#also it’s 2:30 am and i am just getting in bed
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just a few more days till our fall baby is here <3
#ts4 screenshots#ts4 gameplay#current#ts4 legacy#ts4 family#reshade#kibo household#ts4#am i trying to film a mini machinama for the intro of my next ep#well yes#gonna take abt five years#also it’s 2:30 am and i am just getting in bed#FUCKKKK i’m screwed for next week
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anyway yeah fr i miss ordo theoritas. i miss the theory crafting i miss the hugeass meetings before/after Big Lore Event to brief/debrief everyone involved i miss the chaos and confusion and laughter and teamwork. i miss the cellbit, bad, and phil (key-keepers my beloveds) being the heads of the ordo working together to untangle the mysteries to the island. they were hardly ever on at the same time bc schedules and time zones (WAILS) but in my head they had so many late nights down in the evidence rooms like this
just. yeah. yeahh.
#qsmp#ordo theoritas#qsmp philza#qsmp cellbit#qsmp badboyhalo#i might have a fic idea but rn it’s just archivists bc they live in my head rent free#also im not too comfortable writing bad bc (1) i don’t watch him as much and (2) his lore is like?? so complicated??#as an outside viewer its pretty intimidating lol#it’s the vibe of late night working w your friends on a project/lab/whatever slowly losing your minds tying to figure it out#it’s 2:30 am you’ve been talking in circles the theories are getting more out there but ya don’t rly care bc hey it’s Something#and then someone says smthn that’s just like Woah. wait Actually?? and it kicks you all back into gear to get you chugging along again#anyway i miss them i go sleepies now gnnnn#dont mind me im just rambling#god so much for me going to bed at a decent hour lmao
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they should make a life where you don't have appointments, work, school and scheduled events every single day for months on end
#i just wanna spend like 2 full days rotting in bed is that too much to ask#december i'm going on a vacation with family + gf and we're trying to schedule a lunch/dinner so that we can go over the itinerery#and other stuff like my gf is diabetic so she's going to tell everyone the procedures in case of an emergency etc#and the soonest i'm available for that is oct 20th like bruh#every week day i've got classes 7:30-11:50 work 13:00-17:00 and then gym therapy or futsal practice at night#oh and sometimes the professor that i'm the student assistant (? monitor in pt) for wants me to go to her night classes#and then on weekends i've got futsal practice sat morning usually a match either saturday or sunday legal advice clinic 4x a semester#and then birthdays friend group meetups (with ppl i haven't properly seen in a WHILE so i don't wanna bail) family stuff or gf's family stu#oh and i take care of the finances of our futsal team so there's that as well#and then when i'm free i spend my time with my love (who i mostly see on either day of the weekend and sometimes for dinner on weekdays)#those are my favorite “appointments” i love spending time with her so much but even though we have quite a few staying in dates we also#pretty frequently go out to cafes restaurants parks meet up with mutual friends etc#so like... no bed rotting ever adfdsal#honestly i am not THAT busy compared to some ppl that i know#like i work from home most days of the week commute only 20 min to college am not a part of any study group etc etc#but man... that vyvense sure is working cause i do not think i would be able to do what i do now when my adhd was unmedicated#also i'm thinking of maybe getting a new internship next year cause even though i love my current one it's in public law which atm#is the field i'm thinking of getting into after school but getting into private law in brazil with only public law uni experience is#incredibly difficult. so i wanna be 100% sure i actually want public law. which means experiencing private law.#which means a private law internship#so i'm wondering how the fuck imma be able to pull that off next year#at least it pays much more than my current one! like probably double!#but honestly even with all the shit that i do and wishing i had more time for myself i've actually been so happy lately#i'm learning more at uni than i used to be able to i do pretty well at my internship i've got wonderful friends both old and new#my family is well and we get along like always i switched positions in futsal and am doing suprisingly good as a goalkeeper#and i'm in my first ever relationship. it's been almost 8 months till we made it official and it blows me away how good it's been#like we haven't faught once. disagreed on a couple things sure. but not a single fight and tbh even disagreements are very rare#idk we communicate and give each other grace and i just feel so loved. she knows me so well. i love her so so so so much.#like man just this saturday we were having an early dinner at a bakery. she stopped what she was saying and just stared at me smiling#and like i couldn't hold eye contact. cause she's so so fucking beautiful and she was looking at me with so much love and i had to look awa
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monday quest is to order the couple of supplies i need for a project. this is challenging to me because it combines 2 things that melt my brain: 'online shopping' and 'deciding between similar but subtly different things'. HOWEVER i can do it!!! and it will be fun to make things when they arrive >:) side quest make a different dinner, i have got some fresh fish to try and i have never cooked with it before due to we always bought it frozen. worst thing that can happen is it doesn't agree with my health stuff and i do not cook it again 👍 i'm making it so basic style for this reason. i feel like it could be delicious!
