#also i've been around people who talk down about others who 'haven't grown at all' as far as sns presence

[deductivisms]

having distanced myself from "fandom" spaces -- and really art-centered communities as a whole -- it really is strange to me how there's this perception that posting content automatically means that you're trying to grow an audience / want to become something like an influencer

i'm not trying to make a "living" off of being a content creator so it's not really important to me whether or not a piece gets a lot of visibility or not - i'm just drawing and posting what i like and if other people happen to like it or see it that's a nice bonus!! but i think personally i've kind of checked out of the idea of being an Artist On The Internet

i also just don't like the culture surrounding online art-centered spaces because it caused me to develop a very weird relationship with my work; i wasn't drawing to improve or because i wanted to, i was basically burning myself out trying to get "just good enough" to where people wouldn't judge me anymore for being "bad" which was like ?!?#?#?@#

it's nice to be treated not as someone's "art [sns] mutual" but as just a friend who may also happen to draw and that's why i've felt a lot more comfortable with the people i'm surrounded by now vs previously, where it always felt like my art was a factor into whether or not i was even given baseline respect nod nod

[justawritterwithideas]

Boy Wonder and the Rockstar | s.r

✩ next part ✩

summary: Spencer and Y/N meet in college after a book search, creating a friendship where opposites attract. But Spencer has to move across the country to pursue his happiness and completely loses contact with Y/N. What if fate decides it's time to meet after 15 years and with a crazy stalker in between? Spencer won't lose to fate again and will do anything in his power to protect Y/N.

warnings: mentions of death, alcohol, drugs, strong vocabulary, as well as talk of heartbreak, disappointment and arguments. It also contains content regarding CM season 13, so it clearly contains spoilers. this is a spencer reid x famous!reader story.

this will be a small series of chapters so here are the general precautions of the series, each chapter will have its own precautions. !!!

words: 3,909 words.

a/n: hey! here alme with a little series i've been planning for a couple of weeks now. as you may know, i've been talking about the spencer reid x famous!reader relationship but as hayley williams, so i decided to set myself the challenge and write a little series called "boy wonder and the rockstar", so i hope you like it. i haven't planned how many chapters it will have yet but i don't want to make it too long, and also patience with each chapter. so, I don't want to make it longer and I'll leave you the first chapter. thank you. ♡

𝟎.𝟏: 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐮𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐲.

Spencer always lived under the stigma of being a child genius. His I.Q. was 187, he could read 20,000 words per minute and had an eidetic memory.

Everyone around him told him what to do, from his mother, to his "friends," to his teachers, to his neighbors.

"Hey Spencer, with that brain of yours you could make it in the government" "Spencer you could be part of NASA" "Spencer you could be a mathematical genius like Einstein!" "Spencer you're going to get into the CIA!"

"And where are you going to go to college? Because you know Harvard is already a lock for you" "I bet you'll go to YALE, that's where all the smart ones go" "Princeton is an excellent choice for you!" "MIT could open a lot of doors for you"

Spencer this, Spencer that.

But no one really thought about what Spencer wanted. Maybe he wanted to be a magician and make children happy with his tricks. Maybe he wanted to be a trapeze artist, or a fireman, or an astronaut, or just an ice cream man.

All these expectations of Spencer reached a point where he didn't even know what he wanted in life. He lived under the shadow of the expectations and visions people had placed on him, and he didn't want to let them down. He was just a kid, a kid scared of adult life who had to impose himself because others imposed it on him.

That's how his brain made him skip grades, have to enter high school at age 12, and have to suffer a lot of abuse from the grown-ups for just being a boy genius.

Spencer sometimes wished he could make his brain disappear and have a normal one. Then he could have normal friends, go to a normal school, have a relationship, experience the problems people his age have, and be able to feel the phases of adolescence like any other kid.

But things were not like that.

He had to live the life he had been dealt, with his genius brain and the damn adult problems at 13.

CalTech was a new life he had to accept, but it wasn't as bad as the one he had before. His mind was kept busy for a long period.

He was forced to grow up around books full of equations, chemical elements and mathematical problems, managing at 16 to get his first college degree, which was Mathematics, and the following year to get a PhD in it. But he did not dislike this.

But as they say it is never enough, he kept on studying until he was 21. Thanks to this, he became a doctor of two more degrees, Chemistry and Engineering, in addition to Psychology, Sociology and Criminology.

His social life at the university was not so hectic, in fact, he only stood out for the fact that he was a boy genius, and that was it. To other people, he was a person like any other.

Until one autumn day, in the middle of his 19 years and studying psychology, his paths were interrupted by crossing that of others, and that, probably, is the person who changed his life the last years of college.

It was an ordinary day in the university library. Spencer had been rereading an encyclopedia of human anatomy for two hours. Why you may wonder, well, it was his way of killing time during his free time.

Acquiring knowledge was the best way to keep his brain fed and occupied, according to the boy.

He had eaten his sandwich a couple of minutes ago and let his brain feed on information at that moment, trying to persuade his intrusive thoughts at that minute. Through the pages you could see the muscular system, focusing on the leg and foot areas.

To be honest, it looked quite interesting.

That day, leaves were beginning to fall from the trees, filling the ground with their autumn colors; there was a gentle cool breeze, a strong smell of wet dirt and people were crowded in the warmer areas of the campus. It was no surprise to anyone that the library was one of the most crowded areas, the vast majority of people were gathered around the tables as large college texts lay open on them.

Spencer was sure he had seen more than one student curse at the fact that they couldn't find what they were looking for, and then walk out of the room in exhaustion. It wasn't the first time someone had cursed his name because they found themselves reading the text they were looking for and, besides, they weren't able to approach and ask for it.

He could believe it was cowardly on their part, maybe they were too shy to be able to do it or it was an excuse to put off studying what they were looking for. Even though he considered that the The study methods they had were not very good and, if they started studying earlier, they could increase their grad-

"Excuse me."

A voice interrupted the conversation Spencer was having with himself, pushing away his intrusive thoughts that were beginning to take over his mind. The young man's head turned and he saw a girl, perhaps his age, staring at the encyclopedia in front of him.

"I asked Miss Wellington about the Rouviére and Delmas encyclopedia of human anatomy, and well..." The girl looked over Spencer's shoulder. "She told me that maybe the boy sitting at the back table had it. There are no other tables in the back and you're the only guy sitting here, so I think my deduction is correct and you have it."

"Y-yes, this is the encyclopedia you're looking for." Spencer admitted, looking at the young woman.

More than looking at her, he was admiring her. She was wearing a red skirt and hoodie with some embroidered words on it, her legs were also wearing dark leggings and some rather damaged black converses, over it she was carrying another coat and a backpack; her arms were loaded with medical and anatomy books, plus her hair was disheveled.

"Great! Must be my lucky day that a cute guy has it." Her books fell onto the table and she sat down next to Spencer.

The boy could smell the scent of tobacco and mint mixed with the scent of cherry perfume.

"May I see?" Spencer turned to look at her and, even though he was reading that book first, his head nodded. "Fine! I just want to see..." The sound of the leaves was rapid, as if a fan was moving them. "This... Nervous system."

Suddenly, and as if by magic, a notebook appeared in front of them both and quickly the girl was beginning to write on the blank sheets, even though to Spencer it looked more like a scribble than a resume as such.

"Shit, what is this?" the girl paused to read more closely. "In the central axon, the electrical signal is converted into a chemical signal, and then releases the chemical signal with chemical messengers called neur-neurotransmitters." The sound of the pencil falling on the table made the boy startle.

"Nervous system?"

"That's right, I have a lecture in three days and I'm still trying to associate concepts in the nervous system. Like my nervous system isn't nervous anymore."

Spencer chuckled to himself, the girl had a funny sense of humor.

"In fact, when the brain interprets that we are in danger, it produces a rush of adrenaline that activates the heart and muscles to place them on alert, but if prolonged, it can lead to health problems such as cardiovascular disease like heart attack and is associated with hypertension and arrhythmias and is the enhancer of other cardiovascular risk factors." Spencer turned to look at the girl, who looked quite interested in what he was saying, jotting everything down in her notebook. "But it's not that your nervous system is 'nervous', it's that it interprets that it's in danger and so it sends that kind of stimulus to your body that makes you anxious."

"I see you know about the nervous system, much more than I do." The girl scanned him from head to toe. "Are you a medical student?"

"No, CalTech doesn't have a medical degree, but I am a doctor." The boy admitted.

"How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"Shit, and you already have a doctorate?"

"Actually I have three."

Silence stretched between the two, caused by the woman's shock.

"Are you some kind of alien or is your brain too big that it stores more information than I can retain?"

"Well, I have an IQ of 187 so I can read 20,000 words per minute, plus I have eidetic memory. But I prefer the concept of being more advanced than others."

The girl stared at him.

But to his surprise, the young woman only let out a giggle.

"You're funny, I like it." No one had ever told Spencer that he was funny. In fact, he thought that adjective didn't directly relate to him. "I'm Y/N, Y/N L/N."

"Spencer...Spencer Reid." Y/N denied.

"No, you're not Spencer."

"Excuse me?"

"You're Dr. Spencer Reid." Spencer smiled, she was right. "Well, it's nice to meet you, dr. Reid."

"Nice to meet you, Miss L/N." They both smiled.

"Well, now that I know your name, dr. Reid, we can start our friendship."

Spencer never thought making friends was so easy, even though he knew it was because the girl had gone to the trouble of calling herself his "friend," without even knowing him.

But that didn't bother him, in fact, he found it nice that someone had decided to be his friend.

Overnight, Spencer's evenings began to become more colorful, smelling of tobacco and mint, and filled with questions from Y/N, his new friend.

Although, at first, Spencer didn't seem comfortable around the girl, he quickly got used to it. He had learned several things about Y/N over the days, such as that she was a medical student at Pasadena City College, a college a couple of blocks from CalTech; she was the youngest in the family and had an older brother who had been diagnosed with leukemia a couple of years ago.

