#also mental health resources tend to suck

[docmerlin]

having a generally positive self image while being considered a failure by society's standards is a rlly interesting life to live. like no i don't feel guilty that i can't work, i have 0 shame about not being in a romantic relationship or getting married. but it is immensely frustrating that my life would be infinitely easier if i had the desire and the ability to do these things. it's not a personal failure that i can't do these things, it's a failure on society's part that i can't seem to survive without them 🤷

not to mention when i talk about how silly those standards are, people insist i MUST be ashamed of myself and have low self esteem since THEY feel so negatively about me. it's like people are jealous and think i'm coasting through life just because i don't hate myself

[hope-ur-ok]

What are ur top 3 strengths and 3 weaknesses ur working on

I think my top 3 strengths are

being a fast learner - if you teach me something I'll make a little guide to refer back to should I need it and I typically only need to be taught once cause I self correct

caring a lot about other people - this feels self explanatory but I just think people deserve happiness so I try to be empathetic and treat everyone with kindness even if I don't like them

I'm also creative - I don't just mean this in like an art kind of way either, like I'm very resourceful

My biggest weakness is my atrocious mental health but that's like a medical condition at this point so I'll pick 3 things that I actually am working on as like personal goals

communication - I really suck at it and my anxiety spikes cause I fear say/doing something wrong

I'm also not great at letting things go - I tend to fixate on things and have them occupy a lot of my mind

last would be the fact that I constantly feel like a failure - which is the one my therapist has been focusing on with me cause it's not productive to feel like you can never do anything right

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

hi! if you've seen this post on another blog, i apologize. i promise it is not spam, i am just trying to find as much information about this as i can with limited resources (and i, quite honestly, do not feel like typing out this behemoth of a paragraph in new ways 50 different times /lh /nm). i'm looking for some advice regarding a relationship issue occurring with my and my partner, and even if you don't have any advice, just reading over it is greatly appreciated. :) so me and my boyfriend are both neurodivergent (i have autism & adhd, he just has adhd) and we both have different hyperfixations right now. i am someone who struggles to communicate when it comes to things i am not fixating on at the moment, that aren't special interests, or that i don't know much about, and currently we don't have the same hyperfixation right now. i'm also experiencing burnout and taking in new information is probably not a good idea right now, including much about their fixation.

mine is one that means a lot to me, and i actually associate a lot with them and happy times with them, but they are starting to associate it with bad times, and while they enjoy it, they don't fixate on it very much, and haven't for a while. they'll make sure that i know that while they aren't as into it anymore, they still love to hear me talk about it. my brain tends to hear that and see it as "i don't like it any more, and i never will again, and i really don't care to talk about it".

on the other end, my boyfriend is fine with enjoying their fixation on their own, but constantly feels as though if they talk about it, they're doing something wrong, and that there will always be a language barrier in between us due to it. they are down and determined to want to just "suck it up" and just throw out their interests all together and just try to make themselves enjoy mine again, but i asked them not to for their own mental health.

we both have trauma regarding people not taking our interests seriously, or not being able to share them in a healthy way, so we're struggling a lot with trying to find ways to communicate and talk with them in a healthy way. we both have the wish that we could just fixate on the same thing at the same time, like we did before with mine, and be happier that way and have less issues, but i'm not sure if that's going to happen for a while now.

i tried looking into resources about this, but as you could probably expect, there are none. so, i'm trying to go around tumblr and ask for advice from fellow neurodivergent people and see if they can help. neither of us want to hurt each other and are aiming to make it equally fair for both of us, but its just extremely hard for us to know how to do that without help. i would reach out to a therapist, or a counselor, and a. i am in the process of getting a temporary counselor, and b. because of my current home situation, therapy isn't a very feasible option at this moment.

i appreciate you taking the time to read this, and i apologize for the garishly long message. i know this probably sounds childish but its a lot of the only things we have right now due to my home situation, so we're trying to find ways to help it as best as we can.

i hope you have a great day, and both me and my boyfriend greatly appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Hi there,

This situation is very complicated for me to give some advice. I’ll post this anyway in case anyone has any advice.

I’m very sorry I can’t help. But I’m hoping someone can share some advice.

Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ♥️

[tirsynni]

I was just reminded of something and thought I should share, although I feel like I’m inviting wrath by doing so:

Always remember that when it comes to mental health, there’s no singular answer to anything. Also remember that, when it comes to mental health, you’re not looking for something which is going to SOLVE your mental health: you’re looking for tools which can help you deal with it. As such, those tools tend to be highly individualized, because mental health is, by nature, highly individualized.

Medication is helpful because it can have a direct impact on neurological/chemical/etc. issues. For some people, it’s a literal life saver. However, for some people, it can be tricky to use or obtain. In many instances, it can help only partially, especially if you are limited regarding what medication you can take and use and access. 

When it comes to mental health, just think of everything as tools in your toolbox. Everyone’s toolbox will look different. I remember a while ago on tumblr (and honestly, it might still be a thing, but I’ve worked hard to avoid unnecessary online stressors) that there was a furious backlash regarding people suggesting things like exercise and meditation to help with mental health issues. Part of the reason for the backlash was idiots pushing these things as a cure, like that fucking meme showing a picture of a forest as medication. There have been so many studies on how being in nature can greatly assist physical and mental health. In some cases, if the mental health issue isn’t because your brain hates you but because your life circumstances suck, changes in lifestyle and being out in nature and such can dramatically help. However, not only is it not an option for people, it is an insane simplification of an issue and ignores the diversity of neurological issues.

(For some people, they reacted so angrily about it because they wanted to minimize their participation in their own mental and physical health. Claiming that medication and medication alone was the answer is a great way to avoid actively addressing the issue. It’s a type of protective helplessness: if the problem can’t be solved or can only be solved in one singular fashion, then they are free from the responsibility of changing their actions/lifestyle/etc. You also see this in people who complain about their phones being monitored but want to keep Facebook/Instagram/Tiktok/etc. apps on their phone because it’s easier. If it’s just how it is, then they are free from personal responsibility regarding the problem.)

Medication for some people can actually solve a problem, depending on what that caused that problem. For many other people, it can be a tool. Exercise for many people, especially individuals with ADHD, can be an excellent tool. Meditation? Diet changes? Yoga? All excellent tools. When someone recommends something like exercise, don’t snap at them immediately. Find out their thought process. If they’re recommending it as a tool, cool! Maybe they’ll have more insight! If they recommend it as a cure? Try to be brave and not smack them. (Unless they have a Nazi tattoo. Then knock them the fuck out.)

As these are tools, though, they can only be helpful if you can use them. For some people with ADHD, running is fantastic. ADHD brains love it! If you have a physical impairment, though, it’s a useless tool and needs to be discarded. Find individualized tools which work for you. Find good resources which offer objective suggestions for tools. My doc recommended the book ADHD 2.0 for me and it was amazing for offering different tools and why they were helpful. Make sure the person isn’t pushing for something, though, and that the person actually knows what they’re talking about and isn’t some variant of a Titktok influencer. 

Does being surrounded by plants help you relax? Great! They’re a good tool! Knowing you need a certain amount of alone time to recharge? Excellent. Add it to the list. Exercise helps but you can only do limited kinds? Figure out what kinds. Gardening? Writing? Whatever. Know what tools work for you.

Also, know what tools, no matter how popular they are or how well they work for others, don’t work for you. Having a healthy diet is awesome! But it’s far too easy for people to make it into a noose. It should be about giving your body (and mind and mood and whatever) what it needs, not as a form of punishment or self-harm. If having a healthy diet helps but you have a history of eating disorders? Then in the end, it’s more harmful than helpful. My body hates medication, so people love suggesting things when I can’t even take Nyquil. There are also times when something is a helpful tool but you have to be careful about abusing it. You need alone time for your mental health? So do I! Having too much alone time opens you up to depression, anxiety, etc.? You need to monitor it.

If possible, try to figure out how much of your mental health problems are based on external factors. Right now, many people are struggling with depression and anxiety, among other things, due to external factors. In some cases, you might be able to address it. For example, is the problem caused by a toxic person you can cut out of your life? Good time to explore how to do so. Is it an economic issue? Might not be as easy of a fix, but at least recognizing the source is helpful. There might be solutions or helpful paths but they’re more long-term than short-term. Recognizing that something is a long-term problem and won’t be solved immediately is a helpful mental health tool: it lets you remind yourself that yes, it’s going to hurt you today and tomorrow and next week and such, but you know that and you know to prepare for it and you won’t be as badly hurt tomorrow when the problem is still there tomorrow when you really hoped that you would wake up in the morning and it would be gone. It lets you build resilience, which is one of the most important mental health tools of all.

Personalize your toolbox. What works for you might not work for others and vice versa. Keep your toolbox up-to-date, as a tool that previously worked might not help now. Be wary of when a tool becomes more harmful than helpful. It is also helpful to make sure you have back-up tools and a good understanding of your resources, just in case. Always remember that just because something is trendy, popular, etc. doesn’t mean it’s helpful. For example, the sheer amount of people who damaged their internal organs, endangered their lives, and endangered the lives of their loved ones because they were anti-vaccine but pro-horse medication.

