#also just a lot of personal shit going on but nothing bad

[koralcove]

okay, but like... the thought of sylus and xavier of how they generally are in bed... like, i think some ppl get them swapped up, coz like...

everyone's saying that sylus is such a beast in bed and would absolutely demolish you until your legs feel like you'd need to go through physical therapy to walk again... and they're absolutely right.

BUT

i also hear those who say that sylus is an absolutely soft and sensual lover in bed, and honestly, that version speaks TRUTH. because, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MAN WITH US?! the way his character progresses with becoming absolutely, indescribably, adoringly soft with us. the big bad, dark and mysterious, cold-blooded, ruthless leader of onychinus is willing to do things out of his element just because we think it's fun. you want matching cute onesies? he's already purchased a pair for us. you want to go take silly photos together and hang out in an amusement park where he could be publicly seen doing mundane and questionably harmless activities that personally don't look like it suits his style? if that's what you want, then he's not opposed to it.

that man is absolutely soft with us, and you can't tell me that he wouldn't prefer to make sweet, deep, lovin' with his darling. the way he'd want to be pressed impossibly close to you, your body so soft against him, taking every bit of effort to not rush into this intimate moment with you because he wants to feel every inch of your skin tracing on his fingertips. he wants to prolong the sensation of your warmth radiating to him, shushing your whines with his deep baritones of, "there there, sweetie. no need to rush, i'm not going anywhere," always with that teasing lilt in his voice, but it can't cover up the adoration spilling out of him.

and god, he'd be gentle with you. he knows you can take what he gives you, knows what you're capable of. but damn, he couldn't resist giving you all that gentle devotion because you're just so precious to him. and through all the rough edges of his living, he wants to give you something tender. wants to bare how putty you make him just from your presence alone. he doesn't think of it as a weakness. in fact, it fuels his fire of making sure to stake his claim on you properly by giving you all you deserve. and he always sets the pace. wants you to feel how absolutely weak-kneed you make him in an imitation of his light touches that set small sparks of desire on your skin, pressing searing kisses on you as an invisible brand until he finally gives in to the lust gnawing at him, but making sure to always, always, be careful with you.

and then, there's xavier...

xavier with his cherub-like features that you think can do no harm if you didn't know him well enough. with how he looks like a constantly clueless puppy that you can easily please with the temptation of a nap time, you'd think he'd be the type to go with some lazy, intimate love making with you while you're both half-awake... which is not wrong, really, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.

as someone who goes with the flow, xavier is not opposed to anything you would suggest, even if the idea itself seems outlandish, then that boy is down (just like how down bad he is for you). you wanna be on top? cool, no problem with him being the pillow princess. you want him to take you from behind? he'll give you an absolutely mind-blowing back shot. but the kicker with xavier is that he's an absolute FREAK (we talkin' abt neck-breaking freaky deaky shit), and i love how everyone collectively agrees on that. because there's just smth abt a man who appears so unbothered by a lot of things, always cool in faces of plight (and girl, his heartbeat is literally slow, does nothing ever faze him???) that the thought of him going wild is just a big ol' WOWZA. AND PAIRED WITH THAT INNOCENT LI'L PUPPY FACE OF HIS?! oh honey, i'm already unzipping your pants for you-

and honey, his strength... his stamina?! girl, he be the kind to go at it alllll night. "once isn't enough" ALREADY SAYS A LOT. and that man is not shy at all, because you can't tell me that he whispers absolute filth in your ear, catching you off guard at how uncharacteristic it seems of him, but it flows so smoothly through his tongue that you just have to wonder what kind of thoughts run through his head when he's with you, because rn, as he's pounding you silly against the mattress, hips pistoning into you at lightning speed, yet still hitting oh so deep into you, he's absolutely insatiable for you. and he would not hesitate to go all out on you as long as he knows you can handle it. because he knows it can be too much. but when he sees those tears streaming down your cheeks from how good his dick is at making you see stars, shaking under him as you grip onto his arm, he couldn't resist with bullying your poor overstimulated body and getting an orgasm out of you just one more time out of... maybe three? seven? he's lost count.

but don't get me wrong, xavier is still the type to be skin-achingly intimate with you. loves how you're pressed against him as you both lazily rock your hips against one another. but it just so happens that he's a absolutely ravenous with you as well, rutting into you like a bunny in heat.

with sylus, love making with him is tender, reverent, but never losing that intensity, while xavier is absolutely uninhibited and would even lose track of the amount of times you've already cummed for him.

