#also idk how else to mention this but this edit was a vent edit

[wilhelmsbee]

Okay honestly? I'll just take you up on that offer because I'm obsessed with your edits in general, but if you ever feel like talking some more about that Wilhelm edit you did to the song Ribs by Lorde??? Would love that because that edit lives rent-free in my head! (no pressure though, I just like the idea of like... director's commentary or something for edits haha)

I HOPE EVERYONE IS READY FOR ME TO BE INSANELY DEEP ABOUT THIS EDIT OH MY GOD

preface: i talk ab why i chose each scene for the lyrics, then colouring/font, idk if this is the directors commentary you wanted but like this is how I think about all my edits

We're reeling through the midnight streets- initially, I actually wanted to start it on the this dream isn't feeling sweet line but it just didn't fit in instagrams 1-minute time frame ANYWAY This scene has always been the most painful to me. Wilhelm realises at this moment that he's truly, undeniably alone in his life. Everyone he trusts (or is supposed to trust) has left him, and he has nobody left to go to. He's alone, going through his own personal hell, finding out his only family cares more about public perception than him as a person. It's like the beginning of the worst spiral we see from Wilhelm. Its quite a literal scene-to-lyric moment, but also the we're part feels (to me) like him-as-well-as his public self. Crown Prince Wilhelm and Wille are such separate parts, and its all he has left.

And I've never felt more alone- The THERAPY SCENE! Specifically this is the I think it's better not knowing how it could feel scene, because that truly is the most heartbreaking viewpoint I've ever seen from a character. It was better not being in love because I couldn't miss it. He might be getting closer to the other boys in the secret society, as well as Felice, but he's not really breaking past the surface level with anyone. Not even Felice knows the depths of his pain, he keeps it all to himself. The loneliness crushes him, he wishes he didn't know how love felt. As far as he's concerned, he's never loving someone else again (true) and he's never going to be able to love Simon again (false). In this moment there's this feeling of emptiness. He has nothing he actually cares about, and he wishes that he never cared in the first place.

It feels so scary, getting old- He wasn't supposed to fill this role, giving a speech as the Crown Prince of Sweden about his brother's passing. Wilhelm's character (obviously) fundamentally switches after Erik's death. He used to be a lot sillier, more reckless and more willing to fight back against his parents. But now he's got every single eye on him, watching him. Put into an adult role at the age of sixteen, forced to carry the burden of spare his whole childhood, then suddenly forced to be the sole heir. Even if he had planned to maybe one day be the heir (which he didn't, judging by the he should be here instead of me comment) it wasn't supposed to happen until he was older and wiser. He stops acting like a kid because he can't be a kid anymore. The cuts between the frog/getting the frog/breaking the globe aimed to emphasise this. He's lost all connection to his brother, he's in a place he didn't expect to be until he was extremely old (if ever), and he's lost control of his own life.

We can talk it so good, we can make it so divine, we can talk it good how we wish it would be all the time- I wanted to frame Simon in this as a sort of healthy distraction for Wilhelm. He was the only person in his life who actually looked out for him and cared. They're happy and they're smiling, all the clips are intimate even if there's someone else there. It highlights how they care. It's good, it's divine. It's what kept him happy after the hardest thing in his life (so far). In this edit, he desperately wants it back because he knows how much it helped. It was the only bright thing he had. The cutting to Wilhelm alone in s2 after how we wish it would be all the time just aims to really enforce that he wished it was still like that, wishing for someone who truly cared and loved him. It's all yearning, pining, wishing things were better. Every single clip is a clip in which Wilhelm has been pining over Simon. There's an ache he expresses that was just so, so important to this edit.

This dream isn't feeling sweet- Lots of clips of Wilhelm trying to process things. He's been forced to change his entire life, after all being a prince is a privilege, not a punishment. The 'dream' of being royal crushes him, despite the fact he can't ever voice it. Walking down the halls of his castle, sitting in his private boarding school therapy session with an actual therapist, being driven home in a private car from the party where he was filmed fighting. These luxuries juxtaposed with his actual circumstances hurt. He can't complain because he's got it best in the country, but it isn't a system designed for him, it doesn't want to help him, it wants to make him conform. It isn't fair, but he can't say that.

We're reeling through the midnight streets- He's forcing himself to try and fit the mould while also being himself, and all it causes is pain. He's actively fighting against the institution he was raised in simply by existing. The panic attack from being perceived holding Simon's hand. Deleting his contact after his mother told him 'no more mistakes.' Trying to play nice at the dinner table even though his whole life was crumbling around him and the institution was failing everyone even though nobody believed him. The panic attack/anxiety vomit from Simon going public, against Wilhelm's institution, knowing that he might not be able to protect him. He's got no control in any of these scenes, its a desperate fight against himself. He's a publicity risk to his own family if he is true to himself, and he's a risk to himself if he isn't.

And I've never felt more alone- Desperately trying to comfort himself when nobody else can (or wants to) comfort him. After the fight at the party all his family cared about was the PR response. When August said that Simon would take the fall for the drugs, all he cared about was getting Alexander back. During the uniform tailoring, all Jan-Olof cared about was tradition and making Simon as background as he could. When Wilhelm gave up meditating to soothe his anxiety, he was upset at his inability to calm down, despite the fact he's never been given an opportunity to be calm. Nobody really knows about his mental health struggles, he just has to fight through them and desperately try to self-soothe. Nobody else will comfort him after all.

It feels so scary getting old- Each of these scenes show Wilhelm being viewed as his role instead of being viewed as a person. He clearly struggles with being viewed as just the Crown Prince of Sweden, especially since that was never supposed to be his role, so of course it hurts when he's viewed as just a pawn in the Royal Family. Especially from people he loves. Yes, it was undeniably hard when he first became the Crown Prince, and it absolutely would've crushed him to know that when he had a panic attack he couldn't be alone. But these scenes are interlaced with him being viewed as a political pawn by Simon and his mother. People he loves, people he trusts. He's just a public statement to his mother, and he's just a human representation of the Crown to Simon (in these scenes not in general ofc). He's never going to be able to be his own person again, because he's got a country to run when he grows up and a public image to form between now and then.

This dream isn't feeling sweet- The lyrics are now getting more compounding, it's louder and it's closer. He's fighting to be heard, he's being ripped off of his desk, he's forcing down a panic attack because he needs to be happy for Simon. His emotions aren't allowed, he can't feel anything negative so he won't feel anything at all. Nothing in his life feels good anymore, so he's fighting the losing battle to just try to break even. Nobody would dream of this, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. He can't even voice that, though.

We're reeling through the midnight streets- Now he's reminiscing about when things were easier, but they weren't, really. Yes, the placard was there the night he first kissed Simon, but that was also the beginning of the horrific realisation he wasn't built for the world he is forced to live in. His mother says 'no more mistakes' and he already knows it means he has to leave Simon. When that doesn't work and it all falls out, he's left to try and clean his own image up by nailing the closet shut with every fibre of his being. His life wasn't better, he's grasping for anything to show him life will be okay again. Everything has crumbled and now he's got nothing, so he yearns for when he had something, even if it was just something to lose.

And I've never felt more alone- He is constantly left. Something that isn't brought up enough is how often he's just abandoned. He has no one to talk to, he's forced to work through his struggles alone because his existence is political and any sign of weakness being public could reflect badly on his family. He becomes the embodiment of the Prince he could never be. Walking to the lake and reminiscing about when he would be happy there. Being left alone by his brother, who didn't even reply to him asking to say hi to his mother and father, who he then never sees in person again. Then wearing his brother's jacket. He's alone, and all he does is pine for a time when he wasn't. All he wants to do is go back and do it all again, and he can't. But he also can't move forward, he doesn't want to, he doesn't know how.

It feels so scary- Only two scenes so I'll discuss 'em one by one: -At Erik's funeral, there's a more literal fear of getting old. I don't want to repeat myself more than I already have but obviously, that forced Wilhelm to grow up and be more mature, and act like a Crown Prince instead of just the Prince. More attention, less room for error. He's terrified of fucking it up, and there's nobody who can help him. -The breakup scene is more metaphorical. He has to grow up and figure out what he wants to do with his life, while also having to grow to understand what he actually has the ability to do with his life. He's not ready to do this because he wants things to be good and happy but it was ripped away from him. He can't just pretend everything is alright anymore, but the amount of maturing he needs to do seems impossible at this moment, especially knowing he was in love with a boy when he wasn't allowed to be. He tries to be both a Prince and Wilhelm and all it did was betray his boyfriend's trust.

getting old- Wilhelm shutting his computer and pressing his hands to his eyes. It's exhausting. He's exhausted. Constantly working to try and be who he's supposed to be as well as being himself and trying to navigate his emotions in a vulnerable state is just too much. He can't carry it all, so he just gives up for a moment. It all goes quiet, but not in a good way. When you're that overwhelmed, the lack of anything just leaves more room to spiral.

FONT CHOICES

Intro: literally my handwriting. I wanted this to feel personal and almost like a desperate written plea to go back to when it was good, and what's more personal than my own handwriting am I right!!!

First chorus loop: Magazine font, it's in pieces and it doesn't match. There's a sporadic chaos, like he's beginning to feel it but it isn't there yet. The text isn't fully opaque, it's in front of him. We're seeing it before he does in this context. Trying to reflect how the media knows things before he does, like his brothers death, the tape leaking, all that good stuff.

Second chorus loop: Big, Bold, Unavoidable! I rotobrushed Wilhelm in every scene so that the text could be intertwined with him. He can't escape the reality of his situation, he is getting crushed by these feelings. The song gets louder and more claustrophobic, the text is in the scenes with him. It haunts him, it's everywhere. When he closes the laptop and it all goes silent, its not relaxing, it just makes you anxious in a different way.

COLOURING

I actually chose the blues from the intro scene, mainly in the night sky bit of the frame. Also! All the happy Wilmon scenes have a higher saturation, though you can't tell because of how I did the colouring. It just results in them being a little bit brighter, because things were good then and I believe it should feel good then, too.

[riverthebooknerd]

LINKED UNIVERSE HEADCANONS BECAUSE FUCK YOU

(mostly wild, time, twilight, sky, and wind centric cuz those are the main games i've played)

they're all trans

people think that time is the dad of the group but nah. it's twilight

four uses "we/us" pronouns (they/them but actually plural)

wild will either cook the most delicious fucking food you've ever seen in your goddamn life or a pile of rocks (canon)

wind can see ghosts. they all know this. however, sometimes he'll say that there's a spooky ghost when there's not just to freak them out (wild knows. he doesn't say shit bc it's funny)

sky can cook one (1) dish and it's pumpkin soup (he learned after he had to work at the lumpy pumpkin to repay them for breaking shit) (everything else he makes is inedible)

most of them are nonverbal (bc autism and also ptsd)

you'd think that time knows sign language but NO because he grew up in a forest around fairies who don't have? visible hands?? i think?? (he learns sign from wild)

also i've seen people say that time Doesn't Cuss which is simply Not True. let him say fuck. he deserves to say fuck.

the only one of them who doesn't cuss is probably sky. but there are exceptions

actually no i take it back. that fucker says fuck too

All Of Them Should Say Swear Words

please they're so tired just let them say fuck

the ones who have a hookshot are ecstatic to tell the ones without a hookshot about the joys of using it (ex: sky showing it off to wild, who has stars in his eyes, talking about how it'd make climbing in the rain so much easier)

speaking of sky and wild- the realize that there's a merchant named beetle in both of their eras. weird as shit. sky is like "wtf" but wild kinda just nods and goes "yeah okay why not sounds about right tbh"

nightmares

nightmares

have i mentioned nightmares? because they all have nightmares

also nearly all of them have had Queer Encounters and they vent about it!!

sky talking about how ghiriham was UNFAIRLY hot

twilight still sad over midna :( (they're gay btw don't question it they just are)

(wind is an exception bc. he's a fuckin child)

wild lowkey bein like "yeah tbh.... ganondorf before he was mummified?"

time has a wife. time loves his wife

wasn't there that one ship with hyrule/ravio?? haven't played that game so idk but they seem gay (edit: oop it was legend/ravio not hyrule/ravio lololol)

fuck what was this post about again?

they all sleep with a weapon under their pillow (or with no pillow!! just weapon! :] )

some of them (sky) are very heavy sleepers while others (time) are very light sleepers

it's a nice balance because twilight and wild will wake up at the ass crack of dawn and then wind won't wake up until noon. they make a schedule

people also portray them as being So Fucking Awkward but i disagree. have you PLAYED a zelda game? these fuckers will waltz into town, fix every single person's problems, and become the new village icon in the span of two hours. they're so fucking friendly omfg

like these fuckers have fought MONSTERS they've fought DRAGONS and CORPSES and the KING OF EVIL they ain't afraid of a little human interaction (except when they are)

hylia will throw them in a room together and they'll all be like "hi!! :] am link i go hyah" "omg no way me too!! :0 look at my shiny sword and my bag of bombs" "sick"

sky would be like so fucking guilty like "im sorry i failed and got cursed by a demon king guys :(((" and everyone else would be like "oh nah don't even worry about it lmao happens to all of us"

maybe i'll make a pt 2 once i finish my homework who knows

[superfluouskeys]

i wave my wand & command u to speak on hopeless, a fic that has lived in my bookmarks for time immemorial.

ohhhhh thank youuu!!!  hopeless was my first wolgraha fic!  It was based on 10 kiss prompts that I decided to make loosely related and kind of flesh out a story for my WoL.  I was just going along cheerfully enjoying FFXIV until Shadowbringers but idk man several things about that part of the story just have my number on speed dial you know!  I was like okay I’m gonna have to write for this to get the rocks out of my brain, ergo I’m gonna have to actually develop an OC.

