#also i’m paranoid and highly anxious

[gladiatorcunt]

my icky feelings about drinking

[strniohoeee]

Alternate ending to hidden in the shadows or a part 5 PLEAAAASEEEEE (anonymous request)

Hidden In The Shadows- Alternate Ending

Pairing: Matt Sturniolo X Female Reader

Synopsis: After a year of no sign of Matt, Y/N has given up. While working on a paper for a publisher she feels eyes on her…. Is her paranoia justified or no?✉️

Warnings⚠️: NONE, I’m rusty asf so don’t judge me this is pure trash🫶🏽😋

Song for imagine: West End Girls- Pet Shop Boys

Sometimes you’re better off dead

There’s a gun in your hand and it’s

Pointing at your head

You think you’re mad, too unstable

Sitting at the cafe I peered out the window as my fingers stopped abruptly. My thoughts suddenly come to a halt, struggling to form another sentence.

“I think I’ve been going at this for too long” I mumble to myself as I wiggle my fingers, bringing them up to my face and rubbing my eyes roughly

My old professor had asked me to edit and add to my writings on everything that had taken place. He was trying to bring my work to a highly reputable publishing company. However, everything I could have ever written was in these papers.

I was stressing myself out horribly because I was trying to make something out of nothing. Hitting save I pinched the bridge of my nose as I closed out my Google Docs tab. Shaking my leg anxiously I bit my lip.

A daunting thought gnawing at me. What if I just searched up Matt’s name? I mean I would have some form of closure right?

Opening the safari tab I felt a chill run down my spine as I felt like eyes were on me. I just assumed it was my guilty and paranoid conscience. Shaking the feeling off I googled Matt’s name and address.

To my surprise I saw one news article about this small town. Looking off my shoulders slyly, I opened the article. My eyes glanced over the title rapidly.

“Pleasant Town natives car found burned and body missing”

My heart sank immediately. Scrolling down I read the full article. Coming to find out that Matt’s car had been found burnt and crushed a week after I fled. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief? But also a sense of anxiety?

I mean glad that he might’ve gotten away, but also anxious thinking of the what ifs? Like what if he was killed?

Staring off into space as I looked out the window I suddenly felt eyes on me again. Straightening my posture I happened to glance down at my now dark laptop screen.

My eyes furrowed as I saw a man in the back of the cafe looking at me through the reflection on the screen. My eyes widened a bit and I rapidly turned around.

I Wished I hadn’t because there was no one sitting at that back table. And I now look like a paranoid psycho infront of all these people. Sighing I let my shoulders slouch shaking my head I shut my laptop

As I packed my things up I happened to look out the window and I made eye contact with that same mysterious person again.

Shoveling everything into my backpack I grabbed everything in a rush. Looking up to see the person tilting their hat down and turning around to walk away.

Rushing out the cafe I squinted my eyes as the cold air hit my eyes. The wind whipping my hair into my eyes as I flung my backpack over my shoulders.

Rushing to run across the street just barely avoiding getting hit by cars. Sticking my hand out in a sincere tone I jumped onto the next street.

Following hot on their tail I was speed walking. Roughly pulling the hair from in front of my eyes. We turned on a corner and it happened to only be us two.

This person having a major advantage over me, I began to jog slightly

“HEY!” I yelled out but to no avail

Something about this person seemed so familiar, and I was started to get scared

“HEY! I’m not trying to seem like a stalker, but I think I know you from somewhere” I yelled out and still this person tilted their head and kept walking

Rolling my eyes I began to walk faster and was able to grab their shoulder

“I SAID HEY” I replied firmly as I gripped their shoulder roughly

Stopping in my tracks abruptly, my voice caught in my throat. My eyes stinging from the wind, tears threatening to fall out

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be looking at him again….

“Matt?” I said squinting my eyes and tilting my head

His eyes softening as he looked around

“This wasn’t supposed to happen” he said grabbing me shoving us into a corner

“What the fuck happened to you? I thought you died? No contact for a year?” I said angry and saddened

“What else was I supposed to do? I had a target on my back and you had one on your head” he replied sinking into his coat a little more

“Matthew I was so fucking worried about you” I said as I pulled him in for a hug

“I was worried about you too, that’s why I’ve been keeping my distance” he said

“For how long?” I replied

“For a year” he said shamefully

“A year?” I screeched out

“Listen I had to watch you from a distance I didn’t know how safe it was for me to immediately come to you” he stated

“I’m just so glad you’re safe” I replied shaking my head in shock

“I always keep my eyes open for anyone who might come back from our past” Matt says to me as he pulls me in for another hug

“I can only imagine how tiring that gets for you” I said to him

“A little bit, but I’m used to it” he replied

That night we went back to my apartment and Matt went over exactly how he fled. His perfect elaborate scheme that surprisingly everyone believed.

The fear I dealt with since leaving was indescribable. Many nights I’d wake up in a cold sweat thinking I had been found and that I was about to be killed.

But to know Matt had been keeping an eye on me for a year made me feel better. I’m not sure what I’d do without Matt. Our bond was inseparable and since he came back I knew I had to protect him at all costs because he was no longer

Hidden in the shadows….

The End

Yall this was shit bc I’m rusty AF, but also I didn’t really want to end this fanfic on a happy note LMFAOOO. But anyways I love yall dearly for all the continued support. My requests are closed as I got 12 requests (oh yeah baby). THANK YOUUU AND ILYYY🥺🖤🖤🖤

-J💅🏽

[kneelingshadowsalome]

ahh~ i’m so glad you liked my little essay~!! i have a knack for analyzing and interpreting stuff, i just think it’s so fun. plus i needed a way to vent out my thoughts and feelings on the little hyper-fixation i’ve developed from your story, my brain just went into overdrive because of how unique it is so i couldn’t resist.

anyway, thank you, seriously thank you for enjoying it, and i’m super happy to say that i have come up with few a headcanons of my own. these are mainly könig headcanons, so they’re more of my interpretations and analysis on him. let me know what you think~! i hope you have a wonderful read, and please keep doing you, you are a wonderful writer, and incredibly talented!!

okay, so first:

despite könig’s openness and acceptance to engels interest in his weaponry, i highly doubt that he would actually allow her to indulge in using any of them. i would even consider that he wouldn’t even teach her how to use one, especially his guns. sure, he’s gifted her knifes but notice that they’re quite feminine and dainty even, könig does try to engage with engel and her interests but emasculates them in a way that should suit her, a cute little knife is practically harmless compared to the massive destruction of his guns. the furthest he would go to showing her anything is how to hold it, but he still wouldn’t want her to hold it herself, and he won’t even shoot it in front of her considering that would damage her hearing, and he can’t bring himself to do that to his baby.

with that, i do think könig is careful and cautious with his engel. i feel like he tries to filter through the good and the bad for her. yes, we’ve been given instances in which the exact opposite has happened, i.e. him stabbing her boss right in front of her, but that was acted purely on impulse. i think after that, he tries his best, and i mean he really tries to shield her from that ever again unless absolutely needed. however, if she were to ask for that twisted ruthless side of him again, because she has the tendency to be twisted herself, then i’m sure he would have to lay down some ground rules, and although hesitant, in the end, he would do anything for her. but despite that, he does not allow angel to consume things that he perceives to be negative for both him and her, and what i mean by that is that he doesn’t allow her to consume any material that could be triggering for him or anything that could alter her behavior that would negatively effect both of them. so, stuff like world news, social media, anything that could give her a sense of empowerment, he doesn’t allow her to have her own phone, she’s constantly monitored, and she’s never alone once she leaves home because könig has to always check in on her. könig absolutely does not want her to be influenced by anything, it’s another reason why she doesn’t have friends, and knowing she isn’t influenced by anything other than him helps keep him from being paranoid, anxious, and violent.

now, back to könig being a raging misogynist at times, he would definitely believe in the value of gender roles, and i mean nothing is more important to him than the normalcy and complacency of the ideal of gendered roles and relationships. also, i hate to admit it, but he just can’t see his woman doing or portraying anything too masculine, it’s a turn off for him, he prefers if she were to just stay at home and do “womanly things” and be a woman, whatever that entails. i think he would even encourage engel to quit the job that she has now, he probably never liked the fact that she worked in such a masculine environment, working such a dirty job in the first place. the only times when he’ll allow engel to even be remotely dominant is during sex, and it’s only if she wants to be, but even through sex he still has the upper hand and has this, ‘this is only happening because i’m allowing it to happen’ mentality. plus it’s a nice thing to let go, relax, and allow her to take control for a little bit, but he would always remind her, both sexually and domestically, where her place is.

könig is completely shameless when it comes to his physicality. he knows what he’s capable of and he knows engel loves his body, so he uses that to his advantage to show off and impress her more. so that means, more unnecessary bouts of strengths used in front of engel, more commitment to his workouts, wearing less clothes around her (he honestly prefers to be casually nude more than he likes to admit, i also think it’s a kink for him to see her so flustered from it too), and insane sex positions. i think he would really enjoy fucking/eating her out standing up, just anything that involves comfortably lifting her up and possibly manhandling her, in a safe way at least.

also, könig is the most expressive when it comes to his sexuality. again, he has little shame, but it’s only because there’s something so special in sex that allows him to let go and just do what he wants in such an intimate environment, and it’s because of engel that it only amps up way more. so, with that being said, the guy is incredibly kinky and experimental. like i said, he likes casual nudity, but only done on his part, he doesn’t really like engel flaunting her body the way he flaunts his and prefers for her to stay modest, it’s really because of the innocent aspect that she tends to play that gets him going because of it. i also see him thriving in animalistic, predator/prey type of sex, especially if it’s outdoors. every time they’re out hiking, camping, or just happen to be in a large remote wooded area, expect some wild sex happening between these two. he just really enjoys pushing his limits and boundaries through sex for the purposes of showcasing the emotions he is unable to communicate normally, which is why he often has an intense sexual drive, but he also enjoys letting go once in a while, being taken cared of, and feeling loved by engel. könig really bonds well when he has this outlet where his emotions, something he constantly suppresses, can be catered, and very often is his emotions expressed dominantly, whether as a hard dom or soft one, it’s mainly about control and acceptance for him.