[sirfrogsworth]

Now what?

Whenever I see Trump my brain thinks of my mom and I feel angry about how she died. I have PTSD and I'm actually in the process of seeking out a therapist to address it.

And until I can get some help, I guess I'm just going to feel that anger for a while. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to see or think of him again.

This is pretty bad. And it is really scary. And I hate that one man is capable of causing so much fear and anxiety among the people I care about.

I guess there is one thought I am trying to hold onto.

I recently talked about chronic illness and the "new normal." As illness progresses you sometimes have to accept a new normal and learn to adjust and adapt to it. And every time I was faced with a new normal I was convinced I could not adjust or adapt. But every time I figured it out and found a way to keep going.

I think we will adapt because we have to. We will fight because we have to. But we will need each other to get through this.

Look to your allies. Your friends and your trusted family. Keep those relationships healthy. Do the work to maintain them. Prioritize building and sustaining a personal support system over everything else. Do your part when they need help. Keep in regular contact. Keep the emotional labor as reciprocal and balanced as possible. And don't be afraid to tell them when you feel overburdened. Keep communication healthy so you both feel comfortable expressing hard truths. Open up to them so they feel trusted and make sure they feel comfortable doing the same with you. Try not to lean on one single person too much as they might get overwhelmed.

But also remember to enjoy your friendships. They are not there just to be your therapist. (An *actual* therapist is a good idea if it is feasible.) It's important to laugh and waste time together. Shoot the shit and bond over mutual interests. Or introduce them to your interests and teach them why you love what you love. Ask them about their interests and even if you don't completely get it, be happy that something makes your friend happy.

If you feel like you don't have a support system or it is severely diminished like mine, you'll have to do the work to seek out new people. I'm in that process now after losing my parents. And trust me, I know it isn't easy. I am really struggling to connect to new people. It takes a lot of energy and I haven't had a lot of energy to spare. But I know it is what I will need to help me adapt to the new normal. So I'm going to put in the effort and figure it out. I encourage you to do the same.

You will not connect with every new person. That's okay. Remember this is a process and it takes time. And don't beat yourself up if building your support system is slow going. If nothing else, you are learning and growing and developing tools to help you on this journey.

This community has been so kind to me. You all are a part of my support system. And I feel very lucky to have you in my corner. I love you and I care for you. I'm going to try my best to advocate for what you need. Helping others is another way to keep moving forward. A righteous sense of purpose is a powerful tool in the face of a new normal.

Please take care of yourselves as best you can.

Find your people if you haven't already.

Or find *more* people if you don't have enough.

You are in my thoughts.

[panpanghost]

part 2 of this thing:

Macaque heard them coming, Wukong's new friends. They were here when he first woke up, actually the strange kid was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes. The little fella looked so scared and worried about him, he even promised to find a way to save him no matter what. Such a nice kid.

But, he doesn't know who the kid is... After he left last time, Macaque asked Wukong about his identity but Wukong, strangely, just looked at him shocked and never gave him an answer, after that Macaque got the idea that he lost a part of his memories.

Macaque has been trying to get his memories back, but it's like shovelling through a mountain, he can't remember anything from the past years, he can't tell how long it's been. He tried asking Wukong about it, but, for some reason, Wukong is lying, he knows he's lying. He tells him not to think about it too much and just enjoy the present, Wukong won't answer no matter what he asks, he'd either avoid the question or lie.