#monday quest#i was wondering why i was feeling so crazy insane like i would explode into one million pieces and amongst the fact that i woke up#so many times in pain last night and hurt a lot today. i remembered i'm waiting on 3 prescription requests to be approved so they can#be delivered to me before i run out AND i'm going to the dr within a fortnight. so. hahahaha :P that'll do it!!!!!#also it's my birthday soon which is good and fun and i am lucky to have fun things planned but that does not stop me from being worried#that i will get a bad grade in 'having a birthday' despite there being zero precedent for that :P u know how it is with anxiety 👍 (bad :P)#goal for this week: BE REGULAR and have regular days!!! literally so possible i just need to 1) stay present in the moment.#2) keep practicing the habit of not kicking myself through the days. and 3) DO MY EVENING ROUTINE AND GO TO BED ON TIME HELLO.#<- guy who is about 20-30 crucial irreplacable minutes behind schedule voice#so on that note goodnight everybody in the world unless it's daytime in which case i hope ur having a good day
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Those memes that are like 'Do NOT ask me to do anything after 8 PM because I will say no.'... Brother, bump that up to maybe 4 or 5 PM maybe and you would have me.
#personal#Signs I should not be an adult at all. Like I want to be HOME at dinnertime so I can relax right after.#I know I keep reiterating it but having to be at work and BEING at work when it's still pitch black outside doesn't help.#At my earliest I start at 3 AM now. At my latest? 5 AM.#Getting off at 2 PM is nice I suppose but I'm so TIRED after work.#Oh also it doesn't help that the sun fucking sets at those two times in the next few coming months now...#Like if it's dark out? My mind is just automatically like 'Oh it's bed time!' and it's fucking 4:30 PM.... 4:30!
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I will make any sort of sacrifice for art
#day three of unrelenting headache (from too much screentime presumably)#so i'm kind of very dying but there's no way that will stop me from finishing all 30 drawings#especially since knowing me i otherwise would have spent that time scrolling social media anyways#so at least i can get something tangible and fun and something to be proud of out of this#trying to do 2 drawings a day now so that i can have it all finished a bit early and it's in fact a comittment but i somehow AM managing#this might not seem like a big deal but this is coming from someone who hasn't made a single full piece of drawing in many years#so to be able to sit down and finish something EVERY day... would have been a completely absurd thought just a couple months ago#when i'm done with all the drawings i want to put them together and print them and display them somewhere#afterwards i will also either: draw much more bcs practice and it becomes easier#OR be so fed up with it that i never draw again. ofc hoping for the first option#going to bed now and hoping that i don't pass out tomorrow#goosepost
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I was looking up drug interactions for a friend only to find out for the fifth time (forgor) that we still don't know how Tylenol works. We have guesses! Very educated guesses! But the actual mechanism of action is a mystery. That's pretty fucked up I think. It feels wrong. We should know this by now!!!!!!
#t#magic is real and it is in how substances just do things to you#exhibit 1: Tylenol#exhibit 2: lithium#how do they work? we don't know. they just work.#anyway. Tylenol can be taken safely with opoids and nsaids. for anyone else who might need to know.#also the pharmacist confirmed my suspicion that if you're prescribed nsaids post op you should take them even if you're not in pain#because they're anti-inflammatory and that helps with wound healing#I've never needed to know because I've never had a surgery#but i Wondered#going to bed at 7pm now because I've had 4-5 hours of sleep for the last 5 days and i had to get up at 6 am today but woke up at 5:30 am#because a blister burst on my foot and the pain woke me before my alarm but i hate waking with my alarm because i always feel groggy#for like 2 hours after waking up and i prefer waking naturally even if i wake half an hour before my alarm after 4 hours of sleep#thank you foot blister. for hurting.#anyway. zzzzz.