something könig would slightly be ashamed of though, is receiving open comfort and affection. his upbringing is super fucked and his lack of affection and love as a child definitely shaped himself as a very undeserving man of any of that, although he craves it immensely. so, as contradictory as it is, while he loves giving devotion and intimacy for selfish reasons, he does have trouble accepting genuine love and warmth for himself. it’s something that takes time for him to recognize that he needs and accepts, especially with the right person. so, yes, he’s very hesitant of these instances, but by god, does engel make it so much easier for him. it’s no wonder he’s so indulgent with her and why he’s constantly pushing her limits, it is not because he’s consciously choosing to do the most insane shit but rather, he doesn’t realize it and it’s inappropriateness. i think if engel were to teach him how to properly love and care more respectfully and appropriately, you know something he wasn’t taught as a child, i think he would be a bit more mentally stable in his behavior. however, i do not think she will, it’s because of his dangerous behavior that drew her in the first place and his toxic, overwhelming personality that solidified her place in their relationship, so there’s no way she’s getting rid of könig’s obsessive, possessive, dominant traits that practically has made him into a sex god, but she will suggest therapy from time to time if he continues to exhibit insecure-like behaviors and especially when he’s going through ptsd episodes. i’m pretty sure he has both ptsd and c-ptsd, and to top that off, personality disorders, and mood disorders, soooo…

last but not least, and this one is purely self-indulgent on my end, he is a serial spender for his engel. dude makes an absurd amount of money for what does, and has no reason to use it… until engel walked into the picture. even since then, könig will buy anything for engel and help her splurge to keep her happy, comfortable, and away from society. this man will get her all the material items that she wants, clothes, a big new house, lots of land, entertainment, all the foods that she wants. want a dog and/or cat? sure! he’ll even supply her with weed if she’s that type of girl, but anything to keep her sane and occupied, he is willing to buy, just nothing too illegal, and definitely no vacation spots, dude is way too paranoid to travel and is not willing to risk it.

IM AM SO SORRY THAT THIS WAS SO LONG 😭😭

These were just pure gold, *chef’s kiss* exquisite!! Every single sentence is perfection. So well thought out, and so well put! I don't even have the words to express how incredible this is (and I call myself a writer lol). Seriously, thank you again!! 💖

Also I want to participate (teacher teacher lemme participate please) by adding a few things:

The first one I wholly agree with, but I also believe König might have a little teeny tiny kink for watching how his innocent Engel brushes her fingertips down the barrel of his huge shotgun or holds one of his biggest knives in her *cute* little hands... The contrast between a woman’s softness and a massive, cold, brutal weapon drives this man crazy.

To indulge in his dark fantasies, he might allow Engel to come to the range with him once or twice. I imagine König getting off on showing a “fragile woman” how to handle and shoot a rifle 🙄 He thinks it’s both horrifying and drugging to see how her smaller body tries to absorb the recoil from his guns. Soon enough he’s like “Ok that’s enough” but not before he has enjoyed that peculiar scene a while longer.

And the fourth oh god. Gave me butterflies. He's shameless. I just know that König sleeps naked. Guy associates nighttime with masturbation – and nowadays, sex with his Engel – so off with his clothes, and off with hers, too. König also gives me semi-somno vibes: he would try to wake Engel up with his dick if he can't sleep. (Give me attention and love and provide me with a distraction from my anxiety! Now...!)

The sixth: yes, I don’t see things getting any "better" as in them suddenly calming the fuck down and learning healthy ways to live and love. They are too enamored with their dark side and as you said, I don't know if Engel would be that fascinated with König if he suddenly developed a conscience and healthy ways to cope with his trauma(s). Their escapades resemble a shared psychosis sometimes, but with time and patience this couple will perhaps find true love and relief together – something bigger and better, a way out of the spiral. They learn to dance on the knife’s edge, so to say. They might even start to behave 🩷

And the last one: YES he would spoil her to bits! One of the reasons for this is that König feels guilty. He doesn't know how to show love and devotion through emotional intimacy so he will try to show it through spending money on her. So yes to all of this.

I see Engel wishing for a pet to keep her company while he's away on longer missions. And König is so thick-skulled he wouldn't even bother to ask what type of pet she wants or if she has allergies, he just shows up with a cat one day like: "Hier. I brought this to you. Do you like my gift? I will bring you a different pet if you don't like this one. 🤨"

(And omg the image of Engel smoking a fat one or using a cute little bong on their porch, perhaps chilling out with that cat and giggling when König comes home... ^^)

Thank you so much for bringing these to us! Tbh I never wanted this essay to end 🩷😭 You're amazing I hope you know that!!

[literaticat]

You sort of answered this for someone else that wanted to break it off with their agent, but I’m wondering if you could help me because I don’t think I want to break it off. My agent is historically very slow to respond to my work and even regular emails. It makes me feel like I’m not important and like it’s delaying any success I may have. How do I have this conversation with them? They have had health issues recently so I don’t want to make it seem like I’m being cruel about that (these slow issues have been going on for years). I don’t know how to say it without sounding like a whiny toddler begging for attention.

I have a bunch of different random thoughts so, sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm trying, I'm conflicted, I'm cobbling this one together!

-- You say that this slowness has been going on for years, so it's not about their recent health issues -- this is their communication style. A tiger might do any number of things, but it doesn't change its stripes, even if you ask it nicely.

-- So if you know a tiger doesn't change its stripes, and you want to stick with this tiger, you are going to have to figure out a way to be comfortable working within this tiger's framework to some extent.

-- The good news is, since this is just their communication style, it's highly unlikely that THEY feel you are "unimportant" -- that is a feeling YOU are bringing to the table, so part of dealing with this will be to change your mindset. (In other words, they aren't being slow AT YOU -- they are just being slow because they are slow! It's not about you at all! AND, all of publishing is often painfully slow -- and that is ALSO not about you! So perhaps knowing that and setting your expectations accordingly will help?)

-- I do think it's important to have a conversation with them, because they can't POSSIBLY try a different approach if they don't know there is a problem, and if you never bring it up, this will fester.

-- Just a nice conversation between colleagues. Not a fight or a bash-fest. You won't be accusing them of anything or being cruel -- and if you don't whine or beg for attention, you won't sound like a whiny toddler begging for attention!

-- I'd approach it by telling them, frankly, the problem, and see if there's a way to find a solution that will be both simple enough for them to potentially implement without doing a whole personality overhaul and that will make you feel more comfortable. "Hey, I know how swamped you are. Sometimes, though, when it takes a long time for you to respond, it makes my paranoia go into overdrive -- it would help a lot if you could acknowledge receipt or give me an ETA, even if you know you won't get a real answer right away." Or "I appreciate that you are busy and I feel bad hounding you, but I also don't want things to slip through the cracks -- at what point would you be OK with a nudge?"

(Or something! Point being, you aren't saying "GIVE ME MORE ATTENTION" or "I'M MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OTHER CLIENT OR YOUR HEALTH" -- you are saying, hey, *I feel* paranoid/anxious/whatever -- and I get that you and all of publishing are generally on the slow side -- are there simple steps we can take on communicating together so that I don't descend into madness? If you know that they got the message, and you know you can nudge, maybe that will go a long way toward helping you feel less terrible!)

-- See how that goes! If you feel good about the convo, and you start to feel better about how its going, fantastic, job well done! IF you don't... well, the next step might be shopping for a new tiger.

[mk-writes-stuff]

OC Interaction Game

Rules: post the OCs of the people who tagged you and one of your OCs and say how yours would interact with theirs

Thank you @kaylinalexanderbooks and @mysticstarlightduck for the tags!

Kaylin’s OC: Lexi is a middle school girl (12-13 in the first book) who's popular, talkative and energetic. She has more acquaintances than she can keep up with (but don't tell her that!!! They're all her close friends who she must hang out with and support!!), and a close circle of companions she may hold on a little too tight to. Metaphorically, as her haphephobia prevents her from wanting physical contact. She has a mini backyard garden and indulges in nerdy pop culture, at first for her sister, then she found out she liked it. Lexi is very organized - she has a color-coded schedule she Will Follow No Matter What and her high anxiety will flare up if things become unexpected. She also has teleportation powers.

Duck’s OC (I’m only doing one, I hope that’s okay :)): Nimwen is an 18 year old girl who has spent most of her life (since she was 8) travelling through the uncharted forests of a region popularly called "the wilds", with her adoptive brother Scarlet and their little band of misfits. They live on the outskirts of society, since their kingdom has been so dilligently outcasting them, but they don't seem to mind it. All in all, Nimwen is an awkward, overly anxious, often paranoid but incredibly sweet girl, though she rarely lets strangers get too close to her. She embodies the energy of a skittish deer that will bolt at the nearest sign of danger, even if its a false alarm, though she has very good reasons to be that way - her father was wrongfully executed for treason, and the people of the kingdom didn't exactly give her much reason to trust them after what they did, so yeah. She's very in touch with nature and other people's feelings though she somehow seems very much oblivious to her own. She prefers to avoid confrontation, and will only fight if that's the absolute last resort in a life or death situation. She loves very deeply and makes strong bonds once you get to know her properly.