But Macaque doesn't doubt Wukong, he knows he still cares about him, sure he was acting weirdly when Macaque went to sleep and shower with him, but he didn't kick him out or throw him away... he was acting strangely though... maybe... maybe they aren't that close anymore, maybe they drifted apart and haven't been together for a long time and Wukong is letting him stay because he feels bad for him-

No, no that can't be it, if it were the case then Wukong would've straight up told him to leave and he hasn't done that yet, in fact he's doing the complete opposite, he won't let Macaque leave his sight let alone the island. He's also been a lot more physical... not that Macaque is complaining about that... but still, that is not how you treat someone you want to get away from.

Maybe he can ask the kid, but would that upset Wukong? Shit... He can't stay like this.. Damn it. He'll deal with Wukong when he has to.

_"Hey Wukong, your friends are coming. Should we go greet them?" he asked playing with Wukong's hair, under the shadow of an old tree,

_"They are?!" Wukong got up from Macaque's lap dusting and putting himself together as if he was caught doing something he shouldn't. What's with him? Macaque doesn't remember Wukong being the shy type. No, Macaque is they shy one, Wukong used to have fun tormenting him in front of others.

_"Yeh, they'll be at the house any minute now."

_"Alright, thanks for telling me."

_"No problem, let's go see them, I'm actually kinda curious to know what that kid found out about the crown. All the monk said was that he felt a dark energy from it then nothing else."

_"Yeh.. about that. Why don't you just stay and rest a little more. I'll talk to them."

_"What? Why? It kind'a concerns me, don't you think I should be there?" Macaque is really starting to lose his temper,

_"Actually.." think Wukong, think! "When they first arrived here, you attacked them thinking they were enemies, and.. well... you guys don't get along that much..." would he believe that? it's not entirely a lie though..

_"oh- ok... I'll wait for you then." Macaque feels really bad, did he really attack them? but they seem so nice. It's really upsetting him, after what he'd done to them, they are still trying to help him, he should apologise, maybe make them some apology sweets, Macaque can't cook but he for sure can make killer desserts.

_"Hey, don't feel so down about it, I'll be back soon, ok?" Wukong feels a little bad for upsetting Macaque, but this is for the best, yes, it's for the best... is it?

_"ok." Macaque gave him a little smile. He should listen to Wukong, it's not like he can remember what he's apologising for. Wukong will take care of it.

[sylvanas-girlkisser]

Tinfoil out for Rell Medarda

So after my earlier post about the whole Rell/Mel/Ambessa thing, I got to thinking, and now I'm making it everyone's problem.

Spoilers ahead:

In the season 2 opening we get these shots (not all in sequence):

Ambessa sitting lazily on a couch holding a black rose

Mel looking uncomfortable surrounded by shadowy hands

Mel sitting on the same couch, lit so her shadow resembles Ambessa

So, Ambessa is in deep shit with the Black Rose right? They nearly killed her once, they've stripped her of most of her power and influence, and now they've kidnapped Mel. We know Ambessa would do anything to keep her family safe, and that doubtlessly include sacrificing her own life.

The most widespread Rell Medarda theory seems to be that she's Mel's younger sister, with the main counterpoint being that Rell's mom is described as "the heir to a fallen noble house" which doesn't make sense as a descriptor for Ambessa, yeah her house is falling but she's the head not the heir to the house.

And that's when it struck me: House Medarda is crumbling, but so is Mel's own empire. She's losing her sway over the council, her main ally wants to retire from politics, and a civil war is not good for business.

Which is to say nothing of the fact that it's more or less confirmed now that she's got magic, which last i checked is still very much banned in Piltover.

Also there's this promo image of Mel floating around which looks... Distinctly Noxian, at least compared to what she wears in S2A1

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Let's say that by the end of Arcane season 2, Ambessa is dead, house Medarda is in ruins, Mel's own fortune isn't doing much better, and suddenly everyone finds out she's a mage. Who knows maybe she even becomes the scapegoat for everything that happened between Piltover and Zaun.

She's exiled back to Noxus, and has to attempt to rebuild her empire from nothing. Somewhere in the process of doing so she has a daughter. A daughter with a whole lot of magical potential.

