Well i was thinking maybe he was doing some mass healing in a town somewhere. Cos oh yeah even his regular cures for stuff are still made with his own blood. He's like a walking vessel for every poison ever made in this world or the worlds beyond. ELDRITCH ASPIRIN MAN! oh actually it could be a cool aesthetic to have him all bandaged up like an edgy anime character

WHERE WAS I

Oh yeah! Well he's super mega exhausted from expending all of his magical energy and working until the crack of dawn. So he's stumbling home down the same usual route, but he passes out halfway there. And then he wakes up to see his mother tucking him into bed and bringing chicken soup. Like "I DUNNO IF IT WORKS FOR MAGICAL SICKNESS I AM VERY CONFUSED OKAY" Turns out that just by pure coincidence he'd accidentally found the spot where the mass grave for plague victims was made back in the day. And he's extra super mega sick now cos he subconciously reached out to their souls and ressurected them in his sleep. And he's just weeping so much cos he thought he'd never find her and he's guilty he subjected her to a life of being an undead monster too, and he's like 'dont look at me ive changed so much you must be ashamed' and just MAXIMUM EMOTION OKAY!! And also 'oof ouch my everything' cos flailing around panicness aint good in your condition, dude!

So big happysad reunion and him having the longest most peaceful nap he's had in years, lost in distant memories of her reading him bedtime stories as a child. (Maybe even wakes up as she's reading a bedtime story to little sib, and gets so emotional he wakes them up with his sobbing?) And its not all perfect, there's a bit of a rift in the way of just being perfevt family again cos well its been so long and he's grown up and its basically like meeting a new person and starting over. Yet also with all the pressure of knowing how things used to be and being terrified of messing up. ALSO there are like fifty other zombies walking around outside confused as fuck! I think maybe the mum becomes the new mayor of a weird little shanty town that springs up overnight and the neighbours are all like 'what do we do with suddenly acquiring a new trade route with another city state' and also 'AAA ZOMBIES'. Complex futures await out heroes! But i have faith that this little awkward family will make it work!!!

[ifandomalot]

Fluff alphabet w/ Owen Grady

Attractive: (your most attractive feature to him and vise )

Owen's favorite part of you is your eyes. The both of you could be mid sentence, but not hearing a word. You have the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen in the world.

His chest. It's so broad and big, it's so fun to run your fingers down it, through the curly chest hairs.

Baby: (Does he want kids?)

He's a southern family man, he's always knew he wanted children ever since he was younger, but the moment just isnt right, especially with his job and the location.

But theres often nights, two of you spread across the bed and each other, talking about your future children, and baby names.

Cuddle: (How you cuddle)

Okay but owen is a cuddler, he likes being held, cuddling is a must at least once a day.

Cuddling is often owen laying down on the bed, your head against his chest, twirling the small curly hairs of his chest between fingers, listening to his heart thumping.

Dates: (Most dates are like..)

Most dates aren't anything special, due to the current living situation being the island left slim choices.

But somehow he would always find a way to make it special, it could be pizza, a movie or just a small walk for ice cream somehow it was turned into the most beautiful moments.

Everything: (You’re his everything)

Owen's soft finger dance across your cheeks, soaking in all the touch he could get. Eyes closed, small breaths falling from parted lips, he always loved how cute you look when you’re asleep. How pretty you looked when the sun would shine in between the curtains onto your face.

“You’re my everything.”

Feelings: (When he first realized he had feelings for you..)

It was pretty vanilla actually, you were an animal specialist at the park with an internship from school.

When another raptor was born you were sent to check if she was healthy, while pressing the stethoscope against her chest, a loud protective, "Who are you?"

You turned around nervous, not sure if you were in the right place, not wanting to mess up the one Job you were given, you looked at the brute man shyly. "I'm sorry am I not in the right place?"

All breath was knocked from Owen the moment you turned, greeted with a small shy smile, skimmed eyes. "I'm sorry sweetheart I didnt mean to scare ya."

Owen had what one would call love at first sight.

Gentle: (How gentle is he?)

Owen is a gentle as he can be. He's a working man, who honestly hasn't had the touch of a human in a while, sometimes hes a little rough which he'll apologize for over and over again.

For the most part he is very gentle never wanting to hurt you, only when you want of course tho.

Hand/Hold: (PDA)

If owen isnt holding your hand, or pressing his hand to the small of your back, it's not him.