I pretty much made Adrienne specifically to ship her w/ G’raha so I find it extremely funny a. how quickly I became attached to her for her own sake and b. how I feel her chemistry w/ other characters developed since she was initially conceptualized to complement G’raha specifically LOL.  I previously had a hard time “bonding” with my own OCs and I feel this really marked a turning point in that regard where I was able to focus in on character ideas that really appealed to me enough to form that connection, if that makes sense.

There’s also like a huge gap in my AO3 works from March 2020 until January 2021 when I started writing for FFXIV.  I remember I kept wanting to say something about what I was going through at the time and how I was feeling about my writing and about writing generally, but anything I tried to say barely made any sense because I think I didn’t even know what was going on with me.  There was a period of time where I felt like maybe I just wouldn’t write anymore because I didn’t have it in me.  Nothing inspired me, and nothing I had been working on pre-pandemic even remotely appealed to me anymore.  I felt like it had been written by someone else.

In retrospect, it makes perfect sense, right?  But it was hard to understand the feeling from the middle of it.  And I didn’t want to be cold or disrespectful to the people who have loved my work over the years, but I also couldn’t find a good way of venting my frustration about how I was feeling, so I think I often ended up coming off that way despite my best intentions.

So my main goal in doing the kiss prompts was to not angst about them too much, to just get them done without much editing, and to write something fairly different from what I usually wrote in the past.  I felt like it would be a good challenge for me because as I mentioned I really love unresolved tension and agonizing slow burn, but I think maybe I love it too much LOL, so sometimes when it finally came time for the culmination of the tension I would freeze up because I had built it up so much that I was afraid the payoff wouldn’t be good enough!  Ten shortish prompts where they literally had to kiss felt like a perfect low-stress challenge to help shake my brain loose on this very specific issue, and for that reason I think it’s very sweet and pleasant to read where a lot of my other work is more fraught and angsty LOL.

I really don’t even know if this dialogue feels particularly in character, I was straight up just calling myself out for a laugh:

A dull terror is beginning to take root in her heart, the one that has borne the loss of countless others, the one that has already lost him twice over, and she searches her mind frantically for something to say, something that will keep her from spoiling the moment with things she can’t do anything about. “Is that your idea of a proper courtship?” she wonders, instead, trying at a teasing tone. G’raha looks up.  “Is it not to your liking?” he counters.  “If you’d prefer, I could go and sit across the room.” “You’ll do no such thing!”  Adrienne tightens her grip on him instinctively. G’raha’s grin widens, and his tone turns dramatic.  “Perhaps in a few months, our hands will brush, and I’ll write you a sad letter about it.” “I hate you so much.”  Adrienne laughs weakly, but she cannot bring herself to loosen her grip on him, lest he slip away from her yet again in her negligence. “I don’t think that’s true,” says G’raha pleasantly.

It’s funny, now that my life is like pretty normal and okay again, I’m back to mostly liking fraught and angsty things, but at the time I feel my personal life was so bad that I really needed sweet and pleasant in my escapism!

Fanfic Writer Director's Cut Ask Game!

[graceful-not]

Alright.. this is kind of a brain dump, really. Just some things I've been letting boil in my brain for a bit... This might be kinda long though, so I'll be putting it under a read more.

SBSBBSBS NOTE: THIS ISNT LIKE SOME VENT OR ANYTHING ITS about the officialverse/general writing shit and like. Me analyzing stuff. Bc. I want to. The topics gonna jump a lot.

Oh edit btw forgot to mention; it's perfectly fine to RB!! I encourage it I love seeing y'all's thoughts on my stuff. Please argue with me (in a safe and loving way)

Idk... It's just. The whole point of a RP is that it's a multiple person experience, yeah, but there are parts of a character that people have made that need to see light. I generally make support characters so everyone else can go buckwild and have fun (being the healer in RPGs, etc etc etc), and that doesn't just carry over to stats. If you look at Lyra, she's a genuinely interesting person with a rich past, and she FEELS real! Why is that? Because, well.. she doesn't infodump about her life to every person she meets- I can't really speak because the way I make characters is that I start with what they look like and a general base personality/backstory, plus things their good at, make the rest up as I rp (plus revise old stuff). She wasn't always a licensed therapist, I just looked at how everyone else was going and molded her character to fit the current group while she was still new and impressionable- she filled the roles that were lacking. When there's an excess angst, you need a person for your character to spill their traumatic past to. Shes that person, and it helps for her to be professionally qualified to do it, so it's never out of character.

But.. the group has changed. A lot. And I've rped things in the past that make ZERO sense for her character. (She was low-key manipulative at some points-) and with the whole The Haze(period of time in which no one was rping and online for like. A WHIILE.) Everyone's characters have changed and.. she can't really keep up with the status quo. All this stuff changing and moving and shifting- I mean she's trying to be supportive but I can't even really let her have a proper mental breakdown so she can grow because the narrative is dealing with way more important things!!!! There's no time! People might die!!

..

I guess, pulling back into what I was talking about earlier with the infodumping.. RP is supposed to be fun, absolutely correct!! Don't be perfect. Do fuck all. Screw around!!!! But.. it has to be fun for everyone, you know? There's like. The general rp rules, (don't kill another person's character without consent, don't be an asshole or no one will reply to ur rp threads,) etc etc but.. an important one is to just.

Give breathing room.

Let the characters breathe. In between arcs, allow time for fluff or recovery yeah, but also make sure that.. you don't pile things on. You risk pushing people out of the narrative when you put extra things in. For example, Vina, Ellie, Wasabi and Lyra totally just got overshadowed, which makes sense because flower was having a HER moment!! Lots of exiting plot is happening for her and I'm proud! Except then there's all the M!As and then brainwashing anon who may or may not tie into the previous stuff, and then ALSO e!lavender and now their in a forest? Which makes sense for flower I guess but how the fuck did vina get there? Inviz?

I guess just. Don't pile on problem after problem or idea after idea before you solve one. Sub plots are needed, yes, but sub plots should either be there for breathing room or to further the greater narrative, which is currently like. Whatever the fuck happened during The Haze, what the fucks up with this corporation,etc etc. current subplots that further that would be like BW(brainwashing) anon, Flowers whole metal thing, etc etc.

There's obviously going to be personal plots!! Plots that your character is working on within them. Lyra worrying and sorta having a crisis about all the shit happening, Wasabi's recovery, Inviz trying to find out what the fuck happened with his anon blaster. Those are all things that only a select few people really interfere with, and theyre instead explained through thoughts and narration.

Also: UTILIZE NARRATION PLEAAASSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I love you all but DIALOGUE IS NOT THE ONLY WAY TO SHOW EMOTION your repressed character dealing with extreme trauma isn't gonna go

"Oh im just here because I'm new and my parents abandoned me here because they knew the chief and were about to die, the wings are from my mom who is an angel."

"oh yea where's the bathroom btw" PLEAASE let your characters SHOW their internal dialogue, like maybe

"OH- sorry, still getting used to this where's the bathroom?"

What she didn't want to say was that it was actually her first day. She attempted to hide her wings by folding them into her back. She didnt want any questions about it, even if she would like to talk about it to someone..

That gives the other person space to let their character decide if they notice the other person looking a bit distressed, and for both of you to sort of get to know how each others characters interact BEFORE jumping into the heavy plot. Give it time!

Alright bye love y'all ❤️

[theperfectblonde]

I’m gonna say that rules surrounding ED Tumblr is SO backwards - people are getting termed literally for being mentally ill, and like granted there’s a lot of triggering content on an ED blog but I have NEVER seen another community so obsessed with putting content/trigger warnings in their bios, their pinned post, their tags, and sometimes even their headers!! ED tumblr is on TOP of it and the first thing people say on their blogs is to get the fuck out of there if you don’t like what you see or if you don’t already have an ED!!!

And the fact that there are people supposedly going on a crusade to report these blogs?? Who’s doing that!!! What is it accomplishing!!! Never mind that there is a very thin line between “aesthetic” blogs posting half-naked thinspo girls (not a dig, just a double standard on the porn ban and anorexic inspo) and “fitness” blogs run by people who aren’t professionals who give out the same kind of advice that ED blogs do (again not a dig, but spreading health misinformation should also technically be termed, right? Overexercising and under-eating? Yeah.).

Meanwhile I’ve seen SO many blogs that *actually* break the rules people say ED tumblr is; for example there’s a lot of feederism/gainer kink accounts that *actually* promote an unhealthy lifestyle (and again I’m not shaming, different strokes, but it’s the fact that there’s the juxtaposition and the double standard that people with a vent blog will get termed repeatedly but there are people out there who have kink blogs that actively encourage other people to gain weight specifically using unhealthy methods, with no content warnings and no explanation that it’s all part of the fantasy or that it’s unhealthy, etc. in the way that ED tumblr does. Like I’ve seen a lot of things where the kink is very specifically to eat yourself to death.). Also a lot of sh or emo or other mentally ill vent blogs where I’ve literally seen people post fresh cuts UNTAGGED and without a “see more” under the cut button, people talking about killings themselves and committing suicide but like… going into detail about it, and then making content out of it whether it’s poetry or photography or edits or whatever, and it’s extremely graphic. Like… I’ve NEVER (or rarely come across) that on ED tumblr.

I’m not saying I agree with all of tumblrs rules, I don’t even think people with those blog types I mentioned need to be taken away honestly just so long as they’re staying in their own lane and not actively harming anyone else. However, if you’re going to enforce it so strictly on one community, then it needs to be applicable to EVERYONE who breaks those rules, right? They’re “Community Guideline’s”, right?? So how come sh, suicide vent blogs, aesthetic, fitspo, feeder/gainer kink blogs, etc. who all post content in the same vein as what ED tumblr users are being termed for, are allowed to exist? How come they don’t have to deal with constantly having their accounts termed?

I just can’t stop thinking though about HOW targeted and harassed ED tumblr is in particular, EVEN THOUGH there are blogs out there that do the EXACT same thing and have never been taken down before! It’s just bizarre that there’s some kind of intense stigma surrounding a mental illness, but accounts who are willingly and knowingly engaging in a kink or a hobby don’t go through the same things even though they’re posting the same kind of content.

Idk man. I’ve never lost my account before and I’d honestly be devastated if I did bc it weirdly has a lot of sentimental value to me outside of ED stuff but I just can’t stop thinking about what I see and the differential treatment I see and it bothers me and since this is my journal/vent account I needed to write it out lol.

[ntamain]

Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she's gay?

another gay gem from the r/relationship reddit

Update:

Image ID under the cut, please let me know if I did it wrong!

[Image ID: four screenshots of a post from the relationship subreddit by tumblr user nta-main. The title reads “Is my (24F) neighbour (27F) into me or is she just being friendly? How do I know if she’s gay?”

The text reads “Update post is now locked, I cant believe so many people were interested in us!! Thank you again for your support, comments and messages.

Hi all, I can't believe I'm asking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet but I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Sorry for the incoming essay but I guess I need to give history. I bought my first house in September last year, It was an odd time but everything just fell into place. It's quite a small village and everyone is really friendly so I got to know my neighbours soon after moving in - yes, socially distanced. Then I met my over-the-road neighbour, let's call her Elle. I can't describe it but it's the first time I've ever met someone and been lost for words and my heart was racing and just thought "omg", y'know?? So after I blushed my way through a welcome to the village type convo we only saw each other for a wave and hello for a few days.

To help kinda settle in I had my dog (Bea) with me for the first few weeks. During this time there was a massive increase in dog thefts in a nearby town, not just from gardens but literally wrestled away from people. If I'd have been working (furloughed off and on since March) then I would've taken Bea back to mum's but since I was home with her all day she stayed. So the local police advised to not walk dogs alone but we go out twice a day, a 10k run in the morning and a few miles walk in the evening. So obvs this scares me, but at the same time she is honestly a pain in the arse and gets upset if she doesn't go for a run and needs to be tired out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. Then along comes Elle. She knocked on the door and offered to come with us as she'd seen Bea and me in the evenings and everything kind of spiralled from there. I told her about my morning runs but she didn't really bite so I thought nothing of it. Then a few days later I bumped into her on a run, so she started joining us on those too.

A few months later and we are spending more and more time together everyday. It has now progressed to a run early morning, afternoon coffee, dinner most evenings and then the evening walk. It just seemed to happen without me really noticing. I didn't read into things that much as I don't want to get my hopes up and ruin anything until another neighbour commented about how much time we spend together and how "it's nice to see you young gals getting on" and winked. She actually winked at me. I asked her what she meant but she just laughed and said "you know what I mean". So now I'm looking back on things and wondering if she could like me too?

Here's some reasons why she might like me:

I went running along the same route at the same time for nearly 2 weeks before I happened to run into her a few days after I told her this?

I make her a coffee every afternoon (Elle is WFH) and take it over in her fave mug. She says I make good coffee but I'm pretty sure I saw a fancy coffee machine the first time I went round (it's not there now?).

Elle carried on running and walking with me even after Bea went home. I told her she was going back to mum's and she said well "I'll have to make another excuse to join you" and then we just carried on everyday.

She has tried really hard to bond with Bea. Bea is a very anxious dog and is scared of everyone except me and mum. Elle bought special treats to give her everyday and has been so amazing with her and never tried to force anything. When I asked her she said "it's important to me that she likes me and is comfortable". Bea actually fell asleep between us on the sofa yesterday and It just makes my heart skip a beat guys.