He had also learned that she was very into fashion, lived in an apartment complex nearby, smoked a couple of years ago, and only liked menthol tobacco cigarettes. Her favorite color was orange, but she didn't think it looked good on her, and she didn't see herself going to medical school, but she wanted to be a singer.

The first time Spencer heard Y/N sing was during a kermes in Pasadena City, she had been invited to sing on behalf of the medical school. Spencer never liked the idea of being around so many people, let alone at a kermes which was as unsanitary as possible, but his new "best friend" had begged him to go.

He couldn't say no.

He remembered perfectly how her hands shook with nerves, how she bit her lip as she cleared her throat and watched her bandmates, aka Y/N's other friends, rehearse with their instruments.

He knew she had practiced for this moment a bunch of times, had more than once arrived at Spencer's dorm wet from head to toe from running in the rain after a rehearsal, and hummed the songs under her breath every time they studied together in the library.

She was more than ready, but her own fears sometimes made her afraid of her talent.

Reid's eyes were on her, smiling confidently to convey that feeling as a guitar began to play the first chords, and announced the start of her performance.

Spencer didn't know what song it was, he wasn't even sure if the song was to his taste, but when he heard Y/N's voice he knew it had become his favorite song.

“Her name is Noelle

I have a dream about her, she rings my bell

I got gym class in half an hour

And, oh, how she rocks

In Keds and tube socks

But she doesn't know who I am

And she doesn't give a damn about me”

Their gaze was on each other, as if they were the only ones in that large space. The few times the eye contact was broken was when Y/N closed her eyes.

The song ended successfully and an avalanche of applause greeted Y/N, who thanked the audience for their attention. Soon another band filled the stage and for a few seconds, Spencer lost sight of Y/N. He wanted to tell her how great she had turned out, how all her effort and practice had made everything come out perfectly and that she looked like a total rockstar on stage.

"Spence! How was it, did you like it?" Y/N hugged the boy's arm, who turned to look at her with a sweet smile on his face.

"It was amazing, Y/N. Everyone loved it." Affirmed the boy.

"I was so nervous, I was so afraid it wouldn't go well, but I saw you there, and I felt like I could do it. You're my lucky charm, Spencie."

Spencer felt something jump in his chest.

"Let's get something to eat, I'm dying for some corn-dogs." Said the opposite.

"Y-yeah, let's get something to eat, my treat."

The day Spencer was accepted into the FBI academy was probably the most bittersweet day of his entire life.

At 22 years old, and in the middle of finishing his college semester for what felt like the fifth time, a letter arrived in his dorm room.

A letter of acceptance.

He could feel that all his hard work had been rewarded by whoever was up there. He quickly put on his sneakers and ran a marathon to the medical building at Pasadena City College.

His best friend's short red hair he could quickly visualize as he saw her smoking by the entrance, she seemed to be listening to something on her MP4 and bobbing her head to the beat of-who-knows-what song.

"Y/N! Y/N!" Spencer's voice sounded agitated, trying to get her best friend's attention.

The, now, redhead removed her earpiece and turned to see the tall boy running towards her.

"Spence?" From her mouth came the tobacco smoke, causing her to let the cigarette burn between her fingers.

"I made it, I got into the academy!"

The two big hazel eyes made contact with those of the girl, who dropped the cigarette to the sidewalk and hugged her friend tightly.

"I can't believe it, Spence! You did it! You did it! My goodness, I couldn't be prouder!" The younger girl began to do some jumping jacks as she didn't let go of her grip on his embrace.

"Thank you, Y/N. I couldn't have done it without you, you were the one who stuck with me through this whole process."

"You don't have to thank me, dorkie. I knew you'd make it, they couldn't leave out a genius like you." Soon they both disengaged from the embrace and the girl looked at the boy's face. "W-where is the academy? Tell me."

"I don't know, I-I didn't fully read the letter." He admitted embarrassed.

"Then read it! Go on." The girl took him by the arm and forced him to sit down on the faculty stairs.

Slowly, Spencer began to read the letter while Y/N listened intently to every word.

"The course begins on September 23rd of the current year in..." A pause.

Y/N looked at Spencer, who had stopped reading the letter.

"Where, Spence, what does it say?"

"The course begins September 23rd of the current year in Quantico, Virginia."

Y/N felt like a bucket of cold water had just been dropped on her.

Quantico? That was on the other side of the country!

"Q-quantico? Spence, that's on the other side of the-"

"Country, I know Y/N. I-I... I can't do it, I can't."

"What the fuck are you talking about!" The girl stood up startled, looking accusingly at her best friend. "No, I refuse. You have to do it, it's your dream, Spence! What you've always wanted for the last three years that I've known you, I refuse to let you back down now, I won't allow it!"

Spencer looked up from the letter, watching Y/N who was looking at him with her face burning with anger.

"You know I can't do that, what's going to happen to my mom? You know what's going on with her and her schizophrenia, I can't leave her alone."

"She would want you to go, Spence. Her happiness is where yours is, you know she'll be able to do it, there are plenty of options to help her." A long silence settled between the two of them.

Spencer didn't want to leave California, he didn't want to leave his mother or Y/N, he couldn't.

"Spencer Reid, I know what you're thinking right now, but I won't let you let this opportunity pass you by. You have dreamed of this exact moment for years, for as long as I have known you you have always wanted to go to the academy and you have done everything in your power to do so. Now they are offering it to you on a silver platter, you have to do it, there is nothing more you can do here in California. You've already studied all the existing careers in the world, you've already done what anyone in 50 years would have done and at your short 22 years you're already a doctor of three careers." The girl settled back down beside him, letting her icy hand wrap around Spencer's warm one. "You can't just limit yourself to staying here just because you have an engagement, the world has to know who Dr. Spencer Reid is like I know him, you have to go."

Spencer drew an elongated smile, feeling his body fill with that feeling of sadness that pervaded him from head to toe.

The redhead's words were true, it was his dream. But he didn't want to leave the only thing that made him happy on the other side of the country, he would love to carry it in his pocket to Virginia and have his dose of serotonin after each day.

He didn't want to stop smelling her tobacco and minty breath, the cherry smell coming off her clothes and the blueberry smell coming off her hair. He wanted to keep seeing the reddish locks of hair on his clothes and the cheesy paper notes in his pockets every time they met. He wanted to keep listening to the music on Y/N's MP4 every time he went to her apartment and drink coffee with lots of sugar that she made for him, keep hearing her voice in the shower and get biology questions at three in the morning every time she had a test.

He wanted to go to thrift stores to try on printed T-shirts and watch Y/N's camera fill up with pictures of the two of them, keep going to her shows with her band and eat frozen pizza after every gig.

He wanted to keep being with her.

But if she was letting him go, then he had to let her go too.

"I think I can go on living without hearing your bad jokes." Spencer's words lifted Y/N's spirits, who gave him a playful smile.

"Hey! My jokes are the best, last time you laughed for two hours."

"Because it was stupid."

They both laughed, letting the tension of the moment go with the last echo of their laughter.

"So you'll go across the country to make me proud?"

"Yes, I'll go make you proud."

Y/N's arms wrapped around Spencer's body, resting her head in the space of his shoulder and chin.

"I'm glad you didn't make a dumb decision."

Staying here with you isn't a dumb decision, Spencer thought.

They both pulled apart.

"Well, screw the skeleton. Let's go to the library and write your answer."

The girl's small hand imprisoned the boy's large hand, guiding him to the library to write what would be Spencer's fate.

The flight from California to Washington was five hours.

Five hours where Spencer and Y/N would be separated, and they would have to accept that fate had something different in store for the two of them.

Despite California being a sunny paradise, that day he wanted to keep the two friends company as they said goodbye at the airport.

"You already know my number, you know you can call me whenever you want." Commented the girl, who was in charge of carrying the book she had given him to read during the trip.

"I'm not such a fan of technology, you know that."

"There are pay phones over there too, Spence. It only costs a couple of cents to call me, plus they must have landlines there, and you have my email." The girl stopped in front of the door that separated goodbyes with new beginnings. "And if not, you can send me a letter. You know my address."

"A letter doesn't sound bad at all, in fact, for centuries, it was one of the most widely used means of communication by human civilizations since man began to write and whose importance transcended nations. The oldest courier service ever found was in Egypt in 2400 B.C. and in 1840, Sir Rowland Hill created the first postage stamp, which was called Penny Black, which was a profile drawing of Queen Victoria of England that had the rate 'One Penny' written on it."

"Oh Spence, I'm going to miss your fun facts about absurdly boring things." Commented the girl before she could hug him.

Spencer felt his heart clench.

"I'll miss you listening to me." They both turned in an embrace so tight it could take all the oxygen out of their bodies.

Neither wanted to be the first to say goodbye, neither was ready to leave the other. Their hearts were bound together like puzzle pieces, and just as when you lose one, the puzzle will no longer be complete.

"Now, you must go, your flight is about to leave." Y/N commented, separating from the young man as she wiped away the small tear that escaped from her eyes. "Miss me a lot, huh? And show off how pretty your best friend is."

"Always. Remember that wherever you are, whatever you do or whoever you're with, you'll always be in my heart."

A pout settled in Y/N's mouth, who felt like she was letting a part of her go with Spencer.

"Don't forget about me, because I will never forget about you." Demanded the girl, who was pushing the boy to go for his flight.

"It's impossible for me to forget you, I have an eidetic memory." He said laughing, waving goodbye as he received the book the girl handed him.

The two met in a final embrace, where Spencer could smell the girl's cherry and menthol tobacco scent for the last time.

"Write me!" Y/N vociferated, waving goodbye to the boy who nodded and disappeared behind the airport doors.

Y/N and Spencer didn't know that at that moment fate would place them on trial, causing their paths to diverge for many years until, magically, they would come together again.

“When two souls are meant to meet, fate brings worlds closer, erases distances, joins paths and defies the impossible.” Anonymous.