My OC: Belladonna is a noblewoman in her early 20s of a space station floating in the void. She has recently been betrothed to a man she hates and informed that she is going to be replaced as the heir by a new younger sibling she will have soon. Belladonna is a highly anxious, neurotic young woman who holds herself and others whose appearances reflect on her own to an impossibly high standard and punishes herself (primarily via not eating, as she has severe anorexia) whenever these standards aren’t met. She has a kind heart and a clever, incisive mind behind all of her struggles, but years of abuse from her parents have driven her to disbelieve her own value and skills.

How Belladonna and Lexi would interact: Belladonna doesn’t have much experience with kids but I think she’d find Lexi rather endearing. Belladonna is a very lonely woman, so even though Lexi’s a lot younger than her, the excitable company would be very welcome. She’d also appreciate Lexi’s strict organization and coordination and I think they’d bond over the anxiety. The pop culture references and gardening stuff would go over Belladonna’s head but she’d be polite about it, and she’d think the teleportation was very cool although she’d be worried about how a child so young had magic. Overall I think they’d get along shockingly well, with Belladonna being a very neurotic cool older sister type.

How Belladonna and Nimwen would interact: I think they could become friends but it would take a while of them being in close proximity for it to stick. Nimwen feels like she would be very scared of Belladonna, and Belladonna wouldn’t know how to bridge that gap. But I think if circumstances pushed them to spend enough time together that they saw past each other’s exteriors, they could get along pretty well. Belladonna would understand her awkward discomfort and anxiety and might try to help her out, although her understanding of social skills is very limited to her environment. They both have kind hearts, though, and while I think Nimwen would struggle with Belladonna’s prickly exterior at first, I think they’d find they have a lot more in common than either of them expected.

@illarian-rambling @elsie-writes @somethingclevermahogony would y’all like to play?

[lesbiansanemi]

I maybe potentially (most likely) have covid but my job is being so fucking cagey about if I’m going to be on the receiving end of disciplinary action for not coming in because of it. I have multiple symptoms of it and was in close contact for an extended period of time with two people who have tested positive for it. I went to get an official test from an urgent care place (because I was told I need proof for my job), and was told it would be up to 48 hours until I get results and until then I needed to self isolate and then obviously continue if the test is positive. They wrote me a note saying to excuse me from my job which I emailed to them. But they keep emailing me like “well the cdc says isolation is no longer necessary so…. If you don’t have a fever you’re supposed to come in” and now I’m so paranoid that I’m going to get write ups for not coming in despite having a literal doctor’s note telling me not to because all covid protections have been so thoroughly axed and it’s treated like any “normal” illness (though this shouldn’t be okay for ANY illness, not just covid) and if you don’t have sick time (which most places don’t supply at all, or if they do, it’s a dismal amount) you have to come in or experience the consequences and I’m just 🙃🙃🙃 so anxious about it and also I fucking hate this country for putting MILLIONS of people in this position where they have to choose between not going work but risking being fired and losing their livelihoods which leads to SO many risks if you have no safety net (and most people don’t) OR going in because you just don’t have a choice but you’re miserable and actively spreading highly infectious diseases to multiple other people. I truly don’t understand how there are people who look at this system and act like it’s fine

[rain-fluff]

Journal Twelve: Changing Seasons and Changing Vibes

I don’t want this blog to be left forgotten so I’m going to try my best to update and journal every now and again. June has come and I was invited to be apart of a surprise birthday gathering on the 15th. I honestly didn’t expect it to turn out so pleasant. I kind of forgot what it was like to just surround yourself with loved ones like that; the way that everyone was all smiles and reminiscing about past memories our just discussing about how people fared with work or classes. I wasn’t relatively close with the circle so the invite itself was a surprise to me. I was pretty anxious and had my walls up but a good chunk of them we’re really friendly, making sure that I didn’t feel too left out in conversations and trying to get to know me. Albeit the questions did sound like interview questions but it overall felt pleasant.

In a way, I also felt envious. It really made me miss my friends. Obviously as life goes on, our priorities of adulthood get in the way of maintaining contact. But I still miss the comfort that past circles have given me. It’s not really as comfortable as the current ones I’m getting into contact these days. Like I try to convince myself that these people are in fact good people but there’s just something in my lizard brain that subconsciously tells me that I should keep my armor up, I guess. People telling you that they’re hopeful that you could stick around more; a sweet sentiment but I know I have unresolved abandonment issues that’s making me waver with my choices. Man I sound edgy but that’s just how I feel. What’s the point on journaling if I don’t sound the slightest bit cringey, to be honest.

I am also four weeks into my internship as I’m writing this. In all honesty, I thought it would be super scary and strict but most have been pretty welcoming. Maybe a teeny bit too welcoming (I’m too paranoid bare with me it’s my blog). Also duh I forgot to bring up my birthday. I’m officially 25 and I’m still dead inside lol. I wonder if I officially entered that stage of adulthood where I just don’t care about my birthday like I used to. Or maybe I’m subconsciously deflecting because I do in fact care about my birthday a lot. I think I’ve been using the word subconsciously too many times for this journal entry. Anyways, I finally got my hands on Princess Peach Showtime and there’s something about the game that heals my inner child. I highly recommend it if you’re someone who grew up playing girly dress up games for the PS2. I’m only two stages in but I appreciate how “girly” it feels? Like I’m so used to “non-girly” games and I haven’t really played one in so long. I think the last time I played a game like that was Winx Club on a PS2 emulator a few years back. I also would really love to get Fashion Dreamer too but have said that it’s not really worth buying it at full-price. I’m hoping to snag a really cheap secondhand copy one of these days.

I’ve also started listening to Chappell Roan. I’ve never been so infatuated with a woman’s rawness and I adore how she expresses herself both musically and visually. Pink Pony Club struck a really personal chord with me, the urge to expand on your escapism where you can just be free from societal expectations. I think I’ve been putting it on repeat a bit too much lately. A friend recommended to me Naked in Manhattan and I’m equally as obsessed. There’s something about the way she styles herself that inspires me to play around with makeup again. I haven’t really experimented with makeup looks in a while but I should really get into it again when I feel a bit better. Speaking of musicians, Atarashi Gakko is also performed at Zepp last weekend. I’d love to go but alas what remained in my bank account was abysmal. I need to start putting more money into my savings. Toodles.

Extra update: I forgot to mention that the team I'm in surprised me with some food and teeny eepy figure of Anya. She's so cute I'm gonna cherish her forever!! It was only my third week in and they surprised me with such a thoughtful gift. I might miss this place when I have to leave even though I'm not super close with anyone in particular. Okay, toodles for real now.

-rain

[kookieswan]

Also, another one for spooky nights, I kinda have a strange sixth sense. This, I REALLY want to believe it to be just a mere coincidence. So.. since I was a kid I kinda sensed if in a room or house there's a strange spooky presence. Back at that time I thought I was just paranoid (mind you I was 7y/o) and a coward. My grandparents (dad side) had a vacation house and everytime we stayed there my nerves where on haywire. I couldn't stay alone in a room for more than 2 mins because I felt watched, I couldn't even go to the bathroom without panicking and let's not talk about bath time. Well guess what? I discovered when I was 14/15 that in that house there was something going on. Never had a robbery even though the neighbors were robbed frequently, and my uncles also kinda felt things especially during moving time because they had sold the house. Similar episodes in my cousin's, in the bathroom and the corridor where they have a mirror my aunt uses. Always got the chills and I can never look in the mirror there. Turns out I was not paranoid. So yeah, I apparently have a sixth sense for these kinda things😅

~🎶

If you REALLY want it to be a coincidence, then I think the sixth sense thing can kind of be explained by humans natural habit of being paranoid as fuck. I don’t know about other people but since I’m highly anxious, a lot of things have me on edge 👀

There’s an old barn somewhat close to where I live and I have to drive by it every time I go to work. I’m convinced there’s some spooky shit going on around there, especially because I seen creepy shit in the surrounding wooded area. Does that mean there’s something actually wrong with it? Nah, but you never know!

[harryforvogue]

Hey bestie it’s me again!! So since I loved ouabh I was wondering if you have any other book recs for me! (Bc now I trust you with my life in terms of books!!) doesn’t have to be fantasy either I’m good with whatever :)

HI OMG YAY!

so i recently read "gods behaving badly" by marie phillips which was so funny and entertaining. i really enjoyed it. it's about greek gods and goddesses in the modern era. has literally every "big" deity so it's great to see everyone together. it's also a super quick read.

if you want a romance series, i HIGHLY recommend "the league of extraordinary women" by evie dunmore. it is SO underrated and historically accurate and FEMINIST-Y!!!! plus all the male love interests are CHEF'S kiss and i believe the next one is gonna be middle eastern / north african? idk but he calls the female love interest habibi so....... i literally talk about this series all the time it's so GOOD. and you can read it out of order. the 3rd book is my fave because i can't resist a hades&persephone inspired story.

i'm currently reading several books because i have no self control. i'm reading hester by laurie lico albanese which is the story of how nathaniel hawthorne was inspired to write the scarlet letter. it's cute. nathaniel is cute. it IS a little slow though, but very interesting. it's got witch trails and some romance.

i'm also reading these infinite threads which is the second book in the this woven kingdom series by tahereh mafi. no complains there.

and finally, i'm reading abby jimenez's yours truly which just came out this week and so far it's been pretty good! i like jacob. he's like if alex nilsen from people we meet on vacation was mixed with my character faye. so.... super anxious and paranoid. super relatable!

hope that helps!!!!!!! lmk if you end up reading any of these!