Of course during working hours he'll keep it small, like a kiss goodbye or a kiss to the cheek.

At home he doesnt let you go, his hands and lips anywhere he can find.

Interest: (His interest in you..)

He always asks how your day went, what you did, or if he notices what is bothering you so much.

He always notices though, he will lay you down, fingers tangling your hair, "what happened today baby?"

Joker: (Funny stuff)

Together you and Owen are the biggest jokers around, always making fun of each other, laughing and telling jokes.

The prank wars are crazy, you two go to far on everything, water pranks and etc, you drive each other crazy but love it.

Kisses: (How he often kisses you…)

Owen is always kissing you.

His kisses are usually small but passionate and long.

He also has the tiny ones, against your forehead and cheeks, the ones from pure love.

Little Things: (A small thing he loves about you..)

Whenever you're confused, your head tilts

Memory: (Favorite memory of you..)

In the beginning of the relationship, only about 2 weeks in, owen was having a rough day with the Raptors, left his phone at home and on top of that, also forgot he had a meeting that he missed earlier in the day.

When he got home the main light shining through the windows. He lived alone..

He opened the door cautiously just in case of a home invader, but only was greeted with you sitting on his sofa, petting his golden retriever.

"I'm sorry." You mumble, "you weren't answering me, I thought you got eaten by the raptors."

A smile fills his features, just seeing you made the day seem worth it, that might have been the moment he knew he was falling in love with you.

"I wish they did at this point sweetheart."

Nickel: (Spoiling you..)

Owen wishes he could spoil you more, but he works with what hes got.

Not so much in money, but in affection. For no reason at all he'd draw you a hot bath, with candles and rose petals. It always makes you smile.

Or cook you your favorite meal.

Sometimes even letting you pick what to watch before bed. (which was a big deal for him)

Orange: (Favorite color..)

The color of your eyes, it was like any other, and will forever now be the only color he wants to see.

Petnames: (what he calls you..)

Owen usually calls you sweetheart or baby, sometimes babe (usually when hes in a lil mood)

You call him honey, hun, babe. You two rarely use each other names, only when you're mad.

Questions: (What he usually asks you..)

“How was your day sweetheart?” He never fails to ask you everyday, the moment he sees you after school, it always makes you smile.

"Do you have any idea how sexy you are?" Believe it or not but he says this at least once a week, he just likes reminding you.

Remember: (What does he remember?)

Owen forgets everything, you always texting him to remind him of small things, like doctor appointments, to get something at the store and etc.

He does remember special dates such as your birthday or anniversaries, also he tries extra hard to remember you saying you like or want something. Always guesses your shoe size and gets it right.

Sad: (What he does when he’s sad)

When owen is sad, he tends to push you away. He doesn't mean to but hes not good with feelings.

After a while he realizes that you're only worried, and will wrap his arms around you in a must needed hug.

Talking: (His talking..)

Peter doesn’t stop talking, it's nonstop. It's cute watching him ramble about stuff but sometimes you just want to choke him out because of it.

It could be serious or silly, he just wont stop even if you countlessly told him to shut up.

Untruth: (Truthfulness..)

Owen will always tell you the truth.

Even if he knows you dont want to hear it. He believes in sharing everything, and being truthful, expecting the same from you.

Volume: (Does he talk about you?)

He talks about you a lot

ACTUALLY ALL THE TIME

The person will literally be in another conversation and he'll still talk.

He just loves you and wants everyone to know.

Why: (Why he loves you..?)

Hes never met someone so full of adventure, and daring. You're so sweet to everyone, kindness it your best quality.

You're everything he could've hoped for in a girlfriend/wife.

X- Vision: (Does he know you?)

A word doesn't even have to be said, he can just tell by your face if something is wrong.

He knows you so well, he usually guesses what it is too (usually work)

You: (what you are to him…)

His life definitely wouldn't be the same without you, definitely not boring, seeing he lives on an island of dinosaurs, but very different.

You're his bestfriend, always there to talk, when he's sad or just had a long day.

You're his sunshine on a bad day

One person he shares everything with.

Zebra: (pets)

Obviously he loves animals. He loves his Raptors and his golden retriever Lucy.

You love animals as well and always ask for another puppy.

