#also i’m so used to sleeping with my dog right next to me i hate not having him with me

[willowfey]

travelling while autistic is so hard. i love exploring places but hate sleeping anywhere that isn’t my room. the temperature is wrong the textures are wrong the shape of the bathroom mirror is wrong the window placement is wrong the bed firmness is wrong the air tastes weird other people’s water glasses are evil the low current ambient buzz is the wrong frequency and i was only able to bring one plushie. i am being so brave about this in my pursuit to nurture my wandering spirit.

[bunnivez]

Modern! Zoya…

Her first job was as a tattoo artist. Most of her costumers were women, they would specifically ask for her to do their tattoos; both because of her amazing work and the other… to get a close look at her. Whats better? Zoya is aware of the many women she is pulling (๑>؂•̀๑)

Imagine you two meet randomly bumping against each other and turns out you work at the shop right next to the one she works at!

Or you got recomendad by your friend to go to a certain shop to get your tattoo done, telling you to specifically ask for a woman named Zoya since her work is more professional and she is more trusted to give you great results.

She used to live in an apartment until she got a husky… I mean she it wasn’t like she couldn’t afford an average house but damn, she now has to pay more…

Has a love-hate relationship with her dog TRUST. Often complains of their sudden howling and the amount of hair they shed.

“It’s 1:30AM why the fuck are you howling like that!? You sound like you’re dying!” “Oh my f… You know i’m tempted in leaving you bald so I don’t have to deal with having your hair on the couch.”

At the same time however, they are also her best buddy and friend. There are times where she even lets them sleep with her on bed… For at least an hour before Zoya falls asleep and accidentally pushes s them off the bed in the middle of the night.

Yes she is a messy sleeper, god knows how the heck she ends up with on leg on the headboard and the other hanging on the bed. She snores like a dad…

Like even her huskey got scared for a second and kept barking until she woke up.

Listen, when going out she has this whole badass outfit, rings on her fingers, chains, unbuttoned blouse, a whole ass fit that screams “DADDY”

And then there are times where she just pulls up to the grocery store with an “Idgaf” outfit… Yet somehow she still looks hot. Jorts, a black baggy shirt, socks with the damn sandals or crocs combo (ಠ_ಠ)

Has a tongue piercing and you cannot tell me otherwise. If not, it is definitely her nipples.

Dark or alcohol filled chocolates girly. She isn’t a fan of overly sweet stuff.

Once choked on boba balls.

Honestly she can be romantic at times. She takes you to dates often— if not she plans something you two can do at home. Like cook, watch movies, play games or something.

Motorcycle rides with her are very common, more so with the fact that she doesn’t really own a car… Which she did confess that she may or may not be the best at driving.

Who knows how the heck she managed to stay alive with the many incidents she’s had while driving.. I guess she’s immortal.

Has an electric guitar, she posts videos on TikTok playing it and they get pretty high views! Like 406.1k views or something.

Her reposts mainly contain of two things; brain rots, lesbian.

Takes the most silly pictures of you and posts them on her story.

Source ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

HAHAHSGSBSGAVAWHABE, IMAGINE HER LAYING DOWN WHILE YOU SIT ON TOP OF HER TO DO HER MAKEUP.

Holds you like a stuffed animal when sleeping. It’s actually so cute but it’s kinda hard to break free from her hold.

YOU GUYS PLAY ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, AND WHOEVER LOSES IS IN CHARGE OF COOKING.

Her cooking is actually pretty damn good! I feel like she is especially a specialist when it comes to cooking meat.

If you are too shy to order your food whenever you two are out, or pay, DO NOT WORRY, SHE LITERALLY IS YOUR SAVIOR, NO KIDDING. This woman gives no fucks at all, too shy to order? She’ll do it, hot your order wrong? She’ll go up and tell them.

Have I mentioned she gets up at 5AM just to do pushups?…

The type to randomly smack or grab your ass, she doesn’t care about the size.

I don’t recommend watching romance movies with her… she will cringe at any kissing scenes acting like she wouldn’t or doesn’t do that with you 24/7.

Not the best at dancing… Girl is STIFF.

I have the feeling she is the type to not admit that she is in pain during her period. She will act all tough and all until she can’t anymore.

(We need more comforting the ptn women on their period instead of the other way around, they also need comfort 😔)

Oh yeah did I also mention she was close to breaking your phone once? It all happened when you were scrolling through TikTok and saw a thirst trap (*cough* Rhea Ripley *cough*) and when I tell you grabbed your phone and threw it… IT HAPPENED.

Says she hates kids but has a soft spot for them actually. They remind her of Horo when she was wayyy younger.

Randomly sends you weird TikToks…. Like it’s so random and she says nothing about it.

She isn’t a fan of dresses, but she once tried it for you and it was a sight. It hugged her curves right and she kept flexing her muscles. If you take any pictures she seriously will kill you. (Especially if you send them to her friends).

If you are out she WILL text and call you every 36 minutes if she can’t come with you. And if she is too busy to pick you up she will face time you on your way home.

Has like so many posters of her favorite bands, korn, kiss, Deftones, ect.

Randomly gives you kisses when you least expect it. They are so random, you could be distracted and she will kiss your cheek, or your forehead, or the top of your head.

If she sees anyone eyeing you while in public she will pull you close and give the person a nasty look.

[katyawriteswhump]

I hear your voice (and it carries me)

for @steddieangstyaugust day 17 prompt: 'Keep breathing, please."

Rating: M WC: 1700 CW Drug-use Tags: Established steddie, alternate canon season 4 (with details fudged and twisted for my own plotty purposes.)

What if Vecna came for Steve first, not Chrissy? (No actual death, I promise, just guilty-pleasure pop and major angst…)

...

Eddie climbed through the window that Dustin had left open and into Steve’s hospital room. His boots smacked too loud on the floor, and his every muscle tightened.

Steve was wired up to a series of bleeping machines. Plaster casts smothered three of his limbs. His neck was in a brace, and his face was half-lost beneath an oxygen mask.

Eddie knew, of course. Steve had arrived here in a far worse state than this. 

Still one helluva punch in the gut.

He tiptoed to the bed and located Steve’s Walkman, which had been dumped on a trolley. He slipped it back over Steve’s ears, careful not to disturb the mask. Dustin and Robin had played a showstopper in convincing Steve’s mom that Steve would want constant pop. 

Unfortunately, the medical staff kept taking the darn thing off.

Eddie didn’t switch the cassette on right away, however. He anxiously smoothed Steve’s hair.

“God, I’m sorry,” he said brokenly. “I panicked, Stevie. I was too fucking scared. I should’ve broken your fall, and I should never have let you… I… I shouldn’t have…” He pressed his lips to Steve’s cool, clammy brow. A fat tear dripped from his nose. “Keep breathing, Baby. Keep breathing, please.”

“CODE RED, I REPEAT THIS IS A CODE RED! EDDIE, DO YOU COPY?” 

Dustin’s yell blasted through Eddie’s walkie-talkie. Eddie scrambled to turn the volume down.

“Henderson, what the heck?”

“Eddie, the night nurse has started her rounds early. I repeat—she’s started her rounds early. You gotta get outta there NOW.”

…

One week earlier

Steve lay flat on his back on Eddie’s bed, shirtless, and with his jeans tangled round his knees. Eddie was sprawled on top of him—a smokin’ hot mess of sweat and hair—and kissing Steve stupid.

Steve should’ve been in a happy place. He was sucking Eddie’s face off, grinding himself up into Eddie, while Eddie pawed hungrily at his ass. Eddie wanted in, and Steve wanted nothing more than for Eddie to bone his brains out.

If only he could shake these stupid jitters.

Christ, the blood pounding in his ears drowned out the mega-loud Aerosmith track on his latest mixtape. He was also dog-tired, and sick of it. The nightmares had ruined his sleep for days.

And they were all total bull.

Yeah, Steve felt guilty about shit. Not only about Barb, though that was a biggie—there was so much he’d screwed up in his life. He sucked. He got it, blah, blah, blah.

No way was he buying into crazy hallucinations where Eddie yelled and hated on him. Let alone ones where Robin transformed into a squelchy tentacle monster. He was going out of his tiny mind. It was the only reasonable explanation, and the only answer right now was…

Eddie broke the kiss. “You okay, Babe? Still got a headache?”

“I’m fine.” Steve dabbed his lips, shivering because Eddie was too far away already. “I’ll be fine. Gimme more of the good stuff, okay?”

Eddie turned down the music. “Seriously? You mainlined poppers earlier—enough to lay low a daddy buffalo. That shit means business.”

“So I do. Stop being a freakin’ pussy.” Steve wedged his hand between Eddie’s thighs and purred. “I can totally handle it, and if I do turn to mush? Means I can take even more of this big boy.”

“I’m not sure, Stevie… Oh shiiiit.” 

Steve mercilessly squeezed Eddie’s dick, batted his lashes. Yeah, he’d beg if he had to. Anything to feel less tense and haunted, to feel he was actually in the room with Eddie. 

He never had to.

Eddie pulled a dopey face, started rummaging through his stuff. Steve dragged his jeans up with fumbling hands. He maxed out the stereo volume—snickering because Eddie was gonna literally piss himself when the track-after-next started—and wandered toward the kitchen to get more beer.

….

Eddie located a shoebox full of snazzy lil’ multicolor poppers and a sachet of Special K. Then his frazzled brain caught up with him.

He’s already had waaay too much. Okay, he’s still revved as fuck, but THAT’S NOT NORMAL.

He ditched the shoebox, grabbed a jar of Acetaminophen. After tipping all but two pills out, he peeled off the label. He’d tell Steve they were hardcore tranqs. Shifty, but… Screw it, he cared about Steve more than he’d ever cared about anyone. Yeah, Steve had bugged him for downers. Eddie should never have caved. He vowed, one way or another, he’d wean his boy off ’em.

He was, admittedly, launching his campaign the coward’s way. Had to start somewhere, right?

“There you go, Honey,” he said, wandering out. “Boneless bliss just moments away.”

Eddie stopped in his tracks. He dropped the jar. Steve stood motionless in the middle of the trailer. His eyes were lidded, twitchy with the occasional flash of white.

“Steve?” Eddie dashed forward, started shaking him. “Talk to me, Steve. Wake up! Can you hear me? I don’t like this, Stevie.”

Shit! He’s ODd already!

Eddie jostled him, pleaded with him. Right till the moment Steve levitated up into the air and smacked into the ceiling.

Eddie staggered back. The Black Sabbath track blasting from the stereo ended. Silence reigned.

One of Steve’s arms twisted the wrong way at the elbow and popped. Eddie screamed, then actually pinched himself, because this had to be a horrible dream, and then…

‘Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?

Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth’

Belinda Carlilse. Belinda fucking Carlilse. Yeah, Steve loved to sneak pop-tastic hits onto his mixtapes. Eddie would always crack up, plus he didn’t hate them either.

One of Steve’s legs contorted with a sickening snap.

‘They say in Heaven, love comes first

We'll make Heaven a place on Earth…’

Steve’s eyes flashed from white to brown. He fell, landing with a horribly crunching smack.

In the blur of the next few minutes, Eddie called an ambulance. He leaned close over Steve’s blue-ish lips, sensed the faintest warmth, though didn’t dare touch him. His eyes bled. He looked so… broken. Eddie prayed to some WASP deity he’d never believed in that he was the one having a really bad trip.

He went with Steve in the ambulance and held his limp hand on the ride. They’d already got that mask on his face, the brace around his neck. At the hospital, Eddie watched Steve’s gurney disappear through swinging doors. He collapsed in the waiting room, buried his face in his hands.

Steve’s parents arrived soon after. They joined the doctors in bombarding Eddie with thunderous glares, until the truth finally glimmered.

They believe I did that to him.

Even if… WHEN… Steve wakes up, they’ll say we were both high as fucking kites. They’ll blame the satan-worshipping freakshow.

Convinced the cops were on their way, Eddie fled via a fire escape. While he was holed up at Reefer Ric’s, two teens were murdered. The whole town now believed Eddie was the monster behind those crimes, too.

“Way to go making a play for the FBI’s Most Wanted list,” Dustin said, when he brought Eddie supplies. “If you hadn’t run, those deaths would’ve got you off the hook. Not that you’re exactly innocent. You know your fun-time sweeties repressed Steve’s breathing as badly as the neck injuries? Sent him into that coma?”

“Wow, you’re a real genius! Never dawned on me. Oh, hold on. IT’LL TORTURE ME EVERY GODDAMN MOMENT, OF EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY, FOR THE REST OF MY CURSED LIFE.”

At least the kid had a theory about the attacks, supernatural sorcery shit that blew Eddie’s mind. Also, one of Dustin’s friends, Max, was apparently lined up to be the next victim. For some wild reason, the only thing keeping the killer at bay was endless Kate Bush.

“Eddie,” asked Dustin, while Eddie stared into a box of Cap’n Crunch he’d literally no appetite for. “Is there any music you reckon might help Steve?”

…

‘In this world we're just beginnin'

To understand the miracle of livin'’

Steve was beyond sick of Belinda.

She ebbed and flowed through his consciousness pretty much constantly. Trouble was, whenever she was randomly gone, as she was now, the swirling red fog around him thickened. He was confused, and yeah, he was frightened. He’d not heard any squelching footsteps or booming synth voices lately, but he sensed that thing was still out there.

He occasionally heard talking. People poked and prodded him, and breathing was sometimes a scary battle. He tried to talk himself once or twice, but he couldn’t even open his eyes. He was lost and sick and hurting and… so lost.

Right until he felt somebody stroking his hair. Then a moist feather-soft brush on his brow. 

Eddie.

He’d recognise Eddie’s kiss anywhere, whether rough or dumbass levels of sweet. Eddie was here. Eddie was with him. Steve strove harder than ever to fight free of the choking fog.

“Keep breathing, Baby.”

Eddie’s voice. Broken and distant, but it was him.

“Keep breathing,” Eddie whispered, “please.”

“CODE RED, I REPEAT THIS IS A CODE RED! EDDIE, DO YOU COPY?” 

Steve’s blood literally jumped. Shit, was that Henderson? “Eddie, the night nurse has started her rounds early. I repeat—she’s started her rounds. You gotta get outta there NOW.”

Too much. Steve’s head was too muddled, he didn’t understand. He finally fluttered his eyes open and latched his blurry focus onto Eddie. Who startled like a coyote bit his butt. Steve would’ve laughed, if he’d gotten the lung power.

“Steve? Steve!”

Eddie seemed spooked. Steve’s heart rate skyrocketed. He was in a hospital bed. He’d got some weird plastic mask thing on his face. When he tried to lift his arm, pain lanced hotly. 

Oh God, oh God!

He fixed on Eddie and felt himself calm a little. “Please,” he murmured, his voice a barely-there rasp. “Don’t go.”

Eddie squeezed Steve’s hand and smiled gently. “Not if I can help it, darlin’.”

Steve faintly registered a door flying wide. A voice cried out, echoed by a wailing alarm. He somehow found the strength to grip Eddie’s fingers, even as Belinda Carlisle launched up in his ears again:

‘Baby, I was afraid before

But I'm not afraid anymore…’

Eddie’s hand was torn away from Steve’s loosening grip, and Steve slipped back into the fog.

...

(Steve is okay, Vecna got distracted and El whipped his ass anyway, then Eddie get off, and it all ended happily... promise!) You tube link to 'heaven is a place on earth' for other 80s pop obsessives

Thanks for reading! All my ST fic on AO3

[cntloup]

SUGAR

Mafia!Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Rival's Daughter!Reader angst, toxic relationship

Simon was never a man for fancy ball events but as the right hand man of John Price, had to be by his side at all times especially at times like these, meeting with the rival. As they arrive at their destination and get the formalities of greetings and introductions out of the way, he goes to settle by the bar where he can have his eyes on the whole room, just in case. He orders his usual Kentucky Bourbon. As he stands there, drink in hand, his eyes searching the room for any kind of threat, that’s when he sets his eyes on her... and he should have taken her for what she really is... a threat; he should have ran right then and there but he never did. He had heard about her, the daughter of their rival, but never seen her beauty and grace up close. She looks elegant with a charming smile... and that’s when he knows he’s fucked. She feels a set of eyes on her and looks for them in the crowd and finally faces him. She's heard about him too. She starts walking towards him to greet him properly and that’s when it all started.

“This can’t happen.” he mutters in between kisses as they hide in the hallway “Why not? Cause we’re rivals? Who the fuck cares? If anything I’d be happy to fuck him over.” “who?” “My dad of course. Who else? I hate his fucking guts.” he’s surprised to hear that then replies with a chuckle “Why? Not the lifestyle for you?” “Fuck no! I feel like I’m in a cage. His puppet that he gets to play with and show off whenever he pleases.” he thinks that he can understand her struggles as he has his own trauma too.

And you play a twisted little game, But I know in a way, You need to complicate it, Believe that though we never eat, We still know how to feed, We still know how to bleed, oh

At that time he thought that she’s too sweet and innocent for this life, but that’s where he was wrong. The arguments, the push and pull, the manipulations started not too long after they first felt something for each other which he thought of as pure. He felt used and abused, he started to feel paranoid even more than before, never trusting anyone, even doubting his peers, sometimes even Price. His head full of thoughts like ‘Is she just using me for information?’ ‘Am I just a guard dog to him?’. But there was another side to her; so loving, patient and understanding of his pain and torment... also she was an enchanting seductress. Fuck, she was intoxicating. She had him completely wrapped around her finger.

My arms keep you in the room, Barely let you move, Show me what you do, oh, Tonight, we're second-guessed again, Let me wrap the chains, Addicted to the pain

As he pulls her into his room, never taking his lips off of her, nibbling and kissing any part of skin he can reach, he kicks the door close and corners her against the wall, not letting her move an inch. “What the fuck are you doing to me? My mind is in shambles cause of ya! Do you hate me or love me? One day you stay by my side through everything even when I’m at my worst but the next day you act like I don’t even exist as you come to the meeting with another guy on your arm!” he grunts as he puts one hand around her throat squeezing just enough to make her dizzy, just how she likes it. She smiles devilishly with no reply and pushes her lips against his and he can’t stop her, he never can. He’s addicted, fucking addicted to the pain she puts him through, addicted to her taste, everything about her. If she wants to see how far he can go, if she wants to test him, he’s more than willing to play this game with her.

Do you wanna see how far it goes?, Do you wanna test me now, my love?, You must be crazy if you think, that I will give in so easily, Things we buried low, Coming to the surface now, my love, You must be crazy if you think that I will give up the game, Oh, whoa

Sugar, I've got a taste for you now, Sugar, I've developed a taste for you now

comments/reblogs are greatly appreciated ♥ 

[jankwritten]

Jasico Bingo Challenge: sharing a bed

It took all of ten minutes for Jason to cave and climb into Nico’s too-big bed. His weight dips the mattress to one side, and as he slides under the blankets, Nico gets hit with his fan’s frigid breeze. 

“Told you,” he mutters, flipping over onto his left side. He sticks his hand under his pillow. 

Jason makes a face, wrinkling his nose and giving Nico a sort of side-glare, before he settles fully down, hugging Nico’s spare pillow. “I don’t like disobeying Miss Sally.” 

Two months ago, Nico would’ve been right there with him. He’s lived under her roof long enough to know which rules they can nudge, though. “Percy constantly lets Grover share his bed.” 

“Percy and Grover are different,” Jason says, his voice just a shade above a whisper. “You know it’s different.” 

Nico shrugs. “Sally doesn’t know that.” 

Jason looks far less amused than he should. “I’m serious,” he says. 

This is what Nico gets for dating a serial rule-follower, he supposes. Rules are rigid and unbending, in Jason’s mind, no matter how insignificant. He approaches “entrance” and “exit” signs like he’ll get arrested for mixing them up. 

It’s something they’re working on, together. It’s something Nico can help with. It’s always tricky, with Jason, working around the thorny patches of his logic, but Nico knows firsthand that once Jason can tame that anxiety, he’ll feel so much better. 

Nico is also aware it took him almost half a year to even start changing his own habits regarding rules, or moreso his perception of them, and that was only after a few years of built up trauma around it. Jason has his whole life to unwind. 

But, there is still progress, which Nico makes sure Jason knows he’s proud of. It’s easy to start with things Jason wants that he sees as outside the rule-boundary, things like sneaking dessert out of the pavilion at camp so they can eat it somewhere peaceful, or sharing Nico’s oversized princess bed so he doesn’t have to sleep on the floor.

Sometimes it feels a little bit like treat-training a dog. Nico did something similar with Mrs. O’Leary and Cerberus, after all. It’s a guilty thought to have. Jason isn’t a dog, and Nico isn’t his owner, isn’t trying to train him. He’s just…he wants Jason to feel free. He hates when Jason mentally butts up against one of the walls of his cage and physically recoils from something that would make him feel better. Make him feel good, and human, and normal. 

“I want you up here,” Nico says. He matches the gravity of Jason’s tone, watches Jason’s eyes dart around, lit by the dimmed string of star-shaped lights over the bed. Nico reaches out, slowly, and pokes Jason’s wrist. “I know I’ll sleep better if you’re here.” 

Jason swallows. He shifts his weight on the mattress, his foot kicking out just barely into Nico’s space. “What if Miss Sally comes to check on us, and she sees-? Will she get mad?” 

“Maybe.” He wants to temper Jason’s fears, not lie to them. He hasn’t seen Sally get mad at anything other than when the dogs chew on shoes, or when he and Percy fight too loud in the backyard. This, something easy enough to explain, he doesn’t think she’d mind. “But she would never punish me, or you, over it. Over anything. The worst she’d do is give us a stern talking to, and maybe make us sleep on the couch next time.” 

“The couch is an option?” 

Ugh, no, the couch is not an option. Nico taps his fingers against Jason’s wrist bone and wrinkles up his nose, tucking himself up more in his comfortable blankets and pillows. 

Jason, finally, breaks into a little smile. “You’re spoiled now.” 

“Hush. I’m allowed to like having a bed, and I’m allowed to want to share it with my b..with my boyfriend.” 

The room hushes over, the sound of the fan hiding how hard Nico’s heart thumps. 

It’s still new, that part of this. It’s still hard to say it out loud. Pushing out of his comfort zone is something Nico is working on himself, though. 

Jason beams. He’s probably blushing, though it’s too dark to see and Nico’s half buried his face in the pillow to hide his own face.

“Shut up,” he grumbles. 