[funkymbtifiction]

I moved to a dangerous area of a city for school, and during the school year when most of my activities were on-campus, faced very few problems going about my day. However I recently moved off-campus and have been taking public transport more often, and it feels like I’ve been encountering more situations that stress me out than usual. Anyway, I’ve been lucky enough so far to not have had any “real” bad outcomes as a result of this (haven’t been robbed or had harassment beyond street comments,) but it’s taking a toll on my general anxiousness levels. I feel jealous of my roommates for not having had stuff like this happen to them yet while I’ve had scary encounters like 4 times in the past few weeks, which makes me wonder if I’m just being paranoid compared to them. I’m a generally more anxious person than most people, and sometimes I have episodes where I get really jumpy for a while or feel deeply unsettled, like someone could be following me or jump me in my apartment (not to the point where it feels real, more like “this would really suck.”) I’m also a six, so my gut reaction to people trying to get my attention is highly reactive and fearful. I’m a bit worried that my naturally anxious demeanor is making me more of a target than otherwise, but I’m not sure how to change that. While I think there are legitimate reasons to me to feel anxious, I don’t get anything out of being more stressed all the time. So do you have advice for dealing with the general anxiety/unfairness of the situation, and maybe encountering less of it? Or on appearing less vulnerable in public?

Regarding safety -- it's important to look confident even if you are not, to glance at people as you pass them (make brief eye contact, so you are telling them that you see them / are aware of them being there), and to seem like you know what you are doing (a confident stride, not hesitant movements or sidelong glances). If you are really concerned about being attacked, make it hard for them (no ponytails or anything they could grab, and arm yourself with protection of some sort that is legal where you live -- like pepper spray or a taser). Minimize being out after hours as much as you can, find people to walk home with and/or go to the bus stop with, and don't listen to music on your headphones or look at your phone. Distracted people are easier targets. Look around, be aware, and become aware of what is 'normal' for each environment (which people are always there, and what are they doing; who else is traveling at the same time you are). You should also brush up on self-defense to feel more confident (youtube has videos, or you could even take a class). There are lots of articles, videos, etc., from ex-cops/marines that will help you.

As for dealing with generalized anxiety -- it's understandable that if you feel vulnerable and are having to navigate a stressful situation, you will be more on edge, more emotional, and more easily triggered into being anxious about people trying to get your attention. You could try meditation at home and breathing techniques to calm yourself down. Learn how to be more in your body, and less in your head -- that's the only way for a 6 to feel more connected to the earth, by being aware of how they are breathing and how their body is reacting and how their feet are hitting the pavement. It's also good for a 6 to talk about their fears with other people they trust, or to just vent about it to someone who can reassure them or help them come up with a solution. Do your close friends know that you feel unsafe on your way to school? Could any of them carpool with you? Would any of them have ideas about how to feel safer or feel more calm?

I would say it might be helpful to assume that most people are just on their way to work/school, and like you, want to get there. Most people don't have evil intentions toward you, which means you don't have to be scared of every person you meet. Humans are very good at being intuitive in dangerous situations -- you can trust your body and your mind and your instincts to tell you when something is off or when someone seems "not right." Your mind and body is processing body language and information that you are not consciously aware of. There are also places that attract more trouble than others, and if they make you uncomfortable, don't go there anymore if you can avoid it. Get familiar with your route and the people you usually see along it and that will help you feel a little more oriented, and aware of what is normal for that route. The more familiar with it you are, the less anxiety you will have about it. It will just take time.

You can also be consciously aware of your negative thinking, and choose whether to give in to those thoughts or not. Like, "Is that person watching me?" -- well, are they, or are they doing the same thing I am doing, which is glancing around to see who is doing what? If someone is trying to get your attention -- why? Is it just to hit on you or is it because you're about to step into the bike lane?

Lastly if this is REALLY stressing you, is there any way you can move back on campus, or move closer and carpool? And since it's hard to be objective about whether something is scary or not (is this me overreacting or is this legitimately something to worry about?), ask your friends for input -- describe the scary situation to them, and ask them if that would unnerve them. Sometimes talking about it makes it seem less intimidating, and other times, it clearly shows you that this situation was NOT okay and should be seen as a warning flag.

I hope you can stay safe and find ways to feel less endangered.

[tssidesfics]

TSSides Anti-Fairytale AU

I’m not coming for fairytales. They have their place, but as an aromantic person...I do not feel seen. And then I decided to re-watch Enchanted (pirated, of course, because fuck Disney). And then this idea happened. 

Patton was a child-king who married his best friend when forced to, and then she died in childbirth. He’s given Roman everything he could, but he’s lived his life dictated by the advisors who’ve used him as a puppet king his whole rule. He’s miserable because he doesn’t like how the system functions but he thinks he’s chained to tradition.

Roman copes with his complicated relationship with his father by questing and almost dying, like, every other week. Anxious attachment for days. Boy keeps trying very hard to find a princess and can’t seem to figure out why nothing will stick. To which Patton goes “oh. He got it from me. Oops.”

All I know is Remus is aromantic and aplatonic and exactly as chaotic as he should be.

Roman’s birthday. Ball. The classic. He greets all the noble families and he’s seen those losers a bunch before, but this time, he meets a new “girl” with a family he usually hates who intrigues him. He is not a girl and I will not be misgendering him because ew, but, gist: Virgil, transphobic rich parents forcing him to conform to gender roles, absolutely miserable, in Peak Bitch (gender-neutral) form. Roman mistakenly believes he’s cured and talks Virgil up a lot. Convinces himself he’s fallen madly in love.

Problem is, he tells Patton, who’s shocked he found a “girl” but absolutely is on-board, and then goes to the family to ask for Virgil’s hand and there’s no Virgil.

Thus begins the Mulan ripoff but openly trans where Virgil poses as a boy servant at the castle because his parents can’t get into the castle willy-nilly and it’s the safest place to be. Absolutely loathes Roman’s very existence because that dumb bitch flirted with him while he was a girl and therefore VIrgil thinks he is The WorstTM. Then Roman catches him grouching about and decides to solve this by teaching him sword-play, mostly to give him the excuse to beat on a dummy with a sword-shaped stick. 

Meanwhile Roman is just le sigh I did it again. I connected more with a boy than a girl. Why did she have to run away? Now I’m doomed to be weird.

Well then assassins break into the castle and Ever-Paranoid Virgil immediately susses them out as bad news and uses the remnants of the ball to absolutely wreck them when they try to kill Roman and his father while they’re taking a rare opportunity to chat and bond. Patton decides he is Adopting This Child, fuck you, advisors, he’s as thin as a stick, and Virgil now gets to eat with the royal family. 

It’s the first time Patton has ever actually told his advisors to go fuck themselves. It’s the first step toward a positive turnaround and it happened because Patton’s dad instincts took over and nothing in the world is more valid than that, fight me.

Enter genderqueer icon morally neutral witch, Janus, all pronouns, who’s trying to topple the monarchy to enact lasting change and didn’t want to dirty her hands right away, but honestly people are so unreliable. So he gets onto Patton’s crew as a handmaiden and excuse you who gave the king permission to be actually endearing?

Roman feels slightly weird because Patton’s calling Virgil “kiddo” and he’s not calling him his son but he also treats him very similarly as he does to Roman and Remus, which isn’t great but is significantly better than it could be, but Roman’s got a crush. 

Then Janus finds out Virgil’s trans and reveals this. Virgil thinks he’s about to get blackmailed into murdering the only people who have ever cared about him and then Janus just rolls their eyes like “excuse you I’m evil not psychopathic. I can give you a potion to make your body reflect your mind. You in?”

“Great, so my only cure to stop feeling like frozen trash reheated in a forest fire is to accept the highly dangerous bribe of a definitely evil witch! Thanks! I hate it!”

Yes Virgil memes even in a fantasy world where Tumblr doesn’t exist.

Also Virgil and Roman are bonding. A lot. They’re getting very close and Virgil even lets slip that he loves Roman and then tries to fling himself out a window. Roman gets touched, stops him, and tries to kiss him, but Virgil leans away. Roman expresses confusion.

“I...I love you, but I don’t want to kiss you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either. But I’ve...never wanted to kiss anyone. For any reason.”

“But...you still love me?”

“I do. I’m sorry.”

Roman...doesn’t feel as rejected as he thinks he maybe should? Honestly, it’s not totally a relief, but it’s just kinda...neutral. It’s not even a disappointment. 

Well, Janus is not evil and actually wants to run a kingdom (instating a committee mixed of educated rich fucks and working class receiving education) a whole lot more than Patton, who thinks she’s just...kinda awesome and very misunderstood. There’s a lot of hissing and grumbling that they’re not misunderstood, they’re evil, they don’t even have a tragic backstory, they just kill people to enact the change they want to see, just because they got ditched in a forest as a baby and was raised by a magic snake means nothing. The snake was a very loving and supportive parent.

Roman talks to Patton and Patton is like “fuck marriage rules. Fuck heteronormativity. Fuck my advisors. My kingdom is a haven for the gays. All the gays. Of every color. Come here and be merry and queer.”

Virgil’s just like “yo no reason but in this new world where it’s okay to love whatever gender is it maybe cool to be a boy when the world says you’re a girl?”

Janus draws a knife and glares at Patton and Patton’s just like “even if my partner wasn’t threatening to kill me I’d say it was fine why?”

“No reason.”

“Virgil.”

“What?”

“Is there something you want to share?”

“No.”

“Is there something you need to share?”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re being defensive again, Storm Grouch.”

Virgil sticks his tongue out. “Fine. People used to think I was a girl and I have a stupid body. Happy?”

And Patton learns from Janus the fine art of Validating The Fuck Out Of Gender.

The advisors stage a coop and lock Janus in an anti-magic cage, and then at the same time Virgil’s biological nightmares track him down and steal a spelled green apple from Janus’ shop they give Virgil. You know the drill. Deep sleep like death, yadda yadda.