[yournewfriendshouse]

for real!

like so much this. I sort of learned not to try and ‘trinity, Get. Up.’ my way out of bed by like the fifth year with this illness, but for years afterwards I would to lay in bed running what amounted to battle sims in my head as I went over and over what I was going to do when I got up and how I would tackle activities, and what I could be doing with those boxes that need to be sorted or whatever else; and I’d just go over and over and over problems in my head because I felt guilty or frustrated with not being able to do them and…that sucked for so many reasons

when I realised that thoughts and especially problem solving used so many calories I was like woag

because I realised the circles I would think myself into while stuck in bed just going round and round in my head were in fact burning a huge amount of energy that I needed to be able use to do things like brush my teeth and comb my hair…or like eat…every day so I was just taking energy and fucking burning it and also stressing myself out (which of course made the energy disappear quicker)

so yeah, for real actually:

laying there and punishing yourself with Thoughts™ while you’re in your very essential rest times is not only terrible for your overall sense of self and mental health, but it is also physically actually really wasting your precious energy that you need for other things

we tend to disconnect our thoughts from our body when we talk about them, but like our brain is a physical organ that uses resources to run, and remembering this has helped me so so much

when you’re resting let your brain rest too. you aren’t like…helping anything by trying to brute force shit with your brain when your bod is wrecked, just try and think about fun things or things that help you relax and tackle everything else when you get up

chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be gentler with your bodymind.

[sereniv]

vegans have to remember that from a non vegans perspective, we are a mariad of different definitions most of which are negative. and that within those definitions, is us being people who want to take away something that is part of their life

I think thats why ive gravitated more towards focusing on the non vegan aspect of veganism than the full on Earthling Ed approach. As in focusing on tradition, religion, and the possible and practical part instead of just trying to switch to more plant based eating.

Because its easy to spit the facts and provide resources and find alternatives, but i feel theres no active support and conversation for people who "cant go vegan". there is, but its nothing concrete and big. just individual conversations

Like someone who has a religion who requires the killing or use of an animal, or a tradition or a culture.

I just feel like these people are alienated, even though they are talked about in reference AND there are vegans who fall under that category of course. but because white/cis/straight/rich/abled types of ppl tend to get more focus, it drowns out everyone else out and even though i KNOW veganism is diverse sometimes it doesn't feel like it. then again, im only on tumblr

but i also feel the alienation can come from the non vegan too, with no willingness to have a conversation and figure these things out. but its also understandable like i said in the first paragraph.

obviously if the talk was with me, id have someone tell me their situation and it would be more about them talking and me listening, since i wouldnt be in the same identity as them and therefore cant have that "same hat" convo people have within their own community

- but also there NEEDS to be a place or network of different marginalized identities so that non vegans can talk with vegans of their same culture/religion/etc.

and i mean im just on tumblr so im limited in what i see. so maybe this exists?

idk how to explain this properly. i just never see anyone double down on these, and focus on people who's best includes animal products, like i do (not saying im better for doing that, i just feel odd one out)

i feel that the more symapthy and understanding for those situations would help drive out the people who claim to be vegan but arent. to get rid of people who try and say veganism is 100% plant based, who shit on others and are racist with their veganism.

to really drive in the importance of "possible and practical" and checking in with yourself and being honest with yourself.

idk there just needs to be...MORE.

i feel there is an emotional/mental/spiritual aspect not talked about enough.

i was watching Earthling Ed and this one guy said that the only options on campus were tofu and it was gross. now with the rest of the video, this guy probably doesnt try hard to find other options.

But i sympathize. But Ed said that theres always options and basically said that he could choose the tofu

But im thinking, what if the only option was mushrooms. I either eat that or dont eat. Now i wouldn't eat animal products, but mushrooms make me gag. I would dread looking forward to eating. it would ruin my day. it would drain me, and thus it wouldnt be practical for me to keep trying to eat it bc of them varying affects it has on my health (mentally or emotionally)

which may seem extreme, but you wouldnt get to say that someone in that situation can just suck it up. there has to at LEAST be sympathy and understanding.

now for someone else if they chose chicken instead, is it worth the life of a chicken? No, but it also shouldnt be at the expense of your wellbeing. This is why we tell people who have ED's who cant eat plant based, to focus on their wellbeing. because its all goes off of situation by situation. Its not about "the life of a chicken for aomeone who has an ED" its about doing your best within the situation you have, and to focus on doing what is necessary for you, and try and avoid unnecessary harm.

And if youve exhausted all other options then i dont think anyone can blame you. Because who is anyone to say that its possible for you to eat the tofu? Whos to say its possible for you to do something you say you cant do? We have to trust people with what they say and work with them, even if they are lying.

Thats why there needs to be symapthy and encouragement of self reflection. And to do that often. check in with yourself every month and ask if maybe you can change something that you couldn't before

idk. i just never see ppl focus on this as much as i do and i keep wondering if im like idk. wrong for it?

and to be clear, when i talk about religion or culture im talking about the individual. Because within every religion or culture i assume, there are going to be people who view it differently. Religion and culture can be personalized while also being a community. i mean cultures change and religions change and its usually bc of one person. this is NOT to say we should aim to change an entire culture or religion, just simply stating that just because someone is from a religion or culture doesnt mean they cant..idk the word..go over their views and stance and see if theres room for change. like "do i actually believe this, or would an alternative work?" and sometimes they come to the conclusion that there can be no change, and sometimes they find things they can change. both are fine

So while culture and religion as a whole are not valid reasons to cause unnecessary harm (unnecessary being individually defined. this is about animal use only), individuals within that culture or religion get to decide whether its necessary or not

Because otherwise youre talking about pushing colonialist ideas and genocide, if you are to say that killing an animal isnt necessary for someones spiritual connection to their religion or culture. Or to say that wearing an animal isnt necessary for a ceremony. Because even though a life is taken, and it might not seen necessary to you, why do YOU get to decide for that person?

2 people within the same religion can have 2 different approaches to it, 2 different views. same with culture. i mean thats how religion and culture change over years. how traditions change

I just wish there was a place where ppl could talk about that with others like them, to get out their worries and their frustrations and also help establish even, a stronger connection by finding out what truly is a necessity for them.

which sometimes will be using animals.

and i support that. and i think someone can still be vegan even if they use animals if they deem it undeniably necessary.

idk maybe ill make a discord server. bc this bugs me. no slight at any other vegans, but it bugs me that non vegans have such bad experience with veganism (whether its actual vegans or not), and i feel that connection is needed.

[ms-demeanor]

While I appreciate that you want a person to live, have you considered that you are just another person who has refused them help? Sometimes it doesn’t get better. For how many years, and from how many people, is a person supposed to be ok with being dehumanized before it is ok for them to throw the towel in?

Telling someone what caliber of gun is most likely to kill them so they can start a savings fund for it isn’t helping; refusing to respond to that with anything other than mental health resources isn’t refusing to help.

But okay we’re going to have the It Gets Better talk.

I am almost thirty four years old. I’ve been getting treated for depression for literally more than half of my life. I have spent even MORE of my life than that kind of wishing that I was dead and occasionally REALLY wishing I was dead and sort of getting off my ass to do something about it. I have the standard CSA/multiple rape survivor Oh No The Trauma backstory and spent the last *nine* years living with an emotionally abusive relative who had recently taken to tracking my activity by filming me in my home.

I kind of hate “it gets better” narratives because you know what, sometimes life is shit and it doesn’t really get all that much better. Sometimes things are bad and the only thing that gets you out of the abuser’s house is the fact that your partner nearly died. Sometimes everything sucks and it sucks for a long time and there’s no end of the suck in sight.

I have friends who are chronically, degeneratively ill. I know “It Gets Better” doesn’t really help them because they aren’t going to get better. They’re going to stay sick, they’re going to keep hurting, and in a lot of cases things are going to get worse.

So “It Gets Better” kind of rubs me the wrong way. I’d like to reframe it.

You get better at dealing with the bullshit.

Sometimes your situation doesn’t improve but how you approach it does. You may be stuck in the same shit but dedicating less mental space to caretaking an abuser’s emotions. You may still be dealing with daily pain but you’ve gotten to know what triggers it and what to avoid. You may be stuck in a miserable, terrifying situation and have a rich and thriving community of fanfic authors you talk to when shit gets to be too heavy.

The people who “it gets better” narratives tend to be really helpful for are young people who don’t have any autonomy who are close to being old enough that they’ll finally get to make some choices about their lives.

It’s harder dealing with feeling trapped as an adult because you can’t generally escape the things that are trapping you by living in a college dorm or getting an apartment with a bunch of roommates or coming out because you may have already done those things OR you may be in a place where those things aren’t possible for you.

So what do you do?

Well, for starters instead of saving up money for the best kind of gun to kill yourself with save up money for something stupid and funny that you like. Save up money for a tattoo, save up money for an arcade-size DDR cabinet and pads, save up money to buy a camera to make a youtube channel of you doing bad cover songs. (And if you don’t have money to save up then take up a free hobby; if you’ve got access to the internet to send me anons about how to kill yourself you’ve got access to the internet to use AO3 and I strongly recommend you start writing self-insert fic where you get to hang out with the cool fictional characters you like because it’s sort of like maladaptive daydreaming but people will stop by and say nice things about it and you feel validated when the numbers go up)

If you *can’t* fix your situation (because you live in a country that doesn’t recognize your gender, because you’re poor and have to live with people who hurt you, because you’ve got such deep and overwhelming anxiety that making the change seems impossible, because you don’t want to abandon someone more vulnerable than you to the bad situation) then do something, ANYTHING, that you and you alone are in charge of. You’re in charge of your bad cover songs youtube channel. You’re in charge of the smiley face tattooed on your ass. You’re in charge of what happens in your totally self-indulgent, fluffy, found family fic.