Jason turns his hand around and laces their fingers together. He finally lets go of the tension in his arms, lets himself sink into the bed. Nico feels how the blanket moves with it. 

“You’ve convinced me,” Jason whispers. “But if we do get caught, you’re doing the talking.” 

“Deal,” Nico says, and squeezes Jason’s hand. He peeks, just to see another glimpse of that smile. He likes Jason’s smile. It doesn’t even ache to admit it anymore. “Go to sleep, now.” 

“Can do.” 

(Sally pokes her head in at eight AM, after Nico and Jason miss breakfast. She blinks, at first confused to see the empty pallet at Nico’s bedside, then understanding when she sees the bed itself. 

Jason is fast asleep at the edge of the bed, peaceful and relaxed, hugging a pillow to his chest, the blankets tangled around him. Just over the slope of his shoulder, she sees Nico’s curly head of hair nestled close. 

She’s careful not to let the door squeak as she leaves them in peace.) 

[randomgurl2326]

Ignorance Is Bliss Pt. 1

A/N: Thank you to the beautiful Anon for requesting this fic. This has been one of my delusions that help me sleep at night. So, may I please introduce you to the ‘she fell first but he fell harder’ trope that we all love. With, of course, Ema and Mickey helping and hoping for them to get together💚💜

As the h/c girl closed her locker, Ema was yet again tired of the ongoing “will-they-won’t-they” of the l/n girl and the Spindell boy. “All I’m saying is, maybe you should tell him because you’ve been hopelessly in love with him since fifth grade.”

Y/N pointed at Ema and said with a cheeky smile, “ah no, sixth grade, get it right. Also, there is no way in hell that I’m going to tell him, alright?”

Worth that the Winslow best friend sighed, and the two best friends walked to French class.

Meanwhile with a Mickey and Spoon…

“…a-and she has this thing where whenever she’s talking about something she likes that she does with her hair, y’know, like this,” the rambling Spindell boy said while demonstrating what his object of infatuation does with his own hair, not quite show ing it right.

Mickey chuckles and shakes his head, “y’know, telling her how you feel would be a great idea. Maybe, I don’t know at the park or something. Oor-9r, hear me out, just telling her would be nice.”

“Oh, dear Mickelous, that is simply just not possible. You see, you cannot simply fathom how much platonic-ivory oozes from her when we hang out together. Also, Y/an does not like the park because of children and the grass makes her itch; it would probably have to be during the night while under the stars.”

“Oh yeah, totally platonic when she looks at you like you actually hung the stars in front of her. Just like that show she likes with Azipy- Aziry-, nope, can’t say it.”

Arthur sighs, “Mickey, my bestest friend in the universe, she doesn’t like me and she never will, okay? Now come on, we’ll be late for wood shop and I’m looking forward to making a bird house that can stand this year.”

As they walked down the hall to their next class, Mickey sighed and started to formulate a plan and text Ema:

M: we need to come up with a plan for these two — sent at 10:45 a.m.

E:

Ik, I can’t take it anymore — sent at 10:46 a.m.

Meet me in the MILF room after lunch, well conspire there — sent at 10:48 a.m.

M:Ok, and btw, I hate that name — sent at 10:50 a.m.

Also y do u sound like an evil genius?? — sent at 10:50 a.m.

E:

Ikr, horrible name. And, idk, I just do sound like one ig — sent at 11:00 a.m.

Meet u after lunch — sent at 11:01 a.m.

After Lunch…

“Okay, now, that was a rough forty-five minutes to get through,” Mickey said this as him and Ema walked into the abandoned boiler room, a.k.a. The MILF Room, a.a.k.a. The Spindell Spot.

As the Winslow girl sat down on the couch she managed out, “yeah, that was unnecessarily hard. It’s like they want to look into our souls and have us tell them everything. Y/N really needs to stop looking like she’s about to run over a dog.”

“It’s seriously out of hand how much information they can try and gauge out of us. Spoon is the worst. He literally has that look on his face where he look-“

“Looks like he’s the most innocent and pure thing on the world? Yeah, I’ve seen that look. He’s literally the devil in disguise,” Ema then pulls out her laptop to take notes on how to get the two oblivious, love-sick, diabolic, little love birds, “so, you ready to do this?”

Mickey smiled and sat down next to his other best friend, “ready to finally get them to stop pining over each other and being self destructive? Hell yeah.”

And so, the two of the four best friends created a plan to get the other half together.

“…by the way, when do I have to get you and Rachel together,” the Bolitar boy than got smacked by a book by the alt girl and continued with their scheming.

To be continued…

A/N: I don’t know how I feel about this, but I want to make my little anon chalupa(and my readers proud) so I’m doing this. Please give me feedback on how I could improve the is one.

[fairycosmos]

tw domestic abuse, inc*st, animal abuse (nothing too explicit, just to be safe)

hii do you have any advice for dealing with domestic abuse from family members (adult brothers)? he has threatened me in the past and tonight he did it again and spat on me, hit me, constantly alludes to wanting to rape me or working as a sex worker bc I’m currently unemployed and genuinely seems to enjoy to see me in such a low position where it to ever come to that. I have a job lined up starting next week but I still live at home, so does he btw! and yet he is so angry at me for being in the exact same position. he’s also a drug addict and drinks, a misogynistic right-winger and kind of a psychopath. he gets off on threatening me and idk what to do anymore. my dad told me I can‘t move out bc the pay isn‘t enough yet but idk what to do. I‘m also physically disabled which is why I went months without working this year but I was employed for the past four months and I have a new job soon and yet it aggravated him so much that I didn‘t work for the past two weeks, it‘s insane. like, it‘s obvious that he hates his job and is unsatisfied with his own life but he is so disgusting towards me. there‘s s lot of incest-y threats and jokes which scares me, sometimes more than the physical violence. like I just want to die every time it happens and idk what to do. I can‘t move out if my dad doesn‘t let me and I looked at women‘s houses but they‘re all full or won‘t take women like me, myb bc it‘s not severe enough. on top of that he abuses our dog, kicks him and seeks him out every night to do just that bc the dog sleeps downstairs and no one is around to witness it. my parents don‘t care. I was around to witness it tonight for the first time and he did it in front of me and when I told him to stop it he spat in my face and threatened me and I just can‘t stay here anymore. I‘m not from the uk but do you have any advice for me please? ❤️ sorry if this is worded weirdly I can‘t really concentrate right now

the way i want to beat the shit out of your brother and would given half the oppoortunity i'm so fucking serious. i’m so sorry you’re going through this. none of this is your fault. everything you’ve described is so beyond wrong, and you don’t deserve any of it. it’s so messed up that you’re being treated this way in what’s supposed to be your home. your brother’s behavior is abusive, terrifying, and just plain evil tbh and i wish there were real-life consequences for these types of men bc they never fucking learn. no wonder you feel overwhelmed and trapped—anyone would in your situation. i’m really glad you reached out because this is too much for anyone to handle on their own, and you shouldn’t have to.

what he’s doing things like spitting on you, hitting you, threatening you, making those disgusting, incestuous comments etc is beyond unacceptable and the fact that he’s also abusing your dog is just so fucking sick. people like him use power and fear to control others, and it’s clear he’s lashing out in every direction to feel some twisted sense of control. your dog is just as vulnerable as you are in this situation, and it's not fair that you both have to keep living in such a toxic environment. it’s not healthy, and it’s not okay - it pisses me off so much that anyone would deny you help because it's not "bad enough" when it sounds like an actual nightmare. you literally shouldn’t have to live like this.

i know it feels impossible to leave right now, especially with your dad saying you can’t move and your new job just starting. but i promise, there are steps you can take to get out—even if it feels really far away or impossible right now. your safety and your dog’s safety are the most important things here. if your brother becomes violent again or you feel like you’re in immediate danger, please consider calling emergency services. i know that can feel terrifying, especially if your family isn’t supportive, but emergency services or a local domestic violence hotline can step in and help. they’re trained for situations like this and you don't have to wait for it to get any "worse" to call the authorities or an ambulance if you feel unsafe.

since you’ve looked into women’s shelters and they’re full, it might help to keep calling or checking back. sometimes spots open up, or they might be able to connect you to other resources—like emergency housing, legal help, support with clothing/food/transportation, or even animal rescue organisations that can help protect your dog too. it’s worth asking if they know of any shelters or foster programs for pets from abusive households. there are groups out there that work specifically to help people and animals escape abuse, so please don't shy away from seeking that support. i know it's a lot easier said than done and none of it is as simple as just making a phone call and getting the help you need. but keep pushing forward with it bc honestly the sooner you get away from him the better tbh.

in the short term, is there anyone you can reach out to? a friend, teacher, coworker, or even someone you’re not super close with but who might be able to help if they knew what’s going on? sometimes people will surprise you when you let them know how serious things are. even if they can’t house you, just having someone to talk to can make a huge difference.

your new job starting soon is such a big step btw, and i’m so proud of you for pushing forward even with everything going on!! that takes so much strength. once you start earning, maybe you can start saving little by little to eventually get out, even if it feels slow. looking into shared housing or roommate options might help make it more affordable, and depending on where you live, there could be disability assistance programs that can help with housing or expenses. you deserve a space where you and your dog can feel safe and at peace and it's so messed up that you aren't able to feel that way in your own home rn.

and in the meantime, i know you’re doing everything you can to protect yourself, but please don’t forget to keep an eye out for your dog too. if you see him hurting your dog, maybe you can distract or call your dog to you if it’s safe to do so. when you leave, think about how to bring your dog with you or connect with an organization that can help temporarily house pets in situations like this. it breaks my heart to think of both of you stuck in this, but you’re not alone. there are people who want to help.

this is all so much to carry, and i just want to remind you to take it one step at a time. even if that step is just getting through today. if you can, try to find little ways to care for yourself—spend time with your dog, listen to music, write things down to process your feelings, whatever helps you feel a little grounded. you’ve already shown so much strength by reaching out, and that’s the first step toward getting out of this.

please keep reaching out, whether it’s to me, a hotline, or someone you trust. you and your dog both deserve to be safe and loved, and you’re not alone in this. you will get away from him. there is a whole life beyond him and his fucked up behaviour. i’m here for you, and i’ll help however i can. you’ve got this. one step at a time. please take care, i'm sending you so much love. x

resource / resource / resource / resource / resource / resource

international domestic abuse resources

global domestic violence resources

[guardian-of-fandoms]

Rescue Bots as Ducktales 2017

Kade: I’ve done nothing with my life! I’m a failure!

Dani: Aww, that never bothered you before.

-

Cody: Great party, can’t wait to tell my therapist about it when i’m older, BYEEEEEEEEE

-

Frankie: To the Naos! That’s greek for temple.

Cody: Okay, stop assuming i know things. Like, base line, assume i know nothing. 

-

Graham: Are you saying Kade would rather eat us than hot dogs?

Kade: I do hate hot dogs...

-

Cody: We’re.. okay?

Dani: Oh my gosh, no magic can kill me I’M THE CHOSEN ONE!

-

Graham: Please, not everything is a dark family secret!

Charlie: KIds, i’ve got a dark family secret.

-

Heatwave: Cody’s crashed so many times, i’m convined he may be immortal!

-

Cody: Do you know how many evil robots i have faced?! HAHAHAHAHA too many....

-

Kade: TREASURE!

Dani: ADVENTURE!

Graham: HISTORACAL ACCURACY!

-

Chase, playing detective: Look what the Cat dragged in.

Dani: ... You asked me to come here???

-

Kade: Dad won’t even let me touch the toaster!

-

Dani: His life is like a Haiku!

Kade: Yeah, it’s fake garbage that structurally makes no sense, He’s obviously lying!

-

Graham: You know who my best friend is?

Kade: Me!

Graham: Sleep.

Kade: (offended gasp)

-

Kade: IF I DON’T MAKE IT TELL MY SIBLINGS I WAS THE BEST ONE!

-

Dani: Sure, i’m not the best at cooking, or age appropriate stories, or child endangerment,  BUT NOBODY’S PERFECT!

-

Cody: Talking animals wearing clothes!

Kade: Oh no, did we die? are we in cody heaven?

-

Cody: He tried to kidnap me, so i trapped him in an improvised ball pit snare trap.

Frankie: Alright!

-

Dani: Make our markes on the world!

Kade: Not have to answer to anyone!

Cody: Be horribly alone.

-

Graham: I’m still not counting out a Methane Gas Leak.

Dani: NOT EVERYTHING IS A METHANE GAS LEAK

-

Cody: You... realize there’s a difference between quitting and dying, right?

Dani: Not to me.

-

Kade: Heatwave, who’s side are you on?!

Heatwave: Oh, neither, this is just way more entertaining to me than that movie.

-

Woodrow: Just because it’s a myth dosen’t mean it’s not true!

Graham: Well, actutally....

-

Woodrow: That’s what they want you to think!

Charlie: Who is “they”?

Woodrow: Exactly...

Charlie: ... what?

-

Graham: Are we supposed to examine every rock in this tunnel?! ... actually, that sounds pretty fun- WAIT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

-

Kade: WAIT YOU WERE TRYING TO HELP HIM KILL US?!

Dani: If i’m gonna be sacrifed, i wanna do it right!

-

Heatwave: Most kids wouldn’t get this excited over impending doom. Kade usually just cries.

-

Doc Greene: SHUT UP EVERYONE, I’VE DONE SOMETHING BRILLIANT!

-

Doctor Morocco: STOP LAUGHING! I’ve wasted an entire reel of film, and you’re not even in frame!

-

Frankie: Do you think i put glitter on my top secret notebooks just because it’s pretty?

Cody: (sheepishly nods with glitter covered hands)

Frankie: Well, sure, it’s a perk, but-

-

Charlie: I’ll be in my office if you need me. please don’t need me.

-

Graham: oooooooh, do i spy some Shale?

Dani: how is that better than subway monsters?

-

Kade: I’ll try to listen to you next time, and not, y’know, pull a kade.

Heatwave: Seriously, that’s a thing now?

Kade: It’s all about branding.

-

Blades: It’s a cautionary tale on Mole Monsters! And everyone could use a lesson on chainsaw saftey!

-

Cody: This appears in like all of my dreams. i’m cradeling a moon made of my own tears???? who knows what that’s about.

Frankie: ... i have some theories.

-

Chase: I’m afraid that dosen’t belong to you, Evan and Miles!

Miles: I’m afraid i don’t care!

-

Frankie: Then i shall keep your secret, for i believe in science. but i also belive... IN LOOOOVVVEE!!!

-

Charlie: Where’s kade?

Dani: Sleeping.

Graham: Who’s kade?

Dani: (slowly looks over at graham)

(charlie runs off)

Dani: ... WHO’S KADE?!

-

Graham: Do you need me to get a briefcase?! ‘Cause i can go get one, and become the vice president of being Chill! ‘Cause i’m chill!!! I’m straight chilling!!! LIKE A VILLAIN, EVEN!!!! (manic laughter)

Kade: Oh no graham’s broken...

-

Woodrow: I guess you could say i’m well versed in the custodial sciences, hehe...

Cody: ... WE TRUSTED YOU!!!! CAME ALL THE WAY DOWN HERE, GOT ATTACKED BY A SQUID!!! 

[nahoney22]

✨ Prompt Requests for reaching 3000&4000 Followers ✨

Rules: REQUESTS CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

☽ Only one to two prompts per request. May do 3 depending on the requests.

☽ You can mix and match from other lists as long as you’re clear if you want it SFW or NSFW.

☽ So please tell me if you want smut, fluff, angst etc. IF YOU DON’T, I WILL EITHER IGNORE, DELETE OR INTERPRET THE REQUEST. ♥️

☽ Please state gender preference in request - if you do not I will either put GN or female depending on the request and it’s obvious otherwise.

☽ Any characters from Bad Batch and Clone Wars can be requested.

☽ Please read my Masterlist to see what I won’t write for to avoid dissapointment.

☽ Please be respectful and have patience.

☽ Feel free to private message me about requests too if you want to talk about it.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿

Prompt Works Completed ✔️

Tech NSFW X F!Reader -

“How fast do you think I can make you cum?”

Crosshair NSFW X F!Reader -

“I get so hard around you.”

“I want you to take control tonight.”

Hunter NSFW X F!Reader -

“we’re not good for each other.” “Why not?”

“Do you like that?”

“Your heart is beating so fast right now.”

Gregor NSFW X F!Reader -

“you make me smile … and also super horny, but that’s not the point.”

“Do you think the moon is jealous of how pretty you are?

Wrecker NSFW X F!Reader -

“I get so hard when I’m around you.”

Jesse NSFW X F!Reader -

“No one makes me as horny as you do.”

Hardcase NSFW X F!Reader -

“You feel like home to me.”

“I never knew I could want someone so badly.”

Tech NSFW X GN!Reader

“If you keep looking at me like that, I’m not responsible for what happens next.”

“I just want to be used by you tonight. Can I be your personal toy?”

Tech NSFW X F!Reader

“…” “…”

“Do you want to kiss?”

“Yeah.”

Echo NSFW X F!Reader

“If you keep looking at me like that I’m not responsible for what happens next.”

“Take control of me, I trust you.”

Wolffe NSFW X F!Reader

“If we weren’t in public, I’d bend you over and fuck you right now.”

“You know you’re really hit when you’re angry.”

Tech NSFW X GN(afab)!Reader

“Aren’t you tired?” “I am fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Jesse NSFW X F!Reader

“If you keep looking at me like that I’m not responsible for what happens next.”

Wrecker NSFW X F!Reader

“I have been looking for my hoodie-.” “You mean my hoodie.”

“All I could think about today was you.”

Crosshair NSFW X F!Reader

“If we weren’t in public, I’d bend you over and fuck you right now.”

“Get on your knees. Now.”

Crosshair NSFW X F!Reader

“I just want to be used by you tonight, can I be your personal toy?”

“Tease me until I can’t take it no more.”

Echo NSFW X F!Reader

“Can you feel what you’re doing to me?”

“You’re my biggest turn on.”

‘Accidental Brush’

Tech SFW X F!Reader -

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“C’mere you.”

Echo SFW X F!Reader -

“Wait, you think I’m cute?”

Tech SFW X F!Reader -

“You look absolutely irresistible right now.”

Rex SFW X F!Reader -

“How do I know if I have a crush on someone?” • “Well, you can’t stop thinking about them, you feel strange when they’re around, and then you want to- why are you looking at me like that?”

Hunter SFW X F!Reader -

“Why are you really here? To mock me? To… make me hate you more?” - “No, none of that. I came to be a friend, because it really looks like you need one right now.” •••• “I don’t think you’re evil.” - “You don’t?” - “No, I think you’re just lost. Misguided. And you don’t know anything else.”

Hunter SFW X F!Reader

“I don’t like you. I can barley tolerate you.” • “Then why do you keep on coming back?”

“You’re not alone, you never were.”

Dogma SFW X GN!Reader

• “i don’t want to bother you. seriously, it’s all just... it’s a lot.”

• “it’s okay to cry, you know.”

Hound SFW X GN!Reader

“Am I your favourite?”

“I don’t know, I kinda like your dog more.”

Crosshair SFW X F!Reader

“You’re not alone… you never were.”

Fox SFW X GN!Reader

“Why are you really here? To mock me? To… make me hate you more?” - “No, none of that. I came to be a friend, because it really looks like you need one right now.”

Echo SFW X GN!Reader

“What if I dream about kissing you?”

Crosshair SFW X GN!Reader

“You bring out the good in me.”

Wrecker SFW X F!Reader

“You know, you’re really hot when you’re angry.”

4000 Follower Requests ☀️

Prompt List - CLOSED

Fives SFW X F!Reader

“You take my breath away.”

“Every time I look at you, I fall more in love every day.”

Wolffe NSFW X F!Reader

“One more for me, you can do it”

“You have the perfect lips for kissing.”

Wrecker SFW X GN!Reader

“You can hold my hand, if you want.”

“I love food, but you can have the last piece. Just this once.”

Hardcase SFW X F!Reader

“Life would be boring without you.”

Tup SFW X F!Reader

“Your hands are cold, let me warm them up.”

“I’ll walk you home”.

Crosshair NSFW X AFAB!Reader

“I know baby, you want me to fuck you don’t you?”

“Cum for me, pretty one.”

Hunter SFW X F!Reader

“I want to help… if you’ll let me.”

Crosshair SFW X F!Reader

“Every time I see you, I fall in love all over again.”

Wolffe SFW X F!Reader

“I’m not scared of anything except losing you.”

“I’m utterly and unconditionally in love with you.”

Hunter NSFW X F!Reader

“I want to hear you moan my name.”

“I can’t believe how good you are at that.”

Tech SFW X GN!Reader

“I would like to know what I can do to help.”

Thank you for all the support. Always. ���

[get-lost-in-fanfiction]

LOST - Another Story

Rating: M

Word Count: 8.1k

A/N: Well. Welcome back to Lost - Another Story. I don't think I've posted a chapter since Jan 2022. But here we are! I've been rewatching the series and feeling the sting of being without my favorite Lostie, Amelia. So here is the next installment. I hope you enjoy!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Homecoming 

I must have fallen asleep, because when I hear voices I open my eyes and sit up. My whole body being completely stiff is also a damn good sign, too. My pack is squished up awkwardly where my head was once laying with a sharp edge right where the base of my neck was. Terrific.

“Over here. Jack!” Someone calls. I can't see who it is. I rub the back of my neck and feel how tight my muscles are; this is why I don’t sleep at the caves. Man if only I had some aspirin then this place would really be worthwhile.

“Where's Jack?” Locke says as Charlie approaches, “We need the doctor.”

“He's right there,” I say while pointing, “Right there.”

“What happened?” Charlie asks me, and I gesture to where Locke is walking into the caves carrying Claire.

“Jack!” Someone else yells and I rub my temples. This is awful to wake up to.

“Doctor!” Locke calls and Charlie rushes over to Locke.

“Claire?” Charlie says and I scramble to my feet.

“Is she alive?” Michael asks.

“What happened?” Walt asks me, and I just shake my head. I couldn’t possibly explain it all in such a short amount of time,

“Is she alright?” Charlie asks and Jack is at my side.

Jack goes over to Locke and picks her up instead, “Where did you find her?” He asks.

“About a mile north. We were looking for the dog,” Locke replies.

“Was she conscious?” Jack asks.

“She collapsed in my arms.”

“Did she say anything?” Charlie adds.

“Charlie, man! Is she injured?” Hurley interjects.

