#im also really anxious and sad about how I’m going to afford/live with another cat

[floral-hex]

BABY WATCH 2024!

First 24 hours with the new kitten. Thought it was a she, but did a closer inspection earlier and I’m leaning towards a he.

Anyway, the good stuff: he is the sweetest, most well behaved kitten I have ever seen. He’s an angel. He spent most of last night sleeping on my chest. I haven’t had such an actively affectionate cat in ages. The two I have now are sweet, but they don’t really cuddle. This little dude does. This little dude is awesome. He follows me around, doesn’t get into things he’s not supposed to, and instantly knew how to use a litter box. If he wasn’t so young, I’d think he was an abandoned indoor cat. But he’s baby. My baby. Still needs a name, though.

The not so good stuff: I DO NOT need another cat! I live in a small apartment with two other adult cats and a small dog. New cats are also expensive! He’s gonna need shots and to get fixed and, to be painfully honest, I really don’t know if I can afford that now. Shit, I’m basically out of (human) food until I can get some cash on friday. It’s rough. I’m really anxious. I love this little guy. I didn’t just pick a random kitten. I’d seen him outside a couple of times and I just… I hated the idea of this way too trusting little guy trying to survive out in the world. He just kept crying out at me and following me. There are other stray cats around, but this one is so small and so sweet and he followed me home and he loves me so much I literally started crying while holding him bc I didn’t want him to ever have to fight just to survive out there. I hate it. I mean, I love him, but it does make me feel kind of sick inside bc I know it’s not exactly a smart decision to take in a stray right now. Life sucks. He’s curled up next to me in bed now and if he wasn’t so tiny and sweet and wonderful, I might be okay not keeping him & letting him stay outside with his friends. I’m glad he’s not a human baby or I’d really be freaking out right now.

Anyway, I’d die for him now so it’s a done deal. My baby now.

[andiekapi]

July 13, 2017

Day 20 post heartbreak

Twenty days.

This morning, I was thinking about how I need a vacation. Just to get away from all of this, go somewhere new and take a breather. If only I could afford it. I was also thinking about who I would want to go with, and being honest with myself, it’s DTS I would want to go with the most. Not only based on the fact that we were together before, but because until now, he is the only person I could be around alone for more than 12 consecutive hours without getting tired of. We understood each other (or, at least I thought so), and vacationing with him is fun and relaxing and I just don’t feel anxious. We had made a lot of travel plans together, I’m very sad that none of them will come to happen.

Work was kind of shitty today. And the roommate was kind of shitty today. She is continuing to harass me about the dog, but then being like “oh you need to make up your mind because if you don’t get one, I’m getting one”. I’m pretty sure I didn’t want to get one in the first place, and that you are just peer pressuring me into looking at them and even considering it, thank you. She’ll be like “oh my gosh it will be fine I can help you etc.” and then say “oh but it’s your choice.” THEN LEAVE ME BE.

She’s been really grumpy for the past week, and we both don’t know why (she even said so today). Also at work today she was being kind of snitty. So we had a vendor meeting, who talked to us about new materials they are in the process of creating. I take really good notes, and enjoy learning about new materials. So does Hannah, but like when we are in those meetings she sort of tries to talk down to me or over me? At the end we were taking cuttings of fabric, and she says “oh you cut Andrea and I’ll write down what they are”. But then she had to ask me what they were anyways, and even tried to talk me down when she thought it was something different (but I was right…). She refers to the vendors as “my vendors”. Like yes I understand that my internship is more color based, but technically we are both Color AND material interns, so I want to learn as much as possible. She acts like it’s hers alone. I don’t like that at all.

Anyways, the color files I’ve been working on all week were submitted to the merchandising lady, and she basically is making me redo everything I’ve done, and is dropping all the colors my team thinks will be successful, and essentially I don’t agree with. Not that I can say with certainty what will sell, but the changes just seem…. Awful. But, it’s part of the job, and the design triad must coexist with one another in a successful business. Bloop.

 At night “we” hosted another dinner party, which I sort of dread, because I do basically all of the work. And I’m not exaggerating. Here’s what happened:

Before they came over,

I: vacuumed the living room, cleaned the living room, cleaned my bathroom (the “public” bathroom), cleaned the kitchen to make room for cooking.

Hannah: cleaned her room and bathroom.

For dinner, we had 2 types of pasta, with either tomato sauce or cream sauce, with chicken and Caesar salad and peas.

Chicken: I cut, marinated, cut onions and garlic for, and cooked.

Pasta: I boiled water, cooked, drained, mixed with butter

Peas: Also me, heating up

Tomato sauce: also me, heating up the sauce

Caesar salad: I washed the lettuce, cut the lettuce, dressed the salad, put the salad together

I also cleared the counter, set up the station for grabbing food, put out plates and cutlery.

Hannah: Made the cream sauce, and made the bacon and croutons for the salad. She also grated cheese.

But she takes most of the credit for everything, and is the “host”, and “plans everything”…..

IM EXHAUSTED.

I also do ALL of the dishes afterwards while she either packs up the food or throws it away.

She says she does dinners like this all the time back at home, but I mean is everyone not eating until 9PM? Her timing is really not good.

Bonus: whoever installed the pipes underneath our kitchen sink didn’t fasten down anything properly, so big fat puddle of water for me to clean up after doing the dishes. Hannah made a comment about me going to be a great home owner, and I said that I have had many people tell me I’d be a great wife, and she says “do you want to be a stay at home house wife?”

Why would you jump to that fucking conclusion. I said WIFE, not “stay at home house wife.” Thanks so much.

After everyone left, I saw a very nice and white fluffy dog being walked below our balcony, and I told Hannah to come look, and jokingly said “let me steal your doggie!” she made a sassy ass remark back at me saying “Don’t freaking pretend you want the dog when you clearly aren’t getting one”. So I snapped back at her “I don’t want one, but you keep bullying me into trying to get one”. And she got angry and said she wasn’t not, and so I said “do you know how many back handed remarks you said to me today about getting a dog?” and she responded saying “No I didn’t, they were about ME getting a dog”, to which I scoffed and said I will keep a tally for her tomorrow. Ugh.

When you spend every single day with someone who is not your significant other, both at work and at home, it gets to be draining. Today I am very tired.

It’s just so hypocritical of her. (Sorry I’ll stop soon I promise). Like today she says she wants to get a dog, but man she didn’t account for the winters here and how much work it will be to walk the dog in the cold. YOU DON’T SAY. I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR AGES but no nothing I say is a valid freaking reason if it’s me getting a dog. Money? “well I can help you” or “you can write it off in your taxes if you register the dog as emotional support”. As if that means you don’t have to spend the money. Walk the dog? “Well I can do it in the morning.” Going away for vacation? “Just fly with the dog” or “I can look after it”. NONE OF YOUR RESPONSES ARE VALID OR JUSTIFYING. Never looks at what happens after this year, what about when we don’t live together, and how I don’t want her financial help because that is not how I was raised.

Fuck.

Anyways, just less than great day today. Thank you for listening to me rant.

I want very much to be “home”, back at DTS’. I wonder if, when I finally go back to visit/grab some belongings/visit my 4 beautiful friends there, if he will let me sleep on the couch. I don’t know. Everyone else is just too far away, and I miss the cats.

I guess time will tell. I really do wish I could fast-forward this heartbreak. It is, without a doubt, the most physically and emotionally draining thing I have ever been through, ever. It feels the same way when someone you love has died.

Okay, all the negativity from today is spewed out onto here now. I am going to try and sleep.

I wish you all a better 24 than I just had. <3