Next thing she knows, she's got the Black Rose banging down her door to get their hands on her daughter. Sure it might leave a bitter taste in her mouth to deal with them, but Mel knows business, and isn't there a degree of poetry to the people who ruined her, also being the ones to restore her to power.

"But hold on" you might say "Mel is a kind and loving person, her biggest goal in life is to be different from Ambessa, that sounds nothing like Rell's mom."

Did you know that when Britney Spears wanted her toddlers to calm down, she would give them pacifiers dipped in whiskey, because that's what her parents did to her growing up, and she genuinely didn't realize it was harmful.

Breaking the cycle isn't easy at the best of times, and if Mel is also having to fend off vultures at every turn trying to take what remains of the Medarda fortune, it's easy to imagine her falling into bad habbits.

And wouldn't that just be the most tragic ending for a character like her, who spent so much of her life trying to undo her mother's work, only to end up traumatizing her own daughter and sternly telling her "excellence is measured in sacrifice".

Hey does anyone remember how Rell was forced by her mother to kill her friends one by one in order to make her stronger? How about that scene in season one where Ambessa kills the Ionian princess Mel had made friends with?

[aesops-boy]

Yeah, no kidding it’s not healthy. The idea that others want you to die or just don’t care is incredibly depressing. Depressing is not healthy.

Truthfully, I don’t actually think most people want me to die. The point of this post is to get out/explain those icky emotions, those feelings.

But what’s hard is to be met with seeming callousness. What’s hard is to be met with sentiments again and again that a person would rather “make a point” than care about the real, living, breathing people around them. The idea that someone would be complicit in othering the people like you or even people not at all like you but who do face the threat of losing everything.

Those are what hurt.

And I already know a lot of it is social media. Like I said, it’s probably the algorithm pushing stuff to me to make me feel bad. That’s what it does. But that doesn’t stop the feelings. Acknowledging that helps to do things to prevent those posts that elicit those feelings, actual actions that I can think about rather than just be stuck feeling, like blocking accounts or interacting more with the stuff I do like.

And I’m lucky enough that I can literally go outside and touch grass all I want.

It doesn’t change the fact that I have to come back inside eventually to family and friends (now ex-friends, thankfully) that actually do feel how I described. Who don’t give a shit except to “make a point” and have actively chosen again and again to vote for people who say the absolute worst about others, including the people like me.

And no, they probably don’t actually want me to die. But there’s something about saying one thing but doing another that really makes a person feel that maybe that’s not true, feel hurt and betrayed and unsafe.

And I’m sure there are people who would say the same about me. They have the freedom to say what they want. They can feel just as hurt. I hated all the major candidates because it felt like no matter what, ideologically, I’d be hurting good people with a vote. And not voting didn’t feel better.

It’s not a happy situation. Of course social media doesn’t help. My physical situation doesn’t help.

It’s worse when people are nice about it. “No, I don’t want people like you to die. I just think your inherent existence is deviant and a threat to children and unhealthy, and I’m going to pretend that you’re not like that so that I can reconcile the fact that otherwise I’d be saying and thinking all those things about you. I refuse to acknowledge that treating you this way is killing you except when I feel too guilty about it and then call you overdramatic and tell you that of course I don’t think you’re like that. Then, I’m going to change absolutely nothing about how I choose to think or act.” That is an explicitly spelled out version of the thoughts of people I can’t escape by touching grass, at least not right now. Some of it has been told directly to me, and the rest is the obvious unspoken.

So it’s a good thing my original post was about how things feel rather than how things may or may not actually be. I really hope that things are as you say, and that people really don’t want people like me to die. That’s just not how it feels to me.

I will hurt now. I will act to change my situation when I can.

(Also, if you think I complain too much and need to go touch grass, I kindly suggest that you block my blog. I do a lot of complaining and expressing hurt that doesn’t make sense or line up all the time. It’s what my blog is for. And usually, touching grass doesn’t help.)