“Is she alright?” Walt asks and I look at him and shake my head again. He backs off and I sigh loudly.

“Everybody needs to back off, okay? Just give her some air,” I yell to everyone around as Jack wipes Claire's brow with a cloth. I’m surprised when they actually listen. Doctor perks I guess.

“Claire, can you hear me?” Jack asks, “Wake up now. Hey, Claire, Claire. Wake up now.” Claire opens her eyes and Jack looks at her, “Hey.”

Claire screams and scrambles away and I clap my hands over my ears. I hate Clarie’s screams in this one. This is not a good day for me. A headache is painfully stabbing me at the base of my neck. Stupid backpack. 

“Claire? It's okay. It's okay,” Jack says in a panicked but soothing manner.

“Claire. You're safe,” Charlie adds, looking at me nervously.

“Who are you? Who are you?! Who are you people?!” Clarie screams and everyone exchanges looks.

“I don't understand. I don't know any Ethan. I don't remember. I don't remember any of you. I don't remember any of this,” Clarie says all panicked. 

“What do you remember?” Charlie asks and I give him a side glance.

“Um, I was on a plane flying to LA from Sydney,” Claire says with all the certainty she can muster, which isn’t a whole lot.

“Claire,” I say as I kneel down beside her, “We were all on that plane. It crashed here -- on this Island. That was almost a month ago.”

“No, I'm, I'm due,” Claire begins to say, but I rest a gentle hand on her shoulder. Surprisingly she doesn’t flinch away like she had the rest.

“Your baby's fine--” Jack interjects, but I finish, “--He's kicking, everything's normal. Okay?”

“Well, if it's been almost a month then why hasn't somebody come to get us?” Claire asks and Jack glances at me to give an explanation. I stare back plainly. Jack, Locke and Charlie look around not knowing what to say, and I notice Jin and Sun looking on and beginning to converse with one another.

Boone and Locke leave the group and I get up to follow them. I’m sure Jack begins to say something, but part of me has absolutely no time for his bullshit, despite my inherent uncomfortableness around Boone.

“You think she escaped?” Boone asks and I realize I’m right at the start of their conversation. Boone has his back turned to Locke who is sitting on something on the ground. I sit as well. Locke nods to acknowledge my presence then answers Boone, “You were right beside me, Boone, you know as much as I do.”

Then Boone turns around and spots me. My stomach does a funny flip, and not in a good way. He doesn’t say anything to me, other than his line: “Well, where did she come from? I mean, we were out pretty deep. Nothing's out there,” Boone pauses and Locke gives a faint smile, “She didn't say anything at all about Ethan?”

“Apparently she doesn't even remember Ethan,” Locke responds.

“The guy pretends to be one of us -- he drags her through the jungle for almost two weeks -- she doesn't remember him?”

“Apparently.”

“You think he's around?”

“I sure hope not,” Locke and I say at the same time. This is when Boone and Locke begin to engage me.

“Is he coming back Amelia?” Locke asks. I’m a little stunned because I wasn’t sure Locke believed that I knew literally everything.

“It’s not my place to say,” I reply cryptically, I don’t want them to think I’m a traitor or something, despite the fact that the truth of what I am has surely spread far and wide throughout the camp by now.

“C’mon Amelia,” Boone says, taking some steps closer to me, “We won't tell anyone, besides, you already know a secret of ours.”

I sigh heavily and Locke looks at me surprised, to my relief Boone answers Locke’s questioning stare: “She knows about the hatch Locke, she knows everything.”

I’m about to answer, feeling more uncomfortable by the second. Why did I come out here anyway? What was the purpose? I really can’t remember and I’m starting to feel as sick as I did when I was eavesdropping on Locke and Boones hallucination experiment conversion. I open my mouth but Jack suddenly shows up to come to my aide.

“She doesn’t have to tell you anything, Boone,” Jack says mildly defensively and Boone backs off immediately. I jump to my feet and walk quickly away with Jack. We’re heading back to the beach. 

About halfway there I’m suddenly struck with a memory, and a question I meant to ask Jack a while ago. However, I hesitate for a moment, because there are a few questions I want to ask but I’m unsure of what order I should ask them in. I mull things over for a moment, and ultimately decide to thank him, first, then ask my weird time travel questions.

“Thank you for standing up for me,” I say out of the blue and Jack seems stunned at my words, “I didn’t think you would, considering you always wanna know future stuff.”

“Boone is slimy and I didn’t want him to take advantage of you,” Jack responds quickly and I wonder if he’s growing a soft spot for me and all of my weirdness and uncontrollable knowledge.

“I wanted to ask you something, though, and maybe it’s a little weird but I gotta know.”

“Sure, go for it, we’re almost back to the beach though.”

“Yeah I understand, uh so before this is before the crash. When I was 14 my whole family was killed in a terrible explosion. Sewer Gas,” I pause to take a suddering breath and Jack gestures for me to continue on speaking. This is hard to talk about. 

I take another breath and continue, “I was thrown 50 feet from the outside oof the house, where I was taking out the trash. They were waiting for me to come back when they died. I broke my neck and several other bones while sustaining 3rd degree burns on most of my back and some on the back of my arms. I wasn’t expected to make it after being thrown from that distance. But the ambulance arrived and I was rushed to the ER where I was X-rayed then immediately put in emergency surgery. I was partially paralyzed. The surgeons expected that I wouldn’t regain full range of motion even with the surgery. But they did it anyway. Once I had woken up, a doctor came to see me. He told me his name and that he was the one that operated on me. He said that the surgery was an immense success and that they didn’t see why I wouldn’t make a full recovery after a year or more of physical therapy. I was heavily bandaged and still a little sedated but still managed to catch the doctor’s name when he told me. That doctor was you, Jack. You operated on me and told me that you’d be with me, observing, every step of the way. Then you disappeared and I forgot about you. You saw me just a few weeks ago, lying with bandages over 80% of my body. But here I am now.” I look up at Jack who is staring straight ahead. We slowed down walking as I kept speaking, and now we’re just at a standstill with Jack staring off into the jungle with a far off look in his eye.

“Jack?” I ask tentatively, “Do you remember that?”

“Yeah, yeah I do,” Jack replies and whips his head to look at me and a wild expression is painted all over his face. I smile grimly, trying not too seem too hurt about this load of information I unceremoniously just dropped on him. I feel tears rising up from my throat and I do my best to push it back down. 

Jack doesn’t say anything for a really long time. I kind of stand around awkwardly as I watch Jack’s brain go through some very obviously deep thoughts. Honestly, I’m not even sure why I brought it up, or what the point was. I mean, is there a point? Is there some sort of pull I can use to get Jack to finally take me seriously? It wouldn’t be bad to finally have Jack fully on my side, and maybe this is what I need to influence things. To make a difference, to make something change. Even if whatever happened, happened. 

“Do you have anything to say?” I ask Jack. This seems to shake him from his thoughts and we start walking again.

“I never put those two things together. You looked familiar, but…” Jack trails off and I can’t help but roll my eyes. He’s so dramatic.

“Does this mean you’ll take me seriously? I mean, this time travel stuff isn’t bullshit. You’ve experienced my younger and current selves within a month,” I reply with a bit of amusement. Honestly I’m not sure why I never put two and two together until now either. I guess I just pushed that time of my life away because it was so damn traumatic. 

“Well I have undeniable evidence,” Jack says with his weird breathy laugh. I smile to myself. 

“Man of Science,” I mutter and Jack tilts his head in my direction but doesn’t say anything. 

In the morning, Sayid, Charlie, Jack, Locke and I are gathered around on the beach. I arrive after the rest of the men, and Jack regards me with a new expression. It fills me with hope and maybe, just maybe, it will solidify my existence enough for the Island to provide me with plot protection. It’s a fairly beautiful day and the ocean looks particularly pretty. I can’t get caught up in the scenery, we have a plot to move forward.

“The girl is pregnant. Very pregnant,” Sayid says, “Are we supposed to believe that she escaped from him?”

“What are you getting at?” Charlie says very indignantly and I roll my eyes. I’m over feeling bad about line stealing so I try to speak up, but Sayid beats me.

“Ethan infiltrated us. Whoever he is and wherever he comes from, he's intelligent. Who's to say he didn't even send Claire?” Sayid shoots back and I bite my tongue. I’m not surprised when Jack looks over at me.

“You're off your head, mate! That-” Charlie begins to say in protest, but Jack cuts him off.

“Charlie, calm down. That's a stretch, Sayid,” Jack says, all along with a side glance at me. I wonder if he’s looking for facial confirmation. I decide to give him a half nod. Jack presses his lips together tightly.

“Then tell me, doctor, how many times have you diagnosed actual amnesia and such a selective brand of it?” Sayid replies and I hold back a smirk at the fact Sayid is questioning the doctor. The spinal surgeon. While I get they’re trying to make Jack the hero, I know for a fact there is no way he remembers this sort of stuff from med school. Hell, I don’t and I’m in it. Or was I guess, now.

“Okay, it's rare,” Jack says, finally stopping his weird side glances, “But she's been through a major trauma. It is possible that her memory reset to the crash.”

“And the chances of that memory returning?” Locke asks, but the question is not to Jack, it’s to me. Jack unashamedly looks at me now, everyone does. 

“I don’t know, it wasn’t ever explained,” I lie, obviously. But maybe they’ll buy it with Jack on my side, “Producers, y’know?”

Charlie rolls his eyes and I’ve completely decided I don’t like him as a character anymore, “You know what? You guys can talk about Claire all you want. I'm actually going to go spend some time with her. I get the impression she might still be a tad upset.” 

Charlie goes running off. I don’t say anything to the rest of them and take off after him. I know what’s happening next and maybe I can back Ethan off of Charlie. Chances are I can’t, but I’m willing to save Charlie’s neck this one time. Only because Ethan gives me the hella creeps.

I see Jin up ahead walking with his fishing net. Charlie comes running up with me right on his tail. Charlie scoffs at me and I don’t bother engaging. I only hope Ethan doesn’t knock me out with a rock as well.

“Oi, Jin. You heading back to the caves?” Charlie exclaims and I wave at Jin. Jin nods his head at me slightly and I’m hoping Sun has told him good things about me, otherwise, I’m probably in trouble. Early series Jin isn’t one to mess with.

“안녕,” Jin replies and I can only assume it means hello. At least from my old google translate days when I watched the show. 

“Safety in numbers, right? Of course, you have no idea what I'm talking about. How nice it must be to not be involved in the bloody insanity that surrounds us at every turn,” Charlie says with a glance at me. He’s starting to ramble and I look around slowly in preparation, “It's quite beautiful, really. You take care of your wife. Everything else is someone else's problem. No need to be involved in the decision-making process. No tree-shaking behemoths, French transmissions, just sweet, bloody ignorance. You don't know how lucky you are, you know. Must be nice. You wake up and…”

Suddenly we hear a whirring sound. Predictably, they both look around like wild prey looking for their predator. I know better, steeling myself for an attack.

“What?” Charlie says and Jin gets pegged with a rock and collapses. Ethan appears and walks up to Charlie and me.

“Charlie, I want her back,” Ethan says, then whips his head to me, “Amelia, funny to see you here.”

“Wonderful to see you too, Ethan, really fantastic,” I say very sarcastically and with a roll of my eyes.

“What? I…” Charlie says and looks worriedly between the two of us. I stand in between Charlie and Ethan. 

“I want you to bring her back,” Ethan replies, taking a step towards the both of us. Charlie grabs onto my shoulder in fear and I internally smirk at his spinelessness. 

“We both know that’s not going to happen,” I try to say as bravely as I can, “We’ll kill you first.”

It’s not a lie and there's no way for Ethan to call me out on any bluff. For once I’m using my knowledge as a threat, to protect the people I care about. Even if Charlie did punch me in my stab wound that one time. Ethan is going to be killed, and I’m going to be the one to do it, not Charlie. I’ll make sure of it, maybe it’ll send my dear friend Ben a message.

“What did you do to her?” Charlie says nervously and it breaks me out of my thoughts. I try to shield Charlie as much as I can but I don’t feel him grab a stick and try to hit Ethan with it, “What did you do?!”

Then, and this is what I’m not expecting, Ethan grabs me by the neck and lifts me up against a tree. I grab at his hand and claw at his arm. I try to not panic but it’s kind of hard not to when pushed so pathetically up against the tree. I knew this would happen, but certainly not to me. I’m starting to not be able to breathe and Ethan starts to speak.

“You bring her here. If you don't, I'm going to kill one of them. And then, if you don't bring her back before sundown tomorrow, I'll kill another, and another, and another. One every day,” Ethan says and finally drops me. I collapse to the ground to see Ethan turning to Charlie, “And Charlie, I'll kill you last.”

Ethan leaves and we’re left alone. I’m surprised when Charlie rushes to my side and helps me sit up. He leaves a hand on my shoulder until I look up at him with a more steady sense of breathing. Charlie holds out his hands and I use it to pull myself up.

“You need to be more careful Charlie,” I say exasperatedly, “Ethan is not someone to mess around with.”

“You two seem pretty cozy,” Charlie says hostilely, “Are you sure I can trust you?” 

I scoff and then laugh. Charlie regards me with a stand-offish expression. I just shake my head and reply, “He knows me only because his leader knows me. Where Ethan is from, I’m a threat.”

“Where is he from? What the bloody hell do you mean Amelia?!” Charlie shouts and I hold up my hand and take a step to back away.

“Listen Charlie, sooner or later you’re going to have to accept that I’m on your side. I came out here to help you because I knew Ethan would do what he did. Knock out Jin, and push you against the tree. I didn’t know I would be taking your place in that, though, since I came along,” I try to stay as calm as possible. While Charlie isn’t a loose cannon like Michael, he does get pretty violent pretty soon. I want to make sure I’m not going to get shot.

Charlie seems satisfied with my answer, and I watch as he seems to mull things over. He looks over at Jin and I glance as well. I know Sun is going to take care of him but I feel bad just leaving him here. I don’t know what happened between the two scenes, and I want to make sure Sun will find Jin. Or at least that he’ll wake up. 

“What about Jin?” Charlie asks, voicing my concerns out loud, and in fewer words. 

“Sun will find him, he’ll be okay,” I reply, still looking at Jin lying unconscious on the jungle floor.

“We need to get back to the beach,” Charlie says and I nod.

“Lead the way,” I say as I gesture the way we came from. With one last look at our surroundings, I follow Charlie at a hurried pace back to the beach.

I must have zoned out because I’m startled when Charlie shouts, “What do we do? We go out and we bloody kill him!”

Locke raises his hands slowly at Charlie, “Calm down, Charlie. We don't want the others to get upset and…”

However Charlie interrupts him, “Forget the others. He's out there right now, Locke.” He’s practically spitting venom. 

Then Jack butts in, “I think he's right. The man threatens to kill one of us unless we bring him Claire, and what, we just wait for that to happen? We tracked him once before, we can track him again.”

“You both seem to have forgotten how that turned out,” Locke says and turns to Jack first, “He bested you physically,” he turns to Charlie, “He hung you from a tree,” and finally he turns to me, “now Amelia is getting choked up trees with a healing stab wound. Running into the jungle unarmed is not going to get the job done.”

I sigh indignantly and jump in before Charlie speaks, “I’d like to mention that I was helping Charlie not get shoved up that tree. Also, you need to stop worrying so much, Ethan’s threats are empty.”

Locke regards me for a moment before replying, “Just how do you know this?”

“Because she’s a bloody spy that’s how!” Charlie shouts more at me than at Locke. Jack quickly steps up to me and places himself between me and Charlie.

“Those are some serious accusations, Charlie,” Jack says in a pretty menacing tone, “Locke, do we really need to go through this again?”

“Go through what?” Locke says with an air of innocence. Man he has been pissing me off more than he ever did in the show. Maybe he is just far more insufferable in person than an actor could ever portray.

“Oh right,” Charlie says while rolling his eyes, “She just knows everything. This is bullshit Jack.”

“Hey! I’m trying to help here, Charlie,” I shout at him, moving Jack roughly to the side so I can shove my finger into Charlie’s chest. He seems taken aback, “You better be fucking careful about what you say to me-”

“Why? So your big bad boyfriend Sawyer can come get me?” Charlie interrupts, Jack stares at me in surprise.

I scoff and I honestly don’t know how I hide my surprise at his comment so well, maybe because my next angry statement is out of my mouth before I can register it, “Because dipshit I know how, when, where, and who is gonna die so I’d be careful running your mouth to someone who could save your fucking life.”

The group is silent and staring and I realize that perhaps I’ve made a really big mistake. It’s quickly replaced with anger when Charlie spits at my feet and walks away. I make a move to run after him but Jack traps me with his arms hooked under my armpits and I do nothing but kick up sand. When I relax he releases me and I jump back from him, smoothing my shirt down my back to avoid anyone seeing my scars.

“Well, that was eventful,” Locke says, nonplussed. I roll my eyes and decide to get back to the predetermined dialogue. 

“So what does get the job done?” I say in the calmest tone I can muster. I must not have done a good job because Locke’s face slips a little.

“We circle the wagons, tell a select few about the threat. We post some sentries here and back at the caves,” Locke finally says regarding Jack and me. Jack glances at me so quickly I almost miss it.

“Tell a select few? He does what he says he going to do and that blood's on our hands,” Jack shoots back and I want to kick him. I almost don’t want to argue because I figure what’s the point if the script is still going to play out. Maybe the combined stubbornness of Jack and Locke is too much for my “powers.”

“Okay, Jack, we tell everyone. But, you want to protect them, you need to start thinking defense,” Locke says and I sigh.

“We move everybody off the beach, back up into the caves,” Jack responds and I decide to jump in for another fruitless attempt before Locke speaks up.

“Jack that is a fucking stupid idea. Ethan is definetly hiding in the jungle,” I roll my eyes and Jack makes a tight-lipped expression at me. Maybe I shouldn’t be so mean after he just defended me.

“And to add, what if Ethan isn't alone? What if he delivered his threat so that we would gather like sheep to the slaughter in a confined space where they can roll in and take us all in one fell swoop,” I say again, stealing Locke’s line and feeling super smug about it. I sort of hate him right now.

“Okay, Amelia. Obviously, you have a plan. So, let's hear it,” Jack says and I am momentarily shocked by the change in what Jack says. Either way I continue with the story.

After our conversation Locke and Jack go their separate ways. I don’t really know what to do so I follow Jack in silence. We walk all the way back to the caves in silence. It’s kind of odd and I feel weird not saying anything. He still doesn’t say anything to me when we make it to the caves and and we sit down. Jack starts sharpening a knife and I stare into the waterfall. I don’t know how long we sit there. I feel like Jack wants to say something, but before he can Kate approaches.

“You look hungry,” she says and throws Jack a fruit. She nods in acknowledgement of me. I raise my hand as a stupid wave.

“Thanks,” Jack responds shortly. I look at Kate to see her expression but I don’t find one I can decipher easily. 

“Locke told us what happened. Why do you think he wants her back?” Kate asks and I almost think to get up to leave.

“I don't know,” Jack says and Kate seems to get a bit antsy. 

“Maybe it's time you use that key you know Amelia has been hiding. There are 4 nine millimeters in the Marshal's case and-” Kate says and I’m surprised. However Jack cuts Kate off.

“Uh-uh. No. I hand them out, someone hears something out in the jungle and gets scared, the chances of us shooting each other are much higher than of us shooting him,” Jack says calmly but I know he’s not. I sort of forgot about the case, I tucked it away so carefully in my tent it was like out of sight out of mind. 

“We're beyond sharpening knives here, Jack,” Kate reasons and her voice shakes me from my thoughts.

“I am not putting guns in untrained hands,” Jack responds with a sense of finality. He gets up and walks away leaving me and Kate to look at each other. Eventually Kate nods to me and I get up and go with her. Wherever the hell that is.

“I thought those guys had a full on perimeter set up?” Hurley says somewhat nervously. I gnaw at my fingernails. It’s a habit I’ve seem to pick up over the past couple of days. It’s not enough to distract me from the ever growing sense of guilt and doom, but its something.

“Locke said it didn't matter -- he came in from the water,” Kate sighs and I inhale sharply. I’m worried for my own life. Ethan said he would kill Charlie last, meaning I was one of the potential targets. He needs to die, and soon.

“You sure it wasn't an accident? I mean, maybe the guy just drowned or something,” Hurley tries to say but Kate just shakes her head. 

“His neck was broken, both his arms, all the bones in his fingers.”

“Yeah, okay. Got it.”

Then Sawyer strolls up to the scene and throws his arm over my shoulders, “So, Steve drew the short straw,” he says.

“Dude, that was Scott,” Hurley replied and Kate scoffs at Sawyer. I look up at him and he grins at me. Then both Hurley and Kate walk away, discussing Ethan and what Locke should or should not be doing. Sawyer pulls his arm off me once Kate walks away. I cross my arm and look up at him.

“Are you only doing that to piss off Kate?” I ask with a tad bit more malice than I intend. This seems to take Sawyer by surprise.

“What do you mean blue eyes? I’m not doin’ anything,” He seems to understand because his words have a sense of playfulness to them. I’m not having any of it.

“Well you seem to only come around and flirt with me when Kate is around,” I huff and my face turns red, “It’s not nice to toy with a girls feelings.”

Sawyer’s smile turns into a shit-eating grin and I suddenly feel very hot, “Now what do you mean by that?”

I stumble backwards as Sawyer takes a step closer. I just realized what I said now I can’t think of anything to say to get out of it. Instead I just end up sputtering pathetically while trying my hardest not to sink into the ground with embarrassment. Sawyer chuckles and grabs my waist when he finally approaches. My skin is prickling where his fingers make contact with the sliver of skin under the hem of my shirt. All I can do it stare wide-eyed at Sawyer as he leans down to whisper in my ear.

“Here I was thinkin’ you were always around ‘cause you had nothing better to do,” Sawyer’s breath is warm in my ear and I can’t suppress the shudder that makes its way up my spine, “Now the truth is out, you have a little crush on me. Don’t ya blue eyes.”

“Let go of me-” I say sharply. I don’t really mean it but we’re standing in the middle of the beach where everyone can see us. I feel extremely embarrassed, I’m sure I’m making glass out of the sand below me with how hot my body is from embarrassment.

Things get worse when I hear Jack suddenly shout something at Sawyer. He launches back from me and I hide my tomato face in my hands. Then Jack is upon us.