[darkgreiga]

Wishes, Dreams, and Memories Chapter 31

Fandom: Rune Factory 4 Rating: T (to be safe) Genre(s): Adventure, Hurt/Comfort Characters: Lest, Dolce, Pico, Amber, Dylas, Leon, Frey, Arthur, Margaret, Forte Summary:  She had a wish to see him again. He had a dream of her last moments. They had their memories of having only each other. The amnesiac Earthmate never knew that by bringing his best friend back wouldn’t make his daily life go back to normal. Nor did he know she was the key to his and his ancestors’ past. Chapters: list Navigation: <<prev   |   next>> Author’s notes: The first chapter of the last arc is here!

Chapter 31 – Calm after the Storm

-Lest’s POV-

After the battle, Kane managed to find us in the castle after he had gone to the cave to escort the Guardians out safely. Frey explained everything to us, about how the Guardian’s corruption could affect even Venti, and we also told everyone about our relation to Ethelberd and Halwell. The news was a surprise to them as much as it was a surprise to me. After all, we don’t even look like the Sechs emperors by the outside and inside.

Two weeks have passed since that day. I can’t tell whether the corruption is completely gone or not, but all I can tell is that Venti is doing a lot better than when the corruption was still at large. Frey isn’t staying in the castle with us anymore, but she still visits us at least once every two days. She still has duties to attend back in the capital, so she can’t stay longer than a few hours.

I’m starting to feel that she is a close sister to me, but on the other side I can still tell that she’s not telling us everything. None of the Guardians or Kane actually paid attention to Frey’s wound back then, expect for Dolly and Pico. She looked like she was aware of something about Frey, but for some reason, she’s keeping it from me. I can’t actually force her to talk about it, but the fact that she’s hiding something from me is bothering me somehow. Why can’t you just talk to me about it if it’s actually bothering you?

-Third Person POV-

“Sweetie, will you stop staring at me?” the sound of his wife snapped Lest out of his trains of thought, realizing that Dolce was standing in front of him.

“Oh, sorry,” Lest shook his head to make sure that he was completely awake before putting his hoe over his shoulder, “Well, I’ll be working in the fields for the time being so let Frey know when she drops by to visit.”

“I will,” Dolce nodded before giving him a peck on the cheek, “Work hard, okay?”

Dolce watched as Lest left for the fields before Pico popped in front of her, “Are you sure about this, Dolly? Shouldn���t you say something about it to him?”

“No,” Pico followed Dolce closely as the two of them headed for the kitchen, “I need to be certain about the facts first. What we’re thinking now is just the conclusion we come into after we looked at her wound.”

“You’re scared, aren’t you milady?” Pico’s words made the Guardian stop her activity, “You know how it feels to lose a family… well, both of us do.”

Dolce let out a sigh as she turned to Pico with a frown, “He’ll know the truth sooner or later. I don’t want him to think that I’m hiding everything from him.”

Pico let out a sigh and smiled, “I think you’re worrying too much, Dolly. A bit more than usual, I guess,” Pico watched her friend working in the kitchen, “I guess I can see how much your love for Lest had changed my Dolly!”

A blush appeared on the Guardian’s face as she continued cooking, “S-Shut up!”

Lest let out a tired sigh before he admired his handiwork on the field, which was completely clean of garbage from the storm two weeks earlier. Crop seeds were planted on the tilled field and they had already been watered. His job on the field was finished and it was time for him to do his work in town.

Just as Lest was putting down his tools at the edge of the field, a scroll fell out from his pocket. He picked up the fallen scroll and the emblem of the Sechs Empire was visible on the scroll’s paper. A frown came to his face as he remembered the scroll’s contents when it was first given to him.

-Flashback-

“So…” Lest spoke up to Arthur and Kane as the three of them were in Arthur’s office, “The empire is requesting me to be the acting emperor?”

“Yes,” Kane nodded as he rolled the scroll he was holding and handed it over to Lest, “Lord Halwell still hasn’t awakened after a week of recovery even after getting help from the best doctors.”

Arthur turned to Lest, “It would be sad to see you go, but I will not force you to go if you wish to stay.”

Lest turned back to Kane, but stared at him for a moment before speaking up, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

“No, I understand,” Kane responded with a smile, “The higher ups only requested for you because of your relation to Lord Ethelberd, but they never forced me to take you back.”

“Speaking of which,” Arthur interrupted, getting Kane’s attention, “How is the empire doing currently?”

“Much better than when everyone was corrupted, that’s for sure,” Kane replied with a shrug, “Everyone remembers what happened, but they don’t really know why it happened. Other than that, the corruption in the empire seems to have disappeared without a trace.”