Everyone has probably already said and read all there is to say about the US election, but I need to get some things off my chest, so here we go:

I’ve seen a lot of blame from blue toward people who voted green. We knew it would split the party… is what blue would normally say. But this time, it really looks like it didn’t. Jill Stein hasn’t gotten any significant portion (read: not even 1%) of the vote in any given area, except apparently one place in Michigan? (As of writing this, at least.)

And to their credit, I’ve seen a lot of blue actually point this out, too. A lot of blue have acknowledged that as easy as it normally would be to blame a third party splitting the blue vote, it simply does not add up here.

However, I’m a bit disappointed with green. Maybe it’s just my algorithm, which would make sense given that social media gets a lot of success from trying to make you upset and therefore engage, but the responses from green have been troubling. It seems like every one that I see is… celebrating? That they made the “right” choice? The “ethical” choice? That they didn’t vote for genocide?

I mean, sure, I guess technically they didn’t vote “for” genocide… but… there is simply no world where an individual could reasonably believe that for this election specifically, all those blue votes were going to flip green. In fact, it might have even required red votes to flip green.

And it hurts because in deciding to vote to… ease their conscience? No, they didn’t split the vote per se, but it still hurts. “I decided to toss my vote! And I’m glad that blue didn’t get elected because it shows that voters will not stand for blue not supporting Palestine!” is what it sounds like. And what are the Palestinians supposed to do in the next four years with someone who is Hell-bent and has explicitly stated that he wants to wipe them out?

And I don’t want to make everything about me or about people in this country who clearly are not being bombed. But it also hurts personally because you can basically substitute Palestinians for any given minority in that sentence, and it will ring true.

No, green didn’t split the vote. But… can green only act morally superior because blue didn’t win? It feels like some weird version of “owning the libs.” Would it have been different if blue had won? What would it be then? Would green double down on claiming that blue voted for genocide? Would green claim that at least blue realized to not vote red or that even red saw the light and flipped? I don’t know.

And again, it hurts because for every celebratory video I see, every call that claims that green showed blue that they were serious about not voting for genocide and that they will organize and try to get green elected next time…

I hear, “I didn’t care about throwing Palestine under more bombs if it meant I could keep people from voting blue. I didn’t care about Project 2025 if it meant I could keep people from voting blue.”

And no, it’s not fair to blame green for how things turned out. But this is why I at least get so damn hurt seeing these celebrations from green.

I want green to organize. I want green to put a third party that could actually win on the ballot. I want green to put in the work on a large scale between these big elections to get the electoral votes. And I want green to put in the work at the local level to get a third party in from the ground up. I want a third party. I want to never be in this situation again.

As usual, the blame lies with the blue party, red party, and red voters.

The blue politicians alienated their voters. As much as green’s celebrations hurt, what I heard from the blue party was, “We’re willing to compromise with red by giving in to them and getting nothing in return. We’re willing to try to appeal to voters who will never vote for us. We know they won’t. But we’re still going to do this anyway.” Of course I know most of the blue politicians don’t give a damn about me or people I care about. But I was hoping they at least wanted power. This is such an extreme alienation, too; are they really so confident that they can retain their status as the only other option? Maybe. Maybe that’s exactly it. I don’t know. But I know it hurts, too.

And of course, red. Oh, red. Where do I even begin? Red politicians… repulsive. They say the absolute worst about people, especially those who are vulnerable to them. Red voters… I don’t understand. I must assume they truly hate people like me, or at the very least, they simply truly do not care what happens. When their neighbors disappear, when the blood runs in the streets, it will be fine to them. Maybe that extreme makes some of them uncomfortable, so they simply do not believe it will happen.

“Blue is oppressing us!” they say. So they vote for people who have promised to oppress blue harder. But those people are not just oppressing blue. They’re oppressing red who look like blue, who come from the same place, who aren’t the type of red they want.

“I just want things to be normal and prices to be cheaper,” says “more reasonable” red. Then why vote for the ones with an entire plan, a manifesto, laid out on exactly how they’ll make everything very un-normal? The prices won’t be cheaper when you’re unprotected. The big money would rather see people die than live so long as they can make money, so long as they can keep costs to themselves low, so long as they can make prices high. What makes you think they’ll see you as any different?