Well, they immediately claim the body making a big dramatic deal about how they have to bury “her” and they’ll take “her” home to see her off and it’s so tragic, just as they were reunited, when the reality is they have the antidote back home, they’re just looking for control over his life again.

Except Roman goes off. “He is staying here where he--where he will be buried under the name Virgil dressed properly and if you came anywhere near his body I’ll kill you myself.”

Guess what constitutes a totally platonic, non-kiss related act of queerplatonic true love, bitch? Fighting your transphobic partner’s parents over their dead body.

Kingdom’s retaken, sweeping reform while Patton retires to be a stay at home dad to fix his relationship with his kids. Virgil gets formerly adopted. The stepparent is actually a morally neutral genderqueer witch who runs the kingdom fairly and justly, the central love story is trans and aromantic, and my queer ass is something resembling happy.

Logan is probably one of the advisors and the only one with sense who probably starts knocking off his coworkers after the coop because they’re all deeply, deeply stupid. Remus probably spends half the story making friends with a troll he brings in to save the day in the third act.

[ogravensimp]

She is a Constantine

The one day this shitty hotel decided to have an out of order elevator', Zed cursed as she looked up to only see a beige trenchcoat coat fluttering like a flag as it raced up the far too many flights this overpriced building had installed.

"John! Aren't you just being paranoid?" Zed shouted after the man in front of her as she attempted to keep up with him, as well, also trying to get answers out of him—which is a hard enough task as it is when she actually has his attention.

They were supposed to focus on purging some low-level demons set loose when a couple of civilians somehow managed to dig up the original copy of the highly dangerous, "Grimorium Verum". Well, they managed to get the book, but they also attracted the attention of John's good ol' friend, Papa Midnite; who has been giving them quite a hard time but John managed to knock him out.

Zed believed that they did quite well against him but somehow he said something before he fell that set John running without a word back to the hotel room they rented.

"John!", she called out once again as they finally reached the floor they were staying on, but she only saw the tail of his trenchcoat as he took a sharp turn around the corner, "seriously, you are being very-"

She cut herself off when she also reached the room they were staying in, only to find the door thrown off the hinges,"-...paranoid."

John was already inside, his back to her as he worryingly looked around at the ransacked room that had been perfectly fine when they left. Zed knew it wasn't the mess that had him anxious, it was the lack of a certain half-demon whom they had left watching some pony cartoon on the now overturned couch. The show was even still playing, but not even a tuft of the girl's purplish hair to be found.

"I should have known he'd just trace the magic back here, how could I just live her alone with the one thing Papa Midnite will kill for!" While it seemed John was talking to her, Zed knew he was actually berating himself, "Fuck, if he touched even a hair on her head I swear-"

"John," Zed softly approached him, wanting to calm the magician before he jumps so far to a conclusion that she or common sense won't be able to reach him anymore, "Papa hates your guts, yes but you and I know he'll never kill a child."

"What about his goons? Midnite distracted us and sent them here and I'm sure his goons would do anything not to fail him. ", John retorted as he began to scratch his hair with enough force it's as if he actually wanted to rip it out.

"She might still be here."

John finally turned to face her and Zed could now fully see the panic on his face. To a normal person, John looked irritated at most but Zed has been around him long enough to start to see the cracks in his poker face of sarcasm, "Look around Zed! If she was here, I'd fucking sense her!"

Zed felt a bit offended at his outburst, she didn't even know John had left the grimoire here! She thought the whole reason Papa was hexing them to next week was to get it off John but this seemed to be another of Constantine's genius plans gone wrong.

Putting her hands on her hips, she stood her ground, "And who's fault is that John? How could you just leave one of the most sacred dark-magic books with a child who thinks a show on the magic of friendship is the pique of entertainment?!"

John was never one to admit he was too blame chose to fight back, "I didn't know! I'm not fucking omnipresent! That's why I put up the bloody wards!"

"And look what good those did," Zed huffed as she folded her hands, "now they have the grimoire and have done god knows what with Raven."

"um..."

"Think I don't know that Zed because newsflash, I do!"

"Well, how do you plan to fix it!"

"...actually..."

John moved towards what was left of his books on the table and picked up a piece of chalk, "I don't know, fuck, I can try to trace her magic. She has a naturally high amount of it, it'll be easy to find."

Zed followed after him, her anger now replaced with worry, "Maybe if I'm near something of her's I can get a vision, where's that teddy of her's that she's always with? The one that Nun made?"

A small pair of hands held out the purple bear in question, "here you go Zed."

Zed accepted it gratefully, "Thank you, Raven."

And then there was silence in the room.

Zed looked at the doll in her hand and then at the small face looking up at her and then back at the doll, then back at the face and this charade continued for a while till she shouted, "Raven!", causing the little girl in question to giggle.

This sound alerted John who looked up from the symbols he had already begun drawing on the floor. Before Zed could even move, John had rushed past her in a beige coloured blur and had the half-demon up in his arms in a well-deserved hugged.

"Oh my sweet blackbird, I'm so glad your ok,", John yelled while he spun Raven around and pressed warm kisses to her small cheek causing more giggles to escape Raven's throat.

This was an odd scene for Zed who was quite used to the silent little girl who hexes old ladies that try to pinch her cheek or pat her head.

In fact, the first time Raven allowed physical contact with Zed was when she held her hand in a crowded street one time, and while Zed knew it was only so the tiny demon wouldn't get lost in the much taller crowd, she still felt like some chosen saviour.

So Zed just really couldn't help the tinge of jealousy she felt knowing that John is an exception to this 'no-touch' rule whenever he pleases while she can only relish in the crumbs.

Raven must have sensed her feelings cause she turned to her and smiled— an expression Zed felt fit her angelic features more than the usual deadpan expression.

Giving a soft smile back herself, she placed a hand on the girl's soft face(which fortunately went unhexed), in a tender gesture and asked, "Rae you gave us a heart attack, where were you?"

The dark-haired girl just tilted her in confusion before replying with a simple, "the closet." and pointed in the direction of said object.

Both Zed and John looked at the small cabinet that she was implying and couldn't help but be entertained as it was such a childish yet genius choice of hiding.

But the entertainment didn't last long as they realized something would have had to cause her to go into hiding.

Setting her down on the table, John and Zed immediately began to check her pallid skin for any injuries and to their relief, there was nothing major. The only damage to her delicate skin was a bruise on her knee but that was enough for John to demand a full breakdown of what exactly happened so he can know how many bones of Midnite he needs to break.

After 10 minutes, Zed and John had the full story of what happened while Raven nibbled on a chocolate bar she rightfully earned.

"So let me get this straight, you sensed about four guys approaching here and before they arrive, you grabbed Mr Teddy here, ran into the cabinet and stayed there till you heard us arguing, and you only bruised your knee cause you bumped yourself when crawling in?" John confirmed.

"Yep."

"You should've grabbed a phone and called us or something,", Zed muttered as she rubbed a chocolate stain off the girl's chubby cheek, "what if they saw you? Next time teleport to me and John immediately, got it."

Looking down, Raven softly replied, "Yes Zed."

"Oi, lay off her," John joked as he placed a big hand on her head, lightly messing up her dark-purple locks much to Zed's annoyance cause she is the one that combs her hair out every morning but before she can complain, John sighs, "Shit, Midnite still has the Grimoire, just great."

Zed was going to sigh with him when Raven let out a sheepish, "well...", reaching for the toy that Zed had been holding onto, she wrapped her hands around it and after some muttering, a ray of purple surrounded its form and it transformed into the exact tome that John and Zed had worked so hard to find and keep safe, "...I had been practising glamour spells before the guys arrived and thought this would be a great time to test it and I guess it worked."

Her wide violet eyes looked up at them as if looking for praise and they really did want to give it to her but they were just so shocked by her to speak.

John was the first to react and a wide grin broke out on his face, "You are a Constantine!"

He relaunched his attack of hugs and kisses to Raven's temple, this time Raven acted annoyed and tried to push him away but her blooming blush and the sound of a few lamps exploding betrayed her and showed her real emotions.

Zed still only looked at the book in her hand, remembering how it had felt and weighed the exact same you'd expect a knit teddy bear too. She just couldn't wrap her head around how such a young girl was already so talented with magic that it would put some adults to shame but before she could stay on the topic the sounds of Raven's voice brought her back.

"Ew, let go of me!" She whined as she used her small hand to try and push John's face away but that would not deter him and instead, he laid a lick to her palm which only infuriated her more as the window near them cracked, "GROSS!"

Zed couldn't help the laugh that escaped her. Those two were really something. Dropping the book on the table, she went to go save her little Raven away by pulling her away before she ends up blasting John through a room— so maybe she's actually saving John.

As for her previous question, the answer was simple:

She's a Constantine.

____________________________________

"Now, what's the meaning of this?" Papa Midnite's voice was deep and loud to achieve its purpose in causing shivers to run down his lackey's spine as he held up a purple, knitted bear with different sized buttons for eyes.

One of them managed to gain some confidence and he dropped to the floor at Midnite's feet to plead for himself and his brethren, "Papa, I swear, it was definitely the book you asked for, we don't know what happened!"

Papa growled, "I know that, I'm wondering how all you managed to get tricked. Not even by Constantine himself but by a child!"

"But there was no kid there we checked everywhere, honest Papa!"

Midnite just sighed as he fell back onto his seta, rubbing the bridge between his nose as he contemplated whether to get better men or if he simply was the only one capable of doing things right around here.

As he grumbled, the purple toy in his hands caught his eyes.

He thought it was just the supernatural world being bored when he heard that the John Constantine adopted a little girl but this doll proved the rumours through.