Find one thing, ONE THING, that allows you to assert your autonomy and everything gets a lot easier from there because A) you’ve got proof you can do something for yourself and B) you’ve now got something to fall back on when you ask yourself “why do I keep going?”

You keep going because you like your gender affirming roleplay group online. You keep going because you want a horrible butterfly tattooed on the other ass cheek. You keep going because you want to see how many kudos the next update gets.

And while you’re doing all of that you’re making a plan.

Let’s not kid ourselves here, suicidal people are GOOD at making plans. Not at keeping them all the time, but good at making them.

So you plan to get out.

You might not *keep* that plan but if you can sit and fantasize about eating a gun so that the pain will stop then you can sit and fantasize about buying a plane ticket or running away or looking for a different doctor so the pain will stop.

Do the little things that you can do. Write fic, go fishing, fold paper cranes, take long walks by yourself, pet a cat, get a tongue piercing, read a book. Do the little things that you can control, that you enjoy, that you do just for you.

And while you’re doing that think about the train you’re going to take to leave, how much nicer the nurses will be at the new doctor, how great it’s going to feel to dress in a way that feels right.

And even if it doesn’t work and you’re stuck living with a shitty abusive harpy who screams you awake and makes you have panic attacks whenever you hear her moving around the house you’ll get better at dealing with the bullshit. You’ll build up a space for you in your head where the bullshit isn’t there.

And then maybe someday the outside matches the inside. Maybe your friend needs a roommate, maybe you get a job that pays better, maybe a new medication is released. You don’t know for sure that it’s going to happen, there’s no guarantee it’ll happen, but at least if it doesn’t happen you’ve carved out a little space for yourself where you can survive.

ALSO

I know that a huge number of suicidal people are suicidal because they feel helpless.

One way to IMMEDIATELY make yourself feel less helpless is to help someone else. Here’s an app where you can give visual assistance to blind and low-vision people: https://www.bemyeyes.com/

The world is shitty and everything sucks and sometimes you can’t make your own situation better, but you can write video and image transcriptions on tumblr and maybe that’ll cheer someone else up.

Anyway, it’s not up to me to say when anybody else has had enough, but I figure you shouldn’t try to kill yourself until you’ve gotten a stegosaurus in an admiral’s hat tattooed on your thigh or something because who knows, that could be the thing that makes you feel better enough to keep going and if you’ve put up with the pain and bullshit this long what do you have to lose by putting up with it a little longer?

[destinationtoast]

In case it helps anyone to know -- if you struggle, you are not alone.

I think many people who who've followed me or known me for a long time probably think I have my shit pretty together. And in a lot of ways, my life is great, and I have done some cool stuff. But despite that, I struggle with mental health, and my brain is sometimes a terrible place to live. I've spent a bunch of time recently:

Feeling incompetent and like a complete imposter

Feeling like a failure and a disappointment

Feeling like I'll never be able to do any job well and will end up penniless and without healthcare (but still with chronic pain) and an enormous burden to everyone

Feeling like a waste of resources -- "I have so much privilege, and so many advantages, and I squander them by being useless and by not even enjoying my life"

Feeling like I'll never enjoy anything again

Feeling like life will never be anything except stress and despair

Lying awake feeling all my muscles clenched and my heart racing

Having a tremendously hard time getting out of bed

Having an even harder time attending work meetings or doing work

Not being able to eat much and experiencing nausea and digestive issues (where usually I tend to eat larger amounts than usual in response to stress, occasionally it flips and I have to force myself to eat)

Crying unpredictably, e.g. while doing dishes, and having to awkwardly explain to housemates

Feeling numb and impatient and distracted while trying to read/watch TV/browse Tumblr

Feeling So. Much. Guilt. And. Shame. Just constantly.

This is all in spite of the fact that (a) I have substantial and even recent evidence to the contrary about a lot of this stuff (e.g. I got feedback at work not that long ago that I was doing really well and could consider going up for promotion soon). And (b) I've had intense episodes of anxiety in the past and then gotten better, so I have plenty of examples of how these intense feelings don't necessarily predict the future.

Despite all this data, and despite my loved ones telling me wonderful, helpful things, I have spent a lot of time feeling viscerally quite horrible over the past few weeks (as well as for much longer stretches, at times in the past). And parts of my brain have compellingly argued that this will probably last forever.

I've dug myself partially out by talking to a doctor (though I realize healthcare is a privilege not everyone has, though we all should) and getting a short term Rx to help me relax at night enough to sleep. And signing up for therapy again. And discussing longer term possible changes to my meds (I'm on an antidepressant that had been working well till recently). And doing simple breathing exercises. And forcing myself to go do some small amount of work -- especially to make progress on a couple of the things i was most dreading, or to ask others for help with them. And forcing myself to eat and go for walks. And spending time petting kitties. And admitting to my closest peeps that I am struggling, and getting them to say that they'll still like me even if I lose my job. And remembering all those past episodes of anxiety and depression (as well as panicky bad drug trips) that I was sure would last forever at the time, but didn't. And realizing that life is long, and there are many ways to survive and find joy in this world -- and even if I thoroughly fuck up one path, there are other things to try.

I also had to do a big hard thing at work this week that was very stressful (definitely the dread of this has been one contributing factor in my recent spiral). Afterwards, I immediately felt drenched in relief, and feelings of interest and joy and hunger have started to flood back into my life again. "HAHA JUST KIDDING," the unhelpful parts of my brain suddenly said. I still would like to get to a much more stable place mentally, and I'm going to continue to work toward that, and to develop my toolbox for coping. But the sudden easing of some of the terrible sensations feels miraculous, and I'm grateful, and amazed at how fast my internal state can change. And even if maybe it turns out I feel worse again tomorrow, I'm going to enjoy today and try to remember that I did so.

So. If you're struggling, I empathize so much. And it's worth trying to keep in mind that:

Strong feelings of incompetence and/or certainty that the future will suck don't stem from reality. Our brains+bodies sometimes make us feel these things strongly even when actual evidence says otherwise.

That means anxiety/depression is like a bad drug trip. It feels very real, but you're likely to feel at least somewhat differently -- and sometimes substantially better -- if you can hang in there a while.

Just because your brain may be lying to you doesn't mean the resulting struggle isn't real. It's legit hard sometimes to do the basics of survival -- Eat. Sleep. Move the minimal amount needed to get food & water, go to the bathroom, etc. When you're finding those things hard, you're ill. And you deserve time off and self care and a trip to the doctor, if you can manage any of that. If you can't? If you're taking care of others/working or going to school/doing anything else on top of being ill? You're a superhero. I hope you can get others to help take some of your duties for a bit, or to help you book a doctor's/therapist's appointment, or to at least listen and sympathize and send you cute animal pics or memes.

Other people who may appear to have their shit together may not. Many of them are going through big struggles of their own.

The pandemic & state of the world right now are making things much harder for so many people. My doctor (general practitioner) told me that nobody she's seen in the past year is doing that great mentally, and the number of people having acute mental health issues has skyrocketed. Be as kind and forgiving toward yourself as you can manage (in general, and even more so now).

Good luck. Hang in there as best you can. I'm rooting for you. 💗

(Feel free to reblog or to reply, but I may not have energy to respond to comments... responding is hard right now.)

[shiredded]

Random wildfire evacuation tips from california

Fire far away, or it's just fire season

Pack your Emergency kit Important documents, water, etc. Google what you should put in yours. There's a lot of resources.

Plan where to go It's gonna SUCK if you're scrambling to figure out who can take you in when there's only a few hours to pack. A friend is ideal but hotels will work too. If they're decent places they will only have a minimal fee for fire victims. Make sure your destination is pet friendly if you have those. Some hotels will make exceptions, call them.

Microchip your pets You should do this anyway but you could lose your pet while 50 miles away from home and this will help it find you again. They'll be scared and confused in a new neighborhood.

Find a reliable source of information Check to see if your county website or fire/police department has a place for updates. You want accurate information from the source, not from a neighbor or a stranger.

Eat all the icecream Depending on the evacuation, You will want to empty your fridge and freezer, so the weeks leading up to this are perfect for clearing out those tater tots

Keep your gas tanks full You never know when you'll have to drive several miles to find an open gas station.

Fire preparedness on your property Another thing to look up in more detail, they will give you measurements on clearing brush/branches etc. Sometimes this is the difference between a kind of smoky house and literal ashes.

Safety gear This will get scarce the closer a fire comes. You need N95 masks/respirators. Your covid masks will not filter smoke. Only take as much as you need to evacuate, because other agencies (like livestock evacuators) need them more.

Evacuation Warning

This means you MIGHT get evacuation orders, but not yet Make sure you know what the terms mean for your local district. This period can last hours or weeks, depending on the fire.

ONLY trust official information sources If a stranger runs up to your house and tells you that it's a mandatory evacuation and they're here to help, don't trust them. Watch them every second if you let them help and don't turn your back. They may rob you as soon as you hand them your valuable keepsakes.

Double check your destination Call your friend/hotel/etc to make sure they still have room for you.