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I don't want to get off my phone I don't want to stay on my phone I don't want to pump gas I don't want to do deliveries I don't want to get ready for bed I don't want to write anything of substance I don't want to create I don't want to not create I don't want to be here I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to move I don't want to stay still my brain and body seem to simply want to sit here and Yearn
#is this like a shutdown i think we're having a shutdown#cuz like#we're not experiencing the pain of the overwhelm#but that's because we're dissociating really bad#like am i blitz are we blurry have we been in this parking lot for hours#why can't i just do anything but type#we're just sitting here numb and unmotivated#vent#i guess#tagging in case as always#idk man#“get a hobby” we have several#“get a life” we have. one but we have to share#“get a job” 2 jobs going on possibly 3 next month ok im starting to understand#we are indeed having to face a future and have no solid Plans yet#i thought getting our biggest worry out of the way now that my cat is w a trusted friend would help#but everything else is at the Forefront of our mind now whoops!!#ironically it would be better if we just. cane up w a plan#but noooo sensory overload from our own fucking chatter#allllll dayyyyyy#fuckkkkk#we're probably gonna go to bed lol i can try again tomorrow#we're ok just. we “shouldn't be” if that makes sense lol#if we're going to be a wreck i wish i could at least provess it#like it's worse than emotional denial i straight-up don't have access to said emotions rn#“don't underestimate my capacity to not wanna” type shit sjfhhshsh#oh also we need to eat dude come on#dont want to do that either but alas we need nutrients to live#at least we like living!#usually lmao also i did it (apparently) i reached 30 tags. thank u tumblr i love yapping
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#basically having a mid distance relationship because my partner is living on the other end of the city#best case it takes us 1 hour to get to each other#worst case is 1 1/2 hours#shit sucks ass#he works really close to be my home#but he gets off work at ass o clock for me#he ususally gets off at 8pm#i have to go to bed 9pm to get up at 5:30 / 6 am the next day#he also has to work on saturdays and only gets them off like once maybe twice a month#i'm sick rn and i just wanna cuddle with him#horgh#he came over today because its his free day but i wont be seeing him until next week on saturday#probably#sometimes i just stop by after i finish work
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What is it that makes period pain so debilitating. In terms of pain i would probably rate the pepper grinder falling from the top shelf right on my foot the same as the pain rn, but i only ever get knocked out from this particular pain
#fucking hell#i mean i get periods affect more than just my foot and i mean that did hurt so much i thought it was broken and like i was gonna throw up#first lol. but i could like still get back to work and do whatever? also the back pain i sometimes get is arguably just as strong#but I tend to just ignore it? this? this is always a question of 'man am i gonna make it the 1.5 meters from my bed#to the bathroom or would i pass out on my way there#also IT'S ALL CONSUMING#everything from the waist down is in pain#my feet! what's with that shit?! everytime!#(sorry i need to Scream into the void otherwise i Cry! also me making rant posts actually means it's not that bad rn#if it was super bad I wouldn't be able to do that lol)#anyway#it's almost 2:30 now#i took more pain killers like 45mins ago so i hope i can maybe get up in 15 minutes so i can get some groceries#and then actually do some work on my thesis#i feel so guilty lol. pretty sure my professor doesn't care but i did agree on sending it yesterday so it's a shitty thing to not even work#on it when I'm already past the deadline. it's not like I'm getting an unreasonable amount of special treatment already#ok I'll try to keep the whining to a minimum now
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i have a football game on thursday. it's all joever
#i fucking split my fingertip open doing this dumbass fucking#glissade with a 1 1/2 on rifle#it's a total paint in the ass cause u have to catch like at the swivel ? vertical#and ANYWAYS. i missed the gun and jammed my finger into the swivel and it split a callus wide open and it hurt like shit. like it hurts so#much. i was just standing on the field running drill while actively crying for like 15 minutes#also im dehydrated since i lost my water bottle!#fun!!!! happy first week of school. to me.#ON FRIDAY I AM GOING TO GET A LITTLE TREAT SO HELP ME GOD#anyways! ow ouch owies. and i don't want to go to the game on thursday !#get to bed at like 12:30 and wake up at 5 then a full school day. EVIL#minty.txt
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Today has got to have one of the worst sleep quality I've ever gotten and that's saying something considering my vampire ass sleep schedule.