If this child was also as terrifying as the rumours say, it was best Papa met her soon before another card to Constatine's deck is added in which he cannot compete with.

part 2 soon? probably but only cause I wanna right midnite & raven interaction

[dads-back-from-the-store]

Yo dad, (can I call you dad?) how do I come out to my family who have been openly homophobic and transphobic in the past? I don’t want to shock them or get myself excommunicated but unfortunately it’s looking like it might play out that way. I want to come out, being closeted isn’t for me, but if I’m so worried about how it may affect others, should I even come out?

Thanks, I hope you’re having a lovely day

(For context I’m openly bisexual, which they’ve been pretending isn’t a thing, and I’ve recently started to explore my gender identity further and have started identifying as trans nb. I also love my family, even though they’re offensive and highly dysfunctional to say the least, and I’m afraid of ruining my relationship with my family members by making this part of me known)

I’ve had a really hard time with situations like these, so I’m sorry if the help I give you isnt what you’re looking for. also, yeah! you can call me that :)

you should come out, but make sure you’re absolutely ready. It’s normal to feel a bit of anxiety before coming out, but if you’re feeling scared, paranoid, sad, overwhelmed, please wait a bit.

first, some tips:

* don’t come out during an argument, the environment needs to be calm

* give your family a bit of time after coming out, because even with accepting parents it’s not common that they won’t be shocked or take a bit to come around.

- - especially with gender stuff, it may take a tiny bit for them to start using your name and pronouns but that’s entirely normal. just let them know that they need to be trying, and maybe set a certain amount of time for when they need to get their shit together. I know someone with a non-binary snephew (that’s what they call them, bc there’s no gender neutral niece/nephew) and they basically came out, then said that their family had a year to get everything together/start using their name and pronouns. u don’t have to do that though, it’s just a suggestion :)

anyways, moving on

* it may or may not be easier to separately come out to one person in your family at a time, you could come out to everyone at once but it mat be very hard to communicate with room

now some steps on how to come out:

* make sure you’re somewhat calm, even if you’re anxious keep your head high. if you feel overwhelmed or sad, wait a bit.

now

* first tell them your identity, it may cause shock/anger at first; but introducing the conversation with an explanation of your identities probably won’t peak their interest, and they’ll brush you off (you mentioned they were homophobic and transphobic)

* calm the room, explain that they need to listen to you

* explain what your identities are and what your identities mean

* explain what your sexuality means to you

ex:

(“I can’t change who I like,” “this is who I am,” “the same way you can’t choose who you’re attracted to, I can’t either,” etc

* now explain your gender identity. I put this in a different bullet point because it’s a lot more complex. I’m not sure whether you’re dysphoric or not, but every trans person experiences gender on a psychological level; so use that to your advantage. It is very helpful to compare your identity to theirs.

examples (for some reason these sound slightly aggressive so just know I’m writing them in a calm way);

“you know how besides from your body, you know you’re a (insert gender here) in your mind? I’m the same way. I know I’m non-binary, my body just doesn’t match.”

in response to “you need to love yourself for who you are”; “but you need to love me for who I am first, because I’m non-binary. im trying to love myself for who I’ve discovered I am, not for who I used to be. you need to do the same.”

“I’m not confused, I came out because I know who I am and I want you to know who I am too.”

I hope that helped!! sorry if my advice is bad or incoherent, I’m really spaced out today. but I hope have a nice day :)

[ur-stepdad]

I did not know there was such a thing as cluster c personality disorders. I thought it was just a and b

I think that people are generally most familiar with Cluster B personality disorders. A lot of people know that there’s a Cluster A, but don’t know any of the actual disorders.

Personality disorders are grouped into clusters based on what kind of thoughts and behaviors are associated with them. It’s not uncommon for a person to have more than one personality disorder, but they’re typically in the same cluster. There are certain symptoms that are common to all disorders within the same cluster.

Cluster A is considered to be “odd or eccentric”. It includes Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD), Schizoid Personality Disorder (SZPD), and Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD). SZPD and and STPD are on the schizophrenia spectrum. Cluster A typically makes it hard for the person to connect with others. People with cluster A disorders tend to be isolated or live fairly solitary lives. SZPD is characterized by the person being generally uninterested in relationships with others. STPD has a lot of similarities with schizophrenia, including delusions, hallucinations, flat affect, and “strange” or “eccentric” behavior. PPD can also include delusions, but the core of this disorder is paranoia and general distrust of others.

Cluster B is defined by dramatic/highly emotional and unpredictable behaviors. It includes Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). People in this cluster tend to have big emotions and can struggle with trying to get attention in unhealthy ways. ASPD is the disorder that is also known as “sociopathy” and “psychopathy”, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t terms that are really used by mental health professionals. This cluster is the most demonized. Some people assume that everyone with NPD, BPD, or ASPD are inherently abusive, but that’s not true. I would say that even though it’s in this cluster, HPD isn’t talked about very much. The word “histrionic” means “overly theatrical”; HPD is characterized by big emotions, “attention-seeking” behavior, and often exaggerations.

Cluster C is characterized by anxious and fearful thoughts and behavior. It includes Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD), and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). AVPD is sometimes confused with ASPD because the names are similar, but they’re very different disorders (although a person could have both). People with AVPD are so sensitive to and afraid of social rejection that they tend to avoid situations or social interactions in general. DPD is characterized by codependent behavior; these people typically feel like they are unable to function on their own, and will accept terrible treatment from others as long as they stay around and help them make decisions. OCPD confuses a lot of people, because it’s so close to OCD. OCPD is characterized by an obsession with rules and rigidity. People with OCPD are very often total perfectionists. OCPD is actually pretty similar to OCD, but the main difference is that OCPD is egosyntonic, whereas OCD is egodystonic. This means that a person with OCPD engages with their compulsions because they feel that that is the correct way to do it, and a person with OCD doesn’t want to engage in their compulsions, but do because they feel they have to.

I don’t have a professional background in mental health, so some of this information may be off. I’ve learned a lot about personality disorders on my own because I am interested in psychology and I have OCPD. I’ve been trying to learn more about cluster A recently because I don’t see it talked about much, but I definitely know the most about clusters B and C.

I tried to word everything in a way that accurately conveyed the information without stigmatizing or casting judgement on any of the disorders or symptoms. I apologize if anything came off as negative, I’m a big believer that no mental illness is “bad” and people with any personality disorders can live healthy and fulfilling lives with the proper therapeutic treatment.

[that-damn-girl]

(3) Bucky and The Bed

Completed

Chapter 2

Bucky and The Bed Masterlist

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x (cis)fem!reader

Words: 2800+

Summery: You and Bucky are stranded in the middle of a snowy nowhere when there is an 'electronic blackout' during your mission. With no back ups or any way to contact your team, you take refuge from the worsening weather in the only cabin you find  in miles. Not to mention, with no power, Bucky has become your personal heater and there's only one bed.

Chapter type: Lovesick Bucky, cuddling, mutual pinning.

Chapter warning: A bit paranoid reader.

A/N: Tbh, I am not proud of this chapter but I wanted to get done with this part. I am not really a tech person, nor can I form proper plots with tech stuff involved. Sorry in advance for the plot holes you find. Some inspiration is taken from movies Spy Kids 2 and Charlie's Angels. 

The hours of night soon gave way for morning to creep in. Beam by beam light poured in through the large sized windows, illuminating the room in a silver glow.

In a relaxed and peaceful moment, Bucky woke up to the sight of a goddess wrapped up in his arms. Your face was pressed against his chest, one hand gripping his sweater tightly in your fist and the other thrown loosely around his waist; legs intertwined with his in comfort.

With one arm around your back, Bucky could feel your chest rise and fall with every breath; feel every exhale of yours through the thin layers he had on.

Golden rays from the fireplace and the pale brightness from the windows in the absence of direct sunlight cast a beautiful glow on your face, a mixture of different shades dancing about. 

He could feel his heart swell with adoration just looking at you. Your lips, partly open, appeared more plump since a side of your face was cutely pressed against his body. With a slight pout and closed eyes, your face conveyed a look of pure innocence which Bucky knew he couldn't get out of his head anytime soon.

Your face was angled so that your lovely lips peered at him, seemingly begging to be sucked and licked and kissed and bitten with pure red passion. As if he hadn't wanted to do exactly that.

Closing his eyes, he gave himself a moment to calm down his racing heart. He loved the feel of you engulfed in his arms, filling a void he'd become familiar with since too long. Hard yet soft, pressed against him in the sweetest of manners  due to a girdle of trust and confidence which surrounded your friendship, keeping it tight.

Silencing his wants, he leaned down and kissed the top of your head hard and lovingly, as if convincing you that he would not act on his wanton desires and loose a friend he cherished immensely in greed for more.

You slowly stirred against him. He stilled, worried that he woke you up, but after giving out a breathy exhale you resumed your position, burying your face even further and an arm tightening around his waist. Your otherwise calm posture would have fooled him, but the secretive smile tugging at your lips gave you away. Bucky thought that his kiss wouldn't have been noticed, but the small peck to his chest, right above his heart by your lips proved him wrong.

Gracing your face with a smile which took his breath away every damn time, you said, "I could get used to this."

You had been in that state rocking between the dream world and the real word for quite some time. Loving every cursory second of it, you didn't want to wake up and get out of the cocoon of Bucky and the blankets. While you were savouring the moment, you felt softness touch your head, realising what Bucky had done. Your heart thumped hard. You couldn't have stopped from reciprocating the affection even if you wanted.

Bucky felt his heart swell once again, swearing it would fly out of his rib cage at any moment.

"Yeah?" Bucky asked tentatively. A smile formed at the corner of his lips.

"Mhmm," You started, cuddling closer to him, fastening your hold on him, "You're so warm."

"You're making me cold." You whipped your head at him, worrying you'd overstepped the borders. But one look at the mischievous look in his eyes and a sly smirk on his luscious lips told you otherwise.