Start packing Grab your dirty laundry basket: its all clothes you like/have worn recently and you can wash it later. You really only need a few hours to pack and evacuation warnings can last weeks, so it's more identifying what you should pack and starting on the more time consuming bits now.

Only pack what can't be replaced heirlooms, hobby items, artwork, photographs, etc. You can buy a new TV I promise. If you have fire insurance they will help pay for that.

Find your pets and livestock Bring your pets into the house and know where their supplies/carriers are. There may be organizations in your area that specialize in evacuating your livestock, so look those up.

Lock up for looters A horrific problem, but that's the reality. You won't be around to watch your property so looters will go around trying doors so they can steal from people in crisis. This is the main reason that law enforcement will/should be in the area. Plan to take expensive equipment inside, like table saws, motor/bikes, generators etc, and lock them up. Whatever is outside is easy pickings. If you leave any vehicles, lock them, even in the woods where everyone is kind and safe. The looters are not your neighbors, they will drive in from out of town to rob and vandalize evacuated places.

Check on your neighbors Especially elderly neighbors who may not be tuned in to what's happening or not taking it seriously. Fundamentalist religious people tend to be difficult. Make a note if you think someone is going to sit on their porch with a rifle instead of leaving.

Request help Get help if you need it from neighbors or community resources. If you don't have a car, don't worry. Someone somewhere has one and they truly do want to help you. Get everyone's names and contact information so you can keep track of each other. Social media is generally where this stuff tends to happen, so dust that off and see what you can do.

Mandatory Evacuation

All that planning pays off You will likely have a few hours to pack, but depending on the fire you can have just minutes or seconds before they pull you from your house. Evacuation orders usually have a "get out by" time on them.

Children and pets Find these and get them ready to go first. Do not let them wander off because you don't want to be scrambling for them later. Cats in carriers, dogs in a room or pen. Other animals in appropriate travel gear. Keep them indoors until everyone is ready for the car, because smoke can hurt/kill them (birds are especially sensitive)

Most important stuff first This is your emergency kit. Medication is extremely important. Harddrives, photos, documents, computers, etc, all goes in first. Next is clothes and toiletries. They'll make your evacuation less chaotic. Then valuables like jewelry, cameras, stuff that would be hard to replace. At this point your car should be pretty full.

Empty the fridge If you are evacuated for weeks and the power goes out, you do not want to know what happens in there. Throw it all in a garbage bag and put it outside. It's better to discard food now than discard your whole fridge later (they cannot be saved, trust me)

Check on your neighbors again If someone refuses to leave, let law enforcement know so they can handle it. They will either convince the person or make a note of their location for firefighters to worry about if the fire gets too close.

Lock every door and window you can Bring valuable outside stuff indoors and lock it down. This will deter looters looking for an easy target. Lock your cars, sheds, barns, etc.

Do not go back Law enforcement will be controlling the road during an evacuation. They might let you go back for forgotten things, or they might stop you completely. If you left a pet, they will notify the pet rescue teams (generally trained and certified volunteers) Basically assume you can't go back until the order is over.

Evacuated

Uncertainty Hunker down and prepare for a fight. Being evacuated can last between a day and several months (if your town got half burned, etc) Know ahead of time that you won't know much.

Official sources of information may be wrong The fire map sometimes reads smoke and might tell you your house is toast when it's not. Eyewitness reports are more trustworthy at this point. But know that you might not know anything for certain for a long, long time.

Seek out resources There will be food, supplies, and housing opened up for evacuees, depending on your community. Look up your area and take advantage of what applies to you.

Looters will follow you People will stalk fire victims and break into their cars and take everything they own. This can happen a hundred miles away from the fire, so keep your car in your sights if you can. Hotel parking lots are especially dangerous, so ask if security can patrol that area extra vigilantly. Sadly, robbers will also drive through tiny rural neighborhoods looking for an unusual amount of cars and will rob those. Take your MOST valuable things into the house/hotel room etc to keep them safe.

Your mental health Everything is going to suffer during an evacuation, so make sure you're doing selfcare to keep yourself ready for new challenges. Take time to cry and scream and kick rocks. Connect with other fire victims and you can emotionally support each other.

Going home Most evacuations are precautions, and everything will be fine when you get back. It's going to be a pain to unpack all that stuff again, but it would have been worth it if you lost your home.

Do it all again next year The climate crisis is bringing drought, plant-drying heat, and dry lightning storms to places we all thought were safe. Fires are hard to control, but your evacuation isn't. You'll be alright, and eventually rain will come. It gets easier every year and it really helps you identify what you value in life.

Help others If you're in no dangers, search up where to volunteer to help fire victims. Maybe you'll train as an evacuation response team and go into fire zones to rescue animals! Maybe you'll help out at a soup kitchen. Maybe you'll open your home to strangers who need a place to stay. Be the human kindness you'll need for yourself one day.

TLDR: The more you plan, the better. Round up kids and pets first. Lock all your doors because looters will rob you, or follow your car and rob that. Connect with your community to give and receive help.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

Why is it that people seem to always support trans women more than trans men?

 Lee says:

If you’re part of an online forum community that is primarily transfeminine, for example, then there’s going to be a lot of resources for transfeminine people.

But if you’re part of an online forum community that is primarily transmasculine, for example, then there’s going to be a lot of resources for transmasculine people. 

And just as there are particular online spaces and communities that tend to be predominated by a certain group, there are also IRL ones that are primarily transmasculine or primarily transfeminine even if they are not explicitly defined as such. 

If you feel like you aren’t being supported enough in the space you’re currently in, see if you can find a community that does focus around the resources you’re looking for! 

As an example- you may have noticed that the transmasculine post-op community on Tumblr is pretty small. There definitely are multiple bloggers out there, and I think I actually follow all of them, but this isn’t really a thriving hub of phalloplasty information or support, or a large community of transmasculine folks who are post-op and post-transition (Thanks, Tumblr NSFW ban!).

So instead, I seek out the spaces where the community I want to be a part of actually is gathering. Now I’m part of many different transmasculine lower surgery groups on Facebook (over 20 of em lol), I’ve attended IRL transmasculine lower surgery support group meetings in person, and now I’m in two different Zoom-based transmasculine bottom surgery support groups. 

I also believe that if you want to see more of a particular thing, you should be a part of putting that thing out there! So I still maintain my transition sideblog here on Tumblr, where I will eventually document my phallo when I get stage 1 in May. And that’s how I support the transmasculine community, in my own way. So if you want to see more supportive posts for transmasculine folks, start typing!

We also have to remember that uplifting transfeminine doesn’t automatically occur at the expense of support for transmasculine people. We aren’t trying to tear each other down, so being resentful of the transfeminine community for the people who support them isn’t a good look. Transfeminine people can never have “too much” support!

I do think that there are certain spaces online that tend to focus on positivity and support for transfeminine folks, and there’s nothing wrong with that- again, yes, transfeminine people do deserve support! Transfeminine people often face the brunt of society’s violent transphobia, and it’s important that we recognize the way that trans women specifically are targeted more than other groups are. 

Trans women are often hypervisible and a lot of transphobic movements are aimed at them as a result; bathroom bills because transphobes don’t want “men” in women’s bathrooms, banning trans athletes because transphobes don’t want “men” to take over women’s teams, trans people being banned from gendered homeless shelters because transphobes don’t want “men” to sleep in the same room as women, and so on. When you listen to any of these politicians who support these gross things, you’ll hear them constantly talk about the “danger” that trans women pose (while insisting on gendering them as “men” and refusing to recognize that they’re even women). Trans men aren’t even an afterthought.

Being culturally hypervisible in the media means you’re the target of a lot of hate and the recipient of a lot of support, which is all happening at the same time. On the other hand, the transmasculine community at large is less visible in the media which means we often slip under the radar as a community which of course does tie into the erasure of the community. Transmasculine people more often slip under the radar on a personal level too, because many transmasculine people are able to pass by at least 5 years on testosterone and many choose to go stealth as soon as they’re able to.

That doesn’t mean that all transmasculine people can pass or want to pass, or that transmasculine people don’t face transphobia and violence either, or that the vitriol targeting trans women doesn’t invalidate us as well or affect our rights too, or that we shouldn’t get to share our experiences or ask for support. 

We can and should talk about transmasculine people’s experiences as well, and transmasculine voices shouldn’t be erased. Studies have shown that suicide attempt rate for trans boys is approximately 20.9% higher than it is for trans girls, for example, and there are many similar statistics showing that trans men struggle in many ways and face a lot of discrimination, which of course deserves acknowledgement.

Experiencing discrimination and subsequent mental health struggles isn’t something that should be glossed over, yet there are many pseduo-progressive folks in the LGBTQ/feminist communities whose posts can sometimes come across as “men are bad and trans men are men so they’re bad!” When you point out that there are plenty of marginalized men out there who need support, people are quick to say “Well, I’ll support you for being trans but I don’t need to support you because you’re a man since men have privilege and therefore perpetuate oppression!” But in the case of trans men, supporting someone for being trans is the same thing as supporting them in being a man, you can’t separate the two.

And you can spend all day talking about in what situations transmasculine people have access to male privilege and in what conditions the privilege applies and so on, but that is a separate conversation from the point here, which is everyone deserves support and that includes trans men (and gay men, and disabled men, and Black men, and Indigenous men, and Asian men, and so on). 