But I guess if more people like me (and many more who are not like me in the slightest) die, then gas will be cheaper. Certainly less demand.

I guess if more people like me (and many more who are not like me in the slightest) die, then that’s just divine justice for not voting green.

I guess if more people like me (and many more who are not like me in the slightest) die, then that’s just even fewer people blue politicians have to pretend to care about.

Enjoy those eggs.

[smilebug]

alright call me crazy but. how do folks feel about an android wall-e jesskas au

[raiiny-bay]

some WIPs from the 80s AU i never finished

[spicedfink]

Someone posted their opinion on tophabe and I'm not going to @ them since people are apparently being weird but it did make me want to voice my tophabe take because tbh it made me feel insecure and like I needed to explain myself because they were right and so real for what they said.

My thing with (s2) episode 8 is first off I can only process parts of it at a time because that episode made me uncomfortable Second is there is one major factors I take in when thinking about tophabe and a few minor factors: The biggest thing is Joan the canon end game love interest as far as we have been shown tried to point blank kill everybody which is objectively worse. As for minor factors I'll use bullet points: - Cleo also manipulates Abe not to that degree but for longer - All the cast are kind of bad people but the show only framed Topher's actions as bad which I found weird when I really thought about it then they said Harriet was a theater kid and I stopped caring about what the writing was meant to convey - Him giving good advice first in s2e8 reminds me of how I used to give a friend of mine bad advice as a joke when they kept ignoring my real advice and for some reason they took my joke advice seriously. - Topher wasn't in the classroom with Abe so he didn't know the teacher had been hitting on him so it feels like he's just making shit up on the spot - I don't see how Topher would have seen this working. Like it shows him being right there when it starts but like how? I know it's just because the plot said so but the actual "go sleep with this gross person" seems more like a "oh Abe would never actually do that" line of thought - like it reads more as "if I can get Abe insecure he won't ask Joan out" then "Abe will defiantly go for this" (still shitty but less) - It's a cartoon and their actions are exaggerated - s2e8 was such a horribly done episode all around that I can't do anything other than cherry pick it - poor mental health is hardly an excuse but man do I believe his therapist isn't doing him any favors (which is why I have his change therapist in my fanfics) - The fact they're still shitty high schoolers meaning they all have the most room for growth and I'm projecting my own journey of because and actual good person and figuring out my sexuality onto him (obviously wasn't his level of shitty but I said dumb shit and did weird emotionally charged things thanks to how I was raised and poor mental health) - Episode 1 of season 2 Topher got the t-rex arms so I attached myself to his character right then and there ("he's autistic just like me") - I like happy things. The show gave a character who they made clear was suppose to be disliked and bullied for being horrible and didn't show him do anything actually that bad until episode 8 out of 10. And before that ranges from normal weird teenager things he'd logically grow out of, trying too hard to be socially accepted and being mentally ill??? Like no. No I'm personally not going to think this character is a horrible person incapable of growth... And this is why my serious non one sided tophabe headcanons are all for when they are older because I really think Topher would, you know grow up and regret his past actions. Also since I see Topher as queer: internalized homophobia and the such are a bitch (speaking from experience)

I don't actually have a good reason for why Abe would like Topher back past I just think it'd be fun. If Abe gets with Joan and is friends with Cleo I think he should still be friends with Topher though

[starlooove]

Read one or two fics where they give Duke a personality treat Damian like a human being and stop sucking Tim’s dick for 5 seconds and everything else feels like forcing urself to eat normal food after tasting the fruits of the fae

[waywardsalt]

gonna be a hater in tags real quick

[cluescorner]

Some people: Kaeya’s bio father is an abusive monster who abandoned his son in order to achieve his own selfish goals. He is an evil man who deserves everything awful that might happen to him. 