"Hey," You lightly hit his arm, making him rumble with laughter.

You looked at his beautiful face, eyes crinkled and teeth bared in mirthful laughter. It was good to know that he felt light enough to crack jokes. God, you thought, if the cold wouldn't kill me, his smile definitely would.

"No, but seriously," you propped yourself up on one elbow, the other still over his waist, "Are you cold because of me?" You sounded as serious as you looked.

His general body temperature was higher than yours. After giving it a thought, it only made sense to you. You'd made him cold if he'd made you warm.

He scrunched his nose, baffled as to why you would think that, "What? No! Don't be silly."

"Okay then," You said, snuggling back with him, "Don't come complaining to me later."

Why would I? He thought. He'd promised himself that he'd run to the ends of the world if it meant keeping you warm and comfortable. With a dreamy smile on his lips, he said, "Wouldn't dream of it."

You closed your eyes, relaxing further into him, "Good, cause now you're officially my cuddle pillow."

He barked out another laugh, "Cuddle pillow, huh?" He hugged you closer, "Well, cuddle pillow at your service, ma'am."

You both chuckled. He looked down at you, that post laugh smile still gracing your face. Smiling or not, he knew he could always look at you and never get enough of it, because he could never fucking get enough of you. He'd always admire those beautiful pair of eyes and those lips he couldn't stop daydreaming about-

"Hey, Bucky," You start , that smile having fallen off your face, "I've been thinking about that white thing..."

Huh?

It took Bucky a moment to understand that you had been talking about the split halves of the white octagonal box you two had found the previous day. So occupied with thoughts of you pressed against him, Bucky had forgotten that morning what had caused all of this in the first place. He felt dumb.

Clearing his throat he said, "What about it"? Pretending as if he'd been thinking about it too, because he couldn't let one of the few people whose opinions he did care about think he was dumb - especially not you.

"When it blew up, it somehow made all electronics in its range dysfunctional."

"Yeah."

"The range can't be infinite though." You paused, waiting for his confirmation; for an indication that you made sense.

"I guess."

"We already walked for like what...10 to 15 miles?"

"Kinda, yes."

You sat up, explaining animatedly with your hands, "So if we do venture out some more, maybe we can surpass the range. If we do, we could at least communicate through our comms."

Bucky sat up too, a puzzled expression in his face, "Yeah, we can try that."

"Yeah, we can!"

One look at your excited expression and he placed a hand on your shoulder. Shaking his head, Bucky said, "No, no, no, no. Not 'we'. It's gonna be just me."

"What?"

"You shouldn't go out there."

"Excuse me?!"

Bucky huffed, "Doll, we don't know what's the radius of the range. For all we know, it could be another 20 miles. You can't walk 20 miles in this weather. But I can."

You furrowed in your eyebrows. Truth be told, you knew without proper gear - which you didn't have at the moment - you wouldn't be able to survive in the bitter cold outside, let alone trek an unknown span. Bucky, on the other hand, had the serum which made him much more resistant to the cold - frankly anything else - than you. Damn it. You didn't want to admit defeat, but you had to.

Looking everywhere but at him, you tried to come up with a reason reasonable enough so that you could accompany him too. Finding none, you shrugged, "I mean - okay." Something clicked inside you all of a sudden and you grabbed his forearm, "But if you're going on your own, what if something happens to you? I wouldn't know it. I wouldn't be able to help you."

Unveiled worry reflected in your eyes. You chewed on your bottom lip. Bucky knew you cared about him, but looking at you being anxious just for him did things to his heart.

Looking deep into your eyes, he gave a shy smile, "No, doll, I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me."

You knew Bucky facing any obstacles were highly unlikely. He'd was an ex-assassin - an expert one at that. He had amazing knife skills and was one of the greatest snipers the world had known. But he was also your friend, one you had feelings a little too deep for.

You shuffled closer to him and laid your head on his shoulder, saying in a voice softer than his heart had become, "I care about you, Bucky. I'll always worry about you."

His breath hitched. Strings tugged at his heart. Bucky didn't know why he was so surprised. He guessed it was because he wasn't used  to people outwardly showing concern for him. He didn't want to dwell on it though. Despite having known it already, it felt good hearing you voice it out loud.

He laid his head on top of your and started petting your hair. Hiding his smile, he said, "It's gonna be fine, doll. I'm gonna be fine."

As Bucky jogged through layers upon layers of snow, he could only see white sheets for as far as his vision allowed. The dark green, lushy, conical tress were the only living things by definition in sight - that too covered under silver thaw.

He could hear the crunch of ice crystals under his boots and the chilly hurried winds rush by his ear, biting mercilessly at his exposed cheeks and nose.

The air was crisp as he breathed; so sharp and freezing he felt his lungs were being punctured. Though he didn't have any trouble breathing, he didn't like the feeling one bit. He swore he could taste the difference in the air between there and New York.

The thickness of clouds prevented sunrays from falling on skin - or anywhere in sight. His surroundings were as gloomy as the sky above. The only thing which kept his heart light was the still lingering feel of your lips on his skin.

As Bucky prepared to leave, you couldn't help but fret over him. Double checking if he had his weapons on hand, though he doubted he need them, you said one could never be too cautious. You made sure he had his comm on and insisted he put on more layers than just one heavy jacket over a sweatshirt. He assured you that all the jogging that he'd do would make him warm enough to not need anymore layering.

In your anxiousness you expressed your concern over the littlest of details. In his opinion, they were unnecessary. He only needed to be careful about not losing his path and not push past his limit. He had to appreciate your presence of mind though, but that did not mean he could let you work yourself into a panic attack.

In your defence, you were worried!

How Bucky wished he could take a hold of you in a sudden moment and kiss you senseless to stop your rambling like he had seen in all those movies. He could almost picture it happening in front of him. Nevermind the fact that he knew while in the movies the couple would somehow confess their love for each other, in the reality version you would push him away and things would be awkward and your friendship would be strained. And he couldn't let that happen.

Only if he'd known how wrong he was.

Instead, Bucky chose to grab your shoulders in a sudden moment to stop your rambling, letting you calm down against him, "Doll, you worry too much."

You huffed, "Bucky..."

"I know, Y/N, but trust me, I am going to be safe. Everything's going to be alright." He assured you yet again.

When he was about to leave through the main door, you shouted, "Bucky!"

As soon as he turned around, he saw you running to him and hugging him tight, the sheer force of your body colliding into his throwing him off his feet for a second. He soon got a grip on himself and hugged you back.

You were aware you might have been over-reacting. You might have been paranoid too. But you the thought of Bucky out in the open all by himself, unsafe while you were not didn't sit well with you. He was a grown man and capable enough on his own, yet feelings or not, he was a very close friend.

For a moment Bucky thought you were on a mission to bruise his ribs when you said, "Just take care of yourself, Bucky." and put a soft lingering kiss to his cheeks.

Bucky could still feel softness of your lips on his skin. He didn't want to be out here in the cold when he could have been snuggling with you. But he had to.

He kept running for miles and miles and his body didn't even feel relatively tired. A little out of breath, yes, but not tired. He willed himself to not loose his patience and keep going on further when he heard some static in his ear. He stopped abruptly.

Pressing the communication device to his ear, he said, "Hello?" He only heard the constant buzz of static and nothing more.

Going forward a few steps, he repeated himself. A voice broke through the static, "Agent Y/N? Sergeant Barnes?" It seemed to be FRIDAY's.

Bucky couldn't believe it. Your idea had worked and he had surpassed the range!

Bucky called out with a relieved face, "Sergeant Barnes reporting. Does anybody copy?"

"Bucky!" A shriek tore out through his earpiece, disturbing his sensitive eardrums. Though extremely high pitched, he knew whose it was.

"Sam?" Bucky questioned.

"Man, what the fuck has been going on with you? You guys were supposed to report in eighteen hours earlier! I had been worried sick about you two!" Sam's clearly worried voice spoke.

"Sam, we're fine. Nobody hurt but there's a little problem." Bucky licked his bottom lip, contemplating how he'd tell him your 'little' situation.

"What problem?" Sam prompted.

Well, considering the fact that they had had fought an army of aliens, Bucky thought that this shouldn't be much surprising. Bucky told the Captain about the white octagonal box, what all had happened the previous day and the idea you put forward that morning.

Bucky heard no response. Worried he'd lost connection again, he asked, "Sam, you there?"

Sam was nothing if not flabbergasted. He didn't know how to respond to the situation. Hardly had he felt relieve over his friends beings safe when this came up. According to Bucky's calculations, that pesky little things had rendered any electronic useless within forty miles of its radius.

How the fuck was he going to get his friends out of there when he couldn't even get the quinjet near to them!

"FRIDAY," Sam started, unsure what commands to give, "Do you know what he's been talking about?"

"Sergeant Barnes seems to be talking about a transmooker." The AI replied in her nonchalant voice.

"A what?" Both Bucky and Sam shot up.

"A transmooker. It can disable networking systems and any electronic component within the range of its blast by slightly altering the magnetic field." FRIDAY informed.

"But I don't feel anything on my arm." Bucky said, now more confused than ever.

"It is not strong enough to restrict or guide your movement, Sergeant Barnes, but strong enough to hamper the electricity flow in the devices you have."

"Can you do something about it, FRIDAY? Like hack it or something?" Sam asked, overwhelmed beyond belief.

"I cannot override it, Captain. To do that, I'd have to track it first. It seems to have created a GPS blackhole. Though according to my calculations, with an error percentage of twenty percent, the effects must begin wearing down in a week or so. As soon as that happens, I can undo it's effects."

"A week?" Bucky asked, followed by a confirmation by the AI.

"Think you can hold out for a week?" Sam asked.