She invited me to the zoom quiz she does with her friends every fortnight or so and they were all like "oh so this is who we've heard so much about "

We realised we had become each other's support bubble. Elle asked if I was meeting anyone else and I said no, she said she was glad she had me all to herself (!!)

We gave each other quite personal xmas presents. Like, it actually made me tear up it meant so much to me. And she bought stuff for Bea!!

Reasons why she might not like me:

All the reasons above, but that she's just doing them because she's a fucking great person and we're friends?

It might sound dumb but idk I need your help guys. She is the just the most incredible person I have ever met and I really really like her but if she isn't gay or doesn't feel the same I don't want to lose her friendship as she has become such a huge part of my life. I genuinely have no experience with these kind of things as I went to quite a strict all girls school, so it's not as if there were any relationships around me as a teen and then I went to a very small uni (8 of us on my course). I guess another reason is that I've struggled with anxiety and depression for the past 10 years, as well as my weight and working on my self confidence, but I can say that right now I am the happiest and healthiest (both mentally and physically) I have ever been. I've only just really become comfortable with the fact that I'm gay and I have never really told anyone in real life, but I don't think people would be too surprised lol. I don't have any close friends as no one stuck around when I was really struggling with my MH a few years ago so I can't discuss this with anyone irl.

So I need your advice : how do I find out if she is gay? And no, I don't have the confidence to just ask!! What if she says no and I ruin everything? She has never mentioned anything about past relationships and I'm pretty tactless so not sure how I could naturally slip it into the convo. Like, "hey tell me have you ever had a girlfriend? Do you want one now?" Lol. And how can I make a move without really making a move so I don't ruin things??

tl;dr : Don't know whether my neighbour is gay and into me or is just really friendly. How can I make a move without ruining our friendship?

Edit: Ok guys, thank you so so much for all your support and encouragement. You've all given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to casually slip some gay stuff into conversation and see how she reacts. Then bring up the neighbours comment like some of you suggested, seeing as tho the neighbour was heavily implying that we're gay. I'll do it tonight otherwise I'll talk myself out of it again. I will post an update to let you know what happens (eek). If you never hear from me again assume it went badly and I am consoling myself with cake and watching brokeback mountain in floods of tears.

Hi reddit, yes it's me the useless lesbian. First off I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice - and the undeserved awards! I never expected this many of you to take the time to comment and that so many of you were rooting for us.

So I had the plan to drop these gay hints into convo like you guys suggested but honestly it all went out the window. Elle was kinda stressed friday after a shitty work zoom and just needed to vent so it wasnt the right time to start anything. Though I guess I must have been a bit off thanks to spending all day overthinking things on here, as Elle turned up Saturday morning rambling about stressing me out and apologised (!!) for ruining dinner. Obvs I said "what are you talking about you can talk to me about anything", and she said "anything?" and I said "anything" back. And guys the tension was unreal, staring at each other and hoping our lesbian mind reading powers would kick in.

Then there was some loud noise like a car backfiring or something and the moment went. So I went to make coffee and then Elle asked me why I was a bit quiet the night before and I said something about overthinking stuff and she said "what stuff" and idk you guys I wasnt prepared to be put on the spot my casual gay pop culture references were useless in this moment. My mind just went completely blank and I forgot every single thing you guys suggested and my heart was pounding and I just blurted out you know I like you, right?.

...And then she kissed me. Kissed me. We straight up just snogged in the kitchen and it was fucking great. So...you were right. You were all fucking right. She's gay, she likes me and has been trying to drop hints for nearly 5 months. sigh

We were both just too scared to make a move or ruin anything. Turns out she's been burned by straight girls in the past, so she's pretty wary and was hoping I'd straight up say I'm a lesbian so she'd know for sure - maybe the I'm a lesbian wall hanging would've been a good idea after all? Her friends have been helping her drop hints, she showed me the group chat and guys their suggestions ranged from flirting more to just turning up in a trenchcoat and nothing else lol. Also, the winking neighbour has been making comments to her as well, so shout out to her for trying to make this happen too.

So no cake and cry watching brokeback mountain, just 5 months of dating to catch up on. As for worrying about how our current schedule could be more date like during lockdown, you were right it's kinda irrelevant when you've essentially been dating the whole time. Though we never made it to our morning run yesterday, in fact we didn't leave the house at all, ha.

Thank you guys for giving me hope, even if all your suggestions completely disappeared in the moment. Maybe I'll show her the post later and ask if any of the suggestions would have worked.

tl;dr: she's gay, into me and I'm an idiot”

End image ID]

[paperstarwriters]

Untimely Thirst

I am not a MegOp shipper. I don’t mind it and it can look hekka cute at times, but I am not an active shipper of it, so take the fic with a grain of salt. It’s a Vampire/Werewolf au fic based off of this thread from @optimus-audio-fins​ and @yeetmetothehell​ (Sorry if you didn’t wanna be tagged I kinda just assumed) Also this is my first MegOp fic so... I’m a bit unused to it. Sorry.

I’m also gonna warn you that there are a few innuendos that slipped in and I’m really freaking sorry but someone is sucking someone else’s energon, OK? not my fault we decide to say the “Vampire sucked him dry” (or maybe I’m a bit dirty minded IDK) Also this has little to no editing! why? Easy, I’m lazy. Don’t hold it against me. If you find any major errors feel free to point them out. I don’t mind going in and changing things.

Having said that, enjoy!

Looking back on it, Optimus should not have jumped right back into battle after nearly getting his aft handed to him by those monster hunters. He most certainly should have taken heed of Ratchet’s warnings and even more so, he should have taken something to drink. 

Although the humans have expressed their interest and lack of fear from the fact that Optimus is basically a “space vampire” he still did not want them to learn about some of the other aspects that come with a pair of fangs. He is much more than a glorified bat— he can’t even turn into a bat! He couldn’t exactly blame them of course, their encounters with his kind were often quick and without explanation, so humans had to make up some information to explain the event to themselves. Whatever the case, he would much rather listen to Miko ask for the hundredth time if he would turn into a bat than be in this predicament.

A fight in an energon mine was something that did not often end up well, this was no exception. Too many shots deflected from themselves instead hit the walls or pillars of the cave, and now they were stuck, an enclosure far too cramped to fight in, but large enough that they could at least sit apart like civilized mechs. They were able to stand before, but between their attempts at fighting and the attempts of blasting a hole to escape, they were forced to sit together and wait for help to arrive. 

Meanwhile, Megatron fared arguably worse, at least in his own eyes. Optimus showed no sign of his predicament, while Megatron was forced to display it before himself.  During the fight he had intended to utilize his own extra ability, termed “werewolf” by humans. Aeons fighting as a gladiator allowed him to regulate his transformation, meaning he could hang in a range between his usual form and going for a full wolf, but something about Unicron’s blood affected his transformation. It took much longer to return to normal and unless he wished to walk around with dog ears and a tail he rarely turned. Today however, was a fight against Optimus. He brought his all to every match as he always did, and as a consequence, he sat in this enclosed place with Optimus trying desperately to hide his furiously wagging tail. It didn’t help that his scent filled their little room, only making his tail wag faster, and his ears twitch as he longed to rest them upon his chassis to listen to the soft thrum of his spark.

Both with their own hardships to hide, they sat, silently. Awkwardly. It was going to stay that way until they were saved. Correction, it was supposed to stay that way until they were saved. Optimus’ needs however did not relent and weighed down on him heavier than the stones above their helm. In his unwilling observations of Optimus his hardships did not go unnoticed by Megatron. The way his frame rattled as he shook, and his labored ex-venting, that caused him to flare his fangs. Not to mention the unnaturally brighter glow of his optics. In the same way Orion would have his occasional hunger pangs, Optimus, despite being a prime, still craved. Without thinking, Megatron spoke up.

“Do you need a drink?” 

He even offered his arm. It hung there a moment, while Optimus’ jaw remained in his lap. Megatron did not fare much better than a series of “ah, um, well” spilling from his vocalizer in the same fashion Starscream did when he was seriously considering the pros and cons of tearing off his wings. Or more horrifyingly, the same string of noises Orion made when he first offered his energon for him to drink. 

It took a moment for Optimus to regain his senses. Of all the things to happen that was not one of them. It took the feeling of fluids dribbling from the corners of his mouth for him to snap it shut, and consequently snap his mask on right after it.

“No.” It was flat. Bitter. Fake. His usual response, his usual demeanor against his enemy. The dance they both knew for so long. Megatron could work with this. 

“Why Prime?” he grinned, lopsided and cocky, flashing his own sharpened denta and trying to ignore how his tail seemed to pick up the pace. “Afraid I may stab you in the back? As we’ve already confirmed we cannot do that here. After all, it is your denta in my lines. If I tried anything too suspicious for you you could easily drain me. No?”

His heating fans kicked in. A loud roar amidst the silent little cavern they were stuck in, and a louder roar in Megatron’s ears. He couldn’t help it though, he did want to taste Megatron’s energon again. It was sweet, intoxicatingly so, and even more so after a battle. He could drink it for hours if he was allowed to, but that would mean that he’d hurt his friend, and in the past that’s what inevitably stopped him. Now, however, that barrier was worn down. He had no qualms about punching him, shooting at him, or even attempting to sheath his blades in his chassis. It did not however mean that he wanted him dead. No, he only wanted him back. Aeons of war and he still thought in that same foolish way he did as an archivist. Ratchet was right, he did go soft. 

“I do not want or need your energon Megatron,” he lied, staring him straight in the eye as he did. “Even if I did, it’s tainted.” 

That was true. Dark energon pulsed along with his usual energon intake, and for the first time in a long time, Megatron cursed Unicron’s blood. He didn’t have any feasible reason to convince Optimus to drink his energon. Tainted now with dark energon, his own energon must have smelled disgusting. It must have seemed revolting. At the very least he did not have to worry about his wagging tail anymore.

“It’s not like you have much of a choice.” It felt like an excuse— one he was trying to tell himself rather than Optimus. “By the way you sound, I doubt you would be able to hold up until any help arrives, yours and mine.” He leaned back smirking as he was once more granted the upper hand. “Even if you do, how hungry would you be by then? What would you do if it was your precious medic that came around? Or perhaps the scout Bumblebee? Would you drain them at first glance?” He bit his glossia then forcing his train of thought to a halt before he began to spill too much.

That… That was a good excuse to drink from Megatron’s lines again. Dark energon or not, Optimus craved to sink his denta into his proto-flesh again. To relish in the taste of energon pouring down his throat directly from Megatron’s lines. It always felt as if it was being pumped right to his awaiting glossia when he drank it right after Megatron came back from a battle. Sure, Ratchet’s energon tasted nice as well, but nothing seemed to beat the sweet flavor he got from Megatron. It took a lot of willpower just to keep himself from revving his engines, a bad habit that occurred when he got excited, carried on from his life as Orion pax. One that Megatron would most certainly notice and recognize. As much as he wanted to— as much as he craved it, he still refused to drop his guard. Why was Megatron so intent on supplying him energon anyways?

“Why...Why do you want me... to drink from you?” he managed through heavy ex-vents. It was getting bad. Incredibly bad. 

It was most certainly getting bad. Caught red handed for something he did not think about. For all his planning and consideration to convince Optimus to drink from him, he never managed to formulate a feasible excuse. For now, at least, he had to buy time. 

“Why indeed,” he wondered aloud, forcing his face into a sly grin. He allowed himself a pause to consider his next words carefully, cautious to save a part of his processor to regulate his face. “Perhaps it is to ensure that none of my troops are felled by your fangs.” That sounded… okay… right?

Apparently it did not as Optimus arched an optical ridge. “I was unaware you still cared for your crew, considering you did not raise a digit to aid them as the mine collapsed.” Right. There were most certainly a good number of Vehicons that may be caught in the rubble, and Megatron was far too preoccupied fighting Optimus to care. Optimus on the other hand did his best to ensure his team was safe, even amidst fighting him.

He chuckled at the comment and smirked, a look that irked and irritated Optimus. Just let him suffer in peace already. The more this dragged on the more he could feel his defenses wear down. “Well, Prime, perhaps I wanted to see you succumb to your… oh, what was it called again?” No. He knew well what it was called and he refused. “I recall Orion talking all about it once… ah yes, an energon frenzy, wasn’t it?” If he was in that state, he could rip him apart. Turn feral with barely a twitch of an optic. Of course that was what Megatron wanted. Force him to fight on his level. Like a gladiator, only concerned for their own life. Like a monster, without thinking. It made his lines run cold.

Perhaps he overstepped his bounds. Optimus was no longer trembling, his armor instead clamping around his frame. Even his auditals which Megatron had taken to watching twitch back and forth while Optimus wasn’t looking now froze in place before they lowered in the same manner he would flatten his ears against his helm. The only remaining reminder of his hunger was in the burn of his optics, now glowing far brighter than it did before, the bright beams focused right on him in a hateful glare. A spotlight for him and him alone, and one he was used to returning with a smile.

They glared at one another, a glare that any from their own teams would be interpreted as hateful glares, seeking to eagerly claw out one another’s optics if only the situation had been better. Instead, two masks faced one another—

I want to drink Megatron’s energon!

I want Optimus to drink my energon!

—both hiding the same thing.

They sat there for a few more minutes, glaring before the tremors returned. They were barely noticeable at first if not for the aid of Megatron’s heightened hearing. Slowly that grin became real. He grew eager awaiting Optimus’ inevitable unravel before him. Simultaneously, Optimus’ scowl, revealed once his battle mask snapped back from the increasing tremors, became more real as well. He did not wish to succumb to Megatron’s wishes, but more so, he did not want to end up sucking Megatron dry.