@alexa-33 | @ahhhhyesk | @imthefuckingleader | @narmothewraith | @kneelforloki | @niyahwhoreworld | @lexie0037 | @deadunicorn159 | @corpsebridenightamare | @preciousbabypeter | @sakuramadae | @zzz000eee | @runefirestarter | @sebastiansstanswhore | @whateverrrrrrrrs | @xsarcasticwriterx | @chris-seb-marvel | @bellaramseygfsblog | @lillysbigwilly | @dezibou | @astrophileous | @ily2lia | @sophiario | @valenftcrush | @oxace-of-heartsxo | @spencerrxids | @w31rdg1rl | @ineedsomezzz | @yeehawbitchs

If you like it, don't forget to like and repost it.

a lot of love, alme. ❀

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.169 Caught up

It's 5:19 a.m., and Desi is giggling, so I guess it's time to get up. Today is her birthday, and I am stoked about celebrating a new chapter of her life. But that joy in tandem with all these deaths, and watching everyone around me get older, has me feeling anxious. In the grand scheme of things, I'm still pretty young, not even a quarter of the way through my adult days. But time feels like it's zooming by. I can't recall exactly when it started, but these last few months have flown by so quickly. It feels like just yesterday I moved in with Sophia, and now I'm grieving the loss of my parents. And I have a toddler now. Where has the time gone? What have I really done with my life? Even though I know I've grown a lot, sometimes I still feel like that scared young man who was afraid of his feelings.

Desiree isn't ready to eat yet, but I'm starving, so I put her in the high chair while I got food for me. I learned my lesson, and she will not scare me like that again. I think she enjoys keeping me company, sitting there, blowing raspberries and saying things to me. She's so chatty so early in the morning. Maybe she's recalling a wild dream she had, heh. I'll always encourage growing her skills, but hopefully she won't end up as chatty as Chi Chi and her daughter. Still, I kinda can't wait to have a real conversation with her. I tell her today is her birthday and about how she'll be a big girl and all the fun things we can do together like go to the park, play in the water, and make friends. She doesn't seem impressed, and I laughed at her unamused face. I guess she's not interested in life outside my arms yet, heh.

Sophia joined us a little later, and I ask for her thoughts about doing play dates with Yasmine's girls. I expected a little resistance, but I didn't expect the full on stone face.

"We made a promise to each other, Luca."

I had not forgotten how we promised to make time for each other no matter how hard or busy things got, but what did that have to do with this? Desi needs to socialize. We may as well do it with kids we already know vs. meeting strangers at the park or whatever. Sophia admits the recent busyness was beyond our control and expresses gratefulness for the pockets of time we made for ourselves. But she also senses me getting caught up. I shift in my chair and tense up because it sounds like she's accusing me of something, and I don't like it.

"You have a huge heart, and I love that about you," she says. "I don't ever want you to stop caring about people, but while you're out here trying to help everyone, I feel like you're gonna edge me out of your life."

I can't lie. Those felt like fighting words, and I couldn't keep it together anymore.

"Edge you out? How could you possibly think that? After all we've been through??"

"No, please, you misunderstood me. I'm just saying I don't want to be left out. You're already gone a lot to look after your niece and nephews. I'm not a babysitter or even your baby mama. I'm you're wife! And we're friends! I miss talking to you and laughing about stupid stuff!"

"I'm not saying I don't want to help Yasmine," she continued. "Just...watch yourself. You're so quick to say yes to everyone, but I don't want you spending all of our time being a hero. Remember to make time for us. Please."

I see what she means now. I guess I have been falling down on the job lately. Taking care of her, Desiree, and the house is noble—endearing, even—but it's no substitute for spending quality time together, not that my goal was to avoid quality time. She shouldn't have to loiter in the living room, waiting for me to come home to spend time with me. I need to be more intentional about it. I still haven't taken her to that restaurant by Dub's house. Maybe it's time to clear the proverbial schedule and do that.

"I'll remember."

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i don't design my grandpa a tattoo of his dead mom I never met?

I (20 M) and my grandpa (50s? M) have a pretty good relationship. We don't talk very often because he lives in a different state, but we see each other a few times a year when he visits town. Our relationship has grown pretty shallow because of how little we interact with each other, as we haven't had any deep conversations or interactions since I was about 14 when he moved out of state.

Due to this, he still pretty much sees me exactly how he did when I was around the ages of 7-10 as this was when he was in my life the most. I've been actively going by another name since age 13, he knows, but he refuses to call me my name (despite it literally being my legal middle name that he's always known and used to call me it before I decided to reject my legal first name). He's sat me down in private telling me he would never call me my chosen name because it's too hard for him to remember. I'm kind of bitter to him towards this and am allowing our relationship to become more shallow. I'm trans and I know he'll never see me as a man, because he basically sees me as a 10 year old girl and no matter what I do he won't respect my identity. I don't think he like...believes in trans people but we've never had a direct conversation about it.

Now heres the actual situation: a week before father's day, he messages me on facebook at midnight asking me to design him a tattoo alongside my cousin (25 M) who is in a complete other state and is also kinda shallow towards him due to being closeted as bi and my grandpa being homophobic to mlm (he's ok with lesbians bc my cousins mom is one and she's the favorite child lol). he wanted a tribute tattoo dedicated to my dead great grandmother that I never met and don't care about at all. This is completely out of my scope of artistic skill as I mostly draw suggestive art of thick anthro women and I don't want to make a tribute tattoo for someone i never met? Considering how porn-y my style is I think it would be disrespectful to do it as well. Also I was high as fuck when he messaged me. I don't know why I did, but I agreed to do it and then asked my cousin to do it, despite him also never meeting her. He agreed to handle it. Weeks pass

A week or so ago, my grandpa came in town and the first thing he said to me is "Hey girl! Where's my tattoo?" and I was instantly uncomfortable but i just shrugged it off and made a joke and it didn't come up for a while. It turns out my cousin didn't draw the tattoo either, but I don't blame him too much ngl. The whole week he was in town, he kept bugging me about doing this tattoo for him and I kept shrugging him off. My mom, who actually knew the lady, made a tattoo design and it was really clever and personalized and well thought-out, but he rejected it because it wasn't my cousin or I who designed it.

I never plan on making it. Should I just do it to get it over with?

What are these acronyms?

[clonerightsagenda]

HDM 3 & 4!

Episode 3:

me watching Mrs. Coulter ransack a university library while demanding "find me something heretical or illegal" wow haha it's just like being at work

"tired old men talking about tired old things" How much of breaking Jordan's scholastic sanctuary is revenge for the fact that they won't let women like her in? If you can't beat them, tear them down.

Tony's mumbled excuses about how he found Lyra are so on point for 'kid who does not want his mom finding out about his vigilante justice escapades'

Loving the running gag of Boreal going to our world and finding his car ticketed/booted. He doesn't even know what the boot is

Oh wow, we're getting our first look at Will now? As well as backstory on why his family is getting harassed, and we dropped the bomb of John Parry = Grumman already, even though that's a late book 2 reveal. Interesting choice. My guess would be that they want to spend less time in season 2 on stringing that mystery along and more on developing Will and Lyra's dynamic, since they shift into bffsies mode pretty abruptly.

Mrs. Coulter thinking about falling off high places again... I don't recall the implication of this self-destructive impulse in the books (haven't reread the third yet) but this is certainly setting up her death, huh? Whose idea was it, I don't remember....

Also, her calling Benjamin "boy" multiple times even though he's clearly a grown man - does that have the same racist implications in the UK as it does in America? It certainly shocked me. We hadn't really seen a racial undertone in how she's dealt with Boreal, the Master, or the reporter...

Episode 4

Of course they added Lee singing a song lol. If you paid all the money for LMM...

They took away Farder Coram's disability? He's older, sure, but seems perfectly hale and hearty. I'd make a joke about Lyra just thinking someone is tragically disabled due to being 60+ but the books say his health got wrecked after getting hit by a poison arrow. There is that other gyptian with the limb differences, I suppose.

Iorek is pronounced Yorick??? Oh wow I've been doing Eye-or-eck (like neck) for years.

I can't identify the accent Iorek has, but I'd be curious as to what accent the showrunners decided bears should have. I'd assume something Northern European since we're in Fantasy Scandinavia.

Mrs. Coulter has been violent toward her daemon a few times, which I also don't recall from the books, although it comes up with that one guy in the prequels. It emphasizes her internal conflict that they're setting up super hard.

Lee's far more comic relief in the show, and they've padded out the Iorek armor quest quite a bit. Guess they decided they needed to get their money's worth out of having Lin Manuel Miranda around before he dies and gets eaten.

They didn't make Serafina's daemon a goose??? Slander!!!

Lord Boreal homophobia moment... These have been the Bigotry Episodes

So I get why they have Lyra speak up to convince the gyptians in the previous episode and take the initiative re: Lee and Iorek - it makes the MC a more active rather than reactive protagonist, etc. - but I said while liveblogging the books that I appreciated the gyptians clearly have their own plans and aren't just convenient brown people who exist to ferry the protag on her journey, and this undercuts it a little bit. Also being a kid getting helplessly buffeted around by the machinations of adults is part of what Lyra has to deal with.

I'm still reading it as Eye-or-eck in my head as I type this. Sorry. It's too late for me.

[babbling-idiot2]

(I have found the show Night Court and it was a mistake on my mothers part. You'll lover it she said. A guy from the original IT movie is in it she said. Yes Harry Anderson is in it. But my god, Dan Fielding is so fine. I would use different a word but I'm trying to be calm. I will continue to write for this man. So please, Request for him. I beg of you! Enjoy!!)

Harry T. Stone, best friend, and court judge. He had been your best friend since you could remember. He was always there for you, and of course, you were always there for him. It was surprising to hear that he had finally gotten the job at Manhattan Criminal Court. You were very happy for him and even went out of your way to go and see him on his first day. Harry knew the chance of you making it slim. You lived so far away, and you even had a job of your own. He had no idea you were in the building and was in for a surprise, but little did you know, so we're you.