“The hell are you doing Sawyer?” Jack says angrily and I peek out behind my fingers.

Sawyer shrugs noncommittally and with a lopsided smile says, “Nothin’ Doc, just teasing ole blue eyes here. Completely harmless.”

“Whatever,” Jack responds. I’m surprised he lets it go so quickly. However, now turning to me Jack says, “Amelia I need the case.”

I drop my hands and Sawyer looks upset, “Right. Yeah it’s in my tent. Let’s go,” I reply and can slowly feel my face cool down. Jack turns and I move to go with.

“Hang on a tick,” Sawyer says and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Jack stops and turns again to face Sawyer.

“What now Sawyer?” Jack seems more annoyed than when he first came over.

“I seem to recall retrieving a case from a lake with blue eyes here. Could that be what you’re referencing?” Sawyer replies and I roll my eyes again and decide to respond.

“Yes but as I seem to recall, you willingly gave it to me. So if you’re wanting it back just because Jack is interested then you are out of luck dimples.”

Sawyer doesn’t seem to be in a fighting mood today, so he just shrugs and walks away with a cheeky wave to Jack and I. I raise my eyebrows back to Jack. He doesn’t say anything as he turns around and starts walking down the beach to my tent. I jog to catch up with him and walk in silence until I retrieve the case from the hidden place in my tent.

As Jack and I approach, I see Boone sharpening a spear with a knife while Locke is next to him. We bypass Boone and head straight for Locke. My grip on the case tightens significantly as we pass Boone. I can feel his eyes on me but I stare straight ahead. I don’t think Jack knows what transpired between us, and I don’t intend to tell him anytime soon. When we stand in front of Locke he looks at the both of us with a curious expression.

“John, want to take a walk?” Jack says and immediately Locke stands up. We walk away a bit. Once we stop I stick one of my hands into my pocket. I feel for the key and the metal is cold when my fingers brush it. I slip it out of my pocket and hold it in the opposite hand the case is in. Then Jack speaks again.

“What do you think happens after the sun sets tonight?”

Locke mock ponders for a moment, “Oh, if we don't bring Claire to him? Rhetorical, Jack. Same thing happens tonight as happened last night.”

“You think you can track him?”

“Well, I'm sorry?”

“We know where he attacked Jin, Amelia, and Charlie. Do you think you can pick up the trail?”

Locke pauses before he responds, “Maybe, but I wouldn't.”

“Wouldn't?” Jack replies. He seems upset and I try not to look at him. 

“Jack, I'm not a cold man. I feel for the loss of one of our own, but nothing fundamental is changed,” Locke says slowly, “Wherever he is, wherever he comes from, we're on Ethan's turf. He has the advantage. To him we're nothing more than a bunch of scared idiots with sharp sticks.”

“What if I told you I had a way to get the advantage back?” Jack says and i finally look at him. Jack holds an expecting expression and the case feels a bit heavier in my hand. I’m getting nervous about shooting Ethan, but if all goes to plan then Charlie should have no way to get a gun.

“Then I would ask: what way might that be, Jack?” Locke says and I can see that his eyes drift to the case in my hands for a moment.

Jack turns to me again and I crouch down and set the case on its side. I fit the key into the lock and open it slowly. Carefully I slip the key back into my pocket and show the men the contents of the case. Locke lets out a low whistle and I look expectantly up at Jack.

“Why, doctor, you've been holding out on us,” Locke says then turns to me, “Or doctors I suppose.”

I smile slightly as Jack replies, “I'm guessing you know how to handle one of these?”

Jack picks a gun up out of the case and holds the it out to Locke who then takes it apart and puts it back together. Jack nods and I close up the case and lock it once again. I carefully put the key back in my pocket again and hold the case with two hands as we all stand. Jack and I walk away from Locke and start making our way to the caves. Locke returns to his place beside Boone and they start making conversation. I glance back and notice Boone side-eyeing me. I inhale sharply and turn away. And so the games begin. 

Once Jack and I arrive at the caves, Charlie and Sayid join us. We talk for a little while. I nervously bite my fingernails until Locke shows up. I’m not sure why we didn’t just go to the caves together. I guess Locke had to say something to Boone before we left. Then Jack starts to explain the plan we have with Claire. Unfortunately, Charlie is upset and decides to speak his mind.

“Are you insane?!” Charlie says angrily and for once I don’t roll my eyes at his opposition. From his point of view it’s a terrible plan, especially since he cares for Claire. However…

“It's the best chance we have, Charlie,” Jack says, almost finishing my private thoughts out loud.

“No bloody way!” Charlie shouts and Sayis puts a hand on his shoulder.

“If you want to capture Ethan, we have to ensnare him. And the only way do that is by giving him what he wants,” Sayid says calmly but it doesn’t calm Charlie.

“You have no idea what you're talking about. This guy, he will kill all of you. You can't protect her…” Charlie says, but then Claire waddles in and speaks over him.

“Charlie, I can talk for myself,” she says and I smile at her.

“Claire, they want to use you as bait,” Charlie says, trying to reason with her after he shakes Sayid’s hand off of his shoulder.

“I don't remember Ethan. I don't remember what he did to me. But if I can help stop him from hurting anyone else, I have to do that,” Claire sounds brave but I can tell she’s nervous. Now to make sure Charlie can’t mess up my plan.

“I'm coming with you. You said there were 4 guns,” I say. Jack and Locke look at me.

“You ever fire a weapon, Amelia?” Locke says with a smile that is supposed to put me down. I straighten my shoulders.

“Actually I have, didn’t you hear about the polar bear?” I say defiantly and Locke just shrugs. I notice Charlie seething out of the corner of my eye and have to suppress the smile. +1 for Amelia Kassman.

“Alright, we should do this. Let's figure out a game plan. Alright, Sayid, you're the soldier. Locke, you're the hunter. . .” Jack begins and we flesh out the plan. While nervousness is still eating a hole in my stomach, the determination for what I have to do is pushing me forward. I’ve only ever shot a polar bear, and that was purely on luck since I knew exactly where it would be.

“Amelia’s right,” Locke says as we make our way back to the beach. I already knew where we were heading.

“About what?” Jack asks, and I glance over at the two of them. We arrive at the beach as Locke makes his next statement:

“We have 4 guns, we should have 4 men.”

So we walk over to Sawyer and Kate joins us halfway through. She doesn’t ask where were going, but I know she is somewhat aware of the plan. Sawyer spots the group of us walking. He catches my eye first and gives me a wink. My face turns red again as he stands up to meet us halfway.

Once he approaches, Jack says, “We need your help capturing Ethan.”

“Help? Moi?” Sawyer asks with a dramatic hand to his chest. I stifle a laugh.

“You know how to handle a gun, or not?” Jack asks, not having any of Sawyer’s bullshit.

“Yeah I think I can handle it,” Sawyer says and Jack hands him a gun. The line changed and I notice. He was supposed to say he shot the polar bear. I almost forgot about that. Then Sawyer says, “Where'd you get the hardware, Hoss?”

Jack doesnt respond and Kate speaks up, “I want to come.”

“Sorry, we're out of guns. And no one goes out there unarmed,” Jack replies as he shakes his head.

“How much ammo you got?” Sawyer says, glancing at me then back at our tents. Damn, I completely forgot Saywer has another gun.

“100 rounds give or take,” Jack says with a noncommittal shrug

Sawyer raises an eyebrow, considering their options. “All 9's, right? 9 millimeters -- the guns?” he asks.

“Yeah, why?” Jack responds, curious.

“Because, if the lady wants to come...” Sawyer trails off, retrieving a gun from his tent. “Lifted this off the Marshal back in the old days. Remember him, don't you? Surly guy, kind of square of jaw, carries a Sig 9.”

Jack's expression tightens with a mix of acknowledgment and disapproval. “Yeah, I remember you shot him. And missed.”

Sawyer chuckles. “Yeah, well, bygones. And hell, 5 guns are better than 4.”

We prepare to head out into the jungle and I glance over at the feeling of being watched. I notice Charlie staring at us with a mutinous look in his eye and I feel glad to be the one who I going to shoot Ethan to save some heat from Charlie. Maybe he won’t like me as much, but maybe if I’m able to explain it to him, he’ll finally understand what I’m trying to do here. Once we’re all gathered up and ready to do with the guns in our hands Sayid starts to explain the plan to Claire.

“He'll be surrounded at 5 points. Everyone will be in visual contact with you,” Sayid says, first turned to Claire. Once she nods in understanding he continues, “Make sure you stay in the area I've shown you.” Sayid turns to the rest of us and says, “And remember, guns are a measure of the last resort. We want him alive.”

“That’s not going to happen.” I think.

I turn back before we head out, and just like originally Charlie is watching us leave. The sky is cloudy as we walk into the jungle. We walk in line, Jack leading with Claire, then Locke, Sayid, Kate, Sawyer, and me bringing up the rear. Right before we make it to a clearing it beings to rain, pouring. Just like it happened before. My heart is pounding in anticipation, and Sawyer must sense the energy I give off because he looks back at me every so often. Everytime I give him a brave smile, trying not to seem too nervous about killing someone. Not that he knows that.

We arrive to where Jack things a suitable spot is. A clearing with trees that are easy to climb. Sayid climbs a tree and Claire stands in the middle of the clearing in the rain waiting for Ethan to come. Sawyer, Jack, myself, Kate, and Locke are hiding just out of sight, positioned all around the clearing. I ready my gun, waiting for Ethan to approach. After wating for a while Ethan suddenly appears and starts chasing Claire.

We all take off after Ethan. Jack circles around and runs in to tackle Ethan, which ends in him losing his gun. The rest of us come to help as Jack and Ethan slug each other. My pants are muddy and my hair clings to my forehead. I linger behind, wanting to make sure nobody sees me load the bullets into the chamber to prepare for what Charlie is supposed to do. My hands shake and I try my best to steady them. I don’t want to miss.

Then Locke shouts, “Over here! Over here! Jack's got him! Hold your fire. Don't shoot. We want him alive. Claire!” Locke runs over to her, making sure she’s nowhere near Ethan. “You alright?” He asks Claire and she gives a very shaky nod. I wait for Sawyer’s line patiently. Nobody seems to notice I’m hanging back. Perfect.

Sawyer comes running up with Kate following, “Over here!” 

“Hey, hold your fire!” Sayid shouts at them, and they lower their guns slightly.

“Easy,” Sawyer growls and Jack lands a particularly good punch on Ethan. Jack finally eases up and gets up off of him. Everyone moves in closer to make sure he is down.

“Winner by a knockout. Nice one, Doc. Now, maybe somebody can tell me just who or what this son-of-bitch is!” Sawyer says, his hair getting into his mouth as he shouts. Then, Ethan starts to get up, and everybody points their gun at him.

“Uh, uh, uh, jungle boy. Not even for one second,” Sawyer says, raising his gun higher and aiming right where I’m going to shoot. His line was my queue and I pull the trigger.

Ethan is shot in the chest 6 times. Everybody whips around as Ethan collapses into the mud and the gun is still smoking in front of me. My hands are shaking and Sawyer looks at me in disbelief, but with a tinge of pride. Everyone else, however, looks at me even more terrified than they did when they found out I was from the future. 

“Amelia?!” Jack shouts, the first words anyone seems to make out. I know he is supposed to say Charlie, so my plan worked out perfectly, even though I had to kill somebody. I’m sure that won’t be the last time.

I tuck the gun in the back of my jeans and without saying a word I begin trekking back to the beach. Halfway back the rain stops and I’m grateful for it. Nobody called for me, nobody ran after me, so obviously they were all pretty stunned. To be honest I’m surprised at myself for handling murdering Ethan so well. I didn’t really like him, well actually I hated him, and knowing Juliet delivered him as a baby doesn’t do much to dampen the feelings I have. Eventually, I make it back to the beach, still soaked to the bone and sweaty at the same time. I immediately head towards the case and put the gun back where it once was, after properly emptying the chamber, double checking the safety, and ejecting the mag. Then I lock it all back up, slip the key into my pocket, and decide to sit in the sand to dry off until the party eventually comes back.

Jack eventually comes and finds me, toes dipped into the edge of the waves. I don’t say anything when I hear him approach. I knew he would, it’s what he did when Charlie was the one to shoot Ethan, and I know this Island well enough by now that if I take someone’s place then it’ll just fill in everything that happens anyway. He sits by me, keeping his feet well away from the waves kissing the edge of his boots. I can feel Jack’s gaze on me, searching for answers in the depths of my earlobe. 

"Why did you do it, Amelia?" Jack’s voice is soft, but his tone carries a weight of disbelief.

I turn to meet his gaze squarely, feeling the weight of his disappointment. "Because he deserved to die," I reply evenly, trying to keep my emotions in check. I don’t regret what I did. Not yet.

Jack shakes his head, his expression conflicted. "He could have told us where he came from, what he wanted with Claire, why he…"

"Do you really think he would have told us anything, Jack?" I interrupt, my voice edged with frustration. "I wasn't going to let that animal anywhere near her again. Ever. For Charlie’s sake."

"But we–" Jack starts, but I cut him off.

"But we nothing," I assert, feeling my patience wearing thin. "Anything you want to know, I know. You just have to be willing to actually listen. That’s been the problem the whole time. You don’t seem to trust me."

"I trust you," Jack insists, his voice tinged with defensiveness.

I sigh, feeling the weight of our strained relationship pressing down on me. "Well, it really doesn’t seem like it," I retort. "For whatever reason, you and the rest of this camp are very wary of me. Maybe it’s the Sawyer thing for those who don’t know, which I find hard to believe that anyone doesn’t actually know." I pause, taking a deep breath to steady myself. "People give me wide berths. Even if I’m the only other doctor on this Island, the rest of these background characters don’t trust me."

"Background…?" Jack starts to question, but I plow on, needing to get this off my chest.

"That’s beside the point, Jack," I continue, my frustration bubbling to the surface. "I just want you and Locke to listen to me for once. This whole ‘I’m going to do whatever I want because I know best’ attitude isn’t making me want to share anything. It’s only driving a wedge, and Sawyer seems to be the only person I can trust to not blab."

The words hang heavy in the air between us, the tension thick and suffocating. I can see the conflict in Jack’s eyes, the struggle to reconcile his trust in me with his sense of duty and responsibility to the rest of the group. But until he’s willing to truly listen, to see me as more than just a kid or another survivor he has to protect, our relationship will remain strained, and the truth will continue to elude us.

He doesn’t say anything else and I’m glad for it. I didn’t really want to talk to him beyond the predetermined dialouge anyway. After a few minutes, he leaves, a hand brushing over my shoulder in some sort of goodbye. It makes my sink prickle with anger, but I do my best to push it down. Things have changed, I can feel it. With Jack, with Sawyer, with everyone.

Maybe now they’ll take me a little seriously.

LOST ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged in updates!

[aita-blorbos]

[WARNING: Child Injury/Endangerment, alcoholism, animal death, Christianity]

Am I the jerk for lying to my dad? (Sorry for not using the right word, I’m just not comfortable swearing.)

I’ve done everything I can to be a good kid and keep God and my parents proud of me, but I always seem to misunderstand what people try to tell me.

So when my dad wanted to take me on a father-son hunting trip, I thought it was a chance to prove I could be the son my dad wants me to be, but I couldn’t bring myself to shoot anything. All the animals were so cute! I saw bunnies playing with their kids, and a deer came up and licked me on the face. It would’ve been so fun!

… except my dad kept drinking and pressuring me to shoot something. He finally got so frustrated with me that he grabbed the gun from my hands and shot not only the deer, but also someone’s hunting dog. Then he took both of them back to our campsite and ate them, saying if I wanted to eat I should’ve shot something myself.

He was still drinking, and I told him I wasn’t comfortable being around him and guns with him drunk. He started going on a rant that sounded like he was projecting his frustrations onto the booze.

Not knowing what else to do, I shot the liquor bottles so he couldn’t drink anymore, and he got even more mad. He ended up shooting me in the leg and thinking I had shot myself. I was relieved I had ignored him and brought a first aid kit, but the first thing he did was drink all the rubbing alcohol, and… I said I hated him.

He passed out and slept through the night.

While he was sleeping, a bear came to our campsite. He showed more interest in my dad than in me, and I felt bad (and maybe for a brief moment thought maybe I should’ve let my dad get attacked, but it was only a brief moment), but I shot the bear.

Dad slept through the rest of the night and through the next day until the sun started going down.

He didn’t remember anything from the night before. He didn’t even own up to shooting me in the leg. He just said that if he didn’t remember it, it wasn’t his fault.

Then he saw the bear. He begged me to make him proud and tell him that I shot that bear… but I couldn’t. I didn’t want him to be proud of me anymore. I lied and said he shot the bear.

We went home and finally got the doctor to look at my leg. I was in a cast for almost a year, and the doctor said I’ll probably walk with a limp for the rest of my life because it was almost 24 hours before I got medical attention.

I’m… I’m sorry this has gotten longer than a lot of your other submissions, but I… I don’t know what to do. I was raised on “Honor thy Father and Mother”… But what if my father isn’t an honorable man?

So… am I the a- … the jerk for not wanting my dad to be proud of me? For lying so he’s not proud of me?

[very-super-silly]

the outsiders headcanons!! :)

**(spoilers ahead)** + tw about alcohol and smoking

um this is just a big yap about these sillies <3 (kind of on crack, beware)

Darry

corduroy <3

really really really hot showers 

def had a thing going on with paul at one point 

source (musical): “remember that purple madras shirt i gave you? it looked pretty good on you”

“yeah, i do. i use it to clean my toilet twice a week” 

*gets decked and the rumble starts* 

they’re such exes coded bro 😮‍💨

love language is words of affirmation and acts of service (very based off the musical)

bro really needs a hug 😭

he hugs pony and soda all the time tho 

super tight hugs

emerald green is his favorite color

hasn’t drank alcohol since his parents died 

he only ever drank at those soc parties paul invited him to anyways

Ponyboy

basically addicted to pepsi (canon?) 

after johnny and dally died he’d only wear their jackets 

be nice to me - the front bottoms

“We are running, we are running, but you’re a killer. And i’m your best friend. I think it’s unfair, your situation. You say im changing, sorry i didn’t know i had to stay the same” 

lowkey kinda fucked his liver a bit by regularly taking FOUR acetaminophen’s instead of his scrawny ass’s one 

he also highkey has a smoking addiction 😭 (canon??)

he needs to sleep next to someone, whether that be soda, johnny or even darry

otherwise it’s hard for him to sleep, and “the dream” happens more frequently 

he and johnny would hug and stuff all the time

like they’ll just be standing talking to the gang and pony’ll be standing behind johnny hanging with his arms wrapped around his neck, and with his head resting on his shoulder 

johnny and pony sitting in the same booth at the diner and johnny just leans his shoulder on pony’s

im projecting my love language of physical touch smh 😔

platonically or not which ever way you swing pookie

after johnny died he got a tattoo on the inside of his wrist saying stay gold

stick n poke, thanks two-bit

darry doesn’t know

Sodapop

would blow bubbles in all his drinks with straws 

pretty good cook even though darry is usually the one cooking

better at baking

chocolate cake 😍

love language is physical touch 100%

queer (unspecified)

he actually loved sandy, so after he found out she cheated and fucking left him, he kind of stopped being super flirtatious. Just for a bit. And now, he’s not really searching for serious love 

has a small tattoo of a soda bottle on his left arm

thank you two-bit for your weird ass connections (and odd skills)

bro pulled up with the “hey man I know a guy”

the guy was him

Johnny

 Used to have a dog (a terrier of some type) but it either died or his parents gave it away 

likes strawberries 

if a certain chain of events didn’t occur, johnny would wear cherrys hair clips and bows. 

coquette king 

love language is also physical touch

i mean have you seen the movie

loves hershey chocolate

doesn't read the same books pony does, but like sitting with him while he reads (not reading over his shoulder, just like next to him or like in the same room. he prolly sleeps)

has spent so much time at the curtis’ in general it’s more like his home that his actual home

he sleeps over at others peoples houses a lot, or wherever one of the gang is crashing that night tbh

Dallas

he probably has like several thick rings that he wears in place of brass knuckles so the cops can’t arrest him for having them 😭

im looking at you kwp

love language is probably quality time 

i mean he wanted to go to the drive in with johnny and pony

he hates touching people/people touching him

he wouldnt like, die (😨), if someone touched him, I just mean he goes like “brotha eugh” yk

he’d hug johnny tho, like full on, proper tight hug

two-bit: dally you’d do that for me too right 🥺

dally: NO BITCH 😨

lowkey “lights out” by mindless self indulgence coded, but that’s more steves song

Two-bit 

average purple grape enjoyer

the one friend who would find a big stick on the side of the road and keep it

ENGARDE BITCH

love language is gift giving

100% the type of person to buy you flowers

bisexual

canonically the best fighter out of the greasers, however his first instinct isn’t to fight.

confirmed by daryl tofa <3

he's highkey an alcoholic lol

in the book he drinks a lot and renni and daryl tofa also confirmed that lmao

Steve 

 He has like. sharp movements if that makes any sense. kind of aggressive like he’s about to jump you at any moment tbh

love language is quality time and physical touch

source: steve playing cards and stuff with soda

yk what steve and soda had something going on in the movie im ngl 👀

tho in the musical two-bit and soda def had somth 👀👀

only soda can properly hug this man

if anyone he has beef with touches him they leave with a black eye

like first of all, they got beef, and second of all, they have the audacity to touch him and contaminate him with their crusty cooties? nuh uh

Cherry 

Really soft hair 

it’s normally down with a headband, but sometimes she braids it and does stuff with it 

she does bows and clips and stuff

really likes banana ice cream but if anyone asks her she says vanilla is her favorite 

lowk lesbian representation in modern media 🤩

bisexual tho 

ch ch ch ch ch cherry bomb 🍒‼️‼️ (anthem drop??)

definitely has a ginger cat (they’re pookies) <3

gives straight As but she has a couple Bs, B-s

she reads murder mysteries 

Marcia

Macha girlie 

it’s because her theme is green in the musical

im so funny

likes sloths 

romanticizes a lot

really looking for someone who understands her wacky thoughts

loves gossip, but not harmful or hateful gossip

just the tea yk, like “omg, did you see cherrys hair clips the other day?? they were so cute 😊 i love the style she’s going for”

LESBIAN 🔥🔥🗣️💪🗣️💪💪🔥🔥🗣️🗣️

her and two-bit r 🌈 ICONS (bc they’re besties)

rip marcia you would’ve loved chapell roan

Bev

A GIRLS GIRL 🗣️🗣️

trust even tho she was against cherry at the end it’s because all the socs were against cherry 😔

hypes you UP

def matches your freak

has a thing for great white sharks

interested in meteorology 

if you disrespect her, you’re cooked 

i mean did you HEAR daryl tofa in justice for tulsa 😭😭 bro didn’t even do anything

or anyone close to her, you disrespect her friends you better watch out 😨

will crush you with her high heels

“killer queen”-mad tsai, “breakfast”-dove cameron

Melvin

GRANDMA YOU FUCKING MORON I DON’T NEED MONEY I NEED DIMES, DIMES DIMES DIMES MOTHERFUCKING DIMES (canon) 

type of person to unironically say “where my hug at”

he’s a super senior 😭

“did it hurt when you fell from heaven” again, unironically 💀

bro solos all in the rumble change my mind

you can’t

good at digging holes

iykyk

jk I’m not finna gatekeep it’s from melody roses tiktoks about melvin

can pull up with some MEAN eyeliner

prolly hits pose 28 while standing around

drives a red 1961 chevrolet corvette 

should not be allowed to drive (he will probably run you over)

always gets a chocolate milkshake from the local diner 

with whipped cream and a cherry on top

not a headcanon but if melvin has no fans im dead

ok bye, tysm if you read all that 😭

[floral-hex]

BABY WATCH 2024!