The tremors increased, and the haze was beginning to seep into his processor. Everything smelled so heavily of energon— likely because they were in a collapsed energon mine— but it smelled specifically of Megatron’s energon. His spark spun in his chest as the dizzying urge overtook his processor, crawling over his shielding walls and forcing his optics to snap away. To look away, to look anywhere else but at Megatron.

He leaned onto his servos now, mouth opening and closing as he panted, showing off his denta glowing red as they were caught in the spotlight of his optics. He was only vaguely aware of his wagging tail as he watched Optimus come undone. It took a tremendous amount of willpower to keep himself from bending as well, he wanted Optimus to ask him, but if it took any longer…

“Megatron.” He sounded so strangely weak despite the bright intensity of his optics. “May I drink your energon?”

There’s drool slipping past his fangs, dripping down his chin and onto the floor, but he cannot find the will inside himself to care. He’s so, so thirsty, and while any energon would suffice at this point, he doesn’t want anyone else’s. Even if help were to arrive, just in the bare nick of time, both the Autobots and the Decepticons would have to pry him from Megatron. Even though Megatron offered first, it still comes as a surprise when he immediately raises his arm before him. Optimus is only vaguely aware of the soft and subtle thump as Megatron’s tail hits the ground in it’s furious wagging, but he doesn’t have the mind to process such or to even care. He traces the seams in his armour, mostly the same since he last drank from him, and he opens his mouth to sink his fangs into the proto-flesh at one of the seams. 

Dark energon is strangely sweet, but it’s a fake candy-like flavor that is easily distinguished from Megatron’s own energon. It’s every bit as intoxicating as he remembered long ago sweet, but now a degree of something savory was so much clearer now, whether this was enhanced by the dark energon, or time and aging, he may never know. Whatever the case, he greedily drank what his energon lines pumped onto his tongue, savoring every drop, knowing it may be many more aeons before he was granted another taste.

Megatron’s tail hit the ground so harshly that it was beginning to hurt. The bite on the other hand felt blissful, painless, and as wonderful as it did long ago. The sheer trust needed to offer someone like Optimus in order to make sure they were not drained of their energon, was not lost upon him. As much as the idea mixed with the ongoing war made his tanks twist into knots, he shoved them to the back of his processor. He’d use it as an excuse later. A reason why he most certainly did not indulge in such a… close encounter. For now Megatron let himself feel his energon flow into Optimus. A piece of himself being given to Optimus. Romantic, in some incredibly twisted sense, befitting for the two of them. Miraculously, even though Optimus was drinking Dark energon, it did not take any visible effect. 

It would take a while for Dark Energon to properly settle in his energon lines. An upside to being a “space vampire” his resistance to foreign energons was much higher and with the added aid of the matrix, the two seemed to cancel each other out. Meaning he could continue to drink for just a little longer. He could take another sip of his fallen friend’s energon. He could savor another taste of Megatron. He was deaf to everything but the slow thrum of his energon lines and his spark. He wanted more— he wanted it all. Greedily he kept drinking and drinking, becoming more and more lost. A blood frenzy was approaching, he could feel it, feel it dribble into his consciousness, but this was what Megatron wanted to see wasn’t it? If Megatron wanted to see him delve into madness the same way he did for dark energon, he was more than willing to put on a show, more than willing to show off because he—

“Orion.” It was a soft whisper, strained as Megatron glared with tired optics.

Otpimus tore himself from his enemy’s arm checking internally for his energon levels and most importantly dark energon levels. It was close. If he drank any more, he may have actually begun to have some problems. It was diluted with regular energon, something that likely aided the slow intake. Optimus spared a worried glance to Megatron, who’s smirk seemed much more forced now that he could focus on it. The wagging tail and twitching ears became quickly apparent as well and just before Optimus could ask him about it, Megatron beat him to the punch.

“No, energon frenzy? Funny seeing as you were just about to drink me dry.” He chuckled earning a scowl from Optimus.

In that moment, a stone was shoved aside, revealing a beam of light other than their red and blue ones. A breath of fresh air seeped in through the hole, washing away the scent of energon, and each other. 

“Optimus! Are you okay there?”

“Just fine, Bulkhead.”

More rocks were scooped away, and the two war leaders stumbled out into the excavated cavern. Optimus wavered his audital fins still twitching as he felt the tendrils of that energon frenzy seeping into him, already draining his mental energy as he fought against it. Megatron fared no better having been literally drained, as he was taken aside by Soundwave Bulkhead scowled giving a stiff nod to the silent mech who returned the nod before they parted ways, their leaders in tow. 

“Sorry Prime, I had to team up with him to get you out…” Bulkhead muttered as if it was a horrible act. “In... the moment it was a wise choice Bulkhead…. I… I appreciate your efforts.” He managed to mumble as a ground bridge opened up. The swirling colors made him dizzy and irritated, but he forced himself to keep quiet about it.

“You sure you were okay with bucket head?” It took him a moment, recalling Miko having coined the name after Megatron and his helm’s likeness to a bucket. 

He considered his choices in what to say, taking care to avoid the truth, overthinking it immensely as he settled on, “it was fine.”

“Ratchet’s got some energon for you when you get back to base, just hold on a little longer Prime” Optimus barely managed to hide his grin, tuning away just in time to see Megatron disappear in his own ground bridge a safe distance away.

“It’s alright Bulkhead. I’ve had my fill.”

Now, if only he took the chance to pet him.

[inkykeiji]

Clari my love I hope you are well 💖

How are you? What have you been up to? I am doing ok right now, I got my first covid vaccination earlier this week which is very exciting - it made me super tired for like a full day tho but I’m just happy to be able to get it <3

Ooo you mentioned dyeing your hair blonde again which I am fully in support for since I’ve been highlighting my hair blonde for like 4 years now - every time before I get it dyed again I say to myself ‘no I’ll grow out my natural hair colour blah blah blah’ and then I have no self restraint and I just dye it again - your hair does sound like it is a super pretty colour tho, I don’t know anyone with strawberry blonde hair but if you wanna re-dye it go for it but also it depends on like the upkeep of hair dyeing

Also I rewatched midsommar and enjoyed it more than I did the first time I watched it and now it is a fave - I watched hereditary when it came out and it scared the shit out of me but I did also enjoy it

Also also Måneskin songs hmmm they have a few songs in English and then obvs some in Italian, I would say my fave in English is For Your Love and one of my faves in Italian (since I love a lot of them) is Lividi Sui Gomiti - if you don’t like them I won’t be offended but I thought you should check them out

I hope your mosquito bite reaction has gotten better, that sounds so shit and painful I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that - I’m v lucky that I am allergic to nothing really so grateful for that

oH I was also gonna ask since I trust your film judgement and taste on reccomendations on films to watch or shows that you enjoy - I’m in a real slump with films and shows atm my brain just does not want to cooperate <3

Anyway I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself, have you got any plans or anything soon? I do also hope you’ve had a good day, as always I’m sending you all my love and hugs <333- 🍯 oh also I was going to say that you don’t have to worry about how long you take to respond, my anons are usually long so I totally get taking longer to get back to them, there is totally no pressure whatsoever to respond in a certain time frame I just wanted to emphasise that anyways I will actually finish typing this now

hello honeybun <333

tw: bit of a vent below the cut, mentions of death

so i know you know what happened last week, because you sent your condolences and all that (thank you again for that, by the way <3 i sincerely appreciate it <3) but on top of our family friend’s tragic passing, life has just been so, so rough lately—with my mental illness and my family in particular. i’d assume that the illness stuff was most likely triggered by the death, which makes sense, but i am so exhausted and so tired of fighting with my own fucking mind it’s unbelievable. and then, yesterday, i witnessed some things i really wish i could’ve stayed ignorant to, and it’s just really fucked me up too. my heart hasn’t stopped pounding all day. BUT, if we’re looking on the bright side (or trying to) the incident yesterday was a very sobering (lmao) slap to the face and a much needed wake up call for me to get a damn move on with getting the hell out of this environment. so that’s propelled me forward and motivated me to really get down to work (it’s just pushing myself to work through the anxiety and illness that’s difficult now haha but i am doing it!!).

EDIT: i had a nice long talk with two of the three most important people in my life (and in this situation in particular, too!) and i’m feeling a little better now <3

yes!!! i’ve actually changed my mind now LMAO because i’d like to use that money towards leaving. my roots have grown out past my chin, so when they get a little longer i will be forced to (very sadly :c) chop all of the dyed hair off. i haven’t had my natural colour in a LONG time, so this is kind of odd haha. originally i was going to redye it pink!! but the upkeep is an absolute nightmare and i just can’t right now lmao. yeah idk!! it’s a really odd colour, my natural hair, but it might be refreshing to be back to it again after so many years, i dunno!!!

YAAAY i’m so glad to hear that!!!!! it’s such an incredible film i could literally go on about it forever aaaaah hehehe and HEREDITARY IS FUCKING TERRIFYING LIKE i cannot watch that movie on my own truly i can’t. it’s so unsettling in such a fun way!!!

i haven’t listened to them yet, but i will soon, pinky promise!! i just saw someone else talking about them too and i was like oh hey it’s that band honey anon told me about LMAO

my mosquito bite has healed, thankfully!!! it’s just a bruise on my ankle now hehe but the ickiest parts are over <3 OOOH films okay so! someone asked a similar question and i am going to link you to my answer (which has more links) right here, but if you’ve ever got any more specific recs that you’re looking for (genre, era etc) pls let me know!!!! i love discussing film hehehe <3

no plans as of yet; i have a lot of SUPER exciting things in the works and two of them are like !!!!!!! thiiiiis close to being ready and i cannot wait to share them with you all!! i love you so much honey, truly and sincerely, thank you for being here for me, for sending me such thoughtful messages and just for talking to me in general. it all means so much to me <3 i hope you are taking care of yourself my sweet friend!!!

[fullmetalscullyy]

royai angst + “why aren’t you with her?”

aaaah anon this is a great one thank you so much!!! i’ll be real with u tho i’ve not been having a Great Time recently and it’s been a struggle to write and focus so i do apologise if this isn’t up to much. i did try tho bc i do love writing and i can lose myself in it but sorry if this sounds a bit off/isn’t great. i might go back and edit it at a later date bc idk if i’m even happy with it but staring at it for hours won’t fix it, so enjoy for now 

A ringing phone disturbed Roy from his sleep. His head jerked up, disorientated. His feet kicked in the sheets, completely tangled up, but after a moment he got his bearings and realised he was in his bedroom. Blinking, Roy looked around the room as he still tried to waken up. The phone hurried along his process, continuing to ring with no mercy.

As he stumbled tiredly to the phone, his heart sank. Getting a phone call in the middle of the night was never going to be good news. What was awaiting him on the other side of the phone?

“Hello?” he croaked. His voice was thick with sleep.

“Roy Boy,” Madame Christmas greeted.

“Madame? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, kid,” she reassured him. “I just have a customer here who’s asking for you.”

Roy glanced at the clock, wondering why a customer would still be at the bar, and noticed it wasn’t the middle of the night. It was just passed midnight. He hadn’t been sleeping for as long as he thought, just two hours.

“Who?” he asked suspiciously.

“I ran into Elizabeth,” she stated smoothly. Roy’s spine straightened. Now he was awake. “She’s been asking for you.”

“Is that so?”

The Madame made an agreeable sound. “I think you should come down and see her. She’s looking for a dance.”

Hawkeye would never ask him for a dance, so she must be drunk, and the Madame called him to come pick her up and bring her home.

Things must be… bad? Hawkeye never got drunk. Well, never got drunk enough that Roy had to go and pick her up to take her home.

“Okay.” He drew it out. Of course, he’d go and help her, but this was still an unprecedented situation. He’d just have to take it as it came and help Hawkeye as best he could. The Madame must not have enough room for any guests, otherwise she’d absolutely let Riza stay with her. “I’ll be along shortly.”

“Thank you, Roy Boy.” The line went dead.

Pulling up to the bar, Roy parked the car and stared at the door. He had no idea what was waiting for him on the other side of that door. Steeling himself, Roy took a deep breath and entered.

Hawkeye was sitting at the bar, swaying every now and then in her bar stool. The Madame had been chatting to her, staying close by, while still serving other customers. As Roy approached, he heard himself being mentioned.

“Elizabeth, Roy’s here to take you home,” she stated.

Hawkeye spun in her chair with more grace and control than Roy thought she would possess. Her eyes were half lidded and she looked drunk. Her hair was tousled, the longer strands of her fringe falling loose from the clip and framing her face beautifully.

As soon as she saw Roy, she stiffened and turned in her stool, but not before Roy noticed the stricken look on her face.

“Let’s get you home, dear.” Hawkeye had muttered something to Christmas, and that was her reply.

“Hey,” he greeted with a smile to Hawkeye’s back. “Did someone order a taxi?”

Hawkeye didn’t answer, and Christmas just watched the Lieutenant’s reaction. Abruptly, she stood from the stool and walked over where her jacket was hanging on the wall.

“You need to speak to her,” the Madame prompted quietly with a pointed look, before rounding the bar. She grasped Hawkeye’s elbow gently and ushered her and Roy to the front door. Roy had no idea what he needed to discuss with Hawkeye, and Christmas wasn’t exactly forthcoming with the details.

Before Roy could reply, Riza stumbled and he reached out to catch her. Instead of steadying his Lieutenant, she jerked away from him and stumbled again, but regained her footing. She stalked away without a word, not looking back. Roy’s hands remained outstretched to catch her, dread settling in his stomach. What just happened?

“Talk to her,” Christmas stated again, then turned on her heel and re-entered her bar, leaving Roy with a drunk and a standoffish Hawkeye.