When you arrived in the court house, you asked for directions. When you were told the 8th floor, you were immediately on your way. After finding his office, you walked in and waited. Luckily, he wasn't there to greet you. It was a perfect time to surprise him.

Thankfully, you didn't have to wait long. Harry walked in, looking down at some mail in his hands. You were on his couch and silently watching him. He walked to his desk and around it. His hand grabbed the chair, and right before he could sit down, you spoke up.

"How's your first day on the job, Judge Stone?"

He lets out a short yelp and looks over at you. His eyes are wide, and a huge smile spreads over his face.

"Y/n? What in the world. I thought you were working?"

He says as he starts to round his desk towards you. When he gets to you, he pulls you into a bone crushing hug.

"What and miss my best friends' first day as a judge? Not in a million years."

You say as you hug back.

"So, tell me everything. I'm dying to hear all about your day."

He smiles wide and goes to start talking but stops when the door to his office opens. In walks two men and two women. One of the men and both of the women seems to immediately want to leave to give some privacy. But the other man is in a very nice suit, is looking at you. Pratically undressing you with his eyes.

"Hey, come on in. I'd like you to meet my best friend y/n. Y/n, meet Bull one of our baillifs. Lana, our court clerk. Liz, our public defender. And that is Dan, our public defender."

You smile at everyone. Nodding your head their way. Dan smiles as well and walks forward.

"Dan Fielding. It's nice to meet you. It's so rare that we get to meet new people here who don't have priors. Especially one as attractive as you."

Smiling, you look over to Harry before turning back to Dan.

"I'm flattered. It's nice to meet you, Dan."

His smile never falters.

"Would like to get drinks later tonight? I would be happy to take you on the town, show you things you haven't seen before."

"Lovely offer. I'd like to get drinks, but I grew up in this city, I've seen it all."

He shrugs his shoulder and reaches for your hand. He grasps it and leans forward, kissing the top of it.

"You may have grown up here, but there is one place you haven't seen before."

Raising your eye brow in question.

"Oh, and where would that be?"

Smirking, he steps closer.

"My bed."

Oh, so clever and cheesy at the same time. You smile in shock but also the fact that, besides the simple fact that he is very forward, he's so attractive. You might just let this take you wherever it may lead, even if it is to his bed. Harry steps forward and looks at Dan. Sending a warning glare his way.

"Dan, Y/n is not here to be harassed by you."

Dan throws his hands down to his sides, and his smiles drop slightly.

"He is correct. I'm not here to get asked out by any means. I'm here to see Harry work his magic in the courtroom. But that doesn't mean I don't accept the offer still. What time did you have in mind, Dan?"

Dan's head perks up, and he smiles yet again.

"When we are done here. I'm not sure what time that will be, but if you hang around, I'll definitely still be here."

Nodding your head, you turn back to Harry. Linking your arm with his, you point to the door.

"I think i am feeling a bit peckish. Lead the way, Judge Stone!"

Harry smiles and starts to walk towards the door, all the while sending Dan an angry look.

After you both have left and the others are still standing there. Dan sighs and sits on the couch.

"My god, did you see that?"

The others look at each other for a moment until Lana speaks up.

"You mean the way you oggled the poor thing? Yeah, we saw. You got to get ahold of yourself."

He shakes his head against the couch arm.

"If there's a god, he's taken pity on me."

He says as he looks up at the ceiling. After a few seconds, go by he mouths a silent 'Thank you.'

[setagaya-division]

ARB Birthday Special: Elliot Shimizu

~~ August 8th ~~

"The love for all living creatures is the most noble attribute of man."

Login Lines:

*Pants* "I'm late!" *Pants* "Oh no... I promised my boss I'd be there in five minutes! I hope whatever he wanted isn't serious! ...Still, I wonder what the 'emergency' is? ...Finally, I'm here! ...Wait, why is it so dark in here? Where is everyone?

"SURPRISE!!"

"Ahhh!! What the?! What's going on?! ...'Happy Birthday, Elliot'? ...It's my birthday?! Oh jeez, I forgot... again!"

Voice Lines:

"That surprise party was like something out of a dream. To think that I, who often felt like a shadow in the lives of others, would be the center of such a heartfelt celebration. It's... it's a strange warmth that fills my chest, a happiness that's both foreign and intoxicating. For once, I feel seen, acknowledged. I... I don't know how to feel about it, exactly. It's not... bad. Actually, it feels pretty good."

"18. I can't believe it. The number feels so... heavy on my tongue. It's a milestone that marks adulthood. ...Yet inside, I don't really feel any different. There's an expectation that with this age comes a certain maturity, a sense of having grown or changed. But as I look in the mirror, the same old Elliot stares back. It's... it's a really sobering thought, realizing that perhaps I haven't evolved as much as I should have over the past year."

"As the day progresses, a familiar ache settles in my chest. Two years have passed, and the mysteries of our pasts, mine and my siblings, they still remain just that: mysteries. The fragments of memories I hold are like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, scattered and incomplete. The truth about who we are, about who I am, seems just out of reach. But the search for answers is a path I'm committed to walking, no matter how daunting it may seem."

"Nee-san. ...Thank you. I'm glad you took time out to wish me a 'happy birthday'. ...Yeah, truthfully, it was my co-workers at the vet who reminded me. ...No, don't feel bad, Mina-san. Sometimes, like you, my birthday... it just feels like another day. ...Thank you, Nee-san. Like you, I'm glad I got to know you too."

"What's this? ...Oh, a journal? For... writing down my conversations with animals with? ...Gee, thanks Mina-san. Still though, I feel even if I do this, I don't think anyone will believe me. Half the time I don't even believe myself when I say I'm talking to animals. ...Yeah, you're right. Thank you, Nee-san. Thank you, really and truly."

"Yorii-kun. ...How does it feel to be 18? I don't know. I've only been 18 for one day. I imagine it feels no different than 17, I guess. Give me some time, and I'll explain it. ...Responsibilities? You mean, like making sure you're awake for school? Making sure we have food in the fridge? *Sighs* ...I'd say 'don't ever change, Yorii-kun', but... never mind."

"So, what exactly is this? A... murder mystery jigsaw puzzle?! Yorii, you know I dislike anything that revolves around violence and/or murder! ...Oh, so it's suppose to be used to solve a murder? Still, I don't know if that's any better. ...I guess I can give it a try, but still... if this gives me nightmares, I won't be happy. ...Right. Thank you, Yorii-kun."

Mina Lines:

"Happy birthday, Elliot-kun. ...Did you forget today was your birthday? ...I see. I guess I can't throw stones. I'm not even sure my birthday could be considered a 'birth' date. It just seems like it's another day. ...Thank you, Elliot. I know I don't say this often, but... I really am glad I have you as my sibling."

"By the way, here's a birthday gift. I had to rush to get one cause I couldn't out during the day. ...It's a journal, ya' know, for writing down your personal thoughts and such. But... I also figured you could use it when you want to record your conversations with any animals you pass by. ...It doesn't matter if anyone believes your gift, Elliot. I know it's real, and so do you. If the people out there don't believe, that's their problem. ...Your welcome. And happy birthday, once more."

Yorii Lines:

"Hey, Big Bro! Happy birthday! So, how does it feel to be 18, huh? A legalized adult? ...Hey, don't knock 18, bro! Like I said, you're an adult now. Which means you've got all kinds of important responsibilities! ...Uhh, yeah, kinda. *Laughs awkwardly* ...Me? Change? Ha, in your dreams, bro!"

"Anyway, here's my gift to you! ...It's a murder mystery jigsaw puzzle! ...Hold on before you go crazy, Big Bro! It's not horror-filled. It's more like that board game you and Kanra-chan's older sister like to play. Cluedo or something. ...Just try it out, and I promise you'll like it. ...Ha, we all know you'd have nightmares, regardless. But I promise you'll like it! ...No problem, bro! Happy birthday again!"

[kingwuko]

Hey im new to wuko i think it's cute but I'm Not sure about it like what does mako LOVE about wu ? genuinely asking it feels unbalanced to me

GASP NEW TO WUKO???

Welcome to the Wuko fandom my friend. I'm glad to hear you think it's cute and excited that you are interested!

I don't want to scare you away. But as you can see I'm a little unhinged about Wuko as a ship lol. I could talk about them all day. And I have. Better people than me have written meta on why Wuko works as a ship, but I'll do my best!

When you say 'unbalanced', I'm guessing you mean that it's pretty clear that Wu loves Mako, but you aren't sure about the other way around.

Since this isn't a canon ship, we have to make some assumptions based on canon. It's EASY to interpret the way Wu acts throughout the show and the comics are signs of romantic feelings. We have to look at Mako a little more closely.

For me, personally, the biggest thing that I believe Mako loves about Wu is his growth as a person. We see it in canon. Mako watches Wu become more selfless throughout the show. He acknowledges it in the finale. He makes comments about it in Ruins of the Empire.

I don't know about you, but I don't know ANYONE in the world who is perfect. But I know plenty of people who think they're perfect or close enough and don't believe they have to change and grow to be better. And I also know certain people who have grown TREMENDOUSLY during the time I've known them and changed for the better.

The people who see where they can grow and improve, then actually do it? The people who can admit when they're wrong and change? The people who can take criticism and acknowledge their faults, then actively work to be better? Those are people worth the risk of loving.

I think Mako loves a lot of things about Wu but he doesn't realize it, much like in season one when he first met Korra, he struggled to recognize when his feelings for her were emerging. But I think when Mako finally realizes there's something there for Wu, he's going to realize all the little things he loves, too. Yes, there's lots of big things to love and admire about Wu: his handling of the evacuation, his decision to give up absolute power to transition the Earth Kingdom into a democracy, then his decision to delay his abdication make a smoother transition of power...