Things like body-shaming men for having neckbeards or small penises is seen as okay even though body-shaming women for having body hair or having small breasts is recognized as misogynistic. Sometimes folks respond by saying something like “you can’t oppress your oppressor” which... makes no sense in this context. Making people feel that their bodies are bad goes against the whole body-positive feminist movement, and that’s true no matter which people you think you’re targeting. 

It’s also pretty obvious that being a man doesn’t inherently make you a bad person, but a lot of the hate and anger directed at men (whether it’s posted as a joke or said seriously by someone who went through trauma) can make it difficult for trans men to recognize that they’re men because they don’t want to become the thing everyone hates. 

So how do we navigate allowing marginalized people to vent about groups who have privilege without causing collateral damage to other oppressed people? 

Some people have tried to solve it by saying “I hate only cis men, not trans men!” but then of course you’ve created a new issue which is the arbitrary distinguishment between a cis man and a trans man. A trans man can be just as misogynistic as a cis man, and being trans doesn’t mean anything about who you are as a person, all it says is something about the gender you were assigned when you were born.

When you say that you only hate cis men, you’re implying that you don’t hate trans men because you think they’re different than cis men in some way in their thoughts/behavior/actions which is a transphobic assumption. 

Or you’re saying you know that trans men and cis men can be identical in their thoughts/behavior/actions because they’re all men, so the reason you don’t hate trans men is ... ?? because they had certain genitals at birth (which they may not have anymore) ?? And that’s also transphobic because it’s saying you hate people solely because of their bodies which they can’t always control or change and implies having a particular type of body is morally wrong somehow or that your body makes you a bad person.

When someone makes a point of telling a trans man that they hate men, it’s sometimes a deliberate transphobic tactic used to make the person feel like having a male gender identity is inherently bad and makes you bad because it’s who you are, so the only way to become a good person is to not be a man which means not being transgender. And this is some how TERFs try and convince trans teens who were AFAB to re-identify as women instead of embracing being men. It’s hard to embrace being something that people have told you is problematic so people try to repress their feelings and ignore who they are.

Yet folks who don’t say “I hate all men” and instead say “the patriarchy sucks but it’s okay to be a man and not all men are bad” have found that statement controversial too. 

Even that phrase, “not all men,” is a red flag because it’s primarily used by the “men’s rights” folks who try and defend their misogyny and push their anti-feminist agenda while denying the ways that they personally benefit from the system. All men benefit from the system of patriarchy if they are recognized as men by the system, but that doesn’t mean every individual man is personally responsible for actively perpetuating oppression or that every man is a bad person.

So when someone points out the ways that men are taught to hate themselves by people who are constantly bashing on men in hurtful ways, or the struggles that men face (even if they aren’t struggles unique to men), there are people who just freak out because they think that acknowledging this is in some way trying to say that men can’t be oppressors, or that pointing it out is somehow delegitimizing women’s experiences or part of a pushback against women’s rights because the MRAs have tried to stake a claim over the entire topic.

So any nuanced conversation about ways that we actually can support men and break down oppression and uplift marginalized folks has been silenced because this toxic group has dominated the conversation and nobody wants to accidentally seem like they support those things, so they don’t support anything that focuses on men at all.

Similarly, when someone posts about something that affects trans men people (usually cis people TBH) often will respond with “trans women have it worse with that issue, and everything else too!” which isn’t a helpful response because while it’s important to recognize the way that trans women face multiple axes of oppression, uplifting trans women in a way that makes it impossible for another marginalized group to have a conversation doesn’t help anyone. It’s okay for some posts to not be about or for trans women without starting to play the Oppression Olympics games because transmasculine people also need support and space and allowing transmasculine people to talk about their experiences doesn’t mean that transfeminine people are being ignored.

All that being said, I would argue that people definitely don’t always support trans women more than trans men, and I wouldn’t even say that people usually do so. It very much depends on the space you’re in. While I do believe that there are a lot of positivity/supportive posts about trans women on Tumblr, this is, in many ways, a direct reaction to counter the large volume of hate that’s also actively being directed at trans women on Tumblr. And while there are plenty of “love trans women!” posts, there is also an issue with the lack of practical resources and material support for trans women because most of the content does not go beyond the surface level heart-emoji type post.

So in what I’ve noticed on Tumblr specifically (as this varies depending on the platform you’re using and the space you’re in), there can be more vocal (aka performative) support for trans women but it mostly tends to focus on their identities saying they’re valid women and so on but doesn’t give them much information or material support or anything else that I would deem a useful resource, whereas there might be less support for trans men in terms of “gender identity positivity for being male” but there’s more practical resources and information that they can use to aid in their transition.

Again, whatever you do, don’t complain that transfeminine people have too much support- that’s not the same thing as saying that you’d like more support for trans men struggling with X issue.

And yes, while we do have many things in common, there are some differences in the struggles the community faces and the experiences we have, and it’s okay to want to talk with other folks who are going through the same thing. That doesn’t mean that you don’t care about transfeminine people or that you think they should have a smaller platform or something, it just means you’d like support for your identity and transition (which is wholly unrelated to how much support there is or isn’t available for them).

So if you are looking for more support for trans men and feel like you aren’t getting what you need in the online or IRL spaces you’re currently moving in, you should try finding the spaces that are meant to be supportive communities for trans men and join them, whether they’re specific blogs, Facebook groups, Discord servers, or in-person/on-Zoom support groups, and also do what you can to create the support you want to see for your community!

[gojorgeous]

50, 48, 37, 34, 32, 30, 27, 19, 12, 10, 2, 1

ok u asked for it

50. What's your favorite kind of weather?

- Summer! My ideal is probably like 77*F, sunny, and minimal breeze. I really loathe the wind. It's always flipping the pages of my book when I simply did not ask it to. Very rude.

48. Describe your ideal kind of partner.

- Oooo, this is a tough one cause there's so much and also somehow so little LMAO. I would say someone very laidback and kind. Most importantly, someone who can put up with all my bullshit DFDSHIAJ. I tend to be a little high strung and controlling, so someone who's willing to just kinda... go with the flow(?) would be a good balance for me, I think. But, in general, just be kind and make me laugh so hard I piss my pants and we're good to go.

37. Have any tattoos?

- No, but I WISH I DID. I'm planning to get one with my friends when I go back to school this fall. I also have plans to get matching pineapple tattoos with my brother <3

34. What's your coffee order?

- I'm a simple woman. Iced coffee with almond milk and sugar-free vanilla syrup. Even in the winter, bitches.

32. If you could live in a fictional world, what world would you pick?

- Hmmmm... I wanna say AOT because then I could have a slow burn friends to lovers arc with Levi, but I also would 100% die, sooooooo... I'll go with something more like Middle Earth (minus the whole sauron thing LMAO) I could get me a handsome elf and we could live happily ever after, thank you very much.

30. Tag someone you want to talk to, but have been too shy to message.

@arlerted 👀

27. What's your pet peeve?

- LEG BOUNCING. If we wanna get personal with it, I have a type of OCD that makes me averse to small, repetitive motions. Like, I get ANGRY. Not just annoyed, ANGRY. Like, I want to yell at you and throw you across the room. Bye, that's so dramatic BAHA. But, yes, leg bouncing. Or pen tapping. Or when people clean their fingernails. Or play with their hair. Oops, my mental illness is showing 🤪

19. If you could change your name, would you? What would you change it to?

- Good question! Honestly, I don't think so! I like my name very much! I used to think it didn't really fit me when I was a kid because it was too "pretty" and I was literally a demon child, but now that I'm no longer throwing 10 hour tantrums, I think it fits pretty well LMAO.

12. What's one of your fantasies?

- OOP. WE TALKIN', LIKE, SEXUAL FANTASIES HERE??? Hmmm... probs being tied up so tight I can't move and I'm at the complete mercy of my partner. Yep. Idk if that one's kinda lame or not, but... there you go SDJKSIDH.

10. Do you have a secret sideblog?

- Yes and no. I have a sideblog that I use to store writing resources like vocab words and tips, but it's nothing juicy.

2. What are you obsessed with right now?

- Hm... Levi Ackerdaddy, as always, but other than that... not really much??? I have a very obsessive personality, so I try to limit myself when it comes to things I really like, so that I don't get too sucked in. Otherwise, my mental health tends to suffer.