“Did you have a good night, Lieutenant?” he asked casually as he pulled away from the bar. He glanced over at her, noticing her ramrod straight spine and how she was staring straight ahead. Roy thought she was trying not to vomit, but when she finally spoke to him, her voice was cold. It gave the impression something else was wrong. Roy worried he’d done something to anger her, but he didn’t know what.

“Yes.”

That was is. Nothing more was said than that.

There was an uncomfortable silence all the way back to her apartment. This wasn’t like them, and Roy began to worry. What was wrong? Had he done something? How could he make it right?

“Thank you for the ride, sir,” she muttered as she exited the vehicle. She held herself well despite how drunk she was and begun to walk towards her apartment building. Of course, Roy couldn’t just leave it with a goodbye as cold as that, so he hurriedly jumped out the car after her.

“Hawkeye, wait,” he called. She didn’t. If anything, she walked quicker. Roy caught up with her as she waited for the lift in her building. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” she replied sharply.

“Something is,” he pressed. “Did I do something wrong?”

She glared at him but dropped it quickly. Roy was too stunned to make it into the lift before she forced the doors to close early. Her face disappeared behind steel doors, but Roy managed to catch her face falling when she thought she was out of sight. Her hands lifted to grasp her elbows, hugging her arms close to her body.

Roy took the stairs two at a time to try and catch her before she locked her apartment door. Once that door was closed on him, there was nothing he’d be able to do. There was the possibility of leaving her to cool off, but this was so unlike Riza. Roy was worried, and she was also drunk. He wanted to take care of her. She’d done it many times for him, and it was about time he returned the favour.

“Riza.” He tried a different tact as she approached her doorway. Her pace picked up, trying to escape from him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” she exclaimed, turning on him. He was taken aback by the fire in her eyes, but he saw tears collecting in the sides. “Nothing you would understand anyway,” she muttered, turning away from him.

“Try me,” he challenged instantly.

“No.”

“Riza –”

“Stop it! Just leave!”

Her apartment door opened, and she tried to slam it shut, but Roy jammed his foot in the gap. His hissed in pain, his foot smarting incredibly painfully.

“Roy –”

“I’m not going until I fix whatever it is that I’ve done.”

“If you don’t know, then you can’t fix it, can you?” she sneered. She tried to close the door again, but his stance remained steady, no matter how much it hurt.

“Talk to me, please,” he pleaded. “Riza, I just want to help –”

“You can’t,” she spat. Roy had never seen her this angry before with someone. Certainly not with him. The worry burned in his stomach, clawing at his insides and feeling worse than the pain in his foot.

“I want to try.”

“Roy, leave.”

“No.”

“Get out!”

“No!”

They stopped their shouting match, Riza glaring at him while Roy challenged her with his gaze.

Eventually, Riza backed down, which was also unlike her.

“Whatever,” she muttered, walking away from the door. It swung open slowly on the groaning hinge, revealing her apartment to him. He watched her stalk down the dark hallway and slam her bedroom door closed.

Roy entered the apartment and closed the door. Hayate approached for welcome scratches, that Roy readily provided.

“What’s going on, boy?” he murmured, feeling at a loss of what to do.

Hayate cocked his head in reply. He licked Roy’s and pressed his back into Roy’s ready hands.

“What are you still doing here?” Riza glowered at him as she walked to her kitchen. She’d sobered up slightly, but she was still under the influence. Whatever was wrong was amplified by that fact, because she’d never acted like this before. She must be really pissed with him.

“I’m not going until I know you’re all right.”

Riza scoffed. “Why wouldn’t I be? Because I’m alone?”

Roy cocked his head in confusion. “No, why would that be the case?”

Riza didn’t answer him. She just continued to rifle through her kitchen cupboards.

“Riza, if I can help, I will –”

“You can’t, I can assure you,” she interrupted him. The cupboard door slammed shut, her anger manifesting once more.

“Why not?” he asked.

“Because you are the problem,” she finally revealed, irate. Her words slurred, and it caused Roy to remember that she was drunk. Whatever she was saying now would be the truth, but it would come out in a way that Riza may not have initially intended it to. However, if he was a problem, he still wanted to help her.

“Why?”

“Because you don’t care!”

A silence descended over the small apartment. Even Hayate went quiet and looked between them, whining quietly as it dragged on.

“What are you talking about –?”

“Nothing,” she interrupted hurriedly. From the wide eyes, Roy guessed this was not something she planned on revealing.

“Riza, I care about you more than anyone else –”

“It doesn’t feel like it,” she bit back. However, there was less of a bite to her words. Her tone was sullen, like a teenager.

“Why?”

“Just…” She sighed heavily and slammed another cupboard door closed, venting her frustration. Whatever she’d been looking for, she didn’t find it. Then, Roy watched as Riza brought a hand up to her face and covered her eyes. Her shoulders rounded in on themselves and Roy saw them shake.

“… Riza?” His call to her was quiet. It appeared the fight had left her, and now she was trying not to cry. Roy was almost at his wit’s end with worry. He didn’t know what was happening and just wanted to help.

There was no answer to his call. The only response was her shoulders to bunch up by her ears.

“Just go,” she whispered.

“No,” he replied with confidence. “If I’m the problem, and it’s making you this upset, I’m not going until I make it right.”

“Roy, leave.” The bite was back, and he knew now, it would be back with a vengeance. Still, he persevered.

“No.”

“Leave!” Her hand flew from her face with the force of her shout. She was still upset but it was overcome with anger. “Go back to your apartment and whoever you’re sleeping with tonight!” He was stunned into silence. “I don’t even know why you’re here for me anyway,” Riza continued, forcefully, like she truly believed he wouldn’t stay and help her. “I’m nothing and I’m sure you have a much better offer somewhere else.”

“What…?” He was still too shocked to form words.

“I know it’s true.” She was so sure of herself, so sure that was the truth, but it was complete nonsense. “Who was it tonight, I wonder? Vanessa? Why aren’t you with her? Was it Rose? Beatrice? Instead, you’re here with sad little mess Riza, who can’t even keep a lid on things for one night –”

She cut herself off with the force of her sobs. Her knees shook and she brought a hand to cover her face again, pressing into her eyes hard with her fingertips. The other hand braced herself against the kitchen counter. The sound she was making though kicked Roy’s mind back into gear. He lunged for her, wrapping Riza up in his arms. She fought it, and hard. Even while upset and drunk, she almost managed to escape his hold. Then, she grew tired. Weary was probably the better word. By the end of her fight, she was gripping his upper arms tightly, holding onto him like he was a life raft in the sea of her worries and insecurities, keeping her afloat and safe.

“There’s no one like that, Riza,” he murmured as he ran a hand through her hair. The hair trapped in her clip had become a mess, so Roy let it free. The blonde tresses tumbled down her back like a golden curtain.

“Yes, there is,” she sniffed. “Don’t lie.” She slurred with her petulant tone.

“I’m not, I assure you.” The grip he had on her tightened. “They’re informants, you know that.”

Riza sniffed again. “It still doesn’t explain why you bother with me,” she muttered.

Roy pulled back and cupped her face in his hands. She looked scared. Her eyes were wide in fear and her mouth parted with an intake of breath.

“Because I love you,” he answered simply. It wasn’t the first time he’d told her, but Roy had tried to wrack his brain for the last time he’d told her that. He couldn’t remember. “Why would I be out with other women like that if I loved you?”

“Because I’m nothing –”

“You’re everything.” She had no answer for him, so Roy bent his head to kiss her tenderly, his lips lingering on hers. “There is no me without you,” he murmured against her lips. A sob left her, and Roy bundled Riza back up in his arms.

He knew she could be insecure with herself sometimes. Professionally, she would never be. However, personally was a different story. She had her isolated upbringing with her impossible father to blame for that. Roy had looked up to the man, but as he’d grown older and realised just how badly he’d treated Riza, Roy had resented him for it.

“There’s no one like that, I promise,” he repeated. “There’s only been, and only ever will be you.”

“But what if I’m not worth it?” she whispered.

“Impossible. I’ve been with you for long enough to know if that was the case. It never will be. You’re my whole life, Riza. I don’t want to lose you from my side.”

She appeared to misunderstand him, because her hands dropped limp to her sides.

“Okay.” Her tone was even, but emotionless.

“Both professionally and personally,” Roy quickly added. “I can’t afford to lose you,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against hers gently. “If I did… I don’t even want to consider the possibility.”

Riza’s eyes lifted to his, her gaze swapping between both his eyes as tears fell quietly and steadily down her cheeks. She was studying him, trying to discern if he was telling the truth, but Roy had nothing to hide. That was the truth. The complete and whole truth. Nothing would change his feelings.

“I want to spend every minute of every day with you, Riza,” he continued. “And it kills me that I can’t. Not in the way I want to. However, this was the path we both chose, and must bear its fruit.” He lifted his hands to grip her biceps gently but firmly, meeting her gaze square on. “If I could, I’d hold you in my arms every day and not let you go. I’d kiss you every minute of every day.” He punctuated his statement with a kiss. “And every night,” he added, dropping his voice low as he lowered his face for another kiss, but paused just above her lips. There was a quiet intake of breath from Riza. “I would make love to you. It’s what you deserve, and I would be more than happy to oblige.” He offered her a small smile. His hand lifted to cup her cheek. “I love you, Riza, and there’s only ever been you. No one else.”

She grasped the back of his neck and drew his lips down, crushing them against hers. Their kiss was passionate as hands grasped and tugged at clothing, trying to ride themselves of the barrier between them as quickly as possible. Breaking apart for air, Riza slowed to a stop, panting. Her hands were on his bare chest, her fingers splayed across his muscular frame. His were on the soft skin of her waist, his thumbs caressing the skin above the waistband of her trousers. Her shirt was untucked from the waist, hanging loose by her sides with her white bra exposed, and Roy thought it was the sexiest look he’d ever seen on her.

“I – I’m sorry,” she stuttered. Her tears had stopped, but Roy sensed they’d be making a comeback once more.

He pecked her lips. “It’s okay,” he murmured. “Let’s get some rest and discuss this later, okay?”

Her eyes jumped up to meet his. “Rest?” Roy nodded. “I… I don’t need rest. I need you.”

Nodding in understanding, Roy lowered his lips to hers once more. This kiss was more loving as he bent his knees, lifting one of her legs from behind the knee to hook onto his waist. Getting the hint, Riza raised onto her tiptoes while Roy did the same with her other leg.

“Okay,” he readily agreed. “Let me show you how much I love you,” he whispered against the skin of her neck, making Riza throw her head back and moan. “You’re my queen,” he proclaimed, kissing the pulse at her neck. Her body jerked in his arms. “Let me love you like one.”

The fingertips raking against his scalp was his answer as he kicked her bedroom door closed with his foot.

[bravadoseries]

i was tagged by @emiliachrstine and @chlobenet to tag ppl who make me happy! so i’m gonna do a bit of an appreciation post for some people i’ve been meaning to talk a bit more about since getting back into writing/ocblr :)  

@emiliachrstine ok first of all emilia i love you so much!! thank you for tagging me in this. i remember meeting you first through supernatural fandom and our mutual love and respect for jo harvelle and then bonding again over our mutual love and respect for the Queen sharon carter so i’m super happy that we’ve managed to stay in touch and always bond over our underappreciated faves. i’ve always loved your writing since i first encountered it i think (like when i was in eighth grade 😭 and i would read ur spn fic on the bus home from school) so it’s crazy to me that i can consider you a friend now. thank you for sharing so much writing with the world, and for being so open and kind. it’s always a joy to talk to you about writing, see your beautiful edits, and plan crossovers between our ocs. i love you 💓💓💓

@daaeleira pixie!! i know i’ve said this like a million times before but you have been one of my longest friendships Period like irl or online or whatever like i have known you so long and i’m so happy that i have. i love you so much and i am so grateful you’ve been there for me through so much of my life and when things get crazy i’m happy i always have the opportunity to talk to you about how dumb the russos are or hear you talk about your #problematic #faves or just vent. i’m so lucky to know you!! you’re such a kind and funny person, and you’re really supportive and also genuinely one of the most talented writers i’ve ever had the privilege of reading work from (fic or not). i feel like i’ve grown so much from being friends with you in my beliefs and my general outlook on the world which is not something i expected at all when i applied to be a mod for the winsisters blog but i am so happy and grateful that it was the case. i stan all of your ocs genuinely they’re all so good and you’re like. a legend in my mind i admire you so much

@perfectlystiles we are new friends but i love how easy it is to talk to you!  we get along super well and i love how we are both little bruce banner stannies and how we have such similar shipping interests lmfaooo i just really enjoy talking to you about giles and fandom and our messed up sleep schedules and how quarantine has really screwed both of us over motivation-wise.  i’m really glad we vibe so well because it’s always a joy to talk to you :~)

@kenobi-jinn we are also new friends!  i’ve been catching up on star wars media specifically so i can go HARD with stanning valencia when i start your obi-wan fic.  i’ve started your marvel story (and i’m planning on reviewing the rest of it too i promise !) and i am a huge fan of your writing style and your ability to hold up original storylines.  i admire your work so much and i’m really excited to get more into it :) you’re extremely talented! and also a very kind and easy to talk to person.  i’m really glad we’ve gotten in touch!  

@ocfairygodmother cass/jan!!!  okay i don’t know if you even remember this at all but i remember when elle’s story was first posted and i was looking for winsister stuff to read and i fell in love with it so early on.  we don’t talk too much anymore but i am so deeply admirational of how you have managed to build a real community out of ocblr.  you inspired me to write on an individual level when i was a kid and the community you’ve developed has kept me writing through these years, and so i owe it to you more than anyone or anything else that i’ve kept writing and that i’m pursuing a degree in writing as well.  idk if this is weird because we don’t talk too much but seriously, i owe so much of that to you.  you’re so positive and you devote so much time and work to being kind and supportive to other writers, and the impact you have had on my life and the lives of other people in this community is so large and positive.  thank you for being you, and for doing so much work that you didn’t need to do to help keep us together.  