“I see,” Arthur nodded in understanding, “If there is anything else we can do to help, please let us know.”

“Of course,” Kane nodded, “My main purpose for coming here is to deliver the scroll, but I’ll tell the higher ups that you can’t take Lord Halwell’s place.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later,” Lest waved the soldier goodbye as he left the office.

-End of Flashback-

“The acting emperor?” Ventuswill asked as Lest showed her the scroll in the dragon room, “Hey, I guess I’m right about you being royalty after all!”

Lest let out a laugh, “Don’t be too proud on it, Venti. You need to remember who my father was.”

“I know,” Ventuswill paused for a moment as she stared at the wall, “Speaking of Ethelberd, I think I recall hearing something when I was still in the forest. I know that I recognize that voice, now I remember that it was him.”

“Wait,” Lest looked at the dragon god in surprise, “You met him in the Forest of Beginnings?”

“Not exactly meeting in person, though,” Ventuswill put her claw under her jaw as she tried recalling the encounter, “I can only hear his voice saying that he won’t surrender until all Earthmates perish.”

“Can he still be alive in there? And corrupting people into doing things they shouldn’t do?” Lest asked.

“No,  that won’t be possible,” Ventuswill shook her head, “Humans can’t stay and live in there for a long period of time. If a person stays there for longer than they should have, their body will soon break into runes. Even so, the soul would still remain in there forever unless there’s a special case that they’re resurrected.”

“Just like what happened to you,” Lest added, “But if his soul is still there, can he do any harm to the world?”

“Hm…” Ventuswill went back to her thoughts, but nothing came into her mind, “I’m not sure, but I think it’s very unlikely.”

“I hope so…” Lest let out a sigh, “This corruption thing just happens to come and go without a reason and a trace. I just wish that there’s a clue somewhere so that we can prevent it in the future…”

“And then, he ran around the house in panic while yelling that there was a deadly scorpion in the house!” Frey and Pico broke out into laughter while Dolce simply chuckled as she sipped on her tea.

The three girls were hanging around at the castle’s balcony with Frey telling stories about the siblings’ daily lives in the past. Two plates of flan were sitting on the table untouched as the three were busy talking. Pico was completely taken into the conversation, but Dolce had noticed that her guest hadn’t touched either her tea or her flan.

There was a single question she had been meaning to ask Frey and her observation prompted her to pop the question right away, “Before we hear more of those stories, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“Sure, we can talk while you have your flan,” Frey responded as she simply looked at her share of flan.

“Okay,” Dolce took her share of flan, but the scent of her favorite meal suddenly made her feel weird in the stomach, “Ugh…”

“Are you okay Dolly?” Pico saw as Dolce put a hand on her mouth before shaking her head.

“I’m fine…” Dolce uncovered her mouth before taking a spoonful of flan, only have the weird feeling on her stomach come back, “Not again…”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Frey asked worriedly as she took the flan from Dolce’s hands, “You look kind of pale.”

“I’m… okay… ugh…” Dolce quickly rose from her seat and ran inside, heading straight towards the bathroom.

“Is she sick or something?” Frey turned to Pico.

“That would be my best guess…” Pico turned to the barely touched desserts, “Dolly really loves sweets like flan and cakes, but she’s been avoiding them for the past week for some reason.”

“Hm…” Frey tapped her chin as she was thinking, “I don’t think she’s suddenly become bored of eating her favorite dishes…”

“That’s impossible. There’s no way she’s going to give up on her all-you-can-eat cake routine every-” Pico was silenced with a single talisman landing over her mouth.

“You’re saying too much,” Dolce had just returned from the bathroom, but her face told the other two that she wasn’t feeling that much different than before, “Sorry for that interruption.”

“I don’t mind, but I don’t think you look well at all,” Frey replied worriedly, “I’ll tell Lest about your condition when I see him, so why don’t you two just stay home until he gets back?”

Dolce let out a defeated sigh, “That… might be the best…”

Lest let out a tired sigh as he pushed the castle door open while carrying an extra paper bag with him. With Dolce taking her temporary leave from her evening shift, he decided that it might be best for them to eat dinner at home to let her rest at home. With the ingredients in the paper bag put in the kitchen, Lest left for his room to check on Dolce.