1. What's your sexual orientation?

- Straight (Derogatory). 😭 I apologize. My tik tok algorithm thinks I'm bi, tho, so if that redeems me at all, I put that in for consideration. (At least I'm not on straight tik tok ☠️)

[lillbuggieboy]

why people use adult pacifiers ; ♡⋆*

these are just a few examples of why people may use adult pacifiers. please feel free to comment anything i missed!

original use

adult pacifiers were originally created for those with mental health conditions such as developmental disorders. they were created to help people self soothe. this is also seen in habits suck as smoking a cigarette, chewing the tip of a pen, sucking on your thumb, and other forms of self soothing. though these habits aren’t always the healthiest options.

people with disorders, to name a few, autism, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and depression tend to self soothe or self stimulate more than others. Adult pacifiers were created as a positive and healthy way to help these people self soothe and help avoid developing an unhealthy habit. A much more common self stimulation tool is chewelry (chewable jewelry).

oral fixations

and oral fixation describes a stage of development where a child will have an obsession with stimulation of the mouth. this is also known more commonly as the teething stage. in later years, the psychological field discovered that this behavior can continue into adulthood just as self soothing behavior can.

this is what causes people to develop negative habits such as smoking, nail biting, vaping, overeating, and other habits. these habits can be incredibly difficult to overcome without a healthy replacement. this is where the self soothing of an adult pacifier comes into play. adult pacifiers can be a healthy alternative by satisfying the urge to chew and/or suck on something.

improved sleep

as i have already stated, pacifier use in infants or adults is soothing. therefore it only makes sense that it would help in relaxing and falling asleep. many adults using pacifiers reported that their quality of sleep improved as well as feeling more rested when they woke up.

in addition to improving sleep quality and falling asleep, adult pacifiers have also been shown to improve symptoms of sleep disorders. this includes but is not limited to, insomnia, snoring, and chronic nightmares. many people who use CPAP machines for snoring or sleep apnea dislike how restricting the machine is. with a pacifier, you are free to sleep in whatever position you like while still lessening or even getting rid of symptoms.

mental illness

DID - people with dissociative identity disorder (DID) or other disorders that cause alters to form, they may have child alters who use pacifiers. while these alters may be kids, the body is not and would need to use an adult pacifier to prevent harming the teeth or jaw. 

Anxiety - there is not a lot of information or research out there when it comes to adults with anxiety using an adult pacifier. this makes it hard to say whether an adult pacifier would help everyone with anxiety, but some people use it as a big resource to treat anxiety.

[nothorses]

So I really need some help and you’re probably one of the best trans guy blogs I’ve seen so I’m hoping you can help a brother out. Basically I’m a self hating trans man. I feel really shit about being trans all the time. I know I’m trans because I’m dysphoric as all hell and severely depressed because of it, and thinking about being a woman makes me physically sick and of all the things I “vibe” with, being a guy tends to be it. That being said I literally cannot stop being my own worst enemy. I’m literally stuck on the whole “just because you feel like a guy/want to be one that doesn’t make you trans” line and I hate the standard “well I’m a guy because I say I am” reply because.... well it’s just not convincing? Either to transphobes or myself and it’s a point of contention that makes me anxious beyond belief. That and while I really want to stop I literally cannot stop thinking about myself as being a lesser guy or a woman playing dress up. It’s almost to the point where I’m up and out *reminding myself* that I’ll never be a real man and that no one will ever see me as such despite being in an otherwise positive environment save for my parents. I have some pretty good friends I have a wonderful accepting boyfriend who validates me so why do I just feel so shit all the time? I just can’t stop seeing myself as this annoying bratty girl with short hair and a binder that doesn’t actually hide her chest fumbling with her masculinity and trying to pass herself off as “one of the guys” when the guys are just kinda grossed out and freaked tf out by this... thing I am. I know that my dysphoria and euphoria signal to me that I am a man, but I just can’t see it in myself at all. I feel so inferior to cis men in a way words can’t accurately express and I feel terrible. I literally can’t stand to be in this fragile twinkish body anymore and I will literally beg for T from my endo on my hands and knees if I have to. I’m really sorry for putting all this here and for the long tangent but this is a genuine cry for help and I don’t really know where to go or who to turn to or even what to do all I know is that I want this to stop but not in like a way where I ignore the problem or just delude myself into thinking everything is fine and normal and that I’m perfectly accepted when I know for the broader part I’m really not. Any advice you have on this at all would be really appreciated and again I’m sorry for the length of this ask but I’m really in need of some guidance.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re definitely not alone in these feelings, and it can be such an incredibly difficult thing to untangle & heal from. Having self-confidence and trusting yourself to know your own gender can be really, really hard, especially in a society where those things are actively and very intentionally discouraged. And you deserve better.

And honestly, I feel a lot of this. I know all the refrains, and I know a lot of folks that they work for, but “you’re a man because you say you are” is hard for me to fully buy into. I know that it’s true for other people, and I believe them when they say it- it’s just hard for me to trust myself.

I’ve internalized a lot of how society views gender, and it’s not something I can will away; especially when that doubt and transphobia is echoed back by my dysphoria. It’s hard not to see myself as “girl playing dress-up” or “girl mutilating body” or “intruding freak” or whatever else. And it takes a lot of active work on my part to believe, even a little bit, that what I know about myself is real.

It’s good that you know this isn’t how it should be, and that you’re reaching out for help in getting better. That means you can do it! It’ll probably be difficult, but as long as you’re trying to get better, getting better is possible. Even inevitable.

It sounds to me like you might be struggling with self-doubt, self-hate, and internalized transphobia, which means seeking out mental health resources might be a good first step. Professional help is great, and researching some DIY mental health stuff might also be helpful; I’ve found Sanvello and Vent on the google appstore to be good resources for me, but there are a lot of apps and stuff under “mental health” that can can provide a decent starting point.

You don’t need to try to convince yourself of things you know aren’t true: everything is not always “fine”, trans people are not always accepted, and not everyone is going to see you the way you want to be seen. But maybe you can convince yourself that that’s okay?

Things aren’t perfect, and you don’t need to believe they are. In fact, things really suck a lot of the time- and it hurts. Sometimes it feels unbearable. It’s important to let yourself sit with that, when you need to. You maybe just don’t need to sit with it all the time; maybe It’s okay to feel okay sometimes, despite the bad stuff. It’s important to have that balance. It’s important to know that your feelings are real, that they deserve attention and care, and that they’ll pass eventually. You’ll feel okay again.

If you keep looking for the little stuff, it’ll get easier to buy into the bigger stuff. You don’t need to have complete 100% unwavering trust in yourself; I don’t think very many of us do. But it seems like you have a little trust in yourself now, and you can nurture that into more.

Good luck, man, I hope you can get the things you need to heal and grow. You deserve to be able to trust yourself & love who you are.

[dbtskills]

Psychiatric Hospitalization 101

So you’re about to save your own life by going to the hospital- here’s what you need to know:

~disclaimer: I am not a healthcare professional nor have I worked in a hospital. I am simply someone who has been hospitalized multiple times. This is about acute, short-term psych hospitalization. My word is not law~

The Truth

First off, let me tell you the truth. The truth is that being hospitalized is one of the bravest things you can do. You have chosen (or perhaps you haven’t) to save your own life. Not to beat the physical vs mental illness comparison to death, but conceptually this is like going to the hospital with a broken leg to get a cast. You’re treating an acute wound, going to get a tune up, going to a safe place to heal. Unfortunately there is a stigma involved. It’s been decreasing recently and I think you’ll find psych hospitalization is a lot more common than you imagine. But it still exists. You can be proud of taking this step. It will be hard, but you’ve made the right choice.

When to consider hospitalization

Being suicidal is one of the most common reasons for hospitalization. Psychosis, panic attacks, and substance abuse are others. The main factor for choosing to hospitalize is whether you think you can survive the episode you’re having. If you’re even questioning it, hospitalization is probably a good idea. If you’re choosing between your life and the hospital, the hospital is always the right answer even if it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

The process

There are two ways to be hospitalized: through the ER and straight to the unit. The ER is the most common way. Occasionally your therapist or psychiatrist or other healthcare provider will be able to bypass the ER for you and get you straight into a bed on a unit. If you have this opportunity, definitely take it.  

If you go the ER route, you arrive and explain why you’re there. You’ll then be taken back into a room- sometimes a private room, sometimes a communal psych room. Sometimes your phone will be taken. A guard will be stationed near you to ensure you do not hurt yourself or try to run away. You may wait for hours. You’ll see a psychiatrist who will determine whether to commit you to the psych unit or send you home. If they decide to commit you, you’ll be wheeled to the unit.

For me, the worst part of the process is the ER. You’re often helped by healthcare professionals who are judgmental of mental illness or are too busy to enact kindness. It can be a very dehumanizing experience. You may regret coming to the hospital, but you did the right thing. Saving your life is always the right thing. It’s okay to regret it for a bit as long as you follow through.

What to pack

Your belongings will be confiscated upon your arrival but if you have a chance to pack or if you have someone to bring you stuff, consider these:

A warm comfy outfit like sweats (but without a string at the waist!!!!!! take it out or they won’t let you have them!), SOCKS, pjs. Loungewear basically. The hospital provides basic toiletries, socks, and gowns/scrubs/paper pants. They can provide underwear and pads as necessary. Pack a hair brush if you’ve got tangly hair bc whatever they give you will NOT suffice.

You may want to bring your medications just in case the hospital doesn’t have them in their pharmacy but you will not have access to them, all your meds will come from the hospital itself.

Books! Some hospitals have a small library but you can bring your own if they’re deemed appropriate by the staff. They provide stuff like coloring pages, puzzles, games, etc but it can get p boring.

BRING A WRITTEN LIST OF IMPORTANT PHONE NUMBERS. YOUR PHONE WILL BE TAKEN.

You will have to ask to have items you arrived with brought to you from your belongings bag. Occasionally they will be reluctant, but you can self-advocate your way through it. 

On the unit

If you came to the hospital in the evening you may get little sleep that first night. You have to do the intake where they ask you all the questions and you sign a bunch of forms. You must be up for breakfast the next day. That first day you won’t get to choose your own meals but you will fill out a meal card for the next day. 

Most of your day will consist of shuffling between different mental health groups. Mental Health Professionals (often social work masters students) run groups on addiction, coping skills, community resources, gratitude etc etc in addition to your stereotypical group therapy. There are 3 meals a day, snacks available, and lots of downtime. There’s also activity hour where you do crafts or play games. During activity hour in my last hospitalization I painted a cackling coffin (it was October). 10/10. 