Other people: Kaeya’s bio father did the right thing and leaving Kaeya in Mondstadt was the only way to give him a halfway-decent life. He is a better father than he is given credit for and should not be as hated as he is. 

Me: Kaeya’s bio father is integral to the general ‘war is hell and bad choices can reverberate across time’ thing that Genshin seems to be going for. He made unethical choices, but mostly because the ONLY OPTIONS HE HAD WERE UNETHICAL. If our understanding of the Alberich’s role in Khaenri’ah is accurate, General Alberich (my name for him until stated otherwise) was suddenly in charge of a hopeless and dead kingdom which begged to be saved. Assuming that there was a reason Kaeya specifically was chosen for this mission, General Alberich was forced into a position where he needed to choose between the lives/future of every Khaenri’an vs the life and future of his young son. Abandoning either is an awful thing to do and a horrible decision, but the bad decisions of Celestia and Rhinedottir have led to a scenario where General Alberich can only make bad decisions. In the end, he chose to prioritize his people and made his young son into a spy. We do not know the process for this, but knowing how much Hoyoverse loves to torment people (especially Khaenri’ans) we can assume that this process was horrific for Kaeya and could definitely be considered abuse. General Alberich is effectively making his son into a child soldier for a war that the majority of people never wanted or asked for, and one Kaeya was likely far too young to understand. At least, until he was forced to grow up far too quickly in order to fulfill his duty. General Alberich likely loathed everything about what was happening and even in his last moments with his son he asks for forgiveness. He knows that what he is doing is wrong, but to turn back now is to both abandon his subjects and make everything that happened to Kaeya in order to turn him into a child spy be for nothing. So yeah, General Alberich is a terrible person who made horrible choices. But war and the bad actions of others have created a situation where he has nothing BUT horrible choices and where being a terrible person is the only thing he can be. And that’s without considering how the curse/abyssal corruption could impact the scenario. 

[llatimeria]

processed some trauma i think

[piplupod]

mistakes were made. should not have gone to library today. i will be leaving the house all five days of the week now (plus we went to a waterside on sunday for several hours) and uhm... i feel like i need to go hibernate for several weeks to feel even remotely okay again fhdkdl i am so tired i can barely think enough to string words together in any comprehendable way 🧍<- upset

[thethingything]

I keep randomly remembering that the reason our brain is especially fucked and a bunch of our symptoms are worse right now is because of like, an avoidable external thing that's chemically affected our nervous system instead of either our symptoms flaring up on their own or some specific stressful event triggering it, and for some reason that keeps making us feel especially bad about it.

like our mental health being bad because of stressful stuff going on and our mental illnesses randomly flaring up both suck, but I can handle our brain just doing its own thing and/or reacting to what's going on around us.

but something about it being a medication that someone else prescribed that's changed the way our brain functions is significantly more distressing in a way I can't put into words properly. a lot of the symptoms we've got (apathy, brain fog, alexithymia, memory problems, etc) are very typical depression and dissociation symptoms, but they're like a weird version of them that feels very different to how we normally experience them.

the only way I can describe the difference in feeling is that it feels more "artificial" but I can't even really describe what I mean by that. if normal brain fog is looking out the window on a foggy day, this is looking out of a window that's been covered with those frosted vinyl sheets. you can't see shit either way, but the feeling is very different.

I just desperately want it to go away. I'm finding it hard to be enthusiastic about things I'm normally excited about no matter how bad our depression gets, and our usual coping mechanisms for getting our brain to register positive things aren't really working because it's not the same underlying mechanism.

it feels like any control I did have over our symptoms and anything I could do to help with them has been stripped away and all I can do is wait it out and hope it fixes itself, and the whole "being given a drug that changes how your brain functions and takes away your control over what your brain is doing" is pretty much the exact phobia I was trying to learn to figure out how to deal with before we get dental work done, and for the dental work it'd be like... idk probably an hour at most, whereas now I'm just stuck dealing with experiencing it 24/7 for an undetermined amount of time

[running-in-the-dark]

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[eebie]

we are deconstructing gender on Google docs tonight boys