But also consider: Wu genuinely dotes after Mako; wants to make him feel better when he's down; throws compliments around like it's nothing; he accepts Mako exactly as he his, messy history and all; he wins the hearts of Yin and Pabu; and despite his obnoxious comphet ladies man act, he manages to befriend Korra, a person Mako cares about and holds in the highest regard. Wu is fun and outgoing. He does things just because they feel good. He dances and sings. He befriends animals. He CARES.

Mako can definitely fall in love with someone who has all those traits. They got off to a rocky start, but so what? Mako and Korra got off to a rocky start too. He loved her anyways, but they didn't work together because they weren't compatible. Mako and Wu are, in a perfect opposites attract way.

Ironically, you mentioned it feels 'unbalanced' and I wrote a whole post about their personality types and how they balance each other out, here, if you're interested.

I hope I haven't scared you away with my rambling. I have been actively shipping these two for a looooong time. Pretty much since I first saw season four, which would have been around eight or nine years ago! And I've had this blog since 2019, so I've been active in the Wuko fandom for years.

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees

TW for discussions of suicide, ideation, and death.The video also features emeto, sickness, and severe nosebleeds.

This is one of those classic songs that takes a positive beat to some really genuinely distressing lyrics! The song sounds so uplifting while the lyrics are so depressing...

So many of my friends are suicidal. In fact, I may have lost someone recently due to it. It's been a struggle for me to accept this, especially since I don't know for sure if they're alright or... gone. Systems, in general, have such a high rate of suicidal ideation...

When I first heard this song, I focused heavily on my own ideation. The song was incredibly relatable to me, as both a writer and someone who struggles severely with depression. I believe I heard it first in the throes of some really dangerous depression, with very little sunlight keeping my vitamins up and a lot going wrong around me. I really felt the lyrics very strongly: Maybe this writer's block that I've been perceiving / Is to stop me diving deeply into my internal being. What if the universe is stopping me from doing the things I enjoy because I'll learn I was never good at it in the first place? What if I'm not worth anything?

What if these words I take the time to doll out are pointless?

...

But I know they aren't.

The key thing I think about when I listen to this song now is that... just this video alone has 154k views. One hundred fifty four thousand views. That's so many people who have listened to "the ramblings of a lunatic." There's 194 comments on this video alone, so many of them talking about how they relate.

I'm not alone. This band isn't alone. Nobody is alone in this world.

In those moments when I feel so alone -- like I will never be able to get a grip on all of this bullshit in this world -- I like to remember that there are others who are surviving with me. And lord, have we survived a lot. In the video, it seems like the characters are surviving a lot too. Everything just... reflects back to me my own trauma, my own fight to survive.

I won't pretend otherwise... things are hell. I am losing my friends slowly to the trials of an incredibly hard life. I get friends reaching out on the edge of that cliff and I know I cannot, in the end, do much but offer my words of encouragement and love. I encounter flashbacks of trauma and ramifications of abuse, and while I've made progress, I constantly feel I will never be free of those struggles.

But... I am now approaching my thirties. I am an adult. I have a fiance, a job I love, a family. I reached recovery targets this year, completely accepted a major trauma I've experienced, to the degree that something that used to trigger me severely... doesn't. And I look at my friends, the ones still here, the ones still able to fight, and I know they can do it, because haven't they done so much already? Look at where we are.

Look at how we've grown.

When I hear this song, I hear all of that hope alongside all the pain. I hear the fact that these people, struggling, aching with depression, released such a beautifully relatable song. And I think it's so important to acknowledge the rest of the album this song comes from...

To quote the band... The album is "about coming to terms with the worst parts of your personality – with the things that scare you, with the things that keep you awake at night… with the deaths of your friends, and the slow acceptance that you are deserving of love.”

You are deserving of love. It is slow to accept. But it is always, always true.

My heart goes out to all of us here who feel like our words are wasted, who feel we are not worthy, or feel we ought to simply disappear. We are still here and we can thrive. It is a hard fight, but we are all fighting together.

I hope today is a day you do not have to fight; where you can lay the sword down and not struggle simply to exist. But... if you do have to fight today... know you are not alone.

You are loved. You are not alone.

[watermeloncholycucumbersome]

Day 70 of Writing Something Everyday

(365 Day Challenge)

True Story.

Why is everyone "too busy" when I need them,

But I have to be available and ready to go when others need me?

It's the truth I've suffered the repercussions..

I guess there's a big difference between mine and others' mentalities,

I know how it feels to be:

Not thought about,

Unacknowledged,

Last minute additive,

The odd one out...

Bullied...

Patronized..

Purposely made feel bad...

I don't do that to others because it's a terrible feeling but I guess most I've met have never had that problem,

The world at their beckon call...

It must be nice to have the world on speed dial and it just answers on the first ring, agreeing to do your bidding.

I haven't had that luxury unfortunately.

They just use me when they need me,

And guess what? I'm right there like an idiot doing whatever needs done.

I text someone they never respond all day,

Yet I'm the asshole if I don't respond in 2.7 seconds.

I need to find friends?

Oh okay, just let me go to the friend store..

You don't think I've tried?

NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

I'm not lying they get what they want and I foolishly think I have someone to talk to because they've humoured me for a bit and they never come back.

Show me where these decent people are..

I've definitely not seen them or met them,

To have a friend you have to be a friend.

Friendship is a one way street now, all take and no give.

I try to share with others what I have but that's not good enough, the humans around me are too privileged I guess,

Then I'm expected to take what I'm given with a smile on my face and a thank you on my lips.

Everyone seems to have a choice but me..

When am I going to wake up and realize that people don't like me?

Heck, they don't even think about me..

When they do I'm looked up and down like the world is a fashion show and I didn't get the memo.

Sorry for not being fancy enough to hang out with you..

"Oh you cut your own bangs? Ha-ha-ha-ha"

Yes, yes it's hilarious to not have anyone help me so I have to do it myself..

"Oh she's so Canadian!"

Here we have exhibit A, the little uncultured swine called Jenni.

She only eats certain things she can handle because she might be a bit neuro like that..

Things out of her 'safe zone' might taste weird, make her vomit, and she's not partial to weird textures etc.

Watch her struggle learning to use chopsticks and laugh because it's sooooooo hilarious, then when she picks it up quickly because she's being bullied so bad ignore her.

Oh look she must've been allergic to something we tried to get her to eat! Isn't that cute?!

She's also fat so why is she so picky with her food? She wasn't to gain the weight!

*the crowd pisses themselves laughing*

I don't have to be like you and you don't have to be like me.. That is okay you know?

God didn't make us all to be carbon copies of each other, He's not boring He doesn't like making the same thing twice..

It bugs me that I didn't even get considered to help pick my deceased mother's birthday cake, both of us hated red velvet..

But I should be thankful right?

We should all just have a laugh at the poor girl who's now a legit orphan and feel better when we go to sleep tonight because we've done our good deed of the day.

Jesus would be proud..

God, I wish my mom were here..

But thankfully for you all she isn't or else you would've got an ear full.

Thankfully she isn't here to tell you all you're jerks and shouldn't treat anyone like this - not even an enemy.

This is gross behaviour from grown assed adults.

Be thankful I don't say anything, be thankful I forgive you.

But don't take advantage of my love for God, even He tells you not to be around people like that.

Be thankful my Mom's not here to get upset but it's sad that there's not even a fear of God from "Christian" people or they wouldn't have acted like that.

You think my mom was bad, wait until my Father gets home.

And that's actually terrifying to be honest.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you

Please God don't let them do this to someone else.

~Jenni

[inkoherentbabeler]

Hello everyone who will read this,

It's ya boy, the bloke who swears they will write but didn't because there is no music for the vibe I'm feeling. I've been wanting to write- or do a text rp- about something scifi like Battletech but in a much smaller scope. I am going fucking insane because I haven't been able to leave the house properly for a whole week now. I'm going stir crazy and I can't help it! I can't go anywhere because I don't have any sidewalks around my house, which is the only downside to living in the woods. I didn't take pictures of what I made this week or last because of this damn insanity and I hate it! I hate it, hate it, hate it!! I've gone back to sitting in a cool position and tossing a baseball up in the air to calm my insanity! I don't want to be sitting all day, but I can't do shit until people actually respond about job applications!

Also the lemon pecan salmon was amazing! I squeezed a lemon on top of it and put it on some white rice! On the side I put some roasted green beans and soy sauce! I'm sorry for yelling so much. By the gods, this insanity is getting to me. I'm going out later today to try a local food truck outside of a Lowes, and it sounds amazing so far. I might make a post after I get lunch to share it, just to make up for my past failures to get pictures of food.

A NEW THING HAS HAPPENED AS WELL! My little brother is getting into dnd and has finally accepted to watch things I recommend. He is watching ATLA, not the live actions, and he is watching Vinland Saga with me! He started this by watching Delicious in Dungeon and I just sat down to watch with him, thus started our new Thursday tradition of watching a show together and our Friday tradition of watching a movie together! He's getting into dnd because he all of a sudden has begun wanting dice and I asked him if he had any friends he'd want to play with where I could be a GM for them, and low and behold when he asked one of his friends he was invited to a club in his school for it! I'm helping him get prepped for it! He decided to be a half wood elf, after I described to him the ancestries of dnd. He thought that was the one to pick because all the other ancestries were too strange to him or they were simply elves, which are too long lived for him. After him and I talking about what sort of class he'd want to play, he decided on being a ranger. After going through the subclasses- because this club is in the middle of a campaign- he decided on fey wanderer because he enjoys a bit of trickery.

Long story short, because I need to get up and do something in a few minutes. He decided to be a story teller of sorts, but he has the problem of not thinking he can write stories or think of them. He's perfectly capable of it, because I've had full conversations with him about making up stories. I agreed to help him with it by writing stories for him to use, BUT I have amazing tactical genius! I plan to do this similarly to how one would ween someone would ween someone off of drugs! I plan to try to get him to write a few stories after seeing a few things from me and slowly get him to write his own stories!