You will have a roommate. My experience is that you both mind your own business while being kind and it’s generally okay. 

They will take your blood pressure and vitals at least once a day. It’s annoying but necessary. They may do labs and draw your blood depending on your circumstances. If you have a physical illness as well, it may be a battle to make sure you are seen and treated for that too. All I can say is be your best advocate. 

You will not have your cell phone. This will be stressful at first but hopefully nice after a bit. You can call whomever you want using the hospital phones that are on during downtime. You may have to ask the staff to dial if it’s out of the hospital area code. People can also call you if they know where you are. Do what you need to do but also don’t be the Phone Hogger bc we all want to use it too. 

Visitors are allowed during certain hours. It’s not like a regular hospital visiting situation where they can just sit by your bed for hours. It’s like once a day for an hour you can get a visitor, no more than two at a time or whatever the rules are. No one can visit or call you without your permission. Visits by loved ones are so so nice and make you feel human again. I would encourage finding someone you trust who can visit you. It can make a world of difference. 

"How can I get out faster?”

This is a hack question tbh. I know everything sucks but you are there to heal first and foremost. Generally they release you when the psychiatrist thinks you’re ready to go. The average stay for something like an acute suicidal episode is 3-5 days. That’s enough time in the dr’s eyes for you to stabilize and receive any medication changes. If you are on the unit voluntarily, you can technically leave at any time. I’m not sure I’ve seen anyone insist on it though. Ask your doctors when they are considering releasing you so you can plan. They may change their answer so casually check in now and then.

Go to groups and participate in them. If you're hiding in your room all day the nurses will notice and they do write that down. There may be many people on the unit, but the nurses are keeping track and taking roll. If you can, be open, honest and compliant with your treatment team. Now there’s a part of me that goes “Fuck The System!!!! Fuck being compliant! I am my own woman and my illness is Me and not something to be stigmatized or hidden. Take me to Bitch Planet, bitch!!!” This is totally valid. You just have to decide what is more important to you- being noncompliant in the face of a judgmental system or getting back to the world. As much I want to rebel, my perfectionism and people pleasing tend to kick in by the second day on the unit. 

The aftermath & “what do I tell people?”

When you are being prepped for release, you must have appointments with your outpatient treatment team set up. If you don’t already, the hospital will schedule them for you. If there’s someone who can pick you up, utilize that. Otherwise they may set you up with a cab or something depending on the location. You will be given the bag containing your phone and other belongings upon release. 

It is up to you to decide what to tell people about your stay on the unit. You can be honest with whomever you choose, but you don’t have to be. You can say you were out of town or had a family emergency or whatever you want. It is not your responsibility to break the stigma. If you can and want to, go for it! We will all appreciate it. But you don’t have to advocate if you don’t feel comfortable. I tell many of my friends and family the full truth and then tell others that I was “in the hospital.” If they ask questions I say I don’t want to talk about it. This works better than you might think. (It surprised me how respectful people are when you say you don’t want to talk about something.) Most people won't even ask, tbh. 

It's not all garbage

It’s not all drugged up zombies and Dissociation Time: my last experience was pretty lit. We had morning “stretches” to ‘80s bops. We played Wii bowling. We discussed aliens and conspiracy theories.  In a place with such a heavy stigma on it, it was a surprisingly Shame-Free environment. It was comforting to be in a place where everyone Got It. At night we would get our meds and then drift off to bed one by one as the meds hit to goodnights of “ope, the Seroquel’s kicking in.” The variety of people on the unit proves that mental illness affects everyone, from the college student to the 75-year-old retired man to the soccer mom with 3 kids. And they each have different ways of coping, different perspectives on their situation. These other perspectives can be inspiring, even helpful and you may pick up as many tips from your peers as the actual professionals. Respect your peers, don’t be that person who’s like “why am I, Normal Person, locked up with all these Crazy People?” If you’re in there, you’re all in the same boat. Crazy is a slur and no one there is crazy unless they choose to reclaim the term.

The staff can be quite kind as well. I once had a nurse go down to the gift shop to get me a tiny hair brush for my waist-length tangled hair. He didn’t have to put in that effort but he did. This past time I had an MHP sit with me after a session and develop personalized affirmations that she wrote in my journal with her gorgeous, swooping handwriting. It’s small things like these that end up mattering most in an environment that can feel harsh. There can be great kindness there, under all the rules and regulations, you just have to be open to it.

I’ve made a wide range of friends in hospitals. Ones I’d never have even encountered in real life. Even though we haven’t kept in touch, I think of them often. My roommate with terminal kidney failure who got ECT twice a week but took the time to ask how I was. A recent immigrant from Nepal who didn’t speak any English but with whom I communicated anyway. Sandy, my homeless roommate who gave me all of her toiletries instead of taking them with her. Trevor, a young heroin addict who guarded my chocolate cake when I had a phone call. Curtis, a retired professor deep in psychosis whom we taught to Wii bowl. There are so many different lives that tangle with each other on the unit. In this way I consider it a gift, to have a window into all these different worlds that are connected by this one string. I’ll never see these people again, but I’ll never forget them either. I hope they’re all still out there, getting by.

Getting hospitalized can be one of the scariest and hardest experiences but it is also one of the bravest. You saved your own life. Even if you didn’t bring yourself in, your participation saved it. It is a chance to reorient yourself to life, to recovery. It is a second, a third, a 15th chance. It’s like a terrible mini vacation. Responsibilities are lifted so you can focus on yourself. Utilize it if you can.

Again, my word is not law, it is based on my own experiences on the inside and outside of psych units. Please please reply or send asks with your own information. I know I’m not the only one on here who’s been hospitalized. We are legion. We survived. We survive. 

**Note from Kat: I am trying to learn graphic design (is my passion™) but the struggle is real and it does NOT come naturally so if anyone wants to help hmu!!!!! Can’t pay obvi but can link!**

[craniuum]

Hi! I’m considering trying for medical school, but I’m not sure if it’s for me and I don’t know if I can handle it considering my struggles with depression and anxiety which get worse when I’m sleep deprived. What surprised you most about medical school? What do you wish you’d known beforehand?

Hi and sorry for the delay in my response!! To preface my (very long) answer, I think there absolutely needs to be a place in medicine for those of us who struggle with our mental health, because it really gives you a unique way to relate and empathize with patients' needs. However, the way medical school is structured isn't the most conducive to maintaining good mental health, and oftentimes the wellness initiatives that a med school implements can pile on to stress (for example, my med school made us go to mandatory wellness lectures...).

I can only really speak for medical education in the United States since that's what my experience was in! I would look into the websites of schools you're interested in to see how they look out for their students, or even better, try to get in touch with a current student there and ask them directly about their experience (but I know this is hard if you don't know anyone in med school). MedTwitter is a great resource too - there are some insightful med students (both anon and non-anon) to follow and I'm happy to share links if you'd like!

That being said, here's a list of what surprised me about medical school/what I wish I had known beforehand:

Medical school, especially when you're doing clinical rotations, is EXTREMELY performative. So much of your grade is affected by your social skills and how well you personally get along one-on-one with whoever is evaluating you. Half the time I felt like I was in acting school (especially when I was rotating on something that I had no interest in lmao). I am not extroverted at all and I often had to force myself into being extroverted on rotations for the sake of my grades

Also, there is so much bias that goes into evaluations (e.g. as a woman of color I personally found it harder to connect to my white male attendings and I often saw that other white or male students tended to get better evals, whether intentional or not)

If your main career objective is to make money - DON'T GO INTO MEDICINE!!! There are so many easier and shorter career paths out there with less liability. The debt you incur from medical school is very real, and it's difficult to get need-based or merit-based scholarships. Depending on what specialty you go into afterwards, it can take a very long time to pay loans back. Surgical and procedural specialties tend to make a lot more money than primary care - something that I was not aware of until I actually got to med school

What you study from textbooks is so different from actual clinical practice and what you see in the hospital/clinic

Patients care less about you being right about something and more about you being a kind, nonjudgmental listening ear for them

Studying for my STEP 1 exam was singlehandedly the worst experience of med school/possibly my entire life. Board exams suck in general. The MCAT that you have to take before med school is nothing like the board exams you'll take later, for better or for worse.

Being in medicine during a global pandemic that has highlighted how broken our healthcare system is and how selfish people can be has been a really disheartening experience - to the point that I have been questioning my career choice at times. But despite the lows being lows, the highs really do make it worth it (for me). I would recommend doing some introspection to dig deep into your reasons for wanting to pursue medicine! Is it to help people? Because you like learning about diseases? Once you figure out your "Why," see if there are other career paths that will help you reach those goals and compare them with medical school to see what appeals to you more!