First 24 hours with the new kitten. Thought it was a she, but did a closer inspection earlier and I’m leaning towards a he.

Anyway, the good stuff: he is the sweetest, most well behaved kitten I have ever seen. He’s an angel. He spent most of last night sleeping on my chest. I haven’t had such an actively affectionate cat in ages. The two I have now are sweet, but they don’t really cuddle. This little dude does. This little dude is awesome. He follows me around, doesn’t get into things he’s not supposed to, and instantly knew how to use a litter box. If he wasn’t so young, I’d think he was an abandoned indoor cat. But he’s baby. My baby. Still needs a name, though.

The not so good stuff: I DO NOT need another cat! I live in a small apartment with two other adult cats and a small dog. New cats are also expensive! He’s gonna need shots and to get fixed and, to be painfully honest, I really don’t know if I can afford that now. Shit, I’m basically out of (human) food until I can get some cash on friday. It’s rough. I’m really anxious. I love this little guy. I didn’t just pick a random kitten. I’d seen him outside a couple of times and I just… I hated the idea of this way too trusting little guy trying to survive out in the world. He just kept crying out at me and following me. There are other stray cats around, but this one is so small and so sweet and he followed me home and he loves me so much I literally started crying while holding him bc I didn’t want him to ever have to fight just to survive out there. I hate it. I mean, I love him, but it does make me feel kind of sick inside bc I know it’s not exactly a smart decision to take in a stray right now. Life sucks. He’s curled up next to me in bed now and if he wasn’t so tiny and sweet and wonderful, I might be okay not keeping him & letting him stay outside with his friends. I’m glad he’s not a human baby or I’d really be freaking out right now.

Anyway, I’d die for him now so it’s a done deal. My baby now.

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh i am powerfully grumpy today let me list the reasons why to break their hold over me! and then i will list the substantive good things that will counterbalance the grumpiness.

WHY AM I GRUMPY

didn’t sleep well and got up too early (this, as you will see, is probably the root of all other ills)

was pretty cranky with ruthie at 5am because she wouldn’t poop and wanted to just wander around outside & take a little walk instead. which fine but i was so tired and grumpy already haha. and then i always feel like a CRUEL MONSTER after i have spoken to her a bit sharply because she is a sweet little girl and sometimes you just don’t have to poop ok! also sometimes when i have been short with the dogs i am like oh great this is like a two-second glimpse of the lowest setting of sleep-deprived parenthood i bet i am going to handle that GREAT. (you can see here how i was already in that Mood where your crabbiness starts magnetizing all other free-floating crabbiness in the ether towards it)

got a little cranky on the phone with my mom because it felt like she was taking a liiiittle dig at me about the salary cut i’m taking (i don’t think she intentionally was i was just already kind of grumpy and sensitive) 

i am experiencing some lowgrade anxiety about the HSG test tomorrow, partly because i have read that is going to be moderately painful and partly because i am worried it will reveal bigger problems

my lead just straight up stood me up for a meeting today lol... i was on the teams call for 10 min just waiting and then she didn’t respond to any of my messages so i hung up but can’t really wander away from my laptop in case she calls me back... i’ve been just kinda Over It for a while but man it is annoying when she does stuff like this. also lol she did the thing in a meeting yesterday where i offered to review this tiny inconsequential project real quick with my boss and my lead jumped in to be like “to make the best use of [boss]’s time, i think it’s best if i review the content first to ensure everything looks okay” which is code for “i am going to make one formatting change and then schedule a meeting with our boss without inviting you where i imply that your work was so shoddy i had to make MAJOR changes to salvage it.” i was just like sure girl. whatever. enjoy these last few days of getting to powertrip over me. you are so close to being in my rearview mirror forever.

i only have like 1-2 pointless work projects left before my last day (next friday) but they are so pointless and so hazily defined that working on them plunges me into a deep work despair spiral even though i am SO close to being done with this stupid job. i know i need to just pull myself together and finish them but wow. i hate this.

some IRL friend stuff is making me a little bit irritated and i just need to sit down for a minute at some point and decide if/how i want to react to it. it’s genuinely not a big deal it’s just one of those situations where there have been multiple small annoyances that are not exactly anyone’s fault but cumulatively just make me feel a little put-out. however i am aware that if i’d slept 2 more hours last night i might feel totally different about it so i am just bracketing it today.

phew okay. now WHAT ARE SOME OF THE GENUINELY GOOD & MEANINGFUL THINGS IN MY LIFE THAT ARE FILLING ME WITH A SENSE OF GRATITUDE THAT I GET TO BE ALIVE IN THIS WORLD IN THIS MOMENT?

i wrote for 3+ hours this morning and feel really intrigued by the project... not sure if i have a sense of where it’s going yet but it’s been quite a while since i’ve been in that headspace where you wake up and reach blearily for your phone right away because you’re just HUNGRY to review the writing you did the previous night & start working on the new draft. i am very, very much hoping that a change of job and scenery will jumpstart my creativity a bit... i think it’s just challenging to write when literally nothing is happening in your life. you have all this open unstructured time, which means you don’t value any of the time you have (because if you don’t write in THIS empty moment you can always put it off to the next empty moment!), and then you are just sitting at home not experiencing any social or intellectual stimuli so i feel like you don’t get that “lots of ideas sloshing around in my brain... new encounters triggering new ways of looking at or connecting them... back-burner brain stuff simmering while doing other activities” stuff going. ANYWAY this is all to say it feels good to be writing again & feeling excited about writing whether or not this one sticks. i am just happier when i am engaging in the practice of making things even if i am not finishing things.

part of why i started writing again is that i got two extremely long, detailed, thoughtful comments on my last story from another writer that just made me feel so, so good and creatively energized. all comments are soooo good/valued but i feel like there is something extra special about getting that kind of extremely detailed feedback from a talented writer who picks up on why you did certain things and has a very clear sense of the really, really time-intensive revision and redrafting work that goes into weaving multiple layers into a story. i read the comments yesterday and at first was happy but also kind of in a funk about it - like it was SO nice and affirming to receive them but i have also kind of built that story up in my mind to be the best/most fully realized thing i’ve ever written and can sometimes get down on myself feeling like i’ll never be able to top it or even repeat it. but then i read the comments several more times and started thinking about some of the specific scenes or choices the person was highlighting and just remembering how many times i patiently reworked not-great versions of those scenes to just steadily make them better and more effective. and i was just like okay listen. it just takes hard work and time. i have to put in the hard work. i have to invest the time. i have to give up the fantasy that the first version i write (or the second version or the tenth version) is going to be, or should be, perfect. i’m so proud of that polished final work but to get there i had to really keep the draft shitty and unfinished and patchworked-together and rough around the edges so that i could have the flexibility to rearrange things and torpedo what wasn’t working and generate new ideas through new combinations of rough material. so get over yourself and get to work, you idiot, or you really will never make anything again because you’ll have gotten wrapped up in some fantasy of doing things perfectly the very first time. ANYWAY it was a journey haha but those comments got me moving again and it really made me remember again how much i value being part of a creative community where you get to have that kind of engagement with other readers and writers.

i think it’s going to be a stupidly gorgeous day out! and then a stupidly gorgeous next week or two! soooo nice to have nice weather!! spring is here!!! i scrubbed down the deck last night before bed finally and am now just awaiting the delivery of the outdoor rug and side table.

 i had a really, really good catch-up call yesterday afternoon with a former mentee i worked closely with for a few years in my last job. i thought she was probably reaching out to ask about a letter of rec or something but it turned out that she actually just wanted to tell me about how this project she started years ago with me has continued to grow/evolve and has led to these pretty major institutional changes around making caste a protected class at our university. she was just like, ‘i’ve been thinking about you so much all year because everything we’ve been doing is rooted in the research ethos you taught me in that program. and then it just occurred to me that instead of just thinking about you i could reach out to tell you about how much you shaped this work.’ it was just so good to hear from her and so amazing to hear about this stuff she and her co-organizers have been able to achieve in the last couple years!! it made me feel really good/happy (for her but also obviously it’s just nice when people say nice things about your teaching impact!) and i also feel like it kinda lit a fire under me a little bit... like this past year has been so isolating and i think one thing i’ve missed is the way that students’ passionate commitments push YOU to be more engaged in your own life/community and more awake in your own life. i feel like this student in particular always pushed me to be more honest you know... she’s one of those people who is continuously pursuing difficult, important work because she believes it’s the right thing to do and she knows she has the skillset to do it. so i just want to hold onto that feeling you know... like as i begin to become more involved in the life of a campus community again and more connected to students i just want to keep pushing myself out of this period of isolation and into the world to do meaningful work.

[akayeh1]

This was Gregory the Love Sponge. I’ll share more about him another day, but how I met Dusty has to include the story of how I met Gregory. You’ll see why as we go.

In the fall of 2002 I was told that I needed to find an animal to share my life with. At that time he was being prescribed as an emotional support animal and I had a fairly wide selection of animals to choose from. However I was living on campus and wanted to keep my fellow dorm mates in mind when choosing. I may have had a room to myself but an animal could impact the studies of others. I didn’t want that. Emotional support animals don’t have full public access rights so would have to stay home while you are in class. A dog would not be a good choice as almost every dog I’ve ever met loudly barks. And often. (That’s still true.) I next thought about a cat. There was a family cat in my parents’ home. No…. Keeping a cat in a single room would prove problematic. Maybe a bird? Oh no! Not a bird!!! My cousin had a cockatiel who was deeply in love with a mayonnaise commercial and drove everyone nuts! Never a bird. I went on petfinder looking for ideas. Hey! Bunnies!!! They don’t bark. They will stay in one room. They don’t sing. They are quiet pets. Perfect!

So I picked out three bunnies online from the closest HRS and spent a lot of e-mail back and forth and had everything bought and ready and went to go meet my new friend.

J brought me down to the bunny room. I’d never seen so many buns! All sizes. All shapes. All colors. She leads me over to the little brown Polish, the first bun on my list to meet. I end up standing next to a larger bun who quite literally is beating down the door of his cage (dog crate). J calls over her shoulder to me that I might as well open the door and pet him because he won’t stop until I do! Okay…

I open the door very carefully so he doesn’t try to jump out and reach a hard in to gently pet him. He’s having none of that and shoves the door all the way open and starts climbing out as fast as I can try to push him back in! He’s faster!!! Uh oh…. Now what??? I’ve got an arm full of fuzzy rabbit with another on the way and all I can do is pet him for all I’m worth hoping he doesn’t have plans on going anywhere else! Apparently not…. He’s getting heavier and heavier and the clown is going to sleep!

Just then J turns around with the little brown bunny half the size of the behemoth in my arms and busts out laughing. I’ve got a look of panic on my face as I’m still petting for all I’m worth. She just turns around and puts the brown Polish back. I never met him. Or any bun else for that matter.

She then called over her shoulder the best piece of bunny advice I’ve ever been told: “Some people pick bunnies and some bunnies pick people. Congratulations! You’ve just been picked!” She also told me one other thing…. “Oh, by the way, that rabbit hates being held.” Do what??? As I looked down at this lump in my arms that could be snoring if bunnies snored for all I knew! Could have fooled me!

When she was done she had me put him back. Uh yeah. Sure. He woke up and disagreed immediately with the concept and was climbing back out as quickly as I was putting him back in! When he got to my shoulder she decided it was going to take two of us to foil his plans and shove his butt back in. “Twinkle” did not like the answer of I’ll be back in two weeks. Luckily his I want you choice was just as strong two weeks later. I’ll bet he was a real pain to deal with in the meantime. Lol.

Fast forward to April 2015. I’m back at the HRS at the new bunny house to find a new friend. Gregory missed moving to the apartment by six weeks when he left in 11/2013. So I’m thoroughly done unpacking and quite lonely these days. I had contemplated a dog but my folks talked me into another bunny. I’m glad they did. So I went down to the meet the current inmates looking for a jailbreak.

After Gregory I learned my lesson. I had no preconceived notions about who I was coming home with. The only thing I was sure of was that they would be of the lagomorphic persuasion.

I walked up and down the aisles. I looked into each crate. I scratched any noses that stuck out. I paid close attention to anyone who seemed to pay close attention to me. I started to narrow down those who were out for scratches from everyone who walked by to those who were only paying attention to me. I got down to four.

One was a pretty grey bunny with white inside the ears and belly and under the tail.

One was a Rex that was grey and white splotched all over.

One was long furred white with grey on the ears, nose, toes, and tail.

One was a completely black Minilop.

Gregory was a broken chinchilla Minilop. Aka a grey and white splotched Minilop. With a luxurious double coat.

The bunnies that were sent whispers to pay attention to me…. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If you ever wonder if animals have souls. Be still and look and listen. They send messages. Sometimes subtle. Sometimes funny.

So I did two more trips paying attention just to the emissaries. The Rex was cage protective. I wasn’t sure I wanted to take on that fight. The mostly grey girl wasn’t very interactive. I needed someone who cared whether I was there or not. The lop was well a typical lop but not the clown Greg had been. And definitely not a love sponge. He was interested but…. Then there was this other little ball of energy. His marker said Jersey Woolly but when I looked at him he had little bits of litter, a few bits of chow, a few shards of chewed cardboard box all stuck in his fur. I laughed and told him that he did not look like a Skeeter! “Why you’re nothing but a dust bunny!” I did one more lap of the crates and as I did so, that little ball of fluff raced back and forth trying to keep me in view at all times and got upset if he couldn’t!

When I told the shelter workers that he was the one I wanted to see they couldn’t believe it. They figured he’d be there for months to years. He had been captured just two weeks before and only gotten back from his neuter three days before! They double checked three times that I was serious it was him. Yeah him.

He let me pick him up, look at his nails, spread his toes, look at his teeth, in his ears, feel his belly, and pet him as he explored next to me. Never complained and never fought beyond a halfhearted wiggle.

He was named Dust Bunny thereafter aka Dusty but his shelter name did lend a nickname. I found myself comparing him to his predecessor who at his biggest was six pounds. And at about 3.5 pounds when adopted Dusty was little. One day I told him he wasn’t nothing but a little bug and “Bug” stuck. Many argued that he was so big! I described him as a four pound rabbit with four inches of fur. He was just well insulated.

Love the fuzzies in your life.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2022 I forget that our camera makes recordings of movement. So we were able to see that the honker and Kari came in at about 10:00 PM when they first got here (along with a stretch limo). Had I known this, I would have turned the sound machine up a little louder, but it all worked out fine at volume 3. I don’t think volume 3 is enough to block out the motorcycle, even though it says my favorite nature sound on that volume is 70 decibels.

Sometimes I wish we could afford a small yacht. I would sleep on it when I was on nights and be here in the daytime.

We went out to BK yesterday as he was unloading the trailer. I called out hello to him, and he returned the greeting. The damn motorcycle was unloaded while we were gone so I don’t know if he turned it on or not. What was strange was that his dog started barking (it seems they only have one dog now) and no one stopped it. It did stop on its own, but so much for having remarkable dogs that never bark. I hope it won’t become a problem, but I would still rather that than anything that’s 100 decibels.

These people seem to sleep so little. They don’t seem to crash before midnight and are up by 6 or earlier. I wish I could sleep from midnight to 6 every day!

They left yesterday in the early afternoon and didn’t return until 8:30. I love it when the truck isn’t there because even though I know it could come back any second, at least nothing loud is going to be going on over there while it is out.

We went out walking yesterday morning right before sunrise and the loud dog was barking that’s 5-6 houses down. OMG, I’m so glad we’re not next to that shit! This is the very reason I worry about any houses close to us selling for however long we’re here. On our way out to BK, that’s the dog I thought I was hearing at first until I saw it was the honker’s dog.

I don’t think I could ever like the honker. I know I don’t know him personally, but it doesn’t usually take me much to get a good sense of one’s character. Just his mannerisms alone suggest an aggressive personality, and well, he was a pig. Most of them get into that field because they’re aggressive and like to control others.

He strikes me as an insensitive being, especially if it’s something he can’t relate to. I think he’s likely insensitive to women in general and their needs and what they go through in life. He probably doesn’t care about a woman’s face and hair as much as the body. I also can’t imagine him being supportive in the ways that Tom has. Probably hates gays too.

I also know I haven’t seen the wife up close, but I swear she doesn’t look nearly old enough to be here. I’m confused as to who’s who, though. It could be a dye job, but his bride was blonde and a little heavy when I looked at the pics. This girl has dark hair and seems rather petite. If she’s in her 30s, as she appears to be, what happens if she gets knocked up? That may be a good thing if she decides to keep it because then they would have to sell this place. He’s in his 60s, though, so who knows if he can even perform. If he can, I hope she doesn’t have much of an appetite being so much younger!

The trike is still for sale too.

Galileo says they don’t want to make too many changes at once, so they can get an idea of what’s causing me to have what I would describe as intense hot flashes with a racing heart. Sometimes my heart races when I’m not hot flashing, though. I’m just glad as hell that I don’t have anxiety in the way of adrenaline in my chest or dark thoughts. They recommended dropping the children’s magnesium because it has citrate in it which is a form of laxative. No wonder I’ve been so poopy! So it’s back to opening up hard-to-swallow glycinate capsules.

I will still be taking the B-complex and the folic acid. Also, I’ll be returning to the lab in two weeks. I think it’s mostly on the poison and that I have to drop another 88 and take a 75 two days a week. I think where I went wrong in stepping up the dose was that I only gave each dose a month when I should have given it six weeks as that’s how long it takes to build up in the system. It can take 8 weeks to really accumulate but most of it is built up by 6. So I think that when I dropped to one 75 a week, the drug was still playing catch up.

I’m not wearing my Fitbit today, so I’m not constantly checking my HR.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2022 They’re baaack. I got up just after 11:00 PM and saw the truck there at the side of the place with the trailer still attached. They must have gotten in late because they haven’t unloaded anything yet. I heard one honk and one bark before they turned in for the night. Not looking forward to the next 5½ months with these people. I’m just glad I’ll be up during the first week that they get settled in. They’re always outside and they’re always active, but I expect an initial flurry of pressure washing, tree trimming, car washing, motorcycle washing, and God knows what else over the next week.

It will be interesting to see if he really does message me about the motorcycle. He never did reply to my last message, and I don’t know if it’s because I said something wrong, or he was busy and forgot to get back to me. Could be that he replied and it’s not visible on my end, although Messenger doesn’t seem to have had that problem for a while now.

So much for no rain being forecasted because when I checked the camera and saw they were here, I also saw that the streets were wet.

The B-complex is messing with my tummy. It can cause gas and even the runs. It’s not bad enough to stop it, but I might not take it when we’re heading out somewhere. Maybe I’ll just take one a day instead of two. I don’t know how much of a hand it’s been having in making me feel better, but I don’t want to have to find out. I still think it was the thyroid dose tweaking that was fucking me up but if this has any hand in helping me feel better, then I don’t want to stop it altogether unless it gets that bad.

While I’m not anxious (yet), the other symptoms are back. My HR is spiking into the triple digits, I’m having what’s in between normal and the runs, and I’m hot flashing more. The B-complex can also cause this from what I read. So I gave Galileo a heads up and asked them what they thought. Could it be the B-complex or could the levothyroxine still be accumulating in my system despite the cutback?

I connected Alexa to my Fitbit. I would hate it when I’d get a journal idea and want to note it while on the toilet or out somewhere and therefore unable to tell her to put it on my to-do list. So now I can add notes anywhere anytime. It’s great for setting reminders too. It doesn’t do me much good if I set one in one room and it goes off when I’m in the other room and might not hear it.

Tom and I had fun yesterday playing Walkabout Golf’s fox hunt. The easy courses let you find and collect lost balls. The fox hunt is on the hard versions, and you get a different kind of club that goes with the theme of the course upon completion. Most of them are ugly, though.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2022 Now that Elon Musk is the “Chief Twit” of Twitter, I wonder what this means for the future of the site. What will change and what will stay the same? He says he’s all for free speech, but I don’t get exactly what that means. What about state and federal laws? If it’s illegal to say a particular thing in your state, then his free speech doesn’t exactly matter, does it?

I have a hidden subscriber on my YouTube channel. I forgot that one has the option to hide their subscriptions as well as their playlists. It’s probably someone from Facebook or PB if it isn’t a random person.

My streams don’t get many more views than my voice tweets on Twitter. People definitely prefer to read, as opposed to listening. It’s still fun to do.

I’m guessing the honker is going to come honking in late tomorrow night or the next night. Definitely not looking forward to his return. When he’s not on the motorcycle he’s not exactly what one would call noisy, but he’s active enough to be noticeable enough to be distracting.

Sue, the old lady who defended the honker’s Harley and swore by how nice he is and who has been helping Toni, got her a wheelchair that actually fits through her tiny doorways. We have the same house, so I know how small these doors are in comparison to your average door. I can’t help but wonder, though, does Toni pay Sue in any way? Does Sue want to give up on helping her like people no doubt would with me when I was young, single, and living alone?

Mia’s last three gifts haven’t been the greatest. First, she gets a nose ring. I hate body piercings that aren’t in the ears only. And one or two piercings are enough. I don’t like ears that are pierced 50 times.