"We got the supplies, at least. So yeah." Bucky nodded, looking out into the distance. Details were worked upon, goodbyes were said.

A week, Bucky thought. He hadn't even spent a day with you without turning into a lovesick puppy, he wondered what the week ahead would do to him.

The divider is made by @writeyourmindaway​

Chapter 4

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Thank you for reading!

[unsteadyimagines]

Deceitful (Spencer Reid x Reader) Part 1/2

SUMMARY: Spencer helps Amanda (a recovering victim of domestic violence rescued by the BAU) by spending time with her, which makes Y/N mad because he barely had time to spend with her originally because of his job. Now, argument after argument, Y/N has suspicions Spencer’s intentions may not be so pure after all.

WORD COUNT: 1.9k

WARNINGS: N/A

NOTE: This is my first time ever posting any of my writing so please bear with me!! I also have to thank @moonlit-martyr​ for giving me the motivation to start writing again!!

***Feedback is always welcome for future improvement!

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“Hey, Emily long time no see,” you smile, walking through the entry of the BAU, hands full with Spencer’s lunch which he had left at home early this morning.

“Hey, Y/N it’s been so long, what are you doing here?” she asks, grabbing stacks and stacks of what I assume are new case files, once again reminding me of their hectic and highly dangerous job.

“I just came to drop off Spencer’s lunch; he left it at home again this morning. Do you know where he is?” You ask curiously. Emily’s face drops slightly, but enough for me to notice her change in demeanour. She looks as if she’s struggling to come up with an answer. Being in the FBI, you’d think she would be a better liar, or at least look more convincing.

“Oh, uh – he’s, um – actually already gone out for lunch… with Amanda. They left about 25 minutes ago,” She says, looking down to the floor. My stomach twisted in nervous knots, feeling both disappointment and uneasiness.

“T-they?” You’re afraid to ask. This was the third time this week Spencer has gone out for lunch with Amanda, and while you usually wouldn’t be concerned about Spencer making new friends, in fact, you would encourage it, this time something felt… different. Amanda was a victim they rescued from a life-threatening domestic violence dispute four weeks ago. According to Spencer, she didn’t have any family or friends left due to her then abusive husband pushing her away from everyone she knew and loved. She has no one.

You let out a heavy sigh, placing Spencer’s lunch on his desk and looking back at Emily, who looks sympathetic. “I know what you’re thinking, Y/N, but this is Spencer we’re talking about. I don’t think you have anything to worry about - he adores you… you know that” She tells you reassuringly. You believe Emily’s words of comfort because deep down, you know she’s right. From the moment you and Spencer met at the college you attend when he was teaching a class, it was a match made in heaven. The two of you hit it off so quickly, getting to know each other and already planning a second meeting before even finishing your first one.

“I know I know, and I understand she doesn’t have anyone right now and I think it’s very considerate of Spencer to help her get back on her feet but… and I may sound horrible for saying this, but… I-I just hope she doesn’t try to take advantage of his kindness and mistake it for something else.”

“Remember he loves you and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that, Amanda just needs a little bit of guidance right now, I’m sure you can try to understand that. Being isolated from every person you love for so long by someone who is meant to be your husband, then all of a sudden have everything taken away from you. Not to mention all the physical and psychological pain she must have been feeling.” Emily explains. Maybe I sound paranoid.

You smile at Emily, grateful for her advice.

“Thanks, Emily. I’m just being paranoid. I’m sure everything is fine.” However, at this point, I don’t know who I am trying to convince more - myself or Emily.

“Do you want to come and see the others? I’m sure they would all love to see you again,” Emily encourages, trying to get my mind off of Spencer and Amanda.

Giving her an enthusiastic nod, she leads me to the group, who are smiling and laughing while awaiting another case. As Penelope’s sees me walking closer, she has a huge grin on her face and her arms already out on either side of her for a bone-crushing hug.

It’s been a considerable number of hours since I left the BAU, getting on with household chores before Spencer is due to arrive home. Putting the finishing touches on dinner, I hear the front door open and in walks Spencer in his black suit. He drops his briefcase and bag by the door, walking into the kitchen with a lazy smile written on his face. His long arms stretched out; he makes his way towards me.

“Hey babe, sorry I’m home so late. I got caught up with some last-minute case reports.” He murmurs, wrapping his arms around my waist, placing a delicate kiss on my cheek. At this point, it just feels wrong to accept his loving gestures. Did they still mean the same things from when we first met? Placing the two plates on the dining table, I sit opposite Spencer, not sure how to even talk to him. Do I bring up my concerns? He looks quite tired from work. Maybe I shouldn’t push it on him tonight? Or should I? Do I mention it at all?!

Dinner was awkward, tense and quiet all at once. Only the sounds of metal utensils and glass plates being heard in the room and soft mumbles of delight from Spencer for the food. Spencer sits back and lets out a deep sigh.

“Do you mind clearing up? I still have heaps of work to get done before I go in tomorrow.” He asks, however, I get the sense that it doesn’t matter whether I say yes or no, I will still end up doing it.

“Sure, you go do what you need to.” I get up, grabbing both plates and begin cleaning up for the night. A half-hour later I make my way upstairs to get ready for bed and as always, I pass Spencer’s office. Except this time, I stop in my tracks and take a look inside and once again my stomach is filled with nerves and butterflies, but not the good kind. It’s funny how Spencer has ‘heaps’ of work to get done, yet he’s finding time to message back and forth with whoever he was talking to, and of course, it only took me a second to realise who it most likely was. Smiling and chuckling at his screen was a clear indication it was most definitely not someone from the team, but Amanda.

I desperately want to ask him about her, but I’m not ready to hear the answer. Spencer is the only serious relationship I have ever had, the only person I’ve ever loved. But this isn’t what love is meant to feel like. Feeling constantly on edge, anxious and paranoid. At this point, I’m not certain its paranoia anymore, but my gut feeling. I don’t want to believe that Spencer may be cheating on me. I can’t. I can’t stand this anymore. I make my way over to our bathroom and get ready for bed, leaving room for Spencer when he eventually comes to bed.

I suddenly feel a nudge on my arm. Slowly opening my eyes, I see Spencer’s face hovering over mine in the darkness. 2:25 am.

“What are you doing up still? I thought you would’ve come to bed hours ago.” I groggily ask, trying to make out his features in the lack of light. But I don’t need any light to notice how unconvincing his next words are, and once again, it sends my heart beating profusely.

“I just got called into work, but I should only be gone a couple of hours this time, I promise.” Promise. The word promise is used a lot by him and yet lately, he never fails to disappoint me. I promise I’ll be home early. I promise we’ll get to spend more time together. I promise we can make this work - I promise, I promise, I promise.

Having nothing to say to him, I simply roll over and try to get back to sleep. I hear him let out a sigh.

“I love you” He whispers. That alone threatens tears to brim my eyes. As much as I am hurting right now, I couldn't not say it back.

“I love you too, be safe.” I barely whisper, loud enough for him to hear. In a way, him hearing me say those words makes me hope he feels somewhat guilty if he isn’t actually going to work, but another woman’s house. Her house. But no, of course not. Instead, I hear him pick up his bag, walk downstairs and lock the door.

Sitting up in bed, my thoughts are running a million miles an hour. Where did we go wrong? Did I do something? Does he not love me anymore despite him saying he does? It takes me hours before I am able to go back to sleep, considering waiting up for Spencer to return home but deciding against it.

Opening my heavy eyes, I check to see the time is now 8:30 am. I also notice Spencer’s side of the bed remains untouched. A couple of hours, huh? Around 45 minutes later, I’m sat on the couch engrossed in a book, when Spencer walks in the door - clothes dishevelled and tired eyes. “Hi babe” He yells, walking up the stairs to our bedroom before I am even able to reply.

When he comes downstairs, he sits next to me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, enveloping me in a warm hug and a kiss on the corner of my mouth. Fuck, I miss this. I hum in delight, taking whatever I can get, which sounds as pathetic as it actually is.

“You said you would only be a couple of hours, not over 6 hours.” You murmur in his chest.

“I know, I’m sorry I just got caught up with the others. Next time I’ll let you know if I run over time.” He assures me. Looking up at him, I can tell he is tired, small bags forming under his eyes. He gives me a lazy smile, pecking me on the forehead before heading upstairs.

“I thought we were going to hang out today? We’ve barely had any alone time together this week or last week,” I asked, turning around on the couch to look at him. He’s only made it halfway up the stairs as he looks at me, groans and looks up at the ceiling.

“Y/N, I’m tired. We can hang out tonight or tomorrow.” He huffs, continuing his way up the stairs.

“Will we though? Because that’s what you said a few days ago, and numerous times last week.” You blurt. It’s not my intention to start an argument today, but if it means I can finally get something out of him instead of endless false hope, then so be it.

Spencer’s face contorts in an annoyed expression, a slight glare in his eyes draining into mine.“Y/N, don’t argue with me. I’m tired and I want to sleep. We’ll hang out later.” He says more firmly. But to me, that isn’t good enough.

“It’s always ‘later’ with you isn’t it?” I push.

“For fuck sakes Y/N we can hang out later!” He yells, his arms flailing up in annoyance. I flinch slightly, taken aback by his sudden change in mood. For however long we’ve been together I don’t think he has ever really raised his voice at me before like he had just now. Sinking into the couch, I succumb to his angry and irritated mood.

“I- okay, sorry.” He didn’t look the least bit apologetic, trudging back up the stairs and into our bedroom. Hot tears slide down my cheeks, my throat tightens as I try to hold down my sobs. I don’t know whether I’m meant to stay here or leave. But where would I go? Deciding on staying on the couch for the time being, I curl up into a ball and shut my eyes, trying to sleep the day away and avoid any more drama.