#aria rants#i slept pretty early too! i slept at 2 am! 2:30 am or smth but it was before 3 am which was sooo nice#but then i woke up at 5 am and couldnt get back to sleep again... like-- id just be lying in bed with my eyes closed#and like-- tbh i didnt mind it all thaaaat much but at the same time-- during then it felt like i was on the boundary#between being oh so sleepy and fully awake and it wasnt a great feeling at all so i wanted to just get back to sleep alrdy#AND THEN! whenever i do start drifting off to sleep it just feels like my body itself refuses to and start itching smwhr!!!#and there was even when i ended up having a small nightmare-ish dream but it wasnt even that bad but i got forced awake!!!#worst yet was when i did-- half of my limbs felt numb. like-- i think my left? arm and right? leg (it was one of each side like wtf)#just felt numbed and fatigued and also had pins and needles when my sleep position wasnt even that bad! like WTF HONESTLY
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playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there
#how do i tell her she needs to break up with him immediately. posthaste.fuck it funny post over rant incoming tw emotional abuse i think#nyarla dni#(<- roomie and nyarla have met and i don't wanna air roomie's drama to ppl who know her w/o her consent. anon internet ppl only)#listen i'm normally for gentle advising and that's probably what i'll do since i don't want to stress her out but oh my fucking god what is#his problem. he's constantly putting her in these weird no-win situations where the only right answer is to never be upset or disagree or b#wrong on accident or be misunderstood by him and to tell him everything she's feeling so she's not 'playing mind games' but if she says wha#she's feeling he'll interrogate her and badger her with the same questions over and over again insisting she's unreasonable until she gives#in and says she's sorry with an attitude he likes. i fucking don't like him. and a lot of this is observations from today. the day after sh#GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT AND BROKE HER NECK. WHAT THE FUCK.#it's like he expects to be treated like a king on one of the worst days of her life and when she's upset he's like OH. OH I GET IT.#and lectures her on having attitude and taking things out on others when she's literally not even doing that. not to an extent that matters#anyway. like. there's more productive ways of dealing with that. where you don't treat them like a bad kid for getting overwhelmed#he has made her cry multiple times today. i have been around multiple arguments and fights and he's just genuinely. awful i hate him#hell the first argument i overheard *i* was in tears by the end (luckily they left soon after bc i had to run to the basement laundry#dungeon to bawl my eyes out because 1. i can't handle confrontation 2. i've never seen roomie cry and 3. she just seemed so hurt and tired)#anyway he just left again after a fight because. god this is so dumb. she told him to move while they were sleeping in the same twin bed#(remember she's in a neck brace) and he fucking. left the room for an HOUR bc he thought the only thing that could POSSIBLY mean (as he#insisted) was for him to get out of here and then when she was like oh hey i'm sorry i didn't mean it like that he decided to spend the nex#half hour of his short time on this earth chewing her out for not giving him a lengthy explanation while half-asleep as to like. why he#needed to move (she wanted to grab smth) and apparently he sat in the chair by her bed for like 10 mins before leaving so he probably saw#her fall back asleep. and then he got pissy when after he left she didn't pick up her phone when he was calling her? even though he knew sh#was asleep?? she didn't even know he was gone. fucking. i need to get him away from my roomie YESTERDAY#look. miscommunication happens. i'm not saying he's an asshole for wanting things said clearly. i am pro-saying what you mean.#but if every time your gf tells you what she means you make it into a 30 minute lecture (no matter how small the slight and w/o examining i#you're actually right or not) she's not gonna wanna fucking tell you if she doesn't think it's worth the argument. especially if you never#let her rest until she concedes. apology isn't enough. clarification isn't enough. she has to say how wrong she was and beg and GOD. UGHHH#and he's always on about how she hurts his feelings. a gust of wind could hurt his feelings. he's constantly berating her manipulating her#and then he's like >:( see that hurt my feelings you can't hurt ppl's feelings. you're disrespectful. HE"S THE WORST I FUCKING HATE HIM#look sometimes adversity reveals the truth of a person and this just amplified his shittiness so much. mr OH i slept in a HOSPITAL and it#was so bad... you can't be in a bad mood bc i've been doing the bare minimum and you need to prioritize MY feelings rn. also i won't leave
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I AM A CODING GENIUS