Then she gets a dull blue leather jacket followed by dull gray biker shorts.

We canceled Walmart’s in-home subscription even though we never let them come into the house to put our groceries away since we’re not disabled. It was absolutely horrible. They were way late and botched up orders like crazy. They were delivered after I crashed, and he realized they left out my TV dinners. So he contacted them, and it took him forever to finally get a refund. Then, just as he was closing the blinds at 6:00 PM, he saw someone knocking on the lanai with the TV dinners. If he hadn’t seen that, he wouldn’t have heard them and the food would have spoiled. He then got a message saying they found them on the back of their truck or some shit like that. But he didn’t call back to say they finally arrived because he felt we were entitled to a refund, and I agree. We chose this service to get out of the constant tip-begging but we’ll just go back to the begging and them being late to spite us for not tipping. However, there’s a difference between being an hour late and taking all day.

Since cutting back to having wine once a month, I got a couple of bottles of Barefoot wine that were on sale for a total of $10. Peach and strawberry flavors. It hasn’t flared up any anxiety, which has been so much better lately. But if it does, I swear I’ll never drink again!

We’ve been having highs in the 80s and lows in the 60s. I still can’t believe how dry it’s been here. There isn’t a drop of rain forecasted for the next 10 days. It’s like the storm season stopped faster than it began. Is this really normal for this area? It just doesn’t seem like any part of the state should be this dry. It’s almost like the drought has followed us across the country. I just didn’t think there was a wet season and a dry season like in Cali. I knew it was more humid and that there were more thunderstorms in the summer. But I thought it would rain quite a bit year-round.

I know I said I didn’t want to go back to the beach until the spring since the water is a little cooler now, but that’s easier said than done. Even if I don’t swim, why not get out of the house and sit there reading on my Kindle? So sometime next week, I’m sure we’ll make it down there.

I don’t know how the hell this happened, so if anybody can tell me, please do. I went to dip my nails yesterday in fluorescent powders and ended up with a mix of dark reds and greens. They came out hideous-looking and absolutely nothing like the dip powders. I’ll never get this brand again. The other brand ended up looking exactly how it looked in powder form. I’m going to just stop dipping my nails altogether. If I want dip or gel nails done, I’ll just have the salon do it.

The last round of pre-dementia dreams was the usual negative shit. First, we were living somewhere where the houses were close together but we had private backyards. The yards were half the size of the one we had in Phoenix. Can’t say how big the house was, but someone recently moved in next to us and behind us, both with dogs. I was sitting there writing or doing something by the open back door when one dog started barking, which set the other dog off. They egged each other on as if it was a contest as to who could be the loudest. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t that bad but of course it was. The hardest person to lie to is ourselves…even in dreams.

In the last dream, Tom and I were forced to be in some kind of huge building. It didn’t look anything like jail but I knew we couldn’t leave. We were separated and they wouldn’t let me see him. So I did everything I could to get them to let me see him, including feigning passing out. Not sure how that one was supposed to help, but eventually one woman who worked there agreed to get us in touch. I woke up before she had a chance to keep her word. Or not.

Why can’t I ever have happy dreams? Why can’t they be just weird or fun instead of sad, frustrating or scary? I wonder if all these negative home dreams are a sign saying that we’re never going to have our dream home. That’s common sense, though. I mean, does anyone ever really get their dream home unless they’re filthy rich?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2022 I’ve been struggling with horrible writer’s block as far as creative writing goes. If I don’t manage to finish the last story I started, this will be the first year since 2003 that I didn’t write at least one complete story. I used to do an average of 4 a year.

I hate it when I don’t understand my own notes. When I think of things to add to my journal, I jot down notes, and one of them says “7K feet.” But what is 7K feet???

So getting my permanent crown cemented in yesterday went well, although different. Tina, the assistant, was able to get the crown off without having to numb me. The only part that was uncomfortable was when she was scraping off the temporary cement. So the doctor came in and put a numbing agent on it, and continued cleaning up the stub. Then when she went to cement the permanent crown, I thought she was going to use the curing light and it would be done in the second, but nope. I didn’t realize this, but this particular crown is metal, so the curing light won’t go through it. Instead, she used a curing chemical. She said that right away it would be 95% cured but that I still shouldn’t chew on that side until tomorrow. Well, just because now is my tomorrow, LOL, since I got up at around 9:30 this evening, I’ll have to remember that it’s not my tooth’s tomorrow. Tomorrow comes for my tooth at about 8:00 in the morning. She did tell me not to be afraid to floss and brush normally. It feels so nice and smooth compared to the rough jagged tooth that was practically disintegrating.

I saw Crystal who ran to check out my latest nail design. The glow-in-the-dark nail strips really do glow. In fact, they have such good glowing power that I was surprised to find some still glowing when I got up. They’re coming off later, though, because I want to dip my nails.

Since I was up yesterday when the garbage truck passed by, I ran into the bedroom, turned on Nature Sounds, and it seems that Volume 4 might have a chance of masking it. I prefer to sleep with it at volume 3, but I can’t do that during the daytime.

The garbage trucks will be even worse when they graduate to trucks that automatically reach out and pick up the trash bin. Right now, they still have a person jumping off the back of it. But once they get the one with that arm, I’ll be even more likely to get woken up because of the way it slams against the bar that keeps it from going too far, then slams the bin back on the ground. That is so fucking loud!

Not too long ago, I did an entry wondering who blocked me on a post in the park group. But it turns out no one did. I just wasn’t getting how they display their reactions. They don’t list the names of everyone all the time. So when I saw some missing names, I thought they were from people who might have blocked me and I couldn’t imagine who the hell I pissed off so much, LOL.

It still irritates me the way some people read things into things that aren’t there, and complain when you complain. Isn’t that kind of hypocritical after all?

I had some kind of dream that had something to do with me being autopsied. I don’t know if I was actually dead or was thinking that I was going to die, and an autopsy would be done on me.

Then I dreamed that we moved to a fairly large, two-story house, but it was in an all-ages neighborhood. I was sitting at the kitchen table when I heard this obnoxious sound and went out into our backyard to investigate. The houses were close together and the yards were sectioned off by wooden fences, but I could see enough to make out the fact that the people that moved in next door had literally ripped off the wall of their house that was facing us. The exterior wall was torn off practically down to the house’s skeleton. Instead of the stucco siding, I just saw the bare gray bricks beneath. Tom was in the yard and told me he talked to the guy who lived there with his wife and child.

“Let me guess,” I said. “There’s also a dog that’s not allowed indoors?”

He confirmed the presence of a dog and as I looked at the torn wall of the house, I was horrified to know that if they could afford to take on such a huge project, they were likely to be nightmare neighbors.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2022 When I think about it, and now that I know how slowly thyroids die off and how much of a difference just a point or two in the TSH can make, I now suspect my thyroid could have slowly started dying off in Maricopa and not Auburn like I originally thought. I don’t think it just crashed all of a sudden. I think I would have had to have been low on thyroid even if my TSH was only up to a 5 or 6 when I was in my mid-30s and that’s why I couldn’t get weight off except for a couple of times. I think those couple of times might have been because I was flaring.

When I get to stressing over the jet-engine-loud trash trucks we now have to deal with, I remind myself that at least zigzagging around the area for four hours, they’re not working in the roads every few months, there aren’t tons of projects every week, nor are there speed bumps to slam into or loud muscle cars visiting/living here…yet. I know it’s only a matter of time, though. With all the complaining they do around here about speeders, even though I’ve never personally seen any, I figure that sooner or later they’re going to put down speed bumps. I’m surprised they haven’t replaced the ugly wooden fence in back yet. The point is that I’m sure more things from the past will return to haunt me besides the insanely loud garbage and recycle trucks. I swear, though, all I have to do is pray to God for everything I don’t want to happen and I could claim that prayer actually works.

This is the longest time since I’ve heard from Happy. They didn’t have to make him that much quieter but he did say it gets on their nerves too, which is probably the only reason he’s been quieter. This also proves that they could control the dog all along just as I suspected.

I thought about mentioning the insanely loud garbage trucks in the park group, but I know they’ll just wanna lynch me for it. Gotta keep it all fluff and sunshine. Nothing but positive vibes, as if nothing negative ever happens in the world. eye roll I don’t want to be untrue to myself by giving people what they want, but sometimes it’s better to just not give them what they don’t want. Respect the emotionally weak, you know? LOL.

The AC check-up person called to reschedule because they’ve got a lot of broken ACs to fix now. Tom said that was fine since it’s working great. They’ll be out in December.

I ended up sleeping better than I thought - yes! So now I have the energy to do some cleaning, LOL. Can’t remember much of my dreams. Just a flash of giving lettuce to a guinea pig, sitting in a chair in someone’s driveway, and then being put to sleep. Forever. I don’t know who was putting me to sleep or why.

Decided to do some writing prompts. The thing is, I’m notoriously bad at sticking to them. The first one is sharing the last message you sent as long as it’s not too personal. So here goes!

I played around with the sound app on my phone and set the sound machine so that it was up to 80 decibels. With that being a bit much to sleep comfortably with, I inserted a foam ear plug. I ended up laying there longer than expected so I got back up to get something to eat and Tom said the mower had come and gone and I didn’t even hear it!

The thing is that these garbage trucks are around 100 decibels. I’m hoping that inside the house, it’s 80 or lower and that I’ll eventually be able to mask them. The problem is the pitch. Lower-pitch sounds are harder to block. So you can have two sounds that are the same volume, but you can distinguish the two of them which I notice in my sleep. Get what I’m saying? So these fuckers are going to be harder to wipe out.

As I said, there are different kinds of circadian rhythm disorders. Some people who travel and go through different time zones can get their circadian rhythms thrown off. And that’s a situational problem that, yes, with a little light therapy and melatonin, can eventually be resolved. With non-24, which is what I have, it’s a defect in brain chemistry. It progresses with age. It was extremely hard for me to get up for school as a kid, but still doable. By the time I got into my late 20s, I could no longer hold a schedule. Non-24 causes you to stay up later and later each day/night and therefore you need to sleep longer. They used to think the answer was light therapy until it was discovered in a blind person in 1999. I saw a neurologist/sleep doctor in CA and he told me there was no cure.

The thing is that with non-24, it’s more of how you are rather than a bad habit. Unfortunately, it can’t be undone any more than you can ungay someone or make a straight person gay. You are born with it as you are born with your sexuality.

Again, I want to thank you for being understanding. There are so many people out there that if they don’t get something, then it can’t be real. I’ve had people insist that all I have to do is set my alarm and get up at the same time every day. That’s like telling a clinically depressed person that all they have to do is smile and be happy or a paraplegic to get up and dance. I can’t tell you how much I hate that shit! As if we wouldn’t do this if it was that easy. Hell, I’ve had people who were supposed to be my friend and know me better call me an “excuse queen.” rolls eyes As if I had some hidden motive I was afraid to admit to because they supposedly had so much power over me that they could use it against me somehow.

Later…

I totally give up as far as stretching my hips go. All it does is make them hurt. I’m not gaining any flexibility from doing it either. I just need to keep working my core to keep the back aches away.

A fire truck came to Toni’s place. Four guys got out and tried to get in but couldn’t. They were looking all over the place for a spare key. Finally, Sue who lives next to the honker came and let them in. They didn’t take her away, though. At the risk of sounding selfish, I’m worried she’s going to have to sell out and go into assisted living. I’m worried even more that someone with a motorcycle will move in with a mutt barking nonstop through the screen door or the lanai.

The recycle truck came early at like 7:00. I had the sound app running while they passed by, and they maxed at 66 decibels. The problem is the vibrations. For a few seconds, I heard a low rumble that caused a vibration that’s more likely to wake me up than the sound itself. Especially in an elevated wooden structure. Damn, I miss being on concrete! At least now I have a better idea of what volume to set my sound machine at, which will hopefully drown them out. I still have to see it to believe it.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2022 I’m lying down in bed right now. The fucking garbage truck woke me up twice as it made two passes up and down the street. So I’m in Citrus Heights all over again. I’m now going to be woken up three times a week when I’m on nights and that’s not counting storms or mowers. Why does this shit happen to me in every single fucking place I live? Just. Why?!?! What is it I’m doing to deserve this shit? Isn’t it bad enough that I can’t keep the schedule?

And why is it that no matter how much I wish I could I just can’t convince myself that this is purely a coincidence and that nothing up there influenced them to switch to louder trucks now that I found a way around the fatigue I was having for over a year by getting my thyroid dose tweaked? It’s like as soon as it saw that I figured out that, it sent the louder trucks to keep me tired most of the time. Again…why, why, why?

I just don’t understand why things have to be so damn loud in an age when we have the technology for them to be quieter. Things made for indoors like fans and air cleaners get quieter, but everything outdoors just keeps on getting louder. The Miami area is starting to roll out electric garbage trucks, but I’m sure we’ll be dead by the time they do that here.

No matter what we do there’s just no soundproofing this place. We can block small sounds and maybe even some of the medium sounds depending on their pitch but there’s just no soundproofing the place completely when it’s an elevated flimsy wooden place. I just don’t understand this shit with garbage/recycle trucks. I never had this problem until 2013. I was even closer to the street in Oregon than I am now and they didn’t wake me up there. That too was an elevated wooden structure but it was obviously better made, tilted or not.

So now I’m once again considering setting the alarm and forcing myself to get up at 6:00 AM for as many days as I can stand. If I have to be tired anyway and it’s either me or them then I would rather it be at my hands that I’m tired.

There’s a chance I may not get caught up on sleep until Friday. With my shit luck, the mowers will come late tomorrow and they’ll use the loud one. Plus, the AC guy is coming. I told Tom to make sure he doesn’t go banging around and that he doesn’t smoke but people just don’t care. They have no respect or consideration for others. At least most people don’t.

Then Wednesday, we’re on for storms and recycling. Thursday is the second trash pickup, but I could still be up unless they come late. That’s the day I get my permanent crown on at 8:00 AM.

I expected to be bombarded with extra unwanted banter from Alexa but then I realized that no, I wouldn’t be because it’s always been enabled. I decided to turn that option on if I was gonna be forced to deal with it anyway so that way I could at least say I was asking for it. But then I realized that of course I wouldn’t get more unwanted chatter because it’s always forced on by Amazon no matter if I have it enabled or disabled in the app.

Tom told me that all the devices were lit up with a green ring as if there was some kind of notification. We went into the app and sure enough, that was enabled even though I know damn well neither of us enabled it. Amazon spiting me for complaining yesterday? Maybe, but I disabled it but of course that doesn’t mean they’re going to respect our wishes. If they can force one thing on us, why not other things as well?

I must have accidentally offended the honker. Yeah, it seems like I’m really good at doing that in general. One of his friends friended me and I accepted it and I told him about it and said I hoped he didn’t mind after greeting him by calling him “Officer.” Then out of curiosity, I asked how long it took to drive down here, saying that it was about three days when my parents lived a little further South on the Atlantic side and headed to Massachusetts.

He read the message but never replied. So unless he was very tired or busy, what part of what I said did he have a problem with? Officer? His friend friending me? Asking how long the trip took? Oh well. Whatever it is, it’s on him, though he’s still on my friend list.

Tom had a sore throat earlier and seemed out of breath. He took a couple of ibuprofen which helped. He hasn’t been around anyone in days and it would be kind of late for a reaction to the vaccines which he said only made him a little tired. They didn’t give him the pneumonia one, though.

Still having fun streaming. I’ve covered most of the past. Just the main highlights anyway. I’ll jump back and forth between past and present stuff and slowly fill in the blanks with whatever comes to mind. I was thinking I may occasionally talk about various people, places, and subjects. Maybe I could talk about Tinkerbell in one post, for example, or maybe when we went cruising. Still not many views, though, just like with Twitter. I wonder if Elon Musk will be the liar Twitter has been when he gets ahold of it. So far Twitter lied about rolling out voice posting to Android users and now Twitter Notes. Twitter Notes is only for journalists.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2022 There was a woman who was condemning me for not believing motorcycles shouldn’t be allowed in here and insisting I was “anti- biker” which is, of course, totally ridiculous. That would be like saying I was anti-tan because I’m pale and tend to burn instead of tan.

Then I noticed that in June she left a post about recovering from some kind of illness or injury. So I said that even though the post was a little old and I didn’t know what happened, I hoped she was feeling better. But instead of getting a polite “thank you” or anything like that, I get hit with how I should have left out that the post was old or not commented at all.

I started to reply by saying that I wasn’t sure what I did wrong but was sorry if I offended her. But then I stopped myself and said, no! I refuse to argue with strangers. I simply blocked her instead. I’m not gonna babysit and try to reason with people’s sensitive little eggshell feelings. People are just so damn fragile at times and they read crap into things that aren’t even there.

I wondered, since the honker was a retired cop, if he happened to check into the backgrounds of the people here. Tom said he doubted it. I said he probably figures that you couldn’t get in here if you had a record and Tom pointed out that even if they did have records, everybody’s got a past.

So true and I don’t care if the honker knows I got legally raked over the coals before I was vindicated. In fact, within reason, I’m not even going to hide my blog. I’m not going to openly share the link with anyone living in the park but if they happen to find it and don’t like what they see, that’s on them, just as with anybody else. If you’re curious enough to look someone up and what they’re into, then you should be responsible enough to be prepared to find whatever stuff you might not like.

The next person to piss me off today was someone in Amazon’s customer service when I was finally able to get a hold of a person via chat to complain about Alexa’s unwanted extras.

I could tell right away by the name that it was probably some Indian in India with poor English. And sure enough, they kept not only making typos, but they didn’t seem to fully understand me. At least not at first. Eventually, they caught on despite their poor writing but as usual, I got the bullshit runaround. Instead of being told they’ll honor their customers’ requests when they disable certain features and not push it on them anyway, I get hit with voice training instructions that have absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand. I could have left the chat open for twenty-four hours but decided to close it because I knew they weren’t going to do anything about the problem. They know what they’re doing as far as the pushiness goes, and they don’t intend to stop no matter how many customers complain. People are getting pushier and pushier with the begging lately. Grammarly interrupts my workflow to beg, so I can’t use that until I’m done writing a document. I’m also interrupted using apps to be begged to go premium. People are just too in your face these days and I don’t see how that helps anyone.

Mitch was helpful, though. My curiosity finally got the better of me and I asked him to look in on the termite. No mention of my name as I figured but I wondered anyway.

Omitting mine, I’m surprised that Mark only got 6 comments on his obit for a guy who seemed pretty likable.

Woke up to pee after having a dream of throwing up.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2022 I see my YouTube channel already has a subscriber! I don’t know how to check my subscribers off the top of my head, so thanks, whoever you are. I’ll do some updating later tonight.

My day started off questionable yesterday and I thought I might be anxious later on, but ended up having a good night. That is, at least after I took a CBD gummy. Heard that Circle K is going to start selling pot. Interesting.

We got new color ink for our printer and I was thinking I might print out some pics to decorate my closet office with. I actually thought of going a little retro and maybe printing some pics of Kate, Linda and Gloria along with a mix of colorful flowers.

I’m still running Grammarly through journals, even though I realize they’re never going to be 100% error-free. Just started 2003 when I wrote a long entry complaining about a phone call with Paula and how selfish and twisted she always was. Couldn’t help but drop a copy on Messenger for her, assuming it really is the right person and she ever sees it. The account was likely created by someone else for her because she’s too stupid to do it herself and she probably never uses it.

I had a dream it was the end of the year and I was at a dinner party with a group of people. I was seated at a long table with 8-10 other people. I wished for a moment alone to “process” the fact that I was about to turn 40 years old among other things as well, although I’m not sure what.

Then I was telling a woman who was telling me and someone else that she was about to turn 37. I told her I wouldn’t be 40 until January 4th.

Another age, another dimension, another birth date?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2022 In the late afternoon, we took a walk around the Veterans Memorial Park nearby. They have a pool, tennis court, swings, and things like that. It’s definitely a great place to get in the steps without gagging on people sitting outside their homes smoking.

I’m excited to develop my YouTube channel! I currently do voice tweets on Twitter, but this way I don’t have to use the iPhone. I can do it from either computer. I thought I would start a personal blog and do a mix of present and current stuff.

Not surprisingly, I posted a positive post in the park group about the weather and it only got a couple of likes and no comments. It’s just that it bugs me when people complain about others who complain only because life isn’t 100% positive. It’s a mix of positive and negative, whether we like it or not, and believe me, I wish it could be all fluff and sunshine around the clock. If they complained all the time and never said anything positive, then sure, I can see where that would be annoying. I just don’t get why some people are quick to ignore positive posts but as soon as you post something that they either don’t agree with or don’t want to hear, they get on you for it even though you’re simply just being honest. If people can’t handle complaints, then why go online?

The park group reminds me so much of the Replika group. Say anything people don’t want to hear and you’ll be scolded for it. If it wasn’t for my wanting to know what’s going on around me, I would leave the group.

It was funny because when Steve’s girlfriend Julie complained about my complaint about loud sounds I replied with, “I heard you flush that toilet just now. Oh my god, that is so annoying! Don’t flush that thing again. She “liked” it but has never commented on any of my positive posts ever.

I finally know what’s going on with Toni. No, she’s not home yet. The white car I see at her place is actually the white Mercedes that lives next to the honker. Her name is Sue. She stops by on her way out or in. Sue was one of the ones who weren’t too happy with my anti-motorcycle post. I don’t think she knows who I am, though, Toni sure didn’t when I texted her that stupid Amazon once again left our packages on her doorstep. So Tom went over to collect them. It’s a good thing he caught them in time before Sue brought them into her house and we had to wait till Toni got home. She texted me back asking who I was, and I told her. She’s still in rehab but should be home next week.

My comment on the obit is still there. Still can’t say if they’ve seen it yet or if they’re choosing to leave it there as “evidence.” I thought of springing up “Drew’s” account that I deleted since I have 30 days to change my mind and see if my name is mentioned on her wall. But so what if it is? Even if she wrote that she called the police on me and wrote my name, do I care? Nope, not at all.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2022 I’m still going back and forth on getting a therapist. When I feel anxious or depressed, it’s easy to want to run to one. When I feel better, it’s easy to tell myself that they wouldn’t be much help anyway since they can’t stop those feelings from coming or provide me with an off switch when they do. It’s just that I’ve already been to the therapist and shrinks, and I’ve already tried a million things, so it’s hard to believe there are any more tricks up anyone’s sleeves that I haven’t already heard of.