But that is where I have to stop for today! I love talking as always, but I've sort of come to a point in my growth where I don't cringe at much anymore. That means I don't cringe at myself, but that doesn't stop me from fearing things. I am sort of gazing back while I can't do anything, and I like how I've grown. I hope whoever reads this likes themselves too. I just got a piece of bubble gum and it tastes sweet just like this moment in life. I wish any of you still reading have a good day!

Yours Truly,

Michael

[alizeh-tu-badi-mushkil-hai]

Hi, beautiful people! Let's talk about something I've been feeling lately.

I haven't been feeling great for months, and this constant feeling of despair has almost destroyed many beautiful things within me and the people around me. I truly believe in the idea that hurt people hurt people.

There are days when I feel like I'm always a good friend to everyone during their difficult times. But when it comes to me, I always seem to be at the bottom of their priority list. This really made me question the love I had for them. I'm going through a phase where my life has been turned upside down. Just like everyone else, I also wanted someone to hug me and be there for me emotionally and physically. My needs felt like they were extraordinary, so I started pushing them aside and convinced myself that I'm okay with being alone again.

As a result, I've had significant fights with my friends and loved ones. That's what adulting does to you—the inconsistency of love and support from people can drive you crazy. It's been one of the major triggers in my life. Lately, this adulting has reduced me to tears on the floor. Growing up, paying bills, going to college, dealing with family, fitting into this messed-up generation of traumatized adults, and constantly contemplating career changes—it's not easy.

And yes, I did feel lonely. I felt like the ten-year-old me, crying in the school parking lot, wondering why I didn't have any friends. I felt inadequate once again, believing that my needs were too much. I also felt that love wasn't fixing me or making me a better person. It brought back so many flashbacks.

It's not that I don't have friends and people around me, but we're all caught up in our own adulting struggles, making it hard to find time for each other. And here I am, not knowing whom to blame—adulting, the people I love, or myself.

While experiencing all these emotions, I realized how empty I felt every single day, like an empty can in the dustbin. An empty vessel makes the loudest noise, yet people were fooled by my noise, thinking that I was the happiest and doing great in my life. But the truth is, I wasn't doing well emotionally and physically. With my deteriorating health, my body and mind felt like they were on battery saver mode.

I did everything I could to conceal my sadness and loneliness. I turned to drinking, painted my face, dressed up, and slept as much as I could, avoiding sitting with these unfamiliar emotions or crying myself to sleep.

It's strange that as a grown-ass adult, I can go on stage, pick up a microphone, and talk confidently, but I can't sit with my own feelings and be gentle with myself. These days, I couldn't even recognize what I was feeling, and speaking about it or sharing it with someone felt like an impossible task. Every day felt like a battlefield where I was constantly failing, and I labeled myself a fucking loser. The eternal shame of not doing well in my life pinches me so much that I still don't know how to overcome it. There were moments when I wanted to give up on my life because I wasn't excelling in my career, academics, poetry, open mic shows, or work. It brought me to an existential crisis on another level.

But something really helped me these days to cope up, and I really want to appreciate those beautiful people in my life. We don't know each other much; we are just online friends. But Shrawani used to always check on me every single day, even though she had no solutions for my problem. I have never met her, but the way she is sweet and gentle with her words makes me feel really good about myself.

My online friend has been there on nights where I felt like everything was falling apart and I was ready to give up. She believed in me when no one else did. That day, my college random DM made me feel that I have a purpose, and that purpose was to write more and more. It wasn't just an ordinary DM I received that day; it felt like a warm hug from someone who barely even knows me. She is just my college senior and nothing more, but I really appreciate her kind words.A few days back, I remember crying myself to sleep and feeling like I didn't want to wake up the next day and go for an exam. But one of my small business friend made a crochet item for me and sent it along with a heartfelt note. I didn't even remember ordering from her small business, but she also wrote the warmest note for me, emphasizing how my words have the power to move people and provide comfort.On the day I had a minor accident on the bus and experienced intense arm pain, one of my anonymous friend @mastmalangs-blog empathized with my situation and sent me virtual hugs.

It's always these random sweet gestures that fill my empty jar on my bad days. When I am in pain, I tend to push people away, but bestfriend was the one who held onto me. She didn't let me believe in the thought I always had, that "people always leave when you're hard to love during your bad days." She loved me during the most terrible days of my life, even though I spewed a lot of hate from my mouth like a venomous snake. She made me believe in the thought that "even though life gives me two choices, to either leave you or love you, I chose to love you." We both know that we don't love each other completely, and we don't hate each other completely. But at the end of the day, we both choose to love each other no matter what."

Yes, I don't know if I'm completely okay today, but I am slowly getting there. I'm learning to be gentle with myself, love myself more, and be kind to others even on my bad days. I've realized the importance of not harboring hate towards others and instead asking for help when needed. We never know when our needs will be fulfilled.

[buginateacup]

9, 14, 18, 37 for the ask meme!

ooh Dal I hope you're ready for this...

Which fic has been the hardest to write?

Tea with Topsy. Hands down. I have others I struggled with for longer, but Topsy had a schedule and I would spend hours just trying to think through the hows and whys and who's doing whats of that fic so I could keep it straight in my head (unlike Megamind and Roxanne, wahey!) while trying to post regularly and not fuck myself by having something happen and accidentally cut a chunk of story because of it.

What’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever come across?

Cut everything that doesn't advance the plot.

Seriously WHY would you say that? Maybe this is because I'm primarily a fanfic writer but what the fuck? Half the time the plot is the LEAST interesting thing about a story! Because here's the secret. Unless your characters are on a QUEST, they don't know there is a plot. They are just trying to live their lives and thinking about what comes in two days, two weeks, two months. When the plot arrives it is a Disruption! And if you don't let your characters react or crash and burn or give them enough time to actually show WHY they are people who make bad or selfish or pointless decisions, you wind up with a very boring story or characters acting OOC just to move the plot along and I swear this is where half the "If I was X character I would simply not make X decision" comments. You need to give your story time to BREATHE.

Your characters do not know they are in a story. They are not going to think like a reader and as a writer you need to give them follow through so they are not little puppets getting pushed around a stage. It's like punching someone, you don't aim for their nose, you aim two inches past it.

Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines?

I use dot points. Usually when I realise I've written myself into a corner and have to figure out how to get out again. I have also been known to rough draft plot points a la gossip style story telling (hi Rings!) but that happens less than you'd think. I am not good at planning, but I like making sure I set something up before I knock it down so my brain and I mostly agree to disagree.

Talk about your current wips.

I...all of them? Ohhkay oh fuck alright I can do this. There are six open on my laptop right now. I'm gonna start with them.

Lindworm: You know the story of the lindworm? Woman wants a baby, fucks up the instructions, has a perfect child and also a dragon. And oops they're all grown up now and dragon wants a bride? (Or possibly a snack. He's kind of into eating people). But the bride wears numerous dresses and convinces the lindworm he can eat her if he takes off a skin for each dress she removes and by the time they're down to the last she washes him with milk and lye and wraps him in her arms and breaks the curse and he becomes a man again?

Yeah we're doing that with Megamind. Also there may be an AU I'm leaving a trapdoor for myself with where Roxanne fucks Dragon!mind after a few sheds. Haven't decided yet. Should I?

Consolation prize: I don't remember why I called it tha- oh wait yes I do. This is a gift fic I've been poking away at with a prompt for really inhuman Megamind being the one to rescue Roxanne and show why he's the big boss in town and he's ashamed he's not human enough but she embraces him anyway and they're incredibly tender with one another.

And...look. You know me. I don't really do easy comfort. There's something about trauma that makes me go "You cannot pivot straight into comforting someone while you're in the middle of a perfectly reasonable panic attack of your own. You gotta let your characters breathe and cry for a bit before they can have emotionally healthy conversations. But I'm trying! And everyone's probably going to be in shock anyway so we'll let that carry the emotional baggage. Also it is very tender in a let me wash the blood off your face kind of way. I should actually have it finished soon which is exciting.

Tea with Topsy (part 2): Not actually part 2 I just got sick of scrolling every time I opened it so I put all the published stuff into another document. It's technically on hiatus still but I'm finding it a lot more pleasant to work on when I'm not trying to keep to a schedule. There's lots of smut coming, some Megamind being threatening, and some Roxanne being sneaky (if we're lucky they might even say "I love you" this year) and Minion being best henchfish to ever hench. Plus plot! And emotional breakdowns! And more strawberry icecream!

Oil and Water: Okay that one's just smut. I'm aiming for 1000 words per chapter for the next couple of chapters and its really just Megamind and Roxanne exhibition hours and an idea I've had FOREVER about them getting busted. But they're having fun and that's what's important. (poor Warden better hope he never finds out what happened in his office).

Party Dress: Okay so! Did you know whatever Megamind fic goes up next on AO3 is going to be my 50th? Because that was a shock! And what is being human for except to ascribe random numbers pointless meaning, so I had to make it something special. I toyed with the idea of getting Paperwork Polycule or Blue Ruin started but they still need more work than I have the brain for so instead I decided it was time I actually finished the very first piece of Megamind fanfic I started!

It's a cute oneshot fairly early on where Megamind and Minion run into Roxanne who is avoiding the crowds at the Mayor's annual Christmas Party and they offer her a ride home. It was the first place I came up with a lot of fun/silly ideas that I'm sure people will be able to draw comparisons to other fics I've written when I post it.

Kittens: Roxanne discovers a box of abandoned kittens on her way to work and takes them home. Megamind appears, very annoyed she missed their appointment ("What appointment?" "The one where I kidnap you of course!" "Oh that. Pass" "Pass? What you can't just pass! This is a kidnapping!" "Sh! I'm busy.") And she shanghais him into watching them while she goes to get pet supplies.

There is purring.

As for the rest!

*deep breath* this part comes with musical accompaniment to set the mood

Blue Ruin - The 1920's Megamind is a mobster, Roxanne is a club singer AU.