Lest had expected the female Guardian to be asleep with Pico watching over her, the scene he saw was Dolce knitting on the bed with a terrified Pico at the edge of the bed, “I’m… home…?”

“Oh, welcome back Sweetie,” Dolce put her knitting aside and greeted Lest with a smile as she approached her, “How was work today?”

“More or less the usual, I guess…” Lest’s attention was focused on Pico as he let Dolce took his backpack off him, “More importantly, what happened to Pico?”

“Just a simple argument between us,” Dolce replied, completely ignoring the fact that Pico was still in the room, “Are you going to prepare dinner tonight?”

“Yeah,” Lest nodded, “I was planning to make your favorite cake today, so-”

“I want… something else, if that’s okay…” the attention of the other two in the room shifted to her, “I want… some fried veggies…”

The room became completely silent with Pico hovering in front of her with the look of disbelief, “Did I hear that right? Dolly, you never liked eating any kind of vegetables!”

“I’m kind of surprised too,” Lest added, “But if that’s what you want, I guess I need to head out to buy the missing ingredients…”

“Alright,” Dolce nodded, “Sorry for the trouble.”

The two watched as Lest left before Pico turned back to Dolce, “Are you sure you’re fine milady? Do you need Jones to check your condition?”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Dolce let out a sigh before she went back to her knitting, “You’re being a lot more stubborn today. Do you want to be wrapped in talismans again?”

“N-No, please don’t do that again to me!”

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[placebomind]

Every year on tumblr people talk about how sucky the year has been and that’s true but I’m not gonna forget the good things.

Tagged by @cinnamintts tyty

sorry if this annoys anyone but im not doing anything tonight so might as well look back on the year in a positive light!

January - This year I started of playing a lot of video games! I remember playing the multiplayer of portal with my close friend Theo and i was also playing loz:oot on my own time. I also had a crush on theo at this time, mostly mistaking my love for him as a friend (of 5 years) as romantic attraction. my apes class also had a field trip to the smithsonian museum of natural history and i love that place. So.... i started the year off pretty well

February - Honestly, I cant remember much... but my sister had come visit me in maryland for spring break (she goes to dental school so her breaks are earlier). and i remember trying to show her bf this game called papers please and it was cool, i guess. my apes class went on another field trip to the national aquarium in baltimore, which was really fun because i got to see really cool animals and spend time with my close friends. also i got my first college acceptance to UMD: College Park! 

March - this is when all the college decisions started rolling in... and to be honest, i didnt get into any of my top colleges (hopkins & usc) so my soul was a little crushed (but im good lmao). I got into some really good colleges, which i try not to brag about but im definitely proud of myself for working so hard in school.

April - nothing really happened besides non-stop studying for APs the next month. by studying, i mean i only studied for BC calc and gave up on all my other APs lmao. but also this month I had a field trip for my anatomy class and a bunch of the medsci kids at my school. we went to an anatomy gift registry near baltimore and we got to see real human organs up close. we even got to see a body. i dont think i learned anything, but it was an experience to die for. it was crazy to see how we can damage our bodies whether its shattering your skull after drinking and driving, smoking, drinking, or whatever else we do to harm ourselves. i guess it was an eye opener, but honestly it hasnt stopped me from doing the shit i do.

May - this was the month of aps! and prom! and my final month of high school! as soon as aps were over, i had prom and..... i didnt have a great time. its pretty stupid because i thought theo was gonna ask me to prom (and he was), but another girl showed immediate interest in him and that was it... anyways, i went to prom with nicole, my best friend, and ana, a friend, mostly because we sat next to each other in bc calc. i kinda wish i had a bigger group of friends in high school to go with, but i guess its over with. also school ended, so it meant tea-do trips whenever i wanted. I made new friends at the end of the year, as i always do and could never keep in touch with them. anyways i have a lot of good memories associated with the end of the school year. from painting ceiling tiles, spending hours at teado with evi because it had become our place, and feeling the comfort of familiarity of olney and rockville.

June - this month was wild.... so uh first time getting high, graduation, and first kiss with a boy, sex with a boy, then first kiss with a girl then sex with her also?? I feel like i lived my teen recklessness phase all in the month of june. i also spent the summer with my dad in philly, but my dad and i arent close but i know hes a good man. graduation was kinda horrible, but lets not dwell on that. lets talk about that girl lmao so she was my summer, i sorta regret it but at the same time, i learned a lot about myself over the course of the summer while being with her.