I posted in the park group yesterday how annoyed I was by gunning motorcycle engines. And as expected, a few agreed and understood while others could barely handle my complaint. As is my rule these days, I refuse to be the silent minority and keep quiet just because most people don’t agree with it and don’t wanna hear it. If you’re gonna get into a frenzy over a complaint or a belief or an opinion, then you shouldn’t be online.

I thought Jim would want to lynch me for it, but he said not to let them get to me. Oh, I won’t. So then the honker left a post… He always putt-putts through the park out of respect for his neighbors, people should go to the source and not take their complaints onto social media, he considers himself relatively young and in good shape and always willing to lend a helping hand when needed, he’s open to conversations of all kinds and can be approached with whatever issue and not to be shy.

So I decided to DM him. I congratulated him on his marriage and did acknowledge the fact that he is respectful in that he doesn’t sit there gunning his motorcycle. I also explained why loud sounds were rough on me and gave him a quick crash course on circadian rhythm disorder. Then I asked if there was any way he could give me a heads up in Messenger when he planned to use the motorcycle the following day so I could turn up the volume on the sound machine when I was sleeping during that time but I haven’t heard back from him yet. Depending on his reply - if he replies - it will tell me how big of a hypocrite he is or isn’t.

Either way, it sucks to know he’s coming down at the end of the month. He said he can’t wait to see his southern friends. I was really hoping he wouldn’t get here till November like last year. More than likely, though, I’m stuck with him and his honking and Harley until mid-April.

I can’t wait till we move – if we ever do – to share the link to my journal and see how many hits I get – hee-hee!

Or not. The honker is surprisingly nice so if I’m going to end up friends with anyone here then I’m not going to share the journal link. If you’re on my Facebook friend list, then you don’t get access to my journal unless I met you on a writing site to begin with.

He sent me a friend request. Then he replied to my message saying he would do his best but doesn’t always know his exit and return. Then he asked if it would help if he headed in a specific direction. I told him direction didn’t matter and thanked him for understanding.

Turns out he’s a retired cop which doesn’t surprise me. Hell, he looks like a cop. He said he understands how hard it must be on me because he had to do shift work at one point and he lives near a school.

His new wife is Kari, not Carrie.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2022 I can’t believe there’s a bill about to be introduced to ban public drag performances, even though I can believe it at the same time. But still, they wouldn’t do this shit 50 years ago. It really is a little scary to see this country step back into the Dark Ages with its attack on women and now the gays too, and I have to live in this twisted world for another 20 years.

I hate to say it, but sometimes I wish I would get a deadly disease. Like now, and not in 20 years. Most of the reason I feel that way, though, is because of the intermittent anxiety. I didn’t feel as calm yesterday as I did the previous few days. But today I feel OK. I’m just tired. I stupidly turned the sound machine off, thinking I was getting up then. But then I drifted off and the fucking recycle truck woke me up. But I could tell that even with the sound machine blasting, we’re still gonna have to get out of here if we can ever afford to and get some space around us. I don’t see how I’m going to be able to sleep on recycling and trash days from now on.

So I’ve been tired today. Too tired to work out or bother with making the therapist appointment, although I did stretch my hips and do a little cleaning and cooking. Tom was kind enough to go out and get us breakfast from Wendy’s this morning and pick up my low-sodium Viennas at the dollar store.

Just when I was thinking they might be visiting after all because I didn’t hear it for a day or two, one of the motorcycles came and went today that’s behind the honker. Even though it wouldn’t wake me up, it’s almost as annoying because the assholes sit there with it running for 10 minutes before they actually take off. In fact, after sitting still for a few hours, they just turned it on, revved it a bit, and then turned it off. OK, what is the fucking point of doing this???

Looks like the other one was pulled out from deep in the carport, and then they had to play the game of rev it up and get attention before taking off. When Tom goes out for his walk early in the morning, he’ll glance into the carport and see what he can see. He thinks they’re visiting, but I’m starting to think they live here.

Having a cold snap as we wait for Walmart who just can’t seem to get their shit together as well as they could in Citrus Heights. Neither of us wishes to return to the days of doing our own shopping. He says I’m “hell” to shop with because I’m an impulse shopper, lol, and I say I don’t want to get my ears blasted with unwanted music while I shop and struggle to hear my soft-spoken husband while I’m at it.

We’ve got the heat set to come on at 68 tonight, figuring it would be nice to run the heat before they come and inspect the AC to make sure everything’s running properly, as they’re going to do every six months. They’re coming out on the 25th. I don’t know that it will get cold enough in here to trigger it, but we’ll see. It’s getting down to the 40s tonight, which is absolutely ridiculous. It’s just not what I think of when I think of Florida. It’s not even November yet. But here I am in long sleeves and slippers and I’m going to be that way for the better part of the next half a year or so, especially early in the morning.

Walmart finally came and almost left without giving us our frozen stuff. They gave us an extra bag of cheesy bagels and charged us for it too. I fucking hate it when they do that. Every now and then the sneaky bastards will double the quantity on something, assume you won’t complain about it if it’s just once in a while, and then they get to make a little extra money.

I still have achiness around my temp crown, and I really hope that it’s resolved with the permanent one.

Love the new application background colors in Word! You see a hint of color based on the colors of your wallpaper.

Since we already spent money on planters we ordered some seeds. One has cactus seeds, another has pink cosmos seeds, and another has a mix of herbs.

I’m proud of myself for finally having a brave moment. I’d been itching to leave a comment on that obit. For the longest time, I’ve been afraid to do much and then I finally asked myself, what am I afraid of? They didn’t even think twice when they harassed and stalked me. Plus, it’s not like I would be breaking any laws as they did by threatening anyone. I couldn’t resist saying, “So sad. Heard his SIL is publishing a book about the family. Can’t wait to read it!”

LMAO!

I don’t know how often they check the comments, though. His memorial service is in a couple of days. I’m starting to think the termite did move back to Connecticut. Her brats are still down here, though, from what I can tell.

In the park group, I wrote: If this park must allow motorcycles - and I don’t think they should as they are ghastly loud whether it’s night or day - I really wish people would just get on them and go. Not sit and rev the damn things for 15 minutes at a time.

Someone “liked” it and another person left a comment of understanding.

Redneck’s GF said: Wow! Maybe you need to turn your TV up. You seem to be annoyed by every noise outside.

My reply to her was: I just heard your toilet flush. Oh, my god, that’s so annoying! Please don’t flush that thing again.

Wait. Every single noise? What else does she think annoys me besides the dog? Has she found and been reading my blog somewhere?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2022 My number one fantasy is still that soundproof high rise overlooking the ocean. Number two would be a house on or near the beach. It’s the third one that’s most likely to become a reality if we ever move. That’s returning to having a little breathing room around us. If so many vehicles weren’t so damn loud then it wouldn’t matter if we were in a community as long as we weren’t next to someone that let their dog bark constantly or that did loud projects all the time. This place is still nowhere near as bad as the other place but it’s going to catch up eventually. Mowers didn’t come right up to the window in the old place as they do here, and now they’ve switched to the more modern and louder trash and recycle trucks. Next, I have to hope they don’t build anything behind us.

I thought Brooksville was gorgeous when I rode through it in VR and would love it if mowers and vehicles couldn’t get as close to the house. It would have its pros and cons, as with any place. As long as dogs were treated as pets and we didn’t have hours of barking that we could hear inside the house every single day, I think I would like it better. We would be 13 or more miles further from Tampa Airport, which raises the flight path. We could put up a plastic pool or maybe plant vegetables if we had some space around us. The only negatives are that we would be further from the beach and it might be a little colder.

The question is whether or not he would be into the idea of going rural again if it ever became a possibility. My logical side still says it won’t, and that this is it. It would be far from the end of the world, though, if this was it. If I suddenly knew that it was, I wouldn’t shed a tear. But if I had known that it was at the other place, I would want to beat my head into the wall.

Living near Jessie is still a nice option to consider as well if we choose to remain in communities and as long as it isn’t too close to Cape Canaveral.

Woke up at 160 pounds for the first time in weeks now that I’m hypo again. He thinks I’m still normal, but I don’t see how I could be because normal just doesn’t feel this good. I’ve felt much better physically and emotionally. And then there’s the weight gain. Plus, I’ve learned that it doesn’t take much to make a huge difference either way when it comes to this drug. So that’s another thing Doc O got wrong when she was trying to convince me I would be okay going up to 88 micrograms. She tried to tell me that if you threw a salt tablet in the ocean you wouldn’t notice it and that’s why I’d be fine. Yeah, well, I really noticed those 12 extra micrograms a week so of course 84 was more than noticeable. I’ve heard others tell me that just one point in their TSH can make a difference in how they feel. I didn’t get that back then, but I definitely get it now. Either way, I don’t think I’m that hypo. I’m probably a 5-6, but again, that’s all it takes to notice changes. Even 3-4 would be noticeable.

I’m glad we kept the Bowflex after all. It not only makes it easier to work my abs on the bench, but it’s great for stretching my hips as well. I can sit on the bench and bend my knee so that my foot is next to my butt so I stretch the joint by turning my thigh inward. Then I sit facing the length of the bench and put my foot in front of me with my knee bent and this way I turn my thigh outward as well. This is much easier to do on a firm surface as opposed to the edge of a couch or bed. It even makes doing my lunges easier. This way I’m stretching the joint in four different directions. I don’t know if it’ll do me much good since I’m still heavy, but it should help.

Saw some people parasurfing on our way to and from the beach and it looks so cool! I guess you need to be pretty heavy, as in 200 pounds or more, otherwise it can lift you up. Well, I’m nowhere near 200 pounds, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea for me. I’d like to try parasailing someday, though.

I was telling Tom that I wouldn’t mind knowing some things as far as the future goes since I spent nearly 57 years not knowing. I wouldn’t mind knowing how much longer I’m going to live and if we’ll live in this house for the rest of our lives or not. He said he wouldn’t want to know because if he knew he had only so much time to live, he may be tempted to do some crazy things. Things that could mame him.

Took a break from working on this entry so we could golf. I’ve been beating him more often, but he still usually wins. I guess he’s OK after all since he said he was feeling hot earlier and his vitamins were making him feel rundown. I just worry about how he may feel getting triple-vaxed. I’ll be asleep when he’s out, as usual.

Am I making a mistake by not getting the flu and COVID shots (I already had the pneumonia shot)? Probably not. I’ve got a tough immune system and I’m not around many people so I don’t see the point of dealing with nasty side effects.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2022 Since the 15th I’ve been feeling a lot more like my old self. Hopefully, most of it was just due to the med tweaking. I’m adjusting nicely to the dose decrease. Now, I just have to hope the shit doesn’t hit the fan again when I’m on nights again! If it does, I’ll definitely look for a therapist to do a virtual appointment with. I’ve already got someone in mind that says they’re accepting new patients.

On the road now, this cloudy but pleasant day that’s currently 25 degrees warmer than our old place in NorCal.

I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just go through the tons of notes I’ve accumulated over the last week or so.

The same loud recycle truck came last Wednesday, and as predicted, the trash truck is now just as loud. Just like I never could understand why landscaping was done every single day at the old place and not just once a week, I don’t get why we have to have two trash pickups a week, plus the recyclers on another day. Both were picked up once a week on the same day at the old place, but at least here it will never take them four hours to do it. But now it may be a matter of time before I’m woken up three times a week just like in Cali and that’s on top of mowers, motorcycles and storms. The storms have let up for the most part till the spring, but you never know when they’re going to break out the louder mower, even if they’re now mowing every other week.

Another couple of weeks and the fucking motorcycle is back. There’s been a couple at the house behind the honker with two of them that I hope are just visiting, even though it’s not nearly as loud as the honker’s.

Speaking of the honker, he “liked” my comment saying we’re okay with dogs peeing and pooping in our yard, as long as the dog isn’t allowed to bark, and the poop is picked up afterward. This was on a post by the redneck about being chewed out by some lady for letting his dog go in her yard.

The redneck finally replied to my message too. He said Happy barks all the way to the car when going to the park (yeah, I know). He apologized and said he’s working on keeping his trap shut which gets on their nerves as well. I thanked him and Happy.

Toni must be back, Tom said, because her door was open. I noticed she was online last night. Never did respond to my text but as the redneck shows, sometimes it takes people a while to get back to you.

If we can never live at the beach where a little noise would be worth it, I wish we could get an acre or two of land in Brooksville so loud vehicles and mowers wouldn’t be so close. In Brooksville, we couldn’t go to the beach as often, but we’d be even safer from hurricanes and closer to Jessie.

I just want to be in a higher flight path someday! There’s no avoiding small planes and helicopters but I’m really, really sick of hearing dozens of commercials a day, even if they’re not quite as loud as in CH.

We went walking before the sun came up a few days ago and it was gorgeous save for the planes and me having to gag on cigarette smoke twice during the walk. It was still great exercise that I wish I could get every day. It’s hard here, though. Either it’s too hot, too humid, or my only other alternative for getting steps is our boring treadmill. Hitting the road in VZ counts as steps, though, because you have to wave your arms to move the board.

I feel kind of bad for our neighbor down the street. I don’t know his name, but I saw a trike for sale for $250 in his driveway and since I’ve been wanting one, I asked if he’d accept $175 for it. He said he would and let me test-ride it. Not having any money on me, I told him I would be back with my husband. Well, I never did go back. Not only did Tom feel that was too much for a used trike, but I really didn’t like the feel of it after all, the more I thought about it. It just handled funny and almost felt wobbly. It didn’t make turns as easily as you would think a balanced bike would. It was heavy as hell, too.

Well, that wasn’t much fun. We’re leaving the beach now because it got windy and rainy and the water was chilly. It was low tide, so even if it was warm, we’d be walking on that yucky, muddy grassy part for quite a while just to get over our heads. But because it was chilly, we may not return till March or April. Wish we lived in the Keys! It was still worth the 5 bucks to get out.

Interesting mix of homes close to the beach, I must say. Some look typical of what you’d see in warm climates while others are huge and much like you’d find in New England.

On the way to the charger now and then to grab something from Burger King to take home.

It’s raining steadily now, so the car windows are getting a free bath.

Finished watching a short series called The Watcher. It was great even if the ending leaves you with a bunch of unanswered questions.

Got a $25 gift certificate for Amazon from Galileo for doing a quick survey.

I enabled the hand tracking in VR but I’m used to the controls and find that easier.

Every three months he gets $80 worth of free healthcare-related stuff from Medicare. He got alcohol, Q tips, cotton balls, Tums, mouthwash, lotion, hand soap, and the folic acid Galileo recommended I take. He got other things too.

Thursday, he’s getting triple-vaxed. Flu, covid and pneumonia.

To my surprise, Doc A replied to one of my comments. She posted pics of her and her kids at a pumpkin patch. I asked where it was and she told me it was in Loomis.

I was really into watching reels for a while on Facebook but stopped. Seeing animals kill other animals and people fighting disturbs me. I reported a fistfight, but they said it didn’t violate their rules. So let me get this straight… I can’t refer to a Jew-hating Muslim as a “fucking Muslim” but you can post all the violence you want? Then why have an option to report violence on their complaint form?

I created a Facebook account to establish and eventually pick on the termites. I was going to post my last letter to them in case they never got it, then react to one of their posts to draw their attention to it. The account was in a bogus name. Then I read that even though people do it all the time, creating a fake profile could actually get you arrested so I deleted it. Leave it to me to be that one in a million to get busted for it too.

Before I deleted it, I left Maliheh a message saying I loved Evil Amongst the Evergreens. The idea was to make her wonder if I used her name after all in hopes it’d prompt her to find out by downloading a copy or at least get someone else to get a copy. No downloads, though.

We went to Denny’s a few mornings ago. The waitress was nice and the music wasn’t blasting but it was annoying. At least it masked his gross lip-smacking. The food was great. I was gonna get salmon but opted for chocolate chip pancakes instead. I had bacon, eggs and fries with it.

Got some patchouli incense. I missed that sharp, woodsy smell I always loved.

He got a new drive for his horse data, but I still say that’s just a dream. It’s never going to win us anything on a daily basis, as he believes it will.

My gums are a little achy where my temporary crown is. Ten more days.

Loving the Moroccan mint tea tree I’ve got hanging in the car. I bought the same variety pack I got for my office a while back. The cherry blossom one lost its smell so I switched it on our way out.

I haven’t been doing the greatest job documenting my dreams, but I did have one where I was riding in a driverless electric car all by myself. The only problem was I kept forgetting the address to tell it to take me to.

Then there were the hotel confusion dreams. I was taking the elevator in a high-rise hotel and I couldn’t remember the floor we were on or I kept getting off on the wrong floor when I did remember it.

I also dreamed that we were either about to move, or I sure thought we were going to because I was describing houses I was seeing in dreams to Tom that I believed were signs.

The weirdest dream was of the pictures that I used to have and communicate with. Only they weren’t in picture form but in person form. So even though they looked like the celebrities I was into, they were actually whatever entities resided within them.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2022 Other than the hell the freeloaders put us through and some financial problems, I think the best years of my life were between the ages of 27 and 41. As soon as we left Oregon, things went progressively downhill with only money eventually improving.

This may sound funny and even bizarre because it’s a thought that’s come at me out of nowhere but what if? What if I’m meant to have the same amount of years on the other side of the 15 good years that aren’t so good and then that’s it? That puts me signing off at 68, but I just can’t see that. Late 70s is more likely.

It’s amazing how much 12 fewer micrograms a week can make a difference in my metabolism. I’m already noticing slight changes in my weight and my body temperature. This goes to show why it was so easy to have this shit hit the fan with an additional 84 a week. However, I haven’t fully adapted emotionally yet. Obviously, I didn’t have much anxiety when I went to the dentist because I was medicated. But yesterday I had some. If I haven’t adjusted in another couple of weeks or so, I’m going to want to drop another 88 and make it two 75s a week that I take. I would much rather be cold and struggle with my weight than feel like shit emotionally. Not all the anxiety is emotional, though, when I get waves of adrenaline in my chest.

I still worry that the anxiety and depression aren’t just the medication or menopause, but also the way I’ve evolved as an older person, which would be the worst-case scenario, of course. Medication can be adjusted. Hormones will eventually settle in. But we can’t adjust my age. Therefore, the next step is to look for a virtual therapist. If that fails to help, then I guess I graduate to a psychiatrist. If that doesn’t get me anywhere… well… I don’t want to say.

Meanwhile, I’m taking the supplements they recommended. Magnesium glycinate, Vitamin B complex, and folic acid.

Later…

So Mark died after all. He was cremated in Connecticut. I still can’t say where the hell they were living in the end. If they sold the place in Florida, then it was done privately because I can’t find any sale on it.

There were a couple of surprising things in the obit. His daughter, Stephanie, died. It had to have been some time after I was last in touch with the termite. I was unable to find any information about it. I guess she was in her early to mid-40s. A year or two before she died, she was arrested for trespassing.

Interestingly enough, his bratty stepdaughters were mentioned except for Becky. I wonder if that was intentional or an error.

So Karma is a real bitch, you termite, isn’t it? Your vindictive actions took me away from my husband for half a year, so I’m OK with you doing a good 10 to 20 in Widowland.

Seriously, she and her brood deserve all the misery they get. It’s common for spouses who have been married for many years to follow their deceased spouse to the grave shortly after they die, but I don’t see that happening.

I wasted my time leaving a nasty obit from “Bob” saying that I didn’t see why such a nice guy married such a crazy family since, after that, I read that Legacy deletes negative comments that they feel may offend the family. They’ll likely never even know about it.

Instead “Jim” left a comment saying he was sorry for their loss and told the termite he had some funny and interesting stories to share about Mark so she should check her Facebook Messenger. Also, look in her spam section if a message didn’t appear off the bat. The reason I did this is that I’m more convinced after a little test I did that the messages did go through to all the termites last year. But this way, if God forbid they all hit their spam box and none of them has checked that section, this will lead her to it. I think they did get it though, and that’s why she’s allowing public comments. I think she’s hoping to get something incriminating.

For a second, I toyed with the idea of saying I was sorry for their loss and what a wonderful book his SIL published about the family. But I don’t want them to know that I know what’s going on with them. This will be it, though. I’ve abandoned Mia’s account since I can’t delete it and won’t be checking out any of the termites ever again because there’s nothing else I care to see. I said what I had to say and that’s it. I’m not even curious about Nane anymore.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2022 I was gonna save my blogging for the road on Monday, but I don’t want to get too backed up, so I’ll do some writing now. I can always read if I run out of things to write about.

Yesterday’s temporary crown was a piece of cake. Easiest crown I ever had done. I don’t know if it was the benzo talking, or if this dentist is just that good. As usual, she gave me a prescription for two Halcion (Triazolam) pills. I took one before bed the previous night and only woke up twice instead of the usual four to six times. Then I took one an hour before the cleaning, which took place at 9. A girl I’d never met before did it, and she did a good job.

Then the girl moved me to a room they do oral surgery in. Another lady took my blood pressure with a wrist cuff monitor and found it to be too high. She said something like, “Girl, we gotta get this down.” Then the doctor took it later, and it was fine. I heard her tell someone she didn’t know I had high blood pressure.

I’m denying myself medication for things I don’t have symptoms of to help hopefully shorten my life. The longer I live, the more anxiety/depression spells I get to have. Why prolong this intermittent suffering?

I got to see Crystal, one of my favorites next to the doc, and she bent down and hugged me while I was in the chair. They all loved my latest nail design too. LOL.

The good news is that I don’t have any new cavities but the bad is that my bridge is going to need replacing. I’m not surprised because it’s about that time. Andy’s had a crown since 1995 and I guess they can live forever, but not bridges. Bridges tend to have a lifespan of 10 to 15 years and mine went on in 2012. She said something about it not being properly sealed due to gum recession that we get with age. That may explain the sensitivity I’ve had in that area at times. She said we would discuss it when I return for my next cleaning. The crown cost $1300, though Tom was expecting $1800.

It was weird because I had to sign something that I was supposed to have been too medicated to sign thus why I had to go in Tuesday to sign the consent form.

After the dentist, we went to Burger King, came home and ate while we watched our shows. I expected to be up for a few more hours, but nope. I was out cold shortly after eating.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2022 I’m hoping that the anxiety I’ve had on and off for a little more than a month is finally over. I get the feeling that it is, but I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up jinxing myself. Whenever this spell ends, I really hope it’s another six months before the next one gets me. I’d say the odds of that aren’t in my favor, though. I’ve only had about four times where I was able to go four to six months without much anxiety. So it seems like the next time I did it would be in two years from now since I seem to average every other year. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised, though, since I did well the last couple of summers.