@chlobenet ally i don’t think we have ever been super close but i’ve followed you for a long time and i am always stunned by how talented you are both with writing and editing! your ideas for ocs are so strong and distinct that they could clearly stand on their own as original pieces of fiction, but they also fit so well into the fandoms you write them for.  you’re incredibly creative and i’m grateful that you tagged me in this so i could have the chance to gush lol thank you!

@ahsokatonas joey i don’t know you super well but you are extremely talented and i admire your work so much!  you are a wonderfully talented writer and also incredible at worldbuilding.  not to mention amazing with edits and the like.  so thank you for sharing! 

@notaboutcat cat i have loved your writing and ocs since my supernatural days as well lol thank you for being such an inspiration to me ! and i’m really happy to know you and you know how big a fan i am of all of your ocs.  you’re a talented writer and you’re really good at building such unique and interesting characters that are a privilege to read!  

@suzieloveships thank you for being so supportive of my fic for so long! and for sending such interesting asks and leaving such kind comments on audrey’s story.  i appreciate it so much and i always look forward to seeing what you have to say when i see your username in my notifications :)

then there are a lot of people i’ve been admiring from afar!  so i want to say thank you to you all as well for sharing your writing or being supportive readers to others in the community.  sending love to you all <3 thank you for making me so happy

@lizziesxltzmxn @foxesandmagic @ultraocfury @aliverse @randomestfandoms-ocs @randomfandoming1 @feralcherry @celticboudicca @marvel-osity @sgtbuckyybarnes 

[flusteredmountainman]

Bullet-pointed predictions I have for each of the new 3 routes

For like an in-depth prediction I did of Muriel’s one a couple months back see this old thing

So a huge commonality in the first three’s arcs (as I mention in that linked post) is reconnecting with family (both found and blood) and so I first and foremost think that this will be present in each LI’s route; I’ll go into more detail on what I think this will look like for each of them individually, plus upright/reversed end speculation based on the definitions for their patron arcana.

***Spoilers for Muriel, Portia and Lucio’s routes so far and references to Nadia, Asra and Julian’s routes***

I’ll start with Muriel because I’ve already talked to his route the most and I think it’ll be the easiest place to start!

Muriel:

The role of family in his route:

Obviously as we’ve seen so far, Muriel has a lot of unresolved feelings of abandonment, shame, self-loathing and loneliness associated with his family and the fact that they’ve abandoned him. 

He’s already had the very beginnings of opening up to MC in his last book (The Hermit - very fitting), and he will perhaps continue to do so

I think a central theme for his story will be reconnecting with his family and hearing their perspective on what happened for two reasons: firstly because of one of the options for MC’s response to this discusses that he actually doesn’t know his parent’s reasoning and that maybe they Did want him, and the second relates to Nadia’s route and her arc with reconnecting with her sisters

In her route, similarly she vents about how annoying and patronising her sisters were throughout her life and you can either agree or posit that maybe they were just trying to help/showing they cared about her (reversed vs upright choice)

I’m also hoping he generally creates a stronger support network - I think at least Portia, Nadia and Asra (and maaayyyybe even Morga but that might be pushing it) will end up helping him and MC in the confrontation with the devil at the end - just based on who we’ve seen interacting with him the most in positive ways so far

Upright meaning: Look inside yourself for the answers you seek. Take time for introspection in the days ahead.

He’ll recover from his trauma, recognise himself as a person who is deserving of love and support and who has Needs (including like. a bed. lol.)

Honestly I don’t have a lot else to say ‘cept that bc I said it already so kjaefjef check my aforementioned post if you want More for my favourite man

Reversed meaning: Be wary of retreating too far within your own mind. Others still have valuable things to share.

He decides that he needs to handle the confrontation with the devil alone - probably erring more on the side of self-sacrifice than anything else and/or seeing his sacrifice as just (still blaming himself for his trauma, he believes that his only way to “Redemption” is by falling on his own sword, so-to-speak)

Portia:

Oof, Portia’s a tricky one so far.

The role of family in her route:

So, obviously she has a lot of baggage with Julian. Some of this is hinted at just around her arcana’s definitions, but I’ll get to that soon.

She’s a compulsive secret-hoarder and collects information about everyone around her. I think this is probably a hang-up that she has around control - or loss of it. She doesn’t have security or wealth or even anyone to permanently look after her/mentor her (Julian left and Lilinka - her adoptive grandmother - passed away leaving her to fend largely for herself).

I think that information is the one thing she feels that she has control over, because so much of her life has been out of her hands (and also just chasing Julian around trying to clean up his messes)

She’s literally a head servant as her job -so much of her life is being told what to do and also telling others what to do. I think she fears loss of control in her life, but she’s also never been in a position where she’s been able to be an active agent and do things just because she wants to do them. 

She craves validation, safety, and support and that’s why she found herself in this employment role with Nadia - and even then in Nadia’s route (and her own), she’s terrified that Nadia will abandon her in a heartbeat - even though she literally nursed her for years and has been nothing but loyal. Girl has some Mad abandonment issues

Edit: Portia ultimately blames herself for the people around her leaving and thinks that people will only stay if she can be useful in some way - hence why she so doggedly pursues Julian's innocence because she thinks the only chance she has of him staying is if she can literally fix his mess

Largely I think her arc with her family will be about her feeling emboldened to be honest about her feelings and letting Julian know in a meaningful way how much his absence impacted her, but also realising that she Actually Can lean on Mazelinka (who she obviously loves but has made Many excuses as to why she’s too busy to see her - probably again a thing of “if I control when and where I see you, then I can’t get hurt in this relationship”), Nadia, and probably also Asra and some of the other servants even?

Upright meaning:  Believe in your inner light. You may have endured great hardship, but it only makes you shine brighter.

Idk man lol this is honestly quite vague. 

I think this will prolly be a similar thing to Muriel - just specifically confronting that Yes, she’s had a hard time of it but she shouldn’t let that impact her quality of life

Also probably a lot of stuff around her realising she’s worthy of love as a person and that the people who love her won’t abandon her

Reversed meaning:  Now is not the time to despair. Keep believing and let your star shine bright. The world needs you

Again.... aefkjfkae...... very vague.....

I think she won’t be able to let go of her fear of abandonment generically - or alternatively will perhaps? Try to bargain with the devil? I could see a similar thing happening with her that happened in Nadia’s reversed end - perhaps she believes she can save the world/MC by offering her servitude to the devil and being beholden to him? This is Fully a reach, I honestly have no idea :P

Lastly, Lucio:

Don’t worry, I’m not dunking on him lol. I don’t like him but that doesn’t mean I don’t have Thoughts about his route.

The role of family in his route:

Well. This one is clearly quite literally maybe the messiest out of these three (I mean that literally, in terms of, the amount of blood lol)

Obviously, he has a lot of baggage with both of his parents. I’ll disclaimer and say that I personally don’t see Morga as abusive - that doesn’t mean people can’t - but I’m making speculations specifically about their relationship just based on the in-game context clues we have and nothing else

As a person, Lucio is ultimately obsessed with power and attaining it. He’s clearly insecure and is desperate for any sort of validation, which is made messier by his natural sense of entitlement. This combination means that he chronically chases power, thinking that leadership means being able to do whatever you want to do with no consequences (e.g. in his route and also in Nadia’s when he briefly discusses killing people as count/countess) - and especially he thinks that if he has the power, the wealth, and the status then he’ll get the validation that he desperately craves. 

As count, he throws lavish parties and spends a lot of time with the vagabonds in the south end - trying to win petty devotion and admiration with meaningless shows of wealth meanwhile his people are starving and suffering in the flooded district. He just wants to be popular at the end of the day, he doesn’t care about actual leadership or using his power for good, unselfish reasons. He claims his people love him, but it’s hollow, ornamental love based upon flash, not substance

Morga as a parent is harsh - she’s critical and derisive at times, but it’s also clear that she does love her son (specifically how she says she spoiled him by never letting him get hurt). Lucio as a teenager grew up somewhat spoiled and expected that power would fall to him by virtue of heritage from his mother when he came of age. 

I think that Lucio didn’t get what he needed from Morga necessarily as a kid, and as a result he craved that first position of power because he saw it as a source of validation he hadn’t previously had - and when it was denied him, he became resentful and even murderous towards his parents. 

Woof, long fucking paragraph. I do think that Morga and Lucio will end up reconciling in his route somehow. I think it’s central to his character and to filling the void inside of him that he learns that you can’t buy people’s love - also just because his whole story and entry into the world was sparked by that essential conflict with his mother. I think it would feel weird narratively if that weren’t at least addressed - whether or not it ends in reconciliation

Upright meaning:  Shake off his veil: you are not trapped. There is always a way out of even the darkest places.

I think that this will be a redemption arc for Lucio. I think that in order for him to be redeemed he’ll have to relinquish the devil’s influence over him - which will involve addressing the wrong he’s done and apologising/trying to atone for it (whether or not other LIs accept his apology is another thing - as they all have very valid reasons not to)

I think the “way out of the darkness” for Lucio is in giving up his quest for power. He will learn that it’s ok to just be Lucio as a person, that he can be vulnerable and responsible for himself, and that people will love him as he is and not for the way he throws his money around

Reversed meaning:  It is time to clean house: purge the things that harm you from your life. Take back your power.

Now this literally includes the sentence “take back your power” so. whoomp there it is. Lucio can’t let go of his power-hunger and becomes even more selfish and self-righteous.

I think also unfortunately this will mean he will literally probably kill some if not all of the other LIs, and also (especially) his mother. He will see anything that challenges his power as opposition to be removed, and he will rule (alongside the devil? who knows) in chaos and blood.

Ookey!! kajefnkae glad I got that out of my system. If I missed anything/if people have their own ideas/thoughts I’d love to hear them! Have this giant essay lol, we’ll see if anything I predicted comes true in the next several dozen updates eh? B)

[savnofilter]

!! She said - I didnt want to say anything more about the drama cause I am honestly extremely over it, but you are completely right. This is exactly what she is doing. And she KNOWS that.

thats her message directed to my friend twice.

heres the screenshots of her coming back again to say the same thing again.

not to mention based on the diction from the original ask, i know its bob. because its the same diction used on the anonymous hate i received not too long back. and the same diction i was communicating with.

just because you have screenshots doesnt show the whole narrative. you took bits and pieces of the times i was present in conversation, and any person would be confused to what the fuck is going on. i dont know if youre upset that i actually own up to my mistakes, but im not some heartless "discord gremlin" like you people want to believe.

im not playing a victim, and someone making a HATE post about me does make me one ah... 😂 you got stuff mixed up man....

i dont get how im using it for clout? thought itd be the other way around. because what would i need it for? i never @ed you a single time, and im not even active on ao3 lol. and it just shows yall are stalking my blog. just like on my server, waiting for me to fuck up. like on my blog ready for me to slip up. its strange that youd be on my posts like

that. because you even implied that my shit is trash LOL so theres not reason why you should even responding to a post...? on my blog?? girl what... if i was such a "manipulator", why didnt i make the callout post first? if i wanted to absolutely fool my followers (yup because you think that theyre that dumb) i wouldve @ed you and everything!! not.

i write because i want to make stories and share it with people. im nice to people because theyre nice to me. i like letting people know their important. idk if you think its fake because i am no longer nice to you, but im friends with almost everyone i meet so take that with what you will...

you dont accuse people or use strong definitions to describe someone because they have beef with your friend. you pretend like i cant be upset and i have every right because all you guys are doing are twisting my words because you guys dont like me and feel everyone else shouldnt either.its always, "what did sav say" "its not what you said its how you say it" but no one gives a fuck how they come to me. no one gives a fuck "how they say it" to me. if i feel defensive of course im going to get cold.

EDIT: its called watching porn and reading,, doujins. unless you do those off incog then youre a real troop. on any day you will see the incognito tab guy at the top of my screen LMAO. and my friend sent that and i had to protect her privacy ahah. also im sure you cant copy and paste? id know because when i first got tumblr, id try copy and pasting blog names but itd never works so i had to get the app.😔 plus im not tryna have some person in my actual life got pulled into bullshit. im not hearing anything until someone tells me dude. and i cant go on my inbox either? and those screenshots were from when you sent them if you checked the timestamp lol.

you say that we're children but you attack us. 🤔😂 vent is supposed to be where you share whats troubling you and when people attack you instead of course someone is going to get defensive. arguing with people in vent is so inappropriate, and im really speechless. if you were trying to really "open" her eyes, you had to send it twice? if youre easily angered by someone saying they dont like people celebrate early than thats your prerogative.

dont try to claim harassment when you made a post about me first, sent your minions after me. you know whats harassment? coming into my server the sole purpose to basically get me annoyed and fuck up, make posts and reply to hateful messages like "yes yes hate sav the cunt child!" this is me defending myself. if you were truly done youd stop. bbs.

stop trying to push this weird narrative that i dont give a fuck that i hurt peoples feelings. ive explained it all dude. its up to you if you dont want to believe but im just going to ask kindly that you stop dude. you dont create this demonizing post, delete my replies and everything ive said, block me and say, iM oVeR iT, and proceed to talk shit about me behind a block? stop acting like that post wasnt an act of just pure hate. like you got what you wanted, i just ask that you stop. 

i said i was going to drop it and you responded so... im done because you and your people want to believe that im terrible person, its fine. at the end of the day i know me and the people who know me will stick with me. i just ask that you stop and i'll delete my stuff if you delete yours. best of wishes dude. 💃🏽

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 15: "congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!” - Jules

congrats daisy for winning season 7 of celestial: behemoth!