A Cunning Disguise - Spy AU, Megamind and Roxanne are undercover as newlyweds trying to put a stop to...something (look its about the TENSION alright? What's important is how many times they have to kiss to throw someone off their trail)

Barley - aka 5 times Roxanne and Megamind wound up playing schoolyard games as he tried to kidnap her (chasey, hide and seek, dodgeball, nerf wars, the floor is lava etc)

Birthday Cakes - An Umbrella Academy fic where they find The Women's Weekly book of birthday cakes and insist they each finally deserve a proper one

Bluestocking - Working title, Regency AU where Roxanne is trying to keep her family estate and winds up married to Megamind for half historical scandal half revange reasons. They fall in love.

Catherine Wheel - Angst. Something goes wrong, Megamind gets injured, Roxanne yells her feelings, possibly everyone dies?

Chains - Megamind and Roxanne escape the Doom Syndicate and wind up in a safehouse that's really more of an abandoned garage for the night. Oh and they're handcuffed together.

Chicken - Megamind and Wayne team up to invite Roxanne to a threesome

Chunk! - Wayne punches Megamind and bends his ventral piercings. Roxanne has to but them out with a boltcutter. Edging for everyone!

Noone calls you Honey - TECHNICALLY complete but I have an idea for a later scene that involves Wayne fighting a speedster supervillain and Roxanne rescuing other damsels so its staying in the WIPs until I decide what to do with it.

Con Crunch - Roxanne sneaks into a Villain con, Megamind catches her and passes her off as his protege.

Dear Diary - The WIP title for Wait a Minute! Where Roxanne and Megamind are trapped in a time bubble for 30 days. Actual future chapters are drafted because I finally got the angsty one finished!

Dinner and Goodnight kisses - Actually cut from Topsy due to emotional damages. Roxanne asks Megamind to be her fake date for dinner, which he accepts. But she accidentally mistakes someone else for him instead. Cue betrayal, misery, and an apology dinner of takeaway thai food on her couch. And kisses.

Falling - Roxanne and Megamind have a ”one time thing” out of curisoity/boredom/horny. But it keeps happening. And so do feelings

Family dinner - Roxanne asks Megamind to be her date to her monthly family dinner with the horrible side of the family in the hopes she'll be banished.

Free on saturday? - 5 times Roxanne made Megamind be her fake date (and one time it wasn't fake at all) This one I borrowed some of my own family traditions and I will probably be a blubbery mess when I actually write the rest of it but its still tender right now since my Opa passed away.

Fly me to the moon - Once upon a time Nickel and I agreed to an exchange where she asked for Megamind and Roxanne meeting as adults. I had two ideas, one was Back of Beyond (which I'm delighted you enjoyed) and the other is this, Roxanne is a junior reporter kidnapped by a couple of of aliens and is being kept in their spaceship on the other side of the moon while they try to figure out how to ransom her for the fuel they need to get back to the rest of the galaxy. Also Wayne is a space cop. Mostly made of teeth. And Minion's robot body turns into a motorcycle.

Formal Wear - The continuation and the prequel of A Formal Affair, where Megamind and Roxanne start their little getaways and also Wayne finally gets the courage up to ask to be the wall they fuck against.

Gloves are off - There is a trend for hero and villain themed onlyfans. Roxanne gets asked to do a story on some of them and finds one account that does a really good Megamind impression. Like REALLY good.

Hadestown - A 13/Dhawan!Master Dr Who Hadestown AU where the Doctor is Persephone and the Master is Hades

Into Temptation - The next installment of the Crowded House collective. Its the night before a very big event and Roxanne asks Megamind to visit...(soft angst, smut and feels)

Intruder Window (my working titles are so I can save the doc, not because I know what I'm doing) - The Tapetum Lucidum series. I hope you're ready to get laid

Mentality Machine Misfire - Prequel to Rings. What did happen when Megamind and Roxanne wound up as Brain-bots?

Mer couture - The sequel to Haute Water. (I blame @kizzyanel) I'm waiting on the next Met Gala for more inspiration because at the moment its just Megamind and Minion pleasing Roxanne in the bath.

Mistress Roxanne - Megamind runs into Roxanne in a dungeon and finds out he has a hitherto undiscovered sub streak a mile wide. Sexy shenanigans ensue.

Nails - A Nails AU based on the short story from Round the Twist. There are mermaids.

Never drink alone - Wayne Megamind and Minion all get absolutely trashed on a particular cocktail at a Scott Family party (so much for that evil plan) a none to sober herself Roxanne has to wrangle them back to Wayne's room and keep them there till they all sober up. No one has a filter. Also truth or dare.

Noticeable - Pride and Prejudice AU - Mary asks Kitty for help to make her beautiful enough Mr Collins will ask her to marry him. Mostly about sisterly bonding.

Nowhere to run - Roxanne stumbles on Megamind right after he accidentally kills someone in self defense. She takes him home and cleans him up and keeps his secrets.

Operation Seduction - Wayne and Roxanne are fuckbuddies who team up to seduce Megamind.

Paperwork Polycule - Roxanne marries all her aliens to make sure they don't get deported. of course this means they have to live together for a year and oh dear what feelings are these? (Wayne and Minion have the most helpless crushes on each other).

Penelope - A Penelope/Colin Bridgerton story about Penelope writing a vicious takedown of herself as Whistledown and the fallout as the Bridgerton family comes to her defence.

Prime numbers - It's not even a real kiss! Just a kiss on the cheek because they were both laughing at the brainbot tangled in mistletoe. So why is Megamind running in a panic and who is Roxanne going to have to kill for making him feel like he's not even allowed such a small gesture of affection?

Roxanne is dead - (thrilling title I know) Except she's not, she's hiding in the Lair from everyone while the rest of the world THINKS she's dead. Megamind included. A lot of angst and slow feels

Same time next week - Megabyte and Dot don't intentionally make a habit of running into one another at Al's diner. But it keeps happening (will end in alley sex)

Selkie - Roxanne's greatest secret is her pelt. When her house is robbed and Megamind returns it to her, any number of strange things about her suddenly start to make sense. (Also there are whiskery seal kisses)

Six of Crows Bar and Restaurant - A slice of life AUabout the Six of crows but as restaurant workers

Speed Chess - A Queens Gambit oneshot about playing speedchess in the park

Table for Two - Sarcasm serves Megamind and Roxanne well when instead of the evil plan that was supposed to be happening, Minion has arranged...dinner?

Tattoo Roses - The flowershop/Tattoo parlour AU that I will have more than just slice of life scenes if I ever figure out how

The inherent evil of turtlenecks - Bernard is back and he is out for revange! Unfortunately Megamind has found his greatest weakness, advice on how to be a better supervillain. Homoeroticism and evil plans abound.

The Morning after - Roxanne and Megamind run into each other out of town and wind up spending the night together. What's going to come of this neither of them know.

Please Break Me Gently - Megamind collapses four steps into Roxanne's apartment after the Black Mamba fight. An adult retelling of what happens next with all the bruises left in.

The Vast of what comes after - A Vast of Night continuation of how and where Faye and Everett and Maddy come back.

Tofu - Megamind steals Roxanne's lunch one day and discovers tofu is an aphrodisiac to his species. Roxanne offers to help out

Toy Room - Megamind has a sex room built during his villainous days. Roxanne finds it. Fun times ensue.

Tryst in me - Sequel to "She's all out to get you" Wayne Megamind and roxanne have got a pretty good handle on how to run her city. But Roxanne really can't stop thinking about Megamind's hands. She decides to do something about it. (the something is Megamind)

Up n at em - Also technically finished but I have a sequel chapter about how they fell in love and how it was Roxanne and Minion first.

Voyager - Yes the one you used to write Embers to Ashes. the line "These are supposed to be gills!" still lives rent free in my head so its becoming a post movie angstfest at some point.

Waltz - Megamind finds Roxanne sneaking around at a party. The price for his silence? A dance.

Who bit my familiar? - A WWDITS story about Guillermo waking up a vampire.

You must be this tall to fire the giant laser - Megamind accidentally shrinks Roxanne down to 5 years old. Chaos ensues.

*falls over gasping* And there you have it! That music was in my head the ENTIRE time I was writing this out. (sometimes I really do have to wonder if I don't have some kind of ADHD)

Also thank you for making me tidy up my WIP folder, it actually shrank because I stuffed all the random bits and pieces and all those "An Idea" minifics the server pulls out of me into one document so yay! (I did not do those, that would have been another 20 odd)

[reinemichele]

Okay well um . I started writing this post and it started to get too long and go off topic so I'm going to put the more relevant info in this post and then finish typing the other post tomorrow probably and you can read that for more hashtag erin lore

Tw for discussion of animal death/illness, cancer, and (unintentional) disordered eating; no one is obligated to read this. It'll also probably get pretty long. Again, don't feel like you need to read this if these are upsetting topics for you

Uhhh how do I start this . Um, it's been a bad week. I don't think I've had a worse new years; even when my dad died it had been earlier in the year so we were more numb to the fact he wasn't there.

For the first few days I couldn't eat anything more than toast or crackers and I'd start crying when I tried to eat. I don't really know what the physiological connection is there, but I have to assume there is one. I was having to take my PRN anxiety meds multiple times a day because I was getting so upset I'd get nauseous and feel like I couldn't breathe.

I'm doing better now; today's the first day I felt like I wanted to eat willingly and not out of obligation, I haven't cried yet, and I haven't needed my anxiety meds.

But the day after my cat died, we found a tumor on my dog's stomach. It sounds like I'm making this up for attention on the internet, but it wasn't there before this day. Cosmic irony, god's ire, greek tragedy, etc etc.

My dog is 15, so all of us are against any surgery or chemotherapy, even if we could afford it. My mom works in hospice, so just take my word for it when I say all of us know how much pain and suffering and loss of quality of life that (invasive) surgery and chemotherapy causes for people.