I hope this was useful (and that it didn't scare you off!) - please reach out if you have more questions!! Always happy to help 🥰

[lezliefaithwade]

A Breath of Fresh Air

The summer after my first year of theatre school, I was sleeping on the living room floor of my cousin's apartment in Toronto, trying to figure out what to do with my life. My cousin had been an actor before he became a quadriplegic in a car accident, and as I unadvisedly bemoaned my unemployment status, he said something like, "Seriously? You're complaining about your life? Don't make me burst a colostomy bag." He was right, of course. I wasn't in a wheelchair, though I did have a stepmother who had rendered me homeless because of her dislike for me. She was always saying things like, "Your hair can't be as ugly as that hat you're wearing." Or simply refusing to invite me to things like Christmas dinner. I always admired people with families. My boyfriend at the time was one of five kids who were always doing things together. Their house was always full of noise and activities. Even as a shiksa, I felt more at home there than with my stepbrothers and sisters, who never lost an opportunity to point out that I was weird. I wanted to stand up to them, but not wanting to cause my father any grief, I held my tongue and sought refuge elsewhere. It occurred to me that perhaps I was using the theatre as an opportunity to say things through characters that I couldn't find the courage to express myself.

The Toronto Star was still open on the kitchen table, and I rummage through the Want Ads, that dirty part of the newspaper near the back where complete strangers will soon become complete assholes in your life by forcing you to work menial jobs in humiliating uniforms for minimum wage.

"Find anything?" my cousin called from the bedroom, where two attendants helped wash and dress him.

"Social services are advertising for camp councilors to work with emotionally challenged kids."

"Oh yeah," He said. "That might suit you."

I'm not sure I knew what he meant but, I was beginning to think I'd outgrown my welcome. My cousin probably would have encouraged me to join the circus if the option had been available. Knowing my living room days were numbered, I thought it best to make an effort and apply.

I had no experience teaching drama—no experience working with kids and no experience going to or working at a camp. Despite all that, I was hired. It's worth noting that it's probably not a good sign if you get a job with no qualifications whatsoever.

My official position was Drama Councillor, and I prided myself that with only a year and half of theatre training behind me, I was well equipped to help others benefit from the wealth of my experience. I imagined myself, Maria Von Trapp, teaching children how to sing while they looked at me adoringly. Somehow, I conveniently blocked out the rebellious early stages she experienced and skipped straight to the good parts. Also, I might add, forgetting about the Nazis and having to climb over a mountain. Still, visions of me biking around camp with a group of happy campers behind me filled me with a sense of self-satisfaction.

As I packed my knapsack with deet and a secret stash of Twinkies, I thought of how only three weeks earlier I'd been in New York walking through Central Park and savoring Cappuccinos at outdoor cafés on Columbus. Now, here I was, ready for something different. The wilderness, I imagined, would be a welcome change—fresh air and loons instead of smog and sirens. I thought smugly about my classmates sweating behind visors at take-out windows shoveling fries into cardboard cups or wrapping sandwiches in tinfoil. Thumbs up to adventure, I told myself. The fact that I'd never once in my life enjoyed the great outdoors didn't factor into my mind. All of this changed with each accumulated minute of the 391 Kilometer drive north.

It was late afternoon when I arrived at the compound. Overcast, sullen, it was a place so secluded you'd need flares to find it. It had that distinct aura of someplace time forgot. A place left behind and neglected. In the brochure, the sun was shining, flowers filled the meadow, and you could practically hear laughter floating off the page. What I was looking at bore more of a resemblance to a situation in a Stephen King novel where camp councilors discover a pack of hungry teenage zombies have lured them to a seemingly idyllic retreat. Situated right in the heart of black fly country, I spent most of my days swatting insects so big they seem Jurassic.

During our orientation, child care workers warned us that children with mental health needs tend to run away - a lot and to keep strict attendance records and all eyes on them at all times. "These kids are resourceful and clever," they cautioned. I couldn't imagine being so determined you'd risk your life by escaping through the woods that surrounded us, but then again, I'd never been around children who weren't allowed cutlery before either

I shared my cabin with three other women with who I had absolutely nothing in common. Delia, a humorless 27-year-old cooking instructor who answered every question with a monosyllabic grunt, Jennifer, a 26-year old tennis instructor with massive blond ringlets who talked so quickly she sounded like a record on high speed, and an older aboriginal woman named Sunny who made us all dream catchers and offered advice about how to heal ourselves on days when we'd feel spent. "Remember, these kids need us," she said while purifying our cabin with sage. As I glanced around my assigned bunk, taking in the spider webs and loose floorboards, I had that sinking feeling that comes when you know you've made a terrible mistake. Before long, I was eating copious amounts of peanut butter on stale bagels amid a never-ending supply of starch. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea to feed children with challenges like anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and eating disorders copious amounts of sugar and carbs. It certainly did nothing to help them or me.

On the first day of class, I sat everyone in a circle. "Welcome to drama class," I said with a smile. "Let's begin by sharing with everyone a little bit about ourselves. Anything at all you'd like us to know?" A hand went up.

"I'm Tracy, and I hate my stupid ass brother. He can go straight to hell."

"Okay," I said, "That's a start. Who's next?"

Another hand. "I'm Jonathan, and this place sucks so much I wish it would burn to the ground!"

"Fair enough. Anyone else?"

"I'm Jo. I'm schizophrenic. So sometimes I'm Rachel and Julia. You'll know the difference because Rachel has a British dialect, and Julia talks slang."

"O-kay." I glanced at the social workers who sat on the edge of the room and looked at me with an expression that basically said, "We can't wait to see what you do next."

"Let's write a play," I suggested. "Write anything you want. Once you're happy with the work, I'll shape it into a cohesive piece that we'll rehearse and then present at the end of the season talent showcase."

The kids liked this idea. The showcase was a big deal. It was an opportunity for them to blow off some steam and express themselves to friends and family in a creative way. My only stipulation was not to use profanity. As the weeks passed, I was impressed with how well they all threw themselves into this project—all except Eric, the oldest boy in my 12 to 15-year-olds. Eric often wandered around the rehearsal space, unfocused and sullen.

"Any ideas for your piece?" I ask, checking in to see if I could help.

"I'm thinking," he'd say and then pace.

With three weeks left in the summer, I took my well-deserved week off to decompress. My boyfriend came up from Toronto and drove me to his parent's house at Post and Bayview, where caterers were preparing the tennis courts for an outdoor party. I walked into his mother's living room, and she gasped. "What happened to you?"

I didn't blame her. I hadn't spent much time looking at a mirror the past four weeks, but one glance at the large one in their bathroom told the full story. My hair was ratty; I had scabs on my knees, bruises on my arms and legs, and I was sunburnt. I was wearing a vintage skirt and blouse that was probably more Value Village than vintage and a pair of worn, scuffed purple moccasins; in essence, I was wearing slippers on my feet.

"Please take her to the mall and at least buy her a pair of shoes," his mother said, handing me her credit card and then rushing off to make sure the stuffed alligator would float in the pool. That week I ate my way through rugelach, hamantaschen, brisket, and bagels while his family watched me with awe and disgust.

Back at camp, the smell of burning insect repellent greeted me along with the news that the sailing and tennis instructors were sacked for disorderly conduct. Never mind, I had renewed energy and a sense of purpose. There were costumes and props to make. Sound and lighting effects to create. And we needed to rehearse. It was only a tiny stage somewhere on a remote camp in Northern Ontario, but the excitement was palpable. I was excited. This would be the best talent show ever, and my kids were going to blow the socks off everyone there!!!

"Eric," I said, "How's your piece coming along?"

"I finished it," he mentioned casually

"That's great. Can I see it?"

"I want to surprise you. You're going to love it, though. I promise."

I patted myself on the back. Eric had a breakthrough. All my encouragement and patience had paid off. Perhaps I'd helped him have a developmental breakthrough.

"Can you tell me what it's about?" I asked.

"The Beatles."

"Great. Okay," and left it at that.

Talent Night arrived along with parents and family friends. The lights dimmed, the kids performed, and the audience enthusiastically applauded as each "Mighty Mite" or "Spirit of Paradise" breezed across the stage, acting out skits about fairies and monsters and assorted escapades. Finally, it was Eric's turn. Out he came, looking serious and theatrical. He cleared his throat and addressed the audience.

"This is called, The Beatles Last Recording Session. By, Me."

Three of his closest camp friends filed out and took a space on the stage. The audience was silent.

There was a dramatic pause, then the piece began.

"Fuck you, Ringo,"

"Fuck you, Paul."

"Fuck you, George."

"Well fuck you, John."

Then they bowed and left the stage.

Personally, I thought it was kind of brilliant. Needless to say, I wasn't showered with accolades about my teaching methods or the effect I had on kids. I left there having no catharsis about mental health except that giving people the opportunity to express themselves without censor is probably a lot healthier than insisting they stay quiet. I admired the honesty displayed in the kid's work. If only, I thought to myself, I could be half as brave. Wasn't that what I was spending time and money learning how to do?

A week after being home, I found myself packing, once more, for school in New York. Our term letters had arrived with instructions on where to buy character shoes, leotards, copies of The Children's Hour, and Death of a Salesman. The camp already felt like it was 391 kilometers away - soon to be 659. My father drove me to the train station with my stepmother beside him; she was there, no doubt, to ensure I boarded.

"You going to be okay?" my father asked, giving me a hug and slipping a $50 bill into my pocket.

"She'll be fine." Elsie chimed in. "You don't have to worry about her. Let's go."

But I wanted my father to worry about me. Not all the time and to the exclusion of all else, but certainly the appropriate fatherly amount.

As I settled myself on the train, I watched my stepmother pull from father from the platform to the car and thought of Eric's brilliant play. Under my breath, I whispered the immortal words of the Beatles, "Fuck you."

#stepmother #mental health #children #young people #summer camp