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JIOFEOJIFEWOJIWOJI THAT SOUNDS SO BITTER BUT DYLAN SIR U HANDED HER THE GAME! HANDED IT TO HER! GOD! and its what she deserves!

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anyways. let it be known this was NOT MY FAULT.

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let the record show, before last night's tribal, I SAID SOMETHING WAS NOT SITTING RIGHT WITH MY SPIRIT!!!!!!!!!! AND???? what happened. look what happened.

Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

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Vocaroo

Vocaroo 2

Vocaroo 3

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still practicing my slide puzzles WJIJIEFIJWJIFIFWJEJWIEEJWIF

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME I HATE THIS GAME!!!

this final 4 is absolutely amazing and i literally love all of them so much, but that just makes things 10x worse. i think that playing my idol on daisy was a huge risk and the fact that it is now a final 2 makes things a bit more interesting. my ideal plan was to have daisy in the final 4 with me so that i wouldnt be the next target, but now that she won immunity it just didnt work out how i intended at all!!

voting out jules and szymon is purely going to come down to which one of them will sway my way and it's going to hurt to send one of them to jury no matter what, but i just feel like i came all this way and not making top 3 would just suck so badly. so yeah, this sucks. i hate that no matter what i do im going to be upsetting people and hurting feelings but... i guess that's just the game! at this point im not even sure if i can win against daisy but it seems like she will take me, it just depends on whether or not i stay loyal to her if i win FIC or if i take whoever is with me in final 3.

much to think about, BUT I JUST CANT BELIEVE I MADE IT THIS FAR !!!!

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Jules is voted out 3-1. She becomes the 8th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment take place below:

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Szymon is voted out by Daisy. He becomes the final member of our jury.

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idk thought this would be cute to include my voting log and stuff hehe <3 https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1RiA0RUWX4TRpqBTgRzLJJ3fHu2jBqZ-bCJozFd3HcRs/edit?usp=sharing

Jules: https://youtu.be/6zKeJuOJKeY 

https://youtu.be/5dV_-X6Rv2U

https://youtu.be/N5tnq-4QAT8

someone (zach) asked me to rank the jurors from nicest to meanest...so here we go. ily all <3 <3

1. seamus (this will def come as a surprise, but seamus was the most levelheaded and nice one on the jury. he really never made a bitter comment even though he had every right to, especially at me/daisy/dylan and really anyone who was in after him except chips. like. he was the only person to reach out in pms after and it was immediate, he really comforted me and i really admire men who can have like good relationship w/ women that are platonic??? i know he's been like terrible in the past and i did call him on some stuff in hydravivor and ill be the FIRST to admit that i called him a crackhead on a daily basis but i think he's grown a lot!!!!!! idk. i think he's also the MOST self aware!!!! im a seamus stan, what about it?)

2. brandan (while brandan was kinda irrelevant game wise this season -- but not in our hearts -- he was very objective and a peacemaker. he had good reason to be MIA too so the fact that he got as far as he did means to me that he did form some strong social connections. and he did!!! with me, i think w/ conor, so idk, he had a role like i did in the game imo. i really liked him and he really brought a fresh perspective on things!!!)

3. szymon (he's only not ranked higher bc he's pissed off rob and he stands his ground a lot more outwardly than the first two, at least in the jury chat. also he's not had as much time as a juror. but even then, i think szymon is not a bad guy like some of the ppl make him out to be. like, idk, i think he made a mistake on a game level and he even admitted it and idk he's a legend. truly. im so glad to have met him and i think he was a really nice juror to have around while he was ACTUALLY around bc he stood up for me/daisy the way seamus did)

4. lovelis (lovelis makes some pointed comments but.....he's not dumb at all and so i don't think he's been bitter. also his pointed comments have been funny and mostly radiating the energy of the other Bitter Jurors so idk. i really like him on a personal level as well and have for a while so idk. i dont KNOW KNOW him but he's never been the type to make harsh comments without them having some merit to them. so i kinda trust his judgement even though he wasnt in the game long/an early merge boot. idk i think he's open minded enough and he's also someone who admits when he's done a Lil Too Much but he's really lovely. just competitive.)

5. chips (i dont think chips is MEAN per se, in fact, i dont think he has a mean bone in his body on a personal level. like WFIJFJIFWE I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT HES SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! but thats why it's so funny to see him in games bc he's a lil lying, a lil backstabby and sometimes he's a lil passive aggressive. but its not undeserved. its also a pisces thing WEFJIEIEJWEFJIWEF i think what i saw in the jury house was sometimes chips going along w/ things, but i dont know, i really do not know much about chips game and ill probs ask him more afterwards?? but idk he was REALLY nice to me tho so FWIJFWEWFIFW i just dont trust him in games.......i dont know whats on his mind half of the time......)

I WANNA SAY FOR THE NEXT 3 MEN THEYRE HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THEIR FIRE SIGN PLACEMENTS SO while i know some of them do hold resentment, its a lot easier to deal with and work with and with all 3 of them we've talked it out with/are going to talk it out. only #8 has been the MOST stubborn but idk imma let him do his thing & try not to pass too much judgement u know cause i dont need to waste my braincells on that

6. conor (knowing conor's astrological placements makes this make sense to me. but i wanna say that i think he's the type of leo to like be upfront, get it out, vent, and be fine? which is why i respect him a lot and i think we do have a mutual respect for each other. some of the comments he made were kinda rude tho and him fake liking astrology for social game was SO UGLY TO ME!!!! like i'll clown him for it for as long as i know him now cause....JOKE'S ON HIM!!!!!!! WJOEFWEOWEFO but that was kinda mean but def conor's come around and seen the light / has also reached out to me to talk. he's also admitted he left a mean speech in sbbb9 and regretted it so i think he might just shoot off at the mouth a bit. but BETTER THE DEVIL U KNOW THAN THE ONE U DONT and i appreciate the transparency NOW as opposed to the fakeness of him saying he liked astrology for social game. THIS IS A HILL I WILL DIE ON!!!!! im a fan of leos tho and he's a leo moon like me. so. i think we'll be fine. )

7. rob (i actually really REALLY like rob on a personal level but i really do not know if i could play another game with him, at least survivor, id be open to playing bb. i think ill say that the best thing about rob is that he's also apologized, was one of the first to when i confronted them all, me and him have a good personal relationship tbh!! but some of the game comments he made were p harsh and he's definitely a lil bitter but again, he's admitted it, i think while he's more up front -- i dont think i ever wanna be on his bad side in a game. EVER!!! cause we didnt even have any loyalty to each other in the game but he was SO harsh on my game like it was wild bc i dont think id ever be that harsh to ANY OF THEM ABOUT THEIR GAMES LIKE THAT???? anyways. its fine bc again he's apologized and he's owned it but PHEW he got a lil bit of a sharp tongue. really eloquent tho!!!!!!!!!!! love hearing him speak)

8. gage (last but least the southern belle himself................this man an aries and i dont know his other signs but him being an aries man is enough. they POP OFF!!!!!! a lot of times there's some truth to it, sure, but sometimes they just be popping off and FOR WHAT!!!!! i do understand gage's frustrations though but even he apologized for being too mean in HIS FUTURE FUCKING CONFESSIONALSSSSSSSS TO MEEEEEE so. idk. he's got an issue with letting things go in games and miss annajane calls him on a lot of BS and it does NOT seem to really knock him down but. gage is really wht u see is what u get, doesnt really own his faults but at least u kinda know where ur at w/ him. but he's still probs the meanest one in there but i do understand from a game level why he was so fucked up about it, especially after hearing FTC. its just that. i understand his position. BUT HE NEEDS TO TAKE A XANAX SOMETIMES I S2G GAGE I WILL GIVE YOU ONE!!! girl it is NOT that serious!!!!!!)

also forgot to mention that i admitted to gage that chris from s1 was NOT actually my brother and his jaw was on the floor <3 I GOT TO DO ONE TROLL THING RIGHT!!!!!! rip me/seamus' showmance serious!!!!!!)

okay just to add onto my last confessional -- the songs i think represent me best from this playlist game wise are: - perfect for you - punchin' bag - stayin' alive - flip - femme fatale/future nostalgia (for the girls alliance that never was....rip but also me/daisy at merge vibes) - X - the shortchange - TAKE ME AS I AM!!!!! THAT SONG IS THE ONE THATS BECOME MY SONG!!!! for this game especially!!!!! - over yet (the lyrics literally speak for themselves) - tough on myself (sorry for stealing ur song vincent) - seven devils - villains pt. 1 (i dont think i was a villain but i did stuff in this game that i usually dont and would consider villainous for myself FEWIWFEJIFEW i was in my feelings!) - passion & pain taste the same when i'm weak (me coming into the jury house and realizing they'd all snatched my wig w/ the edges and the glue.....i DID cry to this song for at least 2 hours! yes i did! WIFJWJIWEIJE) - tar ('under the stars -- pull yourself from the tar'. at the end of the day, this season was fucking stacked and there wasn't one person who was a bad player at all. at all.stars, if you will. i was under a lot of stars and from all the breakdowns in my game to me actually breaking down -- i GOTTA PULL MYSELF FROM THE TAR!!!! learn!! grow!! be better!!)

TOP 5 (not 'perfect for you'): - punchin' bag - take me as i am - over yet - tough on myself - tar

good for my whole journey imo!! the last 3!!! okay this is my ACTUAL last confessional okay thank u for everything!!! bye!!!

https://youtu.be/T5wRzWwlOp8

and here's my personal playlist for the org: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2E8KGCo1SrBgoJIQ9DycfM?si=96PWq-6ERCyisacQr3zPww

it is literally an hour and a half until the winner reveal and i really just have no idea what's going to happen. like in the back of mind i just have a feeling that im losing bc, yeah you know self-deprecation woo! but yeah idk i think i really gave this game my all and while i dont think i played it flawlessly, i still think i played a strong game i can be proud of :,)

having it be a live final tribal for my first ever like, jury questioning was just--- ugh wild but i actually think it went really well. just based on what people were saying it definitely seemed as if some of the jurors didnt really want to see me and daisy at the end or like, really werent consider voting for me but i think i was definitely able to sway some people who were willing to listen and definitely gave some of the jurors something to think about. so whether or not i win i do think that i had a really great final tribal performance, maybe it was even enough to sway enough people into giving me their vote?? WHO'S TO SAY

anyways this has been such a wild experience and it's surreal to think that it's ending in like, a little over an hour but no matter what happens i can say confidently that i will be able to look back on this season fondly and will be leaving it with my head held high bc I REALLY DID THIS LIKE!!! I REALLY MADE IT TO THE END!! WOW I STILL CANT GET OVER IT HAHAHA!! but yeah bye forever <33

Rob’s Last Video:  https://youtu.be/X3krxxfJ3oo

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Daisy wins in a 7-2 vote!

[incandescent-creativity]

How do you take critisim? Like, well, or is there a specific way you can take it, or do you need a bit to process it, or is it like well if you ask for it? Like, I can take critisim 100% well in writing, but I feel like crying if I /hear/ words (even if it's just " you need more commas") and I'll still use that advice but I need to process it first. (I know I should work on that but-)

Idk if you’re asking me how I personally take criticism, or if you’re asking for tips, but I can talk about both at the same time pretty easily so:

On Taking Criticism—Without Letting It Consume You

First of all, even if you’ve asked for it, even if you’re expecting it, criticism can (and probably will) still suck to hear. This is not a reflection of you as a person, this is not a character flaw, this is a fact of life. Being attached to our writing and being ready to dissect it can exist at the same time, and that conflict can be painful.

Therefore, it makes sense that we need time to process it! I don’t know if you were here for the sensitivity situation I went through with SOLE in December, but throughout that time, I never answered a message or an ask without rereading it a few times. 

Once I’d done that, I’d take a few deep breaths (very important), shed whatever tears I needed to (no shame! and not every message prompted tears. Sometimes you just gotta feel overwhelmed for a moment, ya know?), and then start drafting my response.

Responding to criticism can feel like the writing process of drafting, rereading, editing, and rewriting, and that’s okay. More than okay, probably; I’d go so far as to say it’s wise. Your gut reaction is probably not going to help you have a productive conversation.

But I’d caution you not to stifle that gut reaction, either. Times of criticism can very easily turn toxic to your mental health, so you have to protect yourself. Let yourself feel those gut reactions, acknowledge your emotions, have a cry if you need to! 

Something else I recommend is have a close, trusted friend by your side during this. It helps if they’re a writer, too, but it isn’t mandatory. They’ll understand better, but saying “I’m going through a rough time and need someone to vent to, are you free and comfortable doing that?” is just as good. 

That way, you can have an ear and some support.

ALSO: taking criticism in person, since you mentioned that

First, don’t interrupt. Let the person get their whole thought out in one go. I know the urge to hear something and go, “Actually, I meant this—”, but it will help neither of you. If you have some paper in front of you or you can be on your phone without offense, make a note of it and wait to address it until they’re done.

And yes, taking notes while receiving criticism is encouraged. In the sense that I am encouraging you to do it. The human memory is an imperfect thing, and it will demonstrate to your critic that you’re paying attention and value their opinion.

Find your filler phrases. There isn’t a lot of time for that processing we talked about earlier when you’re face to face, so come up with some good phrases and whip em out when you need to think.