#coding assignments due in circa 10 hours. it is 2am#I started roughly 12 hours ago and I’m almost done#I also managed to do in 5 minutes the thing my friend has been struggling with for a month <3#the problem is that I’m really good at figuring out how code SHOULD work so solutions like that are easy as hell#but making it actually happen? well.#I spent about two hours swearing at my laptop bc these two dumb rasters would not be set to anything except TRUE/FALSE#they would NOT let me change the values for any reason at all and the internet failed me#I think it is time for us as a society to acknowledge that stack overflow sucks actually this is one of my biggest red flags#I despise that site it completely sucks more often than it’s helpful#that might just be bc I’ve done an obscene amount of work with spatial data at this point and spatial data is hell <3#anyway I’m procrastinating now even though it’s 2am bc I’m feeling confident I can finish this now so the urgency is gone#it will return in maybe 30 minutes bc I said I’d go to bed at 3am but man. these assignments have been the WORST#aaaaaanyway I’m in the hyper stage of tired yknow. the chocolate I just ate probably isn’t helping#so ready for this to be done but unfortunately that means I gotta do it#might as well do as much as I can now I guess so I can get it finished early tomorrow#can clean it up a bunch tonight if I finish it quick too#okay pray for me. I’m already on 5 hours sleep bc I was up until 2 doing the other one yesterday#luke.txt#man my flatmates are ASLEEP now probably wish I was asleep#2:36 update: can confirm I am a genius bc I think I just solved my problem from earlier too
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#ignore this#every fuckin night this week at midnight i get so nauseous and i end up wide awake and overheating and miserable#and then i take some melatonin to try and force myself to go to bed#and then at like 2-2:30 am i finally can make myself go to bed#but then ive set my alarm for 8:30am bc im /trying/ to fix my shitty sleep schedule#and it’s NOT FUCKING WORKING#im fed up with the nausea really bc idk why it’s happening i just feel so bad and grossssss#none of this is really that bad i just hate it when i can’t sleep and feel bad :/#like im doing ok team i just want to vent abt my body acting against me#also im so annoyed bc it’s actually very cold out and my windows don’t even really shut and im just using one thin blanket so WHY am i hot#make 👏 it 👏 make 👏 sense 👏#hellish behavior rn
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I was just beaten, stabbed, and shot all in just the matter of a few days, each day a different incident or attack by an individual in my family and outside of my family by ppl around me, I had to get several stitches in my legs, arms, hands and even some in my face after being jumped and beaten and stabbed, I had a bullet pulled out my leg and my side, I was shot 8 times, 4 times in the legs and 2 times in my right lower abdomen and another 2 times in my left lower abdomen, I been in and out of the hospital including the mental hospital for suicide attempts as well as being harmed by transphobic ppl, I've been struggling paying for costs of a vet visit after my kitten was killed by my moms dog after she had her dog kill her, I've been raped, molested and abused by my family and ppl in my schools and neighborhood and I just get tired of being in this same situation surrounded by poverty, I live in a neighborhood where I'm constantly threatened for being a black trans woman and I have NO ONE TO TURN TO, I've tried getting help finding a new job but it's harder after constantly being fired for molestation at work and sexual harassment and constant work abuse I've been thru whether it was employees or managers targeting me with harassment and bullying within the workplace and it's been hard in general trying to get help with financial situations, paying for medical bills and get med assistance from the government and the city as well as mental health help for therapists, psychiatric help, and safe space havens or shelters, I've also been from mental health facility shelter to homeless shelters and been harassed, abused, raped and molested in EVERY SINGLE ONE, i am currently living in a rundown home surrounded by poverty and bad conditions, rusted bursted pipes, i have no plumbing, no water, no way to get anything to drink, to clean stuff with, i dont have water for dishes to be cleaned, laundry to be washed, or to bathe or shower in or to take a piss or shit in either and there are several dead cats in my basement as well as raccoons from all the holes in the walls, I had to freeze in the winter and was trying to get help from the city with some government assistance and I'VE YET TO GET ANY HELP, ANY THERAPISTS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH I'M STILL ON A QUEUE, I HAVE NO HELP FOR MENTAL HEALTH MEDS, OR PSYCHIATRIC HELP, I can't seem to afford to get help with much even after succeeding my Gofundme goal because I had to use most of that money for food for me and my cats and keep cleaning products to get my home clean WHICH IS STILL A MESS. so what i need anyone to do for me if yall POSSIBLY CAN, is reblog this as much as you can and please share my links to donation help with pet food, water, meds, med help, mental health help, finding an apartment, getting a bed or mattress, and any daily needs and necessities IF YALL CAN.
My goal is to get at least $2500 to $3000, I know it's alot but rn I need as much as I can possibly get, yall can send anything, nothing is too small it's ALL APPRECIATED. IF PPL CAN SEND AT LEAST 25 OR 30$ EACH IT WOULD HELP OUT SO MUCH, BUT AGAIN ANY AMOUNT IS APPRECIATED. THIS is REALLY IMPORTANT!!....I'M TRYING MY BEST TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW!
Cashapp: $Slasherstan91
Venmo: Negrophiliac (I know the name's wild 😭)
Chime: $MarsRayL
Paypal: paypal.me/MarsRayL
#black tumblr#black trans women#black lgbtq#mutual aid#black lives matter#black mental health#black women#please help#donation post#please donate#extremely urgent#need help#please reblog
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