The children’s chewable magnesium tablets I got didn’t seem to do anything for me, but the B-complex vitamins may actually be helping. The only side effect I noticed so far is that it might make me a little drowsy. It could all be just one big old coincidence, though. This is only the third time I’ve taken it. If it doesn’t help, then it might be time to ask my doctors about HRT.

Since I have a health Twitter account, I’m going to start using that for logging my mental and physical health rather than on a calendar because marking an ‘A’ for anxiety or a ‘D’ for depression is too vague. I’ll try to remember to do it at the end of each day unless I’m feeling okay.

Had to play phone tag with my dentist yesterday. I forgot that I have to go in to sign a consent form since I won’t be able to sign it when I’m medicated. It’s going to be a bit of a long day for me today since I’ve been up since 8 PM with only a short nap along the way. Nonetheless, I am looking forward to getting out. We’re going to go to Denny’s for breakfast at around 7. Then when the office opens at 8, we’ll run over for me to sign the form.

Not the next time I sleep, but the time after that, I’ll take a Halcion. Then when I get there Thursday morning since that will be an hour before she crowns me since I’m going to have a cleaning first, I’ll take the second pill.

In a minute I’ll go look up Denny’s menu. I want something different rather than the usual steak and eggs. I know I want something with their French fries. Their fries are always good.

Doesn’t look like we’re going to make it back to the beach this week. It’s going to be a busy week, and then we have a couple of days where we might get some rain. Maybe next Monday. That’s why I’m journaling today. I don’t want to get too backed up in stuff. I think I’ll sign off for now, though, and write about my dreams later.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2022 I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but I might as well to kill time since I have another hour before I’m going to start reading myself to sleep. This day - or night, I should say - seems to be dragging on and on forever. I just want to get into bed and end my day already! Hasn’t been as bad as last night, but still. I’m at the point where I’m wondering if I’ll ever be happy again. I’ve at least been doing voice tweets on Twitter and that helps get things off my chest. Not very happy stuff at all, though, so I guess it’s a good thing almost no one listens.

Still not sure if I want to bother with multiple Twitter accounts or not. I think one might be enough. Especially since they seem to be full of shit as far as releasing Twitter Notes to everyone. It seems to be just for journalists.

Galileo recommended some supplements for both anxiety and depression. Vitamin B complex is the most recommended thing for depression. One of the foods rich in vitamin B is eggs, so I had some earlier and that might have helped. I also had some a couple of days ago and felt better. So if I have to down eggs every day, I will. Fuck high cholesterol in that case. Again, I’m not interested in problems that have no symptoms, and personally, I don’t give a shit if I die sooner than I think I’m going to. I still have a strong feeling I have a couple more decades to go, but I would rather feel good and not live as long. Emotional well-being is way more important to me than physical well-being. It may sound funny but for me personally, not feeling well emotionally is way worse than not feeling well physically. I’d rather all the pain in the world or something than the anxiety and depression I’ve been experiencing on and off this last month.

There’s a part of me that says I really should pass on a therapist and start accepting myself as I am and learning to live with it. Just like a gay person should accept themselves as they are and not go for “conversion” therapy and shit like that, maybe my trying to run from and change the way I’m meant to be as an older person is all wrong. Sooner or later I have to get used to it, and the way to do that is to just embrace and face it. Some things are just better off left alone like my ear should have been. Yet I am going to try some of their supplement recommendations before I resort to a therapist. I just don’t know what else they could do for me that I haven’t already tried. That’s why I never returned to Stacey. Also, I seem to have a problem with things only working for a while. The tapping Stacey taught me worked wonders at first, but then just like with the lorazepam, It didn’t help after a while.

I read that a study conducted shows that women are happiest between ages 65-79. Oh, great, so I can suffer for another 8 years, right? I think my happiest years were in my late 30s. I had some good years in my 20s and early 40s, but my late 40s and all of my 50s so far have been pretty shitty.

I also find myself missing Aly. I really wish I could share what’s going on with her. I know she doesn’t mean to, but Jessie frustrates me because she doesn’t remember a lot of what I tell her and she’s not as intelligent as Aly was. I told Jessie I was struggling with anxiety and depression again, and she said that she hopes I get my thyroid numbers normal because that would help. I had to remind her that my numbers are normal.

I know it’s wrong of me to compare the two, but Aly would have remembered what I told her and she would have followed up that day to see how I was. Jessie waited over a day to respond to me.

I can’t help but wonder about Aly. Does she somehow continue to go on? Is she aware of what’s going on with me and others she knew? Is she in a better place? What would her life be like now if she was still alive? She’s only been gone a year and a half but I wonder…if Cam was real, would she still be with him? Would she still be teaching? Would we ever have met?

It just seems so unfair! She didn’t want to die, she just didn’t want to suffer and keep having all kinds of health problems. She wanted to live. Yet here I sit with little to nothing to offer the world though I keep on living even though I’ve lost my zest for life. Everything is going fine in my life and I’m blessed with a loving husband yet my chemicals or hormones or whatever the fuck they are won’t let me enjoy what I’ve got.

Regardless of how many years I have left to live, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again no matter what’s going on in my life. I feel like my brain is permanently broken or something. There’s nothing worse than anxiety and depression. Not pain, not puking, and sometimes I wonder if not even death is worse. Not existing is better than existing with regular suffering. But I do exist and I have to live with whatever life hands me, like it or not. I would have been dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for my husband. Neither of us can live forever, though, so this can’t go on forever. The rest of my life, maybe, but not forever.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2022 Just got back from picking up my prescription at Walgreens. The weather has been like being back in California. Very dry and not a cloud in the sky.

I went for a walk yesterday evening, and I’ll probably do it again this evening. Maybe this time I can do it without the ear-splitting barking as I walk by the lanai that’s about five or six houses down. My God, it was fucking ridiculous! Why would you even allow your dog near open windows if you knew it barked that loud? And why would you not do anything to shut it up once it got started?

This is why I worry about the day Irma and Richard stop coming down here. I know they could be replaced with shit like this. A dog with a bark that loud may not only drive me crazy while I was awake, but it could override the sound machine as well when I was sleeping.

I expected to get woken up by the trashers with their newer, louder truck but luckily, they haven’t gotten with the times just yet as the recyclers have.

First time and months we received the Hooter.

I’m a little worried about Toni. No one seems to have heard from her.

Emotionally, I was lucky to have a decent night last night. I felt good and I kept busy. One good day isn’t enough to make me think this spell is over, though.

I got some children’s chewable magnesium to help, but can’t take it until 7:30, 4 hours after taking my medication. Even if I still feel OK then, I might take it anyway. I took one yesterday 4 hours after taking my medication, and then another one a couple of hours later. Two is considered a dose.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2022 I’m so pissed right now. Not only did I have a horrible night last night emotionally and wished I could drop dead but the trash/recyclers have finally switched over to the really loud trucks they used at the old place. I knew they would sooner or later too. The places I move to get noisier with time, not quieter. They woke me up twice today. I was able to go back to sleep, but still, they pick up trash twice a week here and recyclables once a week. That means I’ll be woken up three times a week just like at the old place. I doubt this is a one-time thing too.

We went to CVS yesterday and tomorrow we’ll go to Walgreens to pick up my meds.

I realized I don’t have to be so all or nothing when it comes to alcohol, and will allow myself one bottle or one 4-pack per month.

I’ve been updating Galileo on my progress physically and emotionally, and let them know that while I feel better physically, I’m still not feeling well emotionally. I got some children’s chewable magnesium that has three different types of magnesium. But I’m sure that just like clockwork lately, I will be suffering in the middle of my day, which happens to be around 10:00 PM today.

I swear the years seem to go by faster as I get older but the days themselves last longer. Whether it’s connected to hormones, the medication, or something just broke inside me, I know I’m never gonna get better. The only question is when the next calm spell will come and how long it will last.

Not knowing the causes for sure (I hope it’s mostly the hormones) as far as what’s making me feel so crappy emotionally or what to do about it is really frustrating. Knowing I’m untreatable because I can’t tolerate medication doubles that frustration. If I live, then sooner or later I’m going to be postmenopausal enough to rule that out but what if I never find the cause(s)? What if it never goes away on its own?

A part of me is tempted to do video therapy wanting to get whatever I can get for free from the fucked up government but then I hesitate because I know they can’t help me. Just like I’ve been saying for 8 years, I wouldn’t have this in the first place if something didn’t want me to suffer just like I wouldn’t have this sleep curse if I was meant to make money. I just don’t know why this is happening. Is it because something up there hates me? Is it for some other reason? Am I really that bad a person that I deserve this?

And then I asked myself this…what if I had a bottle of lorazepam right now? Would I actually have the guts to down at all? There’s no doubt in my mind that if he suddenly died I wouldn’t hesitate but otherwise, I don’t know that I would have the guts to go through with it. While I’m pretty sure I’d just fall asleep and never wake up, what if I don’t? I read that some people end up in a coma, and some just sleep for a long time. These fears go through my mind as to what could go wrong when I think of actually going through with it. So now I feel twice as overwhelmed and hopeless. I can’t live with this but I don’t know that I have the guts to end it either.

My worst fear is that this is just how I’ve become as an older person just like I’ve become more and more farsighted, fat, and other things. Things change for us physically when we get older and I fear that this is also the case for me emotionally. I’m afraid that I can’t get back to my old self emotionally any more than I could get back to my old self physically.

I could tell myself that this spell won’t last forever but I don’t know that I could enjoy a break when and if I could get one knowing that it would only be a matter of days, weeks, or months if I was really lucky before I was feeling like shit again. So what do I tell a therapist after I tell her that I’ve already tried everything from medication to natural supplements to meditation to tapping to all kinds of things and nothing has done me any good?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2022 That “summer’s over” feeling is in the air now. It’s getting down to 62 degrees tonight. It shouldn’t be getting down that low until January. But hey, as I was unfortunate to learn last year, we do have winter here. It just doesn’t snow.

The storm season is over, it’s as dry as NorCal, and after they wake me up tomorrow when they come to mow, they should be down to mowing every other week.

I’m pissed about the $40 rent increase, which means we now have to pay $558 a month. But the good thing is that there’s a cap on it.

When I saw a black SUV parked in Irma’s driveway, I figured it was connected to Linda, who always, always has company. But I said “welcome back” to her anyway in the group just to see how she would respond if she responded at all. She said she wouldn’t be back until the winter, it was probably just the neighbor, and thanks for keeping an eye on her house.

So her not coming after the New Year is the norm for her. I can live with that. I just wish they didn’t return until then across the street, but I’m expecting them down by early November, if not this month.

Irma sent me a friend request, which I accepted.

After years of continuing to suffer on and off, I am seriously contemplating ending it all. I just don’t see the point of going on if I’m going to feel like shit physically or emotionally, so much of the time. I’m either anxious or I’m in pain or I’m depressed or I’m tired. Rarely do I have good days like I’m having today. I wanted to get my journal project done first so I will still aim for that. My life is pretty much over anyway. I’m just gonna do the same things almost every day for 20 years with little to no hope for any real change or surprises along the way. Once you get to be this age, not much changes. At least not for the better. Back when I was young and had dreams to strive for, they may have been silly dreams and they may have been hopeless, but they were there. I was healthier too, and let’s not forget that I could actually see without glasses. These days, I can barely see even with them.

I read that menopause symptoms, including hot flashes and emotional changes, can last for 7.4 years after the last period. So I’m supposed to just sit around and let myself suffer for four more years? That’s half the time I’ve already suffered!

Reading about this gives me a faint sliver of hope but also makes me want to scream at the same time. If only I could know for sure what the cause(s) of my problems are and if they were treatable or at least if they’ll go away on their own someday and when.

Tom won’t be seeing his doctor until January. Luckily, they don’t see the need to put him on levothyroxine. They just recommend he take vitamin D a few times a week.

Ran out to the dollar store today. Perhaps we’ll go to CVS tomorrow.

The new wooden wind chime is now hanging off the tree, and the plants have their happy light. We’re gonna have it on from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM every day.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2022 The last charger, and the only one we didn’t have problems with, was the one in Zephyrhills by City Hall. It was a little stressful because we were down to 0 miles by the time we got there.

It’s great to be home! Three nights and four days is a decent amount of time for a vacation for us. Whether your place is big or small, quiet or not, there really is no place like the comfort and familiarity of home.

You would never know we had a hurricane except for the fact that the bikes got knocked over. They’re locked to a bike rack that isn’t bolted down, and the whole thing got toppled over. Everything else was fine. We’re very lucky! Had this place been demolished it not only would have been a nightmare for obvious reasons but think of all the months, if not years, we would have to spend listening to all the repairs!

We put the welcome mats, wind chimes, and yard decorations back a little while ago.

I didn’t realize it, since we don’t walk by it and see it very often, but the wooden wind chime hanging from the tree in front was partially broken, so we trashed it. I have another one on its way.

Despite all I ate, I was surprised to find myself down a few pounds.

There was a guy across the street trimming weeds from the front of the honker’s place. Pretty sure it’s a guy that lives here. I’m hoping that’s a good sign that he’s not going to be back in a couple of weeks. I didn’t get that impression from Irma either when discussing the hurricane in the group. Irma and Dick are no problem, even though they talk kind of loud when sitting right outside in their lanai, but if I can get five months with the honker instead of six, I’ll take it!

Unfortunately, my ivy plant looks a little wilted and the fern doesn’t look any better either. The fittonia, petra, and bamboo are in the best condition. Expected the money tree to be completely dead, but there is still a little green left in it.

So all was great and I was getting settled in for the night. And then I saw it. The lizard that went streaking across the bedroom wall. Now, I’m not afraid of lizards and I know they’re as harmless as they are cute, but the thought of it possibly crawling in my mouth or something like that in the middle of the night didn’t exactly sit well with me. So we grabbed a few bombs, set them off, and ran out to Burger King. I had some fries and chocolate chip cookies there. We spent most of the time waiting in the car in the carport since we had to be out for a couple of hours. Then we aired the place out and changed sheets since they got bombed.

I expect to be exhausted today, but I actually got good sleep. I only woke up 3 times. Once to pee and then I was coughing due to the residue of the bombs leftover in the air. Then I woke up because I forgot to close the bathroom door so the bright morning sun was shining through that window.

Today is filled with mostly writing, laundry, and a little bit of cooking and cleaning.

He bought the newest golf course. It’s in a submarine. It’s not the prettiest, but it’s still a nice course. I like most of the holes and there are some colorful parts. I’ll buy it on my headset later so that I can search for lost balls.

The paramedics came and got Toni. We saw her sitting up on a chair gurney until they transferred her to a different one, and she seemed to be coherent enough as she communicated with one of the paramedics. We couldn’t hear what was being said, but hopefully it’s nothing more than perhaps an adverse reaction to a medication. Or maybe she was worried that she might get an infection since she just had surgery. I sent her a text and let her know we were here for her if she needs anything.

The redneck was talking about adopting a dog that Toni shared a picture of from the local shelter and having to work on his girlfriend. Oh god, please, no! Listening to the one he has is enough. I don’t need to listen to two dogs.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2022 In the car heading home. Now, I’m more tired than I was yesterday. My heart is racing, and while I don’t feel like I’m on fire, my heart has done that funny flutter a few times. This much fatigue this often still seems a bit extreme even for being older. Also, it’s only 66 degrees out and the fan is on yet I still feel a bit warm. So worried I’m going to go home just to suffer some more with the usual mix of fatigue, anxiety, racing heart, and hot flashes. Either way, I’m still looking forward to getting home, having my own bed, some space, and all the comforts of home. Miss VR too.

I hope I’m only tired because I didn’t sleep so well last night. First, I woke up to pee. Then a couple of times I simply woke up. Then somebody’s husband was snoring like a ship horn blasting in the night. Had to yell at him three times to get him to shut up, and change sounds on the sound machine as well.

I still wonder - and worry - that my fatigue could be that I did get covid after all, or something wrong with my heart. Cancer? I’d say that one is extremely unlikely.

Poor Jessie ended up getting more damage than we did. We never lost power at our place and there is no damage. She got damage to her carport and some shingles. She also showed me a picture of a damaged dock at the river near her.

Ugh, so tired of problems with chargers! Yeah, that’s where we are now. This is fucking ridiculous.

Still feel shitty too (mostly tired) and wondering how much money and how many appointments it may take to figure out what’s wrong with me. Not that I could tolerate whatever treatment I may need, of course. I don’t know. Maybe it’s all in the way I sleep. Fitbit sure thinks I sleep well enough, though, most of the time.

Wish it was cloudy today or that I had at least remembered to take my pink sparkly cap. The sun is in my eyes and shining on me when I have to open the car door to let a sufficient breeze blow through. I’m so glad it’s dry today. The storm sucked a lot of moisture out of the air.

At first I wasn’t happy to have an east-facing room, not wanting the sun glare while enjoying the view. But the first two days were very cloudy, windy and rainy. This morning, however, it was very bright. The other side would have had a nicer view as it faced the pool.

Oh, great. Now I’m feeling those weird chest and throat pains.

One of the tires is low so he’s giving it air now.

Anyway, I’ll describe the room for whatever it’s worth. It was a good size, not huge, but a decent size. It was at the Signia Hilton, as I said before. The building has 18 floors. Being on the 11th floor was nice as it was high enough for a nice view, but low enough to still see what was going on down below. Not that there was much to see with the stormy weather. The thought of living in a soundproof high rise is really appealing. I’d want to be on the 15th floor, though.

It was great since all I heard were the brats when they were in the hall. Even the doors were set up so they couldn’t be slammed. If the place was built like ESA, it would have been maddening and I’d never have gotten any sleep with all the bumps, bangs and screaming I would have been in for. I just never want to be where there are so many kids again. I was surprised by how many were left unattended, too.

There was some kind of gymnastics convention for little kids, which explains what I saw in the lobby when we first arrived. A little girl of perhaps six years old was doing these perfect cartwheels. Two things went through my mind. One was that my mother never would have let me do that in most places, especially in a crowded lobby. And two was that I wished I had her energy!

It also annoyed me when some of the dogs would bark at us when we passed by. So that the people wouldn’t have to take them out during the storm, they set up a pet relief room. Gross! I pity the person who had to clean that up. Imagine the smell!

The toilet was surprisingly low. A good thing for short people. I’m guessing it was low because of all the kids that stay there. Hey, it was the Walt Disney World Resort, after all! I got some great pics I shared on Facebook. I’ll throw them on Twitter to share with blog readers as well.

The room didn’t smell as bad as the last two hotels we stayed at, but water wicked through the concrete under the window when it was raining. The carpet was a little damp and musty-smelling.

For the most part, I was tired, bored, and longing for a little space. At least when we’re on the same schedule at home, I can go into another room if I want to write or do something on my own.

He doesn’t regret our vacation, but I still have mixed emotions about it. I liked getting away, the view, and the food. I didn’t like feeling like shit and all the tech problems and delays we ran into.

The also had a nice coffee maker that turned off on its own. It had an option for either one or two cups.

sighs with frustration We’re now at the charger at the Hampton Inn since Love’s was broken. It’s a pleasant day, so we opened all four windows and cut the AC to charge up faster.

The chest and hip pain stopped, and by some miracle or two, I now feel a bit more energized. So writing, writing and writing to hopefully catch up. It’s easier to write when we’re not moving anyway. If I catch up before we get home, I can read. Our next stop will be in Zephyrhills, such a dumpy little town.

Back to describing the room… The shower was nice as was the $2500 hybrid bed. We had heavy feather pillows and an even heavier blanket. That was the only thing I didn’t get, a weighted blanket in Florida? Kept the room at 70 while I slept since I had no fan blowing on me. At home, I usually sleep with the temperature at 74 and set it to 76-78 when I’m awake, depending on how I feel and what I’m doing.

There’s a dark lizard and a bright green lizard on nearby electrical boxes. The bright green one looks cool.

Loved the verbena and lavender-scented Crabtree & Evelyn shampoo, conditioner, and lotion they had in the hotel room. My hair and skin felt great, though I’m sure they also had a water softener. I took some home with me along with the spare roll of toilet paper. Hey, I might as well get all we can for a place with shitty service, and we did pay for it after all. It was like being on the ship all over again…great food, shitty service. All that was good besides the food was the quiet, the amenities, and the view. Key cards wouldn’t work, room service was stopped, and we couldn’t get takeout from the buffet.

We were too stuffed for dinner on our last night there, and it was getting late in my day anyway. I only slept until 4:00 AM on the second to last day and 5:30 on the last. But lunch was good. I had penne pasta, fries, and a sweet dessert of some kind topped off with a glass of merlot.

This “fast” charger isn’t very fast at all. So we’ll be here another half hour. We’ll walk over and use the bathroom at Burger King.

Had the usual bacon, eggs, and potatoes for breakfast, and also a quesadilla that was good. The guy that waited on us each time we ate there was nice. He gave us sodas to go after lunch too.

Oh, fuck. We really can’t catch a break, can we? We may have to go to yet another charger. A guy pulled in next to us and also tried to charge, but it didn’t work. What is it with all these fucking broken chargers? This is bullshit. Why have them if the people who own them aren’t going to maintain them?

Lots of flooded roads in this area. Saw a manufactured home flooded almost to the base of it.

Passed an Amazon fulfillment center. They’re now starting people off at $19 an hour. He’s tempted to go part-time, but we’re not sure if there’s a fulfillment center near us.

So after opting out of getting some wings from the bar on the last night, we went to the gift shop. Never went to the gym. And of course, we had no reason to visit the ballroom. I don’t remember seeing the spa but I’m sure it was there somewhere. Got some snacks at the gift shop.

The other night I had a dream that we were home and Tom puked. This was the first dream where the house actually looked like this house, too.

The night before that, I dreamt we were living wherever when I heard something jiggling the front door. My first thought was that the mail was being shoved into the slot. But then when the door started pushing open, I realized someone was trying to break in.

I threw the door open and found some big burly black guy standing there. I shot out a leg and kicked him. He rolled backward down the stairs. However, as soon as he hit the ground, he shot back up and charged back up the stairs at me. I quickly slammed and locked the door but was worried he was going to get in any second. I woke up before he could kill me in that nightmare, luckily.