I’d recommend stuff like, “Thank you for being so thorough,” “Wow, that sure was a lot!”, “I’ve never considered / heard that before,” “That’s an interesting perspective.”

If in doubt, just say, “I need a moment to think about what you just told me, do you mind if I process what you said for a moment?”

Communication is crucial in criticism, so make sure you and your critic have a two way street going on. You know your work best, so be sure you’re also being heard and understood! If they can’t do that, they’re not a good fit to be critiquing you. 

- - - 

OKAY that was a long response, but I have a wee bit of experience with critique (I’ve had workshops in classes face to face w people, trusted friends I let read drafts as I write them, mass critique on social platforms, a round of beta reading).

So I guess I had a lot to say haha. If you’d like me to expand on anything I’ve said here, or you have another question or any other comments, my inbox is always open!

[aroworlds]

Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Alex

Today I have the delight of introducing Alex, better known to aro-spec Tumblr as @arotaro and @mutant-jojos!

Alex is a bisexual, half-Puerto Rican multi-disciplinary aromantic artist and creative with severe ADHD. You’ll find her prolific fanworks on AO3 as EmeraldTrash666, writing primarily for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure fandom. Her bold, colourful art for the JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, Fullmetal Alchemist, Hetalia, Pokemon and Vocaloid fandoms is also available on Redbubble under the name StellaHagane.

She writes, she creates digital art and she dabbles in music, sewing and fashion design, single-handedly proving that there’s no such thing as too much creative awesome for any one aromantic!

With us Alex talks about finding the word aro, the power of fandom and creative fanworks, her love of aro Jotaro, the challenges of creating with ADHD, the struggles of being an aro gen writer in fandom and the importance of expressing our aro headcanons. Everything she says is absolutely on point, so please let’s give her all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

I guess in some ways my “story” starts out pretty typical. Got older, kept waiting for my First Crush™, never got it, started worrying and trying to force myself to develop crushes. I actually was in a relationship with another girl on a forum I was part of as a teenager, but eventually I realized that I didn’t really like her romantically, and the relationship started to become really unpleasant for me. I eventually felt so miserable that I didn’t even want to talk at her at all, even though we were close friends, but I didn’t want to break up with her - partly because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, partly because we were everyone’s “OTP” and I didn’t want my friends to hate me for ruining that. But eventually I did break up with her, and I’m happy to say she took it with grace and we’re still close friends today! (She’s ace and a great writer/artist herself, too!)

I was part of a very nice LGBTQ+ group as a teenager, but I could never figure out my identity. I felt really ashamed and alone. Whenever I brought up how messed up I felt because I’d never had a crush on anyone, everyone was like, “Oh, sounds like you must be asexual!”, but I knew I wasn’t, and that was the worst part. Even though I knew aromanticism was a thing, nobody ever talked about it. It was only ever in the context of aroaces, so I didn’t know I was aro. I thought I must have had some sort of mental illness or something, but certainly not a legitimate orientation, nothing to be proud of like everyone else.

During that time, I found myself connecting on a deep emotional level to characters like Alphonse Elric, Fujiwara no Sai, the X-Men in general (although I’ve been an X-Men fan since I was literally a baby), basically anyone who was somehow “different” from the rest of humanity, even though I never understood why, since I was a fairly privileged kid who had never experienced much bullying or anything. Weirdly enough, it was Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure that helped me realize I was aro and come to terms with it; I saw an interview with Hirohiko Araki, the author of JJBA, where he was asked what type of girls Jotaro Kujo likes, and replied that he didn’t think Jotaro liked girls. The obvious interpretation would be that Jotaro’s gay, but somehow, one way or another, I decided to go with the idea that Jotaro’s aromantic. Jotaro also happened to be a character I really related to for reasons I couldn’t quite articulate, so around the time I was 18 I put two and two together and was like ... oh shit…

Please click keep reading to continue Alex’s story!

Can you share with us the story behind your creativity?

I’ve always been weird in the way I’m very creative, but tend to kinda bounce around from hobby to hobby. Other people draw, or write, or sing, while I draw for a month, and then write for a month and sew for a week and play video games for a week, and then I draw some more, and then I try out something completely new, and then I write again. I think it must be an ADHD thing, idk. In any case, I’ve just always been really passionate about making stuff, whatever that stuff happens to be.

I’ve also always been very much fandom-oriented. Ever since I was a toddler, I used to dictate fanfiction to my mom (back then it usually involved Winnie the Pooh, the Powerpuff Girls, Godzilla, and my dog). I mostly draw fanart. I find that I’m not really capable of writing original stories, but I’m great at getting fanfics in character, and I love writing them. I love taking stories I already love and reinterpreting them, seeing what it would be like if the characters were put into different situations, etc.

Because of my ADHD, I really struggle with actually finishing things. I try really really hard, I really do, and I’ve been trying to push myself even harder these past few years. I’ve made progress, but it’s still extremely difficult, so I’m very sorry for all the projects I’ve abandoned over the years. Sorry I still haven’t finished the fic that was supposed to be done in early March. I’m trying, really. I promise I’m working on the next chapter of BLaD, too.

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Of course, pretty much everything I write is gen. Even if I include romantic relationships in my fics, I never write about romance, just stories which also happen to include some characters who might be dating someone. And obviously I always write Jotaro as aro! That’s really important to me. No matter which AU I’m writing, he’s always aro. (And autistic, but that’s off topic.)

I’m also not really into shipping because of my romance repulsion, but I ship Joseph Joestar and Caesar Zeppeli. The thing is … I’ve always viewed it as a unique relationship, sort of difficult to define as being strictly romantic or platonic or sexual, just kind of their own thing that defies words. That’s how I’ve always written it. I had the sudden realization recently that this strange view on the only ship I really actually like (at the moment, anyway) is probably due to my being aro, lmao.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

People don’t read gen fics, and people aren’t interested in aro stories. That’s just the way it is. I do have some dedicated readers, whom I love deeply, but in general… I could post something with a deep plot, something funny and dramatic and witty and touching, something I poured my heart and soul into for months, and it’ll get very few hits/comments/kudos, while someone else could post the same generic 2,000-word romance fic everyone’s seen a dozen times over, with no editing or anything, and get twice the amount of traffic my fics do in half the time. It’s really crushing.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

I dunno… The aro community feels so small. Online, I have a small circle of aro mutuals who all kind of vent collectively, and I’m part of Arocalypse and a few aro/aspec Discord servers, but I still feel like there isn’t really much of a larger community to be part of in the same way that there is for other orientations. Offline, I’ve never met another aro, or even anyone who actually knows what aromanticism is prior to me explaining it to them.

I also don’t feel like there’s a very unified “aspec community”. As an allo aro, I feel very rejected by the ace community - not to say that I feel like I should be part of the ace community, since I’m not ace, but I feel like they throw aros under the bus a lot. I mean, we’ve all seen the “asexuals can feel love, just like anybody else! … oh, except for aroaces, I guess. But the rest of us are normal, so you should accept us!” rhetoric. Both within and outside the aspec communities, aros are rarely treated with the same priority as aces, even though we’re arguably in a much more difficult position than your average allo ace.

That being said, I’m glad there is an aro community at all. I don’t know where I’d be now if I were still questioning. Probably not in a very good place.

How do you connect to your creative community as an aro-spec person?

As I mentioned, there’s a general lack of interest in gen fics or sympathy for romance-repulsed people in general. It’s really difficult being romance repulsed in fandom spaces, because nobody cares about anything other than ships. There are very few gen fics, and even less that are a decent length, not abandoned, or cater to my specific interests, so I have to write my own. I don’t often have anything good to read; most of the big fics, the ones with cool plots and long word counts and ongoing updates, are ship fics. If I’m lucky, maybe two gen fics will be posted in one week, and maybe one of them will be longer than a few thousand words. Maybe one might even have my favorite characters. But usually genfics are few and far between, and kind of random in terms of what you’ll get. Sometimes I get so bored that I read ship fics anyway, and then I always wind up feeling really awful afterwards.

I’ve written, over the course of the past two years alone, over 20 gen fics. But whenever I vent that sometimes I’d like to actually get to read something, I always get someone telling me, “Well if you want gen fics, write some yourself! You have to make the change! You can’t demand people write stuff for you!” And of course, at the same time it’s totally acceptable to request ship fics from your favorite author, and if you complain that there aren’t enough fics for your rarepair, it’s seen as relatable and totally valid.

Fandom is just … really, really amatonormative, tbh. I hate it. I’m trying to make a difference (I did organize Gen Jojo Week along with my friend Rachel last year, and hopefully will again this year), but there’s only so much I can do.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

Aside from reblogging my art and promoting my fics? Talk about stuff. Talk about aro stuff in fandom. Seriously! I know it seems obvious that aro people would like aro headcanons and gen fics and all that, but we need to talk about them more. Nobody outside the community gives enough of a shit about us to have aro headcanons, so let’s get them popular. Talk about your favorite aro headcanons. Talk about your favorite gen fics. Talk about how such-and-such character is totally aro; talk about how excited you are to see aro characters in fics. My dream is for aro headcanons to become just as common and popular as any other type of headcanon.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

This is old news to most of the people who already know me, but my current big project that I’ve been working on for several years now is Between Life and Death, a drama/horror/supernatural JJBA fic.

(WARNING: PHANTOM BLOOD AND STARDUST CRUSADERS SPOILERS BELOW.)

The plot of the fic is that Dio wins at the end of Stardust Crusaders, and after realizing that he has no hobbies other than harassing the Joestars, he decides to bring Jonathan back by sticking his head (which… we’ll just assume Dio preserved for plot purposes) onto Jotaro’s body. Obviously, Jonathan is NOT happy with this arrangement, but it also turns out that Jotaro’s still alive, just not in control of his body. He can still use his stand, so he essentially uses Star Platinum as a sort of proxy for interacting with the environment around him, even though he only comes out when Jonathan’s alone since he doesn’t want Dio to know he’s alive.

Basically, it’s the story of a depressed vampire and a traumatized ghost. It’s a very introspective fic; most of the story consists of conflicts between Dio and Jonathan, and Jonathan and Jotaro struggling to come to terms with their new existences - Jonathan being unable to reconcile vampirism with his personal morals, and Jotaro having one hell of an identity crisis while also mourning the deaths of his friends and family. The plot is picking up, though, and there is an end goal in mind, as well as an eventual sequel!

As for where the story-in-progress is at right now … well, the next “stage” of the plot is hamon training for Kakyoin and Avdol, which will be fun. This chapter also includes several dream sequences, including an extended appearance by Mary Joestar (Jonathan’s mom), and a very serious and dark scene which I almost ruined by having dream!Will Zeppeli refer to Jonathan as his padawan. Yeah.

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

As mentioned, I’m working on chapter 9 of Between Life and Death! And working on and off on some stuff for the mutants AU. Most recently, on a whim I rewrote the lyrics to Handbeat Clocktower by MOTHY to be about Jonathan Joestar. Somehow this went far enough that I’m making an actual UTAU rendition of this “parody”, and hopefully it’ll be done sometime in the next few weeks. I’m really having fun with it and I hope people like it!

[jiamour]

yo bestie im the same when it comes to talent like any time i see someone flexing their vocal cords or dance abilities, i get annoyed because they’re so talented and that makes me envious.

it happens a lot around the neos sometimes, for example, say the dreamies released a video thing (idk what im talking about, just think of it as that hotel thing they did) and renjun started singing or jisung starts dancing i get annoyed because they’re so talented and that annoys me even more because jealousy is a bitch </3 :)

ah that’s understandable sometimes it’s sucks to see people doing and being better than you even if that feels like such a shifty thing to admit.

in regards to talent i don’t really get jealous of others but that’s probably because i don’t have any of the talents to begin with so i can’t even compare myself. but also even though it’s super hard try not to compare yourself to celebrities or professionals whether it’s for their talent or appearance or whatever :( it’s literally what they’ve dedicated their life and when you have other responsibilities it’ll seem impossible to catch up especially since so much is doctored and edited

jealousy sucks but it’s a totally normal human thing to feel and i don’t think we should pretend it’s not there when it is, as long as you don’t let yourself take it out in another person it’s okay . but i also think it comes from self esteem and self image issues a lot of the time because we view ourselves as less than we are usually but also maybe that’s just me projecting :) imo i feel like jealousy like the initial feelings of jealousy is a biological response, your brain sends out your unhappy stress hormones because you sense of self worth is being threatened so there’s really no helping that BUT what we have control over is how we act on those feelings and how we process them but i also don’t know much about jealousy this is just what i would assume so GRAIN OF SALT

hi hi

(tw for this section// mentions of mental illness and eating (also may trigger derealization), skip this paragraph it that’s a triggering subject) in my case i just get upset when people mention things they’ve done or are doing that i can’t do because i can’t even get out of bed :( or when people talk about doing simple tasks that my brain will not let me do even with eating and making food i get jealous that people are capable of doing those things so easy when it seems impossible for me to gain enough energy eat more than one meal a day :( i know it’s bad of me to feel bad about other people living and having their life together without having to face the same obstacles i have to but i can’t help it, it’s so frustrating it’s like i have to work so much harder to do something that’s so easy for them and it makes me want to scream. but envy really helps nothing i wouldn’t wish my struggles on anyone else no matter how much my brain tells me i do i think mostly i just want people to understand and i want to exist i just want to be alive aaaa

sorry i vented in this i’m just been thinking a lot about envy and i’m so in my head right now but i’m trying to do things to be better, i plan on leaving my house today which may seem like nothing but it’s going to be a really big step for me aaa anyways goodnight or good morning i don’t know i haven’t slept in 3 days and bye bye