So we just spent the day trying to keep her as comfortable as possible. We rearranged pillows and blankets, helped her move, tried offering her Literally every piece of food that was safe for dogs that we have (cat food, dog food, chicken, roast beef, turkey, ham, cheese, etc), sat down towels when she refused to go potty outside.

I made the decision to not talk about this on here for several reasons. I didn't want to contribute to people feeling sad or guilty over NYE, when there's already so many sources of despair and disillusionment in the world. I didn't want to receive pity; something I've hated feeling since my dad died when I was little. I didn't want empty platitudes of toxic positivity insisting that things would turn around and good things will start happening to me, and I didn't want to be the asshole who wasn't grateful for those empty platitudes. Most of all, I didn't want people to change how they treat/interact with me because they knew. I didn't want to be treated like I'm fragile or need special treatment. (If it needs saying, I still don't want to be treated like that.) I wanted to cry in my bedroom, and then reblog silly posts like nothing was wrong.

It's been a few days since the 30th, obviously. She's having less trouble walking, wags her tail when she sees us again, after a few (absolutely heartbreaking) days of not moving her tail at all. Her appetite is slowly coming back, she ate a little tuna and cat food.

But... the tumor has grown already, in just these few days, and she keeps licking at it, so it's sore and raw. My mom and brother don't want to put her to sleep because she's been improving. I obviously do not want to lose her; she's my baby and my sister and my mother all in one. She was the first pet we got that I picked out. When I leave the bathroom door open, she sits with her back facing the bathroom, guarding me.

But I don't want her to suffer. I don't want this to get worse. I want her to be able to go out with dignity and some quality of life. I don't want her to not have any quality of life left by the time we decide to stop being selfish and let her go.

Two of my friends sent me some money to help cover the cost of putting her to sleep. It was very very kind, and I can't put into words how much I'm grateful for my friends for every act of kindness and love they do for me.

I don't really know how to end this, because I still don't know what we're going to do. I know what I want to do, but it's not solely my decision and I want to respect my mom and brother's feelings. I just know that holding all this in and not talking about it was starting to be... Not Good, as much as I did want to just Be Another Random Guy on tumblr, being annoying about my hyperfixations.

If you've read any or all of this, thank you. Please don't treat me differently because of any of this, and let me post my silly little things like nothing's wrong. That's what's helped me keep it together.

Oh, and it's my birthday on the 10th. I don't want to get into it now (my birthday woes can be its own separate erin lore post too), but every year something bad happens around my birthday, so this is this year's Incident. The only socially acceptable thing I can think to say is a sarcastic yayyyyy consistency <3333.

[blackbird-brewster]

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

🌿how does creating make you feel?

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

Thanks for the ask!!! <3

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

Probably all of my early works tbrh. But I've decided to leave them be because AO3 is an archive not only for the main purpose of fandom creations, but also it acts as a sort of time capsule for authors who have been writing for a long time -- meaning, when I read my old works I get to see how far I've come as an author and that's really important to preserve. Although I would love to re-write some older stuff, I'm not going to because to me, preserving that writing in it's original form is really important to serve as a reminder of my progress as a writer.

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

Oh godddddddddddddddd, You KNOW I'm gonna talk about [Between You and Me]. When I wrote the original one-shot, I decided to play around with flashbacks used to progress the narrative and build tension. It worked really well and I truly adored that formatting, but THEN I decided to expand this one-shot into what would become my 3rd longest fic to date. And in doing so, I chose to stick with the flashback format in every chapter. It was INCREIDIBLY TEDIOUS to plan the chapters with multiple timelines and threads that wove the story together. Thank goodness for you and Doom Them for always listening to me scream about how frustrating it was to plan that fic, especially since both JJ and Tara kept having other ideas about where the story was going. This is one of my FAVE things I've ever written and I think it's a damn shame more people aren't shipping JJ/Tara because 1) they're an amazing ship 2) y'all are missing out on this fic which is honestly fucking amazing.

🌿how does creating make you feel?

As an ADHD/Autistic who struggles with self-worth and tons of mental health shit -- creating feels AMAZING. I felt really lost the last couple of years, because it's the first time since I was 15 that I haven't had a job. I was fired from my dream career unexpectedly at the end of 2020 and I felt so aimless/worthless for the following couple of years. Then one day last July, I opened a new document and started writing again. I was terrified to try to do something I'd been completely unable to engage with in nearly seven years, but I wrote anyway. And like I said in the first reply, my first couple of fics after coming back are a bit rough around the edges and now when I read them, I can see how much I've grown even in the nine months since I started posting again. I'm extremely lucky to be able to write full-time now. I wake up, have breakfast, do my morning routine, then sit down at my desk and write all day. It's very much my 'job' now and when my routine gets interrupted, or I'm having a bad chronic pain day, or I can't write for whatever reason -- I get SO restless, cranky and irritable. Writing brings me endless joy, I love what I do for a living and I am just so grateful to be able to focus on my special interest full-time. I love how many amazing friends I've met over the past nine months, you all have brightened my life even further and I am forever in awe of all of you.

🎉how often do you celebrate completing & posting a work? how often do you give yourself the credit/validation that you seek from others when you post? (if you don't, you should!)

Oh goodness, celebrate is not the term I would use. For sure there is usually a bit of a proud moment when I look at a complete fic and get to move it out of my 'WIP' tag in Evernote, but I always end up getting what I call 'completion crash'. For the few days after finishing a long fic, I usually have no motivation to write and I feel really lost and sort of go through a mini-grieving process because I've gotten to know the characters and I've been so wrapped up in their heads for weeks or months at a time, it's difficult to say goodbye to them. In terms of being able to give myself credit and validation for doing incredible things...I'm still working on that bit.

[Send Fic Writer Asks]

[jjamboard]

WARNING: LONG POST, using Tumblr as a diary, mentions of HRT, dysphoria, suicidal thoughts, dead dove etc

I can't believe that I've already been on T for 8 months! For context, I take 2 pumps of T gel daily, and it's been going really well according to my blood tests.

Looking back, it's like I was barely even a person before. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, couldn't speak out loud to anyone without feeling insecure, etc etc. I didn't go anywhere or do anything, barely even spoke to my friends, just had no motivation to exist at all. I feel like I spent years of my life walking around in a haze, analysing every single facet of my appearance and personality and voice and hobbies,, and now I just don't? I treat myself better, I eat better, sleep better, I even process my emotions better.

For me, taking Testosterone hasn't really been about gender euphoria (even though there have definitely been some big moments here and there), but instead about a lack of dysphoria. I feel so comfortable in myself and the way I am seen. There are of course still things that bother me and things I hope to change in the future (looking at you, big naturals!), but the level of confidence and self assurance has been literally life-changing. I don't even think about if a guy would do this or if I sound girly or whatever, I'm just some dude living his life and nobody can say or do anything to change that. I feel normal.

I'm very lucky in that I got a lot of the easily noticeable physical changes quite early, it only took a week for my voice to start lowering, and I got the beginnings of a wispy stasche within a month or so. It hasn't grown much since, but what I have is visible enough that other people take notice and treat me accordingly. Other changes like body hair have been good, though they won't be getting shown off any time soon. Though it's too late for me to get any taller, my other transition goals are being met very well and I have no regrets.

For me, the payoff of starting T was instant! I haven't been misgendered by a stranger in public in about half a year now, not even by confused elderly people, and even medical professionals have been taking me seriously and using the right name and pronouns. It's also nice to not be mistaken for a 12yo Most of the time, though my height doesn't help with that.

And the mental changes too! While the external validation from strangers is good, really good, the way I think about myself is SO much more important. It's like a switch was flipped from the moment I took that first dose. Even when I do experience dysphoria, it's like it can't reach me the same way it could before- it throws me off guard for a second, then I move on. No more agonising over interactions or fearing what people might say or do. Instead of weeks or months spent paralysed by my own negative thoughts, it's a minute or two before I talk myself up again and start feeling better. And when something does bother me, I'm reminded that most guys feel insecure about their facial hair or their height sometimes, and it suddenly feels less like me being an outsider and more like participating in the aspects of puberty I missed out on the first time. It almost feels good to get insecure, like "I'm thinking about normal manly things!" Performative masculinity aside, the amount of free time I have now I'm far less preoccupied with myself is astounding.

A Disclaimer: I know that HRT isn't necessary for being trans, and that many people can't take it for many reasons, and that some don't even want to. I am not invalidating those people's experiences, but for me personally I can say without a doubt that it has been the best and most important step in my transitioning. No amount of positive thinking or talk therapy or external validation from friends and loved ones or Tumblr posts calling me 'valid' made me feel any better about myself deep down. Honestly, I didn't expect T to do that either- but it has. I don't want to discourage those who aren't in a position to take HRT by saying this, everyone is different and transition goals are different for everyone, this is just my own personal experience. I was severely actively suicidal as a teen before starting HRT, and it was only when I gained the financial means to begin the process that this started to improve. I couldn't see a future for myself as anything other than a man, and I couldn't see myself ever growing into a body or life I could tolerate without medical intervention. Actually beginning hormone therapy was the turning point when I stopped enduring life and started actually living it.

I can't help but feel a little bitter that I never got to have this growing up, but I'm still so grateful that I get to have it now. Even so, I wish I could grab that lil guy and just shake him and shout "IT WILL GET BETTER! I PROMISE!", Because even a year ago I could hardly see myself tolerating who I was, let alone being genuinely comfortable and happy with where I am at this point in my life. But I am. I can confidently say that I haven't been this happy since I was 6. I struggled so much as a teen and before that I had incredibly low self esteem as a kid. After coming to terms with my identity I knew why, but it never really went away. Socially transitioning was a great step for me, but HRT has been something so private and intimate. It's like finally getting that one toy that everyone else had as a kid years later, and realising that it's just as cool as you pictured it.

While I'll always mourn those years I lost to my own confused self hatred, now I get to meet myself all over again, and the more I reveal of myself, the more I like the man hidden underneath.