July - so mild heartbreak happened here, again not dwelling on this. anyways, i went back to maryland to visit my friends, and i got to see evi, nicole, abbey, family, and some other people for the last time in maryland. its crazy the last time i saw my friends was july. probably the fondest memory i have is hanging out with evi the day before she flew to vietnam. we went to teado then we went to this bargain second hand bookstore and it was really cool! i also went to a bunch of places with nicole, including rio and we got puffles together. and i even went with her to get her first tattoo along with her sister and another friend from hs. when i got back to philly, my sister and i spent the day in princeton, nj and honestly it was so beautiful, wish i was smart enough to go there :p

august - so this was another rollercoaster of a month. so i got asked to be that girl’s (from june) gf. and i basically talked to her all summer and it was so up and down. it was hard but i was happy. and so i went to see her a handful of times and this girl ends up breaking up with me at the end of the month so that was gr8. 

september - this month was absolute shit because i basically got cut off bc my mom figured out i was gay .-. but uh i met nicole! (a different one from the one i mentioned earlier) and yeah shes the good thing that came out from this month! we became fast friends and yeah shes one of my new friends in california. and im very glad to have met her!! <3

october - i got my first real job scooping ice cream at baskin robbins. and honestly its waaaay more work than you think it would be. but im still working there now and its gotten way easier and i dont get yelled at as often anymore. i went to a halloween party and met some of nicoles friends and theyre pretty cool people.

november - so the only thing i can really remember was a friendsgiving i went to. and met more new people and yeah! 

december - my birth month ayeeee. this hasnt been a great month but one thing that i got to do was hang out with my best friend from when i was 11. we had lost touch a long time ago and honestly she isnt my favorite person, but its nice to see a familiar face and we have so many memories and im an extremely nostalgic person.

Tagging @soshimochi @indie-introvert @floweryqueenofhell @emmasato @fluorescent-starss @irockbequiet @diamondandthemarlnas and @ anyone else who wants to do this

[sakuurae]

8 questions tag

tagged by the lovely @jaetennys ^~^ thank you, darling 💖

1) What are your favourite mvs?

Oooo, my favorite music videos. Hmmm... I really like ‘don’t fight’ by ants, ‘사랑해줘요’ by mind u, and ‘take you home’ by baekhyun. Im not really a fan of busy (if that is the right word to use) mvs, ahaha. I like them simple with nice lighting, and telling a short story.

2) do you have like a to-do-list before you die?? (like a bucket list) if so, can you list them down? (im really curious)

Ohhh, yes i do!! Haha, i actually have one written down in one of my notebooks, and its quite long so ill just name a few things. Some things id like to do would be going to tokyo with my friends, go on an endless shopping spree with my friends, have our fashion blog be eminent, and to finish writing an entire novel one day (this would be a dream, ehehe).

A lot of the things in my bucket list include activities my friends, haha, because, for me, the best things in my life are never done alone *~*

3) which one do you prefer; romantic love or platonic love? why?

Hmmm...  honestly, romantic love. In my opinion, of course, its more fun in my opinion and i enjoy the whirlwind of emotions that come from it. From being physically close and cuddling, hand-holding, the narrow focus to them solely in a specific admirable perception—just being intimate and having the deep feeling that is created form romantic love—piques my interest more.

 Though, there isnt anything wrong with platonic love either! I enjoy that as well, but i prefer romantic love.

4) who is the person you look up the most? why?

Prepare for absolute cheese, lmao. I look up to taeyong a lot—no surprise here. But its because of what he went through and how he dealt with it. He went through a lot of fire when he finally debuted, and witnessing the crumble of the pillars that held him up confidently made my heart break. I really admire how he handled the drama. It exhibits a growth he has gone through amid that arduous time period. And, honestly, i related to some fractions of it—of him as a person.

But it is not only that factor alone that makes me look up to him; it is also his drive to become a better dancer, rapper—person. I also enjoy how he takes care of all of his members ;~; he makes it so prominent that he cares for his friends and its very respectful. Hes just always thankful for his members and for everything, its aksdjgfh aghhhh.

What always sticks with me about him is the episode (i dont remember which) in ‘nct life: pep rally’ to which he talks about the controversy that surrounded him. What he says really sparked something in me—dunno, i think im just rambling at this point so ill cut this off here lmaoo.

5) favourite songs of all time?

Aaaah, this really is a difficult one. My favorite songs probably are ‘icarus’ by jj project, ‘what i want to say’ by acourve, ‘i smile’ by day6, and ‘the lovely song when we parted’ by mind u.

I wonder if i make it obvious enough, but i really love listening to k-indie/k-acoustic :) my true list of all-time favorites are on my spotify playlist thats filled with them, ahaha.

6) who is/are your bias? why?

Oh boy... My biases are taeyong and sicheng—as if this information is not written on the walls already, haha.

I literally dedicated a huge passage to a fraction of my love for taeyong earlier, and that heavily contributes to why. But pushing that to the side, i admire him for his talent in dancing, rapping, and everything. He is so resilient and that is a favorable quality in my eyes, aaah. His personality is really laudable as well :)

Sicheng... because he is equally meritorious. He traveled over to korea and had to learn an entirely new language, try his hardest to debut, and so much more. He is doing is best and, just like taeyong, he is putting his best effort out there and is growing :’) i also love how he treats his members too; he is just so lovable to everyone, its almost unbelievable.

7) list of things/people that makes you happy?

- Writing is an obvious answer for me to include, haha. Its a great way to start off my day and a good way to calm myself down from a taxing day. I also enjoy sharing the content i create with others, ahaha;

- Reading is also another element. Every morning i read for a good hour or two before i begin writing. I just sit there with my coffee and leaf through my book. It would be an even more perfect day if the weather is nice and warm;

- Going out with my friends. To be honest, i used to never leave the ensconcement of my bedroom; i would say inside and read, write, or just organize my books and closet. It isnt until around a month and a half ago (i think) where my friends have finally egged me to go out with them (i also believe i posted pictures on this blog of it ahaha) and i enjoyed it wholeheartedly. Now, i go out almost every single day with them, and sometimes on my own. I feel like the complete opposite!!! But it makes me really happy, huhu;

- The friends i made on this website makes me really happy. I mean i dont have much but i appreciate the couple that i do have with my entire heart. Knowing them for a short amount of time is unbelievable because it feels like ive known them for years, and everything has been compacted within the month or two we all started to talk. The closeness is really astonishing, but extremely refreshing! I can go on for a while about how appreciative i am and how happy they make me, especially on days where i feel a little down and talking to them normally uplifts my spirits, but i think this will suffice;

- Coffee. The root of my energy tbh. Keeps me going throughout the day and keeps me on my feet during dance, even though i might be too off-the-walls.

8) what are your fondest memories? (it can be anything! about your pet or your friends etc)

Oh boy, this can go on forever too so ill just write the first one that came to my mind.

It was thanksgiving night with my cousins and we snuck out. Skipping over the minor, stupid particulars, we were being chased by one of the neighbors and we started running away for a good five minutes, which resulted in us becoming lost (because we were at our uncle’s city [and we never visit that town]) at a park.

Afterwards, we sat around on the grass for a long while and started to talk for a long while. It was strange at first since we were never really close to one another, but that night was such a table turner. It was one in the morning and we were all sitting or laying on the grass, talking as we stared at the stars—surprisingly, because i havent seen a clear night sky in the city since i lived over at the country side—and we learned a lot about each other and why we differed, which made us argue a lot. Talking it over for hours, our relationship with each other substantially changed and it was like there was never thick air between us to begin with.

Im not sure if this is adequate enough to be an extremely fond memory; but in my book, it is :D i frequently recall this moment despite it occurring many years ago—because it is that life-changing for me. It sort of made me think that despite the negativity i face with others, the other party always has their own reason to why.

I hope this tag is okay! ^~^ i feel like i revealed a larger fraction of myself than what i usually do, ahahaha //profoundly sweats//.

Im tagging @urbanjohnny @writenct @heartachetosing @hey-uta @thenctcults!  I hope its okay to tag you guys, please dont feel obligated to do this if you feel zero desire to ^~^  

My questions for you:

1. Whats your favorite book, and why?

2. What is a good, life changing moment that always sticks with you?

3. Do you believe in astrology? Why?

4. What’s something you have been forced into (like an activity or class) in the belief you would hate it, but actually love it to this day?

5. Name three things you’re proud of in your life and why :D

6. What is the root of your happiness? How did you discover it?

7. Do you prefer clear, serene starry nights within a forest, or an ocean view during golden hours?

8. What’s one thing that not many people know about you?

Again, you dont have to do this if you have zero desire to!! Ehehe